1 00:00:01,314 --> 00:00:03,816 -[audience cheering] -♪ My friends all call me Casper ♪ 2 00:00:03,900 --> 00:00:07,654 ♪ 'Cause the sun don't ever shine on me ♪ 3 00:00:07,737 --> 00:00:10,198 ♪ Wanna be, I wanna be lonely ♪ 4 00:00:10,907 --> 00:00:12,700 ♪ Wanna be, I wanna be, yeah... ♪ 5 00:00:12,784 --> 00:00:15,745 [audience cheering] 6 00:00:15,828 --> 00:00:17,872 Thank you, Boston! 7 00:00:17,956 --> 00:00:21,209 -[applause] -Thank you! 8 00:00:23,586 --> 00:00:26,256 It is great to be here. I look good. 9 00:00:26,339 --> 00:00:28,007 [cheering] 10 00:00:28,091 --> 00:00:31,052 I don't know if you know, I'm normally a fat guy. 11 00:00:31,135 --> 00:00:34,222 But, since I've lost all this weight, now I'm just... 12 00:00:34,305 --> 00:00:36,683 -arrogant. -[laughter] 13 00:00:36,766 --> 00:00:40,311 And by the way, thin people, that's how we view you, 14 00:00:40,395 --> 00:00:42,272 as arrogant bastards. 15 00:00:42,355 --> 00:00:43,690 [laughter] 16 00:00:43,773 --> 00:00:45,733 I have lost weight. Since I've lost weight, 17 00:00:45,817 --> 00:00:48,444 I find I get two types of reactions. 18 00:00:48,528 --> 00:00:51,197 One group, these people, they won't even say anything to me. 19 00:00:51,281 --> 00:00:52,866 They'll just go up to my wife and ask, 20 00:00:52,949 --> 00:00:55,743 -[in high voice] "Is Jim okay?" -[laughter] 21 00:00:55,827 --> 00:00:57,453 [normal voice] Which sounds like concern, 22 00:00:57,537 --> 00:00:59,205 but I just hear judgment. 23 00:00:59,289 --> 00:01:01,708 'Cause to them, it's more likely that I'm sick 24 00:01:01,791 --> 00:01:04,294 than I would ever have any self-discipline. 25 00:01:04,377 --> 00:01:05,670 [laughter] 26 00:01:05,753 --> 00:01:08,965 [in high voice] "Well, obviously, Jim's not exercising and eating healthy. 27 00:01:09,048 --> 00:01:12,135 -He must have cancer." -[laughter] 28 00:01:12,218 --> 00:01:14,304 [normal] That's one group. 29 00:01:14,387 --> 00:01:16,639 The other group, these people will come up to me 30 00:01:16,723 --> 00:01:19,267 and accuse me of being on an appetite suppressant. They're like, 31 00:01:19,350 --> 00:01:22,854 [in low voice] "You're on Ozempic! Admit it! You're on Ozempic!" 32 00:01:22,937 --> 00:01:24,397 [normal] And I'm not, alright? 33 00:01:24,480 --> 00:01:26,316 I'm on a different one. 34 00:01:26,399 --> 00:01:28,067 [laughter, applause] 35 00:01:28,151 --> 00:01:30,278 I'm on Mounjaro, 36 00:01:30,361 --> 00:01:31,946 which is better, right? 37 00:01:32,030 --> 00:01:35,158 'Cause it sounds like an Italian restaurant. 38 00:01:35,241 --> 00:01:37,702 [gravelly voice] "Welcome to Mounjaro. 39 00:01:37,785 --> 00:01:39,954 "When you're here, you're not eatin' anything 40 00:01:40,038 --> 00:01:43,708 -'cause you're a fat ass. Yeah!" -[laughter] 41 00:01:43,791 --> 00:01:47,378 [normal] Now, I understand some people are against the appetite suppressants. 42 00:01:47,462 --> 00:01:49,714 You know, they're like, [nasal] "That's cheating. It's cheating." 43 00:01:49,797 --> 00:01:52,926 [normal] I'm not playing Major League baseball. 44 00:01:53,009 --> 00:01:55,929 I'm just a fat guy trying to not die. 45 00:01:56,012 --> 00:01:58,306 [nasal] "But it's not fair!" 46 00:01:58,389 --> 00:02:01,768 [normal] Yeah, neither is balding and being born with no pigmentation. 47 00:02:01,851 --> 00:02:03,478 [laughter] 48 00:02:03,561 --> 00:02:06,231 But I've learned to deal with it. 49 00:02:06,314 --> 00:02:08,650 This is an exciting time for me! 50 00:02:08,733 --> 00:02:11,861 I'm thin, I'm in my 30s... 51 00:02:11,945 --> 00:02:14,113 [audience laughing] 52 00:02:14,197 --> 00:02:16,407 It is crazy. Most of my adult life, 53 00:02:16,491 --> 00:02:18,451 I heard this constant internal monologue. 54 00:02:18,535 --> 00:02:21,412 [deep voice] "Jim, you gotta stop eating. Jim, you gotta control your impulses." 55 00:02:21,496 --> 00:02:24,207 [normal] And now, I know all I needed was a weekly shot 56 00:02:24,290 --> 00:02:26,626 that killed all the passion inside of me. 57 00:02:26,709 --> 00:02:29,671 [audience laughing] 58 00:02:29,754 --> 00:02:32,006 I've learned so much! 59 00:02:32,090 --> 00:02:35,176 I now understand thin people. You don't forget to eat. 60 00:02:35,260 --> 00:02:38,346 -You're dead inside. -[audience laughing] 61 00:02:39,389 --> 00:02:44,060 Life is about compromise! Sure, I may never feel true joy again 62 00:02:44,143 --> 00:02:48,731 but I can finally fit in my clothes that went out of style 30 years ago. 63 00:02:48,815 --> 00:02:50,775 So, it's not a bad deal. 64 00:02:51,526 --> 00:02:54,028 It's crazy. These appetite suppressants are a game changer. 65 00:02:54,112 --> 00:02:55,488 Here's what's gonna happen. 66 00:02:55,572 --> 00:02:57,866 All us fat people are gonna become thin. 67 00:02:57,949 --> 00:03:00,493 Then, we're gonna mix in with you thin bastards. 68 00:03:00,577 --> 00:03:02,704 -[scattered laughter] -And when you're not looking, 69 00:03:02,787 --> 00:03:06,082 -we're gonna eat you. -[loud laughter] 70 00:03:06,165 --> 00:03:08,334 Doesn't matter if we're hungry. We just like to eat. 71 00:03:08,418 --> 00:03:10,420 Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom! 72 00:03:13,256 --> 00:03:16,342 It is amazing how popular the appetite suppressants are, right? 73 00:03:16,426 --> 00:03:17,677 'Cause we live in this age of... 74 00:03:17,760 --> 00:03:19,929 [high voice] body positivity. 75 00:03:20,013 --> 00:03:22,640 Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes. 76 00:03:22,724 --> 00:03:24,475 [normal] Oh, this drug will make you not hungry. 77 00:03:24,559 --> 00:03:26,311 [high voice] Give it to me or I'll kill you. 78 00:03:26,394 --> 00:03:27,896 [audience laughing] 79 00:03:27,979 --> 00:03:32,567 I'm trying to enjoy being thin, you know, 'cause I know I'm gonna be fat again. 80 00:03:32,650 --> 00:03:34,861 -[laughter] -I mean... 81 00:03:34,944 --> 00:03:36,946 this is not sustainable. 82 00:03:37,030 --> 00:03:38,823 [laughter] 83 00:03:38,907 --> 00:03:40,909 This is the drug! 84 00:03:41,701 --> 00:03:44,370 This is like 99% Big Pharma, 85 00:03:44,454 --> 00:03:46,372 1% little Jim. 86 00:03:46,456 --> 00:03:49,500 -[laughter] -Right? I mean... 87 00:03:49,584 --> 00:03:52,462 -[applause] -Right? 88 00:03:52,545 --> 00:03:55,548 [audience cheering] 89 00:03:57,800 --> 00:04:00,929 Besides, I still got my fat clothes! 90 00:04:01,012 --> 00:04:03,473 -I'm not a fool. -[laughter] 91 00:04:03,556 --> 00:04:06,559 I see 'em hanging in my closet, taunting me. 92 00:04:07,101 --> 00:04:09,229 -[growls] -[laughter] 93 00:04:09,312 --> 00:04:11,564 [gravelly voice] "You'll be back! 94 00:04:11,648 --> 00:04:13,942 "You'll be wearin' me. 95 00:04:14,025 --> 00:04:17,237 "'Member that time you ate an entire pizza and told your wife it never came? 96 00:04:17,320 --> 00:04:19,447 -[growls] -[laughter] 97 00:04:19,531 --> 00:04:21,533 That's who you really are." 98 00:04:23,743 --> 00:04:26,412 [normal] The drug changes your attitude towards food. 99 00:04:26,496 --> 00:04:28,373 I now view McDonald's 100 00:04:28,456 --> 00:04:31,543 like some weird crush I had. I'm like... [scoffs], 101 00:04:31,626 --> 00:04:33,461 "I can't believe I was so into you. 102 00:04:33,545 --> 00:04:35,713 [audience laughing] 103 00:04:35,797 --> 00:04:38,508 Meet me at midnight, and please don't tell my wife." 104 00:04:40,134 --> 00:04:42,595 Appetite suppression wasn't even the intended use. 105 00:04:42,679 --> 00:04:45,348 The drug was created to help people with diabetes 106 00:04:45,431 --> 00:04:49,394 -or something stupid. -[audience laughing] 107 00:04:49,477 --> 00:04:53,106 But, once it got out that there was a diabetes medicine 108 00:04:53,189 --> 00:04:56,484 that made people not crave donuts, 109 00:04:56,568 --> 00:04:59,279 every fat person was like... [low voice] "I just got diabetes. 110 00:04:59,362 --> 00:05:00,613 [laughter] 111 00:05:00,697 --> 00:05:03,199 Oh, ah, my diabetes is kickin' in." 112 00:05:04,284 --> 00:05:07,161 [normal] It's not the first drug with a beneficial side effect, right? 113 00:05:07,245 --> 00:05:08,955 We know about Viagra, 114 00:05:09,038 --> 00:05:11,624 the contraceptive pill cures acne, 115 00:05:11,708 --> 00:05:14,294 and, of course, alcohol makes people attractive. 116 00:05:14,377 --> 00:05:16,421 [audience laughing] 117 00:05:16,504 --> 00:05:19,132 But it must be frustrating for these scientists 118 00:05:19,215 --> 00:05:21,801 that develop these life-changing drugs, 119 00:05:21,885 --> 00:05:24,053 and we fixate on a side effect. 120 00:05:24,137 --> 00:05:26,264 Like the people that created Viagra, 121 00:05:26,347 --> 00:05:28,808 they were probably so excited at that press conference. They're like, 122 00:05:28,892 --> 00:05:30,810 [smart voice] "Ah, ah, well, [laughs] 123 00:05:30,894 --> 00:05:34,856 "after decades of hard work, my team and I have developed this pill, 124 00:05:34,939 --> 00:05:38,776 "which will save the lives of men suffering from high blood pressure. 125 00:05:38,860 --> 00:05:41,946 "Now, uh, th-there are some minor side effects. 126 00:05:42,030 --> 00:05:43,990 "Uh, nausea, dizziness, 127 00:05:44,073 --> 00:05:47,535 -"uh, you get a huge boner, but... -[laughter] 128 00:05:47,619 --> 00:05:49,162 "But, most importantly, 129 00:05:49,245 --> 00:05:52,081 "this is a lifesaving blood pressure medicine. 130 00:05:52,165 --> 00:05:53,499 Any questions?" 131 00:05:53,583 --> 00:05:55,960 [dumb voice] "Uh, yeah, the boner part? 132 00:05:56,044 --> 00:05:58,087 [laughter] 133 00:05:58,171 --> 00:06:00,882 H-How long does the boner last?" 134 00:06:01,925 --> 00:06:05,261 [smart] "Well, th-that's not really important, but four hours." 135 00:06:05,345 --> 00:06:07,972 -[dumb] "Jesus Christ." -[laughter] 136 00:06:08,056 --> 00:06:10,767 [smart] "Uh, i-if we could focus on the fact 137 00:06:10,850 --> 00:06:14,520 that this is a life-saving blood pressure medicine." 138 00:06:14,604 --> 00:06:16,648 [dumb] "Uh, I got a blood pressure question. 139 00:06:16,731 --> 00:06:18,691 [audience laughs] 140 00:06:18,775 --> 00:06:22,237 "Say I had high blood pressure, and I was going on a date 141 00:06:23,154 --> 00:06:25,907 -"to, let's say, an orgy. -[laughter] 142 00:06:25,990 --> 00:06:28,368 "When would be the optimal time to take your boner pill-- 143 00:06:28,451 --> 00:06:30,745 I mean, blood pressure medicine?" 144 00:06:30,828 --> 00:06:33,248 [audience laughing] 145 00:06:33,331 --> 00:06:36,167 [normal] I'm sure there's some men in the audience who take Viagra, 146 00:06:36,251 --> 00:06:39,379 and by some, I mean every guy over the age of 40. 147 00:06:39,462 --> 00:06:40,463 [laughter] 148 00:06:40,547 --> 00:06:43,466 And, by the way, if you do take Viagra, you shouldn't be embarrassed. 149 00:06:43,550 --> 00:06:45,593 It doesn't mean you're not a man. It just means 150 00:06:45,677 --> 00:06:48,805 the body part that defines you as a man doesn't work. 151 00:06:48,888 --> 00:06:51,307 [audience laughing] 152 00:06:51,391 --> 00:06:53,768 You're like a eunuch, and they're manly! 153 00:06:53,851 --> 00:06:54,852 [audience member] Woo! 154 00:06:54,936 --> 00:06:57,939 Now, there are some men over the age of 40 who don't take Viagra, 155 00:06:58,022 --> 00:06:59,524 and they're called "celibate." 156 00:06:59,607 --> 00:07:01,484 [laughter] 157 00:07:01,568 --> 00:07:03,820 But heck, I've taken Viagra! 158 00:07:03,903 --> 00:07:05,738 You know, just for the high blood pressure. 159 00:07:05,822 --> 00:07:06,990 [laughter] 160 00:07:07,073 --> 00:07:08,700 And the articles. 161 00:07:08,783 --> 00:07:11,744 [laughter, applause] 162 00:07:11,828 --> 00:07:14,289 The articles are amazing. 163 00:07:14,372 --> 00:07:15,874 [cheering] 164 00:07:17,333 --> 00:07:20,336 We live in this age of incredible medical 165 00:07:20,420 --> 00:07:22,463 and technological advancement. 166 00:07:22,547 --> 00:07:24,716 I know people are worried about artificial intelligence. 167 00:07:24,799 --> 00:07:27,176 [deep voice] "AI's gonna take over. AI's gonna take over." 168 00:07:27,260 --> 00:07:29,262 -[normal] I hope so. -[laughter] 169 00:07:29,345 --> 00:07:30,972 I'm exhausted! 170 00:07:32,140 --> 00:07:35,852 I feel like my intelligence has taken me as far as I'm gonna get. 171 00:07:35,935 --> 00:07:37,604 [laughter] 172 00:07:37,687 --> 00:07:39,981 I need artificial intelligence. 173 00:07:40,064 --> 00:07:43,234 I was reading this article, "Will AI Take Over?" 174 00:07:43,318 --> 00:07:47,697 I was halfway through before I realized it wasn't about a guy named Al. 175 00:07:47,780 --> 00:07:51,034 -[audience laughing] -"Will Al Take Over." 176 00:07:51,117 --> 00:07:53,119 I thought it was about Al Roker. 177 00:07:54,245 --> 00:07:56,247 And his love of A1. 178 00:07:58,374 --> 00:08:01,127 -[soft voice] "Jim, that's a dumb joke." -[laughter] 179 00:08:01,211 --> 00:08:04,047 [normal] I feel like most of the technological advancements 180 00:08:04,130 --> 00:08:05,715 are wasted on me. You know, like, 181 00:08:05,798 --> 00:08:09,093 I still struggle with Wi-Fi passwords. 182 00:08:09,177 --> 00:08:12,180 Like, even if the password's written down right in front of me, I'm like, 183 00:08:12,263 --> 00:08:14,265 "I'm probably not gonna be able to do this." 184 00:08:14,349 --> 00:08:16,184 [laughter] 185 00:08:16,267 --> 00:08:18,770 It's just like six or eight letters or numbers, 186 00:08:18,853 --> 00:08:21,856 and I feel like I'm taking the SATs. I'm like... [scoffs], 187 00:08:21,940 --> 00:08:24,692 -"I-I need more time. -[laughter] 188 00:08:24,776 --> 00:08:27,654 [sighs] I shoulda slept better last night." 189 00:08:29,405 --> 00:08:32,408 You ever have someone tell you a Wi-Fi password? 190 00:08:32,492 --> 00:08:34,702 "Oh, our Wi-Fi password, it's super easy. 191 00:08:34,786 --> 00:08:36,955 "It's just beagle, all lowercase. 192 00:08:37,038 --> 00:08:40,416 And the E's a three, and the G's an eight, and the last E's an F." 193 00:08:40,500 --> 00:08:42,669 [audience laughing] 194 00:08:42,752 --> 00:08:45,672 Uh, yeah, but h-how do you spell beagle? 195 00:08:45,755 --> 00:08:49,467 [laughter, applause] 196 00:08:51,886 --> 00:08:54,389 Technology is getting more complicated. 197 00:08:54,472 --> 00:08:55,890 I miss the simpler times. 198 00:08:55,974 --> 00:08:59,394 Like, remember when you used to be able to choose your own password? 199 00:08:59,477 --> 00:09:01,229 'Cause now, you have to get approval, 200 00:09:01,312 --> 00:09:02,939 and they always kinda give you an attitude, like, 201 00:09:03,022 --> 00:09:05,567 [tough voice] "Yeah, that password's not strong enough. 202 00:09:05,650 --> 00:09:07,318 [laughter] 203 00:09:07,402 --> 00:09:09,362 That password's very weak." 204 00:09:10,613 --> 00:09:12,615 [normal] You're like, "I don't care. Just use it." 205 00:09:12,699 --> 00:09:13,867 [laughter] 206 00:09:13,950 --> 00:09:17,579 [tough] "Nah, I don't accept that password. Pick another one." 207 00:09:17,662 --> 00:09:19,372 [normal] So, you put in a password. They're like, 208 00:09:19,455 --> 00:09:22,375 [tough voice] "Yeah, that password's too easy to guess." 209 00:09:22,458 --> 00:09:24,836 [normal] That's 'cause you just saw me type it in. 210 00:09:24,919 --> 00:09:27,046 [laughter] 211 00:09:27,130 --> 00:09:28,423 [tough] "Eh, pick another one. 212 00:09:28,506 --> 00:09:30,466 Yeah, you already used that password. Pick another one." 213 00:09:30,550 --> 00:09:33,636 [normal] I get writer's block when it comes to passwords. 214 00:09:33,720 --> 00:09:35,513 [tough] "Pick another one." [normal] I-I think I'm out. 215 00:09:35,597 --> 00:09:38,099 I already used my birthday. I don't have any more. 216 00:09:38,182 --> 00:09:39,392 [laughter] 217 00:09:39,475 --> 00:09:42,729 The criteria for passwords is ridiculous. 218 00:09:42,812 --> 00:09:45,106 [tough] "Now, your password must have a capital letter, a number, 219 00:09:45,190 --> 00:09:48,193 a character, a rabbit's foot, something your mom wore at her wedding." 220 00:09:48,276 --> 00:09:50,278 [audience laughing] 221 00:09:51,070 --> 00:09:54,532 Sometimes, they offer a password. That's kind of humiliating. 222 00:09:55,241 --> 00:09:58,036 [tough voice] "Hey, dummy, you want us to just give you a password?" 223 00:09:58,119 --> 00:09:59,245 [laughter] 224 00:09:59,329 --> 00:10:02,332 [normal] Doesn't that defeat the whole point? 225 00:10:02,415 --> 00:10:05,710 -[tough] "Well, we won't tell anyone. -[audience laughing] 226 00:10:05,793 --> 00:10:08,379 "You can trust us. We're a faceless algorithm 227 00:10:08,463 --> 00:10:10,882 "created by a multinational corporation. 228 00:10:10,965 --> 00:10:12,091 [laughter] 229 00:10:12,175 --> 00:10:14,969 -We won't share your password." -[applause] 230 00:10:15,053 --> 00:10:17,555 [normal] Wh-Why-- Are you winking? 231 00:10:17,639 --> 00:10:21,392 [tough] "No, no, no, I just got some dust in my AI." 232 00:10:21,476 --> 00:10:24,479 [audience laughing] 233 00:10:24,562 --> 00:10:28,191 [applause, cheering] 234 00:10:28,274 --> 00:10:30,902 I've let them pick my password. You ever do that? 235 00:10:30,985 --> 00:10:34,322 Their password just looks like they let a cat walk on a keyboard. 236 00:10:34,405 --> 00:10:36,157 [laughter] 237 00:10:36,241 --> 00:10:37,951 Well, I coulda come up with that. 238 00:10:38,034 --> 00:10:41,120 [tough voice] "Yeah, but you didn't, did you, dummy?" 239 00:10:41,204 --> 00:10:43,289 [normal] Well, I-I'm never gonna be able to remember that. 240 00:10:43,373 --> 00:10:46,292 [tough] "Well, we'll remember it for you, dumbass! 241 00:10:47,293 --> 00:10:50,046 You just let us know when you need it." 242 00:10:50,129 --> 00:10:52,173 [normal] W-Well, can I have it now? [tough] "No! 243 00:10:52,257 --> 00:10:53,633 [laughter] 244 00:10:53,716 --> 00:10:55,760 We don't know, you might be a robot." 245 00:10:57,095 --> 00:10:59,138 [normal] Wait, aren't you a robot? 246 00:10:59,222 --> 00:11:01,599 [tough] "Yeah, but you don't know that. You're so dumb." 247 00:11:02,976 --> 00:11:04,936 [normal] You ever forget your password, 248 00:11:05,019 --> 00:11:07,730 and they make you take that quiz with the photos? 249 00:11:08,481 --> 00:11:11,150 [tough voice] "Hey, idiot! You see a stoplight in any of these photos?!" 250 00:11:11,234 --> 00:11:12,318 [laughter] 251 00:11:12,402 --> 00:11:15,613 [normal] For a second, you're like, w-wait, what's a stoplight again? 252 00:11:15,697 --> 00:11:17,240 I always overthink it, and I'm like, 253 00:11:17,323 --> 00:11:19,951 well, that pole could be connected to a stoplight. 254 00:11:20,034 --> 00:11:22,120 [laughter, applause] 255 00:11:22,203 --> 00:11:24,205 Is there partial credit? 256 00:11:25,206 --> 00:11:27,750 I usually just guess, but when I get it right, I'm like, 257 00:11:27,834 --> 00:11:31,337 -I'm good at the stoplight game. -[laughter] 258 00:11:31,421 --> 00:11:34,424 Made it to the next level. Now, I'm allowed to check my own email. 259 00:11:34,507 --> 00:11:36,092 [laughter] 260 00:11:37,010 --> 00:11:39,721 They're so condescending to us. 261 00:11:39,804 --> 00:11:41,931 [condescending voice] "You accept these cookies?" 262 00:11:42,015 --> 00:11:44,142 -[normal] Cookies? -[laughter] 263 00:11:44,225 --> 00:11:45,226 You know someone was like, 264 00:11:45,310 --> 00:11:47,312 [gravelly voice] "Just tell the idiots they're cookies." 265 00:11:47,896 --> 00:11:50,315 [normal] And we're like, "Cookies? I like cookies. 266 00:11:51,232 --> 00:11:53,484 "I'm gonna accept all the cookies. 267 00:11:53,568 --> 00:11:55,737 Can I accept milk with the cookies?" 268 00:11:56,362 --> 00:11:57,780 They present it like it's a gift. 269 00:11:57,864 --> 00:11:59,949 [condescending] "Do you accept these cookies?" 270 00:12:00,033 --> 00:12:02,410 [dumb voice] "Well, gosh, I don't wanna be rude." 271 00:12:03,411 --> 00:12:05,330 [condescending] "The polite thing is to accept the cookies 272 00:12:05,413 --> 00:12:07,790 and let us track your internet activity." 273 00:12:08,666 --> 00:12:11,794 -[dumb] "As long as I get them cookies." -[audience laughing] 274 00:12:12,921 --> 00:12:15,256 We're so accepting of all of it. 275 00:12:15,340 --> 00:12:17,091 You ever been in a conversation with someone 276 00:12:17,175 --> 00:12:19,594 where you're talking about a vacation destination, 277 00:12:19,677 --> 00:12:22,263 and then, the next time you're online, you start seeing ads 278 00:12:22,347 --> 00:12:24,015 -for that destination? -[audience member] Yeah. 279 00:12:24,098 --> 00:12:27,977 And instead of being outraged that your privacy was obviously invaded, 280 00:12:28,061 --> 00:12:29,687 you just book the trip. 281 00:12:29,771 --> 00:12:31,564 [audience laughing] 282 00:12:31,648 --> 00:12:34,651 "Looks like we're going to Mexico!" [oafish laughter] 283 00:12:36,861 --> 00:12:40,031 I'm convinced technology's making us delusional. 284 00:12:40,114 --> 00:12:42,283 The way everyone talks about going to Mars now, it's like, 285 00:12:42,367 --> 00:12:43,535 [dumb voice] "We're going to Mars! 286 00:12:43,618 --> 00:12:46,037 We're going to Mars! I can't wait to go to Mars!" 287 00:12:46,120 --> 00:12:48,498 [normal] I don't think they were talking about you. 288 00:12:48,581 --> 00:12:50,375 [laughter] 289 00:12:50,458 --> 00:12:53,336 Why do you think you're going to Mars? You haven't been to Minnesota. 290 00:12:54,921 --> 00:12:56,923 They weren't inviting us. 291 00:12:57,006 --> 00:12:59,801 I'm pretty sure they were just bragging. 292 00:12:59,884 --> 00:13:02,804 Jeff Bezos did take his brother to outer space. 293 00:13:02,887 --> 00:13:04,430 I have three brothers, 294 00:13:04,514 --> 00:13:06,516 and I don't even wanna buy them dinner. 295 00:13:06,599 --> 00:13:08,142 [laughter] 296 00:13:08,226 --> 00:13:11,396 I appreciate the optimism, but are we going to Mars? 297 00:13:11,479 --> 00:13:14,691 We put a man on the moon 54 years ago. 298 00:13:14,774 --> 00:13:17,277 And you know how many times we put a man on the moon after that? 299 00:13:17,360 --> 00:13:19,237 Zero. You know why? 300 00:13:19,320 --> 00:13:21,614 'Cause we never put a man on the moon. 301 00:13:21,698 --> 00:13:23,741 [audience laughing] 302 00:13:23,825 --> 00:13:25,451 I don't know. I don't know. 303 00:13:25,535 --> 00:13:26,911 [laughter] 304 00:13:26,995 --> 00:13:28,788 I don't know, maybe we put a man on the moon. 305 00:13:28,872 --> 00:13:31,165 I don't know. Maybe we're going to Mars. Honestly, 306 00:13:31,249 --> 00:13:33,751 I-I don't know how a microwave works. 307 00:13:33,835 --> 00:13:35,128 [laughter] 308 00:13:35,211 --> 00:13:37,964 Like, if someone put a gun to my head, and they're like, "Explain the microwave!" 309 00:13:38,047 --> 00:13:39,674 -I'd be like, "Ah! -[laughter] 310 00:13:39,757 --> 00:13:43,219 "A light turns on. It rotates. 311 00:13:43,303 --> 00:13:46,306 "When the bell rings, your hot dog's done. 312 00:13:46,973 --> 00:13:49,767 -Is that close?" -[laughter] 313 00:13:49,851 --> 00:13:52,729 There is so much I don't know. 314 00:13:52,812 --> 00:13:55,982 Most of the time, I don't even feel like an adult. 315 00:13:56,065 --> 00:13:59,652 I still don't feel comfortable buying shoes in a store. 316 00:13:59,736 --> 00:14:01,487 Shoes are the only clothing 317 00:14:01,571 --> 00:14:04,741 we let an absolute stranger put on us. 318 00:14:04,824 --> 00:14:06,701 You'd never go up to a salesperson, 319 00:14:06,784 --> 00:14:10,163 -"Will you put these pants on me? -[laughter] 320 00:14:10,246 --> 00:14:12,248 Wh-Where are you going?" 321 00:14:12,665 --> 00:14:15,627 Yet, when we buy shoes, we become helpless. 322 00:14:15,710 --> 00:14:18,171 We just sit down and we're like, [grumbles] 323 00:14:18,254 --> 00:14:21,132 -"You do it. -[laughter] 324 00:14:21,216 --> 00:14:24,052 My mommy's not here, so you have to do it." 325 00:14:25,762 --> 00:14:29,182 And we know nothing about these people putting shoes on our feet. 326 00:14:29,265 --> 00:14:31,226 There's no background check. 327 00:14:31,309 --> 00:14:34,812 All we know is they like to work with stranger's feet. 328 00:14:36,272 --> 00:14:38,191 Everything they say is kinda creepy. 329 00:14:38,274 --> 00:14:40,902 -[creepy voice] "How do they feel?" -[laughter] 330 00:14:40,985 --> 00:14:42,737 [normal] "Excuse me?" 331 00:14:42,820 --> 00:14:45,031 -[creepy] "Are they tight?" -[laughter] 332 00:14:45,114 --> 00:14:47,242 [normal] "I-I beg your pardon?" 333 00:14:47,325 --> 00:14:49,327 [creepy] "Is that your big toe?" 334 00:14:49,410 --> 00:14:50,995 [laughter] 335 00:14:51,079 --> 00:14:53,373 [normal] "How dare you." 336 00:14:53,456 --> 00:14:55,250 [creepy] "Why don't you walk around the store, 337 00:14:55,333 --> 00:14:57,544 show me how cute you look in that outfit?" 338 00:14:58,753 --> 00:15:00,463 [normal] "Well, since you asked nicely." 339 00:15:00,547 --> 00:15:03,508 [audience laughing] 340 00:15:03,591 --> 00:15:04,968 I've decided 341 00:15:05,051 --> 00:15:08,471 I'm gonna stop acting like I understand things I know nothing about. 342 00:15:09,264 --> 00:15:12,225 Like the stock market. When they talk about the stock market in the news like, 343 00:15:12,308 --> 00:15:15,937 [gravelly] "The stock market today, rah rah rah rah rah rah!" 344 00:15:16,020 --> 00:15:17,605 [normal] I normally go, "Oh, that's interesting." 345 00:15:17,689 --> 00:15:20,984 On the inside, I'm like, [dumb] "Duh! 346 00:15:21,067 --> 00:15:23,778 Stock market, duh..." 347 00:15:25,655 --> 00:15:27,532 [normal] The saddest part of that, in college, 348 00:15:27,615 --> 00:15:30,159 -I majored in finance. -[laughter] 349 00:15:30,243 --> 00:15:32,954 -[applause] -I did. I really did. [laughs] 350 00:15:34,330 --> 00:15:37,125 Four years, 80,000 [dumb] dollars! 351 00:15:37,208 --> 00:15:39,002 [laughter] 352 00:15:39,085 --> 00:15:41,754 [normal] I'm so glad this is what I do for a living. 353 00:15:41,838 --> 00:15:45,550 But, I tell you, the pandemic... the pandemic did reveal 354 00:15:45,633 --> 00:15:48,386 how important your occupation is to society. 355 00:15:48,469 --> 00:15:50,513 And let's just say stand-up comedian, 356 00:15:50,597 --> 00:15:53,016 -not essential. -[laughter] 357 00:15:53,099 --> 00:15:55,602 Not even sential. 358 00:15:55,685 --> 00:15:58,688 They opened up strip clubs before they let us tell a joke. 359 00:15:59,522 --> 00:16:03,318 "Stay over there, funny people. Ladies, welcome back." 360 00:16:03,401 --> 00:16:05,570 [audience laughing] 361 00:16:05,653 --> 00:16:09,282 It didn't surprise me! There isn't a time in history 362 00:16:09,365 --> 00:16:11,284 when I think I would've been useful. 363 00:16:11,367 --> 00:16:13,119 Even in an initial civilization. 364 00:16:13,203 --> 00:16:15,663 "We need someone to gather water, someone to build housing. 365 00:16:15,747 --> 00:16:17,290 Jim, how could you help?" 366 00:16:17,373 --> 00:16:19,334 "Uh, I can make fun of those people." 367 00:16:19,417 --> 00:16:21,878 [audience laughing] 368 00:16:22,921 --> 00:16:25,381 It's weird. I work in the entertainment industry, 369 00:16:25,465 --> 00:16:28,092 and I understand there's a commonly held belief 370 00:16:28,176 --> 00:16:31,429 that people that work in show business are narcissists, 371 00:16:31,512 --> 00:16:34,974 that are grossly overpaid for unimportant jobs, but, believe me, 372 00:16:35,558 --> 00:16:38,645 -it's amazing. -[laughter, applause] 373 00:16:39,312 --> 00:16:42,023 It is a sweet gig. 374 00:16:42,106 --> 00:16:45,109 [applause, cheering] 375 00:16:46,486 --> 00:16:49,614 Of course, there are some people in the entertainment industry 376 00:16:49,697 --> 00:16:52,408 that have unique skills that are properly compensated. 377 00:16:52,492 --> 00:16:55,745 I'm talking about once-in-a-generation talents, right? 378 00:16:55,828 --> 00:16:58,122 You know, someone like Pat Sajak. 379 00:16:58,206 --> 00:16:59,916 [laughter] 380 00:16:59,999 --> 00:17:01,918 Former host of Wheel of Fortune. 381 00:17:02,001 --> 00:17:04,504 Was there anything Pat Sajak couldn't do? 382 00:17:05,463 --> 00:17:08,174 Think about this. He was the host of Wheel of Fortune... 383 00:17:09,092 --> 00:17:10,176 [inhales] 384 00:17:10,260 --> 00:17:13,263 [audience laughing] 385 00:17:14,222 --> 00:17:16,808 He was like a Renaissance man. 386 00:17:16,891 --> 00:17:19,143 I'm sure Pat Sajak's a good guy. 387 00:17:19,227 --> 00:17:21,604 And I love Wheel of Fortune, and I'm not even 80. 388 00:17:21,688 --> 00:17:23,481 -[laughter] -I love Wheel of Fortune. 389 00:17:23,565 --> 00:17:26,985 So when he announced his retirement, I was kinda bummed, you know? 390 00:17:27,068 --> 00:17:29,487 And he seems like a good guy, so he probably gathered everyone 391 00:17:29,571 --> 00:17:31,656 from the Wheel of Fortune family together, and he was like, 392 00:17:31,739 --> 00:17:34,117 "I've been doing this for a couple decades, 393 00:17:34,200 --> 00:17:35,618 and I've decided to retire." 394 00:17:35,702 --> 00:17:38,037 I wish I was there 'cause if I was there, I woulda been like, 395 00:17:38,121 --> 00:17:40,123 "You know this isn't a real job, right? 396 00:17:40,206 --> 00:17:41,583 [laughter] 397 00:17:41,666 --> 00:17:44,669 "You don't get to retire from playing Hangman. 398 00:17:44,752 --> 00:17:47,005 [laughter] 399 00:17:47,088 --> 00:17:50,592 "The appropriate thing to do is to apologize 400 00:17:50,675 --> 00:17:53,386 and give back all the money." 401 00:17:53,469 --> 00:17:54,804 [laughter] 402 00:17:54,888 --> 00:17:58,099 'Cause Pat Sajak had a good gig. You know how much he made a year? 403 00:17:58,182 --> 00:18:01,311 -$17 million a year. -[audience gasps] 404 00:18:01,394 --> 00:18:04,189 Yeah, that could buy a couple vowels. 405 00:18:04,272 --> 00:18:05,773 [audience laughing] 406 00:18:05,857 --> 00:18:08,860 17 mill-- And he didn't even turn the letters! 407 00:18:09,861 --> 00:18:13,573 That was probably part of the negotiation. He's like, "I can't do everything!" 408 00:18:13,656 --> 00:18:15,533 [laughter] 409 00:18:15,617 --> 00:18:17,160 So, they got Vanna White. 410 00:18:17,243 --> 00:18:19,370 He made 17 million. Vanna made 3 million. 411 00:18:19,454 --> 00:18:21,539 I think we'd all agree, they both should make... 412 00:18:21,623 --> 00:18:23,917 -nothing. -[audience laughing] 413 00:18:24,667 --> 00:18:25,668 [Jim laughs] 414 00:18:27,587 --> 00:18:29,547 When he announced his retirement, were the producers like, 415 00:18:29,631 --> 00:18:31,174 "Oh, no! 416 00:18:31,257 --> 00:18:33,635 "This is awful. Where are we gonna find someone to say, 417 00:18:33,718 --> 00:18:36,679 'It's your turn to spin the wheel'?" 418 00:18:36,763 --> 00:18:39,766 [audience laughing] 419 00:18:41,184 --> 00:18:42,894 The good news, there is good news, 420 00:18:42,977 --> 00:18:46,481 Pat Sajak is continuing on as a consultant on the show. 421 00:18:46,564 --> 00:18:48,650 [laughter] 422 00:18:48,733 --> 00:18:51,778 I-I don't know what consulting work... 423 00:18:51,861 --> 00:18:54,322 there is on the Wheel of Fortune. [laughs] 424 00:18:54,405 --> 00:18:56,908 "Uh, any new letters come out today?" 425 00:18:56,991 --> 00:18:59,494 [laughing, applause] 426 00:19:01,704 --> 00:19:04,415 "No, Pat. Still the same 26 letters." 427 00:19:05,375 --> 00:19:08,336 "Alright, well, I-I'll be in my office." 428 00:19:08,419 --> 00:19:10,421 -[audience laughing] -[Jim muttering] 429 00:19:13,675 --> 00:19:15,218 I love doing stand-up comedy. 430 00:19:15,301 --> 00:19:17,971 Occasionally, I'll be hired for an acting job. 431 00:19:18,054 --> 00:19:20,890 And sometimes, the directors of these projects will say to me like, 432 00:19:20,974 --> 00:19:23,560 "Jim, I think I'd like to see you clean-shaven." And I'd be like, 433 00:19:23,643 --> 00:19:26,604 -"I don't think you do." -[laughter] 434 00:19:26,688 --> 00:19:29,941 I always do it, but after I shave my beard, 435 00:19:30,024 --> 00:19:33,111 -I am so disgusted with my appearance. -[laughter] 436 00:19:33,194 --> 00:19:36,531 I walk around feeling like I should apologize. 437 00:19:36,614 --> 00:19:38,908 -Sorry. Sorry about this. -[laughter] 438 00:19:38,992 --> 00:19:40,994 Oh, you're eating. Sorry. 439 00:19:42,287 --> 00:19:46,207 And it's not just me. It's shocking to everyone who knows me with a beard. 440 00:19:46,291 --> 00:19:49,544 And they don't hold back. They're like, "Ew, gross! Where's your beard?" 441 00:19:50,879 --> 00:19:54,173 -And those are just my children. -[laughter] 442 00:19:54,257 --> 00:19:57,260 'Cause a beard is really the poor man's facelift. 443 00:19:58,261 --> 00:20:02,098 Every compliment a man receives on his beard is backhanded. 444 00:20:02,724 --> 00:20:04,058 "I like your face with a beard." 445 00:20:04,142 --> 00:20:06,853 "Oh, so it's better covered in hair. 446 00:20:06,936 --> 00:20:08,479 [laughter] 447 00:20:08,563 --> 00:20:10,899 Thanks." I feel sorry for women. 448 00:20:10,982 --> 00:20:13,026 Some women can't grow a beard. 449 00:20:13,109 --> 00:20:14,110 [laughter] 450 00:20:14,194 --> 00:20:15,695 You know? 451 00:20:16,321 --> 00:20:19,157 What you must understand is every man who has a beard 452 00:20:19,240 --> 00:20:20,825 needs that beard. 453 00:20:20,909 --> 00:20:23,411 Every man who has a beard at one point looked in the mirror, 454 00:20:23,494 --> 00:20:25,538 bare-faced, and was like, 455 00:20:25,622 --> 00:20:28,708 -"I gotta hide this." -[laughter] 456 00:20:28,791 --> 00:20:31,836 Think of all the significant historical figures 457 00:20:31,920 --> 00:20:35,131 who had beards probably 'cause they were insecure. 458 00:20:35,215 --> 00:20:36,799 Abraham Lincoln. 459 00:20:36,883 --> 00:20:38,801 Karl Marx. 460 00:20:38,885 --> 00:20:41,512 -Gandalf. -[laughter] 461 00:20:41,596 --> 00:20:43,264 They all had beards. 462 00:20:43,348 --> 00:20:46,059 Jesus! Jesus had a beard. 463 00:20:46,142 --> 00:20:48,436 Jesus was probably walking on water, 464 00:20:48,519 --> 00:20:50,688 looked down, saw his reflection, was like, 465 00:20:50,772 --> 00:20:54,317 -"Jesus! -[laughter, applause] 466 00:20:54,400 --> 00:20:56,819 [cheering] 467 00:20:56,903 --> 00:20:59,197 "I gotta grow a beard. 468 00:20:59,280 --> 00:21:01,783 I'm not gonna get any followers looking like this." 469 00:21:01,866 --> 00:21:03,076 [laughter] 470 00:21:03,159 --> 00:21:05,161 By the way, this is how Jesus walked. 471 00:21:05,245 --> 00:21:06,329 [laughter] 472 00:21:06,412 --> 00:21:08,957 When Jesus walked on water, did he act like it was difficult? 473 00:21:09,040 --> 00:21:11,876 -Was he like, "Oh... -[laughter] 474 00:21:12,835 --> 00:21:14,837 "Can you believe it? 475 00:21:15,505 --> 00:21:17,590 "I'm walking on water! 476 00:21:17,674 --> 00:21:19,217 Take out your phone! Get this!" 477 00:21:19,300 --> 00:21:21,344 [laughter] 478 00:21:21,427 --> 00:21:23,263 Or did he walk with, like, an attitude like, 479 00:21:23,346 --> 00:21:25,265 "Yeah, that's right, bitches. Look at this." 480 00:21:25,348 --> 00:21:26,766 [audience laughing] 481 00:21:26,849 --> 00:21:28,851 "Yass, king of kings!" 482 00:21:31,938 --> 00:21:35,400 Of course, that was-- Walking on water was one of Jesus' miracles, 483 00:21:35,483 --> 00:21:37,318 but you know someone there probably just thought 484 00:21:37,402 --> 00:21:39,654 it was a magic trick. Someone came out, 485 00:21:39,737 --> 00:21:42,448 "Hey, I saw your, uh, walking on water show. 486 00:21:43,741 --> 00:21:46,452 "Pretty cool. I book children's birthday parties. 487 00:21:46,536 --> 00:21:47,579 [laughter] 488 00:21:47,662 --> 00:21:49,873 We could make a killing." And Jesus was like, 489 00:21:49,956 --> 00:21:52,959 "It wasn't a magic trick. I'm the Son of God." 490 00:21:53,835 --> 00:21:56,546 -"Interesting stage name. -[laughter] 491 00:21:56,629 --> 00:21:59,132 Anyway, here's my card. My name's Judas." 492 00:21:59,215 --> 00:22:01,301 [laughter, applause] 493 00:22:03,428 --> 00:22:06,389 -All that's in the Bible, everyone. -[laughter] 494 00:22:06,472 --> 00:22:08,766 It's in the Bible. 495 00:22:08,850 --> 00:22:11,811 There is some wild stuff in the Bible, right? Like early on, 496 00:22:11,895 --> 00:22:15,857 God asked Abraham to sacrifice his only son. 497 00:22:16,232 --> 00:22:19,360 God asked Abraham to kill his only son. 498 00:22:19,444 --> 00:22:21,446 And Abraham, like most fathers, said, 499 00:22:21,529 --> 00:22:24,616 -"Alright, I'll do it." -[audience laughing] 500 00:22:27,076 --> 00:22:30,914 In his defense, we don't know what Abraham was doing right before God asked him. 501 00:22:31,706 --> 00:22:33,499 Maybe Abraham was going through bills and was like, 502 00:22:33,583 --> 00:22:37,045 "Wh-who spent 500 shekels on Nintendo?" 503 00:22:37,128 --> 00:22:39,714 [laughter, applause] 504 00:22:39,797 --> 00:22:41,549 And then right at that moment, God was like, 505 00:22:41,633 --> 00:22:43,676 "Abraham, I want you to sacrifice your only son." 506 00:22:43,760 --> 00:22:46,721 -Abraham's like, "Gladly! -[laughter] 507 00:22:46,804 --> 00:22:49,766 Can it be a strangle sacrifice?" 508 00:22:53,770 --> 00:22:55,980 God was communicating with Abraham from Heaven. 509 00:22:56,064 --> 00:22:58,441 I don't know if he was yelling down. 510 00:22:58,525 --> 00:23:01,236 Did anyone overhear the conversation? Like, 511 00:23:01,319 --> 00:23:04,614 was there anyone up there in Heaven? Was Jesus up in Heaven? Was God like, 512 00:23:04,697 --> 00:23:07,575 "Abraham, I want you to sacrifice your only son!" And Jesus was like, 513 00:23:07,659 --> 00:23:09,994 "Dad, what the hell are you doing?!" 514 00:23:10,078 --> 00:23:11,204 [laughter] 515 00:23:11,287 --> 00:23:13,081 God was like, "Uh, we've been through this before. 516 00:23:13,164 --> 00:23:15,333 -"Just mind your own business. -[laughter] 517 00:23:15,416 --> 00:23:17,919 "Pay no attention to that bearded hippie! 518 00:23:19,003 --> 00:23:21,965 Abraham, I'd like you to sacrifice your only son." Jesus was like, 519 00:23:22,048 --> 00:23:23,967 "Dad, you can't ask Abraham 520 00:23:24,050 --> 00:23:26,094 to sacrifice his only son!" And God was like, 521 00:23:26,177 --> 00:23:28,555 "Uh, that gives me an idea. 522 00:23:28,638 --> 00:23:30,807 [groaning, laughter] 523 00:23:30,890 --> 00:23:32,976 "Jesus, I'd like you to go down to Earth, 524 00:23:33,059 --> 00:23:35,770 and, uh, tell the humans I'm your dad." 525 00:23:35,853 --> 00:23:38,439 And Jesus is like, "If I go down there, if I tell the humans you're my dad, 526 00:23:38,523 --> 00:23:40,066 they might get angry. They might hurt me." 527 00:23:40,149 --> 00:23:43,152 -And God's like, [sarcastic] "No... -[laughter] 528 00:23:43,236 --> 00:23:46,406 Why would they do that? They seem so nice down there." 529 00:23:46,990 --> 00:23:49,367 Jesus is like, "Alright, if I go down there and they start to hurt me, 530 00:23:49,450 --> 00:23:52,328 you'll stop 'em." And God's like, "Yeah, definitely. Probably, maybe. 531 00:23:52,412 --> 00:23:55,164 -[audience laughing] -Yeah..." 532 00:23:56,374 --> 00:23:59,544 Abraham was rewarded for his loyalty, right? 533 00:23:59,627 --> 00:24:02,255 He got to live to the age of 175. 534 00:24:02,338 --> 00:24:04,841 He died when he was 175, which is cool. 535 00:24:04,924 --> 00:24:08,553 -But, those last 90 years... -[laughter] 536 00:24:08,636 --> 00:24:09,929 Yikes, right? 537 00:24:10,013 --> 00:24:13,391 Do you think when they were first writing down the Bible, anyone was like, 538 00:24:13,474 --> 00:24:16,686 "Wait, do we really wanna put 175? 539 00:24:17,395 --> 00:24:20,190 "I mean, we want people to read this, right? 540 00:24:20,273 --> 00:24:21,649 [laughter] 541 00:24:21,733 --> 00:24:24,152 "Why don't we just put 75? 542 00:24:24,235 --> 00:24:26,112 "You know, that's a good run. I could see it. 543 00:24:26,196 --> 00:24:27,906 "Mediterranean diet. That could happen. 544 00:24:27,989 --> 00:24:30,408 -[laughter] -You know?" 545 00:24:30,491 --> 00:24:33,828 175. If you met someone today, and they're like, 546 00:24:33,912 --> 00:24:35,830 "My grandpa lived to 175," you'd be like, 547 00:24:35,914 --> 00:24:38,791 -"You're mentally ill." -[laughter] 548 00:24:38,875 --> 00:24:41,628 Could you imagine if you lived to 175? 549 00:24:41,711 --> 00:24:44,214 You're like, "Yeah, I retired at 60. 550 00:24:45,173 --> 00:24:48,176 "Had no idea I had another 115 years to go. 551 00:24:48,259 --> 00:24:49,719 [laughter] 552 00:24:49,802 --> 00:24:52,222 How much pickleball am I supposed to play?" 553 00:24:52,305 --> 00:24:55,308 -[cheering, applause] -Like, geez. 554 00:24:55,391 --> 00:24:58,978 -[cheering, applause] -Thank you. Thank you. 555 00:25:01,940 --> 00:25:05,109 That was Abraham's reward. He got to live to 175. 556 00:25:05,193 --> 00:25:07,987 He also is a founding figure of not just one religion, 557 00:25:08,071 --> 00:25:09,447 but three religions, right? 558 00:25:09,531 --> 00:25:12,867 Judaism, Christianity, and Islam, which is amazing. 559 00:25:12,951 --> 00:25:14,410 You know what's even more amazing? 560 00:25:14,494 --> 00:25:16,663 Those three religions, best buddies. 561 00:25:16,746 --> 00:25:18,957 [audience laughing] 562 00:25:19,040 --> 00:25:21,918 They get along great, no problems. 563 00:25:22,001 --> 00:25:25,088 Does Abraham feel any responsibility? 564 00:25:25,171 --> 00:25:27,799 Does he ever look down from Heaven, like, "Yikes! 565 00:25:27,882 --> 00:25:29,759 [laughter] 566 00:25:29,842 --> 00:25:31,761 I-I didn't do that..." 567 00:25:33,054 --> 00:25:36,015 God used to be so much more involved. 568 00:25:36,099 --> 00:25:39,352 God was so hands-on. Talking to Abraham, 569 00:25:39,435 --> 00:25:41,229 floods, plagues. 570 00:25:41,312 --> 00:25:43,815 Now, He's just like, "You know what? 571 00:25:43,898 --> 00:25:46,901 "Just put Jesus' face on a piece of toast. 572 00:25:46,985 --> 00:25:50,071 -[audience laughing] -[sighs] 573 00:25:50,154 --> 00:25:53,157 "I just can't even, you know? 574 00:25:54,576 --> 00:25:57,579 No, if they're not gonna listen, I'm not gonna try!" 575 00:25:57,662 --> 00:25:59,163 [laughter] 576 00:26:00,290 --> 00:26:03,835 I guess the point I'm trying to make is I'm a Christian. 577 00:26:03,918 --> 00:26:05,169 [laughter] 578 00:26:05,253 --> 00:26:08,256 And the reason I say that is to make you feel uncomfortable. 579 00:26:09,507 --> 00:26:11,926 'Cause when non-Christians hear me say I'm a Christian, 580 00:26:12,010 --> 00:26:13,511 they think, "Oh, no." 581 00:26:13,595 --> 00:26:15,597 And when Christians hear me say I'm a Christian, 582 00:26:15,680 --> 00:26:18,683 -they think, "Oh, no." -[laughter] 583 00:26:18,766 --> 00:26:20,768 So, it's a way to bring the crowd together. 584 00:26:20,852 --> 00:26:24,689 [applause, laughter] 585 00:26:24,772 --> 00:26:27,775 [applause, cheering] 586 00:26:30,069 --> 00:26:32,238 Thank you so much for coming out, by the way. 587 00:26:32,322 --> 00:26:34,532 -I do appreciate it. -[cheering] 588 00:26:34,616 --> 00:26:37,619 -Yeah. Thank you. -[applause] 589 00:26:37,702 --> 00:26:39,204 Um... 590 00:26:41,623 --> 00:26:44,792 I'm so grateful that I can travel around 591 00:26:44,876 --> 00:26:47,337 doing stand-up comedy, but I do need you to know 592 00:26:47,420 --> 00:26:49,839 that my life at home is horrible. 593 00:26:49,923 --> 00:26:50,924 [laughter] 594 00:26:51,007 --> 00:26:54,510 I have five children. It's like hell. 595 00:26:54,594 --> 00:26:57,680 My life at home is actually the opposite of this experience. 596 00:26:57,764 --> 00:27:00,350 Like, when I came out, you guys greeted me with applause. 597 00:27:00,433 --> 00:27:03,603 -At home, I'm not even acknowledged. -[laughter] 598 00:27:03,686 --> 00:27:06,397 And I'm not suggesting parents should be greeted with applause. 599 00:27:06,481 --> 00:27:08,066 That's not enough. 600 00:27:08,149 --> 00:27:09,734 [laughter, cheering] 601 00:27:09,817 --> 00:27:13,446 I think parents should receive a standing ovation. 602 00:27:13,530 --> 00:27:14,906 -There should be an announcer. -[cheering] 603 00:27:14,989 --> 00:27:18,159 "Please welcome, the only reason you're alive." 604 00:27:18,243 --> 00:27:20,745 -[applause, laughter] -Right? 605 00:27:20,828 --> 00:27:23,831 [cheering] 606 00:27:25,875 --> 00:27:26,960 'Cause, 607 00:27:27,043 --> 00:27:29,629 parenting is an impossible task! 608 00:27:29,712 --> 00:27:33,049 It's too hard! The expectations are too high. 609 00:27:33,132 --> 00:27:35,552 In baseball, if I have a .300 average, 610 00:27:35,635 --> 00:27:38,638 if I get a hit three times outta 10, I'm good. 611 00:27:38,721 --> 00:27:41,224 Yet, if I hit my kid once... 612 00:27:41,307 --> 00:27:43,309 [audience laughing] 613 00:27:44,852 --> 00:27:46,688 I'm bad at it? 614 00:27:47,730 --> 00:27:49,983 Children, children are the only thing 615 00:27:50,066 --> 00:27:52,193 we remove from the human body, 616 00:27:52,277 --> 00:27:53,736 and then keep. 617 00:27:53,820 --> 00:27:56,239 [audience laughing] 618 00:27:57,156 --> 00:27:58,408 You know? 619 00:27:58,491 --> 00:28:01,494 [applause, cheering] 620 00:28:04,747 --> 00:28:05,748 You never hear someone say, 621 00:28:05,832 --> 00:28:07,584 "That's my appendix. That's my son. 622 00:28:07,667 --> 00:28:09,961 -Neither of 'em work." -[audience laughing] 623 00:28:11,588 --> 00:28:14,674 I do believe parents, we deserve this pain. 624 00:28:14,757 --> 00:28:17,677 We deserve the pain. The audacity, the audacity to think 625 00:28:17,760 --> 00:28:19,679 you're equipped to be a parent. 626 00:28:19,762 --> 00:28:23,099 And we just arrogantly jump into this responsibility. 627 00:28:23,182 --> 00:28:26,185 We're just like, "Yeah, yeah, I lose my phone once a day. 628 00:28:26,269 --> 00:28:27,770 [laughter] 629 00:28:27,854 --> 00:28:30,356 "I could take care of a baby. 630 00:28:33,651 --> 00:28:36,154 [laughter] 631 00:28:36,237 --> 00:28:38,239 "Can you call my baby? 632 00:28:39,782 --> 00:28:41,784 Call my baby!" 633 00:28:44,829 --> 00:28:46,915 Now, I'm aware not everyone here is a parent. 634 00:28:46,998 --> 00:28:49,167 You know, you have a child, you become a parent. 635 00:28:49,250 --> 00:28:52,253 You never have a child, you just remain happy. 636 00:28:52,337 --> 00:28:54,464 [audience laughing] 637 00:28:54,547 --> 00:28:55,965 Not everyone wants to be a parent. 638 00:28:56,049 --> 00:28:58,968 Some choose to not have children, and I respect that. I do. 639 00:28:59,052 --> 00:29:01,971 But, I don't think those people should be considered adults. 640 00:29:02,055 --> 00:29:03,556 [laughter] 641 00:29:03,640 --> 00:29:06,768 How are they different from giant toddlers? 642 00:29:06,851 --> 00:29:10,021 What stress is keeping them awake at night? 643 00:29:10,104 --> 00:29:12,607 [whiny voice] "Where am I gonna go for brunch?" 644 00:29:12,690 --> 00:29:15,151 [laughter] 645 00:29:15,235 --> 00:29:18,780 If you're over the age of 30, and the biggest problem in your life 646 00:29:18,863 --> 00:29:20,949 is your Wi-Fi connection, 647 00:29:21,032 --> 00:29:23,243 -you're not an adult. -[laughter] 648 00:29:23,326 --> 00:29:26,913 If you've never been out, discovered a stain, and privately prayed 649 00:29:26,996 --> 00:29:29,999 -that it was chocolate... -[laughter, applause] 650 00:29:31,125 --> 00:29:33,503 you're not an adult. 651 00:29:33,586 --> 00:29:36,047 If you haven't bragged to your spouse or partner 652 00:29:36,130 --> 00:29:40,009 that you haven't had time to shower for three days, 653 00:29:40,093 --> 00:29:41,928 you're not an adult. 654 00:29:42,011 --> 00:29:44,013 And you might be a redneck. 655 00:29:44,097 --> 00:29:47,100 [laughter, applause] 656 00:29:48,309 --> 00:29:49,894 There's no comparison. 657 00:29:49,978 --> 00:29:52,689 One has a rich, fulfilling life, 658 00:29:52,772 --> 00:29:56,359 -and the other is a parent. -[laughter] 659 00:29:56,442 --> 00:29:58,403 There should be a whole other classification. 660 00:29:58,486 --> 00:30:00,196 Oh, you're over 30, no kids? 661 00:30:00,280 --> 00:30:03,074 You're a junior adult. How was brunch? 662 00:30:03,157 --> 00:30:05,201 [laughter] 663 00:30:05,285 --> 00:30:08,204 By the way, can we admit brunch was just the rationalization 664 00:30:08,288 --> 00:30:10,790 -of some alcoholic? -[laughter] 665 00:30:10,874 --> 00:30:12,917 Someone's like, "You can't drink alcohol at breakfast." 666 00:30:13,001 --> 00:30:14,919 [slurred] "It's not breakfast. 667 00:30:16,087 --> 00:30:19,424 -It's brunch." -[laughter, applause] 668 00:30:19,507 --> 00:30:20,884 "What?" 669 00:30:20,967 --> 00:30:24,012 [slurred] "It's breakfast. It's lunch. It's... 670 00:30:24,095 --> 00:30:25,638 Happy birthday!" 671 00:30:25,722 --> 00:30:28,725 [laughter, applause] 672 00:30:29,642 --> 00:30:31,895 Everything about brunch is ridiculous. 673 00:30:31,978 --> 00:30:35,648 -You obviously slept through breakfast. -[laughter] 674 00:30:35,732 --> 00:30:38,735 And now, you're demanding French toast at 1:00 p.m. 675 00:30:38,818 --> 00:30:42,322 -while you get loaded on mimosas. -[laughter] 676 00:30:42,989 --> 00:30:46,618 Tell me the mimosa wasn't the brainchild of a drunk? 677 00:30:46,701 --> 00:30:50,163 [slurred] "Do you have fresh-squeezed orange juice? 678 00:30:50,246 --> 00:30:53,041 "You do? Pour in some champagne. 679 00:30:53,124 --> 00:30:54,500 [laughter] 680 00:30:54,584 --> 00:30:56,586 "We'll call it a m... 681 00:30:57,962 --> 00:31:00,465 -...mosa." -[laughter] 682 00:31:01,299 --> 00:31:04,594 [normal] Mimosa even sounds like that unreliable coworker. 683 00:31:05,553 --> 00:31:07,555 "Mimosa, where's the quarterly report?" 684 00:31:07,639 --> 00:31:10,141 -[slurred] "I'm working on it! -[laughter] 685 00:31:11,768 --> 00:31:14,270 "Who wants to go get linner? 686 00:31:15,855 --> 00:31:17,690 "It's lunch. It's dinner. 687 00:31:17,774 --> 00:31:20,360 It's... happy birthday!" 688 00:31:21,569 --> 00:31:24,989 I'm sensitive to the fact some people physically can't have children, 689 00:31:25,073 --> 00:31:26,491 but there is adoption. 690 00:31:26,574 --> 00:31:29,577 And we learn from an early age through movies like Annie and Oliver 691 00:31:29,661 --> 00:31:31,955 that there are children out there that need parents, 692 00:31:32,038 --> 00:31:34,541 and many of those kids can sing and dance. 693 00:31:34,624 --> 00:31:36,209 [laughter] 694 00:31:36,292 --> 00:31:38,962 So, have a heart. Support the arts, people. 695 00:31:39,045 --> 00:31:41,506 [audience laughing] 696 00:31:41,589 --> 00:31:43,758 I certainly don't care if someone has kids. 697 00:31:43,841 --> 00:31:46,427 I think it's weird some of the pressure we put on people. 698 00:31:46,511 --> 00:31:48,179 Some of the things we say, like people go, 699 00:31:48,263 --> 00:31:50,431 [snide voice] "Well, who's gonna take care of you in your old age? 700 00:31:50,515 --> 00:31:52,684 Who's gonna take care of you in your old age?" And I'm like, 701 00:31:52,767 --> 00:31:54,769 "Well, not my children." 702 00:31:54,852 --> 00:31:56,563 [laughter] 703 00:31:56,646 --> 00:31:58,690 Let me understand the logic here. My kids, 704 00:31:58,773 --> 00:32:01,776 who've done nothing but bleed me dry... 705 00:32:02,902 --> 00:32:05,905 are suddenly gonna wake up and take care of me? 706 00:32:06,990 --> 00:32:08,992 That feels like a gamble. 707 00:32:09,075 --> 00:32:10,952 [audience laughing] 708 00:32:11,035 --> 00:32:14,330 By the way, I'm not worried about my kids putting me in an old folks home. 709 00:32:14,414 --> 00:32:16,249 They're not that resourceful. 710 00:32:17,500 --> 00:32:20,503 "I gotta fill out forms? Just stick him in the garage." 711 00:32:20,587 --> 00:32:23,840 [laughter, applause] 712 00:32:25,049 --> 00:32:26,134 If you don't have kids, 713 00:32:26,217 --> 00:32:29,512 here's a story which embodies the joy of parenting. 714 00:32:29,596 --> 00:32:32,849 I have five children, so I try to do one-on-one time with each of them. 715 00:32:32,932 --> 00:32:34,934 That way, I know I've met them all. 716 00:32:35,018 --> 00:32:36,269 [laughter] 717 00:32:36,352 --> 00:32:39,355 Last February, I took my then 10-year-old son for a walk. 718 00:32:39,439 --> 00:32:41,733 We walked our dog, and before we left, I said, 719 00:32:41,816 --> 00:32:44,277 "Hey, it's pretty cold out there. You might wanna grab a coat." He's like, 720 00:32:44,360 --> 00:32:47,030 [angry voice] "I'm not wearing a coat! That's stupid! You can't make me!" 721 00:32:47,697 --> 00:32:49,657 [normal] I was like, "Fine, you don't have to wear a coat." 722 00:32:49,741 --> 00:32:51,993 So we went for the walk and as we turned to walk back, 723 00:32:52,076 --> 00:32:53,161 he looked at me and asked, 724 00:32:53,244 --> 00:32:55,747 [sad voice] "Dad, can I have your coat?" 725 00:32:55,830 --> 00:32:57,332 [laughter] 726 00:32:57,916 --> 00:32:59,584 [normal] And I didn't hesitate, right? 727 00:32:59,667 --> 00:33:02,503 Because being a parent is like being a psychic 728 00:33:02,587 --> 00:33:05,798 who's constantly correct, but always ignored. 729 00:33:05,882 --> 00:33:08,009 [laughter, applause] 730 00:33:08,092 --> 00:33:09,344 Right? 731 00:33:09,427 --> 00:33:12,430 [applause, cheering] 732 00:33:16,559 --> 00:33:19,187 All day, every day, parents are like, 733 00:33:19,270 --> 00:33:22,607 "Let me look into my crystal ball. 734 00:33:22,690 --> 00:33:25,735 Ooh, it's pretty cold out there. You might wanna grab a coat." 735 00:33:25,818 --> 00:33:27,820 -[angry] "You're fat." -[laughter] 736 00:33:29,239 --> 00:33:32,116 [normal] "Oh, if you stay up late, you may be tired in the morning." 737 00:33:32,200 --> 00:33:33,826 [angry] "You're bald." 738 00:33:34,410 --> 00:33:36,579 [normal] "Ooh, I foresee economic hardship 739 00:33:36,663 --> 00:33:39,666 -when I kick you out of this house." -[laughter] 740 00:33:41,000 --> 00:33:44,587 It's not their fault. Children don't understand consequences. 741 00:33:44,671 --> 00:33:46,464 Parents understand consequences. 742 00:33:46,548 --> 00:33:49,175 -They're called children. -[laughter] 743 00:33:49,259 --> 00:33:52,262 Children are walking, talking consequences. 744 00:33:52,845 --> 00:33:55,515 That's why every parent occasionally looks at their kid and thinks, 745 00:33:55,598 --> 00:33:57,892 "I know I shouldn't have gotten wasted that night." 746 00:33:57,976 --> 00:33:59,686 [laughter] 747 00:34:01,104 --> 00:34:05,275 It is wild how different the childhood my kids are having from the one I had. 748 00:34:05,358 --> 00:34:07,318 Like, I remember when I was 10 years old, 749 00:34:07,402 --> 00:34:09,779 my mom used to send me on errands. I remember one time, 750 00:34:09,863 --> 00:34:12,907 she sent me to the grocery store with very specific instructions. 751 00:34:12,991 --> 00:34:14,784 I walked a mile and a half to the grocery store, 752 00:34:14,868 --> 00:34:16,286 and I did what I was told. 753 00:34:16,369 --> 00:34:19,873 I went right up to the cashier, handed her $10 and said, 754 00:34:19,956 --> 00:34:23,251 "My mom sent me here to buy a carton of cigarettes. 755 00:34:23,334 --> 00:34:25,879 -Merit Ultra Lights." -[laughter] 756 00:34:25,962 --> 00:34:28,381 The cashier looked at me and asked, "How old are you?" 757 00:34:28,464 --> 00:34:30,800 And I said, "I'm 10 years old." 758 00:34:30,884 --> 00:34:32,886 She said, "You're a good boy." 759 00:34:32,969 --> 00:34:36,306 [laughter, applause] 760 00:34:36,389 --> 00:34:38,600 She complimented me, 761 00:34:38,683 --> 00:34:40,518 gave me the cigarettes and my change, 762 00:34:40,602 --> 00:34:43,521 and I walked home, smoking the entire way. 763 00:34:43,605 --> 00:34:46,232 [applause] 764 00:34:49,444 --> 00:34:53,156 We used to send children on errands alone. 765 00:34:53,239 --> 00:34:55,408 But now, after 25 years of 766 00:34:55,491 --> 00:34:58,786 Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, 767 00:34:59,746 --> 00:35:02,749 we don't feel safe having them open a refrigerator. 768 00:35:04,584 --> 00:35:06,794 I used to like the independence, you know? 769 00:35:06,878 --> 00:35:09,005 I mean, I was definitely scared here and there. 770 00:35:09,088 --> 00:35:11,382 I was mostly afraid of grown-ups. 771 00:35:11,466 --> 00:35:13,551 Grown-ups were just these evil giants 772 00:35:13,635 --> 00:35:16,179 that somehow all knew each other. 773 00:35:16,262 --> 00:35:18,097 [gravelly voice] "I know your father." 774 00:35:18,181 --> 00:35:20,433 [audience laughing] 775 00:35:20,516 --> 00:35:21,768 [normal] "How?" 776 00:35:22,352 --> 00:35:24,729 [creepy voice] "I held you as a baby." 777 00:35:25,730 --> 00:35:28,441 -[normal] "Why?" -[laughter] 778 00:35:29,067 --> 00:35:32,070 My friends growing up were afraid of my dad. You know? 779 00:35:32,153 --> 00:35:35,240 My, my childhood best friend, to this day, is still afraid of my dad. 780 00:35:35,323 --> 00:35:38,743 -My dad's been dead for 30 years. -[laughter] 781 00:35:38,826 --> 00:35:42,288 My kids, their friends, they view me as an Uber driver. 782 00:35:43,289 --> 00:35:46,584 And they've requested a silent ride. 783 00:35:46,668 --> 00:35:49,170 [audience laughing] 784 00:35:50,588 --> 00:35:52,840 [snarky voice] "Can we turn down the music, Jim?" 785 00:35:54,759 --> 00:35:57,762 -[normal] I'll kill you. -[audience laughing] 786 00:35:57,845 --> 00:35:58,888 I mean... 787 00:35:59,347 --> 00:36:01,057 I know your parents. 788 00:36:02,016 --> 00:36:03,476 I'll kill them, too. 789 00:36:03,560 --> 00:36:05,103 [audience laughing] 790 00:36:07,063 --> 00:36:09,357 Parenting is about sacrifice, right? 791 00:36:09,440 --> 00:36:11,359 Some big, some small. 792 00:36:11,442 --> 00:36:14,487 Do you know how many horrible kids' movies I've seen? 793 00:36:14,571 --> 00:36:17,156 -In the theater? -[laughter] 794 00:36:17,240 --> 00:36:20,118 I've voluntarily driven, purchased multiple tickets, 795 00:36:20,201 --> 00:36:23,663 and sat through absolute garbage. 796 00:36:23,746 --> 00:36:25,540 Objectively bad movies. 797 00:36:25,623 --> 00:36:28,918 Like, I didn't need to read a review. I didn't need to watch a trailer. 798 00:36:29,002 --> 00:36:32,380 Nobody asks themselves like, "I wonder if The Smurfs is a good film." 799 00:36:32,463 --> 00:36:33,756 [laughter] 800 00:36:33,840 --> 00:36:35,216 It's not! 801 00:36:35,925 --> 00:36:39,304 They tried to warn us by calling it The Smurfs! 802 00:36:40,555 --> 00:36:43,266 I have five children. I've been going to horrible kids' movies 803 00:36:43,349 --> 00:36:45,310 for 15 years. 804 00:36:45,393 --> 00:36:47,937 A decade and a half of torture. 805 00:36:48,021 --> 00:36:50,231 And the hardest part, the self-censorship. 806 00:36:50,315 --> 00:36:53,693 'Cause after you sit through a movie like Trolls 807 00:36:53,776 --> 00:36:55,486 or My Pretty Pony, 808 00:36:55,570 --> 00:36:57,864 if you're a normal adult, you need to turn to someone and go, 809 00:36:57,947 --> 00:37:01,784 -"Well, that was horseshit." -[laughter] 810 00:37:01,868 --> 00:37:05,413 You know? But you can't say that to an 8-year-old! 811 00:37:06,623 --> 00:37:09,000 So, you just ask, [happy voice] "Hey, what'd you think? 812 00:37:10,001 --> 00:37:12,295 Yeah, I hope they make another one, too!" 813 00:37:12,378 --> 00:37:14,172 [laughter] 814 00:37:14,255 --> 00:37:17,175 [normal] And they do. They make five more. 815 00:37:17,258 --> 00:37:20,511 And you sit through each of them, just thinking about alcohol. 816 00:37:20,595 --> 00:37:21,596 [laughter] 817 00:37:21,679 --> 00:37:25,642 My father, my father would've never sat through a horrible kids' movie. 818 00:37:26,184 --> 00:37:28,102 On the rare occasion my dad took us to a movie, 819 00:37:28,186 --> 00:37:30,480 -we were never consulted! -[laughter] 820 00:37:30,563 --> 00:37:32,065 We didn't know what movie we were gonna see. 821 00:37:32,148 --> 00:37:34,859 He didn't know what movie we were gonna see! 822 00:37:34,943 --> 00:37:36,861 It was understood that when we got to the theater, 823 00:37:36,945 --> 00:37:38,863 he was gonna pick a movie, buy tickets, 824 00:37:38,947 --> 00:37:41,199 and we were gonna walk in immediately. 825 00:37:41,282 --> 00:37:42,659 Didn't matter when the movie started, 826 00:37:42,742 --> 00:37:44,869 that was the beginning of the movie for us. 827 00:37:44,953 --> 00:37:47,664 We'd walk into the dark theater, sit down, 828 00:37:47,747 --> 00:37:51,042 -watch the last third of a movie... -[laughter] 829 00:37:51,125 --> 00:37:53,044 the lights would turn on, people would leave, 830 00:37:53,127 --> 00:37:56,130 we'd just sit there trying to figure out what the hell we just saw. 831 00:37:57,674 --> 00:38:00,927 We might ask each other like, "How do you think the movie starts?" 832 00:38:01,010 --> 00:38:02,512 [laughter] 833 00:38:02,595 --> 00:38:05,348 Then a new crowd would come in. The lights would turn off. 834 00:38:05,431 --> 00:38:07,767 The movie would start. We'd watch to a certain point. 835 00:38:07,850 --> 00:38:09,978 Then, my dad would just stand up and leave. 836 00:38:10,061 --> 00:38:11,396 [laughter] 837 00:38:11,479 --> 00:38:13,565 And we'd follow him out. 838 00:38:13,648 --> 00:38:16,734 That's how we saw movies as a family! 839 00:38:16,818 --> 00:38:18,319 And I kinda miss it. 840 00:38:19,320 --> 00:38:22,991 Often, it felt like we were just helping my dad establish an alibi. 841 00:38:23,074 --> 00:38:25,368 [laughter] 842 00:38:25,451 --> 00:38:29,330 "I couldn't have killed that drifter. I was at the movies with my kids." 843 00:38:31,791 --> 00:38:34,210 I do wish we could've seen The Sound of Music 844 00:38:34,294 --> 00:38:36,629 as a family with my father. 845 00:38:36,713 --> 00:38:38,423 You know, just halfway through The Sound of Music, 846 00:38:38,506 --> 00:38:40,425 my father stands up, starts to leave, 847 00:38:40,508 --> 00:38:42,760 followed by his six blonde children. 848 00:38:42,844 --> 00:38:45,138 [laughter, applause] 849 00:38:45,221 --> 00:38:47,390 Everyone in the theater's like, "Wow, that family didn't like it 850 00:38:47,473 --> 00:38:50,894 when Captain von Trapp tore up that Nazi flag at all." 851 00:38:50,977 --> 00:38:53,062 [audience laughing] 852 00:38:53,146 --> 00:38:56,441 That joke was even funnier when everyone hated Nazis. 853 00:38:57,358 --> 00:39:00,361 -[audience cheering] -Right? 854 00:39:00,445 --> 00:39:03,448 [applause] 855 00:39:05,742 --> 00:39:07,702 I know I complain a lot about my kids, 856 00:39:07,785 --> 00:39:09,579 but they've ruined my life. 857 00:39:09,662 --> 00:39:11,122 [laughter] 858 00:39:11,206 --> 00:39:13,708 I love them, but they treat me horribly! 859 00:39:14,459 --> 00:39:17,670 And people without kids are always like, "I'd never let my kids treat me horribly." 860 00:39:17,754 --> 00:39:19,797 -Oh yeah, you would. -[laughter] 861 00:39:19,881 --> 00:39:22,258 You know what the alternative is? Jail. 862 00:39:22,342 --> 00:39:23,760 [laughter] 863 00:39:23,843 --> 00:39:27,347 So you let them treat you horribly, and you just think about alcohol. 864 00:39:28,097 --> 00:39:31,142 I was thinking if I told a therapist how my kids treat me, 865 00:39:31,226 --> 00:39:33,019 but I didn't say they were my children, if I was like, 866 00:39:33,102 --> 00:39:35,522 "Yeah, I live with these five people. They eat all my food. 867 00:39:35,605 --> 00:39:38,691 "They spend all my money, and when I ask them to do anything, 868 00:39:38,775 --> 00:39:41,194 -they just yell at me." -[laughter] 869 00:39:41,277 --> 00:39:43,321 Any therapist, any therapist would be like, 870 00:39:43,404 --> 00:39:46,366 -"You should move out. -[laughter] 871 00:39:46,449 --> 00:39:48,576 You're the victim of abuse." 872 00:39:50,036 --> 00:39:53,206 I love them, and I know they love me. I mean, 873 00:39:53,289 --> 00:39:56,125 even though when my 18-year-old son does say, "I love you," 874 00:39:56,209 --> 00:39:58,294 it does sound like he's auditioning 875 00:39:58,378 --> 00:40:00,672 for an acting part he really doesn't want. 876 00:40:01,548 --> 00:40:02,840 [lethargic voice] "Love you, Dad." 877 00:40:03,466 --> 00:40:05,760 [normal] "Okay, that was a good start. Let's try it again. 878 00:40:05,843 --> 00:40:06,886 [laughter] 879 00:40:06,970 --> 00:40:09,639 "Uh, this time, I wanna hear some more affection, 880 00:40:09,722 --> 00:40:11,724 maybe sense a relationship." 881 00:40:12,934 --> 00:40:15,562 -[lethargic] "Love you, Dad." -[laughter] 882 00:40:15,937 --> 00:40:18,273 [normal] "Alright, well, we'll let you know. Thanks for coming in." 883 00:40:18,356 --> 00:40:20,233 -[audience laughing] -Alright... 884 00:40:20,316 --> 00:40:23,319 [applause, cheering] 885 00:40:27,532 --> 00:40:31,494 Parenting is hard, and it gets progressively harder. 886 00:40:31,578 --> 00:40:33,454 That's what they don't tell you when you have a baby. 887 00:40:33,538 --> 00:40:34,873 I guess it would be inappropriate. 888 00:40:34,956 --> 00:40:37,458 "Congratulations. It's gonna get really hard." 889 00:40:37,542 --> 00:40:38,793 [laughter] 890 00:40:38,877 --> 00:40:41,713 So, as a new parent, you have to figure it out on your own. 891 00:40:41,796 --> 00:40:45,133 And a baby, a newborn, they're so fragile, they're so dependent. 892 00:40:45,216 --> 00:40:47,427 You help them burp. The new parent thinks, 893 00:40:47,510 --> 00:40:49,804 "Oh, this must be the hard part. This is the hard part." 894 00:40:49,888 --> 00:40:52,473 -Not the hard part. -[laughter] 895 00:40:52,557 --> 00:40:55,310 Then the child becomes a toddler. It's chaos. 896 00:40:55,393 --> 00:40:56,978 They're screaming in grocery stores. 897 00:40:57,061 --> 00:41:00,440 You're literally stopping them from accidentally killing themselves. 898 00:41:01,566 --> 00:41:04,611 The parent thinks, "Oh, this is the hard part. This is the hard part." 899 00:41:04,694 --> 00:41:06,946 -Not the hard part. -[laughter] 900 00:41:07,030 --> 00:41:09,657 Then, the child becomes a teenager, and the parents are like, 901 00:41:09,741 --> 00:41:11,743 "Oh, this whole thing was a mistake. 902 00:41:11,826 --> 00:41:15,538 [laughter, applause] 903 00:41:15,622 --> 00:41:17,624 We shouldn't have done this." 904 00:41:17,707 --> 00:41:21,211 -[audience cheering] -[Jim sighs] 905 00:41:25,215 --> 00:41:29,093 Parenting is the only thing you can do for 13 years, 906 00:41:29,177 --> 00:41:30,929 13 years, and then suddenly, 907 00:41:31,012 --> 00:41:32,764 you're really bad at it. 908 00:41:32,847 --> 00:41:34,515 [audience laughing] 909 00:41:34,599 --> 00:41:37,393 It's God's cruelest joke 910 00:41:37,477 --> 00:41:40,271 'cause you know he's sitting up there, just watching. 911 00:41:40,355 --> 00:41:43,316 He's like... [maniacal laughter] 912 00:41:43,399 --> 00:41:46,736 "They think they're pretty good at the parenting thing, huh? 913 00:41:46,819 --> 00:41:49,072 -"Watch this. -[laughter] 914 00:41:49,155 --> 00:41:52,033 Cue the hormones!" [maniacal laughter] 915 00:41:53,618 --> 00:41:56,412 This reminds me of when Jesus was a teenager. 916 00:41:57,205 --> 00:41:59,290 You know, he used to vape. 917 00:41:59,374 --> 00:42:02,377 [applause, laughter] 918 00:42:03,920 --> 00:42:05,922 Anyone here have a teenager? 919 00:42:06,005 --> 00:42:08,174 [applause, cheering] 920 00:42:08,258 --> 00:42:09,717 Ooh... 921 00:42:09,801 --> 00:42:11,928 I love that forced enthusiasm. 922 00:42:12,011 --> 00:42:13,805 [laughter] 923 00:42:15,223 --> 00:42:18,309 The best is when empty nesters talk about the teenage years 924 00:42:18,393 --> 00:42:21,396 'cause they always sound like they're describing a hurricane. 925 00:42:22,313 --> 00:42:25,733 "My wife and I thought we were prepared. We lost everything." 926 00:42:25,817 --> 00:42:28,820 [audience laughing] 927 00:42:30,071 --> 00:42:32,740 That's why hurricanes are named after teenagers. 928 00:42:34,450 --> 00:42:37,161 Teenagers do make you realize parenting's a skill, 929 00:42:37,245 --> 00:42:39,372 but it's mostly luck, right? 930 00:42:39,455 --> 00:42:42,375 'Cause there are easy teenagers, and there are difficult teenagers. 931 00:42:42,458 --> 00:42:43,710 And if you have an easy teenager, 932 00:42:43,793 --> 00:42:45,461 that doesn't mean you're good at parenting. 933 00:42:45,545 --> 00:42:48,423 It just means God didn't think you could handle a hard one. 934 00:42:48,506 --> 00:42:50,675 [audience laughing] 935 00:42:50,758 --> 00:42:53,595 Parenting teenagers has made me a better comedian. 936 00:42:53,678 --> 00:42:56,890 -No, that's-- that's not it. -[laughter] 937 00:42:56,973 --> 00:42:58,600 A bitter comedian! 938 00:42:58,683 --> 00:43:00,351 [laughter] 939 00:43:00,435 --> 00:43:01,978 I know that sounds negative, 940 00:43:02,061 --> 00:43:05,315 but it is almost sad when a kid becomes a teenager, right? 941 00:43:05,398 --> 00:43:07,692 'Cause you have this cute 12-year-old, and then boom, 942 00:43:07,775 --> 00:43:09,444 they become Satan. 943 00:43:09,527 --> 00:43:11,154 [laughter] 944 00:43:11,237 --> 00:43:14,324 You can literally witness the curiosity and wonder 945 00:43:14,407 --> 00:43:17,410 transform into body odor and poor judgment. 946 00:43:17,493 --> 00:43:19,454 [laughter] 947 00:43:19,537 --> 00:43:21,789 And then, you, the parent, you're supposed to learn 948 00:43:21,873 --> 00:43:23,875 how to communicate with them! 949 00:43:24,876 --> 00:43:28,171 My wife emails me articles, "How to talk to your teenager." 950 00:43:28,254 --> 00:43:29,714 I'm like, "Delete." 951 00:43:29,797 --> 00:43:31,799 [audience laughing] 952 00:43:31,883 --> 00:43:35,303 -[applause, cheering] -She's always like, 953 00:43:35,386 --> 00:43:37,889 [whiny] "How do you expect to communicate with our teenagers?" 954 00:43:37,972 --> 00:43:39,724 [normal] I'm gonna try English. 955 00:43:39,807 --> 00:43:42,018 [audience laughing] 956 00:43:42,101 --> 00:43:45,605 They do hear things differently. Like, if I tell my 14-year-old daughter, 957 00:43:45,688 --> 00:43:47,649 "Hurry up, we're running late," she hears, 958 00:43:47,732 --> 00:43:50,318 -"I'm gonna kill you." -[laughter] 959 00:43:50,401 --> 00:43:53,029 But then, we talk it through and come to an agreement 960 00:43:53,112 --> 00:43:56,157 -that I'm a horrible person. -[laughter] 961 00:43:56,241 --> 00:43:58,368 And then, I go drink alcohol. 962 00:43:59,619 --> 00:44:01,788 Do you ever notice in commercials for alcohol, 963 00:44:01,871 --> 00:44:04,374 people are always laughing and having a good time? 964 00:44:05,124 --> 00:44:09,170 I'd just like to see one print ad that shows some expressionless dad 965 00:44:09,254 --> 00:44:11,714 sitting alone at a kitchen table 966 00:44:11,798 --> 00:44:13,633 with a bottle of booze. 967 00:44:13,716 --> 00:44:17,011 [audience laughing] 968 00:44:17,095 --> 00:44:20,098 [applause, cheering] 969 00:44:24,310 --> 00:44:25,770 The tagline would be like, 970 00:44:25,853 --> 00:44:29,232 "Bourbon, 'cause you're trapped and suicide's off the table." 971 00:44:29,315 --> 00:44:31,609 [audience laughing] 972 00:44:31,693 --> 00:44:33,152 Is that too negative? That's too negative. 973 00:44:33,236 --> 00:44:34,237 [Jim laughs] 974 00:44:34,779 --> 00:44:36,239 There are teenagers in the audience like, 975 00:44:36,322 --> 00:44:37,991 "Why the hell am I here? 976 00:44:38,074 --> 00:44:40,326 [audience laughing] 977 00:44:40,410 --> 00:44:43,705 I had no idea this guy was such a colossal dick." 978 00:44:43,788 --> 00:44:45,290 [laughter] 979 00:44:47,041 --> 00:44:49,127 We should acknowledge being a teenager today 980 00:44:49,210 --> 00:44:51,004 is the hardest it's been in generations. 981 00:44:51,087 --> 00:44:54,632 What these teenagers have to deal with, it's insane. 982 00:44:54,716 --> 00:44:57,552 -[applause, cheering] -Right? 983 00:44:57,635 --> 00:44:59,679 Social media, the prevalence of drugs, 984 00:44:59,762 --> 00:45:01,931 pornography's everywhere. I guess what I'm saying 985 00:45:02,015 --> 00:45:05,268 -is I wish I was a teenager. -[laughter] 986 00:45:05,351 --> 00:45:08,354 I had to walk a mile and a half for cigarettes. 987 00:45:09,898 --> 00:45:12,066 I think the greatest irony of teenagers 988 00:45:12,150 --> 00:45:14,736 is that they're embarrassed of their parents. 989 00:45:14,819 --> 00:45:16,905 It's like, "Oh, you're embarrassed of me? 990 00:45:16,988 --> 00:45:19,657 [audience laughing] 991 00:45:19,741 --> 00:45:21,743 Have you looked in the mirror?" 992 00:45:23,119 --> 00:45:25,955 Each of my teenagers has come up to me at different points and been like, 993 00:45:26,039 --> 00:45:28,041 "Hey, can you act like you don't know me?" 994 00:45:28,124 --> 00:45:29,459 [laughter] 995 00:45:29,542 --> 00:45:31,169 We can make that permanent. 996 00:45:31,252 --> 00:45:34,255 [applause, laughter] 997 00:45:38,468 --> 00:45:40,845 It's amazing how consistent 998 00:45:40,929 --> 00:45:44,474 the theme of embarrassment is throughout parenting, right? 999 00:45:44,557 --> 00:45:45,975 'Cause when your kids are little, 1000 00:45:46,059 --> 00:45:48,269 they're constantly embarrassing you, right? 1001 00:45:48,353 --> 00:45:50,647 Some of the things they say or scream, they're like, 1002 00:45:50,730 --> 00:45:52,815 [whiny] "Why is that guy so fat? 1003 00:45:52,899 --> 00:45:54,400 [laughter] 1004 00:45:55,443 --> 00:45:56,986 "Is that woman a witch? 1005 00:45:57,070 --> 00:45:58,821 [sighs] 1006 00:45:58,905 --> 00:46:00,907 -Jews! Jews!" -[laughter] 1007 00:46:02,659 --> 00:46:04,285 "It's juice! 1008 00:46:04,369 --> 00:46:06,538 [laughter] 1009 00:46:06,621 --> 00:46:08,122 "Juice! 1010 00:46:08,873 --> 00:46:11,668 -Please say juice." -[laughing, applause] 1011 00:46:11,751 --> 00:46:14,128 That actually happened to me. 1012 00:46:14,212 --> 00:46:16,673 I was in a Whole Foods in New York City... 1013 00:46:16,756 --> 00:46:17,799 [audience groaning] 1014 00:46:17,882 --> 00:46:21,511 ...and my two blonde children were screaming for Jews. 1015 00:46:21,594 --> 00:46:23,137 [laughter] 1016 00:46:23,221 --> 00:46:26,474 They were demanding Jews in a way that would lead you to believe 1017 00:46:26,558 --> 00:46:28,810 they've been delivered Jews before. 1018 00:46:28,893 --> 00:46:30,395 [laughter] 1019 00:46:30,478 --> 00:46:32,730 "Jews, Jews." "Juice! Juice! 1020 00:46:33,481 --> 00:46:36,734 -"For the love of Jesus, please say juice. -[laughter] 1021 00:46:36,818 --> 00:46:38,778 [nervous laugh] "They love juice. 1022 00:46:39,863 --> 00:46:43,324 -"Not Jews. I mean, they love Jews, too! -[laughter] 1023 00:46:43,408 --> 00:46:46,494 "They get that from me. I'm a Jew lover. [nervous laugh] 1024 00:46:46,578 --> 00:46:48,872 -Love me some Jews." -[applause] 1025 00:46:51,374 --> 00:46:53,126 Your kids consistently embarrass you. 1026 00:46:53,209 --> 00:46:56,045 And then one day, out of nowhere, 1027 00:46:56,129 --> 00:46:59,424 you're the biggest source of humiliation in their life! 1028 00:46:59,507 --> 00:47:00,508 [laughter] 1029 00:47:00,592 --> 00:47:03,553 They don't tell you when that happens, and there are strict rules 1030 00:47:03,636 --> 00:47:06,431 that you only learn about when you break them. 1031 00:47:06,514 --> 00:47:07,807 [laughter] 1032 00:47:07,891 --> 00:47:10,268 I was at dinner recently, and my 14-year-old daughter was like, 1033 00:47:10,351 --> 00:47:13,313 [whiny] "And then, Dad walked into the high school." 1034 00:47:13,396 --> 00:47:15,899 [audience laughing] 1035 00:47:18,151 --> 00:47:21,154 [normal] My wife was like, "Honey, you didn't go into the school, did you?" 1036 00:47:21,237 --> 00:47:22,864 [laughter] 1037 00:47:23,907 --> 00:47:26,409 "But, but... i-it was cold out. 1038 00:47:28,828 --> 00:47:32,123 -Wh-What planet are we on?" -[audience laughing] 1039 00:47:34,626 --> 00:47:36,127 We have three teenagers 1040 00:47:36,211 --> 00:47:39,005 plus a 12-year-old plus an 11-year-old. 1041 00:47:39,088 --> 00:47:41,883 -Forecast, not great. -[laughter] 1042 00:47:41,966 --> 00:47:44,260 Definitely hurricane season. 1043 00:47:44,344 --> 00:47:46,763 And I freely admit my wife has it harder, much harder, 1044 00:47:46,846 --> 00:47:48,848 but this whole thing is kind of her fault. 1045 00:47:49,849 --> 00:47:51,976 These children didn't come outta my body. 1046 00:47:53,019 --> 00:47:56,022 -In a way, they're not even my kids. -[laughter] 1047 00:47:56,105 --> 00:47:58,149 Now, I don't wanna sound like a conspiracy theorist, 1048 00:47:58,233 --> 00:48:01,194 but that whole sperm fertilizing the egg thing? 1049 00:48:01,277 --> 00:48:03,071 I've never seen that in person. 1050 00:48:03,154 --> 00:48:04,781 [laughter] 1051 00:48:04,864 --> 00:48:07,075 I've seen a simulation of it. 1052 00:48:07,158 --> 00:48:10,036 You know, how you might stage a landing on the moon? 1053 00:48:10,119 --> 00:48:11,287 [laughter] 1054 00:48:13,081 --> 00:48:15,792 Men should be suspicious. 1055 00:48:15,875 --> 00:48:18,545 Women discover they're gonna become a parent. 1056 00:48:18,628 --> 00:48:21,005 -Men are told. -[laughter] 1057 00:48:21,089 --> 00:48:23,800 Men find out they're gonna be a father the same way they learn 1058 00:48:23,883 --> 00:48:26,261 -they have a terminal illness. -[laughter] 1059 00:48:26,344 --> 00:48:29,347 Someone comes up and goes, "You should sit down." 1060 00:48:31,182 --> 00:48:34,185 And men have a similar response. [hoarse voice] "How much time do I got?" 1061 00:48:34,269 --> 00:48:36,396 [applause, laughter] 1062 00:48:38,648 --> 00:48:39,983 Of course, with paternity tests, 1063 00:48:40,066 --> 00:48:42,902 now we can scientifically prove who the father is, 1064 00:48:42,986 --> 00:48:45,238 but for most of human existence, 1065 00:48:45,321 --> 00:48:47,448 the guy just had to believe what he was told. 1066 00:48:47,532 --> 00:48:49,701 [high voice] "I'm pregnant. You're the father." 1067 00:48:50,326 --> 00:48:52,871 [normal] "I haven't been home for two years." 1068 00:48:52,954 --> 00:48:54,539 [laughter] 1069 00:48:54,622 --> 00:48:56,875 [high voice] "It's a miracle." 1070 00:48:59,002 --> 00:49:01,004 [normal] Occasionally, you'll hear about a paternity test. 1071 00:49:01,087 --> 00:49:04,090 You never hear about a maternity test though. 1072 00:49:05,967 --> 00:49:08,553 [audience laughing] 1073 00:49:08,636 --> 00:49:11,139 How do we really know who the mother is? 1074 00:49:12,974 --> 00:49:14,976 "Uh, the child came out of my body." 1075 00:49:15,059 --> 00:49:17,770 Well then, you shouldn't be afraid to take a test. 1076 00:49:17,854 --> 00:49:19,856 [laughter] 1077 00:49:20,690 --> 00:49:23,610 Okay, Jim, that's the dumbest joke of the night. 1078 00:49:24,235 --> 00:49:26,070 That one? [scoffs] 1079 00:49:26,863 --> 00:49:30,533 Obviously, paternity tests exist because some men are garbage. 1080 00:49:30,617 --> 00:49:32,118 And I tell you, as the father of five, 1081 00:49:32,202 --> 00:49:34,204 when I hear about these men that abandon their children, 1082 00:49:34,287 --> 00:49:36,289 I am so filled with jealousy. 1083 00:49:36,372 --> 00:49:38,333 [laughter] 1084 00:49:38,416 --> 00:49:41,211 There's no excuse. [laughs] There's no excuse. 1085 00:49:41,294 --> 00:49:44,380 But, nothing prepares a man for parenthood. 1086 00:49:44,464 --> 00:49:47,008 Like, a woman goes through a whole physiological change. 1087 00:49:47,091 --> 00:49:49,802 Not only growing the baby, but there's morning sickness, 1088 00:49:49,886 --> 00:49:52,347 a nesting instinct takes over. 1089 00:49:52,430 --> 00:49:55,475 For a guy during the entire pregnancy, they feel the same, 1090 00:49:55,558 --> 00:49:57,602 -worthless. -[laughter] 1091 00:49:57,685 --> 00:50:00,396 Which, in a way, prepares them for fatherhood. 1092 00:50:01,689 --> 00:50:02,690 Right? 1093 00:50:02,774 --> 00:50:05,193 I think fathers are generally under-appreciated. 1094 00:50:05,276 --> 00:50:07,111 Who would agree with me, right? 1095 00:50:07,195 --> 00:50:11,032 -[men clap, cheer] -Listen to these divorced dads! Right? 1096 00:50:12,784 --> 00:50:16,287 Obviously, the mom is the hero of the story, right? 1097 00:50:16,371 --> 00:50:18,873 [women clap, cheer] 1098 00:50:18,957 --> 00:50:22,293 When someone becomes famous, they buy their mom a house. 1099 00:50:22,377 --> 00:50:24,879 They don't even invite the dad to live there. 1100 00:50:24,963 --> 00:50:26,673 [laughter] 1101 00:50:26,756 --> 00:50:29,467 Often, it's easier to understand a mother's contribution. 1102 00:50:29,551 --> 00:50:32,887 I see it in my family. My children see, on a daily basis, 1103 00:50:32,971 --> 00:50:34,430 what my wife does for them. 1104 00:50:34,514 --> 00:50:36,349 Yet, when I travel the country, 1105 00:50:36,432 --> 00:50:38,810 eating steak and complaining about my kids... 1106 00:50:38,893 --> 00:50:41,020 [laughter] 1107 00:50:41,104 --> 00:50:43,606 ...do I get credit? I sure don't. 1108 00:50:47,277 --> 00:50:51,155 Being a dad is like being a backup quarterback in the NFL. 1109 00:50:52,448 --> 00:50:54,951 You're on the team, but you're not the star. 1110 00:50:55,618 --> 00:50:58,496 And on those rare occasions you're brought into the game, 1111 00:50:58,580 --> 00:51:01,958 -people are nervous, you know? -[laughter] 1112 00:51:03,084 --> 00:51:05,670 [applause] 1113 00:51:05,753 --> 00:51:08,756 -Oh, thank you. -[cheering] 1114 00:51:12,302 --> 00:51:15,597 It's amazing how the status of father has changed in our society. 1115 00:51:15,680 --> 00:51:18,391 You know, in the 1950s, there was a television show 1116 00:51:18,474 --> 00:51:20,560 called Father Knows Best. 1117 00:51:20,643 --> 00:51:21,728 Father Knows Best. 1118 00:51:21,811 --> 00:51:23,980 And they-- and they weren't being ironic. They weren't like, 1119 00:51:24,063 --> 00:51:27,066 [condescending] "Wouldn't it be hysterical if a dad knew anything?" 1120 00:51:27,150 --> 00:51:28,776 [laughter] 1121 00:51:28,860 --> 00:51:30,570 [normal] They were sincere 'cause at that time, 1122 00:51:30,653 --> 00:51:32,197 the prevailing belief 1123 00:51:32,280 --> 00:51:34,991 was that a father did know best. 1124 00:51:35,074 --> 00:51:38,119 Not only would they never do that show today, 1125 00:51:38,203 --> 00:51:40,955 if you gave someone the prompt, "Father knows," 1126 00:51:41,039 --> 00:51:44,626 -no one would say, "best." -[laughter] 1127 00:51:44,709 --> 00:51:46,169 If you're like, "Father knows..." 1128 00:51:46,252 --> 00:51:49,255 "Uh, how to make an old fashioned? I don't know." 1129 00:51:49,339 --> 00:51:51,132 [laughter] 1130 00:51:51,216 --> 00:51:54,469 Even if you went up to a dad, you're like, "Father knows..." 1131 00:51:54,552 --> 00:51:57,472 "Uh, when to say-- I d-- I don't know, ask my wife. 1132 00:51:58,640 --> 00:52:01,601 "What the hell do you want me to say? I'm not yelling! You're yelling! 1133 00:52:01,684 --> 00:52:03,645 [laughter] 1134 00:52:03,728 --> 00:52:05,980 You want an old fashioned? Alright, I'll make you an old fashioned." 1135 00:52:06,064 --> 00:52:07,857 [grunting] 1136 00:52:08,983 --> 00:52:10,443 I'm lucky. My wife, 1137 00:52:10,527 --> 00:52:13,196 my starting quarterback, is amazing. 1138 00:52:13,279 --> 00:52:16,908 Uh, we've been married for 20 years. Can you believe that? Twenty years. 1139 00:52:16,991 --> 00:52:19,536 [applause, cheering] 1140 00:52:19,619 --> 00:52:20,620 Twenty years. 1141 00:52:20,703 --> 00:52:23,414 And, uh, we have a great marriage, from what you know. 1142 00:52:23,498 --> 00:52:24,749 [laughter] 1143 00:52:24,832 --> 00:52:28,253 'Cause you never really know what's going on in someone else's marriage, right? 1144 00:52:28,336 --> 00:52:29,337 You might think you do, but you-- 1145 00:52:29,420 --> 00:52:31,714 when you hear about a divorce, you're always surprised. 1146 00:52:31,798 --> 00:52:35,426 Sometimes, you realize it was all an act, right? 1147 00:52:35,510 --> 00:52:37,262 Like, there, there should be awards. 1148 00:52:37,345 --> 00:52:41,307 "The nominees for best performance in an unhappy marriage are..." 1149 00:52:41,391 --> 00:52:43,184 [laughter] 1150 00:52:43,268 --> 00:52:45,478 "Oh, she was good. She was very good. 1151 00:52:46,479 --> 00:52:48,731 I had no idea she despised him." 1152 00:52:50,567 --> 00:52:52,193 No, my wife is amazing, 1153 00:52:52,277 --> 00:52:54,904 -or her performance is amazing. -[laughter] 1154 00:52:54,988 --> 00:52:56,698 No, my wife-- And she does everything. 1155 00:52:56,781 --> 00:52:58,533 And she's done that since the start of our marriage. 1156 00:52:58,616 --> 00:53:00,869 She planned our whole wedding. She's very Catholic, 1157 00:53:00,952 --> 00:53:04,497 so she picked out every reading in, in the whole service. 1158 00:53:04,581 --> 00:53:08,209 And I remember watching my brother-in-law read 1 Corinthians. 1159 00:53:08,293 --> 00:53:10,295 If you don't know, that's the, [whiny] "Love is patient. 1160 00:53:10,378 --> 00:53:13,631 Love is kind. Love is... [gibberish]." 1161 00:53:13,715 --> 00:53:16,426 -[normal] That's how it sounded to me. -[audience laughing] 1162 00:53:18,052 --> 00:53:20,972 But, I remember it so vividly because it ends with, 1163 00:53:21,055 --> 00:53:23,725 "Love doesn't keep a record." 1164 00:53:23,808 --> 00:53:26,394 And I tell you, after 20 years of marriage, 1165 00:53:26,477 --> 00:53:28,229 my wife has done one thing. 1166 00:53:28,313 --> 00:53:31,191 -Keep a record... -[laughter, applause] 1167 00:53:31,274 --> 00:53:34,277 of every mistake I've ever made. 1168 00:53:35,111 --> 00:53:39,073 She has receipts going back to our first date. 1169 00:53:39,157 --> 00:53:41,576 She brings up stuff before we even met. 1170 00:53:42,243 --> 00:53:45,288 [nasal] "I remember seeing you in the neighborhood. You looked so arrogant." 1171 00:53:45,371 --> 00:53:47,582 [laughter] 1172 00:53:47,665 --> 00:53:49,167 [normal] She remembers everything! 1173 00:53:49,250 --> 00:53:52,003 I can't tell you what happened a half hour ago. 1174 00:53:52,086 --> 00:53:54,088 It's not fair. [laughs] 1175 00:53:54,172 --> 00:53:57,759 I'll be like, "Hey, I thought we agreed." "What did I say exactly?" 1176 00:53:57,842 --> 00:54:01,137 [audience laughing] 1177 00:54:01,221 --> 00:54:02,805 "You win." 1178 00:54:04,390 --> 00:54:06,684 Her memory is so good. I'm convinced she heard 1179 00:54:06,768 --> 00:54:09,145 a different 1 Corinthians. 1180 00:54:09,229 --> 00:54:12,148 "Love does keep a record. Love is slightly annoyed. 1181 00:54:12,232 --> 00:54:15,151 "Love doesn't appreciate you coming back from being out of town [inhales] 1182 00:54:15,235 --> 00:54:18,655 and second-guessing decisions I've made. It undermines me. Amen." 1183 00:54:18,738 --> 00:54:21,282 [laughter] 1184 00:54:21,366 --> 00:54:24,369 [applause, cheering] 1185 00:54:26,871 --> 00:54:29,207 She's pretty amazing. I have no complaints. 1186 00:54:29,290 --> 00:54:31,960 -Well, if there was one complaint... -[laughter] 1187 00:54:32,043 --> 00:54:34,879 Not a complaint, an observation. 1188 00:54:34,963 --> 00:54:37,048 My wife's not a fan of our dog. 1189 00:54:37,131 --> 00:54:40,176 Well, she's indifferent to our dog. But, you know, to a dog lover, 1190 00:54:40,260 --> 00:54:42,929 people that are indifferent to dogs seem like sociopaths. 1191 00:54:43,012 --> 00:54:44,305 [laughing, applause] 1192 00:54:44,389 --> 00:54:47,517 It's like, "You don't love dogs? Who hurt you?" 1193 00:54:48,518 --> 00:54:52,105 There's no excuse to not love dogs! 1194 00:54:52,188 --> 00:54:54,399 I mean, my wife's allergic. That's one excuse. 1195 00:54:54,482 --> 00:54:55,608 [laughter] 1196 00:54:55,692 --> 00:54:59,237 But our dog is so sweet and will not leave my wife alone. 1197 00:55:00,238 --> 00:55:03,199 Whenever my wife enters the room, the dog climbs all over her, sneezing. 1198 00:55:03,283 --> 00:55:05,743 And as my wife pushes the dog away, 1199 00:55:05,827 --> 00:55:09,664 so that she can breathe, there's always part of me that thinks, 1200 00:55:09,747 --> 00:55:11,749 "Hey, don't be mean to my dog." 1201 00:55:11,833 --> 00:55:14,127 [laughter] 1202 00:55:14,210 --> 00:55:16,296 Now, you may be wondering, "If your wife's allergic, 1203 00:55:16,379 --> 00:55:18,006 "why do you even have a dog? 1204 00:55:18,089 --> 00:55:20,425 Did you get the dog, and then discover your wife's allergic?" 1205 00:55:20,508 --> 00:55:23,094 -No. -[laughter] 1206 00:55:23,177 --> 00:55:25,263 I've known my wife's allergic for 20 years, 1207 00:55:25,346 --> 00:55:27,473 and I never expected us to get a dog. 1208 00:55:27,557 --> 00:55:30,560 I never did. I mean, we live in an apartment in New York City. 1209 00:55:30,643 --> 00:55:32,395 We have five children. I travel constantly. 1210 00:55:32,478 --> 00:55:33,980 We're not getting a dog. 1211 00:55:34,063 --> 00:55:36,858 But then, the pandemic happened, 1212 00:55:36,941 --> 00:55:39,569 and all the reasons to not get a dog seemed to disappear. 1213 00:55:39,652 --> 00:55:42,488 We rented a house in the suburbs with a big yard. 1214 00:55:42,572 --> 00:55:44,115 I stopped traveling. 1215 00:55:44,199 --> 00:55:46,618 My wife's allergies didn't change. 1216 00:55:46,701 --> 00:55:49,329 [audience laughing] 1217 00:55:49,412 --> 00:55:51,581 Mainly, my kids started begging for a dog. 1218 00:55:51,664 --> 00:55:54,584 "Can we get a dog? Can we get a dog?" It was like on a daily basis. 1219 00:55:54,667 --> 00:55:56,711 So, I told my wife, I'm like, "Let me handle this." 1220 00:55:56,794 --> 00:55:59,422 So, I called a family meeting, and I stood next to my wife, 1221 00:55:59,505 --> 00:56:01,132 and I said, "Once and for all, 1222 00:56:01,216 --> 00:56:03,343 "your mother is allergic to dogs. 1223 00:56:03,426 --> 00:56:06,179 When she's around dogs, she feels physically ill." 1224 00:56:06,262 --> 00:56:08,223 And my youngest, he's so sweet. He was like, 1225 00:56:08,306 --> 00:56:10,808 [high voice] "Can't Mom just get a shot in her stomach?" 1226 00:56:10,892 --> 00:56:12,936 [laughter] 1227 00:56:13,019 --> 00:56:14,812 He reminds me of myself. 1228 00:56:16,189 --> 00:56:17,565 So, I turned to my wife, and I was like, 1229 00:56:17,649 --> 00:56:19,651 "Can't you just get a shot in your stomach?" 1230 00:56:20,485 --> 00:56:22,362 She was like, "What the hell are you doing?" I was like, 1231 00:56:22,445 --> 00:56:24,531 "I don't know why you're mad at me. He's the one who asked." 1232 00:56:24,614 --> 00:56:26,991 -[audience laughing] -[Jim laughs] 1233 00:56:27,075 --> 00:56:28,576 She didn't think it was funny. 1234 00:56:29,577 --> 00:56:31,371 And I could see that we weren't getting anywhere, 1235 00:56:31,454 --> 00:56:33,373 so I proposed a compromise. 1236 00:56:33,456 --> 00:56:36,125 I was like, "What if we fostered a dog? 1237 00:56:36,209 --> 00:56:40,922 "The dog would only live with us until a permanent home was found, or... 1238 00:56:41,005 --> 00:56:44,467 -my wife died." -[audience laughing] 1239 00:56:44,551 --> 00:56:48,555 She really didn't think that was funny and left the room. 1240 00:56:48,638 --> 00:56:50,598 But, the next day, outta nowhere, she was like, 1241 00:56:50,682 --> 00:56:53,810 "Alright, fine, we can foster a dog, but we're not keeping it." 1242 00:56:53,893 --> 00:56:55,228 And I was like, "We're not keeping it." 1243 00:56:55,311 --> 00:56:57,438 So I went and I got this dog, and I brought it home. 1244 00:56:57,522 --> 00:56:59,023 And the most incredible thing happened. 1245 00:56:59,107 --> 00:57:01,109 Not only did my children fall in love with this dog, 1246 00:57:01,192 --> 00:57:03,444 but slowly, over time, 1247 00:57:03,528 --> 00:57:05,697 and being occasionally exposed to the dog, 1248 00:57:05,780 --> 00:57:07,490 my wife's allergies... 1249 00:57:07,574 --> 00:57:10,577 -didn't change. -[audience laughing] 1250 00:57:12,662 --> 00:57:15,623 But, she witnessed how much my children loved the dog. 1251 00:57:15,707 --> 00:57:18,334 So, she decided we could keep the dog. 1252 00:57:18,418 --> 00:57:21,254 She made that sacrifice for my family, and it made me realize 1253 00:57:21,337 --> 00:57:23,339 I don't get enough credit. 1254 00:57:23,423 --> 00:57:26,134 [audience laughing] 1255 00:57:26,217 --> 00:57:29,721 I don't bring this up a lot, but I think I'm allergic to children. 1256 00:57:29,804 --> 00:57:31,681 [laughter] 1257 00:57:32,348 --> 00:57:35,727 And we got five of those. You know, we only got one dog, 1258 00:57:35,810 --> 00:57:38,187 and it's not a competition, but I win. 1259 00:57:38,271 --> 00:57:40,815 [laughter] 1260 00:57:40,899 --> 00:57:44,360 After we had the dog for like a month, my wife was feeling sluggish. 1261 00:57:44,444 --> 00:57:46,529 We thought she had COVID. She kept testing negative. 1262 00:57:46,613 --> 00:57:48,823 So, she, she went to the doctor, and they took a blood test, 1263 00:57:48,907 --> 00:57:51,492 and they discovered she had contracted Lyme disease. 1264 00:57:51,576 --> 00:57:52,577 [audience gasps] 1265 00:57:52,660 --> 00:57:54,412 Which is something you get from a tick, 1266 00:57:54,495 --> 00:57:57,290 which is something that dogs foster. 1267 00:57:57,373 --> 00:57:58,583 [laughter] 1268 00:57:58,666 --> 00:58:00,251 She told me this over the phone, and I was like, 1269 00:58:00,335 --> 00:58:02,587 -"Oh, she's gonna kill me. -[laughter] 1270 00:58:02,670 --> 00:58:05,340 She is. She's gonna kill me, and she has every right to kill me." 1271 00:58:05,423 --> 00:58:07,967 And I just braced myself as she drove home. 1272 00:58:08,051 --> 00:58:09,385 But, when she got in the house, 1273 00:58:09,469 --> 00:58:11,137 she very calmly walked up to me, and she goes, 1274 00:58:11,221 --> 00:58:14,098 "Well I have Lyme disease because of that dog. 1275 00:58:14,182 --> 00:58:15,808 What do you have to say for yourself?" 1276 00:58:15,892 --> 00:58:17,685 And I said the only thing I could say, I was like, 1277 00:58:17,769 --> 00:58:19,771 "Well, you're the one who wanted the dog." 1278 00:58:19,854 --> 00:58:22,440 [audience laughing] 1279 00:58:22,524 --> 00:58:24,150 [applause] 1280 00:58:24,234 --> 00:58:25,485 And she said... 1281 00:58:26,444 --> 00:58:29,614 She said, "Don't gaslight me." And I was like, 1282 00:58:29,697 --> 00:58:32,951 -"I've never heard that term before." -[laughter] 1283 00:58:33,034 --> 00:58:34,869 She was like, "You've never heard of gaslighting?" 1284 00:58:34,953 --> 00:58:37,956 And I was like, "I don't think anyone on this planet 1285 00:58:38,373 --> 00:58:41,543 has heard of gaslighting. You might be going crazy." 1286 00:58:41,626 --> 00:58:44,712 [audience laughing] 1287 00:58:44,796 --> 00:58:47,590 Now, I'm sensing some tension in the room. [laughs] 1288 00:58:48,383 --> 00:58:50,009 What you have to understand 1289 00:58:50,093 --> 00:58:52,387 is that the Lyme disease is gone. She's fine. 1290 00:58:52,470 --> 00:58:55,765 And by the way, also, my wife is the strongest person I've ever met. 1291 00:58:55,848 --> 00:58:59,060 Those five children, she gave birth to each of those children 1292 00:58:59,143 --> 00:59:01,354 in our apartment. No drugs. 1293 00:59:01,437 --> 00:59:03,481 She had Lyme disease. It's gone. She's fine. 1294 00:59:03,565 --> 00:59:06,860 Before that, she had a brain tumor. It's gone. She's fine. 1295 00:59:06,943 --> 00:59:08,403 And I asked her at one point, I go, 1296 00:59:08,486 --> 00:59:10,572 "What's been the biggest challenge you've encountered?" 1297 00:59:10,655 --> 00:59:12,657 And she said, "Being married to you." 1298 00:59:12,740 --> 00:59:15,743 [laughter, applause] 1299 00:59:15,827 --> 00:59:18,830 [cheering] 1300 00:59:22,876 --> 00:59:24,544 And I have to tell you, 1301 00:59:24,627 --> 00:59:27,422 -I take pride in that. -[laughter] 1302 00:59:27,505 --> 00:59:30,675 Alright, you guys have been a delight. Thank you very much. 1303 00:59:30,758 --> 00:59:34,387 [applause, cheering] 1304 00:59:43,938 --> 00:59:46,232 ♪ My friends all call me Casper ♪ 1305 00:59:46,316 --> 00:59:49,110 ♪ 'Cause I ghost them all the time ♪ 1306 00:59:49,611 --> 00:59:52,113 ♪ My skin's like alabaster ♪ 1307 00:59:52,197 --> 00:59:55,450 ♪ 'Cause the sun don't ever shine on me ♪ 1308 00:59:55,867 --> 00:59:58,536 ♪ Wanna be, I wanna be lonely ♪ 1309 00:59:58,620 --> 01:00:00,705 ♪ Wanna be, I wanna be, yeah ♪ 1310 01:00:00,788 --> 01:00:03,166 ♪ My friends all call me Casper ♪ 1311 01:00:03,249 --> 01:00:06,377 ♪ 'Cause they know I'm dead inside ♪ 1312 01:00:06,461 --> 01:00:09,255 ♪ Yeah, I've got a few screws loose ♪ 1313 01:00:09,339 --> 01:00:13,009 ♪ Out here makin' lemonade when everyone is sippin' orange juice ♪ 1314 01:00:13,092 --> 01:00:14,594 -♪ I've never played my cards right ♪ -♪ No ♪ 1315 01:00:14,677 --> 01:00:16,262 -♪ Yeah, I laid them on the table ♪ -♪ Freeze ♪ 1316 01:00:16,346 --> 01:00:18,765 ♪ Kept the aces up my sleeve ♪ 1317 01:00:18,848 --> 01:00:21,392 ♪ Tell you that you're wrong when you're really right, really right ♪ 1318 01:00:21,476 --> 01:00:24,562 ♪ You could start a fire from this gaslight ♪ 1319 01:00:24,646 --> 01:00:27,732 ♪ Holding on to lovers like a parasite, catch you in my headlights ♪ 1320 01:00:27,815 --> 01:00:29,400 ♪ Oops, it's a drive by ♪ 1321 01:00:30,193 --> 01:00:32,779 ♪ I don't know which way to go ♪ 1322 01:00:32,862 --> 01:00:35,156 ♪ So, I don't go anywhere ♪ 1323 01:00:36,032 --> 01:00:38,451 ♪ I kinda like my messed up life ♪ 1324 01:00:38,535 --> 01:00:40,370 ♪ So, why should I really care? ♪ 1325 01:00:40,453 --> 01:00:41,788 ♪ My friends all call me Casper... ♪ 1326 01:00:41,871 --> 01:00:42,872 [♪ song fades out] 1327 01:00:43,373 --> 01:00:45,083 [child] That's Mom and Dad.