1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 3 00:00:09,760 --> 00:00:12,429 ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, Clayburn Cox. 4 00:00:12,471 --> 00:00:14,932 [AUDIENCE CHEERING] 5 00:00:28,529 --> 00:00:30,822 - Okay, hmm. - [AUDIENCE CHUCKLES] 6 00:00:30,864 --> 00:00:34,326 I grew up as an only child. So for 18 years of my life, 7 00:00:34,368 --> 00:00:36,370 I did not know how to share anything. 8 00:00:36,411 --> 00:00:37,955 I don't know how to share things. 9 00:00:37,996 --> 00:00:40,874 And so I moved to Auburn, Alabama. I went to college, 10 00:00:40,916 --> 00:00:42,501 and I had roommates. 11 00:00:42,543 --> 00:00:45,212 So all of a sudden I had to go from sharing absolutely nothing 12 00:00:45,254 --> 00:00:48,006 to sharing everything instantly. 13 00:00:48,048 --> 00:00:49,675 You see how that could be a problem? 14 00:00:49,716 --> 00:00:51,718 Do you see how that's a difficult struggle for me? 15 00:00:51,760 --> 00:00:54,054 Okay. So we had to share a bathroom. 16 00:00:54,096 --> 00:00:57,516 I went from sharing nothing to sharing a bathroom with a stranger. 17 00:00:57,558 --> 00:00:59,351 So we had two toothbrush cups. 18 00:00:59,393 --> 00:01:03,146 I had an orange toothbrush cup, and he had a blue toothbrush cup. 19 00:01:03,188 --> 00:01:05,274 And I kept my toothbrush in my toothbrush cup, 20 00:01:05,315 --> 00:01:09,069 and he kept his toothbrush in his toothbrush cup, and that's how we liked it. 21 00:01:09,111 --> 00:01:11,905 So one time I walked in the house, 22 00:01:11,947 --> 00:01:15,617 and he had taken his toothbrush and put it in my toothbrush cup. 23 00:01:15,659 --> 00:01:19,496 What the heck is that? That's not how I live my life. 24 00:01:19,538 --> 00:01:22,583 So I got a Post-it note, and I wrote, 25 00:01:22,624 --> 00:01:26,587 "Dear sir, my toothbrush is vastly superior to your toothbrush. 26 00:01:26,628 --> 00:01:29,339 "Please kindly remove your toothbrush from my toothbrush cup." 27 00:01:29,381 --> 00:01:32,301 And I put it up on the mirror, and I thought that'll settle the matter, right? 28 00:01:32,342 --> 00:01:34,678 - Well, no, it did not. - [AUDIENCE CHUCKLES] 29 00:01:34,720 --> 00:01:37,681 So that homeboy, he took down the Post-it note. 30 00:01:37,723 --> 00:01:41,727 and on the back he drew a picture of little muscular flexing arms. 31 00:01:41,768 --> 00:01:43,979 And then he taped them to his toothbrush, 32 00:01:44,021 --> 00:01:45,772 and he laid my toothbrush out flat, 33 00:01:45,814 --> 00:01:48,400 so it looked like his toothbrush had knocked out my toothbrush. 34 00:01:48,442 --> 00:01:49,484 [AUDIENCE CHUCKLES] 35 00:01:50,777 --> 00:01:52,779 So, no, you don't. 36 00:01:52,821 --> 00:01:57,618 Whenever he was gone, I took off the flexing, muscular arms 37 00:01:57,659 --> 00:02:02,247 and I taped on two little scrawny Q-tip arms onto his toothbrush, 38 00:02:02,289 --> 00:02:05,792 then I'd snap the Q-tips. What you gonna do now, homeboy? 39 00:02:05,834 --> 00:02:07,544 Well, I'll tell you what he did. 40 00:02:07,586 --> 00:02:10,589 He got dental floss, and he hung my toothbrush from the towel rack. 41 00:02:14,259 --> 00:02:18,055 So then I gave my toothbrush a sharp kitchen utensil, 42 00:02:18,096 --> 00:02:20,974 and I laid his toothbrush in a pool of ketchup, 43 00:02:21,016 --> 00:02:25,479 so it looked like my toothbrush had gone all mafia on his toothbrush. 44 00:02:25,521 --> 00:02:27,981 And then he stopped up the water in the sink, 45 00:02:28,023 --> 00:02:30,651 and he put my toothbrush face down in the water, 46 00:02:30,692 --> 00:02:33,111 and his toothbrush was just peering over the ledge. 47 00:02:34,029 --> 00:02:35,364 - So it looked like... - [CLAPS] 48 00:02:35,405 --> 00:02:37,157 his toothbr... Are you clapping for that? 49 00:02:37,199 --> 00:02:38,742 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 50 00:02:41,787 --> 00:02:43,664 MAN: And she only clapped for it. 51 00:02:46,083 --> 00:02:47,459 Nobody asked you anything. 52 00:02:50,796 --> 00:02:54,633 So then I started up a Facebook page for my toothbrush, 53 00:02:54,675 --> 00:02:57,469 and I did not put his toothbrush on any form of social media, 54 00:02:57,511 --> 00:03:00,055 so it looked like his toothbrush didn't even have a life. 55 00:03:00,097 --> 00:03:02,391 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 56 00:03:02,432 --> 00:03:06,854 So okay, I've been a schoolteacher for 22 years now. 57 00:03:06,895 --> 00:03:10,232 19 years ago, there was a kid in the back of my class named Josh 58 00:03:10,274 --> 00:03:11,650 because, of course, it was Josh 59 00:03:11,692 --> 00:03:15,821 and he's a successful engineer now, which I hate. 60 00:03:15,863 --> 00:03:18,699 So Josh, he raised his hand in the back of the classroom and he said, 61 00:03:18,740 --> 00:03:22,244 "Mr. Cox, do you like the vegetable corn? Do you like to eat corn?" 62 00:03:22,286 --> 00:03:23,871 I was like, "No, I don't like corn." 63 00:03:23,912 --> 00:03:25,539 He said, "Why don't you like it?" 64 00:03:25,581 --> 00:03:28,917 And I said, "I don't like the taste or the texture of corn. 65 00:03:28,959 --> 00:03:30,794 And he said, "Hmm. Okay." 66 00:03:30,836 --> 00:03:33,213 And then he sat there and talked about nothing but corn for like an hour. 67 00:03:35,174 --> 00:03:37,926 So this bothered me more than you could know. 68 00:03:37,968 --> 00:03:40,012 Something about it, it just didn't sit right. 69 00:03:40,053 --> 00:03:42,598 Well, the next day, him and his table of friends 70 00:03:42,639 --> 00:03:47,019 talked exclusively about corn for the 96-minute block class. 71 00:03:47,060 --> 00:03:48,896 And they would ask dumb stuff. They'd say, 72 00:03:48,937 --> 00:03:52,524 "Who's your favorite general in world history? Is it General Cornwallis?" 73 00:03:53,859 --> 00:03:55,444 That's stupid. 74 00:03:55,485 --> 00:03:59,198 So then, they... I teach them to use Photoshop. That's my thing. 75 00:03:59,239 --> 00:04:01,825 And so I told them to use Photoshop, 76 00:04:01,867 --> 00:04:03,869 and this one girl took a picture of me 77 00:04:03,911 --> 00:04:06,413 and she replaced my head with an ear of corn. 78 00:04:06,455 --> 00:04:08,373 And then she typed out "Corn on the Cox." 79 00:04:12,127 --> 00:04:14,713 And one kid took a picture of me and in photoshop... 80 00:04:14,755 --> 00:04:17,633 Okay. Did you know there's a hairdo called cornrows? 81 00:04:17,674 --> 00:04:19,551 Did you know this? That's a thing. 82 00:04:19,593 --> 00:04:22,095 In Photoshop they gave me literal cornrows. 83 00:04:22,137 --> 00:04:25,474 It looks like I had cornrows of... head. 84 00:04:25,516 --> 00:04:28,185 Does this... Do you understand... 85 00:04:30,521 --> 00:04:32,856 It sounds like a band named Cornrows of Head. 86 00:04:34,483 --> 00:04:37,152 One time I walked out on the front porch of my house, 87 00:04:37,194 --> 00:04:41,240 where I live with my family, and there's a dang ear of corn on my doormat, 88 00:04:41,281 --> 00:04:42,991 and there's a message beside it. 89 00:04:43,033 --> 00:04:44,701 It said, "This is just the beginning." 90 00:04:44,743 --> 00:04:48,747 How do they know... where I live? 91 00:04:48,789 --> 00:04:51,583 And so then, one time, I was... 92 00:04:51,625 --> 00:04:54,294 Morning after morning, there was a fresh ear of corn. 93 00:04:54,336 --> 00:04:56,088 Sometimes there would be an ear of corn. 94 00:04:56,129 --> 00:04:57,923 Sometimes there would be a can of corn. 95 00:04:57,965 --> 00:04:59,466 Sometimes they would bring chalk, 96 00:04:59,508 --> 00:05:01,718 and they would draw corn on my driveway. 97 00:05:01,760 --> 00:05:03,470 And sometimes they would put it in my mailbox. 98 00:05:03,512 --> 00:05:06,306 Sometimes they would hang it from my basketball goal in the bag. 99 00:05:06,348 --> 00:05:09,184 So many things. So I emailed the principal where I work, 100 00:05:09,226 --> 00:05:10,811 and I said, "Just so you know, 101 00:05:10,853 --> 00:05:15,482 "the teenagers are bringing corn to my house all the time." 102 00:05:15,524 --> 00:05:18,235 And then he said... He emailed back, and he said, 103 00:05:18,277 --> 00:05:20,529 "Mr. Cox, I don't care what the teenagers say. 104 00:05:20,571 --> 00:05:24,575 "Out of all the teachers here, I think you're probably the cream of the crop." 105 00:05:24,616 --> 00:05:26,243 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CLAPPING] 106 00:05:28,996 --> 00:05:30,330 You're clapping for that? 107 00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:34,251 [WOMAN LAUGHING] 108 00:05:37,379 --> 00:05:40,090 Yeah, What kind of humanity was that? 109 00:05:40,132 --> 00:05:42,092 One time I went to the grocery store, 110 00:05:42,134 --> 00:05:45,262 and I wanted two things in the world, I wanted cocoa puffs and peace. 111 00:05:45,304 --> 00:05:47,222 That's all that I wanted. 112 00:05:47,264 --> 00:05:51,351 So I was going to the cashier, and when I was checking out, her phone rang. 113 00:05:51,393 --> 00:05:54,438 Did you know that they have phones? The cashiers, they do. 114 00:05:54,479 --> 00:05:58,066 So she picked up her phone, and she looked over at me, and she nodded her head. 115 00:05:58,108 --> 00:06:01,987 And she hung up. She said, "I think you forgot your corn." Who called you just now? 116 00:06:03,947 --> 00:06:05,866 One time I went to the swimming pool 117 00:06:05,908 --> 00:06:07,868 and there were six humans in that pool. 118 00:06:07,910 --> 00:06:12,456 Me and two of my children and three strangers I've never seen in my life. 119 00:06:12,497 --> 00:06:15,042 And across the pool, one of those strangers yells, 120 00:06:15,083 --> 00:06:16,877 - "Corn!" Who even are you? - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 121 00:06:16,919 --> 00:06:19,630 It was a one-word conversation with a stranger. 122 00:06:19,671 --> 00:06:21,298 One time, I'm not making this up, 123 00:06:21,340 --> 00:06:23,759 I went to watch a theatrical production. 124 00:06:23,800 --> 00:06:27,095 And somebody was handing out a bunch of programs 125 00:06:27,137 --> 00:06:29,640 to all the people saying respectful words to them, 126 00:06:29,681 --> 00:06:32,184 and they handed me one, and they just said "corn." 127 00:06:33,268 --> 00:06:35,103 One time for our anniversary, 128 00:06:35,145 --> 00:06:38,065 I took my wife to this very nice bougie restaurant, 129 00:06:38,106 --> 00:06:41,360 and it had, like a printed menu, a printed menu. 130 00:06:41,401 --> 00:06:44,446 And it said on the menu, "Dear Corn and Karen Cox. 131 00:06:45,656 --> 00:06:47,533 "We hope you have a cornderful evening." 132 00:06:47,574 --> 00:06:48,992 What is that? 133 00:06:49,034 --> 00:06:52,996 Who has... What authority figure at that bougie restaurant 134 00:06:53,038 --> 00:06:55,707 has the capacity to make something like this happen? 135 00:06:55,749 --> 00:06:57,417 By the way, my wife's name is Karen, 136 00:06:57,459 --> 00:07:00,712 but she's not a Karen, you know what I mean? 137 00:07:00,754 --> 00:07:03,215 So my wife, Karen, would like to thank your manager. 138 00:07:08,387 --> 00:07:11,265 If somebody watches this in 20 years, they won't know what that means. 139 00:07:11,306 --> 00:07:12,975 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 140 00:07:13,016 --> 00:07:17,855 One time I was in my classroom and I put my hand in my pocket... 141 00:07:17,896 --> 00:07:20,816 What the heck? There were kernels of corn down in my pocket. 142 00:07:20,858 --> 00:07:24,862 How is this even a thing? What is this? How does this even be a thing? 143 00:07:24,903 --> 00:07:27,698 One time they came to school and multiple children, 144 00:07:27,739 --> 00:07:31,410 multiple teenagers had made their own T-shirts, and they said "Corn Pappy". 145 00:07:31,451 --> 00:07:32,953 What does that mean? 146 00:07:32,995 --> 00:07:34,121 I don't know. 147 00:07:34,162 --> 00:07:35,706 Other teachers get gifts. 148 00:07:35,747 --> 00:07:39,585 They'll get like a gift card to Applebee's or to Starbucks. 149 00:07:39,626 --> 00:07:42,379 I like Applebee's. Great. They don't give... They give me... 150 00:07:42,421 --> 00:07:44,298 Literally, I'm wearing corn socks right now. 151 00:07:44,339 --> 00:07:46,425 - I am not making this up. So... - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 152 00:07:47,718 --> 00:07:49,052 They give me corn ties. 153 00:07:49,094 --> 00:07:51,138 They give me corn mugs. They give me all manner... 154 00:07:51,180 --> 00:07:53,557 They give me corn candles. There are so many... 155 00:07:53,599 --> 00:07:56,685 There's a shrine to corn in my classroom. 156 00:07:57,978 --> 00:08:00,355 So here's what happened. 157 00:08:01,565 --> 00:08:03,942 So I told this story, 158 00:08:03,984 --> 00:08:07,779 and a girl from our school, she recorded me telling it, 159 00:08:07,821 --> 00:08:11,283 and she put it onto social media, onto the TikTok. 160 00:08:11,325 --> 00:08:15,537 It's kind of like, uh... It's kind of like Facebook for young people. 161 00:08:15,579 --> 00:08:17,247 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 162 00:08:17,289 --> 00:08:19,875 And we didn't know what would happen. 163 00:08:19,917 --> 00:08:21,293 Well, here's what did happen. 164 00:08:21,335 --> 00:08:24,254 25 million people saw it. That's what happened. 165 00:08:24,296 --> 00:08:28,884 So all of a sudden it went from it being Auburn, Alabama knows I don't like corn, 166 00:08:30,093 --> 00:08:32,804 to the world knows I don't like corn. 167 00:08:32,846 --> 00:08:37,809 I was bombarded with everything related to corn. 168 00:08:37,851 --> 00:08:39,436 I got corn messages. 169 00:08:39,478 --> 00:08:44,149 I got facts and information that I did not care about. 170 00:08:44,191 --> 00:08:46,485 I got photographs of the vegetable 171 00:08:46,527 --> 00:08:48,737 and the context of the vegetable. 172 00:08:48,779 --> 00:08:51,198 Someone subscribed me to an email list 173 00:08:51,240 --> 00:08:53,158 for the National Corn Farmers Association. 174 00:08:54,952 --> 00:08:56,578 So many things. 175 00:08:56,620 --> 00:09:00,082 Someone sent me, to my mailbox, a T-shirt... It was from Texas. 176 00:09:00,123 --> 00:09:02,251 it didn't even have a name on it or a message or anything. 177 00:09:02,292 --> 00:09:06,129 It was just a picture of corn. And it said "A big lump with knobs. It's got the juice." 178 00:09:06,171 --> 00:09:08,215 Who sent that? I have no idea. 179 00:09:08,257 --> 00:09:10,509 I will never know. It is so many things. 180 00:09:10,551 --> 00:09:14,137 So after the show, I don't really care what you do or don't say about the stories. 181 00:09:14,179 --> 00:09:17,349 But if you say that one of my jokes is corny, I'll slap you. 182 00:09:17,391 --> 00:09:19,268 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 183 00:09:20,561 --> 00:09:24,690 So, uh, my wife is actually, um, right back... 184 00:09:24,731 --> 00:09:26,358 Let's see, there's my wife right there. 185 00:09:26,400 --> 00:09:29,319 She's a wonderful lady. She's beautiful. 186 00:09:29,361 --> 00:09:32,573 And she's better than me in every way. Um... 187 00:09:32,614 --> 00:09:35,617 But the one kind of weird thing she does is, uh, 188 00:09:35,659 --> 00:09:39,121 sometimes she asks me questions at night that I can't prepare for. 189 00:09:39,162 --> 00:09:42,875 - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - So the other night she goes, 190 00:09:42,916 --> 00:09:46,545 "Clayburn, would you still love me if I had a third eye?" 191 00:09:49,256 --> 00:09:50,883 I said, "Sweetheart, you know I love you, 192 00:09:50,924 --> 00:09:53,719 "but we cannot afford that kind of surgery right now." 193 00:09:53,760 --> 00:09:55,512 - [AUDIENCE CHUCKLES] - [CLAPS] 194 00:09:57,973 --> 00:10:00,350 One guy clapped once. What is that? 195 00:10:02,769 --> 00:10:05,606 It comes across as a threat when you do it like that. 196 00:10:07,107 --> 00:10:09,776 That's not how our American culture does it. Like... 197 00:10:11,486 --> 00:10:15,157 So, uh, just to reinforce how much I love my wife, I decide... 198 00:10:15,199 --> 00:10:17,242 Oh, somebody's taking a picture. Let's do this right. 199 00:10:23,665 --> 00:10:25,918 Point and shoot. That was a very elongated picture. 200 00:10:25,959 --> 00:10:28,253 Like, what's taking you so long? 201 00:10:29,963 --> 00:10:31,548 Somebody got an eyeful back there. 202 00:10:34,092 --> 00:10:37,804 So to reinforce how much I love my wife, I decided to write her a little song. 203 00:10:37,846 --> 00:10:41,600 I'm just gonna go get the guitar and be right back and do a little thing. Okay? 204 00:10:41,642 --> 00:10:44,269 [AUDIENCE WHISTLES, APPLAUDING] 205 00:10:55,989 --> 00:10:57,783 [AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING] 206 00:10:58,659 --> 00:11:00,118 [LAUGHING] 207 00:11:03,121 --> 00:11:04,414 This is for my wife. 208 00:11:08,585 --> 00:11:14,383 ♪ I would love you If you had a third eye 209 00:11:16,260 --> 00:11:20,180 ♪ It'd be cool to watch you cry 210 00:11:23,267 --> 00:11:30,232 ♪ I'd still think You were beautiful 211 00:11:30,274 --> 00:11:34,319 ♪ As I stared into your tri ♪ 212 00:11:35,362 --> 00:11:37,281 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 213 00:11:42,870 --> 00:11:44,663 [CHEERING] 214 00:11:47,958 --> 00:11:50,294 The guy in the back knows how to clap now. So... 215 00:11:50,335 --> 00:11:51,837 [AUDIENCE CHUCKLES] 216 00:11:51,879 --> 00:11:54,006 Okay, here's the thing. 217 00:11:54,047 --> 00:11:57,426 I grew up in Ragland, Alabama. It's a very small town, and we don't have a lot to... 218 00:11:57,467 --> 00:12:00,179 There's no spoon-fed entertainment, right? 219 00:12:00,220 --> 00:12:04,183 And so if we want to have fun, we have to make fun. 220 00:12:04,224 --> 00:12:09,771 And so, um, my cousins went to this outdoor auction, and before it started, 221 00:12:09,813 --> 00:12:12,649 there was a lady that was standing around the side. 222 00:12:12,691 --> 00:12:15,402 There's about 100 people there. And she had a pet monkey. 223 00:12:15,444 --> 00:12:19,698 So, first of all, she's the kind of lady who has a pet monkey. 224 00:12:21,033 --> 00:12:23,410 That's a category of humanity. 225 00:12:23,452 --> 00:12:26,079 The guy who clapped once in the back probably... 226 00:12:26,121 --> 00:12:29,583 - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - He probably has a pet monkey. 227 00:12:31,210 --> 00:12:34,004 So my cousin overheard this lady say, 228 00:12:34,046 --> 00:12:36,006 "Oh, he's a very sweet monkey, 229 00:12:36,048 --> 00:12:38,675 "but don't make eye contact with him 230 00:12:38,717 --> 00:12:41,428 "because he'll see that as a form of aggression 231 00:12:41,470 --> 00:12:44,056 "and then he may show aggression in return." 232 00:12:44,097 --> 00:12:47,893 So my cousin lost all interest in the auction. 233 00:12:47,935 --> 00:12:50,229 All he cares about now is the science experiment. 234 00:12:52,022 --> 00:12:54,066 So the auction starts. And it's like this, 235 00:12:54,107 --> 00:12:56,193 there's one human, the auctioneer is up front, 236 00:12:56,235 --> 00:12:58,737 and all the other beings are facing forward. 237 00:12:58,779 --> 00:13:04,076 There were two beings in that general outdoor area, that were not facing forward, 238 00:13:04,117 --> 00:13:06,161 my cousin and the monkey. 239 00:13:06,203 --> 00:13:11,208 And so the thing starts, and my cousin is just staring 240 00:13:11,250 --> 00:13:15,921 a hole into this monkey's head. I am not making this up. 241 00:13:15,963 --> 00:13:19,216 So the monkey didn't realize it at first. 242 00:13:19,258 --> 00:13:22,094 And so he's just like bebopping around like monkeys do, you know. 243 00:13:22,135 --> 00:13:24,721 And so after maybe 5 and-a-half minutes, 244 00:13:24,763 --> 00:13:28,225 the monkey looks over and he sees my cousin looking at him. 245 00:13:28,267 --> 00:13:30,602 And so the monkey has... 246 00:13:30,644 --> 00:13:32,312 There's about two nanoseconds, 247 00:13:32,354 --> 00:13:35,774 you can tell this monkey is thinking, "Is this intentional or... " 248 00:13:35,816 --> 00:13:38,485 So my cousin wanted to make it, like, very clear, 249 00:13:38,527 --> 00:13:42,072 so he opened his eyes and showed his teeth a little bit. 250 00:13:42,114 --> 00:13:44,700 So, okay, here's the thing about monkeys. 251 00:13:44,741 --> 00:13:47,286 If you've never seen one, let me just describe them for you. 252 00:13:47,327 --> 00:13:49,621 They're small creatures 253 00:13:49,663 --> 00:13:54,960 with full body hair and finger toes and anger issues. 254 00:13:55,002 --> 00:14:00,924 So we humankind, when we get angry, we escalate slowly in anger 255 00:14:00,966 --> 00:14:03,302 like, "Oh, I'm going to write my congressman. 256 00:14:04,720 --> 00:14:06,305 "I'm feeling salty today." 257 00:14:06,346 --> 00:14:09,183 Of all the flavors, I feel salty, right? 258 00:14:09,224 --> 00:14:10,976 Not so with monkeys. 259 00:14:11,018 --> 00:14:15,355 So the monkey instantly loses it and jumps from this lady's shoulder. 260 00:14:15,397 --> 00:14:16,773 I am not making this up. 261 00:14:17,482 --> 00:14:18,984 This happened. 262 00:14:19,026 --> 00:14:21,945 So the monkey, showing his teeth, jumps off 263 00:14:21,987 --> 00:14:24,781 [YELPS] like only a monkey... 264 00:14:24,823 --> 00:14:28,493 Like only a monkey can sound. A monkey and a guy in the back. So... 265 00:14:31,205 --> 00:14:34,082 So thankfully, he was on one of those full body leashes, 266 00:14:34,124 --> 00:14:36,752 like the bad kids at Six Flags. You know what I'm talking about? 267 00:14:38,962 --> 00:14:41,173 So the lady wrangled him back up. 268 00:14:41,215 --> 00:14:43,091 Monkeys are very strong. 269 00:14:43,133 --> 00:14:45,552 And so she got the monkey back up. And the whole auction... 270 00:14:45,594 --> 00:14:48,847 Here's the thing. When a monkey tries to attack a human, 271 00:14:48,889 --> 00:14:52,017 we learned that for 8 and-a-half minutes, everything shuts down. 272 00:14:52,059 --> 00:14:56,522 So everybody else is just thinking like, "Oh. What a naughty monkey." 273 00:14:56,563 --> 00:14:59,775 And my cousin was like, "Oh, what a bad little guy." 274 00:14:59,816 --> 00:15:03,278 And so after that was all over, everybody's facing forward now, 275 00:15:03,320 --> 00:15:06,573 including my cousin, who's just trying to pretend like he's a normal human. 276 00:15:08,242 --> 00:15:11,495 So then he can feel... It is palpable. 277 00:15:11,537 --> 00:15:13,914 He can feel the monkey just glaring at him. 278 00:15:15,249 --> 00:15:18,043 I have never met a grown man with a beard 279 00:15:18,085 --> 00:15:22,089 who has little enough pride to handle that, right? 280 00:15:22,130 --> 00:15:25,592 So it took him maybe two and a half minutes. 281 00:15:25,634 --> 00:15:27,845 And he could just feel this monkey glaring at him. 282 00:15:27,886 --> 00:15:30,806 He could just feel it like the rays of the sun. 283 00:15:30,848 --> 00:15:32,724 And finally, after a little bit, he goes... 284 00:15:32,766 --> 00:15:34,518 And he showed his teeth again. 285 00:15:35,894 --> 00:15:38,397 So the first time the monkey wanted to harm my cousin, 286 00:15:38,438 --> 00:15:41,650 The second time the monkey wanted to destroy my cousin. 287 00:15:41,692 --> 00:15:44,152 Again, leaps off like Superman 288 00:15:44,194 --> 00:15:45,612 [SCREECHES] 289 00:15:46,572 --> 00:15:48,365 showing teeth, the whole thing. 290 00:15:48,407 --> 00:15:53,412 The monkey wanted to de-exist my cousin. Do you hear what I'm saying? 291 00:15:53,453 --> 00:15:55,789 But again, she yanked him because he was on the full body leash. 292 00:15:55,831 --> 00:15:58,000 So some stranger, a different human 293 00:15:58,041 --> 00:16:00,627 that we did not know, walks by trying to help the monkey. 294 00:16:00,669 --> 00:16:04,464 I am not making this up. He bites him on the ear. He's so mad. 295 00:16:04,506 --> 00:16:07,384 He's like, "I can't bite you. I will just bite a thing that looks like you." 296 00:16:09,803 --> 00:16:13,098 So, here's a thing that happened at school. 297 00:16:13,140 --> 00:16:15,601 So when I was a young teacher, 298 00:16:15,642 --> 00:16:19,229 there were three kinds of drink in the world. Three types of beverage. 299 00:16:19,271 --> 00:16:23,609 There was water, there was Coca-Cola and Coca-Cola things, 300 00:16:23,650 --> 00:16:26,570 and then there was the naughty drinks that nobody can bring to school. 301 00:16:26,612 --> 00:16:28,405 That was the only real categories. 302 00:16:28,447 --> 00:16:32,367 So during my career, they invented Monster Energy drinks. 303 00:16:32,409 --> 00:16:35,621 That is a new thing for me as a new school teacher. 304 00:16:35,662 --> 00:16:37,831 And so I bought one. 305 00:16:37,873 --> 00:16:40,167 It's just a bunch of caffeine. No big deal. 306 00:16:40,209 --> 00:16:44,588 But they look different, and they just feel different than a Coca-Cola. 307 00:16:44,630 --> 00:16:47,424 And so when I bought one and I opened it, I started getting self-conscious. 308 00:16:47,466 --> 00:16:51,345 I was like, "What... What if my boss sees me hold this? Will I get in trouble?" 309 00:16:51,386 --> 00:16:53,472 It feels different and new, you know? 310 00:16:53,514 --> 00:16:56,475 And so while I'm trying to process what should I do with this thing, 311 00:16:56,517 --> 00:16:58,852 some former students come in for a visit. 312 00:16:58,894 --> 00:17:00,687 And so real quickly I had to make a judgment call, 313 00:17:00,729 --> 00:17:02,648 and so I stuck it into my pocket. 314 00:17:02,689 --> 00:17:05,108 So I had deep pockets. I'm not making this up. 315 00:17:06,318 --> 00:17:08,195 So I have an open can 316 00:17:10,030 --> 00:17:13,450 of Monster Energy... energy drink. 317 00:17:13,492 --> 00:17:16,787 It's hard to say those words. It's hard to say those words together. 318 00:17:18,205 --> 00:17:19,581 In my deep pocket. 319 00:17:19,623 --> 00:17:21,625 So they come in for a sit down visit. 320 00:17:21,667 --> 00:17:24,294 I'm like, oh, it's a sit down visit, okay? 321 00:17:24,336 --> 00:17:26,630 So I'm trying to sit down like a pregnant woman. 322 00:17:29,299 --> 00:17:30,759 And you can't... 323 00:17:30,801 --> 00:17:33,512 Here's the thing. You can't sit down 324 00:17:34,721 --> 00:17:37,099 with an open Monster Energy drink 325 00:17:37,140 --> 00:17:40,727 and not spill secretion out of your pants. 326 00:17:40,769 --> 00:17:43,272 That's not how physics works. 327 00:17:43,313 --> 00:17:44,898 I'm not making this up. 328 00:17:44,940 --> 00:17:48,110 So the whole time, I'm sitting there fully aware. 329 00:17:48,151 --> 00:17:53,031 I'm conscious that there is a steady drip, drip, 330 00:17:53,073 --> 00:17:58,036 drip of ultraviolet yellow secretion coming out of my pants. 331 00:17:58,078 --> 00:18:00,122 And so the whole time they're talking, I'm just thinking, 332 00:18:00,163 --> 00:18:01,582 "Look me in the eye, look me in the eye." 333 00:18:01,623 --> 00:18:03,584 I don't want them to notice what's going on. 334 00:18:03,625 --> 00:18:06,795 Sometimes it's not even a drip. Sometimes it is a small stream 335 00:18:06,837 --> 00:18:09,882 of fluid coming out of the pocket of my pants. 336 00:18:09,923 --> 00:18:11,425 And so after... 337 00:18:11,466 --> 00:18:17,764 They were there for probably, probably seven long minutes. 338 00:18:17,806 --> 00:18:21,560 And every now and then I try to catch a time when they're looking away, 339 00:18:21,602 --> 00:18:23,478 and I'll glance down, and sure enough 340 00:18:23,520 --> 00:18:27,232 there is a pool of yellow just sitting right down... 341 00:18:27,274 --> 00:18:29,735 Was some getting on my pants? Yes, it was. 342 00:18:29,776 --> 00:18:34,531 So every time they started to look at me again, I tried to focus on them. 343 00:18:34,573 --> 00:18:37,451 And so after they left... Or as they were leaving, 344 00:18:37,492 --> 00:18:39,578 I had to try to stand up again 345 00:18:39,620 --> 00:18:43,624 in a way, that wouldn't compromise the fact 346 00:18:43,665 --> 00:18:46,168 that I had an open Monster Energy drink 347 00:18:47,252 --> 00:18:49,338 dripping from my pants. 348 00:18:49,379 --> 00:18:51,006 Some of you are probably thinking, 349 00:18:51,048 --> 00:18:54,259 "Was it a concrete type of floor or a carpet floor?" 350 00:18:54,301 --> 00:18:59,014 Because a carpet floor might absorb the yellow secretion. 351 00:18:59,056 --> 00:19:00,557 No, it was good and concrete. 352 00:19:00,599 --> 00:19:02,017 It was the slick concrete. 353 00:19:02,059 --> 00:19:06,146 Every bead of this was shining in the light. 354 00:19:06,188 --> 00:19:10,442 So they left, and I thought, I think I dodged this mishap. 355 00:19:10,484 --> 00:19:12,819 I don't think they noticed. So years go by, 356 00:19:12,861 --> 00:19:14,863 and at this point I'm more confident 357 00:19:14,905 --> 00:19:16,615 as a schoolteacher and as a human, 358 00:19:16,657 --> 00:19:19,826 I know that Monster Energy drink is, like, totally acceptable 359 00:19:19,868 --> 00:19:22,037 in the school setting, right? So I feel fine about it. 360 00:19:22,079 --> 00:19:25,290 So I had the younger sister of one of these guys as a student. 361 00:19:25,332 --> 00:19:28,794 And so I told her, "You know what? Let me tell you a story." 362 00:19:28,836 --> 00:19:30,921 And I told her the whole thing. I just told you guys, 363 00:19:30,963 --> 00:19:32,714 and I said, "I don't think he even noticed." 364 00:19:32,756 --> 00:19:34,675 She said, "No, no, no. That's the first thing he told me about you." 365 00:19:39,137 --> 00:19:43,392 So from his vantage point... Let's back up in time, 366 00:19:43,433 --> 00:19:49,439 he walks in the door to see a pillar of his community, the schoolteacher. 367 00:19:49,481 --> 00:19:53,569 The teacher sits down and instantly starts dripping yellow out of his pants. 368 00:19:54,444 --> 00:19:56,321 Does he address it? No. 369 00:19:56,363 --> 00:19:59,449 By the way, there comes a time when the time has come and gone. 370 00:19:59,491 --> 00:20:03,120 You can't say something about dripping out of your pants anymore. 371 00:20:03,161 --> 00:20:05,038 Like, when you don't know somebody's name, 372 00:20:05,080 --> 00:20:07,207 there comes a time you can't ask their name, right? 373 00:20:07,249 --> 00:20:11,753 After about 45 seconds, that bridge is burned. 374 00:20:11,795 --> 00:20:15,591 And so he's looking at this teacher who just keeps dripping 375 00:20:16,508 --> 00:20:18,594 for seven minutes. 376 00:20:18,635 --> 00:20:22,347 Is it like a quick little drip? No, he has a leak. This teacher has sprung a leak. 377 00:20:24,725 --> 00:20:27,769 Is he a robot? Like, is he dripping battery acid? 378 00:20:27,811 --> 00:20:29,605 What is wrong with this man? 379 00:20:29,646 --> 00:20:32,441 Does he know? Does he not know what's going on? 380 00:20:32,482 --> 00:20:35,360 If he does know, what kind of terrible, 381 00:20:35,402 --> 00:20:38,322 toxic beverage has he brought to school 382 00:20:38,363 --> 00:20:42,993 that he's just gonna not even address what he's... holding in his pocket? 383 00:20:43,035 --> 00:20:45,579 There was not one good thing that happened that day. 384 00:20:45,621 --> 00:20:47,414 Did a little spittle come out of my mouth just now? 385 00:20:47,456 --> 00:20:49,708 Yeah, it did, because I'm passionate about this. 386 00:20:49,750 --> 00:20:51,168 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 387 00:20:52,377 --> 00:20:54,755 The moral of that story is "don't do that." 388 00:20:58,926 --> 00:21:00,594 So let's see here. 389 00:21:00,636 --> 00:21:02,804 There's more things I want to talk to you about. 390 00:21:02,846 --> 00:21:05,641 Okay, so here's one. 391 00:21:07,809 --> 00:21:12,940 So the first year I ever taught at a high school, 392 00:21:12,981 --> 00:21:15,234 I am a graphic design teacher. 393 00:21:15,275 --> 00:21:18,153 But they did not have a lab set up. They weren't ready for me. 394 00:21:18,195 --> 00:21:21,240 So they said, "Can you come teach ceramics for one year?" 395 00:21:21,281 --> 00:21:24,451 And I don't know how to teach ceramics, 396 00:21:24,493 --> 00:21:27,996 but I needed a job and my name is Clay. So, like, how bad... 397 00:21:28,038 --> 00:21:29,623 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 398 00:21:32,709 --> 00:21:35,045 So every day I'd just come in and be like, 399 00:21:35,087 --> 00:21:37,589 "Guys, I don't know. Just make a mug, I guess." 400 00:21:39,299 --> 00:21:42,052 So one day, this particularly lazy kid, 401 00:21:42,094 --> 00:21:44,388 he worked so long and hard on this contraption. 402 00:21:44,429 --> 00:21:45,848 I didn't know about this thing, 403 00:21:45,889 --> 00:21:47,599 but it looked really cool and he worked real hard on it. 404 00:21:47,641 --> 00:21:50,018 And so at the end of class, I picked it up in front of the class 405 00:21:50,060 --> 00:21:51,937 and was like "Guys, this is the pot of the day. 406 00:21:51,979 --> 00:21:53,897 "I want you guys to do more stuff like this." 407 00:21:53,939 --> 00:21:57,901 And I put it up on the shelf, and then I gave him a pack of cheese crackers 408 00:21:57,943 --> 00:22:00,362 because that's like the gold medal in my class, right? 409 00:22:00,404 --> 00:22:02,406 And so the class left 410 00:22:02,447 --> 00:22:05,742 And my teacher aide comes in, and my teacher aide looks up on the shelf, 411 00:22:05,784 --> 00:22:07,995 and he said, "Mr. Cox, you know what that thing is right? 412 00:22:08,036 --> 00:22:10,163 And I was like "Yeah, man, that's the pot of the day." 413 00:22:10,205 --> 00:22:11,915 He said, "Mr. Cox, that's called a bong." 414 00:22:12,791 --> 00:22:14,418 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 415 00:22:20,674 --> 00:22:22,843 If you don't know where that is, ask your mom. 416 00:22:25,804 --> 00:22:28,056 So back up in time. 417 00:22:28,098 --> 00:22:31,310 Totally innocently. I had no idea. My conscience was clean. 418 00:22:31,351 --> 00:22:35,439 I... Back up in time. I picked this thing up in front of the class. 419 00:22:35,480 --> 00:22:37,566 First of all, I called it "the pot of the day." 420 00:22:39,985 --> 00:22:43,155 I said, "Teenagers, you guys do more things like this." 421 00:22:44,698 --> 00:22:46,783 And then I gave him a pack of cheese crackers. 422 00:22:46,825 --> 00:22:51,914 He probably had the munchies. I scratched, like, every itch of the things not to do. 423 00:22:51,955 --> 00:22:55,459 So I can see you shaking your head at me. Like, this is a live thing. 424 00:22:55,501 --> 00:22:57,628 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 425 00:22:57,669 --> 00:22:59,004 It's very condescending. 426 00:23:02,674 --> 00:23:04,760 You ever make a bong in my class, see what happens. 427 00:23:04,801 --> 00:23:06,011 See what I'll do with it. 428 00:23:07,846 --> 00:23:09,014 I'll clap one time. 429 00:23:12,684 --> 00:23:14,561 The people who are watching this later, 430 00:23:14,603 --> 00:23:17,397 if this does make the cut, they won't know what that means. 431 00:23:20,692 --> 00:23:22,569 Are you getting my good side over there? 432 00:23:29,493 --> 00:23:32,371 So... 433 00:23:32,412 --> 00:23:36,083 I was kinda... There was sort of a roll going on with everyone. 434 00:23:36,124 --> 00:23:37,918 Everyone seemed to be on the same page, 435 00:23:37,960 --> 00:23:40,462 and the wave had kind of come and gone. 436 00:23:40,504 --> 00:23:42,798 And then you were like, "No, I'm jumping in now." 437 00:23:44,049 --> 00:23:45,634 It really kind of threw me off track. 438 00:23:45,676 --> 00:23:47,678 So if the special doesn't go well, 439 00:23:47,719 --> 00:23:49,471 like, I'll feel like it's your fault, you know what I mean? 440 00:23:49,513 --> 00:23:52,224 - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - So... 441 00:23:56,186 --> 00:23:57,688 So far, are there any questions? 442 00:24:00,482 --> 00:24:04,152 You good? All right. So, uh, let's see here. 443 00:24:04,194 --> 00:24:06,238 There... Oh. Yes, sir? 444 00:24:06,280 --> 00:24:07,739 MAN: You asked about a question. 445 00:24:07,781 --> 00:24:11,535 So did the engineer's plan work? Are you a fan of corn now? 446 00:24:11,577 --> 00:24:13,078 First of all, I didn't... 447 00:24:13,120 --> 00:24:14,913 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 448 00:24:21,795 --> 00:24:25,632 First of all, I didn't ask if you had a question. 449 00:24:26,884 --> 00:24:30,387 I said, "Does anyone have any questions?" 450 00:24:30,429 --> 00:24:33,807 Was I expecting anyone to actually have a question? No, I wasn't. 451 00:24:35,184 --> 00:24:37,686 And then after I said, "Does anyone have any questions? 452 00:24:37,728 --> 00:24:39,855 "Does anyone have any questions?" 453 00:24:39,897 --> 00:24:43,358 There was a pretty decent, significant amount of time that went by 454 00:24:44,568 --> 00:24:47,112 where no one had any questions. 455 00:24:47,154 --> 00:24:49,740 Then you raised your hand kind of abruptly. 456 00:24:49,781 --> 00:24:52,659 And before I said "Yes, sir. Do you have a question?" 457 00:24:52,701 --> 00:24:56,288 You instantly just bombarded me with your question. 458 00:24:56,330 --> 00:24:59,124 And it was a bad question. I don't like your question. 459 00:24:59,166 --> 00:25:01,335 WOMAN: What's the answer? 460 00:25:01,376 --> 00:25:04,296 So what did you just say just now? I really don't care. 461 00:25:06,131 --> 00:25:10,719 So here's the answer. No, I don't like corn. I'll never like corn. 462 00:25:10,761 --> 00:25:13,180 I hate corn. One exception. 463 00:25:14,556 --> 00:25:15,974 Okay. 464 00:25:16,016 --> 00:25:18,185 Popcorn. Here's the thing. 465 00:25:18,227 --> 00:25:20,270 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 466 00:25:20,312 --> 00:25:22,272 Let me speak to you metaphorically. 467 00:25:22,314 --> 00:25:24,983 You look like a smart man. Okay, So... 468 00:25:26,360 --> 00:25:30,072 A caterpillar is a yucky-looking creature, right? 469 00:25:30,113 --> 00:25:33,283 And it goes into a cocoon, and it gets its act together, 470 00:25:33,325 --> 00:25:35,118 and it comes out as a beautiful butterfly. 471 00:25:35,160 --> 00:25:37,412 Right? Well, okay. 472 00:25:37,454 --> 00:25:40,457 So, popcorn, it's not so great, 473 00:25:40,499 --> 00:25:43,627 but then it goes into the microwave and it repents, 474 00:25:46,547 --> 00:25:48,131 and it comes out a beautiful thing. 475 00:25:48,173 --> 00:25:50,676 So is it still... I don't even want to say the word anymore. 476 00:25:50,717 --> 00:25:53,470 Is it still, mmm? No, not anymore. 477 00:25:53,512 --> 00:25:55,681 It was, mmm, but now it's a butterfly. 478 00:25:57,766 --> 00:26:00,394 I work at the largest high school in the state of Alabama. 479 00:26:00,435 --> 00:26:03,689 It's very big, right? So there's teenagers... 480 00:26:03,730 --> 00:26:07,901 It's just riddled with teenagers everywhere, running around. 481 00:26:07,943 --> 00:26:12,322 The only place of solace at this giant mega high school 482 00:26:12,364 --> 00:26:15,826 is the faculty lounge bathrooms. That's it. 483 00:26:15,868 --> 00:26:18,704 So we go there sometimes just for the peace, 484 00:26:18,745 --> 00:26:21,248 just to stand there for just a minute, right? 485 00:26:21,290 --> 00:26:25,002 And so let me describe it for you. It's a wonderful haven 486 00:26:25,043 --> 00:26:29,756 that's roughly the size of about about five coffins. It's about five coffins big. 487 00:26:32,467 --> 00:26:36,638 So inside the teacher's faculty lounge bathroom, 488 00:26:36,680 --> 00:26:40,350 there's one teacher who figured out there's an air freshener in there. 489 00:26:40,392 --> 00:26:44,813 And once every 30 minutes, it pushes this button to release the air freshener. 490 00:26:44,855 --> 00:26:51,486 And so he realized that it's exactly the same size as an air horn. 491 00:26:51,528 --> 00:26:56,658 So he took out the air freshener, and he put in an air horn. 492 00:26:56,700 --> 00:26:59,286 If you've never experienced an air horn, 493 00:26:59,328 --> 00:27:01,788 they are real loud. 494 00:27:01,830 --> 00:27:06,919 So he realized that it... Once every 30 minutes, it does the button, right? 495 00:27:06,960 --> 00:27:10,923 But if you push the reset button, it goes eight seconds, 496 00:27:10,964 --> 00:27:14,426 and then it pushes... Then it starts the 30 minute paradigm. 497 00:27:14,468 --> 00:27:16,386 Does this make sense? Okay. 498 00:27:16,428 --> 00:27:22,017 So he stood there at the door and he held his finger on the reset button, 499 00:27:22,059 --> 00:27:27,231 just waiting for a victim to come in. And so I was that victim. 500 00:27:27,272 --> 00:27:31,401 The door to the faculty lounge opened, and he pushed the reset button, 501 00:27:31,443 --> 00:27:33,946 and he really quickly walked into bathroom number two. 502 00:27:33,987 --> 00:27:36,740 So the only option was bathroom number one. 503 00:27:36,782 --> 00:27:38,659 I didn't realize what was going on, 504 00:27:38,700 --> 00:27:41,119 so I walked into bathroom number one and I thought, 505 00:27:41,161 --> 00:27:46,208 "This is my my sweet relief from teenagers for just a few minutes," right? 506 00:27:46,250 --> 00:27:48,919 Little did I know that I had six seconds left 507 00:27:48,961 --> 00:27:50,879 before my life flashed before my eyes. 508 00:27:53,340 --> 00:27:58,554 So I'm standing there and uh... Okay, there's a few things we need to talk about. 509 00:27:59,972 --> 00:28:02,099 Let's talk about science for a minute. 510 00:28:02,140 --> 00:28:05,018 Your body is ready for two things when danger comes, 511 00:28:05,060 --> 00:28:06,770 fight or flight. 512 00:28:07,729 --> 00:28:09,022 I'm in the bathroom by myself. 513 00:28:09,064 --> 00:28:11,316 There's no one to fight. There's nowhere to flight. 514 00:28:11,358 --> 00:28:13,277 So your body just reacts 515 00:28:13,318 --> 00:28:15,988 like no human body is supposed to react. 516 00:28:16,029 --> 00:28:19,408 It just does crazy things because it doesn't know what to do, right? 517 00:28:19,449 --> 00:28:24,872 And when you hear the screeching of the piercing air horn bouncing around the walls, 518 00:28:24,913 --> 00:28:27,124 your brain doesn't immediately go to, 519 00:28:27,165 --> 00:28:30,460 "Oh, this is just an air horn. No big deal." 520 00:28:30,502 --> 00:28:33,046 Your brain is like, "What? Hulk is about to kill me right now." 521 00:28:33,088 --> 00:28:34,798 This is what your brain goes to. 522 00:28:34,840 --> 00:28:38,302 There's more to that story that I cannot tell you. 523 00:28:38,343 --> 00:28:40,179 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 524 00:28:41,430 --> 00:28:44,183 I haven't told my wife. I will never tell. 525 00:28:44,224 --> 00:28:46,143 I just have to live with some things. 526 00:28:48,145 --> 00:28:52,232 There's no punchline here. This is just a thing that happened. 527 00:28:52,274 --> 00:28:55,152 I'm trying to alleviate my burden just a little bit. 528 00:28:56,153 --> 00:28:58,697 So... a little awkward silence. 529 00:28:58,739 --> 00:29:02,034 I just need... I need somebody in the crowd to fart out loud. 530 00:29:02,075 --> 00:29:04,453 - That's what... you wouldn't... - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 531 00:29:07,956 --> 00:29:11,084 I tell the teenagers in my class 532 00:29:11,126 --> 00:29:14,379 to, uh, sign my yearbook every year, and there's two rules. 533 00:29:14,421 --> 00:29:16,757 One is you have to write more than just your name 534 00:29:16,798 --> 00:29:21,136 and the other is, you cannot write "HAGS" or "have a great summer." Right? 535 00:29:21,178 --> 00:29:25,641 And so one kid, he just wrote "Dear Mr. Cox, have a summer." 536 00:29:27,851 --> 00:29:30,938 That's lazy writing. One kid, I'm not making this up, he wrote, 537 00:29:30,979 --> 00:29:35,150 "Dear Mr. Cox, you're the reason why I don't believe in freedom." What does that even mean? 538 00:29:37,277 --> 00:29:40,239 On my final, it's like a very project based class. 539 00:29:40,280 --> 00:29:42,407 And so the final is just like a survey, right? 540 00:29:42,449 --> 00:29:44,076 So one of the questions on the survey is, 541 00:29:44,117 --> 00:29:47,329 "What was the worst part of this class, generally or specifically?" 542 00:29:47,371 --> 00:29:50,040 What's the worst part of this class, generally or specifically? 543 00:29:50,082 --> 00:29:51,583 One kid wrote, "Specifically." 544 00:29:51,625 --> 00:29:53,418 [AUDIENCE CHUCKLING] 545 00:29:57,548 --> 00:29:59,132 I have three daughters, 546 00:29:59,174 --> 00:30:03,595 one is sweet, one is quiet, and the other one's Kayla. 547 00:30:03,637 --> 00:30:04,721 And so... 548 00:30:06,932 --> 00:30:08,392 I'm not making this up. 549 00:30:08,433 --> 00:30:10,644 One time I told them the story about David and Goliath. 550 00:30:10,686 --> 00:30:12,020 You know what I'm talking about? The story of... 551 00:30:12,062 --> 00:30:14,231 And so I picked up their little blankie 552 00:30:14,273 --> 00:30:15,732 to show them what a slingshot was like. 553 00:30:15,774 --> 00:30:18,068 And I told them, David killed Goliath. 554 00:30:18,110 --> 00:30:20,279 And they didn't say anything for like an hour. 555 00:30:20,320 --> 00:30:23,407 And then I was about to walk out the door to go do a show, 556 00:30:23,448 --> 00:30:26,076 and my sweet little daughter comes up, 557 00:30:26,118 --> 00:30:28,370 she said, "Daddy, Please don't go." 558 00:30:28,412 --> 00:30:31,206 And I said, "Sweetheart, Daddy's got to go. I got to go do a show." 559 00:30:31,248 --> 00:30:34,334 That girl picked up her blankie, walked up to me and said, "I will kill you." 560 00:30:37,963 --> 00:30:40,132 One time I was in an airport, 561 00:30:40,174 --> 00:30:43,343 I was in the Atlanta airport, and I was about to fly out to Boston, 562 00:30:43,385 --> 00:30:46,096 and, uh, I was two steps from the airplane. 563 00:30:46,138 --> 00:30:47,639 Like, I'm just about to get on the airplane, 564 00:30:47,681 --> 00:30:50,142 and my phone rang, and I pick it up, 565 00:30:50,184 --> 00:30:52,895 and it's my wife, and I wouldn't have answered for anybody else. 566 00:30:52,936 --> 00:30:56,565 But she said, "Hey, uh, let me just tell you something. 567 00:30:56,607 --> 00:30:58,650 "I asked for our sweet little daughter, 568 00:30:58,692 --> 00:31:02,237 "'Do you want to pray for Daddy to have a safe trip to Boston?"' 569 00:31:02,279 --> 00:31:03,363 "She said, 'No... 570 00:31:05,032 --> 00:31:07,659 "'Let's pray Daddy has a safe trip to heaven.'" 571 00:31:07,701 --> 00:31:09,620 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 572 00:31:12,206 --> 00:31:13,790 I'm two steps from an airplane. 573 00:31:15,459 --> 00:31:18,295 Like I get it. My daughter was being sweet and respectful. 574 00:31:18,337 --> 00:31:21,507 She didn't know what she was saying, but my wife did. 575 00:31:23,800 --> 00:31:28,222 And I will go to heaven. I know Jesus, and I'll be there someday. 576 00:31:28,263 --> 00:31:31,391 I didn't want to go Tuesday on Delta. You know what I mean? 577 00:31:33,519 --> 00:31:35,062 One time... This is a true story. 578 00:31:35,103 --> 00:31:37,814 So our, uh... Our middle daughter, 579 00:31:37,856 --> 00:31:40,317 she always wanted to go fast all the time, drive fast. 580 00:31:40,359 --> 00:31:41,777 That's all she would say, you know. 581 00:31:41,818 --> 00:31:43,779 So we had to give her an object lesson. 582 00:31:43,820 --> 00:31:46,490 And say, like, there's reasons why we don't drive fast. 583 00:31:46,532 --> 00:31:50,369 So we saw there was another car that had a little accident, 584 00:31:50,410 --> 00:31:52,454 and it was off to the side of the road. 585 00:31:52,496 --> 00:31:56,458 And so, we were driving, we were like, "Sweetheart. That's why we don't drive fast. 586 00:31:56,500 --> 00:31:59,837 "You see that car up there? That car had an accident." 587 00:31:59,878 --> 00:32:02,881 Well, to her young brain, the word "accident" meant something different 588 00:32:03,966 --> 00:32:05,634 than it means to our brains. 589 00:32:05,676 --> 00:32:09,221 And so you could just feel the little wheels in her head turning. 590 00:32:09,263 --> 00:32:12,099 She goes, "He went pee pee on the road?" 591 00:32:18,730 --> 00:32:20,649 No, it wasn't that kind of accident. 592 00:32:20,691 --> 00:32:22,442 She goes, "He went poopy on the road?" 593 00:32:23,193 --> 00:32:24,820 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 594 00:32:24,862 --> 00:32:27,823 There's some things that irk my soul, and I do not like them. 595 00:32:27,865 --> 00:32:31,743 For instance... Okay, there's a movie about a circus man, 596 00:32:31,785 --> 00:32:34,705 and he sings a lot. Do you know what the name of this movie is? 597 00:32:34,746 --> 00:32:36,707 - AUDIENCE:The Greatest Showman. - The Greatest Show-man. 598 00:32:36,748 --> 00:32:38,625 I say, Greatest Show-man. 599 00:32:38,667 --> 00:32:43,589 Half of the humans that live on this planet say The Greatest Showman. 600 00:32:43,630 --> 00:32:48,594 It is very snooty and condescending, and I do not like it. 601 00:32:48,635 --> 00:32:51,680 It irks my soul just a little bit. 602 00:32:51,722 --> 00:32:54,266 The Greatest Showman. I don't like that. 603 00:32:54,308 --> 00:32:56,852 So why do I say it's The Greatest Show-man? 604 00:32:56,894 --> 00:32:59,062 Well, he's a man. What kind of man? Show-man. 605 00:32:59,104 --> 00:33:02,191 Batman. Iron Man. Spider-man. Show-man. Right? 606 00:33:02,232 --> 00:33:06,028 You know this song? From, uh, the little sisters in the Disney, 607 00:33:06,069 --> 00:33:08,363 the cold sisters that sing so much about everything? 608 00:33:08,405 --> 00:33:09,990 - Do you know what I'm talking about? - WOMAN: Frozen? 609 00:33:10,032 --> 00:33:11,950 The Frozen movies, yes. 610 00:33:11,992 --> 00:33:14,119 They... They sing "Do you like to build..." 611 00:33:14,161 --> 00:33:15,495 WOMAN: "Do you want to build a snowman?" 612 00:33:15,537 --> 00:33:17,289 "Do you want to build a snowman?" That's it. Okay. 613 00:33:17,331 --> 00:33:20,083 So I have written this word down. Here let me show you. 614 00:33:20,125 --> 00:33:22,628 Do you want to build a snow-man? 615 00:33:22,669 --> 00:33:24,588 Do you want to build a snow-man? 616 00:33:28,634 --> 00:33:31,261 I would drop the mic, but mics are very expensive. 617 00:33:33,597 --> 00:33:37,100 You see, another thing that bothers me deeply is, uh, 618 00:33:37,142 --> 00:33:39,311 Okay, peanut butter M&Ms, 619 00:33:39,353 --> 00:33:42,272 I am certain that they were created by Communists. 620 00:33:43,357 --> 00:33:44,691 Here's the problem. 621 00:33:44,733 --> 00:33:47,778 Am I saying peanut M&Ms are bad? No, they're not bad. 622 00:33:47,819 --> 00:33:50,572 They're pretty good. Here's the deal. 623 00:33:50,614 --> 00:33:54,493 M&Ms are fantastic. Peanuts are fantastic. 624 00:33:54,535 --> 00:33:58,205 Why would you put two fantastic things together and make them pretty good? 625 00:33:58,247 --> 00:34:00,582 You're making both of the things worse. 626 00:34:00,624 --> 00:34:02,501 Do you see the problem that I had with it? 627 00:34:02,543 --> 00:34:05,337 So I don't like that. Another thing I don't like. 628 00:34:05,379 --> 00:34:07,089 There's a song by The Little Mermaid. 629 00:34:07,130 --> 00:34:08,549 You knowThe Little Mermaid movies? 630 00:34:08,590 --> 00:34:11,969 She sings this, okay. I'm quoting her verbatim. 631 00:34:12,010 --> 00:34:13,637 "I don't know when. 632 00:34:13,679 --> 00:34:17,975 "I don't know how, but I know something's starting right now." 633 00:34:18,016 --> 00:34:19,768 Let me take out four of those words. 634 00:34:19,810 --> 00:34:24,147 "I don't know when, but I know something's starting right now." 635 00:34:24,189 --> 00:34:25,941 [AUDIENCE CHUCKLING] 636 00:34:30,529 --> 00:34:33,282 That's when. Right now is when, Little Mermaid. 637 00:34:35,784 --> 00:34:39,371 Just imagine this... Imagine that there are two worlds. 638 00:34:39,413 --> 00:34:43,834 One is ours and there's another one that is exactly like our world 639 00:34:43,876 --> 00:34:46,962 in every way, except they don't have any clouds. 640 00:34:47,004 --> 00:34:50,048 You see what I'm saying? So there's two worlds. 641 00:34:50,090 --> 00:34:51,800 One world has no clouds at all. 642 00:34:51,842 --> 00:34:55,512 And so if you try to describe clouds to people from that world, 643 00:34:55,554 --> 00:34:57,472 you would look totally insane. 644 00:34:57,514 --> 00:35:01,560 So you'd have to say "From where I come from, 645 00:35:01,602 --> 00:35:04,771 "they're giant puff balls floating in the sky." 646 00:35:04,813 --> 00:35:06,732 You see how that sounds kind of crazy? 647 00:35:06,773 --> 00:35:09,526 So they'd be like, "What color are they? 648 00:35:09,568 --> 00:35:12,571 Sometimes they're white, but sometimes they change colors. 649 00:35:12,613 --> 00:35:14,239 "What are they shaped like?" 650 00:35:14,281 --> 00:35:17,618 They're shaped like nothing. And they're shaped like everything. 651 00:35:17,659 --> 00:35:21,371 And sometimes they drop water from above. 652 00:35:21,413 --> 00:35:23,290 Water onto the ground. 653 00:35:23,332 --> 00:35:25,959 "Oh, so like just like a little bit of water?" 654 00:35:26,001 --> 00:35:30,130 No, buckets of water. And sometimes they shoot electricity. 655 00:35:30,172 --> 00:35:31,507 I am not making this up. 656 00:35:33,091 --> 00:35:35,469 And sometimes, they... I am not making this up. 657 00:35:35,511 --> 00:35:39,139 ...set things on fire. Do you see how this sounds crazy? 658 00:35:39,181 --> 00:35:42,851 And sometimes they spin faster than any washing machine. 659 00:35:42,893 --> 00:35:44,645 And they'll pick up large things. 660 00:35:44,686 --> 00:35:46,939 They'll pick up cows. They'll pick up trucks. 661 00:35:46,980 --> 00:35:50,192 [imitating thunder, wind whooshing] 662 00:35:50,234 --> 00:35:52,069 That's what they sound like sometimes. 663 00:35:56,990 --> 00:35:58,867 That's what clouds are. 664 00:35:58,909 --> 00:36:01,286 - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - [CLAPS] 665 00:36:01,328 --> 00:36:02,621 He clapped one time. 666 00:36:05,040 --> 00:36:08,544 So I don't buy any name brand Oreo cookies because they're very expensive, 667 00:36:08,585 --> 00:36:11,338 and I'm on a budget. I buy generic cookies. 668 00:36:11,380 --> 00:36:12,965 There's like the gas station cookies. 669 00:36:13,006 --> 00:36:16,635 They're a lot cheaper, but they taste almost as good. 670 00:36:16,677 --> 00:36:18,595 So, here's the thing. 671 00:36:18,637 --> 00:36:22,474 My mother-in-law came to town, and she purchased me a whole pack, 672 00:36:22,516 --> 00:36:25,185 a big pack of Oreo name brand cookies. 673 00:36:25,227 --> 00:36:29,898 And so I was very happy, and I ate three of them and then I went to work. 674 00:36:29,940 --> 00:36:32,651 And I came back, and I opened the door, 675 00:36:32,693 --> 00:36:34,403 and my dog had that look on her face. 676 00:36:34,444 --> 00:36:36,613 Like, you know, the guilty look. 677 00:36:36,655 --> 00:36:40,868 She looked like she'd committed two to three felonies. 678 00:36:40,909 --> 00:36:44,538 She looked riddled with guilt. And I thought, "What did you... Oh, no." 679 00:36:44,580 --> 00:36:46,248 And six feet behind that dog, 680 00:36:46,290 --> 00:36:50,085 there was an empty container of name brand Oreo cookies. 681 00:36:50,127 --> 00:36:53,088 And so, you know, dogs aren't supposed to eat chocolate, right? 682 00:36:53,130 --> 00:36:55,424 So I called my buddy who's a vet, and I said, 683 00:36:55,465 --> 00:36:57,342 "Hey, man, my..." 684 00:36:57,384 --> 00:37:00,804 First of all, do you know how many Oreos come 685 00:37:00,846 --> 00:37:02,347 - in a container of Oreo cookies? - WOMAN: About 30. 686 00:37:02,389 --> 00:37:05,142 So, not 120. 687 00:37:06,518 --> 00:37:09,563 What planet are you from? 688 00:37:09,605 --> 00:37:12,983 Thirty-nine Oreo cookies come in a packet of Oreo cookies. 689 00:37:13,025 --> 00:37:14,943 I ate three of those cookies, 690 00:37:14,985 --> 00:37:18,030 - that means that dog ate, like, a bunch of Oreo cookies. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 691 00:37:19,823 --> 00:37:21,992 So I called my buddy who's a vet, and I said, 692 00:37:22,034 --> 00:37:24,286 "Hey, my dog ate, like, a whole bunch of Oreo cookies. 693 00:37:24,328 --> 00:37:26,246 "What do you recommend I do?" And he said, 694 00:37:26,288 --> 00:37:30,918 "Oh, I don't know the toxicity of chocolate within an Oreo cookie." 695 00:37:30,959 --> 00:37:35,464 And I said, "Speak to me in one-syllable words, like, what..." 696 00:37:35,506 --> 00:37:38,550 And he said, "Make her throw up." And I said "How do I do that?" 697 00:37:38,592 --> 00:37:42,763 He said, "Give her two tablespoons full of hydrogen peroxide, and that'll do it." 698 00:37:42,804 --> 00:37:45,682 So I got the first tablespoon of hydrogen peroxide. 699 00:37:45,724 --> 00:37:47,518 And I said, "Hey, come here, dog. 700 00:37:52,606 --> 00:37:55,859 "I just want to talk to you for a minute." 701 00:37:55,901 --> 00:37:58,612 And that dog with her face, she basically spoke to me, 702 00:37:58,654 --> 00:38:00,239 and she was like, "I don't know if you remember, 703 00:38:00,280 --> 00:38:02,908 "but I just ate a bunch of Oreo cookies." 704 00:38:02,950 --> 00:38:04,493 And so I couldn't get her to come. 705 00:38:04,535 --> 00:38:08,038 There's a reason, by the way, that we dip Oreo cookies in milk 706 00:38:08,080 --> 00:38:11,250 like ain't nobody dipping Oreo cookies in hydrogen peroxide. 707 00:38:11,291 --> 00:38:13,710 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 708 00:38:13,752 --> 00:38:17,172 So I... I got a syringe. We had it from my daughters. 709 00:38:17,214 --> 00:38:20,592 And I sucked up one tablespoon of hydrogen peroxide. 710 00:38:20,634 --> 00:38:22,469 And I said, "Hey, dog, come here. 711 00:38:22,511 --> 00:38:25,055 "I just want to talk to you while I hold a syringe. It's no big deal." 712 00:38:26,765 --> 00:38:29,977 And the dog's like, "mmm, no." 713 00:38:30,018 --> 00:38:32,312 And so I got one of those 714 00:38:32,354 --> 00:38:36,942 pasteurized Kraft cheese, uh, processed, square wrapped things. 715 00:38:36,984 --> 00:38:38,694 You know what I'm talking about? 716 00:38:38,735 --> 00:38:40,737 And I put it up on top of the syringe and I was like, "Hey, dog, 717 00:38:42,447 --> 00:38:44,366 "you want some cheese? Can I give you some cheese?" 718 00:38:44,408 --> 00:38:46,994 And then the dog was like, "[HESITATES] okay." 719 00:38:47,035 --> 00:38:48,537 So the dog came up. 720 00:38:48,579 --> 00:38:50,247 And I don't... Like, there's a lot of things I'm bad at. 721 00:38:50,289 --> 00:38:54,001 I'm not bragging here. But, like, bull's eye. I shot it directly 722 00:38:54,877 --> 00:38:56,461 down the gullet. Nothing but net. 723 00:38:58,213 --> 00:38:59,631 So time out here. 724 00:38:59,673 --> 00:39:03,135 Imagine, what do you think a living creature looks like 725 00:39:03,177 --> 00:39:06,388 with hydrogen peroxide going down their throat 726 00:39:06,430 --> 00:39:08,140 and bubbling back up at the same time? 727 00:39:08,182 --> 00:39:10,767 - [WOMAN EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST] - Get that picture in your mind. 728 00:39:10,809 --> 00:39:14,396 First of all, what you don't know is you're not imagining it right. 729 00:39:14,438 --> 00:39:19,651 Because dogs, unbeknownst to me, have bonus tongue. I had no idea. 730 00:39:19,693 --> 00:39:22,362 What unlocks it is hydrogen peroxide. 731 00:39:24,031 --> 00:39:29,244 The dog... The dog in a very toad-like fashion 732 00:39:29,286 --> 00:39:32,623 elongated her tongue and writhed 733 00:39:34,499 --> 00:39:38,045 as though she were in, I don't know, something like 734 00:39:38,086 --> 00:39:41,006 an empty bathroom with a screeching air horn. 735 00:39:41,048 --> 00:39:42,883 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 736 00:39:44,635 --> 00:39:48,222 So that was one tablespoonful of hydrogen peroxide. 737 00:39:49,014 --> 00:39:51,099 He said, to give her two. 738 00:39:51,141 --> 00:39:54,770 So I got a second syringe and a second piece of cheese, 739 00:39:54,811 --> 00:39:57,147 and I put it up on top, and I was like, "My bad, dog. 740 00:39:58,941 --> 00:40:00,817 "Can I make it up to you with some cheese?" 741 00:40:00,859 --> 00:40:04,738 And the dog's like, "Mmm... [HESITATES] Yeah." 742 00:40:04,780 --> 00:40:08,784 I am not making this up. Came back knowing full well that she was gonna have... 743 00:40:08,825 --> 00:40:14,456 It's the best commercial for pasteurized byproduct cheese stuff that's wrapped. 744 00:40:14,498 --> 00:40:18,752 So good, you'll come back knowing full well that you're going to have 745 00:40:18,794 --> 00:40:22,214 hydrogen peroxide forced down your throat against your will. 746 00:40:22,256 --> 00:40:24,633 And so I forced it... I did the thing. 747 00:40:24,675 --> 00:40:28,095 And then... I don't want to tell you too much. 748 00:40:28,136 --> 00:40:30,138 But long story short. My dog died. 749 00:40:30,180 --> 00:40:31,682 WOMAN: Aw. 750 00:40:31,723 --> 00:40:34,268 It was 4 and-a-half years later, totally unrelated. 751 00:40:34,309 --> 00:40:36,103 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 752 00:40:36,144 --> 00:40:39,273 But two of the people out there laughed too hard at that. 753 00:40:39,314 --> 00:40:41,942 That was pretty shameful. 754 00:40:41,984 --> 00:40:43,068 So... 755 00:40:44,403 --> 00:40:47,406 My first week of being at Auburn University, 756 00:40:47,447 --> 00:40:49,992 I, uh... I bought an ice cream. 757 00:40:50,033 --> 00:40:51,577 It was a cookies and cream ice cream. 758 00:40:51,618 --> 00:40:53,745 And I remember I was trying to decide what was better, 759 00:40:53,787 --> 00:40:55,455 the cookies or the cream? I don't know. 760 00:40:55,497 --> 00:40:58,250 And this stranger comes up, this guy I had never seen before. 761 00:40:58,292 --> 00:41:01,003 And he said, "Hey, man, I like those shoes you're wearing." 762 00:41:01,044 --> 00:41:03,005 I said "Oh, thank you. I appreciate that." 763 00:41:03,046 --> 00:41:05,966 And what I do is important. I looked him in the eye, 764 00:41:06,008 --> 00:41:08,427 and I licked my ice cream, and I turned my back... 765 00:41:08,468 --> 00:41:12,139 Like, that's social code for "I don't want to talk to you anymore right now," right? 766 00:41:12,181 --> 00:41:13,974 He did not get that. 767 00:41:14,016 --> 00:41:16,643 And so he said, "Wait, wait, wait, wait. Where'd you get them from?" 768 00:41:16,685 --> 00:41:20,856 And I said "I got them from a shoe store in Birmingham, Alabama." 769 00:41:20,898 --> 00:41:24,359 And again I kind of hard looked at him, and I started to turn away. 770 00:41:24,401 --> 00:41:27,029 And he said, "Wait, hold on. What size shoe do you wear?" 771 00:41:27,070 --> 00:41:28,739 Well, that's none of his business. 772 00:41:28,780 --> 00:41:31,491 But I try to be a nice guy, and so I said, "I wear a size 12." 773 00:41:31,533 --> 00:41:34,995 He said, "Oh, I do, too. Do you care if I try it on?" 774 00:41:35,037 --> 00:41:36,914 So I was ready for some things in life, 775 00:41:36,955 --> 00:41:39,833 like "just say no to drugs." That's a great message. 776 00:41:39,875 --> 00:41:41,335 I was ready for them. 777 00:41:41,376 --> 00:41:43,003 "Hey, stranger, do you want some drugs?" "No." 778 00:41:43,045 --> 00:41:44,922 "Do you want some drugs?" "No." 779 00:41:44,963 --> 00:41:47,257 "Hey, stranger, can I try on your shoes?" "I really... I really... Okay." 780 00:41:47,299 --> 00:41:49,051 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 781 00:41:57,309 --> 00:41:59,978 So I sat down at the nearest bench, 782 00:42:00,020 --> 00:42:03,690 and I took off my left shoe, and this stranger puts it on. 783 00:42:03,732 --> 00:42:06,026 I am not making this up. 784 00:42:06,068 --> 00:42:09,321 So he said, "Man, these are good-looking shoes." 785 00:42:09,363 --> 00:42:11,698 I know they're good-looking shoes. That's why I bought them. 786 00:42:11,740 --> 00:42:14,451 Why did you need to try on one of my shoes 787 00:42:14,493 --> 00:42:16,119 to know it was a good looking shoe? 788 00:42:16,161 --> 00:42:18,997 He said, "Tell you what. Do you want to try on one of my shoes?" 789 00:42:19,706 --> 00:42:21,291 I was like, "Why not?" 790 00:42:21,333 --> 00:42:23,794 Well, here's why not? Because it's stupid. That's why not. 791 00:42:23,836 --> 00:42:25,963 But I wasn't ready for this kind of thing. 792 00:42:26,004 --> 00:42:29,800 So I'm literally wearing one of my shoes and one of his shoes. 793 00:42:29,842 --> 00:42:32,261 He's wearing one of his shoes and one of my shoes. 794 00:42:32,302 --> 00:42:36,890 And he said, "Hey, man, um, I... Do you just want to trade?" 795 00:42:36,932 --> 00:42:40,018 Well, I might try on someone else's shoes at their beck and call, 796 00:42:40,060 --> 00:42:41,728 but I'm not necessarily going to trade for keeps 797 00:42:41,770 --> 00:42:44,064 because that's a permanent transaction. 798 00:42:44,106 --> 00:42:48,318 And so I said, "Tell you what. Just let me take a walk in both of your shoes. 799 00:42:48,360 --> 00:42:49,903 "And you take a walk in both of my shoes 800 00:42:49,945 --> 00:42:52,155 "and we can meet back here at the park bench 801 00:42:52,197 --> 00:42:55,993 "and decide." You know. So that's what we did. 802 00:42:56,034 --> 00:42:58,453 So I'm walking in the stranger's shoes 803 00:42:58,495 --> 00:43:00,289 and I think, well, I've already got them on now. 804 00:43:00,330 --> 00:43:02,291 And his shoes were so comfortable. 805 00:43:02,332 --> 00:43:06,461 It felt like cotton between my toes. It was like walking on air. 806 00:43:06,503 --> 00:43:10,048 So I decided I think the best thing I could do 807 00:43:10,090 --> 00:43:12,301 is just to trade shoes with this guy. 808 00:43:12,342 --> 00:43:13,927 That's a good idea to do now. 809 00:43:13,969 --> 00:43:16,972 And so I came back to the bench and he was still sitting there 810 00:43:17,014 --> 00:43:19,266 and he said, "Well, did you think about it?" 811 00:43:19,308 --> 00:43:21,059 And I said, "Yes, sir, I did." 812 00:43:21,101 --> 00:43:23,562 And he said, "What do you want to do?" I said, "Let's do this thing." 813 00:43:23,604 --> 00:43:27,399 So we shook hands and said goodbye and parted ways. 814 00:43:27,441 --> 00:43:31,653 And if anybody ever asks me, "Have I ever walked a mile in someone else's shoes?" 815 00:43:31,695 --> 00:43:33,405 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 816 00:43:35,282 --> 00:43:36,658 You have no idea. 817 00:43:38,660 --> 00:43:40,996 My mom went on a shopping spree from a grocery store, 818 00:43:41,038 --> 00:43:44,958 and they said she had 2 minutes to run around and grab everything for free. 819 00:43:45,000 --> 00:43:47,419 And she went straight for the cash register. 820 00:43:54,051 --> 00:43:55,552 I told her to go for the butter. 821 00:43:55,594 --> 00:43:57,679 In this is an economy, I cannot afford name brand butter. 822 00:43:57,721 --> 00:44:00,599 I cannot even afford regular generic butter. 823 00:44:00,641 --> 00:44:03,227 I have to buy generic generic butter. 824 00:44:03,268 --> 00:44:04,811 It's called "I can't believe I can't afford it. 825 00:44:04,853 --> 00:44:06,146 "I can't believe it's not butter." 826 00:44:07,689 --> 00:44:11,318 I, uh... Back in Alabama, we, uh... 827 00:44:11,360 --> 00:44:13,612 We used to rank 49th in education. 828 00:44:13,654 --> 00:44:16,448 And I told my school teacher, and she said, who got 40-10th? 829 00:44:16,490 --> 00:44:18,283 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 830 00:44:21,620 --> 00:44:24,456 It's like, I don't know, Mom. 831 00:44:24,498 --> 00:44:27,125 I do know I told that joke in Mississippi, and they didn't get it. 832 00:44:29,127 --> 00:44:32,047 Back in Alabama, our yard was all dirt, 833 00:44:32,089 --> 00:44:33,966 and we could not afford grass or sod. 834 00:44:34,007 --> 00:44:36,260 And my mom had told me that old saying, 835 00:44:36,301 --> 00:44:38,220 "The grass is always on the other side." 836 00:44:38,262 --> 00:44:39,972 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 837 00:44:43,183 --> 00:44:45,018 One time I was out there barefoot, 838 00:44:45,060 --> 00:44:47,271 and I got bit by a big old fat ant. 839 00:44:48,480 --> 00:44:49,773 It was Aunt Peggy. 840 00:44:49,815 --> 00:44:51,233 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 841 00:44:53,110 --> 00:44:55,737 Aunt Peggy taught me all those old Alabama sayings like, 842 00:44:55,779 --> 00:44:59,449 "An apple a day will not keep the doctor away, but a restraining order will." 843 00:45:01,285 --> 00:45:03,495 Here's a little song I like to sing to my children. 844 00:45:03,537 --> 00:45:04,580 Here's the problem. 845 00:45:04,621 --> 00:45:06,498 So the mic stand... 846 00:45:06,540 --> 00:45:07,958 The mic stand is not tall enough. 847 00:45:08,000 --> 00:45:11,170 I'm a tall guy. I'm a big boy. So... 848 00:45:11,211 --> 00:45:14,381 Do we have any volunteers who could just come hold the mic for me? 849 00:45:14,423 --> 00:45:15,883 Would you? Would you mind? 850 00:45:15,924 --> 00:45:17,342 [AUDIENCE CHEERING] 851 00:45:26,852 --> 00:45:28,645 [AUDIENCE CONTINUES CHEERING] 852 00:45:32,107 --> 00:45:34,610 - WOMAN 1: Go, Carmen! - WOMAN 2: Whoo! 853 00:45:38,947 --> 00:45:40,032 [LAUGHTER] 854 00:45:45,454 --> 00:45:48,248 - It's very awkward but it's... - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 855 00:45:52,794 --> 00:45:54,630 I like that less than all the other... 856 00:46:03,430 --> 00:46:06,767 ♪ Old MacDonald had a farm E-I-E-I-O 857 00:46:06,808 --> 00:46:08,560 ♪ And on that farm he had 858 00:46:08,602 --> 00:46:11,355 ♪ A random conglomeration Of arbitrary vowels 859 00:46:11,396 --> 00:46:12,689 ♪ E-I-E-I-O 860 00:46:15,567 --> 00:46:17,361 ♪ With an "E" here And "I" there 861 00:46:17,402 --> 00:46:19,571 ♪ Another "E" another "I" Then comes a random "O" 862 00:46:19,613 --> 00:46:20,989 ♪ Old MacDonald Had a phonics problem 863 00:46:21,031 --> 00:46:22,658 ♪ E-I-E-I-O... 864 00:46:22,699 --> 00:46:24,451 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 865 00:46:29,790 --> 00:46:32,000 He probably went to the University of Alabama, 866 00:46:35,212 --> 00:46:37,047 ♪ And on that farm He had a bird 867 00:46:37,089 --> 00:46:38,549 ♪ E-I-E-I-O 868 00:46:38,590 --> 00:46:41,844 ♪ With a... Here and a... there Here, there... 869 00:46:41,885 --> 00:46:43,595 It must have been a penguin. 870 00:46:43,637 --> 00:46:45,264 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 871 00:46:48,392 --> 00:46:49,893 Because penguins don't make noise. 872 00:46:49,935 --> 00:46:51,562 You know what I'm saying? So... 873 00:46:53,522 --> 00:46:55,899 They're a silent type of bird. 874 00:46:58,193 --> 00:46:59,611 ♪ And on that farm he... 875 00:46:59,653 --> 00:47:02,197 - [CARMEN LAUGHS] - You breathed on my neck. 876 00:47:08,704 --> 00:47:10,372 The yuckiest mic stand. 877 00:47:13,584 --> 00:47:15,085 ♪ On that farm he had... 878 00:47:15,127 --> 00:47:17,796 This time it was a regular bird. It wasn't a flightless bird. 879 00:47:17,838 --> 00:47:22,176 It wasn't an ostrich or an emu. It wasn't another penguin. 880 00:47:22,217 --> 00:47:23,969 It was a flightful bird. 881 00:47:24,011 --> 00:47:27,472 - Like, maybe it could have been a pigeon or a sparrow. - [INAUDIBLE] 882 00:47:27,514 --> 00:47:29,766 Please don't speak, mic stand. So... 883 00:47:31,018 --> 00:47:33,979 You have one job here. So... 884 00:47:34,021 --> 00:47:36,064 But you're right. It could have been a duck. 885 00:47:37,274 --> 00:47:38,984 But it wasn't a duck. 886 00:47:39,026 --> 00:47:41,528 It was a different... Like a common feathered type. 887 00:47:41,570 --> 00:47:42,863 Like maybe one of those blue speckled... 888 00:47:42,905 --> 00:47:44,114 ♪ E-I-E-I-O 889 00:47:47,284 --> 00:47:50,370 ♪ With a... here and a... there Here, there... 890 00:47:50,412 --> 00:47:52,831 - It was a dead bird. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 891 00:48:01,840 --> 00:48:04,218 This part of the show has been brought to you by Chick-fil-A. 892 00:48:04,259 --> 00:48:05,761 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 893 00:48:07,095 --> 00:48:08,764 ♪ And on that farm He had a comedian 894 00:48:08,805 --> 00:48:13,101 ♪ Who still had roughly 22 seconds To fulfill his contract 895 00:48:13,143 --> 00:48:14,561 ♪ E-I-E-I-O 896 00:48:16,939 --> 00:48:18,774 ♪ With a blah, blah here And blah, blah, there 897 00:48:18,815 --> 00:48:20,442 ♪ Here a blah, there a blah, Everywhere a blah, blah 898 00:48:20,484 --> 00:48:22,194 ♪ Blah, blah here And a blah, blah there 899 00:48:22,236 --> 00:48:24,154 ♪ Here a blah, there a blah, Everywhere a blah, blah 900 00:48:26,532 --> 00:48:28,200 ♪ Blah, blah here And a blah, blah there 901 00:48:28,242 --> 00:48:29,868 ♪ Here a blah, there a blah, Everywhere a blah, blah 902 00:48:29,910 --> 00:48:31,995 ♪ Old MacDonald had a farm 903 00:48:32,037 --> 00:48:33,956 ♪ E-I-E-I...♪ 904 00:48:33,997 --> 00:48:35,916 - I don't work overtime. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 905 00:48:35,958 --> 00:48:37,501 [CHEERING] 906 00:48:49,137 --> 00:48:54,852 ♪ For by grace, you have been Saved through faith 907 00:48:54,893 --> 00:48:59,356 ♪ And this is not your own doing 908 00:48:59,398 --> 00:49:02,359 ♪ It is the gift of God 909 00:49:02,401 --> 00:49:05,988 ♪ Not the result of works 910 00:49:06,029 --> 00:49:11,910 ♪ For by grace, you have been Saved through faith 911 00:49:11,952 --> 00:49:16,623 ♪ And this is not your own doing 912 00:49:16,665 --> 00:49:18,917 ♪ It is the gift of God 913 00:49:18,959 --> 00:49:22,296 ♪ Not the result of works 914 00:49:22,337 --> 00:49:25,382 ♪ So no one may boast ♪