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Ladies and gentlemen,
Chad Daniels!
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Well, hello!
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- This is crazy.
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Hi. Thank you.
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Okay.
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Thank you.
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Thank you. Thank you, that's very nice.
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You keep clapping,
I'm gonna bust through my nipple tape.
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That was wild.
This is fucking crazy, man.
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I've lived in Minnesota my whole life
and now we're at the capital,
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and I'm filming this goldarn thing.
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- So it's a pretty good deal.
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I've lived here my whole life
and I've noticed
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that Minnesota and New York
are the only two places
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where you can tell someone
you're from there,
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and someone will say your accent
back to you right away.
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You go, "Hi, I'm from Minnesota."
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"Oh! Minnesota!"
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"Brr, brr."
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Or "I'm from New York."
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"Hey, New York!
I'm walking here!"
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You don't get that other places.
Like, "Hi, I'm from Cleveland."
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"Oh, I'm from Cleveland.
I see my kids every other weekend."
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Nobody's like, "I'm from Kentucky."
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"Y'all, I'm from Kentucky."
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"I only quote the Bible
when it fits what I'm talking about."
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I was in New York one time
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and I was trying to cross a crosswalk
and I couldn't
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'cause there were people in front of me
and puddles on both sides of me.
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I go to one of the guys and I go,
"Can we cross the street?"
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He goes, "Can't. There's an orange hand
that says we can't cross."
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I said, "That's a suggestion.
We're adults. So let's figure it out."
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And then from behind me, a woman goes...
"Fucking go."
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- Like that.
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I thought Batman was behind me.
That's no kidding.
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So without even looking, I go,
"You're the captain of our team."
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I go, "You gotta come up here."
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I heard shuffling,
so I turned around and I looked,
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and she was on crutches.
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Yeah. But she wasn't on underarm crutches.
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She was on, like, the grippies
with the Wonder Woman bracelets.
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She was on those. Like, forever crutches.
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You know? She didn't sprain an ankle,
her mom drank when she was pregnant.
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Okay. I've got some shaking heads
and some shaking shoulders.
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- Whatever, I don't care.
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I'll take either one.
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We finally get to the front,
it's her and I.
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I go, "What do you think, Captain?"
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She goes, "Assess the situation."
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All right. So we got
a one-way street going this way.
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There’s a car coming
but it's three blocks away that way.
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She goes, "Do you think we can make it?"
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And I said, "I think
you and I have different answers."
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Then she smiled at me, turned sideways,
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and took off like a hermit crab
across the street.
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It is the fastest I've ever seen
a human being move in my life.
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Like MC Hammer times 10,000.
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Just dig-a-dig-a-dig-a
all the way across the thing.
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The only way it could've been better
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is if she had ducked into a hole
at the end of it.
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"God damn, crab lady."
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"You just made somebody's Wednesday."
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I don't know if I necessarily want
to talk about this next thing,
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but I feel like I need to.
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I saw a grown man
kiss his own sister on the lips.
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It's true. At a restaurant.
It was with my children.
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By the way, I've never kissed them
on the lips, I don't think.
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Maybe when they were babies.
It wasn't to kiss them,
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it was more to steal their essence.
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You ever feel old around a kid
and you're like, "Fucking breathe on me!"?
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So we're eating, and a man walks in,
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and he goes, "Sister!"
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And then from across the restaurant,
a woman stands up and goes, "Brother!"
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Then they started
walking towards each other,
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with what now I can confirm was passion.
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Then they kissed on the lips.
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And my kids and I pushed our meals
to the middle of the table.
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Because they were raised correctly
and we don't eat till we figure shit out.
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There is a mystery in this restaurant,
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and we must solve it.
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I said to my kids,
"What do you think is going on?"
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My son goes, "I don't know what's going on
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but I do know you don't start
kissing your sister when you're an adult."
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I'm like, "All right. We got some traction
to solve this thing. Let's go."
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I asked my daughter, "What would you do
if your brother kissed you?"
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She said, "I'd kill him."
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Son said, "Wouldn't have to. Kill myself."
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I wanna be clear
that I know suicide is not funny
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but I was beaming with pride as a father.
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And a little confused
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that there's Japanese blood
in my family lineage.
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That's an honorable people.
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If Japanese people mess up, they fix it.
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It's true. You ever see a Japanese guy
kiss his own sister on the lips,
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next move
is walking right into that forest.
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May I ask you a question? Yeah.
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- Do you have a brother?
No.
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- You don't. Do you?
Yeah.
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What would you do
if he kissed you on the lips?
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- That's way too long. That's way too long.
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Oh, my God.
What are you thinking about?
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You're like, "I guess I don't know."
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I'm teasing.
What do you think you'd do though?
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I don't know.
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You wouldn't do anything?
You'd let him kiss you?
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The answer you're looking for,
the word, is murder.
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I just tried to help you
with my daughter's answer.
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Wouldn't do anything.
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- You have a brother?
I do.
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What would you do
if he kissed you on the lips?
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{\an8}We have different moms, so...
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{\an8}You have different moms, so...?
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If you didn't hear, she said,
"We have different moms, so..."
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And I'd like to guess the next word.
Is it "fuck"?
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See? That could have been you.
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Got to come to these things ready.
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Well, it's just so strange to me,
'cause I have a sister,
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and she's one of my favorite people
on Earth,
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and I've never even kissed her
on the cheek.
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And I love her to death.
I should have, probably.
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She's been through some tough shit.
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My sister was hooked on meth for 10 years,
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and not one day did I think,
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"Maybe a kiss on the cheek
from her brother will help."
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She'd come home
and be like, "I'm freaking out."
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And I'd be like, hand on shoulder,
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full extension, elbow lock,
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ass out,
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and then be like, "Don't do meth."
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And then I just back away full extension.
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Never did she come home shaking
and her jaw moving all over,
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and I was like,
"Come here. This will help."
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- That's insane.
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Everyone can relax. That ends
the question portion for the front row.
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I want to be clear. I don't want
you guys like, "What's next?"
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I was on an escalator one time
and I was going down the escalator,
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there was an up escalator next to it.
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So those people were coming towards me.
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I saw a dad and this little kid
on the escalator.
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Little boy was about five years old.
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And I heard him go, "Daddy,
how do they make escalators?"
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And the dad said,
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"At a factory."
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And that was it.
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When they got next to me,
I looked at the dad,
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and go, "Thank you, professor."
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What a lazy-ass answer that is.
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Your son asked you for information
and you gave him zero.
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That's like one step away from
not really understanding science,
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so you just always go, "God made it."
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That's a lazy-ass answer.
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"Why is the sky blue?"
"It's the Lord's favorite color."
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"Think about it, the sky is blue.
Water is blue."
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"White people when they freeze are blue."
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"Mama, what's lightning?"
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"Well, that's the paparazzi
trying to take a picture of Jesus."
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They're never gonna get--
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"Do you hear the thunder? He's bowling
with them angels right now."
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Those are lazy answers.
And you're not helping anyone.
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Your kids are gonna go to school,
full Waterboy.
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"Well, my mama said..."
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- That's crazy.
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No, I don't have the right to tell you
not to use God in your answers.
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Of course, I don't know
what's going on either.
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I would say, if you do it,
just do it correctly.
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That's all anyone's asking. Right?
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"Why is the sky blue?"
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"Because God said, 'Let there be light.'
And there was."
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"And then that light finally
reached the Earth's atmosphere,
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it started bouncing off
gases and particles."
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"And the light scattered."
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"And the blue waves were the smallest,
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so they went the furthest and the fastest
and they covered everything."
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"And that's why the sky is blue."
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"And maybe it's the Lord's favorite color,
but for sure that first part."
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It just... It seems so easy really,
when you think about it.
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I am not religious.
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I think that kinda bums my mom out
because she is.
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She says, "How come you're not religious?"
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I go, "I think
it's 'cause of religion, probably."
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I don't know
if you've heard about it.
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Please don't judge me for that.
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I don't judge you for anything
you believe or don't believe.
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I just can't-- I don't have it in me.
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I don't have that thing that you have.
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And if you're a believer, I'm...
I'm jealous.
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I wish I had that
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because if you're wrong,
you're never gonna know.
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♪ Going to heaven
Going to heaven ♪
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Dark.
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That's a pretty good exit strategy, man.
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'Cause if I'm wrong, from what I've read...
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...it's gonna be hot.
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Gonna want to do some crunches,
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'cause I'm headed to
forever bikini season.
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I'm not going to, of course,
make fun of all religions here tonight,
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but I would like to quickly, if I could,
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talk to you about Catholicism
for about 35 minutes.
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You can see some people go,
"Ha-ha-- Argh!"
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That's okay. I understand it.
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First of all, let me start by saying,
when I was younger,
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I thought the biggest group of people
on Earth were Asians.
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That's what I thought.
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'Cause in sixth grade,
we had to fill out this map, right?
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And we had to fill in the populations
of all the countries.
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00:12:21,700 --> 00:12:24,369
Then you add up all the populations
for all the Asian countries,
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you're like,
"Holy shit, that's a lot of people."
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00:12:26,371 --> 00:12:28,290
And your teacher would go,
"Don't forget India."
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00:12:28,290 --> 00:12:29,958
And you're like, "What the fuck?"
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00:12:31,293 --> 00:12:33,837
"India's in Asia? Shut up!"
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00:12:33,837 --> 00:12:36,381
So you add that and you're like,
"That's a big group of people."
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00:12:36,381 --> 00:12:37,424
Now that I'm an adult,
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00:12:37,424 --> 00:12:40,260
I know that Asians are not
the biggest group of people on Earth.
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00:12:40,260 --> 00:12:42,805
I know the biggest group
of people on Earth are people that go,
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00:12:42,805 --> 00:12:45,265
"Well, I grew up Catholic
but I'm not anymore."
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00:12:51,522 --> 00:12:53,273
Those people are everywhere.
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00:12:53,941 --> 00:12:57,528
If you meet one, there's two behind him
and there's four behind them.
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It's like the AIDS chart
from health class.
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It just keeps going.
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Let me say that I know
there are good Catholic people.
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One of my best friends is Catholic,
so I talk to him sometimes.
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I go, "Whey do you cheer
for such a dumb team?"
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And he doesn't have an answer and so...
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If you meet someone that says,
"I grew up Catholic. I'm not anymore."
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You go, "How come?" They go...
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- Right? Not even words.
227
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It's just guttural responses.
228
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That kind of shit.
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But I asked my buddy,
"Maybe we should write some letters."
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He goes, "I'm not gonna write
to the Church and put my name on it."
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I'm like, "I'm not asking you to."
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00:13:39,278 --> 00:13:42,364
"I'm saying let me write a letter
and put your name on it."
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Doesn't have to be anything fancy.
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Just let me start it off...
Something like, uh...
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"We're sick of coming to this church,
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00:13:50,664 --> 00:13:53,375
because the leaders of it
are coming at this church."
237
00:14:04,303 --> 00:14:05,888
What's the argument from Catholic people?
238
00:14:05,888 --> 00:14:08,974
They go, "You know the Catholic Church
does good things too, right?"
239
00:14:08,974 --> 00:14:09,892
"I understand that,
240
00:14:09,892 --> 00:14:12,728
but none of them outweigh kid-touching,
so, next."
241
00:14:14,605 --> 00:14:16,231
That is a silly argument.
242
00:14:21,945 --> 00:14:24,781
"You know, Ethel made $240
at the bake sale."
243
00:14:24,781 --> 00:14:27,910
"I understand that, but Justin can't sleep
without the lights on."
244
00:14:30,996 --> 00:14:33,999
"So... what do we do?"
245
00:14:34,791 --> 00:14:36,793
"The suggestion box isn't working."
246
00:14:37,920 --> 00:14:42,049
"I'm assuming the children have tried,
'Please stop it. I don't like this.'"
247
00:14:48,972 --> 00:14:50,682
"And we can't burn the churches down
248
00:14:50,682 --> 00:14:52,893
because they made them
with big rocks and brick."
249
00:14:53,602 --> 00:14:56,939
I mean, they third-little-pig'd
the shit out of us over there.
250
00:15:02,736 --> 00:15:05,447
I went to a Catholic church
because I wanted to check it out.
251
00:15:05,447 --> 00:15:07,950
I don't like making fun of stuff
unless I know what's going on.
252
00:15:07,950 --> 00:15:11,036
So I went to a Catholic church
and there's old men everywhere.
253
00:15:11,161 --> 00:15:12,704
Very old. The oldest of men.
254
00:15:13,413 --> 00:15:15,832
Where you go, "Did you know Jesus?
'Cause you're old."
255
00:15:16,333 --> 00:15:20,504
And they have Ichabod Crane bodies
and one-piece Charles Dickens' pajamas.
256
00:15:21,797 --> 00:15:24,216
And they have KKK hats
that don't go all the way down.
257
00:15:24,216 --> 00:15:25,425
They sit right on top.
258
00:15:26,343 --> 00:15:29,137
And there's a baby rattle
that appears to be on fire
259
00:15:30,180 --> 00:15:32,557
and they're swinging that around
and shaking it.
260
00:15:33,350 --> 00:15:36,603
If you were on mushrooms,
you'd be like, "Okay. All right."
261
00:15:38,105 --> 00:15:39,982
But you're not on mushrooms.
You're at church.
262
00:15:39,982 --> 00:15:41,858
So you start freaking out a little.
263
00:15:42,359 --> 00:15:44,027
And that's when the music starts.
264
00:15:44,695 --> 00:15:46,571
And that's when I go full panic.
265
00:15:46,571 --> 00:15:48,824
Because, to me,
266
00:15:48,824 --> 00:15:52,160
Catholic music sounds like it was written
with nutsacks in mouths.
267
00:16:15,642 --> 00:16:17,185
Why did my lips not touch?
268
00:16:22,816 --> 00:16:26,278
There were supposed to be lyrics,
but you can't talk around a ballbag.
269
00:16:27,571 --> 00:16:31,241
That's Gregorian gargling.
What is happening at the church?
270
00:16:31,241 --> 00:16:33,702
Get out of the bubble mobile
and help us, Pope!
271
00:16:38,290 --> 00:16:39,791
I'm glad most of you are having fun.
272
00:16:39,791 --> 00:16:42,002
I'm getting some looks of concern
for my soul.
273
00:16:43,295 --> 00:16:45,881
I do understand that
and I appreciate it, actually.
274
00:16:46,548 --> 00:16:48,675
But I've been making fun
of the Catholic Church on stage
275
00:16:48,675 --> 00:16:50,177
for 22 years and look...
276
00:16:53,638 --> 00:16:54,473
I'm fine.
277
00:16:54,473 --> 00:16:57,059
Sometimes I golf in the rain
and I'll hold up a club and be like,
278
00:16:57,059 --> 00:16:58,060
"Hit me, bitch!"
279
00:17:00,687 --> 00:17:03,148
Mostly 'cause I'm not good at golf,
but you get it.
280
00:17:06,526 --> 00:17:09,237
I think here's what bothers me the most
about the Church,
281
00:17:09,237 --> 00:17:11,656
is that it's leaking into
other parts of our lives.
282
00:17:12,199 --> 00:17:14,159
I was at the airport one time
and I went to a Su--
283
00:17:14,159 --> 00:17:18,455
I went to a Starbucks to get some coffee.
Let me try that again.
284
00:17:18,455 --> 00:17:19,873
Jesus. Right?
285
00:17:19,873 --> 00:17:22,584
I almost said Subway.
I'm like, "God, I must be hungry."
286
00:17:24,294 --> 00:17:27,547
Go to a Subway at an airport,
fucking best of luck with your asshole.
287
00:17:29,549 --> 00:17:31,051
Right? I mean...
288
00:17:33,553 --> 00:17:35,555
"I was at the airport
and I went to a Subway
289
00:17:35,555 --> 00:17:37,974
and then I cancelled
all my fucking travel plans."
290
00:17:39,351 --> 00:17:41,770
"Because I will not shit
above 10,000 feet."
291
00:17:48,193 --> 00:17:50,445
Well, shit, maybe that should be the joke.
I don't know.
292
00:17:54,491 --> 00:17:56,785
"How was the show?"
"He looked confused but funny."
293
00:17:56,785 --> 00:17:58,870
-"It was weird."
294
00:18:03,500 --> 00:18:06,670
The thing that bugs me is the Church
is moving into other parts of our lives.
295
00:18:06,670 --> 00:18:10,257
I was at an airport one time
and I went to a Starbucks to get a coffee.
296
00:18:10,257 --> 00:18:12,843
When I ordered the coffee,
the guy grabbed the cup off the stack,
297
00:18:12,843 --> 00:18:14,386
and he was writing my name on the cup
298
00:18:14,386 --> 00:18:17,514
but he was holding my cup
with his finger inside my cup.
299
00:18:18,306 --> 00:18:19,975
- Thank you.
300
00:18:21,476 --> 00:18:24,187
And I said, "Yo, man,
can you get your finger out of my cup?"
301
00:18:24,187 --> 00:18:25,897
He took it out
and goes, "Wasn't in there."
302
00:18:25,897 --> 00:18:28,525
I go, "Yeah, it was and that's okay,
I just want a new cup."
303
00:18:28,525 --> 00:18:29,901
He goes, "No, it wasn't!"
304
00:18:30,443 --> 00:18:32,320
And the lady behind me goes,
"I also saw it."
305
00:18:32,320 --> 00:18:33,947
And I said, "Uh-oh."
306
00:18:36,908 --> 00:18:39,494
Then he swore at both of us
and he got fired on the spot
307
00:18:39,494 --> 00:18:41,454
and physically removed
from behind the counter
308
00:18:42,372 --> 00:18:43,790
by the manager of Starbucks.
309
00:18:44,958 --> 00:18:48,753
And I was just standing there like this,
"Ah, I don't know what's going on."
310
00:18:48,753 --> 00:18:51,047
The manager came back and goes,
"Still want your coffee?"
311
00:18:51,047 --> 00:18:52,841
I go, "Oh, I'm wide awake."
312
00:18:56,303 --> 00:18:59,347
"I don't need any caffeine.
I'm vibrating on the inside right now."
313
00:19:01,308 --> 00:19:03,018
I go back to that Starbucks
every time I can
314
00:19:03,018 --> 00:19:05,312
because I like
how the manager handled this business.
315
00:19:07,189 --> 00:19:09,983
I've gone back several times,
and that guy's never been working there.
316
00:19:09,983 --> 00:19:12,485
Then one time, I had a flight
on the other side of the airport,
317
00:19:12,485 --> 00:19:14,029
so I went to that Starbucks,
318
00:19:14,029 --> 00:19:15,614
and the guy was working there.
319
00:19:17,657 --> 00:19:19,242
Just like the Catholic Church.
320
00:19:33,965 --> 00:19:35,217
I think I'm a good dad.
321
00:19:38,220 --> 00:19:40,639
I do not think I'm great
at comedy transitions.
322
00:19:42,891 --> 00:19:44,309
But I do, I think I'm a good dad.
323
00:19:44,309 --> 00:19:47,604
I think you only have to be better
than your dad, to be a good dad.
324
00:19:47,604 --> 00:19:50,440
And that is a rule I made up
to make myself feel better.
325
00:19:52,025 --> 00:19:54,069
Do any men in here
have a bad dad growing up?
326
00:19:54,069 --> 00:19:55,570
- Okay.
327
00:19:55,570 --> 00:19:57,864
Twins cap, how come your dad was bad?
328
00:19:57,864 --> 00:20:00,200
- Had nothing to do with you?
329
00:20:00,200 --> 00:20:01,451
- You have kids?
Yeah.
330
00:20:01,451 --> 00:20:03,495
- Do you have anything to do with them?
Yes.
331
00:20:03,495 --> 00:20:06,248
You're a fucking better dad, easy.
Good for you. Good dad alert.
332
00:20:07,499 --> 00:20:08,667
Good dad alert.
333
00:20:12,003 --> 00:20:14,172
My dad stole my identity
and ruined my credit
334
00:20:14,172 --> 00:20:15,590
before I was out of high school.
335
00:20:15,590 --> 00:20:17,884
- That's what mine did.
336
00:20:20,220 --> 00:20:21,763
All I had to do to be better than him
337
00:20:21,763 --> 00:20:24,099
was not learn
my son's social security number.
338
00:20:25,892 --> 00:20:28,561
And hate to brag, but I did it.
339
00:20:30,397 --> 00:20:32,065
Took some shit.
I brought him to camp once
340
00:20:32,065 --> 00:20:35,193
and this woman was like, "You don't know
your son's social security number?"
341
00:20:35,193 --> 00:20:37,195
And I was like, "I'm a great father."
342
00:20:41,283 --> 00:20:44,327
I didn't know he'd stolen my identity
and ruined my credit until...
343
00:20:44,327 --> 00:20:47,747
I went to get my first car loan
and the man just laughed in my face.
344
00:20:48,373 --> 00:20:50,041
And he goes, "I can't give you money."
345
00:20:50,041 --> 00:20:54,879
"You owe a woman named Karen Ward
$15,000 in child support."
346
00:20:55,839 --> 00:20:58,717
And I was like, "Well, that’s crazy
'cause that's my mom."
347
00:21:07,767 --> 00:21:10,895
I mean, I know she said we had
to start helping out around the house
348
00:21:10,895 --> 00:21:13,064
but $15,000?
349
00:21:19,654 --> 00:21:21,865
I also never hit my kids
when they were little.
350
00:21:21,865 --> 00:21:23,950
I don't judge you if you do, by the way.
351
00:21:24,743 --> 00:21:27,120
Matter of fact,
if we're out in a restaurant, eating,
352
00:21:27,120 --> 00:21:28,538
and I'm at a table by myself,
353
00:21:28,538 --> 00:21:30,457
and you're here with your kids,
they're crying,
354
00:21:30,457 --> 00:21:32,208
I will encourage you to hit them.
355
00:21:33,710 --> 00:21:37,672
I might even suggest balling up your fist,
so you only have to do it that one time.
356
00:21:41,259 --> 00:21:44,012
Everybody knows you wake up
with a better attitude after a nap.
357
00:21:49,225 --> 00:21:52,062
Oh, man,
some resistance in here.
358
00:21:52,979 --> 00:21:54,647
Listen. Am I gonna hit a kid? No.
359
00:21:54,647 --> 00:21:57,150
Am I gonna think about it?
Every single day, yes.
360
00:21:59,152 --> 00:22:01,946
That's how you don't do stuff.
You think about it up here.
361
00:22:01,946 --> 00:22:04,991
You go, "Oh, I would throttle that kid
in the fucking nose."
362
00:22:05,742 --> 00:22:08,953
And then you go, "Shake if off, dude.
Don't do it. All right. Here we go."
363
00:22:08,953 --> 00:22:10,288
That's how your day gets better.
364
00:22:10,288 --> 00:22:13,249
My kids are 24 and 20,
and I know how I would murder them.
365
00:22:15,210 --> 00:22:17,837
That's how far it has escalated
in my family.
366
00:22:18,630 --> 00:22:22,217
It involves an ice house and an auger
and chains so the bodies sink.
367
00:22:27,138 --> 00:22:28,473
When they're being assholes,
368
00:22:28,473 --> 00:22:30,850
I'll just look at them
with a weird look on my face.
369
00:22:33,269 --> 00:22:35,980
"What are you thinking about?"
"I don't know. This motion."
370
00:22:40,568 --> 00:22:42,362
"Pretty sure you stop that with chains."
371
00:22:48,159 --> 00:22:50,703
My parents tossed us around a little.
Nothing therapy-worthy.
372
00:22:53,957 --> 00:22:56,000
We had a weird disciplinary dichotomy
in my home.
373
00:22:56,000 --> 00:22:59,254
It's like the roles were reversed
for my parents in the discipline.
374
00:22:59,254 --> 00:23:00,755
When my sister and I were acting up,
375
00:23:00,755 --> 00:23:03,258
my dad would come in
with a wooden spoon and he'd shake it.
376
00:23:03,258 --> 00:23:05,093
Like he was going to spank us with it.
377
00:23:05,093 --> 00:23:08,388
And my sister and I'd be like,
"Nice try, nerd," and keep going.
378
00:23:10,849 --> 00:23:12,851
But then my mom would hear us
disrespecting our dad
379
00:23:12,851 --> 00:23:14,853
and she'd come in, loosening her belt,
380
00:23:15,812 --> 00:23:17,522
and we would freeze immediately.
381
00:23:18,022 --> 00:23:20,567
Right? 'Cause getting hit
with a wooden spoon does not hurt.
382
00:23:20,567 --> 00:23:22,360
But getting fucked by your mom?
383
00:23:37,709 --> 00:23:38,543
Guys...
384
00:23:42,672 --> 00:23:44,841
We had no way of knowing
if that's where it was headed,
385
00:23:44,841 --> 00:23:46,509
but we did not want to find out.
386
00:23:47,760 --> 00:23:50,513
Spanking or rape,
no, thank you.
387
00:23:55,852 --> 00:23:58,062
I feel like this is a perfect opportunity
to tell you
388
00:23:58,062 --> 00:24:00,148
my mom never had sex with me.
389
00:24:02,442 --> 00:24:04,027
I had horrible credit.
390
00:24:11,493 --> 00:24:15,079
I told you, I have two kids. 24 and 20.
391
00:24:15,747 --> 00:24:17,916
And my 20-year-old
is at college right now.
392
00:24:17,916 --> 00:24:20,418
She is a sophomore in Southern California.
393
00:24:20,418 --> 00:24:22,587
- Sure, sure.
394
00:24:23,671 --> 00:24:25,757
I dropped her off her sophomore year
and freshman year,
395
00:24:25,757 --> 00:24:27,634
and it was a lot easier
her sophomore year,
396
00:24:27,634 --> 00:24:30,011
because she was a pretty big bitch to me
last summer.
397
00:24:33,515 --> 00:24:35,016
I almost didn't stop the car this year.
398
00:24:35,016 --> 00:24:37,685
I was just like, "Get out,"
through a crosswalk.
399
00:24:39,729 --> 00:24:42,065
But freshman year, guys,
that was rough on me.
400
00:24:42,982 --> 00:24:44,359
If you have young children,
401
00:24:44,943 --> 00:24:46,486
stop loving them now.
402
00:24:48,780 --> 00:24:50,615
It will be a lot easier on you
403
00:24:50,615 --> 00:24:53,076
when they abandon you for "their life"
404
00:24:53,826 --> 00:24:56,412
or whatever selfish bullshit
they're gonna tell you.
405
00:24:59,958 --> 00:25:01,834
When I dropped her off--
She's my youngest.
406
00:25:01,834 --> 00:25:04,837
So I had trouble dropping my son off.
I was a little choked up with him.
407
00:25:04,837 --> 00:25:06,756
And then my daughter, she's the youngest,
408
00:25:06,756 --> 00:25:09,759
and so, I had tears
the whole week I was at this thing.
409
00:25:09,759 --> 00:25:12,095
And it was like,
I didn't want to cry because I'm the dad.
410
00:25:12,095 --> 00:25:13,388
I didn't want to embarrass her,
411
00:25:13,388 --> 00:25:17,517
so I did what all good American dads do
with sadness.
412
00:25:17,517 --> 00:25:19,602
I turned it into rage.
413
00:25:23,565 --> 00:25:25,483
That's what we do
'cause that's how we're raised.
414
00:25:25,483 --> 00:25:27,527
When you're young,
you can't be embarrassed or sad.
415
00:25:27,527 --> 00:25:28,653
You get called a pussy.
416
00:25:29,195 --> 00:25:31,948
But you punch a wall and everyone's like,
"There he is."
417
00:25:33,908 --> 00:25:35,368
"There's the boy."
418
00:25:36,703 --> 00:25:39,539
I was crying in my room when I was younger
and my dad came in and he said,
419
00:25:39,539 --> 00:25:41,958
"I will give you something to cry about."
420
00:25:42,542 --> 00:25:47,422
And I was like, "Hey, man, clearly
I already have something to cry about."
421
00:25:47,422 --> 00:25:49,674
"I'm actively crying right now."
422
00:25:50,550 --> 00:25:52,218
"I don't want yours. I have one."
423
00:25:52,218 --> 00:25:54,679
"That would give me two and give you zero.
That's not fair."
424
00:25:55,179 --> 00:25:57,015
"Plus, my name
is probably already on yours
425
00:25:57,015 --> 00:25:59,309
because you stole my identity,
you son of a bitch."
426
00:26:04,022 --> 00:26:06,566
Isn't it wild
we don't have a class in high school
427
00:26:06,566 --> 00:26:08,985
to teach kids
how to deal with their emotions?
428
00:26:08,985 --> 00:26:11,779
Or credit cards.
I mean, why don't we have those?
429
00:26:12,363 --> 00:26:15,199
It's pretty amazing.
Instead, we send them into calculus.
430
00:26:15,992 --> 00:26:17,660
When's the last time you used calculus?
431
00:26:17,660 --> 00:26:19,245
I'm gonna say, for me, never.
432
00:26:19,996 --> 00:26:21,831
When's the last time
you had to deal with emotions?
433
00:26:21,831 --> 00:26:23,791
A lot of you
during that Catholic bit, I know.
434
00:26:25,335 --> 00:26:26,461
I saw that.
435
00:26:27,420 --> 00:26:29,422
I saw that on your faces, for sure.
436
00:26:31,090 --> 00:26:33,343
But they don't have a class for it.
They send us to Home Ec
437
00:26:33,343 --> 00:26:36,304
to make a pillow so we have something
to scream into at night.
438
00:26:37,430 --> 00:26:38,348
It's crazy.
439
00:26:40,058 --> 00:26:41,225
And what's wild is
440
00:26:41,225 --> 00:26:44,729
we had the perfect vehicle to teach kids
how to deal with emotions
441
00:26:44,729 --> 00:26:46,648
with story problems in Math.
442
00:26:47,148 --> 00:26:50,234
But that's not what we used them for.
What did we use them for? European travel?
443
00:26:51,653 --> 00:26:55,490
"If a train is leaving Paris, France,
at midnight, going 185km/hr,
444
00:26:55,490 --> 00:26:56,991
when is it going to get to London?"
445
00:26:56,991 --> 00:26:59,410
"Hey, man,
there is a schedule on the wall."
446
00:27:01,537 --> 00:27:04,666
"We don't have to do this math.
That's included in the ticket price."
447
00:27:08,461 --> 00:27:11,130
What we should have been
using story problems for is this.
448
00:27:11,130 --> 00:27:13,091
"Matt has five apples."
449
00:27:13,716 --> 00:27:16,135
"Matt gave Julie four of his apples."
450
00:27:16,135 --> 00:27:19,597
"And then Julie turned and gave Ben
all four of those apples
451
00:27:19,597 --> 00:27:21,391
and kissed Ben right on the mouth."
452
00:27:24,477 --> 00:27:27,105
"Then she turned back, looked at Matt
and laughed in his face."
453
00:27:29,399 --> 00:27:31,275
"How many therapy sessions..."
454
00:27:33,069 --> 00:27:35,154
"...is it going to take for Matt to realize
455
00:27:35,154 --> 00:27:37,573
that Julie's actions
are not a reflection of his character,
456
00:27:37,573 --> 00:27:38,533
but of hers?"
457
00:27:39,951 --> 00:27:42,662
"So he doesn't shoot up a school
or call her a whore."
458
00:27:47,208 --> 00:27:49,210
Now there's a lot going on in that one,
459
00:27:50,628 --> 00:27:53,256
so you have to check the back of the book
for the answer.
460
00:27:53,256 --> 00:27:55,508
And it just says, "Well into his forties."
461
00:27:57,593 --> 00:28:00,763
Oh, my God. Am I Matt?
I don't know. Maybe.
462
00:28:02,181 --> 00:28:04,892
Maybe I wrote a joke about myself
and changed the names.
463
00:28:04,892 --> 00:28:06,978
- It doesn't matter.
464
00:28:12,608 --> 00:28:14,736
They don't teach us
how to deal with emotions in school.
465
00:28:14,736 --> 00:28:16,446
There I am. I've dropped my daughter off.
466
00:28:16,446 --> 00:28:18,781
I'm in the rental car.
I'm going back to the airport.
467
00:28:19,282 --> 00:28:21,409
I'm at a red light
and there's one car in front of me.
468
00:28:21,409 --> 00:28:22,827
I can feel the tears come again
469
00:28:22,827 --> 00:28:25,621
and I go, "You can't cry now.
You've gotta drop this goddamn car off."
470
00:28:25,621 --> 00:28:27,123
So I turn it into rage
471
00:28:27,123 --> 00:28:29,000
and I try to punch
the horn of the rental car
472
00:28:29,000 --> 00:28:30,501
through the steering column.
473
00:28:31,002 --> 00:28:33,463
I hit it
with every single thing I had in my body
474
00:28:33,463 --> 00:28:34,881
and it went, "Meep."
475
00:28:36,799 --> 00:28:40,511
Dude, I went through the roof.
I was like, "Meep, meep, meep, meep."
476
00:28:41,137 --> 00:28:44,056
Thinking if I hit it correctly once,
it would go...
477
00:28:44,557 --> 00:28:45,892
No. Meep, meep, meep, meep.
478
00:28:45,892 --> 00:28:48,394
Finally, the guy in front of me
rolls his window down, is like,
479
00:28:48,394 --> 00:28:49,937
"Did I do something?!"
480
00:28:51,147 --> 00:28:53,649
And I was like,
"I'm going home to an empty house!"
481
00:29:02,533 --> 00:29:04,744
Then I saw him look both ways,
482
00:29:04,744 --> 00:29:06,412
and run a red light.
483
00:29:14,128 --> 00:29:18,174
Which is absolutely what you need to do
when there is a psychopath behind you.
484
00:29:18,841 --> 00:29:21,427
You don't ask another question.
You get somewhere safe.
485
00:29:24,597 --> 00:29:27,809
I'll tell you that I did have some fun
when I was dropping my daughter off.
486
00:29:27,809 --> 00:29:29,894
She was on a tour with other students.
487
00:29:29,894 --> 00:29:33,439
I went to the registration table and said,
"I gotta get my daughter signed up."
488
00:29:33,439 --> 00:29:35,233
They go, "What's her name?"
I said, "Olivia."
489
00:29:35,233 --> 00:29:36,943
"What's her major?" "She's undecided."
490
00:29:36,943 --> 00:29:39,654
And the woman said... [chuckling] "No!"
491
00:29:39,654 --> 00:29:41,280
"No. No. No."
492
00:29:42,114 --> 00:29:43,866
"She's an exploratory major."
493
00:29:45,785 --> 00:29:48,204
"We don't say 'undecided' here."
494
00:29:49,622 --> 00:29:51,958
"Ex-plo-ra-to-ry."
495
00:29:53,626 --> 00:29:54,836
That's what she did.
496
00:29:54,836 --> 00:29:57,129
And then she said some other stuff
for five minutes
497
00:29:57,129 --> 00:29:58,840
and I didn't hear any of that.
498
00:30:02,260 --> 00:30:05,012
Because I was in the middle
of a frustration blackout.
499
00:30:09,308 --> 00:30:11,310
Then she said,
"Thank you for coming to orientation."
500
00:30:11,310 --> 00:30:14,230
And I said... [chuckling] "No! No, no, no."
501
00:30:14,856 --> 00:30:15,857
"Asia-tation."
502
00:30:16,899 --> 00:30:19,610
"We do not say 'Orient' here."
503
00:30:25,199 --> 00:30:27,201
"As-ia-ta-tion."
504
00:30:28,369 --> 00:30:31,122
That is the last time I moonwalked away
from another human being.
505
00:30:32,331 --> 00:30:34,625
I did. I did it all.
Eh-he! All of it.
506
00:30:39,839 --> 00:30:42,383
My favorite part of dropping her off
is when she met her roommates.
507
00:30:42,383 --> 00:30:43,759
They're from Southern California.
508
00:30:43,759 --> 00:30:46,345
She grew up in Northern Minnesota
and still has her accent.
509
00:30:46,345 --> 00:30:48,222
So it was like two different languages.
510
00:30:48,222 --> 00:30:50,391
She was like,
"Can you guys grab me my bayg?"
511
00:30:51,809 --> 00:30:54,729
"My bayg has my clothes.
It's by your feet. Just grab my bayg."
512
00:30:55,479 --> 00:31:02,361
And her roommates are like,
"Grab your whaaaat?
513
00:31:03,404 --> 00:31:04,906
It was like a confused teapot.
514
00:31:10,161 --> 00:31:12,330
And my daughter was like,
"Just grab my bayg."
515
00:31:12,955 --> 00:31:16,334
One of her roommates goes,
"I think you mean bahg."
516
00:31:18,085 --> 00:31:20,421
And I was like,
"I don't think that's right either."
517
00:31:22,214 --> 00:31:25,676
No one's ever got into trouble
for calling a guy a "fog."
518
00:31:25,676 --> 00:31:27,136
- Huh?
519
00:31:35,186 --> 00:31:38,314
I mean, that's just condensation.
That doesn't even make sense.
520
00:31:41,108 --> 00:31:42,526
"Mama, what's condensation?"
521
00:31:42,526 --> 00:31:44,946
"Well, that's the Lord's breath
on a window."
522
00:31:53,704 --> 00:31:56,499
I visited my daughter
five times last year, and the fifth time...
523
00:31:56,499 --> 00:32:00,461
So she has a roommate, and her mom
was there every time I got there. Right?
524
00:32:00,461 --> 00:32:04,298
So the fifth time I went, the mom goes,
"Can I talk to you for a second?"
525
00:32:04,298 --> 00:32:05,591
I'm like, "Yeah. What's up?"
526
00:32:05,591 --> 00:32:07,426
She goes, "Do you think
you're here too much?"
527
00:32:09,261 --> 00:32:12,014
And I said, "I think you're here
every single time I'm here."
528
00:32:12,556 --> 00:32:14,308
"Are we here too much, do you think?"
529
00:32:15,184 --> 00:32:16,686
And she goes, "Well, I'm a mom."
530
00:32:19,855 --> 00:32:22,525
Yeah. And I was like,
"I don't think you can say that."
531
00:32:24,026 --> 00:32:26,487
You can't dad-shame me.
I will cancel you, bitch.
532
00:32:29,532 --> 00:32:32,076
She goes, "I'm just worried
you're smothering your daughter."
533
00:32:32,076 --> 00:32:34,787
I said, "Well, if I'm smothering her
from visiting her at college,
534
00:32:34,787 --> 00:32:36,706
she's in big trouble when I die."
535
00:32:37,331 --> 00:32:39,500
"Because in my will it says
I'm to be cremated,
536
00:32:39,500 --> 00:32:41,293
and my ashes are to be dyed pink and blue
537
00:32:41,293 --> 00:32:44,005
so they can be used
at my grandchildren's gender reveal."
538
00:32:47,008 --> 00:32:48,175
That's actually in my will.
539
00:32:50,720 --> 00:32:52,972
I love a good party
and I don't want to miss it.
540
00:32:53,472 --> 00:32:56,517
"What's it gonna be?
What's it gonna be?"
541
00:32:56,517 --> 00:32:58,602
"Grandpa!"
542
00:33:07,486 --> 00:33:10,156
Ah, yes, but then it was time to go home.
So I did.
543
00:33:10,156 --> 00:33:12,408
And I didn't know exactly how sad I was
544
00:33:12,908 --> 00:33:14,910
until I got all the way back here
to Minnesota
545
00:33:14,910 --> 00:33:17,663
and I went to my home to no one
546
00:33:18,581 --> 00:33:20,708
and I ate a pizza without cutting it.
547
00:33:24,211 --> 00:33:26,881
I mean, think about how pathetic that is.
548
00:33:27,965 --> 00:33:30,134
By the way,
I had a pizza cutter in my hand.
549
00:33:31,385 --> 00:33:33,220
And I yelled to an empty house,
550
00:33:33,220 --> 00:33:35,639
"Well, no one else is here
to have a piece."
551
00:33:36,766 --> 00:33:38,642
Then I folded the pizza
552
00:33:39,226 --> 00:33:41,062
and I grabbed it from the top
553
00:33:41,062 --> 00:33:42,688
and I ate it from the bottom...
554
00:33:44,190 --> 00:33:47,109
...like a parasite
on the belly of a wild animal.
555
00:33:50,946 --> 00:33:52,448
I will tell you when you fold a pizza,
556
00:33:52,448 --> 00:33:55,367
grease will pour out one side
and it will stain your pants.
557
00:33:58,913 --> 00:34:00,873
I'm also gonna let you know
I wasn't wearing pants.
558
00:34:00,873 --> 00:34:01,999
I told you, I was sad.
559
00:34:06,253 --> 00:34:09,673
So there I was in my kitchen,
in my panties...
560
00:34:11,675 --> 00:34:13,677
eating an Italian taco...
561
00:34:16,222 --> 00:34:18,224
with a grease burn on my inner thigh
562
00:34:19,642 --> 00:34:21,102
that I now tell people is a birthmark
563
00:34:21,102 --> 00:34:23,062
because that's kind of
an embarrassing story.
564
00:34:32,738 --> 00:34:35,074
It was in that moment I had the thought
565
00:34:35,658 --> 00:34:38,160
I'm gonna hate being an empty nester
566
00:34:38,160 --> 00:34:41,038
more than anything I've ever done
in my entire life.
567
00:34:42,832 --> 00:34:46,210
And then a week later,
for the first time in 23 years,
568
00:34:47,086 --> 00:34:49,088
23 years,
569
00:34:50,256 --> 00:34:52,007
I got a blowjob in my own house.
570
00:35:02,852 --> 00:35:04,854
And I thought, "You know what?"
571
00:35:06,856 --> 00:35:08,399
"We're gonna figure this out."
572
00:35:13,696 --> 00:35:16,240
My daughter Facetimed me,
"I'm coming home for Thanksgiving."
573
00:35:16,240 --> 00:35:17,741
I was like, "I don't know."
574
00:35:20,744 --> 00:35:22,830
"Why don't you stay there?
Get to know your roommates."
575
00:35:22,830 --> 00:35:25,332
"Really enjoy the college exp-- Oh!"
576
00:35:27,084 --> 00:35:28,586
Oh!
577
00:35:29,503 --> 00:35:32,047
She was like, "What's wrong?"
Didn't have the heart to tell her...
578
00:35:32,631 --> 00:35:34,258
"Not all your friends went to college."
579
00:35:48,355 --> 00:35:50,357
Some of those boys didn't have the grades.
580
00:35:56,530 --> 00:35:58,073
This reaction is incredible.
581
00:35:59,783 --> 00:36:01,035
Absolutely incredible.
582
00:36:01,035 --> 00:36:03,621
You're like, "Oh, it's a girl. Kill him."
583
00:36:04,371 --> 00:36:05,748
"It's fine. It's a boy."
584
00:36:06,957 --> 00:36:08,250
What a weird reaction.
585
00:36:08,250 --> 00:36:10,211
First of all,
it's neither of those groups.
586
00:36:10,711 --> 00:36:13,589
It's a fully-cooked adult woman.
So everyone calm down.
587
00:36:18,010 --> 00:36:20,554
Here's what happened. Well, not...
Never mind. Not that.
588
00:36:22,556 --> 00:36:24,642
You guys are like,
"All right. I'm listening."
589
00:36:25,392 --> 00:36:27,102
Not that part. Let me start over here.
590
00:36:27,102 --> 00:36:29,563
I didn't date in my daughter's
senior year of high school.
591
00:36:29,563 --> 00:36:31,148
I didn't wanna choose between
592
00:36:31,148 --> 00:36:33,442
her last events
and then getting to know someone.
593
00:36:33,442 --> 00:36:35,236
I didn't think
anyone would get my full attention.
594
00:36:35,236 --> 00:36:36,487
I didn't think that was fair.
595
00:36:36,487 --> 00:36:37,863
So I took a year off of dating
596
00:36:37,863 --> 00:36:40,366
and I learned something very important
about myself.
597
00:36:40,950 --> 00:36:43,911
I learned that I could die alone
and be okay with that.
598
00:36:45,371 --> 00:36:48,832
That is very good information
to have about yourself.
599
00:36:49,875 --> 00:36:53,712
It is a horrible attitude to have
in a new relationship.
600
00:36:57,007 --> 00:36:58,759
There was a woman in my house once
after this.
601
00:36:58,759 --> 00:37:02,012
She's like, "I don't like this movie."
I go, "I could die alone and go home."
602
00:37:05,057 --> 00:37:07,559
You got to figure out
how to turn that shit down a bit.
603
00:37:10,437 --> 00:37:13,023
Then I went on my first date
with my current girlfriend, Kelsey.
604
00:37:13,023 --> 00:37:16,318
Here's what happened. She's allergic
to everything and that sucks.
605
00:37:17,111 --> 00:37:18,112
I mean everything.
606
00:37:18,112 --> 00:37:21,323
Like, "Does your water have hydrogen?
It has two? I can't have that."
607
00:37:22,408 --> 00:37:24,326
It was like that kind of stuff.
608
00:37:24,326 --> 00:37:26,912
So I'm like, "I'm not gonna
be able to do this. For sure."
609
00:37:26,912 --> 00:37:29,415
At the end of dinner,
she said something really compelling.
610
00:37:29,915 --> 00:37:32,167
She said, "Peanuts can kill me."
611
00:37:33,168 --> 00:37:35,379
"Dairy makes me shit my pants."
612
00:37:37,214 --> 00:37:41,218
And I thought, "Oh, my God.
Am I falling in love right now?"
613
00:37:43,637 --> 00:37:46,432
Turns out I was. Because I think
that's a very funny thing to say.
614
00:37:46,432 --> 00:37:49,601
It's also great information to have
at the beginning of a relationship.
615
00:37:50,561 --> 00:37:52,938
Because now I know
if she accidentally has dairy,
616
00:37:52,938 --> 00:37:55,065
I can just give her a peanut
to stop the madness.
617
00:38:00,612 --> 00:38:03,991
Yeah, you're damn right.
I told you I can die alone. I said that.
618
00:38:04,783 --> 00:38:08,203
I never said I could sit next to somebody
while they shit their pants in public.
619
00:38:14,168 --> 00:38:17,546
Here's the thing. Peanut butter has been
my favorite food since I was a little boy.
620
00:38:17,546 --> 00:38:20,549
Now I can't have it
'cause I'm in this relationship,
621
00:38:20,549 --> 00:38:23,385
and Kelsey goes,
"Well, why don't you try almond butter?"
622
00:38:23,385 --> 00:38:26,096
I was like, "I don't know.
Why don't you fuck you?"
623
00:38:33,896 --> 00:38:35,522
Have you ever had almond butter?
624
00:38:36,106 --> 00:38:37,733
It sucks so hard!
625
00:38:38,650 --> 00:38:41,278
It's like Christmas
with just church and no presents.
626
00:38:44,114 --> 00:38:45,783
Imagine that.
627
00:38:47,576 --> 00:38:48,744
How do they make almond butter?
628
00:38:48,744 --> 00:38:51,622
They have little kids chew up almonds
and spit them into a jar.
629
00:38:52,706 --> 00:38:54,291
It's-- There's-- It's so gross!
630
00:38:59,296 --> 00:39:00,255
So I finally broke.
631
00:39:00,255 --> 00:39:03,092
We moved in together.
I brought a jar of peanut butter with me.
632
00:39:03,092 --> 00:39:05,469
She said, "What's that?"
I said, "You know what that is."
633
00:39:06,136 --> 00:39:07,971
She said, "What are you gonna do with it?"
634
00:39:07,971 --> 00:39:10,057
I said, "I'm gonna eat this
when you're not here."
635
00:39:10,057 --> 00:39:11,433
She said, "What if I eat it?"
636
00:39:11,934 --> 00:39:13,560
-"Don't."
637
00:39:14,520 --> 00:39:16,855
I dunno what to say.
"I'm gonna put this in this cupboard."
638
00:39:16,855 --> 00:39:19,483
"Don't open this cupboard.
This is the cupboard of death."
639
00:39:20,567 --> 00:39:23,320
"This is where I'm gonna put
the peanut butter and my throwing stars."
640
00:39:29,660 --> 00:39:31,453
"Don't open this. You could get hurt."
641
00:39:33,956 --> 00:39:35,207
She said, "I cannot believe
642
00:39:35,207 --> 00:39:37,584
you brought something in this house
that I am allergic to."
643
00:39:37,584 --> 00:39:40,170
I go, "How are your two cats doing
that kill me slowly every day?"
644
00:39:40,170 --> 00:39:41,463
"What's going on with them?"
645
00:39:41,463 --> 00:39:44,508
"Been fed yet and barfed it up
somewhere on the carpet?"
646
00:39:49,138 --> 00:39:50,806
I said, "About this peanut butter,
647
00:39:50,806 --> 00:39:53,225
you're never gonna wake up
with it on your head."
648
00:39:57,604 --> 00:39:58,856
Have you ever met a cat?
649
00:39:59,815 --> 00:40:01,066
They're autistic.
650
00:40:02,693 --> 00:40:03,819
They're full spectrum.
651
00:40:03,819 --> 00:40:07,197
They go, "He's allergic to me?
Well, I'm gonna love him the most."
652
00:40:07,948 --> 00:40:09,199
It's insane.
653
00:40:10,617 --> 00:40:13,036
They sleep on my head
and then I snore because of it
654
00:40:13,036 --> 00:40:15,122
and then Kelsey's like, "Hey."
655
00:40:16,582 --> 00:40:18,167
"You're mouth-breathing."
656
00:40:24,256 --> 00:40:25,424
"Can you wake up? Honey?"
657
00:40:25,424 --> 00:40:27,676
"You're mouth-breathing.
It's bothering me."
658
00:40:31,930 --> 00:40:32,890
"Can you wake up?"
659
00:40:33,891 --> 00:40:35,601
I'm like, "Huh? What?
Who's mouth-breathing?"
660
00:40:35,601 --> 00:40:36,643
"I'm mouth-breathing?"
661
00:40:36,643 --> 00:40:39,188
"The one with the Davy Crockett cat hat
on my head..."
662
00:40:40,731 --> 00:40:45,486
"...whose dander is cascading down
into my breathing holes?"
663
00:40:46,111 --> 00:40:49,573
"So even though I'm in a dream,
I'm physically in fight or flight,
664
00:40:50,699 --> 00:40:53,827
and my face has to open
the biggest hole on it
665
00:40:53,827 --> 00:40:56,330
to let the most amount of oxygen in
666
00:40:57,206 --> 00:41:00,459
so I can remain
a card-carrying member of the alive?"
667
00:41:01,835 --> 00:41:05,255
"I'm mouth-breathing? No shit, honey!"
668
00:41:06,924 --> 00:41:08,467
"Tell me more."
669
00:41:16,266 --> 00:41:19,186
I said she'd never end up with peanut
butter in her hair when she's sleeping
670
00:41:19,186 --> 00:41:21,271
but I'm gonna get drunk and do it.
I know it.
671
00:41:22,773 --> 00:41:25,275
I know I am. I'm gonna slather it
in her hair and just be like,
672
00:41:26,193 --> 00:41:28,195
"You're mouth-breathing. Ha ha ha!"
673
00:41:29,321 --> 00:41:31,532
"Wake up! Wake up, wake up, wake up!"
674
00:41:32,741 --> 00:41:35,953
"You're bugging me or whatever you said
because we're equals!"
675
00:41:37,037 --> 00:41:39,039
"Wake up!"
676
00:41:40,332 --> 00:41:41,166
"Wake up."
677
00:41:43,335 --> 00:41:46,088
-"Oh, fuck! Wake up!"
678
00:41:47,673 --> 00:41:49,508
I'm pretty sure
peanuts are different than cats.
679
00:41:49,508 --> 00:41:52,594
So I'm gonna want to be careful
about that one.
680
00:41:55,847 --> 00:41:57,474
We did move in together pretty quickly.
681
00:41:57,474 --> 00:41:59,768
Because of that, people are like,
"You gonna have kids?"
682
00:41:59,768 --> 00:42:02,145
I will tell every single person
that I have a vasectomy
683
00:42:02,145 --> 00:42:04,314
and there's always
one person in the group that goes,
684
00:42:04,314 --> 00:42:06,275
"You know
you can reverse a vasectomy, right?"
685
00:42:06,275 --> 00:42:09,319
I'm like, "Yeah. You know you can walk
from Alaska to Argentina, right?"
686
00:42:11,405 --> 00:42:14,616
"But that's hard and you won't do it,
so why don't you shut your mouth?"
687
00:42:15,701 --> 00:42:17,953
This is a vasectomy.
I had a surgery for this.
688
00:42:17,953 --> 00:42:19,496
I went in on purpose.
689
00:42:19,496 --> 00:42:23,542
This is not a Tasmanian devil tattoo
690
00:42:23,542 --> 00:42:26,086
that I got on my senior trip in Mexico,
691
00:42:26,878 --> 00:42:29,548
that I'm later going to regret
in my late thirties,
692
00:42:29,548 --> 00:42:32,134
and cover it up with flowers
when my grandma dies.
693
00:42:37,889 --> 00:42:40,183
This is a vasectomy.
I didn't drive into the wrong driveway,
694
00:42:40,183 --> 00:42:41,727
and now need to back out.
695
00:42:42,311 --> 00:42:46,189
I went into a cold operating room
with a bare nutsack,
696
00:42:47,316 --> 00:42:48,859
per their request,
697
00:42:49,568 --> 00:42:51,028
and they sliced it open,
698
00:42:51,612 --> 00:42:54,573
and they pulled a tube out
and they snipped it,
699
00:42:54,573 --> 00:42:56,491
and they burned both sides of the tube,
700
00:42:56,491 --> 00:43:00,537
so now my sperm runs into that
and they die right there.
701
00:43:00,537 --> 00:43:02,623
And then they're absorbed
back into my body.
702
00:43:02,623 --> 00:43:04,207
And I don't know what that means.
703
00:43:09,546 --> 00:43:12,174
They told me that
and then had me leave the hospital.
704
00:43:12,841 --> 00:43:14,343
I have no idea what that means.
705
00:43:14,343 --> 00:43:17,012
Sometimes I will not have eaten
for a couple of hours and I'll burp
706
00:43:17,012 --> 00:43:19,348
and I'll be like, "Was that it?"
I don't know.
707
00:43:25,896 --> 00:43:28,565
I don't know where they are.
I'm like a haunted house.
708
00:43:30,359 --> 00:43:34,112
Just sperm ghosts everywhere in here.
709
00:43:34,112 --> 00:43:35,572
I have ringing in my ears
710
00:43:35,572 --> 00:43:38,950
and I'm pretty sure it's just the crickets
in the sperm graveyard.
711
00:43:44,915 --> 00:43:47,501
I'm not gonna reverse a vasectomy
'cause I don't know what'd happen.
712
00:43:48,877 --> 00:43:49,961
I don't know how that works.
713
00:43:49,961 --> 00:43:52,714
I've only reversed one thing in my life
and it was electricity.
714
00:43:52,714 --> 00:43:56,009
In college, we got our lights shut off
'cause we didn't pay the bill.
715
00:43:56,009 --> 00:43:57,969
We paid the bill,
they turned our lights back on,
716
00:43:57,969 --> 00:43:59,930
but then our lights flickered
for three days.
717
00:44:00,430 --> 00:44:02,224
I don't want a flickery sperm-shooter.
718
00:44:03,600 --> 00:44:07,229
I don't need my sperm coming out sideways
and just denting the egg.
719
00:44:09,564 --> 00:44:12,025
Then one finally gets in,
I have a kid come out like...
720
00:44:15,821 --> 00:44:17,364
Everybody's like, "You have ADHD?"
721
00:44:17,364 --> 00:44:20,158
"No, my dad Humpty-Dumpty'd
his ballbag back together."
722
00:44:25,288 --> 00:44:28,166
"Now we can't go to restaurants
because I fuck up meals."
723
00:44:36,091 --> 00:44:37,092
I'm not doing that.
724
00:44:42,139 --> 00:44:44,975
I have a vasectomy, she has an IUD,
725
00:44:44,975 --> 00:44:48,061
and one day she goes, "Ah, I'm late."
726
00:44:48,061 --> 00:44:51,189
"My period hasn't been...
I'm two weeks late."
727
00:44:51,773 --> 00:44:55,527
"I feel like my breasts are tender
and I feel a little chubbier than normal."
728
00:44:55,527 --> 00:44:57,779
"Do you think I'm pregnant?"
And I was like, "I don't."
729
00:45:00,282 --> 00:45:02,492
"I have a vasectomy and you have an IUD."
730
00:45:02,492 --> 00:45:04,870
"If you're pregnant,
we're about to have the creepiest kid..."
731
00:45:06,455 --> 00:45:08,165
"...of all time,
if he made it through that."
732
00:45:08,165 --> 00:45:10,709
He's gonna be able to
walk through his crib like, "Hello."
733
00:45:13,253 --> 00:45:14,838
"Mother, Father."
734
00:45:18,550 --> 00:45:21,887
We won't be able to get a babysitter
to come back more than one time.
735
00:45:23,555 --> 00:45:26,141
She goes, "Maybe I should go to Walgreens
and get a pregnancy test."
736
00:45:26,141 --> 00:45:29,144
I was like, "Sure. You should also
get a paternity test when you're there."
737
00:45:31,938 --> 00:45:33,023
That's not my kid.
738
00:45:33,899 --> 00:45:36,234
Pregnancy tests and paternity tests
should come in a two-pack
739
00:45:36,234 --> 00:45:37,903
like DayQuil and NyQuil.
740
00:45:43,784 --> 00:45:45,410
Just shrink-wrapped together.
741
00:45:49,998 --> 00:45:52,375
Kelsey asked me when we started dating,
"Do you want kids?"
742
00:45:52,375 --> 00:45:53,585
I said, "I have kids."
743
00:45:54,294 --> 00:45:55,545
She said, "What if I want kids?"
744
00:45:55,545 --> 00:45:57,714
I said, "Then you should have
brought some kids."
745
00:46:02,761 --> 00:46:04,304
I can't have a baby now!
746
00:46:04,304 --> 00:46:06,515
I told you my youngest is 20 years old.
747
00:46:06,515 --> 00:46:09,351
If I had a baby right now,
that would be like my last day of prison,
748
00:46:09,351 --> 00:46:11,436
going into the yard and stabbing somebody.
749
00:46:13,188 --> 00:46:16,149
Just be like, "Well, here we go again."
750
00:46:18,568 --> 00:46:20,654
"One more life sentence."
751
00:46:22,072 --> 00:46:25,283
"I guess I'll get one more degree
I'll never be able to use."
752
00:46:34,125 --> 00:46:38,129
I can't have a kid right now.
My son is getting married in 12 days.
753
00:46:38,129 --> 00:46:39,589
- He's 24.
754
00:46:39,589 --> 00:46:41,424
Yeah, sure. Yes.
755
00:46:42,759 --> 00:46:46,221
If you guys wanna waste your energy
clapping at mistakes, be my guest.
756
00:46:51,518 --> 00:46:53,562
No, I love his wife-to-be very much.
757
00:46:53,562 --> 00:46:56,147
I think it's funny 'cause when he was 23,
he got engaged and I go,
758
00:46:56,147 --> 00:46:57,774
"Think you're too young to get engaged?"
759
00:46:57,774 --> 00:47:00,151
He goes, "You think
you're a little old to be a boyfriend?"
760
00:47:08,076 --> 00:47:10,412
I'm like, "We will see you
at the wedding, my man."
761
00:47:12,956 --> 00:47:15,709
He's getting married in 12 days.
I dunno when they're gonna have a baby.
762
00:47:15,709 --> 00:47:18,253
I'm certainly not gonna be
one of those creepy families
763
00:47:18,253 --> 00:47:21,089
where the parents have a kid
as old as the oldest kid's kid.
764
00:47:22,340 --> 00:47:23,800
You ever seen them walking around?
765
00:47:23,800 --> 00:47:26,094
Like, "Who's your buddy?"
"This is my uncle."
766
00:47:27,846 --> 00:47:30,891
"Why don't you go back into the corn?
You're freaking everybody out."
767
00:47:39,357 --> 00:47:43,278
Plus, it wouldn't be fair if I had
a son and grandson the same age.
768
00:47:43,278 --> 00:47:45,280
Because I'm always gonna be a strict dad
769
00:47:45,280 --> 00:47:47,407
but I'm gonna
spoil the hell out of my grandkids.
770
00:47:48,992 --> 00:47:50,619
If they're the same age,
it doesn't make sense.
771
00:47:50,619 --> 00:47:53,622
"Son, go rake the lawn.
Grandson, go jump in the leaves."
772
00:47:55,373 --> 00:47:58,710
"You get in there. Now kick 'em around.
It doesn't matter. He'll do it again."
773
00:47:59,794 --> 00:48:00,629
"Yes, you will."
774
00:48:00,629 --> 00:48:04,507
"I have your phone for a month already.
Want to make it two? Rake up the leaves."
775
00:48:11,139 --> 00:48:13,183
When Kelsey and I started dating,
she put glasses on.
776
00:48:13,183 --> 00:48:15,560
She goes, "Are you surprised
I have glasses?" I said, "No."
777
00:48:16,269 --> 00:48:17,729
"With your weak-ass genetics?"
778
00:48:20,398 --> 00:48:23,443
"A nut can kill you.
You thought I thought you could see far?"
779
00:48:24,861 --> 00:48:26,196
"No!"
780
00:48:27,280 --> 00:48:29,866
And that's also why
I'm not gonna put a baby into her.
781
00:48:32,786 --> 00:48:33,703
That's not fair.
782
00:48:35,121 --> 00:48:36,748
Sorry, but the kids I have now are great.
783
00:48:36,748 --> 00:48:39,084
All their parts work,
their genetics are spot-on.
784
00:48:39,876 --> 00:48:42,712
And I know it sounds like
I'm giving a speech in Germany right now.
785
00:48:44,798 --> 00:48:45,757
Right?
786
00:48:46,925 --> 00:48:49,052
My children
will never be beaten.
787
00:48:49,052 --> 00:48:50,679
That's not what I'm saying.
788
00:48:50,679 --> 00:48:53,223
I'm just saying they're good.
I got good ones.
789
00:48:53,223 --> 00:48:54,683
So I don't think it's fair for me
790
00:48:54,683 --> 00:48:57,310
to put perfect vision
and straight teeth without braces
791
00:48:57,310 --> 00:48:59,562
into a bowl with "can't have a tomato."
792
00:49:05,485 --> 00:49:08,363
Plus, you know I'm the one that's
gonna have to take care of that kid.
793
00:49:08,863 --> 00:49:11,241
I'll have to bring him trick-or-treating
with a purple pumpkin
794
00:49:11,241 --> 00:49:12,575
because he can't have peanuts.
795
00:49:13,201 --> 00:49:14,244
She can't bring him out
796
00:49:14,244 --> 00:49:16,204
when there's pollen in the air,
it will kill her.
797
00:49:17,831 --> 00:49:20,083
People are like, "Why does
your son have a purple pumpkin?"
798
00:49:20,083 --> 00:49:22,085
"I don't know. He's broken. I'm not sure."
799
00:49:22,585 --> 00:49:24,045
"Never had to deal with this before."
800
00:49:24,045 --> 00:49:26,464
"I just know his mom's family tree
is a weeping willow."
801
00:49:29,509 --> 00:49:30,635
"I was sent along with him
802
00:49:30,635 --> 00:49:33,847
to let you know you can only give him
licorice or he will die."
803
00:49:34,639 --> 00:49:38,309
"Who's his little buddy?" "That's his
nephew and I don't want to talk about it."
804
00:49:50,447 --> 00:49:53,199
You know what's awesome
about this night to me?
805
00:49:53,950 --> 00:49:57,412
Is that, I bet you, there are people here
on the left of the political spectrum
806
00:49:57,412 --> 00:49:59,372
and, I bet you,
there are people on the right
807
00:49:59,372 --> 00:50:00,707
and no one's fist-fighting
808
00:50:00,707 --> 00:50:02,792
and we're all laughing
at the same stupid story.
809
00:50:04,169 --> 00:50:06,171
- I think that's great.
810
00:50:08,339 --> 00:50:10,425
Selfishly, I am very happy about that
811
00:50:10,425 --> 00:50:11,718
'cause five years ago I thought
812
00:50:11,718 --> 00:50:14,554
I was going to have to write
different acts for two different groups.
813
00:50:14,554 --> 00:50:16,723
I thought I was gonna have to go
to Planned Parenthood,
814
00:50:16,723 --> 00:50:18,683
and tell some jokes for the Dems,
815
00:50:18,683 --> 00:50:20,852
and then run across town to the VFW,
816
00:50:20,852 --> 00:50:23,480
and do some jokes for the Repubs.
I mean, I did.
817
00:50:24,814 --> 00:50:26,816
But here we are.
This is a lot better for me.
818
00:50:27,609 --> 00:50:29,611
There's still some buttfuckery
on the edges.
819
00:50:31,863 --> 00:50:34,449
I think there always will be.
That's how it works, right?
820
00:50:34,449 --> 00:50:37,327
Here's what I've said
since the beginning of my career,
821
00:50:37,327 --> 00:50:39,120
I'm on the left,
the line's right by my foot.
822
00:50:39,120 --> 00:50:40,121
That's where I stand.
823
00:50:40,121 --> 00:50:43,458
It seems like I'm going this way
because they're going that way.
824
00:50:43,458 --> 00:50:45,001
But I'm just standing here.
825
00:50:45,001 --> 00:50:47,087
And so sometimes I get yelled at
from my own team.
826
00:50:47,670 --> 00:50:49,380
One time I was like,
"Oh, that homeless guy."
827
00:50:49,380 --> 00:50:51,299
And somebody goes, "It's 'unhoused.'"
828
00:50:52,300 --> 00:50:54,302
I was like, "I don't think that's right."
829
00:50:55,804 --> 00:50:57,680
"Unhoused"? That sounds
like a word you'd make up
830
00:50:57,680 --> 00:50:59,766
because you can't
get something to rhyme in a poem.
831
00:51:06,272 --> 00:51:08,274
She goes,
"Wanna know why it's 'unhoused'?"
832
00:51:08,274 --> 00:51:09,651
I said, "I don't."
833
00:51:10,610 --> 00:51:12,612
Because it's gonna be
something else next week.
834
00:51:13,113 --> 00:51:15,615
The far left
update more than Apple products.
835
00:51:18,326 --> 00:51:21,538
Problem with the far right,
they haven't updated one time ever.
836
00:51:23,498 --> 00:51:26,292
That's why there's such a disconnect
on the two sides.
837
00:51:26,793 --> 00:51:28,545
I got people saying "unhoused" over here,
838
00:51:28,545 --> 00:51:30,255
and I have people over here going,
839
00:51:30,255 --> 00:51:31,631
"I can't call that person a boy
840
00:51:31,631 --> 00:51:33,925
because it says they're a girl
on their birth certificate,
841
00:51:33,925 --> 00:51:35,718
and I always go by the birth certificate.
842
00:51:35,718 --> 00:51:38,680
If it says girl on your birth certificate,
that's what I'm gonna call you."
843
00:51:38,680 --> 00:51:40,765
Like, "Whatever, Robert."
"Call me Bob."
844
00:51:48,481 --> 00:51:51,025
"Sorry, Robert, your rules."
845
00:51:53,903 --> 00:51:54,863
Sometimes they're like,
846
00:51:54,863 --> 00:51:56,865
"What do you think
about gay couples having kids?"
847
00:51:56,865 --> 00:51:57,782
"I don't."
848
00:51:59,951 --> 00:52:01,661
I'm not a gay couple or a kid.
849
00:52:02,579 --> 00:52:05,373
And no one has asked me to help.
I only help when I'm asked.
850
00:52:05,373 --> 00:52:07,458
Did you hear that, white ladies?
Say it with me.
851
00:52:09,544 --> 00:52:11,629
- Say it...
852
00:52:12,922 --> 00:52:16,134
I only help when I am asked.
853
00:52:24,350 --> 00:52:27,061
Sometimes people wanna know
about gay couples raising kids.
854
00:52:27,061 --> 00:52:29,480
They go, "What would happen
if two women raised a boy?"
855
00:52:29,480 --> 00:52:31,065
"What would that boy end up like?"
856
00:52:31,065 --> 00:52:32,692
"I don't know. He'd probably be
857
00:52:32,692 --> 00:52:35,361
great at planning surprise parties
and ruining them."
858
00:52:40,617 --> 00:52:43,411
"Just a little something
from each parent."
859
00:52:43,411 --> 00:52:44,871
"I don't know what to tell you."
860
00:52:46,414 --> 00:52:48,416
"What do you think about that guy
that became a girl
861
00:52:48,416 --> 00:52:50,460
to win those college swimming events?"
862
00:52:50,460 --> 00:52:52,337
"I will tell you what I think about that."
863
00:52:53,630 --> 00:52:55,298
"I didn't know
there was college swimming."
864
00:52:58,509 --> 00:52:59,344
I didn't.
865
00:53:00,845 --> 00:53:03,932
I thought you went from the YMCA
to the Olympics. That was it.
866
00:53:05,350 --> 00:53:06,726
So that person has done more for me
867
00:53:06,726 --> 00:53:08,978
and my knowledge of college swimming
than anyone.
868
00:53:13,399 --> 00:53:15,068
I hope they got that laugh.
869
00:53:17,195 --> 00:53:19,155
That sounds like
a goddamn boomerang coming around.
870
00:53:23,284 --> 00:53:25,286
I love it.
I'm not making fun of it. I love it.
871
00:53:29,874 --> 00:53:32,794
Now I'm gonna say something that
could get me kicked out of the country.
872
00:53:33,544 --> 00:53:36,547
I would like you to bear with me.
Both sides, hear me out.
873
00:53:37,340 --> 00:53:38,466
What if...
874
00:53:39,801 --> 00:53:40,843
What if...
875
00:53:41,719 --> 00:53:44,013
we all minded our own business?
876
00:53:50,812 --> 00:53:54,190
I know it seems simple
but it seems like we can't do it, right?
877
00:53:54,315 --> 00:53:56,567
I told you I'm on the left,
the line is right by my foot.
878
00:53:56,567 --> 00:53:59,988
I shot a gun two months ago
and I want to do it every single day now.
879
00:54:00,989 --> 00:54:04,200
I bet every single person in here
is against gun violence, of course.
880
00:54:04,200 --> 00:54:06,452
I don't need a gun that goes...
881
00:54:06,452 --> 00:54:08,204
Not that many. I don't need that.
882
00:54:08,871 --> 00:54:10,540
I want one that goes, "Bang!"
883
00:54:10,540 --> 00:54:13,126
Then you have to hurry
and fucking reload or you get shot.
884
00:54:13,126 --> 00:54:14,043
That's what I want.
885
00:54:14,544 --> 00:54:17,588
I want to get good at shooting
the one person I want to shoot.
886
00:54:20,466 --> 00:54:22,135
That doesn't seem that hard.
887
00:54:25,221 --> 00:54:28,391
I think if you want a gun, you should
be able to have one of those bang guns.
888
00:54:28,391 --> 00:54:30,643
I think you should have to follow
a couple of rules,
889
00:54:30,643 --> 00:54:32,645
but once you do,
everybody has to leave you alone.
890
00:54:32,645 --> 00:54:33,938
I think those rules should be,
891
00:54:33,938 --> 00:54:35,815
prove you're not gonna be
a psychopath with it.
892
00:54:35,815 --> 00:54:37,692
You're not gonna
wave it in anybody's face.
893
00:54:37,692 --> 00:54:39,402
Make sure
kids don't get their hands on it.
894
00:54:39,402 --> 00:54:40,778
Don't shoot anybody in the chest,
895
00:54:40,778 --> 00:54:43,031
unless it's Steve-O
and he asks you to or whatever.
896
00:54:46,826 --> 00:54:49,579
If you follow those rules,
everybody has to mind their own business.
897
00:54:49,579 --> 00:54:51,664
Same on the other side, right?
898
00:54:51,664 --> 00:54:53,416
If you were born a female
899
00:54:53,416 --> 00:54:55,668
and that's never made sense
with how you think,
900
00:54:55,668 --> 00:54:57,045
or how you feel emotionally,
901
00:54:57,045 --> 00:54:59,797
you should get to have
a penis on your body, if you want one.
902
00:54:59,797 --> 00:55:01,632
There should be rules
and if you follow them,
903
00:55:01,632 --> 00:55:03,051
everyone should have to shut up.
904
00:55:03,051 --> 00:55:04,093
Those rules should be,
905
00:55:04,093 --> 00:55:06,262
prove you're not gonna be
a psychopath with it.
906
00:55:06,763 --> 00:55:08,931
You're not gonna wave it
in anybody's face.
907
00:55:10,058 --> 00:55:12,310
Make sure
kids don't get their hands on it.
908
00:55:12,310 --> 00:55:13,686
Don't shoot anybody in the chest,
909
00:55:13,686 --> 00:55:16,147
unless it's Steve-O
and he asks you to or whatever.
910
00:55:27,200 --> 00:55:28,993
It's so easy if we let it be.
911
00:55:32,580 --> 00:55:34,665
I'll tell you one more story.
I was in Sacramento...
912
00:55:34,665 --> 00:55:37,543
This is another one
where I don't know how to do transitions.
913
00:55:41,923 --> 00:55:43,508
I was in Sacramento and it was flooding,
914
00:55:43,508 --> 00:55:46,469
so I couldn't go anywhere for four days
and I was in a hotel room.
915
00:55:46,469 --> 00:55:47,887
On the last day I was there,
916
00:55:47,887 --> 00:55:50,223
I started watching
the Minnesota Vikings play the Giants.
917
00:55:50,223 --> 00:55:51,432
I was watching that game,
918
00:55:51,974 --> 00:55:54,227
and then there was a knock at my door.
919
00:55:54,227 --> 00:55:56,396
And I hadn't seen anyone for four days.
920
00:55:56,396 --> 00:55:57,688
I was very lonely.
921
00:55:57,688 --> 00:56:00,108
So normally when someone knocks
on my hotel room door,
922
00:56:00,108 --> 00:56:02,193
I Mission Impossible-shimmy
923
00:56:03,027 --> 00:56:04,904
and listen to figure out who's out there.
924
00:56:04,904 --> 00:56:07,865
Not this time. I was like,
"It's company. Hey!"
925
00:56:08,366 --> 00:56:11,411
It was two armed security guards,
with their hands already on their guns.
926
00:56:11,411 --> 00:56:12,703
They were positioned like this,
927
00:56:12,703 --> 00:56:14,831
and their flippy thing
was already flipped up.
928
00:56:14,831 --> 00:56:16,666
So all they had to do is that
with their gun.
929
00:56:16,666 --> 00:56:19,544
Now I was holding the door like this,
you couldn't see my hand.
930
00:56:19,544 --> 00:56:21,254
That's how you open a hotel room door.
931
00:56:21,254 --> 00:56:24,757
They kept looking at my hand weird,
so I go, "Mm-mm. What's happening?"
932
00:56:25,925 --> 00:56:27,093
He goes, "Let go of the door."
933
00:56:27,093 --> 00:56:29,762
I said, "I can't. It'll shut
and bullets go through doors."
934
00:56:31,931 --> 00:56:33,266
He goes, "Better figure it out."
935
00:56:33,266 --> 00:56:36,060
I said, "Can I move my hand?"
And the guy goes, "Go for it."
936
00:56:36,060 --> 00:56:38,521
- Well, no.
937
00:56:38,521 --> 00:56:40,606
I'm not playing that game, High Noon.
938
00:56:41,399 --> 00:56:45,319
So I put my foot down to block the door
and I magician'd my hand out like this.
939
00:56:46,195 --> 00:56:48,573
Just trying to get 'em to smile.
I even made all the noises.
940
00:56:48,573 --> 00:56:50,783
I was like, "Uh-ba-bam!"
941
00:56:51,534 --> 00:56:53,744
He goes, "What are you doing?"
I go, "What are you doing?"
942
00:56:54,620 --> 00:56:56,664
He goes, "We have
a domestic disturbance complaint
943
00:56:56,664 --> 00:56:57,582
about this room."
944
00:56:57,582 --> 00:56:59,333
And I go, "Mm-mm. Not this one."
945
00:57:00,042 --> 00:57:01,752
"I've been here all by myself
for four days."
946
00:57:01,752 --> 00:57:04,547
"Don't believe me? Come in here
and try to bend this sock."
947
00:57:09,135 --> 00:57:10,178
Right? I mean...
948
00:57:12,847 --> 00:57:15,475
I'm just trying to get 'em to smile.
They have guns.
949
00:57:16,809 --> 00:57:18,478
And so they don't even smirk,
950
00:57:19,520 --> 00:57:21,814
they go, "We have to come in,
make sure no one is in there."
951
00:57:21,814 --> 00:57:23,024
I'm like, "Yeah, go for it."
952
00:57:23,024 --> 00:57:24,650
I get out of the way.
One guy passes me.
953
00:57:24,650 --> 00:57:26,444
The other guy comes
like he's gonna pass me,
954
00:57:26,444 --> 00:57:27,695
and he stops right by me.
955
00:57:27,695 --> 00:57:30,823
He looks at me and goes,
"And we're not touching the sock."
956
00:57:33,451 --> 00:57:36,579
I'm like, "Yeah, man. There's no sock.
Relax, that was a joke."
957
00:57:37,997 --> 00:57:39,040
So we get in there,
958
00:57:40,333 --> 00:57:41,667
and he goes, "Open the closet."
959
00:57:41,667 --> 00:57:43,836
I open it and the guy goes,
"Do it slower."
960
00:57:46,255 --> 00:57:48,508
What kind of dirty tape are we making?
961
00:57:49,884 --> 00:57:51,385
Why would he want me to do it slower
962
00:57:51,385 --> 00:57:55,097
and then I thought, "Do they really think
I'm a magician because of this shit?"
963
00:57:55,973 --> 00:57:57,558
They think there was someone in there,
964
00:57:57,558 --> 00:57:59,644
I'm like, "Yeah, but not anymore!"
965
00:58:08,903 --> 00:58:09,862
Ridiculous.
966
00:58:12,406 --> 00:58:15,284
They go, "We gotta go in the bathroom."
I go, "Let's go. Nobody's in here."
967
00:58:15,284 --> 00:58:16,744
They go, "Open the shower curtain."
968
00:58:16,744 --> 00:58:19,664
I start to slide it but I go,
"How slow you want me to open this one?"
969
00:58:21,082 --> 00:58:25,461
"Oh-ho, you like that, daddies?"
970
00:58:28,548 --> 00:58:31,759
He goes, "Knock it off."
I go, "You knock it off. You have guns."
971
00:58:31,759 --> 00:58:33,719
I go, "You gotta tell me what's going on."
972
00:58:33,719 --> 00:58:36,430
He goes, "We have a witness in the hallway
that heard something."
973
00:58:36,430 --> 00:58:38,975
I go, "I have an idea.
How about we go talk to them?"
974
00:58:40,434 --> 00:58:43,479
So we go out in the hallway
and there is a woman standing there.
975
00:58:43,479 --> 00:58:46,649
She says, "I was walking by this room,
and I'm positive it was this room,
976
00:58:47,149 --> 00:58:50,611
and I heard a man yell,
'Get on the ground, bitch.'"
977
00:58:54,198 --> 00:58:59,412
I was like, "I'm lonely, but that is not
something that I would ever-- Oh, no."
978
00:59:02,456 --> 00:59:04,542
I go, "Is it possible
you heard a man yell,
979
00:59:04,542 --> 00:59:06,877
'Get him on the ground, you big bitch!'
980
00:59:06,877 --> 00:59:09,755
because I did yell that
at a Minnesota Viking defensive lineman."
981
00:59:13,259 --> 00:59:15,094
-"I did."
982
00:59:17,513 --> 00:59:20,558
"I have the under
and they are running all over us today."
983
00:59:23,019 --> 00:59:25,396
She goes, "Oh, my God, that was it!"
984
00:59:27,064 --> 00:59:30,234
I go, "Oh, my God.
You invited people with guns."
985
00:59:33,070 --> 00:59:34,989
I go, "Can I go in my room?"
They go, "Go ahead."
986
00:59:34,989 --> 00:59:37,199
So I shut the door
and I locked the deadbolt,
987
00:59:37,199 --> 00:59:38,993
but I snapped the deadbolt
as hard as I could
988
00:59:38,993 --> 00:59:40,620
and it echoed in the hallway.
989
00:59:40,620 --> 00:59:43,664
And as soon as it got quiet,
I yelled, "Stay under the bed!"
990
00:59:50,546 --> 00:59:52,173
You guys were absolutely incredible!
991
00:59:53,799 --> 00:59:56,552
Oh, my God, thank you so much.
992
00:59:57,053 --> 01:00:01,098
Thank you. Jesus Christ.
Thank you, guys. This is unbelievable.