1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:06,553 --> 00:00:08,096 [birds chittering] 3 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 4 00:00:10,015 --> 00:00:11,850 ["Feeling Good" by Nina Simone plays] 5 00:00:11,933 --> 00:00:14,060 ♪ Birds flyin' high, you know how I feel ♪ 6 00:00:15,603 --> 00:00:20,358 ♪ Sun in the sky, you know how I feel ♪ 7 00:00:22,235 --> 00:00:27,157 ♪ Breeze driftin' on by You know how I feel ♪ 8 00:00:28,825 --> 00:00:32,662 ♪ It's a new dawn It's a new day ♪ 9 00:00:34,039 --> 00:00:36,833 ♪ It's a new life for me, yeah ♪ 10 00:00:36,916 --> 00:00:39,544 ♪ It's a new dawn It's a new day ♪ 11 00:00:39,627 --> 00:00:42,130 ♪ It's a new life for me ♪ 12 00:00:43,214 --> 00:00:46,217 ♪ Woo-woo-woo-woo-woo ♪ 13 00:00:47,093 --> 00:00:49,763 ♪ And I'm feeling good ♪ 14 00:00:49,846 --> 00:00:53,183 -[song continues] -[audience cheering, applauding] 15 00:00:56,311 --> 00:01:00,398 ♪ Fish in the sea, you know how I feel ♪ 16 00:01:02,525 --> 00:01:06,905 ♪ River running free You know how I feel ♪ 17 00:01:06,988 --> 00:01:08,740 [applause drowns speech] 18 00:01:08,823 --> 00:01:13,703 ♪ Blossom on the tree You know how I feel… ♪ 19 00:01:13,787 --> 00:01:15,371 What's up, New York? 20 00:01:15,455 --> 00:01:17,123 ♪ It's a new dawn It's a new day ♪ 21 00:01:17,207 --> 00:01:19,501 ♪ It's a new life, for me… ♪ 22 00:01:19,584 --> 00:01:21,419 ♪…for me ♪ 23 00:01:21,503 --> 00:01:24,714 ♪ And I'm feeling good ♪ 24 00:01:24,798 --> 00:01:27,801 [vocalizing] Ba-da-da-da-da. 25 00:01:29,052 --> 00:01:31,513 I love that shit. Ba-da-da-da-da. 26 00:01:32,388 --> 00:01:34,599 I feel good. You know why I feel good? 27 00:01:34,682 --> 00:01:35,767 [audience] Why? 28 00:01:35,850 --> 00:01:40,355 Because I ain't ashy no more, nigga. Look! A nigga got red socks on. 29 00:01:40,438 --> 00:01:43,691 The fuck is y'all talking about, nigga, red socks. 30 00:01:43,775 --> 00:01:46,402 Fuck the streets, nigga. 31 00:01:46,486 --> 00:01:48,947 I lotioned this part of my body today. 32 00:01:49,030 --> 00:01:51,241 Niggas don't fuck with this shit. 33 00:01:53,243 --> 00:01:55,870 I got a suit on. Nigga put a suit on. 34 00:01:55,954 --> 00:01:58,331 You just do this shit for no reason. 35 00:01:58,414 --> 00:02:02,085 I don't know, what's you say, miss? Stop playing with me, miss. 36 00:02:02,502 --> 00:02:04,212 Not today, bitch. 37 00:02:04,295 --> 00:02:06,297 You know, not today. 38 00:02:07,632 --> 00:02:10,885 You start doing shit like this. "I beg your pardon?" 39 00:02:10,969 --> 00:02:13,471 I can't fight in this shit. I'll be like this, 40 00:02:13,555 --> 00:02:15,348 "Talk to my lawyer. 41 00:02:15,974 --> 00:02:18,017 I beg your pardon, nigga." 42 00:02:18,101 --> 00:02:20,311 The fuck is y'all talking about? 43 00:02:21,604 --> 00:02:23,523 You know who not feeling good? 44 00:02:23,982 --> 00:02:28,945 Uh, uh, those White people, they got they ass whooped, 45 00:02:29,028 --> 00:02:32,198 sitting on the dock of the bay, in Alabama, nigga. 46 00:02:32,282 --> 00:02:33,825 Y'all see that shit? 47 00:02:33,908 --> 00:02:36,786 The Alabama brawl. Google that shit, nigga. 48 00:02:36,870 --> 00:02:39,831 The greatest fight in the history of fights. 49 00:02:40,081 --> 00:02:44,043 That's the only fight that started the civil rights movement, nigga. 50 00:02:44,127 --> 00:02:46,963 Them White people got the shit beat out of them. 51 00:02:47,046 --> 00:02:50,508 Hey, listen, Black people, we've been wanting to unite, 52 00:02:51,634 --> 00:02:54,512 we've been wanting to come together as a people, 53 00:02:54,596 --> 00:02:57,682 but we didn't have no call to action and shit. 54 00:02:57,765 --> 00:03:00,101 We didn't know how to set it off, nigga. 55 00:03:01,436 --> 00:03:06,232 We needed like a "hooty-woo," or a "skee!" 56 00:03:07,233 --> 00:03:10,153 We didn't have shit to unite our people. 57 00:03:10,236 --> 00:03:14,699 Who would've thought the civil rights movement would've started with a nigga? 58 00:03:14,782 --> 00:03:17,368 Let me see your hat, nigga. Give me your hat. 59 00:03:17,452 --> 00:03:20,163 With this shit right here. What up! 60 00:03:21,247 --> 00:03:23,625 There ain't no niggas came out that shit. 61 00:03:23,708 --> 00:03:26,502 It look like a roach commercial! [vocalizes] 62 00:03:26,586 --> 00:03:28,963 That nigga beat the shit out them crackers! 63 00:03:29,047 --> 00:03:30,340 [imitates beating] 64 00:03:31,257 --> 00:03:32,967 Not one person dropped their beer, 65 00:03:33,051 --> 00:03:37,055 they was getting the shit beat out of them, like, "Oh, wait, wait, wait." 66 00:03:37,138 --> 00:03:40,558 Fucked them up. The new cereal… And you know what? 67 00:03:40,642 --> 00:03:45,313 This is when I knew that this was a movement… 68 00:03:47,398 --> 00:03:50,026 when a nigga hit a White bitch in the head… 69 00:03:52,320 --> 00:03:55,406 with a folding chair… from Walmart. 70 00:03:55,490 --> 00:03:58,201 The nigga didn't get arrested and didn't get shot. 71 00:03:58,284 --> 00:04:02,205 I was like, "Look at God, won't He do this? 72 00:04:02,288 --> 00:04:05,416 He will, my God is a good God." 73 00:04:06,876 --> 00:04:09,087 They hit that bitch like it's bam! 74 00:04:09,170 --> 00:04:10,672 ♪ It's a new day! ♪ 75 00:04:10,755 --> 00:04:11,673 Pow! 76 00:04:11,756 --> 00:04:13,091 ♪ It's a new dawn! ♪ 77 00:04:13,174 --> 00:04:14,008 Pow! 78 00:04:14,092 --> 00:04:16,177 ♪ And I'm feeling… ♪ 79 00:04:16,719 --> 00:04:17,887 Pow! 80 00:04:18,763 --> 00:04:22,475 A nigga swam across the motherfucking river, standing up. 81 00:04:22,558 --> 00:04:23,768 You see a nigga… 82 00:04:31,401 --> 00:04:33,903 I'm gonna tell y'all, I'm a honest comedian. 83 00:04:33,987 --> 00:04:36,531 I'm gonna be honest. Y'all gotta be honest with me. 84 00:04:36,614 --> 00:04:38,741 When I ask y'all this question, be honest. 85 00:04:38,825 --> 00:04:44,622 Has anybody in this audience ever been in a toxic relationship? 86 00:04:44,706 --> 00:04:46,916 Make some noise, make… Let me see them hands. 87 00:04:47,000 --> 00:04:49,669 Make some noise if you've been in a toxic relationship 88 00:04:49,752 --> 00:04:53,840 and you realize, nigga, you the toxic one in the relationship, it's you, nigga. 89 00:04:53,923 --> 00:04:55,883 You need a therapist, nigga. 90 00:04:55,967 --> 00:04:58,761 You get a therapist, you get a therapist. 91 00:04:58,845 --> 00:05:02,056 Everybody gets a therapist! 92 00:05:03,516 --> 00:05:06,269 I'm Broprah Winfrey in this, motherfucker. 93 00:05:06,352 --> 00:05:08,646 I didn't know I was a toxic motherfucker. 94 00:05:08,730 --> 00:05:11,983 I didn't know I was a toxic nigga. I thought I was a real nigga. 95 00:05:13,109 --> 00:05:15,153 I didn't know I was a toxic nigga. 96 00:05:15,236 --> 00:05:17,405 I just thought that was a crazy bitch. 97 00:05:18,698 --> 00:05:21,826 Because I don't have a lot of mental health words. 98 00:05:21,909 --> 00:05:23,870 [audience members giggle] 99 00:05:24,871 --> 00:05:29,125 Women today, they got all the motherfucking mental health words. 100 00:05:29,208 --> 00:05:31,586 They get it off of Sociogram and TikTok. 101 00:05:33,755 --> 00:05:35,715 And she got all the words. 102 00:05:36,174 --> 00:05:38,885 They can't wait to use all they words. 103 00:05:39,969 --> 00:05:45,058 Soon as you say something, "Excuse me, respect my boundaries." 104 00:05:45,141 --> 00:05:48,603 Bitch, if you don't get out of my face… "Don't gaslight me. 105 00:05:48,686 --> 00:05:51,898 Respect my boundaries. I need time to heal. 106 00:05:52,982 --> 00:05:56,402 You're manipulative. I need time to heal. 107 00:05:56,486 --> 00:05:59,238 Don't gaslight me. You're gaslighting me. 108 00:05:59,322 --> 00:06:02,867 You're a narcissist. You're a narcissist." 109 00:06:02,950 --> 00:06:05,536 This bitch was like, "You're a narcissist." 110 00:06:05,620 --> 00:06:08,164 I said, "Bitch, I'm a Sagittariuses." 111 00:06:08,247 --> 00:06:10,500 That's the "suses" I know, bitch. 112 00:06:10,583 --> 00:06:12,543 Sagittarius. 113 00:06:12,627 --> 00:06:15,880 Half-horse, half-man, bitch be seven-six. 114 00:06:15,963 --> 00:06:18,132 I fuck Scorpio and Cancer bitches. 115 00:06:20,468 --> 00:06:22,053 Men don't know all those words. 116 00:06:22,136 --> 00:06:24,722 And when a man don't know a word, what he do? 117 00:06:24,806 --> 00:06:26,432 He just skip the subject. 118 00:06:26,516 --> 00:06:31,521 He like… "You a narcissist." Nigga be like, "Narcissist? Fuck is that? 119 00:06:31,604 --> 00:06:33,231 What did that rhyme with?" 120 00:06:33,606 --> 00:06:34,607 Then get mad… 121 00:06:34,690 --> 00:06:37,568 "Well, I'll be whatever you want me to be, bitch, 122 00:06:37,652 --> 00:06:40,863 just stay the fuck out my phone. Respect my boundaries." 123 00:06:41,656 --> 00:06:45,660 I remember when I first read the Webster Dictionary 124 00:06:45,743 --> 00:06:49,789 of narcissists, after I read that, I said, "Yep." 125 00:06:51,457 --> 00:06:54,877 Nigga, I felt like Taylor Swift. I was like, "It's me." 126 00:06:55,795 --> 00:06:59,590 ♪ Hi, I'm the problem, it's me ♪ 127 00:07:02,093 --> 00:07:05,304 I stare directly into the sun but never in the mirror. 128 00:07:06,097 --> 00:07:08,641 It must be so exhausting. 129 00:07:08,891 --> 00:07:11,686 Always searching for the antihero. 130 00:07:11,769 --> 00:07:13,938 ♪ Bum, bum, bum, bum ♪ 131 00:07:14,188 --> 00:07:15,898 I didn't know, did I? 132 00:07:15,982 --> 00:07:19,277 And I had to stop being toxic 'cause I met this chick, 133 00:07:19,360 --> 00:07:21,279 and she untoxited me. 134 00:07:25,366 --> 00:07:29,162 She said the most gangster shit a woman has ever said to me. 135 00:07:29,245 --> 00:07:32,290 She looked me right in my face. She said, "Donnell." 136 00:07:32,373 --> 00:07:33,583 I said "What?" 137 00:07:33,666 --> 00:07:36,043 She said, "I just wanna let you know that 138 00:07:36,127 --> 00:07:39,005 whatever you are doing, I'm doing." 139 00:07:40,381 --> 00:07:42,383 [audience laughing] 140 00:07:45,386 --> 00:07:47,180 "You cheating on me, bitch? 141 00:07:47,847 --> 00:07:51,142 I don't believe this dirty-ass, hoe-ass…! 142 00:07:51,225 --> 00:07:53,311 Bitch! You a whore!" 143 00:07:58,774 --> 00:08:01,360 I tell you one thing, though, toxic chicks 144 00:08:01,444 --> 00:08:04,572 got the best sex you ever have in your life. 145 00:08:05,781 --> 00:08:08,910 Crazy pussy, nigga. You know what I'm talking about. 146 00:08:08,993 --> 00:08:11,412 I'm talking about Cuckoo for Cocoa puffs, 147 00:08:11,496 --> 00:08:13,289 like… [yodeling] 148 00:08:13,998 --> 00:08:16,083 Chicks will start their sex off like this, 149 00:08:16,167 --> 00:08:20,004 "First of all, that pussy be fire," 150 00:08:20,546 --> 00:08:22,673 the type of shit you argue all week. 151 00:08:22,757 --> 00:08:25,843 "Okay, where you going? Let's talk. Okay, wait, listen. 152 00:08:26,093 --> 00:08:27,094 I could change. 153 00:08:30,640 --> 00:08:33,559 Just stay the fuck out my phone, baby, we good." 154 00:08:35,228 --> 00:08:37,355 Women, let me explain something. 155 00:08:37,438 --> 00:08:40,441 You can gauge how good your sex is 156 00:08:40,525 --> 00:08:43,611 by how long a man argues with you. 157 00:08:44,195 --> 00:08:47,406 If you've been talking that shit… "Ay, ay, ay…" 158 00:08:47,490 --> 00:08:48,658 [dramatic gasp] 159 00:08:48,741 --> 00:08:50,493 "Ay, ay, ay…" 160 00:08:50,576 --> 00:08:53,079 And at the end of that he like, "Whatever," 161 00:08:53,162 --> 00:08:55,206 your pussy is garbage. 162 00:08:55,289 --> 00:08:57,583 It's trash, it's international trash. 163 00:08:58,918 --> 00:09:03,422 [in French accent] "How do you say, it is a… 164 00:09:03,506 --> 00:09:06,425 the pussy, it is no good. Yes? 165 00:09:06,509 --> 00:09:08,594 It is shit garbage." 166 00:09:08,678 --> 00:09:11,639 "How do you say…" that's how they talk overseas. 167 00:09:11,722 --> 00:09:14,100 I was in New Zealand a couple months ago, right. 168 00:09:14,183 --> 00:09:15,685 Let me explain something, 169 00:09:15,768 --> 00:09:20,565 New Zealand is the most nigga-free place I ever been in my life. 170 00:09:20,648 --> 00:09:25,027 Ain't no niggas in New Zealand, zero negro in New Zealand. 171 00:09:25,111 --> 00:09:28,781 I was there for three days. First nigga I saw was me in the mirror. 172 00:09:28,864 --> 00:09:31,158 In my hotel room looking in the mirror. 173 00:09:31,242 --> 00:09:34,495 I'm like, "Nigga, that's you. You can't count for you." 174 00:09:34,579 --> 00:09:37,707 You know, I finally saw this Black guy, I got excited. 175 00:09:37,790 --> 00:09:39,792 I was like, "What up, my nigga?" 176 00:09:39,875 --> 00:09:43,254 He said, "Who are you calling a nigga, motherfucker?" 177 00:09:43,337 --> 00:09:46,299 He turned into an African. That's how Africans are. 178 00:09:46,382 --> 00:09:50,303 Africans are… they never blink. You ever seen an African blink? 179 00:09:51,762 --> 00:09:54,265 Soon as they born, it's a surprise party. 180 00:09:54,348 --> 00:09:56,183 Get close to this shit. 181 00:09:56,267 --> 00:09:59,312 They be like, "What fuck is this and this and this?" 182 00:09:59,395 --> 00:10:01,606 They just playing with their eyeballs. 183 00:10:01,689 --> 00:10:05,151 "What is this, this, this and this and this and this, 184 00:10:05,234 --> 00:10:06,861 this and this and this?" 185 00:10:08,195 --> 00:10:09,614 I better stop talking shit. 186 00:10:09,697 --> 00:10:12,116 There's gonna be an African nigga outside. 187 00:10:12,199 --> 00:10:14,368 "It is me, motherfucker." [imitates blowgun] 188 00:10:16,954 --> 00:10:21,626 "Bitch-ass nigga." [imitates blowgun] 189 00:10:23,294 --> 00:10:25,796 I was in New Zealand, after seven days 190 00:10:25,880 --> 00:10:29,675 of not seeing no Black people, I started feeling exotic. 191 00:10:31,594 --> 00:10:33,554 I was like, "I'm about to get me 192 00:10:33,638 --> 00:10:37,308 one of these New Zealand lambchop-eatin'-ass bitches out here." 193 00:10:38,225 --> 00:10:39,727 I started feeling exotic. 194 00:10:39,810 --> 00:10:43,356 I started telling chicks I was Idris Elba when I was there. 195 00:10:43,898 --> 00:10:46,942 They ain't know the diff. "I was like, bitch, I'm Idris Elba." 196 00:10:47,026 --> 00:10:48,694 I had an accent and everything. 197 00:10:48,778 --> 00:10:52,073 I said… [speaking gibberish in a Cockney accent] 198 00:10:52,156 --> 00:10:54,867 You wanna go skip… go take the bloody, the bloody, 199 00:10:54,950 --> 00:10:56,744 the bloody hotel." 200 00:10:58,454 --> 00:11:00,873 I was running that shit, and I saw this chick. 201 00:11:00,956 --> 00:11:04,293 I was trying to talk to her and shit, and she was with a girlfriend. 202 00:11:04,377 --> 00:11:07,963 She said, "Girl, come here." She said, "What?" She said, "That's him." 203 00:11:08,047 --> 00:11:10,925 "Who?" "That's him." "Who?" She said, "Idris." 204 00:11:12,593 --> 00:11:15,054 Evidently, other chick knew. She was like… 205 00:11:17,098 --> 00:11:19,934 "Bitch, that's Ashy Larry, you dumb-ass bitch. 206 00:11:20,017 --> 00:11:24,021 You sucked Ashy Larry's dick, you stupid-ass, ho-ass bitch, 207 00:11:24,105 --> 00:11:28,234 skinny-ass ho! Bitch, you'll go for anything! 208 00:11:28,317 --> 00:11:30,695 You ain't see that nigga knuckles, bitch. 209 00:11:30,778 --> 00:11:33,781 That's Ashy Larry, dummy." 210 00:11:35,491 --> 00:11:38,411 I'm gonna say something, and I'm really excited about doing 211 00:11:38,494 --> 00:11:41,163 this special, but I hope this don't fuck it up for me. 212 00:11:41,247 --> 00:11:43,833 But, man, I just wanna say, 213 00:11:45,501 --> 00:11:49,046 gay Black men in America 214 00:11:49,130 --> 00:11:51,757 make the best potato salad I've ever… 215 00:11:52,550 --> 00:11:55,469 Ah, nigga! 216 00:11:55,553 --> 00:12:00,057 Gay potato salad, nigga. That shit is fire, nigga. 217 00:12:00,433 --> 00:12:04,103 I don't know what they mix in it, but it be some ya… 218 00:12:04,186 --> 00:12:06,021 They throw some yas. 219 00:12:06,522 --> 00:12:10,192 They put their paprika on, going like "Yas, yas, yas!" 220 00:12:11,694 --> 00:12:13,612 Come through, "tater" salad! 221 00:12:13,696 --> 00:12:17,116 What is it giving? What is it giving? What is it giving? 222 00:12:20,828 --> 00:12:22,788 They watch you take every bite like… 223 00:12:22,872 --> 00:12:24,915 "Ah, ah…" 224 00:12:24,999 --> 00:12:28,335 Like, "I ain't gonna suck your dick, get out my face." 225 00:12:29,837 --> 00:12:32,715 I'm telling you, my older brother's gay as shit. 226 00:12:32,798 --> 00:12:35,885 I love him, right, and we both love to cook, right. 227 00:12:35,968 --> 00:12:39,430 And this motherfucker's potato salad… 228 00:12:39,513 --> 00:12:41,307 Women love this potato salad. 229 00:12:41,390 --> 00:12:44,560 One time I said, "You know what, I wanna make potato salad." 230 00:12:44,643 --> 00:12:46,103 They said "Uh-uh." 231 00:12:46,979 --> 00:12:49,482 I said, "What you mean 'Uh-uh'?" They said, "Uh-uh. 232 00:12:49,565 --> 00:12:51,692 We don't want your potato salad." 233 00:12:51,776 --> 00:12:55,362 I said, "Well, then who potato salad do y'all want?" 234 00:12:55,446 --> 00:12:58,115 They said, "We want Chucky potato salad." 235 00:12:58,199 --> 00:13:00,409 Nigga, I go hard as shit, I'm a savage, 236 00:13:00,493 --> 00:13:05,581 I go, "Well, you know, Chucky puts dick juice in his potato salad. 237 00:13:05,664 --> 00:13:08,709 He puts dick juice in his potato salad, bitch. 238 00:13:08,793 --> 00:13:12,463 You like that creamy shit? Skee, skee, 239 00:13:12,546 --> 00:13:16,091 bitch, that's what's in that potato salad, ski-i-i-t. 240 00:13:17,051 --> 00:13:20,054 That nigga ain't got no nutmeg nowhere in his house. 241 00:13:20,137 --> 00:13:21,055 No meg. 242 00:13:21,138 --> 00:13:24,642 Just nuts in every container, skee." 243 00:13:28,687 --> 00:13:30,397 They loved this dude potato salad. 244 00:13:30,481 --> 00:13:32,942 I called him one night, it was midnight. 245 00:13:33,025 --> 00:13:35,319 I was like "Chucky, wake up." He said "What?" 246 00:13:35,402 --> 00:13:37,488 I don't know if his body did that, 247 00:13:37,571 --> 00:13:40,407 but his voice sounded like, he was like, "What?" 248 00:13:44,078 --> 00:13:48,165 I was like "Chucky, man, these women love your potato salad." 249 00:13:48,457 --> 00:13:50,125 He said, "And?" 250 00:13:51,502 --> 00:13:53,921 I said, "And what I'm trying to say is… 251 00:13:54,630 --> 00:13:58,634 you probably could get some pussy off this potato salad." 252 00:13:58,884 --> 00:14:02,721 He said, "And that'd be the last time I make potato salad." 253 00:14:05,057 --> 00:14:07,351 He said, "That be the last, last, last." 254 00:14:07,434 --> 00:14:09,019 He turned into a boomerang. 255 00:14:09,103 --> 00:14:13,816 "That be the las… That be the last time I make potato salad." 256 00:14:18,445 --> 00:14:21,490 I told y'all that I would be honest with y'all. 257 00:14:21,574 --> 00:14:24,285 I'm gonna let y'all know something that, uh, 258 00:14:24,368 --> 00:14:27,955 I have dated outside of my race. 259 00:14:28,873 --> 00:14:31,000 Yep, I like 31 flavors. 260 00:14:32,877 --> 00:14:34,587 I was on White bitches hard. 261 00:14:35,921 --> 00:14:38,591 I had jungle fever for three-and-a-half years. 262 00:14:38,674 --> 00:14:43,012 I was on White bitches hard. I don't know where I caught it. It had to be… 263 00:14:43,679 --> 00:14:45,055 Starbucks. 264 00:14:46,056 --> 00:14:49,768 Should have kept my Black ass down at the Dunkin Donuts, man. 265 00:14:50,686 --> 00:14:53,981 I used to go to Starbucks early morning. I don't even drink coffee. 266 00:14:54,064 --> 00:14:56,817 I would hide. I'd hide behind the plastic tree. 267 00:15:02,990 --> 00:15:07,161 The White chicks used to come in with them Lemon Lulu yoga pants 268 00:15:07,244 --> 00:15:09,955 with the rescue dog fur all on the inside. 269 00:15:10,039 --> 00:15:12,499 All type of cat fur, parakeet, ferret, 270 00:15:12,583 --> 00:15:15,669 all type of animal DNA all the way. 271 00:15:15,753 --> 00:15:18,881 I used to wait for them and yell out the coffee order, 272 00:15:18,964 --> 00:15:23,886 "Double Frappuccino for Amber," and I'd be like, "Ah, Amber alert." 273 00:15:26,263 --> 00:15:27,556 Then I had to stop 274 00:15:27,640 --> 00:15:32,102 'cause I started following Dr. Umar Johnson on the internet. 275 00:15:32,186 --> 00:15:33,520 [audience groans] 276 00:15:37,650 --> 00:15:40,277 Ma'am, do you know who Dr. Umar Johnson is? 277 00:15:40,361 --> 00:15:43,072 Dr. Umar Johnson is the blackest nigga 278 00:15:43,155 --> 00:15:46,075 in the United States of America. 279 00:15:46,158 --> 00:15:48,035 Nobody can out-nigga that nigga. 280 00:15:48,118 --> 00:15:51,372 He that nigga, all his clothes is made in Africa. 281 00:15:52,331 --> 00:15:56,377 Look like he washed with Black soap from 125th street, nigga. 282 00:15:58,170 --> 00:16:01,507 He looked like he moisturizes his body with unscented shea butter. 283 00:16:01,590 --> 00:16:03,676 That's the blackest you can do. 284 00:16:03,759 --> 00:16:06,929 And every time he talk, he like, "What is it, brother?" 285 00:16:08,847 --> 00:16:10,766 And I'm gonna tell you something. 286 00:16:10,849 --> 00:16:12,518 Dr. Umar is a smart man. 287 00:16:12,601 --> 00:16:16,188 Ninety-five percent of the things that Dr. Umar say, I agree with. 288 00:16:16,271 --> 00:16:19,149 Dr. Umar said, "We as Black people need 289 00:16:19,233 --> 00:16:21,360 to take back our communities. 290 00:16:21,443 --> 00:16:25,280 We need to buy the houses we live in." I was like, "Hell, yeah. 291 00:16:25,364 --> 00:16:27,574 Talk that shit, Dr. Umar, let's go." 292 00:16:27,658 --> 00:16:31,829 And Dr. Umar said, "And I think we need to make Black schools 293 00:16:32,413 --> 00:16:36,834 with Black principals and Black teachers and Black bus drivers." 294 00:16:36,917 --> 00:16:40,504 I'm like, "Fuck, yeah, here go a check, 30,000, build a school. 295 00:16:40,587 --> 00:16:41,839 Let's go, Umar." 296 00:16:41,922 --> 00:16:44,800 And then Dr. Umar said, "And I don't think 297 00:16:44,883 --> 00:16:46,927 Black men should fuck White women." 298 00:16:47,011 --> 00:16:49,847 I said, "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. 299 00:16:49,930 --> 00:16:51,807 Respect my boundaries, nigga. 300 00:16:52,683 --> 00:16:55,019 Give me my money back, nigga. Fuck that, nigga. 301 00:16:55,102 --> 00:16:58,814 Go fight the power down the street, nigga, give me my money, Umar. 302 00:16:58,897 --> 00:17:00,524 Respect my boundaries." 303 00:17:02,568 --> 00:17:04,528 And then if he catch you with a White chick, 304 00:17:04,611 --> 00:17:06,655 he say, "You been snow-bunnied." 305 00:17:07,698 --> 00:17:09,616 I would hear bunny hoppity. 306 00:17:10,784 --> 00:17:12,494 And then he take a picture of you, 307 00:17:12,578 --> 00:17:15,497 you and the White bitch… [imitates camera shutter clicking] 308 00:17:15,581 --> 00:17:18,917 And the White chick, she always be looking cute. She'd be like this… 309 00:17:28,886 --> 00:17:33,182 And the nigga, he'd be looking like Jonathan Majors, that nigga be like… 310 00:17:45,194 --> 00:17:48,280 And then he put you on your Instagram page, snow bunny, bap, 311 00:17:48,363 --> 00:17:49,698 and don't write no caption. 312 00:17:49,782 --> 00:17:53,285 He just tell you the dates where you can come see him talk about you. 313 00:17:54,828 --> 00:17:56,580 I want to meet Dr. Umar. 314 00:17:56,955 --> 00:18:00,793 I wanna have a face-to-face. I was like, "Ooh, come here, let me talk to you." 315 00:18:00,876 --> 00:18:02,628 "What is it, Brother Rawlings?" 316 00:18:03,253 --> 00:18:06,673 I'm like, "Put your fist down, nigga, I'm trying to talk to you." 317 00:18:06,757 --> 00:18:08,717 "What is it, Brother Rawlings?" 318 00:18:08,801 --> 00:18:14,473 I wanna say, "Dr. Umar, have you ever had 319 00:18:14,932 --> 00:18:16,558 your dick sucked… 320 00:18:19,103 --> 00:18:22,856 by a blonde-haired, blue-eyed 'devil'… 321 00:18:24,566 --> 00:18:26,735 that's really sorry about slavery?" 322 00:18:28,529 --> 00:18:32,741 "Dr. Umar, have you ever had a reparations blowjob?" 323 00:18:32,825 --> 00:18:38,705 "Dr. Umar, you ever had a freedom fuck on a pickup truck?" 324 00:18:38,789 --> 00:18:43,085 "Dr. Umar, have you ever bust a nut for George Floyd?" 325 00:18:43,168 --> 00:18:46,213 "Dr. Umar… 326 00:18:49,216 --> 00:18:53,053 you call her a snow bunny, I call her a freedom fighter, nigga." 327 00:18:54,847 --> 00:18:58,725 I respect him, but I'm too old to care 328 00:18:58,809 --> 00:19:03,730 or somebody to tell me who I could like, love, or fuck. 329 00:19:05,232 --> 00:19:08,443 You start doing that, you like, "Oh, this woman can't be in love, 330 00:19:08,527 --> 00:19:12,030 this woman, this guy can't." I'm too old for that dumb shit. 331 00:19:12,114 --> 00:19:16,618 This is the number one way you could tell when you're getting older, 332 00:19:16,702 --> 00:19:18,620 when you could just be standing still 333 00:19:19,746 --> 00:19:23,083 and you feel like you popped or broke something 334 00:19:23,167 --> 00:19:24,459 in your body. 335 00:19:25,627 --> 00:19:29,047 I saw this guy the other day, he was standing still like a robot. 336 00:19:31,967 --> 00:19:34,428 All of a sudden he was like, "Fuck! 337 00:19:35,888 --> 00:19:37,890 Dammit, shit!" "What happened?" 338 00:19:37,973 --> 00:19:41,143 "Oh, I just… I broke my leg, nigga, I broke my leg." 339 00:19:41,226 --> 00:19:44,897 "Walk it off." "I can't walk that off. They gonna cut me. They gonna cut me. 340 00:19:44,980 --> 00:19:48,275 Look, my toe look like Forest Whitaker left eyeball. 341 00:19:48,358 --> 00:19:49,985 They gonna cut me." 342 00:19:50,068 --> 00:19:53,405 You know you getting older when you get up and you make this noise…. 343 00:19:53,488 --> 00:19:57,117 "Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep. Okay, here we go. 344 00:19:57,201 --> 00:19:58,493 Yep, yep, yep, yep." 345 00:19:59,411 --> 00:20:00,954 Nothing wrong with getting old. 346 00:20:01,038 --> 00:20:04,583 You know who make you feel fucked up? TikTokers. I hate these TikTokers. 347 00:20:04,666 --> 00:20:07,252 You look like one of them TikTok niggas. 348 00:20:12,549 --> 00:20:15,219 I hate them. I don't take pictures with them. 349 00:20:15,302 --> 00:20:19,056 I think they wanna take a picture and just wait for you to die 350 00:20:19,139 --> 00:20:21,808 so they can RIP post your ass. 351 00:20:21,892 --> 00:20:25,062 Soon as a nigga die, they be, "I know I got a picture. 352 00:20:26,438 --> 00:20:28,649 I know I got one, there go one right there." 353 00:20:28,732 --> 00:20:31,735 They post your picture, put all type of prayer hands on your shit. 354 00:20:32,903 --> 00:20:36,615 They all say the same shit. "Oh, this one hurt right here." 355 00:20:38,075 --> 00:20:40,702 "Oh, man, this one hurt. The last one hurt. 356 00:20:40,786 --> 00:20:43,247 But this the hurtest out of all the hurt." 357 00:20:43,330 --> 00:20:47,793 Niggas be spelling words wrong. "I want to send my conglomerate resistance, 358 00:20:47,876 --> 00:20:51,505 condolences… my condole over… this one hurt, God. 359 00:20:51,588 --> 00:20:53,924 Why you couldn't just take me?" 360 00:20:55,592 --> 00:20:57,719 There's nothing wrong with getting old. 361 00:20:57,803 --> 00:21:01,723 Embrace that shit, 'cause it don't matter how young you try to look, 362 00:21:01,807 --> 00:21:04,726 you cannot disguise the old man walkaway. 363 00:21:06,311 --> 00:21:09,982 You ever see a motherfucker over there with skinny jeans on, 364 00:21:10,065 --> 00:21:12,526 stomach hanging all over the jeans. 365 00:21:13,568 --> 00:21:17,739 "How I look in these skinnies?" You look young until you walk away. 366 00:21:17,823 --> 00:21:20,033 You walk away, you cannot disguise that shit. 367 00:21:20,117 --> 00:21:24,204 They be like, "I'll talk to y'all later. All right, how your mama doing, she good?" 368 00:21:28,041 --> 00:21:31,086 The old niggas always be grabbing their hamstring like… 369 00:21:31,169 --> 00:21:33,297 they always wanna know what you need, 370 00:21:33,380 --> 00:21:36,675 "You don't need nothing from the store? I'm going to go down there. 371 00:21:36,758 --> 00:21:40,012 How your mama doing? Tell her I'm making beans this weekend." 372 00:21:41,847 --> 00:21:44,349 It's okay to get old. I'm telling y'all, 373 00:21:44,433 --> 00:21:48,812 some young women out here that love old heads. 374 00:21:49,062 --> 00:21:51,023 They be going old head hunting. 375 00:21:52,024 --> 00:21:53,400 It ain't just any old head. 376 00:21:53,483 --> 00:21:57,571 They looking for the old head that's making a transition in his life. 377 00:21:58,864 --> 00:22:02,242 This nigga confused. He don't know how old he is no more. 378 00:22:02,326 --> 00:22:05,662 Like, how old are you? "I'm 30, 52 years old, bitch. 379 00:22:05,746 --> 00:22:10,125 I'm 52, 31, bitch. That's how old I am, skee." 380 00:22:10,959 --> 00:22:13,128 Them young chicks be looking for them. 381 00:22:13,211 --> 00:22:15,881 They get they girls, "Come on, girl, let's go." 382 00:22:15,964 --> 00:22:18,884 They be like, "Girl, you need to stop fucking with them young niggas. 383 00:22:18,967 --> 00:22:22,179 They ain't gonna do shit. You need an old nigga. 384 00:22:22,262 --> 00:22:25,390 They only like to fuck when they got they blue pills." 385 00:22:26,141 --> 00:22:29,644 You ever see an old head attitude before his pill pop? 386 00:22:30,395 --> 00:22:34,191 You trying to grab a dick. He be like, "Wait. Whoa, whoa." 387 00:22:35,776 --> 00:22:38,695 "Let me get that dick, Daddy." "Whoa, whoa. 388 00:22:38,779 --> 00:22:41,656 Whoa, give me 30 minutes, bitch, I'll be right back." 389 00:22:44,159 --> 00:22:45,327 They look for that. 390 00:22:45,410 --> 00:22:49,206 They with the girls, they see him, they're like, "Come on, girl." 391 00:22:57,297 --> 00:23:01,134 Then they pull up on an old dude, they be like this, "Hey, Daddy." 392 00:23:01,218 --> 00:23:04,179 Old niggas like, "Oh, that's my shit right there. 393 00:23:04,262 --> 00:23:08,725 They put Daddy with a Z, "Hey, Ziddy. Hey, Diddy." 394 00:23:09,851 --> 00:23:11,853 They make an old motherfucker feel good. 395 00:23:11,937 --> 00:23:14,481 He be like, "You think I should dye my beard?" 396 00:23:14,564 --> 00:23:18,151 "Don't do that, Daddy. I like that sexy-ass salt-and-pepper. 397 00:23:18,235 --> 00:23:20,821 You, oh, fine-ass, silver fox-ass nigga. 398 00:23:20,904 --> 00:23:24,491 I like my meat, nice and seasoned, Zaddy." 399 00:23:27,452 --> 00:23:30,414 They make you feel good as shit until… 400 00:23:31,164 --> 00:23:33,083 you get into that first argument. 401 00:23:33,166 --> 00:23:34,918 Nigga, that first argument, 402 00:23:35,001 --> 00:23:37,838 they let you know exactly how old you are. 403 00:23:37,921 --> 00:23:42,008 They can't wait to be like, "With your old ass, sit your old…" 404 00:23:42,092 --> 00:23:45,137 They pull your whole face. "Sit your old ass in the corner. 405 00:23:45,220 --> 00:23:48,557 Old-ass nigga. Did you take your pills today, Daddy? 406 00:23:48,640 --> 00:23:52,561 Did you take your pills today, Daddy? Daddy… Father… 407 00:23:55,856 --> 00:23:57,941 Take your pills, Dad." 408 00:23:58,024 --> 00:23:59,901 They can't wait to blow you up. 409 00:23:59,985 --> 00:24:03,697 They take you to a restaurant and make you read off that menu… 410 00:24:04,322 --> 00:24:08,618 with them little-ass microscopic words. Bitch trying to make you look like 411 00:24:08,702 --> 00:24:11,746 Floyd Mayweather in that motherfucking restaurant. 412 00:24:11,830 --> 00:24:15,292 You're like, "I don't need this, I already know what I want. 413 00:24:15,375 --> 00:24:17,794 Just give me chicken. Stop playing with me." 414 00:24:17,878 --> 00:24:20,380 "What type of chicken?" "The chicken with the bones!" 415 00:24:20,464 --> 00:24:24,050 Stop playing with me. I like my chicken boned in. 416 00:24:24,134 --> 00:24:26,511 I don't know who invented chicken nugget. 417 00:24:26,595 --> 00:24:31,099 That's the gayest shit I ever heard. The fucking boneless chicken wings. 418 00:24:31,183 --> 00:24:32,684 It's a nugget. 419 00:24:34,478 --> 00:24:38,023 I know I'm an old head. I'm an old head with a young son, 420 00:24:38,523 --> 00:24:40,609 and I got a young baby mother 421 00:24:40,692 --> 00:24:43,278 that I'm co-parenting with right now. 422 00:24:43,361 --> 00:24:46,990 And let me explain something to y'all. I hate co-parenting. 423 00:24:47,282 --> 00:24:48,909 Not that I hate being a parent. 424 00:24:48,992 --> 00:24:51,786 I never thought that I wouldn't be with the woman 425 00:24:51,870 --> 00:24:54,956 that I had a baby with, and the shit fucked with me. 426 00:24:55,040 --> 00:24:58,376 Anybody say co-parenting is easy, they've been doing it a long time. 427 00:24:58,460 --> 00:25:02,297 That first year of co-parenting, you still got feelings for this chick, 428 00:25:02,380 --> 00:25:04,299 you still got emotions and shit. 429 00:25:04,382 --> 00:25:07,344 He be like, "We would've just did it for the kids." 430 00:25:08,803 --> 00:25:12,057 "Why you couldn't just stay out my phone, bitch?" 431 00:25:16,061 --> 00:25:19,231 "We would've been happily ever after. 432 00:25:19,314 --> 00:25:22,651 That's my phone, fuck a iPhone. It's mine." 433 00:25:27,572 --> 00:25:31,826 That first year of co-parenting, you don't give a fuck about that kid. 434 00:25:33,453 --> 00:25:37,165 One time my son was like, "Daddy, let's go outside and play." 435 00:25:37,249 --> 00:25:41,711 I said, "Nigga, if you don't get the fuck out my face with that football and tell me 436 00:25:41,795 --> 00:25:44,798 who your mama fucking. Respect my boundaries, nigga. 437 00:25:44,881 --> 00:25:47,968 Who is your mother fucking? Let's talk some real shit, nigga. 438 00:25:48,051 --> 00:25:51,596 Remember, I'm Santa Claus, nigga. You better start talking." 439 00:25:55,892 --> 00:25:57,394 But you can't be that way. 440 00:25:57,477 --> 00:26:00,647 Co-parents, I found out, you cannot let this kid know 441 00:26:00,730 --> 00:26:02,857 how you really may feel. 442 00:26:06,152 --> 00:26:09,197 You can't do that shit. You'll fuck him up mentally. 443 00:26:09,281 --> 00:26:12,576 So you gotta act like a Sesame Street motherfucker. 444 00:26:14,452 --> 00:26:18,081 Anything that this little nigga say, you gotta be excited about. 445 00:26:18,164 --> 00:26:21,001 One time my son said, "Daddy, I got a great idea." 446 00:26:21,084 --> 00:26:21,960 I said, "What?" 447 00:26:22,043 --> 00:26:25,422 He said, "Let's throw a party for Mommy." 448 00:26:25,505 --> 00:26:28,300 I'm like, "Oh, you trying to trick a nigga." 449 00:26:29,217 --> 00:26:33,805 "Respect my boundaries, nigga. You know I don't fuck around like that." 450 00:26:34,681 --> 00:26:36,808 "That sounds like a great idea. 451 00:26:38,184 --> 00:26:40,937 Let's throw a party for Mommy." 452 00:26:41,021 --> 00:26:45,191 You can't tell a eight-year-old, "I don't fuck with your mama like that. 453 00:26:45,275 --> 00:26:47,777 I keep telling you, I fuck with you." 454 00:26:48,653 --> 00:26:51,031 "Let's throw a party for Mommy." 455 00:26:54,659 --> 00:27:00,749 And I'm gonna tell you something. Kids don't care about you being in love. 456 00:27:01,541 --> 00:27:03,168 They don't give a fuck. 457 00:27:03,251 --> 00:27:06,630 They just wanna see their parents together on vacation. 458 00:27:06,713 --> 00:27:09,883 They wanna see them at the dinner table. My son know… 459 00:27:11,092 --> 00:27:13,720 He know I don't fuck with his mama like that. 460 00:27:14,179 --> 00:27:15,764 And this how I knew he knew 461 00:27:15,847 --> 00:27:19,100 because one day he said, "Daddy, let's go to your room." 462 00:27:19,184 --> 00:27:21,603 This nigga took me to the living room. 463 00:27:26,941 --> 00:27:29,736 I know some niggas, watching, y'all couch niggas… 464 00:27:29,819 --> 00:27:32,614 Niggas, I had to hit my spot on the couch. 465 00:27:32,697 --> 00:27:35,408 I was like, "Wake me up in the morning, nigga." 466 00:27:35,492 --> 00:27:37,160 "I love you, Daddy." 467 00:27:41,915 --> 00:27:45,085 And my son, he know he got me wrapped around his finger 468 00:27:45,168 --> 00:27:48,713 because I'm a old head dad. Niggas be calling me a Dino Dad. 469 00:27:49,631 --> 00:27:52,133 All my friends' kids are a lot older than my son. 470 00:27:52,217 --> 00:27:54,803 I was planning my son's first birthday party, 471 00:27:54,886 --> 00:27:56,888 and I called one of my buddies. 472 00:27:56,971 --> 00:28:00,725 I said, "Yo, you think your son could come to my son's party?" 473 00:28:00,809 --> 00:28:03,561 He was like, "If he can get off work, nigga." 474 00:28:04,729 --> 00:28:09,484 "What the fuck are you talking about? Chuck E. Cheese, nigga? 475 00:28:09,567 --> 00:28:12,987 A play date at Chuck E. Cheese, nigga? 476 00:28:13,071 --> 00:28:15,490 We at Magic City, nigga. Me and my son." 477 00:28:17,242 --> 00:28:18,868 Ski-i-i-t. 478 00:28:20,620 --> 00:28:22,622 [audience members applaud] 479 00:28:23,623 --> 00:28:27,585 Being an older dad, I think I'm a dad that identifies as a mom. 480 00:28:28,294 --> 00:28:30,338 So does that make me trans-parent? 481 00:28:30,422 --> 00:28:31,840 Am I trans-parent? 482 00:28:34,342 --> 00:28:37,762 Because I'm a man-man, but I be saying mom shit. 483 00:28:38,805 --> 00:28:40,807 I be saying shit like… "Ohh!" 484 00:28:40,890 --> 00:28:42,600 [male audience member] Ohh. 485 00:28:42,684 --> 00:28:47,272 See, nigga, you can't be no gangster. "We gonna kill this nigga. 'Oh, oh, oh.'" 486 00:28:47,355 --> 00:28:49,274 My son know he got me wrapped. 487 00:28:49,357 --> 00:28:52,902 The other day, I said, "Austin, are you trying to make Daddy cry?" 488 00:28:52,986 --> 00:28:57,073 He said, "It's okay, Daddy, because if you cry, it'd be happy tears." 489 00:28:57,157 --> 00:28:58,074 I said, "Oh…" 490 00:28:59,576 --> 00:29:04,205 Nigga about to get so much pussy in the first grade. 491 00:29:07,041 --> 00:29:11,337 His mother's young. My baby mother is a lot younger than me. 492 00:29:11,421 --> 00:29:14,340 A lot. A lot. 493 00:29:16,259 --> 00:29:19,095 Somebody say, "Donnell, well, how much is a lot?" 494 00:29:19,179 --> 00:29:24,768 I put it like this, I'm older than my baby mother's mother. 495 00:29:24,851 --> 00:29:26,686 [audience groaning] 496 00:29:28,313 --> 00:29:30,690 ♪ My mind's telling me ♪ 497 00:29:32,358 --> 00:29:38,156 ♪ My mind's telling me no, but my body ♪ 498 00:29:38,531 --> 00:29:42,619 ♪ My body's telling me, yeah ♪ 499 00:29:42,702 --> 00:29:45,622 ♪ I… ♪ 500 00:29:48,249 --> 00:29:51,336 Somebody say, "Donnell, why don't you date women your own age?" 501 00:29:51,419 --> 00:29:54,839 I'm like, "Obviously you don't know how old I am." 502 00:29:55,965 --> 00:29:59,177 I ain't doing that shit. I'm older than hip-hop, nigga. 503 00:29:59,260 --> 00:30:00,804 I ain't doing that shit. 504 00:30:01,596 --> 00:30:03,890 I'm too famous. I ain't doing that shit. 505 00:30:03,973 --> 00:30:05,642 Survey says, "ahh." 506 00:30:08,603 --> 00:30:10,563 Ladies, don't get me wrong. 507 00:30:10,647 --> 00:30:14,818 Listen, I would have grown over the chick, 508 00:30:14,901 --> 00:30:20,740 but I'm not gonna go out and get a brand-new old bitch. 509 00:30:23,660 --> 00:30:25,495 I'm too famous, nigga. 510 00:30:26,830 --> 00:30:28,957 I'm rich, bitch. 511 00:30:35,338 --> 00:30:36,756 I can't do it. 512 00:30:36,840 --> 00:30:40,134 How do I start a conversation with a brand-new old bitch? 513 00:30:40,218 --> 00:30:44,180 What, I be like, "You got type-one or type-two diabetes?" 514 00:30:44,264 --> 00:30:46,224 "You got one-- Look at God, 515 00:30:46,558 --> 00:30:49,602 gave the bitch the same "betes" as me. 516 00:30:50,520 --> 00:30:53,731 Go to dialysis every Wednesday like me." 517 00:30:55,692 --> 00:30:58,528 How do I start a conversation with a brand-new old bitch? 518 00:30:58,611 --> 00:31:00,780 "You ever had 'Mesothelithemiomia'? 519 00:31:02,156 --> 00:31:07,036 Have you or a loved one ever suffered from 'Meso-theli-themiomia'?" 520 00:31:09,747 --> 00:31:15,169 Anybody ever known somebody that called in late for work? 521 00:31:15,753 --> 00:31:18,381 "Yeah, I ain't gonna be able to make it. 522 00:31:18,464 --> 00:31:21,092 I got that meso-thel-feminomia. 523 00:31:21,175 --> 00:31:23,052 Yeah, it's all in my throat. 524 00:31:23,136 --> 00:31:25,597 I got that meso-theli-omia." 525 00:31:26,848 --> 00:31:30,852 This table right here is unhappy as a motherfucker right here. 526 00:31:31,102 --> 00:31:32,937 These three people right here, 527 00:31:33,021 --> 00:31:37,191 y'all still fucked up about that Alabama brawl shit, It was a joke. 528 00:31:38,067 --> 00:31:39,777 "That was my mom!" 529 00:31:47,660 --> 00:31:49,495 [laughter] 530 00:31:52,165 --> 00:31:53,833 "Seriously? 531 00:31:53,917 --> 00:32:00,465 Literally, figuratively, contextually, metaphorically. 532 00:32:00,882 --> 00:32:02,634 Like, literally." 533 00:32:05,345 --> 00:32:08,181 They about to walk out of this show. I don't give a fuck. 534 00:32:08,264 --> 00:32:11,100 Get the fuck out of here, y'all old ragged bitch. 535 00:32:11,184 --> 00:32:13,353 [grunts] 536 00:32:25,782 --> 00:32:30,119 I did that joke a couple months ago about brand-new old bitches, right? 537 00:32:30,203 --> 00:32:32,997 And I went outside, 538 00:32:33,081 --> 00:32:35,541 and when I went outside, I looked outside 539 00:32:35,625 --> 00:32:40,505 and it was eight brand-new old bitches. 540 00:32:41,631 --> 00:32:44,676 I got nearer. I looked down, ain't nobody had their shoes on. 541 00:32:44,759 --> 00:32:47,553 I was like, "They about to jump me out here." 542 00:32:49,138 --> 00:32:52,684 They was digging in the Vaseline and shit. Put it on their face. 543 00:32:55,311 --> 00:32:57,271 They was like, "You got a problem? 544 00:32:58,398 --> 00:33:02,694 Excuse me, Mr. Comedian, you got a problem 545 00:33:02,777 --> 00:33:04,779 with brand-new old bitches?" 546 00:33:04,862 --> 00:33:09,492 I said, "No, I just don't remember the last time I had a brand-new old bitch." 547 00:33:10,243 --> 00:33:13,746 It made me think, I said, "Donnell, you're doing this all wrong. 548 00:33:13,830 --> 00:33:16,374 Maybe you need to date someone closer to your age. 549 00:33:16,457 --> 00:33:18,876 Maybe you need a mature woman in your life, 550 00:33:18,960 --> 00:33:20,211 with a mature body… 551 00:33:26,968 --> 00:33:29,178 and mature titties." I need some. 552 00:33:31,055 --> 00:33:33,391 Sick of these little fake-ass Hollywood titties. 553 00:33:33,474 --> 00:33:36,310 They do a jumping jack and the titty don't even move. 554 00:33:37,562 --> 00:33:39,689 I need a chick with four hooks in the back. 555 00:33:39,772 --> 00:33:41,149 That's what I'm looking for. 556 00:33:41,232 --> 00:33:45,153 One of them four-hook chicks. They be struggling with them hooks. 557 00:33:45,236 --> 00:33:48,614 "You can't get one of these hooks, nigga, you can't help me? 558 00:33:48,698 --> 00:33:51,284 You want the pussy, why don't you work for it? 559 00:33:51,367 --> 00:33:53,995 Get it, get a hook, nigga." 560 00:33:55,496 --> 00:33:59,250 I'm talking about them naturals, them joints start off right here. 561 00:34:01,586 --> 00:34:04,714 They hit that last hook, the titty do like this. 562 00:34:07,091 --> 00:34:09,886 [microphone thudding] 563 00:34:27,445 --> 00:34:29,989 Chicks with four hooks? When they take that bra off, 564 00:34:30,073 --> 00:34:33,242 they take it off like shoulder pads in the NFL, nigga. 565 00:34:50,927 --> 00:34:51,928 [microphone thuds] 566 00:34:54,305 --> 00:34:56,974 [laughter] 567 00:35:13,407 --> 00:35:14,951 Chicks with four hooks, 568 00:35:15,034 --> 00:35:18,621 when they take they bra off, they are in for the rest of the night. 569 00:35:18,704 --> 00:35:23,459 "You wanna go get drinks and appetizers?" "You should have called ten minutes ago. 570 00:35:23,543 --> 00:35:26,796 I just took my bra off, bitch. I am in for the night." 571 00:35:26,879 --> 00:35:28,381 "Okay, bye." 572 00:35:31,050 --> 00:35:32,385 Mmm… 573 00:35:33,886 --> 00:35:34,929 Bye. 574 00:35:37,014 --> 00:35:40,393 So I was talking to my brother the other day, and I said, 575 00:35:40,476 --> 00:35:45,648 "Well, since you not going to make your gay potato salad," 576 00:35:47,108 --> 00:35:49,694 I said, "What are you gonna make for Thanksgiving?" 577 00:35:49,777 --> 00:35:53,114 This motherfucker said, "Green beans, potatoes, tomatoes, 578 00:35:53,489 --> 00:35:57,410 lamb, rams, hogs, dogs, greens, beans, chicken, lamb." 579 00:35:58,244 --> 00:36:00,872 -[female audience member] You name it. -You name it. 580 00:36:03,166 --> 00:36:06,961 There's a couple White people don't know what I'm talking about. 581 00:36:07,044 --> 00:36:10,089 This White dude look like, he like, "What the fuck?" 582 00:36:10,173 --> 00:36:12,508 He did a song about produce. 583 00:36:12,592 --> 00:36:15,386 A lot of people talk about this is a very popular song. 584 00:36:15,469 --> 00:36:19,807 The backstory, this legend of this green bean, you name it song. 585 00:36:19,891 --> 00:36:23,811 A popular gospel singer by the name of Shirley Caesar. 586 00:36:23,895 --> 00:36:25,605 Right, she's a living legend. 587 00:36:25,688 --> 00:36:29,567 You talk to, her name, people be like, "Look at God." 588 00:36:29,650 --> 00:36:33,571 So, Shirley-- See, look at me, White man, I'm talking to you. 589 00:36:33,654 --> 00:36:36,949 She's in church, and everybody's talking about the things 590 00:36:37,033 --> 00:36:41,370 they're gonna make for Thanksgiving. Nobody thinks Shirley Caesar could cook. 591 00:36:41,454 --> 00:36:44,332 They didn't think she could cook a lot of things. 592 00:36:44,415 --> 00:36:46,709 They thought she was a one-pot wonder, 593 00:36:46,792 --> 00:36:50,963 like she had a punk-ass pot of spaghetti. Every woman knows what I mean. 594 00:36:51,047 --> 00:36:52,882 You ever be like, "I'm hungry." 595 00:36:52,965 --> 00:36:56,802 They be like, "You want spaghetti?" You be like, "Nah, bitch, I'm good. 596 00:36:56,886 --> 00:37:01,307 I'm going to sleep. I don't want that spaghetti with red and green peppers. 597 00:37:01,390 --> 00:37:03,726 Ain't nobody ask for Mexican spaghetti. 598 00:37:03,809 --> 00:37:08,147 Just do what the instruction say, add one pound of ground beef." 599 00:37:08,773 --> 00:37:11,067 So Shirley Caesar got mad, sir. 600 00:37:11,150 --> 00:37:14,445 And she made a song to describe what she was gonna cook. 601 00:37:14,528 --> 00:37:16,405 And she was pissed. 602 00:37:16,489 --> 00:37:18,115 She said, "Now look… 603 00:37:19,158 --> 00:37:20,743 Look at here. 604 00:37:20,826 --> 00:37:24,622 I got green beans, potatoes, tomatoes, lamb, spams, hogs, 605 00:37:24,705 --> 00:37:28,501 bogs, green beans, potatoes, tomatoes, chicken, lamb, 606 00:37:28,584 --> 00:37:30,336 chicken, you name it. 607 00:37:30,419 --> 00:37:32,421 Potatoes, tomatoes, matoe, matoe…" 608 00:37:32,505 --> 00:37:35,216 I ain't know what the fuck a matoe was. 609 00:37:35,299 --> 00:37:38,219 But I said I need two pounds of matoes right now. 610 00:37:39,053 --> 00:37:43,099 For the White woman that still look confused, I'm going to do a remix. 611 00:37:43,808 --> 00:37:46,310 I'm gonna do a White version of that song. 612 00:37:46,769 --> 00:37:48,521 Brussels sprouts, arugula, 613 00:37:49,897 --> 00:37:52,733 asparagus, you name it. 614 00:37:52,817 --> 00:37:56,821 Broccolini, broccolini, yogurt, yogurt, granola, 615 00:37:56,904 --> 00:38:01,158 granola, flaxseed oil, avocado oil, 616 00:38:01,242 --> 00:38:03,953 sunflower seed oil, gluten-free, 617 00:38:04,036 --> 00:38:07,248 lactose-free, Coca-Cola zero, 618 00:38:07,331 --> 00:38:10,501 no sugar, you name it. 619 00:38:11,294 --> 00:38:15,798 Unsweetened tea, dry-ass chicken breasts, 620 00:38:15,881 --> 00:38:20,219 no salt, no pepper, no seasoning, right out the pack, 621 00:38:20,303 --> 00:38:22,305 right on the grill. 622 00:38:22,388 --> 00:38:26,809 Get home and wash that right off the back of the truck. Right on the grill. 623 00:38:26,892 --> 00:38:30,646 Shield's still got a bloody-ass Kotex pad, you name it. 624 00:38:30,730 --> 00:38:35,359 New York, y'all have been great. I'm Donnell Rawlings, have a good night. 625 00:38:35,443 --> 00:38:37,111 [audience cheering, applauding] 626 00:38:37,194 --> 00:38:40,156 ["U Name It" by Shirley Caesar plays] 627 00:38:42,033 --> 00:38:43,951 ♪ You name it! ♪ 628 00:38:45,036 --> 00:38:48,748 ["Feeling Good by Nina Simone playing] 629 00:38:51,834 --> 00:38:56,213 ♪ Fish in the sea, you know how I feel ♪ 630 00:38:58,090 --> 00:39:02,345 ♪ River running free You know how I feel ♪ 631 00:39:04,472 --> 00:39:08,768 ♪ Blossom on the tree You know how I feel ♪ 632 00:39:09,310 --> 00:39:12,646 ♪ It's a new dawn It's a new day ♪ 633 00:39:12,730 --> 00:39:16,901 ♪ It's a new life, for me ♪ 634 00:39:16,984 --> 00:39:20,154 [vocalizing] 635 00:39:27,620 --> 00:39:32,166 Thank you all for coming out. It's a new day, it's a new dawn, 636 00:39:32,249 --> 00:39:36,379 it's a new life for me. And, New York, I'm feelin' good. 637 00:39:36,462 --> 00:39:37,588 Good night! 638 00:39:37,671 --> 00:39:40,383 [song continues] 639 00:39:40,466 --> 00:39:42,385 [cheering, applauding] 640 00:39:56,982 --> 00:40:02,696 [man] This is protected by the red, the black, and the green 641 00:40:02,780 --> 00:40:05,866 at the crossroad with a key.