CREAKING, HE GASPS
JORDAN SCREECHES
HE WAILS
WAILING CONTINUES
HE GRUMBLES
My hair...!
CALLUM GROANS
Jordan!
Jordan.
Jordan?
I'm... just... trying to get a bit of sleep, Jordan!
Yes, this would be your en suite and then a single bed.
I didn't think YOU'D need more than that.
It does get very hot in the summer - a real heat trap.
And I am, er...
...legally obliged to say that, erm...
...the owner is on a certain... register.
And, er... I don't mean falsetto.
No!
- Is she quiet, at least? - Oh, she's so quiet!
You wouldn't even hear her coming up behind you.
I'll take it.
1,200 a month and a £65 admin fee.
Oh, God...!
Ohh!
- God has a plan, Callum Brown. - HE SIGHS DEEPLY
And sometimes, that plan is to be a homeless.
Ballymacbot Wars.
Oh, fucking hell!
Competitive robot combat is one of the last ways
a young man can make an honest living in this world.
And sooner or later,
even competitive robots will be controlled by actual robots.
So let's make use of one of the last human ventures
while we still can, eh? Ballymacbot Wars.
I never have been a great one for the concept of war, sham.
Lorcan, don't tell me you've never wanted to fight robots.
We've discussed it many times late into the night, mister.
- That was enjoyable pillow talk, I have to say. - Mm-hm.
And the rules stipulate we need a three-man team.
So, Jordan, the amount of games that you play,
- I know you'll be an amazing robot pilot. Won't he? - Mm-hm.
Is someone hiding his Drizzy hairdo?
OK. First off, I finally looked up a picture of Drake
and we do not look the same, Callum.
Secondly, I have no interest in playing silly robots with you guys.
This is your biggest chance to show off your skills
to the world this side of the E-gaming championship in Jing'pai.
And what skills they are! You'd make a teenage boy blush.
You' ain't the last of us, brother - you're the BEST of us.
It'd be a shame to not let the world see those skills of yours.
- Damn shame. - Yeah!
You are the Champagne Papi, Jordan.
The world ain't ready for me yet, guys.
Gemma, do you want to be our robot pilot?
What? And be your sloppy seconds? I...
Gemma, do you want to do it or not?
- Well, is it a mech suit? Can... Can I get in it? - No.
You drive a hard bargain, Callum Brown.
SHE CHUCKLES
You son of a bitch...
I'm in.
This is a vacuum cleaner.
Felled at the first hurdle. Onwards, Grainne!
Do not waste my time with vacuum cleaners, folks.
All right, son. These robots are something else.
This is not a Rio de Janeiro cock fighting ring
where the barrier to entry is simply having a small thing that moves.
And I know that because I've ran those as well. Next!
We would like to enlist in the upcoming bot wars, please.
And your robot?
I... It's still under development. Gemma here is our pilot.
Yes, and I will be getting in the robot if possible.
What's your role in all this?
Well, I have an A* in Key Stage 3 Design and Tech.
Bulbs, buzzers, bird-boxes...
Well, you'll need to build a box, all right.
A box to bury you in.
- That's right - I'm part cyborg. - He's just like my granny...!
Had my eye slapped out by a low-ranking
house bot's pneumatic flipper.
That eye was holding me back.
Now I can see more clearly than ever.
I've also got a...
...robo cock extender
that lengthens up to one inch above the UK average.
And you're talking to me... You're talking to me about bird boxes?!
This isn't Key Stage 3, this is Kill Stage 3!
This is robots at war!
But do you know what the most dangerous part
of competitive robot combat is?
Is it the pincers?
Losing your humanity.
What's your robot's name, then?
Has Robbie the Robot already been taken?
Yeehoo! Ooh - let's add a flame-thrower to its arse.
Hey! Why is your robot on a leash?
Cos it's a foul beast is what it is.
It's got the combined power of 405 horses.
Jesus! That's the same strength
as a Massey Ferguson S-Series engine.
That's exactly what it is, on top of a lawnmower.
And this here's Fergal. He's our pilot.
He drove tanks in Tiananmen, got his throat shot out by a sniper.
HE SNARLS - - Get the fuck off.
They say a robot is made in the image of its creator.
Is that why your schematics depict a big, massive fanny?
Are you sure you want to enlist in a war of the robots
with this hunk of junk?
We aren't enlisting in the war of the robots.
We're WINNING the war of the robots!
That's right, and we're going to put an end to this damned conflict,
- once and fer all. - You think you can hack the war of the robots?
This ain't no Wall-E shit. This is going to get dark.
Well, joke's on you, Frank,
cos' Wall-E actually IS one of the darker Pixar movies.
HE GROWLS
Fergal, move!
That fella scares the FUCK out of me, hai!
Daddy!
HE SCREAMS LOUDLY
Fuck.
SCREAMING CONTINUES
HE SCREAMS AND THUDS
HE SOBS
SOBBING INTENSIFIES
Fucking wee baldy cunt.
The most important part of being an assassin
isn't the parkour or the hidden knife blade.
The most important part is...
...being a good friend!
Listen, Jordan, your friends need your help.
They can't win this battle alone.
Don the hood...
...hide your bald shame...
...do what you must to help.
Run, for God's sake! Help them!
Jordy?
Jordy-bum?
Ben?
Ben, he... He's finally left the house!
CALLUM GRUNTS
Now, Callum, I know you're the chief designer,
but if I am going to be piloting the thing
- I really do think I should have a say. - OK...
She's based on one of nature's most docile creatures - the slutty pig.
Which, to be fair, it'll give it
an element of surprise in the combat arena.
Ooh! Flip her over, Lorcy.
This is her little heart
and that's just to remind us to hold on to our humanity.
What's this here at the... at the back?
Oh! That's her pussy.
- It's going to shoot darts. - LORCAN IMITATES DARTS WHOOSHING
Just one wee question for you, Gemma.
Erm... How useful is it going to be when she's got a serrated pick-axe
lodged in her skull and all she can do is shit pussy darts
- onto the fucking floor?! - Don't talk about her like that, Cally.
Hai, boy. Now I know you're tired, but neither our ears,
nor the piggy's, deserve THAT kind of language.
What goes on inside your head, Gemma?
Do you have any idea how difficult that circuitry's going to be
to get... to get darts to fly out of a fucking pig's pussy, Gemma?
Robot wars is supposed to be fun, you sweaty-handed little prick!
CALLUM YELLS
Take all this silly, pointless shit away
and build me a robot that fucking works! I'm the chief designer!
I have not slept in over 350 hours! OK? Get to it!
I want a fucking robot with a flipper!
I want a fucking flip... I want a fucking flipper. Let's do a flipper!
Let me hear it! Flip, flip, flip!
- - Flip, flip, flip, flip... - Flip, flip, flip!
THEY ALL REPEAT
Flip 'em, flip 'em, flip 'em, flip 'em...
EAGLE CRIES DRAMATICALLY
Now, I know we're in the middle of a robot war right now,
but never forget this. This!
It's the most powerful weapon you have.
I know it's hard to hear right now in that sleepy head of yours,
but you've got to keep listening, sham, for God's sake!
It'll make itself heard sooner rather than later.
Lorcan, do you know what happens when you go 350 hours without sleep?
What's that, sham?
The dreams inside your head start to leak out into reality!
JORDAN SHRIEKS
Wah!
HIGH-PITCHED SHRIEK
Are ye sure moving out of Jordan's is the answer, though?
He'll be utterly devastated, so he will.
Jordan will be fine.
His hair will grow back and cover up that disgusting bald head of his!
HE SOBS
OBJECTS CLATTER
Must've been a titmouse, hai.
OWL HOOTS
Jordan?
Ye are not gonna believe...
TENSE MUSIC
Wha... The Illuminati?
Oh, Jordan, what are you up to?
JORDAN CHUCKLES Jordan!
As long as there have been kings who have called themselves gods,
phoneys who have called themselves friends,
we have been there.
In shadow.
In SILENCE!
OK. Jordan, your dad's told me that you left the house today,
which is great, so we were wondering if you wanted to come to
Ballymacbot Wars with us tomorrow.
Bot wars, the French Revolution,
the Crusades!
It's all the same to me.
Power breeds cruelty.
A knife in the dark gifts...
- - ...mercy.
OK, Jordan, what's with all the...
Oh J-Jor... Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You know better than anyone we've all got secrets, Callum Brown!
Jesus fucking Christ!
Little surprises up our sleeve.
CALLUM EXHALES SLOWLY
- - Some just hide it better than others.
CALLUM GASPS
Ssssss!
Jordan...
Jordan!
- - Oh, oh, oh...
Ah... argh!
What are you doing?!
JORDAN PANTS AND WHIMPERS
SWEEPING ORCHESTRAL MUSIC
Guys, I am so tired.
I-I can't actually tell if it was a dream or a nightmare,
but I-I'm pretty sure Jordan tried to open my throat
with a butter knife last night.
I think it was a real wake-up call that I need to be a better friend.
We knew you'd wake up to that one sooner rather than later, sham.
Oh, come on.
- There we go. Easy, slugger... - Get that coffee into you.
Easy. Aw.
This war's taking its friggin' toll on me, Gem.
Even if you're having a mare,
know your friends will always be there.
It's a quote from Wall-E.
Mmm!
Oh...
Efficient design, sleek.
And look at that.
The most important part.
Its heart is in exactly the right place,
anatomically speaking, of course.
Prepare your robot for lethal engagement!
Excuse me, boss. Er, where's all the other bots?
Oh, there's only one other team this year
and I've just disqualified their pilot.
If I haven't found another in one minute
it's an automatic win for Robbie,
and a very, very sad day for those who enjoy metal-on-metal violence.
Guys, I was looking it up and a hair-plug procedure in Turkey
costs a couple of grand.
We'll have another grand left over for two return flights.
Why don't we take the money and use it to get Jordan his hair back?
And, Gemma, you can see the Adriatic Sea
like you've always dreamed.
I can get my tits done!
Well, I think that'd be an outcome we could all be happy with.
Let's do it for Jordan!
DRAMATIC MUSIC
Jordan...
What the fuck?
He's on my da's team?
Oh, look who it is.
Dick, Dom and the Bungle-hoe.
What the hell? So rude.
Jordan, what the hell's going on?
You wanted me at Ballymacbot Wars.
Well, HERE I AM!
Fergal was using performance-enhancing
barbiturates. Nearly got us kicked out of the comp.
Then I found this one bouncing around the farm.
And who better to pilot a robot than a massive virgin?
JORDAN HISSES
Jordan, I know I've been acting like a self-obsessed
tech billionaire recently, but...
I know you're planning to use the money to leave me, Callum.
God, you're always one step behind, aren't ye?
TENSE MUSIC
Pilots, to your corners!
JORDAN GIGGLES
Ooh!
Robot ready?
Yeah, ha-ha!
Robot ready?
I'm rippin' that hood off if you don't win.
- Come on, Jordy. - Come on, boys.
Robots... fighhhht!
FAST-PACED HEAVY METAL MUSIC
No, you got it, you got it, you got it.
- Go, Gemma, go! - Can you not reverse it, no? - AHHHHH!
- Huh? - No use.
You've got this!
Lorcy, where's the pussy-dart button?
We don't have one, Gemma.
Go on!
- Go on, Gemma. Come on. - This is what I live for.
Go on, Robbie!
- Go and get it! - I'm trying! - Come on.
Move it, you stupid Humpty-Dumpty-lookin' fucker.
- Come on. - Aye, you look like a dick. - Silly little boy!
- Yeah, you big puss, Jordan! - Fuck him up, Gemma!
- Yeah fuck him uuuup! - You don't even know what you're doing, hai!
What is our attack? What does this robot do?
It's a lawnmower, Jesus. Mow the cunt!
Oh...
- Ahhhh! - Flip, flip, flip, flip, flip, flip, flip, flip, flip, flip...
- You betrayed me, Callum! - Arrrggghhh!
- Flip, flip, flip, flip, flip... - Arrrggghhh!
YOU BETRAYED ME!
Go. Go!
Oh, fuck me, they've both went over!
It might be a draw, hai.
- Oh! - Argh, aaargh!
Come on, come on, come on, come on!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Robbie wins!
THEY LAUGH AND CHEER
C'mere, you!
Ah, ha-ha, ha-ha!
Whoo! CHEERING STOPS
- Get him, get him! - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! - Bastard!
Get him!
- Ahhh! - Oh...
GASPS Jesus.
Argh!
Ha-ha!
It's not regulation,
but I think I'll allow it.
♪ And if you just fall... ♪
- Ahhh! - Jordan!
Get away!
Get it away from me!
Rollin' around like a big boneless worm!
HE SCREAMS
Argh! It's going to eat me! It's going to eat me!
ARNOLD CHUCKLES
JORDAN SCREAMS
♪ I'll never just disappear
♪ I'm always here to lend an ear... ♪
Well, let me just say I think it was very mature of you
to let Lorcan and Gemma go on that Turkey holiday instead, my man.
Nah, I didn't deserve it.
Plus, Lorcan made the decision easy when he offered me
a clump of his Boggin's mane.
It was a win-win, really.
Mm. Yeah, you look like prime Bobby Charlton, my man.
LORCAN CHUCKLES
- Oh... - Oh, speak of the devil.
Oh, boob-job alert! THEY LAUGH
No, I didn't get one in the end. I actually, er...
I went for something else.
I'm not sure if you've noticed.
Oh. Yeah, they did a really good job there, Gemma.
Yeah, well, they had incredibly professional facilities, Callum.
What can I sa?
I'll tell ye, we're all lookin' like quite the picture these days.
A regular bunch of magazine models, if I do say so myself.
You can say that again.
We practically look like twins, Lorcan.
Oh, my God. You do! LAUGHTER
Hey, Cally, you're also looking pretty fresh.
- Ach! - Did you finally get some sleep?
I actually think it was the guilt of betraying Jordan that kept me up
at night, just as much as his screaming bloody night terrors.
Now, with a clear conscience, I'm back to my usual
four to five hours of slightly restless, scattered REM sleep,
with an occasional wet dream thrown in for good measure.
Just what the doctor flippin' ordered!
I love sleeping with you, Callum.
I love sleeping in the same room as you, too, Jordan.
When are you going to tell them?
HE MUTTERS Shhh.
They're going to find out eventually.
They might not, hai.
Lorcy...
...they're going to find out
Let's just leave that one for another day, hai?
Come on.
- Come on in. - Who wants pizza? Pizza!
LAUGHTER
That's all we've got for you, Gemma.
THEY LAUGH Have a bite.
OK.
These are good peps. Hm.
It does feel a little bit weird when I eat, to be fair.
Guys, do you think a girl will ever kiss me again with this hair?
Let me tell you from experience...
- ...yes. - Yes, she will.
- Oh, oh... - Oh!
LAUGHTER
How do you feel about that, Lorcan?
- Oh, yeah, go on! - Lorcan! Give him one, too!
- Nah... - Ah, Callum. - Go, go! - You have to.
Go.
Whoo! JORDAN LAUGHS
I think this is going to be the best Christmas ever.
Thank God the robot war's over.
Come on. There we go!
ROCK BALLAD
Mmm, mmm...
I love you guys.