1
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-[audience cheering]
-[Andrew Santino] Yeah.

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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

3
00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000
Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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♪ Yeah ♪

5
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Is it racist...

6
00:00:14,056 --> 00:00:16,308
[audience laughing]

7
00:00:16,391 --> 00:00:19,978
is it racist if I retweet
the N-word? Is that racist?

8
00:00:20,062 --> 00:00:22,022
[audience laughing]

9
00:00:22,773 --> 00:00:24,608
-[audience member] No!
-Alright.

10
00:00:24,691 --> 00:00:26,401
[audience laughing]

11
00:00:26,485 --> 00:00:28,237
I already did it. I already did it.

12
00:00:29,196 --> 00:00:31,907
My favorite rapper of all time
put up a quote, okay?

13
00:00:31,990 --> 00:00:34,618
My favorite rapper of all time
put up a quote on Twitter.

14
00:00:34,701 --> 00:00:36,787
I liked the quote. It was profound.

15
00:00:36,870 --> 00:00:39,998
It had the N-word in it, okay?
And I liked it.

16
00:00:40,082 --> 00:00:41,792
I was like, "Alright,
I like what he's saying."

17
00:00:41,875 --> 00:00:44,044
So, I just retweeted it.
I didn't think anything of it.

18
00:00:44,127 --> 00:00:46,380
Put my phone in my pocket. Went on my day.

19
00:00:46,463 --> 00:00:48,257
Alright? Had a nice day.

20
00:00:48,340 --> 00:00:50,259
Then I took my phone
back out of my pocket,

21
00:00:50,342 --> 00:00:53,345
and the internet was extremely
upset at what I had just done.

22
00:00:54,054 --> 00:00:57,015
The comments were just like,
"You fuckin' racist, racist,

23
00:00:57,099 --> 00:01:00,269
racist, fag, racist, ra--"

24
00:01:00,352 --> 00:01:03,272
I was like, "How do they know?
That's crazy."

25
00:01:03,355 --> 00:01:04,773
Just from that? That's wild.

26
00:01:04,856 --> 00:01:06,525
[audience laughing]

27
00:01:06,608 --> 00:01:09,528
But I was defending myself.
I was like, "I'm not racist!"

28
00:01:09,611 --> 00:01:12,906
They're like, "You can't say the N-word."
I was like, "I didn't!

29
00:01:12,990 --> 00:01:15,993
He said it!
I just like that he can say it."

30
00:01:16,076 --> 00:01:17,536
[audience laughing]

31
00:01:17,619 --> 00:01:20,080
I was like, "I didn't say it.
Why are you getting on me?"

32
00:01:20,163 --> 00:01:21,707
And everybody was like,
"I don't think so, white devil.

33
00:01:21,790 --> 00:01:24,543
-You are going down today."
-[audience laughing]

34
00:01:24,626 --> 00:01:26,712
And I was like, "I didn't say the N-word.
You gotta leave me alone."

35
00:01:26,795 --> 00:01:29,047
And everyone's like,
"No way, you're a racist, racist, racist,"

36
00:01:29,131 --> 00:01:30,716
and they kept pushing it out there.

37
00:01:30,799 --> 00:01:32,676
And at some point, I was, like, exhausted.

38
00:01:32,759 --> 00:01:35,137
I was anxious. I was like, I want--
I'm sick of this, dude.

39
00:01:35,220 --> 00:01:37,848
Why am I arguing with these people?

40
00:01:37,931 --> 00:01:40,642
I like Jack Harlow.
I don't wanna feel bad.

41
00:01:40,726 --> 00:01:42,769
[audience laughing]

42
00:01:42,853 --> 00:01:44,354
I'm vanilla, baby, you know?

43
00:01:44,438 --> 00:01:45,939
[audience laughing]

44
00:01:46,023 --> 00:01:47,649
Let me do my thang.

45
00:01:49,484 --> 00:01:52,696
That's obviously not real.
Jack Harlow never tweeted the N-word.

46
00:01:53,905 --> 00:01:55,907
But he says it. Uh, I think he says it.

47
00:01:56,700 --> 00:01:59,703
Yeah. I mean, we all do,
and we gotta stop.

48
00:01:59,786 --> 00:02:00,954
[audience laughing]

49
00:02:01,038 --> 00:02:02,831
They're gonna find out.
We gotta cut it out.

50
00:02:03,749 --> 00:02:05,959
I know a lot of people are like,
"I don't say the N-word."

51
00:02:06,043 --> 00:02:07,794
Yeah, but you sing it,
you know what I mean? You sing it.

52
00:02:07,878 --> 00:02:08,962
[audience laughing]

53
00:02:09,046 --> 00:02:10,047
It's just as bad.

54
00:02:11,423 --> 00:02:12,507
None of that, of course, is true.

55
00:02:12,591 --> 00:02:14,509
I-- I wrote that joke, uh, because I met

56
00:02:14,593 --> 00:02:17,054
Jack Harlow one time,
and he kind of blew me off a little bit.

57
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I'm not gonna lie.

58
00:02:18,305 --> 00:02:20,182
And I was like, "I'm gonna write a joke

59
00:02:20,265 --> 00:02:21,266
where you say the N-word in it."

60
00:02:21,350 --> 00:02:23,393
[audience laughing]

61
00:02:23,477 --> 00:02:24,478
And that's that.

62
00:02:27,606 --> 00:02:30,442
I don't have anything against
Jack Harlow, you know, at all.

63
00:02:30,525 --> 00:02:32,486
I'm not a big fan of his hair,
and that's coming from me.

64
00:02:32,569 --> 00:02:34,488
-You know what I mean? Like--
-[audience laughing]

65
00:02:34,571 --> 00:02:35,989
I don't know,
and he says he doesn't perm it,

66
00:02:36,073 --> 00:02:37,366
and maybe he doesn't,

67
00:02:37,449 --> 00:02:39,034
but, uh, it looks like it.

68
00:02:39,868 --> 00:02:41,578
Whenever white celebrities
perm their hair,

69
00:02:41,662 --> 00:02:43,038
I'm always like, "Uh-oh.

70
00:02:43,830 --> 00:02:45,999
"You're flying a little
too close to the sun there, W-Icarus?

71
00:02:46,083 --> 00:02:47,084
What are you doing there, buddy?"

72
00:02:47,167 --> 00:02:49,169
[audience laughing]

73
00:02:51,129 --> 00:02:53,465
He doesn't, but it does look like it.

74
00:02:53,548 --> 00:02:54,883
And all those celebrities
that do perm their hair--

75
00:02:54,966 --> 00:02:56,343
When white celebrities perm their hair,

76
00:02:56,426 --> 00:02:59,096
it always reminds me of
when I was a kid, in the '90s,

77
00:02:59,179 --> 00:03:02,182
if you wanted to go on vacation,
right, you had to drive.

78
00:03:02,265 --> 00:03:04,184
You wanna go somewhere? Get in the car.

79
00:03:04,267 --> 00:03:05,602
Get in the Cutlass right now.

80
00:03:05,686 --> 00:03:07,145
Get your brother, get in the car.

81
00:03:07,229 --> 00:03:09,022
No, we're gonna smoke in there.
The windows are gonna be up.

82
00:03:09,106 --> 00:03:10,315
-We're smoking in there.
-[audience laughing]

83
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Oh, yeah, dude, Mom and Dad

84
00:03:11,483 --> 00:03:12,651
are gonna divorce halfway there.

85
00:03:12,734 --> 00:03:14,069
We are splitting up.

86
00:03:14,152 --> 00:03:16,029
You gotta pee? Too bad, hold it.

87
00:03:16,113 --> 00:03:18,490
It's a 17-hour drive.
You are going to hold it.

88
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Pinch it. Pinch it. Pinch it now. Hold it.

89
00:03:23,453 --> 00:03:25,497
But there was always a couple
of rich whites in the neighborhood.

90
00:03:25,580 --> 00:03:28,375
There was a couple of rich white families
who could fly to vacation, right?

91
00:03:28,458 --> 00:03:32,838
And they would always go to, like,
Jamaica, or The Bahamas, or Mexico.

92
00:03:32,921 --> 00:03:34,756
And these rich whites,
they'd always come back,

93
00:03:34,840 --> 00:03:36,842
these little rich whites,
with braids in their hair.

94
00:03:36,925 --> 00:03:38,009
[audience laughing]

95
00:03:38,093 --> 00:03:39,428
You remember these rich whites?

96
00:03:40,929 --> 00:03:42,556
Were some of you these rich whites?

97
00:03:42,639 --> 00:03:44,516
[audience laughing]

98
00:03:44,599 --> 00:03:46,059
And they'd show up, and they'd be like,
"Dude, check it out.

99
00:03:46,143 --> 00:03:48,645
Santino, look at this.
Check this out. Is this cool?"

100
00:03:48,729 --> 00:03:51,148
And I'd be like, "We're gonna find out.

101
00:03:52,441 --> 00:03:55,569
"Together, tomorrow at school.
We're gonna find out together.

102
00:03:55,652 --> 00:03:57,487
"I wanna see what Jamal thinks
about this whole thing.

103
00:03:57,571 --> 00:03:58,905
[audience laughing]

104
00:03:58,989 --> 00:04:00,741
I don't think he's gonna like it, man."

105
00:04:02,367 --> 00:04:05,078
I could never. Could you imagine?
A redhead with braids?

106
00:04:05,162 --> 00:04:06,997
-Good God!
-[audience laughing]

107
00:04:07,080 --> 00:04:08,999
Like I need more attention on this thing?

108
00:04:10,667 --> 00:04:11,752
No chance, man.

109
00:04:12,794 --> 00:04:16,214
I have a limited sliver on the color wheel
of what I'm allowed to wear already.

110
00:04:17,007 --> 00:04:18,216
It's blue, black, and gray.

111
00:04:18,300 --> 00:04:20,385
What you're looking
at right now, this is it.

112
00:04:20,469 --> 00:04:21,470
[audience laughing]

113
00:04:21,553 --> 00:04:22,971
If you ever see me in red or yellow,

114
00:04:23,054 --> 00:04:24,139
it's 'cause I have cancer.

115
00:04:24,222 --> 00:04:26,349
-That's what's going on.
-[audience laughing]

116
00:04:27,851 --> 00:04:30,437
And the worst part was,
I grew up in the '90s in Chicago.

117
00:04:30,520 --> 00:04:34,858
This was like-- this is like when hip-hop
and pop culture collided as one, right?

118
00:04:34,941 --> 00:04:36,485
And everything was bright colors.

119
00:04:36,568 --> 00:04:38,361
It was starter jackets and Jordans.

120
00:04:38,445 --> 00:04:40,739
Everything was big, bold, and loud.

121
00:04:40,822 --> 00:04:43,158
And I couldn't wear it.
And I was so jealous of that, dude.

122
00:04:43,241 --> 00:04:44,826
All the kids
in my neighborhood could wear--

123
00:04:44,910 --> 00:04:47,287
all the Black kids could wear anything
and make it look cool.

124
00:04:47,370 --> 00:04:49,748
They could do anything,
make it look cool, man.

125
00:04:49,831 --> 00:04:51,958
They got away with mur--
Well, they never got away with murder.

126
00:04:52,042 --> 00:04:53,084
[audience laughing]

127
00:04:53,168 --> 00:04:55,128
No, [chuckles] we got 'em. We got 'em.

128
00:04:55,212 --> 00:04:57,631
[audience laughing]

129
00:04:58,632 --> 00:05:01,551
No, but they wore anything
and made it look dope, you know?

130
00:05:01,635 --> 00:05:03,845
Even stuff I know
they didn't even like, right?

131
00:05:03,929 --> 00:05:07,140
Like even now,
my buddy, E.P., is 47 years old.

132
00:05:07,224 --> 00:05:09,935
He's a grown adult, Black male.
A grown-up.

133
00:05:10,018 --> 00:05:11,561
And he came over
to my house for a barbecue,

134
00:05:11,645 --> 00:05:13,188
and he was wearing a Disney jacket.

135
00:05:14,272 --> 00:05:16,066
A jacket with Disney all over it.

136
00:05:16,858 --> 00:05:19,861
-And no one said a word.
-[audience laughing]

137
00:05:19,945 --> 00:05:23,281
Not one person uttered a word.

138
00:05:23,365 --> 00:05:24,908
And it was my house,
so I was like, "What's up?

139
00:05:24,991 --> 00:05:27,035
You wearing a kid's
fuckin' jacket to my barbecue?"

140
00:05:27,118 --> 00:05:29,996
[audience laughing]

141
00:05:30,080 --> 00:05:32,457
And somehow he validated it.
He was like, "Oh, no, I fuck with Goofy.

142
00:05:32,541 --> 00:05:33,667
I be fuckin' with Goofy."

143
00:05:33,750 --> 00:05:36,253
[audience laughing]

144
00:05:36,336 --> 00:05:38,630
And everybody else was like, "Nah,
he do be fuckin' with Goofy like that."

145
00:05:38,713 --> 00:05:40,131
[audience laughing]

146
00:05:40,215 --> 00:05:42,592
"Y'all, Minnie got a fat ass.
I seen that. I seen that."

147
00:05:43,635 --> 00:05:45,971
I was like, "When did you start
talking like that, Corey? What was that?"

148
00:05:46,054 --> 00:05:48,056
[audience laughing]

149
00:05:49,516 --> 00:05:51,935
That's a subculture I had to learn, man.

150
00:05:52,018 --> 00:05:54,271
I'm from Chicago.
We didn't have Disney adults.

151
00:05:54,354 --> 00:05:56,189
I never learned that
'til I moved to California.

152
00:05:56,273 --> 00:05:57,274
I live in Southern California now,

153
00:05:57,357 --> 00:05:58,817
Disney is in our backyard, you know?

154
00:05:58,900 --> 00:06:00,527
These Disney adults, they're everywhere.

155
00:06:00,610 --> 00:06:02,988
They could be here.
They could be amongst us.

156
00:06:03,864 --> 00:06:05,240
They could be sitting right next to you.

157
00:06:05,323 --> 00:06:07,284
You'd know, they're sticky.
You'd-- You could feel it.

158
00:06:07,367 --> 00:06:09,953
[audience laughing]

159
00:06:10,036 --> 00:06:13,039
But it's crazy, man. I never knew that
'til I moved to California.

160
00:06:13,123 --> 00:06:16,334
It's wild, man. And they do, they just go
to the parks all the time.

161
00:06:17,168 --> 00:06:19,212
I think there should be
two lines at Disney.

162
00:06:19,296 --> 00:06:23,133
Two lines, one for people with kids
and one for people without.

163
00:06:23,216 --> 00:06:24,676
There should be two lines.

164
00:06:24,759 --> 00:06:27,345
And the people with kids
get to go in the park.

165
00:06:28,972 --> 00:06:32,559
[audience laughing]

166
00:06:35,562 --> 00:06:38,273
I don't have kids.
Ergo, we don't go to park.

167
00:06:39,941 --> 00:06:41,818
No, I don't have kids. And you know what?

168
00:06:41,902 --> 00:06:44,029
It's none of your business, by the way.

169
00:06:44,112 --> 00:06:45,614
I don't have kids,
and it's none of your business.

170
00:06:45,697 --> 00:06:48,408
It's none of your business.
Stop asking people.

171
00:06:48,491 --> 00:06:50,535
You say, "Hey, you guys married?" "Yeah."

172
00:06:50,619 --> 00:06:52,454
"Y-You guys have kids?" "No."

173
00:06:52,537 --> 00:06:54,539
"Why?" It-- Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.

174
00:06:54,623 --> 00:06:55,790
[audience laughing]

175
00:06:55,874 --> 00:06:57,042
It ends at, "No."

176
00:06:57,751 --> 00:06:59,920
You don't know and you don't need to know
what people are going through

177
00:07:00,003 --> 00:07:01,880
and what's going on in people's lives.
It's none of your business.

178
00:07:01,963 --> 00:07:04,007
So, if you're gonna ask me
a "none of your business" question,

179
00:07:04,090 --> 00:07:05,675
I'm gonna give you
a "none of your business" answer.

180
00:07:05,759 --> 00:07:07,761
So now, when somebody's like,
"You married?" "Yeah."

181
00:07:07,844 --> 00:07:09,429
"You-- You guys have kids?" "No."

182
00:07:09,512 --> 00:07:11,681
"Why?" "Anal. We'll only do anal."

183
00:07:11,765 --> 00:07:13,642
[audience laughing]

184
00:07:13,725 --> 00:07:15,560
"Yeah, she's saving the front
for her second marriage.

185
00:07:15,644 --> 00:07:18,480
-Yeah, we're only..."
-[audience laughing]

186
00:07:18,563 --> 00:07:19,940
Watch their face. [chuckles]

187
00:07:20,857 --> 00:07:22,609
They turn autistic, they start rubbing
their fingers,

188
00:07:22,692 --> 00:07:25,028
looking at the sky, like,
[shuddering] "Oh!"

189
00:07:25,111 --> 00:07:28,031
[audience laughing]

190
00:07:31,910 --> 00:07:33,244
And we don't have kids. And you know what?

191
00:07:33,328 --> 00:07:35,080
I don't need to know everything
about your kids either.

192
00:07:35,163 --> 00:07:36,873
Okay? I don't.

193
00:07:36,957 --> 00:07:38,667
I don't. Right?

194
00:07:38,750 --> 00:07:40,502
Like my-- my friend, Sarah,
I love her to death.

195
00:07:40,585 --> 00:07:42,420
I've known her for a long time.
She's a sweet girl.

196
00:07:42,504 --> 00:07:45,548
She's very, like, hippy-dippy,
very granola, very crunchy, you know?

197
00:07:45,632 --> 00:07:47,133
[audience laughing]

198
00:07:47,217 --> 00:07:49,427
And she caught wind
that I was flying to Florida.

199
00:07:49,511 --> 00:07:50,762
Uh, I was going to do a gig.

200
00:07:50,845 --> 00:07:52,681
And I was there for, like,
literally 24 hours.

201
00:07:52,764 --> 00:07:54,683
Genuinely, one day in and one day out.

202
00:07:54,766 --> 00:07:56,810
And she texted me, and I'm on the--
I'm on the plane,

203
00:07:56,893 --> 00:07:58,353
and she's like, "I heard
you're coming to Florida.

204
00:07:58,436 --> 00:08:00,397
You gotta come say hi to us. We're here."

205
00:08:00,480 --> 00:08:02,273
And I was like, "I can't.
I don't have any time."

206
00:08:02,357 --> 00:08:05,610
And she goes, "Come on, dude.
You've barely met my husband,

207
00:08:05,694 --> 00:08:08,446
"and you've never met my son,
and he's 10 months old.

208
00:08:08,530 --> 00:08:11,116
He's 10 months old, Andrew,
you haven't even met him."

209
00:08:11,199 --> 00:08:12,450
[audience laughing]

210
00:08:12,534 --> 00:08:14,077
And she goes,
"We're at the beach right now.

211
00:08:14,160 --> 00:08:15,286
Check it out."

212
00:08:15,370 --> 00:08:17,789
And she sent a picture
of her 10-month-old son

213
00:08:17,872 --> 00:08:19,165
naked on the beach.

214
00:08:19,249 --> 00:08:21,918
[audience laughing]

215
00:08:22,002 --> 00:08:25,296
-Just a little naked boy...
-[audience laughing]

216
00:08:25,380 --> 00:08:28,383
-...with a little penis, out on the sand.
-[audience laughing]

217
00:08:28,466 --> 00:08:30,677
And I'm on the plane,
so I was like, "Oh, my God.

218
00:08:31,803 --> 00:08:36,516
"No. No. No, no, no. No, no, no, no.
Nope, nothing. No, no.

219
00:08:36,599 --> 00:08:38,018
Don't, don't. Do not."

220
00:08:40,061 --> 00:08:41,563
What if the plane crashes?

221
00:08:41,646 --> 00:08:43,690
[audience laughing]

222
00:08:43,773 --> 00:08:45,316
Like, the feds are gonna be
like, "Who was he texting

223
00:08:45,400 --> 00:08:47,027
right before it went down?"

224
00:08:48,278 --> 00:08:50,655
My God! What do you
want me to do with that?

225
00:08:50,739 --> 00:08:55,243
What am I supposed to do
with a naked picture of your son?

226
00:08:55,326 --> 00:08:58,163
Seriously, an-- anything
I typed, immediately, was inappropriate.

227
00:08:58,246 --> 00:08:59,664
I was just like, "Oh, he's getting big."

228
00:08:59,748 --> 00:09:02,333
-No, no, no, that's bad.
-[audience laughing]

229
00:09:02,417 --> 00:09:03,585
Yeah, I can't say that.

230
00:09:04,544 --> 00:09:05,795
I was like, "Well, I can't wait
to hold him."

231
00:09:05,879 --> 00:09:07,756
-[laughs] No, no, no.
-[audience laughing]

232
00:09:07,839 --> 00:09:10,467
See, "He looks just like his father.
He looks exactly like his dad."

233
00:09:12,052 --> 00:09:13,678
What do you want me to do?

234
00:09:13,762 --> 00:09:16,431
So, I took my phone to the bathroom.

235
00:09:16,514 --> 00:09:18,391
[audience laughing]

236
00:09:18,475 --> 00:09:19,642
No, I sent her a dick pic,

237
00:09:19,726 --> 00:09:22,896
just a crane neck
in the airplane bathroom.

238
00:09:24,147 --> 00:09:26,024
I was like, "Show him what
he's gotta look forward to."

239
00:09:26,107 --> 00:09:27,525
[audience laughing]

240
00:09:27,609 --> 00:09:30,612
No, they were the same size.
It was actually pretty embarrassing.

241
00:09:30,695 --> 00:09:32,363
[chuckling] Identical in size.

242
00:09:32,447 --> 00:09:33,865
[sniffles]

243
00:09:33,948 --> 00:09:37,118
No, we don't have kids,
but I do have nieces, you know?

244
00:09:37,202 --> 00:09:38,995
And I love them, dude.
They are incredible.

245
00:09:39,245 --> 00:09:41,122
They're so beautiful, so wonderful, man.

246
00:09:41,206 --> 00:09:43,917
It's-- that-- and-- and we get
to treat them like they're ours sometimes.

247
00:09:44,000 --> 00:09:45,877
You know, we get to spoil 'em.
I love spoiling 'em.

248
00:09:45,960 --> 00:09:47,879
Their parents don't like it
that much, you know?

249
00:09:47,962 --> 00:09:49,631
!But I've had like
a little success in comedy.

250
00:09:49,714 --> 00:09:51,466
It's been great, and I wanna,
like, share that with them,

251
00:09:51,549 --> 00:09:52,884
'cause I think it's awesome.

252
00:09:52,967 --> 00:09:55,970
And they were like, "You can't buy them
everything that they want."

253
00:09:56,054 --> 00:09:58,640
-And I was like, "Yes, I can."
-[audience laughing]

254
00:09:58,723 --> 00:10:00,308
Literally any-- anything,
anything, everything.

255
00:10:00,391 --> 00:10:01,810
They're like, "Can I have that?"
I'm like, "Yeah.

256
00:10:01,893 --> 00:10:02,894
Yeah, you could have two of 'em."

257
00:10:02,977 --> 00:10:04,479
[audience laughing]

258
00:10:04,562 --> 00:10:06,648
I bought the 14-year-old
a Jeep Grand Cherokee.

259
00:10:06,731 --> 00:10:09,109
[audience laughing]

260
00:10:09,192 --> 00:10:11,152
She'll know what it's like
in a couple of years, you know?

261
00:10:12,570 --> 00:10:14,405
But the young one is-- is super cute.

262
00:10:14,489 --> 00:10:17,283
The young one's hilarious,
and she called me up one day.

263
00:10:17,367 --> 00:10:20,286
And she said, "Uncle Andrew,
when we come to California,

264
00:10:20,370 --> 00:10:22,622
"will you take me to Universal Studios?

265
00:10:22,705 --> 00:10:26,084
I want to go to Harry Potter... Town."
Whatever it's called.

266
00:10:26,876 --> 00:10:29,587
Harry Potter Place.
Harry Potters. Harry Potters.

267
00:10:29,671 --> 00:10:31,256
[audience laughing]

268
00:10:31,339 --> 00:10:32,841
And I said,
"Of course, I'll take you there.

269
00:10:32,924 --> 00:10:35,218
I would love to take you
to Harry Potter Town,"

270
00:10:35,301 --> 00:10:36,886
or whatever it is. [chuckles]

271
00:10:36,970 --> 00:10:38,555
Even though I have no reference
to Harry Potter,

272
00:10:38,638 --> 00:10:40,056
I know nothing about it.

273
00:10:40,140 --> 00:10:42,851
I'm 41 years old, okay?
I've never read any of the books,

274
00:10:42,934 --> 00:10:44,769
and I've never seen any of the films,

275
00:10:44,853 --> 00:10:46,521
not one frame of the films.

276
00:10:46,688 --> 00:10:48,815
I know a lot of people are like,
"What? What are you talking about?"

277
00:10:48,898 --> 00:10:49,983
But like, you have to understand,

278
00:10:50,066 --> 00:10:51,526
most of my adult life,

279
00:10:51,609 --> 00:10:53,236
I've been having sex with women.

280
00:10:53,319 --> 00:10:55,613
-So, it just has been--
-[audience laughing]

281
00:10:55,697 --> 00:10:58,575
Yeah, it's not-- I never was
a loser, like, ever, once.

282
00:10:58,658 --> 00:11:00,660
[audience laughing]

283
00:11:01,953 --> 00:11:05,373
But she came into town
and, uh, she got all excited,

284
00:11:05,456 --> 00:11:07,292
and it's like, "We're gonna
go to Harry Potter."

285
00:11:07,375 --> 00:11:08,751
And she's like, "Will you wear a cape?"

286
00:11:08,835 --> 00:11:10,712
And I was like, "No, no, no, no, no."

287
00:11:10,795 --> 00:11:11,963
[audience laughing]

288
00:11:12,046 --> 00:11:13,840
"No chance you're gonna
catch me in a cape."

289
00:11:13,923 --> 00:11:16,467
She's like, "Oh, oh, alright.
Well, will you paint my face for me?"

290
00:11:16,551 --> 00:11:18,803
I said, "Of course, I will."
So, I put her up on the sink

291
00:11:18,887 --> 00:11:20,680
and I got the face makeup, you know?

292
00:11:20,763 --> 00:11:23,975
And she showed me on the phone,
she showed me Harry Potter, you know?

293
00:11:24,058 --> 00:11:25,852
And she wanted it exactly like that.

294
00:11:25,935 --> 00:11:28,188
And so, then I carefully,
meticulously, I drew

295
00:11:28,271 --> 00:11:30,315
right above her eyebrow, the, um...

296
00:11:30,398 --> 00:11:31,482
Oh, my God.

297
00:11:32,358 --> 00:11:34,611
Yeah, thank you. Yeah, the swastika,
right here above her--

298
00:11:34,694 --> 00:11:36,696
-[audience laughing]
-No, no.

299
00:11:36,779 --> 00:11:39,240
It's a lightning bolt.
It is a lightning bolt.

300
00:11:39,324 --> 00:11:41,784
But if you draw two of them,
it's like, "Uh-oh, that's pretty close."

301
00:11:41,868 --> 00:11:42,869
[audience laughing]

302
00:11:42,952 --> 00:11:44,245
That's dangerous. [laughs]

303
00:11:46,497 --> 00:11:47,999
But I was-- I was like
a little apprehensive that day.

304
00:11:48,082 --> 00:11:49,584
I didn't really wanna go.
I was kinda bummed out.

305
00:11:49,667 --> 00:11:51,211
I was like, "Oh, this is gonna
be a whole thing," you know?

306
00:11:51,294 --> 00:11:52,670
And I took her-- and little did I know,

307
00:11:52,754 --> 00:11:55,256
they serve alcohol at Universal Studios.
[chuckles]

308
00:11:55,340 --> 00:11:56,758
So, I blacked out within an hour.

309
00:11:56,841 --> 00:11:58,176
I was completely blacked out.

310
00:11:58,259 --> 00:12:01,095
I put on that cape, baby.
I was like, "Yeah, buddy."

311
00:12:01,179 --> 00:12:03,139
I was running around. I was like,
[in British accent] "I'm Ron Weasley.

312
00:12:03,223 --> 00:12:06,059
-I'm Ron Weasley."
-[audience laughing]

313
00:12:06,142 --> 00:12:07,936
Looking for that Hermione.
You know what I mean?

314
00:12:08,019 --> 00:12:09,771
[audience laughing]

315
00:12:11,105 --> 00:12:13,358
People get all weird, too.
I know about Harry Potter.

316
00:12:13,441 --> 00:12:14,692
Chill the fuck out. Okay?

317
00:12:14,776 --> 00:12:15,902
[audience laughing]

318
00:12:15,985 --> 00:12:17,403
I mean, not really, but I just--

319
00:12:17,487 --> 00:12:19,155
I agree with everything
the creator has ever said.

320
00:12:19,239 --> 00:12:21,699
-That-- That is--
-[audience laughing]

321
00:12:21,783 --> 00:12:22,867
Alright, dude.

322
00:12:24,994 --> 00:12:28,456
I will say, it must be like a--
it must be hard to raise kids

323
00:12:28,539 --> 00:12:29,874
in this day and age anyway, you know?

324
00:12:29,958 --> 00:12:31,334
It must be tough, you know?

325
00:12:31,417 --> 00:12:33,711
My-- my uncle was talking to me,
he was like,

326
00:12:33,795 --> 00:12:36,422
"You know what they're trying
to do in our school district?

327
00:12:36,506 --> 00:12:38,800
"You know they're gonna do
these drag queen book shows?

328
00:12:38,883 --> 00:12:41,844
"They're gonna do book show--
drag queen book shows, you know that?

329
00:12:41,928 --> 00:12:43,888
"You know about those
book shows from the draggies?

330
00:12:43,972 --> 00:12:45,223
They're doing it.

331
00:12:45,306 --> 00:12:47,225
Drag queen book shows."

332
00:12:47,308 --> 00:12:48,601
I was like, "Wow, that's wild."

333
00:12:48,685 --> 00:12:50,561
He goes, "Yeah, let me
tell you something, pal.

334
00:12:51,938 --> 00:12:56,025
Ain't no drag queen
is gonna read a fuckin' book to my kid."

335
00:12:57,318 --> 00:12:58,403
And I was like, "Well,

336
00:12:58,486 --> 00:13:00,697
you're not gonna read any fuckin' books
to your kids, so...

337
00:13:00,822 --> 00:13:01,948
[audience laughing]

338
00:13:02,031 --> 00:13:03,032
"...you might as well
let someone in costume

339
00:13:03,116 --> 00:13:04,200
-give it a go, you know?"

340
00:13:04,284 --> 00:13:06,369
-[audience laughing]

341
00:13:06,452 --> 00:13:08,538
[audience cheering, applauding]

342
00:13:08,621 --> 00:13:11,082
No, look, let me-- let me say this.

343
00:13:11,833 --> 00:13:14,877
If you don't want drag queens
reading books to your kids, that's fine.

344
00:13:14,961 --> 00:13:16,337
Good God! Do whatever you want.

345
00:13:16,421 --> 00:13:18,464
Your kids, your choice. Okay?

346
00:13:18,548 --> 00:13:20,174
Do whatever you want. I get that.

347
00:13:21,009 --> 00:13:22,969
But where it loses me
is when he continues on,

348
00:13:23,052 --> 00:13:26,431
and he was just like,
"Yeah, these drag queens, you know?

349
00:13:26,514 --> 00:13:30,018
"That ain't my America.
That ain't the America I love.

350
00:13:30,101 --> 00:13:31,436
That's not my country."

351
00:13:32,270 --> 00:13:33,855
I was like, "Yes, it is."

352
00:13:33,938 --> 00:13:36,482
-[audience laughing]
-Do you know anything about this place?

353
00:13:36,566 --> 00:13:38,359
Do you guys know about the history
of this place?

354
00:13:38,443 --> 00:13:41,988
Seriously? This place
was founded by drag queens.

355
00:13:43,114 --> 00:13:44,657
Have you ever seen your forefathers?

356
00:13:45,783 --> 00:13:49,078
They wore wigs.
They wore wigs, and makeup,

357
00:13:49,162 --> 00:13:51,289
and little heels,
and they walked around all day.

358
00:13:51,372 --> 00:13:55,710
[in a high pitch] "Hello."
[laughs theatrically] "Hello."

359
00:13:55,793 --> 00:13:57,712
Just Mrs. Doubtfire-ing all over town.

360
00:13:57,795 --> 00:13:58,838
[audience laughing]

361
00:13:58,921 --> 00:14:00,548
They signed shit with feather pens.

362
00:14:00,631 --> 00:14:02,508
You know how fuckin' gay feather pens are?

363
00:14:02,592 --> 00:14:03,593
[audience laughing]

364
00:14:04,052 --> 00:14:06,637
That's the faggiest of all
the penery, by a landslide.

365
00:14:06,888 --> 00:14:08,639
"How'd they get around town, Andrew?"
"By horseback."

366
00:14:08,723 --> 00:14:09,724
You know how gay--

367
00:14:09,807 --> 00:14:11,684
[audience laughing]

368
00:14:11,768 --> 00:14:12,852
"I'm coming."

369
00:14:14,020 --> 00:14:15,980
That's the gayest way to get around.

370
00:14:16,064 --> 00:14:17,982
I'd walk! They'd be like,
"It'll take you seven days."

371
00:14:18,066 --> 00:14:19,567
Like, "I'll see you in a week.
I'm gonna walk."

372
00:14:21,903 --> 00:14:24,030
For the record, by the way, I hate horses.

373
00:14:24,739 --> 00:14:27,200
Every time I do that joke,
I think how much I hate horses so much.

374
00:14:27,283 --> 00:14:29,744
I hate 'em. What are we doing
with these things?

375
00:14:29,827 --> 00:14:31,329
Cut it out.

376
00:14:31,412 --> 00:14:32,997
-Cut it out!
-[audience member] Yeah!

377
00:14:33,081 --> 00:14:34,290
It's gone too far!

378
00:14:34,957 --> 00:14:36,667
We're in Louisville, Kentucky.
We're in Louisville.

379
00:14:36,751 --> 00:14:38,669
[with Southern accent] We're down there
in Louisville, Kentucky.

380
00:14:38,753 --> 00:14:41,672
And I walked outside of our hotel,
and there was just a man on a horse.

381
00:14:41,756 --> 00:14:43,216
Just a man on a horse.

382
00:14:43,299 --> 00:14:44,884
And out loud, I go, "Get down!"

383
00:14:44,967 --> 00:14:46,052
[audience laughing]

384
00:14:46,135 --> 00:14:47,178
"Get down now!"

385
00:14:48,054 --> 00:14:51,140
I don't like it.
"What are you doing up there?"

386
00:14:52,725 --> 00:14:54,435
It doesn't make any sense
in this day and age.

387
00:14:54,519 --> 00:14:56,062
You ever see a cop on a horse?

388
00:14:56,145 --> 00:14:57,939
You ever see a cop on a horse?
You're like, "I pay for that?

389
00:14:58,022 --> 00:15:00,441
"What is that? What the fuck is that?

390
00:15:01,567 --> 00:15:03,945
"Didn't we give you a car
with 300 of those inside of it?

391
00:15:04,028 --> 00:15:05,029
Get down now!"

392
00:15:05,113 --> 00:15:07,198
[audience laughing]

393
00:15:07,281 --> 00:15:09,659
Also, hey, cop on a horse,
who are you gonna catch?

394
00:15:09,742 --> 00:15:11,994
Who the fuck are you gonna catch?

395
00:15:12,078 --> 00:15:13,913
Not me. Not me.

396
00:15:13,996 --> 00:15:16,457
Just one of these-- Ah!
One of those to a cop on a horse.

397
00:15:17,125 --> 00:15:19,377
Dude, one-- Ska-cow! One juke move.

398
00:15:20,211 --> 00:15:23,464
Little Allen Iverson crossover.
Aah-ah! One of those.

399
00:15:23,548 --> 00:15:26,259
-Just break a horse's ankles.
-[audience laughing]

400
00:15:26,342 --> 00:15:29,971
Dude, horse up, officer down,
Andrew home. It's game over.

401
00:15:33,599 --> 00:15:34,684
You know I'm right.

402
00:15:34,767 --> 00:15:36,602
[audience laughing]

403
00:15:36,686 --> 00:15:39,522
Here's the wild thing, dude. I'm right.
They don't want you on their back.

404
00:15:39,605 --> 00:15:41,232
I had to look it up
to make sure I was correct.

405
00:15:41,315 --> 00:15:42,859
They do not want you on their back.

406
00:15:43,651 --> 00:15:47,780
A comically absurd amount
of people die every year from horseback.

407
00:15:47,864 --> 00:15:50,533
It's wild-- Dude, an absurd
number of humans die

408
00:15:50,616 --> 00:15:51,617
every year from horseback.

409
00:15:51,701 --> 00:15:54,495
You never heard a word about it.
Never once.

410
00:15:54,579 --> 00:15:56,289
Never once. Take a guess, Minneapolis.

411
00:15:56,372 --> 00:15:58,082
How many people do you think
die every year by horseback?

412
00:15:58,166 --> 00:16:00,042
-Go ahead, let me hear. Give it a guess.
-[audience member] Ten thousand.

413
00:16:00,126 --> 00:16:01,127
Ten thousand?

414
00:16:01,210 --> 00:16:03,546
[audience laughing]

415
00:16:03,629 --> 00:16:05,965
That's, I mean, maybe the dumbest thing
I've ever heard in my entire life.

416
00:16:06,048 --> 00:16:07,467
[audience laughing]

417
00:16:07,550 --> 00:16:10,178
-[laughing] Ten thousand?
-[audience laughing]

418
00:16:10,261 --> 00:16:12,513
The cops don't even kill
that many people, dude. That's--

419
00:16:12,597 --> 00:16:13,931
[audience laughing]

420
00:16:14,015 --> 00:16:15,183
My God, sir.

421
00:16:18,102 --> 00:16:20,855
Ten-- That's like when you ask
a kid how much a house costs.

422
00:16:20,938 --> 00:16:22,857
[audience laughing]

423
00:16:22,940 --> 00:16:24,150
Like, "How much do
you think this house is?"

424
00:16:24,233 --> 00:16:26,068
They're like, "$47?"

425
00:16:26,861 --> 00:16:28,821
Yeah, yeah, somebody get
this fuckin' kid outta my house.

426
00:16:29,655 --> 00:16:31,115
[chuckling] Forty dollars.

427
00:16:32,950 --> 00:16:34,494
It's 700.

428
00:16:34,577 --> 00:16:36,078
[audience laughing]

429
00:16:36,162 --> 00:16:37,830
That should still shock you!

430
00:16:38,498 --> 00:16:42,376
Seven hundred is a lot of people, okay?
That's a lot of people.

431
00:16:42,460 --> 00:16:45,379
Seven hundred people.
You never heard a peep about it.

432
00:16:45,463 --> 00:16:47,757
Yet, Discovery Channel has an entire week

433
00:16:47,840 --> 00:16:49,592
dedicated to sharks.

434
00:16:49,675 --> 00:16:52,762
-[audience member cheers]
-These evil creatures of the sea,

435
00:16:52,845 --> 00:16:55,932
killing at will,
just thrashing human lives.

436
00:16:56,015 --> 00:16:58,059
You know how many people die
every year from shark attacks?

437
00:16:58,142 --> 00:17:00,353
-Five!
-[audience laughing]

438
00:17:00,436 --> 00:17:04,190
-Fi-- se-- seven hundred!
-[audience laughing]

439
00:17:04,273 --> 00:17:06,317
-Five. [laughs]
-[audience laughing]

440
00:17:06,400 --> 00:17:09,028
-What?
-[audience laughing]

441
00:17:09,111 --> 00:17:10,196
What are we talking about?

442
00:17:11,906 --> 00:17:13,658
Last year was the biggest year for sharks.

443
00:17:13,741 --> 00:17:15,368
[imitating Donald Trump]
Big year for sharks.

444
00:17:15,451 --> 00:17:17,495
[audience laughing]

445
00:17:17,578 --> 00:17:19,789
Probably the greatest year for sharks.
Some of the best sharks.

446
00:17:19,872 --> 00:17:21,874
Some people say we have the best sharks.

447
00:17:22,750 --> 00:17:25,419
Great White, exclusively white.
Great and white.

448
00:17:25,503 --> 00:17:28,589
[audience laughing]

449
00:17:28,673 --> 00:17:30,424
[normal] Last year was the biggest year
they've had in a long time.

450
00:17:30,508 --> 00:17:33,427
Fourteen. Fourteen deaths, right?

451
00:17:33,511 --> 00:17:36,806
Ten of which, Google said,
10 of which were unprovoked.

452
00:17:37,807 --> 00:17:39,475
[audience laughing]

453
00:17:39,559 --> 00:17:40,560
What's that now?

454
00:17:41,644 --> 00:17:42,645
Who

455
00:17:42,728 --> 00:17:43,729
the fuck

456
00:17:43,813 --> 00:17:45,606
is provoking a shark?

457
00:17:45,690 --> 00:17:47,275
[audience laughing]

458
00:17:47,358 --> 00:17:49,318
I'll tell you who, the kinda guy
that guesses 10,000.

459
00:17:49,402 --> 00:17:51,988
-That guy right there.
-[audience laughing]

460
00:17:54,365 --> 00:17:56,325
That guy or an Australian. Either way.

461
00:17:56,993 --> 00:17:58,578
I don't know if you met
these people. They are wild.

462
00:17:58,661 --> 00:18:00,997
We spent time in Australia. Dude, crazy.

463
00:18:01,080 --> 00:18:02,623
We got in the water and the guy was like,

464
00:18:02,707 --> 00:18:04,750
[in Australian accent] "Hi, mate.
Mate, if you see a shark,

465
00:18:04,834 --> 00:18:07,003
if you see a fuckin' shark,
don't swim away."

466
00:18:07,086 --> 00:18:08,504
[normal] I was like,
"I'm definitely swimming away."

467
00:18:08,588 --> 00:18:09,714
[audience laughing]

468
00:18:09,797 --> 00:18:10,965
He's like, [in Australian accent]
"Don't do that, mate.

469
00:18:11,048 --> 00:18:12,633
Just fuckin' punch it in the nose."

470
00:18:12,967 --> 00:18:14,594
[normal] "Punch it in the no--"

471
00:18:14,677 --> 00:18:16,596
[in Australian accent] "Yeah,
punch it right in the nose, underwater.

472
00:18:16,679 --> 00:18:19,265
"Just wiggle your arm underwater,
like it's in Jell-O,

473
00:18:19,348 --> 00:18:21,183
"and wait for its mouth to clo--
I mean, you gotta wait.

474
00:18:21,267 --> 00:18:23,644
"It'll be open, then closed.
Just wait a minute.

475
00:18:23,728 --> 00:18:25,938
Give it a beat, and then bop it
right on the fuckin' nose."

476
00:18:26,022 --> 00:18:27,940
[audience laughing]

477
00:18:28,024 --> 00:18:29,358
[normal] It's like,
"You want me to get into a bar fight

478
00:18:29,442 --> 00:18:30,735
with a shark at his bar?

479
00:18:30,818 --> 00:18:32,320
Is that what you want?"

480
00:18:32,403 --> 00:18:33,946
No, I'm gonna give it
the limb I like the least.

481
00:18:34,030 --> 00:18:36,782
I'm gonna give him my left arm
and just move on with my day.

482
00:18:36,866 --> 00:18:38,492
[audience laughing]

483
00:18:40,661 --> 00:18:43,164
Australia was wild, man.
We got to travel the whole world.

484
00:18:43,247 --> 00:18:44,665
But it was really cool
seeing the United States

485
00:18:44,749 --> 00:18:45,750
from this different perspective.

486
00:18:45,833 --> 00:18:48,210
I got to go all over
this beautiful, great country.

487
00:18:48,294 --> 00:18:49,837
Spent a lot of time in the South.

488
00:18:49,920 --> 00:18:51,505
The South was awesome, man.

489
00:18:51,589 --> 00:18:54,133
We had our guy in Texas,
our promoter, this dude, he was so funny.

490
00:18:54,216 --> 00:18:56,052
He was like, [in Southern accent]
"When y'all are done with your stage show,

491
00:18:56,135 --> 00:18:58,387
"with that little thing
y'all do, little weirdo thing y'all do,

492
00:18:59,263 --> 00:19:00,556
do y'all wanna shoot guns?"

493
00:19:01,641 --> 00:19:03,225
[normal] I was like,
"I-- Maybe, I don't know.

494
00:19:03,309 --> 00:19:04,685
I mean, where... Where?"

495
00:19:04,769 --> 00:19:05,978
He's like, [in Southern accent]
"Just right out back.

496
00:19:06,062 --> 00:19:07,188
We can do it right out back."

497
00:19:07,772 --> 00:19:09,398
[normal] I was like, "Behind the theater?"

498
00:19:09,482 --> 00:19:10,900
He's like, [in Southern accent]
"Oh, yeah, dude."

499
00:19:10,983 --> 00:19:12,693
[normal] I was like, "What--
I mean, what can we shoot?"

500
00:19:12,777 --> 00:19:14,654
He's like, [in Southern accent]
"Anything within reason."

501
00:19:14,737 --> 00:19:16,489
[audience laughing]

502
00:19:16,572 --> 00:19:18,616
[normal] I didn't want to hear.
I didn't wanna know, I didn't ask.

503
00:19:19,408 --> 00:19:21,911
I didn't want him to be like,
"Anybody darker than me is gonna be fine."

504
00:19:21,994 --> 00:19:23,704
[audience laughing]

505
00:19:24,538 --> 00:19:26,791
So, I was on tour with my,
uh, my best buddy, Bobby,

506
00:19:26,874 --> 00:19:28,250
my little sweet Asian prince.

507
00:19:28,334 --> 00:19:30,628
[audience cheering]

508
00:19:30,711 --> 00:19:32,171
My little prince.

509
00:19:32,254 --> 00:19:34,173
And I went to go ask him
if he wanted to shoot guns.

510
00:19:34,256 --> 00:19:36,300
He was on the bus.
He was playing Nintendo Switch.

511
00:19:36,926 --> 00:19:38,260
He didn't even look up.

512
00:19:38,344 --> 00:19:39,679
Hey-- I just go, "Hey, man,
you wanna shoot guns?"

513
00:19:39,762 --> 00:19:41,097
He just goes, "Too loud."

514
00:19:41,180 --> 00:19:42,973
[audience laughing]

515
00:19:43,057 --> 00:19:44,892
Like a dad, I was like,
"That's right, buddy, they are too loud.

516
00:19:44,975 --> 00:19:47,395
Aren't they too loud? Good boy. Good boy."

517
00:19:51,190 --> 00:19:52,274
They are too loud!

518
00:19:52,983 --> 00:19:55,236
I like guns, but they are too loud.

519
00:19:55,319 --> 00:19:56,612
We should change the sound.

520
00:19:57,905 --> 00:20:00,324
We should emasculate the sound of a gun.

521
00:20:00,408 --> 00:20:02,743
It'll help you weed out all the psychos.

522
00:20:02,827 --> 00:20:04,203
I think it might work 'cause I don't know

523
00:20:04,286 --> 00:20:06,288
a lot of lunatics that are
gonna go to the gun range

524
00:20:06,372 --> 00:20:11,585
if every time they shoot it's like,
[imitates whiny gun sounds].

525
00:20:14,171 --> 00:20:15,798
You gonna go shoot clays
if it's like, "Pull."

526
00:20:15,881 --> 00:20:19,510
-Fwoom. "Yes, queen." "Yes, queen."
-[audience laughing]

527
00:20:22,012 --> 00:20:25,015
-It'll stop drive-bys, that'll go away.
-[audience laughing]

528
00:20:25,099 --> 00:20:27,184
Never hear a drive-by again,
like, "Hey, yo, get down!"

529
00:20:27,268 --> 00:20:32,481
"D-d-d-d-daddy, d-d-d-d-daddy.
Pa-pa, pa-pa, pa-pa. Bang-bang."

530
00:20:32,565 --> 00:20:34,483
[audience laughing]

531
00:20:34,567 --> 00:20:35,735
[laughs] It might work.

532
00:20:36,777 --> 00:20:37,778
It might work.

533
00:20:38,904 --> 00:20:40,990
Unless one of those gay gangs
gets a hold of 'em.

534
00:20:41,073 --> 00:20:42,616
[audience laughing]

535
00:20:42,700 --> 00:20:45,536
You know these gay gangs we're
all worried about these days,

536
00:20:45,619 --> 00:20:48,539
just running up on you at night,
just like, "Take off your clothes."

537
00:20:48,622 --> 00:20:49,874
[audience laughing]

538
00:20:49,957 --> 00:20:51,959
"Listen, fellas, just take my wallet."

539
00:20:52,042 --> 00:20:54,545
"Keep your wallet.
Take off your motherfuckin' clothes."

540
00:20:54,628 --> 00:20:56,630
-[audience laughing]
-At some point, you're like,

541
00:20:56,714 --> 00:20:58,799
"This gay gang is robbing me!

542
00:20:58,883 --> 00:21:03,429
"Oh, shit! They're robbing me blind.
These are bad boys.

543
00:21:03,512 --> 00:21:05,890
"Oh, God. Call the cops,
in a couple of minutes.

544
00:21:05,973 --> 00:21:07,558
"Call the police in a minute.

545
00:21:07,641 --> 00:21:09,310
"Oh, [smacking lips]
yeah, these are bad boys.

546
00:21:09,393 --> 00:21:10,728
They're up to no good."

547
00:21:10,811 --> 00:21:12,813
[audience laughing]

548
00:21:14,815 --> 00:21:18,110
By the way, this is the most
disrespectful shit on Earth.

549
00:21:18,194 --> 00:21:20,738
The hand on the head.
[gags] It's just so gross.

550
00:21:21,530 --> 00:21:23,866
Whenever I see this in porn,
I'm always like, "Leave her alone!

551
00:21:25,034 --> 00:21:26,327
She's already doing it."

552
00:21:26,410 --> 00:21:28,078
[audience laughing]

553
00:21:28,162 --> 00:21:30,289
This is-- this is like honking right when
the light turns green,

554
00:21:30,372 --> 00:21:34,877
-you're like, "Alright! We're going.
-[audience laughing]

555
00:21:34,960 --> 00:21:36,128
Give it a second."

556
00:21:38,339 --> 00:21:40,216
Also, why are you doing that?
They're not lost.

557
00:21:41,342 --> 00:21:44,637
They're not down there like,
"Oh, oh, thank you." [chuckles]

558
00:21:44,720 --> 00:21:45,971
"Thank you."

559
00:21:47,306 --> 00:21:48,516
They don't need the help.
We need the help.

560
00:21:48,599 --> 00:21:51,268
Girls, grab my ears.
Show me where to go, please.

561
00:21:51,977 --> 00:21:53,896
I thought the clit was in the asshole
for like 20 years.

562
00:21:53,979 --> 00:21:56,607
I had no idea. I was brown-nosing.

563
00:21:56,690 --> 00:21:58,734
[audience laughing]

564
00:21:59,610 --> 00:22:01,028
I will say, there's definitely
some women in here

565
00:22:01,111 --> 00:22:02,279
that like the hand
on the back of the head.

566
00:22:02,363 --> 00:22:03,823
No doubt, they're here. Where are you?

567
00:22:03,906 --> 00:22:04,907
-Where are you?
-[isolated cheering]

568
00:22:04,990 --> 00:22:05,991
Eh-ah-ah-ah, there they are.

569
00:22:06,075 --> 00:22:07,660
There's the dead dad club, upstairs.

570
00:22:07,743 --> 00:22:09,370
-Right up there.
-[audience laughing]

571
00:22:09,453 --> 00:22:12,373
You know that girl. She's like,
"My dad died when I was 16,

572
00:22:12,456 --> 00:22:13,833
"so you could do whatever you want to me.

573
00:22:14,917 --> 00:22:17,127
No, I don't have any gag reflex.
I never had one." [chuckles]

574
00:22:17,211 --> 00:22:19,213
[audience laughing]

575
00:22:20,297 --> 00:22:22,508
I know, by the way,
I know when I talk about guns,

576
00:22:22,591 --> 00:22:23,801
I know in certain parts of the country,

577
00:22:23,884 --> 00:22:25,386
people get a little
uncomfortable about it.

578
00:22:25,469 --> 00:22:27,930
I get it, you know? But it's--
It's a reality, it really is.

579
00:22:28,013 --> 00:22:30,516
It's a part of our reality,
truly, you know?

580
00:22:30,599 --> 00:22:32,184
And I was down there in the South,

581
00:22:32,268 --> 00:22:35,396
uh, and it was June and July,
sweltering, you know?

582
00:22:35,479 --> 00:22:38,148
I was in my hotel, I was reading the news,
and this article popped up,

583
00:22:38,232 --> 00:22:40,568
and it said,
"Yet another school shooting."

584
00:22:41,277 --> 00:22:44,405
Big bold letters,
"Yet another school shooting."

585
00:22:44,488 --> 00:22:46,198
I put my coffee down
and I went to the hotel window,

586
00:22:46,282 --> 00:22:48,993
and I was just like, [sighs]

587
00:22:49,076 --> 00:22:50,411
"Isn't it summer?"

588
00:22:50,494 --> 00:22:53,080
[audience laughing]

589
00:22:55,374 --> 00:22:56,375
Are they--

590
00:22:57,209 --> 00:22:59,879
Are they summer school shooting now, dude?

591
00:22:59,962 --> 00:23:02,923
Oh, my God! You can't hit
the off-season kids.

592
00:23:03,007 --> 00:23:04,717
[audience laughing]

593
00:23:04,800 --> 00:23:07,469
You gotta go for the starting five, man.
That is crazy.

594
00:23:10,556 --> 00:23:12,266
Look, I know school shootings
are disgusting.

595
00:23:12,349 --> 00:23:14,476
They're an abhorrent part
of our culture. It's awful.

596
00:23:14,560 --> 00:23:16,645
There's nothing funny
about school shootings.

597
00:23:16,729 --> 00:23:17,813
But...

598
00:23:17,897 --> 00:23:20,524
[audience laughing]

599
00:23:20,608 --> 00:23:24,653
I can't believe that none
of them, not one of them,

600
00:23:24,737 --> 00:23:27,865
-was ever done by a janitor.
-[audience laughing]

601
00:23:27,948 --> 00:23:31,952
Never? Do you remember
how we treated these people?

602
00:23:32,036 --> 00:23:34,622
Janitors? I vividly remember
being like, "Mr. Summerland,

603
00:23:34,705 --> 00:23:36,540
sit on it, you bald piece of shit."

604
00:23:36,624 --> 00:23:37,791
[audience laughing]

605
00:23:37,875 --> 00:23:40,294
To a veteran of war,
I talked to like that.

606
00:23:40,377 --> 00:23:41,462
[audience laughing]

607
00:23:41,545 --> 00:23:43,505
A guy who had to put wood chips on vomit

608
00:23:43,589 --> 00:23:46,300
and take it from a nine-year-old.

609
00:23:46,383 --> 00:23:49,053
Like, what? These guys
have been through so much,

610
00:23:49,136 --> 00:23:51,430
and they have to stare at a cafeteria
filled with little gremlins,

611
00:23:51,513 --> 00:23:55,142
just ruining it every day.
[mimics a gremlin]

612
00:23:55,225 --> 00:23:58,187
Getting it sticky and wet. Just gross!

613
00:23:58,270 --> 00:24:00,439
How do they not have a flashback, right?

614
00:24:00,522 --> 00:24:02,900
Snap back into the old days.
See Charlie everywhere.

615
00:24:02,983 --> 00:24:04,526
Drop the broom, pick up a street sweeper.

616
00:24:04,610 --> 00:24:06,612
Like, "You know what?" [mimics gunfire]

617
00:24:07,863 --> 00:24:10,282
Where are they gonna go?
He's got all the keys.

618
00:24:10,366 --> 00:24:14,411
[audience laughing]

619
00:24:21,251 --> 00:24:22,962
Then again, that's just, uh...

620
00:24:23,045 --> 00:24:24,588
That's just one more mess
he's gotta clean up.

621
00:24:24,672 --> 00:24:26,548
-So, what are you gonna do, man?
-[audience laughing]

622
00:24:26,632 --> 00:24:30,344
[in deep voice] "These kids.
Goddamn these kids."

623
00:24:30,427 --> 00:24:32,137
[audience laughing]

624
00:24:36,016 --> 00:24:37,434
It's been great. It has been great
running around.

625
00:24:37,518 --> 00:24:39,895
The best part, to me,
about going on tour, truly,

626
00:24:39,979 --> 00:24:42,314
was that I get to go home a lot.
I get to see my parents.

627
00:24:42,398 --> 00:24:44,733
You know, that is the best part.
'Cause they're getting older,

628
00:24:44,817 --> 00:24:46,151
and I wanna spend a lot of time with 'em.

629
00:24:46,235 --> 00:24:48,821
My dad is old, he's retired.
He doesn't do anything.

630
00:24:48,904 --> 00:24:50,364
My dad doesn't do shit, all day long.

631
00:24:50,447 --> 00:24:51,991
He sits in his chair. He has a chair.

632
00:24:52,074 --> 00:24:53,742
I don't know if your dad has a chair.

633
00:24:53,826 --> 00:24:55,244
My dad has a chair. That's his chair.

634
00:24:55,327 --> 00:24:56,996
You can't sit in it. You know that.

635
00:24:57,079 --> 00:24:58,622
He wants to die in the chair.

636
00:24:59,540 --> 00:25:01,291
I know, 'cause he'll be
in the kitchen, coughing,

637
00:25:01,375 --> 00:25:04,211
pointing at it like... [coughing]

638
00:25:04,294 --> 00:25:05,295
We're like,
"Get him in the chair.

639
00:25:05,379 --> 00:25:06,505
Come on, get him in the chair.
Let's go."

640
00:25:06,588 --> 00:25:09,299
[audience laughing]

641
00:25:11,468 --> 00:25:12,886
My sister started dating a new guy.

642
00:25:12,970 --> 00:25:14,346
She brought him over to the house.

643
00:25:14,430 --> 00:25:16,056
I brought him in the living room,
and I was like,

644
00:25:16,140 --> 00:25:19,184
-"Take a seat, man. Have a-- have a seat."
-[audience laughing]

645
00:25:19,268 --> 00:25:22,062
My dad came in, he was like,
"What the fuck is this?"

646
00:25:22,938 --> 00:25:24,523
I was like, "I know.
And he's fucking your daughter.

647
00:25:24,606 --> 00:25:26,150
-I know. It's just--"
-[audience laughing]

648
00:25:26,233 --> 00:25:28,777
[clearing throat] "That's a bad guy, Pop.
That's a real bad guy.

649
00:25:29,403 --> 00:25:30,988
You gotta get him outta here, huh?"

650
00:25:31,071 --> 00:25:33,240
[audience laughing]

651
00:25:33,323 --> 00:25:35,200
My dad sits in his chair all day.

652
00:25:35,284 --> 00:25:37,745
He watches Fox News and Ancient Aliens.
That's all he does.

653
00:25:38,495 --> 00:25:42,291
Fox News, Ancient Aliens.
He loves Ancient Aliens.

654
00:25:42,374 --> 00:25:44,168
He hates illegal aliens,
and I'm like, "Dad,

655
00:25:45,294 --> 00:25:47,421
they both built the pyramids.
You can't pick and choose, man."

656
00:25:47,504 --> 00:25:49,506
[audience laughing]

657
00:25:51,508 --> 00:25:52,801
He's funny, man.

658
00:25:52,885 --> 00:25:54,344
He used to love to fuck with us
when I was a kid.

659
00:25:54,428 --> 00:25:56,263
That was like his favorite thing,
was to embarrass me.

660
00:25:56,346 --> 00:25:58,265
He loved that so much, man.

661
00:25:58,348 --> 00:25:59,933
And here I was, like, 14 years old.

662
00:26:00,059 --> 00:26:01,268
It's like one of the most vulnerable time

663
00:26:01,351 --> 00:26:02,728
in a young man's life, you know?

664
00:26:02,811 --> 00:26:03,979
You're so uncomfortable with yourself,

665
00:26:04,063 --> 00:26:05,147
and this is when
you start discovering yourself.

666
00:26:05,230 --> 00:26:06,231
You start pulling on yourself,

667
00:26:06,315 --> 00:26:07,649
you really start tugging.

668
00:26:07,733 --> 00:26:09,860
You're pulling all the time,
dude. It's unbelievable.

669
00:26:09,943 --> 00:26:11,445
All you're thinking about all day,
"I gotta get home and pull.

670
00:26:11,528 --> 00:26:12,529
"I gotta get home and pull.

671
00:26:13,280 --> 00:26:15,365
"Gotta get home and pull
four, five, six, seven, eight times.

672
00:26:15,449 --> 00:26:17,034
Something, I gotta pull a whole bunch."

673
00:26:17,117 --> 00:26:18,410
I'd be pulling. I gotta be pulling.

674
00:26:20,454 --> 00:26:21,789
People will weaponize it, you know?

675
00:26:21,872 --> 00:26:23,499
You're so embarrassed by it,
you'll go to school,

676
00:26:23,582 --> 00:26:27,086
and someone will be like,
"Santino jerks off." [laughs]

677
00:26:28,003 --> 00:26:31,173
You'll be like,
"No, I don't! No, I don't!"

678
00:26:32,633 --> 00:26:36,512
You get home and you're like,
"Yes, I do. Yes, I do."

679
00:26:38,972 --> 00:26:41,683
My dad, in the middle of dinner,
cutting into a steak, looks up and goes,

680
00:26:41,767 --> 00:26:43,477
"You been spending a lot
of time in the bathroom."

681
00:26:43,560 --> 00:26:44,770
[mimics puttering]

682
00:26:44,853 --> 00:26:46,772
-[audience laughing]
-I was like,

683
00:26:46,855 --> 00:26:48,732
"Mom, can I excuse myself
to kill myself, please?"

684
00:26:48,816 --> 00:26:50,150
[audience laughing]

685
00:26:50,984 --> 00:26:53,529
But now I get him back, you know,
'cause I have a little bit of money

686
00:26:53,612 --> 00:26:55,197
and I buy him stuff, you know?

687
00:26:55,280 --> 00:26:56,865
I take care of him,
so I have the power, right?

688
00:26:56,949 --> 00:26:58,951
I buy my dad shit I know he can't use.

689
00:26:59,618 --> 00:27:01,370
Bluetooth, dude,
we Bluetooth'd the whole house.

690
00:27:01,453 --> 00:27:02,454
[audience laughing]

691
00:27:02,704 --> 00:27:04,873
He has no idea what it is
or how to use it.

692
00:27:06,041 --> 00:27:08,585
He'll call me up, he's like,
"The Bluetooth doesn't work!

693
00:27:08,669 --> 00:27:12,089
Goddammit! Why doesn't it connect?"

694
00:27:12,172 --> 00:27:14,049
I'm like, "You gotta reset it."

695
00:27:14,133 --> 00:27:15,634
He's like, "How do I do that?"

696
00:27:15,717 --> 00:27:20,055
I'm like, "You, uh, you gotta
unplug everything in the house."

697
00:27:20,139 --> 00:27:22,141
[audience laughing]

698
00:27:22,224 --> 00:27:23,851
And you'll-- you'll hear him,
he'll put down the phone and be like,

699
00:27:23,934 --> 00:27:26,395
"Goddammit," and he'll move the couch,

700
00:27:27,521 --> 00:27:29,648
-unplug everything.
-[audience laughing]

701
00:27:29,731 --> 00:27:31,733
I'll hear my mom in the background, like,
"Ask him about the fridge."

702
00:27:31,817 --> 00:27:34,278
I'm like, "Dude, oh, yeah,
unplug the fridge. Fuck the food.

703
00:27:34,361 --> 00:27:36,780
Get it out, throw it away.
Get it out now."

704
00:27:39,783 --> 00:27:41,410
It's crazy, man, he hears these tech terms

705
00:27:41,493 --> 00:27:42,911
and he just like sticks with 'em.

706
00:27:42,995 --> 00:27:44,288
Like "smart," you know, like smart car,

707
00:27:44,371 --> 00:27:45,539
smartphone, smart TV.

708
00:27:45,622 --> 00:27:47,082
Everything's smart, you know?

709
00:27:47,166 --> 00:27:48,375
And, uh, my mom called me up

710
00:27:48,458 --> 00:27:49,918
and she was like,
"Will you buy me a toaster?"

711
00:27:50,002 --> 00:27:51,587
I was like, "Yeah,
I'll buy you a toaster. Why?"

712
00:27:51,670 --> 00:27:53,213
She's like, "Ours broke."
I'm like, "Well, they don't break.

713
00:27:53,297 --> 00:27:54,631
I mean, I don't-- did you break it?"

714
00:27:55,382 --> 00:27:58,010
It's just a kak-kak, that's all it is.
Ka-ting, it doesn't break.

715
00:27:58,969 --> 00:28:01,471
It's a spring.
It's ka-king, that's all it is.

716
00:28:01,555 --> 00:28:04,349
"Did you throw it at Dad?
How did it break? They don't break."

717
00:28:04,433 --> 00:28:05,642
She goes, "Just get it for me, please."

718
00:28:05,726 --> 00:28:07,895
I said, "Alright."
I went and bought her a toaster.

719
00:28:07,978 --> 00:28:10,480
I brought it to the house,
and it has a digital clock on it.

720
00:28:10,564 --> 00:28:13,066
It just tells the time. That's all it is,
just a digital clock.

721
00:28:13,775 --> 00:28:15,944
I put it on the counter,
my dad came down, he was like,

722
00:28:16,028 --> 00:28:17,571
"Is that a smart toaster?"

723
00:28:17,654 --> 00:28:19,198
[audience laughing]

724
00:28:19,281 --> 00:28:20,782
I was like, "You better believe it, pal."

725
00:28:20,866 --> 00:28:23,243
-[audience laughing]
-My mom called me a week later,

726
00:28:23,327 --> 00:28:24,578
she's like, "You have
to tell him the truth.

727
00:28:24,661 --> 00:28:26,288
He's been talking
to the toaster all day long."

728
00:28:26,371 --> 00:28:27,915
[audience laughing]

729
00:28:27,998 --> 00:28:30,417
I hear him, he's like,
"Hey, Alexis, play Kid Rock,

730
00:28:30,500 --> 00:28:32,419
and toast 'til five and a half, please."

731
00:28:32,502 --> 00:28:34,671
[audience laughing]

732
00:28:37,549 --> 00:28:38,884
That's my dad, dude.
He talks to that stuff.

733
00:28:38,967 --> 00:28:40,719
We tell him, you know?
We got him one of those, uh,

734
00:28:40,802 --> 00:28:42,262
one of the G-- the Google ones.

735
00:28:42,346 --> 00:28:43,847
We got him a Google one, and, uh,

736
00:28:43,931 --> 00:28:45,474
you're supposed to say, "Hey, Google."

737
00:28:45,557 --> 00:28:47,434
And my dad got all fuckin' wasted.

738
00:28:47,517 --> 00:28:49,603
He was, like, walking around,
he's like, "Hey, good girl.

739
00:28:51,104 --> 00:28:53,523
Hey, good girl, do it for me, baby."

740
00:28:53,607 --> 00:28:55,567
[audience laughing]

741
00:28:55,651 --> 00:28:57,110
I love him so much, man.

742
00:28:58,487 --> 00:29:00,072
I love him so much.

743
00:29:00,155 --> 00:29:02,991
Last year, he-- he beat
prostate cancer, which is wild.

744
00:29:03,075 --> 00:29:04,243
-That was insane.
-[audience cheering]

745
00:29:04,326 --> 00:29:06,870
-Yeah.
-[audience applauding]

746
00:29:06,954 --> 00:29:10,374
It's pretty cool.
Yeah, it was pretty cool, um, you know?

747
00:29:10,457 --> 00:29:11,875
But it's so funny,
when you reach a certain age,

748
00:29:11,959 --> 00:29:14,086
you like don't give a shit at all anymore.

749
00:29:14,169 --> 00:29:15,712
And, uh, you know, I took my dad

750
00:29:15,796 --> 00:29:17,756
to a Monday night football game,
which was really rad.

751
00:29:17,839 --> 00:29:19,216
I got to take him to a Monday night
football game.

752
00:29:19,299 --> 00:29:20,801
He's never been to one live.

753
00:29:20,884 --> 00:29:22,511
And then, we went out
and just got hammered afterwards.

754
00:29:22,594 --> 00:29:25,347
We were totally smooshed.
I mean, we were so fuckin' gone.

755
00:29:25,430 --> 00:29:27,015
And we're sitting at the bar,
just my dad and I,

756
00:29:27,099 --> 00:29:29,142
just like, like--
just leaning against the bar.

757
00:29:29,226 --> 00:29:30,978
You know when you're just so, so gone?

758
00:29:31,061 --> 00:29:32,771
And he looks over at me,
you know like how a dad

759
00:29:32,854 --> 00:29:34,314
can look over at you sometimes?

760
00:29:34,398 --> 00:29:36,525
Gives me that smile, you know,
that twinkle in his eye,

761
00:29:36,608 --> 00:29:39,111
like he wants to tussle my hair, you know?

762
00:29:39,194 --> 00:29:41,571
And I'm drunk, and I was like,
"What are you doing?"

763
00:29:42,990 --> 00:29:44,533
"What are you doing?" You know?

764
00:29:44,616 --> 00:29:46,243
I'm waiting for him to say he loves me,
you know?

765
00:29:46,326 --> 00:29:48,537
And he goes, "I'm pissing right now."

766
00:29:48,620 --> 00:29:51,039
[audience laughing]

767
00:29:51,123 --> 00:29:52,874
I was like, "I can't take
this guy anywhere, man."

768
00:29:52,958 --> 00:29:55,002
[audience laughing]

769
00:29:57,629 --> 00:29:59,298
But my dad's health
made me check my health.

770
00:29:59,381 --> 00:30:00,424
I had to check my health.

771
00:30:00,507 --> 00:30:02,009
I got scared about all that stuff,
you know?

772
00:30:02,092 --> 00:30:04,303
I was flying all over the place,
not taking care of myself.

773
00:30:04,386 --> 00:30:05,804
I was flying so much.

774
00:30:05,887 --> 00:30:07,472
I was flying back from the East Coast,

775
00:30:07,556 --> 00:30:09,266
and I said to the flight attendant,

776
00:30:09,349 --> 00:30:10,934
I said, "Excuse me, could I get a water
with no ice?"

777
00:30:11,018 --> 00:30:12,227
Just like that. Very polite.

778
00:30:12,311 --> 00:30:13,812
"Could I get a water with no ice?"

779
00:30:13,895 --> 00:30:16,648
I could do it again. "Could I get a water
with no ice?"

780
00:30:16,732 --> 00:30:18,108
Same inflection.

781
00:30:18,191 --> 00:30:19,609
And she stopped, and she goes,

782
00:30:19,693 --> 00:30:22,029
"I'll get to you when I get to you."

783
00:30:22,112 --> 00:30:23,405
[audience laughing]

784
00:30:23,488 --> 00:30:25,115
And somehow, I like morphed into De Niro,

785
00:30:25,198 --> 00:30:27,075
I was like, [imitating De Niro]
"This fuckin' bitch."

786
00:30:27,159 --> 00:30:29,202
-[audience laughing]
-"Okay, bitch."

787
00:30:30,787 --> 00:30:32,873
I was like, "What did I do?"
I didn't say anything rude or mean to her.

788
00:30:32,956 --> 00:30:34,416
What was that about?

789
00:30:34,499 --> 00:30:36,543
And I stopped for a second,
I go, "Andrew, you don't know

790
00:30:36,626 --> 00:30:38,295
what's going on in her life," you know?

791
00:30:38,378 --> 00:30:39,838
"You have no idea
what she's going through.

792
00:30:39,921 --> 00:30:41,173
Take it easy, man."

793
00:30:41,256 --> 00:30:43,383
So, I was just watching her
do her job, left her alone,

794
00:30:43,467 --> 00:30:45,427
and then it hit me.
I was like, "You know what?"

795
00:30:45,510 --> 00:30:47,387
[sniffles]
Being a flight attendant's hard.

796
00:30:47,471 --> 00:30:49,097
They gotta deal
with a lot of assholes, man.

797
00:30:49,181 --> 00:30:51,641
Flight attendants
are like the nurses of the sky.

798
00:30:52,559 --> 00:30:53,894
They're like the nurses of the sky,

799
00:30:53,977 --> 00:30:56,563
because they're important,
they're very important.

800
00:30:56,646 --> 00:30:57,814
But when they tell you something,

801
00:30:57,898 --> 00:31:00,525
you're like, "Okay." [chuckles]

802
00:31:00,609 --> 00:31:02,361
[audience laughing]

803
00:31:02,444 --> 00:31:05,030
"Kinda wanna hear from a doctor,
if you don't mind.

804
00:31:05,113 --> 00:31:06,281
Run along, get a doctor."

805
00:31:06,365 --> 00:31:08,283
[audience laughing]

806
00:31:11,161 --> 00:31:13,246
But I was flying everywhere,
and I got home,

807
00:31:13,330 --> 00:31:15,082
and I get all this blood work done.

808
00:31:15,165 --> 00:31:17,167
My doctor was like,
"It's-- you know, you're fine,

809
00:31:17,250 --> 00:31:19,044
but your cholesterol is too high."

810
00:31:19,127 --> 00:31:20,796
I was like, "What? Why?

811
00:31:20,879 --> 00:31:21,922
"I've been working out.

812
00:31:22,005 --> 00:31:23,006
I've been eating good.
I'm not drinking as much."

813
00:31:23,090 --> 00:31:24,091
He's like, "It could be hereditary."

814
00:31:24,174 --> 00:31:25,759
I call my dad, I was like, "Pop...

815
00:31:25,842 --> 00:31:26,843
are you on cholesterol medication?"

816
00:31:26,927 --> 00:31:29,054
He was like, [laughing] "Yeah, dude.

817
00:31:29,137 --> 00:31:31,681
Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah, uh-huh."

818
00:31:31,765 --> 00:31:34,017
I go, "For how long?"
He's like, "Since you've known me."

819
00:31:34,101 --> 00:31:35,435
[audience laughing]

820
00:31:35,519 --> 00:31:36,812
It's like, that would've helped to know.

821
00:31:36,895 --> 00:31:38,438
And so now, my doctor's like,

822
00:31:38,522 --> 00:31:39,856
"Well, we gotta give you this stuff.
You have to take this.

823
00:31:39,940 --> 00:31:41,108
You could have a stroke
or a heart attack."

824
00:31:41,191 --> 00:31:42,317
And I was like, "What?"

825
00:31:42,401 --> 00:31:43,610
So now, I'm on this shit.

826
00:31:43,693 --> 00:31:45,445
I'm on what's called a statin.
I'm on Lipitor.

827
00:31:45,529 --> 00:31:47,864
Any stat-daddies in the house?
Where my stat-dawgs at?

828
00:31:47,948 --> 00:31:51,118
Where my stat-daddies at?
Where my Lip-dawgs?

829
00:31:51,201 --> 00:31:53,036
Yeah, there they are.
There they are, I see a little--

830
00:31:53,120 --> 00:31:54,621
I see a couple guys sweating.

831
00:31:54,704 --> 00:31:57,499
[audience laughing]

832
00:31:57,582 --> 00:31:59,418
Yeah, so they put me on
this stuff, but I hate it.

833
00:31:59,501 --> 00:32:00,627
I don't like taking
prescription medications.

834
00:32:00,710 --> 00:32:02,421
I don't-- I never know what dose to take.

835
00:32:02,504 --> 00:32:05,882
I leave it places, I lose it.
I often call it the wrong thing.

836
00:32:05,966 --> 00:32:08,510
Yeah, I've-- I've often said it's Levitra.

837
00:32:08,593 --> 00:32:10,345
-I've said that a lot.
-[audience laughing]

838
00:32:10,429 --> 00:32:12,347
Some of you may know,
Levitra, that's boner pills.

839
00:32:12,431 --> 00:32:14,349
-That is not the same thing.
-[audience laughing]

840
00:32:14,433 --> 00:32:15,559
My buddy was like, "You wanna drink?"

841
00:32:15,642 --> 00:32:16,643
I'm like, "Nah, I'm on Levitra right now.

842
00:32:16,726 --> 00:32:17,727
I can't have that."

843
00:32:17,811 --> 00:32:19,146
He's like, "Then get outta my house.

844
00:32:19,229 --> 00:32:20,605
What are you doing here?
I don't want you to..."

845
00:32:20,689 --> 00:32:23,066
[audience laughing]

846
00:32:23,150 --> 00:32:24,734
But it was on the road, you know?

847
00:32:24,818 --> 00:32:26,445
And I was on the road
when I was taking this stuff,

848
00:32:26,528 --> 00:32:29,739
and I was having crazy
side effects, like really bad.

849
00:32:29,823 --> 00:32:30,866
And so, I called the doctor's office

850
00:32:30,949 --> 00:32:32,284
and the nurse answered the phone,

851
00:32:32,367 --> 00:32:33,660
and she's like,
"We're the answering service.

852
00:32:33,743 --> 00:32:35,454
He's out of the country.
What can I help you with?"

853
00:32:35,537 --> 00:32:37,205
And I said, "I'm having, um,
really bad side effects.

854
00:32:37,289 --> 00:32:38,957
"I'm getting a little bit
nervous and I don't know what to do.

855
00:32:39,040 --> 00:32:40,041
And I'm kind of panicking right now,

856
00:32:40,125 --> 00:32:41,376
and I-- and I really need your help."

857
00:32:41,460 --> 00:32:42,794
And she goes, "Uh-uh-uh. Slow down, sir.

858
00:32:42,878 --> 00:32:44,796
"Slow down, okay?

859
00:32:44,880 --> 00:32:47,424
I don't have your chart.
I don't know what we gave you."

860
00:32:48,175 --> 00:32:50,343
And I was like, [imitating De Niro]
"This fuckin' bitch."

861
00:32:50,427 --> 00:32:52,304
[audience laughing]

862
00:32:52,387 --> 00:32:54,639
So without thinking,
I go, "You gave me Levitra."

863
00:32:55,765 --> 00:32:57,934
And she goes, [chuckling]
"We gave you Levitra?"

864
00:32:58,018 --> 00:32:59,644
I said, "That's what I fuckin' said."

865
00:33:00,353 --> 00:33:02,105
And she goes, "Okay, we don't really
give Levitra out."

866
00:33:02,189 --> 00:33:03,523
I said, "Yeah, well, you did!"

867
00:33:03,607 --> 00:33:04,733
[audience laughing]

868
00:33:04,816 --> 00:33:06,234
And she goes, "What's the problem, sir?"

869
00:33:06,318 --> 00:33:10,780
I said, "Diarrhea, lady.
Explosive diarrhea."

870
00:33:10,864 --> 00:33:13,700
And she was like,
[laughing] "From Levitra?

871
00:33:13,783 --> 00:33:16,203
Oh, my God, I've never heard that."

872
00:33:16,286 --> 00:33:19,748
She goes, "I'm sorry,
I have to ask, does-- does that happen--

873
00:33:19,831 --> 00:33:21,541
does that happen while you're performing?"

874
00:33:21,625 --> 00:33:25,253
[audience laughing]

875
00:33:27,297 --> 00:33:29,633
And as a stand-up, I was like,
"She knows who I am."

876
00:33:29,716 --> 00:33:31,843
[audience laughing]

877
00:33:31,927 --> 00:33:34,012
I was lost in the sauce.
I was like, "No, not while I'm performing,

878
00:33:34,095 --> 00:33:38,558
but the moment I get off,
right when I get off, I shit everywhere."

879
00:33:38,642 --> 00:33:39,851
-She goes, "Right when you're done?"
-I go,

880
00:33:39,935 --> 00:33:41,937
"The second I'm done, I'm pooping."

881
00:33:42,020 --> 00:33:45,690
She was like, "Oh, my God!
Does any of it get on your partner?"

882
00:33:45,774 --> 00:33:47,817
I was like, "I'm a solo act.
What're you talking about?"

883
00:33:47,901 --> 00:33:49,027
[audience laughing]

884
00:33:49,110 --> 00:33:50,570
She goes, "You take it by yourself?"

885
00:33:50,654 --> 00:33:52,239
I go, "What the fuck
are you talking about?"

886
00:33:53,031 --> 00:33:54,407
She goes, "What the fuck
are you talking about?"

887
00:33:54,491 --> 00:33:55,909
I said, "Lady, put the pilot on the phone.

888
00:33:55,992 --> 00:33:57,077
I don't wanna talk to you anymore."

889
00:33:57,160 --> 00:33:58,703
[audience laughing]

890
00:33:58,787 --> 00:34:00,038
"He'll be able to land this plane."

891
00:34:02,624 --> 00:34:03,875
Yeah, so I had to be-- I had--

892
00:34:03,959 --> 00:34:05,585
so I've-I've been trying to take
care of myself, you know?

893
00:34:05,669 --> 00:34:07,671
And it's hard. It is very hard
as you get older.

894
00:34:07,754 --> 00:34:09,130
It is very hard to take care of yourself,

895
00:34:09,214 --> 00:34:10,882
and you're always running
around like a mad person.

896
00:34:10,966 --> 00:34:12,259
You know, and I don't sleep well.

897
00:34:12,342 --> 00:34:13,927
I don't sleep well,
and I don't like people that do.

898
00:34:14,010 --> 00:34:15,971
You know, you meet these people
that do, and you're like, "What?

899
00:34:16,888 --> 00:34:19,683
"Really? You're not thinking about stuff?

900
00:34:20,809 --> 00:34:21,977
"Like, you go to bed at night,
and you're like,

901
00:34:22,102 --> 00:34:23,603
'Everything seems fine around the world.'"

902
00:34:23,687 --> 00:34:25,272
[audience laughing]

903
00:34:25,355 --> 00:34:26,773
[laughing] No.

904
00:34:26,856 --> 00:34:29,276
My doctor was like,
"Just get a white noise machine."

905
00:34:29,359 --> 00:34:31,444
I was like, "Oh, that's--
that's the solution?

906
00:34:32,362 --> 00:34:33,655
Get a white-- Okay, fine."

907
00:34:33,738 --> 00:34:34,906
So, I went to go get
a white noise machine.

908
00:34:34,990 --> 00:34:36,283
They were all sold out,
white noise machine.

909
00:34:36,366 --> 00:34:37,701
We got a black noise machine instead.

910
00:34:37,784 --> 00:34:39,661
[audience laughing]

911
00:34:39,744 --> 00:34:42,539
Yeah, but it just Facetimed
other black noise machines all night long.

912
00:34:42,622 --> 00:34:43,915
[audience laughing]

913
00:34:43,999 --> 00:34:46,167
-It's hard to get sleep, man.
-[audience laughing]

914
00:34:46,251 --> 00:34:47,836
No, come on, it's stupid. Come on.

915
00:34:49,045 --> 00:34:50,338
No, we did-- we actually did--

916
00:34:50,422 --> 00:34:51,881
we actually did have
a black noise machine.

917
00:34:51,965 --> 00:34:53,758
We actually did get one, but, um...

918
00:34:53,842 --> 00:34:55,427
The neighbor's white noise machine
kept calling the cops

919
00:34:55,510 --> 00:34:57,387
-on our black noise machine.
-[audience laughing]

920
00:34:57,470 --> 00:35:00,473
It was so disrespectful. I was like,
"Mind your business," you know?

921
00:35:00,557 --> 00:35:02,309
That's enough, honestly,
come on, blah, blah, blah.

922
00:35:02,392 --> 00:35:04,394
Throw it away, yuck,
gross, come on, let's go.

923
00:35:05,478 --> 00:35:07,314
No, we actually-- no, honest--
we did actually, honestly,

924
00:35:07,397 --> 00:35:09,608
we did have a black noise
machine for a little while.

925
00:35:09,691 --> 00:35:12,110
Um, but we, uh, couldn't get
the darn thing to work.

926
00:35:12,193 --> 00:35:14,821
-Um...
-[audience laughing]

927
00:35:14,904 --> 00:35:19,284
[audience hooting, laughing]

928
00:35:19,367 --> 00:35:21,578
[chuckles dryly]

929
00:35:21,661 --> 00:35:24,080
I'm sorry. I don't even like
that one. Let's move on.

930
00:35:24,164 --> 00:35:25,999
-[audience laughing]
-[clicking tongue]

931
00:35:27,792 --> 00:35:29,711
We had a Mexican noise machine
for a little while.

932
00:35:29,794 --> 00:35:31,087
[audience laughing]

933
00:35:31,171 --> 00:35:33,757
Brown noise, yeah, that thing, uh,
that thing worked itself to death,

934
00:35:33,840 --> 00:35:35,759
-that poor thing.
-[audience laughing]

935
00:35:35,842 --> 00:35:37,552
Just the constant hum
of a leaf blower all night,

936
00:35:37,636 --> 00:35:40,096
just... [mimics leaf blower]

937
00:35:40,180 --> 00:35:44,976
[mimics speaking Spanish]
[mimics leaf blower]

938
00:35:46,102 --> 00:35:48,396
Didn't even take batteries,
just two Modelos upside down.

939
00:35:48,480 --> 00:35:51,107
[audience laughing]

940
00:35:52,233 --> 00:35:54,361
Alright, come on, we gotta-- come on.

941
00:35:54,444 --> 00:35:56,446
[audience laughing]

942
00:35:58,281 --> 00:35:59,991
We had an Asian noise machine
for a little while.

943
00:36:00,075 --> 00:36:01,451
[audience laughing]

944
00:36:01,534 --> 00:36:02,786
So quiet, yeah.

945
00:36:03,703 --> 00:36:05,163
So polite. Didn't even know
it was there, really.

946
00:36:05,246 --> 00:36:08,458
It, uh, it took its own life.
It killed itself.

947
00:36:08,541 --> 00:36:10,126
-Um... I know.
-[audience laughing]

948
00:36:10,210 --> 00:36:11,795
We put it in rice, just didn't help.

949
00:36:11,878 --> 00:36:15,090
[audience laughing]

950
00:36:15,173 --> 00:36:16,841
All night long, it was like,
[in Asian accent] "Go to sreep."

951
00:36:16,925 --> 00:36:18,927
[normal] I was like, "Alright, babe,
we gotta-- this is not--

952
00:36:19,010 --> 00:36:20,512
that's not helping us go to bed, is it?"

953
00:36:21,805 --> 00:36:23,848
That's enough, come on, this is so stupid.

954
00:36:23,932 --> 00:36:25,642
[audience laughing]

955
00:36:25,725 --> 00:36:27,352
[clicking tongue]

956
00:36:27,435 --> 00:36:28,895
We had a Jewish noise machine
for a little while.

957
00:36:28,978 --> 00:36:30,689
-Alright, no. I can't do that one.
-[audience laughing]

958
00:36:30,772 --> 00:36:32,357
They'll get me if I do that one, for sure.

959
00:36:32,440 --> 00:36:34,526
-[audience laughing]
-[light applause]

960
00:36:37,487 --> 00:36:39,114
Speaking of Jews, my mom...

961
00:36:39,197 --> 00:36:40,657
[audience laughing]

962
00:36:40,740 --> 00:36:43,368
...my mom made me take German
when I was a kid. [chuckles]

963
00:36:43,451 --> 00:36:46,579
My mother made me take German
when I was a little boy. Yeah.

964
00:36:47,414 --> 00:36:48,623
Crazy.

965
00:36:48,707 --> 00:36:50,583
I went to a school called
Lasalle in Chicago.

966
00:36:50,667 --> 00:36:52,794
You had to take a secondary
language in first grade.

967
00:36:52,877 --> 00:36:55,004
You could have put your kid
in French, German, or Spanish.

968
00:36:55,088 --> 00:36:56,172
French, German, or Spanish.

969
00:36:56,256 --> 00:36:57,799
My mom was like, "Put him in German.
See what happens."

970
00:36:57,882 --> 00:36:59,217
[audience laughing]

971
00:36:59,300 --> 00:37:01,553
Lady, what am I gonna do with it?

972
00:37:01,636 --> 00:37:04,723
I know German now as an adult.
Some of it, right? I can't use it.

973
00:37:04,806 --> 00:37:07,517
Even if I go to Germany now,
I'm like, "Hallo, Ich heisse Andrew."

974
00:37:07,600 --> 00:37:09,811
They're like,
"Don't, don't, what? No, don't.

975
00:37:09,894 --> 00:37:13,273
"Oh, my God. We speak English here, dude.
Don't do that.

976
00:37:13,356 --> 00:37:16,192
You saw what we did. We did it twice.
So, don't-- we speak English now."

977
00:37:16,276 --> 00:37:17,610
[audience laughing]

978
00:37:17,694 --> 00:37:19,571
[chuckling] My God.

979
00:37:19,654 --> 00:37:22,073
It's a hideous language.
French and Spanish are beautiful, right?

980
00:37:22,157 --> 00:37:23,742
They really are. They're gorgeous.

981
00:37:23,825 --> 00:37:26,536
German takes beautiful things
and ruins it, right?

982
00:37:26,619 --> 00:37:29,581
Like the phrase, "I love you"?
"I love you" is so precious.

983
00:37:29,664 --> 00:37:32,000
We wait to say it to someone,
it means so much to us.

984
00:37:32,083 --> 00:37:34,085
You know what "I love you" is in French?
Who knows in French?

985
00:37:34,169 --> 00:37:35,837
You know French, huh?

986
00:37:35,920 --> 00:37:39,132
Huh? Je t'aime, oui.
Je t'aime, yes. Je t'aime, huh.

987
00:37:39,215 --> 00:37:42,552
Little bicycle with a basket.
Ching, ching, Je t'aime.

988
00:37:42,635 --> 00:37:45,096
With the bread sticking out
by the river, you know?

989
00:37:45,180 --> 00:37:48,099
And the guy with the shit, with the thing,
by the bike with the thing, you know?

990
00:37:48,183 --> 00:37:50,435
[audience laughing]

991
00:37:50,518 --> 00:37:52,270
You know what "I love you" is in Spanish?

992
00:37:52,353 --> 00:37:55,315
-[audience member] Te amo.
-Te amo, mi amor. Te amo.

993
00:37:55,398 --> 00:37:57,233
[mimics trumpet music]

994
00:37:57,317 --> 00:37:58,943
[audience laughing]

995
00:37:59,027 --> 00:38:02,363
Te amo. It's beautiful. Te amo. Je t'aime.

996
00:38:02,447 --> 00:38:03,865
Oh, I love you.

997
00:38:03,948 --> 00:38:06,034
In German, it's Ich liebe dich.

998
00:38:06,117 --> 00:38:07,327
[audience laughing]

999
00:38:07,410 --> 00:38:10,580
That's "I love you." Ich liebe dich.

1000
00:38:10,663 --> 00:38:12,415
Ladies, could you imagine
a guy on top of you

1001
00:38:12,499 --> 00:38:15,251
like, "Ich liebe dich."
[laughs maniacally]

1002
00:38:15,335 --> 00:38:19,214
Ich liebe dich. Yeah, das is good, yeah?
[laughs maniacally]

1003
00:38:21,257 --> 00:38:23,092
You'll be like, "Get this guy
away from me, he's a murderer."

1004
00:38:23,176 --> 00:38:24,969
-[audience laughing]
-Ich liebe dich--

1005
00:38:25,053 --> 00:38:28,348
If you saw a man outside yelling
at a woman, "Ich liebe dich.

1006
00:38:28,431 --> 00:38:29,766
Ich liebe dich."

1007
00:38:29,891 --> 00:38:31,309
You'd be like,
"Why is that deaf guy yelling,

1008
00:38:31,392 --> 00:38:33,478
-'I love dick' at that lady?
-[audience laughing]

1009
00:38:33,561 --> 00:38:35,355
Just go get some dick, man.
Leave her alone."

1010
00:38:35,438 --> 00:38:37,065
[audience laughing]

1011
00:38:37,148 --> 00:38:39,859
If you listen closely, though,
dich is not dick.

1012
00:38:39,943 --> 00:38:41,110
Dich is you, right?

1013
00:38:41,194 --> 00:38:42,862
"Dick," the Germans got right.

1014
00:38:42,946 --> 00:38:45,490
"Dick" is good. "Dick" is schwanz,
yeah, mein schwanz.

1015
00:38:45,573 --> 00:38:47,158
-[audience laughing]
-It sounds good.

1016
00:38:47,242 --> 00:38:50,537
-It sounds big, right? Schwanz, yeah.
-[audience laughing]

1017
00:38:50,620 --> 00:38:53,873
Even if it's not, mein schwanz, yeah.
You like the schwanz?

1018
00:38:54,874 --> 00:38:57,043
And the word for "big" is gross. Gross.

1019
00:38:57,126 --> 00:38:58,753
So, even if it's not, and you whip it out,
and you're like,

1020
00:38:58,837 --> 00:39:00,505
"Yeah, that's a gross schwanz, yeah?"

1021
00:39:00,588 --> 00:39:02,340
[audience laughing]

1022
00:39:02,423 --> 00:39:04,259
Every girl is like,
"Yeah, that is a gross schwanz.

1023
00:39:04,342 --> 00:39:06,928
That is gross , yeah.
That is sehr gross, yeah."

1024
00:39:07,011 --> 00:39:09,931
[audience laughing]

1025
00:39:10,014 --> 00:39:11,641
Yeah, the Germans did that right, man.

1026
00:39:11,724 --> 00:39:13,059
They did that part right.

1027
00:39:13,142 --> 00:39:15,353
Schwanz, it sounds great, you know?

1028
00:39:15,436 --> 00:39:18,773
We give this way too many names,
way too many names.

1029
00:39:18,857 --> 00:39:22,819
Cock, dong, dick, schlong, wiener.
It's-- what are we doin'?

1030
00:39:22,902 --> 00:39:24,612
And every one of these has a size.

1031
00:39:24,696 --> 00:39:27,198
Every one of these indicates a size.

1032
00:39:27,282 --> 00:39:30,076
And everybody in here knows
exactly which size they have.

1033
00:39:30,159 --> 00:39:31,911
[audience laughing]

1034
00:39:31,995 --> 00:39:33,788
Penis right here, self-admitted penis.

1035
00:39:33,872 --> 00:39:34,998
[audience laughing]

1036
00:39:35,081 --> 00:39:36,416
Good old-fashioned penis.

1037
00:39:36,499 --> 00:39:38,626
Just a penis. Just a Geo Metro.

1038
00:39:38,710 --> 00:39:40,503
[audience laughing]

1039
00:39:40,587 --> 00:39:41,671
It'll get you there.

1040
00:39:42,505 --> 00:39:44,173
I don't know if you'll get home,
but it'll get you there.

1041
00:39:44,257 --> 00:39:46,926
[audience laughing]

1042
00:39:48,678 --> 00:39:50,430
The term for Black dick--
Black dick is great.

1043
00:39:50,513 --> 00:39:53,308
This is like my favorite. Black dick is
schwarzer schwanz.

1044
00:39:54,183 --> 00:39:57,353
Schwarzer schwanz.
Sounds like a Bond villain.

1045
00:39:57,437 --> 00:39:59,981
"We'll get you one day,
Schwarzer Schwanz."

1046
00:40:01,274 --> 00:40:03,526
"You can't hide forever,
Schwarzer Schwanz."

1047
00:40:03,610 --> 00:40:05,612
[audience laughing]

1048
00:40:05,695 --> 00:40:08,239
White dick's the opposite.
White dick is weisser schwanz.

1049
00:40:08,323 --> 00:40:10,992
Like, alright. That sounds like
a nursery rhyme,

1050
00:40:11,075 --> 00:40:12,869
like two kids coming down a hill
with buckets of water.

1051
00:40:12,952 --> 00:40:16,205
Like... ♪ Weisser schwanz,
weisser schwanz, wei-- ♪

1052
00:40:16,289 --> 00:40:18,458
[gasps] "Oh, no! Schwarzer schwanz!"

1053
00:40:18,541 --> 00:40:20,209
[growls]

1054
00:40:21,336 --> 00:40:23,379
-"Who can stop schwarzer schwanz?"
-[audience laughing]

1055
00:40:24,297 --> 00:40:26,674
"Get a thick white girl.
Quick, get a thick white girl."

1056
00:40:27,717 --> 00:40:31,095
"She will eat it up like Ms. Pac-Man."
Just-- [mimics Pac-Man sounds]

1057
00:40:31,179 --> 00:40:33,264
[audience laughing]

1058
00:40:37,185 --> 00:40:38,519
I hated German so much.

1059
00:40:38,603 --> 00:40:40,897
I hated taking it as a kid. I hated it!

1060
00:40:40,980 --> 00:40:43,066
And I was bad in school.
And my teacher hated me.

1061
00:40:43,149 --> 00:40:44,150
And she would embarrass me.

1062
00:40:44,233 --> 00:40:45,401
'Cause in German, you have to learn

1063
00:40:45,485 --> 00:40:47,904
how to go like this...
[hisses] How to hiss.

1064
00:40:47,987 --> 00:40:49,447
And she'd make me stand up,
she'd be like, "Andrew,

1065
00:40:49,530 --> 00:40:51,449
"stand up in front of the class, please.

1066
00:40:51,532 --> 00:40:53,201
"And you have to hiss like a kitty cat.

1067
00:40:54,243 --> 00:40:56,454
Like a kitty cat, Andrew."

1068
00:40:57,497 --> 00:41:00,708
And I'd have to stand up.
[mimics speaking German]

1069
00:41:00,792 --> 00:41:02,502
"Like a kitty cat."

1070
00:41:03,419 --> 00:41:06,172
I'd walk home and be like,
"What's with that fuckin' bitch and cats?"

1071
00:41:07,966 --> 00:41:09,926
And I got older and I realized,
Germans are just like cats.

1072
00:41:10,009 --> 00:41:11,803
They are just like cats.

1073
00:41:11,886 --> 00:41:14,013
They're creepy, and evasive, and quiet,

1074
00:41:14,889 --> 00:41:16,599
and they fuckin' hate Jews.

1075
00:41:16,683 --> 00:41:18,726
-It's crazy.
-[audience laughing]

1076
00:41:18,810 --> 00:41:22,230
Dude, I know. I-- I have a dog.
It's so different.

1077
00:41:22,313 --> 00:41:24,357
[audience laughing]

1078
00:41:26,943 --> 00:41:28,528
I do. I have a little lady.

1079
00:41:28,611 --> 00:41:31,823
I have-- I have two ladies at the house,
my wife and my dog.

1080
00:41:31,906 --> 00:41:34,867
Those are my ladies, and I love that.
Coming home is great.

1081
00:41:34,951 --> 00:41:36,661
I love coming home to them.
It is so wonderful.

1082
00:41:36,744 --> 00:41:38,871
And I'm on the road so much,
so it is hard.

1083
00:41:38,955 --> 00:41:41,624
You know, it's hard to keep a relationship
the way you want it to, and we're trying.

1084
00:41:41,708 --> 00:41:43,001
We tried everything, you know?

1085
00:41:43,084 --> 00:41:44,585
But I know how to fuck up a good time.

1086
00:41:44,669 --> 00:41:46,379
-You know that.
-[audience laughing]

1087
00:41:46,462 --> 00:41:47,630
I mean, honestly, my attitude

1088
00:41:47,714 --> 00:41:48,715
gets in the way all the time.

1089
00:41:48,798 --> 00:41:49,924
She was texting me, she's like,

1090
00:41:50,008 --> 00:41:51,009
"I want you to come home and just take me.

1091
00:41:51,134 --> 00:41:52,427
Take me."

1092
00:41:52,510 --> 00:41:54,679
And I was like, "Oh, yeah."

1093
00:41:55,346 --> 00:41:56,431
Then I walked in the door, I was like,

1094
00:41:56,514 --> 00:41:58,474
"Why'd you park
on that side of the driveway?"

1095
00:41:59,767 --> 00:42:01,352
"What are you doing?
No. Put your tits away. Move the car.

1096
00:42:01,436 --> 00:42:02,687
Let's go. Now."

1097
00:42:02,770 --> 00:42:06,774
-[audience laughing]
-It is hard, you know?

1098
00:42:06,858 --> 00:42:09,318
'Cause you get older with someone,
and you just know them really well.

1099
00:42:09,402 --> 00:42:11,863
You know, and we're trying to spice it up.
We try all sorts of stuff.

1100
00:42:11,946 --> 00:42:13,281
Yeah, we wa-- we watched porn together.

1101
00:42:13,364 --> 00:42:14,824
That was like the worst thing we ever did.

1102
00:42:14,907 --> 00:42:16,868
-[audience laughing]
-Such a dumb idea,

1103
00:42:16,951 --> 00:42:18,286
'cause the guys, we're--
we're always like,

1104
00:42:18,369 --> 00:42:20,580
"Yeah, do you wanna--
I wanna watch porn with you."

1105
00:42:20,663 --> 00:42:22,457
And the girls are like,
"Okay, what category do you wanna watch?"

1106
00:42:22,540 --> 00:42:24,000
You're like, "I don't want you to know."

1107
00:42:24,083 --> 00:42:26,294
[audience laughing]

1108
00:42:27,628 --> 00:42:30,131
Watching porn with your wife, it's just
like watching sports with your wife.

1109
00:42:30,214 --> 00:42:31,215
It's the exact same thing.

1110
00:42:32,133 --> 00:42:34,802
'Cause every guy is like,
"I could do that. I bet I could do that."

1111
00:42:34,886 --> 00:42:36,929
[audience laughing]

1112
00:42:37,013 --> 00:42:39,348
And every girl is like,
"Those Black guys look strong."

1113
00:42:39,432 --> 00:42:41,267
[audience laughing]

1114
00:42:41,350 --> 00:42:42,560
"I wonder what that feels like."

1115
00:42:42,643 --> 00:42:44,520
[audience laughing]

1116
00:42:47,356 --> 00:42:49,275
We retired that. Now, we just like bad TV.

1117
00:42:49,358 --> 00:42:52,653
We love shitty TV. We-- I love watching
shitty TV with her.

1118
00:42:52,737 --> 00:42:55,198
We're-- we go on these runs
of watching such, like, bad dumb TV.

1119
00:42:55,281 --> 00:42:57,867
We were watching Storage Wars.
We watched so much of Storage Wars.

1120
00:42:57,950 --> 00:42:59,494
We were watching so much of that,
that at some point,

1121
00:42:59,577 --> 00:43:01,329
we were hooking up,
and I was like, "Yeah!"

1122
00:43:01,412 --> 00:43:03,748
[audience laughing]

1123
00:43:03,831 --> 00:43:06,501
And she was like,
[rambles like an auctioneer]

1124
00:43:06,584 --> 00:43:08,961
"Sold. Too fast. Sold. Next bidder?"

1125
00:43:10,213 --> 00:43:11,881
I was like, "Nobody else is here, right?
What do you mean?"

1126
00:43:15,426 --> 00:43:17,428
We were watching this history documentary.

1127
00:43:17,512 --> 00:43:20,932
We were watching this history documentary
and I got a little stoned, and, uh...

1128
00:43:21,015 --> 00:43:22,433
It was-- it was, uh...

1129
00:43:23,267 --> 00:43:24,685
They did this whole thing about the KKK.

1130
00:43:24,769 --> 00:43:26,020
Do you know-- do you know
about these guys?

1131
00:43:26,104 --> 00:43:27,772
-[audience laughing]
-You know about these guys?

1132
00:43:27,855 --> 00:43:30,650
[scoffs] Can you imagine
if I just found out about the KKK?

1133
00:43:31,442 --> 00:43:33,194
I was like, "Have you guys
heard of these guys?"

1134
00:43:34,654 --> 00:43:36,447
They did a whole piece about the KKK,

1135
00:43:36,531 --> 00:43:38,741
and, uh, I turned to her, and I was like,

1136
00:43:38,825 --> 00:43:42,161
"You think, uh, you think
there's any gay guys in the KKK?"

1137
00:43:43,037 --> 00:43:45,706
And she was like, "What? What?"

1138
00:43:45,790 --> 00:43:48,793
I was like, "You think there's
any gay guys in the KKK?"

1139
00:43:48,876 --> 00:43:50,670
She's like, "Is this one of your bits?"

1140
00:43:52,004 --> 00:43:54,006
And I was like, "It's gonna be, yeah."

1141
00:43:54,090 --> 00:43:55,716
[audience laughing]

1142
00:43:55,800 --> 00:44:00,179
Because, to me, there has to be.
There literally has to be.

1143
00:44:00,263 --> 00:44:01,764
Statistically, there has to be.

1144
00:44:01,848 --> 00:44:04,392
And I love statistics,
analytics, so I did the math.

1145
00:44:04,475 --> 00:44:05,810
You don't have to. I already did it.

1146
00:44:05,893 --> 00:44:07,186
[audience laughing]

1147
00:44:07,270 --> 00:44:08,938
Kentucky, Alabama, Mississippi, Tennessee,

1148
00:44:09,021 --> 00:44:11,357
those are the four states with the highest
concentration of KKK.

1149
00:44:11,440 --> 00:44:13,192
Kentucky, Alabama, Mississippi, Tennessee.

1150
00:44:13,276 --> 00:44:15,820
And in those states, 3,000
to 5,000 members in the KKK, give or take.

1151
00:44:15,903 --> 00:44:18,447
You know, some guys aren't
really telling anybody about it.

1152
00:44:18,531 --> 00:44:21,159
And in those four states,
Kentucky, Alabama, Mississippi, Tennessee,

1153
00:44:21,242 --> 00:44:23,661
2% to 3% of the male population
identify as homosexual.

1154
00:44:23,744 --> 00:44:26,455
Even a conservative estimate
of 2% of 3,000 is 60.

1155
00:44:26,539 --> 00:44:28,207
-[audience member] Whoo!
-Sixty.

1156
00:44:28,291 --> 00:44:29,500
[audience laughing]

1157
00:44:29,584 --> 00:44:32,336
Sixty gay guys in the KKK.

1158
00:44:32,420 --> 00:44:34,422
[audience laughing]

1159
00:44:35,339 --> 00:44:38,134
-What are they doing?
-[audience laughing]

1160
00:44:38,217 --> 00:44:41,053
You little quiet queers,
what are you up to?

1161
00:44:41,137 --> 00:44:43,306
Just putting glitter on the crosses before
they burn 'em.

1162
00:44:43,389 --> 00:44:44,765
-What are they doing?
-[audience laughing]

1163
00:44:44,849 --> 00:44:47,518
Listening to Chappell Roan
while they hate.

1164
00:44:47,602 --> 00:44:49,604
[audience laughing]

1165
00:44:51,272 --> 00:44:52,356
It's wild.

1166
00:44:54,025 --> 00:44:55,443
But I've enjoyed my time with her so much.

1167
00:44:55,526 --> 00:44:57,486
Like, we have so much
fun together. We really do.

1168
00:44:57,570 --> 00:44:59,447
Like, it is the best, you know?

1169
00:44:59,530 --> 00:45:01,908
And I will say, there's moments
that we've grown together

1170
00:45:01,991 --> 00:45:03,451
that we get really close.

1171
00:45:03,534 --> 00:45:06,495
You know, like the last time
I did the big tour down under,

1172
00:45:06,579 --> 00:45:09,707
and I came home, you know, and she-- she
texted me and she said,

1173
00:45:09,790 --> 00:45:12,627
"Hey, I really want to connect with you
when you get home this time, okay?

1174
00:45:12,710 --> 00:45:16,088
"Put work away. Let's spend
the entire day in bed, huh?

1175
00:45:16,172 --> 00:45:19,258
"I wanna have sex, I wanna eat food,
I wanna watch movies and TV.

1176
00:45:19,342 --> 00:45:21,844
I wanna do nothing
but stay in bed all day."

1177
00:45:21,928 --> 00:45:23,512
And I was like, "Oh, yes!"

1178
00:45:24,639 --> 00:45:26,849
And then, I came home,
and something happened.

1179
00:45:26,933 --> 00:45:31,812
It worked. Everything lined up, perfectly.
You know? It was amazing.

1180
00:45:31,896 --> 00:45:35,483
We had sex like we used to have sex.
Yeah. Like when we were young.

1181
00:45:35,566 --> 00:45:37,485
And if you know what I'm talking about,
you know what I'm talking about.

1182
00:45:37,568 --> 00:45:40,404
We had sex like we used to have sex,
and we both knew it,

1183
00:45:40,488 --> 00:45:43,908
'cause in the middle of it,
we were both just like... [laughing]

1184
00:45:43,991 --> 00:45:45,701
"What the fuck is going on?

1185
00:45:46,452 --> 00:45:50,289
-Two positions? What are we doing?"
-[audience laughing]

1186
00:45:50,373 --> 00:45:53,084
Like, when she flipped over,
I reacted like a Black guy who saw magic.

1187
00:45:53,167 --> 00:45:57,421
I was like, "Aaaaah!
What you doin', David Blaine?"

1188
00:45:57,505 --> 00:45:58,631
I left the room.

1189
00:45:58,714 --> 00:46:00,883
[audience laughing]

1190
00:46:02,718 --> 00:46:05,388
It was incredible. I was so happy.

1191
00:46:05,471 --> 00:46:07,265
I was in the bathroom
brushing my teeth, you know,

1192
00:46:07,348 --> 00:46:08,975
I was looking at myself in the mirror,

1193
00:46:09,058 --> 00:46:10,601
and I was feeling good
'cause I didn't eat breakfast that day.

1194
00:46:10,685 --> 00:46:12,728
I was like,
"Look at this fuckin' guy, man."

1195
00:46:12,812 --> 00:46:14,230
[audience laughing]

1196
00:46:14,313 --> 00:46:15,564
And she was in bed, you know,

1197
00:46:15,648 --> 00:46:16,899
and I was just feeling myself,

1198
00:46:16,983 --> 00:46:18,401
'cause you feel good afterward, you know?

1199
00:46:18,484 --> 00:46:20,361
Guys are like, "Oh, hell yeah,"
you're still at half-mast.

1200
00:46:20,444 --> 00:46:21,862
-You know what I mean?
-[audience laughing]

1201
00:46:21,946 --> 00:46:23,990
Your dick's like a soldier,
fresh off the battlefield,

1202
00:46:24,073 --> 00:46:26,033
just resting on a rock, just like,

1203
00:46:26,117 --> 00:46:28,869
[labored breathing] "You did pretty good."
[chuckles]

1204
00:46:28,953 --> 00:46:31,455
He's got that heartbeat
in him, just, yeah.

1205
00:46:32,498 --> 00:46:34,917
"If you want me to go back out
there, I can go back out there, man."

1206
00:46:35,668 --> 00:46:37,128
You're like, "The war's over,
buddy. Take off your helmet.

1207
00:46:37,211 --> 00:46:38,421
"It's over, man, you can't.
[clearing throat]

1208
00:46:38,504 --> 00:46:39,714
You got nothin' left, okay?"

1209
00:46:39,797 --> 00:46:41,674
[audience laughing]

1210
00:46:42,508 --> 00:46:43,843
And then, she turned to me
and she was just like,

1211
00:46:43,926 --> 00:46:46,470
"How come you don't touch me
after we have sex?"

1212
00:46:46,554 --> 00:46:49,056
-And I was like, "What?"
-[audience laughing]

1213
00:46:49,140 --> 00:46:50,683
"How come you don't wanna
touch me after we have sex?"

1214
00:46:50,766 --> 00:46:52,476
I go, "I just touched you so much!

1215
00:46:53,227 --> 00:46:55,104
I touched inside; that's top touch."

1216
00:46:56,022 --> 00:46:58,482
That's top touch as far as I'm concerned.

1217
00:46:58,566 --> 00:47:00,443
If you were playing a game
of tag with somebody, you touched inside,

1218
00:47:00,526 --> 00:47:03,070
and they'd be like,
"Alright, what the fuck was that? That--

1219
00:47:03,154 --> 00:47:04,947
"I don't like that at all.
You gotta cut that out.

1220
00:47:05,865 --> 00:47:08,242
-Game over."
-[audience laughing]

1221
00:47:08,326 --> 00:47:09,660
She goes, "I'm serious."
I was like, "I don't know!"

1222
00:47:09,744 --> 00:47:10,828
I asked all my guy friends, I'm like,

1223
00:47:10,911 --> 00:47:11,912
"Do you touch your wives and girlfriends

1224
00:47:11,996 --> 00:47:12,997
after you have sex?"

1225
00:47:13,080 --> 00:47:14,415
And they were like, [laughing] "No!

1226
00:47:14,498 --> 00:47:16,250
"No! We don't go back
to the scene of an accident.

1227
00:47:16,334 --> 00:47:17,585
You gotta get outta there."

1228
00:47:18,919 --> 00:47:20,755
But I can't communicate to her.
It's hard to do that.

1229
00:47:20,838 --> 00:47:22,923
She doesn't understand. She has no idea.

1230
00:47:23,007 --> 00:47:25,259
Women, you have no idea
what we're going through.

1231
00:47:25,343 --> 00:47:26,719
You don't get it.
Sex is so different for you.

1232
00:47:26,802 --> 00:47:28,429
Man, it feels so good.

1233
00:47:28,512 --> 00:47:30,514
You connect on a level
we could never get to.

1234
00:47:30,598 --> 00:47:33,059
Physical, mental, emotional,
it's all wrapped in one.

1235
00:47:33,142 --> 00:47:34,769
I'm sure it feels incredible for you.

1236
00:47:34,852 --> 00:47:37,897
We're not even there! I'm not even there
while it's happening.

1237
00:47:37,980 --> 00:47:39,607
I'm bla-- I'm floating
through time and space,

1238
00:47:39,690 --> 00:47:41,108
completely blacked out,

1239
00:47:41,942 --> 00:47:43,778
like a marionette, just...
[blathers indistinctly]

1240
00:47:43,861 --> 00:47:44,862
I'm not there.

1241
00:47:45,863 --> 00:47:47,531
And then when it's over,
I'm sure you feel safe, and happy,

1242
00:47:47,615 --> 00:47:48,908
and warm, and joyous.

1243
00:47:48,991 --> 00:47:51,494
We don't! We don't.

1244
00:47:52,745 --> 00:47:56,374
The second it's done,
the moment the last drop comes out,

1245
00:47:56,457 --> 00:47:58,376
it's the saddest I've ever been.

1246
00:47:58,459 --> 00:47:59,627
[audience laughing]

1247
00:47:59,710 --> 00:48:01,754
In the history of my adult life.

1248
00:48:01,837 --> 00:48:03,381
It's like somebody
runs in the room when I'm done,

1249
00:48:03,464 --> 00:48:04,882
and is like, "Your whole family is dead."

1250
00:48:06,008 --> 00:48:08,344
I'm walking around half-cocked,
just like, "They're all dead?"

1251
00:48:08,427 --> 00:48:09,804
[audience laughing]

1252
00:48:09,887 --> 00:48:11,555
"Is my dad in his chair?

1253
00:48:12,515 --> 00:48:13,599
What happened?"

1254
00:48:14,975 --> 00:48:17,353
I just lost 128 million people.

1255
00:48:18,521 --> 00:48:22,108
Gone! The whole platoon is gone.
All the boys are dead. That's my fault.

1256
00:48:22,191 --> 00:48:25,945
A hundred and twenty-eight-- That's Japan.
That's the country of Japan I just lost,

1257
00:48:26,028 --> 00:48:27,321
on your tits, and you want a hug?

1258
00:48:27,405 --> 00:48:28,656
Let me brush my teeth, okay?

1259
00:48:28,739 --> 00:48:30,950
[audience laughing]

1260
00:48:32,201 --> 00:48:35,121
[laughs] I'm trying. I'm trying.
I don't know if it's working, you know?

1261
00:48:35,204 --> 00:48:36,747
But I am trying my best.

1262
00:48:36,831 --> 00:48:37,832
But I love her.

1263
00:48:37,915 --> 00:48:39,875
[audience laughing]

1264
00:48:39,959 --> 00:48:41,460
I love her to death.

1265
00:48:41,544 --> 00:48:44,296
And it's been a great journey,
and I hope it continues.

1266
00:48:44,380 --> 00:48:45,548
And I've said this at every show,

1267
00:48:45,631 --> 00:48:46,674
and I will say this at this show too.

1268
00:48:46,757 --> 00:48:48,175
And I mean it. I really do.

1269
00:48:48,259 --> 00:48:49,510
I don't care how you found me,

1270
00:48:49,593 --> 00:48:51,387
whether it was a TV show, or bad friends,

1271
00:48:51,470 --> 00:48:53,848
or Dave, or whatever, or whiskey.

1272
00:48:53,931 --> 00:48:57,643
-[audience cheering, applauding]
-[smacking lips]

1273
00:48:57,726 --> 00:49:00,229
Uh, but I will say,
it-- it means the world to me,

1274
00:49:00,312 --> 00:49:01,814
and it'll never, ever get old.

1275
00:49:01,897 --> 00:49:03,941
It really won't, being able
to do this for a living.

1276
00:49:04,024 --> 00:49:06,694
I appreciate every single
one of you. Thank you so much.

1277
00:49:06,777 --> 00:49:08,112
Goodbye, Minneapolis. Good night.

1278
00:49:08,195 --> 00:49:12,575
[audience cheering, applauding]

1279
00:49:12,658 --> 00:49:15,661
[♪ upbeat music playing]

1280
00:50:12,718 --> 00:50:14,303
On the count of three,
give me a loud, "You betcha."

1281
00:50:14,386 --> 00:50:15,638
One, two, three.

1282
00:50:15,721 --> 00:50:17,640
[audience] You betcha!