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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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[rock music playing]

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[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,
Chad Daniels!

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[audience cheering]

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[inaudible]

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Well, hello!

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-This is crazy.
-[audience cheering]

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Hi. Thank you.

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Okay.

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Thank you.

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Thank you. Thank you, that's very nice.

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You keep clapping,
I'm gonna bust through my nipple tape.

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[audience laughing]

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[chuckles] That was wild.
This is fucking crazy, man.

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I've lived in Minnesota my whole life
and now we're at the capital,

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and I'm filming this goldarn thing.

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-[audience cheering]
-So it's a pretty good deal.

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I've lived here my whole life
and I've noticed

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that Minnesota and New York
are the only two places

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where you can tell someone
you're from there,

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and someone will say your accent
back to you right away.

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[audience laughing]

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You go, "Hi, I'm from Minnesota."

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[mimics accent] "Oh! Minnesota!"

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"Brr, brr."

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Or "I'm from New York."

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[mimics accent] "Hey, New York!
I'm walking here!"

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You don't get that other places.
Like, "Hi, I'm from Cleveland."

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"Oh, I'm from Cleveland.
I see my kids every other weekend."

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[audience laughing]

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Nobody's like, "I'm from Kentucky."

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"Y'all, I'm from Kentucky."

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"I only quote the Bible
when it fits what I'm talking about."

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[audience laughing]

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I was in New York one time

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and I was trying to cross a crosswalk
and I couldn't

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'cause there were people in front of me
and puddles on both sides of me.

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I go to one of the guys and I go,
"Can we cross the street?"

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He goes, "Can't. There's an orange hand
that says we can't cross."

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I said, "That's a suggestion.
We're adults. So let's figure it out."

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And then from behind me, a woman goes…
[hoarsely] "Fucking go."

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-[audience laughing]
-Like that.

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I thought Batman was behind me.
That's no kidding.

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So without even looking, I go,
"You're the captain of our team."

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[audience laughing]

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I go, "You gotta come up here."

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I heard shuffling,
so I turned around and I looked,

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and she was on crutches.

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Yeah. But she wasn't on underarm crutches.

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She was on, like, the grippies
with the Wonder Woman bracelets.

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[audience laughing]

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She was on those. Like, forever crutches.

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[audience laughing]

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You know? She didn't sprain an ankle,
her mom drank when she was pregnant.

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[audience exclaiming and laughing]

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Okay. I've got some shaking heads
and some shaking shoulders.

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-Whatever, I don't care.
-[audience laughing]

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I'll take either one.

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We finally get to the front,
it's her and I.

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I go, "What do you think, Captain?"

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She goes, "Assess the situation."

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All right. So we got
a one-way street going this way.

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There’s a car coming
but it's three blocks away that way.

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She goes, "Do you think we can make it?"

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And I said, "I think
you and I have different answers."

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[audience laughing]

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Then she smiled at me, turned sideways,

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and took off like a hermit crab
across the street.

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[audience laughing]

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It is the fastest I've ever seen
a human being move in my life.

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Like MC Hammer times 10,000.

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Just dig-a-dig-a-dig-a
all the way across the thing.

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The only way it could've been better

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is if she had ducked into a hole
at the end of it.

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[audience laughing]

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"God damn, crab lady."

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"You just made somebody's Wednesday."

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I don't know if I necessarily want
to talk about this next thing,

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but I feel like I need to.

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I saw a grown man
kiss his own sister on the lips.

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[audience laughing]

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It's true. At a restaurant.
It was with my children.

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By the way, I've never kissed them
on the lips, I don't think.

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Maybe when they were babies.
It wasn't to kiss them,

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it was more to steal their essence.

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[audience laughing]

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You ever feel old around a kid
and you're like, "Fucking breathe on me!"?

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[audience laughing]

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So we're eating, and a man walks in,

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and he goes, "Sister!"

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And then from across the restaurant,
a woman stands up and goes, "Brother!"

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Then they started
walking towards each other,

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with what now I can confirm was passion.

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[audience laughing]

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Then they kissed on the lips.

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And my kids and I pushed our meals
to the middle of the table.

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Because they were raised correctly
and we don't eat till we figure shit out.

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[audience laughing]

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There is a mystery in this restaurant,

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and we must solve it.

102
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I said to my kids,
"What do you think is going on?"

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My son goes, "I don't know what's going on

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but I do know you don't start
kissing your sister when you're an adult."

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[audience laughing]

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I'm like, "All right. We got some traction
to solve this thing. Let's go."

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I asked my daughter, "What would you do
if your brother kissed you?"

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She said, "I'd kill him."

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[audience laughing]

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Son said, "Wouldn't have to. Kill myself."

111
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[audience laughing loudly]

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I wanna be clear
that I know suicide is not funny

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but I was beaming with pride as a father.

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[audience laughing]

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And a little confused

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that there's Japanese blood
in my family lineage.

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[audience laughing]

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That's an honorable people.

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If Japanese people mess up, they fix it.

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[audience exclaiming and laughing]

121
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It's true. You ever see a Japanese guy
kiss his own sister on the lips,

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next move
is walking right into that forest.

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[audience exclaiming and laughing]

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May I ask you a question? Yeah.

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-Do you have a brother?
-[woman 1] No.

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-You don't. Do you?
-[woman 2] Yeah.

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What would you do
if he kissed you on the lips?

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-That's way too long. That's way too long.
-[audience laughing]

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[laughing] Oh, my God.
What are you thinking about?

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You're like, "I guess I don't know."

131
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I'm teasing.
What do you think you'd do though?

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[woman 2] I don't know.

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You wouldn't do anything?
You'd let him kiss you?

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[audience laughing]

135
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The answer you're looking for,
the word, is murder.

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[audience laughing]

137
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I just tried to help you
with my daughter's answer.

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Wouldn't do anything.

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-You have a brother?
-[woman 3] I do.

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What would you do
if he kissed you on the lips?

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We have different moms, so…

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You have different moms, so…?

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[audience shrieks with laughter]

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If you didn't hear, she said,
"We have different moms, so…"

145
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And I'd like to guess the next word.
Is it "fuck"?

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[audience laughing]

147
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See? That could have been you.

148
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Got to come to these things ready.

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Well, it's just so strange to me,
'cause I have a sister,

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and she's one of my favorite people
on Earth,

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and I've never even kissed her
on the cheek.

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And I love her to death.
I should have, probably.

153
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She's been through some tough shit.

154
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My sister was hooked on meth for 10 years,

155
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and not one day did I think,

156
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"Maybe a kiss on the cheek
from her brother will help."

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[audience laughing]

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She'd come home
and be like, "I'm freaking out."

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And I'd be like, hand on shoulder,

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full extension, elbow lock,

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ass out,

162
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and then be like, "Don't do meth."

163
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[audience laughing]

164
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And then I just back away full extension.

165
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Never did she come home shaking
and her jaw moving all over,

166
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and I was like,
"Come here. This will help."

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-[audience laughing]
-That's insane.

168
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Everyone can relax. That ends
the question portion for the front row.

169
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I want to be clear. I don't want
you guys like, "What's next?"

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I was on an escalator one time
and I was going down the escalator,

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there was an up escalator next to it.

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So those people were coming towards me.

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I saw a dad and this little kid
on the escalator.

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Little boy was about five years old.

175
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And I heard him go, "Daddy,
how do they make escalators?"

176
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And the dad said,

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"At a factory."

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And that was it.

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[audience laughing]

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When they got next to me,
I looked at the dad,

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and go, "Thank you, professor."

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[audience laughing]

183
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What a lazy-ass answer that is.

184
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Your son asked you for information
and you gave him zero.

185
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That's like one step away from
not really understanding science,

186
00:09:07,797 --> 00:09:10,132
so you just always go, "God made it."

187
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[audience exclaiming and laughing]

188
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[audience cheering]

189
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That's a lazy-ass answer.

190
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"Why is the sky blue?"
"It's the Lord's favorite color."

191
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"Think about it, the sky is blue.
Water is blue."

192
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"White people when they freeze are blue."

193
00:09:28,776 --> 00:09:30,695
[audience laughing]

194
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"Mama, what's lightning?"

195
00:09:35,199 --> 00:09:38,119
"Well, that's the paparazzi
trying to take a picture of Jesus."

196
00:09:38,202 --> 00:09:40,204
[audience laughing]

197
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They're never gonna get--

198
00:09:42,206 --> 00:09:45,126
"Do you hear the thunder? He's bowling
with them angels right now."

199
00:09:46,043 --> 00:09:48,879
Those are lazy answers.
And you're not helping anyone.

200
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Your kids are gonna go to school,
full Waterboy.

201
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"Well, my mama said…" [speaking gibberish]

202
00:09:53,801 --> 00:09:55,553
-[audience laughing]
-That's crazy.

203
00:10:00,558 --> 00:10:03,227
No, I don't have the right to tell you
not to use God in your answers.

204
00:10:03,311 --> 00:10:05,271
Of course, I don't know
what's going on either.

205
00:10:05,354 --> 00:10:07,189
I would say, if you do it,
just do it correctly.

206
00:10:07,273 --> 00:10:08,983
That's all anyone's asking. Right?

207
00:10:09,650 --> 00:10:10,985
"Why is the sky blue?"

208
00:10:11,068 --> 00:10:13,946
"Because God said, 'Let there be light.'
And there was."

209
00:10:14,030 --> 00:10:16,699
"And then that light finally
reached the Earth's atmosphere,

210
00:10:16,782 --> 00:10:19,035
it started bouncing off
gases and particles."

211
00:10:19,118 --> 00:10:19,952
[audience laughing]

212
00:10:20,036 --> 00:10:21,120
"And the light scattered."

213
00:10:21,203 --> 00:10:22,705
"And the blue waves were the smallest,

214
00:10:22,788 --> 00:10:25,666
so they went the furthest and the fastest
and they covered everything."

215
00:10:25,750 --> 00:10:27,293
"And that's why the sky is blue."

216
00:10:27,376 --> 00:10:30,880
"And maybe it's the Lord's favorite color,
but for sure that first part."

217
00:10:30,963 --> 00:10:32,965
[audience laughing]

218
00:10:37,094 --> 00:10:38,346
[audience cheering]

219
00:10:39,388 --> 00:10:41,682
It just… It seems so easy really,
when you think about it.

220
00:10:45,645 --> 00:10:47,605
I am not religious.

221
00:10:49,231 --> 00:10:51,567
[audience cheering]

222
00:10:51,651 --> 00:10:54,236
I think that kinda bums my mom out
because she is.

223
00:10:54,820 --> 00:10:56,447
She says, "How come you're not religious?"

224
00:10:56,530 --> 00:10:58,824
I go, "I think
it's 'cause of religion, probably."

225
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[chuckles] I don't know
if you've heard about it.

226
00:11:03,079 --> 00:11:04,288
Please don't judge me for that.

227
00:11:04,372 --> 00:11:06,791
I don't judge you for anything
you believe or don't believe.

228
00:11:06,874 --> 00:11:08,501
I just can't-- I don't have it in me.

229
00:11:08,584 --> 00:11:11,545
I don't have that thing that you have.

230
00:11:11,629 --> 00:11:13,673
And if you're a believer, I'm…
I'm jealous.

231
00:11:13,756 --> 00:11:14,799
I wish I had that

232
00:11:14,882 --> 00:11:17,677
because if you're wrong,
you're never gonna know.

233
00:11:18,260 --> 00:11:20,262
[audience laughing]

234
00:11:26,268 --> 00:11:27,687
♪ Going to heaven
Going to heaven ♪

235
00:11:27,770 --> 00:11:29,146
♪ Going to heaven
Going to heaven ♪

236
00:11:29,230 --> 00:11:30,064
Dark.

237
00:11:30,147 --> 00:11:31,399
[audience laughing]

238
00:11:34,026 --> 00:11:36,445
That's a pretty good exit strategy, man.

239
00:11:38,656 --> 00:11:40,366
'Cause if I'm wrong, from what I've read…

240
00:11:40,449 --> 00:11:41,909
[laughs] …it's gonna be hot.

241
00:11:41,992 --> 00:11:43,994
[audience laughing]

242
00:11:44,662 --> 00:11:45,913
Gonna want to do some crunches,

243
00:11:45,996 --> 00:11:47,915
'cause I'm headed to
forever bikini season.

244
00:11:52,044 --> 00:11:54,630
I'm not going to, of course,
make fun of all religions here tonight,

245
00:11:54,714 --> 00:11:56,424
but I would like to quickly, if I could,

246
00:11:56,507 --> 00:11:59,009
talk to you about Catholicism
for about 35 minutes.

247
00:11:59,093 --> 00:12:00,594
[audience laughing]

248
00:12:04,098 --> 00:12:06,726
You can see some people go,
"Ha-ha-- Argh!"

249
00:12:06,809 --> 00:12:07,977
[audience laughing]

250
00:12:08,060 --> 00:12:09,437
That's okay. I understand it.

251
00:12:09,520 --> 00:12:12,606
First of all, let me start by saying,
when I was younger,

252
00:12:13,274 --> 00:12:15,985
I thought the biggest group of people
on Earth were Asians.

253
00:12:16,068 --> 00:12:16,944
That's what I thought.

254
00:12:17,027 --> 00:12:19,280
'Cause in sixth grade,
we had to fill out this map, right?

255
00:12:19,363 --> 00:12:21,657
And we had to fill in the populations
of all the countries.

256
00:12:21,741 --> 00:12:24,326
Then you add up all the populations
for all the Asian countries,

257
00:12:24,410 --> 00:12:26,328
you're like,
"Holy shit, that's a lot of people."

258
00:12:26,412 --> 00:12:28,247
And your teacher would go,
"Don't forget India."

259
00:12:28,330 --> 00:12:29,915
And you're like, "What the fuck?"

260
00:12:29,999 --> 00:12:31,250
[audience laughing]

261
00:12:31,333 --> 00:12:33,794
"India's in Asia? Shut up!"

262
00:12:33,878 --> 00:12:36,338
So you add that and you're like,
"That's a big group of people."

263
00:12:36,422 --> 00:12:37,381
Now that I'm an adult,

264
00:12:37,465 --> 00:12:40,217
I know that Asians are not
the biggest group of people on Earth.

265
00:12:40,301 --> 00:12:42,762
I know the biggest group
of people on Earth are people that go,

266
00:12:42,845 --> 00:12:45,222
"Well, I grew up Catholic
but I'm not anymore."

267
00:12:45,306 --> 00:12:47,308
[audience laughing]

268
00:12:51,479 --> 00:12:53,230
Those people are everywhere.

269
00:12:53,898 --> 00:12:57,485
If you meet one, there's two behind him
and there's four behind them.

270
00:12:57,568 --> 00:13:00,237
It's like the AIDS chart
from health class.

271
00:13:00,321 --> 00:13:02,823
[audience laughing]

272
00:13:03,449 --> 00:13:04,658
It just keeps going.

273
00:13:08,370 --> 00:13:10,414
Let me say that I know
there are good Catholic people.

274
00:13:10,498 --> 00:13:12,917
One of my best friends is Catholic,
so I talk to him sometimes.

275
00:13:13,000 --> 00:13:15,252
I go, "Whey do you cheer
for such a dumb team?"

276
00:13:15,336 --> 00:13:17,046
[audience laughing]

277
00:13:19,089 --> 00:13:20,966
And he doesn't have an answer and so…

278
00:13:21,467 --> 00:13:24,345
If you meet someone that says,
"I grew up Catholic. I'm not anymore."

279
00:13:24,428 --> 00:13:26,305
You go, "How come?" They go… [scoffs]

280
00:13:26,388 --> 00:13:28,140
-[audience laughing]
-Right? Not even words.

281
00:13:28,224 --> 00:13:31,060
It's just guttural responses.
[scoffs, groans]

282
00:13:31,685 --> 00:13:32,812
That kind of shit.

283
00:13:32,895 --> 00:13:35,147
But I asked my buddy,
"Maybe we should write some letters."

284
00:13:35,231 --> 00:13:37,775
He goes, "I'm not gonna write
to the Church and put my name on it."

285
00:13:37,858 --> 00:13:39,235
I'm like, "I'm not asking you to."

286
00:13:39,318 --> 00:13:42,321
"I'm saying let me write a letter
and put your name on it."

287
00:13:42,404 --> 00:13:43,656
[audience laughing]

288
00:13:44,406 --> 00:13:45,950
Doesn't have to be anything fancy.

289
00:13:46,033 --> 00:13:48,244
Just let me start it off…
Something like, uh…

290
00:13:48,953 --> 00:13:50,621
"We're sick of coming to this church,

291
00:13:50,704 --> 00:13:53,332
because the leaders of it
are coming at this church."

292
00:13:53,415 --> 00:13:55,167
[audience exclaiming and laughing]

293
00:14:04,260 --> 00:14:05,845
What's the argument from Catholic people?

294
00:14:05,928 --> 00:14:08,931
They go, "You know the Catholic Church
does good things too, right?"

295
00:14:09,014 --> 00:14:09,849
"I understand that,

296
00:14:09,932 --> 00:14:12,685
but none of them outweigh kid-touching,
so, next."

297
00:14:12,768 --> 00:14:14,562
[audience laughing]

298
00:14:14,645 --> 00:14:16,188
That is a silly argument.

299
00:14:16,272 --> 00:14:18,274
[audience cheering]

300
00:14:21,902 --> 00:14:24,738
"You know, Ethel made $240
at the bake sale."

301
00:14:24,822 --> 00:14:27,867
"I understand that, but Justin can't sleep
without the lights on."

302
00:14:27,950 --> 00:14:29,702
[audience exclaiming]

303
00:14:30,953 --> 00:14:33,956
"So… what do we do?"

304
00:14:34,748 --> 00:14:36,750
"The suggestion box isn't working."

305
00:14:37,877 --> 00:14:42,006
"I'm assuming the children have tried,
'Please stop it. I don't like this.'"

306
00:14:45,426 --> 00:14:47,428
[audience laughing]

307
00:14:48,929 --> 00:14:50,639
"And we can't burn the churches down

308
00:14:50,723 --> 00:14:52,850
because they made them
with big rocks and brick."

309
00:14:53,559 --> 00:14:56,896
I mean, they third-little-pig'd
the shit out of us over there.

310
00:14:56,979 --> 00:14:58,981
[audience laughing]

311
00:15:02,693 --> 00:15:05,404
I went to a Catholic church
because I wanted to check it out.

312
00:15:05,487 --> 00:15:07,907
I don't like making fun of stuff
unless I know what's going on.

313
00:15:07,990 --> 00:15:10,993
So I went to a Catholic church
and there's old men everywhere.

314
00:15:11,118 --> 00:15:12,661
Very old. The oldest of men.

315
00:15:13,370 --> 00:15:15,789
Where you go, "Did you know Jesus?
'Cause you're old."

316
00:15:16,290 --> 00:15:20,461
And they have Ichabod Crane bodies
and one-piece Charles Dickens' pajamas.

317
00:15:21,754 --> 00:15:24,173
And they have KKK hats
that don't go all the way down.

318
00:15:24,256 --> 00:15:25,382
They sit right on top.

319
00:15:26,300 --> 00:15:29,094
And there's a baby rattle
that appears to be on fire

320
00:15:30,137 --> 00:15:32,514
and they're swinging that around
and shaking it.

321
00:15:33,307 --> 00:15:36,560
If you were on mushrooms,
you'd be like, "Okay. All right."

322
00:15:38,062 --> 00:15:39,939
But you're not on mushrooms.
You're at church.

323
00:15:40,022 --> 00:15:41,815
So you start freaking out a little.

324
00:15:42,316 --> 00:15:43,984
And that's when the music starts.

325
00:15:44,652 --> 00:15:46,528
And that's when I go full panic.

326
00:15:46,612 --> 00:15:48,781
Because, to me,

327
00:15:48,864 --> 00:15:52,117
Catholic music sounds like it was written
with nutsacks in mouths.

328
00:15:52,201 --> 00:15:54,203
[audience laughing]

329
00:16:02,294 --> 00:16:05,214
[mimics Gregorian chant]

330
00:16:05,297 --> 00:16:07,299
[audience laughing]

331
00:16:15,599 --> 00:16:17,142
Why did my lips not touch?

332
00:16:17,226 --> 00:16:19,228
[audience laughing]

333
00:16:22,773 --> 00:16:26,235
There were supposed to be lyrics,
but you can't talk around a ballbag.

334
00:16:26,318 --> 00:16:27,528
[audience laughing]

335
00:16:27,611 --> 00:16:31,198
That's Gregorian gargling.
What is happening at the church?

336
00:16:31,281 --> 00:16:33,659
Get out of the bubble mobile
and help us, Pope!

337
00:16:38,247 --> 00:16:39,748
I'm glad most of you are having fun.

338
00:16:39,832 --> 00:16:41,959
I'm getting some looks of concern
for my soul.

339
00:16:42,042 --> 00:16:43,252
[audience laughing]

340
00:16:43,335 --> 00:16:45,838
I do understand that
and I appreciate it, actually.

341
00:16:46,505 --> 00:16:48,632
But I've been making fun
of the Catholic Church on stage

342
00:16:48,716 --> 00:16:50,134
for 22 years and look…

343
00:16:50,718 --> 00:16:52,720
[audience laughing]

344
00:16:53,595 --> 00:16:54,430
I'm fine.

345
00:16:54,513 --> 00:16:57,016
Sometimes I golf in the rain
and I'll hold up a club and be like,

346
00:16:57,099 --> 00:16:58,017
"Hit me, bitch!"

347
00:16:58,100 --> 00:16:59,685
[audience laughing]

348
00:17:00,644 --> 00:17:03,105
Mostly 'cause I'm not good at golf,
but you get it.

349
00:17:03,188 --> 00:17:04,606
[audience laughing]

350
00:17:06,483 --> 00:17:09,194
I think here's what bothers me the most
about the Church,

351
00:17:09,278 --> 00:17:11,613
is that it's leaking into
other parts of our lives.

352
00:17:12,156 --> 00:17:14,116
I was at the airport one time
and I went to a Su--

353
00:17:14,199 --> 00:17:18,412
I went to a Starbucks to get some coffee.
Let me try that again.

354
00:17:18,495 --> 00:17:19,830
Jesus. Right?

355
00:17:19,913 --> 00:17:22,541
I almost said Subway.
I'm like, "God, I must be hungry."

356
00:17:22,624 --> 00:17:24,251
[audience laughing]

357
00:17:24,334 --> 00:17:27,504
Go to a Subway at an airport,
fucking best of luck with your asshole.

358
00:17:27,588 --> 00:17:29,506
[audience laughing]

359
00:17:29,590 --> 00:17:31,008
[laughing] Right? I mean…

360
00:17:33,510 --> 00:17:35,512
"I was at the airport
and I went to a Subway

361
00:17:35,596 --> 00:17:37,931
and then I cancelled
all my fucking travel plans."

362
00:17:38,015 --> 00:17:39,308
[audience laughing]

363
00:17:39,391 --> 00:17:41,727
"Because I will not shit
above 10,000 feet."

364
00:17:41,810 --> 00:17:43,812
[audience laughing]

365
00:17:48,150 --> 00:17:50,402
Well, shit, maybe that should be the joke.
I don't know.

366
00:17:50,486 --> 00:17:52,279
[audience laughing]

367
00:17:54,448 --> 00:17:56,742
"How was the show?"
"He looked confused but funny."

368
00:17:56,825 --> 00:17:58,827
-"It was weird."
-[audience laughing]

369
00:18:03,457 --> 00:18:06,627
The thing that bugs me is the Church
is moving into other parts of our lives.

370
00:18:06,710 --> 00:18:10,214
I was at an airport one time
and I went to a Starbucks to get a coffee.

371
00:18:10,297 --> 00:18:12,800
When I ordered the coffee,
the guy grabbed the cup off the stack,

372
00:18:12,883 --> 00:18:14,343
and he was writing my name on the cup

373
00:18:14,426 --> 00:18:17,471
but he was holding my cup
with his finger inside my cup.

374
00:18:18,263 --> 00:18:19,932
-[person groans]
-Thank you.

375
00:18:20,015 --> 00:18:21,433
[audience laughing]

376
00:18:21,517 --> 00:18:24,144
And I said, "Yo, man,
can you get your finger out of my cup?"

377
00:18:24,228 --> 00:18:25,854
He took it out
and goes, "Wasn't in there."

378
00:18:25,938 --> 00:18:28,482
I go, "Yeah, it was and that's okay,
I just want a new cup."

379
00:18:28,565 --> 00:18:29,858
He goes, "No, it wasn't!"

380
00:18:30,400 --> 00:18:32,277
And the lady behind me goes,
"I also saw it."

381
00:18:32,361 --> 00:18:33,904
And I said, "Uh-oh."

382
00:18:33,987 --> 00:18:35,989
[audience laughing]

383
00:18:36,865 --> 00:18:39,451
Then he swore at both of us
and he got fired on the spot

384
00:18:39,535 --> 00:18:41,411
and physically removed
from behind the counter

385
00:18:42,329 --> 00:18:43,747
by the manager of Starbucks.

386
00:18:44,915 --> 00:18:48,710
And I was just standing there like this,
"Ah, I don't know what's going on."

387
00:18:48,794 --> 00:18:51,004
The manager came back and goes,
"Still want your coffee?"

388
00:18:51,088 --> 00:18:52,798
I go, "Oh, I'm wide awake."

389
00:18:52,881 --> 00:18:54,508
[audience laughing]

390
00:18:56,260 --> 00:18:59,304
"I don't need any caffeine.
I'm vibrating on the inside right now."

391
00:19:01,265 --> 00:19:02,975
I go back to that Starbucks
every time I can

392
00:19:03,058 --> 00:19:05,269
because I like
how the manager handled this business.

393
00:19:07,146 --> 00:19:09,940
I've gone back several times,
and that guy's never been working there.

394
00:19:10,023 --> 00:19:12,442
Then one time, I had a flight
on the other side of the airport,

395
00:19:12,526 --> 00:19:13,986
so I went to that Starbucks,

396
00:19:14,069 --> 00:19:15,571
and the guy was working there.

397
00:19:15,654 --> 00:19:17,614
[audience exclaims softly]

398
00:19:17,698 --> 00:19:19,199
Just like the Catholic Church.

399
00:19:19,783 --> 00:19:21,785
[audience laughing and cheering]

400
00:19:31,837 --> 00:19:32,754
[chuckles]

401
00:19:33,922 --> 00:19:35,174
I think I'm a good dad.

402
00:19:36,133 --> 00:19:38,177
[audience whooping]

403
00:19:38,260 --> 00:19:40,596
I do not think I'm great
at comedy transitions.

404
00:19:40,679 --> 00:19:42,848
[audience laughing]

405
00:19:42,931 --> 00:19:44,266
But I do, I think I'm a good dad.

406
00:19:44,349 --> 00:19:47,561
I think you only have to be better
than your dad, to be a good dad.

407
00:19:47,644 --> 00:19:50,397
And that is a rule I made up
to make myself feel better.

408
00:19:50,480 --> 00:19:51,982
[audience chuckling]

409
00:19:52,065 --> 00:19:54,026
Do any men in here
have a bad dad growing up?

410
00:19:54,109 --> 00:19:55,527
-[scattered whoops]
-Okay.

411
00:19:55,611 --> 00:19:57,821
Twins cap, how come your dad was bad?

412
00:19:57,905 --> 00:20:00,157
-[man responds indistinctly]
-Had nothing to do with you?

413
00:20:00,240 --> 00:20:01,408
-You have kids?
-[man] Yeah.

414
00:20:01,491 --> 00:20:03,452
-Do you have anything to do with them?
-[man] Yes.

415
00:20:03,535 --> 00:20:06,205
You're a fucking better dad, easy.
Good for you. Good dad alert.

416
00:20:06,288 --> 00:20:07,456
[audience cheering]

417
00:20:07,539 --> 00:20:08,624
Good dad alert.

418
00:20:11,960 --> 00:20:14,129
My dad stole my identity
and ruined my credit

419
00:20:14,213 --> 00:20:15,547
before I was out of high school.

420
00:20:15,631 --> 00:20:17,841
-That's what mine did.
-[audience exclaiming]

421
00:20:20,177 --> 00:20:21,720
All I had to do to be better than him

422
00:20:21,803 --> 00:20:24,056
was not learn
my son's social security number.

423
00:20:24,139 --> 00:20:25,849
[audience laughing]

424
00:20:25,933 --> 00:20:28,518
And hate to brag, but I did it.

425
00:20:28,602 --> 00:20:30,354
[audience laughing]

426
00:20:30,437 --> 00:20:32,022
Took some shit.
I brought him to camp once

427
00:20:32,105 --> 00:20:35,150
and this woman was like, "You don't know
your son's social security number?"

428
00:20:35,234 --> 00:20:37,152
And I was like, "I'm a great father."

429
00:20:37,236 --> 00:20:39,238
[audience laughing]

430
00:20:41,240 --> 00:20:44,284
I didn't know he'd stolen my identity
and ruined my credit until…

431
00:20:44,368 --> 00:20:47,704
I went to get my first car loan
and the man just laughed in my face.

432
00:20:48,330 --> 00:20:49,998
And he goes, "I can't give you money."

433
00:20:50,082 --> 00:20:54,836
"You owe a woman named Karen Ward
$15,000 in child support."

434
00:20:55,796 --> 00:20:58,674
And I was like, "Well, that’s crazy
'cause that's my mom."

435
00:20:58,757 --> 00:21:00,634
[audience laughing and exclaiming]

436
00:21:07,724 --> 00:21:10,852
I mean, I know she said we had
to start helping out around the house

437
00:21:10,936 --> 00:21:13,021
but $15,000?

438
00:21:19,611 --> 00:21:21,822
I also never hit my kids
when they were little.

439
00:21:21,905 --> 00:21:23,907
I don't judge you if you do, by the way.

440
00:21:24,700 --> 00:21:27,077
Matter of fact,
if we're out in a restaurant, eating,

441
00:21:27,160 --> 00:21:28,495
and I'm at a table by myself,

442
00:21:28,578 --> 00:21:30,414
and you're here with your kids,
they're crying,

443
00:21:30,497 --> 00:21:32,165
I will encourage you to hit them.

444
00:21:32,249 --> 00:21:33,667
[audience laughing]

445
00:21:33,750 --> 00:21:37,629
I might even suggest balling up your fist,
so you only have to do it that one time.

446
00:21:37,713 --> 00:21:39,506
[audience laughing and exclaiming]

447
00:21:41,216 --> 00:21:43,969
Everybody knows you wake up
with a better attitude after a nap.

448
00:21:44,469 --> 00:21:46,471
[audience exclaiming and laughing]

449
00:21:49,182 --> 00:21:52,019
[chuckling] Oh, man,
some resistance in here.

450
00:21:52,936 --> 00:21:54,604
Listen. Am I gonna hit a kid? No.

451
00:21:54,688 --> 00:21:57,107
Am I gonna think about it?
Every single day, yes.

452
00:21:57,190 --> 00:21:59,109
[audience laughing]

453
00:21:59,192 --> 00:22:01,903
That's how you don't do stuff.
You think about it up here.

454
00:22:01,987 --> 00:22:04,948
You go, "Oh, I would throttle that kid
in the fucking nose."

455
00:22:05,699 --> 00:22:08,910
And then you go, "Shake if off, dude.
Don't do it. All right. Here we go."

456
00:22:08,994 --> 00:22:10,245
That's how your day gets better.

457
00:22:10,329 --> 00:22:13,206
My kids are 24 and 20,
and I know how I would murder them.

458
00:22:13,290 --> 00:22:15,167
[audience laughing]

459
00:22:15,250 --> 00:22:17,794
That's how far it has escalated
in my family.

460
00:22:18,587 --> 00:22:22,174
It involves an ice house and an auger
and chains so the bodies sink.

461
00:22:23,050 --> 00:22:25,052
[audience laughing]

462
00:22:27,095 --> 00:22:28,430
When they're being assholes,

463
00:22:28,513 --> 00:22:30,807
I'll just look at them
with a weird look on my face.

464
00:22:33,226 --> 00:22:35,937
"What are you thinking about?"
"I don't know. This motion."

465
00:22:36,021 --> 00:22:38,023
[audience laughing]

466
00:22:40,525 --> 00:22:42,319
"Pretty sure you stop that with chains."

467
00:22:48,116 --> 00:22:50,660
My parents tossed us around a little.
Nothing therapy-worthy.

468
00:22:53,914 --> 00:22:55,957
We had a weird disciplinary dichotomy
in my home.

469
00:22:56,041 --> 00:22:59,211
It's like the roles were reversed
for my parents in the discipline.

470
00:22:59,294 --> 00:23:00,712
When my sister and I were acting up,

471
00:23:00,796 --> 00:23:03,215
my dad would come in
with a wooden spoon and he'd shake it.

472
00:23:03,298 --> 00:23:05,050
Like he was going to spank us with it.

473
00:23:05,133 --> 00:23:08,345
And my sister and I'd be like,
"Nice try, nerd," and keep going.

474
00:23:08,428 --> 00:23:09,846
[audience laughing]

475
00:23:10,806 --> 00:23:12,808
But then my mom would hear us
disrespecting our dad

476
00:23:12,891 --> 00:23:14,810
and she'd come in, loosening her belt,

477
00:23:15,769 --> 00:23:17,479
and we would freeze immediately.

478
00:23:17,979 --> 00:23:20,524
Right? 'Cause getting hit
with a wooden spoon does not hurt.

479
00:23:20,607 --> 00:23:22,317
But getting fucked by your mom?

480
00:23:22,401 --> 00:23:24,403
[audience exclaiming and laughing]

481
00:23:37,666 --> 00:23:38,500
Guys…

482
00:23:42,629 --> 00:23:44,798
We had no way of knowing
if that's where it was headed,

483
00:23:44,881 --> 00:23:46,466
but we did not want to find out.

484
00:23:47,717 --> 00:23:50,470
[chuckles] Spanking or rape,
no, thank you.

485
00:23:55,809 --> 00:23:58,019
I feel like this is a perfect opportunity
to tell you

486
00:23:58,103 --> 00:24:00,105
my mom never had sex with me.

487
00:24:02,399 --> 00:24:03,984
I had horrible credit.

488
00:24:04,067 --> 00:24:06,069
[audience laughing]

489
00:24:11,450 --> 00:24:15,036
I told you, I have two kids. 24 and 20.

490
00:24:15,704 --> 00:24:17,873
And my 20-year-old
is at college right now.

491
00:24:17,956 --> 00:24:20,375
She is a sophomore in Southern California.

492
00:24:20,459 --> 00:24:22,544
-[audience applauding]
-Sure, sure.

493
00:24:23,628 --> 00:24:25,714
I dropped her off her sophomore year
and freshman year,

494
00:24:25,797 --> 00:24:27,591
and it was a lot easier
her sophomore year,

495
00:24:27,674 --> 00:24:29,968
because she was a pretty big bitch to me
last summer.

496
00:24:30,051 --> 00:24:31,761
[audience laughing]

497
00:24:33,472 --> 00:24:34,973
I almost didn't stop the car this year.

498
00:24:35,056 --> 00:24:37,642
I was just like, "Get out,"
through a crosswalk.

499
00:24:39,686 --> 00:24:42,022
But freshman year, guys,
that was rough on me.

500
00:24:42,939 --> 00:24:44,316
If you have young children,

501
00:24:44,900 --> 00:24:46,443
stop loving them now.

502
00:24:46,526 --> 00:24:48,737
[audience laughing]

503
00:24:48,820 --> 00:24:50,572
It will be a lot easier on you

504
00:24:50,655 --> 00:24:53,033
when they abandon you for "their life"

505
00:24:53,783 --> 00:24:56,369
or whatever selfish bullshit
they're gonna tell you.

506
00:24:56,453 --> 00:24:58,038
[audience laughing]

507
00:24:59,915 --> 00:25:01,791
When I dropped her off--
She's my youngest.

508
00:25:01,875 --> 00:25:04,794
So I had trouble dropping my son off.
I was a little choked up with him.

509
00:25:04,878 --> 00:25:06,713
And then my daughter, she's the youngest,

510
00:25:06,796 --> 00:25:09,716
and so, I had tears
the whole week I was at this thing.

511
00:25:09,799 --> 00:25:12,052
And it was like,
I didn't want to cry because I'm the dad.

512
00:25:12,135 --> 00:25:13,345
I didn't want to embarrass her,

513
00:25:13,428 --> 00:25:17,474
so I did what all good American dads do
with sadness.

514
00:25:17,557 --> 00:25:19,559
I turned it into rage.

515
00:25:19,643 --> 00:25:21,645
[audience laughing]

516
00:25:23,522 --> 00:25:25,440
That's what we do
'cause that's how we're raised.

517
00:25:25,524 --> 00:25:27,484
When you're young,
you can't be embarrassed or sad.

518
00:25:27,567 --> 00:25:28,610
You get called a pussy.

519
00:25:29,152 --> 00:25:31,905
But you punch a wall and everyone's like,
"There he is."

520
00:25:33,865 --> 00:25:35,325
"There's the boy."

521
00:25:36,660 --> 00:25:39,496
I was crying in my room when I was younger
and my dad came in and he said,

522
00:25:39,579 --> 00:25:41,915
"I will give you something to cry about."

523
00:25:42,499 --> 00:25:47,379
And I was like, "Hey, man, clearly
I already have something to cry about."

524
00:25:47,462 --> 00:25:49,631
"I'm actively crying right now."

525
00:25:50,507 --> 00:25:52,175
"I don't want yours. I have one."

526
00:25:52,259 --> 00:25:54,636
"That would give me two and give you zero.
That's not fair."

527
00:25:55,136 --> 00:25:56,972
"Plus, my name
is probably already on yours

528
00:25:57,055 --> 00:25:59,266
because you stole my identity,
you son of a bitch."

529
00:25:59,349 --> 00:26:01,142
[audience laughing]

530
00:26:03,979 --> 00:26:06,523
Isn't it wild
we don't have a class in high school

531
00:26:06,606 --> 00:26:08,942
to teach kids
how to deal with their emotions?

532
00:26:09,025 --> 00:26:11,736
Or credit cards.
I mean, why don't we have those?

533
00:26:12,320 --> 00:26:15,156
It's pretty amazing.
Instead, we send them into calculus.

534
00:26:15,949 --> 00:26:17,617
When's the last time you used calculus?

535
00:26:17,701 --> 00:26:19,202
I'm gonna say, for me, never.

536
00:26:19,953 --> 00:26:21,788
When's the last time
you had to deal with emotions?

537
00:26:21,871 --> 00:26:23,748
A lot of you
during that Catholic bit, I know.

538
00:26:23,832 --> 00:26:25,292
[audience laughing]

539
00:26:25,375 --> 00:26:26,418
I saw that.

540
00:26:27,377 --> 00:26:29,379
I saw that on your faces, for sure.

541
00:26:31,047 --> 00:26:33,300
But they don't have a class for it.
They send us to Home Ec

542
00:26:33,383 --> 00:26:36,261
to make a pillow so we have something
to scream into at night.

543
00:26:36,344 --> 00:26:37,387
[audience laughing]

544
00:26:37,470 --> 00:26:38,305
It's crazy.

545
00:26:40,015 --> 00:26:41,182
And what's wild is

546
00:26:41,266 --> 00:26:44,686
we had the perfect vehicle to teach kids
how to deal with emotions

547
00:26:44,769 --> 00:26:46,605
with story problems in Math.

548
00:26:47,105 --> 00:26:50,191
But that's not what we used them for.
What did we use them for? European travel?

549
00:26:51,610 --> 00:26:55,447
"If a train is leaving Paris, France,
at midnight, going 185km/hr,

550
00:26:55,530 --> 00:26:56,948
when is it going to get to London?"

551
00:26:57,032 --> 00:26:59,367
"Hey, man,
there is a schedule on the wall."

552
00:26:59,451 --> 00:27:01,494
[audience laughing]

553
00:27:01,578 --> 00:27:04,623
"We don't have to do this math.
That's included in the ticket price."

554
00:27:08,418 --> 00:27:11,087
What we should have been
using story problems for is this.

555
00:27:11,171 --> 00:27:13,048
"Matt has five apples."

556
00:27:13,673 --> 00:27:16,092
"Matt gave Julie four of his apples."

557
00:27:16,176 --> 00:27:19,554
"And then Julie turned and gave Ben
all four of those apples

558
00:27:19,638 --> 00:27:21,348
and kissed Ben right on the mouth."

559
00:27:21,431 --> 00:27:23,475
[audience laughing]

560
00:27:24,434 --> 00:27:27,062
"Then she turned back, looked at Matt
and laughed in his face."

561
00:27:29,356 --> 00:27:31,232
"How many therapy sessions…"

562
00:27:31,316 --> 00:27:33,026
[audience laughing]

563
00:27:33,109 --> 00:27:35,111
"…is it going to take for Matt to realize

564
00:27:35,195 --> 00:27:37,530
that Julie's actions
are not a reflection of his character,

565
00:27:37,614 --> 00:27:38,490
but of hers?"

566
00:27:39,908 --> 00:27:42,619
"So he doesn't shoot up a school
or call her a whore."

567
00:27:47,165 --> 00:27:49,167
Now there's a lot going on in that one,

568
00:27:50,585 --> 00:27:53,213
so you have to check the back of the book
for the answer.

569
00:27:53,296 --> 00:27:55,465
And it just says, "Well into his forties."

570
00:27:55,548 --> 00:27:57,550
[audience laughing]

571
00:27:57,634 --> 00:28:00,720
Oh, my God. Am I Matt?
I don't know. Maybe.

572
00:28:00,804 --> 00:28:02,138
[audience laughing]

573
00:28:02,222 --> 00:28:04,849
Maybe I wrote a joke about myself
and changed the names.

574
00:28:04,933 --> 00:28:06,935
-It doesn't matter.
-[audience laughing]

575
00:28:12,565 --> 00:28:14,693
They don't teach us
how to deal with emotions in school.

576
00:28:14,776 --> 00:28:16,403
There I am. I've dropped my daughter off.

577
00:28:16,486 --> 00:28:18,738
I'm in the rental car.
I'm going back to the airport.

578
00:28:19,239 --> 00:28:21,366
I'm at a red light
and there's one car in front of me.

579
00:28:21,449 --> 00:28:22,784
I can feel the tears come again

580
00:28:22,867 --> 00:28:25,578
and I go, "You can't cry now.
You've gotta drop this goddamn car off."

581
00:28:25,662 --> 00:28:27,080
So I turn it into rage

582
00:28:27,163 --> 00:28:28,957
and I try to punch
the horn of the rental car

583
00:28:29,040 --> 00:28:30,458
through the steering column.

584
00:28:30,959 --> 00:28:33,420
I hit it
with every single thing I had in my body

585
00:28:33,503 --> 00:28:34,838
and it went, "Meep."

586
00:28:34,921 --> 00:28:36,756
[audience laughing]

587
00:28:36,840 --> 00:28:40,468
Dude, I went through the roof.
I was like, "Meep, meep, meep, meep."

588
00:28:41,094 --> 00:28:44,013
Thinking if I hit it correctly once,
it would go… [mimics klaxon]

589
00:28:44,514 --> 00:28:45,849
No. Meep, meep, meep, meep.

590
00:28:45,932 --> 00:28:48,351
Finally, the guy in front of me
rolls his window down, is like,

591
00:28:48,435 --> 00:28:49,894
"Did I do something?!"

592
00:28:51,104 --> 00:28:53,606
And I was like,
"I'm going home to an empty house!"

593
00:28:53,690 --> 00:28:55,692
[audience laughing]

594
00:29:02,490 --> 00:29:04,701
Then I saw him look both ways,

595
00:29:04,784 --> 00:29:06,369
and run a red light.

596
00:29:06,453 --> 00:29:08,455
[audience laughing]

597
00:29:14,085 --> 00:29:18,131
Which is absolutely what you need to do
when there is a psychopath behind you.

598
00:29:18,798 --> 00:29:21,384
You don't ask another question.
You get somewhere safe.

599
00:29:24,554 --> 00:29:27,766
I'll tell you that I did have some fun
when I was dropping my daughter off.

600
00:29:27,849 --> 00:29:29,851
She was on a tour with other students.

601
00:29:29,934 --> 00:29:33,396
I went to the registration table and said,
"I gotta get my daughter signed up."

602
00:29:33,480 --> 00:29:35,190
They go, "What's her name?"
I said, "Olivia."

603
00:29:35,273 --> 00:29:36,900
"What's her major?" "She's undecided."

604
00:29:36,983 --> 00:29:39,611
And the woman said… [chuckling] "No!"

605
00:29:39,694 --> 00:29:41,237
"No. No. No."

606
00:29:42,071 --> 00:29:43,823
"She's an exploratory major."

607
00:29:43,907 --> 00:29:45,742
[audience laughing]

608
00:29:45,825 --> 00:29:48,161
"We don't say 'undecided' here."

609
00:29:49,579 --> 00:29:51,915
"Ex-plo-ra-to-ry."

610
00:29:53,583 --> 00:29:54,793
That's what she did.

611
00:29:54,876 --> 00:29:57,086
And then she said some other stuff
for five minutes

612
00:29:57,170 --> 00:29:58,797
and I didn't hear any of that.

613
00:29:58,880 --> 00:30:00,882
[audience laughing]

614
00:30:02,217 --> 00:30:04,969
Because I was in the middle
of a frustration blackout.

615
00:30:05,053 --> 00:30:06,471
[audience laughing]

616
00:30:09,265 --> 00:30:11,267
Then she said,
"Thank you for coming to orientation."

617
00:30:11,351 --> 00:30:14,187
And I said… [chuckling] "No! No, no, no."

618
00:30:14,813 --> 00:30:15,814
"Asia-tation."

619
00:30:16,856 --> 00:30:19,567
"We do not say 'Orient' here."

620
00:30:19,651 --> 00:30:21,653
[audience laughing]

621
00:30:25,156 --> 00:30:27,158
"As-ia-ta-tion."

622
00:30:28,326 --> 00:30:31,079
That is the last time I moonwalked away
from another human being.

623
00:30:31,162 --> 00:30:32,288
[audience laughing]

624
00:30:32,372 --> 00:30:34,582
I did. I did it all.
[high-pitched] Eh-he! All of it.

625
00:30:34,666 --> 00:30:36,668
[audience laughing]

626
00:30:39,796 --> 00:30:42,340
My favorite part of dropping her off
is when she met her roommates.

627
00:30:42,423 --> 00:30:43,716
They're from Southern California.

628
00:30:43,800 --> 00:30:46,302
She grew up in Northern Minnesota
and still has her accent.

629
00:30:46,386 --> 00:30:48,179
So it was like two different languages.

630
00:30:48,263 --> 00:30:50,348
She was like,
"Can you guys grab me my bayg?"

631
00:30:51,766 --> 00:30:54,686
"My bayg has my clothes.
It's by your feet. Just grab my bayg."

632
00:30:55,436 --> 00:31:02,318
And her roommates are like,
"Grab your whaaaat?

633
00:31:03,361 --> 00:31:04,863
It was like a confused teapot.

634
00:31:10,118 --> 00:31:12,287
And my daughter was like,
"Just grab my bayg."

635
00:31:12,912 --> 00:31:16,291
One of her roommates goes,
"I think you mean bahg."

636
00:31:16,374 --> 00:31:18,042
[audience laughing]

637
00:31:18,126 --> 00:31:20,378
And I was like,
"I don't think that's right either."

638
00:31:22,171 --> 00:31:25,633
No one's ever got into trouble
for calling a guy a "fog."

639
00:31:25,717 --> 00:31:27,093
-[audience laughing]
-Huh?

640
00:31:35,143 --> 00:31:38,271
I mean, that's just condensation.
That doesn't even make sense.

641
00:31:41,065 --> 00:31:42,483
"Mama, what's condensation?"

642
00:31:42,567 --> 00:31:44,903
"Well, that's the Lord's breath
on a window."

643
00:31:44,986 --> 00:31:46,988
[audience laughing]

644
00:31:53,661 --> 00:31:56,456
I visited my daughter
five times last year, and the fifth time…

645
00:31:56,539 --> 00:32:00,418
So she has a roommate, and her mom
was there every time I got there. Right?

646
00:32:00,501 --> 00:32:04,255
So the fifth time I went, the mom goes,
"Can I talk to you for a second?"

647
00:32:04,339 --> 00:32:05,548
I'm like, "Yeah. What's up?"

648
00:32:05,632 --> 00:32:07,383
She goes, "Do you think
you're here too much?"

649
00:32:07,467 --> 00:32:09,218
[audience laughing]

650
00:32:09,302 --> 00:32:11,971
And I said, "I think you're here
every single time I'm here."

651
00:32:12,513 --> 00:32:14,265
"Are we here too much, do you think?"

652
00:32:15,141 --> 00:32:16,643
And she goes, "Well, I'm a mom."

653
00:32:18,061 --> 00:32:19,812
[audience exclaiming]

654
00:32:19,896 --> 00:32:22,482
Yeah. And I was like,
"I don't think you can say that."

655
00:32:23,983 --> 00:32:26,444
You can't dad-shame me.
I will cancel you, bitch.

656
00:32:26,527 --> 00:32:28,529
[audience laughing]

657
00:32:29,489 --> 00:32:32,033
She goes, "I'm just worried
you're smothering your daughter."

658
00:32:32,116 --> 00:32:34,744
I said, "Well, if I'm smothering her
from visiting her at college,

659
00:32:34,827 --> 00:32:36,663
she's in big trouble when I die."

660
00:32:37,288 --> 00:32:39,457
"Because in my will it says
I'm to be cremated,

661
00:32:39,540 --> 00:32:41,250
and my ashes are to be dyed pink and blue

662
00:32:41,334 --> 00:32:43,962
so they can be used
at my grandchildren's gender reveal."

663
00:32:44,045 --> 00:32:46,047
[audience laughing]

664
00:32:46,965 --> 00:32:48,132
That's actually in my will.

665
00:32:48,216 --> 00:32:50,677
[audience laughing loudly]

666
00:32:50,760 --> 00:32:52,929
I love a good party
and I don't want to miss it.

667
00:32:53,429 --> 00:32:56,474
"What's it gonna be?
What's it gonna be?"

668
00:32:56,557 --> 00:32:58,559
[mimics explosion] "Grandpa!"

669
00:32:59,352 --> 00:33:01,354
[audience laughing]

670
00:33:07,443 --> 00:33:10,113
Ah, yes, but then it was time to go home.
So I did.

671
00:33:10,196 --> 00:33:12,365
And I didn't know exactly how sad I was

672
00:33:12,865 --> 00:33:14,867
until I got all the way back here
to Minnesota

673
00:33:14,951 --> 00:33:17,620
and I went to my home to no one

674
00:33:18,538 --> 00:33:20,665
and I ate a pizza without cutting it.

675
00:33:20,748 --> 00:33:22,750
[audience laughing]

676
00:33:24,168 --> 00:33:26,838
I mean, think about how pathetic that is.

677
00:33:27,922 --> 00:33:30,091
By the way,
I had a pizza cutter in my hand.

678
00:33:31,342 --> 00:33:33,177
And I yelled to an empty house,

679
00:33:33,261 --> 00:33:35,596
"Well, no one else is here
to have a piece."

680
00:33:36,723 --> 00:33:38,599
Then I folded the pizza

681
00:33:39,183 --> 00:33:41,019
and I grabbed it from the top

682
00:33:41,102 --> 00:33:42,645
and I ate it from the bottom…

683
00:33:42,729 --> 00:33:44,147
[audience whoops]

684
00:33:44,230 --> 00:33:47,066
…like a parasite
on the belly of a wild animal.

685
00:33:50,903 --> 00:33:52,405
I will tell you when you fold a pizza,

686
00:33:52,488 --> 00:33:55,324
grease will pour out one side
and it will stain your pants.

687
00:33:55,408 --> 00:33:57,410
[audience laughing]

688
00:33:58,870 --> 00:34:00,830
I'm also gonna let you know
I wasn't wearing pants.

689
00:34:00,913 --> 00:34:01,956
I told you, I was sad.

690
00:34:02,040 --> 00:34:04,042
[audience laughing]

691
00:34:06,210 --> 00:34:09,630
So there I was in my kitchen,
in my panties…

692
00:34:11,632 --> 00:34:13,634
eating an Italian taco…

693
00:34:16,179 --> 00:34:18,181
with a grease burn on my inner thigh

694
00:34:19,599 --> 00:34:21,059
that I now tell people is a birthmark

695
00:34:21,142 --> 00:34:23,019
because that's kind of
an embarrassing story.

696
00:34:23,102 --> 00:34:25,104
[audience laughing]

697
00:34:32,695 --> 00:34:35,031
It was in that moment I had the thought

698
00:34:35,615 --> 00:34:38,117
I'm gonna hate being an empty nester

699
00:34:38,201 --> 00:34:40,995
more than anything I've ever done
in my entire life.

700
00:34:42,789 --> 00:34:46,167
And then a week later,
for the first time in 23 years,

701
00:34:47,043 --> 00:34:49,045
23 years,

702
00:34:50,213 --> 00:34:51,964
I got a blowjob in my own house.

703
00:34:52,048 --> 00:34:54,050
[audience laughing and cheering]

704
00:35:02,809 --> 00:35:04,811
And I thought, "You know what?"

705
00:35:06,813 --> 00:35:08,356
"We're gonna figure this out."

706
00:35:08,439 --> 00:35:10,441
[audience laughing]

707
00:35:13,653 --> 00:35:16,197
My daughter Facetimed me,
"I'm coming home for Thanksgiving."

708
00:35:16,280 --> 00:35:17,698
I was like, "I don't know."

709
00:35:17,782 --> 00:35:19,700
[audience laughing]

710
00:35:20,701 --> 00:35:22,787
"Why don't you stay there?
Get to know your roommates."

711
00:35:22,870 --> 00:35:25,289
"Really enjoy the college exp-- Oh!"

712
00:35:25,373 --> 00:35:27,041
[audience exclaiming]

713
00:35:27,125 --> 00:35:28,543
[chuckling] Oh!

714
00:35:29,460 --> 00:35:32,004
She was like, "What's wrong?"
Didn't have the heart to tell her…

715
00:35:32,588 --> 00:35:34,215
"Not all your friends went to college."

716
00:35:34,298 --> 00:35:36,300
[audience exclaiming and laughing]

717
00:35:40,346 --> 00:35:42,348
[audience whooping]

718
00:35:45,893 --> 00:35:46,936
[chuckles]

719
00:35:48,312 --> 00:35:50,314
Some of those boys didn't have the grades.

720
00:35:50,398 --> 00:35:52,400
[audience howling with laughter]

721
00:35:56,487 --> 00:35:58,030
This reaction is incredible.

722
00:35:59,740 --> 00:36:00,992
Absolutely incredible.

723
00:36:01,075 --> 00:36:03,578
You're like, "Oh, it's a girl. Kill him."

724
00:36:04,328 --> 00:36:05,705
"It's fine. It's a boy."

725
00:36:05,788 --> 00:36:06,914
[audience laughing]

726
00:36:06,998 --> 00:36:08,207
What a weird reaction.

727
00:36:08,291 --> 00:36:10,168
First of all,
it's neither of those groups.

728
00:36:10,668 --> 00:36:13,546
It's a fully-cooked adult woman.
So everyone calm down.

729
00:36:17,967 --> 00:36:20,511
Here's what happened. Well, not…
Never mind. Not that.

730
00:36:20,595 --> 00:36:22,513
[audience laughing]

731
00:36:22,597 --> 00:36:24,599
You guys are like,
"All right. I'm listening."

732
00:36:25,349 --> 00:36:27,059
Not that part. Let me start over here.

733
00:36:27,143 --> 00:36:29,520
I didn't date in my daughter's
senior year of high school.

734
00:36:29,604 --> 00:36:31,105
I didn't wanna choose between

735
00:36:31,189 --> 00:36:33,399
her last events
and then getting to know someone.

736
00:36:33,482 --> 00:36:35,193
I didn't think
anyone would get my full attention.

737
00:36:35,276 --> 00:36:36,444
I didn't think that was fair.

738
00:36:36,527 --> 00:36:37,820
So I took a year off of dating

739
00:36:37,904 --> 00:36:40,323
and I learned something very important
about myself.

740
00:36:40,907 --> 00:36:43,868
I learned that I could die alone
and be okay with that.

741
00:36:45,328 --> 00:36:48,789
That is very good information
to have about yourself.

742
00:36:49,832 --> 00:36:53,669
It is a horrible attitude to have
in a new relationship.

743
00:36:53,753 --> 00:36:55,755
[audience laughing]

744
00:36:56,964 --> 00:36:58,716
There was a woman in my house once
after this.

745
00:36:58,799 --> 00:37:01,969
She's like, "I don't like this movie."
I go, "I could die alone and go home."

746
00:37:02,053 --> 00:37:03,763
[audience laughing]

747
00:37:05,014 --> 00:37:07,516
You got to figure out
how to turn that shit down a bit.

748
00:37:10,394 --> 00:37:12,980
Then I went on my first date
with my current girlfriend, Kelsey.

749
00:37:13,064 --> 00:37:16,275
Here's what happened. She's allergic
to everything and that sucks.

750
00:37:17,068 --> 00:37:18,069
I mean everything.

751
00:37:18,152 --> 00:37:21,280
Like, "Does your water have hydrogen?
It has two? I can't have that."

752
00:37:21,364 --> 00:37:22,365
[audience laughing]

753
00:37:22,448 --> 00:37:24,283
It was like that kind of stuff.

754
00:37:24,367 --> 00:37:26,869
So I'm like, "I'm not gonna
be able to do this. For sure."

755
00:37:26,953 --> 00:37:29,372
At the end of dinner,
she said something really compelling.

756
00:37:29,872 --> 00:37:32,124
She said, "Peanuts can kill me."

757
00:37:33,125 --> 00:37:35,336
"Dairy makes me shit my pants."

758
00:37:35,419 --> 00:37:37,171
[audience laughing]

759
00:37:37,255 --> 00:37:41,175
And I thought, "Oh, my God.
Am I falling in love right now?"

760
00:37:41,259 --> 00:37:42,677
[audience laughing]

761
00:37:43,594 --> 00:37:46,389
Turns out I was. Because I think
that's a very funny thing to say.

762
00:37:46,472 --> 00:37:49,558
It's also great information to have
at the beginning of a relationship.

763
00:37:50,518 --> 00:37:52,895
Because now I know
if she accidentally has dairy,

764
00:37:52,979 --> 00:37:55,022
I can just give her a peanut
to stop the madness.

765
00:37:55,106 --> 00:37:57,108
[audience laughing]

766
00:38:00,569 --> 00:38:03,948
Yeah, you're damn right.
I told you I can die alone. I said that.

767
00:38:04,740 --> 00:38:08,160
I never said I could sit next to somebody
while they shit their pants in public.

768
00:38:14,125 --> 00:38:17,503
Here's the thing. Peanut butter has been
my favorite food since I was a little boy.

769
00:38:17,586 --> 00:38:20,506
Now I can't have it
'cause I'm in this relationship,

770
00:38:20,589 --> 00:38:23,342
and Kelsey goes,
"Well, why don't you try almond butter?"

771
00:38:23,426 --> 00:38:26,053
I was like, "I don't know.
Why don't you fuck you?"

772
00:38:26,137 --> 00:38:28,139
[audience laughing]

773
00:38:33,853 --> 00:38:35,479
Have you ever had almond butter?

774
00:38:36,063 --> 00:38:37,690
It sucks so hard!

775
00:38:38,607 --> 00:38:41,235
It's like Christmas
with just church and no presents.

776
00:38:41,319 --> 00:38:43,237
[audience laughing]

777
00:38:44,071 --> 00:38:45,740
Imagine that.

778
00:38:47,533 --> 00:38:48,701
How do they make almond butter?

779
00:38:48,784 --> 00:38:51,579
They have little kids chew up almonds
and spit them into a jar.

780
00:38:52,663 --> 00:38:54,248
It's-- There's-- It's so gross!

781
00:38:59,253 --> 00:39:00,212
So I finally broke.

782
00:39:00,296 --> 00:39:03,049
We moved in together.
I brought a jar of peanut butter with me.

783
00:39:03,132 --> 00:39:05,426
She said, "What's that?"
I said, "You know what that is."

784
00:39:06,093 --> 00:39:07,928
She said, "What are you gonna do with it?"

785
00:39:08,012 --> 00:39:10,014
I said, "I'm gonna eat this
when you're not here."

786
00:39:10,097 --> 00:39:11,390
She said, "What if I eat it?"

787
00:39:11,891 --> 00:39:13,517
-"Don't."
-[audience laughing]

788
00:39:14,477 --> 00:39:16,812
I dunno what to say.
"I'm gonna put this in this cupboard."

789
00:39:16,896 --> 00:39:19,440
"Don't open this cupboard.
This is the cupboard of death."

790
00:39:20,524 --> 00:39:23,277
"This is where I'm gonna put
the peanut butter and my throwing stars."

791
00:39:23,361 --> 00:39:25,363
[audience laughing]

792
00:39:29,617 --> 00:39:31,410
"Don't open this. You could get hurt."

793
00:39:33,913 --> 00:39:35,164
She said, "I cannot believe

794
00:39:35,247 --> 00:39:37,541
you brought something in this house
that I am allergic to."

795
00:39:37,625 --> 00:39:40,127
I go, "How are your two cats doing
that kill me slowly every day?"

796
00:39:40,211 --> 00:39:41,420
"What's going on with them?"

797
00:39:41,504 --> 00:39:44,465
"Been fed yet and barfed it up
somewhere on the carpet?"

798
00:39:44,548 --> 00:39:45,966
[audience laughing]

799
00:39:49,095 --> 00:39:50,763
I said, "About this peanut butter,

800
00:39:50,846 --> 00:39:53,182
you're never gonna wake up
with it on your head."

801
00:39:53,265 --> 00:39:54,934
[audience laughing]

802
00:39:57,561 --> 00:39:58,813
Have you ever met a cat?

803
00:39:59,772 --> 00:40:01,023
They're autistic.

804
00:40:01,107 --> 00:40:02,650
[audience laughing]

805
00:40:02,733 --> 00:40:03,776
They're full spectrum.

806
00:40:03,859 --> 00:40:07,154
They go, "He's allergic to me?
Well, I'm gonna love him the most."

807
00:40:07,905 --> 00:40:09,156
It's insane.

808
00:40:10,574 --> 00:40:12,993
They sleep on my head
and then I snore because of it

809
00:40:13,077 --> 00:40:15,079
and then Kelsey's like, "Hey."

810
00:40:16,539 --> 00:40:18,124
"You're mouth-breathing."

811
00:40:18,207 --> 00:40:20,209
[audience laughing]

812
00:40:24,213 --> 00:40:25,381
"Can you wake up? Honey?"

813
00:40:25,464 --> 00:40:27,633
"You're mouth-breathing.
It's bothering me."

814
00:40:31,887 --> 00:40:32,847
"Can you wake up?"

815
00:40:33,848 --> 00:40:35,558
I'm like, "Huh? What?
Who's mouth-breathing?"

816
00:40:35,641 --> 00:40:36,600
"I'm mouth-breathing?"

817
00:40:36,684 --> 00:40:39,145
"The one with the Davy Crockett cat hat
on my head…"

818
00:40:39,228 --> 00:40:40,688
[audience laughing]

819
00:40:40,771 --> 00:40:45,443
"…whose dander is cascading down
into my breathing holes?"

820
00:40:46,068 --> 00:40:49,530
"So even though I'm in a dream,
I'm physically in fight or flight,

821
00:40:50,656 --> 00:40:53,784
and my face has to open
the biggest hole on it

822
00:40:53,868 --> 00:40:56,287
to let the most amount of oxygen in

823
00:40:57,163 --> 00:41:00,416
so I can remain
a card-carrying member of the alive?"

824
00:41:00,499 --> 00:41:01,792
[audience laughing]

825
00:41:01,876 --> 00:41:05,212
"I'm mouth-breathing? No shit, honey!"

826
00:41:05,296 --> 00:41:06,881
[audience laughing]

827
00:41:06,964 --> 00:41:08,424
"Tell me more."

828
00:41:16,223 --> 00:41:19,143
I said she'd never end up with peanut
butter in her hair when she's sleeping

829
00:41:19,226 --> 00:41:21,228
but I'm gonna get drunk and do it.
I know it.

830
00:41:21,312 --> 00:41:22,730
[audience laughing]

831
00:41:22,813 --> 00:41:25,232
I know I am. I'm gonna slather it
in her hair and just be like,

832
00:41:26,150 --> 00:41:28,152
"You're mouth-breathing. Ha ha ha!"

833
00:41:29,278 --> 00:41:31,489
"Wake up! Wake up, wake up, wake up!"

834
00:41:32,698 --> 00:41:35,910
"You're bugging me or whatever you said
because we're equals!"

835
00:41:36,994 --> 00:41:38,996
"Wake up!" [blowing raspberry]

836
00:41:40,289 --> 00:41:41,123
"Wake up."

837
00:41:43,292 --> 00:41:46,045
-"Oh, fuck! Wake up!"
-[audience laughing]

838
00:41:47,630 --> 00:41:49,465
I'm pretty sure
peanuts are different than cats.

839
00:41:49,548 --> 00:41:52,551
So I'm gonna want to be careful
about that one.

840
00:41:55,804 --> 00:41:57,431
We did move in together pretty quickly.

841
00:41:57,515 --> 00:41:59,725
Because of that, people are like,
"You gonna have kids?"

842
00:41:59,808 --> 00:42:02,102
I will tell every single person
that I have a vasectomy

843
00:42:02,186 --> 00:42:04,271
and there's always
one person in the group that goes,

844
00:42:04,355 --> 00:42:06,232
"You know
you can reverse a vasectomy, right?"

845
00:42:06,315 --> 00:42:09,276
I'm like, "Yeah. You know you can walk
from Alaska to Argentina, right?"

846
00:42:09,360 --> 00:42:11,362
[audience laughing]

847
00:42:11,445 --> 00:42:14,573
"But that's hard and you won't do it,
so why don't you shut your mouth?"

848
00:42:14,657 --> 00:42:15,658
[audience laughing]

849
00:42:15,741 --> 00:42:17,910
This is a vasectomy.
I had a surgery for this.

850
00:42:17,993 --> 00:42:19,453
I went in on purpose.

851
00:42:19,537 --> 00:42:23,499
This is not a Tasmanian devil tattoo

852
00:42:23,582 --> 00:42:26,043
that I got on my senior trip in Mexico,

853
00:42:26,835 --> 00:42:29,505
that I'm later going to regret
in my late thirties,

854
00:42:29,588 --> 00:42:32,091
and cover it up with flowers
when my grandma dies.

855
00:42:32,174 --> 00:42:34,176
[audience laughing]

856
00:42:37,846 --> 00:42:40,140
This is a vasectomy.
I didn't drive into the wrong driveway,

857
00:42:40,224 --> 00:42:41,684
and now need to back out.

858
00:42:42,268 --> 00:42:46,146
I went into a cold operating room
with a bare nutsack,

859
00:42:47,273 --> 00:42:48,816
per their request,

860
00:42:49,525 --> 00:42:50,985
and they sliced it open,

861
00:42:51,569 --> 00:42:54,530
and they pulled a tube out
and they snipped it,

862
00:42:54,613 --> 00:42:56,448
and they burned both sides of the tube,

863
00:42:56,532 --> 00:43:00,494
so now my sperm runs into that
and they die right there.

864
00:43:00,578 --> 00:43:02,580
And then they're absorbed
back into my body.

865
00:43:02,663 --> 00:43:04,164
And I don't know what that means.

866
00:43:04,248 --> 00:43:06,250
[audience laughing]

867
00:43:09,503 --> 00:43:12,131
They told me that
and then had me leave the hospital.

868
00:43:12,798 --> 00:43:14,300
I have no idea what that means.

869
00:43:14,383 --> 00:43:16,969
Sometimes I will not have eaten
for a couple of hours and I'll burp

870
00:43:17,052 --> 00:43:19,305
and I'll be like, "Was that it?"
I don't know.

871
00:43:19,388 --> 00:43:21,390
[audience laughing]

872
00:43:25,853 --> 00:43:28,522
I don't know where they are.
I'm like a haunted house.

873
00:43:30,316 --> 00:43:34,069
Just sperm ghosts everywhere in here.

874
00:43:34,153 --> 00:43:35,529
I have ringing in my ears

875
00:43:35,613 --> 00:43:38,907
and I'm pretty sure it's just the crickets
in the sperm graveyard.

876
00:43:38,991 --> 00:43:40,618
[audience laughing]

877
00:43:44,872 --> 00:43:47,458
I'm not gonna reverse a vasectomy
'cause I don't know what'd happen.

878
00:43:48,834 --> 00:43:49,918
I don't know how that works.

879
00:43:50,002 --> 00:43:52,671
I've only reversed one thing in my life
and it was electricity.

880
00:43:52,755 --> 00:43:55,966
In college, we got our lights shut off
'cause we didn't pay the bill.

881
00:43:56,050 --> 00:43:57,926
We paid the bill,
they turned our lights back on,

882
00:43:58,010 --> 00:43:59,887
but then our lights flickered
for three days.

883
00:44:00,387 --> 00:44:02,181
I don't want a flickery sperm-shooter.

884
00:44:02,264 --> 00:44:03,557
[audience laughing]

885
00:44:03,641 --> 00:44:07,186
I don't need my sperm coming out sideways
and just denting the egg.

886
00:44:09,521 --> 00:44:11,982
Then one finally gets in,
I have a kid come out like…

887
00:44:12,066 --> 00:44:13,525
[laughing maniacally]

888
00:44:15,778 --> 00:44:17,321
Everybody's like, "You have ADHD?"

889
00:44:17,404 --> 00:44:20,115
"No, my dad Humpty-Dumpty'd
his ballbag back together."

890
00:44:20,199 --> 00:44:22,117
[audience laughing]

891
00:44:25,245 --> 00:44:28,123
"Now we can't go to restaurants
because I fuck up meals."

892
00:44:28,207 --> 00:44:29,708
[audience laughing]

893
00:44:36,048 --> 00:44:37,049
I'm not doing that.

894
00:44:42,096 --> 00:44:44,932
I have a vasectomy, she has an IUD,

895
00:44:45,015 --> 00:44:48,018
and one day she goes, "Ah, I'm late."

896
00:44:48,102 --> 00:44:51,146
"My period hasn't been…
I'm two weeks late."

897
00:44:51,730 --> 00:44:55,484
"I feel like my breasts are tender
and I feel a little chubbier than normal."

898
00:44:55,567 --> 00:44:57,736
"Do you think I'm pregnant?"
And I was like, "I don't."

899
00:44:57,820 --> 00:45:00,239
[audience laughing]

900
00:45:00,322 --> 00:45:02,449
"I have a vasectomy and you have an IUD."

901
00:45:02,533 --> 00:45:04,827
"If you're pregnant,
we're about to have the creepiest kid…"

902
00:45:04,910 --> 00:45:06,412
[audience laughing]

903
00:45:06,495 --> 00:45:08,122
"…of all time,
if he made it through that."

904
00:45:08,205 --> 00:45:10,666
He's gonna be able to
walk through his crib like, "Hello."

905
00:45:13,210 --> 00:45:14,795
"Mother, Father."

906
00:45:18,507 --> 00:45:21,844
We won't be able to get a babysitter
to come back more than one time.

907
00:45:23,512 --> 00:45:26,098
She goes, "Maybe I should go to Walgreens
and get a pregnancy test."

908
00:45:26,181 --> 00:45:29,101
I was like, "Sure. You should also
get a paternity test when you're there."

909
00:45:29,184 --> 00:45:31,186
[audience laughing]

910
00:45:31,895 --> 00:45:32,980
That's not my kid.

911
00:45:33,856 --> 00:45:36,191
Pregnancy tests and paternity tests
should come in a two-pack

912
00:45:36,275 --> 00:45:37,860
like DayQuil and NyQuil.

913
00:45:37,943 --> 00:45:39,945
[audience laughing and applauding]

914
00:45:43,741 --> 00:45:45,367
Just shrink-wrapped together.

915
00:45:49,955 --> 00:45:52,332
Kelsey asked me when we started dating,
"Do you want kids?"

916
00:45:52,416 --> 00:45:53,542
I said, "I have kids."

917
00:45:54,251 --> 00:45:55,502
She said, "What if I want kids?"

918
00:45:55,586 --> 00:45:57,671
I said, "Then you should have
brought some kids."

919
00:45:57,755 --> 00:45:59,757
[audience laughing]

920
00:46:02,718 --> 00:46:04,261
I can't have a baby now!

921
00:46:04,344 --> 00:46:06,472
I told you my youngest is 20 years old.

922
00:46:06,555 --> 00:46:09,308
If I had a baby right now,
that would be like my last day of prison,

923
00:46:09,391 --> 00:46:11,393
going into the yard and stabbing somebody.

924
00:46:11,477 --> 00:46:13,145
[audience laughing]

925
00:46:13,228 --> 00:46:16,106
Just be like, "Well, here we go again."

926
00:46:16,190 --> 00:46:18,525
[audience laughing]

927
00:46:18,609 --> 00:46:20,611
"One more life sentence."

928
00:46:22,029 --> 00:46:25,240
"I guess I'll get one more degree
I'll never be able to use."

929
00:46:34,082 --> 00:46:38,086
I can't have a kid right now.
My son is getting married in 12 days.

930
00:46:38,170 --> 00:46:39,546
-He's 24.
-[audience applauds]

931
00:46:39,630 --> 00:46:41,381
Yeah, sure. Yes.

932
00:46:42,716 --> 00:46:46,178
If you guys wanna waste your energy
clapping at mistakes, be my guest.

933
00:46:46,261 --> 00:46:48,180
[audience laughing]

934
00:46:51,475 --> 00:46:53,519
No, I love his wife-to-be very much.

935
00:46:53,602 --> 00:46:56,104
I think it's funny 'cause when he was 23,
he got engaged and I go,

936
00:46:56,188 --> 00:46:57,731
"Think you're too young to get engaged?"

937
00:46:57,815 --> 00:47:00,108
He goes, "You think
you're a little old to be a boyfriend?"

938
00:47:00,192 --> 00:47:02,194
[audience laughing loudly]

939
00:47:08,033 --> 00:47:10,369
I'm like, "We will see you
at the wedding, my man."

940
00:47:10,452 --> 00:47:11,870
[audience laughing]

941
00:47:12,913 --> 00:47:15,666
He's getting married in 12 days.
I dunno when they're gonna have a baby.

942
00:47:15,749 --> 00:47:18,210
I'm certainly not gonna be
one of those creepy families

943
00:47:18,293 --> 00:47:21,046
where the parents have a kid
as old as the oldest kid's kid.

944
00:47:21,129 --> 00:47:22,297
[audience laughing]

945
00:47:22,381 --> 00:47:23,757
You ever seen them walking around?

946
00:47:23,841 --> 00:47:26,051
Like, "Who's your buddy?"
"This is my uncle."

947
00:47:27,803 --> 00:47:30,848
"Why don't you go back into the corn?
You're freaking everybody out."

948
00:47:30,931 --> 00:47:32,599
[audience laughing]

949
00:47:39,314 --> 00:47:43,235
Plus, it wouldn't be fair if I had
a son and grandson the same age.

950
00:47:43,318 --> 00:47:45,237
Because I'm always gonna be a strict dad

951
00:47:45,320 --> 00:47:47,364
but I'm gonna
spoil the hell out of my grandkids.

952
00:47:48,949 --> 00:47:50,576
If they're the same age,
it doesn't make sense.

953
00:47:50,659 --> 00:47:53,579
"Son, go rake the lawn.
Grandson, go jump in the leaves."

954
00:47:53,662 --> 00:47:55,330
[audience laughing]

955
00:47:55,414 --> 00:47:58,667
"You get in there. Now kick 'em around.
It doesn't matter. He'll do it again."

956
00:47:59,751 --> 00:48:00,586
"Yes, you will."

957
00:48:00,669 --> 00:48:04,464
"I have your phone for a month already.
Want to make it two? Rake up the leaves."

958
00:48:04,548 --> 00:48:05,966
[audience laughing]

959
00:48:11,096 --> 00:48:13,140
When Kelsey and I started dating,
she put glasses on.

960
00:48:13,223 --> 00:48:15,517
She goes, "Are you surprised
I have glasses?" I said, "No."

961
00:48:16,226 --> 00:48:17,686
"With your weak-ass genetics?"

962
00:48:17,769 --> 00:48:19,771
[audience laughing]

963
00:48:20,355 --> 00:48:23,400
"A nut can kill you.
You thought I thought you could see far?"

964
00:48:23,483 --> 00:48:24,818
[audience laughing]

965
00:48:24,902 --> 00:48:26,153
[laughing] "No!"

966
00:48:27,237 --> 00:48:29,823
And that's also why
I'm not gonna put a baby into her.

967
00:48:32,743 --> 00:48:33,660
That's not fair.

968
00:48:35,078 --> 00:48:36,705
Sorry, but the kids I have now are great.

969
00:48:36,788 --> 00:48:39,041
All their parts work,
their genetics are spot-on.

970
00:48:39,833 --> 00:48:42,669
And I know it sounds like
I'm giving a speech in Germany right now.

971
00:48:42,753 --> 00:48:44,755
[audience laughing]

972
00:48:44,838 --> 00:48:45,714
[chuckles] Right?

973
00:48:46,882 --> 00:48:49,009
[in German accent] My children
will never be beaten.

974
00:48:49,092 --> 00:48:50,636
[as himself] That's not what I'm saying.

975
00:48:50,719 --> 00:48:53,180
I'm just saying they're good.
I got good ones.

976
00:48:53,263 --> 00:48:54,640
So I don't think it's fair for me

977
00:48:54,723 --> 00:48:57,267
to put perfect vision
and straight teeth without braces

978
00:48:57,351 --> 00:48:59,519
into a bowl with "can't have a tomato."

979
00:48:59,603 --> 00:49:01,605
[audience laughing]

980
00:49:05,442 --> 00:49:08,320
Plus, you know I'm the one that's
gonna have to take care of that kid.

981
00:49:08,820 --> 00:49:11,198
I'll have to bring him trick-or-treating
with a purple pumpkin

982
00:49:11,281 --> 00:49:12,532
because he can't have peanuts.

983
00:49:13,158 --> 00:49:14,201
She can't bring him out

984
00:49:14,284 --> 00:49:16,161
when there's pollen in the air,
it will kill her.

985
00:49:17,788 --> 00:49:20,040
People are like, "Why does
your son have a purple pumpkin?"

986
00:49:20,123 --> 00:49:22,042
"I don't know. He's broken. I'm not sure."

987
00:49:22,542 --> 00:49:24,002
"Never had to deal with this before."

988
00:49:24,086 --> 00:49:26,421
"I just know his mom's family tree
is a weeping willow."

989
00:49:26,505 --> 00:49:28,298
[audience laughing]

990
00:49:29,466 --> 00:49:30,592
"I was sent along with him

991
00:49:30,676 --> 00:49:33,804
to let you know you can only give him
licorice or he will die."

992
00:49:34,596 --> 00:49:38,266
"Who's his little buddy?" "That's his
nephew and I don't want to talk about it."

993
00:49:38,350 --> 00:49:40,352
[audience laughing]

994
00:49:50,404 --> 00:49:53,156
You know what's awesome
about this night to me?

995
00:49:53,907 --> 00:49:57,369
Is that, I bet you, there are people here
on the left of the political spectrum

996
00:49:57,452 --> 00:49:59,329
and, I bet you,
there are people on the right

997
00:49:59,413 --> 00:50:00,664
and no one's fist-fighting

998
00:50:00,747 --> 00:50:02,749
and we're all laughing
at the same stupid story.

999
00:50:04,126 --> 00:50:06,128
-I think that's great.
-[audience cheering]

1000
00:50:08,296 --> 00:50:10,382
Selfishly, I am very happy about that

1001
00:50:10,465 --> 00:50:11,675
'cause five years ago I thought

1002
00:50:11,758 --> 00:50:14,511
I was going to have to write
different acts for two different groups.

1003
00:50:14,594 --> 00:50:16,680
I thought I was gonna have to go
to Planned Parenthood,

1004
00:50:16,763 --> 00:50:18,640
and tell some jokes for the Dems,

1005
00:50:18,724 --> 00:50:20,809
and then run across town to the VFW,

1006
00:50:20,892 --> 00:50:23,437
and do some jokes for the Repubs.
I mean, I did.

1007
00:50:24,771 --> 00:50:26,773
But here we are.
This is a lot better for me.

1008
00:50:27,566 --> 00:50:29,568
There's still some buttfuckery
on the edges.

1009
00:50:31,820 --> 00:50:34,406
I think there always will be.
That's how it works, right?

1010
00:50:34,489 --> 00:50:37,284
Here's what I've said
since the beginning of my career,

1011
00:50:37,367 --> 00:50:39,077
I'm on the left,
the line's right by my foot.

1012
00:50:39,161 --> 00:50:40,078
That's where I stand.

1013
00:50:40,162 --> 00:50:43,415
It seems like I'm going this way
because they're going that way.

1014
00:50:43,498 --> 00:50:44,958
But I'm just standing here.

1015
00:50:45,042 --> 00:50:47,044
And so sometimes I get yelled at
from my own team.

1016
00:50:47,627 --> 00:50:49,337
One time I was like,
"Oh, that homeless guy."

1017
00:50:49,421 --> 00:50:51,256
And somebody goes, "It's 'unhoused.'"

1018
00:50:52,257 --> 00:50:54,259
I was like, "I don't think that's right."

1019
00:50:55,761 --> 00:50:57,637
"Unhoused"? That sounds
like a word you'd make up

1020
00:50:57,721 --> 00:50:59,723
because you can't
get something to rhyme in a poem.

1021
00:50:59,806 --> 00:51:01,808
[audience laughing]

1022
00:51:06,229 --> 00:51:08,231
She goes,
"Wanna know why it's 'unhoused'?"

1023
00:51:08,315 --> 00:51:09,608
I said, "I don't."

1024
00:51:10,567 --> 00:51:12,569
Because it's gonna be
something else next week.

1025
00:51:13,070 --> 00:51:15,572
The far left
update more than Apple products.

1026
00:51:16,281 --> 00:51:18,283
[audience laughing]

1027
00:51:18,366 --> 00:51:21,495
Problem with the far right,
they haven't updated one time ever.

1028
00:51:21,578 --> 00:51:23,455
[audience laughing]

1029
00:51:23,538 --> 00:51:26,249
That's why there's such a disconnect
on the two sides.

1030
00:51:26,750 --> 00:51:28,502
I got people saying "unhoused" over here,

1031
00:51:28,585 --> 00:51:30,212
and I have people over here going,

1032
00:51:30,295 --> 00:51:31,588
"I can't call that person a boy

1033
00:51:31,671 --> 00:51:33,882
because it says they're a girl
on their birth certificate,

1034
00:51:33,965 --> 00:51:35,675
and I always go by the birth certificate.

1035
00:51:35,759 --> 00:51:38,637
If it says girl on your birth certificate,
that's what I'm gonna call you."

1036
00:51:38,720 --> 00:51:40,722
Like, "Whatever, Robert."
"Call me Bob."

1037
00:51:40,806 --> 00:51:42,808
[audience laughing]

1038
00:51:48,438 --> 00:51:50,982
"Sorry, Robert, your rules."

1039
00:51:53,860 --> 00:51:54,820
Sometimes they're like,

1040
00:51:54,903 --> 00:51:56,822
"What do you think
about gay couples having kids?"

1041
00:51:56,905 --> 00:51:57,739
"I don't."

1042
00:51:58,240 --> 00:51:59,908
[audience laughing]

1043
00:51:59,991 --> 00:52:01,618
I'm not a gay couple or a kid.

1044
00:52:02,536 --> 00:52:05,330
And no one has asked me to help.
I only help when I'm asked.

1045
00:52:05,413 --> 00:52:07,415
Did you hear that, white ladies?
Say it with me.

1046
00:52:07,499 --> 00:52:09,501
[audience howling with laughter]

1047
00:52:09,584 --> 00:52:11,586
-[audience cheering]
-Say it…

1048
00:52:12,879 --> 00:52:16,091
I only help when I am asked.

1049
00:52:24,307 --> 00:52:27,018
Sometimes people wanna know
about gay couples raising kids.

1050
00:52:27,102 --> 00:52:29,437
They go, "What would happen
if two women raised a boy?"

1051
00:52:29,521 --> 00:52:31,022
"What would that boy end up like?"

1052
00:52:31,106 --> 00:52:32,649
"I don't know. He'd probably be

1053
00:52:32,732 --> 00:52:35,318
great at planning surprise parties
and ruining them."

1054
00:52:35,402 --> 00:52:37,404
[audience laughing]

1055
00:52:40,574 --> 00:52:43,368
[chuckling] "Just a little something
from each parent."

1056
00:52:43,451 --> 00:52:44,828
"I don't know what to tell you."

1057
00:52:46,371 --> 00:52:48,373
"What do you think about that guy
that became a girl

1058
00:52:48,456 --> 00:52:50,417
to win those college swimming events?"

1059
00:52:50,500 --> 00:52:52,294
"I will tell you what I think about that."

1060
00:52:53,587 --> 00:52:55,255
"I didn't know
there was college swimming."

1061
00:52:55,338 --> 00:52:57,340
[audience laughing]

1062
00:52:58,466 --> 00:52:59,301
I didn't.

1063
00:53:00,802 --> 00:53:03,889
I thought you went from the YMCA
to the Olympics. That was it.

1064
00:53:05,307 --> 00:53:06,683
So that person has done more for me

1065
00:53:06,766 --> 00:53:08,935
and my knowledge of college swimming
than anyone.

1066
00:53:09,769 --> 00:53:10,979
[person cackling]

1067
00:53:13,356 --> 00:53:15,025
I hope they got that laugh.

1068
00:53:17,152 --> 00:53:19,112
That sounds like
a goddamn boomerang coming around.

1069
00:53:19,196 --> 00:53:21,198
[mimicking cackle]

1070
00:53:23,241 --> 00:53:25,243
I love it.
I'm not making fun of it. I love it.

1071
00:53:29,831 --> 00:53:32,751
Now I'm gonna say something that
could get me kicked out of the country.

1072
00:53:33,501 --> 00:53:36,504
I would like you to bear with me.
Both sides, hear me out.

1073
00:53:37,297 --> 00:53:38,423
What if…

1074
00:53:39,758 --> 00:53:40,800
What if…

1075
00:53:41,676 --> 00:53:43,970
we all minded our own business?

1076
00:53:44,054 --> 00:53:46,056
[audience cheering]

1077
00:53:50,769 --> 00:53:54,147
I know it seems simple
but it seems like we can't do it, right?

1078
00:53:54,272 --> 00:53:56,524
I told you I'm on the left,
the line is right by my foot.

1079
00:53:56,608 --> 00:53:59,945
I shot a gun two months ago
and I want to do it every single day now.

1080
00:54:00,946 --> 00:54:04,157
I bet every single person in here
is against gun violence, of course.

1081
00:54:04,241 --> 00:54:06,409
I don't need a gun that goes…
[mimics machine gun]

1082
00:54:06,493 --> 00:54:08,161
Not that many. I don't need that.

1083
00:54:08,828 --> 00:54:10,497
I want one that goes, "Bang!"

1084
00:54:10,580 --> 00:54:13,083
Then you have to hurry
and fucking reload or you get shot.

1085
00:54:13,166 --> 00:54:14,000
That's what I want.

1086
00:54:14,501 --> 00:54:17,545
I want to get good at shooting
the one person I want to shoot.

1087
00:54:17,629 --> 00:54:19,381
[audience laughing]

1088
00:54:20,423 --> 00:54:22,092
That doesn't seem that hard.

1089
00:54:25,178 --> 00:54:28,348
I think if you want a gun, you should
be able to have one of those bang guns.

1090
00:54:28,431 --> 00:54:30,600
I think you should have to follow
a couple of rules,

1091
00:54:30,684 --> 00:54:32,602
but once you do,
everybody has to leave you alone.

1092
00:54:32,686 --> 00:54:33,895
I think those rules should be,

1093
00:54:33,979 --> 00:54:35,772
prove you're not gonna be
a psychopath with it.

1094
00:54:35,855 --> 00:54:37,649
You're not gonna
wave it in anybody's face.

1095
00:54:37,732 --> 00:54:39,359
Make sure
kids don't get their hands on it.

1096
00:54:39,442 --> 00:54:40,735
Don't shoot anybody in the chest,

1097
00:54:40,819 --> 00:54:42,988
unless it's Steve-O
and he asks you to or whatever.

1098
00:54:43,071 --> 00:54:45,073
[audience laughing]

1099
00:54:46,783 --> 00:54:49,536
If you follow those rules,
everybody has to mind their own business.

1100
00:54:49,619 --> 00:54:51,621
Same on the other side, right?

1101
00:54:51,705 --> 00:54:53,373
If you were born a female

1102
00:54:53,456 --> 00:54:55,625
and that's never made sense
with how you think,

1103
00:54:55,709 --> 00:54:57,002
or how you feel emotionally,

1104
00:54:57,085 --> 00:54:59,754
you should get to have
a penis on your body, if you want one.

1105
00:54:59,838 --> 00:55:01,589
There should be rules
and if you follow them,

1106
00:55:01,673 --> 00:55:03,008
everyone should have to shut up.

1107
00:55:03,091 --> 00:55:04,050
Those rules should be,

1108
00:55:04,134 --> 00:55:06,219
prove you're not gonna be
a psychopath with it.

1109
00:55:06,720 --> 00:55:08,888
You're not gonna wave it
in anybody's face.

1110
00:55:08,972 --> 00:55:10,015
[audience laughing]

1111
00:55:10,098 --> 00:55:12,267
Make sure
kids don't get their hands on it.

1112
00:55:12,350 --> 00:55:13,643
Don't shoot anybody in the chest,

1113
00:55:13,727 --> 00:55:16,104
unless it's Steve-O
and he asks you to or whatever.

1114
00:55:16,187 --> 00:55:18,189
[audience laughing and cheering]

1115
00:55:27,157 --> 00:55:28,950
It's so easy if we let it be.

1116
00:55:32,537 --> 00:55:34,622
I'll tell you one more story.
I was in Sacramento…

1117
00:55:34,706 --> 00:55:37,500
This is another one
where I don't know how to do transitions.

1118
00:55:37,584 --> 00:55:39,586
[audience laughing]

1119
00:55:41,880 --> 00:55:43,465
I was in Sacramento and it was flooding,

1120
00:55:43,548 --> 00:55:46,426
so I couldn't go anywhere for four days
and I was in a hotel room.

1121
00:55:46,509 --> 00:55:47,844
On the last day I was there,

1122
00:55:47,927 --> 00:55:50,180
I started watching
the Minnesota Vikings play the Giants.

1123
00:55:50,263 --> 00:55:51,389
I was watching that game,

1124
00:55:51,931 --> 00:55:54,184
and then there was a knock at my door.

1125
00:55:54,267 --> 00:55:56,353
And I hadn't seen anyone for four days.

1126
00:55:56,436 --> 00:55:57,645
I was very lonely.

1127
00:55:57,729 --> 00:56:00,065
So normally when someone knocks
on my hotel room door,

1128
00:56:00,148 --> 00:56:02,150
I Mission Impossible-shimmy

1129
00:56:02,984 --> 00:56:04,861
and listen to figure out who's out there.

1130
00:56:04,944 --> 00:56:07,822
Not this time. I was like,
"It's company. Hey!"

1131
00:56:08,323 --> 00:56:11,368
It was two armed security guards,
with their hands already on their guns.

1132
00:56:11,451 --> 00:56:12,660
They were positioned like this,

1133
00:56:12,744 --> 00:56:14,788
and their flippy thing
was already flipped up.

1134
00:56:14,871 --> 00:56:16,623
So all they had to do is that
with their gun.

1135
00:56:16,706 --> 00:56:19,501
Now I was holding the door like this,
you couldn't see my hand.

1136
00:56:19,584 --> 00:56:21,211
That's how you open a hotel room door.

1137
00:56:21,294 --> 00:56:24,714
They kept looking at my hand weird,
so I go, "Mm-mm. What's happening?"

1138
00:56:25,882 --> 00:56:27,050
He goes, "Let go of the door."

1139
00:56:27,133 --> 00:56:29,719
I said, "I can't. It'll shut
and bullets go through doors."

1140
00:56:29,803 --> 00:56:31,888
[audience laughing]

1141
00:56:31,971 --> 00:56:33,223
He goes, "Better figure it out."

1142
00:56:33,306 --> 00:56:36,017
I said, "Can I move my hand?"
And the guy goes, "Go for it."

1143
00:56:36,101 --> 00:56:38,478
-[audience exclaiming]
-Well, no.

1144
00:56:38,561 --> 00:56:40,563
I'm not playing that game, High Noon.

1145
00:56:41,356 --> 00:56:45,276
So I put my foot down to block the door
and I magician'd my hand out like this.

1146
00:56:46,152 --> 00:56:48,530
Just trying to get 'em to smile.
I even made all the noises.

1147
00:56:48,613 --> 00:56:50,740
I was like, "Uh-ba-bam!"

1148
00:56:51,491 --> 00:56:53,701
He goes, "What are you doing?"
I go, "What are you doing?"

1149
00:56:54,577 --> 00:56:56,621
He goes, "We have
a domestic disturbance complaint

1150
00:56:56,704 --> 00:56:57,539
about this room."

1151
00:56:57,622 --> 00:56:59,290
And I go, "Mm-mm. Not this one."

1152
00:56:59,999 --> 00:57:01,709
"I've been here all by myself
for four days."

1153
00:57:01,793 --> 00:57:04,504
"Don't believe me? Come in here
and try to bend this sock."

1154
00:57:04,587 --> 00:57:06,381
[audience laughing]

1155
00:57:09,092 --> 00:57:10,135
Right? I mean…

1156
00:57:12,804 --> 00:57:15,432
I'm just trying to get 'em to smile.
They have guns.

1157
00:57:16,766 --> 00:57:18,435
And so they don't even smirk,

1158
00:57:19,477 --> 00:57:21,771
they go, "We have to come in,
make sure no one is in there."

1159
00:57:21,855 --> 00:57:22,981
I'm like, "Yeah, go for it."

1160
00:57:23,064 --> 00:57:24,607
I get out of the way.
One guy passes me.

1161
00:57:24,691 --> 00:57:26,401
The other guy comes
like he's gonna pass me,

1162
00:57:26,484 --> 00:57:27,652
and he stops right by me.

1163
00:57:27,735 --> 00:57:30,780
He looks at me and goes,
"And we're not touching the sock."

1164
00:57:30,864 --> 00:57:32,699
[audience laughing]

1165
00:57:33,408 --> 00:57:36,536
I'm like, "Yeah, man. There's no sock.
Relax, that was a joke."

1166
00:57:37,954 --> 00:57:38,997
So we get in there,

1167
00:57:40,290 --> 00:57:41,624
and he goes, "Open the closet."

1168
00:57:41,708 --> 00:57:43,793
I open it and the guy goes,
"Do it slower."

1169
00:57:44,294 --> 00:57:46,212
[audience laughing]

1170
00:57:46,296 --> 00:57:48,465
What kind of dirty tape are we making?

1171
00:57:49,841 --> 00:57:51,342
Why would he want me to do it slower

1172
00:57:51,426 --> 00:57:55,054
and then I thought, "Do they really think
I'm a magician because of this shit?"

1173
00:57:55,930 --> 00:57:57,515
They think there was someone in there,

1174
00:57:57,599 --> 00:57:59,601
I'm like, "Yeah, but not anymore!"

1175
00:57:59,684 --> 00:58:01,686
[audience laughing]

1176
00:58:06,858 --> 00:58:08,860
[audience laughing and cheering]

1177
00:58:08,943 --> 00:58:09,819
Ridiculous.

1178
00:58:12,363 --> 00:58:15,241
They go, "We gotta go in the bathroom."
I go, "Let's go. Nobody's in here."

1179
00:58:15,325 --> 00:58:16,701
They go, "Open the shower curtain."

1180
00:58:16,784 --> 00:58:19,621
I start to slide it but I go,
"How slow you want me to open this one?"

1181
00:58:19,704 --> 00:58:21,039
[audience laughing]

1182
00:58:21,122 --> 00:58:25,418
"Oh-ho, you like that, daddies?"

1183
00:58:25,502 --> 00:58:27,504
[audience laughing]

1184
00:58:28,505 --> 00:58:31,716
He goes, "Knock it off."
I go, "You knock it off. You have guns."

1185
00:58:31,799 --> 00:58:33,676
I go, "You gotta tell me what's going on."

1186
00:58:33,760 --> 00:58:36,387
He goes, "We have a witness in the hallway
that heard something."

1187
00:58:36,471 --> 00:58:38,932
I go, "I have an idea.
How about we go talk to them?"

1188
00:58:40,391 --> 00:58:43,436
So we go out in the hallway
and there is a woman standing there.

1189
00:58:43,520 --> 00:58:46,606
She says, "I was walking by this room,
and I'm positive it was this room,

1190
00:58:47,106 --> 00:58:50,568
and I heard a man yell,
'Get on the ground, bitch.'"

1191
00:58:50,652 --> 00:58:52,654
[audience laughing]

1192
00:58:54,155 --> 00:58:59,369
I was like, "I'm lonely, but that is not
something that I would ever-- Oh, no."

1193
00:58:59,452 --> 00:59:01,454
[audience laughing]

1194
00:59:02,413 --> 00:59:04,499
I go, "Is it possible
you heard a man yell,

1195
00:59:04,582 --> 00:59:06,834
'Get him on the ground, you big bitch!'

1196
00:59:06,918 --> 00:59:09,712
because I did yell that
at a Minnesota Viking defensive lineman."

1197
00:59:09,796 --> 00:59:11,798
[audience laughing loudly]

1198
00:59:13,216 --> 00:59:15,051
-"I did."
-[audience cheering]

1199
00:59:17,470 --> 00:59:20,515
"I have the under
and they are running all over us today."

1200
00:59:22,976 --> 00:59:25,353
She goes, "Oh, my God, that was it!"

1201
00:59:27,021 --> 00:59:30,191
I go, "Oh, my God.
You invited people with guns."

1202
00:59:33,027 --> 00:59:34,946
I go, "Can I go in my room?"
They go, "Go ahead."

1203
00:59:35,029 --> 00:59:37,156
So I shut the door
and I locked the deadbolt,

1204
00:59:37,240 --> 00:59:38,950
but I snapped the deadbolt
as hard as I could

1205
00:59:39,033 --> 00:59:40,577
and it echoed in the hallway.

1206
00:59:40,660 --> 00:59:43,621
And as soon as it got quiet,
I yelled, "Stay under the bed!"

1207
00:59:43,705 --> 00:59:45,707
[audience laughing and applauding]

1208
00:59:50,503 --> 00:59:52,130
You guys were absolutely incredible!

1209
00:59:52,213 --> 00:59:53,756
[audience cheering loudly]

1210
00:59:53,840 --> 00:59:56,509
Oh, my God, thank you so much.

1211
00:59:57,010 --> 01:00:01,055
Thank you. Jesus Christ.
Thank you, guys. This is unbelievable.

1212
01:00:01,139 --> 01:00:03,182
[blues rock music playing]

1213
01:00:21,451 --> 01:00:23,453
[audience cheering loudly]

1214
01:00:33,546 --> 01:00:35,548
[blues rock music continues playing]