1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:06,256 --> 00:00:09,050 [crowd cheering] 3 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 4 00:00:09,134 --> 00:00:12,178 ["Sunday Best" by Surfaces playing] 5 00:00:18,518 --> 00:00:22,731 Please welcome my daddy, Nate Bargatze! 6 00:00:22,814 --> 00:00:25,775 ♪ Feeling good, like I should ♪ 7 00:00:25,859 --> 00:00:26,943 [crowd cheering] 8 00:00:27,027 --> 00:00:30,947 ♪ Went and took a walk Around the neighborhood ♪ 9 00:00:31,031 --> 00:00:34,576 ♪ Feeling blessed, never stressed ♪ 10 00:00:35,326 --> 00:00:39,873 ♪ Got that sunshine On my Sunday best, yeah… ♪ 11 00:00:40,457 --> 00:00:41,416 I love you. 12 00:00:41,499 --> 00:00:44,294 ♪ Every day can be a better day Despite the challenge ♪ 13 00:00:44,377 --> 00:00:48,631 ♪ All you gotta do is leave it Better than you found it ♪ 14 00:00:48,715 --> 00:00:52,802 ♪ It's gonna get difficult to stand But hold your balance ♪ 15 00:00:52,886 --> 00:00:57,057 ♪ I just say whatever 'Cause there is no way around it ♪ 16 00:00:57,140 --> 00:00:58,224 Thank you. 17 00:00:58,975 --> 00:01:00,018 Thank you. 18 00:01:00,101 --> 00:01:02,353 [crowd cheering] 19 00:01:02,437 --> 00:01:04,439 Phoenix, thank you so much. 20 00:01:06,399 --> 00:01:07,734 That was so good. 21 00:01:08,526 --> 00:01:10,111 [crowd continues cheering] 22 00:01:10,195 --> 00:01:11,237 [Nate] Thanks. 23 00:01:12,405 --> 00:01:13,323 Thank you. 24 00:01:17,744 --> 00:01:19,245 [cheering continues] 25 00:01:20,205 --> 00:01:22,707 Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. 26 00:01:23,541 --> 00:01:24,417 Thank you. 27 00:01:25,043 --> 00:01:26,669 That's very nice. 28 00:01:26,753 --> 00:01:28,088 [crowd whooping] 29 00:01:28,171 --> 00:01:30,173 This is it. We're doing it. 30 00:01:30,256 --> 00:01:31,508 Uh… 31 00:01:35,929 --> 00:01:36,805 So… 32 00:01:40,100 --> 00:01:41,142 My… I love… 33 00:01:41,226 --> 00:01:43,353 Look, I love doing stand-up comedy. 34 00:01:43,436 --> 00:01:44,312 I love it. 35 00:01:44,395 --> 00:01:48,858 And the job I had, the last serious job, 36 00:01:48,942 --> 00:01:52,028 the job I will go back to when all this falls apart… 37 00:01:52,112 --> 00:01:54,364 [crowd laughing] 38 00:01:54,447 --> 00:01:56,282 I was a water meter reader. 39 00:01:57,283 --> 00:01:58,868 [scattered cheering] 40 00:01:58,952 --> 00:01:59,786 Thank you. 41 00:02:03,414 --> 00:02:04,958 This job was… 42 00:02:05,041 --> 00:02:08,378 The title was the description of what you do. 43 00:02:08,461 --> 00:02:10,463 [crowd laughing] 44 00:02:12,173 --> 00:02:14,259 People would ask, I'd go, "I'm a water meter reader." 45 00:02:14,342 --> 00:02:15,385 "Yeah, what's that?" 46 00:02:15,468 --> 00:02:17,387 Let me tell you what it is, all right? 47 00:02:19,681 --> 00:02:22,308 We're going to read water meters. That's the… 48 00:02:22,809 --> 00:02:24,561 That's 100% of the job. 49 00:02:29,357 --> 00:02:33,570 So back when I did it, it was in Wilson County, Mt. Juliet, Tennessee. 50 00:02:35,488 --> 00:02:38,908 And so, back when I did it, I would have to park the truck, 51 00:02:38,992 --> 00:02:40,451 and like get out in the neighborhood. 52 00:02:40,535 --> 00:02:41,828 Like, run through a neighborhood, 53 00:02:41,911 --> 00:02:44,956 and type in how much water every house uses. 54 00:02:45,039 --> 00:02:48,960 So it's 2001. Obviously, 9/11 happens. 55 00:02:49,043 --> 00:02:51,921 If you're old enough, you remember when 9/11 happened, 56 00:02:52,005 --> 00:02:56,134 the whole country got very scared there was going to be more attacks. 57 00:02:56,217 --> 00:02:57,552 Well, we did as well 58 00:02:58,344 --> 00:02:59,596 in Wilson County. 59 00:03:02,182 --> 00:03:03,141 We figured, 60 00:03:03,975 --> 00:03:06,269 they just went to New York, obvious next stop, 61 00:03:06,352 --> 00:03:07,979 Mt. Juliet, Tennessee. 62 00:03:08,062 --> 00:03:10,565 [crowd laughing] 63 00:03:15,361 --> 00:03:18,156 And they are going to poison our town's water. 64 00:03:22,785 --> 00:03:25,455 So they got all of us water meter readers 65 00:03:26,915 --> 00:03:28,750 to guard the water tanks. 66 00:03:30,668 --> 00:03:32,462 I really did this. I stood… 67 00:03:33,838 --> 00:03:36,591 just in a dark field, alone, 68 00:03:38,801 --> 00:03:40,970 waiting for the Taliban to show up. 69 00:03:48,519 --> 00:03:50,271 No weapons, no training. 70 00:03:55,443 --> 00:03:57,862 They gave us a lantern. A lantern! 71 00:03:59,280 --> 00:04:02,909 That does nothing but shows your body as you hold it up. 72 00:04:06,454 --> 00:04:08,748 I can't see two feet in front of me. 73 00:04:10,500 --> 00:04:14,420 If someone's got a gun, they're like, "Shoot at the only light in that field." 74 00:04:18,049 --> 00:04:21,594 I'm going to put it over my heart to see. I'm like, "What's going on?" 75 00:04:27,725 --> 00:04:29,852 I mean, I think, like, to this day, 76 00:04:30,561 --> 00:04:32,897 I've always said, what did they want us to do? 77 00:04:35,441 --> 00:04:37,694 Call the Mt. Juliet Police? 78 00:04:38,653 --> 00:04:40,321 "Osama is here." 79 00:04:45,368 --> 00:04:47,161 "He got past our lanterns." 80 00:04:54,210 --> 00:04:57,130 "He's in the water tank. He knew how to open that. We were…" 81 00:04:57,922 --> 00:05:00,550 "We were surprised by that, but he knew what he was doing." 82 00:05:09,434 --> 00:05:12,145 My wife was with me when I had that job. 83 00:05:12,228 --> 00:05:14,939 She's been with me way before where we're at right now. 84 00:05:15,023 --> 00:05:19,110 She was in it for the benefits I got at the water company. Uh… 85 00:05:21,529 --> 00:05:22,822 [Nate chuckles] 86 00:05:28,411 --> 00:05:29,454 We have, uh… 87 00:05:29,537 --> 00:05:31,414 So we've been married 17 years. 88 00:05:31,497 --> 00:05:33,124 -[crowd cheering] -Thank you. 89 00:05:38,296 --> 00:05:39,964 And, uh, I know… 90 00:05:40,715 --> 00:05:42,008 You know, the longer I'm married, 91 00:05:42,091 --> 00:05:44,010 the more I realize why she was put in my life. 92 00:05:44,093 --> 00:05:46,471 I would not be here if she was not in my life. 93 00:05:46,554 --> 00:05:47,764 I know all of this. 94 00:05:48,639 --> 00:05:54,103 Now, I've also become very reliant on her because of this. 95 00:05:54,187 --> 00:05:56,105 I don't know anything 96 00:05:56,939 --> 00:05:58,316 about me. Like… 97 00:06:00,151 --> 00:06:02,904 I don't know what I like and don't like to eat. 98 00:06:02,987 --> 00:06:04,989 [crowd laughing] 99 00:06:10,203 --> 00:06:12,246 I mean, someone would be like, "You want to try this?" 100 00:06:12,330 --> 00:06:14,290 And I got to get her involved. 101 00:06:17,460 --> 00:06:19,253 I'm like, "I don't think so." 102 00:06:23,549 --> 00:06:25,635 I don't know how long to microwave something. 103 00:06:25,718 --> 00:06:27,470 I have to ask her every time, 104 00:06:27,553 --> 00:06:30,264 as if her family invented the microwave. 105 00:06:32,600 --> 00:06:34,727 "How long do we microwave this for?" 106 00:06:37,480 --> 00:06:39,399 And she's like, "Do it till it's hot." 107 00:06:44,612 --> 00:06:48,324 It's like, "But I know you know a number. You know, just…" 108 00:06:52,453 --> 00:06:54,288 "Just say the number. I don't…" 109 00:06:56,207 --> 00:06:59,210 "I'm either gonna call my mom, or you're gonna tell me the number." 110 00:07:04,257 --> 00:07:07,301 If she doesn't tell me, I type in 90 minutes and I walk away. 111 00:07:10,930 --> 00:07:12,140 [Nate laughs] 112 00:07:16,018 --> 00:07:17,603 I do do my own laundry. 113 00:07:18,688 --> 00:07:21,649 -[crowd cheering] -Thanks. Thank you. 114 00:07:21,732 --> 00:07:23,651 I think that's what it deserves. 115 00:07:27,864 --> 00:07:30,450 My mom did my dad's laundry growing up, 116 00:07:30,533 --> 00:07:33,953 so I thought all wives do husbands' laundry. 117 00:07:35,329 --> 00:07:37,999 And I've always done my own, and to be honest, 118 00:07:38,082 --> 00:07:41,794 I felt it had been forgotten about over these past 17 years. 119 00:07:43,337 --> 00:07:47,091 The sacrifice I was making that other husbands didn't have to make. 120 00:07:51,804 --> 00:07:55,099 One day, I was driving home and it popped in my head, 121 00:07:55,183 --> 00:07:57,977 and I was like, "All right, I'll bring that up." 122 00:08:06,319 --> 00:08:08,988 I mean, I didn't bring it up that day, you know? 123 00:08:09,071 --> 00:08:11,824 I was like, I'm sure there will be a time 124 00:08:12,867 --> 00:08:14,911 where we'll be in some fight, 125 00:08:15,453 --> 00:08:17,205 I'll be losing this fight… 126 00:08:19,290 --> 00:08:23,002 and then, I mean, I just come, I'm like, "I do my own laundry!" 127 00:08:28,382 --> 00:08:31,052 She's like, "Fight's over!" 128 00:08:32,970 --> 00:08:35,890 "You win. I forgot how good I got it." 129 00:08:47,443 --> 00:08:50,905 So I sit on it for, like, six months, like a long… 130 00:08:50,988 --> 00:08:51,822 [laughs] 131 00:08:54,992 --> 00:08:56,202 We finally get in a fight. 132 00:08:56,285 --> 00:08:58,037 I don't remember what the fight was about. 133 00:08:58,120 --> 00:08:59,288 Nothing. I don't know. 134 00:08:59,372 --> 00:09:01,707 It wasn't laundry. I remember that. 135 00:09:04,293 --> 00:09:06,879 So, I'm losing this fight. 136 00:09:06,963 --> 00:09:09,799 And so, in my head I'm like, "This is it." 137 00:09:12,927 --> 00:09:16,013 I mean, honestly, I was sad to see it go. 138 00:09:16,097 --> 00:09:17,473 That's how good I felt. 139 00:09:19,350 --> 00:09:21,811 I felt bad for her. I mean… 140 00:09:23,187 --> 00:09:25,106 I was like, "She thinks she's winning this fight." 141 00:09:25,189 --> 00:09:27,567 "I'm about to drop a bomb on her right now." 142 00:09:27,650 --> 00:09:29,652 [crowd laughing] 143 00:09:34,407 --> 00:09:36,242 So just out of nowhere, 144 00:09:36,784 --> 00:09:38,828 I just go, "I do my own laundry!" 145 00:09:42,081 --> 00:09:45,293 And I said it like, "They don't make them like this no more." 146 00:09:53,593 --> 00:09:54,719 I was shocked 147 00:09:55,219 --> 00:09:58,097 that it started a second fight I never saw coming. 148 00:09:58,764 --> 00:10:02,268 [crowd laughing, applauding] 149 00:10:09,483 --> 00:10:10,568 [Nate laughs] Thanks. 150 00:10:13,988 --> 00:10:15,823 We do laundry very differently. 151 00:10:17,199 --> 00:10:20,703 She'll read the labels, I'll wash a rug and a suit together. 152 00:10:20,786 --> 00:10:21,829 I'm… 153 00:10:22,705 --> 00:10:23,664 I don't know. 154 00:10:24,915 --> 00:10:27,710 "You wanna put your shoes in there? Put your shoes." 155 00:10:30,630 --> 00:10:33,049 The washing machine's always a foot from the wall 156 00:10:33,132 --> 00:10:34,175 when I get done. 157 00:10:37,970 --> 00:10:38,846 [chuckles] 158 00:10:38,929 --> 00:10:41,891 It's like, "That was a lot of stuff you put in there." You know? 159 00:10:42,683 --> 00:10:44,977 Yeah. "And look, it's almost all wet." 160 00:10:51,150 --> 00:10:52,818 I travel a lot. Obviously. 161 00:10:52,902 --> 00:10:54,779 So she'll be at home with our daughter. 162 00:10:54,862 --> 00:10:57,239 We have a wonderful daughter, as you have seen. 163 00:10:57,323 --> 00:10:59,450 -And… -[crowd cheering] 164 00:11:04,497 --> 00:11:07,333 But I know it's hard. You know, she's home, 165 00:11:07,416 --> 00:11:09,752 my wife has to be the mom and the dad, 166 00:11:09,835 --> 00:11:11,462 and the good and the bad parent. 167 00:11:11,545 --> 00:11:14,382 You know, and I come home and I'm super fun. 168 00:11:15,132 --> 00:11:17,218 Or I'll mess up the routine. 169 00:11:17,301 --> 00:11:20,012 This is just stuff she tells me. And… 170 00:11:20,096 --> 00:11:22,181 [crowd laughing] 171 00:11:25,726 --> 00:11:27,144 Like, I'll go… When I go home, 172 00:11:27,228 --> 00:11:28,521 I'll lay in bed with our daughter 173 00:11:28,604 --> 00:11:30,147 and then we get in trouble for talking. 174 00:11:30,231 --> 00:11:32,400 I'm not the one talking, by the way. 175 00:11:32,483 --> 00:11:35,695 But we get yelled at as if I'm the one talking. 176 00:11:38,114 --> 00:11:42,243 I do get it, because I don't think of the consequences with everything. 177 00:11:42,785 --> 00:11:44,286 Like, we have one dog. 178 00:11:44,787 --> 00:11:46,288 I would like another dog. 179 00:11:46,372 --> 00:11:49,583 My wife does not want another dog, because it's a lot. 180 00:11:50,126 --> 00:11:51,919 It's a lot to have two dogs, 181 00:11:52,002 --> 00:11:55,673 'cause you got to open the back door and let two dogs out. 182 00:11:55,756 --> 00:11:58,676 [crowd laughing] 183 00:12:08,352 --> 00:12:10,354 Then you shut it, and now… 184 00:12:10,438 --> 00:12:11,647 now they're out there. 185 00:12:11,731 --> 00:12:13,190 You're inside, 186 00:12:13,274 --> 00:12:15,276 not dealing with it, but… 187 00:12:17,903 --> 00:12:19,864 But then they want to come back in and you're like, 188 00:12:19,947 --> 00:12:22,867 [grumpily] "Got to go let all these dogs back in." 189 00:12:26,370 --> 00:12:31,125 You're like, "One dog, two… Look at all these dogs everywhere." 190 00:12:41,761 --> 00:12:43,596 Look, I… To be honest, 191 00:12:43,679 --> 00:12:46,557 I've never taken care of the one dog we have, but… 192 00:12:48,934 --> 00:12:50,770 Two? Two would be fun. 193 00:12:54,648 --> 00:12:56,609 Our dog sleeps in our bed, 194 00:12:56,692 --> 00:12:58,986 and someone told me you're not supposed to do that, 195 00:12:59,069 --> 00:13:01,614 'cause you lose dominance over the dog. 196 00:13:02,198 --> 00:13:03,449 And, you know, I asked him, 197 00:13:03,532 --> 00:13:05,868 I said, "What year do you think it is?" 198 00:13:11,123 --> 00:13:12,666 These are all doodles. 199 00:13:15,628 --> 00:13:17,046 They're barely dogs. 200 00:13:17,129 --> 00:13:19,757 It's a person. They're people. 201 00:13:21,801 --> 00:13:25,763 This guy acts like it's 1980 when you kept the dog outside all year. 202 00:13:26,889 --> 00:13:29,225 Those, you needed dominance over. 203 00:13:29,308 --> 00:13:31,143 You had a wolf in the backyard. 204 00:13:34,897 --> 00:13:37,024 Friends come over. "You want to go outside?" 205 00:13:37,107 --> 00:13:38,150 "I wouldn't." 206 00:13:48,828 --> 00:13:51,497 She's the cheaper one of us, as well. 207 00:13:52,206 --> 00:13:53,666 Not in a bad way, you know. 208 00:13:53,749 --> 00:13:55,543 She likes the lights being off. 209 00:13:55,626 --> 00:13:59,755 Turn the lights off, you know, save money. Turn the… Get the lights. 210 00:13:59,839 --> 00:14:03,092 All the lights off, it's a fun time, being in that environment. 211 00:14:03,926 --> 00:14:05,594 Turn the light on, find your seat. 212 00:14:05,678 --> 00:14:07,638 Get a stick, knock the light back off. 213 00:14:10,057 --> 00:14:13,143 Sit in the dark and be sad and just be… 214 00:14:13,853 --> 00:14:15,020 just sad all day. 215 00:14:15,104 --> 00:14:17,523 But you're saving nickels upon nickels. 216 00:14:21,819 --> 00:14:23,988 Right when I get in bed, "You turn that light off?" 217 00:14:24,071 --> 00:14:25,573 "I can't tell if that's on." 218 00:14:25,656 --> 00:14:27,741 "Well, get out of bed, turn it off." 219 00:14:28,284 --> 00:14:32,830 Eighty years, we'll give our daughter the $37 from all the nickels we saved. 220 00:14:41,630 --> 00:14:43,340 All right, look, I can be wasteful. 221 00:14:43,424 --> 00:14:46,552 Like, if something gets to the bottom, I will throw it away. 222 00:14:46,635 --> 00:14:47,887 Ketchup. 223 00:14:47,970 --> 00:14:50,389 If ketchup gets, like, that much left, I'm like, 224 00:14:50,472 --> 00:14:51,432 "Bleh." 225 00:14:54,977 --> 00:14:57,688 She will put the old ketchup with the new ketchup. 226 00:14:58,731 --> 00:15:00,816 That way your ketchup's always gross. 227 00:15:00,900 --> 00:15:03,235 [crowd laughing] 228 00:15:11,869 --> 00:15:12,953 Toothpaste. 229 00:15:13,037 --> 00:15:17,166 I will use it to what I think the average person uses it to. 230 00:15:17,249 --> 00:15:20,461 I don't think I should feel muscles trying to get it out. 231 00:15:23,464 --> 00:15:25,966 I'm not going to have an iron on top of it. 232 00:15:28,594 --> 00:15:29,929 But she'll do it more. 233 00:15:30,012 --> 00:15:33,849 So I know when I'm done with it, I give it to the hobo I married. 234 00:15:39,855 --> 00:15:42,149 She cuts it, gets it all out. 235 00:15:45,361 --> 00:15:48,530 I married an old man from the Depression, is who I married. 236 00:15:53,118 --> 00:15:55,120 She would have thrived during the Depression. 237 00:15:55,204 --> 00:15:57,706 I don't think she would've known there was a Depression. 238 00:16:02,294 --> 00:16:04,463 A pizza party is my nightmare. 239 00:16:05,089 --> 00:16:06,632 I'll have friends over for pizza. 240 00:16:06,715 --> 00:16:08,717 So I'll be like, "All right, we gotta order pizza." 241 00:16:08,801 --> 00:16:10,302 And she goes, "How much?" 242 00:16:10,386 --> 00:16:11,512 I go, "Order the most." 243 00:16:11,595 --> 00:16:14,348 "I don't want to run out of pizza in front of my friends." 244 00:16:17,393 --> 00:16:18,894 She goes, "Just call and ask them." 245 00:16:18,978 --> 00:16:21,855 I go, "I can't call these 40-year-old dudes 246 00:16:21,939 --> 00:16:25,734 and just be like, 'How much pizza do you think you're gonna eat tonight?'" 247 00:16:33,450 --> 00:16:35,494 They have a real… They have a family. 248 00:16:36,495 --> 00:16:39,206 They work in a building, right now. 249 00:16:39,289 --> 00:16:41,875 You want me to call and be like, "You have a big lunch today?" 250 00:16:45,004 --> 00:16:47,715 "No, we're trying to save money, so I need to know exactly 251 00:16:47,798 --> 00:16:50,092 how much pizza you're going to eat in eight hours." 252 00:16:58,809 --> 00:17:02,187 I just want to buy stuff and her not know I bought it, 253 00:17:02,271 --> 00:17:05,149 and… that's so hard. 254 00:17:06,692 --> 00:17:09,236 I think if I knew the name of my bank, I could do it. 255 00:17:12,948 --> 00:17:15,993 But I got to go through her to get that information. 256 00:17:20,164 --> 00:17:22,041 I poke around, I'll be like, "If I had a bank, 257 00:17:22,124 --> 00:17:23,917 what bank do you think I would go to?" 258 00:17:30,466 --> 00:17:34,636 I also, once a week, walk into a bank and go, "Hello, is my money in this bank?" 259 00:17:45,564 --> 00:17:47,524 She has to get me out of stuff all the time. 260 00:17:47,608 --> 00:17:51,904 If I buy something and it doesn't fit, I'll never take it back. 261 00:17:52,529 --> 00:17:53,739 I'm embarrassed. 262 00:17:53,822 --> 00:17:56,950 I'm pretty sure it's going to be the exact same people. 263 00:17:57,034 --> 00:17:58,327 And they remember me. 264 00:17:59,703 --> 00:18:03,248 And right when I walk in, they'll be like, "We knew you couldn't handle that shirt." 265 00:18:10,964 --> 00:18:13,842 She takes back groceries to the grocery store. 266 00:18:14,510 --> 00:18:16,095 [incredulously] Yeah. Food. 267 00:18:16,804 --> 00:18:19,014 I… Honestly, I don't think it's allowed. 268 00:18:19,098 --> 00:18:20,182 I… Honest. 269 00:18:21,183 --> 00:18:24,186 I think she's bullying these 15-year-old children. 270 00:18:26,897 --> 00:18:28,148 They don't know what to do. 271 00:18:28,232 --> 00:18:31,527 Their mom walks in being like, "Your bananas got weird too quick." 272 00:18:31,610 --> 00:18:32,945 And they're like, "What?" 273 00:18:35,239 --> 00:18:38,283 "You picked them out. They're not mine. What are you talking about?" 274 00:18:38,367 --> 00:18:40,536 "I'm gonna change them. I'mma go change them out." 275 00:18:40,619 --> 00:18:43,080 "Yeah, that lady is stealing bananas." 276 00:18:52,381 --> 00:18:56,385 Recently, I was walking to my car and I had a college kid come up 277 00:18:56,468 --> 00:18:58,470 and he was raising money, uh… 278 00:18:58,554 --> 00:19:01,723 You know, for nature. Or it was for Earth. 279 00:19:01,807 --> 00:19:04,059 It was nature and Earth. 280 00:19:04,143 --> 00:19:05,394 Uh… 281 00:19:06,019 --> 00:19:07,187 I don't know. 282 00:19:07,271 --> 00:19:11,108 He used real words. But it was, you know, basically… 283 00:19:11,191 --> 00:19:13,569 I felt he even looked at me, like, "It's going to Earth." 284 00:19:13,652 --> 00:19:16,446 I was like, "Yeah. Well, Earth is going through it right now." 285 00:19:16,530 --> 00:19:17,531 So… 286 00:19:19,283 --> 00:19:21,994 He was telling me everything Earth is going through. 287 00:19:22,077 --> 00:19:23,829 You know, it's pollution. 288 00:19:23,912 --> 00:19:25,664 He said, "Our water's being poisoned." 289 00:19:25,747 --> 00:19:29,168 You know, I said, "Not under my watch, but I understand." 290 00:19:29,251 --> 00:19:32,921 [crowd laughing, cheering] 291 00:19:42,639 --> 00:19:44,474 I think I was buying a tree, 292 00:19:44,558 --> 00:19:45,726 I don't really know. 293 00:19:46,768 --> 00:19:49,354 But I tried to give him cash and he was like, 294 00:19:49,438 --> 00:19:52,232 "Oh, you got to do a credit card." I was like, "Okay." 295 00:19:52,316 --> 00:19:53,233 So, 296 00:19:53,942 --> 00:19:57,237 I give a random iPad all my family information. 297 00:20:01,325 --> 00:20:02,784 It was $75. 298 00:20:02,868 --> 00:20:06,413 So he, like, swipes the card, and then after it goes through, 299 00:20:06,496 --> 00:20:08,749 he goes, "Just so you know, it's a monthly charge." 300 00:20:08,832 --> 00:20:09,750 [crowd gasps] 301 00:20:09,833 --> 00:20:10,876 Yeah. [chuckles] Yeah. 302 00:20:11,418 --> 00:20:12,544 He told me after. 303 00:20:12,628 --> 00:20:14,838 And he was like, "Look, you can cancel it on the website." 304 00:20:14,922 --> 00:20:17,257 I was like, "I don't know what's going on right now." 305 00:20:23,013 --> 00:20:25,933 He goes, "Put your email down for the receipt." 306 00:20:26,016 --> 00:20:29,311 I was like, "All right." I just put my wife's email address down. 307 00:20:29,937 --> 00:20:32,439 Guess who's going to put a stop to this real fast? 308 00:20:32,522 --> 00:20:35,525 [crowd laughing, cheering] 309 00:20:42,699 --> 00:20:45,369 She'll have that tree cut down tomorrow. 310 00:20:51,875 --> 00:20:52,876 I called her, 311 00:20:52,960 --> 00:20:56,463 'cause I have to call her when I sign us up for stuff, and… 312 00:20:58,173 --> 00:20:59,216 [chuckles] 313 00:20:59,299 --> 00:21:02,552 She answered the phone, just goes, "I'm on it." Hung up. 314 00:21:13,939 --> 00:21:17,150 She runs everything. She does stuff, doesn't tell me. 315 00:21:17,234 --> 00:21:19,820 We got a new roof, and I did not know that. 316 00:21:23,240 --> 00:21:26,326 A whole new roof, I found out from my neighbors. 317 00:21:29,121 --> 00:21:31,790 They were like, "How's that new roof going?" 318 00:21:31,873 --> 00:21:33,959 I go, "I don't know what you're talking about." 319 00:21:35,043 --> 00:21:37,296 And they go, "You didn't know you got a new roof?" 320 00:21:37,379 --> 00:21:38,797 I go, "No, I did not." 321 00:21:38,880 --> 00:21:40,757 And then I had to go get her, 322 00:21:40,841 --> 00:21:42,801 I was like, "You gotta go talk about that new roof 323 00:21:42,884 --> 00:21:44,469 you didn't tell me about." 324 00:21:44,553 --> 00:21:46,555 "I looked like an idiot out there." 325 00:21:55,522 --> 00:21:59,568 We live… So, in our neighborhood, we live in a cul-de-sac, 326 00:21:59,651 --> 00:22:03,530 which is very exciting, because I grew up on a straight street… 327 00:22:05,365 --> 00:22:08,118 and I always dreamed of living in a cul-de-sac. 328 00:22:08,994 --> 00:22:10,203 You see them and you're like, 329 00:22:10,287 --> 00:22:12,789 "Can you imagine being up in one of those?" 330 00:22:16,752 --> 00:22:19,046 We do all the cul-de-sac stuff, you know. 331 00:22:19,129 --> 00:22:23,383 Like, if anybody comes down there, we're like, "What are you doing down…" 332 00:22:26,428 --> 00:22:27,554 Just, any car. 333 00:22:27,637 --> 00:22:30,974 We're like, "You better get out of our cul-de-sac." 334 00:22:39,191 --> 00:22:41,651 We take our trash out, uh… 335 00:22:41,735 --> 00:22:44,488 one of the days. I don't know the day, but it's a day. 336 00:22:44,571 --> 00:22:46,156 We're doing it. There is one day. 337 00:22:47,449 --> 00:22:49,993 I know we forgot to take it out a couple weeks ago. 338 00:22:50,077 --> 00:22:52,412 That stress could break up a family. 339 00:22:57,042 --> 00:22:59,795 All week was like, "Everybody, eat out of your hands." 340 00:23:04,549 --> 00:23:08,053 We had friends over, "Put your trash in your pockets, take it to your homes." 341 00:23:20,065 --> 00:23:23,110 We got very lucky with our neighbors. Our neighbors are super cool, 342 00:23:23,193 --> 00:23:24,820 and we're very close with them. 343 00:23:24,903 --> 00:23:27,072 Uh, they all have real jobs. 344 00:23:27,155 --> 00:23:28,907 They, like, went to college and stuff. 345 00:23:28,990 --> 00:23:33,036 And… one of them is a management consultant, 346 00:23:33,120 --> 00:23:37,624 so he manages all the consultants and… 347 00:23:38,208 --> 00:23:40,293 Yeah, it's a tough job. All right? 348 00:23:41,002 --> 00:23:44,005 There's a lot of consultants and he's like, "You better get back." 349 00:23:44,089 --> 00:23:45,298 You know? "You can't…" 350 00:23:46,174 --> 00:23:48,301 "Just can't consult up in here." 351 00:23:48,385 --> 00:23:49,219 So, 352 00:23:50,011 --> 00:23:51,012 he's busy. 353 00:23:58,520 --> 00:24:00,439 Our other neighbor's an actuary. 354 00:24:01,481 --> 00:24:03,275 I thought that was with birds. 355 00:24:08,363 --> 00:24:10,490 I was like, "What's that bird right there?" 356 00:24:18,415 --> 00:24:20,459 He goes, "I don't know." And I was like… 357 00:24:22,043 --> 00:24:24,045 [crowd laughing, cheering] 358 00:24:25,255 --> 00:24:28,508 "As an actuary, you don't know what that bird is right there?" 359 00:24:39,853 --> 00:24:43,023 I went to career day for my daughter's school, 360 00:24:43,106 --> 00:24:46,067 and, like, I get what I do is very fun, 361 00:24:46,151 --> 00:24:51,198 but I was nervous, 'cause I'm there with real people and they're smart, and… 362 00:24:52,449 --> 00:24:55,035 So I was hoping to sit at a table alone. 363 00:24:55,118 --> 00:24:57,370 They put me at a table with a surgeon. 364 00:24:58,830 --> 00:25:01,249 Which I… I think they did it on purpose. 365 00:25:02,125 --> 00:25:03,376 Almost to show the kids, 366 00:25:03,460 --> 00:25:05,629 "Here's the difference between reading." 367 00:25:06,129 --> 00:25:08,715 [crowd laughing, cheering] 368 00:25:17,224 --> 00:25:19,434 So the kids, like, come up, 369 00:25:19,518 --> 00:25:23,939 you know, and they're like, "What subjects do you use for comedy?" 370 00:25:24,022 --> 00:25:27,108 And I was like, I don't even know what subjects they're taking. 371 00:25:27,192 --> 00:25:28,235 Uh… 372 00:25:29,110 --> 00:25:32,531 I was like, "I do English. I do mostly English onstage." 373 00:25:40,664 --> 00:25:44,042 They asked him, "How long do you go to school to be a surgeon?" 374 00:25:44,125 --> 00:25:47,045 You know, and he's like, "54 years," or whatever. It's like… 375 00:25:49,923 --> 00:25:52,467 They asked me, they're like, "How long to be a comedian?" 376 00:25:52,551 --> 00:25:54,803 I was like, "You're good now." So… 377 00:26:01,059 --> 00:26:03,687 "Look, finish elementary school, make your parents happy, 378 00:26:03,770 --> 00:26:05,897 but then I'd get out and get after it." 379 00:26:12,445 --> 00:26:15,407 I had a hard time in school. There was… 380 00:26:15,907 --> 00:26:19,244 I got… I barely graduated, got into a community college, 381 00:26:19,327 --> 00:26:22,831 barely got into a college they have to let everybody in. 382 00:26:26,751 --> 00:26:29,129 I went to community college for one year, 383 00:26:29,212 --> 00:26:30,672 I have zero credits. 384 00:26:34,301 --> 00:26:37,137 Community college, a lot of people don't know, 385 00:26:37,220 --> 00:26:39,097 is college when they're like, 386 00:26:39,180 --> 00:26:42,309 "You're probably going to stay in your community. So…" 387 00:26:49,649 --> 00:26:52,027 "We're just going to show you the ropes around town." 388 00:26:56,281 --> 00:26:58,491 "Kind of give you a lay of the land." 389 00:27:04,122 --> 00:27:05,707 That whole year, 390 00:27:05,790 --> 00:27:08,960 I don't have credits, because I had to take remedial classes. 391 00:27:09,044 --> 00:27:11,421 Which remedial is basically for… 392 00:27:12,005 --> 00:27:13,965 They're classes for someone my age now 393 00:27:14,049 --> 00:27:17,260 trying to go back to school because they don't remember school. 394 00:27:18,094 --> 00:27:20,013 And I took them right out of school. 395 00:27:20,096 --> 00:27:21,181 I just… 396 00:27:22,432 --> 00:27:26,061 They're like, "You don't remember school?" I was like, "I just came from school." 397 00:27:26,144 --> 00:27:28,521 They go, "It looks like you've never heard about it." 398 00:27:32,609 --> 00:27:34,611 Everybody in there was, like, 50. 399 00:27:34,694 --> 00:27:36,571 I'm like, "Well, who's the teacher?" 400 00:27:38,907 --> 00:27:42,827 "I think you have to tell me if I ask. Who's the teacher?" 401 00:27:48,917 --> 00:27:50,293 I took such basic… 402 00:27:50,377 --> 00:27:51,628 I took Speech. 403 00:27:52,170 --> 00:27:53,380 In college. 404 00:27:53,463 --> 00:27:54,547 I'd go… 405 00:27:54,631 --> 00:27:56,257 I would ride there with my friends, 406 00:27:56,341 --> 00:27:58,802 going to a business class or something. 407 00:27:58,885 --> 00:28:00,136 Whatever you go to. 408 00:28:00,220 --> 00:28:03,014 I was like, "All right, I'll catch you after Speech." 409 00:28:07,727 --> 00:28:11,606 And I still say a lot of words wrong, that's what I don't understand. 410 00:28:13,566 --> 00:28:15,944 I say, uh, "Poim." 411 00:28:16,027 --> 00:28:18,530 "Poim." Which no one ever knows. 412 00:28:19,030 --> 00:28:21,491 Uh, poem. Like… Yeah. 413 00:28:22,075 --> 00:28:25,203 P-O-E-M. I go, "poim." 414 00:28:27,414 --> 00:28:29,582 Well, fix that, Speech class. 415 00:28:32,585 --> 00:28:34,671 What if I want to be a "poim" writer? 416 00:28:37,882 --> 00:28:39,884 What if I have a lot of great "poim" ideas? 417 00:28:41,177 --> 00:28:44,472 And no one takes me serious, 'cause I'm like, "Listen to my poims." 418 00:28:53,148 --> 00:28:54,941 "Ol." I say, "Ol." 419 00:28:55,567 --> 00:28:56,943 A super Southern one. 420 00:28:57,026 --> 00:28:58,486 Uh… Oil. 421 00:28:58,570 --> 00:29:01,030 I don't even know how to say it. Like, to y'all. 422 00:29:01,114 --> 00:29:03,533 Oil. O-I-L. 423 00:29:03,616 --> 00:29:04,451 Yeah. 424 00:29:05,076 --> 00:29:06,786 Yes. [laughs] 425 00:29:07,620 --> 00:29:09,497 I go, "Motor ol." 426 00:29:10,498 --> 00:29:12,375 Like, "Tinfol." 427 00:29:14,627 --> 00:29:16,254 I mean, Southern community college, 428 00:29:16,337 --> 00:29:19,132 that should be mandatory that they fix that. 429 00:29:21,217 --> 00:29:23,428 They should write O-I-L on the board, 430 00:29:23,511 --> 00:29:24,888 and I just go, "Ol." 431 00:29:24,971 --> 00:29:27,098 They go, "We're gonna take care of that. All right?" 432 00:29:28,808 --> 00:29:31,811 "There's a pretty good chance you're gonna be working with a lot of that." 433 00:29:39,819 --> 00:29:41,321 "Silver War." 434 00:29:41,404 --> 00:29:42,572 That's how I say it. 435 00:29:42,655 --> 00:29:44,657 Instead of "Civil." 436 00:29:44,741 --> 00:29:46,367 I go, "Silver War." 437 00:29:47,035 --> 00:29:48,203 Because… 438 00:29:49,287 --> 00:29:52,749 You know? Look, that might be on me. All right? I'm not… 439 00:29:58,922 --> 00:30:02,008 I'll tell you, I don't even know anything about the "Silver War." 440 00:30:04,761 --> 00:30:06,513 I don't know anything about history. 441 00:30:07,055 --> 00:30:09,390 And I can tell, because every history movie I watch, 442 00:30:09,474 --> 00:30:11,810 I watch on the edge of my seat. 443 00:30:13,895 --> 00:30:16,981 [laughing, applause] 444 00:30:19,984 --> 00:30:21,986 [applause continues] 445 00:30:25,740 --> 00:30:27,742 "What is gonna happen?" 446 00:30:31,538 --> 00:30:33,081 I watched Pearl Harbor. 447 00:30:35,375 --> 00:30:37,794 I was just as surprised as they were, you know? 448 00:30:49,305 --> 00:30:50,765 I don't read. 449 00:30:51,516 --> 00:30:53,768 Yeah, and I think that matters. 450 00:30:56,479 --> 00:30:59,482 Reading is the key to smart, I believe. 451 00:30:59,566 --> 00:31:00,650 And… 452 00:31:02,026 --> 00:31:02,902 I don't do it. 453 00:31:04,445 --> 00:31:06,155 I think it's caught up to me. 454 00:31:07,073 --> 00:31:09,450 I want to do it. I like the idea of reading. 455 00:31:09,534 --> 00:31:11,202 I even buy books, 456 00:31:11,286 --> 00:31:14,247 but these books are the most words. 457 00:31:14,330 --> 00:31:15,623 And… 458 00:31:16,916 --> 00:31:18,084 It's every book. 459 00:31:18,167 --> 00:31:21,504 You just open it and you're like, "What are you talking about?" 460 00:31:21,588 --> 00:31:23,089 It… I mean… 461 00:31:23,172 --> 00:31:25,008 And they don't let up. 462 00:31:25,091 --> 00:31:27,594 Every page, just more words. 463 00:31:28,887 --> 00:31:31,556 How about you put some blank pages in there? 464 00:31:32,223 --> 00:31:35,768 Why don't you let me get my head above water for two seconds? 465 00:31:35,852 --> 00:31:38,855 [crowd laughing, applauding] 466 00:31:46,654 --> 00:31:48,531 My eyes can read good. 467 00:31:49,324 --> 00:31:50,491 It's my brain. 468 00:31:53,036 --> 00:31:54,829 My eyes are such good readers. 469 00:31:54,913 --> 00:31:56,039 I feel so bad, 470 00:31:56,122 --> 00:31:58,374 'cause they're attached to this dumb brain. 471 00:32:00,043 --> 00:32:02,045 I mean, they're looking at these words, they're like, 472 00:32:02,128 --> 00:32:03,963 "You're not getting any of this, man?" 473 00:32:07,967 --> 00:32:11,471 "That's the fifth time we've read that sentence. Let's try another one." 474 00:32:20,229 --> 00:32:23,066 Fiction, non-fiction. I don't know which one's the truth. 475 00:32:28,363 --> 00:32:31,366 I read every book as the truth is how I handle it. 476 00:32:33,117 --> 00:32:35,662 From what I can tell, we have a pretty big wizard problem 477 00:32:35,745 --> 00:32:37,205 in this country right now. 478 00:32:48,549 --> 00:32:49,467 We went to… 479 00:32:49,550 --> 00:32:52,011 Like, we went to Europe last year. 480 00:32:52,095 --> 00:32:57,141 And by the way, on the way to… We were flying from Nashville to London, 481 00:32:57,225 --> 00:32:58,643 and we go, uh… 482 00:32:58,726 --> 00:33:01,145 It was 4:42 p.m. Nashville time. 483 00:33:01,229 --> 00:33:06,317 So as a game, as a family, I said, "Let's guess what time it is in London." 484 00:33:06,401 --> 00:33:07,860 So I said 12:42 a.m. 485 00:33:07,944 --> 00:33:10,279 Our daughter said 1:42 a.m. 486 00:33:10,363 --> 00:33:12,323 My wife, her guess was 11. 487 00:33:13,116 --> 00:33:14,075 And that's it. 488 00:33:20,248 --> 00:33:22,291 Yeah, she didn't say the 42. 489 00:33:22,375 --> 00:33:23,751 And, 490 00:33:23,835 --> 00:33:26,254 I was like, "Just say the 42." 491 00:33:26,337 --> 00:33:27,839 She goes, "You know what I mean." 492 00:33:27,922 --> 00:33:29,382 I go, "I know, but just… 493 00:33:29,882 --> 00:33:32,760 show our daughter you know what a normal person would say." 494 00:33:37,056 --> 00:33:38,891 That started a pretty big fight. 495 00:33:47,525 --> 00:33:50,236 If you go to Europe, just so you know, uh… 496 00:33:50,319 --> 00:33:52,530 it's the most old. It's very old. 497 00:33:54,574 --> 00:33:58,411 You think we're old, and you get there and you're like, "Good night." Uh… 498 00:34:00,538 --> 00:34:02,874 "What have y'all been doing over here?" 499 00:34:05,543 --> 00:34:08,880 You just walk around, they're like, "That building is from 8." 500 00:34:08,963 --> 00:34:10,965 You're like, "Good golly." 501 00:34:21,559 --> 00:34:23,269 Went to Australia as well. 502 00:34:23,978 --> 00:34:25,730 Australia's very far away. 503 00:34:27,440 --> 00:34:30,610 I'm going to tell you, our Earth is bigger than I thought it was. 504 00:34:34,989 --> 00:34:38,785 We flew 16 hours, over 500 miles an hour. 505 00:34:38,868 --> 00:34:40,912 Barely made it. Barely. 506 00:34:44,457 --> 00:34:46,459 I think we went the wrong way, as well. 507 00:34:50,671 --> 00:34:52,298 I had jet lag there. 508 00:34:52,381 --> 00:34:54,759 I did not mind it, 'cause I woke up early. 509 00:34:54,842 --> 00:34:58,221 I woke up at 5:45 a.m., and I don't ever wake up that early. 510 00:34:58,304 --> 00:35:01,307 So I was, like, first in line at the breakfast buffet. 511 00:35:02,141 --> 00:35:05,144 Here's what I will tell you, when you get up at 5:45 a.m. 512 00:35:05,228 --> 00:35:07,563 noon is pretty far away. 513 00:35:12,568 --> 00:35:16,656 I mean, you will bet your life it's noon, and it's maybe 8:30. 514 00:35:22,370 --> 00:35:25,039 By 6:00 p.m., it's like, "How are people out?" 515 00:35:28,459 --> 00:35:30,128 "Why won't the sun go down?" 516 00:35:38,719 --> 00:35:42,223 That's the next phase of my life, getting up early, you know? 517 00:35:42,306 --> 00:35:45,184 We're starting. We get up at 9:15 a little bit. 518 00:35:45,268 --> 00:35:46,811 Yeah. You know. 519 00:35:46,894 --> 00:35:49,689 I've never seen my daughter go to school, but I've been close. 520 00:35:56,988 --> 00:35:59,157 I'm cold now too, that I'm old. 521 00:35:59,907 --> 00:36:03,202 Forty-five. I just get cold, I always have to bring a jacket. 522 00:36:03,995 --> 00:36:06,873 It could be 135 degrees outside 523 00:36:06,956 --> 00:36:09,500 and I will walk around with a jacket. 524 00:36:10,543 --> 00:36:12,837 And I see these young people, and I just think, 525 00:36:12,920 --> 00:36:14,797 "Where are your jackets?" 526 00:36:23,514 --> 00:36:26,309 My body's falling apart. My… My shoulder hurts, 527 00:36:26,392 --> 00:36:28,352 'cause I stand onstage like this. 528 00:36:33,774 --> 00:36:36,736 It's crazy. This was a huge mistake to get into this. 529 00:36:36,819 --> 00:36:39,947 If I had known that this would be a big problem, 530 00:36:40,031 --> 00:36:42,992 I would have probably tried to not make it a habit. 531 00:36:44,118 --> 00:36:46,078 My body can't handle this. 532 00:36:47,121 --> 00:36:49,207 And I went to the doctor to try to fix it… 533 00:36:49,290 --> 00:36:52,376 I mean, they talked to me like I was an old car. 534 00:36:52,960 --> 00:36:55,796 He goes, "I wouldn't put any more money into it, to be honest." 535 00:37:05,473 --> 00:37:07,141 I pulled a muscle recently, 536 00:37:07,225 --> 00:37:08,976 I guess it was in my soul. 537 00:37:12,772 --> 00:37:15,149 I mean, it was dead middle of my body… 538 00:37:15,233 --> 00:37:17,068 I thought it was the front. Then I was like, 539 00:37:17,151 --> 00:37:19,779 "Well, my back hurts too." You know? So… 540 00:37:22,406 --> 00:37:23,741 Well, what's in the middle? 541 00:37:23,824 --> 00:37:25,826 What muscle is in the middle? 542 00:37:34,168 --> 00:37:36,254 I went hiking. I jumped off a rock. 543 00:37:36,337 --> 00:37:37,755 I mean, a foot high. 544 00:37:38,506 --> 00:37:40,967 When I landed, it felt what I would imagine 545 00:37:41,050 --> 00:37:43,094 being struck by lightning feels like. 546 00:37:48,266 --> 00:37:50,351 I felt it through my fingernails. 547 00:37:56,774 --> 00:37:59,860 Fifty-fifty if my zipper's up or down anymore. 548 00:38:05,324 --> 00:38:07,535 It's a true flip of the coin. 549 00:38:09,453 --> 00:38:12,790 I don't know what's happening. I've zipped up my whole life. 550 00:38:13,624 --> 00:38:15,001 And now, just head out, 551 00:38:15,084 --> 00:38:17,795 like, "All right, see you boys later." Just head out. 552 00:38:19,422 --> 00:38:21,549 Take my pants off at home. They come off easy. 553 00:38:21,632 --> 00:38:24,385 I'm like, "Ah, that was four hours I was walking around like…" 554 00:38:29,932 --> 00:38:32,810 I think it's 'cause I'm peeing so much longer. 555 00:38:33,853 --> 00:38:36,939 And I'm not used to this new old rhythm yet. 556 00:38:38,566 --> 00:38:41,068 'Cause in your 40s, there's a lot of false stops. 557 00:38:42,445 --> 00:38:45,031 You learn pretty quick to be like, "Let's hang back." 558 00:38:45,114 --> 00:38:47,616 "Let's let traffic thin out a little bit." 559 00:38:51,871 --> 00:38:53,831 I watch young people come and go. 560 00:38:55,875 --> 00:38:58,085 I'm like, "Tell my family I'm okay." 561 00:39:06,719 --> 00:39:09,722 Food is still… I still have a problem with food. I… 562 00:39:10,431 --> 00:39:12,767 I love processed food. I love it. 563 00:39:14,560 --> 00:39:16,479 I'm a farm-factory-table guy. 564 00:39:17,063 --> 00:39:20,191 [crowd laughing, cheering] 565 00:39:23,319 --> 00:39:24,570 I want… 566 00:39:24,653 --> 00:39:27,198 I want the most hands involved in my food. 567 00:39:33,245 --> 00:39:36,207 It's coming to an end. You can feel… I can feel it. 568 00:39:36,290 --> 00:39:38,667 I can't do it anymore. It really hurts. 569 00:39:40,628 --> 00:39:43,589 I… You know, and I tell myself, like, "I've done it. I was…" 570 00:39:43,672 --> 00:39:47,551 Yeah, my jersey would be retired of eating fast food. 571 00:39:47,635 --> 00:39:49,053 I've done all the stuff. 572 00:39:49,678 --> 00:39:52,181 I've had Taco Bell and threw it away in my neighbor's trash 573 00:39:52,264 --> 00:39:53,682 so my wife didn't find out. 574 00:39:59,355 --> 00:40:03,067 I used so much ketchup once at a restaurant, 575 00:40:03,150 --> 00:40:06,237 that a stranger walked up to me and goes, 576 00:40:06,320 --> 00:40:07,905 "That's a lot of ketchup." 577 00:40:14,036 --> 00:40:16,330 Do you know how much ketchup you got to use? 578 00:40:17,623 --> 00:40:20,418 That guy doesn't want to get involved, you know? 579 00:40:22,545 --> 00:40:25,423 But he sees it. I mean, his wife's like, "Let it go." 580 00:40:25,506 --> 00:40:28,050 He's like, "I think I got to say something. I don't…" 581 00:40:31,846 --> 00:40:35,599 "I don't think he knows that we're all… No one's using that much ketchup." 582 00:40:40,855 --> 00:40:44,066 I went to a McDonald's drive-through and my window did not roll down. 583 00:40:44,150 --> 00:40:46,944 That's the universe saying, "Give it a rest." 584 00:40:50,072 --> 00:40:51,532 And I fought through it. 585 00:40:52,825 --> 00:40:54,869 It's embarrassing, because they can tell, 586 00:40:54,952 --> 00:40:58,664 because I had to pull past… Because I got to open my door, 587 00:40:58,747 --> 00:41:00,958 so it's going to hit the speaker. 588 00:41:01,041 --> 00:41:02,626 So I gotta drive by it. 589 00:41:04,462 --> 00:41:06,464 So the car behind me is like, "Are you leaving?" 590 00:41:06,547 --> 00:41:08,799 I'm like, "My window don't roll down." 591 00:41:13,888 --> 00:41:17,558 And I got to open the door. Now the speaker is by the gas tank. 592 00:41:19,393 --> 00:41:21,312 So I gotta yell my order out. 593 00:41:21,395 --> 00:41:22,897 Now that guy hears it. 594 00:41:25,774 --> 00:41:29,236 And then I look at McDonald's screen, well, they got it all on the board, 595 00:41:29,320 --> 00:41:31,739 just let the neighborhood know what I'm ordering. 596 00:41:37,453 --> 00:41:40,331 And then I drove by the window, the drive-through window, 597 00:41:40,414 --> 00:41:43,542 and I got to go by it, 'cause I got to open my whole door. 598 00:41:44,043 --> 00:41:48,756 So I go by it, and I see them, they're like, "Where are you going?" 599 00:41:50,925 --> 00:41:53,344 I was like, "Nowhere." And I go by, 600 00:41:53,427 --> 00:41:57,473 and they see my whole body sitting in a chair. 601 00:41:58,098 --> 00:41:59,391 It's crazy. 602 00:41:59,475 --> 00:42:03,479 If you've never done it, it's the most vulnerable I ever felt in my life. Just… 603 00:42:05,356 --> 00:42:07,816 You're just sitting there, and you're like, "Hi." 604 00:42:10,986 --> 00:42:13,364 They see your feet. They see your feet. 605 00:42:15,658 --> 00:42:18,744 They just throw it at me like a bear, just throw it. 606 00:42:28,796 --> 00:42:31,006 Our family, we just eat a lot of fast food. 607 00:42:31,090 --> 00:42:34,927 Our family text thread, my dad texted, 608 00:42:35,010 --> 00:42:37,805 he was like, "I found a way to get a Big Mac cheaper." 609 00:42:41,350 --> 00:42:45,938 And he said, "You can order a double cheeseburger and ask for Big Mac sauce." 610 00:42:46,021 --> 00:42:47,481 So he goes, "It's cheaper, 611 00:42:48,065 --> 00:42:51,110 and they get rid of that third bun, so it's Atkins." 612 00:42:51,193 --> 00:42:52,194 Uh… 613 00:42:57,700 --> 00:43:00,411 That's how you do it. That third bun is the one you're like, 614 00:43:00,494 --> 00:43:02,871 "I don't know if I need the third bun." 615 00:43:10,296 --> 00:43:13,299 My parents are getting older, they're not super old, 616 00:43:13,382 --> 00:43:16,635 but they're at the age where, you know, if they trip, 617 00:43:16,719 --> 00:43:18,554 they will fall to the ground. 618 00:43:20,931 --> 00:43:23,267 There's just an age where it hap… I mean… 619 00:43:23,350 --> 00:43:28,147 Like, if I trip, my body hasn't touched the ground in 40 years. 620 00:43:29,857 --> 00:43:32,109 But for them, it's just, I don't know. 621 00:43:32,192 --> 00:43:34,987 It's like the upper is like, "We're going." 622 00:43:35,070 --> 00:43:36,155 And… 623 00:43:37,906 --> 00:43:40,284 the lower is like, "What?" And it's just… 624 00:43:40,909 --> 00:43:41,827 Boom. 625 00:43:43,037 --> 00:43:44,955 And I mean, there's no, like, "Whoa." 626 00:43:45,039 --> 00:43:47,541 It's just, they don't even know what's happening. 627 00:43:48,917 --> 00:43:50,878 They're just looking at you and you're like, 628 00:43:50,961 --> 00:43:53,130 "You're not feeling any of this?" 629 00:43:54,465 --> 00:43:56,216 And they hit the ground so hard. 630 00:43:56,300 --> 00:43:58,427 It's like they got thrown off a roof. 631 00:44:00,387 --> 00:44:02,431 Everybody hears it, they're like, "What's going on?" 632 00:44:02,514 --> 00:44:04,266 I'm like, "My parents are down!" 633 00:44:06,477 --> 00:44:07,853 "I got to get 'em up." 634 00:44:09,146 --> 00:44:12,441 "My mom's got a bruise that won't go away for two years." 635 00:44:18,489 --> 00:44:20,366 I just walk ahead of them now. 636 00:44:20,449 --> 00:44:21,742 I'm like a Sherpa. 637 00:44:23,243 --> 00:44:26,538 Just let them know the terrain that we're about to hit. 638 00:44:28,332 --> 00:44:30,292 "Got a little carpet coming up." 639 00:44:36,840 --> 00:44:40,636 "Got a little carpet. When we go outside, a little brighter than inside." 640 00:44:40,719 --> 00:44:44,390 "Yeah, and cobblestone. You ain't gonna make that. So…" 641 00:44:46,767 --> 00:44:48,435 "Lay down. Lay down on the carpet." 642 00:44:48,519 --> 00:44:50,604 "I'm gonna back the car up in the building." 643 00:44:57,653 --> 00:45:01,573 We had my mom go pick up our daughter recently at a friend's house, 644 00:45:01,657 --> 00:45:03,367 and I texted her the address, 645 00:45:03,450 --> 00:45:05,536 and she drove to the wrong house. 646 00:45:06,995 --> 00:45:10,207 She knocked on the door, another grandmother answered. 647 00:45:10,290 --> 00:45:11,959 Well, this is no good. 648 00:45:13,335 --> 00:45:16,422 This is like two dogs seeing each other through a fence. 649 00:45:23,637 --> 00:45:26,265 It's gonna be hard to get them both back inside. 650 00:45:33,230 --> 00:45:36,066 So, my mom, she goes, "Is my granddaughter there?" 651 00:45:36,650 --> 00:45:39,445 And the other lady goes, "I have three grandsons." 652 00:45:43,115 --> 00:45:44,283 No solution. 653 00:45:47,286 --> 00:45:48,620 Just two grandmothers. 654 00:45:48,704 --> 00:45:51,623 "You have… You have stuff? I have stuff too." 655 00:45:56,253 --> 00:45:59,047 They talked for 30 minutes. It's the wrong door! 656 00:46:02,301 --> 00:46:04,970 I had to go get my daughter, then find my mom. 657 00:46:12,352 --> 00:46:16,732 And wives are the ones that keep it together the longest in a relationship. 658 00:46:16,815 --> 00:46:20,444 If you see an old married couple, like, 80-year-old… 659 00:46:20,527 --> 00:46:23,280 They're 80, the wife is just… She's with it. 660 00:46:23,363 --> 00:46:26,909 And her husband's like, "Where are we at right now?" Like, he… 661 00:46:29,203 --> 00:46:33,040 I mean, our brains fall off a cliff, dude. Like, they're… 662 00:46:33,123 --> 00:46:35,042 The only reason he's out is because she's like, 663 00:46:35,125 --> 00:46:37,544 "You better get out and let people see you a little bit." 664 00:46:40,881 --> 00:46:44,176 It's like some zookeeper walking some old gorilla around. 665 00:46:46,845 --> 00:46:48,514 "Let the kids touch you." 666 00:46:52,559 --> 00:46:55,521 Everybody's trying to feed him. "Don't feed him that." 667 00:46:58,398 --> 00:46:59,441 "I think he wants it." 668 00:46:59,525 --> 00:47:02,569 "He definitely wants it. He's too dumb to know he can't have it." 669 00:47:12,955 --> 00:47:16,041 My dad goes to the hospital all the time. I mean, he… 670 00:47:16,542 --> 00:47:19,086 He has surgery eight times a year, probably. 671 00:47:19,169 --> 00:47:20,879 He loves it. He loves it. 672 00:47:23,674 --> 00:47:26,385 The doctor will go, "Look, you could just stretch." 673 00:47:29,471 --> 00:47:31,682 And he goes, "Let's just do the surgery." 674 00:47:41,024 --> 00:47:44,695 He had surgery 'cause he was addicted to Afrin, the nose spray. 675 00:47:45,737 --> 00:47:46,864 Yeah. 676 00:47:46,947 --> 00:47:50,367 Look, I… I got addicted to Afrin as well. 677 00:47:50,450 --> 00:47:53,078 I would honestly tell you, if you don't know what it is, 678 00:47:53,161 --> 00:47:55,038 I would tell you not to get involved. 679 00:47:56,874 --> 00:47:59,334 It's one of the best things I've ever been part of. 680 00:48:01,128 --> 00:48:03,630 When I was on it too, my wife was furious. 681 00:48:03,714 --> 00:48:05,549 I had to try to hide it from her. 682 00:48:06,300 --> 00:48:08,385 She could hear it from three blocks away. 683 00:48:08,468 --> 00:48:10,804 Just one little puff, "What's that?" 684 00:48:11,763 --> 00:48:13,640 "I ain't gonna live like this!" 685 00:48:15,767 --> 00:48:18,770 "I ain't work this hard not to do Afrin in my own home." 686 00:48:23,817 --> 00:48:26,862 So my dad, they go to the doctor, him and my mom. 687 00:48:26,945 --> 00:48:29,072 And the doctor was like, "Do you use Afrin?" 688 00:48:29,573 --> 00:48:31,116 And my dad goes, "No." 689 00:48:33,869 --> 00:48:36,163 And the doctor was like, "I can tell that you use it." 690 00:48:36,246 --> 00:48:38,248 "I was just saying that." So… 691 00:48:42,252 --> 00:48:45,589 He goes, "How long have you used it?" And my dad said, "Five years." 692 00:48:46,173 --> 00:48:47,299 Which is a lie. 693 00:48:48,133 --> 00:48:50,427 And my mom, she's like, "Well, tell the truth." 694 00:48:50,510 --> 00:48:53,388 You know, she goes, "He's used it for 45 years." 695 00:48:55,349 --> 00:48:57,726 He used Afrin 45 years. 696 00:48:57,809 --> 00:49:00,437 Just for reference, if you don't know, 697 00:49:00,520 --> 00:49:03,774 the back of the box suggests no more than three days. 698 00:49:09,780 --> 00:49:11,615 I mean, there's not a medicine on Earth 699 00:49:11,698 --> 00:49:14,409 that tells you to give it a good 45-year run. 700 00:49:23,460 --> 00:49:24,920 I think about my parents a lot 701 00:49:25,003 --> 00:49:28,131 because, I mean, the world is getting very futuristic. 702 00:49:28,632 --> 00:49:31,468 And, like them, I'm from the 1900s. 703 00:49:32,970 --> 00:49:35,305 You got to watch out for the 1900s people. 704 00:49:35,389 --> 00:49:36,348 We're old. 705 00:49:36,431 --> 00:49:39,434 [crowd cheering] 706 00:49:43,438 --> 00:49:48,360 It's so… I mean, my great-aunt Helen from the '30s. 707 00:49:48,443 --> 00:49:49,569 She's deaf. 708 00:49:50,153 --> 00:49:54,282 They didn't know she was deaf back then. The doctors, they had no idea. 709 00:49:54,366 --> 00:49:56,118 They were baffled. 710 00:49:56,201 --> 00:49:58,745 That's how… That's how good doctors were back then. 711 00:50:01,873 --> 00:50:05,043 They just said… They looked at her as they smoked in her face. 712 00:50:10,048 --> 00:50:12,926 These were real doctors. They were like, "I don't know." 713 00:50:13,427 --> 00:50:15,303 "She's rude. I'll tell you that." 714 00:50:25,897 --> 00:50:28,525 I mean, I think what I saw growing up… 715 00:50:28,608 --> 00:50:31,319 I mean, we would go watch… My dad's a magician. 716 00:50:31,987 --> 00:50:35,907 So we would go watch my dad do magic at the Wilson County Fair. 717 00:50:35,991 --> 00:50:39,036 County fairs are great. If you never… They're still going around. 718 00:50:39,119 --> 00:50:42,581 I don't think the government knows about them, but… 719 00:50:44,916 --> 00:50:48,628 I mean, we ride these rides that were on the interstate an hour ago. 720 00:50:55,927 --> 00:50:57,429 So we would go watch my dad. 721 00:50:57,512 --> 00:50:59,139 So my dad would do magic. 722 00:50:59,222 --> 00:51:00,682 Right next to him, 723 00:51:00,766 --> 00:51:03,894 they had a donkey jumping off a high dive 724 00:51:03,977 --> 00:51:05,062 into a pool. 725 00:51:06,688 --> 00:51:09,316 So pretty hard to keep everybody's attention. 726 00:51:11,318 --> 00:51:13,779 When my dad is like, "Is this your card?" 727 00:51:14,988 --> 00:51:19,117 And everybody's like, "This donkey's about to jump off this high dive." 728 00:51:23,330 --> 00:51:26,500 That's something you don't think you wanna see, till it's up there. 729 00:51:30,754 --> 00:51:32,923 And I use the word "jump" very loosely. 730 00:51:35,884 --> 00:51:38,178 These donkeys are falling off this high dive. 731 00:51:42,974 --> 00:51:45,727 But you can't put that on the sign, you know? 732 00:51:47,270 --> 00:51:49,981 "You gonna watch a donkey fall off a high dive?" 733 00:51:51,566 --> 00:51:52,400 "No." 734 00:51:52,484 --> 00:51:53,318 "Okay." 735 00:51:53,902 --> 00:51:54,778 "What if he jumped?" 736 00:51:54,861 --> 00:51:56,279 "Well, at least he's into it." 737 00:52:02,869 --> 00:52:05,997 So the donkey would go up this ramp, 738 00:52:06,081 --> 00:52:07,999 like, 40 feet in the air. 739 00:52:08,083 --> 00:52:11,628 And it would just stand there 'cause it doesn't want to jump. 740 00:52:11,711 --> 00:52:13,797 It's not in on this, so… 741 00:52:15,340 --> 00:52:18,051 But it gets stuck 'cause donkeys can't walk backwards. 742 00:52:19,052 --> 00:52:21,721 Not positive if that is true, but I… 743 00:52:24,057 --> 00:52:25,976 I've never seen a donkey go backwards. 744 00:52:26,059 --> 00:52:29,312 I've never even really looked, but I honestly think, 745 00:52:29,396 --> 00:52:32,524 45 years, I would have seen a couple donkeys go backwards. 746 00:52:35,861 --> 00:52:37,279 So the donkey stands there, 747 00:52:37,362 --> 00:52:39,990 and a dog, he sends a dog up the ramp, 748 00:52:40,073 --> 00:52:43,326 it barks at the donkey and the donkey jumps in the pool. 749 00:52:43,910 --> 00:52:45,287 And as someone that has seen this, 750 00:52:45,370 --> 00:52:47,914 I tell you, when that donkey hits the water, you're like, 751 00:52:47,998 --> 00:52:49,958 "We should probably get out of here. Uh…" 752 00:52:57,215 --> 00:52:59,885 It's not as fun as you thought it would be. 753 00:53:05,390 --> 00:53:08,685 I mean, this is going to sound dumb, but you're really surprised 754 00:53:08,768 --> 00:53:11,897 you're seeing what the sign said you would see. 755 00:53:18,945 --> 00:53:20,572 PETA got a hold of that. 756 00:53:23,200 --> 00:53:25,744 They shut it down. And that was one I think everybody was like, 757 00:53:25,827 --> 00:53:27,537 "Fair enough, we get that." 758 00:53:35,754 --> 00:53:37,964 Another one PETA had to shut down, 759 00:53:38,048 --> 00:53:40,634 this was again, like, the 1980s. 760 00:53:40,717 --> 00:53:41,885 I was alive. 761 00:53:43,595 --> 00:53:47,182 You could fight an orangutan at a fair. 762 00:53:48,725 --> 00:53:53,063 They would have an orangutan just sitting in a boxing ring 763 00:53:53,813 --> 00:53:55,649 and guys would pay to fight it. 764 00:53:57,234 --> 00:53:58,276 And I say "guys," 765 00:53:58,360 --> 00:54:02,197 because I just can't imagine one woman ever fought this orangutan. 766 00:54:03,949 --> 00:54:07,577 I think you can put an orangutan in a room with a thousand women, 767 00:54:07,661 --> 00:54:10,205 and when they walked out, like, "Did anybody fight it?" 768 00:54:10,288 --> 00:54:12,582 "It never crossed our mind to fight it." 769 00:54:12,666 --> 00:54:14,668 [crowd laughing] 770 00:54:16,169 --> 00:54:18,171 [crowd cheering] 771 00:54:23,593 --> 00:54:25,929 Put three men in that room, 772 00:54:27,639 --> 00:54:30,141 two of those men will fight that orangutan. 773 00:54:32,060 --> 00:54:33,603 The other one would've started it, 774 00:54:33,687 --> 00:54:36,273 going, "I think y'all should fight that orangutan." 775 00:54:43,530 --> 00:54:44,990 So, guys get in there 776 00:54:45,615 --> 00:54:48,576 and they're like, "All right, we'll go fight this orangutan." 777 00:54:48,660 --> 00:54:51,162 And the orangutan would just knock everybody out. 778 00:54:52,455 --> 00:54:56,293 Because we don't have the internet to look up, "How strong is an orangutan?" 779 00:55:01,339 --> 00:55:03,133 It's all word-of-mouth back then. 780 00:55:04,384 --> 00:55:07,512 You had to meet a guy that just fought an orangutan. 781 00:55:09,347 --> 00:55:11,141 You're like, "But the arms are skinny." 782 00:55:11,224 --> 00:55:14,144 He's like, "I know. That's what made me get in there as well." 783 00:55:14,227 --> 00:55:16,229 [crowd laughing, applauding] 784 00:55:26,239 --> 00:55:28,533 So PETA put a stop to that also. 785 00:55:28,616 --> 00:55:29,659 Yeah. 786 00:55:29,743 --> 00:55:32,037 Look, whatever you want to say about PETA, 787 00:55:32,120 --> 00:55:34,664 they did some real work in the 1900s. 788 00:55:38,626 --> 00:55:39,627 There's… 789 00:55:39,711 --> 00:55:42,088 The first… One of the first things they had to do, 790 00:55:42,172 --> 00:55:45,967 car manufacturers, before crash test dummies were invented, 791 00:55:46,051 --> 00:55:48,553 they would use a pig in a car wreck. 792 00:55:49,137 --> 00:55:51,723 So they sit a pig I guess upright. 793 00:55:54,017 --> 00:55:56,227 And this little pig… Pigs are smart. 794 00:55:56,978 --> 00:55:58,646 Pretty good day for this pig. 795 00:55:59,606 --> 00:56:01,608 It's like, "You gonna let me drive a car?" 796 00:56:01,691 --> 00:56:03,902 Pretty fun, pretty fun day. 797 00:56:03,985 --> 00:56:05,403 He's got his elbow out. 798 00:56:08,740 --> 00:56:11,576 "Are y'all kidding me right now? You gonna let me drive this car?" 799 00:56:18,166 --> 00:56:21,211 I don't even know what that shows you. Pigs don't have necks. 800 00:56:27,300 --> 00:56:30,470 That's what I was around when I was growing up. 801 00:56:30,553 --> 00:56:34,349 I mean, I look at my daughter, and I have more in common with a Pilgrim. 802 00:56:40,105 --> 00:56:42,065 And Pilgrims believed in witches. 803 00:56:45,610 --> 00:56:47,987 Little side note, I would like to say, 804 00:56:48,571 --> 00:56:53,201 I think the witch phase was the toughest phase for women to have to go through. 805 00:56:54,244 --> 00:56:55,787 Not to get serious, 806 00:56:55,870 --> 00:56:58,289 but a lot of people say voting. 807 00:56:58,373 --> 00:57:01,292 I disagree. I think it's witch, then voting. 808 00:57:03,378 --> 00:57:07,215 I think it's witch, pretty big gap, then, you know, voting. 809 00:57:10,218 --> 00:57:13,179 You jaywalk back then, the whole town's like, "There's a witch." 810 00:57:13,263 --> 00:57:15,974 You're like, "Here we go. Here we go!" 811 00:57:20,353 --> 00:57:21,438 And I'll give it to 'em, 812 00:57:21,521 --> 00:57:24,065 because they could've flown away, but none of them ever did. 813 00:57:29,404 --> 00:57:30,822 [chuckles] All right, sorry. 814 00:57:30,905 --> 00:57:31,948 That… Look. 815 00:57:32,532 --> 00:57:34,200 Just trying to get a witch joke in, 816 00:57:34,284 --> 00:57:36,661 it's pretty complicated. There's a lot of moving parts. 817 00:57:38,163 --> 00:57:40,290 You got to bring up Pilgrims somehow. 818 00:57:44,419 --> 00:57:47,422 I took a typing class in seventh grade. 819 00:57:48,298 --> 00:57:49,299 That's how… 820 00:57:49,382 --> 00:57:51,676 [crowd applauding, whooping] 821 00:57:51,759 --> 00:57:54,345 And I thought it was a waste of my time. 822 00:57:54,429 --> 00:57:55,555 I… 823 00:57:55,638 --> 00:57:58,475 In my head, I was like, "Who's going to be typing?" 824 00:57:59,809 --> 00:58:01,686 "Cursive is the future." 825 00:58:02,228 --> 00:58:04,898 [crowd laughing, applauding] 826 00:58:12,405 --> 00:58:13,865 That's why I… 'Cause the future… 827 00:58:13,948 --> 00:58:16,910 I don't know what's going… I don't know technology. 828 00:58:16,993 --> 00:58:18,244 I don't know what AI is. 829 00:58:18,328 --> 00:58:19,954 I don't think you get to know what AI is 830 00:58:20,038 --> 00:58:22,916 and also see a donkey jump off a high dive. 831 00:58:24,250 --> 00:58:25,919 I think it was one or the other, 832 00:58:26,002 --> 00:58:28,046 and I saw the donkey, so I'm out. 833 00:58:32,550 --> 00:58:35,386 If I send an email and it says the file is too big, 834 00:58:35,470 --> 00:58:37,013 I don't know what to do. 835 00:58:38,223 --> 00:58:41,226 My best guess is… I try to resend it. 836 00:58:41,309 --> 00:58:43,728 That's what I try to… You know how dumb that is? 837 00:58:43,811 --> 00:58:47,440 The computer's like, "No." And I go, "What about now, though?" 838 00:58:57,784 --> 00:59:00,078 Hotels are getting futuristic. 839 00:59:00,161 --> 00:59:04,749 A lot of hotels, when I stay at, now, when you take a shower, 840 00:59:05,291 --> 00:59:07,252 they have half a glass. 841 00:59:07,961 --> 00:59:10,046 So, it's open. 842 00:59:10,129 --> 00:59:11,631 So the water gets on the floor. 843 00:59:12,840 --> 00:59:14,384 Because that's the future. 844 00:59:16,469 --> 00:59:18,555 They want water on the floor. 845 00:59:18,638 --> 00:59:21,349 And I'm old and dumb, I come… 846 00:59:21,432 --> 00:59:24,060 You know, we really tried to keep the water inside the tub. 847 00:59:24,143 --> 00:59:26,229 It was a pretty big deal, but now, 848 00:59:27,772 --> 00:59:30,191 they want the floors wet, that's what they want. 849 00:59:31,776 --> 00:59:34,445 They want to do no glass, but I'm still alive, 850 00:59:34,529 --> 00:59:36,823 so they're like, "All right, do half a glass." 851 00:59:38,324 --> 00:59:40,743 "Once that guy's gone, we'll do no glass, 852 00:59:41,244 --> 00:59:43,705 floors are wet, drains off the balcony." 853 00:59:49,210 --> 00:59:52,672 When I first started going on the road, I would have to do a wake-up call. 854 00:59:52,755 --> 00:59:54,757 That's how I got up in the morning. 855 00:59:54,841 --> 00:59:57,302 I'd have to call a guy I don't know, 856 00:59:58,803 --> 01:00:01,097 and just be like, "Will you wake me up tomorrow?" 857 01:00:01,180 --> 01:00:03,182 [crowd laughing, applauding] 858 01:00:08,563 --> 01:00:11,357 That's the last person I would talk to, was him. 859 01:00:12,525 --> 01:00:15,737 I would call my wife, then a man I've never seen. 860 01:00:16,988 --> 01:00:19,365 "You promise you gonna wake me up tomorrow?" 861 01:00:24,120 --> 01:00:25,830 We would tell each other good night. 862 01:00:33,838 --> 01:00:37,133 So no one's done a wake-up call in probably 20 years now. 863 01:00:37,675 --> 01:00:40,803 So this guy on the road with us, he's 24 years old, 864 01:00:40,887 --> 01:00:43,640 he's never done a wake-up call in his life. 865 01:00:43,723 --> 01:00:48,144 And so, we're staying at a hotel, and he saw the wake-up call on the phone. 866 01:00:48,227 --> 01:00:50,271 And he goes, "I'm going to do a wake-up call." 867 01:00:50,355 --> 01:00:52,065 And I told him, I go, "Don't do it." 868 01:00:53,441 --> 01:00:56,235 "I mean, that's like an ashtray on an airplane." 869 01:01:02,825 --> 01:01:04,327 He was like, "No, I want to do it." 870 01:01:04,410 --> 01:01:05,244 "All right." 871 01:01:05,328 --> 01:01:06,287 So he set it up. 872 01:01:06,788 --> 01:01:10,041 Next morning, his phone rings, he doesn't answer the phone. 873 01:01:11,167 --> 01:01:14,045 He doesn't know that's the main part of your job. 874 01:01:15,129 --> 01:01:18,675 You gotta answer the phone and let the guy know you're awake. 875 01:01:20,385 --> 01:01:23,388 So then that guy, who's young too probably, is like, 876 01:01:23,471 --> 01:01:25,723 "I guess I got to go knock on the door." 877 01:01:26,516 --> 01:01:29,060 "I've never even seen this service used 878 01:01:29,143 --> 01:01:31,646 so it must be the most important person alive." 879 01:01:35,149 --> 01:01:37,610 So he goes up and he starts knocking on the door. 880 01:01:37,694 --> 01:01:39,696 My buddy still doesn't answer the door. 881 01:01:39,779 --> 01:01:42,115 So the guy goes in the room. 882 01:01:42,782 --> 01:01:45,076 I swear this is real, 'cause look, 883 01:01:45,159 --> 01:01:47,912 this is two young people, they don't know what they're doing. 884 01:01:54,627 --> 01:01:58,589 So he goes in the room, like, "Do I have to touch this guy?" 885 01:02:03,094 --> 01:02:05,012 "Is that what a wake-up call is?" 886 01:02:06,639 --> 01:02:09,767 "I gotta touch a guy I've never seen, in the dark?" 887 01:02:13,855 --> 01:02:16,274 So I'd imagine he started making noises, just going, 888 01:02:16,357 --> 01:02:18,109 "Hep. Hey, now! Hep!" 889 01:02:19,235 --> 01:02:21,237 "Hep, hep, hep. Hep!" 890 01:02:23,406 --> 01:02:25,700 Hoping he doesn't have to touch this man. 891 01:02:27,660 --> 01:02:30,663 But he had to touch him. I swear, that's what he told me. 892 01:02:30,747 --> 01:02:33,207 He woke up to another guy going, "Hey, buddy." 893 01:02:36,419 --> 01:02:37,670 "It's time to wake up." 894 01:02:40,923 --> 01:02:43,634 -Thank you so much. -[crowd cheering] 895 01:02:43,718 --> 01:02:46,387 ♪ Feeling good, like I should ♪ 896 01:02:46,471 --> 01:02:47,889 ["Sunday Best" by Surfaces playing] 897 01:02:47,972 --> 01:02:51,726 ♪ Went and took a walk Around the neighborhood ♪ 898 01:02:51,809 --> 01:02:55,480 ♪ Feeling blessed, never stressed ♪ 899 01:02:56,606 --> 01:03:00,943 ♪ Got that sunshine On my Sunday best, yeah ♪ 900 01:03:01,027 --> 01:03:05,281 ♪ Every day can be a better day Despite the challenge ♪ 901 01:03:05,364 --> 01:03:09,535 ♪ All you gotta do is leave it Better than you found it ♪ 902 01:03:09,619 --> 01:03:13,915 ♪ It's gonna get difficult to stand But hold your balance ♪ 903 01:03:13,998 --> 01:03:18,002 ♪ I just say whatever 'Cause there is no way around it ♪ 904 01:03:18,085 --> 01:03:21,547 ♪ Everyone falls down sometimes ♪ 905 01:03:21,631 --> 01:03:26,219 ♪ But you just gotta know It'll all be fine ♪ 906 01:03:26,302 --> 01:03:27,553 ♪ It's okay ♪ 907 01:03:27,637 --> 01:03:31,224 [dramatic jingle playing]