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Ladies and gentlemen,
start clapping your hands and make a lotta noise...
...for Keith Robinson!
Oh, shit!
Goddamn!
- Good night!
That was a long-ass walk!
Oh, I had two strokes, man. Two!
Yeah. One more, I'm gonna be Mitch McConnell.
- Staring all...
I gotta admit, man,
the first stroke
wasn't shit.
I'm like, "What the fuck?"
"You call this a stroke?"
Now, the second stroke, oh, shit!
"Now this is a stroke."
Mwah!
Huh?
That's what I call "different strokes."
I should be kicked off the stage for that shit.
There's a lot of different strokes, there really are, man.
This woman was on Investigation Discovery.
Right? She had a stroke.
And became a psychotic killer.
I'm like, "Oh, fuck."
"I gotta worry about that now?"
I'm walking down the street, "Oh, shit."
"Oh, shit!"
"Am I gonna murder?"
I couldn't kill a bunny rabbit, what the fuck am I talking about, man?
But everybody... every audience I go to
people know somebody who had a stroke.
Right?
But they think they become stroke experts.
'Cause they tell me, "Come here, man."
Like they selling me drugs or some shit.
"My Uncle Bill had a stroke."
"He took four cups of green tea
with a tablespoon of Seemox."
"After six months,
no more stroke."
You gonna get the fuck out of my face, man.
I mean, I did it, I followed--
It is a pain in the ass, man, this stroke shit.
'Cause now it's like it's weird, man.
I was in Philadelphia
taking my grandkids
boxing, you know what I mean?
I was getting ready to try to park the car
when a UPS truck
drove and took my spot.
My handicapped spot.
Now, when you're handicapped, you become the Handicap Police.
I'm like, "What the fuck? Oh, no, you don't."
And I, like, beep the horn...
And I point to my placket.
Like it's a badge. I'm like...
He goes, "Get the fuck out of here."
Now I'm mad as shit, you know what I mean?
I step out my car,
close the door and lean against the car.
I'm waiting for him to bring his ass back.
I'm against the car trying to get my balance, you know what I mean?
He gone come, I see him walking. "Come here for a minute."
He come on the right side.
"No, could you move to the left a little bit?"
You know what I mean? Eh, ah!
I could do a one over on him, you know what I mean?
A little slip and a turn, mmm!
He'd beat my ass though, you know?
A lot of people ask me, "What did you learn from having a stroke?"
Well, I learned, you know what I mean, to live in the moment.
Live in the now.
- Never... All right.
Never put off tomorrow what you can do today.
In other words,
if there is someone you wanna punch...
Punch them now!
Knock the shit out of them!
You know how many
unpunched faces I left out there?
Oh, shit, these strokes is a pain in the ass, man.
I don't like it whatsoever, man, I'm like, "What the fuck?"
You know what I mean? I'm brand new at this handicapped shit.
I never was handicapped before, I'm brand fucking new.
Only problem with that,
- sometimes--
There you go.
Now, some of you are clapping like, "Oh, yeah, that's all right,"
while some of you are clapping like I'm at the Special Olympics.
"Come on, you can do it!"
Mmm-mmm.
Oh.
Hurry up, here...
...white girl.
- Oh.
It's good to have friends, man.
It's very good to have friends.
You know, like, being handicapped, it's my first time being handicapped.
I never was handicapped ever.
The only problem with that, sometimes I forget that I am handicapped,
but I'm such an asshole...
...I find myself laughing at handicapped people.
You know what I mean? I see them walking,
I'm like, "Ah!"
They're like, "Look at you!" "Oh, shit."
"I forgot, man."
Y'all can laugh, don't worry about me.
Now I got my trusty cane.
It's noisy as shit.
You know what I mean? "Clunk! Clunk!"
I gotta put tennis balls on the bottom
to stop it being so fucking noisy, man.
But it just, "clunk, clunk, clunk."
I'm walking through the Village,
all the homeless guys are, like,
"Who that new motherfucker?"
I'm, like, "It's me."
But all of a sudden, people think I'm homeless because I got a fucking cane.
You know what I mean?
An old white guy...
I only have to tell what he did, but he's white.
He shook his... ...boxes of pizza at me. "Mmm?"
"I'm wearing a Tom Ford shirt, you motherfucker."
"The hell out of my face."
Eh?
Well, people... Like, they really think I'm homeless, man.
Like, this was last week.
I'm walking there. Beautiful girl.
She smile at me.
I smile at her. I'm, like, "Oh, shit, here we go."
This bitch...
...reaches in her bag.
"Are you hungry, sir?"
"Would you like a sandwich?"
"I don't want no damn sandwich, I want some pussy!"
- No.
- I didn't say that. I did not say that.
I didn't say it. I thought about it, but I didn't say it.
So I took her sandwich anyway.
But usually I wouldn't fuck with anybody, especially the comics.
We're comics.
Anybody can mess with an old man.
Ah.
You know what I mean?
I wasn't voted the funniest guy in elementary,
junior high school and high school
because I said nice, encouraging shit.
I ain't standing in front of a class,
"Hey, leave the fat kid with the glasses alone!"
But everybody can mess with me. Anybody.
Like, I see... Comics see stuff, we say certain things.
We're supposed to question the obvious.
You know what I mean?
Like today, in today's world, man, like, kids, eight, nine years old,
are telling their parents how they identify.
What the fuck?
I can't imagine my son coming to me at eight years old,
"Dad, I think I wanna be trans."
"Oh, son, we can't afford that right now."
"I just bought your ass a 60-pack of Fruit of the Loom, goddamn it!"
"We're gonna try this boy shit at least three more years."
Oh, come on, man.
That was not a transphobic joke.
That was an economics joke.
Now this is a transphobic joke, right.
Well, everybody like, "Oh, man, you can't say shit like that."
"You'll be cancelled."
"God already cancelled my right side, man."
"What more you want?!"
It's all that social media shit, that's the problem.
Everybody yapping.
It's too much yapping.
Everybody's fucking yapping and yapping and yapping.
Even so-called gangsters are yapping.
"Yo, my name is OG Deathtrap. I shoot at the block."
"I pull bitches by the hair!"
"If you like what I just said, hit that subscribe button for me."
"Hit the subscribe butt..." What the fuck?
But how I got over my stroke, man.
I ain't get over, but how, you know, I got through it.
My religion. I believe in God.
- You know what I mean?
Any religious people out there?
- Wow, that's, like, 12 people.
What the rest of you do? Go home and write manifestos? What the fuck?
What the hell?
Nah, man, I choose a religion
with the best afterlife program.
Some religions have better afterlife programs.
And some religions got real shitty afterlife programs.
One religion you got-- you get reincarnated
and come back here.
The fuck I'ma pick that shit, man.
What if I come back a white guy with a stroke, what the fuck, man?
Plus, I don't fuck with any religion whose worship service
don't produce R&B singers.
That's for the Black folks.
You haven't laughed at a damn thing I said so far, lady.
Don't look around, you!
She hates handicapped Black men, I'm sure of it.
What the fuck was that laugh?
I see the Black... It looks good seeing Black folks smiling.
You know, usually you go to a Black neighborhood,
they be... [unintelligible] ...face, [grunts].
Black folks, we don't get along,
until we're in an all-white country.
You'd be so happy to see another Black guy,
he'd be a rival gang member, "Yo, my man!"
But I fuck with people, man.
Nobody gave me a break
when I was, um... when I had my stroke.
None of my friends gave me a break.
They kept fucking with me, man.
I'll never forget, I went to The Comedy Store, all right?
And I go in there,
and I'm with my cane, clunk,
clunk,
clunk.
And I drop my cane, and I bent down to pick it up
and that bitch, Amy Schumer...
kicked my cane across the floor.
Asshole Chris Rock
calls me Stroky Robinson.
That's funny as shit, man.
That is funny as shit!
That's why I never understood why Jada Pinkett,
who's one of the most beautiful women in the world,
got upset that he called her another beautiful woman.
Demi Moore is beautiful.
But, I know, womens, like, "Oh, no, she got alopecia."
Motherfucker, I had a stroke!
Alopecia is one step above
having severe dandruff.
That was pretty funny, man, come on.
I remember, like, I-- When I had my stroke,
I questioned God, man.
I questioned God, I...
"What did I ever do to deserve this stroke?!"
"Oh, yeah, that's right."
"That time I hit that homeless guy and kept driving, fuck!"
"Was it the time I robbed those prostitutes?"
Oh, come on, man, come on!
You know how many prostitutes robbed me?
Especially now!
"Where you going? Ah, give my money... Ah, shit!"
"At least bring back my cane."
No, but, like I said,
when I got out of hospital, I went straight to Popeye's Chicken, man.
You know what I mean? The drive through.
I wasn't supposed to be driving, but fuck it.
That's why I hit that homeless guy.
Chicken fingers all over the place.
But y'all know, when you go to any drive through,
when you can talk real clear,
they barely understand you.
They got mad at me!
The guy cursed at me.
I'm, like, "Can I have..."
"Sir, we don't understand you."
"Well, could you please give me..."
"Damn it! We don't understand you!"
And then I got mad.
And when I get mad, I can talk real clear.
- I'm, like, "What the fuck?"
"You're Popeye's Chicken."
"You sell nothing but chicken!"
"Guess what I want?"
"It's not like you have a variety of shit."
"Could I have the duck ravioli, please?"
"Give me my three pieces and let me get the fuck out of here, man!"
I know how I sound, man.
You think I don't know how I sound? I know.
You know what I mean?
My asshole grandson
says I sound like Squidward.
He's a bitch-ass nigga, man, fuck him!
No, look, man, I love him, but I don't like him.
He gone come at me on Father's Day.
Huh.
"You know you're not my favorite grandfather, right?"
And I'm, like, "And you're not my favorite grandson, asshole!"
He's an asshole.
I want to punch him right in the back of his head
Soon as this hand gets better.
He don't know, man.
See, people... He don't realize that my speech...
When I first had my stroke, my... my second stroke,
when I first had it, man, I wasn't able to talk for two years.
Aww...
I'm lying, man, fuck it.
"Oh. Aww."
Y'all dumb, little, old faces.
"Oh! Oh, no, oh, no!"
Ah, that's what y'all get for the fucking...
No, my voice was fucked up, though.
You know, my biggest challenge being handicapped...
My biggest challenge, man,
is crossing that long-ass street...
...with a light with a countdown on.
"Fourteen seconds, what the fuck?!"
"Don't you have a handicapped two minutes?"
The crossing guard comes, shoots a gun,
"Wow, go!" "Oh, shit!"
"Fourteen, thirteen,
twelve, aaah!"
Ass-old cars revving the engine.
Now I'm gonna race with an old woman in a walker.
"Ten, nine..."
Finally get across the street just to get hit by a Citi Bike.
What the fuck?
Oh, y'all can laugh at me being hit by a Citi Bike.
But the homeless guy, aww...
I was in London, man. Anybody from London?
- Yeah.
Fuck London.
Some of the lights in London count down from seven seconds.
Fast as shit.
Seven, six, five, four! Had to go back, "Aw, shit."
I was in London for two weeks, I only see one side of London.
I never crossed the street, come on, goddamn it!
When I had my first stroke, right,
I remember running to my car
to call my kid's mom,
Tracy Rome.
My best friend, I called her.
But I did so much lying and cheating.
She didn't believe shit I was saying.
I'm, like, "I can't take you to dinner tonight,
I'm having a stroke."
"Mm-hmm."
"If you're having a so-called stroke,
FaceTime me and let me see that shit."
I had to call looking...
"Oh, look at me!"
That's a true story, man, true.
When I got my...
...my second stroke, man,
I flew from Newark, New Jersey
to Arizona
to get laid.
First class.
I'm not gonna have a stroke in coach.
The fuck I am.
What kind of animal am I?
Like, if you fly first class you know they give you all the drinks you want.
You know what I mean? Never stop.
No drink minimum, nothing.
Bam!
- Boom!
Slip-slop!
Slip-slop with 15 drinks in.
I'm drunk as shit.
I mean, time flew past.
The pilot makes an announcement.
"Twenty minutes left in the flight."
Okay, I'm doing the math.
Twenty minutes left in the flight,
ten minutes to the girl's house,
total of 30 minutes...
What takes 30 minutes to kick in?
Answer me!
Viagra, damn it.
I popped the Viagra.
Men...
...never take a Viagra on an airplane.
I was fucked up, man.
I was, I fucked up.
You know what I mean? I'm, like, "Oh, shit."
My vision was blurry, I'm, like, "Oh, fuck."
I got an Uber.
I start passing in and out of consciousness.
But I never panic...
...when I know I gotta make a decision.
"Should I go to the girl's house and get laid?"
"Should I go to the hospital and live?"
So I'm knocking on the girl's door.
She opened the door,
I bust in, take my clothes off real fast.
I'm in a rush right now.
I have to beat that stroke, you know what I mean?
She's laying on the bed butt naked.
I'm butt naked, I'm walking toward her like the living dead.
"Must complete the mission."
My arm goes down. My leg goes down.
Only thing still working? Ha!
I should make a commercial out of this shit.
"When everything is going down,
Viagra stands strong!"
Now, ladies, don't ever let me hear you say again in your lives,
"We enjoy sex just as much as you men."
Bullshit!
How many of you are willing to die for it?
Answer me!
What have you ever sacrificed, lady?
What have you ever sacrificed?!
Yeah, you!
Would you lose your job for it?
Of course not!
President Bill Clinton...
...sacrificed the most important job in the world...
...for a slice.
The only thing that got to me, man,
is my son.
My son cursed at me for the first time. Ever.
I'm sitting in my house in a wheelchair.
My son comes over.
He was crying, man.
"Dad."
"We almost lost you, Dad, we almost lost you!"
"All for some fucking pussy!"
And I looked up at him from my wheelchair, I'm, like, "Son,
are you gay, what the fuck?"
"Of course that's what it's for, what the fuck?"
"How do you think you got here, asshole?"
I was in the hospital, and a speech pathologist came in.
You know what I mean?
And the speech pathologist, her job is to see what you can remember,
long-term, short-term memory.
But she thinks, and thought in her mind,
the louder she talks...
...the more I will understand.
She'd come into the room, "Hello."
"Hello!"
"What is your name?"
And I would fuck with her, "Reverend Dr. Martin Luther King."
You should see the look in her face, "Oh, shit, he's fucked up!"
And then she would give me these long-ass word math problems.
And she was all excitable.
"Are you ready?"
"I'm laying in bed with a stroke, I can't be more ready, more!"
"Here we go! Little Billy went to the store."
"He had 16 marbles in one pocket,
$32 in another pocket,
and he left the house with four... fluffy... puppies."
I'm, like, "Come on!"
"On the way to the store, he stopped past his aunt's house."
"He gave her two of the fluffy puppies."
"He continued to the store."
"Unbeknownst to him...
...he had a hole in his pocket".
"He lost seven of his marbles."
"What the fuck, am I four years old? Go on!"
"At the store, he spent 10.75."
Oh, shit.
"He got another pack of 19 marbles."
Fuck!
"All he got was the marbles, the fluffy puppies, and the change."
"What did he bring home?"
I didn't know this shit before the stroke, what the fuck?
What are you, a fucking teacher, what the fuck?
"Now, see, what he did is..."
It's a joke!
Why do you explain to him?
The what?
- Oh, shit.
I just fucked up.
All right. Why do you explain it to her?
No, I...
My vision is bad from my stroke.
H... Hey, little girl...
I use my st... my stroke for an excuse for everything.
The cops stop me for drinking and driving...
"Sir, have you been drinking and driving?"
"I had a stro..."
"What the fuck, is that alcohol on your breath?"
"My medicine!"
"Your medicine smells like Hennessy?"
Ah, goddammit, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I have, you know...
I remember when I-- Like, when I went to the hospital,
the pandemic was first starting.
Do y'all remember when the pandemic first started?
I know Black folks, we thought, at first,
COVID didn't infect us.
We didn't think COVID infected us.
We were having block parties...
♪ We don't get no COVID ♪
That shit lasted for two hours.
I remember CNN, Jake Tapper came on.
"Breaking news!"
"More Black people die of COVID than anybody else!"
What the fuck?!
Why do we always get the worst of this shit?
More Black people die of cancer.
More Black people die of diabetes.
More Black people die from mountain climbing.
"Wait a minute."
"We don't mountain climb!"
"Yeah, but when you do, you die!"
Like, I was in the hospital for two months.
Two solid months, man.
Right in the heat of the pandemic.
You know, when the pandemic hit,
your family couldn't come to the hospital with you.
So I was by myself with me
and the nurses.
Any nurses here?
The nurses treated me like shit.
All those hoes are not heroes!
They left blood samples on my food tray.
And I'm now, "Fuck, fuck this. Defund the nurses!"
Except her.
No, man, I got jumped by a pack of nurses.
They fucking jumped me!
I wanted a room, 'cause I was falling, like, in the hospital, I fall.
And they... start measuring my head.
Like, "What the fuck you measure...?"
"Well, we're gonna put a helmet on you."
"I'm not wearing no damn helmet."
"You're gonna wear the helmet."
"I'm not wearing a helmet!"
I mean, how can I harass the nurses
with a fucking helmet on?
You know how dumb that shit looks?
"Hey, baby, ahh..."
Big, dumb helmet, stickers all around it, like...
She, like, "You're gonna wear the helmet!" "I'm not wearing the helmet!"
Matter of fact, take me to the bathroom.
And she go and throw me a bedpan.
A small-ass bedpan.
You've seen them.
Why don't you just give me an ashtray, what the fuck?
Matter of fact, gimme the helmet, I'll shit in the helmet.
And so I just threw the bedpan back at her.
But I had a stroke, I didn't have much strength,
so she just caught the bedpan midair.
And she goes and tells me, "I don't give a shit if you poop yourself."
"You better not get out of that damn bed."
I'm, like, "Oh, shit." She slammed the door, bam!
I'm stuck by myself in my own thoughts.
I'm, like, "What the fuck?"
-"Who she talking to?"
"I'm from South Philly!"
I don't even know what that meant, but it felt good saying it.
When you are in a brain injury unit,
they always keep a camera on you.
All the time, they're watching you, they keep a camera on you.
You know what I mean? So I looked right at the camera.
And I put my hospital socks on.
You know hospital socks.
They come with the suction cups on the bottom.
The Air Jordan of socks.
I put them on one by one.
I wanted to get out the bed.
As soon my feet touched the floor the alarm went off.
Those bitches came running in
with pepper spray and Tasers.
And I'm trying to haul ass like it's a light, "Oh, shit!"
"Twelve... eleven..."
"Ten."
Some fast-ass Jamaican nurse ran me down.
She was strong as shit.
Had me in a full nelson, my feet dangling in the air.
I'm, like, "Put me the fuck down! Put me down!"
She put me down.
When you have a stroke, you get spasms in your legs, spasms.
And my leg just kicked up in the air.
I end up kicking this Irish nurse right in the gut.
Bam! And she's, "Oh!"
"This motherfucker wanna fight!"
-"No!"
"No."
"Spasms, I got spasms!"
"Fuck your spasms!"
And she threw a jab at me, you know what I mean?
But I used to box, I just caught that shit, bam!
She's swerving, I slipped it, ah!
"South Philly, bitch!"
But I celebrated too fast.
Fucking Puerto Rican nurse was next.
She came with a lot of movement, you know what I mean?
Like Zab Judah, she...
She'd fake with the right, hook with the left.
Knocked me the fuck out, man.
Before I went, I heard her say, "South Bronx, motherfucker!"
Wait a minute...
Y'all ain't supposed to applaud for that shit.
I was out cold, man.
I woke up, I was in the COVID section.
With a helmet on, what the fuck?!
No, they did put me in the COVID section, man.
No lying, I had no symptoms.
No runny nose, no sore throat, no coughs.
I think they put me there for bad behavior.
And the COVID section was, like, dark.
In a dungeon almost.
They ran me through the corridor and all that shit.
The ceiling was leaking water.
A guy was playing the organ.
I'm, like, "What the fuck is going on?"
And they had a big 70-inch TV
with CNN on.
And at that time, CNN was showing a death count.
And you'd see the clicker. Click, click.
I'm, like, "Oh, fuck!"
"I see my name, ah, no!"
"I'm here!"
They put me... in a room and locked the door, man.
And those were the worst days of my life, man.
It was horrible, you know what I mean?
And none, I mean, none
of the NOCs
came to see me or anything.
Nurses of color.
And there were four Black nurses, I'll never forget,
outside my door,
talking.
"I'm not going near that nigga, he got COVID."
I'm, like, "What the fuck?"
"I can hear y'all!"
Well, I'll tell you what, thank God, thank God
for the white "Make America Great Again" nurses.
They didn't give a fuck about COVID.
They came walking into my room,
no masks on,
coughing, sneezing.
I got nervous, I put my mask on.
They snatched my mask, "Oh, get this fucking mask off!"
Kiss me on my lips, mwaah!
That COVID section is a bitch, man.
It is.
The nurse is telling you, 'cause your family can't come in,
they say... And they show you outside.
Or your family can only come and see you
if something seriously happened to you,
they can see you through a window.
I can't imagine... What the fuck?
I'm sitting there, I'm ready to go,
I see my family give me...
What the fuck is that?
Well, man, I did my time,
in the COVID section, honorably.
Ten toes down.
All right, seven toes,
'cause I had a stroke, and... All right, fine.
You know what I mean? I was an honorable guy snitching on nurses.
No, when you're leaving... the hospital,
you know, you're leaving the hospital, it's like leaving a penitentiary.
They give you all your shit in a plastic bag.
And the head nurse was admonishing me.
"Don't come back to this place."
"You better not come back here."
I'm like, "I'm not coming back."
"I'm gonna do better."
Well, that asshole Puerto Rican nurse, that motherfucker,
going straight to Popeye's.
Hey, man, thanks so much.
It's so easy!