1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000
Downloaded from
YTS.MX

2
00:00:06,256 --> 00:00:08,675
How we doing, Chicago?

3
00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000
Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

4
00:00:10,802 --> 00:00:12,762
How we doing, Vic Theatre?

5
00:00:12,804 --> 00:00:16,224
It's so wonderful
to be with you tonight.

6
00:00:16,266 --> 00:00:18,935
It's so wonderful
to be with you.

7
00:00:19,019 --> 00:00:21,479
Guys, I'm gonna
get right into it.

8
00:00:23,565 --> 00:00:26,443
I'm having a crisis
of confidence.

9
00:00:26,484 --> 00:00:28,111
I'm having a crisis
of confidence

10
00:00:28,153 --> 00:00:30,905
because my six-year-old
has recently started

11
00:00:30,989 --> 00:00:33,283
saying something that's
funnier than any joke

12
00:00:33,324 --> 00:00:36,244
I've written in the past year.

13
00:00:36,286 --> 00:00:38,121
When my six-year-old
has to pee, he comes over

14
00:00:38,204 --> 00:00:39,539
and says, I have to pee.

15
00:00:39,622 --> 00:00:41,374
When my six-year-old has
to poop, he comes over,

16
00:00:41,458 --> 00:00:43,752
and he whispers in my ear,

17
00:00:43,835 --> 00:00:46,379
I have a secret that's brown.

18
00:00:51,593 --> 00:00:54,095
It's perfect, no notes.

19
00:00:54,137 --> 00:00:57,515
Because what else
could it possibly be?

20
00:00:57,599 --> 00:00:59,559
I have a secret that's brown.

21
00:00:59,642 --> 00:01:00,977
Let me guess, you got to poop?

22
00:01:01,061 --> 00:01:04,522
No, Mom's having an affair
with the UPS guy.

23
00:01:07,192 --> 00:01:09,152
And look, it's great
anytime you're a parent

24
00:01:09,235 --> 00:01:10,987
and your kid says
something funny.

25
00:01:11,029 --> 00:01:12,447
It's so much better
if you're a comedian

26
00:01:12,489 --> 00:01:14,074
because the minute he said it,

27
00:01:14,157 --> 00:01:16,326
I couldn't wait
to get out on stage

28
00:01:16,409 --> 00:01:18,828
and tell it to you.

29
00:01:18,912 --> 00:01:20,538
Because that's the thing,
the most important thing to me

30
00:01:20,622 --> 00:01:21,831
is that my kids are happy,

31
00:01:21,873 --> 00:01:23,708
but I also love
when they're material.

32
00:01:23,792 --> 00:01:26,878
To put it in a simpler way,
I want them to be content,

33
00:01:26,961 --> 00:01:30,757
but I also want them
to be content.

34
00:01:30,840 --> 00:01:33,426
I did a special called
"Lobby Baby"

35
00:01:33,510 --> 00:01:34,427
because my second--

36
00:01:34,511 --> 00:01:35,470
Thank you.

37
00:01:37,514 --> 00:01:40,850
My second was born in the lobby
of our apartment building.

38
00:01:40,934 --> 00:01:42,352
It was an incredible story.

39
00:01:42,394 --> 00:01:45,855
But even more than that,
do you know what sound it makes

40
00:01:45,897 --> 00:01:48,483
when you're a comedian and your
child is born in the lobby

41
00:01:48,525 --> 00:01:49,734
of an apartment building?

42
00:01:49,818 --> 00:01:53,738
Cha-fucking-ching.

43
00:01:53,822 --> 00:01:55,532
Like, as far as I'm concerned,

44
00:01:55,615 --> 00:01:58,660
"Lobby Baby" has paid
for college.

45
00:01:58,743 --> 00:02:00,745
Secret that's brown,
on his way.

46
00:02:00,829 --> 00:02:02,330
That's not enough
for a four-year

47
00:02:02,372 --> 00:02:03,790
accredited university,

48
00:02:03,873 --> 00:02:07,252
but it's a couple of semesters
at DeVry.

49
00:02:09,587 --> 00:02:12,674
I am gonna talk a fair amount
about having kids tonight,

50
00:02:12,716 --> 00:02:16,052
and I appreciate that not
everyone here is a parent.

51
00:02:16,136 --> 00:02:19,389
We do have a pretty cool
consolation prize for you,

52
00:02:19,431 --> 00:02:21,725
which is this--
at the end of the night,

53
00:02:21,808 --> 00:02:23,226
you all get to go back
to a home

54
00:02:23,268 --> 00:02:24,561
where no fucking kids live.

55
00:02:24,602 --> 00:02:25,729
So that--

56
00:02:27,939 --> 00:02:30,066
That's pretty great.

57
00:02:30,108 --> 00:02:33,403
You can go binge a show,
whatever that means.

58
00:02:33,486 --> 00:02:34,904
Bingeing a show?

59
00:02:34,946 --> 00:02:36,740
My wife and I are so tired,

60
00:02:36,823 --> 00:02:38,408
not only do we not binge shows,

61
00:02:38,450 --> 00:02:40,410
I would describe
the way we watch television

62
00:02:40,452 --> 00:02:42,996
as microdosing.

63
00:02:43,079 --> 00:02:45,749
We watch 10 minutes
of an episode at a time.

64
00:02:45,790 --> 00:02:48,084
My wife falls asleep
after the first five minutes,

65
00:02:48,126 --> 00:02:49,753
but I'm not allowed
to turn it off

66
00:02:49,836 --> 00:02:52,255
because the sudden drop
in volume will wake her up.

67
00:02:52,339 --> 00:02:55,717
So I just have to slowly
bring down the volume,

68
00:02:55,800 --> 00:02:58,094
continuing to watch
while the characters

69
00:02:58,136 --> 00:02:59,763
just get quieter and quieter,

70
00:02:59,804 --> 00:03:01,765
which I think is what it's like
to watch TV

71
00:03:01,848 --> 00:03:02,932
when you're having a stroke.

72
00:03:02,974 --> 00:03:05,769
And then, the next night,
I have to go back

73
00:03:05,852 --> 00:03:07,520
and watch
those five minutes again.

74
00:03:07,604 --> 00:03:08,688
I start with that.

75
00:03:08,772 --> 00:03:10,106
Basically, what I'm saying
is for us to finish

76
00:03:10,190 --> 00:03:11,107
an episode of television,

77
00:03:11,191 --> 00:03:13,318
it takes like
three and a half months.

78
00:03:15,528 --> 00:03:16,696
I'm gonna talk about my kids.

79
00:03:16,780 --> 00:03:18,448
So I should tell you
their names.

80
00:03:18,490 --> 00:03:21,159
My kids are named
Ashe, Axel, and Addie.

81
00:03:21,242 --> 00:03:23,244
And independently,
those are all great names.

82
00:03:23,286 --> 00:03:24,913
Together, it is a disaster.

83
00:03:24,996 --> 00:03:28,124
It's such a weird, mean thing
to do to grandparents

84
00:03:28,208 --> 00:03:29,793
to bring over three kids
and be like,

85
00:03:29,876 --> 00:03:31,419
here are your grandkids,
ah, ah, ah.

86
00:03:31,503 --> 00:03:33,338
They're just--

87
00:03:36,174 --> 00:03:39,052
Old people need words
that sound massively different

88
00:03:39,135 --> 00:03:40,261
in their pronunciation.

89
00:03:40,303 --> 00:03:42,764
It's why Lipitor doesn't rhyme
with arsenic.

90
00:03:42,847 --> 00:03:46,726
You need a safety buffer.

91
00:03:48,812 --> 00:03:51,147
I'm not gonna tell you
whose idea it was

92
00:03:51,189 --> 00:03:53,983
to give all three of our kids
A names.

93
00:03:54,025 --> 00:03:55,819
I will only tell you
that my name is Seth,

94
00:03:55,860 --> 00:03:57,987
and my wife's name is Alexi.

95
00:04:03,410 --> 00:04:04,953
A lot of times, people say,
oh, Alexi.

96
00:04:04,994 --> 00:04:07,997
You must get her name mixed
up with the kids' names as well

97
00:04:08,081 --> 00:04:09,833
because it's also an A name.
And I don't.

98
00:04:09,874 --> 00:04:13,294
I would say the hardest thing
about having a wife named Alexi

99
00:04:13,378 --> 00:04:17,465
is how often our Alexa
thinks I'm talking to it.

100
00:04:17,549 --> 00:04:18,967
And making matters worse,

101
00:04:19,050 --> 00:04:21,344
I only use my wife's first name
when we're fighting

102
00:04:21,386 --> 00:04:22,679
and I'm being
passive aggressive,

103
00:04:22,762 --> 00:04:25,223
which means our Alexa
often says things like,

104
00:04:25,306 --> 00:04:27,183
I'm sorry, I don't know
what you mean by,

105
00:04:27,267 --> 00:04:29,978
we all can't be
as perfect as you.

106
00:04:36,067 --> 00:04:37,819
I'm raising kids
in New York City.

107
00:04:37,861 --> 00:04:39,654
I love raising kids
in New York City.

108
00:04:39,696 --> 00:04:41,990
One thing, of course, though,
when you're raising kids

109
00:04:42,073 --> 00:04:43,199
in New York City or any city

110
00:04:43,283 --> 00:04:46,202
is you have to be cognizant
of safety all the time.

111
00:04:46,286 --> 00:04:48,788
I walk my boys
to school every day,

112
00:04:48,872 --> 00:04:50,331
and from a very young age,

113
00:04:50,373 --> 00:04:52,208
we came up with something
when we cross the street,

114
00:04:52,250 --> 00:04:53,543
which is we'd walk up
to the curb,

115
00:04:53,626 --> 00:04:54,836
and we would look
at the cross light.

116
00:04:54,919 --> 00:04:57,255
And if it was a red hand,
all three of us

117
00:04:57,339 --> 00:04:59,841
would say, red hand,
and we'd stop.

118
00:04:59,924 --> 00:05:01,426
And if it was a green man,

119
00:05:01,509 --> 00:05:03,386
all three of us would say,
green man.

120
00:05:03,470 --> 00:05:05,013
And then we'd cross the street.

121
00:05:05,096 --> 00:05:07,557
And I enjoyed it, and the boys
were tickled by it.

122
00:05:07,640 --> 00:05:10,727
And passers by seemed delighted
by the whole show.

123
00:05:10,769 --> 00:05:12,062
And so it was just great.

124
00:05:12,145 --> 00:05:13,813
And then the other day,
my wife was with us,

125
00:05:13,897 --> 00:05:15,732
and she looked up at
the cross light, and she said,

126
00:05:15,774 --> 00:05:18,777
you know, it's actually
more white than green.

127
00:05:22,739 --> 00:05:25,742
And I said, yeah.

128
00:05:25,784 --> 00:05:28,370
I don't know how good
I'd feel about me and the boys

129
00:05:28,453 --> 00:05:32,290
all announcing white man

130
00:05:32,374 --> 00:05:35,585
before we cross the street.

131
00:05:38,546 --> 00:05:41,925
Making matters worse, my boys
walk and talk like this.

132
00:05:41,966 --> 00:05:43,885
White man!

133
00:05:46,262 --> 00:05:49,557
Make way for white man!

134
00:05:54,479 --> 00:05:58,316
Motorists and cyclists
take heed!

135
00:06:00,902 --> 00:06:05,949
For there is white man
in the thoroughfare!

136
00:06:05,990 --> 00:06:08,451
Safe passage is our birthright.

137
00:06:14,791 --> 00:06:17,127
I would describe being a parent
as just constantly

138
00:06:17,210 --> 00:06:19,796
suppressing your true self.

139
00:06:19,879 --> 00:06:21,423
Here's a good example.

140
00:06:21,464 --> 00:06:24,092
When you're a parent,
you have to watch your language

141
00:06:24,175 --> 00:06:26,344
all the time.
And I do.

142
00:06:26,428 --> 00:06:28,972
I try very hard to watch my
language in front of my kids.

143
00:06:29,014 --> 00:06:30,765
However, with that said,

144
00:06:30,807 --> 00:06:33,101
I sometimes feel
I don't get enough credit

145
00:06:33,184 --> 00:06:36,104
for the first word
I wanted to say.

146
00:06:36,146 --> 00:06:37,647
Like, for example,
the other day,

147
00:06:37,689 --> 00:06:38,690
I was in the kitchen.

148
00:06:38,773 --> 00:06:40,191
All the kids
were within earshot,

149
00:06:40,275 --> 00:06:42,110
and I put my hand on the stove,
and I burned it,

150
00:06:42,152 --> 00:06:43,486
and I went, goddamn it.

151
00:06:43,570 --> 00:06:45,113
And my wife looked at me
as if to say,

152
00:06:45,155 --> 00:06:46,322
you need to do a better job.

153
00:06:46,364 --> 00:06:47,824
And I agree with that.

154
00:06:47,907 --> 00:06:49,993
But at the same time, I wanted
to gather the entire family

155
00:06:50,035 --> 00:06:53,413
around and say, you guys know
the word Daddy wanted to say

156
00:06:53,496 --> 00:06:55,373
was motherfucker, right?

157
00:07:01,004 --> 00:07:03,173
And when you have motherfucker
locked and loaded,

158
00:07:03,214 --> 00:07:05,842
you can't downshift
all the way to rats.

159
00:07:05,925 --> 00:07:08,636
You just can't do it.

160
00:07:11,056 --> 00:07:14,934
At my age, I'd throw
my back out if I did that.

161
00:07:15,018 --> 00:07:17,187
If you ever see Daddy
wearing a neck brace,

162
00:07:17,228 --> 00:07:19,189
know he wanted to scream,
son of a bitch,

163
00:07:19,272 --> 00:07:22,150
and instead said,
sassafras!

164
00:07:25,779 --> 00:07:29,908
You never want to say a bad
word in front of your children

165
00:07:29,991 --> 00:07:32,035
because then your spouse
will blame you for it

166
00:07:32,118 --> 00:07:34,704
every time they say it
for the rest of their life.

167
00:07:34,746 --> 00:07:36,539
The nice thing, though,
is you can tell

168
00:07:36,581 --> 00:07:38,333
based on how a kid says a word

169
00:07:38,416 --> 00:07:40,752
where they learned the word.

170
00:07:40,835 --> 00:07:43,004
Like, for example,
you can tell when your kids

171
00:07:43,046 --> 00:07:44,798
learned a bad word at school.

172
00:07:44,881 --> 00:07:46,549
Like, the other day,
one of our kids came home,

173
00:07:46,591 --> 00:07:48,718
and he just danced
through the living room going,

174
00:07:48,760 --> 00:07:50,470
shit, shit,
shit, shit, shit,

175
00:07:50,553 --> 00:07:52,222
shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.

176
00:07:52,263 --> 00:07:54,307
And my wife looked at me
like it was my fault.

177
00:07:54,391 --> 00:07:58,353
And I'm like,
he didn't get that from me.

178
00:07:58,395 --> 00:08:00,730
I've never stubbed my toe
and then done, like,

179
00:08:00,772 --> 00:08:03,441
a kick ball chain
across the room.

180
00:08:06,319 --> 00:08:07,904
Just as easily, however,

181
00:08:07,987 --> 00:08:10,615
you can tell
when they learned it from you.

182
00:08:10,699 --> 00:08:12,742
The other day,
my son was building a LEGO set,

183
00:08:12,826 --> 00:08:14,035
and it was at the
dining room table,

184
00:08:14,077 --> 00:08:15,578
and the whole thing collapsed.

185
00:08:15,620 --> 00:08:17,539
And when it collapsed,
he went like this,

186
00:08:17,622 --> 00:08:19,874
ugh,

187
00:08:19,958 --> 00:08:23,086
fuck this.

188
00:08:23,169 --> 00:08:24,504
I was like, that's me.

189
00:08:24,587 --> 00:08:26,047
That was from me.

190
00:08:27,966 --> 00:08:31,094
That looked exactly like me.

191
00:08:31,177 --> 00:08:34,222
That was like
looking into a mirror.

192
00:08:35,807 --> 00:08:39,102
It's not just profanity
that is ugly

193
00:08:39,185 --> 00:08:41,271
coming out
of the mouths of children.

194
00:08:41,354 --> 00:08:42,772
There are certain words
that we're always

195
00:08:42,856 --> 00:08:44,566
telling our kids not to say.

196
00:08:44,607 --> 00:08:48,653
"Disgusting" is a word we're
always begging them not to say.

197
00:08:48,737 --> 00:08:49,779
Stupid.

198
00:08:49,863 --> 00:08:51,281
We're always telling them,
don't say stupid.

199
00:08:51,364 --> 00:08:52,574
The biggest one is hate.

200
00:08:52,615 --> 00:08:54,784
Kids will say all day long
that they hate things,

201
00:08:54,868 --> 00:08:56,286
and we're just like,
don't say hate.

202
00:08:56,369 --> 00:08:58,788
Say you don't like,
say you don't care for.

203
00:08:58,872 --> 00:09:00,582
And we really try to drill that
through their heads.

204
00:09:00,623 --> 00:09:02,709
And then the other day, one of
my boys ran into our bedroom,

205
00:09:02,792 --> 00:09:05,295
and he was like, hey, Dad,
you know who I hate?

206
00:09:05,378 --> 00:09:07,756
And I said,
buddy, we don't say hate.

207
00:09:07,839 --> 00:09:09,049
We say we don't like.

208
00:09:09,132 --> 00:09:10,383
We say we don't care for.

209
00:09:10,467 --> 00:09:11,801
And then I could tell
he was upset.

210
00:09:11,843 --> 00:09:13,219
So I said,
who were you gonna say?

211
00:09:13,303 --> 00:09:15,555
And he said,
I was gonna say the guy

212
00:09:15,638 --> 00:09:19,184
who killed Martin Luther King.

213
00:09:26,483 --> 00:09:28,068
And then I immediately was like
oh, no,

214
00:09:28,151 --> 00:09:30,779
please definitely say hate
for that.

215
00:09:30,820 --> 00:09:33,323
The last thing I want is my kid
walking around town being like,

216
00:09:33,406 --> 00:09:35,825
you know who I never cared for?

217
00:09:37,786 --> 00:09:38,828
James Earl Ray.

218
00:09:38,870 --> 00:09:41,331
The man was not my cup of tea.

219
00:09:41,373 --> 00:09:44,334
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I see my light has changed.

220
00:09:44,417 --> 00:09:46,836
White man!

221
00:09:53,343 --> 00:09:56,179
I could never hate my kids.

222
00:09:56,262 --> 00:09:58,056
I could never hate my kids,
you guys.

223
00:09:58,139 --> 00:10:01,017
I could never hate my kids.

224
00:10:01,101 --> 00:10:04,688
With that said,
I do think it's healthy--

225
00:10:04,729 --> 00:10:06,815
I do think it's healthy
to keep a mental list

226
00:10:06,898 --> 00:10:08,692
of the three things
they're currently doing

227
00:10:08,733 --> 00:10:10,527
that I hate the most.

228
00:10:10,610 --> 00:10:14,072
I hate how they roll dice.

229
00:10:16,866 --> 00:10:21,454
They can't keep two dice on
the table to save their lives.

230
00:10:21,538 --> 00:10:24,124
And the minute they start
their roll, you know.

231
00:10:24,207 --> 00:10:26,751
You're like,
you're coming in too hot.

232
00:10:30,922 --> 00:10:32,507
They'll say,
how does Monopoly work?

233
00:10:32,549 --> 00:10:33,508
I'm like, here's how it works.

234
00:10:33,550 --> 00:10:36,761
Keep both dice on the table,
you win.

235
00:10:36,845 --> 00:10:39,889
Try to remember
we're in a breakfast nook,

236
00:10:39,931 --> 00:10:43,518
not the craps table
at the Bellagio.

237
00:10:46,438 --> 00:10:49,274
Here's my impression
of me playing board games

238
00:10:49,357 --> 00:10:50,900
with my kids.

239
00:11:04,330 --> 00:11:06,666
And then sometimes
after I get the die,

240
00:11:06,750 --> 00:11:09,210
I'll just stay there
for a minute.

241
00:11:11,087 --> 00:11:14,215
You know, because they
don't know that I have it.

242
00:11:14,299 --> 00:11:17,552
And it's just kind of peaceful
to be under the couch.

243
00:11:20,096 --> 00:11:23,391
I'll kick my legs a little bit
so they

244
00:11:23,475 --> 00:11:25,685
know I'm alive.

245
00:11:27,270 --> 00:11:29,230
I'll just rest there.

246
00:11:31,149 --> 00:11:33,818
Make eye contact
with the spider.

247
00:11:35,528 --> 00:11:38,156
Hello, friend.

248
00:11:38,239 --> 00:11:40,658
Do you have children?

249
00:11:46,122 --> 00:11:49,334
I hate the way they roll dice.

250
00:11:49,417 --> 00:11:53,338
I hate when they wake up
in the middle of the night.

251
00:11:53,421 --> 00:11:56,007
My kids are at the age now
where they're having nightmares

252
00:11:56,091 --> 00:11:58,635
and when they have nightmares,
they will come to our room.

253
00:11:58,718 --> 00:12:00,679
And when they come to our room,
my wife and I know

254
00:12:00,762 --> 00:12:03,640
that one of us is gonna
have to be up for the next hour

255
00:12:03,723 --> 00:12:06,142
trying to coax them
back to sleep.

256
00:12:06,226 --> 00:12:07,686
And it's gotten to the point--

257
00:12:07,769 --> 00:12:09,562
this is so traumatic for me

258
00:12:09,646 --> 00:12:11,606
that it's gotten to the point
that when I hear the doorknob

259
00:12:11,648 --> 00:12:13,650
rattle,
I actually think to myself,

260
00:12:13,733 --> 00:12:17,821
maybe I'll get lucky
and it's just an intruder.

261
00:12:21,491 --> 00:12:23,076
Maybe it's just an intruder

262
00:12:23,159 --> 00:12:26,663
who will politely
steal my valuables.

263
00:12:26,705 --> 00:12:28,915
And then I won't
have to scratch his back

264
00:12:28,998 --> 00:12:30,625
for the next hour.

265
00:12:33,336 --> 00:12:35,422
Made a terrible decision
last summer.

266
00:12:35,505 --> 00:12:36,965
Last summer,
my son had a nightmare,

267
00:12:37,048 --> 00:12:38,466
and he couldn't
get back to sleep.

268
00:12:38,508 --> 00:12:39,843
And I said, how about
I scratch your back, buddy?

269
00:12:39,926 --> 00:12:41,344
Maybe that'll help.

270
00:12:41,386 --> 00:12:43,513
And now--you guys, now I think
he likes the back scratches

271
00:12:43,555 --> 00:12:46,349
so much that he's making up
the nightmares.

272
00:12:46,391 --> 00:12:47,642
'Cause he's coming
into my room,

273
00:12:47,726 --> 00:12:49,227
and he does not have the energy

274
00:12:49,310 --> 00:12:51,021
of a kid
who has actually been spooked.

275
00:12:51,062 --> 00:12:54,315
He's like, bad news!

276
00:13:02,449 --> 00:13:05,243
Skeleton man came back!

277
00:13:05,326 --> 00:13:06,536
Good news,

278
00:13:06,619 --> 00:13:09,539
I've already pulled
my shirt up.

279
00:13:13,084 --> 00:13:15,337
I do have a good parenting hack

280
00:13:15,378 --> 00:13:16,880
if you have a kid
who's always asking

281
00:13:16,963 --> 00:13:18,131
to get their back scratched.

282
00:13:18,214 --> 00:13:20,216
What you do is you take
a little piece of masking tape,

283
00:13:20,300 --> 00:13:23,762
and you just slap it
over their mouths.

284
00:13:29,601 --> 00:13:31,311
I hate how they roll dice.

285
00:13:33,104 --> 00:13:36,691
I hate when they wake me up
in the middle of the night.

286
00:13:36,733 --> 00:13:38,818
I'm gonna take a knee
for the third one.

287
00:13:42,822 --> 00:13:46,117
I hate how much
they talk about lava.

288
00:13:51,790 --> 00:13:54,417
They talk about lava
all the time.

289
00:13:54,459 --> 00:13:55,919
I blame the schools.

290
00:13:55,960 --> 00:13:57,629
I get it, you're trying to
teach science to young kids.

291
00:13:57,712 --> 00:13:59,089
You're gonna talk
about volcanoes.

292
00:13:59,172 --> 00:14:00,423
You're gonna talk about lavas.

293
00:14:00,465 --> 00:14:01,424
But then they come home,

294
00:14:01,466 --> 00:14:02,467
and they have
all these lava questions.

295
00:14:02,550 --> 00:14:05,053
And, you guys, I don't know
anything about lava.

296
00:14:05,136 --> 00:14:07,305
The only thing I know
about lava

297
00:14:07,389 --> 00:14:08,723
is if they see it up close,

298
00:14:08,765 --> 00:14:12,268
I've done a bad job
as a father.

299
00:14:12,352 --> 00:14:13,561
I can't tell you how many times

300
00:14:13,603 --> 00:14:16,064
I've been trying
to parallel park the car

301
00:14:16,147 --> 00:14:18,108
into a tiny spot,
and as I'm looking back,

302
00:14:18,149 --> 00:14:21,069
I just see two dumb faces
looking at me.

303
00:14:21,152 --> 00:14:24,572
And they're like,
if you touch lava, do you die?

304
00:14:36,334 --> 00:14:37,460
I could never hate my kids.

305
00:14:37,502 --> 00:14:39,629
I could never hurt my kids.

306
00:14:39,671 --> 00:14:41,631
I could never hurt my kids.

307
00:14:41,715 --> 00:14:44,175
You guys,
I could never hurt my kids.

308
00:14:45,885 --> 00:14:47,512
I will admit,
every now and then,

309
00:14:47,595 --> 00:14:51,725
I do pull off one of their
sweaters as fast as I can.

310
00:14:56,187 --> 00:14:58,273
If it's the end of a long day
and they won't even

311
00:14:58,356 --> 00:15:00,984
do me the courtesy of
helping me get them undressed,

312
00:15:01,067 --> 00:15:03,778
I will take every top layer
they're wearing

313
00:15:03,820 --> 00:15:06,865
and yank it upwards because--

314
00:15:06,948 --> 00:15:08,825
and it brings me great shame
to say it--

315
00:15:08,908 --> 00:15:10,660
this moment gives me joy.

316
00:15:10,744 --> 00:15:12,787
When it catches.

317
00:15:14,122 --> 00:15:16,207
When it catches like this.

318
00:15:18,918 --> 00:15:21,087
When I "Clockwork Orange"
my children

319
00:15:21,171 --> 00:15:23,798
into seeing
what they've done to me.

320
00:15:25,550 --> 00:15:28,011
It's not permanent.

321
00:15:28,053 --> 00:15:31,014
It always goes
right back down, you know?

322
00:15:31,056 --> 00:15:34,100
I will say, your perspective
on almost everything changes

323
00:15:34,184 --> 00:15:35,352
once you have kids.

324
00:15:35,435 --> 00:15:37,354
And again, mine are eight,
six, and two.

325
00:15:37,395 --> 00:15:40,523
And I will say, something
that has become very haunting

326
00:15:40,607 --> 00:15:43,693
to receive in the mail for us
is a wedding invitation

327
00:15:43,777 --> 00:15:45,653
because one of two things
can happen

328
00:15:45,695 --> 00:15:47,489
when we receive
a wedding invitation.

329
00:15:47,572 --> 00:15:50,241
The first thing is that
the wedding invitation says,

330
00:15:50,325 --> 00:15:52,577
"We're encouraging people
not to bring their children,"

331
00:15:52,660 --> 00:15:54,746
and that means
we have to find child care

332
00:15:54,829 --> 00:15:57,082
for an evening
or sometimes a whole weekend.

333
00:15:57,165 --> 00:15:58,208
And that's bad.

334
00:15:58,291 --> 00:16:00,043
But what is worse
is when they say,

335
00:16:00,126 --> 00:16:04,214
"We're inviting
your whole family

336
00:16:04,255 --> 00:16:05,882
to witness our special day."

337
00:16:05,965 --> 00:16:09,260
And that is only something
that a dumb, unmarried couple

338
00:16:09,344 --> 00:16:11,554
would think is a good idea.

339
00:16:11,596 --> 00:16:13,556
A dumb, unmarried,
childless couple

340
00:16:13,640 --> 00:16:15,725
would think it's a good idea
to have kids witness

341
00:16:15,767 --> 00:16:17,227
your special day
'cause they don't know yet

342
00:16:17,310 --> 00:16:20,855
that kids will ruin any day,
special or otherwise.

343
00:16:20,897 --> 00:16:22,899
And when I have three
young kids at a wedding,

344
00:16:22,941 --> 00:16:24,734
I'm just dreading the moment

345
00:16:24,776 --> 00:16:26,903
that I'm gonna have to go out
on the dance floor,

346
00:16:26,945 --> 00:16:28,571
interrupt
the father-daughter dance,

347
00:16:28,613 --> 00:16:30,198
and be like, hi,
I'm so sorry to interrupt.

348
00:16:30,240 --> 00:16:31,324
Congratulations, sir.

349
00:16:31,408 --> 00:16:32,367
She makes a beautiful bride.

350
00:16:32,450 --> 00:16:33,368
Hey, our kids ate your cake.

351
00:16:33,451 --> 00:16:34,369
They ate the whole cake.

352
00:16:34,452 --> 00:16:35,829
I don't know what to say.

353
00:16:35,912 --> 00:16:37,205
The cake is gone,
and I can tell

354
00:16:37,247 --> 00:16:38,415
it's a really expensive cake.

355
00:16:38,498 --> 00:16:39,416
But it's kind of your fault

356
00:16:39,499 --> 00:16:40,667
because we never
should have been here.

357
00:16:40,750 --> 00:16:42,252
And anyway, if you're thinking
I'm not gonna be punished,

358
00:16:42,293 --> 00:16:44,254
I'm gonna be punished 'cause
my kids ate a whole giant cake.

359
00:16:44,295 --> 00:16:45,714
So that means they're
gonna be up all night,

360
00:16:45,755 --> 00:16:46,715
and they're gonna be
shitting all morning.

361
00:16:46,798 --> 00:16:47,924
The kids ate the cake.

362
00:16:47,966 --> 00:16:50,635
Thank you, by the way, for
making them wear tiny tuxedos.

363
00:16:50,719 --> 00:16:52,095
You don't know this yet
about kids,

364
00:16:52,137 --> 00:16:53,430
but their favorite thing
in the world to do

365
00:16:53,471 --> 00:16:55,598
is go to a formal wear place
while a guy tells them to stand

366
00:16:55,682 --> 00:16:56,933
still with pins in his mouth.

367
00:16:56,975 --> 00:16:58,476
Thank you for that.

368
00:16:58,560 --> 00:17:00,103
Thank you for the tiny tuxedos.

369
00:17:00,145 --> 00:17:01,813
We should have bought one
'cause I can't imagine

370
00:17:01,896 --> 00:17:03,064
it would have been
less expensive

371
00:17:03,106 --> 00:17:06,109
than how fucking expensive
it was to rent.

372
00:17:06,192 --> 00:17:07,569
Anyways, my wife's in the car.

373
00:17:07,652 --> 00:17:08,611
She wanted me to say goodbye.

374
00:17:08,695 --> 00:17:10,071
She's passive aggressively
looking at her phone,

375
00:17:10,155 --> 00:17:11,573
'cause I guess right before
she went to the bathroom,

376
00:17:11,614 --> 00:17:12,949
she said, don't let
the kids eat the cake.

377
00:17:13,033 --> 00:17:13,992
And that's exactly
what had happened.

378
00:17:14,075 --> 00:17:16,411
So now she might never
talk to me again.

379
00:17:16,494 --> 00:17:18,163
But I want you to know I hope
you stay married forever.

380
00:17:18,246 --> 00:17:19,956
And if you don't stay married
forever and get divorced,

381
00:17:19,998 --> 00:17:21,124
I'm gonna come
and take a dump on your lawn.

382
00:17:21,207 --> 00:17:24,210
Thank you. Good night.
Beautiful bride.

383
00:17:31,634 --> 00:17:34,387
Can we admit now that having
to show a vaccine card

384
00:17:34,471 --> 00:17:37,974
to get into a restaurant
during COVID was not, in fact,

385
00:17:38,016 --> 00:17:41,936
like living in Germany
during World War II?

386
00:17:42,020 --> 00:17:43,104
Can we admit that now?

387
00:17:43,146 --> 00:17:45,440
Because, you guys,

388
00:17:45,482 --> 00:17:49,110
every single time
I had to show my vaccine card

389
00:17:49,152 --> 00:17:50,153
to get into a restaurant,

390
00:17:50,236 --> 00:17:52,322
the host or the hostess
was so apologetic.

391
00:17:52,405 --> 00:17:53,490
They're like, we're so sorry.

392
00:17:53,531 --> 00:17:55,617
Can we just take a quick look
at your vaccine card?

393
00:17:55,658 --> 00:17:57,494
Or if you have a picture
of your vaccine card

394
00:17:57,577 --> 00:17:58,661
on your phone,
or if you want

395
00:17:58,703 --> 00:17:59,996
to take a picture
of my vaccine card

396
00:18:00,038 --> 00:18:01,373
and just show it back to me.

397
00:18:01,456 --> 00:18:02,624
Or if you can just prove to me

398
00:18:02,707 --> 00:18:03,833
that your phone
can take pictures,

399
00:18:03,917 --> 00:18:06,961
that's more than enough for us
to get you to your table.

400
00:18:07,003 --> 00:18:09,172
And I've seen a lot of movies
about Germany

401
00:18:09,214 --> 00:18:10,215
during World War II,

402
00:18:10,298 --> 00:18:11,716
and I don't remember
a single scene

403
00:18:11,800 --> 00:18:14,719
where the Gestapo
behaved that way.

404
00:18:14,803 --> 00:18:16,680
I don't remember a single scene
where the Gestapo kicked in

405
00:18:16,721 --> 00:18:17,722
the door and was like...

406
00:18:17,806 --> 00:18:20,517
We demand to see your papers.

407
00:18:20,600 --> 00:18:22,560
And we are so sorry.

408
00:18:24,187 --> 00:18:26,523
That we are still doing this
whole "see your papers" things.

409
00:18:26,564 --> 00:18:29,984
This is so irritating
to us, too.

410
00:18:33,196 --> 00:18:36,908
This is, like, for real,
our least favorite part...

411
00:18:39,744 --> 00:18:43,289
About being in ze Gestapo.

412
00:18:43,373 --> 00:18:46,876
It's just our boss
is such...

413
00:18:46,960 --> 00:18:49,129
a Nazi.

414
00:18:52,215 --> 00:18:56,594
That is a very
offensive German accent.

415
00:18:56,678 --> 00:19:00,056
That is a cartoonishly bad
German accent.

416
00:19:00,140 --> 00:19:01,766
And recently, I did a show,

417
00:19:01,850 --> 00:19:03,393
and there was
a German audience member.

418
00:19:03,476 --> 00:19:05,061
And afterwards, they came
up to me, and they said,

419
00:19:05,145 --> 00:19:07,230
do you often
do a German accent on stage?

420
00:19:07,313 --> 00:19:10,275
And I said, yes, I enjoy doing
a German accent on stage.

421
00:19:10,358 --> 00:19:11,735
And they said,
how would you feel

422
00:19:11,776 --> 00:19:13,778
if you saw a German comedian

423
00:19:13,862 --> 00:19:15,780
doing an American accent
on stage?

424
00:19:15,864 --> 00:19:19,909
And I said, I'm never gonna
see a German comedian.

425
00:19:26,124 --> 00:19:28,335
Like, what is the series
of events that would have

426
00:19:28,418 --> 00:19:31,254
to go wrong in my life

427
00:19:31,338 --> 00:19:32,922
for me to, like,
walk into a club

428
00:19:32,964 --> 00:19:36,926
as someone on stage is like,
make some noise for Klaus?

429
00:19:36,968 --> 00:19:39,095
And then I'm like,
I'll stick around for this.

430
00:19:39,179 --> 00:19:40,930
And then I'm sitting in my
seat, and all of a sudden,

431
00:19:41,014 --> 00:19:42,432
he's like,
and then Americans are like,

432
00:19:42,515 --> 00:19:45,935
I would like 20
Chicken McNuggets.

433
00:19:45,977 --> 00:19:49,314
And I'm like,
we don't sound like that.

434
00:19:53,026 --> 00:19:55,236
Anyway, after that very
rude answer, he regrouped,

435
00:19:55,320 --> 00:19:56,404
and he said,
well, how about this?

436
00:19:56,446 --> 00:19:58,448
Would you do an African
accent on stage?

437
00:19:58,531 --> 00:19:59,449
And I said, dear God, no.

438
00:19:59,532 --> 00:20:01,951
I would never do
an African accent on stage.

439
00:20:02,035 --> 00:20:03,745
And he said, where is the line?

440
00:20:03,828 --> 00:20:05,288
And I said,
where is the line

441
00:20:05,330 --> 00:20:09,584
for what accents a white
comedian can do in 2024?

442
00:20:09,668 --> 00:20:13,588
The borders of Europe.

443
00:20:13,630 --> 00:20:16,132
That's the line,
from Finland to Italy,

444
00:20:16,216 --> 00:20:17,592
from Portugal to Ukraine.

445
00:20:17,676 --> 00:20:18,802
I wouldn't fuck with Turkey.

446
00:20:18,843 --> 00:20:20,887
That's the line.

447
00:20:22,222 --> 00:20:24,474
And you can have
a healthy comedy career.

448
00:20:24,516 --> 00:20:26,267
Here,
I'll show you how it works.

449
00:20:26,351 --> 00:20:27,977
Here's my impression
of a Swedish person

450
00:20:28,061 --> 00:20:29,813
ordering from a Chinese waiter.

451
00:20:29,896 --> 00:20:31,064
Yes, hello.

452
00:20:31,147 --> 00:20:32,941
Do you have the chicken
chow mein tonight?

453
00:20:33,024 --> 00:20:36,528
No, we're out of that.

454
00:20:45,161 --> 00:20:46,996
I chose Swedish on purpose

455
00:20:47,038 --> 00:20:49,916
because I'm almost certain
it's impossible

456
00:20:50,000 --> 00:20:51,793
to do an offensive
Swedish accent.

457
00:20:51,876 --> 00:20:53,753
And I'm basing that
entirely on the fact

458
00:20:53,837 --> 00:20:56,965
that "The Muppet Show"
never got canceled.

459
00:20:57,048 --> 00:20:58,466
How was that OK?

460
00:20:58,550 --> 00:21:01,177
How was the Swedish Chef OK?

461
00:21:01,261 --> 00:21:02,679
Schmorgedy, borgedy, borgedy.

462
00:21:02,721 --> 00:21:03,680
That was--

463
00:21:03,763 --> 00:21:06,016
that was--as a child,
that was my introduction

464
00:21:06,099 --> 00:21:08,143
to Swedish people.

465
00:21:08,226 --> 00:21:09,686
That's how I thought
they all behaved.

466
00:21:09,769 --> 00:21:13,690
I thought they were imbeciles
who were bad with cutlery.

467
00:21:13,732 --> 00:21:15,150
Schmorgedy, borgedy, borgedy.

468
00:21:15,233 --> 00:21:16,901
Can you imagine--
what would it have sounded like

469
00:21:16,985 --> 00:21:18,528
if they'd taken
the same approach

470
00:21:18,570 --> 00:21:21,406
with the Pakistani Chef?

471
00:21:21,489 --> 00:21:25,035
I'm not gonna do it.

472
00:21:30,081 --> 00:21:33,626
But at least now I know what
the sound of 1,500 buttholes

473
00:21:33,710 --> 00:21:37,172
closing at the same time is.

474
00:21:37,255 --> 00:21:38,840
Fwup.

475
00:21:43,303 --> 00:21:44,554
My kids are really lucky.

476
00:21:44,637 --> 00:21:47,390
They have all four
grandparents in their lives,

477
00:21:47,474 --> 00:21:49,059
and they see them
all the time in person.

478
00:21:49,100 --> 00:21:52,687
But they also see them
all the time on FaceTime.

479
00:21:52,729 --> 00:21:55,565
They're interacting
with them every day.

480
00:21:55,607 --> 00:21:58,568
It's so unlike
how I talk to my grandparents.

481
00:21:58,610 --> 00:22:02,197
My dad put me on the phone
with my grandmother once a year

482
00:22:02,280 --> 00:22:07,369
the way a kidnapper
would put a hostage

483
00:22:07,410 --> 00:22:10,205
on the phone with the police.

484
00:22:11,373 --> 00:22:12,582
He would say,
say hello to your grandmother.

485
00:22:12,665 --> 00:22:13,583
I'd like, hello.

486
00:22:13,667 --> 00:22:14,793
And then he'd grab
the phone back.

487
00:22:14,876 --> 00:22:17,754
He's like, now you know
the boy's alive!

488
00:22:20,507 --> 00:22:22,050
Put $5 in a birthday card

489
00:22:22,133 --> 00:22:24,594
and leave it
under the highway overpass.

490
00:22:28,640 --> 00:22:30,433
I love having my parents
around my kids.

491
00:22:30,517 --> 00:22:31,726
It's one of the
most special things

492
00:22:31,810 --> 00:22:33,103
you can experience in life.

493
00:22:33,186 --> 00:22:34,104
I love it so much.

494
00:22:34,187 --> 00:22:35,438
The only thing that's hard

495
00:22:35,480 --> 00:22:36,940
is that your parents are always

496
00:22:37,023 --> 00:22:39,109
gonna have
a different parenting style

497
00:22:39,150 --> 00:22:40,360
from when they did it

498
00:22:40,443 --> 00:22:43,947
to the parenting style that
you're currently using now.

499
00:22:43,988 --> 00:22:47,117
Again, my dad was a dad of
young kids a long time ago,

500
00:22:47,158 --> 00:22:49,411
but he was
an old-school screamer.

501
00:22:49,452 --> 00:22:51,287
My dad would yell
at me and my brother,

502
00:22:51,329 --> 00:22:53,039
and we were not
a three-strike family.

503
00:22:53,123 --> 00:22:54,207
We were a one-strike family.

504
00:22:54,290 --> 00:22:56,793
If you disobeyed, he would
just start laying into you.

505
00:22:56,876 --> 00:22:59,129
And we have a much more modern,

506
00:22:59,170 --> 00:23:01,131
non-confrontational
parenting style.

507
00:23:01,172 --> 00:23:02,799
We never yell.

508
00:23:02,841 --> 00:23:04,509
We use language like--
when they're misbehaving,

509
00:23:04,592 --> 00:23:06,302
we say, I can see
you're upset right now.

510
00:23:06,386 --> 00:23:08,179
And while I don't want to
invalidate the very real

511
00:23:08,263 --> 00:23:11,099
feelings you're having,

512
00:23:11,182 --> 00:23:12,809
I do encourage you
to work through it

513
00:23:12,892 --> 00:23:16,479
on a timeline that's
conducive to your schedule

514
00:23:16,521 --> 00:23:18,440
while remembering
the most important thing,

515
00:23:18,481 --> 00:23:22,235
this is just as much
your house as it is ours.

516
00:23:26,698 --> 00:23:28,450
And sometimes my dad comes over,

517
00:23:28,533 --> 00:23:29,826
and he reverts to his old ways.

518
00:23:29,909 --> 00:23:31,494
And he tells the kids
to stop doing something,

519
00:23:31,578 --> 00:23:32,662
and they don't.

520
00:23:32,746 --> 00:23:33,913
And then he just
starts screaming at them.

521
00:23:33,997 --> 00:23:36,666
And when my dad yells at my
kids, I immediately intervene.

522
00:23:36,708 --> 00:23:37,792
I always run over.

523
00:23:37,834 --> 00:23:39,919
I'm like,
Dad, that is not our way.

524
00:23:40,003 --> 00:23:41,463
That is your way.

525
00:23:41,546 --> 00:23:42,672
And while I would never
want to invalidate your way

526
00:23:42,714 --> 00:23:45,091
or make you feel less than--

527
00:23:48,428 --> 00:23:49,971
But I have to admit
something to you guys.

528
00:23:50,013 --> 00:23:52,349
When my dad yells at my kids,

529
00:23:52,432 --> 00:23:53,767
I always tell him to stop.

530
00:23:53,850 --> 00:23:56,936
But also, there is a tiny voice
in the back of my head

531
00:23:57,020 --> 00:23:58,188
that always wants to scream,

532
00:23:58,229 --> 00:24:00,899
give 'em hell, old man!

533
00:24:02,525 --> 00:24:05,737
Let 'em know how good
they have it!

534
00:24:07,655 --> 00:24:09,032
'Cause, guys,
I got to admit something.

535
00:24:09,115 --> 00:24:13,203
I'm not sure our modern
parenting style is working.

536
00:24:13,244 --> 00:24:15,830
I'm not seeing
the day-to-day results.

537
00:24:15,914 --> 00:24:17,707
Like, the other day,
my eight-year-old

538
00:24:17,791 --> 00:24:19,376
just bit my six-year-old,
just fully bit him.

539
00:24:19,417 --> 00:24:20,377
They weren't even wrestling.

540
00:24:20,418 --> 00:24:22,003
He just saw him across the room.

541
00:24:22,045 --> 00:24:23,880
And I just watched him,
like, think, like,

542
00:24:23,963 --> 00:24:26,174
I'm gonna go bite him right now.

543
00:24:26,216 --> 00:24:31,221
He was like a robot that was
like, initiate biting protocol.

544
00:24:31,304 --> 00:24:32,681
And he went over,
and he bit him so hard.

545
00:24:32,764 --> 00:24:34,224
And then he said,
I didn't bite him.

546
00:24:34,265 --> 00:24:36,851
And I was like,
look at the teeth marks.

547
00:24:36,893 --> 00:24:40,647
I could take your brother's arm
to an orthodontist right now,

548
00:24:40,730 --> 00:24:43,942
and they could fit you
for Invisalign.

549
00:24:46,069 --> 00:24:47,237
And I was so mad.
I never do this.

550
00:24:47,320 --> 00:24:48,488
I grabbed my son, and I said,

551
00:24:48,571 --> 00:24:49,572
you're gonna have a timeout
in the other room.

552
00:24:49,656 --> 00:24:51,366
And I put him in a room,
and I slammed the door.

553
00:24:51,449 --> 00:24:54,244
And my plan was just to make him
spend five minutes

554
00:24:54,327 --> 00:24:56,246
thinking about
how badly he behaved,

555
00:24:56,329 --> 00:25:00,250
just five minutes reflecting on
the consequences of his actions.

556
00:25:00,291 --> 00:25:02,335
But I'm such a modern wuss,
I could only make it,

557
00:25:02,419 --> 00:25:04,170
like, two and a half minutes
before I started thinking,

558
00:25:04,254 --> 00:25:05,255
oh, my God,
he's gonna be in therapy

559
00:25:05,338 --> 00:25:06,756
the rest of his life.

560
00:25:06,840 --> 00:25:08,591
This is a trauma
he'll never recover from.

561
00:25:08,633 --> 00:25:10,927
I have to go in and let him know
he's my little slugger

562
00:25:11,011 --> 00:25:12,929
and I'm always gonna love him
no matter what.

563
00:25:13,013 --> 00:25:13,930
And I opened the door,

564
00:25:14,014 --> 00:25:16,224
expecting to see him in a puddle

565
00:25:16,266 --> 00:25:18,435
in the middle of the room
on the floor.

566
00:25:18,518 --> 00:25:19,936
And not only was he not there,

567
00:25:19,978 --> 00:25:22,939
he was leaning
against the window,

568
00:25:23,023 --> 00:25:24,983
looking out across the city,

569
00:25:25,066 --> 00:25:27,777
not a care in the world.

570
00:25:33,575 --> 00:25:37,620
He looked like he was in
a French new wave film.

571
00:25:37,662 --> 00:25:41,416
All that was missing was
a beret and a cigarette.

572
00:25:41,458 --> 00:25:43,960
Did I bite him?

573
00:25:44,002 --> 00:25:45,545
Perhaps.

574
00:25:47,547 --> 00:25:50,425
But in life,
you're either the biter

575
00:25:50,508 --> 00:25:52,677
or ze bitter.

576
00:25:54,512 --> 00:25:55,430
I'll tell you this.

577
00:25:55,513 --> 00:25:56,639
I have a theory, guys.

578
00:25:56,723 --> 00:25:58,141
My theory is this.

579
00:25:58,224 --> 00:26:00,226
I think my kids

580
00:26:00,310 --> 00:26:02,145
are gonna yell at their kids.

581
00:26:02,228 --> 00:26:04,314
I think it skips a generation.

582
00:26:04,356 --> 00:26:07,108
And I think at night,
my boys are in their bunk bed

583
00:26:07,150 --> 00:26:09,944
talking about it
and saying, when I grow up,

584
00:26:10,028 --> 00:26:13,448
I'm not gonna do that
ineffective bullshit Dad does.

585
00:26:15,283 --> 00:26:18,995
I'm gonna get loud like Grandpa.

586
00:26:19,079 --> 00:26:20,372
And the other was one's like,
oh, totally.

587
00:26:20,455 --> 00:26:23,291
I'm not gonna be
a beta cuck like Dad.

588
00:26:29,214 --> 00:26:30,340
Invalidate your feelings?

589
00:26:30,423 --> 00:26:32,217
Bitch, grow up.

590
00:26:34,594 --> 00:26:37,138
My wife thinks the world
can help us be better parents,

591
00:26:37,180 --> 00:26:39,182
and she's always sending me
Instagram videos

592
00:26:39,224 --> 00:26:42,852
of Instagram moms who are trying
to share their wisdom.

593
00:26:42,894 --> 00:26:45,021
My take is if they look
too well put together,

594
00:26:45,105 --> 00:26:48,191
I just think they have different
kinds of kids than ours.

595
00:26:48,233 --> 00:26:50,694
Like, if they have a blowout
and a Ring light,

596
00:26:50,777 --> 00:26:52,862
I'm just like, I don't think
this is meant for us.

597
00:26:52,904 --> 00:26:56,700
And they often have
very cryptic advice.

598
00:26:56,783 --> 00:26:59,703
My wife sent me one where
it was a woman just very calmly

599
00:26:59,744 --> 00:27:01,371
saying,
positive feedback

600
00:27:01,454 --> 00:27:03,623
is really important for a child.

601
00:27:03,707 --> 00:27:06,001
If you tell your child
in the morning

602
00:27:06,042 --> 00:27:07,627
that you like their handwriting,

603
00:27:07,711 --> 00:27:12,841
they're less likely
to punch a sibling at night.

604
00:27:12,924 --> 00:27:14,551
Now, I don't know
if that's true or not,

605
00:27:14,592 --> 00:27:16,553
because I never remember it
until it's too late.

606
00:27:16,594 --> 00:27:18,930
Like, they'll just be wailing
on each other in the corner.

607
00:27:19,014 --> 00:27:22,142
And I run over, and I'm like,
I like your handwriting!

608
00:27:25,895 --> 00:27:29,065
There is--there is an
Instagram mom I really like,

609
00:27:29,107 --> 00:27:30,400
a style of Instagram mom.

610
00:27:30,442 --> 00:27:32,360
It's the one who's, like,
barely keeping it together.

611
00:27:32,402 --> 00:27:35,864
And they're shooting their video
like "Blair Witch Project" style

612
00:27:35,947 --> 00:27:36,948
on their phone.

613
00:27:37,032 --> 00:27:38,533
And they're,
like, hiding in the closet

614
00:27:38,575 --> 00:27:39,909
before their kids can find them.

615
00:27:39,993 --> 00:27:42,787
They're like, hi,
I don't have a lot of time.

616
00:27:42,871 --> 00:27:45,498
We figured out a way
to get Sharpie off wallpaper.

617
00:27:45,582 --> 00:27:48,335
What you have to do is--
oh, no, they found me!

618
00:27:58,803 --> 00:28:00,221
My wife and I are both
incredibly close

619
00:28:00,305 --> 00:28:02,057
with our parents,
and I think

620
00:28:02,140 --> 00:28:03,558
it's one of the first things
we connected on.

621
00:28:03,600 --> 00:28:05,352
We thought
if we started our own family,

622
00:28:05,435 --> 00:28:07,729
maybe we would have kids
that wanted to hang out

623
00:28:07,771 --> 00:28:10,357
as much with us as we want to
hang out with our parents.

624
00:28:10,440 --> 00:28:14,569
With that said, our families
also have some differences.

625
00:28:14,611 --> 00:28:16,905
For example,
when I was growing up,

626
00:28:16,946 --> 00:28:20,283
the rule at the dinner table was
never speak unless spoken to.

627
00:28:20,367 --> 00:28:22,619
If you do speak, have it be
relevant to the conversation

628
00:28:22,702 --> 00:28:25,830
at hand,
and certainly never talk

629
00:28:25,914 --> 00:28:29,125
until the person who is
currently talking has finished,

630
00:28:29,167 --> 00:28:30,627
whereas I feel like
in my wife's family,

631
00:28:30,710 --> 00:28:33,505
the rule was as soon
as you think something,

632
00:28:33,588 --> 00:28:36,299
say it out loud.

633
00:28:36,383 --> 00:28:40,720
Ideally, try to start saying it
before you finish thinking it.

634
00:28:42,472 --> 00:28:43,973
Try to hear
the completed thought

635
00:28:44,057 --> 00:28:47,936
outside your head with your ears

636
00:28:48,019 --> 00:28:50,271
for the very first time.

637
00:28:52,023 --> 00:28:54,609
Another cool thing
my wife's family does

638
00:28:54,651 --> 00:28:57,153
is they will call a restaurant
to order delivery,

639
00:28:57,237 --> 00:28:59,781
and it's only when they're on
the phone with the restaurant

640
00:28:59,823 --> 00:29:02,909
that they ask everybody else
what they want.

641
00:29:06,996 --> 00:29:09,749
They will low-key criticize
the restaurant on the phone

642
00:29:09,833 --> 00:29:11,251
with the restaurant.

643
00:29:11,334 --> 00:29:13,003
They'll be like,
should we get the dumplings?

644
00:29:13,044 --> 00:29:14,170
And from across the room,
someone will be like,

645
00:29:14,254 --> 00:29:15,797
no, their dumplings are soggy.

646
00:29:15,880 --> 00:29:18,425
We're not gonna
get the dumplings.

647
00:29:20,719 --> 00:29:22,512
My wife's family is Jewish,

648
00:29:22,554 --> 00:29:26,266
which I haven't said yet,
but I have told you.

649
00:29:32,480 --> 00:29:36,067
If there's one thing
Jewish people agree on,

650
00:29:36,151 --> 00:29:39,112
I would love to know
what that is.

651
00:29:42,490 --> 00:29:46,119
I really want to stress,
these jokes are all pro-Semitic.

652
00:29:47,912 --> 00:29:49,789
I love my Jewish wife.

653
00:29:49,873 --> 00:29:51,374
I love my Jewish children.

654
00:29:51,458 --> 00:29:53,001
I have incredible in-laws.

655
00:29:53,043 --> 00:29:56,379
The best thing about my in-laws
is they're very easy to find.

656
00:29:56,421 --> 00:29:57,797
If you're ever looking for them,

657
00:29:57,881 --> 00:30:01,468
they're in the middle
of my fucking business.

658
00:30:13,605 --> 00:30:15,106
Knock.

659
00:30:20,111 --> 00:30:23,198
We have a tricky conversation
coming up with our children

660
00:30:23,281 --> 00:30:26,576
because my wife's grandparents
were Holocaust survivors.

661
00:30:26,659 --> 00:30:29,746
And obviously, that's something
we're going to have to explain

662
00:30:29,788 --> 00:30:30,914
to them one day.

663
00:30:30,997 --> 00:30:33,208
The problem with kids
is sometimes

664
00:30:33,249 --> 00:30:36,586
they will ask you a question
before you're prepared

665
00:30:36,628 --> 00:30:39,756
on how to answer it, and they
sort of force your hand.

666
00:30:39,798 --> 00:30:43,426
And the other day,
my wife said to one of our sons,

667
00:30:43,468 --> 00:30:45,261
you're so lucky you know
all four of your grandparents.

668
00:30:45,345 --> 00:30:47,806
Your grandmother didn't know
any of her grandparents.

669
00:30:47,889 --> 00:30:49,099
And he said,
what happened to them?

670
00:30:49,140 --> 00:30:51,601
And she said,
they all died in a war.

671
00:30:51,643 --> 00:30:53,603
And he said,
were they soldiers?

672
00:30:53,687 --> 00:30:57,732
And she said, not everyone who
dies in a war is a soldier.

673
00:30:57,816 --> 00:30:59,442
And then he paused for
a second and said,

674
00:30:59,526 --> 00:31:00,944
oh.

675
00:31:00,985 --> 00:31:04,572
Were they drummers?

676
00:31:14,040 --> 00:31:18,128
Because he'd seen a
Revolutionary War picture book,

677
00:31:18,211 --> 00:31:21,548
and quite smartly, may I say,
deduced that while the soldiers

678
00:31:21,631 --> 00:31:23,299
are obviously in grave danger,

679
00:31:23,341 --> 00:31:27,262
these drummers up front
are dead men.

680
00:31:27,345 --> 00:31:29,639
What a bad time
to be good at drumming,

681
00:31:29,681 --> 00:31:31,641
the Revolutionary War.

682
00:31:31,683 --> 00:31:33,810
Maybe the worst time ever
to be good at drumming.

683
00:31:33,852 --> 00:31:34,811
And I bet when you heard word

684
00:31:34,853 --> 00:31:35,854
that they were looking
for drummers,

685
00:31:35,937 --> 00:31:37,188
you got so excited.

686
00:31:37,272 --> 00:31:38,314
You're like, oh, my God,
that's great.

687
00:31:38,356 --> 00:31:39,482
We don't have to fight.

688
00:31:39,566 --> 00:31:41,317
We'll stay back and rehearse
for a concert.

689
00:31:41,359 --> 00:31:43,153
And then whenever
the survivors get here,

690
00:31:43,236 --> 00:31:44,821
we'll do a gig for them.

691
00:31:44,863 --> 00:31:45,822
And so they raise their hand.

692
00:31:45,864 --> 00:31:47,115
They were like,
I know how to drum.

693
00:31:47,157 --> 00:31:49,159
And they're like, great, go
strap it on and stand up front.

694
00:31:49,242 --> 00:31:51,369
And they were like, up front?

695
00:31:51,453 --> 00:31:52,787
And they're like yeah,
it's gonna be you,

696
00:31:52,871 --> 00:31:54,581
another drummer,
and a flute guy.

697
00:31:54,664 --> 00:31:56,166
And the flute guy was like,
actually, it's a fife.

698
00:31:56,249 --> 00:31:59,919
And they're like,
not now, flute guy.

699
00:32:00,003 --> 00:32:03,173
My wife argues that
I should convert to Judaism.

700
00:32:03,214 --> 00:32:05,133
Her argument is
everybody already assumes

701
00:32:05,175 --> 00:32:07,177
that I'm Jewish--

702
00:32:07,218 --> 00:32:09,095
not a bad argument.
I'm a quarter Jewish.

703
00:32:09,179 --> 00:32:11,306
Every Jewish person
I've ever met has said,

704
00:32:11,389 --> 00:32:12,474
you're Jewish, right?

705
00:32:12,515 --> 00:32:14,017
I'm also a quarter Swedish.

706
00:32:14,100 --> 00:32:15,310
Not one Swedish person
has ever said,

707
00:32:15,393 --> 00:32:18,605
schmorgedy, borgedy,
borgedy, borg?

708
00:32:21,024 --> 00:32:22,025
That's how they talk, guys.

709
00:32:22,067 --> 00:32:25,570
I'm not gonna apologize
for how they talk.

710
00:32:25,653 --> 00:32:27,989
Why would "The Muppet Show"
lie to me?

711
00:32:28,073 --> 00:32:29,532
That's how Swedish people talk.

712
00:32:29,616 --> 00:32:31,659
And this is how
lab assistants talk--

713
00:32:31,743 --> 00:32:34,746
me, me, me, me, me, me, me.

714
00:32:42,754 --> 00:32:45,548
I recently found out
some things about my lineage

715
00:32:45,632 --> 00:32:48,009
because I did this
incredible show on PBS

716
00:32:48,051 --> 00:32:49,552
called "Finding Your Roots"

717
00:32:49,636 --> 00:32:50,845
with Professor
Henry Louis Gates.

718
00:32:50,929 --> 00:32:52,722
It's a wonderful show,
great show.

719
00:32:52,806 --> 00:32:54,557
He's a brilliant man.

720
00:32:54,599 --> 00:32:56,726
And I found out some things
about my family

721
00:32:56,810 --> 00:32:57,894
that I hadn't known before.

722
00:32:57,936 --> 00:33:00,063
I found out I had descended
from Lithuanian Jews,

723
00:33:00,146 --> 00:33:02,524
Lithuanian Jews, famous for
coining the expression,

724
00:33:02,607 --> 00:33:05,443
we got to get the fuck out
of Lithuania.

725
00:33:09,072 --> 00:33:12,575
But I was a bad subject for
the show "Finding your Roots"

726
00:33:12,617 --> 00:33:16,413
because I am not easily shocked
or amazed.

727
00:33:16,454 --> 00:33:17,914
And the best thing
about that show

728
00:33:17,956 --> 00:33:21,376
is when they reveal information
to you about your lineage,

729
00:33:21,459 --> 00:33:22,919
and you are shocked and amazed.

730
00:33:23,003 --> 00:33:25,005
And because I'm not
easily shocked and amazed,

731
00:33:25,088 --> 00:33:26,339
it was just a bad episode.

732
00:33:26,423 --> 00:33:27,799
Like, for example, at one point,

733
00:33:27,882 --> 00:33:29,718
Henry Louis Gates
looked at me and said,

734
00:33:29,759 --> 00:33:35,724
we tracked down one of your
ancestors to the year 1650.

735
00:33:35,765 --> 00:33:40,395
We found their name
written in a town ledger

736
00:33:40,478 --> 00:33:43,898
from the year 1650.

737
00:33:43,982 --> 00:33:46,651
How does that make you feel,

738
00:33:46,735 --> 00:33:51,281
knowing we tracked back
a relative of yours

739
00:33:51,364 --> 00:33:54,409
to the year 1650?

740
00:33:54,492 --> 00:33:55,910
And all I could manage was,

741
00:33:55,994 --> 00:33:59,330
well, I mean,
I knew I came from people.

742
00:34:06,046 --> 00:34:07,964
It's not like he was like,
your great-great-grandmother

743
00:34:08,048 --> 00:34:09,758
was a mermaid.

744
00:34:12,552 --> 00:34:15,972
He did shock me once,
but it was by accident.

745
00:34:16,056 --> 00:34:18,391
You sit across from him,
and there's a table between you,

746
00:34:18,475 --> 00:34:20,477
and on the table is a big book
full of information,

747
00:34:20,560 --> 00:34:22,479
and he tees up the story.

748
00:34:22,520 --> 00:34:24,647
And when he tees up the story,

749
00:34:24,689 --> 00:34:27,609
he asks you to turn the page
to reveal the information.

750
00:34:27,650 --> 00:34:29,986
And at one point, he said to me,
you're a performer.

751
00:34:30,028 --> 00:34:31,196
And I said, I'm a performer.

752
00:34:31,279 --> 00:34:32,489
He said, do you anyone else
in your family tree

753
00:34:32,572 --> 00:34:33,823
who's a performer?

754
00:34:33,865 --> 00:34:36,326
And I go, I don't know a single
other person in my family tree

755
00:34:36,368 --> 00:34:37,786
who is a performer.

756
00:34:37,869 --> 00:34:39,329
And he said,
why don't you turn the page?

757
00:34:39,371 --> 00:34:40,872
Because I think the next thing
you're gonna see

758
00:34:40,955 --> 00:34:42,332
is pretty cool.

759
00:34:42,374 --> 00:34:45,710
So I turn the page,
and it was a newspaper obituary

760
00:34:45,794 --> 00:34:47,170
about my great-grandfather

761
00:34:47,253 --> 00:34:48,838
who had died from suicide.

762
00:34:48,880 --> 00:34:51,466
And Henry Louis Gates goes,
what does it say?

763
00:34:51,508 --> 00:34:53,134
And I said, oh, exactly that.

764
00:34:53,176 --> 00:34:55,720
I go, my great-grandfather,
it seems he died by suicide.

765
00:34:55,804 --> 00:34:57,347
And Henry Louis Gates,
to his credit,

766
00:34:57,389 --> 00:34:59,015
just looked at me and said,
that's a mistake.

767
00:34:59,099 --> 00:35:02,310
I apologize.
We're gonna edit this out.

768
00:35:20,120 --> 00:35:22,914
And then he said,
why don't you turn another page?

769
00:35:24,791 --> 00:35:26,876
So I turned another page,
and I'm like, oh,

770
00:35:26,960 --> 00:35:29,629
my grandfather
was in a school play.

771
00:35:32,298 --> 00:35:34,050
And he said, pretty cool, right?

772
00:35:34,134 --> 00:35:36,886
And I was like, Henry!

773
00:35:36,970 --> 00:35:38,680
You can't bounce back

774
00:35:38,763 --> 00:35:42,934
from accidentally showing
someone a suicide obituary.

775
00:35:43,018 --> 00:35:44,394
That would be like
if a magician was like,

776
00:35:44,477 --> 00:35:45,687
is this your card?

777
00:35:45,770 --> 00:35:47,272
And you're like, no, I think
that's a picture of your dick.

778
00:35:47,355 --> 00:35:49,941
Oh, fuck.
Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.

779
00:35:54,779 --> 00:35:56,781
Is this your card?

780
00:35:56,865 --> 00:35:59,659
Nine of spades.
Is this your card?

781
00:36:03,580 --> 00:36:04,998
You're still thinking
about the dick pic?

782
00:36:05,081 --> 00:36:07,667
Yeah!

783
00:36:07,751 --> 00:36:10,545
Yeah, dude.

784
00:36:13,506 --> 00:36:16,384
This is the time of the night
where a lot of comedians

785
00:36:16,426 --> 00:36:18,720
will start doing
their anti-trans material.

786
00:36:18,762 --> 00:36:22,140
I'm happy to inform you
I have no anti-trans material.

787
00:36:23,850 --> 00:36:26,603
I have nothing
but love and respect

788
00:36:26,644 --> 00:36:28,563
for the trans community.

789
00:36:28,605 --> 00:36:31,232
And also, I'm always so
frustrated when people frame it

790
00:36:31,274 --> 00:36:34,277
as how it's inconvenient to them
when someone transitions,

791
00:36:34,319 --> 00:36:36,154
when they talk about how
they have to learn a new name

792
00:36:36,237 --> 00:36:37,614
or a new pronoun,

793
00:36:37,697 --> 00:36:39,282
or they have to change a contact

794
00:36:39,366 --> 00:36:41,785
in their email address folder.

795
00:36:41,868 --> 00:36:43,620
And really,
if we're being honest--

796
00:36:43,661 --> 00:36:45,163
let's be honest for a second.

797
00:36:45,246 --> 00:36:47,457
What would actually
be harder for you,

798
00:36:47,540 --> 00:36:50,460
if someone in your life
decided they were transitioning

799
00:36:50,502 --> 00:36:53,463
to a new gender,
or if someone in your life

800
00:36:53,505 --> 00:36:55,423
decided that as of tomorrow,

801
00:36:55,465 --> 00:36:58,134
they were going to be a vegan?

802
00:37:02,555 --> 00:37:06,226
Like, what makes your
life harder tomorrow?

803
00:37:06,309 --> 00:37:07,644
Because, you guys,
five years ago,

804
00:37:07,686 --> 00:37:09,396
my brother decided
to be a vegan,

805
00:37:09,479 --> 00:37:11,564
and I've spent multiple
Thanksgivings with him,

806
00:37:11,648 --> 00:37:14,651
and I 100% would prefer
my next Thanksgiving start

807
00:37:14,734 --> 00:37:19,823
with my dad walking in
and saying, I'm a lady now--

808
00:37:19,906 --> 00:37:21,991
Than I would spending
another Thanksgiving

809
00:37:22,033 --> 00:37:24,285
where my brother keeps asking
me, is there butter in this?

810
00:37:24,369 --> 00:37:27,706
I'm like, there's fucking
butter in everything.

811
00:37:29,499 --> 00:37:31,459
That is the true meaning
of Thanksgiving

812
00:37:31,543 --> 00:37:35,005
is butter in everything.

813
00:37:35,088 --> 00:37:36,548
That's how the first
Thanksgiving started.

814
00:37:36,631 --> 00:37:37,632
The Indigenous people came over.

815
00:37:37,674 --> 00:37:39,342
They were like, this is maize.

816
00:37:39,384 --> 00:37:41,720
And the pilgrims said,
what if we put butter on it

817
00:37:41,803 --> 00:37:43,054
and call it corn?

818
00:37:43,138 --> 00:37:44,973
And the Indigenous people
were like, oh, my God,

819
00:37:45,056 --> 00:37:46,182
this is so much better.

820
00:37:46,224 --> 00:37:47,976
How can we ever repay you?

821
00:37:48,059 --> 00:37:49,519
And the pilgrims were like,
we have an idea,

822
00:37:49,561 --> 00:37:52,230
but we're not
gonna tell you yet.

823
00:37:56,401 --> 00:37:57,777
White man.

824
00:38:01,656 --> 00:38:04,868
My brother, who's hardcore--
my brother will not eat honey.

825
00:38:04,909 --> 00:38:08,204
My brother said that vegans who
eat honey are called beegans.

826
00:38:08,246 --> 00:38:10,623
I found out he didn't eat honey
because one day,

827
00:38:10,707 --> 00:38:11,624
he was over at my apartment,

828
00:38:11,708 --> 00:38:14,294
and I just sort of threw
a granola bar at him

829
00:38:14,377 --> 00:38:15,670
because he looked like
he was starving.

830
00:38:15,712 --> 00:38:17,505
And...

831
00:38:17,547 --> 00:38:20,550
he picked it up, and he just
started reading the label.

832
00:38:20,633 --> 00:38:22,886
If there was a logo
for veganism,

833
00:38:22,969 --> 00:38:25,764
it should be someone at
your home reading a label.

834
00:38:33,646 --> 00:38:35,940
Found a problem!

835
00:38:39,736 --> 00:38:41,404
By the way,
I wish I could be a vegan.

836
00:38:41,446 --> 00:38:43,365
Every argument for being a vegan
is a good one.

837
00:38:43,448 --> 00:38:45,408
It's better for the environment.
It's more humane.

838
00:38:45,492 --> 00:38:47,911
The best argument, though,
is this, you guys.

839
00:38:47,952 --> 00:38:51,748
My brother looks
so much healthier than I do.

840
00:38:51,831 --> 00:38:53,792
Like, if you saw a picture
of my brother

841
00:38:53,875 --> 00:38:54,793
and I next to each other,

842
00:38:54,876 --> 00:38:56,753
you would stop eating meat
yesterday.

843
00:38:56,836 --> 00:38:58,922
Like, he glows like the sun.

844
00:38:59,005 --> 00:39:02,133
And next to him, I look
like a guy holding a lantern

845
00:39:02,217 --> 00:39:05,136
at the bow of a ferry.
I'm like--

846
00:39:08,014 --> 00:39:11,351
The fog is thick,
but we'll make it through.

847
00:39:16,272 --> 00:39:20,610
I mentioned my in-laws earlier,
and I want to give a special--

848
00:39:20,652 --> 00:39:23,905
pay a little special attention
to my wonderful mother-in-law.

849
00:39:23,947 --> 00:39:27,450
I really do have the greatest
mother-in-law in the world.

850
00:39:27,534 --> 00:39:29,619
And my favorite thing about her

851
00:39:29,661 --> 00:39:33,289
is there are also times
that she agrees with me

852
00:39:33,331 --> 00:39:36,001
that my wife is being a lot.

853
00:39:39,212 --> 00:39:40,964
Sometimes my wife and I
will be fighting

854
00:39:41,047 --> 00:39:42,173
in front of my mother-in-law,

855
00:39:42,257 --> 00:39:44,300
and she will just
make eye contact with me

856
00:39:44,342 --> 00:39:47,387
from across the room
as if to say, sorry.

857
00:39:49,514 --> 00:39:50,974
But it has to be non-verbal.

858
00:39:51,057 --> 00:39:54,936
It is only of value to me if it
is a non-verbal acknowledgment

859
00:39:54,978 --> 00:39:56,354
of my wife's behavior.

860
00:39:56,438 --> 00:39:58,148
If she actually speaks up
in my defense,

861
00:39:58,231 --> 00:39:59,482
that's a disaster for me.

862
00:39:59,566 --> 00:40:01,359
Because every
married person here knows

863
00:40:01,443 --> 00:40:04,154
that it's always just easiest
to agree with your spouse

864
00:40:04,237 --> 00:40:05,697
when they're complaining
about something.

865
00:40:05,780 --> 00:40:07,282
And I cannot tell you
how many times

866
00:40:07,365 --> 00:40:08,658
it's been the end of the night,

867
00:40:08,700 --> 00:40:09,743
and we're getting ready for bed.

868
00:40:09,826 --> 00:40:12,412
And my wife will say,
can you believe my mom says

869
00:40:12,495 --> 00:40:14,247
I have to be nicer to you?

870
00:40:14,330 --> 00:40:18,960
And my only response
is yeah, what a bitch.

871
00:40:25,675 --> 00:40:27,927
Mind your own business, lady.

872
00:40:29,763 --> 00:40:31,973
I do have a mean wife.

873
00:40:32,015 --> 00:40:33,975
You guys--

874
00:40:36,561 --> 00:40:37,854
But only to me.

875
00:40:37,937 --> 00:40:40,482
My wife is mean to me,
and she is so nice to the kids,

876
00:40:40,565 --> 00:40:43,318
and that is so much better
than the other way around.

877
00:40:43,401 --> 00:40:46,404
If my wife was nice to me
but mean to the kids,

878
00:40:46,488 --> 00:40:47,864
my life would be a nightmare.

879
00:40:47,906 --> 00:40:49,532
I would come home,
and they'd always run over

880
00:40:49,616 --> 00:40:50,700
and be like, hey man,
you got to step in

881
00:40:50,784 --> 00:40:52,535
and do something.
We're your kids, too.

882
00:40:52,619 --> 00:40:53,912
And I'd be like,
shh, don't talk to me.

883
00:40:53,995 --> 00:40:56,373
I don't want her to know
we're friends.

884
00:41:00,210 --> 00:41:02,212
I--by the way, this is
not an attack on my wife.

885
00:41:02,253 --> 00:41:04,005
This is a defense
of her meanness.

886
00:41:04,047 --> 00:41:05,548
My wife works so hard.

887
00:41:05,590 --> 00:41:07,342
She has three children.
She is so depleted.

888
00:41:07,425 --> 00:41:08,885
She has a full-time job.

889
00:41:08,968 --> 00:41:10,095
My wife is a lawyer.

890
00:41:10,178 --> 00:41:12,347
My wife passed
the New York Bar.

891
00:41:12,389 --> 00:41:13,556
She is a brilliant woman.

892
00:41:13,598 --> 00:41:14,891
The New York Bar,
that's the hardest one.

893
00:41:14,974 --> 00:41:17,477
That's the one Giuliani passed.

894
00:41:23,066 --> 00:41:24,067
So I get it.

895
00:41:24,150 --> 00:41:25,235
She is tired all the time,

896
00:41:25,318 --> 00:41:26,903
and she's so patient
with her children.

897
00:41:26,986 --> 00:41:28,363
And sometimes she has
to take it out on me.

898
00:41:28,405 --> 00:41:29,906
And also,
I deserve it, you guys.

899
00:41:29,989 --> 00:41:31,241
I am so irritating.

900
00:41:31,324 --> 00:41:33,660
Here are some of the things
I do.

901
00:41:33,743 --> 00:41:37,706
Here are some of the things
I do that earn her meanness.

902
00:41:37,789 --> 00:41:38,873
We're on our third kid.

903
00:41:38,957 --> 00:41:42,419
I still don't know
how to collapse the stroller.

904
00:41:42,460 --> 00:41:43,753
No idea.

905
00:41:43,795 --> 00:41:44,879
I look at a stroller

906
00:41:44,921 --> 00:41:48,675
the way a dog would
if you told him to do origami.

907
00:41:50,301 --> 00:41:51,886
I have no idea
how to fold up the stroller.

908
00:41:51,970 --> 00:41:52,971
I'll just, like, wiggle it.

909
00:41:53,054 --> 00:41:54,431
I'll shake it a little bit.

910
00:41:54,514 --> 00:41:56,391
Hey, quick question
for the women here.

911
00:41:56,474 --> 00:41:59,060
Have you ever,
while watching your husband

912
00:41:59,102 --> 00:42:01,938
try to collapse the stroller,
thought to yourself,

913
00:42:02,022 --> 00:42:03,898
I can't believe I ever thought

914
00:42:03,940 --> 00:42:06,776
this man could satisfy me
sexually?

915
00:42:09,070 --> 00:42:11,448
Like, while he's like,
I think I got it.

916
00:42:13,074 --> 00:42:14,159
I almost got it.

917
00:42:14,242 --> 00:42:15,910
Are you like, there's a button?

918
00:42:15,994 --> 00:42:18,413
It's like, no, I think
it's almost there.

919
00:42:18,496 --> 00:42:21,041
Just a few more pumps.

920
00:42:25,128 --> 00:42:26,588
You want to hear
something heartbreaking?

921
00:42:26,629 --> 00:42:29,466
The first time my wife
heard me tell that joke,

922
00:42:29,549 --> 00:42:31,926
hardest she's ever laughed.

923
00:42:35,013 --> 00:42:38,058
She laughed a hurtful amount.

924
00:42:38,141 --> 00:42:41,186
She screamed from the audience,
amen, brother!

925
00:42:43,063 --> 00:42:44,564
Preach!

926
00:42:48,276 --> 00:42:50,945
That's not to say
my wife is perfect.

927
00:42:51,029 --> 00:42:54,366
There are a few things I would
change about her as well.

928
00:42:54,449 --> 00:42:56,159
If I could change
something about my wife,

929
00:42:56,242 --> 00:42:58,161
I would try to
improve her skills

930
00:42:58,244 --> 00:43:00,372
as a directional speaker.

931
00:43:00,455 --> 00:43:02,290
My wife says
important things to me

932
00:43:02,332 --> 00:43:04,167
all the time
with her back to me

933
00:43:04,209 --> 00:43:07,504
while she's walking out
of the room

934
00:43:07,545 --> 00:43:10,548
without raising her voice
at all.

935
00:43:10,632 --> 00:43:13,009
She'll say things like,
the gas company was here today.

936
00:43:13,051 --> 00:43:15,929
They say there's a toxic--

937
00:43:19,182 --> 00:43:21,142
So we have this fight all the
time where she'll be like,

938
00:43:21,184 --> 00:43:24,270
remember, we're having dinner
with the Harrises in an hour.

939
00:43:24,354 --> 00:43:26,147
And I'm like,
when did you tell me that?

940
00:43:26,189 --> 00:43:30,276
And she's like, Monday, when I
whispered it into the mailbox.

941
00:43:34,197 --> 00:43:36,199
Another thing I would
change about my wife

942
00:43:36,282 --> 00:43:39,327
is her caffeinated beverage
of choice.

943
00:43:39,369 --> 00:43:43,289
My wife's caffeinated beverage
of choice is a matcha latte.

944
00:43:43,373 --> 00:43:46,501
If you don't know what that is,
I'll tell you what it's not--

945
00:43:46,543 --> 00:43:50,130
available at the coffee place
you are going to.

946
00:43:52,799 --> 00:43:54,259
It's such a rude thing
to ask for

947
00:43:54,342 --> 00:43:55,385
when someone's like,
we're getting coffee,

948
00:43:55,468 --> 00:43:56,428
what do you want?

949
00:43:56,511 --> 00:43:57,554
It would be like
if you're like,

950
00:43:57,595 --> 00:43:58,888
hey, we're ordering pizza.
Can we get you anything?

951
00:43:58,972 --> 00:44:01,057
A quiche Lorraine.

952
00:44:07,397 --> 00:44:08,523
They're not gonna have that.

953
00:44:08,565 --> 00:44:09,524
It doesn't hurt to ask.

954
00:44:09,607 --> 00:44:10,734
It does hurt to ask.

955
00:44:10,775 --> 00:44:12,610
I don't want to look
like a lunatic.

956
00:44:15,321 --> 00:44:18,199
I think my wife likes
matcha lattes

957
00:44:18,241 --> 00:44:20,243
because they are hard to get.

958
00:44:20,285 --> 00:44:23,496
And the reason I say that
is my wife's love language

959
00:44:23,580 --> 00:44:24,998
is acts of service.

960
00:44:25,081 --> 00:44:26,332
Do you guys know

961
00:44:26,416 --> 00:44:28,793
the concept of love languages?

962
00:44:31,588 --> 00:44:33,340
Here's the concept
of love languages

963
00:44:33,423 --> 00:44:34,341
for those of you who don't know.

964
00:44:34,424 --> 00:44:35,425
There are five love languages.

965
00:44:35,508 --> 00:44:37,510
This is how people receive love.

966
00:44:37,594 --> 00:44:39,179
There's acts of service,

967
00:44:39,262 --> 00:44:41,765
touch, quality time,

968
00:44:41,848 --> 00:44:44,184
gifts,
and words of encouragement.

969
00:44:44,267 --> 00:44:46,603
And, guys, I don't know
who came up with this list.

970
00:44:46,686 --> 00:44:48,938
All I know is that
their love language

971
00:44:48,980 --> 00:44:52,067
is definitely acts of service,

972
00:44:52,108 --> 00:44:54,486
because this is
the biggest scam ever

973
00:44:54,569 --> 00:44:57,405
that acts of service

974
00:44:57,489 --> 00:44:58,990
is lumped on this list

975
00:44:59,074 --> 00:45:01,701
with the other four
reasonable things.

976
00:45:03,870 --> 00:45:06,289
Here's life if your love
language is touch

977
00:45:06,331 --> 00:45:08,166
and your wife
is acts of service.

978
00:45:08,249 --> 00:45:10,168
When I get home,
I would like a hug.

979
00:45:10,251 --> 00:45:13,171
I need you to fix the boiler.

980
00:45:16,424 --> 00:45:18,468
Quality time.
Want to go for a walk?

981
00:45:18,551 --> 00:45:22,138
Yeah, after you clean out
the gutters.

982
00:45:22,222 --> 00:45:26,059
It's like if an airline's
loyalty program was like,

983
00:45:26,142 --> 00:45:28,728
we have gold, platinum, silver.

984
00:45:28,812 --> 00:45:31,690
And when we land,
you clean the plane.

985
00:45:36,069 --> 00:45:37,445
This is all--
what I've been doing

986
00:45:37,487 --> 00:45:40,407
is all a very good example
of how it is hard

987
00:45:40,490 --> 00:45:41,658
to be married to a comedian.

988
00:45:41,741 --> 00:45:43,743
I just get to come up here
and tell you guys

989
00:45:43,827 --> 00:45:45,745
what I'm thinking
about my marriage.

990
00:45:45,829 --> 00:45:49,499
And so, yes, it is hard
to be married to a comedian.

991
00:45:49,541 --> 00:45:51,334
But, guys,
it's also very hard to be

992
00:45:51,418 --> 00:45:55,505
a comedian who is married.

993
00:45:55,547 --> 00:45:57,173
And what I mean by that
is when you're married,

994
00:45:57,257 --> 00:45:59,134
the right thing to do
when you're having an argument

995
00:45:59,217 --> 00:46:01,302
is always say the thing
that will most quickly

996
00:46:01,344 --> 00:46:02,846
deescalate the situation.

997
00:46:02,929 --> 00:46:03,888
But when you're a comedian,

998
00:46:03,972 --> 00:46:07,058
those aren't the things
that pop into your head.

999
00:46:07,142 --> 00:46:09,394
When you're a comedian
in the middle of an argument,

1000
00:46:09,477 --> 00:46:11,521
all you ever think is
this is a funny thing

1001
00:46:11,563 --> 00:46:13,982
I could say
that will make it worse.

1002
00:46:17,569 --> 00:46:19,529
Here's an example,
a recent example.

1003
00:46:19,571 --> 00:46:21,865
My boys love superheroes,
and they're always asking me

1004
00:46:21,948 --> 00:46:22,907
questions about superheroes.

1005
00:46:22,991 --> 00:46:23,992
They'll say,
who would win a fight

1006
00:46:24,075 --> 00:46:25,702
between Batman and Spider-Man?

1007
00:46:25,785 --> 00:46:27,370
Who's stronger,
the Hulk or Thor?

1008
00:46:27,412 --> 00:46:28,371
And the other day, they said,

1009
00:46:28,455 --> 00:46:31,833
who's faster,
Superman or the Flash?

1010
00:46:31,875 --> 00:46:33,877
And that's an age-old
comic book question.

1011
00:46:33,918 --> 00:46:35,670
I was so proud of them
for even coming up with it.

1012
00:46:35,712 --> 00:46:37,672
And I said, you know what,
let me check on YouTube.

1013
00:46:37,714 --> 00:46:39,507
And sure enough, there
was a three-minute clip

1014
00:46:39,549 --> 00:46:42,052
from a "Justice League" cartoon
of Superman racing the Flash.

1015
00:46:42,093 --> 00:46:43,803
And I said, you know what,
let's watch it.

1016
00:46:43,887 --> 00:46:45,055
Now, the important part
of this story

1017
00:46:45,096 --> 00:46:47,307
is our kids do not have
a lot of screen time.

1018
00:46:47,390 --> 00:46:48,558
I don't say that to be like,

1019
00:46:48,600 --> 00:46:50,060
we're better parents
than anyone here.

1020
00:46:50,143 --> 00:46:52,354
I just mean that our kids will
turn out better than yours.

1021
00:46:52,437 --> 00:46:53,938
So--

1022
00:46:55,106 --> 00:46:56,483
I got one boy on each knee.

1023
00:46:56,566 --> 00:46:58,234
And I got my phone out,
and we're watching

1024
00:46:58,276 --> 00:46:59,694
Superman race the Flash.

1025
00:46:59,736 --> 00:47:01,905
And my wife walks in, and
she says, what are you doing?

1026
00:47:01,946 --> 00:47:04,407
And I say, we're watching
Superman race the Flash.

1027
00:47:04,491 --> 00:47:05,909
And she says, a cartoon?

1028
00:47:05,950 --> 00:47:06,910
And I couldn't help myself.

1029
00:47:06,993 --> 00:47:10,330
And I said, no, the real guys.

1030
00:47:14,668 --> 00:47:15,752
Isn't that crazy?

1031
00:47:15,794 --> 00:47:17,420
They got the real guys.

1032
00:47:17,504 --> 00:47:19,089
And they weren't even
trying to get the real--

1033
00:47:19,130 --> 00:47:22,384
it was, like, a nature crew
documentary in the desert.

1034
00:47:22,467 --> 00:47:24,260
And then they saw this, like,
blue and red voom, voom.

1035
00:47:24,302 --> 00:47:25,428
And they were like,
did we just--

1036
00:47:25,470 --> 00:47:27,764
I mean, she'd left the room.

1037
00:47:27,806 --> 00:47:30,016
She'd walked out being like,
I can't believe my mom says

1038
00:47:30,100 --> 00:47:32,143
I got to be nice to this--

1039
00:47:37,440 --> 00:47:39,693
Here's another recent example.

1040
00:47:39,776 --> 00:47:43,029
We were going on vacation, and
we were leaving New York City.

1041
00:47:43,113 --> 00:47:44,614
And we were going
through security.

1042
00:47:44,656 --> 00:47:48,618
And the TSA agent
found a tub of hummus

1043
00:47:48,660 --> 00:47:51,746
in my wife's carry-on.

1044
00:47:51,830 --> 00:47:53,206
And they took it out,
and they said,

1045
00:47:53,289 --> 00:47:55,375
you can't bring hummus
on the plane.

1046
00:47:55,458 --> 00:47:59,629
And my wife said, I've brought
hummus on the plane before,

1047
00:47:59,671 --> 00:48:04,467
which was less convincing
than she thought it would be.

1048
00:48:04,551 --> 00:48:05,635
Because their answer
to that was

1049
00:48:05,719 --> 00:48:07,971
you can't bring hummus
on the plane.

1050
00:48:08,054 --> 00:48:10,306
And my wife said,
but it's not a liquid.

1051
00:48:10,390 --> 00:48:13,393
And they said,
it's also not a solid.

1052
00:48:17,063 --> 00:48:19,274
And it turns out,
in cases like this,

1053
00:48:19,315 --> 00:48:22,152
the tie goes to the TSA agent.

1054
00:48:25,196 --> 00:48:27,490
And look,
I was on my wife's side.

1055
00:48:27,574 --> 00:48:29,534
I mean, everybody's
bringing hummus on planes.

1056
00:48:29,617 --> 00:48:32,662
Why are they singling her out?

1057
00:48:32,704 --> 00:48:34,497
Every time you go on a plane
these days,

1058
00:48:34,581 --> 00:48:38,293
you walk down the aisle,
five, seven tubs of hummus.

1059
00:48:44,007 --> 00:48:45,425
But they took her hummus.

1060
00:48:45,508 --> 00:48:47,802
And then we were walking
and she was upset.

1061
00:48:47,886 --> 00:48:49,262
And she said to me,
can you believe that?

1062
00:48:49,346 --> 00:48:50,472
And I said, no,

1063
00:48:50,555 --> 00:48:53,558
but I didn't say which part
I hadn't believed.

1064
00:48:57,896 --> 00:49:01,191
I'd been honest
without being truthful.

1065
00:49:01,232 --> 00:49:02,817
And that would be the end
of that story,

1066
00:49:02,901 --> 00:49:04,486
but we had to fly back
to New York.

1067
00:49:04,569 --> 00:49:07,197
And on the way back,
my wife stopped on the way

1068
00:49:07,280 --> 00:49:11,201
to the airport at a Whole Foods
and bought a tub of hummus,

1069
00:49:11,284 --> 00:49:13,370
same size,
if not even a little bit bigger.

1070
00:49:13,411 --> 00:49:15,830
And they found it again.

1071
00:49:15,914 --> 00:49:17,874
This time, they found it
in the Whole Foods bag,

1072
00:49:17,916 --> 00:49:21,419
which is what you call
asking for it.

1073
00:49:21,503 --> 00:49:24,339
And they pulled it out,
and they said to my wife,

1074
00:49:24,422 --> 00:49:25,882
you can't bring hummus
on the plane.

1075
00:49:25,965 --> 00:49:29,719
And she said, I've brought
hummus on the plane before,

1076
00:49:29,761 --> 00:49:31,680
conveniently leaving out
what had happened

1077
00:49:31,763 --> 00:49:34,683
the most recent before.

1078
00:49:34,766 --> 00:49:36,059
And still,
they took her hummus.

1079
00:49:36,101 --> 00:49:37,686
And then we walked through.

1080
00:49:37,727 --> 00:49:40,021
And we were walking,
and I could tell she was upset.

1081
00:49:40,105 --> 00:49:43,233
And I knew
I shouldn't say anything.

1082
00:49:43,274 --> 00:49:46,319
I knew the right path forward
was just to keep my mouth shut,

1083
00:49:46,403 --> 00:49:47,654
but I couldn't help myself.

1084
00:49:47,737 --> 00:49:49,155
And I turned to her
with a big smile

1085
00:49:49,239 --> 00:49:52,617
and said, well,
you'll get them next time.

1086
00:49:58,581 --> 00:50:01,543
She is here tonight,
by the way.

1087
00:50:05,505 --> 00:50:08,466
She's not here.

1088
00:50:14,305 --> 00:50:16,808
Are you crazy?

1089
00:50:16,891 --> 00:50:19,060
She's here, and I'm gonna
tell the hummus story

1090
00:50:19,102 --> 00:50:21,771
we haven't talked about since?

1091
00:50:26,276 --> 00:50:27,652
I'll tell you this.

1092
00:50:27,736 --> 00:50:29,112
I know my wife.

1093
00:50:29,195 --> 00:50:30,905
She's a substantial woman.

1094
00:50:30,989 --> 00:50:32,073
She's got grit.

1095
00:50:32,115 --> 00:50:33,199
She's got determination.

1096
00:50:33,283 --> 00:50:36,786
The next time we fly,
she's getting hummus on a plane.

1097
00:50:36,870 --> 00:50:38,455
I believe in her.

1098
00:50:38,538 --> 00:50:40,457
I believe she's gonna
get hummus on the plane.

1099
00:50:40,498 --> 00:50:41,958
She's gonna go to the airport.

1100
00:50:42,042 --> 00:50:44,461
She's gonna unzip her carry-on,
and she's gonna take out a bag

1101
00:50:44,502 --> 00:50:48,798
of chickpeas and a muddler.

1102
00:50:48,840 --> 00:50:50,759
And she's gonna look
that TSA agent in the eye

1103
00:50:50,842 --> 00:50:52,427
and be like,
officer, I think everything

1104
00:50:52,469 --> 00:50:55,096
here is legal and above board.

1105
00:50:55,138 --> 00:50:59,726
And they're just gonna nod
'cause they know they've lost.

1106
00:50:59,809 --> 00:51:01,561
And then in deference
to her victory,

1107
00:51:01,644 --> 00:51:03,313
all of the TSA in the airport

1108
00:51:03,355 --> 00:51:05,815
is gonna stand to make a gate
for her to walk through.

1109
00:51:05,899 --> 00:51:11,363
They're gonna hold up their
magnetic wands like swords.

1110
00:51:11,446 --> 00:51:13,448
And she's gonna walk
through the airport

1111
00:51:13,490 --> 00:51:15,033
underneath the magnetic wands.

1112
00:51:15,116 --> 00:51:16,701
And passengers are
gonna scream her name

1113
00:51:16,785 --> 00:51:21,039
and throw pita chips at
her feet like rose petals.

1114
00:51:21,122 --> 00:51:22,540
And then she's gonna
get on the plane,

1115
00:51:22,624 --> 00:51:24,042
and we're gonna sit down.

1116
00:51:24,125 --> 00:51:25,710
And she's gonna finish
making her concoction,

1117
00:51:25,794 --> 00:51:27,337
and she's gonna say to the kids,
who wants hummus?

1118
00:51:27,420 --> 00:51:29,923
And they're all gonna say,
we hate hummus.

1119
00:51:33,718 --> 00:51:36,721
And I'm gonna whisper,
don't care for.

1120
00:51:50,193 --> 00:51:51,945
So my kids have never
watched my show,

1121
00:51:52,028 --> 00:51:54,614
but I recently brought my kids
to the show

1122
00:51:54,698 --> 00:51:56,658
because we had our
tenth anniversary show,

1123
00:51:56,700 --> 00:51:58,785
and we had President Joe Biden
on the show.

1124
00:51:58,868 --> 00:52:00,995
Thank you. Very kind.

1125
00:52:01,079 --> 00:52:02,372
We had President Biden
on the show.

1126
00:52:02,455 --> 00:52:03,707
And I thought, you know what?

1127
00:52:03,748 --> 00:52:06,668
When's the next time I'm gonna
have my kids be in the position

1128
00:52:06,751 --> 00:52:08,044
to meet the president?

1129
00:52:08,128 --> 00:52:09,713
And, you know, I might not
want them to meet the next one.

1130
00:52:09,796 --> 00:52:12,882
So I said,
you know what, let's--

1131
00:52:12,924 --> 00:52:15,218
let's bring the kids in
to meet the president.

1132
00:52:15,260 --> 00:52:17,387
And the best thing
about watching my kids

1133
00:52:17,429 --> 00:52:20,390
meet the president is not
how the president behaved,

1134
00:52:20,432 --> 00:52:22,892
but rather how
each of my children

1135
00:52:22,934 --> 00:52:25,186
acted differently based
on their personality.

1136
00:52:25,228 --> 00:52:27,605
First up was my oldest,
and my oldest is just--

1137
00:52:27,689 --> 00:52:29,566
he's the sweetest boy
in the world,

1138
00:52:29,649 --> 00:52:30,734
and he's just trying so hard.

1139
00:52:30,817 --> 00:52:32,944
Like a lot of oldest siblings,
he just wants to be

1140
00:52:33,028 --> 00:52:34,112
the best kid he can be.

1141
00:52:34,195 --> 00:52:35,905
So anyway,
he picked out his outfit,

1142
00:52:35,989 --> 00:52:37,907
and he wore his nicest clothes
from his picture day.

1143
00:52:37,949 --> 00:52:39,576
And he just walked
into the room,

1144
00:52:39,659 --> 00:52:41,077
and he was like, hello,
Mr. President, my name is Ashe.

1145
00:52:41,161 --> 00:52:42,203
Nice to meet you.

1146
00:52:42,287 --> 00:52:43,913
And I was just so proud of him.

1147
00:52:43,997 --> 00:52:47,334
Like, my heart broke at how
wonderfully he had performed.

1148
00:52:47,417 --> 00:52:49,085
Next up was my middle son.

1149
00:52:49,127 --> 00:52:52,547
He was born in the lobby
of an apartment building

1150
00:52:52,589 --> 00:52:54,549
and behaves like it
every day of his life.

1151
00:52:54,591 --> 00:52:57,385
I don't--can't quite explain
what that is.

1152
00:52:57,427 --> 00:52:59,095
I just know that even if
you didn't know who he was,

1153
00:52:59,179 --> 00:53:00,680
if you saw him across the room,
you'd be like,

1154
00:53:00,764 --> 00:53:03,516
I think that one
was born in a lobby.

1155
00:53:03,600 --> 00:53:06,061
He picked out
his outfit as well.

1156
00:53:06,144 --> 00:53:11,441
He wore a train conductor's
jacket and a pair of Ray-Bans.

1157
00:53:11,483 --> 00:53:14,486
And he literally danced
into the room.

1158
00:53:14,569 --> 00:53:15,779
And when he danced
into the room,

1159
00:53:15,820 --> 00:53:16,780
my oldest was so embarrassed.

1160
00:53:16,821 --> 00:53:18,490
He, like, cocked his fist back.

1161
00:53:18,573 --> 00:53:20,158
And then he remembered
that earlier that morning,

1162
00:53:20,241 --> 00:53:21,910
I told him
he had good handwriting,

1163
00:53:21,993 --> 00:53:23,495
and he was like--

1164
00:53:28,416 --> 00:53:30,919
So my middle dances in the room
and just starts singing.

1165
00:53:31,002 --> 00:53:34,130
♪ Joe Biden, Joe Biden,
Joe Biden ♪

1166
00:53:34,214 --> 00:53:35,507
And he gets right next to him,

1167
00:53:35,590 --> 00:53:37,801
and he screams
in the president's face.

1168
00:53:37,842 --> 00:53:41,680
You're my "fave-whit"
"pwesident!"

1169
00:53:41,763 --> 00:53:43,723
And Joe Biden was so taken aback

1170
00:53:43,807 --> 00:53:44,974
because I don't even think
Joe Biden

1171
00:53:45,058 --> 00:53:47,686
is Joe Biden's
favorite president.

1172
00:53:51,898 --> 00:53:54,275
He looked at me like, have
you not told him about Obama?

1173
00:53:54,359 --> 00:53:55,652
Because he would--

1174
00:53:55,694 --> 00:53:58,029
if he likes me,
he would love Obama.

1175
00:54:01,199 --> 00:54:03,493
And then the best, though,
was my daughter,

1176
00:54:03,535 --> 00:54:04,786
Addie, two and a half.

1177
00:54:04,828 --> 00:54:07,122
And the president was
incredible with her.

1178
00:54:07,205 --> 00:54:10,417
It was really something to see,
his sweetness.

1179
00:54:10,500 --> 00:54:13,503
He sat on the couch so that
he was at eye level with her.

1180
00:54:13,545 --> 00:54:15,839
And she walked over,
and he reached into a bag.

1181
00:54:15,880 --> 00:54:20,010
And he pulled out a stuffed
Commander, the White House dog.

1182
00:54:20,093 --> 00:54:22,971
And he didn't know this,
but in January,

1183
00:54:23,054 --> 00:54:24,180
I had gone to the White House,

1184
00:54:24,222 --> 00:54:26,516
and I had left
with three stuffed Commanders,

1185
00:54:26,599 --> 00:54:28,309
and I had given them
to my children.

1186
00:54:28,351 --> 00:54:31,521
But he reached into the bag,
and he held it out to Addie.

1187
00:54:31,563 --> 00:54:35,108
And he went like,.

1188
00:54:42,282 --> 00:54:43,992
He said, I got this for you.

1189
00:54:44,075 --> 00:54:46,286
And she just looked at it,
and then she looked at him

1190
00:54:46,369 --> 00:54:48,455
and said, I got that.

1191
00:54:52,250 --> 00:54:53,376
And he said,
you have one of these?

1192
00:54:53,460 --> 00:54:55,462
And she goes,
yeah, I got that at home.

1193
00:54:57,714 --> 00:54:58,882
And he's just holding it.

1194
00:54:58,923 --> 00:55:00,550
And he goes,
you want another one?

1195
00:55:00,592 --> 00:55:02,802
And she goes, no.

1196
00:55:05,722 --> 00:55:08,725
And I've been so worried
about that interaction all day

1197
00:55:08,767 --> 00:55:10,852
because my daughter is
a huge Trump supporter,

1198
00:55:10,894 --> 00:55:14,022
and--and not on social issues.

1199
00:55:14,105 --> 00:55:16,566
It's all tax stuff with her.

1200
00:55:16,608 --> 00:55:18,068
She's NATO.

1201
00:55:18,151 --> 00:55:19,694
She feels like the NATO
countries don't pay enough.

1202
00:55:19,736 --> 00:55:22,447
Don't get into it with her
if you see her.

1203
00:55:24,532 --> 00:55:25,450
I have a weird thing happening,

1204
00:55:25,533 --> 00:55:28,244
which is I grew up
in the suburbs.

1205
00:55:28,286 --> 00:55:30,413
All I ever wanted to do
was live in New York City.

1206
00:55:30,497 --> 00:55:32,207
My kids live in New York City.

1207
00:55:32,248 --> 00:55:34,250
All they want to do
is live in the suburbs.

1208
00:55:34,334 --> 00:55:35,543
Like, we visit my parents.

1209
00:55:35,585 --> 00:55:37,212
My parents live
in the same house

1210
00:55:37,295 --> 00:55:39,214
I grew up in in a nondescript
New Hampshire suburb.

1211
00:55:39,255 --> 00:55:41,091
And every time we leave,
my kids are basically like,

1212
00:55:41,132 --> 00:55:45,970
when are you gonna make enough
money to buy a house like this?

1213
00:55:46,054 --> 00:55:48,515
Because we live in New York,
and nothing about New York

1214
00:55:48,598 --> 00:55:49,933
makes sense to kids.

1215
00:55:49,974 --> 00:55:52,602
There's none of the appeal
of New York appeals to them.

1216
00:55:52,686 --> 00:55:54,521
They're never like, well, sure,
Grandma and Grandpa

1217
00:55:54,604 --> 00:55:58,817
have a front and back yard,
but we can walk to the theater!

1218
00:56:03,655 --> 00:56:05,073
I have one of those
New York City apartments,

1219
00:56:05,156 --> 00:56:06,241
if you ever lived in New York,
you'd be like,

1220
00:56:06,324 --> 00:56:07,242
this is a great apartment.

1221
00:56:07,325 --> 00:56:08,243
If you lived anywhere else
in the world,

1222
00:56:08,326 --> 00:56:11,371
you'd be like, I guess so.

1223
00:56:11,454 --> 00:56:14,124
Here are some of the features
about my very expensive

1224
00:56:14,207 --> 00:56:15,458
New York City apartment.

1225
00:56:15,500 --> 00:56:16,751
It's never fully dark.

1226
00:56:16,793 --> 00:56:18,420
It's never fully quiet.

1227
00:56:18,503 --> 00:56:19,963
We live near a university,

1228
00:56:20,005 --> 00:56:21,673
so every other night
at 1:00 in the morning,

1229
00:56:21,756 --> 00:56:23,425
you hear someone yell
something like,

1230
00:56:23,508 --> 00:56:26,928
Krista says
she'll meet us there!

1231
00:56:31,391 --> 00:56:34,519
And whoever the Krista news
is being yelled at

1232
00:56:34,602 --> 00:56:35,854
does not hear it the first time.

1233
00:56:35,937 --> 00:56:39,691
So they're like,
Krista's not with us!

1234
00:56:39,774 --> 00:56:41,443
And so then the first person
has to be like,

1235
00:56:41,484 --> 00:56:43,820
no, Krista says
she'll meet us there!

1236
00:56:43,903 --> 00:56:46,322
And it takes everything in my
power not to open up the window

1237
00:56:46,364 --> 00:56:51,161
and be like, you guys,
Krista's dead!

1238
00:56:51,244 --> 00:56:52,912
Krista died.

1239
00:56:52,996 --> 00:56:56,207
It's, like, so sad, you guys,
but she's dead.

1240
00:57:01,004 --> 00:57:02,339
Do we have heat
in our apartment?

1241
00:57:02,422 --> 00:57:04,341
Yeah, we have exposed radiators.

1242
00:57:04,382 --> 00:57:05,508
And the best thing
about them is

1243
00:57:05,550 --> 00:57:07,344
they're so hot
that when you touch it,

1244
00:57:07,427 --> 00:57:08,345
you don't burn yourself.

1245
00:57:08,428 --> 00:57:10,680
You just die.

1246
00:57:10,764 --> 00:57:14,351
They're like lava that way,

1247
00:57:14,434 --> 00:57:16,394
I think.

1248
00:57:18,438 --> 00:57:20,190
I've been told
our radiators are the feature

1249
00:57:20,273 --> 00:57:21,483
of a prewar building.

1250
00:57:21,524 --> 00:57:24,986
I'm not sure which war
they were talking about.

1251
00:57:25,070 --> 00:57:26,988
They're not the only
prewar feature

1252
00:57:27,072 --> 00:57:28,740
in our apartment building.

1253
00:57:28,823 --> 00:57:31,242
We also have a neighbor
across the hall

1254
00:57:31,326 --> 00:57:34,704
who could definitely find
Prussia on a map.

1255
00:57:39,417 --> 00:57:42,003
And much like Prussia
after World War II,

1256
00:57:42,087 --> 00:57:45,173
she also doesn't
have boundaries.

1257
00:57:49,928 --> 00:57:51,096
The other day,
I was trying to get

1258
00:57:51,179 --> 00:57:52,389
my son out the door to school.

1259
00:57:52,472 --> 00:57:53,848
And I got him into the hallway,

1260
00:57:53,890 --> 00:57:55,642
and he was just having
one of those rough mornings

1261
00:57:55,725 --> 00:57:56,726
that kids have.

1262
00:57:56,810 --> 00:57:57,852
And I got him in the hallway,

1263
00:57:57,936 --> 00:58:00,355
and then he sort of wrestled
his way free of me,

1264
00:58:00,397 --> 00:58:01,898
and he ran into the apartment.

1265
00:58:01,981 --> 00:58:04,984
And then I chased him in
with his shoes in my hand,

1266
00:58:05,068 --> 00:58:06,528
and I left the door open.

1267
00:58:06,569 --> 00:58:08,029
And I finally managed
to get him in a chair.

1268
00:58:08,071 --> 00:58:09,197
And I'm trying to
get his shoes on.

1269
00:58:09,239 --> 00:58:10,907
And I'm upset, and he's crying.

1270
00:58:10,990 --> 00:58:12,409
And we're just having
a really bad morning.

1271
00:58:12,492 --> 00:58:13,576
And then, all of a sudden,
we hear--

1272
00:58:13,660 --> 00:58:16,955
♪ Hush, little baby ♪

1273
00:58:19,624 --> 00:58:21,918
♪ Don't say a word ♪

1274
00:58:21,960 --> 00:58:25,088
And we turn around,
and our neighbor has just

1275
00:58:25,171 --> 00:58:28,425
wandered through the open door
into our apartment,

1276
00:58:28,466 --> 00:58:31,094
wearing a nightgown the color
of which I would describe

1277
00:58:31,136 --> 00:58:34,305
as Victorian apparition.

1278
00:58:38,435 --> 00:58:42,480
Ghost of girl who drowned
in town well.

1279
00:58:44,816 --> 00:58:46,109
And I love that she
was in her apartment,

1280
00:58:46,192 --> 00:58:47,569
and she heard a kid crying,
and she goes,

1281
00:58:47,652 --> 00:58:50,280
I know what calms kids down,

1282
00:58:50,363 --> 00:58:54,200
the haunted nursery rhymes they
sing in horror movie trailers.

1283
00:58:57,662 --> 00:58:59,622
But there is a very happy ending
to that story,

1284
00:58:59,706 --> 00:59:01,249
and it's what I'm gonna
leave you with,

1285
00:59:01,291 --> 00:59:03,960
because in that moment
when our neighbor walked in,

1286
00:59:04,002 --> 00:59:07,130
my son and I locked eyes.

1287
00:59:07,213 --> 00:59:11,092
And I realized he was thinking
the exact same thing

1288
00:59:11,176 --> 00:59:12,719
that I was thinking.

1289
00:59:12,802 --> 00:59:14,804
Because he looked at her,
and then he looked at me,

1290
00:59:14,888 --> 00:59:19,726
and he said, fuck this.

1291
00:59:19,809 --> 00:59:22,729
And I said, you just paid
for college, buddy!

1292
00:59:22,812 --> 00:59:25,523
Thank you so much, Chicago!

1293
00:59:25,607 --> 00:59:28,526
Have a great night!

1294
00:59:31,613 --> 00:59:36,826
<i>♪ ♪</i>

1295
00:59:36,868 --> 00:59:39,329
<i>- ♪ I met Vanessa out</i>
<i>in front of her building ♪</i>

1296
00:59:39,371 --> 00:59:42,999
<i>♪ She was vague</i>
<i>and dazed and drowning ♪</i>

1297
00:59:43,041 --> 00:59:44,542
<i>♪ She says</i>
<i>she's got a new man ♪</i>

1298
00:59:44,626 --> 00:59:46,378
<i>♪ And he's in a new band ♪</i>

1299
00:59:46,461 --> 00:59:49,839
<i>♪ And they got a new sound ♪</i>

1300
00:59:49,923 --> 00:59:53,009
<i>♪ I said, hardcore is in</i>
<i>the eye of the beholder ♪</i>

1301
00:59:53,051 --> 00:59:56,346
<i>♪ I got a broken heart</i>
<i>from 1989 ♪</i>

1302
00:59:56,429 --> 00:59:59,891
<i>♪ I was holding my head</i>
<i>in my hands from the heat ♪</i>