1 00:00:04,241 --> 00:00:06,079 Congratulations, Major Shah, 2 00:00:06,179 --> 00:00:08,985 on 20 years of distinguished service 3 00:00:09,018 --> 00:00:10,320 in the United States Army. 4 00:00:10,354 --> 00:00:12,324 I insisted on being here today 5 00:00:12,391 --> 00:00:14,228 in front of your friends and family 6 00:00:14,295 --> 00:00:15,532 to bestow this honor upon you 7 00:00:15,565 --> 00:00:17,434 and take it away from Colonel Quinn. 8 00:00:18,904 --> 00:00:20,741 Well done, Major Shah. There we go. 9 00:00:20,775 --> 00:00:22,879 Thank you, sir. 10 00:00:22,946 --> 00:00:24,215 - Thank you so much. - All right. 11 00:00:24,282 --> 00:00:26,587 - Whoo! - Hell yeah! 12 00:00:26,621 --> 00:00:28,290 - Happy 20 years! - Happy 20th! 13 00:00:28,323 --> 00:00:29,960 - Happy 20 years. - Twenty years. 14 00:00:30,027 --> 00:00:32,098 I can't believe it. In my two decades, 15 00:00:32,164 --> 00:00:33,534 the American military 16 00:00:33,601 --> 00:00:36,172 has won and abandoned so much of the Middle East. 17 00:00:36,206 --> 00:00:37,708 - Yeah. - But what's made it worthwhile 18 00:00:37,709 --> 00:00:40,080 are the friends and family I've made along the way, 19 00:00:40,147 --> 00:00:41,684 like all of you. 20 00:00:41,717 --> 00:00:42,719 Now I know how much you like 21 00:00:42,786 --> 00:00:43,921 - the movie Up. - I do. 22 00:00:43,954 --> 00:00:45,525 I got 80 more of these in the van. 23 00:00:45,559 --> 00:00:47,061 You wanna see if I can get lift off 24 00:00:47,161 --> 00:00:48,631 in a high ceiling room or what? 25 00:00:48,697 --> 00:00:49,933 I was hoping you'd say that. 26 00:00:50,000 --> 00:00:51,202 And I know how much 27 00:00:51,236 --> 00:00:53,674 you love nasty grandma candy. 28 00:00:53,741 --> 00:00:55,778 - Oh, hard candy wreath. - Yeah. 29 00:00:55,811 --> 00:00:56,479 My favorite. 30 00:00:56,513 --> 00:00:58,283 Including all the best flavors. 31 00:00:58,316 --> 00:01:00,487 - Brown, light brown and beige. - Mm, yes. 32 00:01:00,521 --> 00:01:02,525 - You guys, this is too much. - No, it's not. 33 00:01:02,592 --> 00:01:06,867 Twenty years is deserving of an honorable... gift. 34 00:01:06,934 --> 00:01:09,472 The singing cactus I sent you so many TikToks about. 35 00:01:09,540 --> 00:01:11,510 Is it the one that's inappropriately somber? 36 00:01:11,543 --> 00:01:12,612 Um... 37 00:01:12,712 --> 00:01:14,449 ♪ Amazing... ♪ 38 00:01:14,516 --> 00:01:16,085 Ooh, ho, ho. 39 00:01:16,152 --> 00:01:17,388 It is the one. 40 00:01:17,455 --> 00:01:20,226 Aw, this is just what I wanted. 41 00:01:20,327 --> 00:01:22,331 I did, I didn't know this was a thing. 42 00:01:22,398 --> 00:01:25,505 So you're traditionally not into things and-- 43 00:01:25,539 --> 00:01:27,140 Oh, it's, you know. It's not a thing. 44 00:01:27,240 --> 00:01:29,211 - It's not a thing. It's-- - No, it's a big thing. 45 00:01:29,278 --> 00:01:31,449 Twenty is not just the big thing, it's the biggest thing. 46 00:01:31,483 --> 00:01:33,219 - Yeah. - It means you get your pension 47 00:01:33,286 --> 00:01:35,357 and your lifetime healthcare, and more important 48 00:01:35,423 --> 00:01:36,627 than anything else, really, 49 00:01:36,660 --> 00:01:40,266 the respect and acknowledgment of moi. 50 00:01:42,204 --> 00:01:43,707 - A challenge coin. - Yeah. 51 00:01:44,810 --> 00:01:46,345 Six different colors. 52 00:01:46,379 --> 00:01:48,518 You guys, thank you for all the gifts. 53 00:01:48,618 --> 00:01:50,354 - I love you, man. - Yeah, we care about you. 54 00:01:50,387 --> 00:01:53,393 Oh, also, I forgot. I got you, um, this. 55 00:01:53,493 --> 00:01:55,599 It's a matcha, and I just tried a little bit of it 56 00:01:55,665 --> 00:01:58,436 to make sure it's not too cold. 57 00:01:58,470 --> 00:02:00,675 I held it until the ice melted. 58 00:02:00,742 --> 00:02:01,944 Hm. 59 00:02:02,010 --> 00:02:05,985 - You got him a drink? - Mm-hmm. 60 00:02:06,019 --> 00:02:08,790 That you already drank. 61 00:02:08,791 --> 00:02:09,860 Uh, this is gonna hit the spot. 62 00:02:09,893 --> 00:02:11,763 - Thanks a lot. Yeah. - Aw. 63 00:02:12,398 --> 00:02:14,034 Do I have to drink it? 64 00:02:35,144 --> 00:02:37,916 Oh, are you packing for your camping trip? 65 00:02:37,949 --> 00:02:40,454 Celebrating Major Shah's 20 years. 66 00:02:40,487 --> 00:02:41,757 - It's a rite of passage. - Yeah. 67 00:02:41,790 --> 00:02:43,627 I think it's great that the two of you 68 00:02:43,694 --> 00:02:45,564 get to spend some time together. 69 00:02:45,598 --> 00:02:47,502 One last hurrah. 70 00:02:47,535 --> 00:02:48,705 What are you talkin' about? 71 00:02:48,771 --> 00:02:49,873 Now that he's hit 20, 72 00:02:49,906 --> 00:02:51,576 he's considering retirement 73 00:02:51,643 --> 00:02:53,648 and has met with the transition officer at Baumholder. 74 00:02:53,715 --> 00:02:55,618 I don't believe you. I think you're lying. 75 00:02:55,685 --> 00:02:57,488 You know this is privileged information 76 00:02:57,555 --> 00:03:00,828 that you cannot act on, which makes it more fun for me. 77 00:03:02,264 --> 00:03:04,335 - Yeah, yeah. Hey. - Oh, hey. General Davidson. 78 00:03:04,368 --> 00:03:05,404 Didn't realize you were still here. 79 00:03:05,505 --> 00:03:06,507 Major Shah, I didn't realize that you were still here. 80 00:03:06,607 --> 00:03:08,978 Hey, you know what? I was just checkin' the weather 81 00:03:09,044 --> 00:03:12,385 about our trip tonight, and it looks, it looks crazy. 82 00:03:12,451 --> 00:03:14,021 There's a cold front coming in, it's gonna rain, 83 00:03:14,088 --> 00:03:15,357 and now they're saying snow, so I think 84 00:03:15,391 --> 00:03:16,661 maybe we should move it, like, six months 85 00:03:16,727 --> 00:03:17,796 to the summertime. You'll be here, right? 86 00:03:17,829 --> 00:03:20,400 I already got permission from Celeste for tonight. 87 00:03:20,501 --> 00:03:21,737 Um, not that I need her permission, 88 00:03:21,803 --> 00:03:22,839 because I am my own man. 89 00:03:22,906 --> 00:03:24,141 - I do what I wanna do. - Sure. 90 00:03:24,208 --> 00:03:25,544 You know, but I'll check the calendar, all right. 91 00:03:25,611 --> 00:03:27,047 Great. Summer, six months from now. 92 00:03:27,080 --> 00:03:28,417 What about 12 months? 93 00:03:28,483 --> 00:03:29,652 Well, the, uh, app doesn't go that far. 94 00:03:29,653 --> 00:03:31,021 I have a feeling that the weather 95 00:03:31,088 --> 00:03:32,993 will be even better in 12 months. 96 00:03:33,060 --> 00:03:34,328 It's a feeling, that's not the app. 97 00:03:34,395 --> 00:03:35,632 What weather app are we lookin' at? 98 00:03:35,665 --> 00:03:38,670 - Just answer the question. - The... Okay. 99 00:03:38,737 --> 00:03:41,676 Uh, well, the weather looks pretty great right now, 100 00:03:41,743 --> 00:03:43,279 so why don't we give tonight a shot 101 00:03:43,313 --> 00:03:44,315 and just see how it goes, maybe? 102 00:03:44,382 --> 00:03:46,820 Smart. Keep your options open. 103 00:03:46,854 --> 00:03:48,322 Okay, so then I'll see you tonight, colonel. 104 00:03:48,356 --> 00:03:49,526 Or in 12 months. 105 00:03:49,559 --> 00:03:50,895 Maybe 18 months, because I don't know 106 00:03:50,929 --> 00:03:53,099 - what's happening here. - Okay. 107 00:03:54,503 --> 00:03:55,672 I hope I haven't ruined your trip. 108 00:03:55,738 --> 00:03:56,908 Oh, you haven't ruined my trip. 109 00:03:56,974 --> 00:03:58,644 It's the camping trip 110 00:03:58,677 --> 00:04:01,650 where I convince Shah to become a lifer. 111 00:04:01,684 --> 00:04:03,620 The only thing that's gonna convince Shah of 112 00:04:03,687 --> 00:04:07,662 is that he should have retired five years ago. 113 00:04:07,695 --> 00:04:10,769 You need a hobby, sir. 114 00:04:10,802 --> 00:04:13,439 This... is my hobby. 115 00:04:13,473 --> 00:04:15,076 Huh. 116 00:04:16,580 --> 00:04:18,283 I know you loved seeing Celeste 117 00:04:18,316 --> 00:04:20,020 completely blow it in front of her husband, 118 00:04:20,120 --> 00:04:21,389 who you're secretly in love with. 119 00:04:21,456 --> 00:04:22,759 No, I did not. 120 00:04:22,826 --> 00:04:25,396 I really would like one side of the love triangle 121 00:04:25,430 --> 00:04:27,267 to be happy, right? Let's get... 122 00:04:27,334 --> 00:04:28,470 - Whoa! - Hi. 123 00:04:28,537 --> 00:04:30,508 - Oh! - Scrooch over. 124 00:04:30,541 --> 00:04:32,512 - Oh, um... - Can I just scoot? 125 00:04:32,546 --> 00:04:33,814 - Oh, yeah. Come in. - Okay. 126 00:04:33,847 --> 00:04:35,483 - Sit down. - Can I ask you guys something? 127 00:04:35,551 --> 00:04:36,686 - Of course. - Okay. 128 00:04:36,720 --> 00:04:38,857 Do you think that Abe was upset 129 00:04:38,891 --> 00:04:41,296 that I, like, didn't do more for his 20th? 130 00:04:41,329 --> 00:04:42,732 - No. No. - No. No. 131 00:04:42,765 --> 00:04:45,136 In fact, I think he might be upset 132 00:04:45,170 --> 00:04:46,740 at the idea of you being upset. 133 00:04:46,773 --> 00:04:48,476 - Oh, my gosh, yeah. - More than he could be upset. 134 00:04:48,511 --> 00:04:49,880 I feel like that totally summarizes 135 00:04:49,946 --> 00:04:51,215 our whole relationship. 136 00:04:51,282 --> 00:04:52,485 We're constantly misinterpreting each other. 137 00:04:52,552 --> 00:04:53,654 I'll think he's, like, mad, 138 00:04:53,720 --> 00:04:55,023 but really he's just hungry. 139 00:04:55,057 --> 00:04:56,359 And then I'll think he's hungry, 140 00:04:56,426 --> 00:04:57,996 when really he just wants to make a baby. 141 00:04:58,062 --> 00:04:59,498 Mm, yeah. 142 00:04:59,565 --> 00:05:01,537 - Straight couples are crazy. - I really wanna 143 00:05:01,570 --> 00:05:03,641 make it up to him. I know he really loved those presents. 144 00:05:03,708 --> 00:05:05,512 Especially that little cactus. 145 00:05:05,578 --> 00:05:07,314 - Did he say that? - I can tell. 146 00:05:07,348 --> 00:05:10,621 Can you or maybe he's hungry? 147 00:05:10,688 --> 00:05:12,457 I was hoping I could run some ideas past you guys. 148 00:05:12,525 --> 00:05:13,326 - Yep. - Uh, we're actually busy. 149 00:05:13,459 --> 00:05:14,494 - No, let's go off, queen. - We're so busy. 150 00:05:14,529 --> 00:05:17,502 - Give us the list. - How about a hot stone massage? 151 00:05:17,569 --> 00:05:19,171 - Oh. - Like, I take some rocks 152 00:05:19,204 --> 00:05:20,608 from our yard, preheat the oven. 153 00:05:20,641 --> 00:05:22,344 Okay, hold on, hold on. Outside rocks? 154 00:05:22,377 --> 00:05:23,748 - Mm-hmm. - Yeah, those are jagged. 155 00:05:23,781 --> 00:05:25,985 Like you need special stones to... 156 00:05:26,018 --> 00:05:27,655 And special training. 157 00:05:27,688 --> 00:05:28,824 - Yeah, that too. - Or a vacation. 158 00:05:28,891 --> 00:05:30,661 - What if I made us dinner? - Lovely. 159 00:05:30,695 --> 00:05:32,599 Well, that's better than rubbing on him with rocks. 160 00:05:32,666 --> 00:05:34,703 - Well, yeah. - It's dinner in bed. 161 00:05:34,736 --> 00:05:35,638 - Mm-hmm. Yeah. - Bed. 162 00:05:35,805 --> 00:05:37,241 And I'll make his favorite spaghetti and meatballs. 163 00:05:37,274 --> 00:05:39,746 That sounds like a wet meal for bed. 164 00:05:39,813 --> 00:05:42,317 - Mm-hmm. Yeah, wet bed. - Like too wet for bed. 165 00:05:42,384 --> 00:05:43,921 Or, you know, even speaking of di-dinner, 166 00:05:43,987 --> 00:05:45,591 you could plan a dinner with his friends. 167 00:05:45,625 --> 00:05:46,927 That is such a good idea. 168 00:05:46,994 --> 00:05:48,530 I don't know why I was overthinking it. 169 00:05:48,597 --> 00:05:49,833 - Yeah, do that. - Yeah, great. 170 00:05:49,899 --> 00:05:51,703 - Do that. - Mm-hmm. 171 00:05:51,803 --> 00:05:55,911 - Would you guys help me plan it? - Hm? 172 00:05:55,945 --> 00:05:58,851 'Cause my marriage is kind of on the line. 173 00:05:58,884 --> 00:06:00,888 - Um, I... - Yes. 174 00:06:00,955 --> 00:06:02,290 Of course. 175 00:06:02,357 --> 00:06:03,560 - Yes? Yes? - Yes. 176 00:06:03,627 --> 00:06:05,631 - We would love to help you. - Aw. 177 00:06:05,698 --> 00:06:06,866 So you're gonna save this marriage. 178 00:06:06,900 --> 00:06:08,169 We are gonna save this marriage. 179 00:06:08,236 --> 00:06:10,040 - Oh, my gosh! - Yeah, we-we are. 180 00:06:10,107 --> 00:06:11,109 "Save your marriage" on three. 181 00:06:11,142 --> 00:06:12,546 - Yeah! - One, two, three. 182 00:06:12,579 --> 00:06:14,382 Save your marriage. 183 00:06:14,415 --> 00:06:17,053 And break. 184 00:06:17,120 --> 00:06:18,456 All right, pal. 185 00:06:18,524 --> 00:06:19,893 Tonight is all about us, the woods. 186 00:06:19,960 --> 00:06:21,062 And some knives. 187 00:06:21,095 --> 00:06:23,601 And some whiskey and some axes and some guns 188 00:06:23,667 --> 00:06:25,604 - and a small cannon. - A cannon? 189 00:06:25,671 --> 00:06:27,273 You won't find that at a civilian job. 190 00:06:27,307 --> 00:06:28,175 No, you won't. 191 00:06:28,242 --> 00:06:29,946 Well, I guess it varies state to state. 192 00:06:29,980 --> 00:06:31,684 Yeah, all I know is that I'm really looking forward 193 00:06:31,717 --> 00:06:33,687 to some time in nature to clear my head, 194 00:06:33,788 --> 00:06:35,658 - you know what I mean? - Thanks, pal. 195 00:06:35,691 --> 00:06:37,060 What are you doing, what? 196 00:06:37,093 --> 00:06:38,496 - Oh! - Who's driving? 197 00:06:38,564 --> 00:06:39,899 - Me. - Yeah, it's one of the perks 198 00:06:39,966 --> 00:06:41,570 of the 20-year club. You don't have to drive anymore. 199 00:06:41,604 --> 00:06:42,605 - Hey. - Don't worry. 200 00:06:42,672 --> 00:06:43,774 - He's gonna stay in the van. - Okay. 201 00:06:43,841 --> 00:06:45,477 - Yeah, yeah. - That's fine by me, man. 202 00:06:46,847 --> 00:06:48,751 So I finally finished Game of Thrones. 203 00:06:48,818 --> 00:06:50,053 - Oh, yeah? - For the second time. 204 00:06:50,120 --> 00:06:51,221 So, I'm gonna binge the Bible. 205 00:06:51,288 --> 00:06:52,926 - Ah. - Complete unabridged audiobook. 206 00:06:52,959 --> 00:06:55,497 Did you know it's the highest selling book of all time? 207 00:06:55,564 --> 00:06:56,900 - Mm-hmm. - Did know that, yeah. 208 00:06:56,967 --> 00:06:58,369 Sold more copies than Da Vinci Code, 209 00:06:58,436 --> 00:07:00,173 which is also about Jesus, so I guess 210 00:07:00,207 --> 00:07:01,544 it's extended Bible universe. 211 00:07:01,610 --> 00:07:02,645 You mean, uh, Christianity? 212 00:07:02,712 --> 00:07:04,583 Uh, da-da-da! No spoilers. 213 00:07:04,616 --> 00:07:07,387 Let's go. 214 00:07:07,454 --> 00:07:08,891 - Oh! - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. 215 00:07:08,924 --> 00:07:10,460 - Whoa. - Whoa. 216 00:07:10,528 --> 00:07:12,899 Oh, man. 217 00:07:12,932 --> 00:07:15,169 - What are you doing here? - Well, what you said about 218 00:07:15,203 --> 00:07:18,009 keeping Major Shah in the army got me thinking. 219 00:07:18,076 --> 00:07:20,314 - Oh, so you came to help me? - Hell no. No, no, no. 220 00:07:20,380 --> 00:07:22,585 I just realized how much Shah means to you, 221 00:07:22,685 --> 00:07:24,690 so I'm gonna make sure you fail. 222 00:07:24,756 --> 00:07:27,027 And at the end of this desperate attempt, 223 00:07:27,093 --> 00:07:28,429 he decides to retire. 224 00:07:29,900 --> 00:07:31,704 - Guess what? You're not invited. - What? 225 00:07:31,770 --> 00:07:33,473 Being top of the chain of command, 226 00:07:33,507 --> 00:07:36,011 I get to invite myself wherever I wish to go. 227 00:07:36,045 --> 00:07:39,217 As a matter of fact, I crashed nine weddings this year 228 00:07:39,251 --> 00:07:41,690 and didn't bring a single gift. 229 00:07:41,757 --> 00:07:45,163 Oh, and also, I've invited a couple of lifers 230 00:07:45,263 --> 00:07:47,802 - along that you know. - Who? 231 00:07:47,869 --> 00:07:49,238 Come on, man. 232 00:07:49,305 --> 00:07:50,774 - Merkle and Funt? - Mm-hmm. 233 00:07:50,841 --> 00:07:52,144 They're gonna ruin the whole trip. 234 00:07:52,210 --> 00:07:53,914 - Mm-hmm. - Funt never talks, 235 00:07:53,981 --> 00:07:56,052 but his body makes so many noises. 236 00:07:56,118 --> 00:07:58,991 Let's go, boys. 237 00:08:00,661 --> 00:08:02,431 General, Lieutenant Colonel 238 00:08:02,498 --> 00:08:05,436 and Major Charisma. What a treat. 239 00:08:05,504 --> 00:08:06,305 - Slide over. - Oh. 240 00:08:06,405 --> 00:08:07,943 - Yeah, yeah, yeah, come on. - Oh, okay. 241 00:08:07,976 --> 00:08:09,579 - You're comin' along too? - Absolutely. 242 00:08:09,646 --> 00:08:12,016 'Cause we're gonna have some fun, my friend. 243 00:08:19,064 --> 00:08:21,770 Yep. Do you think the army made a man out, of you now? 244 00:08:21,804 --> 00:08:22,906 Wait till you become a lifer. 245 00:08:22,973 --> 00:08:24,743 When you reject civilization completely 246 00:08:24,776 --> 00:08:25,945 and all its temptations. 247 00:08:26,045 --> 00:08:27,649 That's when your body allows you 248 00:08:27,682 --> 00:08:30,387 to get into peak physical condition. 249 00:08:30,420 --> 00:08:31,523 All right. 250 00:08:35,263 --> 00:08:37,167 - Woo-hoo, that was fun. - Hey! 251 00:08:37,200 --> 00:08:38,704 Why, don't we fight with these anymore? 252 00:08:38,804 --> 00:08:42,144 Because... we're lost as a society. 253 00:08:51,095 --> 00:08:54,569 And now the Bible, written by God. 254 00:08:54,602 --> 00:08:56,740 Read by Hank Azaria. 255 00:08:56,807 --> 00:08:59,846 "In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. 256 00:08:59,912 --> 00:09:02,117 Now the earth was formless and empty. 257 00:09:02,183 --> 00:09:04,454 Darkness was over the surface of the deep. 258 00:09:04,455 --> 00:09:08,129 And the spirit of God was hovering over the waters. 259 00:09:08,229 --> 00:09:10,533 Let there be light. 260 00:09:10,534 --> 00:09:11,737 And, there was light." 261 00:09:11,804 --> 00:09:13,940 Damn, that's a hell of a start. 262 00:09:13,974 --> 00:09:16,012 You were right. 263 00:09:16,079 --> 00:09:17,582 This is much better than doing it in bed. 264 00:09:17,648 --> 00:09:18,951 But we can still do our favorite 265 00:09:18,984 --> 00:09:21,022 - spaghetti and meatballs. - That's so funny. 266 00:09:21,088 --> 00:09:24,128 I've... never seen him eat that one time. 267 00:09:24,195 --> 00:09:26,432 Well, it was more my favorite. 268 00:09:26,466 --> 00:09:27,868 And then he started making it for me. 269 00:09:27,902 --> 00:09:30,039 And now we just always eat it together. 270 00:09:30,106 --> 00:09:30,908 - Cute. - Yeah. 271 00:09:30,942 --> 00:09:32,411 Yeah, yeah, we could do that. 272 00:09:32,478 --> 00:09:33,714 We could have Shah 273 00:09:33,747 --> 00:09:35,851 make y-your spaghetti and meatballs 274 00:09:35,918 --> 00:09:38,056 for his... celebration dinner. 275 00:09:38,122 --> 00:09:40,326 Or... just spitballing. 276 00:09:40,427 --> 00:09:41,696 Um, I do know that 277 00:09:41,730 --> 00:09:43,767 there is a really authentic Indian place in town 278 00:09:43,834 --> 00:09:45,671 that Shah really loves. He says it reminds him 279 00:09:45,705 --> 00:09:46,874 of his grandmother's cooking. 280 00:09:46,940 --> 00:09:48,944 - Oh. - So that's just an option. 281 00:09:50,079 --> 00:09:51,382 - Yeah. - Great. 282 00:09:51,449 --> 00:09:53,821 Okay, that's perfect 'cause I actually already ordered it 283 00:09:53,854 --> 00:09:55,356 and they threw in the utensils for free. 284 00:09:55,423 --> 00:09:56,660 Whoo! 285 00:09:56,727 --> 00:09:58,229 You are doing such a good job. 286 00:09:58,296 --> 00:09:59,566 This is just gonna be amazing. 287 00:09:59,599 --> 00:10:01,670 You're crushing it. I'll see you later. 288 00:10:01,737 --> 00:10:04,307 Okay. 289 00:10:07,848 --> 00:10:09,919 Look at you losers sweating your asses off. 290 00:10:09,986 --> 00:10:12,659 And not me, I got three layers on. 291 00:10:12,725 --> 00:10:14,028 I haven't sweat a drop. 292 00:10:14,095 --> 00:10:15,430 That might be a pituitary issue, sir. 293 00:10:15,464 --> 00:10:16,833 You should probably check that out. 294 00:10:16,900 --> 00:10:18,202 No, it's not, it's a control issue. 295 00:10:18,269 --> 00:10:19,639 I have power over my body. 296 00:10:19,706 --> 00:10:22,477 Uh, no thanks. 297 00:10:22,512 --> 00:10:23,747 I don't really like to drink that much. 298 00:10:23,814 --> 00:10:25,618 It, uh, it makes me yell. 299 00:10:25,651 --> 00:10:26,653 Well, if you're not yelling, 300 00:10:26,687 --> 00:10:27,956 are you really saying anything? 301 00:10:28,022 --> 00:10:29,759 You know what? Whatever. I'm not driving. 302 00:10:29,792 --> 00:10:32,898 There you go. 303 00:10:32,965 --> 00:10:34,836 Wow. Wow! 304 00:10:34,903 --> 00:10:36,840 - Okay, here we go. - Yeah. There it is. 305 00:10:36,873 --> 00:10:38,510 It's what it's all about. This is the life. 306 00:10:38,577 --> 00:10:40,180 It sure is. You know what? 307 00:10:40,213 --> 00:10:41,916 Let's make this a little more interesting 308 00:10:41,950 --> 00:10:43,654 with a little unfriendly competition 309 00:10:43,720 --> 00:10:45,925 that I learned from a couple of enlisted men. 310 00:10:45,958 --> 00:10:48,864 And never... have I ever 311 00:10:48,931 --> 00:10:52,403 had my highest rank be colonel or lower. 312 00:10:52,470 --> 00:10:56,647 So drink up, you subordinate losers. 313 00:11:01,288 --> 00:11:03,660 "Refusing to budge, the donkey turned to his owner 314 00:11:03,693 --> 00:11:05,063 and began to speak. 315 00:11:05,096 --> 00:11:09,038 Hey, did you not see the angel in the road?" 316 00:11:09,138 --> 00:11:13,246 Talking donkeys. The Bible's like Shrek, 317 00:11:13,313 --> 00:11:16,452 if Shrek had a lot of animal sacrifice. 318 00:11:16,520 --> 00:11:19,458 Well, never have I ever... 319 00:11:19,491 --> 00:11:22,931 launched a full scale attack on a flock of of geese. 320 00:11:22,965 --> 00:11:25,103 They were invading our airspace. 321 00:11:25,136 --> 00:11:26,940 - They were migrating. - All right, okay. 322 00:11:26,974 --> 00:11:28,978 - Oh, my God. - I think, uh, I think I'm done. 323 00:11:29,044 --> 00:11:30,514 It's getting a little hot in here. I'm gonna-- 324 00:11:30,581 --> 00:11:32,585 Uh, what are you talking about? This is the brotherhood. 325 00:11:32,685 --> 00:11:33,720 This is how we have fun, right? 326 00:11:33,787 --> 00:11:36,358 Make each other laugh. 327 00:11:36,458 --> 00:11:38,495 This is what you have to look forward to when you're a lifer. 328 00:11:38,530 --> 00:11:41,235 And we know we can trust you 'cause you're an honorable 329 00:11:41,301 --> 00:11:42,370 and trustworthy person. 330 00:11:42,404 --> 00:11:44,007 You wouldn't abandon us, quit 331 00:11:44,074 --> 00:11:46,913 and take some stupid civilian job. 332 00:11:46,946 --> 00:11:48,917 Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, uh... 333 00:11:48,950 --> 00:11:50,453 Is that what this is about? 334 00:11:50,486 --> 00:11:52,859 Did you guys find out that I met with a transition officer? 335 00:11:52,926 --> 00:11:55,229 Well, nothing happens on my base without my knowing about it. 336 00:11:55,263 --> 00:11:57,602 Yeah, so we know you're leaving me. 337 00:11:57,669 --> 00:12:00,006 Us. The army. 338 00:12:00,073 --> 00:12:03,079 Uh, I haven't decided anything, okay? 339 00:12:03,146 --> 00:12:05,316 This is a really tough choice and I just met 340 00:12:05,383 --> 00:12:07,521 with a transition officer because Celeste wanted me to. 341 00:12:07,555 --> 00:12:11,095 She's leaving the army and she wanted me to take my 20 342 00:12:11,128 --> 00:12:14,702 and retire and possibly save... our marriage. 343 00:12:14,736 --> 00:12:17,240 And I'm saying it's time to get rid of your ball and chain. 344 00:12:17,273 --> 00:12:18,543 - What? - Uh, the colonel, of course. 345 00:12:18,576 --> 00:12:21,115 - You know, I am tired, old man. - You? What are you starting now? 346 00:12:21,182 --> 00:12:22,886 - I'm tired of your stuff. - Tired? 347 00:12:22,952 --> 00:12:23,921 You're constantly riding me. 348 00:12:23,954 --> 00:12:25,725 - All you do-- - Because you need to be ridden. 349 00:12:25,758 --> 00:12:26,793 - Oh, really? - Yeah, exactly. 350 00:12:26,993 --> 00:12:29,298 That's it. I-I can't. I just can't anymore. It's too much. 351 00:12:29,365 --> 00:12:31,302 It's too much for me. And stop, stop. 352 00:12:31,335 --> 00:12:33,172 You know, I just wanted a night in the woods. 353 00:12:33,239 --> 00:12:35,377 That's it. Me, some axes, good times. 354 00:12:35,443 --> 00:12:37,915 My future might be hanging in the balance, 355 00:12:37,982 --> 00:12:39,184 but one thing I do know for certain 356 00:12:39,251 --> 00:12:41,021 is that I don't wanna end up sad and alone 357 00:12:41,054 --> 00:12:42,290 eating beans in a tent 358 00:12:42,324 --> 00:12:44,294 in some sick competition with my sworn enemy 359 00:12:44,361 --> 00:12:46,298 because I don't have any wives left. 360 00:12:46,331 --> 00:12:47,935 Well, but that's because he's a narcissist. 361 00:12:47,968 --> 00:12:48,904 No, he's the narcissist. 362 00:12:48,970 --> 00:12:50,171 You're both narcissists. 363 00:12:50,172 --> 00:12:52,645 I told you drinking makes me yell. 364 00:12:58,022 --> 00:13:00,694 - Hey. - Oh, hey. 365 00:13:00,761 --> 00:13:01,964 - How's it going? - Good. 366 00:13:01,997 --> 00:13:03,499 - What's up? - So, um... 367 00:13:03,567 --> 00:13:07,106 Yeah, I could really use Rick Silver's number right now. 368 00:13:07,173 --> 00:13:09,779 You put his number in my phone for safekeeping. 369 00:13:09,813 --> 00:13:11,215 And remember what we agreed to? 370 00:13:11,282 --> 00:13:12,551 That it had to be World War III, 371 00:13:12,585 --> 00:13:14,488 and I would only get it if I wanted one last ride 372 00:13:14,522 --> 00:13:16,726 - before the world ended. - And is it World War III? 373 00:13:16,793 --> 00:13:18,362 No, but it's close, okay? 374 00:13:18,395 --> 00:13:20,266 I can't stop myself from helping Celeste 375 00:13:20,333 --> 00:13:24,408 try to save her marriage to... a guy that I have fallen for. 376 00:13:24,475 --> 00:13:25,310 I offered to write her speech. 377 00:13:25,410 --> 00:13:27,214 What? Why would you do that to yourself? 378 00:13:27,247 --> 00:13:28,449 Because she couldn't find any word 379 00:13:28,482 --> 00:13:29,886 that rhymed with obligation. 380 00:13:29,953 --> 00:13:31,388 - I can't help myself. - Yeah. 381 00:13:31,389 --> 00:13:32,324 But you can help me. 382 00:13:32,357 --> 00:13:33,894 And Rick Silver is not the answer. 383 00:13:33,961 --> 00:13:36,633 He is a CIA liar who destroyed your life 384 00:13:36,666 --> 00:13:39,705 like it's a foreign leftist government. I'm sorry, 385 00:13:39,772 --> 00:13:41,843 - I'm not giving you his number. - Fine. 386 00:13:41,876 --> 00:13:43,245 Yeah. 387 00:13:43,312 --> 00:13:44,849 Do you know anything that rhymes with obligation? 388 00:13:44,916 --> 00:13:47,220 - Frustration. - Actually, do you have a pen? 389 00:13:47,254 --> 00:13:49,091 Girl, let Celeste write her own speech. 390 00:13:49,124 --> 00:13:50,928 I'll go get my own pen. 391 00:13:50,961 --> 00:13:53,465 Fifteen mile hike over uneven ground. 392 00:13:53,533 --> 00:13:55,002 I've done worse. 393 00:13:55,069 --> 00:13:57,073 One of them? I'm not one of them. 394 00:13:57,173 --> 00:13:59,444 I can live my life however I... 395 00:14:04,021 --> 00:14:05,557 Oh, this is bad. 396 00:14:13,139 --> 00:14:15,143 Shah, I know you're mad, 397 00:14:15,176 --> 00:14:17,280 but you can't leave me alone with these turds. 398 00:14:17,347 --> 00:14:20,052 All right, man? You're driving me crazy. 399 00:14:23,527 --> 00:14:24,628 Shah! 400 00:14:26,633 --> 00:14:27,768 Hey, Shah. 401 00:14:29,505 --> 00:14:30,975 Look, I told him the truth. 402 00:14:31,042 --> 00:14:32,177 Army life is hard. 403 00:14:32,277 --> 00:14:33,547 Yeah, which is how we like it. 404 00:14:33,614 --> 00:14:37,287 Yes. Yes, we do. But you know what? Let me ask you. 405 00:14:37,353 --> 00:14:39,826 Did you ever once think about leaving after 20 years? 406 00:14:39,859 --> 00:14:43,366 - No. - Me neither. That's our answer. 407 00:14:43,433 --> 00:14:46,238 As much as I would love to wound you, 408 00:14:46,305 --> 00:14:48,743 he's gotta find it on his own. 409 00:14:48,810 --> 00:14:51,015 What, are you Buddha now? Do me a favor. 410 00:14:51,048 --> 00:14:52,250 Just focus on the search 411 00:14:52,283 --> 00:14:54,354 and try not to declare war on the geese. 412 00:14:55,323 --> 00:14:56,424 What's that? 413 00:14:56,458 --> 00:14:59,131 Uh, Funt, he has breathing issue. 414 00:14:59,164 --> 00:15:00,901 He had a handful of vertebrae removed, 415 00:15:00,935 --> 00:15:02,905 and now his neck is too short. 416 00:15:02,938 --> 00:15:04,274 - What, like a pug? - Mm. 417 00:15:04,308 --> 00:15:06,913 - Oh, my God. - Help! 418 00:15:06,979 --> 00:15:08,483 - 2 o'clock. - 2 o'clock. 419 00:15:08,517 --> 00:15:11,689 - Hey. - Oh, yes. 420 00:15:12,892 --> 00:15:14,093 I-I sprained my ankle. 421 00:15:14,160 --> 00:15:15,263 I can't really put any pressure on it. 422 00:15:15,329 --> 00:15:16,800 I... Can you call for help? 423 00:15:16,833 --> 00:15:19,037 We don't call for help. 424 00:15:19,070 --> 00:15:20,574 We are the help. 425 00:15:20,607 --> 00:15:22,344 General, you remember how to make a stretcher? 426 00:15:22,411 --> 00:15:25,015 Funt, stop breathing and find some branches. 427 00:15:25,951 --> 00:15:28,022 - Oh. Oh! - Three miles down. 428 00:15:28,089 --> 00:15:30,026 And one to go. 429 00:15:32,163 --> 00:15:33,166 - Hey. - All right, guys. 430 00:15:33,232 --> 00:15:34,836 Let him down here. 431 00:15:36,071 --> 00:15:38,375 Let me see if I got a signal. 432 00:15:39,344 --> 00:15:40,914 Yep, I do. 433 00:15:42,450 --> 00:15:44,889 Come on, Papadakis. Let's go. Let's go. 434 00:15:44,956 --> 00:15:47,260 "And before me was a pale horse, 435 00:15:47,326 --> 00:15:50,266 and the rider was Death." 436 00:15:50,299 --> 00:15:52,003 What? 437 00:15:52,070 --> 00:15:56,144 Death was riding the horse. Dude. 438 00:15:57,013 --> 00:15:59,084 The Bible is everything. 439 00:15:59,151 --> 00:16:02,023 Papadakis, you had one... job. 440 00:16:02,090 --> 00:16:04,227 We're gonna have to carry you the last mile or so. 441 00:16:04,260 --> 00:16:05,597 - Okay. - Here we go. 442 00:16:05,664 --> 00:16:06,832 - One, two, three. - Okay. 443 00:16:06,899 --> 00:16:09,505 - You ready? - Yep. 444 00:16:09,572 --> 00:16:12,210 Don't worry. Only the last half is uphill. 445 00:16:21,997 --> 00:16:24,000 He's coming. He's coming. He's coming. 446 00:16:25,369 --> 00:16:28,509 Surprise! 447 00:16:28,543 --> 00:16:32,016 - You did this all for me? - Well, 20 years is a big deal. 448 00:16:32,083 --> 00:16:33,219 Do you want a drink? 449 00:16:33,252 --> 00:16:35,422 Um, after, uh, falling down a hill 450 00:16:35,456 --> 00:16:37,026 and crying in a pile of leaves, 451 00:16:37,093 --> 00:16:39,130 I can confidently say I'm never gonna drink again. 452 00:16:39,164 --> 00:16:40,333 So Shirley Temple. 453 00:16:40,400 --> 00:16:42,103 - Here, sit down. Sit. - Okay. 454 00:16:42,137 --> 00:16:44,241 Congratulations, man. Thanks. 455 00:16:44,274 --> 00:16:47,313 This is... This is crazy. 456 00:16:47,380 --> 00:16:49,886 You look a lot better than you did in the van. 457 00:16:49,953 --> 00:16:51,088 Yeah. 458 00:16:51,154 --> 00:16:52,525 - Appreciate that. - Yeah, it was. 459 00:16:52,591 --> 00:16:54,094 And, sir, I wanted to tell you something. 460 00:16:54,161 --> 00:16:55,296 What? That you have weak ankles? 461 00:16:55,330 --> 00:16:56,599 I-I knew that the first time I saw you 462 00:16:56,666 --> 00:16:58,603 - walk in a basketball court. - Okay, please. 463 00:16:58,703 --> 00:17:00,507 I've seen oak trees with more lateral movement than you. 464 00:17:00,540 --> 00:17:03,312 Uh, what I was trying to say is that... 465 00:17:03,379 --> 00:17:05,282 I don't know if I'm gonna stay in the army. 466 00:17:05,316 --> 00:17:08,322 But I know... that I was wrong. 467 00:17:08,389 --> 00:17:10,459 I would be proud to be one of you. 468 00:17:11,595 --> 00:17:12,731 Yeah. Listen... 469 00:17:12,798 --> 00:17:16,271 I was wrong... is what Davidson would be saying 470 00:17:16,371 --> 00:17:17,841 if he was here, because everything that went wrong 471 00:17:17,875 --> 00:17:19,378 - on this trip was his fault. - Mm. 472 00:17:19,444 --> 00:17:21,281 I, the thing I did want to say to you is 473 00:17:21,314 --> 00:17:22,618 I think you should take some time to 474 00:17:22,651 --> 00:17:23,687 really think about this, 475 00:17:23,753 --> 00:17:24,856 'cause it's not just, like, 476 00:17:24,889 --> 00:17:25,691 vaguely your future. 477 00:17:25,757 --> 00:17:27,427 This is, like, the rest of your life. 478 00:17:27,460 --> 00:17:29,130 So I think you should share it with something 479 00:17:29,197 --> 00:17:30,567 that sees you for who you are 480 00:17:30,634 --> 00:17:32,504 and shares your passion and your values, 481 00:17:32,571 --> 00:17:35,711 whether that's the US army or something else. 482 00:17:35,778 --> 00:17:38,215 - Like my wife? - Yeah, it could be a person. 483 00:17:38,249 --> 00:17:39,551 You know, it could be a person. 484 00:17:39,585 --> 00:17:41,321 You biting your tongue right now? 485 00:17:41,355 --> 00:17:43,660 - No, no, cheek. - Hmm. 486 00:17:43,727 --> 00:17:46,398 If I bit down this hard on my tongue, I'd lose it. 487 00:17:48,002 --> 00:17:51,375 Hello. Hi. I want to thank everybody 488 00:17:51,475 --> 00:17:54,782 for coming out here to... celebrate Abe. 489 00:17:57,921 --> 00:17:59,592 I'm sorry. I can't pull myself away. 490 00:17:59,625 --> 00:18:01,495 Dead Sea Scrolls just dropped, and there's, like, 491 00:18:01,563 --> 00:18:02,931 a lot of debate on the message boards 492 00:18:02,965 --> 00:18:04,267 - whether it's canon or not. - Okay. 493 00:18:04,334 --> 00:18:05,704 Um, Abe... 494 00:18:06,338 --> 00:18:07,508 there's nobody like you. 495 00:18:07,542 --> 00:18:09,511 You're obsessed with Broadway shows, 496 00:18:09,578 --> 00:18:11,415 but you don't want anyone to know. 497 00:18:11,482 --> 00:18:12,951 Like, we don't hear you singing 498 00:18:12,985 --> 00:18:14,822 Suddenly, Seymour in the laundry room. 499 00:18:14,889 --> 00:18:16,392 We can. 500 00:18:16,458 --> 00:18:19,197 You only own one bowl, and you wash it after every use. 501 00:18:19,263 --> 00:18:22,036 An impressive system that we should all follow. 502 00:18:22,103 --> 00:18:24,474 But the thing I love most about you 503 00:18:24,542 --> 00:18:29,318 is your unique ability... to be there for us 504 00:18:29,351 --> 00:18:31,888 without us knowing it. You support us. 505 00:18:31,889 --> 00:18:35,664 You make us feel like we're doin' it all on our own. 506 00:18:35,731 --> 00:18:40,741 You're the sky, the moon, the grass. 507 00:18:40,807 --> 00:18:42,611 You don't demand attention. 508 00:18:42,678 --> 00:18:45,382 But nothing would be the same without you. 509 00:18:45,416 --> 00:18:47,621 My life wouldn't be the same without you. 510 00:18:47,654 --> 00:18:52,230 So, uh, let's all... raise our glasses to Abe. 511 00:18:55,604 --> 00:18:58,643 - Is that okay? - Thank you for that. Okay? 512 00:18:58,710 --> 00:19:00,180 - To this. - Yeah. 513 00:19:00,246 --> 00:19:02,150 Yeah. 514 00:19:02,184 --> 00:19:04,387 Ooh, biryani. Yes. 515 00:19:04,421 --> 00:19:07,060 The Aloo Gobi, LoGo. 516 00:19:07,126 --> 00:19:09,030 - Careful with that. Hop-hop. - All right. 517 00:19:09,063 --> 00:19:11,101 - I'll get better at it. - Okay. 518 00:19:11,134 --> 00:19:12,336 All right, look, Celeste, 519 00:19:12,403 --> 00:19:14,140 I know things have been a little tricky for us. 520 00:19:14,207 --> 00:19:15,844 And I know we've been talking a lot about, 521 00:19:15,877 --> 00:19:18,583 um, whether a future together makes sense, right? 522 00:19:18,650 --> 00:19:22,090 And, um, after that toast, it just confirmed it. 523 00:19:22,123 --> 00:19:25,730 I mean, you understand me more than I was sure of before. 524 00:19:25,797 --> 00:19:28,770 - And so I-I know that-- - I didn't write the toast. 525 00:19:28,837 --> 00:19:33,311 Or... plan this magical night. Maggie did. 526 00:19:33,378 --> 00:19:35,383 - Wait. Maggie? - I'm so sorry. 527 00:19:35,449 --> 00:19:37,420 I know that I messed up, 528 00:19:37,454 --> 00:19:38,690 and I wanted to make it right, 529 00:19:38,757 --> 00:19:41,529 but I-I didn't really know where to start. 530 00:19:41,562 --> 00:19:45,336 And I've just been having such a hard time. 531 00:19:45,403 --> 00:19:48,175 Hm. 532 00:19:48,208 --> 00:19:49,745 - Yeah. - Yeah. 533 00:19:51,549 --> 00:19:53,586 It shouldn't be this much work. 534 00:19:54,956 --> 00:19:56,458 No. 535 00:19:56,559 --> 00:19:57,828 No one could say we didn't try. 536 00:19:57,862 --> 00:19:58,864 We tried so hard. 537 00:19:58,930 --> 00:20:00,801 I mean, we wore those marriage counselors out, 538 00:20:00,868 --> 00:20:04,908 but it feels like you and me both know it's over. 539 00:20:04,909 --> 00:20:05,977 Hm. 540 00:20:06,077 --> 00:20:09,552 And I've always been bothered by that one bowl system. 541 00:20:09,618 --> 00:20:11,355 I-I think it's normal to have 12 bowls. 542 00:20:11,388 --> 00:20:13,258 Okay, what are you gonna do, invite 11 people over 543 00:20:13,325 --> 00:20:16,633 - for a cereal party? - I'd like to have the option. 544 00:20:19,738 --> 00:20:23,211 - Seriously, Maggie? - Ooh, wee! 545 00:20:23,245 --> 00:20:25,584 "The sky, the grass, the moon." 546 00:20:25,617 --> 00:20:28,589 Wait, so that's how you feel about Shah? 547 00:20:29,457 --> 00:20:31,161 I would have delivered it better. 548 00:20:32,831 --> 00:20:34,902 Yeah. 549 00:20:35,670 --> 00:20:37,675 Yo. 550 00:20:37,741 --> 00:20:40,881 Dead Sea Scrolls has Goliath at 6'6. 551 00:20:40,914 --> 00:20:43,753 David about to cook this fool for real. 552 00:20:43,820 --> 00:20:45,122 Okay. 553 00:20:45,189 --> 00:20:46,692 He's gonna get cooked, yo. 554 00:20:50,934 --> 00:20:53,472 How does one explain this to a layman? 555 00:20:53,540 --> 00:20:55,409 - So there are talking animals. - Right. 556 00:20:55,442 --> 00:20:57,781 And a talking bush. And talking people. 557 00:20:57,848 --> 00:20:59,985 But a lot of books have that, right? 558 00:21:00,019 --> 00:21:01,488 But this book... 559 00:21:01,522 --> 00:21:02,758 CIA agent, Rick Silver. 560 00:21:02,791 --> 00:21:04,361 - Oh, my God, you came. - What's up? 561 00:21:04,394 --> 00:21:05,830 Oh, my God. 562 00:21:05,864 --> 00:21:08,603 Babe, I am so glad you Facebook messaged my mom. 563 00:21:08,670 --> 00:21:10,072 - Well. - I haven't been able to stop 564 00:21:10,139 --> 00:21:11,509 - thinkin' about you. I just-- - Okay, 565 00:21:11,576 --> 00:21:14,114 I stopped listening after "babe." Come here. 566 00:21:14,147 --> 00:21:17,386 - Mmm. - Oh, so reliably hot. 567 00:21:17,420 --> 00:21:18,656 - I know, and you are too. - Right. 568 00:21:18,690 --> 00:21:21,695 - You are too, you are too. - Stop! 569 00:21:23,331 --> 00:21:25,336 Hey, um, has anyone seen Maggie? 570 00:21:25,436 --> 00:21:27,206 Yes, everybody's seen Maggie. 571 00:21:27,240 --> 00:21:30,345 Over there with the worst ex-boyfriend to ever do it. 572 00:21:32,684 --> 00:21:34,321 He's like glitter from a strip club. 573 00:21:34,354 --> 00:21:35,723 Impossible to get rid of. 574 00:21:35,790 --> 00:21:38,061 It's going so well.