Daaaa...
A one, two, three...
Da, da, ba, da, da, ba, du-wa
Oh, oh, oooh...
If Santa passes by my stocking
I promise not to mind a lot
The only thing I want for Christmas
Is just to keep the things that I've got
Loving arms around me
A garden of forget-me-nots Forget-me-nots
The only thing I want for Christmas All I want for Christmas
Is just to keep the things that I've... go-o-o-ot...
Things that I've go-o-o-ot
Open your minds
Do or die I've gotta learn that auction cry
Gotta make my mark and be an auctioneer
25 dollar bid and then a 30 dollar, 30
Will ya gimme 30, make it a 30 bid, a 30 dollar
Will ya gimme 30, who will-a give me a 30 dollar bid?
Got a 30 dollar bid and then a 35
Will ya gimme 35, to make it 35, will ya 35?
Will ya gimme 5, 35 dollar bid
35 dollar bid and then a 40 dollar, 40
40, will ya gimme 40, make a 40 bid, for 40 dollar
Will ya gimme 40?
Who will gimme a 40 dollar bid?
40, 40 dollar bid
Got a 40 dollar bid and then a 45
Will ya gimme 45 to make it 45?
Will ya gimme 5? Sold that hog for a 45 dollar bid
Now, from the boy who went to school
There grew a man who played it cool
You, er, you ever been on a motorbike?
Oh, er, nah.
Never been with a biker then?
Me? A biker? No.
Have you?
No, I haven't, no.
Not my cup of tea.
So, er...
does your mum set you up with lots of guys?
Er, no. Actually, you're the first.
Oh.
Lucky me.
I need a piss.
Coming?
Joking.
Er, one more and then...
let's make a move.
Great.
Wey!
-Oh, sorry. Sorry, lads. -Chop, chop.
Who's next?
Hi.
-Erm... -What crisps do you have?
Ready salted. Salt and vinegar. Prawn cocktail.
We'll have one of each.
That's ?4.80.
-Ooh, yeah... -That's it, yeah. That's okay.
Nice, okay. One more?
Please.
Hello?
Hiya.
How was it, Col?
You had a nice time?
Yeah. Yeah.
-Nice chap, isn't he? -Mm-hmm.
Alright. Night, darling.
Stockings at eight, okay?
You won!
Amazing, Mum!
Hark the herald angels sing...
I want some figgy pudding, I want some figgy pudding...
-You alright, Bax? -Baxy, are you okay sweetheart?
You alright there, love? Yeah?
-Look, are you having your dinner? -Here, give us your cracker.
Look, Nanny's done you a lovely dinner.
-That's it, open that cracker, aww... -Here Dad, do the cracker with her.
-Come on. -Did you get some play dough?
You wanna do it, yeah?
Oh, right. Here y'are...
What's his name?
Erm...
We didn't really, er...
-You don't know his name? -I...I didn't ask, Don.
-I can wait nearby, if you want? -No, it's fine.
It's okay.
Take the dog.
It's not clean. I...I don't wanna take the dog.
What normal person asks someone for a date on Christmas Day?
-Well, maybe he's alone. -Yeah, maybe he's lonely.
Maybe I'll get my head bashed in or something. I don't know.
Nonsense. Ignore your brother.
It's an adventure.
Since when did Colin like adventures?
Well, I think a biker sounds exciting.
You can borrow your dad's leather jacket.
Silent night
Holy night
All is calm
All is bright
Round yon virgin
Mother and child
Holy infant so tender and mild
Sleep in heavenly...
Oh...peace
Sleep in heavenly peace
Beautiful. Beautiful.
Erm...
Er...
Oh, bugger!
Leave it.
Er...just...leave it?
Ooh...
Mm.
What am I gonna do with you?
Whatever you want...
really.
Hold up your hands.
Other way.
Oh.
Oh!
I know this one, actually.
So, er...ready?
Ugh!
Oh, yeah.
Urgh.
Yeah. Wow, you're strong!
Uh...
Do you give?
What...excuse...?
Do you give?
Ee...ee...argh, yes!
Yes!
Ugh!
Sorry.
-Urgh. -Down.
Erm...
Down?
Lick.
Erm...er...
Uh...
Like that? Erm, oh...
Huh.
Hu, hu, hu, huh. Mm...
Mm...uh...
Alright.
Ah.
-Go... -Urgh.
Alright.
Yeah.
Ray.
Colin.
Oh...
So, if you, erm, don't mind a little walk,
I saw a pub on my way here
that's open till midnight.
I've gotta go.
Hey, girl.
Oh...oh, oh...
Yeah, of course.
Of course you do.
Erm...
I'm...
sorry I was a bit...
I was a bit hopeless earlier.
I guess like most things in life,
it just takes a bit of practice.
Yeah.
Maybe, erm...
I could practice with you?
Erm...
I'm not around much, so...
-Ah. -Yeah.
Alright then, Colin.
Merry Christmas.
Thank you!
Hello.
He lives!
Yeah, just about.
I told you that cold air would turn your throat inside out.
You have a nice time?
Mm.
Nice chap?
Mm. Yeah.
Mm. Did you get yourself a boyfriend?
Oh, no. Don't think so, Mum. I...don't think he liked me that much.
Oh, of course he did.
Did you kiss?
I don't think that is any of your business. So...
Well, fair enough.
Mm.
Right.
One more chocolate?
Mm.
Wanker.
Have you got plans tonight?
Nothing.
Any news from that biker chap of yours?
He's not my biker, Mum.
Anything I can do to help?
10...9...8...
7...6...5...
4...3...2...1...
Happy New Year!
No, no, no!
I'm sorry, I'm just following orders, ma'am.
Excuse me?
Hold on. Don't, ju...
Do you sleep well at night?
-Sorry, do I...do I sleep well at night? -Yeah.
-I...I'm just following orders, ma'am. -Following orders?
-If you wanna appeal there's a... -Oh, I don't wanna appeal.
Come on, just take your fucking ticket off!
Erm...
Hello?
Yeah, I'm at work. -Excuse me?
-Erm... -Excuse me, we're not done here.
Well, if I...if I leave early, yeah. If...if I leave now.
You're not going anywhere!
Alright, I'll text you the address.
Are you deaf?!
Er, yeah. Erm, I shouldn't be long, so, erm...
Fuck you, you fucking prick!
-Lovely. -Go on, fuck off.
Yeah, okay. Alright. See you in a bit.
Yeah.
-Col... -Yeah?
What about these?
Yeah, he doesn't need a present, Mum.
Soap. Some nice soap.
Gosh.
-Pete... -Erm...
Pete, have you taken that nice soap?
-What? -Have you taken the nice soap?
Gosh, you're tall.
Er, sorry, Peggy.
Er, er, Peggy, Peter.
Erm, nice to meet you. -Ray.
-How d'you do? -Erm, time for a quick drink?
Er, no thank you. Not when I'm riding.
No, of course not. Oh. What was I thinking?
Er, good lad, yeah. Well, well, something soft?
-We'd better get going. -Yeah.
You, er, you don't sound local, Ray. Where's home?
Chislehurst.
Well, it's very nice.
I've never thought of Colin as a Chislehurst sort of person.
Oh, he'll survive.
Alright. Come on then, Colin.
Alright. Just...
Alright, yeah...
Oh, er, Ray, Ray, sorry to fuss but er,
you do have a spare helmet, yes?
-Yes. -Only, he actually has to wear it.
Dad...
Because er, he...he...he's not getting on without one.
He is not getting on without one.
Great.
Nice bike.
Plain black.
None of this neon crap
like you see everywhere nowadays, don't you?
Colin.
Yep, um...
yeah.
Are you sure you know what you're doing?
Yeah. Don't worry, Dad.
I'm...I'm not worried.
I rode a bike when I met Colin's mum.
And then sold it when the twins come along.
Bought a very expensive pram.
But I don't suppose you two need to worry about that.
Not...
I mean, not yet anyway.
Oh!
Alright then, be good! Right?
-Have fun! -Watch out for the ice!
I think this jacket might be a bit crap.
But er...
Hey...hey, girl.
-Hey. -Oh, hello, Rosie.
You remember me?
Thank you.
Shut the door.
One second.
It's a lovely flat.
Oh...
I didn't think you'd have a piano.
-No? -No.
Don't seem like the sort.
So, what "sort" do I seem like?
Oh, well, no, no. I meant it as a compliment, you know.
Why don't I show you where everything is,
and then you can make dinner.
Dinner?
Dinner.
I...erm...
I should say that I'm a bit of a lousy cook.
But erm, you know, I can give it a go.
Have you lived here long then, Ray?
Pots and pans down there.
And er, yeah...
Something quick tonight.
Pasta.
Go easy on the cheese.
Here we go.
Are we eating here or...?
Yeah, here's good.
Right...
Come...
Down, down.
It's not for you.
Good girl.
Right, come on.
Time for bed.
You a snorer?
Sorry?
Do you snore?
Oh, no. No, no, not that I know of.
-How's your bladder? -My...
my...my bladder?
Are you gonna wake me up running to the bathroom
in the middle of the night?
Erm...oh, I see. No. No.
I think my, erm...
bladder's pretty good, actually.
Well, if you're quiet, you can sleep on the rug.
The rug?
If not, you should go in the hallway.
Sorry if this is not to your liking.
I'm no barista.
Do I pass then?
What do I...get if I pass?
Ugh...
Yes, you can do it!
-Do you give? -No!
-Agh! -Give!
-Give?! -I give! I give!
-Come on! -I give!
Uh...
Don't move.
On your front.
Gah...
Argh...
Uh-uh...
I'm sorry about that.
I didn't think it was gonna hurt so much.
Erm...
shall I finish you off?
Nah, I'm good.
Oh...
Thanks for having me.
I had a lovely time.
Here we are.
Alright then, I'll be off.
Don't come back before six.
If you do, you'll have to wait outside.
Erm...er...
What, six today?
Oh, sorry, are you busy tonight?
Is there a booming market for Colin Smiths
that I'm not aware of?
Well, no, but it's just...
What?
Yeah. Erm...
see you at six.
I need you to pick up some things.
Here.
I'll text you a shopping list.
Yeah, okay. Yep.
You can keep these.
I don't eat chocolate.
Well, no.
Of course you don't. I mean...
And buy yourself a butt plug.
You're too tight.
Yeah!
Yeah, yeah. Erm...
Lovely, that sounds like a plan.
Bye, then.
Erm...
-That's him? -Yeah.
That's your boyfriend?
Well, no, he's not my boyfriend.
We, er, we have an arrangement.
How'd you get a man like that?
Well, he says that I have an aptitude for devotion.
See you tomorrow!
Try these on.
Try what on?
Uh...
Ray?
It's, er...
Ahh...
Do you like it?
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday, dear Colin
Happy birthday to you
Er, sorry.
It's Ray. Hello?
Yeah, sure. No problem.
Er, yeah, sorry. One second.
Ready.
Yep.
Alright, I'll see you in about an hour then.
Sorry about that.
Oh, yeah.
-Yay. -Ay.
Everything okay?
Mm-hmm.
So, erm...
when are we gonna get to meet this Ray of yours, then?
You have, haven't you?
But for half a second in the dark three months ago.
Your mum used to parade me around town like a prize cow.
Mm. We're not that embarrassing, are we?
-No, no, you're not. -Right.
Well, let's get a date in the diary.
Sooner rather than later.
Oh...
Having something nice for dinner?
Yeah, potato dauphinoise.
Ooh, fancy.
Is Ray a good cook, then?
Oh no, I'm cooking. Ray... Ray doesn't cook.
Oh...oh...
Right, so he's making you buy and cook your own birthday dinner?
Yeah. I mean, I...I don't mind.
-So, it's f... -Yeah, but it's your birthday, Colin.
You should be spoilt rotten.
If Ray can't cook, he could at least take you out somewhere nice.
Some...
Do you wanna say something?
No.
You sure?
Yeah.
Well, actually there is... there is something.
Erm, I was, er...
wondering if maybe you might wanna come have dinner
with my parents some time?
Er...
Er, dinner with your parents?
Yeah.
And you'd like that?
Yeah. Nah, I mean, you know, they would.
Er...
Yeah, I don't think that's a very good idea.
Okay.
-Nope. -Sorry.
Could you, er, maybe be persuaded?
You know, could it, could it be, like, erm...
a birthday present, maybe?
I hope you're not expecting a birthday present, Colin.
No, no, I'm not. It's, it's just...Mum,
she wants to meet you properly.
And erm...
well, she's quite ill, you know, she's...
she's dying, actually.
But I don't wanna force you to...
-No? -No.
Okay, well, it sounds like
that is exactly what you're trying to do here.
-No, I'm not. -You are. You are.
I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you.
Oh, you couldn't upset me if you tried.
You seem pretty upset, so...
So...what?
Hm?
No way!
For he's a jolly good fellow
And so say all of us
Light the candle, birthday boy!
First one in buys a round of drinks!
-Ooh! -Ooh!
-Fuckin' hell... -Fuck me!
Argh! Fuck!
Now, bring him up. Get that net under him.
Go on...
Hey!
Hey, hey, hey! -Go on, Colin, what you got?
Grab his arm...come on!
Keep your...push him!
I'm trying, Ray.
Sorry. I'm sorry. I...
Steve!
Can I borrow Kevin?
You can have Colin.
Fine!
Oh, dear, Colin, you've been subbed out, mate.
-Come on, Kevin! -Here he comes...
Oh yeah!
Champion.
Go on, Kevin!
Alright, bitches. Come on.
Let's do it. Woo!
Stop pouting, Colin!
Come on! Yeah! Come on!
-Come on! Pull him... -Yargh!
Pull him. Oh, yes!
Oh, yes! Yes! Nice one! -Woo!
Yeah!
Woo!
Who's next?
Oh, yeah.
Right, need time out. Time out, time out, time out...
Oh!
So, how's it going with you and Ray?
It's erm...
it's going good. Yeah, it, it's great.
-Mm? -Mm.
You guys look really good together.
-Thank you. -No, I mean it.
He really is impossibly handsome.
You sort of...
bring his qualities into relief.
Do you two never kiss?
No.
-Don't you miss it? -No.
I couldn't put up with no kissing.
It would drive me nuts.
Nice bike, mate!
Come on, then.
On your back.
Happy birthday, Colin.
I hope you're not keeping your hair like that
to make me feel better, because it doesn't.
Your hair was your best feature.
Well, Ray likes it like this.
Mm, right. So, er, is Ray a hairdresser?
I don't know.
I told you, he's discreet.
Yeah. But what does that actually mean?
It just means, Mum, don't ask personal questions.
Right, that's enough. Come on.
Cheers, everyone. Thanks for coming, boys.
-Cheers. -Cheers.
Mm, tuck in.
Oh, um...
Mm.
British summer we're having.
Remember South Africa?
-Mm. -Our honeymoon.
Mm. Amazing place, though.
Have you...do you mi...am I allow...
Can I ask, have you ever been?
No.
Oh.
Amazing place.
Yeah, my er, my doctor's advised me to wear these socks.
You know, he says they'll make a real difference.
I mean, have you tried them?
-Compression socks? -Yeah.
Erm, er, no. -They...
hold you apparently and stop you... anyway,
Do you...do you fly a lot, Ray?
Not really.
Mm, this gravy is incredible.
Best gravy in Bromley.
What's your secret?
If you don't mind...
Er, oh, no.
Erm, well, I erm...
I er, put the chicken on a rack
so that all of the juices...
Sorry.
Erm...
I, erm, put the chicken on a rack and erm...
let the juices from the chicken go onto the veg.
And then once the chicken's done, I remove it,
and then into those veg with all the chicken juices,
I add a little bit of flour and a dash of hot sauce.
Oh, hot sauce, huh?
Yeah.
Colin makes a good gravy.
Mm...
Colin makes a pretty good omelette, but that's about it.
What's up with you?
What's...up with me?
-Yeah, what's up with you? -Mum, let's...
let's talk about something else.
Yeah, I agree. I think we can...
we can talk about... -What...no, no, no, no, no.
-Can't we change the... -'Cause, you know, Ray,
'cause I'm not one to judge.
I'm just interested.
What's your secret?
Have...have you got another life?
Have you got...have you got a husband somewhere?
-Peggy... -Or a...a wife?
Is, is that what discreet actually means?
Does it just mean that you've got two wives and ten kids?
You...you don't have to say. Alright?
Thank you. I'll keep that in mind.
I'm sorry.
I'm not sure I like the way you talk to my son.
Well, that is fine.
It's not for you to like.
Excuse me?
I can see that I make you uncomfortable.
That...our relationship makes you uncomfortable.
But...deciding that what makes you uncomfortable
is bad for your son...
Honestly, that's a pretty backwards way of thinking.
I beg your pardon?
I'm just saying you sound a little ignorant.
Well, you sound like a cunt.
-Mum! -No, I'm sorry, Col.
I'd like to know, before I die,
I'd like to know if my son is going out with a nutjob.
Is that too much to ask?
-Let's talk about something else. -Yeah, let's...
Colin, you don't know who he is.
You don't know what he does.
You don't know if he's a hairdresser
or a serial killer.
He could be on the run!
Well, he's too good looking to be on the run.
He...he'd turn too many heads.
He wouldn't get away with it.
Well...he...he is very good looking.
He's a creep!
Our son is going out with a good-looking creep,
and you, you're encouraging him. -Now then, stop it, you don't...
Well...you...
Colin...
Colin come on, don't... don't be like that. Colin!
Roses are red, violets are blue .
Each day at your heel, brings me closer to you.
Your hand on the throttle, your leathers so tight.
I crave your command from morning to night.
Your grip is a promise, your gaze a hot flame.
Next to you I am nothing, but I'm yours all the same.
Oh, yes.
Open wide, baby.
Aah!
The pleasure you give, the pain that you bring.
I'll take it all, Ray, for you are my king.
In the village of Great Dunmow,
there's a side of bacon
given every year to the couple
who haven't had a single quarrel.
Well, me and Peggy could've won that bacon every year.
We had every possible qualification.
Apart from not living in Great Dunmow.
Erm...
As we gather, er, today,
to say goodbye to Peggy,
let's not...let's not focus on the sadness,
let's, erm...
let's celebrate a...a lovely life.
Sorry.
So, er...
how was it?
It was good.
It was a good turnout.
Oh, nice.
Colin?
Lemme see your hands. -It's fine.
-Lemme see. -It's fine.
Okay, we need to...
get some cold water on them, okay.
It's gonna sting a little.
Yargh! Ah!
Fuck!
Argh.
Try and hold your hands under the water.
Thank you.
Mm.
Hey, erm, do you wanna hear a pizza joke?
Nah, it's too cheesy.
Are you gonna eat or do you want me to keep going?
'Cause I've got plenty of pizza jokes here.
-I'm gonna start eating. -I can go all night, baby.
Sleep in the bed.
It's fine, I'm feeling much better now.
It wasn't a question.
You know I love you, right?
Yeah.
But what...
That's not what this is, Colin.
That's not the point.
Isn't...
love the whole point?
Of what?
Everything.
Erm...
Could I ask you something?
-Mm-hmm. -Err...it's I...
I've been thinking...
and er...you really, look,
you don't have to say yes, I know it was a...
it was a sort of one-off thing.
But, erm...
I was wondering if maybe I could...
sleep in your bed a bit more often?
Not, not all the time, obviously. Erm...
but maybe...
once a week?
In fact, maybe, erm...
once a week we could sort of have a, er...
a day off?
Hmm?
You know, a day where we...
wake up in bed together,
eat breakfast at the table.
Erm...
I don't know,
play a duet on the piano, that sort of thing.
Not every day, I really...
oh, I wouldn't want that. But...
once a week...it could be nice.
It could be fun.
For both of us.
No.
No?
No.
Fair enough.
How about once a month, then? -No.
No?
Have a think.
-Excuse me? -Just have a think about it.
-Colin, if you're not happy... -No, I am happy.
Ray, I'm, I'm really happy.
I could just maybe be a bit happier, that's all.
Time for bed.
I'm gonna stay up, finish this chapter.
What are you doing?
Nothing.
Out.
Oh...
Fuck!
Take off my t-shirt.
Stop scowling.
Take it off.
Raymond...
you look very small-mouthed and old.
What did you say?
I think you may have heard me. Raymond, please...
-Huh? -Raymond...
No...
Ugh... GET OUT!
-GO! -Uh!
Ray! Raymond!
Argh, argh!
Argh!
Fancy a wrestle?
Huh?
Fancy a wrestle?
Ugh! Ugh!
-Do you give? -Urgh!
Do you?
Urgh.
Daaa-daaa-daaa...
Colin!
Hey!
Wanker!
Come on.
Have a seat.
Erm...
What, what's this?
Breakfast.
I don't understand.
I thought we could try a day off.
Mm...
So, erm...
what would you like to do?
What, today?
Erm...
What do you wanna do?
No, no, no.
You decide. It's your day off.
Erm...well, it, er...
Yeah...it looks like a nice enough day.
We could...
we could go for a bike somewhere...maybe?
No biking today.
But I'll pay for this later?
No.
Oh...
Um...
Do you like, er...
Thai food?
Er, sure, yeah.
'Cause there's, erm,
apparently there's quite a nice...place...nearby.
Okay.
Well, this was fun.
What do you wanna do next?
I...dunno.
I'm sorry about the weather, really...
Sing something for me.
-What, here? -Or, actually...
teach me how to sing.
Are you serious?
I'm very serious.
Okay.
Da, da, da, da
Da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da
Da, da, da, da
Da...
Da, da, da, da
Da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da...
Are you laughing?
-No, it's good! You're very good! -You think you're better than me?
-I didn't say that. -Is that what it is?
Wow. Wow, that hurt.
Er, you know what?
-What are you doing? -Wait.
-Ladies, pardon me. -Oh.
Er...come on.
Go ahead.
Erm...
...sorry.
Sorry.
Da, da, da, da
Da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da...
-Oh, it's lovely. -Yeah.
Da, da, da, da
Da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da...
Ye-ye-yes, yes.
You liked both, I can tell.
Which one do you prefer?
Oh, well, him.
-Him? -Yeah.
Are you serious?
Unbelievable!
I'm sorry about him.
-He's, er... -You've paid off these two fine ladies?
-I've never met these ladies, Ray. -Wow.
Alright.
-Congratulations. -Thank you.
You're cocky now, huh?
Oh...
-Excuse me! -Oi, dickheads!
Are you gonna clean those seats?
Mind the popcorn!
Pop, pop, pop, pop, pop! Pa-pa!
-Gah! -Ja!
I can't!
-Not gonna make it! -Ooh!
-Oh... -Go on without me...
Go! I'm done.
Come on!
-Oh! -Up you get.
-No, I'm done. -No, you're not. Come on, uh!
-Leave me! -Come on!
Leave me! Ugh!
Ah...
Argh, argh!
-Yes, yes! Ahhh! -Ah.
Ray!
Are, are you in there? Ray...
Still nothing?
Alright, guys.
How you doing, yeah?
He can't just have disappeared off the Earth.
He's gotta have been somewhere.
Ray does his own thing.
You know what, it's fine.
Forget it, forget it. -Colin!
Let's knock it on the head for today, shall we?
Yeah.
We can look somewhere else next weekend. Okay?
Or not.
Up to you.
About me...
I've been told I have an aptitude for devotion.
I'm obedient, hard-working,
and excellent at following instructions.
I'm low maintenance,
have a high pain threshold,
and rarely fail to please.
But I'm also very modest,
so this is the only time that
you'll hear me sing my own praises.
Unless you ask.
I won't cut my hair for no-one.
And I do require one day off a week.
That's not up for debate.
The rest of the time,
your wish is my command.
Nice.
When your world is turned around
Why not smile?
Don't wear a frown, smile
Though your heart is aching
Smile
Even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky
you'll get by if you smile
through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll...you'll see the sun
Come shining through
For you-u-u...
What you playing at mate, make some space!
Darren?
It's Colin.
You're early.
Yeah, sorry.
Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear
May be ever so near...
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll...you'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile
You must keep on trying
Smile What's the use of...crying?
You'll find that life...
Can you cook?
Yeah. Yeah, I can cook.
What do you fancy?
A smile is still worthwhile...
Surprise me. No gluten.
Can't be dealing with any gluten.
-No gluten? -Yeah.
Smile...