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EMCEE: Ladies and gentlemen please put your hands together for Myka Fox!
[CROWD CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]
Hello!
Hello.
Yes! Thank you so much.
Thank you!
Oh, that felt so nice, you guys.
I live in a bad neighborhood in Brooklyn.
Anybody else poor or pretending to be?
- [SCATTERED CLAPPING] - Yeah? Cool. Awesome.
It's so hard to get an apartment in New York.
I swear to God, I had to do an interview with the landlord.
It was like... It was like a date without cocktails.
It was horrendous.
At one point, he goes like, "Are you Jewish?"
And I'm like, "Oh, my God." Like, "I think I could sue you for asking me that."
He's like, "Wonderful. You're Jewish."
[CROWD LAUGHS]
It's, um... I am Jewish. I, uh...
It goes against everything in me to admit that in public.
It goes against all my training.
I'm not supposed to do that.
When I was a kid, my mom used to tuck me into bed at night, being like,
"Good Night. The Holocaust could happen again."
I'm like, "Jesus Christ! Fucking crazy bitch!"
[CROWD LAUGHS]
But now, like, it kind of looks like it might, you know?
Like, anti-Semitism is on the rise.
You know, like Kanye, Kyrie, my boyfriend...
all hate me, you know?
I, uh...
It's a bad neighborhood. I, uh...
There's homeless people in the neighborhood. It's so sad, you know?
But you try to make the best of it.
So, like, now, when I take my trash out, I put colored tissue paper in it.
So, that way, when they go through it, it looks like they're opening a present.
[CROWD LAUGHS]
Um, they were mad at me.
Well, there's a lot of drug addicts in my neighborhood, too.
And, you know, they always come up to you. They, like, jump out from everywhere.
People are like,
"You should carry pepper spray." You know? "Be safe. Carry pepper spray."
I'm like, "Have you met a crackhead?" Like...
They... They've built a tolerance.
[CROWD LAUGHS]
They're not getting taken down by pepper spray.
But what I have seen... Like, they don't even sit down to sleep.
[CROWD LAUGHS]
But I have started carrying Narcan.
That's the move, right?
If any crackhead comes up to me, you know, like, being like, "Hey, lady, what's up?"
I'm just like... [MIMICS SPRAYING] "Now you're sober."
[CROWD LAUGHS]
"Bet you didn't want that."
They just, like, look at me up and down like,
"Umm, you know what? Never mind. My mistake, miss.
I thought you were someone else."
You know, I think I might be lonely.
[CROWD LAUGHS]
Thank you.
The other day, I was walking through the park and I tried to pet a bird.
I don't know. I don't know what I thought.
Like, I'm Snow White, you know?
And like, I don't know, it was just like, "Oh, this is soft and warm."
You know, and it flew away, like everything in my life.
[CROWD LAUGHS]
And I'm like, "Oh, shit!" Like, "Who saw that?"
You know? Like, "What, like, hipster TikTok piece of shit
just saw that, TikTok-ed it with some caption.
'Girl gets rejected by bird.'"
And now I'm famous for that.
And so I'm looking around, and I find...
The only person who saw it was a homeless person.
I'm like, "Yes. They do not have a big social reach."
And he caught my eye because he was, like, a heavier homeless person,
which I'll never understand how that happens. But...
He's sitting on a bench. He was a heavier homeless guy, and he was sitting like this,
and he was shaking his legs like this.
And because he was, like, a heavier man, he had this extra leg meat
that was swinging pendulously underneath his legs,
and it would smack together. So much so that it made a smacking noise.
It was just like, smack, smack, smack.
And I am getting into it.
You know? It was hypnotizing!
What could I do, right?
So I'm, like, watching his, like, legs undulate.
And it takes me a minute to realize what was happening,
which was, he was smacking his leg meat against his junk to get himself off.
[CROWD EXCLAIMS]
I know. I was there.
And in that moment, he and I, like, locked eyes.
And he reached out for me.
And I was like, "Yeah, still got it!"
"Fuck you, bird! At least this guy wants me."
You guys, you know, I'm really excited about Al Pacino's baby.
Robert De Niro's baby.
You guys fucking stoked for those old people's babies?
Those fucking octogenarians, yes!
80 years old, 90 years old, just jizzing in some random lady.
We don't know who it is. Just fucking dropping dusty old cum in those ladies.
Fucking who knows? And who is it? It could be you.
It could be. Was it you? Who's letting these people...
I love it. Oh, my... Yeah, keep doing it. Keep...
Alec Baldwin, keep pumping jizz in that fake Hispanic lady.
- Just... - [CROWD LAUGHS]
We need more people for popstars to fuck. Keep procreating.
That's good jizz. We need... I mean, who cares if you're miles old?
I think being an octogenarian dad
is the nicest thing you could do as a father.
Truly the nicest thing that you could do.
You have your kid. Maybe you live to see it graduate high school. Maybe.
[CROWD LAUGHS]
Then you die, leave 'em your inheritance.
Beautiful! [MIMICS KISS]
Perfect. We don't need you after high school.
My dad's still alive. There isn't a single thing he's said
that's more valuable than a house down payment.
[CROWD LAUGHS]
Just die already.
[CROWD LAUGHS]
Instead, I have to watch him get all old and weird.
He's on his third roommate. What is that?
Why do you have so many roommates? It's not for money.
He's just lonely and weird, you know?
He was living with this guy named Dan.
Dan was this opinionated weirdo.
He died in our guest bedroom.
He died in there. Anyone... Anyone wanna guess from what?
Alcoholism. Correct.
Obviously! Obviously, it's alcoholism.
I would drink myself to death, too, if I had to live with my weird old dad.
And don't start feeling bad for Dan, all right?
It was kind of great. He died the day before Thanksgiving, and I was like,
"Fuck, yes. Now no one's gonna touch the mashed potatoes with their fingers."
[CROWD LAUGHS]
It was a win for Myka.
And it was kind of cool, 'cause I was home for the holidays.
So I'm like, now I get to snoop through Dan's old room, you know?
See what was going on in there. 'Cause it's rude to do when they're still alive.
[CROWD LAUGHS]
But I was like, "He's gone. I can do this."
So I go in there and...
Anyone wanna guess what I found?
Alcohol. Mormon gets it.
[CROWD LAUGHS]
He... Of course. But so much alcohol. So much alcohol, Mormon.
There was 20 or 30 half-drank bottles of vodka in there.
20 or 30. I'm like, "Oh, fuck. I see what the problem was there.
This guy can't finish what he starts."
[CROWD LAUGHS]
What are you doing with so many bottles?
You finish one, then you drink another one. Maybe you have one backup.
One. Not 20 or 30. Come on, man! This is basic economics.
If you did that, maybe you wouldn't have had to live with my weird old dad.
But I was like, I'll finish them, you know?
So... You know, it's the holidays. I'm like, "I can't stand to be sober."
So I go to drink one of these vodka bottles.
My dad comes in right at that moment. He's pissed about it.
He's like, "Myka!" He's like, "What the hell are you doing?"
He's like, "You're not supposed to drink a dead man's liquor."
And I'm like, "Oh, shit. I didn't know you were a pirate."
[CROWD LAUGHS]
"Fuck! There are rules. Yo-ho to Dan!"
[CROWD LAUGHS]
I did... I did do sober January.
Did any of you guys get tricked by your friends into being a dork?
Did you do it with friends or alone?
- MAN: A couple of friends. - A couple of friends. How does that happen?
How does that... "Hey, you guys wanna, like, all get together
and make eye contact and remember our conversations
and realize we were never really friends without the alcohol?"
It's like, how is that... how is that a friend thing? It's terrible.
- I read the Twelve Step book. Anyone read that? - MAN: Oh, yeah.
You read the Twelve Step book? I, uh... I didn't like it.
I don't see the point in reading a book you can't brag about at a party.
- No. - [CROWD LAUGHING]
It's like, if I'm gonna finish that thing, I wanna chat. I, uh...
Here's the thing, they lie to you in that book.
Maybe you didn't notice that. I did. It's not 12 steps. It's 13 steps.
There's a... There's a cheat step before you get to the first one.
I don't know why they don't just tell you how many steps it is.
They're like, "You drunk piece of shit!
You can't handle knowing how many steps this is."
I'm like, "Yeah, you're right. I did just fall down 15."
[CROWD LAUGHS]
There's a step before you do the first one.
Besides my pro here, anyone wanna guess what it is?
- MAN: Drink? - Drink? Who said that?
You did? What's your name?
- MAN: Fausto. - Fausto. Everyone, give it up for Fausto!
[CROWD APPLAUDING]
- He is wrong. He is wrong. - [CROWD LAUGHS]
That is not it. But it was a really brave guess. And thank you so much.
Anybody else wanna take a stab at that?
- MAN 1: No. - MAN 2: Quit.
- No, did you say quit? - MAN 2: Yeah.
Quit? It should be that, right?
It should be that. You know, people say "stop drinking" too. "Stop drinking."
Not in the book at all.
Nowhere in the book does it tell you to stop drinking.
That should be the only step. You should open that book, it should say, "Stop drinking."
And then you turn the page, it's just blank pages from there on out.
There's nothing else. You did it. They're like, "Yeah, here's some crayons.
Why don't you go draw about the times you used to be fun?"
[CROWD LAUGHS]
The step before... The first step is,
you have to find acceptance or something. I don't know. I didn't get that far.
[CROWD LAUGHS]
But this... The pre-step is, you have to hit rock bottom.
We sure that's a good idea?
Is that... Really? You know? Like, how do they even know where rock bottom is?
Like, don't limit my potential about how bad things can get.
How is that a good idea?
I'm just picturing a person going into their first AA meeting,
like, trying to better themselves.
You know, coming in there being like, "Hey, man. You know, I could use some help."
And the guy leading is just like, "Hold it right there.
Do you still have custody of your kids?"
They're like, "What? Oh, you're in the PTA? Fucking take a hike!
Come back when you're too drunk to go to your daughter's funeral."
[CROWD LAUGHS]
[CROWD APPLAUDING]
I will wait for an applause break. Fuck, yeah.
You guys can do that as much as you want.
I have a lot of time to fill and not a lot to say.
[CROWD LAUGHS]
I, uh...
I don't even consider myself an alcoholic.
I consider myself a pothead.
- Anybody else? There we go! - [CROWD CHEERING]
Okay. This is my crowd in the front row.
We're watching you. [LAUGHS]
You guys are too stoned to say no to the front.
Good... Bless your hearts.
Um...
So... And good job leaving the house. I applaud that.
So you guys know, like, as a pothead,
like, the Twelve Step book couldn't help us.
Like, there is no rock bottom for being a pothead, you know?
Like, I think the worst thing I ever did when I was high was buy that Twelve Step book.
[CROWD LAUGHS]
And this other time, I accidentally smoked a candle wick.
And now my bong smells like a gift from somebody who doesn't know me very well.
[CROWD LAUGHS]
What can I say? I, uh... I am a cat person.
- Do we have any other cat people in here? - [CROWD CHEERING]
Hell, yes!
I love that enthusiasm.
You're pointing to her like you're outing her.
Dear God, she's like, "This is a cat person and, also, she's a Jew."
[CROWD LAUGHS]
Be careful. That is not your friend.
But it is... I'm so proud of you guys.
I'm so proud of you guys for applauding being cat people.
Sometimes I ask and everyone's, like, so shy
because, as cat people, we're shamed in society, aren't we?
There's a lot of patriarchal cat shaming going on, you know?
They call you "Crazy cat lady."
For... For what? For why? For loving your pet?
It's just your pet. No other pet lover catches that kind of smoke.
You know? They don't call them "Crazy dog people,"
even though dog people are way crazier. Right?
- WOMAN: Yes. - Like, yes. Who are my dog people?
[CROWD CHEERING]
You guys...
You're nuts. You're so much crazier than cat people.
I see what you do.
You dress your dogs up.
You stick 'em in parades. You suck their dicks.
[CROWD LAUGHS]
I think that's crazy.
I love my cat. I'm not ashamed to admit it. We do everything together.
We go to the bathroom together.
And not just she goes in there while I'm in there.
She climbs up on the space on the back of the toilet.
And we ride it together. Like a motorcycle.
[CROWD LAUGHS]
I FaceTime my pets. You guys FaceTime your pets?
- [CROWD CHEERING] - [LAUGHS] Okay.
It's weird, right?
It's weird, 'cause it takes another person, you know?
Like, I'll have to call up... Like, FaceTime my boyfriend,
and he'll pick up all excited to hear from me, and I'll be like,
"Hey, honey... Can you put the cat on?
I miss the cat."
The cat has been sending me TikToks of his grandpa shaving his balls.
[CROWS LAUGHS]
And then it's, like, me... Basically, me making my boyfriend help me
cyber with the cat, you know?
Like, I'll be like, "Put the cat on.
Yup. She looks good.
She looks real good.
Um...
Now pet her.
Yeah, pet her for me.
No patter like I pet her. Right behind the ear. Yeah.
Keep going. Keep going. Just like that.
Is she purring?
Nah, she's faking that.
- We both do that." - [CROWD LAUGHS]
I do have a boyfriend. Sorry to just bring that up in the middle of conversation.
I love him, too.
That's what I say. I say it all the time.
I kind of have to, you know? There's some things you say on cocaine
you can't take back.
It's like, "You gotta keep saying it or you're a drug addict."
[CROWD LAUGHS]
He does that thing, too, where I'll tell him I love him,
and he'll be like, "I love you more."
And I'm like... "Yeah, I know."
[ALL LAUGHING]
"Stop bringing it up. You're bumming me out."
Is anyone in here in love?
- [CHEERING] - Uh-oh. [LAUGHS]
I heard, like, one clap...
in this... where there's clearly a couple.
That's an uncomfortable car ride home tonight.
Um, everyone else is like, "Please don't make me say it yet."
Don't say it. Don't say it too soon.
You can never walk it back.
'Cause once you say I love you, you can no longer say "Goodbye" to that person.
[CROWD LAUGHS]
Like, if you end a conversation with them saying "Goodbye,"
it sounds like you're saying "Go fuck yourself!" Right?
So, like, I'll be leaving the house, you know, to get away from my boyfriend.
And I'll have to do the thing, you know? Or I'm like, "Okay, I'm going. I love you."
- [CROWD LAUGHS] - All right?
And then I'll go... And then, like, God forbid, I forget something.
And I have to, like, go back in there and do that again,
and just be like, "Oh, I forgot my headphones. I love you."
It's like, "Oh, my God, I can't believe I have to lie every time I leave my house."
He's so poor, too.
I mean, it is nice. It's just the two of us.
So we have no kids, and so we're like a double income family.
But I do earn both of those, so...
[CROWD LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS]
So, kind of sucks, you know?
He, um... He can't read either. He's so dumb. He's, like...
He's like half Irish, half Italian.
"And so I'm like, "Oh, good. He got an Irish person's dick and an Italian person's brains."
[CROWD EXCLAIMS AND LAUGHS]
Perfect. Nailed it.
Got it.
He gained 40 pounds over the pandemic.
40! 40.
Hear that again, 40 pounds.
The national average was 30.
It's the only thing I've seen him excel at since we've been together.
[CROWD LAUGHS]
40 pounds! Oh, my God, right?
It's crazy, too, 'cause the second the pandemic hit,
the first thing I did was google "prison workout."
I'm like, "We're in a studio apartment."
I'm like, "If these guys can do it in an eight by eight cell,
we can figure this out here." You know?
And so I'd be, like, on the floor, working out. He'd be on the bed.
There's only two places to be in a studio.
And he'd be just, like, watching me from the bed. I'm, like, looking up like,
"Hey, can we trade places?
You know, you're taking more and more of the bed every second."
[CROWD LAUGHS]
Wouldn't... wouldn't work out.
I figured out, though, a way to trick him into working out.
And this trick will work on any man, all right?
So, ladies, if you've got a fatty at home, listen up.
All right.
Let's say you want a man to do pushups.
All you have to do is do push ups in front of him...
wrong.
[CROWD LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS]
Oh! You guys are so predictably obnoxious.
Oh, my... It works every freaking time, right?
I'm doing pushups, right?
My boyfriend hasn't done 'em in, like, six years by the looks of him.
[CROWD LAUGHS]
He sees me doing him, immediately he's like, "That's not how you do it."
Just spraying Dorito dust all over his PlayStation.
Next, you know, he's like, on the floor, trying to show me.
And I'm like, "Oh, my God, it's happening."
I'm like, "That's great. Yeah, show me again.
Next time, why don't you show me 50 to 100 more times?
How about, next, you show me how to make more money than me, you broke a piece of shit!"
[CROWD LAUGHS]
Don't feel bad for him. I know. You guys probably feel bad for him right now.
Really, you don't have to. He knows I'm a comic
and he's heard these jokes, and he laughs and laughs, 'cause he doesn't get them.
- So... - [CROWD LAUGHS]
It's fine. I'll probably marry him.
I give up. I'm done.
I can't. I've been on every first date.
I can't do any more. They're all the same. You know, like,
"How many siblings do you have? Where'd you go to college?"
It's like, "I don't remember. Leave me alone."
- [CROWD LAUGHS] - Who can remember those things?
I... I just... I can't do anymore.
I've been... I've been single for...
Before my boyfriend, I was single for 14 years.
So I've already fucked all of you.
[CROWD LAUGHS]
Like, not individually, but in general, you know? I get it.
I was doing a lot of one-night stands.
It's not like I like having sex. I just hadn't slept with that many people,
and I didn't want the people I've already slept with
to feel like they were so special, you know?
It's like, "Easy there, fat magician. I wasn't saving my fourth time for you."
If you do get the chance to fuck a magician, though,
[KISSES] I highly recommend it. Beautiful.
When they ejaculate, they keep coming and coming in different colors.
- [CROWD LAUGHS] - Like they do with scarves.
They'll make your heterosexuality disappear.
[CROWD LAUGHS]
I have seen it all, though.
I was once having sex with this guy, and in the middle of it,
he started barking like a dog.
- Oh, do you know Dave? Oh. - [ALL LAUGHING]
I was like, "We should trade notes, for sure."
But he thought he was being sexy. He was like...
[MIMICS DOG WOOFING] Like that.
He's like... [MIMICS GROWLING]
I'm just like, "Oh, my God.
Like, I can't believe you trusted me with that."
[CROWD LAUGHS]
"Like, I'm gonna run straight to a microphone with this shit, you know?"
I didn't wanna finish having sex.
I just wanted to tell everyone that that's what he was into, you know?
And I didn't know what to do, you know?
'Cause I'm used to fucking people. Like...
What's the fantasy here? A girl gets banged by a dog? Pass.
You know, but he's inside me, so I gotta make a call. Um...
[CROWD LAUGHS]
So I was like, I don't know, how do I make this not some, like, weird bestiality thing.
I was like, I guess, If I'm also a dog...
or something. So, like, I'm sitting there, like,
trying to find the courage to, I don't know, like...
- [BARKS] - [ALL LAUGH]
And... You know when you're fucking a dude, and he's barking like a dog,
and it's your turn to bark, and you can't?
[CROWD LAUGHS]
I don't know what to do either.
So I just ended up dating him for six months.
And then he moved to LA. They're not all fairytales.
I told you guys dog people were crazier.
[ALL LAUGHING]
I, um...
You guys like dirty talk?
MAN: What?
[LAUGHS]
You guys were... Except for that one random utterance,
you guys were totally silent,
which means you do.
But you like it how I like it, or it's like, "Yeah, but you do it."
[CROWD LAUGHS]
Yeah, there it is.
I, uh... Like, I love dirty talk. It's my favorite thing,
But I hate to reciprocate it. I think it's so embarrassing.
Like, I think the worst thing you could say to me in bed is, "What?"
[CROWD LAUGHS]
"Absolutely not. I'm never gonna repeat that again.
You should've heard that the first time, Grandpa."
It can just, like, go so wrong, you know?
Because, like, it can't be scripted out,
or then it's, like, too predictable,
and you have to be banging someone who can read.
- [CROWD LAUGHS] - [SIGHS]
Yeah, I don't know where to find that.
You know, it just can go so wrong.
Like, I was once having sex with this guy,
and we get to the end of our show, let's call it,
and he leans in, and he goes like,
"Where do you want me to come?
And I was like, "Oh, fuck, I have to pick?
[GROANS]
I make a million decisions in the day. I'm a professional woman.
You couldn't even pick where we went to dinner." You know?
But they make it seem like it's a romantic gesture.
[CROWD LAUGHS]
Like, I get to choose.
[CROWD LAUGHS]
You know, like, chivalry ain't dead.
You know, like, here comes Sir Lancelot.
Just like, "Where would you like my jizz, milady?"
And I'm supposed to be like "Oh, my God, is it Valentine's Day again?"
[ALL LAUGHING]
Is this what's left of my woman's right to choose?
[CROWD LAUGHS]
And it's a bullshit question anyway,
'cause it's not like they're giving you a lot of time to decide.
[CROWD LAUGHS]
You can't be like, "Can I sleep on it?"
But you will. You will. Um...
[CROWD LAUGHS]
Here's why it's a bullshit question,
is the man already knows where they wanna come by the time they ask that.
They just want you to say, so they don't get in trouble for picking it.
I'm on to you, all right? I'm on to you.
And you can ask me a million times, I'm never gonna say the face.
All right?
I'm not gonna say the face.
I don't know if any of you guys are into the face. Mazel.
I call bullshit on the face.
[CROWD LAUGHS]
I call shenanigans on the face. I don't believe in it.
I've slept with enough men to know that most of you
are not making it to the face.
[CROWD LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS]
A lot of... lot of dribblers out there.
[CROWD LAUGHS]
A lot of... It's like trying to get to one of those broken water fountains.
- Just... - [CROWD LAUGHS]
"I... I think it's coming out."
It's like, "Oh, you wanna come on my face right now."
I gotta, like, climb on down there,
put my face right up to the tip, like a puppy looking for the nipple, like...
[CROWD LAUGHS]
"Good job, honey.
You did it."
"Where do you want me to come?"
"I don't know. How about the trash can?
Is that cool? I'll bring it right to you.
We can save that jizz a nine-month trip."
[CROWD EXCLAIMS AND LAUGHS]
That's a dumpster baby joke, not an abortion joke.
In that joke, I carry the baby to term,
then I give birth to it, and then I throw it out in the trash.
My joke, my choice.
[CROWD LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS]
Thank you.
I've been... I've been watching a lot of nature documentaries.
You guys like those?
- [SCATTERED APPLAUSE] - I love them. Yeah.
Fuck, yeah.
Yeah. Fuck, yeah! Let's woo nature documentaries. Let's get fucking crazy.
I like to... I like to get high. I like to watch 'em falling asleep, you know?
It, like, calms me down, 'cause it's like no matter what my problems are, you know,
somewhere out there is a bird...
[CROWD LAUGHS]
It's very comforting to me, you know?
But they do get, kind of, stressful sometimes. They try and stress you out.
You know, like, the guy will come on and be like,
"This baby elephant...
has to walk 5,000 miles to get a drink of water.
- If he doesn't drink soon, he will die." - [CROWD LAUGHS]
I'm like, "What the fuck? Are you about to show me a dead baby elephant right now?
Are you fucking kidding me, Discovery? Are you serious? I do not want to see that!"
You know? And then, like, of course it gets to the lake or whatever.
And it takes a sip and everything's great. And then the guy's like,
"And now, it starts its 5,000-mile walk back...
past through the Rabid Hyena Alley,
through Poacher Junction and onto its precarious cliff."
I'm like, "No! Just stay there!
Stay by the water, you dumb fucking baby elephant! You need that to live!
Why did you leave?"
The birds are flying back.
"No! Stay in the tree!"
God! Pisses me off every time.
[CROWD LAUGHS]
It's so predictable. I'm like, "You do this every year!"
And then, every nature documentary ends the same way.
It's so depressing.
They're like, you know,
"We've ruined their habitat and they're all about to die."
And I'm like, "All right, all right. I'm up. I'm up." You know?
I don't know if you guys saw, Obama has a nature doc out.
Have you guys seen that one?
No? You guys should really check it out. It's gorgeous.
You just know he would nail a drone shot.
[CROWD EXCLAIMS AND LAUGHS]
He had the nerve to end his the same way all the other ones do.
You know, with this, like, warning.
He, like, gets on there and he's like,
[MIMICKING OBAMA] "Well, and these animals..."
I don't know why I'm trying to do an Obama, I've never done that in my life.
We're gonna commit. He's like,
[MIMICKING OBAMA] "Well, uh, these baby animals are,
you know, gonna lose their habitat unless we do something,
you know, to fix this."
[CROWD LAUGHS]
And I'm like...
Yeah, "We?"
I was like, "Wasn't one of us president of the United States?
Wasn't one of us, the most powerful man on the planet?
And you want the both of us to figure out what to do?"
Fucking bullshit! That is, like, such a man.
[CROWD LAUGHS]
But I mean, it does make sense.
Like, of course, like, Obama couldn't have been, like,
written some bill to save the African elephants and lions and tigers,
'cause all the Republicans would have been, like, "I knew he was from Kenya!"
[CROWD LAUGHS]
I was...
I was raised by my dad, not my mom.
Anybody else have a story they never tell anybody?
[CROWD LAUGHS]
No? If anyone ever tells you they were raised by their dad and not their mom,
just be like, "Oh, that's cool," and keep it walking.
It is not cool. Is anyone here best friends with their mom?
- [CLAPPING] - You are? Fucking weirdo!
That's so weird. Fucking best friends with my mom.
I don't know. I just feel like, after you've spent a year sucking someone's tits,
you can't walk that back.
[CROWD LAUGHS]
I think it's weird.
My dad did an okay job. He was... He did an all right job, you know?
I remember once, I was in high school,
and I was out late partying with my musical theater friends.
And I come in. I'm, like, sneaking in
at, like, 3:00 in the morning, real quiet, you know?
Like all, like, just, like, in the front door just, like, clickety-clack.
Trying to close it. And right as I'm closing the front door,
I hear the back door close.
And my dad and I lock eyes from across the house.
And he's like, "Did you just get in?"
And I was like, "Yeah. Did you?"
And he was like, "Good night." I was like, "Yes!"
[CROWD LAUGHS]
Raised by Dad for the win!
[CROWD LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS]
I, um... [LAUGHS]
I remember one time, I was in high school,
and I was working on a paper for English class that was an argument paper.
That's where you pick a controversial subject and you argue one side of it.
I picked the topic of fertility drugs. I was anti-fertility drugs.
You know, I was... In high school, I was all angsty.
I was like, "If you can't procreate naturally,
then nobody needs you or your science fiction baby!"
You know?
"Just flush your genes down the toilet, you loser!"
And so, I'm going to town on this paper.
My dad starts reading over my shoulder and he starts laughing.
And I'm like, "What's your problem?" He's like,
"Oh, my God, you don't know."
He's like, "You're a fertility baby."
[CROWD EXCLAIMS AND LAUGHS]
And I'm like, "Excuse me. What?
Like you and Mom took fertility drugs, and that's why I'm alive?"
And he's like, "Yeah."
I'm like, "Shit.
You just gave me my closing argument!"
[CROWD LAUGHS]
If it weren't for fertility drugs, I wouldn't be stuck on this miserable planet
where I don't know the circumstances surrounding my existence
until I'm already writing an argument paper against it.
Print!
I don't know. I, uh... I'm still against fertility drugs.
I'm against anything that makes babies.
I don't need 'em.
I had someone ask me recently, they were like,
"If you became pregnant and you found out your baby was gonna be handicapped,
would you get an abortion?"
And I was like, "Cool first date."
- Um... - [CROWD LAUGHS]
Cool. But, you know, I was like, "I don't know, I...
I guess I'd get an abortion either way.
You know? Like, a baby doesn't need to be handicapped for me to not want it, right?
Where are my chicken fingers?"
[CROWD LAUGHS]
If you guys are clamming up now, you are not gonna like the next five minutes.
So buckle up!
Buckle up. I, uh... I do...
I am worried about abortion rights.
Sorry! Woman time on the show.
- [SCATTERED APPLAUSE] - Um... [LAUGHS] Yeah.
It is scary. It's getting so bad.
It's been bad in Texas. Fuck. Texas.
Texas has had a law on the books for a long time now,
where you can't get an abortion there.
The doctor is legally required to show you a sonogram of the baby
before you get an abortion.
Which is just truly so gross.
Like, how is that supposed to go down, right?
Like some girl's in the office, just like...
"Yeah, I guess that does look like my rapist.
[CROWD EXCLAIMS AND LAUGHS]
It has his sneer and everything.
Look at him hiding behind the shadows, just like him."
[CROWD LAUGHS]
It's fun.
I, um... I once did a show,
an out of town gig, and I was like racing to it.
And, you know, I'm, like, getting on stage.
And, like, right before I get on stage,
the booker pulls me aside and he's like,
"Oh, I forgot to tell you, no sex jokes. No sex jokes on the show."
And I was like, "Oh, no! That's all I've got." You know?
Uh, so I was like, "Oh, no." And then I...
So I get on stage, and I just told 20 minutes of rape jokes.
Just rape, rape, rape, rape, rape, rape.
And I get off stage. Booker, not happy.
Pulls me aside, he's like, "What the hell was that?"
And I'm like, "Well, those are rape jokes.
You know, that's... that's not about sex. That's about power."
[CROWD LAUGHS]
It's a pro-victim joke. These are all pro-victim rape jokes.
Let's... Let's just be clear about that.
Let's not pull this out of context.
I am pro-victim. And pro for the victim, not pro "They're being victims."
[CROWD LAUGHS]
Just before we get confused.
You guys like choking?
[CROWD LAUGHS]
- You guys getting choked? Who's getting choked? - [WHOOPING]
Yeah? Fuck, yeah!
It's so crazy how... It's like a fad.
There's, like, a choking fad now. Like, it never used to happen.
And then, like, all of a sudden, everyone came in, like, that's their move.
"I'm the choking guy now." It's the weirdest thing.
Like, if we break down my entire sexual experience into the span of a year...
Let's do this Carl Sagan style.
If we broke it down into a year, then the first 11 months and 39...
29 days and five minutes is no choking.
And then, the last five minutes, just choking, choking, choking.
And I don't even know how it happened, you know?
Like, most of the guys I have sex with don't even take their shirt off.
[CROWD LAUGHS]
"You're pretty self-conscious about your weight for a sex-addicted misogynist."
[CROWD LAUGHS]
You guys ever look at a child just to figure out what a pedophile sees in them?
[CROWD EXCLAIMS]
No, 'cause you're not... No, 'cause you're not one.
'Cause you're not one!
You know, 'cause you're not one? No, because... All right, go with me here for a second.
Like, 'cause, you know... Because it's like,
what is so sexy about these kids
that is worth ruining their lives over, you know?
Pedophiles don't wanna be pedophiles.
So, just to see... just to see what's so enticing to them.
All right, go with me for a second. All right. Okay, like...
Every straight person in here has, at some point,
looked at someone of the same sex just to see if they were gay.
[CROWD LAUGHS]
So maybe you've gotta do that with kids, you know?
Just to see, just to make sure you're not.
Just to make sure you're not, you know?
Because it's better to know. It's better to know.
You can't just have it creep up on you,
and all of a sudden, you're trying to fuck a kid.
You know? You should know that ahead of time. It's less dangerous.
I don't know what you're gonna do about it.
I don't know, maybe take a naked picture of yourself when you're a kid,
look at it later.
I don't know. I'm not solving all the problems. You know?
And you can't just look at one.
[CROWD EXCLAIMS AND LAUGHS]
You look at one, you don't wanna fuck it,
you know, you're like, "Oh, thank God."
But what if that one wasn't your type?
You know, you gotta look at a few, you know?
Short ones, fat ones, kids who climb on rocks.
[CROWD LAUGHS]
I feel like you guys are getting very uncomfortable right now.
And that is your fault. That is on you. That is not my problem.
All right? Those of us who can intellectually think about this
and hear the word pedophile over and over
know it's not going to make us pedophiles just because we heard the word, you know?
Like, I know I'm not a pedophile because I've looked at a lot of children.
[SCATTERED LAUGHTER]
That went like I thought it would.
And that is fine.
I'm from Arizona.
So I've done cocaine with my dad.
[CROWD LAUGHS]
You guys like cocaine?
- [MAN WHOOPING] - I don't really get cocaine's popularity.
I haven't had fun the last 30 or 40 times I've done it.
[CROWD LAUGHS]
I physically can't say no to coke.
You could offer it to me on a spinning bike tire,
I'd be like, "I got it.
That's gonna come back around."
I didn't mean to do coke with my dad.
That was kind of a Thanksgiving miracle.
I, um...
I was home for the holidays, and I was snooping through my mom's old closet.
You know, they're divorced, you know, like all of yours.
And she left a lot of really cool stuff behind. She was out in a real rush.
So I'm looking around and I find this coke mirror that hadn't been there before.
And I know it was a coke mirror because it was huge, and it was covered in coke.
[CROWD LAUGHS]
But I make sure, you know? I'm not just gonna walk away.
I gotta make sure my dad's getting the good stuff.
So I start doing gummers off of it. Like it's my last day in Los Angeles, you know?
Just like... [MIMICS TEETH SQUEAKING]
You know, like, "I hope this writers' strike ends." You know?
And I'm going to town on this mirror.
My dad catches me. He shows up in the closet doorway.
And I'm like, "Oh, shit. I'm busted!" Right?
And then I'm like, "Wait, no. You're busted.
You're the one who raised a daughter who's licking a cocaine mirror."
Like, 'Et tu, Daddy?'" You know?
And he's all disappointed, obviously.
He's like, "Oh, fuck, Myka. You like cocaine?" And I had to be like,
"Yeah, everybody does."
And then he surprises me. He's like, "Well, do you want to do some?"
And I'm like, "Mmm, no. Just give me some."
Like, I'm not gonna do coke with Daddy.
That's gross, you know?
'Cause you know when you're doing coke regular style,
not with your dad...
[CROWD LAUGHS]
You're at a bar and you're all yakked out and you start saying crazy shit
you would never say if you were sober.
You know, going up to strangers, being like,
"You know, I was a virgin when I graduated high school.
And now I only fuck professional hockey players."
Or, like, whatever is your truth.
[CROWD LAUGHS]
So I was like, I can't be on coke around my dad.
That conversation could get super weird.
You know, but he was, like, really insistent.
He's like, "The first round's free."
I'm like, "Fine."
So, next thing you know, he and I are raking lines on the poker table
that counts as a dinner table when you're a divorced dad.
And, sure enough, we start having that cokey conversation.
It was so awkward. Just line after line. Just like...
[MIMICS SNORTING]
[GRUNTS]
"Remember, Mom?"
[CROWD LAUGHS]
"The fuck was that about?"
Um, cool. So, I agreed to do this special five days ago,
which is kind of insane.
But that's, like, the type of thing that happens in show business.
It's just, like, so hard to get ahead.
And that's exactly the reason why there's footage of me saying the N-word.
Don't leave!
I was auditioning for a sketch comedy show
where that word was required in the script.
The show was written by a Black person and for Black people.
Um, I legally can't say which show it is.
- It was Michael Che's sketch show. - [CROWD LAUGHS]
The audition was to play a Karen, too.
And it was like... I was like, "All right, fuck you."
I thought I was a little hipper than that, but whatever.
And it said in the script that you had to say this.
At first, it said in the breakdown...
That's like, where it tells you what to do, for showbiz people.
It says... It says, "You must be comfortable being racist."
And I was like, "Yes. Great. Totally." You know? Like...
I'm like, "Listen..." Like, I was like, "I'm Jewish."
If they had said, "You have to say the Holocaust never happened,"
I'd be like, "Where do I sign for the check?"
Uh, so I was like, "Okay, great."
And... And then they were like, "You know, you have to... you have to say it,
the full word, in the audition just to make sure."
And I'm like, "Wait, make sure of what?" You know?
Like, that... Like, when I get on set, I'm not going to be like,
"Get out of here, you... nincompoop!"
You know? Like, just freak out. So...
And this was happening during COVID,
and where we had to do... You couldn't go in to the audition anymore.
You had to do what's called a self-tape.
And so that means I had to set a camera up in my home
and say my lines into the camera, right?
So I... That meant I was at home saying the N-word over and over again
until it sounded... good?
I don't know. And meanwhile, like, I'm in...
I'm in Brooklyn. I'm in a shitty apartment.
The walls are thin. I just know my neighbors are walking around,
like, hearing this, just being like, "I knew she was a Karen!"
- You know? - [CROWD LAUGHS]
And then, you do the recording and then you send it in to the lady.
And I shouldn't have sent it in, you know?
I could have just, like, left that footage with me, but I didn't.
So I sent it in. And, meanwhile, I'm like,
"I wonder if they just took every white comedian lady saying the N-word,
and they just, like, released it all at once as, like, blackmail?"
Like, what if they were gonna do that?
It's like the Fappenning, but for racists.
And the worst part about it is, I didn't even get the part.
[CROWD LAUGHS]
So now I'm sitting there like, "Who said it better than me?"
[CROWD LAUGHS]
Okay, you guys, thank you so much!
I'm Myka Fox.
- [CROWD CHEERING AND APPLAUDING] - [MUSIC PLAYING]