1 00:00:06,047 --> 00:00:09,676 ["Everyone's an Outlaw" by Bryan Martin playing] 2 00:00:11,678 --> 00:00:14,180 [announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready? 3 00:00:14,264 --> 00:00:16,266 [audience cheering] 4 00:00:16,349 --> 00:00:21,187 Please welcome the one and only Steve Treviño! 5 00:00:21,271 --> 00:00:23,440 [audience continues cheering] 6 00:00:30,363 --> 00:00:32,157 Thank you, San Antonio! 7 00:00:33,408 --> 00:00:36,286 The Tobin Center. Thank you. 8 00:00:37,412 --> 00:00:40,206 Thank you. Please sit down. Please, please, please. Thank you. 9 00:00:41,166 --> 00:00:43,460 Those of you that are new to me and don't know what I do, 10 00:00:43,543 --> 00:00:46,963 my show is comedy/cry for help. 11 00:00:47,047 --> 00:00:48,506 - [audience chuckles] - [chuckles] 12 00:00:48,590 --> 00:00:51,092 I'm a family man. I'm a simple man. 13 00:00:51,176 --> 00:00:54,429 I live my life with my family. They do dumb shit, and I come and report. 14 00:00:54,512 --> 00:00:55,346 That's what I do. 15 00:00:55,430 --> 00:00:57,015 [audience laughs] 16 00:00:57,098 --> 00:00:59,100 Let's start with my wife, Captain Evil. 17 00:00:59,184 --> 00:01:00,769 - [audience cheers] - Let's start with her. 18 00:01:01,603 --> 00:01:02,437 Because... 19 00:01:03,438 --> 00:01:04,272 Ugh. 20 00:01:04,355 --> 00:01:07,067 She's got a new friend, my wife. Got a new friend. 21 00:01:07,150 --> 00:01:09,986 And it sucks when my wife has a new friend because 22 00:01:10,070 --> 00:01:13,073 if the new friend has a husband, I gotta hang out with that guy. 23 00:01:13,156 --> 00:01:13,990 [audience chuckles] 24 00:01:14,074 --> 00:01:17,243 She puts me on a husband play date like I'm a three-year-old. 25 00:01:18,078 --> 00:01:22,791 And the problem is, if my wife likes her and I don't like him, 26 00:01:22,874 --> 00:01:23,958 we're hanging out. 27 00:01:24,042 --> 00:01:25,376 [audience laughs] 28 00:01:25,460 --> 00:01:27,587 But if I like him and she doesn't like her, 29 00:01:27,670 --> 00:01:29,297 I'm never seeing that guy again. 30 00:01:29,380 --> 00:01:30,256 [audience laughs] 31 00:01:30,340 --> 00:01:31,633 That's how that works. 32 00:01:32,842 --> 00:01:35,470 Well, I don't like the new guy. I don't like the new guy. 33 00:01:35,553 --> 00:01:37,388 My wife goes, "You know why you don't like him?" 34 00:01:37,472 --> 00:01:39,891 I said, "Why?" She goes, "'Cause he's a Leo." 35 00:01:39,974 --> 00:01:41,309 [audience laughs] 36 00:01:41,392 --> 00:01:42,393 "And you're a Capricorn." 37 00:01:42,477 --> 00:01:45,271 "And Leos and Capricorns, they just don't get along." 38 00:01:45,355 --> 00:01:47,440 "That's why you don't like him." I said, "Really?" 39 00:01:47,524 --> 00:01:48,775 "I thought I didn't like him 40 00:01:48,858 --> 00:01:50,652 because he shakes my hand like a little bitch." 41 00:01:50,735 --> 00:01:52,112 [audience laughs] 42 00:01:52,195 --> 00:01:54,531 He doesn't like sports, and he drinks White Claws. 43 00:01:54,614 --> 00:01:56,116 I thought that's why I didn't like him. 44 00:01:56,199 --> 00:01:57,367 [audience laughs] 45 00:01:57,992 --> 00:02:00,703 And some of you men are upset because you drink White Claws. 46 00:02:01,412 --> 00:02:02,330 You shouldn't be upset. 47 00:02:02,413 --> 00:02:04,874 You should be ashamed of yourself is what you should be. 48 00:02:05,500 --> 00:02:08,837 And I would like to have a conversation with your father if you have one. 49 00:02:08,920 --> 00:02:11,089 [audience laughs] 50 00:02:11,172 --> 00:02:13,341 But, yes, I am a family man. 51 00:02:13,424 --> 00:02:16,761 Not a lot of exciting things happen in my life for single people 52 00:02:16,845 --> 00:02:19,305 because they don't know what it's like to be a family man. 53 00:02:19,389 --> 00:02:22,016 I do have exciting weeks. I coach little league. 54 00:02:22,642 --> 00:02:25,186 - [audience cheers] - Yeah, I'm proud to coach little league. 55 00:02:25,770 --> 00:02:28,273 I know there's a lot of people in here that coach little league. 56 00:02:28,356 --> 00:02:31,943 For those of you that don't know this, it is a volunteer position. 57 00:02:32,026 --> 00:02:35,446 I do not get paid to coach little league, nor do I have a coaching degree. 58 00:02:35,530 --> 00:02:40,076 So on behalf of all of us that volunteer our time to coach, 59 00:02:40,160 --> 00:02:41,744 those of you that don't coach, 60 00:02:41,828 --> 00:02:46,291 do us coaches a favor and shut the fuck up, okay? 61 00:02:46,374 --> 00:02:47,333 Because... 62 00:02:47,417 --> 00:02:49,043 [audience cheering and applauding] 63 00:02:49,127 --> 00:02:51,588 ...nothing pisses me off more 64 00:02:51,671 --> 00:02:53,590 than the parents that don't come to practice. 65 00:02:53,673 --> 00:02:54,966 They only come to the games, 66 00:02:55,049 --> 00:02:57,969 and now they wanna get involved with what I got going on on the field. 67 00:02:58,052 --> 00:02:59,387 "Uh, Coach, can I talk to you?" 68 00:02:59,470 --> 00:03:01,055 No, motherfucker, you can't. 69 00:03:01,139 --> 00:03:02,265 [audience laughs] 70 00:03:02,348 --> 00:03:05,727 "Well, I don't understand why my son never gets to play first base." 71 00:03:05,810 --> 00:03:08,980 Well, if you came to practice, you would understand that your son sucks. 72 00:03:09,063 --> 00:03:10,148 [audience laughs] 73 00:03:10,231 --> 00:03:13,610 We're throwing real baseballs now, and he can't catch for shit. 74 00:03:13,693 --> 00:03:17,071 I'm afraid your son's gonna get hit in the face and die. 75 00:03:17,155 --> 00:03:19,616 But because it is little league and I have to play everybody, 76 00:03:19,699 --> 00:03:22,869 I put your son in right field so he can play with the flowers. 77 00:03:22,952 --> 00:03:24,954 [audience laughs] 78 00:03:25,038 --> 00:03:27,498 If some of you have kids under the age of eight years old 79 00:03:27,582 --> 00:03:30,210 and they're in right field, take a hint. 80 00:03:30,293 --> 00:03:31,502 [audience laughs] 81 00:03:31,586 --> 00:03:33,213 That's another reason I get mad, you know? 82 00:03:33,296 --> 00:03:35,673 'Cause I have these kids on our team, 83 00:03:35,757 --> 00:03:37,508 they don't want to play baseball. 84 00:03:37,592 --> 00:03:41,638 Parents, do not put your kid in something they don't want to do, okay? 85 00:03:41,721 --> 00:03:44,265 Every... Yes. Every year I look at my lineup, 86 00:03:44,349 --> 00:03:47,769 I go, "Bryson again? They signed this poor bastard up again?" 87 00:03:47,852 --> 00:03:48,937 [audience laughs] 88 00:03:49,020 --> 00:03:50,605 I understand finish what you started, 89 00:03:50,688 --> 00:03:53,358 but fuck it, let's torture him another year. 90 00:03:54,776 --> 00:03:58,821 And I don't know what these dads see 'cause I know they don't see what I see. 91 00:03:58,905 --> 00:04:01,574 Every time Bryson goes up to bat, he stands like this. 92 00:04:02,408 --> 00:04:04,744 [audience laughing] 93 00:04:04,827 --> 00:04:07,163 And his dad's over there, "Come on, Bryson!" 94 00:04:07,247 --> 00:04:09,123 I'm like, "Motherfucker, Bryson ain't coming on." 95 00:04:09,207 --> 00:04:10,833 [audience laughs] 96 00:04:10,917 --> 00:04:14,212 He's the only kid on the team that irons his uniform and tucks it in. 97 00:04:14,295 --> 00:04:15,546 [audience laughs] 98 00:04:15,630 --> 00:04:18,174 I asked Bryson if we were getting dirty today and he goes, 99 00:04:18,258 --> 00:04:19,884 "No!" 100 00:04:19,968 --> 00:04:22,470 [audience laughs] 101 00:04:22,553 --> 00:04:25,139 I don't think Bryson's gonna be a baseball player. 102 00:04:25,223 --> 00:04:28,851 There's gonna be balls in his life, they're just not gonna be baseballs, okay? 103 00:04:28,935 --> 00:04:29,769 [audience laughs] 104 00:04:29,852 --> 00:04:31,562 And by... [laughs] 105 00:04:31,646 --> 00:04:33,731 By the way, before you cancel me, 106 00:04:35,149 --> 00:04:37,110 I don't have a problem with Bryson being gay. 107 00:04:37,193 --> 00:04:39,779 This is America. He can be whatever the fuck he wants to be. 108 00:04:39,862 --> 00:04:42,532 - [audience cheers] - Yes. I have... 109 00:04:42,615 --> 00:04:46,369 I have a problem with the dad not seeing what I see. 110 00:04:47,370 --> 00:04:49,622 And I'm a little jealous of Bryson. I am. 111 00:04:50,373 --> 00:04:53,001 He's gonna grow up and have a beautiful life, that Bryson. 112 00:04:53,084 --> 00:04:56,546 I can't imagine how good my life would be with two male incomes. 113 00:04:56,629 --> 00:04:59,257 [audience laughing] 114 00:04:59,340 --> 00:05:00,883 [Steve laughs] 115 00:05:01,592 --> 00:05:02,635 [Steve laughs] 116 00:05:02,719 --> 00:05:04,804 [audience applauding] 117 00:05:04,887 --> 00:05:06,306 But I only... 118 00:05:06,973 --> 00:05:08,725 I only tell you that story 119 00:05:08,808 --> 00:05:11,352 to get to the story where my wife gets involved. 120 00:05:11,436 --> 00:05:12,437 [audience laughs] 121 00:05:12,520 --> 00:05:13,855 Every year's the same. 122 00:05:13,938 --> 00:05:15,815 Every year we do a little something for the boys 123 00:05:15,898 --> 00:05:17,317 at the end of the season, all right? 124 00:05:17,400 --> 00:05:18,735 This year was no different. 125 00:05:18,818 --> 00:05:22,030 I called up my other coach, I said, "Hey, one more practice left." 126 00:05:22,113 --> 00:05:23,906 I said, "Why don't we surprise the boys 127 00:05:23,990 --> 00:05:26,409 with bouncy house and pizza instead of practice?" 128 00:05:26,492 --> 00:05:28,995 He goes, "Great idea, Steve. I'll get the bouncy house, 129 00:05:29,078 --> 00:05:30,204 you get the pizza." 130 00:05:30,288 --> 00:05:32,332 Ladies, we were done planning. 131 00:05:33,499 --> 00:05:35,918 [audience laughing] 132 00:05:40,006 --> 00:05:41,132 [laughs] 133 00:05:42,383 --> 00:05:45,928 And then here comes... here comes my wife. 134 00:05:46,012 --> 00:05:47,472 She goes, "What are you doing?" 135 00:05:47,555 --> 00:05:49,932 I said, "We're doing bouncy house and pizza on Tuesday." 136 00:05:50,016 --> 00:05:53,644 And then she goes, "I don't have time to throw a party on Tuesday." 137 00:05:53,728 --> 00:05:56,773 I said, "Well, it's not a party, it's a bouncy house and pizza." 138 00:05:56,856 --> 00:05:59,734 She says, "I better let the moms know we're gonna have a party on Tuesday." 139 00:05:59,817 --> 00:06:02,612 I said, "There's no party. It is a bouncy house and pizza!" 140 00:06:03,863 --> 00:06:06,741 But that's my wife. Everything has to turn into a thing. 141 00:06:06,824 --> 00:06:08,701 Everything now has to be a party. 142 00:06:08,785 --> 00:06:12,663 There has to be matching baseball plates and baseball tablecloths, 143 00:06:12,747 --> 00:06:14,582 and a baseball balloon arch. 144 00:06:14,665 --> 00:06:15,875 [audience cheering] 145 00:06:15,958 --> 00:06:19,253 And I'm... I'm sorry, ladies, but these are little boys. 146 00:06:19,337 --> 00:06:20,922 They don't give a fuck. 147 00:06:21,005 --> 00:06:22,423 [audience laughs] 148 00:06:22,507 --> 00:06:24,550 Maybe Bryson does, but the rest... 149 00:06:24,634 --> 00:06:26,761 - [audience laughing] - ...don't give a fuck. 150 00:06:28,429 --> 00:06:30,681 And I... And I try. 151 00:06:30,765 --> 00:06:33,101 I try to tell my wife that everything she does, 152 00:06:33,184 --> 00:06:35,019 she does it to herself. 153 00:06:35,603 --> 00:06:37,188 If my wife only understood. 154 00:06:37,271 --> 00:06:40,817 I try to tell her, as men, we are simple people. 155 00:06:40,900 --> 00:06:43,403 Right? I'm very happy watching the football game 156 00:06:43,486 --> 00:06:44,821 on Sunday with my friends, 157 00:06:44,904 --> 00:06:47,949 eating out of a bag of chips and a box of pizza. 158 00:06:48,032 --> 00:06:50,910 And then here she comes with her wooden bowl. 159 00:06:51,786 --> 00:06:55,081 She has to pour the chips in the wooden bowl. 160 00:06:55,164 --> 00:06:58,334 Twenty minutes later, here comes the charcuterie board. 161 00:06:58,418 --> 00:07:00,086 [audience laughs] 162 00:07:00,169 --> 00:07:02,130 And all the cheese is shaped like footballs, 163 00:07:02,213 --> 00:07:05,341 and there's a... a pretzel field goal post. 164 00:07:06,801 --> 00:07:10,096 Don't get me wrong, I like charcuterie boards. I like 'em. 165 00:07:10,179 --> 00:07:13,057 So I'm not mad at her for making me a charcuterie board, okay? 166 00:07:13,141 --> 00:07:16,102 As a matter of fact, I appreciate her for that. 167 00:07:16,185 --> 00:07:17,937 But you know what? You know what I don't like? 168 00:07:18,020 --> 00:07:20,189 Later that night, when she's washing dishes, 169 00:07:20,273 --> 00:07:21,441 fucking mad at me. 170 00:07:21,524 --> 00:07:23,151 [audience laughs] 171 00:07:23,234 --> 00:07:25,820 "I can't believe you did this to me." 172 00:07:26,737 --> 00:07:30,158 "I did this to you? I'm pretty sure you did this to you." 173 00:07:30,241 --> 00:07:31,826 You need to stop being at me 174 00:07:31,909 --> 00:07:34,162 when you throw parties you're not invited to. 175 00:07:34,245 --> 00:07:37,790 [audience laughing] 176 00:07:37,874 --> 00:07:38,833 [Steve laughs] 177 00:07:40,042 --> 00:07:42,253 Not a good time to point at your wife. 178 00:07:42,336 --> 00:07:43,379 [audience chuckles] 179 00:07:43,463 --> 00:07:46,340 On my show, you laugh, you look forward. You laugh... 180 00:07:46,424 --> 00:07:47,300 [audience laughs] 181 00:07:47,383 --> 00:07:48,718 ...you look forward. 182 00:07:49,760 --> 00:07:51,512 Unless you've been married over 15 years. 183 00:07:51,596 --> 00:07:54,265 At that point, laugh in her face. That's a whole nother level. 184 00:07:54,348 --> 00:07:55,641 [audience laughs] 185 00:07:56,267 --> 00:07:58,311 I'm only talking to the men that just got married. 186 00:07:58,394 --> 00:08:01,689 Those of you men that just got married, you do not talk shit to your wife. 187 00:08:02,398 --> 00:08:05,193 You wait for a lot of years to go by, 188 00:08:05,276 --> 00:08:07,361 and you're both out of options. 189 00:08:07,445 --> 00:08:09,697 [audience laughing] 190 00:08:09,780 --> 00:08:13,201 And you'll know too because it's a beautiful feeling of stuck. 191 00:08:13,284 --> 00:08:15,286 [audience chuckles] 192 00:08:15,369 --> 00:08:16,746 There comes a time in your marriage 193 00:08:16,829 --> 00:08:19,248 where you look across the table and just go, "Fuck." 194 00:08:19,332 --> 00:08:21,584 [audience laughs] 195 00:08:21,667 --> 00:08:24,378 It's me and you, man. It's me and you. 196 00:08:24,462 --> 00:08:25,922 [audience and Steve laughing] 197 00:08:28,508 --> 00:08:31,344 There are times that me and my wife are in a... in an argument, 198 00:08:31,427 --> 00:08:33,012 and then we both start laughing. 199 00:08:33,095 --> 00:08:35,431 'Cause she knows I'mma bring it on stage. 200 00:08:35,515 --> 00:08:36,933 [audience laughs] 201 00:08:37,016 --> 00:08:38,684 So here's one of those arguments. 202 00:08:39,227 --> 00:08:42,480 I want to start off by talking to all the wives in the room. 203 00:08:42,563 --> 00:08:44,607 All the wives, I want you to know something. Yep. 204 00:08:44,690 --> 00:08:47,318 - I want you to know something. - [wives cheering] 205 00:08:47,401 --> 00:08:48,736 I want every wife here to know 206 00:08:48,819 --> 00:08:52,615 that when my wife asks me to do something for her, 207 00:08:52,698 --> 00:08:53,741 I just do it. 208 00:08:54,367 --> 00:08:55,618 Yeah. Yeah. 209 00:08:55,701 --> 00:08:57,745 [audience applauding] 210 00:08:57,828 --> 00:09:01,165 She asks me to do it, I do it. No questions asked. And I tell you why. 211 00:09:01,249 --> 00:09:03,918 I love my wife. I have a lot of respect for my wife. 212 00:09:04,001 --> 00:09:07,255 I trust my wife. She is my teammate, and she is my partner. 213 00:09:07,338 --> 00:09:10,174 - Yeah. Yeah. - [audience applauding] 214 00:09:10,258 --> 00:09:11,592 I'm glad you ladies are clapping 215 00:09:11,676 --> 00:09:13,886 'cause I would like to know how come when I ask her 216 00:09:13,970 --> 00:09:15,346 to do something for me, 217 00:09:16,013 --> 00:09:18,599 oh, motherfucker, there's questions! 218 00:09:18,683 --> 00:09:19,767 [audience laughs] 219 00:09:19,850 --> 00:09:22,812 Lots and lots of fucking questions. 220 00:09:22,895 --> 00:09:25,856 Zero respect, zero trust. 221 00:09:25,940 --> 00:09:27,900 [audience laughs] 222 00:09:28,568 --> 00:09:30,278 It's always over something simple. 223 00:09:30,987 --> 00:09:33,447 You know, what happens is I ask her to do something for me 224 00:09:33,531 --> 00:09:35,241 and then she asks a question. 225 00:09:35,324 --> 00:09:37,910 Then I very politely answer that question. 226 00:09:37,994 --> 00:09:39,787 But she doesn't like my answer, 227 00:09:39,870 --> 00:09:42,164 so she rewords her question, 228 00:09:42,248 --> 00:09:44,041 and I give her the same answer. 229 00:09:44,542 --> 00:09:46,586 She doesn't like that answer again, 230 00:09:46,669 --> 00:09:48,671 so she rewords the same question, 231 00:09:49,338 --> 00:09:51,340 and then I lose my fucking shit. 232 00:09:51,424 --> 00:09:52,300 [audience laughs] 233 00:09:52,383 --> 00:09:55,094 And then, somehow, I'm the asshole again. 234 00:09:55,928 --> 00:09:59,807 And I have to hear my wife's, "Oh my God, you're crazy." 235 00:09:59,890 --> 00:10:01,225 [audience laughs] 236 00:10:01,309 --> 00:10:02,476 I'm crazy? 237 00:10:02,560 --> 00:10:07,189 You ask the same question over and over and over again 238 00:10:07,273 --> 00:10:09,358 expecting different results. 239 00:10:09,900 --> 00:10:12,403 That is the definition of crazy. 240 00:10:12,486 --> 00:10:13,779 [audience laughs] 241 00:10:13,863 --> 00:10:16,616 The reason I'm crazy is 'cause you're fucking crazy. 242 00:10:16,699 --> 00:10:19,493 [audience laughs] 243 00:10:19,577 --> 00:10:23,122 And it's always over something simple. 244 00:10:23,831 --> 00:10:27,877 All she has to do is do what I asked like I do for her, and we wouldn't fight. 245 00:10:27,960 --> 00:10:31,297 Right? So we were all... We made plans with two other families 246 00:10:31,380 --> 00:10:34,675 that we were gonna go to the water park together, okay? 247 00:10:34,759 --> 00:10:36,719 The other husband, Jake, from the other family, 248 00:10:36,802 --> 00:10:39,513 he called me up, and he said, "Hey, man, there's a lot of us." 249 00:10:39,597 --> 00:10:41,349 "Why don't we get two cabanas?" 250 00:10:41,432 --> 00:10:44,518 "That way, we have somewhere to sit, and that way, we're all comfortable." 251 00:10:44,602 --> 00:10:45,770 I said, "Great idea." 252 00:10:45,853 --> 00:10:48,272 He said, "We'll get two of 'em, and we'll split it three ways." 253 00:10:48,356 --> 00:10:49,649 I said, "Great idea." 254 00:10:49,732 --> 00:10:51,942 He goes, "We'll get two of 'em, and you book it." 255 00:10:52,026 --> 00:10:54,570 "That way they're together." I said, "No problem." 256 00:10:54,654 --> 00:10:57,323 I went over to my wife to ask her to book the cabanas 257 00:10:57,406 --> 00:11:00,993 because booking cabanas is her department. 258 00:11:01,077 --> 00:11:02,286 [audience chuckles] 259 00:11:02,370 --> 00:11:05,164 So I went over to her, and I said, "Hey, baby, can you book two cabanas?" 260 00:11:05,247 --> 00:11:07,625 And then she goes, "What? Why do we need two cabanas?" 261 00:11:07,708 --> 00:11:09,001 [audience chuckles] 262 00:11:09,085 --> 00:11:14,548 I said, "'Cause I'm asking, pretty girl. Can you please book two cabanas?" 263 00:11:14,632 --> 00:11:15,591 [audience chuckles] 264 00:11:16,175 --> 00:11:18,969 "Are you sure that we need two cabanas?" 265 00:11:19,053 --> 00:11:20,763 "Yeah, it's the second time I've said yes." 266 00:11:20,846 --> 00:11:25,476 "I am sure that we need two cabanas. So, pretty girl, if you could, please, 267 00:11:25,559 --> 00:11:27,436 book two cabanas." 268 00:11:27,520 --> 00:11:30,356 "Well, I don't want to have to pay for two cabanas." 269 00:11:30,439 --> 00:11:32,400 "We're not gonna pay for two cabanas, honey. Okay?" 270 00:11:32,483 --> 00:11:36,612 "We're gonna split it three ways. Can you please book two cabanas?" 271 00:11:36,696 --> 00:11:38,531 "Well, how many people are we gonna have?" 272 00:11:38,614 --> 00:11:41,283 "Because one cabana says it holds ten people." 273 00:11:41,367 --> 00:11:43,077 "Fourteen. We're gonna have fourteen, honey." 274 00:11:43,160 --> 00:11:45,788 "Fourteen is more than ten. You see how that works?" 275 00:11:45,871 --> 00:11:49,083 "Can you please book two cabanas?" 276 00:11:49,166 --> 00:11:54,839 "Well, not all of us are gonna be in the cabana at the same time." 277 00:11:54,922 --> 00:11:56,048 "Are you sure?" 278 00:11:56,132 --> 00:12:00,428 [yelling] "Yes! I'm fucking sure that I need two fucking cabanas!" 279 00:12:00,511 --> 00:12:02,179 [audience applauding] 280 00:12:02,263 --> 00:12:03,097 [Steve chuckles] 281 00:12:04,306 --> 00:12:05,975 And that leads to... 282 00:12:07,143 --> 00:12:09,395 "I don't like the way you're talking to me." 283 00:12:09,478 --> 00:12:11,021 [audience laughs] 284 00:12:11,105 --> 00:12:14,233 "Now there's gonna be 13 'cause..." [mumbles] 285 00:12:14,316 --> 00:12:16,444 [audience laughs] 286 00:12:16,527 --> 00:12:19,739 "I don't know why you have to be such a dick all the time." 287 00:12:19,822 --> 00:12:20,990 [audience laughs] 288 00:12:21,073 --> 00:12:22,992 I said, "Well, it's our horoscope." 289 00:12:23,075 --> 00:12:25,077 [audience laughs] 290 00:12:25,161 --> 00:12:28,289 "I'm a Capricorn, you're whatever the fuck September is." 291 00:12:28,372 --> 00:12:30,624 [audience laughs] 292 00:12:31,959 --> 00:12:33,335 I know she's a Virgo. 293 00:12:34,378 --> 00:12:35,546 - I know. - [audience cheers] 294 00:12:35,629 --> 00:12:39,717 I know why wife's a Virgo. I hear it out of her mouth every day. 295 00:12:39,800 --> 00:12:42,887 She walks around the house, "It's my Virgoness. It's my Virgo..." 296 00:12:42,970 --> 00:12:43,804 [audience chuckles] 297 00:12:43,888 --> 00:12:46,182 "It's 'cause I'm a Virgo." 298 00:12:47,349 --> 00:12:50,728 She makes me laugh too 'cause she says that being a Virgo is special. 299 00:12:50,811 --> 00:12:52,146 That's what she says. 300 00:12:52,229 --> 00:12:56,776 Yeah. There's a lot of Virgos here, right? Yeah, let me hear the Virgos. Yeah. 301 00:12:56,859 --> 00:12:57,693 [audience cheers] 302 00:12:57,777 --> 00:12:58,986 Oh, there's always Virgos 303 00:12:59,069 --> 00:13:02,031 because it is the number one sign. Are you aware of that? 304 00:13:02,114 --> 00:13:04,992 And would you like to know why it's the number one sign? 305 00:13:05,075 --> 00:13:08,454 Because nine months before September is Christmas. 306 00:13:08,537 --> 00:13:10,039 [audience laughs] 307 00:13:10,122 --> 00:13:13,709 That's right. Your dad put together a swing set for your older sibling. 308 00:13:14,668 --> 00:13:16,587 Guess what he got for Christmas. 309 00:13:17,588 --> 00:13:19,089 Some Christmas pussy. 310 00:13:19,173 --> 00:13:21,467 [audience laughs] 311 00:13:21,550 --> 00:13:22,885 Happy New Year! 312 00:13:22,968 --> 00:13:25,471 Bah! Virgo. 313 00:13:25,554 --> 00:13:27,473 [audience laughs] 314 00:13:27,556 --> 00:13:29,725 You're not special. You're an accident. 315 00:13:30,267 --> 00:13:33,479 [audience laughing] 316 00:13:38,984 --> 00:13:41,362 Yes, my wife is a Virgo. 317 00:13:41,445 --> 00:13:42,988 I am a Capricorn. 318 00:13:43,948 --> 00:13:45,699 Now, we have, uh... 319 00:13:45,783 --> 00:13:47,535 We have been together a long time, me and her, 320 00:13:47,618 --> 00:13:51,038 and we have a... a very special love story I'd like to share with you. 321 00:13:51,121 --> 00:13:53,666 We all ended up together someway somehow, right? 322 00:13:53,749 --> 00:13:56,710 How you met your spouse. I will tell you how I met mine. 323 00:13:56,794 --> 00:13:58,629 I have known her my entire life. 324 00:13:58,712 --> 00:14:00,923 Yep. People don't know that about me and my wife. 325 00:14:01,006 --> 00:14:03,259 We grew up together in Gregory-Portland Texas, 326 00:14:03,342 --> 00:14:05,427 near Corpus Christi, Texas. Yep. 327 00:14:05,511 --> 00:14:07,888 [audience applauding] 328 00:14:07,972 --> 00:14:09,557 We both went to the same high school. 329 00:14:09,640 --> 00:14:12,768 I am older than her, so I graduated before her. 330 00:14:12,852 --> 00:14:15,396 I barely graduated from that high school. 331 00:14:15,479 --> 00:14:17,481 Thank God for special classes. 332 00:14:17,565 --> 00:14:19,066 [audience laughs] 333 00:14:19,149 --> 00:14:23,153 She graduated years after me as the valedictorian of that high school. 334 00:14:23,237 --> 00:14:24,154 Yeah. 335 00:14:24,238 --> 00:14:27,116 People like to be impressed with that, and I think that's bullshit. 336 00:14:27,199 --> 00:14:28,701 [audience laughs] 337 00:14:28,784 --> 00:14:32,496 Should've been more impressed with me. It was harder for me to graduate. 338 00:14:32,580 --> 00:14:33,789 [audience laughs] 339 00:14:33,873 --> 00:14:38,002 I didn't even get to change classrooms, so that's pretty good. [chuckling] 340 00:14:38,085 --> 00:14:41,255 [audience chuckling] 341 00:14:41,338 --> 00:14:43,465 It is safe to say that we are complete opposites. 342 00:14:43,549 --> 00:14:44,425 Yes, we are. 343 00:14:44,508 --> 00:14:46,844 Me and my wife are complete opposites. 344 00:14:46,927 --> 00:14:49,638 However, we have been married for a long time. 345 00:14:49,722 --> 00:14:52,391 And I think because we are opposites 346 00:14:52,474 --> 00:14:54,435 and we bring different things to the team, 347 00:14:54,518 --> 00:14:56,353 it makes for a stronger team. 348 00:14:56,437 --> 00:14:59,273 And that is why our marriage is successful. Yes. 349 00:14:59,356 --> 00:15:01,233 - [audience applauding] - Yeah. 350 00:15:01,317 --> 00:15:02,526 For example, 351 00:15:03,110 --> 00:15:05,779 I come up with great ideas, 352 00:15:06,363 --> 00:15:08,324 and then she shits on them. 353 00:15:08,407 --> 00:15:10,200 [audience laughs] 354 00:15:10,284 --> 00:15:14,038 And together, as a team, she decides that I'm a fucking idiot. 355 00:15:14,997 --> 00:15:17,875 And then three months later, she rewords my idea, 356 00:15:17,958 --> 00:15:21,670 and now it's a badass idea. It's... [mumbles] 357 00:15:21,754 --> 00:15:23,923 'Cause she's so smart. Yeah. 358 00:15:24,715 --> 00:15:26,216 Yeah. [chuckles] 359 00:15:26,300 --> 00:15:27,968 I am a... I'm laid back, man. 360 00:15:28,052 --> 00:15:30,137 I'm a go-with-the-flow kind of guy. That's me. 361 00:15:30,220 --> 00:15:32,848 I'm a, "Fuck it. Don't worry about it. We'll figure it out." 362 00:15:32,932 --> 00:15:34,934 That's how I live my life. Yup. 363 00:15:35,017 --> 00:15:37,353 Very simple. I go with the flow, baby. 364 00:15:37,436 --> 00:15:39,313 I'm like a palm tree. I stand tall, 365 00:15:39,396 --> 00:15:42,358 but I go with the fucking flow. You know what I mean? 366 00:15:42,441 --> 00:15:43,484 I don't break. 367 00:15:44,026 --> 00:15:46,403 Now my wife, oh, my wife is organized. 368 00:15:46,487 --> 00:15:47,988 My wife has a label maker, 369 00:15:48,072 --> 00:15:51,867 and she walks around the house labeling where shit goes. 370 00:15:51,951 --> 00:15:55,329 God forbid I put my baseball hat on the end table that night. 371 00:15:55,412 --> 00:15:57,957 Oh, the wheels fall off at our house. 372 00:15:58,540 --> 00:16:01,293 "Does your hat go there? Why is your hat there?" 373 00:16:01,377 --> 00:16:04,630 "It doesn't say hat. It says lamp, and it says clock." 374 00:16:04,713 --> 00:16:06,006 "It doesn't say hat." 375 00:16:06,090 --> 00:16:09,468 "I made a container for your hat, and I labeled it hat." 376 00:16:09,551 --> 00:16:11,136 "There is a hat container." 377 00:16:11,220 --> 00:16:14,306 "There's a fucking container that says hat in the closet." 378 00:16:14,390 --> 00:16:16,225 "Put it in the hat container." 379 00:16:17,226 --> 00:16:19,478 Motherfucker, she loves containers. 380 00:16:19,561 --> 00:16:20,562 [audience laughs] 381 00:16:20,646 --> 00:16:22,773 Oh, my wife has a container 382 00:16:22,856 --> 00:16:25,317 full of containers that she labeled "Container." 383 00:16:25,401 --> 00:16:26,735 [audience laughs] 384 00:16:26,819 --> 00:16:29,989 My wife will go out, and she will buy new containers 385 00:16:30,072 --> 00:16:31,865 to replace containers she already bought 386 00:16:31,949 --> 00:16:35,077 because, fuck it, let's light money on fire. 387 00:16:35,160 --> 00:16:37,788 [audience laughs] 388 00:16:37,871 --> 00:16:40,582 They made a whole store for my wife. It's called "The Container Store." 389 00:16:40,666 --> 00:16:41,625 [audience cheers] 390 00:16:41,709 --> 00:16:44,670 And she will come home from The Container Store with 68 containers, 391 00:16:44,753 --> 00:16:47,297 and it is the best day of her life. 392 00:16:47,381 --> 00:16:49,383 She comes home excited. 393 00:16:49,466 --> 00:16:51,468 "Look at my containers!" 394 00:16:52,386 --> 00:16:54,972 "Babe, I can't wait to spend the next six days 395 00:16:55,055 --> 00:16:57,725 organizing and labeling containers." 396 00:16:57,808 --> 00:17:00,227 "And then I'm gonna go to the grocery store." 397 00:17:00,310 --> 00:17:02,771 "I'm gonna buy things that already come in containers." 398 00:17:02,855 --> 00:17:04,314 "I'm gonna bring those things home, 399 00:17:04,398 --> 00:17:06,108 I'm gonna take 'em out of those containers, 400 00:17:06,191 --> 00:17:08,652 and I'm gonna put them in pretty labeled containers." 401 00:17:08,736 --> 00:17:12,197 "And then I'm gonna walk around the house bitching and complaining 402 00:17:12,281 --> 00:17:15,534 about all the fucking work I created for myself." 403 00:17:15,617 --> 00:17:19,163 [audience laughing] 404 00:17:22,666 --> 00:17:24,001 And I'm the crazy one. 405 00:17:25,127 --> 00:17:26,754 Every day, she walks around our house, 406 00:17:26,837 --> 00:17:29,423 "I can't! It's too much. It's too much. It's too much." 407 00:17:30,132 --> 00:17:33,010 "I can't. I can't. I can't. It's too much. It's too much." 408 00:17:33,093 --> 00:17:36,638 And I'm just sitting on the couch going, "Well, fucking don't." 409 00:17:36,722 --> 00:17:38,515 [audience laughs] 410 00:17:38,599 --> 00:17:40,559 I don't make her do that. 411 00:17:41,143 --> 00:17:43,812 Everything she does, she does it to herself. 412 00:17:44,396 --> 00:17:46,440 She acts like I came home one day, 413 00:17:46,523 --> 00:17:48,942 went in the pantry, grabbed the oatmeal, and said, 414 00:17:49,026 --> 00:17:51,111 "Bitch, is this in its original container?" 415 00:17:51,195 --> 00:17:52,696 [audience laughs] 416 00:17:52,780 --> 00:17:54,698 I don't fucking think so. 417 00:17:55,324 --> 00:17:59,578 You find a store that sells containers, and you get that shit over here right now. 418 00:18:00,496 --> 00:18:03,082 I want this house to look like a biology lab. 419 00:18:03,165 --> 00:18:04,291 [audience laughs] 420 00:18:04,374 --> 00:18:06,668 And nobody needs to know when this expires 421 00:18:06,752 --> 00:18:08,295 or the nutritional facts. 422 00:18:08,378 --> 00:18:11,298 [audience laughing] 423 00:18:11,381 --> 00:18:14,218 She's a hoarder. Oh, my wife's a hoarder. 424 00:18:15,010 --> 00:18:18,806 Not me, man. I'm fuck it. Throw it away. Give it away. That's me. 425 00:18:18,889 --> 00:18:21,642 Not my wife. "I'mma sell it. I'mma sell it. I'mma sell it." 426 00:18:21,725 --> 00:18:22,768 [audience laughs] 427 00:18:22,851 --> 00:18:25,187 "No, babe. I'mma sell it!" 428 00:18:25,270 --> 00:18:30,025 "Put it in the garage with 50 other things I said I was gonna sell and never did." 429 00:18:30,818 --> 00:18:31,985 "I'mma sell it." 430 00:18:32,069 --> 00:18:32,903 [audience cheering] 431 00:18:33,487 --> 00:18:36,907 "Babe, I made two trash bags full 432 00:18:36,990 --> 00:18:39,368 of clothes that we no longer wear." 433 00:18:39,451 --> 00:18:42,037 "I need you to put those in the back of my car 434 00:18:42,121 --> 00:18:45,040 so I can drive around for two years with that shit back there." 435 00:18:45,124 --> 00:18:50,295 [audience laughing, cheering] 436 00:18:50,379 --> 00:18:52,923 That shit is out of style by the time she donates it. 437 00:18:53,006 --> 00:18:54,258 [audience laughs] 438 00:18:55,300 --> 00:18:58,095 I wait for her not to be home. I load that shit in my truck. 439 00:18:58,178 --> 00:19:00,681 I go to Goodwill, and I go, "Fuck it." 440 00:19:00,764 --> 00:19:02,349 [audience laughs] 441 00:19:02,432 --> 00:19:04,101 Then I go to the ATM machine. 442 00:19:04,184 --> 00:19:07,104 I take 500 dollars out, and I go, "Here, baby. I sold it." 443 00:19:07,187 --> 00:19:10,399 [audience laughing] 444 00:19:10,482 --> 00:19:12,359 And then she shits on me again. 445 00:19:12,442 --> 00:19:14,194 "Is that all you got?" 446 00:19:14,278 --> 00:19:16,613 [audience laughs] 447 00:19:16,697 --> 00:19:20,659 "For all that stuff you got 500 dollars?" 448 00:19:21,493 --> 00:19:23,412 "What were you thinking?" 449 00:19:23,495 --> 00:19:24,746 [audience laughs] 450 00:19:24,830 --> 00:19:27,332 "Well, baby, I don't think, honey. Special needs." 451 00:19:27,416 --> 00:19:29,835 [audience laughs] 452 00:19:29,918 --> 00:19:31,003 "You're the best." 453 00:19:32,171 --> 00:19:36,508 My wife... Her ability to not make mistakes, that is talent. My wife has talent. 454 00:19:37,134 --> 00:19:38,886 That woman is perfect. 455 00:19:39,761 --> 00:19:41,346 Oh, she never fucks up. 456 00:19:41,430 --> 00:19:42,264 [audience laughs] 457 00:19:42,347 --> 00:19:44,141 She'll argue with the GPS. 458 00:19:44,224 --> 00:19:45,184 [audience laughs] 459 00:19:45,767 --> 00:19:48,854 "Why did you turn there?" I'm like, "I don't know. NASA told me to." 460 00:19:48,937 --> 00:19:50,314 [audience laughs] 461 00:19:50,397 --> 00:19:51,440 "Well, that's not faster." 462 00:19:51,523 --> 00:19:53,775 "Fuck no, baby. Tell me how to get there." 463 00:19:53,859 --> 00:19:56,361 [audience laughs] 464 00:19:56,445 --> 00:19:58,655 [laughs] 465 00:20:01,033 --> 00:20:03,911 So I graduated from Gregory-Portland High School, 466 00:20:03,994 --> 00:20:05,370 and I wanted to be a comedian. 467 00:20:05,454 --> 00:20:08,916 So I drove out to Los Angeles, California to start my career. 468 00:20:08,999 --> 00:20:11,460 She graduated as the valedictorian, the homecoming queen, 469 00:20:11,543 --> 00:20:13,212 the fucking everything queen. 470 00:20:13,295 --> 00:20:17,257 She ended up with this full scholarship to go to NYU in New York City. 471 00:20:17,341 --> 00:20:19,301 She goes to New York, I go to Los Angeles. 472 00:20:19,384 --> 00:20:21,762 Now you're thinking to yourself, "Well, how did the two of you 473 00:20:21,845 --> 00:20:22,888 end up together?" 474 00:20:22,971 --> 00:20:25,182 Well, I went home to visit my parents, 475 00:20:25,265 --> 00:20:28,977 and me and my dad were drinking and driving around town like we do and... 476 00:20:29,061 --> 00:20:29,895 [audience laughs] 477 00:20:29,978 --> 00:20:33,565 Everybody relax. I was driving, he was drinking, okay? 478 00:20:33,649 --> 00:20:35,192 Later on, we switched, but... 479 00:20:35,275 --> 00:20:36,902 - [audience laughs] - [laughs] 480 00:20:36,985 --> 00:20:38,862 Everybody relax 'cause were Texans. 481 00:20:38,946 --> 00:20:40,906 We weren't really drinking. It was just beer. 482 00:20:40,989 --> 00:20:42,741 [audience applauding] 483 00:20:42,824 --> 00:20:43,992 [laughing] 484 00:20:44,076 --> 00:20:46,078 [audience continues applauding] 485 00:20:47,621 --> 00:20:48,789 [chuckles] 486 00:20:48,872 --> 00:20:53,210 We decided to stop at the post office, and that is where we ran into her father. 487 00:20:53,293 --> 00:20:55,420 I am not surprised that we ran into her father there. 488 00:20:55,504 --> 00:20:56,546 He works there. 489 00:20:56,630 --> 00:20:59,049 There's three employees. He's one of them. 490 00:20:59,132 --> 00:21:00,550 [audience chuckles] 491 00:21:00,634 --> 00:21:03,720 I also want to make it very clear in this story that everybody understands 492 00:21:03,804 --> 00:21:05,264 that I did not go up to him. 493 00:21:05,347 --> 00:21:07,015 He came up to me. 494 00:21:07,099 --> 00:21:09,643 And he said, "Steve, I've been looking for you." 495 00:21:09,726 --> 00:21:12,312 He said, "My daughter's gonna be in Los Angeles starting next week 496 00:21:12,396 --> 00:21:13,397 for the next four months." 497 00:21:13,480 --> 00:21:15,565 "I'm very worried about my baby girl." 498 00:21:15,649 --> 00:21:17,651 "And I don't know anybody that lives there but you." 499 00:21:17,734 --> 00:21:19,653 "I would like to ask you, Steve, 500 00:21:19,736 --> 00:21:22,698 to please be there for my daughter if she needs you." 501 00:21:22,781 --> 00:21:25,284 He wrote her phone number down on a little piece of paper 502 00:21:25,367 --> 00:21:26,660 and he handed it to me. 503 00:21:26,743 --> 00:21:28,578 I thought to myself, "Wow." 504 00:21:28,662 --> 00:21:31,540 "I knew I was gonna fuck her. I didn't know you were gonna hook it up." 505 00:21:31,623 --> 00:21:34,918 [audience laughing] 506 00:21:38,130 --> 00:21:39,256 I didn't say that. 507 00:21:39,339 --> 00:21:40,424 [audience chuckles] 508 00:21:40,507 --> 00:21:42,509 What came out of my mouth was more like Allstate. 509 00:21:42,592 --> 00:21:44,344 I go, "She's in good hands." 510 00:21:44,428 --> 00:21:47,306 [audience laughs] 511 00:21:48,348 --> 00:21:51,059 And I'm sorry I said that, ladies, but that is the truth. 512 00:21:51,768 --> 00:21:53,645 I know you're thinking to yourself, "Wow, Steve." 513 00:21:53,729 --> 00:21:56,440 "I thought you and Renae started a little more romantic than that." 514 00:21:56,523 --> 00:21:57,858 No, no, no, no, no. 515 00:21:57,941 --> 00:21:59,234 [audience chuckles] 516 00:21:59,318 --> 00:22:00,152 Ladies, I'm sorry, 517 00:22:00,235 --> 00:22:03,447 but that guy that you met that took you candle making and antiquing, 518 00:22:03,530 --> 00:22:05,073 he only did that to get laid. 519 00:22:05,157 --> 00:22:07,075 [audience laughs] 520 00:22:07,159 --> 00:22:08,577 Yeah, that's why he did it. 521 00:22:08,660 --> 00:22:11,246 'Cause he got what he wanted, and you got what you wanted. 522 00:22:11,830 --> 00:22:14,833 You know what? I'm proud of you ladies because all the other women before you, 523 00:22:14,916 --> 00:22:17,669 they left 'cause they thought they could do better, but not you. 524 00:22:17,753 --> 00:22:19,379 [audience laughs] 525 00:22:20,756 --> 00:22:22,591 You saw a fixer-upper. 526 00:22:22,674 --> 00:22:26,678 [audience laughing] 527 00:22:27,429 --> 00:22:30,349 People ask me all the time. They go, "Steve, why do you put up with it?" 528 00:22:30,432 --> 00:22:33,977 Well, I'm a below-average man married to an above-average woman. 529 00:22:34,519 --> 00:22:36,563 And I work my ass off to keep her. 530 00:22:36,646 --> 00:22:38,482 Just like he does, ladies. 531 00:22:38,565 --> 00:22:41,443 So tonight, remember why he fell in love with you 532 00:22:41,526 --> 00:22:43,445 and give him a little some of that tonight. 533 00:22:43,528 --> 00:22:45,822 [audience laughing, applauding] 534 00:22:47,074 --> 00:22:48,992 Please, help him out. 535 00:22:50,994 --> 00:22:53,872 I'll be honest with you, man. I didn't think I even had a chance. 536 00:22:53,955 --> 00:22:56,625 That girl is beautiful, smart, and classy. 537 00:22:56,708 --> 00:23:00,253 And all the other girls I dated before her had glitter on their tits. 538 00:23:00,337 --> 00:23:02,839 [audience laughs] 539 00:23:03,465 --> 00:23:05,342 But I am dumb and ambitious. 540 00:23:06,009 --> 00:23:08,053 And when you are dumb and ambitious, 541 00:23:08,136 --> 00:23:09,763 you become very successful. 542 00:23:10,305 --> 00:23:12,057 I called her up. It was a Wednesday night. 543 00:23:12,140 --> 00:23:14,643 I'll never forget. It was her first day in town. 544 00:23:14,726 --> 00:23:17,646 I found out that night that she was gonna share one hotel room 545 00:23:17,729 --> 00:23:20,148 with six other people for the next four months. 546 00:23:20,232 --> 00:23:21,483 I told her not to do that. 547 00:23:21,566 --> 00:23:23,944 I said I'm going on the road to do comedy tomorrow. 548 00:23:24,027 --> 00:23:25,445 I will be gone for four days. 549 00:23:25,529 --> 00:23:28,115 You can stay in my apartment and be comfortable. 550 00:23:28,198 --> 00:23:29,533 Nobody will be here but you. 551 00:23:29,616 --> 00:23:32,619 I came back four days later. She was in my apartment. 552 00:23:32,702 --> 00:23:34,037 Now here's what freaked me out. 553 00:23:34,121 --> 00:23:35,122 She cleaned it. 554 00:23:35,205 --> 00:23:36,665 [audience laughs] 555 00:23:36,748 --> 00:23:38,959 Other girls stayed. They never cleaned it. 556 00:23:39,543 --> 00:23:41,586 They stole some shit, but they never cleaned it. 557 00:23:41,670 --> 00:23:42,963 [audience laughs] 558 00:23:43,046 --> 00:23:45,882 And I'm talking about for real clean. Fabuloso clean. 559 00:23:45,966 --> 00:23:51,847 I'm talking about, like, this girl swept and mopped and vacuumed. 560 00:23:51,930 --> 00:23:55,183 She washed the sheets on my bed, which had never been done before. 561 00:23:55,267 --> 00:23:56,226 [audience laughs] 562 00:23:56,309 --> 00:23:58,228 They were still covered in glitter. 563 00:23:58,311 --> 00:23:59,980 [audience laughs] 564 00:24:00,063 --> 00:24:02,357 But after she cleaned my house, I thought to myself, 565 00:24:02,441 --> 00:24:04,901 "Oh my God. I'mma marry this girl." 566 00:24:06,027 --> 00:24:08,363 And that's the last time she cleaned our house. 567 00:24:08,447 --> 00:24:10,323 [audience laughs] 568 00:24:10,407 --> 00:24:11,450 [laughs] 569 00:24:11,533 --> 00:24:14,327 [audience applauding] 570 00:24:15,454 --> 00:24:18,123 It was me and her the next four months. She never left. 571 00:24:18,206 --> 00:24:20,459 We hung out every single day. 572 00:24:20,542 --> 00:24:23,795 At the end of the four months, she said, "I gotta go back to NYU." 573 00:24:23,879 --> 00:24:25,881 "Do me a favor." I said, "Anything." 574 00:24:25,964 --> 00:24:28,633 She goes, "Don't tell anybody from back home that we're dating." 575 00:24:28,717 --> 00:24:31,136 [audience laughs] 576 00:24:31,219 --> 00:24:32,929 I didn't even know we were dating. 577 00:24:33,013 --> 00:24:34,431 [audience laughs] 578 00:24:34,514 --> 00:24:36,183 She goes, "Keep our secret." 579 00:24:36,266 --> 00:24:38,143 "I don't want my dad to hear from somebody else." 580 00:24:38,226 --> 00:24:41,188 "Because if he hears from somebody else, he's gonna have a heart attack." 581 00:24:41,271 --> 00:24:43,773 She goes, "We will tell them when we go home for Christmas." 582 00:24:43,857 --> 00:24:44,983 I said, "Okay." 583 00:24:45,066 --> 00:24:46,860 I tried to keep the secret, 584 00:24:46,943 --> 00:24:48,612 but my dad was asking questions. 585 00:24:49,696 --> 00:24:51,823 "What's going on with, uh, Raymond's daughter?" 586 00:24:51,907 --> 00:24:53,617 I said, "Nothing, Dad. Nothing's going on." 587 00:24:53,700 --> 00:24:55,994 "Bullshit nothing's going on." 588 00:24:56,077 --> 00:24:57,412 I said, "Dad, nothing's going on." 589 00:24:57,496 --> 00:24:59,998 He goes, "You're fucking her." I said, "Yes. Yes, I am. Yes, yes." 590 00:25:00,081 --> 00:25:02,167 [audience laughs] 591 00:25:02,250 --> 00:25:04,002 He goes, "I knew you would, son." 592 00:25:04,794 --> 00:25:06,963 "Listen, they all go dumpster diving." 593 00:25:07,047 --> 00:25:08,965 [audience laughs] 594 00:25:09,049 --> 00:25:11,134 He goes, "That's where your mother met me." 595 00:25:11,218 --> 00:25:12,844 [audience laughs] 596 00:25:12,928 --> 00:25:15,222 I said, "Dad, please keep a secret." 597 00:25:15,305 --> 00:25:17,474 "We're gonna tell everybody over Christmas." 598 00:25:17,557 --> 00:25:19,935 But I didn't help my dad keep the secret, okay? 599 00:25:20,018 --> 00:25:21,603 See, I love baseball. 600 00:25:21,686 --> 00:25:24,523 I travel this great country of ours, I go to baseball games. 601 00:25:24,606 --> 00:25:25,899 I miss my dad. 602 00:25:25,982 --> 00:25:28,068 So I always buy him a hat from the home team, 603 00:25:28,151 --> 00:25:29,653 and I mail it to him, right? 604 00:25:29,736 --> 00:25:32,864 So I had gone to New York to visit her. I went to Yankee Stadium. 605 00:25:32,948 --> 00:25:34,241 I bought him a hat. 606 00:25:34,324 --> 00:25:36,743 I asked her to mail it to my dad. 607 00:25:36,826 --> 00:25:38,870 She put her return address. 608 00:25:39,579 --> 00:25:40,789 Some of you remember 609 00:25:40,872 --> 00:25:42,916 that there are three employees at that post office. 610 00:25:42,999 --> 00:25:44,501 [audience laughs] 611 00:25:44,584 --> 00:25:46,628 Her father is one of them. 612 00:25:46,711 --> 00:25:50,590 My dad gets there to pick up his mail, and her dad is holding the box. 613 00:25:50,674 --> 00:25:53,969 He says, "Why are you getting mail from my daughter?" 614 00:25:54,052 --> 00:25:56,513 And my dad goes, "Well, Steve's fucking her." And he left. 615 00:25:56,596 --> 00:25:59,808 - [audience laughing] - [chuckles] 616 00:25:59,891 --> 00:26:01,601 That's how he found out. 617 00:26:03,103 --> 00:26:05,230 We're all laughing now, but shit was bad, man. 618 00:26:05,313 --> 00:26:06,439 [audience chuckles] 619 00:26:06,523 --> 00:26:09,985 I mean, he did not have a heart attack, but he did get Bell's palsy. 620 00:26:10,068 --> 00:26:10,902 [audience laughs] 621 00:26:10,986 --> 00:26:13,071 For those of you that don't know what Bell's palsy is, 622 00:26:13,154 --> 00:26:15,532 that's when half of your face no longer works. 623 00:26:15,615 --> 00:26:18,368 I have to go home for Christmas, 624 00:26:18,451 --> 00:26:20,287 sit down in front of this man, 625 00:26:20,370 --> 00:26:23,206 and let him know that I am now the boyfriend of his daughter, 626 00:26:23,290 --> 00:26:25,041 and he gave me the number. 627 00:26:25,125 --> 00:26:27,294 And half is face is not working. 628 00:26:27,377 --> 00:26:28,712 [audience laughs] 629 00:26:28,795 --> 00:26:31,506 And I am a comedian. I don't need this shit. 630 00:26:31,590 --> 00:26:32,799 [audience laughs] 631 00:26:32,882 --> 00:26:35,760 The only way I know how to make friends is to make jokes. 632 00:26:36,469 --> 00:26:38,680 We sat down together, and he goes, "I'm still mad at you." 633 00:26:38,763 --> 00:26:40,515 And all that came out of my mouth was, 634 00:26:40,599 --> 00:26:42,726 "Well, you should tell the other side of your face." 635 00:26:42,809 --> 00:26:46,896 [audience laughing] 636 00:26:48,356 --> 00:26:51,985 Six months into her living with me, I got Bell's palsy. 637 00:26:52,068 --> 00:26:53,111 [audience chuckles] 638 00:26:53,194 --> 00:26:56,114 Oh, her father called up right away. He goes, "That's what you get." 639 00:26:56,197 --> 00:26:57,657 "Karma. It's karma!" 640 00:26:58,325 --> 00:27:00,827 I said, "I don't think it's karma. I think it's your daughter." 641 00:27:00,910 --> 00:27:02,537 [audience laughs] 642 00:27:02,621 --> 00:27:05,624 "I think your daughter gives men that love her Bell's palsy." 643 00:27:07,459 --> 00:27:09,085 'Cause I made a mistake. 644 00:27:09,169 --> 00:27:11,463 And that mistake is I married a beautiful woman. 645 00:27:11,546 --> 00:27:14,341 Beautiful women are a pain in the fucking ass. 646 00:27:14,424 --> 00:27:15,592 [audience laughs] 647 00:27:15,675 --> 00:27:18,803 They are expensive, they are takers, and they are selfish. 648 00:27:19,763 --> 00:27:23,725 If I could do it all over, I'd marry a chubby six with a good personality. 649 00:27:23,808 --> 00:27:25,393 [audience laughing] 650 00:27:26,227 --> 00:27:27,979 Those are givers. 651 00:27:29,773 --> 00:27:33,985 And as I say it out loud, I realize that's exactly what she did. 652 00:27:34,069 --> 00:27:37,906 [audience laughs] 653 00:27:39,032 --> 00:27:40,992 Don't laugh, fellas. I can see most of you. 654 00:27:41,076 --> 00:27:44,746 - [audience continues laughing] - [Steve chuckles] 655 00:27:44,829 --> 00:27:46,706 Me and my wife, man, we're the complete opposite. 656 00:27:46,790 --> 00:27:47,874 That's no bullshit. 657 00:27:47,957 --> 00:27:52,003 We are the complete opposite, and we never, ever, ever agree. 658 00:27:52,087 --> 00:27:54,339 As a matter of fact, my wife told me one time that 659 00:27:54,422 --> 00:27:57,217 she would agree with me, but then we would both be wrong. 660 00:27:57,300 --> 00:27:59,636 [audience laughs] 661 00:28:00,387 --> 00:28:03,390 Oh, sometimes she agrees with me, and it fucks me up. 662 00:28:04,808 --> 00:28:06,309 It does. She'll be like, "That sounds great." 663 00:28:06,393 --> 00:28:08,353 I'm like, "What the fuck is going on?" 664 00:28:08,436 --> 00:28:09,521 [audience laughs] 665 00:28:09,604 --> 00:28:12,107 "Well, if you want to do that and be happy, you should." 666 00:28:12,190 --> 00:28:14,150 And I'm like, "Oh, no, no, no, no, no." 667 00:28:15,568 --> 00:28:17,862 "I don't want to be happy. I want to be with you." 668 00:28:17,946 --> 00:28:20,532 [audience laughs] 669 00:28:22,492 --> 00:28:23,993 Now we're raising kids together. 670 00:28:24,577 --> 00:28:26,621 Oh man. We got an eight-year-old and a three-year-old. 671 00:28:26,705 --> 00:28:27,831 Let me tell you something. 672 00:28:27,914 --> 00:28:30,041 Our life has changed a lot. 673 00:28:30,125 --> 00:28:32,419 And I love being a dad. There's no doubt about it. 674 00:28:32,502 --> 00:28:35,380 Every single day, I love being a dad. Yup. 675 00:28:35,463 --> 00:28:37,257 [audience applauding] 676 00:28:37,340 --> 00:28:41,678 And I love my kids with everything I got, but they wear me out. 677 00:28:41,761 --> 00:28:42,637 [audience chuckles] 678 00:28:42,721 --> 00:28:45,807 And the only way I can get them to stop moving is that tablet. 679 00:28:45,890 --> 00:28:47,183 I need that tablet. 680 00:28:47,267 --> 00:28:48,101 [audience laughs] 681 00:28:48,184 --> 00:28:51,855 And my wife's a Virgo. "There's a schedule and a calendar." 682 00:28:52,564 --> 00:28:54,941 "There's rules. There are rules." 683 00:28:55,024 --> 00:28:59,320 My poor kids are only allowed 30 minutes a day, twice a day. That is it. 684 00:28:59,404 --> 00:29:01,197 And I need those 30 minutes. 685 00:29:01,990 --> 00:29:03,908 And I sit those kids down, I give them the tablet, 686 00:29:03,992 --> 00:29:06,327 and I say, "Here, I love you both, but please..." 687 00:29:07,203 --> 00:29:09,873 "I got 30 minutes to fuck your mom." 688 00:29:09,956 --> 00:29:12,208 [audience laughs] 689 00:29:12,292 --> 00:29:13,877 Twenty-eight to convince her. 690 00:29:13,960 --> 00:29:16,254 [audience laughs] 691 00:29:16,337 --> 00:29:17,464 [laughs] 692 00:29:17,547 --> 00:29:19,132 I know it's Sunday after church, 693 00:29:19,215 --> 00:29:21,301 but if I don't do it now, it's not gonna happen. 694 00:29:21,384 --> 00:29:22,635 [audience laughs] 695 00:29:23,219 --> 00:29:26,097 I'm not afraid to admit it. We're day-fuckers, okay? 696 00:29:26,181 --> 00:29:28,308 I'm not saying we don't try to have sex at night. 697 00:29:28,391 --> 00:29:30,393 I'm just saying sometimes we don't make it. 698 00:29:30,477 --> 00:29:31,436 [audience laughs] 699 00:29:31,519 --> 00:29:32,896 And that's also not fair to me. 700 00:29:32,979 --> 00:29:36,733 I am not in charge of the sexual activities in our home. 701 00:29:36,816 --> 00:29:40,069 My wife is in charge of all sexual activities. 702 00:29:40,695 --> 00:29:41,571 I am the husband. 703 00:29:41,654 --> 00:29:45,241 My job is to have the dick on deck at all times. That's my job, okay? 704 00:29:45,325 --> 00:29:47,118 [audience applauding] 705 00:29:47,202 --> 00:29:51,122 I don't know when she's gonna need it, but it's always readily available. 706 00:29:51,873 --> 00:29:53,500 I've never said no. 707 00:29:54,167 --> 00:29:58,588 Sometimes in the morning she'll flash me, and I'm like, "I got dick. Right here." 708 00:29:58,671 --> 00:30:00,423 - [audience laughs] - [chuckles] 709 00:30:00,507 --> 00:30:02,383 And she'll go, "Tonight." 710 00:30:02,467 --> 00:30:04,594 [audience laughing] 711 00:30:04,677 --> 00:30:05,553 "For real?" 712 00:30:06,763 --> 00:30:08,389 "Man, don't fuck with me. For real?" 713 00:30:08,473 --> 00:30:09,849 [audience continue laughing] 714 00:30:09,933 --> 00:30:11,935 "Show me the schedule. Is it in the schedule?" 715 00:30:12,018 --> 00:30:13,353 [audience laughs] 716 00:30:13,436 --> 00:30:15,688 [chuckles] 717 00:30:16,856 --> 00:30:18,358 And it's in the schedule. 718 00:30:19,108 --> 00:30:21,236 And I'm into it, and she's into it, 719 00:30:21,319 --> 00:30:24,656 and then the night comes, and we're both real quiet in our bed. 720 00:30:25,490 --> 00:30:27,283 I already have my PAP machine on. 721 00:30:27,367 --> 00:30:30,203 [exhaling loudly] 722 00:30:31,454 --> 00:30:33,748 I love my wife. She's not a quitter. 723 00:30:33,832 --> 00:30:35,583 "I said I would." 724 00:30:35,667 --> 00:30:37,210 [audience laughs] 725 00:30:37,293 --> 00:30:39,712 Just the saddest I ever hear her. 726 00:30:39,796 --> 00:30:41,548 [audience continues laughing] 727 00:30:41,631 --> 00:30:44,551 "If you want to, I will." 728 00:30:44,634 --> 00:30:46,261 [audience laughs] 729 00:30:46,344 --> 00:30:49,055 I talk shit back. [grumbling] 730 00:30:50,431 --> 00:30:54,352 [grumbling] 731 00:30:56,646 --> 00:30:58,481 I gotta wear that stupid thing! 732 00:30:59,566 --> 00:31:01,442 Captain Evil made me do a sleep study. 733 00:31:01,526 --> 00:31:04,487 I found out I was dying 49 and a half times at night. 734 00:31:04,571 --> 00:31:06,865 [audience laughs] 735 00:31:06,948 --> 00:31:08,950 You laugh, but I would wake up scared, man. 736 00:31:09,033 --> 00:31:11,786 [groans] 737 00:31:12,662 --> 00:31:16,583 And then my wife, "Oh my God. Every time you die, you wake me up." 738 00:31:16,666 --> 00:31:18,585 [audience laughs] 739 00:31:18,668 --> 00:31:20,962 "How many times are you gonna die tonight?" 740 00:31:22,088 --> 00:31:24,757 "I kicked you, I rolled you over." 741 00:31:24,841 --> 00:31:26,885 "I put a pillow on your face." 742 00:31:27,677 --> 00:31:29,053 "Go die in the other room." 743 00:31:29,137 --> 00:31:30,138 [audience laughs] 744 00:31:30,221 --> 00:31:31,264 "Well, then, die quiet." 745 00:31:31,347 --> 00:31:34,350 "Because if you wake me up again, I'm gonna kill you myself." 746 00:31:35,059 --> 00:31:36,978 "Don't you know that I'm more tired than you?" 747 00:31:37,061 --> 00:31:38,897 "Because I do everything." 748 00:31:38,980 --> 00:31:41,649 [audience laughing] 749 00:31:44,235 --> 00:31:45,361 My wife says that. 750 00:31:46,321 --> 00:31:48,072 My wife walks around the house talking shit. 751 00:31:48,156 --> 00:31:50,575 "I do everything. I'm exhausted." 752 00:31:51,451 --> 00:31:53,912 "From doing everything, I'm so tired." 753 00:31:56,456 --> 00:31:58,791 She's the only one in our house allowed to be tired. 754 00:31:59,959 --> 00:32:01,169 I tried it one time. 755 00:32:01,836 --> 00:32:03,546 I go,"Babe, can I have a second? I'm tired." 756 00:32:03,630 --> 00:32:04,923 "From what?" 757 00:32:05,006 --> 00:32:05,965 [audience laughs] 758 00:32:06,049 --> 00:32:08,259 "You're tired from what?" 759 00:32:08,343 --> 00:32:10,053 Shit, my bad, man. 760 00:32:10,637 --> 00:32:13,222 I'll have a cup of coffee and a whiskey and shut the fuck up. 761 00:32:13,306 --> 00:32:15,516 - [audience laughs] - [chuckles] 762 00:32:19,020 --> 00:32:20,772 It's hard to raise kids, man. 763 00:32:22,065 --> 00:32:24,233 And it's hard because of TikTok. 764 00:32:24,317 --> 00:32:25,693 [audience chuckles] 765 00:32:25,777 --> 00:32:27,612 Instagram, right? 766 00:32:27,695 --> 00:32:29,030 They watch this shit, man, 767 00:32:29,113 --> 00:32:32,241 and they have no idea what the American dream is anymore. 768 00:32:32,325 --> 00:32:36,996 They watch Tiktok and they think, "Oh, the American dream is fancy cars, 769 00:32:37,080 --> 00:32:39,958 and fancy boats, and fancy clothes, and fancy houses." 770 00:32:40,041 --> 00:32:41,876 Man, that's not the American dream. 771 00:32:41,960 --> 00:32:45,463 My grandparents did not come to this country for fancy things. 772 00:32:45,546 --> 00:32:48,383 They came to this country 'cause they wanted a roof over their head, 773 00:32:48,466 --> 00:32:49,759 a job, 774 00:32:49,842 --> 00:32:52,637 and they wanted to put food in their families' bellies. 775 00:32:52,720 --> 00:32:55,556 And they wanted to make their own decisions for their family 776 00:32:55,640 --> 00:32:57,141 and have a little bit of freedom. 777 00:32:57,225 --> 00:32:58,601 That's the American dream. 778 00:32:58,685 --> 00:33:01,604 - Nothing else. Nothing else. - [audience applauding] 779 00:33:01,688 --> 00:33:02,605 It's hard. 780 00:33:04,565 --> 00:33:06,317 I want to raise my kids the same way I grew up 781 00:33:06,401 --> 00:33:07,819 because I love the way I grew up. 782 00:33:07,902 --> 00:33:10,780 See, I didn't grow up rich, but I didn't grow up poor. 783 00:33:10,863 --> 00:33:13,783 I would never insult my parents and say I grew up poor, right? 784 00:33:13,866 --> 00:33:16,786 We didn't grow up in a big house, but my mom made it a home. 785 00:33:16,869 --> 00:33:19,497 And I want to raise my kids the way I grew up, 786 00:33:19,580 --> 00:33:20,873 but that'll never happen. 787 00:33:20,957 --> 00:33:22,291 Too much has changed. 788 00:33:22,959 --> 00:33:24,168 Right? Too much has changed. 789 00:33:24,252 --> 00:33:26,254 My son can watch cartoons on that damn tablet 790 00:33:26,337 --> 00:33:29,007 as many times as he wants forever. 791 00:33:29,090 --> 00:33:31,592 And all I had growing up was Saturday morning. 792 00:33:32,468 --> 00:33:33,511 And I don't know about you, 793 00:33:33,594 --> 00:33:36,431 but I was awake before the TV came back on the air. 794 00:33:36,514 --> 00:33:38,266 [audience laughs] 795 00:33:38,349 --> 00:33:42,145 All of you in your twenties right now, you're going, "Wait, what the fuck?" 796 00:33:42,228 --> 00:33:43,646 [audience laughs] 797 00:33:43,730 --> 00:33:46,441 Yeah, when we were kids, the TV would end. 798 00:33:47,817 --> 00:33:50,319 At night, a flag would come up. 799 00:33:50,403 --> 00:33:53,364 [audience laughing, applauding] 800 00:33:53,448 --> 00:33:54,532 And the... [chuckles] 801 00:33:55,533 --> 00:33:56,451 And the... 802 00:33:56,534 --> 00:33:58,703 The whole house would be like, "Oh, fuck it. Go to bed." 803 00:33:58,786 --> 00:34:00,038 "That's it. [mumbles] 804 00:34:00,121 --> 00:34:01,414 [audience laughs] 805 00:34:03,082 --> 00:34:07,086 And all the experiences I had growing up that my son will never have. Right? 806 00:34:07,170 --> 00:34:10,048 My son will never know what it's like to sit on the kitchen floor 807 00:34:10,131 --> 00:34:11,549 talking to your girlfriend all night 808 00:34:11,632 --> 00:34:13,259 because the only phone in the house 809 00:34:13,342 --> 00:34:14,761 was stuck to the wall. 810 00:34:14,844 --> 00:34:16,596 [audience laughs] 811 00:34:16,679 --> 00:34:19,932 And my son will never know the feeling of my dad getting on the other line. 812 00:34:20,016 --> 00:34:21,267 "That's enough. Go to bed." 813 00:34:21,350 --> 00:34:24,103 [audience laughs] 814 00:34:24,187 --> 00:34:26,981 "Make sure you pee first. I don't want you to wet the bed tonight." 815 00:34:27,732 --> 00:34:33,446 [audience laughing] 816 00:34:34,322 --> 00:34:36,908 I love, love, love the way I grew up, man. 817 00:34:36,991 --> 00:34:39,577 And all the experiences I had growing up, you know? 818 00:34:39,660 --> 00:34:42,497 Simpler time, right? Simpler time. 819 00:34:42,580 --> 00:34:45,750 My dad had to be at work at five o'clock in the morning, you know? 820 00:34:45,833 --> 00:34:48,669 So my mom, ladies, was left to do everything with us kids. 821 00:34:48,753 --> 00:34:51,255 And when I say everything, I mean, for real, everything. 822 00:34:51,339 --> 00:34:52,548 Not your everything. 823 00:34:52,632 --> 00:34:53,716 [audience chuckles] 824 00:34:53,800 --> 00:34:56,677 Oh, stop, ladies. I know Maria comes twice a month. Stop. 825 00:34:56,761 --> 00:34:57,970 [audience chuckles] 826 00:34:58,054 --> 00:35:01,474 "Oh no. She only does the deep clean. She only does the deep clean." 827 00:35:01,557 --> 00:35:03,142 "I do everything." 828 00:35:05,186 --> 00:35:07,772 My mom would wake us up in the morning for school, you know, 829 00:35:07,855 --> 00:35:10,608 and I miss those days. Simpler times, you know? 830 00:35:10,691 --> 00:35:13,820 And I know my mom loved me the most 'cause she would wake me up last. 831 00:35:14,946 --> 00:35:16,739 And even the way she would wake me up. 832 00:35:16,823 --> 00:35:18,908 She'd walk in my room, and she'd rub my cheek. 833 00:35:19,992 --> 00:35:22,328 And she would say, "Five minutes." 834 00:35:22,411 --> 00:35:23,746 [audience chuckles] 835 00:35:23,830 --> 00:35:25,665 This is how I knew she really loved me the most 836 00:35:25,748 --> 00:35:28,126 'cause I would say, "Ma, I'm cold." 837 00:35:28,209 --> 00:35:30,336 And she would pick out an outfit for me to wear, 838 00:35:30,419 --> 00:35:33,381 and she'd put it in the dryer, and she'd warm it up for me. 839 00:35:33,464 --> 00:35:35,925 Look at all the moms. "Oh my God." 840 00:35:36,008 --> 00:35:38,845 "That is the sweetest thing I will never do." 841 00:35:39,428 --> 00:35:40,471 [audience laughs] 842 00:35:40,555 --> 00:35:41,472 I don't know about you, 843 00:35:41,556 --> 00:35:44,058 but when I was growing up, man, we never went out to eat. 844 00:35:44,142 --> 00:35:45,518 My mom always cooked. 845 00:35:45,601 --> 00:35:47,478 And we woke up to the smell of breakfast. 846 00:35:47,562 --> 00:35:51,399 My mom would make our lunch, and we would listen to fun music, 847 00:35:51,482 --> 00:35:54,235 and my mom would make that lunch with love and compassion. 848 00:35:54,318 --> 00:35:58,030 She's put us in the newish car, and she'd drive us to school, you know? 849 00:35:58,114 --> 00:35:59,532 And I miss those days. 850 00:35:59,615 --> 00:36:02,118 If you have a good mother like mine, give her a round of applause. 851 00:36:02,201 --> 00:36:03,661 She deserves it. Yes. 852 00:36:03,744 --> 00:36:05,955 Please. Please. 853 00:36:06,038 --> 00:36:07,248 Beautiful days. 854 00:36:07,331 --> 00:36:09,625 [audience applauding] 855 00:36:09,709 --> 00:36:13,212 But, every once in a while, my dad would take us to school and... 856 00:36:14,964 --> 00:36:16,716 that was the worst day of our life. 857 00:36:16,799 --> 00:36:17,925 [audience laughs] 858 00:36:18,009 --> 00:36:20,678 And there was no five minute warning. 859 00:36:20,761 --> 00:36:21,846 All we got was... 860 00:36:21,929 --> 00:36:24,056 [mimics kick] "Get the fuck up." 861 00:36:24,140 --> 00:36:26,851 And I'd be like, "Oh my God, Dad, is there a fire?" 862 00:36:26,934 --> 00:36:29,353 "There's no fire, fat boy. Get the fuck up." 863 00:36:29,437 --> 00:36:30,855 [audience laughs] 864 00:36:30,938 --> 00:36:34,942 "But I'm cold. Can you pick out an outfit and put it in the dryer?" 865 00:36:35,026 --> 00:36:37,862 "What the fuck is going on in my house?" 866 00:36:38,613 --> 00:36:41,574 "Your mom's titty's not here for you to suck, titty baby." 867 00:36:41,657 --> 00:36:43,034 [audience laughs] 868 00:36:43,117 --> 00:36:45,536 "You get out of bed before I get you out of bed." 869 00:36:46,454 --> 00:36:49,874 Me and my sisters would have an emergency meeting in the hallway. 870 00:36:49,957 --> 00:36:51,667 "Do you know what's going on?" 871 00:36:51,751 --> 00:36:53,252 [audience laughs] 872 00:36:53,336 --> 00:36:56,589 And then my big sis, she'll be like, "Mom left. She finally left." 873 00:36:56,672 --> 00:36:58,174 [audience laughs] 874 00:36:58,257 --> 00:36:59,717 "She said if we didn't behave, 875 00:36:59,800 --> 00:37:02,553 one day we would wake up, and she would not be here." 876 00:37:03,971 --> 00:37:05,306 "Today is that day." 877 00:37:06,390 --> 00:37:08,226 "Now we're stuck with that asshole." 878 00:37:08,309 --> 00:37:10,019 [audience laughs] 879 00:37:11,437 --> 00:37:13,856 My dad didn't even know how to take us to school. 880 00:37:14,440 --> 00:37:16,817 He would ask us, "So what do we do now? 881 00:37:17,818 --> 00:37:21,322 "What do we do now? Go get Mom. That's what we do now." 882 00:37:21,948 --> 00:37:24,492 "We should be eating breakfast. We should be singing songs." 883 00:37:24,575 --> 00:37:25,993 "We should be happy." 884 00:37:26,077 --> 00:37:27,411 "We're all sad." 885 00:37:28,454 --> 00:37:30,539 "And this outfit doesn't match." 886 00:37:31,540 --> 00:37:32,708 "And I'm cold." 887 00:37:32,792 --> 00:37:34,085 [audience laughs] 888 00:37:34,168 --> 00:37:36,545 "At least make our lunch, man." 889 00:37:37,672 --> 00:37:40,007 And then he would make a dad lunch. 890 00:37:40,091 --> 00:37:44,136 Leftover spaghetti between two breads. "What the fuck?" 891 00:37:44,220 --> 00:37:45,513 [audience laughs] 892 00:37:45,596 --> 00:37:47,473 "We can't take that shit to school." 893 00:37:47,556 --> 00:37:48,683 [audience continues laughing] 894 00:37:48,766 --> 00:37:50,726 "All right, kids, let's go." 895 00:37:50,810 --> 00:37:53,729 "'Let's go?' It's 6:32 in the morning." 896 00:37:54,730 --> 00:37:57,066 "School doesn't start till 8:30." 897 00:37:58,234 --> 00:38:02,154 But I forgot that he was gonna take us to school in the work truck. 898 00:38:03,406 --> 00:38:06,659 And it took 40 minutes just to start that piece of shit. 899 00:38:06,742 --> 00:38:07,910 [audience chuckles] 900 00:38:07,994 --> 00:38:11,289 All of you in your twenties, you do not know what a carburetor is. 901 00:38:12,373 --> 00:38:17,086 You do not know that when we were kids, there was no backseat in a pickup truck. 902 00:38:17,169 --> 00:38:20,589 All there was was a bench that went across the front. 903 00:38:20,673 --> 00:38:24,343 And in the middle of the floorboard was a shifter this big. 904 00:38:24,427 --> 00:38:26,429 [audience laughs] 905 00:38:26,512 --> 00:38:29,765 [audience continues laughing] 906 00:38:31,642 --> 00:38:33,060 And if you sat in the middle... 907 00:38:33,144 --> 00:38:34,812 Thank you. [laughs] 908 00:38:34,895 --> 00:38:37,523 [continues laughing] 909 00:38:38,441 --> 00:38:41,610 And if you sat in the middle, you had to sit like this. 910 00:38:41,694 --> 00:38:42,987 [audience laughing] 911 00:38:43,571 --> 00:38:46,365 And he would panic on the freeway. "Move your ass." 912 00:38:46,449 --> 00:38:48,034 "Move your ass!" [grumbles] 913 00:38:48,117 --> 00:38:50,786 You'd move over, and you'd have a shifter right there. 914 00:38:50,870 --> 00:38:52,830 [audience laughing] 915 00:38:59,754 --> 00:39:01,964 My dad would drive, right? 916 00:39:02,048 --> 00:39:04,675 My little sister, she was the smallest. She was in the middle. 917 00:39:04,759 --> 00:39:06,969 And then my fat sister would sit next to her. 918 00:39:07,053 --> 00:39:08,012 [audience laughs] 919 00:39:08,095 --> 00:39:11,057 Everybody relax. She identifies as fat. And... 920 00:39:11,140 --> 00:39:13,059 [audience laughing] 921 00:39:13,142 --> 00:39:16,228 I sat next to the door so I could hold it shut on the turns. 922 00:39:16,312 --> 00:39:18,689 [audience continues laughing] 923 00:39:18,773 --> 00:39:20,232 6:35 in the morning, 924 00:39:20,316 --> 00:39:23,235 my dad's already smoking his first Marlboro Red. 925 00:39:23,319 --> 00:39:25,738 In the truck with his kids. 926 00:39:25,821 --> 00:39:27,365 Window cracked that much. 927 00:39:28,074 --> 00:39:31,077 'Cause if he's gonna get cancer, we're all getting cancer. 928 00:39:31,160 --> 00:39:32,578 [audience laughs] 929 00:39:32,661 --> 00:39:34,705 We did shit as a family back then. 930 00:39:36,582 --> 00:39:40,044 All of you in your twenties, you know where you charge your cellphone? 931 00:39:40,795 --> 00:39:43,798 Yeah. Well, when we were kids, fire came out of there. 932 00:39:43,881 --> 00:39:47,051 [audience laughing] 933 00:39:47,134 --> 00:39:48,052 Fire. 934 00:39:50,388 --> 00:39:53,015 Took him 20 minutes just to start that truck. 935 00:39:53,516 --> 00:39:54,975 Twenty minutes in the driveway. 936 00:39:55,059 --> 00:39:56,936 [mimics engine rumbling] 937 00:39:57,853 --> 00:40:01,273 He would talk to it like it was his wife. "Come on, Brenda. Come on." 938 00:40:01,357 --> 00:40:02,441 [audience laughs] 939 00:40:03,025 --> 00:40:05,069 He would do this to it. "Come on, Brenda." 940 00:40:05,152 --> 00:40:06,946 [audience laughing] 941 00:40:07,029 --> 00:40:08,322 "Come... Come on, baby." 942 00:40:08,406 --> 00:40:10,241 [chuckles] 943 00:40:10,324 --> 00:40:13,327 I was a kid. I'm like, "Dad, why do you... why do you..." 944 00:40:13,411 --> 00:40:16,705 [audience continues laughing] 945 00:40:16,789 --> 00:40:20,209 So disappointed in me. "'Cause you gotta warm it up!" 946 00:40:20,292 --> 00:40:22,294 [audience laughing] 947 00:40:24,839 --> 00:40:25,965 [chuckles] 948 00:40:26,048 --> 00:40:29,927 Even if he got the truck started, you're still not leaving. 949 00:40:30,594 --> 00:40:32,263 'Cause now he's gotta warm it up. 950 00:40:32,972 --> 00:40:34,223 Twenty more minutes of... 951 00:40:34,306 --> 00:40:37,768 [mimics engine revving] 952 00:40:38,477 --> 00:40:41,772 Us kids would be there, "Dad, we're getting sleepy." 953 00:40:42,648 --> 00:40:45,401 "Oh shit. You're not getting sleepy, you're dying." 954 00:40:45,484 --> 00:40:46,694 [audience laughs] 955 00:40:46,777 --> 00:40:49,113 "That's the exhaust. Roll the window down." 956 00:40:49,196 --> 00:40:51,198 [audience continues laughing] 957 00:40:53,075 --> 00:40:58,706 We... We are the last people on planet earth that understand what this means. 958 00:40:58,789 --> 00:41:00,458 [audience laughing] 959 00:41:00,541 --> 00:41:03,210 [laughs] That's it. It's just us. 960 00:41:05,087 --> 00:41:07,465 Every... Everybody here, 961 00:41:07,548 --> 00:41:10,885 if I go like this to you, you know I'm saying roll the window down. 962 00:41:12,011 --> 00:41:13,637 What's gonna happen when I'm 70 963 00:41:13,721 --> 00:41:16,432 and I need some 16-year-old to roll the window down? 964 00:41:16,515 --> 00:41:19,810 - My dumb ass... [mumbling] - [audience laughing] 965 00:41:19,894 --> 00:41:24,064 That kid's gonna be like, "Oh my God. That old man wants me to jack him off." 966 00:41:24,148 --> 00:41:26,150 [audience laughs] 967 00:41:37,119 --> 00:41:39,830 Those of you laughing the hardest, you grew up like me, man. 968 00:41:40,581 --> 00:41:42,666 And the rest of you, fuck you and your privilege. 969 00:41:42,750 --> 00:41:43,918 [audience laughs] 970 00:41:44,001 --> 00:41:45,711 [laughs] 971 00:41:45,794 --> 00:41:46,712 [audience laughing] 972 00:41:46,795 --> 00:41:48,589 You know what I'm talking about. 973 00:41:48,672 --> 00:41:51,800 [audience applauding] 974 00:41:51,884 --> 00:41:56,138 I still... I still remember what that truck smells like, man. 975 00:41:56,764 --> 00:42:00,184 And maybe for you, it wasn't a truck. Maybe it was an old Station Wagon, 976 00:42:00,267 --> 00:42:02,686 or an old piece of shit Chevette, you know? 977 00:42:02,770 --> 00:42:05,940 But you know what it smells like. It had a smell, man. 978 00:42:06,023 --> 00:42:07,733 I used to get in that truck and... 979 00:42:07,816 --> 00:42:09,985 [sniffs] I said, "Dad, what's that smell?" 980 00:42:10,069 --> 00:42:12,488 And he would say, "That's hard work, son." 981 00:42:12,571 --> 00:42:13,864 [audience laughs] 982 00:42:13,948 --> 00:42:17,243 [chuckles] I'm older now. That is the smell of balls. 983 00:42:17,326 --> 00:42:18,869 - [audience laughs] - [chuckles] 984 00:42:18,953 --> 00:42:21,455 That is years and years of manual labor balls 985 00:42:21,539 --> 00:42:23,207 just soaked into the seats. 986 00:42:24,208 --> 00:42:27,044 Mixed in with some Marlboro Red smoke 987 00:42:27,127 --> 00:42:29,838 and a little bit of Crown Royal. That's what that smell is. 988 00:42:31,257 --> 00:42:34,969 Sometimes I walk past a homeless person, I'm like, "Whoo, there's the truck." 989 00:42:35,052 --> 00:42:36,554 [audience laughs] 990 00:42:39,223 --> 00:42:42,393 All of you in your twenties, man, you've never pushed a vehicle 991 00:42:42,476 --> 00:42:44,186 to pop the clutch. 992 00:42:44,270 --> 00:42:45,813 [audience laughs] 993 00:42:47,773 --> 00:42:50,943 You've never stalled out. Oh, that truck would stall out, man. 994 00:42:51,026 --> 00:42:52,861 We'd be at the stop sign. Dad would take off. 995 00:42:52,945 --> 00:42:54,905 Pow! Shit. 996 00:42:55,948 --> 00:42:57,741 Break our little baby necks. 997 00:42:58,867 --> 00:43:02,121 It would always roll right out into the middle of the intersection. 998 00:43:02,621 --> 00:43:06,542 Now we gotta start the whole process over in front of the whole town. 999 00:43:06,625 --> 00:43:08,627 [mimics engine rumbling] 1000 00:43:09,211 --> 00:43:11,463 Me and my little sister were there, "Come on, Brenda." 1001 00:43:11,547 --> 00:43:13,173 [audience laughs] 1002 00:43:13,257 --> 00:43:15,384 "Please, Brenda!" 1003 00:43:15,467 --> 00:43:17,469 [audience continues laughing] 1004 00:43:17,553 --> 00:43:20,764 My fat sister was already eating the spaghetti sandwich. 1005 00:43:20,848 --> 00:43:22,683 [chuckling] 1006 00:43:23,475 --> 00:43:25,060 "It's pretty good." 1007 00:43:26,687 --> 00:43:29,189 "Less eating, more fingers!" 1008 00:43:29,273 --> 00:43:30,983 [audience laughs] 1009 00:43:32,443 --> 00:43:34,987 [chuckles] 1010 00:43:35,946 --> 00:43:36,947 Man, we would... 1011 00:43:37,656 --> 00:43:41,785 We would get, like, three or four blocks from our school, 1012 00:43:42,411 --> 00:43:44,830 and that's when me and my little sister would panic. 1013 00:43:44,913 --> 00:43:48,042 Me and my little sister would be like, "Hey, Dad. Right here. We're good, Dad." 1014 00:43:48,125 --> 00:43:49,209 [audience laughs] 1015 00:43:49,293 --> 00:43:51,462 "No, we're gonna walk. We're good to walk." 1016 00:43:52,671 --> 00:43:56,175 My sister, "'I haven't even finished my spaghetti sandwich." 1017 00:43:56,258 --> 00:43:57,718 [audience continues laughing] 1018 00:43:57,801 --> 00:43:59,053 "I'm not gonna walk." 1019 00:44:01,180 --> 00:44:04,516 But my dad would ask us. He would say, "Why do kids want to walk?" 1020 00:44:05,351 --> 00:44:07,895 And when you're young, you say dumb shit. 1021 00:44:08,771 --> 00:44:12,107 Me and my little sister would say something horrible to my father. 1022 00:44:12,691 --> 00:44:14,652 We would say, "Dad, we're embarrassed." 1023 00:44:15,194 --> 00:44:16,487 "We're embarrassed of this truck, 1024 00:44:16,570 --> 00:44:19,406 and we don't want our friends to see us in this truck with you." 1025 00:44:19,490 --> 00:44:21,659 I can't believe I said that to him. 1026 00:44:21,742 --> 00:44:23,911 And I'm glad that I get to tell the world 1027 00:44:23,994 --> 00:44:26,372 that I am not embarrassed of my father at all. 1028 00:44:26,455 --> 00:44:29,875 I am proud of my father. Proud. 1029 00:44:29,958 --> 00:44:31,043 [audience applauding] 1030 00:44:31,126 --> 00:44:32,044 Very proud. 1031 00:44:33,921 --> 00:44:34,755 Because... 1032 00:44:35,255 --> 00:44:38,258 I now know what he was doing 1033 00:44:38,342 --> 00:44:39,885 'cause I am now a dad. 1034 00:44:39,968 --> 00:44:42,721 And I know that my dad was doing what good men do. 1035 00:44:42,805 --> 00:44:45,974 They wake up every day, and they go to work, and they sacrifice 1036 00:44:46,058 --> 00:44:48,769 so that their wife and kids can live a better life 1037 00:44:48,852 --> 00:44:50,521 than even them themselves. 1038 00:44:50,604 --> 00:44:53,232 And that's what my dad was doing. Yup. 1039 00:44:53,315 --> 00:44:55,442 [audience applauding] 1040 00:44:55,526 --> 00:44:56,360 So... 1041 00:44:58,195 --> 00:45:01,407 now that I'm a dad, I think about Brenda all the time. 1042 00:45:01,490 --> 00:45:02,908 [audience chuckles] 1043 00:45:03,575 --> 00:45:06,745 I think about Brenda because I was in that truck every once in a while, 1044 00:45:06,829 --> 00:45:08,747 and it was the worst day of my life. 1045 00:45:08,831 --> 00:45:11,166 And I now realize that my dad was in that truck 1046 00:45:11,250 --> 00:45:13,252 every single day for years 1047 00:45:13,335 --> 00:45:16,130 just so his family could have a little more. 1048 00:45:16,213 --> 00:45:18,924 I realize that my dad never called in sick or drunk. 1049 00:45:19,883 --> 00:45:21,135 - [audience chuckles] - [laughs] 1050 00:45:21,218 --> 00:45:22,928 'Cause even if he was drunk, he went. 1051 00:45:24,304 --> 00:45:25,389 Man shit. 1052 00:45:26,056 --> 00:45:28,767 He still found the time to coach me in little league. 1053 00:45:28,851 --> 00:45:31,395 He was at the school when me and my sisters needed him. 1054 00:45:31,478 --> 00:45:34,732 And every Sunday morning, my mom made sure we all got dressed up 1055 00:45:34,815 --> 00:45:38,193 and went to church and thanked God for the things that we had. Yeah. 1056 00:45:38,944 --> 00:45:39,820 Yup. 1057 00:45:39,903 --> 00:45:41,280 [audience applauding] 1058 00:45:42,865 --> 00:45:43,699 Yup. 1059 00:45:45,451 --> 00:45:48,912 Like I said, I want my kids, especially my son, 1060 00:45:48,996 --> 00:45:50,873 to learn the same lessons I learned growing up, 1061 00:45:50,956 --> 00:45:52,458 but he never will. 1062 00:45:52,541 --> 00:45:54,209 [audience laughs] 1063 00:45:54,293 --> 00:45:56,295 I mean, I do this for a living, okay? 1064 00:45:56,378 --> 00:45:59,798 I can't go home tomorrow and be like, "I work hard for this, son." 1065 00:46:00,674 --> 00:46:04,219 My son's gonna be like, "Really? Shitting on Mom on Netflix, is that hard?" 1066 00:46:04,303 --> 00:46:06,221 [audience laughs] 1067 00:46:06,305 --> 00:46:07,347 "You don't sacrifice." 1068 00:46:07,431 --> 00:46:11,685 "I watch you start your truck with an app on your phone like a little bitch." 1069 00:46:11,769 --> 00:46:14,938 - [audience laughing] - [chuckles] 1070 00:46:16,440 --> 00:46:17,524 So it's hard! 1071 00:46:18,192 --> 00:46:22,446 How do you raise kids in this soft, spoiled, crybaby world? I don't know. 1072 00:46:22,529 --> 00:46:25,199 All I can tell you is what I do to my son. I make him work. 1073 00:46:25,282 --> 00:46:26,700 I put his little ass to work. 1074 00:46:26,784 --> 00:46:27,785 He's only eight years old, 1075 00:46:27,868 --> 00:46:30,954 but he's in charge of the 11 acres we live on. 1076 00:46:31,038 --> 00:46:32,164 He's in charge of the... 1077 00:46:32,247 --> 00:46:34,333 Yeah, he helps me with the chicken coop. 1078 00:46:34,416 --> 00:46:37,294 He brings in the trash cans. He cleans his own room. 1079 00:46:37,377 --> 00:46:40,130 He collects the eggs, and he sells those eggs to the neighbors. 1080 00:46:40,214 --> 00:46:42,049 And I tax him 50 percent. 1081 00:46:42,132 --> 00:46:43,884 - [audience laughing] - Yes! 1082 00:46:47,221 --> 00:46:49,348 Because I have made it, 1083 00:46:49,431 --> 00:46:50,766 and he has not! 1084 00:46:50,849 --> 00:46:52,100 [audience laughs] 1085 00:46:52,184 --> 00:46:53,727 And he needs to earn it. 1086 00:46:55,854 --> 00:46:59,358 These kids are just growing up different than us, man. 1087 00:46:59,441 --> 00:47:01,318 You know, it's amazing what these kids want. 1088 00:47:01,401 --> 00:47:03,821 They ant hugs, and they want love. I mean... 1089 00:47:04,446 --> 00:47:05,531 Encouragement. 1090 00:47:05,614 --> 00:47:07,533 [audience laughs] 1091 00:47:07,616 --> 00:47:09,660 Fucking pussies. We didn't grow up like that. 1092 00:47:09,743 --> 00:47:12,287 - [audience laughs] - [Steve chuckles] 1093 00:47:12,371 --> 00:47:15,165 My son will say things to me that blow my mind, man. 1094 00:47:15,249 --> 00:47:17,584 We were in the truck together, me and him the other day, 1095 00:47:17,668 --> 00:47:20,003 and my son goes, "Dad, 1096 00:47:20,087 --> 00:47:23,173 Grandpa Joe told me he was... that he was proud of me." 1097 00:47:23,257 --> 00:47:25,092 I'm like, "What the fuck?" 1098 00:47:25,175 --> 00:47:26,051 [audience laughs] 1099 00:47:26,635 --> 00:47:29,054 He goes, "Yeah. He gives me hugs and tells me he loves me." 1100 00:47:29,137 --> 00:47:30,889 I was like, "What the fuck?" 1101 00:47:30,973 --> 00:47:32,558 [audience laughs] 1102 00:47:32,641 --> 00:47:35,185 "Are they good hugs? I bet they're good hugs." 1103 00:47:35,269 --> 00:47:36,728 [audience continues laughing] 1104 00:47:36,812 --> 00:47:39,398 "How does he say I love you? I've never heard it." 1105 00:47:39,481 --> 00:47:40,482 [audience chuckling] 1106 00:47:44,111 --> 00:47:47,197 My son hears it from me. I've never heard it from my dad. 1107 00:47:47,281 --> 00:47:50,325 Me and dad, we like to drink whiskey together, you know? 1108 00:47:50,409 --> 00:47:52,703 Even trying to hug him is so awkward. 1109 00:47:53,453 --> 00:47:55,414 Like, I'll try, man. I'm like, "Dad, come hug me." 1110 00:47:55,497 --> 00:47:57,124 "What the fuck, man?" 1111 00:47:58,375 --> 00:48:00,127 "You trying to fuck me or something?" 1112 00:48:00,210 --> 00:48:02,546 [audience laughs] 1113 00:48:02,629 --> 00:48:04,548 Shit, I just want a hug, dude. 1114 00:48:05,632 --> 00:48:07,426 I'll tell him too. "Dad, tell me you love me." 1115 00:48:07,509 --> 00:48:11,013 And his first response is always, "Don't... I'm trying to have a good time." 1116 00:48:11,096 --> 00:48:12,347 [audience laughs] 1117 00:48:12,431 --> 00:48:15,100 "Don't... Don't start your shit with me, man." 1118 00:48:16,685 --> 00:48:19,855 I go, "One time, Dad, before you die, please tell me you love me. Please." 1119 00:48:19,938 --> 00:48:24,276 You know what his second response is? "Why? So you can take advantage of me?" 1120 00:48:24,359 --> 00:48:26,194 [audience laughs] 1121 00:48:26,278 --> 00:48:27,321 Then he really fucked me up 1122 00:48:27,404 --> 00:48:29,990 'cause he goes, "Do you tell your wife you love her?" 1123 00:48:30,073 --> 00:48:33,785 I said, "Of course I do, Dad. Every day I tell my wife I love her." 1124 00:48:33,869 --> 00:48:35,579 "And look how she treats you." 1125 00:48:35,662 --> 00:48:37,956 [audience laughs] 1126 00:48:38,040 --> 00:48:39,041 [chuckles] 1127 00:48:44,796 --> 00:48:46,798 But I do love drinking with him, man. 1128 00:48:46,882 --> 00:48:49,551 And you have to get old enough in your life, fellas, 1129 00:48:49,635 --> 00:48:51,887 to understand they want to tell you things before they die, 1130 00:48:51,970 --> 00:48:55,599 and you need to be smart enough to shut the fuck up and listen. Yes. 1131 00:48:55,682 --> 00:48:57,309 The problem with my dad, though, 1132 00:48:57,392 --> 00:49:00,020 is sometimes he tells me things that I don't need to know. 1133 00:49:00,771 --> 00:49:02,356 You know, when we're having our drinks. 1134 00:49:02,439 --> 00:49:04,650 Like, one of my favorite things about growing up 1135 00:49:04,733 --> 00:49:06,109 was Sunday sundae. 1136 00:49:06,193 --> 00:49:08,737 You know, my dad invented it. That's why you don't know what it is. 1137 00:49:08,820 --> 00:49:11,239 After church, every once in a while when we were kids, 1138 00:49:11,323 --> 00:49:12,991 not all the time, but every once in a while, 1139 00:49:13,075 --> 00:49:15,911 my dad would announce to the car, "It's a Sunday sundae." 1140 00:49:15,994 --> 00:49:17,621 We would get so happy. 1141 00:49:17,704 --> 00:49:19,706 'Cause we knew that he was gonna go to H-E-B, 1142 00:49:19,790 --> 00:49:22,000 he was gonna buy three gallons of ice cream, 1143 00:49:22,084 --> 00:49:23,210 one for each kid. 1144 00:49:23,293 --> 00:49:26,463 All the things you need to make a sundae, he would put it on the kitchen table, 1145 00:49:26,546 --> 00:49:29,841 and he would look at us kids and say, "It's a Sunday sundae." 1146 00:49:29,925 --> 00:49:32,010 My fat sister would lose her shit. 1147 00:49:32,094 --> 00:49:34,304 [audience laughs] 1148 00:49:35,389 --> 00:49:36,306 [Steve laughs] 1149 00:49:38,850 --> 00:49:40,227 I loved it! 1150 00:49:40,310 --> 00:49:41,561 Dad and I are having drinks, 1151 00:49:41,645 --> 00:49:44,106 and I told him, I said, "Dad, I just want to thank you 1152 00:49:44,189 --> 00:49:46,900 for all the wonderful memories of Sunday sundae." 1153 00:49:46,984 --> 00:49:50,612 He goes, "Hey, I want to thank you 'cause that's when I would fuck your mom." 1154 00:49:50,696 --> 00:49:53,991 [audience laughing] 1155 00:50:01,707 --> 00:50:03,709 There goes a good memory, Dad. Thank you, buddy. 1156 00:50:03,792 --> 00:50:06,253 - [audience laughs] - [mumbling] 1157 00:50:10,924 --> 00:50:12,009 But sometimes... 1158 00:50:12,718 --> 00:50:15,804 Sometimes my dad tells me something that blows my mind. 1159 00:50:15,887 --> 00:50:16,972 Because my dad, 1160 00:50:17,055 --> 00:50:20,225 he may not be an educated man, but he's a smart man. 1161 00:50:20,308 --> 00:50:23,437 We were back there one day drinking, and my dad came up to me. 1162 00:50:23,520 --> 00:50:27,357 He found out that me and my wife had gotten pregnant for the second time. 1163 00:50:27,441 --> 00:50:30,360 He said, "I understand you're pregnant." I said, "Yes, sir, we are." 1164 00:50:30,444 --> 00:50:32,904 My dad said, "I hope you have a daughter, son." 1165 00:50:32,988 --> 00:50:33,989 And I said, "Why, Dad?" 1166 00:50:34,072 --> 00:50:37,659 He said, "Because being a girl dad is the most beautiful thing a man can be." 1167 00:50:37,743 --> 00:50:40,120 He said being a girl dad is special. 1168 00:50:40,203 --> 00:50:41,455 - Yeah. - [audience applauding] 1169 00:50:42,581 --> 00:50:43,999 And I didn't understand. 1170 00:50:44,082 --> 00:50:46,752 And I looked at my dad and I said, "Dad, I don't understand." 1171 00:50:46,835 --> 00:50:48,170 "Because that little boy in there, 1172 00:50:48,253 --> 00:50:50,589 I don't know how anything can be more special than that." 1173 00:50:50,672 --> 00:50:52,257 And he goes, "You know your sisters?" 1174 00:50:52,841 --> 00:50:53,800 "I love them." 1175 00:50:54,426 --> 00:50:59,389 - [audience laughing] - [chuckles] 1176 00:50:59,473 --> 00:51:00,724 He goes, "I like you." 1177 00:51:00,807 --> 00:51:03,935 [audience continues laughing] 1178 00:51:05,228 --> 00:51:07,064 But, man, is he right again. 1179 00:51:08,023 --> 00:51:09,232 'Cause I have a daughter. 1180 00:51:09,316 --> 00:51:10,901 Her name is Delilah Rae. 1181 00:51:11,735 --> 00:51:13,153 - Yep. Thank you. - [audience cheers] 1182 00:51:13,236 --> 00:51:15,572 She's the most beautiful girl in all the world. 1183 00:51:16,490 --> 00:51:19,576 And it is special, and it is amazing, and it is different. 1184 00:51:19,659 --> 00:51:21,787 And I'm sorry for all the husbands in this room 1185 00:51:21,870 --> 00:51:23,830 that do not have daughters. 1186 00:51:23,914 --> 00:51:26,291 I can't explain to you what it feels like. 1187 00:51:26,374 --> 00:51:29,503 But all I can tell you is that my wife puts that little girl in a little dress 1188 00:51:29,586 --> 00:51:33,006 with her little bow in her hair and her little purse, 1189 00:51:33,090 --> 00:51:36,510 and she walks up to me, and she says, "Daddy, hug you." 1190 00:51:36,593 --> 00:51:37,469 [inhales sharply] 1191 00:51:37,552 --> 00:51:39,721 And I turn gay as shit. I'm like... 1192 00:51:39,805 --> 00:51:41,723 [audience laughing] 1193 00:51:41,807 --> 00:51:43,809 [breathes deeply] 1194 00:51:43,892 --> 00:51:46,561 [audience continues laughing] 1195 00:51:46,645 --> 00:51:48,230 [in high-pitched voice] That's my baby! 1196 00:51:48,313 --> 00:51:50,065 [audience laughs] 1197 00:51:50,148 --> 00:51:52,567 Somebody get me a mango White Claw. Quick. 1198 00:51:53,068 --> 00:51:54,903 - [audience laughs] - [chuckles] 1199 00:51:56,446 --> 00:51:58,156 And I used to be hard. 1200 00:51:58,949 --> 00:52:01,451 And I used to be strong, I used to be tough, 1201 00:52:01,535 --> 00:52:03,328 and now I cry at commercials. 1202 00:52:04,454 --> 00:52:06,331 I'm like, "Fuck you, St. Jude." 1203 00:52:06,414 --> 00:52:09,209 [audience laughs] 1204 00:52:09,292 --> 00:52:11,586 Sarah McLachlan, adopt a puppy. 1205 00:52:11,670 --> 00:52:13,713 - [audience laughs] - [Steve chuckles] 1206 00:52:16,049 --> 00:52:18,760 That little girl puts makeup on my face, and I let her. 1207 00:52:19,386 --> 00:52:22,514 She... She paints my toenails, and I let her. 1208 00:52:22,597 --> 00:52:25,058 I never shopped a day in my life. 1209 00:52:25,142 --> 00:52:27,060 And I'm on Amazon at night showing my wife. 1210 00:52:27,144 --> 00:52:29,521 "I'mma buy that for baby girl. I'mma buy that." 1211 00:52:30,188 --> 00:52:33,984 That little girl has more clothes and more shoes and more outfits 1212 00:52:34,067 --> 00:52:36,778 and more toys than she could ever, ever have. 1213 00:52:36,862 --> 00:52:39,489 Meanwhile, my son's in a wife beater that doesn't fit. 1214 00:52:39,573 --> 00:52:40,991 [audience laughs] 1215 00:52:41,074 --> 00:52:43,618 His pinky toe's hanging out of his tennis shoe. 1216 00:52:44,369 --> 00:52:47,539 He's walking around the house homeless. "What about me, Daddy?" 1217 00:52:48,540 --> 00:52:50,625 I'm like, "I don't know, buddy. What about you, man?" 1218 00:52:50,709 --> 00:52:53,378 "The trash needs to come in, the yard looks like shit, 1219 00:52:53,461 --> 00:52:54,921 the chicken coop needs to be cleaned, 1220 00:52:55,005 --> 00:52:57,340 and the customers have been calling. They need their eggs." 1221 00:52:57,424 --> 00:52:58,842 [audience laughs] 1222 00:52:59,426 --> 00:53:01,344 "You need to spend some money on yourself, son." 1223 00:53:03,013 --> 00:53:04,639 "You want to make extra money around here?" 1224 00:53:04,723 --> 00:53:07,142 "Me and your little sister, we're gonna have a tea party." 1225 00:53:07,225 --> 00:53:08,476 "You can be the waiter." 1226 00:53:08,560 --> 00:53:10,896 [audience laughs] 1227 00:53:14,941 --> 00:53:18,195 'Cause, as a dad, I have two responsibilities. 1228 00:53:18,278 --> 00:53:21,072 Responsibility number one is to turn that little boy 1229 00:53:21,156 --> 00:53:23,283 into a good hard-working man. 1230 00:53:23,366 --> 00:53:25,869 And the only way to do that is to be hard on him. 1231 00:53:25,952 --> 00:53:27,078 [audience applauding] 1232 00:53:27,162 --> 00:53:27,996 Yup. 1233 00:53:29,915 --> 00:53:32,375 My other responsibility as a dad with my daughter 1234 00:53:32,459 --> 00:53:35,587 is to teach her how a man is supposed to treat her. 1235 00:53:35,670 --> 00:53:37,255 Yup, big difference. 1236 00:53:37,339 --> 00:53:38,256 Right. 1237 00:53:39,299 --> 00:53:42,761 So, yes, I will be hard on my son, and I will spoil my daughter 1238 00:53:42,844 --> 00:53:45,931 because I reserve the right to ruin some man's life, too, someday. 1239 00:53:46,014 --> 00:53:47,933 [audience laughs] 1240 00:53:48,016 --> 00:53:51,061 And I want my daughter's future husband to hear nothing from her but, 1241 00:53:51,144 --> 00:53:53,104 "My daddy. My daddy. My father." 1242 00:53:53,188 --> 00:53:54,773 [audience laughs] 1243 00:53:54,856 --> 00:53:56,650 "This is not how I'm to be treated." 1244 00:53:56,733 --> 00:53:58,818 "My daddy told me... My daddy..." 1245 00:54:01,321 --> 00:54:03,156 And I also want that little girl 1246 00:54:03,240 --> 00:54:06,368 to grow up to be exactly like my wife. 1247 00:54:06,451 --> 00:54:08,286 - Oh yeah. - [audience cheers] 1248 00:54:08,370 --> 00:54:09,496 'Cause I want my wife to know 1249 00:54:09,579 --> 00:54:11,665 what the fuck it's like to live with her too. 1250 00:54:11,748 --> 00:54:13,750 [audience laughs] 1251 00:54:14,334 --> 00:54:16,336 Oh, I want her to get her payback. 1252 00:54:17,087 --> 00:54:19,589 And some of you women are having daughters becoming teenagers, 1253 00:54:19,673 --> 00:54:22,968 and you can't figure out why you and her can't get along. 1254 00:54:24,052 --> 00:54:26,596 Well, congratulations, you have met yourself. 1255 00:54:26,680 --> 00:54:28,014 [audience laughs] 1256 00:54:28,098 --> 00:54:30,850 And your husband loves it when you come to him like this. 1257 00:54:30,934 --> 00:54:32,102 "Mmm, mmm." 1258 00:54:32,185 --> 00:54:34,145 [audience chuckles] 1259 00:54:34,229 --> 00:54:36,106 "Go talk to your daughter right now." 1260 00:54:36,606 --> 00:54:40,193 "Why? Because she has an attitude problem, 1261 00:54:40,277 --> 00:54:42,362 she doesn't take no for an answer, 1262 00:54:42,445 --> 00:54:45,365 and she spends every dollar that we give her." 1263 00:54:45,448 --> 00:54:48,994 And your husband's sitting there going, "Wow, you know anybody like that?" 1264 00:54:49,077 --> 00:54:50,829 [audience laughs] 1265 00:54:50,912 --> 00:54:53,206 "Oh, shut up. Your payback's coming 1266 00:54:53,290 --> 00:54:55,500 because she's gonna marry a dumbass like you 1267 00:54:55,583 --> 00:54:57,877 and give you both Bell's palsy." 1268 00:54:57,961 --> 00:54:59,462 [audience laughs] 1269 00:54:59,546 --> 00:55:01,172 "Payback, bitch." 1270 00:55:01,256 --> 00:55:03,174 I am Steve Treviño. Thank you. 1271 00:55:03,258 --> 00:55:07,470 - [audience applauding] - Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. 1272 00:55:07,554 --> 00:55:10,056 ["Everyone's an Outlaw" by Bryan Martin playing] 1273 00:55:14,769 --> 00:55:15,854 ♪ Well, I was raised up... ♪ 1274 00:55:15,937 --> 00:55:16,813 Thank you! 1275 00:55:18,231 --> 00:55:20,317 This show is dedicated 1276 00:55:21,109 --> 00:55:23,778 to people like my mom and my dad, 1277 00:55:24,404 --> 00:55:26,740 people like my wife's mom and dad, 1278 00:55:26,823 --> 00:55:31,202 to the people that wake up every single day and do the hard jobs, 1279 00:55:31,286 --> 00:55:33,079 the hard-working people of the world. 1280 00:55:33,163 --> 00:55:36,124 I want this special to be for you. 1281 00:55:36,207 --> 00:55:38,418 {\an8}Thank you! Thank you! 1282 00:55:38,501 --> 00:55:42,589 {\an8}[audience applauding] 1283 00:55:42,672 --> 00:55:44,299 {\an8}And I could not live my life 1284 00:55:44,382 --> 00:55:47,260 {\an8}and do all the things I do without my beautiful wife, 1285 00:55:47,344 --> 00:55:50,180 {\an8}Captain Evil, the director and the producer tonight. 1286 00:55:50,263 --> 00:55:52,432 {\an8}Give her a round of applause, please. 1287 00:55:52,515 --> 00:55:55,894 {\an8}[audience applauding] 1288 00:55:55,977 --> 00:55:59,230 {\an8}♪ Don't let me catch you fittin' in ♪ 1289 00:56:00,607 --> 00:56:02,567 {\an8}♪ 'Cause everyone's an outlaw ♪ 1290 00:56:05,362 --> 00:56:07,947 {\an8}♪ Till it's time to do outlaw shit ♪ 1291 00:56:12,202 --> 00:56:15,080 {\an8}My wife and I, we love you guys so much. 1292 00:56:15,163 --> 00:56:17,582 {\an8}Thank you for the continued love and support. 1293 00:56:18,124 --> 00:56:19,000 {\an8}Goodnight. 1294 00:56:20,668 --> 00:56:24,089 {\an8}["Everyone's an Outlaw" continues] 1295 00:56:24,172 --> 00:56:27,300 {\an8}♪ Well, I was raised up by a simple man ♪ 1296 00:56:27,384 --> 00:56:32,180 {\an8}♪ I grew up with a gun in my hand ♪ 1297 00:56:32,931 --> 00:56:34,641 [song fades]