1
00:00:12,840 --> 00:00:15,000
I had no idea what I was getting
myself into.

2
00:00:16,080 --> 00:00:19,680
I guess I was attracted to
the simplicity of it.

3
00:00:19,720 --> 00:00:23,240
You know the communal living,
everyone under one roof...

4
00:00:24,600 --> 00:00:27,720
...the shared mealtimes
the constant presence of

5
00:00:27,760 --> 00:00:29,960
the team members in their
special clothes.

6
00:00:31,760 --> 00:00:35,560
They had this hierarchy
of star symbols.

7
00:00:35,600 --> 00:00:39,000
And the compound I was put in,
it had four stars.

8
00:00:39,040 --> 00:00:41,560
And that meant you couldn't get hot
food at night?

9
00:00:41,600 --> 00:00:44,600
Yeah. I
mean, we could get food at night...

10
00:00:46,720 --> 00:00:48,000
...but only sandwiches.

11
00:00:49,520 --> 00:00:52,520
They would come into your room
when you were out.

12
00:00:52,560 --> 00:00:56,720
And you could tell,
you know, that they'd been there.

13
00:00:56,760 --> 00:00:58,120
How could you tell?

14
00:00:58,160 --> 00:00:59,840
They'd tidy up.

15
00:00:59,880 --> 00:01:02,720
They'd make your bed
and tuck the sheets in really tight,

16
00:01:02,760 --> 00:01:04,080
like abnormally tight.

17
00:01:04,120 --> 00:01:07,960
Like, no human couldn't get into
that bed.

18
00:01:08,000 --> 00:01:09,360
If they came in at night,

19
00:01:09,400 --> 00:01:11,440
they would leave a chocolate on
the pillow.

20
00:01:11,480 --> 00:01:12,600
Why?

21
00:01:12,640 --> 00:01:14,320
Some kind of warning.

22
00:01:15,440 --> 00:01:17,840
We can come and go as we please.

23
00:01:17,880 --> 00:01:19,680
Today it's a chocolate,

24
00:01:19,720 --> 00:01:22,880
tomorrow it could be a turd
or a horse's head.

25
00:01:25,600 --> 00:01:28,120
Although, in fairness,
it was always a chocolate.

26
00:01:29,680 --> 00:01:32,280
They also communicate
through towels.

27
00:01:32,320 --> 00:01:35,400
You'd leave a towel on the floor or
on the side of the bath,

28
00:01:35,440 --> 00:01:39,480
and they'd take it from you
and replace it with a different

29
00:01:39,520 --> 00:01:41,040
but identical towel

30
00:01:41,080 --> 00:01:44,000
and leave it on the radiator near
the sign saying that they were

31
00:01:44,040 --> 00:01:49,080
trying to "save the planet"
via towels.

32
00:01:49,120 --> 00:01:50,840
Which planet?

33
00:01:50,880 --> 00:01:52,320
They didn't say.

34
00:01:52,360 --> 00:01:54,240
It was the keys that broke me.

35
00:01:54,280 --> 00:01:56,640
They would give you a key,

36
00:01:56,680 --> 00:02:00,360
you know for your numbered room,
but it was heavy.

37
00:02:00,400 --> 00:02:02,520
Like some kind of anvil.

38
00:02:02,560 --> 00:02:06,240
And then if you wanted to go out,
they would say "Leave your key.

39
00:02:06,280 --> 00:02:08,480
"Leave your key with us."

40
00:02:08,520 --> 00:02:12,600
And I didn't want to leave my key,
I didn't want to,

41
00:02:12,640 --> 00:02:14,840
but it was so heavy.

42
00:02:14,880 --> 00:02:17,880
It was so heavy, you see?

43
00:02:19,400 --> 00:02:21,080
So, I would leave my key.

44
00:02:23,920 --> 00:02:26,840
And then they started to ask
for money. Money?

45
00:02:26,880 --> 00:02:30,920
Suddenly wanted hundreds
and hundreds of pounds.

46
00:02:30,960 --> 00:02:32,520
I'm so sorry.

47
00:02:32,560 --> 00:02:35,360
They'd been keeping
a record of everything I'd eaten

48
00:02:35,400 --> 00:02:38,560
and then they'd say it cost like
five times

49
00:02:38,600 --> 00:02:40,680
what it would cost to buy in a shop.

50
00:02:40,720 --> 00:02:43,120
In the end I just paid what
they wanted.

51
00:02:43,160 --> 00:02:44,760
Every penny, it was the only way.

52
00:02:44,800 --> 00:02:46,920
I paid and then I just ran.

53
00:02:46,960 --> 00:02:48,640
I left everything.

54
00:02:48,680 --> 00:02:52,080
And was that your last contact
with them?

55
00:02:52,120 --> 00:02:58,040
No. They emailed me, the next day,
asking if I wanted my stuff.

56
00:02:58,080 --> 00:03:02,400
Like they were taunting me,
it was so horrible.

57
00:03:02,440 --> 00:03:04,040
I told them to just burn it.

58
00:03:07,040 --> 00:03:09,240
I'm a bit worried about that
hotel sketch because.

59
00:03:09,280 --> 00:03:11,040
Oh, it's a hotel.

60
00:03:11,080 --> 00:03:12,320
Well, yes.

61
00:03:12,360 --> 00:03:14,280
Sorry, I thought it was a cult.

62
00:03:14,320 --> 00:03:16,960
I think how it works is they talk
about it like it was

63
00:03:17,000 --> 00:03:18,800
a cult but it's actually a hotel.

64
00:03:18,840 --> 00:03:20,800
Hence comedy.

65
00:03:20,840 --> 00:03:22,760
But what I'm worried about is that
people in

66
00:03:22,800 --> 00:03:26,200
the hospitality sector have had
a really rough time actually

67
00:03:26,240 --> 00:03:28,200
and I'm just worried that they're
going to see that sketch

68
00:03:28,240 --> 00:03:32,040
and go, "Oh, their laughing at us."
It's just very negative.

69
00:03:32,080 --> 00:03:35,800
It is very negative, but my worry
isn't that we're laughing at

70
00:03:35,840 --> 00:03:37,680
the hospitality sector.

71
00:03:37,720 --> 00:03:40,720
It's worse, we're laughing at people
that get into cults,

72
00:03:40,760 --> 00:03:43,520
you know,
nitwits and wallies and clots.

73
00:03:43,560 --> 00:03:46,880
Don't say clots, it's very
offensive to stroke survivors.

74
00:03:46,920 --> 00:03:49,480
Of course,
and people who died of strokes.

75
00:03:49,520 --> 00:03:51,240
But they don't tend to write in.

76
00:03:51,280 --> 00:03:54,000
Yeah, I mean, like their ghosts,
or their families.

77
00:03:54,040 --> 00:03:55,120
I meant their families.

78
00:03:55,160 --> 00:03:56,680
Look we can't be punching down to,

79
00:03:56,720 --> 00:03:59,560
at or on nitwits or wallies or
people who work in hotels.

80
00:03:59,600 --> 00:04:00,720
We just can't do that.

81
00:04:00,760 --> 00:04:03,200
Yeah, it would be very harsh
and negative to be punching down

82
00:04:03,240 --> 00:04:06,920
to or of people who just happen
to be wrong about everything.

83
00:04:06,960 --> 00:04:08,080
ALL: Mm.

84
00:04:08,120 --> 00:04:11,880
OK, so let's write a lovely positive
sketch about something that we love.

85
00:04:11,920 --> 00:04:14,760
Lara, what are your passions?
What are you passionate about?

86
00:04:14,800 --> 00:04:17,800
Golf. I'm crazy about golf.
Crazy golf?

87
00:04:17,840 --> 00:04:21,200
No, regular golf. I just love it.
Golf is my happy place.

88
00:04:21,240 --> 00:04:24,920
You know, the green,
the holes, the holes.

89
00:04:24,960 --> 00:04:27,840
Want to see a picture
of me in my happy place.

90
00:04:27,880 --> 00:04:30,520
WOMAN: Oh, you do look very happy.

91
00:04:30,560 --> 00:04:31,720
OK, great let's just do

92
00:04:31,760 --> 00:04:34,800
a lovely sketch about golf where
no-one gets hurt,

93
00:04:34,840 --> 00:04:37,440
not people who love golf,
not people who hate golf.

94
00:04:37,480 --> 00:04:40,040
And not people who've never
heard of golf.

95
00:04:40,080 --> 00:04:42,160
What kind of moron has never heard
of golf?

96
00:04:46,080 --> 00:04:48,840
Previously on Sweary Aussie Drama.

97
00:04:48,880 --> 00:04:50,720
This is my fucking farm.

98
00:04:50,760 --> 00:04:54,120
This fucking farm's
my fucking farm now.

99
00:04:54,160 --> 00:04:56,760
This is my fucking farm now.

100
00:04:56,800 --> 00:04:58,760
This is my fucking farm again.

101
00:04:59,760 --> 00:05:01,880
Sorry, who's fucking farm, is it?

102
00:05:01,920 --> 00:05:03,880
I found a fucking will.

103
00:05:03,920 --> 00:05:05,560
Fuck.

104
00:05:20,960 --> 00:05:22,440
It's yours, you nobber.

105
00:05:25,080 --> 00:05:26,960
Shit.

106
00:05:37,800 --> 00:05:40,840
Were you blowing this whole fuckin'
farm sky fuckin' high?

107
00:05:40,880 --> 00:05:42,640
Too fuckin' right.

108
00:05:42,680 --> 00:05:45,720
I love the tits of you,
you stone-cold cunt.

109
00:05:45,760 --> 00:05:47,880
Want to run a fuckin' farm?

110
00:05:54,960 --> 00:05:57,200
Take a fuckin' seat.

111
00:06:00,960 --> 00:06:03,440
Not so fuckin' fast.

112
00:06:09,640 --> 00:06:12,440
What the fuck?
For fuck's sake.

113
00:06:12,480 --> 00:06:14,120
For crying out fuck.

114
00:06:14,160 --> 00:06:15,720
Who the fuck are you?

115
00:06:29,200 --> 00:06:31,640
So, all we need is your DBS check

116
00:06:31,680 --> 00:06:33,240
and you can start with
the new term.

117
00:06:33,280 --> 00:06:37,520
Oh, brilliant.
And how do we do the DBS check?

118
00:06:37,560 --> 00:06:38,960
Do you need anything from me?

119
00:06:39,000 --> 00:06:42,720
Oh, it's a straightforward process,
but the format has changed recently.

120
00:06:42,760 --> 00:06:45,320
We used to just rely on your
criminal history,

121
00:06:45,360 --> 00:06:47,640
but that only told us if you'd been
caught or not

122
00:06:47,680 --> 00:06:51,480
and let me tell you there are a lot
of very clever paedos out there.

123
00:06:53,720 --> 00:06:55,600
So, if you wouldn't mind.

124
00:06:58,000 --> 00:07:00,160
Oh, I go through there?

125
00:07:00,200 --> 00:07:03,640
Yes, Clarence will be conducting
the check today.

126
00:07:05,080 --> 00:07:06,240
OK.

127
00:07:17,640 --> 00:07:19,360
Hello?

128
00:07:20,920 --> 00:07:23,080
I'm here for the DBS check?

129
00:07:25,600 --> 00:07:26,920
Scared, are you?

130
00:07:26,960 --> 00:07:28,280
You surprised me.

131
00:07:28,320 --> 00:07:29,520
What if I was a child?

132
00:07:29,560 --> 00:07:31,040
What do you mean
"what if I was a child"?

133
00:07:31,080 --> 00:07:33,400
What would you do if I was a child?
I don't know.

134
00:07:33,440 --> 00:07:37,160
Incorrect. The answer I was looking
for was "not assault you".

135
00:07:37,200 --> 00:07:38,600
That's strike one of three.

136
00:07:38,640 --> 00:07:40,800
Oh, God. Erm...

137
00:07:42,960 --> 00:07:44,360
You have a bag of sweets.

138
00:07:44,400 --> 00:07:45,640
Do you A, eat them,

139
00:07:45,680 --> 00:07:48,080
B, put them away to be eaten at a
time of your choosing,

140
00:07:48,120 --> 00:07:50,840
or C, lure a child into your van?

141
00:07:50,880 --> 00:07:52,320
Well, not C obviously.

142
00:07:52,360 --> 00:07:53,560
Interesting.

143
00:07:53,600 --> 00:07:55,280
I thought this was going
to be a form or...

144
00:07:55,320 --> 00:07:57,600
A child comes to you for help
with a minor injury do you

145
00:07:57,640 --> 00:07:59,000
A, contact their parents,

146
00:07:59,040 --> 00:08:00,400
B, dial 111,

147
00:08:00,440 --> 00:08:02,040
C, flirt?

148
00:08:02,080 --> 00:08:03,240
Is this a joke?

149
00:08:03,280 --> 00:08:04,880
Do you think this is funny?

150
00:08:04,920 --> 00:08:07,720
No. Erm, I would contact
their parents

151
00:08:07,760 --> 00:08:09,720
and then dial 111 obviously.

152
00:08:09,760 --> 00:08:12,320
Oh, you think you're soooo clever,
don't you?

153
00:08:12,360 --> 00:08:15,120
You think you're sooooo above
board sexually.

154
00:08:15,160 --> 00:08:18,000
I am? I've kids of my own.

155
00:08:18,040 --> 00:08:21,720
"Oh, I can't be a nonce, some of my
best friends are children."

156
00:08:21,760 --> 00:08:23,000
That's not what I said.

157
00:08:24,400 --> 00:08:26,760
This is a line-up of various
children,

158
00:08:26,800 --> 00:08:28,280
who do you think's the fittest?

159
00:08:28,320 --> 00:08:29,520
None of them.

160
00:08:29,560 --> 00:08:31,880
Bearing in mind these are photos
of children from

161
00:08:31,920 --> 00:08:33,480
the 1970s who are adults now,
so this is fine.

162
00:08:33,520 --> 00:08:35,800
Still none of them.
It's multiple choice I'm afraid.

163
00:08:35,840 --> 00:08:37,720
You can have A, fit as in athletic?

164
00:08:37,760 --> 00:08:39,880
I'd have to see them do the bleep
test first,

165
00:08:39,920 --> 00:08:42,360
B, none,
Or C, Third child on the right.

166
00:08:42,400 --> 00:08:45,480
B, none.
Oh, very convenient. Question four.

167
00:08:45,520 --> 00:08:47,760
But if you HAD to pick,
if you had to,

168
00:08:47,800 --> 00:08:50,800
would it be A, one, B, two, or C,
I can't choose...

169
00:08:50,840 --> 00:08:52,240
I can't choose.

170
00:08:52,280 --> 00:08:54,840
I hadn't finished. C, I can't choose
because they're all quite hot.

171
00:08:54,880 --> 00:08:56,040
Well, not that one.

172
00:08:56,080 --> 00:08:57,440
Not which one? Who do you mean?

173
00:08:57,480 --> 00:08:59,160
Apart from that one, obviously,
he's a minger.

174
00:08:59,200 --> 00:09:01,560
No, I mean not that one as in not
option C,

175
00:09:01,600 --> 00:09:03,440
and I don't think you can call
a child a minger.

176
00:09:03,480 --> 00:09:05,560
Oh, so you do have an opinion about
which child is hotter.

177
00:09:05,600 --> 00:09:06,680
No, I don't.

178
00:09:06,720 --> 00:09:08,040
You're going to look me in the eye

179
00:09:08,080 --> 00:09:10,280
and tell me that child is not
less attractive than

180
00:09:10,320 --> 00:09:11,480
the other children?

181
00:09:11,520 --> 00:09:13,960
That child is me,
by the way, when I was a young lad.

182
00:09:14,000 --> 00:09:16,600
And I don't mind saying it,
I was a munter.

183
00:09:16,640 --> 00:09:18,360
No, you weren't a munter.

184
00:09:18,400 --> 00:09:20,400
You've got a lovely angelic face
and...

185
00:09:20,440 --> 00:09:22,520
OK, you fancy me as a child. NO.

186
00:09:22,560 --> 00:09:24,240
You haven't answered question four.

187
00:09:24,280 --> 00:09:26,960
Because I don't agree
with any of them. Correct.

188
00:09:27,000 --> 00:09:28,720
If you had to choose between being

189
00:09:28,760 --> 00:09:31,760
a paedo or doing 9/11 which,
would you go for?

190
00:09:31,800 --> 00:09:33,240
I'm leaving.

191
00:09:33,280 --> 00:09:35,160
All right, Gary Glitter.

192
00:09:37,640 --> 00:09:39,640
I'm sorry, that is absolutely...

193
00:09:39,680 --> 00:09:42,600
So, it seems you passed the DBS
check with no obvious issue.

194
00:09:44,600 --> 00:09:45,600
Oh.

195
00:09:47,160 --> 00:09:48,640
OK. Great.

196
00:09:48,680 --> 00:09:52,240
So, shall I just see you in
September?

197
00:09:52,280 --> 00:09:54,640
But I'm afraid we can't let
you proceed because you failed

198
00:09:54,680 --> 00:09:57,920
the 9/11 check, so you're probably
a terrorist.

199
00:10:06,640 --> 00:10:09,480
OK, So lovely positive golf sketch.

200
00:10:09,520 --> 00:10:12,880
Exterior, day, golf course,
it's a beautiful day.

201
00:10:12,920 --> 00:10:16,880
Golfer one says, "What a lovely
game of golf I'm having."

202
00:10:16,920 --> 00:10:19,280
Good, that's a nice naturalistic
bit of exposition.

203
00:10:19,320 --> 00:10:23,240
And maybe Golfer two says, "Yes,
it's excellent, isn't it?

204
00:10:23,280 --> 00:10:25,160
"I love golf."

205
00:10:25,200 --> 00:10:28,520
And Golfer three says
"And not just golf.

206
00:10:28,560 --> 00:10:30,680
"There are so many
beautiful things in this world

207
00:10:30,720 --> 00:10:32,720
"that we should be grateful for."

208
00:10:32,760 --> 00:10:34,400
That is lovely.

209
00:10:34,440 --> 00:10:36,320
Why don't we write more sketches
like this?

210
00:10:36,360 --> 00:10:38,560
Yes, it's going really well,
isn't it?

211
00:10:38,600 --> 00:10:41,160
I'm not worried about it, you know?

212
00:10:41,200 --> 00:10:44,160
Whenever there's a joke, you worry.

213
00:10:44,200 --> 00:10:47,120
Yeah, you do.
You worry will they laugh?

214
00:10:47,160 --> 00:10:48,640
Will it upset someone?

215
00:10:48,680 --> 00:10:51,040
Will it get translated into another
language where it turns out it's

216
00:10:51,080 --> 00:10:52,720
a slur? You worry.

217
00:10:52,760 --> 00:10:55,560
Yeah, you're right,
it's jokes, isn't it?

218
00:10:55,600 --> 00:10:57,320
The problem has been jokes.

219
00:10:57,360 --> 00:11:00,120
I suddenly understand why everyone
loves Ted Lasso.

220
00:11:00,160 --> 00:11:02,320
Oh, that does feel
a bit negative, Rob.

221
00:11:02,360 --> 00:11:04,320
No, no, no,
I don't mean it negatively.

222
00:11:04,360 --> 00:11:05,880
I think they're really on
to something.

223
00:11:05,920 --> 00:11:07,680
No jokes, no problem.

224
00:11:07,720 --> 00:11:11,040
Just pleasant interactions between
people of good faith.

225
00:11:11,080 --> 00:11:14,160
There's literally nothing
to object to.

226
00:11:14,200 --> 00:11:17,680
This is great. Well,
let's try something a bit visual.

227
00:11:17,720 --> 00:11:22,000
Golfer one takes a shot.
Golfer two says, "Good shot."

228
00:11:24,240 --> 00:11:27,040
Fucking hell, I love this.
I could watch this all day.

229
00:11:27,080 --> 00:11:29,280
And then maybe aliens land?

230
00:11:29,320 --> 00:11:31,440
And the golfers get scared for a
second.

231
00:11:31,480 --> 00:11:33,480
Oh, is that stressful?
No, no, let me finish.

232
00:11:33,520 --> 00:11:36,360
And then the head alien says,
"Can we play?"

233
00:11:36,400 --> 00:11:38,640
- Huh.
- Oh.

234
00:11:38,680 --> 00:11:41,080
Yeah. And then they just have
a lovely time.

235
00:11:43,800 --> 00:11:45,760
Maybe one of the aliens
starts wanking?

236
00:11:52,560 --> 00:11:56,720
Sebastian, we are thrilled that
you're going to be reading your
novel here.

237
00:11:56,760 --> 00:11:57,880
Well, thank you for having me.

238
00:11:57,920 --> 00:12:00,400
Of course, we have a few minutes
before the event,

239
00:12:00,440 --> 00:12:03,600
and I did have a bit of
a cheeky request actually.

240
00:12:03,640 --> 00:12:04,920
Oh, cheeky.

241
00:12:04,960 --> 00:12:07,720
Ha-ha. So, you know we sponsor a
young writer's competition.

242
00:12:07,760 --> 00:12:08,920
Of course, wonderful.

243
00:12:08,960 --> 00:12:11,240
Yeah, and we actually have
the short story finalists

244
00:12:11,280 --> 00:12:13,240
and they're just over there in
that corner

245
00:12:13,280 --> 00:12:15,440
and I know it's a bit last minute,

246
00:12:15,480 --> 00:12:18,280
but it would mean the world
to them if you would just go

247
00:12:18,320 --> 00:12:21,840
and maybe say hi and maybe have a
quick selfie with them.

248
00:12:21,880 --> 00:12:23,840
That would be no problem whatsoever.

249
00:12:23,880 --> 00:12:25,280
I'd be delighted.

250
00:12:25,320 --> 00:12:26,760
WHISPERS INDISTINCTLY

251
00:12:26,800 --> 00:12:29,720
Yeah, there's absolutely no fucking
way he's doing that.

252
00:12:29,760 --> 00:12:32,960
Oh, OK, yes,
I guess it was a bit of a cheeky...

253
00:12:33,000 --> 00:12:36,160
Shall I go over now?
I mean, it's no trouble. I'm here.

254
00:12:36,200 --> 00:12:37,880
Yes, if you would that would be so.

255
00:12:37,920 --> 00:12:39,520
Look, he's got a fucking book
to promote.

256
00:12:39,560 --> 00:12:42,880
He's not here to make fucking
friends with some snot-nosed kids.

257
00:12:42,920 --> 00:12:44,240
Maybe they could come here,

258
00:12:44,280 --> 00:12:46,120
and I could sign a book
for each of them.

259
00:12:46,160 --> 00:12:48,440
I mean, the books are here.
Would that make sense?

260
00:12:48,480 --> 00:12:50,720
That is so generous.
That would be...

261
00:12:50,760 --> 00:12:52,520
I'll just go, and
I'll fetch them quickly.

262
00:12:52,560 --> 00:12:54,560
Where the fuck are you going?
It's not happening.

263
00:12:54,600 --> 00:12:58,080
How many times do I have to tell
you. It's event, signing, car.

264
00:12:58,120 --> 00:13:00,560
I tell you what,
I don't have any lunch plans maybe,

265
00:13:00,600 --> 00:13:03,680
if they're free, I could take them
to that lovely trattoria

266
00:13:03,720 --> 00:13:07,400
round the corner and maybe they
could pick my so-called brains

267
00:13:07,440 --> 00:13:10,160
about the writing process.
I mean, I doubt they've got much

268
00:13:10,200 --> 00:13:11,840
o learn from me,
they're clearly so talented.

269
00:13:11,880 --> 00:13:13,680
But I'd be happy to lend them

270
00:13:13,720 --> 00:13:17,440
the benefit of my experience,
such as it is.

271
00:13:17,480 --> 00:13:19,320
Well, that would be lovely.

272
00:13:19,360 --> 00:13:20,880
He's fucking sick of this.

273
00:13:20,920 --> 00:13:23,600
He wants to go.
The event's off. You've blown it.

274
00:13:23,640 --> 00:13:26,400
I'm really looking forward to
the event.

275
00:13:26,440 --> 00:13:30,160
Car now. He's going.
Sebastian thinks you're a dick.

276
00:13:30,200 --> 00:13:32,120
It's been absolutely lovely.

277
00:13:32,160 --> 00:13:34,160
This has been fucking unacceptable.

278
00:13:54,440 --> 00:13:56,640
So, his wife was dying,
he knew that,

279
00:13:56,680 --> 00:13:59,040
everyone knew that,
so he goes over to Calais,

280
00:13:59,080 --> 00:14:01,560
to one of those warehouses
to get a deal on cheap booze

281
00:14:01,600 --> 00:14:02,920
for the funeral, you know the wake.

282
00:14:02,960 --> 00:14:04,200
Was this pre Brexit?

283
00:14:04,240 --> 00:14:06,640
Pre Brexit. So financially,
it makes sense.

284
00:14:06,680 --> 00:14:07,680
Yeah, good idea.

285
00:14:07,720 --> 00:14:09,000
But is it though?

286
00:14:09,040 --> 00:14:10,600
Financially speaking
it's a no-brainer,

287
00:14:10,640 --> 00:14:14,440
but my question is, is it... on?

288
00:14:14,480 --> 00:14:16,160
On?

289
00:14:16,200 --> 00:14:18,600
Like, OK, morally-speaking?

290
00:14:18,640 --> 00:14:22,360
Cheap booze for a do, great, but
when the do is the funeral of

291
00:14:22,400 --> 00:14:25,960
a loved-one who is still alive,
does that taste a bit funny?

292
00:14:26,000 --> 00:14:28,440
I'd say anything less
than five euros for a box

293
00:14:28,480 --> 00:14:30,920
is always going to taste funny,
no matter where you get it.

294
00:14:30,960 --> 00:14:33,120
No, I mean, is it all right?

295
00:14:33,160 --> 00:14:35,720
My question is did he tell her?

296
00:14:35,760 --> 00:14:37,680
Yeah, good question.

297
00:14:37,720 --> 00:14:39,400
Did he say to her,
"Tell you what, love,

298
00:14:39,440 --> 00:14:41,880
"I'm very sorry you're dying
but we will have

299
00:14:41,920 --> 00:14:43,880
"to offer some hospitality when
that happens,

300
00:14:43,920 --> 00:14:45,160
"so I'm getting ahead on that,

301
00:14:45,200 --> 00:14:48,280
"and the great news is that I've got
an absolute bargain on

302
00:14:48,320 --> 00:14:50,240
"a perfectly quaffable
Cote De Rhone?"

303
00:14:51,360 --> 00:14:52,720
Yes, he did.

304
00:14:52,760 --> 00:14:54,920
Well, in that case that's fine.
Well, in that case that's
outrageous.

305
00:14:54,960 --> 00:14:57,840
You see, this is the thing it
divides opinion.

306
00:14:57,880 --> 00:14:59,120
That's why it's a good one.

307
00:14:59,160 --> 00:15:00,520
I brought this up at Christmas lunch

308
00:15:00,560 --> 00:15:03,160
and people really went quiet,
just thinking about it.

309
00:15:03,200 --> 00:15:05,080
Is that what you want,
Christmas Day?

310
00:15:05,120 --> 00:15:06,680
Oh, yeah. No point dragging it out.

311
00:15:06,720 --> 00:15:08,520
If there's a pause in
the conversation,

312
00:15:08,560 --> 00:15:09,600
you can get the dishes in
the kitchen,

313
00:15:09,640 --> 00:15:11,360
or you can make a little noise in
the back of your throat

314
00:15:11,400 --> 00:15:13,000
so that Susan gets the dishes in
the kitchen.

315
00:15:13,040 --> 00:15:15,240
Oh, too right,
you've got to push through it.

316
00:15:15,280 --> 00:15:16,640
You've got to screw your paper
hat up

317
00:15:16,680 --> 00:15:18,920
and start binning all
the shit from crackers.

318
00:15:18,960 --> 00:15:21,400
Big light on, tell the kids to clear
all this mess up.

319
00:15:21,440 --> 00:15:23,400
Yeah, that's right - cloth off,
table back to normal size

320
00:15:23,440 --> 00:15:25,600
and then you can make a start on
the tree. Yeah, absolutely.

321
00:15:25,640 --> 00:15:29,000
If possible, I like to get the tree
down by the end of Moana.

322
00:15:29,040 --> 00:15:31,800
They complain, of course, but I just
say to them look it's a musical,

323
00:15:31,840 --> 00:15:33,600
you can easily hear
the songs over the hoover.

324
00:15:33,640 --> 00:15:35,480
Yep, that's right, in-laws in a cab.

325
00:15:35,520 --> 00:15:38,080
Slam. See you at Easter.
House back to normal.

326
00:15:38,120 --> 00:15:40,640
And then it's done,
it's over, you've done it.

327
00:15:40,680 --> 00:15:41,760
Normal.

328
00:15:41,800 --> 00:15:43,800
You don't have to do it any more
because you've done it.

329
00:15:43,840 --> 00:15:45,480
It's finished.

330
00:15:45,520 --> 00:15:47,440
Apart from the all-day Baileys.

331
00:15:49,960 --> 00:15:51,280
I don't really like Baileys.

332
00:15:51,320 --> 00:15:53,560
I don't really mean Baileys,
I mean lager.

333
00:15:53,600 --> 00:15:55,680
But around Christmas we call
it Baileys.

334
00:16:02,640 --> 00:16:05,880
Stephen. It's finally happening.
She's asked for a word.

335
00:16:05,920 --> 00:16:09,440
Right. Yes.
Did she say anything else?

336
00:16:09,480 --> 00:16:12,120
That she had something important
to tell us.

337
00:16:12,160 --> 00:16:14,520
OK. I'm ready.

338
00:16:14,560 --> 00:16:15,920
I-I'm getting ready.

339
00:16:17,640 --> 00:16:20,200
Just remember we've got one chance
to do this right.

340
00:16:23,240 --> 00:16:24,880
Oh. Hello, love.

341
00:16:24,920 --> 00:16:26,040
Do you want to sit down?

342
00:16:30,480 --> 00:16:32,480
Your mum says you've got something
on your mind.

343
00:16:32,520 --> 00:16:34,640
It's OK, sweetie. Take your time.

344
00:16:34,680 --> 00:16:38,240
I'm letting her take her time.
All the time you need.

345
00:16:38,280 --> 00:16:41,560
For a while now I've wanted
to tell you guys something.

346
00:16:41,600 --> 00:16:43,280
But something stopped me.

347
00:16:43,320 --> 00:16:45,880
Anyway, I just can't carry on not
saying.

348
00:16:45,920 --> 00:16:47,520
I want you to know all of me.

349
00:16:47,560 --> 00:16:50,840
We want to know you too, love,
and we're ready

350
00:16:50,880 --> 00:16:55,280
to accept whatever-whatever it is

351
00:16:55,320 --> 00:16:58,320
that you want to tell us
about your... Sexuality.

352
00:16:58,360 --> 00:16:59,520
Right.

353
00:16:59,560 --> 00:17:01,800
It's all right, love.
You can say it.

354
00:17:01,840 --> 00:17:06,000
OK. Mum, Dad, I'm...

355
00:17:07,320 --> 00:17:08,840
...I'm a right slag.

356
00:17:11,720 --> 00:17:14,240
I just want to say thank you,

357
00:17:14,280 --> 00:17:17,840
so much for trusting us enough
to share that with us.

358
00:17:17,880 --> 00:17:19,040
Uh-huh.

359
00:17:19,080 --> 00:17:22,360
Oh, God that feels good to say
aloud. I feel so much lighter.

360
00:17:22,400 --> 00:17:26,960
Honestly, I think I've always known,
since you were a little girl.

361
00:17:27,000 --> 00:17:28,240
That I was a right slag?

362
00:17:28,280 --> 00:17:29,920
That you were a right slag.

363
00:17:29,960 --> 00:17:31,440
And you're not upset?

364
00:17:31,480 --> 00:17:32,520
No. Of course not.

365
00:17:32,560 --> 00:17:33,960
And your father's not upset either.

366
00:17:34,000 --> 00:17:35,680
Are you, love?

367
00:17:35,720 --> 00:17:37,520
No, no, of course not.

368
00:17:37,560 --> 00:17:40,720
I accept and love you whatever,

369
00:17:40,760 --> 00:17:44,520
whether or not you are
a right slut.

370
00:17:44,560 --> 00:17:45,640
Stephen.

371
00:17:45,680 --> 00:17:47,120
Dad. I knew you'd be like this.

372
00:17:47,160 --> 00:17:48,560
What? What have I said?

373
00:17:48,600 --> 00:17:49,840
She's not a slut.

374
00:17:49,880 --> 00:17:52,880
I'm a slaaaag. OK? A right slag.

375
00:17:52,920 --> 00:17:55,880
I'm sorry. I-I just want to
make sure I've understood.

376
00:17:55,920 --> 00:17:57,720
Help me to understand.

377
00:17:57,760 --> 00:18:05,240
What exactly does being
a "right slag" mean to you?

378
00:18:05,280 --> 00:18:08,480
Just that I really like it up me.
Right up.

379
00:18:08,520 --> 00:18:10,240
I don't know how else to say it.

380
00:18:10,280 --> 00:18:13,240
I'm a slag bag, a ho bag.
I'm over easy.

381
00:18:13,280 --> 00:18:15,160
I'm happy with all that terminology.

382
00:18:15,200 --> 00:18:17,200
Some people would call me
the village bike.

383
00:18:17,240 --> 00:18:19,320
And you'd be OK with that?

384
00:18:19,360 --> 00:18:20,520
That's just who I am.

385
00:18:20,560 --> 00:18:22,000
It's who she is, Stephen.

386
00:18:22,040 --> 00:18:23,320
But you're not a slut?

387
00:18:23,360 --> 00:18:27,400
Um... No, Dad.
A slut gets stuff in return for sex.

388
00:18:27,440 --> 00:18:32,400
Money, a flat maybe?
I give it away for free.

389
00:18:32,440 --> 00:18:36,560
I put it about. A lot.
With anyone. Anyone at all.

390
00:18:36,600 --> 00:18:39,600
I'm a slag. I gobble for Britain.

391
00:18:39,640 --> 00:18:44,640
And I'd like to know that you,
my parents, support me as I do that.

392
00:18:44,680 --> 00:18:46,240
Is that so weird?

393
00:18:46,280 --> 00:18:50,000
I suppose not.
No, love. In fact, I tell you what,

394
00:18:50,040 --> 00:18:54,200
on your graduation day, next summer,
me and your mum will be there

395
00:18:54,240 --> 00:18:57,680
in the audience watching you accept
your certificate,

396
00:18:57,720 --> 00:19:02,320
your special scroll,
and we'll be as proud as punch.

397
00:19:02,360 --> 00:19:07,840
And, if a stranger sitting next
to me says "Is that your daughter?

398
00:19:07,880 --> 00:19:11,000
"She looks like a right slag.
Is she?"

399
00:19:12,600 --> 00:19:14,120
I won't get angry,

400
00:19:14,160 --> 00:19:17,880
I won't hit him.
I'll say "You're absolutely right.

401
00:19:17,920 --> 00:19:20,360
"She really is a filthy whore."

402
00:19:20,400 --> 00:19:22,080
Stephen. What?

403
00:19:26,440 --> 00:19:29,880
I don't know.
Shopping took longer than expected,

404
00:19:29,920 --> 00:19:34,440
I'm just going to have to try
and beat the traffic, I'm sorry.

405
00:19:50,320 --> 00:19:51,880
Can I help you?

406
00:19:51,920 --> 00:19:55,000
WE ARE THE GOOMB.

407
00:19:55,040 --> 00:19:56,400
Who said that?

408
00:19:56,440 --> 00:19:59,600
YOU MUST HELP US, PAT MILLS.

409
00:19:59,640 --> 00:20:01,600
How did you know my...?

410
00:20:01,640 --> 00:20:03,360
Is this telepathy?

411
00:20:03,400 --> 00:20:06,320
OUR PEOPLE ARE DYING.
PLEASE HELP US.

412
00:20:07,760 --> 00:20:09,640
How can I help you?

413
00:20:09,680 --> 00:20:10,880
WE ARE THE GOOMB.

414
00:20:10,920 --> 00:20:12,400
WE HAVE POOLED ALL OUR RESOURCES

415
00:20:12,440 --> 00:20:17,640
INTO THE MAKING OF A TEEN COMEDY
CALLED HIGH SCHOOL FAUX PAS.

416
00:20:17,680 --> 00:20:20,880
Right. WE'VE MOCKED UP A TRAILER
HERE ON THE LAPTOP.

417
00:20:20,920 --> 00:20:24,200
WE WOULD LOVE IT IF YOU COULD GIVE
US SOME FEEDBACK.

418
00:20:27,400 --> 00:20:30,160
OK. I'm just in a bit of a
hurry so...

419
00:20:30,200 --> 00:20:32,200
OUR PEOPLE ARE DYING.

420
00:20:33,720 --> 00:20:35,160
I'll take a look.

421
00:20:35,200 --> 00:20:37,680
IT'S BETTER IF YOU USE
THE HEADPHONES.

422
00:20:37,720 --> 00:20:40,520
This is fine.

423
00:20:41,720 --> 00:20:43,520
Oh, I'm not wearing any underwear

424
00:20:43,560 --> 00:20:46,480
and I have to get
to my first day in High School.

425
00:20:46,520 --> 00:20:50,520
Where's that bus?
I'll never get there.

426
00:20:53,440 --> 00:20:58,440
Hey, kid,
I'm JJ and I'm going to High School.

427
00:20:58,480 --> 00:21:00,280
Need a lift?

428
00:21:00,320 --> 00:21:02,240
Hey, great.

429
00:21:02,280 --> 00:21:04,480
You'll have to share though.

430
00:21:04,520 --> 00:21:08,640
I'm taking my friend, Benny,
along to lose his virginity.

431
00:21:08,680 --> 00:21:11,200
Oh! Benny's a werewolf?

432
00:21:11,240 --> 00:21:12,240
BENNY HOWLS

433
00:21:15,360 --> 00:21:16,880
HIGH SCHOOL FAUX PAS.

434
00:21:16,920 --> 00:21:20,280
The new comedy for anyone who's ever
been to High School.

435
00:21:20,320 --> 00:21:21,840
Certificate to be confirmed.

436
00:21:24,280 --> 00:21:26,320
WE DO NOT KNOW WHAT HIGH SCHOOL IS.

437
00:21:27,960 --> 00:21:28,960
I see.

438
00:21:30,320 --> 00:21:33,440
I'm probably not
the target audience for this.

439
00:21:33,480 --> 00:21:35,480
DID YOU LIKE IT?

440
00:21:35,520 --> 00:21:38,640
DID YOU LIKE OUR MALE LEAD
MATT RAINFORD?

441
00:21:40,200 --> 00:21:43,040
I would have liked
to see more of him maybe.

442
00:21:43,080 --> 00:21:45,160
A LOT OF PEOPLE SAID THEY LIKED HIM.

443
00:21:45,200 --> 00:21:47,120
WHAT DID YOU LIKE LEAST?

444
00:21:47,160 --> 00:21:49,200
Um... I'm.

445
00:21:49,240 --> 00:21:51,480
I wasn't too sure about
the sound levels.

446
00:21:51,520 --> 00:21:53,480
YOU DIDN'T USE THE HEADPHONES.

447
00:21:53,520 --> 00:21:57,320
Even so. Is that the finished...?

448
00:21:57,360 --> 00:22:00,720
WE HAVE ANOTHER IDEA FOR A MUSICAL
ABOUT A POLICEMAN...

449
00:22:00,760 --> 00:22:02,080
Oh.

450
00:22:02,120 --> 00:22:03,920
...CALLED POLICEMAN FAUX PAS.

451
00:22:03,960 --> 00:22:06,480
MATT RAINFORD'S ON BOARD.

452
00:22:06,520 --> 00:22:09,280
OK, well, the title. Maybe.

453
00:22:16,360 --> 00:22:19,280
What?
OUR DEADLY FOE.

454
00:22:19,320 --> 00:22:20,520
No.

455
00:22:22,000 --> 00:22:24,800
WE SHALL EMAIL YOU A LINK
TO OUR SITE.

456
00:22:24,840 --> 00:22:27,080
No... No. I'll google it.

457
00:22:27,120 --> 00:22:29,800
YOU SHOULD GO NOW, PAT MILLS.

458
00:22:32,080 --> 00:22:36,680
We are sorry of you have not
beaten the traffic.

459
00:22:38,440 --> 00:22:41,280
FIRST ACTOR: Benny's a werewolf?
SECOND ACTOR: I'm JJ. Need a lift?

460
00:22:41,320 --> 00:22:43,360
Need a lift? Need a lift?

461
00:22:43,400 --> 00:22:45,200
Benny's a werewolf?

462
00:23:11,040 --> 00:23:13,640
Subtitles by Red Bee Media