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[Fern] Please welcome to the stage
Fern Brady!
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[cheering]
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[whistling]
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Hello!
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Welcome to my show! [laughs]
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Autistic Bikini Queen.
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Probably the worst title for a stand-up
show I've ever come up with, uh,
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especially given it attracts an audience
that tend to take things literally.
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I'm very sorry.
Almost none of the show is about autism.
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I am, uh, a... real autistic though.
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I got my certificate
for Best Autistic Ever, A*,
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during the lockdown.
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It's been really hard for me, uh,
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ever since I started
telling people I've got it,
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'cause there's not a lot of representation
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of hot women
within the autistic community,
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so I figured, "Be the change
you want to see in the world."
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It's just me
and Greta Thunberg, representin'.
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She solves the climate crisis.
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I continue to do
meaningless jokes about come.
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We can't all be heroes.
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Just briefly, 'cause like I said,
the show isn't about autism,
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but just briefly, the way it works for me
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is my version
of highly efficient communication
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seems to be a lot of people's version
of very rude indeed.
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And that's even when I'm tryin' to be...
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That's when I'm tryin' to be
a good person.
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That's when I'm tryin'
to help people out in my life.
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Like, I was tryin'
to comfort my mum one time.
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She was cryin'
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'cause my gran had just been
taken into hospital with dementia.
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Hey, it happens.
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Now, I don't like touchin' or huggin'
my mother in any way whatsoever.
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Why would I?
I'm not datin' the woman. Disgusting!
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- [laughter]
- Hah!
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I'm not gonna touch my mum!
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So, as a compromise, I put my hand
on the woman's shoulder at arm's length.
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It's kinda the same thing.
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And I said, "Mum,
things will only get worse from here."
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[laughter and scattered applause]
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Who's clappin' that? [laughs]
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She didn't laugh and clap like you guys.
In fact, she cried harder. [chuckles]
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I know now what I'm supposed to do.
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'Cause whenever I make a social faux pas,
I read up on what you're supposed to do.
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What you're supposed to do
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is tell a comfortin' little lie,
aren't ya?
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Some sort of phony platitude.
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Somethin' along the lines of,
"Don't worry, Mum."
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"There's always hope.
Rainbows in the sky."
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"Who knows? You coulda sat Gran
by a window on a sunny day."
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"She'll enjoy the rays of sun
upon her face
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while her brain deteriorates to slime."
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[laughing] Oh no!
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I don't like the feelin' of lyin'.
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I can lie.
It's just that any time I attempt it,
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I always make the lie implausibly big.
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It's always somethin'
along the lines of, "Don't worry, Mum."
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"Gran's gonna be appearin'
on The Chase a week from now."
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[laughter]
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"Pack up her wee nightie."
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"Wheel her out the hospital.
It's gonna be A-OK." [chuckles]
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Oh dear.
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Neurotypical people, by the way,
you guys have a...
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what I would describe
as a pathological tendency
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to try and smooth things over at any cost.
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So sometimes, when I say
to a neurotypical person I'm autistic,
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they'll say back to me,
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"Don't worry, Fern. It's a superpower."
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And I'm like, "Is it?"
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"Is it really a superpower?"
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"Would it have been as good a film
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if Superman,
instead of having superhuman strength
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and being able to fly around the world
at a moment's notice,
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instead monologued at you
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about the 1960s depressive poet
Sylvia Plath,
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with no ability to register
your disinterest in any way whatsoever?"
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[scornfully] Superpower.
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Another important thing
I found out about my identity...
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'Cause I always get described as
"Scottish comedian Fern Brady,"
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and it always grates on me
because Brady is a very Irish surname.
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Uh, I knew
that my family were quite Irish.
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Uh, I really... Like, Scottish comedians,
a lot of Scottish people I meet,
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they're into Burns Night,
they love St. Andrew's, kilts, haggis.
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I really can only connect with you
if you, too, are a Catholic.
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If you had a pedophile sing a cappella
at you every Sunday...
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[chants] ♪ In the unity
Of the Holy Spirit ♪
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♪ Almighty Father ♪ [chuckles]
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...you're my kind of people.
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So I found out... I did a DNA test, right?
One of those online DNA tests.
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Knew I was a bit Irish.
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98.3% Irish!
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- [woman] Same!
- Never lived in Ireland. Yes, high-five!
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Neither of my parents lived in Ireland.
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This is a testimony
to the power of sectarianism in Scotland.
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It's just Catholics inbreedin'
with Catholics again and again and again.
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Faces gettin' hairier
with each generation.
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I've never been happier not to be British.
I was delighted not to be British.
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I'm only 1.7% British, and to be honest,
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that's from when
a homeless guy spat in my eye
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when I first moved to London.
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Been goin' to the gym a lot.
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Uh, I've been tryin'
to go to the gym a lot,
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'cause people
take pictures of me when I'm performin',
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and I want to die when I see them.
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And, uh, I got banned
from my local gym in London
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after I tried to fight a man
who told me how to deadlift correctly.
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So...
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[chuckles] For real!
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I feel like wearin' a T-shirt that says,
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"No matter what you see me doing
with a barbell,
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do not approach me,
even if I'm doin' this."
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- [laughter]
- "Don't talk to me."
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I don't know how they're gonna get that
on a T-shirt, but you know what I mean.
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I have to save up my gym visits
for when I go on tour to Scotland,
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where the gyms, they're so luxurious,
I want to move home.
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Know why? They're just empty.
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Just...
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leaves blowin' through them.
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There is no Scottish man will dare tell me
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how to squat with form in a Scottish gym.
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The only men in Scottish gyms look like
they've been referred there by their GPs
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after a heart attack or a health crisis.
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It's fantastic.
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'Cause I'm very health-conscious.
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People are always surprised,
uh, when I say this.
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I'm a very health-conscious person,
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and I'm gettin' that way more so,
uh, 'cause I'm old,
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and this is a young woman's game.
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"I'm so old. I'm so depressed
to be doin' this show, and I'm so old."
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- "I'm 36. I know that's..."
- [man laughs]
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Yeah, is that an old man laughin' at that?
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[laughter]
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I could just see your little... little
gray face goin', "That's no age at all!"
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"You look like a fetus to me!"
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How dare you? [chuckles]
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I'm sorry, I know it's not too old,
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but 36, it is one of those ages
where you have to start acceptin',
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as a woman, certain things
aren't gonna happen for you in life.
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Your life isn't gonna look exactly
the way you always pictured it to look.
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'Cause I really always
pictured myself to be,
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and I mean this sincerely,
the type of person who attends...
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Do you know those masked,
invite-only orgies
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for middle-class people?
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[laughter]
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Eyes Wide Shut scenario?
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I know you know what they are.
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I truly thought I was gonna have attended
one of them by this point in my life.
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It's not that I'm not gonna attend an orgy
now I'm in my mid to late thirties.
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More that the quality of my orgy invite
starts to decline pretty rapidly
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from here on in, you know?
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It's not gonna be a masked ball now.
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It's gonna be a grimy swingers' event
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that I see advertised on Gumtree in...
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somewhere hellish
and godforsaken, like Swindon.
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[gasping and laughter]
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I've never been to Swindon.
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I just know that the train gets better
when they all get off. [laughs]
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- [applause]
- No.
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"I don't feel frightened now!" [laughs]
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I'm gonna have to go
to this orgy in Swindon.
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Some chubby plumber's
gonna serve me bacon Frazzles, not...
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not from the bone china that I wish for,
but from a polystyrene bowl.
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I'll have to nosh him off.
I'll give him a gobble.
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I'll do it gratefully,
with my sagging, aged face
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sinking... sinking towards the grave.
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Death is comin'. The body knows it.
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That's what hard about this age. Your face
starts to get too baggy for your skull.
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More and more of my selfies
have to be taken at this angle
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so my face can fall back into my ears,
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and I can see the real Fern once more.
[laughs sadly]
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My breasts used to be fantastic.
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I'm sorry if that makes
any of youse uncomfortable, uh,
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but they were crackin', 24/7.
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Didn't have to worry about what those guys
were up to, 'cause they were just...
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And then, during lockdown,
I believe they got depression,
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and like everythin' else, they started
to wither away towards the ground.
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And I had a thought that disturbed me,
and I thought, "Hey, I've got money now."
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"I could get a boob job."
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Then another little voice went, "Nah."
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"Let them rot under your clothes."
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[laughter]
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"They've had their time in the spotlight."
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"Now it's my time to shine."
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Edinburgh 2006.
That was my boobs' best time.
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I was a lap dancer back then.
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They couldn't have wished
for a better life.
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I used to feel bad
saying I was a lap dancer
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to theatergoin' crowds such as yourselves,
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but, look, guys, as the years trundle on
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and you look at what young women
are doin' on OnlyFans,
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or, I'll be honest,
Facebook holiday pictures, you know,
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me saying I was a stripper 15 years ago
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is startin' to seem like telling you
I was a flapper dancer in the 1920s.
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Pretty quaint, innit? [chuckles]
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I kinda always feel
older people in the audience goin',
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"Don't worry. I'd still disown you
if you were my daughter."
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But at the same time, you can feel
any Gen Zers in...
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- Any young people...
- [woman] Whoo!
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Yeah! I'll say "strip club" to you,
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and you'll be like, "What is
this quaint cabaret that you speak of?"
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And then you'll make a porno on TikTok
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and fly off on a hoverboard
into the night sky.
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I don't know
what these young people are up to.
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So, anyway,
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now my boobs are witherin' away
under my clothes
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like two wizened old ladies.
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That's how I like to think of them.
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I like to think of them
reminiscing to each other
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about the glory days
in Scottish strip clubs. [chuckles]
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Like that old woman
at the start of Titanic that's just...
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lookin' back over her life
as a mad shagger.
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[laughter]
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[chuckles]
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They understand.
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That was the plot of Titanic.
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Had a great ride on a boat.
He didn't make it. [laughs]
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"Who cares, man? He was poor!"
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"Get off my wardrobe door, Jack!" [laughs]
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And that's my titties, reminiscin'.
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Two old ladies. "Do you remember, Eileen,
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do you remember
when men used to pay for a look at us?"
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"Oh yes, the glory days."
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"We were up near Fern's ears."
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"Now we are sinking
nearer her belly button,
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sinking closer towards the grave,
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one of us faster than the other,
apparently."
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"I'll catch you up later, babes."
[chuckles]
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"Don't be negative, Agnes."
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"Remember when Colonel Gaddafi's nephews
offered us £40 for a private dance?"
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"Or people claiming to be
from the Gaddafi family." [laughs]
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Good times. [laughs]
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Hey, sometimes audiences think
I've made that Gaddafi bit up
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just to put detail in the set,
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and it's very offensive to me,
'cause I'm, like,
235
00:11:50,280 --> 00:11:54,320
I don't know enough about
Libyan politics to have made that up.
236
00:11:55,120 --> 00:11:57,120
How do you think I know who Gaddafi is?
237
00:11:57,200 --> 00:12:00,240
I met his nephews
that night in Big Daddy O's.
238
00:12:01,840 --> 00:12:02,880
[laughs]
239
00:12:02,960 --> 00:12:05,200
Big Daddy O's, now a Mexican restaurant
240
00:12:05,280 --> 00:12:08,560
'cause gentrification ruins everything
for perverts. [chuckles]
241
00:12:10,160 --> 00:12:12,760
Anyway, now I'm in my twilight years,
242
00:12:12,840 --> 00:12:16,080
movin' into the second half of my life,
I've realized...
243
00:12:16,160 --> 00:12:17,720
I made a promise to myself
244
00:12:17,800 --> 00:12:21,120
that I'm gonna stop bein' such
a frightened little goose all the time.
245
00:12:21,200 --> 00:12:23,720
'Cause I get told
that I seem confident onstage,
246
00:12:23,800 --> 00:12:28,400
but I'm a very shy person offstage,
and I thought, "It's time to stop."
247
00:12:28,480 --> 00:12:31,560
Uh, I love walkin' around at night
after my gigs.
248
00:12:31,640 --> 00:12:33,960
I like to try and get my steps in.
249
00:12:34,040 --> 00:12:36,640
But if you're a woman
who likes walkin' at night,
250
00:12:36,720 --> 00:12:40,840
I feel like every evenin' walk is tainted
by thoughts of your own murder.
251
00:12:40,920 --> 00:12:44,600
It really gets in the way
of the de-stressin' part.
252
00:12:44,680 --> 00:12:48,120
I feel like you guys are like, "No,
we don't think like that all the time."
253
00:12:48,200 --> 00:12:49,240
"We just are normal."
254
00:12:49,320 --> 00:12:51,040
Okay, uh, number one...
255
00:12:51,120 --> 00:12:54,280
There's two reasons I feel frightened
when I'm walkin' around at night.
256
00:12:54,360 --> 00:12:56,480
Uh, number one, I have a father
257
00:12:56,560 --> 00:12:59,960
who is unnaturally preoccupied
with thoughts of my murder.
258
00:13:00,040 --> 00:13:04,080
Uh... I know that parents worry a lot,
but hear me out.
259
00:13:04,160 --> 00:13:07,800
Any time I phone my dad on a walk,
the first thing he says to me is...
260
00:13:07,880 --> 00:13:09,240
[yells] "Don't get murdered!"
261
00:13:09,320 --> 00:13:10,600
- And I'm like...
- [laughter]
262
00:13:11,360 --> 00:13:13,240
"Dream bigger, Dad." [chuckles]
263
00:13:13,960 --> 00:13:14,960
Like...
264
00:13:15,560 --> 00:13:17,040
Uh, women in the audience,
265
00:13:17,120 --> 00:13:19,000
if you get nervous
walkin' around at night,
266
00:13:19,080 --> 00:13:20,800
here's a fact I comfort myself with.
267
00:13:20,880 --> 00:13:23,880
I always try to comfort Dad with it.
He's never comforted by it.
268
00:13:23,960 --> 00:13:26,440
Statistically, you're so much more likely
269
00:13:26,520 --> 00:13:30,320
to be killed by the guy you came
to the gig with tonight, so if anything...
270
00:13:31,440 --> 00:13:35,000
get your wee coat and shoes on,
get out the door and get those steps in.
271
00:13:35,760 --> 00:13:38,640
It's the healthier option
in more ways than one.
272
00:13:39,440 --> 00:13:44,640
Secondly, uh, my dad, uh
has been this way since I was five.
273
00:13:44,720 --> 00:13:46,040
On my first day of school,
274
00:13:46,120 --> 00:13:49,360
he put a whistle attached to the side
of my little schoolbag,
275
00:13:49,440 --> 00:13:51,200
and he went, "Listen, hen."
276
00:13:51,280 --> 00:13:55,160
"Any man tries to take you away today,
blow your wee whistle."
277
00:13:56,000 --> 00:13:57,600
"Blow it hard."
278
00:13:57,680 --> 00:13:59,520
Now, in addition to this
279
00:13:59,600 --> 00:14:03,080
creating the most traumatic
first day of school memory ever,
280
00:14:03,720 --> 00:14:05,120
constantly hypervigilant,
281
00:14:05,200 --> 00:14:07,840
waiting to get bundled into
the back of a van,
282
00:14:07,920 --> 00:14:12,240
was that not like sendin' a soldier
into a battlefield armed with a spoon?
283
00:14:13,600 --> 00:14:14,560
What was I gonna do?
284
00:14:14,640 --> 00:14:17,400
Blow the pedos away
with my merry little tune?
285
00:14:20,520 --> 00:14:24,640
They've already overcome so many taboos
in becoming child kidnappers.
286
00:14:24,720 --> 00:14:26,000
I feel like me going,
287
00:14:26,080 --> 00:14:29,040
"Whoo! Whoo!"
288
00:14:29,120 --> 00:14:30,800
It's not gonna achieve very much.
289
00:14:30,880 --> 00:14:33,520
Instead, it just means
I'm an anxious adult.
290
00:14:33,600 --> 00:14:35,720
And the other reason that I'm frightened...
291
00:14:35,800 --> 00:14:37,960
I think this is
a good reason to be frightened,
292
00:14:38,040 --> 00:14:39,800
is I live in a place called London.
293
00:14:39,880 --> 00:14:41,200
Uh, I've given it...
294
00:14:41,280 --> 00:14:44,880
I mean, right, I've given it ten years.
It's not growin' on me.
295
00:14:44,960 --> 00:14:47,280
I think, after ten years, it's safe to say
296
00:14:47,360 --> 00:14:49,960
you either like people
being horrible cunts or you don't.
297
00:14:50,040 --> 00:14:51,520
- [laughter]
- Like, it's just...
298
00:14:51,600 --> 00:14:53,440
It doesn't grow on you. [chuckles]
299
00:14:54,480 --> 00:14:55,920
It is awful!
300
00:14:56,000 --> 00:14:59,400
It's nothing like
the London I saw on the TV growing up.
301
00:14:59,480 --> 00:15:01,800
I really blame...
not the good people of London.
302
00:15:01,880 --> 00:15:04,080
You know, the comedy scene's
been great to me there.
303
00:15:04,160 --> 00:15:07,520
I blame, uh,
the Richard Curtis universe of films,
304
00:15:07,600 --> 00:15:11,800
which depicts this version
of middle-class Englishness
305
00:15:11,880 --> 00:15:14,760
that I've yet to see
represented in real life.
306
00:15:14,840 --> 00:15:17,120
I grew up watching films that were like,
307
00:15:17,200 --> 00:15:21,320
[posh accent] "My name's Will. I work in a
charming little bookshop in Notting Hill."
308
00:15:21,840 --> 00:15:23,520
"We're all friends on this street."
309
00:15:23,600 --> 00:15:26,320
[as self] "Oh, looks great, Will!
I love books."
310
00:15:26,400 --> 00:15:29,400
"But they batter me for readin' them
up here in Scotland."
311
00:15:30,320 --> 00:15:34,200
"Let me join you and your
conspicuously white group of friends."
312
00:15:36,520 --> 00:15:38,720
I arrived in London. No one was pals.
313
00:15:38,800 --> 00:15:41,080
Will and the bookshop
was nowhere to be seen.
314
00:15:41,160 --> 00:15:44,320
Instead, I live in a part of London
called, uh, Lewisham,
315
00:15:44,400 --> 00:15:46,520
which is devastation everywhere.
316
00:15:46,600 --> 00:15:49,520
People arguin' with pita breads
in the local Tesco.
317
00:15:50,720 --> 00:15:53,800
Me thinking, "Will they have
more friends than me?" [laughs]
318
00:15:54,520 --> 00:15:57,840
A man who chases me through
the local council car park so often,
319
00:15:57,920 --> 00:16:00,520
I don't even change facial expression
when I run.
320
00:16:00,600 --> 00:16:01,880
Uh...
321
00:16:01,960 --> 00:16:04,760
A Muppets Christmas Carol
would be more representative
322
00:16:04,840 --> 00:16:08,440
of the Dickensian hell that is London 2023
323
00:16:08,520 --> 00:16:10,880
than the film Love Actually,
know what I'm sayin'?
324
00:16:10,960 --> 00:16:13,760
Now, again, not to get onto London.
325
00:16:13,840 --> 00:16:17,040
We just need
better representations of it in film,
326
00:16:17,120 --> 00:16:18,520
and here's how I know this.
327
00:16:18,600 --> 00:16:22,240
One of my friends, he went on holiday
from Scotland to New York,
328
00:16:22,320 --> 00:16:24,960
and when he came back,
I said, "How was New York?"
329
00:16:25,040 --> 00:16:26,480
And he went, "Oh, it was amazing."
330
00:16:26,560 --> 00:16:30,320
"The first thing I did when I got there
was I got one of those yellow taxis,
331
00:16:30,400 --> 00:16:32,520
and the taxi driver was a bastard,
332
00:16:32,600 --> 00:16:34,200
just like in the films!"
333
00:16:35,480 --> 00:16:39,560
"You know how they are in the films.
"Fuhgeddaboudit! Get me a coffee!"
334
00:16:39,640 --> 00:16:41,640
[laughter]
335
00:16:44,480 --> 00:16:47,400
They're bastards just like
in the films about New York,
336
00:16:47,480 --> 00:16:49,280
and that was when I had the idea,
337
00:16:49,360 --> 00:16:53,680
"We need better, more accurate
romantic comedies set in London."
338
00:16:53,760 --> 00:16:55,840
We need to see a couple fallin' in love
339
00:16:55,920 --> 00:16:58,480
on the top of the 185 night bus
to Lewisham.
340
00:16:58,560 --> 00:16:59,720
[gasps]
341
00:16:59,800 --> 00:17:03,240
"What's that, Henry? Did you say
you want to build a life with me?"
342
00:17:03,320 --> 00:17:06,960
"Only I couldn't hear you over the sound
of the man saying he's a killing machine
343
00:17:07,040 --> 00:17:08,520
at the back of the bus."
344
00:17:09,840 --> 00:17:13,440
Then the man chases them,
and they flee, gigglin' and holdin' hands.
345
00:17:13,520 --> 00:17:16,240
Then they kiss
in front of a bin that's on fire,
346
00:17:16,320 --> 00:17:20,360
and little girls growin' up in Scotland
point to the TV
347
00:17:20,440 --> 00:17:24,920
and say, "That's where I want to live
when I grow up."
348
00:17:25,000 --> 00:17:26,160
[giggling] "London."
349
00:17:26,680 --> 00:17:30,560
Anyway, I can't just blame London
for bein' frightened all the time,
350
00:17:30,640 --> 00:17:31,640
and I can't move home.
351
00:17:31,720 --> 00:17:35,640
I've got this dream that, at some point,
I'm gonna get to move back home.
352
00:17:35,720 --> 00:17:37,560
But you become too London-ized.
353
00:17:37,640 --> 00:17:42,240
You become just too much
of a horrible bastard to ever leave.
354
00:17:42,320 --> 00:17:45,000
This is how I realized
I was too London-ized.
355
00:17:45,080 --> 00:17:48,400
I was eatin' a big breakfast
in a café in Glasgow,
356
00:17:48,480 --> 00:17:50,720
and an 85-year-old woman
came up behind me,
357
00:17:50,800 --> 00:17:53,600
and she went,
"That looks like a lovely breakfast."
358
00:17:53,680 --> 00:17:56,400
And my immediate instinct
was to huddle over it.
359
00:17:56,480 --> 00:17:57,640
"Get away!"
360
00:17:58,240 --> 00:18:00,840
"You can't have my sausages
or my resources!"
361
00:18:03,920 --> 00:18:06,520
So I just have to stay in London now.
362
00:18:07,120 --> 00:18:09,400
But I'm an anxious person
when I'm on tour.
363
00:18:09,480 --> 00:18:12,480
You know, a lot of this job
is travelin' around on your own,
364
00:18:12,560 --> 00:18:14,400
stayin' in hotels on your own,
365
00:18:14,480 --> 00:18:16,280
and I'm not very good at it.
366
00:18:16,360 --> 00:18:19,440
Like, I was on a train
from Edinburgh to Glasgow,
367
00:18:19,520 --> 00:18:24,560
uh, and there were three very rowdy,
very drunk Scottish men on this train.
368
00:18:24,640 --> 00:18:26,240
Something you should know about me,
369
00:18:26,320 --> 00:18:29,520
despite the strong accent,
I've lived in England 13 years,
370
00:18:29,600 --> 00:18:34,120
so I'm now as frightened
of drunk Scottish people as all of you.
371
00:18:36,480 --> 00:18:38,640
I was lookin' over at these louts.
372
00:18:38,720 --> 00:18:40,920
We were the only one
in the carriage, right?
373
00:18:41,000 --> 00:18:43,160
And I had noise-cancelin' headphones on,
374
00:18:43,240 --> 00:18:45,600
but I was imaginin'
what they were saying about me.
375
00:18:45,680 --> 00:18:47,360
They were definitely saying,
376
00:18:47,440 --> 00:18:50,920
"Let's kill this bitch
as soon as we get off the train."
377
00:18:51,000 --> 00:18:52,680
"Let's do it for fun."
378
00:18:53,960 --> 00:18:54,920
I was tremblin'.
379
00:18:55,000 --> 00:18:57,840
I eased my headphones off
as we pulled into Glasgow,
380
00:18:57,920 --> 00:19:00,720
so I could find out
what their plans were for me.
381
00:19:00,800 --> 00:19:03,760
Do you know what
the ringleader was pointin' and shoutin'?
382
00:19:03,840 --> 00:19:05,160
He was shoutin',
383
00:19:05,240 --> 00:19:07,080
"All I want to know, boys,
384
00:19:07,160 --> 00:19:09,160
what's in brown sauce?"
385
00:19:10,280 --> 00:19:11,200
"It's..."
386
00:19:12,400 --> 00:19:14,440
"Nobody can tell you." [chuckles]
387
00:19:15,840 --> 00:19:19,880
That was when I was like, "Number one,
I think my anxiety's gone too far."
388
00:19:20,440 --> 00:19:22,640
"Number two, tamarind, innit?"
389
00:19:22,720 --> 00:19:24,720
- Uh...
- [laughter]
390
00:19:26,920 --> 00:19:29,040
I get it in hotels as well.
391
00:19:29,120 --> 00:19:32,120
Like, I often check in to a hotel
on a Friday,
392
00:19:32,200 --> 00:19:35,520
and I've got the whole weekend
stretchin' out in front of me alone,
393
00:19:35,600 --> 00:19:36,640
doing gigs,
394
00:19:36,720 --> 00:19:38,720
and very often, I'll check in to a hotel,
395
00:19:38,800 --> 00:19:42,160
and I'm the only person there
not on a stag do.
396
00:19:42,240 --> 00:19:45,680
Uh, I checked in to one recently,
and there was, like, 50 of them,
397
00:19:45,760 --> 00:19:47,320
just men at their worst.
398
00:19:47,400 --> 00:19:49,400
No offense to men individually.
399
00:19:50,080 --> 00:19:53,720
But it's very frightenin' when
youse are shoutin', "Lads, lads, lads!"
400
00:19:54,440 --> 00:19:55,920
You've got that group mentality.
401
00:19:56,000 --> 00:19:59,240
Somethin' in my wee woman's brain
just goes, "Oh no, no, no..."
402
00:20:00,240 --> 00:20:02,640
"Don't like this.
Gotta get away from the stags."
403
00:20:02,720 --> 00:20:06,400
And often my nervousness'll get so bad
around stag parties
404
00:20:06,480 --> 00:20:10,040
that I can't even face
eatin' my breakfast around them
405
00:20:10,120 --> 00:20:11,360
because they're so frightenin'.
406
00:20:11,440 --> 00:20:14,400
I'll come down to breakfast,
and I'll make a good go at it,
407
00:20:14,480 --> 00:20:17,560
and then I'll end up just hyperfocusing
on my hot bread
408
00:20:17,640 --> 00:20:20,800
goin' round and round
in the rotatin' toaster of doom!
409
00:20:22,640 --> 00:20:25,520
Then I'll think, "Do you know what?
Leave it. Just leave the breakfast."
410
00:20:25,600 --> 00:20:27,840
"I'm too intimidated by stag parties."
411
00:20:27,920 --> 00:20:31,560
Then, just in the last year,
I went, "Get a hold of yourself, Fern."
412
00:20:31,640 --> 00:20:34,600
"How could you be intimidated
by a stag party?"
413
00:20:34,680 --> 00:20:36,840
"At the end of the day,
it's a group of men."
414
00:20:36,920 --> 00:20:38,760
"They're carryin' out this ritual."
415
00:20:38,840 --> 00:20:41,840
"Yes, they're drinking each other's piss
at the breakfast buffet."
416
00:20:42,600 --> 00:20:45,680
"Yes, they're wearin' the Borat costume
ten years too late."
417
00:20:47,040 --> 00:20:48,360
"They're doin' it all
418
00:20:48,960 --> 00:20:51,720
because one of them loves Sarah."
419
00:20:51,800 --> 00:20:53,000
[laughs]
420
00:20:54,640 --> 00:20:56,320
"He loves her so much,
421
00:20:57,000 --> 00:20:58,640
he's gonna marry her."
422
00:20:58,720 --> 00:21:03,320
"Because he genuinely believes
their love will last forever."
423
00:21:04,640 --> 00:21:06,200
[whispers] "That's pathetic."
424
00:21:06,280 --> 00:21:08,280
[laughter]
425
00:21:11,240 --> 00:21:14,840
How could I be intimidated
by something as pathetic as that?
426
00:21:16,480 --> 00:21:20,000
Just a group of lads
celebrating Darren's love for Sarah.
427
00:21:20,080 --> 00:21:21,120
[spits]
428
00:21:22,160 --> 00:21:25,400
I can't imagine gettin' married
anythin' other than sarcastically
429
00:21:25,480 --> 00:21:29,680
or if Channel 4 paid me to do it
for a twisted reality show.
430
00:21:31,040 --> 00:21:34,680
And this isn't about me bein' cynical,
bitter about men.
431
00:21:34,760 --> 00:21:36,640
I'm amazin' at going out with people.
432
00:21:36,720 --> 00:21:39,720
If anything,
too good at goin' out with people.
433
00:21:39,800 --> 00:21:42,960
I've been goin' out with this guy
for ages, like, ten, 11 years.
434
00:21:43,040 --> 00:21:44,080
Ages, right?
435
00:21:44,160 --> 00:21:46,960
And everyone we know
is gettin' married just now.
436
00:21:47,040 --> 00:21:51,240
Now, even though I'm 36, I think I'm 18,
so I find this a bit dodgy.
437
00:21:51,320 --> 00:21:52,880
I'm always sayin' to him,
438
00:21:52,960 --> 00:21:55,080
"What's with
all these wankers gettin' married?"
439
00:21:55,600 --> 00:21:57,040
"What's with all these people?"
440
00:21:57,120 --> 00:21:59,400
He's like, "Do you mean our best friends?"
"Yeah."
441
00:22:00,720 --> 00:22:04,280
He always responds the same way.
He says, "I've told you before."
442
00:22:04,360 --> 00:22:07,720
"Generally, people get married
because they want the opportunity
443
00:22:07,800 --> 00:22:12,480
to declare their love for one another
in front of all their family and friends."
444
00:22:12,560 --> 00:22:14,800
[laughs] He says that...
445
00:22:14,880 --> 00:22:16,080
I know, right?
446
00:22:16,160 --> 00:22:17,760
[laughter]
447
00:22:17,840 --> 00:22:20,800
I'm laughing, 'cause I would literally
have to be on ecstasy
448
00:22:20,880 --> 00:22:22,440
to do something like that.
449
00:22:24,840 --> 00:22:26,880
Yes, why don't I make a sex tape?
450
00:22:26,960 --> 00:22:28,760
[yells] But with my emotions!
451
00:22:28,840 --> 00:22:30,560
[laughter and applause]
452
00:22:32,040 --> 00:22:35,840
I'm not gonna declare my love
in front of all my family and friends.
453
00:22:35,920 --> 00:22:37,840
Look, you guys, maybe you got married
454
00:22:37,920 --> 00:22:40,880
and you have family and friends
that are nice, normal people
455
00:22:40,960 --> 00:22:43,600
that you feel safe
bringin' together with alcohol.
456
00:22:43,680 --> 00:22:45,000
I don't have that.
457
00:22:45,920 --> 00:22:48,440
I'm not gonna declare my love
in front of Julie,
458
00:22:48,520 --> 00:22:51,520
the random woman from Milton Keynes
Dad married in 2014.
459
00:22:51,600 --> 00:22:53,840
[yells] I don't even know Julie's surname!
460
00:22:55,680 --> 00:22:58,640
And I have to shell out for her
to have salmon or chicken
461
00:22:58,720 --> 00:23:01,880
and then send it back,
'cause that's what Julie does.
462
00:23:05,440 --> 00:23:09,800
I can't... I'm not gonna declare my love
in front of my boyfriend's, uh, uncle,
463
00:23:09,880 --> 00:23:13,680
who was in the IRA
and is a total liability at family events.
464
00:23:13,760 --> 00:23:15,440
[laughter]
465
00:23:15,520 --> 00:23:17,360
So relieved you've heard of the IRA.
466
00:23:17,440 --> 00:23:20,000
They were quite big in the '80s, eh?
[chuckles]
467
00:23:21,800 --> 00:23:23,000
Oh, d'you know what'd be nice?
468
00:23:23,080 --> 00:23:25,200
I want the whole event to be presided over
469
00:23:25,280 --> 00:23:28,720
by this weird little guy
that's not even allowed a girlfriend
470
00:23:28,800 --> 00:23:31,120
and is statistically likely
to be a sex offender.
471
00:23:31,880 --> 00:23:33,440
[yells] How romantic!
472
00:23:33,520 --> 00:23:35,520
[laughter]
473
00:23:37,880 --> 00:23:40,120
Here's what I can't get my head around.
474
00:23:40,200 --> 00:23:42,720
How do you get married a second time
475
00:23:42,800 --> 00:23:45,080
if you messed up your marriage
the first time?
476
00:23:45,160 --> 00:23:47,200
- Dad? And...
- [laughter]
477
00:23:48,600 --> 00:23:50,760
How do you get through the vows
at the second weddin'
478
00:23:50,840 --> 00:23:54,040
without just pissing yourself laughin'?
[chuckles]
479
00:23:54,120 --> 00:23:56,200
How do you say it with any earnestness?
480
00:23:56,280 --> 00:23:59,320
"I promise to love, honor, and obey...
481
00:23:59,400 --> 00:24:01,000
LOL, this time, probs!"
482
00:24:01,080 --> 00:24:03,080
[laughter]
483
00:24:04,880 --> 00:24:08,280
And I... It's...
Honestly, it's not that I'm not romantic.
484
00:24:08,360 --> 00:24:11,240
Uh, it's when I love someone,
I love them hard.
485
00:24:11,320 --> 00:24:12,880
I love them very intensely.
486
00:24:12,960 --> 00:24:17,240
But I don't wanna declare
my special, precious love for my boyfriend
487
00:24:17,320 --> 00:24:19,080
in front of a load of people.
488
00:24:19,160 --> 00:24:21,040
I think it would cheapen it.
489
00:24:21,120 --> 00:24:23,800
Because people fall in love
for different reasons, don't they?
490
00:24:23,880 --> 00:24:27,280
And sometimes people say why
they fell in love at the wedding ceremony.
491
00:24:27,360 --> 00:24:30,080
I don't know. People generally
don't invite me to their weddings.
492
00:24:30,160 --> 00:24:31,920
- I wonder why.
- [laughter]
493
00:24:33,280 --> 00:24:35,760
Sometimes people say
why they fell in love,
494
00:24:35,840 --> 00:24:38,800
and I don't want everyone
rolling their eyes at our reception
495
00:24:38,880 --> 00:24:41,200
when I say, "Oh, we fell in love
496
00:24:41,280 --> 00:24:46,120
after he vastly improved my credit ratin'
over a period of about three years."
497
00:24:46,200 --> 00:24:47,680
[laughter and applause]
498
00:24:48,720 --> 00:24:50,600
"But I gotta say, I fell hard for him
499
00:24:50,680 --> 00:24:53,840
when he canceled his skiing holiday
to get an abortion with me."
500
00:24:53,920 --> 00:24:55,840
"A beautiful story!"
501
00:24:57,680 --> 00:25:01,640
"Disney are makin' it
into an animated film any day now."
502
00:25:02,880 --> 00:25:05,320
"The Abortion Princess." [laughs]
503
00:25:07,240 --> 00:25:09,760
Now, this is
what I like about livin' in England,
504
00:25:09,840 --> 00:25:11,600
is you can say "abortion,"
505
00:25:11,680 --> 00:25:14,320
and people don't chase you out
with, uh, pitchforks
506
00:25:14,400 --> 00:25:15,800
as they would in Scotland.
507
00:25:15,880 --> 00:25:19,680
In Scotland, you say "abortion,"
they think Jesus is watchin'.
508
00:25:19,760 --> 00:25:23,080
In England, loads of middle-class people,
people with money,
509
00:25:23,160 --> 00:25:25,920
you're like, "Yeah, kill the babies!"
510
00:25:26,000 --> 00:25:27,480
- [man] Whoo!
- [scattered applause]
511
00:25:27,560 --> 00:25:30,520
"Get your degree.
Social mobility all the way."
512
00:25:31,200 --> 00:25:32,360
[whispers] Love it.
513
00:25:33,680 --> 00:25:36,760
I don't want youse to think
that I'm not, you know... uh...
514
00:25:36,840 --> 00:25:38,320
that I'm against tradition.
515
00:25:38,400 --> 00:25:41,000
I've got
a very traditional view of marriage,
516
00:25:41,080 --> 00:25:43,480
and I think
it's more traditional than most people,
517
00:25:43,560 --> 00:25:46,360
because I believe that marriage
is about the merging of assets
518
00:25:46,440 --> 00:25:49,320
to form a financial power couple!
519
00:25:50,240 --> 00:25:52,840
- [woman] Whoo!
- I saw you noddin' there. [chuckles]
520
00:25:52,920 --> 00:25:54,680
[laughs loudly]
521
00:25:54,760 --> 00:25:58,280
That was what it was invented for.
It was, uh, bringin' farms together,
522
00:25:58,360 --> 00:26:01,600
bringin' family power together,
bringin' money together.
523
00:26:01,680 --> 00:26:04,760
Love didn't come into it, man.
They just threw that in down the line
524
00:26:04,840 --> 00:26:08,000
to trick women into doin' somethin'
that's no good for them.
525
00:26:08,600 --> 00:26:10,120
Guys, it benefits you.
526
00:26:10,200 --> 00:26:12,880
We check your moles.
It's quite an unfair deal.
527
00:26:13,520 --> 00:26:16,640
We check the moles on your back.
It doesn't benefit women.
528
00:26:18,440 --> 00:26:21,520
The love part of marriage is a trick.
Love is a delusion,
529
00:26:21,600 --> 00:26:23,680
as evidenced by the number of women
530
00:26:23,760 --> 00:26:27,080
who think other women are trying to steal
their ugly boyfriends and husbands
531
00:26:27,160 --> 00:26:28,600
on a Saturday night.
532
00:26:28,680 --> 00:26:30,200
I'll tell you something now.
533
00:26:30,280 --> 00:26:32,600
It's never women
that are goin' out with male models
534
00:26:32,680 --> 00:26:34,600
that get attacks of sexual jealousy.
535
00:26:34,680 --> 00:26:38,200
No. It's always ones with sea monsters.
536
00:26:39,280 --> 00:26:41,120
Absolute roasters.
537
00:26:41,200 --> 00:26:43,600
The second they've had
a bottle of prosecco,
538
00:26:43,680 --> 00:26:45,680
"You stay away from my Tony!"
539
00:26:45,760 --> 00:26:47,240
[laughter]
540
00:26:47,320 --> 00:26:49,560
"No one wants Big Ugly Tony, babes."
541
00:26:51,200 --> 00:26:54,040
Like, "I'm glad you've pair-bonded."
[chuckles]
542
00:26:55,280 --> 00:26:58,320
"But no one wants Big Ugly Tony,
and by clingin' on to him..."
543
00:26:58,400 --> 00:27:00,880
Like, sexual jealousy is
such an undignified emotion.
544
00:27:00,960 --> 00:27:03,040
If you love someone, set them free.
545
00:27:03,120 --> 00:27:04,800
I'm always saying that to my boyfriend.
546
00:27:04,880 --> 00:27:06,560
"Go! Go! Leave!
547
00:27:07,240 --> 00:27:08,760
"Have an affair!" [laughs]
548
00:27:09,760 --> 00:27:12,640
Set them free.
Don't cling on to Big Ugly Tony.
549
00:27:12,720 --> 00:27:15,720
By doing so, you look like
you're cradlin' a big dirty jobby.
550
00:27:15,800 --> 00:27:17,800
- And it's not a good look.
- [laughter]
551
00:27:20,880 --> 00:27:24,600
I was gonna get a civil partnership
for my ten-year anniversary.
552
00:27:24,680 --> 00:27:27,320
You can do that now
instead of gettin' married.
553
00:27:27,400 --> 00:27:29,640
Uh, I was gonna get a civil partnership,
554
00:27:29,720 --> 00:27:32,760
uh, and I started fillin' out
the forms for it.
555
00:27:32,840 --> 00:27:34,880
You have to fill them out.
They're really borin'.
556
00:27:34,960 --> 00:27:38,240
You have to sorta be powered through it
by romance and stuff.
557
00:27:38,320 --> 00:27:41,760
[sighing] So I was filling it out,
thinking of romance and love,
558
00:27:41,840 --> 00:27:43,600
and then I got to the final page,
559
00:27:43,680 --> 00:27:46,880
and I just realized
that I'd left my debit card up the stairs,
560
00:27:46,960 --> 00:27:48,920
and I just slammed the laptop shut.
561
00:27:49,640 --> 00:27:52,560
Fuck it. Love is powerful,
but not as powerful
562
00:27:52,640 --> 00:27:55,800
as this Netflix documentary
about Pamela Anderson.
563
00:27:57,920 --> 00:28:00,280
I am gonna get
this civil partnership though.
564
00:28:00,360 --> 00:28:02,200
I've been meaning to get around to it,
565
00:28:02,280 --> 00:28:04,200
purely because, at the end of the day,
566
00:28:04,280 --> 00:28:07,480
I want
what every other little girl wants, man.
567
00:28:07,560 --> 00:28:12,400
I want to transfer the right of my father
to switch off my life-support machine
568
00:28:12,480 --> 00:28:14,080
over to my partner.
569
00:28:14,160 --> 00:28:15,960
[laughter]
570
00:28:16,040 --> 00:28:17,920
'Cause if I'm in a vegetative state,
571
00:28:18,000 --> 00:28:20,480
I trust that my boyfriend's
a pragmatic guy,
572
00:28:20,560 --> 00:28:23,160
and he'll have the decency
to turn my machine off
573
00:28:23,240 --> 00:28:26,080
or smother me with a pillow
while the doctor's out the room
574
00:28:26,160 --> 00:28:28,480
and serve a short-to-medium jail sentence
575
00:28:28,560 --> 00:28:31,280
after we launch
a successful Guardian campaign.
576
00:28:31,800 --> 00:28:33,080
[laughter]
577
00:28:33,160 --> 00:28:36,480
My dad's a hardcore Catholic.
He's against euthanasia.
578
00:28:36,560 --> 00:28:37,920
He's made that clear.
579
00:28:38,000 --> 00:28:40,760
If anythin' happens to me
when I'm unmarried,
580
00:28:40,840 --> 00:28:43,040
you know what Dad's gonna be doing, man.
581
00:28:43,120 --> 00:28:44,960
Wheeling me back and forth.
582
00:28:45,040 --> 00:28:46,640
Disneyland. To Lourdes.
583
00:28:46,720 --> 00:28:49,480
Back to Disneyland, back to Lourdes,
584
00:28:49,560 --> 00:28:52,400
forever and ever,
while I try and blink out the message,
585
00:28:52,480 --> 00:28:55,080
"Let's take this matter
to the High Court."
586
00:28:55,160 --> 00:28:57,080
[laughter]
587
00:28:58,760 --> 00:29:01,920
"No, no, our daughter's
still in there somewhere."
588
00:29:02,440 --> 00:29:06,480
"Some days, we sit her by the window
on a sunny day."
589
00:29:07,480 --> 00:29:10,280
"She enjoys the rays of sun upon her face,
590
00:29:10,840 --> 00:29:14,000
as you can tell
from her totally immobile expression."
591
00:29:14,640 --> 00:29:17,200
I'll be fumblin' for my wee whistle
with my mouth.
592
00:29:17,280 --> 00:29:19,200
"Whoooo!"
593
00:29:20,560 --> 00:29:23,800
Trying to blink the code
for "Kill me now, Daddy!"
594
00:29:23,880 --> 00:29:25,320
[scattered laughter]
595
00:29:26,080 --> 00:29:28,760
Glad some of youse like death and decline.
596
00:29:30,440 --> 00:29:32,800
Really brings people together, don't it?
597
00:29:33,520 --> 00:29:36,960
I've been thinking about death a lot
because me and my dad,
598
00:29:37,040 --> 00:29:40,160
we're always talkin' about heaven
and if heaven exists,
599
00:29:40,240 --> 00:29:42,440
and my dad thinks that when we die,
600
00:29:42,520 --> 00:29:45,520
we all become little cherubs
with no bodies,
601
00:29:45,600 --> 00:29:47,720
just wings comin' out our necks.
602
00:29:48,400 --> 00:29:50,600
It's really good hearin'
a working-class Scotsman
603
00:29:50,680 --> 00:29:53,160
try and defend this crackpot theory.
604
00:29:54,360 --> 00:29:57,480
I don't think that happens when we die.
I'm not mental.
605
00:29:57,560 --> 00:30:00,240
I think when we die,
606
00:30:00,320 --> 00:30:05,440
what happens is we all become spirits,
floatin' around in the afterlife,
607
00:30:05,520 --> 00:30:08,400
waitin' for psychic hotlines
to contact us.
608
00:30:08,480 --> 00:30:10,160
[laughter]
609
00:30:10,240 --> 00:30:11,480
That's what happens.
610
00:30:12,160 --> 00:30:14,160
I've contacted
some of those psychics before.
611
00:30:14,240 --> 00:30:17,080
I went to a medium that talks to the dead.
612
00:30:17,160 --> 00:30:18,720
He was a very camp medium.
613
00:30:18,800 --> 00:30:22,320
He was like, "Is there anyone you wanna
get in touch with on the other side?"
614
00:30:22,400 --> 00:30:24,480
And I said, "Yes. Uncle John."
615
00:30:24,560 --> 00:30:27,680
"He was my favorite uncle.
Died when I was a wee girl."
616
00:30:27,760 --> 00:30:28,760
And this guy paused,
617
00:30:28,840 --> 00:30:31,360
like he was really gettin' in touch
with somethin',
618
00:30:31,440 --> 00:30:32,480
and then he went,
619
00:30:32,560 --> 00:30:35,480
"He doesn't really want to talk to you
right now." [laughs]
620
00:30:36,120 --> 00:30:37,640
[laughter]
621
00:30:39,360 --> 00:30:43,440
I'm already insecure about being unpopular
in the world of the living.
622
00:30:44,720 --> 00:30:46,120
So to know that someone
623
00:30:46,200 --> 00:30:50,240
with nothing but eternity
stretchin' out in front of them
624
00:30:50,320 --> 00:30:53,200
still went, "Oh, no,
I can't talk to that bitch,"
625
00:30:54,600 --> 00:30:56,480
it really made me insecure.
626
00:30:56,560 --> 00:30:57,720
But death...
627
00:30:58,520 --> 00:31:01,240
death and decline,
it really changes your views
628
00:31:01,320 --> 00:31:03,320
on things like love and marriage.
629
00:31:03,400 --> 00:31:05,720
'Cause I'm ideologically against marriage.
630
00:31:05,800 --> 00:31:09,480
That probably didn't come across
in the first part of the show.
631
00:31:09,560 --> 00:31:11,560
I'm quite a mild-mannered lady.
632
00:31:12,200 --> 00:31:14,760
It takes nothing to turn that view around.
633
00:31:14,840 --> 00:31:18,280
I was feeling ill at the end of last year,
and my doctor...
634
00:31:18,360 --> 00:31:19,680
I had all these weird symptoms.
635
00:31:19,760 --> 00:31:22,720
My doctor sent me
for an MRI scan of my head.
636
00:31:22,800 --> 00:31:23,880
That's never good.
637
00:31:23,960 --> 00:31:26,960
He phoned me the same night of the MRI.
638
00:31:27,040 --> 00:31:27,920
That's worse.
639
00:31:28,000 --> 00:31:31,280
He said,
"Oh, this is unexpected, Ms. Brady."
640
00:31:31,360 --> 00:31:34,880
"We've found a growth in your brain.
You need to come in immediately."
641
00:31:34,960 --> 00:31:37,640
I didn't even listen to the rest
of what the guy was sayin'.
642
00:31:37,720 --> 00:31:39,920
I just started howling crying.
643
00:31:40,000 --> 00:31:43,880
I was like, "I'm gonna die
just as my career's getting good,
644
00:31:43,960 --> 00:31:47,120
and I've wasted years of my life,
645
00:31:47,200 --> 00:31:48,520
years,
646
00:31:48,600 --> 00:31:51,160
screenshottin' people I hate on Instagram
647
00:31:52,800 --> 00:31:54,760
to WhatsApp to my friends." [laughs]
648
00:31:55,560 --> 00:31:57,760
"State of this cunt." Send.
649
00:31:57,840 --> 00:31:59,320
[laughter]
650
00:32:00,160 --> 00:32:02,600
Oh, but it was a life well lived! [laughs]
651
00:32:03,200 --> 00:32:04,840
[laughter]
652
00:32:04,920 --> 00:32:07,480
I can tell
how many of you have had the same...
653
00:32:08,160 --> 00:32:11,320
We're all gonna have
the same deathbed memories, aren't we?
654
00:32:11,400 --> 00:32:13,200
All our happiest memories in life
655
00:32:13,280 --> 00:32:16,360
will just be of us
lookin' at our phone over the years,
656
00:32:16,440 --> 00:32:18,760
trying not to fall asleep at 3:00 a.m.
657
00:32:18,840 --> 00:32:21,680
"I can understand
this bitch havin' a birthday,
658
00:32:21,760 --> 00:32:23,120
but a birthday week?"
659
00:32:23,200 --> 00:32:24,280
And then...
660
00:32:24,360 --> 00:32:25,680
[laughter]
661
00:32:26,680 --> 00:32:29,360
...you drop the phone
on your massive forehead.
662
00:32:30,160 --> 00:32:34,000
You like your archnemesis' post
with your massive face. [laughs]
663
00:32:34,080 --> 00:32:36,560
- [laughter]
- You don't even follow her! [chuckles]
664
00:32:38,000 --> 00:32:41,040
That's it, that's what catches me out
every time. [laughs]
665
00:32:41,120 --> 00:32:43,880
Well, anyway, so I got
this bad news off the doctor.
666
00:32:43,960 --> 00:32:45,960
I immediately walked up, cryin'...
667
00:32:46,040 --> 00:32:48,440
I walked through to the livin' room
to my boyfriend.
668
00:32:48,520 --> 00:32:51,320
I was like,
"They think I've got brain cancer."
669
00:32:51,400 --> 00:32:52,680
"Do you wanna get married?"
670
00:32:52,760 --> 00:32:55,480
"Do you wanna have
the most heteronormative weddin' ever?"
671
00:32:56,160 --> 00:32:58,520
"I want every degradation.
I wanna wear white."
672
00:32:58,600 --> 00:33:02,200
"I want Dad to walk me up the aisle,
even though he's a mental case."
673
00:33:02,920 --> 00:33:04,760
"I want it all."
674
00:33:04,840 --> 00:33:07,960
And I thought, "Well,
that feminism didn't last long." [laughs]
675
00:33:08,040 --> 00:33:09,520
[laughter]
676
00:33:09,600 --> 00:33:12,640
And my boyfriend,
who's meant to be against marriage, too,
677
00:33:12,720 --> 00:33:14,880
he was like, "Yes, yes, I will."
678
00:33:14,960 --> 00:33:16,400
He was cryin'.
679
00:33:16,480 --> 00:33:17,520
Quite poignant.
680
00:33:17,600 --> 00:33:19,520
Went to the doctor the next day.
681
00:33:19,600 --> 00:33:23,120
This doctor says,
"Ah, good morning, Ms. Brady."
682
00:33:23,200 --> 00:33:26,360
"We think what's in your head
is a small pituitary cyst."
683
00:33:26,440 --> 00:33:29,880
"They're very common. I phoned you
last night to say it was a worrying growth
684
00:33:29,960 --> 00:33:32,240
'cause if it was me,
I would want to know."
685
00:33:32,320 --> 00:33:33,760
[laughter]
686
00:33:33,840 --> 00:33:36,920
"That's not...
that's not what you said last night,
687
00:33:37,000 --> 00:33:41,000
you shit-stirring bitch that thinks
he's in an episode of Casualty."
688
00:33:41,080 --> 00:33:42,200
[laughter]
689
00:33:42,800 --> 00:33:45,760
Know what I mean?
In these hard-pressed times for the NHS,
690
00:33:45,840 --> 00:33:47,600
what maniac phones you up,
691
00:33:47,680 --> 00:33:50,160
"Oh! Oh, you might have brain cancer."
692
00:33:50,240 --> 00:33:51,440
"Sweet dreams"?
693
00:33:51,520 --> 00:33:53,160
[laughter]
694
00:33:53,240 --> 00:33:54,480
Fuckin'...
695
00:33:55,240 --> 00:33:56,720
So I had to leave his office.
696
00:33:56,800 --> 00:34:01,200
I'd already phoned my agent and been like,
"Cancel the tour," and everythin'.
697
00:34:01,280 --> 00:34:02,840
Went back to the house.
698
00:34:02,920 --> 00:34:07,760
My boyfriend was cookin' the dinner.
I said, "Listen, this is embarrassin'."
699
00:34:07,840 --> 00:34:09,440
"I'm not dyin'." [laughs]
700
00:34:10,400 --> 00:34:14,840
I don't know what normal person says,
"This is embarrassin'. I'm not dyin'."
701
00:34:14,920 --> 00:34:18,960
Um, but I said, "They're gonna do
more tests. They're not sure what it is."
702
00:34:19,040 --> 00:34:22,680
"But the... the main point is,
is we got engaged last night, right?"
703
00:34:22,760 --> 00:34:24,880
"We got engaged last night."
704
00:34:24,960 --> 00:34:27,160
He didn't even look up
from stirrin' his dinner.
705
00:34:27,240 --> 00:34:29,520
He went, "Pending diagnosis."
706
00:34:29,600 --> 00:34:31,280
[laughter]
707
00:34:35,640 --> 00:34:38,320
So he's only gonna marry me
if I'm terminally ill,
708
00:34:39,280 --> 00:34:40,880
in case anyone missed that.
709
00:34:41,920 --> 00:34:44,040
Not even the first time this has come up.
710
00:34:44,120 --> 00:34:46,920
Not even the first time...
I don't care about gettin' married.
711
00:34:47,000 --> 00:34:48,400
I honestly don't care.
712
00:34:48,480 --> 00:34:51,000
But there was one time
we were at our friends' weddin',
713
00:34:51,080 --> 00:34:53,560
and I was lookin' at the food
that they were havin'.
714
00:34:53,640 --> 00:34:56,360
They had one of those cakes
made entirely out of cheese.
715
00:34:56,440 --> 00:34:57,440
It looked crackin'.
716
00:34:57,520 --> 00:35:01,760
So I said to him, "What do you think
we'd have to eat on our weddin' day?"
717
00:35:01,840 --> 00:35:04,480
He was like, "Whatever they're putting in
your feeding tube
718
00:35:04,560 --> 00:35:06,240
that afternoon at the hospital."
719
00:35:06,320 --> 00:35:07,920
[laughter]
720
00:35:11,000 --> 00:35:12,400
It's cold.
721
00:35:17,360 --> 00:35:20,680
It's hard goin' out with someone
a long, long time, uh, sometimes.
722
00:35:20,760 --> 00:35:24,520
Like, we broke up about three times
during the lockdown.
723
00:35:24,600 --> 00:35:26,000
Uh, we got back together
724
00:35:26,080 --> 00:35:28,760
'cause I couldn't face
startin' over again in my thirties.
725
00:35:28,840 --> 00:35:30,440
[groans]
726
00:35:30,520 --> 00:35:31,560
Love is powerful,
727
00:35:31,640 --> 00:35:34,720
but not as powerful as
a five-year fixed-rate interest mortgage.
728
00:35:34,800 --> 00:35:36,280
Not in these times.
729
00:35:38,960 --> 00:35:40,520
I just couldn't do it.
730
00:35:40,600 --> 00:35:44,200
I was takin' to fit guys online.
I was talkin' to famous guys.
731
00:35:44,280 --> 00:35:45,880
I can't tell you who. [laughs]
732
00:35:46,960 --> 00:35:49,320
But I thought,
"Hey, it's time to start over."
733
00:35:49,400 --> 00:35:50,680
"Get a famous boyfriend."
734
00:35:50,760 --> 00:35:53,560
"Do branded partnerships with him
on Instagram."
735
00:35:54,120 --> 00:35:55,760
"Get rid of that little prick."
736
00:35:55,840 --> 00:35:57,720
[laughter]
737
00:35:57,800 --> 00:36:00,400
And then I just thought,
"I can't. I can't start over."
738
00:36:00,480 --> 00:36:02,360
I cannot be bothered with it.
739
00:36:02,440 --> 00:36:05,040
I know there'd be
all the exciting first dates,
740
00:36:05,120 --> 00:36:06,760
all the thrilling first shags.
741
00:36:06,840 --> 00:36:09,560
But then there's all the other firsts
that come after it,
742
00:36:09,640 --> 00:36:11,160
and I cannot face it.
743
00:36:11,240 --> 00:36:16,360
I cannot face holdin' in my farts again
for 12 to 18 months
744
00:36:16,960 --> 00:36:19,840
until you're quite sure
the person's in love with you.
745
00:36:19,920 --> 00:36:22,080
Then, inevitably,
one sleepy Sunday morning,
746
00:36:22,160 --> 00:36:24,440
you're spoonin' and... phhhbbbth!
747
00:36:25,040 --> 00:36:28,840
"Do you still wanna build a life together,
even though I farted on your balls?"
748
00:36:28,920 --> 00:36:30,000
[kisses]
749
00:36:30,080 --> 00:36:32,080
[laughter]
750
00:36:33,960 --> 00:36:35,920
Too much vulnerability, man. [laughs]
751
00:36:37,360 --> 00:36:40,960
I can't face meetin'
someone's mentally ill mother again
752
00:36:41,040 --> 00:36:43,480
and realizing why
the guy is attracted to me!
753
00:36:43,560 --> 00:36:45,080
[laughter]
754
00:36:45,160 --> 00:36:46,240
[chuckles]
755
00:36:47,240 --> 00:36:50,120
It's good hearing the laughs
of mad women in the audience
756
00:36:50,200 --> 00:36:52,440
that are, "Ha, that's me!" [giggles]
757
00:36:55,840 --> 00:36:59,440
And it's quite nerve-wrackin'
to think of startin' over when...
758
00:36:59,520 --> 00:37:01,760
I mean,
I've been goin' out with someone so long,
759
00:37:01,840 --> 00:37:05,400
datin' apps weren't even invented
when I was last single.
760
00:37:05,480 --> 00:37:07,760
Uh, and I have such a high standard now
761
00:37:07,840 --> 00:37:10,360
when it comes to what I look for
in a partner.
762
00:37:10,440 --> 00:37:14,640
Like, I go out with, uh,
a proper person now, with a proper job.
763
00:37:14,720 --> 00:37:16,200
He's not a male comedian.
764
00:37:16,280 --> 00:37:17,600
Ugh! [spits]
765
00:37:19,120 --> 00:37:23,280
High standards. In my early twenties,
my standards were very low,
766
00:37:23,360 --> 00:37:25,760
and that made dating
a lot of people very easy.
767
00:37:25,840 --> 00:37:27,600
Like, I remember a guy chattin' me up
768
00:37:27,680 --> 00:37:30,600
outside a nightclub in Edinburgh
when I was 21,
769
00:37:30,680 --> 00:37:34,240
and I said, "Listen, man, you don't wanna
get involved with the likes of me."
770
00:37:34,320 --> 00:37:35,880
"I'm actually a stripper."
771
00:37:35,960 --> 00:37:39,000
And he was like,
"That's okay. I've been to prison."
772
00:37:39,080 --> 00:37:40,960
As if that's the same thing!
773
00:37:41,040 --> 00:37:42,360
[laughter]
774
00:37:43,200 --> 00:37:44,600
It's not the same thing, mate.
775
00:37:44,680 --> 00:37:46,640
[yells] One of us is an entrepreneur!
776
00:37:48,480 --> 00:37:50,960
You try spinning titties into gold.
[laughs]
777
00:37:55,720 --> 00:37:58,360
But, you know, it was lovely
gettin' back after a breakup.
778
00:37:58,440 --> 00:38:01,440
You really appreciate the other person
so much more.
779
00:38:01,520 --> 00:38:04,760
You get rid of all your bad habits.
You go on date nights.
780
00:38:04,840 --> 00:38:07,400
You might even have
some bad sexual habits.
781
00:38:07,480 --> 00:38:08,600
Not all the time,
782
00:38:08,680 --> 00:38:11,960
but maybe some of the time,
if you've been going out a long time.
783
00:38:12,040 --> 00:38:15,920
You might rotate through the same
two or three comfortable positions
784
00:38:16,000 --> 00:38:17,560
over and over again.
785
00:38:17,640 --> 00:38:20,320
Maybe ones where you lie on your side
786
00:38:20,400 --> 00:38:22,200
to avoid lookin' in each other's
787
00:38:23,040 --> 00:38:24,480
hate-filled faces.
788
00:38:25,320 --> 00:38:28,280
Thumb your pajama bottoms down
a couple of inches.
789
00:38:29,720 --> 00:38:32,280
Charmlessly present one bum cheek.
[laughs]
790
00:38:33,720 --> 00:38:37,720
Continue to gaze numbly at
whatever screen is in front of your face.
791
00:38:38,400 --> 00:38:40,120
Screenshot another enemy.
792
00:38:41,800 --> 00:38:45,120
Then a little voice
at the back of your head pipes up,
793
00:38:45,200 --> 00:38:48,160
"Can you mute the cat videos
on YouTube, please?"
794
00:38:49,760 --> 00:38:51,920
"I'm trying to concentrate here." [laughs]
795
00:38:53,280 --> 00:38:55,720
You thought,
"Well, young me would never have thought
796
00:38:55,800 --> 00:38:58,800
someone would have to concentrate
on shagging me." [laughs]
797
00:39:00,880 --> 00:39:04,560
Then one of you'll say,
"Let's jazz things up a bit."
798
00:39:04,640 --> 00:39:07,040
"Let's start talking to each other
during sex."
799
00:39:07,120 --> 00:39:10,760
This was his idea.
I already talk rather a lot at work.
800
00:39:11,760 --> 00:39:14,680
He said to me,
"Let's pretend to be other people,"
801
00:39:14,760 --> 00:39:17,680
and he said this mid-coitus, right?
802
00:39:17,760 --> 00:39:21,160
And then... Still shaggin' me,
if you don't know Latin. [chuckles]
803
00:39:21,240 --> 00:39:23,240
[laughter]
804
00:39:24,440 --> 00:39:26,760
Some intellectuals in, thankfully.
805
00:39:27,760 --> 00:39:30,400
...he went, "Who do you want to be?"
806
00:39:30,480 --> 00:39:32,840
And I just panicked, man. I was like,
807
00:39:33,680 --> 00:39:35,080
"Brooklyn Beckham?"
808
00:39:35,160 --> 00:39:36,920
[laughter]
809
00:39:38,240 --> 00:39:40,240
[scattered applause]
810
00:39:43,080 --> 00:39:45,400
I don't know how sexy talk works.
811
00:39:46,320 --> 00:39:49,080
But what I do know is
Brooklyn has a crackin' life,
812
00:39:49,160 --> 00:39:51,760
filled with nepotism
and undeserved opportunity,
813
00:39:51,840 --> 00:39:53,920
thanks to Victoria and David,
814
00:39:54,000 --> 00:39:55,800
and I want a piece of the pie.
815
00:39:58,920 --> 00:40:01,480
That little bastard
does anything he wants. [laughs]
816
00:40:02,440 --> 00:40:05,200
I think he's a chef now. [laughs]
817
00:40:06,800 --> 00:40:10,520
The other day,
I tried doin' sexual talking again,
818
00:40:10,600 --> 00:40:14,720
and I said to my boyfriend,
"What if we pretended I'm a virgin?"
819
00:40:14,800 --> 00:40:17,720
And he was like,
"My imagination's not that good, Fern."
820
00:40:17,800 --> 00:40:19,800
[laughter]
821
00:40:23,120 --> 00:40:26,800
You know, before goin' out with him,
I thought I was a really sexy person
822
00:40:26,880 --> 00:40:28,800
just 'cause I'd had... sex!
823
00:40:28,880 --> 00:40:30,560
Thought I was a real slag.
824
00:40:31,400 --> 00:40:32,920
That's a very Catholic view.
825
00:40:33,000 --> 00:40:35,480
I was like,
"I'm dead sexy 'cause I've had sex."
826
00:40:36,000 --> 00:40:38,840
I'm not. I'm really vanilla.
I'm incredibly borin'.
827
00:40:38,920 --> 00:40:42,800
And I found this out
because I got told off for kink shamin'.
828
00:40:42,880 --> 00:40:45,880
Uh, it was on a podcast
hosted by Gen Zers.
829
00:40:45,960 --> 00:40:48,680
The term "kink shaming" is
such a Gen Z concept.
830
00:40:48,760 --> 00:40:51,200
I can't engage with it
on any serious level.
831
00:40:51,280 --> 00:40:55,280
So the moment they went, "Actually,
Fern, don't kink shame," I was like,
832
00:40:55,360 --> 00:40:59,440
"How about you stop crappin' in each
other's mouths then, you little perverts?"
833
00:41:00,280 --> 00:41:02,280
[laughter]
834
00:41:03,800 --> 00:41:05,240
[chuckles]
835
00:41:05,320 --> 00:41:08,760
That was when I was like,
"Get a Telegraph subscription." [laughs]
836
00:41:10,800 --> 00:41:13,400
But, honestly, like,
this is what I mean about gettin' older.
837
00:41:13,480 --> 00:41:16,280
I'm like, "Is this where young people's
sense of victimhood comes from?"
838
00:41:16,360 --> 00:41:20,000
"That you can't do poo-poo, pee-pee play
without me laughin' at it?"
839
00:41:20,080 --> 00:41:23,280
"In my day, we were out
protestin' against the war!" [laughs]
840
00:41:23,360 --> 00:41:27,000
Uh, I mean, people in my school were.
I think. I don't know. [laughs]
841
00:41:27,800 --> 00:41:30,360
I don't even know
what war I'm referring to there. [laughs]
842
00:41:33,400 --> 00:41:34,920
And look, I'm sorry if...
843
00:41:35,000 --> 00:41:38,160
'Cause we are in a progressive town,
if anyone...
844
00:41:38,240 --> 00:41:40,200
I'm worried
someone's gonna be sittin' at the back
845
00:41:40,280 --> 00:41:43,840
with a little above-the-ear beanie,
and they're gonna have a little...
846
00:41:43,920 --> 00:41:45,600
[laughter]
847
00:41:45,680 --> 00:41:47,120
"Don't kink shame!" [laughs]
848
00:41:48,560 --> 00:41:50,920
And I'm sorry
if you're into the old coprophilia,
849
00:41:51,000 --> 00:41:53,680
but, look,
if you grow up Catholic in Scotland,
850
00:41:53,760 --> 00:41:56,160
it's really one step removed
from being Amish.
851
00:41:56,240 --> 00:41:57,920
You don't have anything like it here.
852
00:41:58,000 --> 00:42:00,440
You've got Jacob Rees-Mogg.
That's your one Catholic.
853
00:42:00,520 --> 00:42:01,600
It's not the same.
854
00:42:02,400 --> 00:42:05,920
So it's quite a miracle
I turned out to be the shagger I am today.
855
00:42:06,000 --> 00:42:07,040
It's quite brave.
856
00:42:07,920 --> 00:42:10,200
'Cause I got told
a lot of sex lies growing up,
857
00:42:10,280 --> 00:42:11,680
and this is one of the biggest ones.
858
00:42:11,760 --> 00:42:13,480
It was told to me by my granny.
859
00:42:13,560 --> 00:42:16,760
She was a very sweet woman
but deeply religious.
860
00:42:16,840 --> 00:42:18,760
She had two types of holy water.
861
00:42:18,840 --> 00:42:21,120
Everyday use. Special occasions.
862
00:42:21,200 --> 00:42:22,720
[laughter]
863
00:42:22,800 --> 00:42:24,560
Death and comas, all right?
864
00:42:24,640 --> 00:42:28,000
She took me aside one day
in the summer holidays when I was 14,
865
00:42:28,080 --> 00:42:29,840
and she looked so uncomfortable.
866
00:42:29,920 --> 00:42:32,160
And I didn't wanna make
my gran uncomfortable.
867
00:42:32,240 --> 00:42:36,200
And she said, "Oh, hen,
I found these things in your room today."
868
00:42:36,280 --> 00:42:39,720
"They're no good. They're no good for you.
You shouldn't have them."
869
00:42:39,800 --> 00:42:42,840
And I thought,
"Uh-oh, she's found my Marlboro Lights."
870
00:42:43,640 --> 00:42:46,080
She hadn't. She'd found a box of tampons.
871
00:42:46,160 --> 00:42:48,160
'Cause I don't know how many of you know...
You know.
872
00:42:48,240 --> 00:42:52,520
Uh, old Irish Catholics believe
that tampons compromise your virginity,
873
00:42:52,600 --> 00:42:53,640
which is bananas
874
00:42:53,720 --> 00:42:57,960
'cause I would kill myself
if a dick in any way resembled a tampon.
875
00:42:58,040 --> 00:43:03,480
And that is not intended to shame
the micropenis community,
876
00:43:04,360 --> 00:43:06,080
none of whom are here tonight anyway.
877
00:43:06,160 --> 00:43:09,440
They're all doing gigs of their own
up and down the country, aren't they?
878
00:43:09,520 --> 00:43:11,280
[laughter and applause]
879
00:43:11,360 --> 00:43:12,360
[chuckles]
880
00:43:12,440 --> 00:43:13,960
- [woman] Whoo!
- [Fern] Aah!
881
00:43:15,160 --> 00:43:17,600
But for real, it's not intended for that.
882
00:43:17,680 --> 00:43:20,240
I just think it's wildly naive
883
00:43:20,320 --> 00:43:22,680
to assume
what a woman looks for in a willy
884
00:43:22,760 --> 00:43:24,600
is what she looks for in a tampon.
885
00:43:24,680 --> 00:43:27,720
I mean,
the nightmare scenarios that would ensue
886
00:43:27,800 --> 00:43:30,480
if willies had absorbency!
887
00:43:30,560 --> 00:43:32,080
[laughter]
888
00:43:33,880 --> 00:43:36,280
No more casual sex with your partner.
889
00:43:36,360 --> 00:43:38,360
'Cause now, if he's a bit slobby,
890
00:43:38,440 --> 00:43:40,800
you have to nag him
any time you want to have sex,
891
00:43:40,880 --> 00:43:42,920
"Will you go wring your willy out
in the sink?"
892
00:43:43,000 --> 00:43:44,320
"'Cause it's drippin'."
893
00:43:44,400 --> 00:43:45,800
[laughter and gasping]
894
00:43:45,880 --> 00:43:48,440
He'd have to haul himself out of bed,
895
00:43:48,520 --> 00:43:52,080
feelin' dejected,
feelin' emasculated, feelin' ashamed.
896
00:43:52,160 --> 00:43:53,720
Trudge off to the bathroom.
897
00:43:53,800 --> 00:43:56,480
"I'm sorry, man.
I went for a run in the rain,
898
00:43:56,560 --> 00:43:59,040
and it's soaked through
my joggin' bottoms."
899
00:44:01,880 --> 00:44:04,560
He'd have to take
his bloated, spongy willy,
900
00:44:06,000 --> 00:44:08,320
drape it over the edge of the sink,
901
00:44:08,400 --> 00:44:10,800
and then wring it out dejectedly,
902
00:44:11,480 --> 00:44:14,320
like a barman's dishrag
at the end of a shift.
903
00:44:16,840 --> 00:44:18,280
He'd trudge back to bed.
904
00:44:18,360 --> 00:44:21,760
You'll be lyin' there with your hands
protectively over your boobs.
905
00:44:21,840 --> 00:44:24,480
"Stop drippin' it
on the new wooden floors!"
906
00:44:25,600 --> 00:44:26,920
"Well, we can have sex now."
907
00:44:27,000 --> 00:44:28,880
"I don't even feel like it anymore."
908
00:44:29,800 --> 00:44:32,920
You'd say, "I just want a guy
that can keep his dick dry." [laughs]
909
00:44:34,200 --> 00:44:36,840
It'd become
a conversation topic amongst women.
910
00:44:36,920 --> 00:44:39,520
"Yeah, her new boyfriend,
he don't keep his dick dry."
911
00:44:40,560 --> 00:44:42,880
Nicki Minaj would write
a hit song about it.
912
00:44:44,320 --> 00:44:46,400
"My Man Keeps His Dick Dry." [laughs]
913
00:44:49,600 --> 00:44:52,040
It's good goin' out with someone
a long time.
914
00:44:52,120 --> 00:44:55,160
It's really comfortin'
to be able to come back from tour
915
00:44:55,240 --> 00:44:56,480
and lounge around the house
916
00:44:56,560 --> 00:44:59,280
wearing your boyfriend's hoodie,
like a girly girl.
917
00:44:59,360 --> 00:45:03,000
But the other day, I'd been wearin'
his hoodie for, like, a solid week,
918
00:45:03,080 --> 00:45:05,600
'cause I'm a skank,
and it was gettin' stinky.
919
00:45:06,360 --> 00:45:10,080
I said to him... He was doing the laundry,
and I said, "There's your hoodie, pal."
920
00:45:10,160 --> 00:45:12,240
And he said, "That's not my hoodie, Fern."
921
00:45:12,320 --> 00:45:16,080
That was when I thought, "Right enough.
You're quite a small-framed man."
922
00:45:16,160 --> 00:45:18,360
I'm actually wearin' the very large hoodie
923
00:45:18,440 --> 00:45:21,080
of my elderly Albanian builder, and...
924
00:45:21,160 --> 00:45:22,520
[laughter]
925
00:45:22,600 --> 00:45:25,200
...had been doing so for a week
926
00:45:25,280 --> 00:45:27,080
in front of the builder...
927
00:45:29,000 --> 00:45:30,640
like a psychopath.
928
00:45:35,600 --> 00:45:37,600
Offerin' him cups of tea
929
00:45:38,560 --> 00:45:39,920
wearing his clothes.
930
00:45:42,640 --> 00:45:46,160
Askin' him how the tiling in the en suite
was coming along,
931
00:45:46,240 --> 00:45:47,480
dressed as him!
932
00:45:50,800 --> 00:45:53,760
But never mentionin' it for a whole week,
933
00:45:54,360 --> 00:45:57,640
just so the guy thought
his mind was playing tricks on him.
934
00:45:58,520 --> 00:45:59,520
[sighs]
935
00:46:00,880 --> 00:46:02,000
Oh God.
936
00:46:03,120 --> 00:46:05,560
That's my way of saying
I got a house, right?
937
00:46:05,640 --> 00:46:06,760
I got a house.
938
00:46:07,960 --> 00:46:09,760
It's great. You have a house.
939
00:46:09,840 --> 00:46:12,360
A landlord can't tell you
what to do anymore.
940
00:46:12,440 --> 00:46:15,920
I thought, "Right, man. The first thing
I'm gonna do is get a dog."
941
00:46:16,000 --> 00:46:18,240
I love dogs. I'm a dog person.
942
00:46:18,320 --> 00:46:19,520
Not a cat person.
943
00:46:19,600 --> 00:46:21,240
I had a cat once at uni.
944
00:46:21,320 --> 00:46:22,600
Uh, it was dreadful.
945
00:46:22,680 --> 00:46:26,160
Uh, well done if you've got a rescue cat
and you get on with it.
946
00:46:26,240 --> 00:46:28,440
This cat I got was satanic.
947
00:46:28,520 --> 00:46:31,120
It hissed at me.
It let me touch it once a week.
948
00:46:31,200 --> 00:46:33,880
It was like living with
a cold Russian whore.
949
00:46:35,000 --> 00:46:37,200
[laughing] Sex worker. Sorry.
950
00:46:38,520 --> 00:46:40,080
[laughs]
951
00:46:41,280 --> 00:46:45,320
But it was a... it was a mean cat,
so I was like, "I'm gonna get a wee dog."
952
00:46:45,400 --> 00:46:48,920
And then my boyfriend said,
"You can't. You're away on tour too much."
953
00:46:49,000 --> 00:46:49,960
"Get a cat."
954
00:46:50,040 --> 00:46:51,840
Well, I got a cat.
955
00:46:51,920 --> 00:46:53,800
I got a fancy, luxury cat.
956
00:46:53,880 --> 00:46:56,960
Uh... I didn't get
the kind that attacks you for no reason.
957
00:46:57,040 --> 00:47:00,200
I got a lobotomized pedigree cat
958
00:47:00,280 --> 00:47:02,760
that just... you just cradle
like a mental patient.
959
00:47:02,840 --> 00:47:04,200
It's amazin'.
960
00:47:04,280 --> 00:47:07,600
I love this cat
more than either of my parents.
961
00:47:07,680 --> 00:47:09,440
Within six months,
962
00:47:09,520 --> 00:47:13,040
I had a plumber come round,
and he said that the cat looked lonely.
963
00:47:13,120 --> 00:47:16,200
He just made this passing comment,
the cat looked lonely.
964
00:47:16,280 --> 00:47:18,960
I immediately bought another cat
to help the first cat.
965
00:47:19,040 --> 00:47:22,000
I love my cat so much,
I bought him a pet cat, right?
966
00:47:24,240 --> 00:47:26,680
I love him more than you could ever know.
967
00:47:26,760 --> 00:47:28,760
In spite of this, I'm not a cat person.
968
00:47:28,840 --> 00:47:30,600
I'm a dog person without a dog.
969
00:47:30,680 --> 00:47:32,200
Youse understand, right?
970
00:47:32,840 --> 00:47:34,560
The people in my life don't.
971
00:47:34,640 --> 00:47:35,840
As soon as I got the cats
972
00:47:35,920 --> 00:47:38,400
and I started postin' about them
on Instagram,
973
00:47:38,480 --> 00:47:39,600
people closest to me,
974
00:47:39,680 --> 00:47:42,960
my mum, my best friend of 20 years,
975
00:47:43,040 --> 00:47:45,400
started calling me a cat lady
976
00:47:46,520 --> 00:47:49,760
and buying me disgustin' cat-themed gifts.
977
00:47:51,520 --> 00:47:53,640
Hideous mugs with cats on them.
978
00:47:53,720 --> 00:47:56,800
Tacky paintings of a woman
holding a cat in her lap.
979
00:47:57,320 --> 00:48:00,520
Why would I like that?
That's such an offensive gi...
980
00:48:00,600 --> 00:48:02,480
I love my cats
'cause they're great little guys.
981
00:48:02,560 --> 00:48:04,360
I've raised them
from when they were kittens.
982
00:48:04,440 --> 00:48:08,160
I've cleaned up their mess. I love them
because they have amazing personalities,
983
00:48:08,240 --> 00:48:09,760
not because they're cat-shaped.
984
00:48:09,840 --> 00:48:12,800
It'd be like you guys...
You guys are together, right?
985
00:48:12,880 --> 00:48:15,720
You love him.
You maybe post about him on social media.
986
00:48:15,800 --> 00:48:20,560
I would never dare give you
a calendar of similar-looking bald men...
987
00:48:20,640 --> 00:48:22,720
[laughter]
988
00:48:22,800 --> 00:48:24,360
[laughs] ...and say to you...
989
00:48:24,440 --> 00:48:26,440
[applause]
990
00:48:27,720 --> 00:48:29,720
"Why don't you like your present?"
991
00:48:30,360 --> 00:48:32,920
"They all look vaguely like
the outline of him."
992
00:48:38,800 --> 00:48:42,400
Do you know what? You're not even
really bald, so I'm sorry I said that!
993
00:48:42,480 --> 00:48:44,480
[laughter and applause]
994
00:48:45,680 --> 00:48:47,160
I don't wanna hurt anyone.
995
00:48:47,240 --> 00:48:49,600
Even though I'm quite...
I'm quite an edgelord onstage,
996
00:48:49,680 --> 00:48:51,240
I don't wanna hurt anyone.
997
00:48:52,560 --> 00:48:53,960
[laughs]
998
00:48:57,320 --> 00:48:59,800
So I love my cats an embarrassing amount.
999
00:48:59,880 --> 00:49:01,880
I really hate how much I love them,
1000
00:49:01,960 --> 00:49:04,520
uh, because I've always hated other...
1001
00:49:04,600 --> 00:49:06,360
[laughs] I don't know why this is.
1002
00:49:06,440 --> 00:49:10,280
People that are too, too into animals,
the outcomes are never good.
1003
00:49:10,360 --> 00:49:12,640
Tiger King, the Australian guy...
1004
00:49:12,720 --> 00:49:13,840
[laughs]
1005
00:49:15,240 --> 00:49:17,720
D'you know what I mean?
It doesn't pan out well for them.
1006
00:49:17,800 --> 00:49:20,000
So you don't wanna love animals too much.
1007
00:49:20,080 --> 00:49:25,040
There's also a cliché that autistic people
can connect with animals more,
1008
00:49:25,120 --> 00:49:29,000
and you just love havin' pets
more than neurotypical people,
1009
00:49:29,080 --> 00:49:30,560
and I do feel that way.
1010
00:49:30,640 --> 00:49:34,080
My cats are present with me
in a way that humans aren't.
1011
00:49:34,160 --> 00:49:37,000
They don't judge me
on anything that I say.
1012
00:49:37,080 --> 00:49:40,560
I can do so many things with my cats
that I can't do with my friends.
1013
00:49:40,640 --> 00:49:43,080
I can masturbate in front of them with...
1014
00:49:43,160 --> 00:49:44,560
[laughter]
1015
00:49:44,640 --> 00:49:47,200
...no change in their facial expression.
1016
00:49:49,760 --> 00:49:54,320
You can't do that with your human friends,
unless you're Louis C.K. [laughs]
1017
00:49:55,200 --> 00:49:57,760
- [applause]
- Then you can go back on tour. [chuckles]
1018
00:50:00,200 --> 00:50:03,880
But, yeah, um, it's nice,
it's nice, the home life I've got now.
1019
00:50:03,960 --> 00:50:06,400
I had a very chaotic life
when I was younger,
1020
00:50:06,480 --> 00:50:10,760
and now I have a nice, borin' home life,
just me, the cats, and the boyfriend.
1021
00:50:10,840 --> 00:50:12,560
But still, when you're autistic,
1022
00:50:12,640 --> 00:50:15,120
you still never
really feel like you're gonna fit in.
1023
00:50:15,200 --> 00:50:16,400
But in spite of the fact
1024
00:50:16,480 --> 00:50:19,800
that I feel confidently
that I am, uh, an autistic,
1025
00:50:19,880 --> 00:50:21,960
A* Best Autistic Ever,
1026
00:50:22,040 --> 00:50:25,880
I was really worried about
calling the show Autistic Bikini Queen,
1027
00:50:25,960 --> 00:50:28,440
'cause I thought
you guys would just look at me
1028
00:50:28,520 --> 00:50:30,920
and 'cause I'm not a little boy
holdin' a toy train,
1029
00:50:31,000 --> 00:50:32,840
lookin' sadly at the ground,
1030
00:50:34,640 --> 00:50:37,000
I thought you'd be like,
"She's lyin'." [laughs]
1031
00:50:37,760 --> 00:50:40,360
"To get at that lucrative autistic pound."
[laughs]
1032
00:50:42,320 --> 00:50:44,280
And then I told my best friend, Alison.
1033
00:50:44,360 --> 00:50:47,920
I said, "My audience are gonna think
that I'm not autistic."
1034
00:50:48,000 --> 00:50:51,000
And Alison's really polite,
and she sorta paused for a moment,
1035
00:50:51,080 --> 00:50:54,480
and she said, uh,
"Don't take this the wrong way, Fern."
1036
00:50:55,600 --> 00:50:57,560
"I hope this isn't offensive."
1037
00:50:57,640 --> 00:51:00,280
"You don't need to worry
about that anymore."
1038
00:51:00,800 --> 00:51:02,000
[laughter]
1039
00:51:02,080 --> 00:51:04,280
She was like, "Your audience know
something's up with you
1040
00:51:04,360 --> 00:51:06,960
within a few minutes
of you walking onstage."
1041
00:51:07,600 --> 00:51:09,920
I thought that was
the nicest compliment ever.
1042
00:51:10,000 --> 00:51:11,520
I was so pleased with it.
1043
00:51:11,600 --> 00:51:13,600
'Cause in the run-up to gettin' diagnosed,
1044
00:51:13,680 --> 00:51:16,160
pretty much everyone in my life
was sayin',
1045
00:51:16,240 --> 00:51:18,880
"If you're not autistic,
then what the fuck are you?"
1046
00:51:20,720 --> 00:51:24,000
And then it flipped
the second I got diagnosed,
1047
00:51:24,080 --> 00:51:27,080
and people were like,
"Well, you don't look autistic at all."
1048
00:51:27,160 --> 00:51:29,280
[laughing] I'm like,
"What do you know about it?"
1049
00:51:29,360 --> 00:51:32,320
They have to interview your mum
when you get diagnosed,
1050
00:51:32,400 --> 00:51:33,480
or one of your parents,
1051
00:51:33,560 --> 00:51:35,640
and they interviewed my mum about it.
1052
00:51:35,720 --> 00:51:39,440
Uh, they were like, "Oh, did she have
any autistic traits as a child?"
1053
00:51:39,520 --> 00:51:42,240
My mum came out with this dropdown list
1054
00:51:42,320 --> 00:51:45,400
of the most Rain Man shit
you've ever heard in your life
1055
00:51:46,640 --> 00:51:48,440
that she hadn't thought to mention.
1056
00:51:48,520 --> 00:51:52,320
She was like, "Oh, um, well,
she used to growl at strangers
1057
00:51:52,400 --> 00:51:54,480
when they spoke to her in the street."
1058
00:51:55,720 --> 00:51:58,720
"But we just thought she was evil."
[laughs mockingly]
1059
00:51:59,560 --> 00:52:02,400
♪ Good old Catholicism
In the Middle Ages ♪
1060
00:52:02,480 --> 00:52:04,800
How was I not drowned at birth?
1061
00:52:06,160 --> 00:52:08,280
"We just thought she was evil." [laughs]
1062
00:52:09,200 --> 00:52:10,600
I also got told...
1063
00:52:11,240 --> 00:52:14,800
I got told I couldn't be autistic
'cause I'd had a boyfriend.
1064
00:52:14,880 --> 00:52:18,720
Uh, 'cause apparently, you have to be
a sea monster to be autistic.
1065
00:52:19,600 --> 00:52:22,760
I thought that one was really mad,
because it kinda presumes
1066
00:52:22,840 --> 00:52:26,120
that men are listenin' to a word
young women are sayin'.
1067
00:52:28,520 --> 00:52:29,760
Like, I'll give you an example.
1068
00:52:29,840 --> 00:52:32,120
No one listens to me
till I got a mic in my hand.
1069
00:52:32,200 --> 00:52:34,200
I remember pulling some guy,
1070
00:52:34,280 --> 00:52:37,840
some idiot I met in a backpackers' hostel
when I was a young woman.
1071
00:52:37,920 --> 00:52:40,240
And I pumped him.
Sorry to be vulgar! [laughs]
1072
00:52:41,120 --> 00:52:44,800
And afterwards, he's turned to me,
and he said, "Aah!"
1073
00:52:44,880 --> 00:52:46,720
"How was that for you?"
1074
00:52:46,800 --> 00:52:49,480
And I went,
"Rubbish. Fucking rubbish, mate."
1075
00:52:49,560 --> 00:52:51,960
And he went, "Ah, good." [puffs]
1076
00:52:52,040 --> 00:52:53,840
[laughter]
1077
00:52:54,760 --> 00:52:57,360
Do you think he was listenin' to me?
Do you think he was lookin' for
1078
00:52:57,440 --> 00:53:00,080
the discreet manifestations
in autistic women?
1079
00:53:00,160 --> 00:53:01,160
No!
1080
00:53:02,560 --> 00:53:03,920
But, anyway, look,
1081
00:53:04,000 --> 00:53:08,200
uh, I... I'm finally starting to feel okay
with my autism.
1082
00:53:08,280 --> 00:53:10,240
Uh, but you still feel left out, you know?
1083
00:53:10,320 --> 00:53:12,720
You still feel like
you don't fit in with other women.
1084
00:53:12,800 --> 00:53:15,200
I've given up trying
to fit in with other women, by the way.
1085
00:53:15,280 --> 00:53:17,920
Any time I do,
it just backfires even worse.
1086
00:53:18,000 --> 00:53:21,800
But the combination
of wanting to fit in somehow
1087
00:53:21,880 --> 00:53:25,200
and my recent near-death experience,
you know,
1088
00:53:25,280 --> 00:53:27,040
it's made me want to do somethin'
1089
00:53:27,120 --> 00:53:29,920
that makes me feel accepted
onstage every night.
1090
00:53:30,000 --> 00:53:33,440
So I've found a way to do it.
I need one of you guys to help me.
1091
00:53:33,520 --> 00:53:35,760
All through the show,
I've been lookin' at the front row,
1092
00:53:35,840 --> 00:53:38,280
bein' like, "Who looks not insane?"
1093
00:53:39,240 --> 00:53:42,920
"Who looks like they're gonna help me?"
It's quite hard with my audience.
1094
00:53:44,880 --> 00:53:46,000
Can you help me?
1095
00:53:47,040 --> 00:53:48,560
Okay. What's your name?
1096
00:53:49,520 --> 00:53:52,600
Okay, Ollie.
I'm gonna, uh, play some music.
1097
00:53:52,680 --> 00:53:56,160
Can you play something romantic,
something really romantic? Okay.
1098
00:53:56,240 --> 00:53:59,560
- [piano music plays]
- Come up. Give Ollie a round of applause.
1099
00:53:59,640 --> 00:54:01,120
- Take the mic.
- [cheering and applause]
1100
00:54:07,320 --> 00:54:08,320
Okay.
1101
00:54:10,400 --> 00:54:13,080
I see you're with your girlfriend there.
1102
00:54:13,680 --> 00:54:14,800
Yeah...
1103
00:54:14,880 --> 00:54:16,280
[laughter]
1104
00:54:17,320 --> 00:54:19,680
- Don't look at her anymore. [giggles]
- [laughs]
1105
00:54:21,960 --> 00:54:22,960
Ahem.
1106
00:54:23,040 --> 00:54:25,320
[laughing] "Dear... Dear Brooklyn Beckham..."
1107
00:54:25,400 --> 00:54:27,400
[laughter]
1108
00:54:28,680 --> 00:54:31,840
"I wanted your favorite song to be playing
when I did this."
1109
00:54:31,920 --> 00:54:35,600
"Unfortunately, the cost of playing
Shania Twain in a theater was too high."
1110
00:54:35,680 --> 00:54:36,680
It's too high.
1111
00:54:36,760 --> 00:54:39,400
"So we're playing
this generic crap instead."
1112
00:54:39,960 --> 00:54:42,840
[laughs] "You have brought more joy to me
in the last hour
1113
00:54:42,920 --> 00:54:45,320
than my girlfriend has in the last year."
1114
00:54:45,400 --> 00:54:47,320
[laughter]
1115
00:54:47,400 --> 00:54:50,880
"As soon as we leave here tonight,
she's getting dumped, haha."
1116
00:54:53,480 --> 00:54:56,120
- "See ya..."
- She... she looks really happy about it.
1117
00:54:56,200 --> 00:54:57,840
[laughter]
1118
00:54:58,640 --> 00:55:00,520
She's not bothered at all. [chuckles]
1119
00:55:01,160 --> 00:55:02,440
"See ya, babe."
1120
00:55:02,520 --> 00:55:04,320
- Uh...
- [laughter]
1121
00:55:05,840 --> 00:55:07,560
"Our love is so special."
1122
00:55:07,640 --> 00:55:10,120
"You are a beautiful,
sensitive, charming woman,
1123
00:55:10,200 --> 00:55:13,280
and there's no one else
I'd want to fart onto my balls."
1124
00:55:15,520 --> 00:55:18,280
Your voice sounds like
it's trembling with emotion.
1125
00:55:18,880 --> 00:55:20,760
Yeah. Uh...
1126
00:55:20,840 --> 00:55:22,840
[laughter and applause]
1127
00:55:23,800 --> 00:55:27,280
[laughs] "I promise to kiss
your withered tits every day,
1128
00:55:28,480 --> 00:55:30,520
even when you are a skeleton,
1129
00:55:31,120 --> 00:55:32,640
even when you are dead."
1130
00:55:34,720 --> 00:55:37,520
Oh! Oh! I can't believe this is happening!
1131
00:55:38,840 --> 00:55:41,320
- "That's why I'm proposing to you..."
- This is so spontaneous!
1132
00:55:41,400 --> 00:55:43,760
I can't believe
you're doing this at my work!
1133
00:55:43,840 --> 00:55:45,560
"I'm proposing with this ring,
1134
00:55:45,640 --> 00:55:48,600
balanced on the pillow
I will one day smother you with
1135
00:55:48,680 --> 00:55:50,880
when you are terminally ill."
1136
00:55:50,960 --> 00:55:54,880
Ollie, you don't need to sound
happy about it. You sound cheerful.
1137
00:55:54,960 --> 00:55:57,440
I'm just... I'm just nearly at the end. Um...
1138
00:55:57,520 --> 00:55:59,520
[laughter and applause]
1139
00:56:00,200 --> 00:56:02,200
"And I'm hoping you will say yes."
1140
00:56:02,280 --> 00:56:06,160
Ah! Ah! Yes! The answer's not on the page.
It's in my heart.
1141
00:56:06,240 --> 00:56:09,720
One thousand yeses.
Let me touch your chest now,
1142
00:56:09,800 --> 00:56:12,840
so we can get
that essential Instagram photo
1143
00:56:12,920 --> 00:56:14,920
to show that I'm a real woman.
1144
00:56:15,000 --> 00:56:17,720
- [cheering and applause]
- Your heart's beating really fast.
1145
00:56:18,360 --> 00:56:20,560
Give him a round of applause.
He was amazing.
1146
00:56:20,640 --> 00:56:22,640
[cheering and applause]
1147
00:56:26,480 --> 00:56:29,320
I finally feel like
I've achieved something as a woman.
1148
00:56:29,400 --> 00:56:32,640
You guys have been lovely as well.
You've made it such a fun show.
1149
00:56:32,720 --> 00:56:36,000
Enjoy the rest of your night and lives.
I've been Fern Brady. Good night!
1150
00:56:36,080 --> 00:56:38,680
[cheering and whistling]
1151
00:56:38,760 --> 00:56:40,160
[rock music plays]
1152
00:56:43,520 --> 00:56:45,520
[cheering and applause continue]
1153
00:56:55,240 --> 00:56:56,680
[applause fades]
1154
00:57:23,360 --> 00:57:25,040
[music fades]