-Fuck True Thread! -Yeah!
Former three-time Winston Cup champion Ron Dobbins
added a DUI to his résumé this weekend while attending a meet and greet
at the Valley Forge Auto Center in West Chester, Pennsylvania.
Where's Cal?
He still isn't in yet.
He was taking his car to a collision place.
Oh.
-He's gonna be sad as hell. -Yeah, super sad.
My fuckin' car broke down today.
-Seriously? -Yeah.
-That sucks. -Yeah.
Why don't you just fix it?
I need Cal for this. It's a wiring issue.
He's got those tiny little hands. He can get in there.
Those tiny little hands? What is that? You got small hands.
-His are way smaller than mine. -Let me see. Hold your hand up.
-No, Kilah. You got-- -Why not?
-You have giant-- -'Cause I'm more athletic?
Yo.
Fuck. What's up, Jared?
What's up?
Come on. You gotta have something, conversation-wise, when you come in here.
You got me today. Cal called out.
Cal never calls out.
-Hello. -God, fuck! Hi, Jared.
How, uh, have you guys, uh…
Been? You mean, "How have you been?"
-We're good. -What the f…
How about you? What have you been up to?
My uncle tried to train a peacock, and he didn't leave with eyes.
All right, Jared. Why don't you head back there?
Get started and I'll be back. I'll meet you there in a while.
It's gonna be a while. You're gonna love it. Another day.
-I think I blacked out. -I've never heard one word he's ever said.
What is that? Boiling blood?
No, that's lava. The lava means we're fucked.
That's when we're behind on payments and everything's burning up.
Jesus Christ, Will. Why'd you have to make it so fucking grim?
Because it's an accurate representation of our current situation.
Wait. Where's Kilah and Cal?
I figure they succumb to the lava.
You and I are fighting it, of course, despite its futility.
Shane is enjoying the destruction.
I'm looking… Look a little jacked there though.
No, no, no. That's actually me, this.
Well, 'cause you see you've got your mustache in this one?
-Mm. -I've been hitting the gym.
Okay. What do you, as the manager, think we should do?
I don't know. Isn't this your specialty?
You know, True Thread's got us on probation for a year.
I called every other tire brand. No one's gonna allow us to sell at cost.
Our whole business model's fucked.
Will, you're the manager! What is a good first step?
Uh, maybe…
You think I should bring in my consultant?
Because she's the one that did the evaluation to begin with
and convinced me to buy this fuckin' stinking garbage barge.
Well, it wasn't a garbage barge when you bought it.
Garbage got dumped onto what was otherwise a normal… barge.
But… but… but yes, I do actually think your consultant…
That's, uh… that's a good idea.
You sure about that?
-Yeah. -She used to be in the military.
She's killed people, Will.
Black ops. CIA.
She was a wet girl.
Sounds scary.
Sick drawing. Where's Kilah and Cal?
-They're dead. -Dead.
-Nice. -No, it's not nice.
This represents maybe three or four months of solvency.
We have three or four months left? And what are you two doing?
You two captains of industry. You having a crybaby party?
Just taking five in the break room, crying?
Will thinks we should bring in my consultant.
-What? -She's gonna tell you to fire everybody.
-Well, we're not firing anybody. -She's gonna tell you to fire people.
-We could lose Jared. -She'll tell you to kill Jared.
Got you something.
Nice to see your handwriting's cleaned up.
Shut the fuck up.
-What does it say? -"Pussy."
-Could've been worse. -I think he's maturing.
This would have said
really, really deplorable things a year ago.
Hey, Cal. It's Shane. Give me a call back when you get this.
Kilah thinks you're dead.
Also, we got a ton of fuckin' work, and I'm not gonna do it.
Also, I got that wire thing that's fucked up on my car again,
so I need you to help me with that.
Otherwise, I'd have to call Belmont, and I'm not doing that.
If I see you again, I'm gonna suck you, put you on all fours,
and do some things back there you've never experienced.
Really, why the fuck aren't you calling me back?
I mean, it's all fucked up.
Yeah.
You got insurance?
Unfortunately, no.
Oh, damn.
Insurance would be good 'cause of how fucked up it is.
Without insurance, you gotta pay--
-I know how insurance works. -Okay.
I'd say it's totaled.
I can give you cash for parts. Otherwise, it's gonna be a boatload.
That sign out front, are you guys still looking for auto techs?
-Yeah, man. -Yeah?
It'd be really cool if you started working here.
We need another cool guy around here.
This is a cool car, man.
-Yeah, I spent a lot of time on it. -Yeah.
It doesn't matter how much time you'd spent on it now. It's fucked up.
I don't even care. I don't care at all.
Ah, come on.
This is Kelly. Leave a message.
Ah, fuck, I care!
Hey, Jared. I gotta head out. You think you can cover some of my work?
Uh…
There are a lot of cars.
There are a lot. That's why it's awesome you're gonna do this for me.
But I'd be all by myself.
John Wilkes Booth was all alone. Look what he did.
Shook up the whole fucking world. Huh?
You're getting pretty good at small talk, man.
Oh, never mind.
You should cut staff.
Significantly.
I would think about closing a store. Maybe this one.
Belmont looks bad too.
We were thinking about opening a new store, actually, but, uh,
guess we'll have to table that.
Yes, you have to table that.
-Who did the drawing? -My nephew.
-Aw. -He's 41.
Oh.
Yep, that's me, him, and my son, Shane, with the goatee.
We're all burning in lava in about six months.
Well, it's accurate.
So we could look into a larger chain who would be willing to absorb this one--
Trish, I cannot sell Valley Forge because I just bought it.
Just put down the sickle for a moment and help me figure this out.
There's gotta be a better way.
Okay.
Who is Dave?
He's the general manager.
Okay, well, he's eating up 165K a year.
He should go first.
Jesus Christ!
He should go first.
Also, who… who is that creepy guy staring at me?
Oh.
That's, uh, my gifted nephew, the artist.
I told him that you used to perform black ops for the CIA.
You know, that you were a wet boy.
Right.
That… you,
you know, would kill people.
It was a joke.
Hey, Tommy.
Whoa. What's going on? Are you all right?
I'm fine. I just… I need a car.
-Well, what happened to your Honda? -Oh, the Honda's fucked.
Problem is, I don't have any money.
Money is all we take from guys. You're out of luck, pal.
You'd believe that. You're a sweet boy.
-Oh no. -You're a sweet boy…
What about that one?
You can't afford that one.
-I can't afford anything. -Well, you can't afford that one the most.
Let's make a deal on it.
You guys love making deals, right? Huh?
How about… 10% off service for a full year
on every single piece of shit car you bring over to us,
and I get that car?
Ah…
I can't make any deals until Andy gets back.
I need that car today.
I know. Look, he went to New Jersey to get a skin tag removed.
Think how excited he'd be if he came back, and you're here with a big deal like this.
Yeah, but he makes all the big decisions and stuff, you know?
You could do it. This is your business too, right?
You're allowed to do this.
Yeah, I mean…
It is a lot of cars.
It's a ton. I'm the one getting screwed. This is a good deal for you.
I feel like Andy would say 15%?
You said ten, and we agreed on ten, and you can't fuck us on this, all right?
You can't bring your cars for tires and somewhere else for service.
I want the whole wop fleet for that car.
Whole fleet?
Whole fleet.
So, like a fleet account?
Ooh, I like that. Fleet account.
I like that too. It's my idea.
Look at you, man.
Hey, Jared, have you seen Shane?
He… said he was--
Never mind.
Hey, buddy, how you doin'?
-The car is totaled. -I'm so sorry.
I should have sold it when I had the chance.
No, no. If you really like something, selling it's not the right move.
Instead, I waited
until Ron took it from me and smashed it into a wall.
Now it's completely unrecognizable and of absolutely no value.
Also, I got offered another job.
Tell me you aren't considering it.
I am.
Cal, we're in fucking free fall here, and you're gonna leave me?
I'm not gonna leave you, but I have to consider it.
Yeah? Well, consider this.
Fuck you!
No, no, no. Wait, wait. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean it. I was just flustered.
Cal, what would I do if you left, okay? I would miss the teacups and your goatee.
So can you just take a second and don't do anything drastic, please?
Hello? What the fuck?
-Oh my God! Shane! -What's up, Shane?
What the fuck is this?
We were making out.
No shit you're fuckin' making out! I knew I was right.
You were not right.
-We weren't hooking up, no. -No.
Until we had that big fight, right?
And then I went and I talked to Ollie. He made me feel a lot better.
-Then we had a bit of sex. -Yeah.
Yeah.
-Then we had a lot of sex. -Yeah.
-And then that brings us to… today. -The fuck?
Goddamn, Ollie! Just when I thought we were gonna be friends!
What? I thought you hated me.
I did, but that's how all great friendships start.
I would have, like, slowly warmed up to you,
and eventually, I might have texted you a funny slur,
and depending on if you were cool about it,
I would've included you in my friends' group text,
which you wish you could be a part of. You'll never be part of it now.
I never would have done this if I thought we could be friends.
What?
-Honestly, I can't believe you. -Can't believe me?
Shane, we were never together, okay?
You don't know anything about me. You think we were gonna get married?
I don't know. I didn't plan on it. I'm not a fucking Indian guy.
Sorry I'm yelling.
I've never been cheated on like this before,
and it's fuckin' embarrassing.
You haven't been cheated on because we weren't together.
Do I have to explain that again? That's what it is. You don't get it.
I really… I actually liked you, but then you just like…
The amount of fucked-up shit that was happening,
I was like, "I can't date this guy in good faith." Know what I mean?
You did coke at 11:00 in the morning that one time.
Sometimes guys do coke during the day. What the fuck? Who cares?
Right, and that's my husband. That's someone I should invest time in.
-I do coke in the day sometimes. -Shut the fuck up.
Yeah, shut the fuck up. You and me are never gonna be boys.
You probably have a boner from my girlfriend.
-I don't have a boner. -I wasn't your girlfriend.
Oh great. Now you're both lying to my face.
Shane, you're just this giant walking red flag.
-You have red flags. -Okay, name one so I can work on it.
The Polynesian chicken sandwiches you brought? Fucking sucked.
Oh really? 'Cause I didn't fuckin' make them, okay?
-Who made 'em? A fucking asshole? -Someone in the kitchen.
-Are they even Polynesian? -No.
I fuckin' knew it. I could taste it. It tasted like shit.
You brought over shit and piss for me and my friends.
Okay. I'm sorry if your feelings got hurt.
-You could never hurt me. -Who are those flowers for?
For you.
See, I don't like flowers.
I'm sorry, Shane.
I think you should go.
I'm gonna go.
-Is your boss still here? -I think in the back, yeah.
-Are you gonna tell on me? -No, I'm not gonna tell on you.
I'm gonna talk to her about fleet accounts,
which you two fuckin' numbskulls know nothing about.
Oh, you don't like fucking flowers?
I'm not mad.
I'm sorry, Shane.
What's a fleet account?
Shut the fuck up.
Great.
Brr!
Okay, here we go.
Hi, Rick. Nice to meet you. I'm Will Jacobs, Valley Forge Auto.
We were looking to actually expand our tire line.
We've been True Thread guys in the past. Thinking about being Commander people.
Uh, yes, yes.
We are the shop with the whole Ron Dobbins fiasco,
but we didn't work on that car.
He stole that car
after having drank a lot of whiskey.
Will Jacobs, Valley Forge Auto. I'd like to do a tire deal with you.
What we're looking to do is then sell your tires at cost on our end.
Uh, I mean, it's our business model, and that's… What do you care?
You know, Tire World's running around intimidating everybody.
That's a little ridiculous.
Yeah, this is Will Jacobs calling from Valley Forge Auto.
I was just looking to secure a deal to sell your tires.
Yes. I mean, you're saying, "With my nipples out."
That's one way to phrase it, huh?
The other the way to phrase it is, my shirt was off.
My chest was exposed, and you're talking about my nipples?
Can we get back to talking about that deal that I… that I did wanna make with you?
Oh boy.
Yeah, it's, uh, Will Jacobs again. We talked earlier.
I just wanted to really ask
if… if there was any sort of room for negotiation around this.
Even if we're not selling at cost, you know, maybe a couple bucks over.
That's fantastic.
I'll tell you what. I'll send over an email,
and we'll finalize the details, and then, um,
yeah, we'll get payment going.
All right, thank you.
Yes!
Fuck you!
Hello, Lisa. Looking for Dave.
-He went home for lunch. -What?
-But he lives out back. -Oh. Of course he does.
Trish, this is Lisa.
Loads of drama.
Rude.
Dave, wake up!
Let's go to questions.
Yeah, it's a little cramped in here. I'm between places right now, you know.
Letting Barb have the house until we figure out this whole
divorce thing. But, um…
Oh. I think it's pretty nice. Looks like you got everything you need.
Yeah.
Um…
So, Trish, what do you do?
Trish is a consultant that I hired
to help us sort through some, uh, financial issues.
Wait. Are you firing me?
Yes.
Un-fucking-believable.
You come into my home
on my one pleasant hour,
my sacred lunch hour, to fucking fire me? Some lady I don't even know?
-Dave, you cost too much money. -I'm a fucking bargain!
I was gonna ask for a raise, to be honest with you.
I can say with almost absolute certainty that that was not gonna happen.
No.
Your mom wants you to find a nice girl.
You wanna find one who has what?
Access to a jet ski.
-A good profession. -A good profession.
Yeah, whatever.
I was gonna have to find a new job in six months anyway.
Wait. You were gonna quit?
No, I wasn't gonna quit. Everybody knows what's going on here.
Your little daddy-son reconciliation project's already falling apart.
In six months, this place was gonna go tits up,
and you were gonna sell it just like Shane said.
Shane was right. Things were fine before you got here.
They were good, actually.
Every shop was busy.
We were making money.
I was in a beautiful home with my wife. I was getting pussy from Lisa.
I even got head from her cousin twice, and she looks pretty much exactly like her
but with a snaggletooth, and that was… very interesting to me.
Dave, stay focused.
-Hey, Kilah! -Yeah?
Where's Phil?
He said he was going to put Dave into the lava.
Oh shit!
The point is, look at us now.
You paid some fucking hillbilly to drive drunk on TV?
I, your most talented lieutenant,
have been relegated to living in a parking lot?
And Lisa won't even so much as look at my penis.
Yeah, what's up, Will?
Phil. Phil, where are you?
I'm in Dave's camper. It's pretty sweet, actually.
I've got a deal, and I think you should come back and hear it.
And… and… and just…
Dave is good at his job.
You can't fire him.
Yeah, I'm right in the middle of that, but, um,
I am reconsidering. Talk to you soon.
So, Dave.
You can live in the parking lot for a few more months.
And Will wants that?
As do I.
-Trish, you can go home. -Okay, great.
Or you could hang out. There's no rush. We're just having lunch.
What, sardines and chicken nuggets like you're an alley cat?
-Trish, these are anchovies. -I'd rather kill myself.
-Don't talk like that. -Rather set myself on fire.
Can I just say, Trish, that's a beautiful color on you.
The bag is incredible. The blazer's very fetching.
You really know how to put together an outfit.
So long, Trish!
-Get fucked. -Till we meet again.
What do you think?
What is this?
It's your new car. It's a lot nicer than the last one.
Are you serious?
Hell yeah, I'm serious.
This isn't one of those things where I get in the front seat
and it shoots me out and you post it on the Internet, is it?
Fuck, I wish I did that. No.
It's just a real gift.
I gave Ron some of that whiskey, so that…
that's on me.
I dunno. I figured you could start over with this.
This is the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me.
It's definitely the nicest thing I've ever done for anyone.
Can I hug you?
No, dude. Come on.
I love you.
What?
I love you, dude.
-I can't hug you? I'm gonna hug you. -No. Ew!
-I love you, man. -Ew, Cal!
Look at it. This is fucking incredible!
How's it drive?
Terrible.
Perfect.
Dude.
Fleet accounts.
Fleet accounts?
Yeah, fleet accounts.
We go to all the local businesses here that have four or more vehicles.
We say, "If you bring the cars exclusively to us, we'll give 10% off."
It's awesome. I got, like… The wops are gonna do it.
Kelly's catering company agreed to it. Dado's HVAC company, they agreed.
That's, like, a ton of work right there.
-You got those already? -Yeah, today.
That's huge. 'Cause I tried to do that a while ago, and it just didn't…
Look at you, little salesman! I told you, you would be a great salesman.
-Shut the fuck up. -Oh, that's so cool.
Because that also brings the advertising budget way down
'cause there's nothing to really--
-Exactly. -Oh man!
Well, that's something.
It's somethin'.
Reality check, dogs. We're fucked.
Hey, I thought you killed yourself.
Clearly, I didn't succeed.
But you know what?
Dave's not going anywhere,
nor you, nor you, nor am I.
We may all burn in the lava in six months,
but we're gonna be together.
Like men.
That's the spirit. That's good stuff.
Thanks.
-Could you give me a ride somewhere? -Sure.
Can you bring a gun?
I have a gun. My work gun should be… Oh fuck. I don't know where that is.
Are you serious? Shane!
It's gotta be around here somewhere. My work gun's around here.
-It's a weapon of death! -We gotta find that gun.
I can't believe you even think it's funny to smile about things like guns.
-I've been sending you links to safes! -Hey!
It's somethin'.
We're not gonna die.
Fleet accounts.
-Nice! -Where do you wanna go?
Iced coffee.
-Kilah, do not spill that shit in here. -Oh my God. Stop being a baby.
I'm not gonna spill it.
-Can I smoke a blunt in here? -No, you can't smoke in here.
"How do you feel today?" she asked
'Cause time goes slow And life goes fast
I need to know some things real quick
There's a pain in the light
When you're heading to red
How do you feel?
You say, "I've been better before"
Rosary beads on your knees…
Fuck you.
Saying prayers for selfish things
Give me hope for better times
Dream to fix…
Bye, Jerome.
Let me know when you get…
You know,
sometimes I can be, uh,
a little…
You know.
Yeah.
He said, "I have met her before…
I know I'm not always…
Totally.
Listen to me
And bring a coat
If hell's so warm, then heaven's cold
And I'll meet you there
And it's never been better before
Oh, it's never been better before
With you
Well, hey, thanks for this
Satan is a… is a dirty, dirty person
Come home from church
The next thing you know I'm doing bumps off the chicks
I don't know, man It's the craziest fuckin' thing
But, yeah, say no to the devil
The devil
Listen to me
And bring a coat
If hell's so warm, then heaven's cold
And I'll meet you there
And it's never been better before
Oh, it's never been better before