1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 3 00:00:08,258 --> 00:00:12,387 Ladies and gentlemen please put your hands together for Myka Fox! 4 00:00:17,017 --> 00:00:18,560 Hello! 5 00:00:18,560 --> 00:00:19,561 Hello. 6 00:00:23,482 --> 00:00:25,484 Yes! Thank you so much. 7 00:00:25,484 --> 00:00:27,402 Thank you! 8 00:00:27,402 --> 00:00:30,572 Oh, that felt so nice, you guys. 9 00:00:30,572 --> 00:00:32,783 I live in a bad neighborhood in Brooklyn. 10 00:00:32,783 --> 00:00:35,536 Anybody else poor or pretending to be? 11 00:00:35,536 --> 00:00:39,373 - Yeah? Cool. Awesome. 12 00:00:39,373 --> 00:00:41,458 It's so hard to get an apartment in New York. 13 00:00:41,458 --> 00:00:44,086 I swear to God, I had to do an interview with the landlord. 14 00:00:44,086 --> 00:00:47,130 It was like... It was like a date without cocktails. 15 00:00:47,130 --> 00:00:48,799 It was horrendous. 16 00:00:48,799 --> 00:00:52,594 At one point, he goes like, "Are you Jewish?" 17 00:00:52,594 --> 00:00:56,598 And I'm like, "Oh, my God." Like, "I think I could sue you for asking me that." 18 00:00:56,598 --> 00:00:58,684 He's like, "Wonderful. You're Jewish." 19 00:01:01,687 --> 00:01:04,565 It's, um... I am Jewish. I, uh... 20 00:01:04,565 --> 00:01:06,942 It goes against everything in me to admit that in public. 21 00:01:06,942 --> 00:01:08,610 It goes against all my training. 22 00:01:08,610 --> 00:01:10,404 I'm not supposed to do that. 23 00:01:10,404 --> 00:01:13,365 When I was a kid, my mom used to tuck me into bed at night, being like, 24 00:01:13,365 --> 00:01:15,617 "Good Night. The Holocaust could happen again." 25 00:01:15,617 --> 00:01:19,371 I'm like, "Jesus Christ! Fucking crazy bitch!" 26 00:01:20,998 --> 00:01:24,668 But now, like, it kind of looks like it might, you know? 27 00:01:24,668 --> 00:01:26,837 Like, anti-Semitism is on the rise. 28 00:01:26,837 --> 00:01:30,424 You know, like Kanye, Kyrie, my boyfriend... 29 00:01:31,300 --> 00:01:33,010 all hate me, you know? 30 00:01:33,760 --> 00:01:35,137 I, uh... 31 00:01:35,137 --> 00:01:36,930 It's a bad neighborhood. I, uh... 32 00:01:36,930 --> 00:01:40,475 There's homeless people in the neighborhood. It's so sad, you know? 33 00:01:40,475 --> 00:01:42,436 But you try to make the best of it. 34 00:01:42,436 --> 00:01:47,191 So, like, now, when I take my trash out, I put colored tissue paper in it. 35 00:01:47,191 --> 00:01:49,985 So, that way, when they go through it, it looks like they're opening a present. 36 00:01:55,782 --> 00:01:57,409 Um, they were mad at me. 37 00:01:57,409 --> 00:02:00,746 Well, there's a lot of drug addicts in my neighborhood, too. 38 00:02:00,746 --> 00:02:03,582 And, you know, they always come up to you. They, like, jump out from everywhere. 39 00:02:03,582 --> 00:02:05,417 People are like, 40 00:02:05,417 --> 00:02:07,794 "You should carry pepper spray." You know? "Be safe. Carry pepper spray." 41 00:02:07,794 --> 00:02:10,547 I'm like, "Have you met a crackhead?" Like... 42 00:02:11,715 --> 00:02:14,092 They... They've built a tolerance. 43 00:02:15,552 --> 00:02:18,430 They're not getting taken down by pepper spray. 44 00:02:18,430 --> 00:02:21,892 But what I have seen... Like, they don't even sit down to sleep. 45 00:02:24,228 --> 00:02:27,147 But I have started carrying Narcan. 46 00:02:27,147 --> 00:02:29,274 That's the move, right? 47 00:02:29,274 --> 00:02:32,486 If any crackhead comes up to me, you know, like, being like, "Hey, lady, what's up?" 48 00:02:32,486 --> 00:02:35,697 I'm just like... "Now you're sober." 49 00:02:38,784 --> 00:02:40,953 "Bet you didn't want that." 50 00:02:40,953 --> 00:02:42,996 They just, like, look at me up and down like, 51 00:02:42,996 --> 00:02:46,333 "Umm, you know what? Never mind. My mistake, miss. 52 00:02:46,333 --> 00:02:47,793 I thought you were someone else." 53 00:02:50,003 --> 00:02:51,380 You know, I think I might be lonely. 54 00:02:54,383 --> 00:02:57,094 Thank you. 55 00:02:57,094 --> 00:03:01,390 The other day, I was walking through the park and I tried to pet a bird. 56 00:03:01,390 --> 00:03:02,891 I don't know. I don't know what I thought. 57 00:03:02,891 --> 00:03:04,768 Like, I'm Snow White, you know? 58 00:03:04,768 --> 00:03:06,854 And like, I don't know, it was just like, "Oh, this is soft and warm." 59 00:03:06,854 --> 00:03:09,273 You know, and it flew away, like everything in my life. 60 00:03:10,983 --> 00:03:13,694 And I'm like, "Oh, shit!" Like, "Who saw that?" 61 00:03:13,694 --> 00:03:18,073 You know? Like, "What, like, hipster TikTok piece of shit 62 00:03:18,073 --> 00:03:20,868 just saw that, TikTok-ed it with some caption. 63 00:03:20,868 --> 00:03:23,829 'Girl gets rejected by bird.'" 64 00:03:23,829 --> 00:03:25,581 And now I'm famous for that. 65 00:03:25,581 --> 00:03:27,583 And so I'm looking around, and I find... 66 00:03:27,583 --> 00:03:29,251 The only person who saw it was a homeless person. 67 00:03:29,251 --> 00:03:32,838 I'm like, "Yes. They do not have a big social reach." 68 00:03:34,715 --> 00:03:38,927 And he caught my eye because he was, like, a heavier homeless person, 69 00:03:38,927 --> 00:03:42,598 which I'll never understand how that happens. But... 70 00:03:42,598 --> 00:03:45,851 He's sitting on a bench. He was a heavier homeless guy, and he was sitting like this, 71 00:03:45,851 --> 00:03:49,146 and he was shaking his legs like this. 72 00:03:49,146 --> 00:03:52,441 And because he was, like, a heavier man, he had this extra leg meat 73 00:03:52,441 --> 00:03:56,028 that was swinging pendulously underneath his legs, 74 00:03:56,028 --> 00:04:00,032 and it would smack together. So much so that it made a smacking noise. 75 00:04:00,032 --> 00:04:03,202 It was just like, smack, smack, smack. 76 00:04:03,202 --> 00:04:06,538 And I am getting into it. 77 00:04:06,538 --> 00:04:09,958 You know? It was hypnotizing! 78 00:04:09,958 --> 00:04:11,376 What could I do, right? 79 00:04:11,376 --> 00:04:14,254 So I'm, like, watching his, like, legs undulate. 80 00:04:14,254 --> 00:04:17,758 And it takes me a minute to realize what was happening, 81 00:04:17,758 --> 00:04:22,930 which was, he was smacking his leg meat against his junk to get himself off. 82 00:04:25,557 --> 00:04:27,100 I know. I was there. 83 00:04:28,644 --> 00:04:32,397 And in that moment, he and I, like, locked eyes. 84 00:04:33,357 --> 00:04:35,108 And he reached out for me. 85 00:04:35,108 --> 00:04:39,154 And I was like, "Yeah, still got it!" 86 00:04:39,154 --> 00:04:44,660 "Fuck you, bird! At least this guy wants me." 87 00:04:44,660 --> 00:04:48,872 You guys, you know, I'm really excited about Al Pacino's baby. 88 00:04:48,872 --> 00:04:50,332 Robert De Niro's baby. 89 00:04:50,332 --> 00:04:53,669 You guys fucking stoked for those old people's babies? 90 00:04:53,669 --> 00:04:56,171 Those fucking octogenarians, yes! 91 00:04:56,171 --> 00:05:01,343 80 years old, 90 years old, just jizzing in some random lady. 92 00:05:01,343 --> 00:05:06,348 We don't know who it is. Just fucking dropping dusty old cum in those ladies. 93 00:05:06,348 --> 00:05:09,351 Fucking who knows? And who is it? It could be you. 94 00:05:09,351 --> 00:05:12,646 It could be. Was it you? Who's letting these people... 95 00:05:12,646 --> 00:05:15,732 I love it. Oh, my... Yeah, keep doing it. Keep... 96 00:05:15,732 --> 00:05:19,403 Alec Baldwin, keep pumping jizz in that fake Hispanic lady. 97 00:05:19,403 --> 00:05:21,029 - Just... 98 00:05:21,029 --> 00:05:25,242 We need more people for popstars to fuck. Keep procreating. 99 00:05:25,242 --> 00:05:29,746 That's good jizz. We need... I mean, who cares if you're miles old? 100 00:05:29,746 --> 00:05:31,623 I think being an octogenarian dad 101 00:05:31,623 --> 00:05:34,585 is the nicest thing you could do as a father. 102 00:05:34,585 --> 00:05:36,545 Truly the nicest thing that you could do. 103 00:05:36,545 --> 00:05:41,466 You have your kid. Maybe you live to see it graduate high school. Maybe. 104 00:05:43,969 --> 00:05:46,763 Then you die, leave 'em your inheritance. 105 00:05:46,763 --> 00:05:48,432 Beautiful! 106 00:05:48,432 --> 00:05:51,059 Perfect. We don't need you after high school. 107 00:05:51,059 --> 00:05:53,770 My dad's still alive. There isn't a single thing he's said 108 00:05:53,770 --> 00:05:56,106 that's more valuable than a house down payment. 109 00:05:57,524 --> 00:05:59,818 Just die already. 110 00:06:03,655 --> 00:06:07,367 Instead, I have to watch him get all old and weird. 111 00:06:07,367 --> 00:06:10,412 He's on his third roommate. What is that? 112 00:06:10,412 --> 00:06:12,080 Why do you have so many roommates? It's not for money. 113 00:06:12,080 --> 00:06:14,666 He's just lonely and weird, you know? 114 00:06:14,666 --> 00:06:17,252 He was living with this guy named Dan. 115 00:06:17,252 --> 00:06:19,796 Dan was this opinionated weirdo. 116 00:06:19,796 --> 00:06:23,091 He died in our guest bedroom. 117 00:06:23,091 --> 00:06:25,969 He died in there. Anyone... Anyone wanna guess from what? 118 00:06:26,637 --> 00:06:28,013 Alcoholism. Correct. 119 00:06:28,013 --> 00:06:30,724 Obviously! Obviously, it's alcoholism. 120 00:06:30,724 --> 00:06:35,270 I would drink myself to death, too, if I had to live with my weird old dad. 121 00:06:35,270 --> 00:06:37,940 And don't start feeling bad for Dan, all right? 122 00:06:37,940 --> 00:06:40,859 It was kind of great. He died the day before Thanksgiving, and I was like, 123 00:06:40,859 --> 00:06:44,905 "Fuck, yes. Now no one's gonna touch the mashed potatoes with their fingers." 124 00:06:46,823 --> 00:06:49,660 It was a win for Myka. 125 00:06:49,660 --> 00:06:51,411 And it was kind of cool, 'cause I was home for the holidays. 126 00:06:51,411 --> 00:06:54,206 So I'm like, now I get to snoop through Dan's old room, you know? 127 00:06:54,206 --> 00:06:57,543 See what was going on in there. 'Cause it's rude to do when they're still alive. 128 00:06:59,878 --> 00:07:01,797 But I was like, "He's gone. I can do this." 129 00:07:01,797 --> 00:07:03,340 So I go in there and... 130 00:07:04,383 --> 00:07:06,051 Anyone wanna guess what I found? 131 00:07:07,177 --> 00:07:09,596 Alcohol. Mormon gets it. 132 00:07:11,265 --> 00:07:15,185 He... Of course. But so much alcohol. So much alcohol, Mormon. 133 00:07:15,185 --> 00:07:19,982 There was 20 or 30 half-drank bottles of vodka in there. 134 00:07:19,982 --> 00:07:24,945 20 or 30. I'm like, "Oh, fuck. I see what the problem was there. 135 00:07:24,945 --> 00:07:27,531 This guy can't finish what he starts." 136 00:07:29,157 --> 00:07:31,034 What are you doing with so many bottles? 137 00:07:31,034 --> 00:07:33,453 You finish one, then you drink another one. Maybe you have one backup. 138 00:07:33,453 --> 00:07:37,833 One. Not 20 or 30. Come on, man! This is basic economics. 139 00:07:37,833 --> 00:07:42,004 If you did that, maybe you wouldn't have had to live with my weird old dad. 140 00:07:42,004 --> 00:07:45,424 But I was like, I'll finish them, you know? 141 00:07:45,424 --> 00:07:48,302 So... You know, it's the holidays. I'm like, "I can't stand to be sober." 142 00:07:48,302 --> 00:07:50,470 So I go to drink one of these vodka bottles. 143 00:07:50,470 --> 00:07:53,599 My dad comes in right at that moment. He's pissed about it. 144 00:07:53,599 --> 00:07:56,268 He's like, "Myka!" He's like, "What the hell are you doing?" 145 00:07:56,268 --> 00:07:58,979 He's like, "You're not supposed to drink a dead man's liquor." 146 00:07:58,979 --> 00:08:01,940 And I'm like, "Oh, shit. I didn't know you were a pirate." 147 00:08:03,984 --> 00:08:07,154 "Fuck! There are rules. Yo-ho to Dan!" 148 00:08:09,406 --> 00:08:11,992 I did... I did do sober January. 149 00:08:11,992 --> 00:08:16,246 Did any of you guys get tricked by your friends into being a dork? 150 00:08:16,246 --> 00:08:18,457 Did you do it with friends or alone? 151 00:08:18,457 --> 00:08:20,959 -A couple of friends. - A couple of friends. How does that happen? 152 00:08:20,959 --> 00:08:23,629 How does that... "Hey, you guys wanna, like, all get together 153 00:08:23,629 --> 00:08:27,341 and make eye contact and remember our conversations 154 00:08:27,341 --> 00:08:30,928 and realize we were never really friends without the alcohol?" 155 00:08:30,928 --> 00:08:34,264 It's like, how is that... how is that a friend thing? It's terrible. 156 00:08:34,264 --> 00:08:38,101 - I read the Twelve Step book. Anyone read that? -Oh, yeah. 157 00:08:38,101 --> 00:08:40,979 You read the Twelve Step book? I, uh... I didn't like it. 158 00:08:40,979 --> 00:08:44,650 I don't see the point in reading a book you can't brag about at a party. 159 00:08:44,650 --> 00:08:46,527 - No. 160 00:08:46,527 --> 00:08:50,197 It's like, if I'm gonna finish that thing, I wanna chat. I, uh... 161 00:08:50,197 --> 00:08:52,366 Here's the thing, they lie to you in that book. 162 00:08:52,366 --> 00:08:56,411 Maybe you didn't notice that. I did. It's not 12 steps. It's 13 steps. 163 00:08:56,411 --> 00:08:59,206 There's a... There's a cheat step before you get to the first one. 164 00:08:59,206 --> 00:09:01,208 I don't know why they don't just tell you how many steps it is. 165 00:09:01,208 --> 00:09:02,793 They're like, "You drunk piece of shit! 166 00:09:02,793 --> 00:09:05,170 You can't handle knowing how many steps this is." 167 00:09:05,170 --> 00:09:08,799 I'm like, "Yeah, you're right. I did just fall down 15." 168 00:09:10,509 --> 00:09:13,846 There's a step before you do the first one. 169 00:09:13,846 --> 00:09:17,266 Besides my pro here, anyone wanna guess what it is? 170 00:09:19,810 --> 00:09:22,104 -Drink? - Drink? Who said that? 171 00:09:22,104 --> 00:09:23,647 You did? What's your name? 172 00:09:23,647 --> 00:09:26,191 -Fausto. - Fausto. Everyone, give it up for Fausto! 173 00:09:29,570 --> 00:09:31,947 - He is wrong. He is wrong. 174 00:09:31,947 --> 00:09:35,200 That is not it. But it was a really brave guess. And thank you so much. 175 00:09:35,200 --> 00:09:37,828 Anybody else wanna take a stab at that? 176 00:09:37,828 --> 00:09:38,954 -No. -Quit. 177 00:09:38,954 --> 00:09:40,622 - No, did you say quit? -Yeah. 178 00:09:40,622 --> 00:09:42,708 Quit? It should be that, right? 179 00:09:42,708 --> 00:09:46,545 It should be that. You know, people say "stop drinking" too. "Stop drinking." 180 00:09:46,545 --> 00:09:48,130 Not in the book at all. 181 00:09:48,130 --> 00:09:50,299 Nowhere in the book does it tell you to stop drinking. 182 00:09:50,299 --> 00:09:57,389 That should be the only step. You should open that book, it should say, "Stop drinking." 183 00:09:57,389 --> 00:10:00,726 And then you turn the page, it's just blank pages from there on out. 184 00:10:00,726 --> 00:10:02,978 There's nothing else. You did it. They're like, "Yeah, here's some crayons. 185 00:10:02,978 --> 00:10:05,189 Why don't you go draw about the times you used to be fun?" 186 00:10:09,026 --> 00:10:11,028 The step before... The first step is, 187 00:10:11,028 --> 00:10:13,655 you have to find acceptance or something. I don't know. I didn't get that far. 188 00:10:15,616 --> 00:10:19,703 But this... The pre-step is, you have to hit rock bottom. 189 00:10:21,788 --> 00:10:23,790 We sure that's a good idea? 190 00:10:23,790 --> 00:10:27,920 Is that... Really? You know? Like, how do they even know where rock bottom is? 191 00:10:27,920 --> 00:10:31,381 Like, don't limit my potential about how bad things can get. 192 00:10:32,466 --> 00:10:34,134 How is that a good idea? 193 00:10:34,134 --> 00:10:36,553 I'm just picturing a person going into their first AA meeting, 194 00:10:36,553 --> 00:10:38,597 like, trying to better themselves. 195 00:10:38,597 --> 00:10:41,517 You know, coming in there being like, "Hey, man. You know, I could use some help." 196 00:10:41,517 --> 00:10:44,144 And the guy leading is just like, "Hold it right there. 197 00:10:44,144 --> 00:10:47,606 Do you still have custody of your kids?" 198 00:10:47,606 --> 00:10:50,734 They're like, "What? Oh, you're in the PTA? Fucking take a hike! 199 00:10:50,734 --> 00:10:53,695 Come back when you're too drunk to go to your daughter's funeral." 200 00:11:02,788 --> 00:11:06,208 I will wait for an applause break. Fuck, yeah. 201 00:11:06,208 --> 00:11:08,377 You guys can do that as much as you want. 202 00:11:08,377 --> 00:11:11,505 I have a lot of time to fill and not a lot to say. 203 00:11:12,965 --> 00:11:14,716 I, uh... 204 00:11:14,716 --> 00:11:16,927 I don't even consider myself an alcoholic. 205 00:11:16,927 --> 00:11:19,096 I consider myself a pothead. 206 00:11:19,096 --> 00:11:21,598 - Anybody else? There we go! 207 00:11:21,598 --> 00:11:24,935 Okay. This is my crowd in the front row. 208 00:11:24,935 --> 00:11:27,729 We're watching you. 209 00:11:27,729 --> 00:11:29,815 You guys are too stoned to say no to the front. 210 00:11:29,815 --> 00:11:31,149 Good... Bless your hearts. 211 00:11:31,775 --> 00:11:33,235 Um... 212 00:11:33,235 --> 00:11:36,196 So... And good job leaving the house. I applaud that. 213 00:11:36,196 --> 00:11:38,115 So you guys know, like, as a pothead, 214 00:11:38,115 --> 00:11:40,325 like, the Twelve Step book couldn't help us. 215 00:11:40,325 --> 00:11:43,245 Like, there is no rock bottom for being a pothead, you know? 216 00:11:43,245 --> 00:11:47,291 Like, I think the worst thing I ever did when I was high was buy that Twelve Step book. 217 00:11:49,251 --> 00:11:51,753 And this other time, I accidentally smoked a candle wick. 218 00:11:51,753 --> 00:11:54,840 And now my bong smells like a gift from somebody who doesn't know me very well. 219 00:11:57,134 --> 00:11:59,803 What can I say? I, uh... I am a cat person. 220 00:11:59,803 --> 00:12:03,223 - Do we have any other cat people in here? 221 00:12:03,223 --> 00:12:04,725 Hell, yes! 222 00:12:04,725 --> 00:12:06,476 I love that enthusiasm. 223 00:12:06,476 --> 00:12:08,854 You're pointing to her like you're outing her. 224 00:12:08,854 --> 00:12:12,441 Dear God, she's like, "This is a cat person and, also, she's a Jew." 225 00:12:16,111 --> 00:12:17,738 Be careful. That is not your friend. 226 00:12:17,738 --> 00:12:20,449 But it is... I'm so proud of you guys. 227 00:12:20,449 --> 00:12:22,701 I'm so proud of you guys for applauding being cat people. 228 00:12:22,701 --> 00:12:24,828 Sometimes I ask and everyone's, like, so shy 229 00:12:24,828 --> 00:12:27,873 because, as cat people, we're shamed in society, aren't we? 230 00:12:27,873 --> 00:12:31,210 There's a lot of patriarchal cat shaming going on, you know? 231 00:12:31,210 --> 00:12:33,629 They call you "Crazy cat lady." 232 00:12:33,629 --> 00:12:36,173 For... For what? For why? For loving your pet? 233 00:12:36,173 --> 00:12:39,468 It's just your pet. No other pet lover catches that kind of smoke. 234 00:12:39,468 --> 00:12:42,054 You know? They don't call them "Crazy dog people," 235 00:12:42,054 --> 00:12:46,350 even though dog people are way crazier. Right? 236 00:12:46,350 --> 00:12:48,936 -Yes. - Like, yes. Who are my dog people? 237 00:12:51,188 --> 00:12:53,232 You guys... 238 00:12:53,232 --> 00:12:55,692 You're nuts. You're so much crazier than cat people. 239 00:12:55,692 --> 00:12:56,944 I see what you do. 240 00:12:56,944 --> 00:12:58,862 You dress your dogs up. 241 00:12:58,862 --> 00:13:02,074 You stick 'em in parades. You suck their dicks. 242 00:13:03,825 --> 00:13:07,162 I think that's crazy. 243 00:13:07,162 --> 00:13:10,415 I love my cat. I'm not ashamed to admit it. We do everything together. 244 00:13:10,415 --> 00:13:12,167 We go to the bathroom together. 245 00:13:12,167 --> 00:13:13,669 And not just she goes in there while I'm in there. 246 00:13:13,669 --> 00:13:16,421 She climbs up on the space on the back of the toilet. 247 00:13:16,421 --> 00:13:19,091 And we ride it together. Like a motorcycle. 248 00:13:22,970 --> 00:13:26,473 I FaceTime my pets. You guys FaceTime your pets? 249 00:13:26,473 --> 00:13:28,517 Okay. 250 00:13:28,517 --> 00:13:29,935 It's weird, right? 251 00:13:29,935 --> 00:13:31,937 It's weird, 'cause it takes another person, you know? 252 00:13:31,937 --> 00:13:35,816 Like, I'll have to call up... Like, FaceTime my boyfriend, 253 00:13:35,816 --> 00:13:38,777 and he'll pick up all excited to hear from me, and I'll be like, 254 00:13:38,777 --> 00:13:41,738 "Hey, honey... Can you put the cat on? 255 00:13:42,739 --> 00:13:44,533 I miss the cat." 256 00:13:44,533 --> 00:13:49,288 The cat has been sending me TikToks of his grandpa shaving his balls. 257 00:13:51,456 --> 00:13:54,543 And then it's, like, me... Basically, me making my boyfriend help me 258 00:13:54,543 --> 00:13:56,587 cyber with the cat, you know? 259 00:13:56,587 --> 00:13:58,505 Like, I'll be like, "Put the cat on. 260 00:13:59,798 --> 00:14:02,509 Yup. She looks good. 261 00:14:03,427 --> 00:14:04,887 She looks real good. 262 00:14:05,554 --> 00:14:07,222 Um... 263 00:14:07,222 --> 00:14:09,183 Now pet her. 264 00:14:09,183 --> 00:14:10,642 Yeah, pet her for me. 265 00:14:10,642 --> 00:14:13,187 No patter like I pet her. Right behind the ear. Yeah. 266 00:14:14,438 --> 00:14:17,065 Keep going. Keep going. Just like that. 267 00:14:17,858 --> 00:14:19,151 Is she purring? 268 00:14:20,068 --> 00:14:22,487 Nah, she's faking that. 269 00:14:22,487 --> 00:14:25,073 - We both do that." 270 00:14:25,073 --> 00:14:28,410 I do have a boyfriend. Sorry to just bring that up in the middle of conversation. 271 00:14:29,703 --> 00:14:31,288 I love him, too. 272 00:14:32,497 --> 00:14:34,750 That's what I say. I say it all the time. 273 00:14:34,750 --> 00:14:37,169 I kind of have to, you know? There's some things you say on cocaine 274 00:14:37,169 --> 00:14:39,713 you can't take back. 275 00:14:39,713 --> 00:14:42,591 It's like, "You gotta keep saying it or you're a drug addict." 276 00:14:46,345 --> 00:14:48,764 He does that thing, too, where I'll tell him I love him, 277 00:14:48,764 --> 00:14:52,351 and he'll be like, "I love you more." 278 00:14:52,351 --> 00:14:55,229 And I'm like... "Yeah, I know." 279 00:14:57,022 --> 00:15:00,609 "Stop bringing it up. You're bumming me out." 280 00:15:01,902 --> 00:15:04,238 Is anyone in here in love? 281 00:15:04,238 --> 00:15:08,200 - Uh-oh. 282 00:15:08,200 --> 00:15:11,328 I heard, like, one clap... 283 00:15:11,328 --> 00:15:13,914 in this... where there's clearly a couple. 284 00:15:13,914 --> 00:15:18,418 That's an uncomfortable car ride home tonight. 285 00:15:18,418 --> 00:15:21,713 Um, everyone else is like, "Please don't make me say it yet." 286 00:15:21,713 --> 00:15:23,882 Don't say it. Don't say it too soon. 287 00:15:23,882 --> 00:15:25,968 You can never walk it back. 288 00:15:25,968 --> 00:15:30,389 'Cause once you say I love you, you can no longer say "Goodbye" to that person. 289 00:15:31,974 --> 00:15:34,685 Like, if you end a conversation with them saying "Goodbye," 290 00:15:34,685 --> 00:15:38,480 it sounds like you're saying "Go fuck yourself!" Right? 291 00:15:38,480 --> 00:15:43,235 So, like, I'll be leaving the house, you know, to get away from my boyfriend. 292 00:15:43,235 --> 00:15:48,532 And I'll have to do the thing, you know? Or I'm like, "Okay, I'm going. I love you." 293 00:15:48,532 --> 00:15:50,534 - All right? 294 00:15:50,534 --> 00:15:53,287 And then I'll go... And then, like, God forbid, I forget something. 295 00:15:53,287 --> 00:15:55,831 And I have to, like, go back in there and do that again, 296 00:15:55,831 --> 00:16:01,211 and just be like, "Oh, I forgot my headphones. I love you." 297 00:16:01,211 --> 00:16:04,715 It's like, "Oh, my God, I can't believe I have to lie every time I leave my house." 298 00:16:06,341 --> 00:16:08,635 He's so poor, too. 299 00:16:08,635 --> 00:16:10,470 I mean, it is nice. It's just the two of us. 300 00:16:10,470 --> 00:16:13,974 So we have no kids, and so we're like a double income family. 301 00:16:13,974 --> 00:16:16,268 But I do earn both of those, so... 302 00:16:19,479 --> 00:16:21,815 So, kind of sucks, you know? 303 00:16:21,815 --> 00:16:25,319 He, um... He can't read either. He's so dumb. He's, like... 304 00:16:25,319 --> 00:16:27,738 He's like half Irish, half Italian. 305 00:16:27,738 --> 00:16:32,159 "And so I'm like, "Oh, good. He got an Irish person's dick and an Italian person's brains." 306 00:16:36,830 --> 00:16:38,832 Perfect. Nailed it. 307 00:16:39,625 --> 00:16:40,876 Got it. 308 00:16:40,876 --> 00:16:43,754 He gained 40 pounds over the pandemic. 309 00:16:43,754 --> 00:16:45,756 40! 40. 310 00:16:45,756 --> 00:16:47,591 Hear that again, 40 pounds. 311 00:16:47,591 --> 00:16:49,426 The national average was 30. 312 00:16:49,426 --> 00:16:51,887 It's the only thing I've seen him excel at since we've been together. 313 00:16:52,971 --> 00:16:55,265 40 pounds! Oh, my God, right? 314 00:16:55,265 --> 00:16:57,267 It's crazy, too, 'cause the second the pandemic hit, 315 00:16:57,267 --> 00:16:59,561 the first thing I did was google "prison workout." 316 00:16:59,561 --> 00:17:01,438 I'm like, "We're in a studio apartment." 317 00:17:01,438 --> 00:17:03,982 I'm like, "If these guys can do it in an eight by eight cell, 318 00:17:03,982 --> 00:17:05,901 we can figure this out here." You know? 319 00:17:05,901 --> 00:17:09,780 And so I'd be, like, on the floor, working out. He'd be on the bed. 320 00:17:09,780 --> 00:17:11,907 There's only two places to be in a studio. 321 00:17:11,907 --> 00:17:14,451 And he'd be just, like, watching me from the bed. I'm, like, looking up like, 322 00:17:14,451 --> 00:17:16,119 "Hey, can we trade places? 323 00:17:16,119 --> 00:17:18,372 You know, you're taking more and more of the bed every second." 324 00:17:20,666 --> 00:17:22,251 Wouldn't... wouldn't work out. 325 00:17:22,251 --> 00:17:24,753 I figured out, though, a way to trick him into working out. 326 00:17:24,753 --> 00:17:28,215 And this trick will work on any man, all right? 327 00:17:28,215 --> 00:17:31,009 So, ladies, if you've got a fatty at home, listen up. 328 00:17:31,009 --> 00:17:33,053 All right. 329 00:17:33,053 --> 00:17:36,306 Let's say you want a man to do pushups. 330 00:17:36,306 --> 00:17:40,269 All you have to do is do push ups in front of him... 331 00:17:41,228 --> 00:17:42,396 wrong. 332 00:17:47,526 --> 00:17:51,738 Oh! You guys are so predictably obnoxious. 333 00:17:51,738 --> 00:17:54,867 Oh, my... It works every freaking time, right? 334 00:17:54,867 --> 00:17:56,702 I'm doing pushups, right? 335 00:17:56,702 --> 00:17:58,954 My boyfriend hasn't done 'em in, like, six years by the looks of him. 336 00:18:00,914 --> 00:18:03,500 He sees me doing him, immediately he's like, "That's not how you do it." 337 00:18:03,500 --> 00:18:07,921 Just spraying Dorito dust all over his PlayStation. 338 00:18:07,921 --> 00:18:10,716 Next, you know, he's like, on the floor, trying to show me. 339 00:18:10,716 --> 00:18:13,719 And I'm like, "Oh, my God, it's happening." 340 00:18:13,719 --> 00:18:16,597 I'm like, "That's great. Yeah, show me again. 341 00:18:16,597 --> 00:18:21,476 Next time, why don't you show me 50 to 100 more times? 342 00:18:21,476 --> 00:18:25,147 How about, next, you show me how to make more money than me, you broke a piece of shit!" 343 00:18:27,524 --> 00:18:30,319 Don't feel bad for him. I know. You guys probably feel bad for him right now. 344 00:18:30,319 --> 00:18:32,404 Really, you don't have to. He knows I'm a comic 345 00:18:32,404 --> 00:18:34,698 and he's heard these jokes, and he laughs and laughs, 'cause he doesn't get them. 346 00:18:34,698 --> 00:18:36,867 - So... 347 00:18:36,867 --> 00:18:39,036 It's fine. I'll probably marry him. 348 00:18:40,078 --> 00:18:42,331 I give up. I'm done. 349 00:18:42,331 --> 00:18:44,666 I can't. I've been on every first date. 350 00:18:44,666 --> 00:18:47,377 I can't do any more. They're all the same. You know, like, 351 00:18:47,377 --> 00:18:50,297 "How many siblings do you have? Where'd you go to college?" 352 00:18:50,297 --> 00:18:52,257 It's like, "I don't remember. Leave me alone." 353 00:18:52,257 --> 00:18:56,261 - Who can remember those things? 354 00:18:56,261 --> 00:18:58,263 I... I just... I can't do anymore. 355 00:18:58,263 --> 00:19:00,933 I've been... I've been single for... 356 00:19:00,933 --> 00:19:03,018 Before my boyfriend, I was single for 14 years. 357 00:19:03,018 --> 00:19:04,978 So I've already fucked all of you. 358 00:19:06,605 --> 00:19:09,858 Like, not individually, but in general, you know? I get it. 359 00:19:09,858 --> 00:19:11,777 I was doing a lot of one-night stands. 360 00:19:11,777 --> 00:19:14,196 It's not like I like having sex. I just hadn't slept with that many people, 361 00:19:14,196 --> 00:19:16,198 and I didn't want the people I've already slept with 362 00:19:16,198 --> 00:19:18,951 to feel like they were so special, you know? 363 00:19:18,951 --> 00:19:23,330 It's like, "Easy there, fat magician. I wasn't saving my fourth time for you." 364 00:19:24,748 --> 00:19:26,542 If you do get the chance to fuck a magician, though, 365 00:19:26,542 --> 00:19:29,169 I highly recommend it. Beautiful. 366 00:19:29,169 --> 00:19:32,631 When they ejaculate, they keep coming and coming in different colors. 367 00:19:32,631 --> 00:19:35,175 - Like they do with scarves. 368 00:19:36,593 --> 00:19:39,263 They'll make your heterosexuality disappear. 369 00:19:42,307 --> 00:19:43,892 I have seen it all, though. 370 00:19:43,892 --> 00:19:45,602 I was once having sex with this guy, and in the middle of it, 371 00:19:45,602 --> 00:19:48,480 he started barking like a dog. 372 00:19:48,480 --> 00:19:51,316 - Oh, do you know Dave? Oh. 373 00:19:51,316 --> 00:19:54,486 I was like, "We should trade notes, for sure." 374 00:19:54,486 --> 00:19:57,364 But he thought he was being sexy. He was like... 375 00:19:57,364 --> 00:19:59,616 Like that. 376 00:19:59,616 --> 00:20:03,078 He's like... 377 00:20:03,078 --> 00:20:04,705 I'm just like, "Oh, my God. 378 00:20:04,705 --> 00:20:08,750 Like, I can't believe you trusted me with that." 379 00:20:10,586 --> 00:20:13,547 "Like, I'm gonna run straight to a microphone with this shit, you know?" 380 00:20:13,547 --> 00:20:15,382 I didn't wanna finish having sex. 381 00:20:15,382 --> 00:20:18,677 I just wanted to tell everyone that that's what he was into, you know? 382 00:20:18,677 --> 00:20:20,137 And I didn't know what to do, you know? 383 00:20:20,137 --> 00:20:23,682 'Cause I'm used to fucking people. Like... 384 00:20:23,682 --> 00:20:28,020 What's the fantasy here? A girl gets banged by a dog? Pass. 385 00:20:28,020 --> 00:20:31,190 You know, but he's inside me, so I gotta make a call. Um... 386 00:20:33,400 --> 00:20:36,737 So I was like, I don't know, how do I make this not some, like, weird bestiality thing. 387 00:20:36,737 --> 00:20:40,616 I was like, I guess, If I'm also a dog... 388 00:20:42,284 --> 00:20:44,286 or something. So, like, I'm sitting there, like, 389 00:20:44,286 --> 00:20:46,997 trying to find the courage to, I don't know, like... 390 00:20:52,377 --> 00:20:55,756 And... You know when you're fucking a dude, and he's barking like a dog, 391 00:20:55,756 --> 00:20:57,633 and it's your turn to bark, and you can't? 392 00:20:59,927 --> 00:21:01,178 I don't know what to do either. 393 00:21:01,178 --> 00:21:04,890 So I just ended up dating him for six months. 394 00:21:04,890 --> 00:21:07,976 And then he moved to LA. They're not all fairytales. 395 00:21:07,976 --> 00:21:10,354 I told you guys dog people were crazier. 396 00:21:12,481 --> 00:21:13,774 I, um... 397 00:21:13,774 --> 00:21:15,359 You guys like dirty talk? 398 00:21:15,359 --> 00:21:16,443 What? 399 00:21:18,654 --> 00:21:21,657 You guys were... Except for that one random utterance, 400 00:21:21,657 --> 00:21:23,325 you guys were totally silent, 401 00:21:23,325 --> 00:21:25,869 which means you do. 402 00:21:25,869 --> 00:21:29,581 But you like it how I like it, or it's like, "Yeah, but you do it." 403 00:21:31,250 --> 00:21:32,751 Yeah, there it is. 404 00:21:32,751 --> 00:21:35,170 I, uh... Like, I love dirty talk. It's my favorite thing, 405 00:21:35,170 --> 00:21:37,798 But I hate to reciprocate it. I think it's so embarrassing. 406 00:21:37,798 --> 00:21:40,676 Like, I think the worst thing you could say to me in bed is, "What?" 407 00:21:43,345 --> 00:21:46,139 "Absolutely not. I'm never gonna repeat that again. 408 00:21:46,139 --> 00:21:48,183 You should've heard that the first time, Grandpa." 409 00:21:50,227 --> 00:21:52,271 It can just, like, go so wrong, you know? 410 00:21:52,271 --> 00:21:54,565 Because, like, it can't be scripted out, 411 00:21:54,565 --> 00:21:56,191 or then it's, like, too predictable, 412 00:21:56,191 --> 00:21:58,235 and you have to be banging someone who can read. 413 00:22:00,153 --> 00:22:01,405 Yeah, I don't know where to find that. 414 00:22:01,405 --> 00:22:02,614 You know, it just can go so wrong. 415 00:22:02,614 --> 00:22:04,616 Like, I was once having sex with this guy, 416 00:22:04,616 --> 00:22:06,660 and we get to the end of our show, let's call it, 417 00:22:06,660 --> 00:22:10,998 and he leans in, and he goes like, 418 00:22:10,998 --> 00:22:13,792 "Where do you want me to come? 419 00:22:13,792 --> 00:22:16,837 And I was like, "Oh, fuck, I have to pick? 420 00:22:18,547 --> 00:22:22,134 I make a million decisions in the day. I'm a professional woman. 421 00:22:22,134 --> 00:22:25,179 You couldn't even pick where we went to dinner." You know? 422 00:22:25,179 --> 00:22:28,473 But they make it seem like it's a romantic gesture. 423 00:22:30,475 --> 00:22:32,895 Like, I get to choose. 424 00:22:34,104 --> 00:22:36,607 You know, like, chivalry ain't dead. 425 00:22:36,607 --> 00:22:38,984 You know, like, here comes Sir Lancelot. 426 00:22:38,984 --> 00:22:43,739 Just like, "Where would you like my jizz, milady?" 427 00:22:43,739 --> 00:22:47,451 And I'm supposed to be like "Oh, my God, is it Valentine's Day again?" 428 00:22:48,827 --> 00:22:51,371 Is this what's left of my woman's right to choose? 429 00:22:53,749 --> 00:22:55,375 And it's a bullshit question anyway, 430 00:22:55,375 --> 00:22:57,836 'cause it's not like they're giving you a lot of time to decide. 431 00:22:59,338 --> 00:23:01,173 You can't be like, "Can I sleep on it?" 432 00:23:02,382 --> 00:23:05,010 But you will. You will. Um... 433 00:23:07,846 --> 00:23:10,265 Here's why it's a bullshit question, 434 00:23:10,265 --> 00:23:13,227 is the man already knows where they wanna come by the time they ask that. 435 00:23:13,227 --> 00:23:18,106 They just want you to say, so they don't get in trouble for picking it. 436 00:23:18,106 --> 00:23:20,108 I'm on to you, all right? I'm on to you. 437 00:23:20,108 --> 00:23:23,153 And you can ask me a million times, I'm never gonna say the face. 438 00:23:23,153 --> 00:23:24,613 All right? 439 00:23:24,613 --> 00:23:26,114 I'm not gonna say the face. 440 00:23:26,114 --> 00:23:29,284 I don't know if any of you guys are into the face. Mazel. 441 00:23:29,284 --> 00:23:31,119 I call bullshit on the face. 442 00:23:32,579 --> 00:23:34,665 I call shenanigans on the face. I don't believe in it. 443 00:23:34,665 --> 00:23:37,876 I've slept with enough men to know that most of you 444 00:23:37,876 --> 00:23:40,838 are not making it to the face. 445 00:23:45,300 --> 00:23:49,221 A lot of... lot of dribblers out there. 446 00:23:51,181 --> 00:23:54,434 A lot of... It's like trying to get to one of those broken water fountains. 447 00:23:54,434 --> 00:23:56,520 - Just... 448 00:23:56,520 --> 00:23:58,522 "I... I think it's coming out." 449 00:24:01,066 --> 00:24:03,068 It's like, "Oh, you wanna come on my face right now." 450 00:24:03,068 --> 00:24:05,904 I gotta, like, climb on down there, 451 00:24:05,904 --> 00:24:10,284 put my face right up to the tip, like a puppy looking for the nipple, like... 452 00:24:14,246 --> 00:24:15,622 "Good job, honey. 453 00:24:16,248 --> 00:24:17,207 You did it." 454 00:24:19,293 --> 00:24:20,878 "Where do you want me to come?" 455 00:24:20,878 --> 00:24:22,546 "I don't know. How about the trash can? 456 00:24:23,755 --> 00:24:25,507 Is that cool? I'll bring it right to you. 457 00:24:26,758 --> 00:24:29,261 We can save that jizz a nine-month trip." 458 00:24:32,014 --> 00:24:36,310 That's a dumpster baby joke, not an abortion joke. 459 00:24:36,310 --> 00:24:39,146 In that joke, I carry the baby to term, 460 00:24:39,146 --> 00:24:43,192 then I give birth to it, and then I throw it out in the trash. 461 00:24:44,276 --> 00:24:46,695 My joke, my choice. 462 00:24:50,115 --> 00:24:51,325 Thank you. 463 00:24:53,410 --> 00:24:55,120 Thank you. 464 00:24:55,120 --> 00:24:58,540 I've been... I've been watching a lot of nature documentaries. 465 00:24:58,540 --> 00:24:59,917 You guys like those? 466 00:24:59,917 --> 00:25:01,668 - I love them. Yeah. 467 00:25:01,668 --> 00:25:03,545 Fuck, yeah. 468 00:25:03,545 --> 00:25:08,175 Yeah. Fuck, yeah! Let's woo nature documentaries. Let's get fucking crazy. 469 00:25:08,175 --> 00:25:11,637 I like to... I like to get high. I like to watch 'em falling asleep, you know? 470 00:25:11,637 --> 00:25:14,848 It, like, calms me down, 'cause it's like no matter what my problems are, you know, 471 00:25:14,848 --> 00:25:17,184 somewhere out there is a bird... 472 00:25:18,977 --> 00:25:21,563 It's very comforting to me, you know? 473 00:25:21,563 --> 00:25:24,608 But they do get, kind of, stressful sometimes. They try and stress you out. 474 00:25:24,608 --> 00:25:27,361 You know, like, the guy will come on and be like, 475 00:25:27,361 --> 00:25:29,071 "This baby elephant... 476 00:25:30,447 --> 00:25:36,411 has to walk 5,000 miles to get a drink of water. 477 00:25:36,411 --> 00:25:40,666 - If he doesn't drink soon, he will die." 478 00:25:40,666 --> 00:25:44,878 I'm like, "What the fuck? Are you about to show me a dead baby elephant right now? 479 00:25:44,878 --> 00:25:48,924 Are you fucking kidding me, Discovery? Are you serious? I do not want to see that!" 480 00:25:48,924 --> 00:25:52,386 You know? And then, like, of course it gets to the lake or whatever. 481 00:25:52,386 --> 00:25:55,722 And it takes a sip and everything's great. And then the guy's like, 482 00:25:55,722 --> 00:26:00,060 "And now, it starts its 5,000-mile walk back... 483 00:26:01,144 --> 00:26:04,189 past through the Rabid Hyena Alley, 484 00:26:04,189 --> 00:26:07,943 through Poacher Junction and onto its precarious cliff." 485 00:26:07,943 --> 00:26:10,237 I'm like, "No! Just stay there! 486 00:26:10,237 --> 00:26:15,200 Stay by the water, you dumb fucking baby elephant! You need that to live! 487 00:26:15,200 --> 00:26:16,952 Why did you leave?" 488 00:26:16,952 --> 00:26:18,829 The birds are flying back. 489 00:26:18,829 --> 00:26:20,330 "No! Stay in the tree!" 490 00:26:20,330 --> 00:26:22,624 God! Pisses me off every time. 491 00:26:24,209 --> 00:26:28,380 It's so predictable. I'm like, "You do this every year!" 492 00:26:28,380 --> 00:26:30,799 And then, every nature documentary ends the same way. 493 00:26:30,799 --> 00:26:32,217 It's so depressing. 494 00:26:32,217 --> 00:26:35,220 They're like, you know, 495 00:26:35,220 --> 00:26:38,640 "We've ruined their habitat and they're all about to die." 496 00:26:38,640 --> 00:26:41,101 And I'm like, "All right, all right. I'm up. I'm up." You know? 497 00:26:41,101 --> 00:26:44,479 I don't know if you guys saw, Obama has a nature doc out. 498 00:26:44,479 --> 00:26:46,148 Have you guys seen that one? 499 00:26:46,148 --> 00:26:48,609 No? You guys should really check it out. It's gorgeous. 500 00:26:48,609 --> 00:26:50,777 You just know he would nail a drone shot. 501 00:26:53,947 --> 00:26:58,285 He had the nerve to end his the same way all the other ones do. 502 00:26:58,285 --> 00:26:59,453 You know, with this, like, warning. 503 00:26:59,453 --> 00:27:01,079 He, like, gets on there and he's like, 504 00:27:01,079 --> 00:27:03,081 "Well, and these animals..." 505 00:27:03,081 --> 00:27:05,918 I don't know why I'm trying to do an Obama, I've never done that in my life. 506 00:27:06,877 --> 00:27:08,295 We're gonna commit. He's like, 507 00:27:08,295 --> 00:27:10,923 "Well, uh, these baby animals are, 508 00:27:10,923 --> 00:27:14,801 you know, gonna lose their habitat unless we do something, 509 00:27:14,801 --> 00:27:16,220 you know, to fix this." 510 00:27:18,639 --> 00:27:19,723 And I'm like... 511 00:27:20,641 --> 00:27:23,936 Yeah, "We?" 512 00:27:23,936 --> 00:27:28,774 I was like, "Wasn't one of us president of the United States? 513 00:27:28,774 --> 00:27:33,153 Wasn't one of us, the most powerful man on the planet? 514 00:27:33,153 --> 00:27:37,157 And you want the both of us to figure out what to do?" 515 00:27:37,157 --> 00:27:39,493 Fucking bullshit! That is, like, such a man. 516 00:27:42,913 --> 00:27:44,373 But I mean, it does make sense. 517 00:27:44,373 --> 00:27:46,667 Like, of course, like, Obama couldn't have been, like, 518 00:27:46,667 --> 00:27:50,546 written some bill to save the African elephants and lions and tigers, 519 00:27:50,546 --> 00:27:53,841 'cause all the Republicans would have been, like, "I knew he was from Kenya!" 520 00:27:58,220 --> 00:27:59,429 I was... 521 00:27:59,429 --> 00:28:02,724 I was raised by my dad, not my mom. 522 00:28:02,724 --> 00:28:04,518 Anybody else have a story they never tell anybody? 523 00:28:07,104 --> 00:28:10,065 No? If anyone ever tells you they were raised by their dad and not their mom, 524 00:28:10,065 --> 00:28:12,901 just be like, "Oh, that's cool," and keep it walking. 525 00:28:12,901 --> 00:28:16,321 It is not cool. Is anyone here best friends with their mom? 526 00:28:16,321 --> 00:28:20,409 - You are? Fucking weirdo! 527 00:28:20,409 --> 00:28:23,078 That's so weird. Fucking best friends with my mom. 528 00:28:23,078 --> 00:28:26,373 I don't know. I just feel like, after you've spent a year sucking someone's tits, 529 00:28:26,373 --> 00:28:28,375 you can't walk that back. 530 00:28:31,336 --> 00:28:33,088 I think it's weird. 531 00:28:33,088 --> 00:28:36,550 My dad did an okay job. He was... He did an all right job, you know? 532 00:28:36,550 --> 00:28:38,427 I remember once, I was in high school, 533 00:28:38,427 --> 00:28:41,597 and I was out late partying with my musical theater friends. 534 00:28:41,597 --> 00:28:45,142 And I come in. I'm, like, sneaking in 535 00:28:45,142 --> 00:28:47,895 at, like, 3:00 in the morning, real quiet, you know? 536 00:28:47,895 --> 00:28:51,899 Like all, like, just, like, in the front door just, like, clickety-clack. 537 00:28:51,899 --> 00:28:54,067 Trying to close it. And right as I'm closing the front door, 538 00:28:54,067 --> 00:28:56,195 I hear the back door close. 539 00:28:56,195 --> 00:29:00,574 And my dad and I lock eyes from across the house. 540 00:29:00,574 --> 00:29:02,576 And he's like, "Did you just get in?" 541 00:29:02,576 --> 00:29:05,787 And I was like, "Yeah. Did you?" 542 00:29:05,787 --> 00:29:08,290 And he was like, "Good night." I was like, "Yes!" 543 00:29:09,750 --> 00:29:12,127 Raised by Dad for the win! 544 00:29:14,129 --> 00:29:16,006 I, um... 545 00:29:16,006 --> 00:29:18,008 I remember one time, I was in high school, 546 00:29:18,008 --> 00:29:22,596 and I was working on a paper for English class that was an argument paper. 547 00:29:22,596 --> 00:29:25,974 That's where you pick a controversial subject and you argue one side of it. 548 00:29:25,974 --> 00:29:29,436 I picked the topic of fertility drugs. I was anti-fertility drugs. 549 00:29:29,436 --> 00:29:31,438 You know, I was... In high school, I was all angsty. 550 00:29:31,438 --> 00:29:33,857 I was like, "If you can't procreate naturally, 551 00:29:33,857 --> 00:29:37,194 then nobody needs you or your science fiction baby!" 552 00:29:37,194 --> 00:29:38,570 You know? 553 00:29:38,570 --> 00:29:41,740 "Just flush your genes down the toilet, you loser!" 554 00:29:42,991 --> 00:29:44,618 And so, I'm going to town on this paper. 555 00:29:44,618 --> 00:29:47,162 My dad starts reading over my shoulder and he starts laughing. 556 00:29:47,162 --> 00:29:49,081 And I'm like, "What's your problem?" He's like, 557 00:29:49,081 --> 00:29:51,041 "Oh, my God, you don't know." 558 00:29:51,041 --> 00:29:53,252 He's like, "You're a fertility baby." 559 00:29:56,213 --> 00:29:57,923 And I'm like, "Excuse me. What? 560 00:29:57,923 --> 00:30:01,176 Like you and Mom took fertility drugs, and that's why I'm alive?" 561 00:30:01,176 --> 00:30:03,387 And he's like, "Yeah." 562 00:30:03,387 --> 00:30:06,056 I'm like, "Shit. 563 00:30:06,056 --> 00:30:08,767 You just gave me my closing argument!" 564 00:30:10,769 --> 00:30:13,647 If it weren't for fertility drugs, I wouldn't be stuck on this miserable planet 565 00:30:13,647 --> 00:30:16,024 where I don't know the circumstances surrounding my existence 566 00:30:16,024 --> 00:30:19,278 until I'm already writing an argument paper against it. 567 00:30:20,362 --> 00:30:21,405 Print! 568 00:30:23,448 --> 00:30:26,618 I don't know. I, uh... I'm still against fertility drugs. 569 00:30:26,618 --> 00:30:28,537 I'm against anything that makes babies. 570 00:30:29,997 --> 00:30:31,832 I don't need 'em. 571 00:30:31,832 --> 00:30:35,377 I had someone ask me recently, they were like, 572 00:30:35,377 --> 00:30:39,715 "If you became pregnant and you found out your baby was gonna be handicapped, 573 00:30:39,715 --> 00:30:41,633 would you get an abortion?" 574 00:30:41,633 --> 00:30:43,719 And I was like, "Cool first date." 575 00:30:43,719 --> 00:30:45,762 - Um... 576 00:30:45,762 --> 00:30:48,807 Cool. But, you know, I was like, "I don't know, I... 577 00:30:48,807 --> 00:30:53,103 I guess I'd get an abortion either way. 578 00:30:53,103 --> 00:30:57,482 You know? Like, a baby doesn't need to be handicapped for me to not want it, right? 579 00:30:59,484 --> 00:31:01,028 Where are my chicken fingers?" 580 00:31:04,656 --> 00:31:08,035 If you guys are clamming up now, you are not gonna like the next five minutes. 581 00:31:09,077 --> 00:31:11,663 So buckle up! 582 00:31:11,663 --> 00:31:14,082 Buckle up. I, uh... I do... 583 00:31:14,082 --> 00:31:15,584 I am worried about abortion rights. 584 00:31:15,584 --> 00:31:17,878 Sorry! Woman time on the show. 585 00:31:17,878 --> 00:31:20,297 - Um... Yeah. 586 00:31:20,297 --> 00:31:22,341 It is scary. It's getting so bad. 587 00:31:22,341 --> 00:31:24,760 It's been bad in Texas. Fuck. Texas. 588 00:31:24,760 --> 00:31:27,137 Texas has had a law on the books for a long time now, 589 00:31:27,137 --> 00:31:28,972 where you can't get an abortion there. 590 00:31:28,972 --> 00:31:32,476 The doctor is legally required to show you a sonogram of the baby 591 00:31:32,476 --> 00:31:33,977 before you get an abortion. 592 00:31:33,977 --> 00:31:36,813 Which is just truly so gross. 593 00:31:36,813 --> 00:31:39,149 Like, how is that supposed to go down, right? 594 00:31:39,149 --> 00:31:41,401 Like some girl's in the office, just like... 595 00:31:42,819 --> 00:31:46,073 "Yeah, I guess that does look like my rapist. 596 00:31:48,242 --> 00:31:50,869 It has his sneer and everything. 597 00:31:50,869 --> 00:31:53,372 Look at him hiding behind the shadows, just like him." 598 00:31:56,250 --> 00:31:57,918 It's fun. 599 00:31:57,918 --> 00:32:00,963 I, um... I once did a show, 600 00:32:00,963 --> 00:32:03,215 an out of town gig, and I was like racing to it. 601 00:32:03,215 --> 00:32:05,133 And, you know, I'm, like, getting on stage. 602 00:32:05,133 --> 00:32:07,302 And, like, right before I get on stage, 603 00:32:07,302 --> 00:32:09,513 the booker pulls me aside and he's like, 604 00:32:09,513 --> 00:32:14,226 "Oh, I forgot to tell you, no sex jokes. No sex jokes on the show." 605 00:32:14,226 --> 00:32:17,354 And I was like, "Oh, no! That's all I've got." You know? 606 00:32:17,354 --> 00:32:19,690 Uh, so I was like, "Oh, no." And then I... 607 00:32:19,690 --> 00:32:24,236 So I get on stage, and I just told 20 minutes of rape jokes. 608 00:32:24,236 --> 00:32:26,780 Just rape, rape, rape, rape, rape, rape. 609 00:32:26,780 --> 00:32:31,493 And I get off stage. Booker, not happy. 610 00:32:31,493 --> 00:32:33,495 Pulls me aside, he's like, "What the hell was that?" 611 00:32:33,495 --> 00:32:35,205 And I'm like, "Well, those are rape jokes. 612 00:32:35,205 --> 00:32:37,791 You know, that's... that's not about sex. That's about power." 613 00:32:41,670 --> 00:32:44,131 It's a pro-victim joke. These are all pro-victim rape jokes. 614 00:32:44,131 --> 00:32:46,675 Let's... Let's just be clear about that. 615 00:32:46,675 --> 00:32:49,928 Let's not pull this out of context. 616 00:32:49,928 --> 00:32:54,391 I am pro-victim. And pro for the victim, not pro "They're being victims." 617 00:32:57,060 --> 00:32:59,104 Just before we get confused. 618 00:32:59,897 --> 00:33:01,607 You guys like choking? 619 00:33:03,233 --> 00:33:05,444 - You guys getting choked? Who's getting choked? 620 00:33:05,444 --> 00:33:06,653 Yeah? Fuck, yeah! 621 00:33:06,653 --> 00:33:09,865 It's so crazy how... It's like a fad. 622 00:33:09,865 --> 00:33:13,118 There's, like, a choking fad now. Like, it never used to happen. 623 00:33:13,118 --> 00:33:16,788 And then, like, all of a sudden, everyone came in, like, that's their move. 624 00:33:16,788 --> 00:33:19,541 "I'm the choking guy now." It's the weirdest thing. 625 00:33:19,541 --> 00:33:23,253 Like, if we break down my entire sexual experience into the span of a year... 626 00:33:23,253 --> 00:33:26,840 Let's do this Carl Sagan style. 627 00:33:26,840 --> 00:33:31,553 If we broke it down into a year, then the first 11 months and 39... 628 00:33:31,553 --> 00:33:34,223 29 days and five minutes is no choking. 629 00:33:34,223 --> 00:33:37,059 And then, the last five minutes, just choking, choking, choking. 630 00:33:37,059 --> 00:33:39,311 And I don't even know how it happened, you know? 631 00:33:39,311 --> 00:33:42,731 Like, most of the guys I have sex with don't even take their shirt off. 632 00:33:46,818 --> 00:33:50,113 "You're pretty self-conscious about your weight for a sex-addicted misogynist." 633 00:33:52,324 --> 00:33:56,745 You guys ever look at a child just to figure out what a pedophile sees in them? 634 00:33:58,997 --> 00:34:01,083 No, 'cause you're not... No, 'cause you're not one. 635 00:34:01,083 --> 00:34:03,293 'Cause you're not one! 636 00:34:03,293 --> 00:34:06,213 You know, 'cause you're not one? No, because... All right, go with me here for a second. 637 00:34:06,213 --> 00:34:08,465 Like, 'cause, you know... Because it's like, 638 00:34:08,465 --> 00:34:11,510 what is so sexy about these kids 639 00:34:11,510 --> 00:34:13,887 that is worth ruining their lives over, you know? 640 00:34:13,887 --> 00:34:15,597 Pedophiles don't wanna be pedophiles. 641 00:34:15,597 --> 00:34:20,227 So, just to see... just to see what's so enticing to them. 642 00:34:20,227 --> 00:34:23,105 All right, go with me for a second. All right. Okay, like... 643 00:34:23,105 --> 00:34:26,108 Every straight person in here has, at some point, 644 00:34:26,108 --> 00:34:29,736 looked at someone of the same sex just to see if they were gay. 645 00:34:32,406 --> 00:34:35,200 So maybe you've gotta do that with kids, you know? 646 00:34:35,200 --> 00:34:37,619 Just to see, just to make sure you're not. 647 00:34:37,619 --> 00:34:39,454 Just to make sure you're not, you know? 648 00:34:39,454 --> 00:34:41,790 Because it's better to know. It's better to know. 649 00:34:41,790 --> 00:34:43,250 You can't just have it creep up on you, 650 00:34:43,250 --> 00:34:45,794 and all of a sudden, you're trying to fuck a kid. 651 00:34:45,794 --> 00:34:48,380 You know? You should know that ahead of time. It's less dangerous. 652 00:34:48,380 --> 00:34:50,215 I don't know what you're gonna do about it. 653 00:34:50,215 --> 00:34:52,217 I don't know, maybe take a naked picture of yourself when you're a kid, 654 00:34:52,217 --> 00:34:54,261 look at it later. 655 00:34:54,261 --> 00:34:57,222 I don't know. I'm not solving all the problems. You know? 656 00:34:58,265 --> 00:35:00,100 And you can't just look at one. 657 00:35:02,644 --> 00:35:04,104 You look at one, you don't wanna fuck it, 658 00:35:04,104 --> 00:35:05,189 you know, you're like, "Oh, thank God." 659 00:35:05,189 --> 00:35:06,690 But what if that one wasn't your type? 660 00:35:08,025 --> 00:35:10,444 You know, you gotta look at a few, you know? 661 00:35:10,444 --> 00:35:12,905 Short ones, fat ones, kids who climb on rocks. 662 00:35:16,491 --> 00:35:19,661 I feel like you guys are getting very uncomfortable right now. 663 00:35:19,661 --> 00:35:23,081 And that is your fault. That is on you. That is not my problem. 664 00:35:23,081 --> 00:35:26,210 All right? Those of us who can intellectually think about this 665 00:35:26,210 --> 00:35:28,337 and hear the word pedophile over and over 666 00:35:28,337 --> 00:35:32,716 know it's not going to make us pedophiles just because we heard the word, you know? 667 00:35:32,716 --> 00:35:37,221 Like, I know I'm not a pedophile because I've looked at a lot of children. 668 00:35:40,557 --> 00:35:42,559 That went like I thought it would. 669 00:35:43,519 --> 00:35:44,770 And that is fine. 670 00:35:45,646 --> 00:35:47,064 I'm from Arizona. 671 00:35:47,064 --> 00:35:49,107 So I've done cocaine with my dad. 672 00:35:51,151 --> 00:35:52,778 You guys like cocaine? 673 00:35:52,778 --> 00:35:55,781 - I don't really get cocaine's popularity. 674 00:35:55,781 --> 00:35:58,867 I haven't had fun the last 30 or 40 times I've done it. 675 00:36:00,118 --> 00:36:01,578 I physically can't say no to coke. 676 00:36:01,578 --> 00:36:03,705 You could offer it to me on a spinning bike tire, 677 00:36:03,705 --> 00:36:06,792 I'd be like, "I got it. 678 00:36:06,792 --> 00:36:08,669 That's gonna come back around." 679 00:36:08,669 --> 00:36:10,045 I didn't mean to do coke with my dad. 680 00:36:10,045 --> 00:36:11,797 That was kind of a Thanksgiving miracle. 681 00:36:12,714 --> 00:36:14,633 I, um... 682 00:36:14,633 --> 00:36:17,970 I was home for the holidays, and I was snooping through my mom's old closet. 683 00:36:17,970 --> 00:36:20,597 You know, they're divorced, you know, like all of yours. 684 00:36:20,597 --> 00:36:25,102 And she left a lot of really cool stuff behind. She was out in a real rush. 685 00:36:25,102 --> 00:36:30,232 So I'm looking around and I find this coke mirror that hadn't been there before. 686 00:36:30,232 --> 00:36:34,278 And I know it was a coke mirror because it was huge, and it was covered in coke. 687 00:36:36,405 --> 00:36:38,907 But I make sure, you know? I'm not just gonna walk away. 688 00:36:38,907 --> 00:36:40,909 I gotta make sure my dad's getting the good stuff. 689 00:36:40,909 --> 00:36:45,372 So I start doing gummers off of it. Like it's my last day in Los Angeles, you know? 690 00:36:45,372 --> 00:36:47,040 Just like... 691 00:36:47,040 --> 00:36:50,002 You know, like, "I hope this writers' strike ends." You know? 692 00:36:50,002 --> 00:36:52,004 And I'm going to town on this mirror. 693 00:36:52,004 --> 00:36:54,464 My dad catches me. He shows up in the closet doorway. 694 00:36:54,464 --> 00:36:56,925 And I'm like, "Oh, shit. I'm busted!" Right? 695 00:36:56,925 --> 00:37:01,889 And then I'm like, "Wait, no. You're busted. 696 00:37:01,889 --> 00:37:06,435 You're the one who raised a daughter who's licking a cocaine mirror." 697 00:37:06,435 --> 00:37:09,605 Like, 'Et tu, Daddy?'" You know? 698 00:37:10,898 --> 00:37:12,691 And he's all disappointed, obviously. 699 00:37:12,691 --> 00:37:17,279 He's like, "Oh, fuck, Myka. You like cocaine?" And I had to be like, 700 00:37:17,279 --> 00:37:21,200 "Yeah, everybody does." 701 00:37:21,200 --> 00:37:26,455 And then he surprises me. He's like, "Well, do you want to do some?" 702 00:37:26,455 --> 00:37:30,751 And I'm like, "Mmm, no. Just give me some." 703 00:37:32,085 --> 00:37:34,796 Like, I'm not gonna do coke with Daddy. 704 00:37:34,796 --> 00:37:36,381 That's gross, you know? 705 00:37:36,381 --> 00:37:37,841 'Cause you know when you're doing coke regular style, 706 00:37:37,841 --> 00:37:39,176 not with your dad... 707 00:37:42,221 --> 00:37:46,016 You're at a bar and you're all yakked out and you start saying crazy shit 708 00:37:46,016 --> 00:37:47,476 you would never say if you were sober. 709 00:37:47,476 --> 00:37:49,478 You know, going up to strangers, being like, 710 00:37:49,478 --> 00:37:51,813 "You know, I was a virgin when I graduated high school. 711 00:37:51,813 --> 00:37:54,233 And now I only fuck professional hockey players." 712 00:37:55,359 --> 00:37:57,027 Or, like, whatever is your truth. 713 00:37:58,737 --> 00:38:00,656 So I was like, I can't be on coke around my dad. 714 00:38:00,656 --> 00:38:02,741 That conversation could get super weird. 715 00:38:02,741 --> 00:38:04,409 You know, but he was, like, really insistent. 716 00:38:04,409 --> 00:38:05,953 He's like, "The first round's free." 717 00:38:05,953 --> 00:38:07,204 I'm like, "Fine." 718 00:38:09,164 --> 00:38:11,875 So, next thing you know, he and I are raking lines on the poker table 719 00:38:11,875 --> 00:38:14,044 that counts as a dinner table when you're a divorced dad. 720 00:38:15,712 --> 00:38:18,215 And, sure enough, we start having that cokey conversation. 721 00:38:18,215 --> 00:38:21,218 It was so awkward. Just line after line. Just like... 722 00:38:26,890 --> 00:38:28,392 "Remember, Mom?" 723 00:38:30,352 --> 00:38:32,104 "The fuck was that about?" 724 00:38:34,481 --> 00:38:40,070 Um, cool. So, I agreed to do this special five days ago, 725 00:38:40,070 --> 00:38:41,780 which is kind of insane. 726 00:38:41,780 --> 00:38:43,574 But that's, like, the type of thing that happens in show business. 727 00:38:43,574 --> 00:38:45,492 It's just, like, so hard to get ahead. 728 00:38:45,492 --> 00:38:48,787 And that's exactly the reason why there's footage of me saying the N-word. 729 00:38:48,787 --> 00:38:49,872 Don't leave! 730 00:38:51,498 --> 00:38:56,003 I was auditioning for a sketch comedy show 731 00:38:56,003 --> 00:38:58,005 where that word was required in the script. 732 00:38:58,005 --> 00:39:02,342 The show was written by a Black person and for Black people. 733 00:39:02,342 --> 00:39:05,304 Um, I legally can't say which show it is. 734 00:39:05,304 --> 00:39:07,514 - It was Michael Che's sketch show. 735 00:39:07,514 --> 00:39:09,141 The audition was to play a Karen, too. 736 00:39:09,141 --> 00:39:10,726 And it was like... I was like, "All right, fuck you." 737 00:39:10,726 --> 00:39:12,686 I thought I was a little hipper than that, but whatever. 738 00:39:12,686 --> 00:39:15,731 And it said in the script that you had to say this. 739 00:39:15,731 --> 00:39:17,399 At first, it said in the breakdown... 740 00:39:17,399 --> 00:39:19,568 That's like, where it tells you what to do, for showbiz people. 741 00:39:19,568 --> 00:39:22,946 It says... It says, "You must be comfortable being racist." 742 00:39:22,946 --> 00:39:25,866 And I was like, "Yes. Great. Totally." You know? Like... 743 00:39:25,866 --> 00:39:28,202 I'm like, "Listen..." Like, I was like, "I'm Jewish." 744 00:39:28,202 --> 00:39:30,287 If they had said, "You have to say the Holocaust never happened," 745 00:39:30,287 --> 00:39:32,748 I'd be like, "Where do I sign for the check?" 746 00:39:32,748 --> 00:39:35,000 Uh, so I was like, "Okay, great." 747 00:39:35,000 --> 00:39:39,671 And... And then they were like, "You know, you have to... you have to say it, 748 00:39:39,671 --> 00:39:43,509 the full word, in the audition just to make sure." 749 00:39:43,509 --> 00:39:45,761 And I'm like, "Wait, make sure of what?" You know? 750 00:39:45,761 --> 00:39:50,098 Like, that... Like, when I get on set, I'm not going to be like, 751 00:39:50,098 --> 00:39:52,976 "Get out of here, you... nincompoop!" 752 00:39:52,976 --> 00:39:56,647 You know? Like, just freak out. So... 753 00:39:56,647 --> 00:39:58,690 And this was happening during COVID, 754 00:39:58,690 --> 00:40:02,027 and where we had to do... You couldn't go in to the audition anymore. 755 00:40:02,027 --> 00:40:04,154 You had to do what's called a self-tape. 756 00:40:04,154 --> 00:40:09,409 And so that means I had to set a camera up in my home 757 00:40:09,409 --> 00:40:12,829 and say my lines into the camera, right? 758 00:40:12,829 --> 00:40:19,628 So I... That meant I was at home saying the N-word over and over again 759 00:40:19,628 --> 00:40:22,631 until it sounded... good? 760 00:40:24,216 --> 00:40:26,343 I don't know. And meanwhile, like, I'm in... 761 00:40:26,343 --> 00:40:28,053 I'm in Brooklyn. I'm in a shitty apartment. 762 00:40:28,053 --> 00:40:30,764 The walls are thin. I just know my neighbors are walking around, 763 00:40:30,764 --> 00:40:34,351 like, hearing this, just being like, "I knew she was a Karen!" 764 00:40:34,351 --> 00:40:36,478 - You know? 765 00:40:36,478 --> 00:40:39,898 And then, you do the recording and then you send it in to the lady. 766 00:40:39,898 --> 00:40:41,608 And I shouldn't have sent it in, you know? 767 00:40:41,608 --> 00:40:43,402 I could have just, like, left that footage with me, but I didn't. 768 00:40:43,402 --> 00:40:45,362 So I sent it in. And, meanwhile, I'm like, 769 00:40:45,362 --> 00:40:49,533 "I wonder if they just took every white comedian lady saying the N-word, 770 00:40:49,533 --> 00:40:52,119 and they just, like, released it all at once as, like, blackmail?" 771 00:40:52,119 --> 00:40:53,495 Like, what if they were gonna do that? 772 00:40:53,495 --> 00:40:56,623 It's like the Fappenning, but for racists. 773 00:40:56,623 --> 00:41:00,627 And the worst part about it is, I didn't even get the part. 774 00:41:02,212 --> 00:41:05,382 So now I'm sitting there like, "Who said it better than me?" 775 00:41:07,217 --> 00:41:09,052 Okay, you guys, thank you so much! 776 00:41:09,052 --> 00:41:10,304 I'm Myka Fox.