1 00:00:03,003 --> 00:00:04,671 They can't be that hard to find. 2 00:00:04,755 --> 00:00:06,673 They're throwing stars but they're made of wood. 3 00:00:06,757 --> 00:00:08,550 We're in an attic, sir. There's a lot of wood. 4 00:00:08,634 --> 00:00:10,093 But, like, George Washington wood. 5 00:00:10,177 --> 00:00:11,220 Cherry. Like his teeth and left nipple. 6 00:00:11,303 --> 00:00:13,013 Sorry. His left what? 7 00:00:13,096 --> 00:00:15,057 There were some things he could tell a lie about. 8 00:00:15,140 --> 00:00:17,059 But he could also carve a throwing star more lethal 9 00:00:17,142 --> 00:00:18,727 than most guns, 10 00:00:18,810 --> 00:00:20,020 which is a perfect point to make at this seminar 11 00:00:20,103 --> 00:00:21,772 for at-risk youth. 12 00:00:21,855 --> 00:00:23,440 Do at-risk youth attend a lot of seminars? 13 00:00:23,524 --> 00:00:25,817 Less problematizing, more robot- eyes'ing. 14 00:00:25,901 --> 00:00:27,528 I thought I'd find you guys here... 15 00:00:27,611 --> 00:00:28,987 because I surveilled you entering. 16 00:00:29,071 --> 00:00:30,531 Are those hot wings? 17 00:00:30,614 --> 00:00:32,698 For me, yes. You, no. Excuse me? 18 00:00:32,783 --> 00:00:34,493 I'm your boss and the goddamn president. 19 00:00:34,576 --> 00:00:37,246 Executive order, bitch. Fucking Christ! O'Doyle! 20 00:00:37,329 --> 00:00:39,456 These would kill you, sir. 21 00:00:39,540 --> 00:00:41,291 My half-leprechaun stomach can digest molten metals. 22 00:00:41,375 --> 00:00:44,044 My male brain can only hear that as a challenge! 23 00:00:44,127 --> 00:00:46,129 I understand what you mean, but it doesn't apply to this. 24 00:00:46,213 --> 00:00:48,549 It's actual poison. Must...eat... 25 00:00:48,632 --> 00:00:50,300 lethal...chicken. 26 00:00:50,384 --> 00:00:52,636 Garbage. See? 27 00:00:52,719 --> 00:00:54,763 It's garbage now. That's true. 28 00:00:54,846 --> 00:00:56,390 I can't eat out of the garbage. 29 00:00:56,473 --> 00:00:58,016 That would be less alpha. Whoa. 30 00:00:58,100 --> 00:01:01,603 $15 million from Jefferson to Napoleon for... 31 00:01:01,687 --> 00:01:03,355 Louisiana? Damn, Banks. 32 00:01:03,438 --> 00:01:05,524 You found the receipt for the Louisiana Purchase? 33 00:01:05,607 --> 00:01:07,859 People have been asking to see this for 200 years. 34 00:01:07,943 --> 00:01:09,778 All French people, but still. 35 00:01:09,861 --> 00:01:11,488 Wait, we bought Louisiana from France? 36 00:01:11,572 --> 00:01:12,614 Oh! 37 00:01:12,698 --> 00:01:14,741 I just now got the accent. 38 00:01:14,825 --> 00:01:16,785 Huh-huh-huh! 39 00:01:16,868 --> 00:01:18,495 So I didn't go to college. 40 00:01:18,579 --> 00:01:19,913 Or grade school? 41 00:01:19,997 --> 00:01:21,039 Is that where you learned to be mean?! 42 00:01:21,123 --> 00:01:22,332 Not just Louisiana, O'Doyle. 43 00:01:22,416 --> 00:01:23,875 It was the whole territory. 44 00:01:23,959 --> 00:01:25,669 How big, Banks? Like half of America? 45 00:01:25,752 --> 00:01:27,754 15 states. Damn! 46 00:01:27,838 --> 00:01:29,423 Those are state-sized states, too. 47 00:01:29,506 --> 00:01:31,049 They may have invented sex, 48 00:01:31,133 --> 00:01:32,551 but that's the day France got royally... 49 00:01:32,634 --> 00:01:33,884 You almost sound proud of it. 50 00:01:33,969 --> 00:01:35,137 I can't root for the home team? 51 00:01:35,220 --> 00:01:36,680 You know what Jefferson said -- 52 00:01:36,763 --> 00:01:37,848 "Desperate times make for great deals." 53 00:01:37,931 --> 00:01:39,808 What's this part down here? 54 00:01:39,890 --> 00:01:41,393 Looks like Napoleon scribbled a little somethin'-somethin'. 55 00:01:41,476 --> 00:01:42,978 "Oh, and one more thing -- 56 00:01:43,061 --> 00:01:44,438 You are forbidden from entering the cave 57 00:01:44,521 --> 00:01:45,939 in the third Rocky Mountain." 58 00:01:46,023 --> 00:01:47,482 It's initialed by Jefferson. 59 00:01:47,566 --> 00:01:49,651 Third from the left? Third rockiest? 60 00:01:49,735 --> 00:01:50,944 Third mountainest? Good thing we'll never know. 61 00:01:51,027 --> 00:01:52,487 It's forbidden. 62 00:01:52,571 --> 00:01:54,197 So you root for the home team, 63 00:01:54,281 --> 00:01:55,991 but you're okay being told by a foreign dictator 64 00:01:56,074 --> 00:01:57,868 there's a part of your country you're not allowed in? 65 00:01:57,951 --> 00:01:59,745 I'm not allowed in a lot of the country, Banks. 66 00:01:59,828 --> 00:02:02,080 Pilot lounges. The actual horse part of the horse track. 67 00:02:02,164 --> 00:02:03,749 Everyone's home. 68 00:02:03,832 --> 00:02:05,667 My job is to leave the stuff that's working alone. 69 00:02:05,751 --> 00:02:07,419 It's called respecting the legacy of -- 70 00:02:07,502 --> 00:02:10,631 George Washington's throwing stars! 71 00:02:10,714 --> 00:02:13,383 Ooh! There's one for each original colony! 72 00:02:13,467 --> 00:02:16,803 Delaware! Virginia! Rhode Island! Damn. 73 00:02:16,887 --> 00:02:20,223 The only thing those youths are at risk of is losing their shit. 74 00:02:51,880 --> 00:02:53,465 What's up, guys? I'm Amil Bhattam. 75 00:02:53,548 --> 00:02:54,841 And today we're getting to the bottom 76 00:02:54,925 --> 00:02:56,635 of Lincoln's hat. 77 00:02:56,718 --> 00:02:58,553 More specifically, the groundswell of support 78 00:02:58,637 --> 00:03:01,098 to add a top hat to Lincoln's head on Mount Rushmore. 79 00:03:01,181 --> 00:03:02,891 First up, we got Senator Hapkins, 80 00:03:02,974 --> 00:03:05,227 primary sponsor of the 4-score bill, 81 00:03:05,310 --> 00:03:06,436 as well as Martin Popple, 82 00:03:06,520 --> 00:03:08,355 leader of the Hats Off movement. 83 00:03:08,438 --> 00:03:10,190 Sarah, why exactly do you want to add 84 00:03:10,273 --> 00:03:12,317 a 20-story granite hat to Lincoln's head? 85 00:03:12,401 --> 00:03:13,944 Well, it was Lincoln who once said, 86 00:03:14,027 --> 00:03:16,613 "Give me a hat with such strength of brim, 87 00:03:16,697 --> 00:03:18,615 the whole world can rest peacefully and dine." 88 00:03:18,699 --> 00:03:19,950 Which is, of course, why we're adding 89 00:03:20,033 --> 00:03:21,493 a rotating restaurant to the brim. 90 00:03:21,576 --> 00:03:23,078 Oh-kayy. Sarah is clearly 91 00:03:23,161 --> 00:03:25,329 just spouting Hatter propaganda. Ha! 92 00:03:25,414 --> 00:03:27,457 Oh, so we should pretend Lincoln didn't have a hat? 93 00:03:27,541 --> 00:03:29,209 You're defacing a national monument 94 00:03:29,292 --> 00:03:31,211 to sell hat merch and beard-shaped beignets! 95 00:03:31,294 --> 00:03:32,462 Lincoln would hate you! 96 00:03:32,546 --> 00:03:34,423 He would hate yo-- 97 00:03:34,506 --> 00:03:36,049 Another moment alone with my thoughts successfully avoided. 98 00:03:38,719 --> 00:03:41,096 Alright, Banks. Be on alert. Head on a swivel. 99 00:03:41,179 --> 00:03:42,430 It's up to you, and only you, 100 00:03:42,514 --> 00:03:44,015 to figure out what the French are hid-- 101 00:03:44,099 --> 00:03:46,351 Oh, come on, guys! What the fuck? 102 00:03:46,435 --> 00:03:48,645 - Oh, hey, Banks. - Your stealth game is weak. 103 00:03:48,728 --> 00:03:50,021 What the hell are you guys doing here? 104 00:03:50,105 --> 00:03:52,023 I thought you wanted to leave this alone! 105 00:03:52,107 --> 00:03:53,650 And I thought you'd listen to me, but, of course, you didn't. 106 00:03:53,734 --> 00:03:54,609 O'Doyle saw you putting on the squirrel suit 107 00:03:54,692 --> 00:03:55,444 in the locker room. 108 00:03:55,527 --> 00:03:56,903 You ratted on me?! 109 00:03:56,987 --> 00:03:58,280 We did a whole thing about that last week. 110 00:03:58,363 --> 00:03:59,698 We resolved it. 111 00:03:59,781 --> 00:04:01,575 Yeah, but I still owed you a rat-out. 112 00:04:01,658 --> 00:04:02,951 Now we're even. He's the one who keeps cutting the doughnuts 113 00:04:03,034 --> 00:04:04,327 into pieces in the break room. 114 00:04:04,411 --> 00:04:05,996 You dick! Back to not even! O'Doyle! 115 00:04:06,079 --> 00:04:07,539 Either eat it or don't. 116 00:04:07,622 --> 00:04:09,332 Stop trying to turn a doughnut into a pizza. 117 00:04:09,416 --> 00:04:10,417 Besides, Banks, look around. 118 00:04:10,500 --> 00:04:11,877 There's nothing here 119 00:04:11,960 --> 00:04:13,670 but etchings of shoulders and ankles. 120 00:04:13,754 --> 00:04:15,505 It was probably just Napoleon's jerk-off cave. 121 00:04:15,589 --> 00:04:16,673 Look out! 122 00:04:22,387 --> 00:04:23,472 C'est moi, Napoleon. 123 00:04:23,555 --> 00:04:25,098 What in the hell? 124 00:04:25,182 --> 00:04:27,017 I guess Napoleon was into One-Eyed Willy tech? 125 00:04:27,100 --> 00:04:29,102 "It's me, Napoleon. 126 00:04:29,186 --> 00:04:31,730 You thought you screwed us, but we screwed you. 127 00:04:31,813 --> 00:04:35,192 You broke our agreement, so I am declaring Frontier Forfeit." 128 00:04:35,275 --> 00:04:37,194 What's Frontier Forfeit? "A well-known law 129 00:04:37,277 --> 00:04:39,446 that allows the seller to reclaim their land 130 00:04:39,529 --> 00:04:40,697 after a contract breach. 131 00:04:40,781 --> 00:04:42,365 That's right, Jefferson. 132 00:04:42,449 --> 00:04:44,075 I am taking back the Louisiana Territory. 133 00:04:44,159 --> 00:04:46,077 And you can't stop me, because you'll be dead. 134 00:04:46,161 --> 00:04:46,953 Syphilis bomb!" 135 00:04:54,002 --> 00:04:56,630 Anti-syphilis pill? Anti-syphilis pill? 136 00:04:56,713 --> 00:04:58,256 So Napoleon tried to kill Jefferson 137 00:04:58,340 --> 00:04:59,800 and take back the territory? 138 00:04:59,883 --> 00:05:01,551 Wow, the guy who conquered all of Europe 139 00:05:01,635 --> 00:05:03,178 tried to reclaim land and kill a guy. 140 00:05:03,261 --> 00:05:04,971 Move over, Watergate! 141 00:05:05,055 --> 00:05:06,598 Should we destroy the evidence, sir? 142 00:05:06,681 --> 00:05:08,558 What? No. That would actually make it feel like Watergate. 143 00:05:08,642 --> 00:05:11,269 I don't know what that is. 144 00:05:11,353 --> 00:05:14,231 Okay, big deal. So I didn't see one Kevin Costner movie. 145 00:05:14,314 --> 00:05:16,149 You mean "Waterworld"? Whatever. Let's bail. 146 00:05:16,233 --> 00:05:17,651 And, O'Doyle, pack up one 147 00:05:17,734 --> 00:05:19,110 of those ankle etchings for my, uh... 148 00:05:19,194 --> 00:05:20,695 personal collection. 149 00:06:48,199 --> 00:06:49,034 IT'S TIME. 150 00:06:51,036 --> 00:06:52,287 LONG LIVE NAPOLEON! 151 00:06:52,370 --> 00:06:55,290 Sir, I know I can be an even better Secret Service agent 152 00:06:55,373 --> 00:06:56,625 now that I'm a werewolf. 153 00:06:56,707 --> 00:06:58,043 I've got the tech, I've got the drive. 154 00:06:58,126 --> 00:06:59,711 We tried to make you a part of the team 155 00:06:59,794 --> 00:07:01,546 and you ate a guy's leg! But not his head! 156 00:07:01,630 --> 00:07:03,673 That has to count for something! 157 00:07:03,757 --> 00:07:06,635 Sir, I have Marc Luc de Bergeron on the line. 158 00:07:06,718 --> 00:07:09,804 He's the head of France's Real Estate Acquisitions Department. 159 00:07:09,888 --> 00:07:11,765 Real Estate Acquisitions? 160 00:07:12,974 --> 00:07:14,142 This is President Curtis. 161 00:07:14,225 --> 00:07:16,144 What can I do for you, Marc Luc? 162 00:07:16,227 --> 00:07:19,522 A great question, Mr. President. What can you do for us? 163 00:07:19,606 --> 00:07:22,150 I just wanted to notify you that France is... 164 00:07:22,233 --> 00:07:24,611 interested in American land. 165 00:07:24,694 --> 00:07:27,405 In case we should need legal...documentation -- 166 00:07:27,489 --> 00:07:30,033 Sorry. Connection bad. What the hell? 167 00:07:30,116 --> 00:07:31,660 "To legally initiate Frontier Forfeit, 168 00:07:31,743 --> 00:07:33,161 a representative of the former seller 169 00:07:33,244 --> 00:07:34,621 must notify the current landholder --" 170 00:07:34,704 --> 00:07:35,914 Fucking English! 171 00:07:35,997 --> 00:07:37,248 They know we broke the agreement! 172 00:07:37,332 --> 00:07:39,125 Oh, God damn it! Wait, Napoleon's dead. 173 00:07:39,209 --> 00:07:40,585 How can he still have a claim to that land? 174 00:07:40,669 --> 00:07:42,170 His penis. What? 175 00:07:42,253 --> 00:07:43,922 According to 1800s Napoleonic Code, 176 00:07:44,005 --> 00:07:46,174 all you needed to be a French citizen was a dick, 177 00:07:46,257 --> 00:07:48,843 so technically, Napoleon's penis is Napoleon. 178 00:07:48,927 --> 00:07:50,512 It was actually America's law, too, 179 00:07:50,595 --> 00:07:51,596 until they realized women live longer than men 180 00:07:51,680 --> 00:07:53,014 and, thus, pay more taxes. 181 00:07:53,098 --> 00:07:54,683 - That tracks. - Wait, they can reclaim 182 00:07:54,766 --> 00:07:56,558 the entire Louisiana Territory with his penis? 183 00:07:56,643 --> 00:07:58,353 If they bring it to a U.S. court 184 00:07:58,436 --> 00:08:00,438 and certify it as a citizen, yeah. 185 00:08:00,522 --> 00:08:02,190 What the fuck, man? 186 00:08:02,273 --> 00:08:04,359 The good news -- His penis is still in the wind. 187 00:08:04,442 --> 00:08:06,027 It passed through black market art circles in New Orleans 188 00:08:06,111 --> 00:08:08,238 a few years back, and no one has seen it since. 189 00:08:08,321 --> 00:08:09,531 If it's in the shadows of Louisiana, 190 00:08:09,614 --> 00:08:11,116 I know a guy who can find it. 191 00:08:11,199 --> 00:08:12,200 Banks, get the chopper. 192 00:08:12,283 --> 00:08:13,535 O'Doyle, get the cooler. 193 00:08:13,618 --> 00:08:14,828 And, Chomps, don't even ask. 194 00:08:14,911 --> 00:08:16,538 Sir. Let me be a werewolf for good. 195 00:08:16,621 --> 00:08:18,498 Why? So you can eat my innocent legs next? 196 00:08:18,581 --> 00:08:20,709 Hell no. You two, let's roll! 197 00:08:26,715 --> 00:08:28,508 God, I'd hate to actually be able to see in here. 198 00:08:28,591 --> 00:08:29,509 Shh! 199 00:08:31,219 --> 00:08:33,513 Vampire! Stand back! 200 00:08:33,596 --> 00:08:36,725 I'm gonna eat you like the cattle you are. 201 00:08:36,808 --> 00:08:39,894 I'll make you pray for sunrise, you bloodsucking bastard. 202 00:08:42,688 --> 00:08:43,982 Well, we got 'em! 203 00:08:44,065 --> 00:08:45,150 We got them so good! 204 00:08:45,233 --> 00:08:46,484 What the hell? 205 00:08:48,486 --> 00:08:50,739 Don't worry, guys. This is Salem Montgomery. 206 00:08:50,822 --> 00:08:52,240 These guys have helped every American president 207 00:08:52,323 --> 00:08:54,284 since Washington. Be honest. 208 00:08:54,367 --> 00:08:55,869 Did you believe we were gonna fight? 209 00:08:55,952 --> 00:08:57,037 He texted me to make sure we got it right. 210 00:08:57,120 --> 00:08:58,705 He texted you about this? 211 00:08:58,788 --> 00:09:00,623 Monty, we're in a hurry, so I'll cut to the chase. 212 00:09:00,707 --> 00:09:02,292 We're looking for Napoleon's penis. 213 00:09:02,375 --> 00:09:05,545 Black market deal, bought by a very wealthy collector. 214 00:09:05,628 --> 00:09:07,839 Why do you want it? None of your business, leech. 215 00:09:07,922 --> 00:09:10,133 O'Doyle, don't be a dick. Just show him the stuff. 216 00:09:10,216 --> 00:09:12,802 Elsie. 217 00:09:12,886 --> 00:09:15,847 An off-grid atheistic sex cult died in a freak avalanche. 218 00:09:15,930 --> 00:09:18,683 The snow preserved their blood at a perfect 28 degrees. 219 00:09:18,767 --> 00:09:21,436 We're talking rare, nondenominational O-negative. 220 00:09:23,730 --> 00:09:25,732 Half now, half after you help us secure the penis. 221 00:09:25,815 --> 00:09:27,859 You've got yourself a deal, Andre. 222 00:09:27,942 --> 00:09:28,818 Eat up, boys! 223 00:09:33,239 --> 00:09:35,533 So, they have straws in their teeth? What? 224 00:09:35,617 --> 00:09:37,035 I thought they drank blood with their mouths, 225 00:09:37,118 --> 00:09:38,995 but they're like snakes with straw teeth? 226 00:09:39,079 --> 00:09:42,207 I was more distracted by their weird orgasm noises, but yes. 227 00:09:42,290 --> 00:09:43,500 Straw teeth. 228 00:09:43,583 --> 00:09:45,126 Shoot me. Come on, dummy. 229 00:09:45,210 --> 00:09:47,420 Bet you can't hit me. You bet me? 230 00:09:47,504 --> 00:09:49,798 With what money? I bet you'll miss. 231 00:09:49,881 --> 00:09:51,424 Dr. Finch? 232 00:09:51,508 --> 00:09:53,259 Alan Chomps! Hey, how's the moon collar? 233 00:09:53,343 --> 00:09:54,636 Eh, not great. 234 00:09:54,719 --> 00:09:56,012 I ate a construction worker's legs. 235 00:09:56,096 --> 00:09:58,014 We were fighting No shit. these pod people 236 00:09:58,098 --> 00:09:59,557 and the wolf in me just... 237 00:09:59,641 --> 00:10:00,975 well, lost track of who was on our side. 238 00:10:01,059 --> 00:10:02,977 Aw! Assertive Attack Mode. 239 00:10:03,061 --> 00:10:04,354 My old nemesis. 240 00:10:04,437 --> 00:10:05,814 See, when a werewolf senses danger, 241 00:10:05,897 --> 00:10:07,899 its sole drive becomes protecting the pack, 242 00:10:07,982 --> 00:10:09,359 innocent bystanders be damned. 243 00:10:09,442 --> 00:10:10,777 Lie down, pal. 244 00:10:10,860 --> 00:10:12,737 I just want to be a werewolf for good. 245 00:10:12,821 --> 00:10:15,740 Hey, with Finch, you're gonna be a werewolf for great. 246 00:10:16,866 --> 00:10:19,077 There's your penis, Mr. President -- 247 00:10:19,160 --> 00:10:21,746 inside the private collection of Armand Russo. 248 00:10:21,830 --> 00:10:23,790 Napoleon's penis is in his Famous Organs Wing, 249 00:10:23,873 --> 00:10:26,584 next to Tutankhamun's brain and Bette Davis' eyes. 250 00:10:26,668 --> 00:10:28,503 Why are the lights off? Are we breaking in? 251 00:10:28,586 --> 00:10:29,879 Oh, of course we are. Why am I asking? 252 00:10:29,963 --> 00:10:31,965 Because you're a narc at heart, Banks. 253 00:10:32,048 --> 00:10:33,675 Now hack in and bring down their security system. 254 00:10:33,758 --> 00:10:35,093 What? Just have the vampires run in there fast. 255 00:10:35,176 --> 00:10:36,803 Ugh, fine. Monty? 256 00:10:36,886 --> 00:10:38,263 You up for a quick smash-and-grab? 257 00:10:38,346 --> 00:10:39,639 Sorry, but we need to be invited in. 258 00:10:39,722 --> 00:10:41,099 Oh, my God. 259 00:10:42,767 --> 00:10:44,060 Who the hell is that?! 260 00:10:47,272 --> 00:10:49,524 Vive Napoleon! Au pénis! 261 00:10:49,607 --> 00:10:50,650 She yelled "to the penis." 262 00:10:50,733 --> 00:10:51,901 Thanks so much, Banks. 263 00:10:54,863 --> 00:10:56,406 Aaaahh! 264 00:10:59,075 --> 00:11:01,452 See? They don't have a problem breaking in! 265 00:11:01,536 --> 00:11:03,371 They're working together! What is this? 266 00:11:03,454 --> 00:11:04,998 Get off my property -- 267 00:11:05,081 --> 00:11:05,915 Aghh! 268 00:11:05,999 --> 00:11:07,667 Vive Napoleon! 269 00:11:07,750 --> 00:11:09,169 You three, go get the penis! 270 00:11:09,252 --> 00:11:10,503 Monty and I will hold them off! 271 00:11:10,587 --> 00:11:11,921 But, sir, she's a hemogoblin! 272 00:11:12,005 --> 00:11:13,214 I can hear you, dick! 273 00:11:13,298 --> 00:11:14,841 Just do it! 274 00:11:14,924 --> 00:11:16,968 Elsie, do you want to come inside? Let's go. 275 00:11:18,887 --> 00:11:20,096 There it is! 276 00:11:20,180 --> 00:11:21,848 Huh-huh! Vive Napoleon! 277 00:11:25,768 --> 00:11:27,228 Ha! 278 00:11:27,312 --> 00:11:28,938 Aah! 279 00:11:29,939 --> 00:11:31,065 Allez! 280 00:11:32,775 --> 00:11:34,360 Ha ha ha ha. Huh-huh-huh-huh. 281 00:11:37,030 --> 00:11:39,157 Elsie! Damn, girl. 282 00:11:39,866 --> 00:11:41,409 I got it! I got the penis! 283 00:11:41,492 --> 00:11:42,577 Correction -- 284 00:11:42,660 --> 00:11:44,204 J'ai le pénis. 285 00:11:47,290 --> 00:11:50,460 Mauvaise conception! Mauvaise conception! 286 00:11:52,962 --> 00:11:55,298 Pretty quick reflexes for a piece of shit. 287 00:12:00,303 --> 00:12:02,847 L'Amérique va plier le genou! 288 00:12:02,931 --> 00:12:04,474 I don't speak French, but I assume you're saying 289 00:12:04,557 --> 00:12:05,892 I have a small dick! 290 00:12:05,975 --> 00:12:07,393 Aah! 291 00:12:11,856 --> 00:12:13,608 We got it! We got the penis! 292 00:12:13,691 --> 00:12:15,735 It's over. The penis is ours. 293 00:12:15,818 --> 00:12:16,819 And so is the damn territory. 294 00:12:16,903 --> 00:12:18,321 Tie her up, O'Doyle. 295 00:12:18,404 --> 00:12:19,906 And, Monty, classy, as always. 296 00:12:19,989 --> 00:12:21,616 Really earned the payment this time. 297 00:12:21,699 --> 00:12:23,201 Indeed, we have. 298 00:12:24,369 --> 00:12:25,745 What's that hiss? 299 00:12:25,828 --> 00:12:27,956 That's the only language you Americans speak -- 300 00:12:28,039 --> 00:12:29,540 laser dots and money! 301 00:12:29,624 --> 00:12:31,125 The hell are you talking about? 302 00:12:31,209 --> 00:12:33,586 Jefferson promised us free reign in Louisiana 303 00:12:33,670 --> 00:12:35,880 if we helped him secure the territory. 304 00:12:35,964 --> 00:12:37,799 And then he Zuckerberg'd us! 305 00:12:37,882 --> 00:12:39,717 Split the land into states 306 00:12:39,801 --> 00:12:42,553 and squished Louisiana down into this goddamn boot! 307 00:12:42,637 --> 00:12:44,305 We can't even leave without being invited in 308 00:12:44,389 --> 00:12:46,766 to other states. 309 00:12:46,849 --> 00:12:50,270 Thankfully, Commandant Dulac made us a better deal. 310 00:12:50,353 --> 00:12:51,521 Un plaisir, Montgomery. 311 00:12:51,604 --> 00:12:53,273 Oh, this is great. 312 00:12:53,356 --> 00:12:55,149 They're also working with the French?! 313 00:12:55,233 --> 00:12:57,610 We help get this penis certified in court, 314 00:12:57,694 --> 00:12:59,279 and they'll give us free reign 315 00:12:59,362 --> 00:13:02,031 when Louisiana reverts back to full size. 316 00:13:02,115 --> 00:13:03,866 We'll eat the tourists like cattle 317 00:13:03,950 --> 00:13:06,494 and we can finally see Nebraska! 318 00:13:06,577 --> 00:13:08,204 Monty, I was counting on you! 319 00:13:08,288 --> 00:13:10,873 Desperate times make for great deals. 320 00:13:10,957 --> 00:13:11,874 Ugh. 321 00:13:11,958 --> 00:13:13,418 À la victoire! 322 00:13:13,501 --> 00:13:15,003 Ha ha! 323 00:13:16,421 --> 00:13:18,631 Dishonest moon-tanning sluts! 324 00:13:18,715 --> 00:13:20,675 That is the last time I text a vampire. 325 00:13:20,758 --> 00:13:21,801 You're right about that. 326 00:13:24,470 --> 00:13:27,724 Before you say anything, I had no idea about the double cross. 327 00:13:27,807 --> 00:13:29,559 Those guys don't tell me shit. 328 00:13:29,642 --> 00:13:32,270 Oh, good. The vampire who's not in the group chat. 329 00:13:32,353 --> 00:13:33,688 Lucky us. 330 00:13:34,397 --> 00:13:37,734 Alright. That should do it. 331 00:13:37,817 --> 00:13:39,068 I modified your collar with a short-range Innocence Detector. 332 00:13:39,152 --> 00:13:41,029 What's that? 333 00:13:41,112 --> 00:13:42,822 It's kinda right there in the name, but okay. 334 00:13:42,905 --> 00:13:44,782 If you try to attack an innocent being, 335 00:13:44,866 --> 00:13:47,493 the collar will auto-flush with this werewolf suppressant. 336 00:13:47,577 --> 00:13:50,538 And fun bonus -- It's chicken-and-rice-flavored. 337 00:13:50,621 --> 00:13:52,123 Hold on, I'm getting a call. 338 00:13:52,206 --> 00:13:54,083 It's probably my wife, Nina. Oh, scratch that. 339 00:13:54,167 --> 00:13:55,626 Second best. It's the president. 340 00:13:55,710 --> 00:13:57,462 Go for Chomps. 341 00:13:57,545 --> 00:14:00,006 The French got the penis and vampires betrayed us. 342 00:14:00,089 --> 00:14:01,841 Jefferson screwed us. What?! It's a whole thing. 343 00:14:01,924 --> 00:14:04,052 America needs you to be a werewolf for good. 344 00:14:04,135 --> 00:14:05,762 I will not let you down, sir. 345 00:14:05,845 --> 00:14:07,597 Great! Because we're pretty fucked. 346 00:14:08,806 --> 00:14:10,558 Banks, do you have a hairpin and three pennies? 347 00:14:13,728 --> 00:14:15,355 What the hell are you doing? 348 00:14:15,438 --> 00:14:17,231 His leprechaun stomach is like a furnace or something! 349 00:14:17,315 --> 00:14:19,233 It can digest metal and make cool shit. 350 00:14:21,778 --> 00:14:22,737 Mm... 351 00:14:22,820 --> 00:14:24,364 Brass alloy. 352 00:14:24,447 --> 00:14:26,366 So I can make wood-tipped bullets for your friends. 353 00:14:28,159 --> 00:14:29,994 Is he always this weird? Usually. 354 00:14:30,078 --> 00:14:31,829 You betrayed your own people. 355 00:14:31,913 --> 00:14:33,247 To save your ungrateful ass. 356 00:14:33,331 --> 00:14:34,749 Twice, by the way. 357 00:14:34,832 --> 00:14:36,417 Saved your ass twice, but who's counting? 358 00:14:36,501 --> 00:14:38,086 You, obviously. 359 00:14:38,169 --> 00:14:39,754 Listen, if they can throw away loyalties 360 00:14:39,837 --> 00:14:42,215 that easily, they aren't my people. 361 00:14:44,300 --> 00:14:46,636 I appreciate... 362 00:14:46,719 --> 00:14:48,096 saving... 363 00:14:48,179 --> 00:14:49,639 Just give me the blood. Please take it. 364 00:14:56,145 --> 00:14:57,772 Hey. Can I help you guys? 365 00:14:57,855 --> 00:14:59,565 Please, invite us in. 366 00:14:59,649 --> 00:15:01,442 Do you want to come in? 367 00:15:01,526 --> 00:15:02,944 It doesn't work like that. 368 00:15:03,027 --> 00:15:05,279 You need to invite us in so we can see the judge. 369 00:15:05,363 --> 00:15:07,740 You -- You want the judge to invite you in? 370 00:15:07,824 --> 00:15:09,158 I mean, sure. 371 00:15:09,242 --> 00:15:10,785 Why would he come out here? 372 00:15:10,868 --> 00:15:12,453 That's weird. You're the one who pitched it. 373 00:15:12,537 --> 00:15:15,123 Look, we just need the judge to slam down his gavel 374 00:15:15,206 --> 00:15:18,251 and declare this penis a citizen capable of owning land. 375 00:15:18,334 --> 00:15:21,379 Yep, the gavel slam can do that. 376 00:15:21,462 --> 00:15:23,214 Sorry. Did you want me to do something? 377 00:15:23,297 --> 00:15:24,882 I'm still confused. 378 00:15:26,426 --> 00:15:29,762 I think you'll find clarity on your neck. 379 00:15:29,846 --> 00:15:31,722 H-How am I supposed to look at my own neck? 380 00:15:31,806 --> 00:15:34,809 Huh. Hang on. No clarity yet. 381 00:15:34,892 --> 00:15:36,686 Alright, ya meat-muncher. 382 00:15:36,769 --> 00:15:37,687 You are good to go. 383 00:15:37,770 --> 00:15:39,188 Ooh, a scratching post! 384 00:15:39,272 --> 00:15:40,690 Oh, also, Dribble has this show 385 00:15:40,773 --> 00:15:42,400 that just streams raw meat. 386 00:15:42,483 --> 00:15:44,152 Go nuts, big boy. 387 00:15:54,495 --> 00:15:57,165 Oh, man. Why did you kill the guard? 388 00:15:57,248 --> 00:15:59,417 He brought me outside. I thought that's what you wanted. 389 00:16:01,252 --> 00:16:02,545 Oh, God, who is that? 390 00:16:02,628 --> 00:16:05,006 People with even less patience than us. 391 00:16:05,089 --> 00:16:06,757 Ha! Okay, okay. Geez. 392 00:16:06,841 --> 00:16:09,802 Just give me the subject in question! 393 00:16:09,886 --> 00:16:11,345 Uh, right. 394 00:16:11,429 --> 00:16:13,931 The court hereby declares this penis a citizen, 395 00:16:14,015 --> 00:16:15,683 fully capable of holding land. 396 00:16:15,766 --> 00:16:17,768 In accordance with outdoor judge rules, 397 00:16:17,852 --> 00:16:19,395 I simply need to bang down this gavel 398 00:16:19,479 --> 00:16:20,438 on the hood of a car. 399 00:16:20,521 --> 00:16:21,063 Aah! 400 00:16:21,147 --> 00:16:22,440 Gavel's down. 401 00:16:22,523 --> 00:16:24,734 Alright, everyone! Move, move, move! 402 00:16:24,817 --> 00:16:26,360 Aim for their hearts! 403 00:16:26,444 --> 00:16:28,029 God damn it. 404 00:16:28,112 --> 00:16:30,031 Protéger le pénis! 405 00:16:30,114 --> 00:16:31,532 Okay, definitely bringing these to the seminar. 406 00:16:31,616 --> 00:16:33,075 See? It's motivational. 407 00:16:36,787 --> 00:16:38,372 Ha! Ha ha! 408 00:16:39,957 --> 00:16:41,042 Uhh! 409 00:16:43,836 --> 00:16:46,130 Ah-aah-aah! Aah-aah! 410 00:16:47,507 --> 00:16:48,674 Ha! 411 00:16:48,758 --> 00:16:50,301 Well, well, well. 412 00:16:50,384 --> 00:16:52,470 Fuck off, Tony. You think I'm scared? 413 00:16:52,553 --> 00:16:54,222 You can't turn me and you can't bite me. 414 00:16:54,305 --> 00:16:57,141 Oh, but I can do a little stakey-stakey. 415 00:16:58,976 --> 00:17:01,020 Perks of being on my good side. 416 00:17:01,103 --> 00:17:04,232 Oh, man! Someone cut them all up into pieces. 417 00:17:04,315 --> 00:17:06,358 And you know their fingers touched it. 418 00:17:06,442 --> 00:17:08,819 Michael in Accounting! Whatchu watchin', bro-ham? 419 00:17:08,903 --> 00:17:10,613 I'll tell you what I'm not watching -- 420 00:17:10,695 --> 00:17:12,031 ads! 421 00:17:12,114 --> 00:17:13,782 Ever since I upgraded to Dribble Pro. 422 00:17:13,866 --> 00:17:15,826 No ads, no problems. 423 00:17:15,910 --> 00:17:17,118 Ruh-oh. 424 00:17:17,203 --> 00:17:19,121 Uh, why'd you just say "ruh-oh"? 425 00:17:19,204 --> 00:17:21,123 Because I put on a show with raw meat for a werewolf 426 00:17:21,207 --> 00:17:22,500 and it might play ads. 427 00:17:22,583 --> 00:17:23,626 Ruh-oh. 428 00:17:26,671 --> 00:17:28,881 Is your puppy cold in the snow? 429 00:17:28,965 --> 00:17:30,633 Try Puppy Pals' Paw Booties. 430 00:17:30,716 --> 00:17:33,261 Because innocent paws deserve to be pampered. 431 00:17:35,638 --> 00:17:37,139 Oh, oh, oh! Oh, gee. 432 00:17:37,223 --> 00:17:39,350 Oh, oh, man! Whoa! 433 00:17:39,433 --> 00:17:42,311 Frappez votre marteau de juge sur le capot de la voiture. 434 00:17:42,395 --> 00:17:44,564 Idiot! He can't slam his gavel on that. Huh? 435 00:17:44,647 --> 00:17:46,148 It needs to be on a car. 436 00:17:46,232 --> 00:17:48,025 Outdoor judge rules. 437 00:17:48,109 --> 00:17:50,403 Espèce d'enfoiré, tu l'as cassé! 438 00:17:51,404 --> 00:17:52,488 What are you gonna do, Monty? Huh? 439 00:17:52,572 --> 00:17:53,739 Turn me into a vampire? 440 00:17:53,823 --> 00:17:55,199 Yeah, you wish. 441 00:17:55,283 --> 00:17:57,827 You'd be the lamest, tackiest vampire... 442 00:17:57,910 --> 00:17:59,328 sparkling in the sun-level shit. 443 00:17:59,412 --> 00:18:00,621 I'd be cringing. 444 00:18:00,705 --> 00:18:01,956 Oh, but these guys are cool? 445 00:18:02,039 --> 00:18:03,374 If this is the crew 446 00:18:03,457 --> 00:18:05,459 you chose to turn, yikes. 447 00:18:05,543 --> 00:18:08,045 You couldn't pull off the frilly shirts and you know it! 448 00:18:08,129 --> 00:18:10,965 You have no idea what I could pull off. 449 00:18:11,048 --> 00:18:12,216 Why are you smiling? 450 00:18:12,300 --> 00:18:13,968 Release the wolf. 451 00:18:16,846 --> 00:18:18,306 Jesus Christ. 452 00:18:18,389 --> 00:18:19,599 Was that supposed to be a demonstration 453 00:18:19,682 --> 00:18:20,516 of how ruthless you are? 454 00:18:20,600 --> 00:18:22,184 Yes. Did it work? 455 00:18:23,603 --> 00:18:25,146 See? This is exactly why you'd suck 456 00:18:25,229 --> 00:18:26,314 at being a vampire. 457 00:18:26,397 --> 00:18:28,024 Of all the presidents I've seen, 458 00:18:28,107 --> 00:18:29,817 you have to be the worst! 459 00:18:29,900 --> 00:18:31,402 Coming from your lying, cheating, Anne Rice-looking ass, 460 00:18:31,485 --> 00:18:32,820 I take that as a compliment. 461 00:18:32,903 --> 00:18:35,364 I'd rather eat turds than be like you. 462 00:18:35,448 --> 00:18:37,325 I'll show you turds! 463 00:18:41,245 --> 00:18:42,663 Put a cross into a crossbow. 464 00:18:42,747 --> 00:18:44,540 Thankfully there was a church right here. 465 00:18:44,624 --> 00:18:47,084 I'm surprised you didn't use that element more in the fight. 466 00:18:47,168 --> 00:18:49,378 Chomps, holy shit! You survived! 467 00:18:49,462 --> 00:18:51,172 Well, I did actually die, but I focused 468 00:18:51,255 --> 00:18:53,549 my werewolf regeneration into my arm bones. 469 00:18:58,888 --> 00:19:00,556 If you two are ever in New Orleans again, 470 00:19:00,640 --> 00:19:01,641 drop me a line. 471 00:19:01,724 --> 00:19:03,476 I'll be alive... kinda forever. 472 00:19:03,559 --> 00:19:06,020 And, uh, if you ever want to see D.C... 473 00:19:06,103 --> 00:19:07,521 you're invited in. 474 00:19:07,605 --> 00:19:08,939 To every part that isn't the White House. 475 00:19:09,023 --> 00:19:10,816 Or my townhouse. Or Banks' apartment. 476 00:19:10,900 --> 00:19:12,360 Actually, maybe just call first. 477 00:19:12,443 --> 00:19:14,654 See you when I see you. 478 00:19:14,737 --> 00:19:16,405 Non. 479 00:19:17,573 --> 00:19:20,368 Non. Napoleon. 480 00:19:20,451 --> 00:19:22,662 Hey. I, uh -- I think that's how 481 00:19:22,745 --> 00:19:24,330 he would've wanted to go out... 482 00:19:24,413 --> 00:19:25,998 torn and trampled on the battlefield. 483 00:19:26,082 --> 00:19:27,708 Also, all of you are under arrest 484 00:19:27,792 --> 00:19:29,543 and banned from this country forever. 485 00:19:30,920 --> 00:19:34,173 Julia, get me the files on that new Marseille real estate deal. 486 00:19:35,383 --> 00:19:36,717 This is Marc Luc de Burgeron. 487 00:19:36,801 --> 00:19:38,636 Hey. It's President Curtis. 488 00:19:38,719 --> 00:19:41,305 Just wanted to let you know, your interest in American land 489 00:19:41,389 --> 00:19:43,766 has been noted and rejected. 490 00:19:43,849 --> 00:19:46,727 But there is still a piece of American land France can have. 491 00:19:46,811 --> 00:19:48,104 Yeah? Yeah. 492 00:19:48,187 --> 00:19:49,772 My ass. You can eat it. 493 00:19:49,855 --> 00:19:52,441 As long as my people are cooking, 494 00:19:52,525 --> 00:19:54,527 your ass will be a culinary treat. 495 00:19:54,610 --> 00:19:56,570 Yeah, right. My ass is 10 times tougher 496 00:19:56,654 --> 00:19:57,988 than anything you've ever eaten. 497 00:19:58,072 --> 00:20:00,449 Well, I intend to soak it in butter. 498 00:20:00,533 --> 00:20:01,992 That'll just make it slippery. 499 00:20:02,076 --> 00:20:03,661 And you can't slip your way out of a mouth full of me. 500 00:20:03,744 --> 00:20:04,995 Ooh-kay, sir! 501 00:20:05,079 --> 00:20:06,372 Selling past the close! 502 00:20:06,455 --> 00:20:08,374 There he is! The man of the hour. 503 00:20:08,457 --> 00:20:09,959 How you feeling, Chomps? 504 00:20:10,042 --> 00:20:12,712 Well, I mean, I died, so I'm in that club now. 505 00:20:12,795 --> 00:20:14,588 It's an adjustment for all of us, Chomps. 506 00:20:14,672 --> 00:20:16,590 - Post-battle hot wing, anyone? - You sure? 507 00:20:16,674 --> 00:20:18,050 I thought we couldn't handle them. 508 00:20:18,134 --> 00:20:20,136 Well, sir, today I learned it's wrong 509 00:20:20,219 --> 00:20:21,679 to make assumptions about people. 510 00:20:21,762 --> 00:20:23,723 So I made enough wings for everyone. 511 00:20:23,806 --> 00:20:24,682 Yes! Hell yeah! 512 00:20:24,765 --> 00:20:25,808 Alrighty. 513 00:20:27,435 --> 00:20:29,019 Oh, my God. These are terrible. 514 00:20:29,103 --> 00:20:31,063 Yeah, maybe stop trying to make the wings a symbol 515 00:20:31,147 --> 00:20:33,274 of how far you've come and just add less cayenne. 516 00:20:34,650 --> 00:20:36,277 I have a heavy pour. 517 00:20:38,070 --> 00:20:39,739 There goes my GERD. 518 00:20:41,031 --> 00:20:43,409 Oh, we have fun! 519 00:20:44,368 --> 00:20:49,248 ♪ How much for Louisiana? ♪ 520 00:20:49,331 --> 00:20:51,751 ♪ Just name your price ♪ 521 00:20:51,834 --> 00:20:55,796 ♪ Vampires tryin' to be invited ♪ 522 00:20:55,880 --> 00:21:00,426 ♪ Stole a penis from a jar ♪ 523 00:21:00,509 --> 00:21:02,553 ♪ Voulez Voo Doo ♪ 524 00:21:02,636 --> 00:21:07,850 ♪ Je m'appelle soapy balls ♪