1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 3 00:00:11,678 --> 00:00:14,180 Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready? 4 00:00:16,266 --> 00:00:21,187 Please welcome the one and only Steve Treviño! 5 00:00:30,363 --> 00:00:32,157 Thank you, San Antonio! 6 00:00:33,408 --> 00:00:36,286 The Tobin Center. Thank you. 7 00:00:37,412 --> 00:00:40,206 Thank you. Please sit down. Please, please, please. Thank you. 8 00:00:41,166 --> 00:00:43,460 Those of you that are new to me and don't know what I do, 9 00:00:43,460 --> 00:00:46,963 my show is comedy/cry for help. 10 00:00:48,506 --> 00:00:51,092 I'm a family man. I'm a simple man. 11 00:00:51,092 --> 00:00:54,429 I live my life with my family. They do dumb shit, and I come and report. 12 00:00:54,429 --> 00:00:55,346 That's what I do. 13 00:00:57,015 --> 00:00:59,100 Let's start with my wife, Captain Evil. 14 00:00:59,100 --> 00:01:00,769 Let's start with her. 15 00:01:01,603 --> 00:01:02,437 Because... 16 00:01:03,438 --> 00:01:04,272 Ugh. 17 00:01:04,272 --> 00:01:07,067 She's got a new friend, my wife. Got a new friend. 18 00:01:07,067 --> 00:01:09,986 And it sucks when my wife has a new friend because 19 00:01:09,986 --> 00:01:13,073 if the new friend has a husband, I gotta hang out with that guy. 20 00:01:13,990 --> 00:01:17,243 She puts me on a husband play date like I'm a three-year-old. 21 00:01:18,078 --> 00:01:22,791 And the problem is, if my wife likes her and I don't like him, 22 00:01:22,791 --> 00:01:23,958 we're hanging out. 23 00:01:25,376 --> 00:01:27,587 But if I like him and she doesn't like her, 24 00:01:27,587 --> 00:01:29,297 I'm never seeing that guy again. 25 00:01:30,256 --> 00:01:31,633 That's how that works. 26 00:01:32,842 --> 00:01:35,470 Well, I don't like the new guy. I don't like the new guy. 27 00:01:35,470 --> 00:01:37,388 My wife goes, "You know why you don't like him?" 28 00:01:37,388 --> 00:01:39,891 I said, "Why?" She goes, "'Cause he's a Leo." 29 00:01:41,309 --> 00:01:42,393 "And you're a Capricorn." 30 00:01:42,393 --> 00:01:45,271 "And Leos and Capricorns, they just don't get along." 31 00:01:45,271 --> 00:01:47,440 "That's why you don't like him." I said, "Really?" 32 00:01:47,440 --> 00:01:48,775 "I thought I didn't like him 33 00:01:48,775 --> 00:01:50,652 because he shakes my hand like a little bitch." 34 00:01:52,112 --> 00:01:54,531 He doesn't like sports, and he drinks White Claws. 35 00:01:54,531 --> 00:01:56,116 I thought that's why I didn't like him. 36 00:01:57,992 --> 00:02:00,703 And some of you men are upset because you drink White Claws. 37 00:02:01,412 --> 00:02:02,330 You shouldn't be upset. 38 00:02:02,330 --> 00:02:04,874 You should be ashamed of yourself is what you should be. 39 00:02:05,500 --> 00:02:08,837 And I would like to have a conversation with your father if you have one. 40 00:02:11,089 --> 00:02:13,341 But, yes, I am a family man. 41 00:02:13,341 --> 00:02:16,761 Not a lot of exciting things happen in my life for single people 42 00:02:16,761 --> 00:02:19,305 because they don't know what it's like to be a family man. 43 00:02:19,305 --> 00:02:22,016 I do have exciting weeks. I coach little league. 44 00:02:22,642 --> 00:02:25,186 Yeah, I'm proud to coach little league. 45 00:02:25,770 --> 00:02:28,273 I know there's a lot of people in here that coach little league. 46 00:02:28,273 --> 00:02:31,943 For those of you that don't know this, it is a volunteer position. 47 00:02:31,943 --> 00:02:35,446 I do not get paid to coach little league, nor do I have a coaching degree. 48 00:02:35,446 --> 00:02:40,076 So on behalf of all of us that volunteer our time to coach, 49 00:02:40,076 --> 00:02:41,744 those of you that don't coach, 50 00:02:41,744 --> 00:02:46,291 do us coaches a favor and shut the fuck up, okay? 51 00:02:46,291 --> 00:02:47,333 Because... 52 00:02:49,043 --> 00:02:51,588 ...nothing pisses me off more 53 00:02:51,588 --> 00:02:53,590 than the parents that don't come to practice. 54 00:02:53,590 --> 00:02:54,966 They only come to the games, 55 00:02:54,966 --> 00:02:57,969 and now they wanna get involved with what I got going on on the field. 56 00:02:57,969 --> 00:02:59,387 "Uh, Coach, can I talk to you?" 57 00:02:59,387 --> 00:03:01,055 No, motherfucker, you can't. 58 00:03:02,265 --> 00:03:05,727 "Well, I don't understand why my son never gets to play first base." 59 00:03:05,727 --> 00:03:08,980 Well, if you came to practice, you would understand that your son sucks. 60 00:03:10,148 --> 00:03:13,610 We're throwing real baseballs now, and he can't catch for shit. 61 00:03:13,610 --> 00:03:17,071 I'm afraid your son's gonna get hit in the face and die. 62 00:03:17,071 --> 00:03:19,616 But because it is little league and I have to play everybody, 63 00:03:19,616 --> 00:03:22,869 I put your son in right field so he can play with the flowers. 64 00:03:24,954 --> 00:03:27,498 If some of you have kids under the age of eight years old 65 00:03:27,498 --> 00:03:30,209 and they're in right field, take a hint. 66 00:03:31,502 --> 00:03:33,213 That's another reason I get mad, you know? 67 00:03:33,213 --> 00:03:35,673 'Cause I have these kids on our team, 68 00:03:35,673 --> 00:03:37,508 they don't want to play baseball. 69 00:03:37,508 --> 00:03:41,638 Parents, do not put your kid in something they don't want to do, okay? 70 00:03:41,638 --> 00:03:44,265 Every... Yes. Every year I look at my lineup, 71 00:03:44,265 --> 00:03:47,769 I go, "Bryson again? They signed this poor bastard up again?" 72 00:03:48,937 --> 00:03:50,605 I understand finish what you started, 73 00:03:50,605 --> 00:03:53,358 but fuck it, let's torture him another year. 74 00:03:54,776 --> 00:03:58,821 And I don't know what these dads see 'cause I know they don't see what I see. 75 00:03:58,821 --> 00:04:01,574 Every time Bryson goes up to bat, he stands like this. 76 00:04:04,744 --> 00:04:07,163 And his dad's over there, "Come on, Bryson!" 77 00:04:07,163 --> 00:04:09,123 I'm like, "Motherfucker, Bryson ain't coming on." 78 00:04:10,833 --> 00:04:14,212 He's the only kid on the team that irons his uniform and tucks it in. 79 00:04:15,546 --> 00:04:18,174 I asked Bryson if we were getting dirty today and he goes, 80 00:04:18,174 --> 00:04:19,884 "No!" 81 00:04:22,470 --> 00:04:25,139 I don't think Bryson's gonna be a baseball player. 82 00:04:25,139 --> 00:04:28,851 There's gonna be balls in his life, they're just not gonna be baseballs, okay? 83 00:04:29,769 --> 00:04:31,562 And by... 84 00:04:31,562 --> 00:04:33,731 By the way, before you cancel me, 85 00:04:35,149 --> 00:04:37,110 I don't have a problem with Bryson being gay. 86 00:04:37,110 --> 00:04:39,779 This is America. He can be whatever the fuck he wants to be. 87 00:04:39,779 --> 00:04:42,532 Yes. I have... 88 00:04:42,532 --> 00:04:46,369 I have a problem with the dad not seeing what I see. 89 00:04:47,370 --> 00:04:49,622 And I'm a little jealous of Bryson. I am. 90 00:04:50,373 --> 00:04:53,001 He's gonna grow up and have a beautiful life, that Bryson. 91 00:04:53,001 --> 00:04:56,546 I can't imagine how good my life would be with two male incomes. 92 00:05:04,804 --> 00:05:06,306 But I only... 93 00:05:06,973 --> 00:05:08,725 I only tell you that story 94 00:05:08,725 --> 00:05:11,352 to get to the story where my wife gets involved. 95 00:05:12,437 --> 00:05:13,855 Every year's the same. 96 00:05:13,855 --> 00:05:15,815 Every year we do a little something for the boys 97 00:05:15,815 --> 00:05:17,317 at the end of the season, all right? 98 00:05:17,317 --> 00:05:18,735 This year was no different. 99 00:05:18,735 --> 00:05:22,030 I called up my other coach, I said, "Hey, one more practice left." 100 00:05:22,030 --> 00:05:23,906 I said, "Why don't we surprise the boys 101 00:05:23,906 --> 00:05:26,409 with bouncy house and pizza instead of practice?" 102 00:05:26,409 --> 00:05:28,995 He goes, "Great idea, Steve. I'll get the bouncy house, 103 00:05:28,995 --> 00:05:30,204 you get the pizza." 104 00:05:30,204 --> 00:05:32,332 Ladies, we were done planning. 105 00:05:42,383 --> 00:05:45,928 And then here comes... here comes my wife. 106 00:05:45,928 --> 00:05:47,472 She goes, "What are you doing?" 107 00:05:47,472 --> 00:05:49,932 I said, "We're doing bouncy house and pizza on Tuesday." 108 00:05:49,932 --> 00:05:53,644 And then she goes, "I don't have time to throw a party on Tuesday." 109 00:05:53,644 --> 00:05:56,773 I said, "Well, it's not a party, it's a bouncy house and pizza." 110 00:05:56,773 --> 00:05:59,734 She says, "I better let the moms know we're gonna have a party on Tuesday." 111 00:05:59,734 --> 00:06:02,612 I said, "There's no party. It is a bouncy house and pizza!" 112 00:06:03,863 --> 00:06:06,741 But that's my wife. Everything has to turn into a thing. 113 00:06:06,741 --> 00:06:08,701 Everything now has to be a party. 114 00:06:08,701 --> 00:06:12,663 There has to be matching baseball plates and baseball tablecloths, 115 00:06:12,663 --> 00:06:14,582 and a baseball balloon arch. 116 00:06:15,875 --> 00:06:19,253 And I'm... I'm sorry, ladies, but these are little boys. 117 00:06:19,253 --> 00:06:20,922 They don't give a fuck. 118 00:06:22,423 --> 00:06:24,550 Maybe Bryson does, but the rest... 119 00:06:24,550 --> 00:06:26,761 ...don't give a fuck. 120 00:06:28,429 --> 00:06:30,681 And I... And I try. 121 00:06:30,681 --> 00:06:33,101 I try to tell my wife that everything she does, 122 00:06:33,101 --> 00:06:35,019 she does it to herself. 123 00:06:35,603 --> 00:06:37,188 If my wife only understood. 124 00:06:37,188 --> 00:06:40,817 I try to tell her, as men, we are simple people. 125 00:06:40,817 --> 00:06:43,402 Right? I'm very happy watching the football game 126 00:06:43,402 --> 00:06:44,821 on Sunday with my friends, 127 00:06:44,821 --> 00:06:47,949 eating out of a bag of chips and a box of pizza. 128 00:06:47,949 --> 00:06:50,910 And then here she comes with her wooden bowl. 129 00:06:51,786 --> 00:06:55,081 She has to pour the chips in the wooden bowl. 130 00:06:55,081 --> 00:06:58,334 Twenty minutes later, here comes the charcuterie board. 131 00:07:00,086 --> 00:07:02,130 And all the cheese is shaped like footballs, 132 00:07:02,130 --> 00:07:05,341 and there's a... a pretzel field goal post. 133 00:07:06,801 --> 00:07:10,096 Don't get me wrong, I like charcuterie boards. I like 'em. 134 00:07:10,096 --> 00:07:13,057 So I'm not mad at her for making me a charcuterie board, okay? 135 00:07:13,057 --> 00:07:16,102 As a matter of fact, I appreciate her for that. 136 00:07:16,102 --> 00:07:17,937 But you know what? You know what I don't like? 137 00:07:17,937 --> 00:07:20,189 Later that night, when she's washing dishes, 138 00:07:20,189 --> 00:07:21,441 fucking mad at me. 139 00:07:23,151 --> 00:07:25,820 "I can't believe you did this to me." 140 00:07:26,737 --> 00:07:30,158 "I did this to you? I'm pretty sure you did this to you." 141 00:07:30,158 --> 00:07:31,826 You need to stop being at me 142 00:07:31,826 --> 00:07:34,162 when you throw parties you're not invited to. 143 00:07:40,042 --> 00:07:42,253 Not a good time to point at your wife. 144 00:07:43,379 --> 00:07:46,340 On my show, you laugh, you look forward. You laugh... 145 00:07:47,300 --> 00:07:48,718 ...you look forward. 146 00:07:49,760 --> 00:07:51,512 Unless you've been married over 15 years. 147 00:07:51,512 --> 00:07:54,265 At that point, laugh in her face. That's a whole nother level. 148 00:07:56,267 --> 00:07:58,311 I'm only talking to the men that just got married. 149 00:07:58,311 --> 00:08:01,689 Those of you men that just got married, you do not talk shit to your wife. 150 00:08:02,398 --> 00:08:05,193 You wait for a lot of years to go by, 151 00:08:05,193 --> 00:08:07,361 and you're both out of options. 152 00:08:09,697 --> 00:08:13,201 And you'll know too because it's a beautiful feeling of stuck. 153 00:08:15,286 --> 00:08:16,746 There comes a time in your marriage 154 00:08:16,746 --> 00:08:19,248 where you look across the table and just go, "Fuck." 155 00:08:21,584 --> 00:08:24,378 It's me and you, man. It's me and you. 156 00:08:28,508 --> 00:08:31,344 There are times that me and my wife are in a... in an argument, 157 00:08:31,344 --> 00:08:33,012 and then we both start laughing. 158 00:08:33,012 --> 00:08:35,431 'Cause she knows I'mma bring it on stage. 159 00:08:36,933 --> 00:08:38,684 So here's one of those arguments. 160 00:08:39,227 --> 00:08:42,480 I want to start off by talking to all the wives in the room. 161 00:08:42,480 --> 00:08:44,607 All the wives, I want you to know something. Yep. 162 00:08:44,607 --> 00:08:47,318 I want you to know something. 163 00:08:47,318 --> 00:08:48,736 I want every wife here to know 164 00:08:48,736 --> 00:08:52,615 that when my wife asks me to do something for her, 165 00:08:52,615 --> 00:08:53,741 I just do it. 166 00:08:54,367 --> 00:08:55,618 Yeah. Yeah. 167 00:08:57,745 --> 00:09:01,165 She asks me to do it, I do it. No questions asked. And I tell you why. 168 00:09:01,165 --> 00:09:03,918 I love my wife. I have a lot of respect for my wife. 169 00:09:03,918 --> 00:09:07,255 I trust my wife. She is my teammate, and she is my partner. 170 00:09:07,255 --> 00:09:10,174 Yeah. Yeah. 171 00:09:10,174 --> 00:09:11,592 I'm glad you ladies are clapping 172 00:09:11,592 --> 00:09:13,886 'cause I would like to know how come when I ask her 173 00:09:13,886 --> 00:09:15,346 to do something for me, 174 00:09:16,013 --> 00:09:18,599 oh, motherfucker, there's questions! 175 00:09:19,767 --> 00:09:22,812 Lots and lots of fucking questions. 176 00:09:22,812 --> 00:09:25,856 Zero respect, zero trust. 177 00:09:28,568 --> 00:09:30,278 It's always over something simple. 178 00:09:30,987 --> 00:09:33,447 You know, what happens is I ask her to do something for me 179 00:09:33,447 --> 00:09:35,241 and then she asks a question. 180 00:09:35,241 --> 00:09:37,910 Then I very politely answer that question. 181 00:09:37,910 --> 00:09:39,787 But she doesn't like my answer, 182 00:09:39,787 --> 00:09:42,164 so she rewords her question, 183 00:09:42,164 --> 00:09:44,041 and I give her the same answer. 184 00:09:44,542 --> 00:09:46,586 She doesn't like that answer again, 185 00:09:46,586 --> 00:09:48,671 so she rewords the same question, 186 00:09:49,338 --> 00:09:51,340 and then I lose my fucking shit. 187 00:09:52,300 --> 00:09:55,094 And then, somehow, I'm the asshole again. 188 00:09:55,928 --> 00:09:59,807 And I have to hear my wife's, "Oh my God, you're crazy." 189 00:10:01,225 --> 00:10:02,476 I'm crazy? 190 00:10:02,476 --> 00:10:07,189 You ask the same question over and over and over again 191 00:10:07,189 --> 00:10:09,358 expecting different results. 192 00:10:09,900 --> 00:10:12,403 That is the definition of crazy. 193 00:10:13,779 --> 00:10:16,616 The reason I'm crazy is 'cause you're fucking crazy. 194 00:10:19,493 --> 00:10:23,122 And it's always over something simple. 195 00:10:23,831 --> 00:10:27,877 All she has to do is do what I asked like I do for her, and we wouldn't fight. 196 00:10:27,877 --> 00:10:31,297 Right? So we were all... We made plans with two other families 197 00:10:31,297 --> 00:10:34,675 that we were gonna go to the water park together, okay? 198 00:10:34,675 --> 00:10:36,719 The other husband, Jake, from the other family, 199 00:10:36,719 --> 00:10:39,513 he called me up, and he said, "Hey, man, there's a lot of us." 200 00:10:39,513 --> 00:10:41,349 "Why don't we get two cabanas?" 201 00:10:41,349 --> 00:10:44,518 "That way, we have somewhere to sit, and that way, we're all comfortable." 202 00:10:44,518 --> 00:10:45,770 I said, "Great idea." 203 00:10:45,770 --> 00:10:48,272 He said, "We'll get two of 'em, and we'll split it three ways." 204 00:10:48,272 --> 00:10:49,649 I said, "Great idea." 205 00:10:49,649 --> 00:10:51,942 He goes, "We'll get two of 'em, and you book it." 206 00:10:51,942 --> 00:10:54,570 "That way they're together." I said, "No problem." 207 00:10:54,570 --> 00:10:57,323 I went over to my wife to ask her to book the cabanas 208 00:10:57,323 --> 00:11:00,993 because booking cabanas is her department. 209 00:11:02,286 --> 00:11:05,164 So I went over to her, and I said, "Hey, baby, can you book two cabanas?" 210 00:11:05,164 --> 00:11:07,625 And then she goes, "What? Why do we need two cabanas?" 211 00:11:09,001 --> 00:11:14,548 I said, "'Cause I'm asking, pretty girl. Can you please book two cabanas?" 212 00:11:16,175 --> 00:11:18,969 "Are you sure that we need two cabanas?" 213 00:11:18,969 --> 00:11:20,763 "Yeah, it's the second time I've said yes." 214 00:11:20,763 --> 00:11:25,476 "I am sure that we need two cabanas. So, pretty girl, if you could, please, 215 00:11:25,476 --> 00:11:27,436 book two cabanas." 216 00:11:27,436 --> 00:11:30,356 "Well, I don't want to have to pay for two cabanas." 217 00:11:30,356 --> 00:11:32,400 "We're not gonna pay for two cabanas, honey. Okay?" 218 00:11:32,400 --> 00:11:36,612 "We're gonna split it three ways. Can you please book two cabanas?" 219 00:11:36,612 --> 00:11:38,531 "Well, how many people are we gonna have?" 220 00:11:38,531 --> 00:11:41,283 "Because one cabana says it holds ten people." 221 00:11:41,283 --> 00:11:43,077 "Fourteen. We're gonna have fourteen, honey." 222 00:11:43,077 --> 00:11:45,788 "Fourteen is more than ten. You see how that works?" 223 00:11:45,788 --> 00:11:49,083 "Can you please book two cabanas?" 224 00:11:49,083 --> 00:11:54,839 "Well, not all of us are gonna be in the cabana at the same time." 225 00:11:54,839 --> 00:11:56,048 "Are you sure?" 226 00:11:56,048 --> 00:12:00,428 "Yes! I'm fucking sure that I need two fucking cabanas!" 227 00:12:04,306 --> 00:12:05,975 And that leads to... 228 00:12:07,143 --> 00:12:09,395 "I don't like the way you're talking to me." 229 00:12:11,021 --> 00:12:14,233 "Now there's gonna be 13 'cause..." 230 00:12:16,444 --> 00:12:19,738 "I don't know why you have to be such a dick all the time." 231 00:12:20,990 --> 00:12:22,992 I said, "Well, it's our horoscope." 232 00:12:25,077 --> 00:12:28,289 "I'm a Capricorn, you're whatever the fuck September is." 233 00:12:31,959 --> 00:12:33,335 I know she's a Virgo. 234 00:12:34,378 --> 00:12:35,546 I know. 235 00:12:35,546 --> 00:12:39,717 I know why wife's a Virgo. I hear it out of her mouth every day. 236 00:12:39,717 --> 00:12:42,887 She walks around the house, "It's my Virgoness. It's my Virgo..." 237 00:12:43,804 --> 00:12:46,182 "It's 'cause I'm a Virgo." 238 00:12:47,349 --> 00:12:50,728 She makes me laugh too 'cause she says that being a Virgo is special. 239 00:12:50,728 --> 00:12:52,146 That's what she says. 240 00:12:52,146 --> 00:12:56,776 Yeah. There's a lot of Virgos here, right? Yeah, let me hear the Virgos. Yeah. 241 00:12:57,693 --> 00:12:58,986 Oh, there's always Virgos 242 00:12:58,986 --> 00:13:02,031 because it is the number one sign. Are you aware of that? 243 00:13:02,031 --> 00:13:04,992 And would you like to know why it's the number one sign? 244 00:13:04,992 --> 00:13:08,454 Because nine months before September is Christmas. 245 00:13:10,039 --> 00:13:13,709 That's right. Your dad put together a swing set for your older sibling. 246 00:13:14,668 --> 00:13:16,587 Guess what he got for Christmas. 247 00:13:17,588 --> 00:13:19,089 Some Christmas pussy. 248 00:13:21,467 --> 00:13:22,885 Happy New Year! 249 00:13:22,885 --> 00:13:25,471 Bah! Virgo. 250 00:13:27,473 --> 00:13:29,725 You're not special. You're an accident. 251 00:13:38,984 --> 00:13:41,362 Yes, my wife is a Virgo. 252 00:13:41,362 --> 00:13:42,988 I am a Capricorn. 253 00:13:43,948 --> 00:13:45,699 Now, we have, uh... 254 00:13:45,699 --> 00:13:47,535 We have been together a long time, me and her, 255 00:13:47,535 --> 00:13:51,038 and we have a... a very special love story I'd like to share with you. 256 00:13:51,038 --> 00:13:53,666 We all ended up together someway somehow, right? 257 00:13:53,666 --> 00:13:56,710 How you met your spouse. I will tell you how I met mine. 258 00:13:56,710 --> 00:13:58,629 I have known her my entire life. 259 00:13:58,629 --> 00:14:00,923 Yep. People don't know that about me and my wife. 260 00:14:00,923 --> 00:14:03,259 We grew up together in Gregory-Portland Texas, 261 00:14:03,259 --> 00:14:05,427 near Corpus Christi, Texas. Yep. 262 00:14:07,888 --> 00:14:09,557 We both went to the same high school. 263 00:14:09,557 --> 00:14:12,768 I am older than her, so I graduated before her. 264 00:14:12,768 --> 00:14:15,396 I barely graduated from that high school. 265 00:14:15,396 --> 00:14:17,481 Thank God for special classes. 266 00:14:19,066 --> 00:14:23,153 She graduated years after me as the valedictorian of that high school. 267 00:14:23,153 --> 00:14:24,154 Yeah. 268 00:14:24,154 --> 00:14:27,116 People like to be impressed with that, and I think that's bullshit. 269 00:14:28,701 --> 00:14:32,496 Should've been more impressed with me. It was harder for me to graduate. 270 00:14:33,789 --> 00:14:38,002 I didn't even get to change classrooms, so that's pretty good. 271 00:14:41,255 --> 00:14:43,465 It is safe to say that we are complete opposites. 272 00:14:43,465 --> 00:14:44,425 Yes, we are. 273 00:14:44,425 --> 00:14:46,844 Me and my wife are complete opposites. 274 00:14:46,844 --> 00:14:49,638 However, we have been married for a long time. 275 00:14:49,638 --> 00:14:52,391 And I think because we are opposites 276 00:14:52,391 --> 00:14:54,435 and we bring different things to the team, 277 00:14:54,435 --> 00:14:56,353 it makes for a stronger team. 278 00:14:56,353 --> 00:14:59,273 And that is why our marriage is successful. Yes. 279 00:14:59,273 --> 00:15:01,233 Yeah. 280 00:15:01,233 --> 00:15:02,526 For example, 281 00:15:03,110 --> 00:15:05,779 I come up with great ideas, 282 00:15:06,363 --> 00:15:08,324 and then she shits on them. 283 00:15:10,200 --> 00:15:14,038 And together, as a team, she decides that I'm a fucking idiot. 284 00:15:14,997 --> 00:15:17,875 And then three months later, she rewords my idea, 285 00:15:17,875 --> 00:15:21,670 and now it's a badass idea. It's... 286 00:15:21,670 --> 00:15:23,923 'Cause she's so smart. Yeah. 287 00:15:24,715 --> 00:15:26,216 Yeah. 288 00:15:26,216 --> 00:15:27,968 I am a... I'm laid back, man. 289 00:15:27,968 --> 00:15:30,137 I'm a go-with-the-flow kind of guy. That's me. 290 00:15:30,137 --> 00:15:32,848 I'm a, "Fuck it. Don't worry about it. We'll figure it out." 291 00:15:32,848 --> 00:15:34,934 That's how I live my life. Yup. 292 00:15:34,934 --> 00:15:37,353 Very simple. I go with the flow, baby. 293 00:15:37,353 --> 00:15:39,313 I'm like a palm tree. I stand tall, 294 00:15:39,313 --> 00:15:42,358 but I go with the fucking flow. You know what I mean? 295 00:15:42,358 --> 00:15:43,484 I don't break. 296 00:15:44,026 --> 00:15:46,403 Now my wife, oh, my wife is organized. 297 00:15:46,403 --> 00:15:47,988 My wife has a label maker, 298 00:15:47,988 --> 00:15:51,867 and she walks around the house labeling where shit goes. 299 00:15:51,867 --> 00:15:55,329 God forbid I put my baseball hat on the end table that night. 300 00:15:55,329 --> 00:15:57,957 Oh, the wheels fall off at our house. 301 00:15:58,540 --> 00:16:01,293 "Does your hat go there? Why is your hat there?" 302 00:16:01,293 --> 00:16:04,630 "It doesn't say hat. It says lamp, and it says clock." 303 00:16:04,630 --> 00:16:06,006 "It doesn't say hat." 304 00:16:06,006 --> 00:16:09,468 "I made a container for your hat, and I labeled it hat." 305 00:16:09,468 --> 00:16:11,136 "There is a hat container." 306 00:16:11,136 --> 00:16:14,306 "There's a fucking container that says hat in the closet." 307 00:16:14,306 --> 00:16:16,225 "Put it in the hat container." 308 00:16:17,226 --> 00:16:19,478 Motherfucker, she loves containers. 309 00:16:20,562 --> 00:16:22,773 Oh, my wife has a container 310 00:16:22,773 --> 00:16:25,317 full of containers that she labeled "Container." 311 00:16:26,735 --> 00:16:29,988 My wife will go out, and she will buy new containers 312 00:16:29,988 --> 00:16:31,865 to replace containers she already bought 313 00:16:31,865 --> 00:16:35,077 because, fuck it, let's light money on fire. 314 00:16:37,788 --> 00:16:40,582 They made a whole store for my wife. It's called "The Container Store." 315 00:16:41,625 --> 00:16:44,670 And she will come home from The Container Store with 68 containers, 316 00:16:44,670 --> 00:16:47,297 and it is the best day of her life. 317 00:16:47,297 --> 00:16:49,383 She comes home excited. 318 00:16:49,383 --> 00:16:51,468 "Look at my containers!" 319 00:16:52,386 --> 00:16:54,972 "Babe, I can't wait to spend the next six days 320 00:16:54,972 --> 00:16:57,725 organizing and labeling containers." 321 00:16:57,725 --> 00:17:00,227 "And then I'm gonna go to the grocery store." 322 00:17:00,227 --> 00:17:02,771 "I'm gonna buy things that already come in containers." 323 00:17:02,771 --> 00:17:04,314 "I'm gonna bring those things home, 324 00:17:04,314 --> 00:17:06,108 I'm gonna take 'em out of those containers, 325 00:17:06,108 --> 00:17:08,652 and I'm gonna put them in pretty labeled containers." 326 00:17:08,652 --> 00:17:12,197 "And then I'm gonna walk around the house bitching and complaining 327 00:17:12,197 --> 00:17:15,534 about all the fucking work I created for myself." 328 00:17:22,666 --> 00:17:24,001 And I'm the crazy one. 329 00:17:25,127 --> 00:17:26,754 Every day, she walks around our house, 330 00:17:26,754 --> 00:17:29,423 "I can't! It's too much. It's too much. It's too much." 331 00:17:30,132 --> 00:17:33,010 "I can't. I can't. I can't. It's too much. It's too much." 332 00:17:33,010 --> 00:17:36,638 And I'm just sitting on the couch going, "Well, fucking don't." 333 00:17:38,515 --> 00:17:40,559 I don't make her do that. 334 00:17:41,143 --> 00:17:43,812 Everything she does, she does it to herself. 335 00:17:44,396 --> 00:17:46,440 She acts like I came home one day, 336 00:17:46,440 --> 00:17:48,942 went in the pantry, grabbed the oatmeal, and said, 337 00:17:48,942 --> 00:17:51,111 "Bitch, is this in its original container?" 338 00:17:52,696 --> 00:17:54,698 I don't fucking think so. 339 00:17:55,324 --> 00:17:59,578 You find a store that sells containers, and you get that shit over here right now. 340 00:18:00,496 --> 00:18:03,081 I want this house to look like a biology lab. 341 00:18:04,291 --> 00:18:06,668 And nobody needs to know when this expires 342 00:18:06,668 --> 00:18:08,295 or the nutritional facts. 343 00:18:11,298 --> 00:18:14,218 She's a hoarder. Oh, my wife's a hoarder. 344 00:18:15,010 --> 00:18:18,806 Not me, man. I'm fuck it. Throw it away. Give it away. That's me. 345 00:18:18,806 --> 00:18:21,642 Not my wife. "I'mma sell it. I'mma sell it. I'mma sell it." 346 00:18:22,768 --> 00:18:25,187 "No, babe. I'mma sell it!" 347 00:18:25,187 --> 00:18:30,025 "Put it in the garage with 50 other things I said I was gonna sell and never did." 348 00:18:30,818 --> 00:18:31,985 "I'mma sell it." 349 00:18:33,487 --> 00:18:36,907 "Babe, I made two trash bags full 350 00:18:36,907 --> 00:18:39,368 of clothes that we no longer wear." 351 00:18:39,368 --> 00:18:42,037 "I need you to put those in the back of my car 352 00:18:42,037 --> 00:18:45,040 so I can drive around for two years with that shit back there." 353 00:18:50,295 --> 00:18:52,923 That shit is out of style by the time she donates it. 354 00:18:55,300 --> 00:18:58,095 I wait for her not to be home. I load that shit in my truck. 355 00:18:58,095 --> 00:19:00,681 I go to Goodwill, and I go, "Fuck it." 356 00:19:02,349 --> 00:19:04,101 Then I go to the ATM machine. 357 00:19:04,101 --> 00:19:07,104 I take 500 dollars out, and I go, "Here, baby. I sold it." 358 00:19:10,399 --> 00:19:12,359 And then she shits on me again. 359 00:19:12,359 --> 00:19:14,194 "Is that all you got?" 360 00:19:16,613 --> 00:19:20,659 "For all that stuff you got 500 dollars?" 361 00:19:21,493 --> 00:19:23,412 "What were you thinking?" 362 00:19:24,746 --> 00:19:27,332 "Well, baby, I don't think, honey. Special needs." 363 00:19:29,835 --> 00:19:31,003 "You're the best." 364 00:19:32,171 --> 00:19:36,508 My wife... Her ability to not make mistakes, that is talent. My wife has talent. 365 00:19:37,134 --> 00:19:38,886 That woman is perfect. 366 00:19:39,761 --> 00:19:41,346 Oh, she never fucks up. 367 00:19:42,264 --> 00:19:44,141 She'll argue with the GPS. 368 00:19:45,767 --> 00:19:48,854 "Why did you turn there?" I'm like, "I don't know. NASA told me to." 369 00:19:50,314 --> 00:19:51,440 "Well, that's not faster." 370 00:19:51,440 --> 00:19:53,775 "Fuck no, baby. Tell me how to get there." 371 00:20:01,033 --> 00:20:03,911 So I graduated from Gregory-Portland High School, 372 00:20:03,911 --> 00:20:05,370 and I wanted to be a comedian. 373 00:20:05,370 --> 00:20:08,916 So I drove out to Los Angeles, California to start my career. 374 00:20:08,916 --> 00:20:11,460 She graduated as the valedictorian, the homecoming queen, 375 00:20:11,460 --> 00:20:13,212 the fucking everything queen. 376 00:20:13,212 --> 00:20:17,257 She ended up with this full scholarship to go to NYU in New York City. 377 00:20:17,257 --> 00:20:19,301 She goes to New York, I go to Los Angeles. 378 00:20:19,301 --> 00:20:21,762 Now you're thinking to yourself, "Well, how did the two of you 379 00:20:21,762 --> 00:20:22,888 end up together?" 380 00:20:22,888 --> 00:20:25,182 Well, I went home to visit my parents, 381 00:20:25,182 --> 00:20:28,977 and me and my dad were drinking and driving around town like we do and... 382 00:20:29,895 --> 00:20:33,565 Everybody relax. I was driving, he was drinking, okay? 383 00:20:33,565 --> 00:20:35,192 Later on, we switched, but... 384 00:20:36,902 --> 00:20:38,862 Everybody relax 'cause were Texans. 385 00:20:38,862 --> 00:20:40,906 We weren't really drinking. It was just beer. 386 00:20:48,789 --> 00:20:53,210 We decided to stop at the post office, and that is where we ran into her father. 387 00:20:53,210 --> 00:20:55,420 I am not surprised that we ran into her father there. 388 00:20:55,420 --> 00:20:56,546 He works there. 389 00:20:56,546 --> 00:20:59,049 There's three employees. He's one of them. 390 00:21:00,550 --> 00:21:03,720 I also want to make it very clear in this story that everybody understands 391 00:21:03,720 --> 00:21:05,264 that I did not go up to him. 392 00:21:05,264 --> 00:21:07,015 He came up to me. 393 00:21:07,015 --> 00:21:09,643 And he said, "Steve, I've been looking for you." 394 00:21:09,643 --> 00:21:12,312 He said, "My daughter's gonna be in Los Angeles starting next week 395 00:21:12,312 --> 00:21:13,397 for the next four months." 396 00:21:13,397 --> 00:21:15,565 "I'm very worried about my baby girl." 397 00:21:15,565 --> 00:21:17,651 "And I don't know anybody that lives there but you." 398 00:21:17,651 --> 00:21:19,653 "I would like to ask you, Steve, 399 00:21:19,653 --> 00:21:22,698 to please be there for my daughter if she needs you." 400 00:21:22,698 --> 00:21:25,283 He wrote her phone number down on a little piece of paper 401 00:21:25,283 --> 00:21:26,660 and he handed it to me. 402 00:21:26,660 --> 00:21:28,578 I thought to myself, "Wow." 403 00:21:28,578 --> 00:21:31,540 "I knew I was gonna fuck her. I didn't know you were gonna hook it up." 404 00:21:38,130 --> 00:21:39,256 I didn't say that. 405 00:21:40,424 --> 00:21:42,509 What came out of my mouth was more like Allstate. 406 00:21:42,509 --> 00:21:44,344 I go, "She's in good hands." 407 00:21:48,348 --> 00:21:51,059 And I'm sorry I said that, ladies, but that is the truth. 408 00:21:51,768 --> 00:21:53,645 I know you're thinking to yourself, "Wow, Steve." 409 00:21:53,645 --> 00:21:56,440 "I thought you and Renae started a little more romantic than that." 410 00:21:56,440 --> 00:21:57,858 No, no, no, no, no. 411 00:21:59,234 --> 00:22:00,152 Ladies, I'm sorry, 412 00:22:00,152 --> 00:22:03,447 but that guy that you met that took you candle making and antiquing, 413 00:22:03,447 --> 00:22:05,073 he only did that to get laid. 414 00:22:07,075 --> 00:22:08,577 Yeah, that's why he did it. 415 00:22:08,577 --> 00:22:11,246 'Cause he got what he wanted, and you got what you wanted. 416 00:22:11,830 --> 00:22:14,833 You know what? I'm proud of you ladies because all the other women before you, 417 00:22:14,833 --> 00:22:17,669 they left 'cause they thought they could do better, but not you. 418 00:22:20,756 --> 00:22:22,591 You saw a fixer-upper. 419 00:22:27,429 --> 00:22:30,349 People ask me all the time. They go, "Steve, why do you put up with it?" 420 00:22:30,349 --> 00:22:33,977 Well, I'm a below-average man married to an above-average woman. 421 00:22:34,519 --> 00:22:36,563 And I work my ass off to keep her. 422 00:22:36,563 --> 00:22:38,482 Just like he does, ladies. 423 00:22:38,482 --> 00:22:41,443 So tonight, remember why he fell in love with you 424 00:22:41,443 --> 00:22:43,445 and give him a little some of that tonight. 425 00:22:47,074 --> 00:22:48,992 Please, help him out. 426 00:22:50,994 --> 00:22:53,872 I'll be honest with you, man. I didn't think I even had a chance. 427 00:22:53,872 --> 00:22:56,625 That girl is beautiful, smart, and classy. 428 00:22:56,625 --> 00:23:00,253 And all the other girls I dated before her had glitter on their tits. 429 00:23:03,465 --> 00:23:05,342 But I am dumb and ambitious. 430 00:23:06,009 --> 00:23:08,053 And when you are dumb and ambitious, 431 00:23:08,053 --> 00:23:09,763 you become very successful. 432 00:23:10,305 --> 00:23:12,057 I called her up. It was a Wednesday night. 433 00:23:12,057 --> 00:23:14,643 I'll never forget. It was her first day in town. 434 00:23:14,643 --> 00:23:17,646 I found out that night that she was gonna share one hotel room 435 00:23:17,646 --> 00:23:20,148 with six other people for the next four months. 436 00:23:20,148 --> 00:23:21,483 I told her not to do that. 437 00:23:21,483 --> 00:23:23,944 I said I'm going on the road to do comedy tomorrow. 438 00:23:23,944 --> 00:23:25,445 I will be gone for four days. 439 00:23:25,445 --> 00:23:28,115 You can stay in my apartment and be comfortable. 440 00:23:28,115 --> 00:23:29,533 Nobody will be here but you. 441 00:23:29,533 --> 00:23:32,619 I came back four days later. She was in my apartment. 442 00:23:32,619 --> 00:23:34,037 Now here's what freaked me out. 443 00:23:34,037 --> 00:23:35,122 She cleaned it. 444 00:23:36,665 --> 00:23:38,959 Other girls stayed. They never cleaned it. 445 00:23:39,543 --> 00:23:41,586 They stole some shit, but they never cleaned it. 446 00:23:42,963 --> 00:23:45,882 And I'm talking about for real clean. Fabuloso clean. 447 00:23:45,882 --> 00:23:51,847 I'm talking about, like, this girl swept and mopped and vacuumed. 448 00:23:51,847 --> 00:23:55,183 She washed the sheets on my bed, which had never been done before. 449 00:23:56,226 --> 00:23:58,228 They were still covered in glitter. 450 00:23:59,980 --> 00:24:02,357 But after she cleaned my house, I thought to myself, 451 00:24:02,357 --> 00:24:04,901 "Oh my God. I'mma marry this girl." 452 00:24:06,027 --> 00:24:08,363 And that's the last time she cleaned our house. 453 00:24:15,454 --> 00:24:18,123 It was me and her the next four months. She never left. 454 00:24:18,123 --> 00:24:20,458 We hung out every single day. 455 00:24:20,458 --> 00:24:23,795 At the end of the four months, she said, "I gotta go back to NYU." 456 00:24:23,795 --> 00:24:25,881 "Do me a favor." I said, "Anything." 457 00:24:25,881 --> 00:24:28,633 She goes, "Don't tell anybody from back home that we're dating." 458 00:24:31,136 --> 00:24:32,929 I didn't even know we were dating. 459 00:24:34,431 --> 00:24:36,183 She goes, "Keep our secret." 460 00:24:36,183 --> 00:24:38,143 "I don't want my dad to hear from somebody else." 461 00:24:38,143 --> 00:24:41,188 "Because if he hears from somebody else, he's gonna have a heart attack." 462 00:24:41,188 --> 00:24:43,773 She goes, "We will tell them when we go home for Christmas." 463 00:24:43,773 --> 00:24:44,983 I said, "Okay." 464 00:24:44,983 --> 00:24:46,860 I tried to keep the secret, 465 00:24:46,860 --> 00:24:48,612 but my dad was asking questions. 466 00:24:49,696 --> 00:24:51,823 "What's going on with, uh, Raymond's daughter?" 467 00:24:51,823 --> 00:24:53,617 I said, "Nothing, Dad. Nothing's going on." 468 00:24:53,617 --> 00:24:55,994 "Bullshit nothing's going on." 469 00:24:55,994 --> 00:24:57,412 I said, "Dad, nothing's going on." 470 00:24:57,412 --> 00:24:59,998 He goes, "You're fucking her." I said, "Yes. Yes, I am. Yes, yes." 471 00:25:02,167 --> 00:25:04,002 He goes, "I knew you would, son." 472 00:25:04,794 --> 00:25:06,963 "Listen, they all go dumpster diving." 473 00:25:08,965 --> 00:25:11,134 He goes, "That's where your mother met me." 474 00:25:12,844 --> 00:25:15,222 I said, "Dad, please keep a secret." 475 00:25:15,222 --> 00:25:17,474 "We're gonna tell everybody over Christmas." 476 00:25:17,474 --> 00:25:19,935 But I didn't help my dad keep the secret, okay? 477 00:25:19,935 --> 00:25:21,603 See, I love baseball. 478 00:25:21,603 --> 00:25:24,523 I travel this great country of ours, I go to baseball games. 479 00:25:24,523 --> 00:25:25,899 I miss my dad. 480 00:25:25,899 --> 00:25:28,068 So I always buy him a hat from the home team, 481 00:25:28,068 --> 00:25:29,653 and I mail it to him, right? 482 00:25:29,653 --> 00:25:32,864 So I had gone to New York to visit her. I went to Yankee Stadium. 483 00:25:32,864 --> 00:25:34,241 I bought him a hat. 484 00:25:34,241 --> 00:25:36,743 I asked her to mail it to my dad. 485 00:25:36,743 --> 00:25:38,870 She put her return address. 486 00:25:39,579 --> 00:25:40,789 Some of you remember 487 00:25:40,789 --> 00:25:42,916 that there are three employees at that post office. 488 00:25:44,501 --> 00:25:46,628 Her father is one of them. 489 00:25:46,628 --> 00:25:50,590 My dad gets there to pick up his mail, and her dad is holding the box. 490 00:25:50,590 --> 00:25:53,969 He says, "Why are you getting mail from my daughter?" 491 00:25:53,969 --> 00:25:56,513 And my dad goes, "Well, Steve's fucking her." And he left. 492 00:25:59,808 --> 00:26:01,601 That's how he found out. 493 00:26:03,103 --> 00:26:05,230 We're all laughing now, but shit was bad, man. 494 00:26:06,439 --> 00:26:09,985 I mean, he did not have a heart attack, but he did get Bell's palsy. 495 00:26:10,902 --> 00:26:13,071 For those of you that don't know what Bell's palsy is, 496 00:26:13,071 --> 00:26:15,532 that's when half of your face no longer works. 497 00:26:15,532 --> 00:26:18,368 I have to go home for Christmas, 498 00:26:18,368 --> 00:26:20,287 sit down in front of this man, 499 00:26:20,287 --> 00:26:23,206 and let him know that I am now the boyfriend of his daughter, 500 00:26:23,206 --> 00:26:25,041 and he gave me the number. 501 00:26:25,041 --> 00:26:27,294 And half is face is not working. 502 00:26:28,712 --> 00:26:31,506 And I am a comedian. I don't need this shit. 503 00:26:32,799 --> 00:26:35,760 The only way I know how to make friends is to make jokes. 504 00:26:36,469 --> 00:26:38,680 We sat down together, and he goes, "I'm still mad at you." 505 00:26:38,680 --> 00:26:40,515 And all that came out of my mouth was, 506 00:26:40,515 --> 00:26:42,726 "Well, you should tell the other side of your face." 507 00:26:48,356 --> 00:26:51,985 Six months into her living with me, I got Bell's palsy. 508 00:26:53,111 --> 00:26:56,114 Oh, her father called up right away. He goes, "That's what you get." 509 00:26:56,114 --> 00:26:57,657 "Karma. It's karma!" 510 00:26:58,325 --> 00:27:00,827 I said, "I don't think it's karma. I think it's your daughter." 511 00:27:02,537 --> 00:27:05,624 "I think your daughter gives men that love her Bell's palsy." 512 00:27:07,459 --> 00:27:09,085 'Cause I made a mistake. 513 00:27:09,085 --> 00:27:11,463 And that mistake is I married a beautiful woman. 514 00:27:11,463 --> 00:27:14,341 Beautiful women are a pain in the fucking ass. 515 00:27:15,592 --> 00:27:18,803 They are expensive, they are takers, and they are selfish. 516 00:27:19,763 --> 00:27:23,725 If I could do it all over, I'd marry a chubby six with a good personality. 517 00:27:26,227 --> 00:27:27,979 Those are givers. 518 00:27:29,773 --> 00:27:33,985 And as I say it out loud, I realize that's exactly what she did. 519 00:27:39,032 --> 00:27:40,992 Don't laugh, fellas. I can see most of you. 520 00:27:44,746 --> 00:27:46,706 Me and my wife, man, we're the complete opposite. 521 00:27:46,706 --> 00:27:47,874 That's no bullshit. 522 00:27:47,874 --> 00:27:52,003 We are the complete opposite, and we never, ever, ever agree. 523 00:27:52,003 --> 00:27:54,339 As a matter of fact, my wife told me one time that 524 00:27:54,339 --> 00:27:57,217 she would agree with me, but then we would both be wrong. 525 00:28:00,387 --> 00:28:03,390 Oh, sometimes she agrees with me, and it fucks me up. 526 00:28:04,808 --> 00:28:06,309 It does. She'll be like, "That sounds great." 527 00:28:06,309 --> 00:28:08,353 I'm like, "What the fuck is going on?" 528 00:28:09,521 --> 00:28:12,107 "Well, if you want to do that and be happy, you should." 529 00:28:12,107 --> 00:28:14,150 And I'm like, "Oh, no, no, no, no, no." 530 00:28:15,568 --> 00:28:17,862 "I don't want to be happy. I want to be with you." 531 00:28:22,492 --> 00:28:23,993 Now we're raising kids together. 532 00:28:24,577 --> 00:28:26,621 Oh man. We got an eight-year-old and a three-year-old. 533 00:28:26,621 --> 00:28:27,831 Let me tell you something. 534 00:28:27,831 --> 00:28:30,041 Our life has changed a lot. 535 00:28:30,041 --> 00:28:32,419 And I love being a dad. There's no doubt about it. 536 00:28:32,419 --> 00:28:35,380 Every single day, I love being a dad. Yup. 537 00:28:37,257 --> 00:28:41,678 And I love my kids with everything I got, but they wear me out. 538 00:28:42,637 --> 00:28:45,807 And the only way I can get them to stop moving is that tablet. 539 00:28:45,807 --> 00:28:47,183 I need that tablet. 540 00:28:48,101 --> 00:28:51,855 And my wife's a Virgo. "There's a schedule and a calendar." 541 00:28:52,564 --> 00:28:54,941 "There's rules. There are rules." 542 00:28:54,941 --> 00:28:59,320 My poor kids are only allowed 30 minutes a day, twice a day. That is it. 543 00:28:59,320 --> 00:29:01,197 And I need those 30 minutes. 544 00:29:01,990 --> 00:29:03,908 And I sit those kids down, I give them the tablet, 545 00:29:03,908 --> 00:29:06,327 and I say, "Here, I love you both, but please..." 546 00:29:07,203 --> 00:29:09,873 "I got 30 minutes to fuck your mom." 547 00:29:12,208 --> 00:29:13,877 Twenty-eight to convince her. 548 00:29:17,464 --> 00:29:19,132 I know it's Sunday after church, 549 00:29:19,132 --> 00:29:21,301 but if I don't do it now, it's not gonna happen. 550 00:29:23,219 --> 00:29:26,097 I'm not afraid to admit it. We're day-fuckers, okay? 551 00:29:26,097 --> 00:29:28,308 I'm not saying we don't try to have sex at night. 552 00:29:28,308 --> 00:29:30,393 I'm just saying sometimes we don't make it. 553 00:29:31,436 --> 00:29:32,896 And that's also not fair to me. 554 00:29:32,896 --> 00:29:36,733 I am not in charge of the sexual activities in our home. 555 00:29:36,733 --> 00:29:40,069 My wife is in charge of all sexual activities. 556 00:29:40,695 --> 00:29:41,571 I am the husband. 557 00:29:41,571 --> 00:29:45,241 My job is to have the dick on deck at all times. That's my job, okay? 558 00:29:47,118 --> 00:29:51,122 I don't know when she's gonna need it, but it's always readily available. 559 00:29:51,873 --> 00:29:53,500 I've never said no. 560 00:29:54,167 --> 00:29:58,588 Sometimes in the morning she'll flash me, and I'm like, "I got dick. Right here." 561 00:30:00,423 --> 00:30:02,383 And she'll go, "Tonight." 562 00:30:04,594 --> 00:30:05,553 "For real?" 563 00:30:06,763 --> 00:30:08,389 "Man, don't fuck with me. For real?" 564 00:30:09,849 --> 00:30:11,935 "Show me the schedule. Is it in the schedule?" 565 00:30:16,856 --> 00:30:18,358 And it's in the schedule. 566 00:30:19,108 --> 00:30:21,236 And I'm into it, and she's into it, 567 00:30:21,236 --> 00:30:24,656 and then the night comes, and we're both real quiet in our bed. 568 00:30:25,490 --> 00:30:27,283 I already have my PAP machine on. 569 00:30:31,454 --> 00:30:33,748 I love my wife. She's not a quitter. 570 00:30:33,748 --> 00:30:35,583 "I said I would." 571 00:30:37,210 --> 00:30:39,712 Just the saddest I ever hear her. 572 00:30:41,548 --> 00:30:44,551 "If you want to, I will." 573 00:30:46,261 --> 00:30:49,055 I talk shit back. 574 00:30:56,646 --> 00:30:58,481 I gotta wear that stupid thing! 575 00:30:59,566 --> 00:31:01,442 Captain Evil made me do a sleep study. 576 00:31:01,442 --> 00:31:04,487 I found out I was dying 49 and a half times at night. 577 00:31:06,865 --> 00:31:08,950 You laugh, but I would wake up scared, man. 578 00:31:12,662 --> 00:31:16,583 And then my wife, "Oh my God. Every time you die, you wake me up." 579 00:31:18,585 --> 00:31:20,962 "How many times are you gonna die tonight?" 580 00:31:22,088 --> 00:31:24,757 "I kicked you, I rolled you over." 581 00:31:24,757 --> 00:31:26,885 "I put a pillow on your face." 582 00:31:27,677 --> 00:31:29,053 "Go die in the other room." 583 00:31:30,138 --> 00:31:31,264 "Well, then, die quiet." 584 00:31:31,264 --> 00:31:34,350 "Because if you wake me up again, I'm gonna kill you myself." 585 00:31:35,059 --> 00:31:36,978 "Don't you know that I'm more tired than you?" 586 00:31:36,978 --> 00:31:38,897 "Because I do everything." 587 00:31:44,235 --> 00:31:45,361 My wife says that. 588 00:31:46,321 --> 00:31:48,072 My wife walks around the house talking shit. 589 00:31:48,072 --> 00:31:50,575 "I do everything. I'm exhausted." 590 00:31:51,451 --> 00:31:53,911 "From doing everything, I'm so tired." 591 00:31:56,456 --> 00:31:58,791 She's the only one in our house allowed to be tired. 592 00:31:59,959 --> 00:32:01,169 I tried it one time. 593 00:32:01,836 --> 00:32:03,546 I go,"Babe, can I have a second? I'm tired." 594 00:32:03,546 --> 00:32:04,923 "From what?" 595 00:32:05,965 --> 00:32:08,259 "You're tired from what?" 596 00:32:08,259 --> 00:32:10,053 Shit, my bad, man. 597 00:32:10,637 --> 00:32:13,222 I'll have a cup of coffee and a whiskey and shut the fuck up. 598 00:32:19,020 --> 00:32:20,772 It's hard to raise kids, man. 599 00:32:22,065 --> 00:32:24,233 And it's hard because of TikTok. 600 00:32:25,693 --> 00:32:27,612 Instagram, right? 601 00:32:27,612 --> 00:32:29,030 They watch this shit, man, 602 00:32:29,030 --> 00:32:32,241 and they have no idea what the American dream is anymore. 603 00:32:32,241 --> 00:32:36,996 They watch Tiktok and they think, "Oh, the American dream is fancy cars, 604 00:32:36,996 --> 00:32:39,957 and fancy boats, and fancy clothes, and fancy houses." 605 00:32:39,957 --> 00:32:41,876 Man, that's not the American dream. 606 00:32:41,876 --> 00:32:45,463 My grandparents did not come to this country for fancy things. 607 00:32:45,463 --> 00:32:48,383 They came to this country 'cause they wanted a roof over their head, 608 00:32:48,383 --> 00:32:49,759 a job, 609 00:32:49,759 --> 00:32:52,637 and they wanted to put food in their families' bellies. 610 00:32:52,637 --> 00:32:55,556 And they wanted to make their own decisions for their family 611 00:32:55,556 --> 00:32:57,141 and have a little bit of freedom. 612 00:32:57,141 --> 00:32:58,601 That's the American dream. 613 00:32:58,601 --> 00:33:01,604 Nothing else. Nothing else. 614 00:33:01,604 --> 00:33:02,605 It's hard. 615 00:33:04,565 --> 00:33:06,317 I want to raise my kids the same way I grew up 616 00:33:06,317 --> 00:33:07,819 because I love the way I grew up. 617 00:33:07,819 --> 00:33:10,780 See, I didn't grow up rich, but I didn't grow up poor. 618 00:33:10,780 --> 00:33:13,783 I would never insult my parents and say I grew up poor, right? 619 00:33:13,783 --> 00:33:16,786 We didn't grow up in a big house, but my mom made it a home. 620 00:33:16,786 --> 00:33:19,497 And I want to raise my kids the way I grew up, 621 00:33:19,497 --> 00:33:20,873 but that'll never happen. 622 00:33:20,873 --> 00:33:22,291 Too much has changed. 623 00:33:22,959 --> 00:33:24,168 Right? Too much has changed. 624 00:33:24,168 --> 00:33:26,254 My son can watch cartoons on that damn tablet 625 00:33:26,254 --> 00:33:29,006 as many times as he wants forever. 626 00:33:29,006 --> 00:33:31,592 And all I had growing up was Saturday morning. 627 00:33:32,468 --> 00:33:33,511 And I don't know about you, 628 00:33:33,511 --> 00:33:36,431 but I was awake before the TV came back on the air. 629 00:33:38,266 --> 00:33:42,145 All of you in your twenties right now, you're going, "Wait, what the fuck?" 630 00:33:43,646 --> 00:33:46,441 Yeah, when we were kids, the TV would end. 631 00:33:47,817 --> 00:33:50,319 At night, a flag would come up. 632 00:33:53,364 --> 00:33:54,532 And the... 633 00:33:55,533 --> 00:33:56,451 And the... 634 00:33:56,451 --> 00:33:58,703 The whole house would be like, "Oh, fuck it. Go to bed." 635 00:33:58,703 --> 00:34:00,038 "That's it. 636 00:34:03,082 --> 00:34:07,086 And all the experiences I had growing up that my son will never have. Right? 637 00:34:07,086 --> 00:34:10,047 My son will never know what it's like to sit on the kitchen floor 638 00:34:10,047 --> 00:34:11,549 talking to your girlfriend all night 639 00:34:11,549 --> 00:34:13,259 because the only phone in the house 640 00:34:13,259 --> 00:34:14,761 was stuck to the wall. 641 00:34:16,596 --> 00:34:19,932 And my son will never know the feeling of my dad getting on the other line. 642 00:34:19,932 --> 00:34:21,267 "That's enough. Go to bed." 643 00:34:24,103 --> 00:34:26,981 "Make sure you pee first. I don't want you to wet the bed tonight." 644 00:34:34,322 --> 00:34:36,908 I love, love, love the way I grew up, man. 645 00:34:36,908 --> 00:34:39,577 And all the experiences I had growing up, you know? 646 00:34:39,577 --> 00:34:42,497 Simpler time, right? Simpler time. 647 00:34:42,497 --> 00:34:45,750 My dad had to be at work at five o'clock in the morning, you know? 648 00:34:45,750 --> 00:34:48,669 So my mom, ladies, was left to do everything with us kids. 649 00:34:48,669 --> 00:34:51,255 And when I say everything, I mean, for real, everything. 650 00:34:51,255 --> 00:34:52,548 Not your everything. 651 00:34:53,716 --> 00:34:56,677 Oh, stop, ladies. I know Maria comes twice a month. Stop. 652 00:34:57,970 --> 00:35:01,474 "Oh no. She only does the deep clean. She only does the deep clean." 653 00:35:01,474 --> 00:35:03,142 "I do everything." 654 00:35:05,186 --> 00:35:07,772 My mom would wake us up in the morning for school, you know, 655 00:35:07,772 --> 00:35:10,608 and I miss those days. Simpler times, you know? 656 00:35:10,608 --> 00:35:13,820 And I know my mom loved me the most 'cause she would wake me up last. 657 00:35:14,946 --> 00:35:16,739 And even the way she would wake me up. 658 00:35:16,739 --> 00:35:18,908 She'd walk in my room, and she'd rub my cheek. 659 00:35:19,992 --> 00:35:22,328 And she would say, "Five minutes." 660 00:35:23,746 --> 00:35:25,665 This is how I knew she really loved me the most 661 00:35:25,665 --> 00:35:28,125 'cause I would say, "Ma, I'm cold." 662 00:35:28,125 --> 00:35:30,336 And she would pick out an outfit for me to wear, 663 00:35:30,336 --> 00:35:33,381 and she'd put it in the dryer, and she'd warm it up for me. 664 00:35:33,381 --> 00:35:35,925 Look at all the moms. "Oh my God." 665 00:35:35,925 --> 00:35:38,845 "That is the sweetest thing I will never do." 666 00:35:40,471 --> 00:35:41,472 I don't know about you, 667 00:35:41,472 --> 00:35:44,058 but when I was growing up, man, we never went out to eat. 668 00:35:44,058 --> 00:35:45,518 My mom always cooked. 669 00:35:45,518 --> 00:35:47,478 And we woke up to the smell of breakfast. 670 00:35:47,478 --> 00:35:51,399 My mom would make our lunch, and we would listen to fun music, 671 00:35:51,399 --> 00:35:54,235 and my mom would make that lunch with love and compassion. 672 00:35:54,235 --> 00:35:58,030 She's put us in the newish car, and she'd drive us to school, you know? 673 00:35:58,030 --> 00:35:59,532 And I miss those days. 674 00:35:59,532 --> 00:36:02,118 If you have a good mother like mine, give her a round of applause. 675 00:36:02,118 --> 00:36:03,661 She deserves it. Yes. 676 00:36:03,661 --> 00:36:05,955 Please. Please. 677 00:36:05,955 --> 00:36:07,248 Beautiful days. 678 00:36:09,625 --> 00:36:13,212 But, every once in a while, my dad would take us to school and... 679 00:36:14,964 --> 00:36:16,716 that was the worst day of our life. 680 00:36:17,925 --> 00:36:20,678 And there was no five minute warning. 681 00:36:20,678 --> 00:36:21,846 All we got was... 682 00:36:21,846 --> 00:36:24,056 "Get the fuck up." 683 00:36:24,056 --> 00:36:26,851 And I'd be like, "Oh my God, Dad, is there a fire?" 684 00:36:26,851 --> 00:36:29,353 "There's no fire, fat boy. Get the fuck up." 685 00:36:30,855 --> 00:36:34,942 "But I'm cold. Can you pick out an outfit and put it in the dryer?" 686 00:36:34,942 --> 00:36:37,862 "What the fuck is going on in my house?" 687 00:36:38,613 --> 00:36:41,574 "Your mom's titty's not here for you to suck, titty baby." 688 00:36:43,034 --> 00:36:45,536 "You get out of bed before I get you out of bed." 689 00:36:46,454 --> 00:36:49,874 Me and my sisters would have an emergency meeting in the hallway. 690 00:36:49,874 --> 00:36:51,667 "Do you know what's going on?" 691 00:36:53,252 --> 00:36:56,589 And then my big sis, she'll be like, "Mom left. She finally left." 692 00:36:58,174 --> 00:36:59,717 "She said if we didn't behave, 693 00:36:59,717 --> 00:37:02,553 one day we would wake up, and she would not be here." 694 00:37:03,971 --> 00:37:05,306 "Today is that day." 695 00:37:06,390 --> 00:37:08,226 "Now we're stuck with that asshole." 696 00:37:11,437 --> 00:37:13,856 My dad didn't even know how to take us to school. 697 00:37:14,440 --> 00:37:16,817 He would ask us, "So what do we do now? 698 00:37:17,818 --> 00:37:21,322 "What do we do now? Go get Mom. That's what we do now." 699 00:37:21,948 --> 00:37:24,492 "We should be eating breakfast. We should be singing songs." 700 00:37:24,492 --> 00:37:25,993 "We should be happy." 701 00:37:25,993 --> 00:37:27,411 "We're all sad." 702 00:37:28,454 --> 00:37:30,539 "And this outfit doesn't match." 703 00:37:31,540 --> 00:37:32,708 "And I'm cold." 704 00:37:34,085 --> 00:37:36,545 "At least make our lunch, man." 705 00:37:37,672 --> 00:37:40,007 And then he would make a dad lunch. 706 00:37:40,007 --> 00:37:44,136 Leftover spaghetti between two breads. "What the fuck?" 707 00:37:45,513 --> 00:37:47,473 "We can't take that shit to school." 708 00:37:48,683 --> 00:37:50,726 "All right, kids, let's go." 709 00:37:50,726 --> 00:37:53,729 "'Let's go?' It's 6:32 in the morning." 710 00:37:54,730 --> 00:37:57,066 "School doesn't start till 8:30." 711 00:37:58,234 --> 00:38:02,154 But I forgot that he was gonna take us to school in the work truck. 712 00:38:03,406 --> 00:38:06,659 And it took 40 minutes just to start that piece of shit. 713 00:38:07,910 --> 00:38:11,288 All of you in your twenties, you do not know what a carburetor is. 714 00:38:12,373 --> 00:38:17,086 You do not know that when we were kids, there was no backseat in a pickup truck. 715 00:38:17,086 --> 00:38:20,589 All there was was a bench that went across the front. 716 00:38:20,589 --> 00:38:24,343 And in the middle of the floorboard was a shifter this big. 717 00:38:31,642 --> 00:38:33,060 And if you sat in the middle... 718 00:38:33,060 --> 00:38:34,812 Thank you. 719 00:38:38,441 --> 00:38:41,610 And if you sat in the middle, you had to sit like this. 720 00:38:43,571 --> 00:38:46,365 And he would panic on the freeway. "Move your ass." 721 00:38:46,365 --> 00:38:48,034 "Move your ass!" 722 00:38:48,034 --> 00:38:50,786 You'd move over, and you'd have a shifter right there. 723 00:38:59,754 --> 00:39:01,964 My dad would drive, right? 724 00:39:01,964 --> 00:39:04,675 My little sister, she was the smallest. She was in the middle. 725 00:39:04,675 --> 00:39:06,969 And then my fat sister would sit next to her. 726 00:39:08,012 --> 00:39:11,057 Everybody relax. She identifies as fat. And... 727 00:39:13,059 --> 00:39:16,228 I sat next to the door so I could hold it shut on the turns. 728 00:39:18,689 --> 00:39:20,232 6:35 in the morning, 729 00:39:20,232 --> 00:39:23,235 my dad's already smoking his first Marlboro Red. 730 00:39:23,235 --> 00:39:25,738 In the truck with his kids. 731 00:39:25,738 --> 00:39:27,365 Window cracked that much. 732 00:39:28,074 --> 00:39:31,077 'Cause if he's gonna get cancer, we're all getting cancer. 733 00:39:32,578 --> 00:39:34,705 We did shit as a family back then. 734 00:39:36,582 --> 00:39:40,044 All of you in your twenties, you know where you charge your cellphone? 735 00:39:40,795 --> 00:39:43,798 Yeah. Well, when we were kids, fire came out of there. 736 00:39:47,051 --> 00:39:48,052 Fire. 737 00:39:50,388 --> 00:39:53,015 Took him 20 minutes just to start that truck. 738 00:39:53,516 --> 00:39:54,975 Twenty minutes in the driveway. 739 00:39:57,853 --> 00:40:01,273 He would talk to it like it was his wife. "Come on, Brenda. Come on." 740 00:40:03,025 --> 00:40:05,069 He would do this to it. "Come on, Brenda." 741 00:40:06,946 --> 00:40:08,322 "Come... Come on, baby." 742 00:40:10,241 --> 00:40:13,327 I was a kid. I'm like, "Dad, why do you... why do you..." 743 00:40:16,705 --> 00:40:20,209 So disappointed in me. "'Cause you gotta warm it up!" 744 00:40:25,965 --> 00:40:29,927 Even if he got the truck started, you're still not leaving. 745 00:40:30,594 --> 00:40:32,263 'Cause now he's gotta warm it up. 746 00:40:32,972 --> 00:40:34,223 Twenty more minutes of... 747 00:40:38,477 --> 00:40:41,772 Us kids would be there, "Dad, we're getting sleepy." 748 00:40:42,648 --> 00:40:45,401 "Oh shit. You're not getting sleepy, you're dying." 749 00:40:46,694 --> 00:40:49,113 "That's the exhaust. Roll the window down." 750 00:40:53,075 --> 00:40:58,706 We... We are the last people on planet earth that understand what this means. 751 00:41:00,458 --> 00:41:03,210 That's it. It's just us. 752 00:41:05,087 --> 00:41:07,464 Every... Everybody here, 753 00:41:07,464 --> 00:41:10,885 if I go like this to you, you know I'm saying roll the window down. 754 00:41:12,011 --> 00:41:13,637 What's gonna happen when I'm 70 755 00:41:13,637 --> 00:41:16,432 and I need some 16-year-old to roll the window down? 756 00:41:16,432 --> 00:41:19,810 My dumb ass... 757 00:41:19,810 --> 00:41:24,064 That kid's gonna be like, "Oh my God. That old man wants me to jack him off." 758 00:41:37,119 --> 00:41:39,830 Those of you laughing the hardest, you grew up like me, man. 759 00:41:40,581 --> 00:41:42,666 And the rest of you, fuck you and your privilege. 760 00:41:46,712 --> 00:41:48,589 You know what I'm talking about. 761 00:41:51,800 --> 00:41:56,138 I still... I still remember what that truck smells like, man. 762 00:41:56,764 --> 00:42:00,184 And maybe for you, it wasn't a truck. Maybe it was an old Station Wagon, 763 00:42:00,184 --> 00:42:02,686 or an old piece of shit Chevette, you know? 764 00:42:02,686 --> 00:42:05,940 But you know what it smells like. It had a smell, man. 765 00:42:05,940 --> 00:42:07,733 I used to get in that truck and... 766 00:42:07,733 --> 00:42:09,985 I said, "Dad, what's that smell?" 767 00:42:09,985 --> 00:42:12,488 And he would say, "That's hard work, son." 768 00:42:13,864 --> 00:42:17,243 I'm older now. That is the smell of balls. 769 00:42:18,869 --> 00:42:21,455 That is years and years of manual labor balls 770 00:42:21,455 --> 00:42:23,207 just soaked into the seats. 771 00:42:24,208 --> 00:42:27,044 Mixed in with some Marlboro Red smoke 772 00:42:27,044 --> 00:42:29,838 and a little bit of Crown Royal. That's what that smell is. 773 00:42:31,257 --> 00:42:34,969 Sometimes I walk past a homeless person, I'm like, "Whoo, there's the truck." 774 00:42:39,223 --> 00:42:42,393 All of you in your twenties, man, you've never pushed a vehicle 775 00:42:42,393 --> 00:42:44,186 to pop the clutch. 776 00:42:47,773 --> 00:42:50,943 You've never stalled out. Oh, that truck would stall out, man. 777 00:42:50,943 --> 00:42:52,861 We'd be at the stop sign. Dad would take off. 778 00:42:52,861 --> 00:42:54,905 Pow! Shit. 779 00:42:55,948 --> 00:42:57,741 Break our little baby necks. 780 00:42:58,867 --> 00:43:02,121 It would always roll right out into the middle of the intersection. 781 00:43:02,621 --> 00:43:06,542 Now we gotta start the whole process over in front of the whole town. 782 00:43:09,211 --> 00:43:11,463 Me and my little sister were there, "Come on, Brenda." 783 00:43:13,173 --> 00:43:15,384 "Please, Brenda!" 784 00:43:17,469 --> 00:43:20,764 My fat sister was already eating the spaghetti sandwich. 785 00:43:23,475 --> 00:43:25,060 "It's pretty good." 786 00:43:26,687 --> 00:43:29,189 "Less eating, more fingers!" 787 00:43:35,946 --> 00:43:36,947 Man, we would... 788 00:43:37,656 --> 00:43:41,785 We would get, like, three or four blocks from our school, 789 00:43:42,411 --> 00:43:44,830 and that's when me and my little sister would panic. 790 00:43:44,830 --> 00:43:48,042 Me and my little sister would be like, "Hey, Dad. Right here. We're good, Dad." 791 00:43:49,209 --> 00:43:51,462 "No, we're gonna walk. We're good to walk." 792 00:43:52,671 --> 00:43:56,175 My sister, "'I haven't even finished my spaghetti sandwich." 793 00:43:57,718 --> 00:43:59,053 "I'm not gonna walk." 794 00:44:01,180 --> 00:44:04,516 But my dad would ask us. He would say, "Why do kids want to walk?" 795 00:44:05,351 --> 00:44:07,895 And when you're young, you say dumb shit. 796 00:44:08,771 --> 00:44:12,107 Me and my little sister would say something horrible to my father. 797 00:44:12,691 --> 00:44:14,652 We would say, "Dad, we're embarrassed." 798 00:44:15,194 --> 00:44:16,487 "We're embarrassed of this truck, 799 00:44:16,487 --> 00:44:19,406 and we don't want our friends to see us in this truck with you." 800 00:44:19,406 --> 00:44:21,659 I can't believe I said that to him. 801 00:44:21,659 --> 00:44:23,911 And I'm glad that I get to tell the world 802 00:44:23,911 --> 00:44:26,372 that I am not embarrassed of my father at all. 803 00:44:26,372 --> 00:44:29,875 I am proud of my father. Proud. 804 00:44:31,043 --> 00:44:32,044 Very proud. 805 00:44:33,921 --> 00:44:34,755 Because... 806 00:44:35,255 --> 00:44:38,258 I now know what he was doing 807 00:44:38,258 --> 00:44:39,885 'cause I am now a dad. 808 00:44:39,885 --> 00:44:42,721 And I know that my dad was doing what good men do. 809 00:44:42,721 --> 00:44:45,974 They wake up every day, and they go to work, and they sacrifice 810 00:44:45,974 --> 00:44:48,769 so that their wife and kids can live a better life 811 00:44:48,769 --> 00:44:50,521 than even them themselves. 812 00:44:50,521 --> 00:44:53,232 And that's what my dad was doing. Yup. 813 00:44:55,442 --> 00:44:56,360 So... 814 00:44:58,195 --> 00:45:01,407 now that I'm a dad, I think about Brenda all the time. 815 00:45:03,575 --> 00:45:06,745 I think about Brenda because I was in that truck every once in a while, 816 00:45:06,745 --> 00:45:08,747 and it was the worst day of my life. 817 00:45:08,747 --> 00:45:11,166 And I now realize that my dad was in that truck 818 00:45:11,166 --> 00:45:13,252 every single day for years 819 00:45:13,252 --> 00:45:16,130 just so his family could have a little more. 820 00:45:16,130 --> 00:45:18,924 I realize that my dad never called in sick or drunk. 821 00:45:21,135 --> 00:45:22,928 'Cause even if he was drunk, he went. 822 00:45:24,304 --> 00:45:25,389 Man shit. 823 00:45:26,056 --> 00:45:28,767 He still found the time to coach me in little league. 824 00:45:28,767 --> 00:45:31,395 He was at the school when me and my sisters needed him. 825 00:45:31,395 --> 00:45:34,732 And every Sunday morning, my mom made sure we all got dressed up 826 00:45:34,732 --> 00:45:38,193 and went to church and thanked God for the things that we had. Yeah. 827 00:45:38,944 --> 00:45:39,820 Yup. 828 00:45:42,865 --> 00:45:43,699 Yup. 829 00:45:45,451 --> 00:45:48,912 Like I said, I want my kids, especially my son, 830 00:45:48,912 --> 00:45:50,873 to learn the same lessons I learned growing up, 831 00:45:50,873 --> 00:45:52,458 but he never will. 832 00:45:54,209 --> 00:45:56,295 I mean, I do this for a living, okay? 833 00:45:56,295 --> 00:45:59,798 I can't go home tomorrow and be like, "I work hard for this, son." 834 00:46:00,674 --> 00:46:04,219 My son's gonna be like, "Really? Shitting on Mom on Netflix, is that hard?" 835 00:46:06,221 --> 00:46:07,347 "You don't sacrifice." 836 00:46:07,347 --> 00:46:11,685 "I watch you start your truck with an app on your phone like a little bitch." 837 00:46:16,440 --> 00:46:17,524 So it's hard! 838 00:46:18,192 --> 00:46:22,446 How do you raise kids in this soft, spoiled, crybaby world? I don't know. 839 00:46:22,446 --> 00:46:25,199 All I can tell you is what I do to my son. I make him work. 840 00:46:25,199 --> 00:46:26,700 I put his little ass to work. 841 00:46:26,700 --> 00:46:27,785 He's only eight years old, 842 00:46:27,785 --> 00:46:30,954 but he's in charge of the 11 acres we live on. 843 00:46:30,954 --> 00:46:32,164 He's in charge of the... 844 00:46:32,164 --> 00:46:34,333 Yeah, he helps me with the chicken coop. 845 00:46:34,333 --> 00:46:37,294 He brings in the trash cans. He cleans his own room. 846 00:46:37,294 --> 00:46:40,130 He collects the eggs, and he sells those eggs to the neighbors. 847 00:46:40,130 --> 00:46:42,049 And I tax him 50 percent. 848 00:46:42,049 --> 00:46:43,884 Yes! 849 00:46:47,221 --> 00:46:49,348 Because I have made it, 850 00:46:49,348 --> 00:46:50,766 and he has not! 851 00:46:52,100 --> 00:46:53,727 And he needs to earn it. 852 00:46:55,854 --> 00:46:59,358 These kids are just growing up different than us, man. 853 00:46:59,358 --> 00:47:01,318 You know, it's amazing what these kids want. 854 00:47:01,318 --> 00:47:03,821 They ant hugs, and they want love. I mean... 855 00:47:04,446 --> 00:47:05,531 Encouragement. 856 00:47:07,533 --> 00:47:09,660 Fucking pussies. We didn't grow up like that. 857 00:47:12,287 --> 00:47:15,165 My son will say things to me that blow my mind, man. 858 00:47:15,165 --> 00:47:17,584 We were in the truck together, me and him the other day, 859 00:47:17,584 --> 00:47:20,003 and my son goes, "Dad, 860 00:47:20,003 --> 00:47:23,173 Grandpa Joe told me he was... that he was proud of me." 861 00:47:23,173 --> 00:47:25,092 I'm like, "What the fuck?" 862 00:47:26,635 --> 00:47:29,054 He goes, "Yeah. He gives me hugs and tells me he loves me." 863 00:47:29,054 --> 00:47:30,889 I was like, "What the fuck?" 864 00:47:32,558 --> 00:47:35,185 "Are they good hugs? I bet they're good hugs." 865 00:47:36,728 --> 00:47:39,398 "How does he say I love you? I've never heard it." 866 00:47:44,111 --> 00:47:47,197 My son hears it from me. I've never heard it from my dad. 867 00:47:47,197 --> 00:47:50,325 Me and dad, we like to drink whiskey together, you know? 868 00:47:50,325 --> 00:47:52,703 Even trying to hug him is so awkward. 869 00:47:53,453 --> 00:47:55,414 Like, I'll try, man. I'm like, "Dad, come hug me." 870 00:47:55,414 --> 00:47:57,124 "What the fuck, man?" 871 00:47:58,375 --> 00:48:00,127 "You trying to fuck me or something?" 872 00:48:02,546 --> 00:48:04,548 Shit, I just want a hug, dude. 873 00:48:05,632 --> 00:48:07,426 I'll tell him too. "Dad, tell me you love me." 874 00:48:07,426 --> 00:48:11,013 And his first response is always, "Don't... I'm trying to have a good time." 875 00:48:12,347 --> 00:48:15,100 "Don't... Don't start your shit with me, man." 876 00:48:16,685 --> 00:48:19,855 I go, "One time, Dad, before you die, please tell me you love me. Please." 877 00:48:19,855 --> 00:48:24,276 You know what his second response is? "Why? So you can take advantage of me?" 878 00:48:26,194 --> 00:48:27,321 Then he really fucked me up 879 00:48:27,321 --> 00:48:29,990 'cause he goes, "Do you tell your wife you love her?" 880 00:48:29,990 --> 00:48:33,785 I said, "Of course I do, Dad. Every day I tell my wife I love her." 881 00:48:33,785 --> 00:48:35,579 "And look how she treats you." 882 00:48:44,796 --> 00:48:46,798 But I do love drinking with him, man. 883 00:48:46,798 --> 00:48:49,551 And you have to get old enough in your life, fellas, 884 00:48:49,551 --> 00:48:51,887 to understand they want to tell you things before they die, 885 00:48:51,887 --> 00:48:55,599 and you need to be smart enough to shut the fuck up and listen. Yes. 886 00:48:55,599 --> 00:48:57,309 The problem with my dad, though, 887 00:48:57,309 --> 00:49:00,020 is sometimes he tells me things that I don't need to know. 888 00:49:00,771 --> 00:49:02,356 You know, when we're having our drinks. 889 00:49:02,356 --> 00:49:04,650 Like, one of my favorite things about growing up 890 00:49:04,650 --> 00:49:06,109 was Sunday sundae. 891 00:49:06,109 --> 00:49:08,737 You know, my dad invented it. That's why you don't know what it is. 892 00:49:08,737 --> 00:49:11,239 After church, every once in a while when we were kids, 893 00:49:11,239 --> 00:49:12,991 not all the time, but every once in a while, 894 00:49:12,991 --> 00:49:15,911 my dad would announce to the car, "It's a Sunday sundae." 895 00:49:15,911 --> 00:49:17,621 We would get so happy. 896 00:49:17,621 --> 00:49:19,706 'Cause we knew that he was gonna go to H-E-B, 897 00:49:19,706 --> 00:49:22,000 he was gonna buy three gallons of ice cream, 898 00:49:22,000 --> 00:49:23,210 one for each kid. 899 00:49:23,210 --> 00:49:26,463 All the things you need to make a sundae, he would put it on the kitchen table, 900 00:49:26,463 --> 00:49:29,841 and he would look at us kids and say, "It's a Sunday sundae." 901 00:49:29,841 --> 00:49:32,010 My fat sister would lose her shit. 902 00:49:38,850 --> 00:49:40,227 I loved it! 903 00:49:40,227 --> 00:49:41,561 Dad and I are having drinks, 904 00:49:41,561 --> 00:49:44,106 and I told him, I said, "Dad, I just want to thank you 905 00:49:44,106 --> 00:49:46,900 for all the wonderful memories of Sunday sundae." 906 00:49:46,900 --> 00:49:50,612 He goes, "Hey, I want to thank you 'cause that's when I would fuck your mom." 907 00:50:01,707 --> 00:50:03,709 There goes a good memory, Dad. Thank you, buddy. 908 00:50:10,924 --> 00:50:12,009 But sometimes... 909 00:50:12,718 --> 00:50:15,804 Sometimes my dad tells me something that blows my mind. 910 00:50:15,804 --> 00:50:16,972 Because my dad, 911 00:50:16,972 --> 00:50:20,225 he may not be an educated man, but he's a smart man. 912 00:50:20,225 --> 00:50:23,437 We were back there one day drinking, and my dad came up to me. 913 00:50:23,437 --> 00:50:27,357 He found out that me and my wife had gotten pregnant for the second time. 914 00:50:27,357 --> 00:50:30,360 He said, "I understand you're pregnant." I said, "Yes, sir, we are." 915 00:50:30,360 --> 00:50:32,904 My dad said, "I hope you have a daughter, son." 916 00:50:32,904 --> 00:50:33,989 And I said, "Why, Dad?" 917 00:50:33,989 --> 00:50:37,659 He said, "Because being a girl dad is the most beautiful thing a man can be." 918 00:50:37,659 --> 00:50:40,120 He said being a girl dad is special. 919 00:50:40,120 --> 00:50:41,455 Yeah. 920 00:50:42,581 --> 00:50:43,999 And I didn't understand. 921 00:50:43,999 --> 00:50:46,752 And I looked at my dad and I said, "Dad, I don't understand." 922 00:50:46,752 --> 00:50:48,170 "Because that little boy in there, 923 00:50:48,170 --> 00:50:50,589 I don't know how anything can be more special than that." 924 00:50:50,589 --> 00:50:52,257 And he goes, "You know your sisters?" 925 00:50:52,841 --> 00:50:53,800 "I love them." 926 00:50:59,389 --> 00:51:00,724 He goes, "I like you." 927 00:51:05,228 --> 00:51:07,064 But, man, is he right again. 928 00:51:08,023 --> 00:51:09,232 'Cause I have a daughter. 929 00:51:09,232 --> 00:51:10,901 Her name is Delilah Rae. 930 00:51:11,735 --> 00:51:13,153 Yep. Thank you. 931 00:51:13,153 --> 00:51:15,572 She's the most beautiful girl in all the world. 932 00:51:16,490 --> 00:51:19,576 And it is special, and it is amazing, and it is different. 933 00:51:19,576 --> 00:51:21,787 And I'm sorry for all the husbands in this room 934 00:51:21,787 --> 00:51:23,830 that do not have daughters. 935 00:51:23,830 --> 00:51:26,291 I can't explain to you what it feels like. 936 00:51:26,291 --> 00:51:29,503 But all I can tell you is that my wife puts that little girl in a little dress 937 00:51:29,503 --> 00:51:33,006 with her little bow in her hair and her little purse, 938 00:51:33,006 --> 00:51:36,510 and she walks up to me, and she says, "Daddy, hug you." 939 00:51:37,469 --> 00:51:39,721 And I turn gay as shit. I'm like... 940 00:51:46,561 --> 00:51:48,230 That's my baby! 941 00:51:50,065 --> 00:51:52,567 Somebody get me a mango White Claw. Quick. 942 00:51:56,446 --> 00:51:58,156 And I used to be hard. 943 00:51:58,949 --> 00:52:01,451 And I used to be strong, I used to be tough, 944 00:52:01,451 --> 00:52:03,328 and now I cry at commercials. 945 00:52:04,454 --> 00:52:06,331 I'm like, "Fuck you, St. Jude." 946 00:52:09,209 --> 00:52:11,586 Sarah McLachlan, adopt a puppy. 947 00:52:16,049 --> 00:52:18,760 That little girl puts makeup on my face, and I let her. 948 00:52:19,386 --> 00:52:22,514 She... She paints my toenails, and I let her. 949 00:52:22,514 --> 00:52:25,058 I never shopped a day in my life. 950 00:52:25,058 --> 00:52:27,060 And I'm on Amazon at night showing my wife. 951 00:52:27,060 --> 00:52:29,521 "I'mma buy that for baby girl. I'mma buy that." 952 00:52:30,188 --> 00:52:33,984 That little girl has more clothes and more shoes and more outfits 953 00:52:33,984 --> 00:52:36,778 and more toys than she could ever, ever have. 954 00:52:36,778 --> 00:52:39,489 Meanwhile, my son's in a wife beater that doesn't fit. 955 00:52:40,991 --> 00:52:43,618 His pinky toe's hanging out of his tennis shoe. 956 00:52:44,369 --> 00:52:47,539 He's walking around the house homeless. "What about me, Daddy?" 957 00:52:48,540 --> 00:52:50,625 I'm like, "I don't know, buddy. What about you, man?" 958 00:52:50,625 --> 00:52:53,378 "The trash needs to come in, the yard looks like shit, 959 00:52:53,378 --> 00:52:54,921 the chicken coop needs to be cleaned, 960 00:52:54,921 --> 00:52:57,340 and the customers have been calling. They need their eggs." 961 00:52:59,426 --> 00:53:01,344 "You need to spend some money on yourself, son." 962 00:53:03,013 --> 00:53:04,639 "You want to make extra money around here?" 963 00:53:04,639 --> 00:53:07,142 "Me and your little sister, we're gonna have a tea party." 964 00:53:07,142 --> 00:53:08,476 "You can be the waiter." 965 00:53:14,941 --> 00:53:18,194 'Cause, as a dad, I have two responsibilities. 966 00:53:18,194 --> 00:53:21,072 Responsibility number one is to turn that little boy 967 00:53:21,072 --> 00:53:23,283 into a good hard-working man. 968 00:53:23,283 --> 00:53:25,869 And the only way to do that is to be hard on him. 969 00:53:27,078 --> 00:53:27,996 Yup. 970 00:53:29,915 --> 00:53:32,375 My other responsibility as a dad with my daughter 971 00:53:32,375 --> 00:53:35,587 is to teach her how a man is supposed to treat her. 972 00:53:35,587 --> 00:53:37,255 Yup, big difference. 973 00:53:37,255 --> 00:53:38,256 Right. 974 00:53:39,299 --> 00:53:42,761 So, yes, I will be hard on my son, and I will spoil my daughter 975 00:53:42,761 --> 00:53:45,931 because I reserve the right to ruin some man's life, too, someday. 976 00:53:47,933 --> 00:53:51,061 And I want my daughter's future husband to hear nothing from her but, 977 00:53:51,061 --> 00:53:53,104 "My daddy. My daddy. My father." 978 00:53:54,773 --> 00:53:56,650 "This is not how I'm to be treated." 979 00:53:56,650 --> 00:53:58,818 "My daddy told me... My daddy..." 980 00:54:01,321 --> 00:54:03,156 And I also want that little girl 981 00:54:03,156 --> 00:54:06,368 to grow up to be exactly like my wife. 982 00:54:06,368 --> 00:54:08,286 Oh yeah. 983 00:54:08,286 --> 00:54:09,496 'Cause I want my wife to know 984 00:54:09,496 --> 00:54:11,665 what the fuck it's like to live with her too. 985 00:54:14,334 --> 00:54:16,336 Oh, I want her to get her payback. 986 00:54:17,087 --> 00:54:19,589 And some of you women are having daughters becoming teenagers, 987 00:54:19,589 --> 00:54:22,968 and you can't figure out why you and her can't get along. 988 00:54:24,052 --> 00:54:26,596 Well, congratulations, you have met yourself. 989 00:54:28,014 --> 00:54:30,850 And your husband loves it when you come to him like this. 990 00:54:30,850 --> 00:54:32,102 "Mmm, mmm." 991 00:54:34,145 --> 00:54:36,106 "Go talk to your daughter right now." 992 00:54:36,606 --> 00:54:40,193 "Why? Because she has an attitude problem, 993 00:54:40,193 --> 00:54:42,362 she doesn't take no for an answer, 994 00:54:42,362 --> 00:54:45,365 and she spends every dollar that we give her." 995 00:54:45,365 --> 00:54:48,994 And your husband's sitting there going, "Wow, you know anybody like that?" 996 00:54:50,829 --> 00:54:53,206 "Oh, shut up. Your payback's coming 997 00:54:53,206 --> 00:54:55,500 because she's gonna marry a dumbass like you 998 00:54:55,500 --> 00:54:57,877 and give you both Bell's palsy." 999 00:54:59,462 --> 00:55:01,172 "Payback, bitch." 1000 00:55:01,172 --> 00:55:03,174 I am Steve Treviño. Thank you. 1001 00:55:03,174 --> 00:55:07,470 Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. 1002 00:55:14,769 --> 00:55:15,854 ♪ Well, I was raised up... ♪ 1003 00:55:15,854 --> 00:55:16,813 Thank you! 1004 00:55:18,231 --> 00:55:20,317 This show is dedicated 1005 00:55:21,109 --> 00:55:23,778 to people like my mom and my dad, 1006 00:55:24,404 --> 00:55:26,740 people like my wife's mom and dad, 1007 00:55:26,740 --> 00:55:31,202 to the people that wake up every single day and do the hard jobs, 1008 00:55:31,202 --> 00:55:33,079 the hard-working people of the world. 1009 00:55:33,079 --> 00:55:36,124 I want this special to be for you. 1010 00:55:36,124 --> 00:55:38,418 {\an8}Thank you! Thank you! 1011 00:55:42,589 --> 00:55:44,299 {\an8}And I could not live my life 1012 00:55:44,299 --> 00:55:47,260 {\an8}and do all the things I do without my beautiful wife, 1013 00:55:47,260 --> 00:55:50,180 {\an8}Captain Evil, the director and the producer tonight. 1014 00:55:50,180 --> 00:55:52,432 {\an8}Give her a round of applause, please. 1015 00:55:55,894 --> 00:55:59,230 {\an8}♪ Don't let me catch you fittin' in ♪ 1016 00:56:00,607 --> 00:56:02,567 {\an8}♪ 'Cause everyone's an outlaw ♪ 1017 00:56:05,361 --> 00:56:07,947 {\an8}♪ Till it's time to do outlaw shit ♪ 1018 00:56:12,202 --> 00:56:15,080 {\an8}My wife and I, we love you guys so much. 1019 00:56:15,080 --> 00:56:17,582 {\an8}Thank you for the continued love and support. 1020 00:56:18,124 --> 00:56:19,000 {\an8}Goodnight. 1021 00:56:24,089 --> 00:56:27,300 {\an8}♪ Well, I was raised up by a simple man ♪ 1022 00:56:27,300 --> 00:56:32,180 {\an8}♪ I grew up with a gun in my hand ♪