Oh, shit. Medallion's on us!
Good call, Mr. President!
Watch out! They're in the bushes. Thanks, bro.
I got it. I would have gotten it faster.
Why can't I just play?
Because this is work.
Playing "Battleswag" with the American people
is basically my fireside chat.
Peterson, I see you're in Madison, Wisconsin.
Spill the cheese.
Well, sir, I had a job interview today
and I think I bombed it.
What field are you in? Accounting, sir.
Send your résumé to the VA.
I'll have my Chief of Staff flag it.
Consider that shit flagged.
Wow! Thank you, sir!
President Curtis!
Ah! Mikayla in Jacksonville, Florida!
College student at UNF. She's a regular.
Mikayla, how'd that calculus exam go?
I'll tell you after you open your fucking eyes!
They're baiting you!
Ooh, must have blown a fuse.
Aw, damn it. I had AI chatbots writing "Pulp Fiction,"
but with the Muppets.
Okay, more than a fuse.
Power's out across four states.
Eh, probably just a blip. Back to work!
Sir, the Department of Defense called to say
that power outage wasn't just a blip.
They're probably -- Divorced scientist Dr. Keel
requested an emergency meeting.
Ugh, the chart guy?
He's always pitching me boring shit to fix nothing-burgers.
Tell him I'm working with the American people.
Hey, nice shot! You need some ammo?
Hell yeah. That'd be great.
Oh, man. You know what else would be great?
Being at the meeting to discuss America's energy crisis.
Dr. Keel?
All right, fine. I'm coming up.
But first... everyone kill this narc!
Ah! What buttons do I press?!
Aah!
Ooh, Battleswag!
He turned into a chest of emeralds.
- All right! - Yay!
Four more years!
Thank you for coming, Mr. President.
Oh, eat my ass, Dr. Keel. I blocked you on "Battleswag."
Well, here's something that you can't block --
America's power grid is overworked
and in danger of indefinite collapse.
Sloppy transition as always,
but how do we fix it?
Not to be vulgar, sir, but we need to tighten our shit up.
Energy caps, taxation based on --
What?! No!
Restricting power is un-American
and a straight-up Bummerville.
There has to be another way to get tons of power
without bogging down the people.
Captain Marks, you don't have to raise your hand.
Sir, what you're describing is in Hollow Earth.
The natives call it the Life Tree --
a source of truly infinite power.
We could go down there with a giant plug
and take their energy, but, I mean...
no one here wants to do an "Avatar."
- Oof. - No, thank you.
Well, obviously not.
I said the same thing to Clinton
when we went down there the first time.
Although back then, we called it a "Dances with Wolves."
I thought you were gonna say "Pocahontas."
- "Fern Gully." - What's "Fern Gully"?
"Avatar," but good. Nerds! Focus!
Janice, you've been to Hollow Earth?
Haa Nah. That's how the Daaboo say "yes."
And also "nipple butter."
Oh, but they hate us now.
We tried to exploit them.
It didn't go well.
It's been hard to make them understand
we're not the same people we were.
Well, they haven't met Andre Curtis.
Curtis is a man of the people.
He reaches out and takes big swings.
And we should, too.
If anyone can strike a fair energy deal,
it's this administration.
Fantastic point.
Guys, we don't need to go to Hollow Earth
or take big swings. We just need to restrict usage.
Well, that settles it.
We're going to Hollow Earth.
And, Janice, you're coming with.
- Whoo, out of office, baby! - Great.
So you're not listening to me and I'm not invited.
You know, "Avatar" saved 3-D!
There she is, the Hollow Earth Elevator.
Ah! You know it used to be just a bungee cord platform?
I am pumped for this, sir.
Getting a chance to help Americans and make new allies?
You're gonna crush this. We're gonna crush this.
I want you to be my right hand, Banks.
Make sure America keeps this aboveboard.
Fucking dream team. Mm.
And, O'Doyle. You protect Janice.
Sir? She's essential, O'Doyle.
You think Luke would leave C-3PO to rot on a critical mission?
Actually don't answer that.
Janice is the only one
who knows the natives' language and culture.
I need my best man protecting her.
Your best man respectfully passes.
No. He doesn't. Fine.
I will remove my personal oath of protection from you.
Place your head upon my chakra.
Athrym Mo Me Hoyem.
Just say you love each other, guys.
This is purely transactional!
Boop éy. Boop éy.
It is done. All right, people!
We're gonna do it cool and aboveboard.
Let's roll!
Wow, kinda thought the inside would be bigger.
Does, uh, anyone happen to have my brand of deodorant?
Isn't this grand, Francis? You and me in Hollow Earth?
We can really get to know each other.
Ma'am, it's a security detail.
These are my 18 grandkids, starting with the uggos.
Kill me.
Wow.
Are you guys seeing this place?
It's dripping with energy!
Oh, Janice, you were right. It's so beautiful --
Oh, fuck! A leggy worm!
Ma'am! Get behind me! Don't shoot!
That's a leg-gee-gee! It's sacred!
Holy shit, Janice!
See? This is why you always bring a protocol droid.
Goodoo me doo-woooo. Goodoo!
Janice, tell them we apologize
for our past administration's mistakes,
and we've come to make a fair deal.
Boo-gaa.
Phoo troo yoo ma-roo?
Ee-Yoo. Ee-Yoo.
Although I'm wary of all Crusties,
it is cool that you cared enough to bring a Kaka-Mundo.
One who speaks like the Daaboo.
You know English?
Your Clin-ton left an Us Weekly down here.
We used it to teach ourselves.
Tell us, is Backstreet still back?
Janice? Janice! My love!
Toomoo! Oh, Toomoo!
Mwah! Mwah! Mwah! Mwah!
Mwah! Mwah! Mwah!
I must say, you have super big balls coming down here again.
But your Kaka-Mundo has softened our hearts, so...
I'm listening. Thank you, Koochoo.
As a peace offering, we've brought gifts from above --
Crocs and Kirkland's version of Flamin' Hot Cheetos.
It is customary for a gift giver to drink their own piss
before anyone accepts a gift.
You have to drink Hmm? your own piss first.
Yeah, yeah, no, I heard.
But is there -- Uh, can I get a reason?
To show that you are pure of heart and body.
Hey, we take big swings, right?
Right. Um, yes.
Okay, I'm just gonna go over here.
Koochoo, I'm not gonna play around.
In exchange for your energy, I'd like to offer you statehood.
A chance to join our great nation. Pass.
How about ecological protection?
Or statehood?
Hey, get your own star, maybe a football team?
Please. Okay. Uh-huh.
Mmmm, nope. Mnh-mnh. No.
Oh, what's happening?
Hu-- Here we go.
Ah! I did it! America did it!
Thank you. And as for our deal,
we just want 50,000 Toyota RAV4s.
Huh? Us Weekly said it's not a toy,
but that doesn't mean it won't make you feel like a kid again.
Uh, Banks...
can you put in an order for 50,000 RAV4s?
The all-new 1996 model. Done.
What do you say?
Vroom-vroom!
This is a momentous day.
Today, we solved America's power crisis
by adding the energy of friends.
- Aww! - Aww!
Flying in the plug!
Okay, so how do we patch in?
Should we just start stripping the wiring or...
I dunno. You should probably ask the people
who supply the tree's power.
I thought the tree is the power.
Oh, it totally was, but then we used it all.
Now we get our power from the Moss People below us.
You're telling me after we did this whole thing
and drank piss we have to talk to someone else?!
Well, they certainly won't talk to us.
We've exploited them a lot.
Also, our RAV4 vroom-vroom deal still stands
because you'll need to run power through our world.
God damn it! Just take us to the power source!
Toomoo! As elder, you are in charge in my absence.
Very well. I will pause from the best lovemaking
of my entire life to lead our village.
- Aww! - Sir? For the love of God.
My job can't be to hang out
and hear a grandma have gross old-people sex.
She's their Kaka-Mundo.
Your job is whatever it needs to be to keep her safe.
Mm! Tiny kisses -- my favorite.
See you tonight?
You bet your noodly biscuits.
- Bye, my love! - Bye, cutie!
Ugh, gross! Come on!
Sorry. Shirt got caught on my bomb.
Wait. What?
Yeah, when I was younger,
I signed up to be the last line of defense in case
a hostile force ever took control of the Oval Office.
Holy shit.
Well, I had a womb. I figured, "Why not weaponize it?"
They called me the first "Kamikaze Secretary."
Okay, that's bad-ass. Heh. You wanna see bad-ass?
I'll show you how to use your tongue
to control a 60-foot worm.
And not in a gross way.
Whoa!
See? Our tree's plugged into the Life Rock,
like I said. Shulu shulu! Shu-boo!
Shulu shulu! No, no, no, no, no.
Shu-gadoo gulu.
They're just yelling obscenities at us.
Mostly mom stuff. Bugadu. Dudu ma!
No! Don't yell back! That's insane!
Tell them we've come to negotiate
- in good faith. - Shu-boo shulu.
For your piss.
Wait, me again? Why me?
Finally, some leaders who aren't dishonest green douchebags.
- You're a cool guy. - It's kinda my thing.
Yeah, well, he made a deal with us first.
We're getting 50,000 RAV4s.
Then we want 50,000 RAV5s.
Uh, they didn't make RAV5s.
Okay, hardball. 60,000 RAV4s.
Before I agree to anything,
I want proof this is the main source of power.
Uh...we're plugged into the level below us,
but you can't run power through here without cutting us in.
What the fuck, guys?!
Nice clicking, Francis.
Next time, use a little more throat.
Yes, ma'am. You know what'll help?
Daaboo ice cream.
They serve it so hot, it'll put calluses on your larynx.
Now go find us a rock to sit on. Back in a jiff!
Okay, rock.
Looking for a rock.
All the rocks are on the ceiling.
That son of a...
Hey, buddy. What are you doing?
I'm just having sex with two women.
What's your problem?
Don't you think that's, you know, a little much?
What if Janice saw?
Look, I don't know how it is on the crust,
but down here, we got a saying --
The more leaves on the plant,
the more you should rub your dick on it.
Listen to me, you slut.
I care about Janice, so if you hurt her,
I will beat your green witch face so hard,
you won't be able to see a woman,
let alone touch her!
But they could still touch me, right?
They won't want to.
Oh, my God, you suck so bad!
- You exploited us! - It's your fault!
- Get your mushroom off of me! - And now you suck even more.
Guys! Fuck!
It's hot and I'm tired and America is out
hundreds of thousands of '90s-style RAV4s
that we don't even have!
Wait, are we the only ones who asked for Oakley sunglasses?
I want to renegotiate!
No! No more deals!
America is done being played for a fool! Aah!
What?
What the hell is this?
The source of all our power.
It's like an infinite wireless battery or something.
It's a spaceship, you dunce.
Looks like it crashed into the Earth's crust centuries ago.
Wait, there's something inside.
Did any of you even bother to open this?
Why would we open a battery?
Oh, my Goooood!
Look at these things! Mwah! They're adorable!
Sir, the power isn't coming from the ship.
It's coming from the Gobobears.
By the way, I also just named them that.
Perfect name. Aww! And look!
They reproduce via mitosis.
Wow, and they do it fast.
I'm not really seeing the big deal here.
Open your eyes, mushroom lady! Mwah!
They would have given you all infinite, sustainable power!
Mwah! None of this was necessary! Mwah.
You idiots didn't need to plug in or exploit at all!
Please, you don't have to yell. Oh, my gosh.
Sir, calculating based on the speed of reproduction,
all we need is two of these to fix America's grid. Mwah. Mwah.
We'll leave the rest to be free-range.
Not that they deserve them!
Fine! Let's get the hell out of here.
- We do deserve them! - But my RAV4!
Eat my ass. And lose America's number.
Not cool!
O-Ow. Ow! Shit!
You weren't kidding. Oh!
How are you eating this?
Oh, I don't listen to my body when it whines.
You're my hero.
Come on, guys! We're leaving!
Now? But Toomoo.
Oh, shit. O'Doyle, grab the Gobobears!
Mwah. Wow, their eyes are huge. Mm!
Oh, there's my man!
Toomoo, honey! We're leaving!
Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.
Oh...
Janice! Come on!
The Gobobears aren't getting any cuter.
Oh, how dare you!
My fellow Americans...
the nerds wanted to put restraints
on American electricity,
but I figured out how to give you
even more unlimited energy forever!
- Aww! - Aww!
This is Two-Toes.
One of several miraculous creatures
we freed from the deep dangers of Hollow Earth.
And thanks to some rad-ass energy-absorbing tech.
we've not only stabilized the grid --
We've done it adorably.
- Mr. President! - Mr. President!
Sir, American deserves Frank. to know --
How are you so fucking cool?
When you got it, you got it.
Wait. What the hell is that?
Attention.
We have detected that your mystical native race lives
on top of a rare substance known as Cantgetium.
What? We're not mystical or native!
We're notorious for colonizing!
Prepare for harvesting.
Oh, man. Us Weekly's gonna have a field day with this!
Oh, shit! These motherfuckers are crazy!
Crinkle Ear! Nooo!
You goddamn monsters!
Ha ha ha! Holy shit.
It's not just on the surface.
There's even more Cantgetium below us.
Guys, you think this is too much?
Like, isn't this predictably awful?
That's why we're called "Arch-ians," Mr. Scientist.
We've evolved by abandoning all nuance.
Now...put a drill in the ground
and suck this planet dry.
Oh, my God! They're drilling for more bears?
I should have never pushed you to go down there.
I was drinking the Kool-Aid too hard on our administration.
Mwah. This one's on me. Mwah.
I should have listened to the nerds
and done the boring, responsible thing!
I just wanted to be America's cool dad.
Seriously? Not even a dent?
Sir! None of our weapons can bring them down!
And we've spent millions of tax dollars trying!
We need to get these Gobobears outta here.
Take care of Two-Toes for me! All of them! Mwah.
Banks! What are you doing? Mwah.
Finding a way to bring them down.
I didn't drink all that piss for nothing.
Rahhhhh!
Right. Best to just let her cook.
Let's roll!
Mwah. Mwah. Mwah.
What the hell?!
- Oh! - Oh, no! No, no, no, no, no, no!
Oh, my God! Stay strong, Daaboo!
Like Kevin in the all-new motion picture, "Home Alone."
Good work, soldiers.
Get those Gobobears some blankets and kisses.
It's bad, sir. We estimate their drill
will reach the Gobobear layer in a couple of hours.
Banks, did you hack in?
It's an alien code base.
I-I don't understand it!
Can't you just think like them or something?
Upload an alien brain?
Maybe if I reduce skepticism and boost my adaptability,
I can remove all barriers
towards understanding their culture.
My mind would be open to literally everything.
But that sounds dangerous.
Wow, whoa, whoo. Shit. Banks?
Damn, mm-hmm, wow, whoa. Shit.
Ooh. Cool. Wow. Whoa.
Well, this could go a few ways.
Sir. Koochoo called to say the Hollow Earthers are using
our elevator to come up and fight the giant drill machine.
I say we ghost them.
Just pretend we never heard them,
make full eye contact,
turn around, and let them die alone.
I'll take that into consideration, Janice.
Oh. Oh.
Oh, God. You're crying because I was so good at it.
No, you still sound awful.
Oh, I'm sad because Toomoo ghosted me.
Oh, don't be. I protected you from that piece of shit.
What? I caught him cheating on you,
so I threatened to break his face.
Don't worry -- I got you. What is wrong with you?!
I haven't seen him in years. I don't care if he's exclusive.
It was just nice to know he still loved me.
Uh, a-are you upset with me?
Francis, I don't know if your brain is broken
or you're just a bro, but your toxic, transactional way
of showing emotions has got to stop.
You are done protecting me!
So...you forgive me?
No, you weird, selfish dick!
Uh! Koochoo.
Never thought I'd see your sorry ass on the surface.
We gonna do this, or what, Crustie?
Listen up! This isn't just about energy anymore.
It's about our homes! Our livelihoods!
Protecting our Gobobears!
Together, we can take down this harvester!
With my nickel!
- And my moss! - And my shroom!
Yeah! Okay, sure. Go get 'em, guys!
Hollow Earth!
- We got this! - Charge!
Whoa!
Whoa, whoa, whoa. No, no, no, no. Stop!
I was only playing along for camaraderie.
Oh, shit. Oh, shit!
Oh, that's hard to watch.
For Janice!
You aren't allowed to die!
You again?
You need to make love to my co-worker. You hear me?!
What is wrong with you?
I'm not good at this.
Our drill is closing in on that Cantgetium, General.
Ha ha ha! Nothing can get in our way now.
What?
Huh?
Who are you?
Why did you just slide a gun towards me?
Hak nagala. What?
No one but us understands our language.
I've opened my mind to your culture.
Absorbed it all. Ah.
But you still want to know why we do it.
As a boy, my species ravaged our own planet for energy.
And when that wasn't enough, we drained our sun and --
Agh!
You!
You murdered me while monologuing!
That's the most Archian thing ever.
I...think...I-I love you.
Mr. Pilot.
Well, now it's weird if I say "I love you," too.
But I was thinking it.
Banks. Oh, thank God.
These Hollow Earthers are terrible allies.
Good news and bad news, sir.
I went full Archian, but it did help me find a vulnerability.
There's a small thermal vent that leads to their engine core.
We blow that up, it'll take down the whole fleet.
Hell yeah!
Get your ass out here so we can Death Star this thing!
Guys! We're gonna use actual missiles
to hit an actual weak spot.
Get the hell out of the way!
Okay.
Missiles aren't gonna cut it, sir.
We need to suck their defenses dry.
Sorry. Fuck. Give me a sec.
Ohhhh. Oh!
Here comes the shame. Uhhhh...
- I got you. - Uch, stop handing me piss.
My arc wasn't learning to love piss.
Sorry. Where was I? Missiles aren't gonna cut it.
We need a nuke to blow out their engine core.
We're 30 miles from D.C.!
That would cause fallout for decades.
Well, what the hell are we gonna shoot in there?
Me.
Two-Toes? You can talk?
As you have been kissing and petting me,
I have learned your language.
Where I come from, there is nothing but energy.
We left in search of the rarest element in the universe.
Pearls? Love.
- Obviously. - "The Fifth Element."
We spent a lifetime searching.
But it only took a day with you to finally understand it.
If you let my people return home with this knowledge,
I will take out the harvester.
Clean energy, no radiation.
You have my word, Two-Toes.
Load me in.
Toomoo?
My favorite of all my loves!
Janice, look, I'm good at stopping bullets,
and a penis is a bullet,
so I stopped this.
I-I still don't know how to do this right,
but here.
Thank you, Francis.
Wait till I'm out of the room!
Your people came in search of love.
And in doing so,
they helped us to find the power within ourselves.
Not that we can monetize that
or use it to play Xbox, but, still.
You can all go home now.
- Bye! - Goddamn adorable.
Aww. Their tails must get so dirty.
Aww.
Wait, that was our entire energy supply!
Well, you certainly fucked us, Mr. President.
Not only did you not get us power --
We had to build an extra power plant in Hollow Earth
because you crippled their energy source.
Not to mention all the 1990s-style RAV4s
we had to put into production as some kind of apology.
Am I taking crazy pills?
Just show me in the simplest terms.
What is America's biggest energy suck?
Shit.
Which is why, as of 1:00 p.m. today,
we are implementing an AI porn tax.
AI porn takes up about 95% of our energy as a nation.
Every citizen will be limited to two keywords per day...
every company, two letters.
But if the Gobobears taught us anything,
it's that we can get through this
with the power of love.
Mr. President, you really think
it's cool to tax our penis?
No, Frank, none of this is "cool." Stuckey.
Sir, people online are already calling you the "CumTaxer."
Do you think that will be your new "Battleswag" gamer tag?
Banks, see if we can get "CumTaxer" as my gamer tag.
Way ahead of you, sir.
Already secured "CumTaxer" "CumTaxer69,"
"CommanderNCumTax."
Cool.
♪ AI's not as big a danger ♪
♪ As AI porn ♪
♪ Everyone will make their own porn ♪
♪ Think of it like brewing beer ♪
♪ But if you brewed 8 million beers ♪
♪ You'd stop ♪
Oh, God damn it.