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(muffled crowd cheering)
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00:00:09,093 --> 00:00:12,388
(echoing footsteps)
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- (full volume cheering)
- Hello!
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(applause)
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What am I? Taylor Swift?
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(cheering dies down)
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You make a girl feel good.
Thank you so much. I really...
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I feel great tonight.
I gotta tell you,
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it feels good to feel great
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because I've been feeling
pretty bad recently.
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I've been battling
a depressive episode,
but I'm out of it.
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It was-- It was bad.
It was a postpartum thing.
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My friend just had a baby,
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and so I've just been
mourning the loss
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of that friendship.
(sighs) She gone.
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(laughter)
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Anyone else
losing friends to babies?
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- (cheering, applause)
- Yeah? Yeah. It sucks.
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Is anyone else secretly
hoping those friends
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lose their babies?
Because that's where I'm at.
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- (laughter)
- That's where I'm at!
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I feel bad about it.
I don't say this to them.
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I just think it as I blow out
my birthday candles,
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but you can't help
what you wish.
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(laughter)
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It's not funny.
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My friend just got pregnant
from in vitro.
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She was telling me about it.
She was like,
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"I spent $30,000
doing in vitro."
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I was like, "I'll pay you 40
to get an aborsho.
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"Like, if you wanna make
money on this deal,
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"I'll Venmo you right now.
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"I got money
because I don't got kids, so...
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"I don't know what
I'll write in the memo.
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"Just like a vacuum emoji.
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"I feel like it'll be...
People won't know.
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They'll think I like bought
a vintage Hoover from you."
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(laughter)
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No, I'm thrilled for my friend.
I really am.
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She has me in charge
of the baby shower,
which is gonna be fun.
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I don't know
what we're gonna do yet.
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I think maybe bull riding?
I don't know. Like, I'm just...
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A trampoline park?
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Like, what activities
should we do?
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I was thinking maybe like
a stomach-punching contest
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at a staircase museum.
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- I don't know.
- (laughter)
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Just spitballing.
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Fun. It'd be fun.
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It's crazy when your friends
start trying to get pregnant
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because then you realize
how hard it is
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to get pregnant at your age.
I had no idea.
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Because I don't want kids.
I've been using birth control,
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like an idiot.
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The best, most effective
birth control, turns out,
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it's being 39
and getting cummed in
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- because...
- (cheering)
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these girls can't get pregnant!
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(laughter)
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It's almost like the more
you want a child,
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the more God's just like,
"No, I don't think so.
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"That's, like,
really desperate and sad.
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"You're like...
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like a pick-me mom.
Like, you're trying too hard."
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(laughter)
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He's, like, negging them.
It's so rude.
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He's like, "You waited
till you were 37? Really?
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"Why do you think I gave you
your period when you were 14?
I mean, what...?
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"That wasn't so you'd be
embarrassed in gym class.
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That was so you wouldn't
graduate high school."
You know, like...
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(laughter)
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It's crazy!
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It's changed my whole
birth control method, really.
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Now, because I don't want kids,
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my boyfriend cums in me,
and then we pray together
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for a child afterwards.
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We hold hands, and we say,
"Please, God.
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- We're ready.
We really want one."
- (whooping)
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We try not to laugh
when we say it.
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We're building a nursery,
just trying to throw God off,
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because... he's an asshole.
You know?
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We name each of his loads.
It's fun.
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We're running out of...
We get lazy sometimes.
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There's a lot of Randys, but...
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(laughter)
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My heart goes out to you if you
have fertility issues, truly,
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because it must be
so frustrating to know
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you'd be so good at something,
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yet God will not
give you a baby.
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You've waited long enough
to be good at it.
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God's like, "No, sorry."
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And then you hear about a teen
who gets raped by her uncle,
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and God's like, "Here's twins,"
and you're like,
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"What the fuck?
Are you serious?
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I'm over here trying."
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(cheering and applause)
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So, my boyfriend and I have
stopped doing that role-play
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because that was risky.
We were playing with fire!
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- I had no idea!
- (applause)
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(laughs)
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I miss that one.
That was a fun role-play.
I was good at it.
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I'm a very convincing
naughty niece. I would just...
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- (laughter)
- It was, it was good.
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I would just be like,
"Uncle David,
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"what are you doing here?
This is an all-girls sleepover.
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(laughter)
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"What do you mean you lost
something in the dryer?
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"And you want me to crawl in
and get it out?
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(laughter)
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Are you sure this is
how you get to Narnia?"
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Just stuff like that.
I watch too much porn, whatever.
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(laughter)
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But everyone's telling me,
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"Nikki, at your age,
just freeze your eggs.
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Just freeze 'em.
Freeze your eggs."
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I'm like, "Can I burn them?
Is that an option?
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- Because I hate
this conversation."
- (cheering)
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"Just do it."
I know if I don't do it now,
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it'll be too late, but I could
always go the adoption route
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and give 'em up for adoption,
you know, like that.
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I've never wanted kids.
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I don't think it's gonna
happen in like the last month
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of my fertility.
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I just don't want 'em.
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Even when I was a kid, I would
get baby dolls for Christmas
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and just be like, "Oh, God,
this is gonna be a lot of work.
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This is just-- This is
gonna cut into nap time."
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(laughter)
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I tried to abandon it in front
of my brother's toy firehouse.
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Just anything.
"Get this away from me."
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(laughter)
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And I don't like how adults talk
to you when you have baby dolls.
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They're like,
"Is that your baby?
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Are you its mommy?
Is that your baby?"
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I'm like, "No, a man didn't
fuck me, Aunt Gail.
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-"This is...
- (laughter)
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I don't like your tone."
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No wonder women
rush to have kids.
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We're being trained for it
since we were kids.
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They're like,
"Here's a baby doll.
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00:05:55,273 --> 00:05:56,649
Here's an Easy-Bake Oven."
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I got one of those.
I stuck my head in it.
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I was like,
"I want out of this narrative.
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00:06:01,863 --> 00:06:03,990
This is my life?"
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I just don't get wanting kids.
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00:06:07,702 --> 00:06:09,912
I don't get it.
And I think I'm right
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00:06:09,912 --> 00:06:13,249
because I think biology had to
trick us into having kids.
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That's why sex feels good.
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00:06:14,917 --> 00:06:17,045
(laughter)
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Orgasms feel as good
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00:06:19,088 --> 00:06:20,631
as kids are shitty.
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That is--
They're directly correlated.
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(laughter, cheering)
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(applause)
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We are the only animal species
who actively want kids,
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if you think about it.
You've never seen two dogs like,
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-"We're trying.
- (laughter)
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"It's been really hard.
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She's 12, so you know."
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And you're like,
"What? Oh, dog years.
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"Okay.
I guess that's acceptable.
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I thought you were a puppofile,
but..."
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Kids slow you down
in the animal kingdom.
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They make you
more susceptible to prey.
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They deplete your resources.
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God, if animals could jerk off,
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- there'd be no animals. Like...
- (laughter)
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It's the only reason
they happen.
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00:07:02,090 --> 00:07:03,883
They don't connect it.
You ever seen an animal
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00:07:03,883 --> 00:07:06,010
give birth on like a nature
documentary show?
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There's a giraffe giving birth.
It's in active labor.
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It doesn't even know.
It's just like, kind of like,
"(shuddering) Oh, God."
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Shaking, just like,
"What's happening?"
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There's no like doula hyena
next to it, like, "Breathe!"
- (laughter)
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(laughs) Well,
maybe there's a hyena,
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but it's waiting
for its lunch to drop.
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- Like it knows more than
the giraffe knows.
- (laughter)
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The giraffe is like,
"What's happening?"
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It just thinks it's constipated.
Then it looks down. It's like,
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"Why am I shitting legs?
What is happening?"
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It's just like, aaah!
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And then a giraffe falls
out of it, and it goes, "Whoa!"
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- And then it like runs from it.
- (laughter)
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Its first instinct is to split
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00:07:44,757 --> 00:07:46,968
like a teen mom
in a Del Taco bathroom.
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Just like, "I can get outta
here. No one will know.
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(applause)
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"If it doesn't flush,
I'll just say
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00:07:53,766 --> 00:07:56,978
it was the Epic Loaded Burrito.
It looks the same."
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00:07:56,978 --> 00:08:00,940
- (laughter)
- But...
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00:08:02,608 --> 00:08:03,985
The giraffe wants to leave.
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00:08:03,985 --> 00:08:05,820
It knows what a burden
this thing is gonna be,
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00:08:05,820 --> 00:08:07,613
but it stays because it catches
a whiff of it,
194
00:08:07,613 --> 00:08:11,617
and it goes like (sniffing),
and it kinda smells it and goes,
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00:08:11,617 --> 00:08:14,287
"Oh, fuck,
I think I love it! Fuck!
196
00:08:14,287 --> 00:08:16,497
- (laughter)
-"Oh no!
197
00:08:16,497 --> 00:08:19,292
This is gonna get me murdered
by a lion. Fuck."
198
00:08:19,292 --> 00:08:22,462
It doesn't even know. It's like,
"How did this happen?"
199
00:08:22,462 --> 00:08:25,715
It's kinda going back,
like, "When did this..."
And then it goes,
200
00:08:25,715 --> 00:08:28,009
"Oh yeah, I got raped
that one time 15 months ago
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00:08:28,009 --> 00:08:31,179
by the other giraffe,"
because all animal sex is rape.
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00:08:31,179 --> 00:08:34,015
Sorry to tell you this way,
but it's true.
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00:08:34,015 --> 00:08:35,183
(giggles)
204
00:08:35,850 --> 00:08:38,019
The giraffe's just like, "Oh,
I guess it's probably my fault.
205
00:08:38,019 --> 00:08:39,479
"I shouldn't have been
wearing animal print.
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00:08:39,479 --> 00:08:43,566
- No, that was on me.
That's on me."
- (laughter, cheering)
207
00:08:45,443 --> 00:08:47,278
But I, I...
208
00:08:47,278 --> 00:08:49,989
I get why you have kids. I...
209
00:08:49,989 --> 00:08:52,450
I don't get it.
I was trying to be nice.
210
00:08:52,450 --> 00:08:54,035
- (laughter)
- I really don't get it.
211
00:08:54,035 --> 00:08:55,369
I don't get it.
212
00:08:55,369 --> 00:08:59,123
I mean, I do think there is
something different than me
213
00:08:59,123 --> 00:09:01,542
and people who want kids.
I think, um,
214
00:09:01,542 --> 00:09:03,878
I think I'm different
than people who want kids
215
00:09:03,878 --> 00:09:07,382
- because I'm... smart.
I think that that's mainly it.
- (laughter)
216
00:09:07,382 --> 00:09:10,802
I'm a more intelligent person,
and I think things through.
217
00:09:10,802 --> 00:09:13,763
No, (laughs) I don't think that.
218
00:09:13,763 --> 00:09:16,808
No, I actually think that people
that want kids are stupid.
219
00:09:16,808 --> 00:09:18,643
- (cheering)
- Like I think they're dumb,
220
00:09:18,643 --> 00:09:20,311
and they just
kind of go with whatever.
221
00:09:20,311 --> 00:09:22,563
No, I don't think that
at all either. I really don't.
222
00:09:22,563 --> 00:09:24,732
Listen, I get why you have kids.
223
00:09:24,732 --> 00:09:26,692
- I'm not so naïve.
- (laughter)
224
00:09:26,692 --> 00:09:28,653
Like it's because you love them.
225
00:09:28,653 --> 00:09:30,571
That's a great feeling
to feel the love
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00:09:30,571 --> 00:09:32,156
that you have for your child.
227
00:09:32,156 --> 00:09:35,618
It's a feeling I've heard of,
and it sounds so good,
228
00:09:35,618 --> 00:09:37,495
and I might not get to feel it,
229
00:09:37,495 --> 00:09:38,746
and sometimes I get
bummed out by that.
230
00:09:38,746 --> 00:09:40,415
I'm like, "Is this
a human life worth living
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00:09:40,415 --> 00:09:42,875
to not feel that great love?"
232
00:09:42,875 --> 00:09:45,086
And then, I think about,
you know, you don't get to feel
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00:09:45,086 --> 00:09:48,506
- every feeling in life
that's good, you know?
- (laughter)
234
00:09:48,506 --> 00:09:51,801
Like, I also have
no plans on doing heroin.
235
00:09:51,801 --> 00:09:54,595
Like I hear that feeling's
pretty great.
236
00:09:54,595 --> 00:09:57,932
I hear it might be better
than the kid feeling,
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00:09:57,932 --> 00:10:00,059
- to be honest with you.
- (laughter)
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00:10:00,059 --> 00:10:02,437
Because I know people
who have kids who do heroin,
239
00:10:02,437 --> 00:10:04,939
and they're like, "Kids-shmids.
Leave 'em in the car.
240
00:10:04,939 --> 00:10:07,608
"Let's go get more heroin.
Crack a window.
241
00:10:07,608 --> 00:10:09,902
(laughter)
242
00:10:09,902 --> 00:10:12,739
"Actually, bring the kid.
Let's sell it for heroin.
243
00:10:12,739 --> 00:10:16,242
"I don't care about this kid
because I love heroin.
244
00:10:18,161 --> 00:10:21,330
"Yes, I'd die for my kids,
but I will die of heroin.
245
00:10:21,330 --> 00:10:23,291
- That is certain."
- (laughter)
246
00:10:23,291 --> 00:10:25,626
So, I don't know.
247
00:10:25,626 --> 00:10:28,171
Who am I to say what's
gonna happen with me?
248
00:10:28,171 --> 00:10:29,255
I could change my mind.
249
00:10:29,255 --> 00:10:30,965
Maybe I just haven't met
the right person yet
250
00:10:30,965 --> 00:10:34,302
- to do heroin with,
but I just...
- (laughter)
251
00:10:35,970 --> 00:10:39,307
Someday, I'll just tie the knot,
and it'll be right here.
252
00:10:39,307 --> 00:10:41,809
(laughter, applause)
253
00:10:41,809 --> 00:10:44,687
I think this is the arm with
the good vein. I don't know.
254
00:10:46,230 --> 00:10:47,774
(giggles)
255
00:10:49,692 --> 00:10:53,196
I do get-- that love
that you feel, holy shit.
256
00:10:53,196 --> 00:10:54,655
I think that's why
I don't want kids
257
00:10:54,655 --> 00:10:57,033
is because I'm actually
scared of that love.
258
00:10:57,033 --> 00:10:59,577
Loving something that much
terrifies me.
259
00:10:59,577 --> 00:11:01,204
That's so brave
that you took that on.
260
00:11:01,204 --> 00:11:03,831
If you're a parent,
you put your entire life
261
00:11:03,831 --> 00:11:05,458
into the hands of
a toddler who's like,
262
00:11:05,458 --> 00:11:08,961
-"Traffic!" Just like,
what the fuck? Like...
- (laughter)
263
00:11:10,546 --> 00:11:12,590
Do you also free solo climb?
264
00:11:12,590 --> 00:11:15,676
Like, that's crazy
that you did that.
265
00:11:15,676 --> 00:11:17,678
That's so risky
because I, I mean,
266
00:11:17,678 --> 00:11:19,722
I'm almost mad at
my sister for having kids
267
00:11:19,722 --> 00:11:21,766
because the way I feel
about my niece and nephew,
268
00:11:21,766 --> 00:11:25,061
if anything ever happened
to them, like, I would...
269
00:11:25,061 --> 00:11:28,022
- I'd be okay.
I'd be okay eventually.
- (laughter)
270
00:11:28,022 --> 00:11:30,483
At first, it would be the worst!
271
00:11:31,442 --> 00:11:33,361
Oh, it'd be awful, but then,
like, a Taylor Swift album
272
00:11:33,361 --> 00:11:35,571
would come out. Like,
I would kind of like rebound.
273
00:11:35,571 --> 00:11:38,574
I would have moments of like,
274
00:11:38,574 --> 00:11:40,076
"I'm back to my old self."
But, my sister,
275
00:11:40,076 --> 00:11:42,912
no Taylor Swift will get her
out of that, you know?
276
00:11:42,912 --> 00:11:44,789
It's over for her
if something happens.
277
00:11:44,789 --> 00:11:46,207
That's extremely risky.
278
00:11:46,207 --> 00:11:49,001
That's really impressive to me
to take on that.
279
00:11:49,001 --> 00:11:52,046
I think it's just
I look at being a mom,
280
00:11:52,046 --> 00:11:55,717
and I think it's too hard
to be a mom for me. I just...
281
00:11:55,717 --> 00:11:57,510
Actually, no.
It's not hard to be a mom.
282
00:11:57,510 --> 00:11:59,929
It's hard to be a good mom.
That's...
283
00:11:59,929 --> 00:12:01,931
It's easy to be a bad mom.
284
00:12:01,931 --> 00:12:05,268
- That's so easy,
but to be a good mom is hard.
- (cheering)
285
00:12:05,268 --> 00:12:08,146
To be a bad mom, that's as easy
as being a great dad.
286
00:12:08,146 --> 00:12:11,482
- That's what that is.
- (laughter)
287
00:12:11,482 --> 00:12:13,276
(cheering)
288
00:12:13,276 --> 00:12:15,737
- Yeah.
- (applause)
289
00:12:15,737 --> 00:12:18,156
It's a cakewalk, you know it.
290
00:12:18,156 --> 00:12:20,241
It's not your fault.
It's just the way it is.
291
00:12:20,241 --> 00:12:23,119
And I know there are some dads
that do just as much as moms,
292
00:12:23,119 --> 00:12:24,871
and it's because
your wife is dead.
293
00:12:24,871 --> 00:12:27,081
- (laughter)
- That's probably why.
294
00:12:27,081 --> 00:12:29,542
Otherwise, it doesn't happen.
295
00:12:31,919 --> 00:12:34,380
But some people just know, man.
Some moms just know.
296
00:12:34,380 --> 00:12:36,758
"I always knew I would be
a mom," that's what they say.
297
00:12:36,758 --> 00:12:39,427
(breathy)
"I always knew
I would be a mom."
298
00:12:39,427 --> 00:12:42,805
(normal)
They have to say it
with that ethereal, breathy,
299
00:12:42,805 --> 00:12:45,600
- condescending tone.
- (laughter)
300
00:12:45,600 --> 00:12:46,976
(breathy)
"You struggle with the decision?
301
00:12:46,976 --> 00:12:48,770
I always knew
I'd be a mom."
302
00:12:48,770 --> 00:12:50,021
(laughter)
303
00:12:50,021 --> 00:12:53,066
Oh, wow. I always knew
I'd mute you on Instagram.
304
00:12:53,066 --> 00:12:54,233
(cheering)
305
00:12:54,233 --> 00:12:57,487
They're like,
"I'm a mom. I'm a mom.
306
00:12:57,487 --> 00:13:00,573
I'm a mama bear.
I'm a mom-om-om."
307
00:13:01,532 --> 00:13:03,451
(normal)
Why do you have to say
it like that? Just say,
308
00:13:03,451 --> 00:13:06,704
"I'm a-- I'm a mom."
Like you don't have to go,
309
00:13:06,704 --> 00:13:10,124
-"Mom... mm... (smacking)
- (laughter)
310
00:13:10,124 --> 00:13:12,585
I wish you could taste
how good it feels to be a mom."
311
00:13:12,585 --> 00:13:14,837
(moaning, smacking)
312
00:13:14,837 --> 00:13:17,382
They swallow the "mama."
Mm...
313
00:13:17,382 --> 00:13:19,467
Like, I wish you would've
swallowed your husband's load
314
00:13:19,467 --> 00:13:22,678
- because this persona
that you've adopted?
- (laughter)
315
00:13:22,678 --> 00:13:23,846
It's insufferable.
316
00:13:23,846 --> 00:13:26,307
(cheering)
317
00:13:26,307 --> 00:13:28,810
I think some moms think
that if you don't have kids,
318
00:13:28,810 --> 00:13:31,104
you're a selfish person,
and I get that.
319
00:13:31,104 --> 00:13:34,399
I think it's a little selfish
of me to not want kids,
320
00:13:34,399 --> 00:13:35,483
but I'll admit it. Yeah.
321
00:13:35,483 --> 00:13:37,985
I just don't feel like
devoting my free time
322
00:13:37,985 --> 00:13:39,779
to something
that could marry a DJ.
323
00:13:39,779 --> 00:13:43,241
- I just think that's reckless.
- (laughter)
324
00:13:43,241 --> 00:13:45,535
(cheering)
325
00:13:46,994 --> 00:13:48,871
And I know that there are moms
that are like,
326
00:13:48,871 --> 00:13:51,040
"I'm just not as
self-obsessed anymore.
327
00:13:51,040 --> 00:13:52,708
It's just not about me anymore."
And I'm like,
328
00:13:52,708 --> 00:13:54,502
"Yeah, we can tell.
329
00:13:54,502 --> 00:13:57,296
"Your hair looks like you've
always rubbed a balloon on it.
330
00:13:57,296 --> 00:13:58,840
(laughter)
331
00:13:58,840 --> 00:14:00,717
"You dress like you work
in a toll booth.
332
00:14:00,717 --> 00:14:03,010
"I get it that you don't
work on you anymore,
333
00:14:03,010 --> 00:14:06,764
but you focus on your child.
That's an extension of you."
334
00:14:06,764 --> 00:14:10,685
Having a kid doesn't make you
just a selfless person suddenly.
335
00:14:10,685 --> 00:14:12,311
I don't see women
becoming moms and going,
336
00:14:12,311 --> 00:14:14,230
"I'm gonna go volunteer
in a soup kitchen.
337
00:14:14,230 --> 00:14:16,190
I'm gonna go build
a home in Honduras."
338
00:14:16,190 --> 00:14:18,025
No, you're just feeding Cheerios
339
00:14:18,025 --> 00:14:20,194
to something that
looks like you. Like that...
340
00:14:20,194 --> 00:14:22,363
(laughter)
341
00:14:22,905 --> 00:14:25,116
Thank you for doing that.
It's a noble job,
342
00:14:25,116 --> 00:14:28,077
but you're treating
a problem that you caused.
343
00:14:28,077 --> 00:14:30,872
Like this wouldn't be here
if you didn't have it.
344
00:14:30,872 --> 00:14:32,540
(cheering)
345
00:14:32,540 --> 00:14:36,252
It's hard work, but you
signed up for it, you know?
346
00:14:36,252 --> 00:14:39,005
You can't be like,
"I pick up litter!"
And it's like, yeah,
347
00:14:39,005 --> 00:14:40,715
but you threw it there.
Like, this isn't...
348
00:14:40,715 --> 00:14:43,718
- (cheering)
- (giggles)
349
00:14:45,887 --> 00:14:49,223
I don't think your kids
are trash, by the way.
That's not what I meant.
350
00:14:49,223 --> 00:14:51,350
I don't. I'm so grateful
that you have them
351
00:14:51,350 --> 00:14:53,561
because we need kids.
352
00:14:53,561 --> 00:14:56,147
We need future people to save us
353
00:14:56,147 --> 00:14:58,691
from the state
the world is in right now.
354
00:14:58,691 --> 00:15:02,487
I don't know if you've noticed,
it's kinda... it's kinda ending.
355
00:15:02,487 --> 00:15:05,990
- (laughter)
- Things are coming
to a close, and yeah.
356
00:15:05,990 --> 00:15:07,408
Maybe you didn't notice
if you had kids
357
00:15:07,408 --> 00:15:09,494
because why would you do that?
I mean...
358
00:15:09,494 --> 00:15:11,913
Your kid's gonna graduate
high school in a bunker,
359
00:15:11,913 --> 00:15:13,581
- but that's fine. I mean...
- (laughter)
360
00:15:13,581 --> 00:15:16,834
I'm sure your kid will be
just fine in the water wars,
361
00:15:16,834 --> 00:15:18,753
- I'm sure. Yeah.
- (laughter)
362
00:15:18,753 --> 00:15:21,214
Your kid,
who won't eat a turkey slice
363
00:15:21,214 --> 00:15:23,841
"Because it touched a pickle!"
364
00:15:23,841 --> 00:15:26,761
(laughter)
365
00:15:26,761 --> 00:15:28,596
He'll be fine
eating canned beans
366
00:15:28,596 --> 00:15:31,641
for decades in
a hole in the ground. He'll--
367
00:15:31,641 --> 00:15:36,437
- Finleigh with a "GH"
is gonna do just...
- (laughter)
368
00:15:36,437 --> 00:15:40,858
just fine scavenging
for drinking water
369
00:15:40,858 --> 00:15:44,612
in ammunition craters.
Whatever we have to do.
370
00:15:44,612 --> 00:15:46,197
He's gonna be great.
371
00:15:46,197 --> 00:15:48,282
No, if anyone saves us,
it's gonna be your kid.
372
00:15:48,282 --> 00:15:50,284
We need someone to save us,
373
00:15:50,284 --> 00:15:52,578
and if someone saves us,
it'll be your...
374
00:15:52,578 --> 00:15:55,832
- Well, not your kid,
no offense, but...
- (laughter)
375
00:15:55,832 --> 00:15:57,291
you paid money
to see a comedian
376
00:15:57,291 --> 00:15:58,626
who mostly talks
about her pussy,
377
00:15:58,626 --> 00:16:01,254
- so I just don't think
that your kid...
- (laughter)
378
00:16:01,254 --> 00:16:04,382
Neither would mine. (laughs)
And I will talk about my pussy.
379
00:16:04,382 --> 00:16:08,010
- I just wanna let you know.
The night is young.
- (cheering)
380
00:16:08,010 --> 00:16:10,763
My pussy is old.
You'll hear about it.
381
00:16:10,763 --> 00:16:13,558
But, yeah, Greta Thunberg's
parents aren't here tonight.
382
00:16:13,558 --> 00:16:15,268
- I'm sorry.
- (laughter)
383
00:16:15,268 --> 00:16:17,603
Our kids would not
save the world.
384
00:16:17,603 --> 00:16:19,147
You know that. I mean,
385
00:16:19,147 --> 00:16:21,899
they might bully the kid
who would save the world.
386
00:16:21,899 --> 00:16:23,276
(laughter)
387
00:16:23,276 --> 00:16:24,819
And then, that kid
won't save the world
388
00:16:24,819 --> 00:16:28,531
because our kid called them
gay on Facebook, so, I mean...
389
00:16:28,531 --> 00:16:30,324
(laughter)
390
00:16:30,324 --> 00:16:33,828
- It's okay. It's...
- (woman whoops)
391
00:16:33,828 --> 00:16:35,496
Having kids is smart, actually.
392
00:16:35,496 --> 00:16:38,374
It actually is the smart thing
to do. You're wise to do it
393
00:16:38,374 --> 00:16:40,334
because someday
you're gonna get old,
394
00:16:40,334 --> 00:16:43,379
and no one is gonna
care about you anymore.
395
00:16:43,379 --> 00:16:45,089
Alright? But,
396
00:16:45,089 --> 00:16:46,674
if you have kids,
397
00:16:46,674 --> 00:16:49,010
- someone might?
- (laughter)
398
00:16:49,010 --> 00:16:52,805
They might!
You might get lucky.
399
00:16:52,805 --> 00:16:54,223
It's gonna be your kid, right?
400
00:16:54,223 --> 00:16:57,226
Having a son or daughter
is just having a future person
401
00:16:57,226 --> 00:16:59,687
who's like, "Yeah,
I gotta go see Dad later.
402
00:16:59,687 --> 00:17:01,105
(annoyed sigh)
403
00:17:01,105 --> 00:17:02,565
"Yeah, I need to get
some more Vicodin.
404
00:17:02,565 --> 00:17:04,442
"So, yeah.
405
00:17:04,442 --> 00:17:07,403
"Gotta go check in on him
at the home.
406
00:17:07,403 --> 00:17:09,739
"Yeah, I hear he's calling
the nurses the N-word,
407
00:17:09,739 --> 00:17:12,200
-"so I gotta...
- (laughter)
408
00:17:12,200 --> 00:17:14,702
"I gotta go see that...
409
00:17:14,702 --> 00:17:16,829
Because they're white,
that's hilarious. So, uh..."
410
00:17:16,829 --> 00:17:18,498
(laughter)
411
00:17:18,498 --> 00:17:20,541
(giggles) It's true.
412
00:17:20,541 --> 00:17:22,877
Your kids will take care of you.
That's a good thing to do.
413
00:17:22,877 --> 00:17:24,796
That's insurance.
I don't have that.
414
00:17:25,380 --> 00:17:29,175
If I get old, who's gonna
care for me? You know?
415
00:17:29,175 --> 00:17:31,886
- speaker: I got you, Nikki!
- No, you don't, sir.
416
00:17:31,886 --> 00:17:35,223
(laughter)
417
00:17:35,932 --> 00:17:37,558
I don't think you do.
418
00:17:37,558 --> 00:17:40,144
(cheering)
419
00:17:40,144 --> 00:17:43,231
Famous women do have caretakers
when they get older,
420
00:17:43,231 --> 00:17:45,691
but they're gay men, okay?
That's our only hope.
421
00:17:45,691 --> 00:17:48,903
- (cheering)
- And that didn't sound
like one to me.
422
00:17:48,903 --> 00:17:51,656
(applause)
423
00:17:51,656 --> 00:17:53,574
Yeah, I do worry about that.
I'm like,
424
00:17:53,574 --> 00:17:57,036
"What if I don't have kids?
Who's gonna care for me?"
425
00:17:57,036 --> 00:17:59,914
Not my niece and nephew after
that fucking joke I just told,
426
00:17:59,914 --> 00:18:02,542
- so...
- (laughter)
427
00:18:02,542 --> 00:18:05,378
I gotta have a plan.
And I do have a plan
428
00:18:05,378 --> 00:18:07,422
because I always forget
I'm gonna kill myself.
429
00:18:07,422 --> 00:18:11,008
- I always... Duh!
- (laughter)
430
00:18:11,008 --> 00:18:14,429
- Yeah. I know, but, like...
- (applause)
431
00:18:14,429 --> 00:18:17,265
(breathy)
I've, like, always known
I was gonna kill myself.
432
00:18:17,265 --> 00:18:21,102
- (laughter)
- Like, I've just, like,
always known.
433
00:18:21,102 --> 00:18:22,437
Mm...
434
00:18:24,605 --> 00:18:26,232
(normal)
No, I'm not gonna do it
anytime soon.
435
00:18:26,232 --> 00:18:27,859
Don't worry.
I know that's grim.
436
00:18:27,859 --> 00:18:30,236
It'll be so far in the future.
437
00:18:30,236 --> 00:18:32,071
You'll hear about it,
I swear to God, and you'll go,
438
00:18:32,071 --> 00:18:34,824
-"Wait, who?" Like...
- (laughter)
439
00:18:34,824 --> 00:18:37,285
You'll go, "Oh, wait, yeah.
I think we went to go see her,
440
00:18:37,285 --> 00:18:39,454
"like, 40 years ago.
441
00:18:39,454 --> 00:18:41,330
"I think she talked about that!
Oh, my God!
442
00:18:41,330 --> 00:18:44,208
-"She did? Good for her. Ah!
- (laughter)
443
00:18:44,208 --> 00:18:46,627
"Yeah. I remember
that night in Seattle,
444
00:18:46,627 --> 00:18:48,963
when it was still above water.
That was fun."
445
00:18:48,963 --> 00:18:51,299
(laughter)
446
00:18:53,593 --> 00:18:56,304
Yeah, the thoughts of death,
I don't like to dwell on them
447
00:18:56,304 --> 00:18:59,474
for longer than, like,
10 or 15 hours a day, so...
448
00:18:59,474 --> 00:19:02,393
(laughter)
449
00:19:02,393 --> 00:19:04,145
I hope that when I get
to the end of my life,
450
00:19:04,145 --> 00:19:05,646
I'm just like,
"Oh, I have to die?
451
00:19:05,646 --> 00:19:08,483
-"Thank God. Jesus Christ.
- (laughter)
452
00:19:08,483 --> 00:19:12,195
"This has been so long.
I'm just ready for a break,
you know?
453
00:19:12,195 --> 00:19:13,988
"I just really wanna unplug...
454
00:19:13,988 --> 00:19:17,992
-"that ventilator. Please.
Just let me go.
- (laughter)
455
00:19:17,992 --> 00:19:20,161
Anyone? Anyone?"
456
00:19:20,161 --> 00:19:23,289
- I'll be alone.
I don't have kids.
- (cheering)
457
00:19:23,289 --> 00:19:25,333
But it has to happen!
458
00:19:25,333 --> 00:19:27,960
You have to die at some point,
and I don't like that.
459
00:19:28,461 --> 00:19:30,171
But that's the thing
about death. It has to happen.
460
00:19:30,171 --> 00:19:32,006
We all know it.
And I don't like
461
00:19:32,006 --> 00:19:33,674
that I just have to wait
and see, like,
462
00:19:33,674 --> 00:19:35,593
(funny voice)
"What's gonna happen?
How's it gonna--
463
00:19:35,593 --> 00:19:37,512
How am I gonna go?"
You know?
464
00:19:37,512 --> 00:19:40,264
(normal) I like to choose
my own adventure.
465
00:19:40,264 --> 00:19:43,559
I'm a DIY kind of gal, you know?
466
00:19:43,559 --> 00:19:45,978
I wanna get crafty.
I wanna go to a Michael's
467
00:19:45,978 --> 00:19:47,605
and pick out some sturdy yarn,
468
00:19:47,605 --> 00:19:51,192
- crochet a noose.
I don't know. I'm just...
- (laughter)
469
00:19:51,192 --> 00:19:53,653
Think it could be fun.
470
00:19:53,653 --> 00:19:54,779
But it sucks in America.
471
00:19:54,779 --> 00:19:57,407
You just have to die
of whatever you get, you know?
472
00:19:57,407 --> 00:19:59,700
Your dog doesn't have to.
You can put down your dog
473
00:19:59,700 --> 00:20:02,829
- if its hip kind of hurts.
- (laughter)
474
00:20:02,829 --> 00:20:03,996
They're so lucky.
475
00:20:03,996 --> 00:20:06,541
Can you imagine going to
your doctor and being like,
476
00:20:06,541 --> 00:20:10,545
"My acid reflux is just
flaring up recently, so...
477
00:20:10,545 --> 00:20:13,339
-"can we just end it?
Like, can we just...
- (laughter)
478
00:20:13,339 --> 00:20:16,467
It's been a good life.
It's time."
479
00:20:18,428 --> 00:20:19,887
It's a compassionate thing
to do for your dog.
480
00:20:19,887 --> 00:20:21,723
People are like,
"We had to put down Stripey
481
00:20:21,723 --> 00:20:25,017
"because she can't walk down
the stairs anymore,
482
00:20:25,017 --> 00:20:27,145
and that's not a life
worth living."
483
00:20:27,895 --> 00:20:31,315
But Grandma can only communicate
with her eyeballs,
484
00:20:31,315 --> 00:20:35,528
yet we just think
she's got more life to live.
485
00:20:36,070 --> 00:20:38,906
Let's keep paying
$8,000 a month
486
00:20:38,906 --> 00:20:41,743
because there's more chapters
to her story!
487
00:20:41,743 --> 00:20:45,496
- (laughter)
- There are! I mean,
just yesterday,
488
00:20:45,496 --> 00:20:48,207
she bit a nurse,
so who's to say?
489
00:20:48,750 --> 00:20:50,918
(giggles) Yeah,
I hope to be able to die
490
00:20:50,918 --> 00:20:54,505
with dignity when I want to.
Euthanasia, peacefully.
491
00:20:55,214 --> 00:20:56,382
But I don't know, man.
492
00:20:56,382 --> 00:20:58,468
I think I might have to just
blow my head off.
493
00:20:58,468 --> 00:21:00,428
I know it's rough,
but it's quick,
494
00:21:00,428 --> 00:21:02,722
and guns are easier to get
in this country than compassion,
495
00:21:02,722 --> 00:21:05,433
- so what am I supposed to do?
- (laughter)
496
00:21:05,433 --> 00:21:09,228
(applause, cheering)
497
00:21:09,228 --> 00:21:11,439
It's not fair.
498
00:21:11,773 --> 00:21:14,275
My mom hates that joke.
She goes, "Stop telling people
499
00:21:14,275 --> 00:21:15,777
"you're gonna
blow your head off.
500
00:21:15,777 --> 00:21:18,279
"No one wants to hear.
That's disgusting.
It's disturbing!
501
00:21:18,279 --> 00:21:19,906
I don't wanna think about that!"
502
00:21:19,906 --> 00:21:22,033
And I go, "You know what, Mom?
Actually, you're right.
503
00:21:22,033 --> 00:21:23,284
"That is really disturbing.
504
00:21:23,284 --> 00:21:25,536
"For you, I'll die
of esophageal cancer.
505
00:21:25,536 --> 00:21:27,538
-"Is that better for you?
- (laughter)
506
00:21:27,538 --> 00:21:29,457
"I want you there for it.
It'll look something like this.
507
00:21:29,457 --> 00:21:30,750
"I'll be in a wheelchair,
just like...
508
00:21:30,750 --> 00:21:34,629
- (gagged yelling)
- (laughter)
509
00:21:37,382 --> 00:21:40,301
"For, like, 11 minutes.
Is that cool?
510
00:21:40,301 --> 00:21:42,553
"Until I finally choke
and drown on my own saliva.
511
00:21:42,553 --> 00:21:44,263
"I'll lock eyes with you
the entire time.
512
00:21:44,263 --> 00:21:46,015
-"I think you should be there!
- (laughter)
513
00:21:46,015 --> 00:21:48,518
That's better than me
blowing my head off, right?"
514
00:21:49,143 --> 00:21:51,562
Neither are ideal, but at least
if I blow my head off,
515
00:21:51,562 --> 00:21:53,189
I could stuff my mouth
with confetti.
516
00:21:53,189 --> 00:21:56,859
- We'll do a gender reveal.
I don't know, let's just...
- (laughter)
517
00:21:56,859 --> 00:21:58,986
It could be festive!
518
00:22:00,530 --> 00:22:02,323
We'll usher one life
into the world
519
00:22:02,323 --> 00:22:04,992
as we snuff out my own.
I think it could be cool.
520
00:22:06,494 --> 00:22:07,954
Listen, I know this is taboo.
521
00:22:07,954 --> 00:22:10,456
I know suicide is a scourge
on our nation,
522
00:22:10,456 --> 00:22:13,418
and it's a subject
that's a little touchy,
523
00:22:13,418 --> 00:22:16,295
but I actually feel like I have
a right to talk about it
524
00:22:16,295 --> 00:22:18,589
because... (sighs)
525
00:22:18,589 --> 00:22:21,718
uh, I'm gonna kill myself
someday, so, like, I...
526
00:22:21,718 --> 00:22:23,469
(laughter)
527
00:22:23,469 --> 00:22:27,473
I'm a future victim of it,
so I can talk about it.
528
00:22:27,473 --> 00:22:29,058
That's what comedians
do a lot of times.
529
00:22:29,058 --> 00:22:31,811
They'll like caveat a joke
that they're scared to tell
530
00:22:31,811 --> 00:22:33,813
because they don't wanna get
canceled, so they'll be like,
531
00:22:33,813 --> 00:22:37,233
"But I can do this because
bah bah bah bah." You know?
532
00:22:37,233 --> 00:22:38,568
Like, if I were to say
right now,
533
00:22:38,568 --> 00:22:40,194
"Guys, I'm gonna do
some rape jokes,"
534
00:22:40,194 --> 00:22:43,698
- you might go, "Go back
to the suicide stuff, please."
- (laughter)
535
00:22:43,698 --> 00:22:45,408
But if I said,
"But I can do these jokes
536
00:22:45,408 --> 00:22:46,701
because I've been raped,"
537
00:22:46,701 --> 00:22:49,078
you'd go, "Oh, thank God
she was raped. Okay, good.
538
00:22:49,078 --> 00:22:52,498
- (laughter)
-"Hoo! I thought
she hadn't been raped.
539
00:22:52,498 --> 00:22:54,917
"Thank God
she was brutally raped.
540
00:22:54,917 --> 00:22:56,711
Now, I can relax.
541
00:22:56,711 --> 00:22:59,881
- I was nervous before."
- (laughter)
542
00:22:59,881 --> 00:23:01,549
That seems weird.
543
00:23:01,549 --> 00:23:03,384
But comedians are scared
of getting canceled,
544
00:23:03,384 --> 00:23:05,219
so they have
to do these caveats.
545
00:23:05,219 --> 00:23:06,721
They either say,
"It happened to me,"
546
00:23:06,721 --> 00:23:09,098
or they'll say,
"My family has this,"
547
00:23:09,098 --> 00:23:11,726
and then they throw
their relative under the bus
548
00:23:11,726 --> 00:23:14,145
just to make their joke.
You've seen this before.
549
00:23:14,145 --> 00:23:16,856
There'll be a comedian
that has a really bad take
550
00:23:16,856 --> 00:23:18,983
on trans people,
and they'll do all these jokes,
551
00:23:18,983 --> 00:23:20,777
and then they go,
"I can do these jokes, actually,
552
00:23:20,777 --> 00:23:22,612
"because I have
a trans sister... radio,
553
00:23:22,612 --> 00:23:24,655
-"and I listen to
Fox News on it.
- (laughter)
554
00:23:24,655 --> 00:23:28,034
"So I'm misinformed
and I'm an asshole,
555
00:23:28,034 --> 00:23:31,746
and I think it's weird.
I think they're weird."
556
00:23:31,746 --> 00:23:34,332
I'm like, "Can you transition
into less of a cunt?
557
00:23:34,332 --> 00:23:38,211
- Is that possible?"
- (cheering)
558
00:23:38,211 --> 00:23:40,671
(applause)
559
00:23:40,671 --> 00:23:43,132
So annoying.
It's true.
560
00:23:43,758 --> 00:23:46,427
I have jokes though that
I wanna do that I can't
561
00:23:46,427 --> 00:23:49,305
because I don't have any
family members with, uh,
562
00:23:49,305 --> 00:23:50,890
autism.
That's the jokes I have.
563
00:23:50,890 --> 00:23:54,560
I can't. I have autism jokes
because I've dated guys with it,
564
00:23:54,560 --> 00:23:56,771
and they were diagnosed
by me and TikTok,
565
00:23:56,771 --> 00:23:58,773
- so I know that they have it.
- (laughter)
566
00:23:58,773 --> 00:24:01,567
It's confirmed,
but I can't do the jokes
567
00:24:01,567 --> 00:24:04,320
because I don't have any
family members with autism.
568
00:24:04,320 --> 00:24:05,822
I will say my nephew
is two and a half,
569
00:24:05,822 --> 00:24:08,908
and he isn't talking yet,
so fingers crossed, but like...
570
00:24:08,908 --> 00:24:11,619
(laughter)
571
00:24:12,662 --> 00:24:15,915
We didn't get a diagnosis
in time for this special, so mm!
572
00:24:15,915 --> 00:24:18,543
(laughs) It's a bummer.
573
00:24:18,543 --> 00:24:20,128
I'll get canceled
at some point.
574
00:24:20,128 --> 00:24:24,090
The cancel train is coming for
old Glase-talk, for sure.
575
00:24:24,090 --> 00:24:26,551
And my nephew is gonna
love that train because...
576
00:24:26,551 --> 00:24:29,137
- But, um...
- (laughter)
577
00:24:29,137 --> 00:24:32,765
I got one in. I got one in!
578
00:24:32,765 --> 00:24:33,891
(giggles)
579
00:24:33,891 --> 00:24:36,227
No, but I really do suffer
with suicidal thoughts.
580
00:24:36,227 --> 00:24:39,689
I have depression. I get
suicidal thoughts quite often,
581
00:24:39,689 --> 00:24:41,649
and it's something
I've struggled with a long time,
582
00:24:41,649 --> 00:24:44,360
and I've felt alone
a lot of times
583
00:24:44,360 --> 00:24:45,945
with my suicidal thoughts.
But then,
584
00:24:45,945 --> 00:24:48,030
I actually talked
about it for the first time
585
00:24:48,030 --> 00:24:50,575
on the Joe Rogan podcast,
and the response I got,
586
00:24:50,575 --> 00:24:52,243
it was crazy.
587
00:24:52,243 --> 00:24:54,495
I got hundreds of DMs
telling me,
588
00:24:54,495 --> 00:24:56,998
"You should kill yourself."
And so, I was like,
589
00:24:56,998 --> 00:25:01,085
other people think it, too.
I'm not alone, you know?
590
00:25:01,878 --> 00:25:03,671
No, they're very common,
and if you get them,
591
00:25:03,671 --> 00:25:05,089
please don't listen to them.
592
00:25:05,089 --> 00:25:07,258
I know that if they ever
get too loud for me,
593
00:25:07,258 --> 00:25:09,302
I'm gonna call
the number 988.
594
00:25:09,302 --> 00:25:11,846
It's a hotline, 24 hours a day.
There's someone there
595
00:25:11,846 --> 00:25:14,682
- who will listen to you...
kill yourself.
- (cheering)
596
00:25:14,682 --> 00:25:16,476
(laughter, applause)
597
00:25:16,476 --> 00:25:19,729
No. Call 988.
You have to call it.
598
00:25:19,729 --> 00:25:21,272
Please, please, please do.
599
00:25:21,272 --> 00:25:23,274
It's just like 911,
but it's 988.
600
00:25:23,274 --> 00:25:25,068
Please remember it, 988.
601
00:25:25,068 --> 00:25:26,527
Don't call 911.
602
00:25:26,527 --> 00:25:28,863
For some reason,
they had to create a new number.
603
00:25:28,863 --> 00:25:30,740
I guess people
were calling 911, like,
604
00:25:30,740 --> 00:25:32,533
"I think I'm gonna kill myself,"
and they're like,
605
00:25:32,533 --> 00:25:35,244
"Call us when you do,"
and just hang up. I...
606
00:25:35,244 --> 00:25:38,372
- (laughter)
- Okay.
607
00:25:40,500 --> 00:25:42,668
It's really hard to get
out of depression.
608
00:25:42,668 --> 00:25:44,003
Sometimes, the best way to do it
609
00:25:44,003 --> 00:25:47,382
is just to get out of
your own head and to give back,
610
00:25:47,382 --> 00:25:49,634
and I actually decided tonight
to donate the proceeds
611
00:25:49,634 --> 00:25:52,261
from this show directly
to this natural disaster
612
00:25:52,261 --> 00:25:56,349
I've been following. There is
a landslide currently happening
613
00:25:56,349 --> 00:25:59,060
on my face. It's my skin
614
00:25:59,060 --> 00:26:01,062
slipping off my skull,
615
00:26:01,062 --> 00:26:03,481
like hot cheese
off a slice of pizza
616
00:26:03,481 --> 00:26:05,441
that you pulled out too fast.
617
00:26:05,441 --> 00:26:06,859
- It's alarming.
- (applause)
618
00:26:07,402 --> 00:26:10,154
- Is anyone else aging?
Jesus Christ.
- speaker: Yeah!
619
00:26:10,154 --> 00:26:12,073
Yeah. Oh, I can tell.
620
00:26:12,073 --> 00:26:15,410
- (laughter)
- It's-- No, I can't see you.
621
00:26:15,410 --> 00:26:18,079
Gravity is such a cunt, dude,
I can't...
622
00:26:18,079 --> 00:26:19,163
(laughter)
623
00:26:19,163 --> 00:26:21,707
What I want, I'm gonna use
the money from tonight,
624
00:26:21,707 --> 00:26:25,336
I'm gonna get a brow lift.
Like, I just want this.
625
00:26:25,336 --> 00:26:27,797
I know I want this because
every time I'm stressed out,
626
00:26:27,797 --> 00:26:29,757
and I'm like, "Oh, God!
I have so much to do,"
627
00:26:29,757 --> 00:26:31,509
I'm like,
"Oh, my God, snatch."
628
00:26:31,509 --> 00:26:33,594
- (laughter)
- I'll look in the mirror, like,
629
00:26:33,594 --> 00:26:36,013
"Okay! What?
630
00:26:36,013 --> 00:26:38,933
I've never felt worse,
but I've never looked better."
631
00:26:38,933 --> 00:26:41,394
- (laughter)
- I like love bad news now.
632
00:26:41,394 --> 00:26:44,814
When I hear about
a mass shooting,
I'm like, "No! Again?"
633
00:26:44,814 --> 00:26:47,275
And then I'm like,
"Wait, am I on 'Selling Sunset'?
634
00:26:47,275 --> 00:26:49,944
-"What's happening?
Tell me how many casualties.
- (laughter)
635
00:26:49,944 --> 00:26:53,072
- 47? Oh, Chrishell!"
- (cheering)
636
00:26:53,990 --> 00:26:55,032
(giggles)
637
00:26:55,658 --> 00:26:56,951
(sighs)
There's a shooting every day,
638
00:26:56,951 --> 00:27:00,246
so it's been really good
for my skin. Um...
639
00:27:00,913 --> 00:27:02,123
People don't want you
to get face work.
640
00:27:02,123 --> 00:27:03,458
My boyfriend's like,
"Don't do it.
641
00:27:03,458 --> 00:27:05,376
Don't do anything to your
perfect face. Do your tits."
642
00:27:05,376 --> 00:27:08,880
- And I go, "What?
What did you..."
- (laughter)
643
00:27:10,965 --> 00:27:13,259
I'll get to these. I don't need
to get to 'em any time soon.
644
00:27:13,259 --> 00:27:15,678
I mean, they're definitely
falling, but, like,
645
00:27:15,678 --> 00:27:18,014
this is kinda in right now,
you know?
646
00:27:18,014 --> 00:27:20,266
Fashion-wise,
under-boob is so in.
647
00:27:20,266 --> 00:27:24,187
Side-boob, so cool,
and that is all I have.
648
00:27:24,187 --> 00:27:25,813
(laughter, cheering)
649
00:27:25,813 --> 00:27:27,982
I got so much under-boob,
so much side-boob.
650
00:27:27,982 --> 00:27:31,277
- I got no top-boob, none.
- (cheering)
651
00:27:31,277 --> 00:27:34,655
I haven't had top-boob
since Whitney Houston died.
I mean, that was...
652
00:27:34,655 --> 00:27:35,990
(scattered groans)
653
00:27:35,990 --> 00:27:38,868
It was seriously around
that time! Now, it's just...
654
00:27:38,868 --> 00:27:40,244
I mean,
it's kinda changed my life.
655
00:27:40,244 --> 00:27:42,955
- Titty fucking is better.
- (laughter)
656
00:27:42,955 --> 00:27:46,292
My boyfriend just puts
his penis next to my rib,
657
00:27:46,292 --> 00:27:50,171
and I flop over my tit
like a weighted blanket,
658
00:27:50,171 --> 00:27:52,423
and then I just
move from side to side.
659
00:27:52,423 --> 00:27:54,509
- I just go like this.
- (cheering)
660
00:27:54,509 --> 00:27:57,845
He stands next to the bed.
I kneel,
661
00:27:57,845 --> 00:27:59,847
and I just, I do this.
I'm like a cactus.
662
00:27:59,847 --> 00:28:02,141
One of those cactuses
with sunglasses that's like,
663
00:28:02,141 --> 00:28:04,352
(humming) It's so easy!
664
00:28:04,352 --> 00:28:06,604
I used to have to smush it
and be like, "Wah!"
665
00:28:06,604 --> 00:28:09,524
- But now, it's just (humming).
- (laughter)
666
00:28:09,524 --> 00:28:10,942
It's great for older women.
667
00:28:10,942 --> 00:28:12,985
That's definitely what they
were doing in the fantasy suite
668
00:28:12,985 --> 00:28:15,696
on "The Golden Bachelor."
That is absolutely...
669
00:28:15,696 --> 00:28:18,699
They were just doing
the funky cactus all night long.
670
00:28:18,699 --> 00:28:21,035
(laughter)
671
00:28:22,787 --> 00:28:24,747
But yeah, aging blows.
672
00:28:24,747 --> 00:28:28,751
And if you're younger than me,
girls in your 20s...
673
00:28:28,751 --> 00:28:31,838
- and 30s... (laughs) Fuck.
- (laughter)
674
00:28:31,838 --> 00:28:34,382
I forgot how old I am.
I'm in my late 30s, okay?
675
00:28:34,382 --> 00:28:36,551
I'm in my latest 30, and so...
676
00:28:36,551 --> 00:28:37,885
(laughter)
677
00:28:37,885 --> 00:28:39,887
Holdin' on. But yeah.
678
00:28:39,887 --> 00:28:42,390
You will age.
Everyone, all girls in your 20s,
679
00:28:42,390 --> 00:28:44,183
you will age.
I know you think you won't.
680
00:28:44,767 --> 00:28:47,353
I used to be like you.
You'd look at women
like me or older,
681
00:28:47,353 --> 00:28:49,147
and you just kind of go like,
"That's so sad.
682
00:28:49,147 --> 00:28:53,067
"What's happening to her neck?
Like, that's such a bummer.
683
00:28:53,776 --> 00:28:55,695
"That's not gonna happen to me.
I don't know.
684
00:28:55,695 --> 00:28:58,239
"I just don't wanna age.
I just don't feel like it.
685
00:28:58,239 --> 00:29:00,366
"I know my mom
and grandmother did,
686
00:29:00,366 --> 00:29:03,828
but our generation's different.
Like I wanna travel. You know?"
687
00:29:03,828 --> 00:29:05,830
- (laughter)
- It's like, "What?
688
00:29:05,830 --> 00:29:07,832
No, you're gonna age. You
will."
689
00:29:07,832 --> 00:29:10,251
This area, this... (laughs)
690
00:29:10,251 --> 00:29:13,546
- I know you see this,
and you go, "Oh, no."
- (laughter)
691
00:29:13,546 --> 00:29:15,798
But that's your future, man.
Your neck is also gonna look
692
00:29:15,798 --> 00:29:18,051
like an old tarp
next to your dad's shed.
693
00:29:18,051 --> 00:29:21,429
- (laughter)
- This is all falling down.
694
00:29:21,429 --> 00:29:23,598
It will!
Please keep vaping.
695
00:29:23,598 --> 00:29:24,891
(laughter)
696
00:29:24,891 --> 00:29:27,935
Please, please keep vaping.
697
00:29:29,312 --> 00:29:32,440
Everything goes.
This buttress falls.
698
00:29:32,440 --> 00:29:35,443
Your eyelids. I actually sent
a picture of my eyelids
699
00:29:35,443 --> 00:29:38,988
- for the inspiration
for this backdrop. That was...
- (laughter)
700
00:29:38,988 --> 00:29:42,241
- That's my upper eyelid.
- (applause)
701
00:29:42,241 --> 00:29:44,702
That's my left labia.
702
00:29:44,702 --> 00:29:47,789
(laughter)
703
00:29:47,789 --> 00:29:48,998
I f-- (laughs)
704
00:29:48,998 --> 00:29:52,168
My pussy is falling as well.
It's all falling.
705
00:29:52,168 --> 00:29:54,295
You don't even think about it.
You don't think about that part.
706
00:29:54,295 --> 00:29:56,631
You're so obsessed
with your face because
you see it all the time,
707
00:29:56,631 --> 00:29:59,592
but I saw my vagina
the other day.
708
00:29:59,592 --> 00:30:01,594
We ran into each other
in the bathtub.
709
00:30:01,594 --> 00:30:05,306
- (laughter)
- And I try not to see
that thing too often.
710
00:30:05,306 --> 00:30:07,225
I don't like seeing it.
It bums me out.
711
00:30:07,225 --> 00:30:10,895
It's like reading the news.
I'm depressed for a couple days,
712
00:30:10,895 --> 00:30:12,855
can't shake it.
713
00:30:12,855 --> 00:30:14,774
I try to see my pussy
as often as, uh,
714
00:30:14,774 --> 00:30:17,652
as my dentist sees it,
so that's...
715
00:30:17,652 --> 00:30:19,362
- (laughter)
- Yeah.
716
00:30:19,362 --> 00:30:21,531
I'm just so worried
it's gonna grow teeth.
717
00:30:21,531 --> 00:30:24,200
It's a weird fear of mine.
718
00:30:24,200 --> 00:30:25,910
He checks, he goes,
"There's no teeth."
719
00:30:25,910 --> 00:30:27,870
And I go,
"Just wanted you to check."
720
00:30:27,870 --> 00:30:29,330
He's like,
"All I see is one big cavity,"
721
00:30:29,330 --> 00:30:33,042
- and I go, "Okay. Ha, ha, ha."
- (laughter)
722
00:30:33,793 --> 00:30:36,504
He's like, "I can fill it
for you," and I go, "Enough!"
723
00:30:36,504 --> 00:30:38,089
(laughter)
724
00:30:38,673 --> 00:30:40,967
I gotta make an effort
to see my vagina more often.
725
00:30:40,967 --> 00:30:43,302
I gotta (laughs) put an alarm
on my phone.
726
00:30:43,302 --> 00:30:45,430
Because if you wait too long,
it changes too much,
727
00:30:45,430 --> 00:30:46,848
and it's jarring.
728
00:30:46,848 --> 00:30:48,975
It's like seeing a nephew
you only see, like,
729
00:30:48,975 --> 00:30:50,810
once a year at Christmas.
You're like,
730
00:30:50,810 --> 00:30:52,645
"you've grown so much.
Oh, my God!
731
00:30:52,645 --> 00:30:56,816
-"Now you have a mustache?
What? Oh, what's happening?
- (laughter)
732
00:30:56,816 --> 00:30:58,526
Time flies."
733
00:30:58,526 --> 00:31:00,862
Yeah, I saw my vagina
just a few weeks ago.
734
00:31:00,862 --> 00:31:03,448
I was on the road.
I was in Milwaukee.
735
00:31:03,448 --> 00:31:07,201
I decided to take a bath
in this DoubleTree tub.
736
00:31:07,201 --> 00:31:09,912
I had no bubbles,
which bubbles, y--
737
00:31:09,912 --> 00:31:11,372
If you take a bath, bubbles--
738
00:31:11,372 --> 00:31:14,250
that's why old women
use bubbles in bathtubs.
739
00:31:14,250 --> 00:31:16,127
- (laughter)
- It hides the truth.
740
00:31:16,127 --> 00:31:18,713
It's just, you don't wanna
see that shit.
741
00:31:18,713 --> 00:31:20,006
But I had no bubbles.
742
00:31:20,006 --> 00:31:22,050
It's just this stark
DoubleTree bathroom,
743
00:31:22,050 --> 00:31:23,342
autopsy lighting.
744
00:31:23,342 --> 00:31:25,386
I'm in a tub that someone's
definitely shit in
745
00:31:25,386 --> 00:31:26,596
in the past two weeks.
746
00:31:26,596 --> 00:31:27,889
(laughter)
747
00:31:27,889 --> 00:31:30,558
I think that's the DoubleTree
promise, you know?
748
00:31:31,225 --> 00:31:33,269
You get two warm cookies
upon check-in,
749
00:31:33,269 --> 00:31:36,898
and someone's definitely shit in
your tub in the past two weeks.
750
00:31:36,898 --> 00:31:39,108
We guarantee it.
751
00:31:39,108 --> 00:31:41,319
But I'm in this tub,
and I turn off the water,
752
00:31:41,319 --> 00:31:43,905
and then the water just gets
a little too still,
753
00:31:43,905 --> 00:31:45,948
and I just caught its eye.
I'm like...
754
00:31:45,948 --> 00:31:47,742
- (laughter)
- I just, "Oh, my God."
755
00:31:47,742 --> 00:31:51,287
And then, I'm face-to-face
with it, and I'm looking at it,
756
00:31:51,287 --> 00:31:53,081
and that face
757
00:31:53,081 --> 00:31:56,709
is Mitch McConnell's.
I mean, it is a dead ringer.
758
00:31:56,709 --> 00:31:58,836
(cheering)
759
00:31:58,836 --> 00:32:00,963
It was befuddled, jowly.
760
00:32:00,963 --> 00:32:04,926
It was like (burbling).
761
00:32:04,926 --> 00:32:06,386
I was like,
"Oh, my God, he's drowning!"
762
00:32:06,386 --> 00:32:09,222
I got him out. I dried him off.
I go, "What is it, boy?"
763
00:32:09,222 --> 00:32:10,431
(burbling)
764
00:32:10,431 --> 00:32:12,225
I was like, "Take that string
out of your mouth."
765
00:32:12,225 --> 00:32:14,477
- So, I pulled it out, and...
- (laughter)
766
00:32:14,477 --> 00:32:16,646
I'm like, "Now,
you're bleeding!" But, no.
767
00:32:17,814 --> 00:32:18,856
It sucks.
768
00:32:19,732 --> 00:32:23,694
It's what it looks like.
It's happening. It's dropping.
769
00:32:23,694 --> 00:32:25,363
My pussy's dropping...
770
00:32:25,863 --> 00:32:27,532
outta high school.
It's, uh,
771
00:32:27,532 --> 00:32:30,451
it's hanging with the wrong
crowd. My ankles. But...
772
00:32:30,451 --> 00:32:33,121
(laughter)
773
00:32:33,830 --> 00:32:35,164
I just miss my old vagina.
774
00:32:35,164 --> 00:32:37,625
I used to have a wet ass pussy.
775
00:32:37,625 --> 00:32:38,793
(cheering)
776
00:32:38,793 --> 00:32:40,712
I did. Now that song, I hear it,
777
00:32:40,712 --> 00:32:44,298
- I get nostalgic.
I get like misty-eyed.
- (laughter)
778
00:32:44,298 --> 00:32:46,050
Tear up. It's like (laughs)--
779
00:32:46,050 --> 00:32:47,885
It's like listening
to Cat Stevens.
780
00:32:47,885 --> 00:32:50,430
(laughter)
781
00:32:50,430 --> 00:32:53,057
"I remember."
Yeah, I don't have a wet ass--
782
00:32:53,057 --> 00:32:56,185
I don't have a WAP anymore.
I have...
783
00:32:56,185 --> 00:32:58,187
I have a dry, irritable crotch.
784
00:32:58,187 --> 00:32:59,939
- I have a...
- (laughter)
785
00:32:59,939 --> 00:33:02,316
I have a dick is what I have.
I have a--
786
00:33:02,316 --> 00:33:04,485
- (cheering)
- I have a dick. Any--
787
00:33:04,485 --> 00:33:06,821
Where are my chicks
with dicks at?
788
00:33:06,821 --> 00:33:09,532
- (laughter)
- 35-plus.
789
00:33:10,575 --> 00:33:11,701
It's just, it's...
790
00:33:12,160 --> 00:33:14,787
I miss my 20s, man.
I was wet all the time.
791
00:33:15,371 --> 00:33:18,124
I just, I didn't know
what I had when I had it.
792
00:33:18,541 --> 00:33:21,461
I was like annoyed by it.
You're wet your whole 20s.
793
00:33:21,461 --> 00:33:23,796
I mean, I worked at SeaWorld,
so that was part of it,
794
00:33:23,796 --> 00:33:26,257
- but God. (giggles)
- (cheering)
795
00:33:26,257 --> 00:33:29,635
- Animal cruelty just
turns me on so much, but.
- (laughter)
796
00:33:30,261 --> 00:33:33,014
No. Your 20s, you're wet all
the time. You're annoyed by it.
797
00:33:33,014 --> 00:33:34,474
You're just constantly
walking around
798
00:33:34,474 --> 00:33:36,476
with a little dollop
of hair gel in your panties.
799
00:33:36,476 --> 00:33:39,604
- So, it's like,
"Ugh, that's gross."
- (laughter)
800
00:33:39,604 --> 00:33:41,981
You forget about it.
You go to the bathroom,
801
00:33:41,981 --> 00:33:44,567
you're just like kinda
having a mundane pee.
802
00:33:44,567 --> 00:33:47,153
Then you go to wipe, and you
forget how slick you are.
803
00:33:47,153 --> 00:33:49,363
You hit a patch,
you hydroplane. You're like,
804
00:33:49,363 --> 00:33:52,658
-"Ah, Jesus Christ! Ow..."
- (laughter)
805
00:33:52,658 --> 00:33:55,328
You hit your hand on
the stall door. You're like,
806
00:33:55,328 --> 00:33:58,456
"Who did this to me?
What the fuck?
807
00:33:59,499 --> 00:34:01,542
"Who do I need to leave
my boyfriend for?
808
00:34:01,542 --> 00:34:05,546
- My Jesus Christ.
Sloppy, sloppy."
- (laughter)
809
00:34:06,798 --> 00:34:10,551
I rarely like get that (blows)
like that gush anymore.
810
00:34:10,551 --> 00:34:14,013
Sometimes, it happens.
I remember whenever it does
811
00:34:14,013 --> 00:34:15,932
because it's just
my last moments
812
00:34:15,932 --> 00:34:17,892
of like (sputtering)
try to make a kid,
813
00:34:17,892 --> 00:34:19,394
fertility.
814
00:34:19,394 --> 00:34:22,105
Feels like God's just doing this
with a ketchup bottle,
815
00:34:22,105 --> 00:34:24,273
- (blowing) like
the last remnants.
- (laughter)
816
00:34:24,273 --> 00:34:25,817
"Come on, we got it."
817
00:34:25,817 --> 00:34:28,319
- (applause)
- (giggles)
818
00:34:29,737 --> 00:34:32,240
But, girls, just enjoy your
fuckability while you have it
819
00:34:32,240 --> 00:34:35,993
because it's gonna go away,
and mine is fading.
820
00:34:35,993 --> 00:34:39,288
I know that. I got into
an Uber the other day,
821
00:34:39,288 --> 00:34:42,291
and I rolled up
with a bunch of suitcases,
822
00:34:42,291 --> 00:34:44,419
and the Uber driver
just popped the trunk
823
00:34:44,419 --> 00:34:47,714
- and sat in the front seat.
- (laughter)
824
00:34:48,673 --> 00:34:52,009
Great. I was like, is this
the first sign of menopause?
825
00:34:52,009 --> 00:34:56,639
What's happening right now?
Why isn't this man helping me?
826
00:34:56,639 --> 00:34:58,266
Because it's great
when you're fuckable.
827
00:34:58,266 --> 00:34:59,517
Men wanna help you
all the time.
828
00:34:59,517 --> 00:35:00,810
They do such nice
things for you.
829
00:35:00,810 --> 00:35:03,271
They get their bags for you.
They open doors for you.
830
00:35:03,271 --> 00:35:05,606
They pay for your college
tuition. Thanks, Dad.
831
00:35:05,606 --> 00:35:09,193
- (laughter)
- I don't wanna question
why he did it. (giggles)
832
00:35:10,528 --> 00:35:12,029
But I'm a rangy broad, man.
833
00:35:12,029 --> 00:35:13,781
Like, I know what it's like
to be fuckable,
834
00:35:13,781 --> 00:35:16,367
and I know what it's like
to not be fuckable.
835
00:35:16,367 --> 00:35:18,703
I do. I straddle both worlds.
I really do.
836
00:35:18,703 --> 00:35:21,581
With enough hair and makeup
and good lighting,
837
00:35:21,581 --> 00:35:24,250
I can resemble Kristen Bell.
I really can.
838
00:35:24,250 --> 00:35:26,002
- (laughter)
- But I swear--
Don't laugh at that.
839
00:35:26,002 --> 00:35:27,462
Jesus Christ.
That wasn't a joke.
840
00:35:27,462 --> 00:35:29,881
- (laughter)
- You were supposed to go,
"Yeah, I see it.
841
00:35:29,881 --> 00:35:31,132
Yeah, she does."
842
00:35:31,132 --> 00:35:32,675
You're supposed to be
dead quiet for that part.
843
00:35:32,675 --> 00:35:36,179
- What the fuck
was that? (giggles)
- (laughter)
844
00:35:36,179 --> 00:35:37,805
No, I can! If I have
enough hair and makeup,
845
00:35:37,805 --> 00:35:39,724
some people have been like,
"You look like Kristen Bell."
846
00:35:39,724 --> 00:35:42,393
And I'm like, "Thank you!"
But I know that every morning,
847
00:35:42,393 --> 00:35:46,272
- my boyfriend wakes up
to Dax Shepard. I mean...
- (laughter)
848
00:35:46,272 --> 00:35:48,357
That's my range.
849
00:35:48,357 --> 00:35:50,026
That's what
I look like without makeup.
850
00:35:50,026 --> 00:35:51,444
Makeup makes you
look like a woman.
851
00:35:51,444 --> 00:35:54,155
Otherwise, you look like a man,
you know?
852
00:35:54,155 --> 00:35:55,615
It's true. I'll prove it.
853
00:35:55,615 --> 00:35:57,408
If I asked you
to draw a smiley face,
854
00:35:57,408 --> 00:35:59,827
and I was like,
"Now, make it a girl."
855
00:35:59,827 --> 00:36:01,162
You wouldn't just, like,
856
00:36:01,162 --> 00:36:02,580
scribble like
a pussy underneath.
857
00:36:02,580 --> 00:36:04,999
- Like, who even knows
how to draw that?
- (laughter)
858
00:36:05,625 --> 00:36:07,668
You wouldn't make it
holding less money.
859
00:36:07,668 --> 00:36:10,922
- (laughter)
- You would just...
draw eyelashes on it.
860
00:36:10,922 --> 00:36:13,049
You'd put makeup on it.
861
00:36:13,049 --> 00:36:15,426
That's what
differentiates us.
862
00:36:15,426 --> 00:36:18,346
So, without makeup,
I look, I look way different.
863
00:36:18,346 --> 00:36:20,348
I never get recognized ever!
864
00:36:20,348 --> 00:36:21,724
You know, because
people see me on TV,
865
00:36:21,724 --> 00:36:23,267
and I don't look the same
without makeup.
866
00:36:23,267 --> 00:36:24,560
The other day,
I was actually recognized
867
00:36:24,560 --> 00:36:26,938
without makeup,
and I got offended.
868
00:36:26,938 --> 00:36:28,773
- (laughter)
- I did!
869
00:36:28,773 --> 00:36:31,484
He asked for my autograph.
I was like, "Fuck you.
870
00:36:31,484 --> 00:36:33,569
You think Nikki Glaser
looks like this?"
871
00:36:33,569 --> 00:36:35,196
- (laughter)
- And he was like,
"Oh, no. Sorry.
872
00:36:35,196 --> 00:36:36,531
I thought you were
Dog the Bounty Hunter."
873
00:36:36,531 --> 00:36:38,116
And I go, "Oh, wait.
Well, come back here, son.
874
00:36:38,116 --> 00:36:40,993
(scratchy)
I'll sign that hub cap for you.
You get on back here."
875
00:36:40,993 --> 00:36:44,956
(normal)
I don't wanna disappoint
a Dog the Bounty Hunter fan.
876
00:36:44,956 --> 00:36:46,582
(laughter)
877
00:36:46,582 --> 00:36:49,419
Yeah, I'm a rangy broad, man.
878
00:36:49,419 --> 00:36:50,837
But I can look pretty hot.
879
00:36:50,837 --> 00:36:53,047
I was accidentally hot
at a Trader Joe's recently.
880
00:36:53,047 --> 00:36:54,132
(laughter)
881
00:36:54,132 --> 00:36:55,425
I didn't mean to be.
882
00:36:55,425 --> 00:36:56,676
I was coming home
from a photo shoot,
883
00:36:56,676 --> 00:36:58,052
and I stopped
at a grocery store,
884
00:36:58,052 --> 00:36:59,721
and I was lookin' good,
885
00:36:59,721 --> 00:37:01,723
and I was gettin' flirted
with by the cashier,
886
00:37:01,723 --> 00:37:05,977
and then he cleared my order
and was like, "Get outta here."
887
00:37:05,977 --> 00:37:08,688
I was like, "What?"
He was like,
"It's on the house."
888
00:37:08,688 --> 00:37:09,939
And I was like...
889
00:37:10,523 --> 00:37:13,109
-"Is your dad Joe? Like is...
- (laughter)
890
00:37:13,109 --> 00:37:16,904
- Can you authorize this?"
- (applause)
891
00:37:17,447 --> 00:37:19,282
I was like, "Don't you have
to ring a bell or some shit?
892
00:37:19,282 --> 00:37:21,033
- What's going on?"
- (laughter)
893
00:37:21,033 --> 00:37:22,368
He was like,
"Go, get outta here."
894
00:37:22,368 --> 00:37:24,245
I was like, "Thank you!"
He was like, "Stay beautiful."
895
00:37:24,245 --> 00:37:25,872
And I was like, "Alright."
896
00:37:25,872 --> 00:37:29,417
- Was that a threat?
What the fuck was that?
- (laughter)
897
00:37:29,417 --> 00:37:30,960
What happens if I don't?
898
00:37:31,919 --> 00:37:34,213
Because I can't stay beautiful.
I have to go back here.
899
00:37:34,213 --> 00:37:35,715
This is my neighborhood
Trader Joe's!
900
00:37:35,715 --> 00:37:37,759
I had to go back the next day.
I was wearing no makeup.
901
00:37:37,759 --> 00:37:39,886
I was scared to see the guy,
but he was there,
902
00:37:39,886 --> 00:37:42,764
and he had me arrested
for shoplifting the day before.
903
00:37:42,764 --> 00:37:46,934
- (laughter)
- He was like, "I told you
to stay beautiful."
904
00:37:46,934 --> 00:37:50,938
It's like, "Go back to ALDI."
I was (crying) "Okay."
905
00:37:53,441 --> 00:37:56,152
No. It's so funny to get upset
about aging as a woman
906
00:37:56,152 --> 00:38:00,364
because at some point,
you do have to age completely,
you know?
907
00:38:00,364 --> 00:38:02,325
And you wanna age completely.
908
00:38:02,325 --> 00:38:04,869
Someday, I hope to age
to the point of unfuckability.
909
00:38:04,869 --> 00:38:07,205
You know why?
Because I don't want anyone
910
00:38:07,205 --> 00:38:09,082
trying to fuck me when I'm 95.
911
00:38:09,082 --> 00:38:11,125
I don't have the bone density
912
00:38:11,125 --> 00:38:13,544
- or the muscle mass
to fight you off.
- (laughter)
913
00:38:13,544 --> 00:38:17,507
It's a survival tool
that I be revolting to you.
914
00:38:17,507 --> 00:38:19,842
There's not-- there shouldn't be
hot 95-year-olds.
915
00:38:19,842 --> 00:38:22,804
Hot 95 is a radio station,
not a person, okay?
916
00:38:22,804 --> 00:38:26,599
- (laughter)
- So, you should be so gross
at some point.
917
00:38:26,599 --> 00:38:29,602
That means that someday,
I'm gonna be 0% fuckable.
918
00:38:29,602 --> 00:38:32,313
That means I'm a dying battery
of hotness, okay?
919
00:38:32,313 --> 00:38:34,524
And I can plug myself into
little portable chargers
920
00:38:34,524 --> 00:38:37,110
here and there but eventually,
it's gonna go completely,
921
00:38:37,110 --> 00:38:38,986
and what a great day
that will be.
922
00:38:38,986 --> 00:38:40,363
But until then, I'm fighting it.
923
00:38:40,363 --> 00:38:42,281
And that's the paradox
of being a woman.
924
00:38:42,281 --> 00:38:44,158
You're trying to stay
beautiful for so long.
925
00:38:44,158 --> 00:38:45,493
You try to stay fuckable,
926
00:38:45,493 --> 00:38:46,953
but at some point
you just have to let go.
927
00:38:46,953 --> 00:38:49,372
And that day is usually the day
that you cut your hair
928
00:38:49,372 --> 00:38:51,541
above your ear lobes.
I think that's the day you go,
929
00:38:51,541 --> 00:38:53,251
-"Bye-bye, fuckability.
- (laughter)
930
00:38:53,251 --> 00:38:56,504
"I don't care anymore if men
wanna stick their dick in me.
931
00:38:56,504 --> 00:38:59,090
It's exhausting, and I'm tired."
932
00:39:00,299 --> 00:39:02,176
I love that day.
Fuck yeah.
933
00:39:02,176 --> 00:39:04,512
I love older women
with funky haircuts.
934
00:39:04,512 --> 00:39:06,514
They commit to getting
attention in other ways.
935
00:39:06,514 --> 00:39:08,850
No one wants to fuck them,
but they get chunky earrings.
936
00:39:08,850 --> 00:39:10,601
They're like,
"This is my personality.
937
00:39:10,601 --> 00:39:12,019
"This one's a bumblebee!
938
00:39:12,019 --> 00:39:13,521
"And this is a watermelon slice,
939
00:39:13,521 --> 00:39:15,982
"and I have fun, crazy glasses!
940
00:39:15,982 --> 00:39:19,235
And here's a big flowery broach
on my saggy tit."
941
00:39:19,235 --> 00:39:20,445
And they're like, "Look here!
942
00:39:20,445 --> 00:39:22,321
"And here! There's life!
Because down there,
943
00:39:22,321 --> 00:39:24,699
"nothing. So up here...
944
00:39:24,699 --> 00:39:27,201
"I'm not fuckable,
but you could pollinate me.
945
00:39:27,201 --> 00:39:30,496
Like let's... let's go."
946
00:39:31,497 --> 00:39:33,291
But I don't think
I'll be able to give in
947
00:39:33,291 --> 00:39:35,209
as soon as most people can.
948
00:39:35,209 --> 00:39:36,544
It's gotta be nice
to just give up,
949
00:39:36,544 --> 00:39:40,006
but I, I work in Hollywood,
so I gotta hold on.
950
00:39:40,006 --> 00:39:43,051
Hollywood's not very kind
to older women.
951
00:39:43,051 --> 00:39:44,719
You know, sex sells.
952
00:39:44,719 --> 00:39:47,847
- If you're saggin',
they're gaggin'.
- (laughter)
953
00:39:47,847 --> 00:39:51,768
That's what my agent texts me
every day, and I go, "I know."
954
00:39:51,768 --> 00:39:54,395
I do everything I can
to stay young-looking.
955
00:39:54,395 --> 00:39:56,689
I really do. I do Botox.
I do filler.
956
00:39:56,689 --> 00:39:58,066
Sometimes, I do too much filler,
957
00:39:58,066 --> 00:39:59,692
and I look like the guy
from the "Saw" movies
958
00:39:59,692 --> 00:40:03,446
- who gives the challenges.
- (laughter)
959
00:40:03,446 --> 00:40:06,282
I do lasers and micro-needling,
960
00:40:06,282 --> 00:40:08,242
and those things are
so harsh on your skin.
961
00:40:08,242 --> 00:40:10,870
I recently got micro-needled,
and I couldn't leave the house
962
00:40:10,870 --> 00:40:12,705
for three days
because if I did,
963
00:40:12,705 --> 00:40:14,624
it looked like I got mouthy
in a car ride with Chris Brown.
964
00:40:14,624 --> 00:40:17,377
- (groaning, laughter)
- It looked like I was trying
to give him directions
965
00:40:17,377 --> 00:40:19,045
where he knew
where he was going.
966
00:40:19,295 --> 00:40:21,547
Are you groaning?
(giggles)
967
00:40:21,547 --> 00:40:22,924
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry
968
00:40:22,924 --> 00:40:25,218
to offend any Chris Brown fans.
I mean...
969
00:40:25,218 --> 00:40:27,303
(laughter)
970
00:40:27,303 --> 00:40:30,431
I mean, I look like Chris Brown
971
00:40:30,431 --> 00:40:32,266
loves me very, very much
972
00:40:32,266 --> 00:40:35,228
and just wants
what's best for me.
973
00:40:35,228 --> 00:40:37,021
(scattered applause)
974
00:40:37,021 --> 00:40:41,025
But yeah, I gotta, I gotta
stay hot in Hollywood.
975
00:40:41,275 --> 00:40:43,986
If you're not textbook hot,
you gotta work so hard.
976
00:40:43,986 --> 00:40:47,365
You gotta be like the most
talented ever, you know?
977
00:40:47,365 --> 00:40:49,409
Remember Susan Boyle?
Remember?
978
00:40:49,409 --> 00:40:51,953
Remember that video?
You should watch it again.
979
00:40:51,953 --> 00:40:53,579
It didn't age well,
much like her.
980
00:40:53,579 --> 00:40:56,541
It didn't, it didn't--
doesn't hold up.
981
00:40:56,541 --> 00:40:59,460
This woman walks out on stage,
if you don't remember,
982
00:40:59,460 --> 00:41:01,629
and she has the audacity
983
00:41:01,629 --> 00:41:03,881
to go on a talent competition
984
00:41:03,881 --> 00:41:06,342
- at the age of 47.
- (laughter)
985
00:41:06,342 --> 00:41:08,428
She's just an old woman
on a talent show,
986
00:41:08,428 --> 00:41:10,847
and the audience
can't fucking handle it.
987
00:41:10,847 --> 00:41:12,849
They're freaking out,
just like, "What is this?"
988
00:41:12,849 --> 00:41:15,143
They're jeering, they're booing,
they're hissing.
989
00:41:15,143 --> 00:41:18,020
They're puking
in the aisles, like (gagging).
990
00:41:18,020 --> 00:41:19,397
(laughter)
991
00:41:19,397 --> 00:41:21,524
They're like,
"Go back to your shoe!"
992
00:41:21,524 --> 00:41:24,652
- (laughter)
- They're just horrified by her.
993
00:41:24,652 --> 00:41:26,487
Like, "What is her talent?
Feeding pigeons?
994
00:41:26,487 --> 00:41:30,616
It's disgusting.
She can't even talk."
995
00:41:30,616 --> 00:41:33,286
They're so mad. And then,
she finally gets to sing, right?
996
00:41:33,286 --> 00:41:36,873
Simon Cowell just crosses
his arms over his fucking tits,
997
00:41:36,873 --> 00:41:40,293
- and he's just like,
"Alright, what do you got?"
- (laughter)
998
00:41:40,293 --> 00:41:41,711
And she of course sings,
and it's like...
999
00:41:41,711 --> 00:41:44,464
♪ I dreamed a dream
of time gone by ♪
1000
00:41:44,464 --> 00:41:46,883
- And it's like...
- (cheering)
1001
00:41:46,883 --> 00:41:49,385
"Oh, my God.
1002
00:41:49,385 --> 00:41:53,014
-"She should live. Like, we...
- (laughter)
1003
00:41:53,014 --> 00:41:54,891
"should keep her.
Let's not stone her to death.
1004
00:41:54,891 --> 00:41:57,810
"That was gonna be fun,
doing a public stoning.
1005
00:41:58,644 --> 00:42:00,605
"But she has value now.
Before, she didn't.
1006
00:42:00,605 --> 00:42:03,024
"But maybe I can tolerate
her disgusting head
1007
00:42:03,024 --> 00:42:06,444
- now that her voice
sounds so good."
- (laughter)
1008
00:42:06,444 --> 00:42:08,112
What the fuck, you know?
1009
00:42:08,112 --> 00:42:12,325
But it's, it's hard to
not be conventionally hot.
1010
00:42:12,325 --> 00:42:13,659
It just is.
It's a harder life,
1011
00:42:13,659 --> 00:42:15,620
and that's why it makes sense
to try to stay hot.
1012
00:42:15,620 --> 00:42:17,663
It's not a vapid pursuit.
1013
00:42:17,663 --> 00:42:18,956
You know, if you're not
conventionally hot,
1014
00:42:18,956 --> 00:42:20,374
you gotta work harder.
I mean, look,
1015
00:42:20,374 --> 00:42:23,669
- look at short men,
if you can find 'em.
- (laughter)
1016
00:42:23,669 --> 00:42:26,381
The closest one may be
in front of you.
1017
00:42:27,006 --> 00:42:29,258
I have a short boyfriend,
so I know, you know?
1018
00:42:29,258 --> 00:42:32,136
I had to go short
because I wanted a hot guy.
1019
00:42:32,136 --> 00:42:33,554
I wanted a good face.
1020
00:42:33,554 --> 00:42:36,224
So if you want a good face,
you gotta go, you gotta
take some hits.
1021
00:42:36,224 --> 00:42:38,726
- (laughter)
- That's my, that's my secret.
1022
00:42:38,726 --> 00:42:41,396
If you want a 10 in the face,
you gotta go 5'7" in the height.
1023
00:42:41,396 --> 00:42:43,731
That's just the way it goes.
1024
00:42:43,731 --> 00:42:46,901
I could never get my boyfriend's
face on a taller model.
1025
00:42:46,901 --> 00:42:50,238
There's no way.
But I got him on discount.
1026
00:42:50,238 --> 00:42:53,157
- He's marked down.
You know, he's a defect.
- (laughter)
1027
00:42:53,157 --> 00:42:55,034
We met at TJ Maxx.
1028
00:42:55,034 --> 00:42:56,702
(applause)
1029
00:42:56,702 --> 00:42:58,079
He's really good-looking.
Sometimes,
1030
00:42:58,079 --> 00:42:59,705
I post a picture of us,
and girls are like,
1031
00:42:59,705 --> 00:43:02,417
"Good job, girl. How'd you
get that?" I'm like,
1032
00:43:02,417 --> 00:43:04,752
"If you zoomed out, you'd see
he's sitting on my lap."
1033
00:43:04,752 --> 00:43:06,921
So, this is a tiny man.
1034
00:43:06,921 --> 00:43:08,840
(laughter)
1035
00:43:08,840 --> 00:43:11,509
I had to go digging in
the bargain bin for this one,
1036
00:43:11,509 --> 00:43:13,386
went deep.
1037
00:43:13,386 --> 00:43:15,930
But I love short guys. I like
to stand up for you because--
1038
00:43:15,930 --> 00:43:18,558
I mean, I sit down for you
when I'm talking in conversation
1039
00:43:18,558 --> 00:43:20,435
to make you more comfortable,
1040
00:43:20,435 --> 00:43:22,103
but I stand up
for you figuratively
1041
00:43:22,103 --> 00:43:26,107
because I don't, um,
I like how people
are mean to you.
1042
00:43:26,107 --> 00:43:28,901
And you're usually cooler
than tall guys
1043
00:43:28,901 --> 00:43:31,404
because you have to be
because no one respects you.
1044
00:43:31,404 --> 00:43:33,614
- You know, like-- (laughs)
- (laughter)
1045
00:43:33,614 --> 00:43:35,908
I'm sorry. You know this!
1046
00:43:35,908 --> 00:43:38,035
My boyfriend,
he's told me about it.
1047
00:43:38,035 --> 00:43:41,581
When he grew up...
When he reached adulthood,
1048
00:43:41,581 --> 00:43:44,459
(laughter)
1049
00:43:44,459 --> 00:43:45,793
(giggles) He--
1050
00:43:45,793 --> 00:43:47,587
He looked around,
and he was like,
1051
00:43:47,587 --> 00:43:49,505
"Oh, fuck.
No one here respects me.
1052
00:43:49,505 --> 00:43:51,466
"I gotta learn a magic trick
or something
1053
00:43:51,466 --> 00:43:52,842
to get people to like me."
1054
00:43:52,842 --> 00:43:54,552
So, he adapted.
He's funny.
1055
00:43:54,552 --> 00:43:56,721
He's cool.
And short men love magic.
1056
00:43:56,721 --> 00:43:58,097
- I think--
- (laughter)
1057
00:43:58,097 --> 00:44:00,767
They like it because it's showy,
and people go, "Oh!"
1058
00:44:00,767 --> 00:44:02,852
They get attention. It's
another way to get attention.
1059
00:44:02,852 --> 00:44:06,481
And I also think that they see
a man saw a woman in half,
1060
00:44:06,481 --> 00:44:08,775
and they're like, "Oh, that's
how I'll be taller than a woman.
1061
00:44:08,775 --> 00:44:11,444
- Okay, that's what I aspire to."
- (laughter)
1062
00:44:12,070 --> 00:44:15,573
He's great though. We've been
together 10 years off and on.
1063
00:44:15,573 --> 00:44:17,867
And, yeah, but we're
actually getting to the point
where we're like,
1064
00:44:17,867 --> 00:44:19,243
"We're gonna take it
to the next level
1065
00:44:19,243 --> 00:44:21,329
and break up forever
because I think it's time."
1066
00:44:21,329 --> 00:44:24,665
- (laughter)
- No. He's...
1067
00:44:24,665 --> 00:44:26,918
He's, uh... he's, he's--
1068
00:44:26,918 --> 00:44:29,003
I know from breaking up
with him a lot,
1069
00:44:29,003 --> 00:44:31,422
and we date other people
and come back together,
1070
00:44:31,422 --> 00:44:32,799
I look at him and I go,
1071
00:44:32,799 --> 00:44:35,093
"He's the best I can do."
1072
00:44:35,093 --> 00:44:38,429
- You know,
like I just know that.
- (laughter)
1073
00:44:38,429 --> 00:44:39,847
I'm gonna settle someday.
1074
00:44:39,847 --> 00:44:42,350
- I mean settle down.
Did I say settle?
- (laughter)
1075
00:44:42,350 --> 00:44:44,811
It is settling, isn't it?
When you get married,
1076
00:44:44,811 --> 00:44:47,188
you just go,
"Yeah, this is good enough."
Like..,
1077
00:44:47,188 --> 00:44:48,856
We all like to
convince ourselves,
1078
00:44:48,856 --> 00:44:51,567
"No, this is my soulmate!"
(giggles)
1079
00:44:51,567 --> 00:44:53,611
- No, it's not.
- (laughter)
1080
00:44:53,611 --> 00:44:55,488
It's not your soulmate, sorry.
1081
00:44:55,488 --> 00:44:58,366
That's just a guy that was on
Bumble at the same time as you
1082
00:44:58,366 --> 00:45:02,036
that reminded you of your dad
in the perfect little way.
1083
00:45:02,829 --> 00:45:05,540
Everyone likes to go,
"He's my soulmate."
1084
00:45:05,540 --> 00:45:06,874
You're not that lucky!
1085
00:45:07,417 --> 00:45:09,711
Out of eight billion people
on the planet,
he's not your soulmate.
1086
00:45:09,711 --> 00:45:11,838
Your soulmate, statistically,
is in China.
1087
00:45:11,838 --> 00:45:16,008
- (laughter)
- That's where your soulmate is,
and that's where they'll die.
1088
00:45:16,008 --> 00:45:19,470
The closest you'll get is maybe
your soulmate touched your phone
1089
00:45:19,470 --> 00:45:21,180
on an assembly line,
1090
00:45:21,180 --> 00:45:24,726
but that's the closest where
your stars will ever cross.
1091
00:45:24,726 --> 00:45:27,311
Maybe he stitched
your mom's blouse
1092
00:45:27,311 --> 00:45:29,313
- when he was in third grade.
- (laughter)
1093
00:45:30,940 --> 00:45:32,817
Do they call it grades
if they don't go to school?
1094
00:45:32,817 --> 00:45:35,069
- I don't know. But...
- (groaning)
1095
00:45:35,069 --> 00:45:37,905
Child labor is-- (laughs)
Sorry, it's not funny.
1096
00:45:37,905 --> 00:45:39,824
I mean, you guys laughed,
so I guess it is,
1097
00:45:39,824 --> 00:45:42,452
but I thought
it wasn't until now.
1098
00:45:42,452 --> 00:45:46,497
No, it's awful. It's, um...
What are you gonna do though?
1099
00:45:46,497 --> 00:45:49,375
Like, it's--
Not buy an $8 dress?
1100
00:45:49,375 --> 00:45:53,546
- (laughter)
- Like I don't know
what I'm supposed to do.
1101
00:45:53,546 --> 00:45:55,089
I love fast fashion.
I can't stop.
1102
00:45:55,089 --> 00:45:58,593
I like the sizing. I just bought
a dress from Fashion Nova,
1103
00:45:58,593 --> 00:45:59,886
which I shouldn't do it,
1104
00:45:59,886 --> 00:46:01,929
but, man.
I'm usually a size six dress,
1105
00:46:01,929 --> 00:46:04,557
but I check the tag, and now
I'm a "help me" in Korean,
1106
00:46:04,557 --> 00:46:08,519
- and I think
that's like really tiny.
- (laughter)
1107
00:46:08,519 --> 00:46:10,980
It makes me feel little, so...
1108
00:46:12,607 --> 00:46:15,193
I don't know about marriage
though. I don't think...
1109
00:46:15,193 --> 00:46:17,361
I don't know
if monogamy is for me.
1110
00:46:17,361 --> 00:46:20,239
- (cheering, applause)
- I question it. I do.
1111
00:46:20,239 --> 00:46:22,658
And the only reason I think
that is I look at the porn
1112
00:46:22,658 --> 00:46:26,162
that I watch, and I'm like,
"This is not a marriage.
You know?
1113
00:46:26,162 --> 00:46:27,830
(laughter)
1114
00:46:27,830 --> 00:46:31,793
My dad's not gonna
pay for this." Right?
1115
00:46:31,793 --> 00:46:35,505
I'm not watching marital sex
when I jerk off.
1116
00:46:36,297 --> 00:46:39,675
I'm not cumming to a committed
couple having lazy side sex
1117
00:46:39,675 --> 00:46:41,219
because they ate
too much cheese.
1118
00:46:41,219 --> 00:46:43,346
- This isn't what gets me off.
- (laughter)
1119
00:46:43,346 --> 00:46:46,057
- It isn't!
- (applause)
1120
00:46:48,142 --> 00:46:49,310
I...
1121
00:46:49,310 --> 00:46:52,730
I like gangbangs,
if I'm being honest.
1122
00:46:52,730 --> 00:46:55,149
I like gangbangs.
1123
00:46:55,149 --> 00:46:58,277
- (cheering)
- I watch them. They're amazing.
1124
00:46:58,277 --> 00:47:00,822
They're rough though.
Boy, are they rough.
1125
00:47:01,531 --> 00:47:04,450
The ones I watch, some of them,
I go, "Jesus Christ."
1126
00:47:04,450 --> 00:47:07,620
I know it's bad
because they have nine views.
1127
00:47:07,620 --> 00:47:09,580
I'm like, "Oh boy,
this isn't good."
1128
00:47:09,580 --> 00:47:12,792
(laughter)
1129
00:47:12,792 --> 00:47:15,253
Every video I watch has
a bucket in the corner
1130
00:47:15,253 --> 00:47:17,046
that has no less
than three uses.
1131
00:47:17,046 --> 00:47:20,967
None of them good.
I mean, this is depraved stuff.
1132
00:47:21,759 --> 00:47:24,011
I feel bad.
I feel bad after I watch it!
1133
00:47:24,011 --> 00:47:26,222
My soul is like, "Ugh,"
you know?
1134
00:47:26,222 --> 00:47:28,433
But my soul and my clit
are not on the same page,
1135
00:47:28,433 --> 00:47:30,935
so those two need to get
a coffee or something.
1136
00:47:30,935 --> 00:47:32,478
Have a little chat.
1137
00:47:32,854 --> 00:47:34,772
(sighs) My boyfriend
does know about
1138
00:47:34,772 --> 00:47:36,983
my gangbang
proclivity because...
1139
00:47:36,983 --> 00:47:40,194
he's here tonight,
so he just found out.
1140
00:47:40,194 --> 00:47:42,739
- (cheering)
- Surprise!
1141
00:47:42,739 --> 00:47:45,408
It's just a joke! (fake laugh)
1142
00:47:45,408 --> 00:47:47,702
(laughter)
1143
00:47:47,702 --> 00:47:50,663
It's not a joke. I want it.
1144
00:47:50,663 --> 00:47:52,665
It's hard to tell your boyfriend
that you want a gangbang.
1145
00:47:52,665 --> 00:47:56,002
It's like, what do you do?
I gave him hints, little nudges.
1146
00:47:56,002 --> 00:47:57,670
I sent him an email
with a link that said,
1147
00:47:57,670 --> 00:48:00,631
-"DO THIS," in all caps.
I mean, just...
- (laughter)
1148
00:48:01,632 --> 00:48:03,217
You know. (giggles)
1149
00:48:03,217 --> 00:48:05,136
He goes, "Do this?"
And I go, "Yeah, do this."
1150
00:48:05,136 --> 00:48:07,346
He's like, "What does that
even mean? What do you mean?"
1151
00:48:07,346 --> 00:48:10,349
And I go, "I don't know.
Didn't you just join
a pickleball league?
1152
00:48:10,349 --> 00:48:13,394
"Like make some friends!
See who can keep a secret.
1153
00:48:14,896 --> 00:48:17,482
"You're gonna have to venture
out of the pickleball court
1154
00:48:17,482 --> 00:48:19,358
"to find the Black guys
we need for this gangbang
1155
00:48:19,358 --> 00:48:22,445
"because I will be
honest with you,
1156
00:48:22,445 --> 00:48:26,157
affirmative action
is very important to me."
1157
00:48:26,157 --> 00:48:28,785
They're firm
I want some action. But...
1158
00:48:28,785 --> 00:48:32,288
- (laughter)
- My boyfriend knows all of this,
and he wasn't threatened.
1159
00:48:32,288 --> 00:48:34,207
It was actually not surprising
1160
00:48:34,207 --> 00:48:35,917
because he doesn't get
threatened by this stuff.
1161
00:48:35,917 --> 00:48:37,835
Not like my friend's
boyfriends and husbands.
1162
00:48:37,835 --> 00:48:41,672
My one friend, she had to hide
her vibrator from her husband
1163
00:48:41,672 --> 00:48:45,760
- because he kept using it,
and I think that's so sad.
- (laughter)
1164
00:48:45,760 --> 00:48:48,179
Get your own, but...
1165
00:48:48,179 --> 00:48:51,099
No, she had to hide it because
he was insecure about it,
1166
00:48:51,099 --> 00:48:54,268
which I get. I get being jealous
and insecure of something
1167
00:48:54,268 --> 00:48:58,231
that's so much better than you.
Like I get that. It is!
1168
00:48:58,231 --> 00:49:00,441
It is. It vibrates! Right?
1169
00:49:00,441 --> 00:49:02,944
But don't worry.
We don't compare you to it.
1170
00:49:02,944 --> 00:49:04,612
It's better than you, but--
1171
00:49:04,612 --> 00:49:06,531
I've never looked at my
boyfriend's dick and been like,
1172
00:49:06,531 --> 00:49:08,699
"But it's not green.
Like, I hate this.
1173
00:49:08,699 --> 00:49:10,993
- (laughter)
-"I'm going.
1174
00:49:10,993 --> 00:49:13,121
"Doesn't vibrate
at 90 pulses a second.
1175
00:49:13,121 --> 00:49:15,915
-"I hate it!
- (laughter)
1176
00:49:15,915 --> 00:49:18,960
Where's the charging cable
I'm gonna lose?"
1177
00:49:18,960 --> 00:49:20,920
Like, it's different.
It's a dick.
1178
00:49:20,920 --> 00:49:23,589
Do you compare us to your hand?
1179
00:49:24,048 --> 00:49:26,384
- No. I-I hope not.
- (laughter)
1180
00:49:26,384 --> 00:49:30,054
I don't have that kind
of grip down there.
1181
00:49:30,054 --> 00:49:31,848
My pussy can't open
a jar of pickles.
1182
00:49:31,848 --> 00:49:33,808
I don't have
those kind of Kegels
1183
00:49:33,808 --> 00:49:35,977
to get in some Claussen's.
1184
00:49:35,977 --> 00:49:37,395
(laughter)
1185
00:49:37,395 --> 00:49:39,313
I hope you're never fucking us,
just like,
1186
00:49:39,313 --> 00:49:42,400
"Oh, there's no calluses.
This sucks.
1187
00:49:42,400 --> 00:49:43,443
(laughter)
1188
00:49:43,443 --> 00:49:46,237
I miss my class ring."
Like, what?
1189
00:49:49,532 --> 00:49:51,409
It's different!
1190
00:49:52,910 --> 00:49:55,163
My boyfriend,
he snapped into action
1191
00:49:55,163 --> 00:49:57,039
when he found out about
the gangbang thing, man.
1192
00:49:57,039 --> 00:49:58,791
We were fooling around one time,
he blindfolded me,
1193
00:49:58,791 --> 00:50:02,045
and he's like, "I've invited
some guys over to gangbang you.
1194
00:50:02,045 --> 00:50:03,629
"They're waiting in the hallway.
They're lined up.
1195
00:50:03,629 --> 00:50:06,215
They're gonna come in
one by one and fuck you."
1196
00:50:06,215 --> 00:50:08,843
I was like, "That's a train.
Okay, like that's different."
1197
00:50:08,843 --> 00:50:11,054
(laughter)
1198
00:50:11,054 --> 00:50:13,931
A train is one by one.
It's cute. It's adorable.
1199
00:50:13,931 --> 00:50:16,642
It's great. A train is folksy.
1200
00:50:16,642 --> 00:50:18,644
- You know?
- (laughter)
1201
00:50:18,644 --> 00:50:21,522
It's not nothin',
but, you know, it's quaint.
1202
00:50:21,522 --> 00:50:24,525
A gangbang is
an Amtrak derailment.
1203
00:50:24,525 --> 00:50:28,488
- (laughter)
- I mean, a gangbang is
FEMA gets called in.
1204
00:50:29,655 --> 00:50:32,492
A gangbang will ruin
a town forever, you know?
1205
00:50:33,076 --> 00:50:34,952
But I was like, "We can do
a train. All aboard.
1206
00:50:34,952 --> 00:50:37,413
- Let's go. Choo-choo."
- (laughter)
1207
00:50:37,413 --> 00:50:39,665
No, I was--
At first, I was horrified.
1208
00:50:39,665 --> 00:50:42,668
I go, "What? You did what!?
There's-- Who's here?"
1209
00:50:42,668 --> 00:50:45,505
'Cause it was at my apartment,
and the parking situation there
1210
00:50:45,505 --> 00:50:48,466
- is a nightmare.
I have to give them passes.
- (laughter)
1211
00:50:48,466 --> 00:50:49,926
I have to bring them up.
I was like,
1212
00:50:49,926 --> 00:50:51,302
"The door guy's gonna be
so mad at me."
1213
00:50:51,302 --> 00:50:52,470
He was like,
"The door guy's here."
1214
00:50:52,470 --> 00:50:55,556
- I was like, "Okay, well...
- (laughter)
1215
00:50:57,642 --> 00:50:59,227
"That's one Black guy down.
Alright,
1216
00:50:59,227 --> 00:51:02,271
- so someone
was taking notes."
- (laughter)
1217
00:51:03,564 --> 00:51:06,818
No, he goes, "It's make-believe.
Don't-- Just calm down."
1218
00:51:06,818 --> 00:51:09,737
I go, "Okay, now I can do this.
It's just a role-play thing,
1219
00:51:09,737 --> 00:51:11,239
but what's gonna happen here?"
1220
00:51:11,239 --> 00:51:13,324
So then, he proceeds
to bring in each guy.
1221
00:51:13,324 --> 00:51:15,118
He announces them,
and then the guy comes in,
1222
00:51:15,118 --> 00:51:17,412
and then he does a voice
for each guy.
1223
00:51:17,412 --> 00:51:19,414
(laughter)
1224
00:51:19,414 --> 00:51:20,706
So smart, right?
1225
00:51:20,706 --> 00:51:22,458
I'm blindfolded,
so they all sound different.
1226
00:51:22,458 --> 00:51:24,877
He's kinda good at voices.
He really is.
1227
00:51:24,877 --> 00:51:26,129
It like kinda took me out of it.
1228
00:51:26,129 --> 00:51:28,047
I mean, his Cosby was
a little disconcerting,
1229
00:51:28,047 --> 00:51:31,259
- but that one, I just...
- (laughter)
1230
00:51:33,261 --> 00:51:34,929
I always fall asleep during it.
1231
00:51:34,929 --> 00:51:36,347
- I mean, he gets...
- (laughter)
1232
00:51:36,347 --> 00:51:38,224
He gets method about it.
1233
00:51:38,766 --> 00:51:41,185
I wake up, and there's
pudding on my face.
1234
00:51:41,185 --> 00:51:43,271
- I'm like, "Oh, God.
- (laughter)
1235
00:51:43,271 --> 00:51:45,898
Classic Cos." (laughs)
1236
00:51:48,317 --> 00:51:50,903
No, it's so brilliant.
A different voice for each guy.
1237
00:51:50,903 --> 00:51:52,280
A different toy
for each guy, too,
1238
00:51:52,280 --> 00:51:54,323
so it really feels like
someone different.
1239
00:51:54,323 --> 00:51:56,701
At first, he was using
his own dick for each guy,
1240
00:51:56,701 --> 00:51:58,703
and I was like,
that worked when I was, like,
1241
00:51:58,703 --> 00:52:01,122
you know, imagining
his brothers, but like--
(laughs)
1242
00:52:01,122 --> 00:52:03,124
(laughter)
1243
00:52:03,124 --> 00:52:05,835
When he was playing
his brothers, it was fine,
1244
00:52:05,835 --> 00:52:10,089
but after a while, I was like,
every guy has your dick? Like...
1245
00:52:10,089 --> 00:52:12,050
I don't see color,
but I can feel it.
1246
00:52:12,050 --> 00:52:14,052
So, I'm just saying if...
1247
00:52:14,052 --> 00:52:17,597
(laughter, applause)
1248
00:52:17,597 --> 00:52:19,891
(giggles)
1249
00:52:19,891 --> 00:52:21,893
He added a really fun element
to it though because he goes,
1250
00:52:21,893 --> 00:52:23,686
"Okay, they're gonna come in
one by one to fuck you,
1251
00:52:23,686 --> 00:52:25,521
but you can't fuck them."
And I'm like, what?
1252
00:52:25,521 --> 00:52:27,106
He's like, "They're all
gonna try, but you can't."
1253
00:52:27,106 --> 00:52:29,484
I'm like, what is this? He goes,
"You need to be a good girl."
1254
00:52:29,484 --> 00:52:31,736
- And I'm like,
"Okay. Well, I can't...
- (laughter)
1255
00:52:32,403 --> 00:52:34,280
"I'm already finished
if you just wanna call it
1256
00:52:34,280 --> 00:52:36,657
"on this whole thing
because that was enough for me.
1257
00:52:36,657 --> 00:52:39,327
I will be a good girl.
Okay, I won't fuck them."
1258
00:52:39,327 --> 00:52:40,495
So then, they each come in,
1259
00:52:40,495 --> 00:52:41,829
and, of course,
they try to fuck me.
1260
00:52:41,829 --> 00:52:43,539
And they're like, "Come on,
I'm gonna fuck you."
1261
00:52:43,539 --> 00:52:45,333
And I go, "I can't.
I told my boyfriend I wouldn't.
1262
00:52:45,333 --> 00:52:47,126
He's nice enough to even
let me do this. I can't."
1263
00:52:47,126 --> 00:52:48,669
And they're like,
"No, I'm gonna fuck you."
1264
00:52:48,669 --> 00:52:50,922
And I go, "No... 'kay."
1265
00:52:50,922 --> 00:52:52,882
And then
I cheat on my boyfriend
1266
00:52:52,882 --> 00:52:55,510
with my boyfriend!
It's amazing!
1267
00:52:55,510 --> 00:52:58,179
And then that guy leaves, and
then my boyfriend comes back in,
1268
00:52:58,179 --> 00:52:59,847
and he's like, "You didn't fuck
that guy, did you?"
1269
00:52:59,847 --> 00:53:02,183
And I'm like, "I would never
betray you in that way.
1270
00:53:02,183 --> 00:53:06,020
- (laughter)
- Like, I love you so much.
I would never do that."
1271
00:53:06,020 --> 00:53:08,356
So, I am lying to my boyfriend
1272
00:53:08,356 --> 00:53:09,982
about cheating on my boyfriend
with my boyfriend.
1273
00:53:09,982 --> 00:53:11,818
Like I'm lying, I'm cheating,
I'm doing all the things
1274
00:53:11,818 --> 00:53:14,695
I've ever wanted to do
in a monogamous relationship.
1275
00:53:14,695 --> 00:53:16,697
I'm planning his murder
with one of these guys.
1276
00:53:16,697 --> 00:53:19,742
- I'm like, "I think I could
get married if I--
- (laughter)
1277
00:53:20,618 --> 00:53:23,371
if he could keep this up.
This is amazing."
1278
00:53:23,371 --> 00:53:25,289
But I got a little too greedy,
I wanna say.
1279
00:53:25,289 --> 00:53:27,208
Like I was excited
about this whole thing,
1280
00:53:27,208 --> 00:53:29,293
and we were watching
TV one night,
1281
00:53:29,293 --> 00:53:32,380
and I got a crush
on one of the guys on the show,
1282
00:53:32,380 --> 00:53:34,257
some Italian guy.
1283
00:53:34,257 --> 00:53:35,842
And my boyfriend's
sitting next to me.
1284
00:53:35,842 --> 00:53:37,760
He's like eating Thai food
in his pajamas.
1285
00:53:37,760 --> 00:53:39,554
He was not in the mood
for me to be like,
1286
00:53:39,554 --> 00:53:42,390
"Hey, maybe you
should invite Mario
1287
00:53:42,390 --> 00:53:45,226
- to one of our GB seshes."
- (laughter)
1288
00:53:45,226 --> 00:53:47,228
And he was like,
"Are we still casting?
1289
00:53:47,228 --> 00:53:49,605
- I didn't know."
- (laughter)
1290
00:53:49,605 --> 00:53:52,692
I, uh, I forgot about it
for a while after that.
1291
00:53:52,692 --> 00:53:55,319
But then, he remembered.
It was so awesome.
1292
00:53:55,319 --> 00:53:57,822
We were doing the thing,
and then at the very end,
1293
00:53:57,822 --> 00:54:00,908
it was the last guy,
and he goes, "And finally...
1294
00:54:00,908 --> 00:54:03,286
- Mario."
- (cheering)
1295
00:54:03,286 --> 00:54:04,871
He sounded like
he was introducing
1296
00:54:04,871 --> 00:54:06,122
the musical guest on "SNL."
1297
00:54:06,122 --> 00:54:08,541
He was like,
"And finally... Mario."
1298
00:54:08,541 --> 00:54:09,917
I was like, "Thank you, babe!"
1299
00:54:09,917 --> 00:54:11,586
It was one of those moments
where I was like,
1300
00:54:11,586 --> 00:54:13,463
"He remembered!
Like, he went to Jared!"
1301
00:54:13,463 --> 00:54:16,090
- Like it was like
my version of that.
- (laughter)
1302
00:54:16,090 --> 00:54:19,886
"He went to Jared and Mario
and Keith and Larry." You know.
1303
00:54:20,970 --> 00:54:23,389
I was so excited.
He goes, "Here comes Mario."
1304
00:54:23,389 --> 00:54:25,641
I was like, "Thank you!"
He was like, "You're welcome."
1305
00:54:25,641 --> 00:54:27,101
And then Mario comes in,
he's like,
1306
00:54:27,101 --> 00:54:28,436
(Super Mario voice)
"It's-a me, Mario!"
1307
00:54:28,436 --> 00:54:31,522
- (normal) And I go,
"No! What? No!
- (laughter)
1308
00:54:31,522 --> 00:54:34,817
- Not that one!"
- (applause)
1309
00:54:38,613 --> 00:54:40,531
He's like, "That's what you get
for making suggestions."
1310
00:54:40,531 --> 00:54:42,408
I was like,
"No... (crying)
1311
00:54:42,408 --> 00:54:45,036
- (laughter)
- No."
1312
00:54:45,036 --> 00:54:48,289
And Mario laid some pipe.
I gotta say, wasn't that bad.
1313
00:54:48,289 --> 00:54:49,791
(laughter)
1314
00:54:49,791 --> 00:54:51,459
Luigi was there, too.
I could hear him.
1315
00:54:51,459 --> 00:54:53,795
He was in the corner,
jerking off like a cuck.
1316
00:54:53,795 --> 00:54:55,046
(laughter)
1317
00:54:55,046 --> 00:54:57,215
Heard his overalls
clanking around.
1318
00:54:57,215 --> 00:54:59,550
(laughter)
1319
00:54:59,550 --> 00:55:00,843
Because of this fantasy,
1320
00:55:00,843 --> 00:55:02,762
I don't think I'd need
to have a gangbang now.
1321
00:55:02,762 --> 00:55:04,847
Now, I'm like, maybe it's
just enough to watch them.
1322
00:55:04,847 --> 00:55:08,059
And I do love watching them,
and I'll never stop.
1323
00:55:08,059 --> 00:55:10,061
They're so impressive, dude.
1324
00:55:10,061 --> 00:55:13,272
If you don't know, like--
(sighs) Let me just show you.
1325
00:55:13,272 --> 00:55:16,359
- Can I get some volunteers? No.
- (laughter)
1326
00:55:16,359 --> 00:55:19,278
The woman is
usually like on her back,
1327
00:55:19,278 --> 00:55:22,615
like a stranded turtle.
She's just kinda like (groans)
you know.
1328
00:55:22,615 --> 00:55:24,700
And there are two or three
1329
00:55:24,700 --> 00:55:27,578
or four dicks down
there sometimes.
1330
00:55:27,578 --> 00:55:29,205
I don't like three or four.
1331
00:55:29,205 --> 00:55:30,706
I like two, one in each hole.
1332
00:55:30,706 --> 00:55:32,667
That's perfect.
That's all we need.
1333
00:55:32,667 --> 00:55:35,169
I don't like one. I don't like
when a girl's like, "No anal."
1334
00:55:35,169 --> 00:55:36,838
I'm like,
what is this, Kid Bops?
1335
00:55:36,838 --> 00:55:38,423
Like I'm not watching this shit
with my niece.
1336
00:55:38,423 --> 00:55:40,508
- (laughter)
- Fill her up.
1337
00:55:40,508 --> 00:55:42,677
It's so nuts, dude.
1338
00:55:42,677 --> 00:55:44,554
Really, I watch these,
and I just go,
1339
00:55:44,554 --> 00:55:47,432
"Thank you for your service."
I mean, these women,
1340
00:55:47,432 --> 00:55:49,350
they work their asses off.
I mean, some of them,
1341
00:55:49,350 --> 00:55:51,436
their assholes
literally fall off.
1342
00:55:51,436 --> 00:55:53,771
- (laughter)
- It is so impressive.
1343
00:55:53,771 --> 00:55:55,606
And that's why I think
I really like them though.
1344
00:55:55,606 --> 00:55:58,192
It's just because these women
are so impressive. They're--
1345
00:55:58,860 --> 00:56:01,696
They're almost relatable
in what they're doing, you know?
1346
00:56:01,696 --> 00:56:03,406
They're doing
so much all at once,
1347
00:56:03,406 --> 00:56:05,908
it's like a masterclass
in multitasking.
1348
00:56:05,908 --> 00:56:08,703
- (laughter)
- I really relate to them,
you know?
1349
00:56:08,703 --> 00:56:12,039
Because there's this girl,
she's juggling it all.
1350
00:56:12,039 --> 00:56:13,541
She's making it look easy.
1351
00:56:13,541 --> 00:56:15,293
She's like, "I got this,"
you know?
1352
00:56:15,293 --> 00:56:17,879
It's, it's,
it's a lot like life.
1353
00:56:17,879 --> 00:56:20,465
I look at it and I go,
that's my life, kind of.
1354
00:56:20,465 --> 00:56:23,426
Every day,
life is just trying to fuck you
1355
00:56:23,426 --> 00:56:25,344
from so many different angles.
1356
00:56:25,344 --> 00:56:28,097
- (laughter)
- You know what I mean?
1357
00:56:28,097 --> 00:56:30,391
Life is a gangbang, really.
1358
00:56:30,391 --> 00:56:32,393
It's like you gotta
find a career,
1359
00:56:32,393 --> 00:56:33,811
and then you gotta
raise a family,
1360
00:56:33,811 --> 00:56:35,980
and you gotta
practice self-care,
1361
00:56:35,980 --> 00:56:38,733
and you have to realize none of
it's making you happy.
1362
00:56:38,733 --> 00:56:41,778
- (cheering)
- And you all go to therapy!
1363
00:56:41,778 --> 00:56:42,904
That'll help!
1364
00:56:42,904 --> 00:56:45,073
Then you learn
it's your mom's fault.
1365
00:56:45,073 --> 00:56:47,241
- Then you go to more therapy.
- (applause)
1366
00:56:47,241 --> 00:56:49,827
Then you realize
it's your dad's fault!
1367
00:56:49,827 --> 00:56:52,580
And then, you're like,
"Oh, I'll try ayahuasca!"
1368
00:56:52,580 --> 00:56:55,249
And then you puke
your molestations into a bucket!
1369
00:56:55,249 --> 00:56:56,375
(gagging)
1370
00:56:56,876 --> 00:56:59,587
And then, you fucking--
You can just keep smiling.
1371
00:56:59,587 --> 00:57:01,631
You know, change positions.
Okay, good.
1372
00:57:01,631 --> 00:57:04,634
- Everything's fine.
- (laughter)
1373
00:57:04,634 --> 00:57:07,303
You gotta get a skincare routine
and you gotta hydrate!
1374
00:57:07,303 --> 00:57:09,263
You gotta exfoliate!
Gua sha!
1375
00:57:09,263 --> 00:57:10,598
Realize nothing you do
1376
00:57:10,598 --> 00:57:12,683
will ever make you
look like a Korean teen!
1377
00:57:12,683 --> 00:57:15,603
- (laughter)
- Don't forget
to get your REAL ID!
1378
00:57:15,603 --> 00:57:17,563
- (laughter)
- (moaning)
1379
00:57:17,563 --> 00:57:19,065
Oh, God! Oh, God!
1380
00:57:19,065 --> 00:57:21,609
(orgasmic gasping)
1381
00:57:21,609 --> 00:57:23,319
And then, you get bangs!
1382
00:57:23,319 --> 00:57:25,321
Then, you post about
your bangs on Instagram,
1383
00:57:25,321 --> 00:57:28,783
and you only get one fire emoji,
and it's from your hairstylist!
1384
00:57:28,783 --> 00:57:31,953
- Fuck! Now, I have bangs!
- (cheering)
1385
00:57:31,953 --> 00:57:35,039
Only Taylor Swift can
pull off this look! (gagging)
1386
00:57:35,039 --> 00:57:37,375
Then, you realize you don't
have the core strength
1387
00:57:37,375 --> 00:57:38,835
to keep doing this joke!
1388
00:57:38,835 --> 00:57:42,130
- (applause)
- You wonder why the fuck
you wrote this bit!
1389
00:57:42,630 --> 00:57:45,550
Why is this your career
at the age of 39?
1390
00:57:45,550 --> 00:57:47,510
Is this even art anymore?
1391
00:57:47,510 --> 00:57:50,972
- (gagging)
- (laughter)
1392
00:57:50,972 --> 00:57:52,181
(panting)
1393
00:57:52,181 --> 00:57:54,726
It's all so exhausting,
you guys!
1394
00:57:54,726 --> 00:57:57,603
- (cheering)
- There's too many dicks,
1395
00:57:57,603 --> 00:58:00,481
and you can't jerk them all off,
no matter how hard you try.
1396
00:58:00,481 --> 00:58:02,150
(laughter)
1397
00:58:02,150 --> 00:58:04,318
It's relentless,
it's exhausting,
1398
00:58:04,318 --> 00:58:08,156
and there's no safe word,
you know?
1399
00:58:08,156 --> 00:58:09,866
Life is a gangbang,
1400
00:58:09,866 --> 00:58:12,702
and most of the time,
you don't even get to cum.
1401
00:58:12,702 --> 00:58:15,329
- (cheering)
- (panting)
1402
00:58:15,329 --> 00:58:18,541
(applause)
1403
00:58:18,541 --> 00:58:21,002
- But...
- (electronic music playing)
1404
00:58:21,002 --> 00:58:23,087
there is good news.
1405
00:58:23,087 --> 00:58:25,089
'Cause someday,
1406
00:58:25,089 --> 00:58:27,175
- you'll die.
- (laughter)
1407
00:58:27,175 --> 00:58:30,303
(applause, cheering)
1408
00:58:41,439 --> 00:58:43,191
Thank you, Seattle!
Good night!
1409
00:58:43,191 --> 00:58:45,234
♪ Someday, you'll die ♪
1410
00:58:47,820 --> 00:58:51,824
♪ Someday, you'll die... ♪
1411
00:58:52,992 --> 00:58:54,577
♪ Someday, you'll die ♪
1412
00:58:54,577 --> 00:58:56,746
♪ I'm not okay ♪
1413
00:58:56,746 --> 00:58:58,956
♪ I sound insane ♪
1414
00:58:58,956 --> 00:59:03,169
♪ It's not my whole words
in my brain ♪
1415
00:59:03,169 --> 00:59:06,005
♪ I can't complain ♪
1416
00:59:06,005 --> 00:59:07,840
♪ My life is ♪
1417
00:59:07,840 --> 00:59:11,052
♪ Fucking great ♪
1418
00:59:11,052 --> 00:59:12,762
(cheering fades out)
1419
00:59:12,762 --> 00:59:15,098
♪ When life's a mess,
and you're depressed ♪
1420
00:59:15,098 --> 00:59:17,308
♪ Breathe deep
and just be grateful ♪
1421
00:59:17,308 --> 00:59:20,728
♪ There's just one sure thing
in this life ♪
1422
00:59:21,896 --> 00:59:24,857
♪ That someday, you'll die ♪
1423
00:59:26,734 --> 00:59:30,905
♪ Someday, you'll die... ♪
1424
00:59:31,406 --> 00:59:34,200
♪ Someday, you'll die! ♪