1 00:00:06,132 --> 00:00:09,093 (muffled crowd cheering) 2 00:00:09,093 --> 00:00:12,388 (echoing footsteps) 3 00:00:15,349 --> 00:00:18,853 - (full volume cheering) - Hello! 4 00:00:18,853 --> 00:00:22,523 (applause) 5 00:00:22,899 --> 00:00:25,276 What am I? Taylor Swift? 6 00:00:26,652 --> 00:00:28,154 (cheering dies down) 7 00:00:28,154 --> 00:00:31,199 You make a girl feel good. Thank you so much. I really... 8 00:00:31,199 --> 00:00:32,867 I feel great tonight. I gotta tell you, 9 00:00:32,867 --> 00:00:34,285 it feels good to feel great 10 00:00:34,285 --> 00:00:36,746 because I've been feeling pretty bad recently. 11 00:00:36,746 --> 00:00:39,540 I've been battling a depressive episode, but I'm out of it. 12 00:00:39,540 --> 00:00:42,210 It was-- It was bad. It was a postpartum thing. 13 00:00:42,210 --> 00:00:43,878 My friend just had a baby, 14 00:00:43,878 --> 00:00:46,839 and so I've just been mourning the loss 15 00:00:46,839 --> 00:00:50,385 of that friendship. (sighs) She gone. 16 00:00:50,385 --> 00:00:51,886 (laughter) 17 00:00:51,886 --> 00:00:54,097 Anyone else losing friends to babies? 18 00:00:54,097 --> 00:00:58,059 - (cheering, applause) - Yeah? Yeah. It sucks. 19 00:00:58,059 --> 00:01:01,020 Is anyone else secretly hoping those friends 20 00:01:01,020 --> 00:01:03,189 lose their babies? Because that's where I'm at. 21 00:01:03,189 --> 00:01:05,900 - (laughter) - That's where I'm at! 22 00:01:06,734 --> 00:01:08,319 I feel bad about it. I don't say this to them. 23 00:01:08,319 --> 00:01:11,280 I just think it as I blow out my birthday candles, 24 00:01:11,280 --> 00:01:14,075 but you can't help what you wish. 25 00:01:14,075 --> 00:01:15,451 (laughter) 26 00:01:15,451 --> 00:01:17,078 It's not funny. 27 00:01:17,495 --> 00:01:19,580 My friend just got pregnant from in vitro. 28 00:01:19,580 --> 00:01:21,958 She was telling me about it. She was like, 29 00:01:21,958 --> 00:01:25,336 "I spent $30,000 doing in vitro." 30 00:01:25,336 --> 00:01:27,505 I was like, "I'll pay you 40 to get an aborsho. 31 00:01:27,505 --> 00:01:30,091 "Like, if you wanna make money on this deal, 32 00:01:30,091 --> 00:01:32,176 "I'll Venmo you right now. 33 00:01:32,760 --> 00:01:36,013 "I got money because I don't got kids, so... 34 00:01:36,013 --> 00:01:37,348 "I don't know what I'll write in the memo. 35 00:01:37,348 --> 00:01:39,016 "Just like a vacuum emoji. 36 00:01:39,016 --> 00:01:40,852 "I feel like it'll be... People won't know. 37 00:01:40,852 --> 00:01:43,563 They'll think I like bought a vintage Hoover from you." 38 00:01:43,563 --> 00:01:45,106 (laughter) 39 00:01:45,106 --> 00:01:48,443 No, I'm thrilled for my friend. I really am. 40 00:01:48,443 --> 00:01:50,945 She has me in charge of the baby shower, which is gonna be fun. 41 00:01:50,945 --> 00:01:52,363 I don't know what we're gonna do yet. 42 00:01:52,363 --> 00:01:55,908 I think maybe bull riding? I don't know. Like, I'm just... 43 00:01:55,908 --> 00:01:58,327 A trampoline park? 44 00:01:58,327 --> 00:01:59,746 Like, what activities should we do? 45 00:01:59,746 --> 00:02:02,832 I was thinking maybe like a stomach-punching contest 46 00:02:02,832 --> 00:02:04,333 at a staircase museum. 47 00:02:04,333 --> 00:02:05,960 - I don't know. - (laughter) 48 00:02:05,960 --> 00:02:07,837 Just spitballing. 49 00:02:07,837 --> 00:02:09,964 Fun. It'd be fun. 50 00:02:12,467 --> 00:02:14,510 It's crazy when your friends start trying to get pregnant 51 00:02:14,510 --> 00:02:16,137 because then you realize how hard it is 52 00:02:16,137 --> 00:02:18,431 to get pregnant at your age. I had no idea. 53 00:02:18,431 --> 00:02:20,558 Because I don't want kids. I've been using birth control, 54 00:02:20,558 --> 00:02:22,185 like an idiot. 55 00:02:22,185 --> 00:02:24,645 The best, most effective birth control, turns out, 56 00:02:24,645 --> 00:02:26,898 it's being 39 and getting cummed in 57 00:02:26,898 --> 00:02:29,525 - because... - (cheering) 58 00:02:29,525 --> 00:02:31,736 these girls can't get pregnant! 59 00:02:31,736 --> 00:02:33,488 (laughter) 60 00:02:33,488 --> 00:02:35,615 It's almost like the more you want a child, 61 00:02:35,615 --> 00:02:38,326 the more God's just like, "No, I don't think so. 62 00:02:38,326 --> 00:02:40,203 "That's, like, really desperate and sad. 63 00:02:40,203 --> 00:02:42,330 "You're like... 64 00:02:42,330 --> 00:02:45,833 like a pick-me mom. Like, you're trying too hard." 65 00:02:45,833 --> 00:02:47,502 (laughter) 66 00:02:47,502 --> 00:02:50,671 He's, like, negging them. It's so rude. 67 00:02:50,671 --> 00:02:53,216 He's like, "You waited till you were 37? Really? 68 00:02:53,216 --> 00:02:57,345 "Why do you think I gave you your period when you were 14? I mean, what...? 69 00:02:57,345 --> 00:02:59,180 "That wasn't so you'd be embarrassed in gym class. 70 00:02:59,180 --> 00:03:02,934 That was so you wouldn't graduate high school." You know, like... 71 00:03:02,934 --> 00:03:04,852 (laughter) 72 00:03:04,852 --> 00:03:06,229 It's crazy! 73 00:03:06,229 --> 00:03:08,398 It's changed my whole birth control method, really. 74 00:03:08,398 --> 00:03:10,358 Now, because I don't want kids, 75 00:03:10,358 --> 00:03:12,360 my boyfriend cums in me, and then we pray together 76 00:03:12,360 --> 00:03:13,694 for a child afterwards. 77 00:03:13,694 --> 00:03:15,696 We hold hands, and we say, "Please, God. 78 00:03:15,696 --> 00:03:20,535 - We're ready. We really want one." - (whooping) 79 00:03:20,535 --> 00:03:22,912 We try not to laugh when we say it. 80 00:03:23,830 --> 00:03:26,707 We're building a nursery, just trying to throw God off, 81 00:03:26,707 --> 00:03:30,378 because... he's an asshole. You know? 82 00:03:30,378 --> 00:03:33,506 We name each of his loads. It's fun. 83 00:03:34,173 --> 00:03:36,342 We're running out of... We get lazy sometimes. 84 00:03:36,342 --> 00:03:38,219 There's a lot of Randys, but... 85 00:03:38,219 --> 00:03:40,888 (laughter) 86 00:03:40,888 --> 00:03:43,808 My heart goes out to you if you have fertility issues, truly, 87 00:03:43,808 --> 00:03:46,394 because it must be so frustrating to know 88 00:03:46,394 --> 00:03:47,562 you'd be so good at something, 89 00:03:47,562 --> 00:03:49,397 yet God will not give you a baby. 90 00:03:49,397 --> 00:03:51,399 You've waited long enough to be good at it. 91 00:03:51,399 --> 00:03:53,067 God's like, "No, sorry." 92 00:03:53,067 --> 00:03:55,570 And then you hear about a teen who gets raped by her uncle, 93 00:03:55,570 --> 00:03:57,238 and God's like, "Here's twins," and you're like, 94 00:03:57,238 --> 00:03:58,865 "What the fuck? Are you serious? 95 00:03:58,865 --> 00:04:02,869 I'm over here trying." 96 00:04:02,869 --> 00:04:04,954 (cheering and applause) 97 00:04:06,539 --> 00:04:08,583 So, my boyfriend and I have stopped doing that role-play 98 00:04:08,583 --> 00:04:11,544 because that was risky. We were playing with fire! 99 00:04:11,544 --> 00:04:14,130 - I had no idea! - (applause) 100 00:04:14,130 --> 00:04:15,423 (laughs) 101 00:04:16,883 --> 00:04:18,968 I miss that one. That was a fun role-play. I was good at it. 102 00:04:18,968 --> 00:04:22,138 I'm a very convincing naughty niece. I would just... 103 00:04:22,138 --> 00:04:25,683 - (laughter) - It was, it was good. 104 00:04:25,683 --> 00:04:27,435 I would just be like, "Uncle David, 105 00:04:27,435 --> 00:04:30,772 "what are you doing here? This is an all-girls sleepover. 106 00:04:30,772 --> 00:04:33,441 (laughter) 107 00:04:33,441 --> 00:04:36,402 "What do you mean you lost something in the dryer? 108 00:04:36,402 --> 00:04:38,988 "And you want me to crawl in and get it out? 109 00:04:38,988 --> 00:04:40,782 (laughter) 110 00:04:40,782 --> 00:04:42,784 Are you sure this is how you get to Narnia?" 111 00:04:42,784 --> 00:04:45,745 Just stuff like that. I watch too much porn, whatever. 112 00:04:45,745 --> 00:04:48,998 (laughter) 113 00:04:49,957 --> 00:04:50,875 But everyone's telling me, 114 00:04:50,875 --> 00:04:52,627 "Nikki, at your age, just freeze your eggs. 115 00:04:52,627 --> 00:04:54,629 Just freeze 'em. Freeze your eggs." 116 00:04:54,629 --> 00:04:56,547 I'm like, "Can I burn them? Is that an option? 117 00:04:56,547 --> 00:04:59,842 - Because I hate this conversation." - (cheering) 118 00:04:59,842 --> 00:05:02,220 "Just do it." I know if I don't do it now, 119 00:05:02,220 --> 00:05:04,972 it'll be too late, but I could always go the adoption route 120 00:05:04,972 --> 00:05:07,350 and give 'em up for adoption, you know, like that. 121 00:05:08,601 --> 00:05:10,561 I've never wanted kids. 122 00:05:10,561 --> 00:05:12,980 I don't think it's gonna happen in like the last month 123 00:05:12,980 --> 00:05:14,232 of my fertility. 124 00:05:14,232 --> 00:05:15,691 I just don't want 'em. 125 00:05:15,691 --> 00:05:17,944 Even when I was a kid, I would get baby dolls for Christmas 126 00:05:17,944 --> 00:05:20,530 and just be like, "Oh, God, this is gonna be a lot of work. 127 00:05:20,530 --> 00:05:24,158 This is just-- This is gonna cut into nap time." 128 00:05:24,158 --> 00:05:25,660 (laughter) 129 00:05:25,660 --> 00:05:29,205 I tried to abandon it in front of my brother's toy firehouse. 130 00:05:29,205 --> 00:05:31,749 Just anything. "Get this away from me." 131 00:05:31,749 --> 00:05:33,584 (laughter) 132 00:05:33,584 --> 00:05:36,295 And I don't like how adults talk to you when you have baby dolls. 133 00:05:36,295 --> 00:05:37,505 They're like, "Is that your baby? 134 00:05:37,505 --> 00:05:39,674 Are you its mommy? Is that your baby?" 135 00:05:39,674 --> 00:05:42,510 I'm like, "No, a man didn't fuck me, Aunt Gail. 136 00:05:42,510 --> 00:05:45,430 -"This is... - (laughter) 137 00:05:46,222 --> 00:05:49,434 I don't like your tone." 138 00:05:49,434 --> 00:05:51,018 No wonder women rush to have kids. 139 00:05:51,018 --> 00:05:53,521 We're being trained for it since we were kids. 140 00:05:53,521 --> 00:05:55,273 They're like, "Here's a baby doll. 141 00:05:55,273 --> 00:05:56,649 Here's an Easy-Bake Oven." 142 00:05:56,649 --> 00:05:58,276 I got one of those. I stuck my head in it. 143 00:05:58,276 --> 00:06:01,863 I was like, "I want out of this narrative. 144 00:06:01,863 --> 00:06:03,990 This is my life?" 145 00:06:05,324 --> 00:06:07,702 I just don't get wanting kids. 146 00:06:07,702 --> 00:06:09,912 I don't get it. And I think I'm right 147 00:06:09,912 --> 00:06:13,249 because I think biology had to trick us into having kids. 148 00:06:13,249 --> 00:06:14,917 That's why sex feels good. 149 00:06:14,917 --> 00:06:17,045 (laughter) 150 00:06:17,045 --> 00:06:19,088 Orgasms feel as good 151 00:06:19,088 --> 00:06:20,631 as kids are shitty. 152 00:06:20,631 --> 00:06:22,216 That is-- They're directly correlated. 153 00:06:22,216 --> 00:06:25,136 (laughter, cheering) 154 00:06:25,136 --> 00:06:28,014 (applause) 155 00:06:28,014 --> 00:06:31,059 We are the only animal species who actively want kids, 156 00:06:31,059 --> 00:06:33,603 if you think about it. You've never seen two dogs like, 157 00:06:33,603 --> 00:06:36,230 -"We're trying. - (laughter) 158 00:06:36,230 --> 00:06:38,399 "It's been really hard. 159 00:06:38,399 --> 00:06:39,734 She's 12, so you know." 160 00:06:39,734 --> 00:06:42,403 And you're like, "What? Oh, dog years. 161 00:06:42,403 --> 00:06:45,323 "Okay. I guess that's acceptable. 162 00:06:45,323 --> 00:06:47,658 I thought you were a puppofile, but..." 163 00:06:49,035 --> 00:06:51,329 Kids slow you down in the animal kingdom. 164 00:06:51,329 --> 00:06:53,122 They make you more susceptible to prey. 165 00:06:53,122 --> 00:06:54,373 They deplete your resources. 166 00:06:54,373 --> 00:06:56,501 God, if animals could jerk off, 167 00:06:56,501 --> 00:07:00,421 - there'd be no animals. Like... - (laughter) 168 00:07:00,421 --> 00:07:02,090 It's the only reason they happen. 169 00:07:02,090 --> 00:07:03,883 They don't connect it. You ever seen an animal 170 00:07:03,883 --> 00:07:06,010 give birth on like a nature documentary show? 171 00:07:06,010 --> 00:07:09,055 There's a giraffe giving birth. It's in active labor. 172 00:07:09,055 --> 00:07:12,600 It doesn't even know. It's just like, kind of like, "(shuddering) Oh, God." 173 00:07:12,600 --> 00:07:15,561 Shaking, just like, "What's happening?" 174 00:07:15,561 --> 00:07:19,982 There's no like doula hyena next to it, like, "Breathe!" - (laughter) 175 00:07:20,274 --> 00:07:21,776 (laughs) Well, maybe there's a hyena, 176 00:07:21,776 --> 00:07:23,319 but it's waiting for its lunch to drop. 177 00:07:23,319 --> 00:07:26,322 - Like it knows more than the giraffe knows. - (laughter) 178 00:07:26,322 --> 00:07:28,032 The giraffe is like, "What's happening?" 179 00:07:28,032 --> 00:07:30,701 It just thinks it's constipated. Then it looks down. It's like, 180 00:07:30,701 --> 00:07:33,037 "Why am I shitting legs? What is happening?" 181 00:07:33,037 --> 00:07:34,831 It's just like, aaah! 182 00:07:34,831 --> 00:07:38,751 And then a giraffe falls out of it, and it goes, "Whoa!" 183 00:07:38,751 --> 00:07:40,461 - And then it like runs from it. - (laughter) 184 00:07:40,461 --> 00:07:43,798 Its first instinct is to split 185 00:07:44,757 --> 00:07:46,968 like a teen mom in a Del Taco bathroom. 186 00:07:46,968 --> 00:07:50,138 Just like, "I can get outta here. No one will know. 187 00:07:50,138 --> 00:07:52,390 (applause) 188 00:07:52,390 --> 00:07:53,766 "If it doesn't flush, I'll just say 189 00:07:53,766 --> 00:07:56,978 it was the Epic Loaded Burrito. It looks the same." 190 00:07:56,978 --> 00:08:00,940 - (laughter) - But... 191 00:08:02,608 --> 00:08:03,985 The giraffe wants to leave. 192 00:08:03,985 --> 00:08:05,820 It knows what a burden this thing is gonna be, 193 00:08:05,820 --> 00:08:07,613 but it stays because it catches a whiff of it, 194 00:08:07,613 --> 00:08:11,617 and it goes like (sniffing), and it kinda smells it and goes, 195 00:08:11,617 --> 00:08:14,287 "Oh, fuck, I think I love it! Fuck! 196 00:08:14,287 --> 00:08:16,497 - (laughter) -"Oh no! 197 00:08:16,497 --> 00:08:19,292 This is gonna get me murdered by a lion. Fuck." 198 00:08:19,292 --> 00:08:22,462 It doesn't even know. It's like, "How did this happen?" 199 00:08:22,462 --> 00:08:25,715 It's kinda going back, like, "When did this..." And then it goes, 200 00:08:25,715 --> 00:08:28,009 "Oh yeah, I got raped that one time 15 months ago 201 00:08:28,009 --> 00:08:31,179 by the other giraffe," because all animal sex is rape. 202 00:08:31,179 --> 00:08:34,015 Sorry to tell you this way, but it's true. 203 00:08:34,015 --> 00:08:35,183 (giggles) 204 00:08:35,850 --> 00:08:38,019 The giraffe's just like, "Oh, I guess it's probably my fault. 205 00:08:38,019 --> 00:08:39,479 "I shouldn't have been wearing animal print. 206 00:08:39,479 --> 00:08:43,566 - No, that was on me. That's on me." - (laughter, cheering) 207 00:08:45,443 --> 00:08:47,278 But I, I... 208 00:08:47,278 --> 00:08:49,989 I get why you have kids. I... 209 00:08:49,989 --> 00:08:52,450 I don't get it. I was trying to be nice. 210 00:08:52,450 --> 00:08:54,035 - (laughter) - I really don't get it. 211 00:08:54,035 --> 00:08:55,369 I don't get it. 212 00:08:55,369 --> 00:08:59,123 I mean, I do think there is something different than me 213 00:08:59,123 --> 00:09:01,542 and people who want kids. I think, um, 214 00:09:01,542 --> 00:09:03,878 I think I'm different than people who want kids 215 00:09:03,878 --> 00:09:07,382 - because I'm... smart. I think that that's mainly it. - (laughter) 216 00:09:07,382 --> 00:09:10,802 I'm a more intelligent person, and I think things through. 217 00:09:10,802 --> 00:09:13,763 No, (laughs) I don't think that. 218 00:09:13,763 --> 00:09:16,808 No, I actually think that people that want kids are stupid. 219 00:09:16,808 --> 00:09:18,643 - (cheering) - Like I think they're dumb, 220 00:09:18,643 --> 00:09:20,311 and they just kind of go with whatever. 221 00:09:20,311 --> 00:09:22,563 No, I don't think that at all either. I really don't. 222 00:09:22,563 --> 00:09:24,732 Listen, I get why you have kids. 223 00:09:24,732 --> 00:09:26,692 - I'm not so naïve. - (laughter) 224 00:09:26,692 --> 00:09:28,653 Like it's because you love them. 225 00:09:28,653 --> 00:09:30,571 That's a great feeling to feel the love 226 00:09:30,571 --> 00:09:32,156 that you have for your child. 227 00:09:32,156 --> 00:09:35,618 It's a feeling I've heard of, and it sounds so good, 228 00:09:35,618 --> 00:09:37,495 and I might not get to feel it, 229 00:09:37,495 --> 00:09:38,746 and sometimes I get bummed out by that. 230 00:09:38,746 --> 00:09:40,415 I'm like, "Is this a human life worth living 231 00:09:40,415 --> 00:09:42,875 to not feel that great love?" 232 00:09:42,875 --> 00:09:45,086 And then, I think about, you know, you don't get to feel 233 00:09:45,086 --> 00:09:48,506 - every feeling in life that's good, you know? - (laughter) 234 00:09:48,506 --> 00:09:51,801 Like, I also have no plans on doing heroin. 235 00:09:51,801 --> 00:09:54,595 Like I hear that feeling's pretty great. 236 00:09:54,595 --> 00:09:57,932 I hear it might be better than the kid feeling, 237 00:09:57,932 --> 00:10:00,059 - to be honest with you. - (laughter) 238 00:10:00,059 --> 00:10:02,437 Because I know people who have kids who do heroin, 239 00:10:02,437 --> 00:10:04,939 and they're like, "Kids-shmids. Leave 'em in the car. 240 00:10:04,939 --> 00:10:07,608 "Let's go get more heroin. Crack a window. 241 00:10:07,608 --> 00:10:09,902 (laughter) 242 00:10:09,902 --> 00:10:12,739 "Actually, bring the kid. Let's sell it for heroin. 243 00:10:12,739 --> 00:10:16,242 "I don't care about this kid because I love heroin. 244 00:10:18,161 --> 00:10:21,330 "Yes, I'd die for my kids, but I will die of heroin. 245 00:10:21,330 --> 00:10:23,291 - That is certain." - (laughter) 246 00:10:23,291 --> 00:10:25,626 So, I don't know. 247 00:10:25,626 --> 00:10:28,171 Who am I to say what's gonna happen with me? 248 00:10:28,171 --> 00:10:29,255 I could change my mind. 249 00:10:29,255 --> 00:10:30,965 Maybe I just haven't met the right person yet 250 00:10:30,965 --> 00:10:34,302 - to do heroin with, but I just... - (laughter) 251 00:10:35,970 --> 00:10:39,307 Someday, I'll just tie the knot, and it'll be right here. 252 00:10:39,307 --> 00:10:41,809 (laughter, applause) 253 00:10:41,809 --> 00:10:44,687 I think this is the arm with the good vein. I don't know. 254 00:10:46,230 --> 00:10:47,774 (giggles) 255 00:10:49,692 --> 00:10:53,196 I do get-- that love that you feel, holy shit. 256 00:10:53,196 --> 00:10:54,655 I think that's why I don't want kids 257 00:10:54,655 --> 00:10:57,033 is because I'm actually scared of that love. 258 00:10:57,033 --> 00:10:59,577 Loving something that much terrifies me. 259 00:10:59,577 --> 00:11:01,204 That's so brave that you took that on. 260 00:11:01,204 --> 00:11:03,831 If you're a parent, you put your entire life 261 00:11:03,831 --> 00:11:05,458 into the hands of a toddler who's like, 262 00:11:05,458 --> 00:11:08,961 -"Traffic!" Just like, what the fuck? Like... - (laughter) 263 00:11:10,546 --> 00:11:12,590 Do you also free solo climb? 264 00:11:12,590 --> 00:11:15,676 Like, that's crazy that you did that. 265 00:11:15,676 --> 00:11:17,678 That's so risky because I, I mean, 266 00:11:17,678 --> 00:11:19,722 I'm almost mad at my sister for having kids 267 00:11:19,722 --> 00:11:21,766 because the way I feel about my niece and nephew, 268 00:11:21,766 --> 00:11:25,061 if anything ever happened to them, like, I would... 269 00:11:25,061 --> 00:11:28,022 - I'd be okay. I'd be okay eventually. - (laughter) 270 00:11:28,022 --> 00:11:30,483 At first, it would be the worst! 271 00:11:31,442 --> 00:11:33,361 Oh, it'd be awful, but then, like, a Taylor Swift album 272 00:11:33,361 --> 00:11:35,571 would come out. Like, I would kind of like rebound. 273 00:11:35,571 --> 00:11:38,574 I would have moments of like, 274 00:11:38,574 --> 00:11:40,076 "I'm back to my old self." But, my sister, 275 00:11:40,076 --> 00:11:42,912 no Taylor Swift will get her out of that, you know? 276 00:11:42,912 --> 00:11:44,789 It's over for her if something happens. 277 00:11:44,789 --> 00:11:46,207 That's extremely risky. 278 00:11:46,207 --> 00:11:49,001 That's really impressive to me to take on that. 279 00:11:49,001 --> 00:11:52,046 I think it's just I look at being a mom, 280 00:11:52,046 --> 00:11:55,717 and I think it's too hard to be a mom for me. I just... 281 00:11:55,717 --> 00:11:57,510 Actually, no. It's not hard to be a mom. 282 00:11:57,510 --> 00:11:59,929 It's hard to be a good mom. That's... 283 00:11:59,929 --> 00:12:01,931 It's easy to be a bad mom. 284 00:12:01,931 --> 00:12:05,268 - That's so easy, but to be a good mom is hard. - (cheering) 285 00:12:05,268 --> 00:12:08,146 To be a bad mom, that's as easy as being a great dad. 286 00:12:08,146 --> 00:12:11,482 - That's what that is. - (laughter) 287 00:12:11,482 --> 00:12:13,276 (cheering) 288 00:12:13,276 --> 00:12:15,737 - Yeah. - (applause) 289 00:12:15,737 --> 00:12:18,156 It's a cakewalk, you know it. 290 00:12:18,156 --> 00:12:20,241 It's not your fault. It's just the way it is. 291 00:12:20,241 --> 00:12:23,119 And I know there are some dads that do just as much as moms, 292 00:12:23,119 --> 00:12:24,871 and it's because your wife is dead. 293 00:12:24,871 --> 00:12:27,081 - (laughter) - That's probably why. 294 00:12:27,081 --> 00:12:29,542 Otherwise, it doesn't happen. 295 00:12:31,919 --> 00:12:34,380 But some people just know, man. Some moms just know. 296 00:12:34,380 --> 00:12:36,758 "I always knew I would be a mom," that's what they say. 297 00:12:36,758 --> 00:12:39,427 (breathy) "I always knew I would be a mom." 298 00:12:39,427 --> 00:12:42,805 (normal) They have to say it with that ethereal, breathy, 299 00:12:42,805 --> 00:12:45,600 - condescending tone. - (laughter) 300 00:12:45,600 --> 00:12:46,976 (breathy) "You struggle with the decision? 301 00:12:46,976 --> 00:12:48,770 I always knew I'd be a mom." 302 00:12:48,770 --> 00:12:50,021 (laughter) 303 00:12:50,021 --> 00:12:53,066 Oh, wow. I always knew I'd mute you on Instagram. 304 00:12:53,066 --> 00:12:54,233 (cheering) 305 00:12:54,233 --> 00:12:57,487 They're like, "I'm a mom. I'm a mom. 306 00:12:57,487 --> 00:13:00,573 I'm a mama bear. I'm a mom-om-om." 307 00:13:01,532 --> 00:13:03,451 (normal) Why do you have to say it like that? Just say, 308 00:13:03,451 --> 00:13:06,704 "I'm a-- I'm a mom." Like you don't have to go, 309 00:13:06,704 --> 00:13:10,124 -"Mom... mm... (smacking) - (laughter) 310 00:13:10,124 --> 00:13:12,585 I wish you could taste how good it feels to be a mom." 311 00:13:12,585 --> 00:13:14,837 (moaning, smacking) 312 00:13:14,837 --> 00:13:17,382 They swallow the "mama." Mm... 313 00:13:17,382 --> 00:13:19,467 Like, I wish you would've swallowed your husband's load 314 00:13:19,467 --> 00:13:22,678 - because this persona that you've adopted? - (laughter) 315 00:13:22,678 --> 00:13:23,846 It's insufferable. 316 00:13:23,846 --> 00:13:26,307 (cheering) 317 00:13:26,307 --> 00:13:28,810 I think some moms think that if you don't have kids, 318 00:13:28,810 --> 00:13:31,104 you're a selfish person, and I get that. 319 00:13:31,104 --> 00:13:34,399 I think it's a little selfish of me to not want kids, 320 00:13:34,399 --> 00:13:35,483 but I'll admit it. Yeah. 321 00:13:35,483 --> 00:13:37,985 I just don't feel like devoting my free time 322 00:13:37,985 --> 00:13:39,779 to something that could marry a DJ. 323 00:13:39,779 --> 00:13:43,241 - I just think that's reckless. - (laughter) 324 00:13:43,241 --> 00:13:45,535 (cheering) 325 00:13:46,994 --> 00:13:48,871 And I know that there are moms that are like, 326 00:13:48,871 --> 00:13:51,040 "I'm just not as self-obsessed anymore. 327 00:13:51,040 --> 00:13:52,708 It's just not about me anymore." And I'm like, 328 00:13:52,708 --> 00:13:54,502 "Yeah, we can tell. 329 00:13:54,502 --> 00:13:57,296 "Your hair looks like you've always rubbed a balloon on it. 330 00:13:57,296 --> 00:13:58,840 (laughter) 331 00:13:58,840 --> 00:14:00,717 "You dress like you work in a toll booth. 332 00:14:00,717 --> 00:14:03,010 "I get it that you don't work on you anymore, 333 00:14:03,010 --> 00:14:06,764 but you focus on your child. That's an extension of you." 334 00:14:06,764 --> 00:14:10,685 Having a kid doesn't make you just a selfless person suddenly. 335 00:14:10,685 --> 00:14:12,311 I don't see women becoming moms and going, 336 00:14:12,311 --> 00:14:14,230 "I'm gonna go volunteer in a soup kitchen. 337 00:14:14,230 --> 00:14:16,190 I'm gonna go build a home in Honduras." 338 00:14:16,190 --> 00:14:18,025 No, you're just feeding Cheerios 339 00:14:18,025 --> 00:14:20,194 to something that looks like you. Like that... 340 00:14:20,194 --> 00:14:22,363 (laughter) 341 00:14:22,905 --> 00:14:25,116 Thank you for doing that. It's a noble job, 342 00:14:25,116 --> 00:14:28,077 but you're treating a problem that you caused. 343 00:14:28,077 --> 00:14:30,872 Like this wouldn't be here if you didn't have it. 344 00:14:30,872 --> 00:14:32,540 (cheering) 345 00:14:32,540 --> 00:14:36,252 It's hard work, but you signed up for it, you know? 346 00:14:36,252 --> 00:14:39,005 You can't be like, "I pick up litter!" And it's like, yeah, 347 00:14:39,005 --> 00:14:40,715 but you threw it there. Like, this isn't... 348 00:14:40,715 --> 00:14:43,718 - (cheering) - (giggles) 349 00:14:45,887 --> 00:14:49,223 I don't think your kids are trash, by the way. That's not what I meant. 350 00:14:49,223 --> 00:14:51,350 I don't. I'm so grateful that you have them 351 00:14:51,350 --> 00:14:53,561 because we need kids. 352 00:14:53,561 --> 00:14:56,147 We need future people to save us 353 00:14:56,147 --> 00:14:58,691 from the state the world is in right now. 354 00:14:58,691 --> 00:15:02,487 I don't know if you've noticed, it's kinda... it's kinda ending. 355 00:15:02,487 --> 00:15:05,990 - (laughter) - Things are coming to a close, and yeah. 356 00:15:05,990 --> 00:15:07,408 Maybe you didn't notice if you had kids 357 00:15:07,408 --> 00:15:09,494 because why would you do that? I mean... 358 00:15:09,494 --> 00:15:11,913 Your kid's gonna graduate high school in a bunker, 359 00:15:11,913 --> 00:15:13,581 - but that's fine. I mean... - (laughter) 360 00:15:13,581 --> 00:15:16,834 I'm sure your kid will be just fine in the water wars, 361 00:15:16,834 --> 00:15:18,753 - I'm sure. Yeah. - (laughter) 362 00:15:18,753 --> 00:15:21,214 Your kid, who won't eat a turkey slice 363 00:15:21,214 --> 00:15:23,841 "Because it touched a pickle!" 364 00:15:23,841 --> 00:15:26,761 (laughter) 365 00:15:26,761 --> 00:15:28,596 He'll be fine eating canned beans 366 00:15:28,596 --> 00:15:31,641 for decades in a hole in the ground. He'll-- 367 00:15:31,641 --> 00:15:36,437 - Finleigh with a "GH" is gonna do just... - (laughter) 368 00:15:36,437 --> 00:15:40,858 just fine scavenging for drinking water 369 00:15:40,858 --> 00:15:44,612 in ammunition craters. Whatever we have to do. 370 00:15:44,612 --> 00:15:46,197 He's gonna be great. 371 00:15:46,197 --> 00:15:48,282 No, if anyone saves us, it's gonna be your kid. 372 00:15:48,282 --> 00:15:50,284 We need someone to save us, 373 00:15:50,284 --> 00:15:52,578 and if someone saves us, it'll be your... 374 00:15:52,578 --> 00:15:55,832 - Well, not your kid, no offense, but... - (laughter) 375 00:15:55,832 --> 00:15:57,291 you paid money to see a comedian 376 00:15:57,291 --> 00:15:58,626 who mostly talks about her pussy, 377 00:15:58,626 --> 00:16:01,254 - so I just don't think that your kid... - (laughter) 378 00:16:01,254 --> 00:16:04,382 Neither would mine. (laughs) And I will talk about my pussy. 379 00:16:04,382 --> 00:16:08,010 - I just wanna let you know. The night is young. - (cheering) 380 00:16:08,010 --> 00:16:10,763 My pussy is old. You'll hear about it. 381 00:16:10,763 --> 00:16:13,558 But, yeah, Greta Thunberg's parents aren't here tonight. 382 00:16:13,558 --> 00:16:15,268 - I'm sorry. - (laughter) 383 00:16:15,268 --> 00:16:17,603 Our kids would not save the world. 384 00:16:17,603 --> 00:16:19,147 You know that. I mean, 385 00:16:19,147 --> 00:16:21,899 they might bully the kid who would save the world. 386 00:16:21,899 --> 00:16:23,276 (laughter) 387 00:16:23,276 --> 00:16:24,819 And then, that kid won't save the world 388 00:16:24,819 --> 00:16:28,531 because our kid called them gay on Facebook, so, I mean... 389 00:16:28,531 --> 00:16:30,324 (laughter) 390 00:16:30,324 --> 00:16:33,828 - It's okay. It's... - (woman whoops) 391 00:16:33,828 --> 00:16:35,496 Having kids is smart, actually. 392 00:16:35,496 --> 00:16:38,374 It actually is the smart thing to do. You're wise to do it 393 00:16:38,374 --> 00:16:40,334 because someday you're gonna get old, 394 00:16:40,334 --> 00:16:43,379 and no one is gonna care about you anymore. 395 00:16:43,379 --> 00:16:45,089 Alright? But, 396 00:16:45,089 --> 00:16:46,674 if you have kids, 397 00:16:46,674 --> 00:16:49,010 - someone might? - (laughter) 398 00:16:49,010 --> 00:16:52,805 They might! You might get lucky. 399 00:16:52,805 --> 00:16:54,223 It's gonna be your kid, right? 400 00:16:54,223 --> 00:16:57,226 Having a son or daughter is just having a future person 401 00:16:57,226 --> 00:16:59,687 who's like, "Yeah, I gotta go see Dad later. 402 00:16:59,687 --> 00:17:01,105 (annoyed sigh) 403 00:17:01,105 --> 00:17:02,565 "Yeah, I need to get some more Vicodin. 404 00:17:02,565 --> 00:17:04,442 "So, yeah. 405 00:17:04,442 --> 00:17:07,403 "Gotta go check in on him at the home. 406 00:17:07,403 --> 00:17:09,739 "Yeah, I hear he's calling the nurses the N-word, 407 00:17:09,739 --> 00:17:12,200 -"so I gotta... - (laughter) 408 00:17:12,200 --> 00:17:14,702 "I gotta go see that... 409 00:17:14,702 --> 00:17:16,829 Because they're white, that's hilarious. So, uh..." 410 00:17:16,829 --> 00:17:18,498 (laughter) 411 00:17:18,498 --> 00:17:20,541 (giggles) It's true. 412 00:17:20,541 --> 00:17:22,877 Your kids will take care of you. That's a good thing to do. 413 00:17:22,877 --> 00:17:24,796 That's insurance. I don't have that. 414 00:17:25,380 --> 00:17:29,175 If I get old, who's gonna care for me? You know? 415 00:17:29,175 --> 00:17:31,886 - speaker: I got you, Nikki! - No, you don't, sir. 416 00:17:31,886 --> 00:17:35,223 (laughter) 417 00:17:35,932 --> 00:17:37,558 I don't think you do. 418 00:17:37,558 --> 00:17:40,144 (cheering) 419 00:17:40,144 --> 00:17:43,231 Famous women do have caretakers when they get older, 420 00:17:43,231 --> 00:17:45,691 but they're gay men, okay? That's our only hope. 421 00:17:45,691 --> 00:17:48,903 - (cheering) - And that didn't sound like one to me. 422 00:17:48,903 --> 00:17:51,656 (applause) 423 00:17:51,656 --> 00:17:53,574 Yeah, I do worry about that. I'm like, 424 00:17:53,574 --> 00:17:57,036 "What if I don't have kids? Who's gonna care for me?" 425 00:17:57,036 --> 00:17:59,914 Not my niece and nephew after that fucking joke I just told, 426 00:17:59,914 --> 00:18:02,542 - so... - (laughter) 427 00:18:02,542 --> 00:18:05,378 I gotta have a plan. And I do have a plan 428 00:18:05,378 --> 00:18:07,422 because I always forget I'm gonna kill myself. 429 00:18:07,422 --> 00:18:11,008 - I always... Duh! - (laughter) 430 00:18:11,008 --> 00:18:14,429 - Yeah. I know, but, like... - (applause) 431 00:18:14,429 --> 00:18:17,265 (breathy) I've, like, always known I was gonna kill myself. 432 00:18:17,265 --> 00:18:21,102 - (laughter) - Like, I've just, like, always known. 433 00:18:21,102 --> 00:18:22,437 Mm... 434 00:18:24,605 --> 00:18:26,232 (normal) No, I'm not gonna do it anytime soon. 435 00:18:26,232 --> 00:18:27,859 Don't worry. I know that's grim. 436 00:18:27,859 --> 00:18:30,236 It'll be so far in the future. 437 00:18:30,236 --> 00:18:32,071 You'll hear about it, I swear to God, and you'll go, 438 00:18:32,071 --> 00:18:34,824 -"Wait, who?" Like... - (laughter) 439 00:18:34,824 --> 00:18:37,285 You'll go, "Oh, wait, yeah. I think we went to go see her, 440 00:18:37,285 --> 00:18:39,454 "like, 40 years ago. 441 00:18:39,454 --> 00:18:41,330 "I think she talked about that! Oh, my God! 442 00:18:41,330 --> 00:18:44,208 -"She did? Good for her. Ah! - (laughter) 443 00:18:44,208 --> 00:18:46,627 "Yeah. I remember that night in Seattle, 444 00:18:46,627 --> 00:18:48,963 when it was still above water. That was fun." 445 00:18:48,963 --> 00:18:51,299 (laughter) 446 00:18:53,593 --> 00:18:56,304 Yeah, the thoughts of death, I don't like to dwell on them 447 00:18:56,304 --> 00:18:59,474 for longer than, like, 10 or 15 hours a day, so... 448 00:18:59,474 --> 00:19:02,393 (laughter) 449 00:19:02,393 --> 00:19:04,145 I hope that when I get to the end of my life, 450 00:19:04,145 --> 00:19:05,646 I'm just like, "Oh, I have to die? 451 00:19:05,646 --> 00:19:08,483 -"Thank God. Jesus Christ. - (laughter) 452 00:19:08,483 --> 00:19:12,195 "This has been so long. I'm just ready for a break, you know? 453 00:19:12,195 --> 00:19:13,988 "I just really wanna unplug... 454 00:19:13,988 --> 00:19:17,992 -"that ventilator. Please. Just let me go. - (laughter) 455 00:19:17,992 --> 00:19:20,161 Anyone? Anyone?" 456 00:19:20,161 --> 00:19:23,289 - I'll be alone. I don't have kids. - (cheering) 457 00:19:23,289 --> 00:19:25,333 But it has to happen! 458 00:19:25,333 --> 00:19:27,960 You have to die at some point, and I don't like that. 459 00:19:28,461 --> 00:19:30,171 But that's the thing about death. It has to happen. 460 00:19:30,171 --> 00:19:32,006 We all know it. And I don't like 461 00:19:32,006 --> 00:19:33,674 that I just have to wait and see, like, 462 00:19:33,674 --> 00:19:35,593 (funny voice) "What's gonna happen? How's it gonna-- 463 00:19:35,593 --> 00:19:37,512 How am I gonna go?" You know? 464 00:19:37,512 --> 00:19:40,264 (normal) I like to choose my own adventure. 465 00:19:40,264 --> 00:19:43,559 I'm a DIY kind of gal, you know? 466 00:19:43,559 --> 00:19:45,978 I wanna get crafty. I wanna go to a Michael's 467 00:19:45,978 --> 00:19:47,605 and pick out some sturdy yarn, 468 00:19:47,605 --> 00:19:51,192 - crochet a noose. I don't know. I'm just... - (laughter) 469 00:19:51,192 --> 00:19:53,653 Think it could be fun. 470 00:19:53,653 --> 00:19:54,779 But it sucks in America. 471 00:19:54,779 --> 00:19:57,407 You just have to die of whatever you get, you know? 472 00:19:57,407 --> 00:19:59,700 Your dog doesn't have to. You can put down your dog 473 00:19:59,700 --> 00:20:02,829 - if its hip kind of hurts. - (laughter) 474 00:20:02,829 --> 00:20:03,996 They're so lucky. 475 00:20:03,996 --> 00:20:06,541 Can you imagine going to your doctor and being like, 476 00:20:06,541 --> 00:20:10,545 "My acid reflux is just flaring up recently, so... 477 00:20:10,545 --> 00:20:13,339 -"can we just end it? Like, can we just... - (laughter) 478 00:20:13,339 --> 00:20:16,467 It's been a good life. It's time." 479 00:20:18,428 --> 00:20:19,887 It's a compassionate thing to do for your dog. 480 00:20:19,887 --> 00:20:21,723 People are like, "We had to put down Stripey 481 00:20:21,723 --> 00:20:25,017 "because she can't walk down the stairs anymore, 482 00:20:25,017 --> 00:20:27,145 and that's not a life worth living." 483 00:20:27,895 --> 00:20:31,315 But Grandma can only communicate with her eyeballs, 484 00:20:31,315 --> 00:20:35,528 yet we just think she's got more life to live. 485 00:20:36,070 --> 00:20:38,906 Let's keep paying $8,000 a month 486 00:20:38,906 --> 00:20:41,743 because there's more chapters to her story! 487 00:20:41,743 --> 00:20:45,496 - (laughter) - There are! I mean, just yesterday, 488 00:20:45,496 --> 00:20:48,207 she bit a nurse, so who's to say? 489 00:20:48,750 --> 00:20:50,918 (giggles) Yeah, I hope to be able to die 490 00:20:50,918 --> 00:20:54,505 with dignity when I want to. Euthanasia, peacefully. 491 00:20:55,214 --> 00:20:56,382 But I don't know, man. 492 00:20:56,382 --> 00:20:58,468 I think I might have to just blow my head off. 493 00:20:58,468 --> 00:21:00,428 I know it's rough, but it's quick, 494 00:21:00,428 --> 00:21:02,722 and guns are easier to get in this country than compassion, 495 00:21:02,722 --> 00:21:05,433 - so what am I supposed to do? - (laughter) 496 00:21:05,433 --> 00:21:09,228 (applause, cheering) 497 00:21:09,228 --> 00:21:11,439 It's not fair. 498 00:21:11,773 --> 00:21:14,275 My mom hates that joke. She goes, "Stop telling people 499 00:21:14,275 --> 00:21:15,777 "you're gonna blow your head off. 500 00:21:15,777 --> 00:21:18,279 "No one wants to hear. That's disgusting. It's disturbing! 501 00:21:18,279 --> 00:21:19,906 I don't wanna think about that!" 502 00:21:19,906 --> 00:21:22,033 And I go, "You know what, Mom? Actually, you're right. 503 00:21:22,033 --> 00:21:23,284 "That is really disturbing. 504 00:21:23,284 --> 00:21:25,536 "For you, I'll die of esophageal cancer. 505 00:21:25,536 --> 00:21:27,538 -"Is that better for you? - (laughter) 506 00:21:27,538 --> 00:21:29,457 "I want you there for it. It'll look something like this. 507 00:21:29,457 --> 00:21:30,750 "I'll be in a wheelchair, just like... 508 00:21:30,750 --> 00:21:34,629 - (gagged yelling) - (laughter) 509 00:21:37,382 --> 00:21:40,301 "For, like, 11 minutes. Is that cool? 510 00:21:40,301 --> 00:21:42,553 "Until I finally choke and drown on my own saliva. 511 00:21:42,553 --> 00:21:44,263 "I'll lock eyes with you the entire time. 512 00:21:44,263 --> 00:21:46,015 -"I think you should be there! - (laughter) 513 00:21:46,015 --> 00:21:48,518 That's better than me blowing my head off, right?" 514 00:21:49,143 --> 00:21:51,562 Neither are ideal, but at least if I blow my head off, 515 00:21:51,562 --> 00:21:53,189 I could stuff my mouth with confetti. 516 00:21:53,189 --> 00:21:56,859 - We'll do a gender reveal. I don't know, let's just... - (laughter) 517 00:21:56,859 --> 00:21:58,986 It could be festive! 518 00:22:00,530 --> 00:22:02,323 We'll usher one life into the world 519 00:22:02,323 --> 00:22:04,992 as we snuff out my own. I think it could be cool. 520 00:22:06,494 --> 00:22:07,954 Listen, I know this is taboo. 521 00:22:07,954 --> 00:22:10,456 I know suicide is a scourge on our nation, 522 00:22:10,456 --> 00:22:13,418 and it's a subject that's a little touchy, 523 00:22:13,418 --> 00:22:16,295 but I actually feel like I have a right to talk about it 524 00:22:16,295 --> 00:22:18,589 because... (sighs) 525 00:22:18,589 --> 00:22:21,718 uh, I'm gonna kill myself someday, so, like, I... 526 00:22:21,718 --> 00:22:23,469 (laughter) 527 00:22:23,469 --> 00:22:27,473 I'm a future victim of it, so I can talk about it. 528 00:22:27,473 --> 00:22:29,058 That's what comedians do a lot of times. 529 00:22:29,058 --> 00:22:31,811 They'll like caveat a joke that they're scared to tell 530 00:22:31,811 --> 00:22:33,813 because they don't wanna get canceled, so they'll be like, 531 00:22:33,813 --> 00:22:37,233 "But I can do this because bah bah bah bah." You know? 532 00:22:37,233 --> 00:22:38,568 Like, if I were to say right now, 533 00:22:38,568 --> 00:22:40,194 "Guys, I'm gonna do some rape jokes," 534 00:22:40,194 --> 00:22:43,698 - you might go, "Go back to the suicide stuff, please." - (laughter) 535 00:22:43,698 --> 00:22:45,408 But if I said, "But I can do these jokes 536 00:22:45,408 --> 00:22:46,701 because I've been raped," 537 00:22:46,701 --> 00:22:49,078 you'd go, "Oh, thank God she was raped. Okay, good. 538 00:22:49,078 --> 00:22:52,498 - (laughter) -"Hoo! I thought she hadn't been raped. 539 00:22:52,498 --> 00:22:54,917 "Thank God she was brutally raped. 540 00:22:54,917 --> 00:22:56,711 Now, I can relax. 541 00:22:56,711 --> 00:22:59,881 - I was nervous before." - (laughter) 542 00:22:59,881 --> 00:23:01,549 That seems weird. 543 00:23:01,549 --> 00:23:03,384 But comedians are scared of getting canceled, 544 00:23:03,384 --> 00:23:05,219 so they have to do these caveats. 545 00:23:05,219 --> 00:23:06,721 They either say, "It happened to me," 546 00:23:06,721 --> 00:23:09,098 or they'll say, "My family has this," 547 00:23:09,098 --> 00:23:11,726 and then they throw their relative under the bus 548 00:23:11,726 --> 00:23:14,145 just to make their joke. You've seen this before. 549 00:23:14,145 --> 00:23:16,856 There'll be a comedian that has a really bad take 550 00:23:16,856 --> 00:23:18,983 on trans people, and they'll do all these jokes, 551 00:23:18,983 --> 00:23:20,777 and then they go, "I can do these jokes, actually, 552 00:23:20,777 --> 00:23:22,612 "because I have a trans sister... radio, 553 00:23:22,612 --> 00:23:24,655 -"and I listen to Fox News on it. - (laughter) 554 00:23:24,655 --> 00:23:28,034 "So I'm misinformed and I'm an asshole, 555 00:23:28,034 --> 00:23:31,746 and I think it's weird. I think they're weird." 556 00:23:31,746 --> 00:23:34,332 I'm like, "Can you transition into less of a cunt? 557 00:23:34,332 --> 00:23:38,211 - Is that possible?" - (cheering) 558 00:23:38,211 --> 00:23:40,671 (applause) 559 00:23:40,671 --> 00:23:43,132 So annoying. It's true. 560 00:23:43,758 --> 00:23:46,427 I have jokes though that I wanna do that I can't 561 00:23:46,427 --> 00:23:49,305 because I don't have any family members with, uh, 562 00:23:49,305 --> 00:23:50,890 autism. That's the jokes I have. 563 00:23:50,890 --> 00:23:54,560 I can't. I have autism jokes because I've dated guys with it, 564 00:23:54,560 --> 00:23:56,771 and they were diagnosed by me and TikTok, 565 00:23:56,771 --> 00:23:58,773 - so I know that they have it. - (laughter) 566 00:23:58,773 --> 00:24:01,567 It's confirmed, but I can't do the jokes 567 00:24:01,567 --> 00:24:04,320 because I don't have any family members with autism. 568 00:24:04,320 --> 00:24:05,822 I will say my nephew is two and a half, 569 00:24:05,822 --> 00:24:08,908 and he isn't talking yet, so fingers crossed, but like... 570 00:24:08,908 --> 00:24:11,619 (laughter) 571 00:24:12,662 --> 00:24:15,915 We didn't get a diagnosis in time for this special, so mm! 572 00:24:15,915 --> 00:24:18,543 (laughs) It's a bummer. 573 00:24:18,543 --> 00:24:20,128 I'll get canceled at some point. 574 00:24:20,128 --> 00:24:24,090 The cancel train is coming for old Glase-talk, for sure. 575 00:24:24,090 --> 00:24:26,551 And my nephew is gonna love that train because... 576 00:24:26,551 --> 00:24:29,137 - But, um... - (laughter) 577 00:24:29,137 --> 00:24:32,765 I got one in. I got one in! 578 00:24:32,765 --> 00:24:33,891 (giggles) 579 00:24:33,891 --> 00:24:36,227 No, but I really do suffer with suicidal thoughts. 580 00:24:36,227 --> 00:24:39,689 I have depression. I get suicidal thoughts quite often, 581 00:24:39,689 --> 00:24:41,649 and it's something I've struggled with a long time, 582 00:24:41,649 --> 00:24:44,360 and I've felt alone a lot of times 583 00:24:44,360 --> 00:24:45,945 with my suicidal thoughts. But then, 584 00:24:45,945 --> 00:24:48,030 I actually talked about it for the first time 585 00:24:48,030 --> 00:24:50,575 on the Joe Rogan podcast, and the response I got, 586 00:24:50,575 --> 00:24:52,243 it was crazy. 587 00:24:52,243 --> 00:24:54,495 I got hundreds of DMs telling me, 588 00:24:54,495 --> 00:24:56,998 "You should kill yourself." And so, I was like, 589 00:24:56,998 --> 00:25:01,085 other people think it, too. I'm not alone, you know? 590 00:25:01,878 --> 00:25:03,671 No, they're very common, and if you get them, 591 00:25:03,671 --> 00:25:05,089 please don't listen to them. 592 00:25:05,089 --> 00:25:07,258 I know that if they ever get too loud for me, 593 00:25:07,258 --> 00:25:09,302 I'm gonna call the number 988. 594 00:25:09,302 --> 00:25:11,846 It's a hotline, 24 hours a day. There's someone there 595 00:25:11,846 --> 00:25:14,682 - who will listen to you... kill yourself. - (cheering) 596 00:25:14,682 --> 00:25:16,476 (laughter, applause) 597 00:25:16,476 --> 00:25:19,729 No. Call 988. You have to call it. 598 00:25:19,729 --> 00:25:21,272 Please, please, please do. 599 00:25:21,272 --> 00:25:23,274 It's just like 911, but it's 988. 600 00:25:23,274 --> 00:25:25,068 Please remember it, 988. 601 00:25:25,068 --> 00:25:26,527 Don't call 911. 602 00:25:26,527 --> 00:25:28,863 For some reason, they had to create a new number. 603 00:25:28,863 --> 00:25:30,740 I guess people were calling 911, like, 604 00:25:30,740 --> 00:25:32,533 "I think I'm gonna kill myself," and they're like, 605 00:25:32,533 --> 00:25:35,244 "Call us when you do," and just hang up. I... 606 00:25:35,244 --> 00:25:38,372 - (laughter) - Okay. 607 00:25:40,500 --> 00:25:42,668 It's really hard to get out of depression. 608 00:25:42,668 --> 00:25:44,003 Sometimes, the best way to do it 609 00:25:44,003 --> 00:25:47,382 is just to get out of your own head and to give back, 610 00:25:47,382 --> 00:25:49,634 and I actually decided tonight to donate the proceeds 611 00:25:49,634 --> 00:25:52,261 from this show directly to this natural disaster 612 00:25:52,261 --> 00:25:56,349 I've been following. There is a landslide currently happening 613 00:25:56,349 --> 00:25:59,060 on my face. It's my skin 614 00:25:59,060 --> 00:26:01,062 slipping off my skull, 615 00:26:01,062 --> 00:26:03,481 like hot cheese off a slice of pizza 616 00:26:03,481 --> 00:26:05,441 that you pulled out too fast. 617 00:26:05,441 --> 00:26:06,859 - It's alarming. - (applause) 618 00:26:07,402 --> 00:26:10,154 - Is anyone else aging? Jesus Christ. - speaker: Yeah! 619 00:26:10,154 --> 00:26:12,073 Yeah. Oh, I can tell. 620 00:26:12,073 --> 00:26:15,410 - (laughter) - It's-- No, I can't see you. 621 00:26:15,410 --> 00:26:18,079 Gravity is such a cunt, dude, I can't... 622 00:26:18,079 --> 00:26:19,163 (laughter) 623 00:26:19,163 --> 00:26:21,707 What I want, I'm gonna use the money from tonight, 624 00:26:21,707 --> 00:26:25,336 I'm gonna get a brow lift. Like, I just want this. 625 00:26:25,336 --> 00:26:27,797 I know I want this because every time I'm stressed out, 626 00:26:27,797 --> 00:26:29,757 and I'm like, "Oh, God! I have so much to do," 627 00:26:29,757 --> 00:26:31,509 I'm like, "Oh, my God, snatch." 628 00:26:31,509 --> 00:26:33,594 - (laughter) - I'll look in the mirror, like, 629 00:26:33,594 --> 00:26:36,013 "Okay! What? 630 00:26:36,013 --> 00:26:38,933 I've never felt worse, but I've never looked better." 631 00:26:38,933 --> 00:26:41,394 - (laughter) - I like love bad news now. 632 00:26:41,394 --> 00:26:44,814 When I hear about a mass shooting, I'm like, "No! Again?" 633 00:26:44,814 --> 00:26:47,275 And then I'm like, "Wait, am I on 'Selling Sunset'? 634 00:26:47,275 --> 00:26:49,944 -"What's happening? Tell me how many casualties. - (laughter) 635 00:26:49,944 --> 00:26:53,072 - 47? Oh, Chrishell!" - (cheering) 636 00:26:53,990 --> 00:26:55,032 (giggles) 637 00:26:55,658 --> 00:26:56,951 (sighs) There's a shooting every day, 638 00:26:56,951 --> 00:27:00,246 so it's been really good for my skin. Um... 639 00:27:00,913 --> 00:27:02,123 People don't want you to get face work. 640 00:27:02,123 --> 00:27:03,458 My boyfriend's like, "Don't do it. 641 00:27:03,458 --> 00:27:05,376 Don't do anything to your perfect face. Do your tits." 642 00:27:05,376 --> 00:27:08,880 - And I go, "What? What did you..." - (laughter) 643 00:27:10,965 --> 00:27:13,259 I'll get to these. I don't need to get to 'em any time soon. 644 00:27:13,259 --> 00:27:15,678 I mean, they're definitely falling, but, like, 645 00:27:15,678 --> 00:27:18,014 this is kinda in right now, you know? 646 00:27:18,014 --> 00:27:20,266 Fashion-wise, under-boob is so in. 647 00:27:20,266 --> 00:27:24,187 Side-boob, so cool, and that is all I have. 648 00:27:24,187 --> 00:27:25,813 (laughter, cheering) 649 00:27:25,813 --> 00:27:27,982 I got so much under-boob, so much side-boob. 650 00:27:27,982 --> 00:27:31,277 - I got no top-boob, none. - (cheering) 651 00:27:31,277 --> 00:27:34,655 I haven't had top-boob since Whitney Houston died. I mean, that was... 652 00:27:34,655 --> 00:27:35,990 (scattered groans) 653 00:27:35,990 --> 00:27:38,868 It was seriously around that time! Now, it's just... 654 00:27:38,868 --> 00:27:40,244 I mean, it's kinda changed my life. 655 00:27:40,244 --> 00:27:42,955 - Titty fucking is better. - (laughter) 656 00:27:42,955 --> 00:27:46,292 My boyfriend just puts his penis next to my rib, 657 00:27:46,292 --> 00:27:50,171 and I flop over my tit like a weighted blanket, 658 00:27:50,171 --> 00:27:52,423 and then I just move from side to side. 659 00:27:52,423 --> 00:27:54,509 - I just go like this. - (cheering) 660 00:27:54,509 --> 00:27:57,845 He stands next to the bed. I kneel, 661 00:27:57,845 --> 00:27:59,847 and I just, I do this. I'm like a cactus. 662 00:27:59,847 --> 00:28:02,141 One of those cactuses with sunglasses that's like, 663 00:28:02,141 --> 00:28:04,352 (humming) It's so easy! 664 00:28:04,352 --> 00:28:06,604 I used to have to smush it and be like, "Wah!" 665 00:28:06,604 --> 00:28:09,524 - But now, it's just (humming). - (laughter) 666 00:28:09,524 --> 00:28:10,942 It's great for older women. 667 00:28:10,942 --> 00:28:12,985 That's definitely what they were doing in the fantasy suite 668 00:28:12,985 --> 00:28:15,696 on "The Golden Bachelor." That is absolutely... 669 00:28:15,696 --> 00:28:18,699 They were just doing the funky cactus all night long. 670 00:28:18,699 --> 00:28:21,035 (laughter) 671 00:28:22,787 --> 00:28:24,747 But yeah, aging blows. 672 00:28:24,747 --> 00:28:28,751 And if you're younger than me, girls in your 20s... 673 00:28:28,751 --> 00:28:31,838 - and 30s... (laughs) Fuck. - (laughter) 674 00:28:31,838 --> 00:28:34,382 I forgot how old I am. I'm in my late 30s, okay? 675 00:28:34,382 --> 00:28:36,551 I'm in my latest 30, and so... 676 00:28:36,551 --> 00:28:37,885 (laughter) 677 00:28:37,885 --> 00:28:39,887 Holdin' on. But yeah. 678 00:28:39,887 --> 00:28:42,390 You will age. Everyone, all girls in your 20s, 679 00:28:42,390 --> 00:28:44,183 you will age. I know you think you won't. 680 00:28:44,767 --> 00:28:47,353 I used to be like you. You'd look at women like me or older, 681 00:28:47,353 --> 00:28:49,147 and you just kind of go like, "That's so sad. 682 00:28:49,147 --> 00:28:53,067 "What's happening to her neck? Like, that's such a bummer. 683 00:28:53,776 --> 00:28:55,695 "That's not gonna happen to me. I don't know. 684 00:28:55,695 --> 00:28:58,239 "I just don't wanna age. I just don't feel like it. 685 00:28:58,239 --> 00:29:00,366 "I know my mom and grandmother did, 686 00:29:00,366 --> 00:29:03,828 but our generation's different. Like I wanna travel. You know?" 687 00:29:03,828 --> 00:29:05,830 - (laughter) - It's like, "What? 688 00:29:05,830 --> 00:29:07,832 No, you're gonna age. You will." 689 00:29:07,832 --> 00:29:10,251 This area, this... (laughs) 690 00:29:10,251 --> 00:29:13,546 - I know you see this, and you go, "Oh, no." - (laughter) 691 00:29:13,546 --> 00:29:15,798 But that's your future, man. Your neck is also gonna look 692 00:29:15,798 --> 00:29:18,051 like an old tarp next to your dad's shed. 693 00:29:18,051 --> 00:29:21,429 - (laughter) - This is all falling down. 694 00:29:21,429 --> 00:29:23,598 It will! Please keep vaping. 695 00:29:23,598 --> 00:29:24,891 (laughter) 696 00:29:24,891 --> 00:29:27,935 Please, please keep vaping. 697 00:29:29,312 --> 00:29:32,440 Everything goes. This buttress falls. 698 00:29:32,440 --> 00:29:35,443 Your eyelids. I actually sent a picture of my eyelids 699 00:29:35,443 --> 00:29:38,988 - for the inspiration for this backdrop. That was... - (laughter) 700 00:29:38,988 --> 00:29:42,241 - That's my upper eyelid. - (applause) 701 00:29:42,241 --> 00:29:44,702 That's my left labia. 702 00:29:44,702 --> 00:29:47,789 (laughter) 703 00:29:47,789 --> 00:29:48,998 I f-- (laughs) 704 00:29:48,998 --> 00:29:52,168 My pussy is falling as well. It's all falling. 705 00:29:52,168 --> 00:29:54,295 You don't even think about it. You don't think about that part. 706 00:29:54,295 --> 00:29:56,631 You're so obsessed with your face because you see it all the time, 707 00:29:56,631 --> 00:29:59,592 but I saw my vagina the other day. 708 00:29:59,592 --> 00:30:01,594 We ran into each other in the bathtub. 709 00:30:01,594 --> 00:30:05,306 - (laughter) - And I try not to see that thing too often. 710 00:30:05,306 --> 00:30:07,225 I don't like seeing it. It bums me out. 711 00:30:07,225 --> 00:30:10,895 It's like reading the news. I'm depressed for a couple days, 712 00:30:10,895 --> 00:30:12,855 can't shake it. 713 00:30:12,855 --> 00:30:14,774 I try to see my pussy as often as, uh, 714 00:30:14,774 --> 00:30:17,652 as my dentist sees it, so that's... 715 00:30:17,652 --> 00:30:19,362 - (laughter) - Yeah. 716 00:30:19,362 --> 00:30:21,531 I'm just so worried it's gonna grow teeth. 717 00:30:21,531 --> 00:30:24,200 It's a weird fear of mine. 718 00:30:24,200 --> 00:30:25,910 He checks, he goes, "There's no teeth." 719 00:30:25,910 --> 00:30:27,870 And I go, "Just wanted you to check." 720 00:30:27,870 --> 00:30:29,330 He's like, "All I see is one big cavity," 721 00:30:29,330 --> 00:30:33,042 - and I go, "Okay. Ha, ha, ha." - (laughter) 722 00:30:33,793 --> 00:30:36,504 He's like, "I can fill it for you," and I go, "Enough!" 723 00:30:36,504 --> 00:30:38,089 (laughter) 724 00:30:38,673 --> 00:30:40,967 I gotta make an effort to see my vagina more often. 725 00:30:40,967 --> 00:30:43,302 I gotta (laughs) put an alarm on my phone. 726 00:30:43,302 --> 00:30:45,430 Because if you wait too long, it changes too much, 727 00:30:45,430 --> 00:30:46,848 and it's jarring. 728 00:30:46,848 --> 00:30:48,975 It's like seeing a nephew you only see, like, 729 00:30:48,975 --> 00:30:50,810 once a year at Christmas. You're like, 730 00:30:50,810 --> 00:30:52,645 "you've grown so much. Oh, my God! 731 00:30:52,645 --> 00:30:56,816 -"Now you have a mustache? What? Oh, what's happening? - (laughter) 732 00:30:56,816 --> 00:30:58,526 Time flies." 733 00:30:58,526 --> 00:31:00,862 Yeah, I saw my vagina just a few weeks ago. 734 00:31:00,862 --> 00:31:03,448 I was on the road. I was in Milwaukee. 735 00:31:03,448 --> 00:31:07,201 I decided to take a bath in this DoubleTree tub. 736 00:31:07,201 --> 00:31:09,912 I had no bubbles, which bubbles, y-- 737 00:31:09,912 --> 00:31:11,372 If you take a bath, bubbles-- 738 00:31:11,372 --> 00:31:14,250 that's why old women use bubbles in bathtubs. 739 00:31:14,250 --> 00:31:16,127 - (laughter) - It hides the truth. 740 00:31:16,127 --> 00:31:18,713 It's just, you don't wanna see that shit. 741 00:31:18,713 --> 00:31:20,006 But I had no bubbles. 742 00:31:20,006 --> 00:31:22,050 It's just this stark DoubleTree bathroom, 743 00:31:22,050 --> 00:31:23,342 autopsy lighting. 744 00:31:23,342 --> 00:31:25,386 I'm in a tub that someone's definitely shit in 745 00:31:25,386 --> 00:31:26,596 in the past two weeks. 746 00:31:26,596 --> 00:31:27,889 (laughter) 747 00:31:27,889 --> 00:31:30,558 I think that's the DoubleTree promise, you know? 748 00:31:31,225 --> 00:31:33,269 You get two warm cookies upon check-in, 749 00:31:33,269 --> 00:31:36,898 and someone's definitely shit in your tub in the past two weeks. 750 00:31:36,898 --> 00:31:39,108 We guarantee it. 751 00:31:39,108 --> 00:31:41,319 But I'm in this tub, and I turn off the water, 752 00:31:41,319 --> 00:31:43,905 and then the water just gets a little too still, 753 00:31:43,905 --> 00:31:45,948 and I just caught its eye. I'm like... 754 00:31:45,948 --> 00:31:47,742 - (laughter) - I just, "Oh, my God." 755 00:31:47,742 --> 00:31:51,287 And then, I'm face-to-face with it, and I'm looking at it, 756 00:31:51,287 --> 00:31:53,081 and that face 757 00:31:53,081 --> 00:31:56,709 is Mitch McConnell's. I mean, it is a dead ringer. 758 00:31:56,709 --> 00:31:58,836 (cheering) 759 00:31:58,836 --> 00:32:00,963 It was befuddled, jowly. 760 00:32:00,963 --> 00:32:04,926 It was like (burbling). 761 00:32:04,926 --> 00:32:06,386 I was like, "Oh, my God, he's drowning!" 762 00:32:06,386 --> 00:32:09,222 I got him out. I dried him off. I go, "What is it, boy?" 763 00:32:09,222 --> 00:32:10,431 (burbling) 764 00:32:10,431 --> 00:32:12,225 I was like, "Take that string out of your mouth." 765 00:32:12,225 --> 00:32:14,477 - So, I pulled it out, and... - (laughter) 766 00:32:14,477 --> 00:32:16,646 I'm like, "Now, you're bleeding!" But, no. 767 00:32:17,814 --> 00:32:18,856 It sucks. 768 00:32:19,732 --> 00:32:23,694 It's what it looks like. It's happening. It's dropping. 769 00:32:23,694 --> 00:32:25,363 My pussy's dropping... 770 00:32:25,863 --> 00:32:27,532 outta high school. It's, uh, 771 00:32:27,532 --> 00:32:30,451 it's hanging with the wrong crowd. My ankles. But... 772 00:32:30,451 --> 00:32:33,121 (laughter) 773 00:32:33,830 --> 00:32:35,164 I just miss my old vagina. 774 00:32:35,164 --> 00:32:37,625 I used to have a wet ass pussy. 775 00:32:37,625 --> 00:32:38,793 (cheering) 776 00:32:38,793 --> 00:32:40,712 I did. Now that song, I hear it, 777 00:32:40,712 --> 00:32:44,298 - I get nostalgic. I get like misty-eyed. - (laughter) 778 00:32:44,298 --> 00:32:46,050 Tear up. It's like (laughs)-- 779 00:32:46,050 --> 00:32:47,885 It's like listening to Cat Stevens. 780 00:32:47,885 --> 00:32:50,430 (laughter) 781 00:32:50,430 --> 00:32:53,057 "I remember." Yeah, I don't have a wet ass-- 782 00:32:53,057 --> 00:32:56,185 I don't have a WAP anymore. I have... 783 00:32:56,185 --> 00:32:58,187 I have a dry, irritable crotch. 784 00:32:58,187 --> 00:32:59,939 - I have a... - (laughter) 785 00:32:59,939 --> 00:33:02,316 I have a dick is what I have. I have a-- 786 00:33:02,316 --> 00:33:04,485 - (cheering) - I have a dick. Any-- 787 00:33:04,485 --> 00:33:06,821 Where are my chicks with dicks at? 788 00:33:06,821 --> 00:33:09,532 - (laughter) - 35-plus. 789 00:33:10,575 --> 00:33:11,701 It's just, it's... 790 00:33:12,160 --> 00:33:14,787 I miss my 20s, man. I was wet all the time. 791 00:33:15,371 --> 00:33:18,124 I just, I didn't know what I had when I had it. 792 00:33:18,541 --> 00:33:21,461 I was like annoyed by it. You're wet your whole 20s. 793 00:33:21,461 --> 00:33:23,796 I mean, I worked at SeaWorld, so that was part of it, 794 00:33:23,796 --> 00:33:26,257 - but God. (giggles) - (cheering) 795 00:33:26,257 --> 00:33:29,635 - Animal cruelty just turns me on so much, but. - (laughter) 796 00:33:30,261 --> 00:33:33,014 No. Your 20s, you're wet all the time. You're annoyed by it. 797 00:33:33,014 --> 00:33:34,474 You're just constantly walking around 798 00:33:34,474 --> 00:33:36,476 with a little dollop of hair gel in your panties. 799 00:33:36,476 --> 00:33:39,604 - So, it's like, "Ugh, that's gross." - (laughter) 800 00:33:39,604 --> 00:33:41,981 You forget about it. You go to the bathroom, 801 00:33:41,981 --> 00:33:44,567 you're just like kinda having a mundane pee. 802 00:33:44,567 --> 00:33:47,153 Then you go to wipe, and you forget how slick you are. 803 00:33:47,153 --> 00:33:49,363 You hit a patch, you hydroplane. You're like, 804 00:33:49,363 --> 00:33:52,658 -"Ah, Jesus Christ! Ow..." - (laughter) 805 00:33:52,658 --> 00:33:55,328 You hit your hand on the stall door. You're like, 806 00:33:55,328 --> 00:33:58,456 "Who did this to me? What the fuck? 807 00:33:59,499 --> 00:34:01,542 "Who do I need to leave my boyfriend for? 808 00:34:01,542 --> 00:34:05,546 - My Jesus Christ. Sloppy, sloppy." - (laughter) 809 00:34:06,798 --> 00:34:10,551 I rarely like get that (blows) like that gush anymore. 810 00:34:10,551 --> 00:34:14,013 Sometimes, it happens. I remember whenever it does 811 00:34:14,013 --> 00:34:15,932 because it's just my last moments 812 00:34:15,932 --> 00:34:17,892 of like (sputtering) try to make a kid, 813 00:34:17,892 --> 00:34:19,394 fertility. 814 00:34:19,394 --> 00:34:22,105 Feels like God's just doing this with a ketchup bottle, 815 00:34:22,105 --> 00:34:24,273 - (blowing) like the last remnants. - (laughter) 816 00:34:24,273 --> 00:34:25,817 "Come on, we got it." 817 00:34:25,817 --> 00:34:28,319 - (applause) - (giggles) 818 00:34:29,737 --> 00:34:32,240 But, girls, just enjoy your fuckability while you have it 819 00:34:32,240 --> 00:34:35,993 because it's gonna go away, and mine is fading. 820 00:34:35,993 --> 00:34:39,288 I know that. I got into an Uber the other day, 821 00:34:39,288 --> 00:34:42,291 and I rolled up with a bunch of suitcases, 822 00:34:42,291 --> 00:34:44,419 and the Uber driver just popped the trunk 823 00:34:44,419 --> 00:34:47,714 - and sat in the front seat. - (laughter) 824 00:34:48,673 --> 00:34:52,009 Great. I was like, is this the first sign of menopause? 825 00:34:52,009 --> 00:34:56,639 What's happening right now? Why isn't this man helping me? 826 00:34:56,639 --> 00:34:58,266 Because it's great when you're fuckable. 827 00:34:58,266 --> 00:34:59,517 Men wanna help you all the time. 828 00:34:59,517 --> 00:35:00,810 They do such nice things for you. 829 00:35:00,810 --> 00:35:03,271 They get their bags for you. They open doors for you. 830 00:35:03,271 --> 00:35:05,606 They pay for your college tuition. Thanks, Dad. 831 00:35:05,606 --> 00:35:09,193 - (laughter) - I don't wanna question why he did it. (giggles) 832 00:35:10,528 --> 00:35:12,029 But I'm a rangy broad, man. 833 00:35:12,029 --> 00:35:13,781 Like, I know what it's like to be fuckable, 834 00:35:13,781 --> 00:35:16,367 and I know what it's like to not be fuckable. 835 00:35:16,367 --> 00:35:18,703 I do. I straddle both worlds. I really do. 836 00:35:18,703 --> 00:35:21,581 With enough hair and makeup and good lighting, 837 00:35:21,581 --> 00:35:24,250 I can resemble Kristen Bell. I really can. 838 00:35:24,250 --> 00:35:26,002 - (laughter) - But I swear-- Don't laugh at that. 839 00:35:26,002 --> 00:35:27,462 Jesus Christ. That wasn't a joke. 840 00:35:27,462 --> 00:35:29,881 - (laughter) - You were supposed to go, "Yeah, I see it. 841 00:35:29,881 --> 00:35:31,132 Yeah, she does." 842 00:35:31,132 --> 00:35:32,675 You're supposed to be dead quiet for that part. 843 00:35:32,675 --> 00:35:36,179 - What the fuck was that? (giggles) - (laughter) 844 00:35:36,179 --> 00:35:37,805 No, I can! If I have enough hair and makeup, 845 00:35:37,805 --> 00:35:39,724 some people have been like, "You look like Kristen Bell." 846 00:35:39,724 --> 00:35:42,393 And I'm like, "Thank you!" But I know that every morning, 847 00:35:42,393 --> 00:35:46,272 - my boyfriend wakes up to Dax Shepard. I mean... - (laughter) 848 00:35:46,272 --> 00:35:48,357 That's my range. 849 00:35:48,357 --> 00:35:50,026 That's what I look like without makeup. 850 00:35:50,026 --> 00:35:51,444 Makeup makes you look like a woman. 851 00:35:51,444 --> 00:35:54,155 Otherwise, you look like a man, you know? 852 00:35:54,155 --> 00:35:55,615 It's true. I'll prove it. 853 00:35:55,615 --> 00:35:57,408 If I asked you to draw a smiley face, 854 00:35:57,408 --> 00:35:59,827 and I was like, "Now, make it a girl." 855 00:35:59,827 --> 00:36:01,162 You wouldn't just, like, 856 00:36:01,162 --> 00:36:02,580 scribble like a pussy underneath. 857 00:36:02,580 --> 00:36:04,999 - Like, who even knows how to draw that? - (laughter) 858 00:36:05,625 --> 00:36:07,668 You wouldn't make it holding less money. 859 00:36:07,668 --> 00:36:10,922 - (laughter) - You would just... draw eyelashes on it. 860 00:36:10,922 --> 00:36:13,049 You'd put makeup on it. 861 00:36:13,049 --> 00:36:15,426 That's what differentiates us. 862 00:36:15,426 --> 00:36:18,346 So, without makeup, I look, I look way different. 863 00:36:18,346 --> 00:36:20,348 I never get recognized ever! 864 00:36:20,348 --> 00:36:21,724 You know, because people see me on TV, 865 00:36:21,724 --> 00:36:23,267 and I don't look the same without makeup. 866 00:36:23,267 --> 00:36:24,560 The other day, I was actually recognized 867 00:36:24,560 --> 00:36:26,938 without makeup, and I got offended. 868 00:36:26,938 --> 00:36:28,773 - (laughter) - I did! 869 00:36:28,773 --> 00:36:31,484 He asked for my autograph. I was like, "Fuck you. 870 00:36:31,484 --> 00:36:33,569 You think Nikki Glaser looks like this?" 871 00:36:33,569 --> 00:36:35,196 - (laughter) - And he was like, "Oh, no. Sorry. 872 00:36:35,196 --> 00:36:36,531 I thought you were Dog the Bounty Hunter." 873 00:36:36,531 --> 00:36:38,116 And I go, "Oh, wait. Well, come back here, son. 874 00:36:38,116 --> 00:36:40,993 (scratchy) I'll sign that hub cap for you. You get on back here." 875 00:36:40,993 --> 00:36:44,956 (normal) I don't wanna disappoint a Dog the Bounty Hunter fan. 876 00:36:44,956 --> 00:36:46,582 (laughter) 877 00:36:46,582 --> 00:36:49,419 Yeah, I'm a rangy broad, man. 878 00:36:49,419 --> 00:36:50,837 But I can look pretty hot. 879 00:36:50,837 --> 00:36:53,047 I was accidentally hot at a Trader Joe's recently. 880 00:36:53,047 --> 00:36:54,132 (laughter) 881 00:36:54,132 --> 00:36:55,425 I didn't mean to be. 882 00:36:55,425 --> 00:36:56,676 I was coming home from a photo shoot, 883 00:36:56,676 --> 00:36:58,052 and I stopped at a grocery store, 884 00:36:58,052 --> 00:36:59,721 and I was lookin' good, 885 00:36:59,721 --> 00:37:01,723 and I was gettin' flirted with by the cashier, 886 00:37:01,723 --> 00:37:05,977 and then he cleared my order and was like, "Get outta here." 887 00:37:05,977 --> 00:37:08,688 I was like, "What?" He was like, "It's on the house." 888 00:37:08,688 --> 00:37:09,939 And I was like... 889 00:37:10,523 --> 00:37:13,109 -"Is your dad Joe? Like is... - (laughter) 890 00:37:13,109 --> 00:37:16,904 - Can you authorize this?" - (applause) 891 00:37:17,447 --> 00:37:19,282 I was like, "Don't you have to ring a bell or some shit? 892 00:37:19,282 --> 00:37:21,033 - What's going on?" - (laughter) 893 00:37:21,033 --> 00:37:22,368 He was like, "Go, get outta here." 894 00:37:22,368 --> 00:37:24,245 I was like, "Thank you!" He was like, "Stay beautiful." 895 00:37:24,245 --> 00:37:25,872 And I was like, "Alright." 896 00:37:25,872 --> 00:37:29,417 - Was that a threat? What the fuck was that? - (laughter) 897 00:37:29,417 --> 00:37:30,960 What happens if I don't? 898 00:37:31,919 --> 00:37:34,213 Because I can't stay beautiful. I have to go back here. 899 00:37:34,213 --> 00:37:35,715 This is my neighborhood Trader Joe's! 900 00:37:35,715 --> 00:37:37,759 I had to go back the next day. I was wearing no makeup. 901 00:37:37,759 --> 00:37:39,886 I was scared to see the guy, but he was there, 902 00:37:39,886 --> 00:37:42,764 and he had me arrested for shoplifting the day before. 903 00:37:42,764 --> 00:37:46,934 - (laughter) - He was like, "I told you to stay beautiful." 904 00:37:46,934 --> 00:37:50,938 It's like, "Go back to ALDI." I was (crying) "Okay." 905 00:37:53,441 --> 00:37:56,152 No. It's so funny to get upset about aging as a woman 906 00:37:56,152 --> 00:38:00,364 because at some point, you do have to age completely, you know? 907 00:38:00,364 --> 00:38:02,325 And you wanna age completely. 908 00:38:02,325 --> 00:38:04,869 Someday, I hope to age to the point of unfuckability. 909 00:38:04,869 --> 00:38:07,205 You know why? Because I don't want anyone 910 00:38:07,205 --> 00:38:09,082 trying to fuck me when I'm 95. 911 00:38:09,082 --> 00:38:11,125 I don't have the bone density 912 00:38:11,125 --> 00:38:13,544 - or the muscle mass to fight you off. - (laughter) 913 00:38:13,544 --> 00:38:17,507 It's a survival tool that I be revolting to you. 914 00:38:17,507 --> 00:38:19,842 There's not-- there shouldn't be hot 95-year-olds. 915 00:38:19,842 --> 00:38:22,804 Hot 95 is a radio station, not a person, okay? 916 00:38:22,804 --> 00:38:26,599 - (laughter) - So, you should be so gross at some point. 917 00:38:26,599 --> 00:38:29,602 That means that someday, I'm gonna be 0% fuckable. 918 00:38:29,602 --> 00:38:32,313 That means I'm a dying battery of hotness, okay? 919 00:38:32,313 --> 00:38:34,524 And I can plug myself into little portable chargers 920 00:38:34,524 --> 00:38:37,110 here and there but eventually, it's gonna go completely, 921 00:38:37,110 --> 00:38:38,986 and what a great day that will be. 922 00:38:38,986 --> 00:38:40,363 But until then, I'm fighting it. 923 00:38:40,363 --> 00:38:42,281 And that's the paradox of being a woman. 924 00:38:42,281 --> 00:38:44,158 You're trying to stay beautiful for so long. 925 00:38:44,158 --> 00:38:45,493 You try to stay fuckable, 926 00:38:45,493 --> 00:38:46,953 but at some point you just have to let go. 927 00:38:46,953 --> 00:38:49,372 And that day is usually the day that you cut your hair 928 00:38:49,372 --> 00:38:51,541 above your ear lobes. I think that's the day you go, 929 00:38:51,541 --> 00:38:53,251 -"Bye-bye, fuckability. - (laughter) 930 00:38:53,251 --> 00:38:56,504 "I don't care anymore if men wanna stick their dick in me. 931 00:38:56,504 --> 00:38:59,090 It's exhausting, and I'm tired." 932 00:39:00,299 --> 00:39:02,176 I love that day. Fuck yeah. 933 00:39:02,176 --> 00:39:04,512 I love older women with funky haircuts. 934 00:39:04,512 --> 00:39:06,514 They commit to getting attention in other ways. 935 00:39:06,514 --> 00:39:08,850 No one wants to fuck them, but they get chunky earrings. 936 00:39:08,850 --> 00:39:10,601 They're like, "This is my personality. 937 00:39:10,601 --> 00:39:12,019 "This one's a bumblebee! 938 00:39:12,019 --> 00:39:13,521 "And this is a watermelon slice, 939 00:39:13,521 --> 00:39:15,982 "and I have fun, crazy glasses! 940 00:39:15,982 --> 00:39:19,235 And here's a big flowery broach on my saggy tit." 941 00:39:19,235 --> 00:39:20,445 And they're like, "Look here! 942 00:39:20,445 --> 00:39:22,321 "And here! There's life! Because down there, 943 00:39:22,321 --> 00:39:24,699 "nothing. So up here... 944 00:39:24,699 --> 00:39:27,201 "I'm not fuckable, but you could pollinate me. 945 00:39:27,201 --> 00:39:30,496 Like let's... let's go." 946 00:39:31,497 --> 00:39:33,291 But I don't think I'll be able to give in 947 00:39:33,291 --> 00:39:35,209 as soon as most people can. 948 00:39:35,209 --> 00:39:36,544 It's gotta be nice to just give up, 949 00:39:36,544 --> 00:39:40,006 but I, I work in Hollywood, so I gotta hold on. 950 00:39:40,006 --> 00:39:43,051 Hollywood's not very kind to older women. 951 00:39:43,051 --> 00:39:44,719 You know, sex sells. 952 00:39:44,719 --> 00:39:47,847 - If you're saggin', they're gaggin'. - (laughter) 953 00:39:47,847 --> 00:39:51,768 That's what my agent texts me every day, and I go, "I know." 954 00:39:51,768 --> 00:39:54,395 I do everything I can to stay young-looking. 955 00:39:54,395 --> 00:39:56,689 I really do. I do Botox. I do filler. 956 00:39:56,689 --> 00:39:58,066 Sometimes, I do too much filler, 957 00:39:58,066 --> 00:39:59,692 and I look like the guy from the "Saw" movies 958 00:39:59,692 --> 00:40:03,446 - who gives the challenges. - (laughter) 959 00:40:03,446 --> 00:40:06,282 I do lasers and micro-needling, 960 00:40:06,282 --> 00:40:08,242 and those things are so harsh on your skin. 961 00:40:08,242 --> 00:40:10,870 I recently got micro-needled, and I couldn't leave the house 962 00:40:10,870 --> 00:40:12,705 for three days because if I did, 963 00:40:12,705 --> 00:40:14,624 it looked like I got mouthy in a car ride with Chris Brown. 964 00:40:14,624 --> 00:40:17,377 - (groaning, laughter) - It looked like I was trying to give him directions 965 00:40:17,377 --> 00:40:19,045 where he knew where he was going. 966 00:40:19,295 --> 00:40:21,547 Are you groaning? (giggles) 967 00:40:21,547 --> 00:40:22,924 I'm sorry. I'm so sorry 968 00:40:22,924 --> 00:40:25,218 to offend any Chris Brown fans. I mean... 969 00:40:25,218 --> 00:40:27,303 (laughter) 970 00:40:27,303 --> 00:40:30,431 I mean, I look like Chris Brown 971 00:40:30,431 --> 00:40:32,266 loves me very, very much 972 00:40:32,266 --> 00:40:35,228 and just wants what's best for me. 973 00:40:35,228 --> 00:40:37,021 (scattered applause) 974 00:40:37,021 --> 00:40:41,025 But yeah, I gotta, I gotta stay hot in Hollywood. 975 00:40:41,275 --> 00:40:43,986 If you're not textbook hot, you gotta work so hard. 976 00:40:43,986 --> 00:40:47,365 You gotta be like the most talented ever, you know? 977 00:40:47,365 --> 00:40:49,409 Remember Susan Boyle? Remember? 978 00:40:49,409 --> 00:40:51,953 Remember that video? You should watch it again. 979 00:40:51,953 --> 00:40:53,579 It didn't age well, much like her. 980 00:40:53,579 --> 00:40:56,541 It didn't, it didn't-- doesn't hold up. 981 00:40:56,541 --> 00:40:59,460 This woman walks out on stage, if you don't remember, 982 00:40:59,460 --> 00:41:01,629 and she has the audacity 983 00:41:01,629 --> 00:41:03,881 to go on a talent competition 984 00:41:03,881 --> 00:41:06,342 - at the age of 47. - (laughter) 985 00:41:06,342 --> 00:41:08,428 She's just an old woman on a talent show, 986 00:41:08,428 --> 00:41:10,847 and the audience can't fucking handle it. 987 00:41:10,847 --> 00:41:12,849 They're freaking out, just like, "What is this?" 988 00:41:12,849 --> 00:41:15,143 They're jeering, they're booing, they're hissing. 989 00:41:15,143 --> 00:41:18,020 They're puking in the aisles, like (gagging). 990 00:41:18,020 --> 00:41:19,397 (laughter) 991 00:41:19,397 --> 00:41:21,524 They're like, "Go back to your shoe!" 992 00:41:21,524 --> 00:41:24,652 - (laughter) - They're just horrified by her. 993 00:41:24,652 --> 00:41:26,487 Like, "What is her talent? Feeding pigeons? 994 00:41:26,487 --> 00:41:30,616 It's disgusting. She can't even talk." 995 00:41:30,616 --> 00:41:33,286 They're so mad. And then, she finally gets to sing, right? 996 00:41:33,286 --> 00:41:36,873 Simon Cowell just crosses his arms over his fucking tits, 997 00:41:36,873 --> 00:41:40,293 - and he's just like, "Alright, what do you got?" - (laughter) 998 00:41:40,293 --> 00:41:41,711 And she of course sings, and it's like... 999 00:41:41,711 --> 00:41:44,464 ♪ I dreamed a dream of time gone by ♪ 1000 00:41:44,464 --> 00:41:46,883 - And it's like... - (cheering) 1001 00:41:46,883 --> 00:41:49,385 "Oh, my God. 1002 00:41:49,385 --> 00:41:53,014 -"She should live. Like, we... - (laughter) 1003 00:41:53,014 --> 00:41:54,891 "should keep her. Let's not stone her to death. 1004 00:41:54,891 --> 00:41:57,810 "That was gonna be fun, doing a public stoning. 1005 00:41:58,644 --> 00:42:00,605 "But she has value now. Before, she didn't. 1006 00:42:00,605 --> 00:42:03,024 "But maybe I can tolerate her disgusting head 1007 00:42:03,024 --> 00:42:06,444 - now that her voice sounds so good." - (laughter) 1008 00:42:06,444 --> 00:42:08,112 What the fuck, you know? 1009 00:42:08,112 --> 00:42:12,325 But it's, it's hard to not be conventionally hot. 1010 00:42:12,325 --> 00:42:13,659 It just is. It's a harder life, 1011 00:42:13,659 --> 00:42:15,620 and that's why it makes sense to try to stay hot. 1012 00:42:15,620 --> 00:42:17,663 It's not a vapid pursuit. 1013 00:42:17,663 --> 00:42:18,956 You know, if you're not conventionally hot, 1014 00:42:18,956 --> 00:42:20,374 you gotta work harder. I mean, look, 1015 00:42:20,374 --> 00:42:23,669 - look at short men, if you can find 'em. - (laughter) 1016 00:42:23,669 --> 00:42:26,381 The closest one may be in front of you. 1017 00:42:27,006 --> 00:42:29,258 I have a short boyfriend, so I know, you know? 1018 00:42:29,258 --> 00:42:32,136 I had to go short because I wanted a hot guy. 1019 00:42:32,136 --> 00:42:33,554 I wanted a good face. 1020 00:42:33,554 --> 00:42:36,224 So if you want a good face, you gotta go, you gotta take some hits. 1021 00:42:36,224 --> 00:42:38,726 - (laughter) - That's my, that's my secret. 1022 00:42:38,726 --> 00:42:41,396 If you want a 10 in the face, you gotta go 5'7" in the height. 1023 00:42:41,396 --> 00:42:43,731 That's just the way it goes. 1024 00:42:43,731 --> 00:42:46,901 I could never get my boyfriend's face on a taller model. 1025 00:42:46,901 --> 00:42:50,238 There's no way. But I got him on discount. 1026 00:42:50,238 --> 00:42:53,157 - He's marked down. You know, he's a defect. - (laughter) 1027 00:42:53,157 --> 00:42:55,034 We met at TJ Maxx. 1028 00:42:55,034 --> 00:42:56,702 (applause) 1029 00:42:56,702 --> 00:42:58,079 He's really good-looking. Sometimes, 1030 00:42:58,079 --> 00:42:59,705 I post a picture of us, and girls are like, 1031 00:42:59,705 --> 00:43:02,417 "Good job, girl. How'd you get that?" I'm like, 1032 00:43:02,417 --> 00:43:04,752 "If you zoomed out, you'd see he's sitting on my lap." 1033 00:43:04,752 --> 00:43:06,921 So, this is a tiny man. 1034 00:43:06,921 --> 00:43:08,840 (laughter) 1035 00:43:08,840 --> 00:43:11,509 I had to go digging in the bargain bin for this one, 1036 00:43:11,509 --> 00:43:13,386 went deep. 1037 00:43:13,386 --> 00:43:15,930 But I love short guys. I like to stand up for you because-- 1038 00:43:15,930 --> 00:43:18,558 I mean, I sit down for you when I'm talking in conversation 1039 00:43:18,558 --> 00:43:20,435 to make you more comfortable, 1040 00:43:20,435 --> 00:43:22,103 but I stand up for you figuratively 1041 00:43:22,103 --> 00:43:26,107 because I don't, um, I like how people are mean to you. 1042 00:43:26,107 --> 00:43:28,901 And you're usually cooler than tall guys 1043 00:43:28,901 --> 00:43:31,404 because you have to be because no one respects you. 1044 00:43:31,404 --> 00:43:33,614 - You know, like-- (laughs) - (laughter) 1045 00:43:33,614 --> 00:43:35,908 I'm sorry. You know this! 1046 00:43:35,908 --> 00:43:38,035 My boyfriend, he's told me about it. 1047 00:43:38,035 --> 00:43:41,581 When he grew up... When he reached adulthood, 1048 00:43:41,581 --> 00:43:44,459 (laughter) 1049 00:43:44,459 --> 00:43:45,793 (giggles) He-- 1050 00:43:45,793 --> 00:43:47,587 He looked around, and he was like, 1051 00:43:47,587 --> 00:43:49,505 "Oh, fuck. No one here respects me. 1052 00:43:49,505 --> 00:43:51,466 "I gotta learn a magic trick or something 1053 00:43:51,466 --> 00:43:52,842 to get people to like me." 1054 00:43:52,842 --> 00:43:54,552 So, he adapted. He's funny. 1055 00:43:54,552 --> 00:43:56,721 He's cool. And short men love magic. 1056 00:43:56,721 --> 00:43:58,097 - I think-- - (laughter) 1057 00:43:58,097 --> 00:44:00,767 They like it because it's showy, and people go, "Oh!" 1058 00:44:00,767 --> 00:44:02,852 They get attention. It's another way to get attention. 1059 00:44:02,852 --> 00:44:06,481 And I also think that they see a man saw a woman in half, 1060 00:44:06,481 --> 00:44:08,775 and they're like, "Oh, that's how I'll be taller than a woman. 1061 00:44:08,775 --> 00:44:11,444 - Okay, that's what I aspire to." - (laughter) 1062 00:44:12,070 --> 00:44:15,573 He's great though. We've been together 10 years off and on. 1063 00:44:15,573 --> 00:44:17,867 And, yeah, but we're actually getting to the point where we're like, 1064 00:44:17,867 --> 00:44:19,243 "We're gonna take it to the next level 1065 00:44:19,243 --> 00:44:21,329 and break up forever because I think it's time." 1066 00:44:21,329 --> 00:44:24,665 - (laughter) - No. He's... 1067 00:44:24,665 --> 00:44:26,918 He's, uh... he's, he's-- 1068 00:44:26,918 --> 00:44:29,003 I know from breaking up with him a lot, 1069 00:44:29,003 --> 00:44:31,422 and we date other people and come back together, 1070 00:44:31,422 --> 00:44:32,799 I look at him and I go, 1071 00:44:32,799 --> 00:44:35,093 "He's the best I can do." 1072 00:44:35,093 --> 00:44:38,429 - You know, like I just know that. - (laughter) 1073 00:44:38,429 --> 00:44:39,847 I'm gonna settle someday. 1074 00:44:39,847 --> 00:44:42,350 - I mean settle down. Did I say settle? - (laughter) 1075 00:44:42,350 --> 00:44:44,811 It is settling, isn't it? When you get married, 1076 00:44:44,811 --> 00:44:47,188 you just go, "Yeah, this is good enough." Like.., 1077 00:44:47,188 --> 00:44:48,856 We all like to convince ourselves, 1078 00:44:48,856 --> 00:44:51,567 "No, this is my soulmate!" (giggles) 1079 00:44:51,567 --> 00:44:53,611 - No, it's not. - (laughter) 1080 00:44:53,611 --> 00:44:55,488 It's not your soulmate, sorry. 1081 00:44:55,488 --> 00:44:58,366 That's just a guy that was on Bumble at the same time as you 1082 00:44:58,366 --> 00:45:02,036 that reminded you of your dad in the perfect little way. 1083 00:45:02,829 --> 00:45:05,540 Everyone likes to go, "He's my soulmate." 1084 00:45:05,540 --> 00:45:06,874 You're not that lucky! 1085 00:45:07,417 --> 00:45:09,711 Out of eight billion people on the planet, he's not your soulmate. 1086 00:45:09,711 --> 00:45:11,838 Your soulmate, statistically, is in China. 1087 00:45:11,838 --> 00:45:16,008 - (laughter) - That's where your soulmate is, and that's where they'll die. 1088 00:45:16,008 --> 00:45:19,470 The closest you'll get is maybe your soulmate touched your phone 1089 00:45:19,470 --> 00:45:21,180 on an assembly line, 1090 00:45:21,180 --> 00:45:24,726 but that's the closest where your stars will ever cross. 1091 00:45:24,726 --> 00:45:27,311 Maybe he stitched your mom's blouse 1092 00:45:27,311 --> 00:45:29,313 - when he was in third grade. - (laughter) 1093 00:45:30,940 --> 00:45:32,817 Do they call it grades if they don't go to school? 1094 00:45:32,817 --> 00:45:35,069 - I don't know. But... - (groaning) 1095 00:45:35,069 --> 00:45:37,905 Child labor is-- (laughs) Sorry, it's not funny. 1096 00:45:37,905 --> 00:45:39,824 I mean, you guys laughed, so I guess it is, 1097 00:45:39,824 --> 00:45:42,452 but I thought it wasn't until now. 1098 00:45:42,452 --> 00:45:46,497 No, it's awful. It's, um... What are you gonna do though? 1099 00:45:46,497 --> 00:45:49,375 Like, it's-- Not buy an $8 dress? 1100 00:45:49,375 --> 00:45:53,546 - (laughter) - Like I don't know what I'm supposed to do. 1101 00:45:53,546 --> 00:45:55,089 I love fast fashion. I can't stop. 1102 00:45:55,089 --> 00:45:58,593 I like the sizing. I just bought a dress from Fashion Nova, 1103 00:45:58,593 --> 00:45:59,886 which I shouldn't do it, 1104 00:45:59,886 --> 00:46:01,929 but, man. I'm usually a size six dress, 1105 00:46:01,929 --> 00:46:04,557 but I check the tag, and now I'm a "help me" in Korean, 1106 00:46:04,557 --> 00:46:08,519 - and I think that's like really tiny. - (laughter) 1107 00:46:08,519 --> 00:46:10,980 It makes me feel little, so... 1108 00:46:12,607 --> 00:46:15,193 I don't know about marriage though. I don't think... 1109 00:46:15,193 --> 00:46:17,361 I don't know if monogamy is for me. 1110 00:46:17,361 --> 00:46:20,239 - (cheering, applause) - I question it. I do. 1111 00:46:20,239 --> 00:46:22,658 And the only reason I think that is I look at the porn 1112 00:46:22,658 --> 00:46:26,162 that I watch, and I'm like, "This is not a marriage. You know? 1113 00:46:26,162 --> 00:46:27,830 (laughter) 1114 00:46:27,830 --> 00:46:31,793 My dad's not gonna pay for this." Right? 1115 00:46:31,793 --> 00:46:35,505 I'm not watching marital sex when I jerk off. 1116 00:46:36,297 --> 00:46:39,675 I'm not cumming to a committed couple having lazy side sex 1117 00:46:39,675 --> 00:46:41,219 because they ate too much cheese. 1118 00:46:41,219 --> 00:46:43,346 - This isn't what gets me off. - (laughter) 1119 00:46:43,346 --> 00:46:46,057 - It isn't! - (applause) 1120 00:46:48,142 --> 00:46:49,310 I... 1121 00:46:49,310 --> 00:46:52,730 I like gangbangs, if I'm being honest. 1122 00:46:52,730 --> 00:46:55,149 I like gangbangs. 1123 00:46:55,149 --> 00:46:58,277 - (cheering) - I watch them. They're amazing. 1124 00:46:58,277 --> 00:47:00,822 They're rough though. Boy, are they rough. 1125 00:47:01,531 --> 00:47:04,450 The ones I watch, some of them, I go, "Jesus Christ." 1126 00:47:04,450 --> 00:47:07,620 I know it's bad because they have nine views. 1127 00:47:07,620 --> 00:47:09,580 I'm like, "Oh boy, this isn't good." 1128 00:47:09,580 --> 00:47:12,792 (laughter) 1129 00:47:12,792 --> 00:47:15,253 Every video I watch has a bucket in the corner 1130 00:47:15,253 --> 00:47:17,046 that has no less than three uses. 1131 00:47:17,046 --> 00:47:20,967 None of them good. I mean, this is depraved stuff. 1132 00:47:21,759 --> 00:47:24,011 I feel bad. I feel bad after I watch it! 1133 00:47:24,011 --> 00:47:26,222 My soul is like, "Ugh," you know? 1134 00:47:26,222 --> 00:47:28,433 But my soul and my clit are not on the same page, 1135 00:47:28,433 --> 00:47:30,935 so those two need to get a coffee or something. 1136 00:47:30,935 --> 00:47:32,478 Have a little chat. 1137 00:47:32,854 --> 00:47:34,772 (sighs) My boyfriend does know about 1138 00:47:34,772 --> 00:47:36,983 my gangbang proclivity because... 1139 00:47:36,983 --> 00:47:40,194 he's here tonight, so he just found out. 1140 00:47:40,194 --> 00:47:42,739 - (cheering) - Surprise! 1141 00:47:42,739 --> 00:47:45,408 It's just a joke! (fake laugh) 1142 00:47:45,408 --> 00:47:47,702 (laughter) 1143 00:47:47,702 --> 00:47:50,663 It's not a joke. I want it. 1144 00:47:50,663 --> 00:47:52,665 It's hard to tell your boyfriend that you want a gangbang. 1145 00:47:52,665 --> 00:47:56,002 It's like, what do you do? I gave him hints, little nudges. 1146 00:47:56,002 --> 00:47:57,670 I sent him an email with a link that said, 1147 00:47:57,670 --> 00:48:00,631 -"DO THIS," in all caps. I mean, just... - (laughter) 1148 00:48:01,632 --> 00:48:03,217 You know. (giggles) 1149 00:48:03,217 --> 00:48:05,136 He goes, "Do this?" And I go, "Yeah, do this." 1150 00:48:05,136 --> 00:48:07,346 He's like, "What does that even mean? What do you mean?" 1151 00:48:07,346 --> 00:48:10,349 And I go, "I don't know. Didn't you just join a pickleball league? 1152 00:48:10,349 --> 00:48:13,394 "Like make some friends! See who can keep a secret. 1153 00:48:14,896 --> 00:48:17,482 "You're gonna have to venture out of the pickleball court 1154 00:48:17,482 --> 00:48:19,358 "to find the Black guys we need for this gangbang 1155 00:48:19,358 --> 00:48:22,445 "because I will be honest with you, 1156 00:48:22,445 --> 00:48:26,157 affirmative action is very important to me." 1157 00:48:26,157 --> 00:48:28,785 They're firm I want some action. But... 1158 00:48:28,785 --> 00:48:32,288 - (laughter) - My boyfriend knows all of this, and he wasn't threatened. 1159 00:48:32,288 --> 00:48:34,207 It was actually not surprising 1160 00:48:34,207 --> 00:48:35,917 because he doesn't get threatened by this stuff. 1161 00:48:35,917 --> 00:48:37,835 Not like my friend's boyfriends and husbands. 1162 00:48:37,835 --> 00:48:41,672 My one friend, she had to hide her vibrator from her husband 1163 00:48:41,672 --> 00:48:45,760 - because he kept using it, and I think that's so sad. - (laughter) 1164 00:48:45,760 --> 00:48:48,179 Get your own, but... 1165 00:48:48,179 --> 00:48:51,099 No, she had to hide it because he was insecure about it, 1166 00:48:51,099 --> 00:48:54,268 which I get. I get being jealous and insecure of something 1167 00:48:54,268 --> 00:48:58,231 that's so much better than you. Like I get that. It is! 1168 00:48:58,231 --> 00:49:00,441 It is. It vibrates! Right? 1169 00:49:00,441 --> 00:49:02,944 But don't worry. We don't compare you to it. 1170 00:49:02,944 --> 00:49:04,612 It's better than you, but-- 1171 00:49:04,612 --> 00:49:06,531 I've never looked at my boyfriend's dick and been like, 1172 00:49:06,531 --> 00:49:08,699 "But it's not green. Like, I hate this. 1173 00:49:08,699 --> 00:49:10,993 - (laughter) -"I'm going. 1174 00:49:10,993 --> 00:49:13,121 "Doesn't vibrate at 90 pulses a second. 1175 00:49:13,121 --> 00:49:15,915 -"I hate it! - (laughter) 1176 00:49:15,915 --> 00:49:18,960 Where's the charging cable I'm gonna lose?" 1177 00:49:18,960 --> 00:49:20,920 Like, it's different. It's a dick. 1178 00:49:20,920 --> 00:49:23,589 Do you compare us to your hand? 1179 00:49:24,048 --> 00:49:26,384 - No. I-I hope not. - (laughter) 1180 00:49:26,384 --> 00:49:30,054 I don't have that kind of grip down there. 1181 00:49:30,054 --> 00:49:31,848 My pussy can't open a jar of pickles. 1182 00:49:31,848 --> 00:49:33,808 I don't have those kind of Kegels 1183 00:49:33,808 --> 00:49:35,977 to get in some Claussen's. 1184 00:49:35,977 --> 00:49:37,395 (laughter) 1185 00:49:37,395 --> 00:49:39,313 I hope you're never fucking us, just like, 1186 00:49:39,313 --> 00:49:42,400 "Oh, there's no calluses. This sucks. 1187 00:49:42,400 --> 00:49:43,443 (laughter) 1188 00:49:43,443 --> 00:49:46,237 I miss my class ring." Like, what? 1189 00:49:49,532 --> 00:49:51,409 It's different! 1190 00:49:52,910 --> 00:49:55,163 My boyfriend, he snapped into action 1191 00:49:55,163 --> 00:49:57,039 when he found out about the gangbang thing, man. 1192 00:49:57,039 --> 00:49:58,791 We were fooling around one time, he blindfolded me, 1193 00:49:58,791 --> 00:50:02,045 and he's like, "I've invited some guys over to gangbang you. 1194 00:50:02,045 --> 00:50:03,629 "They're waiting in the hallway. They're lined up. 1195 00:50:03,629 --> 00:50:06,215 They're gonna come in one by one and fuck you." 1196 00:50:06,215 --> 00:50:08,843 I was like, "That's a train. Okay, like that's different." 1197 00:50:08,843 --> 00:50:11,054 (laughter) 1198 00:50:11,054 --> 00:50:13,931 A train is one by one. It's cute. It's adorable. 1199 00:50:13,931 --> 00:50:16,642 It's great. A train is folksy. 1200 00:50:16,642 --> 00:50:18,644 - You know? - (laughter) 1201 00:50:18,644 --> 00:50:21,522 It's not nothin', but, you know, it's quaint. 1202 00:50:21,522 --> 00:50:24,525 A gangbang is an Amtrak derailment. 1203 00:50:24,525 --> 00:50:28,488 - (laughter) - I mean, a gangbang is FEMA gets called in. 1204 00:50:29,655 --> 00:50:32,492 A gangbang will ruin a town forever, you know? 1205 00:50:33,076 --> 00:50:34,952 But I was like, "We can do a train. All aboard. 1206 00:50:34,952 --> 00:50:37,413 - Let's go. Choo-choo." - (laughter) 1207 00:50:37,413 --> 00:50:39,665 No, I was-- At first, I was horrified. 1208 00:50:39,665 --> 00:50:42,668 I go, "What? You did what!? There's-- Who's here?" 1209 00:50:42,668 --> 00:50:45,505 'Cause it was at my apartment, and the parking situation there 1210 00:50:45,505 --> 00:50:48,466 - is a nightmare. I have to give them passes. - (laughter) 1211 00:50:48,466 --> 00:50:49,926 I have to bring them up. I was like, 1212 00:50:49,926 --> 00:50:51,302 "The door guy's gonna be so mad at me." 1213 00:50:51,302 --> 00:50:52,470 He was like, "The door guy's here." 1214 00:50:52,470 --> 00:50:55,556 - I was like, "Okay, well... - (laughter) 1215 00:50:57,642 --> 00:50:59,227 "That's one Black guy down. Alright, 1216 00:50:59,227 --> 00:51:02,271 - so someone was taking notes." - (laughter) 1217 00:51:03,564 --> 00:51:06,818 No, he goes, "It's make-believe. Don't-- Just calm down." 1218 00:51:06,818 --> 00:51:09,737 I go, "Okay, now I can do this. It's just a role-play thing, 1219 00:51:09,737 --> 00:51:11,239 but what's gonna happen here?" 1220 00:51:11,239 --> 00:51:13,324 So then, he proceeds to bring in each guy. 1221 00:51:13,324 --> 00:51:15,118 He announces them, and then the guy comes in, 1222 00:51:15,118 --> 00:51:17,412 and then he does a voice for each guy. 1223 00:51:17,412 --> 00:51:19,414 (laughter) 1224 00:51:19,414 --> 00:51:20,706 So smart, right? 1225 00:51:20,706 --> 00:51:22,458 I'm blindfolded, so they all sound different. 1226 00:51:22,458 --> 00:51:24,877 He's kinda good at voices. He really is. 1227 00:51:24,877 --> 00:51:26,129 It like kinda took me out of it. 1228 00:51:26,129 --> 00:51:28,047 I mean, his Cosby was a little disconcerting, 1229 00:51:28,047 --> 00:51:31,259 - but that one, I just... - (laughter) 1230 00:51:33,261 --> 00:51:34,929 I always fall asleep during it. 1231 00:51:34,929 --> 00:51:36,347 - I mean, he gets... - (laughter) 1232 00:51:36,347 --> 00:51:38,224 He gets method about it. 1233 00:51:38,766 --> 00:51:41,185 I wake up, and there's pudding on my face. 1234 00:51:41,185 --> 00:51:43,271 - I'm like, "Oh, God. - (laughter) 1235 00:51:43,271 --> 00:51:45,898 Classic Cos." (laughs) 1236 00:51:48,317 --> 00:51:50,903 No, it's so brilliant. A different voice for each guy. 1237 00:51:50,903 --> 00:51:52,280 A different toy for each guy, too, 1238 00:51:52,280 --> 00:51:54,323 so it really feels like someone different. 1239 00:51:54,323 --> 00:51:56,701 At first, he was using his own dick for each guy, 1240 00:51:56,701 --> 00:51:58,703 and I was like, that worked when I was, like, 1241 00:51:58,703 --> 00:52:01,122 you know, imagining his brothers, but like-- (laughs) 1242 00:52:01,122 --> 00:52:03,124 (laughter) 1243 00:52:03,124 --> 00:52:05,835 When he was playing his brothers, it was fine, 1244 00:52:05,835 --> 00:52:10,089 but after a while, I was like, every guy has your dick? Like... 1245 00:52:10,089 --> 00:52:12,050 I don't see color, but I can feel it. 1246 00:52:12,050 --> 00:52:14,052 So, I'm just saying if... 1247 00:52:14,052 --> 00:52:17,597 (laughter, applause) 1248 00:52:17,597 --> 00:52:19,891 (giggles) 1249 00:52:19,891 --> 00:52:21,893 He added a really fun element to it though because he goes, 1250 00:52:21,893 --> 00:52:23,686 "Okay, they're gonna come in one by one to fuck you, 1251 00:52:23,686 --> 00:52:25,521 but you can't fuck them." And I'm like, what? 1252 00:52:25,521 --> 00:52:27,106 He's like, "They're all gonna try, but you can't." 1253 00:52:27,106 --> 00:52:29,484 I'm like, what is this? He goes, "You need to be a good girl." 1254 00:52:29,484 --> 00:52:31,736 - And I'm like, "Okay. Well, I can't... - (laughter) 1255 00:52:32,403 --> 00:52:34,280 "I'm already finished if you just wanna call it 1256 00:52:34,280 --> 00:52:36,657 "on this whole thing because that was enough for me. 1257 00:52:36,657 --> 00:52:39,327 I will be a good girl. Okay, I won't fuck them." 1258 00:52:39,327 --> 00:52:40,495 So then, they each come in, 1259 00:52:40,495 --> 00:52:41,829 and, of course, they try to fuck me. 1260 00:52:41,829 --> 00:52:43,539 And they're like, "Come on, I'm gonna fuck you." 1261 00:52:43,539 --> 00:52:45,333 And I go, "I can't. I told my boyfriend I wouldn't. 1262 00:52:45,333 --> 00:52:47,126 He's nice enough to even let me do this. I can't." 1263 00:52:47,126 --> 00:52:48,669 And they're like, "No, I'm gonna fuck you." 1264 00:52:48,669 --> 00:52:50,922 And I go, "No... 'kay." 1265 00:52:50,922 --> 00:52:52,882 And then I cheat on my boyfriend 1266 00:52:52,882 --> 00:52:55,510 with my boyfriend! It's amazing! 1267 00:52:55,510 --> 00:52:58,179 And then that guy leaves, and then my boyfriend comes back in, 1268 00:52:58,179 --> 00:52:59,847 and he's like, "You didn't fuck that guy, did you?" 1269 00:52:59,847 --> 00:53:02,183 And I'm like, "I would never betray you in that way. 1270 00:53:02,183 --> 00:53:06,020 - (laughter) - Like, I love you so much. I would never do that." 1271 00:53:06,020 --> 00:53:08,356 So, I am lying to my boyfriend 1272 00:53:08,356 --> 00:53:09,982 about cheating on my boyfriend with my boyfriend. 1273 00:53:09,982 --> 00:53:11,818 Like I'm lying, I'm cheating, I'm doing all the things 1274 00:53:11,818 --> 00:53:14,695 I've ever wanted to do in a monogamous relationship. 1275 00:53:14,695 --> 00:53:16,697 I'm planning his murder with one of these guys. 1276 00:53:16,697 --> 00:53:19,742 - I'm like, "I think I could get married if I-- - (laughter) 1277 00:53:20,618 --> 00:53:23,371 if he could keep this up. This is amazing." 1278 00:53:23,371 --> 00:53:25,289 But I got a little too greedy, I wanna say. 1279 00:53:25,289 --> 00:53:27,208 Like I was excited about this whole thing, 1280 00:53:27,208 --> 00:53:29,293 and we were watching TV one night, 1281 00:53:29,293 --> 00:53:32,380 and I got a crush on one of the guys on the show, 1282 00:53:32,380 --> 00:53:34,257 some Italian guy. 1283 00:53:34,257 --> 00:53:35,842 And my boyfriend's sitting next to me. 1284 00:53:35,842 --> 00:53:37,760 He's like eating Thai food in his pajamas. 1285 00:53:37,760 --> 00:53:39,554 He was not in the mood for me to be like, 1286 00:53:39,554 --> 00:53:42,390 "Hey, maybe you should invite Mario 1287 00:53:42,390 --> 00:53:45,226 - to one of our GB seshes." - (laughter) 1288 00:53:45,226 --> 00:53:47,228 And he was like, "Are we still casting? 1289 00:53:47,228 --> 00:53:49,605 - I didn't know." - (laughter) 1290 00:53:49,605 --> 00:53:52,692 I, uh, I forgot about it for a while after that. 1291 00:53:52,692 --> 00:53:55,319 But then, he remembered. It was so awesome. 1292 00:53:55,319 --> 00:53:57,822 We were doing the thing, and then at the very end, 1293 00:53:57,822 --> 00:54:00,908 it was the last guy, and he goes, "And finally... 1294 00:54:00,908 --> 00:54:03,286 - Mario." - (cheering) 1295 00:54:03,286 --> 00:54:04,871 He sounded like he was introducing 1296 00:54:04,871 --> 00:54:06,122 the musical guest on "SNL." 1297 00:54:06,122 --> 00:54:08,541 He was like, "And finally... Mario." 1298 00:54:08,541 --> 00:54:09,917 I was like, "Thank you, babe!" 1299 00:54:09,917 --> 00:54:11,586 It was one of those moments where I was like, 1300 00:54:11,586 --> 00:54:13,463 "He remembered! Like, he went to Jared!" 1301 00:54:13,463 --> 00:54:16,090 - Like it was like my version of that. - (laughter) 1302 00:54:16,090 --> 00:54:19,886 "He went to Jared and Mario and Keith and Larry." You know. 1303 00:54:20,970 --> 00:54:23,389 I was so excited. He goes, "Here comes Mario." 1304 00:54:23,389 --> 00:54:25,641 I was like, "Thank you!" He was like, "You're welcome." 1305 00:54:25,641 --> 00:54:27,101 And then Mario comes in, he's like, 1306 00:54:27,101 --> 00:54:28,436 (Super Mario voice) "It's-a me, Mario!" 1307 00:54:28,436 --> 00:54:31,522 - (normal) And I go, "No! What? No! - (laughter) 1308 00:54:31,522 --> 00:54:34,817 - Not that one!" - (applause) 1309 00:54:38,613 --> 00:54:40,531 He's like, "That's what you get for making suggestions." 1310 00:54:40,531 --> 00:54:42,408 I was like, "No... (crying) 1311 00:54:42,408 --> 00:54:45,036 - (laughter) - No." 1312 00:54:45,036 --> 00:54:48,289 And Mario laid some pipe. I gotta say, wasn't that bad. 1313 00:54:48,289 --> 00:54:49,791 (laughter) 1314 00:54:49,791 --> 00:54:51,459 Luigi was there, too. I could hear him. 1315 00:54:51,459 --> 00:54:53,795 He was in the corner, jerking off like a cuck. 1316 00:54:53,795 --> 00:54:55,046 (laughter) 1317 00:54:55,046 --> 00:54:57,215 Heard his overalls clanking around. 1318 00:54:57,215 --> 00:54:59,550 (laughter) 1319 00:54:59,550 --> 00:55:00,843 Because of this fantasy, 1320 00:55:00,843 --> 00:55:02,762 I don't think I'd need to have a gangbang now. 1321 00:55:02,762 --> 00:55:04,847 Now, I'm like, maybe it's just enough to watch them. 1322 00:55:04,847 --> 00:55:08,059 And I do love watching them, and I'll never stop. 1323 00:55:08,059 --> 00:55:10,061 They're so impressive, dude. 1324 00:55:10,061 --> 00:55:13,272 If you don't know, like-- (sighs) Let me just show you. 1325 00:55:13,272 --> 00:55:16,359 - Can I get some volunteers? No. - (laughter) 1326 00:55:16,359 --> 00:55:19,278 The woman is usually like on her back, 1327 00:55:19,278 --> 00:55:22,615 like a stranded turtle. She's just kinda like (groans) you know. 1328 00:55:22,615 --> 00:55:24,700 And there are two or three 1329 00:55:24,700 --> 00:55:27,578 or four dicks down there sometimes. 1330 00:55:27,578 --> 00:55:29,205 I don't like three or four. 1331 00:55:29,205 --> 00:55:30,706 I like two, one in each hole. 1332 00:55:30,706 --> 00:55:32,667 That's perfect. That's all we need. 1333 00:55:32,667 --> 00:55:35,169 I don't like one. I don't like when a girl's like, "No anal." 1334 00:55:35,169 --> 00:55:36,838 I'm like, what is this, Kid Bops? 1335 00:55:36,838 --> 00:55:38,423 Like I'm not watching this shit with my niece. 1336 00:55:38,423 --> 00:55:40,508 - (laughter) - Fill her up. 1337 00:55:40,508 --> 00:55:42,677 It's so nuts, dude. 1338 00:55:42,677 --> 00:55:44,554 Really, I watch these, and I just go, 1339 00:55:44,554 --> 00:55:47,432 "Thank you for your service." I mean, these women, 1340 00:55:47,432 --> 00:55:49,350 they work their asses off. I mean, some of them, 1341 00:55:49,350 --> 00:55:51,436 their assholes literally fall off. 1342 00:55:51,436 --> 00:55:53,771 - (laughter) - It is so impressive. 1343 00:55:53,771 --> 00:55:55,606 And that's why I think I really like them though. 1344 00:55:55,606 --> 00:55:58,192 It's just because these women are so impressive. They're-- 1345 00:55:58,860 --> 00:56:01,696 They're almost relatable in what they're doing, you know? 1346 00:56:01,696 --> 00:56:03,406 They're doing so much all at once, 1347 00:56:03,406 --> 00:56:05,908 it's like a masterclass in multitasking. 1348 00:56:05,908 --> 00:56:08,703 - (laughter) - I really relate to them, you know? 1349 00:56:08,703 --> 00:56:12,039 Because there's this girl, she's juggling it all. 1350 00:56:12,039 --> 00:56:13,541 She's making it look easy. 1351 00:56:13,541 --> 00:56:15,293 She's like, "I got this," you know? 1352 00:56:15,293 --> 00:56:17,879 It's, it's, it's a lot like life. 1353 00:56:17,879 --> 00:56:20,465 I look at it and I go, that's my life, kind of. 1354 00:56:20,465 --> 00:56:23,426 Every day, life is just trying to fuck you 1355 00:56:23,426 --> 00:56:25,344 from so many different angles. 1356 00:56:25,344 --> 00:56:28,097 - (laughter) - You know what I mean? 1357 00:56:28,097 --> 00:56:30,391 Life is a gangbang, really. 1358 00:56:30,391 --> 00:56:32,393 It's like you gotta find a career, 1359 00:56:32,393 --> 00:56:33,811 and then you gotta raise a family, 1360 00:56:33,811 --> 00:56:35,980 and you gotta practice self-care, 1361 00:56:35,980 --> 00:56:38,733 and you have to realize none of it's making you happy. 1362 00:56:38,733 --> 00:56:41,778 - (cheering) - And you all go to therapy! 1363 00:56:41,778 --> 00:56:42,904 That'll help! 1364 00:56:42,904 --> 00:56:45,073 Then you learn it's your mom's fault. 1365 00:56:45,073 --> 00:56:47,241 - Then you go to more therapy. - (applause) 1366 00:56:47,241 --> 00:56:49,827 Then you realize it's your dad's fault! 1367 00:56:49,827 --> 00:56:52,580 And then, you're like, "Oh, I'll try ayahuasca!" 1368 00:56:52,580 --> 00:56:55,249 And then you puke your molestations into a bucket! 1369 00:56:55,249 --> 00:56:56,375 (gagging) 1370 00:56:56,876 --> 00:56:59,587 And then, you fucking-- You can just keep smiling. 1371 00:56:59,587 --> 00:57:01,631 You know, change positions. Okay, good. 1372 00:57:01,631 --> 00:57:04,634 - Everything's fine. - (laughter) 1373 00:57:04,634 --> 00:57:07,303 You gotta get a skincare routine and you gotta hydrate! 1374 00:57:07,303 --> 00:57:09,263 You gotta exfoliate! Gua sha! 1375 00:57:09,263 --> 00:57:10,598 Realize nothing you do 1376 00:57:10,598 --> 00:57:12,683 will ever make you look like a Korean teen! 1377 00:57:12,683 --> 00:57:15,603 - (laughter) - Don't forget to get your REAL ID! 1378 00:57:15,603 --> 00:57:17,563 - (laughter) - (moaning) 1379 00:57:17,563 --> 00:57:19,065 Oh, God! Oh, God! 1380 00:57:19,065 --> 00:57:21,609 (orgasmic gasping) 1381 00:57:21,609 --> 00:57:23,319 And then, you get bangs! 1382 00:57:23,319 --> 00:57:25,321 Then, you post about your bangs on Instagram, 1383 00:57:25,321 --> 00:57:28,783 and you only get one fire emoji, and it's from your hairstylist! 1384 00:57:28,783 --> 00:57:31,953 - Fuck! Now, I have bangs! - (cheering) 1385 00:57:31,953 --> 00:57:35,039 Only Taylor Swift can pull off this look! (gagging) 1386 00:57:35,039 --> 00:57:37,375 Then, you realize you don't have the core strength 1387 00:57:37,375 --> 00:57:38,835 to keep doing this joke! 1388 00:57:38,835 --> 00:57:42,130 - (applause) - You wonder why the fuck you wrote this bit! 1389 00:57:42,630 --> 00:57:45,550 Why is this your career at the age of 39? 1390 00:57:45,550 --> 00:57:47,510 Is this even art anymore? 1391 00:57:47,510 --> 00:57:50,972 - (gagging) - (laughter) 1392 00:57:50,972 --> 00:57:52,181 (panting) 1393 00:57:52,181 --> 00:57:54,726 It's all so exhausting, you guys! 1394 00:57:54,726 --> 00:57:57,603 - (cheering) - There's too many dicks, 1395 00:57:57,603 --> 00:58:00,481 and you can't jerk them all off, no matter how hard you try. 1396 00:58:00,481 --> 00:58:02,150 (laughter) 1397 00:58:02,150 --> 00:58:04,318 It's relentless, it's exhausting, 1398 00:58:04,318 --> 00:58:08,156 and there's no safe word, you know? 1399 00:58:08,156 --> 00:58:09,866 Life is a gangbang, 1400 00:58:09,866 --> 00:58:12,702 and most of the time, you don't even get to cum. 1401 00:58:12,702 --> 00:58:15,329 - (cheering) - (panting) 1402 00:58:15,329 --> 00:58:18,541 (applause) 1403 00:58:18,541 --> 00:58:21,002 - But... - (electronic music playing) 1404 00:58:21,002 --> 00:58:23,087 there is good news. 1405 00:58:23,087 --> 00:58:25,089 'Cause someday, 1406 00:58:25,089 --> 00:58:27,175 - you'll die. - (laughter) 1407 00:58:27,175 --> 00:58:30,303 (applause, cheering) 1408 00:58:41,439 --> 00:58:43,191 Thank you, Seattle! Good night! 1409 00:58:43,191 --> 00:58:45,234 ♪ Someday, you'll die ♪ 1410 00:58:47,820 --> 00:58:51,824 ♪ Someday, you'll die... ♪ 1411 00:58:52,992 --> 00:58:54,577 ♪ Someday, you'll die ♪ 1412 00:58:54,577 --> 00:58:56,746 ♪ I'm not okay ♪ 1413 00:58:56,746 --> 00:58:58,956 ♪ I sound insane ♪ 1414 00:58:58,956 --> 00:59:03,169 ♪ It's not my whole words in my brain ♪ 1415 00:59:03,169 --> 00:59:06,005 ♪ I can't complain ♪ 1416 00:59:06,005 --> 00:59:07,840 ♪ My life is ♪ 1417 00:59:07,840 --> 00:59:11,052 ♪ Fucking great ♪ 1418 00:59:11,052 --> 00:59:12,762 (cheering fades out) 1419 00:59:12,762 --> 00:59:15,098 ♪ When life's a mess, and you're depressed ♪ 1420 00:59:15,098 --> 00:59:17,308 ♪ Breathe deep and just be grateful ♪ 1421 00:59:17,308 --> 00:59:20,728 ♪ There's just one sure thing in this life ♪ 1422 00:59:21,896 --> 00:59:24,857 ♪ That someday, you'll die ♪ 1423 00:59:26,734 --> 00:59:30,905 ♪ Someday, you'll die... ♪ 1424 00:59:31,406 --> 00:59:34,200 ♪ Someday, you'll die! ♪