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First of all, when I get broken up with, my response is like,
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"Yeah, get out of here."
"What were you doing here to begin with, buddy?"
"Run for your life. Take me with you. I don't wanna be here."
New York City, make some noise for Jordan Jensen!
I'm… I'm having an underwear issue.
I… I bought…
I'm trying to be less disgusting, so I bought all these, like…
You know the underwear for women?
It's just underwear for women.
I bought that.
But they've… they've…
They're gaslighting us on our pussy part, no?
It's getting smaller by the day.
-Isn't it? -Yeah!
It used to be big, like a fat ACE bandage, and now it's… it's little.
And then you put it on, and you have to… you… you have to favor a labe all day?
You… You gotta split custody. You ever do that?
Where you're like, "You get it for five more minutes,
but then you better share with your brother."
"Yo, you gotta share, I said."
"Fair is fair."
What do women do that have had kids who've… You know?
The fact that women rip during childbirth is a Jackass sketch.
The fact that your whole life, your body's like, "Have a baby, whore."
Then you finally do, and it's like,
"Let's make the baby's head bigger than their pussy."
"My name's Johnny Knoxville. This is the cunt tear."
That's fucked up. Illegal.
What do men have that's bad? What do you have that's…
You know what men have that I wouldn't trade for anything?
When you guys cum, your feet look really stupid.
When a guy's like, "Do you wanna do reverse cowgirl?"
you're like, "Do you wanna do that?"
"Sure."
You're about to cum, and your toes go, "Spread out, boys."
You guys should feel insecure about that.
I might have a dick in my mouth,
but while I do, your feet look dumb as hell.
These underwear suck.
It's 'cause I… I'm trying to be… trying to be a little bit more feminine.
I'm trying to be… I pitched this hour to a different streaming platform,
and they were like, "We love you."
"We just want you to either be gay or more feminine."
And I was like, "Yeah, me too."
"Yes. Sign me up."
I wanna be hot. All my friends are getting hotter.
One of my friends is so hot that she can make demands of men.
Do you know about these?
She's so hot that she can demand things. It's called-- She calls…
It's boundaries, is what she calls it. She sets boundaries.
Amazing word.
She goes… She goes, "I set a boundary with my boyfriend."
She goes, "I told him that he has to text me
every night before bed, 'Good night, I love you,' or it's over."
I was like, "What'd he say?" She goes, "Now he texts me every night,
'Good night, I love you,' and now everything's… …great."
And I was like, "Nice."
If I said that to any man I've ever dated, they would be like,
"Perfect, I was on the fence anyway. Get the fuck out of here, bitch."
I'm not setting ultimatums, okay?
Me in a relationship is not me being like, "You gotta do this."
Me in a relationship is me going, "No, I'm not gay, watch."
"No, I love doing this."
"I'm really enjoying it."
"I like being here."
That's also probably why I'm insecure is because everybody thinks I'm a lesbian.
It's very annoying.
I'm not gonna fucking date a woman because I have three lesbian moms and a dead dad.
I'm not trying to replace Mommy. I'm trying to replace Daddy.
And when I'm with a woman, I'm the daddy, and I don't wanna be daddy.
As soon… Have you…
Anytime I have sex with a woman, they're locked in forever, right?
They're like, we're… we're one. We're a snake eating its own tail.
My hand is in there. I can't back it out, dude.
I'm like, "Whoa, what is that?"
They're like, "That's my heart. You can keep it."
No! I don't want that.
I went and got waxed to try and be more feminine.
I'll get waxed. That'll make me less dykey.
'Cause everything I do, everybody goes, "You're a big dyke."
I wore a watch the other day, nine strangers, "Dyke."
I was like, "I have to know the time."
"I have to know what time it is."
What am I supposed to have on my… a… a little tattoo of a penis, and I go,
"Oh, it's cock o'clock"?
"Oh, good, I know what time it is now. It's cock o'clock."
And then I went in to get waxed… I'll tell ya.
I went in to get waxed. I go in.
First of all, the reason why I went in
is because when we shave, we are traumatizing ourselves
in the shower because of the position we have to get into. Okay?
Men, you think we're in there like this. You think we're like this.
I'm just a girl in the world Doing things that I do
No.
Not like that. Not like that.
It's not one foot up.
It's two feet flat, ten-hut.
It's bad, dude.
I have to do… My ass… My ass… Brutal, dude.
And then you have to squinch over.
You get these rolls, these belly rolls, and the water goes over the rolls,
making it look like a Frank Lloyd Wright house.
You know what I mean?
You're like, "Oh, good, I've made an architectural… …anomaly."
And then you get the tits. That's the worst.
'Cause you have to roll the shoulders to get under.
So you roll the shoulders. We get those fucking long boys.
Oh, Foghorn Longhorn.
Why do they get so… Why are they drippy, drippy sandcastles?
Why do they look like lava lamps?
Why do they look like they're gonna drip off my body?
They're like paddles.
It looks like if you got them going,
they would clack for eternity like Newton's cradle.
And the-- I hate this too.
You have to pull this back.
To get the good shave, you gotta pull this back
like you're fucking putting eye drops into a shaggy dog's eyeball.
"Look up at me. Look up at me. I'm helping you is why."
So I went… I went in, and I got waxed.
I hate when comics tell a joke,
and while people are laughing, they take a sip.
It makes… It's very self-aggrandizing to me.
Like while you guys are laughing, they're like, "Yeah."
But I went in, and I got waxed.
I… Here's the deal. I went in, and she--
First of all, she said, "Take your pants and underwear off."
And then she did not leave the room.
I was like, "Are you gonna stay?"
-She's like, "Do you want me to leave?" -I was like… "No."
And then I… Here's the deal. I took my pants off.
It was underwear time, okay?
We don't know what's on our underwear at any given time of day.
We don't know what level of discharge.
You guys thought I was gonna say the word.
It's discharge. It's fucking disgusting.
Don't cheer for it. It's the gross-- That's also why I don't date women, okay?
I'm not-- It's disgusting.
If a guy goes down on me,
and his face is wet… …I go…
You better wipe quick. You better come up and wipe quick.
Sometimes I get homophobic. They'll come up, and I'm like, "Yo, what?"
"Were you sucking a dick down there now? Shit."
They're like, "I was going down on your female genitalia."
I'm like, "Eh, you were sucking a cock."
So she was like… You know, she was like, "Take your underwear off."
And you know, some days you take it off,
there's nothing on there, and you go, "Oh."
"I should have… nine boyfriends, okay?"
Other days, you take it off, and you're like, "I…"
"I have to go right to jail."
So what I did was, I took it, I… I did it, I…
Here's what… I gonna tell you what I did.
She's standing there, dude. She's standing there.
So what I do is, I grabbed…
I grabbed the pussy part…
I grabbed the pussy part, and then I… And then I kinda wiped with it.
I did. I kinda wiped with it.
And then, she's like watching.
And then I start pulling it down like this.
-And she's like, "Are you okay?" -And I was like, "Yeah, totally."
This is how I take my underwear off. You don't do that?
I take it off like that, and then I throw it right in the trash.
Weird if you don't.
It's actually weird if you don't do that.
So then, the waxing lady goes, "Do you want me to remove everything?"
And I… I'm afraid of bald vaginas, not in like a philosophical sense,
but in like a literal… …sense.
They just frighten me, dude. Like, when one of my friends is like changing
or peeing or something and she pulls her underwear down,
and there's a bald vagina,
it looks like…
It looks like, um…
It looks like if…
It looks like a betrayal.
It looks like if you walked up behind somebody that you thought you knew…
and you're like, "Oh, it's Jason, look." And you saw him from the back,
you're like, "100% Jason," and you spun him around,
and then his face just had no facial features.
Right?
It looks like Neo's mouth in the Matrix when he's like, "Mm, mm, mm, mm."
I don't like that.
She was like, "Okay, well, what do you want then?"
And I was like, "I would just like a, um…"
"Uh, like…" What I should have said is a bikini wax.
That's what I wanted. Just that… My shit… with no beard, right?
So I was like, "Oh, I'll take…"
I was like, "I just want the, um, triangle."
She was like, "Triangle, no problem." I was like, "Thank you so much."
She was like, "I love you." I was like, "I love you too." And then I laid down…
and it all happened very fast.
Um, it didn't hurt very much because I guess I asked her…
She said women have three times higher of a pain tolerance than men.
Did you guys know that?
Isn't that crazy?
Men don't get their balls waxed often, but women do it all the time.
I asked her about that.
I asked a massage… I got a massage, and I was like, "Is that true?"
"Women have a higher pain tolerance?" And she goes,
"Bro, women want me to get a running start and drop a knee on them."
She was like, "Men come in and they're… …'Two kisses and a hand job.'"
And then… So she goes… She goes, "Your triangle's all done."
And I look up, bro, what she gave me
legally is a triangle.
It is… It… It is… Okay, look.
This is what I thought it was gonna be, okay?
This is what I thought it was gonna be. I'll show you.
That's what I was expecting.
Right? Just my shit.
Classic… high and tight, right?
What she gave me?
I'll show you. I'll do an actual…
So fucked up. It's like that…
It's like that. It's like that.
It is tiny. And it is low. It is oddly low down.
At least make it centered, so it's like,
"Oh, follow the weird arrow to the clitoris."
It's, "Oh, the clitoris, it's right there. It's wearing a little tiny hat."
No, it's a British soldier. You got it.
It looks like Guy Fieri, like a soul patch.
It looks like a soul patch, like I'm waiting to do a bit
where a guy goes down on me, and I go, "Welcome to Flavortown."
And then I thought about it. I was like, "What the fuck? I'm fucking…"
"I'm ripping my pubic hair out
to be more feminine so a man will wanna have sex with me?"
I don't even like sex that much. I'll say it. I don't like it that much.
I'm not very good at it.
I'm having a hard time,
uh, making men ejaculate semen out of their cocks.
I…
I thought… I was worried that I had a giant vagina.
I was worried I had a giant vagina.
And I went into the doctor, not for… I wasn't like, "Check my giant vagina."
I did not do that.
I had a lump in my vagina.
Don't say, "Ew."
Did you just say, "Ew?"
Are you fucking kidding me?
That's crazy, and it wasn't a man's voice.
A man's voice, I would have accepted. It was a woman's voice?
Okay, I didn't say it was a zit or… Okay, which would…
Still you should accept my vagina for who it is and how it is
and what it decides to do with its life.
But mine had a… It was a lump, okay?
Bitch.
That's scary.
Men, if you have to have sex with that lady, that's horrifying.
You have to pull your subpar penis out, and she's, "Ew."
Um, I will never do that to you, just so you know.
I'll go like this,"Oh!"
I'll go, "Oh, yeah! Yeah! Yeah!"
Um, so…
I went into the doctor. I had a lump in my vagina.
A-- And…
It wasn't bad. It's not bad.
It was a gland that I was tugging and pulling at, and she's like,
"You gotta stop tugging and pulling at this."
And I was like, "You gotta take my fingers off then."
"You gotta take both my hands, please."
But she had the curling iron in there.
I hate that thing.
Why is it so dry?
It pulls your outer labia in.
Ah!
Like a witch's finger, just…
Or they over-lube it.
You ever get the cool doctor who's like, "No, don't worry, I got you."
And then they…
And all day, you're just squeaking that shit out.
At five o'clock, you cough
and you're like, "Oh, that was from earlier."
But I asked her when she had that speculum in there, I was like,
"Is that… Is that like a regular size?" And she was like, "Yeah."
And I was like, "Nice."
But what's happening with men is…
You'll be having sex with them, right?
I think I'm on a lot of Prozac also, so I can't… I can't… I don't…
I'm over it pretty quickly, right?
Nice.
It works.
Remember in your 20s when you would just…
They would just come quick, and then you'd collect their soul
like David Bowie in the Labyrinth?
Now you gotta do a whole fucking thing.
You gotta do a whole song and dance because they've chafed their cocks.
You know what I mean?
They have a wizened… a wizened cock, if you will.
Sometimes I'll just hop off it.
I'll just be like, "Dude, I gotta expedite this shit, right?"
You ever do that? We have to make you come.
Because if we don't, the next day we'll look in the mirror and go,
"You're a fat… you're a fat ugly bitch."
"You're a fat ugly bitch."
Sometimes you guys don't even wanna come. "I'm good."
And we're like, "Oh, this is for me. Sit down."
But then what I'll do…
You guys have done this. You switch over to the hand job.
You're like, "I'll fucking knock this out quick, dude."
"I'll knock this out."
We've been jerking dudes off since we were, you know,
whatever age makes you feel comfortable.
And then you start doing that, right?
You're like, "This is good… I'm doing a good job…"
You can see the toes… Right?
And then you go, "Okay."
"My arm's getting a little tired, dude."
"You better fucking go over the edge here, man."
And then, you ever do this?
You get so tired that you hand off the cock to him?
You ever do that?
You try and be hot. You try and be like…
…"I wanna see you do it."
You're not, You're really like, "You take over, professor."
"Show me the way, sensei."
And then you watch him, and you're like, "I've made a critical folly."
'Cause you guys fucking get after that thing.
And we're watching you, we're like, "Don't do it."
"No, let him live! Let him live."
You guys fucking… Why wouldn't you warn me while I'm jerking you off?
Why wouldn't you be like, "Hey, you don't stand a chance"?
"You don't have nearly the torque."
"You can try jerking me off, but you're gonna need welding goggles,
a panini press."
You do whatever you've been doing since you were 13
right in front of us. We hide that shit.
"Thanks, I got it from here. I like to whip and snap and bend and rip."
Scary stuff.
That's porn though. Porn is doing that. You're watching too much porn?
Nobody admits to it.
I hate porn. I'm against-- I'm not against porn.
But it makes me feel bad about my body and face and hands.
I watch… I jerk off to weird things like
George W. Bush.
The press conference where they whip the shoe at him. He slips it like a boxer.
Fuck!
Remember that?
Google that the second you leave here.
They whip the shoe at him.
He slips it like a boxer and then starts getting fucking amped, dude.
And his security guard runs in, and he goes, "No, no, no."
And he slips the other one. I jerk off to that twice a week.
Now what… I don't jerk off to the politics now.
What would I jerk off to? Elon?
Dude, I thought Elon was done.
I thought Elon was done when they, uh… when he threw up the salute.
I was sure of that.
"On, we're never gonna see him again."
But then people were defending him.
Like my mom's defending him, which is kind of crazy,
which is weird because they have their pubic hair,
like, macramé'd into a
mural that says, "Not our president." You know?
But they were like, "He has Asperger's."
And I was like, "Yeah, I know. That's why I'm upset."
I'm upset that we put a man into the public eye
that's gonna get so autistic that he's gonna geek out
and throw up a hate sign.
That's wild.
Remember in high school when there was that one autistic kid,
and your teacher was like,
"Now we're gonna watch Billy give his presentation."
And we'd all be like,
"Must we?"
And poor Billy would just get to the front of the class and just…
And you'd be like, "Yeah, he's gotta go to a different school, dude."
"This is not safe. It's not safe for him. It's not safe for us."
"He throws the basketball too hard."
Um… I did--
I looked up porn the other day because… I looked up porn because, y'know,
I gotta see what I… I gotta keep up.
I gotta keep up.
It was… It's changed.
Porn has changed.
Like when I watched it… I probably looked in on it a year ago.
Right? And it was like, you know…
"Fuck me, step bro." Right?
And now… Which is fine. At least they're, like, talking.
Like, they were having a narrative.
There was a back and forth. And now it's like… I watched it,
and, like, all of the ones I could find, it had changed to this like…
It was like… You know what I mean?
It was like electrocuted baby.
You know what my theory is?
I think it's… I think it's lip fillers.
They sound different. At the gym, I saw a girl working out.
She took these weights, and she was going like this…
It fucked me up. I was like, "I'm gonna fight this bitch."
I was like, "I have to kill her."
She can't do this to my gender. You know what I mean? This is not good.
And then I watched her long enough that I realized that… That that…
That was how her air was escaping her body
because the lip fillers was making the hole smaller.
Like, she had whittled herself into an oboe.
Like, if you push air through an oboe, it's gonna make an oboe sound--
It ha… It's gonna.
That's why porn stars sound like that.
That's why porn stars go…
They can't… If I open my mouth during sex, I go, "Whoo!"
Right?
I can go, "Let's get after it, boy!"
I can go like that.
But you got-- They can't do that. The porn…
That's all they can do. They might not even be enjoying it.
They might be going… …"I don't wanna do it anymore."
You're not allowed to say that about porn stars.
They love their jobs.
They love being there. They chose it. It's where they wanna be.
And you turn it on, it's a girl just crying on a cock.
She's like…
You're like, "No, she's an artist. She really likes that."
I watched an interview with a porn star, and it fucked my ass up, dude.
She had fake tits.
The fake tits scare me. They were huge, dude.
You know what they reminded me of when I saw them?
I guess people are into this. They looked like… They looked like, um…
Remember those bouncy balls at Walmart?
Okay, hear me out.
They're in the cages.
Yes, dude, yes.
Those were sick.
You'd pop one out, and your parents from so far away would be like, "No."
You'd be like, "I'm just gonna bounce it around the store."
I love those. Then you'd have to return it back to the cage.
It'd roll towards you, and you'd go, "I miss you too."
We had one of those… Actually, I had one of those at my school.
I went to a small school for fucked-up children.
And, uh, I had one of those bouncy balls.
Like, the teacher gave it to me to deal with ADHD.
And, uh, we were putting on a play, and we were like going…
We were losing our minds that day. We were terrorizing the teacher.
And then the Black kid in the play said the N-word.
And the teacher went…
…"Don't ever say that in my house ever again."
Right? We all looked at the Black kid like, "What?"
And he went, "It's go time." And then we all started yelling it.
We didn't know what it meant.
We just knew it was making her wanna kill herself.
She was losing her mind.
She lines us all up on the edge of the stage.
And I have that bouncy ball, right? She's screaming at us.
It's still like… Bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce.
And she's like, "You're the worst kids I ever worked with in my goddamn life."
"I never--" And I was, "Bounce, bounce, bounce…"
And then she goes, "Jordan Jensen."
And I held the ball, and she goes, "If you bounce that ball…
…one more time, this entire production is canceled."
And all the kids, like, looked down the line at me, like…
And I looked at her, and I went… bounce.
Dude, kids were ripping their shirts off.
A bow and arrow came out at one point.
Maybe a stage dive.
It was like… It was the best day of my life.
Anyway, her tits looked like that.
Nice.
Cool.
I'm glad we made it back. I'm glad we made it back.
If I make it back around, I don't have to take… …Adderall.
Okay?
Um… And she was doing this interview,
and she said something that made me realize, I've…
I'm severely mentally ill.
The… The interviewer asked her something about her boob job.
Like, you know, she said something like,
"Why'd you go so Megatron with your make and model?"
It was more respectful than that, right?
And this is what she said. She goes,
"Oh, this is what I've always felt I looked like
on the inside."
If I…
If I went to a doctor and I said, "Doctor…
…make me look how I feel"…
…the monster that would exit that facility…
the creature that would…
How I feel on the inside is hostile,
is yucky, disgusting.
I don't even know if I would leave as one… woman.
You know what I mean?
I might leave as many disgusting, bad, dirty men.
You know what I would leave as? As fucking Hamas. It would be Hamas.
It would. It would be Hamas or ISIS.
It would be six dudes in the back of a dilapidated Toyota pickup
with AK-47s.
The doctors would be like, "What have we done?"
I'd be like… …"You did a good job, doctor."
"I feel actualized as a woman."
That's what would happen.
I don't wanna feel that way. I don't wanna hate myself.
I'm tired of it. Tired of fucking…
I'm tired of thinking sex is like going to cure my…
You know, if I fuck enough dudes, I'll like myself.
I've just… It's enough. I'm out of the game, dude.
Remember having sex, and your vagina was jacked up, and you're like,
"I'm not letting anybody in there. It's… It's… She's hurting."
"Nobody's welcome."
And then one guy was like, "Can I have sex in there?"
And you were like, "Yeah, go right in."
Remember that? You didn't let them eat you out or go down on you.
You weren't lubed up.
You're just like, "Just push it in. It'll wet its own whistle."
"Just pump for oil. It'll get there."
They loved it, dude.
They're like, "Oh, you're so tight." You're like, "Thanks, it's inflammation."
One time… one time…
You guys know about that, right?
One time I was having sex with this dude, and we were doing it like that, right?
And, uh, me and him, we-- I was in love with him.
We both had vasovagal, which is where we both faint at blood.
And we were doing like that.
We were doing the dry rub, and the side of my vagina got cut.
Yes.
And he must've felt like a… I didn't…
I didn't feel anything 'cause it was all pain.
And I didn't…
And I didn't see anything
'cause I was searching his eyes for love and commitment.
But he must've felt like a change in viscosity
because he pulls out, and he goes, "Are you on your period?"
And I go, "No, why?"
And then he goes, "I'm so sorry. I can't help you."
And faints on my body, right down.
Right down.
And then I was like, "What's going on?" So then I lifted up his hips.
I saw the blood, and then I passed out.
And usually what happens when you faint is you faint,
you get oxygen, and you leave, right? But we were stuck together.
So we were just fainting, waking up, looking at each other, seeing the blood.
We would look at each other like, "We have to break the cycle."
"Gotta get us out of this."
I did it. I got us out of it. I pushed him off me.
I shoved him off me onto the floor, and I started army crawling to my
mom's bedroom.
Dude, I was, like, nak-- Not naked. I never fuck naked.
So probably T-shirt, no pants or underwear, Pooh Bear, right?
And I was Pooh-Bearing…
…to my mom's bedroom.
Just screaming.
And I get to my mom's room, and the door was locked
'cause she was always, you know.
Always locked, dude, with this bitch.
And she's a good mom.
She just is an asshole. She doesn't know that she's an asshole.
She's doing her best. So I knock on the door, and I go, "Mom."
And she goes, "What?"
And I go, "My vagina's bleeding everywhere."
"I cut the inside of it. It's bleeding. I keep fainting."
She interrupts me and goes,
"It's just like the inside of your mouth. It'll heal quick."
I think about that every day.
Why?
Why? What-- Few questions, just a couple, actually.
Why did she have the information so readily available?
That's a big que--
My biggest question is why was she standing so close to the door?
Anyway, now I'm like, okay, let's not use sex to deal with insecurity.
Let's fucking figure out what it is on the inside, okay?
I think a big part of it is, I think if you grow up poor,
you're inherently insecure, because you see too much shit.
Like if you grow up trash, you see gnarly shit that you have to tell people.
You have to be… You know, you don't have to, but you kind of have to, right?8
At some point, it comes out. Somebody says, "I love you."
And you go, "You don't love me. I know a guy who fucked a cat."
"You can't love me."
"You haven't seen what I've seen." We see too much.
We hear too much. We hear a lot of adults having sex, a lot.
If you grew up poor, you overheard adults having sex,
and you didn't realize it until you got into high school.
And some kid at some point goes, "If I ever heard my parents having sex,
I'd kill myself."
And you go, "Yeah, I wanna die every day, yeah."
It's sex all the time.
And it fucks you up as a kid if everybody's being--
And I don't know what it is.
I don't know if it's that the houses are smaller
or the parents are younger when they're poor
or, like, the insulation in the walls,
the R-value, has been reduced by… cat piss and cigarette smoke.
I don't know.
But I know it's a common thing.
My dad would fuck all the-- It's called covert incest
when you fuck around your kids.
It's called covert incest, which sounds extreme,
doesn't it?
Covert incest sounds like if there were three brothers
stacked up in a… in a trench coat…
and they all raped you.
But covert incest… I was watching, uh… I was watching Law & Order: SVU and, uh…
That show rips, dude.
How is that… How is it legal for us to watch that?
You're like, "This guy fucked this woman's eyeholes."
You're like, "Surely, they won't show it. Oh my God!"
I was watching it, and they were like, "Oh, this victim is a, you know…"
"She grew up with covert incest." And I was like…
And they were like,
"When one of your parents is being too sexual around you as a child."
Not sexual at you, just around you. They're having sex around you.
And what it does is, as an adult, you end up using sex
to deal with complex emotions.
And I got so overwhelmed
by the TV diagnosing me that I shut it off,
and I masturbated immediately.
It was only afterwards that I was like, "Ooh, another case closed."
Stabler and Olivia, you are good.
It happened a lot. My dad would have sex.
My dad… My dad was upset that my mom was a lesbian,
which is crazy because he met her coaching her rugby team.
So then he was always trying to beat her body count.
Right? So he was always fucking these women.
And I didn't know my dad-- My mom's was the safe space.
And then I would get dropped off there, and there was this young, tan carpenter
fucking these super-hot women, right?
And I was not hot.
I was a morbidly obese mall goth, okay?
And I… I was a little jealous of those women.
I'm not saying I wanted to fuck my dad.
But I'm saying, like… …"I wanna fuck my dad," okay?
I would never say, "I want to have sex with my dad."
But I would say…
I was slightly attrac-- Maybe you guys had ugly dads.
I had a hot dad who was…
I had a fucking hot dad who was a cowboy and a carpenter.
Try not being attracted to your dad when he's a ripped-ass tan guy
going up to an unbroken thoroughbred, petting it going…
…"Settle girl."
"Settle."
He was hot, dude.
And he was mean, which is hot.
I remember going up to him as a child and brushing his hair with a comb,
and him going, "Cut it out."
And I was like, "No."
And then I brush, and he goes, "Cut it out!"
And I went… …"No."
And I brushed it again.
He grabbed me, whipped me over onto his lap and threw me onto the floor.
And even as a five-year-old, I was like,
"Ooh, that's gonna leave a lasting impression."
"Ooh, I'm gonna have to reenact that with a man who's toxic."
Um…
He would fuck all the time.
He'd fuck these hot women which… God, these poor women.
Imagine going over to a man's house and having sex with him,
and you know he has some weird goth child running around somewhere,
but you're not sure where she's at.
And then you just open the door after sleeping with him,
and there's just me standing there with a Hello Kitty shirt,
just a sixth grader, 220 pounds.
It's time for you to go home now.
You've had enough alone time with daddy.
Every time I talk about this,
there's always one person in the audience that goes, "Jesus."
One time he was fucking this-- We went on this camping trip,
and he was fucking this woman in a tent, and she was like obscene.
It was like noon, she was squealing.
She was like… …"Fuck me, Jordan's dad," or whatever.
Or whatever the fuck.
And I had like… I had really bad OCD at the time.
You get OCD also…
If you come from a normal household, your parents tell you how to stay alive.
They go, "Water… …bread," or whatever.
My parents were like, "I'm gonna leave for four days."
"Here's a blowtorch. Go fuck yourself," right?
So you develop childlike rules, right? You're like, "How about this?"
"On the top of every hour, I'm gonna tap my asshole 19 times
on the off chance, that keeps me alive."
"One, two, three, four, five, six, seven--" Right?
And then the next day, you wake up, and you're still alive.
So you're like, "Better get to tapping."
I had really bad OCD at the time.
I had OCD where, when I pooped, I would have to wipe 111 times, okay?
Sure, I bled, sure.
Sure, I still have that same exact OCD thing, yeah.
Clogged a lot of toilets.
Sucks clogging a toilet when you're fat. Let me tell you that.
Everybody thinks you're clogging it, 'cause your poop's fat, 'cause you're fat.
But our butthole's the same size as everybody else's butthole.
You come out, and you're like, "I clogged the toilet."
And they go, "I know, look at you."
Anyway, I had to shit on this camping trip. I was probably ten.
I went up to the tent, and I go, "Dad, I gotta poop."
And he said, "Well, I gotta cum, so get out of here."
So then I devised this plan
where I was like, "Here's what I'm gonna do."
"I can swim."
So I was like, "I'm gonna swim deep, and then I'm gonna shit in the lake."
"The poop's gonna go down."
"I'm gonna get out cleaner than before I got in."
"The only downside to this is
I might become too addicted to this method."
"That is a risk I'm willing to take."
I started pooping, and I had this thought, like, I was looking up at the clouds.
I remember this very well, and I was like, "Dude, this is a big step."
You are only like ten years old.
You're really fat.
You have really bad OCD,
and you, uh… you managed to find a solution to this problem
without any adults.
And that's called self-soothing. And things might be all right for you.
And then I turned, and the poop was floating right in my face.
As if it was looking at me being like, "Hell, yeah, brother."
"I mean, up top, really good."
And I was like, "Okay." I was on the shore. I'll be very--
Here's the thing. I know it's grim. I know it's grim.
I know you're worried about me.
But every sad thing that happens, there's a really positive…
There's a… There's…
I'm coping, sure. Sure.
But every negative, there is a positive.
And there was a beautiful thing that happened where I was on the shore,
I was shaking, gray. I was like, "I have to kill myself tonight."
And I watched the poop float towards the campsite.
I was like, "My dad's gonna find my poop."
"My boyfriend's gonna find my poop. My boyfriend's gonna find my poop."
And, uh, I watched the, uh, tent unzip,
and out emerged his naked whore.
And she had to rinse my father's cum off her body.
Where did she do it? Right in my poop water.
Let's fucking go.
That's… That's God. That's God.
That's God, being like,
"This is gonna be a really bad life, but here's one from your boy, okay?"
"Never say I didn't do anything for you."
I think the fat thing also fucked up my self-esteem.
I was fat. I got fat because I got stuck in the milk-cereal paradox.
You guys know what that is?
It's brutal, dude.
I got fat. I had to hide… I had to hide to eat, right?
'Cause you're fat.
When you eat when you're fat, people go, "Why are you eating?"
You go, "I'm hungry." And they go, "No way."
And you go, "I'm serious."
It's crazy.
"I really am."
I also hid to eat
'cause I had to drown out the sounds of my father cheating on me.
There's only one more "fucking my dad" joke in this whole thing.
I know if there's one person in here who's like,
"If there's one more 'fucking her dad' joke, I'm out of here,"
you should go, 'cause there is.
There's one more.
So the milk-cereal paradox is where you put the cereal in the bowl,
you put the milk in the bowl, you eat the cereal.
There's milk left, right?
So you got to add cereal. But then it's a little too dry.
So you got to add milk, right?
And then you got to add more cereal 'cause there's milk left.
Look at that.
And then it's a little too dry. Add a little milk on top of that.
And you get stuck in this transcendental…
"You got to add the cereal in the bowl and the milk in the bowl."
The TV's on. It's fully dissociating.
"Cereal in the bowl and the milk in the bowl and eat…"
Om.
And then you get type 2 diabetes.
I did have type 2 diabetes. I got rid of it by sucking cock.
You tried that?
Sucked a lot of cock.
Replace food addiction with sex addiction. Works every time.
Works, same.
Some kid came over to the farm. "You wanna put my penis in there?"
I was, "Yep, I put everything in there. To… toss it back."
And then I was worried that I was doing a bad job.
I was worried that I was blowing him wrong, right?
And as I had that thought,
he looked down at me, and I look up at him and he goes, "Hey."
And I was like… …"Uh-oh, right?"
And he was like… And he goes, "You're doing a really good job."
And serotonin flooded my brain. I was like, "I never have to eat again."
It really… I found out recently that this is an eating disorder.
A woman confronted me after a show. She was mad about it.
She came up to me, and she's like… Here's the deal.
I'm very obsessed with animal facts, okay?
Like the one I'm obsessed with right now is,
did you know that otters have a little pocket?
You guys know that?
Where they keep a rock? Why didn't I know it my whole life?
Listen to me.
They have a little pocket in their fur where they keep their favorite rock,
and they take it out to open oysters.
And where do they put it? Back in their pocket.
Why didn't I know this?
Why… How come every… How come when I was 13 and wanted to kill myself,
how come the therapist was like,
"We'll give you 100,000 milligrams of lithium."
"You won't be able to feel your hands."
Why weren't they like, "Hey, I know life is bad,
but otters have a little rock pocket."
I would have lived another day.
You know what I mean?
Anyway,
the animal fact that I was obsessed with at the time that this woman confronted me
was…
was that I thought that there were two different types of pigs.
I thought that there were, like, boars and pigs,
but it turns out, if you have an inside pig
and you let it outside into the woods, it'll go from being a soft little
Babe pig, a little pink pig, a little "pig" pig,
and it'll turn into a strong pig.
It'll-- Do you know this?
It'll get thick tusks and long hair and thick skin,
and you won't even recognize your pig.
You might recognize it 'cause you have a special connection, but…
Then you let it out, it'll be outdoor pig.
So this is… I thought this… I viewed this as self-help.
I was like, "Yes, I'm a pig."
"I can go from inside pig to outside pig in two days. Watch me."
And then this woman came up to me after the show, and she was like,
"I'm so glad that you brought up anorexia."
And I was like, "Did I?"
And she was like… she was like,
"I'm currently in recovery for it right now."
"See?"
And she put her arm out, and she had thick black arm hair.
And I was like, "What is that?"
And she was like, "That's what happens when you lose too much weight."
"Your body starts producing thick hair to protect itself from the cold."
And I went… …"You're a pig!"
And she was like, "What did you just say?"
And I was like, "Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no."
"I apolo-- You are not… You're not like a 'pig' pig."
"You're like… you're a pig on the loose, if anything. You're an outside pig."
"Do you want to buy a poster?"
So bad.
Anyway, I lost all this weight sucking cock.
I was sucking a lot of cock. I stopped being goth.
I stopped being goth because a cool Black kid walked by me in school and went…
…and I said, "Get it off. It's over. You're right."
Very important for Black people to keep white people in check.
We get weird, dude.
White people get scary.
White dude hitting on you, way more scary than a Black dude catcalling you.
You notice that?
We give Black dudes a bad rap for catcalling. Way less scary.
Black dude catcalling you, it's like this. "Hey!" You go, "What?"
They go, "You wanna fuck?" And you go, "No."
And they go, "Okay." That's it.
It's over. They walk away, right?
And you walk away being so mad. "How dare he?"
White dudes, when they hit on you…
First of all, they never say they want sex,
even though you can hear their balls brimming, brimming with cum.
You hear… "What is that? Is that a dog whistle?"
"What is that?" You can see cum in their waterline.
They always come up way too close.
Ask you something terrifying.
"What album would you take to a desert island?"
Anyway, but I lost a bunch of weight… …because of the cock,
and I lost a bunch of weight really quickly,
um, because I just, you know,
started blowing dudes instead of eating.
And then what happened was I got a lot of loose skin on my belly.
Loose.
And it would get stuck in my zipper.
Picture it.
Yes.
It was gross, dude.
I mean, it's fine. Bodies are bodies. Who the fuck cares?
My problem with it was, when I was on my hands and knees taking all that cock,
it would hang low…
Low.
Like a dorsal fin.
And it would-- That… That's also fine. Who gives a fuck?
But mine would make a fucking sound.
So… How do I say this?
That… That ass would clap…
…but then that flap would slap…
…creating… a speed bag scenario.
They would wanna keep it on tempo. We both wanted it to stay on tempo.
We'd wanna…
But sometimes it would get off tempo, and that's awkward.
So we'd have to work together to be like, "One, two, three."
Yeah, dude, we got it.
So I got plastic surgery. I got it cut off. I did it.
I'm one of these girls who got plastic surgery. Did not change anything.
I thought it was gonna take away all my insecurities. Zero…
I should have kept it. Why?
Because I could have made a little rock pocket out of it.
Oh, could you imagine?
I could have kept a rock in my little skin pocket.
But I've thought about this a lot.
I've thought about it. I've cut my skin off.
I removed my fucking pussy hair so that I can meet a man, right?
There's so much pressure. I'm 33. So much pressure.
All these people trying to solve your problem. My poor mothers.
My mothers love me, but they wanna… They're like, "Just be gay."
"Just be gay, baby girl. Why are you doing this to yourself?"
Right?
But their whole thing is like-- My masculinity does get in the way.
It does. Even my body, my hand. Look how big my hands are, dude.
These things around a cock, it dwarfs it.
Let me see your penis, sir.
Pull it up here for a second.
It gets little, dude.
It's like you're on-- It's really intense.
And… I'm… Their whole thing is like,
if you're gay, you can escape heteronormativity.
You don't have to deal with the man-woman dynamic. "Is that true?"
'Cause it seems like lesbians have a pretty heteronormative dynamic.
Every lesbian couple I know, there's a man and a woman, dude.
One of my moms is a lipstick lesbian.
She carries around the fucking… She's a hairstylist.
She has the bag that has… no strap.
What's that called? Snatch? Clutch.
Clutch is in a car. Whatever.
She has… She does the long eyelash exte-- She does the long nails, right?
When did we decide as a gender that elongating the dead parts of our body
is what makes somebody beautiful?
Where was I? "You know what's really elegant…"
It's fucking crazy, dude.
Why do we have to immobilize ourselves more?
My friends with these nails are like, "Can you put the water in my body?"
"I can't… I can no longer operate any motor skills."
"Please help."
And then my other mom is… …is a CrossFit instructor.
She looks like a French bulldog, you know?
She wears a bolo on special occasions.
I'm like, "Yeah, you're a man, Donna."
"You're a man and a woman in a heteronormative relationship."
You know what I mean? They look normal.
I shouldn't say normal. They look like one of God's… children.
If God saw them, he would be like, "Go right in."
I feel more queer than them.
I'm this fucking pseudo-lesbian fucking all these little NPR beta cucks.
Strapping all these little dorks to the back of my motorcycle,
being like, "Wrap your legs around me, little buddy."
And they're like, "Okay, but is my laptop bag gonna be okay?"
"Because my laptop's in it."
I'm sick of it.
And then my other mom, you know, my biological mom, she doesn't care.
She wants me to find somebody. I don't even know if she does.
She just says shit that's mean on accident.
Like, I bought a house upstate, right?
Not upstate, not like… …upstate, but like… …upstate, you know?
Like, you know, paintball upstate.
And, uh…
I was like… I was in the house and I-- It needs a lot of work.
And I was crying because me and my dad used to do carpentry together.
It needs a lot of work, and he's dead, right?
And also, when you buy a house, you wanna fuck your dad in it, right?
That's number three. That's number three. That's the last one.
Um…
But she comes up behind me. I'm crying about my dad.
She starts talking to me, and she goes, "I know why you're crying."
And I said, "You do? You know why I'm crying?"
And she goes, "Yeah, you're crying 'cause you thought, by this age,
you'd be buying a house while married to a man."
And I was like, "I was not thinking that at all."
And she goes, "Well, it's something to think about," and just scurried off.
And I get it, I get it. You wanna be in a partnership?
I don't know if I wanna have kids. Having kids is a little fucked-up.
If I don't have kids, here's what I'm worried about.
Being a woman is a bad… It's a bad gig, okay?
We have a bad… We're having a bad time, okay?
It's rough. It's hilariously bad.
And if you have a kid, all of those things that make it bad,
your cycle, your tits, your weird, dumb tits,
all of this become utilized when you have a kid, right?
So I'm worried if I don't have a kid, my life will just be a man
having a really bad time.
Does that make sense?
That's what I'm worried about.
Because when you have a kid, your whole body gets utilized,
and men become completely irrelevant, right?
Which is… I went over to my friend's house.
She just had a baby, okay?
She… Dude, it was fucked-up.
She looked fucked-up.
Have you seen one of these… She was still pregnant.
I was like, "Why are you…"
The baby was out. I was like, "Why are you still… What's in there?"
And she was like, "I don't know."
She was hooked up to these milk pumps. Have you seen these things?
Why are they see-through? Riddle me that.
It was-- Her tits… Her big tits were in the cones,
and it was making this, like, hypnotic, sci-fi, Matrix…
It was like that.
And her nipples were going in the things, and they're big. They're like cocks.
And then… Big cocks.
Why are… Why do the nipples get so…
And the milk was coming out of them like cum out of the cocks.
It was so gross.
And I was, like, really overwhelmed. I was like, "Why are you pumping?"
She was like, "I'm an over-producer." And I was like, "Never say that again."
Never say those words again.
And I was like… I was like… And then she like…
She took her nipple out. She was putting it in the baby's mouth.
And you watch the mom just dissociate, just like…
"That's a good latch."
And I was like, "Why are you breastfeeding?"
And she was like, "I have to also breastfeed,
because the baby might have bacteria in its mouth,
and my nipple will know to produce an enzyme
that cures that bacteria."
I was like, "What did you just say to me?"
"What are you talking about?"
Your nipple is like…
…"No, I got this, I got it."
"No, I'm on it right now."
What?
Who knows? Your nipple knows?
I turn, and her Where's Waldo? husband is in the kitchen,
like, "You guys want pizza?"
I was like, "What is he doing alive?"
'Cause isn't it… That's bizarre, right?
That women have to go through all the biology, right?
We still have to fucking pump out a kid and hook it up to our fucking system.
But men, you don't have to hunt and kill and bring it back.
"No, I downloaded the Uber Eats app. It took a minute to load, but I got it."
That's fucking insane, dude.
I looked this up. I started getting obsessed with this.
"Why do women have to have such a bad time giving birth?"
It seems like the one thing that should…
I started looking up other animals who give birth.
I looked up "chimp" because they look like us.
Bro, they're throwing elbows. They're ripping, dude.
They're ripping like we rip.
I was expecting the video…
I looked up "female chimp giving birth."
You don't have to look up "female."
You can just type "chimp giving birth."
I didn't want to see a boy doing it.
That's stupid that I did that.
Um…
But I saw-- What I expected the video to be was like…
was, you know… I expected it to be, like, lady monkey on her back,
feet up, you know, with the thumb toes.
And maybe she's doing the breathing. The…
Her other lady friends are around her, her monkey friends, smacking the ground,
being like…
You know? Didn't you picture that?
That's not what it is. The video, you can look it up.
It's a lady monkey just walking around, just doing, like, monkey shit. She's like…
And then at one point, she starts, like, poking at her pussy.
She's like… And then she just looks down.
She grabs the fucking baby's head, rips it out,
puts it on the ground, and it just gets up and gets a job.
It's just a whole monkey. It's a whole fucking thing.
Like, "I'm gonna go get us food. That was crazy. You did great."
"I'll get us pizza. I'll get pizza."
That's fucked-up.
I've thought about this a lot.
And my issue is women should not have to be the more feminine gender.
We should-- We're more diesel. We do a lot more, right?
If you try and pop a zit on a man's back…
If you pop a zit on our back, we're like… …"Lean into it."
And it's fucked me up for a long time, right?
"Why do I have to do it? Why do I have to pull my vagina hair out?"
"Why do I have to be hot?"
And I've realized…
Because I used to be like, "It's the patriarchy."
"It's women are dumb, right?"
I went through all these phases, and I realized what it is,
is that in society, you want to have, like, a unified sense of self.
And men, you guys naturally have that.
You wake up every day, the same person, right?
You wake up, "Wallet in the back left, keys in the front right…"
I like that.
I do. I really do.
I wish that I was like that so much, but we're not like that.
You know what I mean?
We have multiple people living in us throughout the month.
We have many different creatures, and we can't say that.
We can't be like, "Will you love me forever?"
"I don't know who I'm gonna be tomorrow."
So instead we go, "No, look at the tits."
"See my fake tits? See my big tits?"
"Yeah, same person with the big tits." Right?
Or we put makeup on, like we try and create a cohesive sense of self.
We have like…
We have, like, four different creatures that I've counted.
We have the premenstrual girl, okay? Fat Beatrice.
I won't talk about her too long. People do get weird.
But what I will say is, when you're in PMS,
you don't know what it's like to not be her, right?
And when you're out of it, you don't remember what it's like to be in it,
which feels similar to an acid trip, honestly.
When you're on acid and you're like, "I'm always gonna be like this forever,"
then you get out of it, and you're like, "Who the fuck was that demon?"
That's what it's like.
When men are like, "She be trippin'," we literally do be trippin', okay?
We look in the mirror, we don't recognize ourselves.
We see a big, fat…
"When did I become a waterbed with a little frowny face drawn on it?"
It sucks, dude. Then you're just praying the whole time.
"Please let me get out of this hell vortex."
Then you finally get out of it. "Please, the darkness is too dark."
"Let me bleed."
Then you become a different creature. That's not you.
That's Rasputin, dude.
She's fucked-up.
She's my favorite, honestly, because she's fucking…
She's ravenous. She's, like, raw,
and she's dying from blood loss.
It's crazy.
I mean, there's women in this room right now
that are pumping blood out of their pussies right now.
They don't wanna be here.
They wanna be in a field,
taking down a deer, sucking its blood for iron.
They don't wanna be here. But they agreed to go.
"I bought the tickets. Why wouldn't I wanna go?"
"If I'm the same exact person, why wouldn't I?"
Maybe they went to the bathroom, wiped and got blood down their arm.
We've all done that.
Wipe it off with toilet paper, roll the toilet paper up,
make a bomboclat, right?
Tuck that between the labia, walk out, and people are, "How are you?"
"I'm doing really well, actually. No, I'm doing really well."
"Love comedy. I love comedy."
"Love to laugh."
Every time you laugh, your tampon is…
…coming out a little bit more.
Brutal.
That's weird.
Every time a woman leaves the bathroom, bleeding out of her vagina,
she should walk out going, "Blood in the hole!"
It should not be…
Then after you get your period, that's my least favorite week.
It's the best week, but it's the worst week,
because that's when you become the liar. That's Gwen.
Gwen, after you get your period, you lose all the water weight, right?
You feel hot. You start working out again.
You start making promises you can't keep. "I'm never gonna be like that."
You lie to your boyfriend. "I'm never gonna be like that again."
"That was crazy."
"No, I'm not gonna send text messages like that."
"I'm not gonna binge eat like that. We're gonna have celery sticks."
And then like clockwork every month.
Wah! You're…
Giant bag of shredded cheese.
Naked, 4 a.m.
Fridge, wide open.
Getting shredded cheese in your pubes. You don't care.
You don't care.
Judging your friend's save-the-dates. You're like, "She's a whore. He's fat."
"Never gonna last."
"I'm not going."
Maybe there's, like, a couple days where you feel like yourself,
but you can't get, you know, attached to that version of you
because the darkness is always ascending.
And men, you guys are different.
You guys are, "I'm Brian every day." And that's awesome.
I do respect that about you. That's why I date you.
When women communicate, the only things we talk about
are what fucked-up psychological tribe we're trying to escape, right?
"Do you ever think I'll stop being an anxiously attached EMTJ,
Mercury, Gemini, sourdough rising or whatever the fuck?"
When you talk to men, they're like,
"Hey, you ever happen to see a possum hustle?"
I'm like,
"No, dude. You looking at one?"
"Yeah, these fuckers can go."
That's great.
I love that. That's refreshing.
But you should like about us that we're a multidimensional,
many-faceted creature, right?
Because I'm sick of my guy friends who are like,
"I just want to find a chill girl who's into anal."
I'm like, "Awesome, dude. You're gay."
"Be gay, brother."
"You're a gay man."
And that's great.
But you're gonna have a bad time if you try and find a chill woman.
We're not meant to be chill, bro.
The name of our gender is "whoa, man." That's not an accident.
Somebody named us. Somebody went, "That's a man."
"And that's-- Oh, it's biting!"
We're always in our heads.
We're always stuck in this fucking hell cycle.
We're always thinking nine months ahead. We always are future-tripping.
That's why we like getting choked out.
Haven't you wondered why every other woman you fuck is like,
"Would you actually mind killing me tonight?"
It's 'cause when you cut off our passageway,
all of the neuroses shuts off,
and we're limited to just basic survival thoughts.
Just live, breathe, don't die!
And we get to feel how it feels to think like a man for two goddamn seconds!
All right, that's it. I gotta go. Thank you.
Thank you, guys.
Thank you.
I don't know what to do with my hands.
There you go.
Yes, yes, yes.
I did a meditation reading At the zodiac factory
But I projected too hard Had to send you in after me
And if the I Ching Doesn't say the right thing
Baby, you're just gonna have To wait and see
If you followed the steps To fulfill the prophecy
I lost… I lost…
So I've lost a bunch--
Hold on.
Tip of the tongue.
I-- Okay.
I wanna go home. Okay.
But I hope the total eclipse Charged it up with energy
I forgot my mantra but saged the clot That blocked up my memory
So you should know I'm still smiling Even if you can't picture me
You let your superstition Get the best of you
Yeah, well, I can be superstitious too
Making it happen
Chaos magic
Superstition, ooh
Heady nations
Too much for you
Too long, didn't read
The tales the old wives Told me to believe
Superstition
Make up your tradition
Superstition
Make up your tradition
Superstition, my ritual