1 00:00:05,631 --> 00:00:07,758 - What's your source? - What's your source? 2 00:00:11,220 --> 00:00:12,346 My fellow Americans, 3 00:00:12,429 --> 00:00:15,641 as many of you know, I killed Paul Bunyan today. 4 00:00:15,724 --> 00:00:18,018 I'll take questions in a moment. 5 00:00:18,101 --> 00:00:20,479 Paul James Bunyan was a frontier folk hero 6 00:00:20,562 --> 00:00:22,064 turned modern nightmare. 7 00:00:22,147 --> 00:00:24,608 He used his legendary size and status to disguise 8 00:00:24,691 --> 00:00:27,694 a 30-year spree of murder, arson, and cannibalism. 9 00:00:27,778 --> 00:00:29,738 As leader of the nation that Bunyan helped build 10 00:00:29,821 --> 00:00:31,240 and as the man who took off his head 11 00:00:31,323 --> 00:00:33,242 with an obsidian boomerang, I'll say this much 12 00:00:33,325 --> 00:00:35,410 to anyone who thinks they're taller than the law. 13 00:00:35,494 --> 00:00:37,246 Timber, bitch. Questions? 14 00:00:37,329 --> 00:00:38,205 Stuckey. 15 00:00:38,288 --> 00:00:39,831 "The New York Times" recently accused you 16 00:00:39,915 --> 00:00:42,000 of using taxpayer dollars to play Batman. 17 00:00:42,084 --> 00:00:44,127 The "Times" can ask Paul Bunyan if I was playing. 18 00:00:44,211 --> 00:00:45,045 Munson. 19 00:00:45,128 --> 00:00:46,797 How do you respond to "People" magazine 20 00:00:46,880 --> 00:00:48,549 calling you the president with the greatest voice? 21 00:00:48,632 --> 00:00:52,052 I can neither confirm or deny! 22 00:00:52,135 --> 00:00:53,136 Good-looking redhead in front. 23 00:00:53,220 --> 00:00:54,054 Oh. 24 00:00:54,137 --> 00:00:55,472 Uh, do you think killing Paul Bunyan 25 00:00:55,556 --> 00:00:56,974 will hurt your approval rating? 26 00:00:57,057 --> 00:00:59,226 I think the families of the people he was eating will approve. 27 00:00:59,309 --> 00:01:00,352 Others will disapprove, 28 00:01:00,435 --> 00:01:02,688 like people who print menus for pancake restaurants. 29 00:01:02,771 --> 00:01:05,566 Look, folks, I took an oath to protect the people. 30 00:01:05,649 --> 00:01:08,277 And sometimes that means I won't get likes and subscribes. 31 00:01:08,360 --> 00:01:10,070 If you don't like it, all I can offer 32 00:01:10,153 --> 00:01:12,781 is an emoji of a dinner plate and an emoji of my ass. 33 00:01:12,864 --> 00:01:15,284 Thank you and God bless America. 34 00:01:15,367 --> 00:01:16,410 Bluebird bound for Oval. 35 00:01:16,493 --> 00:01:17,744 Ma'am, please stay 10 feet back. 36 00:01:17,828 --> 00:01:19,871 Oh, I'm Banks. I'm the new Chief of Staff. 37 00:01:19,955 --> 00:01:20,998 I don't know that. 38 00:01:21,081 --> 00:01:21,957 Oh. 39 00:01:22,040 --> 00:01:23,584 Special Agent O'Doyle. 40 00:01:23,667 --> 00:01:26,295 You run things by the book when you're not being booked. 41 00:01:26,378 --> 00:01:27,671 Ugh, felon much? 42 00:01:27,754 --> 00:01:29,089 Those charges were dropped. 43 00:01:29,172 --> 00:01:30,757 It's not murder to finish a ghost's business. 44 00:01:30,841 --> 00:01:33,302 And waving a hologram of me when I was 3 pounds heavier 45 00:01:33,385 --> 00:01:34,803 does not give you clearance. 46 00:01:34,886 --> 00:01:37,598 I've been cleared to come into the United States Press Room. 47 00:01:37,681 --> 00:01:40,475 How could I be here and not be who I say I am? 48 00:01:40,559 --> 00:01:43,103 You could be a dopplegobble. That's a hybrid of doppelganger and a-- 49 00:01:43,186 --> 00:01:44,438 I know what a dopplegobble is. 50 00:01:44,521 --> 00:01:45,439 O'Doyle, what are you doing? 51 00:01:45,522 --> 00:01:46,481 Possible dopplegobble. 52 00:01:46,565 --> 00:01:48,150 There is no possible dopplegobble. 53 00:01:48,233 --> 00:01:49,943 Sir, I'm Chief of Staff Rho Banks. 54 00:01:50,027 --> 00:01:52,321 You might wanna curb Agent Bro before he shoots me. 55 00:01:52,404 --> 00:01:54,823 Hey! Not in front of press. All of this is off the record. 56 00:01:54,906 --> 00:01:56,158 That's not how that works. 57 00:01:56,241 --> 00:01:58,368 You have to say something's off the record before it happens. 58 00:01:58,452 --> 00:02:00,454 What are you, Professor Record? 59 00:02:00,537 --> 00:02:03,832 Steve, why are you checking to see if your name is Professor Record? 60 00:02:03,915 --> 00:02:06,501 Some kind of creature attacked me in the Press Bathroom! 61 00:02:09,087 --> 00:02:10,922 Dopplegobble! 62 00:02:11,965 --> 00:02:14,468 Everyone, stay back. Swapping ammo. 63 00:02:14,551 --> 00:02:16,762 Shape-Hold. Shape held. 64 00:02:16,845 --> 00:02:18,472 Swapping again. Mentos. 65 00:02:18,555 --> 00:02:19,765 Cover your mouths. 66 00:02:22,059 --> 00:02:23,894 Well, ma'am, I guess that clears you. 67 00:02:23,977 --> 00:02:24,936 Dopplegobbles are solitary-- 68 00:02:25,020 --> 00:02:26,647 I know they're solitary hunters! 69 00:02:26,730 --> 00:02:29,232 OK, put that shit on the record. 70 00:03:00,764 --> 00:03:01,598 OK, OK. 71 00:03:01,682 --> 00:03:03,850 Now unlearn Polish and learn origami. 72 00:03:03,934 --> 00:03:05,811 Oh, and the screenplay for "RoboCop"! 73 00:03:05,894 --> 00:03:07,229 O'Doyle! What--what do you think? 74 00:03:07,312 --> 00:03:09,564 I think she's an unregulated synthetic. 75 00:03:09,648 --> 00:03:11,149 "Well, give the man a hand!" 76 00:03:11,233 --> 00:03:13,443 Origami RoboCop! She can do anything! 77 00:03:13,527 --> 00:03:14,695 Shut yourself down. 78 00:03:17,030 --> 00:03:17,906 Doesn't work like that. 79 00:03:17,989 --> 00:03:19,199 And I'm not a "synthetic." 80 00:03:19,282 --> 00:03:21,910 My brain has just been maximized for neural plasticity. 81 00:03:21,993 --> 00:03:23,495 Sounds so organic. 82 00:03:23,578 --> 00:03:25,288 Sorry, O'Doyle's half leprechaun, 83 00:03:25,372 --> 00:03:28,166 so he's wary of deception, magic, et cetera. 84 00:03:28,250 --> 00:03:29,960 Don't leprechauns like those things? 85 00:03:30,043 --> 00:03:32,129 So you've literally hired my mother. 86 00:03:33,338 --> 00:03:34,840 Sir, maybe we should go over your schedule for today? 87 00:03:34,923 --> 00:03:36,174 You've got that trade meeting-- 88 00:03:36,258 --> 00:03:37,551 Hey, you can learn karate, right? 89 00:03:37,634 --> 00:03:38,510 Actually, better question-- 90 00:03:38,593 --> 00:03:41,012 if we intercepted one of those giant Japanese monsters-- 91 00:03:41,096 --> 00:03:42,931 - Kaijus. - If we intercepted a kaiju, 92 00:03:43,014 --> 00:03:45,058 could we put a helmet on it and have you hack into its brain? 93 00:03:45,142 --> 00:03:46,601 Then we'd have our own kaiju. 94 00:03:46,685 --> 00:03:48,687 That would be a violation of international law. 95 00:03:48,770 --> 00:03:51,064 Oh, God, you're one of those legal people? 96 00:03:51,148 --> 00:03:52,733 Oh, God, you're not? 97 00:03:52,816 --> 00:03:53,650 Yes, Janice? 98 00:03:53,734 --> 00:03:57,904 Sir, an almost handsome man from the CIA is here to see you. 99 00:03:57,988 --> 00:04:00,240 Shit. Do not let him provoke you. 100 00:04:00,323 --> 00:04:01,950 Don't mention the names of anyone you hold dear. 101 00:04:02,033 --> 00:04:03,785 You're afraid of the CIA? 102 00:04:03,869 --> 00:04:05,746 They killed Kennedy, they Nixon'd Nixon, 103 00:04:05,829 --> 00:04:07,748 and I think they stole one of Carter's fingers. 104 00:04:07,831 --> 00:04:08,832 Don't send him in, Janice. 105 00:04:08,915 --> 00:04:11,084 Nah, nah, send him in. 106 00:04:11,168 --> 00:04:13,420 Hi there, Mr .Presi--gun, gun! I've got a gun! 107 00:04:13,503 --> 00:04:15,297 Come on, man, you gotta be faster than that. 108 00:04:15,380 --> 00:04:16,631 Oh, by the way, I'm not from the CIA. 109 00:04:16,715 --> 00:04:18,550 The CIA doesn't exist. 110 00:04:18,633 --> 00:04:19,634 - Or does it? - Ugh. 111 00:04:19,718 --> 00:04:21,261 Oh. It's this week's new Chief of Staff. 112 00:04:21,344 --> 00:04:22,429 No intro neccessito. 113 00:04:22,512 --> 00:04:23,388 I've read your file. 114 00:04:23,472 --> 00:04:25,265 Targeting Officer Jack Coffey. 115 00:04:25,348 --> 00:04:27,726 Bluff called. She really reads the files! 116 00:04:27,809 --> 00:04:29,019 Loser. So what's your gimmick? 117 00:04:29,102 --> 00:04:30,479 Gotta have an action hero gimmick 118 00:04:30,562 --> 00:04:31,772 or this manchild wouldn't hire you. 119 00:04:31,855 --> 00:04:33,273 Like this guy. You know he never lies? 120 00:04:33,356 --> 00:04:35,150 I'll show you. You gay? He can't answer. 121 00:04:35,233 --> 00:04:36,401 'Cause of the Kinsey scale. 122 00:04:36,485 --> 00:04:37,319 We're all a little... 123 00:04:38,111 --> 00:04:39,279 Except me. I'm lying. 124 00:04:39,362 --> 00:04:41,198 What do you want, you fuckin' sociopath? 125 00:04:41,281 --> 00:04:42,741 Glad you asked. 126 00:04:43,742 --> 00:04:44,868 This, as you know, 127 00:04:44,951 --> 00:04:47,287 is a hockey puck with a hologram of the country in it. 128 00:04:47,370 --> 00:04:48,955 I thought you might like it. 129 00:04:49,039 --> 00:04:50,707 Plus it came with this cool telescoping pointer. 130 00:04:51,583 --> 00:04:54,419 Uh-oh, handheld apparatus exceeds the eighteen-inch limit. 131 00:04:54,503 --> 00:04:56,379 You have been detained by Secret Service. 132 00:04:56,463 --> 00:04:57,672 Please! I don't want to die! 133 00:04:57,756 --> 00:04:59,132 That's my one weakness! 134 00:04:59,216 --> 00:05:01,718 Do you know what it's like to work for people so deceptive, 135 00:05:01,802 --> 00:05:04,346 they can train you to cry on cue? 136 00:05:04,429 --> 00:05:05,597 Why are you here? 137 00:05:05,680 --> 00:05:07,015 I don't know, we just love presidents. 138 00:05:07,098 --> 00:05:08,391 Bomb. Bomb. Bomb. Bomb. Bomb. 139 00:05:08,475 --> 00:05:09,684 - Bomb. Bomb. Bomb. - Shit! Move, move, move! 140 00:05:09,768 --> 00:05:10,977 Evacuate West Wing! 141 00:05:11,061 --> 00:05:12,479 Really? First day of work? 142 00:05:12,562 --> 00:05:14,523 Bomb. Fake bomb, sound off. 143 00:05:14,606 --> 00:05:16,149 Fake bomb, vibrate. 144 00:05:16,233 --> 00:05:18,151 Fake bomb, gentle beats. 145 00:05:25,075 --> 00:05:26,660 Yuck. Carter germs. 146 00:05:28,411 --> 00:05:30,914 God damn it! I can't believe we fell for that! 147 00:05:30,997 --> 00:05:33,250 He went down FDR's fireside shaft! 148 00:05:34,334 --> 00:05:37,170 - O'Doyle, can you scan his aura? - He went north. 149 00:05:37,254 --> 00:05:39,297 He tends to micromanage, but he'd probably be a good dad 150 00:05:39,381 --> 00:05:40,799 if he stopped getting in his own way. 151 00:05:40,882 --> 00:05:42,843 OK let's chase him, not humanize him. 152 00:05:42,926 --> 00:05:45,095 - Sir, how do I report this exactly? - You don't. 153 00:05:45,178 --> 00:05:46,805 But none of this is in the Constitution! 154 00:05:46,888 --> 00:05:48,557 Neither is your mama, but you did what she told you, right? 155 00:05:48,640 --> 00:05:49,516 Gun. 156 00:05:50,851 --> 00:05:52,394 Revise that. Hologram of a gun. 157 00:05:52,477 --> 00:05:53,520 That wasn't me lying. 158 00:05:53,603 --> 00:05:55,397 - The hologram was a lie. - We get it. 159 00:05:55,480 --> 00:05:56,565 You, with a gun. 160 00:05:56,648 --> 00:05:58,984 You, not masturbating in a Zoom meeting. 161 00:05:59,067 --> 00:06:01,236 You, proudly attending a school play. 162 00:06:01,319 --> 00:06:04,030 - Could've been a good dad? - I said probably. 163 00:06:04,114 --> 00:06:05,574 He took something from the tape vault, 164 00:06:05,657 --> 00:06:07,450 he's headed for the exit, and he fears rejection. 165 00:06:07,534 --> 00:06:09,369 Who craves rejection? Let's go! 166 00:06:14,499 --> 00:06:16,459 Damn it! And he took the fastest one! 167 00:06:16,543 --> 00:06:17,586 Uh, what about one of those? 168 00:06:17,669 --> 00:06:19,629 That's Reagan's experimental vehicle bay, 169 00:06:19,713 --> 00:06:21,965 but it's locked with a facial scanner that thinks I'm Mr. T. 170 00:06:22,048 --> 00:06:24,134 Fortunately, it's using 1980s encryption. 171 00:06:24,217 --> 00:06:25,886 I should be able to patch in. 172 00:06:25,969 --> 00:06:28,471 - Go left! Right! Go right! Hold, hold! - No, no! Up, up! Hold, hold! 173 00:06:28,555 --> 00:06:29,556 Very helpful. 174 00:06:29,639 --> 00:06:30,515 Got it. 175 00:06:31,474 --> 00:06:32,350 Come on, Ronald. 176 00:06:32,434 --> 00:06:34,185 Let's go teach gangs how to breakdance. 177 00:06:34,269 --> 00:06:36,104 The car doesn't really talk. Those are recordings. 178 00:06:36,187 --> 00:06:37,939 There is no such thing as AIDS. 179 00:06:38,023 --> 00:06:39,065 I'm not making it say that. 180 00:06:43,737 --> 00:06:45,030 What are you doing? Ram him. 181 00:06:45,113 --> 00:06:47,365 Ram him? We're in a car. He's in a wheelchair. 182 00:06:47,449 --> 00:06:49,743 - It's a stolen wheelchair! - It is still punching down! 183 00:06:56,041 --> 00:06:57,584 OK, now it's punching up. 184 00:06:59,085 --> 00:07:00,295 Ah! 185 00:07:02,964 --> 00:07:04,591 - You get him. I'll get the tape! - Yes, ma'am. 186 00:07:04,674 --> 00:07:05,717 Impact detected. 187 00:07:05,800 --> 00:07:08,053 Planting evidence to avoid liability. 188 00:07:12,140 --> 00:07:14,184 Are you running at my speed to make me feel better? 189 00:07:14,267 --> 00:07:15,560 - Did it work? - Go! 190 00:07:19,564 --> 00:07:20,732 Hey! Bad dog! 191 00:07:21,691 --> 00:07:23,443 Actually, wait. I'm the problem! 192 00:07:23,526 --> 00:07:24,903 All your bad behaviors are because 193 00:07:24,986 --> 00:07:26,696 I'm a lazy, undisciplined owner! 194 00:07:31,910 --> 00:07:32,744 Ah, shit! 195 00:07:40,794 --> 00:07:41,628 He's jigging! 196 00:07:41,711 --> 00:07:43,254 We need to get the hell out of here! 197 00:07:47,884 --> 00:07:49,010 I'm so sorry, sir. 198 00:07:49,094 --> 00:07:50,637 I let you down. 199 00:07:50,720 --> 00:07:52,472 You did not. Breathe. 200 00:07:52,555 --> 00:07:54,641 O Danny boy 201 00:07:54,724 --> 00:07:56,393 The pipes, the pipes are-- 202 00:07:56,476 --> 00:07:58,353 Excuse me. Are you the president? 203 00:07:58,436 --> 00:08:00,397 No, I'm a lookalike. I do mattress commercials. 204 00:08:00,480 --> 00:08:02,649 Oh! You're lucky. he's a handsome man to look like. 205 00:08:02,732 --> 00:08:03,775 Well, bless your heart. 206 00:08:03,858 --> 00:08:05,443 Got it! Don't know what it is, but I got it! 207 00:08:05,527 --> 00:08:07,362 - Can we do a selfie? - You better believe it. 208 00:08:07,445 --> 00:08:09,823 - Um, sir? - I'm glad you're really not him. 209 00:08:09,906 --> 00:08:11,324 A lot of his policies concern me, 210 00:08:11,408 --> 00:08:12,867 and I don't love that he's divorced. 211 00:08:12,951 --> 00:08:14,577 Yeah, well, stick that up your ass. 212 00:08:14,661 --> 00:08:17,455 Sir, why are there two tapes of the first Moon landing? 213 00:08:17,539 --> 00:08:19,290 And why is one labeled "real"? 214 00:08:19,374 --> 00:08:21,334 Because they're both real? 215 00:08:21,418 --> 00:08:22,544 Eh, I tried. 216 00:08:23,586 --> 00:08:24,713 This is the Moon landing 217 00:08:24,796 --> 00:08:27,090 the world watched live in 1969, 218 00:08:27,173 --> 00:08:29,426 - and it was all very real. - Oh, thank Christ. 219 00:08:29,509 --> 00:08:32,220 And this is the Moon landing that was produced as a backup. 220 00:08:32,303 --> 00:08:33,513 - "Backup"? - You know, in case 221 00:08:33,596 --> 00:08:35,015 Armstrong landed on the Moon 222 00:08:35,098 --> 00:08:36,516 and said, "God is dead," or even worse, 223 00:08:36,599 --> 00:08:37,684 "God is alive." 224 00:08:37,767 --> 00:08:39,769 - One small step for man-- - Cut! 225 00:08:39,853 --> 00:08:42,022 - The line is "a man." - That's what I said. 226 00:08:42,105 --> 00:08:43,732 - Then you mumbled it. - Back to "one." 227 00:08:43,815 --> 00:08:45,734 It was shot during LBJ's administration 228 00:08:45,817 --> 00:08:46,651 by Stanley Kubrick. 229 00:08:46,735 --> 00:08:47,902 Hey, you can't talk to me like that. 230 00:08:47,986 --> 00:08:49,654 Yeah, I can. Think about it. 231 00:08:49,738 --> 00:08:51,114 You're in a fake Moon landing. 232 00:08:51,197 --> 00:08:52,949 You really think they're gonna let you live? 233 00:08:53,033 --> 00:08:54,409 How you feeling? Frightened? 234 00:08:54,492 --> 00:08:55,452 Struggling to breathe? 235 00:08:55,535 --> 00:08:57,037 Cosmically insignificant? 236 00:08:57,120 --> 00:09:00,248 Good. Now put film in the camera. 237 00:09:00,331 --> 00:09:01,166 - Whoa, so cool. - Wow. 238 00:09:01,249 --> 00:09:02,333 - Did you see that? - Amazing. 239 00:09:02,417 --> 00:09:05,170 Unfortunately, it cost twice as much as the real Moon landing, 240 00:09:05,253 --> 00:09:06,588 and 20 people died making it. 241 00:09:06,671 --> 00:09:08,506 - Jesus. - Mostly writers, but yeah. 242 00:09:08,590 --> 00:09:10,216 It's good the CIA didn't get this tape, 243 00:09:10,300 --> 00:09:12,093 but they home invaded the White House today. 244 00:09:12,177 --> 00:09:13,553 We need to expose them. 245 00:09:13,636 --> 00:09:15,555 No, we don't, because we did something better. 246 00:09:15,638 --> 00:09:16,806 We embarrassed them. 247 00:09:16,890 --> 00:09:18,266 Exposure can be very embarrassing. 248 00:09:18,349 --> 00:09:20,226 This administration doesn't tattle, Banks. 249 00:09:20,310 --> 00:09:22,437 We're adults. We fight ninjas. 250 00:09:22,520 --> 00:09:25,899 Mr. President, the CIA called to say they're very sorry 251 00:09:25,982 --> 00:09:28,902 if you thought anything happened today, because it didn't. 252 00:09:28,985 --> 00:09:32,197 They also wanted to remind you they have something on you, 253 00:09:32,280 --> 00:09:34,741 and since you didn't let them do this the easy way, 254 00:09:34,824 --> 00:09:37,243 you might as well just bring the Moon footage to them. 255 00:09:37,327 --> 00:09:39,496 Would you like to go over this before I eat it? 256 00:09:39,579 --> 00:09:41,247 I won't eat it in front of you. 257 00:09:41,331 --> 00:09:44,667 It's a long note, and I don't have the saliva I used to. 258 00:09:44,751 --> 00:09:46,544 - Hi. - Thanks, Janice. 259 00:09:46,628 --> 00:09:48,463 Happy birth--ah, shit, she's gone. 260 00:09:48,546 --> 00:09:50,340 Are we not tattling because we're adults 261 00:09:50,423 --> 00:09:51,841 or because we're being blackmailed? 262 00:09:51,925 --> 00:09:53,384 More robo, less cop, Banks. 263 00:09:53,468 --> 00:09:54,719 End your first day on a win. 264 00:09:54,803 --> 00:09:56,554 That's good advice, sir. I quit. 265 00:09:56,638 --> 00:09:58,515 Well, that's understandable--whaa? 266 00:09:58,598 --> 00:10:00,058 What kind of schmuck bait crap is this? 267 00:10:00,141 --> 00:10:01,184 You don't get to quit! 268 00:10:01,267 --> 00:10:03,394 I don't work for people who only serve themselves. 269 00:10:03,478 --> 00:10:05,563 When I serve myself, I serve the American people. 270 00:10:05,647 --> 00:10:07,148 That's the job of a president. 271 00:10:07,232 --> 00:10:09,109 Oh, did you mean your fraternity of dead White dudes 272 00:10:09,192 --> 00:10:10,819 whose security system thinks you're here 273 00:10:10,902 --> 00:10:12,487 to steal Knight Rider's hubcaps? 274 00:10:12,570 --> 00:10:15,073 "Knight Rider" was the name of the show, not the car! 275 00:10:15,156 --> 00:10:17,075 Have fun selling out your country to the CIA. 276 00:10:17,158 --> 00:10:18,618 - Now you're fired. - I quit! 277 00:10:18,701 --> 00:10:20,328 - Schmuck bait! - I don't know what that is! 278 00:10:20,411 --> 00:10:22,330 It's a term from broadcast television development. 279 00:10:22,413 --> 00:10:23,331 I don't know what that is! 280 00:10:23,414 --> 00:10:26,042 Yeah, but you pulled the phrase Knight Rider out of your ass! 281 00:10:29,129 --> 00:10:30,964 That's a big box for three rulers. 282 00:10:31,047 --> 00:10:33,591 You want me to carry three loose rulers out of the White House 283 00:10:33,675 --> 00:10:35,218 on the worst first day of my life? 284 00:10:35,301 --> 00:10:36,761 But you like a bad day, don't you? 285 00:10:36,845 --> 00:10:39,430 I can see from your aura that you kind of get off on wallowing. 286 00:10:39,514 --> 00:10:41,474 And I can tell from everything you say 287 00:10:41,558 --> 00:10:43,685 that your mother left you in the tub until it got cold. 288 00:10:43,768 --> 00:10:45,937 She actually started the water cold. 289 00:10:46,020 --> 00:10:47,647 He's missing. 290 00:10:47,730 --> 00:10:49,357 He's not even supposed to leave the yard! 291 00:10:49,440 --> 00:10:51,901 I've checked the man cave, the dude room, the bro tunnel, 292 00:10:51,985 --> 00:10:52,986 the testicle vestibule. 293 00:10:53,069 --> 00:10:54,654 So that's how the divorce is going. 294 00:10:54,737 --> 00:10:56,239 Wait, do you think this has something to do 295 00:10:56,322 --> 00:10:58,116 with the CIA having dirt on him? 296 00:10:58,199 --> 00:10:59,784 Do you know things I don't know? 297 00:10:59,868 --> 00:11:02,328 What, are you asking for my help? 298 00:11:02,412 --> 00:11:09,419 Y... 299 00:11:15,425 --> 00:11:17,510 Nothing beats a carnival, does it? 300 00:11:17,594 --> 00:11:19,679 Except maybe an old man feeding birds. 301 00:11:19,762 --> 00:11:22,140 I guess that's why I joined the CIA. 302 00:11:22,223 --> 00:11:23,975 For the tropes. Bird seed? 303 00:11:24,058 --> 00:11:25,643 No, I don't want your damn bird seed. 304 00:11:25,727 --> 00:11:27,562 Where's the Moon footage, Mr. President? 305 00:11:27,645 --> 00:11:29,355 Please tell me it isn't in the Afro. 306 00:11:29,439 --> 00:11:30,857 We're derivative, not regressive. 307 00:11:30,940 --> 00:11:33,318 I want confirmation you'll destroy my file. 308 00:11:33,401 --> 00:11:36,196 I mean, you want me to drag an icon into a trash bin 309 00:11:36,279 --> 00:11:38,114 and then pinkie swear there aren't copies? 310 00:11:38,198 --> 00:11:40,116 - It's like, OK, Boomer. - Coffey? 311 00:11:40,200 --> 00:11:41,409 Give me the film, Curtis. 312 00:11:41,492 --> 00:11:43,036 What are you gonna do, shoot the president? 313 00:11:43,119 --> 00:11:45,079 Yeah, 'cause that never happens, except to like 20% of you. 314 00:11:45,163 --> 00:11:46,706 - Where is it? - What do you want with it? 315 00:11:46,789 --> 00:11:47,665 What's with the interview? 316 00:11:47,749 --> 00:11:49,876 You writing a book about guys with guns pointed at you? 317 00:11:49,959 --> 00:11:52,212 - Afro! - Real bird seed! Real gun! 318 00:12:00,803 --> 00:12:02,347 - What the f-- - Shh. 319 00:12:02,430 --> 00:12:04,599 Sleep, you sleepy little baby piece of shit. 320 00:12:04,682 --> 00:12:05,558 Oh, hi! 321 00:12:05,642 --> 00:12:07,685 I'm only here because I thought the CIA might kill you 322 00:12:07,769 --> 00:12:09,562 for that fake Moon landing tape, and I was right. 323 00:12:09,646 --> 00:12:11,272 Uh, apparently not. 324 00:12:11,356 --> 00:12:12,815 They left behind the fake tape. 325 00:12:12,899 --> 00:12:14,317 Whaa? 326 00:12:14,400 --> 00:12:17,570 What's so special about the real Moon landing, Coffey? 327 00:12:17,654 --> 00:12:18,863 Pfft. 328 00:12:18,947 --> 00:12:20,198 Wait, what's he doing? 329 00:12:20,281 --> 00:12:21,824 He's getting ready to torture you. 330 00:12:21,908 --> 00:12:23,576 Jesus. I thought he was a leprechaun. 331 00:12:23,660 --> 00:12:25,536 Why does he look like a Russian porn director? 332 00:12:25,620 --> 00:12:28,081 You know he can't lie, right? Makes him a great interrogator. 333 00:12:28,164 --> 00:12:31,042 O'Doyle, are you willing to give Coffey a Colombian manicure? 334 00:12:31,125 --> 00:12:33,127 - Yes. - And a Chernobyl circumcision? 335 00:12:33,211 --> 00:12:34,337 Absolutely. 336 00:12:34,420 --> 00:12:36,214 How about a Florida education? 337 00:12:36,297 --> 00:12:37,590 - W-what's that? - What's it sound like? 338 00:12:37,674 --> 00:12:39,300 OK, Jesus! I'll tell you! 339 00:12:39,384 --> 00:12:41,386 There's information in the original Moon tape 340 00:12:41,469 --> 00:12:42,804 that needs to go away. 341 00:12:42,887 --> 00:12:43,721 Bullshit. 342 00:12:43,805 --> 00:12:45,598 I've been over all three hours of this, and there's nothing. 343 00:12:45,682 --> 00:12:47,392 'Cause you're watching it in standard def. 344 00:12:47,475 --> 00:12:48,518 Switch to widescreen. 345 00:12:48,601 --> 00:12:49,936 Settings, input. 346 00:12:50,019 --> 00:12:52,105 What is the difference between display and form--hold on. 347 00:12:52,188 --> 00:12:53,731 Ugh! Why does it keep going back? 348 00:12:53,815 --> 00:12:56,109 Menu to go up, volume down to select? 349 00:12:56,192 --> 00:12:58,111 Why is one category "Display/Audio"? 350 00:12:58,194 --> 00:12:59,445 That's just describing a television. 351 00:12:59,529 --> 00:13:01,364 Here, let Gen X show you how it's done. 352 00:13:04,659 --> 00:13:05,910 What the hell are they doing? 353 00:13:05,994 --> 00:13:09,038 Guys, what's Buzz Aldrin hiding behind his back? 354 00:13:09,122 --> 00:13:10,456 Is that a baby? 355 00:13:10,540 --> 00:13:12,625 You think America spent 25 billion 356 00:13:12,709 --> 00:13:15,253 so three dads could joyride on a Moon rover? 357 00:13:15,336 --> 00:13:16,796 It was about colonization. 358 00:13:16,879 --> 00:13:18,214 - Oh! - Oh! 359 00:13:18,298 --> 00:13:20,967 Let's all agree that not every truth "sets you free." 360 00:13:21,050 --> 00:13:22,885 Like the truth that there's a hamster ball rolling 361 00:13:22,969 --> 00:13:25,013 around the Moon with a mummified baby in it. 362 00:13:25,096 --> 00:13:26,806 Why are you looking at me like I'm not telling you everything? 363 00:13:26,889 --> 00:13:30,143 Because you don't try to steal information you already have. 364 00:13:30,226 --> 00:13:31,769 Enhance. Enhance. 365 00:13:31,853 --> 00:13:32,979 No, no, dehance. 366 00:13:33,062 --> 00:13:34,647 Lefthance. Uphance. Uphance again. 367 00:13:34,731 --> 00:13:36,607 - Stophance. - No need to scan that. 368 00:13:36,691 --> 00:13:38,318 All you're gonna find is the price of the baby. 369 00:13:38,401 --> 00:13:39,986 I got it. It says "Adam." 370 00:13:40,069 --> 00:13:41,738 And then there's a frequency. 371 00:13:41,821 --> 00:13:43,323 This is telemetry data. 372 00:13:43,406 --> 00:13:44,657 This signal is moving. 373 00:13:44,741 --> 00:13:46,200 It's a skeleton in a ball. 374 00:13:46,284 --> 00:13:48,119 - They roll. - This is walking. 375 00:13:48,202 --> 00:13:49,579 Adam is alive. 376 00:13:49,662 --> 00:13:51,164 OK, OK! Yes, he's alive! 377 00:13:51,247 --> 00:13:53,124 He's a superhuman freak bred for the Moon! 378 00:13:53,207 --> 00:13:55,335 We thought he'd die on his own, but now every country 379 00:13:55,418 --> 00:13:56,919 and their mother is planning a Moon mission, 380 00:13:57,003 --> 00:13:59,088 and we can't let him fall into the wrong hands. 381 00:13:59,839 --> 00:14:02,175 You think I'm gonna let you murder your own dirty secret? 382 00:14:02,258 --> 00:14:03,760 I'm gonna go rescue his ass, 383 00:14:03,843 --> 00:14:05,720 then we'll see who has dirt on who. 384 00:14:05,803 --> 00:14:06,846 Pssh, good luck. 385 00:14:06,929 --> 00:14:08,848 Our kill squad's already on the way to the Moon, 386 00:14:08,931 --> 00:14:11,601 and you just gave us the targeting data we needed. 387 00:14:11,684 --> 00:14:12,602 Camera in my button. 388 00:14:12,685 --> 00:14:13,519 Pretty basic spy stuff. 389 00:14:13,603 --> 00:14:16,022 No, don't make me sleep. My dreams are so scary! Fu... 390 00:14:16,105 --> 00:14:18,358 - Sir, what do they have on you? - It doesn't matter. 391 00:14:18,441 --> 00:14:19,984 We gotta get to the Moon before they do. 392 00:14:20,068 --> 00:14:21,736 How? NASA could be compromised. 393 00:14:21,819 --> 00:14:23,905 I don't need NASA to go to the Moon. 394 00:14:23,988 --> 00:14:25,698 I've... got a guy. 395 00:14:25,782 --> 00:14:27,367 I'll bring it back in one piece. 396 00:14:27,450 --> 00:14:29,369 Eh, keep it. I built it during a blackout. 397 00:14:29,452 --> 00:14:30,953 It's basically "found spacecraft." 398 00:14:31,037 --> 00:14:32,330 Thanks, Rick, Morty. 399 00:14:32,413 --> 00:14:33,956 Sorry for all the times I tried to kill you 400 00:14:34,040 --> 00:14:35,208 in your own adventures. 401 00:14:35,291 --> 00:14:37,043 - We're cool. - Eh, water under the bridge. 402 00:14:37,126 --> 00:14:38,795 All right, well, later, nerds. 403 00:14:43,174 --> 00:14:45,218 Wow, they spin off so fast. 404 00:14:45,301 --> 00:14:47,512 - I give it ten episodes. - Damn! Shots fired! 405 00:14:47,595 --> 00:14:50,348 Hey, we ain't exactly evergreen ourselves, buddy. 406 00:14:50,431 --> 00:14:53,226 Now come help me "move through the multiverse" 407 00:14:53,309 --> 00:14:54,769 and whoa, ooh... 408 00:15:01,442 --> 00:15:03,486 - Why did I get the back seat? - Oh, my God. 409 00:15:03,569 --> 00:15:05,363 Is that why you've been silently stewing? 410 00:15:05,446 --> 00:15:06,364 Here. 411 00:15:08,658 --> 00:15:10,326 OK, you made your point. 412 00:15:10,410 --> 00:15:11,661 Move me back. 413 00:15:13,663 --> 00:15:15,039 - Don't be a dick. - Can't hear you. 414 00:15:15,123 --> 00:15:16,040 Quiet down, you two! 415 00:15:16,124 --> 00:15:17,375 There's a ship up ahead. 416 00:15:17,458 --> 00:15:19,168 SS "Assassination"? 417 00:15:19,252 --> 00:15:20,420 You think that's them? 418 00:15:23,047 --> 00:15:24,507 All right, let me get up alongside them. 419 00:15:24,590 --> 00:15:26,259 - What are we gonna do? - Watch and learn. 420 00:15:32,515 --> 00:15:34,600 - Great work, sir. - I have my moments. 421 00:15:38,479 --> 00:15:40,148 Adam's signal is in that biodome. 422 00:15:40,231 --> 00:15:42,150 Also, holy shit, I'm on the Moon. 423 00:15:42,233 --> 00:15:43,943 Keep it in your pants, Banks. 424 00:15:50,658 --> 00:15:51,492 Whoa. 425 00:15:51,576 --> 00:15:54,203 This wall was made with rocket casings from Apollo 14. 426 00:15:54,287 --> 00:15:56,581 Incredibly resourceful for a baby. 427 00:15:56,664 --> 00:15:58,958 You do realize babies turn into people, right? 428 00:15:59,041 --> 00:16:01,836 Either way, to do this entirely by yourself... 429 00:16:01,919 --> 00:16:03,296 Maybe not entirely. 430 00:16:03,379 --> 00:16:04,922 They kept sending up super-babies? 431 00:16:05,006 --> 00:16:07,675 No wonder the CIA wanted to wipe this place out. 432 00:16:09,552 --> 00:16:11,679 Why does it smell like a gym locker? 433 00:16:11,762 --> 00:16:13,222 Well, I have a theory. 434 00:16:13,306 --> 00:16:14,348 There's jizz everywhere. 435 00:16:14,432 --> 00:16:16,517 - Whoa. - Hey, let's not judge. 436 00:16:16,601 --> 00:16:18,478 The guy's been isolated on the Moon for 60 years. 437 00:16:18,561 --> 00:16:20,188 But why is it on the ceiling? 438 00:16:20,271 --> 00:16:23,733 Ask not why I came all over the room you're in. 439 00:16:23,816 --> 00:16:27,361 Ask why you're in my come room. 440 00:16:27,445 --> 00:16:29,322 - Are you doing a JFK thing? - Of course. 441 00:16:29,405 --> 00:16:30,781 I look like him, don't you think? 442 00:16:30,865 --> 00:16:33,701 Except my body is mostly lungs to help me breathe up here. 443 00:16:34,994 --> 00:16:37,205 Look, Moon Baby, we've come to rescue you and take you home. 444 00:16:37,288 --> 00:16:40,875 You mean, I can finally be crowned President of Eur-eth? 445 00:16:40,958 --> 00:16:43,377 - What? - The thing that my father and LBJ 446 00:16:43,461 --> 00:16:45,171 and the White House always wanted. 447 00:16:45,254 --> 00:16:47,340 Here, I watch this every day. 448 00:16:47,423 --> 00:16:49,091 Dear son, by the time you see this, 449 00:16:49,175 --> 00:16:52,094 I will be very old and doing many, many parades a day 450 00:16:52,178 --> 00:16:54,055 in Texas, my favorite place. 451 00:16:54,138 --> 00:16:56,641 But I wanted you to know that I love the CIA 452 00:16:56,724 --> 00:16:58,226 and we put you up there together. 453 00:16:58,309 --> 00:16:59,268 What the hell? 454 00:16:59,352 --> 00:17:01,020 I made you to protect my DNA 455 00:17:01,103 --> 00:17:03,648 so that one day my super-spawn could come back 456 00:17:03,731 --> 00:17:05,399 and be president of everything. 457 00:17:05,483 --> 00:17:06,859 You were born special, Adam. 458 00:17:06,943 --> 00:17:08,861 And me and the CIA and White House 459 00:17:08,945 --> 00:17:11,405 will always love you, forever. 460 00:17:11,489 --> 00:17:13,324 Well that's depressing. 461 00:17:13,407 --> 00:17:14,867 - Why? - Because I'm the president. 462 00:17:14,951 --> 00:17:16,702 I came up here to get dirt on the CIA, 463 00:17:16,786 --> 00:17:19,080 not see my entire office in bed with them. 464 00:17:19,163 --> 00:17:21,165 Wait. Are you Clin-ton, 465 00:17:21,249 --> 00:17:23,543 the president who stopped sending me Moon babies? 466 00:17:23,626 --> 00:17:24,794 No, I'm not Clinton! 467 00:17:24,877 --> 00:17:25,920 And where are those Moon babies? 468 00:17:26,003 --> 00:17:27,296 Hmm. Mm. 469 00:17:27,380 --> 00:17:31,384 Ask me again, except ask "how they are" instead of "where." 470 00:17:31,467 --> 00:17:33,219 - How are-- - Delicious! 471 00:17:33,302 --> 00:17:35,179 - Oh. - Pretty sure he ate the babies! 472 00:17:35,263 --> 00:17:38,599 When I serve myself, I serve the American people. 473 00:17:38,683 --> 00:17:40,768 That is the job of a president. 474 00:17:40,851 --> 00:17:41,811 OK, I get it. 475 00:17:41,894 --> 00:17:43,312 I was thinking problematically. 476 00:17:43,396 --> 00:17:44,730 This isn't about you! 477 00:17:44,814 --> 00:17:47,316 It's about me reclaiming my legacy! 478 00:17:47,400 --> 00:17:49,527 Thanks for the spaceship! 479 00:17:49,610 --> 00:17:51,529 If not us, who? If not us, who? 480 00:17:51,612 --> 00:17:52,572 Fatherbots! 481 00:17:52,655 --> 00:17:53,489 Shit. Take cover! 482 00:17:54,657 --> 00:17:56,117 Enjoy the gravity! 483 00:18:01,664 --> 00:18:03,207 Shit, shit, shit! 484 00:18:03,291 --> 00:18:04,667 He's going for the ship, he's hungry for people, 485 00:18:04,750 --> 00:18:05,835 and he's a triple Leo. 486 00:18:05,918 --> 00:18:07,587 Well, that explains the theatrics. 487 00:18:07,670 --> 00:18:10,172 Banks, can you hack in and reverse the gravity? 488 00:18:10,256 --> 00:18:11,716 This is property of the White House. 489 00:18:11,799 --> 00:18:13,301 My safety protocols won't allow it! 490 00:18:13,384 --> 00:18:15,428 - Can't you override them? - OK, OK. 491 00:18:15,511 --> 00:18:17,471 Remember, my safe word is "Nutter Bar." 492 00:18:18,556 --> 00:18:20,725 OK, I have no more restrictions. 493 00:18:20,808 --> 00:18:22,476 - Or empathy. - I don't like this. 494 00:18:22,560 --> 00:18:23,477 I'm going after Adam! 495 00:18:23,561 --> 00:18:24,562 O'Doyle, cover me! 496 00:18:24,645 --> 00:18:26,272 Yes, sir. Ah! 497 00:18:28,232 --> 00:18:29,442 Ah! Banks! 498 00:18:29,525 --> 00:18:30,860 Can you tweak these gravity settings? 499 00:18:30,943 --> 00:18:32,778 There's nothing I can't tweak. 500 00:18:33,779 --> 00:18:35,197 No! God damn it! 501 00:18:35,281 --> 00:18:38,200 There's only one president here! 502 00:18:38,284 --> 00:18:40,411 And his name is Moon Baby! 503 00:18:41,746 --> 00:18:43,456 Semen doesn't make presidents, Adam. 504 00:18:43,539 --> 00:18:44,540 The people do. 505 00:18:44,624 --> 00:18:45,499 People make semen. 506 00:18:45,583 --> 00:18:47,627 - Where did you learn to argue? - The Moon! 507 00:18:49,629 --> 00:18:51,297 - Ah! - What the hell, Banks? 508 00:18:51,380 --> 00:18:52,757 You gonna shoot or... 509 00:18:55,593 --> 00:18:56,802 Buckle up, buttercup! 510 00:18:56,886 --> 00:18:58,888 Whoa! Ah! 511 00:19:02,892 --> 00:19:04,477 Whoa. Final boss. 512 00:19:16,447 --> 00:19:17,823 Ah, shit! 513 00:19:20,701 --> 00:19:22,286 Shit. I can't penetrate it. 514 00:19:22,370 --> 00:19:23,287 That's what he said. 515 00:19:23,371 --> 00:19:25,289 I'm gonna use gravity to increase your gun's muzzle velocity. 516 00:19:25,373 --> 00:19:26,248 Shoot when I tell you to. 517 00:19:26,332 --> 00:19:27,375 Wait, what? Waah! 518 00:19:27,458 --> 00:19:29,335 Shoot now! 519 00:19:29,418 --> 00:19:30,294 Ah! 520 00:19:33,798 --> 00:19:36,133 Eat my dick, Medibot! 521 00:19:36,217 --> 00:19:37,677 - A little help here, Banks. - Whee! 522 00:19:37,760 --> 00:19:39,679 - Wait, what are you doing? - Going back to Earth, 523 00:19:39,762 --> 00:19:41,555 zeroing out all bank accounts to incite anarchy, 524 00:19:41,639 --> 00:19:43,265 and ruling the rubble as a goddess. 525 00:19:43,349 --> 00:19:44,892 - Bye! - Banks, stop! 526 00:19:46,435 --> 00:19:48,104 Nutter Bar! Oh... 527 00:19:48,187 --> 00:19:50,106 Oxidation protocol, activated. 528 00:19:50,189 --> 00:19:52,900 Now allowing fire in the vacuum of space. 529 00:19:57,321 --> 00:19:58,864 Hey, hey, get off! 530 00:20:01,033 --> 00:20:02,660 Can't... breathe! 531 00:20:02,743 --> 00:20:04,995 There he is, the man I voted for! Whee! 532 00:20:05,079 --> 00:20:06,539 Banks! 533 00:20:08,082 --> 00:20:09,542 What was that safe word to snap her out of it? 534 00:20:09,625 --> 00:20:11,627 Nibble bits! Nelly butt! New Balance! 535 00:20:11,711 --> 00:20:13,254 - Newt Gingrich! - Moon man! 536 00:20:13,337 --> 00:20:14,505 - Why are you pitching? - Nutter Bar! 537 00:20:14,588 --> 00:20:15,923 Fucking Nutter Bar! 538 00:20:16,006 --> 00:20:18,509 Sorry, sorry, sorry. 539 00:20:19,260 --> 00:20:21,595 - Ah! Damn it! - Sir, what are you gonna do? 540 00:20:21,679 --> 00:20:23,472 The CIA has all the chips here. 541 00:20:23,556 --> 00:20:25,099 How can we keep them from exposing 542 00:20:25,182 --> 00:20:26,183 whatever they have on you? 543 00:20:26,267 --> 00:20:27,518 Leave it to me, Banks. 544 00:20:27,601 --> 00:20:29,687 I know exactly what to do. 545 00:20:31,647 --> 00:20:33,190 Mr. President, why were you in space? 546 00:20:33,274 --> 00:20:34,775 Because of secret Moon stuff. 547 00:20:34,859 --> 00:20:37,278 But I have a much more important secret to share. 548 00:20:38,404 --> 00:20:40,906 Last year, I was working out in the White House gym, 549 00:20:40,990 --> 00:20:44,326 a gym I was unaware had active security cameras. 550 00:20:44,410 --> 00:20:46,370 I was doing an intense set of crunches, 551 00:20:46,454 --> 00:20:48,289 and I shit my pants. 552 00:20:49,123 --> 00:20:50,249 My trainer didn't see it. 553 00:20:50,332 --> 00:20:51,959 He had just gone to grab our Postmates. 554 00:20:52,042 --> 00:20:53,085 I panicked. 555 00:20:53,169 --> 00:20:54,795 I threw my underwear in the trash bin. 556 00:20:54,879 --> 00:20:57,631 I wiped my ass with a gym towel, and I kept working out. 557 00:20:57,715 --> 00:20:59,300 I did not wash my hands. 558 00:20:59,383 --> 00:21:00,217 - Oh, my God. - Oh, my God. 559 00:21:00,301 --> 00:21:01,969 I touched a lot of equipment. 560 00:21:02,052 --> 00:21:04,472 I didn't have shit on my hands, but it was still... 561 00:21:04,555 --> 00:21:05,431 disgusting. 562 00:21:05,514 --> 00:21:08,851 I put the health of everyone who touched the StairMaster at risk. 563 00:21:08,934 --> 00:21:11,604 The Office of the President is the most important office... 564 00:21:11,687 --> 00:21:13,731 of the most powerful nation on this planet. 565 00:21:13,814 --> 00:21:16,317 If I use that power to protect my own interests, 566 00:21:16,400 --> 00:21:18,778 I will fail to protect what matters most: 567 00:21:18,861 --> 00:21:19,820 the people. 568 00:21:19,904 --> 00:21:22,281 God bless America, and don't work out if you're hungover. 569 00:21:22,364 --> 00:21:23,240 Goodbye. 570 00:21:23,324 --> 00:21:24,283 What color was the towel, sir? 571 00:21:24,366 --> 00:21:25,534 What color was the towel? 572 00:21:25,618 --> 00:21:27,244 Sir, that was incredible. 573 00:21:27,328 --> 00:21:28,829 Banks, that kind of low bar 574 00:21:28,913 --> 00:21:31,707 is exactly what I need in my closest advisor. 575 00:21:31,791 --> 00:21:32,917 What do you say, kid? 576 00:21:33,000 --> 00:21:36,253 After what I saw today, I'd be honored, Mr. President. 577 00:21:36,337 --> 00:21:38,923 Uh-huh. Let's see how you feel after tomorrow. 578 00:22:58,836 --> 00:23:00,254 Good girl, Boo-boo. 579 00:23:00,337 --> 00:23:01,797 Did you get any of that?