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Downloaded from
YTS.MX
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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Ladies and gentlemen,
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start clapping your hands
and make a lotta noise...
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...for Keith Robinson!
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Oh, shit!
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Goddamn!
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- Good night!
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That was a long-ass walk!
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Oh, I had two strokes, man. Two!
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Yeah. One more,
I'm gonna be Mitch McConnell.
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- Staring all...
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I gotta admit, man,
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the first stroke
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wasn't shit.
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I'm like, "What the fuck?"
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"You call this a stroke?"
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Now, the second stroke, oh, shit!
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"Now this is a stroke."
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Mwah!
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Huh?
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That's what I call "different strokes."
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I should be
kicked off the stage for that shit.
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There's a lot of different strokes,
there really are, man.
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This woman was on Investigation Discovery.
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Right? She had a stroke.
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And became a psychotic killer.
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I'm like, "Oh, fuck."
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"I gotta worry about that now?"
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I'm walking down the street, "Oh, shit."
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"Oh, shit!"
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"Am I gonna murder?"
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I couldn't kill a bunny rabbit,
what the fuck am I talking about, man?
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But everybody... every audience I go to
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people know somebody who had a stroke.
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Right?
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But they think they become stroke experts.
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'Cause they tell me, "Come here, man."
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Like they selling me drugs or some shit.
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"My Uncle Bill had a stroke."
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"He took four cups of green tea
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with a tablespoon of Seemox."
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"After six months,
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no more stroke."
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You gonna get
the fuck out of my face, man.
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I mean, I did it, I followed--
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It is a pain in the ass, man,
this stroke shit.
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'Cause now it's like it's weird, man.
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I was in Philadelphia
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taking my grandkids
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boxing, you know what I mean?
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I was getting ready to try to park the car
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when a UPS truck
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drove and took my spot.
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My handicapped spot.
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Now, when you're handicapped,
you become the Handicap Police.
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I'm like, "What the fuck?
Oh, no, you don't."
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And I, like, beep the horn...
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And I point to my placket.
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Like it's a badge. I'm like...
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He goes, "Get the fuck out of here."
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Now I'm mad as shit, you know what I mean?
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I step out my car,
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close the door and lean against the car.
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I'm waiting for him to bring his ass back.
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I'm against the car trying to get
my balance, you know what I mean?
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He gone come, I see him walking.
"Come here for a minute."
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He come on the right side.
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"No, could you move
to the left a little bit?"
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You know what I mean? Eh, ah!
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I could do a one over on him,
you know what I mean?
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A little slip and a turn, mmm!
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He'd beat my ass though, you know?
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A lot of people ask me,
"What did you learn from having a stroke?"
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Well, I learned, you know what I mean,
to live in the moment.
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Live in the now.
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- Never... All right.
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Never put off tomorrow
what you can do today.
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In other words,
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if there is someone you wanna punch...
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Punch them now!
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Knock the shit out of them!
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You know how many
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unpunched faces I left out there?
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Oh, shit, these strokes
is a pain in the ass, man.
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I don't like it whatsoever, man,
I'm like, "What the fuck?"
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You know what I mean?
I'm brand new at this handicapped shit.
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I never was handicapped before,
I'm brand fucking new.
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Only problem with that,
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- sometimes--
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There you go.
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Now, some of you are clapping
like, "Oh, yeah, that's all right,"
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while some of you are clapping
like I'm at the Special Olympics.
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"Come on, you can do it!"
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Mmm-mmm.
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Oh.
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Hurry up, here...
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...white girl.
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- Oh.
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It's good to have friends, man.
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It's very good to have friends.
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You know, like, being handicapped,
it's my first time being handicapped.
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I never was handicapped ever.
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The only problem with that,
sometimes I forget that I am handicapped,
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but I'm such an asshole...
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...I find myself laughing
at handicapped people.
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You know what I mean? I see them walking,
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I'm like, "Ah!"
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They're like, "Look at you!" "Oh, shit."
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"I forgot, man."
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Y'all can laugh, don't worry about me.
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Now I got my trusty cane.
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It's noisy as shit.
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You know what I mean? "Clunk! Clunk!"
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I gotta put tennis balls on the bottom
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to stop it being so fucking noisy, man.
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But it just, "clunk, clunk, clunk."
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I'm walking through the Village,
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all the homeless guys are, like,
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"Who that new motherfucker?"
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I'm, like, "It's me."
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But all of a sudden, people think
I'm homeless because I got a fucking cane.
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You know what I mean?
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An old white guy...
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I only have to tell what he did,
but he's white.
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He shook his...
...boxes of pizza at me. "Mmm?"
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"I'm wearing a Tom Ford shirt,
you motherfucker."
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"The hell out of my face."
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Eh?
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Well, people...
Like, they really think I'm homeless, man.
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Like, this was last week.
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I'm walking there. Beautiful girl.
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She smile at me.
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I smile at her.
I'm, like, "Oh, shit, here we go."
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This bitch...
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...reaches in her bag.
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"Are you hungry, sir?"
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"Would you like a sandwich?"
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"I don't want no damn sandwich,
I want some pussy!"
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- No.
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- I didn't say that. I did not say that.
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I didn't say it.
I thought about it, but I didn't say it.
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So I took her sandwich anyway.
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But usually I wouldn't fuck with anybody,
especially the comics.
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We're comics.
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Anybody can mess with an old man.
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Ah.
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You know what I mean?
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I wasn't voted the funniest guy
in elementary,
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junior high school and high school
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because I said nice, encouraging shit.
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I ain't standing in front of a class,
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"Hey, leave the fat kid
with the glasses alone!"
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But everybody can mess with me. Anybody.
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Like, I see... Comics see stuff,
we say certain things.
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We're supposed to question the obvious.
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You know what I mean?
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Like today, in today's world, man,
like, kids, eight, nine years old,
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are telling their parents
how they identify.
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What the fuck?
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I can't imagine my son coming to me
at eight years old,
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"Dad, I think I wanna be trans."
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"Oh, son, we can't afford that right now."
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"I just bought your ass a 60-pack
of Fruit of the Loom, goddamn it!"
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"We're gonna try this boy shit
at least three more years."
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Oh, come on, man.
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That was not a transphobic joke.
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That was an economics joke.
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Now this is a transphobic joke, right.
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Well, everybody like,
"Oh, man, you can't say shit like that."
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"You'll be cancelled."
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"God already cancelled
my right side, man."
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"What more you want?!"
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It's all that social media shit,
that's the problem.
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Everybody yapping.
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It's too much yapping.
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Everybody's fucking yapping
and yapping and yapping.
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Even so-called gangsters are yapping.
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"Yo, my name is OG Deathtrap.
I shoot at the block."
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"I pull bitches by the hair!"
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00:13:21,634 --> 00:13:25,095
"If you like what I just said,
hit that subscribe button for me."
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"Hit the subscribe butt..." What the fuck?
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But how I got over my stroke, man.
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I ain't get over, but how,
you know, I got through it.
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My religion. I believe in God.
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- You know what I mean?
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Any religious people out there?
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- Wow, that's, like, 12 people.
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What the rest of you do? Go home
and write manifestos? What the fuck?
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What the hell?
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Nah, man, I choose a religion
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with the best afterlife program.
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Some religions
have better afterlife programs.
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And some religions
got real shitty afterlife programs.
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One religion you got--
you get reincarnated
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and come back here.
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The fuck I'ma pick that shit, man.
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What if I come back a white guy
with a stroke, what the fuck, man?
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Plus, I don't fuck with any religion
whose worship service
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don't produce R&B singers.
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That's for the Black folks.
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You haven't laughed
at a damn thing I said so far, lady.
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Don't look around, you!
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She hates handicapped Black men,
I'm sure of it.
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00:15:36,560 --> 00:15:38,062
What the fuck was that laugh?
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00:15:50,199 --> 00:15:53,369
I see the Black...
It looks good seeing Black folks smiling.
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00:15:54,119 --> 00:15:55,996
You know, usually you go
to a Black neighborhood,
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00:15:55,996 --> 00:15:57,831
they be... [unintelligible] ...face, [grunts].
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00:16:00,542 --> 00:16:02,920
Black folks, we don't get along,
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00:16:02,920 --> 00:16:05,923
until we're in an all-white country.
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00:16:10,594 --> 00:16:12,888
You'd be so happy
to see another Black guy,
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00:16:13,472 --> 00:16:16,684
he'd be a rival gang member, "Yo, my man!"
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00:16:23,232 --> 00:16:24,817
But I fuck with people, man.
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00:16:24,817 --> 00:16:26,944
Nobody gave me a break
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00:16:26,944 --> 00:16:29,947
when I was, um... when I had my stroke.
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00:16:29,947 --> 00:16:31,865
None of my friends gave me a break.
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00:16:32,491 --> 00:16:35,077
They kept fucking with me, man.
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00:16:35,077 --> 00:16:38,455
I'll never forget, I went
to The Comedy Store, all right?
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00:16:39,456 --> 00:16:41,250
And I go in there,
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00:16:41,959 --> 00:16:44,336
and I'm with my cane, clunk,
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00:16:44,336 --> 00:16:45,838
clunk,
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00:16:45,838 --> 00:16:47,047
clunk.
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00:16:47,047 --> 00:16:50,926
And I drop my cane,
and I bent down to pick it up
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00:16:51,677 --> 00:16:53,804
and that bitch, Amy Schumer...
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00:16:58,976 --> 00:17:01,311
kicked my cane across the floor.
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00:17:08,527 --> 00:17:10,070
Asshole Chris Rock
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00:17:10,070 --> 00:17:12,698
calls me Stroky Robinson.
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00:17:15,743 --> 00:17:17,536
That's funny as shit, man.
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00:17:18,787 --> 00:17:21,540
That is funny as shit!
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00:17:25,711 --> 00:17:28,255
That's why I never understood
why Jada Pinkett,
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00:17:28,255 --> 00:17:31,508
who's one of the most beautiful
women in the world,
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00:17:31,508 --> 00:17:36,346
got upset that he called her
another beautiful woman.
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00:17:37,139 --> 00:17:38,932
Demi Moore is beautiful.
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00:17:38,932 --> 00:17:42,895
But, I know, womens, like,
"Oh, no, she got alopecia."
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00:17:42,895 --> 00:17:44,730
Motherfucker, I had a stroke!
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00:17:52,446 --> 00:17:54,698
Alopecia is one step above
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00:17:54,698 --> 00:17:56,617
having severe dandruff.
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00:18:09,671 --> 00:18:11,590
That was pretty funny, man, come on.
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00:18:16,095 --> 00:18:18,639
I remember, like, I--
When I had my stroke,
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00:18:18,639 --> 00:18:20,766
I questioned God, man.
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00:18:21,391 --> 00:18:23,685
I questioned God, I...
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00:18:24,478 --> 00:18:27,606
"What did I ever do
to deserve this stroke?!"
243
00:18:28,690 --> 00:18:30,192
"Oh, yeah, that's right."
244
00:18:39,034 --> 00:18:42,079
"That time I hit that homeless guy
and kept driving, fuck!"
245
00:18:47,501 --> 00:18:50,420
"Was it the time
I robbed those prostitutes?"
246
00:18:51,463 --> 00:18:53,799
Oh, come on, man, come on!
247
00:18:55,342 --> 00:18:57,845
You know how many prostitutes robbed me?
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00:19:09,148 --> 00:19:11,150
Especially now!
249
00:19:13,193 --> 00:19:17,197
"Where you going?
Ah, give my money... Ah, shit!"
250
00:19:18,365 --> 00:19:20,450
"At least bring back my cane."
251
00:19:26,665 --> 00:19:28,333
No, but, like I said,
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00:19:28,333 --> 00:19:31,753
when I got out of hospital,
I went straight to Popeye's Chicken, man.
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00:19:32,421 --> 00:19:34,423
You know what I mean? The drive through.
254
00:19:35,174 --> 00:19:37,509
I wasn't supposed to be driving,
but fuck it.
255
00:19:41,597 --> 00:19:43,515
That's why I hit that homeless guy.
256
00:19:49,646 --> 00:19:51,773
Chicken fingers all over the place.
257
00:19:57,946 --> 00:20:00,532
But y'all know, when you go
to any drive through,
258
00:20:01,742 --> 00:20:03,785
when you can talk real clear,
259
00:20:03,785 --> 00:20:05,454
they barely understand you.
260
00:20:12,586 --> 00:20:14,004
They got mad at me!
261
00:20:21,220 --> 00:20:23,180
The guy cursed at me.
262
00:20:23,889 --> 00:20:25,891
I'm, like, "Can I have..."
263
00:20:25,891 --> 00:20:27,893
"Sir, we don't understand you."
264
00:20:27,893 --> 00:20:29,978
"Well, could you please give me..."
265
00:20:29,978 --> 00:20:32,898
"Damn it! We don't understand you!"
266
00:20:32,898 --> 00:20:34,483
And then I got mad.
267
00:20:35,234 --> 00:20:37,694
And when I get mad, I can talk real clear.
268
00:20:37,694 --> 00:20:40,239
- I'm, like, "What the fuck?"
269
00:20:42,366 --> 00:20:44,534
"You're Popeye's Chicken."
270
00:20:46,411 --> 00:20:49,331
"You sell nothing but chicken!"
271
00:20:58,257 --> 00:20:59,800
"Guess what I want?"
272
00:21:10,143 --> 00:21:12,771
"It's not like you have
a variety of shit."
273
00:21:13,772 --> 00:21:16,441
"Could I have the duck ravioli, please?"
274
00:21:22,948 --> 00:21:26,285
"Give me my three pieces
and let me get the fuck out of here, man!"
275
00:21:30,330 --> 00:21:32,416
I know how I sound, man.
276
00:21:32,416 --> 00:21:35,377
You think I don't know
how I sound? I know.
277
00:21:36,128 --> 00:21:37,004
You know what I mean?
278
00:21:37,004 --> 00:21:39,214
My asshole grandson
279
00:21:39,214 --> 00:21:41,091
says I sound like Squidward.
280
00:21:47,389 --> 00:21:49,349
He's a bitch-ass nigga, man, fuck him!
281
00:21:54,229 --> 00:21:57,190
No, look, man, I love him,
but I don't like him.
282
00:22:00,986 --> 00:22:03,196
He gone come at me on Father's Day.
283
00:22:03,739 --> 00:22:04,781
Huh.
284
00:22:04,781 --> 00:22:07,492
"You know you're not
my favorite grandfather, right?"
285
00:22:12,831 --> 00:22:16,501
And I'm, like, "And you're not
my favorite grandson, asshole!"
286
00:22:20,881 --> 00:22:23,050
He's an asshole.
287
00:22:23,050 --> 00:22:25,927
I want to punch him
right in the back of his head
288
00:22:26,928 --> 00:22:28,472
Soon as this hand gets better.
289
00:22:32,684 --> 00:22:34,019
He don't know, man.
290
00:22:34,019 --> 00:22:37,439
See, people...
He don't realize that my speech...
291
00:22:37,439 --> 00:22:40,817
When I first had my stroke, my...
my second stroke,
292
00:22:41,651 --> 00:22:45,822
when I first had it, man,
I wasn't able to talk for two years.
293
00:22:45,822 --> 00:22:46,782
Aww...
294
00:22:48,158 --> 00:22:49,910
I'm lying, man, fuck it.
295
00:22:52,496 --> 00:22:54,915
"Oh. Aww."
296
00:23:03,006 --> 00:23:04,341
Y'all dumb, little, old faces.
297
00:23:04,341 --> 00:23:08,011
"Oh! Oh, no, oh, no!"
298
00:23:13,183 --> 00:23:15,894
Ah, that's what y'all get for the fucking...
299
00:23:17,354 --> 00:23:19,773
No, my voice was fucked up, though.
300
00:23:23,318 --> 00:23:27,823
You know, my biggest challenge
being handicapped...
301
00:23:28,657 --> 00:23:30,700
My biggest challenge, man,
302
00:23:30,700 --> 00:23:33,078
is crossing that long-ass street...
303
00:23:34,496 --> 00:23:36,498
...with a light with a countdown on.
304
00:23:45,090 --> 00:23:47,342
"Fourteen seconds, what the fuck?!"
305
00:23:51,721 --> 00:23:53,974
"Don't you have
a handicapped two minutes?"
306
00:23:56,309 --> 00:23:58,895
The crossing guard comes, shoots a gun,
307
00:23:58,895 --> 00:24:00,856
"Wow, go!" "Oh, shit!"
308
00:24:00,856 --> 00:24:03,316
"Fourteen, thirteen,
309
00:24:03,900 --> 00:24:06,194
twelve, aaah!"
310
00:24:11,658 --> 00:24:15,871
Ass-old cars revving the engine.
311
00:24:17,414 --> 00:24:20,167
Now I'm gonna race
with an old woman in a walker.
312
00:24:24,087 --> 00:24:27,132
"Ten, nine..."
313
00:24:33,305 --> 00:24:36,391
Finally get across the street
just to get hit by a Citi Bike.
314
00:24:36,391 --> 00:24:37,601
What the fuck?
315
00:24:41,438 --> 00:24:44,107
Oh, y'all can laugh
at me being hit by a Citi Bike.
316
00:24:45,358 --> 00:24:47,444
But the homeless guy, aww...
317
00:24:53,742 --> 00:24:55,994
I was in London, man. Anybody from London?
318
00:24:55,994 --> 00:24:57,245
- Yeah.
319
00:24:57,245 --> 00:24:58,288
Fuck London.
320
00:25:07,088 --> 00:25:10,342
Some of the lights in London
count down from seven seconds.
321
00:25:11,259 --> 00:25:12,719
Fast as shit.
322
00:25:13,595 --> 00:25:17,140
Seven, six, five, four!
Had to go back, "Aw, shit."
323
00:25:37,494 --> 00:25:40,830
I was in London for two weeks,
I only see one side of London.
324
00:25:43,375 --> 00:25:46,545
I never crossed the street,
come on, goddamn it!
325
00:25:52,259 --> 00:25:53,802
When I had my first stroke, right,
326
00:25:54,594 --> 00:25:56,513
I remember running to my car
327
00:25:57,764 --> 00:25:59,349
to call my kid's mom,
328
00:26:00,934 --> 00:26:02,018
Tracy Rome.
329
00:26:04,354 --> 00:26:06,106
My best friend, I called her.
330
00:26:07,315 --> 00:26:09,693
But I did so much lying and cheating.
331
00:26:10,527 --> 00:26:12,279
She didn't believe shit I was saying.
332
00:26:14,948 --> 00:26:17,075
I'm, like,
"I can't take you to dinner tonight,
333
00:26:17,075 --> 00:26:18,493
I'm having a stroke."
334
00:26:19,286 --> 00:26:21,538
"Mm-hmm."
335
00:26:25,834 --> 00:26:27,836
"If you're having a so-called stroke,
336
00:26:28,378 --> 00:26:30,589
FaceTime me and let me see that shit."
337
00:26:35,302 --> 00:26:37,387
I had to call looking...
338
00:26:37,387 --> 00:26:38,847
"Oh, look at me!"
339
00:26:46,104 --> 00:26:48,356
That's a true story, man, true.
340
00:26:49,816 --> 00:26:51,318
When I got my...
341
00:26:52,319 --> 00:26:54,029
...my second stroke, man,
342
00:26:55,238 --> 00:26:57,991
I flew from Newark, New Jersey
343
00:26:58,783 --> 00:27:00,076
to Arizona
344
00:27:01,036 --> 00:27:01,995
to get laid.
345
00:27:04,164 --> 00:27:05,665
First class.
346
00:27:07,292 --> 00:27:10,045
I'm not gonna have a stroke in coach.
347
00:27:10,045 --> 00:27:11,504
The fuck I am.
348
00:27:14,591 --> 00:27:16,343
What kind of animal am I?
349
00:27:21,514 --> 00:27:26,561
Like, if you fly first class you know
they give you all the drinks you want.
350
00:27:27,228 --> 00:27:29,022
You know what I mean? Never stop.
351
00:27:29,522 --> 00:27:31,524
No drink minimum, nothing.
352
00:27:31,524 --> 00:27:32,609
Bam!
353
00:27:33,276 --> 00:27:35,278
- Boom!
354
00:27:35,278 --> 00:27:36,404
Slip-slop!
355
00:27:40,575 --> 00:27:43,078
Slip-slop with 15 drinks in.
356
00:27:44,746 --> 00:27:46,122
I'm drunk as shit.
357
00:27:49,709 --> 00:27:52,671
I mean, time flew past.
358
00:27:52,671 --> 00:27:54,589
The pilot makes an announcement.
359
00:27:54,589 --> 00:27:56,591
"Twenty minutes left in the flight."
360
00:27:57,300 --> 00:27:59,511
Okay, I'm doing the math.
361
00:27:59,511 --> 00:28:01,221
Twenty minutes left in the flight,
362
00:28:02,097 --> 00:28:03,932
ten minutes to the girl's house,
363
00:28:04,557 --> 00:28:06,518
total of 30 minutes...
364
00:28:10,689 --> 00:28:13,233
What takes 30 minutes to kick in?
365
00:28:18,321 --> 00:28:19,614
Answer me!
366
00:28:23,243 --> 00:28:24,744
Viagra, damn it.
367
00:28:26,162 --> 00:28:27,664
I popped the Viagra.
368
00:28:29,666 --> 00:28:31,501
Men...
369
00:28:31,501 --> 00:28:34,337
...never take a Viagra on an airplane.
370
00:28:36,715 --> 00:28:38,174
I was fucked up, man.
371
00:28:39,759 --> 00:28:41,886
I was, I fucked up.
372
00:28:42,679 --> 00:28:44,848
You know what I mean?
I'm, like, "Oh, shit."
373
00:28:45,724 --> 00:28:48,518
My vision was blurry,
I'm, like, "Oh, fuck."
374
00:28:49,811 --> 00:28:51,271
I got an Uber.
375
00:28:52,105 --> 00:28:56,776
I start passing in and out
of consciousness.
376
00:28:59,070 --> 00:29:00,363
But I never panic...
377
00:29:06,494 --> 00:29:08,496
...when I know I gotta make a decision.
378
00:29:15,170 --> 00:29:17,505
"Should I go
to the girl's house and get laid?"
379
00:29:20,508 --> 00:29:23,845
"Should I go to the hospital and live?"
380
00:29:28,057 --> 00:29:29,809
So I'm knocking on the girl's door.
381
00:29:37,859 --> 00:29:39,277
She opened the door,
382
00:29:39,277 --> 00:29:42,739
I bust in, take my clothes off real fast.
383
00:29:43,406 --> 00:29:44,824
I'm in a rush right now.
384
00:29:47,786 --> 00:29:50,288
I have to beat that stroke,
you know what I mean?
385
00:29:54,751 --> 00:29:57,337
She's laying on the bed butt naked.
386
00:29:57,337 --> 00:30:00,507
I'm butt naked, I'm walking toward her
like the living dead.
387
00:30:07,180 --> 00:30:09,182
"Must complete the mission."
388
00:30:13,102 --> 00:30:16,648
My arm goes down. My leg goes down.
389
00:30:17,440 --> 00:30:19,859
Only thing still working? Ha!
390
00:30:25,281 --> 00:30:27,742
I should make a commercial
out of this shit.
391
00:30:30,078 --> 00:30:32,288
"When everything is going down,
392
00:30:33,665 --> 00:30:37,001
Viagra stands strong!"
393
00:30:45,885 --> 00:30:49,180
Now, ladies, don't ever let me
hear you say again in your lives,
394
00:30:49,722 --> 00:30:53,643
"We enjoy sex just as much as you men."
395
00:30:53,643 --> 00:30:55,520
Bullshit!
396
00:30:58,481 --> 00:31:00,692
How many of you are willing to die for it?
397
00:31:04,445 --> 00:31:05,864
Answer me!
398
00:31:15,248 --> 00:31:17,292
What have you ever sacrificed, lady?
399
00:31:17,292 --> 00:31:19,794
What have you ever sacrificed?!
400
00:31:21,004 --> 00:31:22,088
Yeah, you!
401
00:31:24,007 --> 00:31:26,050
Would you lose your job for it?
402
00:31:26,050 --> 00:31:27,719
Of course not!
403
00:31:29,387 --> 00:31:31,472
President Bill Clinton...
404
00:31:41,774 --> 00:31:45,403
...sacrificed the most important
job in the world...
405
00:31:47,697 --> 00:31:49,240
...for a slice.
406
00:32:04,380 --> 00:32:06,257
The only thing that got to me, man,
407
00:32:07,300 --> 00:32:08,426
is my son.
408
00:32:09,886 --> 00:32:13,848
My son cursed at me
for the first time. Ever.
409
00:32:14,432 --> 00:32:17,018
I'm sitting in my house in a wheelchair.
410
00:32:19,562 --> 00:32:21,272
My son comes over.
411
00:32:21,773 --> 00:32:23,232
He was crying, man.
412
00:32:24,317 --> 00:32:26,736
"Dad."
413
00:32:38,164 --> 00:32:41,334
"We almost lost you, Dad,
we almost lost you!"
414
00:32:42,001 --> 00:32:46,339
"All for some fucking pussy!"
415
00:32:50,760 --> 00:32:53,930
And I looked up at him
from my wheelchair, I'm, like, "Son,
416
00:32:54,764 --> 00:32:57,141
are you gay, what the fuck?"
417
00:33:08,319 --> 00:33:11,072
"Of course that's what it's for,
what the fuck?"
418
00:33:13,199 --> 00:33:15,451
"How do you think you got here, asshole?"
419
00:33:17,412 --> 00:33:21,249
I was in the hospital,
and a speech pathologist came in.
420
00:33:22,083 --> 00:33:23,418
You know what I mean?
421
00:33:23,418 --> 00:33:27,338
And the speech pathologist,
her job is to see what you can remember,
422
00:33:28,006 --> 00:33:30,425
long-term, short-term memory.
423
00:33:31,342 --> 00:33:34,929
But she thinks, and thought in her mind,
424
00:33:34,929 --> 00:33:36,848
the louder she talks...
425
00:33:38,474 --> 00:33:41,227
...the more I will understand.
426
00:33:42,562 --> 00:33:44,564
She'd come into the room, "Hello."
427
00:33:45,273 --> 00:33:46,983
"Hello!"
428
00:33:51,279 --> 00:33:53,156
"What is your name?"
429
00:33:54,240 --> 00:33:57,660
And I would fuck with her,
"Reverend Dr. Martin Luther King."
430
00:34:03,583 --> 00:34:06,961
You should see the look in her face,
"Oh, shit, he's fucked up!"
431
00:34:13,468 --> 00:34:17,638
And then she would give me
these long-ass word math problems.
432
00:34:17,638 --> 00:34:19,974
And she was all excitable.
433
00:34:20,683 --> 00:34:21,768
"Are you ready?"
434
00:34:23,770 --> 00:34:28,316
"I'm laying in bed with a stroke,
I can't be more ready, more!"
435
00:34:30,902 --> 00:34:34,947
"Here we go!
Little Billy went to the store."
436
00:34:40,369 --> 00:34:43,706
"He had 16 marbles in one pocket,
437
00:34:44,457 --> 00:34:47,001
$32 in another pocket,
438
00:34:47,001 --> 00:34:52,006
and he left the house
with four... fluffy... puppies."
439
00:35:01,557 --> 00:35:02,642
I'm, like, "Come on!"
440
00:35:04,227 --> 00:35:07,772
"On the way to the store,
he stopped past his aunt's house."
441
00:35:07,772 --> 00:35:10,566
"He gave her two of the fluffy puppies."
442
00:35:11,692 --> 00:35:13,444
"He continued to the store."
443
00:35:14,070 --> 00:35:16,030
"Unbeknownst to him...
444
00:35:16,906 --> 00:35:19,158
...he had a hole in his pocket".
445
00:35:19,992 --> 00:35:22,286
"He lost seven of his marbles."
446
00:35:24,664 --> 00:35:26,999
"What the fuck,
am I four years old? Go on!"
447
00:35:28,876 --> 00:35:33,089
"At the store, he spent 10.75."
448
00:35:37,426 --> 00:35:38,386
Oh, shit.
449
00:35:43,808 --> 00:35:47,395
"He got another pack of 19 marbles."
450
00:35:48,437 --> 00:35:49,272
Fuck!
451
00:35:55,987 --> 00:36:00,950
"All he got was the marbles,
the fluffy puppies, and the change."
452
00:36:00,950 --> 00:36:02,326
"What did he bring home?"
453
00:36:05,705 --> 00:36:09,041
I didn't know this shit before the stroke,
what the fuck?
454
00:36:25,099 --> 00:36:27,602
What are you,
a fucking teacher, what the fuck?
455
00:36:29,020 --> 00:36:31,022
"Now, see, what he did is..."
456
00:36:33,107 --> 00:36:34,192
It's a joke!
457
00:36:41,073 --> 00:36:42,909
Why do you explain to him?
458
00:36:44,660 --> 00:36:45,578
The what?
459
00:36:49,207 --> 00:36:51,042
- Oh, shit.
460
00:36:52,251 --> 00:36:53,419
I just fucked up.
461
00:36:56,047 --> 00:36:58,799
All right. Why do you explain it to her?
462
00:37:08,309 --> 00:37:09,435
No, I...
463
00:37:14,106 --> 00:37:16,484
My vision is bad from my stroke.
464
00:37:27,245 --> 00:37:28,871
H... Hey, little girl...
465
00:37:35,127 --> 00:37:39,632
I use my st...
my stroke for an excuse for everything.
466
00:37:41,133 --> 00:37:44,053
The cops stop me
for drinking and driving...
467
00:37:45,263 --> 00:37:47,390
"Sir, have you been drinking and driving?"
468
00:37:47,390 --> 00:37:48,766
"I had a stro..."
469
00:37:53,854 --> 00:37:56,190
"What the fuck,
is that alcohol on your breath?"
470
00:37:56,774 --> 00:37:58,025
"My medicine!"
471
00:38:04,532 --> 00:38:06,826
"Your medicine smells like Hennessy?"
472
00:38:12,748 --> 00:38:15,960
Ah, goddammit, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
473
00:38:17,712 --> 00:38:19,338
I have, you know...
474
00:38:19,880 --> 00:38:23,676
I remember when I--
Like, when I went to the hospital,
475
00:38:24,218 --> 00:38:26,220
the pandemic was first starting.
476
00:38:26,887 --> 00:38:30,141
Do y'all remember
when the pandemic first started?
477
00:38:30,683 --> 00:38:34,395
I know Black folks, we thought, at first,
478
00:38:34,979 --> 00:38:36,981
COVID didn't infect us.
479
00:38:38,983 --> 00:38:41,319
We didn't think COVID infected us.
480
00:38:41,319 --> 00:38:43,237
We were having block parties...
481
00:38:48,868 --> 00:38:51,037
♪ We don't get no COVID ♪
482
00:38:55,833 --> 00:38:57,877
That shit lasted for two hours.
483
00:39:01,339 --> 00:39:04,675
I remember CNN, Jake Tapper came on.
484
00:39:04,675 --> 00:39:06,218
"Breaking news!"
485
00:39:06,218 --> 00:39:09,805
"More Black people die of COVID
than anybody else!"
486
00:39:09,805 --> 00:39:10,973
What the fuck?!
487
00:39:14,268 --> 00:39:16,437
Why do we always
get the worst of this shit?
488
00:39:17,480 --> 00:39:19,857
More Black people die of cancer.
489
00:39:19,857 --> 00:39:23,152
More Black people die of diabetes.
490
00:39:23,152 --> 00:39:26,947
More Black people
die from mountain climbing.
491
00:39:26,947 --> 00:39:27,865
"Wait a minute."
492
00:39:33,454 --> 00:39:35,247
"We don't mountain climb!"
493
00:39:36,374 --> 00:39:38,626
"Yeah, but when you do, you die!"
494
00:39:46,634 --> 00:39:49,136
Like, I was in the hospital
for two months.
495
00:39:50,262 --> 00:39:52,348
Two solid months, man.
496
00:39:52,348 --> 00:39:54,767
Right in the heat of the pandemic.
497
00:39:55,267 --> 00:39:58,104
You know, when the pandemic hit,
498
00:39:58,687 --> 00:40:02,441
your family couldn't come
to the hospital with you.
499
00:40:02,441 --> 00:40:05,778
So I was by myself with me
500
00:40:05,778 --> 00:40:07,113
and the nurses.
501
00:40:08,364 --> 00:40:09,865
Any nurses here?
502
00:40:27,716 --> 00:40:30,219
The nurses treated me like shit.
503
00:40:34,974 --> 00:40:37,643
All those hoes are not heroes!
504
00:40:45,609 --> 00:40:49,864
They left blood samples on my food tray.
505
00:40:52,450 --> 00:40:56,287
And I'm now, "Fuck, fuck this.
Defund the nurses!"
506
00:41:05,880 --> 00:41:06,964
Except her.
507
00:41:11,177 --> 00:41:14,054
No, man, I got jumped by a pack of nurses.
508
00:41:15,222 --> 00:41:17,224
They fucking jumped me!
509
00:41:18,767 --> 00:41:23,230
I wanted a room, 'cause I was falling,
like, in the hospital, I fall.
510
00:41:23,230 --> 00:41:27,443
And they... start measuring my head.
511
00:41:28,110 --> 00:41:29,945
Like, "What the fuck you measure...?"
512
00:41:31,113 --> 00:41:33,115
"Well, we're gonna put a helmet on you."
513
00:41:37,703 --> 00:41:39,413
"I'm not wearing no damn helmet."
514
00:41:40,706 --> 00:41:42,291
"You're gonna wear the helmet."
515
00:41:42,291 --> 00:41:44,543
"I'm not wearing a helmet!"
516
00:41:45,711 --> 00:41:48,631
I mean, how can I harass the nurses
517
00:41:49,298 --> 00:41:51,091
with a fucking helmet on?
518
00:41:54,178 --> 00:41:55,679
You know how dumb that shit looks?
519
00:41:55,679 --> 00:41:57,223
"Hey, baby, ahh..."
520
00:42:00,267 --> 00:42:03,771
Big, dumb helmet,
stickers all around it, like...
521
00:42:08,776 --> 00:42:11,779
She, like, "You're gonna wear the helmet!"
"I'm not wearing the helmet!"
522
00:42:11,779 --> 00:42:13,864
Matter of fact, take me to the bathroom.
523
00:42:14,323 --> 00:42:17,117
And she go and throw me a bedpan.
524
00:42:18,077 --> 00:42:20,621
A small-ass bedpan.
525
00:42:20,621 --> 00:42:22,081
You've seen them.
526
00:42:23,791 --> 00:42:26,418
Why don't you just give me an ashtray,
what the fuck?
527
00:42:31,549 --> 00:42:34,426
Matter of fact, gimme the helmet,
I'll shit in the helmet.
528
00:42:40,891 --> 00:42:43,978
And so I just threw
the bedpan back at her.
529
00:42:45,145 --> 00:42:47,773
But I had a stroke,
I didn't have much strength,
530
00:42:48,482 --> 00:42:50,401
so she just caught the bedpan midair.
531
00:42:58,367 --> 00:43:01,912
And she goes and tells me, "I don't
give a shit if you poop yourself."
532
00:43:01,912 --> 00:43:04,790
"You better not get out of that damn bed."
533
00:43:05,708 --> 00:43:09,044
I'm, like, "Oh, shit."
She slammed the door, bam!
534
00:43:09,044 --> 00:43:12,172
I'm stuck by myself in my own thoughts.
535
00:43:13,132 --> 00:43:14,550
I'm, like, "What the fuck?"
536
00:43:15,175 --> 00:43:17,970
-"Who she talking to?"
537
00:43:17,970 --> 00:43:19,847
"I'm from South Philly!"
538
00:43:21,724 --> 00:43:24,935
I don't even know what that meant,
but it felt good saying it.
539
00:43:30,733 --> 00:43:33,319
When you are in a brain injury unit,
540
00:43:34,194 --> 00:43:36,030
they always keep a camera on you.
541
00:43:36,905 --> 00:43:40,284
All the time, they're watching you,
they keep a camera on you.
542
00:43:40,284 --> 00:43:43,454
You know what I mean?
So I looked right at the camera.
543
00:43:50,544 --> 00:43:52,921
And I put my hospital socks on.
544
00:43:53,839 --> 00:43:55,382
You know hospital socks.
545
00:43:56,258 --> 00:43:58,677
They come
with the suction cups on the bottom.
546
00:43:59,970 --> 00:44:01,972
The Air Jordan of socks.
547
00:44:07,936 --> 00:44:10,189
I put them on one by one.
548
00:44:18,739 --> 00:44:20,115
I wanted to get out the bed.
549
00:44:20,115 --> 00:44:24,662
As soon my feet touched the floor
the alarm went off.
550
00:44:25,746 --> 00:44:27,998
Those bitches came running in
551
00:44:29,249 --> 00:44:31,627
with pepper spray and Tasers.
552
00:44:34,171 --> 00:44:37,299
And I'm trying to haul ass
like it's a light, "Oh, shit!"
553
00:44:37,299 --> 00:44:40,386
"Twelve... eleven..."
554
00:44:42,721 --> 00:44:43,639
"Ten."
555
00:44:50,771 --> 00:44:53,691
Some fast-ass Jamaican nurse ran me down.
556
00:44:56,860 --> 00:44:58,737
She was strong as shit.
557
00:44:59,446 --> 00:45:02,449
Had me in a full nelson,
my feet dangling in the air.
558
00:45:03,951 --> 00:45:06,620
I'm, like, "Put me the fuck down!
Put me down!"
559
00:45:11,542 --> 00:45:12,751
She put me down.
560
00:45:12,751 --> 00:45:17,256
When you have a stroke,
you get spasms in your legs, spasms.
561
00:45:17,756 --> 00:45:20,426
And my leg just kicked up in the air.
562
00:45:20,426 --> 00:45:24,054
I end up kicking this Irish nurse
right in the gut.
563
00:45:24,930 --> 00:45:26,974
Bam! And she's, "Oh!"
564
00:45:26,974 --> 00:45:29,017
"This motherfucker wanna fight!"
565
00:45:29,017 --> 00:45:31,103
-"No!"
566
00:45:31,937 --> 00:45:33,147
"No."
567
00:45:33,147 --> 00:45:35,232
"Spasms, I got spasms!"
568
00:45:36,191 --> 00:45:37,735
"Fuck your spasms!"
569
00:45:40,696 --> 00:45:43,490
And she threw a jab at me,
you know what I mean?
570
00:45:44,742 --> 00:45:47,161
But I used to box,
I just caught that shit, bam!
571
00:45:47,786 --> 00:45:49,955
She's swerving, I slipped it, ah!
572
00:45:59,465 --> 00:46:01,341
"South Philly, bitch!"
573
00:46:07,097 --> 00:46:09,016
But I celebrated too fast.
574
00:46:09,892 --> 00:46:12,060
Fucking Puerto Rican nurse was next.
575
00:46:12,895 --> 00:46:15,564
She came with a lot of movement,
you know what I mean?
576
00:46:16,732 --> 00:46:18,525
Like Zab Judah, she...
577
00:46:20,819 --> 00:46:23,614
She'd fake with the right,
hook with the left.
578
00:46:23,614 --> 00:46:25,699
Knocked me the fuck out, man.
579
00:46:27,534 --> 00:46:31,371
Before I went, I heard her say,
"South Bronx, motherfucker!"
580
00:46:40,672 --> 00:46:41,924
Wait a minute...
581
00:46:42,591 --> 00:46:45,052
Y'all ain't supposed to applaud
for that shit.
582
00:46:48,055 --> 00:46:49,765
I was out cold, man.
583
00:46:50,474 --> 00:46:53,018
I woke up, I was in the COVID section.
584
00:46:55,103 --> 00:46:56,980
With a helmet on, what the fuck?!
585
00:47:05,280 --> 00:47:07,658
No, they did put me
in the COVID section, man.
586
00:47:08,158 --> 00:47:10,369
No lying, I had no symptoms.
587
00:47:11,620 --> 00:47:14,998
No runny nose, no sore throat, no coughs.
588
00:47:14,998 --> 00:47:17,543
I think they put me there
for bad behavior.
589
00:47:25,217 --> 00:47:28,178
And the COVID section was, like, dark.
590
00:47:29,388 --> 00:47:31,098
In a dungeon almost.
591
00:47:31,890 --> 00:47:35,644
They ran me through the corridor
and all that shit.
592
00:47:35,644 --> 00:47:37,646
The ceiling was leaking water.
593
00:47:38,856 --> 00:47:41,358
A guy was playing the organ.
594
00:47:46,488 --> 00:47:49,283
I'm, like, "What the fuck is going on?"
595
00:47:51,743 --> 00:47:54,371
And they had a big 70-inch TV
596
00:47:54,371 --> 00:47:55,831
with CNN on.
597
00:47:56,707 --> 00:48:00,419
And at that time,
CNN was showing a death count.
598
00:48:01,253 --> 00:48:03,672
And you'd see the clicker. Click, click.
599
00:48:03,672 --> 00:48:05,048
I'm, like, "Oh, fuck!"
600
00:48:06,091 --> 00:48:08,051
"I see my name, ah, no!"
601
00:48:10,095 --> 00:48:11,263
"I'm here!"
602
00:48:16,810 --> 00:48:20,397
They put me... in a room
and locked the door, man.
603
00:48:21,106 --> 00:48:23,525
And those were
the worst days of my life, man.
604
00:48:24,067 --> 00:48:26,111
It was horrible, you know what I mean?
605
00:48:26,111 --> 00:48:28,906
And none, I mean, none
606
00:48:28,906 --> 00:48:30,741
of the NOCs
607
00:48:31,658 --> 00:48:33,368
came to see me or anything.
608
00:48:35,662 --> 00:48:37,372
Nurses of color.
609
00:48:46,131 --> 00:48:49,176
And there were four Black nurses,
I'll never forget,
610
00:48:49,176 --> 00:48:50,928
outside my door,
611
00:48:51,803 --> 00:48:53,013
talking.
612
00:48:53,013 --> 00:48:56,058
"I'm not going near that nigga,
he got COVID."
613
00:48:56,058 --> 00:48:57,643
I'm, like, "What the fuck?"
614
00:48:57,643 --> 00:48:58,977
"I can hear y'all!"
615
00:49:03,440 --> 00:49:06,902
Well, I'll tell you what,
thank God, thank God
616
00:49:07,903 --> 00:49:11,365
for the white
"Make America Great Again" nurses.
617
00:49:20,999 --> 00:49:23,418
They didn't give a fuck about COVID.
618
00:49:27,381 --> 00:49:29,383
They came walking into my room,
619
00:49:29,383 --> 00:49:30,926
no masks on,
620
00:49:32,552 --> 00:49:34,179
coughing, sneezing.
621
00:49:35,305 --> 00:49:38,183
I got nervous, I put my mask on.
622
00:49:47,484 --> 00:49:50,696
They snatched my mask,
"Oh, get this fucking mask off!"
623
00:49:54,533 --> 00:49:56,868
Kiss me on my lips, mwaah!
624
00:50:04,584 --> 00:50:06,837
That COVID section is a bitch, man.
625
00:50:07,754 --> 00:50:08,588
It is.
626
00:50:08,588 --> 00:50:11,967
The nurse is telling you,
'cause your family can't come in,
627
00:50:11,967 --> 00:50:14,136
they say... And they show you outside.
628
00:50:14,136 --> 00:50:16,763
Or your family can only come and see you
629
00:50:16,763 --> 00:50:19,141
if something seriously happened to you,
630
00:50:19,850 --> 00:50:21,560
they can see you through a window.
631
00:50:21,560 --> 00:50:23,854
I can't imagine... What the fuck?
632
00:50:23,854 --> 00:50:25,856
I'm sitting there, I'm ready to go,
633
00:50:25,856 --> 00:50:27,524
I see my family give me...
634
00:50:33,572 --> 00:50:35,157
What the fuck is that?
635
00:50:38,827 --> 00:50:40,662
Well, man, I did my time,
636
00:50:42,414 --> 00:50:44,624
in the COVID section, honorably.
637
00:50:47,127 --> 00:50:48,545
Ten toes down.
638
00:50:50,464 --> 00:50:52,174
All right, seven toes,
639
00:50:52,174 --> 00:50:54,676
'cause I had a stroke, and...
All right, fine.
640
00:50:58,096 --> 00:51:01,516
You know what I mean? I was
an honorable guy snitching on nurses.
641
00:51:04,853 --> 00:51:07,898
No, when you're leaving... the hospital,
642
00:51:07,898 --> 00:51:11,693
you know, you're leaving the hospital,
it's like leaving a penitentiary.
643
00:51:11,693 --> 00:51:14,279
They give you all your shit
in a plastic bag.
644
00:51:16,907 --> 00:51:19,242
And the head nurse was admonishing me.
645
00:51:20,368 --> 00:51:21,995
"Don't come back to this place."
646
00:51:29,920 --> 00:51:32,047
"You better not come back here."
647
00:51:32,047 --> 00:51:33,799
I'm like, "I'm not coming back."
648
00:51:34,424 --> 00:51:35,550
"I'm gonna do better."
649
00:51:38,845 --> 00:51:41,139
Well, that asshole Puerto Rican nurse,
that motherfucker,
650
00:51:41,139 --> 00:51:42,641
going straight to Popeye's.
651
00:51:47,938 --> 00:51:50,065
Hey, man, thanks so much.
652
00:52:59,259 --> 00:53:01,178
It's so easy!