1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000
Downloaded from
YTS.MX

2
00:00:06,047 --> 00:00:09,676
["Everyone's an Outlaw"
by Bryan Martin playing]

3
00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000
Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

4
00:00:11,678 --> 00:00:14,180
[announcer] <i>Ladies and gentlemen,
are you ready?</i>

5
00:00:14,180 --> 00:00:16,266
[audience cheering]

6
00:00:16,266 --> 00:00:21,187
<i>Please welcome
the one and only Steve Treviño!</i>

7
00:00:21,187 --> 00:00:23,440
[audience continues cheering]

8
00:00:30,363 --> 00:00:32,157
Thank you, San Antonio!

9
00:00:33,408 --> 00:00:36,286
The Tobin Center. Thank you.

10
00:00:37,412 --> 00:00:40,206
Thank you. Please sit down.
Please, please, please. Thank you.

11
00:00:41,166 --> 00:00:43,460
Those of you that are new to me
and don't know what I do,

12
00:00:43,460 --> 00:00:46,963
my show is comedy/cry for help.

13
00:00:46,963 --> 00:00:48,506
- [audience chuckles]
- [chuckles]

14
00:00:48,506 --> 00:00:51,092
I'm a family man. I'm a simple man.

15
00:00:51,092 --> 00:00:54,429
I live my life with my family.
They do dumb shit, and I come and report.

16
00:00:54,429 --> 00:00:55,346
That's what I do.

17
00:00:55,346 --> 00:00:57,015
[audience laughs]

18
00:00:57,015 --> 00:00:59,100
Let's start with my wife, Captain Evil.

19
00:00:59,100 --> 00:01:00,769
- [audience cheers]
- Let's start with her.

20
00:01:01,603 --> 00:01:02,437
Because...

21
00:01:03,438 --> 00:01:04,272
Ugh.

22
00:01:04,272 --> 00:01:07,067
She's got a new friend, my wife.
Got a new friend.

23
00:01:07,067 --> 00:01:09,986
And it sucks when my wife
has a new friend because

24
00:01:09,986 --> 00:01:13,073
if the new friend has a husband,
I gotta hang out with that guy.

25
00:01:13,073 --> 00:01:13,990
[audience chuckles]

26
00:01:13,990 --> 00:01:17,243
She puts me on a husband play date
like I'm a three-year-old.

27
00:01:18,078 --> 00:01:22,791
And the problem is, if my wife likes her
and I don't like him,

28
00:01:22,791 --> 00:01:23,958
we're hanging out.

29
00:01:23,958 --> 00:01:25,376
[audience laughs]

30
00:01:25,376 --> 00:01:27,587
But if I like him
and she doesn't like her,

31
00:01:27,587 --> 00:01:29,297
I'm never seeing that guy again.

32
00:01:29,297 --> 00:01:30,256
[audience laughs]

33
00:01:30,256 --> 00:01:31,633
That's how that works.

34
00:01:32,842 --> 00:01:35,470
Well, I don't like the new guy.
I don't like the new guy.

35
00:01:35,470 --> 00:01:37,388
My wife goes,
"You know why you don't like him?"

36
00:01:37,388 --> 00:01:39,891
I said, "Why?"
She goes, "'Cause he's a Leo."

37
00:01:39,891 --> 00:01:41,309
[audience laughs]

38
00:01:41,309 --> 00:01:42,393
"And you're a Capricorn."

39
00:01:42,393 --> 00:01:45,271
"And Leos and Capricorns,
they just don't get along."

40
00:01:45,271 --> 00:01:47,440
"That's why you don't like him."
I said, "Really?"

41
00:01:47,440 --> 00:01:48,775
"I thought I didn't like him

42
00:01:48,775 --> 00:01:50,652
because he shakes my hand
like a little bitch."

43
00:01:50,652 --> 00:01:52,112
[audience laughs]

44
00:01:52,112 --> 00:01:54,531
He doesn't like sports,
and he drinks White Claws.

45
00:01:54,531 --> 00:01:56,116
I thought that's why I didn't like him.

46
00:01:56,116 --> 00:01:57,367
[audience laughs]

47
00:01:57,992 --> 00:02:00,703
And some of you men are upset
because you drink White Claws.

48
00:02:01,412 --> 00:02:02,330
You shouldn't be upset.

49
00:02:02,330 --> 00:02:04,874
You should be ashamed of yourself
is what you should be.

50
00:02:05,500 --> 00:02:08,837
And I would like to have a conversation
with your father if you have one.

51
00:02:08,837 --> 00:02:11,089
[audience laughs]

52
00:02:11,089 --> 00:02:13,341
But, yes, I am a family man.

53
00:02:13,341 --> 00:02:16,761
Not a lot of exciting things
happen in my life for single people

54
00:02:16,761 --> 00:02:19,305
because they don't know what it's like
to be a family man.

55
00:02:19,305 --> 00:02:22,016
I do have exciting weeks.
I coach little league.

56
00:02:22,642 --> 00:02:25,186
- [audience cheers]
- Yeah, I'm proud to coach little league.

57
00:02:25,770 --> 00:02:28,273
I know there's a lot of people in here
that coach little league.

58
00:02:28,273 --> 00:02:31,943
For those of you that don't know this,
it is a volunteer position.

59
00:02:31,943 --> 00:02:35,446
I do not get paid to coach little league,
nor do I have a coaching degree.

60
00:02:35,446 --> 00:02:40,076
So on behalf of all of us
that volunteer our time to coach,

61
00:02:40,076 --> 00:02:41,744
those of you that don't coach,

62
00:02:41,744 --> 00:02:46,291
do us coaches a favor
and shut the fuck up, okay?

63
00:02:46,291 --> 00:02:47,333
Because...

64
00:02:47,333 --> 00:02:49,043
[audience cheering and applauding]

65
00:02:49,043 --> 00:02:51,588
...nothing pisses me off more

66
00:02:51,588 --> 00:02:53,590
than the parents
that don't come to practice.

67
00:02:53,590 --> 00:02:54,966
They only come to the games,

68
00:02:54,966 --> 00:02:57,969
and now they wanna get involved
with what I got going on on the field.

69
00:02:57,969 --> 00:02:59,387
"Uh, Coach, can I talk to you?"

70
00:02:59,387 --> 00:03:01,055
No, motherfucker, you can't.

71
00:03:01,055 --> 00:03:02,265
[audience laughs]

72
00:03:02,265 --> 00:03:05,727
"Well, I don't understand why my son
never gets to play first base."

73
00:03:05,727 --> 00:03:08,980
Well, if you came to practice,
you would understand that your son sucks.

74
00:03:08,980 --> 00:03:10,148
[audience laughs]

75
00:03:10,148 --> 00:03:13,610
We're throwing real baseballs now,
and he can't catch for shit.

76
00:03:13,610 --> 00:03:17,071
I'm afraid your son's gonna
get hit in the face and die.

77
00:03:17,071 --> 00:03:19,616
But because it is little league
and I have to play everybody,

78
00:03:19,616 --> 00:03:22,869
I put your son in right field
so he can play with the flowers.

79
00:03:22,869 --> 00:03:24,954
[audience laughs]

80
00:03:24,954 --> 00:03:27,498
If some of you have kids
under the age of eight years old

81
00:03:27,498 --> 00:03:30,209
and they're in right field, take a hint.

82
00:03:30,209 --> 00:03:31,502
[audience laughs]

83
00:03:31,502 --> 00:03:33,213
That's another reason I get mad, you know?

84
00:03:33,213 --> 00:03:35,673
'Cause I have these kids on our team,

85
00:03:35,673 --> 00:03:37,508
they don't want to play baseball.

86
00:03:37,508 --> 00:03:41,638
Parents, do not put your kid in something
they don't want to do, okay?

87
00:03:41,638 --> 00:03:44,265
Every... Yes.
Every year I look at my lineup,

88
00:03:44,265 --> 00:03:47,769
I go, "Bryson again?
They signed this poor bastard up again?"

89
00:03:47,769 --> 00:03:48,937
[audience laughs]

90
00:03:48,937 --> 00:03:50,605
I understand finish what you started,

91
00:03:50,605 --> 00:03:53,358
but fuck it,
let's torture him another year.

92
00:03:54,776 --> 00:03:58,821
And I don't know what these dads see
'cause I know they don't see what I see.

93
00:03:58,821 --> 00:04:01,574
Every time Bryson goes up to bat,
he stands like this.

94
00:04:02,408 --> 00:04:04,744
[audience laughing]

95
00:04:04,744 --> 00:04:07,163
And his dad's over there,
"Come on, Bryson!"

96
00:04:07,163 --> 00:04:09,123
I'm like, "Motherfucker,
Bryson ain't coming on."

97
00:04:09,123 --> 00:04:10,833
[audience laughs]

98
00:04:10,833 --> 00:04:14,212
He's the only kid on the team
that irons his uniform and tucks it in.

99
00:04:14,212 --> 00:04:15,546
[audience laughs]

100
00:04:15,546 --> 00:04:18,174
I asked Bryson if we were
getting dirty today and he goes,

101
00:04:18,174 --> 00:04:19,884
"No!"

102
00:04:19,884 --> 00:04:22,470
[audience laughs]

103
00:04:22,470 --> 00:04:25,139
I don't think Bryson's
gonna be a baseball player.

104
00:04:25,139 --> 00:04:28,851
There's gonna be balls in his life,
they're just not gonna be baseballs, okay?

105
00:04:28,851 --> 00:04:29,769
[audience laughs]

106
00:04:29,769 --> 00:04:31,562
And by... [laughs]

107
00:04:31,562 --> 00:04:33,731
By the way, before you cancel me,

108
00:04:35,149 --> 00:04:37,110
I don't have a problem
with Bryson being gay.

109
00:04:37,110 --> 00:04:39,779
This is America. He can be
whatever the fuck he wants to be.

110
00:04:39,779 --> 00:04:42,532
- [audience cheers]
- Yes. I have...

111
00:04:42,532 --> 00:04:46,369
I have a problem with the dad
not seeing what I see.

112
00:04:47,370 --> 00:04:49,622
And I'm a little jealous of Bryson. I am.

113
00:04:50,373 --> 00:04:53,001
He's gonna grow up
and have a beautiful life, that Bryson.

114
00:04:53,001 --> 00:04:56,546
I can't imagine how good my life would be
with two male incomes.

115
00:04:56,546 --> 00:04:59,257
[audience laughing]

116
00:04:59,257 --> 00:05:00,883
[Steve laughs]

117
00:05:01,592 --> 00:05:02,635
[Steve laughs]

118
00:05:02,635 --> 00:05:04,804
[audience applauding]

119
00:05:04,804 --> 00:05:06,306
But I only...

120
00:05:06,973 --> 00:05:08,725
I only tell you that story

121
00:05:08,725 --> 00:05:11,352
to get to the story
where my wife gets involved.

122
00:05:11,352 --> 00:05:12,437
[audience laughs]

123
00:05:12,437 --> 00:05:13,855
Every year's the same.

124
00:05:13,855 --> 00:05:15,815
Every year we do
a little something for the boys

125
00:05:15,815 --> 00:05:17,317
at the end of the season, all right?

126
00:05:17,317 --> 00:05:18,735
This year was no different.

127
00:05:18,735 --> 00:05:22,030
I called up my other coach,
I said, "Hey, one more practice left."

128
00:05:22,030 --> 00:05:23,906
I said, "Why don't we surprise the boys

129
00:05:23,906 --> 00:05:26,409
with bouncy house and pizza
instead of practice?"

130
00:05:26,409 --> 00:05:28,995
He goes, "Great idea, Steve.
I'll get the bouncy house,

131
00:05:28,995 --> 00:05:30,204
you get the pizza."

132
00:05:30,204 --> 00:05:32,332
Ladies, we were done planning.

133
00:05:33,499 --> 00:05:35,918
[audience laughing]

134
00:05:40,006 --> 00:05:41,132
[laughs]

135
00:05:42,383 --> 00:05:45,928
And then here comes... here comes my wife.

136
00:05:45,928 --> 00:05:47,472
She goes, "What are you doing?"

137
00:05:47,472 --> 00:05:49,932
I said, "We're doing bouncy house
and pizza on Tuesday."

138
00:05:49,932 --> 00:05:53,644
And then she goes, "I don't have time
to throw a party on Tuesday."

139
00:05:53,644 --> 00:05:56,773
I said, "Well, it's not a party,
it's a bouncy house and pizza."

140
00:05:56,773 --> 00:05:59,734
She says, "I better let the moms know
we're gonna have a party on Tuesday."

141
00:05:59,734 --> 00:06:02,612
I said, "There's no party.
It is a bouncy house and pizza!"

142
00:06:03,863 --> 00:06:06,741
But that's my wife.
Everything has to turn into a thing.

143
00:06:06,741 --> 00:06:08,701
Everything now has to be a party.

144
00:06:08,701 --> 00:06:12,663
There has to be matching baseball plates
and baseball tablecloths,

145
00:06:12,663 --> 00:06:14,582
and a baseball balloon arch.

146
00:06:14,582 --> 00:06:15,875
[audience cheering]

147
00:06:15,875 --> 00:06:19,253
And I'm... I'm sorry, ladies,
but these are little boys.

148
00:06:19,253 --> 00:06:20,922
They don't give a fuck.

149
00:06:20,922 --> 00:06:22,423
[audience laughs]

150
00:06:22,423 --> 00:06:24,550
Maybe Bryson does, but the rest...

151
00:06:24,550 --> 00:06:26,761
- [audience laughing]
- ...don't give a fuck.

152
00:06:28,429 --> 00:06:30,681
And I... And I try.

153
00:06:30,681 --> 00:06:33,101
I try to tell my wife
that everything she does,

154
00:06:33,101 --> 00:06:35,019
she does it to herself.

155
00:06:35,603 --> 00:06:37,188
If my wife only understood.

156
00:06:37,188 --> 00:06:40,817
I try to tell her, as men,
we are simple people.

157
00:06:40,817 --> 00:06:43,402
Right? I'm very happy
watching the football game

158
00:06:43,402 --> 00:06:44,821
on Sunday with my friends,

159
00:06:44,821 --> 00:06:47,949
eating out of a bag of chips
and a box of pizza.

160
00:06:47,949 --> 00:06:50,910
And then here she comes
with her wooden bowl.

161
00:06:51,786 --> 00:06:55,081
She has to pour the chips
in the wooden bowl.

162
00:06:55,081 --> 00:06:58,334
Twenty minutes later,
here comes the charcuterie board.

163
00:06:58,334 --> 00:07:00,086
[audience laughs]

164
00:07:00,086 --> 00:07:02,130
And all the cheese
is shaped like footballs,

165
00:07:02,130 --> 00:07:05,341
and there's a... a pretzel field goal post.

166
00:07:06,801 --> 00:07:10,096
Don't get me wrong,
I like charcuterie boards. I like 'em.

167
00:07:10,096 --> 00:07:13,057
So I'm not mad at her
for making me a charcuterie board, okay?

168
00:07:13,057 --> 00:07:16,102
As a matter of fact,
I appreciate her for that.

169
00:07:16,102 --> 00:07:17,937
But you know what?
You know what I don't like?

170
00:07:17,937 --> 00:07:20,189
Later that night,
when she's washing dishes,

171
00:07:20,189 --> 00:07:21,441
fucking mad at me.

172
00:07:21,441 --> 00:07:23,151
[audience laughs]

173
00:07:23,151 --> 00:07:25,820
"I can't believe you did this to me."

174
00:07:26,737 --> 00:07:30,158
"I did this to you?
I'm pretty sure you did this to you."

175
00:07:30,158 --> 00:07:31,826
You need to stop being at me

176
00:07:31,826 --> 00:07:34,162
when you throw parties
you're not invited to.

177
00:07:34,162 --> 00:07:37,790
[audience laughing]

178
00:07:37,790 --> 00:07:38,833
[Steve laughs]

179
00:07:40,042 --> 00:07:42,253
Not a good time to point at your wife.

180
00:07:42,253 --> 00:07:43,379
[audience chuckles]

181
00:07:43,379 --> 00:07:46,340
On my show, you laugh, you look forward.
You laugh...

182
00:07:46,340 --> 00:07:47,300
[audience laughs]

183
00:07:47,300 --> 00:07:48,718
...you look forward.

184
00:07:49,760 --> 00:07:51,512
Unless you've been married over 15 years.

185
00:07:51,512 --> 00:07:54,265
At that point, laugh in her face.
That's a whole nother level.

186
00:07:54,265 --> 00:07:55,641
[audience laughs]

187
00:07:56,267 --> 00:07:58,311
I'm only talking to the men
that just got married.

188
00:07:58,311 --> 00:08:01,689
Those of you men that just got married,
you do not talk shit to your wife.

189
00:08:02,398 --> 00:08:05,193
You wait for a lot of years to go by,

190
00:08:05,193 --> 00:08:07,361
and you're both out of options.

191
00:08:07,361 --> 00:08:09,697
[audience laughing]

192
00:08:09,697 --> 00:08:13,201
And you'll know too
because it's a beautiful feeling of stuck.

193
00:08:13,201 --> 00:08:15,286
[audience chuckles]

194
00:08:15,286 --> 00:08:16,746
There comes a time in your marriage

195
00:08:16,746 --> 00:08:19,248
where you look across the table
and just go, "Fuck."

196
00:08:19,248 --> 00:08:21,584
[audience laughs]

197
00:08:21,584 --> 00:08:24,378
It's me and you, man. It's me and you.

198
00:08:24,378 --> 00:08:25,922
[audience and Steve laughing]

199
00:08:28,508 --> 00:08:31,344
There are times that me and my wife
are in a... in an argument,

200
00:08:31,344 --> 00:08:33,012
and then we both start laughing.

201
00:08:33,012 --> 00:08:35,431
'Cause she knows I'mma bring it on stage.

202
00:08:35,431 --> 00:08:36,933
[audience laughs]

203
00:08:36,933 --> 00:08:38,684
So here's one of those arguments.

204
00:08:39,227 --> 00:08:42,480
I want to start off by talking
to all the wives in the room.

205
00:08:42,480 --> 00:08:44,607
All the wives,
I want you to know something. Yep.

206
00:08:44,607 --> 00:08:47,318
- I want you to know something.
- [wives cheering]

207
00:08:47,318 --> 00:08:48,736
I want every wife here to know

208
00:08:48,736 --> 00:08:52,615
that when my wife asks me
to do something for her,

209
00:08:52,615 --> 00:08:53,741
I just do it.

210
00:08:54,367 --> 00:08:55,618
Yeah. Yeah.

211
00:08:55,618 --> 00:08:57,745
[audience applauding]

212
00:08:57,745 --> 00:09:01,165
She asks me to do it, I do it.
No questions asked. And I tell you why.

213
00:09:01,165 --> 00:09:03,918
I love my wife.
I have a lot of respect for my wife.

214
00:09:03,918 --> 00:09:07,255
I trust my wife.
She is my teammate, and she is my partner.

215
00:09:07,255 --> 00:09:10,174
- Yeah. Yeah.
- [audience applauding]

216
00:09:10,174 --> 00:09:11,592
I'm glad you ladies are clapping

217
00:09:11,592 --> 00:09:13,886
'cause I would like to know
how come when I ask her

218
00:09:13,886 --> 00:09:15,346
to do something for me,

219
00:09:16,013 --> 00:09:18,599
oh, motherfucker, there's questions!

220
00:09:18,599 --> 00:09:19,767
[audience laughs]

221
00:09:19,767 --> 00:09:22,812
Lots and lots of fucking questions.

222
00:09:22,812 --> 00:09:25,856
Zero respect, zero trust.

223
00:09:25,856 --> 00:09:27,900
[audience laughs]

224
00:09:28,568 --> 00:09:30,278
It's always over something simple.

225
00:09:30,987 --> 00:09:33,447
You know, what happens is
I ask her to do something for me

226
00:09:33,447 --> 00:09:35,241
and then she asks a question.

227
00:09:35,241 --> 00:09:37,910
Then I very politely answer that question.

228
00:09:37,910 --> 00:09:39,787
But she doesn't like my answer,

229
00:09:39,787 --> 00:09:42,164
so she rewords her question,

230
00:09:42,164 --> 00:09:44,041
and I give her the same answer.

231
00:09:44,542 --> 00:09:46,586
She doesn't like that answer again,

232
00:09:46,586 --> 00:09:48,671
so she rewords the same question,

233
00:09:49,338 --> 00:09:51,340
and then I lose my fucking shit.

234
00:09:51,340 --> 00:09:52,300
[audience laughs]

235
00:09:52,300 --> 00:09:55,094
And then, somehow, I'm the asshole again.

236
00:09:55,928 --> 00:09:59,807
And I have to hear my wife's,
"Oh my God, you're crazy."

237
00:09:59,807 --> 00:10:01,225
[audience laughs]

238
00:10:01,225 --> 00:10:02,476
I'm crazy?

239
00:10:02,476 --> 00:10:07,189
You ask the same question
over and over and over again

240
00:10:07,189 --> 00:10:09,358
expecting different results.

241
00:10:09,900 --> 00:10:12,403
That is the definition of crazy.

242
00:10:12,403 --> 00:10:13,779
[audience laughs]

243
00:10:13,779 --> 00:10:16,616
The reason I'm crazy
is 'cause you're fucking crazy.

244
00:10:16,616 --> 00:10:19,493
[audience laughs]

245
00:10:19,493 --> 00:10:23,122
And it's always over something simple.

246
00:10:23,831 --> 00:10:27,877
All she has to do is do what I asked
like I do for her, and we wouldn't fight.

247
00:10:27,877 --> 00:10:31,297
Right? So we were all...
We made plans with two other families

248
00:10:31,297 --> 00:10:34,675
that we were gonna go
to the water park together, okay?

249
00:10:34,675 --> 00:10:36,719
The other husband, Jake,
from the other family,

250
00:10:36,719 --> 00:10:39,513
he called me up, and he said,
"Hey, man, there's a lot of us."

251
00:10:39,513 --> 00:10:41,349
"Why don't we get two cabanas?"

252
00:10:41,349 --> 00:10:44,518
"That way, we have somewhere to sit,
and that way, we're all comfortable."

253
00:10:44,518 --> 00:10:45,770
I said, "Great idea."

254
00:10:45,770 --> 00:10:48,272
He said, "We'll get two of 'em,
and we'll split it three ways."

255
00:10:48,272 --> 00:10:49,649
I said, "Great idea."

256
00:10:49,649 --> 00:10:51,942
He goes, "We'll get two of 'em,
and you book it."

257
00:10:51,942 --> 00:10:54,570
"That way they're together."
I said, "No problem."

258
00:10:54,570 --> 00:10:57,323
I went over to my wife
to ask her to book the cabanas

259
00:10:57,323 --> 00:11:00,993
because booking cabanas is her department.

260
00:11:00,993 --> 00:11:02,286
[audience chuckles]

261
00:11:02,286 --> 00:11:05,164
So I went over to her, and I said,
"Hey, baby, can you book two cabanas?"

262
00:11:05,164 --> 00:11:07,625
And then she goes,
"What? Why do we need two cabanas?"

263
00:11:07,625 --> 00:11:09,001
[audience chuckles]

264
00:11:09,001 --> 00:11:14,548
I said, "'Cause I'm asking, pretty girl.
Can you please book two cabanas?"

265
00:11:14,548 --> 00:11:15,591
[audience chuckles]

266
00:11:16,175 --> 00:11:18,969
"Are you sure that we need two cabanas?"

267
00:11:18,969 --> 00:11:20,763
"Yeah, it's the second time
I've said yes."

268
00:11:20,763 --> 00:11:25,476
"I am sure that we need two cabanas.
So, pretty girl, if you could, please,

269
00:11:25,476 --> 00:11:27,436
book two cabanas."

270
00:11:27,436 --> 00:11:30,356
"Well, I don't want to have to pay
for two cabanas."

271
00:11:30,356 --> 00:11:32,400
"We're not gonna pay
for two cabanas, honey. Okay?"

272
00:11:32,400 --> 00:11:36,612
"We're gonna split it three ways.
Can you please book two cabanas?"

273
00:11:36,612 --> 00:11:38,531
"Well, how many people are we gonna have?"

274
00:11:38,531 --> 00:11:41,283
"Because one cabana says
it holds ten people."

275
00:11:41,283 --> 00:11:43,077
"Fourteen.
We're gonna have fourteen, honey."

276
00:11:43,077 --> 00:11:45,788
"Fourteen is more than ten.
You see how that works?"

277
00:11:45,788 --> 00:11:49,083
"Can you please book two cabanas?"

278
00:11:49,083 --> 00:11:54,839
"Well, not all of us are gonna be
in the cabana at the same time."

279
00:11:54,839 --> 00:11:56,048
"Are you sure?"

280
00:11:56,048 --> 00:12:00,428
[yelling] "Yes! I'm fucking sure
that I need two fucking cabanas!"

281
00:12:00,428 --> 00:12:02,179
[audience applauding]

282
00:12:02,179 --> 00:12:03,097
[Steve chuckles]

283
00:12:04,306 --> 00:12:05,975
And that leads to...

284
00:12:07,143 --> 00:12:09,395
"I don't like the way
you're talking to me."

285
00:12:09,395 --> 00:12:11,021
[audience laughs]

286
00:12:11,021 --> 00:12:14,233
"Now there's gonna be 13 'cause..."
[mumbles]

287
00:12:14,233 --> 00:12:16,444
[audience laughs]

288
00:12:16,444 --> 00:12:19,738
"I don't know why you
have to be such a dick all the time."

289
00:12:19,738 --> 00:12:20,990
[audience laughs]

290
00:12:20,990 --> 00:12:22,992
I said, "Well, it's our horoscope."

291
00:12:22,992 --> 00:12:25,077
[audience laughs]

292
00:12:25,077 --> 00:12:28,289
"I'm a Capricorn,
you're whatever the fuck September is."

293
00:12:28,289 --> 00:12:30,624
[audience laughs]

294
00:12:31,959 --> 00:12:33,335
I know she's a Virgo.

295
00:12:34,378 --> 00:12:35,546
- I know.
- [audience cheers]

296
00:12:35,546 --> 00:12:39,717
I know why wife's a Virgo.
I hear it out of her mouth every day.

297
00:12:39,717 --> 00:12:42,887
She walks around the house,
"It's my Virgoness. It's my Virgo..."

298
00:12:42,887 --> 00:12:43,804
[audience chuckles]

299
00:12:43,804 --> 00:12:46,182
"It's 'cause I'm a Virgo."

300
00:12:47,349 --> 00:12:50,728
She makes me laugh too 'cause she says
that being a Virgo is special.

301
00:12:50,728 --> 00:12:52,146
That's what she says.

302
00:12:52,146 --> 00:12:56,776
Yeah. There's a lot of Virgos here, right?
Yeah, let me hear the Virgos. Yeah.

303
00:12:56,776 --> 00:12:57,693
[audience cheers]

304
00:12:57,693 --> 00:12:58,986
Oh, there's always Virgos

305
00:12:58,986 --> 00:13:02,031
because it is the number one sign.
Are you aware of that?

306
00:13:02,031 --> 00:13:04,992
And would you like to know
why it's the number one sign?

307
00:13:04,992 --> 00:13:08,454
Because nine months before September
is Christmas.

308
00:13:08,454 --> 00:13:10,039
[audience laughs]

309
00:13:10,039 --> 00:13:13,709
That's right. Your dad put together
a swing set for your older sibling.

310
00:13:14,668 --> 00:13:16,587
Guess what he got for Christmas.

311
00:13:17,588 --> 00:13:19,089
Some Christmas pussy.

312
00:13:19,089 --> 00:13:21,467
[audience laughs]

313
00:13:21,467 --> 00:13:22,885
Happy New Year!

314
00:13:22,885 --> 00:13:25,471
Bah! Virgo.

315
00:13:25,471 --> 00:13:27,473
[audience laughs]

316
00:13:27,473 --> 00:13:29,725
You're not special. You're an accident.

317
00:13:30,267 --> 00:13:33,479
[audience laughing]

318
00:13:38,984 --> 00:13:41,362
Yes, my wife is a Virgo.

319
00:13:41,362 --> 00:13:42,988
I am a Capricorn.

320
00:13:43,948 --> 00:13:45,699
Now, we have, uh...

321
00:13:45,699 --> 00:13:47,535
We have been together a long time,
me and her,

322
00:13:47,535 --> 00:13:51,038
and we have a... a very special love story
I'd like to share with you.

323
00:13:51,038 --> 00:13:53,666
We all ended up together
someway somehow, right?

324
00:13:53,666 --> 00:13:56,710
How you met your spouse.
I will tell you how I met mine.

325
00:13:56,710 --> 00:13:58,629
I have known her my entire life.

326
00:13:58,629 --> 00:14:00,923
Yep. People don't know that
about me and my wife.

327
00:14:00,923 --> 00:14:03,259
We grew up together
in Gregory-Portland Texas,

328
00:14:03,259 --> 00:14:05,427
near Corpus Christi, Texas. Yep.

329
00:14:05,427 --> 00:14:07,888
[audience applauding]

330
00:14:07,888 --> 00:14:09,557
We both went to the same high school.

331
00:14:09,557 --> 00:14:12,768
I am older than her,
so I graduated before her.

332
00:14:12,768 --> 00:14:15,396
I barely graduated from that high school.

333
00:14:15,396 --> 00:14:17,481
Thank God for special classes.

334
00:14:17,481 --> 00:14:19,066
[audience laughs]

335
00:14:19,066 --> 00:14:23,153
She graduated years after me
as the valedictorian of that high school.

336
00:14:23,153 --> 00:14:24,154
Yeah.

337
00:14:24,154 --> 00:14:27,116
People like to be impressed with that,
and I think that's bullshit.

338
00:14:27,116 --> 00:14:28,701
[audience laughs]

339
00:14:28,701 --> 00:14:32,496
Should've been more impressed with me.
It was harder for me to graduate.

340
00:14:32,496 --> 00:14:33,789
[audience laughs]

341
00:14:33,789 --> 00:14:38,002
I didn't even get to change classrooms,
so that's pretty good. [chuckling]

342
00:14:38,002 --> 00:14:41,255
[audience chuckling]

343
00:14:41,255 --> 00:14:43,465
It is safe to say
that we are complete opposites.

344
00:14:43,465 --> 00:14:44,425
Yes, we are.

345
00:14:44,425 --> 00:14:46,844
Me and my wife are complete opposites.

346
00:14:46,844 --> 00:14:49,638
However,
we have been married for a long time.

347
00:14:49,638 --> 00:14:52,391
And I think because we are opposites

348
00:14:52,391 --> 00:14:54,435
and we bring different things to the team,

349
00:14:54,435 --> 00:14:56,353
it makes for a stronger team.

350
00:14:56,353 --> 00:14:59,273
And that is why our marriage
is successful. Yes.

351
00:14:59,273 --> 00:15:01,233
- [audience applauding]
- Yeah.

352
00:15:01,233 --> 00:15:02,526
For example,

353
00:15:03,110 --> 00:15:05,779
I come up with great ideas,

354
00:15:06,363 --> 00:15:08,324
and then she shits on them.

355
00:15:08,324 --> 00:15:10,200
[audience laughs]

356
00:15:10,200 --> 00:15:14,038
And together, as a team,
she decides that I'm a fucking idiot.

357
00:15:14,997 --> 00:15:17,875
And then three months later,
she rewords my idea,

358
00:15:17,875 --> 00:15:21,670
and now it's a badass idea.
It's... [mumbles]

359
00:15:21,670 --> 00:15:23,923
'Cause she's so smart. Yeah.

360
00:15:24,715 --> 00:15:26,216
Yeah. [chuckles]

361
00:15:26,216 --> 00:15:27,968
I am a... I'm laid back, man.

362
00:15:27,968 --> 00:15:30,137
I'm a go-with-the-flow kind of guy.
That's me.

363
00:15:30,137 --> 00:15:32,848
I'm a, "Fuck it. Don't worry about it.
We'll figure it out."

364
00:15:32,848 --> 00:15:34,934
That's how I live my life. Yup.

365
00:15:34,934 --> 00:15:37,353
Very simple. I go with the flow, baby.

366
00:15:37,353 --> 00:15:39,313
I'm like a palm tree. I stand tall,

367
00:15:39,313 --> 00:15:42,358
but I go with the fucking flow.
You know what I mean?

368
00:15:42,358 --> 00:15:43,484
I don't break.

369
00:15:44,026 --> 00:15:46,403
Now my wife, oh, my wife is organized.

370
00:15:46,403 --> 00:15:47,988
My wife has a label maker,

371
00:15:47,988 --> 00:15:51,867
and she walks around the house
labeling where shit goes.

372
00:15:51,867 --> 00:15:55,329
God forbid I put my baseball hat
on the end table that night.

373
00:15:55,329 --> 00:15:57,957
Oh, the wheels fall off at our house.

374
00:15:58,540 --> 00:16:01,293
"Does your hat go there?
Why is your hat there?"

375
00:16:01,293 --> 00:16:04,630
"It doesn't say hat.
It says lamp, and it says clock."

376
00:16:04,630 --> 00:16:06,006
"It doesn't say hat."

377
00:16:06,006 --> 00:16:09,468
"I made a container for your hat,
and I labeled it hat."

378
00:16:09,468 --> 00:16:11,136
"There is a hat container."

379
00:16:11,136 --> 00:16:14,306
"There's a fucking container
that says hat in the closet."

380
00:16:14,306 --> 00:16:16,225
"Put it in the hat container."

381
00:16:17,226 --> 00:16:19,478
Motherfucker, she loves containers.

382
00:16:19,478 --> 00:16:20,562
[audience laughs]

383
00:16:20,562 --> 00:16:22,773
Oh, my wife has a container

384
00:16:22,773 --> 00:16:25,317
full of containers
that she labeled "Container."

385
00:16:25,317 --> 00:16:26,735
[audience laughs]

386
00:16:26,735 --> 00:16:29,988
My wife will go out,
and she will buy new containers

387
00:16:29,988 --> 00:16:31,865
to replace containers she already bought

388
00:16:31,865 --> 00:16:35,077
because, fuck it,
let's light money on fire.

389
00:16:35,077 --> 00:16:37,788
[audience laughs]

390
00:16:37,788 --> 00:16:40,582
They made a whole store for my wife.
It's called "The Container Store."

391
00:16:40,582 --> 00:16:41,625
[audience cheers]

392
00:16:41,625 --> 00:16:44,670
And she will come home from
The Container Store with 68 containers,

393
00:16:44,670 --> 00:16:47,297
and it is the best day of her life.

394
00:16:47,297 --> 00:16:49,383
She comes home excited.

395
00:16:49,383 --> 00:16:51,468
"Look at my containers!"

396
00:16:52,386 --> 00:16:54,972
"Babe, I can't wait
to spend the next six days

397
00:16:54,972 --> 00:16:57,725
organizing and labeling containers."

398
00:16:57,725 --> 00:17:00,227
"And then I'm gonna go
to the grocery store."

399
00:17:00,227 --> 00:17:02,771
"I'm gonna buy things
that already come in containers."

400
00:17:02,771 --> 00:17:04,314
"I'm gonna bring those things home,

401
00:17:04,314 --> 00:17:06,108
I'm gonna take 'em out
of those containers,

402
00:17:06,108 --> 00:17:08,652
and I'm gonna put them
in pretty labeled containers."

403
00:17:08,652 --> 00:17:12,197
"And then I'm gonna walk around the house
bitching and complaining

404
00:17:12,197 --> 00:17:15,534
about all the fucking work
I created for myself."

405
00:17:15,534 --> 00:17:19,163
[audience laughing]

406
00:17:22,666 --> 00:17:24,001
And I'm the crazy one.

407
00:17:25,127 --> 00:17:26,754
Every day, she walks around our house,

408
00:17:26,754 --> 00:17:29,423
"I can't! It's too much.
It's too much. It's too much."

409
00:17:30,132 --> 00:17:33,010
"I can't. I can't. I can't.
It's too much. It's too much."

410
00:17:33,010 --> 00:17:36,638
And I'm just sitting on the couch going,
"Well, fucking don't."

411
00:17:36,638 --> 00:17:38,515
[audience laughs]

412
00:17:38,515 --> 00:17:40,559
I don't make her do that.

413
00:17:41,143 --> 00:17:43,812
Everything she does,
she does it to herself.

414
00:17:44,396 --> 00:17:46,440
She acts like I came home one day,

415
00:17:46,440 --> 00:17:48,942
went in the pantry,
grabbed the oatmeal, and said,

416
00:17:48,942 --> 00:17:51,111
"Bitch, is this in
its original container?"

417
00:17:51,111 --> 00:17:52,696
[audience laughs]

418
00:17:52,696 --> 00:17:54,698
I don't fucking think so.

419
00:17:55,324 --> 00:17:59,578
You find a store that sells containers,
and you get that shit over here right now.

420
00:18:00,496 --> 00:18:03,081
I want this house
to look like a biology lab.

421
00:18:03,081 --> 00:18:04,291
[audience laughs]

422
00:18:04,291 --> 00:18:06,668
And nobody needs to know when this expires

423
00:18:06,668 --> 00:18:08,295
or the nutritional facts.

424
00:18:08,295 --> 00:18:11,298
[audience laughing]

425
00:18:11,298 --> 00:18:14,218
She's a hoarder. Oh, my wife's a hoarder.

426
00:18:15,010 --> 00:18:18,806
Not me, man. I'm fuck it. Throw it away.
Give it away. That's me.

427
00:18:18,806 --> 00:18:21,642
Not my wife. "I'mma sell it.
I'mma sell it. I'mma sell it."

428
00:18:21,642 --> 00:18:22,768
[audience laughs]

429
00:18:22,768 --> 00:18:25,187
"No, babe. I'mma sell it!"

430
00:18:25,187 --> 00:18:30,025
"Put it in the garage with 50 other things
I said I was gonna sell and never did."

431
00:18:30,818 --> 00:18:31,985
"I'mma sell it."

432
00:18:31,985 --> 00:18:32,903
[audience cheering]

433
00:18:33,487 --> 00:18:36,907
"Babe, I made two trash bags full

434
00:18:36,907 --> 00:18:39,368
of clothes that we no longer wear."

435
00:18:39,368 --> 00:18:42,037
"I need you to put those
in the back of my car

436
00:18:42,037 --> 00:18:45,040
so I can drive around for two years
with that shit back there."

437
00:18:45,040 --> 00:18:50,295
[audience laughing, cheering]

438
00:18:50,295 --> 00:18:52,923
That shit is out of style
by the time she donates it.

439
00:18:52,923 --> 00:18:54,258
[audience laughs]

440
00:18:55,300 --> 00:18:58,095
I wait for her not to be home.
I load that shit in my truck.

441
00:18:58,095 --> 00:19:00,681
I go to Goodwill, and I go, "Fuck it."

442
00:19:00,681 --> 00:19:02,349
[audience laughs]

443
00:19:02,349 --> 00:19:04,101
Then I go to the ATM machine.

444
00:19:04,101 --> 00:19:07,104
I take 500 dollars out,
and I go, "Here, baby. I sold it."

445
00:19:07,104 --> 00:19:10,399
[audience laughing]

446
00:19:10,399 --> 00:19:12,359
And then she shits on me again.

447
00:19:12,359 --> 00:19:14,194
"Is that all you got?"

448
00:19:14,194 --> 00:19:16,613
[audience laughs]

449
00:19:16,613 --> 00:19:20,659
"For all that stuff you got 500 dollars?"

450
00:19:21,493 --> 00:19:23,412
"What were you thinking?"

451
00:19:23,412 --> 00:19:24,746
[audience laughs]

452
00:19:24,746 --> 00:19:27,332
"Well, baby, I don't think, honey.
Special needs."

453
00:19:27,332 --> 00:19:29,835
[audience laughs]

454
00:19:29,835 --> 00:19:31,003
"You're the best."

455
00:19:32,171 --> 00:19:36,508
My wife... Her ability to not make mistakes,
that is talent. My wife has talent.

456
00:19:37,134 --> 00:19:38,886
That woman is perfect.

457
00:19:39,761 --> 00:19:41,346
Oh, she never fucks up.

458
00:19:41,346 --> 00:19:42,264
[audience laughs]

459
00:19:42,264 --> 00:19:44,141
She'll argue with the GPS.

460
00:19:44,141 --> 00:19:45,184
[audience laughs]

461
00:19:45,767 --> 00:19:48,854
"Why did you turn there?"
I'm like, "I don't know. NASA told me to."

462
00:19:48,854 --> 00:19:50,314
[audience laughs]

463
00:19:50,314 --> 00:19:51,440
"Well, that's not faster."

464
00:19:51,440 --> 00:19:53,775
"Fuck no, baby. Tell me how to get there."

465
00:19:53,775 --> 00:19:56,361
[audience laughs]

466
00:19:56,361 --> 00:19:58,655
[laughs]

467
00:20:01,033 --> 00:20:03,911
So I graduated
from Gregory-Portland High School,

468
00:20:03,911 --> 00:20:05,370
and I wanted to be a comedian.

469
00:20:05,370 --> 00:20:08,916
So I drove out to Los Angeles, California
to start my career.

470
00:20:08,916 --> 00:20:11,460
She graduated as the valedictorian,
the homecoming queen,

471
00:20:11,460 --> 00:20:13,212
the fucking everything queen.

472
00:20:13,212 --> 00:20:17,257
She ended up with this full scholarship
to go to NYU in New York City.

473
00:20:17,257 --> 00:20:19,301
She goes to New York, I go to Los Angeles.

474
00:20:19,301 --> 00:20:21,762
Now you're thinking to yourself,
"Well, how did the two of you

475
00:20:21,762 --> 00:20:22,888
end up together?"

476
00:20:22,888 --> 00:20:25,182
Well, I went home to visit my parents,

477
00:20:25,182 --> 00:20:28,977
and me and my dad were drinking
and driving around town like we do and...

478
00:20:28,977 --> 00:20:29,895
[audience laughs]

479
00:20:29,895 --> 00:20:33,565
Everybody relax.
I was driving, he was drinking, okay?

480
00:20:33,565 --> 00:20:35,192
Later on, we switched, but...

481
00:20:35,192 --> 00:20:36,902
- [audience laughs]
- [laughs]

482
00:20:36,902 --> 00:20:38,862
Everybody relax 'cause were Texans.

483
00:20:38,862 --> 00:20:40,906
We weren't really drinking.
It was just beer.

484
00:20:40,906 --> 00:20:42,741
[audience applauding]

485
00:20:42,741 --> 00:20:43,992
[laughing]

486
00:20:43,992 --> 00:20:46,078
[audience continues applauding]

487
00:20:47,621 --> 00:20:48,789
[chuckles]

488
00:20:48,789 --> 00:20:53,210
We decided to stop at the post office,
and that is where we ran into her father.

489
00:20:53,210 --> 00:20:55,420
I am not surprised
that we ran into her father there.

490
00:20:55,420 --> 00:20:56,546
He works there.

491
00:20:56,546 --> 00:20:59,049
There's three employees. He's one of them.

492
00:20:59,049 --> 00:21:00,550
[audience chuckles]

493
00:21:00,550 --> 00:21:03,720
I also want to make it very clear
in this story that everybody understands

494
00:21:03,720 --> 00:21:05,264
that I did not go up to him.

495
00:21:05,264 --> 00:21:07,015
He came up to me.

496
00:21:07,015 --> 00:21:09,643
And he said,
"Steve, I've been looking for you."

497
00:21:09,643 --> 00:21:12,312
He said, "My daughter's gonna be
in Los Angeles starting next week

498
00:21:12,312 --> 00:21:13,397
for the next four months."

499
00:21:13,397 --> 00:21:15,565
"I'm very worried about my baby girl."

500
00:21:15,565 --> 00:21:17,651
"And I don't know anybody
that lives there but you."

501
00:21:17,651 --> 00:21:19,653
"I would like to ask you, Steve,

502
00:21:19,653 --> 00:21:22,698
to please be there for my daughter
if she needs you."

503
00:21:22,698 --> 00:21:25,283
He wrote her phone number down
on a little piece of paper

504
00:21:25,283 --> 00:21:26,660
and he handed it to me.

505
00:21:26,660 --> 00:21:28,578
I thought to myself, "Wow."

506
00:21:28,578 --> 00:21:31,540
"I knew I was gonna fuck her.
I didn't know you were gonna hook it up."

507
00:21:31,540 --> 00:21:34,918
[audience laughing]

508
00:21:38,130 --> 00:21:39,256
I didn't say that.

509
00:21:39,256 --> 00:21:40,424
[audience chuckles]

510
00:21:40,424 --> 00:21:42,509
What came out of my mouth
was more like Allstate.

511
00:21:42,509 --> 00:21:44,344
I go, "She's in good hands."

512
00:21:44,344 --> 00:21:47,306
[audience laughs]

513
00:21:48,348 --> 00:21:51,059
And I'm sorry I said that, ladies,
but that is the truth.

514
00:21:51,768 --> 00:21:53,645
I know you're thinking to yourself,
"Wow, Steve."

515
00:21:53,645 --> 00:21:56,440
"I thought you and Renae
started a little more romantic than that."

516
00:21:56,440 --> 00:21:57,858
No, no, no, no, no.

517
00:21:57,858 --> 00:21:59,234
[audience chuckles]

518
00:21:59,234 --> 00:22:00,152
Ladies, I'm sorry,

519
00:22:00,152 --> 00:22:03,447
but that guy that you met
that took you candle making and antiquing,

520
00:22:03,447 --> 00:22:05,073
he only did that to get laid.

521
00:22:05,073 --> 00:22:07,075
[audience laughs]

522
00:22:07,075 --> 00:22:08,577
Yeah, that's why he did it.

523
00:22:08,577 --> 00:22:11,246
'Cause he got what he wanted,
and you got what you wanted.

524
00:22:11,830 --> 00:22:14,833
You know what? I'm proud of you ladies
because all the other women before you,

525
00:22:14,833 --> 00:22:17,669
they left 'cause they thought
they could do better, but not you.

526
00:22:17,669 --> 00:22:19,379
[audience laughs]

527
00:22:20,756 --> 00:22:22,591
You saw a fixer-upper.

528
00:22:22,591 --> 00:22:26,678
[audience laughing]

529
00:22:27,429 --> 00:22:30,349
People ask me all the time. They go,
"Steve, why do you put up with it?"

530
00:22:30,349 --> 00:22:33,977
Well, I'm a below-average man
married to an above-average woman.

531
00:22:34,519 --> 00:22:36,563
And I work my ass off to keep her.

532
00:22:36,563 --> 00:22:38,482
Just like he does, ladies.

533
00:22:38,482 --> 00:22:41,443
So tonight,
remember why he fell in love with you

534
00:22:41,443 --> 00:22:43,445
and give him
a little some of that tonight.

535
00:22:43,445 --> 00:22:45,822
[audience laughing, applauding]

536
00:22:47,074 --> 00:22:48,992
Please, help him out.

537
00:22:50,994 --> 00:22:53,872
I'll be honest with you, man.
I didn't think I even had a chance.

538
00:22:53,872 --> 00:22:56,625
That girl is beautiful, smart, and classy.

539
00:22:56,625 --> 00:23:00,253
And all the other girls I dated before her
had glitter on their tits.

540
00:23:00,253 --> 00:23:02,839
[audience laughs]

541
00:23:03,465 --> 00:23:05,342
But I am dumb and ambitious.

542
00:23:06,009 --> 00:23:08,053
And when you are dumb and ambitious,

543
00:23:08,053 --> 00:23:09,763
you become very successful.

544
00:23:10,305 --> 00:23:12,057
I called her up. It was a Wednesday night.

545
00:23:12,057 --> 00:23:14,643
I'll never forget.
It was her first day in town.

546
00:23:14,643 --> 00:23:17,646
I found out that night
that she was gonna share one hotel room

547
00:23:17,646 --> 00:23:20,148
with six other people
for the next four months.

548
00:23:20,148 --> 00:23:21,483
I told her not to do that.

549
00:23:21,483 --> 00:23:23,944
I said I'm going on the road
to do comedy tomorrow.

550
00:23:23,944 --> 00:23:25,445
I will be gone for four days.

551
00:23:25,445 --> 00:23:28,115
You can stay in my apartment
and be comfortable.

552
00:23:28,115 --> 00:23:29,533
Nobody will be here but you.

553
00:23:29,533 --> 00:23:32,619
I came back four days later.
She was in my apartment.

554
00:23:32,619 --> 00:23:34,037
Now here's what freaked me out.

555
00:23:34,037 --> 00:23:35,122
She cleaned it.

556
00:23:35,122 --> 00:23:36,665
[audience laughs]

557
00:23:36,665 --> 00:23:38,959
Other girls stayed. They never cleaned it.

558
00:23:39,543 --> 00:23:41,586
They stole some shit,
but they never cleaned it.

559
00:23:41,586 --> 00:23:42,963
[audience laughs]

560
00:23:42,963 --> 00:23:45,882
And I'm talking about for real clean.
Fabuloso clean.

561
00:23:45,882 --> 00:23:51,847
I'm talking about, like,
this girl swept and mopped and vacuumed.

562
00:23:51,847 --> 00:23:55,183
She washed the sheets on my bed,
which had never been done before.

563
00:23:55,183 --> 00:23:56,226
[audience laughs]

564
00:23:56,226 --> 00:23:58,228
They were still covered in glitter.

565
00:23:58,228 --> 00:23:59,980
[audience laughs]

566
00:23:59,980 --> 00:24:02,357
But after she cleaned my house,
I thought to myself,

567
00:24:02,357 --> 00:24:04,901
"Oh my God. I'mma marry this girl."

568
00:24:06,027 --> 00:24:08,363
And that's the last time
she cleaned our house.

569
00:24:08,363 --> 00:24:10,323
[audience laughs]

570
00:24:10,323 --> 00:24:11,450
[laughs]

571
00:24:11,450 --> 00:24:14,327
[audience applauding]

572
00:24:15,454 --> 00:24:18,123
It was me and her the next four months.
She never left.

573
00:24:18,123 --> 00:24:20,458
We hung out every single day.

574
00:24:20,458 --> 00:24:23,795
At the end of the four months,
she said, "I gotta go back to NYU."

575
00:24:23,795 --> 00:24:25,881
"Do me a favor." I said, "Anything."

576
00:24:25,881 --> 00:24:28,633
She goes, "Don't tell anybody
from back home that we're dating."

577
00:24:28,633 --> 00:24:31,136
[audience laughs]

578
00:24:31,136 --> 00:24:32,929
I didn't even know we were dating.

579
00:24:32,929 --> 00:24:34,431
[audience laughs]

580
00:24:34,431 --> 00:24:36,183
She goes, "Keep our secret."

581
00:24:36,183 --> 00:24:38,143
"I don't want my dad
to hear from somebody else."

582
00:24:38,143 --> 00:24:41,188
"Because if he hears from somebody else,
he's gonna have a heart attack."

583
00:24:41,188 --> 00:24:43,773
She goes, "We will tell them
when we go home for Christmas."

584
00:24:43,773 --> 00:24:44,983
I said, "Okay."

585
00:24:44,983 --> 00:24:46,860
I tried to keep the secret,

586
00:24:46,860 --> 00:24:48,612
but my dad was asking questions.

587
00:24:49,696 --> 00:24:51,823
"What's going on with, uh,
Raymond's daughter?"

588
00:24:51,823 --> 00:24:53,617
I said, "Nothing, Dad.
Nothing's going on."

589
00:24:53,617 --> 00:24:55,994
"Bullshit nothing's going on."

590
00:24:55,994 --> 00:24:57,412
I said, "Dad, nothing's going on."

591
00:24:57,412 --> 00:24:59,998
He goes, "You're fucking her."
I said, "Yes. Yes, I am. Yes, yes."

592
00:24:59,998 --> 00:25:02,167
[audience laughs]

593
00:25:02,167 --> 00:25:04,002
He goes, "I knew you would, son."

594
00:25:04,794 --> 00:25:06,963
"Listen, they all go dumpster diving."

595
00:25:06,963 --> 00:25:08,965
[audience laughs]

596
00:25:08,965 --> 00:25:11,134
He goes,
"That's where your mother met me."

597
00:25:11,134 --> 00:25:12,844
[audience laughs]

598
00:25:12,844 --> 00:25:15,222
I said, "Dad, please keep a secret."

599
00:25:15,222 --> 00:25:17,474
"We're gonna tell everybody
over Christmas."

600
00:25:17,474 --> 00:25:19,935
But I didn't help my dad
keep the secret, okay?

601
00:25:19,935 --> 00:25:21,603
See, I love baseball.

602
00:25:21,603 --> 00:25:24,523
I travel this great country of ours,
I go to baseball games.

603
00:25:24,523 --> 00:25:25,899
I miss my dad.

604
00:25:25,899 --> 00:25:28,068
So I always buy him a hat
from the home team,

605
00:25:28,068 --> 00:25:29,653
and I mail it to him, right?

606
00:25:29,653 --> 00:25:32,864
So I had gone to New York to visit her.
I went to Yankee Stadium.

607
00:25:32,864 --> 00:25:34,241
I bought him a hat.

608
00:25:34,241 --> 00:25:36,743
I asked her to mail it to my dad.

609
00:25:36,743 --> 00:25:38,870
She put her return address.

610
00:25:39,579 --> 00:25:40,789
Some of you remember

611
00:25:40,789 --> 00:25:42,916
that there are three employees
at that post office.

612
00:25:42,916 --> 00:25:44,501
[audience laughs]

613
00:25:44,501 --> 00:25:46,628
Her father is one of them.

614
00:25:46,628 --> 00:25:50,590
My dad gets there to pick up his mail,
and her dad is holding the box.

615
00:25:50,590 --> 00:25:53,969
He says, "Why are you getting mail
from my daughter?"

616
00:25:53,969 --> 00:25:56,513
And my dad goes,
"Well, Steve's fucking her." And he left.

617
00:25:56,513 --> 00:25:59,808
- [audience laughing]
- [chuckles]

618
00:25:59,808 --> 00:26:01,601
That's how he found out.

619
00:26:03,103 --> 00:26:05,230
We're all laughing now,
but shit was bad, man.

620
00:26:05,230 --> 00:26:06,439
[audience chuckles]

621
00:26:06,439 --> 00:26:09,985
I mean, he did not have a heart attack,
but he did get Bell's palsy.

622
00:26:09,985 --> 00:26:10,902
[audience laughs]

623
00:26:10,902 --> 00:26:13,071
For those of you
that don't know what Bell's palsy is,

624
00:26:13,071 --> 00:26:15,532
that's when half of your face
no longer works.

625
00:26:15,532 --> 00:26:18,368
I have to go home for Christmas,

626
00:26:18,368 --> 00:26:20,287
sit down in front of this man,

627
00:26:20,287 --> 00:26:23,206
and let him know that I am now
the boyfriend of his daughter,

628
00:26:23,206 --> 00:26:25,041
and he gave me the number.

629
00:26:25,041 --> 00:26:27,294
And half is face is not working.

630
00:26:27,294 --> 00:26:28,712
[audience laughs]

631
00:26:28,712 --> 00:26:31,506
And I am a comedian.
I don't need this shit.

632
00:26:31,506 --> 00:26:32,799
[audience laughs]

633
00:26:32,799 --> 00:26:35,760
The only way I know how to make friends
is to make jokes.

634
00:26:36,469 --> 00:26:38,680
We sat down together,
and he goes, "I'm still mad at you."

635
00:26:38,680 --> 00:26:40,515
And all that came out of my mouth was,

636
00:26:40,515 --> 00:26:42,726
"Well, you should tell
the other side of your face."

637
00:26:42,726 --> 00:26:46,896
[audience laughing]

638
00:26:48,356 --> 00:26:51,985
Six months into her living with me,
I got Bell's palsy.

639
00:26:51,985 --> 00:26:53,111
[audience chuckles]

640
00:26:53,111 --> 00:26:56,114
Oh, her father called up right away.
He goes, "That's what you get."

641
00:26:56,114 --> 00:26:57,657
"Karma. It's karma!"

642
00:26:58,325 --> 00:27:00,827
I said, "I don't think it's karma.
I think it's your daughter."

643
00:27:00,827 --> 00:27:02,537
[audience laughs]

644
00:27:02,537 --> 00:27:05,624
"I think your daughter
gives men that love her Bell's palsy."

645
00:27:07,459 --> 00:27:09,085
'Cause I made a mistake.

646
00:27:09,085 --> 00:27:11,463
And that mistake is
I married a beautiful woman.

647
00:27:11,463 --> 00:27:14,341
Beautiful women are
a pain in the fucking ass.

648
00:27:14,341 --> 00:27:15,592
[audience laughs]

649
00:27:15,592 --> 00:27:18,803
They are expensive,
they are takers, and they are selfish.

650
00:27:19,763 --> 00:27:23,725
If I could do it all over, I'd marry
a chubby six with a good personality.

651
00:27:23,725 --> 00:27:25,393
[audience laughing]

652
00:27:26,227 --> 00:27:27,979
Those are givers.

653
00:27:29,773 --> 00:27:33,985
And as I say it out loud,
I realize that's exactly what she did.

654
00:27:33,985 --> 00:27:37,906
[audience laughs]

655
00:27:39,032 --> 00:27:40,992
Don't laugh, fellas.
I can see most of you.

656
00:27:40,992 --> 00:27:44,746
- [audience continues laughing]
- [Steve chuckles]

657
00:27:44,746 --> 00:27:46,706
Me and my wife, man,
we're the complete opposite.

658
00:27:46,706 --> 00:27:47,874
That's no bullshit.

659
00:27:47,874 --> 00:27:52,003
We are the complete opposite,
and we never, ever, ever agree.

660
00:27:52,003 --> 00:27:54,339
As a matter of fact,
my wife told me one time that

661
00:27:54,339 --> 00:27:57,217
she would agree with me,
but then we would both be wrong.

662
00:27:57,217 --> 00:27:59,636
[audience laughs]

663
00:28:00,387 --> 00:28:03,390
Oh, sometimes she agrees with me,
and it fucks me up.

664
00:28:04,808 --> 00:28:06,309
It does. She'll be like,
"That sounds great."

665
00:28:06,309 --> 00:28:08,353
I'm like, "What the fuck is going on?"

666
00:28:08,353 --> 00:28:09,521
[audience laughs]

667
00:28:09,521 --> 00:28:12,107
"Well, if you want to do that
and be happy, you should."

668
00:28:12,107 --> 00:28:14,150
And I'm like, "Oh, no, no, no, no, no."

669
00:28:15,568 --> 00:28:17,862
"I don't want to be happy.
I want to be with you."

670
00:28:17,862 --> 00:28:20,532
[audience laughs]

671
00:28:22,492 --> 00:28:23,993
Now we're raising kids together.

672
00:28:24,577 --> 00:28:26,621
Oh man. We got an eight-year-old
and a three-year-old.

673
00:28:26,621 --> 00:28:27,831
Let me tell you something.

674
00:28:27,831 --> 00:28:30,041
Our life has changed a lot.

675
00:28:30,041 --> 00:28:32,419
And I love being a dad.
There's no doubt about it.

676
00:28:32,419 --> 00:28:35,380
Every single day, I love being a dad. Yup.

677
00:28:35,380 --> 00:28:37,257
[audience applauding]

678
00:28:37,257 --> 00:28:41,678
And I love my kids with everything I got,
but they wear me out.

679
00:28:41,678 --> 00:28:42,637
[audience chuckles]

680
00:28:42,637 --> 00:28:45,807
And the only way I can get them
to stop moving is that tablet.

681
00:28:45,807 --> 00:28:47,183
I need that tablet.

682
00:28:47,183 --> 00:28:48,101
[audience laughs]

683
00:28:48,101 --> 00:28:51,855
And my wife's a Virgo.
"There's a schedule and a calendar."

684
00:28:52,564 --> 00:28:54,941
"There's rules. There are rules."

685
00:28:54,941 --> 00:28:59,320
My poor kids are only allowed
30 minutes a day, twice a day. That is it.

686
00:28:59,320 --> 00:29:01,197
And I need those 30 minutes.

687
00:29:01,990 --> 00:29:03,908
And I sit those kids down,
I give them the tablet,

688
00:29:03,908 --> 00:29:06,327
and I say,
"Here, I love you both, but please..."

689
00:29:07,203 --> 00:29:09,873
"I got 30 minutes to fuck your mom."

690
00:29:09,873 --> 00:29:12,208
[audience laughs]

691
00:29:12,208 --> 00:29:13,877
Twenty-eight to convince her.

692
00:29:13,877 --> 00:29:16,254
[audience laughs]

693
00:29:16,254 --> 00:29:17,464
[laughs]

694
00:29:17,464 --> 00:29:19,132
I know it's Sunday after church,

695
00:29:19,132 --> 00:29:21,301
but if I don't do it now,
it's not gonna happen.

696
00:29:21,301 --> 00:29:22,635
[audience laughs]

697
00:29:23,219 --> 00:29:26,097
I'm not afraid to admit it.
We're day-fuckers, okay?

698
00:29:26,097 --> 00:29:28,308
I'm not saying
we don't try to have sex at night.

699
00:29:28,308 --> 00:29:30,393
I'm just saying
sometimes we don't make it.

700
00:29:30,393 --> 00:29:31,436
[audience laughs]

701
00:29:31,436 --> 00:29:32,896
And that's also not fair to me.

702
00:29:32,896 --> 00:29:36,733
I am not in charge
of the sexual activities in our home.

703
00:29:36,733 --> 00:29:40,069
My wife is in charge
of all sexual activities.

704
00:29:40,695 --> 00:29:41,571
I am the husband.

705
00:29:41,571 --> 00:29:45,241
My job is to have the dick on deck
at all times. That's my job, okay?

706
00:29:45,241 --> 00:29:47,118
[audience applauding]

707
00:29:47,118 --> 00:29:51,122
I don't know when she's gonna need it,
but it's always readily available.

708
00:29:51,873 --> 00:29:53,500
I've never said no.

709
00:29:54,167 --> 00:29:58,588
Sometimes in the morning she'll flash me,
and I'm like, "I got dick. Right here."

710
00:29:58,588 --> 00:30:00,423
- [audience laughs]
- [chuckles]

711
00:30:00,423 --> 00:30:02,383
And she'll go, "Tonight."

712
00:30:02,383 --> 00:30:04,594
[audience laughing]

713
00:30:04,594 --> 00:30:05,553
"For real?"

714
00:30:06,763 --> 00:30:08,389
"Man, don't fuck with me. For real?"

715
00:30:08,389 --> 00:30:09,849
[audience continue laughing]

716
00:30:09,849 --> 00:30:11,935
"Show me the schedule.
Is it in the schedule?"

717
00:30:11,935 --> 00:30:13,353
[audience laughs]

718
00:30:13,353 --> 00:30:15,688
[chuckles]

719
00:30:16,856 --> 00:30:18,358
And it's in the schedule.

720
00:30:19,108 --> 00:30:21,236
And I'm into it, and she's into it,

721
00:30:21,236 --> 00:30:24,656
and then the night comes,
and we're both real quiet in our bed.

722
00:30:25,490 --> 00:30:27,283
I already have my PAP machine on.

723
00:30:27,283 --> 00:30:30,203
[exhaling loudly]

724
00:30:31,454 --> 00:30:33,748
I love my wife. She's not a quitter.

725
00:30:33,748 --> 00:30:35,583
"I said I would."

726
00:30:35,583 --> 00:30:37,210
[audience laughs]

727
00:30:37,210 --> 00:30:39,712
Just the saddest I ever hear her.

728
00:30:39,712 --> 00:30:41,548
[audience continues laughing]

729
00:30:41,548 --> 00:30:44,551
"If you want to, I will."

730
00:30:44,551 --> 00:30:46,261
[audience laughs]

731
00:30:46,261 --> 00:30:49,055
I talk shit back. [grumbling]

732
00:30:50,431 --> 00:30:54,352
[grumbling]

733
00:30:56,646 --> 00:30:58,481
I gotta wear that stupid thing!

734
00:30:59,566 --> 00:31:01,442
Captain Evil made me do a sleep study.

735
00:31:01,442 --> 00:31:04,487
I found out I was dying
49 and a half times at night.

736
00:31:04,487 --> 00:31:06,865
[audience laughs]

737
00:31:06,865 --> 00:31:08,950
You laugh,
but I would wake up scared, man.

738
00:31:08,950 --> 00:31:11,786
[groans]

739
00:31:12,662 --> 00:31:16,583
And then my wife, "Oh my God.
Every time you die, you wake me up."

740
00:31:16,583 --> 00:31:18,585
[audience laughs]

741
00:31:18,585 --> 00:31:20,962
"How many times
are you gonna die tonight?"

742
00:31:22,088 --> 00:31:24,757
"I kicked you, I rolled you over."

743
00:31:24,757 --> 00:31:26,885
"I put a pillow on your face."

744
00:31:27,677 --> 00:31:29,053
"Go die in the other room."

745
00:31:29,053 --> 00:31:30,138
[audience laughs]

746
00:31:30,138 --> 00:31:31,264
"Well, then, die quiet."

747
00:31:31,264 --> 00:31:34,350
"Because if you wake me up again,
I'm gonna kill you myself."

748
00:31:35,059 --> 00:31:36,978
"Don't you know
that I'm more tired than you?"

749
00:31:36,978 --> 00:31:38,897
"Because I do everything."

750
00:31:38,897 --> 00:31:41,649
[audience laughing]

751
00:31:44,235 --> 00:31:45,361
My wife says that.

752
00:31:46,321 --> 00:31:48,072
My wife walks around the house
talking shit.

753
00:31:48,072 --> 00:31:50,575
"I do everything. I'm exhausted."

754
00:31:51,451 --> 00:31:53,911
"From doing everything, I'm so tired."

755
00:31:56,456 --> 00:31:58,791
She's the only one in our house
allowed to be tired.

756
00:31:59,959 --> 00:32:01,169
I tried it one time.

757
00:32:01,836 --> 00:32:03,546
I go,"Babe, can I have a second?
I'm tired."

758
00:32:03,546 --> 00:32:04,923
"From what?"

759
00:32:04,923 --> 00:32:05,965
[audience laughs]

760
00:32:05,965 --> 00:32:08,259
"You're tired from what?"

761
00:32:08,259 --> 00:32:10,053
Shit, my bad, man.

762
00:32:10,637 --> 00:32:13,222
I'll have a cup of coffee and a whiskey
and shut the fuck up.

763
00:32:13,222 --> 00:32:15,516
- [audience laughs]
- [chuckles]

764
00:32:19,020 --> 00:32:20,772
It's hard to raise kids, man.

765
00:32:22,065 --> 00:32:24,233
And it's hard because of TikTok.

766
00:32:24,233 --> 00:32:25,693
[audience chuckles]

767
00:32:25,693 --> 00:32:27,612
Instagram, right?

768
00:32:27,612 --> 00:32:29,030
They watch this shit, man,

769
00:32:29,030 --> 00:32:32,241
and they have no idea
what the American dream is anymore.

770
00:32:32,241 --> 00:32:36,996
They watch Tiktok and they think,
"Oh, the American dream is fancy cars,

771
00:32:36,996 --> 00:32:39,957
and fancy boats, and fancy clothes,
and fancy houses."

772
00:32:39,957 --> 00:32:41,876
Man, that's not the American dream.

773
00:32:41,876 --> 00:32:45,463
My grandparents did not come
to this country for fancy things.

774
00:32:45,463 --> 00:32:48,383
They came to this country
'cause they wanted a roof over their head,

775
00:32:48,383 --> 00:32:49,759
a job,

776
00:32:49,759 --> 00:32:52,637
and they wanted to put food
in their families' bellies.

777
00:32:52,637 --> 00:32:55,556
And they wanted to make
their own decisions for their family

778
00:32:55,556 --> 00:32:57,141
and have a little bit of freedom.

779
00:32:57,141 --> 00:32:58,601
That's the American dream.

780
00:32:58,601 --> 00:33:01,604
- Nothing else. Nothing else.
- [audience applauding]

781
00:33:01,604 --> 00:33:02,605
It's hard.

782
00:33:04,565 --> 00:33:06,317
I want to raise my kids
the same way I grew up

783
00:33:06,317 --> 00:33:07,819
because I love the way I grew up.

784
00:33:07,819 --> 00:33:10,780
See, I didn't grow up rich,
but I didn't grow up poor.

785
00:33:10,780 --> 00:33:13,783
I would never insult my parents
and say I grew up poor, right?

786
00:33:13,783 --> 00:33:16,786
We didn't grow up in a big house,
but my mom made it a home.

787
00:33:16,786 --> 00:33:19,497
And I want to raise my kids
the way I grew up,

788
00:33:19,497 --> 00:33:20,873
but that'll never happen.

789
00:33:20,873 --> 00:33:22,291
Too much has changed.

790
00:33:22,959 --> 00:33:24,168
Right? Too much has changed.

791
00:33:24,168 --> 00:33:26,254
My son can watch cartoons
on that damn tablet

792
00:33:26,254 --> 00:33:29,006
as many times as he wants forever.

793
00:33:29,006 --> 00:33:31,592
And all I had growing up
was Saturday morning.

794
00:33:32,468 --> 00:33:33,511
And I don't know about you,

795
00:33:33,511 --> 00:33:36,431
but I was awake
before the TV came back on the air.

796
00:33:36,431 --> 00:33:38,266
[audience laughs]

797
00:33:38,266 --> 00:33:42,145
All of you in your twenties right now,
you're going, "Wait, what the fuck?"

798
00:33:42,145 --> 00:33:43,646
[audience laughs]

799
00:33:43,646 --> 00:33:46,441
Yeah, when we were kids, the TV would end.

800
00:33:47,817 --> 00:33:50,319
At night, a flag would come up.

801
00:33:50,319 --> 00:33:53,364
[audience laughing, applauding]

802
00:33:53,364 --> 00:33:54,532
And the... [chuckles]

803
00:33:55,533 --> 00:33:56,451
And the...

804
00:33:56,451 --> 00:33:58,703
The whole house would be like,
"Oh, fuck it. Go to bed."

805
00:33:58,703 --> 00:34:00,038
"That's it. [mumbles]

806
00:34:00,038 --> 00:34:01,414
[audience laughs]

807
00:34:03,082 --> 00:34:07,086
And all the experiences I had growing up
that my son will never have. Right?

808
00:34:07,086 --> 00:34:10,047
My son will never know what it's like
to sit on the kitchen floor

809
00:34:10,047 --> 00:34:11,549
talking to your girlfriend all night

810
00:34:11,549 --> 00:34:13,259
because the only phone in the house

811
00:34:13,259 --> 00:34:14,761
was stuck to the wall.

812
00:34:14,761 --> 00:34:16,596
[audience laughs]

813
00:34:16,596 --> 00:34:19,932
And my son will never know the feeling
of my dad getting on the other line.

814
00:34:19,932 --> 00:34:21,267
"That's enough. Go to bed."

815
00:34:21,267 --> 00:34:24,103
[audience laughs]

816
00:34:24,103 --> 00:34:26,981
"Make sure you pee first.
I don't want you to wet the bed tonight."

817
00:34:27,732 --> 00:34:33,446
[audience laughing]

818
00:34:34,322 --> 00:34:36,908
I love, love, love the way I grew up, man.

819
00:34:36,908 --> 00:34:39,577
And all the experiences
I had growing up, you know?

820
00:34:39,577 --> 00:34:42,497
Simpler time, right? Simpler time.

821
00:34:42,497 --> 00:34:45,750
My dad had to be at work
at five o'clock in the morning, you know?

822
00:34:45,750 --> 00:34:48,669
So my mom, ladies,
was left to do everything with us kids.

823
00:34:48,669 --> 00:34:51,255
And when I say everything,
I mean, for real, everything.

824
00:34:51,255 --> 00:34:52,548
Not your everything.

825
00:34:52,548 --> 00:34:53,716
[audience chuckles]

826
00:34:53,716 --> 00:34:56,677
Oh, stop, ladies.
I know Maria comes twice a month. Stop.

827
00:34:56,677 --> 00:34:57,970
[audience chuckles]

828
00:34:57,970 --> 00:35:01,474
"Oh no. She only does the deep clean.
She only does the deep clean."

829
00:35:01,474 --> 00:35:03,142
"I do everything."

830
00:35:05,186 --> 00:35:07,772
My mom would wake us up in the morning
for school, you know,

831
00:35:07,772 --> 00:35:10,608
and I miss those days.
Simpler times, you know?

832
00:35:10,608 --> 00:35:13,820
And I know my mom loved me the most
'cause she would wake me up last.

833
00:35:14,946 --> 00:35:16,739
And even the way she would wake me up.

834
00:35:16,739 --> 00:35:18,908
She'd walk in my room,
and she'd rub my cheek.

835
00:35:19,992 --> 00:35:22,328
And she would say, "Five minutes."

836
00:35:22,328 --> 00:35:23,746
[audience chuckles]

837
00:35:23,746 --> 00:35:25,665
This is how I knew
she really loved me the most

838
00:35:25,665 --> 00:35:28,125
'cause I would say, "Ma, I'm cold."

839
00:35:28,125 --> 00:35:30,336
And she would pick out an outfit
for me to wear,

840
00:35:30,336 --> 00:35:33,381
and she'd put it in the dryer,
and she'd warm it up for me.

841
00:35:33,381 --> 00:35:35,925
Look at all the moms. "Oh my God."

842
00:35:35,925 --> 00:35:38,845
"That is the sweetest thing
I will never do."

843
00:35:39,428 --> 00:35:40,471
[audience laughs]

844
00:35:40,471 --> 00:35:41,472
I don't know about you,

845
00:35:41,472 --> 00:35:44,058
but when I was growing up, man,
we never went out to eat.

846
00:35:44,058 --> 00:35:45,518
My mom always cooked.

847
00:35:45,518 --> 00:35:47,478
And we woke up to the smell of breakfast.

848
00:35:47,478 --> 00:35:51,399
My mom would make our lunch,
and we would listen to fun music,

849
00:35:51,399 --> 00:35:54,235
and my mom would make that lunch
with love and compassion.

850
00:35:54,235 --> 00:35:58,030
She's put us in the newish car,
and she'd drive us to school, you know?

851
00:35:58,030 --> 00:35:59,532
And I miss those days.

852
00:35:59,532 --> 00:36:02,118
If you have a good mother like mine,
give her a round of applause.

853
00:36:02,118 --> 00:36:03,661
She deserves it. Yes.

854
00:36:03,661 --> 00:36:05,955
Please. Please.

855
00:36:05,955 --> 00:36:07,248
Beautiful days.

856
00:36:07,248 --> 00:36:09,625
[audience applauding]

857
00:36:09,625 --> 00:36:13,212
But, every once in a while,
my dad would take us to school and...

858
00:36:14,964 --> 00:36:16,716
that was the worst day of our life.

859
00:36:16,716 --> 00:36:17,925
[audience laughs]

860
00:36:17,925 --> 00:36:20,678
And there was no five minute warning.

861
00:36:20,678 --> 00:36:21,846
All we got was...

862
00:36:21,846 --> 00:36:24,056
[mimics kick] "Get the fuck up."

863
00:36:24,056 --> 00:36:26,851
And I'd be like,
"Oh my God, Dad, is there a fire?"

864
00:36:26,851 --> 00:36:29,353
"There's no fire, fat boy.
Get the fuck up."

865
00:36:29,353 --> 00:36:30,855
[audience laughs]

866
00:36:30,855 --> 00:36:34,942
"But I'm cold. Can you pick out an outfit
and put it in the dryer?"

867
00:36:34,942 --> 00:36:37,862
"What the fuck is going on in my house?"

868
00:36:38,613 --> 00:36:41,574
"Your mom's titty's
not here for you to suck, titty baby."

869
00:36:41,574 --> 00:36:43,034
[audience laughs]

870
00:36:43,034 --> 00:36:45,536
"You get out of bed
before I get you out of bed."

871
00:36:46,454 --> 00:36:49,874
Me and my sisters would have
an emergency meeting in the hallway.

872
00:36:49,874 --> 00:36:51,667
"Do you know what's going on?"

873
00:36:51,667 --> 00:36:53,252
[audience laughs]

874
00:36:53,252 --> 00:36:56,589
And then my big sis, she'll be like,
"Mom left. She finally left."

875
00:36:56,589 --> 00:36:58,174
[audience laughs]

876
00:36:58,174 --> 00:36:59,717
"She said if we didn't behave,

877
00:36:59,717 --> 00:37:02,553
one day we would wake up,
and she would not be here."

878
00:37:03,971 --> 00:37:05,306
"Today is that day."

879
00:37:06,390 --> 00:37:08,226
"Now we're stuck with that asshole."

880
00:37:08,226 --> 00:37:10,019
[audience laughs]

881
00:37:11,437 --> 00:37:13,856
My dad didn't even know
how to take us to school.

882
00:37:14,440 --> 00:37:16,817
He would ask us, "So what do we do now?

883
00:37:17,818 --> 00:37:21,322
"What do we do now? Go get Mom.
That's what we do now."

884
00:37:21,948 --> 00:37:24,492
"We should be eating breakfast.
We should be singing songs."

885
00:37:24,492 --> 00:37:25,993
"We should be happy."

886
00:37:25,993 --> 00:37:27,411
"We're all sad."

887
00:37:28,454 --> 00:37:30,539
"And this outfit doesn't match."

888
00:37:31,540 --> 00:37:32,708
"And I'm cold."

889
00:37:32,708 --> 00:37:34,085
[audience laughs]

890
00:37:34,085 --> 00:37:36,545
"At least make our lunch, man."

891
00:37:37,672 --> 00:37:40,007
And then he would make a dad lunch.

892
00:37:40,007 --> 00:37:44,136
Leftover spaghetti between two breads.
"What the fuck?"

893
00:37:44,136 --> 00:37:45,513
[audience laughs]

894
00:37:45,513 --> 00:37:47,473
"We can't take that shit to school."

895
00:37:47,473 --> 00:37:48,683
[audience continues laughing]

896
00:37:48,683 --> 00:37:50,726
"All right, kids, let's go."

897
00:37:50,726 --> 00:37:53,729
"'Let's go?' It's 6:32 in the morning."

898
00:37:54,730 --> 00:37:57,066
"School doesn't start till 8:30."

899
00:37:58,234 --> 00:38:02,154
But I forgot that he was gonna take us
to school in the work truck.

900
00:38:03,406 --> 00:38:06,659
And it took 40 minutes
just to start that piece of shit.

901
00:38:06,659 --> 00:38:07,910
[audience chuckles]

902
00:38:07,910 --> 00:38:11,288
All of you in your twenties,
you do not know what a carburetor is.

903
00:38:12,373 --> 00:38:17,086
You do not know that when we were kids,
there was no backseat in a pickup truck.

904
00:38:17,086 --> 00:38:20,589
All there was was a bench
that went across the front.

905
00:38:20,589 --> 00:38:24,343
And in the middle of the floorboard
was a shifter this big.

906
00:38:24,343 --> 00:38:26,429
[audience laughs]

907
00:38:26,429 --> 00:38:29,765
[audience continues laughing]

908
00:38:31,642 --> 00:38:33,060
And if you sat in the middle...

909
00:38:33,060 --> 00:38:34,812
Thank you. [laughs]

910
00:38:34,812 --> 00:38:37,523
[continues laughing]

911
00:38:38,441 --> 00:38:41,610
And if you sat in the middle,
you had to sit like this.

912
00:38:41,610 --> 00:38:42,987
[audience laughing]

913
00:38:43,571 --> 00:38:46,365
And he would panic on the freeway.
"Move your ass."

914
00:38:46,365 --> 00:38:48,034
"Move your ass!" [grumbles]

915
00:38:48,034 --> 00:38:50,786
You'd move over,
and you'd have a shifter right there.

916
00:38:50,786 --> 00:38:52,830
[audience laughing]

917
00:38:59,754 --> 00:39:01,964
My dad would drive, right?

918
00:39:01,964 --> 00:39:04,675
My little sister, she was the smallest.
She was in the middle.

919
00:39:04,675 --> 00:39:06,969
And then my fat sister
would sit next to her.

920
00:39:06,969 --> 00:39:08,012
[audience laughs]

921
00:39:08,012 --> 00:39:11,057
Everybody relax.
She identifies as fat. And...

922
00:39:11,057 --> 00:39:13,059
[audience laughing]

923
00:39:13,059 --> 00:39:16,228
I sat next to the door
so I could hold it shut on the turns.

924
00:39:16,228 --> 00:39:18,689
[audience continues laughing]

925
00:39:18,689 --> 00:39:20,232
6:35 in the morning,

926
00:39:20,232 --> 00:39:23,235
my dad's already smoking
his first Marlboro Red.

927
00:39:23,235 --> 00:39:25,738
In the truck with his kids.

928
00:39:25,738 --> 00:39:27,365
Window cracked that much.

929
00:39:28,074 --> 00:39:31,077
'Cause if he's gonna get cancer,
we're all getting cancer.

930
00:39:31,077 --> 00:39:32,578
[audience laughs]

931
00:39:32,578 --> 00:39:34,705
We did shit as a family back then.

932
00:39:36,582 --> 00:39:40,044
All of you in your twenties,
you know where you charge your cellphone?

933
00:39:40,795 --> 00:39:43,798
Yeah. Well, when we were kids,
fire came out of there.

934
00:39:43,798 --> 00:39:47,051
[audience laughing]

935
00:39:47,051 --> 00:39:48,052
Fire.

936
00:39:50,388 --> 00:39:53,015
Took him 20 minutes
just to start that truck.

937
00:39:53,516 --> 00:39:54,975
Twenty minutes in the driveway.

938
00:39:54,975 --> 00:39:56,936
[mimics engine rumbling]

939
00:39:57,853 --> 00:40:01,273
He would talk to it like it was his wife.
"Come on, Brenda. Come on."

940
00:40:01,273 --> 00:40:02,441
[audience laughs]

941
00:40:03,025 --> 00:40:05,069
He would do this to it. "Come on, Brenda."

942
00:40:05,069 --> 00:40:06,946
[audience laughing]

943
00:40:06,946 --> 00:40:08,322
"Come... Come on, baby."

944
00:40:08,322 --> 00:40:10,241
[chuckles]

945
00:40:10,241 --> 00:40:13,327
I was a kid. I'm like,
"Dad, why do you... why do you..."

946
00:40:13,327 --> 00:40:16,705
[audience continues laughing]

947
00:40:16,705 --> 00:40:20,209
So disappointed in me.
"'Cause you gotta warm it up!"

948
00:40:20,209 --> 00:40:22,294
[audience laughing]

949
00:40:24,839 --> 00:40:25,965
[chuckles]

950
00:40:25,965 --> 00:40:29,927
Even if he got the truck started,
you're still not leaving.

951
00:40:30,594 --> 00:40:32,263
'Cause now he's gotta warm it up.

952
00:40:32,972 --> 00:40:34,223
Twenty more minutes of...

953
00:40:34,223 --> 00:40:37,768
[mimics engine revving]

954
00:40:38,477 --> 00:40:41,772
Us kids would be there,
"Dad, we're getting sleepy."

955
00:40:42,648 --> 00:40:45,401
"Oh shit.
You're not getting sleepy, you're dying."

956
00:40:45,401 --> 00:40:46,694
[audience laughs]

957
00:40:46,694 --> 00:40:49,113
"That's the exhaust.
Roll the window down."

958
00:40:49,113 --> 00:40:51,198
[audience continues laughing]

959
00:40:53,075 --> 00:40:58,706
We... We are the last people on planet earth
that understand what this means.

960
00:40:58,706 --> 00:41:00,458
[audience laughing]

961
00:41:00,458 --> 00:41:03,210
[laughs] That's it. It's just us.

962
00:41:05,087 --> 00:41:07,464
Every... Everybody here,

963
00:41:07,464 --> 00:41:10,885
if I go like this to you,
you know I'm saying roll the window down.

964
00:41:12,011 --> 00:41:13,637
What's gonna happen when I'm 70

965
00:41:13,637 --> 00:41:16,432
and I need some 16-year-old
to roll the window down?

966
00:41:16,432 --> 00:41:19,810
- My dumb ass... [mumbling]
- [audience laughing]

967
00:41:19,810 --> 00:41:24,064
That kid's gonna be like, "Oh my God.
That old man wants me to jack him off."

968
00:41:24,064 --> 00:41:26,150
[audience laughs]

969
00:41:37,119 --> 00:41:39,830
Those of you laughing the hardest,
you grew up like me, man.

970
00:41:40,581 --> 00:41:42,666
And the rest of you,
fuck you and your privilege.

971
00:41:42,666 --> 00:41:43,918
[audience laughs]

972
00:41:43,918 --> 00:41:45,711
[laughs]

973
00:41:45,711 --> 00:41:46,712
[audience laughing]

974
00:41:46,712 --> 00:41:48,589
You know what I'm talking about.

975
00:41:48,589 --> 00:41:51,800
[audience applauding]

976
00:41:51,800 --> 00:41:56,138
I still... I still remember
what that truck smells like, man.

977
00:41:56,764 --> 00:42:00,184
And maybe for you, it wasn't a truck.
Maybe it was an old Station Wagon,

978
00:42:00,184 --> 00:42:02,686
or an old piece of shit Chevette,
you know?

979
00:42:02,686 --> 00:42:05,940
But you know what it smells like.
It had a smell, man.

980
00:42:05,940 --> 00:42:07,733
I used to get in that truck and...

981
00:42:07,733 --> 00:42:09,985
[sniffs] I said, "Dad, what's that smell?"

982
00:42:09,985 --> 00:42:12,488
And he would say, "That's hard work, son."

983
00:42:12,488 --> 00:42:13,864
[audience laughs]

984
00:42:13,864 --> 00:42:17,243
[chuckles] I'm older now.
That is the smell of balls.

985
00:42:17,243 --> 00:42:18,869
- [audience laughs]
- [chuckles]

986
00:42:18,869 --> 00:42:21,455
That is years and years
of manual labor balls

987
00:42:21,455 --> 00:42:23,207
just soaked into the seats.

988
00:42:24,208 --> 00:42:27,044
Mixed in with some Marlboro Red smoke

989
00:42:27,044 --> 00:42:29,838
and a little bit of Crown Royal.
That's what that smell is.

990
00:42:31,257 --> 00:42:34,969
Sometimes I walk past a homeless person,
I'm like, "Whoo, there's the truck."

991
00:42:34,969 --> 00:42:36,554
[audience laughs]

992
00:42:39,223 --> 00:42:42,393
All of you in your twenties, man,
you've never pushed a vehicle

993
00:42:42,393 --> 00:42:44,186
to pop the clutch.

994
00:42:44,186 --> 00:42:45,813
[audience laughs]

995
00:42:47,773 --> 00:42:50,943
You've never stalled out.
Oh, that truck would stall out, man.

996
00:42:50,943 --> 00:42:52,861
We'd be at the stop sign.
Dad would take off.

997
00:42:52,861 --> 00:42:54,905
Pow! Shit.

998
00:42:55,948 --> 00:42:57,741
Break our little baby necks.

999
00:42:58,867 --> 00:43:02,121
It would always roll right out
into the middle of the intersection.

1000
00:43:02,621 --> 00:43:06,542
Now we gotta start the whole process over
in front of the whole town.

1001
00:43:06,542 --> 00:43:08,627
[mimics engine rumbling]

1002
00:43:09,211 --> 00:43:11,463
Me and my little sister were there,
"Come on, Brenda."

1003
00:43:11,463 --> 00:43:13,173
[audience laughs]

1004
00:43:13,173 --> 00:43:15,384
"Please, Brenda!"

1005
00:43:15,384 --> 00:43:17,469
[audience continues laughing]

1006
00:43:17,469 --> 00:43:20,764
My fat sister was already eating
the spaghetti sandwich.

1007
00:43:20,764 --> 00:43:22,683
[chuckling]

1008
00:43:23,475 --> 00:43:25,060
"It's pretty good."

1009
00:43:26,687 --> 00:43:29,189
"Less eating, more fingers!"

1010
00:43:29,189 --> 00:43:30,983
[audience laughs]

1011
00:43:32,443 --> 00:43:34,987
[chuckles]

1012
00:43:35,946 --> 00:43:36,947
Man, we would...

1013
00:43:37,656 --> 00:43:41,785
We would get, like, three or four blocks
from our school,

1014
00:43:42,411 --> 00:43:44,830
and that's when me
and my little sister would panic.

1015
00:43:44,830 --> 00:43:48,042
Me and my little sister would be like,
"Hey, Dad. Right here. We're good, Dad."

1016
00:43:48,042 --> 00:43:49,209
[audience laughs]

1017
00:43:49,209 --> 00:43:51,462
"No, we're gonna walk.
We're good to walk."

1018
00:43:52,671 --> 00:43:56,175
My sister, "'I haven't even finished
my spaghetti sandwich."

1019
00:43:56,175 --> 00:43:57,718
[audience continues laughing]

1020
00:43:57,718 --> 00:43:59,053
"I'm not gonna walk."

1021
00:44:01,180 --> 00:44:04,516
But my dad would ask us.
He would say, "Why do kids want to walk?"

1022
00:44:05,351 --> 00:44:07,895
And when you're young, you say dumb shit.

1023
00:44:08,771 --> 00:44:12,107
Me and my little sister would say
something horrible to my father.

1024
00:44:12,691 --> 00:44:14,652
We would say, "Dad, we're embarrassed."

1025
00:44:15,194 --> 00:44:16,487
"We're embarrassed of this truck,

1026
00:44:16,487 --> 00:44:19,406
and we don't want our friends
to see us in this truck with you."

1027
00:44:19,406 --> 00:44:21,659
I can't believe I said that to him.

1028
00:44:21,659 --> 00:44:23,911
And I'm glad that I get to tell the world

1029
00:44:23,911 --> 00:44:26,372
that I am not embarrassed
of my father at all.

1030
00:44:26,372 --> 00:44:29,875
I am proud of my father. Proud.

1031
00:44:29,875 --> 00:44:31,043
[audience applauding]

1032
00:44:31,043 --> 00:44:32,044
Very proud.

1033
00:44:33,921 --> 00:44:34,755
Because...

1034
00:44:35,255 --> 00:44:38,258
I now know what he was doing

1035
00:44:38,258 --> 00:44:39,885
'cause I am now a dad.

1036
00:44:39,885 --> 00:44:42,721
And I know that my dad
was doing what good men do.

1037
00:44:42,721 --> 00:44:45,974
They wake up every day,
and they go to work, and they sacrifice

1038
00:44:45,974 --> 00:44:48,769
so that their wife and kids
can live a better life

1039
00:44:48,769 --> 00:44:50,521
than even them themselves.

1040
00:44:50,521 --> 00:44:53,232
And that's what my dad was doing. Yup.

1041
00:44:53,232 --> 00:44:55,442
[audience applauding]

1042
00:44:55,442 --> 00:44:56,360
So...

1043
00:44:58,195 --> 00:45:01,407
now that I'm a dad,
I think about Brenda all the time.

1044
00:45:01,407 --> 00:45:02,908
[audience chuckles]

1045
00:45:03,575 --> 00:45:06,745
I think about Brenda because I was
in that truck every once in a while,

1046
00:45:06,745 --> 00:45:08,747
and it was the worst day of my life.

1047
00:45:08,747 --> 00:45:11,166
And I now realize
that my dad was in that truck

1048
00:45:11,166 --> 00:45:13,252
every single day for years

1049
00:45:13,252 --> 00:45:16,130
just so his family could
have a little more.

1050
00:45:16,130 --> 00:45:18,924
I realize that my dad
never called in sick or drunk.

1051
00:45:19,883 --> 00:45:21,135
- [audience chuckles]
- [laughs]

1052
00:45:21,135 --> 00:45:22,928
'Cause even if he was drunk, he went.

1053
00:45:24,304 --> 00:45:25,389
Man shit.

1054
00:45:26,056 --> 00:45:28,767
He still found the time
to coach me in little league.

1055
00:45:28,767 --> 00:45:31,395
He was at the school
when me and my sisters needed him.

1056
00:45:31,395 --> 00:45:34,732
And every Sunday morning,
my mom made sure we all got dressed up

1057
00:45:34,732 --> 00:45:38,193
and went to church and thanked God
for the things that we had. Yeah.

1058
00:45:38,944 --> 00:45:39,820
Yup.

1059
00:45:39,820 --> 00:45:41,280
[audience applauding]

1060
00:45:42,865 --> 00:45:43,699
Yup.

1061
00:45:45,451 --> 00:45:48,912
Like I said,
I want my kids, especially my son,

1062
00:45:48,912 --> 00:45:50,873
to learn the same lessons
I learned growing up,

1063
00:45:50,873 --> 00:45:52,458
but he never will.

1064
00:45:52,458 --> 00:45:54,209
[audience laughs]

1065
00:45:54,209 --> 00:45:56,295
I mean, I do this for a living, okay?

1066
00:45:56,295 --> 00:45:59,798
I can't go home tomorrow
and be like, "I work hard for this, son."

1067
00:46:00,674 --> 00:46:04,219
My son's gonna be like, "Really?
Shitting on Mom on Netflix, is that hard?"

1068
00:46:04,219 --> 00:46:06,221
[audience laughs]

1069
00:46:06,221 --> 00:46:07,347
"You don't sacrifice."

1070
00:46:07,347 --> 00:46:11,685
"I watch you start your truck with an app
on your phone like a little bitch."

1071
00:46:11,685 --> 00:46:14,938
- [audience laughing]
- [chuckles]

1072
00:46:16,440 --> 00:46:17,524
So it's hard!

1073
00:46:18,192 --> 00:46:22,446
How do you raise kids in this soft,
spoiled, crybaby world? I don't know.

1074
00:46:22,446 --> 00:46:25,199
All I can tell you is what I do to my son.
I make him work.

1075
00:46:25,199 --> 00:46:26,700
I put his little ass to work.

1076
00:46:26,700 --> 00:46:27,785
He's only eight years old,

1077
00:46:27,785 --> 00:46:30,954
but he's in charge
of the 11 acres we live on.

1078
00:46:30,954 --> 00:46:32,164
He's in charge of the...

1079
00:46:32,164 --> 00:46:34,333
Yeah, he helps me with the chicken coop.

1080
00:46:34,333 --> 00:46:37,294
He brings in the trash cans.
He cleans his own room.

1081
00:46:37,294 --> 00:46:40,130
He collects the eggs,
and he sells those eggs to the neighbors.

1082
00:46:40,130 --> 00:46:42,049
And I tax him 50 percent.

1083
00:46:42,049 --> 00:46:43,884
- [audience laughing]
- Yes!

1084
00:46:47,221 --> 00:46:49,348
Because I have made it,

1085
00:46:49,348 --> 00:46:50,766
and he has not!

1086
00:46:50,766 --> 00:46:52,100
[audience laughs]

1087
00:46:52,100 --> 00:46:53,727
And he needs to earn it.

1088
00:46:55,854 --> 00:46:59,358
These kids are just growing up
different than us, man.

1089
00:46:59,358 --> 00:47:01,318
You know,
it's amazing what these kids want.

1090
00:47:01,318 --> 00:47:03,821
They ant hugs, and they want love. I mean...

1091
00:47:04,446 --> 00:47:05,531
Encouragement.

1092
00:47:05,531 --> 00:47:07,533
[audience laughs]

1093
00:47:07,533 --> 00:47:09,660
Fucking pussies.
We didn't grow up like that.

1094
00:47:09,660 --> 00:47:12,287
- [audience laughs]
- [Steve chuckles]

1095
00:47:12,287 --> 00:47:15,165
My son will say things to me
that blow my mind, man.

1096
00:47:15,165 --> 00:47:17,584
We were in the truck together,
me and him the other day,

1097
00:47:17,584 --> 00:47:20,003
and my son goes, "Dad,

1098
00:47:20,003 --> 00:47:23,173
Grandpa Joe told me he was...
that he was proud of me."

1099
00:47:23,173 --> 00:47:25,092
I'm like, "What the fuck?"

1100
00:47:25,092 --> 00:47:26,051
[audience laughs]

1101
00:47:26,635 --> 00:47:29,054
He goes, "Yeah. He gives me hugs
and tells me he loves me."

1102
00:47:29,054 --> 00:47:30,889
I was like, "What the fuck?"

1103
00:47:30,889 --> 00:47:32,558
[audience laughs]

1104
00:47:32,558 --> 00:47:35,185
"Are they good hugs?
I bet they're good hugs."

1105
00:47:35,185 --> 00:47:36,728
[audience continues laughing]

1106
00:47:36,728 --> 00:47:39,398
"How does he say I love you?
I've never heard it."

1107
00:47:39,398 --> 00:47:40,482
[audience chuckling]

1108
00:47:44,111 --> 00:47:47,197
My son hears it from me.
I've never heard it from my dad.

1109
00:47:47,197 --> 00:47:50,325
Me and dad, we like
to drink whiskey together, you know?

1110
00:47:50,325 --> 00:47:52,703
Even trying to hug him is so awkward.

1111
00:47:53,453 --> 00:47:55,414
Like, I'll try, man.
I'm like, "Dad, come hug me."

1112
00:47:55,414 --> 00:47:57,124
"What the fuck, man?"

1113
00:47:58,375 --> 00:48:00,127
"You trying to fuck me or something?"

1114
00:48:00,127 --> 00:48:02,546
[audience laughs]

1115
00:48:02,546 --> 00:48:04,548
Shit, I just want a hug, dude.

1116
00:48:05,632 --> 00:48:07,426
I'll tell him too.
"Dad, tell me you love me."

1117
00:48:07,426 --> 00:48:11,013
And his first response is always,
"Don't... I'm trying to have a good time."

1118
00:48:11,013 --> 00:48:12,347
[audience laughs]

1119
00:48:12,347 --> 00:48:15,100
"Don't... Don't start your shit
with me, man."

1120
00:48:16,685 --> 00:48:19,855
I go, "One time, Dad, before you die,
please tell me you love me. Please."

1121
00:48:19,855 --> 00:48:24,276
You know what his second response is?
"Why? So you can take advantage of me?"

1122
00:48:24,276 --> 00:48:26,194
[audience laughs]

1123
00:48:26,194 --> 00:48:27,321
Then he really fucked me up

1124
00:48:27,321 --> 00:48:29,990
'cause he goes,
"Do you tell your wife you love her?"

1125
00:48:29,990 --> 00:48:33,785
I said, "Of course I do, Dad.
Every day I tell my wife I love her."

1126
00:48:33,785 --> 00:48:35,579
"And look how she treats you."

1127
00:48:35,579 --> 00:48:37,956
[audience laughs]

1128
00:48:37,956 --> 00:48:39,041
[chuckles]

1129
00:48:44,796 --> 00:48:46,798
But I do love drinking with him, man.

1130
00:48:46,798 --> 00:48:49,551
And you have to get old enough
in your life, fellas,

1131
00:48:49,551 --> 00:48:51,887
to understand they want
to tell you things before they die,

1132
00:48:51,887 --> 00:48:55,599
and you need to be smart enough
to shut the fuck up and listen. Yes.

1133
00:48:55,599 --> 00:48:57,309
The problem with my dad, though,

1134
00:48:57,309 --> 00:49:00,020
is sometimes he tells me things
that I don't need to know.

1135
00:49:00,771 --> 00:49:02,356
You know, when we're having our drinks.

1136
00:49:02,356 --> 00:49:04,650
Like, one of my favorite things
about growing up

1137
00:49:04,650 --> 00:49:06,109
was Sunday sundae.

1138
00:49:06,109 --> 00:49:08,737
You know, my dad invented it.
That's why you don't know what it is.

1139
00:49:08,737 --> 00:49:11,239
After church,
every once in a while when we were kids,

1140
00:49:11,239 --> 00:49:12,991
not all the time,
but every once in a while,

1141
00:49:12,991 --> 00:49:15,911
my dad would announce to the car,
"It's a Sunday sundae."

1142
00:49:15,911 --> 00:49:17,621
We would get so happy.

1143
00:49:17,621 --> 00:49:19,706
'Cause we knew
that he was gonna go to H-E-B,

1144
00:49:19,706 --> 00:49:22,000
he was gonna buy
three gallons of ice cream,

1145
00:49:22,000 --> 00:49:23,210
one for each kid.

1146
00:49:23,210 --> 00:49:26,463
All the things you need to make a sundae,
he would put it on the kitchen table,

1147
00:49:26,463 --> 00:49:29,841
and he would look at us kids and say,
"It's a Sunday sundae."

1148
00:49:29,841 --> 00:49:32,010
My fat sister would lose her shit.

1149
00:49:32,010 --> 00:49:34,304
[audience laughs]

1150
00:49:35,389 --> 00:49:36,306
[Steve laughs]

1151
00:49:38,850 --> 00:49:40,227
I loved it!

1152
00:49:40,227 --> 00:49:41,561
Dad and I are having drinks,

1153
00:49:41,561 --> 00:49:44,106
and I told him, I said,
"Dad, I just want to thank you

1154
00:49:44,106 --> 00:49:46,900
for all the wonderful memories
of Sunday sundae."

1155
00:49:46,900 --> 00:49:50,612
He goes, "Hey, I want to thank you
'cause that's when I would fuck your mom."

1156
00:49:50,612 --> 00:49:53,991
[audience laughing]

1157
00:50:01,707 --> 00:50:03,709
There goes a good memory, Dad.
Thank you, buddy.

1158
00:50:03,709 --> 00:50:06,253
- [audience laughs]
- [mumbling]

1159
00:50:10,924 --> 00:50:12,009
But sometimes...

1160
00:50:12,718 --> 00:50:15,804
Sometimes my dad tells me something
that blows my mind.

1161
00:50:15,804 --> 00:50:16,972
Because my dad,

1162
00:50:16,972 --> 00:50:20,225
he may not be an educated man,
but he's a smart man.

1163
00:50:20,225 --> 00:50:23,437
We were back there one day drinking,
and my dad came up to me.

1164
00:50:23,437 --> 00:50:27,357
He found out that me and my wife
had gotten pregnant for the second time.

1165
00:50:27,357 --> 00:50:30,360
He said, "I understand you're pregnant."
I said, "Yes, sir, we are."

1166
00:50:30,360 --> 00:50:32,904
My dad said,
"I hope you have a daughter, son."

1167
00:50:32,904 --> 00:50:33,989
And I said, "Why, Dad?"

1168
00:50:33,989 --> 00:50:37,659
He said, "Because being a girl dad
is the most beautiful thing a man can be."

1169
00:50:37,659 --> 00:50:40,120
He said being a girl dad is special.

1170
00:50:40,120 --> 00:50:41,455
- Yeah.
- [audience applauding]

1171
00:50:42,581 --> 00:50:43,999
And I didn't understand.

1172
00:50:43,999 --> 00:50:46,752
And I looked at my dad
and I said, "Dad, I don't understand."

1173
00:50:46,752 --> 00:50:48,170
"Because that little boy in there,

1174
00:50:48,170 --> 00:50:50,589
I don't know how anything
can be more special than that."

1175
00:50:50,589 --> 00:50:52,257
And he goes, "You know your sisters?"

1176
00:50:52,841 --> 00:50:53,800
"I love them."

1177
00:50:54,426 --> 00:50:59,389
- [audience laughing]
- [chuckles]

1178
00:50:59,389 --> 00:51:00,724
He goes, "I like you."

1179
00:51:00,724 --> 00:51:03,935
[audience continues laughing]

1180
00:51:05,228 --> 00:51:07,064
But, man, is he right again.

1181
00:51:08,023 --> 00:51:09,232
'Cause I have a daughter.

1182
00:51:09,232 --> 00:51:10,901
Her name is Delilah Rae.

1183
00:51:11,735 --> 00:51:13,153
- Yep. Thank you.
- [audience cheers]

1184
00:51:13,153 --> 00:51:15,572
She's the most beautiful girl
in all the world.

1185
00:51:16,490 --> 00:51:19,576
And it is special, and it is amazing,
and it is different.

1186
00:51:19,576 --> 00:51:21,787
And I'm sorry
for all the husbands in this room

1187
00:51:21,787 --> 00:51:23,830
that do not have daughters.

1188
00:51:23,830 --> 00:51:26,291
I can't explain to you what it feels like.

1189
00:51:26,291 --> 00:51:29,503
But all I can tell you is that my wife
puts that little girl in a little dress

1190
00:51:29,503 --> 00:51:33,006
with her little bow in her hair
and her little purse,

1191
00:51:33,006 --> 00:51:36,510
and she walks up to me,
and she says, "Daddy, hug you."

1192
00:51:36,510 --> 00:51:37,469
[inhales sharply]

1193
00:51:37,469 --> 00:51:39,721
And I turn gay as shit. I'm like...

1194
00:51:39,721 --> 00:51:41,723
[audience laughing]

1195
00:51:41,723 --> 00:51:43,809
[breathes deeply]

1196
00:51:43,809 --> 00:51:46,561
[audience continues laughing]

1197
00:51:46,561 --> 00:51:48,230
[in high-pitched voice] That's my baby!

1198
00:51:48,230 --> 00:51:50,065
[audience laughs]

1199
00:51:50,065 --> 00:51:52,567
Somebody get me a mango White Claw. Quick.

1200
00:51:53,068 --> 00:51:54,903
- [audience laughs]
- [chuckles]

1201
00:51:56,446 --> 00:51:58,156
And I used to be hard.

1202
00:51:58,949 --> 00:52:01,451
And I used to be strong,
I used to be tough,

1203
00:52:01,451 --> 00:52:03,328
and now I cry at commercials.

1204
00:52:04,454 --> 00:52:06,331
I'm like, "Fuck you, St. Jude."

1205
00:52:06,331 --> 00:52:09,209
[audience laughs]

1206
00:52:09,209 --> 00:52:11,586
Sarah McLachlan, adopt a puppy.

1207
00:52:11,586 --> 00:52:13,713
- [audience laughs]
- [Steve chuckles]

1208
00:52:16,049 --> 00:52:18,760
That little girl puts makeup on my face,
and I let her.

1209
00:52:19,386 --> 00:52:22,514
She... She paints my toenails,
and I let her.

1210
00:52:22,514 --> 00:52:25,058
I never shopped a day in my life.

1211
00:52:25,058 --> 00:52:27,060
And I'm on Amazon at night
showing my wife.

1212
00:52:27,060 --> 00:52:29,521
"I'mma buy that for baby girl.
I'mma buy that."

1213
00:52:30,188 --> 00:52:33,984
That little girl has more clothes
and more shoes and more outfits

1214
00:52:33,984 --> 00:52:36,778
and more toys
than she could ever, ever have.

1215
00:52:36,778 --> 00:52:39,489
Meanwhile, my son's in a wife beater
that doesn't fit.

1216
00:52:39,489 --> 00:52:40,991
[audience laughs]

1217
00:52:40,991 --> 00:52:43,618
His pinky toe's hanging out
of his tennis shoe.

1218
00:52:44,369 --> 00:52:47,539
He's walking around the house homeless.
"What about me, Daddy?"

1219
00:52:48,540 --> 00:52:50,625
I'm like, "I don't know, buddy.
What about you, man?"

1220
00:52:50,625 --> 00:52:53,378
"The trash needs to come in,
the yard looks like shit,

1221
00:52:53,378 --> 00:52:54,921
the chicken coop needs to be cleaned,

1222
00:52:54,921 --> 00:52:57,340
and the customers have been calling.
They need their eggs."

1223
00:52:57,340 --> 00:52:58,842
[audience laughs]

1224
00:52:59,426 --> 00:53:01,344
"You need to spend
some money on yourself, son."

1225
00:53:03,013 --> 00:53:04,639
"You want to make
extra money around here?"

1226
00:53:04,639 --> 00:53:07,142
"Me and your little sister,
we're gonna have a tea party."

1227
00:53:07,142 --> 00:53:08,476
"You can be the waiter."

1228
00:53:08,476 --> 00:53:10,896
[audience laughs]

1229
00:53:14,941 --> 00:53:18,194
'Cause, as a dad,
I have two responsibilities.

1230
00:53:18,194 --> 00:53:21,072
Responsibility number one
is to turn that little boy

1231
00:53:21,072 --> 00:53:23,283
into a good hard-working man.

1232
00:53:23,283 --> 00:53:25,869
And the only way to do that
is to be hard on him.

1233
00:53:25,869 --> 00:53:27,078
[audience applauding]

1234
00:53:27,078 --> 00:53:27,996
Yup.

1235
00:53:29,915 --> 00:53:32,375
My other responsibility
as a dad with my daughter

1236
00:53:32,375 --> 00:53:35,587
is to teach her
how a man is supposed to treat her.

1237
00:53:35,587 --> 00:53:37,255
Yup, big difference.

1238
00:53:37,255 --> 00:53:38,256
Right.

1239
00:53:39,299 --> 00:53:42,761
So, yes, I will be hard on my son,
and I will spoil my daughter

1240
00:53:42,761 --> 00:53:45,931
because I reserve the right
to ruin some man's life, too, someday.

1241
00:53:45,931 --> 00:53:47,933
[audience laughs]

1242
00:53:47,933 --> 00:53:51,061
And I want my daughter's future husband
to hear nothing from her but,

1243
00:53:51,061 --> 00:53:53,104
"My daddy. My daddy. My father."

1244
00:53:53,104 --> 00:53:54,773
[audience laughs]

1245
00:53:54,773 --> 00:53:56,650
"This is not how I'm to be treated."

1246
00:53:56,650 --> 00:53:58,818
"My daddy told me... My daddy..."

1247
00:54:01,321 --> 00:54:03,156
And I also want that little girl

1248
00:54:03,156 --> 00:54:06,368
to grow up to be exactly like my wife.

1249
00:54:06,368 --> 00:54:08,286
- Oh yeah.
- [audience cheers]

1250
00:54:08,286 --> 00:54:09,496
'Cause I want my wife to know

1251
00:54:09,496 --> 00:54:11,665
what the fuck it's like
to live with her too.

1252
00:54:11,665 --> 00:54:13,750
[audience laughs]

1253
00:54:14,334 --> 00:54:16,336
Oh, I want her to get her payback.

1254
00:54:17,087 --> 00:54:19,589
And some of you women
are having daughters becoming teenagers,

1255
00:54:19,589 --> 00:54:22,968
and you can't figure out
why you and her can't get along.

1256
00:54:24,052 --> 00:54:26,596
Well, congratulations,
you have met yourself.

1257
00:54:26,596 --> 00:54:28,014
[audience laughs]

1258
00:54:28,014 --> 00:54:30,850
And your husband loves it
when you come to him like this.

1259
00:54:30,850 --> 00:54:32,102
"Mmm, mmm."

1260
00:54:32,102 --> 00:54:34,145
[audience chuckles]

1261
00:54:34,145 --> 00:54:36,106
"Go talk to your daughter right now."

1262
00:54:36,606 --> 00:54:40,193
"Why? Because she has an attitude problem,

1263
00:54:40,193 --> 00:54:42,362
she doesn't take no for an answer,

1264
00:54:42,362 --> 00:54:45,365
and she spends every dollar
that we give her."

1265
00:54:45,365 --> 00:54:48,994
And your husband's sitting there going,
"Wow, you know anybody like that?"

1266
00:54:48,994 --> 00:54:50,829
[audience laughs]

1267
00:54:50,829 --> 00:54:53,206
"Oh, shut up. Your payback's coming

1268
00:54:53,206 --> 00:54:55,500
because she's gonna marry
a dumbass like you

1269
00:54:55,500 --> 00:54:57,877
and give you both Bell's palsy."

1270
00:54:57,877 --> 00:54:59,462
[audience laughs]

1271
00:54:59,462 --> 00:55:01,172
"Payback, bitch."

1272
00:55:01,172 --> 00:55:03,174
I am Steve Treviño. Thank you.

1273
00:55:03,174 --> 00:55:07,470
- [audience applauding]
- Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

1274
00:55:07,470 --> 00:55:10,056
["Everyone's an Outlaw"
by Bryan Martin playing]

1275
00:55:14,769 --> 00:55:15,854
<i>♪ Well, I was raised up... ♪</i>

1276
00:55:15,854 --> 00:55:16,813
Thank you!

1277
00:55:18,231 --> 00:55:20,317
This show is dedicated

1278
00:55:21,109 --> 00:55:23,778
to people like my mom and my dad,

1279
00:55:24,404 --> 00:55:26,740
people like my wife's mom and dad,

1280
00:55:26,740 --> 00:55:31,202
to the people that wake up
every single day and do the hard jobs,

1281
00:55:31,202 --> 00:55:33,079
the hard-working people of the world.

1282
00:55:33,079 --> 00:55:36,124
I want this special to be for you.

1283
00:55:36,124 --> 00:55:38,418
{\an8}Thank you! Thank you!

1284
00:55:38,418 --> 00:55:42,589
{\an8}[audience applauding]

1285
00:55:42,589 --> 00:55:44,299
{\an8}And I could not live my life

1286
00:55:44,299 --> 00:55:47,260
{\an8}and do all the things I do
without my beautiful wife,

1287
00:55:47,260 --> 00:55:50,180
{\an8}Captain Evil,
the director and the producer tonight.

1288
00:55:50,180 --> 00:55:52,432
{\an8}Give her a round of applause, please.

1289
00:55:52,432 --> 00:55:55,894
{\an8}[audience applauding]

1290
00:55:55,894 --> 00:55:59,230
{\an8}<i>♪ Don't let me catch you fittin' in ♪</i>

1291
00:56:00,607 --> 00:56:02,567
{\an8}<i>♪ 'Cause everyone's an outlaw ♪</i>

1292
00:56:05,361 --> 00:56:07,947
{\an8}<i>♪ Till it's time to do outlaw shit ♪</i>

1293
00:56:12,202 --> 00:56:15,080
{\an8}My wife and I, we love you guys so much.

1294
00:56:15,080 --> 00:56:17,582
{\an8}Thank you for the continued love
and support.

1295
00:56:18,124 --> 00:56:19,000
{\an8}Goodnight.

1296
00:56:20,668 --> 00:56:24,089
{\an8}["Everyone's an Outlaw" continues]

1297
00:56:24,089 --> 00:56:27,300
{\an8}<i>♪ Well, I was raised up by a simple man ♪</i>

1298
00:56:27,300 --> 00:56:32,180
{\an8}<i>♪ I grew up with a gun in my hand ♪</i>

1299
00:56:32,931 --> 00:56:34,641
[song fades]