(waves lapping)
(bats fluttering)
(eerie piano music)
(singers vocalizing)
(dramatic music)
(eerie piano music)
(dramatic music)
(techno music)
(sinister music)
(techno music)
(techno music continues)
(sinister music)
- What?
Hi.
(sinister music continues)
(eerie piano music)
Wait.
(singers vocalizing)
What's your name?
- [Unknown] Why?
- Why?
- [Unknown] Why do you wanna know my name?
- Just so I know what to call you.
When... - When what?
- When we talk. That's what I mean.
- [Unknown] Is that what you wanna do? Talk.
- Maybe.
- - [Unknown] Talking might be nice.
- I mean, we could do other things.
- Your heart is beating quickly.
(dramatic foreboding music)
(eerie piano music)
(liquid splashes)
(ice clinking)
Drink.
- Aren't you drinking?
- Yes. Later.
- Don't I get to order my own drink?
- No.
(suspenseful music)
Drink.
(suspenseful music intensifies)
(glass thuds)
- I think I'd rather order my own drink.
- [Unknown] Drink it.
- I, I, I don't know you.
What if...
- What if I?
- Drugged me?
- I did. - What?
- I drugged it.
Something very special. Now drink it.
(suspenseful music continues)
- Wait. Hold on.
(ominous music)
- Okay.
I'm holding on.
Now listen to me.
You were meant to come here, to find me.
That's all that matters. That's all you were ever born for.
To be here with me right now.
Now drink.
(tense music)
(glasses beep)
Drink.
- What was in that drink?
- I was. My blood.
- Your what?
- How'd you like it?
- I liked it.
(dramatic music)
(sinister music)
(woman breathing heavily)
(sinister music continues)
Is something wrong?
- Everything's perfect, just like you!
(woman screaming)
(eerie music)
- And now it's time for episode 225
of Alexander's "Church of Chills."
(thunder rumbles)
Watch in horror, as we reveal ghosts,
(soft, eerie music)
monsters, new roots,
and the walking dead.
Welcome to Alexander's "Church of Chills," episode 225.
Alexander Jarvis here, along with my grisly gals,
Edwina and Juniper.
Click like, subscribe. Join our Patreon page.
Smash those buttons. (thunder rumbles)
This episode...
- Death in the Rat House.
- And...
- Haunted baby hands in Evermount Hospital.
- Ooh, and the man who ate his family.
With recipes.
It's "Church of Chills."
(thunder rumbles)
Okay. And cut.
- Wanna do another one?
- Why?
- For safety. - Maybe we can make it better.
- Seriously, who do I look like to you? Stanley Kubrick.
- No, not even slightly.
- Thank God.
Alright, finish it up. Send it out.
You check the feed.
I'm gonna start work on 226.
After I take a piss, 'cause that's how I roll.
- Well, good luck.
(feet thudding)
(foreboding music)
- Okay. You girls ready?
Yeah? All right, let's get this down.
All right. Okay.
Juniper start recording.
Okay. This is "Church of Chills,"
episode 226, segment three, prerecord rehearsal.
The vile vivisectionist.
And...
The next terrifying tidbit
straight out of Victorian history is called
- [Juniper And Edwina] Dr. Jonas Hope,
the vile vivisectionist of St. Pancras Hospital.
- Back then, doctors didn't know that they needed
to wash their hands before surgery.
And the most, well-known butcher,
I mean surgeon, was Dr. Jonas Hope.
(ominous music)
- This guy loved nothing better than spending his days
chopping off poor people's arms and legs.
- Well, everybody needs a hobby.
- But then one day a patient came in
who had been freshly crushed under a falling brick wall.
- Oops. - I'll say. Ooh.
The doctor proceeds to cut off
both of this poor guy's arms and legs.
- Of course, without benefit of anesthesia.
And he survives.
- And then a demented light dawns on the doctor.
- Okay, hold on. Hold on.
Wait. Cut.
Cut, cut.
- Oh, come. Jesus Christ.
Stop recording, Junie.
First of all, I am the only one who gets to call cut here.
- That's not true. I call cut all the time.
- (scoffs) Yeah, yeah, you sure do.
But you're not supposed to. Alright?
The director calls cut, the director.
Me, I'm the director.
And guess what? The director calls cut.
- Really? Since when?
- Since when? Since always.
That's the rule.
The director calls cut.
- No, she means since when are you...
Is this what you're doing here?
Does this make you the director?
That is what you mean, isn't it Junie?
- Well, actually, I was referring
to the general role of a director, but sure.
Yeah. Whatever. Let's go with that.
- Okay, well, why don't we go with
my interpretation of your remarks?
- No, no, no.
How about we go with the fact
that I created the show and my name is on it.
- Alex!
- And the fact that you two- - Alex!
- You work for me, and I am the director,
and I'm the one who gets to call cut.
- Alex. - What?
- Why don't you just ask Eddie why she called cut?
- Because I know why Eddie cold cut.
- Really? - Yeah.
- You wanna bet on that?
- (laughs) What are you willing to bet?
Hmm. Light of my life.
The criterion collection of your Jess Sprango DVDs.
- Are you kidding me? I wouldn't bet that.
- Oh! Dammit.
Okay, so how about this?
No more calling cut...
for this episode.
- Deal. - Okay, great.
- Wait, what happens if I win?
- You girls can have everything I own.
- Okay. No, no, wait, that's a trick.
You don't actually own anything, you fucker.
- Okay, so what then?
- You've gotta be nice to us.
(Alex laughs)
- Wait for how long?
- Forever.
- Seriously.
- A week.
(Alex sighs)
- Okay, but just hold on a second. Okay.
(pen scribbling)
(paper rips)
What is this?
- That is why Eddie called cut.
You are a independent arbiter.
- Smile when you call me that, stranger.
- You may proceed.
- Finally. Thank you.
I wanted to point out that there were around two paragraphs
missing about how patients were treated in those wards.
That was all great stuff.
- Yeah, yeah. It really is.
As indeed all of your stuff is, Eddie. You're brilliant.
But the show, it's coming in long
and it's gotta come in on time.
And one of us has to be an adult here. Right?
And, and you my love. You don't make cuts.
Junie, please.
- Eddie's going to bitch about the ward material being cut.
- There it is.
So much for having to be nice to you two bitches. (laughs)
Don't gimme that sourpuss Look, Eddie.
Now let's reset for take two, without any calling cuts.
(eerie music continues)
(eerie music)
And now, it's time for Alexander's "Church of Chills."
(thunder rumbles)
The next terrifying tidbit,
straight out of Victorian history, is called...
- [Eddie And Junie] Dr. Jonas Hope, the vile vivisectionist
of St. Pancreas Hospital.
- See, back then, doctors didn't understand that they needed
to wash their hands before surgery.
And the most infamous butcher,
surgeon, was Dr. Jonah Hope.
- This guy loved nothing better than chopping off
poor people's arms and legs.
- Well, everybody needs a hobby.
- One day, a patient had come in who had been crushed
by a falling brick wall.
- Oops. - I'll say. Ooh.
Dr. Jonas proceeded to cut off
both of this poor guy's arms and legs.
- Of course, without benefit of anesthesia.
And he survives.
- And then, suddenly, (people gasp)
a demented light dawned on the doctor.
He began to wonder just how much he could remove
from a human being and have that patient survive.
- [People] What?
- He had plenty of raw material, a hospital full of it.
- The good doctor selected patients to bring
to his special ward downstairs in his basement
where he conducted his diabolical experiments.
- And as for the screams.
Well, there were always screams coming from St. Pancras.
- But all good things and some horrible ones come to an end.
About 10 years later, some busy bodies
started to ask questions.
- And when they went to ask Dr. Hope these questions,
he disappeared.
- So they cut the heavy locks of that door
and headed down into that basement.
- And what did they find down there?
- At first, what they found
didn't seem to be living at all, let alone human.
They more resembled lines of damp leather bags
with tubes coming from them leading to bottles.
- Tubes to bring in food and remove waste.
- What were in those sacks?
Just a brain, bits of skull.
But no jaw, no tongue, (Alex clicks)
no eyes, no ears, no skeleton,
no muscles, just a few essential organs laced together.
God knows what those brains were thinking.
- Oh.
And the doctor succeeded no less than 33 times.
- But what about Dr. Hope? Where was he?
- As it turns out, Dr. Hope had been using a cess pit
to dispose of his discarded limbs.
When searchers closed in,
he'd attempted to use it as an escape route.
- He didn't get very far.
They found him down there, what was left of him.
- And of course, they couldn't explain
the condition of the doctor's body.
- The fact that it appeared as if it had been torn,
beaten, strangled, (Alex grunts)
and by many groping hands.
- Nor could anyone explain
the look of stark terror on Dr. Hope's face.
(Alex gasps)
(sinister music)
(keyboard clacking)
- What's the word that sounds like repugnant.
But it means that you don't want to, um, you know...
Um... - Reprehensible.
- Rep-re-hens. I would've thought of it, but thank you.
(soft, ominous music)
(keyboard clacking)
(unsettling music)
(unsettling music intensifies)
- Hey, Alex. - What?
- Take a look at this.
There's a video that's got over
half a million hits since yesterday and growing.
- Oh, yeah. Well, good for them.
Yours truly is not in the market
of sending traffic to somebody else's bullshit website.
- Yeah. We've got our own bullshit website to worry about.
(Alex scoffs)
(unsettling music)
- [Alex] He's got good taste though. She is cute.
- What? We never put up anything that's fake.
- (scoffs) Of course we do. Bigfoot, found alien footage.
All that shit is fake. So this, this is different.
It's viral marketing. You can tell.
Oh, okay. Let me just do this.
Yeah, see? There.
How convenient, the name of the dumb ass S and M club
right there for everybody to see.
A drink, a blowjob and a mojito.
(Alex scoffs)
How scary.
Have you ever been to one of these clubs, Junie?
Seriously?
It's, it's like trying to go to a nude beach.
You expect "Sports Illustrated,"
but you get, well, people like me. (chuckles)
- Ew. Yuck.
- Yeah, thanks.
The point is, that's fucking staged.
- We could use some of those nice juicy hits.
- I'm telling you that this sort
of thing flows the other way.
It sucks our viewers to them, not the other way around.
Now, sugar pie, honey bunch, can we please get back to work?
And don't give me that sourpuss look.
(eerie piano music)
(singers vocalizing)
(eerie piano music continues) (keyboard clicking)
(Eddie yawns)
(sinister music)
(phone ringing)
- (groaning) What?
- Eddie, go get Alex. I need you to go get Alex.
- He's asleep.
What's going on?
He's asleep. What's going on?
(unsettling music)
Is this live?
Alex!
Alex, get down here!
Alex. Wake up.
(airhorn blares)
- Jesus fucking Christ.
How many fucking times have I told you to stop doing that?
- Be nice. - Fuck!
- Oh, what a piece of work is man.
How noble in reason, how infinite in faculty,
in form and movement, how express
and admirable- - Enough! Enough!
- Keep your- - Enough!
What?
- Guys? Guys.
Alex, come here.
Hellfire House is live streaming again.
- Are you fucking kidding me? That's why you woke me up.
- Just watch. (sighs)
(lighter clicks) (eerie music)
- Well, this one's in a hurry.
- Must be giving them some sort of hypnotic drug.
- Oh, so you don't think it's actually his blood?
- Look, I don't know what this is.
- So you don't think this is a, a real live,
honest-to-gosh vampire live streaming his killings.
- Alex, there doesn't have to be a real live
vampire for killings.
- Oh, okay. Yeah, that makes sense.
All the stuff where he's turning into a vampire,
that's fake.
But all the stuff where he's killing these chicks,
that's real, that's what you believe?
Seriously?
- I don't know. Alex, there's something about this.
(unsettling music)
(woman grunting)
(sinister music)
(live streamer growls)
(eerie music)
- Interesting.
Always surprises. I'm impressed.
Usually when a woman marks herself in this way,
the canvas of flesh quite overwhelms the illustrations.
But these...
are quite lovely.
- Do you have any tattoos?
I'd love to see them.
- I'm afraid not.
(ominous music)
(woman screaming) (intense music)
(woman gasping)
- Wait.
Can, wind it back.
- What?
- The part where he's b-biting her. Wind it back.
I wanna see what- - Yeah, yeah. Hold on.
- Did you catch it? - Catch what?
- Just slide over.
- Jesus Christ, Alex, what the fuck?
- Yeah, this is getting weird. Even been for you.
- Just wait a second, okay. Fuck.
There.
You see it?
- See what?
- It's her jugular.
- No. God, no.
Okay.
The jugular is a vein in the neck right here.
What you're probably thinking of
is the exterior carotid arteries,
which are here and here in the neck.
But this, that's the axillary artery.
It, it, it runs under the collarbone,
provides blood to the shoulder and the arm.
- He is never gonna let us forget
that he took a year of med school.
- Two and a half. Get it straight.
- Okay? So whatever the fuck this um, monetary-
- Axillary, axillary artery.
- All right, axillary artery. So?
- So? Why bother?
If this is just viral marketing,
why bother with this obscure anatomical detail?
It makes more sense dramatically
to just go for the throat.
- Okay, so doesn't that mean
that somehow or other this is all real?
- Yeah, I guess it does.
- Oh fuck.
- Okay. So what do we do about it?
- We're gonna air it...
in the next show.
(eerie music)
(dramatic eerie music)
And now it's time for Alexander's "Church of Chills."
(woman screaming)
- What is the point of this nonsense?
- Just watch, my Lord.
- [Unknown] How did this happen?
These dabblers, how did they find us?
- I don't know. I can't seem to track them down.
They keep themselves hidden, just as we do.
- No, not as we do.
They're close.
(dramatic, sinister music)
- [Eddie] In case you were wondering,
the two Carnage House streams,
they're both over 3.5 million hits.
- [Alex] Go figure.
- [Junie] Jesus. Take a look at these numbers.
780,000, 790,000.
- [Alex] Well, I scored that high.
- That's not them, Mastermind. This is us.
- Are you kidding me?
- Hey guys, take a look at this. Found another one.
- Another one what?
- Another Carnage House killing. This one's different.
- What do you mean? Different how?
- It's old.
It's gotta be the first one.
Look. Okay, see one and two.
They're both over a million hits.
This one, it's only got seven.
- Why would they pull that back?
- It must be some, some kind of rehearsal.
Maybe it wasn't meant for streaming
or maybe something went wrong or...
- Okay, well that seems to be everything on the punch list.
We should check the mirrors.
- Of course.
(suspenseful music)
(paper rustling)
(ominous music)
- Oh, the new sign isn't in place.
Well, there's something there. Kreur, Kreurheim?
- Yes. It's the name of the home.
It's an old word. It means house of blood.
- Oh!
- Not my blood. The blood of my family.
(suspenseful music)
- All right.
Excuse me.
Okay. Well, it seems that everything's in order.
- So it seems.
A little rough around the edges, yet,
could see its final form
starting to peek through its chrysalis.
- Well, yes, I suppose.
Um. Okay, well, that is everything.
Oh, God. What was I thinking?
You have to sign the deed.
- Is this completely necessary?
- Yeah.
(pen scratching)
Great. Okay.
Well, I-I think that's everything then.
So, I'm gonna get going. (suspenseful music)
- Can't be leaving yet. We have to christen the place.
- Oh, no, no, I really, I don't have time for that.
- Please.
(soft, suspenseful music)
- Uh. Well...
- To extraordinary things.
- Yeah, to extraordinary things.
(glasses clink) (ominous music)
- Ooh!
Wow. That is some strong stuff.
- Yes, well, I found it necessary.
- Necessary?
- Necessary for creating a connection between us.
Don't you feel- - Um.
- Connection between us?
- Yeah, no, I, I I, well, I, I I really should.
I gotta, I have to go.
- Oh, that would be a terrible waste. Wouldn't you agree?
(tense music) (material rips)
(woman grunts)
There we are.
So much finer you appear
without those rags wrapped around you.
A sacrifice perfect for the gods.
- No.
- Ready to be laid on the altar.
(ominous music)
- No.
- Yes. This was all meant to be.
Here we go. - No!
(woman screaming) (dramatic sinister music)
(woman screaming)
- No! No!
No. (whimpers)
(intense music)
(woman screaming) (vampire snarling)
- Jesus.
Some fucking rehearsal.
(tape rewinding)
(paper rustling)
Kreurheim. I've heard that name before.
It's some big old stately home or something, isn't it?
- Beats me.
(ominous music)
- [Unknown] You'll find that your machines
no longer work for now.
- What the hell.
(keyboard clacking)
- Fuck. He's right.
- [Unknown] Yes, I am.
So do I have your attention now,
Mr. Jarvis, ladies?
- Holy shit. Alex, if he knows our names...
- Okay.
You have our attention. What can we do for you?
- [Unknown] What you can do for me?
I was thinking more along the lines of what you've done
to me by making public what I've chosen to keep private.
I suspect you have no idea to what extent
your thoughtlessness has inconvenienced me.
- What do you mean we made public?
You live stream your thing
to hundreds of thousands of people.
- [Unknown] Don't light that cigarette.
In fact, I want you to stop smoking altogether.
It's a sordid habit.
A habit of weak men, and it pollutes the body.
- Dude, it's just a cigarette. - Put it down!
(ominous music)
- Okay? I'm sorry.
- [Unknown] Mr. Jarvis, I plant my seeds very cautiously.
That's why no one outside of my circle knows about us.
That is, until now.
Because of you.
You've chosen to imprudently scatter
those seeds to the wind.
- I'm sorry, I-I didn't understand.
I-I don't understand.
I don't suppose you're willing to share
why you want to do this seed scattering.
(intense music)
T-t-to threaten us.
- (laughs) I don't threaten people.
If I considered you a danger to me,
you would never have seen me coming.
- Then, I-I don't know what. To, to explain?
Or, um, to, I, I don't know.
Um, I, I guess I'm done. I, I mean, I'm, I'm done guessing.
- Renfield.
- Junie. What?
- [Unknown] I'm afraid I didn't quite catch that young lady.
- Renfield is a character in the novel "Dracula."
It's a novel about- - Yes.
I am familiar with the work.
Renfield is, how would you describe him?
The groveling, lunatic servant of the vampire.
- I thought that maybe you thought about us like that.
- [Unknown] You're not far from wrong, Ms. Coleman.
But upon examination, it's obvious to me
that you're all thoroughly trivial creatures.
Not even useful to me as Renfields, as you put it.
Of course you agree, don't you?
- I don't know.
- [Unknown] Don't you?
- Yes.
Huh. (soft music)
Yes. I agree.
I mean, I, I can see exactly...
(gentle music)
- They're gone! (chair thuds)
- Sunlight.
Shit, that's why he's gone.
- For now.
- Fuck! (breathing heavily)
(crickets chirping)
- Alex.
Alex.
(suspenseful music)
- What? - So what the fuck
do we do now?
- Um. Okay.
I'll tell you what we're gonna do.
The footage of the contractor lady, we air it tonight.
- Are you fucking crazy?
- Haven't we pissed him off enough?
- Well he obviously didn't want it aired.
There's clearly something on there
that he didn't want anyone to see.
So we're gonna let people see it.
- Seriously, Alex, you are fucking mental.
- Juniper, what are you doing?
- What does it look like I'm doing, Alex?
- You really think you're gonna be able
to outrun this guy if he wants to find you?
- I think I have a better chance of outrunning him
if I fucking run.
Goddammit, where are my shoes?
- Junie. - Where are my fucking shoes?
- Can you please just calm down?
- I am calm.
- Okay. (chuckles ruefully)
- Alex, I want my money. I need my money.
- Jesus, Junie. We didn't even discuss-
- Cut the bullshit.
You always said we were equal partners in this.
We have money. I'm dissolving the partnership.
I need whatever part of the share that is mine. Okay?
So go get that cash box, Alex. I need my money.
- Junie, can we just talk.
- Talk about what?
Fine, Eddie. Fine.
Yeah, go ahead, talk. Talk about what?
- I just don't think that-
- That's right. There's nothing to talk about.
Enough. Go get the cash box, Alex.
- Alex.
- Fine!
(box clatters)
- Seriously, Alex, you keep the key in the lock?
- What do you want from me?
I would've lost it otherwise. - Jesus Christ. Hurry up.
- Hey!
- I don't have time for this.
We don't have time for this.
Shit. I didn't realize how broke we were.
- Seriously? Take a look around.
- Fine. Okay.
$850. That's my share.
I'm taking it.
- Junie, please.
- Junie, wait.
(poignant music)
- Alex.
- Take care.
(lighter clicks)
- I love you guys.
Just do yourselves a favor and run.
- (sighs) Eddie.
- So?
- So, so we do what I fucking said, okay?
We air it tonight
and we try to figure out why the fuck
he didn't want anyone to see it and shit, I don't know.
I don't know what the fuck else.
I'm not fucking Van Helsing, Eddie.
There are no more fucking Van Helsings.
- Jesus Christ, Alex.
Why the fuck are you yelling at me? What did I do?
- Ah, fuck.
- What do you want from me?
- I don't know. I don't know.
I'm sorry. Okay.
I know it's not your fault, but I-I'm just, I'm just...
(Alex laughs) It's this, it's crazy.
(Alex laughs)
(eerie, intriguing music)
(paper rustling)
(pen scratching)
- Shit.
Jesus Christ. - Shh.
Reading room. (ominous music)
- Oh, well, sorry, but you scared the...
I mean, you scared me to death.
- I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to creep up on you.
- It's, it's okay.
- I was just wondering if I might be able to help with this.
- I, I'm not sure.
- Oh, I'm so sorry.
It's always getting tangled up in, in everything.
Here, let me. - That's, it's okay.
- Hmm. Kreurheim? - Yes.
- I'm trying to find- - Local history. Hmm.
- I'm sorry?
- I think I can help you.
- Really? - Yes. I'll be back.
(suspenseful music)
With this.
- "Kreurheim Vampire Cults."
Holy shit it's here. God!
Seriously, thanks. I would've never found this on my own.
I swear.
You are a fantastic librarian.
- Who said I was a librarian?
(unsettling music)
- Christ, why does stuff like this always happen to me?
(objects clatter) (dramatic, tense music)
(hammer tapping)
- Jesus Christ. I'm sorry.
Come on.
(hammer tapping)
Come on, you piece of shit. Come on.
Ow! God dammit!
Oh, please forgive me.
Please forgive me. Okay.
(hammer thuds)
Okay.
(cross thuds) (dramatic music)
(cross clatters)
(cross thuds) (dramatic music)
(nails rattling)
(hammer tapping)
(door creaking)
(dramatic music continues)
(Alex coughing)
(soft, eerie music)
(door creaks)
- Hey Alex, I love what you've done with the place.
- (chuckles nervously) What do you got?
(books thud)
- That's the place.
It was built in 1880.
Whatever he's doing now, he was trying
to do the same thing back then.
He just couldn't make it work.
- Wait, what, what is this book?
"Death Cults Through the Ages."
- Let me read this to you. This is a quote,
"SO speaks Senor Arturo Valenor of the family Valenor.
'I have labored in the shadows for a very long time
to bring forth a great change in the world.
A change that will be forged in passion and blood.
When the final sacrifice is performed
before the great convocation of my followers,
the world of the living will be overthrown
and the Lord of the eternal night will rule.'"
Here, listen to this.
"Multiple reports, screams in the night
and horrible odors coming from the Kreurheim mansion."
- Kreurheim mansion?
- Right, that's that big closed up place
out by Regency Park.
It's right here in town.
"Police conducted a raid in the summer of 1892.
In the basement, they found the torn, decayed
and partially devoured remains
of over 200 women and children.
Evidence suggested unholy ritualistic acts
conducted both before and after death."
- Lovely.
- "No trace was ever found of Valenor or his followers.
Ownership of the mansion was passed to a single relative
who has sealed up the property.
It has been maintained unoccupied for over a century."
Alex, look at this.
Don't you see, Alex?
It's them. All three of them.
They haven't aged.
- Yeah. Yeah. I see.
- This is what he's trying do.
It's what he's been trying to do since, since back then.
This motherfucker isn't just looking for blood and tits.
He's trying to destroy the whole fucking world.
- I mean, he hasn't had much luck though, right?
Because it's been, what, like a hundred and something years?
- Goddammit. Don't you get it?
They didn't have live streaming back then.
Don't you see what he's doing?
He needs some critical mass.
That's what all this is about.
Look, see. (tense music)
The stars, just right.
The number of worshipers, just right.
The sacrifices, just right.
The rituals, just- - No, no.
- Jesus Christ, Alex, Don't give me that look.
Don't tell me you suddenly don't believe it.
This is what's happening right now.
- Okay. Right.
So what are we supposed to do?
Go over there and stake him through the heart.
They, they would kill us in two seconds.
We can't just let this-
- Okay, let's, let's just, let's just think about this.
Okay?
He didn't want anybody to know this stuff, right?
To, to know who he is,
where he lives, what he's trying to do.
So we do like I said, we put it up and let people see it.
And, and, and maybe, you know, maybe that,
that screws the whole thing up.
It blows up the ritual.
- Alex. - No, no. Come on.
We gotta get this streaming before sunset.
- Jesus, I don't know if we have the time.
It's all- - It doesn't matter.
It's fine.
Come on, we'll get it streaming and just let it go. Come on.
(dramatic music)
(eerie music)
And now it's time for Alexander's "Church of Chills."
This is an emergency broadcast.
Listen, this is Kreurheim, built in the 1800s.
It has been the scene of nightmares and murders.
It still is.
This man is Arturo Valenor,
only he's not just a man, he's something else.
One of the undead, a vampire who feeds on human blood.
He's there right now at Kreurheim.
And what he was trying to do back then,
he is still trying to do right now.
He's trying to destroy
the whole, fucking- (lights click)
- What the hell?
Alex the feed. What happened to the feed?
- How should I know.
- It's him.
- Some of you no doubt have been tuning in
to Mr. Jarvis's "Church of Chills."
We here at Kreurheim have been enjoying it all evening.
But now we have other business to attend to.
I'm sure all of you accept our invitation
to take part in this ritual.
(sinister music intensifies)
- [Eddie] Jesus.
Alex, do you know how many people
are watching this right now?
- Christ, Eddie.
I don't think right now is the time for that.
- 185, 187.
And that's just us.
- What the fuck?
I mean, how did he even know that we were gonna be stream...
What are the numbers on his stream?
- No good. He's locked us out again.
(vampires chanting in foreign language)
(woman groaning)
(woman gasping)
(zip zipping) (suspenseful music)
(Junie screaming)
- Oh shit. The sacrifice, fuck, it's Junie.
Oh my god. Fuck, what do we do?
Oh my God.
Fuck! You fucking leave her alone, you asshole!
(tense music)
(Junie screaming)
(vampire slurping)
(vampire snarls) (intense music)
Oh my God.
What do you want from us?
- What do I want?
What does a cat want with a mouse?
- Come on. (vampire laughs wickedly)
(suspenseful music)
- Ah!
(cross blasting)
(Eddie gasps)
- He's gone.
(suspenseful music continues)
(Alex whooshes)
- What a terrible shame.
So pale and pure.
Oh, if I had the time to truly enjoy...
their untouchable delights.
- So are these. (indistinct)
- Aargh! (dramatic music)
(vampire groans)
(cross clatters)
(vampire gurgles)
(Eddie breathing heavily) (dramatic music)
- There's someone down there.
(suspenseful music)
(eerie music)
- Who's there?
(sinister music)
- What?
- I thought I told you to stop smoking.
I said...
Put it out.
- Junie.
Junie what happened? Are you okay?
- Yes. I'm quite all right.
Everything turned out just as I planned.
I was worried for some time
that you two fools wouldn't play your appointed roles,
but in the end,
you perform the final sacrifice admirably.
- I don't understand.
Wh-what's going on.
- Yes, I was worried about that.
- Alex, you idiot. It's not Junie.
- What?
(bats fluttering) (dramatic music)
(bats squeaking)
- Listen to them, the children of the night,
what music they make.
(bats continue squeaking) (dramatic music continues)
(eerie piano music)