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Ah, there's the theatre.
How you doing?
"Is it a tractor?" "Yeah."
I think it's in here. Yeah.
Go on. I'll park in here. It'll be fine.
There we go. I made it!
Thank you.
Cheers. Hi. You all right?
Lovely. Yeah, just in there. Thank you.
- Kaleb? - Come in.
- We are ready for you on stage. - Oh, okay.
Um, can I bring my friend?
No! It's a one-man show. You can't bring your friends.
Good evening, Cheltenham!
Please give a huge agricultural welcome
to the farmer on tour,
all the way from Chipping Norton,
it's Kaleb Cooper!
Good evening, Cheltenham!
Now, unfortunately, they wouldn't let me bring a real tractor on stage.
So, I brought this instead.
Now, it's a whopping three horsepower and it's all made of plastic.
And you know what? It couldn't pull the skin off a good rice pudding.
But it is still better than that famous Lamborghini tractor, we all know.
I fucking hate that tractor!
This tractor even drives itself.
That's gonna take me out of a job one day. I can sense it.
Now, I get asked all the time, "Kaleb, why are you going on tour?"
And it's for one reason, and one reason alone,
is it simply put farming centre stage.
Simply put farming centre stage.
Not good at this thing.
I'm also asked, "Kaleb, are you not quite busy to be going on tour?"
And actually, come to think of it, yeah, I've got two kids now.
I've got a contracting business at home.
And we're also filming a series four of Clarkson's Farm.
Now, some would say,
I have a small obsession with tractors.
Only small... No, it's massive! I fucking love tractors.
I love them. I do everything in my tractor.
For example, I take my nan shopping on the weekend.
- Don't I, Nan? - Yes, dear.
I even take my kid to school, even though I'm not allowed to say that.
I don't do that, 'cause it's not legal.
Fuck, um...
I go down to the local pub and I have a few drinks...
And I can't say that either. Fuck!
Basically, I use my tractor for everything, okay?
Now, recently, they've changed the law
in terms of what fuel you can use in your tractor.
For example, if I take my Nan shopping on the weekend,
I have to use white diesel.
But if I go ploughing through the week,
I can use red diesel.
It's basically a tax benefit for farmers to save a little bit of money.
Now, I wanna go back a little bit.
Can everyone remember the first series of Clarkson's Farm
when I took the wasabi to London?
- Does everyone remember that? - Yes!
- Did everyone enjoy that episode? - Yes!
I'm glad you did. I had three days of counselling to sort me out after that.
Now, can everyone remember what truck I was driving?
- 0200. - 0200, yeah.
Now, I've still got that truck. But can anyone guess, um...
what fuel I was running my truck on?
White diesel, of course, 'cause that is the law. Okay?
I think my obsession with tractors started at a young age.
In fact, I bought my first-ever tractor at just age 15.
And now, I've got all these.
Fendt. New Holland.
Case.
John Deere.
And the tractor that started my business when I was just 16,
the mighty Lambo.
1998.
It's done me well.
Right. I'm gonna take you all for a ride.
Come with me.
Shit. Forgot the key.
That went well, didn't it?
I would literally forget my head if it wasn't screwed on.
And I think I speak for every farmer out there when I say,
every farmer's got that hiding place on the farm
where they hide all their keys.
Am I right?
Security is high on a farm, honestly.
And in fact, come to think of it,
every car has its own key
and you start that one car, and that's it.
But weirdly, you can go on the internet
and just buy any of these keys there,
and then, just start any of my tractors.
Security is high on a farm, trust me, all right?
So, this is a New Holland T7.210.
And, yeah, it's quite technical. It's got GPS on the roof.
Shocked it's actually still there, not been nicked yet,
because that's a proper problem in agriculture these days.
Got some sheep coming to the right of us.
Don't look 'em in the eyes. Don't look 'em in the eyes.
Here they are. They're grazing some cover crops by the looks of it.
If you look sheep in the eyes, it's just bad news.
They're probably gonna get stuck in a fence and die.
So, therefore, we won't look them in the eyes as we go past them.
Bit bumpy in here. Hope you're all sat...
sat nice and firm in your seats.
Yeah, they're looking me in the eye.
I hate sheep.
Look at them.
Fucking things.
Let's get past them quickly, shall we?
Look at it.
It wants to fight ya. I know it does.
I can sense it.
But you know what? There's no place I would rather be
than in the tractor.
It's my happy place!
Let's get this back in the shed and get back to the stage.
Now, that obsession with tractors started at a very young age.
I remember being age ten
and helping my dad on the building site.
And as I walked down... I used to be a go-for.
Does anyone know what go-for means?
"Go and get this. Go and get that." Yeah?
Been there, done that bit.
And he used to go, "Kaleb, go and get me a hammer."
So as I trotted down to the van,
we was working in a place called Hook Norton,
I remember getting to the van, and I see this tractor in the field behind
just going up and down,
up and down, all day long.
I was fascinated by tractor wheels just going around and around and...
And when they go through mud...
I mean...
You see what I mean, though? Like, it's just fascinating, right?
Now my farming career started at a very young age.
I was age 12 when I got into farming.
And at age 12, my mum and dad went through a really tricky divorce.
And I always said this to myself,
I firmly believe farming saved me as a person,
because at age 12, as my mum and dad were going through this divorce,
my mum and myself went this way,
and my brother and my dad went this way.
Therefore, it split the family in half.
And at the time, my mum just recently set up a mobile dog grooming business
where she would turn up at someone's house,
plug into their electric and groom their dog.
Great idea. Good idea, Mum.
But financials was very slow coming in,
'cause as you'd just started this business, business was very slow.
And I thought to myself, "You know what, Mum?
"I wanna be a farmer when I'm older."
And therefore, I got my first-ever job on the farm at age 12.
Now, I was working on a dairy farm, milking 120 Brown Swiss cows
with two robots, and rearing all the followers. Great fun.
Now, at age 13, my life changed a little bit more.
Because for my 13th birthday,
my mum didn't buy me an Xbox, a PlayStation, a TV.
In fact, my mum bought me three chickens.
Three chickens.
And I thought to myself at age 13, "I know. I've got an idea here.
"I can set my own company up."
So, therefore, age 13,
I started my own company.
It was called Kaleb Cooper's Happy Hen Egg Company.
A mouthful, I know, right?
Seemed a good idea at the time.
Now, business was going so good,
within two months of my 13th birthday,
I had 450 chickens.
It got busy quite quickly.
Now, I was selling the eggs locally around Chipping Norton.
I realised who my egg customer base was.
It was the older generation.
'Cause I was walking around Chipping Norton with my egg basket.
I was knocking on people's doors, asking if they want to buy a dozen eggs.
It was the older generation buying the eggs.
What I realised very early on is that,
every time I knocked on their door and said, "Would you buy a dozen eggs,"
they said, "Yes, please. Would you like to have a cup of tea?"
I go, "Well... I've got 13 dozen eggs to deliver.
"I've gotta be back at work at 4:00.
"Oh, yeah, I'll have a cup of tea."
'Cause I knew, if I had a cup of tea with these people,
I could sell them another dozen eggs.
I was really good at selling eggs.
Really good. Scary, actually. Come to think of it now,
every time I look at tea and biscuits, it makes me a bit sick.
I drank a lot of tea and ate a lot of biscuits.
But you know what? It sold a lot of eggs.
I hate this picture.
I hate it.
Because my head is not that shape!
But the perm looks fucking amazing, doesn't it?
You don't agree?
Now, at age 14, I thought, how can I keep improving my business?
I've got these 450 chickens.
I'm making good money.
And I thought, "I got an idea."
Now, I don't know why I thought this, but I did.
I bought three sheep.
Three Hebridean sheep.
Them little fuckers right there.
Now, the reason I did this was because I thought to myself,
"I know! If I buy these sheep, as I'm walking around with my egg basket,
"I can also take a shoulder of lamb and some lamb chops."
And it worked really well. I sold a lot of lamb.
But dealing with the sheep...
Fucking things, honestly.
Now, at age 15, I thought to myself, "You know what?
"I've got two businesses running really well.
"But how can I improve it again?" I thought, "I know!"
I wasn't born into a farming background.
So, I haven't got a farm to grow up to.
But the next best thing for me was to become an agricultural contractor.
So, therefore, at age 15, I bought my first ever tractor.
It was a Case International 1394. Does anyone know the make?
Yeah? You got one, have you?
- We have one. - Shit, aren't they?
This tractor was appalling, honestly.
Now, this is the first time, at age 15, I learned what failing was.
I don't like the word "failing," because I believe
everything you do is a learning curve.
And if you fail at anything, you just learn from that mistake.
Now, at age 15, as I started this business, it soon failed.
Because I didn't do that one important thing.
I didn't go over there and kick the wheels of that tractor.
Make sure it's got an engine.
Make sure it's got a steering wheel.
I was so excited at 15 to go around school and go,
"Guess what? I've got a tractor!"
"What have you got?
"I've got a tractor. Yes, I have."
Courting rights was amazing, honestly. Amazing.
Now, as I bought this tractor, of course it kept breaking down.
And I thought to myself, "I can't do this anymore."
My business was failing. Every time I turned up at a job,
I let that customer down.
So, therefore, I decided to sell that tractor.
And it was at that time where the school was getting very annoyed at me.
'Cause as I started my first business and working full-time,
my attendance was, like, 5%.
I thought it was good, all right?
I thought it was good, but apparently not.
Now, they kept fining my mum
£50 a week for my attendance being so bad.
At the time, Mum said, "Kaleb, I can't keep affording this £50."
I said, "Mum, relax."
I said, "I'm earning loads of money. Let me pay it."
So, for five weeks, I paid the fine.
Now, the school found out about this,
and they got very, very annoyed at this point.
Therefore, they called me and my mum for a meeting.
Now I remember, I sat down at that meeting room
and they said to me, "Kaleb, we can't keep going on like this."
I said, "You know what? I agree. You're costing me £50 a week."
I said, "That's £200 a month. Therefore, £2,400 a year.
"And I've worked this out, that's 15% of my profits from my egg company."
And they went,
"Okay, that was really quick maths for you."
I said, "Let me just tell you one thing."
I said, "You can sit me in a classroom and say,
"'Kaleb, add that eight to that two,' and ask me, 'What is it?'
"I wouldn't know. I felt claustrophobic. I couldn't work it out.
"But if that farmer said, 'Kaleb, I've got eight cows over there,
"'and it's them two cows,' I go, 'Yeah, easy. It's 12. Easy.'
"I'm joking, it's 11.
"And then, um...
"It's ten. It's ten."
And they said, "Let's come up with a deal. Let's negotiate."
Sorry. "Let's negotiate?"
This is the first time I learned what negotiation was.
Now, at age 15, I sat there and they said, "Look,
"You've missed year seven, year eight, and basically all of year nine.
"You're halfway through year nine now.
"So, uh, come back in year ten.
"Have the rest of the year nine off, and come back in year ten and year 11.
"'Cause you want your GCSEs, don't you, to get into college?"
I said, "Yes, I do. I wanna go and do level two and level three in agriculture."
Now I said, "That's a fair deal. I'll have the rest of the year nine off,
"and then go back in year ten and choose my GCSEs."
So, therefore, I worked all of year nine.
Year ten come around.
I went back to school.
I chose my GCSEs.
But I soon realised everything I was gonna do in year ten,
I was gonna do in year 11 and, then, sit in an exam.
So, I left again.
But I went to school every Friday
because, by that time, I built up an egg customer base of my teachers.
I was taking 20 dozen eggs on a Friday,
and I worked out, that paid me more money to do that,
than do six hours on the farm.
Brains.
For the young ones in year 11,
I went to school every single day.
I didn't miss one day.
And I passed all my GCSEs. I got Cs in everything.
I did my level two and level three in agriculture.
And as I hit 18, I thought to myself, "I've done my level three. Now what...
"What can I do?
"I can do everything with a cow."
For example, I could go out there and work on this same dairy farm.
I go up there and... I own a cow. I could foot trim a cow.
I could also tell if a cow was poorly and treat that sick cow.
But what I couldn't do was go out there and plant a field of wheat,
or barley, or oilseed rape.
So, therefore made the tough decision
to leave my first ever full-time job.
Now, I joined a person called Howard Pauling.
Now, Howard Pauling taught me everything I know, to this very day,
about planting wheat, barley, oilseed rape, cultivating, ploughing.
And it was in that time... I worked for him for three years.
It was in that time, where I met Jeremy for the first ever time,
because Howard was, in fact, farming
a farm called Lower Court Farm in Chadlington.
But he was also the contractor for Diddly Squat Farm.
And I remember, it was year two of working for Howard and I come flying up the drive,
and Jeremy was living in the cottage at the time
'cause he recently blew up his house.
Dunno if anyone's... Mad, I know.
And I remember this, I come with a sprayer, I was gonna spray the barley off.
He came out of the house and he stopped me,
and we met for the first time, we got chatting.
He said, "Kaleb, can I ask you a favour?
I said, "Of course! What?"
He said, "Look." He's like,
"Can you drive a bit slower past my house,
"'cause Lisa's cat runs around. It's an old cottage, and it rumbles."
I said, "Yeah, sure. No problem." Anyway.
I drive as fast as I can past the house,
just to simply piss him off.
It's great fun, honestly. Great fun.
Unfortunately, the third year as I was working for Howard,
he was only a tenant farmer, and the landlord wanted to sell the farm.
Now, the farm that he was farming, in the end, sold for £20.3 million.
That's the Cotswolds, full of posh twats.
Now, he said to me, "Kaleb, I haven't got a job anymore."
I said, "That's okay, Howard." "You know what," I said,
"It's been an honour working for you for three years,
"but I think it's time I work for my own company.
"Work for myself, instead of doing your job
"and my own jobs late at night."
I was gonna go and work for my own company.
Therefore, I joined my own company.
He retired.
And it was in that time when Cheerful Charlie approached me.
And he said, "Kaleb, Howard's giving up.
"We need a contractor to look after the farm.
"Will you come on as a contractor for two months
"until Jeremy takes the farm on?" I said, "Back the fuck up!"
"What'd you just say?"
He said, "Would you come on as a contractor?"
"No, that's fine, I said, "I'll come on as a contractor.
"What'd you say after that?"
He said, "Jeremy's taking the farm on." I said, "No, he's not."
I said, "He can't do that. No."
And he said, "Look, Kaleb, it's just farming. Do what he wants."
I said, "Fair enough. Okay, fine. Fine."
Now, I looked after the farm for two months.
It was in that time as they interviewed other people
to play my role on Clarkson's Farm.
But it wasn't till the very last day where the director stopped me
as I was going to put my tractor up, and he said to me,
"Can you pop up and see Jeremy in the office quickly?"
I said, "Sure thing."
And that was, in fact, the first ever time you see me on Clarkson's Farm series one.
I realised that I needed help.
Kaleb, nice to meet you.
So I called Kaleb Cooper,
the tractor driver who'd worked for the previous farmer.
I'm in a muddle.
I'm in a proper, proper muddle because...
You've farmed this farm, haven't you?
Yeah, I've farmed this farm for three years.
- Three years, is it? - Yeah.
Well, I've been nearly 24 hours,
and all I've managed to do is cultivate 10 acres of...
Is that Berry Hill South?
- Ten acres? - Hmm.
And some of it went a bit wrong.
Um...
When you've done it in the past, how long did it take to cultivate?
So, that would probably take me a good week.
But that's long hours to do the whole farm.
- I don't mind long hours, but a week? - Yeah. A week.
And that was just the cultivating.
We, then, have to plant the seeds
using something called a drill.
And how long would that take?
A bit longer because a...
What drill have you got?
A...
A red one.
Unbelievable.
It's... it's red. Or was it orange?
Reddy orange.
Reddy orange?
So, what else do you do apart from this?
So, I got my own contracting business on the side,
Kaleb Cooper's Contracting Services.
I've also got a 1.5-tonne digger.
I do general digger work,
such as burying pipes, water pipes, digging footings.
- So, you're quite practical. - Yeah.
- Animals? - I've also got 50 head of sheep.
I normally try and do five pigs a year,
to fatten up for sausages, pork chops.
I've also got about 120 chickens at the minute on the farm.
I sell the eggs locally.
How old are you?
I'm 21...
- this year. - What?
21.
You're making me feel pathetic.
I'm 59. I haven't done any of that.
- You're a local man? - Yeah. Chippy, born and bred.
- Never left the place. - What, you've never left it?
- No. - Been to London?
No. Oh, once on an art trip.
I stayed in the coach.
Couldn't do it. Too many people.
Banbury?
Banbury, at a push.
That's if I need something desperately.
But otherwise, you're happy in Chipping Norton?
Chipping Norton, Chadlington, Heythrop.
That's pretty much... Yeah, that's me.
You sound like just the saving grace.
It's almost as though God himself has beamed you down.
Good. Let's go see the tractor.
Thank you.
Now, I wanted to show that clip because...
Of course, I'm growing up.
That was five years ago. I can now grow a full beard.
Now, I would say times have changed. I'm 25 years old now,
and I've got two kids.
I've got a boy called Oscar. He's three years old.
And I've got a little girl called Willa, who is nine months.
My little boy is a proper feral farm kid.
For example, the other day he was feeding the cows,
and he loves the farm. Loves everything, tractors, cows, loves everything.
And I was standing there feeding some cows and I see him at the gate,
and he was standing at the gate like this, holding the bar.
I'm going, you know what? I might just sit there for a minute
and see what he's gonna do.
And all of a sudden, out pops his tongue.
I go, "What's he gonna do now?"
He licks the gate
from one side all the way...
...to the other.
And at the end, he goes,
"Nice!"
I said, "Oh, mate, you're gonna regret that. What happened?"
Two days later, he's on antibiotics with a throat infection, very poorly.
As I walk into the living room, I go, "You gonna do that again?"
I'll tell you what, the other day,
again, feeding the cows, he was standing there, doing this.
I said, "Why is it just my kid?"
"What have I done?"
Now, he drinks so much milk, it's unbelievable.
Does anyone else's kid drink so much milk?
Like, he drinks gallons of it, honestly.
Therefore, sometimes, we get cut short in the house.
And my other half will go, "Kaleb, can you quickly pop to the shop
"and go and get some milk?" I go, "Yeah, of course."
Now, I wanna say this, about eight months ago...
This is a true story, by the way. But eight months ago,
I go into the shop and I grab a pint of milk and I'm stood there.
And as I'm standing there, this young boy,
probably about 13 years old,
comes into the right hand side of me.
And, you know, I'm gonna quickly ask him a question.
I said, "Excuse me. Do you know where your milk comes from?"
Now I swear on my life, the answer that he said when I say this,
and he said to me, he said, "Kaleb,
"it comes from the supermarket shelf."
Bloody hell. It broke my heart. It broke my heart.
Now, I thought, I'm gonna give him a lesson, here and now.
So I thought I'd give him a lesson.
And I said, "Mate, no, your milk comes from..."
Before I even said anything,
this young chap says to me, "Kaleb, I'm too busy."
I said, "You're 13! Busy doing what?"
He said, "I gotta get back to my game." I said, "What's your game?"
He said a game called Fortnite. Does anyone play that here?
It sounds so shit!
What is it, honestly?
And I thought to myself,
"How can I get this point across and teach people where their milk comes from?"
I thought, "I know! I'm going on tour.
"And hopefully, everyone will be sitting nice and comfortably in their seats,
"and therefore, they can join me in the milking pile,
"and we'll go milk some cows together." Come with me!
This is where the magic happens,
and I'm gonna teach you how it happens.
So firstly, we dip.
Dipping done. Now, we wipe.
This is basically cleaning the teats.
All the way down.
My nice clean shirt...
covered in cow shit already.
You looking at me like that, down there?
Eh? You like that?
After cleaning...
is when the good stuff happens.
Cluster.
Fit the first one up.
Find the first teat. On.
Second one.
I mean, her udder is extremely low.
I mean, I'm sure there's a few people in the audience with...
south-facing, um...
Talking of milk...
You down there on the front row,
you look like you want some milk. Let me get you some.
Here we go.
The dairy industry is having it very hard right now.
I wanted to highlight this.
Let's start with this, is there any dairy farmers here tonight?
Put your hands up! Where are you all?
Down there? Few at the top.
Can we give them a big round of applause, please?
Now, what I'm about to say is that, I don't think it's ever been said before
and, therefore, some of you may disagree with me on it.
But that's fine, but hear me out.
Now, this litre of milk right here cost a dairy farmer
35p a litre to produce.
But for the last two years, on average, they've been getting paid 32p a litre,
selling their milk at a loss.
Mad, isn't it? Right?
Now, why is that?
I don't know. But I wanna ask one thing here tonight, and that is...
has everyone here got a pint of milk in their fridge right now?
Yeah? Yeah?
If you haven't, you're probably a vegan. You might be at the wrong show.
Now, can anyone tell me how much they pay for their pint of milk?
There's my point.
No one knows.
And every time I ask this question, everyone goes,
"Oh, actually, I don't know."
Because I firmly believe, people walk through the supermarket or the shop
and go, "Oh, yeah, milk. I need that."
"Look at the cost of beef and lamb. That's expensive, yeah?"
Milk is that one thing we need in our fridge all the time,
for our teas, coffees, baking, porridge, cornflakes.
So, therefore, I don't believe anyone looks at the cost of it.
But if the milk price was to rise by 10p a litre,
would anyone still notice?
No? But I'll tell you who would notice.
And that is the dairy farmer.
The dairy farmer would notice that.
If that 10p got paid straight to the dairy farmer,
it would help them and go a very long way.
'Cause as I said earlier, they get paid
less than what it costs them to produce this litre of milk.
And there's more red tape coming into the dairy industry now.
It's making it extremely hard to make it a profitable business.
For example, you've got a mud pile over here,
you've now gotta go out there and build a shed
over your mud pile to stop the rain water getting in with it?
That's fine. But who's gotta pay for that shed?
Now, of course, there's a government grant out there to pay for half the shed.
But the dairy farmer has still gotta pay for the other half.
And as I said earlier, financially,
I guarantee they're struggling.
So, ladies and gentlemen, that 10p
will go a very, very long way with your local dairy farmer.
Would you like this milk? Yeah?
Here we go. Enjoy.
Now, that's unpasteurized.
You're gonna shit yourself. Sorry.
The milk comes out the teat,
down this tube into this bowl at the bottom,
which then gets pumped up this line into the tank.
19.4 litres, that one cow.
That's a lot of milk.
And to finish this is to post-dip,
which then stops them getting an infection.
So, we just dip each teat individually.
I can't find that one. Oh, we did do it.
And now, we let them back out to grass.
I love cows. They're just amazing, aren't they?
Look at them. Look at the hairstyle on that one.
Got better hair than me.
And that is how you milk cows
and where your milk comes from.
That was fun, wasn't it?
Yeah, everyone know where milk comes from now?
Now, of course, if you milk 180 cattle, like it was just there,
you get a lot of shit.
Now, they wouldn't let me bring real shit on stage.
So, we've got this instead.
But I wanted to highlight this, 'cause an old farmer called Robin...
Who spoke a little bit like this, "Howdy Doody!"
...said to me one day, "Kaleb, where there's muck, there's brass."
And I never knew what he meant,
until I brought my own two muck-spreaders
and, then, spread a lot of shit, and got paid to do it.
Now, I wanted to highlight this again because,
quite recently, there's been a few programmes on TV saying,
"Don't eat beef. Cows are killing the planet."
Well, it's total shit!
Let me tell you why I think that.
80% of our farmable land in England is, indeed, grassland.
So, therefore, we need our cows and, unfortunately, sheep to graze that,
to make it sustainable to farm.
Now, at the back of them comes a lot of shit,
and that's important for our sewers' health.
For example, if we keep intensively farming for 20 years,
we may no longer have any topsoil left.
So, therefore, if we keep spreading this,
our sewers' health will be up here
instead of down here.
Now, talking of serious shit, actually,
mental health in farming is through the roof at the moment.
I thought to myself, "How can I raise awareness
"and maybe raise some money?"
And I thought, "I've got a good idea.
"I'm gonna team up with the RABI,
which are a local charity to me for mental health in farming.
So, seeing I'm a professional singer...
...I'm going to do a charity single.
Has anyone heard my charity single?
Now, my song is called I Can't Stand Sheep.
I'm gonna go and stand over there and hide with embarrassment. Enjoy.
♪ I can't stand sheep ♪
♪ I'm no singer Everybody knows ♪
♪ I'm a farmer So here it goes ♪
♪ I'm raising money for the RABI ♪
♪ For all the farming people Who need a hand getting by ♪
♪ If you love me You have to love my tractor ♪
♪ I was born with the F factor ♪
♪ Always in the shit Just the depth that varies ♪
♪ I like cows When they're in the dairies ♪
♪ I like pigs and chickens And tipping corn in a heap ♪
♪ Did I mention I can't stand sheep! ♪
♪ I can't stand sheep! ♪
♪ Whenever the weather Gets you down ♪
♪ And you think you might be better off In a town ♪
♪ Waiting for the morning In all its glory ♪
♪ A new day can bring A different story ♪
♪ Ploughing straight lines Makes my heart beat ♪
♪ Did I mention I can't stand sheep! ♪
♪ I can't stand sheep! ♪
♪ Don't forget us When you clear your plate ♪
♪ Good food never goes Out of date ♪
♪ It's more than a job It's a life, you see ♪
♪ It means the world To people like me ♪
♪ John Deere, Massey, and Ford Are a treat ♪
♪ Did I mention I can't stand sheep! ♪
♪ I can't stand sheep! ♪
♪ It can get lonely Up in the cab ♪
♪ Thinking about all the hard times That you've had ♪
♪ A problem shared Is a problem halved ♪
♪ If you're feeling lost Out in the yard ♪
♪ So sing along And stamp your feet ♪
♪ Did I mention I can't stand sheep! ♪
♪ I can't stand sheep! ♪
Oh...
Now, I think we can all agree on one thing, and that is,
I'm no singer, everybody...
I'm not gonna do it to ya. I'm not gonna do it.
Now, after the interval, we've got a little bit of a Q and A,
and there's a bucket placed here,
at the front of the stage, as well as in the hall out in front.
If you'd like to ask me any question,
please pop it on this little slip here, and pop it back in the bucket.
I'll answer as many as I can after the break.
Go and get yourself a drink, everybody. Thank you so much!
Welcome to my second happy place!
I love having my hair done. Is anyone else the same?
Yeah?
I get asked a lot, "Kaleb, do you want a free haircut?
"You want free products?" I always say no,
because I have a special relationship with my hairdresser,
who's here tonight!
Hello, Joan.
Now, I always get asked, "Kaleb,
"why do you have so many different types of hairstyles?"
Well, for a couple of reasons, but one reason being,
my dad is, like, completely bald. Completely.
All right, Dad?
Big round of applause for my dad, everybody!
Wanna stand up?
Come on! There he is!
See? Completely bald.
So I know for a damn fact I'm gonna end up looking like that one day.
So I thought to myself,
"I'm gonna try every single different hairstyle possible
"until I find the one that I love."
Now, I wonder, however, what I'd looked like if I did go bald.
Thank God for Snapchat filters.
I now know what I'd look like.
Scary, right?
Yeah?
Now, you joined me on the second half of the show,
which is, indeed, all about hair.
Exhibit A,
my favourite has got to be the perm.
I absolutely love the perm.
For example, if you look closely just here,
as well as here,
It's covering my balding patches.
It's coming, honestly. More importantly,
look at the curls on that, and the volume of it!
Amazing, right?
Does everyone love the perm?
One style that I did try, however, was the top knot.
Does everyone remember this?
What does everyone think?
Boo? Christ!
I agree. I rocked this style for about a week.
And the reason being, if you look closely just here,
and here,
you'll see that I'm balding.
And I was told as a young kid,
"If you wear hats and have your hair that tight,
"you're gonna end up with no hair, looking like your dad, maybe."
I also, if you look closely at this bit here,
which is indeed my forehead...
Not the length of it,
but the amount of wrinkles there are there.
Not one wrinkle in sight. Do you know why?
That top knot was pulling my skin that tight back,
I had a little nipple on my chin.
Terrible, right? Terrible.
Now, a style that is coming, and when it just come,
I am going to rock this look.
And that is, indeed, the combover.
But I said I'm gonna rock it and let me tell you how.
Look at this bit just here,
as well as here.
I'm gonna perm them.
Oh, yes.
I tell you, I am going to rock that look when it happens.
Rock it!
But till then, let's move to the next one, 'cause that's quite scary.
I'm not gonna try this,
because it's called The Seagull!
The reason I'm not gonna try it anymore, 'cause I fucking hate seagulls!
So, I'll move on to the Q and A.
Okay, I'll move on to the Q and A.
I'll put this stick down for a minute.
Right. I'll even take the bob off, actually.
Without much hairspray, has my hair stayed the same?
Where's my bucket? Here it is. Right.
Let's try and answer as many questions as possible.
That's a sheep question. Nope.
"What was your favourite moment
"when filming Clarkson's Farm?"
Good question.
There's been so many. I mean, the arguments,
of course, are always funny.
Well, for you lot.
It's very stressful for me.
I mean, it's more frustrating, more than you think, actually.
Because, for example, I watched him from three fields away
drive into that telegraph pole, Jeremy.
A funny one to me is, does anyone remember
when I was pushing them fence posts in with the loader?
Don't do that, okay?
Health and safety is not good. Don't do it.
All right?
But farmers sometimes do do that.
And when he got hit in the knee, it wasn't that bad, honestly.
He's a proper wimp.
My favourite moment, I walked there calmly,
I went, "Do you want me to get Lisa to get you a bag of peas?"
I was always told, if you break your elbow, you want a bag of peas.
It'll bring it out.
I know. I do say that for everything.
I do. Let's just say, "You have a bag of peas? You'll be all right."
Oscar licking a gate post with a throat infection,
"Bag of peas? Fix it."
I mean, there's been so many.
The whole roller coaster's been so fun doing it.
And, of course, we're doing a series four.
Hopefully, it'll go on for many more years.
But the whole thing's been amazing.
So many different highlights.
Hmm.
"Can you come and drill our cover crop?
"Little Dean at Overton Farm."
- Yeah. - Do you want my business card?
Yeah?
- I'll DM you. - DM me? I won't see it.
I get so many DMs a day.
And they're always, like, nipple pictures. It's weird.
Honestly.
I'll do it for you, though.
All right, let's have another one.
Fucking hell.
It's getting a bit hot up here, innit?
It's quite rude. Do you want me to...
Really?
Taya, I'm sorry.
The question says,
"Did you lose your virginity in a tractor?"
Christ.
No, it was a VW Polo. Anyway...
Had to come out, didn't it?
Had to come out, all right?
It really didn't!
Last question. Here we go.
Fucking, of course it would be this.
"Why do you hate sheep so much?"
The reason I hate sheep so much is for a few reasons.
As a young kid, I used to have these sheep.
And as I started working for Howard, I was doing more and more tractor work,
especially through the harvest.
So, I get into the tractor during harvest.
Jump in. Start the combine up.
We start cutting the field. My phone rings.
"Hi, I think one of your sheep's stuck in our fence."
"I'm on my way." After getting a bollocking from Howard,
I get down to this field, and there's, of course, one sheep stuck in a fence.
But as I step within a metre of this sheep, what happened, everybody?
Doesn't die just yet.
It gets out and, then, runs up the field.
And as I stand there looking at it, it looks back at me,
and we make eye contact.
For ten seconds, no more, no less.
- Then what happens? - It dies!
It dies.
Now, they also attract maggots.
Now, I mean, I hate it, any animal in pain.
But what goes through that sheep's mind when I go and help this sheep?
It's not the fact that there's maggots killing it.
Doesn't worry about them anymore. As soon as I step in that field,
it's like, "I must run away. That farmer's gonna kill me. Run like fuck.
"Run, run, run!" And what happens?
I catch it eventually.
Three hours later, I cure that sheep.
- Then, what happened? - It died.
Not just yet.
That's too easy, that is. That's too easy!
The second day, you go back, and what happens then?
It's on its back cast.
'Cause it can't get back up.
So, you go over to it. You walk back.
You put it on his four feet, it runs up the field,
clean as hell, all healthy.
Then, looks back at you, straight into your eyes again
and, then, just dies.
I fucking hate sheep!
Of course, I do have favourite animals, though.
Can anyone guess some of my favourites?
- Pigs. - Pigs.
I love pigs, and I've got a few pigs myself.
In fact, here they are.
This is Hazel on the left hand side.
And this is Maple.
Now, the reason one is called Hazel is because,
when we found out the gender of our second-born,
I said to my other half, "Can we call her Hazel?"
We found out it's a girl. "Can we call her Hazel, please?"
This is the answer that I got. It was actually like this.
"No."
I know for a fact you don't argue with that.
Therefore, I bought a pig instead and called her Hazel.
She's had a litter of babies.
She's got five babies weaned off, and she's done incredibly well.
Now, I have to say this.
Jeremy's got a few pigs. Dunno if you've seen that.
He's actually not a bad pig farmer, you know?
He's quite good.
I know. Surprisingly.
For example, the other day, he came running up the drive.
I say "running." It was more crawling, 'cause he's like a fossil.
He goes, "Guess what?"
I go, "What? You got your two arms and legs. What happened?"
"I've got eight piglets there, all doing great."
I go, "Well done, mate."
Then he started talking, and I'm getting bored now.
I know I taught you all of this, but well done.
Felt like good little father, weirdly,
even though he's triple my age.
But proud moment to me. He's a really good pig farmer.
Don't tell him too much, or he gets big-headed.
Any other favourite animals out there?
I'm after one animal that I wanna really slander. Come on.
Seagulls, can't say. Come on.
Come on, just say it. Say it.
The farmers out there, say what you want to say. Wait...
Say that again.
- Badger. - Badger.
There we are.
Badgers. Let me see if a badger's at the top of the list.
Let me try to think of a few good things that badgers do. One minute.
They're overpopulated and they carry TB. That's a bad thing, right?
They spread it to cattle. That's another bad thing.
Wait, no... They eat hedgehogs. Another bad thing.
- We like hedgehogs, don't we? - Yes!
Wait! No, wait... That's another bad thing.
They eat ground-nesting birds. We like them too, don't we?
- Yes. - You know what?
I can't fucking stand badgers.
I'll tell you what's at the top of my list, though.
That is, indeed, cows.
I love cows.
Love them.
But a few different reasons.
I think one reason being the personalities that these cows carry.
Now, I have 220 cows myself.
These are a few of my cows just here.
Actually, we've sold these, and ate these ones. But...
You've seen them on a screen.
Are you okay? He looks horrified when I say that.
They taste amazing.
Now, these are a few of my cows. I got 220 cows here.
And...
There's a few Herefords.
Very keen.
There we go. We're safe now. We can keep going.
There's a few Herefords, as well as a few Angus.
And if you look at the cows at the back,
there's a few Belgian Blues there.
The reason I have these cows, I rear them for beef.
And I say, just a minute ago,
see the two cows walking ahead of me?
The rest, they're walking behind me.
Basically like dogs. They love me.
Them two cows have got that personality, basically like, "Leave me alone, Kaleb."
And you go, "You know, I respect that."
'Course, I'm talking personalities.
There's that one cow
that basically looks at you and goes,
"You know, I really love you. Scratch me."
So you spend 20 minutes scratching their belly, their heads,
doing their hair. Well, I do anyway.
And so on.
The next day, you jump into that pen,
and there's that one cow that'll look you in the eye and go like this.
"I fucking hate you!"
And you go, "You know what? I respect that.
"'Cause I hate you just as much.
Therefore, we'll spend the rest of the year
going around in a circle like this,
until I eat you, and you'll taste amazing.
Another good thing with animals is the communication skills.
As well as farmers, speaking of that.
They have weird ways to communicate, such as this...
Has everyone heard the phrase, "Ah, it'll be all right"?
You heard that before? Anyone know what it means?
Let me talk in detail what it means.
It means this. As I get in from the pub three hours later,
I say to my other half, "Are you okay?" She goes, "I'm fine."
We've all heard that, yeah?
I know, no. That means she's not okay.
So, when a farmer says, "Ah, it'll be all right..."
Yes, the cows may be out, jumping through the local cemetery,
but you know what?
It'll be all right. That has happened. It was incredibly embarrassing.
But you know what? It'll be all right. Be fine.
When I was a young kid,
the farmer used to say to me, "Kaleb,
"you're in charge of this farm while I go on holiday."
I go, "Wait. I'm in charge of this farm while you go on a holiday."
They go, "Yes." I go, "Really?"
"Yes. Don't make it weird." I go, "Okay, sorry."
But they never used to give me a list of jobs to do
because paper costs money.
In fact, they used to give me sketches on the wall such as this one here.
Do you know what that means?
It's easy. Jump in the tractor in the morning,
go and cultivate Berry Hill North.
That's the shape of that field.
You got that?
What about this one here?
Now, my hair wasn't that bad, everybody, okay?
In fact, this one means, go into the bar and let the cows out,
then move the sheep into another field.
Yes, they'll die. Just do it anyway.
This is the important one. Does everyone know what this means?
At the start of the year, the farmer will put this much money in.
Then, throughout the year, put a bit more money in.
And, then, a bit more money in.
And at the end of the year, put a bit more money in.
As they sell their produce, they end up with...
that much back.
And that is why every farmer is a hero to me.
I can name 15 different farmers that are out there right now
planting trees, planting hedges, building dams.
Why are they spending their own money to do these things?
It's because they love the environment and the wildlife
just as much as everybody else does.
Yet, they always get blamed for harming them two things.
It really annoys me.
Thank you.
Now, talking of heroes,
I've got some I wanted to highlight tonight.
This gets harder every time I say this,
'cause these are meaningful to my heart.
And the one here I wanna start off with is my gramp.
Unfortunately, my gramp died
just before series one of Clarkson's Farm could come out.
Therefore, he didn't get a chance to see this.
But I hope that I make him very proud of everything I'm doing
and everything I've achieved.
Now, as a young kid, I used to walk into the house and go,
"Grampy, you'll never guess what!" He goes, "What's that, my boy?"
I said, "I've got 100 chickens now."
And he'll go "Well done, mate!"
So, the next day, he'll go to Chipping Norton
and speak to all his friends and go, "You know, my little grandson, Kaleb.
"He's 13. He's got 100 chickens.
"He's doing really well."
So, the day after that,
as I walk down to meet my nan for a coffee,
or go and put some electric on the key for my mum,
I got stopped by absolutely everyone.
And they said to me,
"I hear you've got 100 chickens, Kaleb. Well done, you! Well done!"
Therefore, it wasn't just a "well done" from my gramp,
it was a "well done" from my whole community.
Now, another hero to me is actually, again, not a famous hero.
He's indeed a local farmer, and I mentioned him earlier.
A person called Howard Pauling.
I wanted to highlight this man here as a hero,
because he taught me everything I know about drilling wheat,
barley, oilseed rape, cultivating and spraying.
But more importantly, he taught me the meaning
of that famous quote that I love to say,
and that quote being,
"Dreams don't work unless you do."
For example, it will be eight o'clock at night and he'll go,
"Kaleb, it's eight o'clock. are you going home
"or will you finish the cultivating?"
I go, "You know what?
"I'm gonna go and finish that cultivating off."
Because I knew every hour that I was working,
I was earning money and, therefore, I could build towards my dream.
And that dream, to this very day, is, in fact, I want to buy my own farm.
The day that I go out there with my two kids and my wife-to-be,
and I walk over and go, "You know, that field there,
"I want to plant wheat in it because it's my farm now."
That'll be my dream complete.
Now another hero to me...
It's actually two heroes here tonight,
and are, indeed, my mum and my dad.
Mum, just know that I love you dearly when I say this,
and it's really funny.
Okay. Nan, thanks so much for the picture. Blame Nan.
Blame Nan.
The reason she's looking at me funny
is that my mum has got a rabbit between her legs.
Now, I firmly believe without my mum buying me them free chickens,
I wouldn't be the person I am today.
And, of course, I have to thank Mum,
because every time I came in and went, "Mum, I've got 400 chickens now.
"Can we pick another 50 chickens up tomorrow?"
You never used to say to me, "No more chickens, Kaleb. Come on."
She went, "Yeah, what time we going?" Because Mum believed in me,
that I was gonna make a business of it. And of course I did! Made lots of money.
Thank you so much again.
My dad's gonna kill me again. He hates his picture.
He taught me a couple of things as well.
One being, never have that hairstyle.
I'm never having that hairstyle, Dad, don't you worry. We're safe.
I have to thank him as well, 'cause every time I need some advice,
or I need him, he's always there on the phone,
or helping me do weird stuff, like building staircases on the weekend,
or helping me put a sink in to feed my calves
to make it easier for me and my team. So thank you.
Now, I think that's all the heroes.
There's one more, isn't there?
'Course, the last hero being Jeremy Clarkson.
He's gotta be up there, hasn't he, eh?
Now, the man does my head in.
What?
- What do you mean? - What have you been doing?
- Going up and down. - Up and down like this?
No, I went up and then went across like that.
What'd I say at the start?
You said, "Don't do that." But I couldn't see why.
Well, that sign of me going up there is not happening.
We're gonna have a sign saying, "Guess who drilled this?
"Jeremy. Kaleb."
Well, what's the matter with that?
I said every eighth time, you're putting a tram line in.
The tram lines are gonna be everywhere.
Down here, you're gonna have tram line, tram line, tram line, every three metres.
On this bit here, you're gonna have no tram lines.
When I come to spray it and fertilise it,
how do I know where to drive?
Guess.
I don't know what I'm doing in there.
I'll do it properly now, or is it too late?
It's too late. You're pretty much screwed.
And you haven't even drilled it straight!
What do you mean I haven't drilled it straight.
That's as straight as a roundabout!
See? The man does my head in. But I have to thank him
because he brought me into an industry I never thought I'd be working in.
And, of course, that is the TV industry.
Now, I'm a firm believer of life being a journey.
And on that journey, you hit an obstacle.
For example, age 21,
I hit the obstacle of being... TV.
I could have went around it.
But from a bit of support from this man here,
I decided to go straight through it.
Now, of course, it leads me to here.
Now, this is my own show.
So, any picture on this screen,
I've chosen to put up.
So I thought, I wanna put a picture of Jeremy up.
Therefore, I went through my phone,
and I found the worst picture to put on the screen.
Oh...
Now, I have to thank him again, because, hopefully I've taught him some farming,
to the point where he can go, "I can do that job on my own now."
Like the pigs.
More importantly, he's taught me so much about the TV industry.
You think, "Oh, it can't be that hard, filming a TV show."
For example, you turn up,
two cameras turn up,
they film you, and so on. There's so much to think about.
For example, your position, where everyone at home can see you,
but more importantly, the person trying to teach farm
can see you in a safe way, too.
And never turn your back to the audience.
Oh, my God, that's scary.
Because I just looked at the rear end here.
No one wants to see that! No?
And as a friendship, we have a really good friendship.
I count him as a best mate.
I'd go as far as to say,
actually, I love the bloke.
Rural halfwit.
He's a good chap. I think we can all thank him for one more thing, that is.
He has put farming back on the map again, right?
Another thing that I wanted to highlight is, of course, mental health and farming,
which I touched on earlier.
But I wanna bring you a stat right now.
And that is, in the year of 2021,
36 farmers took their own life.
36.
Now, why is that? I think it can be for many different reasons.
For example, cash flow being like this.
Not knowing if they can feed their family and pay rent.
As well as the weather, because we can't change the weather.
But what's the weather changing? The cash flow.
Now, I firmly believe when I say this,
I firmly believe that everybody should go to their local agricultural show.
Does everyone go to our local ag show here?
The reason I say you should go is 'cause it does an important thing,
and that is, it gets the farmer off the farm for that one important day.
Therefore, every time I go there, I see that farmer smiling,
talking to friends, neighbours, family,
watching their kids show their sheep or race their ponies around the arena.
And it's a really good day out.
Getting in their old tractors,
and never smiling because it's so cold.
You know what? I'd be smiling if I was in that Valtra and that Fendt,
because it's got heating.
Now, I wanna do something special tonight,
and that is, I wanna hold my very own agricultural show,
right here, right now.
We're gonna call it the Grand Turnip.
Now this is, indeed, a tractor race.
And I believe we've got some special guests in tonight
to take part in this race.
I wanna say first, thank you, JB, for coming tonight
'cause my other half is obsessed with you, so I do apologise.
If you'd like to come up. JB Gill, everybody!
Dilwyn, the vet off the show.
Dilwyn, come on up!
And Lizzie, who is the goat expert for series three.
There we go. Come on up. Come on over here.
Join me up here. How you doing?
Dilwyn!
Thank you. How are you?
Right.
How's about you? I hear you're farming these days?
- Yes! - What are you farming? Alpacas?
- No. Alpacas? - I don't know!
Pigs, turkeys.
Turkeys? What breed of turkeys you got?
KellyBronze. Only the best. Best for the best.
- He knows his shit. - Yeah.
Do you think you're gonna win this race? This is, indeed, a tractor race.
- It depends on the tractor I get. - Have you got a favourite tractor?
- I do. - What's your favourite tractor?
- John Deere. - Okay.
In fact, you are the John Deere driver.
So, if you'll go and stand behind the John Deere for me, please.
Now, we'll go on to Dilwyn.
- So, hello, Dilwyn. Back again, eh? - Absolutely.
I see Dilwyn more times than I've actually probably seen my kids.
- Probably have. - I can't help but imagine
the vet bills that you're sending in.
Just think of a number and double it.
Of course, Dilwyn is a vet on the show, everybody.
Now, do you think you're gonna win this race?
- I'm sure I will. - Have you got a favourite tractor?
I was brought up with a Massey Ferguson.
Okay, you'll have to have the red one. That's a Case, 'cause it's red.
- Is that all right? - That'll do.
Can you go and stand behind the Case tractor for me, please.
- Hello, Lizzie. - Hello.
I think you need to slaughter them goats, sorry.
- No comment. - Jeremy's got some goats on series three.
- I think he's in love with 'em. - Very much.
- Isn't he? He's quite weird. - Mmm.
Really weird.
I said to him, as a business plan, he's got 29 boy goats.
Therefore, they're not making any money and he's going,
"Kaleb, I reckon I could rent them out."
Am I correct? That's what he says, isn't it?
- It is. - "What do you mean rent them out?
"You can't! That's illegal!"
He goes, "No! I'm gonna rent them out to farmers
and then, graze the bits they can't get attracted to.
And I'm going, "Yeah, okay." So he went and did a deal with someone, didn't he?
And the person said, "Well, hang on a minute.
"You should be paying me 'cause I'm feeding your goats."
- I know. It didn't go down well. - It didn't go down well, did it?
- He's an idiot. - He doesn't listen.
Are you happy with the New Holland tractor?
- I don't really have much choice, do I? - Do you have a favourite one?
I'm so confident, I'll go with any.
- Oh, really? - Yeah.
A big round of applause for that. That's wicked, right?
Right.
If you'd like to pick up your steering wheels for me, please.
Right. On the countdown from three, the race will start.
You have to go around the roundabout twice.
You then have to go across the bridge
and, then, reverse park into the tractor shed.
I didn't say this was gonna be easy, everybody.
Now, on this course, you may see a few obstacles.
One being cows.
We love cows, don't we?
Don't hit the cows.
You can also see a few sheep on this course.
Now, while I was on tour, I kept saying,
"If you hit a sheep, you know what, I'm gonna give you a tenner."
Now, this young guy,
he was 13 years old.
He took part in this race.
From the race starting,
he didn't go for the win.
He hit every single sheep on the course.
So, it cost me 50 quid, 'cause we had more than two.
So, we've only got two left.
But if you hit a sheep here tonight, you know what?
I'm gonna be nice. You get 10 points.
- Are you all ready? - Yes!
Are you ready for this?
Ready?
Three, two, one, go!
This is off to a flying start.
A bit of a crash. We haven't got insurance.
Good catch, sir.
- What's going on, Lizzie? - I know. I can't.
No, no, no!
Right. Forward. You know what, actually... No!
No!
You're going over here.
Right. Around the roundabout.
This actually quite hard, believe it or not.
Look at the concentration on their faces, everybody.
There they go.
Lizzie, you hit the cow
- that's in the middle of the roundabout! - I know! I'm sorry!
Forward.
Forward. There we go.
There we go. Oh, around back!
- Lizzie, have you been drinking? - I have.
You have?
Don't drink and drive, ever.
Wait.
Dilwyn's in the lead. You gotta reverse into the shed.
Come on, JB! You gotta get over that bridge.
- Come on, Lizzie! Come on! - I can't!
Oh, JB's done it!
Absolutely obliterated the sheep.
I like it. Well done.
Lizzie, are you okay?
I'm close.
Oh, this is awesome! Oh, he's done it!
You don't like JLS?
What's going on? It's really good, honestly.
Now, go get back.
No.
Wow!
Come and stand over here for me. Good.
We've got a few certificates 'cause it's serious shit here.
All right? We're gonna start down in third place.
- Dilwyn. - Here we go.
How did you find the race, mate?
I was doing okay until it came to the reversing, wasn't it?
You were.
That was the most intense race I've seen in my life.
I was so into it! And then, all of a sudden
JB's about to win and you go and T-boned him!
What's going on?
- Here is your certificate. Fair play. - Thank you very much.
A big round of applause, everybody!
Move that way for me. There you go.
A bit of a rough start. How many have you drunk tonight?
- Only two. - Only two?
Please note, don't drink and drive, ever.
You drove off the stage twice.
-No, three times. - I was practicing reversing.
Thanks so much for catching it every time.
'Cause they're about 300 quid, them things...
off Amazon.
Anyway, you come second and a big "Well done" to you.
- Thank you. - Big round of applause, everyone!
Now you've absolutely smashed it.
Sorry, Taya. Look, mate.
I'm gonna say mate. We are best mates.
Best mates.
Anyway, in first place, we have JB.
- Yay! - Thank you so much!
Thank you so much!
Now, after that, I would say, should we have
a bit of a young farmer's party?
Yeah?
For example, anyone keen for a potato fight?
Yeah?
Now, unfortunately, when I hired this venue,
at the bottom of the contract, in bold writing, it said,
"No potato fights allowed." And come to think of it,
I guarantee if we started a potato fight, I would hit
that chandelier and have to pay for it.
Therefore, we won't do that.
But has everyone heard of that famous band called The Wurzels?
Yeah?
Does everyone know that famous song they did
called I've Got a Brand New Combine Harvester?
Is anyone keen for a singalong with me...
and you? Yeah?
What about... What about...
Why don't we have a singalong with me, you,
and The Wurzels?
- Hello, hello! - Thank you!
Thank you.
Are we all ready?
Cue the music!
♪ I drove my tractor Through your haystack last night ♪
♪ I threw me pitchfork at your dog To keep quiet ♪
♪ Now somethin's tellin' me That you'm avoidin' me ♪
♪ Come on now, darling You've got something I need ♪
♪ Cuz I got a brand new Combine harvester ♪
♪ An' I'll give you the key ♪
♪ Come on now let's get together In perfect harmony ♪
♪ I got 20 acres An' you got 43 ♪
♪ Now I got a brand new Combine harvester ♪
♪ An' I'll give you the key ♪
♪ She made I laugh ♪
♪ I'll stick by you I'll give you all that you need ♪
♪ We'll 'ave twins and triplets I'm a man built for speed ♪
♪ And you know I'll love you darlin' So give me your hand ♪
♪ But what I want the most Is all they acres of land ♪
♪ Cuz I got a brand new Combine harvester ♪
♪ An' I'll give you the key ♪
♪ Come on now let's get together In perfect harmony ♪
♪ I got 20 acres An' you got 43 ♪
♪ Now I got a brand new Combine harvester ♪
♪ An' I'll give you the key ♪
♪ Who loves you, baby ♪
♪ Weren't we a grand couple At that last Wurzel dance ♪
♪ I wore brand new gaters And me corduroy pants ♪
♪ In your new Sunday dress With your perfume smelling grand ♪
♪ We had our photos took And us holding hands ♪
♪ Cuz I got a brand new Combine harvester ♪
♪ An' I'll give you the key ♪
♪ Come on now let's get together In perfect harmony ♪
♪ I got 20 acres An' you got 43 ♪
♪ Now I got a brand new Combine harvester ♪
♪ An' I'll give you the key ♪
♪ Ah, you're a fine lookin' woman ♪
♪ And I can't wait to get me 'ands On your land ♪
One more round of applause, everybody! The Wurzels!
I'm so excited!
I wanna say one more thing
and that's thanks so much for coming tonight.
It's been an absolute pleasure to be here!
And just remember, dreams don't work unless you do.
Hey, hey!
Thank you so much!
Thank you!