Oh, yeah, no, it's stuck! It's-it's--
Put it away, you're gonna break the zipper again.
No, baby, it's-- What?
I think I know how to open a tent, okay?
Oh, apparently not.
Oh, yeah. Okay, yeah, you're the zipper expert.
Oh my, oh my God! Are you okay?
- You alright? - No.
I'm sorry.
Shh. It's past quiet hours.
Oh, my God, I thought we came here
to escape the rules of society?
We're 50 feet away from flushing toilets
and quarter operated showers.
This is not exactly backcountry life.
Yeah, no, not with that attitude.
-Just saying. -Oh, my God, babe,
did you see those stars though, like
you can't get that shit in the city
and the smell of the trees, right?
And like that, the sound of the crickets.
It's all just so wild.
Like everything here is buzzing with life, you know?
Very poetic.
I'm serious, you know, like,
like, at any given moment, you and I,
we could get mauled by a bear.
And, I'd be okay with it.
-Don't say that. -I will, I'm totally--
-That's awful. -It's not awful.
It's beautiful.
You know, like,
we would feed the bear
and then, like,
we would fuel the ecosystem.
And we'd be a part of nature,
you know, and-and-and-and we would,
we would become a part of something bigger than us.
You know what I'm saying?
I wanna get wild tonight, like...
Let's get like, fucking primitive, you know.
Okay, but you need to be quiet
and then I'm going right to sleep.
I have work on the morning
so I can't stay all night
deconstructing nature with you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, that all, that all sounds good.
-Good. -That sounds good.
Oh, my God. I thought the tent was hard to get into.
Let me try.
Yeah, yeah. Okay.
Okay.
Wait, wait, wait, the fire.
Oh, that's okay.
The camp host said that we have to extinguish
all the fires and never leave them
-unattended. -Unattended. No, I know.
She says that bullshit to everybody.
I don't think the fire is gonna jump out and bite us.
-You know what I mean? -Oh, really.
What about your precious trees?
Fuck the trees, right?
-Is that a bear? -No, shit.
Oh..
Oh, oh, oh.
Oh, what, what does it want?
I don't know, food.
Oh, fuck. I left some food out. I left some food out.
Uh...
Oh, ca-can you do something?
Are you crazy? I'm not going out there.
What do we do? What do we do? What do we do?
-You're Davy-Fucking-Crocket. -Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. We're gonna die. Oh, fuck, we're gonna die.
No, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no.
Get out of here bear.
Get the hell out.
Huh, babe...
What was that you're saying about being mauled?
Oh, you know, I-I wasn't scared, so...
Oh, you weren't? Okay.
Yeah, like that'd be--
Oh, my God!
Oh, no! No! Don't!
Jen, stop! Stop it!
Oh, God! Oh, God!
Oh, God!
Look out!
-Oh, my God. -What?
-What happened? -You happened.
You almost hit that turtle.
You scream bloody murder over a turtle?
Jesus Christ, Sadie, you could have killed us.
I could have killed us?
Yeah, okay, I hope that that text message
you sent was worth all of our lives, Meeka included.
No.
Not Meeka's.
Can you ever just pay attention?
- You wanna drive? - What?
Miss out on the opportunity to tell you what to do?
Not a chance.
It's your van, too.
Most people our ages own a house.
Gross.
Equity, appreciation, investments.
You know, real adult stuff.
Instead, we bought a used van.
Technically, the bank bought the van.
-We just make payments. -Don't you want to have a house?
You know, something that you can call your own?
No. We just spent the last two and a half years
trapped inside the house.
The last thing I want to do is be...
committed to the same four walls for the rest of my adult life.
I mean, look at this, I've got a road
to endless possibilities and experiences in front of me,
and I'm not gonna miss out on that.
Yeah, what else could a guy need?
Gee, I don't know. Besides for you to stop texting for once.
Hey, I'm not even texting, baby.
I'm looking for our song.
All right, fine. Maybe this was worth dying for.
...human remains consistent with the description
of a missing Florida couple, who were last seen,
camping in the Upper Peninsula.
No foul play has been detected
as evidence shows that they were likely
victims to a bear attack.
Man, internet sleuths have been tracking these guys for weeks.
America loves a missing white people story.
Actually, you know, remember that one about
the Mexican girl who was kidnapped
while camping with her parents?
-No. -Exactly.
Oh, the campsite's coming up on the right here.
I'm so happy we're not camping in Michigan.
Bears and yoopers, can you imagine?
There's the Camp Host.
- She's pretty. - Hm.
Wow, California.
Well, you're a long way from home.
Yeah, tell me about it. We've been on the road for a while.
Feels like it's been a year.
It's been three weeks.
This drama queen over here is my husband, Ed
and I'm Sadie.
Still, three weeks is a long time to take off work.
Yeah, I-I work remotely,
and she...
I, uh, I'm...
Well, I'm sort of between things right now.
You know, it's, it's complicated, you know.
But I'm figuring it out. Yeah.
Hey, I get it. It's early retirement.
That seems to be the trend with you kids now.
- Really? - Well, sure.
And I don't blame you either.
I mean, the whole world's crumbling.
Who wants to work?
Nothing matters anymore.
And who wants to be the band on the Titanic?
Exactly.
See, that's why we packed up
and, you know, and decided to...
Fly north.
You coming back home?
Unplug and get back to nature.
Where are you from, baby bird?
Um, the...
San Fernando Valley. .
Oh. City life making you a bit crabby.
-Pardon? -You know what I mean.
Where are you really from?
I could smell the thunderstorm in you.
That actually might be Meeka.
He got skunked a few states back.
I'm from Hawaii. You ever been?
So, you two want a campsite?
I think I got a couple to spare.
We don't get many campers this time of year.
What do you think.
20 bucks?
I'll throw in a couple of bundles of firewood.
Really?
That's a deal.
- Hop on out here. - What are you doing?
-I don't know. -Help me with the wood,
and I'll give you the law of the land.
They're pit toilets. There's nothing fancy.
And there's no running water, so don't put anything in them
that you would not put in the ground.
What's in the bowl?
Gratitude stones.
They're for you to keep on your person.
Put one in your pocket and it'll remind you
to be grateful for everything around you.
Nice.
This is your site.
Cute dog.
I like pets. I have one myself.
Really? What kind?
My kind.
Keep the pup on a leash
and keep your eye on him at all times.
He's adorable and he will want to roam.
But to many of the critters around here,
he is also very tasty.
We've had a few bear sightings recently,
so you've got to watch out for predators.
Oh, sweet. Bear sightings. That's awesome.
Maybe we can end up in the news like that Florida couple.
That's why I got bear spray bagged with me.
Oh, that's good. Just in case you wanna season yourself
before the bear eats you.
-Seriously? -That stuff doesn't do diddly.
If you see or hear anything suspicious, you come to me.
I keep a loaded revolver in my camper at all times.
That does not make me feel any better.
There's no bars.
Did you hear what I just said?
You said something.
Never leave your fires unattended,
and always extinguish them when you're done.
Do not burn my forest down.
It's gonna be here a lot longer than you two.
Been three days, and I frickin' can't get this thing...
Oh, that's Frank.
He came in here a couple of days ago.
Good storyteller if you get him going.
Freaking thing!
He's kind of cute, right?
Hey, you need a hand?
-What? -Such a social butterfly.
Dude's struggling.
-Do you need a hand? -What?
Maybe we could try smoke signals.
Do you need a hand?!
Jesus Christ, Ed, just let it go.
Leave me alone!
You're right. He is kind of cute. I like him.
Jeez Louise.
I don't get it, man.
Like the sun's supposed to give dudes hella energy,
but I'm just getting more fucking tired.
Like, what is going on?
Yeah, that's because it's not the real sun.
The real shit died a long time ago.
You know you said that out loud, right?
- Mm-hmm. - Quiet hours begin at 10:00 p.m.
I can already tell I'm gonna have a problem
with these knuckleheads.
You can let it rip until 10:00 p.m.
But if I hear you when the clock strikes witching hour,
you are breaking the rules.
Don't blame me, man.
I ain't NASA.
Hey, man, pick up your trash.
Everything you bring into this campsite, you take out.
You dispose of your waste properly.
Leave no trace.
Pack in, pack out. Got it.
You've got it, Thunderbird. I think you've done this before.
Looks like you got a promotion, Thunderbird.
Any questions?
Yeah, what about reception?
Ed.
Your best option is over by the bathrooms.
Everywhere else is pretty much a dead zone.
Great.
What are you, uh...
What are you working on over here?
Oh, that's silly.
I paint Native American art in my free time.
Native American, huh?
Yeah, my great grandma was Blackfoot,
so the ancestors run through me, too.
You know, I can hear their voices when I'm painting.
Well, okay.
Thank you so much for getting us set in. I, uh...
don't think I caught your name.
I'm the Camp Host.
-Right, but your-your name-- -You know what?
I don't usually do this,
but I feel this amazing connection with you
and I would be a fool not to nurture that energy.
Right.
How would you like...
to see the most spectacular
swimming hole you have ever seen?
It is so hidden,
you have to wade through a river to find it.
Isn't it a little cold for swimming?
Even if you don't take a dip, there is so much
to discover over there.
It is your own private paradise.
It's totally off the grid,
and the only people who know about it are you and me.
-Mm. -And if you go now,
you'll be able to get there. There's still enough light.
-I-- -I mean, I'd take you myself,
but I have got some duties around here.
Oh, oh, you can't go?
Oh, damn.
It sucks. Uh...
How far is it?
Okay, but you have to keep this a secret.
Uh-huh. Yeah, scout's honor.
Seriously, you cannot tell a soul.
Hold up.
- Oh. - Breaking all the rules.
Yeah, what are you gonna do? Tell the camp host?
Yeah, just don't blame me if he becomes bear bait.
I got to pee.
Don't you think...
she's a little nutty?
A little? That lady did one too many drugs in the 70s.
- She hasn't come down yet. - Right?
I mean, what was up with that thunderstorm stuff anyway?
Yeah, that was weird. It's like she knew you were native
and she was trying to impress you or something.
No, that's not it.
Well, don't let it bother you. It's just...
one night, and then this place is in our rear view.
She was being reductive. You didn't see it.
I grew up with entitled people like her telling me who I am
and where I do and don't belong.
-Mm-mm. -She was challenging me.
Challenging you at what?
No, you wouldn't understand.
An art contest?
Don't even get me started on that fucking art.
What if we just left today,
hmm?
After the swimming hole.
I could book us another place to stay.
Yeah, like another rest stop
with more dispersed camping and,
oh, a bathroom without water.
Sweet.
-She makes me uncomfortable, Ed. -Mm-hmm.
I swear, I don't like being around her.
We don't even know her name. I mean, isn't that a red flag?
Sadie, she is a kooky old white lady.
She's doing exactly what she's supposed to do.
-I'm being serious. -So am I.
She's harmless. Plus, she's just a camp host.
What's the worst she can do, kick us out?
We live in a van.
She's whatever. Don't let it bother you, okay?
Don't let it take your energy. It is just one night.
And you can survive one night, can't you?
-Why don't you just, um... -I guess.
relax and...
enjoy the view?
I'm enjoying it right now.
I'm enjoying the view.
I swear to God, Ed, don't you dare.
Hmm. Babe.
-Don't you dare. Don't take it. -But...
Come on, Thunderbird.
Ah! Ow!
-Give me that. -Don't you dare.
-Come and get it if you want. -You get back here with that.
-Yeah. I know. -Let's go.
-It's going in the water. -Meeka, come on.
-Sadie get back here. -I don't care.
Give me my phone.
She said it was gonna be amazing, I swear.
She seemed pretty convinced.
All right, this is where we're supposed to enter.
Wait, through there?
-Uh-huh. -This time of year? No.
What? Don't you wanna see what paradise looks like?
Not if it means I see what hypothermia looks like.
Well, you know...
you don't have to go in, but...
me and your, uh, phone.
God damn it.
- No. - We'll be in the water.
Okay. Okay. Careful with that, that's...
No. Okay.
There's got to be a better way to get to paradise.
Yeah.
Let's go, Meeka.
Wow.
- Oh, my God. - Whoo.
It's perfect.
Yeah, it's all right. It's, you know...
Get some water,
rocks, basic nature shit.
God, you're such a dick.
Kidding. It's amazing.
I'm so glad we're not in there 'cause I would definitely
get a brain eating nematode.
No, we'll be fine.
Probably bottle that and sell it at Gelson's
for like, six bucks.
Oh, I miss Gelson's.
You know, it's places like this that make me think
God might actually exist.
-Yeah. -Hmm.
Guess that camp host wasn't so bad after all.
Very cute. Very cute.
-Come here, Meeka. Come here. -What are you doing?
Mm...
All showing off for the likes.
Let's get the whole family here.
Get it. Get it, get it, get it.
- Okay. - There.
- Posting to your account. - What are you doing?
Supposed to be a secret Thunderbird.
Fuck the rules!
Whoo!
-Now give me my phone back. -Oh, yeah, okay.
You earned it.
I feel like I'm inRed Dead Redemption.
Okay, what does that even mean
when you say stuff like that, by the way?
- Video game. - Oh, video game.
All right. What do you think, babe?
We cooking tonight or what?
I think I could live off beef jerky
and tequila for the rest of my life.
Oh, that's great. But what about me?
Oh, get out of here with that.
Okay, you know what? How about...
you go make this a fire, and...
I'll at least make sure that we get our basic nutrients in.
And tequila.
Yeah, tequila.
- Too flat. - Jesus H. Christ!
It's too spread out.
Hey, get that shit out of my face, would you?
Oh, so, were talking now?
You wanna build a teepee not a cabin.
Go on. Scoot over, kid.
You see,
fire wants to burn.
Air wants to rise.
So you build a ladder
and the fire will climb.
Now, that sounds like a nursery rhyme.
Yeah, it's something my wife always used to say.
That wife of yours teach you how to build tents too?
Mm-hmm.
Ha ha. Huh?
Your wife know that you cheat at campfires?
Are you always like this?
-Like what? -Relentless.
I mean, who are you performing for?
Truth is...
my wife passed last year.
Cancer.
Damn. I'm sorry, man.
But no, she didn't know.
All she knew was
I lit the fires and she could depend on me.
You know, this will burn all night
if you just give it a little attention.
Just keep stacking sticks and logs
in that upright formation. Like--
Like a teepee.
You know, I've been carrying something like this
around with me for 20 years.
The fires never went out.
And, hey...
maybe ease off on the sarcasm, too.
It's exhausting.
You're not a kid anymore, kid.
Hey, you wanna join us?
Settle.
Sir!
What are you barking at, huh?
There's nothing out there.
See?
Oh, hey.
You guys having a party without me?
Hey, check it out.
- Nice fire, baby. - I made this all by myself.
Just me.
No help.
You doing all right over there?
Yeah, man, I'm, I am good.
Ready to party!
Just relax, man. Try to enjoy yourself, okay?
And check out these dope ass stars.
It's all a simulation. None of this matters.
What are you going on about now?
Nothing. I just, I...
I just wish we had some girls here is all, you know?
And like a couple of dudes for you.
Yeah, you wouldn't know what to do with yourself
if we had some girls right now.
Sure I would. Are you kidding me?
Blake the snake, man.
I'll go like this.
All right, all right, dude, you don't have to do all that.
Fuck off. Don't tell me what to do.
What is wrong with you, dude?
Why can't you just go one minute
without destroying something?
You don't even know what you're mad at.
I'm pissed because all your John Mayer ass
wants to do when I'm finally single
is sit around playing show tunes
when we could be fucking something, man.
That's not why you're mad, dude.
She didn't even give me a chance to change.
Would you have?
-Ah, damn it. -Oh, Wow.
You're such a shitty person sometimes, you know that?
Fuck you, man.
Look, I'm not the one that broke up with you remember?
-I'm trying to help you. -Yeah, well, I loved her.
You cheated on her.
All right? Man up and own your mistakes.
Hey.
Hey, Blake. Where are you going?
I've gotta shit.
I appreciate you, Terance.
That's what I thought.
Man, I'm drunk.
Ah, just leave me alone, T,
I-I don't care anymore.
Ohh...
Nope, na-uh.
Get outta here, you monster!
What, you're trying to following me to the crapper?
You tryna fuck?!
'Cause I'd do it.
You know I would.
God damn it, Blake.
You know, Debbie used to love cooking around a campfire.
I think planning these camping trips
got her through most of the chemo.
Well, until the...
You know...
You must really love camping too.
You kidding me?
I hate it.
Then why do you do it?
Well, it beats dying alone in my own house.
And I guess I get to meet people like you two.
And that camp host.
You know, I'm pretty sure she likes you.
-No. -Yeah.
-Really? -Yeah.
Hey.
Y'all talking about the camp host?
What is the deal with that broad anyway?
And all her rules.
"Don't say the camp host's name
five times in front of the mirror."
This guy!
-What is her name anyways? -It's a mystery.
Doesn't matter. She is a cop.
Not like, a, a real cop,
but, you know, like, cop adjacent.
- I hate cops. - Blake!
Oh, God.
I'm so sorry, guys. Please excuse my friend here, okay?
He's just been going through some--
Booze! You got any?
-Come on, man. -Lots.
Gracias.
Um, I'm Terance.
There's a reason for her rules, you know.
She never tell you about Yellowstone?
Oh, my God, I hate that show.
Wow. Okay. Awkward.
-What happened in Yellowstone? -Yeah.
Maybe now's not the right time.
Lame.
Hey, uh...
you know where I can, uh,
-go poopoo? -Just that way.
-I'll meet you back at camp. -Just shut up your mouth, cop.
I do what I want and I'm going home.
Come on, man, stop playing. Hey, stop playing, man.
I'm sorry. Please continue.
Well, then..
It was years ago.
She worked as a camp host in Montana.
She met a couple of girls who...
were celebrating their wedding.
And you know, they were real dumb,
stupid kids, you know?
Yeah. Excited about everything.
But the, the host dug their energy.
She took a real liking to them.
So, she wanted to do
something special for their wedding.
She told them about this
beautiful natural hot springs in the area that
that only the locals use.
-Told them to keep it a-- -Secret?
Yeah, yeah, that's right.
Ah, smells like poop in here.
I think I found you.
Fuck you, Terance.
I'm not shitty. I'm awesome.
I'm awesome.
Occupied. Ah...
Well, the kids go for a soak,
but this is where it gets weird.
See, the host had told them to watch out for signs
and warnings around the pools
on account that some of the pools were geothermal
and they were acidic.
Scalding hot.
But the kids being kids, well,
they didn't listen.
Yeah.
The fuck...
is this hippie shit?
Hey, someone's in here.
That newlywed
watched her bride boil to death.
She-she tried to help,
but it was too hot.
So she ran to get help,
but by the time they got back, it was too late.
There was no sign of her.
Her whole body
had completely dissolved.
The only thing that remained
was her day pack
and the warning signs that they'd neglected.
Should have listened to her.
Hey!
I think I've read about this online.
Yeah, a lot of people did.
Locals, they suspected foul play.
She is acquitted of all the charges, but...
that didn't clear her conscience.
That poor woman,
she blames herself for the accident.
Can you imagine what that kind of guilt would do to a person?
She must be haunted
by that one brief moment
every single day of her life.
Uh...
She never resumed her camp host duties...
until now.
Jesus.
Toilet paper. Toilet paper.
Like a mummy.
All right, that's it.
You want to fight, asshole?
Goddammit, Terance.
What the fuck!
Those poor kids.
I mean, how does something like that even happen?
Um, I should probably head back to camp
and see how Blake's doing.
Thanks, uh, for the nightmares.
-Hey. -Hm. Hey.
-Thank for hosting me, kiddo. -Ah, you bet.
Of course.
Well, goodbye.
Hey, Frank.
Yeah?
Do you really hate camping?
No, I'm...
I'm just not very good at it.
It doesn't come as easy to me
as it did to Debbie.
You know, this trip I'm on now,
she was planning in the hospital.
I think it was her way of ignoring death.
Well, maybe she just wanted to make sure that
you weren't gonna ignore life after she was gone.
Yeah.
I must admit, I do feel closer to her out here.
Yeah.
I just wish I'd paid more attention.
Oh.
Well, at least I can set up my own tent, huh?
I swear to God, that woman is haunting me.
Frank, your tent fell over.
Yeah, I know.
Frank.
Yeah, I know, kid.
Your tent, man.
Yeah, I know!
You are a very patient woman.
You know, you left your fire unattended.
You-know-who's gonna be on your ass.
Well, maybe she'll punish me, huh?
Okay. Goodnight, Frank.
-Goodnight. -Gone.
Hey,
I wanted to give this to you.
It'll be our little secret.
Huh?
Keep the fires burning.
Thanks, man.
And hey...
don't screw this up.
Hmm?
All right. Have a good night, Ed.
Night, Frank.
Yo, what is withAbout Schmidt
over there always telling me what to do?
Yeah, no one gets it when you say stuff like that, by the way.
What do you mean? Old man lost in America.
Jack Nicholson.
-He's-he's lonely. -Yeah, that one.
No, no, I'm talking about Frank.
I don't care about your nerd shit.
Okay, can we talk about that camp host story?
-I mean-- -Yeah, that was weird.
-Yeah. -Yeah.
I just got to go to the bathroom first.
Can we talk about it in a minute?
-You mean 45? -Yeah, exactly.
This stinks.
Fuck.
How about no.
Fuck!
What died in here?
Live your life, Frank.
Ed never does that.
What the fuck?
Hey.
Knock it off.
What the fuck?
The fuck!
Sadie! Sadie! Help me!
In the bathroom! Sadie, help me. Sadie.
Sadie!
No...
- Oh, he feels guilty. - No...
Woah!
Open the fucking bathroom! Sadie! Help me, Sadie!
Sadie! Help me, Sadie! Help me!
Fucking help me!
No! No! No!
Ah!
I'll be right back, Meeka.
-Hey. -Hey!
-Sadie. -Oh, Ed. Oh!
-Are you okay? -I thought that you were dead.
-I have to tell you something. -Me too.
-There's a demon the bathroom. -Camp Host just killed Frank.
-What? -What?
-Okay, you go first. -Shh...
Okay, just listen for a second, Ed.
The camp host
just killed Frank.
Why would the camp host kill Frank?
I don't know. I think she...
Because he left his fire unattended.
I think she kills...
people who don't follow her rules.
She lit his body on fire, Ed.
Don't look at me like that.
Okay, okay, okay. What about your toilet demon?
-Oh, so you did hear that? -How could I not?
There was a demon in the bathroom
under, under, under, where the stuff is.
Unbelievable.
Oh, so, now you don't believe me?
I-I mean...
A spooky toilet, Ed? Really?
-You don't know what I saw. -What you saw?
Could you be more of a hypocrite right now?
I'm telling you that there was--
Blake!
Oh, my God.
Christ!
Okay, we have to go now.
Good evening, campers.
It is well past 10 o'clock
which means quiet time has come into effect.
Witching hour.
It's 10:04.
She's making more noise than we are.
You are disobeying the rules of my camp
by polluting these grounds with your unsolicited chatter.
Your blatant disregard
for quiet hours
is disrespectful not only to me,
but to every other camper here.
This will be your first and last warning.
Please try your best to be courteous
and respectful of your surroundings.
Just listen.
How can you hear the voices
if you never stop talking?
-She's insane, Ed. -Where are we supposed to go?
She's caught us in her death ray.
Can you hear me?
I think she's talking to us.
Uh, yea-yeah.
Yeah, yeah, we can, we can hear.
Do I have to come over there?
Uh, no, no. We're good. Thank you.
We got it.
All good.
Okay.
Will you please
drop the whole bruised ego thing
and give me the benefit of the doubt
for once by acknowledging
that that lady is a psycho killer?
Fine.
There was a demon in the bathroom.
That's great, babe.
That's great.
Okay, come on, come on, come on.
I got it.
-I should drive. -I got it.
Slow down. Slow down.
- Kill the lights. - Kill the lights. Really? Why?
Because we have to get through that.
No, not locked.
She's challenging us.
Go slow.
- I'll go. - No.
You have to be ready to peel out. I'll go.
I can do both. I promise. Sadie!
Lift and do this.
Yes!
Bad girl!
You spit, back in your cage!
What was that?!
Come, come, come.
Come on.
Packing out already?
-Come on, come on. -Drive!
You're in neutral!
Do it in drive!
Ed, come on, come on! Faster!
- What the fuck?! - Holy shit!
-Faster! Faster! -It's as a fast as it goes.
Oh, my God. No, she's gaining on us.
Thump it, Ed!
-Oh, shit! -Oh, God.
She's gonna catch us!
She's gone. We did it.
Oh, God.
Hey, uh...
Let's never go back there again, okay?
Deal.
-You okay? -Yeah. Yeah. Good.
-You? -Yeah. No, I'm good. I'm good.
Where's Meeka?
What do you mean?
He's not in the back.
Of course he's in the back...
Why is he not in the back, Sadie?
I don't know. I, I locked him
in the van when I went to find you.
-Did you? -Yes.
Yes, I remember. I-I locked the van. I-I locked the doors.
I... Whoa! Whoa! Why, why are you still driving?
-We-we have to go back. -Fuck, we do.
What? Oh my God. Of course we do!
This isn't negotiable, Ed. We have to turn around.
Sadie, you are crazy if you think I'm taking us back
to where that lunatic is.
Someone needs to protect this family.
Meeka is our family.
Oh my God. Okay, just stop driving for one second
and just, just simply listen to me. Please, Ed. For once!
-Please, just look at me. -No way.
How is this even a conversation
-right now? -It's not!
I swear to God, Ed,
I will leave you before I ever
leave Meeka behind!
We have to go back!
She could be anywhere.
You just keep driving.
Maybe she's gone.
Maybe that's what she wants us to think.
Forget something?
Huh, I found it in the lot.
Boy, you must have been in a hurry, huh?
But look at you two.
You came back because you remembered the camp rules.
Pack in, pack out.
Is she fucking joking?
Sadie, don't do it.
We're looking for our dog Meeka.
-You lost your dog? -No, he was in the van.
-In your van, with you? -What?
You were with him, right?
You wouldn't have left him alone, unleashed,
unattended, would you?
Of course not.
No, 'cause he was inourvan.
Why wasn't hewithyou?
Well, it doesn't matter now.
We have to think about baby Meeka.
Good news is, he's a survivor.
What happened to that leg anyway?
Was that also on your watch?
All right, playtime is over.
Sadie.
- Stay in the van. - Sadie.
Sadie.
You got the wrong bitch.
You know, just 'cause you're older than the constitution
doesn't make you safe from an ass whoopin'.
I am so sick of you talking backwards
to me with your low-key, diet-racist bullshit.
Fuck your gun. Fuck your judgmental looks.
Fuck your whole crazy killer camp shit you got going on.
And fuck you.
You don't fucking phase me, bitch.
Now get thefuckout of my way
so I can get my fucking dog and go home.
Where is home again?
What'd you do with those girls up in Yellowstone anyway?
Hmm?
Would you kill them like you did Frank?
Oh, dear.
Sadie!
Ed, no!
Ed!
Ow.
You can't beat me, Ed.
You're weak.
Oh, you're crazier than I thought.
So, why was Sadie the first one to take action
and get out of the van?
- She told me to stay. - Like a dog?
Is that what you do, Ed? You do what you're told?
Woof.
You really are a mess, Thunderbird.
So much crap in that city trap of yours.
No wonder you're in such a hurry to escape.
What's she saying?! What's going on?
Just leave us alone.
I have a new set of rules for you.
Get back in your trash can
with that garbage husband of yours
and park it on your site.
Shut up and go to sleep.
Come daybreak, you're gonna play like happy little campers.
And that means no going off the reservation this time.
Don't talk to anybody.
No notes, no signs, no signals, no gestures. Nothing.
And why the fuck would we do that?
Follow my rules, and maybe your gib mutt
will come back in one piece.
Well, whatever is left.
I mean, he is already missing one leg.
Do you think he can walk on two?
What do we even do to hurt you?
We're good people. It doesn't make any sense. What the hell?!
You'll give him back.
My camp, my rules.
We got a long day ahead of us.
-Why don't we have a gun? -What?!
Shh...
I said why don't we have a gun?
You didn't want one, remember?
You said it was too dangerous. Only meant for one thing.
Yeah, that's the point.
Oh, oh, God.
-What's the sound? -What? What sound?
What?
Oh, I'm not gonna get any sleep tonight.
You should probably get some sleep tonight.
-I'm not even tired. -Ed...
Meeka!
Meeka. Oh!
Come here, boy.
Oh. Hear me. Come here, come here.
Meeka?
Oh.
Meeka.
Oh, Meeka.
Meeka. Oh.
Oh.
Oh, come on, mommy's here.
Yeah. Yeah.
Oh, my God.
Sadie. Oh!
Hey, you're in the van. You're just in the van.
You're having a nightmare.
-We have to go find Meeka. -Yeah, but we can't leave.
Oh, no, no, we can't leave the camp ground.
I just, I don't think it's smart to go out there.
Hmm, okay.
- Of course you don't. - What's that supposed to mean?
Forget it.
No, no, don't do that.
You, uh, go ahead and play on your phone.
I'm not the bad guy here, Sadie.
-Where were you? -What?
When I went looking for you.
Oh, you mean when you lost the dog?
I, I locked the van.
Did you? Or are you just trying to convince
yourself that you did?
I mean, what do you even care, huh?
You were gonna leave him behind.
I was trying to protect us.
You were trying to protect yourself.
That's not true.
We should have left when the camp host was being racist.
But, but no, you didn't listen to me!
You never listened to me, Ed!
Oh, no, you had to wait until she went ahead and murdered
someone to finally take me seriously!
And now...
Now we're all gonna die!
Sadie, she's not gonna kill us.
She's just trying to screw with us.
-Oh, my God, Ed! -No, think about it.
No, she had plenty of opportunities to kill us
last night, but she didn't. We're gonna be fine.
Just because she wants to hurt us first
doesn't mean she isn't going to kill us!
-This is personal to her, okay? -What is personal?
I don't know, 'cause she thinks she knows me.
Does she?!
Better than you do? Probably, yeah.
Jesus Christ. What do you want from me?
For you to do better.
God, are you kidding me right now?
Oh, great.
The answers are probably on the Internet!
I was trying to call the cops.
What is it with you and that thing, anyways, huh?
I mean, you are so concerned with work
and what your friends are doing.
Like, I'm right here.
But you could give a damn how I feel.
You know, I would, I would actually kill...
to have you pay half as much attention to me
as you do to your stupid phone.
-Say what you really mean. -This is all your fault!
I did not do anything!
Yeah, that's the problem, Ed.
You never do anything.
You never show the fuck up.
You know what I really think?
Oh, God, we don't have time for this.
No, no, no, listen to me.
I think you never wanted a husband.
No, no, no.
You just wanted somebody to pay for the van
and to blame so you could figure out
what to do with the rest of your life.
Oh, grow up.
If I was missing right now
would you come back for me?
Would you be half as worried
as you are right now?!
Because I don't think you would.
I don't think you would.
The truth is, I don't think you like me very much.
I don't.
Not right now!
Wait, what-what-what're you doing?!
You know, I could be there for you, Sadie, if you just...
if you gave me something to hold on to.
Okay, just-just get back in the van, Ed.
No, I'm gonna go to paradise. I'm gonna call the cops.
Maybe I'll find Meeka on the way.
Okay, all right. I'm coming with you.
No. What if Meeka comes back?
-He's with the camp host. -We don't know that.
Ed, would you just stop messing around?
Would you just trust me, okay?
I wanna do this. I wanna help.
You're gonna get yourself killed.
You're not the victim here, Ed.
I'm not the bad guy either. We already have one of those.
Wha--
Meeka, come!
Meeka.
Meeka, come!
Meeka!
Here, boy!
Meeka...
Sadie, right?
Hey, are you... You okay?
I fell.
Um... you haven't seen Blake, have you?
I've been looking for him since last night
and I'm officially worried.
I'm not supposed to talk to you.
Your dude's the jealous type or...
Camp host.
Well, um...
You don't have to worry about her 'cause I saw her
wandering into the woods this morning.
She said the last time she saw Blake, he was in the bathroom.
Have you, uh, have you seen him?
You know, maybe he tried to go home
but he would not make it three feet in his condition.
Maybe he's dead.
Yeah.
I said some things to him that I didn't mean
out of out of frustration.
I just, I want to apologize, you know?
God, I really fucking hate these things.
Where are you going?
I'm gonna go kill the camp host.
Camping is a fucking trip, man.
Hello.
Anyone in here?
Meeka...
And they called us uncivilized.
That's a lot of sage.
These are all your victims.
Meeka.
Mommy's here.
Fucking...
No, no.
No, no, come on.
Come on.
Fuckin' A.
Yes. Fuckin' yes!
Yes.
Fuck.
911. What's your emergency?
Yeah, it's just fucked up over here. There's bodies everywhere.
You got fucking helicopters and police and guns.
We need it all. There's fucking lots of murder.
Is this Ed Williams?
Yeah, yeah. You got to get here quick. She's on one.
What's the address?
It's, uh...
I need to know where you are, sir.
Yeah, it's, uh...
Okay, my wife does all the navigating.
She does all the, all the planning,
so I-I guess, I guess she'd probably
know this information but...
I drive. I do drive, so I help.
You don't know where you are?
No. She's at the campground. She's looking for our dog.
I understand, sir.
You're at a campground?
No, I'm where she stores all the fucking bodies!
- Your wife? - No, the camp host.
You're not listening.
I need an address.
Are you able to read me
a street sign or give
me a landmark?
Can't you see me on a computer? You know my name.
You're telling me you don't, you can't fucking look
me up on the fucking Internet?!
It doesn't always work like that, sir.
Especially in rural areas.
Well, it's a secret swimming hole. Look that up.
It's-It's-It's, uh...
- Hello? - I'm here.
Okay, it's a se...
Oh, snap! It's-it's on my social.
I took a picture of it. Look it up.
My account is @=MC2.
Okay. Please hold.
Hello?
Okay, sir, I'm back.
Are you or anyone with you hurt?
Yes.
Oh, hi, honey. Hi.
Are you okay?
Have you seen my mama?
I-is this camp host, your mom?
I'm Sadie. What's your name?
I'm not supposed to talk to you.
What? Uh...
How-how-how come?
- The rules. - The-the rules?
T-tell-tell me about the, about the rules.
She says it's nature's law.
If I don't follow the rules, she'll cut out my tongue.
I see you've met Meeka.
- Mee-ka? - Yeah.
Oh, he loves you.
-I can tell. Yeah. -Yeah.
Uh, what-what-what else did camp host say
before she left?
If I make any noise, she'll kill me.
She said that to you?
That's awful.
Why-why would she say that?
She wants to protect nature.
From what? How does that protect nature?
From us.
We're not supposed to be here.
But we are a part of nature.
I've never thought about it that way before.
We are nature.
Yeah. We're-we're nature.
Oh, okay. Let's, let's just get you out of here.
Uh, does-does-does camp host have a key?
No, sh-sh-she puts it in the drawer.
Like over here.
- Okay, let's see. Uh... - I'm Tikaani, by the way.
Tikaani. Oh, that's a great name, Tikaani.
Drawer. Uh, uh..
Keys, keys, okay. Uh, uh...
Uh, oh, that's not sage.
It's a trap.
I picked up this ulu when I was living in Alaska.
The Inupiaq used it to live off the land,
way back when there was an actual relationship
between the people and the natural world.
I believe the ancestors stored their knowledge inside of it.
Passing it down through the generations.
I can hear them right now.
They still use the ulu in Alaska.
Especially during those pregnant summers
when the rivers are flushed with salmon.
Only problem is...
the last time I visited...
there were no salmon.
But there were plenty of big ships,
and big oil spills and even bigger nets
and a lot of starving animals.
It makes you wonder exactly...
what we're doing here.
Besides ruining the only hope we have.
We don't know how to take care of the things
that we need the most.
Like you two and your constant bitching.
How are you supposed to take care of the planet
if you can't even take care of each other?
You know, there was a time during lockdown...
when we were all in our cages
and the natural world actually came back to life.
Dolphins swam in the canals in Venice.
Sheep grazed on golf courses.
Deer populated the major cities.
And the salmon came back!
And it was magnificent!
And then you came.
I, I didn't break any of your rules, okay.
Just let me go. Just let me go.
With your tents and your vans!
And your need to get back to nature.
All because of one little scare.
Nature actually bit back and you couldn't handle it.
So you fled from your homes and you scattered like cockroaches!
Disrespecting my land.
Disobeying my rules.
Very simple rules. Yeah?
It was supposed to be a secret.
You and your cunt wife, were not supposed to tell
a soul about paradise!
Shut the fuck up!
- Ah, okay... - I don't feel too good.
Okay, no, no. No, I'm gonna get you out of here, okay?
-Silver one. -Silver, uh... Oh, okay!
Oh, oh, I got it.
Ah! Oh, I got it.
Good job. Okay.
Hi, boy. Hi. Hi.
We got to find a way out of here.
What else can you tell me?
What else did camp host say where she left?
She s-s-said she was going hunting.
Hunting?
For...for what, uh?
Animal?
A man.
Ah, okay, okay we got to go.
Come on, I'll get you out of here. Let's go. Come on.
All right.
Ah! Ah...
Oh, you're kidding.
Fuck!
Lady.
Lady!
Never mind the painting.
You're so fucking exhausting!
Do you really believe that whole
Kill For The World spiel?
You're off your rocker, lady.
You wanna kill people, just say you wanna fucking kill people.
They're gonna think you're crazy regardless.
Talking to me about polluting the planet?
Bitch, you drive a fucking RV!
I use toilet paper made out of bamboo!
I drive a plug in hybrid!
I read my comic books on an iPad!
I went paperless years ago!
And my van, you don't even know that shit's got solar.
It's fucking dope! I do my part!
Did it ever occur to you that this whole great-outdoors trend
might actually be redefining everybody's relationship
with nature and it's possibly a good thing?!
I think people are starting to reconnect with the world,
and that's pretty damn cool!
But here you are,
scaring them away by demonizing the woods
and perverting spiritual beliefs
with your fucking weird scare tactics
and weird fucking attacks!
Get a life, you fucking culture vulture!
I know you could kill me at any time,
'cause I'm bleeding out...
but you ever talk shit about my wife again...
I will take that weird fucking wizard knife
out of your creaky old bitch hands...
and I will gut you like a fucking salmon.
Oh, God damn it, Frank!
[gunshot
You ever baby sat?
Okay, boy. Find your dad.
Ed!
I guess you didn't see that one coming through all the smoke.
Stupid fucking...
Oh, uh, pardon.
I said, fuck!
They're screaming! Can you hear them?!
I can.
What are they saying?
They're laughing at you.
Oh!
Oh, oh, Ed...
I'm so sorry.
Thunderbird, where are you really from?
Sherman Oaks, bitch.
It's okay, okay?
Thank God, I found you.
Oh, good. See?
Okay, okay. I gotta put you down here, okay?
-Okay. Okay. -Whoa.
Okay. Okay.
Okay.
No, no, no.
You came back for me.
Yeah. Of course.
Of course I did.
This is the most beautiful place I've ever seen.
Did you get through to the police?
- Uh, no. - No, it's okay.
- It's okay. - They put me on hold.
And then she pitched my phone.
Oh, shit.
We'll get you a new one, okay?
- Mm. I'm good. - Get you a nice one.
I'm sorry for being such a dick.
-No. -Oh, yeah.
-I was checked out. -Oh, no, no, no. Shh...
Don't say sorry.
Do you...
Do you know what a moose sounds like when it calls?
No.
Me neither.
You know, I, you know, I heard
there's this one place in Maine where the bats
circle you so close it feels just like you're levitating.
You know, I've... never been to the east coast before
but, uh... I've heard that the trees are bigger...
more ancient.
And, uh, there's this, this other place in Iceland
where... you can kayak under the aurora borealis
while the whales feed on krill below you.
I mean, can you imagine?
Just electric skies and we both...
breaching giants down below.
Imagine being a part of that, Ed.
You feels so...
So insignificant and so wonderful at the same time.
I wanna do all of those things.
- Hmm. - Yeah.
I don't wanna do them alone. I wanna do them...
I wanna do them with you.
I can't do them alone.
That's why I wanted to buy the van.
Uh, I wanna know what a moose sounds like when it calls, too.
- I love you. - I love you.
How are we gonna drive to Iceland?
Shh... You know what I mean.
It means we're getting a boat.
Yeah. Yeah, let's get a boat.
Just one little boat.
-I think I'm dying here. -No!
-No, you can't die. -You wanna bet?
No. That's just paper cut, Ed.
Don't be so dramatic.
You're not gonna die. Mm-mm.
- What? What? - They found us.
You got through to them?
-I guess. -Oh, God.
You, you remembered where we were?
Yeah.
It wasn't a problem.
Oh!
Oh, yeah?
It's past quiet hours!
All right, the campsite should be coming up
in a couple miles, just on the left.
- Or... - Or? Or?
Or we can stay on the road a couple hours longer
and head up to Bangor where...
Stephen King's house is.
You're such a nerd, baby.
I wanna sell him our life rights!
He writes fiction.
Yeah, well, it's not like anyone believed us anyway.
God, I still can't believe that they found the wrong body.
Yeah, I thought we weren't gonna talk about her.
Unless, unless you wanna talk about her.
No, no.
She's not ruining our trip. Not this time.
- What are you doing? - Going to Bangor.
But we're not leaving the state
until I get to see my bats.
Let's do it.
I spot with my little eyes
something that's yellow.
You can see the yellow.
Ooh, I think I know what it is.
Minnesota.
What brings you all the way out here?
Thought we'd take a field trip.
Teach the kids a little American history firsthand.
Oh, so cute.
Yeah, I just want to eat some lobster and get back to nature.
So, you want a campsite?
I might have one to spare.
What do you say, 20 bucks?
I'll throw in a couple of bundles of firewood.
Really? That's super nice of you.
Hop on out here and I'll give you the law of the land.