Ah!
Damn, it's just Riley.
"Damn, it's just Riley."
I have a name for my autobiography.
This dude has been waiting on your brother,
watching the door like a dog.
I had to rub his belly to calm him down.
I can't believe Dad's picking Sam up at the airport.
He didn't even pick me up when I got my wisdom teeth pulled.
It was fine. I've driven on way more codeine.
Sam joined the Navy.
You got fired for stealing socks from Old Navy.
Alright, attention on deck!
We got an officer coming in there.
Sam Parker, Commander of Naval Intelligence.
Get over here.
-Aw. -Okay! Oh, yeah.
I missed you so much.
Oh, we're gonna have so much fun.
We gotta go to the Grove. They have a trolley now.
-Gabe, sit. Sit, sit. Calm down. -Okay.
-Okay, my turn. Oh! -Aw.
Oh, this feels good.
And weird without you putting me in a headlock
-and giving me a noogie. -Well, if you insist.
-No! -Oh!
Look at my man Sam.
You lookin' good, baby.
-Not as good as you. -I know that's right.
This is just great, you know?
He's on the road to becoming an admiral
and just flew in from-- Where was it?
-I'm not at liberty to say. -Ha!
I love it when he says that.
Yeah, but when I say it, I'm "withholding evidence."
[♪ rock theme playing]
[tires screeching]
Georgia, your mom tells me how great you're doing in school.
And, Carter...
you're really funny on Instagram.
Thanks. Missed you, Unc.
You know, last time you saw me, I was a boy.
But now, I'm a man.
And, yes, that is Obsession by Calvin Klein you're smelling.
It's better than his old scent, Cool Ranch by Dorito.
You know what? We should have a welcome home party.
Oh! You've never thrown me a party, Dad.
Sure, I did. Junior year. That big surprise party.
That was an intervention.
But the muffins were great.
Fine, but not a lame party.
-We should do a karaoke night! -Ooh!
No, no, no, no, I don't like karaoke.
I don't listen to Bob Seger songs thinking,
"Maybe some drunk accountant should sing this."
-Uncle Sam. -Hm?
-You're a spy, right? -I am not at liberty to--
Yeah, yeah, save it for the sheeple.
My Legend of Zelda game is missing,
and I know Carter took it.
Can you give me some spy stuff to catch him?
One of the first things they teach us...
[patting]
...is that when people lie,
they have a tic or a tell that gives them away.
-Like what? -Um, fidgeting,
avoiding eye contact.
An unusual rise in vocal tone.
Grandpa, you love Mom and Sam the same, right?
[high-pitched] Yeah, of course I do.
I can't believe how grown up the kids are.
Well, you've been gone a long time.
You know, you spent all that time in North Korea...
-Dad. -My mistake, South Korea.
You know I can't tell you.
And I also know how hard it is
for you to not know where I've been.
[Matt] Well, it's a good thing for you
'cause you're on that admiral track.
Something you've always wanted since you were a kid.
Yeah, well, I also wanted to be a dinosaur, so...
I'm glad to be home.
Yeah. Me too. Really missed you, kid.
So, my loss is the Philippines' gain?
Nope.
You know, Cyprus is on the water.
It is Cyprus.
Could be.
Cleveland?
[Riley] [singing] ♪ Yo, I'll tell you what I want what I really, really want ♪
♪ So tell me what you want, what you really, really want ♪
♪ I'll tell you what I want, what I really, really want ♪
♪ So tell me what you want, what you really, really want ♪
[both singing] ♪ I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna ♪
♪ I wanna really, really, really wanna zigaziga ♪
♪ Ah! ♪
[♪ "Wannabe" by Spice Girls continues playing]
[♪ song stops]
I'll tell you what I really want.
For these mushrooms to kick in faster.
Hey, guys.
-Oh, hey, you made it. -Yeah, of course.
[Riley] You know Gabe and Stitch. This is my brother.
-Sam, this is my boyfriend, Andy. -Hey.
He's, uh... Well, look at him.
Oh, it's nice to put a name to the face of the guy
that Gabe says he can do more pull-ups than.
-[Andy] Hmm. -Twelve.
It's not important. But it's 12.
Andy is a lawyer. And he's never been arrested.
[chuckles]
I did a background check.
But, unless you kill puppies, we're good.
And even then.
-Hi, I'm Amelie. -Hi. Nice to meet you, Amelie.
-Stop that. Bring it in. -Okay.
Um, I'm a dancer, but I minored in physics.
The point is, I'm not defined by being Gabe's girlfriend.
I mean, what does "girlfriend" even mean?
It means that we live together
in a monogamous sexual relationship.
Shh! Stop.
You know what? You guys mind if I sing you a song?
-Oh. Oh! -[Andy clears throat]
You brought a guitar. Huh. To karaoke.
You know, the, uh, the music's provided, right?
Music is provided, but it is BYOA.
That A is for awesomeness.
[clears throat] Stitch, I'll Make Love to You.
Uh. The-- The song. Uh, Boyz II Men.
I really feel like the right thing to do
is to protect him from himself.
And play.
[♪ "I'll Make Love To You" by Boyz II Men playing]
[singing off-key] ♪ Close your eyes ♪
♪ Make a wish ♪
Made one. You still have the guitar.
♪ ...the candlelight ♪
♪ For tonight! ♪
♪ Is just your night ♪
I should have protected him from himself.
This is Black-on-Black crime.
♪ I’ll make love to you ♪
♪ If you want me to ♪
♪ And I'll hold you tight ♪
♪ Baby, all through the night ♪
♪ I'll make love to you ♪
♪ Like you want me to ♪
♪ And I'll... ♪
This is the most painful thing I've ever experienced.
And I fist-fought a dude from the Taliban.
What are you talking about?
This couldn’t be going any better.
Guitar solo!
[♪ guitar playing]
[laughing] And it just got better!
Do you guys remember when he was hot?
I missed you, babe.
[♪ harmonica playing]
Well, you know the old saying,
you never really know a man until he karaokes.
You don't have to be enjoying this so much.
Where did Sam go?
Well, he certainly didn't tell me a secret
and go to the bar.
-What? -Sam's not gonna re-enlist.
What?! That's insane.
Not as insane as bringing your own guitar to karaoke,
but close.
Alright, Stitch, let's cue up a little ditty
called American Pie.
I gotta see this. He brought headgear!
You're quitting the Navy?!
I guess pinky promises mean nothing to Gabe.
I've dedicated 20 years of my life to the military,
and I'm ready for the next thing.
Oh, my God, Dad is gonna freak! When are you gonna tell him?
And can I be there? And possibly film it
and send it out as my Christmas card?
I'm waiting for the right moment.
Smart. 'Cause he is gonna be disappointed.
But just know, deep down,
he's also gonna be really furious.
You're not helping.
-And are you smiling? -What?
-No. Cheek cramp. -Yeah.
But for real, I love you, and I will support you
-every step of the way. -[sighs]
Not because I wanna see the golden boy crash and burn.
Like I said, for support.
[♪ harmonica playing]
-Good news. -[Sam] Mm.
I just threw down my credit card.
We got three more hours. If I'm payin', I'm playin'!
[Riley whimpers]
Carter's coming.
I need to find out if he stole my video game.
-What do I do? -Okay.
You're just trying to gather intelligence.
Intelligence from Carter? Good luck.
Okay, establish a baseline of behavior
for when he's telling the truth.
And then look for deviations when the target is lying.
Hey, Carter.
-What time is it? -Let me check.
Time for you to get a watch.
Walked right into that one.
Carter, out!
[shoes squeaking]
See?
I can't play mind games when he doesn't have the parts.
Don't you moonwalk away from me!
Ugh! Stop shouting.
I drank so much last night.
I browned out between Andy doing Purple Rain
and Andy doing acoustic Purple Rain.
Yeah, that was the song that was formerly known as good.
Well, good morning, kids. Whoa.
Wow, you look terrible.
And you smell worse.
Do we have to have another little "surprise party"?
Don't say party.
Hey, you remember that admiral friend of mine?
Thinking maybe you guys could connect.
Maybe guide you through the process of becoming an admiral.
And, you know, suggest a good place to eat there in Yemen.
Thanks. Yeah, I'll, uh, I'll think about that.
-Great. -[clearing throat loudly]
[continues clearing throat]
[clearing throat forcefully]
Just throw up already.
Why didn't you say anything?
I told you, I'm waiting for the right moment.
[in baby voice] Oh, no. The world’s bwavest man
is afwaid of Daddy!
You know, for a fun drunk, you're a mean hangover.
I'm just trying to be sensitive. Dad just lost Mom.
I don't want him losing his only good kid.
Hey! Well, fair.
But I appreciate your help and your support.
And I appreciate your help
directing me to the nearest trash can.
Oh, yeah. Here you...
-Thank you. -...go.
[Riley groaning]
Aw, this reminds me of your Junior Prom.
And your Senior Prom.
Oh! And your wedding.
[laughter and chatter]
I'm so proud of you, man.
And you're protecting us from communists,
whether it's in strange countries,
or Brooklyn.
And, uh, my coffee protects doctors from falling asleep
in heart surgery. [chuckles]
You're welcome, America.
Hey, Unc, you got any cool battle scars?
Oh, yeah. Shrapnel.
And I stitched it up myself with dental floss.
Always be prepared.
See, this is why I don't waste it on my teeth.
How do you have a girlfriend?
[phone ringing]
-Hold on. Excuse me. -Mm. Yeah.
How much fun was the other night?
We saw a whole other side of you, Andy.
And I liked it.
A lot.
I know, man. When I do karaoke, I just lose myself.
Ugh! I should’ve done Lose Yourself.
-You rap, too? -Pfft.
Man, save some talent for the rest of us.
Did, uh, did everyone get some champagne?
My dad wants you to know it's American, not French. [scoffs]
[mimicking Matt] "It's half the price.
And the grapes aren't crushed by cowards."
You know, I'm good, Mom.
I found it a bit dry. Right?
I've said too much.
None for me, thanks.
Just protecting the ole instrument.
Hey, Sam, I just talked to Admiral Masson.
Oh.
You never called him.
Time to come clean.
Uh, look, Dad, I was waiting for the right moment
to tell you,
which I now realize was the car ride coming home
back from the airport.
Tell me what?
I've decided to retire from the Navy.
You tell him!
-To become an actor. -To do what?
[enthusiastic clapping]
Dang it!
I always clap at the wrong time.
-Can we talk for a minute? -[sighs] Yeah.
Excuse us.
-I need you to come with me. -Oh.
Listen, why do I have to hear this from the admiral?
Okay, Dad. Sorry, I didn't want to disappoint you.
But honestly, I didn't know how to tell you.
But you're made for this.
You got your analytic skills from your mom,
and look how far it's taken you.
Yeah, well, now I wanna follow my artistic side.
Look, lots of former military guys have gone on
to become successful actors.
Jimmy Stewart, Adam Driver...
Bea Arthur.
One of the Golden Girls!
Dad, I know this is a lot to take in,
but I'm serious about this.
I'm, uh, gonna sign up for improv classes.
Ooh! Phew.
Now, you're just trying to hurt me.
You're on a path to become an admiral in the Navy.
This is something you've wanted since you were a little boy.
Yeah, well, acting is not that different
from what I do in Naval Intelligence.
I pretend to be people that I'm not all the time,
and I'm good at it.
I've done accents that would get me canceled stateside.
What I see is you throwing away a great career for nothing.
Sam just wants to follow his dream.
And we should support that.
Even if his dream is stupid.
You're gonna do great.
I can handle this on my own.
Oh, see? That was good acting. I almost believed him.
You want to see some good acting?
Hey,
I think this is a great idea.
That was actually pretty good.
♪♪
Here, I gotta hurry.
A Girl Scout's selling cookies right next to me.
If she's there when I get back,
she better be ready to earn her bitch-slap badge.
Does she have a limit on how many boxes
of Do-si-dos you could buy?
It's not important. Totally unrelated,
I'll be right back.
-So, how's your brother doing. -Eh...
I'm used to my dad being upset. I've built up immunities.
But Sam's like an unvaccinated casino waitress in April 2020.
[clears throat] Oh, wait, that was me.
I never didn't have COVID.
I tested positive every day for eight months.
Let me guess. We're still talking about Sam?
Ugh. I know you're upset.
Yeah, I'm upset.
He's always wanted to be an admiral.
Now he's gonna just throw that all away?
Well, maybe he'll play one on TV.
On one of the channels you watch, like two,
or four, or seven.
Yeah. You know what?
Maybe he could play Cap'n Crunch's boss.
Wait, Cap'n Crunch isn't an admiral?
"Captain's" right in his name.
Chocula's still a count, right?
You know what, Dad? Why don't you just cut Sam off
like you did me for 15 years.
Or, crazy thought,
maybe for once in your life, be the mature one.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go choke out a Girl Scout.
Stitch, you were in the service.
Be honest with me.
Do you think what Sam's doing is crazy?
Hey, come on, man, look,
the man knows what he wants to do with his life
after the military.
Not everybody has that. I didn't.
You had a great second act. You came to work here.
Sam spent 20 years fighting for other people's freedom.
He deserves the same freedom
to do whatever the hell he wants.
To be an actor?
I don't think I can get used to Riley being the successful one.
You'd be surprised, man.
Your kids can make you proud in all sorts of ways.
Ding-dong! The witch is dead.
[cackling]
♪♪
Andy, sorry, we have a strict "no music" policy.
The jerk next door always complains.
Your dad?
I said what I said.
You know what? That's actually why I came.
Oh, God.
-[♪ strums guitar chord] -Riley,
this one's for you.
What the hell?
I realized the other night
that I took it a little too far at karaoke.
And I just wanted to make things right.
It's not your fault. You have pretty privilege.
People let hot people do whatever they want.
It's why Idris Elba gets to be a DJ.
Well, after seeing many, many...
God, many videos of myself online,
I realized that I have been, uh...
What is the legal term? It is a... douche canoe.
You know what?
I like that you're not good at something.
Thank you?
No. People like you and my brother
can be a little intimidating.
So, I kinda like that you're not perfect.
Oh.
Well, I kinda like that you're not perfect, too.
What? Okay, hold on.
No, I mean, seriously, I ran a background check on you.
-Oh, God. Mm. -No. It's fine.
You do have an active warrant in Utah.
Yeah, well, not to brag, but I might have one here, too,
if that Girl Scout presses charges.
-You mind if I...? -Go ahead.
No! Look what they've done to my boy!
Only one pepperoni left. You want it, Georgia?
No, Carter should have it.
He's my brother, he deserves something nice.
Wait, you're being nice to him?
Okay, missy, I don't like this one bit.
She's trying to trick me. You have been all week.
-No I haven't. -Just admit it,
you want to know what happened to your video game.
-I think I'm entitled to it. -You want answers?
-I want the truth! -You can't handle the truth!
Zelda’s a free spirit.
She belongs to no man, woman, or forest nymph.
-So, you did take it! -You're damn right I did!
'Cause you don't appreciate the nonlinear storytelling.
Or-- Or the catchy music.
You need me to play that game!
Cracked him like an egg.
That's it. She's the captain now.
Hey, Sam, can we talk for a minute?
Talk or yell?
I'll just clean up.
Look, Dad, I'm sorry I wasn't upfront with you,
but I've made my decision.
This is what I'm gonna do.
That's exactly what I said to my dad.
Do you remember when your grandpa talked to me
about taking over the machine shop?
Yeah. You wanted to be an industrial designer.
Right. We fought about it,
fought, fought, fought, he's a very stubborn man.
Hmm. Sounds like someone I know.
-Could we...? -Continue.
Listen, my dad passed before we had a chance
to patch up our differences like that.
It always stuck with me,
and I couldn't stop thinking about this.
You know, and I don't want that to be between the two of us.
Ah. Told you you should get that mole checked.
I'll stop.
I just want you to be happy. Period.
And if that means expressing your artistic side, like me,
and that art happens to be acting,
then, so be it, son.
-Thanks, Dad. -[Matt] Yeah.
So, you don't think me wanting to be an actor is stupid?
No. Huh-uh.
I think it's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
But who knows? You might get cast
as the guy that's really in the Deadpool costume.
While Ryan Reynolds is getting his feet done in his trailer.
But I'm proud of you.
I have been, and I always will be, son.
[throwing voice] You too, Riley.
You really turned your life around.
We're having a little moment here
and you had to add yourself to it.
-Sorry. -Golden boy is back.
♪♪
[imitating jet whooshing]
[imitating gunfire]
Contact. Right. [imitating more gunfire]
[panting heavily]
Talk to me, Goose.
Talk to me.
And scene.
Wow. That was... Wow!
[high-pitched] It was great.
Wait. Why was he so upset about a goose?
Hey, Dad.
What did you think?
I am not at liberty to say.
[crying] That was... That was beautiful, man.
-[continues crying] -Hey, thanks, buddy.
-You... Wow! -Thanks.