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-[audience cheering]
-♪ My friends all call me Casper ♪

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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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♪ 'Cause the sun don't ever shine on me ♪

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♪ Wanna be, I wanna be lonely ♪

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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♪ Wanna be, I wanna be, yeah... ♪

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[audience cheering]

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Thank you, Boston!

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-[applause]
-Thank you!

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It is great to be here. I look good.

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[cheering]

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I don't know if you know,
I'm normally a fat guy.

13
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But, since I've lost all this weight,
now I'm just...

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-arrogant.
-[laughter]

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And by the way, thin people,
that's how we view you,

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as arrogant bastards.

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[laughter]

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I have lost weight.
Since I've lost weight,

19
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I find I get two types of reactions.

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One group, these people,
they won't even say anything to me.

21
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They'll just go up to my wife and ask,

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-[in high voice] "Is Jim okay?"
-[laughter]

23
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[normal voice] Which sounds like concern,

24
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but I just hear judgment.

25
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'Cause to them,
it's more likely that I'm sick

26
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than I would ever have
any self-discipline.

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[laughter]

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[in high voice] "Well, obviously,
Jim's not exercising and eating healthy.

29
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-He must have cancer."
-[laughter]

30
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[normal] That's one group.

31
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The other group,
these people will come up to me

32
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and accuse me of being on
an appetite suppressant. They're like,

33
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[in low voice] "You're on Ozempic!
Admit it! You're on Ozempic!"

34
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[normal] And I'm not, alright?

35
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I'm on a different one.

36
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[laughter, applause]

37
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I'm on Mounjaro,

38
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which is better, right?

39
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'Cause it sounds like
an Italian restaurant.

40
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[gravelly voice] "Welcome to Mounjaro.

41
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"When you're here,
you're not eatin' anything

42
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-'cause you're a fat ass. Yeah!"
-[laughter]

43
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[normal] Now, I understand some people
are against the appetite suppressants.

44
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You know, they're like,
[nasal] "That's cheating. It's cheating."

45
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[normal]
I'm not playing Major League baseball.

46
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I'm just a fat guy trying to not die.

47
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[nasal] "But it's not fair!"

48
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[normal] Yeah, neither is balding
and being born with no pigmentation.

49
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[laughter]

50
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But I've learned to deal with it.

51
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This is an exciting time for me!

52
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I'm thin, I'm in my 30s...

53
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[audience laughing]

54
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It is crazy. Most of my adult life,

55
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I heard this constant internal monologue.

56
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[deep voice] "Jim, you gotta stop eating.
Jim, you gotta control your impulses."

57
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[normal] And now, I know
all I needed was a weekly shot

58
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that killed all the passion inside of me.

59
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[audience laughing]

60
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I've learned so much!

61
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I now understand thin people.
You don't forget to eat.

62
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-You're dead inside.
-[audience laughing]

63
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Life is about compromise!
Sure, I may never feel true joy again

64
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but I can finally fit in my clothes
that went out of style 30 years ago.

65
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So, it's not a bad deal.

66
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It's crazy. These appetite suppressants
are a game changer.

67
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Here's what's gonna happen.

68
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All us fat people are gonna become thin.

69
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Then, we're gonna mix in
with you thin bastards.

70
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-[scattered laughter]
-And when you're not looking,

71
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-we're gonna eat you.
-[loud laughter]

72
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Doesn't matter if we're hungry.
We just like to eat.

73
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Nom, nom, nom, nom,
nom, nom, nom, nom, nom!

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It is amazing how popular
the appetite suppressants are, right?

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'Cause we live in this age of...

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[high voice] body positivity.

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Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes.

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[normal]
Oh, this drug will make you not hungry.

79
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[high voice]
Give it to me or I'll kill you.

80
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[audience laughing]

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I'm trying to enjoy being thin, you know,
'cause I know I'm gonna be fat again.

82
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-[laughter]
-I mean...

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this is not sustainable.

84
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[laughter]

85
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This is the drug!

86
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This is like 99% Big Pharma,

87
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1% little Jim.

88
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-[laughter]
-Right? I mean...

89
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-[applause]
-Right?

90
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[audience cheering]

91
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Besides, I still got my fat clothes!

92
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¿-I'm not a fool.
-[laughter]

93
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I see 'em hanging in my closet,
taunting me.

94
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-[growls]
-[laughter]

95
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[gravelly voice] "You'll be back!

96
00:04:11,584 --> 00:04:13,336
"You'll be wearin' me.

97
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"'Member that time you ate an entire pizza
and told your wife it never came?

98
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-[growls]
-[laughter]

99
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That's who you really are."

100
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[normal] The drug changes
your attitude towards food.

101
00:04:26,474 --> 00:04:28,351
I now view McDonald's

102
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like some weird crush I had.
I'm like... [scoffs],

103
00:04:31,604 --> 00:04:33,439
"I can't believe I was so into you.

104
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[audience laughing]

105
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Meet me at midnight,
and please don't tell my wife."

106
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Appetite suppression wasn't
even the intended use.

107
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The drug was created to
help people with diabetes

108
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-or something stupid.
-[audience laughing]

109
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But, once it got out that
there was a diabetes medicine

110
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that made people not crave donuts,

111
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every fat person was like...
[low voice] "I just got diabetes.

112
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[laughter]

113
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Oh, ah, my diabetes is kickin' in."

114
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[normal] It's not the first drug
with a beneficial side effect, right?

115
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We know about Viagra,

116
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the contraceptive pill cures acne,

117
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and, of course, alcohol
makes people attractive.

118
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[audience laughing]

119
00:05:16,482 --> 00:05:19,110
But it must be frustrating
for these scientists

120
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that develop these life-changing drugs,

121
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and we fixate on a side effect.

122
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Like the people that created Viagra,

123
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they were probably so excited at that
press conference. They're like,

124
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[smart voice] "Ah, ah, well, [laughs]

125
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"after decades of hard work,
my team and I have developed this pill,

126
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"which will save the lives of men
suffering from high blood pressure.

127
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"Now, uh, th-there are
some minor side effects.

128
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"Uh, nausea, dizziness,

129
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-"uh, you get a huge boner, but...
-[laughter]

130
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"But, most importantly,

131
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"this is a lifesaving
blood pressure medicine.

132
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Any questions?"

133
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[dumb voice] "Uh, yeah, the boner part?

134
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[laughter]

135
00:05:58,149 --> 00:06:00,693
H-How long does the boner last?"

136
00:06:01,903 --> 00:06:05,239
[smart] "Well, th-that's not really
important, but four hours."

137
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-[dumb] "Jesus Christ."
-[laughter]

138
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[smart]
"Uh, i-if we could focus on the fact

139
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that this is a life-saving
blood pressure medicine."

140
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[dumb]
"Uh, I got a blood pressure question.

141
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[audience laughs]

142
00:06:18,753 --> 00:06:22,215
"Say I had high blood pressure,
and I was going on a date

143
00:06:23,132 --> 00:06:25,802
-"to, let's say, an orgy.
-[laughter]

144
00:06:25,885 --> 00:06:28,346
"When would be the optimal time
to take your boner pill--

145
00:06:28,429 --> 00:06:30,264
I mean, blood pressure medicine?"

146
00:06:30,807 --> 00:06:33,142
[audience laughing]

147
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[normal] I'm sure there's some men
in the audience who take Viagra,

148
00:06:36,062 --> 00:06:39,357
and by some, I mean
every guy over the age of 40.

149
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[laughter]

150
00:06:40,525 --> 00:06:43,444
And, by the way, if you do take Viagra,
you shouldn't be embarrassed.

151
00:06:43,528 --> 00:06:45,571
It doesn't mean you're not a man.
It just means

152
00:06:45,655 --> 00:06:48,783
the body part that defines you
as a man doesn't work.

153
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[audience laughing]

154
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You're like a eunuch, and they're manly!

155
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[audience member] Woo!

156
00:06:54,914 --> 00:06:57,917
Now, there are some men over the age of 40
who don't take Viagra,

157
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and they're called "celibate."

158
00:06:59,585 --> 00:07:01,462
[laughter]

159
00:07:01,546 --> 00:07:03,798
But heck, I've taken Viagra!

160
00:07:03,881 --> 00:07:05,716
You know,
just for the high blood pressure.

161
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[laughter]

162
00:07:07,051 --> 00:07:08,678
And the articles.

163
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[laughter, applause]

164
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The articles are amazing.

165
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[cheering]

166
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We live in this age of incredible medical

167
00:07:20,398 --> 00:07:22,400
and technological advancement.

168
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I know people are worried
about artificial intelligence.

169
00:07:24,777 --> 00:07:27,155
[deep voice] "AI's gonna take over.
AI's gonna take over."

170
00:07:27,238 --> 00:07:29,240
-[normal] I hope so.
-[laughter]

171
00:07:29,323 --> 00:07:30,700
I'm exhausted!

172
00:07:32,034 --> 00:07:35,830
I feel like my intelligence
has taken me as far as I'm gonna get.

173
00:07:35,913 --> 00:07:37,582
[laughter]

174
00:07:37,665 --> 00:07:39,959
I need artificial intelligence.

175
00:07:40,042 --> 00:07:43,212
I was reading this article,
"Will AI Take Over?"

176
00:07:43,296 --> 00:07:47,675
I was halfway through before I realized
it wasn't about a guy named Al.

177
00:07:47,758 --> 00:07:51,012
-[audience laughing]
-"Will Al Take Over."

178
00:07:51,095 --> 00:07:53,055
I thought it was about Al Roker.

179
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And his love of A1.

180
00:07:58,269 --> 00:08:01,105
-[soft voice] "Jim, that's a dumb joke."
-[laughter]

181
00:08:01,189 --> 00:08:04,025
[normal] I feel like most of
the technological advancements

182
00:08:04,108 --> 00:08:05,693
are wasted on me. You know, like,

183
00:08:05,776 --> 00:08:09,071
I still struggle with Wi-Fi passwords.

184
00:08:09,155 --> 00:08:12,158
Like, even if the password's written down
right in front of me, I'm like,

185
00:08:12,241 --> 00:08:14,243
"I'm probably not gonna
be able to do this."

186
00:08:14,327 --> 00:08:16,162
[laughter]

187
00:08:16,245 --> 00:08:18,748
It's just like
six or eight letters or numbers,

188
00:08:18,831 --> 00:08:21,834
and I feel like I'm taking the SATs.
I'm like... [scoffs],

189
00:08:21,918 --> 00:08:24,670
-"I-I need more time.
-[laughter]

190
00:08:24,754 --> 00:08:27,632
[sighs]
I shoulda slept better last night."

191
00:08:29,383 --> 00:08:32,386
You ever have someone
tell you a Wi-Fi password?

192
00:08:32,470 --> 00:08:34,680
"Oh, our Wi-Fi password, it's super easy.

193
00:08:34,764 --> 00:08:36,891
"It's just beagle, all lowercase.

194
00:08:36,974 --> 00:08:40,394
And the E's a three, and the G's an eight,
and the last E's an F."

195
00:08:40,478 --> 00:08:42,647
[audience laughing]

196
00:08:42,730 --> 00:08:45,650
Uh, yeah, but h-how do you spell beagle?

197
00:08:45,733 --> 00:08:49,362
[laughter, applause]

198
00:08:51,864 --> 00:08:54,367
Technology is getting more complicated.

199
00:08:54,450 --> 00:08:55,868
I miss the simpler times.

200
00:08:55,952 --> 00:08:59,288
Like, remember when you used to be able
to choose your own password?

201
00:08:59,372 --> 00:09:01,207
'Cause now, you have to get approval,

202
00:09:01,290 --> 00:09:02,917
and they always kinda
give you an attitude, like,

203
00:09:03,000 --> 00:09:05,545
[tough voice]
"Yeah, that password's not strong enough.

204
00:09:05,628 --> 00:09:07,296
[laughter]

205
00:09:07,380 --> 00:09:09,340
That password's very weak."

206
00:09:10,508 --> 00:09:12,593
[normal]
You're like, "I don't care. Just use it."

207
00:09:12,677 --> 00:09:13,844
[laughter]

208
00:09:13,928 --> 00:09:16,931
[tough] "Nah, I don't accept
that password. Pick another one."

209
00:09:17,557 --> 00:09:19,100
[normal] So, you put in a password.
They're like,

210
00:09:19,183 --> 00:09:21,602
[tough voice] "Yeah,
that password's too easy to guess."

211
00:09:22,436 --> 00:09:24,814
[normal]
That's 'cause you just saw me type it in.

212
00:09:24,897 --> 00:09:27,024
[laughter]

213
00:09:27,108 --> 00:09:28,401
[tough] "Eh, pick another one.

214
00:09:28,484 --> 00:09:30,444
Yeah, you already used that password.
Pick another one."

215
00:09:30,528 --> 00:09:33,614
[normal] I get writer's block
when it comes to passwords.

216
00:09:33,698 --> 00:09:35,491
[tough] "Pick another one."
[normal] I-I think I'm out.

217
00:09:35,575 --> 00:09:38,077
I already used my birthday.
I don't have any more.

218
00:09:38,160 --> 00:09:39,370
[laughter]

219
00:09:39,453 --> 00:09:42,707
The criteria for passwords is ridiculous.

220
00:09:42,790 --> 00:09:45,084
[tough] "Now, your password must have
a capital letter, a number,

221
00:09:45,167 --> 00:09:48,170
a character, a rabbit's foot,
something your mom wore at her wedding."

222
00:09:48,254 --> 00:09:50,256
[audience laughing]

223
00:09:51,048 --> 00:09:54,510
Sometimes, they offer a password.
That's kind of humiliating.

224
00:09:55,219 --> 00:09:58,014
[tough voice] "Hey, dummy, you want us
to just give you a password?"

225
00:09:58,097 --> 00:09:59,223
[laughter]

226
00:09:59,307 --> 00:10:02,310
[normal]
Doesn't that defeat the whole point?

227
00:10:02,393 --> 00:10:05,688
-[tough] "Well, we won't tell anyone.
-[audience laughing]

228
00:10:05,771 --> 00:10:08,357
"You can trust us.
We're a faceless algorithm

229
00:10:08,441 --> 00:10:10,860
"created by a multinational corporation.

230
00:10:10,943 --> 00:10:12,069
[laughter]

231
00:10:12,153 --> 00:10:14,947
-We won't share your password."
-[applause]

232
00:10:15,031 --> 00:10:17,533
[normal] Wh-Why-- Are you winking?

233
00:10:17,617 --> 00:10:21,370
[tough] "No, no, no,
I just got some dust in my AI."

234
00:10:21,454 --> 00:10:24,457
[audience laughing]

235
00:10:24,540 --> 00:10:28,169
[applause, cheering]

236
00:10:28,252 --> 00:10:30,880
I've let them pick my password.
You ever do that?

237
00:10:30,963 --> 00:10:34,300
Their password just looks like
they let a cat walk on a keyboard.

238
00:10:34,383 --> 00:10:36,135
[laughter]

239
00:10:36,218 --> 00:10:37,928
Well, I coulda come up with that.

240
00:10:38,012 --> 00:10:39,889
[tough voice]
"Yeah, but you didn't, did you, dummy?"

241
00:10:40,973 --> 00:10:43,267
[normal] Well, I-I'm never gonna be
able to remember that.

242
00:10:43,351 --> 00:10:46,020
[tough] "Well, we'll remember it
for you, dumbass!

243
00:10:47,229 --> 00:10:49,398
You just let us know when you need it."

244
00:10:50,024 --> 00:10:52,151
[normal] W-Well, can I have it now?
[tough] "No!

245
00:10:52,234 --> 00:10:53,486
[laughter]

246
00:10:53,569 --> 00:10:55,404
We don't know, you might be a robot."

247
00:10:56,947 --> 00:10:58,824
[normal] Wait, aren't you a robot?

248
00:10:58,908 --> 00:11:01,035
[tough] "Yeah, but you don't know that.
You're so dumb."

249
00:11:02,953 --> 00:11:04,914
[normal] You ever forget your password,

250
00:11:04,997 --> 00:11:07,625
and they make you take
that quiz with the photos?

251
00:11:08,376 --> 00:11:11,128
[tough voice] "Hey, idiot! You see
a stoplight in any of these photos?!"

252
00:11:11,212 --> 00:11:12,213
[laughter]

253
00:11:12,296 --> 00:11:14,840
[normal] For a second, you're like,
w-wait, what's a stoplight again?

254
00:11:15,633 --> 00:11:16,967
I always overthink it, and I'm like,

255
00:11:17,051 --> 00:11:19,929
well, that pole could be
connected to a stoplight.

256
00:11:20,012 --> 00:11:22,098
[laughter, applause]

257
00:11:22,181 --> 00:11:23,891
Is there partial credit?

258
00:11:25,184 --> 00:11:27,728
I usually just guess,
but when I get it right, I'm like,

259
00:11:27,812 --> 00:11:31,232
-I'm good at the stoplight game.
-[laughter]

260
00:11:31,315 --> 00:11:34,402
Made it to the next level.
Now, I'm allowed to check my own email.

261
00:11:34,485 --> 00:11:35,986
[laughter]

262
00:11:36,987 --> 00:11:39,699
They're so condescending to us.

263
00:11:39,782 --> 00:11:41,200
[condescending voice]
"You accept these cookies?"

264
00:11:41,992 --> 00:11:44,120
-[normal] Cookies?
-[laughter]

265
00:11:44,203 --> 00:11:45,204
You know someone was like,

266
00:11:45,287 --> 00:11:46,872
[gravelly voice]
"Just tell the idiots they're cookies."

267
00:11:47,873 --> 00:11:50,292
[normal]
And we're like, "Cookies? I like cookies.

268
00:11:51,127 --> 00:11:52,920
"I'm gonna accept all the cookies.

269
00:11:53,504 --> 00:11:55,631
Can I accept milk with the cookies?"

270
00:11:56,257 --> 00:11:57,758
They present it like it's a gift.

271
00:11:57,842 --> 00:11:59,802
[condescending]
"Do you accept these cookies?"

272
00:11:59,885 --> 00:12:02,179
[dumb voice]
"Well, gosh, I don't wanna be rude."

273
00:12:03,347 --> 00:12:05,307
[condescending]
"The polite thing is to accept the cookies

274
00:12:05,391 --> 00:12:07,560
and let us track your internet activity."

275
00:12:08,561 --> 00:12:11,689
-[dumb] "As long as I get them cookies."
-[audience laughing]

276
00:12:12,898 --> 00:12:14,650
We're so accepting of all of it.

277
00:12:15,276 --> 00:12:16,986
You ever been in
a conversation with someone

278
00:12:17,069 --> 00:12:19,572
where you're talking about
a vacation destination,

279
00:12:19,655 --> 00:12:22,241
and then, the next time you're online,
you start seeing ads

280
00:12:22,324 --> 00:12:23,909
-for that destination?
-[audience member] Yeah.

281
00:12:23,993 --> 00:12:27,872
And instead of being outraged
that your privacy was obviously invaded,

282
00:12:27,955 --> 00:12:29,498
you just book the trip.

283
00:12:29,582 --> 00:12:31,417
[audience laughing]

284
00:12:31,500 --> 00:12:34,628
"Looks like we're going to Mexico!"
[oafish laughter]

285
00:12:36,839 --> 00:12:39,925
I'm convinced technology's
making us delusional.

286
00:12:40,009 --> 00:12:42,261
The way everyone talks about
going to Mars now, it's like,

287
00:12:42,344 --> 00:12:43,512
[dumb voice] "We're going to Mars!

288
00:12:43,596 --> 00:12:46,015
We're going to Mars!
I can't wait to go to Mars!"

289
00:12:46,098 --> 00:12:48,476
[normal]
I don't think they were talking about you.

290
00:12:48,559 --> 00:12:50,352
[laughter]

291
00:12:50,436 --> 00:12:53,147
Why do you think you're going to Mars?
You haven't been to Minnesota.

292
00:12:54,899 --> 00:12:56,901
They weren't inviting us.

293
00:12:56,984 --> 00:12:59,195
I'm pretty sure they were just bragging.

294
00:12:59,862 --> 00:13:02,782
Jeff Bezos did take his brother
to outer space.

295
00:13:02,865 --> 00:13:04,116
I have three brothers,

296
00:13:04,200 --> 00:13:06,494
and I don't even wanna buy them dinner.

297
00:13:06,577 --> 00:13:08,120
[laughter]

298
00:13:08,204 --> 00:13:11,373
I appreciate the optimism,
but are we going to Mars?

299
00:13:11,457 --> 00:13:14,543
We put a man on the moon 54 years ago.

300
00:13:14,627 --> 00:13:17,213
And you know how many times
we put a man on the moon after that?

301
00:13:17,296 --> 00:13:19,215
Zero. You know why?

302
00:13:19,298 --> 00:13:21,509
'Cause we never put a man on the moon.

303
00:13:21,592 --> 00:13:23,719
[audience laughing]

304
00:13:23,803 --> 00:13:25,429
I don't know. I don't know.

305
00:13:25,513 --> 00:13:26,889
[laughter]

306
00:13:26,972 --> 00:13:28,766
I don't know,
maybe we put a man on the moon.

307
00:13:28,849 --> 00:13:31,143
I don't know.
Maybe we're going to Mars. Honestly,

308
00:13:31,227 --> 00:13:33,729
I-I don't know how a microwave works.

309
00:13:33,813 --> 00:13:35,064
[laughter]

310
00:13:35,147 --> 00:13:37,942
Like, if someone put a gun to my head,
and they're like, "Explain the microwave!"

311
00:13:38,025 --> 00:13:39,652
-I'd be like, "Ah!
-[laughter]

312
00:13:39,735 --> 00:13:43,197
"A light turns on. It rotates.

313
00:13:43,280 --> 00:13:45,783
"When the bell rings, your hot dog's done.

314
00:13:46,951 --> 00:13:49,745
-Is that close?"
-[laughter]

315
00:13:49,829 --> 00:13:52,122
There is so much I don't know.

316
00:13:52,790 --> 00:13:55,960
Most of the time,
I don't even feel like an adult.

317
00:13:56,043 --> 00:13:59,046
I still don't feel comfortable
buying shoes in a store.

318
00:13:59,672 --> 00:14:01,465
Shoes are the only clothing

319
00:14:01,549 --> 00:14:04,635
we let an absolute stranger put on us.

320
00:14:04,718 --> 00:14:06,679
You'd never go up to a salesperson,

321
00:14:06,762 --> 00:14:10,140
-"Will you put these pants on me?
-[laughter]

322
00:14:10,224 --> 00:14:11,475
Wh-Where are you going?"

323
00:14:12,643 --> 00:14:15,521
Yet, when we buy shoes,
we become helpless.

324
00:14:15,604 --> 00:14:18,065
We just sit down and we're like,
[grumbles]

325
00:14:18,148 --> 00:14:21,026
-"You do it.
-[laughter]

326
00:14:21,110 --> 00:14:23,487
My mommy's not here,
so you have to do it."

327
00:14:25,656 --> 00:14:29,076
And we know nothing about these people
putting shoes on our feet.

328
00:14:29,159 --> 00:14:31,203
There's no background check.

329
00:14:31,287 --> 00:14:34,790
All we know is they like to
work with stranger's feet.

330
00:14:36,166 --> 00:14:38,168
Everything they say is kinda creepy.

331
00:14:38,252 --> 00:14:40,880
-[creepy voice] "How do they feel?"
-[laughter]

332
00:14:40,963 --> 00:14:42,548
[normal] "Excuse me?"

333
00:14:42,631 --> 00:14:44,925
-[creepy] "Are they tight?"
-[laughter]

334
00:14:45,009 --> 00:14:47,094
[normal] "I-I beg your pardon?"

335
00:14:47,177 --> 00:14:49,305
[creepy] "Is that your big toe?"

336
00:14:49,388 --> 00:14:50,890
[laughter]

337
00:14:50,973 --> 00:14:53,267
[normal] "How dare you."

338
00:14:53,350 --> 00:14:55,019
[creepy]
"Why don't you walk around the store,

339
00:14:55,102 --> 00:14:57,313
show me how cute you look in that outfit?"

340
00:14:58,606 --> 00:15:00,441
[normal] "Well, since you asked nicely."

341
00:15:00,524 --> 00:15:03,402
[audience laughing]

342
00:15:03,485 --> 00:15:04,945
I've decided

343
00:15:05,029 --> 00:15:08,449
I'm gonna stop acting like I understand
things I know nothing about.

344
00:15:09,158 --> 00:15:12,202
Like the stock market. When they talk
about the stock market in the news like,

345
00:15:12,286 --> 00:15:15,247
[gravelly] "The stock market today,
rah rah rah rah rah rah!"

346
00:15:15,998 --> 00:15:17,583
[normal] I normally go,
"Oh, that's interesting."

347
00:15:17,666 --> 00:15:20,961
On the inside, I'm like, [dumb] "Duh!

348
00:15:21,045 --> 00:15:23,589
Stock market, duh..."

349
00:15:25,591 --> 00:15:27,509
[normal]
The saddest part of that, in college,

350
00:15:27,593 --> 00:15:30,137
-I majored in finance.
-[laughter]

351
00:15:30,220 --> 00:15:33,098
-[applause]
-I did. I really did. [laughs]

352
00:15:34,308 --> 00:15:37,102
Four years, 80,000 [dumb] dollars!

353
00:15:37,186 --> 00:15:38,938
[laughter]

354
00:15:39,021 --> 00:15:41,607
[normal] I'm so glad this is
what I do for a living.

355
00:15:41,690 --> 00:15:45,402
But, I tell you, the pandemic...
the pandemic did reveal

356
00:15:45,486 --> 00:15:48,364
how important your occupation
is to society.

357
00:15:48,447 --> 00:15:50,491
And let's just say stand-up comedian,

358
00:15:50,574 --> 00:15:52,993
-not essential.
-[laughter]

359
00:15:53,077 --> 00:15:54,745
Not even sential.

360
00:15:55,579 --> 00:15:58,666
They opened up strip clubs
before they let us tell a joke.

361
00:15:59,500 --> 00:16:03,295
"Stay over there, funny people.
Ladies, welcome back."

362
00:16:03,379 --> 00:16:05,547
[audience laughing]

363
00:16:05,631 --> 00:16:09,259
It didn't surprise me!
There isn't a time in history

364
00:16:09,343 --> 00:16:11,261
when I think I would've been useful.

365
00:16:11,345 --> 00:16:13,097
Even in an initial civilization.

366
00:16:13,180 --> 00:16:15,641
"We need someone to gather water,
someone to build housing.

367
00:16:15,724 --> 00:16:17,267
Jim, how could you help?"

368
00:16:17,351 --> 00:16:19,311
"Uh, I can make fun of those people."

369
00:16:19,395 --> 00:16:21,772
[audience laughing]

370
00:16:22,898 --> 00:16:25,359
It's weird.
I work in the entertainment industry,

371
00:16:25,442 --> 00:16:28,070
and I understand there's
a commonly held belief

372
00:16:28,153 --> 00:16:31,407
that people that work in show business
are narcissists,

373
00:16:31,490 --> 00:16:34,952
that are grossly overpaid for
unimportant jobs, but, believe me,

374
00:16:35,536 --> 00:16:38,539
-it's amazing.
-[laughter, applause]

375
00:16:39,289 --> 00:16:42,001
It is a sweet gig.

376
00:16:42,084 --> 00:16:45,087
[applause, cheering]

377
00:16:46,463 --> 00:16:49,591
Of course, there are some people
in the entertainment industry

378
00:16:49,675 --> 00:16:52,386
that have unique skills
that are properly compensated.

379
00:16:52,469 --> 00:16:55,723
I'm talking about
once-in-a-generation talents, right?

380
00:16:55,806 --> 00:16:58,100
You know, someone like Pat Sajak.

381
00:16:58,183 --> 00:16:59,893
[laughter]

382
00:16:59,977 --> 00:17:01,895
Former host of Wheel of Fortune.

383
00:17:01,979 --> 00:17:04,106
Was there anything Pat Sajak couldn't do?

384
00:17:05,357 --> 00:17:08,027
Think about this.
He was the host of Wheel of Fortune...

385
00:17:09,069 --> 00:17:10,154
[inhales]

386
00:17:10,237 --> 00:17:13,240
[audience laughing]

387
00:17:14,116 --> 00:17:16,243
He was like a Renaissance man.

388
00:17:16,869 --> 00:17:19,121
I'm sure Pat Sajak's a good guy.

389
00:17:19,204 --> 00:17:21,498
And I love Wheel of Fortune,
and I'm not even 80.

390
00:17:21,582 --> 00:17:23,333
-[laughter]
-I love Wheel of Fortune.

391
00:17:23,417 --> 00:17:26,879
So when he announced his retirement,
I was kinda bummed, you know?

392
00:17:26,962 --> 00:17:29,465
And he seems like a good guy,
so he probably gathered everyone

393
00:17:29,548 --> 00:17:31,633
from the Wheel of Fortune
family together, and he was like,

394
00:17:31,717 --> 00:17:34,094
"I've been doing this
for a couple decades,

395
00:17:34,178 --> 00:17:35,596
and I've decided to retire."

396
00:17:35,679 --> 00:17:37,973
I wish I was there 'cause if I was there,
I woulda been like,

397
00:17:38,057 --> 00:17:40,100
"You know this isn't a real job, right?

398
00:17:40,184 --> 00:17:41,560
[laughter]

399
00:17:41,643 --> 00:17:44,646
"You don't get to retire
from playing Hangman.

400
00:17:44,730 --> 00:17:46,982
[laughter]

401
00:17:47,066 --> 00:17:50,235
"The appropriate thing
to do is to apologize

402
00:17:50,319 --> 00:17:53,197
and give back all the money."

403
00:17:53,280 --> 00:17:54,698
[laughter]

404
00:17:54,782 --> 00:17:57,993
'Cause Pat Sajak had a good gig.
You know how much he made a year?

405
00:17:58,077 --> 00:18:01,163
-$17 million a year.
-[audience gasps]

406
00:18:01,246 --> 00:18:03,499
Yeah, that could buy a couple vowels.

407
00:18:04,249 --> 00:18:05,459
[audience laughing]

408
00:18:05,542 --> 00:18:08,712
17 mill-- And he didn't
even turn the letters!

409
00:18:09,838 --> 00:18:13,550
That was probably part of the negotiation.
He's like, "I can't do everything!"

410
00:18:13,634 --> 00:18:15,427
[laughter]

411
00:18:15,511 --> 00:18:16,553
So, they got Vanna White.

412
00:18:16,637 --> 00:18:19,181
He made 17 million. Vanna made 3 million.

413
00:18:19,264 --> 00:18:21,517
I think we'd all agree,
they both should make...

414
00:18:21,600 --> 00:18:23,811
-nothing.
-[audience laughing]

415
00:18:24,645 --> 00:18:25,646
[Jim laughs]

416
00:18:27,564 --> 00:18:29,525
When he announced his retirement,
were the producers like,

417
00:18:29,608 --> 00:18:31,151
"Oh, no!

418
00:18:31,235 --> 00:18:33,612
"This is awful.
Where are we gonna find someone to say,

419
00:18:33,695 --> 00:18:36,115
'It's your turn to spin the wheel'?"

420
00:18:36,740 --> 00:18:39,743
[audience laughing]

421
00:18:41,161 --> 00:18:42,871
The good news, there is good news,

422
00:18:42,955 --> 00:18:46,458
Pat Sajak is continuing on
as a consultant on the show.

423
00:18:46,542 --> 00:18:48,544
[laughter]

424
00:18:48,627 --> 00:18:50,838
I-I don't know what consulting work...

425
00:18:51,839 --> 00:18:54,299
there is on the Wheel of Fortune. [laughs]

426
00:18:54,383 --> 00:18:56,760
"Uh, any new letters come out today?"

427
00:18:56,844 --> 00:18:59,471
[laughing, applause]

428
00:19:01,598 --> 00:19:04,351
"No, Pat. Still the same 26 letters."

429
00:19:05,269 --> 00:19:07,479
"Alright, well, I-I'll be in my office."

430
00:19:07,563 --> 00:19:09,857
-[audience laughing]
-[Jim muttering]

431
00:19:13,610 --> 00:19:15,195
I love doing stand-up comedy.

432
00:19:15,279 --> 00:19:17,865
Occasionally, I'll be hired
for an acting job.

433
00:19:17,948 --> 00:19:20,826
And sometimes, the directors of
these projects will say to me like,

434
00:19:20,909 --> 00:19:23,537
"Jim, I think I'd like to see you
clean-shaven." And I'd be like,

435
00:19:23,620 --> 00:19:26,582
-"I don't think you do."
-[laughter]

436
00:19:26,665 --> 00:19:29,918
I always do it,
but after I shave my beard,

437
00:19:30,002 --> 00:19:32,963
-I am so disgusted with my appearance.
-[laughter]

438
00:19:33,046 --> 00:19:35,757
I walk around feeling
like I should apologize.

439
00:19:36,508 --> 00:19:38,844
-Sorry. Sorry about this.
-[laughter]

440
00:19:38,927 --> 00:19:40,721
Oh, you're eating. Sorry.

441
00:19:42,097 --> 00:19:46,059
And it's not just me. It's shocking
to everyone who knows me with a beard.

442
00:19:46,143 --> 00:19:49,396
And they don't hold back. They're like,
"Ew, gross! Where's your beard?"

443
00:19:50,731 --> 00:19:54,151
-And those are just my children.
-[laughter]

444
00:19:54,234 --> 00:19:57,237
'Cause a beard is really
the poor man's facelift.

445
00:19:58,238 --> 00:20:02,075
Every compliment a man receives
on his beard is backhanded.

446
00:20:02,576 --> 00:20:04,036
"I like your face with a beard."

447
00:20:04,119 --> 00:20:06,747
"Oh, so it's better covered in hair.

448
00:20:06,830 --> 00:20:08,457
[laughter]

449
00:20:08,540 --> 00:20:10,876
Thanks." I feel sorry for women.

450
00:20:10,959 --> 00:20:13,003
Some women can't grow a beard.

451
00:20:13,086 --> 00:20:14,087
[laughter]

452
00:20:14,171 --> 00:20:15,172
You know?

453
00:20:16,256 --> 00:20:19,134
What you must understand is
every man who has a beard

454
00:20:19,218 --> 00:20:20,344
needs that beard.

455
00:20:20,886 --> 00:20:23,388
Every man who has a beard at one point
looked in the mirror,

456
00:20:23,472 --> 00:20:24,806
bare-faced, and was like,

457
00:20:25,599 --> 00:20:28,602
-"I gotta hide this."
-[laughter]

458
00:20:28,685 --> 00:20:31,813
Think of all the significant
historical figures

459
00:20:31,897 --> 00:20:34,441
who had beards probably
'cause they were insecure.

460
00:20:35,150 --> 00:20:36,777
Abraham Lincoln.

461
00:20:36,860 --> 00:20:38,153
Karl Marx.

462
00:20:38,862 --> 00:20:41,448
-Gandalf.
-[laughter]

463
00:20:41,531 --> 00:20:43,242
They all had beards.

464
00:20:43,325 --> 00:20:46,036
Jesus! Jesus had a beard.

465
00:20:46,119 --> 00:20:48,413
Jesus was probably walking on water,

466
00:20:48,497 --> 00:20:50,666
looked down, saw his reflection, was like,

467
00:20:50,749 --> 00:20:54,294
-"Jesus!
-[laughter, applause]

468
00:20:54,378 --> 00:20:56,755
[cheering]

469
00:20:56,838 --> 00:20:58,548
"I gotta grow a beard.

470
00:20:59,258 --> 00:21:01,760
I'm not gonna get any
followers looking like this."

471
00:21:01,843 --> 00:21:02,970
[laughter]

472
00:21:03,053 --> 00:21:05,138
By the way, this is how Jesus walked.

473
00:21:05,222 --> 00:21:06,306
[laughter]

474
00:21:06,390 --> 00:21:08,934
When Jesus walked on water,
did he act like it was difficult?

475
00:21:09,017 --> 00:21:11,770
-Was he like, "Oh...
-[laughter]

476
00:21:12,813 --> 00:21:14,439
"Can you believe it?

477
00:21:15,357 --> 00:21:17,484
"I'm walking on water!

478
00:21:17,567 --> 00:21:19,194
Take out your phone! Get this!"

479
00:21:19,278 --> 00:21:21,238
[laughter]

480
00:21:21,321 --> 00:21:23,240
Or did he walk with, like,
an attitude like,

481
00:21:23,323 --> 00:21:25,242
"Yeah, that's right, bitches.
Look at this."

482
00:21:25,325 --> 00:21:26,618
[audience laughing]

483
00:21:26,702 --> 00:21:28,495
"Yass, king of kings!"

484
00:21:31,873 --> 00:21:35,252
Of course, that was-- Walking on water
was one of Jesus' miracles,

485
00:21:35,335 --> 00:21:37,296
but you know someone there
probably just thought

486
00:21:37,379 --> 00:21:39,631
it was a magic trick.
Someone came out,

487
00:21:39,715 --> 00:21:42,426
"Hey, I saw your, uh,
walking on water show.

488
00:21:43,635 --> 00:21:46,430
"Pretty cool.
I book children's birthday parties.

489
00:21:46,513 --> 00:21:47,556
[laughter]

490
00:21:47,639 --> 00:21:49,850
We could make a killing."
And Jesus was like,

491
00:21:49,933 --> 00:21:52,728
"It wasn't a magic trick.
I'm the Son of God."

492
00:21:53,729 --> 00:21:56,398
-"Interesting stage name.
-[laughter]

493
00:21:56,481 --> 00:21:58,984
Anyway, here's my card. My name's Judas."

494
00:21:59,067 --> 00:22:01,194
[laughter, applause]

495
00:22:03,405 --> 00:22:06,366
-All that's in the Bible, everyone.
-[laughter]

496
00:22:06,450 --> 00:22:07,617
It's in the Bible.

497
00:22:08,827 --> 00:22:11,788
There is some wild stuff in the Bible,
right? Like early on,

498
00:22:11,872 --> 00:22:15,834
God asked Abraham
to sacrifice his only son.

499
00:22:16,209 --> 00:22:19,338
God asked Abraham to kill his only son.

500
00:22:19,421 --> 00:22:21,423
And Abraham, like most fathers, said,

501
00:22:21,506 --> 00:22:24,509
-"Alright, I'll do it."
-[audience laughing]

502
00:22:26,970 --> 00:22:30,849
In his defense, we don't know what Abraham
was doing right before God asked him.

503
00:22:31,683 --> 00:22:33,477
Maybe Abraham was going
through bills and was like,

504
00:22:33,560 --> 00:22:37,022
"Wh-who spent 500 shekels on Nintendo?"

505
00:22:37,105 --> 00:22:39,649
[laughter, applause]

506
00:22:39,733 --> 00:22:41,360
And then right at that moment,
God was like,

507
00:22:41,443 --> 00:22:43,528
"Abraham, I want you to
sacrifice your only son."

508
00:22:43,612 --> 00:22:46,698
-Abraham's like, "Gladly!
-[laughter]

509
00:22:46,782 --> 00:22:49,034
Can it be a strangle sacrifice?"

510
00:22:53,705 --> 00:22:55,874
God was communicating
with Abraham from Heaven.

511
00:22:55,957 --> 00:22:57,584
I don't know if he was yelling down.

512
00:22:58,293 --> 00:23:01,213
Did anyone overhear
the conversation? Like,

513
00:23:01,296 --> 00:23:04,591
was there anyone up there in Heaven?
Was Jesus up in Heaven? Was God like,

514
00:23:04,674 --> 00:23:07,552
"Abraham, I want you to sacrifice
your only son!" And Jesus was like,

515
00:23:07,636 --> 00:23:09,471
"Dad, what the hell are you doing?!"

516
00:23:10,055 --> 00:23:11,098
[laughter]

517
00:23:11,181 --> 00:23:13,058
God was like,
"Uh, we've been through this before.

518
00:23:13,141 --> 00:23:15,143
-"Just mind your own business.
-[laughter]

519
00:23:15,227 --> 00:23:17,604
"Pay no attention to that bearded hippie!

520
00:23:18,939 --> 00:23:21,942
Abraham, I'd like you to sacrifice
your only son." Jesus was like,

521
00:23:22,025 --> 00:23:23,944
"Dad, you can't ask Abraham

522
00:23:24,027 --> 00:23:26,071
to sacrifice his only son!"
And God was like,

523
00:23:26,154 --> 00:23:28,490
"Uh, that gives me an idea.

524
00:23:28,573 --> 00:23:30,742
[groaning, laughter]

525
00:23:30,826 --> 00:23:32,953
"Jesus, I'd like you to go down to Earth,

526
00:23:33,036 --> 00:23:35,080
and, uh, tell the humans I'm your dad."

527
00:23:35,705 --> 00:23:38,417
And Jesus is like, "If I go down there,
if I tell the humans you're my dad,

528
00:23:38,500 --> 00:23:40,043
they might get angry. They might hurt me."

529
00:23:40,127 --> 00:23:43,130
-And God's like, [sarcastic] "No...
-[laughter]

530
00:23:43,213 --> 00:23:46,383
Why would they do that?
They seem so nice down there."

531
00:23:46,967 --> 00:23:49,344
Jesus is like, "Alright, if I go down
there and they start to hurt me,

532
00:23:49,428 --> 00:23:52,305
you'll stop 'em." And God's like,
"Yeah, definitely. Probably, maybe.

533
00:23:52,389 --> 00:23:55,058
-[audience laughing]
-Yeah..."

534
00:23:56,268 --> 00:23:59,479
Abraham was rewarded
for his loyalty, right?

535
00:23:59,563 --> 00:24:02,107
He got to live to the age of 175.

536
00:24:02,190 --> 00:24:04,818
He died when he was 175, which is cool.

537
00:24:04,901 --> 00:24:08,530
-But, those last 90 years...
-[laughter]

538
00:24:08,613 --> 00:24:09,865
Yikes, right?

539
00:24:09,948 --> 00:24:12,868
Do you think when they were first
writing down the Bible, anyone was like,

540
00:24:13,452 --> 00:24:16,455
"Wait, do we really wanna put 175?

541
00:24:17,289 --> 00:24:19,958
"I mean, we want people
to read this, right?

542
00:24:20,041 --> 00:24:21,543
[laughter]

543
00:24:21,626 --> 00:24:23,962
"Why don't we just put 75?

544
00:24:24,045 --> 00:24:26,089
"You know, that's a good run.
I could see it.

545
00:24:26,173 --> 00:24:27,883
"Mediterranean diet. That could happen.

546
00:24:27,966 --> 00:24:29,676
-[laughter]
-You know?"

547
00:24:30,469 --> 00:24:33,805
175. If you met someone today,
and they're like,

548
00:24:33,889 --> 00:24:35,807
"My grandpa lived to 175," you'd be like,

549
00:24:35,891 --> 00:24:38,727
-"You're mentally ill."
-[laughter]

550
00:24:38,810 --> 00:24:41,521
Could you imagine if you lived to 175?

551
00:24:41,605 --> 00:24:44,024
You're like, "Yeah, I retired at 60.

552
00:24:45,150 --> 00:24:48,153
"Had no idea I had
another 115 years to go.

553
00:24:48,236 --> 00:24:49,654
[laughter]

554
00:24:49,738 --> 00:24:52,199
How much pickleball
am I supposed to play?"

555
00:24:52,282 --> 00:24:54,409
-[cheering, applause]
-Like, geez.

556
00:24:55,368 --> 00:24:58,955
-[cheering, applause]
-Thank you. Thank you.

557
00:25:01,917 --> 00:25:05,086
That was Abraham's reward.
He got to live to 175.

558
00:25:05,170 --> 00:25:07,964
He also is a founding figure
of not just one religion,

559
00:25:08,048 --> 00:25:09,424
but three religions, right?

560
00:25:09,508 --> 00:25:12,844
Judaism, Christianity, and Islam,
which is amazing.

561
00:25:12,928 --> 00:25:14,387
You know what's even more amazing?

562
00:25:14,471 --> 00:25:16,640
Those three religions, best buddies.

563
00:25:16,723 --> 00:25:18,850
[audience laughing]

564
00:25:18,934 --> 00:25:21,186
They get along great, no problems.

565
00:25:21,895 --> 00:25:24,523
Does Abraham feel any responsibility?

566
00:25:25,065 --> 00:25:28,109
Does he ever look down from Heaven,
like, "Yikes!

567
00:25:28,193 --> 00:25:29,736
[laughter]

568
00:25:29,819 --> 00:25:31,571
I-I didn't do that..."

569
00:25:33,031 --> 00:25:35,867
God used to be so much more involved.

570
00:25:35,951 --> 00:25:39,329
God was so hands-on.
Talking to Abraham,

571
00:25:39,412 --> 00:25:41,206
floods, plagues.

572
00:25:41,289 --> 00:25:42,874
Now, He's just like, "You know what?

573
00:25:43,833 --> 00:25:46,878
"Just put Jesus' face on a piece of toast.

574
00:25:46,962 --> 00:25:49,923
-[audience laughing]
-[sighs]

575
00:25:50,006 --> 00:25:52,968
"I just can't even, you know?

576
00:25:54,553 --> 00:25:57,556
No, if they're not gonna listen,
I'm not gonna try!"

577
00:25:57,639 --> 00:25:59,140
[laughter]

578
00:26:00,267 --> 00:26:03,395
I guess the point I'm trying
to make is I'm a Christian.

579
00:26:03,895 --> 00:26:05,063
[laughter]

580
00:26:05,146 --> 00:26:08,149
And the reason I say that is
to make you feel uncomfortable.

581
00:26:09,484 --> 00:26:11,903
'Cause when non-Christians
hear me say I'm a Christian,

582
00:26:11,987 --> 00:26:13,488
they think, "Oh, no."

583
00:26:13,572 --> 00:26:15,574
And when Christians
hear me say I'm a Christian,

584
00:26:15,657 --> 00:26:18,618
-they think, "Oh, no."
-[laughter]

585
00:26:18,702 --> 00:26:20,829
So, it's a way to bring
the crowd together.

586
00:26:20,912 --> 00:26:24,666
[applause, laughter]

587
00:26:24,749 --> 00:26:27,752
[applause, cheering]

588
00:26:30,046 --> 00:26:32,215
Thank you so much for
coming out, by the way.

589
00:26:32,299 --> 00:26:34,509
-I do appreciate it.
-[cheering]

590
00:26:34,593 --> 00:26:37,596
-Yeah. Thank you.
-[applause]

591
00:26:37,679 --> 00:26:39,180
Um...

592
00:26:41,600 --> 00:26:44,769
I'm so grateful that I can travel around

593
00:26:44,853 --> 00:26:47,314
doing stand-up comedy,
but I do need you to know

594
00:26:47,397 --> 00:26:49,816
that my life at home is horrible.

595
00:26:49,899 --> 00:26:50,900
[laughter]

596
00:26:50,984 --> 00:26:53,820
I have five children. It's like hell.

597
00:26:54,571 --> 00:26:57,657
My life at home is actually
the opposite of this experience.

598
00:26:57,741 --> 00:27:00,285
Like, when I came out,
you guys greeted me with applause.

599
00:27:00,368 --> 00:27:03,580
-At home, I'm not even acknowledged.
-[laughter]

600
00:27:03,663 --> 00:27:06,374
And I'm not suggesting parents
should be greeted with applause.

601
00:27:06,458 --> 00:27:07,751
That's not enough.

602
00:27:07,834 --> 00:27:09,628
[laughter, cheering]

603
00:27:09,711 --> 00:27:12,922
I think parents should
receive a standing ovation.

604
00:27:13,506 --> 00:27:14,799
-There should be an announcer.
-[cheering]

605
00:27:14,883 --> 00:27:18,136
"Please welcome,
the only reason you're alive."

606
00:27:18,219 --> 00:27:20,722
-[applause, laughter]
-Right?

607
00:27:20,805 --> 00:27:23,808
[cheering]

608
00:27:25,727 --> 00:27:26,936
'Cause,

609
00:27:27,020 --> 00:27:29,522
parenting is an impossible task!

610
00:27:29,606 --> 00:27:32,942
It's too hard!
The expectations are too high.

611
00:27:33,026 --> 00:27:35,528
In baseball, if I have a .300 average,

612
00:27:35,612 --> 00:27:38,615
if I get a hit three times outta 10,
I'm good.

613
00:27:38,698 --> 00:27:41,117
Yet, if I hit my kid once...

614
00:27:41,201 --> 00:27:43,244
[audience laughing]

615
00:27:44,788 --> 00:27:46,122
I'm bad at it?

616
00:27:47,707 --> 00:27:49,959
Children, children are the only thing

617
00:27:50,043 --> 00:27:52,128
we remove from the human body,

618
00:27:52,212 --> 00:27:53,421
and then keep.

619
00:27:53,505 --> 00:27:56,132
[audience laughing]

620
00:27:57,133 --> 00:27:58,176
You know?

621
00:27:58,259 --> 00:28:01,471
[applause, cheering]

622
00:28:04,724 --> 00:28:05,725
You never hear someone say,

623
00:28:05,809 --> 00:28:07,560
"That's my appendix. That's my son.

624
00:28:07,644 --> 00:28:09,854
-Neither of 'em work."
-[audience laughing]

625
00:28:11,523 --> 00:28:14,192
I do believe parents,
we deserve this pain.

626
00:28:14,734 --> 00:28:17,654
We deserve the pain.
The audacity, the audacity to think

627
00:28:17,737 --> 00:28:19,531
you're equipped to be a parent.

628
00:28:19,614 --> 00:28:22,575
And we just arrogantly jump
into this responsibility.

629
00:28:23,159 --> 00:28:26,162
We're just like, "Yeah, yeah,
I lose my phone once a day.

630
00:28:26,246 --> 00:28:27,747
[laughter]

631
00:28:27,831 --> 00:28:29,874
"I could take care of a baby.

632
00:28:33,628 --> 00:28:36,131
[laughter]

633
00:28:36,214 --> 00:28:37,757
"Can you call my baby?

634
00:28:39,718 --> 00:28:41,094
Call my baby!"

635
00:28:44,764 --> 00:28:46,891
Now, I'm aware
not everyone here is a parent.

636
00:28:46,975 --> 00:28:49,060
You know, you have a child,
you become a parent.

637
00:28:49,144 --> 00:28:52,105
You never have a child,
you just remain happy.

638
00:28:52,188 --> 00:28:54,399
[audience laughing]

639
00:28:54,482 --> 00:28:55,775
Not everyone wants to be a parent.

640
00:28:55,859 --> 00:28:58,945
Some choose to not have children,
and I respect that. I do.

641
00:28:59,028 --> 00:29:01,906
But, I don't think those people
should be considered adults.

642
00:29:01,990 --> 00:29:03,533
[laughter]

643
00:29:03,616 --> 00:29:06,035
How are they different
from giant toddlers?

644
00:29:06,703 --> 00:29:09,497
What stress is keeping
them awake at night?

645
00:29:09,998 --> 00:29:12,417
[whiny voice]
"Where am I gonna go for brunch?"

646
00:29:12,500 --> 00:29:15,170
[laughter]

647
00:29:15,253 --> 00:29:18,757
If you're over the age of 30,
and the biggest problem in your life

648
00:29:18,840 --> 00:29:20,216
is your Wi-Fi connection,

649
00:29:20,884 --> 00:29:23,219
-you're not an adult.
-[laughter]

650
00:29:23,303 --> 00:29:26,890
If you've never been out,
discovered a stain, and privately prayed

651
00:29:26,973 --> 00:29:29,976
-that it was chocolate...
-[laughter, applause]

652
00:29:31,019 --> 00:29:32,437
you're not an adult.

653
00:29:33,480 --> 00:29:36,024
If you haven't bragged
to your spouse or partner

654
00:29:36,107 --> 00:29:39,360
that you haven't had time
to shower for three days,

655
00:29:39,944 --> 00:29:41,905
you're not an adult.

656
00:29:41,988 --> 00:29:43,698
And you might be a redneck.

657
00:29:43,782 --> 00:29:47,076
[laughter, applause]

658
00:29:48,203 --> 00:29:49,871
There's no comparison.

659
00:29:49,954 --> 00:29:52,665
One has a rich, fulfilling life,

660
00:29:52,749 --> 00:29:56,336
-and the other is a parent.
-[laughter]

661
00:29:56,419 --> 00:29:58,379
There should be a whole
other classification.

662
00:29:58,463 --> 00:30:00,173
Oh, you're over 30, no kids?

663
00:30:00,256 --> 00:30:02,967
You're a junior adult.
How was brunch?

664
00:30:03,051 --> 00:30:05,178
[laughter]

665
00:30:05,261 --> 00:30:08,181
By the way, can we admit brunch
was just the rationalization

666
00:30:08,264 --> 00:30:10,683
-of some alcoholic?
-[laughter]

667
00:30:10,767 --> 00:30:12,685
Someone's like,
"You can't drink alcohol at breakfast."

668
00:30:12,769 --> 00:30:14,687
[slurred] "It's not breakfast.

669
00:30:15,980 --> 00:30:19,400
-It's brunch."
-[laughter, applause]

670
00:30:19,484 --> 00:30:20,819
"What?"

671
00:30:20,902 --> 00:30:23,988
[slurred]
"It's breakfast. It's lunch. It's...

672
00:30:24,072 --> 00:30:25,532
Happy birthday!"

673
00:30:25,615 --> 00:30:28,701
[laughter, applause]

674
00:30:29,494 --> 00:30:31,871
Everything about brunch is ridiculous.

675
00:30:31,955 --> 00:30:35,625
-You obviously slept through breakfast.
-[laughter]

676
00:30:35,708 --> 00:30:38,628
And now, you're demanding
French toast at 1:00 p.m.

677
00:30:38,711 --> 00:30:42,298
-while you get loaded on mimosas.
-[laughter]

678
00:30:42,882 --> 00:30:45,969
Tell me the mimosa wasn't
the brainchild of a drunk?

679
00:30:46,678 --> 00:30:49,514
[slurred]
"Do you have fresh-squeezed orange juice?

680
00:30:50,098 --> 00:30:53,059
"You do? Pour in some champagne.

681
00:30:53,142 --> 00:30:54,310
[laughter]

682
00:30:54,394 --> 00:30:56,563
"We'll call it a m...

683
00:30:57,856 --> 00:31:00,441
-...mosa."
-[laughter]

684
00:31:01,192 --> 00:31:04,654
[normal] Mimosa even sounds like
that unreliable coworker.

685
00:31:05,446 --> 00:31:07,448
"Mimosa, where's the quarterly report?"

686
00:31:07,532 --> 00:31:10,118
-[slurred] "I'm working on it!
-[laughter]

687
00:31:11,744 --> 00:31:14,247
"Who wants to go get linner?

688
00:31:15,790 --> 00:31:17,458
"It's lunch. It's dinner.

689
00:31:17,542 --> 00:31:20,253
It's... happy birthday!"

690
00:31:21,546 --> 00:31:24,841
I'm sensitive to the fact some people
physically can't have children,

691
00:31:24,924 --> 00:31:26,467
but there is adoption.

692
00:31:26,551 --> 00:31:29,470
And we learn from an early age
through movies like Annie and Oliver

693
00:31:29,554 --> 00:31:31,931
that there are children out there
that need parents,

694
00:31:32,015 --> 00:31:34,517
and many of those kids can sing and dance.

695
00:31:34,601 --> 00:31:36,185
[laughter]

696
00:31:36,269 --> 00:31:38,730
So, have a heart.
Support the arts, people.

697
00:31:38,813 --> 00:31:41,441
[audience laughing]

698
00:31:41,524 --> 00:31:43,610
I certainly don't care
if someone has kids.

699
00:31:43,693 --> 00:31:46,321
I think it's weird some of
the pressure we put on people.

700
00:31:46,404 --> 00:31:48,156
Some of the things we say, like people go,

701
00:31:48,239 --> 00:31:50,199
[snide voice] "Well, who's gonna take
care of you in your old age?

702
00:31:50,283 --> 00:31:52,660
Who's gonna take care of you
in your old age?" And I'm like,

703
00:31:52,744 --> 00:31:54,662
"Well, not my children."

704
00:31:54,746 --> 00:31:56,497
[laughter]

705
00:31:56,581 --> 00:31:58,666
Let me understand the logic here.
My kids,

706
00:31:58,750 --> 00:32:01,336
who've done nothing but bleed me dry...

707
00:32:02,795 --> 00:32:05,798
are suddenly gonna wake up
and take care of me?

708
00:32:06,883 --> 00:32:08,635
That feels like a gamble.

709
00:32:08,718 --> 00:32:10,929
[audience laughing]

710
00:32:11,012 --> 00:32:14,182
By the way, I'm not worried about my kids
putting me in an old folks home.

711
00:32:14,265 --> 00:32:16,142
They're not that resourceful.

712
00:32:17,352 --> 00:32:20,480
"I gotta fill out forms?
Just stick him in the garage."

713
00:32:20,563 --> 00:32:23,816
[laughter, applause]

714
00:32:24,984 --> 00:32:26,110
If you don't have kids,

715
00:32:26,194 --> 00:32:29,364
here's a story
which embodies the joy of parenting.

716
00:32:29,447 --> 00:32:32,784
I have five children, so I try to do
one-on-one time with each of them.

717
00:32:32,867 --> 00:32:34,661
That way, I know I've met them all.

718
00:32:34,744 --> 00:32:36,037
[laughter]

719
00:32:36,120 --> 00:32:39,207
Last February, I took my then
10-year-old son for a walk.

720
00:32:39,290 --> 00:32:41,709
We walked our dog,
and before we left, I said,

721
00:32:41,793 --> 00:32:44,253
"Hey, it's pretty cold out there.
You might wanna grab a coat." He's like,

722
00:32:44,337 --> 00:32:46,589
[angry voice] "I'm not wearing a coat!
That's stupid! You can't make me!"

723
00:32:47,590 --> 00:32:49,550
[normal] I was like,
"Fine, you don't have to wear a coat."

724
00:32:49,634 --> 00:32:51,970
So we went for the walk
and as we turned to walk back,

725
00:32:52,053 --> 00:32:53,137
he looked at me and asked,

726
00:32:53,221 --> 00:32:55,723
[sad voice] "Dad, can I have your coat?"

727
00:32:55,807 --> 00:32:57,225
[laughter]

728
00:32:57,850 --> 00:32:59,602
[normal] And I didn't hesitate, right?

729
00:32:59,686 --> 00:33:02,397
Because being a parent
is like being a psychic

730
00:33:02,480 --> 00:33:05,608
who's constantly correct,
but always ignored.

731
00:33:05,692 --> 00:33:07,986
[laughter, applause]

732
00:33:08,069 --> 00:33:09,070
Right?

733
00:33:09,153 --> 00:33:12,407
[applause, cheering]

734
00:33:16,536 --> 00:33:19,163
All day, every day, parents are like,

735
00:33:19,247 --> 00:33:22,583
"Let me look into my crystal ball.

736
00:33:22,667 --> 00:33:25,586
Ooh, it's pretty cold out there.
You might wanna grab a coat."

737
00:33:25,670 --> 00:33:27,964
-[angry] "You're fat."
-[laughter]

738
00:33:29,132 --> 00:33:31,968
[normal] "Oh, if you stay up late,
you may be tired in the morning."

739
00:33:32,051 --> 00:33:33,261
[angry] "You're bald."

740
00:33:34,387 --> 00:33:36,556
[normal] "Ooh, I foresee economic hardship

741
00:33:36,639 --> 00:33:39,642
-when I kick you out of this house."
-[laughter]

742
00:33:40,977 --> 00:33:44,439
It's not their fault.
Children don't understand consequences.

743
00:33:44,522 --> 00:33:46,441
Parents understand consequences.

744
00:33:46,524 --> 00:33:49,110
-They're called children.
-[laughter]

745
00:33:49,193 --> 00:33:52,196
Children are walking,
talking consequences.

746
00:33:52,780 --> 00:33:55,366
That's why every parent occasionally
looks at their kid and thinks,

747
00:33:55,450 --> 00:33:57,910
"I know I shouldn't have
gotten wasted that night."

748
00:33:57,994 --> 00:33:59,579
[laughter]

749
00:34:00,997 --> 00:34:05,084
It is wild how different the childhood
my kids are having from the one I had.

750
00:34:05,168 --> 00:34:07,211
Like, I remember when I was 10 years old,

751
00:34:07,295 --> 00:34:09,756
my mom used to send me on errands.
I remember one time,

752
00:34:09,839 --> 00:34:12,884
she sent me to the grocery store
with very specific instructions.

753
00:34:12,967 --> 00:34:14,761
I walked a mile and a half
to the grocery store,

754
00:34:14,844 --> 00:34:16,095
and I did what I was told.

755
00:34:16,179 --> 00:34:19,140
I went right up to the cashier,
handed her $10 and said,

756
00:34:19,849 --> 00:34:23,186
"My mom sent me here to
buy a carton of cigarettes.

757
00:34:23,269 --> 00:34:25,855
-Merit Ultra Lights."
-[laughter]

758
00:34:25,938 --> 00:34:28,357
The cashier looked at me and asked,
"How old are you?"

759
00:34:28,441 --> 00:34:30,693
And I said, "I'm 10 years old."

760
00:34:30,777 --> 00:34:32,487
She said, "You're a good boy."

761
00:34:32,570 --> 00:34:36,199
[laughter, applause]

762
00:34:36,282 --> 00:34:37,867
She complimented me,

763
00:34:38,576 --> 00:34:40,369
gave me the cigarettes and my change,

764
00:34:40,453 --> 00:34:43,414
and I walked home, smoking the entire way.

765
00:34:43,498 --> 00:34:46,125
[applause]

766
00:34:49,420 --> 00:34:52,715
We used to send children on errands alone.

767
00:34:53,216 --> 00:34:55,384
But now, after 25 years of

768
00:34:55,468 --> 00:34:57,470
Law & Order: Special Victims Unit,

769
00:34:59,680 --> 00:35:02,725
we don't feel safe having
them open a refrigerator.

770
00:35:04,560 --> 00:35:06,771
I used to like the independence, you know?

771
00:35:06,854 --> 00:35:08,981
I mean, I was definitely
scared here and there.

772
00:35:09,065 --> 00:35:11,234
I was mostly afraid of grown-ups.

773
00:35:11,317 --> 00:35:13,528
Grown-ups were just these evil giants

774
00:35:13,611 --> 00:35:15,571
that somehow all knew each other.

775
00:35:16,280 --> 00:35:17,740
[gravelly voice] "I know your father."

776
00:35:17,824 --> 00:35:20,284
[audience laughing]

777
00:35:20,368 --> 00:35:21,661
[normal] "How?"

778
00:35:22,328 --> 00:35:24,622
[creepy voice] "I held you as a baby."

779
00:35:25,665 --> 00:35:28,334
-[normal] "Why?"
-[laughter]

780
00:35:28,960 --> 00:35:32,046
My friends growing up
were afraid of my dad. You know?

781
00:35:32,130 --> 00:35:35,216
My, my childhood best friend, to this day,
is still afraid of my dad.

782
00:35:35,299 --> 00:35:38,719
-My dad's been dead for 30 years.
-[laughter]

783
00:35:38,803 --> 00:35:42,265
My kids, their friends,
they view me as an Uber driver.

784
00:35:43,266 --> 00:35:45,810
And they've requested a silent ride.

785
00:35:46,644 --> 00:35:49,147
[audience laughing]

786
00:35:50,523 --> 00:35:52,358
[snarky voice]
"Can we turn down the music, Jim?"

787
00:35:54,735 --> 00:35:57,738
-[normal] I'll kill you.
-[audience laughing]

788
00:35:57,822 --> 00:35:58,865
I mean...

789
00:35:59,323 --> 00:36:00,700
I know your parents.

790
00:36:01,993 --> 00:36:03,452
I'll kill them, too.

791
00:36:03,536 --> 00:36:04,996
[audience laughing]

792
00:36:06,998 --> 00:36:09,208
Parenting is about sacrifice, right?

793
00:36:09,292 --> 00:36:11,335
Some big, some small.

794
00:36:11,419 --> 00:36:13,629
Do you know how many horrible kids' movies
I've seen?

795
00:36:14,547 --> 00:36:17,091
-In the theater?
-[laughter]

796
00:36:17,175 --> 00:36:20,094
I've voluntarily driven,
purchased multiple tickets,

797
00:36:20,178 --> 00:36:22,805
and sat through absolute garbage.

798
00:36:23,639 --> 00:36:25,349
Objectively bad movies.

799
00:36:25,433 --> 00:36:28,728
Like, I didn't need to read a review.
I didn't need to watch a trailer.

800
00:36:28,811 --> 00:36:32,356
Nobody asks themselves like,
"I wonder if The Smurfs is a good film."

801
00:36:32,440 --> 00:36:33,733
[laughter]

802
00:36:33,816 --> 00:36:34,984
It's not!

803
00:36:35,818 --> 00:36:38,821
They tried to warn us by
calling it The Smurfs!

804
00:36:40,448 --> 00:36:43,242
I have five children.
I've been going to horrible kids' movies

805
00:36:43,326 --> 00:36:45,203
for 15 years.

806
00:36:45,286 --> 00:36:47,830
A decade and a half of torture.

807
00:36:47,914 --> 00:36:50,208
And the hardest part, the self-censorship.

808
00:36:50,291 --> 00:36:53,544
'Cause after you sit through
a movie like Trolls

809
00:36:53,628 --> 00:36:55,379
or My Pretty Pony,

810
00:36:55,463 --> 00:36:57,840
if you're a normal adult,
you need to turn to someone and go,

811
00:36:57,924 --> 00:37:01,677
-"Well, that was horseshit."
-[laughter]

812
00:37:01,761 --> 00:37:05,348
You know? But you can't
say that to an 8-year-old!

813
00:37:06,599 --> 00:37:08,976
So, you just ask,
[happy voice] "Hey, what'd you think?

814
00:37:09,894 --> 00:37:12,271
Yeah, I hope they make another one, too!"

815
00:37:12,355 --> 00:37:14,148
[laughter]

816
00:37:14,232 --> 00:37:16,108
[normal]
And they do. They make five more.

817
00:37:17,276 --> 00:37:20,488
And you sit through each of them,
just thinking about alcohol.

818
00:37:20,571 --> 00:37:21,572
[laughter]

819
00:37:21,656 --> 00:37:25,618
My father, my father would've never sat
through a horrible kids' movie.

820
00:37:26,118 --> 00:37:28,079
On the rare occasion
my dad took us to a movie,

821
00:37:28,162 --> 00:37:30,456
-we were never consulted!
-[laughter]

822
00:37:30,539 --> 00:37:32,041
We didn't know what movie
we were gonna see.

823
00:37:32,124 --> 00:37:34,335
He didn't know what movie
we were gonna see!

824
00:37:34,877 --> 00:37:36,837
It was understood that
when we got to the theater,

825
00:37:36,921 --> 00:37:38,839
he was gonna pick a movie, buy tickets,

826
00:37:38,923 --> 00:37:41,050
and we were gonna walk in immediately.

827
00:37:41,133 --> 00:37:42,468
Didn't matter when the movie started,

828
00:37:42,551 --> 00:37:44,720
that was the beginning
of the movie for us.

829
00:37:44,804 --> 00:37:47,640
We'd walk into the dark theater, sit down,

830
00:37:47,723 --> 00:37:50,977
-watch the last third of a movie...
-[laughter]

831
00:37:51,060 --> 00:37:52,853
the lights would turn on,
people would leave,

832
00:37:52,937 --> 00:37:56,107
we'd just sit there trying to figure out
what the hell we just saw.

833
00:37:57,650 --> 00:38:00,903
We might ask each other like,
"How do you think the movie starts?"

834
00:38:00,987 --> 00:38:02,488
[laughter]

835
00:38:02,571 --> 00:38:05,324
Then a new crowd would come in.
The lights would turn off.

836
00:38:05,408 --> 00:38:07,785
The movie would start.
We'd watch to a certain point.

837
00:38:07,868 --> 00:38:09,996
Then, my dad would just
stand up and leave.

838
00:38:10,079 --> 00:38:11,372
[laughter]

839
00:38:11,455 --> 00:38:13,457
And we'd follow him out.

840
00:38:13,541 --> 00:38:15,960
That's how we saw movies as a family!

841
00:38:16,794 --> 00:38:18,170
And I kinda miss it.

842
00:38:19,297 --> 00:38:23,050
Often, it felt like we were just helping
my dad establish an alibi.

843
00:38:23,134 --> 00:38:25,219
[laughter]

844
00:38:25,303 --> 00:38:29,223
"I couldn't have killed that drifter.
I was at the movies with my kids."

845
00:38:31,767 --> 00:38:34,186
I do wish we could've seen
The Sound of Music

846
00:38:34,270 --> 00:38:36,063
as a family with my father.

847
00:38:36,147 --> 00:38:38,149
You know, just halfway through
The Sound of Music,

848
00:38:38,232 --> 00:38:40,401
my father stands up, starts to leave,

849
00:38:40,484 --> 00:38:42,737
followed by his six blonde children.

850
00:38:42,820 --> 00:38:45,072
[laughter, applause]

851
00:38:45,156 --> 00:38:47,366
Everyone in the theater's like,
"Wow, that family didn't like it

852
00:38:47,450 --> 00:38:50,661
when Captain von Trapp tore up
that Nazi flag at all."

853
00:38:50,745 --> 00:38:52,955
[audience laughing]

854
00:38:53,039 --> 00:38:56,125
That joke was even funnier
when everyone hated Nazis.

855
00:38:57,877 --> 00:39:00,338
-[audience cheering]
-Right?

856
00:39:00,421 --> 00:39:03,424
[applause]

857
00:39:05,634 --> 00:39:07,678
I know I complain a lot about my kids,

858
00:39:07,762 --> 00:39:09,555
but they've ruined my life.

859
00:39:09,638 --> 00:39:10,973
[laughter]

860
00:39:11,057 --> 00:39:13,684
I love them, but they treat me horribly!

861
00:39:14,435 --> 00:39:17,521
And people without kids are always like,
"I'd never let my kids treat me horribly."

862
00:39:17,605 --> 00:39:19,690
-Oh yeah, you would.
-[laughter]

863
00:39:19,774 --> 00:39:22,234
You know what the alternative is? Jail.

864
00:39:22,318 --> 00:39:23,736
[laughter]

865
00:39:23,819 --> 00:39:27,239
So you let them treat you horribly,
and you just think about alcohol.

866
00:39:28,074 --> 00:39:31,077
I was thinking if I told
a therapist how my kids treat me,

867
00:39:31,160 --> 00:39:32,995
but I didn't say they were my children,
if I was like,

868
00:39:33,079 --> 00:39:35,414
"Yeah, I live with these five people.
They eat all my food.

869
00:39:35,498 --> 00:39:38,542
"They spend all my money,
and when I ask them to do anything,

870
00:39:38,626 --> 00:39:41,087
-they just yell at me."
-[laughter]

871
00:39:41,170 --> 00:39:43,297
Any therapist,
any therapist would be like,

872
00:39:43,381 --> 00:39:46,342
-"You should move out.
-[laughter]

873
00:39:46,425 --> 00:39:48,302
You're the victim of abuse."

874
00:39:49,887 --> 00:39:53,182
I love them, and I know
they love me. I mean,

875
00:39:53,265 --> 00:39:56,018
even though when my 18-year-old son
does say, "I love you,"

876
00:39:56,102 --> 00:39:58,270
it does sound like he's auditioning

877
00:39:58,354 --> 00:40:00,648
for an acting part he really doesn't want.

878
00:40:01,524 --> 00:40:02,733
[lethargic voice] "Love you, Dad."

879
00:40:03,442 --> 00:40:05,736
[normal] "Okay, that was a good start.
Let's try it again.

880
00:40:05,820 --> 00:40:06,862
[laughter]

881
00:40:06,946 --> 00:40:09,490
"Uh, this time, I wanna hear
some more affection,

882
00:40:09,573 --> 00:40:11,617
maybe sense a relationship."

883
00:40:12,827 --> 00:40:15,454
-[lethargic] "Love you, Dad."
-[laughter]

884
00:40:15,913 --> 00:40:18,290
[normal] "Alright, well,
we'll let you know. Thanks for coming in."

885
00:40:18,374 --> 00:40:20,209
-[audience laughing]
-Alright...

886
00:40:20,292 --> 00:40:23,295
[applause, cheering]

887
00:40:27,508 --> 00:40:31,387
Parenting is hard,
and it gets progressively harder.

888
00:40:31,470 --> 00:40:33,431
That's what they don't tell you
when you have a baby.

889
00:40:33,514 --> 00:40:34,849
I guess it would be inappropriate.

890
00:40:34,932 --> 00:40:37,435
"Congratulations.
It's gonna get really hard."

891
00:40:37,518 --> 00:40:38,769
[laughter]

892
00:40:38,853 --> 00:40:41,689
So, as a new parent,
you have to figure it out on your own.

893
00:40:41,772 --> 00:40:45,025
And a baby, a newborn, they're so fragile,
they're so dependent.

894
00:40:45,109 --> 00:40:47,403
You help them burp.
The new parent thinks,

895
00:40:47,486 --> 00:40:49,780
"Oh, this must be the hard part.
This is the hard part."

896
00:40:49,864 --> 00:40:52,450
-Not the hard part.
-[laughter]

897
00:40:52,533 --> 00:40:55,286
Then the child becomes a toddler.
It's chaos.

898
00:40:55,369 --> 00:40:56,954
They're screaming in grocery stores.

899
00:40:57,037 --> 00:41:00,249
You're literally stopping them
from accidentally killing themselves.

900
00:41:01,542 --> 00:41:04,503
The parent thinks, "Oh, this is
the hard part. This is the hard part."

901
00:41:04,587 --> 00:41:06,881
-Not the hard part.
-[laughter]

902
00:41:06,964 --> 00:41:09,550
Then, the child becomes a teenager,
and the parents are like,

903
00:41:09,633 --> 00:41:11,719
"Oh, this whole thing was a mistake.

904
00:41:11,802 --> 00:41:15,431
[laughter, applause]

905
00:41:15,514 --> 00:41:17,099
We shouldn't have done this."

906
00:41:17,183 --> 00:41:21,061
-[audience cheering]
-[Jim sighs]

907
00:41:25,191 --> 00:41:29,028
Parenting is the only thing
you can do for 13 years,

908
00:41:29,111 --> 00:41:30,905
13 years, and then suddenly,

909
00:41:30,988 --> 00:41:32,656
you're really bad at it.

910
00:41:32,740 --> 00:41:34,492
[audience laughing]

911
00:41:34,575 --> 00:41:36,619
It's God's cruelest joke

912
00:41:37,286 --> 00:41:39,788
'cause you know
he's sitting up there, just watching.

913
00:41:39,872 --> 00:41:43,209
He's like... [maniacal laughter]

914
00:41:43,292 --> 00:41:46,086
"They think they're pretty good
at the parenting thing, huh?

915
00:41:46,670 --> 00:41:49,048
-"Watch this.
-[laughter]

916
00:41:49,131 --> 00:41:52,009
Cue the hormones!" [maniacal laughter]

917
00:41:53,427 --> 00:41:55,888
This reminds me of when
Jesus was a teenager.

918
00:41:57,097 --> 00:41:58,599
You know, he used to vape.

919
00:41:59,350 --> 00:42:02,353
[applause, laughter]

920
00:42:03,812 --> 00:42:05,564
Anyone here have a teenager?

921
00:42:05,981 --> 00:42:08,150
[applause, cheering]

922
00:42:08,234 --> 00:42:09,568
Ooh...

923
00:42:09,652 --> 00:42:11,862
I love that forced enthusiasm.

924
00:42:11,946 --> 00:42:13,781
[laughter]

925
00:42:15,115 --> 00:42:18,160
The best is when empty nesters
talk about the teenage years

926
00:42:18,244 --> 00:42:21,372
'cause they always sound
like they're describing a hurricane.

927
00:42:22,289 --> 00:42:25,751
"My wife and I thought we were prepared.
We lost everything."

928
00:42:25,834 --> 00:42:28,796
[audience laughing]

929
00:42:30,047 --> 00:42:32,716
That's why hurricanes are
named after teenagers.

930
00:42:34,343 --> 00:42:37,137
Teenagers do make you
realize parenting's a skill,

931
00:42:37,221 --> 00:42:39,223
but it's mostly luck, right?

932
00:42:39,306 --> 00:42:41,892
'Cause there are easy teenagers,
and there are difficult teenagers.

933
00:42:41,976 --> 00:42:43,519
And if you have an easy teenager,

934
00:42:43,602 --> 00:42:45,104
that doesn't mean
you're good at parenting.

935
00:42:45,187 --> 00:42:48,232
It just means God didn't think
you could handle a hard one.

936
00:42:48,315 --> 00:42:50,651
[audience laughing]

937
00:42:50,734 --> 00:42:53,445
Parenting teenagers has
made me a better comedian.

938
00:42:53,529 --> 00:42:56,740
-No, that's-- that's not it.
-[laughter]

939
00:42:56,824 --> 00:42:58,450
A bitter comedian!

940
00:42:58,534 --> 00:43:00,327
[laughter]

941
00:43:00,411 --> 00:43:01,870
I know that sounds negative,

942
00:43:01,954 --> 00:43:05,291
but it is almost sad when
a kid becomes a teenager, right?

943
00:43:05,374 --> 00:43:07,668
'Cause you have this cute 12-year-old,
and then boom,

944
00:43:07,751 --> 00:43:09,295
they become Satan.

945
00:43:09,378 --> 00:43:11,130
[laughter]

946
00:43:11,213 --> 00:43:14,258
You can literally witness
the curiosity and wonder

947
00:43:14,341 --> 00:43:17,469
transform into body odor
and poor judgment.

948
00:43:17,553 --> 00:43:19,346
[laughter]

949
00:43:19,430 --> 00:43:21,765
And then, you, the parent,
you're supposed to learn

950
00:43:21,849 --> 00:43:23,809
how to communicate with them!

951
00:43:24,810 --> 00:43:28,105
My wife emails me articles,
"How to talk to your teenager."

952
00:43:28,188 --> 00:43:29,607
I'm like, "Delete."

953
00:43:29,690 --> 00:43:31,775
[audience laughing]

954
00:43:31,859 --> 00:43:35,279
-[applause, cheering]
-She's always like,

955
00:43:35,362 --> 00:43:37,656
[whiny] "How do you expect to communicate
with our teenagers?"

956
00:43:37,740 --> 00:43:39,491
[normal] I'm gonna try English.

957
00:43:39,575 --> 00:43:41,869
[audience laughing]

958
00:43:41,952 --> 00:43:45,581
They do hear things differently.
Like, if I tell my 14-year-old daughter,

959
00:43:45,664 --> 00:43:47,625
"Hurry up, we're running late," she hears,

960
00:43:47,708 --> 00:43:50,294
-"I'm gonna kill you."
-[laughter]

961
00:43:50,377 --> 00:43:52,880
But then, we talk it through
and come to an agreement

962
00:43:52,963 --> 00:43:56,050
-that I'm a horrible person.
-[laughter]

963
00:43:56,133 --> 00:43:58,177
And then, I go drink alcohol.

964
00:43:59,511 --> 00:44:01,597
Do you ever notice
in commercials for alcohol,

965
00:44:01,680 --> 00:44:04,266
people are always laughing
and having a good time?

966
00:44:05,100 --> 00:44:08,979
I'd just like to see one print ad
that shows some expressionless dad

967
00:44:09,063 --> 00:44:11,190
sitting alone at a kitchen table

968
00:44:11,774 --> 00:44:13,609
with a bottle of booze.

969
00:44:13,692 --> 00:44:16,987
[audience laughing]

970
00:44:17,071 --> 00:44:20,074
[applause, cheering]

971
00:44:24,244 --> 00:44:25,537
The tagline would be like,

972
00:44:25,621 --> 00:44:29,208
"Bourbon, 'cause you're trapped
and suicide's off the table."

973
00:44:29,291 --> 00:44:31,585
[audience laughing]

974
00:44:31,669 --> 00:44:33,128
Is that too negative? That's too negative.

975
00:44:33,212 --> 00:44:34,213
[Jim laughs]

976
00:44:34,630 --> 00:44:36,215
There are teenagers in the audience like,

977
00:44:36,298 --> 00:44:38,008
"Why the hell am I here?

978
00:44:38,092 --> 00:44:40,302
[audience laughing]

979
00:44:40,386 --> 00:44:43,555
I had no idea this guy
was such a colossal dick."

980
00:44:43,639 --> 00:44:45,265
[laughter]

981
00:44:47,017 --> 00:44:49,103
We should acknowledge
being a teenager today

982
00:44:49,186 --> 00:44:50,979
is the hardest it's been in generations.

983
00:44:51,063 --> 00:44:54,608
What these teenagers
have to deal with, it's insane.

984
00:44:54,692 --> 00:44:57,027
-[applause, cheering]
-Right?

985
00:44:57,111 --> 00:44:59,655
Social media, the prevalence of drugs,

986
00:44:59,738 --> 00:45:01,532
pornography's everywhere.
I guess what I'm saying

987
00:45:01,615 --> 00:45:05,160
-is I wish I was a teenager.
-[laughter]

988
00:45:05,244 --> 00:45:07,454
I had to walk a mile and a half
for cigarettes.

989
00:45:09,832 --> 00:45:11,917
I think the greatest irony of teenagers

990
00:45:12,000 --> 00:45:14,712
is that they're embarrassed
of their parents.

991
00:45:14,795 --> 00:45:16,880
It's like, "Oh, you're embarrassed of me?

992
00:45:16,964 --> 00:45:19,633
[audience laughing]

993
00:45:19,717 --> 00:45:21,176
Have you looked in the mirror?"

994
00:45:22,970 --> 00:45:25,764
Each of my teenagers has come up to me
at different points and been like,

995
00:45:25,848 --> 00:45:27,725
"Hey, can you act like you don't know me?"

996
00:45:27,808 --> 00:45:29,309
[laughter]

997
00:45:29,393 --> 00:45:30,936
We can make that permanent.

998
00:45:31,019 --> 00:45:32,771
[applause, laughter]

999
00:45:38,444 --> 00:45:40,821
It's amazing how consistent

1000
00:45:40,904 --> 00:45:44,366
the theme of embarrassment is
throughout parenting, right?

1001
00:45:44,450 --> 00:45:45,659
'Cause when your kids are little,

1002
00:45:45,743 --> 00:45:48,078
they're constantly
embarrassing you, right?

1003
00:45:48,162 --> 00:45:50,622
Some of the things they say
or scream, they're like,

1004
00:45:50,706 --> 00:45:52,583
[whiny] "Why is that guy so fat?

1005
00:45:52,666 --> 00:45:54,376
[laughter]

1006
00:45:55,377 --> 00:45:56,754
"Is that woman a witch?

1007
00:45:56,837 --> 00:45:58,714
[sighs]

1008
00:45:58,797 --> 00:46:00,883
-Jews! Jews!"
-[laughter]

1009
00:46:02,593 --> 00:46:04,094
"It's juice!

1010
00:46:04,178 --> 00:46:06,430
[laughter]

1011
00:46:06,513 --> 00:46:07,598
"Juice!

1012
00:46:08,807 --> 00:46:11,643
-Please say juice."
-[laughing, applause]

1013
00:46:11,727 --> 00:46:13,437
That actually happened to me.

1014
00:46:14,146 --> 00:46:16,523
I was in a Whole Foods in New York City...

1015
00:46:16,607 --> 00:46:17,691
[audience groaning]

1016
00:46:17,775 --> 00:46:21,528
...and my two blonde children
were screaming for Jews.

1017
00:46:21,612 --> 00:46:23,113
[laughter]

1018
00:46:23,197 --> 00:46:26,325
They were demanding Jews in a way
that would lead you to believe

1019
00:46:26,408 --> 00:46:28,702
they've been delivered Jews before.

1020
00:46:28,786 --> 00:46:30,245
[laughter]

1021
00:46:30,329 --> 00:46:32,706
"Jews, Jews." "Juice! Juice!

1022
00:46:33,373 --> 00:46:36,710
-"For the love of Jesus, please say juice.
-[laughter]

1023
00:46:36,794 --> 00:46:38,754
[nervous laugh] "They love juice.

1024
00:46:39,838 --> 00:46:43,217
-"Not Jews. I mean, they love Jews, too!
-[laughter]

1025
00:46:43,300 --> 00:46:46,470
"They get that from me.
I'm a Jew lover. [nervous laugh]

1026
00:46:46,553 --> 00:46:48,847
-Love me some Jews."
-[applause]

1027
00:46:51,308 --> 00:46:53,101
Your kids consistently embarrass you.

1028
00:46:53,185 --> 00:46:55,938
And then one day, out of nowhere,

1029
00:46:56,021 --> 00:46:59,399
you're the biggest source
of humiliation in their life!

1030
00:46:59,483 --> 00:47:00,484
[laughter]

1031
00:47:00,567 --> 00:47:03,570
They don't tell you when that happens,
and there are strict rules

1032
00:47:03,654 --> 00:47:06,490
that you only learn about
when you break them.

1033
00:47:06,573 --> 00:47:07,783
[laughter]

1034
00:47:07,866 --> 00:47:10,244
I was at dinner recently,
and my 14-year-old daughter was like,

1035
00:47:10,327 --> 00:47:13,080
[whiny] "And then,
Dad walked into the high school."

1036
00:47:13,163 --> 00:47:15,791
[audience laughing]

1037
00:47:18,043 --> 00:47:20,671
[normal] My wife was like, "Honey,
you didn't go into the school, did you?"

1038
00:47:20,754 --> 00:47:22,798
[laughter]

1039
00:47:23,674 --> 00:47:26,468
"But, but... i-it was cold out.

1040
00:47:28,971 --> 00:47:32,015
-Wh-What planet are we on?"
-[audience laughing]

1041
00:47:34,560 --> 00:47:35,853
We have three teenagers

1042
00:47:35,936 --> 00:47:38,981
plus a 12-year-old plus an 11-year-old.

1043
00:47:39,064 --> 00:47:41,817
-Forecast, not great.
-[laughter]

1044
00:47:41,900 --> 00:47:43,527
Definitely hurricane season.

1045
00:47:44,236 --> 00:47:46,613
And I freely admit my wife
has it harder, much harder,

1046
00:47:46,697 --> 00:47:48,699
but this whole thing is kind of her fault.

1047
00:47:49,700 --> 00:47:51,743
These children didn't come outta my body.

1048
00:47:52,911 --> 00:47:55,873
-In a way, they're not even my kids.
-[laughter]

1049
00:47:55,956 --> 00:47:58,000
Now, I don't wanna sound like
a conspiracy theorist,

1050
00:47:58,083 --> 00:48:01,044
but that whole sperm
fertilizing the egg thing?

1051
00:48:01,128 --> 00:48:02,880
I've never seen that in person.

1052
00:48:02,963 --> 00:48:04,590
[laughter]

1053
00:48:04,673 --> 00:48:06,508
I've seen a simulation of it.

1054
00:48:07,009 --> 00:48:09,845
You know, how you might
stage a landing on the moon?

1055
00:48:09,928 --> 00:48:11,179
[laughter]

1056
00:48:13,056 --> 00:48:15,642
Men should be suspicious.

1057
00:48:15,726 --> 00:48:18,353
Women discover
they're gonna become a parent.

1058
00:48:18,437 --> 00:48:20,981
-Men are told.
-[laughter]

1059
00:48:21,064 --> 00:48:23,775
Men find out they're gonna be a father
the same way they learn

1060
00:48:23,859 --> 00:48:26,278
-they have a terminal illness.
-[laughter]

1061
00:48:26,361 --> 00:48:28,780
Someone comes up and goes,
"You should sit down."

1062
00:48:31,033 --> 00:48:34,161
And men have a similar response.
[hoarse voice] "How much time do I got?"

1063
00:48:34,244 --> 00:48:36,288
[applause, laughter]

1064
00:48:38,582 --> 00:48:39,833
Of course, with paternity tests,

1065
00:48:39,917 --> 00:48:42,377
now we can scientifically
prove who the father is,

1066
00:48:42,461 --> 00:48:44,755
but for most of human existence,

1067
00:48:45,213 --> 00:48:47,382
the guy just had to
believe what he was told.

1068
00:48:47,466 --> 00:48:49,593
[high voice]
"I'm pregnant. You're the father."

1069
00:48:50,218 --> 00:48:52,512
[normal]
"I haven't been home for two years."

1070
00:48:52,596 --> 00:48:54,389
[laughter]

1071
00:48:54,473 --> 00:48:56,391
[high voice] "It's a miracle."

1072
00:48:58,894 --> 00:49:00,854
[normal] Occasionally,
you'll hear about a paternity test.

1073
00:49:00,938 --> 00:49:03,732
You never hear about
a maternity test though.

1074
00:49:05,943 --> 00:49:08,528
[audience laughing]

1075
00:49:08,612 --> 00:49:10,948
How do we really know who the mother is?

1076
00:49:12,950 --> 00:49:14,785
"Uh, the child came out of my body."

1077
00:49:14,868 --> 00:49:17,537
Well then, you shouldn't
be afraid to take a test.

1078
00:49:17,621 --> 00:49:19,831
[laughter]

1079
00:49:20,582 --> 00:49:22,960
Okay, Jim,
that's the dumbest joke of the night.

1080
00:49:24,127 --> 00:49:25,545
That one? [scoffs]

1081
00:49:26,838 --> 00:49:30,509
Obviously, paternity tests exist
because some men are garbage.

1082
00:49:30,592 --> 00:49:31,927
And I tell you, as the father of five,

1083
00:49:32,010 --> 00:49:34,054
when I hear about these men
that abandon their children,

1084
00:49:34,137 --> 00:49:36,098
I am so filled with jealousy.

1085
00:49:36,181 --> 00:49:38,225
[laughter]

1086
00:49:38,308 --> 00:49:41,186
There's no excuse.
[laughs] There's no excuse.

1087
00:49:41,269 --> 00:49:44,272
But, nothing prepares
a man for parenthood.

1088
00:49:44,356 --> 00:49:46,858
Like, a woman goes through
a whole physiological change.

1089
00:49:46,942 --> 00:49:49,778
Not only growing the baby,
but there's morning sickness,

1090
00:49:49,861 --> 00:49:52,197
a nesting instinct takes over.

1091
00:49:52,280 --> 00:49:55,450
For a guy during the entire pregnancy,
they feel the same,

1092
00:49:55,534 --> 00:49:57,494
-worthless.
-[laughter]

1093
00:49:57,577 --> 00:50:00,330
Which, in a way,
prepares them for fatherhood.

1094
00:50:01,665 --> 00:50:02,666
Right?

1095
00:50:02,749 --> 00:50:05,127
I think fathers are
generally under-appreciated.

1096
00:50:05,210 --> 00:50:07,087
Who would agree with me, right?

1097
00:50:07,170 --> 00:50:10,757
-[men clap, cheer]
-Listen to these divorced dads! Right?

1098
00:50:12,676 --> 00:50:16,263
Obviously, the mom is
the hero of the story, right?

1099
00:50:16,346 --> 00:50:18,849
[women clap, cheer]

1100
00:50:18,932 --> 00:50:22,185
When someone becomes famous,
they buy their mom a house.

1101
00:50:22,269 --> 00:50:24,771
They don't even invite
the dad to live there.

1102
00:50:24,855 --> 00:50:26,648
[laughter]

1103
00:50:26,732 --> 00:50:29,443
Often, it's easier to understand
a mother's contribution.

1104
00:50:29,526 --> 00:50:32,863
I see it in my family.
My children see, on a daily basis,

1105
00:50:32,946 --> 00:50:34,406
what my wife does for them.

1106
00:50:34,489 --> 00:50:36,324
Yet, when I travel the country,

1107
00:50:36,408 --> 00:50:38,785
eating steak
and complaining about my kids...

1108
00:50:38,869 --> 00:50:40,996
[laughter]

1109
00:50:41,079 --> 00:50:43,415
...do I get credit? I sure don't.

1110
00:50:47,169 --> 00:50:51,131
Being a dad is like being
a backup quarterback in the NFL.

1111
00:50:52,215 --> 00:50:54,634
You're on the team,
but you're not the star.

1112
00:50:55,510 --> 00:50:58,346
And on those rare occasions
you're brought into the game,

1113
00:50:58,430 --> 00:51:01,933
-people are nervous, you know?
-[laughter]

1114
00:51:03,060 --> 00:51:05,604
[applause]

1115
00:51:05,687 --> 00:51:08,732
-Oh, thank you.
-[cheering]

1116
00:51:11,943 --> 00:51:15,572
It's amazing how the status of father
has changed in our society.

1117
00:51:15,655 --> 00:51:18,366
You know, in the 1950s,
there was a television show

1118
00:51:18,450 --> 00:51:20,619
called Father Knows Best.

1119
00:51:20,702 --> 00:51:21,703
Father Knows Best.

1120
00:51:21,787 --> 00:51:23,955
And they-- and they weren't being ironic.
They weren't like,

1121
00:51:24,039 --> 00:51:27,084
[condescending] "Wouldn't it be hysterical
if a dad knew anything?"

1122
00:51:27,167 --> 00:51:28,752
[laughter]

1123
00:51:28,835 --> 00:51:30,545
[normal]
They were sincere 'cause at that time,

1124
00:51:30,629 --> 00:51:32,172
the prevailing belief

1125
00:51:32,255 --> 00:51:34,925
was that a father did know best.

1126
00:51:35,008 --> 00:51:37,427
Not only would they never
do that show today,

1127
00:51:38,053 --> 00:51:40,931
if you gave someone the prompt,
"Father knows,"

1128
00:51:41,014 --> 00:51:44,601
-no one would say, "best."
-[laughter]

1129
00:51:44,684 --> 00:51:46,144
If you're like, "Father knows..."

1130
00:51:46,228 --> 00:51:49,231
"Uh, how to make an old fashioned?
I don't know."

1131
00:51:49,314 --> 00:51:51,024
[laughter]

1132
00:51:51,108 --> 00:51:54,444
Even if you went up to a dad,
you're like, "Father knows..."

1133
00:51:54,528 --> 00:51:57,531
"Uh, when to say--
I d-- I don't know, ask my wife.

1134
00:51:58,532 --> 00:52:01,576
"What the hell do you want me to say?
I'm not yelling! You're yelling!

1135
00:52:01,660 --> 00:52:03,620
[laughter]

1136
00:52:03,703 --> 00:52:05,956
You want an old fashioned?
Alright, I'll make you an old fashioned."

1137
00:52:06,039 --> 00:52:07,749
[grunting]

1138
00:52:08,875 --> 00:52:10,418
I'm lucky. My wife,

1139
00:52:10,502 --> 00:52:12,838
my starting quarterback, is amazing.

1140
00:52:12,921 --> 00:52:16,883
Uh, we've been married for 20 years.
Can you believe that? Twenty years.

1141
00:52:16,967 --> 00:52:19,511
[applause, cheering]

1142
00:52:19,594 --> 00:52:20,595
Twenty years.

1143
00:52:20,679 --> 00:52:23,390
And, uh, we have a great marriage,
from what you know.

1144
00:52:23,473 --> 00:52:24,724
[laughter]

1145
00:52:24,808 --> 00:52:28,228
'Cause you never really know what's going
on in someone else's marriage, right?

1146
00:52:28,311 --> 00:52:29,312
You might think you do, but you--

1147
00:52:29,396 --> 00:52:31,523
when you hear about a divorce,
you're always surprised.

1148
00:52:31,606 --> 00:52:35,318
Sometimes, you realize
it was all an act, right?

1149
00:52:35,402 --> 00:52:37,237
Like, there, there should be awards.

1150
00:52:37,320 --> 00:52:41,283
"The nominees for best performance
in an unhappy marriage are..."

1151
00:52:41,366 --> 00:52:43,034
[laughter]

1152
00:52:43,118 --> 00:52:45,203
"Oh, she was good. She was very good.

1153
00:52:46,371 --> 00:52:48,456
I had no idea she despised him."

1154
00:52:50,542 --> 00:52:52,169
No, my wife is amazing,

1155
00:52:52,252 --> 00:52:54,880
-or her performance is amazing.
-[laughter]

1156
00:52:54,963 --> 00:52:56,673
No, my wife-- And she does everything.

1157
00:52:56,756 --> 00:52:58,508
And she's done that
since the start of our marriage.

1158
00:52:58,592 --> 00:53:00,719
She planned our whole wedding.
She's very Catholic,

1159
00:53:00,802 --> 00:53:04,472
so she picked out every reading
in, in the whole service.

1160
00:53:04,556 --> 00:53:08,059
And I remember watching
my brother-in-law read 1 Corinthians.

1161
00:53:08,143 --> 00:53:10,270
If you don't know, that's the,
[whiny] "Love is patient.

1162
00:53:10,353 --> 00:53:13,565
Love is kind. Love is... [gibberish]."

1163
00:53:13,648 --> 00:53:16,318
-[normal] That's how it sounded to me.
-[audience laughing]

1164
00:53:17,944 --> 00:53:20,864
But, I remember it so vividly
because it ends with,

1165
00:53:20,947 --> 00:53:23,158
"Love doesn't keep a record."

1166
00:53:23,658 --> 00:53:25,911
And I tell you,
after 20 years of marriage,

1167
00:53:26,411 --> 00:53:28,079
my wife has done one thing.

1168
00:53:28,163 --> 00:53:31,208
-Keep a record...
-[laughter, applause]

1169
00:53:31,291 --> 00:53:34,294
of every mistake I've ever made.

1170
00:53:35,086 --> 00:53:38,256
She has receipts going
back to our first date.

1171
00:53:38,924 --> 00:53:41,301
She brings up stuff before we even met.

1172
00:53:42,177 --> 00:53:45,347
[nasal] "I remember seeing you in
the neighborhood. You looked so arrogant."

1173
00:53:45,430 --> 00:53:47,432
[laughter]

1174
00:53:47,515 --> 00:53:48,808
[normal] She remembers everything!

1175
00:53:48,892 --> 00:53:51,144
I can't tell you what happened
a half hour ago.

1176
00:53:51,978 --> 00:53:53,939
It's not fair. [laughs]

1177
00:53:54,022 --> 00:53:57,525
I'll be like, "Hey, I thought we agreed."
"What did I say exactly?"

1178
00:53:57,609 --> 00:54:01,071
[audience laughing]

1179
00:54:01,154 --> 00:54:02,197
"You win."

1180
00:54:04,282 --> 00:54:06,660
Her memory is so good.
I'm convinced she heard

1181
00:54:06,743 --> 00:54:08,703
a different 1 Corinthians.

1182
00:54:09,204 --> 00:54:12,082
"Love does keep a record.
Love is slightly annoyed.

1183
00:54:12,165 --> 00:54:14,960
"Love doesn't appreciate you coming back
from being out of town [inhales]

1184
00:54:15,043 --> 00:54:18,797
and second-guessing decisions I've made.
It undermines me. Amen."

1185
00:54:18,880 --> 00:54:21,258
[laughter]

1186
00:54:21,341 --> 00:54:24,344
[applause, cheering]

1187
00:54:26,846 --> 00:54:29,182
She's pretty amazing.
I have no complaints.

1188
00:54:29,266 --> 00:54:31,935
-Well, if there was one complaint...
-[laughter]

1189
00:54:32,018 --> 00:54:34,104
Not a complaint, an observation.

1190
00:54:34,938 --> 00:54:37,023
My wife's not a fan of our dog.

1191
00:54:37,107 --> 00:54:39,985
Well, she's indifferent to our dog.
But, you know, to a dog lover,

1192
00:54:40,068 --> 00:54:42,904
people that are indifferent to dogs
seem like sociopaths.

1193
00:54:42,988 --> 00:54:44,155
[laughing, applause]

1194
00:54:44,239 --> 00:54:47,534
It's like, "You don't love dogs?
Who hurt you?"

1195
00:54:48,493 --> 00:54:52,080
There's no excuse to not love dogs!

1196
00:54:52,163 --> 00:54:54,374
I mean, my wife's allergic.
That's one excuse.

1197
00:54:54,457 --> 00:54:55,458
[laughter]

1198
00:54:55,542 --> 00:54:59,212
But our dog is so sweet
and will not leave my wife alone.

1199
00:55:00,130 --> 00:55:03,174
Whenever my wife enters the room,
the dog climbs all over her, sneezing.

1200
00:55:03,258 --> 00:55:05,719
And as my wife pushes the dog away,

1201
00:55:05,802 --> 00:55:09,639
so that she can breathe,
there's always part of me that thinks,

1202
00:55:09,723 --> 00:55:11,641
"Hey, don't be mean to my dog."

1203
00:55:11,725 --> 00:55:14,102
[laughter]

1204
00:55:14,185 --> 00:55:16,187
Now, you may be wondering,
"If your wife's allergic,

1205
00:55:16,271 --> 00:55:17,856
"why do you even have a dog?

1206
00:55:17,939 --> 00:55:20,400
Did you get the dog,
and then discover your wife's allergic?"

1207
00:55:20,483 --> 00:55:23,069
-No.
-[laughter]

1208
00:55:23,153 --> 00:55:25,238
I've known my wife's
allergic for 20 years,

1209
00:55:25,322 --> 00:55:27,324
and I never expected us to get a dog.

1210
00:55:27,407 --> 00:55:30,493
I never did. I mean, we live in
an apartment in New York City.

1211
00:55:30,577 --> 00:55:32,370
We have five children.
I travel constantly.

1212
00:55:32,454 --> 00:55:33,955
We're not getting a dog.

1213
00:55:34,039 --> 00:55:36,041
But then, the pandemic happened,

1214
00:55:36,750 --> 00:55:39,502
and all the reasons to not get a dog
seemed to disappear.

1215
00:55:39,586 --> 00:55:42,422
We rented a house in the suburbs
with a big yard.

1216
00:55:42,505 --> 00:55:44,007
I stopped traveling.

1217
00:55:44,090 --> 00:55:46,551
My wife's allergies didn't change.

1218
00:55:46,634 --> 00:55:49,220
[audience laughing]

1219
00:55:49,304 --> 00:55:51,556
Mainly, my kids started begging for a dog.

1220
00:55:51,639 --> 00:55:54,559
"Can we get a dog? Can we get a dog?"
It was like on a daily basis.

1221
00:55:54,642 --> 00:55:56,686
So, I told my wife, I'm like,
"Let me handle this."

1222
00:55:56,770 --> 00:55:59,397
So, I called a family meeting,
and I stood next to my wife,

1223
00:55:59,481 --> 00:56:01,107
and I said, "Once and for all,

1224
00:56:01,191 --> 00:56:03,318
"your mother is allergic to dogs.

1225
00:56:03,401 --> 00:56:06,112
When she's around dogs,
she feels physically ill."

1226
00:56:06,196 --> 00:56:08,198
And my youngest, he's so sweet.
He was like,

1227
00:56:08,281 --> 00:56:10,784
[high voice] "Can't Mom just get
a shot in her stomach?"

1228
00:56:10,867 --> 00:56:12,786
[laughter]

1229
00:56:12,869 --> 00:56:14,454
He reminds me of myself.

1230
00:56:16,164 --> 00:56:17,540
So, I turned to my wife, and I was like,

1231
00:56:17,624 --> 00:56:19,542
"Can't you just get
a shot in your stomach?"

1232
00:56:20,460 --> 00:56:22,295
She was like, "What the hell
are you doing?" I was like,

1233
00:56:22,379 --> 00:56:24,631
"I don't know why you're mad at me.
He's the one who asked."

1234
00:56:24,714 --> 00:56:26,883
-[audience laughing]
-[Jim laughs]

1235
00:56:26,966 --> 00:56:28,218
She didn't think it was funny.

1236
00:56:29,427 --> 00:56:31,346
And I could see that
we weren't getting anywhere,

1237
00:56:31,429 --> 00:56:33,139
so I proposed a compromise.

1238
00:56:33,223 --> 00:56:35,975
I was like, "What if we fostered a dog?

1239
00:56:36,059 --> 00:56:40,897
"The dog would only live with us
until a permanent home was found, or...

1240
00:56:40,980 --> 00:56:44,275
-my wife died."
-[audience laughing]

1241
00:56:44,359 --> 00:56:48,530
She really didn't think that was funny
and left the room.

1242
00:56:48,613 --> 00:56:50,573
But, the next day,
outta nowhere, she was like,

1243
00:56:50,657 --> 00:56:53,701
"Alright, fine, we can foster a dog,
but we're not keeping it."

1244
00:56:53,785 --> 00:56:54,869
And I was like, "We're not keeping it."

1245
00:56:54,953 --> 00:56:57,205
So I went and I got this dog,
and I brought it home.

1246
00:56:57,288 --> 00:56:58,998
And the most incredible thing happened.

1247
00:56:59,082 --> 00:57:01,167
Not only did my children
fall in love with this dog,

1248
00:57:01,251 --> 00:57:03,420
but slowly, over time,

1249
00:57:03,503 --> 00:57:05,630
and being occasionally exposed to the dog,

1250
00:57:05,713 --> 00:57:07,465
my wife's allergies...

1251
00:57:07,549 --> 00:57:10,552
-didn't change.
-[audience laughing]

1252
00:57:12,554 --> 00:57:15,598
But, she witnessed how much
my children loved the dog.

1253
00:57:15,682 --> 00:57:18,184
So, she decided we could keep the dog.

1254
00:57:18,268 --> 00:57:21,229
She made that sacrifice for my family,
and it made me realize

1255
00:57:21,312 --> 00:57:22,939
I don't get enough credit.

1256
00:57:23,022 --> 00:57:26,109
[audience laughing]

1257
00:57:26,192 --> 00:57:29,779
I don't bring this up a lot,
but I think I'm allergic to children.

1258
00:57:29,863 --> 00:57:31,656
[laughter]

1259
00:57:32,323 --> 00:57:35,702
And we got five of those.
You know, we only got one dog,

1260
00:57:35,785 --> 00:57:38,163
and it's not a competition, but I win.

1261
00:57:38,246 --> 00:57:40,790
[laughter]

1262
00:57:40,874 --> 00:57:44,335
After we had the dog for like a month,
my wife was feeling sluggish.

1263
00:57:44,419 --> 00:57:46,171
We thought she had COVID.
She kept testing negative.

1264
00:57:46,254 --> 00:57:48,715
So, she, she went to the doctor,
and they took a blood test,

1265
00:57:48,798 --> 00:57:51,384
and they discovered she had
contracted Lyme disease.

1266
00:57:51,468 --> 00:57:52,469
[audience gasps]

1267
00:57:52,552 --> 00:57:54,387
Which is something you get from a tick,

1268
00:57:54,471 --> 00:57:57,265
which is something that dogs foster.

1269
00:57:57,348 --> 00:57:58,475
[laughter]

1270
00:57:58,558 --> 00:58:00,226
She told me this over the phone,
and I was like,

1271
00:58:00,310 --> 00:58:02,312
-"Oh, she's gonna kill me.
-[laughter]

1272
00:58:02,395 --> 00:58:05,231
She is. She's gonna kill me,
and she has every right to kill me."

1273
00:58:05,315 --> 00:58:07,859
And I just braced myself
as she drove home.

1274
00:58:07,942 --> 00:58:08,943
But, when she got in the house,

1275
00:58:09,027 --> 00:58:11,029
she very calmly walked up to me,
and she goes,

1276
00:58:11,112 --> 00:58:13,948
"Well I have Lyme disease
because of that dog.

1277
00:58:14,032 --> 00:58:15,492
What do you have to say for yourself?"

1278
00:58:15,575 --> 00:58:17,744
And I said the only thing
I could say, I was like,

1279
00:58:17,827 --> 00:58:19,787
"Well, you're the one who wanted the dog."

1280
00:58:19,871 --> 00:58:22,415
[audience laughing]

1281
00:58:22,499 --> 00:58:24,000
[applause]

1282
00:58:24,083 --> 00:58:25,168
And she said...

1283
00:58:26,419 --> 00:58:29,589
She said, "Don't gaslight me."
And I was like,

1284
00:58:29,672 --> 00:58:32,800
-"I've never heard that term before."
-[laughter]

1285
00:58:32,884 --> 00:58:34,552
She was like,
"You've never heard of gaslighting?"

1286
00:58:34,636 --> 00:58:37,180
And I was like,
"I don't think anyone on this planet

1287
00:58:38,348 --> 00:58:41,518
has heard of gaslighting.
You might be going crazy."

1288
00:58:41,601 --> 00:58:44,687
[audience laughing]

1289
00:58:44,771 --> 00:58:47,565
Now, I'm sensing some tension
in the room. [laughs]

1290
00:58:48,316 --> 00:58:49,692
What you have to understand

1291
00:58:49,776 --> 00:58:52,362
is that the Lyme disease is gone.
She's fine.

1292
00:58:52,445 --> 00:58:55,657
And by the way, also, my wife is
the strongest person I've ever met.

1293
00:58:55,740 --> 00:58:59,035
Those five children,
she gave birth to each of those children

1294
00:58:59,118 --> 00:59:01,246
in our apartment. No drugs.

1295
00:59:01,329 --> 00:59:03,248
She had Lyme disease.
It's gone. She's fine.

1296
00:59:03,331 --> 00:59:06,751
Before that, she had a brain tumor.
It's gone. She's fine.

1297
00:59:06,834 --> 00:59:08,169
And I asked her at one point, I go,

1298
00:59:08,253 --> 00:59:10,421
"What's been the biggest challenge
you've encountered?"

1299
00:59:10,505 --> 00:59:12,674
And she said, "Being married to you."

1300
00:59:12,757 --> 00:59:15,760
[laughter, applause]

1301
00:59:15,843 --> 00:59:18,805
[cheering]

1302
00:59:22,850 --> 00:59:24,519
And I have to tell you,

1303
00:59:24,602 --> 00:59:27,272
-I take pride in that.
-[laughter]

1304
00:59:27,355 --> 00:59:30,108
Alright, you guys have been a delight.
Thank you very much.

1305
00:59:30,733 --> 00:59:34,279
[applause, cheering]

1306
00:59:43,913 --> 00:59:46,207
♪ My friends all call me Casper ♪

1307
00:59:46,291 --> 00:59:49,002
♪ 'Cause I ghost them all the time ♪

1308
00:59:49,586 --> 00:59:52,088
♪ My skin's like alabaster ♪

1309
00:59:52,171 --> 00:59:55,341
♪ 'Cause the sun don't ever shine on me ♪

1310
00:59:56,092 --> 00:59:58,511
♪ Wanna be, I wanna be lonely ♪

1311
00:59:58,595 --> 01:00:00,680
♪ Wanna be, I wanna be, yeah ♪

1312
01:00:00,763 --> 01:00:03,141
♪ My friends all call me Casper ♪

1313
01:00:03,224 --> 01:00:06,352
♪ 'Cause they know I'm dead inside ♪

1314
01:00:06,436 --> 01:00:09,230
♪ Yeah, I've got a few screws loose ♪

1315
01:00:09,314 --> 01:00:12,984
♪ Out here makin' lemonade
when everyone is sippin' orange juice ♪

1316
01:00:13,067 --> 01:00:14,569
-♪ I've never played my cards right ♪
-♪ No ♪

1317
01:00:14,652 --> 01:00:16,154
-♪ Yeah, I laid them on the table ♪
-♪ Freeze ♪

1318
01:00:16,237 --> 01:00:18,740
♪ Kept the aces up my sleeve ♪

1319
01:00:18,823 --> 01:00:21,367
♪ Tell you that you're wrong
when you're really right, really right ♪

1320
01:00:21,451 --> 01:00:23,995
♪ You could start a fire
from this gaslight ♪

1321
01:00:24,621 --> 01:00:27,707
♪ Holding on to lovers like a parasite,
catch you in my headlights ♪

1322
01:00:27,790 --> 01:00:29,292
♪ Oops, it's a drive by ♪

1323
01:00:30,168 --> 01:00:32,754
♪ I don't know which way to go ♪

1324
01:00:32,837 --> 01:00:35,298
♪ So, I don't go anywhere ♪

1325
01:00:35,381 --> 01:00:38,426
♪ I kinda like my messed up life ♪

1326
01:00:38,509 --> 01:00:40,303
♪ So, why should I really care? ♪

1327
01:00:40,386 --> 01:00:41,387
♪ My friends all call me Casper... ♪

1328
01:00:41,471 --> 01:00:42,764
[♪ song fades out]

1329
01:00:43,348 --> 01:00:44,474
[child] That's Mom and Dad.