On the evening of April 18th, 1775,
Paul Revere was given the task to ride to Lexington, Massachusetts
with the news that the British soldiers stationed in Boston
were about to march into the countryside northwest of town.
Revere set out on horseback,
and after narrowly avoiding capture outside of Charleston,
he changed his route and rode through Medford,
warning the colonists of the impending attack.
You know, "The British are coming! The British are coming!"
Revere's brave ride saved many lives
and inadvertently ruined a few others.
- The British are coming! - Fetch the horses!
- We must flee! - The British are coming!
The British are coming!
The British are coming! Flee!
Flee! Run for your lives!
Oh, shit! The British!
The British are coming! Hey! The British are coming!
Oh, my God! Elsbeth! Elsbeth!
- Yeah? What's happening? - The British are coming!
- What? What? - The British are coming!
Yeah! We gotta pack up and get out of here!
- Where are we gonna go? - I don't know!
We could go to my sister's in Ipswich!
- Your sister's? - Yeah!
Oh, no, she's such a Puritan! We can't go there!
Before every meal she says grace for 45 minutes!
I don't know what she's so thankful for!
Half her kids are dead!
Yeah, well she's still got five good ones!
Okay, we'll go to your sister's.
- Okay. - Get your stuff!
- Pack your things! - Should I take the carrots?
- Carrots, good. Good snack. - Yeah.
What about the eggs?
No. Eggs on a trip with a horse? Are you nuts?
You're taking your collection of feathers?
This is not a feather collection.
These are quills.
I've had this collection since I was a boy.
This one was in the hands of John Winthrop
the day he died of pleurisy.
- We gotta make space for Mom. - You're not bringing that.
This was her wedding day portrait.
- She was 25. - That woman's a monster!
We're sharing your trunk! - That-- No!
- Let-- - Let me take Mom!
Please, I'm telling you, she's dead.
- Get this fucking woman out of-- - She's dead.
Please, leave it here.
We don't need that in the wagon, come on.
You know what's really irritating about you?
You better not bring up my butter churning.
- Really? - Yeah, that's right.
Well, you are the world's worst butter churner!
You couldn't churn butter to save your life.
How dare you!
Nobody churns butter better than me.
I'm the best churner there is. I go clockwise.
And then I pump, I pump, faster, faster,
churn, churn, churn.
Mother said marry him anyway, but his butter's bitter.
It's not bitter butter. It's better butter.
- Bitter butter isn't better. - Bitter butter is better.
- Nobody likes your butter. - By the way,
while we're on the subject, your pigeon is mealy.
- My pigeon? - Yeah, your pigeon.
- Everybody loves my pigeon. - Your pigeon!
Nobody loves your pigeon. And you know what?
That's why people don't come to the house anymore.
'Cause they can't stand it.
You should see their faces when they're eating.
They are wincing. They're nauseous. They're sick to their stomachs.
You know why they don't come over here?
Because you're boring.
That's why you didn't get the invite to the Tea Party...
- Oh, yeah, yeah. Sure, yeah. - ...with Michael Finney.
He said, "All he does is talk about his work."
Because my work is very interesting.
- That's why. - You build barrels.
Yeah, barrels are interesting.
Nobody finds barrels interesting.
You don't find barrels interesting 'cause you don't understand barrels.
Barrels are way too complicated for you.
It's not easy to build a barrel.
Really? Just putting some wood in a circle is so hard?
You think it's easy to get wood in a circle?
That's how stupid you are.
- It's easy to get wood in a circle. - That's just how stupid--
- Easy to get wood in a circle? - It comes from a tree!
Which is round!
And that's the size of a barrel!
Okay, you know what?
I don't have time to argue about this.
Let's forget all this. Come on. We gotta finish packing.
Okay. I'm gonna bring some more scrimshaw.
Yeah, scrimshaw. Good idea. Okay.
Wait, what's that? What do you got there?
Oh, no, it's nothing.
Well, if it's nothing, why can't I see it?
Well, if it was something, I would let you see it...
- Well, it's-- - ...but it's nothing,
so why look at nothing?
Whether it's nothing or something, I wanna see.
- No, what are you doing? Get your-- - I know, you would be--
Why do you have pictures of bare-chested squaws?
Okay. It's very, very easy to explain.
I'm starting a butter business, and I was gonna put her picture
on the side of the jar.
I didn't know she'd be naked.
Why would you have pictures of naked Mashpee Indians
- on the side of your butter? - Mashpees?
They happen to be Iroquois. I'm not a savage.
- What do they got to do with butter? - My mistake.
- What's that? - Sorry, guys. I'm sorry.
The British are not coming.
- They are not coming. - Thank heavens!
- What? - That was my mistake.
- I'm sorry, everybody. - What? What are you talking about?
They're not headed here. They're heading to Concord.
Concord? What was all that before?
You raced down the hill earlier screaming at the top of your lungs,
"They're coming, they're coming, they're coming, they're coming."
This is what I heard. This is what I was told.
Who told you the British were coming?
- Some guys. - Who are they?
They're some cool guys.
They're like, "Oh, I heard the British are coming."
They're like, "Yeah, yeah, I heard that too."
"We should let people know," and I overheard them,
I was like, "Hey, you know, let me tell people."
Like, "I'd love to get involved somehow,"
and they're like, "All right. You got it, Paul."
- "You can do this." - So guys you know
say the British are coming,
and you volunteer to ride throughout the town
and tell everybody, is that how this went?
Yeah, well, they're-- I mean, they're pretty cool guys.
Well, maybe you should have ridden down the hill screaming,
- "The British might be coming." - They are coming.
It's not like they're not com-- They're just not coming here.
Are you gonna tell them they made a mistake?
- No. - Why not?
These are, like, cool guys. I'm not gonna say, like,
"Hey, you guys made a mistake. The British weren't coming exactly there."
They're not gonna want to hang. They're not gonna hang with me ever.
- Oh, Revere. - What?
You know what you fucking did for me here tonight?
- I don't-- What-- - You really screwed me big-time.
Thank you. Great job, Revere.
I apologize, but I'm not in charge of your life, sir.
So the British are not coming.
Sorry about that, everybody.
That was-- That's my mistake!
The British are not coming!
Funny story.
Funny story. This...
This Revere guy, what a whack job.
This guy's cuckoo. As it turns out...
the British aren't coming. Can you believe it?
They're not coming.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. All this is...
Yeah, yeah.
So, you know, we can unpack
and resume our wonderful lives here, and...
Anyway, what's for dinner?
Hoping it's pigeon!
The Texas Revolution was a rebellion
by American settlers against Mexico's government.
On February 23rd, 1836, Davy Crockett, James Bowie,
and a small garrison of about 200 Texan volunteers
were besieged by a Mexican army force of two to three thousand soldiers
under General Santa Anna
in what became known as the Battle of the Alamo.
All the defenders were killed,
and outnumbered ten-to-one, they had little to no chance of victory.
But aside from that, there may have been a very different reason the Alamo failed.
Our first order of business is going to be
- to fortify this east wall. - Oh, yeah, the east wall.
- Right? We need-- - Yeah. It needs fortification.
Absolutely. Colonel Travis has asked that we take all the ammunitions
- and put them in the main plaza area. - Travis?
- I know. - He thinks he's such the big boss.
It's like we're doing all the work.
They're in their room all day barking out orders to people.
- They don't do shit. - I don't know what they're doing in there.
- You're doing all the work. - I'm do-- Look at me!
- Hey, let me ask you something. - Yeah, yeah.
You know, there's no outhouse here. You got a good spot?
I mean, I got a spot, but I don't love it.
It's out by the pecan trees.
I go through the cactus patch, usually this tree right here.
Oh, yeah, yeah, I scouted that.
- Wait a minute, you got a spot? - I got a pretty good spot.
- Well, whereabouts? - Yeah.
So, just tell me just the general vicinity of the spot.
This is all I'm gonna tell you.
And don't ask me anything else. I'm not gonna tell you.
It's on the north side, somewhere out-- No, you're not gonna find it.
- Is it north of the cactus wastelands? - No, don't ask.
- Forget it. We're done. - Sure, sure.
I'll just tell you this. You couldn't find a better spot than this.
- Really? - It is fantastic.
Is it by the fork of the river?
I know that the grass there's a little more plush.
All right, I'm done with it.
You're not gonna share your defecation spot?
- Davy, you know how I feel about you. - I do.
But you're never gonna find out where that spot is.
You're not gonna tell me about the spot?
I'm not gonna tell you about
- the defecation spot, Davy. - Come on.
- You're never gonna find out. - Larry, come on, man!
- No! - I'm defecating over here
in what may as well be the sixth level of Dante's Inferno.
And m-- What?
- May I ask you a question? - By all means, yeah.
I just realized I have never seen you without that cap on.
- Oh, this cap? - Yeah.
- You've never seen me with the cap off? - Not once.
I like the cap a lot. It suits me.
I've known you, what, eight months? Nine months?
- Yeah. - You never take it off.
I mean, I've had it off.
- I've definitely taken it off. - Really?
I mean, maybe you've never seen it off. Sometimes, I take it off at night.
- Sometimes-- - I don't think anyone's ever seen it off.
I've spoken to some people about it.
- What is it? It's a raccoon? - Raccoon, definitely, yeah.
Disgusting scavenger animal. How could you wear that on your head?
You say disgusting.
- Yeah. - I say resourceful.
- They're garbage eaters. - Here's the thing about the hat.
- It just really ties... - Yeah.
...the entire outfit together.
'Cause even that day that we went swimming the Rio Grande,
- you had the cap on. - I don't like getting too much sun.
The point is that it...
it looks as if you're hiding something.
- I'm not hiding anything. - Really?
- There's nothing to hide. - Can I tell you a little story?
- Okay. - I met this woman one day in the park.
I had my hat on. I made a very good impression.
I saw her the next day. I didn't have the cap on.
She saw this, and she was quite disappointed.
I guess what I'm saying, Davy, is,
she thought I had deceived her in some way by wearing the cap.
Larry, I don't like what you're insinuating.
- No, I'm an open book. - What's under that cap, Davy?
- A head. - And what's on top of the head?
- Hair. - I'd like to see it.
- This is my look. Do you understand? - Yeah.
- This thing, the fringe. - Yeah, I get it. Yeah.
I killed a bear when I was three.
- That's part of it, you know? - All right, okay.
Stop this bullshit bear story when you were three.
- I'm not buying that. - It's not bullshit.
You didn't kill a bear when you were three.
- Larry. I killed a-- - Give me a break, okay?
- I'm not buying that at all. - I was three and a half.
- Let's round it down. - Okay.
- Yeah. - I literally killed a bear.
- Yeah, 'cause he was already dead, I bet. - He was not dead. He was dying.
I didn't say it wasn't a mercy killing.
- I just said I killed a bear. - Okay, fine.
You "killed" the bear when you were three, and you're not bald.
There is hair underneath this hat.
Let's see the hair, Davy.
- You want to see what's under the hat? - I do, yeah.
Just did it. I'm known for my quickness.
What?
Easy, Davy.
I will gut you and I will wear you as my next hat.
Easy, Davy.
You are not bald. You're not bald.
- Glad that we got that straight. - Sir.
- Mexican army's on its way. - How many?
At least 2,000. Maybe more.
Two thousand.
Here we are, 200 Texans, outnumbered ten-to-one.
You tell Colonel Travis that we will fight to the last man.
Yes, sir.
What? So what was that?
I said we're gonna fight to the last man.
I thought that's what you said.
- Is that wise? - We're here.
We have to defend the Alamo.
If we're all gonna die, what's the point?
Why not just hang up the white flag and go home?
Well, then we'd be seen as cowards.
- Who gives a fuck? - We should die here with honor!
Now I'm gonna go out there and I'm gonna inspire the men.
Come on, light 'em up!
I'm sorry.
He's bald underneath.
Jesus.
A shiny head.
No kidding, look at him. Not a hair at all.
That's why he never took his hat off.
Really bald.
Can you believe it wasn't until 1920
that women in the United States won the right to vote?
The passage of the 19th Amendment
was the culmination of decades of struggle by suffragettes like Susan B. Anthony.
In 1869, along with Elizabeth Cady Stanton,
she founded the Women's Suffrage Association,
fighting for the rights of women to vote,
hold property, and have equal access to education.
Susan B. Anthony faced constant ridicule and misogyny,
but she never wavered in her devotion to the cause of equal rights.
Friend or foe, Susan B. Anthony advocated for everyone to have a seat at the table,
but there were some she wished she wasn't seated next to.
How lovely to have you all here at our dinner table.
Thank you all so much for coming. It means the world to me.
- Susan, thank you. - Yes.
Thank you for inviting us.
- Oh, Alfred. - Looks wonderful.
- Thank you so much for having us. - Thank you, Herbert.
- Thank you, Aunt Susan. - Of course, of course.
- Absolutely. - Very kind.
Indeed.
What?
I said thank you for coming. You're supposed to reciprocate.
It's an interesting point you raise.
Sort of an unnecessary reciprocation,
- really, if you think about it... - Really?
...because you really weren't the one who invited me.
Your beautiful sister Edith did.
Who I'm courting, is that the right word?
- Yes. - Yeah. Who I'm courting.
She invited me, so I'll tell you what I'll do,
- Susie-- - Susan.
Susan, I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.
In as much as she's the one who invited me,
I'm gonna give her 90% of the thank you.
Watch my 90%.
- Thank you so much for inviting me. - You're welcome.
And you, I'm gonna give 10%.
- Thank you. - Yeah, that was great.
- That's equitable. - Good adjustment.
- Well, let's enjoy our meal. - Thank you.
The asparagus in the salad was grown in Edith's garden.
- Your sister? - Oh, my gosh!
That's amazing. Thank you, Edith.
- Thank you, Edith. - How delicious.
She has a way with a vegetable.
I like to help things grow.
I'll say you sure do.
You don't seem to be eating, Lawrence.
- Something wrong? - Yeah.
- Not that hungry. Had a late lunch. - Yeah, what time?
- 4:00. - 4:00?
- Yeah. - Why are you eating at four o'clock
when you know you're coming to a dinner party?
I'll tell you why. I was too hungry and, you know, I'm very frail.
Yes, he was famished.
Well, I think you could have just had a snack,
- a cracker, or something. - Yes, Susie, that was the idea--
- Susan! - Yes, Susan, that was the idea.
There were no crackers in the house.
Everybody has a cracker in the house.
- You have crackers in your house? - Of course.
And I usually do have a cracker. Didn't have the cracker.
The cracker is paramount to the snack.
- And so I made a sandwich. - A sandwich?
You know, it had some grilled onions on the top and...
No, he loves grilled onions.
I cut it into four parts, quarters. I was just gonna have a quarter,
and one-quarter became two-quarters, and three-quarters.
- I've been there. I've been there. - Yeah, sorry.
You seem to be a man with very little self-control.
Well, let me tell you something, okay?
Every minute that I am around this woman without touching her,
I am exhibiting great self-control.
So you're not gonna eat anything here tonight?
Doesn't seem like it, no.
Why'd you even come if you're not gonna eat?
Well, first of all, you are not gonna regret my presence here.
Am I an addition here?
- A total addition. - Yeah, you'll see.
You don't come across a personality like this every day,
- you know? - That's for sure.
I have a lot to offer other than just eating a meal.
How is everybody else's meal? Emily?
- It's delicious, Susan. - Yes.
- Thank you, Martha, my love. - Yes, it is.
Look at this little fork.
- What's the idea behind this? - It's a salad fork, Lawrence.
Why does this fork have to be smaller
than the fork that you eat your main course with?
Why do we eat with plates? Why do we have knives?
Why do we have glasses? It's the way it's done.
Some things are there just out of custom
and don't necessarily make any common sense.
My point about suffrage exactly.
Sometimes things have to change.
- Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. - Yes. Yes.
You know what? How's this for a theory, okay?
We should be eating the salad with the big fork,
so we'll eat healthier and eat more salad.
The small fork should be for the main course,
so you eat less, you eat less.
- You see the switch I just did there? - Such an innovation.
- You are so smart. - Really brilliant!
What?
- He does make a good point because... - Okay.
...if you look at the knives, they're the same size.
- Identical. - Yes, identical.
Who else is gonna suggest a fork switch?
- Nobody. - It's like dining with a scientist.
Yep, I'm an addition.
Where else are you gonna get comments like that?
Not from these two stiffs, I can tell you that.
I would've never thought of something like that.
These gentlemen who you're referring to happen to be upstanding citizens.
Alfred here is the largest mill owner in western New York.
We employ over 120 children.
- Can we make a toast? - Yes!
- Yeah. - Toast, Edith?
- Yeah. Where's the wine, by the way? - We toast with water.
- This is water? - I'm a teetotaler.
You know, if we had a little wine, people would loosen up a bit.
- We practice temperance here. - Yes.
- Yeah. - We feel, in the temperance movement...
The temperance, the temperance, the temperance.
...that alcohol is an evil that needs to be eradicated.
We live a life of purpose.
You look like you're having a blast.
I am having a blast. Oh, yes, I am.
I'm having a great time.
You see how unfair this is, though?
I mean, just 'cause you don't like to swim,
nobody else can go in the water?
My house, my rules.
But there will be port after dinner?
- No port, Herbert. - So no sherry, either?
- No. - Temperance.
We feel in this household that it's an evil.
- You must see it at the mill. - It is a problem.
- The children drink at the mill too. - And they cry a lot.
Are you for children drinking at the mill, Lawrence?
You know, I dislike children so much, it really doesn't bother me what they do.
- Susan. - Yes, darling?
We haven't remarked on the new invention that you just had installed,
electricity.
These lanterns and chandeliers, how beautiful.
I don't know about that.
There's something about the candle glow that I still appreciate.
I'm more of a beef tallow and wax man myself.
- Well, I believe in progress. - That's right, and it's safer.
- Safer than wax and flame? - Damn right.
- What's your name again? - Herbert.
Herbert, okay. I wanted to remember
by the off chance we ever run into each other again,
because it won't be a planned meeting.
What are you getting at, sir?
Well, I gotta say, this electricity
is the greatest thing that's ever happened.
I gotta get one of these. Who's your electric guy?
I don't remember.
Really? You don't remember?
Really? Truly, you don't remember?
Edith, I need to speak to you about the sauces.
- Please meet me in the kitchen. - Okay, excuse us.
- Look at this woman. - Yeah.
Will you look at this woman?
- Lovely. - Have you ever seen beauty
- like this in your life? - She's wonderful.
Hard to believe that these two came from the same womb.
One of them has to have been adopted.
- I need a drink. - Do you?
Most definitely.
- Oh, my! - You rascal.
Lawrence!
What is the matter with you bringing this moron into the house?
I like him so much, Susan. You're being so hard on him.
I am not being hard on him. There's something wrong with him.
He's so clever. The little fork thing was genius.
Oh, please. He's worse than that circus performer
you brought home that time.
I told you to keep
Carl the Sword Swallower's name out of your mouth.
You're right. You're right. I went too far.
Lawrence had a point. I did invite him. He should have thanked me, not you.
All right.
I'm gonna try to be accepting, I'm gonna try to be tolerant
- for your sake because I love you. - Thank you. Thank you, Susan.
What am I gonna do with you?
To my new favorite dinner guest.
What the hell do you think you're doing?
Is that alcohol?
- No, it's saltpeter. - Saltpeter, my ass.
It helps curb my sexual appetite.
Otherwise, the poor woman, I'd fear for her.
- Edith! - Sorry, Susan.
You're a very bad influence, Lawrence.
We're all not as perfect as you, Susan.
Does the same for a woman. You can imagine the attraction here.
All right, let's move on. I don't need this image here.
Susan, are you ready for your big meeting with Congress?
I am so excited.
We have drafted an amendment we're presenting to Congress
for women to have the right to vote.
- Here, here! - Yes, yes, yes!
Did you hear her? Are you listening to this?
- Yes. - That's a good one.
- That's funny. - Yeah.
- And what's so funny about it? - You can't be serious.
I am very serious.
I've spent my life working towards this.
- This is a sad day indeed. - It's absurd on the surface.
Women can't vote.
Why shouldn't women have the right to vote?
We're doing you a favor by not allowing you to vote.
Men and women are created equal under God.
- Yes! - We need to have equal rights.
- Come on, Susie. - Susan.
Come on, Susan.
Why shouldn't women have the right to vote?
- Exactly, Lawrence, why? - Yeah. Why?
I think I have an idea. Got an idea.
I would posit this regarding a woman's right to vote.
I think if a woman is attractive and capable of landing a man,
she should not be able to vote.
A beautiful woman, like Edith, she should be home,
- cooking, taking care of the children. - Yes.
But others who have no appeal whatsoever
to the opposite sex, viragos, harridans, witches,
spinsters, those women should be able to vote.
- This is a good compromise. - That seems reasonable.
Who is making this determination?
- I'm happy to step up and do it. - And why you?
- Really, any man could do it. - Any man with vision.
For example, Edith.
I'm terribly sorry, but, my darling, you cannot vote.
- Thank you. - Eleanor, you can't vote either.
- Martha, no vote for you. - What?
- Too lovely. - Clara, so sorry.
And you, Susan.
- You... You can vote. - What? Because what?
You know, because... Yeah. You know.
Thank you, Lawrence, for your permission, but I don't need it.
Elizabeth Cady Stanton and I have drafted the amendment,
and hopefully most men in Congress do not feel the way that you do, Lawrence.
I notice you spend a lot of time with this Elizabeth Cady Stanton.
Oh, yeah. We're very, very close. We've been working together for years.
Yes, you're very close.
Yeah, she helped me write the amendment.
One might say very, very close.
You know, I'm starting to feel that maybe it's time for you to leave, Lawrence.
- I think we should take a vote. - Let's take a vote.
Who thinks it's time for Lawrence to leave?
No, no, no. Just the men can vote, of course.
Edith, forgive me,
but I think you should get the fuck out of my house, Lawrence.
You know, you ate before you came,
you don't like the forks, you don't like the food,
you drink at my table,
and now you don't want us to vote.
In this house, women have the right to vote.
Get the fuck out!
- What? You're kicking me out? - Get the fuck out!
Fine. I'm leaving, Susie. Come on, Edith. Let's go.
I'm sorry, Lawrence. She's my sister.
Now get the fuck out!
Okay.
Maybe now we can have a nice dinner.
So... Here he comes.
And one more thing, Susan B. Anthony.
You don't have to tell me what the B stands for.
And little fork you.
- Little fork you. - Out!
On July 20th, 1969,
Neil Armstrong and Edwin "Buzz" Aldrin became the first men to walk on the moon.
Armstrong went first, uttering the famous words,
"That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind."
It was a crowning achievement in human exploration,
made even more remarkable when you consider
they were hurtling through space for four days in a tiny metal capsule
controlled by a NASA computer a million times less powerful
than your smartphone.
Throughout the journey, Neil and Buzz
were in constant communication with Mission Control in Houston,
and new tapes have recently been released
that show their voyage in a different light.
Altitude now 21,000 feet. Still looking very good.
Houston, give us a reading on the 1202 alarm.
Okay, that looks good there, Neil. Altitude now 21,000 feet.
You're looking good to us, Eagle.
Roger that.
Hey, what'd you get the launch guys for a gift?
- What-- - Launch guys for a gift?
- What are you talking about? - I got 'em putters.
You got the launch guys a gift? Are you kidding me?
Why'd you do that?
Well, they're sending us to the moon.
Well, I didn't get them anything.
- It's fine. - No.
They must think I'm some kind of cheapskate
- or ingrate or something. - Nah, I'm sure they don't think that.
Well, it seems odd to me that you got them something and I didn't.
I'm sure they're gonna be talking about it.
When you go to somebody's house for dinner, do you show up empty-handed?
Yes.
- Well, that's bad. - Why is it bad?
If I have to stop off to buy something on the way to the dinner,
I don't even want to go to the dinner. Don't even invite me.
All right. I didn't mean anything by it, all right?
It was just a-- It was a nice gesture.
Yeah, exactly. That's the kind of thing I never think of.
I need somebody to tell me about their gesture
so I can repeat their gesture.
- I never think of gestures. - It was just a little something.
You got the launch guys a gift.
Altitude 4,200. You're a go for landing, over.
Roger. Go for landing, 4,000 feet.
- It wouldn't have killed you to tell me. - Sorry.
I don't see how you couldn't have told me.
- Well, get 'em a return gift. - A return gift?
Yeah. Grab 'em something from the moon. Bring back a rock.
- A rock? - Yeah, get 'em rocks.
What, are you fucking nuts? I'm keeping the rocks for myself.
You're gonna keep every rock from the moon?
Yeah. I'm gonna be taking a lot of rocks.
Lots of them.
- What, are you gonna swallow the rocks? - No, I brought a laundry bag.
You brought a laundry bag for rocks? That's not very scientific.
I'm gonna put the rocks in the laundry bag.
These are moon rocks, you dodo.
- They haven't been tested. - Hey, listen.
We can make millions of dollars from these rocks.
Get smart, will you?
You can make millions of dollars in speaking engagements.
You don't need to bring back a bunch of rocks from the moon
- and just give them out or sell them. - Okay.
You better not say a fucking thing.
I apologize. I did not mean to make you upset.
- I don't know what to tell you. - Well, it pisses me off.
- I mean-- - All right, let's forget it.
- Let's forget it. - Yeah. Can we just take a second?
We're about to land on the moon. I mean, come on.
We're landing on the moon!
We are landing on the moon!
Roger, understand go for landing, 3,000 feet.
Roger.
Descending 3,000 feet, over.
Good radar data.
We're now on approach phase. Everything looking good.
Hey, by the way,
I think I came up with a pretty good line
for when I step on the moon for the first time.
- All right? - What? What do you mean?
Well, I'm gonna be the first man to ever step on the moon.
I gotta say something profound, something with some real gravitas,
and I think I thought of something.
Who said you're taking the first step?
- They did. - Who's they?
NASA, the launch guys.
So now you get to step on the moon first?
Nobody told me about this.
They told me. They didn't tell you?
No, no, they didn't.
Anyway, so what do you think of this?
"That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind."
That stinks. Boy, does that stink.
- That's terrible. - What are you talking about?
That is so trite.
I could've come up with a much better line
than that boring "one small step for a man."
You can do better?
- What do you got? - I can do better in my sleep.
Give me a line then, if that one's no good.
"Fly me to the moon and let me play among the stars."
- Like the song? - What song?
It's a song called "Fly Me to the Moon."
- "Fly Me to the Moon"? - Sinatra.
- Never heard of it. - You've never heard the song,
but you've quoted the lyrics perfectly?
Why don't you just jump down on the moon and start singing "Summer Wind"?
"Fly me... Fly me to the moon, let me play..."
- "Let me see what spring is like on..." - "Spring is like on."
- "...on Jupiter and Mars." - "Jupiter and Mars."
Oh, yes, it-- you're--
- Shit. You're right. It is a song. - Yep.
Maybe when you land on the moon,
you can tell 'em, "Hey, if I can make it here,
I'll make it anywhere."
Okay, how about this? I pick up a rock, okay?
I pretend I'm eating it. I go... "Gouda!"
- "Gouda"? - Yeah, Gouda. The cheese.
Yeah, no, I got it.
It's funny. You have no sense of hu-- You know, that's your thing.
You have no sense of humor at all.
I could tell joke after joke, you'd get nothing.
- What? - They should've asked me to do the line
because I'm creative.
Yeah, you're so creative, you plagiarize Sinatra.
You know, I did a lot of plays in high school.
- Okay. - I played Robert Browning
in The Barretts of Wimpole Street. I was fantastic.
Just because you did The Barretts of Wimpole Street
in high school doesn't mean you're creative. I'm--
Yeah. And you know what? I was written about the next day
in the school newspaper. "Buzz Aldrin Is Robert Browning,"
and they capitalized "is."
Do you remember any lines?
Maybe you could say one when you walk on the moon.
Eagle, Houston, you are go to powered descent.
Roger. Prepare for landing.
We're go, same time, we're go.
You fucker.
Now I know why you gave them that gift.
'Cause you wanted to set foot on the moon first.
- What? - You bribed your way onto the moon!
I gave them a gift because that's what you do.
Who gets a launch team gifts? I'll bet nobody's ever given them a gift.
No one's ever been sent to the moon before.
Oh, my God. You're so desperate.
- You're such a phony. - I'm a phony?
- Yes. - Edwin.
Calling yourself "Buzz." Why?
'Cause it sounds cool? You're Edwin. Edwin Aldrin.
I'd change it too 'cause the I-N on both names sounds weird.
- Oh, I'm so sorry. Yeah. - So you give yourself a name
- for like a ten-year-old boy. - Oh, sure.
- Yeah. - "Buzz."
Let me tell you something, schmucko, okay?
When I was five years old, instead of ringing my friend's doorbells,
I would stand outside and go, "Buzz, buzz, buzz,"
and that name stuck! All the mothers loved it!
"Buzz is here!"
I don't think that's true.
You think I'm making it up?
All right. You know what? I think you're full of lies.
- I'm full of lies? - Yes! You told me four times you had sex
with Rocky Marciano's daughter.
Well, I did have sex with Rocky Marciano's daughter,
- and it was fantastic. - There's no way Rocky Marciano
would let anyone like you, named Buzz, near his daughter.
Rocky Marciano met me. He really liked me.
So don't tell me that Rocky Marciano wouldn't let me have sex with Lucy.
'Cause he did let me, and so did Lucy.
He "let you" have sex with his daughter? That already sounds--
- Well, he-- - What kind of creepy arrangement
did you have with Rocky Marciano?
Eagle, you all right up there?
Just... descending. Seven hundred feet.
Eagle, you're go for landing, over.
I'll tell you what, Neil. I don't believe
- that NASA told you... - Three hundred feet.
...that you're gonna be first on the moon.
- Yes, they did. I'm not a liar. - They didn't. No, they didn't.
- You're a liar! - You're a liar!
We copy you down, Eagle.
Tranquility Base here.
- The Eagle has land-- - The Eagle has landed.
- The Eagle has landed-- - Eagle's landed.
The Eagle's land...
- The Eagle's land-- - We've landed. We've landed.
Yeah, we land-- Yeah.
Okay, engine stop. Looking good, over.
We're a go. We're a go.
Roger, the EVA is progressing beautifully.
Stop it! You're ruining the moon landing!
We're on TV!
Go back inside!
That's one small step for a man,
one giant leap for mankind.
- Boom! - Come back here!
You son of a bitch!
You're ruining it, Edwin!
It's Buzz!
You cocksucker!
- You're too cheap! - You got the launch team a gift?
Those guys hate you,
that's why they didn't want you to go first.
- You ass kisser! - Get off me!
Hey!
My glasses! I hate you!