1 00:00:00,563 --> 00:00:05,525 ♪ 2 00:00:16,495 --> 00:00:16,911 [TV static ] 3 00:00:17,078 --> 00:00:19,789 [bright tone] 4 00:00:19,914 --> 00:00:21,876 [cheers and applause] 5 00:00:22,042 --> 00:00:24,545 - How we doing, Chicago? 6 00:00:24,711 --> 00:00:26,714 [cheering] 7 00:00:26,839 --> 00:00:28,548 How we doing, Vic Theatre? 8 00:00:28,673 --> 00:00:31,969 It's so wonderful to be with you tonight. 9 00:00:32,094 --> 00:00:33,929 It's so wonderful to be with you. 10 00:00:34,096 --> 00:00:37,349 Guys, I'm gonna get right into it. 11 00:00:39,435 --> 00:00:42,228 I'm having a crisis of confidence. 12 00:00:42,353 --> 00:00:43,898 I'm having a crisis of confidence 13 00:00:44,063 --> 00:00:46,734 because my six-year-old has recently started 14 00:00:46,859 --> 00:00:48,986 saying something that's funnier than any joke 15 00:00:49,111 --> 00:00:52,072 I've written in the past year. 16 00:00:52,197 --> 00:00:53,823 When my six-year-old has to pee, he comes over 17 00:00:53,948 --> 00:00:55,325 and says, I have to pee. 18 00:00:55,450 --> 00:00:57,078 When my six-year-old has to poop, he comes over, 19 00:00:57,243 --> 00:00:59,746 and he whispers in my ear, 20 00:00:59,871 --> 00:01:02,249 I have a secret that's brown. 21 00:01:07,629 --> 00:01:09,840 It's perfect, no notes. 22 00:01:09,965 --> 00:01:13,260 Because what else could it possibly be? 23 00:01:13,427 --> 00:01:15,261 I have a secret that's brown. 24 00:01:15,429 --> 00:01:16,305 Let me guess, you got to poop? 25 00:01:16,471 --> 00:01:20,391 No, Mom's having an affair with the UPS guy. 26 00:01:23,102 --> 00:01:24,939 And look, it's great anytime you're a parent 27 00:01:25,064 --> 00:01:25,980 and your kid says something funny. 28 00:01:26,147 --> 00:01:28,150 It's so much better if you're a comedian 29 00:01:28,317 --> 00:01:29,819 because the minute he said it, 30 00:01:29,984 --> 00:01:32,028 I couldn't wait to get out on stage 31 00:01:32,153 --> 00:01:34,656 and tell it to you. 32 00:01:34,823 --> 00:01:36,534 Because that's the thing, the most important thing to me 33 00:01:36,659 --> 00:01:37,617 is that my kids are happy, 34 00:01:37,742 --> 00:01:39,620 but I also love when they're material. 35 00:01:39,745 --> 00:01:41,956 To put it in a simpler way, I want them to be content, 36 00:01:42,081 --> 00:01:46,501 but I also want them to be content. 37 00:01:46,668 --> 00:01:49,212 I did a special called "Lobby Baby" 38 00:01:49,337 --> 00:01:50,296 because my second-- [cheers and applause] 39 00:01:50,463 --> 00:01:51,340 Thank you. 40 00:01:51,507 --> 00:01:53,299 [cheering] 41 00:01:53,466 --> 00:01:56,804 My second was born in the lobby of our apartment building. 42 00:01:56,971 --> 00:01:58,180 It was an incredible story. 43 00:01:58,346 --> 00:02:01,683 But even more than that, do you know what sound it makes 44 00:02:01,850 --> 00:02:04,144 when you're a comedian and your child is born in the lobby 45 00:02:04,311 --> 00:02:05,688 of an apartment building? 46 00:02:05,855 --> 00:02:09,732 Cha-fucking-ching. 47 00:02:09,858 --> 00:02:11,317 Like, as far as I'm concerned, 48 00:02:11,442 --> 00:02:14,404 "Lobby Baby" has paid for college. 49 00:02:14,529 --> 00:02:15,864 Secret that's brown, on his way. 50 00:02:16,030 --> 00:02:17,992 That's not enough for a four-year 51 00:02:18,159 --> 00:02:19,535 accredited university, 52 00:02:19,702 --> 00:02:23,079 but it's a couple of semesters at DeVry. 53 00:02:25,541 --> 00:02:28,501 I am gonna talk a fair amount about having kids tonight, 54 00:02:28,626 --> 00:02:31,881 and I appreciate that not everyone here is a parent. 55 00:02:32,047 --> 00:02:35,176 We do have a pretty cool consolation prize for you, 56 00:02:35,301 --> 00:02:37,511 which is this-- at the end of the night, 57 00:02:37,636 --> 00:02:38,928 you all get to go back to a home 58 00:02:39,053 --> 00:02:40,430 where no fucking kids live. 59 00:02:40,555 --> 00:02:41,682 So that-- 60 00:02:41,807 --> 00:02:43,851 [cheering] 61 00:02:43,976 --> 00:02:45,059 That's pretty great. 62 00:02:45,226 --> 00:02:49,064 You can go binge a show, whatever that means. 63 00:02:49,231 --> 00:02:50,857 Bingeing a show? 64 00:02:51,024 --> 00:02:52,734 My wife and I are so tired, 65 00:02:52,902 --> 00:02:54,195 not only do we not binge shows, 66 00:02:54,320 --> 00:02:56,029 I would describe the way we watch television 67 00:02:56,196 --> 00:02:58,031 as microdosing. 68 00:02:58,197 --> 00:03:01,535 We watch 10 minutes of an episode at a time. 69 00:03:01,702 --> 00:03:03,077 My wife falls asleep after the first five minutes, 70 00:03:03,244 --> 00:03:05,581 but I'm not allowed to turn it off 71 00:03:05,748 --> 00:03:08,041 because the sudden drop in volume will wake her up. 72 00:03:08,208 --> 00:03:11,462 So I just have to slowly bring down the volume, 73 00:03:11,587 --> 00:03:13,047 continuing to watch while the characters 74 00:03:13,214 --> 00:03:15,548 just get quieter and quieter, 75 00:03:15,715 --> 00:03:17,718 which I think is what it's like to watch TV 76 00:03:17,885 --> 00:03:18,719 when you're having a stroke. 77 00:03:18,844 --> 00:03:21,554 And then, the next night, I have to go back 78 00:03:21,679 --> 00:03:23,224 and watch those five minutes again. 79 00:03:23,349 --> 00:03:24,475 I start with that. 80 00:03:24,600 --> 00:03:25,142 Basically, what I'm saying is for us to finish 81 00:03:25,267 --> 00:03:26,143 an episode of television, 82 00:03:26,268 --> 00:03:29,146 it takes like three and a half months. 83 00:03:31,357 --> 00:03:32,440 I'm gonna talk about my kids. 84 00:03:32,607 --> 00:03:34,233 So I should tell you their names. 85 00:03:34,359 --> 00:03:36,987 My kids are named Ashe, Axel, and Addie. 86 00:03:37,112 --> 00:03:38,947 And independently, those are all great names. 87 00:03:39,113 --> 00:03:40,740 Together, it is a disaster. 88 00:03:40,908 --> 00:03:43,118 It's such a weird, mean thing to do to grandparents 89 00:03:43,285 --> 00:03:45,578 to bring over three kids and be like, 90 00:03:45,703 --> 00:03:47,081 here are your grandkids, ah, ah, ah. 91 00:03:47,206 --> 00:03:49,208 They're just-- 92 00:03:52,085 --> 00:03:54,004 Old people need words that sound massively different 93 00:03:54,129 --> 00:03:56,089 in their pronunciation. 94 00:03:56,214 --> 00:03:58,676 It's why Lipitor doesn't rhyme with arsenic. 95 00:03:58,801 --> 00:04:02,595 You need a safety buffer. 96 00:04:04,639 --> 00:04:06,141 I'm not gonna tell you whose idea it was 97 00:04:06,308 --> 00:04:09,769 to give all three of our kids A names. 98 00:04:09,894 --> 00:04:11,772 I will only tell you that my name is Seth, 99 00:04:11,939 --> 00:04:13,857 and my wife's name is Alexi. 100 00:04:19,280 --> 00:04:20,780 A lot of times, people say, oh, Alexi. 101 00:04:20,948 --> 00:04:23,783 You must get her name mixed up with the kids' names as well 102 00:04:23,951 --> 00:04:25,660 because it's also an A name. And I don't. 103 00:04:25,828 --> 00:04:29,122 I would say the hardest thing about having a wife named Alexi 104 00:04:29,247 --> 00:04:33,126 is how often our Alexa thinks I'm talking to it. 105 00:04:33,294 --> 00:04:34,795 And making matters worse, 106 00:04:34,961 --> 00:04:37,131 I only use my wife's first name when we're fighting 107 00:04:37,256 --> 00:04:38,506 and I'm being passive aggressive, 108 00:04:38,674 --> 00:04:41,050 which means our Alexa often says things like, 109 00:04:41,175 --> 00:04:42,177 I'm sorry, I don't know what you mean by, 110 00:04:42,343 --> 00:04:45,806 we all can't be as perfect as you. 111 00:04:52,146 --> 00:04:53,564 I'm raising kids in New York City. 112 00:04:53,689 --> 00:04:55,482 I love raising kids in New York City. 113 00:04:55,648 --> 00:04:57,984 One thing, of course, though, when you're raising kids 114 00:04:58,109 --> 00:04:59,153 in New York City or any city 115 00:04:59,319 --> 00:05:01,196 is you have to be cognizant of safety all the time. 116 00:05:01,362 --> 00:05:04,742 I walk my boys to school every day, 117 00:05:04,867 --> 00:05:06,160 and from a very young age, 118 00:05:06,285 --> 00:05:07,201 we came up with something when we cross the street, 119 00:05:07,369 --> 00:05:09,330 which is we'd walk up to the curb, 120 00:05:09,496 --> 00:05:10,581 and we would look at the cross light. 121 00:05:10,706 --> 00:05:13,042 And if it was a red hand, all three of us 122 00:05:13,208 --> 00:05:15,835 would say, red hand, and we'd stop. 123 00:05:15,960 --> 00:05:17,211 And if it was a green man, 124 00:05:17,379 --> 00:05:19,172 all three of us would say, green man. 125 00:05:19,297 --> 00:05:20,840 And then we'd cross the street. 126 00:05:20,965 --> 00:05:23,384 And I enjoyed it, and the boys were tickled by it. 127 00:05:23,552 --> 00:05:26,388 And passers by seemed delighted by the whole show. 128 00:05:26,554 --> 00:05:27,847 And so it was just great. 129 00:05:28,015 --> 00:05:29,682 And then the other day, my wife was with us, 130 00:05:29,807 --> 00:05:31,518 and she looked up at the cross light, and she said, 131 00:05:31,684 --> 00:05:34,605 you know, it's actually more white than green. 132 00:05:38,734 --> 00:05:41,528 And I said, yeah. 133 00:05:41,694 --> 00:05:43,280 I don't know how good I'd feel about me and the boys 134 00:05:43,405 --> 00:05:47,283 all announcing white man 135 00:05:47,408 --> 00:05:51,455 before we cross the street. 136 00:05:54,499 --> 00:05:57,795 Making matters worse, my boys walk and talk like this. 137 00:05:57,920 --> 00:05:59,713 White man! 138 00:06:01,256 --> 00:06:05,386 Make way for white man! 139 00:06:10,265 --> 00:06:14,186 Motorists and cyclists take heed! 140 00:06:16,896 --> 00:06:21,651 For there is white man in the thoroughfare! 141 00:06:21,776 --> 00:06:24,321 Safe passage is our birthright. 142 00:06:30,701 --> 00:06:33,080 I would describe being a parent as just constantly 143 00:06:33,246 --> 00:06:35,749 suppressing your true self. 144 00:06:35,915 --> 00:06:37,251 Here's a good example. 145 00:06:37,417 --> 00:06:40,086 When you're a parent, you have to watch your language 146 00:06:40,211 --> 00:06:41,379 all the time. And I do. 147 00:06:41,504 --> 00:06:44,924 I try very hard to watch my language in front of my kids. 148 00:06:45,049 --> 00:06:46,509 However, with that said, 149 00:06:46,634 --> 00:06:49,095 I sometimes feel I don't get enough credit 150 00:06:49,263 --> 00:06:52,098 for the first word I wanted to say. 151 00:06:52,266 --> 00:06:53,307 Like, for example, the other day, 152 00:06:53,475 --> 00:06:54,475 I was in the kitchen. 153 00:06:54,643 --> 00:06:56,018 All the kids were within earshot, 154 00:06:56,145 --> 00:06:58,021 and I put my hand on the stove, and I burned it, 155 00:06:58,146 --> 00:06:59,273 and I went, goddamn it. 156 00:06:59,439 --> 00:07:01,107 And my wife looked at me as if to say, 157 00:07:01,232 --> 00:07:01,732 you need to do a better job. 158 00:07:01,859 --> 00:07:03,694 And I agree with that. 159 00:07:03,819 --> 00:07:05,821 But at the same time, I wanted to gather the entire family 160 00:07:05,987 --> 00:07:08,323 around and say, you guys know the word Daddy wanted to say 161 00:07:08,489 --> 00:07:11,201 was motherfucker, right? 162 00:07:16,999 --> 00:07:18,958 And when you have motherfucker locked and loaded, 163 00:07:19,083 --> 00:07:21,795 you can't downshift all the way to rats. 164 00:07:21,961 --> 00:07:24,465 You just can't do it. 165 00:07:26,924 --> 00:07:30,720 At my age, I'd throw my back out if I did that. 166 00:07:30,845 --> 00:07:32,972 If you ever see Daddy wearing a neck brace, 167 00:07:33,097 --> 00:07:34,182 know he wanted to scream, son of a bitch, 168 00:07:34,348 --> 00:07:37,977 and instead said, sassafras! 169 00:07:41,689 --> 00:07:45,735 You never want to say a bad word in front of your children 170 00:07:45,860 --> 00:07:47,862 because then your spouse will blame you for it 171 00:07:48,030 --> 00:07:50,491 every time they say it for the rest of their life. 172 00:07:50,616 --> 00:07:52,242 The nice thing, though, is you can tell 173 00:07:52,367 --> 00:07:53,326 based on how a kid says a word 174 00:07:53,451 --> 00:07:56,580 where they learned the word. 175 00:07:56,705 --> 00:07:58,706 Like, for example, you can tell when your kids 176 00:07:58,874 --> 00:08:00,583 learned a bad word at school. 177 00:08:00,708 --> 00:08:02,335 Like, the other day, one of our kids came home, 178 00:08:02,503 --> 00:08:04,420 and he just danced through the living room going, 179 00:08:04,545 --> 00:08:05,422 shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, 180 00:08:05,547 --> 00:08:08,008 shit, shit, shit, shit, shit. 181 00:08:08,174 --> 00:08:09,343 And my wife looked at me like it was my fault. 182 00:08:09,508 --> 00:08:13,388 And I'm like, he didn't get that from me. 183 00:08:13,554 --> 00:08:16,516 I've never stubbed my toe and then done, like, 184 00:08:16,682 --> 00:08:19,311 a kick ball chain across the room. 185 00:08:22,355 --> 00:08:23,689 Just as easily, however, 186 00:08:23,857 --> 00:08:26,443 you can tell when they learned it from you. 187 00:08:26,568 --> 00:08:28,528 The other day, my son was building a LEGO set, 188 00:08:28,653 --> 00:08:29,737 and it was at the dining room table, 189 00:08:29,905 --> 00:08:31,364 and the whole thing collapsed. 190 00:08:31,489 --> 00:08:32,366 And when it collapsed, he went like this, 191 00:08:32,531 --> 00:08:35,743 ugh, 192 00:08:35,910 --> 00:08:39,039 fuck this. 193 00:08:39,205 --> 00:08:39,580 I was like, that's me. 194 00:08:39,747 --> 00:08:41,875 That was from me. 195 00:08:43,751 --> 00:08:46,880 That looked exactly like me. 196 00:08:47,046 --> 00:08:50,049 That was like looking into a mirror. 197 00:08:51,676 --> 00:08:54,887 It's not just profanity that is ugly 198 00:08:55,054 --> 00:08:57,056 coming out of the mouths of children. 199 00:08:57,223 --> 00:08:58,474 There are certain words that we're always 200 00:08:58,599 --> 00:08:59,809 telling our kids not to say. 201 00:08:59,934 --> 00:09:04,314 "Disgusting" is a word we're always begging them not to say. 202 00:09:04,439 --> 00:09:05,564 Stupid. 203 00:09:05,732 --> 00:09:07,233 We're always telling them, don't say stupid. 204 00:09:07,400 --> 00:09:08,360 The biggest one is hate. 205 00:09:08,485 --> 00:09:10,569 Kids will say all day long that they hate things, 206 00:09:10,737 --> 00:09:12,072 and we're just like, don't say hate. 207 00:09:12,238 --> 00:09:14,616 Say you don't like, say you don't care for. 208 00:09:14,782 --> 00:09:15,950 And we really try to drill that through their heads. 209 00:09:16,117 --> 00:09:18,495 And then the other day, one of my boys ran into our bedroom, 210 00:09:18,620 --> 00:09:20,329 and he was like, hey, Dad, you know who I hate? 211 00:09:20,454 --> 00:09:23,416 And I said, buddy, we don't say hate. 212 00:09:23,583 --> 00:09:25,001 We say we don't like. 213 00:09:25,126 --> 00:09:25,919 We say we don't care for. 214 00:09:26,086 --> 00:09:27,588 And then I could tell he was upset. 215 00:09:27,713 --> 00:09:28,963 So I said, who were you gonna say? 216 00:09:29,131 --> 00:09:30,506 And he said, I was gonna say the guy 217 00:09:30,631 --> 00:09:35,053 who killed Martin Luther King. 218 00:09:41,602 --> 00:09:43,812 And then I immediately was like oh, no, 219 00:09:43,978 --> 00:09:46,647 please definitely say hate for that. 220 00:09:46,814 --> 00:09:48,317 The last thing I want is my kid walking around town being like, 221 00:09:48,482 --> 00:09:51,652 you know who I never cared for? 222 00:09:53,572 --> 00:09:54,530 James Earl Ray. 223 00:09:54,655 --> 00:09:57,117 The man was not my cup of tea. 224 00:09:57,284 --> 00:10:00,286 Now, if you'll excuse me, I see my light has changed. 225 00:10:00,411 --> 00:10:02,705 White man! 226 00:10:09,420 --> 00:10:11,964 I could never hate my kids. 227 00:10:12,131 --> 00:10:13,799 I could never hate my kids, you guys. 228 00:10:13,967 --> 00:10:16,803 I could never hate my kids. 229 00:10:16,969 --> 00:10:20,473 With that said, I do think it's healthy-- 230 00:10:20,641 --> 00:10:22,601 I do think it's healthy to keep a mental list 231 00:10:22,726 --> 00:10:24,352 of the three things they're currently doing 232 00:10:24,519 --> 00:10:25,478 that I hate the most. 233 00:10:25,646 --> 00:10:29,900 I hate how they roll dice. 234 00:10:32,819 --> 00:10:37,240 They can't keep two dice on the table to save their lives. 235 00:10:37,366 --> 00:10:39,867 And the minute they start their roll, you know. 236 00:10:40,035 --> 00:10:42,578 You're like, you're coming in too hot. 237 00:10:46,708 --> 00:10:47,501 They'll say, how does Monopoly work? 238 00:10:47,626 --> 00:10:48,501 I'm like, here's how it works. 239 00:10:48,669 --> 00:10:52,588 Keep both dice on the table, you win. 240 00:10:52,713 --> 00:10:55,674 Try to remember we're in a breakfast nook, 241 00:10:55,800 --> 00:10:59,346 not the craps table at the Bellagio. 242 00:11:02,348 --> 00:11:05,227 Here's my impression of me playing board games 243 00:11:05,394 --> 00:11:06,770 with my kids. 244 00:11:20,199 --> 00:11:22,410 And then sometimes after I get the die, 245 00:11:22,577 --> 00:11:25,038 I'll just stay there for a minute. 246 00:11:26,915 --> 00:11:30,043 You know, because they don't know that I have it. 247 00:11:30,209 --> 00:11:33,380 And it's just kind of peaceful to be under the couch. 248 00:11:35,924 --> 00:11:39,301 I'll kick my legs a little bit so they 249 00:11:39,428 --> 00:11:41,554 know I'm alive. 250 00:11:43,265 --> 00:11:45,058 I'll just rest there. 251 00:11:46,934 --> 00:11:49,646 Make eye contact with the spider. 252 00:11:51,522 --> 00:11:54,108 Hello, friend. 253 00:11:54,275 --> 00:11:56,527 Do you have children? 254 00:12:01,949 --> 00:12:05,245 I hate the way they roll dice. 255 00:12:05,370 --> 00:12:09,248 I hate when they wake up in the middle of the night. 256 00:12:09,373 --> 00:12:11,918 My kids are at the age now where they're having nightmares 257 00:12:12,043 --> 00:12:13,462 and when they have nightmares, they will come to our room. 258 00:12:13,627 --> 00:12:15,588 And when they come to our room, my wife and I know 259 00:12:15,713 --> 00:12:18,632 that one of us is gonna have to be up for the next hour 260 00:12:18,799 --> 00:12:21,886 trying to coax them back to sleep. 261 00:12:22,011 --> 00:12:22,679 And it's gotten to the point-- 262 00:12:22,804 --> 00:12:25,431 this is so traumatic for me 263 00:12:25,598 --> 00:12:26,599 that it's gotten to the point that when I hear the doorknob 264 00:12:26,766 --> 00:12:29,477 rattle, I actually think to myself, 265 00:12:29,644 --> 00:12:33,647 maybe I'll get lucky and it's just an intruder. 266 00:12:37,486 --> 00:12:38,819 Maybe it's just an intruder 267 00:12:38,987 --> 00:12:41,655 who will politely steal my valuables. 268 00:12:41,823 --> 00:12:44,617 And then I won't have to scratch his back 269 00:12:44,742 --> 00:12:46,453 for the next hour. 270 00:12:49,164 --> 00:12:51,165 Made a terrible decision last summer. 271 00:12:51,333 --> 00:12:52,708 Last summer, my son had a nightmare, 272 00:12:52,833 --> 00:12:54,294 and he couldn't get back to sleep. 273 00:12:54,419 --> 00:12:55,545 And I said, how about I scratch your back, buddy? 274 00:12:55,670 --> 00:12:57,171 Maybe that'll help. 275 00:12:57,338 --> 00:12:59,299 And now--you guys, now I think he likes the back scratches 276 00:12:59,466 --> 00:13:02,051 so much that he's making up the nightmares. 277 00:13:02,176 --> 00:13:02,843 'Cause he's coming into my room, 278 00:13:03,011 --> 00:13:05,012 and he does not have the energy 279 00:13:05,179 --> 00:13:06,680 of a kid who has actually been spooked. 280 00:13:06,847 --> 00:13:10,142 He's like, bad news! 281 00:13:18,485 --> 00:13:21,154 Skeleton man came back! 282 00:13:21,320 --> 00:13:22,030 Good news, 283 00:13:22,197 --> 00:13:25,407 I've already pulled my shirt up. 284 00:13:28,870 --> 00:13:31,080 I do have a good parenting hack 285 00:13:31,205 --> 00:13:32,582 if you have a kid who's always asking 286 00:13:32,707 --> 00:13:34,000 to get their back scratched. 287 00:13:34,125 --> 00:13:36,001 What you do is you take a little piece of masking tape, 288 00:13:36,169 --> 00:13:39,631 and you just slap it over their mouths. 289 00:13:45,636 --> 00:13:47,179 I hate how they roll dice. 290 00:13:49,056 --> 00:13:51,684 I hate when they wake me up in the middle of the night. 291 00:13:51,852 --> 00:13:54,688 I'm gonna take a knee for the third one. 292 00:13:57,899 --> 00:14:01,987 I hate how much they talk about lava. 293 00:14:06,867 --> 00:14:10,370 They talk about lava all the time. 294 00:14:10,495 --> 00:14:11,746 I blame the schools. 295 00:14:11,913 --> 00:14:12,705 I get it, you're trying to teach science to young kids. 296 00:14:12,830 --> 00:14:14,875 You're gonna talk about volcanoes. 297 00:14:15,000 --> 00:14:16,376 You're gonna talk about lavas. 298 00:14:16,501 --> 00:14:17,334 But then they come home, 299 00:14:17,459 --> 00:14:18,461 and they have all these lava questions. 300 00:14:18,587 --> 00:14:20,796 And, you guys, I don't know anything about lava. 301 00:14:20,921 --> 00:14:23,049 The only thing I know about lava 302 00:14:23,216 --> 00:14:23,924 is if they see it up close, 303 00:14:24,092 --> 00:14:28,054 I've done a bad job as a father. 304 00:14:28,179 --> 00:14:29,305 I can't tell you how many times 305 00:14:29,430 --> 00:14:31,808 I've been trying to parallel park the car 306 00:14:31,933 --> 00:14:33,894 into a tiny spot, and as I'm looking back, 307 00:14:34,019 --> 00:14:36,896 I just see two dumb faces looking at me. 308 00:14:37,021 --> 00:14:40,400 And they're like, if you touch lava, do you die? 309 00:14:52,120 --> 00:14:53,413 I could never hate my kids. 310 00:14:53,579 --> 00:14:55,582 I could never hurt my kids. 311 00:14:55,748 --> 00:14:56,665 I could never hurt my kids. 312 00:14:56,790 --> 00:15:00,045 You guys, I could never hurt my kids. 313 00:15:00,962 --> 00:15:03,423 I will admit, every now and then, 314 00:15:03,548 --> 00:15:07,593 I do pull off one of their sweaters as fast as I can. 315 00:15:12,097 --> 00:15:14,099 If it's the end of a long day and they won't even 316 00:15:14,266 --> 00:15:16,852 do me the courtesy of helping me get them undressed, 317 00:15:16,977 --> 00:15:18,771 I will take every top layer they're wearing 318 00:15:18,896 --> 00:15:22,692 and yank it upwards because-- 319 00:15:22,817 --> 00:15:23,776 and it brings me great shame to say it-- 320 00:15:23,944 --> 00:15:26,612 this moment gives me joy. 321 00:15:26,737 --> 00:15:28,615 When it catches. 322 00:15:29,948 --> 00:15:32,035 When it catches like this. 323 00:15:33,995 --> 00:15:36,830 When I "Clockwork Orange" my children 324 00:15:36,997 --> 00:15:39,626 into seeing what they've done to me. 325 00:15:41,502 --> 00:15:43,796 It's not permanent. 326 00:15:43,921 --> 00:15:46,841 It always goes right back down, you know? 327 00:15:47,007 --> 00:15:49,803 I will say, your perspective on almost everything changes 328 00:15:49,928 --> 00:15:51,136 once you have kids. 329 00:15:51,304 --> 00:15:53,180 And again, mine are eight, six, and two. 330 00:15:53,347 --> 00:15:56,351 And I will say, something that has become very haunting 331 00:15:56,517 --> 00:15:58,687 to receive in the mail for us is a wedding invitation 332 00:15:58,852 --> 00:16:01,397 because one of two things can happen 333 00:16:01,522 --> 00:16:03,315 when we receive a wedding invitation. 334 00:16:03,482 --> 00:16:06,151 The first thing is that the wedding invitation says, 335 00:16:06,276 --> 00:16:08,405 "We're encouraging people not to bring their children," 336 00:16:08,530 --> 00:16:10,573 and that means we have to find child care 337 00:16:10,698 --> 00:16:12,825 for an evening or sometimes a whole weekend. 338 00:16:12,950 --> 00:16:13,992 And that's bad. 339 00:16:14,118 --> 00:16:15,828 But what is worse is when they say, 340 00:16:15,953 --> 00:16:19,915 "We're inviting your whole family 341 00:16:20,040 --> 00:16:21,166 to witness our special day." 342 00:16:21,333 --> 00:16:25,005 And that is only something that a dumb, unmarried couple 343 00:16:25,170 --> 00:16:27,256 would think is a good idea. 344 00:16:27,381 --> 00:16:29,384 A dumb, unmarried, childless couple 345 00:16:29,550 --> 00:16:31,511 would think it's a good idea to have kids witness 346 00:16:31,636 --> 00:16:33,054 your special day 'cause they don't know yet 347 00:16:33,221 --> 00:16:35,890 that kids will ruin any day, special or otherwise. 348 00:16:36,056 --> 00:16:37,851 And when I have three young kids at a wedding, 349 00:16:38,016 --> 00:16:40,520 I'm just dreading the moment 350 00:16:40,687 --> 00:16:41,896 that I'm gonna have to go out on the dance floor, 351 00:16:42,063 --> 00:16:44,357 interrupt the father-daughter dance, 352 00:16:44,482 --> 00:16:45,858 and be like, hi, I'm so sorry to interrupt. 353 00:16:46,025 --> 00:16:47,025 Congratulations, sir. 354 00:16:47,193 --> 00:16:48,069 She makes a beautiful bride. 355 00:16:48,236 --> 00:16:49,029 Hey, our kids ate your cake. 356 00:16:49,194 --> 00:16:50,030 They ate the whole cake. 357 00:16:50,195 --> 00:16:50,863 I don't know what to say. 358 00:16:50,988 --> 00:16:52,906 The cake is gone, and I can tell 359 00:16:53,073 --> 00:16:54,117 it's a really expensive cake. 360 00:16:54,242 --> 00:16:55,200 But it's kind of your fault 361 00:16:55,367 --> 00:16:56,535 because we never should have been here. 362 00:16:56,660 --> 00:16:58,078 And anyway, if you're thinking I'm not gonna be punished, 363 00:16:58,246 --> 00:17:00,040 I'm gonna be punished 'cause my kids ate a whole giant cake. 364 00:17:00,205 --> 00:17:01,540 So that means they're gonna be up all night, 365 00:17:01,665 --> 00:17:02,625 and they're gonna be shitting all morning. 366 00:17:02,751 --> 00:17:03,876 The kids ate the cake. 367 00:17:04,042 --> 00:17:06,421 Thank you, by the way, for making them wear tiny tuxedos. 368 00:17:06,588 --> 00:17:07,880 You don't know this yet about kids, 369 00:17:08,005 --> 00:17:09,257 but their favorite thing in the world to do 370 00:17:09,424 --> 00:17:11,592 is go to a formal wear place while a guy tells them to stand 371 00:17:11,760 --> 00:17:12,217 still with pins in his mouth. 372 00:17:12,342 --> 00:17:14,220 Thank you for that. 373 00:17:14,386 --> 00:17:15,888 Thank you for the tiny tuxedos. 374 00:17:16,056 --> 00:17:16,889 We should have bought one 'cause I can't imagine 375 00:17:17,014 --> 00:17:18,892 it would have been less expensive 376 00:17:19,017 --> 00:17:21,895 than how fucking expensive it was to rent. 377 00:17:22,020 --> 00:17:23,271 Anyways, my wife's in the car. 378 00:17:23,437 --> 00:17:24,438 She wanted me to say goodbye. 379 00:17:24,606 --> 00:17:25,898 She's passive aggressively looking at her phone, 380 00:17:26,066 --> 00:17:27,399 'cause I guess right before she went to the bathroom, 381 00:17:27,524 --> 00:17:28,318 she said, don't let the kids eat the cake. 382 00:17:28,443 --> 00:17:29,778 And that's exactly what had happened. 383 00:17:29,944 --> 00:17:32,238 So now she might never talk to me again. 384 00:17:32,405 --> 00:17:34,074 But I want you to know I hope you stay married forever. 385 00:17:34,199 --> 00:17:35,116 And if you don't stay married forever and get divorced, 386 00:17:35,282 --> 00:17:36,909 I'm gonna come and take a dump on your lawn. 387 00:17:37,077 --> 00:17:40,078 Thank you. Good night. Beautiful bride. 388 00:17:47,544 --> 00:17:50,255 Can we admit now that having to show a vaccine card 389 00:17:50,380 --> 00:17:52,966 to get into a restaurant during COVID was not, in fact, 390 00:17:53,134 --> 00:17:56,846 like living in Germany during World War II? 391 00:17:56,971 --> 00:17:58,013 Can we admit that now? 392 00:17:58,138 --> 00:18:01,267 Because, you guys, 393 00:18:01,392 --> 00:18:04,020 every single time I had to show my vaccine card 394 00:18:04,145 --> 00:18:05,938 to get into a restaurant, 395 00:18:06,106 --> 00:18:08,107 the host or the hostess was so apologetic. 396 00:18:08,232 --> 00:18:09,317 They're like, we're so sorry. 397 00:18:09,483 --> 00:18:11,444 Can we just take a quick look at your vaccine card? 398 00:18:11,569 --> 00:18:13,279 Or if you have a picture of your vaccine card 399 00:18:13,404 --> 00:18:14,446 on your phone, or if you want 400 00:18:14,571 --> 00:18:15,155 to take a picture of my vaccine card 401 00:18:15,322 --> 00:18:17,200 and just show it back to me. 402 00:18:17,325 --> 00:18:18,367 Or if you can just prove to me 403 00:18:18,492 --> 00:18:19,661 that your phone can take pictures, 404 00:18:19,828 --> 00:18:21,995 that's more than enough for us to get you to your table. 405 00:18:22,163 --> 00:18:24,832 And I've seen a lot of movies about Germany 406 00:18:24,999 --> 00:18:26,000 during World War II, 407 00:18:26,166 --> 00:18:27,793 and I don't remember a single scene 408 00:18:27,918 --> 00:18:30,629 where the Gestapo behaved that way. 409 00:18:30,797 --> 00:18:32,632 I don't remember a single scene where the Gestapo kicked in 410 00:18:32,757 --> 00:18:33,715 the door and was like... 411 00:18:33,841 --> 00:18:36,469 [German accent] We demand to see your papers. 412 00:18:36,636 --> 00:18:38,428 And we are so sorry. 413 00:18:39,137 --> 00:18:42,308 That we are still doing this whole "see your papers" things. 414 00:18:42,433 --> 00:18:45,811 This is so irritating to us, too. 415 00:18:49,022 --> 00:18:52,734 This is, like, for real, our least favorite part... 416 00:18:55,780 --> 00:18:58,992 About being in ze Gestapo. 417 00:18:59,157 --> 00:19:02,744 It's just our boss is such... 418 00:19:02,870 --> 00:19:04,998 a Nazi. 419 00:19:08,126 --> 00:19:12,422 [normal voice] That is a very offensive German accent. 420 00:19:12,547 --> 00:19:15,008 That is a cartoonishly bad German accent. 421 00:19:15,174 --> 00:19:17,676 And recently, I did a show, 422 00:19:17,801 --> 00:19:19,220 and there was a German audience member. 423 00:19:19,386 --> 00:19:20,221 And afterwards, they came up to me, and they said, 424 00:19:20,387 --> 00:19:23,057 do you often do a German accent on stage? 425 00:19:23,223 --> 00:19:26,059 And I said, yes, I enjoy doing a German accent on stage. 426 00:19:26,226 --> 00:19:27,686 And they said, how would you feel 427 00:19:27,854 --> 00:19:29,856 if you saw a German comedian 428 00:19:29,981 --> 00:19:31,691 doing an American accent on stage? 429 00:19:31,816 --> 00:19:35,778 And I said, I'm never gonna see a German comedian. 430 00:19:41,992 --> 00:19:44,037 Like, what is the series of events that would have 431 00:19:44,162 --> 00:19:47,040 to go wrong in my life 432 00:19:47,165 --> 00:19:48,750 for me to, like, walk into a club 433 00:19:48,916 --> 00:19:52,712 as someone on stage is like, make some noise for Klaus? 434 00:19:52,878 --> 00:19:53,922 And then I'm like, I'll stick around for this. 435 00:19:54,088 --> 00:19:55,964 And then I'm sitting in my seat, and all of a sudden, 436 00:19:56,089 --> 00:19:58,216 he's like, and then Americans are like, 437 00:19:58,342 --> 00:20:01,721 I would like 20 Chicken McNuggets. 438 00:20:01,846 --> 00:20:05,140 And I'm like, we don't sound like that. 439 00:20:08,936 --> 00:20:10,980 Anyway, after that very rude answer, he regrouped, 440 00:20:11,105 --> 00:20:12,147 and he said, well, how about this? 441 00:20:12,272 --> 00:20:14,149 Would you do an African accent on stage? 442 00:20:14,274 --> 00:20:15,233 And I said, dear God, no. 443 00:20:15,401 --> 00:20:16,944 I would never do an African accent on stage. 444 00:20:17,110 --> 00:20:19,446 And he said, where is the line? 445 00:20:19,614 --> 00:20:21,074 And I said, where is the line 446 00:20:21,241 --> 00:20:25,243 for what accents a white comedian can do in 2024? 447 00:20:25,411 --> 00:20:29,331 The borders of Europe. 448 00:20:29,456 --> 00:20:31,084 That's the line, from Finland to Italy, 449 00:20:31,251 --> 00:20:33,293 from Portugal to Ukraine. 450 00:20:33,461 --> 00:20:34,671 I wouldn't fuck with Turkey. 451 00:20:34,796 --> 00:20:36,755 That's the line. 452 00:20:37,298 --> 00:20:40,260 And you can have a healthy comedy career. 453 00:20:40,385 --> 00:20:42,011 Here, I'll show you how it works. 454 00:20:42,136 --> 00:20:42,971 Here's my impression of a Swedish person 455 00:20:43,136 --> 00:20:45,807 ordering from a Chinese waiter. 456 00:20:45,973 --> 00:20:46,848 [Swedish accent] Yes, hello. 457 00:20:46,974 --> 00:20:48,684 Do you have the chicken chow mein tonight? 458 00:20:48,809 --> 00:20:52,396 [normal voice] No, we're out of that. 459 00:21:00,154 --> 00:21:02,781 I chose Swedish on purpose 460 00:21:02,906 --> 00:21:05,659 because I'm almost certain it's impossible 461 00:21:05,827 --> 00:21:07,537 to do an offensive Swedish accent. 462 00:21:07,662 --> 00:21:09,539 And I'm basing that entirely on the fact 463 00:21:09,664 --> 00:21:12,834 that "The Muppet Show" never got canceled. 464 00:21:13,001 --> 00:21:14,167 How was that OK? 465 00:21:14,335 --> 00:21:16,169 How was the Swedish Chef OK? 466 00:21:16,337 --> 00:21:18,548 Schmorgedy, borgedy, borgedy. 467 00:21:18,673 --> 00:21:19,632 That was-- 468 00:21:19,757 --> 00:21:21,967 that was--as a child, that was my introduction 469 00:21:22,092 --> 00:21:23,136 to Swedish people. 470 00:21:23,301 --> 00:21:25,555 That's how I thought they all behaved. 471 00:21:25,680 --> 00:21:29,392 I thought they were imbeciles who were bad with cutlery. 472 00:21:29,517 --> 00:21:30,976 Schmorgedy, borgedy, borgedy. 473 00:21:31,101 --> 00:21:32,979 Can you imagine-- what would it have sounded like 474 00:21:33,104 --> 00:21:34,187 if they'd taken the same approach 475 00:21:34,355 --> 00:21:37,149 with the Pakistani Chef? 476 00:21:37,274 --> 00:21:40,903 I'm not gonna do it. 477 00:21:46,033 --> 00:21:49,328 But at least now I know what the sound of 1,500 buttholes 478 00:21:49,494 --> 00:21:52,040 closing at the same time is. 479 00:21:52,205 --> 00:21:54,666 Fwup. 480 00:21:58,338 --> 00:22:00,380 My kids are really lucky. 481 00:22:00,548 --> 00:22:03,175 They have all four grandparents in their lives, 482 00:22:03,341 --> 00:22:04,844 and they see them all the time in person. 483 00:22:05,011 --> 00:22:08,431 But they also see them all the time on FaceTime. 484 00:22:08,556 --> 00:22:11,349 They're interacting with them every day. 485 00:22:11,517 --> 00:22:14,395 It's so unlike how I talk to my grandparents. 486 00:22:14,561 --> 00:22:17,231 My dad put me on the phone with my grandmother once a year 487 00:22:17,397 --> 00:22:23,070 the way a kidnapper would put a hostage 488 00:22:23,236 --> 00:22:26,031 on the phone with the police. 489 00:22:27,241 --> 00:22:28,242 He would say, say hello to your grandmother. 490 00:22:28,408 --> 00:22:29,367 I'd like, hello. 491 00:22:29,493 --> 00:22:30,578 And then he'd grab the phone back. 492 00:22:30,744 --> 00:22:33,623 He's like, now you know the boy's alive! 493 00:22:36,250 --> 00:22:37,793 Put $5 in a birthday card 494 00:22:37,918 --> 00:22:40,463 and leave it under the highway overpass. 495 00:22:44,509 --> 00:22:46,219 I love having my parents around my kids. 496 00:22:46,386 --> 00:22:47,427 It's one of the most special things 497 00:22:47,595 --> 00:22:49,055 you can experience in life. 498 00:22:49,180 --> 00:22:50,056 I love it so much. 499 00:22:50,222 --> 00:22:51,139 The only thing that's hard 500 00:22:51,264 --> 00:22:52,724 is that your parents are always 501 00:22:52,892 --> 00:22:55,060 gonna have a different parenting style 502 00:22:55,185 --> 00:22:56,311 from when they did it 503 00:22:56,436 --> 00:22:59,773 to the parenting style that you're currently using now. 504 00:22:59,941 --> 00:23:02,109 Again, my dad was a dad of young kids a long time ago, 505 00:23:02,276 --> 00:23:05,154 but he was an old-school screamer. 506 00:23:05,279 --> 00:23:06,280 My dad would yell at me and my brother, 507 00:23:06,446 --> 00:23:08,991 and we were not a three-strike family. 508 00:23:09,117 --> 00:23:10,242 We were a one-strike family. 509 00:23:10,367 --> 00:23:12,578 If you disobeyed, he would just start laying into you. 510 00:23:12,703 --> 00:23:14,122 And we have a much more modern, 511 00:23:14,288 --> 00:23:16,999 non-confrontational parenting style. 512 00:23:17,125 --> 00:23:18,584 We never yell. 513 00:23:18,751 --> 00:23:20,336 We use language like-- when they're misbehaving, 514 00:23:20,461 --> 00:23:22,129 we say, I can see you're upset right now. 515 00:23:22,296 --> 00:23:23,172 And while I don't want to invalidate the very real 516 00:23:23,297 --> 00:23:26,842 feelings you're having, 517 00:23:26,967 --> 00:23:28,636 I do encourage you to work through it 518 00:23:28,802 --> 00:23:32,264 on a timeline that's conducive to your schedule 519 00:23:32,389 --> 00:23:34,267 while remembering the most important thing, 520 00:23:34,392 --> 00:23:38,104 this is just as much your house as it is ours. 521 00:23:42,482 --> 00:23:44,152 And sometimes my dad comes over, 522 00:23:44,318 --> 00:23:45,610 and he reverts to his old ways. 523 00:23:45,778 --> 00:23:47,155 And he tells the kids to stop doing something, 524 00:23:47,320 --> 00:23:48,446 and they don't. 525 00:23:48,614 --> 00:23:49,781 And then he just starts screaming at them. 526 00:23:49,906 --> 00:23:52,326 And when my dad yells at my kids, I immediately intervene. 527 00:23:52,492 --> 00:23:53,536 I always run over. 528 00:23:53,661 --> 00:23:55,829 I'm like, Dad, that is not our way. 529 00:23:55,997 --> 00:23:57,290 That is your way. 530 00:23:57,455 --> 00:23:58,374 And while I would never want to invalidate your way 531 00:23:58,499 --> 00:24:00,960 or make you feel less than-- 532 00:24:03,503 --> 00:24:05,673 But I have to admit something to you guys. 533 00:24:05,839 --> 00:24:07,299 When my dad yells at my kids, 534 00:24:07,465 --> 00:24:09,635 I always tell him to stop. 535 00:24:09,760 --> 00:24:12,637 But also, there is a tiny voice in the back of my head 536 00:24:12,805 --> 00:24:14,139 that always wants to scream, 537 00:24:14,264 --> 00:24:16,725 give 'em hell, old man! 538 00:24:18,351 --> 00:24:21,563 Let 'em know how good they have it! 539 00:24:23,523 --> 00:24:24,858 'Cause, guys, I got to admit something. 540 00:24:25,026 --> 00:24:28,988 I'm not sure our modern parenting style is working. 541 00:24:29,113 --> 00:24:31,574 I'm not seeing the day-to-day results. 542 00:24:31,699 --> 00:24:33,492 Like, the other day, my eight-year-old 543 00:24:33,658 --> 00:24:34,327 just bit my six-year-old, just fully bit him. 544 00:24:34,492 --> 00:24:35,328 They weren't even wrestling. 545 00:24:35,493 --> 00:24:37,829 He just saw him across the room. 546 00:24:37,954 --> 00:24:39,665 And I just watched him, like, think, like, 547 00:24:39,790 --> 00:24:42,001 I'm gonna go bite him right now. 548 00:24:42,167 --> 00:24:47,005 He was like a robot that was like, initiate biting protocol. 549 00:24:47,173 --> 00:24:48,424 And he went over, and he bit him so hard. 550 00:24:48,549 --> 00:24:50,009 And then he said, I didn't bite him. 551 00:24:50,134 --> 00:24:52,720 And I was like, look at the teeth marks. 552 00:24:52,886 --> 00:24:56,389 I could take your brother's arm to an orthodontist right now, 553 00:24:56,557 --> 00:24:59,769 and they could fit you for Invisalign. 554 00:25:01,896 --> 00:25:02,521 And I was so mad. I never do this. 555 00:25:02,646 --> 00:25:04,272 I grabbed my son, and I said, 556 00:25:04,397 --> 00:25:05,398 you're gonna have a timeout in the other room. 557 00:25:05,566 --> 00:25:07,193 And I put him in a room, and I slammed the door. 558 00:25:07,318 --> 00:25:09,278 And my plan was just to make him spend five minutes 559 00:25:09,403 --> 00:25:12,114 thinking about how badly he behaved, 560 00:25:12,240 --> 00:25:16,034 just five minutes reflecting on the consequences of his actions. 561 00:25:16,202 --> 00:25:17,244 But I'm such a modern wuss, I could only make it, 562 00:25:17,411 --> 00:25:19,914 like, two and a half minutes before I started thinking, 563 00:25:20,080 --> 00:25:21,206 oh, my God, he's gonna be in therapy 564 00:25:21,374 --> 00:25:22,540 the rest of his life. 565 00:25:22,707 --> 00:25:24,376 This is a trauma he'll never recover from. 566 00:25:24,542 --> 00:25:26,753 I have to go in and let him know he's my little slugger 567 00:25:26,921 --> 00:25:28,880 and I'm always gonna love him no matter what. 568 00:25:29,048 --> 00:25:29,714 And I opened the door, 569 00:25:29,839 --> 00:25:31,967 expecting to see him in a puddle 570 00:25:32,092 --> 00:25:33,426 in the middle of the room on the floor. 571 00:25:33,594 --> 00:25:35,721 And not only was he not there, 572 00:25:35,846 --> 00:25:38,640 he was leaning against the window, 573 00:25:38,765 --> 00:25:40,934 looking out across the city, 574 00:25:41,101 --> 00:25:43,646 not a care in the world. 575 00:25:49,443 --> 00:25:53,405 He looked like he was in a French new wave film. 576 00:25:53,571 --> 00:25:56,408 All that was missing was a beret and a cigarette. 577 00:25:56,576 --> 00:25:59,787 [French accent] Did I bite him? 578 00:25:59,953 --> 00:26:01,414 Perhaps. 579 00:26:02,623 --> 00:26:05,292 But in life, you're either the biter 580 00:26:05,459 --> 00:26:08,503 or ze bitter. 581 00:26:09,588 --> 00:26:10,338 [normal voice] I'll tell you this. 582 00:26:10,463 --> 00:26:12,299 I have a theory, guys. 583 00:26:12,465 --> 00:26:14,092 My theory is this. 584 00:26:14,217 --> 00:26:16,177 I think my kids 585 00:26:16,303 --> 00:26:18,180 are gonna yell at their kids. 586 00:26:18,306 --> 00:26:20,098 I think it skips a generation. 587 00:26:20,265 --> 00:26:22,934 And I think at night, my boys are in their bunk bed 588 00:26:23,059 --> 00:26:25,771 talking about it and saying, when I grow up, 589 00:26:25,937 --> 00:26:29,274 I'm not gonna do that ineffective bullshit Dad does. 590 00:26:31,319 --> 00:26:34,780 I'm gonna get loud like Grandpa. 591 00:26:34,946 --> 00:26:35,740 And the other was one's like, oh, totally. 592 00:26:35,865 --> 00:26:39,117 I'm not gonna be a beta cuck like Dad. 593 00:26:45,249 --> 00:26:46,291 Invalidate your feelings? 594 00:26:46,416 --> 00:26:48,085 Bitch, grow up. 595 00:26:49,502 --> 00:26:52,964 My wife thinks the world can help us be better parents, 596 00:26:53,089 --> 00:26:54,966 and she's always sending me Instagram videos 597 00:26:55,134 --> 00:26:58,636 of Instagram moms who are trying to share their wisdom. 598 00:26:58,803 --> 00:27:00,847 My take is if they look too well put together, 599 00:27:01,014 --> 00:27:03,975 I just think they have different kinds of kids than ours. 600 00:27:04,143 --> 00:27:06,520 Like, if they have a blowout and a Ring light, 601 00:27:06,686 --> 00:27:08,646 I'm just like, I don't think this is meant for us. 602 00:27:08,772 --> 00:27:12,568 And they often have very cryptic advice. 603 00:27:12,693 --> 00:27:15,404 My wife sent me one where it was a woman just very calmly 604 00:27:15,529 --> 00:27:16,364 saying, positive feedback 605 00:27:16,530 --> 00:27:19,367 is really important for a child. 606 00:27:19,532 --> 00:27:21,702 If you tell your child in the morning 607 00:27:21,868 --> 00:27:23,412 that you like their handwriting, 608 00:27:23,537 --> 00:27:28,584 they're less likely to punch a sibling at night. 609 00:27:28,709 --> 00:27:30,336 Now, I don't know if that's true or not, 610 00:27:30,502 --> 00:27:31,671 because I never remember it until it's too late. 611 00:27:31,796 --> 00:27:34,839 Like, they'll just be wailing on each other in the corner. 612 00:27:34,964 --> 00:27:38,010 And I run over, and I'm like, I like your handwriting! 613 00:27:41,806 --> 00:27:44,724 There is--there is an Instagram mom I really like, 614 00:27:44,892 --> 00:27:46,184 a style of Instagram mom. 615 00:27:46,351 --> 00:27:48,186 It's the one who's, like, barely keeping it together. 616 00:27:48,354 --> 00:27:51,523 And they're shooting their video like "Blair Witch Project" style 617 00:27:51,691 --> 00:27:52,732 on their phone. 618 00:27:52,899 --> 00:27:53,526 And they're, like, hiding in the closet 619 00:27:53,651 --> 00:27:55,694 before their kids can find them. 620 00:27:55,860 --> 00:27:58,696 They're like, hi, I don't have a lot of time. 621 00:27:58,822 --> 00:28:01,282 We figured out a way to get Sharpie off wallpaper. 622 00:28:01,408 --> 00:28:04,203 What you have to do is-- oh, no, they found me! 623 00:28:14,588 --> 00:28:15,923 My wife and I are both incredibly close 624 00:28:16,089 --> 00:28:17,924 with our parents, and I think 625 00:28:18,091 --> 00:28:18,925 it's one of the first things we connected on. 626 00:28:19,092 --> 00:28:21,136 We thought if we started our own family, 627 00:28:21,261 --> 00:28:22,555 maybe we would have kids that wanted to hang out 628 00:28:22,722 --> 00:28:26,224 as much with us as we want to hang out with our parents. 629 00:28:26,349 --> 00:28:29,561 With that said, our families also have some differences. 630 00:28:29,729 --> 00:28:32,732 For example, when I was growing up, 631 00:28:32,897 --> 00:28:36,152 the rule at the dinner table was never speak unless spoken to. 632 00:28:36,277 --> 00:28:37,610 If you do speak, have it be relevant to the conversation 633 00:28:37,778 --> 00:28:41,741 at hand, and certainly never talk 634 00:28:41,866 --> 00:28:44,909 until the person who is currently talking has finished, 635 00:28:45,034 --> 00:28:45,953 whereas I feel like in my wife's family, 636 00:28:46,119 --> 00:28:48,455 the rule was as soon as you think something, 637 00:28:48,622 --> 00:28:52,167 say it out loud. 638 00:28:52,292 --> 00:28:56,588 Ideally, try to start saying it before you finish thinking it. 639 00:28:58,590 --> 00:28:59,759 Try to hear the completed thought 640 00:28:59,884 --> 00:29:03,596 outside your head with your ears 641 00:29:03,761 --> 00:29:06,097 for the very first time. 642 00:29:07,892 --> 00:29:10,435 Another cool thing my wife's family does 643 00:29:10,560 --> 00:29:13,021 is they will call a restaurant to order delivery, 644 00:29:13,146 --> 00:29:15,607 and it's only when they're on the phone with the restaurant 645 00:29:15,732 --> 00:29:18,778 that they ask everybody else what they want. 646 00:29:22,947 --> 00:29:24,657 They will low-key criticize the restaurant on the phone 647 00:29:24,825 --> 00:29:27,036 with the restaurant. 648 00:29:27,161 --> 00:29:28,788 They'll be like, should we get the dumplings? 649 00:29:28,953 --> 00:29:29,954 And from across the room, someone will be like, 650 00:29:30,079 --> 00:29:31,540 no, their dumplings are soggy. 651 00:29:31,665 --> 00:29:34,292 We're not gonna get the dumplings. 652 00:29:35,752 --> 00:29:38,297 My wife's family is Jewish, 653 00:29:38,463 --> 00:29:42,134 which I haven't said yet, but I have told you. 654 00:29:48,348 --> 00:29:51,851 If there's one thing Jewish people agree on, 655 00:29:52,019 --> 00:29:54,980 I would love to know what that is. 656 00:29:58,442 --> 00:30:01,986 I really want to stress, these jokes are all pro-Semitic. 657 00:30:03,696 --> 00:30:04,740 I love my Jewish wife. 658 00:30:04,865 --> 00:30:07,326 I love my Jewish children. 659 00:30:07,492 --> 00:30:08,868 I have incredible in-laws. 660 00:30:09,036 --> 00:30:12,330 The best thing about my in-laws is they're very easy to find. 661 00:30:12,498 --> 00:30:13,581 If you're ever looking for them, 662 00:30:13,706 --> 00:30:17,336 they're in the middle of my fucking business. 663 00:30:29,557 --> 00:30:30,974 Knock. 664 00:30:36,021 --> 00:30:39,023 We have a tricky conversation coming up with our children 665 00:30:39,191 --> 00:30:42,444 because my wife's grandparents were Holocaust survivors. 666 00:30:42,569 --> 00:30:44,613 And obviously, that's something we're going to have to explain 667 00:30:44,738 --> 00:30:46,699 to them one day. 668 00:30:46,824 --> 00:30:49,033 The problem with kids is sometimes 669 00:30:49,158 --> 00:30:52,370 they will ask you a question before you're prepared 670 00:30:52,538 --> 00:30:55,540 on how to answer it, and they sort of force your hand. 671 00:30:55,707 --> 00:30:59,211 And the other day, my wife said to one of our sons, 672 00:30:59,377 --> 00:31:01,088 you're so lucky you know all four of your grandparents. 673 00:31:01,254 --> 00:31:03,590 Your grandmother didn't know any of her grandparents. 674 00:31:03,757 --> 00:31:04,884 And he said, what happened to them? 675 00:31:05,009 --> 00:31:07,552 And she said, they all died in a war. 676 00:31:07,720 --> 00:31:09,471 And he said, were they soldiers? 677 00:31:09,597 --> 00:31:12,724 And she said, not everyone who dies in a war is a soldier. 678 00:31:12,892 --> 00:31:15,310 And then he paused for a second and said, 679 00:31:15,435 --> 00:31:16,604 oh. 680 00:31:16,770 --> 00:31:20,398 Were they drummers? 681 00:31:29,950 --> 00:31:33,995 Because he'd seen a Revolutionary War picture book, 682 00:31:34,120 --> 00:31:37,499 and quite smartly, may I say, deduced that while the soldiers 683 00:31:37,625 --> 00:31:39,084 are obviously in grave danger, 684 00:31:39,209 --> 00:31:43,004 these drummers up front are dead men. 685 00:31:43,129 --> 00:31:45,590 What a bad time to be good at drumming, 686 00:31:45,715 --> 00:31:47,425 the Revolutionary War. 687 00:31:47,592 --> 00:31:48,761 Maybe the worst time ever to be good at drumming. 688 00:31:48,926 --> 00:31:49,802 And I bet when you heard word 689 00:31:49,970 --> 00:31:50,803 that they were looking for drummers, 690 00:31:50,971 --> 00:31:52,972 you got so excited. 691 00:31:53,139 --> 00:31:53,973 You're like, oh, my God, that's great. 692 00:31:54,140 --> 00:31:55,267 We don't have to fight. 693 00:31:55,434 --> 00:31:57,101 We'll stay back and rehearse for a concert. 694 00:31:57,226 --> 00:31:58,854 And then whenever the survivors get here, 695 00:31:58,979 --> 00:31:59,771 we'll do a gig for them. 696 00:31:59,937 --> 00:32:00,813 And so they raise their hand. 697 00:32:00,981 --> 00:32:02,942 They were like, I know how to drum. 698 00:32:03,107 --> 00:32:04,944 And they're like, great, go strap it on and stand up front. 699 00:32:05,069 --> 00:32:07,195 And they were like, up front? 700 00:32:07,320 --> 00:32:07,988 And they're like yeah, it's gonna be you, 701 00:32:08,155 --> 00:32:10,449 another drummer, and a flute guy. 702 00:32:10,574 --> 00:32:11,951 And the flute guy was like, actually, it's a fife. 703 00:32:12,117 --> 00:32:15,703 And they're like, not now, flute guy. 704 00:32:15,828 --> 00:32:18,956 My wife argues that I should convert to Judaism. 705 00:32:19,082 --> 00:32:20,792 Her argument is everybody already assumes 706 00:32:20,960 --> 00:32:22,962 that I'm Jewish-- 707 00:32:23,087 --> 00:32:24,879 not a bad argument. I'm a quarter Jewish. 708 00:32:25,004 --> 00:32:26,964 Every Jewish person I've ever met has said, 709 00:32:27,132 --> 00:32:28,466 you're Jewish, right? 710 00:32:28,591 --> 00:32:29,801 I'm also a quarter Swedish. 711 00:32:29,969 --> 00:32:31,052 Not one Swedish person has ever said, 712 00:32:31,177 --> 00:32:34,472 schmorgedy, borgedy, borgedy, borg? 713 00:32:36,849 --> 00:32:37,809 That's how they talk, guys. 714 00:32:37,934 --> 00:32:41,355 I'm not gonna apologize for how they talk. 715 00:32:41,521 --> 00:32:43,691 Why would "The Muppet Show" lie to me? 716 00:32:43,857 --> 00:32:45,317 That's how Swedish people talk. 717 00:32:45,483 --> 00:32:47,653 And this is how lab assistants talk-- 718 00:32:47,778 --> 00:32:50,614 me, me, me, me, me, me, me. 719 00:32:58,664 --> 00:33:01,332 I recently found out some things about my lineage 720 00:33:01,500 --> 00:33:03,711 because I did this incredible show on PBS 721 00:33:03,876 --> 00:33:05,337 called "Finding Your Roots" 722 00:33:05,462 --> 00:33:06,213 with Professor Henry Louis Gates. 723 00:33:06,379 --> 00:33:08,674 It's a wonderful show, great show. 724 00:33:08,840 --> 00:33:10,341 He's a brilliant man. 725 00:33:10,509 --> 00:33:12,677 And I found out some things about my family 726 00:33:12,845 --> 00:33:13,846 that I hadn't known before. 727 00:33:14,011 --> 00:33:15,888 I found out I had descended from Lithuanian Jews, 728 00:33:16,056 --> 00:33:18,349 Lithuanian Jews, famous for coining the expression, 729 00:33:18,517 --> 00:33:21,270 we got to get the fuck out of Lithuania. 730 00:33:23,981 --> 00:33:28,359 But I was a bad subject for the show "Finding your Roots" 731 00:33:28,484 --> 00:33:32,196 because I am not easily shocked or amazed. 732 00:33:32,321 --> 00:33:33,490 And the best thing about that show 733 00:33:33,615 --> 00:33:37,077 is when they reveal information to you about your lineage, 734 00:33:37,243 --> 00:33:38,745 and you are shocked and amazed. 735 00:33:38,912 --> 00:33:39,954 And because I'm not easily shocked and amazed, 736 00:33:40,079 --> 00:33:42,040 it was just a bad episode. 737 00:33:42,206 --> 00:33:43,040 Like, for example, at one point, 738 00:33:43,166 --> 00:33:45,543 Henry Louis Gates looked at me and said, 739 00:33:45,711 --> 00:33:51,549 we tracked down one of your ancestors to the year 1650. 740 00:33:51,674 --> 00:33:56,055 We found their name written in a town ledger 741 00:33:56,221 --> 00:33:58,890 from the year 1650. 742 00:33:59,015 --> 00:34:02,478 How does that make you feel, 743 00:34:02,603 --> 00:34:06,940 knowing we tracked back a relative of yours 744 00:34:07,107 --> 00:34:10,109 to the year 1650? 745 00:34:10,276 --> 00:34:11,111 And all I could manage was, 746 00:34:11,278 --> 00:34:15,156 well, I mean, I knew I came from people. 747 00:34:20,953 --> 00:34:22,914 It's not like he was like, your great-great-grandmother 748 00:34:23,039 --> 00:34:25,584 was a mermaid. 749 00:34:28,461 --> 00:34:30,798 He did shock me once, but it was by accident. 750 00:34:30,964 --> 00:34:34,258 You sit across from him, and there's a table between you, 751 00:34:34,383 --> 00:34:36,178 and on the table is a big book full of information, 752 00:34:36,303 --> 00:34:38,180 and he tees up the story. 753 00:34:38,305 --> 00:34:40,473 And when he tees up the story, 754 00:34:40,640 --> 00:34:43,435 he asks you to turn the page to reveal the information. 755 00:34:43,560 --> 00:34:44,937 And at one point, he said to me, you're a performer. 756 00:34:45,104 --> 00:34:47,022 And I said, I'm a performer. 757 00:34:47,147 --> 00:34:48,439 He said, do you anyone else in your family tree 758 00:34:48,564 --> 00:34:49,774 who's a performer? 759 00:34:49,899 --> 00:34:51,984 And I go, I don't know a single other person in my family tree 760 00:34:52,151 --> 00:34:53,528 who is a performer. 761 00:34:53,653 --> 00:34:55,113 And he said, why don't you turn the page? 762 00:34:55,280 --> 00:34:55,823 Because I think the next thing you're gonna see 763 00:34:55,988 --> 00:34:58,117 is pretty cool. 764 00:34:58,283 --> 00:35:01,702 So I turn the page, and it was a newspaper obituary 765 00:35:01,828 --> 00:35:02,870 about my great-grandfather 766 00:35:02,995 --> 00:35:04,622 who had died from suicide. 767 00:35:04,789 --> 00:35:07,167 And Henry Louis Gates goes, what does it say? 768 00:35:07,334 --> 00:35:08,459 And I said, oh, exactly that. 769 00:35:08,584 --> 00:35:11,504 I go, my great-grandfather, it seems he died by suicide. 770 00:35:11,671 --> 00:35:13,131 And Henry Louis Gates, to his credit, 771 00:35:13,298 --> 00:35:14,133 just looked at me and said, that's a mistake. 772 00:35:14,258 --> 00:35:18,135 I apologize. We're gonna edit this out. 773 00:35:36,028 --> 00:35:38,781 And then he said, why don't you turn another page? 774 00:35:40,658 --> 00:35:41,910 So I turned another page, and I'm like, oh, 775 00:35:42,035 --> 00:35:45,497 my grandfather was in a school play. 776 00:35:48,124 --> 00:35:49,001 And he said, pretty cool, right? 777 00:35:49,167 --> 00:35:52,838 And I was like, Henry! 778 00:35:53,004 --> 00:35:54,506 You can't bounce back 779 00:35:54,673 --> 00:35:58,010 from accidentally showing someone a suicide obituary. 780 00:35:58,176 --> 00:36:00,053 That would be like if a magician was like, 781 00:36:00,220 --> 00:36:01,513 is this your card? 782 00:36:01,680 --> 00:36:03,055 And you're like, no, I think that's a picture of your dick. 783 00:36:03,223 --> 00:36:05,809 Oh, fuck. Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit. 784 00:36:10,731 --> 00:36:12,566 Is this your card? 785 00:36:12,732 --> 00:36:15,526 Nine of spades. Is this your card? 786 00:36:19,406 --> 00:36:20,865 You're still thinking about the dick pic? 787 00:36:21,033 --> 00:36:23,535 Yeah! 788 00:36:23,702 --> 00:36:26,370 Yeah, dude. 789 00:36:29,415 --> 00:36:32,127 This is the time of the night where a lot of comedians 790 00:36:32,252 --> 00:36:34,546 will start doing their anti-trans material. 791 00:36:34,713 --> 00:36:37,966 I'm happy to inform you I have no anti-trans material. 792 00:36:39,676 --> 00:36:42,261 I have nothing but love and respect 793 00:36:42,428 --> 00:36:44,388 for the trans community. 794 00:36:44,555 --> 00:36:47,059 And also, I'm always so frustrated when people frame it 795 00:36:47,225 --> 00:36:50,062 as how it's inconvenient to them when someone transitions, 796 00:36:50,229 --> 00:36:51,104 when they talk about how they have to learn a new name 797 00:36:51,271 --> 00:36:53,397 or a new pronoun, 798 00:36:53,522 --> 00:36:55,066 or they have to change a contact 799 00:36:55,191 --> 00:36:57,568 in their email address folder. 800 00:36:57,736 --> 00:36:59,321 And really, if we're being honest-- 801 00:36:59,446 --> 00:37:00,948 let's be honest for a second. 802 00:37:01,113 --> 00:37:03,325 What would actually be harder for you, 803 00:37:03,450 --> 00:37:06,245 if someone in your life decided they were transitioning 804 00:37:06,370 --> 00:37:09,164 to a new gender, or if someone in your life 805 00:37:09,289 --> 00:37:11,124 decided that as of tomorrow, 806 00:37:11,290 --> 00:37:14,002 they were going to be a vegan? 807 00:37:18,464 --> 00:37:21,968 Like, what makes your life harder tomorrow? 808 00:37:22,135 --> 00:37:23,345 Because, you guys, five years ago, 809 00:37:23,470 --> 00:37:25,180 my brother decided to be a vegan, 810 00:37:25,305 --> 00:37:27,432 and I've spent multiple Thanksgivings with him, 811 00:37:27,557 --> 00:37:30,477 and I 100% would prefer my next Thanksgiving start 812 00:37:30,644 --> 00:37:35,606 with my dad walking in and saying, I'm a lady now-- 813 00:37:35,774 --> 00:37:37,818 Than I would spending another Thanksgiving 814 00:37:37,984 --> 00:37:40,111 where my brother keeps asking me, is there butter in this? 815 00:37:40,236 --> 00:37:43,531 I'm like, there's fucking butter in everything. 816 00:37:45,325 --> 00:37:47,118 That is the true meaning of Thanksgiving 817 00:37:47,285 --> 00:37:50,789 is butter in everything. 818 00:37:50,955 --> 00:37:52,289 That's how the first Thanksgiving started. 819 00:37:52,457 --> 00:37:53,332 The Indigenous people came over. 820 00:37:53,499 --> 00:37:55,127 They were like, this is maize. 821 00:37:55,294 --> 00:37:57,671 And the pilgrims said, what if we put butter on it 822 00:37:57,838 --> 00:37:58,879 and call it corn? 823 00:37:59,006 --> 00:38:00,881 And the Indigenous people were like, oh, my God, 824 00:38:01,008 --> 00:38:01,591 this is so much better. 825 00:38:01,716 --> 00:38:03,801 How can we ever repay you? 826 00:38:03,926 --> 00:38:05,303 And the pilgrims were like, we have an idea, 827 00:38:05,428 --> 00:38:08,098 but we're not gonna tell you yet. 828 00:38:11,350 --> 00:38:13,644 White man. 829 00:38:17,606 --> 00:38:20,693 My brother, who's hardcore-- my brother will not eat honey. 830 00:38:20,861 --> 00:38:23,238 My brother said that vegans who eat honey are called beegans. 831 00:38:23,363 --> 00:38:26,325 I found out he didn't eat honey because one day, 832 00:38:26,490 --> 00:38:27,408 he was over at my apartment, 833 00:38:27,533 --> 00:38:30,037 and I just sort of threw a granola bar at him 834 00:38:30,202 --> 00:38:31,537 because he looked like he was starving. 835 00:38:31,705 --> 00:38:33,332 And... 836 00:38:33,497 --> 00:38:36,334 he picked it up, and he just started reading the label. 837 00:38:36,459 --> 00:38:38,711 If there was a logo for veganism, 838 00:38:38,879 --> 00:38:41,631 it should be someone at your home reading a label. 839 00:38:49,388 --> 00:38:51,807 Found a problem! 840 00:38:55,562 --> 00:38:57,189 By the way, I wish I could be a vegan. 841 00:38:57,356 --> 00:38:59,191 Every argument for being a vegan is a good one. 842 00:38:59,316 --> 00:39:01,193 It's better for the environment. It's more humane. 843 00:39:01,359 --> 00:39:03,694 The best argument, though, is this, you guys. 844 00:39:03,819 --> 00:39:07,531 My brother looks so much healthier than I do. 845 00:39:07,698 --> 00:39:09,785 Like, if you saw a picture of my brother 846 00:39:09,910 --> 00:39:10,702 and I next to each other, 847 00:39:10,868 --> 00:39:12,453 you would stop eating meat yesterday. 848 00:39:12,578 --> 00:39:14,747 Like, he glows like the sun. 849 00:39:14,914 --> 00:39:17,209 And next to him, I look like a guy holding a lantern 850 00:39:17,334 --> 00:39:21,004 at the bow of a ferry. I'm like-- 851 00:39:23,881 --> 00:39:27,218 The fog is thick, but we'll make it through. 852 00:39:31,263 --> 00:39:36,435 I mentioned my in-laws earlier, and I want to give a special-- 853 00:39:36,602 --> 00:39:39,731 pay a little special attention to my wonderful mother-in-law. 854 00:39:39,897 --> 00:39:43,234 I really do have the greatest mother-in-law in the world. 855 00:39:43,359 --> 00:39:45,403 And my favorite thing about her 856 00:39:45,569 --> 00:39:48,240 is there are also times that she agrees with me 857 00:39:48,406 --> 00:39:51,827 that my wife is being a lot. 858 00:39:54,287 --> 00:39:56,957 Sometimes my wife and I will be fighting 859 00:39:57,124 --> 00:39:57,915 in front of my mother-in-law, 860 00:39:58,082 --> 00:39:59,292 and she will just make eye contact with me 861 00:39:59,459 --> 00:40:03,254 from across the room as if to say, sorry. 862 00:40:05,298 --> 00:40:06,841 But it has to be non-verbal. 863 00:40:06,966 --> 00:40:10,845 It is only of value to me if it is a non-verbal acknowledgment 864 00:40:10,970 --> 00:40:12,138 of my wife's behavior. 865 00:40:12,305 --> 00:40:14,098 If she actually speaks up in my defense, 866 00:40:14,265 --> 00:40:15,267 that's a disaster for me. 867 00:40:15,434 --> 00:40:16,517 Because every married person here knows 868 00:40:16,642 --> 00:40:19,187 that it's always just easiest to agree with your spouse 869 00:40:19,312 --> 00:40:21,481 when they're complaining about something. 870 00:40:21,647 --> 00:40:22,274 And I cannot tell you how many times 871 00:40:22,399 --> 00:40:24,359 it's been the end of the night, 872 00:40:24,484 --> 00:40:25,609 and we're getting ready for bed. 873 00:40:25,734 --> 00:40:27,361 And my wife will say, can you believe my mom says 874 00:40:27,486 --> 00:40:29,281 I have to be nicer to you? 875 00:40:29,448 --> 00:40:34,785 And my only response is yeah, what a bitch. 876 00:40:41,459 --> 00:40:43,794 Mind your own business, lady. 877 00:40:45,504 --> 00:40:47,841 I do have a mean wife. 878 00:40:48,008 --> 00:40:49,801 You guys-- 879 00:40:51,510 --> 00:40:53,680 But only to me. 880 00:40:53,847 --> 00:40:56,307 My wife is mean to me, and she is so nice to the kids, 881 00:40:56,475 --> 00:40:59,144 and that is so much better than the other way around. 882 00:40:59,269 --> 00:41:01,396 If my wife was nice to me but mean to the kids, 883 00:41:01,521 --> 00:41:03,647 my life would be a nightmare. 884 00:41:03,814 --> 00:41:05,316 I would come home, and they'd always run over 885 00:41:05,484 --> 00:41:06,484 and be like, hey man, you got to step in 886 00:41:06,651 --> 00:41:08,319 and do something. We're your kids, too. 887 00:41:08,486 --> 00:41:09,696 And I'd be like, shh, don't talk to me. 888 00:41:09,863 --> 00:41:12,240 I don't want her to know we're friends. 889 00:41:16,118 --> 00:41:18,162 I--by the way, this is not an attack on my wife. 890 00:41:18,330 --> 00:41:19,914 This is a defense of her meanness. 891 00:41:20,039 --> 00:41:21,332 My wife works so hard. 892 00:41:21,499 --> 00:41:22,249 She has three children. She is so depleted. 893 00:41:22,374 --> 00:41:24,836 She has a full-time job. 894 00:41:25,002 --> 00:41:26,171 My wife is a lawyer. 895 00:41:26,296 --> 00:41:27,254 My wife passed the New York Bar. 896 00:41:27,379 --> 00:41:29,341 She is a brilliant woman. 897 00:41:29,466 --> 00:41:30,674 The New York Bar, that's the hardest one. 898 00:41:30,799 --> 00:41:33,345 That's the one Giuliani passed. 899 00:41:39,059 --> 00:41:40,017 So I get it. 900 00:41:40,185 --> 00:41:41,019 She is tired all the time, 901 00:41:41,144 --> 00:41:42,687 and she's so patient with her children. 902 00:41:42,854 --> 00:41:43,562 And sometimes she has to take it out on me. 903 00:41:43,729 --> 00:41:45,856 And also, I deserve it, you guys. 904 00:41:46,024 --> 00:41:46,774 I am so irritating. 905 00:41:46,899 --> 00:41:49,528 Here are some of the things I do. 906 00:41:49,653 --> 00:41:53,365 Here are some of the things I do that earn her meanness. 907 00:41:53,531 --> 00:41:54,698 We're on our third kid. 908 00:41:54,823 --> 00:41:57,243 I still don't know how to collapse the stroller. 909 00:41:57,410 --> 00:41:59,412 No idea. 910 00:41:59,578 --> 00:42:00,705 I look at a stroller 911 00:42:00,830 --> 00:42:04,542 the way a dog would if you told him to do origami. 912 00:42:06,169 --> 00:42:07,586 I have no idea how to fold up the stroller. 913 00:42:07,754 --> 00:42:08,713 I'll just, like, wiggle it. 914 00:42:08,879 --> 00:42:09,714 I'll shake it a little bit. 915 00:42:09,881 --> 00:42:11,423 Hey, quick question for the women here. 916 00:42:11,591 --> 00:42:14,885 Have you ever, while watching your husband 917 00:42:15,010 --> 00:42:17,722 try to collapse the stroller, thought to yourself, 918 00:42:17,847 --> 00:42:19,640 I can't believe I ever thought 919 00:42:19,765 --> 00:42:22,644 this man could satisfy me sexually? 920 00:42:24,937 --> 00:42:27,314 Like, while he's like, I think I got it. 921 00:42:29,109 --> 00:42:30,151 I almost got it. 922 00:42:30,276 --> 00:42:31,653 Are you like, there's a button? 923 00:42:31,778 --> 00:42:33,321 It's like, no, I think it's almost there. 924 00:42:33,446 --> 00:42:36,908 Just a few more pumps. 925 00:42:40,953 --> 00:42:42,414 You want to hear something heartbreaking? 926 00:42:42,539 --> 00:42:44,415 The first time my wife heard me tell that joke, 927 00:42:44,582 --> 00:42:47,752 hardest she's ever laughed. 928 00:42:50,796 --> 00:42:53,841 She laughed a hurtful amount. 929 00:42:53,966 --> 00:42:57,011 She screamed from the audience, amen, brother! 930 00:42:58,972 --> 00:43:00,432 Preach! 931 00:43:04,144 --> 00:43:06,771 That's not to say my wife is perfect. 932 00:43:06,937 --> 00:43:09,441 There are a few things I would change about her as well. 933 00:43:09,566 --> 00:43:11,943 If I could change something about my wife, 934 00:43:12,068 --> 00:43:14,111 I would try to improve her skills 935 00:43:14,278 --> 00:43:15,446 as a directional speaker. 936 00:43:15,571 --> 00:43:18,283 My wife says important things to me 937 00:43:18,450 --> 00:43:19,950 all the time with her back to me 938 00:43:20,075 --> 00:43:22,453 while she's walking out of the room 939 00:43:22,620 --> 00:43:25,457 without raising her voice at all. 940 00:43:25,582 --> 00:43:28,667 She'll say things like, the gas company was here today. 941 00:43:28,834 --> 00:43:31,796 They say there's a toxic-- 942 00:43:35,133 --> 00:43:36,968 So we have this fight all the time where she'll be like, 943 00:43:37,135 --> 00:43:40,055 remember, we're having dinner with the Harrises in an hour. 944 00:43:40,180 --> 00:43:41,973 And I'm like, when did you tell me that? 945 00:43:42,140 --> 00:43:46,144 And she's like, Monday, when I whispered it into the mailbox. 946 00:43:50,106 --> 00:43:51,982 Another thing I would change about my wife 947 00:43:52,149 --> 00:43:55,153 is her caffeinated beverage of choice. 948 00:43:55,319 --> 00:43:59,156 My wife's caffeinated beverage of choice is a matcha latte. 949 00:43:59,323 --> 00:44:02,327 If you don't know what that is, I'll tell you what it's not-- 950 00:44:02,452 --> 00:44:05,997 available at the coffee place you are going to. 951 00:44:08,624 --> 00:44:10,084 It's such a rude thing to ask for 952 00:44:10,209 --> 00:44:11,336 when someone's like, we're getting coffee, 953 00:44:11,461 --> 00:44:12,169 what do you want? 954 00:44:12,294 --> 00:44:13,296 It would be like if you're like, 955 00:44:13,421 --> 00:44:14,546 hey, we're ordering pizza. Can we get you anything? 956 00:44:14,714 --> 00:44:16,924 A quiche Lorraine. 957 00:44:23,473 --> 00:44:24,015 They're not gonna have that. 958 00:44:24,140 --> 00:44:24,598 It doesn't hurt to ask. 959 00:44:24,723 --> 00:44:26,517 It does hurt to ask. 960 00:44:26,642 --> 00:44:28,477 I don't want to look like a lunatic. 961 00:44:31,189 --> 00:44:33,899 I think my wife likes matcha lattes 962 00:44:34,066 --> 00:44:36,026 because they are hard to get. 963 00:44:36,193 --> 00:44:38,405 And the reason I say that is my wife's love language 964 00:44:38,571 --> 00:44:40,906 is acts of service. 965 00:44:41,073 --> 00:44:42,283 Do you guys know 966 00:44:42,408 --> 00:44:44,618 the concept of love languages? 967 00:44:46,662 --> 00:44:49,289 Here's the concept of love languages 968 00:44:49,415 --> 00:44:50,290 for those of you who don't know. 969 00:44:50,417 --> 00:44:51,042 There are five love languages. 970 00:44:51,209 --> 00:44:52,419 This is how people receive love. 971 00:44:52,584 --> 00:44:55,088 There's acts of service, 972 00:44:55,254 --> 00:44:57,548 touch, quality time, 973 00:44:57,673 --> 00:45:00,051 gifts, and words of encouragement. 974 00:45:00,176 --> 00:45:01,635 And, guys, I don't know who came up with this list. 975 00:45:01,760 --> 00:45:04,638 All I know is that their love language 976 00:45:04,763 --> 00:45:07,809 is definitely acts of service, 977 00:45:07,934 --> 00:45:09,435 because this is the biggest scam ever 978 00:45:09,602 --> 00:45:13,314 that acts of service 979 00:45:13,439 --> 00:45:14,774 is lumped on this list 980 00:45:14,941 --> 00:45:17,568 with the other four reasonable things. 981 00:45:19,738 --> 00:45:22,073 Here's life if your love language is touch 982 00:45:22,198 --> 00:45:23,950 and your wife is acts of service. 983 00:45:24,117 --> 00:45:25,910 When I get home, I would like a hug. 984 00:45:26,077 --> 00:45:29,037 I need you to fix the boiler. 985 00:45:32,292 --> 00:45:33,501 Quality time. Want to go for a walk? 986 00:45:33,626 --> 00:45:37,964 Yeah, after you clean out the gutters. 987 00:45:38,131 --> 00:45:41,760 It's like if an airline's loyalty program was like, 988 00:45:41,926 --> 00:45:44,470 we have gold, platinum, silver. 989 00:45:44,636 --> 00:45:47,515 And when we land, you clean the plane. 990 00:45:51,894 --> 00:45:53,271 This is all-- what I've been doing 991 00:45:53,396 --> 00:45:56,356 is all a very good example of how it is hard 992 00:45:56,482 --> 00:45:57,399 to be married to a comedian. 993 00:45:57,524 --> 00:45:59,486 I just get to come up here and tell you guys 994 00:45:59,651 --> 00:46:01,613 what I'm thinking about my marriage. 995 00:46:01,738 --> 00:46:04,490 And so, yes, it is hard to be married to a comedian. 996 00:46:04,656 --> 00:46:07,285 But, guys, it's also very hard to be 997 00:46:07,452 --> 00:46:11,289 a comedian who is married. 998 00:46:11,455 --> 00:46:12,999 And what I mean by that is when you're married, 999 00:46:13,165 --> 00:46:14,959 the right thing to do when you're having an argument 1000 00:46:15,084 --> 00:46:17,211 is always say the thing that will most quickly 1001 00:46:17,336 --> 00:46:18,629 deescalate the situation. 1002 00:46:18,796 --> 00:46:19,714 But when you're a comedian, 1003 00:46:19,839 --> 00:46:22,966 those aren't the things that pop into your head. 1004 00:46:23,091 --> 00:46:25,220 When you're a comedian in the middle of an argument, 1005 00:46:25,345 --> 00:46:26,513 all you ever think is this is a funny thing 1006 00:46:26,678 --> 00:46:29,807 I could say that will make it worse. 1007 00:46:32,685 --> 00:46:35,312 Here's an example, a recent example. 1008 00:46:35,479 --> 00:46:37,564 My boys love superheroes, and they're always asking me 1009 00:46:37,689 --> 00:46:38,691 questions about superheroes. 1010 00:46:38,857 --> 00:46:39,691 They'll say, who would win a fight 1011 00:46:39,859 --> 00:46:40,693 between Batman and Spider-Man? 1012 00:46:40,859 --> 00:46:43,321 Who's stronger, the Hulk or Thor? 1013 00:46:43,488 --> 00:46:44,280 And the other day, they said, 1014 00:46:44,405 --> 00:46:47,658 who's faster, Superman or the Flash? 1015 00:46:47,783 --> 00:46:49,660 And that's an age-old comic book question. 1016 00:46:49,827 --> 00:46:51,495 I was so proud of them for even coming up with it. 1017 00:46:51,620 --> 00:46:53,497 And I said, you know what, let me check on YouTube. 1018 00:46:53,622 --> 00:46:55,374 And sure enough, there was a three-minute clip 1019 00:46:55,542 --> 00:46:57,836 from a "Justice League" cartoon of Superman racing the Flash. 1020 00:46:57,961 --> 00:46:59,546 And I said, you know what, let's watch it. 1021 00:46:59,711 --> 00:47:00,839 Now, the important part of this story 1022 00:47:01,004 --> 00:47:03,006 is our kids do not have a lot of screen time. 1023 00:47:03,173 --> 00:47:03,966 I don't say that to be like, 1024 00:47:04,091 --> 00:47:05,926 we're better parents than anyone here. 1025 00:47:06,051 --> 00:47:08,178 I just mean that our kids will turn out better than yours. 1026 00:47:08,345 --> 00:47:09,805 So-- 1027 00:47:10,890 --> 00:47:12,267 I got one boy on each knee. 1028 00:47:12,392 --> 00:47:13,892 And I got my phone out, and we're watching 1029 00:47:14,060 --> 00:47:15,519 Superman race the Flash. 1030 00:47:15,687 --> 00:47:17,689 And my wife walks in, and she says, what are you doing? 1031 00:47:17,856 --> 00:47:20,357 And I say, we're watching Superman race the Flash. 1032 00:47:20,524 --> 00:47:21,609 And she says, a cartoon? 1033 00:47:21,734 --> 00:47:22,693 And I couldn't help myself. 1034 00:47:22,818 --> 00:47:26,196 And I said, no, the real guys. 1035 00:47:30,660 --> 00:47:31,202 Isn't that crazy? 1036 00:47:31,327 --> 00:47:33,203 They got the real guys. 1037 00:47:33,370 --> 00:47:34,914 And they weren't even trying to get the real-- 1038 00:47:35,080 --> 00:47:38,209 it was, like, a nature crew documentary in the desert. 1039 00:47:38,376 --> 00:47:40,044 And then they saw this, like, blue and red voom, voom. 1040 00:47:40,169 --> 00:47:41,379 And they were like, did we just-- 1041 00:47:41,546 --> 00:47:42,671 I mean, she'd left the room. 1042 00:47:42,796 --> 00:47:45,716 She'd walked out being like, I can't believe my mom says 1043 00:47:45,883 --> 00:47:48,010 I got to be nice to this-- 1044 00:47:53,265 --> 00:47:55,560 Here's another recent example. 1045 00:47:55,727 --> 00:47:58,771 We were going on vacation, and we were leaving New York City. 1046 00:47:58,937 --> 00:48:00,397 And we were going through security. 1047 00:48:00,522 --> 00:48:04,568 And the TSA agent found a tub of hummus 1048 00:48:04,693 --> 00:48:06,738 in my wife's carry-on. 1049 00:48:06,905 --> 00:48:08,948 And they took it out, and they said, 1050 00:48:09,115 --> 00:48:11,242 you can't bring hummus on the plane. 1051 00:48:11,367 --> 00:48:15,455 And my wife said, I've brought hummus on the plane before, 1052 00:48:15,622 --> 00:48:20,251 which was less convincing than she thought it would be. 1053 00:48:20,376 --> 00:48:21,169 Because their answer to that was 1054 00:48:21,294 --> 00:48:23,754 you can't bring hummus on the plane. 1055 00:48:23,921 --> 00:48:26,089 And my wife said, but it's not a liquid. 1056 00:48:26,256 --> 00:48:29,260 And they said, it's also not a solid. 1057 00:48:32,930 --> 00:48:34,973 And it turns out, in cases like this, 1058 00:48:35,140 --> 00:48:38,019 the tie goes to the TSA agent. 1059 00:48:40,979 --> 00:48:43,316 And look, I was on my wife's side. 1060 00:48:43,482 --> 00:48:45,526 I mean, everybody's bringing hummus on planes. 1061 00:48:45,651 --> 00:48:48,446 Why are they singling her out? 1062 00:48:48,571 --> 00:48:50,323 Every time you go on a plane these days, 1063 00:48:50,490 --> 00:48:54,118 you walk down the aisle, five, seven tubs of hummus. 1064 00:48:58,997 --> 00:49:01,209 But they took her hummus. 1065 00:49:01,334 --> 00:49:02,834 And then we were walking and she was upset. 1066 00:49:03,002 --> 00:49:05,171 And she said to me, can you believe that? 1067 00:49:05,338 --> 00:49:06,296 And I said, no, 1068 00:49:06,421 --> 00:49:09,383 but I didn't say which part I hadn't believed. 1069 00:49:12,970 --> 00:49:16,975 I'd been honest without being truthful. 1070 00:49:17,100 --> 00:49:17,809 And that would be the end of that story, 1071 00:49:17,975 --> 00:49:20,310 but we had to fly back to New York. 1072 00:49:20,435 --> 00:49:23,064 And on the way back, my wife stopped on the way 1073 00:49:23,189 --> 00:49:26,984 to the airport at a Whole Foods and bought a tub of hummus, 1074 00:49:27,151 --> 00:49:29,028 same size, if not even a little bit bigger. 1075 00:49:29,194 --> 00:49:31,656 And they found it again. 1076 00:49:31,781 --> 00:49:32,865 This time, they found it in the Whole Foods bag, 1077 00:49:33,031 --> 00:49:37,245 which is what you call asking for it. 1078 00:49:37,370 --> 00:49:40,080 And they pulled it out, and they said to my wife, 1079 00:49:40,205 --> 00:49:41,332 you can't bring hummus on the plane. 1080 00:49:41,457 --> 00:49:45,502 And she said, I've brought hummus on the plane before, 1081 00:49:45,627 --> 00:49:47,588 conveniently leaving out what had happened 1082 00:49:47,714 --> 00:49:50,674 the most recent before. 1083 00:49:50,841 --> 00:49:51,758 And still, they took her hummus. 1084 00:49:51,883 --> 00:49:53,510 And then we walked through. 1085 00:49:53,678 --> 00:49:55,763 And we were walking, and I could tell she was upset. 1086 00:49:55,888 --> 00:49:59,057 And I knew I shouldn't say anything. 1087 00:49:59,225 --> 00:50:02,019 I knew the right path forward was just to keep my mouth shut, 1088 00:50:02,185 --> 00:50:03,396 but I couldn't help myself. 1089 00:50:03,562 --> 00:50:04,939 And I turned to her with a big smile 1090 00:50:05,064 --> 00:50:08,484 and said, well, you'll get them next time. 1091 00:50:14,406 --> 00:50:17,368 She is here tonight, by the way. 1092 00:50:21,497 --> 00:50:24,332 She's not here. 1093 00:50:30,006 --> 00:50:32,633 Are you crazy? 1094 00:50:32,758 --> 00:50:34,760 She's here, and I'm gonna tell the hummus story 1095 00:50:34,926 --> 00:50:37,638 we haven't talked about since? 1096 00:50:42,060 --> 00:50:43,602 I'll tell you this. 1097 00:50:43,769 --> 00:50:44,812 I know my wife. 1098 00:50:44,937 --> 00:50:45,812 She's a substantial woman. 1099 00:50:45,937 --> 00:50:46,981 She's got grit. 1100 00:50:47,106 --> 00:50:49,066 She's got determination. 1101 00:50:49,191 --> 00:50:52,736 The next time we fly, she's getting hummus on a plane. 1102 00:50:52,861 --> 00:50:54,238 I believe in her. 1103 00:50:54,405 --> 00:50:56,156 I believe she's gonna get hummus on the plane. 1104 00:50:56,281 --> 00:50:57,533 She's gonna go to the airport. 1105 00:50:57,658 --> 00:51:00,160 She's gonna unzip her carry-on, and she's gonna take out a bag 1106 00:51:00,285 --> 00:51:04,582 of chickpeas and a muddler. 1107 00:51:04,749 --> 00:51:06,501 And she's gonna look that TSA agent in the eye 1108 00:51:06,626 --> 00:51:08,127 and be like, officer, I think everything 1109 00:51:08,294 --> 00:51:09,921 here is legal and above board. 1110 00:51:10,088 --> 00:51:15,468 And they're just gonna nod 'cause they know they've lost. 1111 00:51:15,635 --> 00:51:17,260 And then in deference to her victory, 1112 00:51:17,428 --> 00:51:19,180 all of the TSA in the airport 1113 00:51:19,305 --> 00:51:21,682 is gonna stand to make a gate for her to walk through. 1114 00:51:21,807 --> 00:51:27,187 They're gonna hold up their magnetic wands like swords. 1115 00:51:27,312 --> 00:51:29,147 And she's gonna walk through the airport 1116 00:51:29,314 --> 00:51:30,857 underneath the magnetic wands. 1117 00:51:30,982 --> 00:51:32,609 And passengers are gonna scream her name 1118 00:51:32,734 --> 00:51:36,823 and throw pita chips at her feet like rose petals. 1119 00:51:36,988 --> 00:51:38,533 And then she's gonna get on the plane, 1120 00:51:38,658 --> 00:51:39,867 and we're gonna sit down. 1121 00:51:39,992 --> 00:51:41,535 And she's gonna finish making her concoction, 1122 00:51:41,660 --> 00:51:43,120 and she's gonna say to the kids, who wants hummus? 1123 00:51:43,287 --> 00:51:45,789 And they're all gonna say, we hate hummus. 1124 00:51:49,584 --> 00:51:52,588 And I'm gonna whisper, don't care for. 1125 00:52:06,017 --> 00:52:06,977 So my kids have never watched my show, 1126 00:52:07,144 --> 00:52:10,397 but I recently brought my kids to the show 1127 00:52:10,522 --> 00:52:12,482 because we had our tenth anniversary show, 1128 00:52:12,607 --> 00:52:14,693 and we had President Joe Biden on the show. 1129 00:52:14,861 --> 00:52:15,986 Thank you. Very kind. 1130 00:52:16,153 --> 00:52:18,156 We had President Biden on the show. 1131 00:52:18,281 --> 00:52:19,656 And I thought, you know what? 1132 00:52:19,823 --> 00:52:22,577 When's the next time I'm gonna have my kids be in the position 1133 00:52:22,702 --> 00:52:23,870 to meet the president? 1134 00:52:24,035 --> 00:52:25,495 And, you know, I might not want them to meet the next one. 1135 00:52:25,620 --> 00:52:28,665 So I said, you know what, let's-- 1136 00:52:28,832 --> 00:52:31,002 let's bring the kids in to meet the president. 1137 00:52:31,127 --> 00:52:33,171 And the best thing about watching my kids 1138 00:52:33,336 --> 00:52:36,173 meet the president is not how the president behaved, 1139 00:52:36,298 --> 00:52:38,676 but rather how each of my children 1140 00:52:38,843 --> 00:52:41,011 acted differently based on their personality. 1141 00:52:41,136 --> 00:52:43,388 First up was my oldest, and my oldest is just-- 1142 00:52:43,555 --> 00:52:45,348 he's the sweetest boy in the world, 1143 00:52:45,473 --> 00:52:46,559 and he's just trying so hard. 1144 00:52:46,725 --> 00:52:47,935 Like a lot of oldest siblings, he just wants to be 1145 00:52:48,060 --> 00:52:49,896 the best kid he can be. 1146 00:52:50,062 --> 00:52:51,731 So anyway, he picked out his outfit, 1147 00:52:51,897 --> 00:52:53,857 and he wore his nicest clothes from his picture day. 1148 00:52:54,024 --> 00:52:55,443 And he just walked into the room, 1149 00:52:55,568 --> 00:52:56,026 and he was like, hello, Mr. President, my name is Ashe. 1150 00:52:56,151 --> 00:52:57,903 Nice to meet you. 1151 00:52:58,069 --> 00:52:59,780 And I was just so proud of him. 1152 00:52:59,906 --> 00:53:03,033 Like, my heart broke at how wonderfully he had performed. 1153 00:53:03,200 --> 00:53:04,118 Next up was my middle son. 1154 00:53:04,243 --> 00:53:08,372 He was born in the lobby of an apartment building 1155 00:53:08,497 --> 00:53:10,374 and behaves like it every day of his life. 1156 00:53:10,499 --> 00:53:13,211 I don't--can't quite explain what that is. 1157 00:53:13,336 --> 00:53:14,921 I just know that even if you didn't know who he was, 1158 00:53:15,086 --> 00:53:16,421 if you saw him across the room, you'd be like, 1159 00:53:16,589 --> 00:53:19,383 I think that one was born in a lobby. 1160 00:53:19,508 --> 00:53:21,885 He picked out his outfit as well. 1161 00:53:22,053 --> 00:53:27,225 He wore a train conductor's jacket and a pair of Ray-Bans. 1162 00:53:27,350 --> 00:53:30,269 And he literally danced into the room. 1163 00:53:30,435 --> 00:53:31,729 And when he danced into the room, 1164 00:53:31,896 --> 00:53:32,562 my oldest was so embarrassed. 1165 00:53:32,687 --> 00:53:34,314 He, like, cocked his fist back. 1166 00:53:34,439 --> 00:53:35,941 And then he remembered that earlier that morning, 1167 00:53:36,107 --> 00:53:37,818 I told him he had good handwriting, 1168 00:53:37,943 --> 00:53:39,361 and he was like-- 1169 00:53:44,367 --> 00:53:46,660 So my middle dances in the room and just starts singing. 1170 00:53:46,785 --> 00:53:49,120 ♪ Joe Biden, Joe Biden, Joe Biden ♪ 1171 00:53:49,287 --> 00:53:51,289 And he gets right next to him, 1172 00:53:51,457 --> 00:53:53,584 and he screams in the president's face. 1173 00:53:53,709 --> 00:53:57,421 You're my "fave-whit" "pwesident!" 1174 00:53:57,588 --> 00:53:59,464 And Joe Biden was so taken aback 1175 00:53:59,631 --> 00:54:00,383 because I don't even think Joe Biden 1176 00:54:00,508 --> 00:54:03,551 is Joe Biden's favorite president. 1177 00:54:07,807 --> 00:54:09,182 He looked at me like, have you not told him about Obama? 1178 00:54:09,307 --> 00:54:11,435 Because he would-- 1179 00:54:11,560 --> 00:54:13,896 if he likes me, he would love Obama. 1180 00:54:16,274 --> 00:54:19,276 And then the best, though, was my daughter, 1181 00:54:19,401 --> 00:54:20,611 Addie, two and a half. 1182 00:54:20,736 --> 00:54:22,946 And the president was incredible with her. 1183 00:54:23,071 --> 00:54:26,283 It was really something to see, his sweetness. 1184 00:54:26,408 --> 00:54:29,287 He sat on the couch so that he was at eye level with her. 1185 00:54:29,452 --> 00:54:31,664 And she walked over, and he reached into a bag. 1186 00:54:31,830 --> 00:54:35,042 And he pulled out a stuffed Commander, the White House dog. 1187 00:54:35,167 --> 00:54:38,963 And he didn't know this, but in January, 1188 00:54:39,088 --> 00:54:40,006 I had gone to the White House, 1189 00:54:40,171 --> 00:54:42,298 and I had left with three stuffed Commanders, 1190 00:54:42,466 --> 00:54:43,591 and I had given them to my children. 1191 00:54:43,718 --> 00:54:47,220 But he reached into the bag, and he held it out to Addie. 1192 00:54:47,345 --> 00:54:50,975 And he went like, [mumbles]. 1193 00:54:57,314 --> 00:54:59,816 He said, I got this for you. 1194 00:54:59,984 --> 00:55:01,193 And she just looked at it, and then she looked at him 1195 00:55:01,359 --> 00:55:04,321 and said, I got that. 1196 00:55:07,325 --> 00:55:09,160 And he said, you have one of these? 1197 00:55:09,327 --> 00:55:11,327 And she goes, yeah, I got that at home. 1198 00:55:13,497 --> 00:55:14,664 And he's just holding it. 1199 00:55:14,789 --> 00:55:16,167 And he goes, you want another one? 1200 00:55:16,334 --> 00:55:18,669 And she goes, no. 1201 00:55:21,629 --> 00:55:24,508 And I've been so worried about that interaction all day 1202 00:55:24,674 --> 00:55:26,551 because my daughter is a huge Trump supporter, 1203 00:55:26,718 --> 00:55:30,013 and--and not on social issues. 1204 00:55:30,138 --> 00:55:32,182 It's all tax stuff with her. 1205 00:55:32,350 --> 00:55:33,892 She's NATO. 1206 00:55:34,060 --> 00:55:35,519 She feels like the NATO countries don't pay enough. 1207 00:55:35,644 --> 00:55:38,314 Don't get into it with her if you see her. 1208 00:55:40,356 --> 00:55:41,232 I have a weird thing happening, 1209 00:55:41,399 --> 00:55:44,028 which is I grew up in the suburbs. 1210 00:55:44,194 --> 00:55:46,196 All I ever wanted to do was live in New York City. 1211 00:55:46,321 --> 00:55:47,238 My kids live in New York City. 1212 00:55:47,406 --> 00:55:49,200 All they want to do is live in the suburbs. 1213 00:55:49,367 --> 00:55:51,285 Like, we visit my parents. 1214 00:55:51,410 --> 00:55:53,037 My parents live in the same house 1215 00:55:53,203 --> 00:55:55,039 I grew up in in a nondescript New Hampshire suburb. 1216 00:55:55,164 --> 00:55:56,915 And every time we leave, my kids are basically like, 1217 00:55:57,082 --> 00:56:01,879 when are you gonna make enough money to buy a house like this? 1218 00:56:02,004 --> 00:56:04,214 Because we live in New York, and nothing about New York 1219 00:56:04,339 --> 00:56:05,758 makes sense to kids. 1220 00:56:05,924 --> 00:56:08,426 There's none of the appeal of New York appeals to them. 1221 00:56:08,593 --> 00:56:10,388 They're never like, well, sure, Grandma and Grandpa 1222 00:56:10,553 --> 00:56:14,642 have a front and back yard, but we can walk to the theater! 1223 00:56:19,604 --> 00:56:20,897 I have one of those New York City apartments, 1224 00:56:21,022 --> 00:56:21,564 if you ever lived in New York, you'd be like, 1225 00:56:21,731 --> 00:56:22,566 this is a great apartment. 1226 00:56:22,732 --> 00:56:23,274 If you lived anywhere else in the world, 1227 00:56:23,441 --> 00:56:26,236 you'd be like, I guess so. 1228 00:56:26,361 --> 00:56:30,073 Here are some of the features about my very expensive 1229 00:56:30,240 --> 00:56:31,117 New York City apartment. 1230 00:56:31,283 --> 00:56:32,410 It's never fully dark. 1231 00:56:32,575 --> 00:56:34,120 It's never fully quiet. 1232 00:56:34,285 --> 00:56:35,745 We live near a university, 1233 00:56:35,912 --> 00:56:37,455 so every other night at 1:00 in the morning, 1234 00:56:37,622 --> 00:56:39,165 you hear someone yell something like, 1235 00:56:39,290 --> 00:56:42,752 Krista says she'll meet us there! 1236 00:56:47,298 --> 00:56:50,260 And whoever the Krista news is being yelled at 1237 00:56:50,428 --> 00:56:51,636 does not hear it the first time. 1238 00:56:51,803 --> 00:56:55,515 So they're like, Krista's not with us! 1239 00:56:55,640 --> 00:56:57,184 And so then the first person has to be like, 1240 00:56:57,309 --> 00:56:59,687 no, Krista says she'll meet us there! 1241 00:56:59,812 --> 00:57:01,312 And it takes everything in my power not to open up the window 1242 00:57:01,479 --> 00:57:07,111 and be like, you guys, Krista's dead! 1243 00:57:07,236 --> 00:57:08,696 Krista died. 1244 00:57:08,821 --> 00:57:12,073 It's, like, so sad, you guys, but she's dead. 1245 00:57:16,828 --> 00:57:17,455 Do we have heat in our apartment? 1246 00:57:17,580 --> 00:57:19,289 Yeah, we have exposed radiators. 1247 00:57:19,457 --> 00:57:21,292 And the best thing about them is 1248 00:57:21,417 --> 00:57:22,292 they're so hot that when you touch it, 1249 00:57:22,459 --> 00:57:23,294 you don't burn yourself. 1250 00:57:23,419 --> 00:57:26,379 You just die. 1251 00:57:26,504 --> 00:57:29,216 They're like lava that way, 1252 00:57:29,341 --> 00:57:32,260 I think. 1253 00:57:33,511 --> 00:57:36,140 I've been told our radiators are the feature 1254 00:57:36,307 --> 00:57:37,307 of a prewar building. 1255 00:57:37,432 --> 00:57:40,727 I'm not sure which war they were talking about. 1256 00:57:40,852 --> 00:57:42,979 They're not the only prewar feature 1257 00:57:43,104 --> 00:57:44,564 in our apartment building. 1258 00:57:44,689 --> 00:57:46,316 We also have a neighbor across the hall 1259 00:57:46,484 --> 00:57:50,571 who could definitely find Prussia on a map. 1260 00:57:54,533 --> 00:57:57,702 And much like Prussia after World War II, 1261 00:57:57,870 --> 00:58:00,997 she also doesn't have boundaries. 1262 00:58:05,711 --> 00:58:07,086 The other day, I was trying to get 1263 00:58:07,213 --> 00:58:07,879 my son out the door to school. 1264 00:58:08,046 --> 00:58:09,673 And I got him into the hallway, 1265 00:58:09,798 --> 00:58:11,341 and he was just having one of those rough mornings 1266 00:58:11,466 --> 00:58:12,510 that kids have. 1267 00:58:12,635 --> 00:58:13,676 And I got him in the hallway, 1268 00:58:13,801 --> 00:58:15,345 and then he sort of wrestled his way free of me, 1269 00:58:15,470 --> 00:58:17,723 and he ran into the apartment. 1270 00:58:17,890 --> 00:58:20,935 And then I chased him in with his shoes in my hand, 1271 00:58:21,060 --> 00:58:22,352 and I left the door open. 1272 00:58:22,477 --> 00:58:23,771 And I finally managed to get him in a chair. 1273 00:58:23,896 --> 00:58:25,189 And I'm trying to get his shoes on. 1274 00:58:25,314 --> 00:58:26,689 And I'm upset, and he's crying. 1275 00:58:26,856 --> 00:58:27,607 And we're just having a really bad morning. 1276 00:58:27,732 --> 00:58:29,276 And then, all of a sudden, we hear-- 1277 00:58:29,401 --> 00:58:32,821 ♪ Hush, little baby ♪ 1278 00:58:35,406 --> 00:58:37,700 ♪ Don't say a word ♪ 1279 00:58:37,868 --> 00:58:40,912 And we turn around, and our neighbor has just 1280 00:58:41,080 --> 00:58:43,249 wandered through the open door into our apartment, 1281 00:58:43,414 --> 00:58:47,044 wearing a nightgown the color of which I would describe 1282 00:58:47,169 --> 00:58:50,171 as Victorian apparition. 1283 00:58:53,551 --> 00:58:58,347 Ghost of girl who drowned in town well. 1284 00:59:00,682 --> 00:59:01,892 And I love that she was in her apartment, 1285 00:59:02,059 --> 00:59:03,269 and she heard a kid crying, and she goes, 1286 00:59:03,435 --> 00:59:06,146 I know what calms kids down, 1287 00:59:06,272 --> 00:59:10,066 the haunted nursery rhymes they sing in horror movie trailers. 1288 00:59:13,571 --> 00:59:15,406 But there is a very happy ending to that story, 1289 00:59:15,573 --> 00:59:17,073 and it's what I'm gonna leave you with, 1290 00:59:17,198 --> 00:59:19,743 because in that moment when our neighbor walked in, 1291 00:59:19,868 --> 00:59:22,955 my son and I locked eyes. 1292 00:59:23,122 --> 00:59:27,001 And I realized he was thinking the exact same thing 1293 00:59:27,126 --> 00:59:28,502 that I was thinking. 1294 00:59:28,627 --> 00:59:30,504 Because he looked at her, and then he looked at me, 1295 00:59:30,629 --> 00:59:35,508 and he said, fuck this. 1296 00:59:35,633 --> 00:59:38,428 And I said, you just paid for college, buddy! 1297 00:59:38,595 --> 00:59:40,472 Thank you so much, Chicago! 1298 00:59:40,638 --> 00:59:43,475 Have a great night! 1299 00:59:43,642 --> 00:59:46,437 [upbeat music] 1300 00:59:46,604 --> 00:59:52,651 ♪ ♪ 1301 00:59:52,818 --> 00:59:55,111 - ♪ I met Vanessa out in front of her building ♪ 1302 00:59:55,236 --> 00:59:58,781 ♪ She was vague and dazed and drowning ♪ 1303 00:59:58,906 --> 00:59:59,533 ♪ She says she's got a new man ♪ 1304 00:59:59,658 --> 01:00:01,368 ♪ And he's in a new band ♪ 1305 01:00:01,493 --> 01:00:05,664 ♪ And they got a new sound ♪ 1306 01:00:05,830 --> 01:00:08,792 ♪ I said, hardcore is in the eye of the beholder ♪ 1307 01:00:08,917 --> 01:00:12,171 ♪ I got a broken heart from 1989 ♪ 1308 01:00:12,338 --> 01:00:15,716 ♪ I was holding my head in my hands from the heat ♪ 1309 01:00:21,680 --> 01:00:24,642 [bright tone]