We do our jobs.
No tropical depressions are gonna darken our days.
It's Avery. We need to do emergency surgery.
Brace.
We're okay. All three of us.
Real talk, I almost died last night.
What? No.
Vivian
has graciously agreed to stay with us for the rest of the season.
What is your problem? Are you jealous or something?
Oh... [chuckles] Of you and...
No, babe, I'm not jealous.
Help!
Hel--
Help!
- What's the situation? - Not good.
Her arm is pinned, maybe crushed. Possible humerus fracture.
I can't extract it without risking further cave-in.
This is all my fault. I let her go in there.
It's okay. She's gonna be fine.
We're gonna keep her stable, manage the pain, keep her hydrated.
- How far out is search and rescue? - Three hours, four.
But, guys, we don't have that kind of time.
High tide is coming in.
In less than an hour, this whole place is gonna be underwater.
Okay. So maybe we can't save the arm, but we can still save her.
But how are you gonna save her without saving her arm, unless...
"This Halloween marks the 284th anniversary
of the sinking of the Espiritu Santo.
The ship, laden with Spanish silver, went down somewhere in the Sea of Cortez.
To this day, beachcombers still find coins and doubloons along the coastline
and haunted caves nearby."
Oh, my...
Ooh.
You know, this Halloween also marks the seventh anniversary
of the day I met an adorable girl
dressed as Coraline, across the room at a party in Cambridge.
And I had drink an entire pitcher of sangria
just to work up the courage to talk to her.
And then vomited all up in her kitchen sink the next morning,
if I remember.
What can I say? I'm a romantic.
Well, what better way to commemorate our love than taking a spooky-ooky cruise
complete with a hunt for buried treasure.
I could always vomit in the sink again?
Mmm...
Thank you.
Okay, so I figured we drop off our bags, hit the gym for a quick workout, shower,
and if we hurry, we can make the 5:30 spooky salsa dancing.
Yes, perfect. And then after that, dinner and drinks and then karaoke.
- Are you boys hearing this? - Oh, yeah.
Loud and clear. Why would we relax?
We're on vacation after all.
Come on. You can sleep when you're dead. Vacation's for activity.
The Anderson sisters should really come with a written warning
when you get married:
"Beware, these girls have no chill."
Okay, so drop off your bags and then meet back out here in ten?
- Great. - Perfect.
Remind me again whose idea it was to go on a cruise
right after a safari?
Would you look at that. Coffee. Yes, please.
Just give me five minutes.
I'm so tired.
No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
No. Caffeine now, complaints later.
- Okay. - Thank you. Okay.
Oh.
So for tonight's couple costume, what are we thinking?
Morticia and Gomez? Or Mary Poppins and Bert?
Paul!
Halloween dinner is buffet style,
so I wanted to add some extra hand sanitizing stations here,
here and here.
Yeah, good. Do it.
- Tell Corey in housekeeping. - Great.
Now your favorite subject...
The costume contest,
as judged by our cruisers.
Some rules. No props with sharp edges.
No live animals.
Last year was a disaster.
Halloween.
Can we make it just go away?
It's the one week in the year where my beautiful dignified vessel
becomes a clown car.
I understand. But, hey, people love it. This week is very popular.
Buffoonery.
Grown-up buffoonery, I tell you.
I promise, the medical team will keep it classy, sir.
No buffoonery whatsoever.
Ahoy, Captain. Permission to come aboard.
Oh, hello.
Charmed, I'm sure.
Oh, sweet heavens to Betsy.
What say you?
Is this not the most delicious thing you've ever feasted your eyes upon?
A strict verbal harassment policy prevents me from commenting.
Oh, come on, Captain.
You know, I used to think like you.
Halloween for hospital workers is the worst night of the year.
Trick-or-treaters in car accidents,
frat boys thinking that cape that they bought on the Internet
suddenly makes them invincible. But this year,
I have decided that I'm going to go along with the fun.
Well, I wish I liked Halloween week,
but I suck at costumes, and Tristan never let's me forget it.
Come on. You can't be that bad. What were you last year?
An extension cord.
- Yeah, that's bad. - Okay, well, it doesn't matter anyway,
because Tristan always wins the costume contest.
Although, it looks as though he may have some competition this year.
Why is the rum always gone?
Oh...
Oh, come on!
Oh, you treasonous...
copycat.
Me copycat? You copycat.
- You have to change. - Oh, no.
This is a custom wig. You have to change.
No. No, no, no, no.
No. You are not doing this in my quarters.
Hey, here's an idea.
How 'bout you go as a doctor and a nurse on a cruise ship,
with a very strict professional dress code policy.
Now, get out. Go.
I don't mind if I do.
Spent a year on this.
- I'll see you later. - Come on.
Yeah, you'll see.
♪ La, la, la, la ♪
Yeah? Hey.
Whoa.
Where did this all come from?
Sweeney Todd. The Broadway cruise.
They left loads of stuff. These skulls, these lanterns.
No, no, no. I mean where did this all come from?
- Your Halloween obsession. - Oh.
Well, as you know, mother wasn't always around growing up.
But my nanny, Alma, was.
And she was really good at building costumes.
Yeah, she taught me everything I know. We'd go all out. It was my favorite.
Woody and Buzz. Holmes and Watson.
- Denim Justin and Britney. - Aw...
I haven't seen you this happy since I let you pop that big cyst
on that German tourist's shoulder.
That was sensational.
Thank you.
Speaking of things that are rotten and filled with puss,
what kind of hideous costume under that coat have you come up with this year?
- Okay. So... - Hmm.
- I've been thinking about it a lot... - Mm-hmm.
...and, um...
Okay, it's really good.
Ha!
I'm a ceiling fan.
Get it?
- No. - What?
- Just no. - Well...
...what are you gonna be that's so great?
Thank you. I thought you'd never ask.
Bow before me.
For I am...
Neptune, lord of the Seven Seas.
- Wow. - Yeah, the best thing about it is,
it incorporates the one thing that I have
that Doctor Odyssey can never buy.
Abs?
Dignity.
Obliques too.
Oh, dear.
Explain thyself, mortal.
Why art thou locking up our bandage cabinet?
Costume procrastinators.
They plunder our ace bandages.
Last year there were so many stolen mummies wandering around,
it looked like Night at the British Museum.
I was wrapping wounds with paper towels and sanitary pads for a week.
Let me guess. Neptune, lord of the Seven Seas?
Poseidon.
Tristan will not be pleased.
Halloween is sort of his thing.
Well, winning is sort of my thing, so there we are.
Excuse me. Hi. Hello?
Uh, no bandages. Sorry, we're fresh out.
Sorry, what?
Oh. Um... [chuckles] How can we help you?
Well, Gomez over here is acting, uh, pretty strange.
I'm fine. Stop fussing.
He is falling asleep standing up and he can't concentrate-- Hey-- on anything.
Have a seat.
- Pupils are equal. - And your vitals are fine.
Temp is a little elevated but within normal range.
I'm just exhausted. We've spent the last 18 hours traveling.
I've hardly slept. And she won't even let me lay down.
Can you just give him, like, a shot of B12 or something energizing? You know.
We have a lot of things planned, so...
In my capacity as Poseidon, god of the sea,
and also as Doctor Odyssey, MD,
I am prescribing you eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.
Thank you.
Captain Nemo! Love it.
Nope, just boring old Captain Robert Massey here.
- He's the guy from The Love Boat. - Yes.
No. I'm the guy from this boat, and we call her a ship.
Thank you to our band.
Hello, guys and ghouls.
Anyone taking part in our costume contest,
our first round of voting will take place tonight
and then again in a couple days at the big Halloween bash.
So you will have two chances to wow us.
Now, let's dance.
If you don't believe in vampires,
turn on the radio.
Somewhere in this town right now,
is one that you might know.
Sorry.
- Are you good? - Sorry.
- It's you. - It's me.
- It's you. - Yeah.
Hey, cute costume.
Hot costume.
- Yours too. - You think I have a chance of winning?
Mmm, yeah, you'd get my vote.
Oh, thanks.
Hey, how's it been, your first... your, uh, second week here?
Really good, honestly. The ports have the most incredible fresh ingredients.
I'm gonna make this thing I call pescado con coco.
- Okay. - We found all these fresh coconuts
- from this guy at the port. - No way.
- What?
Are you kidding me?
You copied me again?
Are you kidding me? Neptune?
- You copied me again? - Poseidon.
Guys, come on. This is getting ridiculous.
- I'm gonna go get a drink. - Let's go dance. Come on.
- You look better, anyways. - Thank you.
Hey!
Wow, you look amazing, but what are you?
Morticia? From the Adams family?
It makes more sense when Paul is here, but he is on a doctor-prescribed nap time.
We're supposed to be the Fox and the Hound,
but this one here is giving more Old Yeller.
- I might need to go put him down. - I'm sorry, I'm trying.
I'm just beat.
Can I please bail out early?
Yes, go be a sleepy dog in the cabin.
But tomorrow, you have to make it till 11 p.m., okay?
It's okay, they were just holding us back anyway.
♪ The streets are full of mysteries ♪
♪ Say "oh" ♪ ♪ Oh ♪
♪ It's Halloween! ♪
♪ Doing Halloween hyped ♪
♪ This creepy-crawly night ♪
♪ Oh, a creepy-crawly night ♪
You should be careful out here at night. The moon is almost full.
I can take care of myself.
Oof...
- Wait, stop. Stop. - What's wrong?
Are you okay?
He's hypotensive and tachycardic.
Hang two bags of O negative, stat!
Where the hell is all this blood coming from?
We need to find the source now.
- He could bleed out in minutes. - I can't find any open wounds.
That's because it's not coming from a wound. It's coming his skin.
Max, he's sweating blood.
Okay, okay. Hematohidrosis.
We need to calm him down, cool down his core temperature.
Push two milligrams of lorazepam. I'll go get the ice packs.
I'm freezing. What happened?
You passed out from blood loss.
Security found you on the upper deck. You're okay now.
We had to cool your body down. You were sweating blood. A lot of it.
- Sweating blood? - Yeah.
It's a condition called hematohidrosis, associated with the fear-response system.
Do you remember what you were doing before we brought you here?
I was with a bunny.
Well, the girl dressed as a bunny.
We were, you know...
But fear?
No, no. I'm not afraid of girls.
Or sex.
You know, most people don't realize that fear and arousal
are physically very similar.
Your brain dumps adrenaline, the heart starts to beat faster,
you start sweating,
and in rare cases, I mean, very, very rare cases,
the wires get crossed and--
You sweat blood?
So, is this gonna happen, like, every time I wanna bone now, or--
Long-term solution, we're gonna set you up with a hematologist back home
to identify triggers, possible underlying conditions.
In the meantime, I'm gonna give you an iron supplement for the blood loss
and a prescription for lorazepam so you can stay on an even keel
for the rest of the cruise.
The good stuff. Sweet.
Try your best to stay cool this week.
No promises.
Anyone there?
Hello?
Good joke.
Ah!
Where do you get all this drag?
- Hey, Cap. - Tristan.
You look like you need to go to bed, not contemplate a drink.
What's up?
Ah, it's nothing.
I-It is something. It's Max.
He's toying with me.
He's got his hands on this incredible costume, and I just...
I don't know. I'm done for.
Sexy captain's costume.
Okay, so what happened?
When did a holiday for children get commandeered by grown-ups?
- Well... - Blame the gays, honey.
I don't know, Cap.
Is there such a difference between a uniform and a costume?
Aren't they both just revealers?
My boy, this uniform reveals four decades of service at sea.
Those costumes represent adults with glue guns
and too damn much time on their hands.
All right, so what's this whole anti-Halloween thing?
What's the story there?
Some deep-seated Halloween trauma?
Well, I'm just...
Don't get more votes than me in the costume contest.
Seriously, I don't I can handle waging war on you too.
Whoa. Wait a minute.
There's a party over here we can go to.
Paul, can you follow my finger?
He's in some sort of psychosis.
I-I-I don't understand.
He seemed so tired earlier, and now he can't keep still.
His temperature is 101.5, and his lymph nodes are very swollen.
Guys?
These are serious symptoms. Could be infectious.
We need to initiate emergency contagion protocol until we know more.
Agreed. Let's get the two of them quarantined.
We also need to run a blood test, ASAP.
Sorry, did you say "contagion" and "quarantine"?
Right now, it's just a precaution,
but if you were traveling with anybody, we need to contact them immediately.
Luna.
Okay. And have either of you exhibited signs of fatigue?
- No. - Fever? Chills?
No. No, I am telling you, we are both fine, okay?
He-He tried to eat my arm.
Did he break the skin?
All right, differential diagnosis.
Well, the fever and swollen lymph would tell me viral infection.
Which would explain the physical symptoms but not the neurological ones.
Difficulty walking, speaking, abnormal aggression.
I mean, rabies? An animal bite? They just got back from safari in Africa.
Yeah, but in advanced cases of rabies,
the ones that make you bite present with extreme hydrophobia,
so being on a cruise ship, he wouldn't even be able to come out of his cabin.
We need to see the blood tests.
Well, the test results are in.
Okay, if this is what we think it is,
we need to initiate emergency lockdown immediately.
We'll notify the captain, start contact tracing
beginning, firstly, with ourselves, alert the next port of call.
- We don't know anything for sure yet. - Well, that's reassuring.
Great. It's been a pleasure serving with you.
Damn it.
It's COVID all over again.
No, it's not gonna be like COVID.
No, no, no.
Hey, it'll be okay. We'll get through this.
No, I--I mean it's not gonna be like COVID,
because whatever this is, it's not contagious. Look.
Each of your husband's blood work shows a unique pattern
in the white blood cell count, a radical increase in eosinophils,
which suggests a systemic immune response to an unknown cause.
Meaning that their symptoms are not a reaction to a contagious disease,
but rather some external stimuli they've both come into contact with.
We're not sure what that is yet, but we are sure--
I-It's not contagious.
Thank God.
The good news is we can rule zombie apocalypse off our list.
Whew! One or two zombies I can manage,
but a whole shipful... Uh--
Yeah, but the bad news,
I still don't know what's causing the symptoms.
Okay, understood.
- Thanks for the update, Doctor. - Yes, sir.
Um...
One more thing.
Until we get this whole thing figured out with the patients,
maybe we chill on the shenanigans and pranks.
Pranks?
I've been in the infirmary all night.
Let the kid win the damn contest.
And you figure out what's going on with those patients, and that's an order.
Yes, sir.
Beneath those waves lie the 88 souls who drowned
when the Espiritu Santo sank.
They say if you listen close,
you can still hear their ghosts calling from the depths
of haunted caves.
Now, safety is our number one priority when it comes to treasure hunting.
Don't wander near the rocks or any of the caves.
The tide rises fast, and the rocks are extremely slippery.
All right, any questions? Yes.
Aren't you the guy who brought me my towels this morning?
I am indeed.
Which is why I need to find this treasure more than anyone.
Let's go.
It's so nice. Wouldn't you rather go for a swim?
We could lay on the beach.
Come on.
Everyone knows those old coins are cursed anyway.
Just imagine what it must've been like.
To be out there, all those years ago,
navigating two thousand miles of the open ocean
with nothing but torchlight and the stars.
SOS.
- I'm surrounded by nerds. - Come on.
There's nothing here.
Let's go up there.
Honey, don't you think we're getting a little far?
I don't have on the right shoes. You got on a full dress--
If you wanna find something,
you have to go where no one has ever gone before, right?
Go ahead.
I hope you know how much I love you.
Told you, babe, this is tight.
This is amazing.
Incredible.
Ha ha.
Okay, can we go back now, please? They're gonna be looking for us.
Besides, my sandals are getting soaked.
I'll get you a new pair when we find the booty.
What?
I think I found one.
A coin?
You're kidding.
Julia!
I don't get it. They slept all day.
Now they're starting to come alive again?
Paradoxical exhaustion. Insomnia by night, lethargy by day.
Adding it to the list of symptoms.
Hey, guys.
You look, and I say this with love, awful.
- Charming. - You've been working
on your costume all day. You're not gonna beat me.
It's the beach excursion. The treasure hunters.
There's been a cave-in. There's a woman that's trapped.
Yeah, go. I'll babysit the zombies.
She's been in about 30 minutes. Stuck pretty good by the sounds of it.
Verbal response is off and on.
I'll go in first, take her vitals, assess, and report back.
It's pretty tight in there. I wasn't able to fit, myself.
I'll go.
- No, no. We'll wait... We'll wait for the-- - Who are we waiting for? Max, I got this.
Help!
Julia?
Please help!
- Julia? - The water.
It's rising.
I'm Avery.
- I'm a nurse. - My arm, I...
I can't get it out.
Okay. I'm gonna need you to take some slow, deep breaths for me, all right?
- Okay. - In.
And out.
- That's great. - The water...
- The water keeps coming up. - Yeah? Okay.
I'm gonna try and pull you out, okay?
On the count of three. Ready?
One, two,
three--
Okay, okay, okay.
Hey. Hey.
We're gonna get you free, I promise.
- I'll be right back. - Okay.
Keep taking those deep breaths. Slow in...
...slow out.
I'll be right back.
- Slow breaths. - Don't leave.
- Don't le-- - I'll be right back.
What are you asking me?
To give you permission?
To cut my wife's arm off.
I'm asking you to give us permission to save her life.
How would it work?
I'll apply a tourniquet to stem the bleeding.
Give Julia a local anesthetic. She won't feel a thing.
I'll make the first incision just above the elbow.
If she stays down there longer, she's gonna drown.
I need you to say yes, and I need you to say it now.
Avery's the best nurse I know.
She's the only person I'd want in there if it was me.
Yes. Yes.
Let's go.
How you doing, Julia?
The water, it's getting higher.
Please.
Please hurry.
I don't wanna die.
Breathe.
All right, Julia.
All right.
Julia.
You know who's out there? Sarah.
And she is waiting for you.
And in two minutes,
we're gonna be up there on that beach with her.
I want you to squeeze this as hard as you possibly can, okay? Do not let go.
Squeeze. Don't let go, okay?
Keep squeezing.
Here we go.
- Keep thinking about Sarah, okay? - Okay.
Hang on one second, Julia, okay?
Okay, Julia.
Change of plans.
I know this is gonna sound crazy, and I know you're scared,
- but you need to trust me, okay? - Okay.
You're gonna take one big breath in and a big breath out.
On the breath out, you're gonna relax,
and you're gonna release both of your hands.
You're gonna let go, okay?
Can you do that? Okay.
We're gonna take a big breath in and out.
We're going to breathe together, okay?
Ready? Breathe in.
And out.
Breathe in.
Breathe out.
Oh...
She's unresponsive.
Come on.
Come on, come on.
There we go.
You were right.
Those coins are cursed.
You stupid beautiful idiot.
You're alive.
And whole.
I think I need mouth-to-mouth.
Easy breezy. No big deal.
All right.
You are okay to recover here in your cabin.
Now, I did have to dislocate your elbow to get your arm out.
We reset it, but there was an extensive humerus fracture also.
Huh. Doesn't feel that funny.
I thought being a lesbian would spare me from a lifetime of dad jokes,
but no such luck.
That being said, it is a relatively clean break,
so it should heal up nicely.
How is it feeling?
Terrible.
Throbbing, aching, radiating.
Well, that's great news.
It means you didn't suffer any permanent nerve damage.
You have those painkillers?
Thank you.
And thank you also for not cutting off my arm.
What exactly happened down there?
Well, when I was about to make the first incision,
I could tell by the tension in your forearm that you were making a fist.
Clenching and gripping. It's our body's automatic response to panic.
Or seeing shiny coins.
And then it occurred to me, if you were to release your fist,
that small change in position, with a little force,
I might be able to squeeze you out.
In the face of death, all you have to do is relax.
When it heals, will I be able to play piano?
Well, I don't see why not.
Oh, good. I never could before.
- Ah. - You see what I'm dealing with?
Yeah.
Well, you might've almost died in a cave,
but I spent the night on the beach getting eaten alive by sand flies,
so we both had a rough night.
When you were on safari, did you get any bites from the tsetse fly?
Small red bumps on your wrists or ankles?
No. No, I don't think so.
We were really religious about bug spray and long pants and mosquito netting.
There was that one night the boys wanted to sleep under the stars.
Yeah, they came crawling back into the yurt at, like, 3:00 a.m.,
itching like junkyard dogs.
We think they have trypanosomiasis. African sleeping sickness.
It causes dramatic changes in sleep patterns, difficulty speaking.
It causes erratic changes in behavior.
Well, at least they're confined to their beds.
Hi. Hey.
How you feeling?
- Oof. Like I died and came back to life. - Yeah.
You guys had us believing in monsters there for a second.
Just rest, recover, get better. Take as much time as you need.
Thanks, babe.
Well, uh-- Speaking of time, how much time will they need?
- It's just we have-- - We have couples rock climbing at 3:30.
- They're coveted slots, so... - Yeah.
- Um... - Oh, uh, just give me one second.
- Can I talk to you for a second? - Yeah, what's up?
It's Tristan. I don't know, he's acting really weird.
Oh, yeah.
- Right on schedule. - Hmm?
I've seen this a thousand times.
He's Prince Charming as long as he thinks he's never gonna see you again,
but now that you're here, he's afraid he'll get too close.
Yeah, getting too close hasn't really been the issue.
This is something different.
Co-Come see for yourself.
He wanted me to help with his costume, so I came to his room,
and it looks like he's been in there all day.
Mmm, boy.
Kind of even smells like the 17th century.
It's very immersive.
Hey, buddy.
Demons.
You're both demons.
No, it just us.
Um...
We're here to help you.
I'm just asking you, as a friend,
have you taken anything?
Pills? Powders?
- I've taken nothing. - Okay.
You have taken everything from me.
You know that?
What will you not take?
I will win this contest. I will win.
I will win this contest. I will.
It's not drugs.
It's fumes.
- We need to get him out of here now. - I'll not lose--
Come on.
Baby, you're beautiful.
- Oh... - Do you know that?
Oh.
We need to get him on oxygen therapy.
What's wrong with him?
The white gas that he was using in the lanterns.
When you burn it, it turns to carbon monoxide.
Burning three lanterns nonstop in an unventilated space
is a great way to give yourself carbon monoxide poisoning.
Symptoms of which are dizziness, hallucinations, paranoia and...
- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! - ...wackadoo behavior.
The costume contest.
Costume contest later, infirmary first.
Which I might have an idea for.
The tally has been taken,
and the winner of the $500 duty-free shopping spree
and three excursion passes good at any port is...
the adorable Mister Captain Stubing from The Love Boat!
Go get 'em, Son.
Whoo! Go, Tristan!
You know I only let him wear that 'cause he almost died.
But nobody wears that uniform but me ever again.
There he is!
- Our boy's a winner. - Oh!
We will be taking those excursion passes.
Ask and you shall receive, my friend.
Okay, so...
You guys are the best.
I, uh... I really don't know what else to say.
Aves, your costume game's kind of improving.
Hmm.
- Nurse-feratu and Doctor-Acula... - Mmm.
- ...at your service. - Mmm.
I dig it.
Thanks for saving the day, Cap.
And even though you hate Halloween, huh?
No, I don't hate Halloween.
I-I don't hate anything.
I just don't like to be reminded of...
...regrets, man.
When you have kids, I want you to remember this.
Childhood is fleeting,
and if you blink, you'll miss the whole damn thing.
Every single Halloween, I was away at sea.
And so when I see a ship full of these fools having fun,
it just reminds me of all the fun I missed.
It kinda kills me a little bit, actually.
Well, listen, Cap, you might've missed all those Halloweens,
but you really came through for me this year.
So, thanks,
Cap.
Or Ship Dad.
Can I call you that?
- You most certainly may not. - Okay.
Just get my uniform back to my cabin cleaned.
- All right. - Now get out there and dance.
Understood.
Oh, yes. Yeah.
- Nurse-feratu. - Doctor-Acula.
♪ There's something in the air ♪
♪ You feel it everywhere ♪
♪ I'm going up Something special tonight ♪
♪ So watch out ♪
♪ You won't believe your eyes ♪
♪ Abracadabra ♪
♪ You know it's comin' right at ya ♪
♪ It's magic ♪
♪ Got you under my spell ♪
♪ It's magic ♪
♪ You know I do it so well ♪
♪ It's magic ♪