1 00:00:01,043 --> 00:00:04,082 (CLUB MUSIC) 2 00:00:10,643 --> 00:00:16,243 Ladies, welcome to the stage, the Chatty Man himself. It's Alan Carr! 3 00:00:16,283 --> 00:00:18,643 (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) 4 00:00:21,283 --> 00:00:25,003 Oh, wow! Ha ha ha! 5 00:00:25,883 --> 00:00:27,963 Oh! 6 00:00:28,003 --> 00:00:30,883 Hackney, Hackney! 7 00:00:30,923 --> 00:00:34,563 (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Oh, thank you so much for coming! 8 00:00:36,923 --> 00:00:39,243 Listen, listen, we're gonna have so much fun tonight. 9 00:00:39,283 --> 00:00:42,763 (CHEERING) Lovely. Now, listen, 10 00:00:42,803 --> 00:00:45,643 I've flown all the way from Italy to be here tonight. 11 00:00:45,683 --> 00:00:50,643 Yes. Do you watch that show with me and Amanda Holden? Yes! 12 00:00:50,683 --> 00:00:52,403 (CHEERING) Yes. 13 00:00:52,443 --> 00:00:55,403 People always say to me, "Are you really friends with Amanda Holden?" 14 00:00:55,443 --> 00:00:57,003 And I am. 15 00:00:57,043 --> 00:01:01,043 We met on that show, DNA Journeys. Did you see it?(WEAKLY): Yes! 16 00:01:01,083 --> 00:01:04,443 Well, that'll explain the ratings. Thanks, guys. 17 00:01:04,483 --> 00:01:06,043 (LAUGHTER) 18 00:01:06,082 --> 00:01:09,523 So, I didn't know whether I wanted to do this DNA Journey. 19 00:01:09,563 --> 00:01:11,203 And I said to my mum, "Shall I do it?" 20 00:01:11,243 --> 00:01:13,723 She went, "Do it, we might be related to royalty." 21 00:01:15,123 --> 00:01:17,363 Knowing my luck, it'll be Prince Andrew. 22 00:01:17,403 --> 00:01:19,403 (LAUGHTER) 23 00:01:25,603 --> 00:01:28,323 So, I sent my DNA off. I spat in the tube. 24 00:01:28,363 --> 00:01:31,763 Two days later I got a very excited phone call from ITV. 25 00:01:31,802 --> 00:01:34,643 "Alan, Alan, you've got an identical twin." 26 00:01:34,683 --> 00:01:37,843 (LAUGHTER) "You've got an identical twin." 27 00:01:37,883 --> 00:01:41,522 That's gold, innit? Prime time, ITV, part four, that door opens, 28 00:01:41,563 --> 00:01:43,963 "Hello, Alan, how you doing?" 29 00:01:44,003 --> 00:01:46,003 (LAUGHTER) 30 00:01:50,203 --> 00:01:52,963 "Come and give your brother a hug, come on!" 31 00:01:53,003 --> 00:01:55,003 (LAUGHTER) 32 00:01:58,083 --> 00:02:01,443 I said, "I don't think I've got a twin. 33 00:02:01,483 --> 00:02:03,523 "I don't feel like I've got a twin." 34 00:02:03,563 --> 00:02:05,203 Classic TV person. 35 00:02:05,242 --> 00:02:09,723 She said, "Alan, is there a chance maybe your mum gave the twin away 36 00:02:09,763 --> 00:02:11,803 "at birth and never told you?" 37 00:02:11,843 --> 00:02:13,283 (LAUGHTER) 38 00:02:13,323 --> 00:02:15,603 What did the other one look like? I'm not being funny. 39 00:02:15,643 --> 00:02:17,643 (LAUGHTER) 40 00:02:19,122 --> 00:02:21,323 What the hell did that one look like? 41 00:02:21,363 --> 00:02:24,603 Can you imagine that? ITV, part four, "Hello, Alan!" 42 00:02:24,643 --> 00:02:26,643 (LAUGHTER) 43 00:02:29,083 --> 00:02:32,122 "Come and give your brother a hug!" 44 00:02:32,163 --> 00:02:34,603 (LAUGHTER) I can't see it. 45 00:02:34,643 --> 00:02:38,563 Can you see my mum giving a twin away at birth? Can you see that? 46 00:02:38,603 --> 00:02:42,323 AUDIENCE: No. 1976 in that maternity ward. 47 00:02:42,363 --> 00:02:44,843 "It's alright, I'll keep the gay one with the teeth." 48 00:02:44,883 --> 00:02:46,883 (LAUGHTER) 49 00:02:54,803 --> 00:02:57,643 Thank you so much for coming tonight to Regional Trinket 50 00:02:57,683 --> 00:03:02,763 because, can I be honest with you, this show is cursed? No, it's cursed. 51 00:03:02,803 --> 00:03:05,043 Since I did this show, 52 00:03:05,083 --> 00:03:08,963 it's been cancelled, it's be postponed, my dog died, 53 00:03:09,003 --> 00:03:11,683 my marriage collapsed. I've gone through a divorce. 54 00:03:11,723 --> 00:03:13,883 This show is cursed. 55 00:03:13,923 --> 00:03:16,203 Even before I wrote the show, it was cursed. 56 00:03:16,243 --> 00:03:19,163 I'm on the train with my laptop, writing the jokes for this show. 57 00:03:19,203 --> 00:03:22,763 On the laptop, like this. Typing away on the train, like this. Typing away. 58 00:03:22,803 --> 00:03:25,203 The man next to me says, "Can I use the toilet?" 59 00:03:25,243 --> 00:03:26,963 And I did that lazy thing. 60 00:03:27,003 --> 00:03:29,443 I didn't get up out of my seat. You know, sometimes you don't. 61 00:03:29,483 --> 00:03:32,683 I just curled into a ball like that. (LAUGHTER) 62 00:03:32,723 --> 00:03:35,843 And as he walked past, his ball bag fell on the keyboard. 63 00:03:35,883 --> 00:03:37,603 Bang. (LAUGHTER) 64 00:03:42,683 --> 00:03:44,843 Deleted seven pages of jokes. 65 00:03:44,883 --> 00:03:46,883 (LAUGHTER) 66 00:03:51,003 --> 00:03:52,923 What's the chances of two testicles 67 00:03:52,963 --> 00:03:55,043 pressing Control/Alt/Del at the same time? 68 00:03:55,083 --> 00:03:57,643 (LAUGHTER) It's cursed! 69 00:03:57,683 --> 00:03:59,083 Cursed. 70 00:04:02,043 --> 00:04:05,003 No, I've had a couple of years, Hackney, I have. 71 00:04:05,043 --> 00:04:08,683 Yeah. My dog died. Bev, my beloved Irish setter, Bev, died. 72 00:04:08,723 --> 00:04:10,363 AUDIENCE: Aw! 73 00:04:10,403 --> 00:04:13,283 I'll never forget it, May the 8th, I'll never forget it. 74 00:04:13,322 --> 00:04:17,322 There's some Londoners here. Any Londoners in?AUDIENCE: Yes! 75 00:04:18,283 --> 00:04:20,883 Do you remember it was May last year 76 00:04:20,923 --> 00:04:22,723 when that salmonella attack happened? 77 00:04:22,763 --> 00:04:25,763 I got salmonella the same day as my dog died. 78 00:04:25,803 --> 00:04:29,243 Worst day of my life. Salmonella and had to put Bev down. 79 00:04:29,283 --> 00:04:31,163 Honestly, it was awful. 80 00:04:31,202 --> 00:04:33,283 I rang up my mum, I said, "Bev's gone." 81 00:04:33,323 --> 00:04:35,323 I said, "I just don't feel good." 82 00:04:35,363 --> 00:04:38,483 She said, "You're grieving. People grieve in different ways." 83 00:04:38,523 --> 00:04:40,563 I said, "What? By shitting yourself?" 84 00:04:40,603 --> 00:04:42,483 (LAUGHTER) 85 00:04:45,243 --> 00:04:47,123 (MIMICS FARTING) 86 00:04:47,163 --> 00:04:49,563 I remember when the Queen died, I had to wear a nappy. 87 00:04:49,603 --> 00:04:51,603 (LAUGHTER) 88 00:04:56,163 --> 00:04:57,963 Do we have any Germans in? 89 00:04:58,003 --> 00:05:00,643 Good. Listen, no. No! (LAUGHTER) 90 00:05:00,683 --> 00:05:03,003 Hear me out. Hear me out. 91 00:05:03,043 --> 00:05:04,683 (LAUGHTER) 92 00:05:04,723 --> 00:05:06,843 No. I've got a German friend 93 00:05:06,883 --> 00:05:08,763 who I love very dearly, 94 00:05:08,803 --> 00:05:10,683 but they're too blunt. Aren't they blunt?Yes! 95 00:05:10,723 --> 00:05:12,483 They are blunt, ain't they? 96 00:05:12,523 --> 00:05:14,963 Bev died, and you know I've got two Irish setters? 97 00:05:15,003 --> 00:05:18,003 The first one died, and he said to me, no lie, 98 00:05:18,043 --> 00:05:21,723 "Vy don't you put ze other one down as well?" 99 00:05:21,763 --> 00:05:23,283 (LAUGHTER) 100 00:05:28,523 --> 00:05:30,723 "So she von't be sad." 101 00:05:30,763 --> 00:05:32,523 (LAUGHTER) 102 00:05:32,563 --> 00:05:35,083 The dog in the box went, "What the fuck?" Honestly. 103 00:05:38,643 --> 00:05:41,323 Why don't we just have one big suicide pact and get it all over? 104 00:05:41,363 --> 00:05:43,363 Come on! Let's all kill ourselves. 105 00:05:43,403 --> 00:05:45,763 Come on, dogs, we're off to Dignitas. Walkies! 106 00:05:45,803 --> 00:05:47,563 Come on. 107 00:05:53,283 --> 00:05:55,123 Yeah, my marriage collapsed. 108 00:05:55,163 --> 00:05:57,243 He was an alcoholic, drunk drove. 109 00:05:58,243 --> 00:06:01,403 Ended up in prison. Did you know that? 110 00:06:01,443 --> 00:06:03,243 I had a prison husband. 111 00:06:03,283 --> 00:06:04,803 (LAUGHTER) 112 00:06:04,843 --> 00:06:06,963 Prison husband. Loved it. Fucking loved it. 113 00:06:07,003 --> 00:06:08,363 (LAUGHTER) 114 00:06:08,403 --> 00:06:11,283 For the first time in my life I had street cred, I had an edge. 115 00:06:11,323 --> 00:06:13,603 (LAUGHTER) 116 00:06:13,643 --> 00:06:15,723 The kids in the street were, like, "Oi, bender!" 117 00:06:15,763 --> 00:06:19,003 I'm like, "Zip it, my husband's inside. I'll cut you." 118 00:06:19,043 --> 00:06:21,523 (LAUGHTER) 119 00:06:32,003 --> 00:06:36,603 He wanted me to visit him in prison. No way. Visit him in prison? No. 120 00:06:36,643 --> 00:06:38,363 I've seen those prison movies. 121 00:06:38,403 --> 00:06:41,403 I was watching Silence Of The Lambs the other night. 122 00:06:41,443 --> 00:06:44,883 Say I walk down that corridor and someone throws jizz in my hair. 123 00:06:44,923 --> 00:06:46,923 (LAUGHTER) 124 00:06:52,603 --> 00:06:55,763 The thing is, I don't normally talk about my relationship 125 00:06:55,803 --> 00:06:59,283 cos when me and Paul got married, we got stitched up by a journalist. 126 00:06:59,323 --> 00:07:01,203 They said to me, "Why did you get married?" 127 00:07:01,243 --> 00:07:05,603 And it's my own fault, Hackney, I tried to be woke. I tried to be woke. 128 00:07:05,643 --> 00:07:09,323 I said, "Listen, you've got anti-LGBT propaganda in Russia, 129 00:07:09,363 --> 00:07:12,523 "you've got Chechnya putting gays in concentration camps, 130 00:07:12,563 --> 00:07:15,043 "you've got Islamic State throwing gays off buildings." 131 00:07:15,083 --> 00:07:18,523 "Today, I'm choosing love over hate." 132 00:07:18,563 --> 00:07:20,563 (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) 133 00:07:25,723 --> 00:07:27,643 Did you see the headline in the paper? 134 00:07:27,683 --> 00:07:30,443 "Alan Carr - ISIS got me down the aisle." 135 00:07:30,483 --> 00:07:32,483 (LAUGHTER) 136 00:07:35,003 --> 00:07:37,043 That's not what I said. I didn't say it. 137 00:07:37,083 --> 00:07:38,803 They twisted it. 138 00:07:38,843 --> 00:07:40,763 They twisted it. 139 00:07:40,803 --> 00:07:44,243 But don't you think the world's getting a little bit nastier? 140 00:07:44,283 --> 00:07:47,843 Look at those people campaigning outside those schools in London 141 00:07:47,883 --> 00:07:50,923 and Birmingham cos teaching LGBT issues is going on. 142 00:07:50,963 --> 00:07:53,603 There's nothing sordid or sinister going on, is there? 143 00:07:53,643 --> 00:07:56,163 It's about love and tolerance. 144 00:07:57,323 --> 00:07:59,323 They're making out all dirty stuff's going on. 145 00:07:59,363 --> 00:08:01,003 Like, the kids come home from school: 146 00:08:01,043 --> 00:08:03,563 "What have you got tomorrow, Jimmy?" "Double bumming." 147 00:08:03,603 --> 00:08:05,603 (LAUGHTER) 148 00:08:12,403 --> 00:08:14,523 Being gay isn't catching, is it? 149 00:08:14,563 --> 00:08:17,203 If you became who you hung around with at school, 150 00:08:17,243 --> 00:08:19,243 I'd be a fucking dinner lady! 151 00:08:19,283 --> 00:08:21,283 (LAUGHTER) 152 00:08:21,323 --> 00:08:23,323 (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) 153 00:08:27,723 --> 00:08:31,563 I can't stand people getting bullied, cos I was bullied at school. 154 00:08:31,602 --> 00:08:33,563 I won't stand for it. I won't, Hackney. 155 00:08:33,602 --> 00:08:35,722 And I got bullied when I got my first job. 156 00:08:35,763 --> 00:08:40,082 I got bullied then. Every day for two months I got homophobic abuse 157 00:08:40,123 --> 00:08:43,243 simply for the fact I was annoying and quite predatory. 158 00:08:43,283 --> 00:08:45,283 (LAUGHTER) 159 00:08:56,203 --> 00:08:57,963 But, listen, you know, listen, 160 00:08:58,003 --> 00:09:00,323 I know we can moan about the divorce and everything. 161 00:09:00,363 --> 00:09:03,083 But we were happy in the early days. We were in love. 162 00:09:03,123 --> 00:09:05,563 You know when you're young and in love, it happens, don't it? 163 00:09:05,603 --> 00:09:08,443 You know, and I sometimes think back to the gold old days, 164 00:09:08,483 --> 00:09:10,323 you know, he asked me to marry him 165 00:09:10,363 --> 00:09:14,083 on the beautiful island of Lombok in Indonesia. 166 00:09:14,123 --> 00:09:16,283 Where homosexuality's illegal, 167 00:09:16,323 --> 00:09:18,523 and you get the death penalty, the fucking idiot. 168 00:09:18,563 --> 00:09:20,563 (LAUGHTER) 169 00:09:22,003 --> 00:09:25,923 I could have killed him. He got on one knee in this crowded market. 170 00:09:25,963 --> 00:09:28,403 "Will you marry me?" "Shut the fuck up or we're gonna die." 171 00:09:28,443 --> 00:09:30,443 (LAUGHTER) 172 00:09:34,203 --> 00:09:36,003 You have a gay wedding over there, 173 00:09:36,043 --> 00:09:38,323 the confetti's rocks. You know what I mean? 174 00:09:38,363 --> 00:09:41,163 (LAUGHTER) 175 00:09:41,203 --> 00:09:44,803 They only gave us a double room cos they thought he was my carer. 176 00:09:44,843 --> 00:09:46,843 (LAUGHTER) 177 00:09:50,923 --> 00:09:54,443 He said, "I don't like a drama on holiday. I don't like a drama." 178 00:09:54,483 --> 00:09:56,523 Paul liked a drama, I didn't. 179 00:09:56,563 --> 00:09:58,403 We left Jakarta Airport. 180 00:09:58,443 --> 00:10:01,323 I don't know if you've been there, but it's one of those scary airports. 181 00:10:01,363 --> 00:10:05,523 People walking round with machine guns and sticks, and all like that. 182 00:10:05,563 --> 00:10:08,603 And everyone stands there scowling at you. 183 00:10:08,643 --> 00:10:11,123 The only way I can describe how they stare at you is, 184 00:10:11,163 --> 00:10:13,403 you know those pensioners who stand behind Fiona Bruce 185 00:10:13,443 --> 00:10:15,083 on Antiques Roadshow? 186 00:10:15,123 --> 00:10:17,283 (LAUGHTER) 187 00:10:26,523 --> 00:10:28,523 (MOUTHS) 188 00:10:34,123 --> 00:10:37,123 I went through Passport Control. He said, "What's your name?" 189 00:10:37,163 --> 00:10:39,283 I said, "Alan Carr." 190 00:10:39,323 --> 00:10:40,963 He said, "What do you do in England?" 191 00:10:41,003 --> 00:10:43,883 I thought, "What's Indonesian for National Treasure?" 192 00:10:43,923 --> 00:10:45,443 (LAUGHTER) 193 00:10:45,483 --> 00:10:47,483 (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) 194 00:10:52,963 --> 00:10:56,163 Is it a joke or is it the truth? I don't know. 195 00:10:56,203 --> 00:10:58,283 I don't know anymore. 196 00:10:58,323 --> 00:11:01,043 I don't know anymore. (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) 197 00:11:02,603 --> 00:11:04,323 I suppose I am. 198 00:11:04,363 --> 00:11:08,363 Now you're taking the piss. Listen, listen! 199 00:11:08,403 --> 00:11:10,443 Fuck! Shut up! 200 00:11:10,483 --> 00:11:12,403 (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) 201 00:11:14,683 --> 00:11:17,723 You're only doing it cos we're filming. 202 00:11:17,763 --> 00:11:20,523 (LAUGHTER) 203 00:11:21,483 --> 00:11:23,563 You see, we were very similar but very different. 204 00:11:23,603 --> 00:11:26,123 I would have a mooch round a museum and a gallery. 205 00:11:26,163 --> 00:11:29,403 He didn't like any of that. I tried to get him involved in things. 206 00:11:29,443 --> 00:11:32,723 Where we lived in London, when we lived together, it was near the Crossrail. 207 00:11:32,763 --> 00:11:36,043 I don't know if you know, but they dug up that Roman graveyard. 208 00:11:36,083 --> 00:11:38,443 And I tried to get, like, Paul interested in it. 209 00:11:38,483 --> 00:11:40,643 I said, "Oh, Paul. You know, near the Crossrail, 210 00:11:40,683 --> 00:11:43,443 "they found the body of a female gladiator." 211 00:11:43,483 --> 00:11:45,243 He said, "Who? Jet?" 212 00:11:45,283 --> 00:11:47,163 Jet. (LAUGHTER) 213 00:11:51,043 --> 00:11:53,603 Yeah, Wolf dug her up. What the...? 214 00:11:53,643 --> 00:11:55,643 (LAUGHTER) 215 00:11:57,323 --> 00:12:00,323 He only had one love and that was Whitney Houston. 216 00:12:00,363 --> 00:12:03,643 Now, Whitney Houston, one of the best singers in the world. 217 00:12:04,923 --> 00:12:06,763 But I would lie to him. I would tell him 218 00:12:06,803 --> 00:12:09,283 that Whitney Houston had been to certain cultural places, 219 00:12:09,323 --> 00:12:11,203 just to get him to go. 220 00:12:11,243 --> 00:12:13,443 I'm not proud of it. I'm not proud of it. 221 00:12:14,483 --> 00:12:16,643 The only reason I got him into Anne Frank's house was, 222 00:12:16,683 --> 00:12:19,363 I told they filmed a bit of The Bodyguard there. 223 00:12:19,403 --> 00:12:22,323 (LAUGHTER) 224 00:12:22,363 --> 00:12:24,643 And this is how much I was in love. 225 00:12:24,683 --> 00:12:28,443 We went to the Whitney Houston Hologram Tour. 226 00:12:28,483 --> 00:12:32,643 Now, did you see the reviews of the Whitney Houston Hologram Tour? 227 00:12:32,683 --> 00:12:37,203 Now, I love you so much, you have supported me through the years, 228 00:12:37,243 --> 00:12:40,163 but some of you do not know what a hologram is. 229 00:12:40,203 --> 00:12:42,883 You really don't. Did you see the reviews? 230 00:12:42,923 --> 00:12:47,163 One woman said, "Whitney didn't have much banter." 231 00:12:47,203 --> 00:12:50,003 (LAUGHTER) 232 00:12:50,043 --> 00:12:52,563 That is one of the side effects of death. 233 00:12:52,603 --> 00:12:54,803 You don't really have much to say. 234 00:12:54,843 --> 00:12:57,643 (LAUGHTER) 235 00:12:57,683 --> 00:13:00,843 One woman complained that Whitney never waved back at her. 236 00:13:00,883 --> 00:13:03,043 Fucking hell. 237 00:13:03,083 --> 00:13:05,403 That's not waving, that's the buffering, madam. 238 00:13:12,323 --> 00:13:15,603 So, Paul asked me to marry him. I said yes. 239 00:13:15,643 --> 00:13:17,443 AUDIENCE: Whoo! 240 00:13:17,483 --> 00:13:20,603 But all my insecurities came out. Why does he fancy me? 241 00:13:20,643 --> 00:13:24,323 No-one fancies camp people, do they? No-one. 242 00:13:24,363 --> 00:13:26,283 No. No, you're right. 243 00:13:26,323 --> 00:13:28,163 Not even a sympathetic no. 244 00:13:29,723 --> 00:13:32,123 When I came out of there, not one of you were thinking, 245 00:13:32,163 --> 00:13:34,963 "Phwoar, wouldn't mind hanging out the back of that." 246 00:13:35,003 --> 00:13:37,123 (LAUGHTER) 247 00:13:37,163 --> 00:13:39,203 Not even you and you look desperate. 248 00:13:39,243 --> 00:13:41,603 (LAUGHTER) 249 00:13:47,363 --> 00:13:50,123 I hate being camp. It's crap being camp. 250 00:13:50,163 --> 00:13:52,203 Do you know what it's like to walk down the street, 251 00:13:52,243 --> 00:13:54,523 and every time you turn round your shadow's a teapot? 252 00:13:54,563 --> 00:13:56,563 (LAUGHTER) 253 00:14:03,363 --> 00:14:06,243 I started organising the wedding. I said no to a wedding list. 254 00:14:06,283 --> 00:14:09,043 People get greedy with a wedding list, don't they, Hackney? 255 00:14:09,083 --> 00:14:12,603 They want the Earth, don't they? Fiona and Roy want a grand piano. 256 00:14:13,763 --> 00:14:16,283 Fiona and Roy live in a caravan and need to prioritise. 257 00:14:16,323 --> 00:14:18,443 (LAUGHTER) 258 00:14:18,483 --> 00:14:20,643 Some of the shit you get sent when you're getting married. 259 00:14:20,683 --> 00:14:23,483 What arsehole sends glitter in cards? 260 00:14:23,523 --> 00:14:26,443 Why would you send a card filled with glitter? Why would you do that? 261 00:14:27,523 --> 00:14:29,843 Fiona and Roy sent you a card. Pfft! 262 00:14:30,763 --> 00:14:32,803 Glitter, everywhere. 263 00:14:32,843 --> 00:14:35,163 What will you be doing on your big day? 264 00:14:35,203 --> 00:14:36,683 Hoovering! 265 00:14:37,723 --> 00:14:40,163 Hoovering up this gay asbestos. 266 00:14:40,203 --> 00:14:42,203 (LAUGHTER) 267 00:14:44,883 --> 00:14:47,363 It's all over my fucking house. 268 00:14:47,403 --> 00:14:51,323 It's on the ceiling, it's behind my contact lens. 269 00:14:51,363 --> 00:14:53,163 The dogs are licking it up. 270 00:14:53,203 --> 00:14:55,683 I'm walking round the park, they're shitting out disco balls. 271 00:14:55,723 --> 00:14:57,723 (LAUGHTER) 272 00:15:00,323 --> 00:15:02,683 Do you wanna know the worst wedding gift I got? 273 00:15:02,723 --> 00:15:04,563 Do you wanna know the worst one? Yes! 274 00:15:04,603 --> 00:15:07,363 Money-off voucher for a hair transplant. 275 00:15:07,403 --> 00:15:09,403 (LAUGHTER) 276 00:15:09,443 --> 00:15:12,363 Money off. Not even the full wig. Money off. 277 00:15:12,403 --> 00:15:14,203 (LAUGHTER) 278 00:15:14,243 --> 00:15:17,643 My friend said to me, "You get some great hair transplants these days." 279 00:15:17,683 --> 00:15:20,123 You get some shocking ones as well, don't you? 280 00:15:20,163 --> 00:15:22,963 I was in Turkey. This man's hair transplant, 281 00:15:23,003 --> 00:15:25,003 it looked like he'd put Pritt Stick on his head 282 00:15:25,043 --> 00:15:27,603 and did a forward roll through a cattery. 283 00:15:27,643 --> 00:15:29,643 (LAUGHTER) 284 00:15:35,083 --> 00:15:38,923 Just give me flowers, chocolates. Someone got me an orchid. 285 00:15:38,963 --> 00:15:43,083 I'm very busy, I don't have time. Do you have time for an orchid? 286 00:15:43,123 --> 00:15:46,403 I don't want an orchid in the house judging all my other plants. 287 00:15:46,443 --> 00:15:48,443 (LAUGHTER) 288 00:15:52,563 --> 00:15:54,763 They're so flaky as well, ain't they? 289 00:15:54,803 --> 00:15:57,723 The orchid turned up. Ding dong. I was, like, "Ooh." 290 00:15:59,163 --> 00:16:00,843 Got the orchid. 291 00:16:00,883 --> 00:16:03,683 Put the orchid on the shelf, stepped away from the orchid. 292 00:16:03,723 --> 00:16:05,883 The orchid fell off. 293 00:16:05,923 --> 00:16:09,563 I've now got a pot in my window with two sticks, going like that. 294 00:16:09,603 --> 00:16:12,283 (LAUGHTER) 295 00:16:12,323 --> 00:16:14,603 But can I be honest with you, Hackney? 296 00:16:14,643 --> 00:16:18,323 I don't think people really cared about my wedding. I don't. 297 00:16:18,363 --> 00:16:20,283 That's I how feel. That's I how feel. 298 00:16:20,323 --> 00:16:24,043 I've come to the conclusion no-one gives a shit about us gays no more. 299 00:16:24,083 --> 00:16:26,843 AUDIENCE: Aw! Nah! No! 300 00:16:26,883 --> 00:16:29,043 We're bottom of the fucking pile now. 301 00:16:30,083 --> 00:16:33,283 Pansexual, asexual, we're at the fucking bottom. 302 00:16:33,323 --> 00:16:35,083 (CHEERING) 303 00:16:35,123 --> 00:16:37,123 We used to be like exotic birds. 304 00:16:37,163 --> 00:16:39,043 (LAUGHTER) 305 00:16:39,083 --> 00:16:42,283 People used to bring us out at parties like Ferrero Rocher. 306 00:16:42,323 --> 00:16:44,323 (LAUGHTER) 307 00:16:45,523 --> 00:16:48,483 (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) 308 00:16:51,083 --> 00:16:53,723 You'd turn up at a party, "Release the gay!" 309 00:16:53,763 --> 00:16:55,763 (RAUCOUS LAUGHTER) 310 00:17:03,483 --> 00:17:05,523 Isn't it wonderful, though, 311 00:17:05,563 --> 00:17:07,683 that you can be whoever you wanna be these days? 312 00:17:07,723 --> 00:17:10,843 Ain't it wonderful? (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) 313 00:17:10,882 --> 00:17:13,083 I was non-binary once. I was. 314 00:17:13,122 --> 00:17:15,923 I'll never forget it, it was a Tuesday. 315 00:17:15,963 --> 00:17:18,362 (LAUGHTER) 316 00:17:18,402 --> 00:17:21,162 I used to love motorboating. Do you remember motorboating? 317 00:17:21,203 --> 00:17:24,003 Yay, lads, do you remember that? 318 00:17:24,043 --> 00:17:27,123 Motorboating, yeah! 319 00:17:27,163 --> 00:17:29,923 You stick your head in the breasts and go brrr! Do you remember that? 320 00:17:29,963 --> 00:17:31,963 Brrr! 321 00:17:32,003 --> 00:17:34,123 Motorboating. Yeah. 322 00:17:34,163 --> 00:17:36,283 And I used to do it in the '90s when it was dangerous, 323 00:17:36,323 --> 00:17:37,843 cos people had piercings. 324 00:17:37,883 --> 00:17:40,003 Yeah. Dangerous. Brrr. 325 00:17:40,043 --> 00:17:41,763 Yeah. Dangerous. 326 00:17:41,803 --> 00:17:43,763 That's how Gabriel lost her eye. 327 00:17:43,803 --> 00:17:45,723 (LAUGHTER) 328 00:17:45,763 --> 00:17:49,003 True story. True story. (LAUGHTER) 329 00:17:49,043 --> 00:17:51,243 Well, we got married in America. 330 00:17:51,283 --> 00:17:53,003 AUDIENCE: Ooh! 331 00:17:53,043 --> 00:17:55,043 Yeah, when Trump was President. 332 00:17:55,083 --> 00:17:57,123 AUDIENCE: Boo! I know! 333 00:17:57,163 --> 00:17:59,283 I know! People had a go at me. 334 00:17:59,323 --> 00:18:01,843 "I can't believe you're getting married in Trump's America. 335 00:18:01,883 --> 00:18:04,683 "Shame on you." I said, "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa." 336 00:18:04,723 --> 00:18:06,443 I said, "If you didn't go to a country 337 00:18:06,483 --> 00:18:08,203 "cos there was an arsehole as leader, 338 00:18:08,243 --> 00:18:11,563 "you wouldn't leave the house." Am I right? Am I right? 339 00:18:11,603 --> 00:18:14,163 AUDIENCE: Yes! What about that arsehole, Putin? 340 00:18:14,203 --> 00:18:15,603 AUDIENCE: Boo! 341 00:18:15,643 --> 00:18:18,883 What about that one in Korea. What's he called? Kim Dung Un. Him. 342 00:18:18,923 --> 00:18:20,963 What about him? (LAUGHTER) 343 00:18:21,003 --> 00:18:24,203 Who's that one in Syria, looks like Postman Pat? Assad. 344 00:18:24,243 --> 00:18:25,963 Arsehole. 345 00:18:26,003 --> 00:18:27,683 (LAUGHTER) 346 00:18:31,683 --> 00:18:34,163 I love America. I love America! 347 00:18:34,203 --> 00:18:36,123 AUDIENCE: Whoo! I love America. 348 00:18:36,163 --> 00:18:37,963 It's so slimming! 349 00:18:38,003 --> 00:18:39,203 (LAUGHTER) 350 00:18:42,523 --> 00:18:45,563 Especially when you stand next to those fat fuckers. Honestly. 351 00:18:45,603 --> 00:18:47,603 (LAUGHTER) 352 00:18:53,003 --> 00:18:55,443 (AUDIENCE MEMBER WOLF WHISTLES) Thank you. 353 00:18:55,483 --> 00:18:57,883 Travelodge, room 242, bring a friend. 354 00:18:57,923 --> 00:19:00,763 (LAUGHTER) 355 00:19:00,803 --> 00:19:04,563 The customer service is better in America, innit? 356 00:19:04,603 --> 00:19:07,243 It is. Whatever you say, it is better, honestly. 357 00:19:07,283 --> 00:19:09,123 And can I be honest with you? 358 00:19:09,163 --> 00:19:12,443 I had, like, a really bad experience late-night shopping at a Sainsbury's 359 00:19:12,483 --> 00:19:14,323 and I'll tell you about it. 360 00:19:14,363 --> 00:19:16,203 It's my own fault, I went at that weird time, 361 00:19:16,243 --> 00:19:18,603 you know, 9:15, 9:20 at night. 362 00:19:18,643 --> 00:19:21,643 When the normal staff go home, there's a lighting change, 363 00:19:21,683 --> 00:19:24,003 and those people in the tracksuits come out. 364 00:19:24,043 --> 00:19:25,683 Rarrr! 365 00:19:25,723 --> 00:19:27,643 (LAUGHTER) 366 00:19:27,683 --> 00:19:29,003 Rarrr! 367 00:19:31,843 --> 00:19:33,723 Rarrr! 368 00:19:35,043 --> 00:19:38,123 (LAUGHTER) 369 00:19:38,163 --> 00:19:40,843 And they've always got a cage, ain't they? Got a fucking cage. 370 00:19:40,883 --> 00:19:42,683 Rarrr! 371 00:19:42,723 --> 00:19:44,763 (LAUGHTER) 372 00:19:44,803 --> 00:19:46,723 Should you be in that cage? 373 00:19:48,323 --> 00:19:51,163 Have you escaped from the cage? Rarrr! 374 00:19:51,203 --> 00:19:53,203 (LAUGHTER) 375 00:19:57,803 --> 00:20:02,163 And, Hackney, there was one man in there doing my pet hate, honestly. 376 00:20:02,203 --> 00:20:05,483 He had his hands down his tracksuit having a rummage. 377 00:20:05,523 --> 00:20:07,523 (LAUGHTER) 378 00:20:10,843 --> 00:20:12,643 Wearing a hairnet. 379 00:20:12,683 --> 00:20:14,683 (LAUGHTER) 380 00:20:17,723 --> 00:20:20,123 I said, "Love, that cancels out that." 381 00:20:20,163 --> 00:20:21,323 (LAUGHTER) 382 00:20:21,363 --> 00:20:24,843 Heaven forbid, I get a hair in my quiche, but a pube! 383 00:20:24,883 --> 00:20:26,883 (LAUGHTER) 384 00:20:30,963 --> 00:20:33,923 But I know what you're thinking: "Oh, look at Alan on the telly, 385 00:20:33,963 --> 00:20:36,403 "punching down, punching down." 386 00:20:36,443 --> 00:20:39,923 Picking on people who work in supermarkets, but, listen. 387 00:20:39,963 --> 00:20:42,283 What happened there? I was in a trance. 388 00:20:42,323 --> 00:20:45,803 Listen... I've worked in a supermarket. 389 00:20:45,843 --> 00:20:48,683 Hands up if you've worked in a supermarket. 390 00:20:48,723 --> 00:20:51,323 What one did you work at, love? 391 00:20:51,363 --> 00:20:54,643 FEMALE AUDIENCE MEMBER: Waitrose. Waitrose? 392 00:20:54,683 --> 00:20:56,443 AUDIENCE: Ooh! 393 00:20:56,483 --> 00:20:59,123 You surprise me. I was gonna say Londis. 394 00:20:59,163 --> 00:21:02,363 No, I'm not being a bitch. I'm not being a bitch. 395 00:21:02,403 --> 00:21:04,363 Waitrose. 396 00:21:04,403 --> 00:21:07,723 Is that your lady? You've got someone from Waitrose. 397 00:21:07,763 --> 00:21:10,363 I feel like I should courtesy. 398 00:21:10,403 --> 00:21:12,683 (LAUGHTER) 399 00:21:12,723 --> 00:21:14,483 Thank you. 400 00:21:15,603 --> 00:21:18,283 I feel your pain, people who work in a supermarket. 401 00:21:18,323 --> 00:21:20,483 I've been there, I've had the crappy customers. 402 00:21:20,523 --> 00:21:24,123 I've been talked to like rubbish. I worked at Tesco, Brent Cross. 403 00:21:24,163 --> 00:21:25,643 AUDIENCE: Whoo! 404 00:21:25,683 --> 00:21:28,483 Depressing. The trolleys used to throw themselves in the canal. 405 00:21:28,523 --> 00:21:30,403 (LAUGHTER) 406 00:21:34,283 --> 00:21:38,363 So, I got married in America, by my good friend Adele. 407 00:21:38,403 --> 00:21:40,723 AUDIENCE: Whoo! 408 00:21:40,763 --> 00:21:45,123 She married us in Beverley Hills in her garden. How lovely is that? 409 00:21:45,163 --> 00:21:47,163 And as you can imagine, 410 00:21:47,203 --> 00:21:49,923 all the people round that area are Hollywood A-listers. 411 00:21:49,963 --> 00:21:52,763 And they couldn't believe we were getting married in her back garden. 412 00:21:52,803 --> 00:21:55,083 They were like, "Adele, are you crazy? 413 00:21:55,123 --> 00:21:58,483 "The paparazzi are gonna send drones over. 414 00:21:58,523 --> 00:22:02,283 "They're gonna fly over, record it and sell it all over the world." 415 00:22:02,323 --> 00:22:05,523 Me and Paul were so excited, "Oh, my God, they're gonna record it, 416 00:22:05,563 --> 00:22:07,523 "fly over it, sell it all over the world! 417 00:22:07,563 --> 00:22:09,243 "We're gonna be famous!" 418 00:22:09,283 --> 00:22:12,363 I was thinking of hiring out my bald spot for advertising space. 419 00:22:12,403 --> 00:22:14,323 (LAUGHTER) 420 00:22:14,363 --> 00:22:17,363 Do you know how many drones came over? 421 00:22:17,403 --> 00:22:19,563 None. Fucking none. 422 00:22:19,603 --> 00:22:22,243 At one point I was walking down the aisle, I saw a Frisbee. 423 00:22:22,283 --> 00:22:24,003 I was like that. 424 00:22:24,043 --> 00:22:26,043 (LAUGHTER) 425 00:22:28,363 --> 00:22:30,283 So, I didn't know what to wear for the wedding. 426 00:22:30,323 --> 00:22:32,683 So, I rang up my good friend Gok Wan. 427 00:22:32,723 --> 00:22:34,363 AUDIENCE: Whoo! 428 00:22:34,403 --> 00:22:36,923 I said, "Gok, what can I...?" Well, I could have killed him. 429 00:22:36,963 --> 00:22:38,923 He said, "Alan, wear a roll neck." 430 00:22:38,963 --> 00:22:41,003 (LAUGHTER) 431 00:22:41,043 --> 00:22:43,443 Have you seen me in a roll neck? 432 00:22:43,483 --> 00:22:46,203 I look like a fat man stuck in a hot water bottle. 433 00:22:46,243 --> 00:22:48,243 (LAUGHTER) 434 00:22:51,043 --> 00:22:53,603 And, you know, I find 'em suffocating, roll necks. Do you? 435 00:22:53,643 --> 00:22:56,723 I put it over my head, it's horrible. I stuck my head in the wrong hole. 436 00:22:56,763 --> 00:22:58,643 I looked up, I saw this circle of light. 437 00:22:58,683 --> 00:23:00,883 I saw my nan up there with Biggie and Tupac. 438 00:23:00,923 --> 00:23:02,923 (LAUGHTER) 439 00:23:06,163 --> 00:23:09,523 She said, "Come up, Alan, darling." I said, "I'm not ready yet, Nan. 440 00:23:09,563 --> 00:23:11,843 "I'm putting on a roll neck." 441 00:23:11,883 --> 00:23:13,763 (LAUGHTER) 442 00:23:13,803 --> 00:23:15,883 And I know you're not gonna like this, Hackney, 443 00:23:15,923 --> 00:23:18,803 but I didn't invite my family to the wedding. 444 00:23:18,843 --> 00:23:21,563 No! I didn't want 'em there. No! 445 00:23:22,803 --> 00:23:25,883 Whenever the Carrs get together, there's a fight or a ruck. 446 00:23:25,923 --> 00:23:29,043 I didn't want 'em there. OK, alright. 447 00:23:29,083 --> 00:23:32,363 Do you know what happened at the last Carr wedding? Shall I tell you? 448 00:23:32,403 --> 00:23:34,923 There was a fight. Someone punched my uncle in the face. 449 00:23:34,963 --> 00:23:36,763 His glass eye rolled across the floor. 450 00:23:36,803 --> 00:23:38,763 Someone accused him of up-skirting. 451 00:23:38,803 --> 00:23:41,003 (LAUGHTER) 452 00:23:41,043 --> 00:23:43,803 Gabriel took her eye out. They started playing marbles. 453 00:23:43,843 --> 00:23:45,843 (LAUGHTER) 454 00:23:51,683 --> 00:23:53,923 I didn't want to invite my family. 455 00:23:53,963 --> 00:23:55,923 And my friends let me down as well. 456 00:23:55,963 --> 00:23:58,083 Now, we're having a good time, aren't we, Hackney? 457 00:23:58,123 --> 00:23:59,843 AUDIENCE: Yes! 458 00:23:59,883 --> 00:24:01,763 And I don't wanna bring the mood down, 459 00:24:01,803 --> 00:24:04,763 but I'll tell you something. My Nan died before the wedding, yeah? 460 00:24:04,803 --> 00:24:07,843 And I know we live in a TikTok generation, 461 00:24:07,883 --> 00:24:11,003 and I know everyone's, you know, Twitter and Facebook and stuff. 462 00:24:11,043 --> 00:24:12,683 But I'm old school. 463 00:24:12,723 --> 00:24:14,643 When I tell my best friend that my nan's died, 464 00:24:14,683 --> 00:24:16,923 I want her to jump in a car, come and give me a hug. 465 00:24:16,963 --> 00:24:19,083 Do you understand that? AUDIENCE: Yes! 466 00:24:19,123 --> 00:24:21,883 I told my best friend, I said, "My nan died." 467 00:24:21,923 --> 00:24:25,243 She sent me a text with two emojis. 468 00:24:25,283 --> 00:24:28,323 When my nan died, this is my best friend, a text, 469 00:24:28,363 --> 00:24:30,163 two emojis. 470 00:24:30,203 --> 00:24:32,603 A broken heart and a ghost. 471 00:24:32,643 --> 00:24:34,643 (LAUGHTER) 472 00:24:46,483 --> 00:24:48,923 Thank you for your sympathy at this very tough time. 473 00:24:50,283 --> 00:24:52,963 I said, "Are you having a laugh? Are you having a fucking laugh?" 474 00:24:53,003 --> 00:24:56,603 Then she sends me a gif: "Busy, busy, busy." A cat on a computer. 475 00:24:56,643 --> 00:24:58,803 She could have phoned me, couldn't she? 476 00:24:58,843 --> 00:25:01,563 Finding those gifs take time, don't they? 477 00:25:01,603 --> 00:25:04,763 I once missed a train once cos I was trying to find a gif 478 00:25:04,803 --> 00:25:06,403 of a man getting on a train. 479 00:25:06,443 --> 00:25:08,363 (LAUGHTER) 480 00:25:08,403 --> 00:25:10,603 I've had it with my friends. 481 00:25:10,643 --> 00:25:13,283 My friend Scally Karen. Do you remember my friend, Scally Karen? 482 00:25:13,323 --> 00:25:15,043 AUDIENCE: Yes. Listen to this, Hackney. 483 00:25:15,083 --> 00:25:17,243 She comes round the house. "Can I use your printer?" 484 00:25:17,283 --> 00:25:19,603 I said, "Of course you can, Scally Karen." 485 00:25:19,643 --> 00:25:20,923 (LAUGHTER) 486 00:25:20,963 --> 00:25:22,803 She used the colour ink. 487 00:25:22,843 --> 00:25:25,043 AUDIENCE: Ooh! 488 00:25:25,083 --> 00:25:28,283 You don't use the colour ink round someone else's house, do you? 489 00:25:28,323 --> 00:25:30,683 It's always black and white, innit? 490 00:25:30,723 --> 00:25:32,803 And it was an EasyJet boarding pass. 491 00:25:32,843 --> 00:25:35,043 You fucking know that top bit's orange. 492 00:25:35,083 --> 00:25:37,083 (LAUGHTER) 493 00:25:39,043 --> 00:25:41,003 Why do you think there's a pack of felt-tip pens 494 00:25:41,043 --> 00:25:43,483 attached to the top of the printer? Fucking colour it in. 495 00:25:43,523 --> 00:25:45,403 (LAUGHTER) 496 00:25:45,443 --> 00:25:48,683 Save me money. That printer ink's expensive, innit? 497 00:25:48,723 --> 00:25:52,163 Why should I go in the jungle, so she can have a fucking multicoloured boarding pass? 498 00:25:52,203 --> 00:25:54,443 (LAUGHTER) 499 00:25:55,923 --> 00:25:58,363 You'd love to see me in the jungle, wouldn't you, Hackney? 500 00:25:58,403 --> 00:25:59,683 AUDIENCE: Yes! 501 00:26:01,323 --> 00:26:04,323 You'd love to see me eat crocodile cock, wouldn't you? 502 00:26:04,363 --> 00:26:05,723 AUDIENCE: Yeah! 503 00:26:05,763 --> 00:26:09,523 I am not going on that show. Never. Never. Do you know what? 504 00:26:09,563 --> 00:26:11,963 I'd rather go on Celebrity Naked Attraction. 505 00:26:12,003 --> 00:26:14,003 (CHEERING) 506 00:26:15,683 --> 00:26:19,283 Don't mention that show. Fucking Naked Attraction. Honestly. 507 00:26:19,323 --> 00:26:20,883 Ugh, it's grim. Ain't it grim? 508 00:26:20,923 --> 00:26:23,563 Even puts me off cock. (GAGS) 509 00:26:23,603 --> 00:26:25,603 (LAUGHTER) 510 00:26:32,363 --> 00:26:34,323 (GAGS) 511 00:26:34,363 --> 00:26:36,523 (LAUGHTER) 512 00:26:37,403 --> 00:26:39,243 Did you watch the last series? 513 00:26:39,283 --> 00:26:42,563 That man's knob, it was like an Allen key, did you see it? 514 00:26:42,603 --> 00:26:44,123 (LAUGHTER) 515 00:26:44,163 --> 00:26:46,923 It was like an Allen key, honestly. It followed you round the room. 516 00:26:46,963 --> 00:26:49,443 It was like an Allen key with a bend in it. Honestly. 517 00:26:49,483 --> 00:26:52,363 (LAUGHTER) 518 00:26:52,403 --> 00:26:55,163 You didn't know whether to play with it or get it tighten your futon. 519 00:26:55,203 --> 00:26:57,163 Honestly. 520 00:26:57,203 --> 00:26:59,203 (LAUGHTER) 521 00:27:09,163 --> 00:27:12,723 Cos I nearly got cancelled. I think I sort of got cancelled last year. 522 00:27:12,763 --> 00:27:14,483 I don't know if you read it. I turned up 523 00:27:14,523 --> 00:27:19,763 to this very fashionable charity event at the Royal Albert Hall. 524 00:27:19,803 --> 00:27:21,363 AUDIENCE: Ooh! 525 00:27:21,403 --> 00:27:23,163 Idris Elba was there. 526 00:27:23,203 --> 00:27:26,283 Tom Hardy, Channing Tatum, Bradley Cooper. 527 00:27:27,323 --> 00:27:30,483 Basically, I was getting an erection for charity. 528 00:27:30,523 --> 00:27:32,483 (LAUGHTER) 529 00:27:32,523 --> 00:27:36,163 And this woman came up to me, started talking about global warming. 530 00:27:36,203 --> 00:27:38,563 She went, "Will you wear this badge?" I popped the badge on, 531 00:27:38,603 --> 00:27:40,483 I went on stage, I got photographed. 532 00:27:40,523 --> 00:27:42,963 It was an Extinction Rebellion badge. 533 00:27:44,163 --> 00:27:45,843 I was called Tory scum, 534 00:27:45,883 --> 00:27:48,643 loonie leftie, soap dodger. 535 00:27:48,683 --> 00:27:52,963 My mum rings up, "Alan, Alan, it says in the paper you're an anarchist. 536 00:27:53,003 --> 00:27:56,843 "You're wearing a badge!" I said, "Mum, when I worked at Tesco I wore a badge, 'Happy To Help.' 537 00:27:56,883 --> 00:27:59,003 "I wasn't and I didn't." 538 00:27:59,043 --> 00:28:01,603 (LAUGHTER) 539 00:28:03,323 --> 00:28:05,083 It's a bloody badge. 540 00:28:05,123 --> 00:28:06,803 And I'm trying my best. 541 00:28:06,843 --> 00:28:09,443 I was the first person to get an electric car in my street. 542 00:28:09,483 --> 00:28:11,563 I got myself an electric car. 543 00:28:11,603 --> 00:28:13,323 Anyone here got electric car? 544 00:28:13,363 --> 00:28:16,443 97 miles range. 545 00:28:16,483 --> 00:28:18,123 That's what I got. 546 00:28:18,163 --> 00:28:22,803 Honestly, it was so shit, I daren't flash the lights or anything. 547 00:28:22,843 --> 00:28:24,363 (LAUGHTER) 548 00:28:24,403 --> 00:28:27,603 It's taken the fun out of dogging, I can tell you that for nothing. 549 00:28:28,723 --> 00:28:31,563 I've had to go old school and just wave a saveloy out the window. 550 00:28:31,603 --> 00:28:33,363 Come and get it, boys! 551 00:28:34,883 --> 00:28:36,763 Come and get it, boys! 552 00:28:36,803 --> 00:28:38,323 (LAUGHTER) 553 00:28:38,363 --> 00:28:40,083 The car broke down. 554 00:28:40,123 --> 00:28:43,363 I rang up the garage. The man said, "Oh, well, 555 00:28:43,403 --> 00:28:45,643 "you have been driving it at night." 556 00:28:45,683 --> 00:28:49,363 I was like, "Sorry, yeah, the two tea lights I'd Sellotaped to the bonnet 557 00:28:49,403 --> 00:28:52,483 "blew out as I went round the corner." 558 00:28:52,523 --> 00:28:54,523 (LAUGHTER) 559 00:28:57,603 --> 00:29:01,203 Extinction Rebellion, they want us to live in a world without planes. 560 00:29:01,243 --> 00:29:02,843 I mean, please. 561 00:29:02,883 --> 00:29:05,763 Red Arrows are gonna look shit, ain't they? 562 00:29:05,803 --> 00:29:08,723 12 grown men with ponytails running round a field. 563 00:29:08,763 --> 00:29:10,763 (LAUGHTER) 564 00:29:12,803 --> 00:29:14,763 Coloured smoke coming out their arse. 565 00:29:14,803 --> 00:29:16,803 (LAUGHTER) 566 00:29:18,683 --> 00:29:20,803 AUDIENCE MEMBER: Whoo! Thank you. 567 00:29:20,843 --> 00:29:23,923 Listen, I need to bloody fly cos of my work. 568 00:29:23,963 --> 00:29:26,043 I do the Italian job with Amanda Holden. 569 00:29:26,083 --> 00:29:27,963 I've talked about that. (CHEERING) 570 00:29:28,003 --> 00:29:29,843 Did you see A League of Their Own? 571 00:29:29,883 --> 00:29:31,923 I do those road trips. 572 00:29:31,963 --> 00:29:34,763 I also do Ru Paul's Drag Race. Do you watch that? 573 00:29:34,803 --> 00:29:37,603 AUDIENCE: Whoo! 574 00:29:37,643 --> 00:29:39,323 If you've seen my stand-up before, 575 00:29:39,363 --> 00:29:42,163 you know me and my dad often haven't seen eye to eye, yeah? 576 00:29:42,203 --> 00:29:45,043 But now he's got older, he's my biggest fan 577 00:29:45,083 --> 00:29:46,803 and he watches everything. 578 00:29:46,843 --> 00:29:48,963 Oh, it's so sweet. No, it is really sweet. 579 00:29:49,003 --> 00:29:51,123 My mum rang up, she was killing herself laughing. 580 00:29:51,163 --> 00:29:52,883 He came in the kitchen and went, 581 00:29:52,923 --> 00:29:56,763 "I'm gonna watch that Ru Paul's Drag Race that Alan's on." 582 00:29:57,883 --> 00:30:01,483 "I'm gonna support him. I'm gonna watch Ru Paul's Drag Race." 583 00:30:01,523 --> 00:30:04,803 She said he went out, he came back in five minutes later 584 00:30:04,843 --> 00:30:07,683 white as a sheet, channelling the Churchill dog. 585 00:30:07,723 --> 00:30:10,083 "Oh, no, no, no." 586 00:30:10,123 --> 00:30:12,083 (LAUGHTER) 587 00:30:14,203 --> 00:30:17,683 "Oh, no, no, no, no. 588 00:30:17,723 --> 00:30:20,443 "There's a man wearing leggings. No way, no, no, no. 589 00:30:20,483 --> 00:30:22,683 "Not this thing. No." 590 00:30:24,483 --> 00:30:27,243 So, let's get back to my wedding. As a surprise... 591 00:30:27,283 --> 00:30:31,083 Listen, no, I'm getting back to my wedding. As a surprise, 592 00:30:31,123 --> 00:30:35,323 Adele flew us to Vegas to see Celine Dion perform at Caesar's Palace. 593 00:30:35,363 --> 00:30:37,763 AUDIENCE: Whoo! How amazing is that? 594 00:30:37,803 --> 00:30:40,643 Oh, my God, oh my God. So excited. 595 00:30:40,683 --> 00:30:42,803 We get there, and I was a bit pissed off 596 00:30:42,843 --> 00:30:44,563 because you know when you eat 597 00:30:44,603 --> 00:30:46,883 and drink all day on your wedding day, and all that. 598 00:30:46,923 --> 00:30:49,323 My suit was a bit tight, and I was a bit pissed off 599 00:30:49,363 --> 00:30:53,043 because in the run-up to the wedding I'd cut out sugar, fat, alcohol. 600 00:30:53,083 --> 00:30:55,603 I even cut the yellow bits out of Frazzles. 601 00:30:55,643 --> 00:30:57,643 (LAUGHTER) 602 00:31:01,883 --> 00:31:04,163 So I needed to get out of this suit. 603 00:31:04,203 --> 00:31:08,323 Like a mirage, I see the Celine Dion merchandise stall. 604 00:31:08,363 --> 00:31:10,643 Oh, my god. So I run over there. I get my suit off. 605 00:31:10,683 --> 00:31:14,163 I get my Celine Dion leggings, Celine Dion t-shirt, Celine Dion hoodie. 606 00:31:14,203 --> 00:31:16,603 Oh. (LAUGHTER) 607 00:31:16,643 --> 00:31:18,843 And my Celine Dion cap. 608 00:31:18,883 --> 00:31:21,883 I look shit. (LAUGHTER) 609 00:31:21,923 --> 00:31:24,203 So, we're walking along, Adele's got the tickets. 610 00:31:24,243 --> 00:31:26,003 She's, like, "Come on, boys, come on." 611 00:31:26,043 --> 00:31:28,043 # Ah, ah, ah, ah-ah-ah,ah-ah... # 612 00:31:29,643 --> 00:31:31,643 (LAUGHTER) 613 00:31:33,643 --> 00:31:37,163 And instead of going left, she goes right through these double doors. 614 00:31:37,203 --> 00:31:40,403 We go in there, bang, the doors slam behind us. 615 00:31:40,443 --> 00:31:45,803 Four feet away, slowly rotating on a Lazy Susan is Celine Dion herself. 616 00:31:45,843 --> 00:31:48,683 AUDIENCE: Whoo! 617 00:31:49,603 --> 00:31:51,883 (BADLY MIMICS CELINE DION): "Congratulations, Paul. 618 00:31:51,923 --> 00:31:54,643 "I believe congratulations are in order." 619 00:31:54,683 --> 00:31:56,923 (LAUGHTER) 620 00:31:56,963 --> 00:31:59,443 "Congratulations Alan and Paul. Welcome to Vegas." 621 00:31:59,483 --> 00:32:01,483 (LAUGHTER) 622 00:32:01,523 --> 00:32:04,363 Didn't know she was Chinese, did you? No! Listen, no! 623 00:32:04,403 --> 00:32:06,203 No! 624 00:32:06,243 --> 00:32:07,803 She's very nasal. 625 00:32:07,843 --> 00:32:10,283 Very nasal. Lovely woman, very nasal. 626 00:32:11,323 --> 00:32:13,003 And I know she's not well at the minute, 627 00:32:13,043 --> 00:32:14,843 so should we send her some love? 628 00:32:14,883 --> 00:32:16,643 AUDIENCE: Yeah! 629 00:32:16,683 --> 00:32:20,163 I am the biggest Celine Dion fan, honestly. 630 00:32:20,203 --> 00:32:25,083 Can you imagine? I'm there, Adele, Celine Dion and me. Three icons. 631 00:32:25,123 --> 00:32:26,843 (LAUGHTER) 632 00:32:26,883 --> 00:32:28,763 (AUDIENCE APPLAUDS) 633 00:32:28,803 --> 00:32:31,363 Oh, shut up, shut up, you are taking the fucking piss. 634 00:32:31,403 --> 00:32:33,403 Now, you shut up now. 635 00:32:34,443 --> 00:32:36,923 I don't know what you're like when you're nervous 636 00:32:36,963 --> 00:32:39,963 or when you meet someone who, like, you absolutely adore. 637 00:32:40,003 --> 00:32:43,763 I have this weird thing where I start copying people's accents. 638 00:32:44,923 --> 00:32:46,923 Well, you'll know where this is going, 639 00:32:46,963 --> 00:32:49,003 but it didn't make it any less embarrassing. 640 00:32:49,043 --> 00:32:51,123 Honestly. I was there. 641 00:32:51,163 --> 00:32:55,203 (NASALLY): She says, "Oh, who asked who out? 642 00:32:55,243 --> 00:32:57,203 "Paul, did you ask Alan? 643 00:32:57,243 --> 00:33:00,403 "Or, Alan, did you ask Paul?" 644 00:33:00,443 --> 00:33:02,163 (LAUGHTER) 645 00:33:02,203 --> 00:33:04,563 (NASALLY): I said, "I was me, Celine." 646 00:33:04,603 --> 00:33:06,603 (LAUGHTER) 647 00:33:11,843 --> 00:33:15,043 And I don't know if you've ever seen Celine Dion perform on stage. 648 00:33:15,083 --> 00:33:17,203 Have you ever seen her? 649 00:33:17,243 --> 00:33:20,683 and you know how theatrical with the hand gestures she is on stage? 650 00:33:20,723 --> 00:33:23,803 She's like that in real life. Honestly, you would not understand. 651 00:33:23,843 --> 00:33:25,923 Honestly. She's like that in real life. 652 00:33:25,963 --> 00:33:28,883 (NASALLY): "So, seeing other shows when you're in Vegas?" 653 00:33:28,923 --> 00:33:31,683 (LAUGHTER) 654 00:33:36,763 --> 00:33:39,283 (NASALLY): "Weather warm enough for you here in Vegas?" 655 00:33:39,323 --> 00:33:41,323 (LAUGHTER) 656 00:33:48,203 --> 00:33:52,163 At one point it looked like she was pulling apart a very rusty deckchair. 657 00:33:52,203 --> 00:33:54,203 (LAUGHTER) 658 00:33:58,923 --> 00:34:03,043 Then she saw me top to toe in my Celine Dion merchandise. 659 00:34:03,083 --> 00:34:04,883 (LAUGHTER) 660 00:34:04,923 --> 00:34:06,762 (NASALL): "Good for you. 661 00:34:06,803 --> 00:34:10,083 "Are you enjoying your day? 662 00:34:10,123 --> 00:34:12,202 "Good for you." 663 00:34:13,523 --> 00:34:16,123 Well, she thinks I'm fucking simple. She thinks I'm simple. 664 00:34:16,163 --> 00:34:18,963 (LAUGHTER) 665 00:34:19,003 --> 00:34:20,963 (NASALLY): "Good for you." 666 00:34:21,003 --> 00:34:23,003 (LAUGHTER) 667 00:34:31,643 --> 00:34:34,083 Then we honeymooned in Mexico. 668 00:34:34,123 --> 00:34:35,722 AUDIENCE: Ooh! 669 00:34:35,762 --> 00:34:37,963 Didn't get much sleep on the honeymoon night. 670 00:34:38,003 --> 00:34:39,282 AUDIENCE: Ooh! 671 00:34:39,323 --> 00:34:41,563 That's Mexican food for you. Oh, don't. 672 00:34:41,603 --> 00:34:43,803 It was coming out both ends, honestly. 673 00:34:43,843 --> 00:34:46,282 It was like a chocolate fountain. 674 00:34:46,323 --> 00:34:48,123 No-one wants to see the outline 675 00:34:48,163 --> 00:34:50,483 of a turd on a memory foam mattress, do they? 676 00:34:50,523 --> 00:34:52,523 (LAUGHTER) 677 00:34:56,763 --> 00:35:00,083 No, and then my bloating hadn't gone down, my IBS flared up. 678 00:35:00,123 --> 00:35:02,723 I was walking along the street, I could see the street children 679 00:35:02,763 --> 00:35:05,083 following me with sticks, thinking I was a pinata. 680 00:35:05,123 --> 00:35:07,123 (LAUGHTER) 681 00:35:10,803 --> 00:35:14,003 Don't get me started on those street kids, the little shits. 682 00:35:14,043 --> 00:35:17,603 The little shits. They tell you, when you go to these street villages, 683 00:35:17,643 --> 00:35:19,643 "Don't give them money! 684 00:35:19,683 --> 00:35:24,363 "Don't give them money. Give them sweeties, crayons, pens, papers. 685 00:35:24,403 --> 00:35:26,843 "They don't want money." Have you tried that in real life? 686 00:35:26,883 --> 00:35:28,803 Have you tried that? 687 00:35:28,843 --> 00:35:30,563 You get out the car, you go over there. 688 00:35:30,603 --> 00:35:33,763 "Peso, peso. Make it rain, fat boy, make it rain." 689 00:35:33,803 --> 00:35:36,243 (NASALLY): "I wanna see dollar. Gimme dollar. 690 00:35:36,283 --> 00:35:38,003 "Gimme dollar. Gimme dollar." 691 00:35:38,043 --> 00:35:40,803 Celine? Celine, she'd followed us. 692 00:35:40,843 --> 00:35:43,563 (LAUGHTER) 693 00:35:43,603 --> 00:35:45,723 "Gimme dollar." 694 00:35:45,763 --> 00:35:47,563 (LAUGHTER) 695 00:35:47,603 --> 00:35:49,723 I gave the girl a felt-tip pen. 696 00:35:49,763 --> 00:35:51,803 She ripped the top off, held it to my throat. 697 00:35:51,843 --> 00:35:53,963 (LAUGHTER) 698 00:35:54,003 --> 00:35:55,803 She was gonna colour in my turkey neck. 699 00:35:56,883 --> 00:35:59,883 I said, "Don't use all that ink, I've got a boarding pass at home." 700 00:35:59,923 --> 00:36:01,923 (LAUGHTER) 701 00:36:03,883 --> 00:36:06,483 And then they'll tell you to buy all the local knick-knacks 702 00:36:06,523 --> 00:36:09,323 and handicrafts. Don't bother. They take the piss out of you, yeah? 703 00:36:09,363 --> 00:36:11,483 I bought a pair of espadrilles, yeah? 704 00:36:11,523 --> 00:36:13,843 Got 'em home, two pita bread. 705 00:36:13,883 --> 00:36:15,243 (LAUGHTER) 706 00:36:16,283 --> 00:36:18,723 They think you're thick. They think you're thick. 707 00:36:20,323 --> 00:36:22,563 But if you ever go to Mexico, you've gotta go. 708 00:36:22,603 --> 00:36:24,523 Honestly, you've got to go. 709 00:36:24,563 --> 00:36:26,203 The people are great, 710 00:36:26,243 --> 00:36:28,723 the food's delicious, there's so much to see and do. 711 00:36:28,763 --> 00:36:33,203 When I was there, I took Paul to see the lost Inca temple of Chichen Itza, 712 00:36:33,243 --> 00:36:36,443 where Whitney Houston filmed the I Will Always Love You video. 713 00:36:36,483 --> 00:36:38,483 (LAUGHTER) 714 00:36:38,523 --> 00:36:40,523 (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) 715 00:36:43,443 --> 00:36:45,843 It's not as snowy as you remember. 716 00:36:45,883 --> 00:36:47,363 (LAUGHTER) 717 00:36:49,683 --> 00:36:52,083 Let me have some water. 718 00:36:52,123 --> 00:36:55,243 Fuck me, it's hot. Is everyone too hot? How's everyone doing? 719 00:36:55,283 --> 00:36:58,043 AUDIENCE: Yes! Oh, my God, honestly. 720 00:36:58,083 --> 00:37:00,803 I don't think if you're this fat, you should be able to work. I don't. 721 00:37:00,843 --> 00:37:02,883 I really think... I've got rights. 722 00:37:02,923 --> 00:37:04,923 (LAUGHTER) 723 00:37:04,963 --> 00:37:06,883 Oh, God. Do I look like shit? 724 00:37:06,923 --> 00:37:09,323 Honestly, do I need a little tuck? 725 00:37:09,363 --> 00:37:11,683 AUDIENCE: No! AUDIENCE MEMBER: You're smashing it. 726 00:37:11,723 --> 00:37:13,603 Smashing it. I mean, look. 727 00:37:13,643 --> 00:37:15,643 (LAUGHTER) 728 00:37:16,763 --> 00:37:18,763 Has that started looking like a Brazilian? 729 00:37:18,803 --> 00:37:20,803 (LAUGHTER) 730 00:37:22,283 --> 00:37:25,363 I didn't know what to call myself when I got married 731 00:37:25,403 --> 00:37:27,363 because partner's a bit formal, innit? 732 00:37:28,283 --> 00:37:30,803 Husband. I can't with this voice, I can't. 733 00:37:30,843 --> 00:37:32,163 (LAUGHTER) 734 00:37:32,203 --> 00:37:35,163 I rang up the call centre, I said, "I'm just gonna put my husband on." 735 00:37:35,203 --> 00:37:37,523 I could hear 'em going, "Ah, I knew it was an old woman." 736 00:37:37,563 --> 00:37:39,563 (LAUGHTER) 737 00:37:41,443 --> 00:37:44,723 And he's very romantic, Paul. He likes sharing plates. 738 00:37:44,763 --> 00:37:46,403 You'd go to a restaurant. 739 00:37:46,443 --> 00:37:48,603 "Let's have a sharing plate." I'm, like, "What?" 740 00:37:49,563 --> 00:37:51,603 "You share my bed, you share my life. 741 00:37:51,643 --> 00:37:53,923 "Now I've gotta share my fucking food with you." 742 00:37:53,963 --> 00:37:56,443 (LAUGHTER) 743 00:37:56,483 --> 00:37:59,923 I dunno. Just eat it and regurgitate it back into your mouth. 744 00:37:59,963 --> 00:38:02,283 Like a gannet. AUDIENCE: Eww! 745 00:38:02,323 --> 00:38:06,683 Even on the honeymoon, couples' massage, in the same room. 746 00:38:06,723 --> 00:38:09,163 Ugh. If I wanna hear him grunting and groaning, 747 00:38:09,203 --> 00:38:12,723 I'd steal a piece of his Whitney Houston jigsaw. 748 00:38:12,763 --> 00:38:15,523 And these couples' massage, they're not even sexy. 749 00:38:15,563 --> 00:38:18,323 They cover you in all this oil, so you smell like a Glade Plug-In. 750 00:38:18,363 --> 00:38:19,803 (LAUGHTER) 751 00:38:19,843 --> 00:38:23,203 You have to wear mesh pants. It looks like your knob's about to rob a bank. 752 00:38:23,243 --> 00:38:24,443 (LAUGHTER) 753 00:38:33,003 --> 00:38:36,483 Then halfway through the marriage, I found out he's an alcoholic. 754 00:38:36,523 --> 00:38:38,763 I'm not judging him. I drink too much. 755 00:38:38,803 --> 00:38:41,723 We all drink a bit too much, don't we?AUDIENCE: Yes! 756 00:38:41,763 --> 00:38:44,323 I've had one of those summers, you know, I've sat there, 757 00:38:44,363 --> 00:38:46,243 rose, after rose. 758 00:38:46,283 --> 00:38:49,243 Slumped on the settee, watching the telly. You done that? 759 00:38:49,283 --> 00:38:51,763 Drinking rose all day, watching that telly. 760 00:38:51,803 --> 00:38:54,203 You know when that message comes up on the screen 761 00:38:54,243 --> 00:38:56,323 when the telly thinks you're dead? 762 00:38:56,363 --> 00:38:58,283 (LAUGHTER) 763 00:38:58,323 --> 00:39:01,523 "Press any button on the remote." Ha ha ha! 764 00:39:01,563 --> 00:39:03,563 (LAUGHTER) 765 00:39:04,963 --> 00:39:07,723 This is the eighth episode of Homes Under the Hammer. 766 00:39:07,763 --> 00:39:10,123 Blink if you're in pain. 767 00:39:13,403 --> 00:39:16,683 Have you ever fucking passed out with a drink and left the heating on? 768 00:39:16,723 --> 00:39:18,563 Oh. You wake up in the morning 769 00:39:18,603 --> 00:39:20,843 and you think someone's come in and burgled your gums. 770 00:39:20,883 --> 00:39:22,883 (LAUGHTER) 771 00:39:22,923 --> 00:39:25,483 (TALKS JIBBERISH) 772 00:39:25,523 --> 00:39:27,523 (LAUGHTER) 773 00:39:28,883 --> 00:39:31,323 (TALKS GIBBERISH) 774 00:39:31,363 --> 00:39:34,643 (LAUGHTER) 775 00:39:34,683 --> 00:39:37,283 But, obviously, I like a drink, 776 00:39:37,323 --> 00:39:39,243 and when you live with someone with alcoholism, 777 00:39:39,283 --> 00:39:42,483 you realise you have different relationships with different drink. 778 00:39:42,523 --> 00:39:45,243 For me, beer and lager is my friendly uncle, 779 00:39:45,283 --> 00:39:49,123 tequila's my slutty aunt. Tequila's my slutty aunt. 780 00:39:49,163 --> 00:39:51,643 Know what I mean? You have three lagers, your uncle turns up. 781 00:39:51,683 --> 00:39:53,283 "Come on, Alan, let's go home, come on. 782 00:39:53,323 --> 00:39:56,803 "Watch a bit of a Naked Attraction. Come on, come on, go home, go home." 783 00:39:56,843 --> 00:39:59,843 You have three tequilas, your slutty aunt turns up. 784 00:39:59,883 --> 00:40:02,843 (WHISPERS): "Alan, Alan. Psst, psst, Alan." 785 00:40:02,883 --> 00:40:05,483 (LAUGHTER) 786 00:40:05,523 --> 00:40:07,563 "Get your cock out, it's a christening." 787 00:40:07,603 --> 00:40:09,883 (LAUGHTER) 788 00:40:13,523 --> 00:40:16,643 I nearly died from alcohol. I did. Did you know that? 789 00:40:16,683 --> 00:40:18,643 I nearly died. Yes. 790 00:40:18,683 --> 00:40:21,683 When I was 18, I drank a whole bottle of vodka. 791 00:40:21,723 --> 00:40:23,843 Passed out wearing a fur-lined hoodie, 792 00:40:23,883 --> 00:40:26,683 and a Jack Russell sat on my face thinking it was a dog box. 793 00:40:26,723 --> 00:40:29,363 (LAUGHTER) 794 00:40:29,403 --> 00:40:32,123 Covered all my air holes. Honestly, I could have been dead. 795 00:40:32,163 --> 00:40:34,203 You could be watching a hologram. 796 00:40:34,243 --> 00:40:36,243 (LAUGHTER) 797 00:40:40,803 --> 00:40:42,963 But even though we're divorced, 798 00:40:43,003 --> 00:40:45,003 I don't hate my ex. 799 00:40:45,043 --> 00:40:47,523 Hatred takes a lot of energy, doesn't it? 800 00:40:47,563 --> 00:40:50,883 AUDIENCE: Yes! Yeah. I'm not going there. 801 00:40:50,923 --> 00:40:54,003 And do you know what he does for a living, my ex? He's a farmer. 802 00:40:54,043 --> 00:40:57,003 And what he does, he takes animals that are maimed and injured 803 00:40:57,043 --> 00:40:58,923 on the way to the abattoir, he rescues them, 804 00:40:58,963 --> 00:41:00,723 then he brings them to his farm. 805 00:41:01,763 --> 00:41:04,883 We rescued a dog from the dog-meat trade in Korea. 806 00:41:04,923 --> 00:41:06,483 Did you know about that? 807 00:41:06,523 --> 00:41:09,163 Rescued a dog. Oh my God, she's absolutely gorgeous. 808 00:41:09,203 --> 00:41:11,003 Check her out on my Instagram posts. 809 00:41:11,043 --> 00:41:14,203 Honestly, she is so cute and cuddly. 810 00:41:14,243 --> 00:41:16,043 Honestly, she's that small. Oh. 811 00:41:16,083 --> 00:41:19,243 You'd have to have chips with her. 812 00:41:19,283 --> 00:41:20,723 (LAUGHTER) 813 00:41:20,763 --> 00:41:22,723 Or garlic bread, or, you know, something. 814 00:41:24,163 --> 00:41:26,523 Less of a pet, more of an amuse bouche. 815 00:41:28,643 --> 00:41:30,883 Oh, I didn't rescue her from Korea. 816 00:41:30,923 --> 00:41:34,323 A fantastic London dog charity rescued her from Korea. 817 00:41:34,363 --> 00:41:36,283 People genuinely thought 818 00:41:36,323 --> 00:41:38,923 I'd been lowered into Korea like Jason Statham. 819 00:41:38,963 --> 00:41:40,923 "Get the fucking dog!" 820 00:41:40,963 --> 00:41:42,803 (LAUGHTER) 821 00:41:42,843 --> 00:41:44,643 "Where's the fucking dog?" 822 00:41:44,683 --> 00:41:46,523 (LAUGHTER) 823 00:41:48,683 --> 00:41:52,003 "Where's the dog?" "Give me the fucking dog!" 824 00:41:52,043 --> 00:41:54,723 (LAUGHTER) 825 00:41:54,763 --> 00:41:58,123 It just turned up. None of that happened. 826 00:41:59,243 --> 00:42:03,843 So, I spent lockdown on a farm with my now ex. It was very weird. 827 00:42:03,883 --> 00:42:07,203 I don't know what your lockdown was like, and I hate talking about Covid 828 00:42:07,243 --> 00:42:10,363 cos it was just such a fucking bore, weren't it? 829 00:42:10,403 --> 00:42:13,803 (PANTS) But... Oh, my God, how unfit am I? 830 00:42:13,843 --> 00:42:15,083 (LAUGHTER) 831 00:42:15,123 --> 00:42:17,483 Acting like Jason Statham. 832 00:42:17,523 --> 00:42:19,443 Now I can't talk properly. 833 00:42:19,483 --> 00:42:21,363 (LAUGHTER) 834 00:42:22,843 --> 00:42:26,403 No, cos lockdown was weird for me. I started regressing. 835 00:42:26,443 --> 00:42:30,603 I started doing everything I used to do as a 13-year-old. 836 00:42:30,643 --> 00:42:34,803 Board games, bird watching, jigsaws, 837 00:42:34,843 --> 00:42:38,283 masturbating furiously, dressing up as Wonder Woman. 838 00:42:38,323 --> 00:42:40,003 (LAUGHTER) 839 00:42:40,043 --> 00:42:42,403 Sometimes I did all five and clapped for carers. 840 00:42:42,443 --> 00:42:44,923 (LAUGHTER) 841 00:42:47,403 --> 00:42:51,723 Oh, we rescued a load of animals: cows, chickens, alpacas. 842 00:42:51,763 --> 00:42:55,603 Alpacas? You think you like alpacas. 843 00:42:55,643 --> 00:42:57,683 They are very snooty. Very snooty. 844 00:42:57,723 --> 00:43:01,123 You go into the field and you've got no food, they're like this. 845 00:43:01,163 --> 00:43:03,163 (SCOFFS) 846 00:43:03,203 --> 00:43:06,083 (LAUGHTER) 847 00:43:06,123 --> 00:43:07,643 Come back with a bucket of feed, 848 00:43:07,683 --> 00:43:09,963 they're like Paul Burrell when someone mentions Diana. 849 00:43:10,003 --> 00:43:12,003 (LAUGHTER) 850 00:43:12,043 --> 00:43:14,043 (AUDIENCE APPLAUDS) 851 00:43:18,123 --> 00:43:20,043 If you like alpacas, 852 00:43:20,083 --> 00:43:22,323 check out this video that went viral during lockdown. 853 00:43:22,363 --> 00:43:25,683 They sent a load of alpacas to an old people's home to cheer 'em up. 854 00:43:25,723 --> 00:43:27,563 Oh, my God, it's piss funny, listen. 855 00:43:28,723 --> 00:43:30,843 All the alpacas are on the lawn outside. 856 00:43:30,883 --> 00:43:33,203 There's two old women looking out the window. 857 00:43:33,243 --> 00:43:35,243 (LAUGHTER) 858 00:43:38,483 --> 00:43:40,723 The alpaca's, like, "Is she taking the piss?" 859 00:43:40,763 --> 00:43:43,603 (LAUGHTER) 860 00:43:45,043 --> 00:43:47,323 Why would you send a load of alpacas 861 00:43:47,363 --> 00:43:49,443 to an old people's home to cheer 'em up? 862 00:43:49,483 --> 00:43:51,643 I know whey they use 'em cos they're goofy-looking 863 00:43:51,683 --> 00:43:53,443 and, you know, funny-looking. 864 00:43:53,483 --> 00:43:55,363 You don't want to be 95 at death's door, 865 00:43:55,403 --> 00:43:57,483 and there's a vulture on your windowsill. 866 00:43:58,963 --> 00:44:01,483 "Wants to eat you, Ethel, look. 867 00:44:01,523 --> 00:44:03,083 "He's licking his lips, look." 868 00:44:04,603 --> 00:44:06,443 But, then, so... 869 00:44:06,483 --> 00:44:09,323 the reason we got divorced, I can talk about this now, 870 00:44:09,363 --> 00:44:11,563 he loved this horse more than me. 871 00:44:11,603 --> 00:44:14,123 He had this horse called Jack. Can we talk about Jack? 872 00:44:14,163 --> 00:44:16,243 Do we have any horsey people in? 873 00:44:16,283 --> 00:44:17,523 AUDIENCE MEMBER: Whoo! 874 00:44:17,563 --> 00:44:19,763 I don't get why you would ride a horse. 875 00:44:19,803 --> 00:44:22,603 I don't get why you would get on the back of something... 876 00:44:22,643 --> 00:44:24,643 (LAUGHTER) 877 00:44:24,683 --> 00:44:27,963 ..that is so jittery and twitchy, honestly. 878 00:44:28,003 --> 00:44:30,243 It'd be like getting a piggy-back of Celine Dion. 879 00:44:30,283 --> 00:44:32,283 (LAUGHTER) 880 00:44:35,403 --> 00:44:38,323 I had to do some horse riding on A League of Their Own. 881 00:44:38,363 --> 00:44:41,323 The woman said, "You're gonna love your horse. He's cheeky." 882 00:44:41,363 --> 00:44:43,243 I don't want a horse that's cheeky. 883 00:44:43,283 --> 00:44:48,043 I want a horse that's lethargic, depressed or stoned. 884 00:44:48,083 --> 00:44:50,083 (LAUGHTER) 885 00:44:51,603 --> 00:44:53,523 And we had this weird row, cos he said, 886 00:44:53,563 --> 00:44:55,283 "Can you get Jack some carrots?" 887 00:44:55,323 --> 00:44:58,323 So, I wanted to get into Jack's good books, yeah? 888 00:44:58,363 --> 00:45:01,443 So, I went to M&S, and I got those carrot batons, 889 00:45:01,483 --> 00:45:03,843 you know, the mini carrot batons. 890 00:45:03,883 --> 00:45:06,843 Well, I turned up. Oh, my God, he went mental. 891 00:45:06,883 --> 00:45:08,683 He said, "Are you stupid? 892 00:45:08,723 --> 00:45:11,123 "He needs a bit carrot. He's a big horse. 893 00:45:11,163 --> 00:45:13,243 "Why are you getting him carrot batons?" 894 00:45:13,283 --> 00:45:16,243 And I burst into tears. (LAUGHTER) 895 00:45:16,283 --> 00:45:18,523 I daren't show him the selection of dips. 896 00:45:18,563 --> 00:45:21,563 (LAUGHTER) 897 00:45:28,963 --> 00:45:32,443 And then two weeks before the wedding, Paul's riding Jack. 898 00:45:32,483 --> 00:45:35,123 Jack throws Paul off and he lands on the floor. 899 00:45:35,163 --> 00:45:38,163 I run over there. I said, "Paul, are you alright?" 900 00:45:38,203 --> 00:45:41,043 "Jack got spooked." "Spooked? What by?" 901 00:45:41,083 --> 00:45:44,883 "A tree." "A tree? He lives in a field." 902 00:45:44,923 --> 00:45:47,523 How can you be spooked by a tree? 903 00:45:47,563 --> 00:45:49,883 What's it done? Jumped out dressed as a clown. 904 00:45:49,923 --> 00:45:51,923 "Do you like games?" 905 00:45:51,963 --> 00:45:54,403 (LAUGHTER) 906 00:45:54,443 --> 00:45:56,683 And cos he wouldn't tell the horse off, 907 00:45:56,723 --> 00:46:00,323 we had to have a horse whisperer round the farm. A horse whisperer. 908 00:46:00,363 --> 00:46:04,083 There's a knock on the door. I open it up. I said, "Who are you?" 909 00:46:04,123 --> 00:46:05,723 "Horse whisperer." 910 00:46:05,763 --> 00:46:07,763 (LAUGHTER) 911 00:46:08,643 --> 00:46:10,883 (ODDLY): "Horse whisperer." 912 00:46:12,043 --> 00:46:13,843 "Horse whisperer." 913 00:46:13,883 --> 00:46:15,963 I said, "Have a day off. Come in." 914 00:46:16,003 --> 00:46:18,283 (LAUGHTER) 915 00:46:18,323 --> 00:46:21,443 And he's whispering to Jack in the stable, nuh, nuh, nuh. 916 00:46:21,483 --> 00:46:23,523 I can hear them gossiping, nuh, nuh, nuh, nuh, nuh. 917 00:46:23,563 --> 00:46:25,603 Carrot batons. Nuh, nuh, nuh, nuh, nuh. 918 00:46:26,683 --> 00:46:28,803 And I know this horse is throwing me under the bus. 919 00:46:28,843 --> 00:46:31,843 I can see him showing him on a My Little Pony where I touched him. 920 00:46:31,883 --> 00:46:33,603 Liar! 921 00:46:33,643 --> 00:46:35,643 (LAUGHTER) 922 00:46:37,843 --> 00:46:39,803 And the thing that pissed me off is, 923 00:46:39,843 --> 00:46:43,483 Paul used to name the animals and never tell me. 924 00:46:43,523 --> 00:46:46,523 I'd be sitting in there watching Pointless. 925 00:46:46,563 --> 00:46:48,603 He would run in, "Rihanna's dead!" 926 00:46:48,643 --> 00:46:50,643 (LAUGHTER) 927 00:46:52,683 --> 00:46:54,763 "She's been hit by a tractor." 928 00:46:54,803 --> 00:46:56,683 "Fuckin' tractor?" 929 00:46:57,723 --> 00:47:00,243 "What's she doing, a country and western album?" 930 00:47:00,283 --> 00:47:02,243 "Whitney's stuck on the electric fence." 931 00:47:02,283 --> 00:47:04,523 Hasn't that woman been through enough? 932 00:47:04,563 --> 00:47:07,963 (LAUGHTER) Yeah, she's waving now. 933 00:47:08,003 --> 00:47:10,003 (LAUGHTER) 934 00:47:13,443 --> 00:47:16,723 During lockdown, we stopped... 935 00:47:16,763 --> 00:47:20,283 We stopped naming the animals during lockdown in case we had to eat 'em. 936 00:47:20,323 --> 00:47:22,523 AUDIENCE: Ohh! 937 00:47:22,563 --> 00:47:25,603 Some of the animals got suspicious, honestly. 938 00:47:26,603 --> 00:47:28,563 "Chicken number five, please." 939 00:47:28,603 --> 00:47:29,843 (LAUGHTER) 940 00:47:31,643 --> 00:47:33,923 Where you going, love? What you doing? 941 00:47:33,963 --> 00:47:36,083 I've only got a bit more. You alright, love? 942 00:47:37,283 --> 00:47:39,523 That's alright, mate. Oh, there's another one here. 943 00:47:39,563 --> 00:47:41,563 Oh, my God. 944 00:47:41,603 --> 00:47:44,803 I didn't know I had such a straight audience. "Alright, mate." 945 00:47:44,843 --> 00:47:46,843 (LAUGHTER) 946 00:47:46,883 --> 00:47:49,083 "Apples and pears, apples and pears." 947 00:47:49,123 --> 00:47:53,483 So, listen, I'd love to chat to you, but I've got to work. Yeah. 948 00:47:53,523 --> 00:47:56,323 (LAUGHTER) 949 00:47:56,363 --> 00:47:59,683 You know when you're driving your cab and people press that mute button? 950 00:47:59,723 --> 00:48:01,683 I can't do that now. 951 00:48:01,723 --> 00:48:03,283 (LAUGHTER) 952 00:48:03,323 --> 00:48:05,323 (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) 953 00:48:07,003 --> 00:48:11,203 Listen, let's get out of this sweaty place. Let me get on with this. 954 00:48:11,243 --> 00:48:14,043 I'm just worried you're gonna drink tequila tonight. 955 00:48:14,083 --> 00:48:15,763 Let me tell you a story. 956 00:48:15,803 --> 00:48:21,163 On my last tour, I had an amazing run of shows in Liverpool, and er... 957 00:48:21,203 --> 00:48:23,923 (CHEERING) Yeah, love Liverpool. 958 00:48:23,963 --> 00:48:26,403 And so, instead of going back to the hotel, 959 00:48:26,443 --> 00:48:29,603 I went, "I'm gonna go out partying in one of the best cities in the world." 960 00:48:29,643 --> 00:48:32,043 So, me and my lovely tour manager, we went out 961 00:48:32,083 --> 00:48:35,243 and we drank tequila all night! 962 00:48:35,283 --> 00:48:37,003 (CHEERING) 963 00:48:37,043 --> 00:48:39,043 Well, you might have read in the paper, 964 00:48:39,083 --> 00:48:41,683 he got beaten up and his leg broken, 965 00:48:41,723 --> 00:48:47,363 with me in an inner city Liverpool McDonald's at 4am in the morning. 966 00:48:47,403 --> 00:48:49,483 Can I remember anything? No! 967 00:48:49,523 --> 00:48:52,203 Cos I was drinking. AUDIENCE: Tequila! 968 00:48:52,243 --> 00:48:54,123 Tequila. If I'd had lager, 969 00:48:54,163 --> 00:48:56,643 then my uncle would have turned up. "Come on, get your McFlurry. 970 00:48:56,683 --> 00:48:58,643 "Come on, let's go home, come on." 971 00:48:58,683 --> 00:49:00,883 No, my slutty aunt turned up, didn't she? 972 00:49:02,443 --> 00:49:05,163 (WHISPERS): "Alan, Alan, psst, psst. 973 00:49:07,523 --> 00:49:09,923 "You want filet of fish? Smell my finger." 974 00:49:09,963 --> 00:49:11,963 (LAUGHTER) 975 00:49:12,003 --> 00:49:13,803 (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) 976 00:49:13,843 --> 00:49:16,003 Disgusting. You're disgusting. 977 00:49:16,043 --> 00:49:18,723 You're disgusting. 978 00:49:18,763 --> 00:49:21,323 So, I go to bed, I don't know what's happened. 979 00:49:21,363 --> 00:49:23,403 There's a knock on the door, I open it up, 980 00:49:23,443 --> 00:49:25,123 there's a police woman in my hotel room. 981 00:49:25,163 --> 00:49:29,763 "Hello, Mr Carr, can we talk about your statement from last night?" 982 00:49:29,803 --> 00:49:31,123 (LAUGHTER) 983 00:49:31,163 --> 00:49:32,683 Statement? 984 00:49:32,723 --> 00:49:34,843 Oh, my God, I did a statement. 985 00:49:34,883 --> 00:49:36,163 (LAUGHTER) 986 00:49:36,203 --> 00:49:39,443 I was waiting in the queue for my Chicken McNuggets, 987 00:49:39,483 --> 00:49:43,323 when I saw my tour manager getting beaten up. 988 00:49:43,363 --> 00:49:45,723 I didn't go to help as I was starving. 989 00:49:45,763 --> 00:49:47,763 (LAUGHTER) 990 00:49:52,283 --> 00:49:54,803 And I didn't want to lose my place in the queue. 991 00:49:54,843 --> 00:49:57,163 (LAUGHTER) 992 00:49:57,203 --> 00:50:00,043 And the Pride Of Britain Award goes to... 993 00:50:00,923 --> 00:50:03,923 So he sues McDonald's, rightfully so. 994 00:50:03,963 --> 00:50:07,403 It goes to court, they play the CCTV footage. 995 00:50:07,443 --> 00:50:09,643 Oh, my God. 996 00:50:09,683 --> 00:50:14,043 He's laying on the floor, I'm posting McNuggets into his mouth, like this. 997 00:50:14,083 --> 00:50:16,083 (LAUGHTER) 998 00:50:17,883 --> 00:50:19,923 And as he's put in the back of the ambulance, 999 00:50:19,963 --> 00:50:23,083 I'm waving him off like he's been a contestant on Family Fortunes. 1000 00:50:23,123 --> 00:50:25,123 (LAUGHTER) 1001 00:50:31,083 --> 00:50:34,803 And you know when you're so twatted, I started dancing to the siren. 1002 00:50:40,283 --> 00:50:42,523 Please don't drink tequila tonight. Please! 1003 00:50:42,563 --> 00:50:43,963 (CHEERING) 1004 00:50:44,003 --> 00:50:47,603 They say if you drink tequila all night, no hangover. 1005 00:50:47,643 --> 00:50:50,083 Yeah, no hangover, no memory, no teeth, 1006 00:50:50,123 --> 00:50:52,283 no bail, no friends, 1007 00:50:52,323 --> 00:50:54,243 no pulse. Don't do it! 1008 00:50:54,283 --> 00:50:56,283 Thank you, Hackney. Take care! 1009 00:50:56,323 --> 00:50:58,323 Thank you! 1010 00:51:00,563 --> 00:51:02,563 (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) 1011 00:51:24,923 --> 00:51:26,923 (CLUB MUSIC) 1012 00:51:26,963 --> 00:51:29,083 AccessibleCustomerService@sky.uk