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Downloaded from
YTS.MX
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{\an8}[upbeat rock music]
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[Bubba J] Hey, everybody!
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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It's the holidays!
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A time for some joy and laughter.
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And no one hands out that stuff
better than your friend and mine,
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Jeff Dunham!
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[audience cheering]
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Hey, hey, Milwaukee!
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[audience cheering]
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Welcome to my Scrooged-Up Holiday Special
in the beer capital of the world.
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[audience cheering]
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Man, what a gorgeous theater.
What a perfect place to do this.
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My boys have been exploring it,
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you know, during the day
when nothing's going on here.
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That third balcony is
way the heck up there.
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That's literally the nosebleed section.
It's awesome.
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They were running around,
and James discovered something today
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that I thought was pretty great.
So, he's running around.
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And because it's the Pabst Theater,
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he found the 'P' on the carpet upstairs.
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Right there. See it?
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And it runs all the way, up and out--
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the sides of all the runners
going up and down the hallways
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You can see him point to it.
Oh, yeah, there he is pointing to it.
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He thought that was very cool.
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No. He didn't think it was cool.
He thought it was hilarious
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because if you back up a little
to the next photo,
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it spells "poop."
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[audience laughing]
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So, why a Christmas special?
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Well, I'm sharing with you what I know
and what I grew up with.
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I was raised in a home
that celebrated Christmas,
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so this is a Christmas special.
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If I was Jewish,
this would be a Hanukkah special.
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If I was black, this might be
a Kwanzaa special.
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If I was an atheist,
this would be a special.
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[audience laughing]
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But Christmas is extra special for me,
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because when I was eight years-old,
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that year under the Christmas tree,
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Santa left me my very first
ventriloquist dummy.
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And I've shown this photograph before,
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but I have to show it again
because it's one of my favorite ones.
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So, under the tree is Mom and me
and my first dummy and Dad,
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and there we are right there.
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- [audience applauding]
- [Jeff] Thank you.
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I think I love that picture also because
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you can tell how proud my father is.
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[audience laughing]
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But that moment right there
began a lifelong career
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leading to this very moment here tonight.
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But this special is different
from any one I've ever done.
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My wife Audrey came up with the idea
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of me and my guys doing
our own film version
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of the Dickens classic,
A Christmas Carol.
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I thought that would be a great movie.
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Why not? Let's see if we can get it made.
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But then in the meantime, I thought,
how about for my next stand-up special,
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what if it's me talking to the guys about
their possible roles in the film
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and what characters
I think they should play.
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So, tonight I'm casting.
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[audience laughing, cheering]
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So, if you know the Christmas Carol story,
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see if you can guess who of my guys
should play whom in the movie.
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[laughing]
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You guys ready for the little people
in the boxes?
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[audience cheering]
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The first guy I'd like to introduce
has been in my act a long time,
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and I'm fairly certain you can guess
who he'd play in A Christmas Carol.
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Please help me welcome
my old friend, Walter.
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[audience cheering]
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Shut the hell up!
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Good evening, Walter.
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And why am I dressed like this?
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- I am hot as hell!
- I know.
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- I think I'm having a stroke.
- Come on.
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[gargling sound]
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I bet you love the holidays.
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I bet you're an idiot.
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Come on.
What's your favorite Christmas carol?
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- My favorite Christmas carol...
- That's right.
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You mean one that makes
me feel joy and hope
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- and a beautiful peace inside?
- That's right.
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"Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer."
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[audience laughing]
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That's not a Christmas carol.
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Just imagining fills me with great joy.
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Well, I'm happy to see
you dressed for the occasion.
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Me? I didn't do this. You did this to me!
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He takes us on the tour bus
and plays dolly freakin' dress-up.
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- No, I don't.
- No one can hear us scream.
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- That's not true.
- Ah! He's touching us again!
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Stop it. You look great for the occasion.
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- What occasion?
- This is our Christmas special,
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and this special is gonna be
on Amazon Prime.
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- Amazon?
- Yeah.
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Oh, so they're gonna deliver this special
and leave it on everyone's front porch?
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[audience laughing]
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Inside another box
that's ten times the size it needs to be?
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[audience laughing]
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Then some jerk comes along
and steals it off the porch,
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and I have to order it all over again?
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You know, Amazon makes things
very convenient.
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Yeah, and how lazy have we gotten?
I mean seriously.
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"I need a, uh, a toothpick.
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I think they're upstairs.
Nah, that's too far to walk."
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[audience laughing]
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"I'll just order it on Amazon."
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Let's see. Two cents for a toothpick
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and 29 dollars for shipping. Done.
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- [audience laughing]
- Walter...
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Then, five minutes later
it's at my front door.
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- Yeah.
- "Oh, look!
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They shipped me my toothpick in a box
the size of a [bleep] Yugo."
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[audience laughing]
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A Yugo? That's your reference?
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I guess you'd prefer a Prius?
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[audience laughing, cheering]
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That was a long time ago.
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You are forever damaged, my friend.
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Look, our special's gonna be
on Amazon Prime, the subscription service.
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Oh, good, so we can subscribe,
watch this special,
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then quickly unsubscribe
so they won't charge us.
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That's not the best way to save money.
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Says the guy who owned a Prius.
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[audience laughing]
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A blue Prius.
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[audience laughing]
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Does your wife enjoy the holidays?
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My wife? You mean the nutcracker?
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[audience laughing]
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Your wife is a lovely lady,
and I know that you love her very much.
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- Whatever.
- Tell everyone
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what you gave your wife last Christmas.
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- COVID.
- No.
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[audience laughing]
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Look, next year there's an idea of us
filming a Christmas movie.
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- A movie?
- Yeah, I'm picking the best roles
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- for all the guys.
- Oh, and that's why I'm dressed like this?
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- Yes.
- So I have to act?
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- Ever done any acting?
- Sure.
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- Like what?
- I laugh at your jokes.
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[audience laughing]
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- That's not funny.
- No, not usually. They're not.
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[audience laughing]
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- What's the movie?
- A Christmas Carol.
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And all of us are gonna be in it?
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That's the plan.
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And, uh, have you actually decided
on who gets what role?
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I'm working on that right now.
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Okay, so you're trying figure out
who I should play?
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[audience laughing]
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Well, yeah.
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So, for me, you've narrowed it down
to a few possible characters?
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[audience laughing]
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- I'm a very versatile actor.
- I'm sure.
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I can even be that little kid
who has a crutch.
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[audience laughing]
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Tiny Tim.
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Why are we suddenly talking about your...
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- Oh! Oh! Oh! The kid! Tiny Tim!
- [audience laughing]
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- I thought you were talking about your...
- Walter...
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- ...Tiny Tim.
- Walter!
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- I'm sorry.
- Tiny Tim has a very important role.
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I'm sure he does, Jeff. Good for you!
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[audience laughing]
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This is a Christmas story.
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Good place to hang the mistletoe.
That's all I'm saying.
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[audience laughing]
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- Walter...
- You know, the twigs and berries.
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- Will you stop it?
- [audience laughing]
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Okay, back to the movie.
Now, what's that kid's name?
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- It's Tiny Tim.
- Right.
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And I'm telling you--
with a little makeup, I could be that kid.
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- You could be Tiny Tim?
- He's angry, right?
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- No.
- Oh, I think he is.
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What is it he always says?
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Well, his most famous line is, "God--"
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Oh, yeah! "God, why was I born?
It's a hard-knock life!"
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- [audience laughing]
- What?
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Then, he sings it,
and the sun comes out tomorrow,
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and blahdy-blah-blah.
I hate that stupid show.
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- That's Annie.
- Yeah.
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And then Tiny Tim gets left alone
at his house,
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and his mother yells, "Kevin!"
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[audience laughing]
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- That's Home Alone.
- I could be Kevin,
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and you could be the guy that
gets hit in the head with a box of tools
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- and his hair catches on fire.
- [audience laughing]
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- Can you act?
- Can I act?
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- You know, hang on a second.
- What?
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I don't mean to interrupt here.
I keep looking at you.
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I don't usually throw around compliments.
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I just gotta say here,
you know, you're getting old,
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but you're still looking pretty good.
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Don't you think so?
He's doing all right?
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[audience cheering]
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- Thank you.
- Ha-ha. I'm [bleep] with ya. I'm acting.
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[audience laughing]
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One of the most moving scenes in the story
is near the end
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when Scrooge breaks down crying
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because he's filled with regret.
Do you think you could do that?
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Oh, sure.
I'll just pretend I'm your father.
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[audience laughing]
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- [laughing]
- What does that mean?
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- Oh, come on. Think about you.
- What?
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Your father saved his entire life
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to send his only son to a university.
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- Yeah?
- Then, you took your degree,
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did nothing with it,
and ended up doing a puppet show.
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How much does that suck for your parents?
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- Walter...
- I mean, look at what you're doing now.
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- This seems pretty good to me.
- No, not that. This.
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- What?
- You're arguing.
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- Yeah?
- With me!
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[audience laughing]
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- Right.
- Which is actually you!
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- You know what's really weird?
- What?
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You're also losing this argument!
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[audience laughing]
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You ever seen The Twilight Zone?
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- You're freaking in it!
- [audience laughing]
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[sings The Twilight Zone theme]
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[audience laughing]
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Let's talk about your actual role
in A Christmas Carol.
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- I don't know who I would be.
- [chuckling]
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- It's very obvious.
- It is?
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Yeah, you don't even have to audition.
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- What?
- Think about it.
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- Who do you look like?
- Uhh...
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Come on.
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- Good God, you?
- No, not me!
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Well, folks say
you and I kind of look alike.
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- Well...
- Come on. Do the face.
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[audience laughing, cheering]
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That's just scary.
Please tell me we're not related.
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[chuckling] All right.
At least I can smile.
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[audience ooh's, laughs]
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- I can smile.
- Really?
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Yeah, well, it hurts a little when I do.
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- [audience laughing]
- Let's see.
244
00:11:13,840 --> 00:11:16,133
[audience laughing]
245
00:11:16,134 --> 00:11:18,677
Oh, I think I pulled a groin muscle.
246
00:11:18,678 --> 00:11:19,970
[audience laughing]
247
00:11:19,971 --> 00:11:22,515
As for our movie, Walter,
you would be Scrooge.
248
00:11:22,516 --> 00:11:23,933
What? Me?
249
00:11:23,934 --> 00:11:26,352
Come on. Ebenezer Scrooge was
a very rich man
250
00:11:26,353 --> 00:11:29,230
- who never got married.
- Oh, hell yeah. I'll be that guy.
251
00:11:29,231 --> 00:11:30,981
[audience laughing]
252
00:11:30,982 --> 00:11:34,568
In the beginning of the story,
Scrooge is very lonely. Do you know why?
253
00:11:34,569 --> 00:11:36,320
He was a ventriloquist?
254
00:11:36,321 --> 00:11:38,824
[audience laughing]
255
00:11:39,449 --> 00:11:40,908
- Sorry.
- In the story,
256
00:11:40,909 --> 00:11:44,078
Scrooge gets woken up three times
in the middle of the night.
257
00:11:44,079 --> 00:11:46,872
And it gets worse and worse
the older you get.
258
00:11:46,873 --> 00:11:48,834
[audience laughing]
259
00:11:51,294 --> 00:11:53,421
Back then, women were expected to marry,
260
00:11:53,422 --> 00:11:55,631
have children, and keep a nice household.
261
00:11:55,632 --> 00:11:59,052
And those were the only acceptable roles
for women during that era.
262
00:11:59,594 --> 00:12:01,137
Is that too much to ask?
263
00:12:01,138 --> 00:12:02,638
[audience laughing]
264
00:12:02,639 --> 00:12:05,266
Are you trying to turn off
every woman in this room?
265
00:12:05,267 --> 00:12:07,143
Oh, no, no. You've got that covered.
266
00:12:07,144 --> 00:12:09,478
[audience laughing]
267
00:12:09,479 --> 00:12:13,023
Hey ladies, you wanna hear a sentence
that in the history of humans
268
00:12:13,024 --> 00:12:16,485
no woman has ever said? Ready?
269
00:12:16,486 --> 00:12:18,237
[women in audience cheering]
270
00:12:18,238 --> 00:12:20,990
"Ventriloquist-- that's hot."
271
00:12:20,991 --> 00:12:23,034
[audience laughing]
272
00:12:24,578 --> 00:12:26,036
Wah-wah.
273
00:12:26,037 --> 00:12:27,746
[audience laughing]
274
00:12:27,747 --> 00:12:30,332
- Who wrote A Christmas Carol?
- Charles Dickens.
275
00:12:30,333 --> 00:12:35,547
[giggling] Sorry.
Just laughing at his last name.
276
00:12:36,298 --> 00:12:37,756
Dickens.
277
00:12:37,757 --> 00:12:39,216
- They could be friends.
- Who?
278
00:12:39,217 --> 00:12:41,135
Tiny Tim and Little Dickens.
279
00:12:41,136 --> 00:12:42,678
[audience laughing]
280
00:12:42,679 --> 00:12:44,930
You sure Tiny Tim's name isn't Kevin?
281
00:12:44,931 --> 00:12:46,891
No, it's not Kevin. That's Home Alone.
282
00:12:46,892 --> 00:12:50,603
Well, that's you as a kid-- home alone,
playing with your Tiny Tim.
283
00:12:50,604 --> 00:12:51,854
[audience laughing]
284
00:12:51,855 --> 00:12:54,565
- Say goodnight, Walter.
- Thanks, Milwaukee!
285
00:12:54,566 --> 00:12:57,819
[audience cheering]
286
00:13:03,658 --> 00:13:06,243
Our next guy up is
pretty much a party animal
287
00:13:06,244 --> 00:13:09,663
and perfect to play in our movie
as the Ghost of Christmas Past.
288
00:13:09,664 --> 00:13:13,209
Please welcome your good buddy and mine,
Bubba J.
289
00:13:13,210 --> 00:13:16,379
- [audience cheering]
- [upbeat rock music playing]
290
00:13:24,596 --> 00:13:29,058
- [goofy laughter]
- How you doing, Bubba J?
291
00:13:29,059 --> 00:13:32,061
Pretty good. And ho-ho-ho!
292
00:13:32,062 --> 00:13:33,729
Oh, it's not Christmas yet.
293
00:13:33,730 --> 00:13:37,942
Oh, well then, ho-ho-hold my beer.
[goofy laughter]
294
00:13:37,943 --> 00:13:40,445
[audience laughing, cheering]
295
00:13:42,280 --> 00:13:44,114
It's Milwaukee. They love that crap.
296
00:13:44,115 --> 00:13:46,408
- Okay.
- [audience laughing]
297
00:13:46,409 --> 00:13:48,285
[audience cheering]
298
00:13:48,286 --> 00:13:50,789
[goofy laughter]
299
00:13:51,873 --> 00:13:52,957
- Bubba J.
- What?
300
00:13:52,958 --> 00:13:54,291
Have you done any acting?
301
00:13:54,292 --> 00:13:55,376
- Oh, sure.
- Really?
302
00:13:55,377 --> 00:13:56,377
- Yeah.
- When?
303
00:13:56,378 --> 00:14:00,297
When the police pull me over,
I act like I haven't been drinking.
304
00:14:00,298 --> 00:14:03,592
- [audience laughing]
- What if there's a breathalyzer?
305
00:14:03,593 --> 00:14:06,303
[chuckles] I get to go on a sleepover.
306
00:14:06,304 --> 00:14:07,888
- Oh.
- [audience laughing]
307
00:14:07,889 --> 00:14:09,932
- Can we talk about the movie now?
- Okay.
308
00:14:09,933 --> 00:14:13,018
To talk about the movie,
let's get in the mood of the season.
309
00:14:13,019 --> 00:14:15,229
- Okay.
- When I wake up on Christmas morning,
310
00:14:15,230 --> 00:14:18,524
- I'm happy to be alive.
- Well, you didn't drink as much as I did.
311
00:14:18,525 --> 00:14:20,527
[audience laughing]
312
00:14:21,486 --> 00:14:25,490
So, Christmas is my favorite time of year.
It's all about loving your fellow man.
313
00:14:27,492 --> 00:14:29,369
[audience laughing]
314
00:14:29,953 --> 00:14:31,537
- Really?
- Yes.
315
00:14:31,538 --> 00:14:34,999
Uh, does your wife know that?
316
00:14:35,000 --> 00:14:36,083
[audience laughing]
317
00:14:36,084 --> 00:14:37,293
That's a shocker.
318
00:14:37,294 --> 00:14:39,587
You should be upfront
with Audrey about that.
319
00:14:39,588 --> 00:14:40,713
I had no idea.
320
00:14:40,714 --> 00:14:44,425
She's gonna be like, "Jeff, why do you
now like the hot dogs
321
00:14:44,426 --> 00:14:46,719
more than the honey-baked ham?"
322
00:14:46,720 --> 00:14:48,763
[audience laughing]
323
00:14:58,273 --> 00:15:00,107
They honey-baked ham?
324
00:15:00,108 --> 00:15:02,443
- They know what I'm talking about.
- All right.
325
00:15:02,444 --> 00:15:04,153
[audience laughing]
326
00:15:04,154 --> 00:15:06,155
- It's warm--
- That's enough.
327
00:15:06,156 --> 00:15:08,198
- Okay.
- [audience laughing]
328
00:15:08,199 --> 00:15:11,619
- Hey, in this movie, do we get presents?
- I don't know.
329
00:15:11,620 --> 00:15:15,289
Come on. Presents are the best part
about Christmas.
330
00:15:15,290 --> 00:15:18,626
Well, you know, Bubba J,
it is better to give than to receive.
331
00:15:18,627 --> 00:15:21,754
Yes, especially when you're in prison.
332
00:15:21,755 --> 00:15:23,882
[audience laughing]
333
00:15:25,675 --> 00:15:27,926
- No honey-baked ham.
- All right.
334
00:15:27,927 --> 00:15:30,305
[audience laughing]
335
00:15:32,223 --> 00:15:35,643
[goofy laughter]
It's more like a rump roast.
336
00:15:35,644 --> 00:15:38,438
- Will you stop? I'm so sorry.
- [audience laughing]
337
00:15:39,147 --> 00:15:40,523
[Jeff] This is not my fault.
338
00:15:42,609 --> 00:15:45,027
So, does your wife bake
during the holidays?
339
00:15:45,028 --> 00:15:46,028
- Oh, yeah.
- What?
340
00:15:46,029 --> 00:15:47,488
- Meth.
- No. No.
341
00:15:47,489 --> 00:15:48,864
[audience laughing]
342
00:15:48,865 --> 00:15:50,699
- What?
- I mean like a holiday treat.
343
00:15:50,700 --> 00:15:54,411
Well, she can put
colored sprinkles on it for ya.
344
00:15:54,412 --> 00:15:57,248
Oh, whoops, I said "colored."
345
00:15:59,250 --> 00:16:00,834
Nice knowing you, cracker.
346
00:16:00,835 --> 00:16:03,171
[audience laughing]
347
00:16:04,172 --> 00:16:06,256
So, do you have
a favorite Christmas carol?
348
00:16:06,257 --> 00:16:10,678
Oh, well, my dad likes the song
"Baby, It's Cold Outside."
349
00:16:10,679 --> 00:16:13,972
Oh, you know, a couple years ago,
that song was kind of canceled.
350
00:16:13,973 --> 00:16:16,642
- Do you know why?
- Uh-huh. Global warming.
351
00:16:16,643 --> 00:16:18,394
[audience laughing]
352
00:16:18,395 --> 00:16:20,604
How about "I Saw Mommy
Kissing Santa Claus?"
353
00:16:20,605 --> 00:16:23,691
Oh, I did too,
but I think it was my uncle.
354
00:16:23,692 --> 00:16:25,567
[audience laughing]
355
00:16:25,568 --> 00:16:27,444
- All right, back to our movie.
- Okay.
356
00:16:27,445 --> 00:16:30,030
Did you see the movie
The Muppets' Christmas Carol?
357
00:16:30,031 --> 00:16:31,990
Oh, no, I hate puppets. They scare me.
358
00:16:31,991 --> 00:16:34,034
[audience laughing]
359
00:16:34,035 --> 00:16:35,412
Okay.
360
00:16:36,371 --> 00:16:39,581
So, the movie we're shooting is
our version of A Christmas Carol.
361
00:16:39,582 --> 00:16:41,208
- Okay.
- It's a story about a man
362
00:16:41,209 --> 00:16:43,502
who learns the true meaning of Christmas.
363
00:16:43,503 --> 00:16:45,587
Was it during a Zoom meeting?
364
00:16:45,588 --> 00:16:47,047
- [audience laughing]
- No.
365
00:16:47,048 --> 00:16:50,634
You know, one time during a Zoom meeting,
I learned the true meaning
366
00:16:50,635 --> 00:16:54,138
of forgetting to turn your camera off
during personal time.
367
00:16:54,139 --> 00:16:56,307
[audience laughing]
368
00:17:00,437 --> 00:17:03,731
On Christmas Eve,
Scrooge is visited by three ghosts.
369
00:17:03,732 --> 00:17:05,023
Do you know why?
370
00:17:05,024 --> 00:17:07,651
- He swiped right?
- No. No.
371
00:17:07,652 --> 00:17:09,069
[audience laughing]
372
00:17:09,070 --> 00:17:12,656
The Ghost of Christmas Past wakes up
Scrooge in the middle of the night
373
00:17:12,657 --> 00:17:15,492
- and says to Scrooge...
- "We've been trying to reach you
374
00:17:15,493 --> 00:17:17,703
about your car's extended warranty."
375
00:17:17,704 --> 00:17:21,124
[audience laughing, cheering]
376
00:17:25,670 --> 00:17:27,045
- No.
- In this movie,
377
00:17:27,046 --> 00:17:30,215
I want to be a superhero Santa.
And instead of reindeer,
378
00:17:30,216 --> 00:17:33,051
I have hot chicks with Christmas ta-tas.
379
00:17:33,052 --> 00:17:34,678
[audience laughing]
380
00:17:34,679 --> 00:17:37,556
I'm afraid to ask-- what are
"Christmas ta-tas," Bubba J?
381
00:17:37,557 --> 00:17:40,601
They're like ornaments that I can touch.
382
00:17:40,602 --> 00:17:42,102
[audience laughing]
383
00:17:42,103 --> 00:17:45,689
- No. No.
- You sound like all the girls I dated.
384
00:17:45,690 --> 00:17:48,150
- "No. No."
- [audience laughing]
385
00:17:48,151 --> 00:17:50,194
♪ Can't touch this... ♪
[humming]
386
00:17:50,195 --> 00:17:51,779
[audience laughing]
387
00:17:51,780 --> 00:17:55,365
So, when you were a kid, did Santa come
down the chimney at your house?
388
00:17:55,366 --> 00:17:58,035
We didn't have a chimney.
We lived in a mobile home.
389
00:17:58,036 --> 00:18:01,205
- Oh.
- My parents said he came up the tailpipe.
390
00:18:01,206 --> 00:18:03,248
[audience laughing]
391
00:18:03,249 --> 00:18:06,710
I think there's another prison joke
here if you want it.
392
00:18:06,711 --> 00:18:08,671
[audience laughing]
393
00:18:14,177 --> 00:18:17,472
[audience cheering]
394
00:18:21,851 --> 00:18:24,394
You know, my daddy
kinda looked like Santa.
395
00:18:24,395 --> 00:18:26,313
Really? What, did he say 'ho-ho-ho?'
396
00:18:26,314 --> 00:18:28,941
Sometimes when my sisters were going out.
397
00:18:28,942 --> 00:18:31,777
[audience laughing]
398
00:18:31,778 --> 00:18:35,322
- Was your father that mean?
- No, he was just counting.
399
00:18:35,323 --> 00:18:37,282
- [audience laughing]
- I see.
400
00:18:37,283 --> 00:18:40,494
- One time, he said 'ho' four times.
- What did that mean?
401
00:18:40,495 --> 00:18:42,579
[goofy laughter] Mom was going with 'em.
402
00:18:42,580 --> 00:18:44,706
[audience laughter]
403
00:18:44,707 --> 00:18:48,043
Okay, so in England, do you know
who they call 'Father Christmas?'
404
00:18:48,044 --> 00:18:49,962
- Nick Cannon.
- No.
405
00:18:49,963 --> 00:18:51,547
[audience laughing]
406
00:18:51,548 --> 00:18:53,257
Are you familiar with Dickens?
407
00:18:53,258 --> 00:18:57,344
Oh, yeah. Yesterday I stepped on a rake,
and it hit me in the Dickens.
408
00:18:57,345 --> 00:18:59,972
- No.
- [audience laughing]
409
00:18:59,973 --> 00:19:01,723
No. Charles Dickens.
410
00:19:01,724 --> 00:19:04,977
Oh, yours has a first and a last name.
411
00:19:04,978 --> 00:19:06,520
[audience laughing]
412
00:19:06,521 --> 00:19:08,188
- Fancy.
- Bubba J...
413
00:19:08,189 --> 00:19:10,607
Hey, honey, meet Charles.
414
00:19:10,608 --> 00:19:12,025
[audience laughing]
415
00:19:12,026 --> 00:19:15,779
You know, people have been reading
A Christmas Carol for 150 years.
416
00:19:15,780 --> 00:19:17,739
Then I'd say it's too long.
417
00:19:17,740 --> 00:19:19,492
[audience laughing]
418
00:19:23,746 --> 00:19:26,290
They can't all be gems. Shut up.
419
00:19:26,291 --> 00:19:29,084
[audience laughing]
420
00:19:29,085 --> 00:19:31,963
But like I said, we're shooting
our version of the story.
421
00:19:32,380 --> 00:19:33,922
- We are?
- Yeah, we're shooting Scrooge.
422
00:19:33,923 --> 00:19:37,968
Well, I hope he's white.
Otherwise, it'll be a hate crime.
423
00:19:37,969 --> 00:19:40,597
[audience laughing]
424
00:19:45,310 --> 00:19:48,395
Sometimes, I ad-lib you into trouble,
don't I?
425
00:19:48,396 --> 00:19:50,022
[audience laughing]
426
00:19:50,023 --> 00:19:53,025
In the story, Scrooge becomes
a second father to Tiny Tim.
427
00:19:53,026 --> 00:19:55,611
Oh, my uncle is my second father.
428
00:19:55,612 --> 00:19:58,655
- Oh.
- Yeah, and my real father, too.
429
00:19:58,656 --> 00:20:00,157
[audience laughing]
430
00:20:00,158 --> 00:20:03,952
Then he had that operation,
and he was my other mother.
431
00:20:03,953 --> 00:20:05,454
[audience laughing]
432
00:20:05,455 --> 00:20:07,498
[goofy laughter]
433
00:20:08,625 --> 00:20:12,210
Okay, like I said, Scrooge has
three visitors in the middle of the night.
434
00:20:12,211 --> 00:20:15,172
- Like Jack Daniels?
- No. No.
435
00:20:15,173 --> 00:20:17,966
- Jim Beam? Dos Equis?
- No. No!
436
00:20:17,967 --> 00:20:19,384
- Ghosts.
- Ghosts?
437
00:20:19,385 --> 00:20:22,304
Yes, and I want you to play
the Ghost of Christmas Past.
438
00:20:22,305 --> 00:20:24,014
- You want me to be a ghost?
- Yeah.
439
00:20:24,015 --> 00:20:25,641
- I shouldn't do it.
- Why not?
440
00:20:25,642 --> 00:20:28,894
It never goes well
when there's a redneck in a white sheet.
441
00:20:28,895 --> 00:20:33,900
[audience laughing, cheering]
442
00:20:39,948 --> 00:20:42,200
Well... [laughing]
443
00:20:43,701 --> 00:20:45,703
- Boo!
- I got it.
444
00:20:46,579 --> 00:20:48,830
Since the story takes place
in old England,
445
00:20:48,831 --> 00:20:50,749
can you speak with a British accent?
446
00:20:50,750 --> 00:20:52,000
Oh, yeah, sure.
447
00:20:52,001 --> 00:20:56,046
I do it when the cops pull me over
for driving on the wrong side of the road.
448
00:20:56,047 --> 00:20:58,256
[audience laughing]
449
00:20:58,257 --> 00:21:01,385
[drunk British accent]
"Hello, there, Officer."
450
00:21:01,386 --> 00:21:02,803
[audience laughing]
451
00:21:02,804 --> 00:21:08,767
"I had no idea you blokes drive
on the wrong side of the road."
452
00:21:08,768 --> 00:21:13,563
- "Rah, rah, rah, rah."
- [audience laughing]
453
00:21:13,564 --> 00:21:15,065
- Does that work?
- Oh, yeah.
454
00:21:15,066 --> 00:21:18,735
- Because your accent is so good?
- No, because my teeth are so bad.
455
00:21:18,736 --> 00:21:20,487
[audience laughing]
456
00:21:20,488 --> 00:21:22,781
Well, A Christmas Carol takes place
in London
457
00:21:22,782 --> 00:21:25,659
around the time Queen Victoria married
her first cousin.
458
00:21:25,660 --> 00:21:27,577
Oh, she beat me to it.
459
00:21:27,578 --> 00:21:29,079
[audience laughing]
460
00:21:29,080 --> 00:21:31,748
But she was Queen
until she was eighty-two-years-old.
461
00:21:31,749 --> 00:21:33,667
Do you know what happened after that?
462
00:21:33,668 --> 00:21:37,379
Uh, they convinced her to not run
for a second term?
463
00:21:37,380 --> 00:21:41,801
[audience laughing, cheering]
464
00:21:45,054 --> 00:21:47,723
[goofy laughter]
465
00:21:47,724 --> 00:21:50,268
- I'm smart. I watch TV.
- All right.
466
00:21:51,352 --> 00:21:54,855
So, Bubba J, what happens when
the director of a movie yells, "Action?"
467
00:21:54,856 --> 00:21:58,191
Oh, that's my favorite kind of movie.
[hums stereotypical porn music]
468
00:21:58,192 --> 00:21:59,860
[audience laughing]
469
00:21:59,861 --> 00:22:02,696
You know, if you're an actor,
you have to know your cue.
470
00:22:02,697 --> 00:22:04,031
Oh, that's nothing.
471
00:22:04,032 --> 00:22:06,950
When a cop pulls me over,
I have to know the whole alphabet.
472
00:22:06,951 --> 00:22:09,370
[audience laughing]
473
00:22:12,665 --> 00:22:15,917
Okay, so in the movie, you're playing
the Ghost of Christmas Past.
474
00:22:15,918 --> 00:22:17,753
- How was I?
- What?
475
00:22:17,754 --> 00:22:20,839
If I'm the Ghost of Christmas Past,
I already did it.
476
00:22:20,840 --> 00:22:24,092
No, you haven't done it yet.
You're playing him in the future.
477
00:22:24,093 --> 00:22:26,845
- Oh, we're going back to the future?
- No.
478
00:22:26,846 --> 00:22:30,265
Can I take Scrooge to the past
in a DeLorean?
479
00:22:30,266 --> 00:22:32,476
- [audience laughing]
- Are you joking?
480
00:22:32,477 --> 00:22:35,520
Jokes? Where we're going,
we don't need jokes.
481
00:22:35,521 --> 00:22:37,565
[audience laughing]
482
00:22:39,400 --> 00:22:41,736
[audience cheering]
483
00:22:45,448 --> 00:22:47,491
So, Bubba J, we've now gotten to the part
484
00:22:47,492 --> 00:22:49,868
that I think is
your favorite part of the show.
485
00:22:49,869 --> 00:22:51,244
- Can I introduce it?
- Sure.
486
00:22:51,245 --> 00:22:55,040
This is the part of the show where
you get to hear about what I think about
487
00:22:55,041 --> 00:22:57,417
after I've had a few too many.
[goofy laughter]
488
00:22:57,418 --> 00:23:01,838
This is 'Bubba J's Egg Nog Shots
and Christmas Thoughts.'
489
00:23:01,839 --> 00:23:05,009
[audience cheering]
490
00:23:08,846 --> 00:23:12,140
Every Christmas,
my mother bakes us cookies
491
00:23:12,141 --> 00:23:14,935
and a gingerbread halfway house.
492
00:23:14,936 --> 00:23:17,479
[audience laughing]
493
00:23:17,480 --> 00:23:22,150
Think about this--
is Cindy-Lou Who Chinese?
494
00:23:22,151 --> 00:23:24,612
[audience laughing]
495
00:23:26,155 --> 00:23:28,449
[audience laughing]
496
00:23:30,368 --> 00:23:35,455
Is it wrong for a snowman
to ask Santa Claus for a bigger carrot?
497
00:23:35,456 --> 00:23:38,084
[audience laughing]
498
00:23:38,793 --> 00:23:40,877
If the Grinch stole Kwanzaa,
499
00:23:40,878 --> 00:23:43,547
would Democrats say it was Trump's fault?
500
00:23:43,548 --> 00:23:46,259
[audience laughing]
501
00:23:47,927 --> 00:23:51,138
When the little drummer boy played
for baby Jesus,
502
00:23:51,139 --> 00:23:53,390
was that the peak of his career?
503
00:23:53,391 --> 00:23:55,684
[audience laughing]
504
00:23:55,685 --> 00:23:59,229
Did the three wise men include
gift receipts?
505
00:23:59,230 --> 00:24:01,273
[audience laughing]
506
00:24:01,274 --> 00:24:03,817
- You know what those gifts were, right?
- Oh, yeah.
507
00:24:03,818 --> 00:24:06,153
- Gold, frankincense, and myrrh.
- Good for you.
508
00:24:06,154 --> 00:24:07,654
- Very beautiful gifts.
- Yeah.
509
00:24:07,655 --> 00:24:10,907
I doubt when he was in the manger
and was given those gifts,
510
00:24:10,908 --> 00:24:14,744
that's the first time anybody went,
"Jesus Christ, look what you got!"
511
00:24:14,745 --> 00:24:17,915
[audience laughing, cheering]
512
00:24:22,879 --> 00:24:24,004
Keep going.
513
00:24:24,005 --> 00:24:27,132
Maybe Santa wouldn't have
to check his list twice
514
00:24:27,133 --> 00:24:29,718
if he used a bigger font. Duh.
515
00:24:29,719 --> 00:24:31,720
[audience laughing]
516
00:24:31,721 --> 00:24:35,891
Is Santa bipolar? [goofy laughter]
517
00:24:35,892 --> 00:24:39,187
You get it? I wrote that one.
I'm killin' right now. That's good.
518
00:24:40,271 --> 00:24:44,399
When Santa goes to a strip club,
does he make it snow?
519
00:24:44,400 --> 00:24:46,652
[audience laughing]
520
00:24:51,699 --> 00:24:54,910
- Why you laughing?
- I wrote that yesterday. It's funny.
521
00:24:54,911 --> 00:24:56,829
[audience laughing]
522
00:24:57,747 --> 00:25:00,999
If there's an earthquake
on Christmas in Los Angeles,
523
00:25:01,000 --> 00:25:03,877
I bet you'll find a shelf on an elf.
524
00:25:03,878 --> 00:25:06,214
[audience laughing]
525
00:25:09,383 --> 00:25:14,012
For Christmas this past year,
I got my wife a boob job.
526
00:25:14,013 --> 00:25:17,974
For Christmas this year,
I'll get her the other one.
527
00:25:17,975 --> 00:25:20,144
[audience laughing]
528
00:25:21,270 --> 00:25:25,482
And finally,
can a Gingerbread Man transition?
529
00:25:25,483 --> 00:25:28,109
[audience laughing]
530
00:25:28,110 --> 00:25:31,196
- What would he become?
- [goofy laugh] A donut hole.
531
00:25:31,197 --> 00:25:33,950
[audience laughing, cheering]
532
00:25:36,410 --> 00:25:38,912
- Say goodnight, Bubba J.
- Thanks, Milwaukee!
533
00:25:38,913 --> 00:25:40,580
Merry Christmas! Happy New Year!
534
00:25:40,581 --> 00:25:42,375
[audience cheering]
535
00:25:43,376 --> 00:25:46,087
[indistinct Bubba J chatter,
goofy laughter]
536
00:25:51,217 --> 00:25:53,218
For the next cast member in our movie,
537
00:25:53,219 --> 00:25:57,013
I realized I had the perfect guy
to play Tiny Tim.
538
00:25:57,014 --> 00:25:59,432
He's a semi-professional
ventriloquist dummy
539
00:25:59,433 --> 00:26:02,060
that I designed
and just happen to sell online
540
00:26:02,061 --> 00:26:03,728
and on Amazon, but...
541
00:26:03,729 --> 00:26:07,941
this is the brand-new and improved
and cuter version 2.0
542
00:26:07,942 --> 00:26:09,359
for kids and adults.
543
00:26:09,360 --> 00:26:11,987
Please help me welcome
the perfect Christmas present
544
00:26:11,988 --> 00:26:15,490
- for any new ventriloquist, Little Jeff.
- [upbeat rock music playing]
545
00:26:15,491 --> 00:26:19,036
[audience cheering]
546
00:26:29,588 --> 00:26:31,006
How you doing, Little Jeff?
547
00:26:31,007 --> 00:26:33,925
Oh, I'm doing just fine, Jeff.
Thank you very much.
548
00:26:33,926 --> 00:26:35,760
Okay. And you know where we are?
549
00:26:35,761 --> 00:26:38,972
Oh, yeah, sure.
We're in Milwaukee, Wisconsin.
550
00:26:38,973 --> 00:26:40,473
- That's right.
- Yeah.
551
00:26:40,474 --> 00:26:43,102
[audience cheering]
552
00:26:45,146 --> 00:26:48,773
In the lovely and historic Pabst Theater.
553
00:26:48,774 --> 00:26:49,858
- That's right.
- Yeah.
554
00:26:49,859 --> 00:26:52,944
- Where you have dressed me like a bum.
- Hey.
555
00:26:52,945 --> 00:26:56,323
Okay, we're really not supposed
to use the word 'bum' anymore.
556
00:26:56,324 --> 00:26:58,366
Oh, my apologies.
557
00:26:58,367 --> 00:27:00,702
- It's offensive to some folks.
- That's right.
558
00:27:00,703 --> 00:27:03,246
Why am I dressed like this?!
559
00:27:03,247 --> 00:27:05,999
Looks like Goodwill went to ill will.
560
00:27:06,000 --> 00:27:07,459
[audience laughing]
561
00:27:07,460 --> 00:27:10,545
- Or I need a freaking will.
- All right.
562
00:27:10,546 --> 00:27:12,213
Am I supposed to be homeless?
563
00:27:12,214 --> 00:27:14,174
- It's not homeless.
- But wait a minute!
564
00:27:14,175 --> 00:27:16,343
The other guys and I
already live in boxes,
565
00:27:16,344 --> 00:27:18,470
so we are kind of homeless already.
566
00:27:18,471 --> 00:27:21,097
Just look.
We're going to be shooting a movie,
567
00:27:21,098 --> 00:27:23,933
- and I want you to play Tiny Tim.
- Who you calling tiny?
568
00:27:23,934 --> 00:27:25,852
No, it's just a character name.
569
00:27:25,853 --> 00:27:29,522
Well, I don't like it. I'm taller
than Tom Cruise, I'll have you know.
570
00:27:29,523 --> 00:27:30,899
[audience laughing]
571
00:27:30,900 --> 00:27:32,568
Shut up! I am!
572
00:27:33,361 --> 00:27:36,154
He does his own stunts
'cause little guys don't get hurt.
573
00:27:36,155 --> 00:27:38,323
[audience laughing]
574
00:27:38,324 --> 00:27:39,949
- I didn't know that.
- Oh, sure.
575
00:27:39,950 --> 00:27:43,244
You can carry him around
in one of those frickin' suitcases, too.
576
00:27:43,245 --> 00:27:46,247
See, he could be in A Christmas Carol.
Tiny Tom.
577
00:27:46,248 --> 00:27:48,500
- [audience laughing]
- I don't think so.
578
00:27:48,501 --> 00:27:53,088
Tiny Tom and Tiny Tim could fight
Evil Scrooge. [laughing]
579
00:27:53,089 --> 00:27:55,173
[laughing]
580
00:27:55,174 --> 00:27:57,093
I got a weapon right here. Hi-ya!
581
00:27:57,885 --> 00:28:01,472
Hi-ya!
[hums Mission Impossible theme]
582
00:28:04,225 --> 00:28:06,184
[audience laughing]
583
00:28:06,185 --> 00:28:09,854
- Can you put that down, please?
- Okay, whatever. Not like it's my crutch.
584
00:28:09,855 --> 00:28:11,523
[audience laughing]
585
00:28:11,524 --> 00:28:13,858
This jerk hot-glued it in my hand.
I hate you.
586
00:28:13,859 --> 00:28:15,945
- All right.
- [audience laughing]
587
00:28:17,738 --> 00:28:20,073
I don't look like this
when you're buying a box.
588
00:28:20,074 --> 00:28:22,617
I don't have on my stupid hat
and the bum clothes.
589
00:28:22,618 --> 00:28:24,285
You're not-- don't say "bum."
590
00:28:24,286 --> 00:28:27,122
Bum bum. Bum bum bum.
Bum bum bum bum.
591
00:28:27,123 --> 00:28:30,668
Bum-bum, bum-bum-bum, bum-bum. Hi-ya!
592
00:28:34,839 --> 00:28:36,590
[humming]
593
00:28:37,842 --> 00:28:40,135
Dee-dee-dee-dee-dee,
dun-dun-dun.
594
00:28:40,136 --> 00:28:41,636
- Can we go on?
- I don't care.
595
00:28:41,637 --> 00:28:44,055
- I forgot where we were.
- Mil-wau-kee.
596
00:28:44,056 --> 00:28:46,725
- I know that.
- [audience laughing]
597
00:28:48,018 --> 00:28:50,478
Be nice, or Santa Clause won't bring
you anything.
598
00:28:50,479 --> 00:28:52,313
That fat guy never gave me nothin'!
599
00:28:52,314 --> 00:28:54,441
Really? Maybe 'cause you're not nice.
600
00:28:54,442 --> 00:28:55,775
- I'm nice!
- You sure?
601
00:28:55,776 --> 00:28:56,818
Ahh...
602
00:28:56,819 --> 00:28:58,945
Santa knows when you're naughty and nice.
603
00:28:58,946 --> 00:29:01,531
Why does no one find it creepy
that Santa does
604
00:29:01,532 --> 00:29:03,950
constant surveillance on your kids?
605
00:29:03,951 --> 00:29:06,203
[audience laughing]
606
00:29:07,121 --> 00:29:09,831
So, I'm curious--
do you have any Christmas traditions?
607
00:29:09,832 --> 00:29:11,583
- Yeah, I like to go to Vegas.
- Ah.
608
00:29:11,584 --> 00:29:13,419
Does it feel like Christmas in Vegas?
609
00:29:13,919 --> 00:29:16,004
It does
when the strippers wear Santa hats.
610
00:29:16,005 --> 00:29:17,882
[audience laughing]
611
00:29:20,634 --> 00:29:22,635
You know we're making a Christmas movie?
612
00:29:22,636 --> 00:29:25,680
Is it one of the horrible sappy ones
on the Hallmark Channel
613
00:29:25,681 --> 00:29:27,515
that make me wanna dropkick a cat?
614
00:29:27,516 --> 00:29:29,309
[audience laughing]
615
00:29:29,310 --> 00:29:32,061
No. Like I said, it's our version
of A Christmas Carol.
616
00:29:32,062 --> 00:29:33,980
Oh, that sounds fantastic!
617
00:29:33,981 --> 00:29:36,024
Any big stars in this movie?
618
00:29:36,025 --> 00:29:37,358
Uh, well, I'll be in it.
619
00:29:37,359 --> 00:29:39,444
So that would be 'no.' Anybody else?
620
00:29:39,445 --> 00:29:40,778
[audience laughing]
621
00:29:40,779 --> 00:29:42,572
All of us, including you.
622
00:29:42,573 --> 00:29:45,116
If you say you want me
to be a tiny little elf,
623
00:29:45,117 --> 00:29:47,786
I will Tom Cruise you. Hi-ya!
624
00:29:48,662 --> 00:29:50,622
Look, in this story, Tiny Tim is dying.
625
00:29:50,623 --> 00:29:51,998
Aw, how come?
626
00:29:51,999 --> 00:29:55,335
- Well--
- You wrote his jokes? [laughing]
627
00:29:55,336 --> 00:29:58,671
That's funny crap right there.
That's a good one. I got you there.
628
00:29:58,672 --> 00:30:01,299
- Does this Tiny Tim have a job?
- No.
629
00:30:01,300 --> 00:30:03,843
So, he's unemployed and he's a foreigner.
630
00:30:03,844 --> 00:30:06,137
Bus him to California.
They'll love his ass.
631
00:30:06,138 --> 00:30:09,475
[audience laughing, cheering]
632
00:30:15,564 --> 00:30:18,900
- And Tiny Tim needs medical help?
- Yeah, some kind of operation.
633
00:30:18,901 --> 00:30:21,819
Oh, so then Tiny Tim becomes Tiny Tina?
634
00:30:21,820 --> 00:30:23,697
[audience laughing]
635
00:30:24,365 --> 00:30:26,407
Why don't we talk about Christmas carols?
636
00:30:26,408 --> 00:30:28,910
Maybe you could sing one
at the end of the movie.
637
00:30:28,911 --> 00:30:30,871
What? I don't know any Christmas carols.
638
00:30:31,372 --> 00:30:33,873
- I bet you know more than you think.
- I don't know.
639
00:30:33,874 --> 00:30:35,959
I'll give you a line or two of the song,
640
00:30:35,960 --> 00:30:38,337
and I think the rest will just pop
into your head.
641
00:30:38,837 --> 00:30:41,089
- Okay, whatever.
- ♪ O Holy Night ♪
642
00:30:41,090 --> 00:30:44,259
♪ I think you're out of tune ♪
643
00:30:44,260 --> 00:30:46,386
[audience laughing]
644
00:30:46,387 --> 00:30:48,638
♪ Deck the halls with boughs of holly ♪
645
00:30:48,639 --> 00:30:51,182
♪ No one knows what the heck
a bough is ♪
646
00:30:51,183 --> 00:30:53,060
[audience laughing]
647
00:30:53,894 --> 00:30:56,646
♪ Hark, the herald angels sing ♪
648
00:30:56,647 --> 00:30:59,649
♪ Who is Harold and is he a queen? ♪
649
00:30:59,650 --> 00:31:01,902
[audience laughing]
650
00:31:03,946 --> 00:31:07,073
♪ O come all ye faithful ♪
651
00:31:07,074 --> 00:31:10,243
♪ I can't believe you said that ♪
652
00:31:10,244 --> 00:31:12,705
[audience laughing]
653
00:31:15,624 --> 00:31:18,919
[audience cheering]
654
00:31:23,424 --> 00:31:25,842
♪ Silent Night ♪
655
00:31:25,843 --> 00:31:27,885
♪ Your hearing ain't right ♪
656
00:31:27,886 --> 00:31:29,847
[audience laughing]
657
00:31:30,472 --> 00:31:33,016
♪ What child is this? ♪
658
00:31:33,017 --> 00:31:35,435
♪ With Maury Povich ♪
659
00:31:35,436 --> 00:31:37,771
[audience laughing]
660
00:31:40,899 --> 00:31:42,859
♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells ♪
661
00:31:42,860 --> 00:31:44,736
♪ If you're wearing them, you're gay ♪
662
00:31:44,737 --> 00:31:47,155
- No!
- [audience laughing]
663
00:31:47,156 --> 00:31:49,991
♪ God rest ye, merry gentlemen ♪
664
00:31:49,992 --> 00:31:52,243
♪ The hookers went away ♪
665
00:31:52,244 --> 00:31:54,330
[audience laughing]
666
00:31:58,751 --> 00:32:00,543
Do you hear what I hear?
667
00:32:00,544 --> 00:32:02,462
Nope. You have voices in your head.
668
00:32:02,463 --> 00:32:04,590
[audience laughing]
669
00:32:06,258 --> 00:32:09,219
[audience cheering]
670
00:32:13,641 --> 00:32:15,266
I'll have a blue Christmas.
671
00:32:15,267 --> 00:32:16,809
Thank you, Viagra.
672
00:32:16,810 --> 00:32:18,186
[audience laughing]
673
00:32:18,187 --> 00:32:19,604
Say goodnight, Little Jeff.
674
00:32:19,605 --> 00:32:21,939
Thanks, everybody! Yay!
675
00:32:21,940 --> 00:32:23,942
- [audience cheering]
- Thank you!
676
00:32:28,989 --> 00:32:29,990
[Jeff] Thank you.
677
00:32:30,866 --> 00:32:34,911
The Ghost of Christmas Present
was another bit of easy casting for me,
678
00:32:34,912 --> 00:32:38,790
because there's no one more present
or in your face than this purple guy.
679
00:32:38,791 --> 00:32:41,876
Please help me welcome
my old friend, Peanut!
680
00:32:41,877 --> 00:32:44,171
- [audience cheering]
- [upbeat rock music]
681
00:32:56,558 --> 00:32:58,935
- Heya, Peanut.
- Doin' pretty good. How about you?
682
00:32:58,936 --> 00:33:01,562
- I'm fine.
- That's [gibberish]. That's good!
683
00:33:01,563 --> 00:33:05,274
- [laughing] Ha ha!
- Stop it! Cut it out.
684
00:33:05,275 --> 00:33:08,903
- So, what's up, Jeff-fa-fa?
- As I've been telling the other guys,
685
00:33:08,904 --> 00:33:12,115
you know we're going to be shooting
a Christmas movie next year.
686
00:33:12,116 --> 00:33:14,450
- Yes!
- What's your favorite part of Christmas?
687
00:33:14,451 --> 00:33:16,619
- The MILF on a shelf.
- [audience laughing]
688
00:33:16,620 --> 00:33:20,456
Oh, sorry. Elf.
Elf, elf, elf on a shelf.
689
00:33:20,457 --> 00:33:23,209
Sorry, I get those two mixed up sometimes.
690
00:33:23,210 --> 00:33:25,628
Well, my friend's mom is incredibly hot.
691
00:33:25,629 --> 00:33:27,672
- Right.
- And incredibly short.
692
00:33:27,673 --> 00:33:29,340
- So, "MILF on a shelf."
- Stop it.
693
00:33:29,341 --> 00:33:31,426
Okay, sorry. [laughing]
Ha ha!
694
00:33:31,427 --> 00:33:33,387
- Stop!
- [audience laughing]
695
00:33:34,263 --> 00:33:36,347
Can't wait to kiss her under the camelt--
696
00:33:36,348 --> 00:33:38,307
Mistletoe, mistletoe, mistletoe!
697
00:33:38,308 --> 00:33:40,227
[audience laughing]
698
00:33:41,228 --> 00:33:42,771
Mistletoe. Sorry.
699
00:33:46,400 --> 00:33:48,485
[audience laughing]
700
00:33:51,989 --> 00:33:52,947
Sorry.
701
00:33:52,948 --> 00:33:55,616
[laughing]
702
00:33:55,617 --> 00:33:56,701
Okay, what's up?
703
00:33:56,702 --> 00:33:59,537
Do you know who I want you to play
in A Christmas Carol?
704
00:33:59,538 --> 00:34:01,414
- The rabbi!
- No. No.
705
00:34:01,415 --> 00:34:03,166
- There is no rabbi. No.
- Really?
706
00:34:03,167 --> 00:34:05,376
- Racist!
- Stop it.
707
00:34:05,377 --> 00:34:08,421
There's no rabbi in the original story
of A Christmas Carol.
708
00:34:08,422 --> 00:34:10,548
- You should change that.
- No, I shouldn't.
709
00:34:10,549 --> 00:34:13,342
Jeff, these days you have to be diverse
in your hiring.
710
00:34:13,343 --> 00:34:14,552
- I know.
- And equitable.
711
00:34:14,553 --> 00:34:16,304
- Yes.
- And inclusive.
712
00:34:16,305 --> 00:34:17,472
You're here.
713
00:34:17,473 --> 00:34:19,932
[audience laughing]
714
00:34:19,933 --> 00:34:23,227
- The hell does that mean?
- Well, you're not exactly typical.
715
00:34:23,228 --> 00:34:25,897
Oh, really? Well, neither are you.
716
00:34:25,898 --> 00:34:28,399
- I'm not purple.
- [audience laughing]
717
00:34:28,400 --> 00:34:31,652
- I'm "of color."
- [audience laughing]
718
00:34:31,653 --> 00:34:33,863
No one who is "of color" is purple.
719
00:34:33,864 --> 00:34:35,198
[scoffs] Barney?
720
00:34:35,199 --> 00:34:36,949
- Well...
- [audience laughs]
721
00:34:36,950 --> 00:34:39,577
- Grimace?
- [audience laughing]
722
00:34:39,578 --> 00:34:42,330
Peanut, those guys are all fake.
You're real.
723
00:34:42,331 --> 00:34:45,209
[audience laughing]
724
00:34:48,796 --> 00:34:53,216
I'm just gonna let that hang
in the air for a while
725
00:34:53,217 --> 00:34:56,260
until everyone figures out
you're a danger to yourself
726
00:34:56,261 --> 00:34:59,931
- and those around you.
- [audience laughing]
727
00:34:59,932 --> 00:35:03,142
In the movie, I want you to play
the Ghost of Christmas Present.
728
00:35:03,143 --> 00:35:04,268
- Sounds great!
- Right.
729
00:35:04,269 --> 00:35:06,437
You enter Scrooge's bedroom
wearing a robe.
730
00:35:06,438 --> 00:35:10,191
- Oh, I'll be like Hugh Hefner. "Hello."
- [audience laughing]
731
00:35:10,192 --> 00:35:12,985
No, but you tell Scrooge
that unless he helps Tiny Tim,
732
00:35:12,986 --> 00:35:14,111
the boy will die.
733
00:35:14,112 --> 00:35:16,864
Why don't we make it
that Walter dies instead?
734
00:35:16,865 --> 00:35:18,574
He's old. It's time, Jeff.
735
00:35:18,575 --> 00:35:19,909
[audience laughing]
736
00:35:19,910 --> 00:35:22,703
Come on, he's made of wood.
So, instead of a cremation,
737
00:35:22,704 --> 00:35:26,165
- we'll have a campfire and make s'mores.
- [audience laughing]
738
00:35:26,166 --> 00:35:27,500
- That's terrible.
- Wait!
739
00:35:27,501 --> 00:35:30,294
You said
I'm the Ghost of Christmas Present?
740
00:35:30,295 --> 00:35:32,547
- Yes.
- So, I give presents?
741
00:35:32,548 --> 00:35:35,466
No, not "presents."
I said "present," as in "now."
742
00:35:35,467 --> 00:35:39,011
I'm changing it. I'm the Ghost
of Christmas Presents. Yay!
743
00:35:39,012 --> 00:35:42,974
In fact, I have a Christmas present
for you, Jeff.
744
00:35:42,975 --> 00:35:44,851
- For me?
- Yes. Marnell!
745
00:35:44,852 --> 00:35:48,020
- What are you doing?
- It's okay. I already set up with Marnell.
746
00:35:48,021 --> 00:35:49,897
- Marnell!
- Don't yell at Marnell.
747
00:35:49,898 --> 00:35:51,691
I always yell at Marnell. Marnell!
748
00:35:51,692 --> 00:35:54,360
Oh, look, there it is.
There's the Christmas present!
749
00:35:54,361 --> 00:35:57,113
Look it, look it.
Marnell, you gotta help Jeff open it
750
00:35:57,114 --> 00:35:58,990
'cause one of his hands is occupied.
751
00:35:58,991 --> 00:36:02,243
Well, I don't know. You do a lot
with one hand, don't you, Jeff?
752
00:36:02,244 --> 00:36:04,745
[audience laughing]
753
00:36:04,746 --> 00:36:07,415
- [laughing] Ha ha!
- Stop it!
754
00:36:07,416 --> 00:36:09,500
Thank you, Marnell. Marnell.
755
00:36:09,501 --> 00:36:11,502
[deeper voice] Marnell. Marnell.
756
00:36:11,503 --> 00:36:13,130
[audience laughing]
757
00:36:16,341 --> 00:36:20,220
What white guy's named Marnell?
It makes no sense whatsoever.
758
00:36:21,054 --> 00:36:23,556
And his last name is White.
What the [bleep]?
759
00:36:23,557 --> 00:36:25,893
[audience laughing]
760
00:36:30,564 --> 00:36:33,649
You know you thought
you were diversity hiring
761
00:36:33,650 --> 00:36:36,694
when you hired 'Marnell White,"
then that [bleep] showed up.
762
00:36:36,695 --> 00:36:40,782
[audience laughing, cheering]
763
00:36:45,162 --> 00:36:46,538
[Jeff chuckling, stuttering]
764
00:36:48,290 --> 00:36:49,165
- Open it!
- But...
765
00:36:49,166 --> 00:36:51,459
[high-pitch voice]
Open it, open it, open it!
766
00:36:51,460 --> 00:36:52,793
[audience laughing]
767
00:36:52,794 --> 00:36:54,712
[mumbling indistinctly]
768
00:36:54,713 --> 00:36:56,005
Oh. [scoffs]
769
00:36:56,006 --> 00:36:58,382
Look, it's the Peanut ventriloquist dummy!
770
00:36:58,383 --> 00:37:00,426
I'm so excited! Look at that!
771
00:37:00,427 --> 00:37:03,263
[audience cheering]
772
00:37:06,308 --> 00:37:07,683
So great! Look at that!
773
00:37:07,684 --> 00:37:10,519
Tell 'em about the box. The box!
Tell 'em about the box!
774
00:37:10,520 --> 00:37:12,271
- Just the freakin' box!
- Okay.
775
00:37:12,272 --> 00:37:15,608
So, even the box is great.
We made it like a little steamer trunk.
776
00:37:15,609 --> 00:37:18,402
It has stickers on it and a handle.
It's easy to carry.
777
00:37:18,403 --> 00:37:20,237
And this can be for kids or adults.
778
00:37:20,238 --> 00:37:23,282
Way to go, Jeff. You're doin' great.
Now, show 'em the doll.
779
00:37:23,283 --> 00:37:26,452
It's such a great dummy. It's handsome.
It's me. It's so great!
780
00:37:26,453 --> 00:37:27,870
[audience laughing]
781
00:37:27,871 --> 00:37:29,289
- Show 'em!
- Okay.
782
00:37:31,083 --> 00:37:33,626
Here it come, here it comes.
[excited laughing]
783
00:37:33,627 --> 00:37:36,587
Oh, look, it's a little Peanut!
[squealing]
784
00:37:36,588 --> 00:37:38,673
[audience cheering]
785
00:37:38,674 --> 00:37:40,467
Yay!
786
00:37:43,595 --> 00:37:45,888
So great! Tell them about it.
787
00:37:45,889 --> 00:37:48,766
Okay, well, this is actually
a very high quality product.
788
00:37:48,767 --> 00:37:51,143
- It's a legit ventriloquist dummy.
- Not a doll!
789
00:37:51,144 --> 00:37:53,813
- No, it's not a--
- No string in the back of the neck!
790
00:37:53,814 --> 00:37:55,564
- He's a hollow body.
- Hollow body!
791
00:37:55,565 --> 00:37:57,191
- And there's a stick.
- A stick!
792
00:37:57,192 --> 00:37:59,151
- It's called a head stick.
- Head stick!
793
00:37:59,152 --> 00:38:01,570
- And you can move it around.
- There's a trigger!
794
00:38:01,571 --> 00:38:05,408
Trigger on the stick, and you can make him
move like that and make him talk.
795
00:38:05,409 --> 00:38:07,576
Show 'em how it works.
Show 'em! Show 'em!
796
00:38:07,577 --> 00:38:09,370
- Show them?
- Show 'em how it works!
797
00:38:09,371 --> 00:38:11,789
- You just can't do it. Show 'em.
- Oh. All right.
798
00:38:11,790 --> 00:38:14,501
- [screaming]
- [audience laughing]
799
00:38:15,961 --> 00:38:19,088
What the hell? What did you do?
800
00:38:19,089 --> 00:38:23,384
W-what? I'm gonna be in therapy
for ten years now! What did you do?
801
00:38:23,385 --> 00:38:25,594
I-- you wanted me to show them
how it works.
802
00:38:25,595 --> 00:38:28,514
Not pull his head off!
What is wrong with you?
803
00:38:28,515 --> 00:38:30,057
[audience laughing]
804
00:38:30,058 --> 00:38:31,560
Put it back!
805
00:38:32,477 --> 00:38:34,979
You are a sick man deep down.
806
00:38:34,980 --> 00:38:37,481
- [audience laughing]
- Okay, so there he is.
807
00:38:37,482 --> 00:38:40,317
Anyway, like I said,
a high quality product.
808
00:38:40,318 --> 00:38:42,486
And even the feet and the hands,
809
00:38:42,487 --> 00:38:44,530
I 3D scanned the real Peanut.
810
00:38:44,531 --> 00:38:46,574
Yeah, and now I have cancer.
811
00:38:46,575 --> 00:38:49,327
[audience laughing]
812
00:38:51,705 --> 00:38:53,247
Okay, make him talk.
813
00:38:53,248 --> 00:38:54,875
- What?
- Make him talk.
814
00:38:55,667 --> 00:38:57,710
- Make him...
- Yeah, make him talk.
815
00:38:57,711 --> 00:39:00,588
- Okay, but that's ventriloquism.
- Right.
816
00:39:00,589 --> 00:39:02,006
- It's not easy.
- No.
817
00:39:02,007 --> 00:39:03,799
- Lot of practice.
- Lot of practice!
818
00:39:03,800 --> 00:39:05,301
- Right? Okay.
- Good.
819
00:39:05,302 --> 00:39:09,055
I mean, first you have to learn how
to talk without moving your lips,
820
00:39:09,056 --> 00:39:12,016
and then you have to learn how
to throw your voice,
821
00:39:12,017 --> 00:39:14,977
and then you have to learn how
to make your voice different
822
00:39:14,978 --> 00:39:17,773
so it's not the same as yours,
and then have to learn how
823
00:39:18,273 --> 00:39:20,357
to manipulate it
and make him come to life.
824
00:39:20,358 --> 00:39:22,902
Jeff, make the [bleep] doll talk.
825
00:39:22,903 --> 00:39:26,364
[audience laughing, cheering]
826
00:39:31,620 --> 00:39:36,248
Look, I don't really do this.
I just sell the dummy, uh...
827
00:39:36,249 --> 00:39:38,459
But I guess I can figure this out.
828
00:39:38,460 --> 00:39:40,711
So, uh, once for each syllable...
829
00:39:40,712 --> 00:39:42,798
Okay, here we go.
[clears throat] Okay.
830
00:39:44,633 --> 00:39:47,134
[Southern accent] Hi, look at me!
I'm Peanut!
831
00:39:47,135 --> 00:39:50,137
I'm just sittin' up here.
I'm an ugly little guy.
832
00:39:50,138 --> 00:39:52,056
Look, I got a big purple head,
833
00:39:52,057 --> 00:39:54,934
and I got a green thing coming out
of the top of my head.
834
00:39:54,935 --> 00:39:57,144
I look like a pineapple gone bad!
835
00:39:57,145 --> 00:39:59,980
That's what I look like.
[goofy laughter]
836
00:39:59,981 --> 00:40:01,857
Hey, look, I got only one shoe.
837
00:40:01,858 --> 00:40:04,276
Did I lose a shoe or did I find a shoe?
838
00:40:04,277 --> 00:40:06,153
I'm so stupid, I don't know.
839
00:40:06,154 --> 00:40:08,990
Blah...!
840
00:40:10,075 --> 00:40:13,578
[audience laughing, cheering]
841
00:40:20,085 --> 00:40:22,253
The hell was that?
842
00:40:22,254 --> 00:40:24,755
What the hell was what, Big Ugly Peanut?
843
00:40:24,756 --> 00:40:28,926
It's just me, Little Handsome Peanut
talking to Big Handsome Jeff.
844
00:40:28,927 --> 00:40:30,386
We're just up here talkin'.
845
00:40:30,387 --> 00:40:33,597
Oh, look. Exorcist. Errr...
846
00:40:33,598 --> 00:40:35,267
[audience laughing]
847
00:40:35,976 --> 00:40:39,855
[goofy laughter]
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah...
848
00:40:41,731 --> 00:40:43,900
[audience laughing]
849
00:40:49,489 --> 00:40:50,990
Payback's a bitch.
850
00:40:50,991 --> 00:40:54,077
[audience laughing, cheering]
851
00:41:02,502 --> 00:41:06,714
Okay, first of all,
that sounds nothing like me.
852
00:41:06,715 --> 00:41:09,216
Oh, well, I don't do impressions.
853
00:41:09,217 --> 00:41:12,095
[audience laughing]
854
00:41:17,475 --> 00:41:20,561
No, Ugly Peanut,
he doesn't do impressions.
855
00:41:20,562 --> 00:41:22,646
This is just how I talk.
[goofy laughter]
856
00:41:22,647 --> 00:41:25,900
That sounds stupid.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah...
857
00:41:25,901 --> 00:41:27,986
[gibberish noises]
858
00:41:28,820 --> 00:41:31,990
[wild laugh] Blah...
859
00:41:33,200 --> 00:41:36,368
[audience laughing]
860
00:41:36,369 --> 00:41:37,828
I'm gonna [bleep] kill you.
861
00:41:37,829 --> 00:41:39,496
[audience laughing]
862
00:41:39,497 --> 00:41:42,833
Oh, no! Big Ugly Peanut,
don't drop the f-bomb!
863
00:41:42,834 --> 00:41:44,336
People get upset when you do that.
864
00:41:44,836 --> 00:41:47,546
He's gotta talk and tell stupid jokes.
Blah, blah.
865
00:41:47,547 --> 00:41:49,673
I'm funny, telling stupid jokes.
Blurr...
866
00:41:49,674 --> 00:41:52,219
[audience laughing]
867
00:41:58,975 --> 00:42:00,809
I'm gonna hire Achmed...
868
00:42:00,810 --> 00:42:03,062
[audience laughing]
869
00:42:03,063 --> 00:42:06,148
to get on the tour bus,
sneak in your bunk,
870
00:42:06,149 --> 00:42:08,943
- and murder you in your sleep.
- [audience laughing]
871
00:42:08,944 --> 00:42:11,987
Oh, no! Big Ugly Peanut, don't kill Jeff!
872
00:42:11,988 --> 00:42:14,365
'Cause if he's dead,
we're all out of work.
873
00:42:14,366 --> 00:42:18,410
[wild laughing]
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah...
874
00:42:18,411 --> 00:42:20,788
[audience laughing]
875
00:42:20,789 --> 00:42:22,665
- Are you finished?
- Yeah, I think so.
876
00:42:22,666 --> 00:42:24,959
- This wasn't funny.
- Oh, it was really funny.
877
00:42:24,960 --> 00:42:26,585
- I did not like it.
- I loved it.
878
00:42:26,586 --> 00:42:28,087
- Fine. Fine.
- Fine. Fine.
879
00:42:28,088 --> 00:42:29,421
- Big Peanut...
- That's me.
880
00:42:29,422 --> 00:42:31,131
- ...and Little Peanut.
- That's me.
881
00:42:31,132 --> 00:42:32,716
[all three chuckling]
882
00:42:32,717 --> 00:42:35,178
[audience cheering]
883
00:42:38,223 --> 00:42:40,099
And that's Peanut, ladies and gentlemen!
884
00:42:40,100 --> 00:42:42,978
- Thank you!
- [audience cheering]
885
00:42:45,897 --> 00:42:48,691
[Jeff] Thank you.
So, there's a character in my act
886
00:42:48,692 --> 00:42:50,943
that I knew would be perfect
to play Death.
887
00:42:50,944 --> 00:42:52,861
I think many of you know who that is.
888
00:42:52,862 --> 00:42:56,156
Please help me welcome
the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come.
889
00:42:56,157 --> 00:42:58,994
- [upbeat rock music playing]
- [audience cheering]
890
00:43:06,459 --> 00:43:10,212
[cackling]
891
00:43:10,213 --> 00:43:12,881
[vaguely Arabic accent]
Greetings and ho-ho-ho!
892
00:43:12,882 --> 00:43:16,176
Merry Christmas, infidels!
893
00:43:16,177 --> 00:43:18,930
[audience cheering]
894
00:43:19,889 --> 00:43:23,058
Um, Achmed, why do you have on that hat?
895
00:43:23,059 --> 00:43:24,643
I am Santa Claus.
896
00:43:24,644 --> 00:43:26,186
- No, you're not.
- Yes, I am.
897
00:43:26,187 --> 00:43:28,480
We are in the movie A Christmas Carol,
898
00:43:28,481 --> 00:43:32,151
and I am here, Santa Claus,
to bring Christmas joy
899
00:43:32,152 --> 00:43:34,862
to all the evil infidel children
around the world.
900
00:43:34,863 --> 00:43:36,405
[laughing]
901
00:43:36,406 --> 00:43:39,408
In the story A Christmas Carol,
there is no Santa Claus.
902
00:43:39,409 --> 00:43:42,536
What is that line from that old movie,
Miracle on 34th Street?
903
00:43:42,537 --> 00:43:47,207
Ah, yes. [clears throat]
Yes, Virgin, there is a Santa Claus.
904
00:43:47,208 --> 00:43:48,667
- Achmed...
- Santa!
905
00:43:48,668 --> 00:43:51,253
And I am right here.
Ho-ho-ho!
906
00:43:51,254 --> 00:43:53,505
Virgin, you need a ho.
907
00:43:53,506 --> 00:43:55,716
[audience laughing]
908
00:43:55,717 --> 00:43:57,259
- Achmed...
- I am Santa,
909
00:43:57,260 --> 00:44:00,637
and I have a Christmas song
to sing to Scrooge.
910
00:44:00,638 --> 00:44:02,931
- Well...
- It's called "Deck the Hell."
911
00:44:02,932 --> 00:44:05,809
[clears throat] La la...
912
00:44:05,810 --> 00:44:09,021
[to tune of "Deck the Halls"]
♪Death to my pal, Ebenezer ♪
913
00:44:09,022 --> 00:44:12,441
♪ Fa la-la la-la, la-la, bye-bye ♪
914
00:44:12,442 --> 00:44:15,361
♪ You will soon be one dead geezer ♪
915
00:44:15,362 --> 00:44:18,155
♪ Fa la-la la-la, la-la, you'll fry ♪
916
00:44:18,156 --> 00:44:21,241
♪ You can help that Tiny Timmy ♪
917
00:44:21,242 --> 00:44:24,244
♪ Fa la-la, la-la-la, or turn blue ♪
918
00:44:24,245 --> 00:44:27,456
♪ Take it from me, the Grim Reaper ♪
919
00:44:27,457 --> 00:44:33,337
♪ Fa la-la la-la, la... I killed you ♪
920
00:44:33,338 --> 00:44:35,923
[audience cheering]
921
00:44:35,924 --> 00:44:38,093
[Achmed] Thank you. Thank you.
922
00:44:40,011 --> 00:44:42,471
Achmed, what do you think
about becoming an actor?
923
00:44:42,472 --> 00:44:44,431
I will not do nude scenes.
924
00:44:44,432 --> 00:44:45,766
[audience laughing]
925
00:44:45,767 --> 00:44:48,143
- It's not funny!
- [audience laughing]
926
00:44:48,144 --> 00:44:51,480
When I say I am all bone,
it is not what you think.
927
00:44:51,481 --> 00:44:53,316
[audience laughing]
928
00:44:55,652 --> 00:44:58,237
So, are you familiar
with A Christmas Carol?
929
00:44:58,238 --> 00:45:00,989
Is she really angry like Christmas Karen?
930
00:45:00,990 --> 00:45:03,243
[audience laughing]
931
00:45:04,202 --> 00:45:06,078
- That's a different thing.
- I hope so.
932
00:45:06,079 --> 00:45:07,746
I'm scared of that crazy lady.
933
00:45:07,747 --> 00:45:09,164
[audience laughing]
934
00:45:09,165 --> 00:45:12,084
Do you know who visits Scrooge
in the middle of the night?
935
00:45:12,085 --> 00:45:14,545
[gasps] 72 virgins?
936
00:45:14,546 --> 00:45:16,004
[audience laughing]
937
00:45:16,005 --> 00:45:18,632
No. Scrooge gets woken up
in the middle of the night
938
00:45:18,633 --> 00:45:20,092
by three different folks.
939
00:45:20,093 --> 00:45:22,428
Oh, Seal Team Six.
940
00:45:22,429 --> 00:45:24,304
[audience laughing]
941
00:45:24,305 --> 00:45:27,224
- I knew a guy that happened to.
- Yeah?
942
00:45:27,225 --> 00:45:29,935
- Did not end well for him.
- No.
943
00:45:29,936 --> 00:45:31,645
- You're talking about Usama.
- Yes.
944
00:45:31,646 --> 00:45:33,188
That was awful what happened.
945
00:45:33,189 --> 00:45:35,482
- Well...
- Bitch owed me money!
946
00:45:35,483 --> 00:45:37,152
[audience laughing]
947
00:45:39,737 --> 00:45:41,029
- Hey, I was curious.
- Yes?
948
00:45:41,030 --> 00:45:43,198
Is the term 'elf' politically correct,
949
00:45:43,199 --> 00:45:47,161
or do we now have to call them
vertically-challenged North Poleans?
950
00:45:47,162 --> 00:45:49,288
[audience laughing]
951
00:45:49,289 --> 00:45:54,001
Also, I would like to thank my reindeer
for flying me here tonight.
952
00:45:54,002 --> 00:45:56,503
Much safer than on Boeing.
953
00:45:56,504 --> 00:45:58,672
[audience ooh's, laughing]
954
00:45:58,673 --> 00:46:00,382
Oh, too soon?
955
00:46:00,383 --> 00:46:01,675
[audience laughing]
956
00:46:01,676 --> 00:46:04,386
Ah, by the time this special airs,
it'll be fine.
957
00:46:04,387 --> 00:46:06,221
- Okay.
- [audience laughing]
958
00:46:06,222 --> 00:46:08,932
Wait, on second thought,
I don't think I can be Santa.
959
00:46:08,933 --> 00:46:11,059
- Why not?
- I'm on a no-fly list.
960
00:46:11,060 --> 00:46:12,769
[audience laughing]
961
00:46:12,770 --> 00:46:14,897
- It's not funny!
- [audience laughing]
962
00:46:14,898 --> 00:46:18,609
- I kill you from here!
- [laughing]
963
00:46:18,610 --> 00:46:21,653
Okay, look, A Christmas Carol takes place
at Christmas time.
964
00:46:21,654 --> 00:46:24,156
That doesn't mean there has to be
a Santa in our movie.
965
00:46:24,157 --> 00:46:26,116
Oh, come on! I'll be great!
966
00:46:26,117 --> 00:46:28,869
And I already did some trading
with the real Santa.
967
00:46:28,870 --> 00:46:30,454
- What?
- Yeah, I traded him
968
00:46:30,455 --> 00:46:33,540
eight of my best goats
for eight of his reindeer.
969
00:46:33,541 --> 00:46:36,543
- What?
- And they are virgin reindeer.
970
00:46:36,544 --> 00:46:38,879
[audience laughing]
971
00:46:38,880 --> 00:46:41,924
How do you know
if they're virgin reindeer?
972
00:46:41,925 --> 00:46:45,427
Uh, the red nose is still in tact.
973
00:46:45,428 --> 00:46:48,181
[audience laughing]
974
00:46:55,522 --> 00:46:57,815
[audience cheering]
975
00:47:00,235 --> 00:47:02,611
Some of them got it. Some of them didn't.
976
00:47:02,612 --> 00:47:04,488
- Okay.
- [audience laughing]
977
00:47:04,489 --> 00:47:06,198
- Achmed...
- Oh, come on, please?
978
00:47:06,199 --> 00:47:10,452
I can visit Tiny Tim and bring toys
made from Santa's workshop.
979
00:47:10,453 --> 00:47:13,330
Are the toys really made
in Santa's workshop?
980
00:47:13,331 --> 00:47:16,208
- Uh, yes.
- [audience laughing]
981
00:47:16,209 --> 00:47:19,711
But "Santa's Workshop" is now
the code word for China.
982
00:47:19,712 --> 00:47:21,713
[audience laughing]
983
00:47:21,714 --> 00:47:25,509
- Or as Trump calls it, "Gina."
- [audience laughing]
984
00:47:25,510 --> 00:47:27,928
[laughing] I was thinking the other day--
985
00:47:27,929 --> 00:47:30,722
it's a good thing
China is not in Virginia.
986
00:47:30,723 --> 00:47:34,226
Because then Trump would say,
"I'm having a rally in Vagina."
987
00:47:34,227 --> 00:47:37,021
- [goofy laughter]
- [audience laughing]
988
00:47:40,149 --> 00:47:42,026
[Achmed cackling]
989
00:47:42,527 --> 00:47:44,486
You don't think
the elves make the toys now?
990
00:47:44,487 --> 00:47:46,655
Well, Chinese kids are very small.
991
00:47:46,656 --> 00:47:48,407
- No. No. No.
- [audience laughing]
992
00:47:48,408 --> 00:47:50,450
Achmed, you can't make jokes like that.
993
00:47:50,451 --> 00:47:52,327
Too late, and do not call me Achmed.
994
00:47:52,328 --> 00:47:55,622
- My pronoun is now "Santa."
- [audience laughing]
995
00:47:55,623 --> 00:47:57,916
Santa is a name,
and a name is not a pronoun.
996
00:47:57,917 --> 00:47:59,334
It's a proper noun.
997
00:47:59,335 --> 00:48:03,046
You see, this is why you don't have
any friends outside the suitcase.
998
00:48:03,047 --> 00:48:05,048
[audience laughing]
999
00:48:05,049 --> 00:48:08,969
As Santa, I will have my list of kids
who are naughty and nice.
1000
00:48:08,970 --> 00:48:11,763
And by the way,
you know how Santa gets his list?
1001
00:48:11,764 --> 00:48:13,682
- No.
- The Chinese track the kid
1002
00:48:13,683 --> 00:48:15,183
on [bleep] TikTok.
1003
00:48:15,184 --> 00:48:18,646
[audience laughing, cheering]
1004
00:48:23,026 --> 00:48:25,235
- [Achmed] True story.
- [Jeff chuckling]
1005
00:48:25,236 --> 00:48:28,280
By the way, did you know
I used to be as big as Santa Claus?
1006
00:48:28,281 --> 00:48:32,326
- Yeah, but you know... [clunk]
- [audience laughing]
1007
00:48:32,327 --> 00:48:35,287
Look, if I played this ghost,
what are my lines?
1008
00:48:35,288 --> 00:48:37,456
- Oh, the ghost you play is silent.
- Silent?
1009
00:48:37,457 --> 00:48:39,541
- Right.
- You mean I don't say anything?
1010
00:48:39,542 --> 00:48:40,751
- That's correct.
- Oh.
1011
00:48:40,752 --> 00:48:43,670
How can I yell "silent"
if I'm always silent?
1012
00:48:43,671 --> 00:48:45,088
[audience laughing]
1013
00:48:45,089 --> 00:48:48,760
You take Scrooge to a cemetery
and simply point at his grave.
1014
00:48:52,180 --> 00:48:53,972
You want me to point?
1015
00:48:53,973 --> 00:48:56,893
[audience laughing]
1016
00:49:05,276 --> 00:49:08,236
- A little help.
- [audience laughing]
1017
00:49:08,237 --> 00:49:10,782
[audience laughing, cheering]
1018
00:49:23,211 --> 00:49:25,545
Did my arms just fall off?
1019
00:49:25,546 --> 00:49:29,216
Holy crap, I really was made in China!
1020
00:49:29,217 --> 00:49:31,386
[audience laughing]
1021
00:49:32,637 --> 00:49:34,971
- Are they down there?
- Yeah, they're down there.
1022
00:49:34,972 --> 00:49:37,140
- Where are they?
- No, don't-- you'll hurt--
1023
00:49:37,141 --> 00:49:39,726
Oh, no! Hold on a second.
Look, stop!
1024
00:49:39,727 --> 00:49:41,938
[indistinct arguing]
1025
00:49:42,814 --> 00:49:46,859
- [screaming]
- [audience laughing]
1026
00:49:51,114 --> 00:49:52,740
What the hell?
1027
00:49:54,200 --> 00:49:56,451
Now what do we do?
1028
00:49:56,452 --> 00:49:58,078
We can get some barbecue sauce.
1029
00:49:58,079 --> 00:50:00,123
[audience laughing]
1030
00:50:03,793 --> 00:50:06,671
[audience cheering]
1031
00:50:07,505 --> 00:50:10,591
- It's not funny!
- [audience laughing]
1032
00:50:12,719 --> 00:50:14,845
♪ I want my baby back, baby back... ♪
1033
00:50:14,846 --> 00:50:16,889
[audience laughing]
1034
00:50:20,309 --> 00:50:23,438
- Not funny!
- [audience laughing]
1035
00:50:26,899 --> 00:50:31,904
- Put my ribs back on me.
- [audience laughing]
1036
00:50:32,530 --> 00:50:36,199
- Say please.
- [audience laughing]
1037
00:50:36,200 --> 00:50:40,288
- [bleep] you.
- [audience laughing, cheering]
1038
00:50:45,626 --> 00:50:47,586
- Not funny!
- [audience laughing]
1039
00:50:47,587 --> 00:50:50,297
Stop laughing, or I will come down
and Monty Python it
1040
00:50:50,298 --> 00:50:53,550
- and bite your legs off!
- [audience laughing]
1041
00:50:53,551 --> 00:50:54,761
Silent!
1042
00:50:57,305 --> 00:50:59,265
[audience laughing]
1043
00:51:00,141 --> 00:51:01,641
- You're gonna go to war?
- What?
1044
00:51:01,642 --> 00:51:03,518
Take up arms and...
[snickers] ...go?
1045
00:51:03,519 --> 00:51:08,107
[audience laughing, cheering]
1046
00:51:13,780 --> 00:51:16,866
- [mocking] Oh, ha ha ha.
- [audience laughing]
1047
00:51:17,575 --> 00:51:18,409
Okay.
1048
00:51:21,204 --> 00:51:23,246
- Looks like you cracked a rib.
- Shut up!
1049
00:51:23,247 --> 00:51:25,665
[audience laughing]
1050
00:51:25,666 --> 00:51:28,044
- I remember 'cause I superglued it.
- Silence!
1051
00:51:29,003 --> 00:51:31,964
- [giggling]
- [audience laughing]
1052
00:51:35,009 --> 00:51:37,804
- [giggling]
- [audience laughing]
1053
00:51:48,147 --> 00:51:53,693
[giggling, snickering]
1054
00:51:53,694 --> 00:51:55,153
- Okay.
- I hate you!
1055
00:51:55,154 --> 00:51:57,155
[audience laughing]
1056
00:51:57,156 --> 00:51:58,991
Get my arms!
1057
00:52:09,001 --> 00:52:11,837
- Holy crap!
- [audience laughing]
1058
00:52:11,838 --> 00:52:14,464
I don't know which one's left
and which one's right.
1059
00:52:14,465 --> 00:52:15,925
[audience laughing]
1060
00:52:19,470 --> 00:52:22,640
I don't-- I don't know
how this goes in here.
1061
00:52:23,474 --> 00:52:27,311
- That's what she said.
- [audience laughing]
1062
00:52:28,813 --> 00:52:31,481
- Okay, next one.
- Look at that.
1063
00:52:31,482 --> 00:52:32,900
Cut it out!
1064
00:52:34,694 --> 00:52:36,736
[audience laughing]
1065
00:52:36,737 --> 00:52:39,447
- You're getting sleepy.
- Silence!
1066
00:52:39,448 --> 00:52:41,324
[audience laughing]
1067
00:52:41,325 --> 00:52:43,910
[Jeff chuckling] Hi.
1068
00:52:43,911 --> 00:52:45,538
[audience laughing]
1069
00:52:52,336 --> 00:52:54,755
[audience laughing]
1070
00:53:01,137 --> 00:53:04,056
- Thank you.
- All right, good to go. Here we go.
1071
00:53:05,725 --> 00:53:08,102
[audience laughing]
1072
00:53:12,523 --> 00:53:14,149
Ready? Okay!
1073
00:53:14,150 --> 00:53:16,444
[audience laughing]
1074
00:53:17,862 --> 00:53:19,989
[audience cheering]
1075
00:53:25,661 --> 00:53:27,621
The hell is that?
1076
00:53:27,622 --> 00:53:30,457
Well, my daughters were cheerleaders,
and I, you know...
1077
00:53:30,458 --> 00:53:32,418
- Fix my legs.
- Okay.
1078
00:53:33,085 --> 00:53:35,462
- Thank you. Thank you.
- Great.
1079
00:53:35,463 --> 00:53:37,632
[audience laughing]
1080
00:53:45,389 --> 00:53:46,390
Thank you.
1081
00:53:48,309 --> 00:53:51,019
- Very good. Than-- what the...?
- [audience laughing]
1082
00:53:51,020 --> 00:53:54,147
- Son of a bitch. What the...?
- [audience laughing]
1083
00:53:54,148 --> 00:53:56,816
- Okay, you're an asshole.
- [audience laughing]
1084
00:53:56,817 --> 00:53:58,944
Cut it out! The [bleep]?!
1085
00:53:58,945 --> 00:54:02,656
Stop it! Stop! Stop!
Stop touching my wiener!
1086
00:54:02,657 --> 00:54:05,076
- Okay!
- [audience laughing]
1087
00:54:10,122 --> 00:54:12,457
Don't touch your face.
You just touch my wiener.
1088
00:54:12,458 --> 00:54:14,794
- I...
- [audience laughing]
1089
00:54:15,503 --> 00:54:17,295
- All right, back to our movie.
- Okay.
1090
00:54:17,296 --> 00:54:19,464
Look, the story takes place in old London.
1091
00:54:19,465 --> 00:54:21,925
Do you know what the call Santa Claus
in England?
1092
00:54:21,926 --> 00:54:25,553
Hey, you fat American!
Get [bleep] off my roof!
1093
00:54:25,554 --> 00:54:28,432
[audience laughing, cheering]
1094
00:54:36,565 --> 00:54:38,149
- Achmed...
- I should've done that
1095
00:54:38,150 --> 00:54:40,610
with a British accent.
[clears throat]
1096
00:54:40,611 --> 00:54:45,448
[obnoxious vocal warm-ups]
1097
00:54:45,449 --> 00:54:48,243
- What the hell?
- [audience laughing]
1098
00:54:48,244 --> 00:54:51,454
Me with my accent doing a British accent?
1099
00:54:51,455 --> 00:54:53,373
What the hell does that sound like?
1100
00:54:53,374 --> 00:54:54,916
- I don't know.
- Clearly.
1101
00:54:54,917 --> 00:54:57,836
Because I just tried it,
and you almost lost a tonsil.
1102
00:54:57,837 --> 00:55:00,005
[audience laughing]
1103
00:55:00,006 --> 00:55:02,090
By the way, what is your accent?
1104
00:55:02,091 --> 00:55:04,259
- You're asking me?
- [audience laughing]
1105
00:55:04,260 --> 00:55:07,220
I-- I don't know. Middle Eastern?
1106
00:55:07,221 --> 00:55:08,639
Where in the Middle East?
1107
00:55:09,181 --> 00:55:12,392
- Iowa?
- [audience laughing]
1108
00:55:12,393 --> 00:55:15,562
I am telling you my fans want
to hear me speak.
1109
00:55:15,563 --> 00:55:18,523
Let's get some lines for my character.
1110
00:55:18,524 --> 00:55:20,650
- Like what?
- I don't know. [clears throat]
1111
00:55:20,651 --> 00:55:25,406
Hey Scrooge, I've got some good news
and some bad news.
1112
00:55:26,365 --> 00:55:28,993
[elderly voice] What's the bad news?
1113
00:55:30,077 --> 00:55:33,163
[audience laughing]
1114
00:55:33,164 --> 00:55:35,457
- What the hell was that?
- [audience laughing]
1115
00:55:35,458 --> 00:55:36,875
- I was acting.
- Well, don't.
1116
00:55:36,876 --> 00:55:40,045
- You're scaring the children. Do it again.
- [audience laughing]
1117
00:55:40,046 --> 00:55:43,006
- What's the bad news?
- If you keep living the way you do,
1118
00:55:43,007 --> 00:55:45,341
you will be dead by Christmas.
1119
00:55:45,342 --> 00:55:49,179
- What's the good news?
- I lost 200 pounds on Ozempic!
1120
00:55:49,180 --> 00:55:52,725
[audience laughing, cheering]
1121
00:55:54,643 --> 00:55:56,186
[Achmed laughing]
1122
00:55:56,187 --> 00:55:58,229
- Say goodnight, Achmed.
- Happy holidays!
1123
00:55:58,230 --> 00:56:00,690
- It's Achmed, the dead terrorist.
- I'll kill you!
1124
00:56:00,691 --> 00:56:02,943
[audience cheering]
1125
00:56:07,907 --> 00:56:09,116
[Jeff] Thank you.
1126
00:56:11,243 --> 00:56:13,036
- [Achmed] Infidel!
- What?
1127
00:56:13,037 --> 00:56:14,871
- [Achmed] Infidel, come back!
- What?
1128
00:56:14,872 --> 00:56:17,290
[Achmed]
I need you to give this to Peanut!
1129
00:56:17,291 --> 00:56:19,834
Oh, okay.
Yes, I will give this to Peanut for you.
1130
00:56:19,835 --> 00:56:21,878
There we go.
I will give that to Peanut.
1131
00:56:21,879 --> 00:56:24,090
- Very nice. There we go.
- [audience laughing]
1132
00:56:27,009 --> 00:56:29,511
- All right, so I th--
- [explosion]
1133
00:56:29,512 --> 00:56:31,847
[audience laughing]
1134
00:56:40,189 --> 00:56:42,900
[audience cheering]
1135
00:56:45,861 --> 00:56:48,363
[coughing]
1136
00:56:48,364 --> 00:56:51,950
Silence! I'll kill me!
1137
00:56:51,951 --> 00:56:54,828
And that's Achmed,
the dead, blown-up terrorist.
1138
00:56:54,829 --> 00:56:57,706
[audience cheering]
1139
00:56:59,834 --> 00:57:01,751
You guys have been
an awesome audience!
1140
00:57:01,752 --> 00:57:05,338
Thanks for coming out tonight!
We'll see you next time! Good night!
1141
00:57:05,339 --> 00:57:09,552
- [cheering]
- [upbeat rock music playing]
1142
00:57:19,603 --> 00:57:21,020
Thank you guys so much!
1143
00:57:21,021 --> 00:57:23,356
How about seeing
my wife and two little boys?
1144
00:57:23,357 --> 00:57:25,358
Here are Jack and James.
Come on, guys.
1145
00:57:25,359 --> 00:57:27,152
[audience cheering]
1146
00:57:27,153 --> 00:57:30,488
And my beautiful wife, Audrey Murdick,
ladies and gentlemen!
1147
00:57:30,489 --> 00:57:32,615
[audience cheering]
1148
00:57:32,616 --> 00:57:36,287
All right, happy holidays, everybody!
And Merry Christmas!
1149
00:57:38,038 --> 00:57:39,540
See you all next time!
1150
00:57:40,916 --> 00:57:42,500
Thanks, everybody! Good night!
1151
00:57:42,501 --> 00:57:45,254
[audience cheering]
1152
00:57:46,630 --> 00:57:50,301
[rock music version of
"O Come All Ye Faithful" playing]
1153
00:58:52,696 --> 00:58:56,033
- [beeping]
- [explosion]