1
00:00:15,883 --> 00:00:17,483
People say-- You will have heard this,
2
00:00:17,483 --> 00:00:21,003
people say, "You can't joke
about anything these days."
3
00:00:21,523 --> 00:00:22,603
Watch me now.
4
00:00:24,683 --> 00:00:27,443
We're gonna kick off our evening
with some short, edgy jokes,
5
00:00:27,443 --> 00:00:30,323
get the measure of each other,
see if we're gonna be friends.
6
00:00:32,563 --> 00:00:34,443
Eyes down, everyone.
Let's fucking do this.
7
00:00:35,803 --> 00:00:38,283
I bought my girlfriend a bath bomb.
8
00:00:38,283 --> 00:00:40,163
I say that... toaster.
9
00:00:44,283 --> 00:00:45,443
She was shocked.
10
00:00:47,643 --> 00:00:50,403
When my girlfriend found out
I'd been drunk driving,
11
00:00:50,403 --> 00:00:51,563
she hit the roof.
12
00:00:58,443 --> 00:01:00,243
I was in Hong Kong.
13
00:01:00,243 --> 00:01:02,843
Their Chinatown is fucking massive.
14
00:01:07,123 --> 00:01:08,883
I've got a half brother.
15
00:01:08,883 --> 00:01:10,323
Sorry. Transgender.
16
00:01:20,603 --> 00:01:23,523
It's a cliché, I suppose,
but I-- I-- I, um--
17
00:01:23,523 --> 00:01:25,123
I used to tell jokes at school
18
00:01:25,123 --> 00:01:26,963
to stop kids from bullying me.
19
00:01:26,963 --> 00:01:28,523
They used to shout mean things like,
20
00:01:28,523 --> 00:01:31,243
"Get out of our playground,
you pedophile!"
21
00:01:35,243 --> 00:01:36,563
I've got feelings.
22
00:01:38,283 --> 00:01:41,043
My art teacher at school was a pedophile.
23
00:01:41,043 --> 00:01:43,843
Yeah, so it really was
back to the drawing board.
24
00:01:50,603 --> 00:01:52,563
I write a lot of my jokes on my iPhone,
25
00:01:52,563 --> 00:01:55,443
but the autocorrect is always
fucking up the lunch line.
26
00:02:00,203 --> 00:02:01,803
- Ah--
27
00:02:02,523 --> 00:02:03,403
Sure.
28
00:02:06,083 --> 00:02:08,243
Everyone in here's
got a mobile phone, right?
29
00:02:09,203 --> 00:02:11,403
And they're incredible.
They've done so much for us.
30
00:02:11,403 --> 00:02:13,603
But it has come at a price.
31
00:02:13,603 --> 00:02:16,443
They've robbed us
of our ability to concentrate,
32
00:02:16,443 --> 00:02:18,603
those mobile phones, yeah?
A good example. Last week,
33
00:02:18,603 --> 00:02:20,523
I had to do a simple piece
of mental arithmetic.
34
00:02:20,523 --> 00:02:23,123
'Course, I couldn't do it in my head,
needed the app on the phone.
35
00:02:23,123 --> 00:02:25,883
Before I'd even opened the calculator app,
I checked my email,
36
00:02:25,883 --> 00:02:28,203
updated my Instagram, and hit a cyclist.
37
00:02:34,243 --> 00:02:37,683
Are you aware of the mobile phone
secretly listening to your conversation?
38
00:02:38,283 --> 00:02:40,283
Yes.
- It's creepy, right?
39
00:02:40,283 --> 00:02:42,683
You'll be chatting to a friend
about the good old days,
40
00:02:42,683 --> 00:02:45,683
and then for the next two weeks,
you're bombarded with adverts
41
00:02:45,683 --> 00:02:47,243
for anal beads and butt plugs.
42
00:02:52,283 --> 00:02:54,883
My, uh-- My girlfriend likes
to be tied up.
43
00:02:54,883 --> 00:02:58,003
But, it turns out,
really scared of railway tracks.
44
00:03:00,843 --> 00:03:02,723
When I masturbate, thanks for asking...
45
00:03:03,883 --> 00:03:06,123
When I masturbate,
I always put my pinky up
46
00:03:06,123 --> 00:03:08,203
so it looks like a fancy lady is, uh...
47
00:03:09,603 --> 00:03:11,043
...fingering my asshole.
48
00:03:13,723 --> 00:03:17,763
There's a sub-genre of porn
called POV porn,
49
00:03:17,763 --> 00:03:20,283
which is shot from the man's perspective,
50
00:03:20,283 --> 00:03:21,763
so you see what the man sees
51
00:03:21,763 --> 00:03:24,843
when he's having sex with the lovely lady
in the pornographic film.
52
00:03:24,843 --> 00:03:27,643
I'm gonna make POV porn,
little money-making scheme,
53
00:03:27,643 --> 00:03:31,083
and make POV porn,
but from the woman's perspective.
54
00:03:31,083 --> 00:03:33,603
Huh? It's gonna be super easy
to shoot as well.
55
00:03:33,603 --> 00:03:37,603
It's just a close-up of a headboard,
a pillow, a ceiling, and some dude's feet.
56
00:03:40,163 --> 00:03:44,083
Well, 'cause people say men have got--
are more sort of visual than women.
57
00:03:44,083 --> 00:03:46,963
Well, I don't think so.
I think we just have a better view, right?
58
00:03:47,923 --> 00:03:50,203
Think about it.
There's a bit of reverse cowgirl going on.
59
00:03:50,203 --> 00:03:52,243
We're thinking, "Her ass looks amazing."
60
00:03:52,243 --> 00:03:55,163
She's thinking,
"He needs to clip his toenails."
61
00:03:58,603 --> 00:04:00,843
It's not as erotically charged, is it?
62
00:04:01,603 --> 00:04:03,523
Do any couples in here
watch porn together?
63
00:04:03,523 --> 00:04:05,843
- Who watches porn as a couple?
Yeah.
64
00:04:05,843 --> 00:04:07,043
One bloke on his own.
65
00:04:12,363 --> 00:04:13,363
Are you...
66
00:04:14,043 --> 00:04:15,883
You're watching enough for two, are you?
67
00:04:19,203 --> 00:04:21,403
We tried--
We tried watching porn as a couple,
68
00:04:21,403 --> 00:04:24,043
but it didn't work for us at all.
Very different tastes.
69
00:04:24,043 --> 00:04:26,963
She likes stuff with proper narrative
and characterization.
70
00:04:26,963 --> 00:04:28,443
I like stuff with animals.
71
00:04:32,883 --> 00:04:35,203
I was watching Gaping Anuses 3...
72
00:04:36,923 --> 00:04:38,203
Planet of the Gapes.
73
00:04:40,403 --> 00:04:41,643
And sure, I enjoyed it,
74
00:04:41,643 --> 00:04:43,643
but there were some pretty big holes
in the plot.
75
00:04:47,883 --> 00:04:50,683
This next joke
is sort of a canary in the mine.
76
00:04:50,683 --> 00:04:52,883
It's there to test the air.
77
00:04:52,883 --> 00:04:56,003
Your reaction to this joke tells me
an awful lot about you as an audience.
78
00:04:56,003 --> 00:04:57,323
Doesn't change anything.
79
00:04:57,323 --> 00:05:01,523
I'm gonna tell you the same jokes
this evening regardless of your reaction.
80
00:05:01,523 --> 00:05:04,603
It just tells me how much
you're gonna enjoy our time together.
81
00:05:04,603 --> 00:05:06,563
- Good luck.
82
00:05:08,283 --> 00:05:10,403
I was in a grocery store
a couple of weeks ago.
83
00:05:10,403 --> 00:05:11,443
They had a special on.
84
00:05:11,443 --> 00:05:13,003
He was collecting the carts.
85
00:05:19,003 --> 00:05:20,963
I think we're going
to be friends, aren't we?
86
00:05:28,003 --> 00:05:29,883
And no, no disrespect.
87
00:05:29,883 --> 00:05:32,403
One of my best friends
is a special needs teacher.
88
00:05:32,403 --> 00:05:34,083
Well, I say he's a special needs teacher.
89
00:05:34,083 --> 00:05:36,643
It's a totally normal school,
but it's in Norfolk, so, you know.
90
00:05:40,803 --> 00:05:43,323
- Is anyone in from Norfolk?
Yeah.
91
00:05:43,323 --> 00:05:45,203
Yeah.
- You're from Norfolk? Oh!
92
00:05:45,203 --> 00:05:47,643
- Yeah, that checks out.
93
00:05:48,203 --> 00:05:49,803
If you're not familiar, uh, Norfolk's--
94
00:05:49,803 --> 00:05:51,683
So, what are you working with
there, my friend?
95
00:05:51,683 --> 00:05:53,323
Just the one set of grandparents?
96
00:05:57,443 --> 00:05:59,643
Family tree like a fucking broom handle.
97
00:06:04,283 --> 00:06:06,683
You didn't meet the missus on Tinder,
did you?
98
00:06:06,683 --> 00:06:08,483
What was it, ancestry.com?
99
00:06:10,283 --> 00:06:12,083
That's giving you
the benefit of the doubt.
100
00:06:12,083 --> 00:06:13,963
It may well be "siblings with benefits."
101
00:06:16,203 --> 00:06:17,363
Too close to home?
102
00:06:20,083 --> 00:06:22,483
He'll be livid when he gets those jokes.
103
00:06:32,603 --> 00:06:35,443
My girlfriend snores quite a lot.
Has anyone else got that problem?
104
00:06:35,443 --> 00:06:36,363
Yes.
105
00:06:36,363 --> 00:06:38,443
Yeah, my girlfriend snores quite a lot,
but luckily,
106
00:06:38,443 --> 00:06:41,003
I've got these noise-cancelling fists.
107
00:06:48,523 --> 00:06:50,483
Is anyone here
in a controlling relationship?
108
00:06:50,483 --> 00:06:52,003
Raise your partner's hand.
109
00:06:59,163 --> 00:07:01,563
I'm no good with ages,
especially with young women.
110
00:07:01,563 --> 00:07:04,603
They could be mid-20s.
They could be 15. You just don't know.
111
00:07:06,483 --> 00:07:07,523
Well, there's a story.
112
00:07:07,523 --> 00:07:10,403
So I was in Covent Garden,
very touristy bit of London.
113
00:07:10,403 --> 00:07:14,163
I'm sat on the Piazza there,
having a cup of tea, minding my business.
114
00:07:14,163 --> 00:07:18,603
This beautiful, willowy-looking girl
walks in, sits opposite me,
115
00:07:18,603 --> 00:07:20,363
and just keeps on looking over.
116
00:07:20,363 --> 00:07:23,843
Tons of eye contact,
very flirty, and very obvious about it.
117
00:07:23,843 --> 00:07:26,083
Now, that sort of thing
does not happen to me very often,
118
00:07:26,083 --> 00:07:27,523
so I was incredibly flattered,
119
00:07:27,523 --> 00:07:29,083
but I couldn't tell how old she was,
120
00:07:29,083 --> 00:07:31,443
and I thought,
"Well, I'm not taking a chance."
121
00:07:31,963 --> 00:07:32,803
So I asked.
122
00:07:34,363 --> 00:07:37,483
I just straight-up asked. I said,
"Excuse me, do you mind me asking,
123
00:07:37,483 --> 00:07:38,643
how old are you?"
124
00:07:39,203 --> 00:07:40,363
She said, "I'm 23."
125
00:07:41,283 --> 00:07:43,243
I said, "I'm sorry for wasting your time."
126
00:07:53,643 --> 00:07:56,123
Ah, it's just a joke,
as far as any of you can prove.
127
00:07:59,563 --> 00:08:01,763
Last year, I lost my father to dementia.
128
00:08:01,763 --> 00:08:04,643
I guess we could've stuck around
to look for him for longer, but fuck it.
129
00:08:10,963 --> 00:08:13,643
The great thing about that,
anyone offended won't remember.
130
00:08:16,003 --> 00:08:18,523
I've written a two-word joke,
and I'm quite pleased with this
131
00:08:18,523 --> 00:08:21,483
'cause I've written a joke
for an unsung group within our society,
132
00:08:21,483 --> 00:08:24,443
a group that I don't think
gets the respect that they deserve.
133
00:08:24,443 --> 00:08:26,883
- Stepdads. We got any stepdads in?
134
00:08:26,883 --> 00:08:29,163
Oh, you're a stepdad here?
What's your name, my friend?
135
00:08:29,163 --> 00:08:31,363
- Daniel.
- Daniel. I've written you a joke, Daniel.
136
00:08:31,363 --> 00:08:33,683
Won't take long. It's only two words.
137
00:08:33,683 --> 00:08:36,163
Stepdads... motherfuckers.
138
00:08:39,563 --> 00:08:40,643
Easy.
139
00:08:41,683 --> 00:08:42,723
And Daniel...
140
00:08:45,083 --> 00:08:48,083
no one is telling you how to parent.
I'm sure you do a terrific job as-is.
141
00:08:48,083 --> 00:08:50,203
All I would say is,
the next time you see the kids,
142
00:08:50,203 --> 00:08:51,723
could be as soon as tomorrow morning,
143
00:08:51,723 --> 00:08:53,563
you, you know, point out
the obvious to them.
144
00:08:53,563 --> 00:08:56,843
You say, "Look, kids, 'stepdad'
is an inherently disrespectful term."
145
00:08:56,843 --> 00:08:58,923
"From here on in, 'motherfucker.'"
146
00:09:01,043 --> 00:09:02,363
"Now, finish your Cocoa Puffs."
147
00:09:02,363 --> 00:09:04,483
"I'm just gonna nip upstairs
and fuck your mum."
148
00:09:08,123 --> 00:09:10,043
Is this the MILF in question?
149
00:09:12,843 --> 00:09:15,883
Very nice. Came with a bit of baggage,
you couldn't give a fuck. Good on you.
150
00:09:19,683 --> 00:09:21,203
How many socks have you got, Daniel?
151
00:09:23,363 --> 00:09:25,403
Are you not familiar with the term? Socks.
152
00:09:25,403 --> 00:09:27,523
Some Other Cunt's Kids.
153
00:09:44,083 --> 00:09:46,203
Climate change. Let's talk about it.
154
00:09:47,243 --> 00:09:48,763
Climate change is like my niece.
155
00:09:48,763 --> 00:09:50,523
It's getting hotter every year.
156
00:09:54,163 --> 00:09:56,603
It's not as bad as you think.
She'll be six next month.
157
00:10:00,123 --> 00:10:02,723
I don't even like the term "niece."
I prefer to say, "NILF."
158
00:10:11,283 --> 00:10:14,083
My girlfriend is vegan. Sorry,
don't know why I'm telling you that.
159
00:10:14,083 --> 00:10:15,803
I assume she's already told you.
160
00:10:18,563 --> 00:10:20,523
Are there any vegans here?
Got vegans in the house?
161
00:10:20,523 --> 00:10:21,963
Hey!
- One over there.
162
00:10:21,963 --> 00:10:24,483
- What's your name, my vegan friend?
- Erica.
163
00:10:24,483 --> 00:10:26,203
Erica? Very nice to have you here, Erica.
164
00:10:26,203 --> 00:10:28,323
I'm not-- I'm not gonna make jokes
about vegan food.
165
00:10:28,323 --> 00:10:29,883
I think it would be tasteless.
166
00:10:32,603 --> 00:10:35,163
But I've got a question for you, Erica,
'cause my partner is vegan.
167
00:10:35,163 --> 00:10:37,483
She had a question about veganism.
Maybe you could help.
168
00:10:37,483 --> 00:10:40,323
Uh, she wants to know
is semen okay for vegans?
169
00:10:41,643 --> 00:10:44,803
Because if it isn't,
she's gotta stop having tennis lessons.
170
00:10:48,563 --> 00:10:50,643
- What do you think, Erica?
- I love semen!
171
00:10:51,163 --> 00:10:52,883
- Well...
172
00:10:58,403 --> 00:11:00,763
Fair enough.
Probably the only protein you're getting.
173
00:11:00,763 --> 00:11:02,843
{\an8}
174
00:11:05,043 --> 00:11:07,683
It's a great answer, Erica.
It's a great answer.
175
00:11:07,683 --> 00:11:09,323
Not the best answer I've ever had.
176
00:11:09,323 --> 00:11:12,923
Best answer I ever had, Erica,
I was doing a gig in London,
177
00:11:12,923 --> 00:11:15,203
and this lady in the front row was vegan.
178
00:11:15,203 --> 00:11:18,483
I said, "Is semen okay for vegans?"
And she went, "Human semen?"
179
00:11:21,123 --> 00:11:22,643
What the fuck?
180
00:11:23,323 --> 00:11:25,163
How would you even get to that?
181
00:11:26,003 --> 00:11:29,563
I know vegans are meant to love animals,
but sounds like she really loves animals.
182
00:11:32,483 --> 00:11:35,003
Knife crime. Huge problem in the UK.
183
00:11:35,003 --> 00:11:37,963
What can be done?
Well, simple solution. Guns.
184
00:11:39,683 --> 00:11:42,083
Right, there's no knife crime
in America, is there?
185
00:11:47,723 --> 00:11:50,003
Have we got any Americans in?
Any Americans?
186
00:11:50,003 --> 00:11:51,403
- A few over there.
187
00:11:51,403 --> 00:11:53,043
- What's your name, sir?
Ken.
188
00:11:53,043 --> 00:11:54,683
Ken? Of course it is.
189
00:11:57,923 --> 00:11:59,123
Totally smooth, is it?
190
00:12:02,083 --> 00:12:02,963
Good on you, Ken.
191
00:12:02,963 --> 00:12:07,603
The Americans and the British, we're--
we're divided by a common language.
192
00:12:07,603 --> 00:12:10,323
Right? So-- So we would say, "Trousers"
in Great Britain.
193
00:12:10,323 --> 00:12:11,643
Americans would say, "Pants."
194
00:12:11,643 --> 00:12:14,563
We say, "Pavement."
The Americans would say, "Sidewalk."
195
00:12:14,563 --> 00:12:15,963
We'd say, "Unarmed, don't shoot!"
196
00:12:15,963 --> 00:12:17,683
They would say, "Oops."
197
00:12:22,683 --> 00:12:24,323
I can see there's two sides
198
00:12:24,323 --> 00:12:26,203
to the gun debate in America.
Course there are.
199
00:12:26,203 --> 00:12:29,243
There's two sides to the gun debate.
Some Americans have legitimate reasons
200
00:12:29,243 --> 00:12:31,803
for wanting to own AR-15 assault rifles.
201
00:12:32,443 --> 00:12:35,683
Like, what if you want to murder
a lot of children in a hurry?
202
00:12:42,203 --> 00:12:46,563
So in America, the Supreme Court
is stopping women from aborting fetuses.
203
00:12:46,563 --> 00:12:49,003
They don't feel, they haven't got hearts,
they're brainless,
204
00:12:49,003 --> 00:12:51,683
yet somehow,
the Supreme Court are in charge.
205
00:13:01,563 --> 00:13:05,243
When my girlfriend got pregnant,
sure, I thought about all the options.
206
00:13:05,243 --> 00:13:07,963
"Should I, you know,
take care of the problem?"
207
00:13:08,643 --> 00:13:11,883
But then I thought,
"Could I really take a human life?"
208
00:13:11,883 --> 00:13:14,163
Well, two, if you count the fetus.
209
00:13:19,283 --> 00:13:21,403
Abortion. Let's talk about it, everyone.
210
00:13:22,283 --> 00:13:25,283
Well, I think we'd spend a lot more time
talking about, thinking about,
211
00:13:25,283 --> 00:13:29,403
debating abortion
if we all knew how close we had come.
212
00:13:33,203 --> 00:13:35,643
Well, let's do a social experiment
in the theater this evening.
213
00:13:35,643 --> 00:13:38,883
Give me one of those little
ripply applause if and only if
214
00:13:38,883 --> 00:13:43,403
your parents were under the age of 20
when they had you.
215
00:13:43,403 --> 00:13:45,643
- Where are you?
216
00:13:45,643 --> 00:13:47,123
Okay, so anyone applauding,
217
00:13:47,123 --> 00:13:50,043
you need to know there was a conversation.
218
00:13:52,803 --> 00:13:56,283
And that conversation didn't go Dad's way.
219
00:14:02,083 --> 00:14:03,283
All right.
220
00:14:03,283 --> 00:14:06,083
Give me one of those
if you're the youngest of four.
221
00:14:08,003 --> 00:14:10,443
Well, you need to know
there was a conversation.
222
00:14:11,403 --> 00:14:14,123
And that conversation didn't go Dad's way.
223
00:14:16,283 --> 00:14:19,283
All right, give me one of those
if you have a ginger-haired mum.
224
00:14:26,443 --> 00:14:28,123
Far fewer of those.
225
00:14:35,883 --> 00:14:39,243
And that's 'cause sometimes,
dads really put their fucking foot down.
226
00:14:48,003 --> 00:14:50,283
Are there any anti-vaxxers in?
Is anyone here anti-vax?
227
00:14:51,203 --> 00:14:54,123
One person over there. Fair enough.
A lot of you didn't make it.
228
00:14:57,123 --> 00:14:59,083
- What's your name, my friend?
Rico.
229
00:14:59,083 --> 00:15:00,403
- Rico.
- Yeah.
230
00:15:00,963 --> 00:15:01,803
Sure.
231
00:15:01,803 --> 00:15:04,603
- Let's go with that, Rico.
232
00:15:04,603 --> 00:15:07,203
Here's what I think we should do.
You're entitled to your opinion.
233
00:15:07,203 --> 00:15:10,403
Course you are! What I think we should do,
we should have an opt-in, opt-out
234
00:15:10,403 --> 00:15:12,923
on the whole of Western medicine.
235
00:15:12,923 --> 00:15:15,763
Opt-in, opt-out.
So you're either with us, or you're not.
236
00:15:15,763 --> 00:15:19,523
So no COVID vaccine? No problem, Rico.
Good luck with the polio.
237
00:15:21,803 --> 00:15:24,923
Let's see how far you get
on your little Kermit legs.
238
00:15:32,203 --> 00:15:33,163
Right.
239
00:15:35,523 --> 00:15:37,203
I feel pretty confident making that joke,
240
00:15:37,203 --> 00:15:39,963
because no cunt
is getting polio these days.
241
00:15:41,283 --> 00:15:42,963
Do you know why, Rico?
242
00:15:50,763 --> 00:15:52,643
Oh.
243
00:15:52,643 --> 00:15:54,923
The anti-vax people online
won't like that.
244
00:15:55,963 --> 00:15:59,123
Course they're not gonna take the vaccine.
They can't even take a fucking joke.
245
00:16:06,883 --> 00:16:09,123
This next joke might get me canceled.
246
00:16:10,203 --> 00:16:11,243
Come on.
247
00:16:12,443 --> 00:16:14,963
Transgender people
aren't what they used to be.
248
00:16:21,723 --> 00:16:25,163
And really, there's two issues.
There's trans, and there's non-binary.
249
00:16:25,163 --> 00:16:28,923
And they often get conflated in our media,
but they're very separate issues.
250
00:16:28,923 --> 00:16:32,203
Trans and non-binary. So non-binary,
that's the one with the pronouns.
251
00:16:32,203 --> 00:16:34,723
So there's now more pronouns
than there ever used to be.
252
00:16:34,723 --> 00:16:36,083
There's now ten pronouns.
253
00:16:36,083 --> 00:16:38,323
I'll quickly go through it
so we're all on the same page.
254
00:16:38,323 --> 00:16:42,403
The ten pronouns are he, she, they, them,
255
00:16:42,403 --> 00:16:44,563
it, oh, gross, what, is, that?
256
00:16:54,323 --> 00:16:57,723
And I'm very onboard. I will call you
what you want to be called.
257
00:16:57,723 --> 00:17:01,003
I will treat you with respect always.
258
00:17:01,003 --> 00:17:01,923
But...
259
00:17:03,163 --> 00:17:05,043
...I'm also gonna make jokes about it.
260
00:17:06,163 --> 00:17:08,483
My pronouns are "he he he"...
261
00:17:12,043 --> 00:17:14,243
...because I identify
as a comedian.
262
00:17:24,363 --> 00:17:26,403
Here's a question
just for the ladies in the room.
263
00:17:26,403 --> 00:17:29,123
Who teaches you the towel thing?
264
00:17:30,443 --> 00:17:32,123
Oh, you know what I'm talking about.
265
00:17:32,123 --> 00:17:35,563
Every woman in this room
has an ability no man on Earth possesses.
266
00:17:35,563 --> 00:17:39,963
Every woman in here has the ability
to make a perfect turban from a towel.
267
00:17:42,283 --> 00:17:43,723
Any towel, any bathroom.
268
00:17:43,723 --> 00:17:47,323
I've traveled the world,
and it's the same toweling origami design
269
00:17:47,323 --> 00:17:49,003
wherever you roam.
270
00:17:49,003 --> 00:17:52,083
It's quite the feat of engineering.
It's up in seconds.
271
00:17:53,443 --> 00:17:55,083
It's there for the day if you want it.
272
00:17:56,203 --> 00:17:59,083
Now, no man has ever
even attempted such a thing.
273
00:17:59,843 --> 00:18:02,523
Well, that simple observation
on gender difference,
274
00:18:02,523 --> 00:18:06,363
that, my friends, is how we're going
to sort the whole trans debate.
275
00:18:06,363 --> 00:18:07,403
You're welcome.
276
00:18:09,403 --> 00:18:12,923
So if you have gender dysphoria,
we're gonna pop you in a shower.
277
00:18:14,763 --> 00:18:17,043
When you come out,
we're gonna throw you a towel.
278
00:18:17,923 --> 00:18:19,283
We're gonna see how you do.
279
00:18:20,523 --> 00:18:22,323
If you make a perfect turban,
280
00:18:23,203 --> 00:18:25,163
the ladies' changing room is this way.
281
00:18:28,283 --> 00:18:30,043
If you floss yourself...
282
00:18:35,363 --> 00:18:37,363
...we have a few more questions.
283
00:18:39,083 --> 00:18:43,043
Obviously, I'm not being transphobic,
because trans women are women.
284
00:18:43,043 --> 00:18:45,363
So, if anything, old-fashioned misogyny.
285
00:18:52,683 --> 00:18:53,843
I'm gonna tell you a fact now.
286
00:18:53,843 --> 00:18:56,643
It is mind-blowingly stupid,
but it's true.
287
00:18:56,643 --> 00:18:59,523
Most of my gay friends knew this.
None of my straight friends knew.
288
00:18:59,523 --> 00:19:03,003
Okay, until 1979, globally,
289
00:19:03,003 --> 00:19:07,123
homosexuality was classified
as a mental illness.
290
00:19:07,763 --> 00:19:10,723
An illness!
Does that mean you could phone in sick?
291
00:19:13,763 --> 00:19:17,603
"Sorry, boss. No, I can't come in today.
No, no, nothing like that. No."
292
00:19:17,603 --> 00:19:19,963
"No, I can't stop thinking
about dicks and balls and bums."
293
00:19:24,603 --> 00:19:27,243
"Nah, it's probably just a 24-hour thing.
Yeah, I'll-- No."
294
00:19:28,923 --> 00:19:30,283
"No, I'll walk it off."
295
00:19:32,483 --> 00:19:34,203
"Yep, yep, in the park. Yeah."
296
00:19:38,363 --> 00:19:40,643
They say one man in ten is gay,
297
00:19:40,643 --> 00:19:43,443
but surely one man in just one man
is pretty gay.
298
00:19:46,883 --> 00:19:48,963
One man in ten is showboating.
299
00:19:51,883 --> 00:19:55,843
I don't like having sex outdoors,
but that is where women walk at night.
300
00:20:01,323 --> 00:20:03,843
I used to share a house with a woman
301
00:20:03,843 --> 00:20:07,923
who swore a ghost
was having sex with her in her dreams.
302
00:20:08,443 --> 00:20:10,883
I thought, "Jesus Christ!"
303
00:20:10,883 --> 00:20:13,563
"From now on,
I gotta mash two pills into her food."
304
00:20:19,363 --> 00:20:21,923
Only 15% of rapes are ever reported,
305
00:20:21,923 --> 00:20:24,763
and only 2% of those
ever lead to a conviction.
306
00:20:24,763 --> 00:20:28,043
Now, I'm not advocating rape,
but I like those odds.
307
00:20:30,323 --> 00:20:33,723
All I'm saying is if rape was a horse,
you'd have a bet on it.
308
00:20:36,883 --> 00:20:38,803
Do you want to hear my rape fantasy?
309
00:20:39,643 --> 00:20:40,483
Yeah!
310
00:20:40,483 --> 00:20:42,523
Someone goes to jail for rape.
311
00:20:48,443 --> 00:20:50,963
It's-- I mean,
those are very clearly jokes about rape,
312
00:20:50,963 --> 00:20:54,923
but we don't take rape serious enough
as a society, as a culture.
313
00:20:54,923 --> 00:20:56,763
And I can prove it. It's in our language.
314
00:20:56,763 --> 00:20:59,483
We've still got the phrase "date rape."
315
00:20:59,483 --> 00:21:01,643
We shouldn't be
calling anything "date rape."
316
00:21:01,643 --> 00:21:04,083
And we should be calling
date rape, "rape."
317
00:21:04,083 --> 00:21:05,923
That's what fucking happened.
318
00:21:13,283 --> 00:21:16,923
I tell you, we wouldn't stand for it
if the vast majority of rapes
319
00:21:16,923 --> 00:21:18,843
happened to men, right?
320
00:21:18,843 --> 00:21:22,243
No other crime comes with a qualifier.
You've never had this conversation...
321
00:21:22,243 --> 00:21:25,083
"Did you hear about Steve?"
"What happened to Steve?"
322
00:21:25,083 --> 00:21:26,763
"He got circus murdered."
323
00:21:28,763 --> 00:21:30,083
"Sorry, Steve got murdered?"
324
00:21:30,083 --> 00:21:32,563
"Well, no.
He had a lovely day at the circus,
325
00:21:32,563 --> 00:21:35,963
and then he was murdered.
So, you know... circus murdered."
326
00:21:38,003 --> 00:21:39,603
You can hear it now.
327
00:21:40,523 --> 00:21:42,443
"Date rape," my ass.
328
00:21:46,203 --> 00:21:47,323
Obviously, don't.
329
00:21:50,763 --> 00:21:52,963
Well, so far, we've covered rape,
pornography,
330
00:21:52,963 --> 00:21:56,483
child abuse, domestic violence, abortion,
murder, gun control, and trans issues.
331
00:21:56,483 --> 00:21:58,363
We're right on schedule, everyone.
332
00:21:58,363 --> 00:22:00,603
- Yay.
333
00:22:04,363 --> 00:22:07,723
Obviously, telling jokes with that kind
of subject matter, I'm gonna get canceled.
334
00:22:07,723 --> 00:22:08,963
That's the bad news.
335
00:22:08,963 --> 00:22:11,123
The good news is I'm going down swinging.
336
00:22:13,683 --> 00:22:16,003
You hear some horror stories
about cancel culture.
337
00:22:16,003 --> 00:22:18,203
I heard a story
about a woman in London last year.
338
00:22:18,203 --> 00:22:21,643
She got canceled. Lost her job,
lost friends, lost status.
339
00:22:21,643 --> 00:22:23,683
Right? Canceled. And she was a good woman.
340
00:22:23,683 --> 00:22:26,243
She worked for a charity
that helps the learning disabled,
341
00:22:26,243 --> 00:22:28,963
and she got canceled over a typo.
342
00:22:28,963 --> 00:22:31,003
Can you believe that? A typo.
343
00:22:31,003 --> 00:22:34,163
You know how the G and the T are
right next to each other on the keyboard?
344
00:22:34,163 --> 00:22:35,403
Easy enough mistake to make.
345
00:22:35,403 --> 00:22:37,443
The G and the T
are right there next to each other.
346
00:22:37,443 --> 00:22:38,963
Well, what she wanted to write
347
00:22:38,963 --> 00:22:42,203
at the end of the letter
to the charity supporters was,
348
00:22:42,203 --> 00:22:43,963
"Kind regards."
349
00:22:55,563 --> 00:22:57,203
Now if you've not got that yet...
350
00:22:58,443 --> 00:23:01,803
...the charity she was working for
was helping people like you.
351
00:23:09,843 --> 00:23:12,043
This woke nonsense,
it's gone too far, hasn't it?
352
00:23:12,043 --> 00:23:15,723
When's it gonna stop?
We've even got a male queen now.
353
00:23:20,683 --> 00:23:23,563
The last time I got canceled,
I upset the gypsies.
354
00:23:23,563 --> 00:23:25,243
Thankfully, they've moved on.
355
00:23:28,923 --> 00:23:31,283
You can't go around apologizing for jokes.
356
00:23:31,283 --> 00:23:32,563
They're jokes.
357
00:23:32,563 --> 00:23:33,683
So I've got a plan.
358
00:23:33,683 --> 00:23:37,243
The next time I get canceled over a joke,
the next time I upset people with a joke,
359
00:23:37,243 --> 00:23:40,043
I'm going to come out
on the day of the cancellation,
360
00:23:40,043 --> 00:23:42,043
I'm going to make a statement,
a public statement.
361
00:23:42,043 --> 00:23:44,123
I'm going to say,
I've rehearsed this, I'm gonna say...
362
00:23:45,083 --> 00:23:46,843
"I'm sorry."
363
00:23:48,643 --> 00:23:50,483
And the people
that I've offended will say,
364
00:23:50,483 --> 00:23:52,643
"You don't really mean that apology."
365
00:23:52,643 --> 00:23:56,123
And I'll say, "So you're saying
I could say something and not mean it."
366
00:23:56,123 --> 00:23:57,483
"Now you're getting it."
367
00:24:07,083 --> 00:24:09,603
Of course, sometimes in life,
and you'll all know this,
368
00:24:09,603 --> 00:24:12,723
sometimes in life, you find yourself
having to make an apology,
369
00:24:12,723 --> 00:24:16,003
but what you really want to say
is, "Fuck you."
370
00:24:17,803 --> 00:24:19,643
And there's a phrase for that.
371
00:24:20,283 --> 00:24:21,883
"I'm sorry you feel that way."
372
00:24:24,763 --> 00:24:25,843
It's an amazing expression.
373
00:24:25,843 --> 00:24:29,563
"I'm sorry you feel that way"
has got all the "fuck you" attitude.
374
00:24:29,563 --> 00:24:32,603
You know what you mean.
They know what you mean.
375
00:24:33,563 --> 00:24:35,083
They can't touch you for it.
376
00:24:35,803 --> 00:24:37,603
"I'm sorry you feel that way."
377
00:24:41,203 --> 00:24:44,403
The English language is good like that.
It's very nuanced, the English language.
378
00:24:44,403 --> 00:24:45,923
Like "good luck" is a great example.
379
00:24:45,923 --> 00:24:48,523
"Good luck" is a nice thing
to say to anyone, isn't it? Good luck.
380
00:24:48,523 --> 00:24:51,363
But add the words "with that."
381
00:24:53,883 --> 00:24:56,083
Suddenly, a very different meaning.
382
00:24:56,923 --> 00:24:59,723
"Good luck with that." Ah,
you might as well have shat in their oven.
383
00:25:02,683 --> 00:25:05,003
And jokes-- To me, jokes are like magnets.
384
00:25:05,003 --> 00:25:07,883
They attract some people, great to see you
out this evening for a laugh,
385
00:25:07,883 --> 00:25:10,443
but like magnets,
they attract and they repel.
386
00:25:10,443 --> 00:25:12,763
Some people are repelled by my jokes,
387
00:25:12,763 --> 00:25:16,323
and they're sat at home now,
online, trying to get me canceled.
388
00:25:16,323 --> 00:25:19,483
And to those people I say,
"I'm sorry you feel that way."
389
00:25:20,483 --> 00:25:21,803
"Good luck with that."
390
00:25:29,483 --> 00:25:32,443
Okay, well, I feel warmed up.
Shall we try some controversial jokes?
391
00:25:32,443 --> 00:25:34,243
Yeah!
392
00:25:34,243 --> 00:25:36,363
- I'm serious.
393
00:25:36,363 --> 00:25:37,843
Let's take it up a notch.
394
00:25:37,843 --> 00:25:39,883
I'll tell you
who I think's gonna get canceled.
395
00:25:39,883 --> 00:25:42,043
'Cause they fucked a kid
and then they talked about it.
396
00:25:42,043 --> 00:25:44,563
Hundred percent,
God is gonna get canceled.
397
00:25:46,443 --> 00:25:48,043
Strap in. This is happening.
398
00:25:50,043 --> 00:25:53,243
Well, Mary was 14
when the Holy Ghost "came upon her."
399
00:25:55,243 --> 00:25:58,243
They say "came upon her,"
but some of it went in. Come on.
400
00:26:02,723 --> 00:26:03,643
"The Holy Ghost."
401
00:26:03,643 --> 00:26:06,803
I think the "holy" in question
was Mary's vajayjay, wasn't it?
402
00:26:08,643 --> 00:26:10,323
So the Holy Spirit fucked Mary,
403
00:26:10,323 --> 00:26:12,603
Mary never heard
from the Holy Spirit again.
404
00:26:13,443 --> 00:26:15,083
Talk about getting ghosted.
405
00:26:20,683 --> 00:26:24,643
Do you think when Mary,
mother of God, was fucking Joseph...
406
00:26:24,643 --> 00:26:26,723
Your favorite, Daniel.
The original motherfucker.
407
00:26:31,523 --> 00:26:33,883
You never think of Jesus as a sock,
but he was.
408
00:26:39,243 --> 00:26:41,163
Do you think when Mary...
409
00:26:41,163 --> 00:26:43,243
...was fucking Joseph
and Joseph made Mary come,
410
00:26:43,243 --> 00:26:45,003
Mary shouted, "God!"
411
00:26:46,323 --> 00:26:48,243
Awkward. That's her ex.
412
00:26:50,683 --> 00:26:52,923
Well, what was the alternative,
"Jesus Christ"?
413
00:26:54,283 --> 00:26:56,843
He's in the next room
thinking, "Shut up, Mum!"
414
00:27:00,123 --> 00:27:03,243
Someone came up to me after a show,
like, very earnestly, and went,
415
00:27:03,763 --> 00:27:05,883
"Jesus died for your sins."
416
00:27:07,403 --> 00:27:11,043
I thought, "Oh, great, so now I've killed
the son of God and two prostitutes."
417
00:27:16,123 --> 00:27:19,043
All right, let's class this up, shall we?
Let's class up this gig.
418
00:27:20,283 --> 00:27:24,043
When Michelangelo
was commissioned by the Vatican
419
00:27:24,043 --> 00:27:26,203
to paint The Creation of Adam,
420
00:27:26,203 --> 00:27:27,963
he really knew his audience,
421
00:27:27,963 --> 00:27:31,243
and that's why he gave Adam
a child's penis.
422
00:27:42,163 --> 00:27:43,963
You all know the story
of Adam and Eve, right?
423
00:27:44,683 --> 00:27:48,843
So God took one of Adam's ribs
in order to make Eve,
424
00:27:48,843 --> 00:27:50,803
but God had taken one of Adam's ribs,
425
00:27:50,803 --> 00:27:52,803
so, suddenly, Adam didn't need Eve.
426
00:27:52,803 --> 00:27:54,243
He could suck his own cock.
427
00:27:58,963 --> 00:28:00,003
Silly old God.
428
00:28:02,283 --> 00:28:04,763
And look, I tell these jokes now.
I'm an atheist now.
429
00:28:04,763 --> 00:28:07,843
I wasn't always. I was raised Catholic,
used to go to church all the time.
430
00:28:07,843 --> 00:28:11,163
Late teens, early twenties,
I thought I might want to be a priest.
431
00:28:14,083 --> 00:28:17,163
But fundamentally, I've just
never found kids that attractive.
432
00:28:21,403 --> 00:28:24,083
For me, it's more a hobby.
I couldn't do it as a full-time job.
433
00:28:27,563 --> 00:28:30,443
Are there Christians in,
thinking, "That was all a bit much"?
434
00:28:30,963 --> 00:28:32,523
Don't worry. It's all made up.
435
00:28:40,643 --> 00:28:44,923
Now, we are a little bit tight for time,
so I probably can't do my Islamic bit.
436
00:28:47,123 --> 00:28:51,243
Do it!
437
00:28:52,603 --> 00:28:56,203
Well, obviously, I'm not going to be
telling the same jokes about Muhammad
438
00:28:56,203 --> 00:28:58,283
I'd feel very comfortable
telling about Jesus Christ,
439
00:28:58,283 --> 00:29:00,083
and that's because, fun fact,
440
00:29:00,083 --> 00:29:01,363
I'm not a fucking idiot.
441
00:29:04,403 --> 00:29:05,443
So if you're a Christian,
442
00:29:05,443 --> 00:29:08,083
and you're sat there thinking,
"That's not fair. He'll make jokes
443
00:29:08,083 --> 00:29:09,323
about Christians all day long,
444
00:29:09,323 --> 00:29:11,523
but he won't make
the same sort of jokes about Muslims,"
445
00:29:11,523 --> 00:29:13,763
well, then, maybe, as a Christian,
446
00:29:13,763 --> 00:29:16,563
you should think
about blowing something up.
447
00:29:19,843 --> 00:29:20,723
Hey?
448
00:29:23,563 --> 00:29:24,923
No one's scared of you.
449
00:29:26,763 --> 00:29:28,443
What are the Christians gonna do,
450
00:29:28,443 --> 00:29:29,443
forgive me?
451
00:29:36,563 --> 00:29:37,563
Here's my big news.
452
00:29:37,563 --> 00:29:41,003
Here's what's going on in my life,
uh, since I was last out. Um...
453
00:29:41,003 --> 00:29:43,443
I'm a father now. I had kids. I'm a dad.
454
00:29:43,443 --> 00:29:45,603
- Thank you.
455
00:29:45,603 --> 00:29:46,643
Very nice of you.
456
00:29:49,643 --> 00:29:53,243
Now a lot of famous people
give their kids unusual names
457
00:29:53,243 --> 00:29:55,163
and live to regret it.
458
00:29:55,163 --> 00:29:57,843
Some people consider my boy's name
to be somewhat unusual,
459
00:29:57,843 --> 00:29:59,323
but then they see his little face,
460
00:29:59,323 --> 00:30:01,803
and he does just look like an Adolf.
461
00:30:09,563 --> 00:30:11,563
We're having a gender reveal for our kid,
462
00:30:11,563 --> 00:30:13,963
but we're gonna wait until it's 21.
We want to be sure.
463
00:30:22,003 --> 00:30:23,563
They have gender reveal parties.
464
00:30:23,563 --> 00:30:25,483
You've all heard
of the gender reveal party.
465
00:30:25,483 --> 00:30:28,603
But you never hear
about a "Are we keeping it?" party.
466
00:30:30,083 --> 00:30:32,883
Eleven weeks into the pregnancy,
and you've baked a cake.
467
00:30:32,883 --> 00:30:35,523
Is it shaped like a baby
or a vacuum cleaner?
468
00:30:42,243 --> 00:30:44,323
I have two kids now.
Couldn't pick a favorite.
469
00:30:44,323 --> 00:30:45,963
Little Jimmy and the other one.
470
00:30:49,163 --> 00:30:51,043
Our boy cried all the time.
471
00:30:51,043 --> 00:30:53,083
We found the only thing
that calmed him down
472
00:30:53,083 --> 00:30:55,763
was to be in the car
with the engine running.
473
00:30:55,763 --> 00:30:57,843
Pro tip, open the garage door.
474
00:31:01,683 --> 00:31:02,963
Now, you don't have to,
475
00:31:02,963 --> 00:31:06,483
but if you don't open the garage door,
you run a very real risk of
476
00:31:06,483 --> 00:31:07,403
Rico.
477
00:31:12,763 --> 00:31:15,363
Bless you, Rico. Bless you.
478
00:31:17,923 --> 00:31:20,883
People that get freaked out
by breastfeeding in public,
479
00:31:20,883 --> 00:31:22,363
they can fuck off. I'm right?
480
00:31:22,363 --> 00:31:24,083
- Yeah.
481
00:31:24,083 --> 00:31:26,363
Sometimes Daddy gets thirsty.
482
00:31:32,883 --> 00:31:34,403
We've all tried it.
483
00:31:36,603 --> 00:31:37,643
Here's a strange thing.
484
00:31:37,643 --> 00:31:39,843
So whenever I visit friends
that have had a baby,
485
00:31:39,843 --> 00:31:43,003
they always tell me the same thing,
they always go, "The baby has a soft bit
486
00:31:43,003 --> 00:31:46,083
on the top of its head
where the skull is yet to fully form."
487
00:31:46,603 --> 00:31:48,123
Why are they telling me that?
488
00:31:48,123 --> 00:31:50,483
So I know the weak spot
if the baby attacks?
489
00:31:55,003 --> 00:31:58,683
What did they think I was going to do,
pick it up like a fucking bowling ball?
490
00:32:01,483 --> 00:32:03,003
"Where do you want this baby?"
491
00:32:07,483 --> 00:32:09,883
My girlfriend wants me
to have my sperm frozen
492
00:32:09,883 --> 00:32:13,523
just in case she ever wants to have,
you know, a come-flavored popsicle.
493
00:32:21,483 --> 00:32:24,683
The first few weeks after the birth
of the child can be incredibly tough,
494
00:32:24,683 --> 00:32:27,923
so pro tip, to avoid postnatal depression,
495
00:32:28,403 --> 00:32:30,323
try not to see your wife naked.
496
00:32:35,283 --> 00:32:37,803
Yeah, I shouldn't have said it,
but I'm not wrong.
497
00:32:40,363 --> 00:32:42,643
Have we got mums in?
Where are the mums? Give us a shout.
498
00:32:43,763 --> 00:32:45,763
Loads of mums. We got any single mums?
499
00:32:46,843 --> 00:32:50,203
- Okay, let's hear from all the mums again.
500
00:32:50,203 --> 00:32:51,563
You're all single mums.
501
00:32:53,323 --> 00:32:56,163
All mums are single mums.
That's my theory.
502
00:32:56,163 --> 00:32:58,043
It's the hardest job in the world,
being a mum.
503
00:32:58,043 --> 00:33:01,523
It's a 24/7, 365,
never-ending task, being a mum,
504
00:33:01,523 --> 00:33:05,243
and to your credit, ladies,
you're all doing it on your own.
505
00:33:06,003 --> 00:33:08,243
- Yeah.
506
00:33:09,643 --> 00:33:14,163
Sure, sure, some of you
have got dads... there.
507
00:33:15,883 --> 00:33:20,483
But, really, stop and think about it.
What are dads actually doing?
508
00:33:20,483 --> 00:33:23,483
- Dads are, at best,
509
00:33:23,483 --> 00:33:25,763
babysitting their own children...
510
00:33:27,363 --> 00:33:29,123
...until Mum gets back.
511
00:33:36,243 --> 00:33:39,683
And I realize that is disrespectful
to stay-at-home dads,
512
00:33:39,683 --> 00:33:42,603
but, seriously,
what are those pussies gonna do?
513
00:33:47,083 --> 00:33:48,843
Have we got any stay-at-home dads in?
514
00:33:48,843 --> 00:33:50,363
'Course not! They're at home.
515
00:33:53,363 --> 00:33:57,523
Look, my point is parents are judged
by vastly different metrics, even today.
516
00:33:57,523 --> 00:33:58,883
It's crazy, but it's true.
517
00:33:58,883 --> 00:34:00,883
To be considered a good mum,
what do you gotta be?
518
00:34:00,883 --> 00:34:04,763
Loving, nurturing, kind,
attentive, always on-call, right?
519
00:34:04,763 --> 00:34:06,643
Not easy to be considered a good mum.
520
00:34:06,643 --> 00:34:10,243
To be considered a good dad,
you just gotta not fuck off.
521
00:34:13,163 --> 00:34:14,603
You've all had that conversation.
522
00:34:14,603 --> 00:34:16,723
"He's a good dad." "What do you mean?"
523
00:34:16,723 --> 00:34:17,763
"He's still there."
524
00:34:22,963 --> 00:34:27,483
That mug that says "World's Best Dad"
should just read, "Still Here."
525
00:34:29,083 --> 00:34:30,603
"Too Lazy To Leave."
526
00:34:36,843 --> 00:34:40,163
Being a dad is amazing.
You-- You should try it, ladies.
527
00:34:42,683 --> 00:34:45,323
It's like being a mum
with none of the responsibility.
528
00:34:46,363 --> 00:34:49,843
Being a mum is a full-time job.
Being a dad is a lovely hobby.
529
00:34:51,843 --> 00:34:54,203
Look, I'll pitch you ladies being a dad.
530
00:34:54,203 --> 00:34:58,883
Being a dad, it's like being royalty
within your own home.
531
00:35:00,203 --> 00:35:03,683
I get wheeled out
for big occasions and photo opportunities.
532
00:35:04,923 --> 00:35:07,483
"Oh, hello, you must be my child.
Very nice to see you."
533
00:35:08,683 --> 00:35:10,443
"And this is your sister, is it?"
534
00:35:12,083 --> 00:35:14,923
"It's another child of mine?
Charmed, I'm sure."
535
00:35:16,363 --> 00:35:18,763
Snap, snap, family photo, and off I fuck.
536
00:35:19,843 --> 00:35:21,843
Cutting a ribbon,
cutting an umbilical cord,
537
00:35:21,843 --> 00:35:24,243
it's the same skill set, isn't it?
I'm royalty!
538
00:35:25,163 --> 00:35:29,123
Being a dad is like being--
It's like being the co-pilot of the house.
539
00:35:29,123 --> 00:35:31,483
I take over when Mum takes a nap.
540
00:35:31,483 --> 00:35:35,163
But takeoff, landing,
heaven forfend there's turbulence...
541
00:35:35,163 --> 00:35:37,683
Basically, if shit gets real,
542
00:35:37,683 --> 00:35:40,843
it's my job to wake her up,
and try not to fuck the stewardess.
543
00:35:46,923 --> 00:35:48,803
Mums are like boxers.
544
00:35:48,803 --> 00:35:51,643
They're in the ring,
they're taking punches, they're bleeding.
545
00:35:51,643 --> 00:35:53,243
Mums are in the fight.
546
00:35:53,243 --> 00:35:56,003
Dads, we're more like cornermen.
547
00:35:57,003 --> 00:35:59,603
We're sat on a stool,
shouting encouragement.
548
00:36:00,363 --> 00:36:03,203
I'm squirting shit in her mouth.
She's spitting into a bucket.
549
00:36:05,403 --> 00:36:07,643
It's fine.
We've been together a long time.
550
00:36:07,643 --> 00:36:09,403
It's my job to throw in the towel.
551
00:36:09,403 --> 00:36:12,843
But first, I'm gonna have to ask her
where we keep the towels.
552
00:36:16,523 --> 00:36:18,803
Have we got any dads in?
Where are all the dads?
553
00:36:18,803 --> 00:36:20,523
- Loads of dads.
554
00:36:20,523 --> 00:36:22,883
You ever do this? You get asked
to do a job round the house,
555
00:36:22,883 --> 00:36:25,643
you don't like the sound of it,
so you do it really bad the first time
556
00:36:25,643 --> 00:36:26,843
so you never get asked again?
557
00:36:27,763 --> 00:36:31,283
Well, long story short, I didn't like
the sound of bathing the baby.
558
00:36:36,883 --> 00:36:38,883
Oh, well, I'll check on it
when I get back.
559
00:36:40,443 --> 00:36:42,643
That's one of those jobs
you don't even need to fuck up.
560
00:36:42,643 --> 00:36:44,923
You just need to suggest
you're going to fuck it up.
561
00:36:45,483 --> 00:36:49,003
"Bath the baby? Not a problem, love.
I'll just boil the kettle."
562
00:36:52,803 --> 00:36:54,443
I'll tell you what no one told me about,
563
00:36:54,443 --> 00:36:56,883
and we should all be talking
about this, Christmas.
564
00:36:56,883 --> 00:37:00,643
Christmas is incredible for dads,
because it's not just the kids
565
00:37:00,643 --> 00:37:02,723
that get a wonderful surprise
on Christmas morning
566
00:37:02,723 --> 00:37:04,603
when they tear open their gifts.
567
00:37:04,603 --> 00:37:07,843
Us dads are sat there thinking,
"Oh! I wonder what we got them."
568
00:37:14,483 --> 00:37:17,203
Dads might as well believe in Santa Claus.
569
00:37:17,883 --> 00:37:20,923
All we know for sure
is we were not involved.
570
00:37:22,923 --> 00:37:24,803
Sat there thinking...
571
00:37:24,803 --> 00:37:27,243
Sat there thinking,
"That looks expensive. Who got you that?"
572
00:37:30,203 --> 00:37:31,803
-"Did I?"
573
00:37:31,803 --> 00:37:33,643
"For fuck's sake, love."
574
00:37:34,883 --> 00:37:37,083
If you've ever thanked your father
for a Christmas gift,
575
00:37:37,083 --> 00:37:38,283
you're a fucking idiot.
576
00:37:41,163 --> 00:37:42,603
Here's what happened last week.
577
00:37:42,603 --> 00:37:45,683
My kid walked in on me having sex
and freaked out.
578
00:37:45,683 --> 00:37:48,963
He said, "Are you trying to hurt Mummy?"
I said, "Well, of course not."
579
00:37:48,963 --> 00:37:52,243
He said, "Well, then you better not
let her catch you fucking the nanny."
580
00:38:01,163 --> 00:38:03,203
Look, I was worried
about becoming a father
581
00:38:03,203 --> 00:38:05,723
because this is what I do for a living,
I tell edgy jokes.
582
00:38:05,723 --> 00:38:07,243
And I was worried, becoming a dad,
583
00:38:07,243 --> 00:38:10,083
I'd get all sentimental
and I would lose some of that edge.
584
00:38:10,083 --> 00:38:12,283
So I'm gonna tell you a story now,
true story.
585
00:38:12,283 --> 00:38:15,203
I don't tell many true stories on stage,
so please indulge me.
586
00:38:15,203 --> 00:38:17,563
Uh, this is from the day
I became a father.
587
00:38:17,563 --> 00:38:20,683
So if you've not had kids,
you might not know,
588
00:38:20,683 --> 00:38:22,483
you've got the go bag by the front door.
589
00:38:22,483 --> 00:38:24,923
It's everything you're gonna need
for the hospital in one bag.
590
00:38:24,923 --> 00:38:26,443
You got the babygrows, the nappies,
591
00:38:26,443 --> 00:38:28,243
the wash bag,
the nightie, the dressing gown.
592
00:38:28,243 --> 00:38:30,763
It's all in the go bag
so you're good to go when the time comes.
593
00:38:30,763 --> 00:38:34,083
Now, you pack it quite early
when it's your first kid.
594
00:38:34,083 --> 00:38:37,323
Seriously. My dick wasn't dry,
we had the go bag ready.
595
00:38:40,363 --> 00:38:43,163
And a good job too,
because 34 weeks into the pregnancy,
596
00:38:43,163 --> 00:38:45,203
we had a medical emergency.
597
00:38:45,203 --> 00:38:46,643
We got rushed to hospital,
598
00:38:46,643 --> 00:38:49,603
we had to have an emergency
Cesarean section at 34 weeks,
599
00:38:49,603 --> 00:38:50,963
which was gut-wrenching.
600
00:38:58,203 --> 00:39:01,083
Now, if you deliver at 34 weeks,
you find out very quickly as a parent,
601
00:39:01,083 --> 00:39:02,403
it's all about lung development.
602
00:39:02,403 --> 00:39:05,043
Are the baby's lungs gonna be
developed enough to breathe unaided,
603
00:39:05,043 --> 00:39:08,043
or is there going to have to be
a medical intervention, intubation,
604
00:39:08,043 --> 00:39:09,483
and all of the associated drama?
605
00:39:09,483 --> 00:39:12,683
Now, thankfully, my child's lungs
were developed enough
606
00:39:12,683 --> 00:39:15,523
that he could breathe unaided,
but he was very premature.
607
00:39:15,523 --> 00:39:18,723
So the average birth weight in the UK,
about eight pounds.
608
00:39:18,723 --> 00:39:20,163
He was under four pounds.
609
00:39:21,483 --> 00:39:24,643
They handed me my son,
umbilical cord still attached,
610
00:39:25,283 --> 00:39:26,883
he fit in the palms of my hands.
611
00:39:27,883 --> 00:39:30,203
And it's very binary for men.
612
00:39:30,203 --> 00:39:32,363
We don't have nine months
of pregnancy and hormones
613
00:39:32,363 --> 00:39:34,443
to get our head around
the idea of being parents.
614
00:39:34,443 --> 00:39:36,483
We're not, and then suddenly we are.
615
00:39:36,483 --> 00:39:39,363
Suddenly, there's something
in the world more important than us,
616
00:39:39,363 --> 00:39:42,163
and it needs looking after,
and that's our job.
617
00:39:43,483 --> 00:39:47,003
And my first job as a parent,
first thing I ever had to do for my boy,
618
00:39:47,683 --> 00:39:49,323
was to find him something to wear.
619
00:39:52,563 --> 00:39:56,563
Because in the aforementioned go bag,
I brought babygrows for a full-term baby,
620
00:39:56,563 --> 00:39:58,683
'cause that's what
everyone thinks they're gonna get.
621
00:39:58,683 --> 00:40:00,283
Life doesn't always work out that way.
622
00:40:00,283 --> 00:40:02,563
So we had this little premature baby
to take care of,
623
00:40:02,563 --> 00:40:04,603
so the nurses told me where to go.
624
00:40:04,603 --> 00:40:06,963
There's a clothing store,
they've got everything for kids,
625
00:40:06,963 --> 00:40:09,323
about three blocks from the hospital,
got everything,
626
00:40:09,323 --> 00:40:11,803
and they've got this section
of stuff for premature babies.
627
00:40:11,803 --> 00:40:14,603
Now, I'd never seen the babygrows
for a premature baby.
628
00:40:14,603 --> 00:40:17,163
If you've not seen them,
they're heartbreakers.
629
00:40:17,163 --> 00:40:19,123
You can't believe a human being
630
00:40:19,123 --> 00:40:22,843
could fit into something
so fragile and delicate and tiny.
631
00:40:22,843 --> 00:40:24,283
They're like dolls' clothes.
632
00:40:25,003 --> 00:40:27,643
So I rushed in there,
I picked up what they had in his size,
633
00:40:27,643 --> 00:40:29,563
they had three in his size,
so I grabbed them
634
00:40:29,563 --> 00:40:31,003
and I took them up to the counter.
635
00:40:31,003 --> 00:40:34,243
And this lovely lady behind the counter
said, "Do you want the coat hangers?"
636
00:40:34,243 --> 00:40:36,043
I said,
"I think it's a bit late for that."
637
00:40:39,163 --> 00:40:40,643
Oh, the relief!
638
00:40:44,283 --> 00:40:47,883
I'd been a dad about 90 minutes,
I thought, "This changes nothing!"
639
00:40:50,803 --> 00:40:53,643
It's a genuinely true story.
The look on her face...
640
00:40:58,283 --> 00:41:01,403
And then I did want the coat hangers,
and she didn't want to give 'em to me.
641
00:41:07,363 --> 00:41:11,123
My girlfriend put me on the spot recently.
She said, "What are my ten best features?"
642
00:41:11,123 --> 00:41:12,763
I said, "I like your optimism."
643
00:41:15,963 --> 00:41:18,043
"Ten? Wind your fucking neck in, love."
644
00:41:19,203 --> 00:41:21,403
"I couldn't name three. I'm still here."
645
00:41:22,483 --> 00:41:24,883
Who's engaged to be married?
Is anyone here engaged?
646
00:41:25,883 --> 00:41:28,723
You-- You guys are engaged, down here.
Fab. What's your name, sir?
647
00:41:28,723 --> 00:41:29,883
- Chris.
- Chris.
648
00:41:29,883 --> 00:41:31,843
- Uh, and you're from...
- 'Stralia.
649
00:41:31,843 --> 00:41:33,603
'Stralia. Which bit of 'Stralia?
650
00:41:33,603 --> 00:41:35,963
- Sydney.
- Sydney. We've heard of it.
651
00:41:35,963 --> 00:41:37,683
I love it. Okay, and you're from...
652
00:41:37,683 --> 00:41:39,843
- Here.
- From here. What's your name, madam?
653
00:41:39,843 --> 00:41:41,723
- Leann.
- Hey, Leann. Hey, Chris.
654
00:41:41,723 --> 00:41:42,843
Well, congratulations.
655
00:41:42,843 --> 00:41:45,243
What was the proposal like?
That's always my question.
656
00:41:45,243 --> 00:41:47,963
Because there's the middle class
and the working class.
657
00:41:47,963 --> 00:41:50,443
Those are the two... Are you all familiar?
658
00:41:50,443 --> 00:41:51,723
I'll-- I'll go through it.
659
00:41:51,723 --> 00:41:55,763
Okay, so your middle-class proposal,
it's-- it's your classic, your cliché,
660
00:41:55,763 --> 00:41:57,203
the man goes down on one knee,
661
00:41:57,203 --> 00:41:59,483
he's got the ring in a box,
opens the ring box,
662
00:41:59,483 --> 00:42:02,083
diamond glimmers in her eyes,
places the ring on her finger.
663
00:42:02,763 --> 00:42:05,483
She knows what's going on.
She's no dummy. But he says it anyway.
664
00:42:05,483 --> 00:42:08,443
"Will you make me the happiest man
in the world and be my wife?"
665
00:42:10,083 --> 00:42:12,163
She cries, he cries,
there's often a snot bubble.
666
00:42:12,163 --> 00:42:13,563
It's a very emotional day.
667
00:42:14,683 --> 00:42:16,283
And then there's a photo shoot
668
00:42:16,283 --> 00:42:18,483
with her finger
so it doesn't look fat in the photo...
669
00:42:19,483 --> 00:42:21,603
...that must be sent
to everyone she's ever fucking met.
670
00:42:21,603 --> 00:42:23,883
That's your classic middle-class proposal.
671
00:42:23,883 --> 00:42:26,643
It's a cliché, but it's a cliché
'cause it works for people.
672
00:42:26,643 --> 00:42:28,923
And that's as distinct
from the working-class proposal.
673
00:42:28,923 --> 00:42:29,843
Little bit different.
674
00:42:29,843 --> 00:42:33,163
That's where the woman--
Not the man, thank you very much.
675
00:42:33,163 --> 00:42:34,323
...where the woman
676
00:42:34,323 --> 00:42:35,843
pisses on a stick.
677
00:42:43,963 --> 00:42:45,203
"We're getting married."
678
00:42:53,763 --> 00:42:54,963
Which-- Which one was it?
679
00:42:54,963 --> 00:42:56,283
The last one.
680
00:42:56,283 --> 00:42:58,683
The last one. Yeah, well, that's--
There's no shame in it.
681
00:42:59,283 --> 00:43:01,163
Double congratulations, guys.
682
00:43:01,763 --> 00:43:03,723
Well, fair enough.
He's from-- He's from Australia.
683
00:43:03,723 --> 00:43:04,963
It's considered posh there
684
00:43:04,963 --> 00:43:07,123
if your baby's tattoos
are spelled correctly.
685
00:43:10,443 --> 00:43:13,123
Who's in this situation?
Who's in a long-term relationship,
686
00:43:13,123 --> 00:43:14,723
but he's not asked yet?
687
00:43:17,523 --> 00:43:20,283
Well, the-- there's a big one there.
Which-- Which guy?
688
00:43:20,283 --> 00:43:23,483
- This guy. How long you been together?
Ten and a half years.
689
00:43:23,483 --> 00:43:25,563
Ten and a half years, okay.
What's your name, madam?
690
00:43:25,563 --> 00:43:27,363
- Daniela.
- Daniela. Hi, Daniela.
691
00:43:27,363 --> 00:43:28,683
- Hi.
- And what's your name, sir?
692
00:43:28,683 --> 00:43:30,203
- Louie.
- Louie.
693
00:43:30,203 --> 00:43:32,843
Daniela, do you wanna know why
Louie hasn't asked you to marry him?
694
00:43:32,843 --> 00:43:35,283
'Cause I could tell you.
I can see it from here.
695
00:43:39,563 --> 00:43:42,003
And the irony's gonna kill you, Daniela,
696
00:43:42,003 --> 00:43:44,443
'cause the reason
he's not gonna ask you to marry him
697
00:43:44,443 --> 00:43:46,683
is the same reason that you love that man.
698
00:43:46,683 --> 00:43:51,643
I say "man." I should say "boy,"
because there's a child in those eyes.
699
00:43:52,763 --> 00:43:55,843
You're a dreamer, aren't you, Louie?
He's a dreamer, Daniela.
700
00:43:55,843 --> 00:43:59,523
He's a dreamer,
and he thinks one day he could do better.
701
00:44:10,043 --> 00:44:12,003
But I don't want you to worry.
702
00:44:13,403 --> 00:44:15,683
'Cause one day,
he will give up and settle.
703
00:44:22,763 --> 00:44:25,523
My point, ladies,
is proposals are not romantic.
704
00:44:25,523 --> 00:44:27,563
There's a reason
men propose on their knees.
705
00:44:27,563 --> 00:44:29,003
They've fucking given up.
706
00:44:33,043 --> 00:44:34,963
I don't really understand
mother-in-law jokes.
707
00:44:34,963 --> 00:44:37,683
I've never really got
what mother-in-law jokes are meant to be,
708
00:44:37,683 --> 00:44:39,683
because, really,
what is your mother-in-law?
709
00:44:39,683 --> 00:44:42,723
When you think about it,
gentlemen, it's Christmas Future.
710
00:44:44,003 --> 00:44:45,763
Yeah. Let that sink in.
711
00:44:46,683 --> 00:44:49,403
Your mother-in-law,
that's what you've got in the post.
712
00:44:51,123 --> 00:44:53,363
So you guys are getting married, right?
713
00:44:53,363 --> 00:44:54,763
- Have you met her mum?
- Yes.
714
00:44:54,763 --> 00:44:57,003
You have? Okay.
So if you picture her mum now,
715
00:44:57,003 --> 00:44:58,123
in your mind's eye,
716
00:44:58,123 --> 00:45:01,643
if you can't imagine yourself
hanging out the back of it...
717
00:45:05,203 --> 00:45:08,003
...then I don't think this relationship
really has a future, so...
718
00:45:09,163 --> 00:45:11,963
Here's my question to you,
and I hate to put you on the spot.
719
00:45:13,203 --> 00:45:14,443
Would you fuck her mum?
720
00:45:17,283 --> 00:45:19,243
I'm gonna need an answer on this.
721
00:45:19,243 --> 00:45:21,363
A yes or a no. It's gotta be yes or no.
722
00:45:22,163 --> 00:45:24,363
- Yes.
- You're saying yes. Just...
723
00:45:26,083 --> 00:45:27,483
It's the right answer.
724
00:45:31,803 --> 00:45:33,683
I realize that might feel
slightly uncomfortable,
725
00:45:33,683 --> 00:45:36,163
but that's the right answer.
That means he loves you for reals.
726
00:45:36,683 --> 00:45:38,243
'Cause-- I'll explain what's going on.
727
00:45:38,243 --> 00:45:40,883
You're marrying this beautiful woman.
You're a beautiful woman...
728
00:45:40,883 --> 00:45:41,803
now.
729
00:45:43,563 --> 00:45:46,603
But you're gonna morph into your mum
over the next 25 years.
730
00:45:46,603 --> 00:45:49,323
There's nothing we can do about that.
That is just nature.
731
00:45:49,323 --> 00:45:52,323
And your mum is,
let's assume, a fucking state.
732
00:45:57,683 --> 00:45:59,043
Some offense.
733
00:46:01,683 --> 00:46:03,603
But at no point
is he going to look at you and go,
734
00:46:03,603 --> 00:46:06,123
"Ooh, no, I'd be thumbing in a softie.
I'm out."
735
00:46:06,123 --> 00:46:08,603
- This is--
736
00:46:08,603 --> 00:46:10,163
This is actually very romantic.
737
00:46:10,163 --> 00:46:12,283
Maybe-- I don't know
if you're writing your own vows,
738
00:46:12,283 --> 00:46:14,603
but maybe we could
work this into your big day.
739
00:46:15,283 --> 00:46:17,603
At some point, he could clink a glass...
740
00:46:18,243 --> 00:46:20,643
"Do I love her?
I'll say. I'd fuck her mum."
741
00:46:32,683 --> 00:46:37,203
Now, have we got young men in,
18, 19 years of age, out with family?
742
00:46:37,203 --> 00:46:39,043
- That's what we're looking for.
Yeah.
743
00:46:39,043 --> 00:46:40,723
- What's your name, man?
Jacob.
744
00:46:40,723 --> 00:46:42,723
- Who are you here with?
My dad.
745
00:46:42,723 --> 00:46:44,043
- Your dad?
Yeah.
746
00:46:44,043 --> 00:46:46,283
- What age are you, Jacob?
Nineteen.
747
00:46:46,283 --> 00:46:48,163
Nineteen. Jacob.
748
00:46:49,523 --> 00:46:51,643
All right, Jacob.
Look, I'll explain what's going on.
749
00:46:51,643 --> 00:46:54,363
So... women, very good at communicating,
750
00:46:54,363 --> 00:46:56,683
not just with each other, intergenerationally.
751
00:46:56,683 --> 00:46:58,843
Women talk to girls,
let them know what's up,
752
00:46:58,843 --> 00:47:01,683
and that's why girls
are not fucking dummies.
753
00:47:01,683 --> 00:47:04,523
- Young men could be fucking dummies.
754
00:47:04,523 --> 00:47:07,283
It's not your fault, Jacob.
It's our fault, it's society's fault.
755
00:47:07,283 --> 00:47:09,523
There's not enough sex education
for young men.
756
00:47:09,523 --> 00:47:11,043
Well, that changes now.
757
00:47:13,243 --> 00:47:15,883
Jacob, we're gonna have the talk.
758
00:47:15,883 --> 00:47:19,163
- Have you had the talk with your dad?
759
00:47:20,363 --> 00:47:21,283
No.
760
00:47:24,083 --> 00:47:26,883
Well, don't worry, Jacob.
I'm your daddy now.
761
00:47:30,643 --> 00:47:33,563
The reason I wanted to talk to you,
there've been some exciting developments
762
00:47:33,563 --> 00:47:34,603
in dating, Jacob.
763
00:47:34,603 --> 00:47:36,923
Consent has become very popular.
764
00:47:39,443 --> 00:47:41,843
Oh, consent is all the rage these days.
765
00:47:42,483 --> 00:47:44,243
It's the new fingerblasting, Jacob.
766
00:47:46,443 --> 00:47:47,963
Are you familiar with the shocker?
767
00:47:49,283 --> 00:47:51,523
Two in the pink, one in the stink.
That's how that works.
768
00:47:51,523 --> 00:47:54,203
- You're right. He’s only young.
769
00:47:54,203 --> 00:47:56,003
Two in the goo, one in the poo.
There, fine.
770
00:48:00,163 --> 00:48:03,563
Here's everything you need to know
about consent, young Padawan.
771
00:48:04,483 --> 00:48:08,563
Consent is a one-use deal.
One consent per action. Yeah?
772
00:48:09,123 --> 00:48:11,363
So a thumbs-up to "May I kiss you?"
773
00:48:13,123 --> 00:48:16,843
cannot, will not, ever give you
blanket cover for the evening, Jacob.
774
00:48:16,843 --> 00:48:20,483
You can't then assume the fucking
and the anal and the facial.
775
00:48:20,483 --> 00:48:23,003
- No, Jacob. No.
776
00:48:24,363 --> 00:48:26,003
One consent per action.
777
00:48:26,003 --> 00:48:28,203
Think of it like condoms. One use only.
778
00:48:29,563 --> 00:48:32,763
Sure, a young lady might tell you
she cares deeply about the environment,
779
00:48:32,763 --> 00:48:35,243
but you should see her face
when you're rinsing out a condom.
780
00:48:38,483 --> 00:48:42,003
Even Greta Thunberg would say,
"No, no, throw a fresh one up me."
781
00:48:47,083 --> 00:48:48,963
Well, let me ask
the grown men in the room.
782
00:48:48,963 --> 00:48:50,843
Who thinks it ruins the romance
783
00:48:50,843 --> 00:48:53,603
to ask for consent
at every stage of a sexual encounter?
784
00:48:54,443 --> 00:48:55,443
Yeah.
785
00:48:55,443 --> 00:48:56,923
Well, you may be rapists.
786
00:49:00,163 --> 00:49:02,163
Not good role models for you, Jacob.
787
00:49:03,203 --> 00:49:05,843
His idea of safe sex
is wearing a balaclava.
788
00:49:08,643 --> 00:49:11,123
He thinks foreplay's an uncovered drink.
789
00:49:13,483 --> 00:49:16,203
His favorite chat-up line is,
"Does anyone know you're here?"
790
00:49:18,763 --> 00:49:21,603
But you, you know, you're 19.
791
00:49:21,603 --> 00:49:23,483
We can mold you, as from clay,
792
00:49:23,483 --> 00:49:26,003
into the man we want to see in the future.
This is exciting.
793
00:49:26,003 --> 00:49:28,443
Here's the key thing.
Communication, Jacob.
794
00:49:28,443 --> 00:49:30,763
Talk to the girl that you're with.
795
00:49:30,763 --> 00:49:33,483
Fuck being embarrassed. Fuck being shy.
796
00:49:33,483 --> 00:49:34,483
Talk to the girl.
797
00:49:34,483 --> 00:49:36,643
- That's it. It's that simple.
798
00:49:40,203 --> 00:49:41,883
Ask her, "Do you mind
if I touch you there?"
799
00:49:41,883 --> 00:49:43,643
"Is it okay if we try this?"
800
00:49:43,643 --> 00:49:44,683
"Is it in yet?"
801
00:49:47,843 --> 00:49:50,843
And really, I think we need
to rebrand consent for men of your age,
802
00:49:50,843 --> 00:49:52,163
because for young men,
803
00:49:52,163 --> 00:49:55,523
consent sounds like the boring bit
before the fun happens.
804
00:49:55,523 --> 00:49:58,603
It's the paperwork
before you get your hands on the jet ski.
805
00:49:59,483 --> 00:50:01,883
That analogy works best
if she's a squirter.
806
00:50:04,963 --> 00:50:05,923
Ask your mum.
807
00:50:16,403 --> 00:50:18,043
But consent can be half the fun,
808
00:50:18,043 --> 00:50:21,403
because really, consent,
all it is is dirty talk done right.
809
00:50:22,203 --> 00:50:24,683
"But how do I do dirty talk right, Jimmy?"
810
00:50:24,683 --> 00:50:26,763
Great question, Jacob. I'll tell you.
811
00:50:29,163 --> 00:50:31,283
Three elements
to getting dirty talk right.
812
00:50:31,283 --> 00:50:35,683
Element one, right, uh, say what you see.
Check everyone is on the same page.
813
00:50:35,683 --> 00:50:37,523
"I'm hard. You're wet."
814
00:50:37,523 --> 00:50:40,283
Stating the obvious
like a sexual Rain Man.
815
00:50:44,123 --> 00:50:45,683
Stage two, say what you want to happen.
816
00:50:45,683 --> 00:50:48,603
Nine times out of ten,
it's gonna be, "I wanna fuck you."
817
00:50:48,603 --> 00:50:51,403
You'd struggle to mess it up, Jacob.
You're a bright boy.
818
00:50:53,643 --> 00:50:55,243
Stage three...
819
00:50:56,403 --> 00:50:59,083
...ask questions. And here's
the great news, there's no bad questions.
820
00:50:59,083 --> 00:51:01,963
Ask what you want.
"Do you want a thumb in your bum?"
821
00:51:03,283 --> 00:51:06,123
"Will you put your thumb in my bum?"
It's all good.
822
00:51:07,603 --> 00:51:10,163
Let's talk about enthusiastic consent.
823
00:51:10,163 --> 00:51:12,923
Jacob, have you heard the phrase,
"Enthusiastic consent"?
824
00:51:12,923 --> 00:51:15,043
- No, I haven't.
- Okay. Well, it's a great idea.
825
00:51:15,043 --> 00:51:16,923
It's a bad expression. I don't love it.
826
00:51:16,923 --> 00:51:19,923
"Enthusiastic consent" makes it sound
like she's gotta make a banner
827
00:51:19,923 --> 00:51:21,563
saying, "Fuck me, Jacob,"
828
00:51:21,563 --> 00:51:24,363
dressed as a cheerleader
with the pom-poms and the dancing.
829
00:51:24,363 --> 00:51:26,403
That'd be lovely. Not necessary.
830
00:51:26,403 --> 00:51:30,403
All enthusiastic consent means
is what she says and her body language
831
00:51:30,403 --> 00:51:33,763
need to match up perfectly.
It needs to make sense.
832
00:51:33,763 --> 00:51:35,443
So no means no. You know that?
833
00:51:36,043 --> 00:51:37,083
Of course you do.
834
00:51:37,083 --> 00:51:39,443
Yes does not always mean yes.
I'll explain.
835
00:51:39,443 --> 00:51:43,363
So if a girl says yes to sex with you,
but she says it through gritted teeth,
836
00:51:43,363 --> 00:51:45,363
like she's in a fucking horror movie...
837
00:51:46,963 --> 00:51:49,083
"Yes, Jacob. I want you to fuck me."
838
00:51:51,683 --> 00:51:52,563
Don't.
839
00:51:53,923 --> 00:51:56,483
If a girl says yes to sex with you
but she's physically tensing,
840
00:51:56,483 --> 00:51:59,323
like something's going to hit her
in the stomach, don't fuck her.
841
00:51:59,323 --> 00:52:01,843
Great rule of thumb for you,
if she's stiffer than your dick,
842
00:52:01,843 --> 00:52:02,763
don't fuck her.
843
00:52:07,123 --> 00:52:09,883
Okay, well, look, we've covered
the basics. You seem like a bright boy.
844
00:52:09,883 --> 00:52:12,323
- Should we take it up a gear?
Yeah.
845
00:52:12,843 --> 00:52:15,603
Jacob, do you know how to tell
when a woman is ovulating?
846
00:52:16,803 --> 00:52:19,443
Yeah, that's women giggling,
and men going, "What?"
847
00:52:21,603 --> 00:52:24,883
You can tell when a woman is ovulating,
'cause when a woman is ovulating, Jacob,
848
00:52:24,883 --> 00:52:26,163
she'll fuck you.
849
00:52:29,203 --> 00:52:32,043
All the women in here know.
There are women in here right now
850
00:52:32,043 --> 00:52:35,403
with men they wouldn't have looked at
twice anywhere else in their cycle.
851
00:52:35,403 --> 00:52:37,203
They were ovulating, so they fucked him.
852
00:52:38,483 --> 00:52:40,283
The funny thing is
there are men in this room
853
00:52:40,283 --> 00:52:42,043
that think they seduced that woman.
854
00:52:42,563 --> 00:52:45,323
No. She was ovulating.
She would have fucked anyone that night.
855
00:52:46,883 --> 00:52:49,843
Basically, when she's ovulating,
her pussy is eating her thigh.
856
00:53:00,163 --> 00:53:02,243
I don't do many impersonations.
857
00:53:02,763 --> 00:53:04,523
I do a very passable ravenous vagina.
858
00:53:09,003 --> 00:53:10,883
And look, I know
this might seem patronizing.
859
00:53:10,883 --> 00:53:12,403
You're-- You're 19, I'm 50.
860
00:53:12,403 --> 00:53:14,843
I'm talking down to you
literally and metaphorically,
861
00:53:14,843 --> 00:53:16,643
but I want you
to get something out of this,
862
00:53:16,643 --> 00:53:19,563
so I'm gonna share
with you now the best advice I've ever had
863
00:53:19,563 --> 00:53:21,883
on women, dating, and relationships.
864
00:53:21,883 --> 00:53:24,923
This is wisdom
passed down through the ages.
865
00:53:25,883 --> 00:53:27,923
You thought you're seeing
a comedy show with your dad.
866
00:53:27,923 --> 00:53:31,283
It's bigger than that, Jacob.
Tonight-- Tonight, you become a man.
867
00:53:33,083 --> 00:53:35,243
This is some fucking Lion King shit.
868
00:53:36,563 --> 00:53:37,643
You ready, Jacob?
869
00:53:37,643 --> 00:53:39,043
- Yes.
Okay.
870
00:53:39,043 --> 00:53:41,963
If you live by this,
I think you're gonna do all right.
871
00:53:45,163 --> 00:53:46,123
You ready?
872
00:53:47,843 --> 00:53:49,763
Don't stick your dick in crazy.
873
00:53:54,483 --> 00:53:56,763
That's it. That's it.
874
00:54:00,043 --> 00:54:02,763
If you meet a girl, Jacob,
doesn't matter how attractive she is,
875
00:54:03,363 --> 00:54:06,843
if she seems a bit mental,
don't stick your dick in it.
876
00:54:08,763 --> 00:54:11,723
I want you to view that woman
as you would a food blender.
877
00:54:13,203 --> 00:54:14,883
Have you got a food blender in the house?
878
00:54:14,883 --> 00:54:17,683
Of course you have.
You ever put your dick in it? No.
879
00:54:17,683 --> 00:54:19,523
Real smart. Same-same.
880
00:54:21,083 --> 00:54:24,363
Don't stick your dick in crazy.
And look, you might be a dreamer.
881
00:54:24,363 --> 00:54:26,563
I don't know, Jacob.
You might be thinking even now,
882
00:54:26,563 --> 00:54:28,603
"Yeah, but what if it's a supermodel
from Paris?"
883
00:54:28,603 --> 00:54:31,563
Well, if it is, and she's talking to you,
she's definitely fucking mental.
884
00:54:35,483 --> 00:54:38,003
All right, quick pop quiz for Jacob.
Let's see where he's at.
885
00:54:41,163 --> 00:54:42,963
You're gonna do fine, Jacob.
886
00:54:43,763 --> 00:54:46,843
Are you aware, Jacob,
there are different types of consent?
887
00:54:46,843 --> 00:54:48,643
Sure, yeah.
888
00:54:50,123 --> 00:54:51,523
Talk us through them, Jacob.
889
00:54:54,803 --> 00:54:57,363
That's a little bonus lesson
for you, Jacob.
890
00:54:57,363 --> 00:54:59,163
Don't bullshit a bullshitter, kid.
891
00:55:01,043 --> 00:55:02,203
I'll walk you through this.
892
00:55:02,203 --> 00:55:04,443
So, you've got--
You've got consent to fuck.
893
00:55:04,443 --> 00:55:07,843
That's the big one.
The headline act. "Consent to fuck."
894
00:55:07,843 --> 00:55:11,363
That gets all the attention, Jacob,
but there's other consents.
895
00:55:11,363 --> 00:55:13,643
There's consent
to get your dick out, Jacob.
896
00:55:20,403 --> 00:55:22,403
When's a good time
to get your dick out, Jacob?
897
00:55:24,363 --> 00:55:25,323
I'll tell you what.
898
00:55:26,043 --> 00:55:27,163
Let's workshop this.
899
00:55:31,003 --> 00:55:34,083
Yeah, let's gamify it.
We're laughing and we're learning.
900
00:55:34,083 --> 00:55:35,163
What fun we're having.
901
00:55:35,163 --> 00:55:37,203
I'm gonna give you some scenarios,
902
00:55:37,203 --> 00:55:39,723
right, you've just gotta
tell me yes or no.
903
00:55:39,723 --> 00:55:42,363
Is it a good time to get your dick out?
You up for this, Jacob?
904
00:55:42,363 --> 00:55:44,363
Give him some encouragement.
It's Jacob, everyone.
905
00:55:44,363 --> 00:55:46,603
- That's right.
906
00:55:46,603 --> 00:55:49,283
That's right. Good on you. Now...
907
00:55:50,683 --> 00:55:53,243
So, first scenario, Jacob.
You've asked a girl out on a date.
908
00:55:53,243 --> 00:55:54,883
She's agreed to go on a date with you.
909
00:55:54,883 --> 00:55:57,203
And why wouldn't she,
you fucking dreamboat?
910
00:55:58,323 --> 00:56:01,123
You pick her up at hers at seven
in the evening, you ring the doorbell.
911
00:56:01,123 --> 00:56:02,203
Ding-dong.
912
00:56:02,203 --> 00:56:04,403
She answers the door.
She's all dressed up for the date.
913
00:56:04,403 --> 00:56:06,923
You're stood there, dick out, ding-dong.
914
00:56:08,363 --> 00:56:10,803
Let her see
what you've got in store for her.
915
00:56:10,803 --> 00:56:13,763
Pointless wasting her time if she doesn't
like the look of the merchandise.
916
00:56:13,763 --> 00:56:15,843
- What do you think, Jacob. Yes or no?
- That's a no.
917
00:56:15,843 --> 00:56:18,883
-"That's a no" is the right answer!
918
00:56:18,883 --> 00:56:19,963
Perfect. One for one.
919
00:56:21,363 --> 00:56:24,163
Second scenario, right.
You're having dinner with the girl.
920
00:56:24,163 --> 00:56:26,723
It's going great,
the conversation is flowing easily.
921
00:56:26,723 --> 00:56:28,843
You're laughing at her jokes,
she's laughing at yours.
922
00:56:28,843 --> 00:56:30,403
There's a bit of chemistry in the air.
923
00:56:30,403 --> 00:56:33,843
You say, "Look, enjoy dessert,
but leave room for this sweet dick."
924
00:56:37,803 --> 00:56:39,643
What do you think, Jacob? Yes or no?
925
00:56:40,523 --> 00:56:41,523
Maybe.
926
00:56:59,843 --> 00:57:02,043
That was a fucking lay-up, kid. That was...
927
00:57:02,643 --> 00:57:03,603
"Maybe"?
928
00:57:06,283 --> 00:57:07,643
You're in a restaurant...
929
00:57:09,163 --> 00:57:11,723
In a public place. There's food around.
930
00:57:14,803 --> 00:57:16,923
- Yes or no, Jacob?
- Okay, no.
931
00:57:16,923 --> 00:57:18,123
Is the right answer.
932
00:57:22,243 --> 00:57:23,083
Now...
933
00:57:24,363 --> 00:57:25,203
Third scenario.
934
00:57:26,363 --> 00:57:28,883
You're back at hers.
There's no one else in the house.
935
00:57:28,883 --> 00:57:32,723
You're on the sofa, making out,
kissing and a-cuddling.
936
00:57:32,723 --> 00:57:34,043
You've got her top off.
937
00:57:37,283 --> 00:57:39,483
Sidebar, you make the noise in your head.
938
00:57:43,203 --> 00:57:45,083
Well, if I don't tell him, who will?
939
00:57:46,443 --> 00:57:49,483
I feel like I've solved a mystery there
for quite a lot of the ladies.
940
00:57:50,003 --> 00:57:53,163
You've always wondered what that
gormless expression on his face was
941
00:57:53,163 --> 00:57:56,283
when he was honking away
on your tits.
942
00:57:56,963 --> 00:57:59,083
Clown horn in his head.
It takes concentration.
943
00:57:59,083 --> 00:58:01,803
- All right, Jacob.
944
00:58:01,803 --> 00:58:03,923
So you're making out with her,
you've got her top off,
945
00:58:03,923 --> 00:58:06,643
she's wetter than a submarine
with a screen door. Oh!
946
00:58:08,363 --> 00:58:10,523
Oh, it's like an otter's pocket.
947
00:58:12,683 --> 00:58:14,883
Wetter than a penguin on a Slip 'N Slide.
948
00:58:14,883 --> 00:58:17,163
- What do you think, Jacob?
949
00:58:17,163 --> 00:58:18,963
- Good time to get your dick out?
- Yes.
950
00:58:18,963 --> 00:58:20,643
No, Jacob! No!
951
00:58:20,643 --> 00:58:22,843
Bad boy! Dirty boy!
952
00:58:22,843 --> 00:58:24,843
No! Don't get your dick out!
953
00:58:24,843 --> 00:58:27,563
Don't get your dick out!
954
00:58:27,563 --> 00:58:29,403
Never get-- Look at me!
955
00:58:29,403 --> 00:58:31,603
Don't get your dick out! Bad boy!
956
00:58:31,603 --> 00:58:33,003
Dirty boy!
957
00:58:33,003 --> 00:58:36,043
Don't get your dick out!
958
00:58:36,043 --> 00:58:38,483
Never get your dick--
959
00:58:38,483 --> 00:58:40,003
Never get your dick out!
960
00:58:40,003 --> 00:58:42,203
Don't get your dick out!
961
00:58:42,203 --> 00:58:44,563
Never get your dick out, Jacob!
962
00:58:45,283 --> 00:58:46,923
Let her get your dick out.
963
00:58:48,563 --> 00:58:51,083
Then you're gold. Then you're gold!
964
00:58:55,003 --> 00:58:58,403
Thank you so much for being out.
I really appreciate everyone.
965
00:58:58,403 --> 00:59:01,203
That's it. Thank you very much, everyone!
Cheers. Good night!
966
00:59:01,683 --> 00:59:04,123
Thank you very much.
It's very sweet of you. Cheers.
967
00:59:04,123 --> 00:59:06,043
Thanks for coming out, everyone. Cheers.
968
00:59:07,523 --> 00:59:08,563
Hey!
969
00:59:10,563 --> 00:59:12,243
Take care. Safe home. Good night.