♪
[TV static ]
[bright tone]
[cheers and applause]
- How we doing, Chicago?
[cheering]
How we doing, Vic Theatre?
It's so wonderful to be with you tonight.
It's so wonderful to be with you.
Guys, I'm gonna get right into it.
I'm having a crisis of confidence.
I'm having a crisis of confidence
because my six-year-old has recently started
saying something that's funnier than any joke
I've written in the past year.
When my six-year-old has to pee, he comes over
and says, I have to pee.
When my six-year-old has to poop, he comes over,
and he whispers in my ear,
I have a secret that's brown.
It's perfect, no notes.
Because what else could it possibly be?
I have a secret that's brown.
Let me guess, you got to poop?
No, Mom's having an affair with the UPS guy.
And look, it's great anytime you're a parent
and your kid says something funny.
It's so much better if you're a comedian
because the minute he said it,
I couldn't wait to get out on stage
and tell it to you.
Because that's the thing, the most important thing to me
is that my kids are happy,
but I also love when they're material.
To put it in a simpler way, I want them to be content,
but I also want them to be content.
I did a special called "Lobby Baby"
because my second-- [cheers and applause]
Thank you.
[cheering]
My second was born in the lobby of our apartment building.
It was an incredible story.
But even more than that, do you know what sound it makes
when you're a comedian and your child is born in the lobby
of an apartment building?
Cha-fucking-ching.
Like, as far as I'm concerned,
"Lobby Baby" has paid for college.
Secret that's brown, on his way.
That's not enough for a four-year
accredited university,
but it's a couple of semesters at DeVry.
I am gonna talk a fair amount about having kids tonight,
and I appreciate that not everyone here is a parent.
We do have a pretty cool consolation prize for you,
which is this-- at the end of the night,
you all get to go back to a home
where no fucking kids live.
So that--
[cheering]
That's pretty great.
You can go binge a show, whatever that means.
Bingeing a show?
My wife and I are so tired,
not only do we not binge shows,
I would describe the way we watch television
as microdosing.
We watch 10 minutes of an episode at a time.
My wife falls asleep after the first five minutes,
but I'm not allowed to turn it off
because the sudden drop in volume will wake her up.
So I just have to slowly bring down the volume,
continuing to watch while the characters
just get quieter and quieter,
which I think is what it's like to watch TV
when you're having a stroke.
And then, the next night, I have to go back
and watch those five minutes again.
I start with that.
Basically, what I'm saying is for us to finish
an episode of television,
it takes like three and a half months.
I'm gonna talk about my kids.
So I should tell you their names.
My kids are named Ashe, Axel, and Addie.
And independently, those are all great names.
Together, it is a disaster.
It's such a weird, mean thing to do to grandparents
to bring over three kids and be like,
here are your grandkids, ah, ah, ah.
They're just--
Old people need words that sound massively different
in their pronunciation.
It's why Lipitor doesn't rhyme with arsenic.
You need a safety buffer.
I'm not gonna tell you whose idea it was
to give all three of our kids A names.
I will only tell you that my name is Seth,
and my wife's name is Alexi.
A lot of times, people say, oh, Alexi.
You must get her name mixed up with the kids' names as well
because it's also an A name. And I don't.
I would say the hardest thing about having a wife named Alexi
is how often our Alexa thinks I'm talking to it.
And making matters worse,
I only use my wife's first name when we're fighting
and I'm being passive aggressive,
which means our Alexa often says things like,
I'm sorry, I don't know what you mean by,
we all can't be as perfect as you.
I'm raising kids in New York City.
I love raising kids in New York City.
One thing, of course, though, when you're raising kids
in New York City or any city
is you have to be cognizant of safety all the time.
I walk my boys to school every day,
and from a very young age,
we came up with something when we cross the street,
which is we'd walk up to the curb,
and we would look at the cross light.
And if it was a red hand, all three of us
would say, red hand, and we'd stop.
And if it was a green man,
all three of us would say, green man.
And then we'd cross the street.
And I enjoyed it, and the boys were tickled by it.
And passers by seemed delighted by the whole show.
And so it was just great.
And then the other day, my wife was with us,
and she looked up at the cross light, and she said,
you know, it's actually more white than green.
And I said, yeah.
I don't know how good I'd feel about me and the boys
all announcing white man
before we cross the street.
Making matters worse, my boys walk and talk like this.
White man!
Make way for white man!
Motorists and cyclists take heed!
For there is white man in the thoroughfare!
Safe passage is our birthright.
I would describe being a parent as just constantly
suppressing your true self.
Here's a good example.
When you're a parent, you have to watch your language
all the time. And I do.
I try very hard to watch my language in front of my kids.
However, with that said,
I sometimes feel I don't get enough credit
for the first word I wanted to say.
Like, for example, the other day,
I was in the kitchen.
All the kids were within earshot,
and I put my hand on the stove, and I burned it,
and I went, goddamn it.
And my wife looked at me as if to say,
you need to do a better job.
And I agree with that.
But at the same time, I wanted to gather the entire family
around and say, you guys know the word Daddy wanted to say
was motherfucker, right?
And when you have motherfucker locked and loaded,
you can't downshift all the way to rats.
You just can't do it.
At my age, I'd throw my back out if I did that.
If you ever see Daddy wearing a neck brace,
know he wanted to scream, son of a bitch,
and instead said, sassafras!
You never want to say a bad word in front of your children
because then your spouse will blame you for it
every time they say it for the rest of their life.
The nice thing, though, is you can tell
based on how a kid says a word
where they learned the word.
Like, for example, you can tell when your kids
learned a bad word at school.
Like, the other day, one of our kids came home,
and he just danced through the living room going,
shit, shit, shit, shit, shit,
shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.
And my wife looked at me like it was my fault.
And I'm like, he didn't get that from me.
I've never stubbed my toe and then done, like,
a kick ball chain across the room.
Just as easily, however,
you can tell when they learned it from you.
The other day, my son was building a LEGO set,
and it was at the dining room table,
and the whole thing collapsed.
And when it collapsed, he went like this,
ugh,
fuck this.
I was like, that's me.
That was from me.
That looked exactly like me.
That was like looking into a mirror.
It's not just profanity that is ugly
coming out of the mouths of children.
There are certain words that we're always
telling our kids not to say.
"Disgusting" is a word we're always begging them not to say.
Stupid.
We're always telling them, don't say stupid.
The biggest one is hate.
Kids will say all day long that they hate things,
and we're just like, don't say hate.
Say you don't like, say you don't care for.
And we really try to drill that through their heads.
And then the other day, one of my boys ran into our bedroom,
and he was like, hey, Dad, you know who I hate?
And I said, buddy, we don't say hate.
We say we don't like.
We say we don't care for.
And then I could tell he was upset.
So I said, who were you gonna say?
And he said, I was gonna say the guy
who killed Martin Luther King.
And then I immediately was like oh, no,
please definitely say hate for that.
The last thing I want is my kid walking around town being like,
you know who I never cared for?
James Earl Ray.
The man was not my cup of tea.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I see my light has changed.
White man!
I could never hate my kids.
I could never hate my kids, you guys.
I could never hate my kids.
With that said, I do think it's healthy--
I do think it's healthy to keep a mental list
of the three things they're currently doing
that I hate the most.
I hate how they roll dice.
They can't keep two dice on the table to save their lives.
And the minute they start their roll, you know.
You're like, you're coming in too hot.
They'll say, how does Monopoly work?
I'm like, here's how it works.
Keep both dice on the table, you win.
Try to remember we're in a breakfast nook,
not the craps table at the Bellagio.
Here's my impression of me playing board games
with my kids.
And then sometimes after I get the die,
I'll just stay there for a minute.
You know, because they don't know that I have it.
And it's just kind of peaceful to be under the couch.
I'll kick my legs a little bit so they
know I'm alive.
I'll just rest there.
Make eye contact with the spider.
Hello, friend.
Do you have children?
I hate the way they roll dice.
I hate when they wake up in the middle of the night.
My kids are at the age now where they're having nightmares
and when they have nightmares, they will come to our room.
And when they come to our room, my wife and I know
that one of us is gonna have to be up for the next hour
trying to coax them back to sleep.
And it's gotten to the point--
this is so traumatic for me
that it's gotten to the point that when I hear the doorknob
rattle, I actually think to myself,
maybe I'll get lucky and it's just an intruder.
Maybe it's just an intruder
who will politely steal my valuables.
And then I won't have to scratch his back
for the next hour.
Made a terrible decision last summer.
Last summer, my son had a nightmare,
and he couldn't get back to sleep.
And I said, how about I scratch your back, buddy?
Maybe that'll help.
And now--you guys, now I think he likes the back scratches
so much that he's making up the nightmares.
'Cause he's coming into my room,
and he does not have the energy
of a kid who has actually been spooked.
He's like, bad news!
Skeleton man came back!
Good news,
I've already pulled my shirt up.
I do have a good parenting hack
if you have a kid who's always asking
to get their back scratched.
What you do is you take a little piece of masking tape,
and you just slap it over their mouths.
I hate how they roll dice.
I hate when they wake me up in the middle of the night.
I'm gonna take a knee for the third one.
I hate how much they talk about lava.
They talk about lava all the time.
I blame the schools.
I get it, you're trying to teach science to young kids.
You're gonna talk about volcanoes.
You're gonna talk about lavas.
But then they come home,
and they have all these lava questions.
And, you guys, I don't know anything about lava.
The only thing I know about lava
is if they see it up close,
I've done a bad job as a father.
I can't tell you how many times
I've been trying to parallel park the car
into a tiny spot, and as I'm looking back,
I just see two dumb faces looking at me.
And they're like, if you touch lava, do you die?
I could never hate my kids.
I could never hurt my kids.
You guys, I could never hurt my kids.
I will admit, every now and then,
I do pull off one of their sweaters as fast as I can.
If it's the end of a long day and they won't even
do me the courtesy of helping me get them undressed,
I will take every top layer they're wearing
and yank it upwards because--
and it brings me great shame to say it--
this moment gives me joy.
When it catches.
When it catches like this.
When I "Clockwork Orange" my children
into seeing what they've done to me.
It's not permanent.
It always goes right back down, you know?
I will say, your perspective on almost everything changes
once you have kids.
And again, mine are eight, six, and two.
And I will say, something that has become very haunting
to receive in the mail for us is a wedding invitation
because one of two things can happen
when we receive a wedding invitation.
The first thing is that the wedding invitation says,
"We're encouraging people not to bring their children,"
and that means we have to find child care
for an evening or sometimes a whole weekend.
And that's bad.
But what is worse is when they say,
"We're inviting your whole family
to witness our special day."
And that is only something that a dumb, unmarried couple
would think is a good idea.
A dumb, unmarried, childless couple
would think it's a good idea to have kids witness
your special day 'cause they don't know yet
that kids will ruin any day, special or otherwise.
And when I have three young kids at a wedding,
I'm just dreading the moment
that I'm gonna have to go out on the dance floor,
interrupt the father-daughter dance,
and be like, hi, I'm so sorry to interrupt.
Congratulations, sir.
She makes a beautiful bride.
Hey, our kids ate your cake.
They ate the whole cake.
I don't know what to say.
The cake is gone, and I can tell
it's a really expensive cake.
But it's kind of your fault
because we never should have been here.
And anyway, if you're thinking I'm not gonna be punished,
I'm gonna be punished 'cause my kids ate a whole giant cake.
So that means they're gonna be up all night,
and they're gonna be shitting all morning.
The kids ate the cake.
Thank you, by the way, for making them wear tiny tuxedos.
You don't know this yet about kids,
but their favorite thing in the world to do
is go to a formal wear place while a guy tells them to stand
still with pins in his mouth.
Thank you for that.
Thank you for the tiny tuxedos.
We should have bought one 'cause I can't imagine
it would have been less expensive
than how fucking expensive it was to rent.
Anyways, my wife's in the car.
She wanted me to say goodbye.
She's passive aggressively looking at her phone,
'cause I guess right before she went to the bathroom,
she said, don't let the kids eat the cake.
And that's exactly what had happened.
So now she might never talk to me again.
But I want you to know I hope you stay married forever.
And if you don't stay married forever and get divorced,
I'm gonna come and take a dump on your lawn.
Thank you. Good night. Beautiful bride.
Can we admit now that having to show a vaccine card
to get into a restaurant during COVID was not, in fact,
like living in Germany during World War II?
Can we admit that now?
Because, you guys,
every single time I had to show my vaccine card
to get into a restaurant,
the host or the hostess was so apologetic.
They're like, we're so sorry.
Can we just take a quick look at your vaccine card?
Or if you have a picture of your vaccine card
on your phone, or if you want
to take a picture of my vaccine card
and just show it back to me.
Or if you can just prove to me
that your phone can take pictures,
that's more than enough for us to get you to your table.
And I've seen a lot of movies about Germany
during World War II,
and I don't remember a single scene
where the Gestapo behaved that way.
I don't remember a single scene where the Gestapo kicked in
the door and was like...
[German accent] We demand to see your papers.
And we are so sorry.
That we are still doing this whole "see your papers" things.
This is so irritating to us, too.
This is, like, for real, our least favorite part...
About being in ze Gestapo.
It's just our boss is such...
a Nazi.
[normal voice] That is a very offensive German accent.
That is a cartoonishly bad German accent.
And recently, I did a show,
and there was a German audience member.
And afterwards, they came up to me, and they said,
do you often do a German accent on stage?
And I said, yes, I enjoy doing a German accent on stage.
And they said, how would you feel
if you saw a German comedian
doing an American accent on stage?
And I said, I'm never gonna see a German comedian.
Like, what is the series of events that would have
to go wrong in my life
for me to, like, walk into a club
as someone on stage is like, make some noise for Klaus?
And then I'm like, I'll stick around for this.
And then I'm sitting in my seat, and all of a sudden,
he's like, and then Americans are like,
I would like 20 Chicken McNuggets.
And I'm like, we don't sound like that.
Anyway, after that very rude answer, he regrouped,
and he said, well, how about this?
Would you do an African accent on stage?
And I said, dear God, no.
I would never do an African accent on stage.
And he said, where is the line?
And I said, where is the line
for what accents a white comedian can do in 2024?
The borders of Europe.
That's the line, from Finland to Italy,
from Portugal to Ukraine.
I wouldn't fuck with Turkey.
That's the line.
And you can have a healthy comedy career.
Here, I'll show you how it works.
Here's my impression of a Swedish person
ordering from a Chinese waiter.
[Swedish accent] Yes, hello.
Do you have the chicken chow mein tonight?
[normal voice] No, we're out of that.
I chose Swedish on purpose
because I'm almost certain it's impossible
to do an offensive Swedish accent.
And I'm basing that entirely on the fact
that "The Muppet Show" never got canceled.
How was that OK?
How was the Swedish Chef OK?
Schmorgedy, borgedy, borgedy.
That was--
that was--as a child, that was my introduction
to Swedish people.
That's how I thought they all behaved.
I thought they were imbeciles who were bad with cutlery.
Schmorgedy, borgedy, borgedy.
Can you imagine-- what would it have sounded like
if they'd taken the same approach
with the Pakistani Chef?
I'm not gonna do it.
But at least now I know what the sound of 1,500 buttholes
closing at the same time is.
Fwup.
My kids are really lucky.
They have all four grandparents in their lives,
and they see them all the time in person.
But they also see them all the time on FaceTime.
They're interacting with them every day.
It's so unlike how I talk to my grandparents.
My dad put me on the phone with my grandmother once a year
the way a kidnapper would put a hostage
on the phone with the police.
He would say, say hello to your grandmother.
I'd like, hello.
And then he'd grab the phone back.
He's like, now you know the boy's alive!
Put $5 in a birthday card
and leave it under the highway overpass.
I love having my parents around my kids.
It's one of the most special things
you can experience in life.
I love it so much.
The only thing that's hard
is that your parents are always
gonna have a different parenting style
from when they did it
to the parenting style that you're currently using now.
Again, my dad was a dad of young kids a long time ago,
but he was an old-school screamer.
My dad would yell at me and my brother,
and we were not a three-strike family.
We were a one-strike family.
If you disobeyed, he would just start laying into you.
And we have a much more modern,
non-confrontational parenting style.
We never yell.
We use language like-- when they're misbehaving,
we say, I can see you're upset right now.
And while I don't want to invalidate the very real
feelings you're having,
I do encourage you to work through it
on a timeline that's conducive to your schedule
while remembering the most important thing,
this is just as much your house as it is ours.
And sometimes my dad comes over,
and he reverts to his old ways.
And he tells the kids to stop doing something,
and they don't.
And then he just starts screaming at them.
And when my dad yells at my kids, I immediately intervene.
I always run over.
I'm like, Dad, that is not our way.
That is your way.
And while I would never want to invalidate your way
or make you feel less than--
But I have to admit something to you guys.
When my dad yells at my kids,
I always tell him to stop.
But also, there is a tiny voice in the back of my head
that always wants to scream,
give 'em hell, old man!
Let 'em know how good they have it!
'Cause, guys, I got to admit something.
I'm not sure our modern parenting style is working.
I'm not seeing the day-to-day results.
Like, the other day, my eight-year-old
just bit my six-year-old, just fully bit him.
They weren't even wrestling.
He just saw him across the room.
And I just watched him, like, think, like,
I'm gonna go bite him right now.
He was like a robot that was like, initiate biting protocol.
And he went over, and he bit him so hard.
And then he said, I didn't bite him.
And I was like, look at the teeth marks.
I could take your brother's arm to an orthodontist right now,
and they could fit you for Invisalign.
And I was so mad. I never do this.
I grabbed my son, and I said,
you're gonna have a timeout in the other room.
And I put him in a room, and I slammed the door.
And my plan was just to make him spend five minutes
thinking about how badly he behaved,
just five minutes reflecting on the consequences of his actions.
But I'm such a modern wuss, I could only make it,
like, two and a half minutes before I started thinking,
oh, my God, he's gonna be in therapy
the rest of his life.
This is a trauma he'll never recover from.
I have to go in and let him know he's my little slugger
and I'm always gonna love him no matter what.
And I opened the door,
expecting to see him in a puddle
in the middle of the room on the floor.
And not only was he not there,
he was leaning against the window,
looking out across the city,
not a care in the world.
He looked like he was in a French new wave film.
All that was missing was a beret and a cigarette.
[French accent] Did I bite him?
Perhaps.
But in life, you're either the biter
or ze bitter.
[normal voice] I'll tell you this.
I have a theory, guys.
My theory is this.
I think my kids
are gonna yell at their kids.
I think it skips a generation.
And I think at night, my boys are in their bunk bed
talking about it and saying, when I grow up,
I'm not gonna do that ineffective bullshit Dad does.
I'm gonna get loud like Grandpa.
And the other was one's like, oh, totally.
I'm not gonna be a beta cuck like Dad.
Invalidate your feelings?
Bitch, grow up.
My wife thinks the world can help us be better parents,
and she's always sending me Instagram videos
of Instagram moms who are trying to share their wisdom.
My take is if they look too well put together,
I just think they have different kinds of kids than ours.
Like, if they have a blowout and a Ring light,
I'm just like, I don't think this is meant for us.
And they often have very cryptic advice.
My wife sent me one where it was a woman just very calmly
saying, positive feedback
is really important for a child.
If you tell your child in the morning
that you like their handwriting,
they're less likely to punch a sibling at night.
Now, I don't know if that's true or not,
because I never remember it until it's too late.
Like, they'll just be wailing on each other in the corner.
And I run over, and I'm like, I like your handwriting!
There is--there is an Instagram mom I really like,
a style of Instagram mom.
It's the one who's, like, barely keeping it together.
And they're shooting their video like "Blair Witch Project" style
on their phone.
And they're, like, hiding in the closet
before their kids can find them.
They're like, hi, I don't have a lot of time.
We figured out a way to get Sharpie off wallpaper.
What you have to do is-- oh, no, they found me!
My wife and I are both incredibly close
with our parents, and I think
it's one of the first things we connected on.
We thought if we started our own family,
maybe we would have kids that wanted to hang out
as much with us as we want to hang out with our parents.
With that said, our families also have some differences.
For example, when I was growing up,
the rule at the dinner table was never speak unless spoken to.
If you do speak, have it be relevant to the conversation
at hand, and certainly never talk
until the person who is currently talking has finished,
whereas I feel like in my wife's family,
the rule was as soon as you think something,
say it out loud.
Ideally, try to start saying it before you finish thinking it.
Try to hear the completed thought
outside your head with your ears
for the very first time.
Another cool thing my wife's family does
is they will call a restaurant to order delivery,
and it's only when they're on the phone with the restaurant
that they ask everybody else what they want.
They will low-key criticize the restaurant on the phone
with the restaurant.
They'll be like, should we get the dumplings?
And from across the room, someone will be like,
no, their dumplings are soggy.
We're not gonna get the dumplings.
My wife's family is Jewish,
which I haven't said yet, but I have told you.
If there's one thing Jewish people agree on,
I would love to know what that is.
I really want to stress, these jokes are all pro-Semitic.
I love my Jewish wife.
I love my Jewish children.
I have incredible in-laws.
The best thing about my in-laws is they're very easy to find.
If you're ever looking for them,
they're in the middle of my fucking business.
Knock.
We have a tricky conversation coming up with our children
because my wife's grandparents were Holocaust survivors.
And obviously, that's something we're going to have to explain
to them one day.
The problem with kids is sometimes
they will ask you a question before you're prepared
on how to answer it, and they sort of force your hand.
And the other day, my wife said to one of our sons,
you're so lucky you know all four of your grandparents.
Your grandmother didn't know any of her grandparents.
And he said, what happened to them?
And she said, they all died in a war.
And he said, were they soldiers?
And she said, not everyone who dies in a war is a soldier.
And then he paused for a second and said,
oh.
Were they drummers?
Because he'd seen a Revolutionary War picture book,
and quite smartly, may I say, deduced that while the soldiers
are obviously in grave danger,
these drummers up front are dead men.
What a bad time to be good at drumming,
the Revolutionary War.
Maybe the worst time ever to be good at drumming.
And I bet when you heard word
that they were looking for drummers,
you got so excited.
You're like, oh, my God, that's great.
We don't have to fight.
We'll stay back and rehearse for a concert.
And then whenever the survivors get here,
we'll do a gig for them.
And so they raise their hand.
They were like, I know how to drum.
And they're like, great, go strap it on and stand up front.
And they were like, up front?
And they're like yeah, it's gonna be you,
another drummer, and a flute guy.
And the flute guy was like, actually, it's a fife.
And they're like, not now, flute guy.
My wife argues that I should convert to Judaism.
Her argument is everybody already assumes
that I'm Jewish--
not a bad argument. I'm a quarter Jewish.
Every Jewish person I've ever met has said,
you're Jewish, right?
I'm also a quarter Swedish.
Not one Swedish person has ever said,
schmorgedy, borgedy, borgedy, borg?
That's how they talk, guys.
I'm not gonna apologize for how they talk.
Why would "The Muppet Show" lie to me?
That's how Swedish people talk.
And this is how lab assistants talk--
me, me, me, me, me, me, me.
I recently found out some things about my lineage
because I did this incredible show on PBS
called "Finding Your Roots"
with Professor Henry Louis Gates.
It's a wonderful show, great show.
He's a brilliant man.
And I found out some things about my family
that I hadn't known before.
I found out I had descended from Lithuanian Jews,
Lithuanian Jews, famous for coining the expression,
we got to get the fuck out of Lithuania.
But I was a bad subject for the show "Finding your Roots"
because I am not easily shocked or amazed.
And the best thing about that show
is when they reveal information to you about your lineage,
and you are shocked and amazed.
And because I'm not easily shocked and amazed,
it was just a bad episode.
Like, for example, at one point,
Henry Louis Gates looked at me and said,
we tracked down one of your ancestors to the year 1650.
We found their name written in a town ledger
from the year 1650.
How does that make you feel,
knowing we tracked back a relative of yours
to the year 1650?
And all I could manage was,
well, I mean, I knew I came from people.
It's not like he was like, your great-great-grandmother
was a mermaid.
He did shock me once, but it was by accident.
You sit across from him, and there's a table between you,
and on the table is a big book full of information,
and he tees up the story.
And when he tees up the story,
he asks you to turn the page to reveal the information.
And at one point, he said to me, you're a performer.
And I said, I'm a performer.
He said, do you anyone else in your family tree
who's a performer?
And I go, I don't know a single other person in my family tree
who is a performer.
And he said, why don't you turn the page?
Because I think the next thing you're gonna see
is pretty cool.
So I turn the page, and it was a newspaper obituary
about my great-grandfather
who had died from suicide.
And Henry Louis Gates goes, what does it say?
And I said, oh, exactly that.
I go, my great-grandfather, it seems he died by suicide.
And Henry Louis Gates, to his credit,
just looked at me and said, that's a mistake.
I apologize. We're gonna edit this out.
And then he said, why don't you turn another page?
So I turned another page, and I'm like, oh,
my grandfather was in a school play.
And he said, pretty cool, right?
And I was like, Henry!
You can't bounce back
from accidentally showing someone a suicide obituary.
That would be like if a magician was like,
is this your card?
And you're like, no, I think that's a picture of your dick.
Oh, fuck. Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.
Is this your card?
Nine of spades. Is this your card?
You're still thinking about the dick pic?
Yeah!
Yeah, dude.
This is the time of the night where a lot of comedians
will start doing their anti-trans material.
I'm happy to inform you I have no anti-trans material.
I have nothing but love and respect
for the trans community.
And also, I'm always so frustrated when people frame it
as how it's inconvenient to them when someone transitions,
when they talk about how they have to learn a new name
or a new pronoun,
or they have to change a contact
in their email address folder.
And really, if we're being honest--
let's be honest for a second.
What would actually be harder for you,
if someone in your life decided they were transitioning
to a new gender, or if someone in your life
decided that as of tomorrow,
they were going to be a vegan?
Like, what makes your life harder tomorrow?
Because, you guys, five years ago,
my brother decided to be a vegan,
and I've spent multiple Thanksgivings with him,
and I 100% would prefer my next Thanksgiving start
with my dad walking in and saying, I'm a lady now--
Than I would spending another Thanksgiving
where my brother keeps asking me, is there butter in this?
I'm like, there's fucking butter in everything.
That is the true meaning of Thanksgiving
is butter in everything.
That's how the first Thanksgiving started.
The Indigenous people came over.
They were like, this is maize.
And the pilgrims said, what if we put butter on it
and call it corn?
And the Indigenous people were like, oh, my God,
this is so much better.
How can we ever repay you?
And the pilgrims were like, we have an idea,
but we're not gonna tell you yet.
White man.
My brother, who's hardcore-- my brother will not eat honey.
My brother said that vegans who eat honey are called beegans.
I found out he didn't eat honey because one day,
he was over at my apartment,
and I just sort of threw a granola bar at him
because he looked like he was starving.
And...
he picked it up, and he just started reading the label.
If there was a logo for veganism,
it should be someone at your home reading a label.
Found a problem!
By the way, I wish I could be a vegan.
Every argument for being a vegan is a good one.
It's better for the environment. It's more humane.
The best argument, though, is this, you guys.
My brother looks so much healthier than I do.
Like, if you saw a picture of my brother
and I next to each other,
you would stop eating meat yesterday.
Like, he glows like the sun.
And next to him, I look like a guy holding a lantern
at the bow of a ferry. I'm like--
The fog is thick, but we'll make it through.
I mentioned my in-laws earlier, and I want to give a special--
pay a little special attention to my wonderful mother-in-law.
I really do have the greatest mother-in-law in the world.
And my favorite thing about her
is there are also times that she agrees with me
that my wife is being a lot.
Sometimes my wife and I will be fighting
in front of my mother-in-law,
and she will just make eye contact with me
from across the room as if to say, sorry.
But it has to be non-verbal.
It is only of value to me if it is a non-verbal acknowledgment
of my wife's behavior.
If she actually speaks up in my defense,
that's a disaster for me.
Because every married person here knows
that it's always just easiest to agree with your spouse
when they're complaining about something.
And I cannot tell you how many times
it's been the end of the night,
and we're getting ready for bed.
And my wife will say, can you believe my mom says
I have to be nicer to you?
And my only response is yeah, what a bitch.
Mind your own business, lady.
I do have a mean wife.
You guys--
But only to me.
My wife is mean to me, and she is so nice to the kids,
and that is so much better than the other way around.
If my wife was nice to me but mean to the kids,
my life would be a nightmare.
I would come home, and they'd always run over
and be like, hey man, you got to step in
and do something. We're your kids, too.
And I'd be like, shh, don't talk to me.
I don't want her to know we're friends.
I--by the way, this is not an attack on my wife.
This is a defense of her meanness.
My wife works so hard.
She has three children. She is so depleted.
She has a full-time job.
My wife is a lawyer.
My wife passed the New York Bar.
She is a brilliant woman.
The New York Bar, that's the hardest one.
That's the one Giuliani passed.
So I get it.
She is tired all the time,
and she's so patient with her children.
And sometimes she has to take it out on me.
And also, I deserve it, you guys.
I am so irritating.
Here are some of the things I do.
Here are some of the things I do that earn her meanness.
We're on our third kid.
I still don't know how to collapse the stroller.
No idea.
I look at a stroller
the way a dog would if you told him to do origami.
I have no idea how to fold up the stroller.
I'll just, like, wiggle it.
I'll shake it a little bit.
Hey, quick question for the women here.
Have you ever, while watching your husband
try to collapse the stroller, thought to yourself,
I can't believe I ever thought
this man could satisfy me sexually?
Like, while he's like, I think I got it.
I almost got it.
Are you like, there's a button?
It's like, no, I think it's almost there.
Just a few more pumps.
You want to hear something heartbreaking?
The first time my wife heard me tell that joke,
hardest she's ever laughed.
She laughed a hurtful amount.
She screamed from the audience, amen, brother!
Preach!
That's not to say my wife is perfect.
There are a few things I would change about her as well.
If I could change something about my wife,
I would try to improve her skills
as a directional speaker.
My wife says important things to me
all the time with her back to me
while she's walking out of the room
without raising her voice at all.
She'll say things like, the gas company was here today.
They say there's a toxic--
So we have this fight all the time where she'll be like,
remember, we're having dinner with the Harrises in an hour.
And I'm like, when did you tell me that?
And she's like, Monday, when I whispered it into the mailbox.
Another thing I would change about my wife
is her caffeinated beverage of choice.
My wife's caffeinated beverage of choice is a matcha latte.
If you don't know what that is, I'll tell you what it's not--
available at the coffee place you are going to.
It's such a rude thing to ask for
when someone's like, we're getting coffee,
what do you want?
It would be like if you're like,
hey, we're ordering pizza. Can we get you anything?
A quiche Lorraine.
They're not gonna have that.
It doesn't hurt to ask.
It does hurt to ask.
I don't want to look like a lunatic.
I think my wife likes matcha lattes
because they are hard to get.
And the reason I say that is my wife's love language
is acts of service.
Do you guys know
the concept of love languages?
Here's the concept of love languages
for those of you who don't know.
There are five love languages.
This is how people receive love.
There's acts of service,
touch, quality time,
gifts, and words of encouragement.
And, guys, I don't know who came up with this list.
All I know is that their love language
is definitely acts of service,
because this is the biggest scam ever
that acts of service
is lumped on this list
with the other four reasonable things.
Here's life if your love language is touch
and your wife is acts of service.
When I get home, I would like a hug.
I need you to fix the boiler.
Quality time. Want to go for a walk?
Yeah, after you clean out the gutters.
It's like if an airline's loyalty program was like,
we have gold, platinum, silver.
And when we land, you clean the plane.
This is all-- what I've been doing
is all a very good example of how it is hard
to be married to a comedian.
I just get to come up here and tell you guys
what I'm thinking about my marriage.
And so, yes, it is hard to be married to a comedian.
But, guys, it's also very hard to be
a comedian who is married.
And what I mean by that is when you're married,
the right thing to do when you're having an argument
is always say the thing that will most quickly
deescalate the situation.
But when you're a comedian,
those aren't the things that pop into your head.
When you're a comedian in the middle of an argument,
all you ever think is this is a funny thing
I could say that will make it worse.
Here's an example, a recent example.
My boys love superheroes, and they're always asking me
questions about superheroes.
They'll say, who would win a fight
between Batman and Spider-Man?
Who's stronger, the Hulk or Thor?
And the other day, they said,
who's faster, Superman or the Flash?
And that's an age-old comic book question.
I was so proud of them for even coming up with it.
And I said, you know what, let me check on YouTube.
And sure enough, there was a three-minute clip
from a "Justice League" cartoon of Superman racing the Flash.
And I said, you know what, let's watch it.
Now, the important part of this story
is our kids do not have a lot of screen time.
I don't say that to be like,
we're better parents than anyone here.
I just mean that our kids will turn out better than yours.
So--
I got one boy on each knee.
And I got my phone out, and we're watching
Superman race the Flash.
And my wife walks in, and she says, what are you doing?
And I say, we're watching Superman race the Flash.
And she says, a cartoon?
And I couldn't help myself.
And I said, no, the real guys.
Isn't that crazy?
They got the real guys.
And they weren't even trying to get the real--
it was, like, a nature crew documentary in the desert.
And then they saw this, like, blue and red voom, voom.
And they were like, did we just--
I mean, she'd left the room.
She'd walked out being like, I can't believe my mom says
I got to be nice to this--
Here's another recent example.
We were going on vacation, and we were leaving New York City.
And we were going through security.
And the TSA agent found a tub of hummus
in my wife's carry-on.
And they took it out, and they said,
you can't bring hummus on the plane.
And my wife said, I've brought hummus on the plane before,
which was less convincing than she thought it would be.
Because their answer to that was
you can't bring hummus on the plane.
And my wife said, but it's not a liquid.
And they said, it's also not a solid.
And it turns out, in cases like this,
the tie goes to the TSA agent.
And look, I was on my wife's side.
I mean, everybody's bringing hummus on planes.
Why are they singling her out?
Every time you go on a plane these days,
you walk down the aisle, five, seven tubs of hummus.
But they took her hummus.
And then we were walking and she was upset.
And she said to me, can you believe that?
And I said, no,
but I didn't say which part I hadn't believed.
I'd been honest without being truthful.
And that would be the end of that story,
but we had to fly back to New York.
And on the way back, my wife stopped on the way
to the airport at a Whole Foods and bought a tub of hummus,
same size, if not even a little bit bigger.
And they found it again.
This time, they found it in the Whole Foods bag,
which is what you call asking for it.
And they pulled it out, and they said to my wife,
you can't bring hummus on the plane.
And she said, I've brought hummus on the plane before,
conveniently leaving out what had happened
the most recent before.
And still, they took her hummus.
And then we walked through.
And we were walking, and I could tell she was upset.
And I knew I shouldn't say anything.
I knew the right path forward was just to keep my mouth shut,
but I couldn't help myself.
And I turned to her with a big smile
and said, well, you'll get them next time.
She is here tonight, by the way.
She's not here.
Are you crazy?
She's here, and I'm gonna tell the hummus story
we haven't talked about since?
I'll tell you this.
I know my wife.
She's a substantial woman.
She's got grit.
She's got determination.
The next time we fly, she's getting hummus on a plane.
I believe in her.
I believe she's gonna get hummus on the plane.
She's gonna go to the airport.
She's gonna unzip her carry-on, and she's gonna take out a bag
of chickpeas and a muddler.
And she's gonna look that TSA agent in the eye
and be like, officer, I think everything
here is legal and above board.
And they're just gonna nod 'cause they know they've lost.
And then in deference to her victory,
all of the TSA in the airport
is gonna stand to make a gate for her to walk through.
They're gonna hold up their magnetic wands like swords.
And she's gonna walk through the airport
underneath the magnetic wands.
And passengers are gonna scream her name
and throw pita chips at her feet like rose petals.
And then she's gonna get on the plane,
and we're gonna sit down.
And she's gonna finish making her concoction,
and she's gonna say to the kids, who wants hummus?
And they're all gonna say, we hate hummus.
And I'm gonna whisper, don't care for.
So my kids have never watched my show,
but I recently brought my kids to the show
because we had our tenth anniversary show,
and we had President Joe Biden on the show.
Thank you. Very kind.
We had President Biden on the show.
And I thought, you know what?
When's the next time I'm gonna have my kids be in the position
to meet the president?
And, you know, I might not want them to meet the next one.
So I said, you know what, let's--
let's bring the kids in to meet the president.
And the best thing about watching my kids
meet the president is not how the president behaved,
but rather how each of my children
acted differently based on their personality.
First up was my oldest, and my oldest is just--
he's the sweetest boy in the world,
and he's just trying so hard.
Like a lot of oldest siblings, he just wants to be
the best kid he can be.
So anyway, he picked out his outfit,
and he wore his nicest clothes from his picture day.
And he just walked into the room,
and he was like, hello, Mr. President, my name is Ashe.
Nice to meet you.
And I was just so proud of him.
Like, my heart broke at how wonderfully he had performed.
Next up was my middle son.
He was born in the lobby of an apartment building
and behaves like it every day of his life.
I don't--can't quite explain what that is.
I just know that even if you didn't know who he was,
if you saw him across the room, you'd be like,
I think that one was born in a lobby.
He picked out his outfit as well.
He wore a train conductor's jacket and a pair of Ray-Bans.
And he literally danced into the room.
And when he danced into the room,
my oldest was so embarrassed.
He, like, cocked his fist back.
And then he remembered that earlier that morning,
I told him he had good handwriting,
and he was like--
So my middle dances in the room and just starts singing.
♪ Joe Biden, Joe Biden, Joe Biden ♪
And he gets right next to him,
and he screams in the president's face.
You're my "fave-whit" "pwesident!"
And Joe Biden was so taken aback
because I don't even think Joe Biden
is Joe Biden's favorite president.
He looked at me like, have you not told him about Obama?
Because he would--
if he likes me, he would love Obama.
And then the best, though, was my daughter,
Addie, two and a half.
And the president was incredible with her.
It was really something to see, his sweetness.
He sat on the couch so that he was at eye level with her.
And she walked over, and he reached into a bag.
And he pulled out a stuffed Commander, the White House dog.
And he didn't know this, but in January,
I had gone to the White House,
and I had left with three stuffed Commanders,
and I had given them to my children.
But he reached into the bag, and he held it out to Addie.
And he went like, [mumbles].
He said, I got this for you.
And she just looked at it, and then she looked at him
and said, I got that.
And he said, you have one of these?
And she goes, yeah, I got that at home.
And he's just holding it.
And he goes, you want another one?
And she goes, no.
And I've been so worried about that interaction all day
because my daughter is a huge Trump supporter,
and--and not on social issues.
It's all tax stuff with her.
She's NATO.
She feels like the NATO countries don't pay enough.
Don't get into it with her if you see her.
I have a weird thing happening,
which is I grew up in the suburbs.
All I ever wanted to do was live in New York City.
My kids live in New York City.
All they want to do is live in the suburbs.
Like, we visit my parents.
My parents live in the same house
I grew up in in a nondescript New Hampshire suburb.
And every time we leave, my kids are basically like,
when are you gonna make enough money to buy a house like this?
Because we live in New York, and nothing about New York
makes sense to kids.
There's none of the appeal of New York appeals to them.
They're never like, well, sure, Grandma and Grandpa
have a front and back yard, but we can walk to the theater!
I have one of those New York City apartments,
if you ever lived in New York, you'd be like,
this is a great apartment.
If you lived anywhere else in the world,
you'd be like, I guess so.
Here are some of the features about my very expensive
New York City apartment.
It's never fully dark.
It's never fully quiet.
We live near a university,
so every other night at 1:00 in the morning,
you hear someone yell something like,
Krista says she'll meet us there!
And whoever the Krista news is being yelled at
does not hear it the first time.
So they're like, Krista's not with us!
And so then the first person has to be like,
no, Krista says she'll meet us there!
And it takes everything in my power not to open up the window
and be like, you guys, Krista's dead!
Krista died.
It's, like, so sad, you guys, but she's dead.
Do we have heat in our apartment?
Yeah, we have exposed radiators.
And the best thing about them is
they're so hot that when you touch it,
you don't burn yourself.
You just die.
They're like lava that way,
I think.
I've been told our radiators are the feature
of a prewar building.
I'm not sure which war they were talking about.
They're not the only prewar feature
in our apartment building.
We also have a neighbor across the hall
who could definitely find Prussia on a map.
And much like Prussia after World War II,
she also doesn't have boundaries.
The other day, I was trying to get
my son out the door to school.
And I got him into the hallway,
and he was just having one of those rough mornings
that kids have.
And I got him in the hallway,
and then he sort of wrestled his way free of me,
and he ran into the apartment.
And then I chased him in with his shoes in my hand,
and I left the door open.
And I finally managed to get him in a chair.
And I'm trying to get his shoes on.
And I'm upset, and he's crying.
And we're just having a really bad morning.
And then, all of a sudden, we hear--
♪ Hush, little baby ♪
♪ Don't say a word ♪
And we turn around, and our neighbor has just
wandered through the open door into our apartment,
wearing a nightgown the color of which I would describe
as Victorian apparition.
Ghost of girl who drowned in town well.
And I love that she was in her apartment,
and she heard a kid crying, and she goes,
I know what calms kids down,
the haunted nursery rhymes they sing in horror movie trailers.
But there is a very happy ending to that story,
and it's what I'm gonna leave you with,
because in that moment when our neighbor walked in,
my son and I locked eyes.
And I realized he was thinking the exact same thing
that I was thinking.
Because he looked at her, and then he looked at me,
and he said, fuck this.
And I said, you just paid for college, buddy!
Thank you so much, Chicago!
Have a great night!
[upbeat music]
♪ ♪
- ♪ I met Vanessa out in front of her building ♪
♪ She was vague and dazed and drowning ♪
♪ She says she's got a new man ♪
♪ And he's in a new band ♪
♪ And they got a new sound ♪
♪ I said, hardcore is in the eye of the beholder ♪
♪ I got a broken heart from 1989 ♪
♪ I was holding my head in my hands from the heat ♪
[bright tone]