- Hey. - Colonel.
Are you considering my suggestion to
transfer to a different base?
No, I just remembered that I-I left a knife
behind the toilet.
Oh, I found it when I was putting mine there.
Come on in, I'll get it for ya.
Yeah. I just hate getting caught with my pants down.
Especially when my pants are down.
- Ah, thank you. Yeah. - Mm-hmm.
I have a feeling you're here for more than a knife.
I have ways of making you talk.
Very nice. Yeah.
- Oh, I like these glasses. - Mm-hmm, thanks.
You know, I had a feeling you'd knock on my door.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
Did you know that I am the first woman
in the Canadian Army to see combat.
- I know. - And the first woman...
to ever lead NATO?
I know. NATO me, baby.
But I will not be the first woman to fall
for some half-assed sexual harassment trap.
You're in my chain of command.
Go any further could be the cause for my dismissal.
Okay, I-I had one card to play, and I played it all right.
Really? Because I found a brick of marijuana
when I was hiding the pantry knife.
Pantry knife?
Everybody knows you don't hide a knife in the pantry.
You hide a gun.
What is this?
Forget it, Scraps. She found the drugs we planted.
- Bye. - Mm-hmm.
It's a vote of confidence that General Martin
is letting me help mediate the situation between you two.
Mediators. They're like the refs of real life,
except they have no whistles, no power,
and no purpose.
You wanted me to work with Martin...
- so that I can help, right? - Mm-hmm.
Well, you have got to meet me halfway.
Colonel. I see you're still in my office.
- Our office. - I would like to start...
by thanking you for this opportunity.
I believe that we can find a fair solution today.
That doesn't involve a sex trap?
Your loss.
I am willing to offer a few fair solutions.
Number one, we could transfer him to a different army base,
or he can continue to work here
under my command but with minimal contact.
I prepare what I consider to be a very reasonable counteroffer.
Oh, I can't wait. I...
- You could just skip. - No.
"Go back to hell, you succubus demon."
Is it too much to ask for her to hold the crucifix...
- and just see if it burns? - Oh, my...
You know what? I've changed my mind.
- Did you move the table? - No.
Yes, you did. Because that's my heart medication.
Mmm, what's it for? Growing a heart?
- You're such a baby. - I'm the baby?
- You're the baby. - You are being a baby.
I'm not... She's being the baby.
Dumbest hats in NATO, Italy.
Yeah, it's giving Peter Pan,
but Britain literally has a feather in their cap.
How am I supposed to take you seriously?
I like the feathers in the caps.
Shut up, Gideon. That's not the stance we've taken.
I was just giving...
Uh, have you guys seen Shah around?
Yeah. The colonel has him working part time
'cause he's still in denial about his retirement.
Yeah, I really need to talk to him 'cause I-I...
haven't seen him since, um, since the...
- Break up? Girl, just say it. - Okay, since the break-up.
And I mean, between the divorce and the retirement,
the man is having a well-earned midlife crisis.
Mahalo. Who wants scratch offs?
There you go. Love that feather.
What's up, Pool Bros? How you guys doing? Scratch offs?
- Get that money. - There we go.
- Scratch it. - We'll scratch it.
Uh, I didn't get any.
- Maggie? - Abe?
Actually, while I'm waiting for my DD214
I ventured this new phase of my life called "freedom."
So I'm going by AB.
It's a little nickname I'm trying out.
- Is that a soul patch? - Mm-hmm.
I love AB, he's like 1000 times more awesome than the major.
Hey, Maggie, you should dump Gideon next.
- Maybe he'll finally be cool. - I'd love that.
Uh, look Abe. Uh, AB.
I've been thinking about it a lot and I'm ready to talk.
So maybe you guys could give us a...
Yeah, you know what? We should leave
these nice people to their drama.
Hey, hey, hey. No need, No need.
'Cause there is no drama. We're copacetic. We are good.
We're so good. We're all good. You're good.
I'm good. You're good. You're good. What's up? What's up?
- Am I good? - Mm. You're good.
- Cool. - Okay, uh, what is happening?
'Cause, you-you know, you've been retired for a week.
Yeah, But when I do something, I go all in.
I checked out, like, 40 books from the library,
all about the rules of freedom. I even watched
the Matthew McConaughey master class,
and he helped me realize that everything is gonna be
all right. All right.
- All right. - All right.
- Now you're gettin' it. - Okay.
Specialist Gideon, have you cleaned my battle tank before?
- No, but I'm excited. - Okay, listen.
Military uses a very highly toxic fluid,
so don't let it get on your skin
'cause, well, it could kill you.
Hey, wait a minute. Where's my tank?
What? Where is it?
Sir, the highly toxic fluid is melting my shoes.
Sshh. I'm trying to hear the alarm.
Will you help me put my mask on?
Too late for that. I got to find my tank.
Oh, man, that's going through fast.
Where's my beautiful tank? Where is Rosalita?
You mean my new compressed metal night stand?
You know what? Cube up everything I love.
What about your people? Because I just found 200 fake handbags
that I'm eager to talk to Sergeant Conway about.
And I realized Corporal Papadakis
has personal grooming that does not fit army protocol,
and I might have to take a razor to...
- that head of his. - Oh, it's not really necessary.
Papadakis believes that his mustache
is a Samson's situation.
You know, like his IT skills come
from the 11 hairs on his lip.
That's up to your father. You see, tomorrow,
the NATO selection board is gonna
rubber stamp me as the new head of this base,
and I'm gonna have to make some
really tough personnel decisions.
No. No, not the pool table!
Oh, they're taking it away.
I need a compressed night stand for the other side of my bed.
Colonel! Where is the colonel?
- Hey. Listen, I have a plan. - Hey.
Are you making Molotov cocktails?
Technically, they're not Molotov cocktails
unless you light 'em. And I am gonna light 'em.
So yeah, technically, I guess they are.
Okay, just... I was wrong. There is no meeting Martin...
- in the middle. - I am.
So if we want to take Stroopsdorf back,
we're gonna have to fight fire with fire.
- Right. - Metaphorical fire.
Real fire's so much better.
Dad, all I have asked of you
since you've come to this base is to trust me. Okay?
So can you do that? For once, can you just trust me?
- Okay. - Okay, so in Brussels,
the NATO selection committee is meeting--
It's everything I hate in one sentence. Okay, go ahead.
While you were making Molotov cocktails...
- I was making lanyards. - Oh.
Because if we can't beat 'em, you are gonna join 'em.
You know, it is such an honor to be in the running
to lead NATO's newest base, even if I'm the only candidate.
Actually, so of this morning, there is another one.
Maybe you know him.
I mean, I think I'm the perfect person
to run your peacekeeping force because
I've used force to keep the peace for so long.
What do you doing? You hate peace.
I love peace now. I've come around,
'cause I realize how I can use it to destroy my enemies.
Peace out.
What I want to know is who selects the selection board?
'Cause you guys clean up great.
You guys are looking awesome.
This wasn't your father's idea, major.
You did this.
Couldn't let you fire my friends.
Well, ahem, when I get the job, it'll be bad for you,
your buddies and whatever Jan is to you.
A work compatriot who I've accidentally...
- seen naked four times. - Oh.
And, uh, you have to get the job first.
Look at him, he's already self-destructing.
But look at the bright side.
I mean, nuclear winter means more ice time
for all the hockey players from Finland.
You guys could take over the National Hockey League.
Guys.
Okay, party gang.
A round of blue zombies to usher in your freedom.
Welcome to the good life.
You know, these are kind of my thing now.
Rum and food coloring. They look like Windex,
but they taste... like Windex that's gone very, very bad.
But it doesn't matter because I got
nothing ahead of me today except nothing.
- That was very cold. - There you guys are.
- What are you doing here? - There's like no time.
General Martin is gonna get rid of
everybody on the base when she takes it over.
- What? - Who is General Martin?
But I have a plan. I just need your help.
Of course, AB, you probably can't come
'cause you'll be manifesting relaxation on a meditation app.
Sam Elliott voices a bear called Sleepy Boo
that helps you take a nap in your mind.
- Fine. And, uh, for the rest... - Yeah.
of you, I will walk you through the plan on the way there.
- All right. - Hey. Hey. Hey.
Just curious, have you fully got up the logistics
and possible variations of this plan?
Why? Do you maybe want to join us for one last mission, AB?
On the day of my retirement, if movies have taught me anything,
that's when I'm most likely to be shot.
- So I'm in. Uh-huh. Um... - All right.
Ooh. Oh, didn't look like you needed that.
I didn't. And I have an immediate headache.
- Okay, let's go. Uh, Abe. - Okay. Yeah.
- But step one of the plan... - Uh-huh.
- Get rid of that. No. - Uh, too sexy.
Where have you been? I've been pretending to be Mr. Nice Guy
for the last 45 minutes.
I was getting reinforcements.
All right, team, here's the plan.
So every candidate has been asked to give
a presentation outlining how they would
lead the new NATO base.
Papadakis, I need your hacking skills.
War.
Oh, it's coming. Which is why we here at NATO believe
Stroopsdorf is essential to our...
Um... No.
Um, I did not use Comic Sans as a font.
Okay, this is my presentation, but a lot sillier.
Disrespectful.
Just look at the content, not the delivery.
Who attacked me?
Conway, the chairman loves wine,
so you need to get him something expensive
and impossible to find.
Chairman Muller, I hope you're a fan of Beaujolais,
because if you are, I've got a bottle so old
Jesus turned it into wine himself.
Oh, yeah, fine, thank you.
The colonel is way less prepared,
So his presentation has to be just old war stories.
Shah, help him pick a winner.
- A tale of two caves. - It's too angry.
How about the, uh, IED and the moped?
Too problematic and angry.
Why are all my stories too angry?
I don't know. Maybe nature and nurture.
Hey, what about the hoodless gangsters?
- Oh, that's a good one. - That's a good one.
Yeah, right?
So we're about to breach, right?
And, uh, you hear all these insurgents yelling
and screaming inside, so we knock the door down.
Guess what they're doing? They're watching
The Sopranos finale.
Thank you.
I had a 60 minute PowerPoint
and a recommendation letter written by
Boutros Boutros Ghali on his deathbed, but whatever.
Well, Mags, this was a great plan,
but I can't wait to get my base back
so I never have to talk to these NATO dorks ever again.
- Right? Yeah. - Yeah.
- Totally. - Yeah.
He knows that if he gets the job,
he's gonna have to deal with them all the time.
Yeah. No, I don't think he listened to my whole plan.
He's not a good listener.
Well, whether or not he's listening to me,
at least he's trusting me.
- Well, finally. - He's gotta trust someone.
Right? Now that you're, uh, you're leaving.
I have an announcement to make. The selection board is split,
so we are asking for a final statement from each candidate.
Thank you. Follow me. I'm a little drunk. Yeah.
General Martin, we will start with your statement.
Thank you, Chairman Mueller. You all know me.
You know my work.
Therefore, I've decided to yield my time to someone
who knows both myself and the colonel very well.
Surprise witness.
We should crush more bureaucratic meetings.
Are they all like this?
I'm General Gerald Davidson, and as Colonel Quinn's CO,
I have unique insights into his qualifications.
I'm sorry to say to the board
that all of you have been duped,
duped by Colonel Quinn
and his band of merry morons who have hacked
and schemed their way into this selection process.
But you don't have to take it from me.
It's best to hear it directly from his soldiers.
Sergeant Conway, Corporal Papadakis,
won't you join us?
Okay. Okay. Hey, everybody.
Should have gone with the firebombing.
Sergeant Conway. Before Colonel Quinn came to Stroopsdorf,
you often used military resources
to transport unauthorized items in violation of army code.
But Colonel Quinn put a stop to that. Correct?
The colonel is not aware of all of my operations.
Okay, that makes the colonel sound bad.
Corporal Papadakis, has Colonel Quinn
ever asked you to cut your hair?
Uh, yeah. I once woke up in the middle of the night
and he was hovering over me with scissors,
but I cried and he left me alone.
And what consequences did you face for your insubordination?
Well, one of the consequences of having hair like this is
I can't online date
because my inbox frickin' crashes.
What's up, North Macedonia?
Thank you. You're both dismissed.
Sorry.
The only officer of quality that I have ever seen
associate with Colonel Quinn is Major Shah,
who just abruptly retired. Major Shah, did you do so
for well thought out professional reasons?
No.
I did it for a woman, sir.
There you have it. Colonel Quinn poisons the best soldiers
and protects the worst. I rest my case.
Thank you, general. That was very enlightening.
Colonel, are you prepared to make your statement?
Yes, as a matter of fact, I am.
I have many things to say about General Davidson, but first,
I'm gonna need a translator who can say the word prostitute
in 29 different NATO languages.
Chairman, we're gonna need a moment with the colonel.
- Thank you. - Oh.
Do not take this bait.
I want to go out in a blaze of glory, metaphorically speaking,
because you wouldn't let me bring my Molotov cocktail.
Dad, you are better than this. I know that
you've grown as a person since coming to Stroopsdorf.
I know. But my enemies are gonna use that against me.
You think that caring is a weakness, but it is a strength.
Colonel Quinn, your statement.
General Davidson is right.
All the soldiers at my base are useless.
The soldiers, they're just too soft. And I should relieve them.
But I'm not going to because I'm soft, too.
That's what Stroopstorf does to people.
It makes you soft.
It's a terrible, terrible base.
You guys don't want this as a base.
The base has been decided.
We're not even talking about that.
Thank you, General Martin. But let him speak.
Thank you, chairman. Stroopstorf is terrible.
It's not centrally located.
All right, it doesn't have a working airfield.
If more than ten people take a shower at one time,
we run out of hot water. All people do at Stroopstorf
is-is-is eat cheese and have feelings.
That's all they do. I used to think that having feelings
was a sign of weakness, you know?
And now even I am finding myself having feelings.
And I'm eating cheese.
Is this not a nervous breakdown?
- I think so. - What's wrong with me?
I'll tell you what's wrong with me. Stroopsdorf.
It's taken away my edges.
That's why you don't want it. It's gonna ruin NATO.
It's gonna take off all the edges. You guys are gonna be
sitting around eating cheese and crying.
Is that what you want? No, you don't.
You want Baumholder. That's a real base.
What? No, Baumholder is my base.
Baumholder is a great base
'cause this man is leading them.
You could tell he's a real general.
Look at him, two stars. He knows what's going on,
and they got hot water for days.
Unless you don't want a centrally located base
in Germany, that's up to you guys.
All in favor tabling Stroopsdorf and considering Baumholder.
Yes!
Suck it, Davidson, sir.
Uh...
- Well played, Quinns. - It's nice to win.
- I know 'cause I always do. - Did you win?
'Cause it looks like I just got a bigger, better base.
Well, it looks like maybe you owe me one.
You know, it's, uh, too bad of your loving retirement
'cause you were great out there today.
- It was mostly you. - It was mostly me.
- It was mostly you. - But we make a very good team.
We do.
- Can I be honest? - Yes.
I'm not that into freedom of retirement.
- Right. - I like purpose, structure.
- A clean chin. - Mm-hmm.
I'm thinking about sticking around.
Sticking around Stroopsdorf?
I got everything I need here. It's where I'm happiest.
It's where everyone I care about is.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry that I ran away and I got scared and...
Look, I was moving way too fast.
I mean, I literally got divorced,
retired and then fell in love in like, a month.
I could see that could scare a person, right?
Yeah.
You know, I'm still really...
I'd like to see if this could work.
Yeah, me too.
- Great, great. - Great, great. Yeah.
We'll just take it slow
and start from the beginning.
That's a good idea. Yeah.
Hey, I'm Abe.
Hi, I'm Maggie.
- Can I get you a drink? - Yeah, just, uh, surprise me.
Oh, look, it's our returning best sexy man.
Hey.
- Now to give my boy a hero kiss. - No. No. No.
So you had your chance to leave the base and you biffed it?
Well, actually, it's the second time.
Because last year when I was blackmailing Davidson,
he offered me a transfer, I turned him down.
- Why? - Well, because of you.
And it's not what you think. I felt obligated
'cause you were such a mess last year at this time.
- You were a gigantic mess. - Uh-huh.
You're getting solved.
- Hey, surprise. - Oh, thank you.
- You're welcome. - That's great.
I think we need to make a toast
for our favorite war daddy.
Okay, here is to Stroopsdorf.
To Stroopsdorf!
All right, wait for me.
Is that Papadakis?
Do I look like a real soldier now?
- Oh. - You guys don't like it?
Oh! What have I done?!
Papadakis has been in there for so long.
Do you think he's gona be okay?
I don't know. The man who cut his hair was a butcher.
- Oh, finally. - Oh, Jan.
Did you fix it?
I tried, but honestly, I've never seen anything like that.
The length of the hair just accentuated
his obvious lack of jawline.
The layers were just chaotic and cruel.
And you could have sent him to the Hague
because that middle part was a war crime.
Well, you have to do something. I have to work with him.
Did anybody think about me?
I cannot stare at that monstrosity every single day.
- Hey, hey, hey. - I did what I could.
The rest, you must leave up to God.
- Yeah. - Do you guys like it?
- Oh. - Looks better though, right?
Oh!
- I'm a monster. - Uh...
Why did I let the army bully me in a short hair?
Yeah, Scraps.
- Okay, we know, we all hate it. - Mm-hm.
We don't know that's for sure what he said.
Well, I heard it that time.
It's going so well.