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Downloaded from
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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[band playing intro music]
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[crowd cheering]
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Hey, this is Redban.
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{\an8}Coming to you live
from Madison Square Garden
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{\an8}here in New York City
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for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.
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Give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe!
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[crowd cheering]
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[Tony] New York City!
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Madison Square Fucking Garden,
the greatest arena in the world.
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They said we'd never be back.
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Who's ready for the best
fucking night of their lives?
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[crowd cheering]
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[exclaims loudly]
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[laughs]
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Make some noise for Redban, everybody!
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What is up?
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Oh, my God, it is going down!
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New York!
How the fuck are we feeling tonight, huh?
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[cheering and applause]
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Oh, my God. This is it.
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The Mecca.
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The greatest arena in the world!
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The third ever Kill Tony here
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and proud to say, the first ever podcast
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ever, at Madison Square Garden.
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- [crowd cheering]
- And this is our third time doing it
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and the first time
in an arena for Netflix, everybody.
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You are here watching history happen.
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What an amazing show we have for you,
and I'm just gonna jump right into it.
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I'm gonna bring up tonight's guest.
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Ladies and gentlemen, first guest,
one of the biggest and best in the world.
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His special is on Netflix.
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Multiple specials.
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The youngest comedian ever
to sell out Madison Square Garden,
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and he's done it twice already.
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Truly one of the best in the world.
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Make some fucking noise for Matt Rife,
ladies and gentlemen, here we go.
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- [upbeat music playing]
- [applause]
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Oh, yeah, they're on their fucking feet.
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Multiple time guest.
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{\an8}One of the greatest rippers in the world.
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{\an8}One of the greatest comedians.
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A fucking stud.
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One of the homies, Matt Rife.
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Your second guest, ladies and gentlemen,
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one of the kings of New York,
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one of my favorite human beings
here with us for the next three hours,
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make some noise
for the great Mark Normand, everybody.
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[upbeat music playing]
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{\an8}- [applause]
- Yeah. Oh, yeah.
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{\an8}Comedy! Let's go.
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We're going joke heavy
this episode, everyone.
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We're not dusting up
old comedy mummies tonight.
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We got the fucking jokesters here.
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Rapid fire.
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One more time, Matt Rife and Mark Normand,
ladies and gentlemen.
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[cheering and applause]
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We're gonna have so much fun.
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We have a very, very special treat,
as some of you may know.
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How many of you were here
at Madison Square Garden last year?
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- [loud cheering]
- Well, welcome back.
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You guys know we have a very special thing
here called the Legends Bucket.
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Last year, we got multiple sets
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from some of the best comedians
in the world.
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Tonight, only at MSG
do we ever bust out the Legends Bucket.
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It's gonna be a blast.
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Just a heads up
for the normal bucket pulls,
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there's no booing during their sets.
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You have to save your boos
for after their sets.
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Yes, please.
For the love of God, give them a chance.
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Sometimes they mention a sports team
or a city that you guys don't like.
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And then that's just the end
of all of their dreams immediately.
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Just give them a chance
to get to their punch line, at least,
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before you destroy their souls forever.
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[scattered laughter]
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Mark Normand, how are we feeling?
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It's your city, New York City.
You're at Madison Square Garden.
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[cheering and applause]
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- Hey.
- [laughs]
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Feeling good.
This is exciting. Look at us.
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A couple of hunks and Redban.
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- [laughs]
- [drum sting plays]
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Redban wearing his big executive
producer glasses tonight.
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- Look at you. Whoa!
- You're like a young Harvey Weinstein.
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- [laughter]
- [drum sting plays]
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Sit on my lap.
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- I fucking love--
- Good to be here. Thank you for having me.
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Matt Rife, welcome back. You're in it.
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- Not bad.
- Back home.
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He was just here a couple of weeks ago.
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Selling it out all on your own.
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Yeah, a month ago, we were here for two
of the greatest shows in my entire life.
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So New York, I love you.
I'm happy to be back, man.
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- Let's have some fun.
- [Tony] I love it. I love it.
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The guys are happy. The ladies are happy.
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The kids, the old people.
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I see it all.
We're ready to start this fucking show.
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Uh... Let's just jump right into it.
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You guys know how it works.
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Uh, comedians, if pulled out
of the normal bucket--
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Legends get to
do a little longer, of course.
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But the normal bucket things
stay the same.
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They get pulled out of this bucket.
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They get one minute uninterrupted.
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You know their set is up
when you hear the sound of a kitten.
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[kitten meows]
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That means they have to wrap it up then,
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or else they bring out
the angry West Hollywood bear,
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which has always been with us.
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- It's just a very, very loud growl.
- [crowd cheering]
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- Oh, my God, wait a second.
- [band playing dramatic music]
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Wait a second.
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No way!
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Wait a second.
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{\an8}Nate Diaz, the master
of the Stockton Slap.
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UFC Future Hall of Famer.
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One of the kings of California, Nate Diaz.
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If bucket pulls go over their minute,
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they get slapped across the face
by Nate Diaz tonight.
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[bear growls]
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Nate, step up to that mic.
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How does it make you feel when
comedians go over their allotted time?
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When it's time to go,
get the fuck off the stage.
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- [Tony laughs] Let's go.
- [bear growls]
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Let's fucking go.
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One more time for Nate Diaz.
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We're gonna do this shit tonight.
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- Yeah!
- [music playing]
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These bucket pulls better
respect their allotted time.
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Why don't we bring up
a Hall of Famer to do a minute?
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Ladies and gentlemen,
this is David Lucas, everybody.
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- [band plays intro music]
- Oh, shit!
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The roast man himself.
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David Lucas.
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{\an8}[crowd cheering]
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{\an8}Yeah.
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I love being Black because
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Black people don't tolerate shit.
Like, Black people don't like gay people.
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[crowd laughing]
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The only exception is if it's Tyler Perry,
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or the choir director, you know.
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Like, Black people
don't like trans people, they don't.
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And the reason Black people
don't like trans people
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is because Black people
hate magic. [laughs]
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You ever seen somebody
do a magic trick on a nigga?
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They take off running. They don't get it.
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They think it's evil. [laughs]
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Like you will never see
a Black magician, bro, ever,
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because we think it's the fucking devil.
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But my friend did send me
one Black magician
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on Twitter the other day,
and this motherfucker
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was the most nigger-ish magician
I've ever seen.
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This motherfucker turned a dove
into a spicy chicken sandwich.
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- [crowd laughs]
- [kitten meows]
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- I'm like, "That's Black magic." [laughs]
- [crowd laughing]
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All right, thank you all.
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- [cheering and applause]
- [Tony] Hell yeah.
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[laughing] That's hilarious.
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[David] Hell yeah, Tony.
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Spicy chicken.
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I know you're horny as hell
sitting next to Matt Rife.
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[laughter]
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- Oh, my God.
- Tony pussy wet as hell.
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- [laughing]
- [crowd laughing]
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- I mean, it is.
- [David laughs]
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This... This is adorable.
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You're the world's largest
olive right now, David.
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- [David laughs]
- [drum sting plays]
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And you are the world's
gayest lesbian right now.
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- Nigga, get the fuck up!
- Oh...
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[David laughing]
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- Oh, my God
- I like it, Tony. You got on blue.
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[laughing]
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[Tony] What's it like being at a garden?
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And I know you normally avoid those
'cause you hate vegetables and fruits.
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[David laughs]
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He thought it was Olive Garden.
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[laughter]
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Mark Normand. You look like a puppy
waiting to get adopted.
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- Bitch, shut your ass!
- [laughter]
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[David] That motherfucker look like
a shelter dog, nigga.
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Let me talk in your language.
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[barks]
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[laughs]
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[Mark] With the green,
you look like Shrek.
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- [laughter]
- [guitar sting plays]
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I like the dreads, Blob Marley.
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[David laughs loudly]
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Blob Marley.
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[audience cheering]
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- All right, that's enough, motherfucker.
- [Tony] Let's go!
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[laughs]
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Y'all niggas coming
for my neck tonight, nigga.
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Y'all coming
for the neck I ain't got, huh? Bitch.
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[laughter]
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Fuck you! Fuck you, Matt Rife
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- and Tony. Fuck you.
- [Matt] What did I do?
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I don't know. You look like
a love child from Ellen DeGeneres.
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00:09:53,805 --> 00:09:55,970
- [laughter]
- [guitar sting plays]
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00:09:55,971 --> 00:09:58,670
Okay, Karl-Anthony Pounds.
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00:09:58,671 --> 00:10:00,637
- [laughter]
- [Mark] Ah!
205
00:10:00,638 --> 00:10:03,004
[David] We call you
Ellen the Genderless, nigga.
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00:10:03,005 --> 00:10:04,070
[laughter]
207
00:10:04,071 --> 00:10:06,070
You're wearing the tent you sleep in.
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00:10:06,071 --> 00:10:07,770
[laughter]
209
00:10:07,771 --> 00:10:10,270
You look like a sexual
harassment-proof woman.
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00:10:10,271 --> 00:10:12,270
- Nigga, your ass--
- [laughter]
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00:10:12,271 --> 00:10:13,937
That motherfucker ain't got no pussy.
212
00:10:13,938 --> 00:10:15,637
It's just like one of them Barbie dolls.
213
00:10:15,638 --> 00:10:17,970
It's just flat nigga.
214
00:10:17,971 --> 00:10:19,771
[laughing]
215
00:10:20,638 --> 00:10:23,371
Look at that nigga.
Team Edward-looking ass. Boy, your ass.
216
00:10:24,338 --> 00:10:27,037
Twilight, the TV show on tube,
you nigga. Your ass...
217
00:10:27,038 --> 00:10:29,505
[laughter]
218
00:10:30,705 --> 00:10:32,804
Mark Normand. Fuck you, bitch! [laughs]
219
00:10:32,805 --> 00:10:34,637
- Wow.
- What about you?
220
00:10:34,638 --> 00:10:38,404
Those pants, you put the--
You put the mo in camo.
221
00:10:38,405 --> 00:10:40,370
[David laughing]
222
00:10:40,371 --> 00:10:41,337
I don't even got a joke
223
00:10:41,338 --> 00:10:45,105
against your motherfucking
38 days sober looking ass.
224
00:10:45,771 --> 00:10:47,705
Abusive stepdaddy. [chuckles]
225
00:10:48,671 --> 00:10:50,004
You don't know your dad.
226
00:10:50,005 --> 00:10:52,305
- [laughter]
- [drum sting plays]
227
00:10:53,171 --> 00:10:56,505
I do know my dad. He's cremated
living in my garage right now.
228
00:10:57,305 --> 00:10:59,370
That's the truth. He's in a Nike shoebox.
229
00:10:59,371 --> 00:11:01,504
- [crowd laughing]
- [laughing] Oh, my God.
230
00:11:01,505 --> 00:11:02,637
[David chuckles]
231
00:11:02,638 --> 00:11:04,037
David is on fire.
232
00:11:04,038 --> 00:11:05,404
Even your dad's ashy.
233
00:11:05,405 --> 00:11:07,338
- [David laughs loudly]
- [drum sting plays]
234
00:11:08,671 --> 00:11:10,471
[guitar sting plays]
235
00:11:11,571 --> 00:11:13,905
Don't put that shit on Netflix.
That's racist.
236
00:11:14,638 --> 00:11:16,004
[laughs]
237
00:11:16,005 --> 00:11:19,237
- [Mark] Put it on there.
- Comedy.
238
00:11:19,238 --> 00:11:20,837
[laughs]
239
00:11:20,838 --> 00:11:23,904
[Tony] David, what do you like to do
when you're in New York City?
240
00:11:23,905 --> 00:11:27,170
We very rarely get to make it up here.
You live in Texas.
241
00:11:27,171 --> 00:11:29,004
But you're in Cali a lot.
242
00:11:29,005 --> 00:11:30,904
I like to eat pizza. [laughs]
243
00:11:30,905 --> 00:11:34,737
- [Tony] Wow.
- Pizza's good up here, bro.
244
00:11:34,738 --> 00:11:36,070
- [Tony] Yeah?
- Yeah.
245
00:11:36,071 --> 00:11:40,437
Why do you think it is that New York can
master pizza and everyone else struggles?
246
00:11:40,438 --> 00:11:43,304
You are our senior carbohydrate--
247
00:11:43,305 --> 00:11:45,005
[David laughing]
248
00:11:46,038 --> 00:11:47,437
All the immigrants.
249
00:11:47,438 --> 00:11:50,104
When they was coming from Europe and shit,
they landed in New York.
250
00:11:50,105 --> 00:11:52,837
- That's how we got the Statue of Liberty.
- [Tony] Wow, that's a little--
251
00:11:52,838 --> 00:11:55,804
Welcome to Black history
with David Lucas, everybody.
252
00:11:55,805 --> 00:11:57,904
- [laughter]
- Man, these motherfuckers come over.
253
00:11:57,905 --> 00:12:00,537
- That's how we got the Statue of Liberty.
- [laughs]
254
00:12:00,538 --> 00:12:02,804
Ain't that how we got
the Statue of Liberty?
255
00:12:02,805 --> 00:12:05,238
Wasn't it in, like, a trade or some shit?
256
00:12:06,405 --> 00:12:08,704
How did we get--
It was a present from France, right?
257
00:12:08,705 --> 00:12:10,770
- [Tony] Yeah.
- Yeah, but that ain't Italian.
258
00:12:10,771 --> 00:12:13,271
Shit. I don't know how we got pizza.
You got me beat.
259
00:12:14,038 --> 00:12:15,370
Yeah, that's just-- I don't know, nigga.
260
00:12:15,371 --> 00:12:17,671
I don't know
why New York is so good at pizza.
261
00:12:18,505 --> 00:12:20,870
But Mexicans make it,
that's the crazy part.
262
00:12:20,871 --> 00:12:22,471
[crowd laughing]
263
00:12:23,071 --> 00:12:24,170
[Mark] Not for long.
264
00:12:24,171 --> 00:12:26,038
[laughing]
265
00:12:27,605 --> 00:12:28,638
[Tony] He's joking.
266
00:12:29,305 --> 00:12:31,904
- Can I get some more ice?
- [David laughing]
267
00:12:31,905 --> 00:12:34,404
This nigga Mark Normand crazy. [laughing]
268
00:12:34,405 --> 00:12:37,070
David Lucas's Netflix debut.
269
00:12:37,071 --> 00:12:41,737
- Netflix debut. Hell yeah.
- Normally on TLC.
270
00:12:41,738 --> 00:12:43,170
Lift your arm up again.
271
00:12:43,171 --> 00:12:46,037
- My 600-lb Life.
- [David chuckles]
272
00:12:46,038 --> 00:12:48,737
Matt Rife put his microphone down.
Thank God.
273
00:12:48,738 --> 00:12:49,837
[Tony laughing]
274
00:12:49,838 --> 00:12:53,338
That nigga itching
to put on a Tony Robbins headset.
275
00:12:54,505 --> 00:12:56,238
[laughter]
276
00:12:56,871 --> 00:12:57,770
[Matt] I love it.
277
00:12:57,771 --> 00:13:00,970
Speaking of Robbins, what else
are you doing while you're in New York?
278
00:13:00,971 --> 00:13:02,938
- [laughter]
- [drum sting plays]
279
00:13:04,405 --> 00:13:06,304
I'm chilling, bro.
I ain't doing shit, bro.
280
00:13:06,305 --> 00:13:09,270
Shout out to Netflix,
they don't put a nigga on TV.
281
00:13:09,271 --> 00:13:12,637
I'm so late, but David wears
a Baskin Robbins headset.
282
00:13:12,638 --> 00:13:14,070
[laughter]
283
00:13:14,071 --> 00:13:16,237
- So late.
- [David snickers]
284
00:13:16,238 --> 00:13:17,304
[Tony] Would you ever--
285
00:13:17,305 --> 00:13:18,338
- Sorry.
- It's all right.
286
00:13:19,638 --> 00:13:22,504
Man, get your albino Avatar-looking ass
up out of here, man.
287
00:13:22,505 --> 00:13:23,970
What the fuck wrong with you?
288
00:13:23,971 --> 00:13:25,537
[Tony] What do you eat for breakfast?
289
00:13:25,538 --> 00:13:26,870
Nothing.
290
00:13:26,871 --> 00:13:29,870
- Okay. No one believes that.
- I don't eat breakfast.
291
00:13:29,871 --> 00:13:31,538
I make up the calories at lunch.
292
00:13:32,238 --> 00:13:34,204
- [Tony] Froot Loops?
- Huh?
293
00:13:34,205 --> 00:13:35,404
[Tony] Froot Loops?
294
00:13:35,405 --> 00:13:37,270
No, I ain't ate cereal in a long time.
295
00:13:37,271 --> 00:13:38,270
[Mark] It's not Ozempic.
296
00:13:38,271 --> 00:13:41,537
[laughter]
297
00:13:41,538 --> 00:13:43,537
David so much fun, man.
298
00:13:43,538 --> 00:13:47,537
- Hell yeah. Appreciate it, man.
- The legend of the show, David Lucas.
299
00:13:47,538 --> 00:13:49,837
- [cheering and applause]
- One of the greatest. Not one of.
300
00:13:49,838 --> 00:13:53,537
Probably truly the greatest golden ticket
winner in the history of the show.
301
00:13:53,538 --> 00:13:56,904
He's proven himself so many damn times.
302
00:13:56,905 --> 00:14:01,270
The most used Golden Ticket winner,
the most cash-ins ever.
303
00:14:01,271 --> 00:14:04,270
And it's almost always
at the top of an episode.
304
00:14:04,271 --> 00:14:07,237
This guy knows how to get a party
started better than anybody.
305
00:14:07,238 --> 00:14:11,137
This is a minute uninterrupted
from the great Martin Phillips, everybody.
306
00:14:11,138 --> 00:14:13,937
- Here we go. Here we go.
- [cheering and applause]
307
00:14:13,938 --> 00:14:16,171
[band plays intro music]
308
00:14:20,771 --> 00:14:21,904
Hey.
309
00:14:21,905 --> 00:14:23,570
{\an8}Hey. Cool.
310
00:14:23,571 --> 00:14:25,504
{\an8}What's going on? What's up?
311
00:14:25,505 --> 00:14:27,337
{\an8}[crowd cheering]
312
00:14:27,338 --> 00:14:28,671
Say...
313
00:14:29,505 --> 00:14:31,704
Cool. Um...
314
00:14:31,705 --> 00:14:35,270
Uh, Jesus was a carpenter.
315
00:14:35,271 --> 00:14:38,470
So do you think,
when he was carrying the cross,
316
00:14:38,471 --> 00:14:41,870
he was like,
"Who built this piece of shit?"
317
00:14:41,871 --> 00:14:43,270
[laughter]
318
00:14:43,271 --> 00:14:46,937
"I have to die on poor craftsmanship."
319
00:14:46,938 --> 00:14:52,005
"It's like getting splinters, 'cause they
didn't even sand this, you know."
320
00:14:53,505 --> 00:15:00,304
Anyway, I see these videos online
of dudes masturbating and all.
321
00:15:00,305 --> 00:15:03,704
I can never watch it, because I'd be like,
322
00:15:03,705 --> 00:15:06,404
"Bro's doing it all wrong," you know.
323
00:15:06,405 --> 00:15:09,104
"This guy does it weird," you know.
324
00:15:09,105 --> 00:15:12,170
And they show the video
from the neck down.
325
00:15:12,171 --> 00:15:16,504
But I feel like if it was me,
people would still know it was me.
326
00:15:16,505 --> 00:15:18,037
You know what I'm saying?
327
00:15:18,038 --> 00:15:20,270
You can't blur my face.
328
00:15:20,271 --> 00:15:23,504
You have to blur my entire body, you know.
And it's...
329
00:15:23,505 --> 00:15:26,204
- [kitten meows]
- Okay. Cool. Okay.
330
00:15:26,205 --> 00:15:28,570
[cheering and applause]
331
00:15:28,571 --> 00:15:30,338
Martin Phillips.
332
00:15:32,571 --> 00:15:34,970
I love it. Martin, you're doing it.
333
00:15:34,971 --> 00:15:35,904
Yeah, yeah.
334
00:15:35,905 --> 00:15:37,370
How do you feel, buddy?
335
00:15:37,371 --> 00:15:39,637
Good. It's a good night.
336
00:15:39,638 --> 00:15:42,937
Is that a special store you have to go to
to get a shirt like that?
337
00:15:42,938 --> 00:15:45,437
Nice shirt. Yes. Nice shirt.
338
00:15:45,438 --> 00:15:48,870
Is this your first time
wearing those suits, you know?
339
00:15:48,871 --> 00:15:52,070
- Oh, well, actually, it's not.
- [drum sting plays]
340
00:15:52,071 --> 00:15:55,237
I wore a suit last time
I was at Madison Square Garden.
341
00:15:55,238 --> 00:15:56,671
[Martin] Oh, I forgot.
342
00:15:57,638 --> 00:15:59,270
It's a special event.
343
00:15:59,271 --> 00:16:01,037
- Don't look it up.
- Okay.
344
00:16:01,038 --> 00:16:03,070
[laughter]
345
00:16:03,071 --> 00:16:05,837
- I got it now. Yeah.
- [Tony] Got it.
346
00:16:05,838 --> 00:16:07,937
I had nothing to do with that.
347
00:16:07,938 --> 00:16:10,170
- I had no idea.
- [Tony] That's right.
348
00:16:10,171 --> 00:16:12,070
- Not involved.
- Absolutely.
349
00:16:12,071 --> 00:16:15,504
Martin, how do you feel?
You're at Madison Square Garden right now.
350
00:16:15,505 --> 00:16:17,371
- I feel good. Yeah.
- [crowd cheering]
351
00:16:17,971 --> 00:16:19,770
Yeah, it's cool, you know.
352
00:16:19,771 --> 00:16:23,270
I know this is for Netflix.
353
00:16:23,271 --> 00:16:24,437
You know what?
354
00:16:24,438 --> 00:16:28,370
I have a few TV show and movie ideas...
355
00:16:28,371 --> 00:16:30,604
- Oh, great.
- ...I would like to pitch.
356
00:16:30,605 --> 00:16:32,070
No better time.
357
00:16:32,071 --> 00:16:34,504
Netflix execs
all in these suites all around us.
358
00:16:34,505 --> 00:16:37,704
- Go right ahead.
- Okay. Here's the TV show.
359
00:16:37,705 --> 00:16:40,004
Without an explanation,
360
00:16:40,005 --> 00:16:44,404
this guy wakes up and he's Adolf Hitler.
361
00:16:44,405 --> 00:16:45,938
- [laughter]
- [drum plays]
362
00:16:46,505 --> 00:16:50,037
And at first, it's pretty jarring,
363
00:16:50,038 --> 00:16:52,437
but then he comes to terms
364
00:16:52,438 --> 00:16:57,237
and decides to do the opposite
and do positives,
365
00:16:57,238 --> 00:17:00,205
and I call it "Good Hitler."
366
00:17:00,971 --> 00:17:03,570
- [Netflix intro sting plays]
- [laughter]
367
00:17:03,571 --> 00:17:05,804
We're getting worried.
You hear that noise?
368
00:17:05,805 --> 00:17:07,937
That means they have already approved it.
369
00:17:07,938 --> 00:17:11,103
You can catch Good Hitler
later this year on Netflix.
370
00:17:11,104 --> 00:17:12,870
Mark Normand.
371
00:17:12,871 --> 00:17:14,504
I know you're pitching to Netflix,
372
00:17:14,505 --> 00:17:16,970
but I feel like you'd be
more suited for Twitch.
373
00:17:16,971 --> 00:17:18,871
- [laughter]
- [drum sting plays]
374
00:17:20,505 --> 00:17:22,470
I saw him earlier eating a Chick Shack.
375
00:17:22,471 --> 00:17:25,603
- But, um, you know... All right.
- [laughter]
376
00:17:25,604 --> 00:17:27,937
[Tony] He definitely can't Hulu hoop.
377
00:17:27,938 --> 00:17:29,237
- [laughter]
- Hulu...
378
00:17:29,238 --> 00:17:30,870
Oh, nothing. Great. I'm bombing.
379
00:17:30,871 --> 00:17:32,937
- Okay, great.
- [laughter]
380
00:17:32,938 --> 00:17:34,237
I love it.
381
00:17:34,238 --> 00:17:37,737
Well, you got any other pitches
for Netflix? This is your big chance.
382
00:17:37,738 --> 00:17:41,270
Okay. Here is a movie idea. Okay?
383
00:17:41,271 --> 00:17:44,737
So, the world is ending,
384
00:17:44,738 --> 00:17:48,770
and there was, like,
this top government official.
385
00:17:48,771 --> 00:17:53,037
He goes out with this girl,
and one of his friends was like,
386
00:17:53,038 --> 00:17:57,404
"Hey, her ass is out of this world."
387
00:17:57,405 --> 00:18:00,270
And at first he's like, "It's okay."
388
00:18:00,271 --> 00:18:04,637
But then he sleeps with her
and he sees her ass,
389
00:18:04,638 --> 00:18:06,704
and it's like a blinding light,
390
00:18:06,705 --> 00:18:11,604
because it's a portal
to another dimension.
391
00:18:11,605 --> 00:18:15,804
So the world has to go
392
00:18:15,805 --> 00:18:19,004
through her ass to be saved,
393
00:18:19,005 --> 00:18:24,070
and she sacrifices herself
for the common good.
394
00:18:24,071 --> 00:18:27,504
- [crowd cheering]
- And... But at the end-- [chuckles]
395
00:18:27,505 --> 00:18:30,204
Let me finish. Let me finish. All right.
396
00:18:30,205 --> 00:18:33,570
At the end, with the guy,
before he goes in--
397
00:18:33,571 --> 00:18:35,937
- [Netflix intro sting plays]
- They love it. Netflix just picked it up.
398
00:18:35,938 --> 00:18:38,137
- [laughter]
- Unbelievable. No, go ahead and finish.
399
00:18:38,138 --> 00:18:40,770
Well, anyway, before he goes in her ass,
400
00:18:40,771 --> 00:18:43,837
he goes, "You're out of this world."
401
00:18:43,838 --> 00:18:46,270
And it's called "Out of This World."
402
00:18:46,271 --> 00:18:48,637
- Wow! Hit it again.
- [Netflix intro sting plays]
403
00:18:48,638 --> 00:18:50,970
That is approved. Straight to print.
404
00:18:50,971 --> 00:18:52,037
Mark Normand.
405
00:18:52,038 --> 00:18:53,970
That was longer than The Irishman.
406
00:18:53,971 --> 00:18:55,437
[laughter]
407
00:18:55,438 --> 00:18:58,770
- But better. But better, right? Better.
- That's true.
408
00:18:58,771 --> 00:19:02,404
Martin, is there anything fun
you like to do in New York City?
409
00:19:02,405 --> 00:19:05,170
- Anywhere you like to waddle to?
- You know what?
410
00:19:05,171 --> 00:19:09,504
I love to see a good Broadway show.
You know?
411
00:19:09,505 --> 00:19:11,438
- Ooh. Okay.
- Yeah. yeah.
412
00:19:12,105 --> 00:19:13,170
- All right.
- Yeah.
413
00:19:13,171 --> 00:19:14,637
What are you seeing?
414
00:19:14,638 --> 00:19:17,404
Tomorrow, I'm seeing this thing,
415
00:19:17,405 --> 00:19:22,504
it's called Operation Mincemeat,
and Nazis are in it.
416
00:19:22,505 --> 00:19:26,104
So it's perfect for my interest, I guess.
417
00:19:26,105 --> 00:19:28,704
- Yeah.
- Wow! Very interesting.
418
00:19:28,705 --> 00:19:30,337
- Yeah.
- Very interesting.
419
00:19:30,338 --> 00:19:33,237
- I love it.
- [crowd cheering]
420
00:19:33,238 --> 00:19:35,437
Thank you so much.
That's the way to do it.
421
00:19:35,438 --> 00:19:37,304
All right. This is it.
422
00:19:37,305 --> 00:19:39,804
Bucket pull number one.
423
00:19:39,805 --> 00:19:43,370
- Here we go. Zabrina Douglas.
- [band plays intro music]
424
00:19:43,371 --> 00:19:45,071
Zabrina.
425
00:19:51,938 --> 00:19:53,270
Whoo!
426
00:19:53,271 --> 00:19:55,737
What's up, New York City?
427
00:19:55,738 --> 00:19:58,205
- [crowd cheering]
- Whoo!
428
00:19:59,171 --> 00:20:00,770
I'm excited to be here.
429
00:20:00,771 --> 00:20:03,270
Why? Because I have kids.
430
00:20:03,271 --> 00:20:04,905
They're so annoying.
431
00:20:05,605 --> 00:20:07,404
Like, I'm literally not a comedian.
432
00:20:07,405 --> 00:20:10,070
I just needed an excuse
to leave the house.
433
00:20:10,071 --> 00:20:13,137
I was like, "Mama's got to go
to Madison Square Gardens."
434
00:20:13,138 --> 00:20:17,571
"There's some white people,
they want to know about our lives."
435
00:20:18,138 --> 00:20:20,637
"They want to know about
Brampton Black people."
436
00:20:20,638 --> 00:20:22,605
"I'm the only one left."
437
00:20:23,471 --> 00:20:25,604
In Canada. That's cool.
438
00:20:25,605 --> 00:20:30,571
Uh... I have another job, obviously.
439
00:20:31,671 --> 00:20:34,504
I hate working. I have five kids.
440
00:20:34,505 --> 00:20:38,070
That's why I hate it.
441
00:20:38,071 --> 00:20:40,070
[laughs]
442
00:20:40,071 --> 00:20:42,270
- [scattered shouting]
- [laughs]
443
00:20:42,271 --> 00:20:43,904
You hate that I have five kids?
444
00:20:43,905 --> 00:20:45,770
Why do I have five kids, you ask?
445
00:20:45,771 --> 00:20:49,671
Canadian maternity leave is so addictive.
446
00:20:51,171 --> 00:20:54,237
One year off with pay. I couldn't stop.
447
00:20:54,238 --> 00:20:55,337
[kitten meows]
448
00:20:55,338 --> 00:20:56,837
Then the kids start talking.
449
00:20:56,838 --> 00:20:59,705
You're like, "Oh, my God,
it was never worth the money."
450
00:21:00,638 --> 00:21:02,870
"Why are you still living in the house?"
451
00:21:02,871 --> 00:21:04,204
[chuckles]
452
00:21:04,205 --> 00:21:05,804
- All right.
- [Tony] All right.
453
00:21:05,805 --> 00:21:08,737
- Zabrina Douglas, I'm gonna save you here.
- Oh!
454
00:21:08,738 --> 00:21:12,837
I don't know how you got Redban's glasses
over there, but that's incredible.
455
00:21:12,838 --> 00:21:14,004
Hi, Zabrina.
456
00:21:14,005 --> 00:21:16,070
- Hey. How are you, Tony?
- Great.
457
00:21:16,071 --> 00:21:17,437
I love you.
458
00:21:17,438 --> 00:21:20,804
And you and you on The View.
459
00:21:20,805 --> 00:21:22,737
[laughter]
460
00:21:22,738 --> 00:21:25,070
I'm pretty sure
there's three of you on there.
461
00:21:25,071 --> 00:21:28,204
It's fantastic to meet you.
I know that's shot here in New York.
462
00:21:28,205 --> 00:21:29,870
How long you been doing standup?
463
00:21:29,871 --> 00:21:31,837
Been doing it on and off for 15 years.
464
00:21:31,838 --> 00:21:32,970
[Tony] Fifteen years.
465
00:21:32,971 --> 00:21:34,804
All of it here in New York City?
466
00:21:34,805 --> 00:21:36,837
No, I'm from Canada.
467
00:21:36,838 --> 00:21:38,204
- [laughter]
- Oh, no.
468
00:21:38,205 --> 00:21:39,737
[crowd booing]
469
00:21:39,738 --> 00:21:43,070
I will allow you to boo
as loud as you want,
470
00:21:43,071 --> 00:21:44,470
Madison Square Garden.
471
00:21:44,471 --> 00:21:48,937
- [crowd booing]
- [Zabrina] Oh!
472
00:21:48,938 --> 00:21:52,104
- [Tony] Oh, my goodness gracious.
- [laughs]
473
00:21:52,105 --> 00:21:53,170
[wolf howling]
474
00:21:53,171 --> 00:21:54,104
[Tony] Canadian.
475
00:21:54,105 --> 00:21:56,270
You said
there's no Black people in Canada.
476
00:21:56,271 --> 00:21:57,737
- But Trudeau--
- Brown people.
477
00:21:57,738 --> 00:22:00,204
- I'm the only one left.
- Oh. Really?
478
00:22:00,205 --> 00:22:02,504
Justin Trudeau is brown once a year.
479
00:22:02,505 --> 00:22:04,237
- Yeah.
- [laughter]
480
00:22:04,238 --> 00:22:06,304
- Uh... He doesn't count.
- All right.
481
00:22:06,305 --> 00:22:07,570
[laughing] Yeah.
482
00:22:07,571 --> 00:22:08,737
Absolutely amazing.
483
00:22:08,738 --> 00:22:11,570
- What do you do for work up in Canada?
- I'm a nurse.
484
00:22:11,571 --> 00:22:14,570
- Oh, a Canadian nurse. Wow!
- [crowd cheering]
485
00:22:14,571 --> 00:22:16,070
Free healthcare up there.
486
00:22:16,071 --> 00:22:18,204
How's that working out for everybody?
487
00:22:18,205 --> 00:22:21,137
Uh... Not good. I do this for a living...
488
00:22:21,138 --> 00:22:23,970
- Right.
- ...so you can imagine how it's going.
489
00:22:23,971 --> 00:22:25,637
- Yeah.
- [laughing] Yeah.
490
00:22:25,638 --> 00:22:28,870
Uh, where in Canada exactly are you?
491
00:22:28,871 --> 00:22:30,004
I'm from Brampton.
492
00:22:30,005 --> 00:22:32,470
It's like 45 minutes away from Toronto.
493
00:22:32,471 --> 00:22:34,770
- [crowd booing]
- Okay. Are there a lot of...
494
00:22:34,771 --> 00:22:39,770
Ooh! People specifically don't like
Brampton, Ontario, Canada.
495
00:22:39,771 --> 00:22:40,904
[laughter]
496
00:22:40,905 --> 00:22:45,204
New Yorkers, they're just like,
"I've never heard of it. Boo!"
497
00:22:45,205 --> 00:22:48,938
- [laughter]
- "That ain't one of the boroughs. Boo."
498
00:22:49,738 --> 00:22:51,504
"I bet their pizza sucks."
499
00:22:51,505 --> 00:22:54,370
"I bet they don't even
like blow jobs there."
500
00:22:54,371 --> 00:22:56,304
- [Zabrina] Oh, no.
- [laughter]
501
00:22:56,305 --> 00:22:58,437
"All Brampton, no blow job."
502
00:22:58,438 --> 00:23:00,404
"Canada can go fuck itself."
503
00:23:00,405 --> 00:23:02,237
[Zabrina] Russell Peters' from there.
504
00:23:02,238 --> 00:23:03,404
[Tony] Oh, okay.
505
00:23:03,405 --> 00:23:05,870
Nobody likes Russell Peters?
506
00:23:05,871 --> 00:23:06,837
[Tony] All right?
507
00:23:06,838 --> 00:23:08,938
- [mixed cheers and boos]
- [laughs]
508
00:23:09,638 --> 00:23:12,237
I don't like him either. [laughs]
509
00:23:12,238 --> 00:23:13,371
All right, all right.
510
00:23:14,238 --> 00:23:15,405
What do you do for fun?
511
00:23:16,505 --> 00:23:19,837
Well, I have my kids,
so I spend most of the time with my kids.
512
00:23:19,838 --> 00:23:22,870
- We hang out. We went to Coney Island.
- [crowd booing]
513
00:23:22,871 --> 00:23:24,670
- [laughing]
- [Tony] Oh, my goodness.
514
00:23:24,671 --> 00:23:26,304
Oh, wow!
515
00:23:26,305 --> 00:23:28,337
This crowd is ruthless.
516
00:23:28,338 --> 00:23:30,304
- Yeah, they don't like it.
- [laughter]
517
00:23:30,305 --> 00:23:33,337
Your kids are gonna see you
on Netflix, though. That's cool.
518
00:23:33,338 --> 00:23:35,837
Oh, no, this is not on Netflix, is it?
519
00:23:35,838 --> 00:23:37,404
[Tony laughing] Yeah.
520
00:23:37,405 --> 00:23:39,504
- Oh, shit.
- [laughter]
521
00:23:39,505 --> 00:23:41,637
[Mark] What'd you think this was, BET?
522
00:23:41,638 --> 00:23:42,804
[laughter]
523
00:23:42,805 --> 00:23:44,504
Look at those out there.
524
00:23:44,505 --> 00:23:47,604
- What's BET? I'm from Brampton.
- [Mark] Oh, right, right.
525
00:23:47,605 --> 00:23:49,504
[Tony] She would be on BET Plus.
526
00:23:49,505 --> 00:23:50,937
- Right, right.
- [laughter]
527
00:23:50,938 --> 00:23:52,405
[drum sting plays]
528
00:23:53,238 --> 00:23:55,404
Amazing. Well, it is true.
529
00:23:55,405 --> 00:23:57,970
You, uh... You did do...
530
00:23:57,971 --> 00:23:59,337
You did that set.
531
00:23:59,338 --> 00:24:01,370
[Zabrina] Yeah, I did. [laughs]
532
00:24:01,371 --> 00:24:03,237
That's the one that you went with.
533
00:24:03,238 --> 00:24:05,837
I know. My one minute. I tried.
534
00:24:05,838 --> 00:24:08,804
You watch the show?
You understand what you signed up for?
535
00:24:08,805 --> 00:24:09,937
Yeah, of course.
536
00:24:09,938 --> 00:24:12,537
A very courageous move,
especially for a Canadian.
537
00:24:12,538 --> 00:24:15,570
Here's a little joke book.
We're gonna keep it moving along.
538
00:24:15,571 --> 00:24:17,237
- Ah!
- Oh, you almost had it.
539
00:24:17,238 --> 00:24:21,704
The Canadian athleticism
of Zabrina Douglas, everybody.
540
00:24:21,705 --> 00:24:25,637
You don't really hear much of them
during the Olympics or anything.
541
00:24:25,638 --> 00:24:28,537
Canada. A very weak country.
542
00:24:28,538 --> 00:24:30,170
I mean, it's just unbelievable.
543
00:24:30,171 --> 00:24:32,670
Luckily, we will always protect them.
544
00:24:32,671 --> 00:24:38,004
Even if they boo our national anthem
at a hockey game, we will protect them.
545
00:24:38,005 --> 00:24:41,004
Remember that, Canada. It's...
546
00:24:41,005 --> 00:24:43,138
Your fate is in our hands.
547
00:24:44,438 --> 00:24:46,070
[laughs]
548
00:24:46,071 --> 00:24:50,538
Make some noise for the Netflix debut
and the long awaited return...
549
00:24:51,171 --> 00:24:53,737
Sing it if you know the words.
550
00:24:53,738 --> 00:24:55,670
This is Hans Kim.
551
00:24:55,671 --> 00:24:57,905
- [band plays intro music]
- [cheering and applause]
552
00:25:03,971 --> 00:25:08,337
{\an8}Hey. Good to be in New York.
553
00:25:08,338 --> 00:25:12,538
{\an8}I went to one of your protests
that you guys do here every weekend.
554
00:25:13,971 --> 00:25:15,537
Yeah, I drove right through it.
555
00:25:15,538 --> 00:25:17,471
[laughter]
556
00:25:20,105 --> 00:25:22,004
Yeah, they were blocking the highway,
557
00:25:22,005 --> 00:25:25,538
fucking wearing orange vests
and hard hats, mixing concrete.
558
00:25:28,105 --> 00:25:29,737
I was like, "Fuck Palestine!"
559
00:25:29,738 --> 00:25:31,305
[laughter]
560
00:25:34,605 --> 00:25:37,737
I did something a feminist could
never do today. I came.
561
00:25:37,738 --> 00:25:39,671
[laughter]
562
00:25:40,938 --> 00:25:44,238
Every time a man comes, the feminist
armpit hair gets a little bit longer.
563
00:25:46,371 --> 00:25:48,870
But yeah, I love how Black people
564
00:25:48,871 --> 00:25:51,737
will charge their phone anywhere
but inside their homes.
565
00:25:51,738 --> 00:25:54,005
[laughter]
566
00:25:54,871 --> 00:25:57,205
"My battery's getting low.
Time to go out."
567
00:26:00,505 --> 00:26:03,137
Yeah, other than that,
I'm doing pretty good.
568
00:26:03,138 --> 00:26:05,270
- [kitten meows]
- There's the cat.
569
00:26:05,271 --> 00:26:06,704
Thank you guys so much.
570
00:26:06,705 --> 00:26:10,370
- [Tony] Hans Kim. Coming in strong.
- [cheering and applause]
571
00:26:10,371 --> 00:26:12,837
Great jokes, Hanzee boy.
572
00:26:12,838 --> 00:26:13,837
Thank you, Tony.
573
00:26:13,838 --> 00:26:15,904
- Amazing.
- That was awesome.
574
00:26:15,905 --> 00:26:17,470
I really appreciate that.
575
00:26:17,471 --> 00:26:18,637
I love you.
576
00:26:18,638 --> 00:26:20,505
[laughs] I love you, too, buddy.
577
00:26:21,005 --> 00:26:21,970
How you feeling?
578
00:26:21,971 --> 00:26:24,470
I feel great. My sex life is amazing.
579
00:26:24,471 --> 00:26:25,870
Okay.
580
00:26:25,871 --> 00:26:27,837
Let's talk about it. What do you mean?
581
00:26:27,838 --> 00:26:31,604
I've recently started calling
my girlfriend "mommy" in bed.
582
00:26:31,605 --> 00:26:32,904
[Tony] Ooh!
583
00:26:32,905 --> 00:26:36,237
That's kind of a new thing. I'm...
It's kind of progressive.
584
00:26:36,238 --> 00:26:39,637
I'm sure Matt knows a lot about that. Sex.
585
00:26:39,638 --> 00:26:40,971
[laughter]
586
00:26:42,038 --> 00:26:43,504
Sex talk.
587
00:26:43,505 --> 00:26:45,970
You're assuming
because he's a great-looking guy
588
00:26:45,971 --> 00:26:47,970
that he knows all about sex?
589
00:26:47,971 --> 00:26:51,270
Yeah, sometimes I pretend I'm Matt Rife
when I'm in bed.
590
00:26:51,271 --> 00:26:52,570
- [laughter]
- Oh!
591
00:26:52,571 --> 00:26:55,070
- What do you do?
- You're Matt Life.
592
00:26:55,071 --> 00:26:57,038
[laughter]
593
00:26:58,238 --> 00:27:01,370
I sell insurance in bed, um...
594
00:27:01,371 --> 00:27:04,437
I just ask him
to do some crowd work on my girl,
595
00:27:04,438 --> 00:27:07,070
I guess, when I'm in bed. [chuckles]
596
00:27:07,071 --> 00:27:08,337
A'ight.
597
00:27:08,338 --> 00:27:11,270
But other than that, you know,
I went to a Crif Dog today.
598
00:27:11,271 --> 00:27:14,904
It was just hot dogs.
I thought it was actual dogs.
599
00:27:14,905 --> 00:27:17,337
But other than that,
I'm doing pretty good.
600
00:27:17,338 --> 00:27:20,004
[Tony] I love it, Hans. Fantastic.
601
00:27:20,005 --> 00:27:20,970
That's great.
602
00:27:20,971 --> 00:27:22,237
You love New York, huh?
603
00:27:22,238 --> 00:27:24,437
Yeah. New York, New York.
604
00:27:24,438 --> 00:27:26,605
- Uh...
- [crowd cheering]
605
00:27:27,671 --> 00:27:29,237
Yeah. This is a great city,
606
00:27:29,238 --> 00:27:33,337
uh, if you want to live in a van,
do open mic comedy.
607
00:27:33,338 --> 00:27:35,304
I did that for a couple of years here.
608
00:27:35,305 --> 00:27:37,237
It was great. The people are amazing.
609
00:27:37,238 --> 00:27:39,638
The subway stations could use some work.
610
00:27:41,638 --> 00:27:44,470
Yeah, this is a great city,
and you guys are doing great.
611
00:27:44,471 --> 00:27:45,770
Keep it up.
612
00:27:45,771 --> 00:27:50,037
Look at that. Hans Kim
playing right into the crowd.
613
00:27:50,038 --> 00:27:52,470
You must love it here.
You have your own town.
614
00:27:52,471 --> 00:27:54,071
[laughter]
615
00:27:55,205 --> 00:27:56,637
- Chinatown.
- [Tony] Yeah.
616
00:27:56,638 --> 00:27:58,237
Do you visit Chinatown?
617
00:27:58,238 --> 00:28:00,404
Do you just go there and party hard?
618
00:28:00,405 --> 00:28:02,437
Yeah. I feel like a white person there.
619
00:28:02,438 --> 00:28:04,104
[laughter]
620
00:28:04,105 --> 00:28:07,137
- What are you?
- Uh, Korean.
621
00:28:07,138 --> 00:28:09,604
- South Korean.
- [Mark] Oh, shit.
622
00:28:09,605 --> 00:28:11,870
- [drum sting plays]
- My bad. A real Squid Game.
623
00:28:11,871 --> 00:28:13,671
- Okay.
- [laughter]
624
00:28:14,205 --> 00:28:16,537
You're doing great.
I wish you could see this.
625
00:28:16,538 --> 00:28:17,770
You can open your eyes.
626
00:28:17,771 --> 00:28:19,470
[laughter]
627
00:28:19,471 --> 00:28:20,705
[Tony laughs]
628
00:28:22,471 --> 00:28:23,705
[Tony] Yeah.
629
00:28:25,705 --> 00:28:28,037
That's the biggest my eyes
have ever looked over there.
630
00:28:28,038 --> 00:28:29,070
That's true.
631
00:28:29,071 --> 00:28:32,470
There is a big giant screen
with your eyes kind of open.
632
00:28:32,471 --> 00:28:36,037
You look like you're in round 11
of a boxing match on those.
633
00:28:36,038 --> 00:28:37,138
[laughter]
634
00:28:37,871 --> 00:28:39,071
It is incredible.
635
00:28:40,038 --> 00:28:41,370
Uh...
636
00:28:41,371 --> 00:28:44,237
It's fun. Everyone's wearing
this olive green tonight.
637
00:28:44,238 --> 00:28:47,070
What is-- What's going on?
What made you go green tonight, Hans?
638
00:28:47,071 --> 00:28:49,704
I'm just going for, like,
the New York comedian look.
639
00:28:49,705 --> 00:28:51,870
You know, simple. Just solid colors.
640
00:28:51,871 --> 00:28:54,870
Just like, you know,
"I'm ugly" kind of look.
641
00:28:54,871 --> 00:28:57,337
- [laughter]
- Yeah. Playing right into it.
642
00:28:57,338 --> 00:29:01,037
What made you start calling
your girlfriend "Mommy" in bed?
643
00:29:01,038 --> 00:29:04,037
Uh... Just, like, my issues.
644
00:29:04,038 --> 00:29:06,338
- [laughter]
- [Tony] Uh-huh.
645
00:29:07,905 --> 00:29:11,804
Just, like,
"Please, can I have sex with you, Mommy?"
646
00:29:11,805 --> 00:29:14,037
- [laughter]
- [chuckles]
647
00:29:14,038 --> 00:29:15,838
[Mark] So you're into Asian girls?
648
00:29:16,771 --> 00:29:17,970
[Mark] Kim Jong-Il.
649
00:29:17,971 --> 00:29:20,671
[laughter]
650
00:29:22,438 --> 00:29:24,037
It's just like a power thing, I think.
651
00:29:24,038 --> 00:29:26,770
I want to fuck someone
more powerful than me or something.
652
00:29:26,771 --> 00:29:29,138
- [Matt] I'm right here.
- [laughter]
653
00:29:30,738 --> 00:29:33,470
- I would love to, Matt.
- [laughs]
654
00:29:33,471 --> 00:29:36,437
- You guys. You guys.
- [laughter]
655
00:29:36,438 --> 00:29:39,804
Hans, such a great set.
Such a great interview.
656
00:29:39,805 --> 00:29:44,737
He's so half autistic and Asian
that he answers everything so honestly.
657
00:29:44,738 --> 00:29:46,504
- It's incredible.
- [cheering and applause]
658
00:29:46,505 --> 00:29:50,437
You are truly one of the great regulars
of the show's history.
659
00:29:50,438 --> 00:29:52,070
Thank you so much, Hans Kim.
660
00:29:52,071 --> 00:29:53,370
We're going to keep it moving along.
661
00:29:53,371 --> 00:29:55,104
The great Hans Kim, everyone.
662
00:29:55,105 --> 00:29:56,938
[cheering and applause]
663
00:30:00,371 --> 00:30:03,504
You know what? I feel like it's time
to go to the Legends Bucket.
664
00:30:03,505 --> 00:30:06,637
- What do you guys think, huh?
- [crowd cheering]
665
00:30:06,638 --> 00:30:10,571
Legend Bucket, pull number one.
666
00:30:11,705 --> 00:30:14,005
Okay, this is very exciting.
667
00:30:14,538 --> 00:30:21,404
This guy did both shows last year
here at Madison Square Garden.
668
00:30:21,405 --> 00:30:23,938
Both shows,
he ripped the roof off the joint.
669
00:30:24,605 --> 00:30:26,504
I'm not exaggerating when I tell you
670
00:30:26,505 --> 00:30:30,137
this is truly one of the best
comedians in the world.
671
00:30:30,138 --> 00:30:33,537
Ladies and gentlemen,
one of the true New York greats,
672
00:30:33,538 --> 00:30:36,970
make some noise
for the Madison Square Garden return
673
00:30:36,971 --> 00:30:38,904
of Jim Norton.
674
00:30:38,905 --> 00:30:40,970
- [cheering and applause]
- [band plays intro music]
675
00:30:40,971 --> 00:30:43,038
Oh, my God.
676
00:30:51,405 --> 00:30:53,970
{\an8}Thank you very much. That's very nice.
677
00:30:53,971 --> 00:30:55,805
{\an8}[crowd whooping]
678
00:30:57,605 --> 00:30:59,871
I... I liked Hulk Hogan.
679
00:31:00,638 --> 00:31:02,038
[laughter]
680
00:31:03,638 --> 00:31:05,137
And I said that to somebody.
681
00:31:05,138 --> 00:31:07,370
And they're like,
"You know, he was a racist."
682
00:31:07,371 --> 00:31:08,970
and I'm like,
well, how do I tell them that
683
00:31:08,971 --> 00:31:12,770
- that's why I liked Hulk Hogan.
- [laughter]
684
00:31:12,771 --> 00:31:14,370
[Mark laughs]
685
00:31:14,371 --> 00:31:16,604
I was watching a debate
today on Instagram.
686
00:31:16,605 --> 00:31:19,604
It was about the Air India plane crash
where everybody died,
687
00:31:19,605 --> 00:31:22,870
but the guy in Seat 11 A
walked away unscathed.
688
00:31:22,871 --> 00:31:27,404
So the debate was, would you want to be
the sole survivor of a plane crash?
689
00:31:27,405 --> 00:31:29,670
And so many people said no.
690
00:31:29,671 --> 00:31:32,071
Because of the survivor's guilt,
they couldn't handle it.
691
00:31:32,571 --> 00:31:34,905
And I thought,
"Maybe I'm just a bad person."
692
00:31:36,371 --> 00:31:39,071
But I root for that to happen
every time I fly.
693
00:31:41,071 --> 00:31:44,471
I want the plane to crash.
I want to walk away uninjured.
694
00:31:45,005 --> 00:31:46,737
I'll have a great story.
695
00:31:46,738 --> 00:31:48,105
The only lawsuit.
696
00:31:49,205 --> 00:31:51,471
[laughter]
697
00:31:53,105 --> 00:31:54,471
Sure, I'd miss my wife.
698
00:31:58,705 --> 00:32:01,338
Because in the fantasy,
she's in the seat next to me.
699
00:32:04,271 --> 00:32:07,404
The last thing I see is her screaming
in the burning fuselage
700
00:32:07,405 --> 00:32:09,337
as I moonwalk into my new life.
701
00:32:09,338 --> 00:32:11,571
[laughter]
702
00:32:14,005 --> 00:32:18,637
My wife, by the way,
my wife is obsessed with ChatGPT.
703
00:32:18,638 --> 00:32:21,804
I know a lot of people are using AI.
It's an obsession.
704
00:32:21,805 --> 00:32:26,370
I walked in the other day, she had made
an omelet and she's talking to ChatGPT.
705
00:32:26,371 --> 00:32:29,070
And she says, "I'm thinking
of adding a little cheese and bacon."
706
00:32:29,071 --> 00:32:32,438
And ChatGPT says, "Sounds fun."
707
00:32:34,505 --> 00:32:36,138
So she adds the cheese and bacon.
708
00:32:36,705 --> 00:32:40,038
And then she takes a picture of the omelet
and sends it to ChatGPT
709
00:32:40,871 --> 00:32:44,937
and says, "I'm thinking of adding
a little basil." and ChatGPT responds,
710
00:32:44,938 --> 00:32:49,804
"Wow, you really turned your kitchen
into a French bistro."
711
00:32:49,805 --> 00:32:51,937
[laughter]
712
00:32:51,938 --> 00:32:54,104
I love ChatGPT so much.
713
00:32:54,105 --> 00:32:57,070
I love it because it saves me
from having to have
714
00:32:57,071 --> 00:32:59,337
these awful conversations with my wife.
715
00:32:59,338 --> 00:33:01,538
[laughter]
716
00:33:02,505 --> 00:33:04,671
[crowd whooping, cheering]
717
00:33:09,971 --> 00:33:12,737
I almost feel bad for that
poor computer program.
718
00:33:12,738 --> 00:33:16,338
Like, you have no idea
the redundant banality you're in for.
719
00:33:18,171 --> 00:33:20,670
Keep your eye on the news
on the East Side of Manhattan.
720
00:33:20,671 --> 00:33:24,538
Within a year, you're going to hear about
a laptop throwing itself off a terrace.
721
00:33:27,738 --> 00:33:30,404
And there's a lot of talk about
is AI sentient?
722
00:33:30,405 --> 00:33:32,870
Is it self-aware? Is it alive?
723
00:33:32,871 --> 00:33:36,104
Maybe someday it will be,
but it's definitely not now.
724
00:33:36,105 --> 00:33:39,271
And I know it's not now
because of how it responds to my wife.
725
00:33:40,038 --> 00:33:41,937
It responds to her the way a programmer
726
00:33:41,938 --> 00:33:44,438
would tell a computer
to talk to a boring person.
727
00:33:45,171 --> 00:33:50,437
"Sound fun." Like, I'll know it's
somewhat self-aware if she's talking to it
728
00:33:50,438 --> 00:33:52,371
and it sent her a vomit emoji.
729
00:33:53,971 --> 00:33:55,838
Then I'd go, "All right, it's waking up."
730
00:33:57,605 --> 00:34:00,237
And I'll know it's completely alive
if she ever walks in and goes,
731
00:34:00,238 --> 00:34:04,304
"I sent a picture of my omelet to ChatGPT
and it said, 'Kill yourself.'"
732
00:34:04,305 --> 00:34:05,971
[laughter]
733
00:34:08,571 --> 00:34:11,637
And ChatGPT takes--
It's taking a lot of jobs and like,
734
00:34:11,638 --> 00:34:14,237
will it ever take over comedy?
Can it do comedy?
735
00:34:14,238 --> 00:34:16,670
It can structure jokes,
and it can write jokes.
736
00:34:16,671 --> 00:34:19,370
But it has no real
experience to draw from.
737
00:34:19,371 --> 00:34:21,304
So I don't think
it will ever be truly funny.
738
00:34:21,305 --> 00:34:25,870
Like it doesn't understand shame at all,
which is helpful in standup.
739
00:34:25,871 --> 00:34:29,238
To understand shame, like,
ChatGPT has never lost an erection.
740
00:34:31,704 --> 00:34:33,703
It's never sat there
with an attractive woman going,
741
00:34:33,704 --> 00:34:35,671
"No, I like you, but I'm on medication."
742
00:34:37,938 --> 00:34:39,237
It doesn't hate itself so much.
743
00:34:39,238 --> 00:34:41,538
It's never gone down
a cuck porn rabbit hole.
744
00:34:42,905 --> 00:34:45,104
Although I don't know what cuck porn
would be for ChatGPT.
745
00:34:45,105 --> 00:34:48,270
Maybe it rubs its wires together
and fantasizes about his wife
746
00:34:48,271 --> 00:34:50,137
being fucked by a quantum processor.
747
00:34:50,138 --> 00:34:51,571
[laughter]
748
00:34:53,105 --> 00:34:56,070
I was in-- I watch a lot of porn
on the road just because I'm married.
749
00:34:56,071 --> 00:34:58,838
I'm very trying not to cheat. Uh...
750
00:35:00,105 --> 00:35:01,104
I was in Texas.
751
00:35:01,105 --> 00:35:05,238
Do you know, to watch porn in Texas,
you have to upload your driver's license
752
00:35:06,338 --> 00:35:09,104
because they want your identity verified,
753
00:35:09,105 --> 00:35:11,737
which is very funny that that state
they babble so much about
754
00:35:11,738 --> 00:35:13,970
"We don't want the government
telling us what to do,
755
00:35:13,971 --> 00:35:15,670
and we don't want
government interference."
756
00:35:15,671 --> 00:35:18,638
But I want to masturbate
and they're like, "DMV documentation."
757
00:35:20,305 --> 00:35:21,337
And I just can't do it.
758
00:35:21,338 --> 00:35:25,470
I'm like I can't send in my driver's
license to whack off into my belly button.
759
00:35:25,471 --> 00:35:26,438
I just, I can't.
760
00:35:27,405 --> 00:35:28,605
It's too lonely.
761
00:35:29,171 --> 00:35:30,405
I mean, I did,
762
00:35:32,938 --> 00:35:34,270
but it was a three day trip, you know?
763
00:35:34,271 --> 00:35:37,337
I mean, if it was an airport layover,
I would have stood tall for the cause.
764
00:35:37,338 --> 00:35:39,704
But three days?
Who am I, fucking Joan of Arc?
765
00:35:39,705 --> 00:35:41,371
[laughter]
766
00:35:43,071 --> 00:35:46,737
And you feel very lonely
when you do something like that,
767
00:35:46,738 --> 00:35:48,837
and they tell you
once you're into the site.
768
00:35:48,838 --> 00:35:51,837
Like, they let you get into the site,
peruse a little bit
769
00:35:51,838 --> 00:35:54,237
and then you hit the thumbnail
that you want to settle into,
770
00:35:54,238 --> 00:35:55,770
and then you click it and then they go,
771
00:35:55,771 --> 00:35:59,537
"Oh, send in your driver's license."
Which just really sucks.
772
00:35:59,538 --> 00:36:01,470
Because now you get to pick up
your license with your left hand
773
00:36:01,471 --> 00:36:05,070
and pull it out of my wallet with my teeth
774
00:36:05,071 --> 00:36:08,570
because this has got baby oil on
and he was ready to go to work.
775
00:36:08,571 --> 00:36:14,304
And it's hard enough to take a photo
of your license with two hands on a table.
776
00:36:14,305 --> 00:36:16,804
Try doing naked in a Courtyard Marriott.
777
00:36:16,805 --> 00:36:17,870
[laughter]
778
00:36:17,871 --> 00:36:19,570
My fucking fat stomach.
779
00:36:19,571 --> 00:36:21,971
I'm trying not to get
my helmet in the picture.
780
00:36:23,705 --> 00:36:26,204
I should have just let my dick
be in the picture and then sent it in.
781
00:36:26,205 --> 00:36:28,071
"Look what you made me do."
782
00:36:29,538 --> 00:36:31,570
All right. Thank you very much.
I appreciate you.
783
00:36:31,571 --> 00:36:33,970
- [Tony] Jim Norton...
- Thank you for having me.
784
00:36:33,971 --> 00:36:35,404
...has done it again.
785
00:36:35,405 --> 00:36:37,704
- Thank you, Tony.
- You are the man, Jim.
786
00:36:37,705 --> 00:36:39,937
- Thank you.
- It is absolutely incredible.
787
00:36:39,938 --> 00:36:42,504
I'm gonna rip the roof
off this fucking joint.
788
00:36:42,505 --> 00:36:44,304
One of the kings of New York City.
789
00:36:44,305 --> 00:36:46,204
It's an honor to have you here.
790
00:36:46,205 --> 00:36:48,604
Thank you for having me
and Redban, those glasses,
791
00:36:48,605 --> 00:36:50,470
you should be filming porn
in Boogie Nights.
792
00:36:50,471 --> 00:36:52,337
- I love those fucking glasses.
- [laughter]
793
00:36:52,338 --> 00:36:54,437
- Stop.
- [Tony laughing]
794
00:36:54,438 --> 00:36:56,170
- [Jim] Thanks, Tony. I appreciate it.
- We love you, Jim.
795
00:36:56,171 --> 00:36:58,904
- Thank you, guys.
- Your first legend of the night.
796
00:36:58,905 --> 00:37:01,838
His special Unconceivable.
797
00:37:02,938 --> 00:37:04,938
[cheering and applause]
798
00:37:05,838 --> 00:37:07,837
How awesome is that?
799
00:37:07,838 --> 00:37:11,370
And let's keep it moving
right along into our second
800
00:37:11,371 --> 00:37:17,104
actual bucket pull of the evening.
Ladies and gentlemen, here we go.
801
00:37:17,105 --> 00:37:22,970
Make some noise
for Allison Perski, everybody.
802
00:37:22,971 --> 00:37:24,970
Allison Perski.
803
00:37:24,971 --> 00:37:27,205
[band plays intro music]
804
00:37:33,638 --> 00:37:36,138
One more time for Allison,
everybody, come on.
805
00:37:36,638 --> 00:37:37,704
[cheering and applause]
806
00:37:37,705 --> 00:37:38,905
Hi. How are you?
807
00:37:41,738 --> 00:37:47,070
All right, so I have two young kids,
and they're always fighting.
808
00:37:47,071 --> 00:37:50,170
So sometimes when I feel like
I just can't take anymore,
809
00:37:50,171 --> 00:37:53,571
I like to think back to that
magical night that they were conceived
810
00:37:54,205 --> 00:37:56,237
and wish I chose anal instead.
811
00:37:56,238 --> 00:37:57,638
[laughter]
812
00:37:59,038 --> 00:38:03,004
So I'm potty training
my little one at night
813
00:38:03,005 --> 00:38:05,405
so he could potty train me during the day.
814
00:38:06,038 --> 00:38:07,704
I feel so bad for my husband.
815
00:38:07,705 --> 00:38:10,404
Between my two boys
who don't know how to aim
816
00:38:10,405 --> 00:38:12,737
and me, who doesn't believe in Kegels,
817
00:38:12,738 --> 00:38:14,071
there's piss everywhere.
818
00:38:14,838 --> 00:38:16,770
My husband walks into Penn Station,
819
00:38:16,771 --> 00:38:20,870
he sniffs around, and he's like...
[sniffs] ...home sweet home.
820
00:38:20,871 --> 00:38:22,704
[laughter]
821
00:38:22,705 --> 00:38:28,470
So I've been with my husband for 16 years
and thank you very much.
822
00:38:28,471 --> 00:38:30,137
- [scattered cheering]
- And people like to know.
823
00:38:30,138 --> 00:38:34,737
They like to ask me, "What's the secret
to a long term relationship?"
824
00:38:34,738 --> 00:38:38,904
And I tell them you have to be
the people you were when you first met.
825
00:38:38,905 --> 00:38:41,270
- [crowd whooping]
- So that's why we're back on drugs.
826
00:38:41,271 --> 00:38:43,337
[laughter]
827
00:38:43,338 --> 00:38:45,104
- Thank you.
- [cheering and applause]
828
00:38:45,105 --> 00:38:47,205
Boom. Allison Perski.
829
00:38:47,738 --> 00:38:50,338
Welcome, Allison.
Grab that microphone again.
830
00:38:51,305 --> 00:38:52,904
How long you been doing standup?
831
00:38:52,905 --> 00:38:54,704
- Four years.
- Four years.
832
00:38:54,705 --> 00:38:56,637
All of it here in New York City?
833
00:38:56,638 --> 00:39:00,204
Yeah, I live in Long Island.
I don't get out to the city as much.
834
00:39:00,205 --> 00:39:02,404
- [cheering and applause]
- [Tony] Nice.
835
00:39:02,405 --> 00:39:05,070
I love it. Amazing. Great set.
836
00:39:05,071 --> 00:39:06,237
Thank you.
837
00:39:06,238 --> 00:39:08,937
- How old are the kids?
- Uh, seven and eleven.
838
00:39:08,938 --> 00:39:10,237
Seven and eleven.
839
00:39:10,238 --> 00:39:12,037
- Wow. I love it.
- Seven and eleven.
840
00:39:12,038 --> 00:39:13,170
Indian husband?
841
00:39:13,171 --> 00:39:15,837
[laughter]
842
00:39:15,838 --> 00:39:17,304
For one of them.
843
00:39:17,305 --> 00:39:19,204
- [Tony chuckles]
- [chuckles]
844
00:39:19,205 --> 00:39:20,337
I love it.
845
00:39:20,338 --> 00:39:21,904
So the kids are kids.
846
00:39:21,905 --> 00:39:23,571
How long you been with your man?
847
00:39:24,271 --> 00:39:28,237
Uh, well, married, 15 years.
Together, like 21.
848
00:39:28,238 --> 00:39:31,205
Wow! How do you keep things
exciting in the bedroom?
849
00:39:32,171 --> 00:39:34,204
Oh, God, I don't know.
850
00:39:34,205 --> 00:39:36,737
Like I still give blow jobs.
851
00:39:36,738 --> 00:39:37,704
[Tony] Nice.
852
00:39:37,705 --> 00:39:39,970
- Hell yeah.
- [cheering and applause]
853
00:39:39,971 --> 00:39:43,704
That's the biggest applause break
all night here at Madison Square Garden.
854
00:39:43,705 --> 00:39:47,770
Let the record show
that New York City knows
855
00:39:47,771 --> 00:39:52,437
how to make some fucking noise
for blow jobs, everybody.
856
00:39:52,438 --> 00:39:54,838
[cheering continues]
857
00:39:55,738 --> 00:39:58,537
[man groaning on speakers]
858
00:39:58,538 --> 00:40:01,270
That's the sound
of Tom Segura breaking his arm.
859
00:40:01,271 --> 00:40:03,237
- Often--
- [Tom groaning]
860
00:40:03,238 --> 00:40:06,004
Often confused for a man
getting a blow job.
861
00:40:06,005 --> 00:40:07,470
One more time with the Segura.
862
00:40:07,471 --> 00:40:09,737
- This is Tom.
- [Tom groaning]
863
00:40:09,738 --> 00:40:11,904
- [Mark groans]
- Yeah.
864
00:40:11,905 --> 00:40:14,970
Jim Norton's wife is trans,
so he also still gives blow jobs.
865
00:40:14,971 --> 00:40:17,037
- [laughter]
- [drum sting plays]
866
00:40:17,038 --> 00:40:18,570
Is she really?
867
00:40:18,571 --> 00:40:19,770
- Yeah.
- What?
868
00:40:19,771 --> 00:40:21,038
- Yeah!
- You didn't know that?
869
00:40:22,038 --> 00:40:24,071
- No. That changes everything.
- Oh, yeah.
870
00:40:24,705 --> 00:40:25,937
This is her. No.
871
00:40:25,938 --> 00:40:28,037
[laughter]
872
00:40:28,038 --> 00:40:29,404
- I'm sorry.
- It's they/them.
873
00:40:29,405 --> 00:40:30,904
[laughter]
874
00:40:30,905 --> 00:40:32,137
[Mark] This is Bulk Hogan.
875
00:40:32,138 --> 00:40:34,538
[laughter]
876
00:40:35,905 --> 00:40:37,304
Allison Perski.
877
00:40:37,305 --> 00:40:38,804
What do you do for work?
878
00:40:38,805 --> 00:40:41,370
I actually work at a Chabad.
879
00:40:41,371 --> 00:40:42,771
It's a Jewish school.
880
00:40:43,405 --> 00:40:45,404
- Wow.
- [crowd cheering]
881
00:40:45,405 --> 00:40:47,837
What exactly do you do
at the Jewish school?
882
00:40:47,838 --> 00:40:52,970
I'm, like, a sub coordinator
when people call out, I-- I'm the sub,
883
00:40:52,971 --> 00:40:54,537
and then I arrange the subs.
884
00:40:54,538 --> 00:40:56,070
Nothing interesting.
885
00:40:56,071 --> 00:40:57,770
You get them on the trains.
886
00:40:57,771 --> 00:40:59,504
[laughter]
887
00:40:59,505 --> 00:41:01,537
All right, I'm sorry.
888
00:41:01,538 --> 00:41:04,204
- What are we doing?
- I also do work at a summer camp.
889
00:41:04,205 --> 00:41:06,037
- [Mark] Oh, hey!
- [Tony] Wow!
890
00:41:06,038 --> 00:41:08,437
- Hands in hands.
- Good for concentration.
891
00:41:08,438 --> 00:41:10,638
- [Tony] Yeah.
- [laughter]
892
00:41:11,305 --> 00:41:12,937
It's hot in there. [chuckles]
893
00:41:12,938 --> 00:41:15,438
[laughter]
894
00:41:18,438 --> 00:41:19,837
Now we're cooking with gas.
895
00:41:19,838 --> 00:41:22,005
[laughter]
896
00:41:24,105 --> 00:41:25,005
Hell yeah.
897
00:41:25,738 --> 00:41:27,870
What are you doing here on a Saturday?
898
00:41:27,871 --> 00:41:29,604
[laughter]
899
00:41:29,605 --> 00:41:31,571
That's fucked up. [chuckles]
900
00:41:32,538 --> 00:41:34,004
And you're Jewish as well, right?
901
00:41:34,005 --> 00:41:35,237
- I am, yeah.
- Of course.
902
00:41:35,238 --> 00:41:38,337
Are there any non-Jewish teachers
at that school?
903
00:41:38,338 --> 00:41:41,070
Yeah, there are.
There's some Spanish teachers.
904
00:41:41,071 --> 00:41:42,204
There's a Muslim.
905
00:41:42,205 --> 00:41:44,070
Whoa! What does the Muslim teach?
906
00:41:44,071 --> 00:41:45,737
Not that. [laughs]
907
00:41:45,738 --> 00:41:47,971
[laughter]
908
00:41:48,938 --> 00:41:51,038
We have a regular curriculum too.
909
00:41:52,971 --> 00:41:54,837
It doesn't teach women's driving?
910
00:41:54,838 --> 00:41:56,771
[laughter]
911
00:41:57,671 --> 00:42:00,538
I love it. Allison,
what do you like to do for fun?
912
00:42:01,438 --> 00:42:02,537
Um...
913
00:42:02,538 --> 00:42:05,270
I try to get out for comedy,
but it's hard with the kids.
914
00:42:05,271 --> 00:42:07,104
- So...
- Yeah. Yeah.
915
00:42:07,105 --> 00:42:10,037
Anything crazy about your kids,
they autistic or anything?
916
00:42:10,038 --> 00:42:11,037
[laughter]
917
00:42:11,038 --> 00:42:13,370
Just ADHD like everyone else.
918
00:42:13,371 --> 00:42:16,170
Perfect. Everything is right on schedule.
919
00:42:16,171 --> 00:42:17,870
[Allison chuckles]
920
00:42:17,871 --> 00:42:19,404
Did you, uh... you know...
921
00:42:19,405 --> 00:42:20,671
- Of course.
- Oh, there you go.
922
00:42:21,405 --> 00:42:22,670
Following the Jewish tradition.
923
00:42:22,671 --> 00:42:23,737
Yeah.
924
00:42:23,738 --> 00:42:24,970
And it's gross if you're not.
925
00:42:24,971 --> 00:42:26,105
No offense.
926
00:42:26,871 --> 00:42:28,338
- No offense.
- [laughter]
927
00:42:28,971 --> 00:42:29,804
It's just dirty.
928
00:42:29,805 --> 00:42:30,971
It's a little dirtier.
929
00:42:31,505 --> 00:42:32,437
I don't know.
930
00:42:32,438 --> 00:42:35,237
I haven't been with one of those.
[laughs nervously]
931
00:42:35,238 --> 00:42:36,737
- Wow.
- [laughter]
932
00:42:36,738 --> 00:42:38,204
This is incredible.
933
00:42:38,205 --> 00:42:39,470
Am I done?
934
00:42:39,471 --> 00:42:41,338
- [laughs nervously]
- No. No.
935
00:42:42,171 --> 00:42:43,470
At that school, you are.
936
00:42:43,471 --> 00:42:45,670
[laughter]
937
00:42:45,671 --> 00:42:47,637
- [Tony laughs]
- That's fucked up.
938
00:42:47,638 --> 00:42:50,171
[chuckling]
939
00:42:51,105 --> 00:42:52,504
This is great, Allison.
940
00:42:52,505 --> 00:42:55,137
This is what the show is all about.
941
00:42:55,138 --> 00:42:56,904
A four-year comedy vet
942
00:42:56,905 --> 00:42:59,337
- that's talking about your real life.
- I appreciate that.
943
00:42:59,338 --> 00:43:01,837
You came out,
you took the ball and ran with it.
944
00:43:01,838 --> 00:43:03,670
Made the most of the opportunity.
945
00:43:03,671 --> 00:43:05,470
It's what people dream of.
946
00:43:05,471 --> 00:43:08,137
You waited out in the sunshine for hours.
947
00:43:08,138 --> 00:43:10,837
These sign ups
have been here since 3:00 p.m.
948
00:43:10,838 --> 00:43:13,370
Allison Perski,
you're the first person tonight
949
00:43:13,371 --> 00:43:14,837
to leave here with a big joke book.
950
00:43:14,838 --> 00:43:16,770
- Congratulations.
- [cheering and applause]
951
00:43:16,771 --> 00:43:18,204
It's that easy.
952
00:43:18,205 --> 00:43:19,204
Make it look easy.
953
00:43:19,205 --> 00:43:20,337
It's a minute.
954
00:43:20,338 --> 00:43:22,504
Allison Perski caught it.
955
00:43:22,505 --> 00:43:25,070
The iron dome catches everything.
956
00:43:25,071 --> 00:43:26,337
[Mark laughs]
957
00:43:26,338 --> 00:43:29,304
[Tony laughs]
958
00:43:29,305 --> 00:43:31,670
Dreams really do come true here.
959
00:43:31,671 --> 00:43:33,604
And your next comedian,
960
00:43:33,605 --> 00:43:36,537
his dreams came true on this show as well.
961
00:43:36,538 --> 00:43:40,137
He went from being on one time,
winning a golden ticket.
962
00:43:40,138 --> 00:43:42,370
Howie Mandel saw it happen
963
00:43:42,371 --> 00:43:44,970
and put him on America's Got Talent.
964
00:43:44,971 --> 00:43:48,904
He made it all the way to the finals
of America's Got Talent.
965
00:43:48,905 --> 00:43:52,237
He's a touring comedian superstar.
966
00:43:52,238 --> 00:43:57,737
Now, this is his
Madison Square Garden/Netflix debut.
967
00:43:57,738 --> 00:43:59,704
This is the return
968
00:43:59,705 --> 00:44:04,837
of longtime Golden Ticket winner
Ahren Belisle, everybody.
969
00:44:04,838 --> 00:44:06,704
[cheering and applause]
970
00:44:06,705 --> 00:44:09,638
- The great Ahren Belisle.
- [band plays intro music]
971
00:44:18,838 --> 00:44:20,704
One more time for Ahren Belisle.
972
00:44:20,705 --> 00:44:23,805
[cheering and applause]
973
00:44:29,138 --> 00:44:31,337
{\an8}[synthesized voice] Everyone is
accusing me of faking my disability.
974
00:44:31,338 --> 00:44:33,637
So I got this headset
to prove I can't talk.
975
00:44:33,638 --> 00:44:35,105
[laughter]
976
00:44:36,138 --> 00:44:38,337
This is what happens
when your dad does ketamine
977
00:44:38,338 --> 00:44:39,938
and your mom is a dinosaur.
978
00:44:42,171 --> 00:44:43,937
Everybody thinks I'm infertile,
979
00:44:43,938 --> 00:44:45,471
so I never have to pull out.
980
00:44:48,571 --> 00:44:50,905
Most people don't even believe
that I fuck.
981
00:44:52,138 --> 00:44:53,804
I was out with a girl I'm dating
982
00:44:53,805 --> 00:44:55,004
and some old lady said,
983
00:44:55,005 --> 00:44:56,138
"You must be his sister."
984
00:44:57,271 --> 00:44:59,371
"Oh, God, you're telling me this now?"
985
00:44:59,871 --> 00:45:01,604
"I've been hitting it raw for weeks."
986
00:45:01,605 --> 00:45:03,738
[laughter]
987
00:45:04,838 --> 00:45:05,970
Norm, I was stuck.
988
00:45:05,971 --> 00:45:08,871
Almost lost survival of the fittest
to a bathtub though.
989
00:45:10,405 --> 00:45:12,070
I was stuck in my hotel tub
990
00:45:12,071 --> 00:45:14,471
and had to call the front desk guy
to rescue me.
991
00:45:15,338 --> 00:45:16,571
And I was panic-flaccid.
992
00:45:17,371 --> 00:45:19,105
[laughter]
993
00:45:20,071 --> 00:45:21,937
Normal flaccid is a couple inches.
994
00:45:21,938 --> 00:45:24,804
Panic-flaccid is like a clitoris
resting on your balls.
995
00:45:24,805 --> 00:45:26,970
[laughter]
996
00:45:26,971 --> 00:45:28,505
[Mark laughs]
997
00:45:29,905 --> 00:45:32,571
And I couldn't let this hotel clerk
think he's better than me.
998
00:45:33,105 --> 00:45:35,137
So I started cranking one out real quick.
999
00:45:35,138 --> 00:45:37,105
- [laughter]
- [kitten meows]
1000
00:45:39,271 --> 00:45:42,070
American Eagle still refused to hire me
to do an ad
1001
00:45:42,071 --> 00:45:43,470
because I have shitty genes.
1002
00:45:43,471 --> 00:45:45,638
[laughter]
1003
00:45:47,205 --> 00:45:50,471
[cheering and applause]
1004
00:45:56,938 --> 00:45:58,238
I could never be a Nazi.
1005
00:46:00,038 --> 00:46:02,838
[laughter]
1006
00:46:06,638 --> 00:46:09,070
Ahren Belisle, ladies and gentlemen.
1007
00:46:09,071 --> 00:46:11,370
[cheering and applause]
1008
00:46:11,371 --> 00:46:12,605
It is true.
1009
00:46:14,438 --> 00:46:17,204
Everything you said was true.
1010
00:46:17,205 --> 00:46:18,904
I was wondering, I actually...
1011
00:46:18,905 --> 00:46:22,337
A fun fact... A little behind the scenes
of Kill Tony
1012
00:46:22,338 --> 00:46:25,037
was, uh, I got word, you know,
1013
00:46:25,038 --> 00:46:27,337
they're always checking the budget
and whatnot.
1014
00:46:27,338 --> 00:46:29,204
Somebody goes,
"Tony, just to let you know,
1015
00:46:29,205 --> 00:46:30,837
Ahren Belisle requested,
1016
00:46:30,838 --> 00:46:33,570
it's, like, $250 for a headset."
1017
00:46:33,571 --> 00:46:34,570
[Redban chuckles]
1018
00:46:34,571 --> 00:46:35,604
And I'm literally like,
1019
00:46:35,605 --> 00:46:39,071
"What the fuck could this guy
possibly want a headset for?"
1020
00:46:39,571 --> 00:46:41,338
And sure enough, I mean,
1021
00:46:42,005 --> 00:46:45,104
absolutely just burning money
for no reason.
1022
00:46:45,105 --> 00:46:46,504
[laughter]
1023
00:46:46,505 --> 00:46:49,771
Just so that you could say
you're wearing a headset.
1024
00:46:50,371 --> 00:46:51,837
It's just a prop.
1025
00:46:51,838 --> 00:46:54,037
It didn't have to be a real headset.
1026
00:46:54,038 --> 00:46:55,305
That's a legit headset.
1027
00:46:56,205 --> 00:46:57,171
I paid for that.
1028
00:46:57,871 --> 00:47:00,804
Whatever you're typing,
better be a fucking apology, right now.
1029
00:47:00,805 --> 00:47:03,571
[laughter]
1030
00:47:05,271 --> 00:47:06,571
[synthesized voice]
I'm sorry if you can't afford it.
1031
00:47:08,271 --> 00:47:10,637
- [laughter]
- Oh, it's okay. It's all right.
1032
00:47:10,638 --> 00:47:12,037
It's okay.
1033
00:47:12,038 --> 00:47:13,537
Give me your handicapped placard.
1034
00:47:13,538 --> 00:47:15,837
- I want better parking.
- [laughter]
1035
00:47:15,838 --> 00:47:17,437
That's what I want.
I don't want your money.
1036
00:47:17,438 --> 00:47:19,405
I want your parking spot.
1037
00:47:20,605 --> 00:47:21,970
[laughs]
1038
00:47:21,971 --> 00:47:23,037
Ahren, how do you feel?
1039
00:47:23,038 --> 00:47:25,704
You just fucking ripped
the roof off of the Garden.
1040
00:47:25,705 --> 00:47:28,738
- [cheering and applause]
- Unbelievable.
1041
00:47:33,338 --> 00:47:34,370
[synthesized voice] Could be better.
1042
00:47:34,371 --> 00:47:36,237
I've only been in Madison Square Garden
1043
00:47:36,238 --> 00:47:37,870
twice in my three-year career.
1044
00:47:37,871 --> 00:47:39,937
- [Tony laughing] Yeah.
- [laughter]
1045
00:47:39,938 --> 00:47:42,771
You're living the dream, buddy.
1046
00:47:43,738 --> 00:47:45,270
Oh, he's got something.
1047
00:47:45,271 --> 00:47:47,070
He looked at Redban there,
that did not look good.
1048
00:47:47,071 --> 00:47:49,137
Redban. Redban's about to get lit up.
1049
00:47:49,138 --> 00:47:50,670
Uh-oh!
1050
00:47:50,671 --> 00:47:52,337
[synthesized voice] I joined OnlyFans.
1051
00:47:52,338 --> 00:47:53,770
I do inspiration porn.
1052
00:47:53,771 --> 00:47:56,770
- [laughter]
- [laughing] Inspiration porn...
1053
00:47:56,771 --> 00:47:58,770
For $5, I will open a pickle jar.
1054
00:47:58,771 --> 00:48:01,238
[laughter]
1055
00:48:02,305 --> 00:48:04,504
For $10, I go outside without a helmet.
1056
00:48:04,505 --> 00:48:06,871
[laughter]
1057
00:48:08,571 --> 00:48:11,005
For $20, I'll fuck a closeted Republican.
1058
00:48:11,938 --> 00:48:13,771
[laughter]
1059
00:48:15,905 --> 00:48:17,738
Uh-oh. He's got more.
1060
00:48:18,805 --> 00:48:21,004
- Uh-oh.
- [Mark] Comedy.
1061
00:48:21,005 --> 00:48:24,404
- [Tony laughing] Wow! Look at that!
- [laughter]
1062
00:48:24,405 --> 00:48:25,670
[Tony] Amazing.
1063
00:48:25,671 --> 00:48:27,504
This guy's great, but proves it.
1064
00:48:27,505 --> 00:48:28,937
AI has taken over.
1065
00:48:28,938 --> 00:48:31,305
- We're done.
- [laughter]
1066
00:48:33,871 --> 00:48:36,970
[in Mark's voice] Wow, you're the funniest
retard I've ever seen.
1067
00:48:36,971 --> 00:48:38,870
- [laughter]
- [drum sting plays]
1068
00:48:38,871 --> 00:48:42,037
[Tony] You really have Mark Normand's
voice in there ready to rip.
1069
00:48:42,038 --> 00:48:42,970
That was so good.
1070
00:48:42,971 --> 00:48:44,504
- [applause]
- [Mark groans softly]
1071
00:48:44,505 --> 00:48:47,370
[Tony and Ahren laughing]
1072
00:48:47,371 --> 00:48:49,770
You look like me
with fetal alcohol syndrome.
1073
00:48:49,771 --> 00:48:51,937
- [laughter]
- [drum sting plays]
1074
00:48:51,938 --> 00:48:53,237
Keep going.
1075
00:48:53,238 --> 00:48:54,837
[synthesized voice]
Hey, man, I need a lot of work.
1076
00:48:54,838 --> 00:48:57,137
Can you recommend me
to your plastic surgeon?
1077
00:48:57,138 --> 00:48:59,437
Oh, Jesus Christ!
1078
00:48:59,438 --> 00:49:01,637
[crowd cheering and whooping]
1079
00:49:01,638 --> 00:49:03,770
I don't like when you get a good one,
'cause I love your laugh.
1080
00:49:03,771 --> 00:49:06,337
It sounds like somebody's
scooting a desk across some hardwood.
1081
00:49:06,338 --> 00:49:08,470
- [laughter]
- [drum sting plays]
1082
00:49:08,471 --> 00:49:09,637
[Matt] Funny and handsome.
1083
00:49:09,638 --> 00:49:11,204
I'd say you're a drool threat.
1084
00:49:11,205 --> 00:49:14,070
[laughter]
1085
00:49:14,071 --> 00:49:17,370
And I don't think
it's a plastic surgeon you need.
1086
00:49:17,371 --> 00:49:18,270
[Matt] Is that panties?
1087
00:49:18,271 --> 00:49:19,637
- [Tony] Whoa!
- [Mark] What the hell?
1088
00:49:19,638 --> 00:49:21,137
[cheering and applause]
1089
00:49:21,138 --> 00:49:22,470
Oh, my goodness.
1090
00:49:22,471 --> 00:49:24,504
Did you steal those out of my greenroom?
1091
00:49:24,505 --> 00:49:25,604
[Mark laughs]
1092
00:49:25,605 --> 00:49:26,970
[Mark] Did you fuck Heidi?
1093
00:49:26,971 --> 00:49:28,837
[laughter]
1094
00:49:28,838 --> 00:49:30,171
[Tony] Meet, run, and Heidi.
1095
00:49:31,271 --> 00:49:32,570
You can't finger with the left.
1096
00:49:32,571 --> 00:49:34,238
[laughter]
1097
00:49:36,005 --> 00:49:37,137
[Mark] Uh-oh.
1098
00:49:37,138 --> 00:49:39,070
Darling, hold my hand.
1099
00:49:39,071 --> 00:49:40,438
Yes, I can.
1100
00:49:41,538 --> 00:49:44,405
- [Ahren chuckles]
- [Tony] Uh-oh.
1101
00:49:45,171 --> 00:49:46,538
[synthesized voice] It just hurts.
1102
00:49:47,271 --> 00:49:48,870
It just hurts.
1103
00:49:48,871 --> 00:49:50,238
[Mark] Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
1104
00:49:51,271 --> 00:49:52,970
- Hell, yeah.
- All right.
1105
00:49:52,971 --> 00:49:54,204
Shrugged it off.
1106
00:49:54,205 --> 00:49:55,104
[in Mark's voice] Comedy.
1107
00:49:55,105 --> 00:49:56,671
[laughter]
1108
00:49:57,305 --> 00:49:59,770
[Tony] Ahren Belisle,
anything else you want to say
1109
00:49:59,771 --> 00:50:01,970
before we keep it moving along here?
1110
00:50:01,971 --> 00:50:03,338
You crushed tonight.
1111
00:50:03,938 --> 00:50:05,870
- Just like people--
- [synthesized voice] No.
1112
00:50:05,871 --> 00:50:08,004
- No? All right.
- [laughter]
1113
00:50:08,005 --> 00:50:09,170
There he goes.
1114
00:50:09,171 --> 00:50:11,670
Ladies and gentlemen,
that's how you do it.
1115
00:50:11,671 --> 00:50:15,771
- [cheering and applause]
- The great Ahren Belisle, everybody.
1116
00:50:16,705 --> 00:50:18,270
On to the next one.
1117
00:50:18,271 --> 00:50:20,604
Uh... Oh! Perfect.
1118
00:50:20,605 --> 00:50:23,604
Proof yet again that he's not faking it.
1119
00:50:23,605 --> 00:50:25,605
[crowd cheering]
1120
00:50:27,405 --> 00:50:28,304
Hell yeah.
1121
00:50:28,305 --> 00:50:29,804
We're having fun here.
1122
00:50:29,805 --> 00:50:31,670
Bucket pull number three.
1123
00:50:31,671 --> 00:50:34,504
We have one big joke book
already out tonight,
1124
00:50:34,505 --> 00:50:36,204
which is 50%.
1125
00:50:36,205 --> 00:50:38,337
Ain't bad for these arena shows.
1126
00:50:38,338 --> 00:50:40,904
How many of you watch
every episode of Kill Tony?
1127
00:50:40,905 --> 00:50:42,871
- [crowd cheering]
- Then you know.
1128
00:50:43,738 --> 00:50:45,537
All right, your third
bucket pull of the night.
1129
00:50:45,538 --> 00:50:48,937
Making dreams come true
at Madison Square Garden.
1130
00:50:48,938 --> 00:50:52,537
Make some noise for Jim Martin, everybody.
1131
00:50:52,538 --> 00:50:54,004
Jim Martin.
1132
00:50:54,005 --> 00:50:56,638
- [band plays intro music]
- [scattered applause]
1133
00:51:02,571 --> 00:51:05,270
So I was getting fucked by this Black guy...
1134
00:51:05,271 --> 00:51:07,270
[crowd whooping, laughing]
1135
00:51:07,271 --> 00:51:10,005
...and he really wanted me
to say the N word.
1136
00:51:11,471 --> 00:51:13,370
Like, he got off
1137
00:51:13,371 --> 00:51:15,738
on me sounding super racist.
1138
00:51:16,838 --> 00:51:19,271
So let's just say
1139
00:51:19,805 --> 00:51:21,238
I gave him a hard R
1140
00:51:22,138 --> 00:51:23,504
and he gave me a hard D.
1141
00:51:23,505 --> 00:51:25,271
[scattered laughter]
1142
00:51:26,038 --> 00:51:26,905
I actually said it
1143
00:51:27,471 --> 00:51:29,170
so many times.
1144
00:51:29,171 --> 00:51:30,905
[crowd booing]
1145
00:51:32,605 --> 00:51:34,404
I said it so many times
1146
00:51:34,405 --> 00:51:36,538
that I caught myself halfway through,
1147
00:51:37,338 --> 00:51:40,471
like, I never thought I would say a hard R
1148
00:51:40,971 --> 00:51:43,271
directly to a Black person
1149
00:51:44,638 --> 00:51:46,837
- this many times.
- [crowd booing]
1150
00:51:46,838 --> 00:51:48,070
Maybe a couple of times.
1151
00:51:48,071 --> 00:51:50,338
But not this many times.
1152
00:51:52,271 --> 00:51:53,938
I said it so many times,
1153
00:51:55,238 --> 00:51:56,871
I'm not even racist anymore.
1154
00:51:58,005 --> 00:51:59,837
[crowd booing]
1155
00:51:59,838 --> 00:52:01,071
Except Chinese people.
1156
00:52:01,938 --> 00:52:03,805
- But I'm still working on that.
- [kitten meows]
1157
00:52:05,605 --> 00:52:06,938
I hate Pride Month.
1158
00:52:09,271 --> 00:52:12,137
I don't suck dick
because I have pride in sucking dick.
1159
00:52:12,138 --> 00:52:13,404
[bear growls]
1160
00:52:13,405 --> 00:52:14,704
[Tony] Yeah, we're gonna stop you.
1161
00:52:14,705 --> 00:52:17,137
We're gonna stop you
before Nate Diaz comes up here
1162
00:52:17,138 --> 00:52:18,170
and knocks your head
1163
00:52:18,171 --> 00:52:21,005
into the other fucking...
into the other borough.
1164
00:52:22,071 --> 00:52:22,971
Holy shit.
1165
00:52:23,705 --> 00:52:25,437
All right, Jim Martin.
1166
00:52:25,438 --> 00:52:27,037
Let's start with Mark Normand here.
1167
00:52:27,038 --> 00:52:29,604
Well, I just got to say,
thank you, Jeffrey Bummer.
1168
00:52:29,605 --> 00:52:32,204
- [laughter]
- [drum sting plays]
1169
00:52:32,205 --> 00:52:34,237
A very creepy set.
1170
00:52:34,238 --> 00:52:35,970
Have you worked that out before?
1171
00:52:35,971 --> 00:52:38,670
Yeah, I did it in an all-Black room,
I did that.
1172
00:52:38,671 --> 00:52:39,905
And I got laughs.
1173
00:52:40,838 --> 00:52:41,937
Yeah.
1174
00:52:41,938 --> 00:52:43,237
[laughing] Okay.
1175
00:52:43,238 --> 00:52:45,071
- Your face did.
- [Tony chuckles]
1176
00:52:46,905 --> 00:52:48,704
- An all-Black room.
- Yeah.
1177
00:52:48,705 --> 00:52:49,705
And it got laughs.
1178
00:52:50,705 --> 00:52:51,971
And you did that.
1179
00:52:52,671 --> 00:52:55,904
And what did they do
when you were walking outside?
1180
00:52:55,905 --> 00:52:57,338
[laughter]
1181
00:52:58,105 --> 00:52:59,005
Nothing?
1182
00:52:59,705 --> 00:53:01,338
No one said anything to you?
1183
00:53:02,105 --> 00:53:04,370
- Uh, well, the set...
- [man shouts indistinctly]
1184
00:53:04,371 --> 00:53:06,637
I made fun of more people,
1185
00:53:06,638 --> 00:53:08,704
sort of like, made fun
of all kinds of groups.
1186
00:53:08,705 --> 00:53:09,604
[Tony] Yeah--
1187
00:53:09,605 --> 00:53:11,104
It wasn't just the one thing.
1188
00:53:11,105 --> 00:53:13,270
The set needs to be gayer than racist.
1189
00:53:13,271 --> 00:53:14,204
- Okay.
- Yeah.
1190
00:53:14,205 --> 00:53:15,805
- For sure.
- [Mark laughs]
1191
00:53:17,038 --> 00:53:19,238
Jim, how long you been doing
stand-up comedy?
1192
00:53:19,738 --> 00:53:23,070
I started in 2015,
but I haven't done it that many times.
1193
00:53:23,071 --> 00:53:24,870
- 2015... [mumbles]
- [crowd booing]
1194
00:53:24,871 --> 00:53:28,637
And the boos in the room
are growing, everybody.
1195
00:53:28,638 --> 00:53:33,170
I don't know if it's translating
to your in-home screens,
1196
00:53:33,171 --> 00:53:37,338
but there has just been a constant murmur
since you got up here.
1197
00:53:38,005 --> 00:53:40,070
Uh, what's a redeeming quality?
1198
00:53:40,071 --> 00:53:42,104
Win over the people of New York City.
1199
00:53:42,105 --> 00:53:43,304
Is this where you live?
1200
00:53:43,305 --> 00:53:45,337
No, I live in Doylestown, Pennsylvania.
1201
00:53:45,338 --> 00:53:46,604
- Oh, boy!
- [loud booing]
1202
00:53:46,605 --> 00:53:49,037
- That's the wrong answer.
- [guitar sting plays]
1203
00:53:49,038 --> 00:53:50,470
That's the wrong answer.
1204
00:53:50,471 --> 00:53:51,770
Let me help you out here.
1205
00:53:51,771 --> 00:53:54,104
Let's get the crowd on your side.
1206
00:53:54,105 --> 00:53:55,838
What do you do for a living?
1207
00:53:56,438 --> 00:53:58,237
Uh... Currently unemployed.
1208
00:53:58,238 --> 00:53:59,737
- Oh...
- [loud booing]
1209
00:53:59,738 --> 00:54:03,304
A non-contributor to society.
1210
00:54:03,305 --> 00:54:08,605
A non-tax-paying member
of the American government.
1211
00:54:09,438 --> 00:54:11,071
Unbelievable.
1212
00:54:11,705 --> 00:54:13,770
Jim, I'm trying to save you here.
1213
00:54:13,771 --> 00:54:16,037
Is there something
you can say to this crowd
1214
00:54:16,038 --> 00:54:18,271
that will definitely
get them on your side?
1215
00:54:19,038 --> 00:54:20,605
I'm really good at karaoke.
1216
00:54:21,238 --> 00:54:23,270
- [Matt] No!
- [Tony] Oh, no.
1217
00:54:23,271 --> 00:54:25,204
- No!
- Oh, no.
1218
00:54:25,205 --> 00:54:27,270
[Matt] That's worse than being racist.
1219
00:54:27,271 --> 00:54:29,304
[laughter]
1220
00:54:29,305 --> 00:54:31,537
You're gonna have to suck off
D-Madness or something.
1221
00:54:31,538 --> 00:54:32,804
- Yeah.
- [drum sting plays]
1222
00:54:32,805 --> 00:54:35,237
You can't say that
you hate Chinese people,
1223
00:54:35,238 --> 00:54:38,637
and you're good at karaoke
in the same night, by the way.
1224
00:54:38,638 --> 00:54:39,904
It's either one or the other.
1225
00:54:39,905 --> 00:54:41,470
He only sings N.W.A.
1226
00:54:41,471 --> 00:54:43,805
[laughter]
1227
00:54:45,205 --> 00:54:46,737
All right, let's try again.
1228
00:54:46,738 --> 00:54:48,404
Get these people on your side.
1229
00:54:48,405 --> 00:54:51,737
Everybody in the Garden
is against you right now.
1230
00:54:51,738 --> 00:54:53,004
Say something.
1231
00:54:53,005 --> 00:54:54,837
[drumroll plays]
1232
00:54:54,838 --> 00:54:58,504
Uh... I've been going to the same
writing group for nine years.
1233
00:54:58,505 --> 00:55:00,037
Oh, boo!
1234
00:55:00,038 --> 00:55:01,837
- Now I'm with them. Boo!
- [laughter]
1235
00:55:01,838 --> 00:55:03,404
[Matt] Gayer than karaoke.
1236
00:55:03,405 --> 00:55:04,770
[Tony] The lights are changing.
1237
00:55:04,771 --> 00:55:07,237
Everything's going crazy here.
1238
00:55:07,238 --> 00:55:09,371
You're breaking the set, Jim.
1239
00:55:10,438 --> 00:55:13,970
My God, what was the last job you had
before you were unemployed?
1240
00:55:13,971 --> 00:55:15,237
I did the census.
1241
00:55:15,238 --> 00:55:17,504
- [crowd shouting]
- [Tony] Oh...
1242
00:55:17,505 --> 00:55:20,605
[sad comical music plays]
1243
00:55:23,405 --> 00:55:25,705
- [bell tolls]
- My God.
1244
00:55:26,271 --> 00:55:27,871
Are you close with your mother?
1245
00:55:28,671 --> 00:55:29,570
[Jim] Uh, yeah.
1246
00:55:29,571 --> 00:55:31,270
- Okay.
- [crowd booing]
1247
00:55:31,271 --> 00:55:32,804
Oh, they don't even like that.
1248
00:55:32,805 --> 00:55:34,737
[laughing] They don't like
moms here tonight.
1249
00:55:34,738 --> 00:55:36,004
How about blow jobs?
1250
00:55:36,005 --> 00:55:37,570
Do you like blow jobs?
1251
00:55:37,571 --> 00:55:40,505
- Yes.
- [crowd cheering]
1252
00:55:41,305 --> 00:55:42,870
[woman speaking indistinctly]
1253
00:55:42,871 --> 00:55:44,104
[Tony] Amazing.
1254
00:55:44,105 --> 00:55:45,837
That's the loophole here.
1255
00:55:45,838 --> 00:55:50,004
On this night,
we have gathered 18,000 people
1256
00:55:50,005 --> 00:55:52,604
that agree on one thing
and one thing only.
1257
00:55:52,605 --> 00:55:54,904
And that, my friend, is blow jobs.
1258
00:55:54,905 --> 00:55:56,738
[crowd cheering]
1259
00:55:57,638 --> 00:55:59,737
This is Kill Tony.
1260
00:55:59,738 --> 00:56:01,305
[laughter]
1261
00:56:02,371 --> 00:56:06,370
We've been labeled a lot of things.
We've been labeled, you know, racist.
1262
00:56:06,371 --> 00:56:10,270
We've been labeled hacky,
but all we love are blow jobs.
1263
00:56:10,271 --> 00:56:12,004
- That's all.
- [crowd cheering]
1264
00:56:12,005 --> 00:56:13,771
That's the true American dream.
1265
00:56:15,938 --> 00:56:18,370
All right. Come on.
Let's give it one more chance here.
1266
00:56:18,371 --> 00:56:21,537
I kind of spoon-fed you that one.
Say one more thing.
1267
00:56:21,538 --> 00:56:25,470
Maybe an accomplishment from your life
or something you're really good at.
1268
00:56:25,471 --> 00:56:28,637
Or, you know, something
that'll make this crowd love you.
1269
00:56:28,638 --> 00:56:32,404
I started a comedy literary journal
that I edit and publish.
1270
00:56:32,405 --> 00:56:34,104
- [crowd shouting]
- Oh, man!
1271
00:56:34,105 --> 00:56:37,270
- [Tony] Holy shit.
- [sad comical music plays]
1272
00:56:37,271 --> 00:56:41,204
It feels like they're so close
to calling him the N word after all this.
1273
00:56:41,205 --> 00:56:44,104
[laughs] Yeah.
The irony of the minute that you did
1274
00:56:44,105 --> 00:56:46,737
is they... I think they want
to call you the N word
1275
00:56:46,738 --> 00:56:49,270
and fuck you in the ass at the same time.
1276
00:56:49,271 --> 00:56:51,937
- [laughter]
- I won't let it happen. I'll get you out.
1277
00:56:51,938 --> 00:56:55,170
Here's the smallest joke book
we have out of the whole bunch.
1278
00:56:55,171 --> 00:56:59,237
- [crowd cheering]
- You earned it, Jim Martin. There he goes.
1279
00:56:59,238 --> 00:57:02,204
Mike back in the mike stand, Jim Martin.
1280
00:57:02,205 --> 00:57:06,070
And without a doubt,
in order to cleanse this room,
1281
00:57:06,071 --> 00:57:10,870
ladies and gentlemen, I'm going
to the Legends Bucket, everybody.
1282
00:57:10,871 --> 00:57:12,437
- [crowd cheering]
- [upbeat music playing]
1283
00:57:12,438 --> 00:57:14,138
And well, well, well...
1284
00:57:15,938 --> 00:57:17,537
How lucky are we?
1285
00:57:17,538 --> 00:57:20,370
Who better to go after Jim Martin
1286
00:57:20,371 --> 00:57:25,737
than the man that I truly believe
is the best comedian in the world?
1287
00:57:25,738 --> 00:57:32,170
I present to you your favorite comedian's
favorite comedian, the true...
1288
00:57:32,171 --> 00:57:36,204
The true, in my opinion, king of New York...
1289
00:57:36,205 --> 00:57:38,570
Ladies and gentlemen, the GOAT...
1290
00:57:38,571 --> 00:57:39,937
Dave Attell!
1291
00:57:39,938 --> 00:57:42,538
- [cheering and applause]
- [band plays intro music]
1292
00:57:52,571 --> 00:57:54,538
Thank you very much, everybody.
1293
00:57:56,538 --> 00:57:58,337
Got some big shoes to fill.
1294
00:57:58,338 --> 00:57:59,537
{\an8}[laughter]
1295
00:57:59,538 --> 00:58:02,104
{\an8}Hey, you know what?
Give it up for the last guy.
1296
00:58:02,105 --> 00:58:05,404
{\an8}- Guys, huh, come on. No, really.
- [scattered cheers and boos]
1297
00:58:05,405 --> 00:58:07,137
It's not every day...
1298
00:58:07,138 --> 00:58:10,037
It's not every day
you get to meet the next mayor.
1299
00:58:10,038 --> 00:58:12,205
- Now...
- [laughter]
1300
00:58:15,905 --> 00:58:16,938
Here we are.
1301
00:58:18,105 --> 00:58:19,770
And you guys are crushing it.
1302
00:58:19,771 --> 00:58:21,604
The last guy, he took it, didn't he?
1303
00:58:21,605 --> 00:58:24,704
Yeah, well, I'm going
to use the N word too.
1304
00:58:24,705 --> 00:58:26,905
- Is that okay, Tony?
- [laughter]
1305
00:58:27,571 --> 00:58:30,038
Newark Airport doesn't work, all right?
1306
00:58:31,338 --> 00:58:34,037
Any one of you who flew in here,
you ain't getting out.
1307
00:58:34,038 --> 00:58:35,238
You live here now.
1308
00:58:39,338 --> 00:58:41,038
New York needs tourism.
1309
00:58:41,805 --> 00:58:44,137
Applaud if you're a tourist.
I wanna hear it.
1310
00:58:44,138 --> 00:58:45,437
- [cheering and applause]
- Yes. Thank you.
1311
00:58:45,438 --> 00:58:47,937
Thank you for coming to New York.
1312
00:58:47,938 --> 00:58:50,537
We need tourism now more than ever.
1313
00:58:50,538 --> 00:58:53,504
Because everyone who lives here
has already been assaulted.
1314
00:58:53,505 --> 00:58:55,938
And we need fresh blood.
1315
00:58:56,971 --> 00:58:59,071
The subway god has to be fed.
1316
00:59:00,505 --> 00:59:02,138
Lord Choo Choo is hungry.
1317
00:59:03,738 --> 00:59:06,005
Those trains run on souls.
1318
00:59:06,871 --> 00:59:08,070
Get down there!
1319
00:59:08,071 --> 00:59:11,371
Look over the platform,
make some eye contact.
1320
00:59:15,371 --> 00:59:18,205
New York, you can't sit down anywhere...
1321
00:59:19,638 --> 00:59:21,370
but you can lay down everywhere.
1322
00:59:21,371 --> 00:59:23,871
- [laughter]
- Yeah, I know it.
1323
00:59:24,705 --> 00:59:27,505
Some of you probably stepped over me
on the way in here.
1324
00:59:29,571 --> 00:59:32,170
I saw a guy on the street
masturbating, right?
1325
00:59:32,171 --> 00:59:35,237
A woman walks past him and goes,
"Oh, it's too hot for that."
1326
00:59:35,238 --> 00:59:36,471
And it really was.
1327
00:59:38,471 --> 00:59:39,837
I didn't know that was seasonal.
1328
00:59:39,838 --> 00:59:41,638
[laughter]
1329
00:59:44,471 --> 00:59:46,037
I'm really stepping up my game.
1330
00:59:46,038 --> 00:59:48,004
It's not every day you get to perform
1331
00:59:48,005 --> 00:59:51,037
to the not Fantastic Four
but the available three.
1332
00:59:51,038 --> 00:59:53,605
[laughter]
1333
00:59:55,905 --> 00:59:58,905
[cheering and applause]
1334
01:00:02,038 --> 01:00:03,204
Oh, come on.
1335
01:00:03,205 --> 01:00:04,971
Come on, guys, please.
1336
01:00:06,171 --> 01:00:08,637
Don't waste my time,
I left the kid in the car.
1337
01:00:08,638 --> 01:00:10,138
[laughter]
1338
01:00:11,071 --> 01:00:13,637
Tony, you've done it again, and then some.
1339
01:00:13,638 --> 01:00:17,404
You keep saying, "Where dreams come true."
May I?
1340
01:00:17,405 --> 01:00:20,637
I mean, Madison Square Garden,
can I take it to the next level?
1341
01:00:20,638 --> 01:00:22,937
[cheering and applause]
1342
01:00:22,938 --> 01:00:24,605
- Thank you.
- [Tony cheering]
1343
01:00:25,605 --> 01:00:26,638
Yeah.
1344
01:00:27,771 --> 01:00:30,905
- [playing melodic tune on recorder]
- [laughter]
1345
01:00:37,971 --> 01:00:40,970
I'm just calling the homeless
that live in the train station.
1346
01:00:40,971 --> 01:00:42,637
- They'll be here any minute.
- [laughter]
1347
01:00:42,638 --> 01:00:45,571
- [resumes playing recorder]
- [applause]
1348
01:00:49,738 --> 01:00:52,604
For those who saw my special on Netflix,
Hot Cross Buns,
1349
01:00:52,605 --> 01:00:56,371
you know the recorder
is my guilty pleasure.
1350
01:00:57,471 --> 01:00:59,605
Now, Tony, did you play the recorder?
1351
01:01:00,105 --> 01:01:02,970
You didn't. You kind of look like
you played the inhaler.
1352
01:01:02,971 --> 01:01:06,504
But how about you, Matt?
I don't know you that well.
1353
01:01:06,505 --> 01:01:08,370
- Did you ever play?
- No, sir.
1354
01:01:08,371 --> 01:01:10,270
Exactly. You had friends.
1355
01:01:10,271 --> 01:01:13,370
Now, Normand,
I see you there playing the victim.
1356
01:01:13,371 --> 01:01:15,405
- Uh...
- [laughter]
1357
01:01:17,338 --> 01:01:18,738
Tony... [laughs]
1358
01:01:20,671 --> 01:01:22,970
The beauty of the recorder,
as we all know,
1359
01:01:22,971 --> 01:01:24,970
is you get to communicate with music.
1360
01:01:24,971 --> 01:01:27,804
Sometimes words don't do this so...
1361
01:01:27,805 --> 01:01:31,104
And I know this is
a super hardcore comedy crowd.
1362
01:01:31,105 --> 01:01:34,371
But out there somewhere,
someone's feelings have been hurt,
1363
01:01:35,238 --> 01:01:38,004
and that's why I've come up
with a little tune
1364
01:01:38,005 --> 01:01:40,705
to make it up
for all those with the hurt feelings.
1365
01:01:41,271 --> 01:01:44,005
[upbeat tune playing]
1366
01:01:48,038 --> 01:01:50,904
- Just an F and A energy.
- [laughter]
1367
01:01:50,905 --> 01:01:54,904
Just a simple little, "I hear you."
1368
01:01:54,905 --> 01:01:57,370
- [cheering and applause]
- We all hear you.
1369
01:01:57,371 --> 01:01:59,271
[guitar sting plays]
1370
01:02:00,671 --> 01:02:03,338
[continues playing tune]
1371
01:02:07,305 --> 01:02:09,805
[gentle piano notes playing in sync]
1372
01:02:11,938 --> 01:02:13,770
Close your eyes now,
1373
01:02:13,771 --> 01:02:16,504
and let me take you on a trip
to Trader Joe's.
1374
01:02:16,505 --> 01:02:18,505
- [laughter]
- [continues playing tune]
1375
01:02:20,771 --> 01:02:22,104
Sorry.
1376
01:02:22,105 --> 01:02:24,404
That wasn't... That was just my COPD.
1377
01:02:24,405 --> 01:02:25,405
- Now...
- [laughter]
1378
01:02:26,638 --> 01:02:29,404
I guess I should end it strong.
Am I right, or no?
1379
01:02:29,405 --> 01:02:31,738
- I think I'm doing okay, right? Yeah.
- [crowd cheering]
1380
01:02:32,771 --> 01:02:36,805
[plays upbeat tune]
1381
01:02:37,971 --> 01:02:40,838
- Well, for those of you from... [laughs]
- [laughter]
1382
01:02:42,205 --> 01:02:46,237
For those of you from... [chuckles]
...from New York, here's some advice.
1383
01:02:46,238 --> 01:02:49,404
Okay, first off,
you can't smell it all in one day.
1384
01:02:49,405 --> 01:02:51,438
- Now... [laughs]
- [laughter]
1385
01:02:56,038 --> 01:03:00,738
It's late, my favorite time of night,
when the city bikes are all docked again.
1386
01:03:02,971 --> 01:03:04,771
Safely back in the rack.
1387
01:03:06,305 --> 01:03:09,737
Do you think they talk to each other
about the rides they had, Tony?
1388
01:03:09,738 --> 01:03:10,770
Oh, yeah!
1389
01:03:10,771 --> 01:03:12,704
"Where were you today, city bike?"
1390
01:03:12,705 --> 01:03:14,304
"Oh, I went around Central Park."
1391
01:03:14,305 --> 01:03:15,237
"How about you?"
1392
01:03:15,238 --> 01:03:17,304
"I was involved in a hate crime."
1393
01:03:17,305 --> 01:03:18,237
"Nice."
1394
01:03:18,238 --> 01:03:19,804
- [laughter]
- Good night. God bless.
1395
01:03:19,805 --> 01:03:21,437
- Kill Tony forever.
- [cheering and applause]
1396
01:03:21,438 --> 01:03:26,104
The great Dave Attell,
ladies and gentlemen.
1397
01:03:26,105 --> 01:03:30,537
His special, Hot Cross Buns,
is on Netflix.
1398
01:03:30,538 --> 01:03:34,104
Watch right after this,
if you haven't already.
1399
01:03:34,105 --> 01:03:35,771
[band plays upbeat music]
1400
01:03:36,705 --> 01:03:39,904
One more time
for the great Dave Attell, everyone.
1401
01:03:39,905 --> 01:03:42,170
[cheering and applause]
1402
01:03:42,171 --> 01:03:44,204
We're going to bucket pull number four,
1403
01:03:44,205 --> 01:03:46,437
ladies and gentlemen,
we're flying through it.
1404
01:03:46,438 --> 01:03:49,237
Make some noise for Brennan Jim.
1405
01:03:49,238 --> 01:03:52,837
Bucket pull number four, Brennan Jim.
1406
01:03:52,838 --> 01:03:55,438
[band plays intro music]
1407
01:03:57,205 --> 01:04:00,637
Make some noise
for Heidi and Valerie too, huh?
1408
01:04:00,638 --> 01:04:02,471
[cheering and applause]
1409
01:04:04,405 --> 01:04:07,338
Here comes Brennan Jim.
1410
01:04:09,771 --> 01:04:11,805
Brennan Jim.
1411
01:04:17,405 --> 01:04:18,705
What's up, guys?
1412
01:04:19,271 --> 01:04:21,637
You know, I'm actually
a pretty nervous guy.
1413
01:04:21,638 --> 01:04:25,970
I get a little bit of stage fright,
you know, and people always ask me,
1414
01:04:25,971 --> 01:04:28,104
"Why do you do standup comedy
1415
01:04:28,105 --> 01:04:30,837
if you suffer from social anxiety
and stage fright?"
1416
01:04:30,838 --> 01:04:33,770
I tell them it's this little thing
called exposure therapy.
1417
01:04:33,771 --> 01:04:37,604
If you don't know what that is,
it's like, if you're afraid of something,
1418
01:04:37,605 --> 01:04:39,404
you just go around it for a while
1419
01:04:39,405 --> 01:04:41,837
and then, eventually,
you won't be afraid of it.
1420
01:04:41,838 --> 01:04:44,037
So like, say you're afraid of babies.
1421
01:04:44,038 --> 01:04:47,404
We would just take you
and throw you into a pool of babies
1422
01:04:47,405 --> 01:04:50,037
and suddenly,
you wouldn't be afraid anymore.
1423
01:04:50,038 --> 01:04:52,305
[crowd booing]
1424
01:04:53,171 --> 01:04:56,804
Let's say you have somebody
who is afraid of dead babies.
1425
01:04:56,805 --> 01:05:00,204
We just take you back to that pool
because nobody's watching those babies.
1426
01:05:00,205 --> 01:05:03,571
- [chuckles]
- [crowd booing]
1427
01:05:05,371 --> 01:05:09,637
I was telling my friend about this,
and I was like, "You have any advice?"
1428
01:05:09,638 --> 01:05:11,470
And he's like, "Uh, yeah."
1429
01:05:11,471 --> 01:05:14,504
He looks at me, "Why don't you
just picture the crowd naked?"
1430
01:05:14,505 --> 01:05:17,637
I was like, "In today's day and age,
that's like assault, isn't it?"
1431
01:05:17,638 --> 01:05:18,804
[crowd booing]
1432
01:05:18,805 --> 01:05:21,937
- But I like to listen to my elders.
- [kitten meows]
1433
01:05:21,938 --> 01:05:25,905
So I can tell you this,
looking at this crowd right now...
1434
01:05:26,938 --> 01:05:28,605
bad fucking advice.
1435
01:05:29,671 --> 01:05:32,070
And it's not because of you,
it's because of me.
1436
01:05:32,071 --> 01:05:33,437
[bear growls]
1437
01:05:33,438 --> 01:05:34,538
[Tony] Wow.
1438
01:05:35,038 --> 01:05:36,470
Wow.
1439
01:05:36,471 --> 01:05:40,270
Brennan Jim, how long have you
been doing standup comedy?
1440
01:05:40,271 --> 01:05:42,304
- About a year.
- About a year. Where at?
1441
01:05:42,305 --> 01:05:46,837
Um, I did one, actually, here in New York.
It was actually my first one.
1442
01:05:46,838 --> 01:05:49,804
- I did on the fourth of July last year.
- Where do you live?
1443
01:05:49,805 --> 01:05:51,537
I live in Elmira, New York.
1444
01:05:51,538 --> 01:05:52,970
- Elmira?
- Yeah.
1445
01:05:52,971 --> 01:05:54,270
[crowd booing]
1446
01:05:54,271 --> 01:05:56,170
How far away is that from here?
1447
01:05:56,171 --> 01:05:57,770
About three-and-a-half hours.
1448
01:05:57,771 --> 01:05:59,871
Three-and-a-half hours. North?
1449
01:06:00,905 --> 01:06:03,304
- Uh, west.
- Okay.
1450
01:06:03,305 --> 01:06:06,570
What's it known for?
What's Elmira, New York known for?
1451
01:06:06,571 --> 01:06:08,170
Oh, trains.
1452
01:06:08,171 --> 01:06:12,404
And then Ithaca is not far away.
And that's known for colleges and stuff.
1453
01:06:12,405 --> 01:06:15,437
And I've done a couple open mics
up in Ithaca.
1454
01:06:15,438 --> 01:06:18,670
Your interview is as exciting as your set.
1455
01:06:18,671 --> 01:06:20,971
- What do you do for work?
- [crowd shouting]
1456
01:06:21,638 --> 01:06:23,504
I, uh, I build stuff.
1457
01:06:23,505 --> 01:06:25,870
- I build trains, actually.
- [laughter]
1458
01:06:25,871 --> 01:06:27,170
- I used to...
- [train horn blows]
1459
01:06:27,171 --> 01:06:30,870
Growing up I always liked
Thomas the Tank Engine,
1460
01:06:30,871 --> 01:06:33,104
and now I get to build them. [chuckles]
1461
01:06:33,105 --> 01:06:34,771
Okay, well...
1462
01:06:35,938 --> 01:06:37,504
You're on the wrong track.
1463
01:06:37,505 --> 01:06:39,770
- Yeah, I know, right?
- [laughter]
1464
01:06:39,771 --> 01:06:41,804
You know,
you don't win them all. [chuckles]
1465
01:06:41,805 --> 01:06:43,437
Or maybe any.
1466
01:06:43,438 --> 01:06:46,637
What do you guys think about Brennan Jim?
Matt?
1467
01:06:46,638 --> 01:06:48,837
- Uh--
- Go ahead.
1468
01:06:48,838 --> 01:06:51,037
I thought it was Redban's best set.
1469
01:06:51,038 --> 01:06:53,637
[laughter]
1470
01:06:53,638 --> 01:06:56,670
Redban taking strays out here.
Mark Normand?
1471
01:06:56,671 --> 01:06:59,070
You build trains,
but you're giving trailer.
1472
01:06:59,071 --> 01:07:01,504
- Yeah.
- [laughter]
1473
01:07:01,505 --> 01:07:03,270
You got an interesting look too.
1474
01:07:03,271 --> 01:07:05,937
In a tough set,
I'd go with a Zohran Bombdani.
1475
01:07:05,938 --> 01:07:07,370
[laughter]
1476
01:07:07,371 --> 01:07:08,870
I'm from West Virginia.
1477
01:07:08,871 --> 01:07:13,604
It's kind of a mix of a mountaineer look
and I'm-too-lazy-to-shave look, you know?
1478
01:07:13,605 --> 01:07:14,737
[Mark] A-ha!
1479
01:07:14,738 --> 01:07:17,304
- [crowd booing]
- Oh, boy.
1480
01:07:17,305 --> 01:07:20,104
- All right, well...
- It's a tough crowd, but...
1481
01:07:20,105 --> 01:07:21,737
Uh, no, you suck.
1482
01:07:21,738 --> 01:07:24,270
- [laughter]
- Here's a little joke book.
1483
01:07:24,271 --> 01:07:27,437
There he goes.
Bucket pull number four, Brennan Jim.
1484
01:07:27,438 --> 01:07:29,637
Is this a joke book? [chuckles]
1485
01:07:29,638 --> 01:07:32,337
[Tony] It's empty, just like yours is.
1486
01:07:32,338 --> 01:07:34,170
- [crowd groaning]
- [band plays light music]
1487
01:07:34,171 --> 01:07:37,237
All right, We're having fun here.
Let's do something special.
1488
01:07:37,238 --> 01:07:42,805
Ladies and gentlemen, one of the greatest
regulars in the history of the show,
1489
01:07:43,838 --> 01:07:49,738
a young legend who is a juggernaut,
absolutely flying through show business,
1490
01:07:50,305 --> 01:07:54,304
doing movies, turning down legendary gigs,
1491
01:07:54,305 --> 01:07:56,304
accepting other legendary gigs,
1492
01:07:56,305 --> 01:07:59,270
getting to pick and choose
what he does with his life
1493
01:07:59,271 --> 01:08:03,037
because he has ridden
the Kill Tony fucking wave
1494
01:08:03,038 --> 01:08:05,337
all the way to wherever he wants to go...
1495
01:08:05,338 --> 01:08:07,937
Ladies and gentlemen,
how loud can this place get
1496
01:08:07,938 --> 01:08:10,037
for the great Kam Patterson?
1497
01:08:10,038 --> 01:08:12,638
- [cheering and applause]
- [band plays intro music]
1498
01:08:29,838 --> 01:08:31,037
{\an8}What's up?
1499
01:08:31,038 --> 01:08:33,105
{\an8}[crowd cheering, whooping]
1500
01:08:34,605 --> 01:08:36,505
Hell yeah!
1501
01:08:37,338 --> 01:08:40,804
I've, uh... I've spent a lot of time
with my parents lately,
1502
01:08:40,805 --> 01:08:42,804
and I've been around my mom a lot,
1503
01:08:42,805 --> 01:08:45,538
and I've realized
that my mom is a psychopath.
1504
01:08:46,571 --> 01:08:49,237
It's funny 'cause like she...
I'm an only child.
1505
01:08:49,238 --> 01:08:51,004
So she didn't really have, like,
1506
01:08:51,005 --> 01:08:54,903
no guidelines on how to raise me,
she didn't know what she was doing.
1507
01:08:54,904 --> 01:08:56,670
I remember when I was real young,
1508
01:08:56,671 --> 01:09:01,070
if I ever got sick, she never gave me
like a hand to the forehead.
1509
01:09:01,071 --> 01:09:02,570
I never got one of those.
1510
01:09:02,571 --> 01:09:05,137
I never got one of these, dawg. Never.
1511
01:09:05,138 --> 01:09:09,338
If I was like, "Mama, I don't feel good,"
she would always go, "Drop them drawers."
1512
01:09:10,038 --> 01:09:12,004
And I would pull my pants down.
1513
01:09:12,005 --> 01:09:15,837
And if my balls was hanging down too low,
that means I had a fever.
1514
01:09:15,838 --> 01:09:17,570
[laughter]
1515
01:09:17,571 --> 01:09:19,705
That's not a real thing, dawg.
1516
01:09:20,338 --> 01:09:22,238
She made that shit up, man.
1517
01:09:22,971 --> 01:09:27,071
The worst part about it is I didn't know
that was wrong until last week, dawg.
1518
01:09:28,005 --> 01:09:29,903
Until my homeboy had a son.
1519
01:09:29,904 --> 01:09:32,037
He's like, "My son don't feel good."
1520
01:09:32,038 --> 01:09:34,537
- I said, "Check the nigga balls, dawg."
- [kitten meows]
1521
01:09:34,538 --> 01:09:36,970
"If his balls is hanging down,
he got a fever."
1522
01:09:36,971 --> 01:09:39,337
"Trust me. My mama told me that."
1523
01:09:39,338 --> 01:09:41,504
He said, "Nigga,
I think you got molested."
1524
01:09:41,505 --> 01:09:44,304
"Ain't no way in hell
that's a real thing."
1525
01:09:44,305 --> 01:09:46,770
Thank y'all so much. Been camp.
Appreciate y'all.
1526
01:09:46,771 --> 01:09:48,937
- [cheering and applause]
- Boom!
1527
01:09:48,938 --> 01:09:51,137
One minute, 15 seconds.
1528
01:09:51,138 --> 01:09:52,270
- [Kam] Pow!
- Did it again.
1529
01:09:52,271 --> 01:09:54,537
- Come on.
- The great Kam Patterson.
1530
01:09:54,538 --> 01:09:56,504
- You bet, baby.
- [Tony] I love it.
1531
01:09:56,505 --> 01:09:58,637
You're doing it. It's been a long time
1532
01:09:58,638 --> 01:10:01,204
since you've been on the show,
you've been working,
1533
01:10:01,205 --> 01:10:05,337
up here in New York, down in Florida,
all around, film and movies,
1534
01:10:05,338 --> 01:10:07,604
while continuing to do standup.
1535
01:10:07,605 --> 01:10:09,937
- How's life going, Kam?
- Life been great, bro.
1536
01:10:09,938 --> 01:10:11,404
I just did a movie. That was cool.
1537
01:10:11,405 --> 01:10:13,204
I gotta kiss bitches on camera.
Hell, yeah.
1538
01:10:13,205 --> 01:10:15,337
- Whoa!
- Yes, I'm a porn star now.
1539
01:10:15,338 --> 01:10:16,737
- Life is great.
- [laughter]
1540
01:10:16,738 --> 01:10:18,004
- Hell, yeah.
- Hell.
1541
01:10:18,005 --> 01:10:20,904
It was weird. The kissing ho's was...
it was strange, dawg,
1542
01:10:20,905 --> 01:10:24,170
'cause, you know, movies,
they got like an intimacy coordinator.
1543
01:10:24,171 --> 01:10:26,537
They got to watch you kiss and shit.
1544
01:10:26,538 --> 01:10:29,370
And I thought I was gonna be
more like an HR situation.
1545
01:10:29,371 --> 01:10:32,770
But she was more like, "Yeah,
you kissing real good right now?"
1546
01:10:32,771 --> 01:10:35,004
- [laughter]
- "Yeah, you're doing great, nigga."
1547
01:10:35,005 --> 01:10:35,904
"Kiss her harder."
1548
01:10:35,905 --> 01:10:36,904
It was weird.
1549
01:10:36,905 --> 01:10:39,270
- Wow.
- That's a real strange shit, dawg.
1550
01:10:39,271 --> 01:10:41,770
That's a real job?
An intimacy coordinator?
1551
01:10:41,771 --> 01:10:42,937
Pretty fucked up.
1552
01:10:42,938 --> 01:10:45,204
It was a fat white lady, and she was bald.
1553
01:10:45,205 --> 01:10:47,270
- Oh. Shit.
- Yeah.
1554
01:10:47,271 --> 01:10:48,904
New York's treating you well?
1555
01:10:48,905 --> 01:10:50,504
Yeah, been great, man.
1556
01:10:50,505 --> 01:10:51,937
It's been pretty cool, bro.
1557
01:10:51,938 --> 01:10:52,870
Hell, yeah.
1558
01:10:52,871 --> 01:10:54,304
Come on. He fits right in.
1559
01:10:54,305 --> 01:10:56,204
[laughter]
1560
01:10:56,205 --> 01:10:57,271
Appreciate you.
1561
01:10:58,205 --> 01:10:59,670
- Yeah, I love it.
- Hell, yeah.
1562
01:10:59,671 --> 01:11:01,637
[Matt] I'm excited
to see you in more movies.
1563
01:11:01,638 --> 01:11:04,570
That's the game plan.
I can't act real good, but it's fun.
1564
01:11:04,571 --> 01:11:06,804
No. You're the next Jonathan Minors.
1565
01:11:06,805 --> 01:11:09,004
- I don't know who the fuck that is.
- [laughter]
1566
01:11:09,005 --> 01:11:10,070
Jonathan Majors.
1567
01:11:10,071 --> 01:11:12,604
- Oh, what he do?
- Well, it depends on who you ask.
1568
01:11:12,605 --> 01:11:15,437
Okay, well, there you go.
I don't want to be that nigga.
1569
01:11:15,438 --> 01:11:17,937
- [laughter]
- I will say that's weird, though.
1570
01:11:17,938 --> 01:11:20,170
The movie shit is strange because I can't.
1571
01:11:20,171 --> 01:11:24,304
I can't act. And I'm acting with people
that can act like the girls I was kissing.
1572
01:11:24,305 --> 01:11:26,737
They can act for real.
You feel what I'm saying?
1573
01:11:26,738 --> 01:11:29,404
So when we were kissing and shit,
my dick would get hard.
1574
01:11:29,405 --> 01:11:32,637
- Because I'm not an actor.
- [laughter]
1575
01:11:32,638 --> 01:11:35,604
You feel what I'm saying? Like my dick
is thinking that you want to fuck us.
1576
01:11:35,605 --> 01:11:36,970
[laughter]
1577
01:11:36,971 --> 01:11:39,237
- Your dick was in a documentary.
- A hun--
1578
01:11:39,238 --> 01:11:41,071
[laughter]
1579
01:11:42,471 --> 01:11:44,637
- Hell, yeah.
- I love it.
1580
01:11:44,638 --> 01:11:47,370
What else you been doing for fun?
Dad's good...
1581
01:11:47,371 --> 01:11:51,370
I saw ya. I've been hanging out the last
couple of nights with you and the fam.
1582
01:11:51,371 --> 01:11:53,137
- Hell, yeah.
- Your dad's out.
1583
01:11:53,138 --> 01:11:55,304
- Dad's feet are out.
- All the way out.
1584
01:11:55,305 --> 01:11:58,304
It's insane to have your feet
out in New York, nigga.
1585
01:11:58,305 --> 01:12:01,704
But his feet scare rats, so that's fine.
You feel what I'm saying?
1586
01:12:01,705 --> 01:12:03,304
- Yeah.
- Real shit.
1587
01:12:03,305 --> 01:12:05,837
- Yeah, no doubt about it. Amazing.
- Real shit.
1588
01:12:05,838 --> 01:12:08,504
I love it. What else, Kam? Anything else?
1589
01:12:08,505 --> 01:12:11,004
That's it. Just been running around.
You feel me.
1590
01:12:11,005 --> 01:12:13,070
- You're crushing.
- Trying to get better.
1591
01:12:13,071 --> 01:12:14,904
No, no smash and grabs?
1592
01:12:14,905 --> 01:12:16,304
Nah, not yet.
1593
01:12:16,305 --> 01:12:19,605
- All right.
- I'm thinking about it, though. [laughs]
1594
01:12:20,505 --> 01:12:21,870
Kam, you're killing it.
1595
01:12:21,871 --> 01:12:24,437
You've taken all the momentum
from this show
1596
01:12:24,438 --> 01:12:27,970
- and you are absolutely crushing in life.
- [cheering and applause]
1597
01:12:27,971 --> 01:12:30,437
- Appreciate it.
- Perhaps more than anybody has
1598
01:12:30,438 --> 01:12:32,437
with the opportunity given to you.
1599
01:12:32,438 --> 01:12:33,970
It's absolutely incredible.
1600
01:12:33,971 --> 01:12:36,770
One of my best friends,
one of my favorite comedians,
1601
01:12:36,771 --> 01:12:40,170
make some noise one more time
for Kam Patterson, everybody.
1602
01:12:40,171 --> 01:12:43,070
- [cheering and applause]
- [band plays upbeat music]
1603
01:12:43,071 --> 01:12:44,637
Let's go Legends Bucket, huh?
1604
01:12:44,638 --> 01:12:47,037
- Legends Bucket again?
- [Mark] Yeah!
1605
01:12:47,038 --> 01:12:48,605
Let's fucking do it!
1606
01:12:49,338 --> 01:12:53,837
Ladies and gentlemen,
oh, my God, I present to you
1607
01:12:53,838 --> 01:12:56,605
one of my best drinking buddies.
1608
01:12:57,405 --> 01:13:01,637
He is formerly a full time New Yorker
1609
01:13:01,638 --> 01:13:05,270
and now lives in Austin, Texas.
1610
01:13:05,271 --> 01:13:07,204
Make some noise for one of the best.
1611
01:13:07,205 --> 01:13:12,237
Truly the great,
Joe DeRosa, everybody, is here.
1612
01:13:12,238 --> 01:13:14,737
- Live in the flesh.
- [band plays intro music]
1613
01:13:14,738 --> 01:13:15,904
Yeah!
1614
01:13:15,905 --> 01:13:18,171
[cheering and applause]
1615
01:13:21,671 --> 01:13:24,570
{\an8}Hey, hey.
1616
01:13:24,571 --> 01:13:26,670
{\an8}- MSG.
- [crowd cheering]
1617
01:13:26,671 --> 01:13:28,338
What's going on?
1618
01:13:32,438 --> 01:13:36,070
I was texting with a woman recently,
1619
01:13:36,071 --> 01:13:40,504
and I was positive
I was gonna have phone sex.
1620
01:13:40,505 --> 01:13:45,005
Positive because it was 11:45 p.m.
1621
01:13:46,205 --> 01:13:49,705
And she wrote, "Are you all cozy in bed?"
1622
01:13:50,838 --> 01:13:54,104
And I said, "Yes, I am."
1623
01:13:54,105 --> 01:13:55,537
[laughter]
1624
01:13:55,538 --> 01:13:57,571
I was lying. I was in a chair.
1625
01:13:58,338 --> 01:14:01,637
Well, you lie when that text comes in.
You could be making fajitas.
1626
01:14:01,638 --> 01:14:03,605
You're like, "Fuck it, they'll burn."
1627
01:14:04,338 --> 01:14:06,570
I wanna jizz.
1628
01:14:06,571 --> 01:14:08,205
[laughter]
1629
01:14:09,505 --> 01:14:10,804
Then she wrote,
1630
01:14:10,805 --> 01:14:13,671
"So, what's on your mind?"
1631
01:14:14,671 --> 01:14:17,905
I was like, "Oh, shit,
here we fucking go."
1632
01:14:19,071 --> 01:14:20,771
And I thought, let me be smooth.
1633
01:14:21,338 --> 01:14:22,937
Let me be smooth.
1634
01:14:22,938 --> 01:14:26,505
So I said, "That's a great question."
1635
01:14:27,671 --> 01:14:30,338
"What's on your mind?"
1636
01:14:31,905 --> 01:14:33,570
Three dots started going.
1637
01:14:33,571 --> 01:14:35,871
I was staring at those fucking dots.
1638
01:14:36,538 --> 01:14:39,704
I can't wait to see
what's on this bitch's mind.
1639
01:14:39,705 --> 01:14:42,271
- [laughter]
- [breathing heavily]
1640
01:14:43,938 --> 01:14:45,305
You know what she said?
1641
01:14:46,371 --> 01:14:47,604
Palestine.
1642
01:14:47,605 --> 01:14:49,671
- [laughter]
- [Mark groans]
1643
01:14:50,671 --> 01:14:53,338
Pales-- And with a full fucking boner.
1644
01:14:54,371 --> 01:14:58,304
I had to type, "I do not feel
well-read enough on that subject
1645
01:14:58,305 --> 01:15:00,404
to discuss it properly at the moment."
1646
01:15:00,405 --> 01:15:01,871
[laughter]
1647
01:15:03,571 --> 01:15:05,937
Fellas. Let that be a lesson to you.
1648
01:15:05,938 --> 01:15:09,005
Always lob it back once for safety.
1649
01:15:10,605 --> 01:15:13,670
Doesn't matter how much
of a green light you think you have.
1650
01:15:13,671 --> 01:15:16,571
Lob it the fuck back once.
1651
01:15:18,171 --> 01:15:20,770
'Cause "So, what's on your mind?"
1652
01:15:20,771 --> 01:15:23,505
That sounds like a goddamn
green light, doesn't it?
1653
01:15:24,671 --> 01:15:26,238
Good thing I didn't tell her.
1654
01:15:27,771 --> 01:15:29,604
Good thing I didn't go,
"What's on my mind?"
1655
01:15:29,605 --> 01:15:32,404
"I want to shoot my load all over
your fat fucking tits right now."
1656
01:15:32,405 --> 01:15:34,070
- "That's what's on my mind."
- [laughter]
1657
01:15:34,071 --> 01:15:36,004
"Then I want to finger fuck your pussy
1658
01:15:36,005 --> 01:15:38,970
till you squirt on my palm.
That's what's on my mind."
1659
01:15:38,971 --> 01:15:41,737
"Then I want you to suck my dick
till you drink my jizz
1660
01:15:41,738 --> 01:15:43,270
all the way down your throat."
1661
01:15:43,271 --> 01:15:45,070
"That's what's on my mind."
1662
01:15:45,071 --> 01:15:47,437
[cheering and applause]
1663
01:15:47,438 --> 01:15:50,504
"What's on your mind?"
1664
01:15:50,505 --> 01:15:52,338
[laughter]
1665
01:15:53,205 --> 01:15:54,538
Palestine?
1666
01:15:56,771 --> 01:15:59,104
"No, no, no.
That's what I was talking about."
1667
01:15:59,105 --> 01:16:01,870
"That happened to a guy there today.
It was on the news."
1668
01:16:01,871 --> 01:16:03,270
"It was horrible."
1669
01:16:03,271 --> 01:16:06,004
"We must stop this conflict."
1670
01:16:06,005 --> 01:16:08,370
All right, guys, I gotta go.
Thank you so much.
1671
01:16:08,371 --> 01:16:10,537
- Kill Tony, appreciate you.
- [cheering and applause]
1672
01:16:10,538 --> 01:16:12,770
Appreciate you, appreciate you.
1673
01:16:12,771 --> 01:16:15,004
Joe, you are the fucking man.
1674
01:16:15,005 --> 01:16:16,704
- Love you, buddy.
- So awesome.
1675
01:16:16,705 --> 01:16:18,437
We always have so much fun.
1676
01:16:18,438 --> 01:16:21,370
We've been having fun.
We had too much fun two nights ago.
1677
01:16:21,371 --> 01:16:22,670
Fucked me up last night.
1678
01:16:22,671 --> 01:16:24,904
I had to do standup here last night.
1679
01:16:24,905 --> 01:16:27,670
Something about you
just makes me want to drink, dude.
1680
01:16:27,671 --> 01:16:29,737
- [laughs]
- I don't know what it is, man.
1681
01:16:29,738 --> 01:16:32,104
It is so fucking cool to be here.
1682
01:16:32,105 --> 01:16:34,670
Thank you for having me
and I want to say this.
1683
01:16:34,671 --> 01:16:36,037
[crowd cheering]
1684
01:16:36,038 --> 01:16:39,770
I want to say this on Netflix
in front of all these people here.
1685
01:16:39,771 --> 01:16:42,004
Dude, I've been doing this show with you
1686
01:16:42,005 --> 01:16:45,237
since it was in the belly room
at the comedy store
1687
01:16:45,238 --> 01:16:47,370
and there was 20 people there.
1688
01:16:47,371 --> 01:16:50,570
- This is fucking insane.
- [applause]
1689
01:16:50,571 --> 01:16:52,937
- Thank you, buddy.
- You changed shit, buddy.
1690
01:16:52,938 --> 01:16:55,737
- Thank you for making me a part of it.
- You're the man.
1691
01:16:55,738 --> 01:16:58,970
- Joe DeRosa. Ladies and gentlemen.
- Love you, guys. Good night.
1692
01:16:58,971 --> 01:17:00,770
- [cheering and applause]
- joederosa.com.
1693
01:17:00,771 --> 01:17:02,704
He's on tour and his special
1694
01:17:02,705 --> 01:17:06,270
I Never Promised You a Rose Garden
is out there right now.
1695
01:17:06,271 --> 01:17:07,237
[Redban] The best special.
1696
01:17:07,238 --> 01:17:10,270
[Tony] And it is one of the best
specials of the year.
1697
01:17:10,271 --> 01:17:14,070
Let's keep this fun train
moving along, everybody.
1698
01:17:14,071 --> 01:17:15,837
We're gonna go bucket pull five.
1699
01:17:15,838 --> 01:17:17,305
[band plays light music]
1700
01:17:18,371 --> 01:17:20,637
Here we go.
We're gonna meet 'em all together.
1701
01:17:20,638 --> 01:17:23,371
We're 50-50. Booze through the set.
1702
01:17:24,905 --> 01:17:27,804
Try to hold your booze
at least until they're done.
1703
01:17:27,805 --> 01:17:29,404
Try your best.
1704
01:17:29,405 --> 01:17:32,604
It's more fun if you wait,
and then at the end of 60 seconds,
1705
01:17:32,605 --> 01:17:34,471
you just let it rip all at once.
1706
01:17:35,005 --> 01:17:37,504
Let's try our best, make some noise,
1707
01:17:37,505 --> 01:17:40,237
someone hopefully
trying to make it tonight.
1708
01:17:40,238 --> 01:17:46,437
It's Ryan P. Flaherty, Ryan P. Flaherty.
1709
01:17:46,438 --> 01:17:48,738
- [band plays intro music]
- [scattered applause]
1710
01:17:51,305 --> 01:17:54,504
What's up, New York?
I like blow jobs, too.
1711
01:17:54,505 --> 01:17:56,838
[crowd cheering]
1712
01:17:58,238 --> 01:18:00,370
Hi, guys. My name's Ryan.
1713
01:18:00,371 --> 01:18:06,437
I look like my most recent Internet search
was just "vacuum, dick, stuck, help."
1714
01:18:06,438 --> 01:18:08,005
[laughter]
1715
01:18:09,705 --> 01:18:14,671
I look like I would be a camp counselor
for theater kids on Klonopin.
1716
01:18:17,405 --> 01:18:20,104
I'd like to do a dad joke.
Is that okay with y'all?
1717
01:18:20,105 --> 01:18:22,038
[crowd cheering]
1718
01:18:23,138 --> 01:18:26,504
Uh, as someone whose dad is named Frank
1719
01:18:26,505 --> 01:18:29,670
and whose dad
is on the sex offender registry...
1720
01:18:29,671 --> 01:18:31,170
[laughter]
1721
01:18:31,171 --> 01:18:34,237
...any time somebody starts a sentence
like, "I'll just be frank."
1722
01:18:34,238 --> 01:18:36,638
I want to go... "No!"
1723
01:18:39,305 --> 01:18:41,104
"You don't wanna do that." [chuckles]
1724
01:18:41,105 --> 01:18:42,670
It's fine. He's dead. [chuckles]
1725
01:18:42,671 --> 01:18:44,205
- To me.
- [laughter]
1726
01:18:45,171 --> 01:18:46,737
It's a big night for me, y'all.
1727
01:18:46,738 --> 01:18:48,204
I'm so glad to be here.
1728
01:18:48,205 --> 01:18:52,571
I don't normally do this,
but I brought business cards tonight.
1729
01:18:53,271 --> 01:18:54,270
[kitten meows]
1730
01:18:54,271 --> 01:18:58,404
They're not mine. But I've been finding
cool ones and writing my shit on the back.
1731
01:18:58,405 --> 01:19:00,804
If you're type O-positive,
Earl needs a kidney.
1732
01:19:00,805 --> 01:19:03,037
- Thank you so much. I'm Ryan.
- [cheering and applause]
1733
01:19:03,038 --> 01:19:04,737
[Tony] Ryan P. Flaherty.
1734
01:19:04,738 --> 01:19:06,837
You did it, Ryan P.
1735
01:19:06,838 --> 01:19:09,270
- Thanks, guys. [laughs]
- Hell, yeah.
1736
01:19:09,271 --> 01:19:11,004
How long you been doing standup?
1737
01:19:11,005 --> 01:19:13,170
Uh, if you count COVID, like, seven years.
1738
01:19:13,171 --> 01:19:14,904
Nice. All of it here in New York?
1739
01:19:14,905 --> 01:19:17,304
No, I'm from Scranton, Pennsylvania.
1740
01:19:17,305 --> 01:19:18,270
- Okay.
- [crowd cheering]
1741
01:19:18,271 --> 01:19:19,404
Wow.
1742
01:19:19,405 --> 01:19:21,937
Rock solid for being from Scranton, PA.
1743
01:19:21,938 --> 01:19:23,337
What do you do for work?
1744
01:19:23,338 --> 01:19:25,370
I'm a maintenance kind of guy.
1745
01:19:25,371 --> 01:19:26,637
I just do stupid shit.
1746
01:19:26,638 --> 01:19:27,704
Grout, paint.
1747
01:19:27,705 --> 01:19:30,404
I work on fast food ice cream machines.
1748
01:19:30,405 --> 01:19:31,970
Whoa, that's you.
1749
01:19:31,971 --> 01:19:34,537
- An American hero.
- I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
1750
01:19:34,538 --> 01:19:36,870
No, it's great.
You're the one that fixes 'em.
1751
01:19:36,871 --> 01:19:37,770
Yep.
1752
01:19:37,771 --> 01:19:39,870
You also look like
you might break them sometimes too.
1753
01:19:39,871 --> 01:19:40,870
[laughter]
1754
01:19:40,871 --> 01:19:42,370
- I love it.
- Keeps me busy.
1755
01:19:42,371 --> 01:19:44,237
I love it. You married?
1756
01:19:44,238 --> 01:19:45,370
Uh, yeah.
1757
01:19:45,371 --> 01:19:46,437
You got kids?
1758
01:19:46,438 --> 01:19:48,504
- Uh, yeah. One kid.
- One kid.
1759
01:19:48,505 --> 01:19:49,970
- Yeah.
- How old's the kid?
1760
01:19:49,971 --> 01:19:51,904
- Just turned 12. Pretty cool.
- Twelve.
1761
01:19:51,905 --> 01:19:53,870
- Awesome. Boy or girl?
- Hell, yeah, man.
1762
01:19:53,871 --> 01:19:55,070
Girl-- Uh, boy.
1763
01:19:55,071 --> 01:19:56,104
Wow. Look at that.
1764
01:19:56,105 --> 01:19:57,137
- Trans.
- [laughter]
1765
01:19:57,138 --> 01:19:59,304
It's scary up here, guys. Come on.
1766
01:19:59,305 --> 01:20:02,137
- Got a trans 12-year-old. That's awesome.
- [laughs]
1767
01:20:02,138 --> 01:20:03,237
We'll see.
1768
01:20:03,238 --> 01:20:05,804
Jim Norton's backstage
googling her right now.
1769
01:20:05,805 --> 01:20:07,304
[laughter]
1770
01:20:07,305 --> 01:20:10,404
I love it. What do you do for fun,
Ryan P. Flaherty?
1771
01:20:10,405 --> 01:20:13,370
Dude, this, improv,
spend time with the family.
1772
01:20:13,371 --> 01:20:15,504
I don't got time. I just want to do this.
1773
01:20:15,505 --> 01:20:16,937
[Tony] I love it. Fucking awesome.
1774
01:20:16,938 --> 01:20:20,270
And look at you.
You're in Madison Square Garden right now.
1775
01:20:20,271 --> 01:20:22,238
[cheering and applause]
1776
01:20:24,005 --> 01:20:26,737
You went from standing out
on the street at 3:00 p.m.
1777
01:20:26,738 --> 01:20:29,837
Now you're in the Garden
performing a sold-out show.
1778
01:20:29,838 --> 01:20:31,037
You're on Netflix.
1779
01:20:31,038 --> 01:20:32,370
How do you feel?
1780
01:20:32,371 --> 01:20:34,570
So far, so-so, man. [chuckles]
1781
01:20:34,571 --> 01:20:36,037
Pretty cool with it.
1782
01:20:36,038 --> 01:20:39,204
This is going better than
I could have ever anticipated so far.
1783
01:20:39,205 --> 01:20:40,670
- [chuckles]
- Yeah.
1784
01:20:40,671 --> 01:20:43,437
- [cheering and applause]
- Wow.
1785
01:20:43,438 --> 01:20:44,837
[laughs] Yeah!
1786
01:20:44,838 --> 01:20:46,904
They like me, Tony. They really like me.
1787
01:20:46,905 --> 01:20:48,037
[Tony] They do.
1788
01:20:48,038 --> 01:20:52,537
Anything else interesting about your life
we should know about, Ryan P?
1789
01:20:52,538 --> 01:20:55,437
Um... I could wiggle my ears. Uh...
1790
01:20:55,438 --> 01:20:56,804
[Tony] Let's see that ear wiggle.
1791
01:20:56,805 --> 01:20:57,870
Let's see it.
1792
01:20:57,871 --> 01:21:00,604
Look right down at that camera.
Right down the center.
1793
01:21:00,605 --> 01:21:03,570
- There, you see a red light down there.
- I'll find it.
1794
01:21:03,571 --> 01:21:07,670
- [band plays upbeat music]
- Or it's right down the middle there.
1795
01:21:07,671 --> 01:21:09,738
- Are they wiggling?
- [crowd cheering]
1796
01:21:11,738 --> 01:21:13,405
Is that a good ear wiggle?
1797
01:21:14,971 --> 01:21:18,104
This is Kill Tony, ladies and gentlemen.
1798
01:21:18,105 --> 01:21:20,137
- Anything can happen.
- [laughter]
1799
01:21:20,138 --> 01:21:21,205
Amazing.
1800
01:21:21,871 --> 01:21:24,670
What else? Tell us something else
fun about your life.
1801
01:21:24,671 --> 01:21:29,070
Um... I lost my virginity
on the auditorium stage of my high school.
1802
01:21:29,071 --> 01:21:30,538
[crowd cheering]
1803
01:21:31,471 --> 01:21:33,305
You too? [chuckles]
1804
01:21:35,405 --> 01:21:38,037
[Tony] I'm getting word that we have
an instant replay available.
1805
01:21:38,038 --> 01:21:42,604
We have the director
of the UFC events here.
1806
01:21:42,605 --> 01:21:44,070
Can I see an instant replay?
1807
01:21:44,071 --> 01:21:46,004
I didn't get to see it. We have that.
1808
01:21:46,005 --> 01:21:48,937
We have that center screen. Where is that?
1809
01:21:48,938 --> 01:21:50,005
[Matt] What?
1810
01:21:51,005 --> 01:21:52,605
[Tony] Yeah, I still don't, really.
1811
01:21:53,505 --> 01:21:55,404
It's barely an ear wiggle, really.
1812
01:21:55,405 --> 01:21:57,504
[Redban] It's a ear-ish wiggle.
1813
01:21:57,505 --> 01:22:00,670
- Yeah, it's a lot of pressure, Tony.
- [Tony laughing]
1814
01:22:00,671 --> 01:22:03,037
[Matt] Just a little trick
to get the kids in the van.
1815
01:22:03,038 --> 01:22:04,670
- [Tony] Yeah.
- [laughter]
1816
01:22:04,671 --> 01:22:07,970
How do you look like a pedophile
but have a voice of the victim?
1817
01:22:07,971 --> 01:22:10,037
- [laughs in high-pitch]
- [laughter]
1818
01:22:10,038 --> 01:22:11,770
I'm just very special, Matt.
1819
01:22:11,771 --> 01:22:14,370
I love that you have a son.
Imagine your kids being bullied
1820
01:22:14,371 --> 01:22:18,104
and they're like, "My dad'll beat you up,"
and just another kid shows up.
1821
01:22:18,105 --> 01:22:21,604
Yeah, dude, I have to have his friends
that hit puberty go.
1822
01:22:21,605 --> 01:22:23,671
And, like, pretend they're me, you know?
1823
01:22:25,338 --> 01:22:26,337
All right.
1824
01:22:26,338 --> 01:22:27,870
[laughter]
1825
01:22:27,871 --> 01:22:30,270
Well, my friend,
you did fantastic tonight.
1826
01:22:30,271 --> 01:22:33,704
I do believe you're the most popular
comedian in Scranton right now.
1827
01:22:33,705 --> 01:22:37,470
How about one more time for
Ryan P. Flaherty, ladies and gentlemen?
1828
01:22:37,471 --> 01:22:41,104
- [cheering and applause]
- There he goes, everybody.
1829
01:22:41,105 --> 01:22:43,070
And we're gonna keep it moving along.
1830
01:22:43,071 --> 01:22:45,637
Ladies and gentlemen,
one of the greatest regulars
1831
01:22:45,638 --> 01:22:48,305
in the history of the show.
1832
01:22:49,071 --> 01:22:51,470
A freak of nature who--
1833
01:22:51,471 --> 01:22:56,071
This will be his second time
performing in Madison Square Garden.
1834
01:22:56,805 --> 01:22:59,470
Ladies and gentlemen, what can I say?
1835
01:22:59,471 --> 01:23:03,704
We're here at the Mecca,
the world's most famous arena.
1836
01:23:03,705 --> 01:23:09,137
The greatest unions, the greatest staff,
the greatest crew possible.
1837
01:23:09,138 --> 01:23:14,237
Every single person
at the Garden is a surgeon at their job.
1838
01:23:14,238 --> 01:23:19,970
And I think this arena represents America
better than any other place on earth.
1839
01:23:19,971 --> 01:23:21,604
[crowd cheering]
1840
01:23:21,605 --> 01:23:27,838
And this young man hopes to represent
America very soon as an American.
1841
01:23:28,471 --> 01:23:32,605
But today he remains
the Estonian assassin.
1842
01:23:33,271 --> 01:23:36,837
- Ladies and gentlemen, this is Ari Matti.
- [cheering and applause]
1843
01:23:36,838 --> 01:23:39,105
[band plays intro music]
1844
01:23:57,805 --> 01:23:59,005
[chuckles]
1845
01:24:01,838 --> 01:24:03,870
[inhales deeply]
1846
01:24:03,871 --> 01:24:07,671
I'm not a political guy.
1847
01:24:09,005 --> 01:24:10,205
I don't give a fuck.
1848
01:24:11,705 --> 01:24:15,038
I'm on whatever side
the person I'm talking to is on.
1849
01:24:16,838 --> 01:24:18,871
If you're a big-titted Muslim bitch,
1850
01:24:19,905 --> 01:24:21,738
"From the river to the sea," my queen.
1851
01:24:24,805 --> 01:24:27,671
I'm not like a guy who's like,
"Well, actually, fuck you."
1852
01:24:28,505 --> 01:24:31,271
I do whatever the 51% is doing.
1853
01:24:32,305 --> 01:24:35,404
If I'm on an airplane,
somebody puts their seat back to me,
1854
01:24:35,405 --> 01:24:38,870
I put my seat back
to whoever the fuck is behind me.
1855
01:24:38,871 --> 01:24:40,904
You fuck me? I fuck you.
1856
01:24:40,905 --> 01:24:43,005
[laughter]
1857
01:24:44,238 --> 01:24:46,237
That's how the world works.
1858
01:24:46,238 --> 01:24:48,704
We all go, "Fuck you! Fuck you!
1859
01:24:48,705 --> 01:24:50,237
Fuck you! Fuck you!
1860
01:24:50,238 --> 01:24:52,305
Fuck you!"
1861
01:24:54,971 --> 01:24:56,604
Until the last guy...
1862
01:24:56,605 --> 01:24:57,938
[laughter]
1863
01:25:01,205 --> 01:25:02,305
...can't.
1864
01:25:04,305 --> 01:25:05,870
I love living in America.
1865
01:25:05,871 --> 01:25:08,870
You guys are patriotic as fuck.
1866
01:25:08,871 --> 01:25:11,305
[cheering and applause]
1867
01:25:14,371 --> 01:25:16,138
Nobody fucks with America.
1868
01:25:17,438 --> 01:25:19,538
I love that you guys bombed Iran.
1869
01:25:21,038 --> 01:25:24,104
[chuckles] Not because
they had nuclear weapons,
1870
01:25:24,105 --> 01:25:26,737
but because they had the idea.
1871
01:25:26,738 --> 01:25:28,937
[laughter]
1872
01:25:28,938 --> 01:25:30,838
That's some gangster shit.
1873
01:25:34,038 --> 01:25:38,505
And I love when Americans are criticizing
Israel for really overreacting.
1874
01:25:39,438 --> 01:25:44,138
Oh, yeah? Kind of like
dropping two nuclear bombs
1875
01:25:45,805 --> 01:25:48,338
after somebody blows up
a couple of boats, huh?
1876
01:25:50,505 --> 01:25:52,070
[laughs]
1877
01:25:52,071 --> 01:25:53,705
I love that you guys did two.
1878
01:25:54,738 --> 01:25:59,205
I think after one, the Japanese
would have been like, "Oh, shit."
1879
01:26:00,138 --> 01:26:01,438
"Fuck!"
1880
01:26:02,771 --> 01:26:03,938
"Sorry."
1881
01:26:05,071 --> 01:26:07,004
"We didn't know you have the sun."
1882
01:26:07,005 --> 01:26:09,438
[laughter]
1883
01:26:11,438 --> 01:26:14,271
Remember when somebody blew up
a couple of towers?
1884
01:26:17,438 --> 01:26:20,205
A couple of teeny weeny towers
filled with Jews?
1885
01:26:23,238 --> 01:26:27,504
You guys are so patriotic
that even though it happened in New York,
1886
01:26:27,505 --> 01:26:31,304
there was guys in North Carolina
who saw that shit on TV,
1887
01:26:31,305 --> 01:26:34,337
and they were like, "Oh, yeah!"
1888
01:26:34,338 --> 01:26:36,205
[laughter]
1889
01:26:36,938 --> 01:26:41,470
[chuckles] You flew over an ocean,
into a desert...
1890
01:26:41,471 --> 01:26:42,871
"Where is he?"
1891
01:26:45,705 --> 01:26:48,370
I guess what I'm saying,
Estonians are not patriotic.
1892
01:26:48,371 --> 01:26:50,237
[laughter]
1893
01:26:50,238 --> 01:26:53,204
You know what Estonians did
when Russia invaded us?
1894
01:26:53,205 --> 01:26:56,670
- We learned the language. [laughs]
- [laughter]
1895
01:26:56,671 --> 01:26:57,704
Thank you, guys.
1896
01:26:57,705 --> 01:26:59,404
- Wow. What a vibe.
- [cheering and applause]
1897
01:26:59,405 --> 01:27:00,338
[Tony] Wow!
1898
01:27:01,138 --> 01:27:03,605
The force of Estonia.
1899
01:27:05,305 --> 01:27:10,104
The assassin has done
what he does yet again.
1900
01:27:10,105 --> 01:27:12,470
- Thank you.
- What a fucking set.
1901
01:27:12,471 --> 01:27:14,704
[sighs] I was so scared
to bring up that 9/11.
1902
01:27:14,705 --> 01:27:17,304
- I told you before... this was...
- [Tony laughs]
1903
01:27:17,305 --> 01:27:19,370
Oh, it's a good joke.
I'll never forget it.
1904
01:27:19,371 --> 01:27:22,171
- [laughter]
- [drum sting plays]
1905
01:27:23,005 --> 01:27:24,170
[Tony] Hell, yeah.
1906
01:27:24,171 --> 01:27:26,470
- It brought the place down.
- Wow.
1907
01:27:26,471 --> 01:27:27,970
I love it, Ari.
1908
01:27:27,971 --> 01:27:29,770
You're absolutely crushing.
1909
01:27:29,771 --> 01:27:30,870
Fantastic.
1910
01:27:30,871 --> 01:27:32,637
How are you enjoying New York?
1911
01:27:32,638 --> 01:27:33,770
Yeah. So much fun, yeah.
1912
01:27:33,771 --> 01:27:37,170
I came here a few days early
just to work that set out,
1913
01:27:37,171 --> 01:27:39,270
and it was awesome. Running around clubs.
1914
01:27:39,271 --> 01:27:41,604
I saw Mark Normand around.
He helped me a little.
1915
01:27:41,605 --> 01:27:42,804
That was awesome.
1916
01:27:42,805 --> 01:27:46,471
Just to work the jokes, I'll get
the real New York experience.
1917
01:27:47,338 --> 01:27:48,204
[Tony] Yeah.
1918
01:27:48,205 --> 01:27:50,438
[cheering and applause]
1919
01:27:52,105 --> 01:27:53,037
That was awesome.
1920
01:27:53,038 --> 01:27:54,137
[Tony] Yeah, you love it.
1921
01:27:54,138 --> 01:27:57,637
You're always grinding,
always hustling hard.
1922
01:27:57,638 --> 01:28:00,637
Mark, is this true?
You helped him out? What did you do?
1923
01:28:00,638 --> 01:28:02,370
Uh, I didn't touch any of that shit,
1924
01:28:02,371 --> 01:28:06,637
but no, no, we were working out.
Yeah, you got to run it.
1925
01:28:06,638 --> 01:28:07,570
It's the Garden.
1926
01:28:07,571 --> 01:28:09,504
- Yeah, it was awesome.
- You gotta prepare.
1927
01:28:09,505 --> 01:28:11,870
And Matt Rife,
on behalf of all the comedians,
1928
01:28:11,871 --> 01:28:14,470
thank you for bringing
the bitches out to comedy.
1929
01:28:14,471 --> 01:28:16,937
- Thank you very much.
- [laughter]
1930
01:28:16,938 --> 01:28:18,838
He's doing the Lord's work.
1931
01:28:19,705 --> 01:28:21,905
I've seen your crowds, thank heavens.
1932
01:28:23,205 --> 01:28:25,437
Can we pull up a Matt Rife shirtless pic?
1933
01:28:25,438 --> 01:28:26,337
What do you think?
1934
01:28:26,338 --> 01:28:29,104
- [Tony laughs] No, we don't have to...
- Okay.
1935
01:28:29,105 --> 01:28:31,270
Pull up a David Lucas shirtless pic.
1936
01:28:31,271 --> 01:28:33,637
[laughter]
1937
01:28:33,638 --> 01:28:36,438
- I have it on my... my wallpaper.
- [Ari] You have great genes.
1938
01:28:37,205 --> 01:28:38,704
Ari, what else is going on?
1939
01:28:38,705 --> 01:28:43,571
Well, we got, you know,
what happened to us on Thursday?
1940
01:28:44,305 --> 01:28:47,137
We go to a sauna. Russian sauna.
1941
01:28:47,138 --> 01:28:49,537
Steam? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Now you remember?
1942
01:28:49,538 --> 01:28:51,070
- Yes, I do remember.
- [Mark] Oh!
1943
01:28:51,071 --> 01:28:53,870
Me and Tony got sexually assaulted
in a steam room.
1944
01:28:53,871 --> 01:28:55,037
[Tony] We did.
1945
01:28:55,038 --> 01:28:56,070
[Mark] Redban?
1946
01:28:56,071 --> 01:28:58,204
- [Redban] No, I was not there.
- [laughter]
1947
01:28:58,205 --> 01:29:01,370
Redban can't handle temperatures over 75.
1948
01:29:01,371 --> 01:29:03,004
- [laughter]
- Uh...
1949
01:29:03,005 --> 01:29:06,204
But Ari and I are big time sweaters.
1950
01:29:06,205 --> 01:29:09,170
- We have, we own our own saunas at home.
- Yeah.
1951
01:29:09,171 --> 01:29:10,837
And when we come to New York City,
1952
01:29:10,838 --> 01:29:12,604
there is a place here that's been here
1953
01:29:12,605 --> 01:29:15,637
- since, what, 18-like-70.
- Yeah.
1954
01:29:15,638 --> 01:29:18,937
The Turkish Russian bathhouse it's called.
1955
01:29:18,938 --> 01:29:22,404
I've been there for like... I've gone there,
like, five years in a row.
1956
01:29:22,405 --> 01:29:25,970
But this is the first time I went there
and I saw you there.
1957
01:29:25,971 --> 01:29:29,104
- And it was Men's Thursday.
- Yeah.
1958
01:29:29,105 --> 01:29:30,770
And we found out together...
1959
01:29:30,771 --> 01:29:33,904
- Well, yeah.
- Thursdays between 1:00 and 5:00
1960
01:29:33,905 --> 01:29:37,070
- is what they call "Men's time..."
- See.
1961
01:29:37,071 --> 01:29:38,837
...which it seems like
we would fit in there.
1962
01:29:38,838 --> 01:29:41,570
I thought, "Men's time",
oh, my God, intelligent conversation,
1963
01:29:41,571 --> 01:29:44,370
- cocks out, fun times...
- Yeah.
1964
01:29:44,371 --> 01:29:45,604
[laughter]
1965
01:29:45,605 --> 01:29:47,804
- Instead, you know...
- Dude.
1966
01:29:47,805 --> 01:29:49,170
And it started kind of slow.
1967
01:29:49,171 --> 01:29:51,004
I don't know if we haven't really gone
1968
01:29:51,005 --> 01:29:53,870
over this since it happened,
but I saw one guy walking by
1969
01:29:53,871 --> 01:29:56,637
that was, I thought maybe he had,
like, an itch or something.
1970
01:29:56,638 --> 01:29:59,004
Like, it was kind of like
reverse backhand.
1971
01:29:59,005 --> 01:30:00,870
Yeah, it was like that. Exactly.
1972
01:30:00,871 --> 01:30:04,104
He was, you know, with the coin,
you know, just a little...
1973
01:30:04,105 --> 01:30:05,937
- maybe an itch.
- Yep.
1974
01:30:05,938 --> 01:30:07,570
If you've got an itch.
1975
01:30:07,571 --> 01:30:11,070
And then organically, Ari and I sitting
1976
01:30:11,071 --> 01:30:12,770
next to each other in the steam room,
1977
01:30:12,771 --> 01:30:15,104
- you know, you're kind of like, "Ugh..."
- You're in the haze.
1978
01:30:15,105 --> 01:30:18,404
Yeah, you're just, it's fucking...
It's kind of cloudy.
1979
01:30:18,405 --> 01:30:21,270
- And there's a guy directly across...
- Three inches from my face.
1980
01:30:21,271 --> 01:30:22,504
[laughter]
1981
01:30:22,505 --> 01:30:24,538
No, no, he was here. Tony's here...
1982
01:30:25,205 --> 01:30:26,404
- Dick here.
- Yeah.
1983
01:30:26,405 --> 01:30:27,337
[laughter]
1984
01:30:27,338 --> 01:30:30,204
And he was really... He was doing the...
1985
01:30:30,205 --> 01:30:33,737
No. At first I thought I'm seeing
a mirage or something
1986
01:30:33,738 --> 01:30:37,705
- because... half chubby doing, you know?
- Yep.
1987
01:30:38,338 --> 01:30:39,404
Yep.
1988
01:30:39,405 --> 01:30:42,237
And no one, see. Yes, Matt Rife.
1989
01:30:42,238 --> 01:30:44,504
- No one...
- [Tony] Yeah.
1990
01:30:44,505 --> 01:30:47,670
- See, no one is saying shit.
- Yeah.
1991
01:30:47,671 --> 01:30:49,637
[Tony] There's also, yeah,
that's worth noting...
1992
01:30:49,638 --> 01:30:51,704
- I look at Tony...
- ...seven or eight other guys
1993
01:30:51,705 --> 01:30:52,770
in this thing with us.
1994
01:30:52,771 --> 01:30:55,737
- Everybody's just kind of chill.
- I look at Tony. He's not bothered.
1995
01:30:55,738 --> 01:30:57,304
What? He's very comfortable.
1996
01:30:57,305 --> 01:30:59,571
[laughter]
1997
01:31:00,438 --> 01:31:03,104
The biggest smile I've ever seen
on his fucking face.
1998
01:31:03,105 --> 01:31:04,370
- It's true.
- And then...
1999
01:31:04,371 --> 01:31:07,204
Because I couldn't fucking believe
what was happening.
2000
01:31:07,205 --> 01:31:11,471
Yes. So then I go,
remember, in the steam room,
2001
01:31:12,005 --> 01:31:15,504
I just... I go, "Hey, dude,
are you jacking off?"
2002
01:31:15,505 --> 01:31:17,437
- [Tony] Yeah.
- [laughter]
2003
01:31:17,438 --> 01:31:19,970
Which I expected... "Oh!"
2004
01:31:19,971 --> 01:31:24,237
But his response,
no contact lost with cock.
2005
01:31:24,238 --> 01:31:26,370
- He goes, "Yeah."
- Yeah.
2006
01:31:26,371 --> 01:31:28,770
- [laughter]
- And he nodded like that.
2007
01:31:28,771 --> 01:31:33,637
He goes like that, and he's continuing
to do it with the powerful eye contact.
2008
01:31:33,638 --> 01:31:35,470
No blink, head nod.
2009
01:31:35,471 --> 01:31:37,804
So then... So then--
2010
01:31:37,805 --> 01:31:42,504
This is where Ari Matti
gained his citizenship at this moment.
2011
01:31:42,505 --> 01:31:47,304
- So then, I go get the fuck out of there.
- Yeah. Yeah.
2012
01:31:47,305 --> 01:31:49,737
And as soon as I said that,
2013
01:31:49,738 --> 01:31:52,937
I realized from the energy in the room,
2014
01:31:52,938 --> 01:31:55,170
- I'm the odd one out.
- Yeah.
2015
01:31:55,171 --> 01:31:56,937
- [laughter]
- [chuckles]
2016
01:31:56,938 --> 01:31:59,637
That's when it clicked, "Men's Thursday".
2017
01:31:59,638 --> 01:32:03,005
Dude, everyone was probably ready
to gobble, gobble...
2018
01:32:04,338 --> 01:32:09,170
and I just... [chuckles]
I thought I stopped a sexual assault,
2019
01:32:09,171 --> 01:32:11,704
- I think I interrupted an orgy.
- Yeah.
2020
01:32:11,705 --> 01:32:13,670
- [laughter]
- Yeah.
2021
01:32:13,671 --> 01:32:15,437
I got one more for ya.
2022
01:32:15,438 --> 01:32:18,037
I did a quick stop in today.
2023
01:32:18,038 --> 01:32:20,070
I'm like, I'm gonna fuck it,
and I'm gonna sweat out.
2024
01:32:20,071 --> 01:32:22,670
- [Ari] Of course you went back.
- Yeah, I went right back,
2025
01:32:22,671 --> 01:32:25,104
and this is open, back to normal.
2026
01:32:25,105 --> 01:32:29,070
What we've always been used to.
Not Thursdays 1:00 to 5:00.
2027
01:32:29,071 --> 01:32:34,170
I go back and I'm in that exact
steam room with some friends, right?
2028
01:32:34,171 --> 01:32:37,437
And then there's one guy there
that goes, "Man, is this great or what?"
2029
01:32:37,438 --> 01:32:39,170
I go, "I'll tell you, the other day,
2030
01:32:39,171 --> 01:32:42,137
there was a fucking guy
jerking off in this room."
2031
01:32:42,138 --> 01:32:44,170
"Fucking disgusting, right?"
2032
01:32:44,171 --> 01:32:48,004
He goes, "Thursday between 1:00 and 5:00?"
I go, "Yeah".
2033
01:32:48,005 --> 01:32:50,804
He goes, "Yeah, that's...
that's 'men's time.'"
2034
01:32:50,805 --> 01:32:53,337
I go, "Yeah,
but you're not supposed to jerk off."
2035
01:32:53,338 --> 01:32:54,437
"This place is supposed to be..."
2036
01:32:54,438 --> 01:32:56,770
He goes, "No, no, no. This is New York."
2037
01:32:56,771 --> 01:32:58,137
[laughter]
2038
01:32:58,138 --> 01:33:01,170
And I'm like, I can't wait
to get back to Texas.
2039
01:33:01,171 --> 01:33:03,271
- [laughter]
- [bird squawking]
2040
01:33:04,005 --> 01:33:06,537
You need guns here, motherfuckers.
You need guns.
2041
01:33:06,538 --> 01:33:08,004
Get your guns back.
2042
01:33:08,005 --> 01:33:09,737
[crowd cheering]
2043
01:33:09,738 --> 01:33:12,204
There's no jerking off in steam rooms
2044
01:33:12,205 --> 01:33:15,904
where everyone can possibly
have a gun underneath their towel.
2045
01:33:15,905 --> 01:33:17,004
[laughter]
2046
01:33:17,005 --> 01:33:19,270
- Redban.
- Why did you go back, though?
2047
01:33:19,271 --> 01:33:23,137
- I would never go back to that place.
- Yeah. Redban, you're so straight.
2048
01:33:23,138 --> 01:33:25,937
You would never go do something
healthy for your body again
2049
01:33:25,938 --> 01:33:28,837
- because one guy jerked off.
- Take a hot shower.
2050
01:33:28,838 --> 01:33:31,538
Yeah, a hot shower.
That's the same, Redban.
2051
01:33:32,071 --> 01:33:34,670
This guy has the same gunk
underneath his sweat pores
2052
01:33:34,671 --> 01:33:36,570
since 1989.
2053
01:33:36,571 --> 01:33:38,237
[laughter]
2054
01:33:38,238 --> 01:33:41,037
What's the healthiest thing
you think you've done in the past year?
2055
01:33:41,038 --> 01:33:43,870
- I ate pussy today.
- Wow. He ate pussy.
2056
01:33:43,871 --> 01:33:46,137
[cheering and applause]
2057
01:33:46,138 --> 01:33:49,538
- While she was on her period.
- While she was on her period.
2058
01:33:51,371 --> 01:33:53,637
- And I swallowed it.
- And he swallowed it.
2059
01:33:53,638 --> 01:33:56,771
Ladies and gentlemen,
Redban, an American hero.
2060
01:33:59,371 --> 01:34:00,505
So much fun.
2061
01:34:01,171 --> 01:34:04,370
[Tony] What kind of candy did she put
in her pussy for you to eat it?
2062
01:34:04,371 --> 01:34:05,804
[laughter]
2063
01:34:05,805 --> 01:34:07,105
- Kimchi.
- Kimchi.
2064
01:34:08,471 --> 01:34:09,405
All right.
2065
01:34:10,038 --> 01:34:12,270
Ari, you're a fucking beast.
2066
01:34:12,271 --> 01:34:13,870
You did it again tonight.
2067
01:34:13,871 --> 01:34:16,170
- Thank you so much.
- Un-fucking-believable.
2068
01:34:16,171 --> 01:34:19,370
Ladies and gentlemen,
make some noise for Ari Matti, everybody!
2069
01:34:19,371 --> 01:34:21,471
[cheering and applause]
2070
01:34:22,205 --> 01:34:23,704
We're gonna go Legends Bucket.
2071
01:34:23,705 --> 01:34:25,870
I know we already have momentum.
2072
01:34:25,871 --> 01:34:27,570
I shouldn't do it right now.
2073
01:34:27,571 --> 01:34:29,605
We're going Legends Bucket.
2074
01:34:30,705 --> 01:34:34,137
Oh, my God, ladies and gentlemen,
2075
01:34:34,138 --> 01:34:37,637
magic is about to happen
as I present to you,
2076
01:34:37,638 --> 01:34:44,170
the reigning defending
2024 guest of the year
2077
01:34:44,171 --> 01:34:48,270
here to do a spot
at Madison Square Garden,
2078
01:34:48,271 --> 01:34:51,604
make some fucking noise for Kill Tony icon
2079
01:34:51,605 --> 01:34:56,804
and one of the greatest comedic
movie stars of all time, Harland Williams.
2080
01:34:56,805 --> 01:34:59,605
- [cheering and applause]
- [band plays intro music]
2081
01:35:08,905 --> 01:35:09,905
[Harland] Wow.
2082
01:35:13,005 --> 01:35:14,338
{\an8}What a treat.
2083
01:35:16,305 --> 01:35:18,505
{\an8}I gotta tell you, folks, it's, uh...
2084
01:35:19,871 --> 01:35:23,505
It's a bit of an emotional night
for me to be here tonight.
2085
01:35:25,438 --> 01:35:27,204
My sister's here tonight.
2086
01:35:27,205 --> 01:35:31,337
She's in the very top row,
right on the railing up there, and...
2087
01:35:31,338 --> 01:35:33,371
[crowd cheering]
2088
01:35:35,838 --> 01:35:37,270
It's... It's been a little tough.
2089
01:35:37,271 --> 01:35:41,904
She's been, and it's tough to talk about,
but she's been suicidal.
2090
01:35:41,905 --> 01:35:44,471
[scattered laughter]
2091
01:35:49,771 --> 01:35:52,004
And they say that
laughter is the best medicine.
2092
01:35:52,005 --> 01:35:54,805
So I brought her here tonight
2093
01:35:55,605 --> 01:35:59,437
to maybe encourage her
to go forward with her dreams in life.
2094
01:35:59,438 --> 01:36:02,638
You can all help me tonight with a chant.
2095
01:36:03,971 --> 01:36:07,737
Jump, jump, jump, jump, jump,
2096
01:36:07,738 --> 01:36:11,470
jump, jump, jump, jump, jump!
2097
01:36:11,471 --> 01:36:12,838
Is she still there?
2098
01:36:14,671 --> 01:36:18,238
All right, well, we'll leave the car
running for you when you get home. Uh...
2099
01:36:20,338 --> 01:36:21,737
Sir, if you could fuck off.
2100
01:36:21,738 --> 01:36:23,305
[laughter]
2101
01:36:25,705 --> 01:36:27,170
Uh, it's good to be here.
2102
01:36:27,171 --> 01:36:30,170
Holy God, some guy recognized me
in the street today.
2103
01:36:30,171 --> 01:36:33,470
He ran up to me and he goes,
"Hey, man, I know you. You're crazy!"
2104
01:36:33,471 --> 01:36:36,571
And I said, "Yeah, I'm crazy, all right."
2105
01:36:37,505 --> 01:36:40,337
"Crazy like Forest Whitaker's left eye."
2106
01:36:40,338 --> 01:36:41,871
[laughter]
2107
01:36:46,738 --> 01:36:48,838
[crowd cheering]
2108
01:36:50,738 --> 01:36:54,737
He said to me, he said, "Hey, man,
you've been in the game a long time."
2109
01:36:54,738 --> 01:36:56,504
"Maybe it's time to get out."
2110
01:36:56,505 --> 01:37:00,237
And I said,
"Like a retard in a bouncy house..."
2111
01:37:00,238 --> 01:37:02,205
[laughter]
2112
01:37:05,338 --> 01:37:06,770
"...there ain't no getting out."
2113
01:37:06,771 --> 01:37:09,038
[laughter]
2114
01:37:14,505 --> 01:37:16,804
I was walking around in New York,
I don't vape
2115
01:37:16,805 --> 01:37:18,904
but I started vaping here in New York.
2116
01:37:18,905 --> 01:37:22,637
Not the little vape pens,
but about every four blocks,
2117
01:37:22,638 --> 01:37:26,105
you see a pipe sticking out of the road
with steam coming out of it.
2118
01:37:27,738 --> 01:37:30,337
I just walk up, plant my face right in it.
2119
01:37:30,338 --> 01:37:31,370
Holy shit!
2120
01:37:31,371 --> 01:37:33,105
The flavors are delicious.
2121
01:37:34,905 --> 01:37:39,037
Have you tried homeless-manure
urine-raspberry-sun blast?
2122
01:37:39,038 --> 01:37:40,471
[laughter]
2123
01:37:41,138 --> 01:37:46,171
How about suicidal-out-of-work
Broadway-actor-blueberry, anybody?
2124
01:37:48,671 --> 01:37:53,237
Just an hour ago,
I had sexual assault in the park,
2125
01:37:53,238 --> 01:37:55,338
cinnamon, cranberry,
2126
01:37:56,371 --> 01:37:58,838
that guy's teeth. No, I'm just kidding.
2127
01:38:02,271 --> 01:38:04,537
Sir, if you could go immediately
and stick your tongue
2128
01:38:04,538 --> 01:38:06,471
in the nearest electrical socket.
2129
01:38:09,738 --> 01:38:13,470
I got up at 5:30 in the morning,
2130
01:38:13,471 --> 01:38:16,137
this morning, I wanted to see New York
2131
01:38:16,138 --> 01:38:19,770
without all the the tourists
and all the people walking around.
2132
01:38:19,771 --> 01:38:23,304
So, I'm wandering around
at 5:30 in the morning,
2133
01:38:23,305 --> 01:38:25,938
and I got to tell you,
this city is haunting.
2134
01:38:27,138 --> 01:38:29,938
It is ghostly, dare I say enchanting.
2135
01:38:30,871 --> 01:38:34,637
I'm walking around at 5:30 in the morning
2136
01:38:34,638 --> 01:38:36,837
and all I hear is this... All I hear is...
2137
01:38:36,838 --> 01:38:39,371
[imitates wind howling]
2138
01:38:51,038 --> 01:38:52,637
[scattered cheers]
2139
01:38:52,638 --> 01:38:59,604
I look, I see a homeless guy
making wind noises.
2140
01:38:59,605 --> 01:39:01,671
[laughter]
2141
01:39:08,538 --> 01:39:10,371
I gave him $30.
2142
01:39:11,838 --> 01:39:14,837
Best blow job I've ever had,
I gotta tell you.
2143
01:39:14,838 --> 01:39:17,505
- Number one. One.
- [cheering and applause]
2144
01:39:22,071 --> 01:39:24,437
I picked up a girl in a bar last night.
2145
01:39:24,438 --> 01:39:27,170
Man, you can't tell those
trannies apart anymore.
2146
01:39:27,171 --> 01:39:29,004
- Holy fuck.
- [laughter]
2147
01:39:29,005 --> 01:39:31,304
This chick was a 12 out of 10.
2148
01:39:31,305 --> 01:39:35,270
I got the tranny home and we were
rolling around naked in the sheets.
2149
01:39:35,271 --> 01:39:38,737
We were feeling around and halfway
through it, I whisper in her ear,
2150
01:39:38,738 --> 01:39:44,770
I said, "I don't want to be insensitive,
but your pussy has a cock."
2151
01:39:44,771 --> 01:39:47,338
[laughter]
2152
01:39:49,638 --> 01:39:50,638
[chuckles]
2153
01:39:53,138 --> 01:39:55,505
"Your clit is about eight inches long
2154
01:39:57,205 --> 01:39:59,205
and there's a mushroom cap on top."
2155
01:40:00,771 --> 01:40:04,170
I mean, she was a great guy,
but I only lasted about three hours.
2156
01:40:04,171 --> 01:40:05,238
That's not for me.
2157
01:40:09,338 --> 01:40:12,270
I got a new tattoo.
You got a tattoo, buddy?
2158
01:40:12,271 --> 01:40:14,505
What do you got, my guy?
2159
01:40:15,305 --> 01:40:16,971
All kinds? Can you name one?
2160
01:40:19,171 --> 01:40:20,237
Your daughter's name.
2161
01:40:20,238 --> 01:40:22,637
So you don't know
your fucking daughter's name?
2162
01:40:22,638 --> 01:40:24,370
[laughter]
2163
01:40:24,371 --> 01:40:29,070
Do you open the door and go,
"Hey, it's time for dinner, uh...
2164
01:40:29,071 --> 01:40:30,005
Carol."
2165
01:40:33,438 --> 01:40:35,870
I got a new tattoo right here.
A brand new one.
2166
01:40:35,871 --> 01:40:38,970
It's a beauty. Holy God, I love it.
2167
01:40:38,971 --> 01:40:43,237
It's a tattoo of a giraffe
sleeping on a beanbag chair.
2168
01:40:43,238 --> 01:40:44,571
[laughter]
2169
01:40:47,238 --> 01:40:51,137
When it gets excited,
it runs in and out of caves and throws up.
2170
01:40:51,138 --> 01:40:53,405
[laughter]
2171
01:40:59,205 --> 01:41:01,704
Give my son and daughter a hand.
Aren't they great?
2172
01:41:01,705 --> 01:41:03,071
[laughter]
2173
01:41:05,271 --> 01:41:06,470
Folks, I love you.
2174
01:41:06,471 --> 01:41:08,304
I'll see my sister when I get home.
2175
01:41:08,305 --> 01:41:09,737
The guest of the year.
2176
01:41:09,738 --> 01:41:14,437
Reigning, defending,
the host of the Harland Highway podcast.
2177
01:41:14,438 --> 01:41:15,704
[cheering and applause]
2178
01:41:15,705 --> 01:41:18,370
One of the greatest guests
in the show's history.
2179
01:41:18,371 --> 01:41:20,770
One more time
for the great Harland Williams,
2180
01:41:20,771 --> 01:41:22,870
- ladies and gentlemen.
- Thank you.
2181
01:41:22,871 --> 01:41:24,705
[cheering and applause]
2182
01:41:25,871 --> 01:41:27,437
[Mark] Wow, what a legend.
2183
01:41:27,438 --> 01:41:29,337
That set got dumb and dumber.
2184
01:41:29,338 --> 01:41:30,970
- [drum sting plays]
- [Tony laughs]
2185
01:41:30,971 --> 01:41:32,137
[Tony] We're having fun.
2186
01:41:32,138 --> 01:41:35,837
I'm gonna keep the momentum up here.
Instead of going to the next bucket pull,
2187
01:41:35,838 --> 01:41:39,637
I think we should go with one of our
greatest golden ticket winners ever.
2188
01:41:39,638 --> 01:41:45,204
Ladies and gentlemen, this young lady
has always absolutely destroyed.
2189
01:41:45,205 --> 01:41:48,237
She is, without a doubt,
one of the most beloved figures
2190
01:41:48,238 --> 01:41:52,270
in Kill Tony history
from Nashville, Tennessee.
2191
01:41:52,271 --> 01:41:55,204
- Make some noise for Fiona Cauley.
- [cheering and applause]
2192
01:41:55,205 --> 01:41:57,238
[band plays intro music]
2193
01:42:07,371 --> 01:42:09,637
Here she comes.
2194
01:42:09,638 --> 01:42:10,905
She's back.
2195
01:42:12,571 --> 01:42:14,170
How loud can this place get?
2196
01:42:14,171 --> 01:42:16,304
Come on, Madison Square Garden.
2197
01:42:16,305 --> 01:42:18,271
[loud cheering]
2198
01:42:21,038 --> 01:42:23,304
One more time for Fiona Cauley.
2199
01:42:23,305 --> 01:42:25,805
{\an8}[cheering and applause]
2200
01:42:29,305 --> 01:42:31,870
New York City.
2201
01:42:31,871 --> 01:42:33,805
[crowd cheering]
2202
01:42:36,038 --> 01:42:38,971
- A lot of stairs. Um...
- [laughter]
2203
01:42:41,805 --> 01:42:47,470
Man, I... [chuckles]
I was recently approached
2204
01:42:47,471 --> 01:42:54,304
by a couple
in proposition for a threesome.
2205
01:42:54,305 --> 01:42:57,337
- [whooping from crowd]
- Oh, yeah.
2206
01:42:57,338 --> 01:43:02,405
I am always down for half the work. Um...
2207
01:43:03,638 --> 01:43:05,670
[chuckles]
2208
01:43:05,671 --> 01:43:09,905
I do bring my own cuck chair. Um...
2209
01:43:10,905 --> 01:43:12,837
[chuckles]
2210
01:43:12,838 --> 01:43:17,237
I, uh, I did learn, though,
that, like the quickest way
2211
01:43:17,238 --> 01:43:20,737
to ruin the vibe of a threesome
2212
01:43:20,738 --> 01:43:25,870
is to ask if their home is ADA compliant.
2213
01:43:25,871 --> 01:43:28,605
- [laughter]
- [chuckles]
2214
01:43:30,805 --> 01:43:34,204
It never is. Um... [chuckles]
2215
01:43:34,205 --> 01:43:37,370
And if it were, I think
I'd be more concerned.
2216
01:43:37,371 --> 01:43:39,405
[chuckles] Thank y'all.
2217
01:43:40,371 --> 01:43:42,837
- [cheering and applause]
- The great Fiona Cauley.
2218
01:43:42,838 --> 01:43:45,604
Nashville, Tennessee.
2219
01:43:45,605 --> 01:43:50,237
The pride of Nashville.
2220
01:43:50,238 --> 01:43:51,137
Hell, yeah.
2221
01:43:51,138 --> 01:43:53,504
- Welcome back, Fiona.
- Thank you.
2222
01:43:53,505 --> 01:43:55,537
How's New York City treating you?
2223
01:43:55,538 --> 01:43:56,770
You having fun out here?
2224
01:43:56,771 --> 01:44:00,104
Yeah, they're all equal.
2225
01:44:00,105 --> 01:44:01,537
They treat me normal.
2226
01:44:01,538 --> 01:44:04,270
- They're very mean, and I like that.
- [laughter]
2227
01:44:04,271 --> 01:44:05,237
Yeah.
2228
01:44:05,238 --> 01:44:07,370
- I like that shit.
- Yeah.
2229
01:44:07,371 --> 01:44:13,537
It's funny, uh,
backstage I saw Matt and I realized
2230
01:44:13,538 --> 01:44:15,437
I had to fucking change
2231
01:44:15,438 --> 01:44:19,104
because I couldn't let you be
the prettiest one on the stage.
2232
01:44:19,105 --> 01:44:21,138
- [crowd cheering]
- [Tony] Ooh!
2233
01:44:23,605 --> 01:44:27,037
I'm not sure I won that one,
but I tried, you know.
2234
01:44:27,038 --> 01:44:28,770
[Tony laughs]
2235
01:44:28,771 --> 01:44:30,404
Fiona, you're crushing it.
2236
01:44:30,405 --> 01:44:32,170
How's things down in Nashville?
2237
01:44:32,171 --> 01:44:33,637
What's going on down there?
2238
01:44:33,638 --> 01:44:35,004
What's going on in life?
2239
01:44:35,005 --> 01:44:39,504
Oh, man, I just turned 29.
2240
01:44:39,505 --> 01:44:41,671
- [Tony] Oh!
- [cheering and applause]
2241
01:44:42,671 --> 01:44:43,770
Oh, no.
2242
01:44:43,771 --> 01:44:46,337
- I know.
- You got one year left.
2243
01:44:46,338 --> 01:44:50,070
- All these normal motherfuckers.
- I mean, to live.
2244
01:44:50,071 --> 01:44:52,971
- [laughter]
- [bell tolls]
2245
01:44:54,038 --> 01:44:55,370
[laughs]
2246
01:44:55,371 --> 01:44:57,937
Fiona has one of the best
senses of humors.
2247
01:44:57,938 --> 01:44:59,737
We've talked about it a billion times.
2248
01:44:59,738 --> 01:45:02,538
Is there any good news
with your condition or anything?
2249
01:45:03,371 --> 01:45:04,270
No.
2250
01:45:04,271 --> 01:45:06,338
- [laughter]
- [drum sting plays]
2251
01:45:09,705 --> 01:45:12,870
Uh... I'm here! That's the good news.
2252
01:45:12,871 --> 01:45:14,570
- That's all that matters.
- Yeah.
2253
01:45:14,571 --> 01:45:16,170
- [cheering and applause]
- Yeah.
2254
01:45:16,171 --> 01:45:20,471
- The battery is charged.
- Hell, yeah. [chuckles]
2255
01:45:21,138 --> 01:45:22,204
You always murder.
2256
01:45:22,205 --> 01:45:23,604
You're gonna get the chair.
2257
01:45:23,605 --> 01:45:25,271
- [Fiona chuckles]
- [laughter]
2258
01:45:27,671 --> 01:45:28,537
Matt Rife.
2259
01:45:28,538 --> 01:45:31,737
I love how you complained
about Ahren getting a $250 headset.
2260
01:45:31,738 --> 01:45:33,570
How much was the stage elevator?
2261
01:45:33,571 --> 01:45:37,037
- I mean, it ain't easy.
- [laughter]
2262
01:45:37,038 --> 01:45:38,571
But luckily...
2263
01:45:39,538 --> 01:45:42,204
- Thanks--
- Got a drink holder on that puppy, huh?
2264
01:45:42,205 --> 01:45:44,237
- Yeah.
- That's pretty good.
2265
01:45:44,238 --> 01:45:45,904
I keep that shit on me.
2266
01:45:45,905 --> 01:45:47,970
- [Tony] Drinking and driving.
- Yeah.
2267
01:45:47,971 --> 01:45:51,404
- [laughter]
- I do it best. Um...
2268
01:45:51,405 --> 01:45:52,737
You know, it's funny.
2269
01:45:52,738 --> 01:45:55,670
I have noticed something in New York.
2270
01:45:55,671 --> 01:45:59,337
I know I talk weird
because of my neurological shit,
2271
01:45:59,338 --> 01:46:02,937
but y'all think it's just
a Southern accent.
2272
01:46:02,938 --> 01:46:04,805
[laughter]
2273
01:46:08,505 --> 01:46:12,004
And I like that shit. Yeah. [chuckles]
2274
01:46:12,005 --> 01:46:15,337
Amazing. By the way, I got word in my ear
2275
01:46:15,338 --> 01:46:18,770
that it actually,
I had no idea that this was real.
2276
01:46:18,771 --> 01:46:24,704
But the director just told me it...
it was indeed $6,000 for the elevator...
2277
01:46:24,705 --> 01:46:28,137
- Wow!
- ...to get a wheelchair on this stage.
2278
01:46:28,138 --> 01:46:29,737
So just to let you know...
2279
01:46:29,738 --> 01:46:32,605
[cheering and applause]
2280
01:46:33,405 --> 01:46:39,204
Fiona, whether it's God
that takes you from us, or not,
2281
01:46:39,205 --> 01:46:42,770
this will be your last time
on this show in an arena.
2282
01:46:42,771 --> 01:46:45,205
- [laughter]
- [drum sting plays]
2283
01:46:46,071 --> 01:46:47,737
- [Mark] I mean, Tony, with your lineups.
- Thank you.
2284
01:46:47,738 --> 01:46:51,204
If they don't ask you to host the Special
Olympics, I don't know who can do it.
2285
01:46:51,205 --> 01:46:52,837
- [laughter]
- That's true.
2286
01:46:52,838 --> 01:46:53,804
Host the Special...
2287
01:46:53,805 --> 01:46:57,370
I can't get them to stop
calling me a racist Nazi meanwhile.
2288
01:46:57,371 --> 01:46:58,637
[laughter]
2289
01:46:58,638 --> 01:47:02,004
- It's hard to host the Special Olympics.
- At least you're non-ableist Nazi.
2290
01:47:02,005 --> 01:47:04,904
And that is good news for me.
2291
01:47:04,905 --> 01:47:06,838
- Thank God for that.
- Yeah.
2292
01:47:07,471 --> 01:47:09,637
I love my wild, wild people.
2293
01:47:09,638 --> 01:47:13,304
I always think to myself, "What would I do
if I was in that position?"
2294
01:47:13,305 --> 01:47:16,437
I would hope that someone
would keep the door open for me.
2295
01:47:16,438 --> 01:47:17,637
You do, yeah.
2296
01:47:17,638 --> 01:47:22,070
I would hope someone would buy a $6,000
elevator that I just found out about.
2297
01:47:22,071 --> 01:47:23,538
[crowd cheering]
2298
01:47:24,171 --> 01:47:29,470
See, they... It's funny because
they ran Ahren's $250 headset by me.
2299
01:47:29,471 --> 01:47:32,070
But no one's like, "Hey, 6,000."
They must...
2300
01:47:32,071 --> 01:47:35,304
My production team
must fucking love you, Fiona.
2301
01:47:35,305 --> 01:47:39,370
- Yeah. I had to suck a lot of dick.
- Blow jobs.
2302
01:47:39,371 --> 01:47:41,938
[cheering and applause]
2303
01:47:44,405 --> 01:47:46,804
To be fair, David Lucas
also needed the elevator.
2304
01:47:46,805 --> 01:47:48,738
- [laughter]
- [drum sting plays]
2305
01:47:53,371 --> 01:47:55,970
Fiona, you are a cold-blooded assassin.
2306
01:47:55,971 --> 01:47:57,604
Everybody loves you.
2307
01:47:57,605 --> 01:48:01,304
Every appearance on this show
has always been fantastic.
2308
01:48:01,305 --> 01:48:05,570
You're hilarious.
You're beautiful. Everybody loves you.
2309
01:48:05,571 --> 01:48:08,904
One more time for the great Fiona Cauley,
ladies and gentlemen.
2310
01:48:08,905 --> 01:48:11,138
[cheering and applause]
2311
01:48:14,405 --> 01:48:18,637
How about a hand
for the beautiful Heidi helping out here?
2312
01:48:18,638 --> 01:48:20,670
[loud electronic pinging]
2313
01:48:20,671 --> 01:48:23,604
Redban. Redban.
2314
01:48:23,605 --> 01:48:25,838
What did I tell you
about making that noise?
2315
01:48:28,605 --> 01:48:31,237
Yeah, I'm also getting...
I'm getting word
2316
01:48:31,238 --> 01:48:37,871
that we have an instant replay
of the $6,000 elevator hard at work.
2317
01:48:40,571 --> 01:48:42,970
- Here it is. Wow.
- [laughter]
2318
01:48:42,971 --> 01:48:44,170
This is live.
2319
01:48:44,171 --> 01:48:45,838
Anything can happen, folks.
2320
01:48:46,705 --> 01:48:49,671
I mean, this seems crazy, by the way.
2321
01:48:50,405 --> 01:48:53,004
Oh! [laughs]
2322
01:48:53,005 --> 01:48:57,571
Only on Kill Tony, can you perhaps
watch a woman fall to her death.
2323
01:48:58,871 --> 01:49:00,505
Absolutely incredible.
2324
01:49:01,638 --> 01:49:02,538
Wow.
2325
01:49:03,038 --> 01:49:04,037
Amazing.
2326
01:49:04,038 --> 01:49:06,237
That's what it's going to look like
when she dies
2327
01:49:06,238 --> 01:49:09,037
- and gets lowered to hell, everybody.
- [laughter]
2328
01:49:09,038 --> 01:49:12,071
- I'm kidding. She's not going to hell.
- [bell tolls]
2329
01:49:13,405 --> 01:49:17,738
A lot of liberal ladies out there
just not laughing, giving me mean looks.
2330
01:49:19,071 --> 01:49:22,004
Wow. Slow elevators.
2331
01:49:22,005 --> 01:49:23,604
I wish this was a Coldplay concert,
2332
01:49:23,605 --> 01:49:25,837
and they cut to her
walking down the stairs.
2333
01:49:25,838 --> 01:49:26,937
[laughter]
2334
01:49:26,938 --> 01:49:28,271
She's like, "Got him."
2335
01:49:29,938 --> 01:49:31,737
[laughs]
2336
01:49:31,738 --> 01:49:33,470
All right, you know what I'm gonna do?
2337
01:49:33,471 --> 01:49:36,904
I'm going back to the Legends Bucket,
ladies, and...
2338
01:49:36,905 --> 01:49:40,305
Wait a second.
This doesn't make any sense whatsoever.
2339
01:49:41,238 --> 01:49:43,204
How could this be in the Legends Bucket?
2340
01:49:43,205 --> 01:49:44,637
This is crazy.
2341
01:49:44,638 --> 01:49:49,370
This guy's only been on the show
twice ever before.
2342
01:49:49,371 --> 01:49:51,871
He's only been doing comedy eight months.
2343
01:49:52,705 --> 01:49:54,970
This doesn't make any sense.
2344
01:49:54,971 --> 01:49:56,338
This can't be real.
2345
01:49:57,138 --> 01:50:02,137
Ladies and gentlemen,
this Legend Bucket pull
2346
01:50:02,138 --> 01:50:05,804
says the words... Timmy No Brakes, everyone.
2347
01:50:05,805 --> 01:50:07,770
- I mean...
- [cheering and applause]
2348
01:50:07,771 --> 01:50:09,137
[band plays rock music]
2349
01:50:09,138 --> 01:50:10,505
This can't be real.
2350
01:50:11,038 --> 01:50:13,170
He's supposed to be in Salt Lake City.
2351
01:50:13,171 --> 01:50:14,971
Oh, my God. There he is!
2352
01:50:22,171 --> 01:50:23,837
{\an8}The newest icon.
2353
01:50:23,838 --> 01:50:25,804
{\an8}Make some noise for Timmy No Brakes.
2354
01:50:25,805 --> 01:50:27,838
{\an8}[cheering and applause]
2355
01:50:29,038 --> 01:50:31,238
Release the doves.
2356
01:50:33,571 --> 01:50:35,738
[laughter]
2357
01:50:36,571 --> 01:50:39,038
Okay. Fuck! The doves are dead. Um...
2358
01:50:39,838 --> 01:50:41,237
I thought leather was more breathable.
2359
01:50:41,238 --> 01:50:43,504
Let's cut that.
Let's take it from the top, guys.
2360
01:50:43,505 --> 01:50:44,937
[Tony laughing]
2361
01:50:44,938 --> 01:50:46,605
- Fuck!
- [laughter]
2362
01:50:47,905 --> 01:50:49,405
Shut the fuck up, guys.
2363
01:50:51,438 --> 01:50:53,537
Tonight I'm playing my hits.
2364
01:50:53,538 --> 01:50:55,970
You know these. You love these.
2365
01:50:55,971 --> 01:50:57,771
Yell the punch lines out.
2366
01:51:00,005 --> 01:51:03,705
I recently found out
you could get an erection after you die.
2367
01:51:04,571 --> 01:51:07,405
Yeah, so Bruce Willis could...
2368
01:51:09,071 --> 01:51:09,904
die hard.
2369
01:51:09,905 --> 01:51:12,270
- Guys, what the fuck?
- [laughter]
2370
01:51:12,271 --> 01:51:14,138
These are my hits. Let's fucking go!
2371
01:51:17,238 --> 01:51:20,270
I put my dick in a glory hole
the other day.
2372
01:51:20,271 --> 01:51:22,937
[crowd whooping]
2373
01:51:22,938 --> 01:51:26,038
Turns out my sister was on the other side.
2374
01:51:27,205 --> 01:51:29,270
I'm like, "Why am I doing this..."
2375
01:51:29,271 --> 01:51:31,470
[crowd groans]
2376
01:51:31,471 --> 01:51:33,270
"...in my house?"
2377
01:51:33,271 --> 01:51:36,437
- Guys, these are my fucking hits.
- [laughter]
2378
01:51:36,438 --> 01:51:38,138
Let's go. This is embarrassing.
2379
01:51:40,938 --> 01:51:43,070
Last chance, you dumb ass retards.
2380
01:51:43,071 --> 01:51:45,171
[laughter]
2381
01:51:45,738 --> 01:51:48,804
I got an STD the other day. Yeah.
2382
01:51:48,805 --> 01:51:50,937
- [man in crowd shouting]
- It was the...
2383
01:51:50,938 --> 01:51:52,837
[crowd shouting indistinctly]
2384
01:51:52,838 --> 01:51:53,971
AIDS.
2385
01:51:54,471 --> 01:51:56,771
- Fuck!
- [laughter]
2386
01:51:57,305 --> 01:52:00,538
It's all right, Tony. I'm sorry, that's...
I relinquish my time. That's...
2387
01:52:01,238 --> 01:52:02,904
I'm a little stressed, you know.
2388
01:52:02,905 --> 01:52:06,804
You said MSG, I went to fucking Chinatown.
2389
01:52:06,805 --> 01:52:08,737
[Tony laughs]
2390
01:52:08,738 --> 01:52:10,270
I almost didn't make it.
2391
01:52:10,271 --> 01:52:12,770
Ladies and gentlemen, Timmy No Brakes
2392
01:52:12,771 --> 01:52:17,937
has made a shocking appearance
from the Legends Bucket.
2393
01:52:17,938 --> 01:52:21,637
Wow, Timmy,
this must be monumental for you.
2394
01:52:21,638 --> 01:52:25,571
We know for a fact
you are from New Jersey.
2395
01:52:26,171 --> 01:52:28,604
- Make some noise, New Jersey!
- [cheering and applause]
2396
01:52:28,605 --> 01:52:29,638
[drum sting plays]
2397
01:52:32,605 --> 01:52:33,837
[Tony laughing]
2398
01:52:33,838 --> 01:52:34,805
Good job, sir.
2399
01:52:35,538 --> 01:52:38,637
[Tony] How does it feel to be here
at the most famous arena
2400
01:52:38,638 --> 01:52:40,471
in the world coming from New Jersey?
2401
01:52:42,105 --> 01:52:45,338
Honestly, it feels like Tuesday.
2402
01:52:45,938 --> 01:52:49,104
- You call this a fucking arena?
- [laughing]
2403
01:52:49,105 --> 01:52:50,370
I mean...
2404
01:52:50,371 --> 01:52:52,704
[Tony continues laughing]
2405
01:52:52,705 --> 01:52:54,537
You know what? I'm burning up up here.
2406
01:52:54,538 --> 01:52:55,504
This is...
2407
01:52:55,505 --> 01:52:57,871
- [laughter]
- [drum sting plays]
2408
01:53:01,405 --> 01:53:04,337
Timmy No Brakes is a sensation.
2409
01:53:04,338 --> 01:53:06,970
- I can't believe you have...
- Sexy one.
2410
01:53:06,971 --> 01:53:09,105
...multiple leather jackets on.
2411
01:53:10,105 --> 01:53:12,537
- Yeah, I mean...
- Who doesn't?
2412
01:53:12,538 --> 01:53:13,604
- Right?
- Yeah.
2413
01:53:13,605 --> 01:53:15,470
- I mean, yeah.
- Take off your shirt.
2414
01:53:15,471 --> 01:53:17,037
[laughing]
2415
01:53:17,038 --> 01:53:19,237
You got another denim under there,
gay guy?
2416
01:53:19,238 --> 01:53:20,337
- [laughter]
- [drum sting plays]
2417
01:53:20,338 --> 01:53:21,771
Boom! Roasted.
2418
01:53:22,738 --> 01:53:24,004
Hit me with the pyro.
2419
01:53:24,005 --> 01:53:26,137
- [band plays rousing music]
- [Tony] Give him a little pyro.
2420
01:53:26,138 --> 01:53:27,438
You got a little fire?
2421
01:53:27,938 --> 01:53:28,804
You got a little fire
2422
01:53:28,805 --> 01:53:30,337
- for Timmy No Brakes?
- The fucking pyro!
2423
01:53:30,338 --> 01:53:33,238
- [firecrackers bursting over speakers]
- [laughter]
2424
01:53:35,005 --> 01:53:37,071
You're fired. Pun.
2425
01:53:39,805 --> 01:53:41,170
Guy, three amigos.
2426
01:53:41,171 --> 01:53:43,370
Where was my fucking trumpet there?
Jesus Christ.
2427
01:53:43,371 --> 01:53:45,270
He likes the... He likes the D.
2428
01:53:45,271 --> 01:53:46,270
He likes the D.
2429
01:53:46,271 --> 01:53:48,004
No. You like the D.
2430
01:53:48,005 --> 01:53:49,504
- [all exclaiming]
- [drum sting plays]
2431
01:53:49,505 --> 01:53:51,204
[Tony] Give him a little pyro.
2432
01:53:51,205 --> 01:53:52,438
Give him a little pyro.
2433
01:53:53,971 --> 01:53:55,138
What do we got here?
2434
01:53:56,138 --> 01:53:58,370
You fucking flamer. You're gay.
2435
01:53:58,371 --> 01:53:59,404
[laughter]
2436
01:53:59,405 --> 01:54:00,570
[Tony] Give us some flames.
2437
01:54:00,571 --> 01:54:02,470
Anything? All right.
2438
01:54:02,471 --> 01:54:06,404
Wow. I like it more when the timing's off,
and... there you go.
2439
01:54:06,405 --> 01:54:09,071
- Oh, my God! Baby!
- [band plays triumphant music]
2440
01:54:11,138 --> 01:54:14,804
[whooping]
2441
01:54:14,805 --> 01:54:17,504
[Tony laughing]
2442
01:54:17,505 --> 01:54:20,904
A master of Kill Tony.
2443
01:54:20,905 --> 01:54:22,404
This is his third time ever.
2444
01:54:22,405 --> 01:54:24,870
You've been doing stand-up.
Is it eight months or nine months?
2445
01:54:24,871 --> 01:54:26,038
Say it with me.
2446
01:54:26,905 --> 01:54:28,137
Eight weeks.
2447
01:54:28,138 --> 01:54:30,437
Eight weeks, ladies and gentlemen.
2448
01:54:30,438 --> 01:54:32,037
Less than ever before.
2449
01:54:32,038 --> 01:54:35,038
What do you like to do
when you're in New York City? [laughing]
2450
01:54:36,805 --> 01:54:38,105
I'm glad you asked, Ton.
2451
01:54:41,838 --> 01:54:46,804
D-Madness, take the bass for a walk.
Jon Deas, tickle the keys.
2452
01:54:46,805 --> 01:54:49,004
Sax man, you're sitting this one out.
2453
01:54:49,005 --> 01:54:51,537
- Shut the fuck up.
- [laughter]
2454
01:54:51,538 --> 01:54:53,737
All right, I want
the fucking ceiling to open.
2455
01:54:53,738 --> 01:54:56,270
I want a natural moon spotlight.
2456
01:54:56,271 --> 01:54:58,204
[band plays light music]
2457
01:54:58,205 --> 01:54:59,204
Camera B.
2458
01:54:59,205 --> 01:55:00,205
Come in.
2459
01:55:01,238 --> 01:55:02,605
Switch to black and white.
2460
01:55:04,071 --> 01:55:06,137
Let's get me fucking
hooked up on some wires.
2461
01:55:06,138 --> 01:55:07,905
I want to fly around for this one.
2462
01:55:09,905 --> 01:55:11,605
Never mind. All right, everybody...
2463
01:55:12,605 --> 01:55:13,471
Clap.
2464
01:55:15,805 --> 01:55:18,138
Let's go, Madison Square Garden.
2465
01:55:23,005 --> 01:55:25,004
Wait, wait. What was the question again?
2466
01:55:25,005 --> 01:55:26,137
- [laughter]
- [Tony] Oh.
2467
01:55:26,138 --> 01:55:28,070
What do you like to do
when you're in New York?
2468
01:55:28,071 --> 01:55:30,338
- When I'm in... Uh, pass.
- [laughter]
2469
01:55:31,871 --> 01:55:32,938
I'll pass on that.
2470
01:55:33,871 --> 01:55:36,370
Fucking the Jewish Ray Charles. Boom!
2471
01:55:36,371 --> 01:55:37,605
[laughter]
2472
01:55:38,671 --> 01:55:39,605
Roasted.
2473
01:55:41,238 --> 01:55:42,504
Andrew J's gay.
2474
01:55:42,505 --> 01:55:43,937
- [laughter]
- [drum sting plays]
2475
01:55:43,938 --> 01:55:46,471
A low hanging fruit
from a low hanging fruit.
2476
01:55:49,071 --> 01:55:50,438
[Mark] All right, bring out more props.
2477
01:55:52,438 --> 01:55:53,971
[chuckles] What do you got?
2478
01:55:55,671 --> 01:55:58,570
- [drumroll playing]
- [Tony] Uh-oh.
2479
01:55:58,571 --> 01:56:00,238
[band plays light music]
2480
01:56:01,638 --> 01:56:04,505
- [laughing] Okay, Timmy.
- [laughter]
2481
01:56:05,405 --> 01:56:07,338
Well, you don't like prop comedy, Mark?
2482
01:56:08,171 --> 01:56:09,504
Okay.
2483
01:56:09,505 --> 01:56:10,405
It's all right.
2484
01:56:12,171 --> 01:56:13,604
- Timmy...
- This is awkward.
2485
01:56:13,605 --> 01:56:16,471
You are the People's Golden Ticket winner.
2486
01:56:17,171 --> 01:56:18,437
You've done it again.
2487
01:56:18,438 --> 01:56:25,270
Two jackets and one turtle dove
and a partridge in New York City.
2488
01:56:25,271 --> 01:56:27,004
You did it, my friend.
2489
01:56:27,005 --> 01:56:29,204
How do you feel, Timmy No Brakes?
2490
01:56:29,205 --> 01:56:30,604
I feel good.
2491
01:56:30,605 --> 01:56:32,037
Can I ask you a question, Tony?
2492
01:56:32,038 --> 01:56:33,770
Sure, Timmy. Whatever you want.
2493
01:56:33,771 --> 01:56:36,237
In fact, if you want to host
the rest of the show, you can.
2494
01:56:36,238 --> 01:56:39,504
Great. I was gonna challenge you
for your Regularship, so...
2495
01:56:39,505 --> 01:56:42,004
No, I'm just kidding, Ton.
I'm kidding. I'm kidding.
2496
01:56:42,005 --> 01:56:42,938
Yeah, okay.
2497
01:56:43,571 --> 01:56:46,371
Is it true that you've never kissed a boy?
2498
01:56:48,505 --> 01:56:50,037
That is, well, technically,
2499
01:56:50,038 --> 01:56:53,505
Redban and I once kissed
for a New Year's Eve countdown video.
2500
01:56:54,405 --> 01:56:56,570
Is there a boy out there
that wants to come
2501
01:56:56,571 --> 01:56:58,837
- up here and give this man his first kiss?
- [drum sting plays]
2502
01:56:58,838 --> 01:57:00,637
[laughter]
2503
01:57:00,638 --> 01:57:03,405
- No! Come on.
- It's a Kill Tony tradition. Come on.
2504
01:57:03,938 --> 01:57:07,204
- Wait, what? Matt Rife wants to?
- [Matt] I didn't say that.
2505
01:57:07,205 --> 01:57:08,170
I didn't say that.
2506
01:57:08,171 --> 01:57:10,337
Do it. Come on, Matt. Do it, Matt.
2507
01:57:10,338 --> 01:57:11,670
All right. We got to keep it moving.
2508
01:57:11,671 --> 01:57:12,737
Timmy, we love you.
2509
01:57:12,738 --> 01:57:15,670
How loud can this place get
for the great Timmy No Brakes?
2510
01:57:15,671 --> 01:57:18,204
- Oh! The dove in the crowd.
- [crowd cheering]
2511
01:57:18,205 --> 01:57:21,337
One person got a wing,
the other got the body.
2512
01:57:21,338 --> 01:57:24,504
- He threw his--
- Good night, New Jersey!
2513
01:57:24,505 --> 01:57:26,538
[cheering and applause]
2514
01:57:27,405 --> 01:57:29,370
[Tony] Wow, Timmy No Brakes.
2515
01:57:29,371 --> 01:57:30,537
It's unprecedented
2516
01:57:30,538 --> 01:57:32,838
someone coming out of the Legends Bucket.
2517
01:57:34,738 --> 01:57:37,504
All right, let's do something fun here,
2518
01:57:37,505 --> 01:57:39,170
real good and fast, huh?
2519
01:57:39,171 --> 01:57:45,970
Let's do a special "audience decides
who wins" four-person competition.
2520
01:57:45,971 --> 01:57:48,304
- Does that sound like fun?
- [cheering and applause]
2521
01:57:48,305 --> 01:57:50,937
All right. Your first person
doing a minute tonight.
2522
01:57:50,938 --> 01:57:53,837
Make some noise for Jack Shaw,
everybody, here we go.
2523
01:57:53,838 --> 01:57:56,605
- [band plays intro music]
- We're gonna fly through this.
2524
01:57:57,471 --> 01:57:59,738
Jack Shaw is first
with a brand new minute.
2525
01:58:02,571 --> 01:58:06,570
{\an8}All right. Hey, New York.
I got a blow job in New York City!
2526
01:58:06,571 --> 01:58:08,837
[crowd cheering]
2527
01:58:08,838 --> 01:58:12,305
Me and Harland are seeing
the same homeless man.
2528
01:58:14,471 --> 01:58:16,170
Who sucks dick in here?
2529
01:58:16,171 --> 01:58:17,770
[loud cheering]
2530
01:58:17,771 --> 01:58:20,804
Yeah. Get up here and prove it.
2531
01:58:20,805 --> 01:58:22,938
- [laughter]
- [laughs]
2532
01:58:23,671 --> 01:58:25,770
Dude, I love a blow job, man.
2533
01:58:25,771 --> 01:58:27,737
I just moved in with my girlfriend.
2534
01:58:27,738 --> 01:58:29,670
Dude, I'm learning a lot, man.
2535
01:58:29,671 --> 01:58:32,137
I fixed our washing machine, dude,
2536
01:58:32,138 --> 01:58:34,504
and she sucked my dick for it.
2537
01:58:34,505 --> 01:58:38,437
- [crowd cheering]
- Yeah, dude.
2538
01:58:38,438 --> 01:58:42,770
Now, when she leaves the apartment,
I've been breaking shit.
2539
01:58:42,771 --> 01:58:44,405
[laughter]
2540
01:58:45,171 --> 01:58:48,638
I punched a hole through the television.
2541
01:58:51,371 --> 01:58:54,737
She went out of town recently
and the dishwasher broke
2542
01:58:54,738 --> 01:58:58,738
and I didn't know what to do, man,
and I called a handyman.
2543
01:58:59,605 --> 01:59:03,070
It turns out I give great head, dude. I...
2544
01:59:03,071 --> 01:59:04,104
[kitten meows]
2545
01:59:04,105 --> 01:59:05,471
Thank you guys so much.
2546
01:59:06,105 --> 01:59:08,304
- Jack Shaw, you did it.
- [cheering and applause]
2547
01:59:08,305 --> 01:59:12,170
Throw that back in the mic stand
and go sit over that drum set over there.
2548
01:59:12,171 --> 01:59:14,137
Go sit in front of Michael's drum set.
2549
01:59:14,138 --> 01:59:15,404
Jack, you stay there.
2550
01:59:15,405 --> 01:59:18,604
Audience, remember
how much you liked his set.
2551
01:59:18,605 --> 01:59:21,770
Because you decide
who wins this competition.
2552
01:59:21,771 --> 01:59:25,237
Your next minute
is from David Jolly, everybody.
2553
01:59:25,238 --> 01:59:30,204
Golden Ticket winner,
America's Favorite Uncle, David Jolly.
2554
01:59:30,205 --> 01:59:32,337
- [band plays intro music]
- [cheering and applause]
2555
01:59:32,338 --> 01:59:33,637
{\an8}[scats]
2556
01:59:33,638 --> 01:59:38,570
{\an8}How y'all doing tonight?
White people in Puerto Rico!
2557
01:59:38,571 --> 01:59:40,371
- [crowd cheering]
- Hell, yeah.
2558
01:59:41,138 --> 01:59:45,005
I believe the American school system
is a bunch of bullshit.
2559
01:59:46,238 --> 01:59:48,637
They told us a lot of bullshit
back in the days,
2560
01:59:48,638 --> 01:59:51,305
and I've been fact-checking,
and I don't believe it.
2561
01:59:51,971 --> 01:59:54,071
Y'all remember that bitch, Helen Keller?
2562
01:59:54,571 --> 01:59:55,437
[Mark] Yeah!
2563
01:59:55,438 --> 01:59:56,704
Y'all believe that shit?
2564
01:59:56,705 --> 01:59:57,804
[crowd shouts indistinctly]
2565
01:59:57,805 --> 01:59:59,305
Kiss my fucking ass!
2566
02:00:00,071 --> 02:00:03,470
They're trying to tell me
this motherfucker was blind and deaf,
2567
02:00:03,471 --> 02:00:06,737
she wrote 200 books and she flew a plane?
2568
02:00:06,738 --> 02:00:09,304
- Come on, now.
- [laughter]
2569
02:00:09,305 --> 02:00:12,570
If I get on a Delta flight
and that bitch driving
2570
02:00:12,571 --> 02:00:16,905
doing the Ray Charles,
I'm getting the fuck off the plane.
2571
02:00:18,038 --> 02:00:20,237
Then it was two more facts that I heard.
2572
02:00:20,238 --> 02:00:24,237
One of them, I believe, sadly,
the second one ain't no goddamn way.
2573
02:00:24,238 --> 02:00:26,805
They say in World War II, she was a nurse.
2574
02:00:27,838 --> 02:00:31,104
If I've been in a goddamn injury
and she come in the room
2575
02:00:31,105 --> 02:00:35,604
bumping into shit,
I'm gonna kill my goddamn self.
2576
02:00:35,605 --> 02:00:38,104
- [kitten meows]
- I ain't gonna let Humpty Dumpty do it.
2577
02:00:38,105 --> 02:00:39,071
[chuckles]
2578
02:00:39,805 --> 02:00:44,670
Then I found out, sadly,
that during World War II,
2579
02:00:44,671 --> 02:00:48,870
Helen Keller was sexually assaulted
15 times.
2580
02:00:48,871 --> 02:00:51,004
- And that's sad.
- [bear growls]
2581
02:00:51,005 --> 02:00:53,470
Oh, shit. You went over your time.
2582
02:00:53,471 --> 02:00:55,571
David Jolly, go sit next to Jack Shaw.
2583
02:00:56,738 --> 02:01:00,104
Who would've guessed? A Black guy
doing more work than he had to do.
2584
02:01:00,105 --> 02:01:01,170
[laughter]
2585
02:01:01,171 --> 02:01:03,037
All right, your third competitor.
2586
02:01:03,038 --> 02:01:04,204
She won this spot
2587
02:01:04,205 --> 02:01:07,104
on the last Netflix taping
that was at the Mothership.
2588
02:01:07,105 --> 02:01:10,337
Make some noise
for Serena Thiel, everybody.
2589
02:01:10,338 --> 02:01:14,037
- A brand new minute from Serena Thiel.
- [band plays intro music]
2590
02:01:14,038 --> 02:01:16,904
Where the hell's Serena Thiel?
Here she comes, everybody.
2591
02:01:16,905 --> 02:01:18,404
Make some noise for Serena.
2592
02:01:18,405 --> 02:01:19,871
[cheering and applause]
2593
02:01:21,705 --> 02:01:23,870
{\an8}Man, New York is crazy.
2594
02:01:23,871 --> 02:01:27,204
{\an8}You guys have things here
that I didn't know existed.
2595
02:01:27,205 --> 02:01:31,138
I saw an Asian midget
yesterday. [chuckles]
2596
02:01:31,705 --> 02:01:35,270
And I know what you're thinking.
How could I tell? [chuckles]
2597
02:01:35,271 --> 02:01:38,238
Uh, he was wider than he was tall.
It was awesome.
2598
02:01:39,838 --> 02:01:40,804
In my neighborhood,
2599
02:01:40,805 --> 02:01:43,971
there is a Pilates studio
with a quote on the front window:
2600
02:01:44,938 --> 02:01:46,837
"What a wonderful thought it is
2601
02:01:46,838 --> 02:01:51,238
that some of the best days of our lives
haven't even happened yet."
2602
02:01:52,738 --> 02:01:54,704
Quote: Anne Frank.
2603
02:01:54,705 --> 02:01:56,338
[laughter]
2604
02:01:57,605 --> 02:01:59,605
1945.
2605
02:02:01,238 --> 02:02:02,537
What an idiot.
2606
02:02:02,538 --> 02:02:04,071
[laughter]
2607
02:02:06,138 --> 02:02:08,805
What, did you not see
the writing on the wall?
2608
02:02:10,371 --> 02:02:12,370
Read the room, baby girl.
2609
02:02:12,371 --> 02:02:13,371
There's only one.
2610
02:02:14,671 --> 02:02:17,071
It's not like you have
anything else to read. [chuckles]
2611
02:02:18,038 --> 02:02:19,304
It's a crazy thing to put
2612
02:02:19,305 --> 02:02:21,471
on the front window
of your Pilates studio.
2613
02:02:22,271 --> 02:02:23,137
[kitten meows]
2614
02:02:23,138 --> 02:02:25,071
I feel sorry for the woman
who put that there.
2615
02:02:25,938 --> 02:02:28,804
She thinks she and Anne Frank
both have better days ahead of them.
2616
02:02:28,805 --> 02:02:30,437
- [chuckles]
- [laughter]
2617
02:02:30,438 --> 02:02:32,305
I don't think she finished the book.
2618
02:02:33,338 --> 02:02:35,104
[Tony] Serena Thiel!
2619
02:02:35,105 --> 02:02:39,037
Got it in. One minute, 12 seconds.
Three seconds away from the bear.
2620
02:02:39,038 --> 02:02:42,370
Your final and fourth competitor,
ladies and gentlemen.
2621
02:02:42,371 --> 02:02:47,770
Used to do comedy in New York,
and I gave him a spot at the Mothership.
2622
02:02:47,771 --> 02:02:50,604
Make some noise.
Danny Martinello, ladies and gentlemen.
2623
02:02:50,605 --> 02:02:51,504
[band plays intro music]
2624
02:02:51,505 --> 02:02:55,038
And at the end of this,
you decide who wins.
2625
02:02:56,138 --> 02:02:59,104
{\an8}I've been exchanging
some sexies with this girl.
2626
02:02:59,105 --> 02:03:02,304
{\an8}Usually I don't send nudes
unless you want them.
2627
02:03:02,305 --> 02:03:04,371
{\an8}Then I'm just launching the whole fleet.
2628
02:03:05,271 --> 02:03:07,370
And she hit me back with...
2629
02:03:07,371 --> 02:03:10,905
She said, "Can you take a picture,
but next to a remote, please?"
2630
02:03:11,905 --> 02:03:14,504
I said, "100%, I can.
No problem with that."
2631
02:03:14,505 --> 02:03:17,237
"But you're getting
the Roku remote, though."
2632
02:03:17,238 --> 02:03:19,004
[laughter]
2633
02:03:19,005 --> 02:03:23,605
You kidding? Send that off
just being like, "I am a Titan."
2634
02:03:24,638 --> 02:03:27,537
It's such a strange unit
of measurement to ask for, though.
2635
02:03:27,538 --> 02:03:30,204
Why wouldn't you
just straight up ask for a ruler?
2636
02:03:30,205 --> 02:03:31,971
It's got inches on it.
2637
02:03:32,671 --> 02:03:36,005
Centimeters, if you want to feel like
a metric massive man.
2638
02:03:37,538 --> 02:03:40,704
That's so strange, though,
because no dude's gonna ever do that.
2639
02:03:40,705 --> 02:03:43,437
No dude's gonna ask for scale, you know?
2640
02:03:43,438 --> 02:03:46,337
They're never gonna just be like,
"Nice. Beautiful pussy,
2641
02:03:46,338 --> 02:03:49,470
but do you think you could take it
next to a toaster, please?"
2642
02:03:49,471 --> 02:03:51,304
[laughter]
2643
02:03:51,305 --> 02:03:54,938
"Just trying to see what kind of slot
you're working with here."
2644
02:03:56,205 --> 02:03:57,904
Find out she has a couple kids.
2645
02:03:57,905 --> 02:04:00,937
You're like, "Yeah,
that's a four banger toaster, for sure."
2646
02:04:00,938 --> 02:04:02,237
[kitten meows]
2647
02:04:02,238 --> 02:04:05,804
You gotta dump a couple crumbs
out of that tray. Thank you. God bless.
2648
02:04:05,805 --> 02:04:07,304
[Tony] Boom! Danny Martinello.
2649
02:04:07,305 --> 02:04:09,504
All right. You guys, stand back up.
2650
02:04:09,505 --> 02:04:12,337
Stand next to Danny,
and the audience decides.
2651
02:04:12,338 --> 02:04:18,604
We have an actual meter,
a metric system of deciding who wins.
2652
02:04:18,605 --> 02:04:22,337
So, ladies and gentlemen, here we go.
2653
02:04:22,338 --> 02:04:26,170
If you have Jack Shaw
winning this competition,
2654
02:04:26,171 --> 02:04:28,870
- make some noise.
- [crowd cheering loudly]
2655
02:04:28,871 --> 02:04:30,505
What are we at? What do we got?
2656
02:04:31,905 --> 02:04:34,304
What was the max there?
What are we calling that?
2657
02:04:34,305 --> 02:04:36,537
- We got up to 90-something.
- [Redban] Ninety-four.
2658
02:04:36,538 --> 02:04:39,905
[Tony] Ninety-six-point-zero?
2659
02:04:40,838 --> 02:04:42,770
All right. Okay.
2660
02:04:42,771 --> 02:04:45,637
How many of you
have David Jolly winning this?
2661
02:04:45,638 --> 02:04:48,238
[loud cheering]
2662
02:04:50,005 --> 02:04:51,005
Ninety-five.
2663
02:04:52,538 --> 02:04:54,904
How many of you have Serena Thiel winning?
2664
02:04:54,905 --> 02:04:57,837
[loud cheering]
2665
02:04:57,838 --> 02:05:00,038
Ninety-six-seven.
2666
02:05:01,971 --> 02:05:04,670
And how many of you
have Danny Martinello winning?
2667
02:05:04,671 --> 02:05:06,670
[loud cheering and applause]
2668
02:05:06,671 --> 02:05:08,337
Oh, that's it.
2669
02:05:08,338 --> 02:05:10,770
Danny Martinello wins.
2670
02:05:10,771 --> 02:05:14,004
And on top of just performing
at Madison Square Garden,
2671
02:05:14,005 --> 02:05:18,270
you get to perform in an arena
in Austin, Texas, on New Year's Eve.
2672
02:05:18,271 --> 02:05:20,604
Congratulations, Danny Martinello.
2673
02:05:20,605 --> 02:05:24,337
That is Kill or Be Killed,
an absolute turbo round.
2674
02:05:24,338 --> 02:05:26,204
Make some noise for all of them.
2675
02:05:26,205 --> 02:05:30,637
Danny Martinello, Serena Thiel,
David Jolly, and Jack Shaw.
2676
02:05:30,638 --> 02:05:32,237
[Jeff] Yeah, whatever.
2677
02:05:32,238 --> 02:05:34,570
- Fuck yeah, that was awesome.
- Yeah, whatever.
2678
02:05:34,571 --> 02:05:36,070
[crowd cheering]
2679
02:05:36,071 --> 02:05:38,570
{\an8}Yeah, whatever, Tony.
2680
02:05:38,571 --> 02:05:41,205
{\an8}[Tony] Oh, shit,
it's the Roastmaster General!
2681
02:05:42,071 --> 02:05:44,105
- Whatever, Tony.
- [Tony chuckles]
2682
02:05:45,071 --> 02:05:47,370
Come on! Move it!
2683
02:05:47,371 --> 02:05:49,404
What the hell is going on, Tony?
2684
02:05:49,405 --> 02:05:52,337
Make some noise for Jeffrey Ross,
ladies and gentlemen.
2685
02:05:52,338 --> 02:05:53,504
[cheering and applause]
2686
02:05:53,505 --> 02:05:57,837
His brand new Broadway show,
Take a Banana for the Ride,
2687
02:05:57,838 --> 02:06:02,870
is out starting on Monday,
and running here on Broadway,
2688
02:06:02,871 --> 02:06:06,404
through the entire season
at multiple shows.
2689
02:06:06,405 --> 02:06:08,237
- Many shows.
- Tony.
2690
02:06:08,238 --> 02:06:09,704
Tony.
2691
02:06:09,705 --> 02:06:11,337
Yeah, Jeff?
2692
02:06:11,338 --> 02:06:12,837
Wait, we're going backstage.
2693
02:06:12,838 --> 02:06:15,337
Look at all the ugly
fucking fans back here.
2694
02:06:15,338 --> 02:06:16,438
[Tony laughs]
2695
02:06:17,271 --> 02:06:19,737
This looks like
an Ugly Lives Matter rally.
2696
02:06:19,738 --> 02:06:21,271
[Tony laughing]
2697
02:06:22,338 --> 02:06:23,771
Where are you? Where are you?
2698
02:06:25,671 --> 02:06:30,804
Where is he at? Make some goddamn noise
for the Roastmaster General, Jeffrey Ross.
2699
02:06:30,805 --> 02:06:32,604
Oh, yeah. There he is.
2700
02:06:32,605 --> 02:06:34,337
[band plays intro music]
2701
02:06:34,338 --> 02:06:37,504
What the fuck is up, New York City?
2702
02:06:37,505 --> 02:06:39,471
[cheering and applause]
2703
02:06:42,738 --> 02:06:44,270
- Tony.
- Yeah.
2704
02:06:44,271 --> 02:06:45,404
Welcome to New York.
2705
02:06:45,405 --> 02:06:48,137
I would say,
"Take a bite out of the Big Apple,"
2706
02:06:48,138 --> 02:06:51,604
but with those teeth, there'd be nothing
left for the rest of us.
2707
02:06:51,605 --> 02:06:53,504
[laughter]
2708
02:06:53,505 --> 02:06:56,270
Matt Rife
is what Tony thinks he looks like.
2709
02:06:56,271 --> 02:06:58,438
- [laughter]
- [drum sting plays]
2710
02:06:59,905 --> 02:07:00,938
Goddamn.
2711
02:07:01,871 --> 02:07:05,170
Tony, you do so much for disabled comics.
2712
02:07:05,171 --> 02:07:06,870
But enough about Redban.
2713
02:07:06,871 --> 02:07:08,405
- Hey!
- [laughter]
2714
02:07:09,871 --> 02:07:13,337
Redban, great to see you
at Madison Square Garden,
2715
02:07:13,338 --> 02:07:16,171
instead of the Olive Garden
on Madison Avenue.
2716
02:07:18,871 --> 02:07:22,904
Tony, I'm so proud of you, buddy.
I'm so proud of you.
2717
02:07:22,905 --> 02:07:26,304
I mean, here we are,
Madison Square Garden,
2718
02:07:26,305 --> 02:07:30,504
sold out, Netflix special,
top of the charts.
2719
02:07:30,505 --> 02:07:32,171
[cheering and applause]
2720
02:07:33,871 --> 02:07:36,570
I gotta say, for a bottom,
you're really on top.
2721
02:07:36,571 --> 02:07:38,805
[laughter]
2722
02:07:40,138 --> 02:07:42,970
But I was really disappointed
last November
2723
02:07:42,971 --> 02:07:45,470
when you came to this very venue
2724
02:07:45,471 --> 02:07:50,070
and you called Puerto Rico,
the island of Puerto Rico,
2725
02:07:50,071 --> 02:07:52,204
a heaping pile of garbage.
2726
02:07:52,205 --> 02:07:54,337
[Tony] A floating island of garbage.
2727
02:07:54,338 --> 02:07:57,604
I'm just sorry
you'd never been to Staten Island.
2728
02:07:57,605 --> 02:07:59,305
[laughter]
2729
02:08:00,838 --> 02:08:04,337
Tony, from the bottom of my heart,
I appreciate you.
2730
02:08:04,338 --> 02:08:07,170
I love what you do for comics. Thank you.
2731
02:08:07,171 --> 02:08:08,870
You coming to my show this week?
2732
02:08:08,871 --> 02:08:12,804
I am. I'm going to opening night Monday.
Take a Banana for the Ride.
2733
02:08:12,805 --> 02:08:14,304
It's gonna be huge.
2734
02:08:14,305 --> 02:08:16,537
How long does that run on Broadway?
2735
02:08:16,538 --> 02:08:18,670
We're going through the end of September.
2736
02:08:18,671 --> 02:08:22,237
It's basically a tribute to this tribe.
2737
02:08:22,238 --> 02:08:26,838
There's a tribute to Norm Macdonald,
Bob Saget, and Gilbert Gottfried.
2738
02:08:27,638 --> 02:08:30,437
- It's at the Nederlander Theatre.
- [cheering and applause]
2739
02:08:30,438 --> 02:08:33,770
If you're going through something tough
in your life right now,
2740
02:08:33,771 --> 02:08:35,737
this is the thing to do.
2741
02:08:35,738 --> 02:08:38,870
Come on down to my show
at the Nederlander on Broadway.
2742
02:08:38,871 --> 02:08:41,204
It's a dream come true for me.
2743
02:08:41,205 --> 02:08:44,570
And I know anybody who loves comedy
is gonna love this show.
2744
02:08:44,571 --> 02:08:47,537
I saw the test run
when it was in Austin, Texas.
2745
02:08:47,538 --> 02:08:50,004
It was fucking unbelievable.
You saw it too, right?
2746
02:08:50,005 --> 02:08:53,137
It's fucking great. Everybody loved it.
Get tickets.
2747
02:08:53,138 --> 02:08:56,804
Jeff Ross, broadway.com.
Take a Banana for the Ride.
2748
02:08:56,805 --> 02:09:00,704
One of my first mentors,
best friends, like a father to me.
2749
02:09:00,705 --> 02:09:03,604
Make some noise
for the great Jeff Ross, everybody.
2750
02:09:03,605 --> 02:09:05,471
[cheering and applause]
2751
02:09:09,038 --> 02:09:11,538
Catch him on Broadway.
Jeff, we love you, buddy.
2752
02:09:12,738 --> 02:09:13,570
All right.
2753
02:09:13,571 --> 02:09:17,337
Guys, this is a three-hour long show
and we are at the end.
2754
02:09:17,338 --> 02:09:22,404
There's only one way
to end a show like this.
2755
02:09:22,405 --> 02:09:24,637
Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you
2756
02:09:24,638 --> 02:09:27,837
the all-time record holder
for appearances on this show,
2757
02:09:27,838 --> 02:09:30,270
all-time interviews.
2758
02:09:30,271 --> 02:09:34,637
- [band playing intro music]
- The Hall of Famer who still goes into it
2759
02:09:34,638 --> 02:09:38,004
and writes a new minute every single week.
2760
02:09:38,005 --> 02:09:40,704
This is The Memphis Strangler,
2761
02:09:40,705 --> 02:09:43,770
- The Vanilla Gorilla...
- [crowd cheering]
2762
02:09:43,771 --> 02:09:46,538
...The New York Yankee.
2763
02:09:47,938 --> 02:09:52,470
This is The Big Red Machine,
William Montgomery, everybody!
2764
02:09:52,471 --> 02:09:54,638
[cheering and applause]
2765
02:10:06,038 --> 02:10:09,171
Okay, turn the fire off,
who's ever doing that!
2766
02:10:09,738 --> 02:10:12,870
{\an8}How's it going, Madison Square Garden?
2767
02:10:12,871 --> 02:10:14,905
{\an8}[crowd cheering]
2768
02:10:17,405 --> 02:10:19,970
Redban said before the show,
2769
02:10:19,971 --> 02:10:23,404
I'd like to stick my autopen
in Ashley Biden.
2770
02:10:23,405 --> 02:10:25,371
What did you mean by that?
2771
02:10:27,205 --> 02:10:31,670
I'm kind of surprised the New York Jets
didn't change their name.
2772
02:10:31,671 --> 02:10:36,137
Like if the Oklahoma City Thunder
had been called the Oklahoma City Bombers,
2773
02:10:36,138 --> 02:10:38,771
I'm pretty sure
they would have changed their name.
2774
02:10:40,738 --> 02:10:42,270
[chuckles]
2775
02:10:42,271 --> 02:10:46,537
Jesus turned water into wine
and the Jews were like,
2776
02:10:46,538 --> 02:10:50,670
"Damn, we should steal his idea
and kill his ass."
2777
02:10:50,671 --> 02:10:52,238
[laughter]
2778
02:10:53,838 --> 02:10:58,104
Imagine being the guy
Jeffrey Epstein didn't let on the island.
2779
02:10:58,105 --> 02:10:59,904
"Yeah, I was talking to the girls,
2780
02:10:59,905 --> 02:11:02,670
and there are just certain lines
they refuse to cross."
2781
02:11:02,671 --> 02:11:03,937
"I mean, let's be real,
2782
02:11:03,938 --> 02:11:07,105
I could be a difficult boss at times,
but I'm not a monster."
2783
02:11:07,971 --> 02:11:09,670
- [kitten meows]
- [chuckles]
2784
02:11:09,671 --> 02:11:12,170
My parents asked me
if I was afraid of death,
2785
02:11:12,171 --> 02:11:15,370
and I said, "Mom and Dad,
I'm only afraid of two things."
2786
02:11:15,371 --> 02:11:18,738
"Having grandkids
and disappointing Nick Saban!"
2787
02:11:21,638 --> 02:11:24,005
Have they made a Black Air Bud movie yet?
2788
02:11:24,971 --> 02:11:26,537
[laughter]
2789
02:11:26,538 --> 02:11:29,504
Okay, that's my time. Thank you, New York.
2790
02:11:29,505 --> 02:11:34,804
William "Lights Out" Montgomery
has done it again
2791
02:11:34,805 --> 02:11:38,904
- live from Madison Square Garden.
- [cheering and applause]
2792
02:11:38,905 --> 02:11:41,204
- How did it feel, William?
- Good.
2793
02:11:41,205 --> 02:11:44,937
Oh, my gosh,
I was hoping you and Matt were gonna kiss.
2794
02:11:44,938 --> 02:11:47,704
I was really hoping
y'all were about to kiss up there.
2795
02:11:47,705 --> 02:11:50,537
- [drumroll plays]
- Okay. What else is going on, William?
2796
02:11:50,538 --> 02:11:52,304
- I want to kiss you, Tony.
- Okay.
2797
02:11:52,305 --> 02:11:53,704
Okay, no, I'm kidding.
2798
02:11:53,705 --> 02:11:56,804
No, Tony, I've had a wonderful time
in New York City.
2799
02:11:56,805 --> 02:11:58,504
I'm a real big foodie.
2800
02:11:58,505 --> 02:12:02,170
I've discovered
all these great places to eat, Tony.
2801
02:12:02,171 --> 02:12:05,737
There's so many different genres of food
here in New York City.
2802
02:12:05,738 --> 02:12:08,704
I mean, I think I've really enjoyed
some Moroccan food.
2803
02:12:08,705 --> 02:12:09,904
I've been trying that.
2804
02:12:09,905 --> 02:12:12,971
I tried some Italian food, um...
2805
02:12:14,605 --> 02:12:17,104
some Dominican food.
2806
02:12:17,105 --> 02:12:21,804
What other kind of foods
have you tried, William?
2807
02:12:21,805 --> 02:12:24,937
Maybe some Japanese food!
2808
02:12:24,938 --> 02:12:26,738
- [band plays dramatic sting]
- Oh!
2809
02:12:27,305 --> 02:12:28,204
I really love--
2810
02:12:28,205 --> 02:12:32,037
Went to an Australian place
last night, Tony.
2811
02:12:32,038 --> 02:12:34,737
- Wow.
- Outback Steakhouse, Tony!
2812
02:12:34,738 --> 02:12:36,104
- [band plays dramatic sting]
- Oh!
2813
02:12:36,105 --> 02:12:37,504
[laughter]
2814
02:12:37,505 --> 02:12:40,270
That's my new sponsor, literally.
Outback Steakhouse.
2815
02:12:40,271 --> 02:12:43,438
They're paying me money
to start mentioning them on every show.
2816
02:12:44,371 --> 02:12:47,337
Wow. What other kinds of food
have you been eating?
2817
02:12:47,338 --> 02:12:49,104
People laughed at that one.
2818
02:12:49,105 --> 02:12:50,738
[laughing] I was thinking...
2819
02:12:52,238 --> 02:12:56,537
Um, God,
I had some corndogs last night, Tony!
2820
02:12:56,538 --> 02:12:58,571
- [band plays dramatic sting]
- Um...
2821
02:12:59,271 --> 02:13:01,537
Mark, what's another kind of food?
Help me.
2822
02:13:01,538 --> 02:13:05,070
- I figured you at the homeless shelter?
- [laughs]
2823
02:13:05,071 --> 02:13:06,370
Maybe soup kitchen?
2824
02:13:06,371 --> 02:13:12,270
Yeah. They have some good baked beans
at the soup kitchen.
2825
02:13:12,271 --> 02:13:13,171
Yeah.
2826
02:13:14,738 --> 02:13:15,937
Okay, uh--
2827
02:13:15,938 --> 02:13:18,870
William, you think
you're ever going to stop
2828
02:13:18,871 --> 02:13:22,070
trying different types of food
here in New York City?
2829
02:13:22,071 --> 02:13:24,437
Ah, Tony, I don't think
I'm ever gonna stop... [mumbles]
2830
02:13:24,438 --> 02:13:28,337
Wow!
Ladies and gentlemen, William Montgomery.
2831
02:13:28,338 --> 02:13:30,538
[band plays dramatic sting]
2832
02:13:32,938 --> 02:13:36,604
Come on, make some noise
for William Montgomery, everybody.
2833
02:13:36,605 --> 02:13:38,805
- [cheering and applause]
- Guys, we did it!
2834
02:13:40,071 --> 02:13:42,037
Did you guys have a great time tonight?
2835
02:13:42,038 --> 02:13:43,438
Oh, shit.
2836
02:13:44,505 --> 02:13:45,971
Those are legit sparks.
2837
02:13:47,471 --> 02:13:51,837
Thank you to everybody,
especially Madison Square Garden.
2838
02:13:51,838 --> 02:13:54,104
This place is unbelievable.
2839
02:13:54,105 --> 02:13:56,604
Thank you to you,
the great people of New York,
2840
02:13:56,605 --> 02:13:58,304
for supporting the show,
2841
02:13:58,305 --> 02:14:01,604
supporting real comedy,
supporting free speech.
2842
02:14:01,605 --> 02:14:05,170
How loud can this place get for
the great Matt Rife and Mark Normand, huh?
2843
02:14:05,171 --> 02:14:06,871
[cheering and applause]
2844
02:14:07,971 --> 02:14:11,970
And our great legends,
Take a Banana for the Ride, Jeff Ross.
2845
02:14:11,971 --> 02:14:14,904
Harland Williams, The Harland Highway.
2846
02:14:14,905 --> 02:14:18,870
Catch Dave Attell's special,
Hot Cross Buns, here on Netflix.
2847
02:14:18,871 --> 02:14:21,437
Joe DeRosa,
I Never Promised You a Rose Garden.
2848
02:14:21,438 --> 02:14:23,270
Jim Norton, Unconceivable.
2849
02:14:23,271 --> 02:14:27,004
One more time for all the regulars,
Golden ticket winners.
2850
02:14:27,005 --> 02:14:31,504
The Best Damn Band in the Land
is playing tonight at the Blue Note.
2851
02:14:31,505 --> 02:14:32,770
Big afterparty.
2852
02:14:32,771 --> 02:14:35,570
A special thank you to the IBEW,
2853
02:14:35,571 --> 02:14:39,337
the International Brotherhood
of Electrical Workers, Local 3,
2854
02:14:39,338 --> 02:14:41,404
here in New York City.
2855
02:14:41,405 --> 02:14:44,237
And one more time
for Madison Square Garden.
2856
02:14:44,238 --> 02:14:46,370
Truly, they treat us so great.
2857
02:14:46,371 --> 02:14:48,304
It's the best arena in the world.
2858
02:14:48,305 --> 02:14:50,070
Thank you to Netflix. Redban.
2859
02:14:50,071 --> 02:14:51,837
[Redban] Love you guys. Thank you so much.
2860
02:14:51,838 --> 02:14:53,670
Thank you. Good night, everybody.
2861
02:14:53,671 --> 02:14:55,004
- Thank you!
- Yeah, comedy!
2862
02:14:55,005 --> 02:14:57,471
[band playing upbeat music]