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- [Announcer] And now
ladies and gentlemen,

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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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Canada's own and the pride
of Brampton, Ontario,

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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Etihad Arena, give it up

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for Russell Peters!

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- Hey, hey,

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Abu Dhabi!

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Give it up for my DJ,
Starting From Scratch,

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the one and only.

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Give it up for that guy for
never giving up a buffet.

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Give it up.

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I mean that respectfully, I mean.

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I mean they're called skinny
jeans is all I'm saying.

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Good to have white people in the middle.

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That's nice to see.

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This is how you know the Arabs
didn't wanna sit right there.

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They're like, no, please.

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I'll be like, please, take this seat.

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Best seat, best seat.

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No, I love you.

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I want you to have.

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I want you, please, enjoy.

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Please, please.

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Where are you guys from?

26
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- UK.

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- UK, I'm fine, thank you,
but where are you from?

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Where are you from?

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- You don't like my answer.

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I'm from Russia.

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- You're from Russia?

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That's okay.

33
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I'm not Ukrainian. It's
fine, you can be Russian.

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I don't give a shit,

35
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and you're from the UK?

36
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- London.
- Good, London, and you?

37
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- Dubai.

38
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- Dubai, no, that's what I
thought when I looked at you.

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Look like a bootleg Dubai,

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maybe like the karama version of Dubai.

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I don't know, man,

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and what's your name, Russian guy?

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Your name?
- Tim.

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- Tim?
- Yeah, Timor.

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- Tim, Timor?

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Timor, Timor.

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- I'm actually also from Dubai, but.

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- I know you all think you're from Dubai,

49
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but if you don't have an Emirati passport,

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you're just visiting like the rest of us.

51
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What are you doing out here, Tim?

52
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What made you invade?

53
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I mean, come, come here.

54
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- Here, I'm laughing, having a good time.

55
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- You're having a good time.

56
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You living out here or you live out here?

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- Yeah.
- Is your hearing bad?

58
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Were you on the war front

59
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and the fucking explosions got to you?

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Boom, bliat, I don't
know what is happening.

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Do you know that brown kid
beside you, that one there?

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Do you know him?

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Just checking.

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I mean, it's Dubai.

65
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Everybody owns an Indian somehow.

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I don't know.

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We all check.

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I dunno if there was a
group on or something, but.

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Well, it's nice to see white
people at least, you know?

70
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And then people in white.

71
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I don't like the term.

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I want to let you guys know.
What's your name, English guy?

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- Martin.
- Martin?

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- Yes, right.

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Be honest with you, Martin,
you sound like a bit of a cunt.

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I say it with respect, mate, all right?

77
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And who's the ginger bastard with you?

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Hey, the big guy's like,
thank God the heat's off me.

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It's better to get it first,

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then the rest of 'em take it after.

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You know what I mean?

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- My boss.
- That's your boss?

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Oh nice, are you the boss?

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He's like, don't enter anything either.

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Are you Arab, sir?

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No, what are you?

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- From Pakistan. I live in.
- You're from Pakistan.

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So you're Indian.

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Listen, if you did some
DNA tracing, surprise.

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I don't like the term
white people, Martin.

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That's what I was trying to say.

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I'll tell you why I don't
like the term white people,

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because you hear white people,

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you automatically assume color,

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and that's just not the case with white.

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Anybody could be physically white, really.

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Anybody, like you can go to
India and go to the north,

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and you'll meet a guy with
white skin and blue eyes.

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You'll be like, you white?

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He'd be like, not even a tiny bit.

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Like white's more than the color.

102
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You know, like look at some of the Asians.

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Look at some of the Chinese,
the Koreans, the Japanese.

104
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They're physically
whiter than white people,

105
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but somehow, white people
got the title of white.

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Obviously, you know, when
you look at the other Asians

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that they're not white, you
know, for obvious reasons,

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'cause they're good at math, you know?

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So, but even though white
people got the title of white,

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like there's a lot of
people that are like,

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look at the girl behind you.

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She's very light skinned, right?

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You're a light skinned
lady, but I could tell

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that you're not white, but
white people wouldn't know.

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You know what I mean?

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Are you Pakistani?

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I could tell right away.

118
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You guys gave each other
some sort of weird look like.

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I dunno, some sort of
weird Pakistani hand code,

120
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but physically, you're very fair-skinned.

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You know what I mean?

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Like would you have known, Martin,

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that that lady wasn't white?

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I mean, obviously 'cause we're here,

125
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but if we were somewhere
else, you might have thought,

126
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you know, this is what happens
to like non-white people

127
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that are very light skinned.

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We have this identity crisis.

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So we'll try to pass
ourselves, not me but them.

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They will, I don't fucking
pass off as anything, you know,

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other than, you know, what you see,

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but you'll meet like people
that are very light-skinned

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and they'll pass themselves off as white,

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and the only people that
believe them are white people.

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The rest of us can see right through them,

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and like, I'm like, dude,
I know you're not white.

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How do you know I'm not
white? Don't I look white?

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I go, you're very fair-skinned,
but I know you're not white.

139
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Well, how do you know I'm not
white? Don't I look white?

140
00:07:33,879 --> 00:07:38,098
I go, you look pale,
but I know you're not.

141
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How do you know I'm not white?

142
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Because your fucking name is Gerbreet,

143
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and when you're not actually white

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but you're just physically white,

145
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like you're not an actual white person,

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your body will remind you.

147
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You know what I mean?

148
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Like, you sweetheart, you're
very fair-skinned, right?

149
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But I bet you your nipples
are chocolatey as fuck.

150
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You know what I mean?

151
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Like just, you know what I mean?

152
00:08:01,065 --> 00:08:05,065
Like show me one real
quick, just one, just one.

153
00:08:06,275 --> 00:08:07,858
It's not for me.

154
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It's for science, it's for science.

155
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I don't want to see it like
sexually just, okay, white lady.

156
00:08:15,940 --> 00:08:16,773
There's a white lady.

157
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White lady, show her
one of yours real quick.

158
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I want you to see what they
look like when they're raw.

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It's like uncooked.

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White women have nipple tartar.

161
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It's amazing.

162
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You gotta see this.

163
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Okay, take me, for example, right?

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I'm a medium brown, right?

165
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There's darker brown than me.

166
00:08:43,410 --> 00:08:45,632
There's lighter brown than me, right?

167
00:08:45,632 --> 00:08:49,669
But even though I'm medium
brown, my junk black as fuck.

168
00:08:49,669 --> 00:08:51,252
I don't understand.

169
00:08:52,347 --> 00:08:53,757
I'm showering, I'm uncomfortable.

170
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Like who is this?

171
00:09:15,064 --> 00:09:17,314
Somebody just got the joke.

172
00:09:19,324 --> 00:09:22,215
Backstage, they're like,
there might be a delay

173
00:09:22,215 --> 00:09:23,965
with the translation.

174
00:09:24,833 --> 00:09:27,075
I didn't know the delay was
gonna be fucking two days later.

175
00:09:27,075 --> 00:09:28,658
I didn't know that.

176
00:09:31,304 --> 00:09:32,158
I got kids.

177
00:09:32,158 --> 00:09:32,991
I know.

178
00:09:32,991 --> 00:09:34,844
You got kids, Timor?

179
00:09:34,844 --> 00:09:36,305
How many you got, four?

180
00:09:36,305 --> 00:09:38,760
Jesus, you're just like the Russians.

181
00:09:38,760 --> 00:09:40,763
You won't pull out of anything.

182
00:09:48,186 --> 00:09:50,519
Okay, your is Ukraine, okay?

183
00:09:53,181 --> 00:09:54,848
I will not pull out.

184
00:10:02,279 --> 00:10:04,862
Four from one woman, one woman?

185
00:10:06,169 --> 00:10:08,251
Nice, congrats.

186
00:10:08,251 --> 00:10:11,501
It's honorable, 'cause I have four kids

187
00:10:14,392 --> 00:10:16,872
but I only made two of them.

188
00:10:16,872 --> 00:10:19,193
I made two, and then my
wife, she has her own two

189
00:10:19,193 --> 00:10:23,963
that she made before me,
'cause you know she's a whore.

190
00:10:23,963 --> 00:10:24,796
I'm kidding.

191
00:10:24,796 --> 00:10:25,629
She's here.

192
00:10:25,629 --> 00:10:26,721
Babe, I love you, don't leave me.

193
00:10:26,721 --> 00:10:28,321
I don't know where they put my wife,

194
00:10:28,321 --> 00:10:31,238
but hopefully not near an exit row.

195
00:10:32,879 --> 00:10:37,531
I got two kids that I made,
but like I said, Muhammad,

196
00:10:37,531 --> 00:10:41,582
I grew up with Jamaicans,
and so I got some good habits

197
00:10:41,582 --> 00:10:42,415
and some bad habits.

198
00:10:42,415 --> 00:10:46,561
I got rhythm, but then I
got bad habits, you know?

199
00:10:46,561 --> 00:10:49,422
So I got two kids from
two different women.

200
00:10:49,422 --> 00:10:53,801
Thanks, Jamaicans, and
both of my kids are mixed.

201
00:10:53,801 --> 00:10:57,102
Both of my kids are half Hispanic.

202
00:10:57,102 --> 00:10:58,821
I dunno if there's any
Hispanic people here tonight,

203
00:10:58,821 --> 00:10:59,912
Spanish speaking, you know?

204
00:11:00,995 --> 00:11:02,460
Where are you guys from?

205
00:11:02,460 --> 00:11:03,293
- Mexico.
- Mexico,

206
00:11:03,293 --> 00:11:06,043
how the fuck did you end up here?

207
00:11:07,627 --> 00:11:08,939
How many walls did you want to hop?

208
00:11:08,939 --> 00:11:10,022
Jesus Christ.

209
00:11:14,532 --> 00:11:16,733
Mira, we'll hop a wall, a wall,

210
00:11:16,733 --> 00:11:18,691
and then we'll end up with Wallid.

211
00:11:23,063 --> 00:11:24,366
Are you from Mexico?

212
00:11:24,366 --> 00:11:25,199
- Jeuvo.

213
00:11:25,199 --> 00:11:26,313
- Juevo?
- Juevo.

214
00:11:26,313 --> 00:11:27,777
- Your juevos are from Mexico?

215
00:11:27,777 --> 00:11:29,777
Congrats on your juevos.

216
00:11:31,337 --> 00:11:33,446
Yeah, I got two half-Hispanic kids,

217
00:11:33,446 --> 00:11:36,086
but when you have mixed kids,
I want you to know something.

218
00:11:36,086 --> 00:11:38,284
Was your wife Russian?

219
00:11:38,284 --> 00:11:39,985
No, what is she?

220
00:11:39,985 --> 00:11:44,558
Ukraine, that's basically,
so I really wasn't wrong

221
00:11:44,558 --> 00:11:46,126
from the beginning at all, was I?

222
00:11:52,805 --> 00:11:56,055
Baby, this move is called chicken Kyev.

223
00:12:09,260 --> 00:12:11,248
That's not really, I
mean, to you, it's mixed,

224
00:12:11,248 --> 00:12:12,331
but not, you know.

225
00:12:12,331 --> 00:12:13,581
- No, it's not.

226
00:12:14,477 --> 00:12:15,982
- Here's the thing.

227
00:12:15,982 --> 00:12:18,056
When you have mixed kids,
you'll know this to be true.

228
00:12:18,056 --> 00:12:19,136
Oh, there's a couple right there.

229
00:12:19,136 --> 00:12:19,969
I could see that.

230
00:12:19,969 --> 00:12:23,405
That's clearly not the same two people.

231
00:12:23,405 --> 00:12:24,689
Where are you from, sir?

232
00:12:24,689 --> 00:12:25,637
- South Africa.
- South African,

233
00:12:25,637 --> 00:12:27,241
and you're Filipina?

234
00:12:27,241 --> 00:12:28,074
What are you?

235
00:12:28,074 --> 00:12:28,998
- Chinese.
- Chinese, oh wow.

236
00:12:28,998 --> 00:12:30,299
Look at that.

237
00:12:30,299 --> 00:12:34,710
Who would've thought, and
what's your name, sweetheart?

238
00:12:34,710 --> 00:12:36,043
- Christine.
- Christine?

239
00:12:36,043 --> 00:12:37,307
Oh for sure, yeah.

240
00:12:43,594 --> 00:12:44,427
No, I looked at you.

241
00:12:44,427 --> 00:12:46,354
I was like, that's fucking
Christine for sure.

242
00:12:46,354 --> 00:12:49,022
Where are your parents from, Christine?

243
00:12:49,022 --> 00:12:50,762
- Hong Kong.
- Hong Kong, oh yeah, very.

244
00:12:50,762 --> 00:12:53,762
It's a very popular name, Christine.

245
00:12:55,244 --> 00:12:57,114
Do you have a Chinese
name as well, Christine?

246
00:12:57,114 --> 00:12:58,418
What is it?

247
00:12:58,418 --> 00:12:59,907
- Moi Fen.
- Was it?

248
00:12:59,907 --> 00:13:01,574
- Moi Fen?
- Moi Fen?

249
00:13:02,986 --> 00:13:04,918
Isn't that they give you
when you're in the hospital?

250
00:13:07,339 --> 00:13:09,756
We have to give you morphine.

251
00:13:14,061 --> 00:13:15,894
She's in so much pain.

252
00:13:16,960 --> 00:13:20,877
She need morphine, and
what's your family name?

253
00:13:22,620 --> 00:13:25,310
Wong, so you're a Wong morphine.

254
00:13:25,310 --> 00:13:27,477
We gave the Wong morphine.

255
00:13:33,208 --> 00:13:34,625
That's a lawsuit.

256
00:13:37,738 --> 00:13:39,649
Is that your husband, the sad African guy?

257
00:13:39,649 --> 00:13:41,369
Well, you guys can't
stop colonizing either.

258
00:13:41,369 --> 00:13:45,286
Jesus Christ.

259
00:13:47,007 --> 00:13:49,076
Do you guys have babies?

260
00:13:49,076 --> 00:13:51,251
One, how old?
- Eight and a half months.

261
00:13:51,251 --> 00:13:53,568
- Eight and, well, brand
new, congratulations.

262
00:13:53,568 --> 00:13:56,538
What did you you name,
what, a boy or girl?

263
00:13:56,538 --> 00:13:59,237
Boy, nice, that's good.

264
00:13:59,237 --> 00:14:00,070
What did you name him?

265
00:14:00,070 --> 00:14:02,686
Did you get a South African
name or a Chinese name?

266
00:14:02,686 --> 00:14:03,638
- We named him Callum.

267
00:14:03,638 --> 00:14:05,055
- Callum, Callum?

268
00:14:07,817 --> 00:14:11,484
You gave him a fucking
thick-ass Irish name.

269
00:14:13,556 --> 00:14:17,021
Did you give him a Chinese
name too, Christine?

270
00:14:17,021 --> 00:14:18,526
So just basically your parents' side.

271
00:14:18,526 --> 00:14:20,698
Is that what it was like?

272
00:14:20,698 --> 00:14:22,349
So when he gets older and
people are like, Callum,

273
00:14:22,349 --> 00:14:24,766
why are you always squinting?

274
00:14:25,917 --> 00:14:27,000
I don't know.

275
00:14:30,928 --> 00:14:32,845
I have no fucking clue.

276
00:14:33,857 --> 00:14:35,246
Callum, are you high?

277
00:14:35,246 --> 00:14:37,079
Whatcha talking about.

278
00:14:39,997 --> 00:14:40,858
I wanna see your mom.

279
00:14:40,858 --> 00:14:43,148
Then you can't meet her.

280
00:14:43,148 --> 00:14:45,231
He's my dad, he's my dad.

281
00:14:47,186 --> 00:14:50,019
Congrats on little Callum, Callum.

282
00:14:52,101 --> 00:14:54,286
When he gets older, you'll notice, though,

283
00:14:54,286 --> 00:14:56,372
depending on how you raise him,

284
00:14:56,372 --> 00:14:58,536
it's not even based on how
you raise 'em, in fact.

285
00:14:58,536 --> 00:14:59,624
Like I'll explain what I mean.

286
00:14:59,624 --> 00:15:01,817
Like, my kids are both half.

287
00:15:01,817 --> 00:15:02,650
They're mixed.

288
00:15:02,650 --> 00:15:03,686
Like my daughter, she's 13.

289
00:15:03,686 --> 00:15:05,896
When your kids are mixed,
they can't be both.

290
00:15:05,896 --> 00:15:07,777
Do you know what I mean?
Like my daughter's 13 now.

291
00:15:07,777 --> 00:15:08,896
Her mother's Ecuadorian.

292
00:15:08,896 --> 00:15:12,196
I'm Indian, and I'm noticing
my daughter at 13 is leaning

293
00:15:12,196 --> 00:15:14,404
towards the Indian side, right?

294
00:15:14,404 --> 00:15:15,586
And it's not a victory.

295
00:15:15,586 --> 00:15:16,419
Trust me.

296
00:15:17,919 --> 00:15:19,936
The last thing we need is more.

297
00:15:19,936 --> 00:15:21,686
You know what I mean?

298
00:15:23,064 --> 00:15:26,416
I dunno if you know this,
Christine, but in April of 2023,

299
00:15:26,416 --> 00:15:28,942
India passed China's population.

300
00:15:28,942 --> 00:15:30,749
We have finally out fucked you.

301
00:15:35,362 --> 00:15:36,911
It's really nothing to be proud of.

302
00:15:36,911 --> 00:15:40,143
The Chinese are still way more organized

303
00:15:40,143 --> 00:15:41,962
than the Indians will ever be.

304
00:15:41,962 --> 00:15:43,462
You could tell when you
look at the military.

305
00:15:43,462 --> 00:15:46,002
The Chinese military's all.

306
00:15:46,002 --> 00:15:47,640
You look at the Indian military, they're.

307
00:15:59,470 --> 00:16:02,587
We're never gonna invade anybody.

308
00:16:02,587 --> 00:16:03,598
Pakistan, you're safe.

309
00:16:03,598 --> 00:16:04,568
We're never gonna show up.

310
00:16:04,568 --> 00:16:06,807
Come on, please, just come home.

311
00:16:06,807 --> 00:16:07,640
Come home.

312
00:16:17,785 --> 00:16:20,348
So my daughter, 13, Ecuadorian and Indian,

313
00:16:20,348 --> 00:16:21,726
leaning towards the Indian side.

314
00:16:21,726 --> 00:16:23,876
Now my son, he's four and a half.

315
00:16:23,876 --> 00:16:26,597
His mother's Mexican, and
I'm noticed my son at four

316
00:16:26,597 --> 00:16:29,696
and a half is leaning
towards the Mexican side,

317
00:16:29,696 --> 00:16:32,306
and that's fine with me, but
I gotta be honest with you.

318
00:16:32,306 --> 00:16:35,625
It's a lot more Mexican
than I was prepared for.

319
00:16:35,625 --> 00:16:38,616
I didn't know you could be this
Mexican at four and a half.

320
00:16:38,616 --> 00:16:41,297
I mean, you're only fucking 50% Mexican.

321
00:16:41,297 --> 00:16:42,753
Here's how Mexican my son is.

322
00:16:42,753 --> 00:16:43,968
Just laugh at this punchline,

323
00:16:43,968 --> 00:16:45,568
'cause I know you're
not gonna get it anyway,

324
00:16:45,568 --> 00:16:50,090
but the rest of the world will
so fuck you and laugh, okay?

325
00:16:50,090 --> 00:16:51,096
Here's how Mexican my son is.

326
00:16:51,096 --> 00:16:51,929
I was with him the other day and I said,

327
00:16:51,929 --> 00:16:54,149
"Baby, you wanna go to Chuck E. Cheese?"

328
00:16:54,149 --> 00:16:55,982
He said, "Home Depot."

329
00:17:00,512 --> 00:17:04,595
I said, "Wait, you want
to go inside Home Depot?"

330
00:17:05,580 --> 00:17:06,413
"Outside."

331
00:17:08,910 --> 00:17:10,327
How does he know?

332
00:17:13,358 --> 00:17:15,478
You can't fight genetics.

333
00:17:15,478 --> 00:17:16,910
My son is Mexican as hell.

334
00:17:16,910 --> 00:17:18,859
Here's how Mexican my son is.

335
00:17:18,859 --> 00:17:21,004
What's your name, Mexican guys?

336
00:17:21,004 --> 00:17:22,523
- George.
- Jorge?

337
00:17:22,523 --> 00:17:23,356
- Jorge.
- Jorge

338
00:17:23,356 --> 00:17:25,202
- Javier.
- and Javier.

339
00:17:25,202 --> 00:17:26,452
Jorge and Javi.

340
00:17:28,061 --> 00:17:29,162
Here's how Mexican my son is.

341
00:17:29,162 --> 00:17:31,031
Like I said, I live in Los Angeles,

342
00:17:31,031 --> 00:17:33,042
I have a pool in my backyard,

343
00:17:33,042 --> 00:17:36,709
and I have a fence
around my pool, and yeah,

344
00:17:39,351 --> 00:17:43,407
he's halfway up the fucking thing already.

345
00:17:43,407 --> 00:17:45,232
I pulled him off. You
know what he tried to do?

346
00:17:45,232 --> 00:17:46,102
Dig underneath.

347
00:17:46,102 --> 00:17:48,352
I go, "What are you doing?"

348
00:17:49,815 --> 00:17:54,648
My little chaporito, and then
my wife, my wife is Filipina

349
00:17:58,582 --> 00:18:02,630
and which is kind of awkward
walking around the UAE

350
00:18:02,630 --> 00:18:06,130
with a Indian husband and a Filipino wife.

351
00:18:07,038 --> 00:18:09,509
Everyone thinks the
driver's fucking the nanny.

352
00:18:28,999 --> 00:18:31,770
So my wife is, she's here.

353
00:18:31,770 --> 00:18:32,603
Where's my wife?

354
00:18:32,603 --> 00:18:33,436
Where are you, babe?

355
00:18:33,436 --> 00:18:34,269
Where is she?

356
00:18:34,269 --> 00:18:35,301
She's out there, right?

357
00:18:35,301 --> 00:18:36,967
Is she out there? Do
you know where she is?

358
00:18:36,967 --> 00:18:37,800
Oh, she's over there.

359
00:18:37,800 --> 00:18:38,944
Get a shot of her, and
so as they could see

360
00:18:38,944 --> 00:18:41,378
that she's a real person.

361
00:18:41,378 --> 00:18:42,368
Babe, where are you?

362
00:18:42,368 --> 00:18:43,201
Stand up.

363
00:18:47,277 --> 00:18:48,110
There she is.

364
00:18:48,110 --> 00:18:52,110
That's her, that's her,
that's the one I bought.

365
00:18:55,668 --> 00:18:59,530
Anyway, my wife is Filipina,
and she has two daughters

366
00:18:59,530 --> 00:19:01,610
and those are my daughters now,

367
00:19:01,610 --> 00:19:04,072
'cause their dad wasn't exactly active.

368
00:19:04,072 --> 00:19:05,788
So I stepped in on there way.

369
00:19:05,788 --> 00:19:07,697
I mean, he was active to make them,

370
00:19:07,697 --> 00:19:10,820
but after that, nah, you know,

371
00:19:10,820 --> 00:19:13,478
but so those are my babies now.

372
00:19:13,478 --> 00:19:14,329
Those are my girls.

373
00:19:14,329 --> 00:19:17,787
I raised them, but I
raised 'em from 28 to 31,

374
00:19:24,389 --> 00:19:28,018
but my stepdaughters, they're
half black and half Filipina.

375
00:19:28,018 --> 00:19:30,329
So I got black and Filipino and Hispanic

376
00:19:30,329 --> 00:19:32,662
and Indian all in one house.

377
00:19:33,518 --> 00:19:35,558
I should be getting a
tax grant for something.

378
00:19:35,558 --> 00:19:37,812
I don't know.

379
00:19:37,812 --> 00:19:41,562
The only pure breeds in
my house are my dogs.

380
00:19:49,455 --> 00:19:50,838
Mohammad, you'll appreciate this

381
00:19:50,838 --> 00:19:54,006
since you're the only closest
thing to a black guy we have

382
00:19:54,006 --> 00:19:56,337
in here right now.

383
00:19:56,337 --> 00:20:00,569
I'm the first and only
non-black man my wife

384
00:20:00,569 --> 00:20:02,518
has ever been with.

385
00:20:02,518 --> 00:20:06,937
So thanks.

386
00:20:06,937 --> 00:20:09,937
Those were some big penises to fill.

387
00:20:12,589 --> 00:20:15,109
The first time my wife and
I did it I was so scared,

388
00:20:15,109 --> 00:20:19,458
I taped my balls to my
dick just so it looked

389
00:20:19,458 --> 00:20:22,041
like a Pepsi can coming at her.

390
00:20:25,175 --> 00:20:28,258
first time we did it, and when
I tell you I fell in love,

391
00:20:28,258 --> 00:20:31,925
I fell in and I'm like
a turtle on his back.

392
00:20:39,717 --> 00:20:43,300
We can't have stools
like this in my house.

393
00:20:47,349 --> 00:20:51,099
My wife's like, so .

394
00:20:53,855 --> 00:20:57,106
Baby, where did that stool go?

395
00:20:57,106 --> 00:20:59,905
There it is.

396
00:20:59,905 --> 00:21:00,738
I'm kidding.

397
00:21:00,738 --> 00:21:02,821
She's tight, she's tight.

398
00:21:09,175 --> 00:21:11,518
How old are your kids there, Tim?

399
00:21:11,518 --> 00:21:14,532
- 11, 6, 4 and three months.

400
00:21:14,532 --> 00:21:16,370
- 11, 6, 4 and three months.

401
00:21:16,370 --> 00:21:20,370
Wow, space 'em out, and then
you just rush the last few out.

402
00:21:20,370 --> 00:21:21,909
Nice, congrats, and where's your wife?

403
00:21:21,909 --> 00:21:24,109
I guess with the three
month old back right now?

404
00:21:24,109 --> 00:21:25,774
Yeah, you're like, you have the baby.

405
00:21:25,774 --> 00:21:26,941
You stay home.

406
00:21:29,428 --> 00:21:30,261
Did you come with Martin?

407
00:21:30,261 --> 00:21:33,844
Not come with Martin, 'cause obviously,

408
00:21:33,844 --> 00:21:35,976
judging by your track record,
if you did come with Martin,

409
00:21:35,976 --> 00:21:40,226
he'd be pregnant.

410
00:21:46,866 --> 00:21:48,693
How old are you, Timmy?

411
00:21:48,693 --> 00:21:50,276
- 39.
- 39, Goddamn.

412
00:21:51,724 --> 00:21:52,696
39, have four kids.

413
00:21:52,696 --> 00:21:53,925
I'm 53 now.

414
00:21:53,925 --> 00:21:55,132
That's, it's--
- Woo!

415
00:21:55,132 --> 00:21:57,004
- No, it's nothing a woo about.

416
00:21:57,004 --> 00:22:00,321
I'm getting old.

417
00:22:00,321 --> 00:22:01,154
How old are you, sir?

418
00:22:01,154 --> 00:22:02,652
Are you old or no?

419
00:22:02,652 --> 00:22:04,172
- 36.
- 36, yeah, no,

420
00:22:04,172 --> 00:22:08,471
you're only two years
older than my career.

421
00:22:08,471 --> 00:22:10,380
That's not old to me.

422
00:22:10,380 --> 00:22:14,047
That was still the good
old days for me, 36.

423
00:22:15,266 --> 00:22:17,797
Get older and young people
bother you, you know?

424
00:22:17,797 --> 00:22:22,008
Like I used to think
millennials were assholes,

425
00:22:22,008 --> 00:22:22,968
because I'm Gen X.

426
00:22:22,968 --> 00:22:26,233
That's what I guess my
title would be, Gen X,

427
00:22:26,233 --> 00:22:27,950
and then the millennials
came along and we were like,

428
00:22:27,950 --> 00:22:29,994
fuck you, millennials, and
the millennials were like,

429
00:22:29,994 --> 00:22:31,099
what's your problem, dude?

430
00:22:31,099 --> 00:22:32,699
We're just the next generation.

431
00:22:32,699 --> 00:22:34,032
Why do you gotta be all old?

432
00:22:34,032 --> 00:22:36,090
And you know, you don't understand,

433
00:22:36,090 --> 00:22:37,499
and I'm like, we understand.

434
00:22:37,499 --> 00:22:39,310
There's gonna be somebody to
come along and fuck with you.

435
00:22:39,310 --> 00:22:40,143
No there won't.

436
00:22:40,143 --> 00:22:41,409
We're gonna be understanding.

437
00:22:41,409 --> 00:22:43,190
Then Gen Z showed up and millennials like,

438
00:22:43,190 --> 00:22:44,520
what the fuck is their problem?

439
00:22:44,520 --> 00:22:46,687
I'm like, it's inevitable.

440
00:22:48,749 --> 00:22:51,239
As you get older, the next
generation below you is going

441
00:22:51,239 --> 00:22:52,532
to annoy you.

442
00:22:52,532 --> 00:22:54,521
I remember when I was
in my early twenties,

443
00:22:54,521 --> 00:22:56,132
a guy in his fifties came up to me

444
00:22:56,132 --> 00:22:57,915
and was like, "Your generation sucks.

445
00:22:57,915 --> 00:22:59,044
"Your music is trash.

446
00:22:59,044 --> 00:23:01,185
"You haven't contributed to this world.

447
00:23:01,185 --> 00:23:03,995
"I can't wait for life
to kick you in the nuts."

448
00:23:03,995 --> 00:23:05,734
And I remember looking at
him and thinking in my head,

449
00:23:05,734 --> 00:23:07,901
fuck you, you old bastard.

450
00:23:10,275 --> 00:23:13,203
You're just old and
forgot how to enjoy life.

451
00:23:13,203 --> 00:23:17,453
When I get into my fifties,
I'll never be like you.

452
00:23:20,326 --> 00:23:22,243
Ta-da, it's inevitable.

453
00:23:23,883 --> 00:23:26,824
You don't wanna be like that,
but you just can't help it.

454
00:23:26,824 --> 00:23:28,904
You know, if you ever talk to young people

455
00:23:28,904 --> 00:23:31,026
and you have a young person talk to you

456
00:23:31,026 --> 00:23:35,056
and you're like, just shut the fuck up.

457
00:23:35,056 --> 00:23:36,403
They're the ones that
wanna tell you things.

458
00:23:36,403 --> 00:23:37,236
Hey, did you know?

459
00:23:37,236 --> 00:23:38,324
Did you know, did you know?

460
00:23:38,324 --> 00:23:40,964
Did you know you could shut
the fuck up? Did you know that?

461
00:23:43,883 --> 00:23:45,523
Did you know that in the eighties.

462
00:23:45,523 --> 00:23:46,523
I was there!

463
00:23:52,014 --> 00:23:54,014
You're googling my life.

464
00:23:55,584 --> 00:23:58,174
It's funny because like my generation,

465
00:23:58,174 --> 00:23:59,894
I'll admit this openly,

466
00:23:59,894 --> 00:24:04,227
that my generation is
unreasonably annoyed by Gen Z,

467
00:24:05,483 --> 00:24:06,534
and I'll admit it to you,

468
00:24:06,534 --> 00:24:08,904
and I know there's some Gen Z people here.

469
00:24:08,904 --> 00:24:10,330
I could tell, 'cause you're all fidgeting

470
00:24:10,330 --> 00:24:11,282
like fucking crackheads,

471
00:24:11,282 --> 00:24:12,722
'cause you don't have
your phones right now.

472
00:24:12,722 --> 00:24:17,722
You're like.

473
00:24:24,502 --> 00:24:26,835
I just need one TikTok, man.

474
00:24:28,681 --> 00:24:31,348
Let me just check a TikTok, man.

475
00:24:32,221 --> 00:24:36,721
I got these cheeseburgers.

476
00:24:39,930 --> 00:24:41,680
That was for Scratch,

477
00:24:44,152 --> 00:24:46,701
but everything that my
generation doesn't like about you

478
00:24:46,701 --> 00:24:49,360
young people, that kid
who answers questions

479
00:24:49,360 --> 00:24:52,810
and doesn't know he is answering them.

480
00:24:52,810 --> 00:24:54,000
What's your name, buddy?

481
00:24:54,000 --> 00:24:54,833
- Khaled.
- What?

482
00:24:54,833 --> 00:24:57,060
- Khaled.
- Khaled?

483
00:24:57,060 --> 00:25:00,414
Hey, Khalid, how old are you, Khaled?

484
00:25:00,414 --> 00:25:02,174
- 18.
- 18, yeah, you're exactly

485
00:25:02,174 --> 00:25:03,392
who I'm talking about, yeah.

486
00:25:08,003 --> 00:25:10,836
We're gonna call you Khala Khaled.

487
00:25:15,441 --> 00:25:18,281
I feel bad, 'cause your mom's right there,

488
00:25:18,281 --> 00:25:20,218
'cause every time I say
something, your mom does this.

489
00:25:20,218 --> 00:25:21,051
Oh yeah.

490
00:25:25,138 --> 00:25:25,976
This is the one time your mom was like,

491
00:25:25,976 --> 00:25:29,893
I wish I wore the full,
I wish I wore the full.

492
00:25:32,730 --> 00:25:35,730
The one day I should have worn full.

493
00:25:37,941 --> 00:25:40,358
I bring Khala Khaled with me.

494
00:25:45,053 --> 00:25:47,650
Khaled, I'll tell you,
my generation is mean

495
00:25:47,650 --> 00:25:52,233
to your generation, and I
wanna apologize, but I can't,

496
00:25:54,819 --> 00:25:56,279
but it's true, but here's the thing.

497
00:25:56,279 --> 00:26:00,057
Everything my generation doesn't
like about your generation

498
00:26:00,057 --> 00:26:03,018
is actually my generation's fault.

499
00:26:03,018 --> 00:26:05,589
Like every single thing you
guys do that we don't like,

500
00:26:05,589 --> 00:26:07,650
we made that happen.

501
00:26:07,650 --> 00:26:08,914
Like think about what our generation says

502
00:26:08,914 --> 00:26:10,287
about younger people.

503
00:26:10,287 --> 00:26:12,085
They're fucking lazy.

504
00:26:12,085 --> 00:26:15,206
That's our fault, because my
generation said, you know what?

505
00:26:15,206 --> 00:26:19,956
I'm gonna work hard so my kids
don't have to work that hard.

506
00:26:19,956 --> 00:26:21,985
So they can enjoy life a little bit more,

507
00:26:25,275 --> 00:26:27,646
but now we're mad at them for it.

508
00:26:27,646 --> 00:26:28,845
Like why don't you get a job?

509
00:26:28,845 --> 00:26:30,475
I got a job.

510
00:26:30,475 --> 00:26:32,253
I started a YouTube channel.

511
00:26:35,351 --> 00:26:36,851
I'm an influencer.

512
00:26:38,413 --> 00:26:41,411
What the fuck is an influencer?

513
00:26:41,411 --> 00:26:43,119
What do you do?

514
00:26:43,119 --> 00:26:45,702
I open packages, and I film it,

515
00:26:49,049 --> 00:26:52,751
and I tell people what's
inside the package,

516
00:26:52,751 --> 00:26:56,084
and I give them a review of the package.

517
00:26:57,471 --> 00:26:59,471
It's called an unboxing.

518
00:27:01,690 --> 00:27:05,498
That's the dumbest thing
I've ever heard in my life.

519
00:27:05,498 --> 00:27:07,797
Who watches this shit?

520
00:27:07,797 --> 00:27:10,214
I have 5 million subscribers.

521
00:27:14,098 --> 00:27:16,598
Influencer, that's a real job.

522
00:27:17,527 --> 00:27:20,473
We didn't have any
influencers in my generation.

523
00:27:20,473 --> 00:27:22,654
Saled, did you know any
influencers growing up?

524
00:27:22,654 --> 00:27:23,487
I did, I knew one.

525
00:27:23,487 --> 00:27:24,954
I knew one influencer.

526
00:27:24,954 --> 00:27:27,405
It was my dad's right hand.

527
00:27:27,405 --> 00:27:30,405
That was the only influencer I knew.

528
00:27:32,120 --> 00:27:32,953
Do the dishes.

529
00:27:32,953 --> 00:27:33,786
I don't want to.

530
00:27:33,786 --> 00:27:35,222
How about influence you?

531
00:27:37,714 --> 00:27:40,881
I'll open your head up like a package.

532
00:27:41,833 --> 00:27:45,416
I'll tell everybody
what's inside, nothing.

533
00:27:49,541 --> 00:27:53,124
Unboxing.

534
00:27:57,431 --> 00:28:01,014
My generation boxed,
this generation unbox.

535
00:28:02,077 --> 00:28:04,160
Pop-pop, oh, look inside.

536
00:28:07,986 --> 00:28:09,755
It comes in great packaging.

537
00:28:09,755 --> 00:28:10,922
I really like.

538
00:28:11,816 --> 00:28:12,725
It's a nice weight.

539
00:28:12,725 --> 00:28:15,142
It's got a good weight to it,

540
00:28:18,183 --> 00:28:21,303
but everything they do that
we don't like, we did this.

541
00:28:21,303 --> 00:28:22,637
They're always on their cell phone.

542
00:28:22,637 --> 00:28:23,812
That's our fault.

543
00:28:23,812 --> 00:28:25,912
We made the cell phone.

544
00:28:25,912 --> 00:28:27,592
They don't know what life was
like without the internet.

545
00:28:27,592 --> 00:28:28,425
That's our fault.

546
00:28:28,425 --> 00:28:30,270
We made the internet.

547
00:28:30,270 --> 00:28:31,228
They're soft.

548
00:28:31,228 --> 00:28:33,638
They never got beaten by their parents.

549
00:28:33,638 --> 00:28:35,388
We are their parents.

550
00:28:36,918 --> 00:28:40,546
It was our job to whoop
their asses, and we failed,

551
00:28:40,546 --> 00:28:41,636
and I know I'm guilty of it,

552
00:28:41,636 --> 00:28:44,063
'cause before I had kids,
I talked all kinds of shit.

553
00:28:44,063 --> 00:28:45,153
I was like, yo, you watch.

554
00:28:45,153 --> 00:28:47,705
When I have kids, I'm gonna fuck them up.

555
00:28:49,683 --> 00:28:50,517
What did I have first?

556
00:28:50,517 --> 00:28:54,171
A daughter, nope, never
gonna hit my daughter.

557
00:28:54,171 --> 00:28:57,683
13 years old, sweetest
little girl in the world.

558
00:28:57,683 --> 00:29:00,393
I raised my voice at my daughter.

559
00:29:00,393 --> 00:29:02,673
I raised my voice at my daughter once

560
00:29:02,673 --> 00:29:04,342
and then I cried right after.

561
00:29:06,253 --> 00:29:07,235
You know the worst part was?

562
00:29:07,235 --> 00:29:08,790
She consoled me.

563
00:29:08,790 --> 00:29:11,088
She was, it's okay, daddy.

564
00:29:11,088 --> 00:29:12,755
You're a nice daddy,

565
00:29:17,630 --> 00:29:19,159
but if you think about it,

566
00:29:19,159 --> 00:29:22,911
every generation's ass
whoopings got less and less

567
00:29:22,911 --> 00:29:25,220
and less to where it's at now.

568
00:29:25,220 --> 00:29:26,540
I remember my dad used to tell me

569
00:29:26,540 --> 00:29:31,001
how much better my ass whoopings
were than the ones he got

570
00:29:31,001 --> 00:29:33,418
while he was whooping my ass.

571
00:29:34,439 --> 00:29:36,572
You're lucky this is all you're getting!

572
00:29:36,572 --> 00:29:40,583
You know your grandfather
threw a leopard at me.

573
00:29:40,583 --> 00:29:41,833
What the, what?

574
00:29:45,413 --> 00:29:48,103
Where'd he get a leopard from?

575
00:29:48,103 --> 00:29:48,936
It was India.

576
00:29:48,936 --> 00:29:50,686
They went everywhere.

577
00:29:51,943 --> 00:29:53,743
I was like, dad, I've
been to India 20 times.

578
00:29:53,743 --> 00:29:55,983
I never saw one leopard.

579
00:29:55,983 --> 00:29:58,900
That's because of your grandfather.

580
00:30:04,095 --> 00:30:08,974
Everything that's wrong with
this generation is our fault.

581
00:30:08,974 --> 00:30:12,728
We did this to them, but they
took it to another level.

582
00:30:12,728 --> 00:30:16,521
We kind of set it up, and they
just went extreme with it.

583
00:30:16,521 --> 00:30:18,441
Like I'm from the generation
that makes fun of you.

584
00:30:18,441 --> 00:30:20,934
When we meet you, my
generation makes fun of you.

585
00:30:20,934 --> 00:30:23,865
We fuck with you, and that's
how we check your temperature.

586
00:30:23,865 --> 00:30:25,634
Like if you can deal with my bullshit,

587
00:30:25,634 --> 00:30:27,613
then we can be friends.

588
00:30:27,613 --> 00:30:28,446
You know what I mean?

589
00:30:28,446 --> 00:30:30,813
But this younger generation,
they do not get that at all,

590
00:30:30,813 --> 00:30:33,024
'cause they're so used to being fake.

591
00:30:33,024 --> 00:30:34,634
Like everything about them is fake.

592
00:30:34,634 --> 00:30:36,569
You don't know how to be real anymore.

593
00:30:36,569 --> 00:30:37,402
Maybe you do.

594
00:30:37,402 --> 00:30:38,235
I don't know, Khaled.

595
00:30:38,235 --> 00:30:40,346
You don't. I can tell you don't
because you raised your hand

596
00:30:40,346 --> 00:30:41,608
and put it down when I asked you.

597
00:30:41,608 --> 00:30:43,608
Like I don't have hands.

598
00:30:44,556 --> 00:30:45,389
Why not?

599
00:30:45,389 --> 00:30:49,979
I'm Khala Khaled,

600
00:30:49,979 --> 00:30:52,217
but everything like your
generation really doesn't

601
00:30:52,217 --> 00:30:53,427
understand the ball breaking.

602
00:30:53,427 --> 00:30:55,367
That's what we call it, Khaled.

603
00:30:55,367 --> 00:30:56,666
We call it ball breaking.

604
00:30:56,666 --> 00:30:58,458
That's what guys do from my generation.

605
00:30:58,458 --> 00:31:00,906
We break balls, and that's
how we know we're okay.

606
00:31:00,906 --> 00:31:02,409
In America, it's even worse.

607
00:31:02,409 --> 00:31:03,857
Like I'll give you an example.

608
00:31:03,857 --> 00:31:06,190
I went to this store, right?

609
00:31:07,108 --> 00:31:08,308
And I was buying a bunch of stuff,

610
00:31:08,308 --> 00:31:10,238
and I get to the cash to pay for it,

611
00:31:10,238 --> 00:31:14,326
and there's two young Gen Z
fuckfaces working there, right?

612
00:31:14,326 --> 00:31:18,982
A guy and a girl maybe
20, 21 years old, right?

613
00:31:18,982 --> 00:31:21,725
And the guy's ringing me up,

614
00:31:21,725 --> 00:31:23,769
and the girl's putting it in the bag,

615
00:31:23,769 --> 00:31:26,929
and some guy walks in to the store,

616
00:31:26,929 --> 00:31:29,156
and the guy ringing me up looks
over and goes, "Oh my God,

617
00:31:29,156 --> 00:31:31,246
"I haven't worked with him in a while."

618
00:31:31,246 --> 00:31:33,927
And then the girl goes, "Oh my god, Enis."

619
00:31:33,927 --> 00:31:36,479
And I go, "What?"

620
00:31:36,479 --> 00:31:38,391
She goes, "That's his name, Enis."

621
00:31:38,391 --> 00:31:39,474
And I go, ha!

622
00:31:43,855 --> 00:31:46,188
"What's his sister's name, Agina?"

623
00:31:50,482 --> 00:31:51,847
And I started laughing, right?

624
00:31:51,847 --> 00:31:53,237
Because it's fucking funny.

625
00:31:53,237 --> 00:31:56,007
That's why I started laughing,

626
00:31:56,007 --> 00:31:57,469
but apparently I laughed
like a psychopath.

627
00:31:57,469 --> 00:32:01,469
I was like.

628
00:32:03,677 --> 00:32:04,856
Thinking that these kids are gonna go

629
00:32:04,856 --> 00:32:06,624
that's pretty funny too, but she went,

630
00:32:06,624 --> 00:32:08,333
"He's really nice, you know?"

631
00:32:12,042 --> 00:32:13,223
I never said he wasn't nice.

632
00:32:13,223 --> 00:32:15,432
I just said his name's Enis.

633
00:32:15,432 --> 00:32:18,141
So you know, it's kinda
kind of funny, right?

634
00:32:18,141 --> 00:32:20,717
And I'm looking at the guy
thinking the guy is going

635
00:32:20,717 --> 00:32:21,986
to be like, oh yeah, come on.

636
00:32:21,986 --> 00:32:22,860
It's funny, it's funny,

637
00:32:22,860 --> 00:32:26,182
like thinking he's gonna go the guy code.

638
00:32:26,182 --> 00:32:30,441
This little fucking nerd
looks at me and goes,

639
00:32:30,441 --> 00:32:33,961
"You know, he was bullied
a lot because of his name."

640
00:32:33,961 --> 00:32:37,044
And I go, "Yeah, he should have been.

641
00:32:37,929 --> 00:32:40,096
"His name is fucking Enis!

642
00:32:41,388 --> 00:32:43,929
"You can't just go naming your kid Enis

643
00:32:43,929 --> 00:32:46,777
"and think everything's gonna be okay.

644
00:32:46,777 --> 00:32:49,068
"There's no winning with this name.

645
00:32:49,068 --> 00:32:50,297
"You're either penis or anus.

646
00:32:50,297 --> 00:32:52,214
"There's nothing good."

647
00:32:57,649 --> 00:32:59,278
These kids just turn over,
"Here's your stuff, sir.

648
00:32:59,278 --> 00:33:02,028
"Thank you very, very much, bye."

649
00:33:05,788 --> 00:33:07,716
I don't want to be the
person, the old guy,

650
00:33:07,716 --> 00:33:12,228
that gets annoyed by young
people, but you just do it.

651
00:33:12,228 --> 00:33:14,317
They're doing things to us, you know?

652
00:33:14,317 --> 00:33:18,817
And at 53, you gotta understand
I'm closer to dementia

653
00:33:19,748 --> 00:33:21,924
than I am to anything else, you know?

654
00:33:21,924 --> 00:33:23,750
And the way this generation's behaving,

655
00:33:23,750 --> 00:33:28,646
I'm gonna think I have dementia
well before I have dementia.

656
00:33:28,646 --> 00:33:31,806
They're trying to get rid of words.

657
00:33:31,806 --> 00:33:32,639
This dude comes out and goes,

658
00:33:32,639 --> 00:33:35,417
"Hey, man, you can't say the R word.

659
00:33:35,417 --> 00:33:37,316
I said, "I was in Japan.

660
00:33:37,316 --> 00:33:38,656
"Neither can they."

661
00:33:43,376 --> 00:33:47,288
I go, "What R word, by the way, Russell?"

662
00:33:47,288 --> 00:33:48,728
He goes, "No, retard."

663
00:33:48,728 --> 00:33:50,888
I go, "Who are you calling a retard?"

664
00:33:50,888 --> 00:33:52,017
"No, you can't say retard anymore."

665
00:33:52,017 --> 00:33:53,517
I go, "I just did.

666
00:33:55,006 --> 00:33:56,275
"I got bad news for you, buddy.

667
00:33:56,275 --> 00:33:57,675
"I say retard all the time.

668
00:33:57,675 --> 00:33:58,883
"I say retard.

669
00:33:58,883 --> 00:33:59,816
"I say retarded.

670
00:33:59,816 --> 00:34:01,486
"I say fucking retardation.

671
00:34:01,486 --> 00:34:04,319
"I say it all and I feel nothing."

672
00:34:07,166 --> 00:34:08,553
"Well, you're gonna have to stop."

673
00:34:08,553 --> 00:34:10,385
"I'm not gonna stop saying retard

674
00:34:10,385 --> 00:34:13,084
"until you get the French
to stop saying it."

675
00:34:13,084 --> 00:34:16,854
I was at the airport in Canada
and my flight was delayed,

676
00:34:16,854 --> 00:34:18,597
and in English it said delayed,

677
00:34:18,597 --> 00:34:21,264
and in French it said on retard,

678
00:34:23,758 --> 00:34:26,896
and I laughed like a little school girl.

679
00:34:26,896 --> 00:34:28,147
I couldn't wait to call my friend.

680
00:34:28,147 --> 00:34:29,119
"Yo, you're gonna have
to pick me up later.

681
00:34:29,119 --> 00:34:30,320
"My flight's retarded."

682
00:34:34,400 --> 00:34:36,859
Shit, in the UAE, I bought ibuprofen

683
00:34:36,859 --> 00:34:38,859
that said Brufen retard.

684
00:34:39,996 --> 00:34:41,865
It's literally in every drugstore.

685
00:34:41,865 --> 00:34:43,808
I bought it just to take home with me.

686
00:34:43,808 --> 00:34:44,641
Anything to declare?

687
00:34:44,641 --> 00:34:46,558
Just this retard pills.

688
00:34:52,841 --> 00:34:54,459
So yeah, I'm not gonna stop saying retard.

689
00:34:54,459 --> 00:34:55,583
"Well, you're gonna have to."

690
00:34:55,583 --> 00:34:56,416
I said, "Why?

691
00:34:56,416 --> 00:34:58,265
"Why do I have to stop saying retard?"

692
00:34:58,265 --> 00:35:00,427
"Because it's offensive?"

693
00:35:00,427 --> 00:35:02,094
I was like, "To who?

694
00:35:10,487 --> 00:35:13,357
"You're the one calling
people this, not me."

695
00:35:13,357 --> 00:35:16,862
"I'm calling everything but a
handicapped person a retard.

696
00:35:16,862 --> 00:35:18,015
"You call a handicapped person a retard,

697
00:35:18,015 --> 00:35:20,098
"you're a piece of shit."

698
00:35:21,583 --> 00:35:23,204
"And you can't say gay anymore."

699
00:35:23,204 --> 00:35:24,463
"What?

700
00:35:24,463 --> 00:35:25,823
"I have gay friends.

701
00:35:25,823 --> 00:35:28,314
"I can't be like, yo,
these are my gay friends."

702
00:35:28,314 --> 00:35:29,924
"You can refer to gay people as gay,

703
00:35:29,924 --> 00:35:32,344
"but you can't just go
arbitrarily calling things

704
00:35:32,344 --> 00:35:34,241
"gay anymore."

705
00:35:34,241 --> 00:35:37,491
I go, "This is fucking retarded, dude."

706
00:35:40,499 --> 00:35:44,993
"This is the gayest thing
I've ever heard in my life.

707
00:35:44,993 --> 00:35:47,716
"So wait, I can't say
gay or retard anymore?"

708
00:35:47,716 --> 00:35:49,308
"No."

709
00:35:49,308 --> 00:35:51,255
"How am I supposed to talk to my brother?

710
00:35:54,687 --> 00:35:56,946
"Every conversation is like,
call me back, you retard.

711
00:35:56,946 --> 00:35:58,779
"Don't be gay, click."

712
00:36:01,600 --> 00:36:02,433
You gotta understand.

713
00:36:02,433 --> 00:36:04,926
I grew up in the seventies and eighties.

714
00:36:04,926 --> 00:36:06,875
Gay and retard is all we said.

715
00:36:06,875 --> 00:36:10,795
Gay was the best insult
you could give a guy,

716
00:36:10,795 --> 00:36:12,225
because it wasn't really offensive.

717
00:36:12,225 --> 00:36:13,985
It was more of a ah, you got me.

718
00:36:13,985 --> 00:36:16,429
You know, just you would
never call somebody gay

719
00:36:16,429 --> 00:36:18,926
if they were actually
gay, but in the seventies,

720
00:36:18,926 --> 00:36:21,007
we didn't realize gay was a real thing.

721
00:36:21,007 --> 00:36:23,857
Like in the seventies, like,
nobody's really gay, are they?

722
00:36:23,857 --> 00:36:26,385
I mean, we just didn't know.

723
00:36:26,385 --> 00:36:29,687
It was like a,you know, we
didn't know it was genetic.

724
00:36:29,687 --> 00:36:31,021
We just thought, ah, he is gay.

725
00:36:31,021 --> 00:36:31,854
He is not gay.

726
00:36:31,854 --> 00:36:32,999
I mean, who, who's really gay?

727
00:36:32,999 --> 00:36:36,999
Like if you like buttholes,
women have them too.

728
00:36:37,854 --> 00:36:38,687
You know what I mean?

729
00:36:38,687 --> 00:36:42,687
Like just, we didn't know
it was more than that.

730
00:36:44,192 --> 00:36:45,433
And you would call somebody gay

731
00:36:45,433 --> 00:36:47,993
for doing the most
heterosexual thing possible.

732
00:36:47,993 --> 00:36:51,404
Like you, Tim, you have four
kids with your wife, gay.

733
00:36:51,404 --> 00:36:53,661
You know what I mean?

734
00:36:53,661 --> 00:36:57,494
Because it's the least
gay thing you could do.

735
00:36:58,640 --> 00:37:00,541
We were in denial in the seventies.

736
00:37:00,541 --> 00:37:03,341
Khaled, if you wanna have a
good time, you go to YouTube,

737
00:37:03,341 --> 00:37:06,509
and you type in the best of the 1970s,

738
00:37:06,509 --> 00:37:08,460
and you'll see right in front of you

739
00:37:08,460 --> 00:37:12,189
that the seventies was
the gayest decade ever,

740
00:37:12,189 --> 00:37:13,959
and we had no clue it was gay,

741
00:37:13,959 --> 00:37:15,639
'cause we were in denial about it.

742
00:37:15,639 --> 00:37:18,631
I don't know if you guys
remember The Village People.

743
00:37:18,631 --> 00:37:19,951
Remember Village People?

744
00:37:19,951 --> 00:37:23,082
They were like the gayest
group on the planet,

745
00:37:23,082 --> 00:37:24,808
and we had no clue they were gay.

746
00:37:24,808 --> 00:37:26,549
Like they're not gay.

747
00:37:26,549 --> 00:37:29,729
That guy's a construction worker.

748
00:37:29,729 --> 00:37:30,816
That guy's a biker.

749
00:37:30,816 --> 00:37:32,279
That guy's Native American.

750
00:37:32,279 --> 00:37:35,967
They don't make gay Native Americans.

751
00:37:35,967 --> 00:37:38,857
They're singing about being a macho man.

752
00:37:38,857 --> 00:37:41,857
That's the least gay man you can be.

753
00:37:43,767 --> 00:37:46,309
We didn't know what gay was.

754
00:37:46,309 --> 00:37:49,164
I remember in 1984, I'm in the mall.

755
00:37:49,164 --> 00:37:50,897
I'm 14 years old.

756
00:37:50,897 --> 00:37:52,154
One of my friends runs up and goes,

757
00:37:52,154 --> 00:37:54,490
"Yo, come to the supermarket.

758
00:37:54,490 --> 00:37:55,658
"There's two lesbians."

759
00:37:55,658 --> 00:37:59,491
And I ran because I'm
14 and I heard lesbians.

760
00:38:01,557 --> 00:38:03,389
What do I know about lesbians at 14?

761
00:38:03,389 --> 00:38:05,444
Nothing, all I know is blah, blah, blah.

762
00:38:05,444 --> 00:38:08,173
That's all I know.

763
00:38:08,173 --> 00:38:09,006
That's it.

764
00:38:09,006 --> 00:38:09,839
That's all, blah.

765
00:38:09,839 --> 00:38:10,672
That's it.

766
00:38:10,672 --> 00:38:13,481
That's all I know, and
I'm like, "Oh my God,

767
00:38:13,481 --> 00:38:15,447
"they must be doing it in every aisle."

768
00:38:15,447 --> 00:38:18,455
So I run to the supermarket. I
don't know what I'm thinking.

769
00:38:18,455 --> 00:38:20,318
Like they're just, hey,
let's go to the mall

770
00:38:20,318 --> 00:38:21,151
and blah, blah, blah.

771
00:38:21,151 --> 00:38:24,097
I don't know what I'm thinking.

772
00:38:24,097 --> 00:38:24,966
I get to the supermarket.

773
00:38:24,966 --> 00:38:25,799
I'm so mad.

774
00:38:25,799 --> 00:38:26,632
It was just two women

775
00:38:26,632 --> 00:38:29,882
with a shopping cart full of cucumbers.

776
00:38:41,459 --> 00:38:44,792
We didn't know anything in the eighties.

777
00:38:46,657 --> 00:38:48,956
That's why our generation's so fucked up.

778
00:38:48,956 --> 00:38:53,316
Like that's why our
generation created Gen Z.

779
00:38:53,316 --> 00:38:57,827
We passed our fucked upness
to the next generations.

780
00:38:57,827 --> 00:38:58,737
We skipped the millennials,

781
00:38:58,737 --> 00:39:03,057
'cause that was a whole
nother generation's problem.

782
00:39:03,057 --> 00:39:03,890
You know what it is?

783
00:39:03,890 --> 00:39:07,218
Like my generation, everything grown up,

784
00:39:07,218 --> 00:39:09,320
everything fell into this blanket of life.

785
00:39:09,320 --> 00:39:11,184
Everything was called life.

786
00:39:11,184 --> 00:39:12,578
There was no subsections.

787
00:39:12,578 --> 00:39:15,549
Everything that happened to you was life.

788
00:39:15,549 --> 00:39:16,410
You lost your job.

789
00:39:16,410 --> 00:39:17,576
That's life.

790
00:39:17,576 --> 00:39:18,649
My house burnt down, man.

791
00:39:18,649 --> 00:39:19,930
That's life.

792
00:39:19,930 --> 00:39:20,763
My wife left me.

793
00:39:20,763 --> 00:39:22,392
That's life, bro.

794
00:39:22,392 --> 00:39:23,225
Everything was life.

795
00:39:23,225 --> 00:39:27,101
There was nothing to
define it other than life.

796
00:39:27,101 --> 00:39:30,282
Then Gen Z came along and
wanted label everything.

797
00:39:30,282 --> 00:39:33,722
Every fucking thing had a label.

798
00:39:33,722 --> 00:39:38,305
Everything needed a label,
and they OD'ed on the label.

799
00:39:39,173 --> 00:39:41,673
Like I haven't always had ADD.

800
00:39:43,772 --> 00:39:46,540
I know I do, but in the eighties,

801
00:39:46,540 --> 00:39:48,788
there was no diagnosis for the ADD.

802
00:39:48,788 --> 00:39:50,650
I remember in 1985, I went
to the guidance counselor.

803
00:39:50,650 --> 00:39:51,483
I was 15.

804
00:39:51,483 --> 00:39:52,950
I go, "What do you think's wrong with me?"

805
00:39:52,950 --> 00:39:56,200
He goes, "Hmm, you're a fucking idiot."

806
00:40:00,402 --> 00:40:03,821
And I went, "Is that like a professional?"

807
00:40:03,821 --> 00:40:06,732
He goes, "No, no, you're a fucking idiot."

808
00:40:06,732 --> 00:40:07,565
And I remember going,

809
00:40:07,565 --> 00:40:09,902
"Ah, sounds about fair, I think, yeah."

810
00:40:09,902 --> 00:40:10,735
I remember going home.

811
00:40:10,735 --> 00:40:12,714
My dad goes, "What did the
guidance counselor say?"

812
00:40:12,714 --> 00:40:15,213
"He said I was a fucking idiot."

813
00:40:15,213 --> 00:40:19,130
"He's right."

814
00:40:21,323 --> 00:40:22,914
Like everything that
we're complaining about

815
00:40:22,914 --> 00:40:24,382
with Gen Z is our fault too.

816
00:40:24,382 --> 00:40:25,933
Like we complain that they're sensitive.

817
00:40:25,933 --> 00:40:27,754
Like everything bothers them.

818
00:40:27,754 --> 00:40:28,587
What's their problem?

819
00:40:28,587 --> 00:40:29,885
Why are they so sensitive?

820
00:40:29,885 --> 00:40:31,805
How come they get so
offended by everything?

821
00:40:31,805 --> 00:40:33,154
Every interview I do is like, Russell,

822
00:40:33,154 --> 00:40:34,653
you worried about cancel culture?

823
00:40:34,653 --> 00:40:35,486
I'm like, no.

824
00:40:35,486 --> 00:40:36,319
Why not?

825
00:40:36,319 --> 00:40:38,497
Because fucking, these
kids aren't looking at me,

826
00:40:38,497 --> 00:40:40,233
except for Khala Khaled over there,

827
00:40:47,538 --> 00:40:49,508
but they get offended easy,

828
00:40:49,508 --> 00:40:51,888
and that's my generation's fault too,

829
00:40:51,888 --> 00:40:53,008
and I'll tell you why it's our fault.

830
00:40:53,008 --> 00:40:56,448
Because my generation started
political correctness,

831
00:40:56,448 --> 00:40:58,139
but here's what young
people don't understand.

832
00:40:58,139 --> 00:41:01,397
We started political
correctness out of necessity.

833
00:41:01,397 --> 00:41:03,339
We didn't do it 'cause we were bored.

834
00:41:03,339 --> 00:41:07,877
We did it because our parents'
generation was insane.

835
00:41:07,877 --> 00:41:08,710
You gotta understand.

836
00:41:08,710 --> 00:41:11,293
My father, he was born in 1925.

837
00:41:13,679 --> 00:41:16,980
Yeah, and my dad was, here's the thing.

838
00:41:16,980 --> 00:41:19,140
My dad was born in
India while it was still

839
00:41:19,140 --> 00:41:20,723
under British rule.

840
00:41:21,609 --> 00:41:25,228
My dad said racist shit all day long.

841
00:41:25,228 --> 00:41:27,194
He had no clue that it was racist.

842
00:41:27,194 --> 00:41:28,917
I go, dad, you say a lot of racist.

843
00:41:28,917 --> 00:41:29,947
How can it be racist?

844
00:41:29,947 --> 00:41:33,157
I learned English from the British.

845
00:41:33,157 --> 00:41:35,907
They are the least racist people.

846
00:41:41,917 --> 00:41:43,145
We started political correctness

847
00:41:43,145 --> 00:41:44,655
because our parents'
generation didn't know

848
00:41:44,655 --> 00:41:46,936
when not to say something.

849
00:41:46,936 --> 00:41:49,735
There was a Chinese family
three houses down from me.

850
00:41:49,735 --> 00:41:54,096
My dad used to refer to
them as the oriental family.

851
00:41:54,096 --> 00:41:55,736
I'm like, "Dad, they're not rugs."

852
00:41:58,288 --> 00:42:03,106
From the age of four or
five years old to now, 53,

853
00:42:03,106 --> 00:42:05,938
97% of my friends are black.

854
00:42:05,938 --> 00:42:08,293
Which is great, but it
was a little awkward

855
00:42:08,293 --> 00:42:10,954
in my teenage years, because my dad used

856
00:42:10,954 --> 00:42:13,537
to use out-of-date terminology.

857
00:42:17,834 --> 00:42:19,423
I remember being like 15, 16 years old.

858
00:42:19,423 --> 00:42:20,905
My friends would knock on the door.

859
00:42:20,905 --> 00:42:23,334
"Hi, Mr. Peters.

860
00:42:23,334 --> 00:42:25,458
"Is Russell here?"

861
00:42:25,458 --> 00:42:26,291
"One sec.

862
00:42:35,023 --> 00:42:35,856
"Please, do me a favor.

863
00:42:35,856 --> 00:42:39,439
"Go this side, just
stay away from the car.

864
00:42:43,687 --> 00:42:48,187
"Son, there's a young negro
boy here looking for you."

865
00:42:53,047 --> 00:42:56,214
I come down, my dad's pointing at him.

866
00:42:57,117 --> 00:42:59,317
I go, "Dad, why are you pointing at him?"

867
00:42:59,317 --> 00:43:01,484
"So you know where he is?"

868
00:43:02,967 --> 00:43:06,346
There's only one person standing there.

869
00:43:06,346 --> 00:43:08,177
"No, the oriental boy's in the back.

870
00:43:08,177 --> 00:43:09,094
"Look, see?

871
00:43:10,118 --> 00:43:11,067
"He's playing Chinese
checkers or something.

872
00:43:11,067 --> 00:43:13,206
"I dunno what he's doing."

873
00:43:13,206 --> 00:43:15,196
And I go to my dad and this
is what was frustrating

874
00:43:15,196 --> 00:43:16,428
about my parents' generation.

875
00:43:16,428 --> 00:43:18,297
They would defend everything they said,

876
00:43:18,297 --> 00:43:19,647
and their defense would make sense.

877
00:43:19,647 --> 00:43:24,047
I go, "Dad, why did you
call him a young negro boy?"

878
00:43:24,047 --> 00:43:28,066
"What part of that
description is not correct?

879
00:43:28,066 --> 00:43:29,258
"Is he an old white woman?

880
00:43:29,258 --> 00:43:30,091
"No."

881
00:43:34,706 --> 00:43:37,538
So we started political
correctness to stop that kind

882
00:43:37,538 --> 00:43:39,319
of stuff from going forward.

883
00:43:39,319 --> 00:43:40,895
We weren't trying to change the world.

884
00:43:40,895 --> 00:43:43,228
We were just trying to make
little differences so that there

885
00:43:43,228 --> 00:43:46,456
would be less speed bumps
for the next generations.

886
00:43:46,456 --> 00:43:47,308
We meant well.

887
00:43:47,308 --> 00:43:51,975
We were naive, and then these
Gen Z fuckfaces showed up,

888
00:43:53,787 --> 00:43:57,109
and they took advantage
of us, and they were like,

889
00:43:57,109 --> 00:43:59,297
hey, you know that politically
correct thing you guys

890
00:43:59,297 --> 00:44:00,130
are doing?

891
00:44:00,130 --> 00:44:01,214
I'm like, yeah?

892
00:44:01,214 --> 00:44:04,420
We'd like to add some things to it.

893
00:44:04,420 --> 00:44:05,722
Like, oh sure, we must
have missed something.

894
00:44:05,722 --> 00:44:09,167
Well, yeah, what would you like to add?

895
00:44:09,167 --> 00:44:11,375
You know how I was born a male?

896
00:44:15,147 --> 00:44:16,064
Yeah, yeah.

897
00:44:21,601 --> 00:44:24,081
I'm aware of that, yeah.

898
00:44:24,081 --> 00:44:28,729
I don't feel comfortable
identifying as a male anymore.

899
00:44:28,729 --> 00:44:31,675
Oh, okay, well, maybe you'd be
more comfortable identifying

900
00:44:31,675 --> 00:44:32,675
as a female.

901
00:44:33,721 --> 00:44:34,554
No.

902
00:44:39,453 --> 00:44:41,786
Those were the only options.

903
00:44:45,261 --> 00:44:47,133
I just feel like these
are social constructs

904
00:44:47,133 --> 00:44:49,581
that are designed to keep
us apart from each other

905
00:44:49,581 --> 00:44:51,981
when we are neither black nor white,

906
00:44:51,981 --> 00:44:53,240
not male nor female.

907
00:44:53,240 --> 00:44:57,823
We're simply just one people,
one race, the human race,

908
00:44:59,589 --> 00:45:02,922
and I'm like, listen here, other fucker,

909
00:45:17,391 --> 00:45:21,322
I got real life adult
problems going on in my world.

910
00:45:21,322 --> 00:45:23,997
I don't need your young,
confused, bored bullshit

911
00:45:23,997 --> 00:45:25,711
to get in my way.

912
00:45:25,711 --> 00:45:29,189
Now I want you to be whatever
the fuck you want to be,

913
00:45:29,189 --> 00:45:32,530
and I want you to be the best
version of it you can be,

914
00:45:32,530 --> 00:45:35,231
and I'll support whatever it
is you tell me you think you

915
00:45:35,231 --> 00:45:39,661
are, but you can't get
mad at me if I don't know

916
00:45:39,661 --> 00:45:43,092
what you think you are when I look at you.

917
00:45:52,301 --> 00:45:54,752
If I see what I think as a
dude, I'll be like, hey, man.

918
00:45:54,752 --> 00:45:57,481
I'm not a man.

919
00:45:57,481 --> 00:45:59,314
I identify as a table.

920
00:46:02,404 --> 00:46:05,423
How am I supposed to know you're a table?

921
00:46:05,423 --> 00:46:07,256
You only got two legs.

922
00:46:08,332 --> 00:46:10,165
You're a shitty table.

923
00:46:14,663 --> 00:46:15,537
I hear a lot of young people talk

924
00:46:15,537 --> 00:46:17,221
about suffering from anxiety.

925
00:46:17,221 --> 00:46:19,054
I suffer from anxiety.

926
00:46:20,363 --> 00:46:21,323
Oh my God, I'm suffering.

927
00:46:21,323 --> 00:46:22,156
I see you young girls.

928
00:46:22,156 --> 00:46:23,258
You suffer from anxiety, don't you?

929
00:46:23,258 --> 00:46:24,957
Do you get anxiety?

930
00:46:24,957 --> 00:46:27,207
Khaled, do you get anxiety?

931
00:46:28,427 --> 00:46:30,406
No, you sure, buddy?

932
00:46:30,406 --> 00:46:31,897
You're giving your mom anxiety right now.

933
00:46:31,897 --> 00:46:32,810
I'll be honest with you.

934
00:46:38,309 --> 00:46:40,342
Young people, like God,
I suffer from anxiety.

935
00:46:40,342 --> 00:46:43,069
Look at me suffer, fucking anxiety.

936
00:46:43,069 --> 00:46:45,709
How do you get anxiety in your twenties?

937
00:46:45,709 --> 00:46:46,610
You got tax problems.

938
00:46:46,610 --> 00:46:47,443
You got baby mamas.

939
00:46:47,443 --> 00:46:50,019
You don't have any fucking anxiety.

940
00:46:50,019 --> 00:46:52,539
Young people have no clue what anxiety is.

941
00:46:52,539 --> 00:46:54,850
I know what anxiety is,
'cause I dealt with it

942
00:46:54,850 --> 00:46:57,501
without even knowing why
I was dealing with it.

943
00:46:57,501 --> 00:47:00,402
My generation knows anxiety.

944
00:47:00,402 --> 00:47:02,242
Lemme tell you what real anxiety is.

945
00:47:02,242 --> 00:47:04,879
Lemme tell you what real anxiety is.

946
00:47:04,879 --> 00:47:08,738
Anxiety, this is what we had to deal with.

947
00:47:08,738 --> 00:47:13,738
Anxiety was trying to masturbate
to porn in the eighties.

948
00:47:13,749 --> 00:47:17,082
That's anxiety, 'cause it's not like now

949
00:47:18,319 --> 00:47:21,069
where it's just everywhere.

950
00:47:21,069 --> 00:47:25,730
Anybody in this room, don't do
it, but anybody in this room,

951
00:47:25,730 --> 00:47:27,039
for no reason, can pull out their phone

952
00:47:27,039 --> 00:47:28,170
and look porn just like that.

953
00:47:28,170 --> 00:47:30,669
Just oh, porn, and then put it away,

954
00:47:30,669 --> 00:47:32,340
and I know what you're
thinking. Oh, not over here.

955
00:47:32,340 --> 00:47:33,822
Yeah, everybody has a VPN, you fuckers.

956
00:47:33,822 --> 00:47:38,239
I know what you do.

957
00:47:40,333 --> 00:47:43,639
I'm surprised Express VPN
hasn't opened up an office here,

958
00:47:50,639 --> 00:47:51,597
but porn is just there.

959
00:47:51,597 --> 00:47:52,701
It's readily available.

960
00:47:52,701 --> 00:47:54,579
It's just there.

961
00:47:54,579 --> 00:47:58,300
Like back in the eighties,
it was not that easy.

962
00:47:58,300 --> 00:47:59,851
It was a different time.

963
00:47:59,851 --> 00:48:01,187
If you wanted to see porn in the eighties,

964
00:48:01,187 --> 00:48:03,520
you actually had to be a real pervert,

965
00:48:06,636 --> 00:48:10,111
because you had to make
a plan, a mental plan.

966
00:48:10,111 --> 00:48:11,777
Not now. You'd be like, I don't know,

967
00:48:11,777 --> 00:48:14,331
I think I might get a boner.

968
00:48:14,331 --> 00:48:15,582
Back then, you would plan it.

969
00:48:15,582 --> 00:48:19,415
All right, tonight, I'm
gonna watch some porn.

970
00:48:27,987 --> 00:48:28,820
I know what you're thinking.

971
00:48:28,820 --> 00:48:30,048
Why couldn't you just watch it anytime?

972
00:48:30,048 --> 00:48:32,689
Because in the eighties,
you only had one TV

973
00:48:32,689 --> 00:48:35,231
and one VCR in the house,

974
00:48:35,231 --> 00:48:38,991
and it was in the living room downstairs.

975
00:48:38,991 --> 00:48:41,332
You couldn't just show up
at 5:30 in the evening.

976
00:48:41,332 --> 00:48:44,832
Hey mom, dad, you're gonna watch the news,

977
00:48:48,309 --> 00:48:52,559
or can I find out what
Debbie's gonna do to Dallas?

978
00:48:55,971 --> 00:48:58,864
You had to make the plan,
and here's what happened.

979
00:48:58,864 --> 00:49:03,291
You would go to bed, and you
would lay awake in your own bed

980
00:49:03,291 --> 00:49:07,208
till like two in the
morning, wide awake, just.

981
00:49:12,862 --> 00:49:15,878
You'd wait for everybody to go to sleep.

982
00:49:15,878 --> 00:49:18,211
That's how demented we were.

983
00:49:20,346 --> 00:49:21,878
You'd wait, then you'd
hear everybody snoring.

984
00:49:21,878 --> 00:49:26,128
You're like, now,

985
00:49:28,869 --> 00:49:31,965
and you'd reach beside the bed
where you had the video tape.

986
00:49:31,965 --> 00:49:36,467
Because you stashed it and
you sneak outta your room.

987
00:49:36,467 --> 00:49:40,217
You're sneaking around your own house

988
00:49:40,217 --> 00:49:44,547
like a perverted burglar with an erection.

989
00:49:44,547 --> 00:49:45,630
It's no good.

990
00:49:56,689 --> 00:49:57,937
Then you have these
missions in front of you.

991
00:49:57,937 --> 00:49:59,827
It's not as simple as
just going downstairs,

992
00:49:59,827 --> 00:50:01,606
putting on a tape, and
bam, you're good to go.

993
00:50:01,606 --> 00:50:03,433
Oh no, no, no.

994
00:50:03,433 --> 00:50:05,547
That would be too easy.

995
00:50:05,547 --> 00:50:06,902
First you gotta sneak downstairs.

996
00:50:06,902 --> 00:50:07,735
First you gotta wait.

997
00:50:07,735 --> 00:50:08,862
Then you gotta grab the tape.

998
00:50:08,862 --> 00:50:10,286
Now you gotta sneak downstairs,

999
00:50:10,286 --> 00:50:11,944
but you can't walk down
the center of the stairs

1000
00:50:11,944 --> 00:50:14,856
in case the stairs go .

1001
00:50:14,856 --> 00:50:19,255
So you've gotta walk down
the side of the stairs,

1002
00:50:19,255 --> 00:50:21,071
and now, okay, now you get downstairs.

1003
00:50:21,071 --> 00:50:22,821
Mission one complete.

1004
00:50:24,226 --> 00:50:27,326
You got mission two in front
of you. This is a big one.

1005
00:50:27,326 --> 00:50:31,235
You're staring at a TV that's
not even turned on yet.

1006
00:50:31,235 --> 00:50:33,699
You're staring at it like Indiana Jones.

1007
00:50:33,699 --> 00:50:34,532
You're like sweating.

1008
00:50:34,532 --> 00:50:38,865
You're like, okay,

1009
00:50:40,064 --> 00:50:41,871
'cause what you gotta do is
you gotta turn the TV on.

1010
00:50:41,871 --> 00:50:42,951
This is the eighties.

1011
00:50:42,951 --> 00:50:45,973
You have to pull the knob on the TV,

1012
00:50:45,973 --> 00:50:47,385
but at the same time
that you pull the knob,

1013
00:50:47,385 --> 00:50:50,724
you have to turn the volume off.

1014
00:50:50,724 --> 00:50:54,807
So you're, woo.

1015
00:51:03,821 --> 00:51:05,810
Did you know my generation
didn't even know

1016
00:51:05,810 --> 00:51:07,560
that porno had audio?

1017
00:51:10,901 --> 00:51:15,568
We had no clue, because you
couldn't keep the volume on.

1018
00:51:17,759 --> 00:51:20,429
You're the only thing awake
at this time of night.

1019
00:51:20,429 --> 00:51:22,358
You gotta understand. My dad
didn't just grow up in India.

1020
00:51:22,358 --> 00:51:24,886
My dad grew up in the jungle in India.

1021
00:51:24,886 --> 00:51:26,038
My dad had jungle ears.

1022
00:51:26,038 --> 00:51:29,038
He could hear shit we couldn't hear.

1023
00:51:30,457 --> 00:51:31,718
Even if I put the volume on,

1024
00:51:31,718 --> 00:51:33,139
could you imagine my dad sleeping?

1025
00:51:33,139 --> 00:51:38,139
And he just hears, oh, oh!

1026
00:51:42,240 --> 00:51:43,073
What's that?

1027
00:51:43,073 --> 00:51:43,990
Who's that?

1028
00:51:45,460 --> 00:51:46,293
Looks at my mom.

1029
00:51:46,293 --> 00:51:47,543
That's not you?

1030
00:51:49,109 --> 00:51:50,276
That's not me.

1031
00:51:51,400 --> 00:51:52,733
It's downstairs.

1032
00:51:53,701 --> 00:51:58,034
There's a leopard.

1033
00:52:04,520 --> 00:52:06,315
So now you got the TV on, volume off.

1034
00:52:06,315 --> 00:52:08,336
I know what you're thinking,
Khaled, porno time.

1035
00:52:08,336 --> 00:52:09,919
No, not even close.

1036
00:52:13,437 --> 00:52:15,426
Now you got the third mission.

1037
00:52:15,426 --> 00:52:18,317
You gotta get the videotape into the VCR.

1038
00:52:18,317 --> 00:52:19,864
Now here's what you need
to understand, Khaled.

1039
00:52:19,864 --> 00:52:22,822
Loading a VCR, putting
a videotape in a VCR

1040
00:52:22,822 --> 00:52:24,708
in a quiet house, is easily one

1041
00:52:24,708 --> 00:52:27,457
of the loudest things you can do.

1042
00:52:27,457 --> 00:52:28,976
You might as well just turn a blender on,

1043
00:52:28,976 --> 00:52:32,393
just .

1044
00:52:34,816 --> 00:52:36,976
So what you gotta do is you
put the video tape to the mouth

1045
00:52:36,976 --> 00:52:41,585
of the VCR, then you grab
a pillow off the couch,

1046
00:52:41,585 --> 00:52:44,167
and you push the tape in with the pillow,

1047
00:52:44,167 --> 00:52:47,250
'cause you need to smother the sound.

1048
00:52:50,815 --> 00:52:55,815
You're like, shut the fuck up,

1049
00:52:59,955 --> 00:53:01,621
and I know what you're
thinking. Let the porn begin.

1050
00:53:01,621 --> 00:53:02,871
No, Khaled, no.

1051
00:53:07,644 --> 00:53:09,966
The movie doesn't just start like that.

1052
00:53:09,966 --> 00:53:12,777
There's a test pattern
that comes on the screen

1053
00:53:12,777 --> 00:53:16,444
and then the ever
boner-killing FBI warning.

1054
00:53:18,778 --> 00:53:19,611
Now you're paranoid.

1055
00:53:19,611 --> 00:53:21,111
Who's watching me?

1056
00:53:26,386 --> 00:53:29,037
And you don't even know about tracking.

1057
00:53:29,037 --> 00:53:30,877
To you, tracking is you say, Nike,

1058
00:53:30,877 --> 00:53:33,698
and all the ads in your
Instagram come up as Nike.

1059
00:53:33,698 --> 00:53:36,583
Back in the day, tracking
was the tape would start,

1060
00:53:36,583 --> 00:53:40,073
and there'd be these
lines across the screen

1061
00:53:40,073 --> 00:53:43,624
and just the would be shaking like this.

1062
00:53:43,624 --> 00:53:46,136
You're not even sure if it's a tit.

1063
00:53:46,136 --> 00:53:47,707
Like is that a nipple or a hubcap?

1064
00:53:47,707 --> 00:53:50,093
I can't tell. Is it a car or a boob?

1065
00:53:50,093 --> 00:53:51,413
I don't know.

1066
00:53:51,413 --> 00:53:52,246
Fuck it, I'll take it.

1067
00:53:52,246 --> 00:53:53,079
You don't know.

1068
00:53:53,079 --> 00:53:54,746
You just don't know.

1069
00:54:01,623 --> 00:54:04,925
So now you got this shaking
boob on your screen like this,

1070
00:54:04,925 --> 00:54:06,405
and unless you're into Parkinson's porn,

1071
00:54:06,405 --> 00:54:09,205
this is not gonna work for you.

1072
00:54:09,205 --> 00:54:11,405
So now you gotta walk over to the VCR,

1073
00:54:11,405 --> 00:54:13,288
and there's a button called
tracking that you have

1074
00:54:13,288 --> 00:54:16,381
to hit plus or minus or
wheel, whatever you had,

1075
00:54:16,381 --> 00:54:17,850
until you got a steady tit, bam.

1076
00:54:17,850 --> 00:54:19,683
Now you're good to go.

1077
00:54:23,328 --> 00:54:25,481
You live in a very different time.

1078
00:54:25,481 --> 00:54:28,362
Like you can go to PornHub
a hundred thousand different

1079
00:54:28,362 --> 00:54:31,080
times, and in a hundred
thousand different times

1080
00:54:31,080 --> 00:54:34,622
of going to PornHub, you may
never repeat the same scene.

1081
00:54:34,622 --> 00:54:37,270
That's how much porn there is now.

1082
00:54:37,270 --> 00:54:42,187
Back in the day, we looked at
the same tape for four years.

1083
00:54:45,091 --> 00:54:48,470
We had to act like it was new every time.

1084
00:54:48,470 --> 00:54:50,424
You'd put it on, you'd be
like, hello, Ginger Lynn.

1085
00:54:50,424 --> 00:54:55,424
I haven't seen you in a while.

1086
00:54:58,798 --> 00:55:01,110
We had to improvise.

1087
00:55:01,110 --> 00:55:03,830
PornHub ruined everything for me.

1088
00:55:03,830 --> 00:55:04,857
Lemme tell you what PornHub is.

1089
00:55:04,857 --> 00:55:06,430
Here's what the problem with PornHub is.

1090
00:55:06,430 --> 00:55:10,458
PornHub took away all
the mystery from porn.

1091
00:55:10,458 --> 00:55:11,568
I know some of you're
a little uncomfortable

1092
00:55:11,568 --> 00:55:12,698
right now just hearing porn,

1093
00:55:12,698 --> 00:55:13,809
but it's not gonna make a graphic.

1094
00:55:13,809 --> 00:55:14,809
Don't worry.

1095
00:55:16,172 --> 00:55:17,552
I know in your head you're
going, this is Haram.

1096
00:55:17,552 --> 00:55:19,552
I don't want to hear it.

1097
00:55:20,624 --> 00:55:21,457
It's just the words.

1098
00:55:21,457 --> 00:55:23,933
It's nothing graphic here.

1099
00:55:23,933 --> 00:55:27,621
I want the women to stay with
us on this one, all right?

1100
00:55:27,621 --> 00:55:28,981
But porn, here's what Pornhub is like,

1101
00:55:28,981 --> 00:55:33,249
back in the seventies and
eighties, porn movies had titles,

1102
00:55:33,249 --> 00:55:34,501
and the titles were very subtle.

1103
00:55:34,501 --> 00:55:36,438
You wouldn't even know it was a porn.

1104
00:55:36,438 --> 00:55:39,459
Here's a real porno
title from the seventies,

1105
00:55:39,459 --> 00:55:44,227
Behind the Green Door.

1106
00:55:44,227 --> 00:55:45,519
You go, well, what's
behind the green door?

1107
00:55:45,519 --> 00:55:46,352
I don't know.

1108
00:55:46,352 --> 00:55:47,935
We better find out.

1109
00:55:50,228 --> 00:55:51,788
Porno movies had titles.

1110
00:55:51,788 --> 00:55:52,977
They were shot on film.

1111
00:55:52,977 --> 00:55:54,717
You know where you had to go
to see a porno movie, Khaled,

1112
00:55:54,717 --> 00:55:55,967
back in the seventies?

1113
00:55:55,967 --> 00:55:57,300
A movie theater.

1114
00:55:58,647 --> 00:56:00,335
I wish there were some Babas
in here who could tell us

1115
00:56:00,335 --> 00:56:01,585
that they went.

1116
00:56:03,933 --> 00:56:05,282
I know if I was old
enough in the seventies,

1117
00:56:05,282 --> 00:56:07,882
hell yeah, I would've gone
to a porno movie theater.

1118
00:56:07,882 --> 00:56:08,728
Would I have gotten popcorn?

1119
00:56:08,728 --> 00:56:09,811
Probably not.

1120
00:56:11,739 --> 00:56:13,768
That's a commitment right there.

1121
00:56:13,768 --> 00:56:14,601
This is salty.

1122
00:56:14,601 --> 00:56:16,136
I don't know what's
wrong with this popcorn.

1123
00:56:20,845 --> 00:56:22,678
This butter is sticky.

1124
00:56:31,619 --> 00:56:34,787
The porno movies used to
have titles, original titles,

1125
00:56:34,787 --> 00:56:37,635
seventies and eighties, original titles.

1126
00:56:37,635 --> 00:56:39,096
Nineties, you know what
they did in the nineties?

1127
00:56:39,096 --> 00:56:41,576
They got lazy in the nineties with porn.

1128
00:56:41,576 --> 00:56:43,875
They started taking real movie titles

1129
00:56:43,875 --> 00:56:46,424
and turning them into porno titles.

1130
00:56:46,424 --> 00:56:50,424
So it'd be like Men in
Black Women, Forest Hump,

1131
00:56:53,854 --> 00:56:56,354
Poca Hotass, Schindler's Fist,

1132
00:57:02,187 --> 00:57:04,162
Shaving Ryan's privates,

1133
00:57:04,162 --> 00:57:08,579
you know, all the classics,
all the classics, I know,

1134
00:57:10,974 --> 00:57:14,403
and then along came PornHub
and just ruined everything.

1135
00:57:14,403 --> 00:57:16,654
PornHub took the mystery out of porn.

1136
00:57:16,654 --> 00:57:18,518
That's why I don't like PornHub,

1137
00:57:18,518 --> 00:57:22,093
'cause it's like there's
no titles anymore.

1138
00:57:22,093 --> 00:57:24,394
There's just, there's no movies.

1139
00:57:24,394 --> 00:57:26,314
There's just scenes,
and there's no titles.

1140
00:57:26,314 --> 00:57:28,374
There's just explicit descriptions

1141
00:57:28,374 --> 00:57:30,872
of what you're about to see.

1142
00:57:30,872 --> 00:57:33,112
PornHub titles remind me
of white people's food.

1143
00:57:33,112 --> 00:57:34,362
Let me explain.

1144
00:57:36,272 --> 00:57:38,851
Let's take Indian food,
for example, right?

1145
00:57:38,851 --> 00:57:41,172
So to make Indian food,
you need a whole lot

1146
00:57:41,172 --> 00:57:42,686
of different ingredients,

1147
00:57:42,686 --> 00:57:44,888
and because we use so many
different ingredients,

1148
00:57:44,888 --> 00:57:47,059
we have to name the dishes.

1149
00:57:47,059 --> 00:57:47,892
Like what is that?

1150
00:57:47,892 --> 00:57:48,725
It's biryani.

1151
00:57:48,725 --> 00:57:49,558
What is that?

1152
00:57:49,558 --> 00:57:50,526
It's rogan josh.

1153
00:57:50,526 --> 00:57:51,359
What is that?

1154
00:57:51,359 --> 00:57:52,926
It's chicken masala.

1155
00:57:52,926 --> 00:57:54,547
We give it names because
of all the ingredients.

1156
00:57:54,547 --> 00:57:56,169
White people, I'm not here to judge you,

1157
00:57:56,169 --> 00:57:58,809
but you're very limited with
your ingredients to the point

1158
00:57:58,809 --> 00:58:02,585
where you literally name your
food after the ingredients.

1159
00:58:02,585 --> 00:58:03,418
What is that?

1160
00:58:03,418 --> 00:58:05,585
It's lemon pepper chicken.

1161
00:58:06,895 --> 00:58:07,917
What's in it?

1162
00:58:07,917 --> 00:58:09,084
Lemon, pepper,

1163
00:58:11,746 --> 00:58:16,746
and you guessed it, chicken.

1164
00:58:17,247 --> 00:58:18,481
Ooh, what's that?

1165
00:58:18,481 --> 00:58:20,148
Macaroni and cheese.

1166
00:58:21,437 --> 00:58:22,727
What's in it?

1167
00:58:22,727 --> 00:58:24,394
Macaroni and cheese.

1168
00:58:27,287 --> 00:58:28,138
Ooh, what's that?

1169
00:58:28,138 --> 00:58:29,388
Fish and chips.

1170
00:58:30,530 --> 00:58:31,410
What's in it?

1171
00:58:31,410 --> 00:58:34,479
Well, what the fuck do you think is in it?

1172
00:58:34,479 --> 00:58:35,901
That's what PornHub titles are like.

1173
00:58:35,901 --> 00:58:38,151
There's no mystery anymore.

1174
00:58:38,151 --> 00:58:39,380
You go to PornHub, it's just like,

1175
00:58:39,380 --> 00:58:44,130
hot Asian girl getting destroyed
by BBC, and you're like,

1176
00:58:45,068 --> 00:58:48,568
Goddamn, and my mom walks in, oh, the BBC.

1177
00:58:50,772 --> 00:58:51,862
I love the BBC.

1178
00:58:51,862 --> 00:58:56,112
I go, no, no, no!

1179
00:58:57,332 --> 00:59:00,241
This is not the BBC you're thinking of!

1180
00:59:00,241 --> 00:59:01,074
Keep it on.

1181
00:59:01,074 --> 00:59:01,907
I wanna see the weather.

1182
00:59:01,907 --> 00:59:03,990
That's not precipitation!

1183
00:59:07,974 --> 00:59:09,774
They don't know the struggle.

1184
00:59:09,774 --> 00:59:11,480
Khaled, you don't know
what the struggle was like

1185
00:59:11,480 --> 00:59:13,531
in the eighties.

1186
00:59:13,531 --> 00:59:14,800
In the eighties, we had to improvise.

1187
00:59:14,800 --> 00:59:16,633
We would try anything.

1188
00:59:18,239 --> 00:59:20,774
These catalogs would
from department stores.

1189
00:59:20,774 --> 00:59:22,684
They'd get mailed to your house.

1190
00:59:22,684 --> 00:59:26,556
Especially in North America,
there was a store called Sears.

1191
00:59:26,556 --> 00:59:29,916
They would mail you a Sears
catalog, and the catalog,

1192
00:59:29,916 --> 00:59:31,725
this is all before the internet, Khaled.

1193
00:59:31,725 --> 00:59:34,078
The catalog would have all
the inventory from the store

1194
00:59:34,078 --> 00:59:37,486
in this one book, and they'd
send it out every season,

1195
00:59:37,486 --> 00:59:39,419
and you'd open the book, and
you'd find what you wanted.

1196
00:59:39,419 --> 00:59:40,488
You'd make a little
mark and you'd be like,

1197
00:59:40,488 --> 00:59:42,976
I'm gonna go to the store,
and I'm gonna get this, right?

1198
00:59:42,976 --> 00:59:45,159
But if you were a perverted
teenager like I was

1199
00:59:45,159 --> 00:59:47,329
in the eighties, you would go

1200
00:59:47,329 --> 00:59:50,679
to the women's underwear
department in the book.

1201
00:59:50,679 --> 00:59:53,818
Because it was the eighties,
there was no Photoshop.

1202
00:59:53,818 --> 00:59:56,108
So you'd go to the women's bra department

1203
00:59:56,108 --> 00:59:57,233
and you'd look, if it was a lace bra,

1204
00:59:57,233 --> 01:00:00,412
you might see a nipple in the
back, and then bah, right?

1205
01:00:00,412 --> 01:00:03,579
So or if you were a real perv like me,

1206
01:00:05,044 --> 01:00:07,614
you'd go to the panties and you'd look

1207
01:00:07,614 --> 01:00:12,112
and there'd be like little hairs
creeping out the side like,

1208
01:00:12,112 --> 01:00:12,945
but it was the eighties.

1209
01:00:12,945 --> 01:00:13,926
So you gotta understand.

1210
01:00:13,926 --> 01:00:17,896
Like the women were natural
back then, like big.

1211
01:00:17,896 --> 01:00:19,602
It was like your hair, ma'am.

1212
01:00:19,602 --> 01:00:23,149
You got a shot of that, right?

1213
01:00:23,149 --> 01:00:23,982
There we go, yeah.

1214
01:00:23,982 --> 01:00:26,399
That right there, yeah, yeah.

1215
01:00:31,145 --> 01:00:33,017
It's like trying to put
a mask on your head.

1216
01:00:33,017 --> 01:00:34,767
You know what I mean?

1217
01:00:41,653 --> 01:00:45,986
Listen, but that's what it
was like in the eighties.

1218
01:00:48,053 --> 01:00:50,797
Women had a big old bush.

1219
01:00:50,797 --> 01:00:52,556
Then the nineties, they streamlined it.

1220
01:00:52,556 --> 01:00:55,306
They made a little landing strip.

1221
01:00:56,317 --> 01:00:58,928
Two thousands, they went bald.

1222
01:00:58,928 --> 01:01:02,494
2023, dick.

1223
01:01:02,494 --> 01:01:03,327
Thank you very much.

1224
01:01:03,327 --> 01:01:04,241
You guys are great.

1225
01:01:06,706 --> 01:01:07,539
Thank you!