1 00:00:02,560 --> 00:00:03,920 CREAKING, HE GASPS 2 00:00:33,520 --> 00:00:34,960 JORDAN SCREECHES 3 00:00:36,640 --> 00:00:38,240 HE WAILS 4 00:00:43,120 --> 00:00:44,680 WAILING CONTINUES 5 00:00:46,480 --> 00:00:48,000 HE GRUMBLES 6 00:00:50,200 --> 00:00:51,520 My hair...! 7 00:00:55,040 --> 00:00:56,360 CALLUM GROANS 8 00:00:56,360 --> 00:00:58,760 Jordan! 9 00:00:58,760 --> 00:01:00,000 Jordan. 10 00:01:01,920 --> 00:01:03,800 Jordan? 11 00:01:03,800 --> 00:01:08,480 I'm...just...trying to get a bit of sleep, Jordan! 12 00:01:33,560 --> 00:01:37,960 Yes, this would be your en suite and then a single bed. 13 00:01:37,960 --> 00:01:41,320 I didn't think YOU'D need more than that. 14 00:01:41,320 --> 00:01:46,040 It does get very hot in the summer - a real heat trap. 15 00:01:46,040 --> 00:01:47,640 And I am, er... 16 00:01:47,640 --> 00:01:50,040 ..legally obliged to say that, erm... 17 00:01:50,040 --> 00:01:53,120 ..the owner is on a certain... register. 18 00:01:53,120 --> 00:01:55,760 And, er... I don't mean falsetto. 19 00:01:58,320 --> 00:01:59,680 No! 20 00:02:01,000 --> 00:02:03,800 - Is she quiet, at least? - Oh, she's so quiet! 21 00:02:03,800 --> 00:02:06,480 You wouldn't even hear her coming up behind you. 22 00:02:08,600 --> 00:02:10,600 I'll take it. 23 00:02:10,600 --> 00:02:13,680 1,200 a month and a £65 admin fee. 24 00:02:13,680 --> 00:02:15,000 Oh, God...! 25 00:02:16,400 --> 00:02:17,640 Ohh! 26 00:02:17,640 --> 00:02:22,280 - God has a plan, Callum Brown. - HE SIGHS DEEPLY 27 00:02:22,280 --> 00:02:26,920 And sometimes, that plan is to be a homeless. 28 00:02:47,120 --> 00:02:49,040 Ballymacbot Wars. 29 00:02:56,360 --> 00:02:58,400 Oh, fucking hell! 30 00:03:01,720 --> 00:03:05,040 Competitive robot combat is one of the last ways 31 00:03:05,040 --> 00:03:07,480 a young man can make an honest living in this world. 32 00:03:07,480 --> 00:03:08,760 And sooner or later, 33 00:03:08,760 --> 00:03:13,080 even competitive robots will be controlled by actual robots. 34 00:03:13,080 --> 00:03:15,160 So let's make use of one of the last human ventures 35 00:03:15,160 --> 00:03:18,680 while we still can, eh? Ballymacbot Wars. 36 00:03:18,680 --> 00:03:21,440 I never have been a great one for the concept of war, sham. 37 00:03:21,440 --> 00:03:23,600 Lorcan, don't tell me you've never wanted to fight robots. 38 00:03:23,600 --> 00:03:26,440 We've discussed it many times late into the night, mister. 39 00:03:26,440 --> 00:03:29,240 - That was enjoyable pillow talk, I have to say. - Mm-hm. 40 00:03:29,240 --> 00:03:31,960 And the rules stipulate we need a three-man team. 41 00:03:31,960 --> 00:03:34,120 So, Jordan, the amount of games that you play, 42 00:03:34,120 --> 00:03:37,000 - I know you'll be an amazing robot pilot. Won't he? - Mm-hm. 43 00:03:38,520 --> 00:03:40,400 Is someone hiding his Drizzy hairdo? 44 00:03:41,680 --> 00:03:44,120 OK. First off, I finally looked up a picture of Drake 45 00:03:44,120 --> 00:03:45,960 and we do not look the same, Callum. 46 00:03:47,600 --> 00:03:51,520 Secondly, I have no interest in playing silly robots with you guys. 47 00:03:51,520 --> 00:03:54,240 This is your biggest chance to show off your skills 48 00:03:54,240 --> 00:03:57,960 to the world this side of the E-gaming championship in Jing'pai. 49 00:03:57,960 --> 00:04:01,280 And what skills they are! You'd make a teenage boy blush. 50 00:04:02,480 --> 00:04:05,320 You' ain't the last of us, brother - you're the BEST of us. 51 00:04:06,400 --> 00:04:09,800 It'd be a shame to not let the world see those skills of yours. 52 00:04:09,800 --> 00:04:11,080 - Damn shame. - Yeah! 53 00:04:15,120 --> 00:04:17,200 You are the Champagne Papi, Jordan. 54 00:04:18,600 --> 00:04:20,800 The world ain't ready for me yet, guys. 55 00:04:27,280 --> 00:04:29,320 Gemma, do you want to be our robot pilot? 56 00:04:29,320 --> 00:04:31,040 What? And be your sloppy seconds? I... 57 00:04:31,040 --> 00:04:32,560 Gemma, do you want to do it or not? 58 00:04:32,560 --> 00:04:37,160 - Well, is it a mech suit? Can... Can I get in it? - No. 59 00:04:37,160 --> 00:04:40,000 You drive a hard bargain, Callum Brown. 60 00:04:40,000 --> 00:04:41,440 SHE CHUCKLES 61 00:04:41,440 --> 00:04:42,720 You son of a bitch... 62 00:04:43,840 --> 00:04:45,160 I'm in. 63 00:05:00,080 --> 00:05:01,840 This is a vacuum cleaner. 64 00:05:03,280 --> 00:05:06,880 Felled at the first hurdle. Onwards, Grainne! 65 00:05:08,440 --> 00:05:11,280 Do not waste my time with vacuum cleaners, folks. 66 00:05:11,280 --> 00:05:14,440 All right, son. These robots are something else. 67 00:05:14,440 --> 00:05:18,800 This is not a Rio de Janeiro cock fighting ring 68 00:05:18,800 --> 00:05:23,960 where the barrier to entry is simply having a small thing that moves. 69 00:05:23,960 --> 00:05:28,520 And I know that because I've ran those as well. Next! 70 00:05:29,560 --> 00:05:32,800 We would like to enlist in the upcoming bot wars, please. 71 00:05:32,800 --> 00:05:34,360 And your robot? 72 00:05:36,200 --> 00:05:39,640 I... It's still under development. Gemma here is our pilot. 73 00:05:39,640 --> 00:05:43,720 Yes, and I will be getting in the robot if possible. 74 00:05:43,720 --> 00:05:45,640 What's your role in all this? 75 00:05:45,640 --> 00:05:48,960 Well, I have an A* in Key Stage 3 Design and Tech. 76 00:05:48,960 --> 00:05:51,520 Bulbs, buzzers, bird-boxes... 77 00:05:51,520 --> 00:05:54,600 Well, you'll need to build a box, all right. 78 00:05:56,000 --> 00:05:58,200 A box to bury you in. 79 00:06:00,520 --> 00:06:04,840 - That's right - I'm part cyborg. - He's just like my granny...! 80 00:06:04,840 --> 00:06:07,080 Had my eye slapped out by a low-ranking 81 00:06:07,080 --> 00:06:09,440 house bot's pneumatic flipper. 82 00:06:09,440 --> 00:06:11,560 That eye was holding me back. 83 00:06:11,560 --> 00:06:15,360 Now I can see more clearly than ever. 84 00:06:25,080 --> 00:06:26,960 {\an8}I've also got a... 85 00:06:26,960 --> 00:06:29,200 {\an8}..robo cock extender 86 00:06:29,200 --> 00:06:32,480 that lengthens up to one inch above the UK average. 87 00:06:32,480 --> 00:06:36,920 And you're talking to me... You're talking to me about bird boxes?! 88 00:06:36,920 --> 00:06:41,600 This isn't Key Stage 3, this is Kill Stage 3! 89 00:06:41,600 --> 00:06:44,120 This is robots at war! 90 00:06:45,360 --> 00:06:48,480 But do you know what the most dangerous part 91 00:06:48,480 --> 00:06:51,240 of competitive robot combat is? 92 00:06:51,240 --> 00:06:52,640 Is it the pincers? 93 00:06:54,720 --> 00:06:56,840 Losing your humanity. 94 00:07:01,120 --> 00:07:03,040 What's your robot's name, then? 95 00:07:03,040 --> 00:07:05,120 Has Robbie the Robot already been taken? 96 00:07:06,720 --> 00:07:10,360 Yeehoo! Ooh - let's add a flame-thrower to its arse. 97 00:07:13,560 --> 00:07:16,000 Hey! Why is your robot on a leash? 98 00:07:16,000 --> 00:07:17,800 Cos it's a foul beast is what it is. 99 00:07:17,800 --> 00:07:20,080 It's got the combined power of 405 horses. 100 00:07:20,080 --> 00:07:21,360 Jesus! That's the same strength 101 00:07:21,360 --> 00:07:23,200 as a Massey Ferguson S-Series engine. 102 00:07:23,200 --> 00:07:25,960 That's exactly what it is, on top of a lawnmower. 103 00:07:25,960 --> 00:07:28,520 And this here's Fergal. He's our pilot. 104 00:07:28,520 --> 00:07:32,040 He drove tanks in Tiananmen, got his throat shot out by a sniper. 105 00:07:32,040 --> 00:07:35,360 HE SNARLS 106 00:07:32,040 --> 00:07:35,360 - QUIETLY: - Get the fuck off. 107 00:07:37,320 --> 00:07:41,160 They say a robot is made in the image of its creator. 108 00:07:41,160 --> 00:07:44,480 Is that why your schematics depict a big, massive fanny? 109 00:07:44,480 --> 00:07:47,040 Are you sure you want to enlist in a war of the robots 110 00:07:47,040 --> 00:07:48,200 with this hunk of junk? 111 00:07:48,200 --> 00:07:50,440 We aren't enlisting in the war of the robots. 112 00:07:52,600 --> 00:07:55,160 We're WINNING the war of the robots! 113 00:07:55,160 --> 00:07:57,960 That's right, and we're going to put an end to this damned conflict, 114 00:07:57,960 --> 00:08:00,760 - once and fer all. - You think you can hack the war of the robots? 115 00:08:00,760 --> 00:08:03,200 This ain't no Wall-E shit. This is going to get dark. 116 00:08:03,200 --> 00:08:04,680 Well, joke's on you, Frank, 117 00:08:04,680 --> 00:08:08,240 cos' Wall-E actually IS one of the darker Pixar movies. 118 00:08:09,720 --> 00:08:11,360 HE GROWLS 119 00:08:12,920 --> 00:08:14,600 Fergal, move! 120 00:08:17,600 --> 00:08:20,240 That fella scares the FUCK out of me, hai! 121 00:08:24,200 --> 00:08:25,520 Daddy! 122 00:08:28,000 --> 00:08:29,720 HE SCREAMS LOUDLY 123 00:08:37,040 --> 00:08:38,520 Fuck. 124 00:08:38,520 --> 00:08:40,080 SCREAMING CONTINUES 125 00:08:41,800 --> 00:08:43,760 HE SCREAMS AND THUDS 126 00:08:46,720 --> 00:08:48,280 HE SOBS 127 00:08:51,440 --> 00:08:53,080 SOBBING INTENSIFIES 128 00:09:07,280 --> 00:09:09,640 Fucking wee baldy cunt. 129 00:09:16,720 --> 00:09:20,120 VIDEO GAME: The most important part of being an assassin 130 00:09:20,120 --> 00:09:23,240 isn't the parkour or the hidden knife blade. 131 00:09:25,000 --> 00:09:28,000 The most important part is... 132 00:09:28,000 --> 00:09:31,080 ..being a good friend! 133 00:09:31,080 --> 00:09:33,400 Listen, Jordan, your friends need your help. 134 00:09:34,520 --> 00:09:36,880 They can't win this battle alone. 135 00:09:39,840 --> 00:09:41,200 Don the hood... 136 00:09:44,960 --> 00:09:46,680 ..hide your bald shame... 137 00:09:48,920 --> 00:09:50,840 ..do what you must to help. 138 00:09:53,000 --> 00:09:56,520 Run, for God's sake! Help them! 139 00:09:58,320 --> 00:09:59,600 Jordy? 140 00:10:01,920 --> 00:10:03,520 Jordy-bum? 141 00:10:05,000 --> 00:10:06,520 Ben? 142 00:10:06,520 --> 00:10:08,760 Ben, he... He's finally left the house! 143 00:10:17,800 --> 00:10:18,960 CALLUM GRUNTS 144 00:10:18,960 --> 00:10:21,360 Now, Callum, I know you're the chief designer, 145 00:10:21,360 --> 00:10:23,160 but if I am going to be piloting the thing 146 00:10:23,160 --> 00:10:25,720 - I really do think I should have a say. - OK... 147 00:10:25,720 --> 00:10:29,640 She's based on one of nature's most docile creatures - the slutty pig. 148 00:10:29,640 --> 00:10:31,240 Which, to be fair, it'll give it 149 00:10:31,240 --> 00:10:33,240 an element of surprise in the combat arena. 150 00:10:33,240 --> 00:10:35,560 Ooh! Flip her over, Lorcy. 151 00:10:36,560 --> 00:10:38,640 This is her little heart 152 00:10:38,640 --> 00:10:41,680 and that's just to remind us to hold on to our humanity. 153 00:10:41,680 --> 00:10:44,280 {\an8}What's this here at the...at the back? 154 00:10:44,280 --> 00:10:47,000 {\an8}Oh! That's her pussy. 155 00:10:47,000 --> 00:10:50,000 - It's going to shoot darts. - LORCAN IMITATES DARTS WHOOSHING 156 00:10:59,720 --> 00:11:01,720 Just one wee question for you, Gemma. 157 00:11:01,720 --> 00:11:05,120 Erm... How useful is it going to be when she's got a serrated pick-axe 158 00:11:05,120 --> 00:11:08,080 lodged in her skull and all she can do is shit pussy darts 159 00:11:08,080 --> 00:11:11,680 - onto the fucking floor?! - Don't talk about her like that, Cally. 160 00:11:11,680 --> 00:11:14,800 Hai, boy. Now I know you're tired, but neither our ears, 161 00:11:14,800 --> 00:11:17,440 nor the piggy's, deserve THAT kind of language. 162 00:11:17,440 --> 00:11:19,720 What goes on inside your head, Gemma? 163 00:11:19,720 --> 00:11:23,080 Do you have any idea how difficult that circuitry's going to be 164 00:11:23,080 --> 00:11:26,760 to get...to get darts to fly out of a fucking pig's pussy, Gemma? 165 00:11:26,760 --> 00:11:31,520 Robot wars is supposed to be fun, you sweaty-handed little prick! 166 00:11:31,520 --> 00:11:34,280 CALLUM YELLS 167 00:11:34,280 --> 00:11:36,400 Take all this silly, pointless shit away 168 00:11:36,400 --> 00:11:40,600 and build me a robot that fucking works! I'm the chief designer! 169 00:11:40,600 --> 00:11:45,520 I have not slept in over 350 hours! OK? Get to it! 170 00:11:54,240 --> 00:11:56,120 I want a fucking robot with a flipper! 171 00:11:56,120 --> 00:12:00,200 I want a fucking flip... I want a fucking flipper. Let's do a flipper! 172 00:12:07,040 --> 00:12:09,040 Let me hear it! Flip, flip, flip! 173 00:12:09,040 --> 00:12:11,680 - BOTH: - Flip, flip, flip, flip... - Flip, flip, flip! 174 00:12:11,680 --> 00:12:13,040 THEY ALL REPEAT 175 00:12:13,040 --> 00:12:15,440 Flip 'em, flip 'em, flip 'em, flip 'em... 176 00:12:18,440 --> 00:12:20,120 EAGLE CRIES DRAMATICALLY 177 00:12:34,520 --> 00:12:37,240 Now, I know we're in the middle of a robot war right now, 178 00:12:37,240 --> 00:12:40,240 but never forget this. This! 179 00:12:41,320 --> 00:12:44,200 It's the most powerful weapon you have. 180 00:12:44,200 --> 00:12:46,720 I know it's hard to hear right now in that sleepy head of yours, 181 00:12:46,720 --> 00:12:49,760 but you've got to keep listening, sham, for God's sake! 182 00:12:49,760 --> 00:12:52,920 It'll make itself heard sooner rather than later. 183 00:12:52,920 --> 00:12:57,960 Lorcan, do you know what happens when you go 350 hours without sleep? 184 00:13:00,160 --> 00:13:01,720 What's that, sham? 185 00:13:03,960 --> 00:13:08,200 The dreams inside your head start to leak out into reality! 186 00:13:08,200 --> 00:13:10,000 JORDAN SHRIEKS 187 00:13:10,000 --> 00:13:12,000 Wah! 188 00:13:12,000 --> 00:13:14,040 HIGH-PITCHED SHRIEK 189 00:13:15,320 --> 00:13:18,320 Are ye sure moving out of Jordan's is the answer, though? 190 00:13:18,320 --> 00:13:21,040 He'll be utterly devastated, so he will. 191 00:13:21,040 --> 00:13:23,000 Jordan will be fine. 192 00:13:23,000 --> 00:13:27,320 His hair will grow back and cover up that disgusting bald head of his! 193 00:13:27,320 --> 00:13:29,040 HE SOBS 194 00:13:30,440 --> 00:13:33,040 OBJECTS CLATTER 195 00:13:39,640 --> 00:13:41,200 Must've been a titmouse, hai. 196 00:13:42,640 --> 00:13:44,040 OWL HOOTS 197 00:13:45,040 --> 00:13:46,440 Jordan? 198 00:13:46,440 --> 00:13:49,080 Ye are not gonna believe... 199 00:13:53,720 --> 00:13:55,160 TENSE MUSIC 200 00:13:56,120 --> 00:13:59,240 Wha... The Illuminati? 201 00:13:59,240 --> 00:14:01,240 Oh, Jordan, what are you up to? 202 00:14:02,440 --> 00:14:04,280 JORDAN CHUCKLES 203 00:14:02,440 --> 00:14:04,280 Jordan! 204 00:14:04,280 --> 00:14:07,600 As long as there have been kings who have called themselves gods, 205 00:14:07,600 --> 00:14:10,000 phoneys who have called themselves friends, 206 00:14:10,000 --> 00:14:11,320 we have been there. 207 00:14:11,320 --> 00:14:12,680 In shadow. 208 00:14:12,680 --> 00:14:14,640 In SILENCE! 209 00:14:14,640 --> 00:14:18,320 OK. Jordan, your dad's told me that you left the house today, 210 00:14:18,320 --> 00:14:21,680 which is great, so we were wondering if you wanted to come to 211 00:14:21,680 --> 00:14:23,480 Ballymacbot Wars with us tomorrow. 212 00:14:23,480 --> 00:14:25,960 Bot wars, the French Revolution, 213 00:14:25,960 --> 00:14:28,280 the Crusades! 214 00:14:28,280 --> 00:14:29,960 It's all the same to me. 215 00:14:29,960 --> 00:14:31,480 Power breeds cruelty. 216 00:14:31,480 --> 00:14:33,320 A knife in the dark gifts... 217 00:14:34,400 --> 00:14:36,040 - WHISPERING SINISTERLY: - ..mercy. 218 00:14:37,720 --> 00:14:39,720 OK, Jordan, what's with all the... 219 00:14:41,360 --> 00:14:44,000 Oh J-Jor... Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. 220 00:14:44,000 --> 00:14:47,120 You know better than anyone we've all got secrets, Callum Brown! 221 00:14:47,120 --> 00:14:49,120 Jesus fucking Christ! 222 00:14:49,120 --> 00:14:51,040 Little surprises up our sleeve. 223 00:14:51,040 --> 00:14:53,040 CALLUM EXHALES SLOWLY 224 00:14:53,040 --> 00:14:55,440 - HE WHISPERS: - Some just hide it better than others. 225 00:14:58,120 --> 00:15:00,040 CALLUM GASPS 226 00:15:01,520 --> 00:15:03,360 Ssssss! 227 00:15:05,680 --> 00:15:07,680 Jordan... 228 00:15:07,680 --> 00:15:09,520 Jordan! 229 00:15:10,720 --> 00:15:12,520 - WEAKLY: - Oh, oh, oh... 230 00:15:13,480 --> 00:15:16,080 Ah... argh! 231 00:15:18,000 --> 00:15:20,720 What are you doing?! 232 00:15:20,720 --> 00:15:22,760 JORDAN PANTS AND WHIMPERS 233 00:15:22,760 --> 00:15:26,000 SWEEPING ORCHESTRAL MUSIC 234 00:15:39,600 --> 00:15:41,240 Guys, I am so tired. 235 00:15:41,240 --> 00:15:44,640 I-I can't actually tell if it was a dream or a nightmare, 236 00:15:44,640 --> 00:15:46,880 but I-I'm pretty sure Jordan tried to open my throat 237 00:15:46,880 --> 00:15:48,920 with a butter knife last night. 238 00:15:49,880 --> 00:15:53,920 I think it was a real wake-up call that I need to be a better friend. 239 00:15:53,920 --> 00:15:56,720 We knew you'd wake up to that one sooner rather than later, sham. 240 00:15:56,720 --> 00:15:58,640 Oh, come on. 241 00:15:58,640 --> 00:16:01,280 - There we go. Easy, slugger... - Get that coffee into you. 242 00:16:01,280 --> 00:16:02,960 Easy. Aw. 243 00:16:02,960 --> 00:16:05,920 This war's taking its friggin' toll on me, Gem. 244 00:16:05,920 --> 00:16:08,360 Even if you're having a mare, 245 00:16:08,360 --> 00:16:11,400 know your friends will always be there. 246 00:16:11,400 --> 00:16:13,320 It's a quote from Wall-E. 247 00:16:14,400 --> 00:16:15,880 Mmm! 248 00:16:15,880 --> 00:16:17,960 Oh... 249 00:16:17,960 --> 00:16:20,480 Efficient design, sleek. 250 00:16:20,480 --> 00:16:22,160 And look at that. 251 00:16:22,160 --> 00:16:24,360 The most important part. 252 00:16:24,360 --> 00:16:27,520 Its heart is in exactly the right place, 253 00:16:27,520 --> 00:16:30,000 anatomically speaking, of course. 254 00:16:30,000 --> 00:16:32,800 Prepare your robot for lethal engagement! 255 00:16:32,800 --> 00:16:36,240 Excuse me, boss. Er, where's all the other bots? 256 00:16:36,240 --> 00:16:38,520 Oh, there's only one other team this year 257 00:16:38,520 --> 00:16:41,000 and I've just disqualified their pilot. 258 00:16:41,000 --> 00:16:43,360 If I haven't found another in one minute 259 00:16:43,360 --> 00:16:45,760 it's an automatic win for Robbie, 260 00:16:45,760 --> 00:16:51,040 and a very, very sad day for those who enjoy metal-on-metal violence. 261 00:16:54,320 --> 00:16:57,800 Guys, I was looking it up and a hair-plug procedure in Turkey 262 00:16:57,800 --> 00:16:59,320 costs a couple of grand. 263 00:16:59,320 --> 00:17:02,640 We'll have another grand left over for two return flights. 264 00:17:02,640 --> 00:17:06,000 Why don't we take the money and use it to get Jordan his hair back? 265 00:17:06,000 --> 00:17:08,320 And, Gemma, you can see the Adriatic Sea 266 00:17:08,320 --> 00:17:10,240 like you've always dreamed. 267 00:17:10,240 --> 00:17:11,600 I can get my tits done! 268 00:17:11,600 --> 00:17:14,320 Well, I think that'd be an outcome we could all be happy with. 269 00:17:14,320 --> 00:17:16,440 Let's do it for Jordan! 270 00:17:18,720 --> 00:17:20,520 DRAMATIC MUSIC 271 00:17:22,640 --> 00:17:23,720 Jordan... 272 00:17:34,200 --> 00:17:35,720 What the fuck? 273 00:17:35,720 --> 00:17:37,280 He's on my da's team? 274 00:17:39,520 --> 00:17:41,320 Oh, look who it is. 275 00:17:41,320 --> 00:17:44,680 Dick, Dom and the Bungle-hoe. 276 00:17:44,680 --> 00:17:46,440 What the hell? So rude. 277 00:17:46,440 --> 00:17:48,000 Jordan, what the hell's going on? 278 00:17:48,000 --> 00:17:49,480 You wanted me at Ballymacbot Wars. 279 00:17:49,480 --> 00:17:51,080 Well, HERE I AM! 280 00:17:52,560 --> 00:17:55,440 Fergal was using performance-enhancing 281 00:17:55,440 --> 00:17:58,440 barbiturates. Nearly got us kicked out of the comp. 282 00:17:58,440 --> 00:18:01,320 Then I found this one bouncing around the farm. 283 00:18:01,320 --> 00:18:04,640 And who better to pilot a robot than a massive virgin? 284 00:18:04,640 --> 00:18:06,480 JORDAN HISSES 285 00:18:08,160 --> 00:18:10,760 Jordan, I know I've been acting like a self-obsessed 286 00:18:10,760 --> 00:18:12,760 tech billionaire recently, but... 287 00:18:12,760 --> 00:18:15,800 I know you're planning to use the money to leave me, Callum. 288 00:18:15,800 --> 00:18:18,840 God, you're always one step behind, aren't ye? 289 00:18:21,040 --> 00:18:23,800 TENSE MUSIC 290 00:18:23,800 --> 00:18:28,320 Pilots, to your corners! 291 00:18:28,320 --> 00:18:29,720 JORDAN GIGGLES 292 00:18:29,720 --> 00:18:30,920 Ooh! 293 00:18:36,640 --> 00:18:38,880 Robot ready? 294 00:18:38,880 --> 00:18:41,040 Yeah, ha-ha! 295 00:18:41,040 --> 00:18:43,240 Robot ready? 296 00:18:43,240 --> 00:18:46,600 I'm rippin' that hood off if you don't win. 297 00:18:46,600 --> 00:18:48,560 - Come on, Jordy. - Come on, boys. 298 00:18:48,560 --> 00:18:51,120 Robots...fighhhht! 299 00:18:51,120 --> 00:18:52,360 FAST-PACED HEAVY METAL MUSIC 300 00:18:52,360 --> 00:18:53,760 No, you got it, you got it, you got it. 301 00:18:53,760 --> 00:18:56,960 - Go, Gemma, go! - Can you not reverse it, no? - AHHHHH! 302 00:18:56,960 --> 00:18:58,640 - Huh? - No use. 303 00:18:58,640 --> 00:19:00,480 You've got this! 304 00:19:00,480 --> 00:19:03,000 Lorcy, where's the pussy-dart button? 305 00:19:03,000 --> 00:19:05,080 We don't have one, Gemma. 306 00:19:05,080 --> 00:19:06,600 Go on! 307 00:19:06,600 --> 00:19:09,200 - Go on, Gemma. Come on. - This is what I live for. 308 00:19:09,200 --> 00:19:10,360 Go on, Robbie! 309 00:19:10,360 --> 00:19:12,560 - Go and get it! - I'm trying! - Come on. 310 00:19:12,560 --> 00:19:15,000 Move it, you stupid Humpty-Dumpty-lookin' fucker. 311 00:19:15,000 --> 00:19:17,640 - Come on. - Aye, you look like a dick. - Silly little boy! 312 00:19:17,640 --> 00:19:19,960 - Yeah, you big puss, Jordan! - Fuck him up, Gemma! 313 00:19:19,960 --> 00:19:23,280 - Yeah fuck him uuuup! - You don't even know what you're doing, hai! 314 00:19:23,280 --> 00:19:25,680 What is our attack? What does this robot do? 315 00:19:25,680 --> 00:19:28,000 It's a lawnmower, Jesus. Mow the cunt! 316 00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:29,080 Oh... 317 00:19:29,080 --> 00:19:32,320 - Ahhhh! - Flip, flip, flip, flip, flip, flip, flip, flip, flip, flip... 318 00:19:32,320 --> 00:19:34,280 - You betrayed me, Callum! - Arrrggghhh! 319 00:19:34,280 --> 00:19:35,960 - Flip, flip, flip, flip, flip... - Arrrggghhh! 320 00:19:35,960 --> 00:19:37,440 YOU BETRAYED ME! 321 00:19:37,440 --> 00:19:38,840 Go. Go! 322 00:19:38,840 --> 00:19:40,720 Oh, fuck me, they've both went over! 323 00:19:40,720 --> 00:19:42,080 It might be a draw, hai. 324 00:19:42,080 --> 00:19:43,960 - Oh! - Argh, aaargh! 325 00:19:43,960 --> 00:19:47,000 Come on, come on, come on, come on! 326 00:19:48,600 --> 00:19:51,240 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 327 00:19:54,480 --> 00:19:56,880 Robbie wins! 328 00:19:59,080 --> 00:20:00,680 THEY LAUGH AND CHEER 329 00:20:00,680 --> 00:20:02,440 C'mere, you! 330 00:20:02,440 --> 00:20:04,440 Ah, ha-ha, ha-ha! 331 00:20:04,440 --> 00:20:06,720 Whoo! 332 00:20:04,440 --> 00:20:06,720 CHEERING STOPS 333 00:20:06,720 --> 00:20:10,040 - Get him, get him! - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! - Bastard! 334 00:20:10,040 --> 00:20:11,760 Get him! 335 00:20:13,200 --> 00:20:14,840 - Ahhh! - Oh... 336 00:20:14,840 --> 00:20:17,040 GASPS 337 00:20:14,840 --> 00:20:17,040 Jesus. 338 00:20:27,800 --> 00:20:29,120 Argh! 339 00:20:29,120 --> 00:20:31,600 Ha-ha! 340 00:20:31,600 --> 00:20:33,800 It's not regulation, 341 00:20:33,800 --> 00:20:36,040 but I think I'll allow it. 342 00:20:36,040 --> 00:20:38,560 # And if you just fall... # 343 00:20:38,560 --> 00:20:40,360 - Ahhh! - Jordan! 344 00:20:40,360 --> 00:20:41,840 Get away! 345 00:20:41,840 --> 00:20:42,920 Get it away from me! 346 00:20:42,920 --> 00:20:45,960 Rollin' around like a big boneless worm! 347 00:20:47,240 --> 00:20:49,680 HE SCREAMS 348 00:20:49,680 --> 00:20:51,920 Argh! It's going to eat me! It's going to eat me! 349 00:20:51,920 --> 00:20:53,720 ARNOLD CHUCKLES 350 00:20:54,880 --> 00:20:56,440 JORDAN SCREAMS 351 00:20:56,440 --> 00:20:59,960 # I'll never just disappear 352 00:20:59,960 --> 00:21:03,160 # I'm always here to lend an ear... # 353 00:21:04,400 --> 00:21:07,080 Well, let me just say I think it was very mature of you 354 00:21:07,080 --> 00:21:10,440 to let Lorcan and Gemma go on that Turkey holiday instead, my man. 355 00:21:10,440 --> 00:21:11,840 Nah, I didn't deserve it. 356 00:21:11,840 --> 00:21:14,000 Plus, Lorcan made the decision easy when he offered me 357 00:21:14,000 --> 00:21:15,520 a clump of his Boggin's mane. 358 00:21:15,520 --> 00:21:17,320 It was a win-win, really. 359 00:21:17,320 --> 00:21:20,200 Mm. Yeah, you look like prime Bobby Charlton, my man. 360 00:21:20,200 --> 00:21:21,800 LORCAN CHUCKLES 361 00:21:21,800 --> 00:21:23,600 - Oh... - Oh, speak of the devil. 362 00:21:23,600 --> 00:21:25,760 Oh, boob-job alert! 363 00:21:23,600 --> 00:21:25,760 THEY LAUGH 364 00:21:25,760 --> 00:21:27,600 No, I didn't get one in the end. I actually, er... 365 00:21:27,600 --> 00:21:28,720 I went for something else. 366 00:21:28,720 --> 00:21:30,720 I'm not sure if you've noticed. 367 00:21:30,720 --> 00:21:33,800 Oh. Yeah, they did a really good job there, Gemma. 368 00:21:33,800 --> 00:21:36,200 Yeah, well, they had incredibly professional facilities, Callum. 369 00:21:36,200 --> 00:21:38,000 What can I sa? 370 00:21:38,000 --> 00:21:40,520 I'll tell ye, we're all lookin' like quite the picture these days. 371 00:21:40,520 --> 00:21:43,480 A regular bunch of magazine models, if I do say so myself. 372 00:21:43,480 --> 00:21:44,760 You can say that again. 373 00:21:44,760 --> 00:21:46,760 We practically look like twins, Lorcan. 374 00:21:46,760 --> 00:21:49,080 Oh, my God. You do! 375 00:21:46,760 --> 00:21:49,080 LAUGHTER 376 00:21:49,080 --> 00:21:51,040 Hey, Cally, you're also looking pretty fresh. 377 00:21:51,040 --> 00:21:52,920 - Ach! - Did you finally get some sleep? 378 00:21:52,920 --> 00:21:55,600 I actually think it was the guilt of betraying Jordan that kept me up 379 00:21:55,600 --> 00:21:58,600 at night, just as much as his screaming bloody night terrors. 380 00:21:58,600 --> 00:22:01,240 Now, with a clear conscience, I'm back to my usual 381 00:22:01,240 --> 00:22:05,400 four to five hours of slightly restless, scattered REM sleep, 382 00:22:05,400 --> 00:22:08,680 with an occasional wet dream thrown in for good measure. 383 00:22:08,680 --> 00:22:11,240 Just what the doctor flippin' ordered! 384 00:22:11,240 --> 00:22:13,760 I love sleeping with you, Callum. 385 00:22:13,760 --> 00:22:16,600 I love sleeping in the same room as you, too, Jordan. 386 00:22:19,800 --> 00:22:21,040 When are you going to tell them? 387 00:22:22,160 --> 00:22:24,080 HE MUTTERS 388 00:22:22,160 --> 00:22:24,080 Shhh. 389 00:22:24,080 --> 00:22:26,120 They're going to find out eventually. 390 00:22:26,120 --> 00:22:27,400 They might not, hai. 391 00:22:27,400 --> 00:22:29,360 Lorcy... 392 00:22:29,360 --> 00:22:31,040 ..they're going to find out 393 00:22:33,840 --> 00:22:36,480 Let's just leave that one for another day, hai? 394 00:22:36,480 --> 00:22:38,000 Come on. 395 00:22:39,240 --> 00:22:41,400 - Come on in. - Who wants pizza? Pizza! 396 00:22:41,400 --> 00:22:43,200 LAUGHTER 397 00:22:43,200 --> 00:22:44,600 That's all we've got for you, Gemma. 398 00:22:44,600 --> 00:22:46,640 THEY LAUGH 399 00:22:44,600 --> 00:22:46,640 Have a bite. 400 00:22:46,640 --> 00:22:48,440 OK. 401 00:22:48,440 --> 00:22:50,560 {\an8}These are good peps. Hm. 402 00:22:50,560 --> 00:22:52,400 {\an8}It does feel a little bit weird when I eat, to be fair. 403 00:22:52,400 --> 00:22:54,920 Guys, do you think a girl will ever kiss me again with this hair? 404 00:22:56,000 --> 00:22:58,360 Let me tell you from experience... 405 00:22:58,360 --> 00:23:00,640 - ..yes. - Yes, she will. 406 00:23:00,640 --> 00:23:02,320 - Oh, oh... - Oh! 407 00:23:02,320 --> 00:23:03,560 LAUGHTER 408 00:23:03,560 --> 00:23:05,280 How do you feel about that, Lorcan? 409 00:23:05,280 --> 00:23:07,880 - Oh, yeah, go on! - Lorcan! Give him one, too! 410 00:23:07,880 --> 00:23:09,960 - Nah... - Ah, Callum. - Go, go! - You have to. 411 00:23:09,960 --> 00:23:11,640 Go. 412 00:23:11,640 --> 00:23:13,880 Whoo! 413 00:23:11,640 --> 00:23:13,880 JORDAN LAUGHS 414 00:23:13,880 --> 00:23:16,440 I think this is going to be the best Christmas ever. 415 00:23:16,440 --> 00:23:18,800 Thank God the robot war's over. 416 00:23:18,800 --> 00:23:20,560 Come on. There we go! 417 00:23:20,560 --> 00:23:22,480 ROCK BALLAD 418 00:23:22,480 --> 00:23:24,240 Mmm, mmm... 419 00:23:27,960 --> 00:23:29,720 I love you guys.