Come on, gotta hustle. We got seven minutes till boarding.
Okay, honey. Slow down. Hey, hey, hi.
-Okay. -Let's take a breath.
Okay.
-I'm sorry. I'm just… -Yeah.
I'm really excited about this trip. I mean, we've never been to Barbados.
I know, but we can calm down, okay?
-Okay. -There's like nobody here.
I think we're gonna be fine.
Yeah, you're right. Sorry.
We'll be all right.
Attention, passengers…
-Next. -Hi.
Hello. ID, please.
-Thank you. Have a safe trip. -Thank you.
Hi, there.
One second, sir.
-Sorry. -Hey, Patricia!
What's up, twin? You ready to switch?
Yes, ma'am.
All right.
-Get your white ass over here. -I'm coming. Damn.
-Hey, boo. -You are glowing!
-I'll tell you why when I come back. -Oh shit.
Kev gave you a workout, huh?
A workout!
-Ooh! Shit. -Here you go.
Sir, I still got 30 more seconds of break.
Excuse me, ma'am, it's just I'm running a little late,
and I've got to get to my gate. Pardon me.
You're acting like I’m the one that set your alarm. I didn't do that shit.
Gosh, I wish you had been there to help wake me up this morning.
Ugh.
No, thank you. Wake you up?
-Tickle your nuts? I don't think so. -Oh, no, I-I didn't mean it like that.
Okay, next.
Uh, excuse me. Do you hand things to your lady like that?
Hand that shit to me softer.
Softer?
Yeah, softer.
Thank you.
Look in the camera.
Can you take your goofy-ass hat off, please?
Sure. Sorry.
Dang, you got a big-ass head.
Yeah, you know, they-- they say that's actually a sign of intelligence.
They say that Einstein had a big ol' melon.
Ooh, that's the dude with the freaky-ass island, huh?
No, you're thinking of Jeffrey Epstein.
Shit.
Hey, big-head Epstein coming through!
-Thank you. -Next.
A reminder, shoes stay on.
Belts come off.
Large electronics into a separate bin.
Why are your shoes on?
I thought the guy just said that you don't have to take your shoes off.
-What guy? -I think it was this gentleman right here.
I thought that's what he said.
Did you just call me a nigga?
No, I just… I just thought that you'd said--
-I ain't say nothing. -So, excuse me, shoes off?
-No, excuse you. -Listen up! Shoes off!
-Shoes on. -Belts on.
-Belts off. Jackets on. -Okay, I apologize.
-Get my shoes off. -Think he OBJ.
Step in.
Hands over your head.
Hold them there.
Step out.
It's telling me I'm gonna have to do a secondary screening.
Do we have your consent for a secondary screening?
Okay, just-- just go ahead. I'll meet you at the gate.
Okay.
This will just take a couple minutes, sir.
-Oh, you bringing someone home with that. -You know that's right.
Patricia for a secondary screening.
Copy. I gotta go.
Bye, bitch.
Did you say Patricia?
Tracy!
-What's up, girl? -I drank your Pepsi Max.
-That's all right. -Oh shit.
-You still here? -How you doing?
-That's wild as hell. -I know, yeah.
Okay, spread 'em.
Okay.
What is this shit?
Ooh! Your gooch thick.
That could be a problem. You need to see the dick and balls doctor.
Prostate guy, yeah. Thank you.
What you got in here?
Ma'am, how much longer do you think this is gonna take?
I've really got to make this flight.
You think you could not grow when my hands are here?
I don't think I'm growing.
I saw your lady earlier.
I don't think she would like to know the way you lookin' at another woman.
-How am I looking at you? -Like that.
Like you're trying to get with me.
You know, people say I look like Rihanna.
Yeah, yeah.
She's a beauty.
-Fuck! -What?
Shit.
Your dumb-ass leg broke my nail.
Yeah.
May I get going now?
Yeah, get your ass out of here.
-Good to see you. -Take your ass this way.
-Go get your motherfucking bag. -Fuck.
Come on, come on.
Oh shit!
Teddy, look at this shit.
Look at this man get clipped by a whole-ass semi truck.
Come on.
Patricia, that ain't real. That's AI.
How you know?
Well, the driver of the truck is, uh, Peter Griffin.
He's normally like a cartoon character.
That's a real man. What the hell is AI?
Oh shit.
Patricia, your crazy ass made me miss a bag.
I gotta put that one back through.
That's my bad. I'll take care of it. Don't worry.
Whose raggedy-ass bag is this?
Ugh. This bag stank.
-Just have at it. -All right.
Let's do this.
Let's see what nasty shit you got in here.
Ooh.
This camera got lithium batteries?
You know what? Just keep the camera.
Okay. Teddy!
-You be taking pictures, right? -Sure do.
I know you do, with your freak ass. Here.
Christmas came early, motherfucker.
You know I take care of mine.
-Thank you. -All right, take some of me.
I repeat, this is the final boarding call…
Let me turn around for you a second.
I'm trying to look like Solange.
-You do. You're beautiful. -Thank you.
-You look good. -I know what you like, Teddy.
Will you cut the shit?
Excuse you?
What is your problem with me, lady?
You have singled me out
and made this a beyond hellish experience.
And you're making me feel…
I feel like I'm gonna explode.
He got a bomb!
A terrorist attack has been averted at the Atlanta airport.
The suspect, Mark Wicker,
was stopped by TSA agents and found to be carrying
multiple explosive devices in his carry-on and rectum.
He may have succeeded had it not been for veteran TSA agent Patricia Finch,
who is being recognized for her valor and bravery.
First of all, I just wanna give a shout-out to Jesus.
I do everything for Jesus.
I don't mess with saints
and none of that bull****.
Growing up as a little white girl in Atlanta,
I was always good at knowing,
like, who is kind of a piece of ****.
If your eyebrows is too thick, gone.
If your eyes ain't open, see you later.
If you smell funky,
get your *** to the Greyhound bus station.
You ain't meant for the airport, mother******.
Take my picture, y'all.
Hey.
Over your shoulder!
-Am I getting any money for this? -No.
All right, I'm done with this ****.
All right. Bye, y'all.
-Hey. -Hey.
That's my guy.
I'm not late, am I?
Not at all.
Let me get a look at you. Oh yeah. You look great, man.
Your body's so fit right now.
Loving this jacket.
You look slim, confident, ready for action.
-Thanks, man. -Yeah.
So this is really happening, huh?
Oh yeah.
Good, good. 'Cause I gotta tell you,
I'm over Bad Thoughts.
Mm.
I appreciate the opportunity. You know that.
I'm just done with this wacky prosthetic wig stuff.
Ugh, yeah.
I-- I want people to know I take acting seriously, you know?
I want to do, like…
Trucks.
-What? -Big ones.
Eighteen-wheelers.
Why are you always talking about trucks?
Oh, I don't know why I said that. Keep going.
Okay. I want to make feature films, is my point.
Right… well, that's why we're here, buddy.
You are about to get a major offer from the guy that they call
the Asian Chris Nolan.
Which means this thing is going to be extremely heady and thought-provoking.
You should be jizzing in your drawers right now.
I want to see you blow your load.
Okay.
I want you walking in there with a wet front,
stinking to high heaven like some 13-year-old freak.
Tom?
They're ready.
Mm.
That's smartwater.
These guys know what they're doing.
Hey.
You look really cool.
Thanks, man.
Tom fucking Segura!
Oh my God! Lookin' slim, my guy.
I would fuck you right here if I wasn't a lesbian.
Don't let the nails fool you. I'm a lesbian.
Nice. I love lesbians.
I watch a lot of lesbian stuff.
Uh, Tom, I want you to meet someone
who is very special to us here at Chikara Kikku.
This is Mr. Yoshi Mashimoto,
one of the few geniuses left in the world.
I'm sure you're familiar with his work.
Uh…
Mr. Mashimoto is the author
of the highest-selling graphic novel of all time.
-Amazing. -Yeah.
Hello.
Mr. Mashimoto is honored that you are here.
Thank you.
He also says that you are very funny and bald.
-Yes. -And he loves your blue eyes.
I've always said that they pop on camera.
Thank you. That's very nice.
Great.
All right. Let's take a seat.
Okay.
So, Tom, I bet you're wondering why the hell you're here.
Yeah. We were just saying this is all very under wraps.
Under wraps and exciting as fuck.
Okay, well, we feel exactly the same way.
So, Mr. Mashimoto's masterpiece
is entitled Konyo Yaro.
-Konyo Yaro. -That's right. Konyo Yaro.
Rolls right off the tongue.
And we are now finally, after many years,
going to turn his brilliant graphic novel
into a high-budget, live-action feature film.
That's awesome. I love feature films.
I can vouch for that. Tom does indeed love feature films.
Okay. Relax.
So, Tom, the reason why you're here
is that Mr. Mashimoto has requested
you play the main character.
-Really? -I know. Our reaction here was the same.
Like, there are so many other people who could do it
who are movie stars, you know?
But no, he made it very clear
he only wants you.
I think I'm gonna come.
This is your guy. Where do we sign?
I mean, uh, we are very open to this.
Yes, um, it's very flattering. Thank you for that.
Um, and it sounds great, but can I get a little bit more detail about it?
Of course. Yeah, of course.
Let's go through the whole thing. Okay.
Behold.
New Tokyoville.
Humanity's last safe zone in a post-chemical wasteland.
Yet danger coils around every border
as rogue cyborgs are closing in on every side.
But from the shadows emerges…
Bushido!
Yes, a rogue warrior forged in exile
and driven by fate,
destined to rid the world of evil
and deliver humanity from the edge of oblivion.
That's you.
Huh.
Wow.
Squirt. I just came.
I warned you guys.
So he's just a total badass?
Not sure this is even gonna require much acting.
Hey, hey. Jesus. You gotta tone it down a notch.
Well, actually, I mean, the character is a bit of a recluse.
Yes, he lives in the sewer system.
In the sewer system?
Yes. He gets his power from the waste of the city,
but then channels it for good.
-Yeah. -I told you. Heady stuff.
Interesting. And what is the name of the movie again?
-Konyo… -Konyo Yaro.
Konyo Yaro.
Yes, but of course, we will use the English translation.
Right.
Hogtit Shitbeast.
Wow. Powerful.
Hogtit Shitbeast?
Yeah, well, because he's got the hog tits,
but also he is a shit beast,
so it's a little bit of a play on words there.
-Hm. -Badass. I get it.
It's foreign. It's edgy.
I'm, like, super into this.
This?
So actually he is gonna need you to pack on about 150--
I mean, at this point, over 200 pounds.
You must become fatter.
It has to be real. No computers.
You see, you first caught Mr. Mashimoto's attention
with your 2014 ha-ha comedy show, Completely Normal.
Ha-ha comedy show.
Very funny.
Thank you for watching that.
He took one look at your face and said, "That is my Hogtit Shitbeast."
It's as if you jumped right out of his mind.
In fact, he's been heartbroken about your recent weight loss.
The same way he felt when fat Adele got skinny.
Yeah, uh, it's hard to keep it off, but…
You've done it before.
Just stuff your fat face, you little piggy.
His words, not mine.
And what's coming out of his breasts?
Those are teats. And it's blood.
He replenishes what he loses by killing,
which is why he lives underneath the abortion clinic.
He eats the fetuses one at a time, yeah,
and when he runs out, that's when fecal matter sprays out.
Of his tits.
-Teats. -Right.
His teats, correct.
Of course. Makes complete sense.
I've got the contract ready for you right here.
All the details are outlined.
Um, this is just…
I don't know. I don't really feel like I'm getting it, you know?
Well, maybe this will help.
-Is that a… -Yeah, it's a lunch box.
Now, this is just a prototype,
but imagine milk coming out of one of them,
fruit punch out of another.
Oat milk, if your kid's lactose intolerant.
I'm a bit of a tits guy. Can I squeeze them?
Honey, go for it.
Wow. These feel like real tits.
-Teats. -Teats.
The hair is a nice touch.
Yeah, I guess I'm struggling with it.
Um, it's a lot of new information. You think you could give us a second to…
Okay, you just take one quick second.
Okay.
What the fuck, man?
This is all part of the game.
Look, I know how hard you work to keep off all that weight,
and it's super impressive, but like it or not,
your brand is being a disgusting slob.
That's how people see you.
This project is your Black Panther.
Fat Panther.
Guys, um,
as much as I appreciate
most of what you said,
I just can't see myself playing this part.
And I really hope you can find somebody that suits what you need, sir,
but it's not gonna be me.
No?
Because I can think of about 800,000 reasons
why you should.
Well, it's not about the money for me.
Unfortunately, this doesn't align with who I am,
and I'm gonna have to respectfully say thank you, but I can't do this.
Fourteen million.
We had a little bit of wiggle room.
Holy shit.
Fuck.
Come on! More!
Just make sound! Oink, oink!
You're my comedy pig!
Comedy pig!
Fuck.