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[female announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together
for Kevin Hart's Acting My Age.
[playing theme music]
[choir singing]
[crowd cheering and clapping]
[inaudible]
[cheering intensifies]
[music continues]
[mouthing] Thank you.
[mouthing] Thank you. Thank you.
[music ends]
Wow.
[crowd cheering]
[chuckles]
Yes. Yes.
[crowd cheering]
Now, I wanna start off by saying I'm in a really good mood.
The reason why is 'cause life is good right now.
Wife is happy. Kids are happy.
My relationship with my extended family is getting better.
-Um… -[crowd chuckling]
Recently, I've been put in charge of all family gatherings.
Anything that requires the family to get together in bulk, I make it happen.
Family reunions, functions, dinners… It all goes to me.
I'll be a liar if I told you guys it isn't annoying because it can be.
My nephew just came, and he said,
"Unc, I've got something I wanna tell the family,
but they can only hear it from me. Can you help me get the family together?"
I said, "I got you."
I call the family. We get together and go to a restaurant.
I got a private room at the restaurant.
When we walk into the private room, my nephew stands up.
He says, "I brought y'all here because I want y'all to know I'm gay."
-It was quick. -[crowd laughing]
It was quick.
He didn't even let us sit down and eat. It was fucking quick.
And when he said it, nobody said nothing. Everybody was quiet.
I said, "Fuck, somebody's gotta say something.
Somebody's gotta break the ice."
Because I'm now in charge. I gotta be the one to say something.
I said, "Nephew, listen."
"I think I can speak for the entire family." Right?
[crowd laughing]
Yeah? All of us.
"When I say that we, as a family…"
[crowd laughing]
Um…
"It's safe to s-- Look, listen."
"I think it's safe to say that we, um…
That… that we know."
Like, nobody's shocked.
[crowd laughing]
Nobody's shocked by this information.
When he said it, he had on a halter top. Like a little tube top.
[chuckles] It said…
It said, "My booty hole brown." That's what it said.
Yeah, of course you're fucking gay. Hey. All right?
We don't give a shit. We're family. We love you.
My aunt tried to ride that same wave. My aunt stood up.
She said, "Look, since we're being honest,
I want ya'll to know I've been struggling with my weight."
"I feel like I'm suffering from obesity."
Again, it's quiet. Nobody says nothing. It's quiet.
I'm like, "Fuck, I gotta break the ice again."
"I gotta say something again."
I said, "Pat, sit your fat ass down."
-I said that. -[crowd laughing]
And I did. I said that.
"Sit your fat ass down, Pat."
"That's not new fat, Pat. That's the same fucking fat."
Pat's been fat since I was 12. That's the same fucking fat, Pat.
Sit your big ass down. Ain't no fucking obesity.
It's tough keeping the family together.
A lot of work. A lot of work.
You gotta have a lot of patience, man. Even in your household.
I'm a father of four. Talked about my kids throughout my career.
A lot of pressure on me as a celebrity father.
I gotta be honest. I feel like I put the pressure on myself, though.
I do. You know why?
Because I feel like… I feel like, at least one of my kids has to make it.
Right? I'm not expecting to go four for four. I'm not.
I'm not.
I think any parents in here that have four or more kids…
You know the kids that are gonna make it and the ones that aren't. Like, you know.
[crowd laughing]
You can tell. "Hey, look, this nigga right here, ey…"
[chuckles] "Get the bail money ready for this one."
"Huh, I don't know."
I just… You know what it is, man? I don't wanna pitch a dud.
I don't wanna be one of those celebrities that pitch the dud.
Lot of these celebrities have kids.
These kids grow up and don't do shit with these resources
that they have available at their fingertips.
I don't want that to happen to my kids.
I want them to take advantage of the opportunities they have.
I don't wanna pitch a fucking dud.
I can tell you some celebrities that have pitched a dud.
You don't think about it the way I do. I think about it.
I can tell you. I don't give a shit. I'll be honest.
This is one of the reasons why I took your phones.
-So I can be fucking honest. Um… -[crowd laughing]
So I can be honest.
-Say how I fucking feel. -[whooping]
If you tell anybody, I'll deny it. I'll fucking deny it.
-[crowd laughing] -[Kevin coughing]
I'mma tell you who I feel pitched a dud. I'mma tell you.
[scattered laughter]
Michael Jordan.
-Michael Jordan… -[crowd laughing]
…pitched a fucking dud.
I don't care what you say.
Michael knows it. I know he fucking knows it.
You don't think Michael Jordan gets an attitude
every time he sees Dell Curry celebrating on the sideline
with Steph Curry and Seth Curry?
-You ever seen Dell Curry watch a game? -[crowd laughing]
Dell Curry's like, "Look at my sons in the NBA!"
Michael's just gotta look down on the other end of the couch
at Marcus and Jeffrey. "Look at you two ain't-shit niggas."
"Just sitting here coming up with different-color Jordan combinations
and playing Fortnite every fucking day. Look at you."
[crowd laughing]
This is also a good time to tell you all
like, me and Michael Jordan don't really get along.
So a lot of this stuff is… comes from a weird place, man.
Michael's had an attitude with me for years.
Years Michael's been pissed at me because I hosted a celebrity event
for him years ago, and he came in late.
He walked in late, and I had two in the chamber.
I don't know where they came from, but I hit him with a quick one.
Pap! It was quick, but it was only fun.
Everybody knows Michael Jordan's a horrible dresser. Horrible dresser.
Some of the worst jeans I've ever seen in my life
have been worn by Michael Jordan.
Huge back pockets. Really big back pockets.
You could put a Dell computer in his back pocket.
Goddamn, Mike. Is that a fucking Dell computer in your back pocket?
Goddamn, Mike. Is that a fucking modem in the other? Goddamn!
He came in late. I hit him with one quick.
I said, "Michael dresses like a pregnant lesbian."
I don't know where it came from.
He had his pants up real high, covering his chest.
He has that little fat thing, that little fupa thing sticking out.
I haven't talked to him since. I haven't talked to him since then.
Now, I don't really give a shit.
I don't really care who likes me or who doesn't.
I'm at a point in life where it's very hard to irritate me.
Forty-five years old. The older you get, the less fucks you give.
-[crowd affirming] -It's a true statement.
-[crowd cheering and whistling]
The older you get, the less fucks you give.
If it's not about my family or forward progression in life,
it doesn't get any of my time or attention.
Honestly, I'm not the same man I used to be.
Me and my friends, we've all changed.
God, I remember back in the day how we were.
We used to talk about the same shit every day, all day.
♪ Where the bitches? Where the clubs? Where the drinks? ♪
♪ Where the drinks, where the clubs? Where the bitches, where the clubs? ♪
Every day.
[crowd laughing]
Forty-five is different.
All we talk about now is injuries and medicine.
This is real shit. It's real shit.
After 40, you stay hurt. I don't know what it is, man.
You stay hurt, but you just don't know how it happened.
Every conversation you have starts off with a question
about an injury that you don't know how it got there.
"I fucked my goddamn neck up today."
"I don't know what I did to my goddamn neck."
Everybody cares about your injury after 40. Everybody wanna help.
"What you think you did?"
"I don't know what the fuck I did to my neck."
"I think I'm looking at the signs on a highway too long
'cause I'm doing this, but then tracing it back like this."
Everybody wanna tell you what you need. Everybody think they're a doctor.
"You gotta get you some turmeric. Get some turmeric, some fish oil."
"Rub some fish oil on your neck."
"Take a tablespoon of garlic. Bite an onion."
"Put your left foot in a bucket of hot water."
"Stay in there for ten minutes." "You think I'm a vampire?"
"What the fuck are you talking about?"
You stay hurt after 40.
Here's a crazy thing about getting injured after 40.
You never make it back to 100%.
You lose a piece of yourself with every single injury.
You do not make it back to 100%.
Here's proof. Look at this arm.
Mm. All the way up. See that? Right there. All the way.
-Not this side. There it is. Right there. -[crowd laughing]
Right there.
Showed the doctor. You know, what he said, "Just use the other side."
I said, "Bitch, fix it!"
[crowd laughing]
"Got me out here uneven. Fucking fix it!"
I'm so envious of this younger generation.
These younger kids get hurt, they bounce right back.
I was playing basketball with these kids.
One of the kids twisted his ankle.
His fucking ankle hit the fucking floor. I saw it.
Twisted his ankle. His ankle was on the fucking court. Pow!
I said, "Oh shit! That's gotta be broke. He broke that bitch. I know he broke it."
Y'know what he did? Y'know how he fixed it in real time?
He bent down, tied his shoe up tight… [groaning] …jumped up. Aah!
[crowd laughing]
He said, "I'm good. I'm good."
"I'mma finish the game." I said, "Finish the game?"
[crowd laughing]
You can't do no shit like that after 40.
You twist your ankle, your ankle hit that goddamn court.
The next day you're in that boot.
You got that fucking boot on.
[crowd laughing]
"What's up, y'all?"
"Goddamn, Joe!"
"I thought you twisted your ankle." "So did I."
"Turns out it's my meniscus and my Achilles."
"That started my sciatica. They say I'm out for eight months."
"Eight months?"
"Eight months! Goddamn, Joe!"
-"You didn't even play!" -[crowd laughing]
"I know. They said I sat down too fast."
"Y'all gotta stop sitting down so fast when y'all go out there."
"Y'all gotta slow down."
"Goddamn, Joe." It's too easy to get hurt.
I don't think people understand how easy it is to get hurt.
I was walking down the stairs the other day.
I slipped down the last three steps.
I didn't fall. I heeled it. You know that shit, when you do that?
You know what I'm talking about? Like, "Oh no." Like that shit right there?
Scared the fuck out of myself.
By the way, I would much rather fall. I would much rather fall.
'Cause if you fall, it's over with.
This shit right here, you're thinking about…
You're thinking about how bad it's gonna be when you finally go down.
"I'm about to fuck my head up on the goddamn step."
You end up hurting people.
Poor lady in front of me. I pushed this old bitch down the stairs.
I panicked. Ahh!
-All I heard was… [wailing] -[crowd laughing]
[wailing]
Stairs are dangerous.
I don't know why we need so many.
So many fucking stairs everywhere you go.
Going up 'em is fine. Going down is the problem.
The older you get, it gets scary. I was with my son the other day.
My son was going down the steps. Never seen anything like it.
This nigga was skipping stairs going down. He's…
-[crowd laughing] -[scoffs]
He's gotta be a fucking Avenger. I ain't never seen no better knees.
What kind of knees does my son have?
I go down the stairs sideways.
The older you get, they change, right here.
[crowd laughing]
Go ahead. You in a rush? Go around. Go around.
I'm not gonna hurt myself fucking with y'all. Go ahead.
[crowd laughing]
It's too easy to get hurt.
I stepped in the shower the other day. My leg got away from me. Oh my God.
Scared the shit out of me. Got a lot of distance in-between my fucking legs.
I ain't never had that much distance in-between my fucking legs before.
-[crowd laughing] -Oh my God.
You don't respect all that shit you can grab onto in the shower
until you need it. You don't respect it.
All those bars… 'Cause you don't know why them bars are there in the shower
until you fucking need it.
Let me tell you something. I slipped, almost cracked my fucking head,
grabbed that little bar.
I said, "Thank you, save-a-little-nigga-life-bar."
[crowd laughing]
Yeah.
That's what that is.
That's the save-a-little-nigga-life-bar. [chuckles]
Here's the funny part. I missed the big one.
I… I tried to grab the big one.
I missed that bitch. Had to grab the… [chuckles] …the fucking little one.
Oh my God. I never knew that's why the two bars were there.
I've got a fear of falling in the shower.
I think that's probably one of the worst injuries that you can get.
Falling in the shower? Oh my God. Here's my fear.
Falling and hurting myself to the point where I can't move,
but I fall underneath the shower head,
and the water… the water… [chuckles]
The water keeps coming down,
and I gotta sit there and fight for my life for six hours.
[crowd laughing]
For six hours, I'm like… [crying]
[crying]
[wailing]
That's how they find me.
With a little dick, 'cause I've been in the fucking water for six hours.
[crowd laughing]
Oh my God. Can you imagine?
You're about to die.
The last thing you hear somebody say is, "Ew, look at his dick. Ew."
Oh my fucking God.
Shoot me now.
[crowd laughing]
"Why does his dick look like that? Ew!"
Wash rag's sticking out your ass because it's the last thing you washed.
Little piece of shit on the rags. [chuckles]
"Ew, it's shit on that rag."
"Little, shitty-butt, little-dick man. I ain't touching him."
[crowd laughing]
I'm fucking dying.
You know why I think like this? Because of my last injury.
My last injury fucked me up real bad, man.
I basically broke my dick. I don't know a better way to explain it.
I'm being very honest tonight. It's a show full of transparency.
I injured myself during a footrace.
Not on the track.
Not where you run through a ribbon
and you get an award at the end of the race. No.
Two drunk niggas in the middle of the street, 2 a.m.
I raced an ex-NFL running back for no reason.
[crowd laughing]
It was an impromptu run.
We was at a cookout.
Overheard him talking at the bar. He was talking about football.
He was like, "Man, I swear. I miss the game of football."
"Life ain't the same without football. I'd do anything to get back on the field."
"I feel like I lost a piece of myself when I stopped playing. I miss the game."
For no reason, I said,
"Bitch, I'll smoke your ass in a footrace right now."
[crowd laughing]
He said, "What? Kevin, are you serious? You wanna race?"
I said, "Yeah, I wanna race, bitch. Let's go."
He said, "Kevin, if you wanna race, we can race."
There were so many signs that I ignored…
[crowd laughing]
…that said, "Kevin, don't go through with this race."
The first sign I ignored
was how he was stretching versus how I was stretching.
He had so many stretches.
He was doing like some deep fucking hip bends like this.
He had some like groin shit he was doing. He was doing knees.
I call 'em ice cream scoops. I don't even know what the fuck these are.
He was doing some butt kicks. He had like five minutes of stretches.
I went up that bitch, shook my legs twice. Pow! Pow! "Let's go."
[firmly] "Let's go!"
The worst thing that you can have after 40 are friends the same age.
Friends 40 and above are horrible
because no matter what dumbass decision you decide to make,
they're gonna support you and ride with you regardless.
When I shook my legs twice, I said, "Pow! Pow!" My friends were like, "Yeah!"
[crowd laughing]
"Get him, Kev!"
[crowd laughing]
About to smoke his ass.
I told him out the gate… I said,
"Look, man, you're a professional athlete, so I know you've got technique."
"Because of your technique, you feel like you've got advantage,
but you don't."
"Because of my raw talent and my natural ability to run,
I will catch your ass."
-[crowd laughing] -Here's my secret when I run.
My secret is I keep my fingers real close together like this.
-And I… Wait a minute. [chuckles, sniffs] -[crowd laughing]
[laughing]
[continues laughing]
My… My secret is I keep my fingers real close together like this,
and I chop through the wind like thi--
-[crowd laughing] -[chuckles, sniffs]
I treat the wind like a piece of cake. When I fucking run, I chop!
Everybody gets a piece of cake when I fucking run.
Everybody else running with their fingers open.
You're getting all that wind. Look at that. All that fucking wind.
All that wind.
Not me. Not me. Look at that. Look at that.
We sent the little boy down the end of the block.
Little boy had to hold his arms up, like this.
When the boy dropped his arms down, it meant it was time to fucking race.
We on the starting line. Like I thought, he had technique. I knew he had technique.
He had one hand down like this. He had this arm up like this.
He had his head like that.
[crowd giggling]
I had what I refer to as the street nigga start.
-It's when you don't… You… -[crowd laughing]
You're just trying to get a little jump on him. That's all.
[crowd laughing, clapping]
Oh my God. Little boy's on the other end of the block.
"On your mark, set…"
He dropped his hands. Bow. It's time to go.
He got out the gates on me.
Now, when I run, I start off with my head down.
I start off with my head down, and then I eventually pick my head up.
Every time I pick my head up,
we're either side-by-side or I'm in front of you by a bit.
It's never failed.
I've never had a race where we haven't been side-by-side
or I've been in front of you by a little bit.
For the first time ever, I pick my head up,
I saw the back of his head. Oh my God.
[crowd laughing]
I'm fucking losing. Oh my God.
Something's off. Something's gotta be wrong.
There's no way I'm fucking losing. Something's wrong.
I look at my fingers. I didn't have my fingers closed up all the way.
Had to close 'em up.
-[exclaiming] -[crowd laughing]
The older you get, the more noise you make when you run.
-[yelling] -[crowd laughing]
[continues yelling]
My friends, they're yelling from the side, "Come on, Kev! Get it up!"
"Get your knees up, Kev. It's thin. Heel to toe. It's thin."
"Fuck, I'm trying!"
I can't catch him. Eight steps left in the race, guys. I'm talking to myself,
"Come on, Kev. Put your knees up. Fuck, man. Turn it over, Kev."
"Come on!"
Second to last step, I felt it. [snaps fingers] Just like that.
I fucking felt it.
[groans, snaps fingers]
You know what it felt like?
It felt like my dick flew off my body and went in the bush. It…
It felt like my dick left my body and went in the bush.
I stopped running immediately. Ah!
-Ah! -[crowd laughing]
I made that dumbass face people make when they get hurt
and they make eye contact with somebody.
[crowd laughing]
[crowd continues laughing]
My trainer knew right away. My trainer said, "Kev, you good?"
"Absolutely not. I'm fucked up, man."
You can tell how hurt you are by who you ask for after the injury.
All my friends are standing right there.
I said, "Go get my wife. Right now. One of y'all go get my wife."
When you ask for your wife, you wanna get your life affairs in order.
You wanna sign paperwork. The family trust, the will…
I don't give a fuck what it is.
My dick's in a bush. I don't wanna live anymore.
I'm not living without a dick. My dick is in the bush.
They went to go get my wife. My wife came out hot. Had an attitude.
Head bobbing side to side.
As soon as she saw me, she said,
"What the fuck your stupid ass done did now?"
[crowd laughing]
[scattered laughter]
[crowd laughing]
"I need you to do me a favor."
"Go look in that bush and see if you see my dick."
"What?"
[loudly] "Go look in the bush and see if you see my dick!"
"Your dick ain't in no bush." "My dick is in the bush!"
Because I'm small, she grabbed me right away.
"Come here! Come here! That's your dick right there."
"I feel your dick right there."
"Impossible. That's all balls. What you just felt is all balls."
"My dick is in the bush."
"I'm not arguing with you about where my dick is."
"I'm calling a doctor right now."
I called my doctor. "Doc, this is bad."
"I can't walk, Doc. There's a chance that my dick is in the bush."
"I took a picture of the bush, in case we gotta come back to get it."
-"My wife won't help me look for it." -[crowd laughing]
I'm coming to the hospital, Doc, but I'm coming through the back.
I don't want nobody to see me like this. "Get a gurney, a stretcher. I can't walk."
He said, "Kevin, I got you." True story, people.
My friends pick me up, put me in the passenger seat.
We pull up at the hospital. My worst nightmare.
It's like an episode of one of those really bad hospital TV shows.
They show up, they got the gurney, they put me on the gurney,
start rushing me through the hospital.
They're cutting my pants from the bottom,
saying those weird hospital sentences that don't make sense.
"Give me three TCEs with eight SUVs."
I don't know what the fuck they're saying. I don't know what they're saying.
Somebody yells out, "We gotta give him an MRI."
"Give him an MRI so we can see what's going on."
I don't know what it is about the MRI machine, but I can't take it.
But I'm never honest about it. I lie every time.
They put me in the MRI machine. My doctor came out. "Kev, you good to go?"
"Absolutely, Doc. Let it rip."
He closed the door. I start hearing the beeps.
Beep, bop. Boop, boop, boop. Bop, bop, bop.
I lost it. [yells]
I said… [chuckles]
I put my hands on the glass. I said, "They're trying to take my DNA."
-[crowd laughing] -[Kevin chuckles]
I fucking lost it.
They had to put me to sleep.
They put me to sleep. I came to. My doctor was very honest with me.
He said, "Kevin, it's exactly what you thought it was."
"You messed yourself up pretty bad, Kevin."
He said, "Kevin, you tore up both your adductors."
-Fuck! -[crowd laughing]
I tore both of them?
Tears. Real tears, instantly.
I'm crying. I'm a fucking mess.
The reason why I was crying is because I had no idea what that was.
I've never heard that before. I never heard it, so I assume the worst.
"What are you saying, Doc? I don't have ovaries?"
"Did you take my ovaries, you son of a bitch?"
"Did you take my ovaries from me?"
It was a sad day.
I got a wheelchair that day.
I was in a wheelchair for six weeks, people.
They gave me the hospital wheelchair, which is possibly the worst wheelchair
that money can buy.
It's the one that you gotta fold. You gotta fucking fold it.
But you gotta be strong as shit. You gotta fucking really…
The only way you get it flat, you gotta punch the seat. Bam!
The brakes are behind the wheels.
You gotta step on the brakes real fucking hard.
[crowd laughing]
I have so much more respect for people in a wheelchair
after being in a wheelchair.
Notice I said "more." I've always had respect for people in wheelchairs.
I just have more respect now.
You know what it is? It's all about the wheelchair handler.
You get a bad wheelchair handler, life in a wheelchair can be shit.
-[crowd laughing] -You need a good wheelchair handler.
My handler was horrible. Horrible.
My first handler? Horrible.
My first handler was my wife. What a bitch to get. I'm just saying.
-It is what it is. I'm being honest. -[crowd laughing]
Day one in a wheelchair, I get home. She rolled me in front of a window.
Locked the back brakes. [grunting] Said, "I'll be back."
Seven hours she left me in front of that fucking window.
Seven hours!
I don't know the last time you looked out a window for seven hours,
but I saw everything that day.
It was like a Black episode of Misery. I didn't know what the fuck was going on.
Pissing and shitting on myself. Nobody changed me.
-"What the fuck is this?" -[crowd laughing]
Life in a wheelchair was tough, man. I didn't want my wife anymore.
I said, "You know what? I want my son now."
"I wanna use my son. My son's gonna be a better handler."
My son was no better.
-[crowd laughing] -He played too much.
My son would do shit like
push the wheelchair out in front of him real far.
Then he'd run, jump on the back, make my shit pop up.
[crowd laughing]
There's no greater fear than the fear of somebody pushing you on a wheelchair
and letting you go, and you see traffic.
-"Hey! Hey!" -[crowd laughing]
[yelling] "Hey!"
[chuckles] That's how I found out why they wore gloves.
I never knew why people in a wheelchair wore gloves.
I thought it was because they had attitude and were sick of people's shit.
That day I saw traffic, I panicked.
I tried to stop the wheels with my bare hands.
-I burnt a hole in my palm. -[crowd laughing]
I burnt a fucking hole in my palm.
When it happened, there was another man in a wheelchair across the street.
He looked at me.
He said, "You'd better get you some gloves, little man."
I went home and told my wife, "I gotta get some gloves."
"Look what I did to my palm. I burnt a hole. I gotta get some gloves."
She said, "I got no gloves."
"I've got some mittens upstairs. You use those."
[crowd laughing]
I get the mittens.
We go outside later that night. I was rolling.
I see the same man in the wheelchair that told me to get the gloves.
I try to show him love. I said, "I appreciate you looking out for me."
"Telling me to protect my hands like this
means the world that we're fucking sticking together like this, man."
Apparently, this is disrespectful in the wheelchair community.
This means something.
He got mad. He said, "You ain't gonna put your thumb in nobody's ass over here."
I said, "What… the fuck are you talking about?"
"Ain't nobody trying to put their thumb in your ass."
"I'm saying thank you for the love. I'm saying thank you."
He said, "You think it's a game, bitch?" He charged me.
[crowd laughing]
It's my first wheelchair fight. I'd never been in a wheelchair fight.
I didn't know what to do, I couldn't move, 'cause my son had my back brakes locked.
So I had to… I had to brace for impact. I was… We were… [chuckles]
We were looking at each other in the eye. [yelling aggressively]
[crowd laughing]
Fucking knocked me out the chair. Oh my God!
I got up. I'm pissed. "Why the fuck you ram me like that?"
People were watching. Somebody yelled out,
"He's faking. He can move his legs." [chuckles]
[crowd laughing]
[Kevin chuckles]
I said, "I'm not faking. I'm not faking."
"I got abducted. I don't have ovaries. They took my ovaries."
[crowd laughing]
"You don't know what it's like to not have ovaries."
"I don't have any ovaries."
You guys are laughing, but this is my life.
[chuckles] This is…
[giggles]
I started walking again in six and a half weeks. Walking.
Because we're being honest, very transparent tonight, I had a thought.
When I was walking, I realized that over the last six weeks
my dick didn't get hard one time.
This is a true story. "Oh my God."
"What if this is life now? Oh my God."
"What if this is now my new norm?"
"What if my wife wanna fuck, and I can't 'cause my dick don't work? Oh my God."
-[crowd laughing] -Here's the thing about me.
I don't have anxiety, but when I get it, I got it.
I felt like I had it. Right? So I started to spiral a little bit.
I'm fucking spiraling.
I went out. I got a dick pill.
True story. There's no shame in my game
about admitting that I took a dick pill before.
I feel like every man should take a dick pill
at some point in time in his life.
And hit their lady with a piece of dick-pill dick. I really feel that way.
I don't think you should tell her. Don't tell her when you take a dick pill.
My wife has no idea that I took a dick pill.
She will once she sees the set, of course. But as of right now, she doesn't know.
It's all about understanding the rules,
all about understanding the context behind the dick pill.
You get the right dick pill,
you can get three good days out of a dick pill.
[crowd laughing]
Rule number one is that you can't believe the hype.
Make sure you understand that, fellas. Don't believe the hype.
That's not you. That's the dick pill. Do you understand that?
It's not you.
It's the dick pill.
Don't try to merge your regular dick after your dick-pill dick.
Those are two different versions of dick.
You're gonna get your feelings hurt. She's gonna fuck with your self-esteem.
[crowd laughing]
You gotta know how to break the days down.
Day one on the dick pill is all about setting the tone,
setting the foundation.
You know what's in your system. She don't.
You gotta talk shit.
"You keep walking around here stomping your goddamn feet,
you're gonna get what you're asking for."
"'Cause you must've forgotten who the fuck I am
and what I'm capable of."
"I'm about to toss your ass up in the air."
[crowd laughing]
"You keep playing with me,
you gonna get a goddamn blast from the past."
"Whatever, Kevin. Whatever. You're always talking shit."
"Whatever. You're always talking shit."
[crowd laughing]
End of day one, you do exactly what you said you was gonna do.
You give out the best piece of dick-pill dick you've ever given in your life.
Day two is all about the follow-through. "What did I tell you I was gonna do?"
"Didn't I tell you I was gonna do that? I can do that whenever I want."
"It's like a light switch. I can flick it on and flick it off."
"The reason why you don't get that dick all the time
is because you don't know how to act. That's why."
[crowd laughing]
"You start acting right, you'll get that dick more often."
[mocking] "I'll act right. I'll act right. I'll act…" [laughs]
[crowd laughing]
[mocking] "Tell me what I gotta do to act right. I'll act right."
"You can start by shutting the fuck up."
-[mock crying] -[crowd laughing]
You're a different man with a dick pill in your system.
You're not the same version of yourself that you are without.
Your trash talk is even different.
You're saying shit that you didn't know you were capable of saying.
"What's my goddamn name?" "Kevin."
"No. No! What's my full name, the way it is on my birth certificate?"
[scoffs] "Kevin Darnell Hart. Kevin Darnell Hart. Kevin Darnell Hart."
-[drawn-out] "Yeah!" -[crowd laughing]
"Yeah!"
What's my Social Security number?
[crowd laughing]
"What? I don't even… I don't even know."
"What's my Social Security number?"
"You better say it before I take this dick out."
[whining] "No. Don't take this dick out."
[sobbing] "Oh God."
"1-7-4-3-2-2-2."
-[drawn-out] "Yeah!" -[crowd laughing]
"Yeah!"
"Raise your hand if you lovin' this dick."
[sobbing] "I'm loving this dick."
You can't follow that with your regular dick.
You will get your feelings hurt.
[crowd laughing]
Right off the gate, she will hit you with a gut punch.
As soon as you put it in.
"Is it hard all the way? It don't feel like it did yesterday."
-"Bitch, what did you just say to me?" -[crowd laughing]
[chuckles] "Bitch, what did you just say?" "It don't feel like it did yesterday."
"It don't feel like it's got the same amount of blood in it
that it had in it yesterday."
"You said if I act right I can get that dick whenever I wanted,
and I've been acting right."
"Here, let me help you… Let me help you get more blood in it."
"Kevin Darnell Hart. Kevin Darnell Hart. Kevin Darnell Hart."
"Bitch, stop saying my full fucking name!"
"The fuck are you saying my full name for like that?"
"1-7-4-3-2-2-2-1."
"Bitch, stop saying my Social Security number!"
"You wearing a wire? Who the fuck you work for?"
[crowd laughing]
[crying] "I want that dick. I want that dick."
"Put your fucking hand down."
[crowd laughing]
Now this went in reverse. Now you're you soft. Oh my God.
You just went soft in the session with the woman you love. Holy shit!
This is bad. This is as bad as it gets.
This is ground zero, level-ten stage of panic.
You gotta do what you can to save the session.
That's when you gotta hit your lady with the squeeze and squish.
Sir, you know what the squeeze and squish is?
The squeeze and squish is your last resort.
That's your last resort at saving the session.
You gotta squeeze the base with everything you got,
try to get enough blood at the top until you pop the seal.
[laughs] That's when you turn into a Transformer.
[mimicking beeping]
[grunting]
Just looking for a little reaction.
[yelling]
"What's happening?" "Shut up, Shut up!"
"Throwing me off."
Every man knows what I'm talking about. You just didn't know what to call it.
It's the squeeze and squish. You're welcome.
Women are gonna go home tonight, "Are you squeeze-and-squishing me?"
[crowd laughing]
That feels very squeeze and squish-ish.
[crowd laughing]
[laughing hysterically]
You know what my problem was? I think…
I think my problem was my dick pill provider.
[crowd laughs]
My problem was where I was getting the dick pills from.
I didn't wanna go to the doctor.
I didn't want to get a prescription for dick pills.
I felt that was too aggressive.
Getting a prescription for dick pills. Jesus Christ.
I mean, God, what happens when he cancels your prescription?
You can't do it anymore.
You no longer get a prescription because a doctor cancelled it.
That's embarrassing.
What's that conversation like?
[in submissive tone] "No, I know. I know, Doc."
-[chuckles] -[crowd laughing]
"I'm not even fucking like that no more. I swear to God. This… This is it."
"This'll be my last time. Don't leave me out there like that."
I just can't see myself in that situation.
I was getting my dick pills from the gas station.
-Um… -[crowd laughing]
I was.
It didn't happen on purpose. It was an impromptu purchase.
I went to go get gas. Went inside to get chips.
They had the dick pills next to the chips. I said, "Fuck it." I took it right there.
[gobbles, laughs]
[chuckles]
I drank a C4 Energy drink. Felt it right away.
[grunts aggressively]
My problem was the gas station clerk.
I had so many questions for the gas station clerk.
I told you guys I've got a little anxiety.
I was treating the gas station clerk like a doctor.
I had so much that I wanted to know.
I said, "Excuse me. Excuse me. Can you tell me the difference
between a Rhino XL and a Silverback 45 Pro?"
-"What's the difference of those two?" -[crowd laughing]
"Oh! Okay, so you like the Rhino? Okay. Okay."
"I'm allergic to shellfish."
-"Anything I need to worry about?" -[crowd laughing]
"No? I'll be fine? Okay."
"How do your customers feel?"
"Do you get repeat customers? Do they come back and buy more?"
"Do they say they loved it and come back and get it again?"
He told me flat out.
"I've got one guy that comes in here and buys every dick pill we have."
"He leaves with 'em in his back pocket."
I said, "There's only one back pocket big enough to fit that many dick pills."
Michael Jordan, you son of a bitch.
Michael Dick Pill Jordan, you son of a bitch!
[cackling]
[continues cackling]
Mike gonna kill me when he sees this set.
-I can't wait. He gonna fuckin' kill me. -[crowd laughing]
Y'all gonna read about me and Mike fighting in the streets.
I'm gonna keep punching him in his back pocket. "Fuck you, Mike."
"Fuck you, man. I know where the computer is."
I really am afraid of being addicted to pills.
That's a real fear of mine.
The reason why is because I'm a 45-year-old Black man.
This is where health and wellness comes into play, man.
Take care of yourselves, people.
Take care of yourselves while you can make the choice.
Do not wait until you don't have a choice. Let that sink in.
Take care of yourself while you can make the fucking choice.
Health and wellness is very serious.
-It is. -[crowd clapping]
-It is. -[crowd whistling]
The reason why I'm so big on taking care of myself
is because a lot of shit is in my family.
A lot of shit. My family is fucked up, man.
Name it, they got it.
Diabetes, fucking cancer, high blood pressure, hypertension, gout.
I mean, strokes left and right. You name it, they're fucking battling it.
I don't wanna be that guy, so I'm trying to fucking prevent it.
Trying to change myself now so I don't have to do it later.
That's what I'm trying to do. That's the goal.
-Um… -[crowd clapping]
I'll…
I'll say to my friends… My friends are probably the dumbest people in the world
when it comes to understanding health and wellness.
My friends have no respect for health and wellness.
Spank may be the dumbest when it comes to understanding health and wellness.
We're at dinner. This was a month ago. Spank drank a glass of wine. Right?
After he got down the wine, he's like,
"Goddamn, every time I drink wine, I get dizzy as shit."
"My motherfucking eyes get blurry, I can't feel my hand."
"The left side of my face feels like it's getting long."
"My fucking arm is numb. I can't feel my leg."
"My foot feels like it's got spikes coming in it."
I said, "Bitch, you're having a stroke. This is a stroke."
[crowd laughing]
He said, "I'm all right. I'm gonna go home, lay down,
and drink some ginger ale."
I said, "What?"
[slurring] "I'mma lay down and drink some ginger ale."
I really wanna meet the person responsible
for convincing Black people that ginger ale is medicine.
-I wanna meet you. -[crowd laughing]
I wanna meet you so I can punch you in the fucking throat.
It's not medicine!
It's fucking soda. It's soda!
You wanna know what's not in ginger ale? Ginger.
How about we start there, people? Fucking ginger!
People got fucking small bottles of ginger ale in their medicine cabinet.
You fucking idiots. It's soda!
My friends swear by ginger ale.
They swear by it.
My friend Harry, his knees have been messed up for over ten years.
I know it's his meniscus. I know it is. Ask Harry what's wrong with his knee,
he goes, "I slept wrong. I just gotta let it loosen up."
Spank goes, "You gotta drink some ginger ale."
Harry goes, "Word?" This is a true story.
Harry goes, "Word?" He said, "I'm telling you, drink some ginger ale."
Harry orders a ginger ale, drinks it, stands up.
-He goes, "Oh shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah." -[crowd laughing]
"Yeah!"
"Yeah, I feel that."
You lying bitch.
[crowd laughing]
Telling me you feel bubbles in your fucking knee? You don't feel shit.
Health and wellness all comes down to what you can eat versus what you can't.
It's a battle people lose every day.
Some people understand it, some people don't.
What can you eat versus what you can't.
Old people don't give a fuck. Old people do not give a fuck.
You ever tried to correct an old person when you know the shit they can't have?
"Grandpop, you know you can't eat salt." "Motherfucker, I know."
[crowd laughing]
"You think I give a fuck about you or the doctor?" [chomping]
They don't give a fuck.
I already know what I can have, and I know what I can't.
I love the Spicy Chicken Sandwich from Chick-fil-A.
I can't eat it though, but love it.
I think it's the best sandwich in the world, but I can't eat it.
That sandwich is undefeated.
It's never lost a battle to my body. Never.
Every time I eat that sandwich, it comes out my ass like a buckshot.
-One shot. One shot. -[crowd laughing]
Pow! There it is. There it is.
I don't even look back. I know it's a mess.
I know it's a fucking mess back there.
Bang!
[crowd laughing]
You know what pisses me off about that sandwich? I know I chew it.
-I chew the fuck out of that sandwich. -[crowd laughing]
Somehow that bitch put itself back together
and comes out my ass whole.
The bun be on the back of the toilet seat. The chicken patty on the goddamn floor.
I gotta put the bitch back together and put it in the toilet.
[crowd laughing]
Fuck that sandwich. It's an ass fire. It's a walking ass fire.
[crowd laughing]
The older you get, the less you can have.
Your stomach fucking weakens the older you get.
You can't eat shit no more.
If you really wanna laugh, go to dinner with old people.
Go to dinner with old people
so you can hear old people tell the waiters the shit they can't have.
It'll be the simplest shit. "Excuse me, is there lemon in that water?"
"Uh-uh! Get it out of here."
[crowd laughing]
"I eat that lemon, it's over for me for the month."
[crowd laughing]
"I'll be shitting for days if I eat that lemon." [chuckles]
"Lemon makes you shit?"
[crowd laughing]
"Is that sesame seeds on that bun? Uh-uh. Get it out of here."
"I eat a sesame seed, I'm fucked up for the year."
"What?"
"For the year? Goddamn!"
But getting old is fun.
I can't wait to get, like, to the other side of old age.
It's all about knowing the version of old that you wanna be.
I know the version of old that I wanna be,
and I know the version that I do not wanna be.
I've already had a talk with my family.
If I get to a certain level of old,
I don't wanna live no more. I don't wanna be here.
I don't wanna get to this point where… where I'm like…
-Oh… -[crowd laughing]
[chuckles]
Oh…
-Oh… -[crowd continues laughing]
Where you always look like somebody called you. Oh…
Oh… Oh…
I don't wanna fucking live.
If I get there, you gotta remind me of all the shit that I used to like.
"Grandpop, you want some pancakes?" "I don't want no pancakes."
"But you love pancakes."
"Oh…"
[crowd laughing hysterically]
"Oh…"
"That's right. I do love pancakes."
-[crowd laughing] -[chuckles]
Take me out back. Shoot me in the fucking head.
[crowd laughing, clapping]
I ain't gonna be "oh-ing" people to death.
[mimicking old man] Oh… Oh…
[laughs]
Somebody go lay that nigga down.
[crowd laughing]
I don't wanna get to that… to that space where I need that pill box.
I don't want that either.
That long-ass pill box with the days of the week on it.
I'd rather fucking die.
I'd rather die than pull that out my pocket at fucking dinner.
[mimicking old man] "Oh boy. Oh…"
[crowd laughing]
"Anybody know what day it is?"
"Thursday? Oh no. I thought it was Tuesday. Oh!"
Shoot me.
[laughing]
I don't wanna fucking be here.
If I can't blow out my birthday candles on my birthday cake,
I don't wanna fucking be here.
That's the worst shit that you could do to an old person.
Old people turn 83, 85 years old.
You get these big-ass birthday cakes with all these fucking candles on it.
You got 85 candles on a birthday cake.
You come out. "Happy birthday, Grandma. Blow out the candles."
[crowd laughing]
[scattered laughter, applause]
"You can do it, Grandma." [yells] No, she can't!
[crowd laughing]
Been here 45 minutes waiting on this bitch to blow these fucking candles out!
Gotta go to work!
"You can do it, Grandma."
[chuckles]
I don't wanna fucking be here.
I wanna get to that age where I can say whatever the fuck is on my mind.
That's the old that I wanna be.
There's a certain level of old where you just start saying shit. You don't care.
You're on the other side of life. Some old people have done it right.
You know who did it right? The legend Quincy Jones.
-Rest in peace to the legend himself. -[crowd cheering, clapping]
Quincy fucking Jones.
Oh my God.
Man, Quincy got old, just started saying shit.
[crowd laughing]
You want some comedy? Watch Quincy Jones's last four or five interviews.
He just starts saying shit.
Shit that had nothing to do with the goddamn questions being asked.
Quincy was on his own time. He was doing his own shit.
I watched an interview. They said, "Quincy, tell us what music means to you."
He said, "I fucked all the Supremes." "Hold on. Wait, what?"
[crowd laughing]
"Jesus Christ, Quincy. What?"
-"I don't give a fuck." -[crowd laughing]
"Do you know what 'Supremes' stand for? Supreme pussy. I don't give a fuck."
[crowd laughing]
"I've been doing cocaine for 60 years." "Oh shit!"
"Quincy…"
"Quincy, stop. Stop talking."
"Think I give a fuck? I've got shit that people need to know."
"I know stuff." [chuckles softly]
"Here's a big one. Stevie Wonder is not blind."
-"He been faking it." -[crowd laughing]
"He been faking it this whole time."
"Stevie asked me years ago, 'How can I compete with Ray Charles?'"
"I said, 'Be better at being blind.'"
"You know what Stevie did? That's what he did."
[crowd laughing]
[chuckles]
"He can see them keys. He can see them keys."
[crowd laughing]
"He been faking." [chuckling]
"Joe, that's enough. No more, Joe. No more."
[crowd laughing]
"I'm the one who told Joe Jackson to whoop them kids." "Wait. Whoa!"
[crowd laughing]
"He didn't miss a day. He didn't miss a day." [laughs]
[in high-pitched voice] He… "I've got one more, one more."
"I've got one more." [laughing]
[crowd laughing, clapping]
"I'm…" [sniffles]
"I'm the one who bleached Michael's skin. I did it."
I did it.
-[crowd continues laughing] -[sighs, sniffles]
He said he wanted to go solo. I said, "You ain't gonna make it like that."
-"Bleach. I did it!" -[crowd laughing]
[giggles, inhales]
[continues giggling]
[sniffles]
[scattered laughter]
That's a… That's a different level of old age.
I wanna get there.
Where you just start saying what the fuck you want.
-I'm getting close. -[crowd laughing]
You know, this was a…
This was a joke I didn't know if I was gonna keep it or not.
But I'll tell you. I'll… I'll… I'll fucking put it in. So…
Remember the dinner that I told you guys about, uh,
that I had with my family for my nephew, right?
So at that dinner, we got done eating. The waiter comes out.
True story. Waiter comes out. He goes, "Hey, you guys want dessert?"
My family goes ham. "Hell yeah, we want dessert."
"Give me the sweet potato pie. I want the lemon meringue pie."
"The triple layer chocolate cake. Ooh, give me the red velvet cupcake."
"Oh, fuck that. Give me that apple pie. I'mma taste that."
"I'll taste a bit of yours. Get me the root beer float, extra float."
He said, "Mr. Hart, do you want something?"
I said, "No I'm good. I don't eat sweets."
My uncle got mad. He said, "Look at little Hollywood."
[crowd laughing]
[in singsong] "Look at little Hollywood."
"Are you too good to eat some goddamn sweets
with your fucking family?"
"Because you're Mr. Perfect. Give me one reason
why you can't eat no goddamn sweets with your fucking family."
"Why can't you enjoy dessert with your fucking family?"
I said, "I don't know.
Maybe because there's only a bunch of left feet under the table."
-"How about I start there? Huh?" -[crowd laughing]
Think about it. Think about it.
[Kevin chuckles]
You get it? It's a diabetes joke.
It's a… It's a diabetes joke.
So, in Black families, when they get diabetes,
the first thing they lose is their foot.
So I'm saying if you look under the table, it's only a bunch of left feet
'cause everybody's got their right foot cut off. You get it?
-Yeah? -[crowd laughing]
See, the beauty of the joke isn't the joke.
The joke is actually finding a white person
-that's confused after I say it. -[crowd laughing]
"The fuck are they cutting off this goddamn family's feet for?"
[chuckles]
She was so confused. "Wait, what? What?"
[crowd laughing]
I don't know if I can keep it, though.
I don't know if I can keep the joke
because my uncle… my uncle really does have one foot.
[crowd laughs]
He does. And I know I'mma have to see him again,
he's gonna have an attitude.
"Oh, you're a real funny nigga, ain't you, Kevin?"
[crowd laughing]
"You're a real funny nigga, ain't you, Kevin?"
"Give me one reason why I shouldn't come over there
and put my goddamn foot in your ass right now!"
[crowd laughing]
[chuckles]
He just got his leg cut off. It just happened.
I can tell that he hasn't fully processed it yet
'cause he still says a lot of two-legged shit. He does.
[crowd laughing]
He'd be slipping up.
The comedian in me can't let it slide. I can't fucking let it slide.
We were leaving the house the other day, we got in the car, pulled the car doors.
He was like, "Fuck, it's cold out here. Open the door."
"I'mma run and get my coat."
I said… [squeals]
[crowd laughing]
[squealing]
"You can hop in there and get your fucking coat."
"You ain't running nowhere."
-[crowd laughing] -[guffaws]
It's a great opportunity to make sure that you guys all understand
that I threw a lot of connectivity through the set.
I decided to title this set Acting My Age
'cause I wanted to draw attention back to the fucking important side of old age.
I feel like we're in a time now where everybody's trying to get younger.
Everybody's trying to turn back the hands of time.
-Nobody's celebrating the other side. -[man] Yeah!
Old age, let me tell you what it is.
It's the definition of life lived, experience, and wisdom.
Without those things, you don't have the W in life.
-That's the W in life. -[crowd cheering, clapping]
Also understand old age is a fucking blessing.
It's a… It's an unbelievable blessing 'cause you don't have to get there.
You don't have to get there.
So when you get to 50, 60, 70, 80,
understand, guys, that shit ain't promised.
You're one of the few, the fortunate, and the in-between.
So stand on a pedestal and celebrate your fucking life correctly
when you reach those monumental numbers, okay?
[crowd clapping, cheering]
And don't be afraid to stay in your lane.
When you get old as fuck, stay in your old-ass lane. Don't swerve.
-[crowd laughing] -Stop swerving.
That's how you get hurt. That's how I broke my dick. Swerving.
-Swerving. -[crowd laughing]
I had no business racing that man. No business.
Messed up my whole summer with that fucking race.
Threw my whole summer in the trash.
Me and my family were supposed to take vacations all summer.
We only took one vacation because I injured myself.
We went to Rwanda.
Wanted to take the family to Rwanda because I wanted a new experience.
Something that we could all hold on to.
Something that could give us a little goddamn culture. Right?
An understanding of another environment.
When we go on vacation, the word "no" never exists. We embrace it all.
As soon as we get to Rwanda, the first thing that's suggested,
they said, "You guys have to go gorilla trekking."
-"You have to go gorilla trekking." -[crowd murmuring]
For those of you here tonight who do not what gorilla trekking is,
I'll do my best to explain it to you.
Gorilla trekking is when you basically go to the jungle
and you discover what seems to be gorilla footprints,
only to follow those footprints to land you in a natural habitat
of real gorillas.
When they said it, I said, "Fuck it. I don't care. I'll do it."
The reason why is because, in my mind, I was like, "There has to be glass."
-Right? -[crowd laughing]
There has to be glass.
I've never been around gorillas and there hasn't been glass.
There has to be glass.
[crowd continues laughing]
They said, "Kevin, your younger kids can't go."
So it was me, my wife, and my two teenagers.
We're now with two other groups.
There's one white family of four,
and there's another white group of friends of four.
It's a total of 12 of us.
To get to the jungle, you gotta hike through the park.
The park turns into the jungle. This is a true story.
When we arrived at the jungle, soldiers joined us.
They got AK-47s, machine guns. They're wearing tactical gear.
They had the motherfucking handguns strapped to their legs.
Naturally, when I see this, I have questions.
-"Excuse me." -[crowd laughing]
"Excuse me. What's going on? Why are they here?"
"What's about to happen?"
He said, "Oh, they're here just in case the gorillas get out of line,
and we gotta put 'em down."
[crowd exclaiming, laughing]
"When you say-- Like, what do they do? Do they…"
"Do they smack the glass? What do they do? Do they--"
"Can they break the glass?"
[crowd laughing]
Nobody answers me, so I assume the things I'm saying are correct.
We're now joined by a tour guide. Tour guide's name was Antoine.
Antoine is a man that has dedicated his life
to understanding gorillas.
He knows gorillas inside and out, top to bottom.
Antoine is a Black man that I do not want white people to find out about.
Antoine was the closest thing
to a human gorilla I've ever seen in my fucking life.
Now, when I say it, it sounds crazy at first, but I'll explain why.
Antoine was responsible
for telling us what we need to do when we encounter the actual gorilla.
This is Antoine's exact words. This is exactly what he said to us.
He goes, "Okay, listen up."
"Rule number one…"
"Rule number one. You must not look the gorilla in the eye."
"If the gorilla looks at you, you look down. You submit."
"You submit to the gorilla because you have no power."
"The gorilla has the power. You have no power."
"You are powerless compared to the gorilla. You look down."
"Show the gorilla that he has the power and that you have no power."
-[crowd laughing] -"You are powerless."
[crowd continues laughing]
"Rule number two."
"You must become one with the gorilla."
"You must do what the gorilla does."
He starts morphing into a fucking gorilla in real time.
[crowd laughing]
[imitating gorilla]
I can't believe what the fuck I'm witnessing right now.
I'm getting irritated 'cause this Black man is acting like a gorilla
in front of these fucking white people. I'm getting pissed.
And the white people were taking notes. They were writing shit down.
I got mad. I said, "Bitch, what the fuck you writing down?"
She shushed me. "Shh. Pay attention."
"Bitch, I'll knock your ass out. Don't tell me to pay attention."
"What the fuck are you writing down in that book?" Antoine keeps going…
[imitating gorilla]
He's jumping up and down, smacking the ground.
Pow! Pow!
When he gets done, he looks at my son. He goes, "Now you try."
[crowd laughing]
I said… I said, "He will do no such fucking thing!"
[crowd laughing, clapping]
"I'm not about to have my son acting like no goddamn gorilla
in front of these white people, so you can fuck up his life
like they did them Jordan boys."
"You're not gonna do that to my goddamn son."
"You're not gonna do that to my goddamn son!"
He said, "Suit yourself."
"Suit yourself."
He runs to a tree, bites the bark off the tree.
[growling]
He starts licking the sugar underneath. [growling]
He says, "The gorillas love sugar. You, too, must love sugar."
He grabs a scoop of eucalyptus out of the bushes.
He starts rubbing eucalyptus all over his body.
He says, "The gorillas love the smell of eucalyptus."
"You, too, must smell like eucalyptus."
"Now, we trek."
He takes off, runs in the fucking jungle.
[crowd laughing]
Fuck!
Because we've gotta follow him. We gotta fucking follow him.
We're trekking in the jungle. Hand on the Bible. This is a true story.
Fifteen, twenty minutes into the trek, he stops. He goes, "Stop."
His exact words…
-[in deep voice] "They're here." -[crowd laughing loudly]
[laughing continues]
I said… [gasping]
"Where's the glass? Where do I get behind the glass?"
"Where's the glass?"
People, I turned to my goddamn left.
About seven to nine female gorillas come out the goddamn bushes.
They're on two legs. These motherfuckers are walking.
[chuckling] They are walking out.
I ain't never seen no shit like it. Immediately, I submitted.
I put my hand up.
I hit the ground. I submit.
I submit.
Antoine tried to pick me up. He said, "Kevin, get up, get up, get up."
I said, "No. Get the fuck off me. I have no power. They have the power."
"I have no power."
-"I am powerless. They have the power." -[crowd laughing]
I look this way, my wife, dumbass, has got the phone out with the flash on.
She's trying to get video. She's trying to get footage.
I hit her. "Bitch, get down."
"Get down. Submit."
"We have no power. They have the power. We are powerless."
Now it's like 15 of them. It's like fucking 15.
A whole goddamn family. A bunch of nieces, nephews, aunts, uncles.
These motherfuckers are walking around, and we're in the middle of this.
It's all happening so fast.
One of the gorillas touched my forehead.
He didn't hit me, but he pulled my forehead back,
and made my eyes open up wider than they ever have in my life. Like…
I had so much fucking white in my eyes.
And when I… When I did it, I could see the soldier.
The soldier is right here.
I said, "Shoot it! Like, what the fuck are you doing, man?"
"Shoot it!"
"This is clearly a fucking attack. It's an attack!"
[crowd laughing]
He's trying to fucking rip my forehead off.
I don't know what he's doing.
All the gorillas keep playing.
They're roughhousing the shit. We're watching it.
For no reason, they all get up at the same time.
They run in the jungle. Antoine stands up. He's so excited.
He goes, "Isn't it beautiful? Isn't it beautiful?"
"The life of the gorilla, live, in person."
"Now, we track the gorilla so we can see the way the gorilla lives."
"We follow the gorilla."
I said, "Fuck you, man. No."
[crowd laughing]
"I'm not following no fucking gorillas. No! I'm going back."
"Me and my family are going back, and I wanna take a soldier with me
that's not afraid to do his job, unlike this bitch."
"You're a bitch. Yes, you are."
"You're a bitch. He tried to rip my fucking forehead off!"
[crowd laughing]
He says, "Kevin, no. You must finish the trek."
"You must finish the trek."
I said, "No, I'm going back."
He goes, "Oh no. The boss." I said, "Good. I wanna talk to your fucking boss."
"I don't like the way you've treated us since we've been here."
Hand on the Bible, people. I turned to my left.
A real-life silverback gorilla appears from the same goddamn bushes.
Oh my God. When I say a real-life silverback gorilla,
I'm talking about a real nigga. All chest, no legs.
-All chest, no legs. -[crowd laughing]
This gorilla ain't ever did legs. All chest.
If a gorilla went to the penitentiary, he would look like this.
I ain't never seen no shit like this.
He came out, touched a tree. The tree just fell.
Bow! The tree's on the ground.
People, I can't believe
that I'm in arms distance of a real-life silverback gorilla.
I'm actually in awe of the fucking moment.
Everybody else is on the ground. Everybody else has submitted.
I'm the only one standing up, looking at the fucking silverback.
The only thing that snapped me out of it was my son.
My son tapped my leg twice.
[grunting] I turn around.
My son said…
[sobbing] "Bye, Dad." I said, "What the f…"
[crowd laughing, clapping]
"The fuck you mean, 'Bye, Dad'? What?" Oh my God.
Oh my God. It dawned on me.
I'm breaking rule number one.
Rule number one was, "Do not look the silverback in the eye."
I'm looking this silverback dead in the fucking eye.
Now I'm scared.
I'm scared. I don't know what to fucking do.
So I turn and talk to Antoine, so Antoine can tell me what to do.
When I turn around to talk to Antoine, Antoine was gone.
-Antoine… -[crowd laughing]
Antoine was running with the best form I've ever seen in my fucking life.
He had his fingers closed up to perfection.
This motherfucker was hitting that bitch.
[crowd laughing, clapping]
He was chopping that wind like a piece of cake. You hear me?
[crowd continues laughing]
At this point, I don't know what to do. At this point, it is what it is.
I'm looking at the silverback. Silverback's looking at me.
Let me tell you something. I've never been a bitch.
I'm not gonna start being a bitch today. It is what the fuck it is.
While I'm looking at the silverback, he decided to bang on me. He said…
[imitating thumping]
Let me tell you what this means.
When a silverback hits their chest,
that's the way they let you know how strong they are.
That's how they gauge who's stronger before they fight.
Here's another piece of information. When silverbacks fight,
whichever silverback loses the fight, loses everything.
You lose your wife and your kids.
You lose a fight as a silverback, you gotta walk in the jungle with nothing.
You gotta figure fucking life out. You don't have anything. Right?
That's why he had so many kids and all of them goddamn wives.
He done whooped that many silverbacks ass. He done did it.
Now this is a question. It's a question for y'all.
Don't answer it now. Answer later on your own time.
Is that really a loss? Like, if we fight… Right? Listen.
If we fight and I lose, you're saying that you gotta take my wife and my kids,
and you go that way, and I get to go this way for free.
-Is that what you're saying? -[crowd laughing]
'Cause it doesn't sound like a loss.
Okay. So, I'm looking at the silverback. He's looking at me.
It is what the fuck it is. I'm like, okay. I'm not gonna bang on my chest back.
If I do, he's gonna know I'm a bitch. I'm not about to do that.
So I did what any other man would do if they were in my shoes.
There's not a man in this room that wouldn't have done exactly what I did
if you were in my position.
I looked that silverback dead in the eye, and I did everything Antoine said. I said…
-[imitating gorilla] -[crowd laughing]
I jumped up. I smacked the ground.
I ran to the tree. I bit the bark off.
I grabbed the eucalyptus, rubbed it in my ass.
The only reason why I'm telling you all of this is because I know for a fact
them white people taped the whole thing. They got it all on tape.
It's a matter of time before this shit hits the Internet,
but I wanted y'all to hear it from me first.
So you understand that I did
what the fuck I had to do to save my family,
and I learned a valuable lesson that day.
And that lesson that I learned is that I should've took the other dick pill.
I should've went with the Silverback 45 Pro.
It's a stronger dick pill. And, Miami, you guys are a strong crowd.
-Thank you so much for joining me. -[crowd cheering]
My name is Kevin Hart, and I love you. Good night.
[theme music playing]
[inaudible]
[choir singing]
[inaudible]
[music crescendos]
[music fades]