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Downloaded from
YTS.MX
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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Ladies and gentlemen,
are you ready?
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Please welcome
the one and only Steve Treviño!
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Thank you, San Antonio!
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The Tobin Center. Thank you.
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Thank you. Please sit down.
Please, please, please. Thank you.
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Those of you that are new to me
and don't know what I do,
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my show is comedy/cry for help.
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I'm a family man. I'm a simple man.
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I live my life with my family.
They do dumb shit, and I come and report.
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That's what I do.
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Let's start with my wife, Captain Evil.
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Let's start with her.
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Because...
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Ugh.
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She's got a new friend, my wife.
Got a new friend.
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And it sucks when my wife
has a new friend because
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if the new friend has a husband,
I gotta hang out with that guy.
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She puts me on a husband play date
like I'm a three-year-old.
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And the problem is, if my wife likes her
and I don't like him,
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we're hanging out.
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But if I like him
and she doesn't like her,
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I'm never seeing that guy again.
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That's how that works.
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Well, I don't like the new guy.
I don't like the new guy.
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My wife goes,
"You know why you don't like him?"
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I said, "Why?"
She goes, "'Cause he's a Leo."
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"And you're a Capricorn."
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"And Leos and Capricorns,
they just don't get along."
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"That's why you don't like him."
I said, "Really?"
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"I thought I didn't like him
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because he shakes my hand
like a little bitch."
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He doesn't like sports,
and he drinks White Claws.
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I thought that's why I didn't like him.
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And some of you men are upset
because you drink White Claws.
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You shouldn't be upset.
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You should be ashamed of yourself
is what you should be.
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And I would like to have a conversation
with your father if you have one.
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But, yes, I am a family man.
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Not a lot of exciting things
happen in my life for single people
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because they don't know what it's like
to be a family man.
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I do have exciting weeks.
I coach little league.
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Yeah, I'm proud to coach little league.
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I know there's a lot of people in here
that coach little league.
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For those of you that don't know this,
it is a volunteer position.
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I do not get paid to coach little league,
nor do I have a coaching degree.
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So on behalf of all of us
that volunteer our time to coach,
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those of you that don't coach,
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do us coaches a favor
and shut the fuck up, okay?
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Because...
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...nothing pisses me off more
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than the parents
that don't come to practice.
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They only come to the games,
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and now they wanna get involved
with what I got going on on the field.
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"Uh, Coach, can I talk to you?"
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No, motherfucker, you can't.
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"Well, I don't understand why my son
never gets to play first base."
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Well, if you came to practice,
you would understand that your son sucks.
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We're throwing real baseballs now,
and he can't catch for shit.
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I'm afraid your son's gonna
get hit in the face and die.
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But because it is little league
and I have to play everybody,
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I put your son in right field
so he can play with the flowers.
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If some of you have kids
under the age of eight years old
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and they're in right field, take a hint.
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That's another reason I get mad, you know?
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'Cause I have these kids on our team,
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they don't want to play baseball.
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Parents, do not put your kid in something
they don't want to do, okay?
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Every... Yes.
Every year I look at my lineup,
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I go, "Bryson again?
They signed this poor bastard up again?"
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I understand finish what you started,
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but fuck it,
let's torture him another year.
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And I don't know what these dads see
'cause I know they don't see what I see.
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Every time Bryson goes up to bat,
he stands like this.
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And his dad's over there,
"Come on, Bryson!"
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I'm like, "Motherfucker,
Bryson ain't coming on."
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He's the only kid on the team
that irons his uniform and tucks it in.
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I asked Bryson if we were
getting dirty today and he goes,
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"No!"
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I don't think Bryson's
gonna be a baseball player.
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There's gonna be balls in his life,
they're just not gonna be baseballs, okay?
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And by...
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By the way, before you cancel me,
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I don't have a problem
with Bryson being gay.
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This is America. He can be
whatever the fuck he wants to be.
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Yes. I have...
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I have a problem with the dad
not seeing what I see.
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And I'm a little jealous of Bryson. I am.
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He's gonna grow up
and have a beautiful life, that Bryson.
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I can't imagine how good my life would be
with two male incomes.
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But I only...
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I only tell you that story
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to get to the story
where my wife gets involved.
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Every year's the same.
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Every year we do
a little something for the boys
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at the end of the season, all right?
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This year was no different.
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I called up my other coach,
I said, "Hey, one more practice left."
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I said, "Why don't we surprise the boys
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with bouncy house and pizza
instead of practice?"
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He goes, "Great idea, Steve.
I'll get the bouncy house,
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you get the pizza."
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Ladies, we were done planning.
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And then here comes... here comes my wife.
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She goes, "What are you doing?"
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I said, "We're doing bouncy house
and pizza on Tuesday."
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And then she goes, "I don't have time
to throw a party on Tuesday."
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I said, "Well, it's not a party,
it's a bouncy house and pizza."
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She says, "I better let the moms know
we're gonna have a party on Tuesday."
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I said, "There's no party.
It is a bouncy house and pizza!"
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But that's my wife.
Everything has to turn into a thing.
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Everything now has to be a party.
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There has to be matching baseball plates
and baseball tablecloths,
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and a baseball balloon arch.
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And I'm... I'm sorry, ladies,
but these are little boys.
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They don't give a fuck.
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Maybe Bryson does, but the rest...
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...don't give a fuck.
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And I... And I try.
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I try to tell my wife
that everything she does,
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she does it to herself.
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If my wife only understood.
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I try to tell her, as men,
we are simple people.
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Right? I'm very happy
watching the football game
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on Sunday with my friends,
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eating out of a bag of chips
and a box of pizza.
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And then here she comes
with her wooden bowl.
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She has to pour the chips
in the wooden bowl.
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Twenty minutes later,
here comes the charcuterie board.
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And all the cheese
is shaped like footballs,
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and there's a... a pretzel field goal post.
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Don't get me wrong,
I like charcuterie boards. I like 'em.
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So I'm not mad at her
for making me a charcuterie board, okay?
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As a matter of fact,
I appreciate her for that.
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But you know what?
You know what I don't like?
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Later that night,
when she's washing dishes,
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fucking mad at me.
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"I can't believe you did this to me."
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"I did this to you?
I'm pretty sure you did this to you."
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You need to stop being at me
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when you throw parties
you're not invited to.
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Not a good time to point at your wife.
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On my show, you laugh, you look forward.
You laugh...
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...you look forward.
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Unless you've been married over 15 years.
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At that point, laugh in her face.
That's a whole nother level.
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I'm only talking to the men
that just got married.
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Those of you men that just got married,
you do not talk shit to your wife.
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You wait for a lot of years to go by,
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and you're both out of options.
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And you'll know too
because it's a beautiful feeling of stuck.
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There comes a time in your marriage
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where you look across the table
and just go, "Fuck."
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It's me and you, man. It's me and you.
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There are times that me and my wife
are in a... in an argument,
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and then we both start laughing.
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'Cause she knows I'mma bring it on stage.
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So here's one of those arguments.
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I want to start off by talking
to all the wives in the room.
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All the wives,
I want you to know something. Yep.
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I want you to know something.
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I want every wife here to know
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that when my wife asks me
to do something for her,
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I just do it.
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Yeah. Yeah.
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She asks me to do it, I do it.
No questions asked. And I tell you why.
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I love my wife.
I have a lot of respect for my wife.
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I trust my wife.
She is my teammate, and she is my partner.
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Yeah. Yeah.
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I'm glad you ladies are clapping
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'cause I would like to know
how come when I ask her
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to do something for me,
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oh, motherfucker, there's questions!
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Lots and lots of fucking questions.
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Zero respect, zero trust.
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It's always over something simple.
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You know, what happens is
I ask her to do something for me
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and then she asks a question.
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Then I very politely answer that question.
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But she doesn't like my answer,
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so she rewords her question,
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and I give her the same answer.
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She doesn't like that answer again,
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so she rewords the same question,
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and then I lose my fucking shit.
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And then, somehow, I'm the asshole again.
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And I have to hear my wife's,
"Oh my God, you're crazy."
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I'm crazy?
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You ask the same question
over and over and over again
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expecting different results.
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That is the definition of crazy.
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The reason I'm crazy
is 'cause you're fucking crazy.
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And it's always over something simple.
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All she has to do is do what I asked
like I do for her, and we wouldn't fight.
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Right? So we were all...
We made plans with two other families
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that we were gonna go
to the water park together, okay?
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The other husband, Jake,
from the other family,
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he called me up, and he said,
"Hey, man, there's a lot of us."
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"Why don't we get two cabanas?"
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"That way, we have somewhere to sit,
and that way, we're all comfortable."
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I said, "Great idea."
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He said, "We'll get two of 'em,
and we'll split it three ways."
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I said, "Great idea."
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He goes, "We'll get two of 'em,
and you book it."
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"That way they're together."
I said, "No problem."
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I went over to my wife
to ask her to book the cabanas
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because booking cabanas is her department.
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So I went over to her, and I said,
"Hey, baby, can you book two cabanas?"
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And then she goes,
"What? Why do we need two cabanas?"
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I said, "'Cause I'm asking, pretty girl.
Can you please book two cabanas?"
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"Are you sure that we need two cabanas?"
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"Yeah, it's the second time
I've said yes."
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"I am sure that we need two cabanas.
So, pretty girl, if you could, please,
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book two cabanas."
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"Well, I don't want to have to pay
for two cabanas."
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"We're not gonna pay
for two cabanas, honey. Okay?"
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"We're gonna split it three ways.
Can you please book two cabanas?"
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"Well, how many people are we gonna have?"
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"Because one cabana says
it holds ten people."
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"Fourteen.
We're gonna have fourteen, honey."
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"Fourteen is more than ten.
You see how that works?"
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"Can you please book two cabanas?"
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"Well, not all of us are gonna be
in the cabana at the same time."
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"Are you sure?"
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"Yes! I'm fucking sure
that I need two fucking cabanas!"
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And that leads to...
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"I don't like the way
you're talking to me."
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00:12:11,021 --> 00:12:14,233
"Now there's gonna be 13 'cause..."
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"I don't know why you
have to be such a dick all the time."
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I said, "Well, it's our horoscope."
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"I'm a Capricorn,
you're whatever the fuck September is."
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I know she's a Virgo.
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00:12:34,378 --> 00:12:35,546
I know.
235
00:12:35,546 --> 00:12:39,717
I know why wife's a Virgo.
I hear it out of her mouth every day.
236
00:12:39,717 --> 00:12:42,887
She walks around the house,
"It's my Virgoness. It's my Virgo..."
237
00:12:43,804 --> 00:12:46,182
"It's 'cause I'm a Virgo."
238
00:12:47,349 --> 00:12:50,728
She makes me laugh too 'cause she says
that being a Virgo is special.
239
00:12:50,728 --> 00:12:52,146
That's what she says.
240
00:12:52,146 --> 00:12:56,776
Yeah. There's a lot of Virgos here, right?
Yeah, let me hear the Virgos. Yeah.
241
00:12:57,693 --> 00:12:58,986
Oh, there's always Virgos
242
00:12:58,986 --> 00:13:02,031
because it is the number one sign.
Are you aware of that?
243
00:13:02,031 --> 00:13:04,992
And would you like to know
why it's the number one sign?
244
00:13:04,992 --> 00:13:08,454
Because nine months before September
is Christmas.
245
00:13:10,039 --> 00:13:13,709
That's right. Your dad put together
a swing set for your older sibling.
246
00:13:14,668 --> 00:13:16,587
Guess what he got for Christmas.
247
00:13:17,588 --> 00:13:19,089
Some Christmas pussy.
248
00:13:21,467 --> 00:13:22,885
Happy New Year!
249
00:13:22,885 --> 00:13:25,471
Bah! Virgo.
250
00:13:27,473 --> 00:13:29,725
You're not special. You're an accident.
251
00:13:38,984 --> 00:13:41,362
Yes, my wife is a Virgo.
252
00:13:41,362 --> 00:13:42,988
I am a Capricorn.
253
00:13:43,948 --> 00:13:45,699
Now, we have, uh...
254
00:13:45,699 --> 00:13:47,535
We have been together a long time,
me and her,
255
00:13:47,535 --> 00:13:51,038
and we have a... a very special love story
I'd like to share with you.
256
00:13:51,038 --> 00:13:53,666
We all ended up together
someway somehow, right?
257
00:13:53,666 --> 00:13:56,710
How you met your spouse.
I will tell you how I met mine.
258
00:13:56,710 --> 00:13:58,629
I have known her my entire life.
259
00:13:58,629 --> 00:14:00,923
Yep. People don't know that
about me and my wife.
260
00:14:00,923 --> 00:14:03,259
We grew up together
in Gregory-Portland Texas,
261
00:14:03,259 --> 00:14:05,427
near Corpus Christi, Texas. Yep.
262
00:14:07,888 --> 00:14:09,557
We both went to the same high school.
263
00:14:09,557 --> 00:14:12,768
I am older than her,
so I graduated before her.
264
00:14:12,768 --> 00:14:15,396
I barely graduated from that high school.
265
00:14:15,396 --> 00:14:17,481
Thank God for special classes.
266
00:14:19,066 --> 00:14:23,153
She graduated years after me
as the valedictorian of that high school.
267
00:14:23,153 --> 00:14:24,154
Yeah.
268
00:14:24,154 --> 00:14:27,116
People like to be impressed with that,
and I think that's bullshit.
269
00:14:28,701 --> 00:14:32,496
Should've been more impressed with me.
It was harder for me to graduate.
270
00:14:33,789 --> 00:14:38,002
I didn't even get to change classrooms,
so that's pretty good.
271
00:14:41,255 --> 00:14:43,465
It is safe to say
that we are complete opposites.
272
00:14:43,465 --> 00:14:44,425
Yes, we are.
273
00:14:44,425 --> 00:14:46,844
Me and my wife are complete opposites.
274
00:14:46,844 --> 00:14:49,638
However,
we have been married for a long time.
275
00:14:49,638 --> 00:14:52,391
And I think because we are opposites
276
00:14:52,391 --> 00:14:54,435
and we bring different things to the team,
277
00:14:54,435 --> 00:14:56,353
it makes for a stronger team.
278
00:14:56,353 --> 00:14:59,273
And that is why our marriage
is successful. Yes.
279
00:14:59,273 --> 00:15:01,233
Yeah.
280
00:15:01,233 --> 00:15:02,526
For example,
281
00:15:03,110 --> 00:15:05,779
I come up with great ideas,
282
00:15:06,363 --> 00:15:08,324
and then she shits on them.
283
00:15:10,200 --> 00:15:14,038
And together, as a team,
she decides that I'm a fucking idiot.
284
00:15:14,997 --> 00:15:17,875
And then three months later,
she rewords my idea,
285
00:15:17,875 --> 00:15:21,670
and now it's a badass idea.
It's...
286
00:15:21,670 --> 00:15:23,923
'Cause she's so smart. Yeah.
287
00:15:24,715 --> 00:15:26,216
Yeah.
288
00:15:26,216 --> 00:15:27,968
I am a... I'm laid back, man.
289
00:15:27,968 --> 00:15:30,137
I'm a go-with-the-flow kind of guy.
That's me.
290
00:15:30,137 --> 00:15:32,848
I'm a, "Fuck it. Don't worry about it.
We'll figure it out."
291
00:15:32,848 --> 00:15:34,934
That's how I live my life. Yup.
292
00:15:34,934 --> 00:15:37,353
Very simple. I go with the flow, baby.
293
00:15:37,353 --> 00:15:39,313
I'm like a palm tree. I stand tall,
294
00:15:39,313 --> 00:15:42,358
but I go with the fucking flow.
You know what I mean?
295
00:15:42,358 --> 00:15:43,484
I don't break.
296
00:15:44,026 --> 00:15:46,403
Now my wife, oh, my wife is organized.
297
00:15:46,403 --> 00:15:47,988
My wife has a label maker,
298
00:15:47,988 --> 00:15:51,867
and she walks around the house
labeling where shit goes.
299
00:15:51,867 --> 00:15:55,329
God forbid I put my baseball hat
on the end table that night.
300
00:15:55,329 --> 00:15:57,957
Oh, the wheels fall off at our house.
301
00:15:58,540 --> 00:16:01,293
"Does your hat go there?
Why is your hat there?"
302
00:16:01,293 --> 00:16:04,630
"It doesn't say hat.
It says lamp, and it says clock."
303
00:16:04,630 --> 00:16:06,006
"It doesn't say hat."
304
00:16:06,006 --> 00:16:09,468
"I made a container for your hat,
and I labeled it hat."
305
00:16:09,468 --> 00:16:11,136
"There is a hat container."
306
00:16:11,136 --> 00:16:14,306
"There's a fucking container
that says hat in the closet."
307
00:16:14,306 --> 00:16:16,225
"Put it in the hat container."
308
00:16:17,226 --> 00:16:19,478
Motherfucker, she loves containers.
309
00:16:20,562 --> 00:16:22,773
Oh, my wife has a container
310
00:16:22,773 --> 00:16:25,317
full of containers
that she labeled "Container."
311
00:16:26,735 --> 00:16:29,988
My wife will go out,
and she will buy new containers
312
00:16:29,988 --> 00:16:31,865
to replace containers she already bought
313
00:16:31,865 --> 00:16:35,077
because, fuck it,
let's light money on fire.
314
00:16:37,788 --> 00:16:40,582
They made a whole store for my wife.
It's called "The Container Store."
315
00:16:41,625 --> 00:16:44,670
And she will come home from
The Container Store with 68 containers,
316
00:16:44,670 --> 00:16:47,297
and it is the best day of her life.
317
00:16:47,297 --> 00:16:49,383
She comes home excited.
318
00:16:49,383 --> 00:16:51,468
"Look at my containers!"
319
00:16:52,386 --> 00:16:54,972
"Babe, I can't wait
to spend the next six days
320
00:16:54,972 --> 00:16:57,725
organizing and labeling containers."
321
00:16:57,725 --> 00:17:00,227
"And then I'm gonna go
to the grocery store."
322
00:17:00,227 --> 00:17:02,771
"I'm gonna buy things
that already come in containers."
323
00:17:02,771 --> 00:17:04,314
"I'm gonna bring those things home,
324
00:17:04,314 --> 00:17:06,108
I'm gonna take 'em out
of those containers,
325
00:17:06,108 --> 00:17:08,652
and I'm gonna put them
in pretty labeled containers."
326
00:17:08,652 --> 00:17:12,197
"And then I'm gonna walk around the house
bitching and complaining
327
00:17:12,197 --> 00:17:15,534
about all the fucking work
I created for myself."
328
00:17:22,666 --> 00:17:24,001
And I'm the crazy one.
329
00:17:25,127 --> 00:17:26,754
Every day, she walks around our house,
330
00:17:26,754 --> 00:17:29,423
"I can't! It's too much.
It's too much. It's too much."
331
00:17:30,132 --> 00:17:33,010
"I can't. I can't. I can't.
It's too much. It's too much."
332
00:17:33,010 --> 00:17:36,638
And I'm just sitting on the couch going,
"Well, fucking don't."
333
00:17:38,515 --> 00:17:40,559
I don't make her do that.
334
00:17:41,143 --> 00:17:43,812
Everything she does,
she does it to herself.
335
00:17:44,396 --> 00:17:46,440
She acts like I came home one day,
336
00:17:46,440 --> 00:17:48,942
went in the pantry,
grabbed the oatmeal, and said,
337
00:17:48,942 --> 00:17:51,111
"Bitch, is this in
its original container?"
338
00:17:52,696 --> 00:17:54,698
I don't fucking think so.
339
00:17:55,324 --> 00:17:59,578
You find a store that sells containers,
and you get that shit over here right now.
340
00:18:00,496 --> 00:18:03,081
I want this house
to look like a biology lab.
341
00:18:04,291 --> 00:18:06,668
And nobody needs to know when this expires
342
00:18:06,668 --> 00:18:08,295
or the nutritional facts.
343
00:18:11,298 --> 00:18:14,218
She's a hoarder. Oh, my wife's a hoarder.
344
00:18:15,010 --> 00:18:18,806
Not me, man. I'm fuck it. Throw it away.
Give it away. That's me.
345
00:18:18,806 --> 00:18:21,642
Not my wife. "I'mma sell it.
I'mma sell it. I'mma sell it."
346
00:18:22,768 --> 00:18:25,187
"No, babe. I'mma sell it!"
347
00:18:25,187 --> 00:18:30,025
"Put it in the garage with 50 other things
I said I was gonna sell and never did."
348
00:18:30,818 --> 00:18:31,985
"I'mma sell it."
349
00:18:33,487 --> 00:18:36,907
"Babe, I made two trash bags full
350
00:18:36,907 --> 00:18:39,368
of clothes that we no longer wear."
351
00:18:39,368 --> 00:18:42,037
"I need you to put those
in the back of my car
352
00:18:42,037 --> 00:18:45,040
so I can drive around for two years
with that shit back there."
353
00:18:50,295 --> 00:18:52,923
That shit is out of style
by the time she donates it.
354
00:18:55,300 --> 00:18:58,095
I wait for her not to be home.
I load that shit in my truck.
355
00:18:58,095 --> 00:19:00,681
I go to Goodwill, and I go, "Fuck it."
356
00:19:02,349 --> 00:19:04,101
Then I go to the ATM machine.
357
00:19:04,101 --> 00:19:07,104
I take 500 dollars out,
and I go, "Here, baby. I sold it."
358
00:19:10,399 --> 00:19:12,359
And then she shits on me again.
359
00:19:12,359 --> 00:19:14,194
"Is that all you got?"
360
00:19:16,613 --> 00:19:20,659
"For all that stuff you got 500 dollars?"
361
00:19:21,493 --> 00:19:23,412
"What were you thinking?"
362
00:19:24,746 --> 00:19:27,332
"Well, baby, I don't think, honey.
Special needs."
363
00:19:29,835 --> 00:19:31,003
"You're the best."
364
00:19:32,171 --> 00:19:36,508
My wife... Her ability to not make mistakes,
that is talent. My wife has talent.
365
00:19:37,134 --> 00:19:38,886
That woman is perfect.
366
00:19:39,761 --> 00:19:41,346
Oh, she never fucks up.
367
00:19:42,264 --> 00:19:44,141
She'll argue with the GPS.
368
00:19:45,767 --> 00:19:48,854
"Why did you turn there?"
I'm like, "I don't know. NASA told me to."
369
00:19:50,314 --> 00:19:51,440
"Well, that's not faster."
370
00:19:51,440 --> 00:19:53,775
"Fuck no, baby. Tell me how to get there."
371
00:20:01,033 --> 00:20:03,911
So I graduated
from Gregory-Portland High School,
372
00:20:03,911 --> 00:20:05,370
and I wanted to be a comedian.
373
00:20:05,370 --> 00:20:08,916
So I drove out to Los Angeles, California
to start my career.
374
00:20:08,916 --> 00:20:11,460
She graduated as the valedictorian,
the homecoming queen,
375
00:20:11,460 --> 00:20:13,212
the fucking everything queen.
376
00:20:13,212 --> 00:20:17,257
She ended up with this full scholarship
to go to NYU in New York City.
377
00:20:17,257 --> 00:20:19,301
She goes to New York, I go to Los Angeles.
378
00:20:19,301 --> 00:20:21,762
Now you're thinking to yourself,
"Well, how did the two of you
379
00:20:21,762 --> 00:20:22,888
end up together?"
380
00:20:22,888 --> 00:20:25,182
Well, I went home to visit my parents,
381
00:20:25,182 --> 00:20:28,977
and me and my dad were drinking
and driving around town like we do and...
382
00:20:29,895 --> 00:20:33,565
Everybody relax.
I was driving, he was drinking, okay?
383
00:20:33,565 --> 00:20:35,192
Later on, we switched, but...
384
00:20:36,902 --> 00:20:38,862
Everybody relax 'cause were Texans.
385
00:20:38,862 --> 00:20:40,906
We weren't really drinking.
It was just beer.
386
00:20:48,789 --> 00:20:53,210
We decided to stop at the post office,
and that is where we ran into her father.
387
00:20:53,210 --> 00:20:55,420
I am not surprised
that we ran into her father there.
388
00:20:55,420 --> 00:20:56,546
He works there.
389
00:20:56,546 --> 00:20:59,049
There's three employees. He's one of them.
390
00:21:00,550 --> 00:21:03,720
I also want to make it very clear
in this story that everybody understands
391
00:21:03,720 --> 00:21:05,264
that I did not go up to him.
392
00:21:05,264 --> 00:21:07,015
He came up to me.
393
00:21:07,015 --> 00:21:09,643
And he said,
"Steve, I've been looking for you."
394
00:21:09,643 --> 00:21:12,312
He said, "My daughter's gonna be
in Los Angeles starting next week
395
00:21:12,312 --> 00:21:13,397
for the next four months."
396
00:21:13,397 --> 00:21:15,565
"I'm very worried about my baby girl."
397
00:21:15,565 --> 00:21:17,651
"And I don't know anybody
that lives there but you."
398
00:21:17,651 --> 00:21:19,653
"I would like to ask you, Steve,
399
00:21:19,653 --> 00:21:22,698
to please be there for my daughter
if she needs you."
400
00:21:22,698 --> 00:21:25,283
He wrote her phone number down
on a little piece of paper
401
00:21:25,283 --> 00:21:26,660
and he handed it to me.
402
00:21:26,660 --> 00:21:28,578
I thought to myself, "Wow."
403
00:21:28,578 --> 00:21:31,540
"I knew I was gonna fuck her.
I didn't know you were gonna hook it up."
404
00:21:38,130 --> 00:21:39,256
I didn't say that.
405
00:21:40,424 --> 00:21:42,509
What came out of my mouth
was more like Allstate.
406
00:21:42,509 --> 00:21:44,344
I go, "She's in good hands."
407
00:21:48,348 --> 00:21:51,059
And I'm sorry I said that, ladies,
but that is the truth.
408
00:21:51,768 --> 00:21:53,645
I know you're thinking to yourself,
"Wow, Steve."
409
00:21:53,645 --> 00:21:56,440
"I thought you and Renae
started a little more romantic than that."
410
00:21:56,440 --> 00:21:57,858
No, no, no, no, no.
411
00:21:59,234 --> 00:22:00,152
Ladies, I'm sorry,
412
00:22:00,152 --> 00:22:03,447
but that guy that you met
that took you candle making and antiquing,
413
00:22:03,447 --> 00:22:05,073
he only did that to get laid.
414
00:22:07,075 --> 00:22:08,577
Yeah, that's why he did it.
415
00:22:08,577 --> 00:22:11,246
'Cause he got what he wanted,
and you got what you wanted.
416
00:22:11,830 --> 00:22:14,833
You know what? I'm proud of you ladies
because all the other women before you,
417
00:22:14,833 --> 00:22:17,669
they left 'cause they thought
they could do better, but not you.
418
00:22:20,756 --> 00:22:22,591
You saw a fixer-upper.
419
00:22:27,429 --> 00:22:30,349
People ask me all the time. They go,
"Steve, why do you put up with it?"
420
00:22:30,349 --> 00:22:33,977
Well, I'm a below-average man
married to an above-average woman.
421
00:22:34,519 --> 00:22:36,563
And I work my ass off to keep her.
422
00:22:36,563 --> 00:22:38,482
Just like he does, ladies.
423
00:22:38,482 --> 00:22:41,443
So tonight,
remember why he fell in love with you
424
00:22:41,443 --> 00:22:43,445
and give him
a little some of that tonight.
425
00:22:47,074 --> 00:22:48,992
Please, help him out.
426
00:22:50,994 --> 00:22:53,872
I'll be honest with you, man.
I didn't think I even had a chance.
427
00:22:53,872 --> 00:22:56,625
That girl is beautiful, smart, and classy.
428
00:22:56,625 --> 00:23:00,253
And all the other girls I dated before her
had glitter on their tits.
429
00:23:03,465 --> 00:23:05,342
But I am dumb and ambitious.
430
00:23:06,009 --> 00:23:08,053
And when you are dumb and ambitious,
431
00:23:08,053 --> 00:23:09,763
you become very successful.
432
00:23:10,305 --> 00:23:12,057
I called her up. It was a Wednesday night.
433
00:23:12,057 --> 00:23:14,643
I'll never forget.
It was her first day in town.
434
00:23:14,643 --> 00:23:17,646
I found out that night
that she was gonna share one hotel room
435
00:23:17,646 --> 00:23:20,148
with six other people
for the next four months.
436
00:23:20,148 --> 00:23:21,483
I told her not to do that.
437
00:23:21,483 --> 00:23:23,944
I said I'm going on the road
to do comedy tomorrow.
438
00:23:23,944 --> 00:23:25,445
I will be gone for four days.
439
00:23:25,445 --> 00:23:28,115
You can stay in my apartment
and be comfortable.
440
00:23:28,115 --> 00:23:29,533
Nobody will be here but you.
441
00:23:29,533 --> 00:23:32,619
I came back four days later.
She was in my apartment.
442
00:23:32,619 --> 00:23:34,037
Now here's what freaked me out.
443
00:23:34,037 --> 00:23:35,122
She cleaned it.
444
00:23:36,665 --> 00:23:38,959
Other girls stayed. They never cleaned it.
445
00:23:39,543 --> 00:23:41,586
They stole some shit,
but they never cleaned it.
446
00:23:42,963 --> 00:23:45,882
And I'm talking about for real clean.
Fabuloso clean.
447
00:23:45,882 --> 00:23:51,847
I'm talking about, like,
this girl swept and mopped and vacuumed.
448
00:23:51,847 --> 00:23:55,183
She washed the sheets on my bed,
which had never been done before.
449
00:23:56,226 --> 00:23:58,228
They were still covered in glitter.
450
00:23:59,980 --> 00:24:02,357
But after she cleaned my house,
I thought to myself,
451
00:24:02,357 --> 00:24:04,901
"Oh my God. I'mma marry this girl."
452
00:24:06,027 --> 00:24:08,363
And that's the last time
she cleaned our house.
453
00:24:15,454 --> 00:24:18,123
It was me and her the next four months.
She never left.
454
00:24:18,123 --> 00:24:20,458
We hung out every single day.
455
00:24:20,458 --> 00:24:23,795
At the end of the four months,
she said, "I gotta go back to NYU."
456
00:24:23,795 --> 00:24:25,881
"Do me a favor." I said, "Anything."
457
00:24:25,881 --> 00:24:28,633
She goes, "Don't tell anybody
from back home that we're dating."
458
00:24:31,136 --> 00:24:32,929
I didn't even know we were dating.
459
00:24:34,431 --> 00:24:36,183
She goes, "Keep our secret."
460
00:24:36,183 --> 00:24:38,143
"I don't want my dad
to hear from somebody else."
461
00:24:38,143 --> 00:24:41,188
"Because if he hears from somebody else,
he's gonna have a heart attack."
462
00:24:41,188 --> 00:24:43,773
She goes, "We will tell them
when we go home for Christmas."
463
00:24:43,773 --> 00:24:44,983
I said, "Okay."
464
00:24:44,983 --> 00:24:46,860
I tried to keep the secret,
465
00:24:46,860 --> 00:24:48,612
but my dad was asking questions.
466
00:24:49,696 --> 00:24:51,823
"What's going on with, uh,
Raymond's daughter?"
467
00:24:51,823 --> 00:24:53,617
I said, "Nothing, Dad.
Nothing's going on."
468
00:24:53,617 --> 00:24:55,994
"Bullshit nothing's going on."
469
00:24:55,994 --> 00:24:57,412
I said, "Dad, nothing's going on."
470
00:24:57,412 --> 00:24:59,998
He goes, "You're fucking her."
I said, "Yes. Yes, I am. Yes, yes."
471
00:25:02,167 --> 00:25:04,002
He goes, "I knew you would, son."
472
00:25:04,794 --> 00:25:06,963
"Listen, they all go dumpster diving."
473
00:25:08,965 --> 00:25:11,134
He goes,
"That's where your mother met me."
474
00:25:12,844 --> 00:25:15,222
I said, "Dad, please keep a secret."
475
00:25:15,222 --> 00:25:17,474
"We're gonna tell everybody
over Christmas."
476
00:25:17,474 --> 00:25:19,935
But I didn't help my dad
keep the secret, okay?
477
00:25:19,935 --> 00:25:21,603
See, I love baseball.
478
00:25:21,603 --> 00:25:24,523
I travel this great country of ours,
I go to baseball games.
479
00:25:24,523 --> 00:25:25,899
I miss my dad.
480
00:25:25,899 --> 00:25:28,068
So I always buy him a hat
from the home team,
481
00:25:28,068 --> 00:25:29,653
and I mail it to him, right?
482
00:25:29,653 --> 00:25:32,864
So I had gone to New York to visit her.
I went to Yankee Stadium.
483
00:25:32,864 --> 00:25:34,241
I bought him a hat.
484
00:25:34,241 --> 00:25:36,743
I asked her to mail it to my dad.
485
00:25:36,743 --> 00:25:38,870
She put her return address.
486
00:25:39,579 --> 00:25:40,789
Some of you remember
487
00:25:40,789 --> 00:25:42,916
that there are three employees
at that post office.
488
00:25:44,501 --> 00:25:46,628
Her father is one of them.
489
00:25:46,628 --> 00:25:50,590
My dad gets there to pick up his mail,
and her dad is holding the box.
490
00:25:50,590 --> 00:25:53,969
He says, "Why are you getting mail
from my daughter?"
491
00:25:53,969 --> 00:25:56,513
And my dad goes,
"Well, Steve's fucking her." And he left.
492
00:25:59,808 --> 00:26:01,601
That's how he found out.
493
00:26:03,103 --> 00:26:05,230
We're all laughing now,
but shit was bad, man.
494
00:26:06,439 --> 00:26:09,985
I mean, he did not have a heart attack,
but he did get Bell's palsy.
495
00:26:10,902 --> 00:26:13,071
For those of you
that don't know what Bell's palsy is,
496
00:26:13,071 --> 00:26:15,532
that's when half of your face
no longer works.
497
00:26:15,532 --> 00:26:18,368
I have to go home for Christmas,
498
00:26:18,368 --> 00:26:20,287
sit down in front of this man,
499
00:26:20,287 --> 00:26:23,206
and let him know that I am now
the boyfriend of his daughter,
500
00:26:23,206 --> 00:26:25,041
and he gave me the number.
501
00:26:25,041 --> 00:26:27,294
And half is face is not working.
502
00:26:28,712 --> 00:26:31,506
And I am a comedian.
I don't need this shit.
503
00:26:32,799 --> 00:26:35,760
The only way I know how to make friends
is to make jokes.
504
00:26:36,469 --> 00:26:38,680
We sat down together,
and he goes, "I'm still mad at you."
505
00:26:38,680 --> 00:26:40,515
And all that came out of my mouth was,
506
00:26:40,515 --> 00:26:42,726
"Well, you should tell
the other side of your face."
507
00:26:48,356 --> 00:26:51,985
Six months into her living with me,
I got Bell's palsy.
508
00:26:53,111 --> 00:26:56,114
Oh, her father called up right away.
He goes, "That's what you get."
509
00:26:56,114 --> 00:26:57,657
"Karma. It's karma!"
510
00:26:58,325 --> 00:27:00,827
I said, "I don't think it's karma.
I think it's your daughter."
511
00:27:02,537 --> 00:27:05,624
"I think your daughter
gives men that love her Bell's palsy."
512
00:27:07,459 --> 00:27:09,085
'Cause I made a mistake.
513
00:27:09,085 --> 00:27:11,463
And that mistake is
I married a beautiful woman.
514
00:27:11,463 --> 00:27:14,341
Beautiful women are
a pain in the fucking ass.
515
00:27:15,592 --> 00:27:18,803
They are expensive,
they are takers, and they are selfish.
516
00:27:19,763 --> 00:27:23,725
If I could do it all over, I'd marry
a chubby six with a good personality.
517
00:27:26,227 --> 00:27:27,979
Those are givers.
518
00:27:29,773 --> 00:27:33,985
And as I say it out loud,
I realize that's exactly what she did.
519
00:27:39,032 --> 00:27:40,992
Don't laugh, fellas.
I can see most of you.
520
00:27:44,746 --> 00:27:46,706
Me and my wife, man,
we're the complete opposite.
521
00:27:46,706 --> 00:27:47,874
That's no bullshit.
522
00:27:47,874 --> 00:27:52,003
We are the complete opposite,
and we never, ever, ever agree.
523
00:27:52,003 --> 00:27:54,339
As a matter of fact,
my wife told me one time that
524
00:27:54,339 --> 00:27:57,217
she would agree with me,
but then we would both be wrong.
525
00:28:00,387 --> 00:28:03,390
Oh, sometimes she agrees with me,
and it fucks me up.
526
00:28:04,808 --> 00:28:06,309
It does. She'll be like,
"That sounds great."
527
00:28:06,309 --> 00:28:08,353
I'm like, "What the fuck is going on?"
528
00:28:09,521 --> 00:28:12,107
"Well, if you want to do that
and be happy, you should."
529
00:28:12,107 --> 00:28:14,150
And I'm like, "Oh, no, no, no, no, no."
530
00:28:15,568 --> 00:28:17,862
"I don't want to be happy.
I want to be with you."
531
00:28:22,492 --> 00:28:23,993
Now we're raising kids together.
532
00:28:24,577 --> 00:28:26,621
Oh man. We got an eight-year-old
and a three-year-old.
533
00:28:26,621 --> 00:28:27,831
Let me tell you something.
534
00:28:27,831 --> 00:28:30,041
Our life has changed a lot.
535
00:28:30,041 --> 00:28:32,419
And I love being a dad.
There's no doubt about it.
536
00:28:32,419 --> 00:28:35,380
Every single day, I love being a dad. Yup.
537
00:28:37,257 --> 00:28:41,678
And I love my kids with everything I got,
but they wear me out.
538
00:28:42,637 --> 00:28:45,807
And the only way I can get them
to stop moving is that tablet.
539
00:28:45,807 --> 00:28:47,183
I need that tablet.
540
00:28:48,101 --> 00:28:51,855
And my wife's a Virgo.
"There's a schedule and a calendar."
541
00:28:52,564 --> 00:28:54,941
"There's rules. There are rules."
542
00:28:54,941 --> 00:28:59,320
My poor kids are only allowed
30 minutes a day, twice a day. That is it.
543
00:28:59,320 --> 00:29:01,197
And I need those 30 minutes.
544
00:29:01,990 --> 00:29:03,908
And I sit those kids down,
I give them the tablet,
545
00:29:03,908 --> 00:29:06,327
and I say,
"Here, I love you both, but please..."
546
00:29:07,203 --> 00:29:09,873
"I got 30 minutes to fuck your mom."
547
00:29:12,208 --> 00:29:13,877
Twenty-eight to convince her.
548
00:29:17,464 --> 00:29:19,132
I know it's Sunday after church,
549
00:29:19,132 --> 00:29:21,301
but if I don't do it now,
it's not gonna happen.
550
00:29:23,219 --> 00:29:26,097
I'm not afraid to admit it.
We're day-fuckers, okay?
551
00:29:26,097 --> 00:29:28,308
I'm not saying
we don't try to have sex at night.
552
00:29:28,308 --> 00:29:30,393
I'm just saying
sometimes we don't make it.
553
00:29:31,436 --> 00:29:32,896
And that's also not fair to me.
554
00:29:32,896 --> 00:29:36,733
I am not in charge
of the sexual activities in our home.
555
00:29:36,733 --> 00:29:40,069
My wife is in charge
of all sexual activities.
556
00:29:40,695 --> 00:29:41,571
I am the husband.
557
00:29:41,571 --> 00:29:45,241
My job is to have the dick on deck
at all times. That's my job, okay?
558
00:29:47,118 --> 00:29:51,122
I don't know when she's gonna need it,
but it's always readily available.
559
00:29:51,873 --> 00:29:53,500
I've never said no.
560
00:29:54,167 --> 00:29:58,588
Sometimes in the morning she'll flash me,
and I'm like, "I got dick. Right here."
561
00:30:00,423 --> 00:30:02,383
And she'll go, "Tonight."
562
00:30:04,594 --> 00:30:05,553
"For real?"
563
00:30:06,763 --> 00:30:08,389
"Man, don't fuck with me. For real?"
564
00:30:09,849 --> 00:30:11,935
"Show me the schedule.
Is it in the schedule?"
565
00:30:16,856 --> 00:30:18,358
And it's in the schedule.
566
00:30:19,108 --> 00:30:21,236
And I'm into it, and she's into it,
567
00:30:21,236 --> 00:30:24,656
and then the night comes,
and we're both real quiet in our bed.
568
00:30:25,490 --> 00:30:27,283
I already have my PAP machine on.
569
00:30:31,454 --> 00:30:33,748
I love my wife. She's not a quitter.
570
00:30:33,748 --> 00:30:35,583
"I said I would."
571
00:30:37,210 --> 00:30:39,712
Just the saddest I ever hear her.
572
00:30:41,548 --> 00:30:44,551
"If you want to, I will."
573
00:30:46,261 --> 00:30:49,055
I talk shit back.
574
00:30:56,646 --> 00:30:58,481
I gotta wear that stupid thing!
575
00:30:59,566 --> 00:31:01,442
Captain Evil made me do a sleep study.
576
00:31:01,442 --> 00:31:04,487
I found out I was dying
49 and a half times at night.
577
00:31:06,865 --> 00:31:08,950
You laugh,
but I would wake up scared, man.
578
00:31:12,662 --> 00:31:16,583
And then my wife, "Oh my God.
Every time you die, you wake me up."
579
00:31:18,585 --> 00:31:20,962
"How many times
are you gonna die tonight?"
580
00:31:22,088 --> 00:31:24,757
"I kicked you, I rolled you over."
581
00:31:24,757 --> 00:31:26,885
"I put a pillow on your face."
582
00:31:27,677 --> 00:31:29,053
"Go die in the other room."
583
00:31:30,138 --> 00:31:31,264
"Well, then, die quiet."
584
00:31:31,264 --> 00:31:34,350
"Because if you wake me up again,
I'm gonna kill you myself."
585
00:31:35,059 --> 00:31:36,978
"Don't you know
that I'm more tired than you?"
586
00:31:36,978 --> 00:31:38,897
"Because I do everything."
587
00:31:44,235 --> 00:31:45,361
My wife says that.
588
00:31:46,321 --> 00:31:48,072
My wife walks around the house
talking shit.
589
00:31:48,072 --> 00:31:50,575
"I do everything. I'm exhausted."
590
00:31:51,451 --> 00:31:53,911
"From doing everything, I'm so tired."
591
00:31:56,456 --> 00:31:58,791
She's the only one in our house
allowed to be tired.
592
00:31:59,959 --> 00:32:01,169
I tried it one time.
593
00:32:01,836 --> 00:32:03,546
I go,"Babe, can I have a second?
I'm tired."
594
00:32:03,546 --> 00:32:04,923
"From what?"
595
00:32:05,965 --> 00:32:08,259
"You're tired from what?"
596
00:32:08,259 --> 00:32:10,053
Shit, my bad, man.
597
00:32:10,637 --> 00:32:13,222
I'll have a cup of coffee and a whiskey
and shut the fuck up.
598
00:32:19,020 --> 00:32:20,772
It's hard to raise kids, man.
599
00:32:22,065 --> 00:32:24,233
And it's hard because of TikTok.
600
00:32:25,693 --> 00:32:27,612
Instagram, right?
601
00:32:27,612 --> 00:32:29,030
They watch this shit, man,
602
00:32:29,030 --> 00:32:32,241
and they have no idea
what the American dream is anymore.
603
00:32:32,241 --> 00:32:36,996
They watch Tiktok and they think,
"Oh, the American dream is fancy cars,
604
00:32:36,996 --> 00:32:39,957
and fancy boats, and fancy clothes,
and fancy houses."
605
00:32:39,957 --> 00:32:41,876
Man, that's not the American dream.
606
00:32:41,876 --> 00:32:45,463
My grandparents did not come
to this country for fancy things.
607
00:32:45,463 --> 00:32:48,383
They came to this country
'cause they wanted a roof over their head,
608
00:32:48,383 --> 00:32:49,759
a job,
609
00:32:49,759 --> 00:32:52,637
and they wanted to put food
in their families' bellies.
610
00:32:52,637 --> 00:32:55,556
And they wanted to make
their own decisions for their family
611
00:32:55,556 --> 00:32:57,141
and have a little bit of freedom.
612
00:32:57,141 --> 00:32:58,601
That's the American dream.
613
00:32:58,601 --> 00:33:01,604
Nothing else. Nothing else.
614
00:33:01,604 --> 00:33:02,605
It's hard.
615
00:33:04,565 --> 00:33:06,317
I want to raise my kids
the same way I grew up
616
00:33:06,317 --> 00:33:07,819
because I love the way I grew up.
617
00:33:07,819 --> 00:33:10,780
See, I didn't grow up rich,
but I didn't grow up poor.
618
00:33:10,780 --> 00:33:13,783
I would never insult my parents
and say I grew up poor, right?
619
00:33:13,783 --> 00:33:16,786
We didn't grow up in a big house,
but my mom made it a home.
620
00:33:16,786 --> 00:33:19,497
And I want to raise my kids
the way I grew up,
621
00:33:19,497 --> 00:33:20,873
but that'll never happen.
622
00:33:20,873 --> 00:33:22,291
Too much has changed.
623
00:33:22,959 --> 00:33:24,168
Right? Too much has changed.
624
00:33:24,168 --> 00:33:26,254
My son can watch cartoons
on that damn tablet
625
00:33:26,254 --> 00:33:29,006
as many times as he wants forever.
626
00:33:29,006 --> 00:33:31,592
And all I had growing up
was Saturday morning.
627
00:33:32,468 --> 00:33:33,511
And I don't know about you,
628
00:33:33,511 --> 00:33:36,431
but I was awake
before the TV came back on the air.
629
00:33:38,266 --> 00:33:42,145
All of you in your twenties right now,
you're going, "Wait, what the fuck?"
630
00:33:43,646 --> 00:33:46,441
Yeah, when we were kids, the TV would end.
631
00:33:47,817 --> 00:33:50,319
At night, a flag would come up.
632
00:33:53,364 --> 00:33:54,532
And the...
633
00:33:55,533 --> 00:33:56,451
And the...
634
00:33:56,451 --> 00:33:58,703
The whole house would be like,
"Oh, fuck it. Go to bed."
635
00:33:58,703 --> 00:34:00,038
"That's it.
636
00:34:03,082 --> 00:34:07,086
And all the experiences I had growing up
that my son will never have. Right?
637
00:34:07,086 --> 00:34:10,047
My son will never know what it's like
to sit on the kitchen floor
638
00:34:10,047 --> 00:34:11,549
talking to your girlfriend all night
639
00:34:11,549 --> 00:34:13,259
because the only phone in the house
640
00:34:13,259 --> 00:34:14,761
was stuck to the wall.
641
00:34:16,596 --> 00:34:19,932
And my son will never know the feeling
of my dad getting on the other line.
642
00:34:19,932 --> 00:34:21,267
"That's enough. Go to bed."
643
00:34:24,103 --> 00:34:26,981
"Make sure you pee first.
I don't want you to wet the bed tonight."
644
00:34:34,322 --> 00:34:36,908
I love, love, love the way I grew up, man.
645
00:34:36,908 --> 00:34:39,577
And all the experiences
I had growing up, you know?
646
00:34:39,577 --> 00:34:42,497
Simpler time, right? Simpler time.
647
00:34:42,497 --> 00:34:45,750
My dad had to be at work
at five o'clock in the morning, you know?
648
00:34:45,750 --> 00:34:48,669
So my mom, ladies,
was left to do everything with us kids.
649
00:34:48,669 --> 00:34:51,255
And when I say everything,
I mean, for real, everything.
650
00:34:51,255 --> 00:34:52,548
Not your everything.
651
00:34:53,716 --> 00:34:56,677
Oh, stop, ladies.
I know Maria comes twice a month. Stop.
652
00:34:57,970 --> 00:35:01,474
"Oh no. She only does the deep clean.
She only does the deep clean."
653
00:35:01,474 --> 00:35:03,142
"I do everything."
654
00:35:05,186 --> 00:35:07,772
My mom would wake us up in the morning
for school, you know,
655
00:35:07,772 --> 00:35:10,608
and I miss those days.
Simpler times, you know?
656
00:35:10,608 --> 00:35:13,820
And I know my mom loved me the most
'cause she would wake me up last.
657
00:35:14,946 --> 00:35:16,739
And even the way she would wake me up.
658
00:35:16,739 --> 00:35:18,908
She'd walk in my room,
and she'd rub my cheek.
659
00:35:19,992 --> 00:35:22,328
And she would say, "Five minutes."
660
00:35:23,746 --> 00:35:25,665
This is how I knew
she really loved me the most
661
00:35:25,665 --> 00:35:28,125
'cause I would say, "Ma, I'm cold."
662
00:35:28,125 --> 00:35:30,336
And she would pick out an outfit
for me to wear,
663
00:35:30,336 --> 00:35:33,381
and she'd put it in the dryer,
and she'd warm it up for me.
664
00:35:33,381 --> 00:35:35,925
Look at all the moms. "Oh my God."
665
00:35:35,925 --> 00:35:38,845
"That is the sweetest thing
I will never do."
666
00:35:40,471 --> 00:35:41,472
I don't know about you,
667
00:35:41,472 --> 00:35:44,058
but when I was growing up, man,
we never went out to eat.
668
00:35:44,058 --> 00:35:45,518
My mom always cooked.
669
00:35:45,518 --> 00:35:47,478
And we woke up to the smell of breakfast.
670
00:35:47,478 --> 00:35:51,399
My mom would make our lunch,
and we would listen to fun music,
671
00:35:51,399 --> 00:35:54,235
and my mom would make that lunch
with love and compassion.
672
00:35:54,235 --> 00:35:58,030
She's put us in the newish car,
and she'd drive us to school, you know?
673
00:35:58,030 --> 00:35:59,532
And I miss those days.
674
00:35:59,532 --> 00:36:02,118
If you have a good mother like mine,
give her a round of applause.
675
00:36:02,118 --> 00:36:03,661
She deserves it. Yes.
676
00:36:03,661 --> 00:36:05,955
Please. Please.
677
00:36:05,955 --> 00:36:07,248
Beautiful days.
678
00:36:09,625 --> 00:36:13,212
But, every once in a while,
my dad would take us to school and...
679
00:36:14,964 --> 00:36:16,716
that was the worst day of our life.
680
00:36:17,925 --> 00:36:20,678
And there was no five minute warning.
681
00:36:20,678 --> 00:36:21,846
All we got was...
682
00:36:21,846 --> 00:36:24,056
"Get the fuck up."
683
00:36:24,056 --> 00:36:26,851
And I'd be like,
"Oh my God, Dad, is there a fire?"
684
00:36:26,851 --> 00:36:29,353
"There's no fire, fat boy.
Get the fuck up."
685
00:36:30,855 --> 00:36:34,942
"But I'm cold. Can you pick out an outfit
and put it in the dryer?"
686
00:36:34,942 --> 00:36:37,862
"What the fuck is going on in my house?"
687
00:36:38,613 --> 00:36:41,574
"Your mom's titty's
not here for you to suck, titty baby."
688
00:36:43,034 --> 00:36:45,536
"You get out of bed
before I get you out of bed."
689
00:36:46,454 --> 00:36:49,874
Me and my sisters would have
an emergency meeting in the hallway.
690
00:36:49,874 --> 00:36:51,667
"Do you know what's going on?"
691
00:36:53,252 --> 00:36:56,589
And then my big sis, she'll be like,
"Mom left. She finally left."
692
00:36:58,174 --> 00:36:59,717
"She said if we didn't behave,
693
00:36:59,717 --> 00:37:02,553
one day we would wake up,
and she would not be here."
694
00:37:03,971 --> 00:37:05,306
"Today is that day."
695
00:37:06,390 --> 00:37:08,226
"Now we're stuck with that asshole."
696
00:37:11,437 --> 00:37:13,856
My dad didn't even know
how to take us to school.
697
00:37:14,440 --> 00:37:16,817
He would ask us, "So what do we do now?
698
00:37:17,818 --> 00:37:21,322
"What do we do now? Go get Mom.
That's what we do now."
699
00:37:21,948 --> 00:37:24,492
"We should be eating breakfast.
We should be singing songs."
700
00:37:24,492 --> 00:37:25,993
"We should be happy."
701
00:37:25,993 --> 00:37:27,411
"We're all sad."
702
00:37:28,454 --> 00:37:30,539
"And this outfit doesn't match."
703
00:37:31,540 --> 00:37:32,708
"And I'm cold."
704
00:37:34,085 --> 00:37:36,545
"At least make our lunch, man."
705
00:37:37,672 --> 00:37:40,007
And then he would make a dad lunch.
706
00:37:40,007 --> 00:37:44,136
Leftover spaghetti between two breads.
"What the fuck?"
707
00:37:45,513 --> 00:37:47,473
"We can't take that shit to school."
708
00:37:48,683 --> 00:37:50,726
"All right, kids, let's go."
709
00:37:50,726 --> 00:37:53,729
"'Let's go?' It's 6:32 in the morning."
710
00:37:54,730 --> 00:37:57,066
"School doesn't start till 8:30."
711
00:37:58,234 --> 00:38:02,154
But I forgot that he was gonna take us
to school in the work truck.
712
00:38:03,406 --> 00:38:06,659
And it took 40 minutes
just to start that piece of shit.
713
00:38:07,910 --> 00:38:11,288
All of you in your twenties,
you do not know what a carburetor is.
714
00:38:12,373 --> 00:38:17,086
You do not know that when we were kids,
there was no backseat in a pickup truck.
715
00:38:17,086 --> 00:38:20,589
All there was was a bench
that went across the front.
716
00:38:20,589 --> 00:38:24,343
And in the middle of the floorboard
was a shifter this big.
717
00:38:31,642 --> 00:38:33,060
And if you sat in the middle...
718
00:38:33,060 --> 00:38:34,812
Thank you.
719
00:38:38,441 --> 00:38:41,610
And if you sat in the middle,
you had to sit like this.
720
00:38:43,571 --> 00:38:46,365
And he would panic on the freeway.
"Move your ass."
721
00:38:46,365 --> 00:38:48,034
"Move your ass!"
722
00:38:48,034 --> 00:38:50,786
You'd move over,
and you'd have a shifter right there.
723
00:38:59,754 --> 00:39:01,964
My dad would drive, right?
724
00:39:01,964 --> 00:39:04,675
My little sister, she was the smallest.
She was in the middle.
725
00:39:04,675 --> 00:39:06,969
And then my fat sister
would sit next to her.
726
00:39:08,012 --> 00:39:11,057
Everybody relax.
She identifies as fat. And...
727
00:39:13,059 --> 00:39:16,228
I sat next to the door
so I could hold it shut on the turns.
728
00:39:18,689 --> 00:39:20,232
6:35 in the morning,
729
00:39:20,232 --> 00:39:23,235
my dad's already smoking
his first Marlboro Red.
730
00:39:23,235 --> 00:39:25,738
In the truck with his kids.
731
00:39:25,738 --> 00:39:27,365
Window cracked that much.
732
00:39:28,074 --> 00:39:31,077
'Cause if he's gonna get cancer,
we're all getting cancer.
733
00:39:32,578 --> 00:39:34,705
We did shit as a family back then.
734
00:39:36,582 --> 00:39:40,044
All of you in your twenties,
you know where you charge your cellphone?
735
00:39:40,795 --> 00:39:43,798
Yeah. Well, when we were kids,
fire came out of there.
736
00:39:47,051 --> 00:39:48,052
Fire.
737
00:39:50,388 --> 00:39:53,015
Took him 20 minutes
just to start that truck.
738
00:39:53,516 --> 00:39:54,975
Twenty minutes in the driveway.
739
00:39:57,853 --> 00:40:01,273
He would talk to it like it was his wife.
"Come on, Brenda. Come on."
740
00:40:03,025 --> 00:40:05,069
He would do this to it. "Come on, Brenda."
741
00:40:06,946 --> 00:40:08,322
"Come... Come on, baby."
742
00:40:10,241 --> 00:40:13,327
I was a kid. I'm like,
"Dad, why do you... why do you..."
743
00:40:16,705 --> 00:40:20,209
So disappointed in me.
"'Cause you gotta warm it up!"
744
00:40:25,965 --> 00:40:29,927
Even if he got the truck started,
you're still not leaving.
745
00:40:30,594 --> 00:40:32,263
'Cause now he's gotta warm it up.
746
00:40:32,972 --> 00:40:34,223
Twenty more minutes of...
747
00:40:38,477 --> 00:40:41,772
Us kids would be there,
"Dad, we're getting sleepy."
748
00:40:42,648 --> 00:40:45,401
"Oh shit.
You're not getting sleepy, you're dying."
749
00:40:46,694 --> 00:40:49,113
"That's the exhaust.
Roll the window down."
750
00:40:53,075 --> 00:40:58,706
We... We are the last people on planet earth
that understand what this means.
751
00:41:00,458 --> 00:41:03,210
That's it. It's just us.
752
00:41:05,087 --> 00:41:07,464
Every... Everybody here,
753
00:41:07,464 --> 00:41:10,885
if I go like this to you,
you know I'm saying roll the window down.
754
00:41:12,011 --> 00:41:13,637
What's gonna happen when I'm 70
755
00:41:13,637 --> 00:41:16,432
and I need some 16-year-old
to roll the window down?
756
00:41:16,432 --> 00:41:19,810
My dumb ass...
757
00:41:19,810 --> 00:41:24,064
That kid's gonna be like, "Oh my God.
That old man wants me to jack him off."
758
00:41:37,119 --> 00:41:39,830
Those of you laughing the hardest,
you grew up like me, man.
759
00:41:40,581 --> 00:41:42,666
And the rest of you,
fuck you and your privilege.
760
00:41:46,712 --> 00:41:48,589
You know what I'm talking about.
761
00:41:51,800 --> 00:41:56,138
I still... I still remember
what that truck smells like, man.
762
00:41:56,764 --> 00:42:00,184
And maybe for you, it wasn't a truck.
Maybe it was an old Station Wagon,
763
00:42:00,184 --> 00:42:02,686
or an old piece of shit Chevette,
you know?
764
00:42:02,686 --> 00:42:05,940
But you know what it smells like.
It had a smell, man.
765
00:42:05,940 --> 00:42:07,733
I used to get in that truck and...
766
00:42:07,733 --> 00:42:09,985
I said, "Dad, what's that smell?"
767
00:42:09,985 --> 00:42:12,488
And he would say, "That's hard work, son."
768
00:42:13,864 --> 00:42:17,243
I'm older now.
That is the smell of balls.
769
00:42:18,869 --> 00:42:21,455
That is years and years
of manual labor balls
770
00:42:21,455 --> 00:42:23,207
just soaked into the seats.
771
00:42:24,208 --> 00:42:27,044
Mixed in with some Marlboro Red smoke
772
00:42:27,044 --> 00:42:29,838
and a little bit of Crown Royal.
That's what that smell is.
773
00:42:31,257 --> 00:42:34,969
Sometimes I walk past a homeless person,
I'm like, "Whoo, there's the truck."
774
00:42:39,223 --> 00:42:42,393
All of you in your twenties, man,
you've never pushed a vehicle
775
00:42:42,393 --> 00:42:44,186
to pop the clutch.
776
00:42:47,773 --> 00:42:50,943
You've never stalled out.
Oh, that truck would stall out, man.
777
00:42:50,943 --> 00:42:52,861
We'd be at the stop sign.
Dad would take off.
778
00:42:52,861 --> 00:42:54,905
Pow! Shit.
779
00:42:55,948 --> 00:42:57,741
Break our little baby necks.
780
00:42:58,867 --> 00:43:02,121
It would always roll right out
into the middle of the intersection.
781
00:43:02,621 --> 00:43:06,542
Now we gotta start the whole process over
in front of the whole town.
782
00:43:09,211 --> 00:43:11,463
Me and my little sister were there,
"Come on, Brenda."
783
00:43:13,173 --> 00:43:15,384
"Please, Brenda!"
784
00:43:17,469 --> 00:43:20,764
My fat sister was already eating
the spaghetti sandwich.
785
00:43:23,475 --> 00:43:25,060
"It's pretty good."
786
00:43:26,687 --> 00:43:29,189
"Less eating, more fingers!"
787
00:43:35,946 --> 00:43:36,947
Man, we would...
788
00:43:37,656 --> 00:43:41,785
We would get, like, three or four blocks
from our school,
789
00:43:42,411 --> 00:43:44,830
and that's when me
and my little sister would panic.
790
00:43:44,830 --> 00:43:48,042
Me and my little sister would be like,
"Hey, Dad. Right here. We're good, Dad."
791
00:43:49,209 --> 00:43:51,462
"No, we're gonna walk.
We're good to walk."
792
00:43:52,671 --> 00:43:56,175
My sister, "'I haven't even finished
my spaghetti sandwich."
793
00:43:57,718 --> 00:43:59,053
"I'm not gonna walk."
794
00:44:01,180 --> 00:44:04,516
But my dad would ask us.
He would say, "Why do kids want to walk?"
795
00:44:05,351 --> 00:44:07,895
And when you're young, you say dumb shit.
796
00:44:08,771 --> 00:44:12,107
Me and my little sister would say
something horrible to my father.
797
00:44:12,691 --> 00:44:14,652
We would say, "Dad, we're embarrassed."
798
00:44:15,194 --> 00:44:16,487
"We're embarrassed of this truck,
799
00:44:16,487 --> 00:44:19,406
and we don't want our friends
to see us in this truck with you."
800
00:44:19,406 --> 00:44:21,659
I can't believe I said that to him.
801
00:44:21,659 --> 00:44:23,911
And I'm glad that I get to tell the world
802
00:44:23,911 --> 00:44:26,372
that I am not embarrassed
of my father at all.
803
00:44:26,372 --> 00:44:29,875
I am proud of my father. Proud.
804
00:44:31,043 --> 00:44:32,044
Very proud.
805
00:44:33,921 --> 00:44:34,755
Because...
806
00:44:35,255 --> 00:44:38,258
I now know what he was doing
807
00:44:38,258 --> 00:44:39,885
'cause I am now a dad.
808
00:44:39,885 --> 00:44:42,721
And I know that my dad
was doing what good men do.
809
00:44:42,721 --> 00:44:45,974
They wake up every day,
and they go to work, and they sacrifice
810
00:44:45,974 --> 00:44:48,769
so that their wife and kids
can live a better life
811
00:44:48,769 --> 00:44:50,521
than even them themselves.
812
00:44:50,521 --> 00:44:53,232
And that's what my dad was doing. Yup.
813
00:44:55,442 --> 00:44:56,360
So...
814
00:44:58,195 --> 00:45:01,407
now that I'm a dad,
I think about Brenda all the time.
815
00:45:03,575 --> 00:45:06,745
I think about Brenda because I was
in that truck every once in a while,
816
00:45:06,745 --> 00:45:08,747
and it was the worst day of my life.
817
00:45:08,747 --> 00:45:11,166
And I now realize
that my dad was in that truck
818
00:45:11,166 --> 00:45:13,252
every single day for years
819
00:45:13,252 --> 00:45:16,130
just so his family could
have a little more.
820
00:45:16,130 --> 00:45:18,924
I realize that my dad
never called in sick or drunk.
821
00:45:21,135 --> 00:45:22,928
'Cause even if he was drunk, he went.
822
00:45:24,304 --> 00:45:25,389
Man shit.
823
00:45:26,056 --> 00:45:28,767
He still found the time
to coach me in little league.
824
00:45:28,767 --> 00:45:31,395
He was at the school
when me and my sisters needed him.
825
00:45:31,395 --> 00:45:34,732
And every Sunday morning,
my mom made sure we all got dressed up
826
00:45:34,732 --> 00:45:38,193
and went to church and thanked God
for the things that we had. Yeah.
827
00:45:38,944 --> 00:45:39,820
Yup.
828
00:45:42,865 --> 00:45:43,699
Yup.
829
00:45:45,451 --> 00:45:48,912
Like I said,
I want my kids, especially my son,
830
00:45:48,912 --> 00:45:50,873
to learn the same lessons
I learned growing up,
831
00:45:50,873 --> 00:45:52,458
but he never will.
832
00:45:54,209 --> 00:45:56,295
I mean, I do this for a living, okay?
833
00:45:56,295 --> 00:45:59,798
I can't go home tomorrow
and be like, "I work hard for this, son."
834
00:46:00,674 --> 00:46:04,219
My son's gonna be like, "Really?
Shitting on Mom on Netflix, is that hard?"
835
00:46:06,221 --> 00:46:07,347
"You don't sacrifice."
836
00:46:07,347 --> 00:46:11,685
"I watch you start your truck with an app
on your phone like a little bitch."
837
00:46:16,440 --> 00:46:17,524
So it's hard!
838
00:46:18,192 --> 00:46:22,446
How do you raise kids in this soft,
spoiled, crybaby world? I don't know.
839
00:46:22,446 --> 00:46:25,199
All I can tell you is what I do to my son.
I make him work.
840
00:46:25,199 --> 00:46:26,700
I put his little ass to work.
841
00:46:26,700 --> 00:46:27,785
He's only eight years old,
842
00:46:27,785 --> 00:46:30,954
but he's in charge
of the 11 acres we live on.
843
00:46:30,954 --> 00:46:32,164
He's in charge of the...
844
00:46:32,164 --> 00:46:34,333
Yeah, he helps me with the chicken coop.
845
00:46:34,333 --> 00:46:37,294
He brings in the trash cans.
He cleans his own room.
846
00:46:37,294 --> 00:46:40,130
He collects the eggs,
and he sells those eggs to the neighbors.
847
00:46:40,130 --> 00:46:42,049
And I tax him 50 percent.
848
00:46:42,049 --> 00:46:43,884
Yes!
849
00:46:47,221 --> 00:46:49,348
Because I have made it,
850
00:46:49,348 --> 00:46:50,766
and he has not!
851
00:46:52,100 --> 00:46:53,727
And he needs to earn it.
852
00:46:55,854 --> 00:46:59,358
These kids are just growing up
different than us, man.
853
00:46:59,358 --> 00:47:01,318
You know,
it's amazing what these kids want.
854
00:47:01,318 --> 00:47:03,821
They ant hugs, and they want love. I mean...
855
00:47:04,446 --> 00:47:05,531
Encouragement.
856
00:47:07,533 --> 00:47:09,660
Fucking pussies.
We didn't grow up like that.
857
00:47:12,287 --> 00:47:15,165
My son will say things to me
that blow my mind, man.
858
00:47:15,165 --> 00:47:17,584
We were in the truck together,
me and him the other day,
859
00:47:17,584 --> 00:47:20,003
and my son goes, "Dad,
860
00:47:20,003 --> 00:47:23,173
Grandpa Joe told me he was...
that he was proud of me."
861
00:47:23,173 --> 00:47:25,092
I'm like, "What the fuck?"
862
00:47:26,635 --> 00:47:29,054
He goes, "Yeah. He gives me hugs
and tells me he loves me."
863
00:47:29,054 --> 00:47:30,889
I was like, "What the fuck?"
864
00:47:32,558 --> 00:47:35,185
"Are they good hugs?
I bet they're good hugs."
865
00:47:36,728 --> 00:47:39,398
"How does he say I love you?
I've never heard it."
866
00:47:44,111 --> 00:47:47,197
My son hears it from me.
I've never heard it from my dad.
867
00:47:47,197 --> 00:47:50,325
Me and dad, we like
to drink whiskey together, you know?
868
00:47:50,325 --> 00:47:52,703
Even trying to hug him is so awkward.
869
00:47:53,453 --> 00:47:55,414
Like, I'll try, man.
I'm like, "Dad, come hug me."
870
00:47:55,414 --> 00:47:57,124
"What the fuck, man?"
871
00:47:58,375 --> 00:48:00,127
"You trying to fuck me or something?"
872
00:48:02,546 --> 00:48:04,548
Shit, I just want a hug, dude.
873
00:48:05,632 --> 00:48:07,426
I'll tell him too.
"Dad, tell me you love me."
874
00:48:07,426 --> 00:48:11,013
And his first response is always,
"Don't... I'm trying to have a good time."
875
00:48:12,347 --> 00:48:15,100
"Don't... Don't start your shit
with me, man."
876
00:48:16,685 --> 00:48:19,855
I go, "One time, Dad, before you die,
please tell me you love me. Please."
877
00:48:19,855 --> 00:48:24,276
You know what his second response is?
"Why? So you can take advantage of me?"
878
00:48:26,194 --> 00:48:27,321
Then he really fucked me up
879
00:48:27,321 --> 00:48:29,990
'cause he goes,
"Do you tell your wife you love her?"
880
00:48:29,990 --> 00:48:33,785
I said, "Of course I do, Dad.
Every day I tell my wife I love her."
881
00:48:33,785 --> 00:48:35,579
"And look how she treats you."
882
00:48:44,796 --> 00:48:46,798
But I do love drinking with him, man.
883
00:48:46,798 --> 00:48:49,551
And you have to get old enough
in your life, fellas,
884
00:48:49,551 --> 00:48:51,887
to understand they want
to tell you things before they die,
885
00:48:51,887 --> 00:48:55,599
and you need to be smart enough
to shut the fuck up and listen. Yes.
886
00:48:55,599 --> 00:48:57,309
The problem with my dad, though,
887
00:48:57,309 --> 00:49:00,020
is sometimes he tells me things
that I don't need to know.
888
00:49:00,771 --> 00:49:02,356
You know, when we're having our drinks.
889
00:49:02,356 --> 00:49:04,650
Like, one of my favorite things
about growing up
890
00:49:04,650 --> 00:49:06,109
was Sunday sundae.
891
00:49:06,109 --> 00:49:08,737
You know, my dad invented it.
That's why you don't know what it is.
892
00:49:08,737 --> 00:49:11,239
After church,
every once in a while when we were kids,
893
00:49:11,239 --> 00:49:12,991
not all the time,
but every once in a while,
894
00:49:12,991 --> 00:49:15,911
my dad would announce to the car,
"It's a Sunday sundae."
895
00:49:15,911 --> 00:49:17,621
We would get so happy.
896
00:49:17,621 --> 00:49:19,706
'Cause we knew
that he was gonna go to H-E-B,
897
00:49:19,706 --> 00:49:22,000
he was gonna buy
three gallons of ice cream,
898
00:49:22,000 --> 00:49:23,210
one for each kid.
899
00:49:23,210 --> 00:49:26,463
All the things you need to make a sundae,
he would put it on the kitchen table,
900
00:49:26,463 --> 00:49:29,841
and he would look at us kids and say,
"It's a Sunday sundae."
901
00:49:29,841 --> 00:49:32,010
My fat sister would lose her shit.
902
00:49:38,850 --> 00:49:40,227
I loved it!
903
00:49:40,227 --> 00:49:41,561
Dad and I are having drinks,
904
00:49:41,561 --> 00:49:44,106
and I told him, I said,
"Dad, I just want to thank you
905
00:49:44,106 --> 00:49:46,900
for all the wonderful memories
of Sunday sundae."
906
00:49:46,900 --> 00:49:50,612
He goes, "Hey, I want to thank you
'cause that's when I would fuck your mom."
907
00:50:01,707 --> 00:50:03,709
There goes a good memory, Dad.
Thank you, buddy.
908
00:50:10,924 --> 00:50:12,009
But sometimes...
909
00:50:12,718 --> 00:50:15,804
Sometimes my dad tells me something
that blows my mind.
910
00:50:15,804 --> 00:50:16,972
Because my dad,
911
00:50:16,972 --> 00:50:20,225
he may not be an educated man,
but he's a smart man.
912
00:50:20,225 --> 00:50:23,437
We were back there one day drinking,
and my dad came up to me.
913
00:50:23,437 --> 00:50:27,357
He found out that me and my wife
had gotten pregnant for the second time.
914
00:50:27,357 --> 00:50:30,360
He said, "I understand you're pregnant."
I said, "Yes, sir, we are."
915
00:50:30,360 --> 00:50:32,904
My dad said,
"I hope you have a daughter, son."
916
00:50:32,904 --> 00:50:33,989
And I said, "Why, Dad?"
917
00:50:33,989 --> 00:50:37,659
He said, "Because being a girl dad
is the most beautiful thing a man can be."
918
00:50:37,659 --> 00:50:40,120
He said being a girl dad is special.
919
00:50:40,120 --> 00:50:41,455
Yeah.
920
00:50:42,581 --> 00:50:43,999
And I didn't understand.
921
00:50:43,999 --> 00:50:46,752
And I looked at my dad
and I said, "Dad, I don't understand."
922
00:50:46,752 --> 00:50:48,170
"Because that little boy in there,
923
00:50:48,170 --> 00:50:50,589
I don't know how anything
can be more special than that."
924
00:50:50,589 --> 00:50:52,257
And he goes, "You know your sisters?"
925
00:50:52,841 --> 00:50:53,800
"I love them."
926
00:50:59,389 --> 00:51:00,724
He goes, "I like you."
927
00:51:05,228 --> 00:51:07,064
But, man, is he right again.
928
00:51:08,023 --> 00:51:09,232
'Cause I have a daughter.
929
00:51:09,232 --> 00:51:10,901
Her name is Delilah Rae.
930
00:51:11,735 --> 00:51:13,153
Yep. Thank you.
931
00:51:13,153 --> 00:51:15,572
She's the most beautiful girl
in all the world.
932
00:51:16,490 --> 00:51:19,576
And it is special, and it is amazing,
and it is different.
933
00:51:19,576 --> 00:51:21,787
And I'm sorry
for all the husbands in this room
934
00:51:21,787 --> 00:51:23,830
that do not have daughters.
935
00:51:23,830 --> 00:51:26,291
I can't explain to you what it feels like.
936
00:51:26,291 --> 00:51:29,503
But all I can tell you is that my wife
puts that little girl in a little dress
937
00:51:29,503 --> 00:51:33,006
with her little bow in her hair
and her little purse,
938
00:51:33,006 --> 00:51:36,510
and she walks up to me,
and she says, "Daddy, hug you."
939
00:51:37,469 --> 00:51:39,721
And I turn gay as shit. I'm like...
940
00:51:46,561 --> 00:51:48,230
That's my baby!
941
00:51:50,065 --> 00:51:52,567
Somebody get me a mango White Claw. Quick.
942
00:51:56,446 --> 00:51:58,156
And I used to be hard.
943
00:51:58,949 --> 00:52:01,451
And I used to be strong,
I used to be tough,
944
00:52:01,451 --> 00:52:03,328
and now I cry at commercials.
945
00:52:04,454 --> 00:52:06,331
I'm like, "Fuck you, St. Jude."
946
00:52:09,209 --> 00:52:11,586
Sarah McLachlan, adopt a puppy.
947
00:52:16,049 --> 00:52:18,760
That little girl puts makeup on my face,
and I let her.
948
00:52:19,386 --> 00:52:22,514
She... She paints my toenails,
and I let her.
949
00:52:22,514 --> 00:52:25,058
I never shopped a day in my life.
950
00:52:25,058 --> 00:52:27,060
And I'm on Amazon at night
showing my wife.
951
00:52:27,060 --> 00:52:29,521
"I'mma buy that for baby girl.
I'mma buy that."
952
00:52:30,188 --> 00:52:33,984
That little girl has more clothes
and more shoes and more outfits
953
00:52:33,984 --> 00:52:36,778
and more toys
than she could ever, ever have.
954
00:52:36,778 --> 00:52:39,489
Meanwhile, my son's in a wife beater
that doesn't fit.
955
00:52:40,991 --> 00:52:43,618
His pinky toe's hanging out
of his tennis shoe.
956
00:52:44,369 --> 00:52:47,539
He's walking around the house homeless.
"What about me, Daddy?"
957
00:52:48,540 --> 00:52:50,625
I'm like, "I don't know, buddy.
What about you, man?"
958
00:52:50,625 --> 00:52:53,378
"The trash needs to come in,
the yard looks like shit,
959
00:52:53,378 --> 00:52:54,921
the chicken coop needs to be cleaned,
960
00:52:54,921 --> 00:52:57,340
and the customers have been calling.
They need their eggs."
961
00:52:59,426 --> 00:53:01,344
"You need to spend
some money on yourself, son."
962
00:53:03,013 --> 00:53:04,639
"You want to make
extra money around here?"
963
00:53:04,639 --> 00:53:07,142
"Me and your little sister,
we're gonna have a tea party."
964
00:53:07,142 --> 00:53:08,476
"You can be the waiter."
965
00:53:14,941 --> 00:53:18,194
'Cause, as a dad,
I have two responsibilities.
966
00:53:18,194 --> 00:53:21,072
Responsibility number one
is to turn that little boy
967
00:53:21,072 --> 00:53:23,283
into a good hard-working man.
968
00:53:23,283 --> 00:53:25,869
And the only way to do that
is to be hard on him.
969
00:53:27,078 --> 00:53:27,996
Yup.
970
00:53:29,915 --> 00:53:32,375
My other responsibility
as a dad with my daughter
971
00:53:32,375 --> 00:53:35,587
is to teach her
how a man is supposed to treat her.
972
00:53:35,587 --> 00:53:37,255
Yup, big difference.
973
00:53:37,255 --> 00:53:38,256
Right.
974
00:53:39,299 --> 00:53:42,761
So, yes, I will be hard on my son,
and I will spoil my daughter
975
00:53:42,761 --> 00:53:45,931
because I reserve the right
to ruin some man's life, too, someday.
976
00:53:47,933 --> 00:53:51,061
And I want my daughter's future husband
to hear nothing from her but,
977
00:53:51,061 --> 00:53:53,104
"My daddy. My daddy. My father."
978
00:53:54,773 --> 00:53:56,650
"This is not how I'm to be treated."
979
00:53:56,650 --> 00:53:58,818
"My daddy told me... My daddy..."
980
00:54:01,321 --> 00:54:03,156
And I also want that little girl
981
00:54:03,156 --> 00:54:06,368
to grow up to be exactly like my wife.
982
00:54:06,368 --> 00:54:08,286
Oh yeah.
983
00:54:08,286 --> 00:54:09,496
'Cause I want my wife to know
984
00:54:09,496 --> 00:54:11,665
what the fuck it's like
to live with her too.
985
00:54:14,334 --> 00:54:16,336
Oh, I want her to get her payback.
986
00:54:17,087 --> 00:54:19,589
And some of you women
are having daughters becoming teenagers,
987
00:54:19,589 --> 00:54:22,968
and you can't figure out
why you and her can't get along.
988
00:54:24,052 --> 00:54:26,596
Well, congratulations,
you have met yourself.
989
00:54:28,014 --> 00:54:30,850
And your husband loves it
when you come to him like this.
990
00:54:30,850 --> 00:54:32,102
"Mmm, mmm."
991
00:54:34,145 --> 00:54:36,106
"Go talk to your daughter right now."
992
00:54:36,606 --> 00:54:40,193
"Why? Because she has an attitude problem,
993
00:54:40,193 --> 00:54:42,362
she doesn't take no for an answer,
994
00:54:42,362 --> 00:54:45,365
and she spends every dollar
that we give her."
995
00:54:45,365 --> 00:54:48,994
And your husband's sitting there going,
"Wow, you know anybody like that?"
996
00:54:50,829 --> 00:54:53,206
"Oh, shut up. Your payback's coming
997
00:54:53,206 --> 00:54:55,500
because she's gonna marry
a dumbass like you
998
00:54:55,500 --> 00:54:57,877
and give you both Bell's palsy."
999
00:54:59,462 --> 00:55:01,172
"Payback, bitch."
1000
00:55:01,172 --> 00:55:03,174
I am Steve Treviño. Thank you.
1001
00:55:03,174 --> 00:55:07,470
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
1002
00:55:14,769 --> 00:55:15,854
♪ Well, I was raised up... ♪
1003
00:55:15,854 --> 00:55:16,813
Thank you!
1004
00:55:18,231 --> 00:55:20,317
This show is dedicated
1005
00:55:21,109 --> 00:55:23,778
to people like my mom and my dad,
1006
00:55:24,404 --> 00:55:26,740
people like my wife's mom and dad,
1007
00:55:26,740 --> 00:55:31,202
to the people that wake up
every single day and do the hard jobs,
1008
00:55:31,202 --> 00:55:33,079
the hard-working people of the world.
1009
00:55:33,079 --> 00:55:36,124
I want this special to be for you.
1010
00:55:36,124 --> 00:55:38,418
{\an8}Thank you! Thank you!
1011
00:55:42,589 --> 00:55:44,299
{\an8}And I could not live my life
1012
00:55:44,299 --> 00:55:47,260
{\an8}and do all the things I do
without my beautiful wife,
1013
00:55:47,260 --> 00:55:50,180
{\an8}Captain Evil,
the director and the producer tonight.
1014
00:55:50,180 --> 00:55:52,432
{\an8}Give her a round of applause, please.
1015
00:55:55,894 --> 00:55:59,230
{\an8}♪ Don't let me catch you fittin' in ♪
1016
00:56:00,607 --> 00:56:02,567
{\an8}♪ 'Cause everyone's an outlaw ♪
1017
00:56:05,361 --> 00:56:07,947
{\an8}♪ Till it's time to do outlaw shit ♪
1018
00:56:12,202 --> 00:56:15,080
{\an8}My wife and I, we love you guys so much.
1019
00:56:15,080 --> 00:56:17,582
{\an8}Thank you for the continued love
and support.
1020
00:56:18,124 --> 00:56:19,000
{\an8}Goodnight.
1021
00:56:24,089 --> 00:56:27,300
{\an8}♪ Well, I was raised up by a simple man ♪
1022
00:56:27,300 --> 00:56:32,180
{\an8}♪ I grew up with a gun in my hand ♪