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Downloaded from
YTS.LT

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.LT

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Thank you. Thank you.

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Thank you. Wow. Thank you very much.

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Oh.

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Thank you. Okay.

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Okay, shush.

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Thank you.

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Sh… Uh, uh, honestly,
I'm overwhelmed, but shush.

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Thank you so much.

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Thank you. Um, welcome to the show.

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It's great to be back
with a brand-new special.

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Um, my last special only dropped
on Netflix the Christmas before last.

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And in that special, I talked about
the previous special going to number one

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because of all the complaints.

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And the silly cunts did it again. I mean…

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When will they learn?
It's like… Honestly. It's…

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"Ban it. Ban it. Ban it from the…"

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Number one, everywhere. I…

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My name, like, trended
for three days that Christmas.

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I wasn't the only comedian
who trended that Christmas.

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Do you know the comedian Rosie Jones?

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She's got cerebral palsy,
and she was on a… a TV quiz show,

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and the… the trolls came out on Twitter,
going, "She's not funny."

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"You're only saying that
'cause she's disabled."

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"You're only defending her
'cause she's disabled." Back and forth.

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But that wasn't
her biggest controversy of the year.

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This is a true story.

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Earlier that year, Rosie Jones
made a documentary for Channel 4

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about her condition, her plight,
some of the trolling she gets,

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some of the insults
she gets called, right?

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And she provocatively
called the documentary,

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Am I a R*tard?

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Yeah. Great. Power to her, right.

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Now, the people who complained
were disability campaigners.

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They had a go at her.

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They went, "You can't use that word."
She went, "What? Why?"

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They said,
"Because you're physically disabled."

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"That's a derogatory term
for people with mental disabilities."

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"If you wanna use a derogatory term,
use one that describes your condition."

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So basically,
Rosie Jones said, "Am I a retard?"

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And disability campaigners said,

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"No, you're a spastic."

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That's… That's harsh, isn't it?

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I mean…

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It's context. She was…
She was using it to empower people.

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She was called that.
She didn't go, "No, that's not me."

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She… she sort of embraced it
and, you know, reclaimed the word.

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So disability campaigners are saying,
"No, you gotta be very specific."

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"Only people who are actually retarded
can use the word 'retard,'" right?

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But who's gonna tell 'em? Who's…
You know what I mean? Who's gonna…

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You're not gonna go into a room
and there's, like, Bubba sort of…

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…lying on the floor, crayoning, right?

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And you go, "All right, Bubba?"

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He goes… "Yeah?"
Oh, no, don't. Sh. Don't, don't, don't.

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It's a tightrope. Let's leave…

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He goes, "Yeah?"
You go, "You know you can say 'retard'?"

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"Why?"

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"Think, you thick cunt. Just think."

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Anyway, I think she should be allowed
to use the word, in context.

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If she can't use the word, then I…

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I've used the word now,
so I'm in trouble, again.

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Actually, I didn't use the word.
This is a point I wanna make.

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People say,
"Oh, he used the word so-and-so."

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I didn't use the word.

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Using the word
would be calling someone that word.

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That's using the word.

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I said the word
in a discussion about the fucking word.

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That should be allowed,
shouldn't it, amongst adults?

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If there's one thing we should agree on,

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whatever side
of the political fence you're on,

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we should all agree that free speech
is still a really good thing.

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It always has been…

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…and it always will be.

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But now there's factions of people going,
"No, we got it wrong. We don't like it."

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"We've changed our mind.
We don't like free speech anymore."

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"People who want free speech,
they only want free speech

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so they can go around
saying awful things."

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Which just isn't true, and even if it was,

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the good thing about free speech
is people can say awful things back.

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It's a really good system, right?

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And you can't say anything
under the laws of free speech.

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That's a total misconception.

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There are loads of caveats to free speech,
all of which I agree with, actually.

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You can't incite violence. Good rule.

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You can't slander people. Good rule.

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You can't libel people, you know?

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Fascinating fact about libel law.

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You can't libel the dead.

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So I could stand here and say,

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"Gandhi used to take it up the arse."

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If I wanted.

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Which I do. I do.

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But free speech
is the most important human right,

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from which all other rights come.

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Without free speech,
you couldn't have human rights.

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We've got free speech, in theory,

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in this country,
for a little while longer.

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We can criticize the government.
We can criticize the police.

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We should give props to a country
that allows us to do that.

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We're the envy of some countries.

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In some countries,

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you criticize the police,
you get beaten up, or worse.

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You criticize the government,
you can be thrown in jail for life.

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So they flee their oppression,
quite rightly. So would you.

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They flee and they come here.
They go, "We wanna come to England."

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We go, "Why?" They go, "Free speech."

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We go, "Come on in. Welcome.
What are you gonna do now?"

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"Go on a march." "What are you gonna say?"

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"How shit England is."

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"Cheers. Thank you. Thank you."

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That is their… That is their right.

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But I'm, um…
I'm too old now not to say what I want.

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You know? I wanna say
and do what I want all the time.

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I wanna do my favorite thing all the time.

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I don't even like doing
my second favorite thing

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if I think I could be doing
my favorite thing, you know?

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My favorite thing is play tennis.

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I play every Friday. I keep Fridays free.

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I look forward to it. I play tennis.
It sets me up for the week.

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So if ever on a Friday
I have to do my second favorite thing,

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like three weeks ago,

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attend a neighbor's kid's funeral,

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I'm like…

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"This is

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boring."

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But we all want respect, right?

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We all want respect,

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and we all wanna
raise our status in society.

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We can't help that.
That's in our evolution.

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That's group selected from when gossip
used to control the tribes, right?

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And there's still two ways
you can raise your status in society.

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One, be competent at something.

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Like, "Oh, he's a good hunter.
Go with him. He's good for the tribe."

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The other way you can raise your status
is have virtue.

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Like, "Oh, he's not a great hunter,
but he's… he's wise."

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Or "kind," or whatever. You know?

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And then, with the advent of social media,

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people suddenly discovered
they could just say they were virtuous.

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No evidence. No proof.

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Just loads of flags in their bio, right?

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And they would raise their status

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by bringing other people down,
catching other people out.

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"Look what he said.
He's not as virtuous as me."

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"Look how good I am. Look how bad…"

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That's where the term
"virtue signaling" comes from.

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And I hate it
when they bring their kids into it.

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You can believe what you want,
have opinions what you want,

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vote how you want…

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Go on a march. Great.

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But when I see
a five-year-old holding a placard,

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he doesn't know what that says.

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That's the adult, you know?
I saw someone tweet this once.

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Someone tweeted, um,

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"My four-year-old just looked up at me

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and said, 'Mummy,
why does Rishi Sunak hate poor people?'"

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Never fucking happened, right?

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But the most annoying thing
about virtue signaling

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is it's people being smug
about having the morality of the age.

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You're what you're like
'cause of where you are and when you are.

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Like, it's not brave of me
to be an atheist

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in this country in this year.

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It would have been brave 200 years ago.

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Or mental.

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And it'd be brave
in some other countries, or mental. Right?

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But people say things like,
"Oh, I'm anti-racist."

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"Yeah, well done. We all are."

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We know that's the way to be now,
but it wouldn't have always been.

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If you'd been born in a different place
or time, maybe you wouldn't have.

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They go, "No, I'd have been an anti-racist
whenever I was born."

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People say things like… They go, um,

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"Oh yeah, I'd have definitely
hidden Anne Frank."

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Would you? Would you?

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Anne Frank comes to your door, in the war.

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You open it, right?
There's Nazis everywhere, right?

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She goes, "Can I hide in here?"
You go, "Whoa. What…"

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Just facepalmed Anne Frank, like that.

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"Whoa. Wait."

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"What happens if they find you?"

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"Uh, they murder me, and you."

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"Go next door."

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"They've got a lovely big attic,
a typewriter. You're gonna love it there."

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But I'm anti-racist. Of course I am.

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But I'm willing to admit
that if I'd have been born 300 years ago,

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and I was white and wealthy,

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I'd have probably have owned slaves.

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Because… No, 'cause…

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I'd be nice to 'em, so shut up.

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I'd be… Yeah. That's right.

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I'd… I'd be the best slave owner
you've ever fucking…

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No, I would. I'd look after…

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I'd dress mine well.
I'd dress my… I'd dress my slaves…

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Yeah, I would.
I'd dress mine in little suits. Right?

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I'd… I'd go…
I'd go, "Throw those dungarees away."

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"Put a little suit on."

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All the other slaves looking. I'd go…

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And I'd go… And I'd go,
"Right, let's go to the pub, boys." Right?

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All the "white" people would go,
"You can't take your slaves to the pub."

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I'd go, "Fuck you, fascists. They're…"

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00:10:01,440 --> 00:10:04,240
"They're my slaves.
I'll do what the fuck I want with 'em."

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We'd go in the pub. The barman would go,
"You can't bring them in."

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I'd go, "Fuck you.
We're going to the saloon bar."

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We've got little suits on.

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I'm like, "You look good
in your suits, boys."

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"Wear socks. We wear socks with suits."

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I go… I go, "I'm buying the drinks.
Put your money away."

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00:10:22,040 --> 00:10:23,880
"You haven't got any money, but you know."

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00:10:23,960 --> 00:10:27,280
And then we're just having a laugh,
teasing each other, just bants.

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00:10:27,360 --> 00:10:30,600
If one of 'em got a bit too familiar,
I would have to punish him.

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Just to keep the status quo.

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00:10:32,920 --> 00:10:35,400
If he called me "gammon" or something.

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00:10:35,920 --> 00:10:38,040
Which is the only racial slur allowed now.

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00:10:38,120 --> 00:10:41,360
You can call a white person a gammon.
It's fine for some reason.

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00:10:41,440 --> 00:10:44,120
You can even be ageist.
You go, "You fucking old gammon."

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00:10:44,200 --> 00:10:46,280
And it's totally acceptable,
for some reason.

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00:10:46,360 --> 00:10:47,880
But I'm gonna reclaim the word.

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00:10:47,960 --> 00:10:50,280
You know like Black people
have reclaimed the N-word?

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00:10:50,360 --> 00:10:51,800
I'm gonna reclaim the word "gammon."

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So I'm gonna be in Carluccio's
in Hampstead, right,

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with all my white friends,

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00:10:57,360 --> 00:11:00,440
and we'd just be hanging,
going, "How you doing, my gammon?"

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00:11:00,520 --> 00:11:01,640
Right? And…

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00:11:04,600 --> 00:11:07,240
If our Black friend, Rupert, um…

224
00:11:08,480 --> 00:11:10,920
I said it was Hampstead. If… If…

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00:11:12,320 --> 00:11:16,640
If Rupert came in and went, "My gammon,"
I'd go, "You don't fucking use that word."

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00:11:19,520 --> 00:11:21,720
My point is, morality evolves.

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00:11:21,800 --> 00:11:24,760
It moves with the times,
like everything else. Just think of that.

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00:11:24,840 --> 00:11:26,440
In a few generations,

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we've gone from owning slaves being legal

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and respectable in the eyes of God

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00:11:32,240 --> 00:11:34,840
to a racist being the lowest of the low,
isn't he?

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00:11:34,920 --> 00:11:38,280
A racist is the worst person
in society these days.

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00:11:38,360 --> 00:11:40,840
Actually, a pedophile is the worst.

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00:11:40,920 --> 00:11:43,400
It goes pedophile, then racist.

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00:11:43,480 --> 00:11:44,920
A racist pedophile…

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00:11:46,560 --> 00:11:48,080
…is the worst per…

237
00:11:48,160 --> 00:11:50,760
If I met a racist pedophile, I'd go,

238
00:11:50,840 --> 00:11:53,600
"Fuck the little Black ones too,
you bigot." You know?

239
00:11:59,360 --> 00:12:01,360
Don't.

240
00:12:05,280 --> 00:12:07,480
That's fine. That's fine. It's fine.

241
00:12:09,680 --> 00:12:10,840
They…

242
00:12:10,920 --> 00:12:12,560
They won't cancel me for that.

243
00:12:15,160 --> 00:12:17,720
They've been trying to cancel me
for about 15 years,

244
00:12:17,800 --> 00:12:19,200
and they've always failed.

245
00:12:19,280 --> 00:12:21,600
And often, the people trying to cancel me

246
00:12:21,680 --> 00:12:24,600
have been other comedians, writing
for the posh papers, doing that thing…

247
00:12:24,680 --> 00:12:26,840
They always say, "He's punching down."

248
00:12:26,920 --> 00:12:29,760
"Comedy should punch up.
We only punch up. We punch up."

249
00:12:29,840 --> 00:12:33,040
Their idea of punching up,
they have a go at Boris Johnson.

250
00:12:33,120 --> 00:12:34,840
How the fuck is that punching up?

251
00:12:34,920 --> 00:12:36,000
You know?

252
00:12:36,080 --> 00:12:37,840
The cunt is learning disabled.

253
00:12:37,920 --> 00:12:39,080
He's like…

254
00:12:40,000 --> 00:12:42,760
…this fucking waterlogged Gary Busey,

255
00:12:42,840 --> 00:12:46,200
fucking albino-egg-man thing.

256
00:12:46,280 --> 00:12:49,280
He can't string a sentence together.
Have you heard him talk?

257
00:12:49,360 --> 00:12:51,080
He's like…

258
00:12:51,160 --> 00:12:52,600
He's a fucking moron, right?

259
00:12:52,680 --> 00:12:55,120
I… No, I punch up.

260
00:12:55,200 --> 00:12:58,360
I have a go at people like,
I don't know, Stephen Hawking, right?

261
00:12:58,440 --> 00:13:00,240
Yes, the greatest brain that's ever lived.

262
00:13:00,320 --> 00:13:02,000
You can have a… He can take it.

263
00:13:02,080 --> 00:13:04,520
And he wouldn't even have minded
when he was alive, 'cause he's…

264
00:13:04,600 --> 00:13:06,360
He's part robot, isn't he? I think…

265
00:13:06,880 --> 00:13:09,200
He's basically a talking chair,
so you can say…

266
00:13:09,280 --> 00:13:11,560
…what you want, but…

267
00:13:11,640 --> 00:13:14,400
And he was on Epstein's island,
apparently, so fuck him.

268
00:13:14,480 --> 00:13:16,040
I don't…

269
00:13:16,120 --> 00:13:19,240
What was he doing there?
Why did he want… "I wanna go…" "Why?"

270
00:13:19,320 --> 00:13:21,040
"Why do you…" "Why?"

271
00:13:21,120 --> 00:13:24,040
He's just there, doing fuck…
I would go, "What?"

272
00:13:24,120 --> 00:13:26,600
I know pedos
who'd kill for a ticket to that.

273
00:13:26,680 --> 00:13:29,320
And he's just taking up a space.

274
00:13:29,400 --> 00:13:32,960
It's probably DEI or something,
and they go, "We… we need one."

275
00:13:33,040 --> 00:13:35,680
Like… I would go,
"What are you doing here, Steve?"

276
00:13:35,760 --> 00:13:37,600
He'd go, "I'm thinking weird shit."

277
00:13:37,680 --> 00:13:39,520
Fuck off.

278
00:13:43,760 --> 00:13:45,840
That… that is probably a hate crime.

279
00:13:45,920 --> 00:13:47,440
That is, isn't it?

280
00:13:48,760 --> 00:13:50,920
It's a big buzzword at the moment,
"hate crime."

281
00:13:51,000 --> 00:13:53,680
Whatever happens, someone always goes,
"Was it a hate crime?"

282
00:13:53,760 --> 00:13:55,600
"Why?" "Makes it so much worse."

283
00:13:55,680 --> 00:13:56,720
Does it? Why?

284
00:13:56,800 --> 00:13:59,400
If I was walking home tonight,
and someone randomly jumped me,

285
00:13:59,480 --> 00:14:02,600
beat me up, mugged me,
stabbed me, threw acid in my face,

286
00:14:02,680 --> 00:14:04,080
I wake up in intensive care…

287
00:14:04,160 --> 00:14:06,280
Beep, beep, beep.

288
00:14:06,360 --> 00:14:08,960
I open my eyes through the bandages.
There's a policeman.

289
00:14:09,040 --> 00:14:10,840
He goes, "Mr. Gervais?" I go, "Yeah."

290
00:14:10,920 --> 00:14:13,480
He goes, "We just wanna let you know,
it wasn't a hate crime."

291
00:14:13,560 --> 00:14:16,240
I go, "Oh, thank God for that."

292
00:14:17,400 --> 00:14:19,320
Pretty hateful, innit? Right? Like…

293
00:14:19,400 --> 00:14:23,760
But no, a hate crime is something
that's based on your race,

294
00:14:23,840 --> 00:14:26,240
disability, sexuality.

295
00:14:26,320 --> 00:14:29,400
So a guy with a gun,
he wants to kill someone at random.

296
00:14:29,480 --> 00:14:32,040
He sees a crowd.
He goes, "Eeny, meeny, miny, moe."

297
00:14:32,120 --> 00:14:33,360
Bang. Kills someone dead.

298
00:14:33,440 --> 00:14:36,520
He goes to court. The judge goes,
"Why did you kill that person?"

299
00:14:36,600 --> 00:14:37,880
He goes, "No reason."

300
00:14:37,960 --> 00:14:40,600
The judge goes, "So you're not a bigot?"
He goes, "Oh no."

301
00:14:40,680 --> 00:14:42,120
Judge goes, "Aw."

302
00:14:43,560 --> 00:14:44,600
"Ten years."

303
00:14:44,680 --> 00:14:48,720
Some other guy's got a gun. He goes,
"I fucking hate dwarves." All right?

304
00:14:50,200 --> 00:14:52,440
He sees a little dwarf.
He takes aim. Bang.

305
00:14:52,520 --> 00:14:54,040
Kills the dwarf dead. Right?

306
00:14:54,120 --> 00:14:57,000
He goes to court. The judge goes,
"Why did you kill that dwarf?"

307
00:14:57,080 --> 00:14:59,000
He goes, "'Cause I hate the little cunts."

308
00:14:59,080 --> 00:15:00,080
All right?

309
00:15:00,160 --> 00:15:02,440
Judge goes, "You're a bigot.
Twenty years."

310
00:15:02,520 --> 00:15:04,880
Now, he shouldn't get more
for shooting a dwarf.

311
00:15:04,960 --> 00:15:07,920
If anything, it's a harder shot, innit?

312
00:15:08,000 --> 00:15:10,000
He's done a…

313
00:15:11,560 --> 00:15:14,840
If I was that judge, I'd go, "Wait. What?
You shot a dwarf at 100 meters?"

314
00:15:14,920 --> 00:15:17,440
"Yeah." "Fucking props. That is…"

315
00:15:18,800 --> 00:15:20,120
"Five years."

316
00:15:20,640 --> 00:15:22,800
"In the army. Get him in the army."

317
00:15:24,720 --> 00:15:27,360
I feel bad about that joke,
'cause I was reading about

318
00:15:27,440 --> 00:15:30,960
the… the tough time
dwarves have had through history.

319
00:15:31,040 --> 00:15:33,480
In medieval times,
they used to torture 'em and kill 'em.

320
00:15:33,560 --> 00:15:35,760
They used to put 'em
in barrels with spikes

321
00:15:35,840 --> 00:15:38,240
and roll 'em down the hill for a laugh.

322
00:15:38,320 --> 00:15:40,600
Then in Victorian times,
they'd stick 'em in the circus

323
00:15:40,680 --> 00:15:43,080
and make 'em do dangerous fucking things.

324
00:15:43,160 --> 00:15:46,120
And then, as late as the 1980s,

325
00:15:46,200 --> 00:15:50,440
right, I remember colleges
used to have events like dwarf-throwing,

326
00:15:50,520 --> 00:15:53,160
where they were like darts on a thing.

327
00:15:53,240 --> 00:15:54,240
Or dwarf bowling.

328
00:15:54,320 --> 00:15:56,960
And eventually someone said,
"What the fuck are we doing?"

329
00:15:57,040 --> 00:16:01,600
"Can we stop making dwarves do shit
for our entertainment?"

330
00:16:01,680 --> 00:16:02,520
And it stopped.

331
00:16:02,600 --> 00:16:05,800
And now it's back.
Now they're in the Special Olympics.

332
00:16:05,880 --> 00:16:07,120
Now they've got a… Yeah.

333
00:16:07,200 --> 00:16:10,040
They go… They're going,
"Let's race 'em, and…"

334
00:16:10,120 --> 00:16:12,000
Yeah. Yeah.

335
00:16:12,080 --> 00:16:15,600
They're going, "Let's throw 'em
in the water and see if they can swim."

336
00:16:16,840 --> 00:16:18,640
They can. They can. So…

337
00:16:20,400 --> 00:16:23,000
It needs a bit of work, that one.
I don't know if…

338
00:16:24,640 --> 00:16:27,400
People don't realize
how much goes into one of these tours.

339
00:16:27,480 --> 00:16:30,840
My last tour,
I did 60 new-material nights.

340
00:16:30,920 --> 00:16:33,480
Then I did, like,
25 work-in-progress shows.

341
00:16:33,560 --> 00:16:39,000
Then I did an 85-day arena tour
around the world, honing it all the time.

342
00:16:39,080 --> 00:16:42,840
One critic, sat at his kitchen table,
said, "Lazy."

343
00:16:44,000 --> 00:16:46,320
He called me immature and vulgar.

344
00:16:46,400 --> 00:16:47,760
Four-eyed cunt.

345
00:16:52,160 --> 00:16:54,480
I'm at that age now
where everything annoys me.

346
00:16:54,560 --> 00:16:55,760
I say this once a day.

347
00:16:55,840 --> 00:16:59,120
I go, "Why don't things
just fucking work?"

348
00:16:59,200 --> 00:17:00,800
You know? Whatever it is.

349
00:17:00,880 --> 00:17:03,320
The remote control for the TV.
Working fine.

350
00:17:03,400 --> 00:17:04,440
You go back to it.

351
00:17:04,520 --> 00:17:07,680
"What… what's happened
in the last fucking ten seconds? Why…"

352
00:17:08,200 --> 00:17:11,000
The phone signal
where I live in Hampstead is shit.

353
00:17:11,080 --> 00:17:13,680
I walk around the mansion going,
"Can you hear me now?"

354
00:17:13,760 --> 00:17:15,760
D'you know?

355
00:17:16,840 --> 00:17:19,520
If you make a phone call
in the cobbled streets of Hampstead,

356
00:17:19,600 --> 00:17:21,960
you can have five bars,
having a chat, lovely.

357
00:17:22,040 --> 00:17:24,880
You go one step in the wrong direction…

358
00:17:24,960 --> 00:17:27,080
Do you know why the phone signal's
so shit in Hampstead?

359
00:17:27,160 --> 00:17:28,880
Because everyone's posh there,

360
00:17:28,960 --> 00:17:31,400
and no one wants
one of those pylons in their garden,

361
00:17:31,480 --> 00:17:33,400
'cause they look shit and give you cancer.

362
00:17:33,480 --> 00:17:34,920
But I've said to the council,

363
00:17:35,000 --> 00:17:37,680
let's find a blind person
who's already got cancer…

364
00:17:40,960 --> 00:17:43,560
Put it in their garden.
Don't even fucking tell 'em.

365
00:17:43,640 --> 00:17:44,960
Don't even…

366
00:17:51,240 --> 00:17:54,480
But never mind inanimate objects.
People annoy me the most.

367
00:17:54,560 --> 00:17:56,360
Ugh. I say this once a day as well.

368
00:17:56,440 --> 00:17:59,520
I go, "There's always someone
who fucking ruins it." You know?

369
00:17:59,600 --> 00:18:02,920
Like, we were on a flight
to San Francisco a while ago,

370
00:18:03,000 --> 00:18:04,200
me and Jane, right?

371
00:18:04,280 --> 00:18:05,680
We took off, right?

372
00:18:05,760 --> 00:18:09,040
First class. Seatbelt signs, ding.
Drinks are served. Lovely.

373
00:18:09,120 --> 00:18:12,400
Then this woman, about two rows back,
she gets out her laptop.

374
00:18:12,480 --> 00:18:14,800
She starts banging out
something really important.

375
00:18:14,880 --> 00:18:16,840
She's wearing fucking bangles.

376
00:18:16,920 --> 00:18:18,720
They're like smashing against… I…

377
00:18:18,800 --> 00:18:21,680
It's driving me mad.
It sounded like fucking Morris dancing.

378
00:18:21,760 --> 00:18:23,200
It was driving me…

379
00:18:23,280 --> 00:18:26,960
But I know it's not illegal.
I can't go over, "Bangle Police."

380
00:18:27,040 --> 00:18:29,840
So I just have to suffer in silence

381
00:18:29,920 --> 00:18:31,320
and hope we crash.

382
00:18:31,400 --> 00:18:32,640
That is…

383
00:18:32,720 --> 00:18:34,160
That is how I get over things now.

384
00:18:34,240 --> 00:18:36,280
If someone's really annoying me,
I just stare at 'em,

385
00:18:36,360 --> 00:18:39,920
and I just imagine us both dead
one day, and it sort of…

386
00:18:40,000 --> 00:18:43,120
Here I was thinking…
The pilot going, "We're going down."

387
00:18:43,200 --> 00:18:45,240
The plane was going down, we're gonna die,

388
00:18:45,320 --> 00:18:48,360
and I look over, and she's going, "Agh!"
and I go…

389
00:18:50,080 --> 00:18:52,760
And the plane smashes into a mountain,
and we're all fucking burnt,

390
00:18:52,840 --> 00:18:54,360
but I live one second long enough

391
00:18:54,440 --> 00:18:56,760
just to look over
and see her totally fucked.

392
00:19:00,720 --> 00:19:03,400
Whatever gets you through, you know?

393
00:19:05,680 --> 00:19:08,680
So we got to San Francisco,
and we went on a little day trip.

394
00:19:08,760 --> 00:19:12,000
We went to this place called Sausalito,
this lovely little harbor town.

395
00:19:12,080 --> 00:19:13,720
We're walking around, sightseeing,

396
00:19:13,800 --> 00:19:16,160
but about 11:00 a.m.,
'cause of the jet lag, we were starving.

397
00:19:16,240 --> 00:19:18,040
We thought, "Oh, we need lunch."

398
00:19:18,120 --> 00:19:20,240
So we found this restaurant
that was open at 11:00 a.m.

399
00:19:20,320 --> 00:19:23,720
Empty, of course, which is my idea
of a perfect restaurant. Empty. Right?

400
00:19:24,240 --> 00:19:27,360
We sat by the window.
We were looking out over the bay.

401
00:19:27,440 --> 00:19:30,360
There was a sea lion bobbing round.
A pelican landed.

402
00:19:30,440 --> 00:19:33,160
The waiter brings our food.
It's… Oh, it's…

403
00:19:33,240 --> 00:19:36,720
Then suddenly,
in all that peace and perfection,

404
00:19:36,800 --> 00:19:39,600
out of the kitchen doors comes a busboy,

405
00:19:39,680 --> 00:19:42,520
and he just stands
in this empty restaurant, and he goes…

406
00:19:48,600 --> 00:19:49,800
I looked at him.

407
00:19:49,880 --> 00:19:52,440
I looked at Jane.
Jane didn't even look up.

408
00:19:52,520 --> 00:19:55,080
She just went,
"Nothing we can do." Like that.

409
00:19:58,040 --> 00:20:01,800
So I'm all alone, right? And the…
And the sweat starts. I just get a sweat.

410
00:20:01,880 --> 00:20:05,160
I go, "Okay, he's gonna do it again."
Sure enough, he… Like that.

411
00:20:05,240 --> 00:20:07,840
I bang my fork against the plate,
and I just look at him.

412
00:20:07,920 --> 00:20:10,360
Jane goes, "He doesn't know
why you're staring at him."

413
00:20:10,440 --> 00:20:12,360
I go, "I want him to know.
To go, 'Are you okay?'"

414
00:20:12,440 --> 00:20:14,920
I'll go, "Not really."
"You keep doing that."

415
00:20:15,600 --> 00:20:19,000
Jane goes, "For heaven's sake,
he's a busboy. He's at work."

416
00:20:19,080 --> 00:20:20,320
"Let's just eat and go."

417
00:20:20,400 --> 00:20:21,800
So meal ruined, right?

418
00:20:22,320 --> 00:20:24,360
And I wasn't allowed to do anything.

419
00:20:24,440 --> 00:20:27,720
So this is how I got through
the last ten minutes of that meal.

420
00:20:27,800 --> 00:20:29,920
This is absolutely true.
Right? I'm eating.

421
00:20:30,000 --> 00:20:32,320
Every time he went… …I went, "Cunt!"

422
00:20:39,000 --> 00:20:41,120
That is what you get.
That is what you get.

423
00:20:46,960 --> 00:20:50,040
I did want this show
to be more highbrow than this.

424
00:20:51,080 --> 00:20:55,640
Joking aside, I think this is my most
honest and confessional show so far.

425
00:20:55,720 --> 00:20:58,640
Not in an Edinburgh-fringe type way,
you know what I mean?

426
00:20:58,720 --> 00:21:01,480
"Oh, my parents died,
so I went all autistic."

427
00:21:01,560 --> 00:21:03,040
None of the…

428
00:21:03,680 --> 00:21:05,400
None of that shit, right?

429
00:21:06,440 --> 00:21:09,200
My parents did die,
but I'm pretty sure I'm not autistic,

430
00:21:09,280 --> 00:21:11,440
'cause once,
someone gave me a Rubik's Cube,

431
00:21:11,520 --> 00:21:13,480
and I put it straight in the fucking bin.

432
00:21:18,440 --> 00:21:20,720
I think that is the test.

433
00:21:23,960 --> 00:21:27,800
No, um, it's called Mortality,
but it's a… it's a positive show,

434
00:21:27,880 --> 00:21:29,640
um, I think, and it's…

435
00:21:29,720 --> 00:21:31,920
I wanna tell you
some of the things I've learned,

436
00:21:32,000 --> 00:21:35,560
what it's like to be me at this age,
'cause I'm getting old now.

437
00:21:35,640 --> 00:21:37,680
See? That's silence, for the first year.

438
00:21:37,760 --> 00:21:41,120
Up until this year, people would go,
"You're not old." Now they go, "Go on."

439
00:21:41,200 --> 00:21:43,640
Like that. It's like…
In fact, they make it worse.

440
00:21:43,720 --> 00:21:47,840
They say things like, "Oh yeah,
but the good thing about getting old is

441
00:21:47,920 --> 00:21:49,760
you don't care
what people think about you."

442
00:21:49,840 --> 00:21:53,920
Well, you should care a bit,
because caring what people think about you

443
00:21:54,000 --> 00:21:56,880
is what stops you walking around
with shit down your trousers.

444
00:21:58,120 --> 00:21:59,480
"Oh, look at Grandad."

445
00:21:59,560 --> 00:22:00,560
"Look, he…"

446
00:22:01,040 --> 00:22:03,400
"He doesn't care
what people think about him."

447
00:22:04,000 --> 00:22:06,920
No, he's wanking at a wedding.
He doesn't, no.

448
00:22:10,200 --> 00:22:12,440
But, as I say,
it's a… it's a positive show.

449
00:22:12,520 --> 00:22:16,240
It's not all doom and gloom, getting old.
There's good and bad to getting old.

450
00:22:16,320 --> 00:22:19,160
There really is.
There's good and bad to getting old.

451
00:22:19,240 --> 00:22:21,200
For example, yes, there's more chance now

452
00:22:21,280 --> 00:22:24,120
of me having a heart attack,
having a stroke, getting cancer,

453
00:22:24,200 --> 00:22:26,080
but much less chance now

454
00:22:26,160 --> 00:22:28,120
of me ever being raped in prison.

455
00:22:28,200 --> 00:22:29,520
Yeah. See?

456
00:22:30,680 --> 00:22:34,360
When I was a young man,
I thought, "Fuck, I can never go to jail,

457
00:22:34,440 --> 00:22:36,600
not with this cute ass." Right?

458
00:22:37,160 --> 00:22:39,800
But now, I'd be pretty confident
I'd be left alone.

459
00:22:39,880 --> 00:22:42,480
You know, like, I'd go down the corridor,
my first day,

460
00:22:42,560 --> 00:22:44,320
with my little towel, whistling along.

461
00:22:44,400 --> 00:22:47,280
They'd all come to the bars and go, "Ugh."
You know what I mean?

462
00:22:48,320 --> 00:22:50,840
I'd spend as much time
as I wanted in the shower.

463
00:22:53,480 --> 00:22:55,760
No one's even looking.
Not a sniff, nothing.

464
00:22:56,720 --> 00:23:00,120
The big danger for me, these days,
bending over in a prison shower,

465
00:23:00,200 --> 00:23:02,120
would be my back going, right?

466
00:23:02,200 --> 00:23:05,280
And just crumpling to the floor
and having to be helped to my bunk

467
00:23:05,360 --> 00:23:07,320
by two big, gay rapists, and they just…

468
00:23:07,400 --> 00:23:09,840
…put me down naked and leave.

469
00:23:09,920 --> 00:23:12,200
I go, "Lads, before you go,
I've done my shoulder in."

470
00:23:12,280 --> 00:23:14,320
"Can you… A little tug?" All right?

471
00:23:14,840 --> 00:23:15,960
They go, "Nah."

472
00:23:16,040 --> 00:23:19,120
I go, "What do you mean, 'no'?
You're literally gay rapists."

473
00:23:19,200 --> 00:23:20,200
They go,

474
00:23:20,280 --> 00:23:21,600
"We're not monsters."

475
00:23:24,040 --> 00:23:27,640
I'd also be more confident going to jail
'cause I've got a bit of cash.

476
00:23:27,720 --> 00:23:29,880
I reckon I could buy my way out of danger.

477
00:23:29,960 --> 00:23:33,520
Like, the first day, I'd go,
"Right, who's in charge? Who's Mr. Big?"

478
00:23:33,600 --> 00:23:35,520
And they'd go, "Chopper Harris, D-Wing."

479
00:23:35,600 --> 00:23:37,600
So I go and see Chopper,
and I go, "Right."

480
00:23:37,680 --> 00:23:40,160
I said, "Right, I'm in for a year."

481
00:23:40,240 --> 00:23:43,720
There's a million pounds waiting for you
if you make sure no one beats me up,

482
00:23:43,800 --> 00:23:44,880
steals my food,

483
00:23:44,960 --> 00:23:46,640
no one so much as fingers me.

484
00:23:51,120 --> 00:23:53,200
I've never said that before. I've never…

485
00:23:54,560 --> 00:23:58,000
Chopper would be like,
"There's no foreplay in jail, mate."

486
00:24:03,080 --> 00:24:04,000
I'm at that age

487
00:24:04,080 --> 00:24:06,920
where I'm glad we haven't got
a Harold Shipman knocking round.

488
00:24:07,000 --> 00:24:08,200
Do you know what I mean?

489
00:24:08,280 --> 00:24:11,560
Those of you too young to know
who Harold Shipman is, right,

490
00:24:11,640 --> 00:24:15,160
he is our most prolific
serial killer. Right?

491
00:24:15,240 --> 00:24:18,520
He killed 300 people.
He killed old people. That's my point.

492
00:24:18,600 --> 00:24:21,200
He'd have his eye on me.
"I'll give him a few more years."

493
00:24:21,280 --> 00:24:22,680
And he was a doctor, right?

494
00:24:22,760 --> 00:24:25,240
But the reason
you haven't heard of him, right,

495
00:24:25,320 --> 00:24:30,080
is because he never appears in those lists
of the worst serial killers.

496
00:24:30,160 --> 00:24:32,760
And he was, like, one of the worst ever.

497
00:24:32,840 --> 00:24:35,600
But he… he didn't act
like a serial killer. Right?

498
00:24:35,680 --> 00:24:37,600
He was a GP. He was old school.

499
00:24:37,680 --> 00:24:39,960
He had a little shirt and tie,
little tweed jacket,

500
00:24:40,040 --> 00:24:41,720
little beard, little glasses.

501
00:24:41,800 --> 00:24:42,920
He'd do house visits.

502
00:24:43,000 --> 00:24:45,000
He'd go round to see Edna, 85.

503
00:24:45,080 --> 00:24:48,000
"You all right, Edna?" "Yeah."
"Cup of tea?" "Yes, please."

504
00:24:48,080 --> 00:24:50,280
And he'd make Edna a lovely cup of tea.

505
00:24:50,360 --> 00:24:53,160
Then he'd just put in
a lethal amount of opioids, right,

506
00:24:53,680 --> 00:24:56,200
and he'd just give Edna the tea
and watch her drink it

507
00:24:56,280 --> 00:24:59,240
and fall asleep and die, and that was it.

508
00:24:59,320 --> 00:25:00,680
He didn't even masturbate.

509
00:25:00,760 --> 00:25:01,840
You know?

510
00:25:01,920 --> 00:25:04,040
Yes, it is a waste, sir. Yeah.

511
00:25:05,880 --> 00:25:07,920
You… dirty bastard.

512
00:25:08,800 --> 00:25:09,800
That's…

513
00:25:10,560 --> 00:25:12,560
And, um…

514
00:25:12,640 --> 00:25:15,120
They reckon he got the idea
when he was a little lad.

515
00:25:15,200 --> 00:25:17,280
Harold Shipman, little Harold Shipman,

516
00:25:17,360 --> 00:25:20,720
he watched his mum, dying of lung cancer,
being given morphine.

517
00:25:20,800 --> 00:25:24,320
Something triggered in him. He thought,
"I'll become a doctor, and I'll do this."

518
00:25:24,400 --> 00:25:27,880
I don't know whether it means
that he liked the way the morphine

519
00:25:27,960 --> 00:25:31,320
put his mum out of pain,
so these were like mercy killings.

520
00:25:31,400 --> 00:25:34,200
Like, you know, reliving the kindness.
Or the opposite.

521
00:25:34,280 --> 00:25:37,120
He was jealous of old people
who lived longer than his mum should have.

522
00:25:37,200 --> 00:25:39,480
He was punishing them.
I don't know. Doesn't matter.

523
00:25:39,560 --> 00:25:42,320
Actually, it does matter,
'cause if you can really understand

524
00:25:42,400 --> 00:25:43,880
why someone does something like that,

525
00:25:43,960 --> 00:25:48,400
you might spot the signs in the future
and stop a crime before it happens.

526
00:25:48,480 --> 00:25:51,040
I always think that
when there's a school shooting in America.

527
00:25:51,120 --> 00:25:53,680
It's usually some emo, right, who…

528
00:25:54,760 --> 00:25:57,360
…goes into a kindergarten,
kills about 30 toddlers,

529
00:25:57,440 --> 00:25:58,960
turns the gun on himself.

530
00:25:59,040 --> 00:26:01,560
And all the eyewitnesses
always say the same thing.

531
00:26:01,640 --> 00:26:04,240
They go, "Oh, he was a loner."
"He sat at the back."

532
00:26:04,320 --> 00:26:06,240
"He was shy." "He was bullied."

533
00:26:06,320 --> 00:26:08,240
Let's round those cunts up now.

534
00:26:09,560 --> 00:26:10,680
Do you know what I mean?

535
00:26:10,760 --> 00:26:14,920
It's like, go into a school,
see who the bully's smashing up, right?

536
00:26:15,000 --> 00:26:17,640
Go, "I'll take it from here, mate.
Thank you." Right?

537
00:26:18,440 --> 00:26:23,120
And drag that little dweeb off
to Borstal or jail or something.

538
00:26:23,200 --> 00:26:26,240
Go to the bully, "Go and find another."
You know what I mean? He's doing a…

539
00:26:26,800 --> 00:26:29,120
He's doing a great job.
We need more bullies.

540
00:26:29,200 --> 00:26:31,760
They're beating up future child killers.

541
00:26:31,840 --> 00:26:32,680
Every…

542
00:26:37,840 --> 00:26:40,840
You get obsessed with crime and punishment
as you get older.

543
00:26:40,920 --> 00:26:42,520
I've always been pretty interested.

544
00:26:42,600 --> 00:26:45,880
I studied philosophy at university,
and a big part of that is morality.

545
00:26:45,960 --> 00:26:48,560
And, uh, I've always been
against the death penalty.

546
00:26:48,640 --> 00:26:51,560
I was a young liberal,
and I was really anti the death penalty.

547
00:26:51,640 --> 00:26:54,720
And now I'm an old liberal,
and I'm still anti the death penalty,

548
00:26:54,800 --> 00:26:57,400
but now I love it when someone gets killed

549
00:26:57,480 --> 00:26:59,400
doing something they shouldn't
at the time.

550
00:26:59,480 --> 00:27:03,960
Like, you see a bloke in Brazil.
A hostage video.

551
00:27:04,040 --> 00:27:06,080
He's got a young girl, a gun to her head.

552
00:27:06,160 --> 00:27:08,200
He goes,
"You won't take me alive, copper."

553
00:27:08,280 --> 00:27:10,680
And then the marksman
just takes out his brain stem.

554
00:27:10,760 --> 00:27:13,040
Oh, I love that.

555
00:27:13,120 --> 00:27:15,120
Pause. Rewind. All right?

556
00:27:17,360 --> 00:27:19,760
Or when a bullfighter gets gored to death.

557
00:27:19,840 --> 00:27:22,080
That is my favorite. Right?

558
00:27:22,160 --> 00:27:24,880
Particularly when the horn
goes up the arse.

559
00:27:24,960 --> 00:27:26,320
That…

560
00:27:26,400 --> 00:27:28,320
I call that a "hole in Juan."

561
00:27:30,640 --> 00:27:31,800
Thank you. Um…

562
00:27:31,880 --> 00:27:33,680
No, don't.

563
00:27:35,880 --> 00:27:38,800
Or those… those videos
coming out of "lawless" New York.

564
00:27:38,880 --> 00:27:42,320
You see 'em on Instagram and YouTube.
It's someone with an iPhone.

565
00:27:42,400 --> 00:27:45,720
It's got someone, he's knocking over
this little convenience store.

566
00:27:45,800 --> 00:27:48,560
He's got a fucking hoodie and a knife,
and he's nicking all the booze.

567
00:27:48,640 --> 00:27:51,760
He doesn't care he's being filmed.
He's gonna get away with it.

568
00:27:51,840 --> 00:27:56,400
Then, from behind the counter,
comes a little 70-year-old Korean man

569
00:27:56,480 --> 00:27:58,520
who batters him to death with a broom.

570
00:27:58,600 --> 00:28:00,400
I fucking love that.

571
00:28:00,480 --> 00:28:03,360
I can't wait
to be a 70-year-old vigilante.

572
00:28:03,440 --> 00:28:06,400
Just walking around Hampstead
with a walking stick.

573
00:28:06,480 --> 00:28:08,640
Oh, but it's a sword.

574
00:28:09,760 --> 00:28:13,200
I'd paint it white, as well,
to look even more vulnerable. Right?

575
00:28:13,720 --> 00:28:15,080
Wear dark glasses like that.

576
00:28:15,160 --> 00:28:16,360
I'd see a gang of youths.

577
00:28:16,440 --> 00:28:19,400
I'd go over to 'em and go,
"S… Oh, s… Excuse me, guys."

578
00:28:19,480 --> 00:28:21,400
"Do you know where the Nike store is?"

579
00:28:21,480 --> 00:28:23,440
"I wanna buy some Air Jordans
with all this cash."

580
00:28:23,520 --> 00:28:26,000
And as they go for it,
"You little fucking cunts."

581
00:28:33,480 --> 00:28:35,480
But the death penalty's
not like that, is it?

582
00:28:35,560 --> 00:28:36,840
It's not in self-defense.

583
00:28:36,920 --> 00:28:40,480
It's not in the heat of the moment.
It's cold justice. You know?

584
00:28:40,560 --> 00:28:43,360
Don't matter what you've done.
You could've murdered people.

585
00:28:43,440 --> 00:28:45,760
You stand trial. They find you guilty.

586
00:28:45,840 --> 00:28:47,240
They put you on death row,

587
00:28:47,320 --> 00:28:49,840
sometimes for 10, 15 years,

588
00:28:49,920 --> 00:28:51,720
which seems unnecessarily cruel.

589
00:28:51,800 --> 00:28:53,720
Then they murder you
in front of witnesses.

590
00:28:53,800 --> 00:28:58,080
And it's from the Bible.
"An eye for an eye. A tooth for a tooth."

591
00:28:58,160 --> 00:29:01,680
The state says, "You murdered someone,
so we're gonna murder you."

592
00:29:01,760 --> 00:29:04,320
But if you rape and murder someone,

593
00:29:04,400 --> 00:29:06,280
you still only just get murdered.

594
00:29:08,880 --> 00:29:10,800
That's a loophole, innit? That's like…

595
00:29:11,920 --> 00:29:13,680
That smacks of misogyny to me.

596
00:29:13,760 --> 00:29:17,040
That's like the judge going,
"The rape was free, but we're gonna…"

597
00:29:17,760 --> 00:29:20,360
Just once, I want the judge to go,
"You raped and murdered someone,

598
00:29:20,440 --> 00:29:22,520
so you're gonna be taken from here
to a place

599
00:29:22,600 --> 00:29:24,720
where you'll be
hung by the neck and raped."

600
00:29:25,240 --> 00:29:27,320
"What, at the same time?" "Yes, yes."

601
00:29:27,400 --> 00:29:30,200
"We've got loads of volunteers
with dildos." Right?

602
00:29:30,720 --> 00:29:35,320
So he sort of goes down like that,
and he goes, "Agh! Fuck off! Fuck off!"

603
00:29:35,400 --> 00:29:37,600
"You cunt. You cunt."

604
00:29:39,720 --> 00:29:40,840
"Okay, he's dead."

605
00:29:40,920 --> 00:29:42,200
"Yeah, I know. I know."

606
00:29:48,320 --> 00:29:49,560
Oh.

607
00:29:53,240 --> 00:29:54,160
It might work.

608
00:29:55,680 --> 00:29:58,280
But the longer you live,
the grumpier you'll get.

609
00:29:58,360 --> 00:30:00,520
It's not just me.
It's gonna happen to all of you.

610
00:30:00,600 --> 00:30:02,640
'Cause the longer you live,
the more shit you see.

611
00:30:02,720 --> 00:30:05,440
And you go,
"Oh, fuck. This again. This again."

612
00:30:05,520 --> 00:30:07,120
And the more burden you carry.

613
00:30:07,200 --> 00:30:10,280
The older you get, the weaker you get,
so the burden gets heavier.

614
00:30:10,360 --> 00:30:12,040
And you go, "Oh God. This again."

615
00:30:12,120 --> 00:30:14,040
You can't die nowadays.
You know what I mean?

616
00:30:14,120 --> 00:30:16,280
You go, "Oh, thank God. I'm dying."

617
00:30:16,360 --> 00:30:17,680
Zzz! "Oh, fuck. I'm back."

618
00:30:17,760 --> 00:30:19,280
You know what I mean?

619
00:30:19,360 --> 00:30:22,360
They can transplant every organ now.
Whatever's got…

620
00:30:22,440 --> 00:30:23,840
Transplant every organ.

621
00:30:23,920 --> 00:30:27,000
Not your brain. That wouldn't make sense.
You are your brain.

622
00:30:27,080 --> 00:30:29,120
So that would be
an everything-else transplant.

623
00:30:29,200 --> 00:30:30,960
Wouldn't it? But I'd sign up for that.

624
00:30:31,040 --> 00:30:33,320
I don't care about this.
It's to get this around.

625
00:30:33,400 --> 00:30:36,400
If I could leave a million pounds
to science, so when I die…

626
00:30:36,480 --> 00:30:40,440
Supposing I died, my body's crushed,
killed instantly, but my head's intact.

627
00:30:40,520 --> 00:30:42,640
They keep that on ice.
Wait for a body donor.

628
00:30:42,720 --> 00:30:44,840
Some poor bloke gets his head crushed.

629
00:30:44,920 --> 00:30:48,080
Put my head on his body,
and I'm back, aren't I?

630
00:30:48,600 --> 00:30:52,000
Statistically, I will get a bigger penis
as well, so…

631
00:30:53,360 --> 00:30:55,960
The odds are in my favor there, trust me.

632
00:30:56,560 --> 00:30:59,880
I wake up in the future, I see the scar,
and I go, "Ooh, that's all right."

633
00:30:59,960 --> 00:31:03,600
I go, "You've always wanted a big knob."
"Yeah, I've always wanted a big knob."

634
00:31:03,680 --> 00:31:06,120
I go, "Let's have a little bit
of me time, shall we?"

635
00:31:06,200 --> 00:31:07,920
I start, but every time I look down,

636
00:31:08,000 --> 00:31:10,480
I go, "That's not my knob."
You know what I mean?

637
00:31:10,560 --> 00:31:12,560
I go, "Oh, that's not my knob."

638
00:31:12,640 --> 00:31:15,280
"Oh, that's not my knob."

639
00:31:15,360 --> 00:31:17,880
It's not my hand either.
Carry on. You know what I mean?

640
00:31:23,680 --> 00:31:27,440
I was doing an interview a while ago.
I don't think the journalist liked me.

641
00:31:27,520 --> 00:31:30,200
He asked me this question.
I thought it was rude.

642
00:31:30,280 --> 00:31:32,680
So I gave a fake answer. Right?

643
00:31:32,760 --> 00:31:36,360
He said, um, "So, uh, what have you
got planned for your funeral?"

644
00:31:36,440 --> 00:31:40,360
And I went, "Oh, um… Oh, I wanna be fed
to the lions at London Zoo."

645
00:31:40,440 --> 00:31:42,560
He went, "Really?" I went, "Yeah."

646
00:31:42,640 --> 00:31:44,880
I want the… the zookeeper

647
00:31:44,960 --> 00:31:48,360
to take out my big, fat, dead, naked,
bloated body in a wheelbarrow.

648
00:31:48,880 --> 00:31:51,360
Just dump it in the lion's den,
doof, like that.

649
00:31:51,440 --> 00:31:54,720
Loads of tourists going, "Is that
the bloke from The Office?" Like that.

650
00:31:55,840 --> 00:31:58,720
And then two big lions come out
and just start eating me.

651
00:31:58,800 --> 00:32:01,920
And lions, they start
with the soft bits of the body,

652
00:32:02,000 --> 00:32:03,440
to get inside to the rib cage.

653
00:32:03,520 --> 00:32:07,520
So they'd probably get a testicle each,
'cause that'd be the easiest available…

654
00:32:07,600 --> 00:32:11,040
By then, my testicles would be
about a yard apart, so they'd be easy…

655
00:32:11,120 --> 00:32:13,120
They'd just start eating towards me,

656
00:32:13,200 --> 00:32:14,600
like Lady and the Tramp.

657
00:32:14,680 --> 00:32:17,040
Really… …romantic.

658
00:32:18,920 --> 00:32:20,960
So I said that, as a joke,
but he believed me.

659
00:32:21,040 --> 00:32:23,400
So much so
that when he was writing up the article,

660
00:32:23,480 --> 00:32:26,320
he called London Zoo
and asked them if that would be allowed.

661
00:32:26,400 --> 00:32:29,480
And they said, "No, of course not." Right?

662
00:32:29,560 --> 00:32:33,160
So when the article came out,
the headline was

663
00:32:33,240 --> 00:32:37,160
"London Zoo refuse Ricky's request
to be fed to lions."

664
00:32:37,720 --> 00:32:39,800
Like I'm a fucking psychopath.

665
00:32:41,000 --> 00:32:43,880
My point is, you can't worry about
what happens after you die.

666
00:32:43,960 --> 00:32:47,520
Live your life. Let someone else worry.
You're dead. You've done your bit.

667
00:32:47,600 --> 00:32:51,120
I know some people who really are stressed
about what happens after they die,

668
00:32:51,200 --> 00:32:52,400
some religious people.

669
00:32:52,480 --> 00:32:55,000
And they believe in heaven and hell
and all that.

670
00:32:55,080 --> 00:32:58,400
So now they're getting a bit,
"Oh, have I been good enough?"

671
00:32:58,480 --> 00:33:01,960
"I mean, heaven's great, but hell?
Oh my God. What if I go to hell?"

672
00:33:02,040 --> 00:33:05,320
And I go, "There's no hell.
It's made up to frighten kids."

673
00:33:05,400 --> 00:33:10,120
Like, my favorite horror film of all time
is still the original Exorcist. Right?

674
00:33:10,200 --> 00:33:13,320
First time I saw it, on VHS, right,
I was blown away.

675
00:33:13,400 --> 00:33:15,720
I watched it again straightaway.
I loved it.

676
00:33:15,800 --> 00:33:18,280
There's a bit in that
that's meant to be really poignant.

677
00:33:18,360 --> 00:33:20,880
And I laughed the first time I saw it,

678
00:33:20,960 --> 00:33:25,120
because it was the idea of the devil
being this crass and childish.

679
00:33:25,200 --> 00:33:28,040
You know the bit.
The little girl's possessed by the devil.

680
00:33:28,120 --> 00:33:29,440
They're doing an exorcism.

681
00:33:29,520 --> 00:33:32,240
And they're throwing holy water on her.
She's hissing.

682
00:33:32,320 --> 00:33:34,520
They're going,
"The power of Christ compels you."

683
00:33:34,600 --> 00:33:36,240
"The power of Christ compels you."

684
00:33:36,320 --> 00:33:40,360
And at one point, the devil makes the girl
turn her head round and he makes her say,

685
00:33:40,440 --> 00:33:42,920
"Your mother sucks cocks in hell." Right?

686
00:33:44,600 --> 00:33:47,760
And the bloke, she says…
He's devastated. He's… He's like…

687
00:33:47,840 --> 00:33:51,240
'Cause he's thinking,
"Oh, that's the real devil,

688
00:33:51,320 --> 00:33:52,680
so he knows, so it's true."

689
00:33:52,760 --> 00:33:55,440
"My poor mother's sucking cocks in hell."

690
00:33:56,720 --> 00:33:58,760
If scientists actually found the devil…

691
00:33:58,840 --> 00:34:01,120
I was wrong. There is a devil.
They found the devil.

692
00:34:01,200 --> 00:34:03,960
They… they tested him.
It was peer-reviewed.

693
00:34:04,040 --> 00:34:06,160
It won the Nobel Prize
for fucking everything,

694
00:34:06,240 --> 00:34:09,240
'cause it would be
the greatest discovery of all time.

695
00:34:09,320 --> 00:34:11,720
And I'd look at the science.
I'd be mind-blown.

696
00:34:11,800 --> 00:34:15,720
But I'd go, "You gotta follow the science,
so, yeah, I believe in the devil."

697
00:34:15,800 --> 00:34:19,080
It wouldn't even be belief.
It would be knowledge. I'd wanna meet him.

698
00:34:19,160 --> 00:34:23,480
If the devil actually existed,
I'd wanna see it for my…

699
00:34:23,560 --> 00:34:26,520
As long as I was safe. I don't know
what makes you safe from the devil.

700
00:34:26,600 --> 00:34:29,360
But if he existed,
we'd find out, wouldn't we? We'd…

701
00:34:29,440 --> 00:34:31,240
Like, vampires live forever,

702
00:34:31,320 --> 00:34:33,400
but now we know
a bit of garlic really fucks 'em up.

703
00:34:33,480 --> 00:34:35,760
So we'd discover something.

704
00:34:35,840 --> 00:34:38,640
Like if you put a devil in a cage
with a sprig of parsley on top,

705
00:34:38,720 --> 00:34:40,720
he's weak or something, right?

706
00:34:40,800 --> 00:34:44,320
And I'd meet the devil, right,
and I'd go for an aud… He'd be there.

707
00:34:44,400 --> 00:34:46,400
I'd go, "Are you the devil?"
He'd go, "Yeah."

708
00:34:46,480 --> 00:34:48,320
Then he'd try to hurt my feelings.

709
00:34:48,400 --> 00:34:50,160
And that was his best shot?

710
00:34:50,240 --> 00:34:52,000
And he went, "Rick." I'd go, "What?"

711
00:34:52,080 --> 00:34:54,480
He goes, "Your mother
sucks cocks in hell."

712
00:34:54,560 --> 00:34:57,280
I'd go, "Pfft. I don't care. I don't…"

713
00:34:57,360 --> 00:34:58,880
One, she's dead.

714
00:34:58,960 --> 00:35:00,880
Two, she was heterosexual.

715
00:35:00,960 --> 00:35:03,800
Three, she never had her teeth in
towards the end, so…

716
00:35:03,880 --> 00:35:05,320
No.

717
00:35:05,400 --> 00:35:06,960
But it… But it's hell.

718
00:35:07,040 --> 00:35:09,640
Think of all the terrible things
that could be happening to her.

719
00:35:09,720 --> 00:35:12,280
Being raped by red-hot pokers.
Rats eating her eyes.

720
00:35:12,360 --> 00:35:14,440
My mum gets cock duty. Go on, girl.

721
00:35:14,520 --> 00:35:16,800
That's gotta… That…

722
00:35:16,880 --> 00:35:19,760
That has gotta be
one of the better jobs in hell.

723
00:35:19,840 --> 00:35:21,960
It's like… Terrible job on earth.

724
00:35:22,040 --> 00:35:23,960
I've never sucked a cock in my life.
I never will.

725
00:35:24,040 --> 00:35:27,120
But if I died, and I woke…
"Fuck. I'm in hell."

726
00:35:27,200 --> 00:35:28,280
Tortured for eternity.

727
00:35:28,360 --> 00:35:30,160
I'd see the first cock.
I'd go, "I'm on this."

728
00:35:32,400 --> 00:35:34,560
"Not a problem. Not a problem."

729
00:35:35,880 --> 00:35:38,400
I'd be looking round,
seeing people skinned alive, I'd go…

730
00:35:38,480 --> 00:35:39,520
I'd chow down.

731
00:35:39,600 --> 00:35:41,600
I'd fucking… Like that. I'd…

732
00:35:42,120 --> 00:35:45,720
I'd be looking over at the big man, going,
"I'm doing a great job. Leave me on this."

733
00:35:48,080 --> 00:35:50,280
And then…

734
00:35:50,920 --> 00:35:53,760
There's the devil with a clipboard,
looking a bit confused, thinking,

735
00:35:54,280 --> 00:35:56,800
"No one's ever gone
straight for the cock, but, uh…"

736
00:35:57,320 --> 00:36:00,440
And he goes, "Okay. Carry on." I'll go…

737
00:36:00,520 --> 00:36:03,520
What if he then went,
"I mean, I did have you down for ironing"?

738
00:36:03,600 --> 00:36:05,000
I'd go, "Fuck. I could…"

739
00:36:07,280 --> 00:36:08,200
"Oh, I…"

740
00:36:09,120 --> 00:36:11,920
"Oh, I could have been ironing."

741
00:36:16,200 --> 00:36:19,240
Who's getting their cock sucked in hell?
That's what I wanna know.

742
00:36:19,320 --> 00:36:22,480
'Cause we're there for punishment,
and that's a little treat.

743
00:36:22,560 --> 00:36:27,000
It's like, I'd be there, right, thinking…
Feeling a bit smug. Right?

744
00:36:27,080 --> 00:36:29,760
I'm thinking, "This is great."
Not great, but I'd be…

745
00:36:31,080 --> 00:36:32,480
But the devil's a trickster.

746
00:36:32,560 --> 00:36:35,280
One day, I'd go,
"I wonder whose cock this is." I look up.

747
00:36:35,360 --> 00:36:36,840
"Oh, it's fucking Hitler."

748
00:36:36,920 --> 00:36:38,400
"I'm fucking…"

749
00:36:38,480 --> 00:36:41,520
"I'm fucking sucking Hitler's cock."

750
00:36:42,040 --> 00:36:44,600
How is this all right,
to do this in public?

751
00:36:44,680 --> 00:36:48,040
Because if I followed
one of you home tonight

752
00:36:48,120 --> 00:36:51,840
and I shouted through your letterbox,
"Sucking fucking Hitler's cock in hell,"

753
00:36:51,920 --> 00:36:53,080
you'd call the police.

754
00:36:53,160 --> 00:36:56,400
But you've paid to hear me say this shit.

755
00:36:56,480 --> 00:36:58,200
Fucking hell.

756
00:37:09,040 --> 00:37:12,760
I'll tell you what's very popular,
um, uh, in England at the moment,

757
00:37:12,840 --> 00:37:14,960
and in America, particularly California.

758
00:37:15,040 --> 00:37:16,600
Um, mental illness.

759
00:37:16,680 --> 00:37:19,320
Oh, it's taken off.
It's taken off a treat.

760
00:37:19,400 --> 00:37:23,360
When… when I was at school,
you were either thick or clever,

761
00:37:23,440 --> 00:37:25,400
normal or mental, right?

762
00:37:25,920 --> 00:37:29,160
Now there's, like,
a thousand new mentals. Right?

763
00:37:29,240 --> 00:37:31,920
It used to be a stigma.
People would go, "I'm not mental."

764
00:37:32,000 --> 00:37:35,120
Now people go, "I'm mental."
You know? They wanna… "I'm mental."

765
00:37:35,200 --> 00:37:38,320
It's like, everyone I know in media
is ADHD.

766
00:37:38,400 --> 00:37:41,360
They go, "I'm ADHD." "I'm ADHD."
"Yeah, so am I. I'm ADHD."

767
00:37:41,440 --> 00:37:42,920
"Take the test?" "Yeah, five times."

768
00:37:43,000 --> 00:37:45,920
"Passed it on the fifth."
"Oh, well done." Right?

769
00:37:46,440 --> 00:37:49,360
And it's like… They…
"I'm writing a song about it."

770
00:37:49,440 --> 00:37:51,320
"I'm writing a poem."
"I'm writing a book."

771
00:37:51,400 --> 00:37:52,760
"Oh, well done. Yeah."

772
00:37:52,840 --> 00:37:56,320
And they brag about it.
They put it in their CV and in their…

773
00:37:56,400 --> 00:37:57,560
It's got "disorder" in it.

774
00:37:57,640 --> 00:38:00,200
When did we start bragging
about having a disorder?

775
00:38:00,280 --> 00:38:03,200
Twenty years ago, you wouldn't
have got given a business card,

776
00:38:03,280 --> 00:38:05,840
and it said, "Ron Pike, anal warts."

777
00:38:05,920 --> 00:38:07,480
You know, just…

778
00:38:08,480 --> 00:38:10,560
Keep it to yourself. No one cares.

779
00:38:11,520 --> 00:38:14,480
I think… I think
the new pandemic amongst the youth

780
00:38:14,560 --> 00:38:16,600
is gonna be fear and anxiety,

781
00:38:16,680 --> 00:38:20,120
'cause now we've had a whole generation
who grew up with social media.

782
00:38:20,200 --> 00:38:21,400
Instant gratification.

783
00:38:21,480 --> 00:38:23,840
Doesn't build character.
They're not socialized properly.

784
00:38:23,920 --> 00:38:25,840
They can't deal face-to-face with people

785
00:38:25,920 --> 00:38:28,720
'cause they're used to hiding
behind an identity and an avatar.

786
00:38:28,800 --> 00:38:31,960
And now they've got teachers and parents
enabling their mental illness,

787
00:38:32,040 --> 00:38:34,080
as opposed to trying
to snap 'em out of it.

788
00:38:34,160 --> 00:38:37,800
Now they fear the thing they once loved.
They're worried about the Internet and AI.

789
00:38:37,880 --> 00:38:40,440
Young people are really worried
about artificial intelligence.

790
00:38:40,520 --> 00:38:42,160
And I say this about AI.

791
00:38:42,240 --> 00:38:45,480
If it starts becoming a burden,
switch it off, right?

792
00:38:46,000 --> 00:38:47,520
Like we did Nan.

793
00:38:48,040 --> 00:38:49,120
And…

794
00:38:54,520 --> 00:38:57,400
Another big fear amongst the youth
is climate change.

795
00:38:57,480 --> 00:39:00,160
They're really worried
about global warming.

796
00:39:00,240 --> 00:39:03,160
I looked into it,
and if the polar ice caps completely melt,

797
00:39:03,240 --> 00:39:06,160
the sea level will go up
about 60 meters around the world.

798
00:39:06,240 --> 00:39:08,720
So all coastal areas
will be affected a bit,

799
00:39:08,800 --> 00:39:11,480
but the real devastation,
the real loss of life,

800
00:39:11,560 --> 00:39:14,440
will be in places like China and India.

801
00:39:14,520 --> 00:39:16,080
So relax. It's…

802
00:39:18,680 --> 00:39:19,600
It's fine.

803
00:39:21,080 --> 00:39:24,120
But we, um… We all suffer
from a bit of mental illness.

804
00:39:24,200 --> 00:39:27,960
We're all on the spectrum, aren't we?
All got a bit of OCD or anxiety.

805
00:39:28,040 --> 00:39:29,960
Like, I'm a hypochondriac, right?

806
00:39:30,040 --> 00:39:32,440
Every morning, I wake up
and I think, "What's wrong?"

807
00:39:32,520 --> 00:39:35,000
I go, "What's that?
That wasn't there yesterday."

808
00:39:35,080 --> 00:39:36,600
"That wasn't… What's that?"

809
00:39:36,680 --> 00:39:39,680
And I google it. I think, "What could…"
And I catastrophize as well.

810
00:39:39,760 --> 00:39:43,840
So I google it,
and the first five or six I'm fine with.

811
00:39:43,920 --> 00:39:46,160
Like, it goes, "Could be anxiety."
"Yeah, could be."

812
00:39:46,240 --> 00:39:47,760
"Lack of sleep." "I didn't sleep well."

813
00:39:47,840 --> 00:39:51,200
"Lack of fiber." "I'll have more."
"Lack of vitamin B." "I'll get a…"

814
00:39:51,280 --> 00:39:53,240
I keep pushing,
and it goes, "Could be cancer."

815
00:39:53,320 --> 00:39:56,320
I go, "It's cancer.
It's cancer." Like that.

816
00:39:56,400 --> 00:40:00,360
Once I came out of the bathroom and went,
"Jane, I think I've got bowel cancer."

817
00:40:00,440 --> 00:40:02,880
She went, "We had beetroot last night."
I go, "Oh yeah. Cheers."

818
00:40:10,280 --> 00:40:13,640
I wanna end with
a couple of true stories, if I may. Um…

819
00:40:15,120 --> 00:40:16,320
And, uh, as I said,

820
00:40:16,400 --> 00:40:19,360
I think this is my most honest
and confessional show so far,

821
00:40:19,440 --> 00:40:21,800
so I wanna talk about something
I haven't talked about before,

822
00:40:21,880 --> 00:40:24,440
and that's to give you
a glimpse behind the curtain

823
00:40:24,520 --> 00:40:26,160
of the Golden Globes.

824
00:40:26,240 --> 00:40:27,240
And, um…

825
00:40:27,320 --> 00:40:29,320
Thank you. I, uh…

826
00:40:31,960 --> 00:40:34,600
I last hosted the Golden Globes in 2020.

827
00:40:34,680 --> 00:40:36,760
It was the fifth time
over a ten-year period.

828
00:40:36,840 --> 00:40:39,200
I liked 'em more and more.
The last one was my favorite.

829
00:40:39,280 --> 00:40:42,000
'Cause the world changed
in that ten years.

830
00:40:42,080 --> 00:40:44,680
The first time I hosted 'em
in, like, 2010,

831
00:40:44,760 --> 00:40:47,840
the press of America fucking…
they hated me.

832
00:40:47,920 --> 00:40:51,840
"Who is this annoying Brit, insulting
the most important people on the planet?"

833
00:40:51,920 --> 00:40:55,800
By the last time I hosted, they were like,
"Yeah, go on, fuck 'em. Fuck 'em."

834
00:40:57,360 --> 00:41:00,760
Because ordinary people
had got sick and tired

835
00:41:00,840 --> 00:41:03,640
of being lectured
by these multi-millionaire…

836
00:41:03,720 --> 00:41:05,240
Nothing wrong with that. These…

837
00:41:06,600 --> 00:41:09,160
…liberal-elite entertainers

838
00:41:09,240 --> 00:41:11,520
telling them how to vote
and how to recycle,

839
00:41:11,600 --> 00:41:14,560
when everyone knew they were getting
free jet rides to Pedo Island.

840
00:41:14,640 --> 00:41:17,120
So it… it really hit the zeitgeist.

841
00:41:17,200 --> 00:41:19,160
It was always the same deal.
"Do you wanna host?"

842
00:41:19,240 --> 00:41:20,440
I said, "Yeah, I'll host."

843
00:41:20,520 --> 00:41:23,360
"But I'm gonna write all my own jokes,"
which was unheard of.

844
00:41:23,440 --> 00:41:26,160
"I'm gonna write my own jokes,
and I'm not gonna rehearse,

845
00:41:26,240 --> 00:41:29,520
so you can't hear the jokes beforehand,
and you can't cancel any."

846
00:41:29,600 --> 00:41:30,880
And they let me do that.

847
00:41:30,960 --> 00:41:33,960
I did have to show a lawyer the jokes
about an hour before

848
00:41:34,040 --> 00:41:35,520
to make sure I hadn't broken any laws.

849
00:41:35,600 --> 00:41:36,840
I never had. I know the law.

850
00:41:36,920 --> 00:41:40,600
Sometimes the lawyer would go,
"Are you sure you wanna say that?"

851
00:41:41,080 --> 00:41:43,720
And I'd go, "Is it legal?"
They'd go, "Yep, technically."

852
00:41:43,800 --> 00:41:44,960
I'd go, "Let's do it."

853
00:41:45,480 --> 00:41:48,160
I've never had a joke stopped
by the Golden Globes.

854
00:41:48,240 --> 00:41:50,040
That says something about them,
to be fair.

855
00:41:50,120 --> 00:41:51,680
So, um, anyway…

856
00:41:51,760 --> 00:41:53,080
Thank you, um…

857
00:41:55,880 --> 00:41:57,280
This last time, they said,

858
00:41:57,360 --> 00:41:59,440
"Oh, you've gotta see the lawyer
the day before now."

859
00:41:59,520 --> 00:42:00,680
I went, "Okay, great."

860
00:42:00,760 --> 00:42:03,240
So I was driven
to the Beverly Hills Center,

861
00:42:03,320 --> 00:42:04,680
and they're all setting up.

862
00:42:04,760 --> 00:42:07,080
The photos of the A-listers
are all in their chairs.

863
00:42:07,160 --> 00:42:10,320
I go, "Oh, there's Brad. There's Leo.
There's Bob." All this, right?

864
00:42:10,400 --> 00:42:15,160
And this big guard showed me to this room.
He opened the door and shut it behind me.

865
00:42:15,240 --> 00:42:19,200
And I looked, and there were, suddenly,
ten lawyers in suits. Uh…

866
00:42:19,720 --> 00:42:22,720
It was usually, like,
this middle-aged woman in a jumper.

867
00:42:22,800 --> 00:42:25,560
And I thought, "What the fuck's happened?"
I think…

868
00:42:25,640 --> 00:42:29,240
"Is it 'cause it's my last time?
They're making sure I don't say anything…"

869
00:42:29,320 --> 00:42:32,760
And they were… they were there,
and I went, "Hi." They went, "Hi."

870
00:42:32,840 --> 00:42:35,880
I said, "Shall I do the monologue?"
They went, "Please."

871
00:42:35,960 --> 00:42:37,240
Tough crowd, right?

872
00:42:38,960 --> 00:42:40,320
So I had the monologue.

873
00:42:40,400 --> 00:42:43,480
And I was going through it.
It was, like, seven or eight minutes long.

874
00:42:43,560 --> 00:42:47,400
So I was doing the jokes,
and after each joke, I sort of looked up,

875
00:42:47,480 --> 00:42:49,600
and they were going like that,
making notes.

876
00:42:49,680 --> 00:42:53,000
A couple of the younger ones
were going… Like that.

877
00:42:53,640 --> 00:42:56,680
And, uh, I got to the end,
and I went, "Uh, that's it."

878
00:42:56,760 --> 00:42:58,760
And they went, "Uh, good."

879
00:42:58,840 --> 00:43:00,640
I went, "Oh, great." They went, "Yeah."

880
00:43:00,720 --> 00:43:01,840
And then the head lawyer,

881
00:43:01,920 --> 00:43:04,280
he was about 60 years old,
he had white hair,

882
00:43:04,360 --> 00:43:06,440
he went, "Oh yes, there was one thing."

883
00:43:06,520 --> 00:43:08,960
Now, I did this joke.
I don't know if you remember.

884
00:43:09,040 --> 00:43:13,560
Uh, it went, "The world got to see
James Corden as a fat pussy."

885
00:43:14,720 --> 00:43:17,440
"He was also in the movie Cats,
but no one saw that."

886
00:43:17,520 --> 00:43:19,680
And it goes on.

887
00:43:19,760 --> 00:43:21,960
At one point, I go, "But Dame Judi Dench

888
00:43:22,040 --> 00:43:23,960
said it was the role
she was born to play."

889
00:43:24,040 --> 00:43:27,160
"'Cause she loves nothing better
than plonking herself down on the carpet,

890
00:43:27,240 --> 00:43:30,080
lifting her back leg,
and licking her own minge."

891
00:43:31,840 --> 00:43:35,200
So this lawyer went…

892
00:43:35,840 --> 00:43:38,360
He said, um… This is all true, by the way.

893
00:43:38,440 --> 00:43:42,520
He went, "When you say
James Corden is a fat pussy,

894
00:43:42,600 --> 00:43:44,760
that's just referring
to his role in Cats, right?"

895
00:43:44,840 --> 00:43:46,560
I went, "Yeah."

896
00:43:49,680 --> 00:43:51,440
"Yeah, definitely." Like that.

897
00:43:51,960 --> 00:43:53,960
And he went, "Okay, great."

898
00:43:54,040 --> 00:43:57,160
I thought, "This is easy."

899
00:43:57,240 --> 00:43:58,520
You know? It's, uh…

900
00:43:58,600 --> 00:44:01,440
I wanted to go,
"Call yourself a lawyer?" Right?

901
00:44:01,960 --> 00:44:05,320
And that was it. And they went,
"Have a great show," and I left.

902
00:44:05,400 --> 00:44:06,520
And as I was leaving,

903
00:44:06,600 --> 00:44:10,160
I saw one of the other lawyers lean in
and show this head lawyer his iPhone.

904
00:44:10,240 --> 00:44:11,880
And the head lawyer went, "Oh yeah."

905
00:44:11,960 --> 00:44:13,960
He went, "Sorry, Ricky.
Can you come back?"

906
00:44:14,560 --> 00:44:17,320
So I'm there. I went, "Yeah."
So he had the phone there.

907
00:44:17,400 --> 00:44:19,720
They'd looked up the word "minge."

908
00:44:21,840 --> 00:44:25,320
I thought I'd gotten away with it.
It's now like I'm getting told off.

909
00:44:25,400 --> 00:44:28,440
And the head lawyer said,
"It says here that the word 'minge'

910
00:44:28,520 --> 00:44:30,720
is a derogatory term
for female genitalia."

911
00:44:30,800 --> 00:44:35,280
I went, "Well, yeah, it's a… a slang word
for 'vagina' in England."

912
00:44:35,360 --> 00:44:36,360
"You don't use it here."

913
00:44:36,440 --> 00:44:39,120
He went, "No, we don't,
but we go out around the world,

914
00:44:39,200 --> 00:44:42,240
and with due diligence,
now we know it's derogatory,

915
00:44:42,320 --> 00:44:43,760
we'll have to bleep that word live."

916
00:44:43,840 --> 00:44:47,320
I went, "Don't bleep the word.
People at home won't know what I've said."

917
00:44:47,400 --> 00:44:49,640
"It'll ruin…"
I said, "It's literally the punchline."

918
00:44:49,720 --> 00:44:51,640
He said, "If it's derogatory, we have to."

919
00:44:51,720 --> 00:44:54,960
I said, "Well, what word could I use
that you wouldn't bleep?"

920
00:44:55,040 --> 00:44:57,520
And he went,
"Um, well, you could say 'vagina.'"

921
00:44:57,600 --> 00:45:02,200
I went, "I'm not saying 'vagina.'" Right?
Nothing funny about… It's so clinical.

922
00:45:02,280 --> 00:45:04,080
I was thinking
of Judi Dench at home going,

923
00:45:04,160 --> 00:45:06,880
"Why is he talking
about my actual vagina?" Right?

924
00:45:07,880 --> 00:45:12,480
I said, "'Minge' isn't like that.
It's like… It's not so specific."

925
00:45:12,560 --> 00:45:14,360
'Cause "vagina" is so…

926
00:45:14,440 --> 00:45:16,520
"Where's your vagina?" "There." Right?

927
00:45:17,720 --> 00:45:18,680
"Where's your minge?"

928
00:45:18,760 --> 00:45:20,480
"There." It's like…

929
00:45:23,080 --> 00:45:25,520
One of the younger lawyers went,
"What about 'box'?"

930
00:45:25,600 --> 00:45:29,600
I went, "I'm not fucking saying 'box.'"
"Imagine her licking her own box."

931
00:45:29,680 --> 00:45:32,960
I said, "'Minge' is perfect."
I said, "People won't know what…"

932
00:45:33,040 --> 00:45:36,120
"If they're American, they won't know…
It's not offensive. It's like…"

933
00:45:36,200 --> 00:45:37,400
I said, um,

934
00:45:37,480 --> 00:45:39,760
"Kids use the word in England."

935
00:45:41,640 --> 00:45:43,560
Right? They weren't having it.

936
00:45:43,640 --> 00:45:44,960
So I went… I said,

937
00:45:45,040 --> 00:45:47,080
"What about 'flange'?" Right?

938
00:45:47,600 --> 00:45:50,000
So they looked up
the word "flange." Right?

939
00:45:50,080 --> 00:45:51,760
He went, "That'd just be confusing,

940
00:45:51,840 --> 00:45:54,200
'cause in America,
a flange is a part of a sink unit."

941
00:45:54,280 --> 00:45:55,360
I went, "Oh, well…"

942
00:45:55,440 --> 00:45:58,080
I said, "Please let me say 'minge'
and don't bleep it."

943
00:45:58,160 --> 00:46:00,520
I was really rooting for "minge," right?

944
00:46:01,040 --> 00:46:05,720
It was like 12 Angry Men. I was going,
"No one's leaving till I can say 'minge.'"

945
00:46:06,920 --> 00:46:08,800
After about ten minutes, I wore them down.

946
00:46:08,880 --> 00:46:11,200
Whatever they said, "That won't work."
I was going, "Please."

947
00:46:11,280 --> 00:46:14,600
I said, "I'll write the…
You won't get any complaints." All this.

948
00:46:14,680 --> 00:46:17,920
And eventually, the head lawyer went,
"Okay, you can say 'minge.'"

949
00:46:18,000 --> 00:46:19,880
I went, "You won't bleep it?"
He went, "No."

950
00:46:19,960 --> 00:46:23,160
I went, "You promise?" He went, "Yes."
And I left. I knew they would.

951
00:46:24,120 --> 00:46:25,680
And they fucking did, right?

952
00:46:25,760 --> 00:46:27,840
So when I said "minge,"

953
00:46:27,920 --> 00:46:29,200
I pointed.

954
00:46:39,320 --> 00:46:43,200
The most frequently asked question I get
about the Golden Globes is always,

955
00:46:43,720 --> 00:46:46,760
"Was someone so angry about what you said,
they came up to you afterwards…"

956
00:46:46,840 --> 00:46:48,120
I always go, "Oh God, no."

957
00:46:48,200 --> 00:46:50,760
I wouldn't even say if that had happened,
'cause I don't really…

958
00:46:50,840 --> 00:46:53,440
I don't like gossip,
to be honest. Right? Um…

959
00:46:53,520 --> 00:46:56,720
There was one guy
I thought took it the wrong way, right?

960
00:46:56,800 --> 00:46:58,600
It wasn't a bad… No.

961
00:46:58,680 --> 00:47:01,080
The cameras went to him,
and I'm not in control of the cameras.

962
00:47:01,160 --> 00:47:03,760
He was caught in the headlights.
It was Elton John, right?

963
00:47:04,280 --> 00:47:08,080
But, um, it wasn't a bad joke.
I was introducing Madonna, okay?

964
00:47:08,160 --> 00:47:11,840
And I later found out
that him and Madonna were in this feud

965
00:47:11,920 --> 00:47:14,520
and he hated being mentioned
in the same sentence as her.

966
00:47:14,600 --> 00:47:16,760
But I didn't know at the time.
I was confused.

967
00:47:16,840 --> 00:47:20,440
And it wasn't part of the monologue,
but I'm there for, like, three hours,

968
00:47:20,520 --> 00:47:23,120
and now and again,
the stage manager would go,

969
00:47:23,200 --> 00:47:25,120
"You wanna introduce so-and-so?"
I'd go, "Yeah."

970
00:47:25,200 --> 00:47:27,600
I'd come out,
and I either do it straight or I ad-lib.

971
00:47:27,680 --> 00:47:30,840
And this was a little ad-lib,
'cause I saw Elton in the front row.

972
00:47:30,920 --> 00:47:33,480
Uh, so this was the joke.
I came out, and I said,

973
00:47:33,560 --> 00:47:36,760
"Uh, our next presenter
is the Queen of Pop."

974
00:47:36,840 --> 00:47:39,000
"Not you, Elton. Sit down." Right?

975
00:47:40,120 --> 00:47:42,000
It went to him. He went…

976
00:47:42,080 --> 00:47:43,760
And I was going,
"Oh, fuck. He hated that."

977
00:47:43,840 --> 00:47:47,360
And I was thinking, "Why has he…
Oh God. Does he think I'm homophobic?"

978
00:47:47,440 --> 00:47:49,680
"I'm not homophobic."
There's all this in my head.

979
00:47:49,760 --> 00:47:52,760
Then I thought,
"He must have heard worse." Right?

980
00:47:52,840 --> 00:47:56,520
In the 1980s, right,
when Elton John was in the closet…

981
00:47:56,600 --> 00:47:59,440
He wasn't out.
He was married to a woman. Right?

982
00:47:59,520 --> 00:48:01,720
He was also chairman
of Watford Football Club.

983
00:48:01,800 --> 00:48:05,600
And he and his then wife would go along
and watch Watford play,

984
00:48:05,680 --> 00:48:07,600
and the entire crowd would sing,

985
00:48:07,680 --> 00:48:11,400
"Don't bend down when Elton's around
or you might get a willy up your arse."

986
00:48:14,520 --> 00:48:17,440
Which puts my little quip
into perspective, doesn't it?

987
00:48:18,960 --> 00:48:21,880
I don't know how football fans know
how to start at the right time,

988
00:48:21,960 --> 00:48:22,880
in the same key.

989
00:48:22,960 --> 00:48:25,440
Do they hand out sheet music
before a fucking…

990
00:48:25,520 --> 00:48:27,960
We're doing "Willy Up The Arse" in C.

991
00:48:28,960 --> 00:48:31,520
Jeff's doing a solo. It's like… And…

992
00:48:32,040 --> 00:48:34,720
What they do, they get a traditional tune,
so everyone knows it,

993
00:48:34,800 --> 00:48:35,720
and change the lyrics.

994
00:48:35,800 --> 00:48:38,200
Some genius changes the lyrics, right,

995
00:48:38,280 --> 00:48:42,880
to be as offensive about someone
or something or somewhere or whatever.

996
00:48:42,960 --> 00:48:44,920
So the tune they used to use,
I remember it,

997
00:48:45,000 --> 00:48:47,320
it was that old Cockney knees-up song.

998
00:48:47,400 --> 00:48:50,360
My old man said follow the van

999
00:48:50,440 --> 00:48:52,280
And don't dillydally on the way

1000
00:48:52,360 --> 00:48:54,680
Do you know that one?
Remember the term "dillydally"?

1001
00:48:54,760 --> 00:48:57,760
They use it very creatively
in their version, right?

1002
00:48:57,840 --> 00:49:00,760
So this was their lyric. It was the '80s.

1003
00:49:00,840 --> 00:49:03,520
It's not politically correct. I apologize.

1004
00:49:03,600 --> 00:49:05,520
They're football hooligans.
What are you gonna do?

1005
00:49:05,600 --> 00:49:09,120
So let's… let's analyze
their genius lyrics, right?

1006
00:49:09,200 --> 00:49:10,920
This is what they used to sing.

1007
00:49:11,440 --> 00:49:13,880
Don't bend down when Elton's around

1008
00:49:13,960 --> 00:49:16,280
Or you might get a willy up your arse

1009
00:49:16,360 --> 00:49:17,760
I mean, you might.

1010
00:49:17,840 --> 00:49:19,840
I dunno. Not necessarily his.

1011
00:49:19,920 --> 00:49:24,320
But, you know, mathematicians amongst you
would have to go, "There's a slight…"

1012
00:49:24,840 --> 00:49:27,880
Like, if a thousand people bent down
when Elton was around,

1013
00:49:27,960 --> 00:49:29,280
one of 'em might randomly…

1014
00:49:29,360 --> 00:49:31,720
Someone might come off a bicycle
and go, "Sorry."

1015
00:49:31,800 --> 00:49:33,440
And they're like, "Oh, fuck."

1016
00:49:33,520 --> 00:49:37,120
And the scientists would go, "One."
Do you know what I mean? There's a slight…

1017
00:49:38,160 --> 00:49:41,840
Also, "When Elton's around."
That's ambiguous. That could fit…

1018
00:49:41,920 --> 00:49:45,920
Like, you could have two gentlemen
having anal sex in a hotel room.

1019
00:49:46,000 --> 00:49:46,960
Then, the next day,

1020
00:49:47,040 --> 00:49:50,200
they find out that Elton John
was staying in the next room.

1021
00:49:50,280 --> 00:49:53,920
They go, "Oh, I got a willy up the arse
when Elton was around." You know?

1022
00:49:55,000 --> 00:49:56,640
I'll give 'em that. Anyway.

1023
00:49:57,400 --> 00:50:01,080
Don't bend down when Elton's around
Or you might get a willy up your arse

1024
00:50:01,160 --> 00:50:03,200
He has the nerve to call us "dear"

1025
00:50:03,280 --> 00:50:05,560
We all know he's a fucking queer…

1026
00:50:05,640 --> 00:50:07,360
Sorry. Right?

1027
00:50:07,440 --> 00:50:08,400
Then it goes…

1028
00:50:08,480 --> 00:50:09,800
He dallies and dillies…

1029
00:50:09,880 --> 00:50:11,240
They've reversed it. Why?

1030
00:50:11,320 --> 00:50:12,520
He dallies and dillies

1031
00:50:12,600 --> 00:50:14,320
He plays with people's willies…

1032
00:50:15,880 --> 00:50:19,040
Again, I don't know
what "play with" means in this context.

1033
00:50:19,120 --> 00:50:22,120
It could be like…
It could be anything, couldn't it?

1034
00:50:23,160 --> 00:50:26,280
"I thought you were gonna suck it." "No."

1035
00:50:27,520 --> 00:50:29,920
He dallies and dillies
He plays with people's willies

1036
00:50:30,000 --> 00:50:31,480
He's up every arse in town

1037
00:50:31,560 --> 00:50:35,120
I'd stop 'em there. I'd go, "No."
That is… That is provably false.

1038
00:50:35,200 --> 00:50:37,520
He's not up every arse in town, is he?

1039
00:50:37,600 --> 00:50:40,760
We can prove that. Right?
Take a small town. Take Watford.

1040
00:50:40,840 --> 00:50:42,400
120,000 people.

1041
00:50:42,480 --> 00:50:45,400
He is not up 120,000 arses, is he?

1042
00:50:45,480 --> 00:50:50,080
I mean, half of them are women,
so 60,000 tops. Right?

1043
00:50:50,160 --> 00:50:52,880
I don't think he's been up 60,000.
If he has, good luck to him.

1044
00:50:52,960 --> 00:50:55,120
But that's not my point. This is my point.

1045
00:50:56,000 --> 00:50:58,320
It… What did his then wife think of that?

1046
00:50:58,400 --> 00:51:00,880
'Cause he's in the closet, right?
It… He's… You know?

1047
00:51:00,960 --> 00:51:04,200
And she's just married Elton John.
She couldn't be… She's in love.

1048
00:51:04,280 --> 00:51:07,200
She's so proud of him. Elton John.
And he's chairman of Watford.

1049
00:51:07,280 --> 00:51:10,200
She goes, "I'm married to Elton John,
the pop star."

1050
00:51:10,280 --> 00:51:12,160
And then the entire crowd sing,

1051
00:51:12,240 --> 00:51:16,360
"Don't bend down when Elton's around
or you might get a willy up your arse."

1052
00:51:16,440 --> 00:51:19,160
She must have gone,
"Why are they singing that, Elton?"

1053
00:51:19,240 --> 00:51:21,800
And he goes, "I don't fucking know.
Watch the game."

1054
00:51:21,880 --> 00:51:25,360
You know what I mean?
It must have been awkward.

1055
00:51:27,720 --> 00:51:29,800
That's nearly it for me, but I've just…

1056
00:51:29,880 --> 00:51:34,360
I said earlier, I've never had a joke
stopped by the Golden Globes.

1057
00:51:34,440 --> 00:51:35,720
That is absolutely true,

1058
00:51:35,800 --> 00:51:39,000
but I've just remembered a joke
that I stopped myself,

1059
00:51:39,080 --> 00:51:41,840
'cause I bottled it a bit, and I wanna…

1060
00:51:41,920 --> 00:51:44,320
I think I was being overcautious.
I wanna share it with you.

1061
00:51:44,400 --> 00:51:48,160
So I got the chance
to introduce Jason Momoa.

1062
00:51:48,240 --> 00:51:50,440
Do you know who Jason Momoa is?
Yeah, right?

1063
00:51:50,520 --> 00:51:55,160
So I thought the meta joke would be
to show my hypocrisy and my cowardice.

1064
00:51:55,240 --> 00:51:58,880
Like, I… I… I'm okay to slag off actors.
Who's scared of actors?

1065
00:51:58,960 --> 00:52:01,720
But when it comes to a big dude,
I'm not so brave.

1066
00:52:01,800 --> 00:52:02,880
So I was gonna go,

1067
00:52:02,960 --> 00:52:05,800
"I've got nothing bad to say
about our next presenter,

1068
00:52:05,880 --> 00:52:09,000
'cause he's got a cock
like a baby's arm," right?

1069
00:52:10,960 --> 00:52:13,160
I told my mate I was gonna do that,
and my mate went…

1070
00:52:13,240 --> 00:52:15,480
"Do you think
people'll think that's racist?"

1071
00:52:15,560 --> 00:52:17,040
I went, "Why is it racist?"

1072
00:52:17,120 --> 00:52:19,600
He went, "Well,
'cause he's a person of color, and…"

1073
00:52:19,680 --> 00:52:21,240
I went, "It's nothing to do with that."

1074
00:52:21,320 --> 00:52:23,240
"It's to do with the fact that he's so big

1075
00:52:23,320 --> 00:52:26,160
that he'd probably have
a cock like a baby's arm, right?"

1076
00:52:26,680 --> 00:52:28,840
So I didn't do it,
and I had a great follow-up.

1077
00:52:28,920 --> 00:52:32,000
I'll tell you the whole thing.
This is what I was gonna do.

1078
00:52:32,520 --> 00:52:34,400
Right, so I go out and go,

1079
00:52:35,160 --> 00:52:38,160
"I've got nothing bad to say
about our next presenter

1080
00:52:38,240 --> 00:52:40,560
'cause he's got a cock like a baby's arm."

1081
00:52:40,640 --> 00:52:41,880
"Unlike Peter Dinklage,

1082
00:52:41,960 --> 00:52:43,920
who's got an arm like a baby's cock."

1083
00:52:56,360 --> 00:52:58,200
It's great to hear
this sort of laughter again.

1084
00:52:58,280 --> 00:53:00,520
You probably don't notice it
as much as comedians,

1085
00:53:00,600 --> 00:53:02,400
but we've had a really weird ten years,

1086
00:53:02,480 --> 00:53:05,640
where we're really second-guessing,
going, "Is that okay?"

1087
00:53:05,720 --> 00:53:08,560
Someone… People could
find anything offensive.

1088
00:53:08,640 --> 00:53:11,560
But we pushed back, and we won,
so fuck 'em.

1089
00:53:11,640 --> 00:53:13,080
Um…

1090
00:53:20,040 --> 00:53:23,520
Until the next time. They haven't gone.
They're just licking their wounds.

1091
00:53:23,600 --> 00:53:25,520
They'll be back with something madder.

1092
00:53:25,600 --> 00:53:27,280
But remember who it is next time.

1093
00:53:27,360 --> 00:53:31,680
It's always, like,
these sort of educated, middle-class,

1094
00:53:31,760 --> 00:53:36,080
privileged, um, elitist sort of people
telling ordinary working-class people

1095
00:53:36,160 --> 00:53:39,200
what they can and can't do
and say and laugh at,

1096
00:53:39,280 --> 00:53:43,320
not realizing how important comedy is
to ordinary people.

1097
00:53:43,400 --> 00:53:45,720
When I was a kid
growing up in Reading with nothing,

1098
00:53:45,800 --> 00:53:47,360
humor was like a lifesaver.

1099
00:53:47,440 --> 00:53:49,200
It was like a superpower, right?

1100
00:53:49,280 --> 00:53:51,960
Not a real one, like flight,
but you know what I mean?

1101
00:53:52,040 --> 00:53:53,920
You ask anyone their superpower,

1102
00:53:54,000 --> 00:53:56,280
I reckon seven out of ten
will say "flight,"

1103
00:53:56,360 --> 00:53:59,280
and three will go "super strength"
or something, which is great.

1104
00:53:59,360 --> 00:54:02,880
If you're a superhero, flying around,
being super strong, great.

1105
00:54:02,960 --> 00:54:03,960
But sooner or later,

1106
00:54:04,040 --> 00:54:06,840
a supervillain will go,
"Look at that cunt. I'm gonna…"

1107
00:54:07,920 --> 00:54:10,200
"I'm gonna get him and murder him." Right?

1108
00:54:10,280 --> 00:54:13,120
My superpower, they wouldn't even know
it was me doing it.

1109
00:54:13,200 --> 00:54:15,640
They wouldn't even know
there was a superpower being used.

1110
00:54:15,720 --> 00:54:17,200
It would get you out of any situation.

1111
00:54:17,280 --> 00:54:21,640
My superpower would be the ability
to make anyone instantly

1112
00:54:21,720 --> 00:54:22,560
shit themselves.

1113
00:54:24,160 --> 00:54:27,200
You're getting mugged at knifepoint.
They go, "Give me your wallet."

1114
00:54:27,280 --> 00:54:29,560
You just go… They go, "Fuck."

1115
00:54:29,640 --> 00:54:30,880
"Oh, fuck."

1116
00:54:30,960 --> 00:54:32,800
Game over. It's game over.

1117
00:54:38,200 --> 00:54:40,040
That's another thing I'm very proud of.

1118
00:54:40,120 --> 00:54:42,560
I can honestly say, in all my 64 years,

1119
00:54:42,640 --> 00:54:46,440
I have never shat myself once, so, um…

1120
00:54:46,520 --> 00:54:48,920
No, don't applaud. No.

1121
00:54:49,000 --> 00:54:51,000
No! Right.

1122
00:54:52,080 --> 00:54:53,960
Yeah.

1123
00:54:54,040 --> 00:54:56,160
"Why do you like London so much, Rick?"

1124
00:54:56,240 --> 00:54:58,920
'Cause you get a round of applause
for not shitting yourself.

1125
00:55:00,360 --> 00:55:01,280
Right.

1126
00:55:01,360 --> 00:55:03,360
But that's the next phase now. The next…

1127
00:55:03,440 --> 00:55:06,000
I reckon it's the next ten years
that I will…

1128
00:55:06,080 --> 00:55:09,720
But as of now,
my arsehole has never let me down.

1129
00:55:09,800 --> 00:55:11,840
Very underrated, the human arsehole.

1130
00:55:11,920 --> 00:55:15,000
Everyone goes, "The human brain,
the greatest computer known to man."

1131
00:55:15,080 --> 00:55:17,520
"Oh, the human liver
can regenerate itself."

1132
00:55:17,600 --> 00:55:20,200
Your arsehole is working 24-7.

1133
00:55:20,280 --> 00:55:22,920
Even when you're asleep, it's like that.
"You're not coming out."

1134
00:55:23,000 --> 00:55:25,840
"You're not coming out.
You're not coming out."

1135
00:55:27,120 --> 00:55:28,120
"No."

1136
00:55:30,240 --> 00:55:32,480
"You're not coming out.
And you're not coming in."

1137
00:55:42,840 --> 00:55:45,400
'Cause it's like…
it's like a sewer in there, innit?

1138
00:55:45,480 --> 00:55:47,400
But you've got a lovely
little manhole cover.

1139
00:55:47,480 --> 00:55:50,000
Think of that in real life.
Walking along a pavement.

1140
00:55:50,080 --> 00:55:52,960
If that burst…
And you know what's in a sewer, don't you?

1141
00:55:53,040 --> 00:55:55,080
Piss and shit

1142
00:55:55,680 --> 00:55:56,800
and cum and…

1143
00:55:58,040 --> 00:55:59,880
…dead goldfish.

1144
00:56:01,160 --> 00:56:03,080
Fetuses.

1145
00:56:03,160 --> 00:56:04,720
In China.

1146
00:56:04,800 --> 00:56:05,840
Just the…

1147
00:56:06,520 --> 00:56:09,080
Just the girl ones. Relax. Just…

1148
00:56:14,360 --> 00:56:17,160
I'm at that age now as well,
'cause I'm in entertainment,

1149
00:56:17,240 --> 00:56:19,200
people say,
"Are you gonna have a facelift?"

1150
00:56:19,280 --> 00:56:20,520
I go, "No."

1151
00:56:20,600 --> 00:56:24,000
Have you seen facelifts?
They're still just that. You know?

1152
00:56:24,080 --> 00:56:27,600
You go to the doctor, and the doctor goes,
"Do you wanna look old or Chinese?"

1153
00:56:27,680 --> 00:56:28,880
It's like…

1154
00:56:29,480 --> 00:56:32,160
Nothing wrong with looking Chinese,
if you're Chinese.

1155
00:56:32,240 --> 00:56:34,360
If you're not Chinese, it's a bit weird.

1156
00:56:34,440 --> 00:56:36,080
It's offensive. Why is that allowed?

1157
00:56:36,160 --> 00:56:39,080
You're not allowed to black up.
Why can you do that?

1158
00:56:40,080 --> 00:56:43,880
Maybe there are terms and conditions
to make sure you're never that racist.

1159
00:56:43,960 --> 00:56:46,200
The doctor goes,
"Right, we've done the eyes,

1160
00:56:46,280 --> 00:56:49,680
but never leave the house
in a little lampshade because…"

1161
00:56:53,320 --> 00:56:56,400
Oh, so childish.

1162
00:56:56,480 --> 00:56:58,040
It's so childish.

1163
00:56:58,920 --> 00:57:02,600
I hope you agree it was a positive show.
It wasn't about death. It was about life.

1164
00:57:02,680 --> 00:57:05,480
Some people are so worried about dying,
they forget to live.

1165
00:57:05,560 --> 00:57:09,160
Some people are so scared to do stuff.
They go, "No, that's dangerous."

1166
00:57:09,240 --> 00:57:12,320
All the most fun things are dangerous.
Roads are dangerous.

1167
00:57:12,400 --> 00:57:15,080
Alcohol is dangerous. Alcohol is a poison.

1168
00:57:15,160 --> 00:57:17,240
I should know. I sell it. Dutch Barn.

1169
00:57:17,320 --> 00:57:18,960
Right, so… Yes.

1170
00:57:19,040 --> 00:57:23,120
Like, alcohol gives you brain disease,
liver disease, kidney disease,

1171
00:57:23,200 --> 00:57:25,000
heart disease, mental illness,

1172
00:57:25,080 --> 00:57:27,960
but it does loosen you up at parties, so…

1173
00:57:29,360 --> 00:57:32,520
Think of all the babies
born through alcohol. Yeah.

1174
00:57:32,600 --> 00:57:35,960
Many of them deformed
if the mother carried on drinking.

1175
00:57:36,480 --> 00:57:39,520
But the good thing
about being born deformed is,

1176
00:57:39,600 --> 00:57:41,280
um, you…

1177
00:57:41,360 --> 00:57:42,320
Yeah.

1178
00:57:42,400 --> 00:57:43,480
Hear me out.

1179
00:57:43,560 --> 00:57:46,640
The good thing
about being born deformed is

1180
00:57:46,720 --> 00:57:49,360
you can start drinking
at a much younger age

1181
00:57:49,440 --> 00:57:51,280
and no one gives you… You know?

1182
00:57:51,360 --> 00:57:53,640
You see a normal kid drinking,
you go, "You little bastard."

1183
00:57:53,720 --> 00:57:56,840
You see a deformed kid drinking,
you go, "Yeah, go on." You know?

1184
00:57:56,920 --> 00:57:57,920
You know what I mean?

1185
00:57:58,000 --> 00:58:01,320
You're eight or nine.
You've had 27 painful operations.

1186
00:58:01,400 --> 00:58:02,640
You've met Olly Murs.

1187
00:58:02,720 --> 00:58:04,720
Have a drink, you know?

1188
00:58:06,360 --> 00:58:07,680
Well…

1189
00:58:09,120 --> 00:58:11,760
As you can see,
I've run out of quality material, um…

1190
00:58:12,960 --> 00:58:16,400
But you've been absolutely amazing.
Thank you and good night.