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Downloaded from
YTS.BZ
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.BZ
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- [crowd cheering, applauding]
- [upbeat electronic music playing]
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[dramatic music sting]
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{\an8}Hey, this is Redban coming to you live
from the Moody Center
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{\an8}here in Austin, Texas,
for a brand-new episode of Kill Tony.
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Give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe!
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- [crowd cheering]
- [upbeat music playing on stage]
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Who's ready for the best fucking night
of their lives, huh?
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[crowd cheering]
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[cheers]
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- Brian Redban, ladies and gentlemen.
- What's up?
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- [music concludes]
- And how about one more time
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for the best damn band
in all the land, huh?
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{\an8}- [crowd cheering, applauding]
- Oh, my God.
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{\an8}Here we are, another day at the office.
How the fuck are we doing, Austin, Texas?
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[crowd cheering, applauding]
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Oh. It feels good to be home.
How exciting is this?
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What a damn show we have ahead of you.
We're gonna have a blast tonight.
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How many of you traveled
from a faraway land to be here tonight?
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[crowd cheering, applauding]
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Welcome, welcome.
How many of you live in Austin, Texas?
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[crowd cheering, applauding]
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Look at that. A booming economy here,
as always, in Austin.
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We're gonna have
so much goddamn fun tonight.
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We have no ads, no sponsors.
We are on Netflix tonight, everybody.
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[crowd cheering, applauding]
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[Tony] How exciting.
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You know,
I think we just roll right into it.
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I don't see any reason why we should wait.
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We have a lot of show to get to tonight,
so let's get it started with a bang.
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I'm gonna bring up
your first panelist, everybody.
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[crowd cheering]
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One of the best in the world,
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the most watched
Netflix special of the year,
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make some noise for Fluffy,
Gabriel Iglesias, ladies and gentlemen.
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- [upbeat music playing]
- [Tony] Here we fucking go.
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[crowd cheering]
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[Tony cheers]
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{\an8}The man is back.
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You know him. You love him.
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- Texas's own Fluffy, everybody.
- What's up, Austin?
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- [crowd cheering, applauding]
- [music concludes]
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I love it.
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- Fluffy, welcome back. How we doing?
- Thank you, Tony.
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This is awesome, man.
Happy New Year, everybody.
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[crowd cheering, applauding]
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Fluffy, this is a wild show tonight,
and it's a very, very special one.
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And you're gonna get it started.
Just us. Just the three of us.
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- Me, you, and Redban.
- ♪ Just the three of us ♪
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- And we have something--
- That's pretty good, huh?
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You didn't know that.
"Oh, my God. He can sing."
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- When I'm drunk.
- You have a sweet voice and soft feet.
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I remember those soft feet
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- from last time you were on.
- [crowd laughing]
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I'm gonna make
a special announcement, everybody.
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For those of you that are die-hard fans
of the show, you may know that
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only at Madison Square Garden
have we ever had a Legends bucket,
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but here it is with us tonight,
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for the first time ever,
outside of New York City.
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- [crowd cheering, applauding]
- I was able to secure it,
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and I'm gonna pull
out of the Legends bucket,
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and we're going to get a short set
from one of the greatest comedians
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in Kill Tony history,
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and then they are going to join the panel.
Sound like a deal?
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[crowd cheering]
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Well, let's get it started.
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Ladies and gentlemen,
your first legend tonight,
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oh my God,
make some fucking noise,
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only literally the GOAT,
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Roseanne Barr, everybody. Here we go.
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- [crowd cheering, applauding]
- [upbeat jazz music playing]
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[music concludes]
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{\an8}Hi, Tony. Hi.
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{\an8}[crowd cheering]
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{\an8}Hi, Austin, Texas!
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[crowd cheering]
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Fuck yeah, Texas! Fuck yeah, Texas!
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I moved here three-and-a-half years ago.
I love Texas so much.
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You can walk around
anywheres wearing a gun,
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and you can shoot anything or anybody
you fucking feel like shooting.
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- Hell yeah!
- [crowd cheering, applauding]
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I love it here.
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[crowd member] I love you, Roseanne!
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I love you.
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Thank you, Tony,
for inviting me to do three minutes,
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which I haven't done
for a long, long time.
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But I didn't even know if anybody
remembered me anymore, you know?
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[crowd cheering, applauding]
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Thank you all so much.
'Cause, like, when I go out,
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people oftentimes will confuse me
for Rosie O'Donnell.
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- I don't know why, but...
- [crowd laughing, jeering]
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...now it happens quite frequent.
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You know, it's upsetting to me too.
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They'll go,
"Hey, Rosie, you cutie patootie."
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"Hey, Rosie, we miss you there
on The View."
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[crowd laughing]
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"Hey, Rosie, you're right.
Fuck Trump. He is a fascist."
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[scattered cheering]
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Kind of bums me out, you know?
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I'm like, "Hey, I'm not the one whose kid
is a crack whore in prison there."
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[crowd laughing]
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[crowd cheering, applauding]
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For hell's sake. I support Trump.
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[crowd cheering, applauding]
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I'm the one that likes dick.
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[crowd cheering, applauding]
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I've always liked dick.
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[crowd cheering, laughing]
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All kinds of dick.
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[crowd cheering]
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I've had about every kind of dick
you can have and I liked it all.
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I'm a big fan of dick.
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No problem with that.
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It was the, you know,
stuff around it that I had problems with.
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The other parts of the body
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that kept the stem cell alive there,
had problems with that.
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Some say I gave up too much for dick.
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[crowd chuckling]
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Three divorces, went broke.
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Perhaps I loved too much,
you know what I mean?
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[sighs heavily]
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I'm kind of proof that you can suck
and fuck your way to the bottom.
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[crowd laughing, applauding]
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And I can't wait to do it all again,
ladies and gentlemen.
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[crowd cheering, applauding]
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God bless America and Kill Tony.
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Roseanne Barr, ladies and gentlemen.
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- [bass drum beating]
- Roseanne, get over here. Join us.
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[crowd cheering, applauding]
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Roseanne Barr, everybody.
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Roseanne, multiple-time guest on the show,
legend, one of the greatest of all time.
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You know how the show works.
I pre-pulled a name.
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How about one more time
for Roseanne, everybody?
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[crowd cheering, applauding]
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I pre-pull the name
out of the normal bucket.
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You guys know how it works.
They get 60 seconds uninterrupted.
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You know their time is up
when you hear the sound of a kitten.
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- [meow sound effect plays]
- That means they have to wrap it up then
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or else they bring out
the angry West Hollywood bear.
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[roar sound effect plays]
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And that's the gist of it.
I interview them after that.
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They get to talk to our esteemed panel.
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You guys ready to start
tonight's fucking show?
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[crowd cheering]
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And why not start
with the absolute newest regular
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in the Kill Tony universe?
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Ladies and gentlemen,
the Dark Storm of Atlanta is here.
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- This is the arena debut of Dedrick Flynn.
- [funky upbeat music playing]
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[crowd cheering, applauding]
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[music concludes]
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Dedrick!
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{\an8}Oh, man.
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{\an8}Y'all, I had to take a plane
from Atlanta, Georgia
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to Provo, Utah, to go...
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- It wasn't a good experience, uh...
- [crowd chuckling]
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...because the only flight
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leaving out of Atlanta to Utah
only left at five o'clock in the morning
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'cause they don't want people
from Atlanta going there.
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[crowd laughing]
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And so, I called my Uber
at three o'clock in the morning
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and it take him an hour to get there
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'cause he keep going
like a weird, like, way.
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- And I wanted to cancel the Uber.
- [crowd cheering]
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I wanted to cancel the Uber,
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but he kept accepting it back
every time I request a new driver.
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[crowd laughing]
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So, he finally come pick me up.
We start driving to the airport.
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And when we get on the interstate,
he gets pulled over by six officers.
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And they're like,
"Get down on the ground now."
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And I'm crying 'cause I'm high.
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- [meow sound effect plays]
- [crowd laughing]
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And I'm sitting over there.
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And I was like, "I need to go
to my flight." He said, "Okay, go."
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But I can't call another Uber
from the interstate.
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And I'm chilling.
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And I'm so panicking right now.
I'm so sorry, y'all. [chuckles]
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[crowd cheering, applauding]
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[Dedrick] I'm so sorry. [laughs]
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So, I tried to call a--
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You can't call an Uber
from the interstate.
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So, I looked at one of the cops.
I was like, "Can y'all drop me off?"
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And then he said, "Yes."
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But that nigga didn't let me sit
in the front seat.
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- He made me get in the back.
- [crowd laughing]
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00:10:45,562 --> 00:10:48,815
- I wanted to play with the laptop, but...
- [crowd laughing]
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He turned on the sirens,
he fly down there,
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we get to the airport.
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I can't get out 'cause I'm in the back,
so he got to come open my door up.
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Then he tried to help me with my baggage,
and I made eye contact
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00:11:01,619 --> 00:11:04,289
with 20 Black people
shaking their head like this at me.
192
00:11:04,372 --> 00:11:05,748
[crowd laughing]
193
00:11:05,832 --> 00:11:09,043
'Cause I look like
an Olympic gold medal snitch.
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00:11:09,127 --> 00:11:11,045
[crowd laughing]
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00:11:11,129 --> 00:11:14,215
And then right before I walk
into the airport after being ashamed,
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00:11:14,299 --> 00:11:17,343
he going to get on his intercom and go,
"Have a safe flight."
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00:11:17,427 --> 00:11:19,762
- Shut the fuck up!
- [crowd laughing]
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00:11:19,846 --> 00:11:22,599
Do your job.
All right, y'all, that's my time.
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00:11:22,682 --> 00:11:27,103
- There he is. Dedrick Flynn.
- [crowd cheering, applauding]
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00:11:27,937 --> 00:11:33,318
With his arena debut, his Netflix debut,
heart beating out of his chest.
201
00:11:33,401 --> 00:11:38,740
[crowd cheering, applauding]
202
00:11:44,787 --> 00:11:46,915
- That was awesome. That was awesome.
- [Tony] Yeah.
203
00:11:46,998 --> 00:11:49,417
Incredible energy, incredible confidence.
204
00:11:49,500 --> 00:11:54,088
I don't have to say anything.
They speak for everyone. You guys.
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00:11:54,172 --> 00:11:56,925
- [crowd cheering, applauding]
- [Gabriel] Great job, man.
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00:11:58,301 --> 00:11:59,385
Great job.
207
00:12:00,887 --> 00:12:01,888
That was beautiful.
208
00:12:03,181 --> 00:12:04,390
That was beautiful, man.
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00:12:06,351 --> 00:12:07,310
Thank you so much, man.
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00:12:07,393 --> 00:12:09,229
I've been waiting to meet you
my whole life, dawg.
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00:12:09,312 --> 00:12:10,563
- Hey.
- [Gabriel laughs]
212
00:12:10,647 --> 00:12:14,234
I got so many bootleg DVDs
of your comedy stuff.
213
00:12:14,317 --> 00:12:15,401
[crowd laughing]
214
00:12:15,485 --> 00:12:17,445
I was getting my hair cut,
like, "You got that new Fluffy?"
215
00:12:17,528 --> 00:12:19,822
"Let me get that." That was... [chuckles]
216
00:12:20,740 --> 00:12:25,745
Dedrick Flynn, you're in your hometown
of Austin, Texas right now.
217
00:12:25,828 --> 00:12:29,082
[crowd cheering, applauding]
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00:12:31,417 --> 00:12:32,502
He stayed focused.
219
00:12:32,585 --> 00:12:34,754
He had incredible energy
coming out the gate.
220
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I was connected
from the second you walked out.
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That was a wonderful story.
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00:12:39,217 --> 00:12:43,388
You got good energy and great personality,
and you're very real.
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00:12:43,471 --> 00:12:45,056
- [Dedrick] I appreciate that.
- It... It does-- [hesitates]
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00:12:45,139 --> 00:12:48,851
Man, hey, those emotions,
it's a beautiful thing.
225
00:12:48,935 --> 00:12:52,063
This is a powerful thing
that you just overcame.
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00:12:52,605 --> 00:12:54,565
So, I don't know,
how long have you been doing comedy?
227
00:12:54,649 --> 00:12:58,111
- A little over 12 years.
- [Gabriel] Man, and it shows.
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00:12:58,987 --> 00:13:01,447
- And it shows.
- Goddamn!
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00:13:01,531 --> 00:13:03,157
[crowd cheering, applauding]
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00:13:03,241 --> 00:13:05,076
Bitch, I'm on Netflix!
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00:13:06,035 --> 00:13:07,328
Hell yeah.
232
00:13:08,830 --> 00:13:13,042
All right, the real question is,
how much did you pay for those bootlegs?
233
00:13:13,126 --> 00:13:15,295
- [speaks indistinctly]
- [crowd laughing]
234
00:13:15,378 --> 00:13:16,713
I wanna know what
the going rate was back then.
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00:13:16,796 --> 00:13:19,007
So the ones that was blue
on the bottom was ten dollars,
236
00:13:19,090 --> 00:13:21,050
and the ones that scratch up all the time
237
00:13:21,134 --> 00:13:23,177
- was five.
- Hey, man. [laughs]
238
00:13:23,261 --> 00:13:25,221
- So I owe you some money, I think.
- Nice.
239
00:13:25,305 --> 00:13:27,640
- [Tony laughs]
- [Dedrick] You got Cash App?
240
00:13:27,724 --> 00:13:31,019
[crowd laughing]
241
00:13:31,102 --> 00:13:35,982
Dedrick, your life has done a complete
180 in the past couple months.
242
00:13:36,065 --> 00:13:39,110
You're the newest regular on this show.
Tell us about that.
243
00:13:39,193 --> 00:13:40,153
[crowd cheering]
244
00:13:40,236 --> 00:13:42,363
How have things changed?
We've heard you rap.
245
00:13:42,447 --> 00:13:44,866
We've seen you get a new grill, but--
246
00:13:44,949 --> 00:13:46,284
Oh, yeah, let me put the top in.
247
00:13:46,367 --> 00:13:47,952
[Tony] No, no, no,
you don't need to do that.
248
00:13:48,036 --> 00:13:49,829
- Let me put it, let me put it...
- You really--
249
00:13:49,912 --> 00:13:51,831
Where I put it at? Where I put it at?
250
00:13:51,914 --> 00:13:53,416
Roseanne, you so pretty.
251
00:13:53,499 --> 00:13:55,543
- [Roseanne] Thank you.
- You... [laughs]
252
00:13:55,626 --> 00:13:58,963
- Thank you. You know, is this on?
- [crowd member] Yes!
253
00:13:59,047 --> 00:14:03,426
I was gonna say
that was some brilliant shit that I heard,
254
00:14:03,509 --> 00:14:07,972
that was roundabout, convoluted,
back, forth, and up and down.
255
00:14:08,056 --> 00:14:15,021
That was some poetic, hilarious narrative
that I've never heard before.
256
00:14:15,104 --> 00:14:18,191
And I was blown away by you. I love you.
257
00:14:18,274 --> 00:14:21,194
- Oh, my God, I'm talking to Roseanne Barr.
- Right.
258
00:14:21,277 --> 00:14:23,946
[crowd cheering, applauding]
259
00:14:24,030 --> 00:14:25,198
I love you.
260
00:14:25,907 --> 00:14:31,162
I'm from Georgia, so we watched you
on TBS every Sunday,
261
00:14:31,245 --> 00:14:34,290
right after we watch Gunsmoke,
and then we watch you.
262
00:14:35,792 --> 00:14:40,338
Well, you're just a brilliant comic,
honey, and you're gonna go far.
263
00:14:40,880 --> 00:14:46,260
- Oh.
- [crowd cheering, applauding]
264
00:14:48,096 --> 00:14:50,056
- [crowd member cheers]
- [exhales deeply]
265
00:14:51,099 --> 00:14:54,852
- [Tony] Dedrick, I talked to your mom.
- [crowd cheering, applauding]
266
00:14:54,936 --> 00:14:56,437
[Tony] All right, there's gold teeth.
267
00:14:56,521 --> 00:14:59,273
- [laughs]
- [crowd laughing]
268
00:14:59,357 --> 00:15:01,192
- [Tony] For those of you--
- Kill Tony, dawg.
269
00:15:01,275 --> 00:15:03,403
[laughs] I'm sorry.
270
00:15:03,486 --> 00:15:05,238
For those of you that just flipped over
271
00:15:05,321 --> 00:15:08,116
from whatever Tyler Perry movie's
on Netflix...
272
00:15:08,199 --> 00:15:10,284
- [crowd laughing]
- ...that is indeed
273
00:15:10,368 --> 00:15:12,912
the Dark Storm of Atlanta, Dedrick Flynn.
274
00:15:12,995 --> 00:15:16,416
I've talked to your mom.
I've never asked you, is dad in your life?
275
00:15:16,499 --> 00:15:19,460
You did.
I told you my dad was dead the first time.
276
00:15:19,544 --> 00:15:22,380
- [Tony] Oh! Okay, perfect.
- [crowd laughing]
277
00:15:22,463 --> 00:15:24,006
Is-- But he here now.
278
00:15:24,090 --> 00:15:25,550
You know what I'm saying?
He in the building.
279
00:15:25,633 --> 00:15:26,926
- My mom couldn't make it.
- He is.
280
00:15:27,009 --> 00:15:28,553
- My dad is in here.
- [Tony] He is.
281
00:15:28,636 --> 00:15:32,932
- [crowd cheering, applauding]
- I believe he's in catering right now.
282
00:15:33,015 --> 00:15:34,559
- [laughs]
- [crowd laughing]
283
00:15:34,642 --> 00:15:36,936
- [laughs]
- D Madness said
284
00:15:37,019 --> 00:15:38,938
he can see my dad when he in the room.
285
00:15:39,021 --> 00:15:41,941
- [Tony laughs]
- [crowd laughing]
286
00:15:42,024 --> 00:15:45,111
[Tony] Dedrick, you are the man.
You did it again.
287
00:15:45,194 --> 00:15:48,531
Everybody loves you.
Welcome to the Kill Tony family.
288
00:15:48,614 --> 00:15:53,202
- His arena debut. His Netflix debut.
- I love y'all!
289
00:15:53,286 --> 00:15:56,456
The American Dream, Dedrick Flynn.
290
00:15:56,539 --> 00:16:02,253
- [groovy music playing]
- [crowd cheering, applauding]
291
00:16:02,879 --> 00:16:05,131
All right, we're going
to a normal bucket pull.
292
00:16:05,214 --> 00:16:07,967
One more time before we get back
to the Legends bucket.
293
00:16:08,050 --> 00:16:13,473
It's a one-word name.
Make some noise for Yang, everyone. Yang.
294
00:16:13,556 --> 00:16:18,060
[crowd cheering, applauding]
295
00:16:19,645 --> 00:16:22,690
[music concludes]
296
00:16:23,232 --> 00:16:26,736
Hello, my name is Yang. I'm Asian.
297
00:16:26,819 --> 00:16:29,405
[crowd cheering, chuckling]
298
00:16:29,489 --> 00:16:31,616
My pronouns are su/shi.
299
00:16:31,699 --> 00:16:34,118
[crowd laughing]
300
00:16:34,202 --> 00:16:35,453
And dim sum.
301
00:16:35,536 --> 00:16:37,455
[crowd laughing]
302
00:16:38,080 --> 00:16:41,792
- I'm a musician. Yeah.
- [crowd cheering, applauding]
303
00:16:41,876 --> 00:16:43,836
My stage name is Lil Ming.
304
00:16:43,920 --> 00:16:45,838
[crowd chuckling]
305
00:16:45,922 --> 00:16:48,174
AKA Yellow Haitian 2000.
306
00:16:49,884 --> 00:16:52,553
My MBTI is IDGAF.
307
00:16:54,472 --> 00:16:56,057
I like buying shoes.
308
00:16:57,141 --> 00:16:58,809
And making shoes.
309
00:16:58,893 --> 00:17:01,521
[crowd laughing]
310
00:17:01,604 --> 00:17:04,023
I'm just here to share good news with you.
311
00:17:04,106 --> 00:17:06,859
I just got
my nail technician certification.
312
00:17:06,943 --> 00:17:09,987
[crowd cheering, applauding]
313
00:17:10,071 --> 00:17:11,906
Chill, I'm just joking. [chuckles]
314
00:17:11,989 --> 00:17:13,491
[crowd laughing]
315
00:17:13,574 --> 00:17:15,368
Do I look like I do nail?
316
00:17:15,451 --> 00:17:17,078
[crowd laughing]
317
00:17:17,161 --> 00:17:19,163
- Thank you, I'm Yang.
- [crowd cheering, applauding]
318
00:17:19,247 --> 00:17:22,333
Fifty-five seconds from Yang.
319
00:17:22,875 --> 00:17:25,586
It's spelled like Yang,
but it's pronounced "Young."
320
00:17:25,670 --> 00:17:28,297
- Yeah, it's with a G, so "Young."
- [Tony] Yeah, I got it.
321
00:17:28,381 --> 00:17:32,176
You said you were Asian and young,
and Redban came in his pants.
322
00:17:32,260 --> 00:17:34,053
- So, very exciting.
- [crowd laughing]
323
00:17:34,136 --> 00:17:37,056
I have good news for you.
You're definitely doing every secret show
324
00:17:37,139 --> 00:17:38,724
- at the Sunset Strip Comedy Club...
- Yeah.
325
00:17:38,808 --> 00:17:39,892
...for the rest of eternity.
326
00:17:39,976 --> 00:17:42,770
Tonight, at the Residence Inn
around 1:00 a.m. if you want to go.
327
00:17:42,853 --> 00:17:46,983
Wow. He's doing a comedy show
at the Residence Inn, everybody.
328
00:17:47,066 --> 00:17:49,569
- He's really spending some of that money.
- Hell yeah.
329
00:17:49,652 --> 00:17:51,153
[laughs]
330
00:17:51,237 --> 00:17:53,155
How long you been doing stand-up, Yang?
331
00:17:53,239 --> 00:17:55,491
- About three, four years. Yeah.
- [Tony] Where at?
332
00:17:55,575 --> 00:17:57,785
- Uh, Tampa, Florida. Yeah.
- [Tony] Okay.
333
00:17:57,868 --> 00:18:00,538
- [crowd cheering]
- And you came here just for this?
334
00:18:00,621 --> 00:18:02,206
- I'm sorry?
- What are you doing in Austin?
335
00:18:02,290 --> 00:18:04,083
Just signing up for this?
Is that the goal?
336
00:18:04,166 --> 00:18:07,628
- Yeah, just for this, yeah.
- Look at you, very lucky.
337
00:18:07,712 --> 00:18:09,505
- Yeah, I--
- You people are very lucky.
338
00:18:09,589 --> 00:18:11,173
- [imitating traditional East Asian music]
- I'm sorry?
339
00:18:11,257 --> 00:18:13,593
- You people are very lucky.
- [crowd laughing]
340
00:18:13,676 --> 00:18:15,469
- I'm very lucky?
- [Tony, imitating accent] You're lucky.
341
00:18:15,553 --> 00:18:17,513
- Thank you, yeah.
- [crowd laughing]
342
00:18:17,597 --> 00:18:19,724
[Gabriel] The more you say it,
the more racist you sound.
343
00:18:19,807 --> 00:18:23,019
- [crowd laughing]
- [over speakers] "Me sucky sucky."
344
00:18:23,102 --> 00:18:24,979
I thought you did an incredible job.
345
00:18:25,062 --> 00:18:27,189
- Thank you. Thank you, Fluffy.
- You walked out very confident.
346
00:18:27,273 --> 00:18:29,400
You took a chance,
and I think it paid off.
347
00:18:29,483 --> 00:18:31,027
- Didn't it pay off?
- [Tony] Yeah.
348
00:18:31,110 --> 00:18:34,363
[crowd cheering, applauding]
349
00:18:34,447 --> 00:18:37,450
I mean,
it was an absolutely fantastic set,
350
00:18:37,533 --> 00:18:41,954
and we have the greatest female
stand-up comedian of all time here
351
00:18:42,038 --> 00:18:45,458
- to give you some feedback.
- [Yang] Sure. Thank you.
352
00:18:46,167 --> 00:18:50,630
Yeah, you had it like
really tight and fast.
353
00:18:50,713 --> 00:18:51,881
- It was good.
- Definitely tight.
354
00:18:51,964 --> 00:18:54,759
I wasn't sure what you were talking about,
but I'm glad you clarified that.
355
00:18:54,842 --> 00:18:56,218
- [crowd laughing]
- Redban.
356
00:18:56,302 --> 00:18:59,930
Yeah, I mean, it was like boom,
boom, boom, boom, boom,
357
00:19:00,014 --> 00:19:03,726
so you could tell you've been...
God, you've got a dirty mind.
358
00:19:03,809 --> 00:19:04,894
- You really do.
- I'm sorry.
359
00:19:04,977 --> 00:19:07,521
You're saying "boom, boom, boom"
after saying she had it really tight.
360
00:19:07,605 --> 00:19:10,066
What am I supposed to think? Sorry.
361
00:19:10,149 --> 00:19:12,818
- That's comedian talk.
- Yeah, it is.
362
00:19:12,902 --> 00:19:16,697
I think you're a good comic,
but here's what I really wanna know.
363
00:19:16,781 --> 00:19:18,240
What do you eat?
364
00:19:18,324 --> 00:19:20,159
- [laughs]
- [crowd laughing]
365
00:19:20,242 --> 00:19:21,702
A lot of sushi. [chuckles]
366
00:19:22,870 --> 00:19:25,206
[Roseanne] I mean,
what do you eat in a day?
367
00:19:25,289 --> 00:19:29,377
What do I eat during the day?
A lot of people ask me that
368
00:19:29,460 --> 00:19:33,130
because American women
are not as skinny as me, so...
369
00:19:33,214 --> 00:19:35,591
- [crowd laughing]
- [chuckles]
370
00:19:35,675 --> 00:19:39,011
It's okay, it's okay.
We need to get on diet, you know?
371
00:19:39,095 --> 00:19:41,972
We need to get back
on the fat-shaming in this country.
372
00:19:42,056 --> 00:19:44,392
- [laughs]
- [crowd laughing]
373
00:19:44,475 --> 00:19:45,559
Thank you. [chuckles]
374
00:19:46,143 --> 00:19:50,356
Bring that back, bring that back, okay?
It's gonna help. [chuckles]
375
00:19:51,649 --> 00:19:54,735
Yang, you are so talented.
It is incredible.
376
00:19:54,819 --> 00:19:56,987
Do you do this for a living?
What do you do?
377
00:19:57,071 --> 00:19:59,782
- How do you make money?
- I drive Uber. [chuckles]
378
00:19:59,865 --> 00:20:02,451
- [Tony] You drive Uber?
- Yeah, I do. I...
379
00:20:02,535 --> 00:20:04,787
I actually took a 2,000 loan
380
00:20:04,870 --> 00:20:07,373
- to come here because I...
- [car crash sound effect plays]
381
00:20:07,456 --> 00:20:11,127
- [crowd laughing]
- ...I couldn't drive during New Year's Eve,
382
00:20:11,210 --> 00:20:13,838
so I literally
almost go bankrupt coming here,
383
00:20:13,921 --> 00:20:16,549
- but I want to chase my dream here.
- [crowd cheering, applauding]
384
00:20:16,632 --> 00:20:19,927
- Well, you literally...
- Thank you.
385
00:20:20,010 --> 00:20:23,222
It couldn't have gone any better.
A perfect spot.
386
00:20:23,305 --> 00:20:26,976
You're on Netflix.
You're in an arena right now.
387
00:20:27,059 --> 00:20:29,478
- How do you feel? Good?
- I...
388
00:20:29,979 --> 00:20:33,774
Incredible. I mean,
this is what I need. I'm...
389
00:20:33,858 --> 00:20:35,609
I don't know if you have seen me online,
390
00:20:35,693 --> 00:20:39,238
but I do have 30,000 followers
on Instagram and...
391
00:20:39,321 --> 00:20:40,364
[crowd cheering]
392
00:20:40,448 --> 00:20:43,784
...I just need this opportunity
to have people know me and...
393
00:20:44,452 --> 00:20:48,080
I really appreciate you having this show
and giving people this opportunity
394
00:20:48,164 --> 00:20:49,165
and I love it.
395
00:20:49,248 --> 00:20:51,500
- [crowd cheering, applauding]
- [Tony] Amazing.
396
00:20:51,584 --> 00:20:53,127
Amazing. You've said all the right things.
397
00:20:53,210 --> 00:20:56,088
- Redban is sweating bullets over here.
- Oh, yeah. I just--
398
00:20:56,172 --> 00:20:59,091
You have a very small face
and nice white skin.
399
00:20:59,175 --> 00:21:01,093
- I enjoy it.
- You look like you have problems
400
00:21:01,177 --> 00:21:05,347
- with your kidneys.
- [crowd laughing]
401
00:21:05,431 --> 00:21:07,099
[sustained bass chord]
402
00:21:07,183 --> 00:21:08,726
Ah. He does.
403
00:21:09,518 --> 00:21:11,896
Very good diagnosis.
404
00:21:12,646 --> 00:21:15,691
I can tell.
I've seen plenty of those. [chuckles]
405
00:21:15,775 --> 00:21:17,860
- [crowd laughing]
- [Tony laughs]
406
00:21:18,569 --> 00:21:22,156
You need to eat whatever she's eating.
You need to eat a pile of seaweed salad
407
00:21:22,239 --> 00:21:23,949
- or something.
- Oh. Thank God.
408
00:21:24,033 --> 00:21:26,577
I thought you were going
to say dick. [chuckles]
409
00:21:26,660 --> 00:21:29,038
[crowd laughing]
410
00:21:29,121 --> 00:21:34,627
This is... This is what I'm stuck
working with, every week of my life.
411
00:21:35,669 --> 00:21:39,298
- Yang, do you have a boyfriend?
- I'm looking for a boyfriend.
412
00:21:39,381 --> 00:21:41,801
Oh, my goodness.
What kind of guy are you into?
413
00:21:41,884 --> 00:21:43,302
Do you have a specific type?
414
00:21:43,385 --> 00:21:45,554
- I mean, you're cute. [chuckles]
- Oh, my goodness.
415
00:21:45,638 --> 00:21:48,098
- [crowd laughing, applauding]
- [Tony] Whoa.
416
00:21:48,182 --> 00:21:49,183
Wow.
417
00:21:50,017 --> 00:21:53,354
Do you like Asian?
I've never heard you are with an Asian.
418
00:21:53,437 --> 00:21:55,397
[Tony]
Redban is the Asian specialist here.
419
00:21:55,481 --> 00:21:57,775
- This is as good as it's gonna get.
- Okay, I guess no then.
420
00:21:57,858 --> 00:21:59,568
That's a good rejection as...
421
00:21:59,652 --> 00:22:01,946
I have one here
if you wanna hook up with her.
422
00:22:02,029 --> 00:22:05,866
- And you know like we could all--
- Shut the fuck up.
423
00:22:05,950 --> 00:22:08,369
[crowd laughing]
424
00:22:08,452 --> 00:22:11,497
No, I don't think you have the parts
that I'm into, Yang.
425
00:22:11,580 --> 00:22:13,916
- [crowd laughing]
- You know what I'm saying?
426
00:22:13,999 --> 00:22:15,417
- What?
- What kind of Asian are you?
427
00:22:15,501 --> 00:22:17,545
- Are you Thai?
- Uh...
428
00:22:17,628 --> 00:22:19,547
[imitates Donald Trump]
I'm from China... China.
429
00:22:19,630 --> 00:22:21,632
I love China. It's a great country.
430
00:22:21,715 --> 00:22:23,968
- [Tony laughs]
- [crowd laughing]
431
00:22:24,051 --> 00:22:27,763
[crowd cheering, applauding]
432
00:22:27,847 --> 00:22:29,849
Excuse me, I'm talking. Excuse me.
433
00:22:29,932 --> 00:22:32,476
[crowd laughing]
434
00:22:32,560 --> 00:22:35,437
I'm building a huge ballroom
in the White House because--
435
00:22:37,439 --> 00:22:41,235
I got big balls and big hands. Big hands.
436
00:22:43,112 --> 00:22:45,948
And we're not gonna pay for it.
China, China's gonna pay for it.
437
00:22:46,031 --> 00:22:49,159
[crowd laughing]
438
00:22:49,243 --> 00:22:54,957
[crowd cheering, applauding]
439
00:23:00,087 --> 00:23:02,882
Excuse me. Fake news, fake news.
440
00:23:03,632 --> 00:23:05,968
China's gonna pay
for it with fentanyl tax,
441
00:23:06,051 --> 00:23:07,803
200% fentanyl tax.
442
00:23:07,887 --> 00:23:09,722
[crowd laughing]
443
00:23:09,805 --> 00:23:14,059
We're gonna make America great again.
Thank you. Make Kill Tony great again.
444
00:23:14,143 --> 00:23:16,186
[crowd cheering, applauding]
445
00:23:16,270 --> 00:23:19,023
I think you have made
Kill Tony great again, Yang.
446
00:23:19,106 --> 00:23:20,232
And you know what?
447
00:23:20,316 --> 00:23:24,403
Even though this is on Netflix
and in an arena, let's have some fun.
448
00:23:24,486 --> 00:23:27,615
You're the newest Golden Ticket winner
on the show.
449
00:23:27,698 --> 00:23:31,619
- [dramatic music playing]
- [crowd cheering, applauding]
450
00:23:31,702 --> 00:23:33,871
- [Tony] Wow.
- [music concludes]
451
00:23:33,954 --> 00:23:39,668
What a performance. Amazing.
Here's the big joke book. Boom! Got it.
452
00:23:41,378 --> 00:23:44,548
Thank you so much, Yang.
You absolutely nailed it.
453
00:23:44,632 --> 00:23:47,176
It could not have possibly
have gone any better.
454
00:23:47,259 --> 00:23:50,804
That is exactly what
the American-slash-Chinese dream
455
00:23:50,888 --> 00:23:52,097
is all about.
456
00:23:52,181 --> 00:23:55,434
You took a chance.
You spent your money. You came here.
457
00:23:55,517 --> 00:23:58,646
You could have absolutely not gotten
pulled out of the bucket at all.
458
00:23:58,729 --> 00:24:01,398
You did. You executed your jokes.
459
00:24:01,482 --> 00:24:05,069
You blasted
through the interview with calm,
460
00:24:05,152 --> 00:24:08,822
precision, and improvisation.
Amazing. You're exactly what
461
00:24:08,906 --> 00:24:10,449
- this show's all about. Congratulations.
- Thank you.
462
00:24:10,532 --> 00:24:14,244
- Ladies and gentlemen, a star is born.
- [crowd cheering, applauding]
463
00:24:14,328 --> 00:24:17,957
[groovy jazz music playing]
464
00:24:19,208 --> 00:24:21,669
[Tony] Ooh-la-la.
465
00:24:21,752 --> 00:24:24,797
I hear we have drinks on the way.
Is that true?
466
00:24:24,880 --> 00:24:26,173
Congratulations, Yang.
467
00:24:27,675 --> 00:24:31,428
Make some noise
for Heidi and Val, everybody.
468
00:24:31,512 --> 00:24:35,015
- That was awesome.
- We got drinks on the way.
469
00:24:35,099 --> 00:24:35,975
And I...
470
00:24:36,642 --> 00:24:40,604
And I do believe the drinks are--
Oh, here they are. Look at them.
471
00:24:42,022 --> 00:24:43,273
How exciting.
472
00:24:44,274 --> 00:24:46,568
Heidi and Val, everybody.
473
00:24:52,074 --> 00:24:52,992
A little something.
474
00:24:53,075 --> 00:24:55,452
I think Roseanne
wanted something. [laughs]
475
00:24:55,536 --> 00:24:57,413
- What do you want, Roseanne?
- [inaudible dialogue]
476
00:24:57,496 --> 00:24:59,623
Could we get a, uh... Can we get a...
477
00:24:59,707 --> 00:25:02,710
Can we get a water on the rocks
for Roseanne Barr?
478
00:25:02,793 --> 00:25:05,212
- And how about you?
- I'll take some tequila.
479
00:25:05,295 --> 00:25:07,256
- Can I drink with you guys?
- Hell yeah.
480
00:25:07,339 --> 00:25:08,465
- Yeah.
- [crowd cheering]
481
00:25:08,549 --> 00:25:11,051
It's New Year's, man.
That's the excuse I'm using tonight.
482
00:25:11,135 --> 00:25:12,136
No, yeah.
483
00:25:12,219 --> 00:25:15,472
Tony, can I say...
can I say out the gate, man,
484
00:25:15,556 --> 00:25:18,058
this show is incredibly stacked.
485
00:25:18,684 --> 00:25:20,602
I mean, everyone's been funny.
486
00:25:22,187 --> 00:25:23,731
- This is--
- What a way to end a year.
487
00:25:23,814 --> 00:25:25,482
- [Tony] Yeah.
- What a way to end a year.
488
00:25:25,566 --> 00:25:27,860
- [Tony] Well--
- In Austin, Texas!
489
00:25:27,943 --> 00:25:29,737
- [crowd cheering]
- [Tony] Well, I got news for you.
490
00:25:29,820 --> 00:25:31,655
I just pulled out of the Legends bucket,
and this...
491
00:25:31,739 --> 00:25:34,199
- We got another one?
- ...is a freak of nature.
492
00:25:34,283 --> 00:25:38,287
He's only been on this show
one time ever before.
493
00:25:38,370 --> 00:25:42,833
Meanwhile, a lot of people are saying
that he is indeed a frontrunner
494
00:25:42,916 --> 00:25:44,501
for Guest of the Year.
495
00:25:44,585 --> 00:25:48,589
Make some noise for Rob Schneider.
496
00:25:48,672 --> 00:25:52,259
- [groovy jazz music continues]
- [crowd cheering, applauding]
497
00:25:56,263 --> 00:25:58,432
- [music concludes]
- Thank you.
498
00:26:00,642 --> 00:26:01,935
Thank you so much.
499
00:26:03,145 --> 00:26:04,146
Thank you.
500
00:26:06,273 --> 00:26:08,442
Thank you. Hi. Thank you.
501
00:26:08,525 --> 00:26:11,487
- Oh, my God. Thank you. [laughs]
- [crowd cheering]
502
00:26:11,570 --> 00:26:13,781
Thank you. Thank you so much.
503
00:26:17,951 --> 00:26:20,245
I'm just here
for a little Asian pussy, and...
504
00:26:20,329 --> 00:26:22,247
{\an8}[crowd laughing]
505
00:26:22,331 --> 00:26:24,041
{\an8}...and I just saw some and I...
506
00:26:24,708 --> 00:26:29,505
{\an8}I just want to say, Tony Hinchcliffe,
you make dreams come true for comedians.
507
00:26:29,588 --> 00:26:31,548
- [crowd cheering, applauding]
- You do.
508
00:26:33,258 --> 00:26:36,053
For so many comedians launching careers,
509
00:26:36,762 --> 00:26:39,056
relaunching careers,
I just wanna thank you.
510
00:26:39,139 --> 00:26:42,142
You, honestly--
He's not listening. Honestly...
511
00:26:42,226 --> 00:26:44,436
[crowd laughing]
512
00:26:44,520 --> 00:26:47,106
Tony, when you watch this back
and you hear this...
513
00:26:47,189 --> 00:26:49,024
[crowd laughing]
514
00:26:49,108 --> 00:26:52,361
...I want you to know
how much you mean to me
515
00:26:53,153 --> 00:26:56,198
and what you do for comedians,
what it means.
516
00:26:56,281 --> 00:26:58,575
- [crowd cheering, applauding]
- This man,
517
00:26:58,659 --> 00:27:01,245
let me tell you,
since I've been on your show,
518
00:27:01,328 --> 00:27:02,913
Tony, when you hear this back,
519
00:27:02,996 --> 00:27:04,498
- Tony...
- [crowd laughing]
520
00:27:04,581 --> 00:27:06,875
...since I was on your show
several months ago...
521
00:27:08,752 --> 00:27:10,879
absolutely nothing
has fucking happened for me.
522
00:27:10,963 --> 00:27:12,798
- Nothing. Zero.
- [crowd laughing]
523
00:27:12,881 --> 00:27:14,258
Jack shit.
524
00:27:14,341 --> 00:27:17,678
Nothing. My life did not improve at--
Fucking zippo.
525
00:27:17,761 --> 00:27:20,472
Nothing. Nada.
Nothing has fucking happened.
526
00:27:20,556 --> 00:27:22,724
Not one fucking offer
for fucking anything.
527
00:27:22,808 --> 00:27:25,894
- And I have you to thank for it.
- [crowd laughing, applauding]
528
00:27:25,978 --> 00:27:27,020
Thank you.
529
00:27:31,108 --> 00:27:33,527
[chuckles] I wanna tell you thank you.
530
00:27:33,610 --> 00:27:35,154
[in Cajun accent] You can do it.
531
00:27:35,237 --> 00:27:38,740
- You can do it, Austin.
- [crowd cheering, applauding]
532
00:27:38,824 --> 00:27:40,742
All New Year's Eve long.
533
00:27:41,785 --> 00:27:43,829
[in normal voice]
I wanna tell you something like--
534
00:27:43,912 --> 00:27:45,622
Now, there's a lot of comedians
that are gonna tell jokes.
535
00:27:45,706 --> 00:27:50,377
I wanna tell something. It's a story
that's about something important to me.
536
00:27:50,460 --> 00:27:52,671
I hate when people go on Ancestry.com.
537
00:27:52,754 --> 00:27:54,631
You know, they go on Ancestry.com,
and it's like...
538
00:27:54,715 --> 00:27:57,509
[mockingly] "I just found out
my great, great, great, great, great,
539
00:27:57,593 --> 00:28:01,722
great, great grandfather
was on the Mayflower,
540
00:28:01,805 --> 00:28:02,848
and he was the fucking captain."
541
00:28:02,931 --> 00:28:04,850
[in normal voice] It's like,
shut the fuck up. First of all,
542
00:28:04,933 --> 00:28:06,852
that doesn't reflect you at all.
543
00:28:06,935 --> 00:28:07,895
Nobody cares.
544
00:28:07,978 --> 00:28:10,189
It doesn't make you a better person,
a more interesting person.
545
00:28:10,272 --> 00:28:12,441
Clearly, all of our ancestors
were just trying to survive,
546
00:28:12,524 --> 00:28:14,776
do the best job they could.
Clearly. It doesn't mean--
547
00:28:14,860 --> 00:28:17,279
You never hear anybody bragging
about something, you know, normal
548
00:28:17,362 --> 00:28:19,531
that most of our ancestors ever did.
You never hear like...
549
00:28:19,615 --> 00:28:21,325
[mockingly] "I just found out my great,
550
00:28:21,408 --> 00:28:25,621
great, great, great grandmother
was on the fucking Mayflower."
551
00:28:25,704 --> 00:28:28,165
"And she was a waitress and she, you know,
552
00:28:28,248 --> 00:28:31,084
she dropped something
and she got fucked by the captain."
553
00:28:31,168 --> 00:28:33,670
"So I'm kind of also related to the ca--"
554
00:28:35,047 --> 00:28:36,840
[in normal voice] But I found out,
you know...
555
00:28:36,924 --> 00:28:41,178
[grunts] When I was ten years old,
my dad told me that
556
00:28:41,845 --> 00:28:45,432
the most consequential event
of the 20th century was World War II.
557
00:28:46,516 --> 00:28:48,977
And that one of the most
consequential events of World War II
558
00:28:49,061 --> 00:28:53,565
was the liberation of Europe,
D-Day, June 6th, 1944,
559
00:28:53,649 --> 00:28:56,568
and that my grandfather was there.
So I said, "Can I go talk to him?"
560
00:28:56,652 --> 00:28:58,278
"Can I go talk to him?"
He says, "No, no, no, no."
561
00:28:58,362 --> 00:29:01,740
"Your grandfather suffers
from this thing called survivor's guilt."
562
00:29:02,532 --> 00:29:04,952
Why did he survive
when his friends around him
563
00:29:05,035 --> 00:29:06,286
were all killed that day?
564
00:29:06,870 --> 00:29:08,622
So, if he wants to talk about it,
he'll talk about it.
565
00:29:08,705 --> 00:29:11,500
But if he doesn't, he won't.
So I said, "Well, fine," you know?
566
00:29:11,583 --> 00:29:14,503
So we used to go see him every Sunday.
Finally, one Sunday, my dad said,
567
00:29:14,586 --> 00:29:16,964
"Hey, Robbie,
grandpa wants to talk about D-Day."
568
00:29:17,047 --> 00:29:19,967
[gasps] "Now?"
"Yeah, just let him do the talking."
569
00:29:20,676 --> 00:29:25,097
So I went in there, and I said,
"Grandpa, you gonna tell us about D-Day,
570
00:29:25,931 --> 00:29:30,269
June 6th, 1944,
the liberation of Europe, Omaha Beach?"
571
00:29:31,270 --> 00:29:32,604
"What was that like?"
572
00:29:32,688 --> 00:29:34,439
And I'll never forget, he told me...
573
00:29:35,232 --> 00:29:37,067
[in German accent]
"Well, I was sleeping in the morning!"
574
00:29:37,150 --> 00:29:38,151
[crowd laughing]
575
00:29:38,235 --> 00:29:40,237
"And then the Amerikaner start attacking."
576
00:29:40,320 --> 00:29:41,613
I said... [exclaims in German]
577
00:29:41,697 --> 00:29:43,699
[in English]
"They are coming. They are coming."
578
00:29:43,782 --> 00:29:46,785
"Herr Hitler was right.
They are fucking coming."
579
00:29:46,868 --> 00:29:49,830
[shouting in German]
580
00:29:49,913 --> 00:29:52,582
"So we're shooting."
[imitates machine gun firing]
581
00:29:52,666 --> 00:29:56,044
"Killing as many Americans as we could."
[imitates machine gun firing]
582
00:29:56,128 --> 00:29:57,379
"But there was too many,
583
00:29:57,462 --> 00:30:00,382
and then the fucking Canadians
start fucking coming."
584
00:30:00,465 --> 00:30:04,344
"Luckily, we had booby traps,
so bombs were going fucking off."
585
00:30:04,428 --> 00:30:08,015
"And arms and legs, American arms
and legs were fucking everywhere."
586
00:30:08,098 --> 00:30:10,517
"I picked them up.
I threw the American arm and the leg."
587
00:30:10,600 --> 00:30:14,021
"But there was too many.
Finally, we ran out of ammunition."
588
00:30:14,104 --> 00:30:16,690
"I threw down my weapon,
put on a woman's dress,
589
00:30:16,773 --> 00:30:19,943
snuck into Belgium, sucked a few dicks,
but I survived the war."
590
00:30:20,027 --> 00:30:21,778
- [crowd laughing]
- [in normal voice] I said, "Wow."
591
00:30:21,862 --> 00:30:24,197
[crowd cheering, applauding]
592
00:30:24,281 --> 00:30:25,324
"Grandpa."
593
00:30:26,867 --> 00:30:29,161
[laughs] I know.
594
00:30:29,244 --> 00:30:31,913
"I understand what you mean
by survivor's guilt."
595
00:30:31,997 --> 00:30:35,042
[crowd laughing]
596
00:30:35,876 --> 00:30:37,753
Anyway, thank you for having me.
597
00:30:37,836 --> 00:30:40,255
Could you move your gigantic ass
so I can sit down?
598
00:30:40,339 --> 00:30:41,548
- No, he'll stay there.
- Thank you.
599
00:30:41,631 --> 00:30:44,885
- Squeeze in between him and Roseanne.
- [laughs]
600
00:30:44,968 --> 00:30:47,679
Rob Schneider joining the panel, everybody.
601
00:30:47,763 --> 00:30:49,639
[crowd cheering, applauding]
602
00:30:49,723 --> 00:30:54,061
This is what we call
a good old-fashioned slobber knocker.
603
00:30:55,395 --> 00:30:58,815
How about one more time
for the great Rob Schneider, everybody?
604
00:30:58,899 --> 00:31:03,612
- [crowd cheering, applauding]
- [Tony laughs]
605
00:31:03,695 --> 00:31:07,866
And back to the bucket we go,
ladies and gentlemen.
606
00:31:07,949 --> 00:31:12,829
A normal human being has to follow
Rob Schneider in an arena.
607
00:31:12,913 --> 00:31:17,501
Make some noise for Timely Rain, everyone.
Here comes Timely Rain.
608
00:31:17,584 --> 00:31:22,631
- [groovy jazz music playing]
- [crowd cheering]
609
00:31:22,714 --> 00:31:25,342
- [music concludes]
- My boyfriend's 30 years old,
610
00:31:25,967 --> 00:31:27,761
which doesn't sound so bad
until you realize
611
00:31:27,844 --> 00:31:30,180
I've been dating 30-year-olds
since I was 16.
612
00:31:30,263 --> 00:31:31,348
[crowd laughing]
613
00:31:31,431 --> 00:31:34,643
I keep on getting older
and they stay the same age.
614
00:31:34,726 --> 00:31:36,269
[crowd cheering]
615
00:31:36,353 --> 00:31:39,064
And I'm a pretty good girlfriend too,
so in my last relationship,
616
00:31:39,147 --> 00:31:40,190
my ex was like,
617
00:31:40,273 --> 00:31:42,651
"Where have you been my whole life?"
618
00:31:42,734 --> 00:31:46,363
- I was like, "In middle school." [groans]
- [crowd laughing]
619
00:31:46,446 --> 00:31:49,157
I couldn't even get him to, like,
come to one of my comedy shows,
620
00:31:49,241 --> 00:31:51,159
let alone divorce his wife.
621
00:31:52,577 --> 00:31:56,331
I'm on my third husband by now,
and I've never even been married.
622
00:31:56,415 --> 00:32:00,001
[crowd laughing]
623
00:32:00,085 --> 00:32:05,132
My weed dealer called me the other day
to tell me that he graduated college
624
00:32:06,299 --> 00:32:09,761
and to thank me
for paying his way through college.
625
00:32:11,054 --> 00:32:13,640
I was like,
"Damn, I could have gone to college."
626
00:32:16,184 --> 00:32:19,729
- Y'all wanna hear a dick joke?
- [crowd cheering]
627
00:32:19,813 --> 00:32:23,400
- I don't have one.
- [crowd laughing]
628
00:32:23,483 --> 00:32:25,527
- I don't know. I'm just the kind of girl...
- [meow sound effect plays]
629
00:32:25,610 --> 00:32:29,364
...that'll fake an orgasm even when
I'm masturbating just to get it over with.
630
00:32:29,990 --> 00:32:31,408
Thank you, guys. My name's Timely.
631
00:32:31,491 --> 00:32:33,994
- [Tony] Timely Rain.
- [crowd cheering, applauding]
632
00:32:34,077 --> 00:32:36,913
- Amazing set.
- Thank you.
633
00:32:36,997 --> 00:32:40,375
This is incredible.
You just got pulled out of the bucket
634
00:32:40,459 --> 00:32:43,879
for your very first time this past Monday...
635
00:32:43,962 --> 00:32:45,922
- Yeah.
- ...on our normal taping of a show
636
00:32:46,006 --> 00:32:48,175
in which you'd signed up
how many times again?
637
00:32:48,258 --> 00:32:51,052
I've probably signed up over 50 times
in the past two-and-a-half years.
638
00:32:51,136 --> 00:32:54,264
Over 50 times
and you've gotten up somehow,
639
00:32:54,347 --> 00:32:59,686
miraculously, twice
in the past three days, which is insane.
640
00:32:59,769 --> 00:33:02,189
- This bucket has a mind of its own.
- [hesitates]
641
00:33:02,272 --> 00:33:05,859
- When God's good. [chuckles]
- [Tony laughs]
642
00:33:05,942 --> 00:33:07,235
- I love it.
- When it rains it pours.
643
00:33:07,319 --> 00:33:09,362
Remind us all,
how long you been doing stand-up?
644
00:33:09,446 --> 00:33:12,365
I've been doing stand-up for four years
now in Houston, Texas.
645
00:33:12,449 --> 00:33:13,617
What do you do for work?
646
00:33:13,700 --> 00:33:15,952
- What am I what?
- [Tony] What do you do for work?
647
00:33:16,036 --> 00:33:17,537
Oh. No, I do stand-up comedy.
648
00:33:17,621 --> 00:33:21,416
I produce shows all around Houston,
and I work at the Ren Faire.
649
00:33:21,500 --> 00:33:23,877
I'm a bartender. I'm a babysitter.
650
00:33:23,960 --> 00:33:26,630
Anything I can do
to get my nights off to do this.
651
00:33:26,713 --> 00:33:28,048
- [Tony] Amazing.
- Yeah.
652
00:33:28,131 --> 00:33:30,050
- [crowd cheering, applauding]
- Amazing.
653
00:33:31,551 --> 00:33:32,636
I love it.
654
00:33:32,719 --> 00:33:35,263
So, Timely, tell us something else crazy
about your life
655
00:33:35,347 --> 00:33:37,307
that we'd be surprised to know about you.
656
00:33:37,390 --> 00:33:40,435
Um, I don't know if it's surprising,
but I used to be a drug addict.
657
00:33:40,519 --> 00:33:41,853
- Um... [chuckles]
- [Tony] Okay.
658
00:33:41,937 --> 00:33:43,146
And I'm not anymore.
659
00:33:43,230 --> 00:33:46,191
I quit doing cocaine
to start stand-up comedy.
660
00:33:46,775 --> 00:33:48,443
- [Tony] Nice.
- [Redban] Boo!
661
00:33:48,527 --> 00:33:50,737
- [crowd cheering, applauding]
- [chuckles]
662
00:33:50,820 --> 00:33:52,948
Was it just cocaine?
Was that your main thing?
663
00:33:53,031 --> 00:33:59,037
Oh, no. I was very addicted to ketamine,
cocaine, molly, and whippets,
664
00:33:59,120 --> 00:34:02,791
- and acid, all at the same time.
- [Tony] Wow.
665
00:34:04,251 --> 00:34:06,545
I think it's funny
that a lot of you are cheering for that.
666
00:34:06,628 --> 00:34:09,881
- Yeah, I'm like, um, I don't remember.
- [Gabriel] Fricking Austin.
667
00:34:11,007 --> 00:34:16,096
During like COVID, you know,
I never liked ketamine before COVID,
668
00:34:16,179 --> 00:34:20,517
but... [chuckles] ...ketamine made
sitting at home really awesome.
669
00:34:20,600 --> 00:34:23,270
So, that was the last straw.
670
00:34:23,353 --> 00:34:27,691
What's the craziest thing that happened
to you during that time, during that era?
671
00:34:27,774 --> 00:34:31,611
Like, was there a time where, you know,
you realized you had hit bottom?
672
00:34:32,445 --> 00:34:34,406
No, everyone else tells you
you hit bottom
673
00:34:34,489 --> 00:34:36,992
- way before you realize that you do.
- [Tony laughs]
674
00:34:37,075 --> 00:34:38,785
- [crowd laughing]
- Um...
675
00:34:38,868 --> 00:34:40,787
That really happened to me or not ha--
676
00:34:40,870 --> 00:34:44,791
Like, the craziest thing I've ever seen
was every single one of my drawers
677
00:34:44,874 --> 00:34:48,044
on my dresser
was a different place in the world.
678
00:34:48,628 --> 00:34:50,630
- [Tony] Mm.
- One of my-- Like, my sock dresser
679
00:34:50,714 --> 00:34:52,299
was like the beach and, like, my,
680
00:34:52,382 --> 00:34:54,843
uh, you know, pants drawer
681
00:34:54,926 --> 00:34:57,429
- was like a cathedral.
- [mysterious melody plays]
682
00:34:57,512 --> 00:35:01,516
And then-- Yeah... [chuckles] ...pretty much.
And then you blink and it was gone.
683
00:35:01,600 --> 00:35:02,559
Wow.
684
00:35:02,642 --> 00:35:05,061
The craziest thing
that happened to me in real life
685
00:35:05,145 --> 00:35:08,732
was I ended up living
in a motel with a little bunny,
686
00:35:08,815 --> 00:35:14,571
a dog, a cat, and a diabetic DJ
who was stealing all my money.
687
00:35:14,654 --> 00:35:16,489
[crowd laughing]
688
00:35:16,573 --> 00:35:19,242
[Rob] Well, the good news was
you didn't have a lot of money to steal.
689
00:35:19,326 --> 00:35:22,454
- Exa-- Eight hundred dollars exactly.
- [crowd laughing]
690
00:35:22,537 --> 00:35:24,289
- Yeah. That's the good part.
- Yeah.
691
00:35:24,372 --> 00:35:26,207
- You gotta look at the positive.
- Thank you. [chuckles]
692
00:35:26,291 --> 00:35:27,292
Always.
693
00:35:27,375 --> 00:35:30,045
- Especially when you're a drug addict.
- Especially when you're a drug addict.
694
00:35:30,128 --> 00:35:31,838
- You gotta dig deep, find that shit.
- Not anymore.
695
00:35:31,921 --> 00:35:33,632
- Not anymore.
- Hang on to it tight.
696
00:35:33,715 --> 00:35:35,425
- [Timely] Oh, yeah.
- 'Cause you earned it.
697
00:35:35,508 --> 00:35:40,388
I did. I'm the best. I'm really good
at doing drugs, okay? [chuckles]
698
00:35:41,264 --> 00:35:44,976
- Better than you.
- I thought you did great.
699
00:35:45,060 --> 00:35:47,312
I don't know if I'm to jump in here,
but you did great.
700
00:35:47,395 --> 00:35:48,855
Honestly, great timing. Quick.
701
00:35:48,938 --> 00:35:51,274
You didn't take too long
to get to the jokes.
702
00:35:51,358 --> 00:35:53,985
Here's what I'm going to do.
I'm gonna pay for your dick surgery.
703
00:35:54,069 --> 00:35:55,403
[Timely] Oh, my God. Thank you.
704
00:35:55,487 --> 00:35:56,988
- Really good.
- [Timely] Thank you.
705
00:35:57,072 --> 00:35:58,782
[Rob] Where's the bucket for that one?
706
00:35:58,865 --> 00:36:02,243
- [laughs]
- [Tony laughs]
707
00:36:02,869 --> 00:36:04,204
I thought you did great too.
708
00:36:04,287 --> 00:36:08,708
You had great confidence,
you know, mastery over your space,
709
00:36:08,792 --> 00:36:10,335
- which is hard.
- Thank you.
710
00:36:10,418 --> 00:36:13,088
And, uh, your material was really, uh,
711
00:36:13,838 --> 00:36:16,132
- timely and well-written.
- I try to be.
712
00:36:16,216 --> 00:36:21,721
I think you are gonna have a good future
in stand-up comedy.
713
00:36:21,805 --> 00:36:25,558
You have no idea what that means
coming from you, Rose-- Thank you.
714
00:36:25,642 --> 00:36:28,019
- Thank you.
- [Roseanne] You're purely original too.
715
00:36:28,103 --> 00:36:30,188
- Thank you. When you sat down...
- Yeah.
716
00:36:30,271 --> 00:36:31,648
...I was like, oh, no, I don't know what--
717
00:36:31,731 --> 00:36:34,401
I don't know if I wanna know
what you think about me, but I really do.
718
00:36:34,484 --> 00:36:36,194
- Thank you. Thank you.
- [Roseanne] Well, I loved you.
719
00:36:36,277 --> 00:36:39,030
- Thank you. That means the world to me.
- [Roseanne] Thank you.
720
00:36:39,114 --> 00:36:41,825
- [Tony] There you go, Timely Rain.
- [in Cajun accent] You did it.
721
00:36:41,908 --> 00:36:44,077
- Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, guys.
- [Tony laughs]
722
00:36:44,160 --> 00:36:46,663
- Timely Rain, ladies and gentlemen.
- Thank you.
723
00:36:46,746 --> 00:36:48,289
[crowd cheering, applauding]
724
00:36:48,373 --> 00:36:54,129
Amazing, some incredible bucket pulls.
This is a very rare arena treat.
725
00:36:54,212 --> 00:36:57,841
Nobody has bent
under the pressure just yet.
726
00:36:57,924 --> 00:37:01,052
Bye, Timely. There you go.
All right, there you go.
727
00:37:01,136 --> 00:37:03,680
- [dramatic groovy music playing]
- [Tony] Ladies and gentlemen,
728
00:37:03,763 --> 00:37:05,765
make some noise
729
00:37:05,849 --> 00:37:11,020
for the one and only return
of Fiona Cauley, everybody.
730
00:37:11,104 --> 00:37:15,859
[crowd cheering, applauding]
731
00:37:30,832 --> 00:37:33,376
[music concludes]
732
00:37:33,460 --> 00:37:34,627
Hello.
733
00:37:36,921 --> 00:37:42,927
{\an8}- Ah! [chuckles] Thank you.
- [crowd cheering, applauding]
734
00:37:46,097 --> 00:37:49,559
[laughs] Oh, man.
735
00:37:51,186 --> 00:37:52,687
[laughs]
736
00:37:52,771 --> 00:37:59,110
I... I have a one-year-old nephew
named Nico.
737
00:37:59,611 --> 00:38:03,156
- [crowd member cheers]
- He's a cute baby. We like him. Um...
738
00:38:04,073 --> 00:38:07,744
For Christmas, we went over to his house
739
00:38:08,328 --> 00:38:14,459
and he was sitting on the floor
in front of me, maintaining eye contact.
740
00:38:16,211 --> 00:38:19,672
- It's never a good thing.
- [crowd laughing]
741
00:38:19,756 --> 00:38:25,845
And in this moment,
this fucking baby decides to stand up
742
00:38:25,929 --> 00:38:28,223
and take his first steps.
743
00:38:28,306 --> 00:38:30,725
[crowd laughing]
744
00:38:35,772 --> 00:38:37,273
Okay. [laughs]
745
00:38:37,982 --> 00:38:40,068
The disrespect.
746
00:38:40,151 --> 00:38:42,612
[crowd laughing]
747
00:38:42,695 --> 00:38:43,947
Unfounded.
748
00:38:44,030 --> 00:38:48,618
Okay, why don't we fucking learn
how to read a room before we walk?
749
00:38:48,701 --> 00:38:52,497
- You know? [chuckles]
- [crowd laughing]
750
00:38:52,580 --> 00:38:53,832
I, uh...
751
00:38:53,915 --> 00:38:56,876
- I tripped him.
- [crowd laughing]
752
00:38:56,960 --> 00:39:00,505
- Thank you so much.
- [crowd cheering, applauding]
753
00:39:00,588 --> 00:39:04,050
One of the greats, Fiona Cauley.
754
00:39:04,926 --> 00:39:06,094
My goodness.
755
00:39:06,928 --> 00:39:09,806
That is about as hard
as I've laughed all night.
756
00:39:09,889 --> 00:39:12,433
- [laughs]
- Just a hilarious premise.
757
00:39:12,517 --> 00:39:14,269
Absolutely amazing.
758
00:39:14,352 --> 00:39:15,353
[Fiona] Thank you.
759
00:39:15,436 --> 00:39:18,940
The kind of stuff where when you talk
about it, it's just you.
760
00:39:19,440 --> 00:39:25,446
You know? It is amazing, Fiona,
watching you grow in front of our eyes.
761
00:39:26,990 --> 00:39:31,286
Huge appearance on The Tonight Show
just a few months ago.
762
00:39:31,369 --> 00:39:35,582
- Yeah. [chuckles]
- [crowd cheering, applauding]
763
00:39:35,665 --> 00:39:37,500
I went clean.
764
00:39:37,584 --> 00:39:38,459
- Yeah.
- [Fiona] Yeah.
765
00:39:38,543 --> 00:39:41,963
And now you're back on a real comedy show.
It must be exciting for you.
766
00:39:42,046 --> 00:39:44,757
- [crowd cheering, applauding]
- [Tony laughs]
767
00:39:44,841 --> 00:39:48,720
- [laughs]
- Amazing. Fiona, tell us how life's going.
768
00:39:48,803 --> 00:39:51,180
- You look amazing.
- Thank you.
769
00:39:51,264 --> 00:39:54,475
I was worried I looked like an ice skater
770
00:39:54,559 --> 00:39:57,020
- that had a bad accident, but...
- [Tony laughs]
771
00:39:57,103 --> 00:39:59,230
- [crowd laughing]
- [Fiona laughs]
772
00:39:59,314 --> 00:40:03,151
Yeah, just like can't let go
of my old life kind of thing, yeah.
773
00:40:03,234 --> 00:40:05,445
- [laughs]
- [Tony] Incredible.
774
00:40:06,696 --> 00:40:07,822
What's going on?
775
00:40:07,906 --> 00:40:10,450
Well, I did... I am married now.
776
00:40:10,533 --> 00:40:11,618
- That happened.
- That's right.
777
00:40:11,701 --> 00:40:13,494
- Yeah.
- [crowd cheering, applauding]
778
00:40:13,578 --> 00:40:16,080
Thank you. Yeah, two months.
779
00:40:16,664 --> 00:40:18,458
How's it going? How has life changed?
780
00:40:18,541 --> 00:40:20,710
- Have you noticed a difference?
- It is hard.
781
00:40:20,793 --> 00:40:23,421
- I'm just kidding. It's good. It's fun.
- [Tony] Right.
782
00:40:23,504 --> 00:40:24,631
- Yeah.
- I loved it.
783
00:40:24,714 --> 00:40:27,842
- We went on our honeymoon...
- Oh, yeah.
784
00:40:27,926 --> 00:40:31,804
- ...to Cabo.
- Okay. What did you do there?
785
00:40:32,305 --> 00:40:37,727
Um, they don't like disabled people
in Mexico.
786
00:40:37,810 --> 00:40:39,103
[crowd laughing]
787
00:40:39,187 --> 00:40:42,398
- I had to learn that the hard way.
- [Tony] Mm-hmm.
788
00:40:42,482 --> 00:40:44,400
We... [laughs]
789
00:40:44,484 --> 00:40:46,653
We land in Cabo, right?
790
00:40:46,736 --> 00:40:52,241
And you know when you get off an airplane,
there's generally a jet bridge?
791
00:40:53,284 --> 00:40:54,243
Not here.
792
00:40:55,119 --> 00:40:58,081
- [Tony] Oh, no.
- Yeah, it was a fucking flight of stairs
793
00:40:58,164 --> 00:40:59,374
to outside.
794
00:40:59,874 --> 00:41:03,086
All right, a little bit
of a parkour situation.
795
00:41:03,169 --> 00:41:04,921
- [laughs]
- [laughs]
796
00:41:05,004 --> 00:41:07,882
- And I love a challenge, okay?
- [Tony] Yeah.
797
00:41:07,966 --> 00:41:12,261
But, like, there was another disabled girl
on the plane.
798
00:41:12,345 --> 00:41:14,931
She was paralyzed from the waist down.
799
00:41:15,515 --> 00:41:18,559
And she looked at me
and was like, "What the fuck?"
800
00:41:18,643 --> 00:41:20,395
- [laughs]
- [crowd laughing]
801
00:41:20,478 --> 00:41:22,105
"What are we gonna do?"
802
00:41:22,188 --> 00:41:24,774
You know, and I was like,
they'll bring a lift.
803
00:41:25,274 --> 00:41:27,652
- Tony does, you know.
- [Tony] Yeah.
804
00:41:27,735 --> 00:41:30,905
- [laughs]
- I do. It's an expensive lift too.
805
00:41:31,614 --> 00:41:33,116
- Yeah.
- So what happened?
806
00:41:33,199 --> 00:41:36,619
- Did they carry you down?
- This girl threw herself out
807
00:41:36,703 --> 00:41:38,329
of her airplane seat
808
00:41:38,913 --> 00:41:41,958
and then army-crawled down
the fucking stairs.
809
00:41:42,041 --> 00:41:43,334
[crowd laughing]
810
00:41:43,418 --> 00:41:45,545
It was the coolest thing I've ever seen.
811
00:41:45,628 --> 00:41:50,008
[laughs] I tried to get a photo with her,
but she was too fast.
812
00:41:50,091 --> 00:41:52,051
- [crowd laughing]
- [Tony] Wow.
813
00:41:53,011 --> 00:41:55,638
Amazing. And how did you get down?
814
00:41:56,180 --> 00:41:57,932
- How did I get down?
- Yeah.
815
00:41:58,016 --> 00:42:00,768
I made my little fucking husband carry me.
816
00:42:00,852 --> 00:42:03,229
- [Tony] Nice. You're damn right.
- Yeah. Yeah.
817
00:42:03,938 --> 00:42:06,816
- You're damn right.
- [crowd cheering, applauding]
818
00:42:06,899 --> 00:42:08,735
Yeah. [laughs]
819
00:42:09,819 --> 00:42:10,820
Amazing.
820
00:42:10,903 --> 00:42:14,240
- Guys, what do we think about Fiona?
- Oh, my God. First of all, I love...
821
00:42:14,323 --> 00:42:16,743
[crowd cheering, applauding]
822
00:42:16,826 --> 00:42:20,121
I love just your presence.
You're just naturally charismatic.
823
00:42:20,204 --> 00:42:22,749
You're funny. You're very self-aware.
824
00:42:22,832 --> 00:42:25,543
I love that you looked right at me
when you said Mexicans don't like you.
825
00:42:25,626 --> 00:42:27,128
- [laughs]
- [crowd laughing]
826
00:42:27,211 --> 00:42:29,630
I'm like, "Oh, my God. Yeah,
paralyzed people don't like me either."
827
00:42:29,714 --> 00:42:31,924
- So... [laughs]
- [laughs]
828
00:42:32,008 --> 00:42:34,844
No, you're very funny.
I just-- [hesitates]
829
00:42:34,927 --> 00:42:37,055
It's no surprise
you were on The Tonight Show.
830
00:42:37,138 --> 00:42:39,766
- And I wonder where they saw her first.
- [chuckles]
831
00:42:39,849 --> 00:42:41,726
- [Tony laughs] Yeah.
- [Redban] Yeah.
832
00:42:41,809 --> 00:42:44,604
I wonder, again,
back to what Rob said, man.
833
00:42:44,687 --> 00:42:47,398
You have no idea how many comedians
834
00:42:48,691 --> 00:42:51,652
should be thanking you
for the platform that you've created.
835
00:42:52,320 --> 00:42:56,032
There's comedy shows that book people,
and there's comedy shows
836
00:42:56,115 --> 00:42:58,076
- that discover people.
- Yes.
837
00:42:58,159 --> 00:43:00,745
- Yeah.
- [crowd cheering, applauding]
838
00:43:00,828 --> 00:43:02,497
- And there's... And there's...
- So...
839
00:43:02,580 --> 00:43:03,664
And there's comedy shows
840
00:43:03,748 --> 00:43:06,209
- that let on crazy people.
- [Fiona laughs]
841
00:43:06,292 --> 00:43:08,586
- Thank you. Thank you, Tony. Thank you.
- This is just as important.
842
00:43:08,669 --> 00:43:10,379
- But, I--
- [Fiona] This one does all three.
843
00:43:10,463 --> 00:43:12,548
- [Tony] Yeah. [laughs] Yeah.
- That's... [laughs]
844
00:43:12,632 --> 00:43:14,801
Seriously, I could listen to you all day.
845
00:43:14,884 --> 00:43:18,221
I look forward to your comedy special
because I know you're gonna get one.
846
00:43:18,304 --> 00:43:20,890
- It'll take all day to listen to that.
- You are very funny.
847
00:43:20,973 --> 00:43:22,225
- Yeah.
- [Rob] You were great.
848
00:43:22,308 --> 00:43:23,893
- [Gabriel] You were very funny.
- [Fiona] Thank you.
849
00:43:23,976 --> 00:43:26,062
And honestly,
I thought you installed the lift for me,
850
00:43:26,145 --> 00:43:28,106
- but I see what you were doing.
- [laughs]
851
00:43:28,189 --> 00:43:30,942
I was like,
"This is convenient. No stairs today."
852
00:43:31,025 --> 00:43:33,319
- [Fiona laughs]
- [laughs]
853
00:43:33,402 --> 00:43:34,904
You've got it. You've really got it.
854
00:43:34,987 --> 00:43:36,656
And I'm sorry I couldn't relate
to your plane story,
855
00:43:36,739 --> 00:43:39,659
'cause I fly private.
But other than that, the other--
856
00:43:39,742 --> 00:43:42,036
I mean, I can relate
to all the other stuff you said.
857
00:43:42,120 --> 00:43:43,871
- [crowd laughing]
- It was really good.
858
00:43:43,955 --> 00:43:45,540
Yeah. Rob...
859
00:43:45,623 --> 00:43:48,167
Rob Schneider has a lift
for his private plane,
860
00:43:48,251 --> 00:43:50,670
and is fully capable of walking.
861
00:43:50,753 --> 00:43:52,171
- [crowd laughing]
- [both laugh]
862
00:43:52,255 --> 00:43:55,424
Walking is for poor people, I agree.
863
00:43:55,508 --> 00:43:58,678
- [Tony] Yeah. You--
- It's an old-fashioned way to get around.
864
00:43:58,761 --> 00:44:01,430
Like, grow up, you know, get a chair.
865
00:44:01,514 --> 00:44:04,392
But you bring people to you,
and that's really special.
866
00:44:04,475 --> 00:44:07,770
You bring people, and they want to hear
every word that you say, and you deliver.
867
00:44:07,854 --> 00:44:09,397
So, congrats. It was awesome tonight.
868
00:44:09,480 --> 00:44:11,774
- [Fiona] Thank you.
- Congratulations. Great job.
869
00:44:11,858 --> 00:44:17,113
Can I... Can I say,
you made kicking a baby funny.
870
00:44:17,196 --> 00:44:19,407
- Yeah.
- How? Wow.
871
00:44:19,490 --> 00:44:23,286
- [laughs] It was always funny.
- [crowd laughing]
872
00:44:23,369 --> 00:44:24,871
[Tony laughs]
873
00:44:25,830 --> 00:44:27,582
Let's check in
with the great Roseanne Barr.
874
00:44:27,665 --> 00:44:29,208
Yeah, I wanted...
875
00:44:29,292 --> 00:44:33,546
I wanted to say, you know,
your writing is impeccable.
876
00:44:33,629 --> 00:44:36,674
- [Fiona] Thank you.
- Your timing is stunning.
877
00:44:37,300 --> 00:44:41,721
I mean, I like all the stuff you say
under your breath and swallow.
878
00:44:42,388 --> 00:44:46,434
That-- You got, you know, it's like a...
879
00:44:47,143 --> 00:44:53,524
Well, it's very unique delivery.
And your story is just...
880
00:44:55,526 --> 00:44:59,655
just the story of watching you do it,
and I said this to you before,
881
00:44:59,739 --> 00:45:02,992
it's just such a triumphant spirit.
882
00:45:03,075 --> 00:45:08,039
And that you turn it
into such a healing magic of comedy,
883
00:45:08,122 --> 00:45:12,919
which is really what comedy can do.
And you're just great. You're just great.
884
00:45:13,002 --> 00:45:15,213
[crowd cheering, applauding]
885
00:45:15,296 --> 00:45:20,051
Thank you so much.
Seriously, it meant so much.
886
00:45:20,134 --> 00:45:25,890
My Kill Tony debut, Roseanne was there,
and it's so cool to see you now,
887
00:45:25,973 --> 00:45:29,060
like more than a year and a half later.
888
00:45:29,143 --> 00:45:32,688
I don't know. I'm very emotional.
This is very cool.
889
00:45:32,772 --> 00:45:35,149
- [Tony] You're killing it.
- You're doing great.
890
00:45:36,192 --> 00:45:40,404
You're on your way to sucking
and fucking your way to the top, girl.
891
00:45:40,488 --> 00:45:42,531
- That's right.
- [Roseanne laughs]
892
00:45:42,615 --> 00:45:43,783
- [chuckles]
- [crowd member screeches]
893
00:45:43,866 --> 00:45:46,911
Make some damn noise
for the great Fiona Cauley, everybody.
894
00:45:46,994 --> 00:45:50,331
- [crowd cheering, applauding]
- [hip-hop music playing]
895
00:45:50,414 --> 00:45:56,295
Our very own, "You found her here,"
the great Fiona Cauley.
896
00:45:56,921 --> 00:45:58,130
Redban.
897
00:46:03,594 --> 00:46:06,430
Redban's still hitting the backup alarm.
898
00:46:09,725 --> 00:46:14,230
Let's see. We have a reverse camera
of Fiona that we always use here.
899
00:46:14,313 --> 00:46:16,065
You got Fiona getting out of here?
900
00:46:16,691 --> 00:46:19,026
One more time for Fiona.
There she is, everyone.
901
00:46:19,110 --> 00:46:21,529
- [crowd cheering, applauding]
- [Tony] Getting down on level ground.
902
00:46:21,612 --> 00:46:25,866
Kill Tony doing more than airlines
for the handicapped.
903
00:46:27,743 --> 00:46:29,954
All right.
I pulled another name out of the bucket.
904
00:46:30,037 --> 00:46:32,331
We're going to meet them all together.
This is a crazy name.
905
00:46:32,415 --> 00:46:35,751
Make some noise
for Elvis Bulldozier, everyone.
906
00:46:35,835 --> 00:46:40,131
- Elvis Bulldozier.
- [upbeat music playing]
907
00:46:49,682 --> 00:46:51,475
[music concludes]
908
00:46:53,811 --> 00:46:57,898
- Hello, Austin!
- [crowd cheering, applauding]
909
00:46:57,982 --> 00:47:01,736
A guy talked to me the other day.
He says, "Hey, man, do you like cowboys?"
910
00:47:01,819 --> 00:47:03,446
I said, "Hell yeah, I like cowboys."
911
00:47:03,529 --> 00:47:06,032
"We live in Texas,
and there's cowboys everywhere."
912
00:47:06,824 --> 00:47:08,993
He says,
"Well, how do you feel about Westerns?"
913
00:47:09,076 --> 00:47:12,246
"Hell yeah, I like Westerns.
There's cowboys in them."
914
00:47:12,330 --> 00:47:14,415
"Well, how do you feel about camping?"
915
00:47:14,498 --> 00:47:17,043
"Well, camping is a cowboy's life."
916
00:47:17,126 --> 00:47:21,297
Anyways, we decided to go camping
up on this place called,
917
00:47:21,380 --> 00:47:23,215
yeah, Brokeback Mountain.
918
00:47:23,299 --> 00:47:25,718
[crowd laughing]
919
00:47:25,801 --> 00:47:28,679
I got real sleepy
after dinner for some reason.
920
00:47:28,763 --> 00:47:31,265
The next thing I know is it's morning.
921
00:47:32,224 --> 00:47:34,769
And you know
what I found out about camping?
922
00:47:34,852 --> 00:47:37,063
Camping makes my asshole sore.
923
00:47:37,146 --> 00:47:39,065
[crowd laughing]
924
00:47:39,148 --> 00:47:42,943
So much so, my asshole wrote me this note.
925
00:47:43,486 --> 00:47:47,239
It said, "I'll never quit. Your asshole."
926
00:47:49,033 --> 00:47:52,078
And funny thing was,
it was in my new buddy's handwriting.
927
00:47:53,162 --> 00:47:54,288
[meow sound effect plays]
928
00:47:54,372 --> 00:47:56,874
Don't worry, I'm gonna ask him
about it this weekend
929
00:47:56,957 --> 00:47:59,877
when we go hiking
up on Brokeback Mountain.
930
00:47:59,960 --> 00:48:02,004
No camping though, just hiking
931
00:48:02,088 --> 00:48:03,547
and good old anal sex.
932
00:48:03,631 --> 00:48:07,051
- [crowd laughing, cheering]
- That's my time.
933
00:48:07,134 --> 00:48:11,555
[Tony] All right, there's a return
to your normally scheduled program.
934
00:48:11,639 --> 00:48:14,100
Now, I've been here before.
935
00:48:14,183 --> 00:48:20,147
Just a crazy man bombing on stage.
We're back to normal Kill Tony, everyone.
936
00:48:20,731 --> 00:48:24,568
- Yeah.
- So, you've been on this show before.
937
00:48:24,652 --> 00:48:27,238
I remember you,
but the Elvis thing is new.
938
00:48:27,321 --> 00:48:30,199
You're trying to reinvent yourself
with a wig and glasses?
939
00:48:30,282 --> 00:48:33,077
Well, let me take my costume off.
940
00:48:33,160 --> 00:48:35,413
- You can remember me, okay?
- [Tony] Okay, yep.
941
00:48:35,955 --> 00:48:37,873
- [Redban] There you go.
- It's Forrest Gump.
942
00:48:37,957 --> 00:48:40,501
[Tony] Okay, I still-- All right.
943
00:48:40,584 --> 00:48:44,213
- Yeah, I did the drum off.
- [Tony] That's right, okay.
944
00:48:44,296 --> 00:48:46,924
The first annual drum off
with the guy with the cane.
945
00:48:47,007 --> 00:48:50,511
You have a little bit of wig hair
still on your shoulder there.
946
00:48:50,594 --> 00:48:53,806
On your shoulder, go like that.
No, the other shoulder.
947
00:48:54,640 --> 00:48:56,851
[Redban] He was a really good drummer
last time, Tony.
948
00:48:56,934 --> 00:48:58,894
- [crowd jeering]
- I don't have that much hair.
949
00:48:58,978 --> 00:49:00,062
You're perfect.
950
00:49:00,146 --> 00:49:03,357
So, remind us, how long have you been
attempting stand-up comedy?
951
00:49:03,441 --> 00:49:05,276
Well, this is about my 15th mic.
952
00:49:05,359 --> 00:49:06,569
- [Tony] Fifteenth mic.
- Yeah.
953
00:49:06,652 --> 00:49:07,903
[Tony] And you've been on Kill Tony twice,
954
00:49:07,987 --> 00:49:10,614
- so you really prefer--
- No, just the one time.
955
00:49:10,698 --> 00:49:12,533
- Right, this is your second time.
- Yes, sir.
956
00:49:12,616 --> 00:49:15,494
- So, now you've been on twice.
- [crowd laughing]
957
00:49:15,578 --> 00:49:17,830
Yeah, one, one is two. Yeah, that's right.
958
00:49:18,414 --> 00:49:23,002
Absolutely. So, what made you turn
into this Elvis character? Why--
959
00:49:23,085 --> 00:49:24,587
You could have done all that
960
00:49:24,670 --> 00:49:27,339
without the Elvis hair... [laughs]
...and glasses on.
961
00:49:27,423 --> 00:49:28,424
[laughs]
962
00:49:28,507 --> 00:49:30,759
- The Elvis... The Elvis thing--
- I was-- I was excited.
963
00:49:30,843 --> 00:49:33,262
The Elvis thing didn't add
to the joke at all.
964
00:49:33,888 --> 00:49:35,556
I do Elvis, I do Elvis, but--
965
00:49:35,639 --> 00:49:38,726
I know, but the Elvis didn't have anything
to do with the joke.
966
00:49:38,809 --> 00:49:40,769
- That's all.
- No, not really.
967
00:49:40,853 --> 00:49:43,105
- I mean, I've got an Elvis joke.
- [Rob] No, but I will tell you, Elvis,
968
00:49:43,189 --> 00:49:45,441
tonight you did reset the bar.
969
00:49:45,524 --> 00:49:48,569
[Tony] Tell us something crazy
about your life that we don't know.
970
00:49:49,487 --> 00:49:51,614
Uh, that's good. I'm glad you asked that.
971
00:49:51,697 --> 00:49:57,119
I'm a Gunner's Mate, second class,
1981-85 on the USS Mount Vernon, LSD-39.
972
00:49:57,203 --> 00:49:59,788
[crowd cheering, applauding]
973
00:49:59,872 --> 00:50:03,584
[Rob] Thank you for your service,
not in comedy. I'm sorry.
974
00:50:03,667 --> 00:50:04,877
- [laughs]
- [laughs]
975
00:50:04,960 --> 00:50:07,505
I adopted out 57 kittens.
976
00:50:08,255 --> 00:50:09,381
- [Roseanne] What?
- Yep.
977
00:50:09,924 --> 00:50:12,134
I had a lot of cats
in the garage one night,
978
00:50:12,218 --> 00:50:14,345
and I realized that I had
two pregnant cats in the garage
979
00:50:14,428 --> 00:50:16,847
and one on the front porch,
and that's how that started.
980
00:50:16,931 --> 00:50:18,474
- [Tony] Wow.
- So, I adopted out 57.
981
00:50:18,557 --> 00:50:21,185
I lost about 60 outside cats.
982
00:50:21,936 --> 00:50:24,021
And I've written a book about it.
983
00:50:24,104 --> 00:50:26,857
You adopted out 57 kids?
984
00:50:26,941 --> 00:50:28,192
Fifty-seven kittens.
985
00:50:28,275 --> 00:50:29,902
- Question.
- Oh, kittens.
986
00:50:29,985 --> 00:50:33,113
Is that hair made out of one of the cats?
I'm just questioning.
987
00:50:33,822 --> 00:50:35,616
Possibly, possibly.
988
00:50:35,699 --> 00:50:38,202
What made you want to have so many cats?
989
00:50:38,285 --> 00:50:40,829
- That's fucking nuts.
- That is nuts.
990
00:50:40,913 --> 00:50:44,458
It just started off as those three,
those three litters at one time.
991
00:50:44,542 --> 00:50:48,504
And... So I'm walking
in the Woodlands Mall with a cart
992
00:50:48,587 --> 00:50:51,757
with kittens in it with a sign
on the front that says "Free kittens."
993
00:50:51,840 --> 00:50:56,303
It's pathetic, but it worked.
But yeah, I adopted out a lot of kittens.
994
00:50:56,387 --> 00:50:57,638
[crowd jeering]
995
00:50:57,721 --> 00:51:02,393
This crowd hates
adopting kittens, obviously.
996
00:51:02,476 --> 00:51:05,479
We have found a crowd
that wants all kittens to die.
997
00:51:05,563 --> 00:51:07,314
Horrible people!
998
00:51:08,107 --> 00:51:11,944
Horrible people that don't like kittens?
999
00:51:12,027 --> 00:51:14,863
- What kind of audience--
- Oh, my God, what is this?
1000
00:51:14,947 --> 00:51:18,742
What a bunch of-- Who boos kittens?
1001
00:51:18,826 --> 00:51:21,120
- [laughs]
- [crowd jeering]
1002
00:51:21,203 --> 00:51:25,833
You guys are bad people.
All right. Well, Elvis.
1003
00:51:25,916 --> 00:51:30,963
Well, your joke
about anal sex, that sucked.
1004
00:51:31,046 --> 00:51:33,882
- [crowd laughing]
- [laughs]
1005
00:51:33,966 --> 00:51:39,263
It wasn't funny at all. Anal sex
is not enjoyable, nor is it funny.
1006
00:51:39,346 --> 00:51:40,431
- [crowd laughing]
- [both laugh]
1007
00:51:40,514 --> 00:51:43,309
- It's not.
- I'm going to take your word for that.
1008
00:51:43,392 --> 00:51:46,478
There he goes,
ladies and gentlemen, Elvis Bulldozier.
1009
00:51:46,562 --> 00:51:47,605
- Thank you, Elvis.
- Thank you.
1010
00:51:47,688 --> 00:51:50,065
- Good luck, brother.
- [crowd cheering, applauding]
1011
00:51:50,149 --> 00:51:53,027
[Tony] Elvis, everybody. There he goes.
1012
00:51:53,110 --> 00:51:54,778
- [playful upbeat music playing]
- A little reset here.
1013
00:51:54,862 --> 00:51:56,739
This is absolutely incredible.
1014
00:51:56,822 --> 00:52:01,035
This guy, two appearances all time
on the show
1015
00:52:01,118 --> 00:52:05,623
and yet another huge frontrunner
for Guest of the Year.
1016
00:52:05,706 --> 00:52:10,919
Make some noise
for the one and only Carrot Top!
1017
00:52:11,003 --> 00:52:15,341
[crowd cheering, applauding]
1018
00:52:18,761 --> 00:52:22,264
[inaudible dialogue]
1019
00:52:24,475 --> 00:52:25,809
[Carrot Top] Legends. Legends.
1020
00:52:25,893 --> 00:52:28,604
Don't get up. Don't get up.
Fuck, don't get up.
1021
00:52:28,687 --> 00:52:31,940
You get up. Don't get up. Thank you, band.
1022
00:52:32,733 --> 00:52:33,692
Crowd.
1023
00:52:35,110 --> 00:52:37,446
You guys are awesome. Oh, fuck.
1024
00:52:38,697 --> 00:52:42,117
{\an8}Oh! All right, everybody.
Everybody. [chuckles]
1025
00:52:43,035 --> 00:52:45,663
{\an8}- [vocalizes]
- [music concludes]
1026
00:52:45,746 --> 00:52:48,165
{\an8}I only have one joke,
so play one more song.
1027
00:52:48,791 --> 00:52:50,501
Everybody get what
they want for Christmas?
1028
00:52:50,584 --> 00:52:52,127
Did y'all get
what you wanted for Christmas?
1029
00:52:52,211 --> 00:52:54,171
- [crowd cheering]
- I don't know what I got.
1030
00:52:54,254 --> 00:52:56,215
I've been waiting
for this show to open this thing.
1031
00:52:56,298 --> 00:52:58,676
And when you're a kid, you shake it like,
1032
00:52:58,759 --> 00:53:00,427
"Oh, God, it could be a cock ring."
1033
00:53:00,511 --> 00:53:02,137
[crowd laughing]
1034
00:53:02,221 --> 00:53:04,223
I'd always do that to my dad.
"Is it a cock ring?"
1035
00:53:04,306 --> 00:53:05,516
And he's like, "What the fuck's a cock--"
1036
00:53:05,599 --> 00:53:09,520
And then they got me one.
And my dad's like, "Well, go try it on."
1037
00:53:09,603 --> 00:53:11,063
[crowd laughing]
1038
00:53:11,146 --> 00:53:13,107
This, I don't even know what this is.
1039
00:53:13,190 --> 00:53:16,443
We're going to find out.
It's very exciting. [laughs]
1040
00:53:16,527 --> 00:53:19,363
I think it's-- Oh, fuck,
it's P. Diddy's backpack.
1041
00:53:19,446 --> 00:53:20,948
[crowd laughing]
1042
00:53:21,031 --> 00:53:24,535
That's fucking--
That's the shit right there.
1043
00:53:24,618 --> 00:53:28,956
I've always wanted that for Christmas.
P. Diddy's backpack. [laughs]
1044
00:53:29,832 --> 00:53:33,210
Yeah, I mean, it's on Netflix.
Let's get some money out of that one.
1045
00:53:33,293 --> 00:53:35,045
[crowd laughing]
1046
00:53:35,129 --> 00:53:38,090
This is a beer for lesbians.
See, that way they can...
1047
00:53:39,049 --> 00:53:42,052
Or, no, or anybody. Or anybody.
1048
00:53:43,011 --> 00:53:45,848
To get guys to drink Bud Light again,
you know what I mean?
1049
00:53:45,931 --> 00:53:47,266
[crowd laughing]
1050
00:53:47,349 --> 00:53:50,561
Right? Sorry. I'm going
to put all this shit on your band thing.
1051
00:53:51,353 --> 00:53:55,023
This was Pee Wee Herman's doll.
Have you ever seen the Pee Wee? Have you?
1052
00:53:55,649 --> 00:53:58,444
- You got to... [laughs]
- [crowd laughing]
1053
00:53:58,527 --> 00:54:02,156
Fuck. Oh, my God.
You guys are fun, by the way.
1054
00:54:02,239 --> 00:54:04,533
This next one is really... [laughs]
1055
00:54:04,616 --> 00:54:07,828
...is really weird
to do with you sitting here, Fluffy.
1056
00:54:07,911 --> 00:54:09,872
But I found your buffet tray.
1057
00:54:09,955 --> 00:54:12,291
And I don't know if you know.
I don't know.
1058
00:54:12,374 --> 00:54:15,127
- [crowd laughing]
- And I love you. You know I love you.
1059
00:54:15,210 --> 00:54:17,087
- [crowd cheering, applauding]
- [laughs]
1060
00:54:17,171 --> 00:54:18,338
Oh, wait, there's more.
1061
00:54:19,047 --> 00:54:20,424
[bell ringing]
1062
00:54:20,507 --> 00:54:21,717
See, it even has a...
1063
00:54:22,426 --> 00:54:25,429
It even put a fucking bell on it.
You got to have...
1064
00:54:26,305 --> 00:54:29,475
In fact, hold on.
I'm making a whole bunch of shit.
1065
00:54:30,642 --> 00:54:32,519
This is fun. Bring this on the plane,
1066
00:54:32,603 --> 00:54:34,354
and when the guy
next to you falls asleep, wake him up.
1067
00:54:34,438 --> 00:54:37,649
"Dude, we're going fucking down,
all right?" You're like... [grunts]
1068
00:54:37,733 --> 00:54:40,444
- [crowd laughing]
- [Carrot Top laughs]
1069
00:54:40,527 --> 00:54:42,780
These are skinny jeans
for fat guys right there.
1070
00:54:42,863 --> 00:54:45,282
- That's... That's...
- [crowd laughing]
1071
00:54:45,365 --> 00:54:48,786
If you could put them on,
that would be really funny. [laughs]
1072
00:54:49,661 --> 00:54:52,581
I'm making a mess.
Oh, my God, they found the Chiefs' helmet.
1073
00:54:52,664 --> 00:54:55,459
They have the Chiefs' new helmet.
Have you seen it that came out?
1074
00:54:55,542 --> 00:54:58,796
I kind of did the Dallas one,
but I figured...
1075
00:54:58,879 --> 00:55:02,841
- [crowd cheering, applauding]
- [laughs]
1076
00:55:02,925 --> 00:55:06,345
Fuck. All right. I'm making friends, baby.
1077
00:55:08,096 --> 00:55:10,057
This is great. This one took engineering.
1078
00:55:10,140 --> 00:55:12,476
This is a purse... [chuckles]
...for you women.
1079
00:55:12,559 --> 00:55:15,813
If a woman needs a tampon,
you can shoot it to her across the bar.
1080
00:55:15,896 --> 00:55:17,356
- [crowd laughing]
- Just...
1081
00:55:17,439 --> 00:55:20,108
Oh, shit. Sorry, sorry, sorry.
Sorry, Roseanne. [laughs]
1082
00:55:20,192 --> 00:55:21,527
Sorry. Oh, fuck.
1083
00:55:22,444 --> 00:55:24,071
I come up with all this shit,
1084
00:55:24,154 --> 00:55:25,989
and then the kids
in the sweatshop build it,
1085
00:55:26,073 --> 00:55:29,117
- but I write it all.
- [crowd laughing]
1086
00:55:29,201 --> 00:55:31,453
It's another purse.
It's a purse for women.
1087
00:55:31,537 --> 00:55:33,705
When you go to the bar,
you can decide what guy to bring home.
1088
00:55:33,789 --> 00:55:36,750
- You just gotta... Yeah.
- [crowd laughing]
1089
00:55:36,834 --> 00:55:40,045
See, it's a big dick or a--
You know what I'm talking about, right?
1090
00:55:40,838 --> 00:55:43,799
[chuckles] That's the least favorite one
so far.
1091
00:55:43,882 --> 00:55:47,219
It's like, "Why can't you be
like your brothers? They did so good."
1092
00:55:48,053 --> 00:55:51,431
This is a purse for hookers.
See, that way they can just get rid of...
1093
00:55:51,515 --> 00:55:53,308
- [crowd laughing]
- It's a... [laughs]
1094
00:55:53,392 --> 00:55:57,563
That's how old this joke is.
That's an old bitch right there. That is...
1095
00:55:58,397 --> 00:56:00,858
That is an old bitch.
Wait, I have more New Year's shit.
1096
00:56:00,941 --> 00:56:02,651
Did I bring my New Year's shit?
1097
00:56:03,318 --> 00:56:05,821
We have a box of New Year's shit
that came all the way from--
1098
00:56:05,904 --> 00:56:07,906
- Here comes my... [chuckles]
- [crowd cheering]
1099
00:56:07,990 --> 00:56:10,576
[Carrot Top] There's my kids
in the sweatshop. Thank you.
1100
00:56:11,285 --> 00:56:13,328
Oh, my God. Thank you, guys.
Thank you so much.
1101
00:56:13,412 --> 00:56:17,165
Thank you. Thank you.
You have a nice box. Beautiful, beautiful.
1102
00:56:17,249 --> 00:56:19,626
[crowd laughing]
1103
00:56:19,710 --> 00:56:23,547
{\an8}This one I just made. I mean, literally,
I just made this backstage.
1104
00:56:23,630 --> 00:56:24,715
{\an8}This is... This is... [laughs]
1105
00:56:24,798 --> 00:56:26,800
{\an8}...Charlie Sheen's Dustbuster. Now, look.
1106
00:56:26,884 --> 00:56:30,345
- [crowd laughing]
- But wait. Wait. Oh, fuck.
1107
00:56:31,597 --> 00:56:34,725
You can tell I'm not a stand-up comic.
There's a fucking microphone right there.
1108
00:56:34,808 --> 00:56:38,186
Watch this shit.
Wait, watch. Watch. You got to see this.
1109
00:56:39,730 --> 00:56:41,607
- Now, watch.
- [crowd laughing]
1110
00:56:41,690 --> 00:56:44,651
Wait. It gets better.
Watch this fucking thing.
1111
00:56:46,486 --> 00:56:48,572
[crowd cheering, applauding]
1112
00:56:48,655 --> 00:56:52,492
It sucks. It sucks. Right up.
1113
00:56:53,827 --> 00:56:55,037
See, I clean up.
1114
00:56:55,579 --> 00:56:57,748
- Here, I have some...
- Oh, thanks. [laughs]
1115
00:56:57,831 --> 00:57:00,792
Okay. I'm doing longer
than I was supposed to.
1116
00:57:00,876 --> 00:57:03,253
I'll do one more too--
Shit, this fucking thing. [laughs] Sorry.
1117
00:57:03,337 --> 00:57:05,422
- Is it okay if I do? All right.
- [Tony] You're good, you're good.
1118
00:57:05,505 --> 00:57:08,508
- [crowd cheering, applauding]
- All right. You guys are hot.
1119
00:57:10,677 --> 00:57:11,595
You guys are hot.
1120
00:57:12,930 --> 00:57:15,349
All right, this is just for women now.
This is for tonight.
1121
00:57:15,432 --> 00:57:17,017
New Year's Eve, when you get drunk,
1122
00:57:17,100 --> 00:57:19,937
it's a toilet seat that holds your hair
when you throw up.
1123
00:57:20,020 --> 00:57:23,023
[crowd laughing]
1124
00:57:23,106 --> 00:57:27,319
So, guys don't have to fucking shit.
That one did okay.
1125
00:57:29,738 --> 00:57:32,407
And the holidays... [laughs]
...the holidays were just here.
1126
00:57:32,491 --> 00:57:34,743
It's a toilet seat so people can't take
a shit when they come to your house.
1127
00:57:34,826 --> 00:57:38,330
- See that way?
- [crowd laughing, applauding]
1128
00:57:38,956 --> 00:57:41,583
[laughs] All right, let's find one more.
1129
00:57:42,167 --> 00:57:45,170
Wait, I've got to do this one.
I mean, it's just for tonight.
1130
00:57:45,253 --> 00:57:46,755
If it's for someone that's alone
1131
00:57:46,838 --> 00:57:48,882
and they have someone
they can toast with by themselves.
1132
00:57:48,966 --> 00:57:50,676
- [glasses clink]
- [crowd laughing]
1133
00:57:50,759 --> 00:57:53,512
Can you hear this?
"Happy New Year, Chuck."
1134
00:57:53,595 --> 00:57:56,431
- [glasses clink]
- [crowd laughing]
1135
00:57:56,515 --> 00:57:59,017
"You too, Scott." [laughs]
1136
00:58:00,352 --> 00:58:02,104
You guys are really fun, holy shit.
1137
00:58:02,729 --> 00:58:06,233
This next one... This next...
[pants] I'm outta... I'm old, fuck.
1138
00:58:06,984 --> 00:58:10,195
This next one,
thank you, thank you, thank you.
1139
00:58:10,278 --> 00:58:14,074
- [crowd cheering, applauding]
- Oh! I could die. Thank you.
1140
00:58:16,284 --> 00:58:19,454
Now, before-- Thank you.
Oh, my mom and dad are here,
1141
00:58:19,538 --> 00:58:21,456
thank you, Mom and Dad, thank you.
1142
00:58:21,540 --> 00:58:24,209
Now, before I lose my career
over this one,
1143
00:58:24,292 --> 00:58:29,256
I honestly shipped it here thinking,
this is how old this joke is, this is bad.
1144
00:58:30,007 --> 00:58:31,925
This is a belt for Richard Gere...
1145
00:58:32,718 --> 00:58:36,304
so... so his gerbil can exercise
when he comes out.
1146
00:58:36,388 --> 00:58:38,348
[crowd laughing, applauding]
1147
00:58:38,432 --> 00:58:42,019
Now, I'm probably going
to need a lawyer tonight.
1148
00:58:43,937 --> 00:58:46,314
All right, the last one for you guys,
and this is honest from me to you.
1149
00:58:46,398 --> 00:58:48,358
Meeting your--
When you go drinking tonight,
1150
00:58:48,442 --> 00:58:50,402
make your friends wear this, right?
1151
00:58:50,485 --> 00:58:52,154
So, when they get drunk and they pass out,
1152
00:58:52,237 --> 00:58:55,157
just leave them wherever the hell they are
where they lay and they're drunk.
1153
00:58:55,240 --> 00:58:58,285
[crowd laughing, applauding]
1154
00:58:58,368 --> 00:59:00,746
- Happy New Year, everybody!
- [crowd cheering]
1155
00:59:00,829 --> 00:59:04,666
[Tony] Carrot Top, ladies and gentlemen,
has done it again.
1156
00:59:04,750 --> 00:59:06,376
[upbeat music playing]
1157
00:59:06,460 --> 00:59:10,964
- A 100% batting average.
- [crowd cheering, applauding]
1158
00:59:11,715 --> 00:59:12,883
[music concludes]
1159
00:59:12,966 --> 00:59:18,138
One of the greatest in the show's history,
the great Carrot Top. [laughs]
1160
00:59:19,514 --> 00:59:20,807
- You keep kiss--
- God bless everybody.
1161
00:59:20,891 --> 00:59:23,602
- God bless you. Thanks for the love.
- [Tony] You keep kissing me like that,
1162
00:59:23,685 --> 00:59:26,313
I'll end up being Carrot Bottom
by the end of the night.
1163
00:59:26,396 --> 00:59:28,440
- [crowd laughing]
- Ladies and gentlemen,
1164
00:59:28,523 --> 00:59:31,693
one of the greatest regulars
in the show's history.
1165
00:59:31,777 --> 00:59:36,156
A boy who has accomplished
a great many things
1166
00:59:36,239 --> 00:59:39,785
- coming from such a faraway land.
- [dramatic music playing]
1167
00:59:39,868 --> 00:59:45,582
And one day, without a doubt,
very soon, he will be an American citizen.
1168
00:59:46,625 --> 00:59:52,714
But today, he remains
the Estonian Assassin, Ari Matti!
1169
00:59:52,798 --> 00:59:56,468
[crowd cheering, applauding]
1170
01:00:09,314 --> 01:00:12,067
[music concludes]
1171
01:00:12,150 --> 01:00:14,945
[crowd cheering, applauding]
1172
01:00:22,160 --> 01:00:26,832
[cheering, applause intensifies]
1173
01:00:37,509 --> 01:00:40,679
- [cheering, applause continues]
- [chuckles]
1174
01:00:42,472 --> 01:00:44,599
[cheering, applause fades]
1175
01:00:45,183 --> 01:00:49,271
Do you guys know what a BBL is?
1176
01:00:49,354 --> 01:00:51,064
[crowd cheering]
1177
01:00:51,148 --> 01:00:53,525
Brazilian butt lift.
1178
01:00:54,860 --> 01:00:57,362
I don't really want a girl with a BBL,
1179
01:00:57,445 --> 01:00:59,865
'cause the last thing I need
1180
01:00:59,948 --> 01:01:02,159
is distance.
1181
01:01:02,242 --> 01:01:06,705
[crowd laughing]
1182
01:01:06,788 --> 01:01:10,208
Girl, you get a BBL,
your pussy is in no danger.
1183
01:01:11,376 --> 01:01:14,004
My dick is going
to be in the hallway, fucking...
1184
01:01:14,087 --> 01:01:16,381
[crowd laughing]
1185
01:01:18,800 --> 01:01:22,012
I might have a small dick,
but you know what else I have?
1186
01:01:22,095 --> 01:01:24,472
Great breakfast.
1187
01:01:24,556 --> 01:01:26,725
[crowd laughing]
1188
01:01:26,808 --> 01:01:27,893
That's what matters
1189
01:01:27,976 --> 01:01:31,813
when you're dating women
in their thirties. The overall package.
1190
01:01:31,897 --> 01:01:33,481
[crowd cheering]
1191
01:01:33,565 --> 01:01:37,694
You wake up at my place,
you get a goat cheese omelet. Bam!
1192
01:01:38,570 --> 01:01:40,697
Cherry tomatoes in the omelet.
1193
01:01:42,115 --> 01:01:44,451
Not too hot, just squishy enough.
1194
01:01:46,036 --> 01:01:49,206
When that omelet hits your mouth,
you'll forget about the dick.
1195
01:01:49,289 --> 01:01:51,583
[crowd laughing]
1196
01:01:51,666 --> 01:01:56,046
Small-dick men have nice apartments.
1197
01:01:56,129 --> 01:01:57,672
[crowd laughing]
1198
01:01:57,756 --> 01:02:02,010
Dude, I have a fucking USB-C port
in my couch.
1199
01:02:03,053 --> 01:02:05,430
Candles and feng shui.
1200
01:02:06,973 --> 01:02:09,976
You ever go over
to a big dick motherfucker's apartment?
1201
01:02:10,727 --> 01:02:12,520
The bed frame is missing.
1202
01:02:12,604 --> 01:02:14,481
[crowd laughing]
1203
01:02:14,564 --> 01:02:16,524
There's a creepy roommate.
1204
01:02:17,317 --> 01:02:19,819
Ice cubes taste like vegetables.
1205
01:02:19,903 --> 01:02:22,572
- [crowd laughing]
- [chuckles]
1206
01:02:22,656 --> 01:02:26,993
The TV remote, the batteries are in,
but the back is missing.
1207
01:02:27,077 --> 01:02:30,664
[crowd laughing]
1208
01:02:32,749 --> 01:02:36,336
A big dick motherfucker
will fuck you for 15 minutes
1209
01:02:36,419 --> 01:02:38,964
and then it's 23 hours of nothing.
1210
01:02:39,047 --> 01:02:40,298
[crowd laughing]
1211
01:02:40,382 --> 01:02:42,759
I'll fuck you for four minutes...
1212
01:02:43,551 --> 01:02:46,346
and we have a full day of activities.
1213
01:02:46,429 --> 01:02:48,431
[crowd laughing]
1214
01:02:48,515 --> 01:02:50,684
- We go hiking.
- [crowd cheering, applauding]
1215
01:02:50,767 --> 01:02:52,435
We play Monopoly.
1216
01:02:53,395 --> 01:02:55,772
I tell you about my dead mother.
1217
01:02:55,855 --> 01:02:57,190
[crowd laughing]
1218
01:02:57,274 --> 01:03:00,277
Russia and Ukraine conflict. I explain it.
1219
01:03:00,360 --> 01:03:02,904
[crowd laughing]
1220
01:03:02,988 --> 01:03:04,823
You're learning, bitch.
1221
01:03:04,906 --> 01:03:07,242
[crowd laughing]
1222
01:03:07,325 --> 01:03:09,577
I have a Helix sleep mattress.
1223
01:03:10,537 --> 01:03:13,164
Body-temperature-regulating.
1224
01:03:13,248 --> 01:03:14,541
[crowd laughing]
1225
01:03:15,166 --> 01:03:17,752
Sure, big dicks are great.
You know what's better?
1226
01:03:17,836 --> 01:03:22,632
- REM sleep.
- [crowd laughing, applauding]
1227
01:03:23,383 --> 01:03:26,678
[laughs] You wake up at my place fresh.
1228
01:03:27,345 --> 01:03:28,847
Pussy, no damage.
1229
01:03:28,930 --> 01:03:32,017
[crowd laughing]
1230
01:03:32,100 --> 01:03:34,227
You leave my place,
there's no walk of shame.
1231
01:03:34,311 --> 01:03:36,730
There's the stroll of employment.
You're gonna...
1232
01:03:36,813 --> 01:03:38,523
[crowd laughing]
1233
01:03:38,606 --> 01:03:40,525
You're gonna nail that interview, baby.
1234
01:03:40,608 --> 01:03:43,194
[crowd laughing]
1235
01:03:43,903 --> 01:03:48,408
Small-dick men are the hardest-working
people on this planet.
1236
01:03:49,492 --> 01:03:53,371
Everybody who's got
a good ticket tonight has a tiny cock.
1237
01:03:53,455 --> 01:03:56,333
[crowd laughing]
1238
01:03:56,416 --> 01:03:59,627
I know a lot of comedians with huge hogs.
1239
01:04:00,920 --> 01:04:02,422
None of them are here.
1240
01:04:02,505 --> 01:04:07,010
[crowd laughing]
1241
01:04:07,093 --> 01:04:12,807
- [chuckles]
- [crowd cheering, applauding]
1242
01:04:12,891 --> 01:04:16,186
Who's the biggest economic force
in the world?
1243
01:04:16,770 --> 01:04:18,063
China.
1244
01:04:18,146 --> 01:04:19,981
[crowd laughing]
1245
01:04:22,150 --> 01:04:25,653
Only a tiny-dick motherfucker
will work for Temu,
1246
01:04:26,363 --> 01:04:28,823
make you a Shrek mask for 90 cents.
1247
01:04:30,116 --> 01:04:32,577
Have you ever been to China?
They're the fucking future.
1248
01:04:32,660 --> 01:04:35,747
AI's building roads,
their fucking alphabet,
1249
01:04:35,830 --> 01:04:38,291
one symbol means 700 different things.
1250
01:04:38,375 --> 01:04:40,168
[crowd laughing]
1251
01:04:42,170 --> 01:04:44,214
Have you ever been to Africa?
1252
01:04:44,297 --> 01:04:49,219
- [crowd laughing]
- [chuckles]
1253
01:04:52,889 --> 01:04:54,182
[laughs]
1254
01:04:54,265 --> 01:04:59,312
They don't even have asphalt.
They got no Wi-Fi, tiny huts, big dicks.
1255
01:04:59,396 --> 01:05:00,980
[crowd laughing]
1256
01:05:01,064 --> 01:05:04,192
You don't need ChatGPT when you got a BBC.
1257
01:05:04,275 --> 01:05:06,486
[crowd laughing]
1258
01:05:06,569 --> 01:05:08,655
I love you, Austin, Texas.
Thank you guys so much.
1259
01:05:08,738 --> 01:05:10,448
- [speaking indistinctly]
- [Tony] I mean, holy shit.
1260
01:05:10,532 --> 01:05:12,826
- Un-fucking-believable.
- [crowd cheering, applauding]
1261
01:05:12,909 --> 01:05:17,247
Full standing ovation
from the arena. The full panel.
1262
01:05:17,330 --> 01:05:19,624
[crowd cheering, applauding]
1263
01:05:19,707 --> 01:05:25,171
Unbelievable.
The one and only Ari Matti, everybody.
1264
01:05:25,255 --> 01:05:29,259
With Ari!
What has to be the set of the night.
1265
01:05:29,342 --> 01:05:31,302
- This guy's trying to get citizenship...
- [Gabriel] Hell yeah.
1266
01:05:31,386 --> 01:05:33,388
...on the spot here tonight.
1267
01:05:33,471 --> 01:05:35,348
[crowd cheering]
1268
01:05:35,432 --> 01:05:39,519
Ari, can I just start off by saying
the last couple times I saw you, man,
1269
01:05:39,602 --> 01:05:45,024
you were rocking a tracksuit,
and now it's New Year's, you look sharp.
1270
01:05:45,108 --> 01:05:48,069
- [crowd cheering, applauding]
- [Tony] Oh, my!
1271
01:05:48,153 --> 01:05:52,657
Thank you, Gabriel.
I just invested in a daycare in Minnesota.
1272
01:05:52,740 --> 01:05:56,244
- [laughs]
- [crowd laughing]
1273
01:05:56,327 --> 01:05:58,204
My Somalian brothers.
1274
01:05:59,539 --> 01:06:01,499
I got this to say, Ari,
1275
01:06:01,583 --> 01:06:05,753
the next superstar comedian
in the world has a small dick.
1276
01:06:05,837 --> 01:06:08,798
- [Ari chuckles]
- [crowd laughing]
1277
01:06:09,466 --> 01:06:12,594
It is true.
Everything you said checks out.
1278
01:06:12,677 --> 01:06:14,804
I indeed have no bed frame.
1279
01:06:14,888 --> 01:06:16,890
- My ice tastes like vegetables.
- [Ari laughs]
1280
01:06:16,973 --> 01:06:19,851
- [crowd laughing]
- You are spot on about everything.
1281
01:06:19,934 --> 01:06:21,227
[laughs]
1282
01:06:22,145 --> 01:06:24,439
That is amazing. Roseanne Barr?
1283
01:06:24,522 --> 01:06:28,443
I would have to say,
having had lots of dicks,
1284
01:06:28,526 --> 01:06:31,279
as I referenced
at the beginning of the show...
1285
01:06:32,780 --> 01:06:35,825
- you are absolutely correct about the...
- [Ari chuckles]
1286
01:06:35,909 --> 01:06:38,119
...about the supremacy
1287
01:06:38,203 --> 01:06:41,498
of the small-dick man. Absolutely.
1288
01:06:42,040 --> 01:06:43,166
[Ari] One hundred percent.
1289
01:06:43,249 --> 01:06:46,169
- One hundred fucking percent, brother.
- [Ari] We work hard.
1290
01:06:46,711 --> 01:06:47,962
[Roseanne] That's right.
1291
01:06:48,046 --> 01:06:50,507
I want to thank you
for getting it out there,
1292
01:06:50,590 --> 01:06:53,092
- the benefits that we provide.
- Exactly.
1293
01:06:53,176 --> 01:06:54,302
[crowd laughing]
1294
01:06:54,385 --> 01:06:57,222
Do you want to be in
a basement apartment with a big-dick guy,
1295
01:06:57,305 --> 01:06:59,849
or you want to be
in the penthouse with me?
1296
01:06:59,933 --> 01:07:02,519
[crowd laughing]
1297
01:07:03,520 --> 01:07:05,396
- [laughs]
- Absolutely.
1298
01:07:05,480 --> 01:07:08,066
You are a prophet, is what you are.
1299
01:07:08,149 --> 01:07:10,652
- [Ari laughs]
- [chuckles]
1300
01:07:10,735 --> 01:07:13,905
It is very powerful,
the joke, the material.
1301
01:07:13,988 --> 01:07:16,449
I've been talking with you
throughout the week
1302
01:07:16,533 --> 01:07:19,619
about this set and, you know,
1303
01:07:19,702 --> 01:07:21,621
- trying to keep it tight.
- [Ari] Oh, yeah.
1304
01:07:21,704 --> 01:07:23,540
And I've been asking you,
and you said it's kind of a problem.
1305
01:07:23,623 --> 01:07:24,749
- It's very long.
- Dude, yeah,
1306
01:07:24,832 --> 01:07:27,293
last night it was like
seven-and-a-half minutes,
1307
01:07:27,377 --> 01:07:29,879
- and I was like, "Oh, fuck."
- [crowd laughing]
1308
01:07:29,963 --> 01:07:33,341
And I don't know,
I don't like to get too stiff either,
1309
01:07:33,424 --> 01:07:36,469
like, to plan it too much.
I'll just see what the punchlines--
1310
01:07:36,553 --> 01:07:39,097
If I know the ending, I know I'm okay.
1311
01:07:39,180 --> 01:07:41,766
Um, but I was just... Fun.
1312
01:07:41,849 --> 01:07:44,727
Well, you kept it short,
and like you said throughout the set,
1313
01:07:44,811 --> 01:07:45,895
shorter is better.
1314
01:07:45,979 --> 01:07:47,313
- [Ari chuckles] Yes.
- Shorter is better.
1315
01:07:47,397 --> 01:07:50,191
It's funny how the longer set
might not have worked so well.
1316
01:07:50,275 --> 01:07:52,610
- Seven and a half is pretty beefy.
- [Ari] Yeah, pretty beefy.
1317
01:07:52,694 --> 01:07:55,738
You know, you have a perfect example
of length in your pants.
1318
01:07:55,822 --> 01:07:57,156
[laughs]
1319
01:07:57,240 --> 01:08:00,243
No, but let me say,
that was a masterclass, honey.
1320
01:08:00,326 --> 01:08:02,704
Oh, thank you.
I really appreciate. You're very sweet.
1321
01:08:02,787 --> 01:08:05,915
You're the only comedian
who took advantage of the entire stage...
1322
01:08:05,999 --> 01:08:07,166
- Yeah.
- ...and had the presence.
1323
01:08:07,250 --> 01:08:09,586
- [laughs] Oh, thank you.
- And you are
1324
01:08:09,669 --> 01:08:12,839
a fucking huge star already, my friend.
1325
01:08:12,922 --> 01:08:14,132
- [Tony] Yeah.
- Thank you.
1326
01:08:14,215 --> 01:08:15,425
- [Gabriel] Yes, he is.
- [Rob] Massive.
1327
01:08:15,508 --> 01:08:17,385
[crowd cheering, applauding]
1328
01:08:17,468 --> 01:08:22,056
It's just amazing, Ari.
You are undeniable. Fluffy.
1329
01:08:22,140 --> 01:08:26,477
Can I say, I saw you perform easily
five times this year.
1330
01:08:26,561 --> 01:08:30,732
And each time I see you perform,
I'm like, "Any minute now, man."
1331
01:08:30,815 --> 01:08:32,525
- [Ari] Wow. Thank you.
- "Any minute now." So,
1332
01:08:32,609 --> 01:08:34,485
- I watched--
- [Ari] I hope to be as big as you.
1333
01:08:34,569 --> 01:08:36,321
- Keep eating, bro. Keep eating.
- [crowd laughing]
1334
01:08:36,404 --> 01:08:38,156
- You'll get there. Trust me.
- [laughs]
1335
01:08:38,239 --> 01:08:41,326
- Thank you. That's very sweet. Thank you.
- [Gabriel laughs]
1336
01:08:41,909 --> 01:08:45,705
But yeah, each time I see you, man,
you are funnier and funnier.
1337
01:08:45,788 --> 01:08:47,540
Yeah, I try to use this platform.
1338
01:08:47,624 --> 01:08:51,127
Being a regular is such a huge honor,
not to only showcase your skills,
1339
01:08:51,210 --> 01:08:53,463
but to only improve your joke writing.
1340
01:08:53,546 --> 01:08:55,715
So, I've tried
to take full advantage of it.
1341
01:08:55,798 --> 01:08:58,259
- Take it... Take it...
- [crowd cheering, applauding]
1342
01:08:58,343 --> 01:09:02,597
Take it from this guy,
who's a huge star who can't find his dick.
1343
01:09:02,680 --> 01:09:06,809
- And that's unbelievable. He loves you.
- [laughs]
1344
01:09:06,893 --> 01:09:09,520
- Ari, you did it again. You are just...
- Wow. Thank you, guys, so much.
1345
01:09:09,604 --> 01:09:12,523
- ...an absolute fucking saint and angel.
- [Rob] Unbelievable.
1346
01:09:13,232 --> 01:09:15,902
[Tony] The Estonian Assassin,
ladies and gentlemen.
1347
01:09:15,985 --> 01:09:17,737
- [dramatic music playing]
- [crowd cheering, applauding]
1348
01:09:17,820 --> 01:09:20,448
An undeniable force of nature.
1349
01:09:22,075 --> 01:09:23,701
With what has to be...
1350
01:09:27,205 --> 01:09:30,333
Amazing stuff, buddy.
There he goes. Ari Matti, everybody.
1351
01:09:30,958 --> 01:09:32,877
[crowd cheering]
1352
01:09:32,960 --> 01:09:37,757
How awesome. Ladies and gentlemen,
your next comedian won this spot
1353
01:09:37,840 --> 01:09:40,009
at Madison Square Garden...
1354
01:09:40,093 --> 01:09:42,679
- Oh, Pauly!
- ...in a four-person playoff.
1355
01:09:42,762 --> 01:09:46,641
Make some noise for the return
of Danny Martinello, ladies and gentlemen.
1356
01:09:46,724 --> 01:09:50,228
- Here comes Danny.
- [crowd cheering, applauding]
1357
01:09:50,311 --> 01:09:53,981
[Tony] From the great country of Canada,
Danny Martinello, everyone.
1358
01:09:54,065 --> 01:09:58,778
- Austin, make some fucking noise!
- [crowd cheering, applauding]
1359
01:09:58,861 --> 01:10:01,197
{\an8}I love this city.
I've been living here for a year,
1360
01:10:01,280 --> 01:10:03,783
{\an8}and you guys
made me fall in love with America.
1361
01:10:03,866 --> 01:10:05,535
{\an8}[crowd cheering]
1362
01:10:05,618 --> 01:10:09,163
{\an8}Thank you. All it took was watching
a flyover at a Longhorns game
1363
01:10:09,247 --> 01:10:12,041
and seeing the assertion
of aerial dominance.
1364
01:10:12,125 --> 01:10:13,793
[crowd cheering]
1365
01:10:13,876 --> 01:10:17,714
That's all it was. All it took was...
[imitates airplane roaring]
1366
01:10:17,797 --> 01:10:20,550
And immediately I said, "Who's got oil?"
1367
01:10:21,551 --> 01:10:22,510
That's what I said.
1368
01:10:22,593 --> 01:10:24,262
I'm not even American,
and I pledged allegiance
1369
01:10:24,345 --> 01:10:27,974
to the flag for liberty and justice
and said, "Let's fucking invade!"
1370
01:10:28,057 --> 01:10:30,226
[crowd cheering, laughing]
1371
01:10:30,309 --> 01:10:33,104
And I like America because you guys
are proud of your military.
1372
01:10:33,187 --> 01:10:36,023
You guys have museums everywhere.
I was traveling through...
1373
01:10:36,107 --> 01:10:38,359
I was traveling through Tennessee,
1374
01:10:38,443 --> 01:10:42,864
and I saw a World War II museum
for female fighter pilots.
1375
01:10:43,948 --> 01:10:47,326
Female fighter pilots. World War II.
1376
01:10:47,410 --> 01:10:49,495
I didn't even know you girls
were flying planes.
1377
01:10:49,579 --> 01:10:51,873
I thought you were just sewing flags
for the war.
1378
01:10:51,956 --> 01:10:53,124
[crowd laughing]
1379
01:10:53,207 --> 01:10:55,501
I had to go in.
I had to see it. I was there.
1380
01:10:55,585 --> 01:10:57,837
Two planes? Both were crashed.
1381
01:10:57,920 --> 01:10:59,547
- [meow sound effect plays]
- [crowd laughing]
1382
01:10:59,630 --> 01:11:01,090
They didn't even see service.
1383
01:11:01,174 --> 01:11:03,718
The girls were just parking it.
That was the crazy part.
1384
01:11:03,801 --> 01:11:04,969
[crowd laughing]
1385
01:11:05,052 --> 01:11:09,182
And then I started thinking,
if you guys had female fighter pilots,
1386
01:11:09,265 --> 01:11:12,935
maybe Japan just had
female co-pilots the whole war.
1387
01:11:13,019 --> 01:11:15,062
[crowd laughing]
1388
01:11:15,146 --> 01:11:16,314
Can you imagine that?
1389
01:11:16,397 --> 01:11:20,860
Flying seven hours over the Pacific
and all you hear is, "Are we there yet?"
1390
01:11:22,111 --> 01:11:23,571
"Is that the right harbor?"
1391
01:11:23,654 --> 01:11:25,239
"You're just like your mother."
1392
01:11:25,990 --> 01:11:28,659
But they were Japanese,
so all it would sound like is...
1393
01:11:28,743 --> 01:11:32,413
[imitates female Japanese pilot]
1394
01:11:32,497 --> 01:11:38,795
[imitates male Japanese pilot shouting]
1395
01:11:38,878 --> 01:11:41,047
[crowd laughing, applauding]
1396
01:11:41,130 --> 01:11:43,132
Thank you, guys.
My name's Danny Martinello.
1397
01:11:43,216 --> 01:11:45,384
- [crowd cheering, applauding]
- [Tony] Danny Martinello.
1398
01:11:45,468 --> 01:11:46,385
Great set, buddy.
1399
01:11:46,469 --> 01:11:48,513
- Thanks, Tony.
- Hell yeah.
1400
01:11:49,597 --> 01:11:51,724
- You're back.
- I'm back, buddy.
1401
01:11:51,808 --> 01:11:54,268
- That was great.
- Thanks. I appreciate it.
1402
01:11:54,352 --> 01:11:56,479
- [Tony] Yeah. Of course.
- [Gabriel] Brother, you came out swinging.
1403
01:11:56,562 --> 01:11:59,398
I enjoyed the fact
that you wasted no time.
1404
01:11:59,482 --> 01:12:02,068
You moved the mic stand
and you jumped right into your set.
1405
01:12:02,151 --> 01:12:05,571
And you were 100% energy
from the beginning to the end.
1406
01:12:05,655 --> 01:12:08,324
- Thanks, Gabriel. That means a lot.
- [Gabriel] Yeah, man.
1407
01:12:08,407 --> 01:12:11,327
- You hate women. I love it.
- No, I love women.
1408
01:12:11,410 --> 01:12:15,373
I wouldn't be where I am if it wasn't
for a good group of beautiful girls.
1409
01:12:15,456 --> 01:12:18,668
My mom's the best person I know
in the world, and without her,
1410
01:12:18,751 --> 01:12:20,586
I wouldn't be who I am,
so you gotta love women.
1411
01:12:20,670 --> 01:12:22,713
[Rob] Oh, good.
Too late for that, but good.
1412
01:12:22,797 --> 01:12:24,674
- [laughs]
- [laughs]
1413
01:12:24,757 --> 01:12:26,801
No, you already said
how much you hate women.
1414
01:12:26,884 --> 01:12:30,054
No, but it's good.
Very funny. I like that.
1415
01:12:30,137 --> 01:12:32,932
It's also, you know, you're going
the opposite way, which is good.
1416
01:12:33,015 --> 01:12:35,351
You're not trying to be likable,
kiss-assy, which is good.
1417
01:12:35,434 --> 01:12:39,105
And thankfully, you left
that cowardice country of Canada.
1418
01:12:39,188 --> 01:12:41,232
- I'm so glad you left.
- Hey, I gotta...
1419
01:12:41,315 --> 01:12:44,402
I gotta say, I'm proud of where I'm from,
1420
01:12:44,485 --> 01:12:47,363
but right now, America's on top, guys.
1421
01:12:47,446 --> 01:12:50,741
- [Rob] Yeah.
- And I love Texas, and I love you guys.
1422
01:12:50,825 --> 01:12:56,956
- USA! USA! USA! USA!
- [crowd chanting "USA!"]
1423
01:12:57,039 --> 01:12:59,625
- No, I wasn't-- No, seriously.
- [Danny laughs]
1424
01:12:59,709 --> 01:13:02,545
You guys are mental.
All it takes is "US" and you go...
1425
01:13:02,628 --> 01:13:05,590
- [screams frantically]
- [crowd laughing]
1426
01:13:05,673 --> 01:13:09,093
- And that's what pride is about!
- [crowd cheering]
1427
01:13:09,176 --> 01:13:11,470
Roseanne, what do you think
about little Canadian boy Danny?
1428
01:13:11,554 --> 01:13:14,348
Well, you've got a lot of energy,
that's for sure.
1429
01:13:14,432 --> 01:13:16,601
- Thank you, Roseanne.
- That's really good,
1430
01:13:16,684 --> 01:13:19,353
being from Canada
and having a lot of energy.
1431
01:13:19,437 --> 01:13:22,148
Well, you have to. It's cold all the time.
You gotta stay warm.
1432
01:13:22,231 --> 01:13:26,777
And coming down here and loving Austin,
and that's all good.
1433
01:13:27,278 --> 01:13:28,613
You know, we love that.
1434
01:13:28,696 --> 01:13:32,074
And, you know, you've got
a great delivery and all that.
1435
01:13:32,158 --> 01:13:34,869
Of course, I don't like you blaming
everything on women.
1436
01:13:34,952 --> 01:13:37,288
That pisses me off and everything.
1437
01:13:37,371 --> 01:13:42,126
'Cause, I mean, those women were,
you know, they were in service.
1438
01:13:42,209 --> 01:13:43,169
No, I-- [hesitates]
1439
01:13:43,252 --> 01:13:46,339
You know, so that makes me think
you're a homosexual
1440
01:13:46,422 --> 01:13:48,215
- and it makes me think...
- [laughs]
1441
01:13:48,299 --> 01:13:52,053
- [crowd cheering]
- ...that you're hiding things because,
1442
01:13:52,136 --> 01:13:58,517
I mean, It's only homosexual men
that don't like women, I think.
1443
01:13:58,601 --> 01:14:03,564
But I wish you would just
embrace your homosexuality,
1444
01:14:03,648 --> 01:14:06,567
and then I think you could go forward
1445
01:14:06,651 --> 01:14:10,613
- with a lot of good jokes.
- Yeah.
1446
01:14:10,696 --> 01:14:12,281
[Roseanne] 'Cause you've got
everything else.
1447
01:14:12,365 --> 01:14:15,409
If you could just
embrace your homosexuality,
1448
01:14:15,493 --> 01:14:19,163
- it would really help your career.
- [Danny] Yeah. I... [hesitates] Yeah.
1449
01:14:19,246 --> 01:14:21,290
If you want to embrace your homosexuality,
1450
01:14:21,374 --> 01:14:23,668
you'll probably get a lot more spots
on the show, by the way.
1451
01:14:23,751 --> 01:14:25,503
- Yeah.
- Let me tell you,
1452
01:14:25,586 --> 01:14:29,966
me and Tony have been having a back
and forth like a hot girl in high school.
1453
01:14:30,049 --> 01:14:32,385
[Tony, in Canadian accent]
Yeah, let me tell you there.
1454
01:14:32,468 --> 01:14:35,429
What about your mom?
I bet you don't get along with her.
1455
01:14:35,513 --> 01:14:37,556
No, I get along with my mom.
My mom's my best friend.
1456
01:14:37,640 --> 01:14:39,725
- Really? That's why you're homosexual?
- Yeah. Yeah.
1457
01:14:39,809 --> 01:14:41,686
- [laughs]
- [crowd laughing]
1458
01:14:41,769 --> 01:14:42,937
What can you do?
1459
01:14:43,020 --> 01:14:44,855
I only want to suck one tit,
and that's from her.
1460
01:14:44,939 --> 01:14:46,482
Yeah, I knew it.
1461
01:14:46,565 --> 01:14:48,985
No, but the audience can tell
you have a bigger dick than Ari,
1462
01:14:49,068 --> 01:14:52,113
- so congratulations.
- Yeah, much bigger, to be honest.
1463
01:14:52,196 --> 01:14:54,365
Well, you did good, though. You're funny.
1464
01:14:54,448 --> 01:14:59,203
But, like I say, you know,
try to delve a little bit deeper.
1465
01:14:59,286 --> 01:15:02,832
And it'll be real funny
when you say you're homosexual.
1466
01:15:02,915 --> 01:15:04,917
- [Danny] Thank you.
- [crowd laughing]
1467
01:15:05,001 --> 01:15:06,711
Danny Martinello, a great spot.
1468
01:15:06,794 --> 01:15:08,504
- Congratulations. There you go.
- Thank you. Thank you.
1469
01:15:08,587 --> 01:15:10,881
I just want to say, Tony,
I appreciate everything you've offered
1470
01:15:10,965 --> 01:15:13,300
and you made my 2025. God bless you.
1471
01:15:13,384 --> 01:15:15,344
- Thank you so much, as well as Redban.
- Thank you. There he goes.
1472
01:15:15,428 --> 01:15:17,888
- [Danny] See you, guys.
- Danny Martinello, ladies and gentlemen.
1473
01:15:17,972 --> 01:15:21,100
- [soft jazz music playing]
- [Tony] The Canadian Crustacean.
1474
01:15:21,183 --> 01:15:24,937
- [crowd cheering, applauding]
- [Tony] The Great Northern...
1475
01:15:27,189 --> 01:15:29,567
- All right.
- [crowd cheering]
1476
01:15:29,650 --> 01:15:33,320
All right, how about a hand
for the lovely ladies, everybody?
1477
01:15:34,071 --> 01:15:36,907
Bussing some tables for us real quick.
1478
01:15:39,326 --> 01:15:41,704
All right,
let's keep it moving along here.
1479
01:15:41,787 --> 01:15:46,500
Another very, very special treat
out of the Legends bucket.
1480
01:15:46,584 --> 01:15:48,169
This guy, without a doubt,
1481
01:15:48,252 --> 01:15:53,883
one of the best guests of the year
and of all time on the show.
1482
01:15:53,966 --> 01:15:58,596
Doing his set for us, make some noise
for the great James McCann, everybody.
1483
01:15:58,679 --> 01:16:00,389
- [crowd cheering, applauding]
- [upbeat music playing]
1484
01:16:00,473 --> 01:16:02,683
[Tony] Kill Tony royalty.
1485
01:16:09,815 --> 01:16:14,153
{\an8}All right. Oh, this is nice. Good.
1486
01:16:15,029 --> 01:16:18,657
{\an8}Baby, I just got back from San Jose.
1487
01:16:19,575 --> 01:16:22,620
Man, they got a lot of Asians there.
1488
01:16:22,703 --> 01:16:23,662
[crowd laughing]
1489
01:16:23,746 --> 01:16:26,082
They got so many Asians in San Jose,
1490
01:16:26,165 --> 01:16:30,086
they got to change the name
of that town to Jose-San. All right.
1491
01:16:30,169 --> 01:16:31,337
[crowd laughing]
1492
01:16:31,420 --> 01:16:34,381
I drove, I'm getting used
to driving in America. It's weird.
1493
01:16:34,465 --> 01:16:36,926
You may not know this
about the rest of the world,
1494
01:16:37,009 --> 01:16:40,805
but usually the speed limit
is used to limit the speed.
1495
01:16:40,888 --> 01:16:42,681
[crowd laughing]
1496
01:16:42,765 --> 01:16:44,266
And here the speed limit is just
1497
01:16:44,350 --> 01:16:47,186
to let you know what the pussies
are gonna be doing today.
1498
01:16:47,269 --> 01:16:50,022
[crowd laughing]
1499
01:16:50,106 --> 01:16:52,233
- Yeah, baby!
- [crowd cheering, applauding]
1500
01:16:52,316 --> 01:16:56,320
Everybody else is just out there
feeling out the vibe.
1501
01:16:57,279 --> 01:17:00,157
I don't know what the speed limit is.
I'm watching what other people are doing.
1502
01:17:00,241 --> 01:17:01,492
I'm doing that.
1503
01:17:02,284 --> 01:17:03,911
They can't arrest everybody.
1504
01:17:04,745 --> 01:17:06,831
They don't have the manpower,
they can't afford it.
1505
01:17:06,914 --> 01:17:10,626
They gotta put a military base on Guam,
whatever it's called.
1506
01:17:11,627 --> 01:17:15,172
Mate, you guys invented the speed camera
and then you made it illegal.
1507
01:17:15,256 --> 01:17:16,674
[crowd laughing]
1508
01:17:16,757 --> 01:17:17,925
That's wisdom.
1509
01:17:20,177 --> 01:17:23,222
In Texas, I mean, do you know why--
1510
01:17:23,305 --> 01:17:25,349
They say
there's no speed cameras in Texas,
1511
01:17:25,432 --> 01:17:27,518
'cause they are unconstitutional.
1512
01:17:27,601 --> 01:17:31,272
[crowd cheering, applauding]
1513
01:17:31,355 --> 01:17:34,733
I mean, that is obviously
a very good lawyer though, right?
1514
01:17:35,484 --> 01:17:38,362
I mean, listen, I love the result.
1515
01:17:38,904 --> 01:17:42,116
But what, we're saying
that 150-whatever years ago
1516
01:17:42,199 --> 01:17:43,951
when they wrote the Constitution,
1517
01:17:44,743 --> 01:17:45,953
there was a guy there going...
1518
01:17:46,036 --> 01:17:49,874
[in rustic accent]
"If ever, one day in the future,
1519
01:17:49,957 --> 01:17:56,046
a genius should devise
a vehicle capable of moving faster
1520
01:17:56,130 --> 01:17:58,841
than 100 horses combined...
1521
01:17:58,924 --> 01:18:00,092
[crowd laughing]
1522
01:18:00,176 --> 01:18:06,724
...and if there was a second invention
capable of rendering speed into a number,
1523
01:18:08,058 --> 01:18:11,478
why, it would be fine
to use those inventions separately,
1524
01:18:11,562 --> 01:18:13,814
- but never together."
- [crowd laughing]
1525
01:18:13,898 --> 01:18:17,693
"We must keep those inventions separate
but equal, I do believe."
1526
01:18:17,776 --> 01:18:20,362
[in normal voice]
I love driving in this country, baby.
1527
01:18:20,446 --> 01:18:23,157
- [crowd cheering, applauding]
- Yes, I love it.
1528
01:18:24,200 --> 01:18:26,744
But they--
Sometimes there are speed cameras,
1529
01:18:26,827 --> 01:18:29,455
they got no consequences at all.
1530
01:18:29,538 --> 01:18:31,582
There'll be a sign by the side of the road
1531
01:18:31,665 --> 01:18:34,793
that says the speed limit's 65,
you're doing 98.
1532
01:18:35,628 --> 01:18:38,547
And then it flashes
like I won a high score.
1533
01:18:39,173 --> 01:18:41,800
It doesn't send me a letter
in the mail or anything,
1534
01:18:41,884 --> 01:18:44,970
- it just goes, "Hey. Sick, brother."
- [crowd laughing]
1535
01:18:45,054 --> 01:18:48,724
"You've almost cracked triple digits,
well done, believe in yourself."
1536
01:18:49,600 --> 01:18:52,770
I love driving in America,
turn signals, you don't need them.
1537
01:18:54,271 --> 01:18:57,691
'Cause you got a right to privacy
in this country. You understand?
1538
01:18:58,317 --> 01:19:01,362
It's nobody else's business
what lane I'm moving into.
1539
01:19:01,445 --> 01:19:05,324
- That's between me and God.
- [crowd cheering, applauding]
1540
01:19:05,407 --> 01:19:08,285
[James] And the Toyota Sienna
I have clipped.
1541
01:19:09,453 --> 01:19:12,665
And our respective insurance companies.
[blows kiss]
1542
01:19:13,249 --> 01:19:17,127
- How long am I supposed to do? All right.
- [crowd laughing]
1543
01:19:17,211 --> 01:19:20,047
I drive a minivan.
I don't care. I'll tell you.
1544
01:19:21,006 --> 01:19:25,511
I got three kids. I got a six-year-old,
four-year-old, and a three-year-old,
1545
01:19:26,095 --> 01:19:30,307
- and another one on the way. Yeah.
- [crowd cheering, applauding]
1546
01:19:30,391 --> 01:19:34,019
Don't cheer me.
Come and help me. I need help.
1547
01:19:34,103 --> 01:19:35,771
[crowd laughing]
1548
01:19:35,854 --> 01:19:38,315
People say, "This is the most
magical time of your life."
1549
01:19:38,399 --> 01:19:40,401
I say, "Get over to my fucking house."
1550
01:19:40,484 --> 01:19:44,113
"I'd like to take a shower,
be a part of the magic. Look after her."
1551
01:19:44,655 --> 01:19:47,950
My wife is pregnant again.
She's got that illness during pregnancy
1552
01:19:48,033 --> 01:19:50,995
where she has to lie in bed all day
and be mean to me.
1553
01:19:51,078 --> 01:19:54,707
And I'm there, I drive my children
around in the minivan.
1554
01:19:55,457 --> 01:19:59,503
I like driving the minivan because no one
fucks with you in a minivan.
1555
01:20:00,212 --> 01:20:04,633
Amen. You see someone
driving a Cybertruck, honk them.
1556
01:20:05,342 --> 01:20:07,094
Cut them off. It doesn't matter.
1557
01:20:07,177 --> 01:20:10,431
There's a skinny man who works
for Google driving that Cybertruck.
1558
01:20:10,514 --> 01:20:12,016
You can take him in a fight.
1559
01:20:12,099 --> 01:20:14,810
You could kill him
with a single blow, ladies.
1560
01:20:14,893 --> 01:20:16,437
[crowd laughing]
1561
01:20:16,520 --> 01:20:19,440
But a minivan,
everybody sees the minivan and they go,
1562
01:20:19,523 --> 01:20:21,984
"Oh, they're having a bad day.
I'm going to leave them alone."
1563
01:20:22,067 --> 01:20:27,072
"They don't need it."
For every day is a bad day in the minivan.
1564
01:20:27,156 --> 01:20:28,115
[crowd laughing]
1565
01:20:28,782 --> 01:20:32,536
I got my son screaming at me
in the backseat, "Give me an apple."
1566
01:20:33,287 --> 01:20:36,081
"I don't have an apple
for you right now, mate."
1567
01:20:36,165 --> 01:20:37,458
"You already had one apple."
1568
01:20:37,541 --> 01:20:39,960
"It's lost in the car.
We'll never see it again."
1569
01:20:40,669 --> 01:20:42,046
He goes, "Daddy, I want an apple."
1570
01:20:42,129 --> 01:20:43,839
"I don't have two apples for you, mate."
1571
01:20:43,922 --> 01:20:45,257
"Daddy, I need an apple now."
1572
01:20:45,341 --> 01:20:49,803
I say, "Please, mate, Daddy's trying
to do 98 in the 65."
1573
01:20:49,887 --> 01:20:52,056
- "Now's not a good time."
- [crowd laughing, applauding]
1574
01:20:52,139 --> 01:20:56,477
I have to leave. God bless you.
God bless America. God bless Kill Tony.
1575
01:20:56,560 --> 01:20:58,479
- [Tony] What a performance!
- [upbeat music playing]
1576
01:20:58,562 --> 01:21:01,273
- [crowd cheering, applauding]
- [Tony] Wow!
1577
01:21:02,358 --> 01:21:08,280
Taking the ball and absolutely running
with it all the way to the end zone.
1578
01:21:08,364 --> 01:21:10,407
- James McCann.
- [music concludes]
1579
01:21:11,325 --> 01:21:13,369
- Holy shit.
- No, don't go.
1580
01:21:13,452 --> 01:21:16,205
- Take a moment. Come here.
- Stay up here, brother.
1581
01:21:16,872 --> 01:21:17,873
When you said,
1582
01:21:17,956 --> 01:21:20,167
"I don't know how long
I'm supposed to go,"
1583
01:21:20,250 --> 01:21:22,961
you can keep going, man.
I wanted to hear more.
1584
01:21:23,045 --> 01:21:25,172
- I wanted to hear more.
- [crowd cheering, applauding]
1585
01:21:25,255 --> 01:21:27,174
- [Tony] Yeah.
- Well...
1586
01:21:27,257 --> 01:21:28,717
You are funny.
1587
01:21:28,801 --> 01:21:30,344
- You killed it.
- Yeah.
1588
01:21:30,427 --> 01:21:34,890
That "hundred horses combined"
fucking murdered me.
1589
01:21:34,973 --> 01:21:36,934
- That was hilarious.
- [James] Thank you, Rob Schneider.
1590
01:21:37,017 --> 01:21:39,520
[Rob] That was hilarious.
You got the whole package.
1591
01:21:39,603 --> 01:21:42,231
You didn't waste one second
of time out here.
1592
01:21:42,314 --> 01:21:46,735
You own that stage and you murder
in front of 15,000 people on Netflix.
1593
01:21:46,819 --> 01:21:48,112
- Yep.
- Congratulations.
1594
01:21:48,195 --> 01:21:49,988
Thank you, Rob Schneider.
1595
01:21:50,072 --> 01:21:53,492
- That's very nice. I appreciate that.
- [crowd cheering, applauding]
1596
01:21:53,575 --> 01:21:58,872
That is the definition
of a breakout performance. Roseanne Barr.
1597
01:21:59,415 --> 01:22:03,335
- You came and you ate.
- [crowd cheering]
1598
01:22:03,419 --> 01:22:06,922
- [James] Thank you, Roseanne.
- You left no crumbs.
1599
01:22:07,005 --> 01:22:09,049
You left no fucking crumbs.
1600
01:22:09,133 --> 01:22:13,429
You gobbled it all.
You swallowed it down in one big gulp.
1601
01:22:14,179 --> 01:22:16,306
You left nothing for nobody else.
1602
01:22:16,390 --> 01:22:18,892
That almost sounded like a compliment
at the start of that.
1603
01:22:18,976 --> 01:22:21,270
Yeah, no. She means good.
She means you killed.
1604
01:22:21,353 --> 01:22:23,814
- What I'm saying to you is...
- You killed.
1605
01:22:23,897 --> 01:22:28,110
- ...you fucking killed, a star is born.
- A lot of times when you say--
1606
01:22:28,193 --> 01:22:31,280
Oh, whoa. That's so nice.
Thank you, Roseanne.
1607
01:22:31,363 --> 01:22:33,949
Well, I don't know what to say.
I'm all embarrassed now.
1608
01:22:34,032 --> 01:22:36,076
- [crowd cheering, applauding]
- Yeah, just let me just...
1609
01:22:36,160 --> 01:22:39,079
Roseanne, you say "kill," good,
"ate it," bad.
1610
01:22:39,163 --> 01:22:40,747
That's all. You know, that's all.
1611
01:22:40,831 --> 01:22:44,710
No, he came to eat and he ate.
That's what it means.
1612
01:22:44,793 --> 01:22:47,880
- We all know what she meant, Rob.
- Yeah, we know what she meant.
1613
01:22:47,963 --> 01:22:51,300
Rob, you're out of it.
You're so fucking old. You're out of it.
1614
01:22:51,383 --> 01:22:53,218
- If you eat it--
- You're fucking old.
1615
01:22:53,302 --> 01:22:56,513
If you eat it...
If you eat it, it's not good.
1616
01:22:56,597 --> 01:22:58,140
No, I said he came--
1617
01:22:58,223 --> 01:23:00,100
- Not "eat it" like we used to say.
- Oh, okay.
1618
01:23:00,184 --> 01:23:03,520
Look, I've had a great time.
It's been great to be here.
1619
01:23:03,604 --> 01:23:05,856
We've got to get on
with this show, I think.
1620
01:23:05,939 --> 01:23:07,441
- [groovy music playing]
- Good night, everybody.
1621
01:23:07,524 --> 01:23:08,775
Thank you so much.
1622
01:23:08,859 --> 01:23:14,490
An Australian boy discovered
by Shane Gillis in Australia.
1623
01:23:14,573 --> 01:23:17,784
Shane brought him to America.
We all fell in love with him.
1624
01:23:17,868 --> 01:23:21,955
- Austin's own James McCann, everybody.
- [upbeat music playing]
1625
01:23:22,039 --> 01:23:23,332
[Tony] I gotta say...
1626
01:23:24,500 --> 01:23:29,254
I have not seen
a shocking breakout performance like that
1627
01:23:30,130 --> 01:23:34,676
since one hour, 55 minutes
into the roast of Tom Brady.
1628
01:23:35,886 --> 01:23:38,639
There was this young buck,
got up from a table,
1629
01:23:38,722 --> 01:23:41,183
made the most of it, changed his own life.
1630
01:23:41,266 --> 01:23:43,602
How about one more time for James McCann?
1631
01:23:43,685 --> 01:23:46,522
[crowd cheering, applauding]
1632
01:23:46,605 --> 01:23:48,607
Now, this is a very exciting moment.
1633
01:23:48,690 --> 01:23:51,485
This is out of our normal bucket,
ladies and gentlemen.
1634
01:23:51,568 --> 01:23:55,072
I've been lucky enough
to draw one of our great crew members
1635
01:23:55,155 --> 01:23:58,242
that actually works with us,
helped set up everything today.
1636
01:23:58,325 --> 01:24:02,663
Ladies and gentlemen,
I present to you our Dusty, everybody.
1637
01:24:02,746 --> 01:24:06,124
[crowd cheering, applauding]
1638
01:24:09,545 --> 01:24:11,129
[music concludes]
1639
01:24:11,213 --> 01:24:15,384
I asked my mom the other day,
seeing as how she's so pro-choice,
1640
01:24:15,467 --> 01:24:18,387
why she decided to have me circumcised.
1641
01:24:18,470 --> 01:24:21,723
[crowd laughing]
1642
01:24:21,807 --> 01:24:25,018
She told me it was medically necessary.
1643
01:24:26,103 --> 01:24:29,439
I've read books. That's a lie.
She said, "Look here, smartass."
1644
01:24:29,982 --> 01:24:34,528
"When you were born, you had a condition
where you didn't have eyelids."
1645
01:24:35,070 --> 01:24:38,824
[crowd laughing]
1646
01:24:38,907 --> 01:24:44,371
"So, your father and I did you the service
of having you circumcised,
1647
01:24:44,454 --> 01:24:46,707
so that there was some skin to graft on."
1648
01:24:46,790 --> 01:24:49,126
[crowd laughing]
1649
01:24:49,209 --> 01:24:52,379
And before I could say a word, she said,
1650
01:24:52,921 --> 01:24:56,091
"Why else you think your daddy
always calls you cock-eyed?"
1651
01:24:56,174 --> 01:25:00,095
[crowd laughing, applauding]
1652
01:25:00,178 --> 01:25:03,140
- I'm Dusty, that's my time.
- Hey, Dusty.
1653
01:25:03,223 --> 01:25:05,809
- [crowd cheering, applauding]
- Fuck yeah, Dusty.
1654
01:25:05,892 --> 01:25:07,561
- Hey, Tony, how you doing?
- I love it.
1655
01:25:07,644 --> 01:25:11,106
You had no idea you were going up
until two minutes before that set,
1656
01:25:11,189 --> 01:25:12,816
and you made the most of the opportunity.
1657
01:25:12,899 --> 01:25:16,528
- How do you feel right now, Dusty?
- I feel amazing. God bless you all!
1658
01:25:16,612 --> 01:25:19,239
- [crowd cheering, applauding]
- Whoo!
1659
01:25:19,323 --> 01:25:21,700
[Tony] I love it. So fun.
1660
01:25:21,783 --> 01:25:26,371
All right, Dusty, what's going on in life?
What's something we don't know about you?
1661
01:25:26,997 --> 01:25:32,294
Uh, I work behind the scenes
with men getting out of prison
1662
01:25:32,377 --> 01:25:35,172
to show them a new way of living,
so they ain't got to go back.
1663
01:25:35,255 --> 01:25:38,675
- [Tony] Wow, look at that.
- [crowd cheering, applauding]
1664
01:25:38,759 --> 01:25:40,469
[gentle piano melody plays]
1665
01:25:40,552 --> 01:25:45,265
Amazing. Do you have any special tricks
to pull that off successfully?
1666
01:25:46,016 --> 01:25:49,186
- Jesus.
- Ah! Look at that.
1667
01:25:49,269 --> 01:25:52,147
- [gentle piano melody plays]
- [crowd cheering, applauding]
1668
01:25:52,230 --> 01:25:54,191
[Tony] So, what do you do?
You take them to church?
1669
01:25:54,274 --> 01:25:59,696
We work with them as they get moved
from maximum custody
1670
01:25:59,780 --> 01:26:01,156
to a lower custody level.
1671
01:26:01,239 --> 01:26:04,493
We start working with them
over the last 24 to 48 months
1672
01:26:04,576 --> 01:26:05,827
before they're released.
1673
01:26:05,911 --> 01:26:09,122
It's called Second Hope Ministries
in Louisville, Kentucky.
1674
01:26:09,206 --> 01:26:11,375
- [crowd cheering, applauding]
- They work with them.
1675
01:26:11,458 --> 01:26:15,253
They teach guys how to read,
how to fill out job applications.
1676
01:26:15,337 --> 01:26:16,838
Once they go to our classes,
1677
01:26:16,922 --> 01:26:21,051
we take them out to churches
and then take them back to the prison,
1678
01:26:21,134 --> 01:26:23,303
so that they're getting involved
in the world.
1679
01:26:23,387 --> 01:26:25,389
And then when they get out,
we walk beside them.
1680
01:26:25,472 --> 01:26:28,475
We don't just say,
"Oh, you're out now. Have at it."
1681
01:26:28,558 --> 01:26:30,686
- Wow.
- [gentle piano melody plays]
1682
01:26:30,769 --> 01:26:31,812
Incredible.
1683
01:26:31,895 --> 01:26:36,358
Can I ask, what has been
your biggest success story
1684
01:26:36,441 --> 01:26:38,068
of somebody that you helped?
1685
01:26:39,069 --> 01:26:44,866
Uh, honestly, we have had
a 0% recidivism rate in the last decade.
1686
01:26:44,950 --> 01:26:46,827
- That's a success story.
- [Gabriel] That's incredible.
1687
01:26:46,910 --> 01:26:48,286
[Rob] Yeah, that's amazing.
1688
01:26:49,121 --> 01:26:50,122
[Tony] That's incredible.
1689
01:26:50,205 --> 01:26:53,542
So, you take them out of jail
and you take them to churches.
1690
01:26:53,625 --> 01:26:56,378
Yes, we take them to church.
We get them jobs.
1691
01:26:56,920 --> 01:26:59,715
When they get out, we make sure
they got wallets and things.
1692
01:26:59,798 --> 01:27:01,466
Go ahead. I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to interrupt you, Tony.
1693
01:27:01,550 --> 01:27:04,344
No, it's good.
I was going to do a Church's Chicken joke
1694
01:27:04,428 --> 01:27:07,681
because I'm guessing
a lot of them are Black,
1695
01:27:07,764 --> 01:27:10,392
- but it's okay, it's over now.
- [bluesy piano lick plays]
1696
01:27:10,475 --> 01:27:14,688
So, after you give them wallets,
do they take yours or...?
1697
01:27:14,771 --> 01:27:17,107
- No, no, no.
- All right.
1698
01:27:17,190 --> 01:27:19,901
So, which waffle and chicken place
do they go to first?
1699
01:27:19,985 --> 01:27:21,194
Roscoe's, of course.
1700
01:27:21,278 --> 01:27:22,696
- [Rob] Of course, yeah.
- [Tony] Very good.
1701
01:27:22,779 --> 01:27:25,657
Well, hey, that's a beautiful thing
you're doing. And I got to say,
1702
01:27:25,741 --> 01:27:28,785
the joke too,
I heard a lot of free choice,
1703
01:27:28,869 --> 01:27:31,163
you know, choice jokes,
but I never heard that.
1704
01:27:31,246 --> 01:27:33,081
And that's a good angle on that.
1705
01:27:33,165 --> 01:27:34,833
- Thank you. Thank you.
- [Rob] Good delivery. Very funny.
1706
01:27:34,916 --> 01:27:36,918
And you're a great man.
You're doing great work.
1707
01:27:37,002 --> 01:27:39,296
And, you know,
it's kind of an amazing thing.
1708
01:27:39,379 --> 01:27:42,048
- How long you been doing stand-up again?
- Six years.
1709
01:27:42,132 --> 01:27:45,552
[Tony] Six years, which I believe
is longer than everybody else
1710
01:27:45,635 --> 01:27:47,929
that at least works on our crew
and everything like that.
1711
01:27:48,013 --> 01:27:52,476
And I'd imagine every Monday setting up
and breaking it down at the end
1712
01:27:52,559 --> 01:27:55,270
of every Monday and having to put it
in a truck and everything,
1713
01:27:55,353 --> 01:27:59,024
it can be exhausting watching people
that don't always prepare
1714
01:27:59,107 --> 01:28:01,067
and don't always, you know...
1715
01:28:01,151 --> 01:28:05,071
plan on it and it's got to be frustrating
because it's just a bucket
1716
01:28:05,155 --> 01:28:09,159
that has a mind of its own
and tonight you...
1717
01:28:11,411 --> 01:28:14,456
- got lucky, you got up here--
- With a minute to prepare, basically.
1718
01:28:14,539 --> 01:28:16,792
- [Tony] Yeah. Yeah, and it's...
- [Gabriel] That's awesome.
1719
01:28:16,875 --> 01:28:19,586
...it's perhaps your good karma
and it's a testament
1720
01:28:19,669 --> 01:28:22,255
for, you know, enjoying the process
1721
01:28:22,339 --> 01:28:26,259
and your time happens
because now, you're on Netflix in an arena
1722
01:28:26,343 --> 01:28:28,970
- in your hometown and...
- Amen.
1723
01:28:29,054 --> 01:28:30,347
- [crowd cheering, applauding]
- Whoo!
1724
01:28:30,430 --> 01:28:31,932
[Tony] Roseanne Barr.
1725
01:28:32,015 --> 01:28:36,228
Well, I think you're funny.
I think you have good stage presence.
1726
01:28:36,311 --> 01:28:41,399
I don't like your joke about penises,
and I think it was cockeyed.
1727
01:28:41,483 --> 01:28:45,946
And I think that the help you
offer people is probably cockeyed too.
1728
01:28:46,488 --> 01:28:51,785
But I think that you
should get some jokes about,
1729
01:28:51,868 --> 01:28:54,287
you know, that aren't about cocks.
1730
01:28:54,788 --> 01:28:55,831
[Dusty] Yes, ma'am.
1731
01:28:55,914 --> 01:29:00,085
Especially if you're helping people
who are drug addicts and low,
1732
01:29:00,168 --> 01:29:05,924
you know, low on the spiritual level
and you're, like, about spiritual shit.
1733
01:29:06,007 --> 01:29:10,345
So, get some jokes about that
instead of penis material.
1734
01:29:10,428 --> 01:29:12,180
You know what I mean? It don't fit
1735
01:29:12,264 --> 01:29:15,559
to be about penises
when you're trying to lift...
1736
01:29:15,642 --> 01:29:19,104
- [crowd jeering]
- Shut the fuck up!
1737
01:29:20,021 --> 01:29:21,648
Shut the fuck up!
1738
01:29:21,731 --> 01:29:23,608
- Have some respect.
- Yeah!
1739
01:29:24,234 --> 01:29:25,944
I don't like him talking
1740
01:29:26,027 --> 01:29:28,905
about cock-eyed shit
when he's trying to save people
1741
01:29:28,989 --> 01:29:32,367
and send them to heaven.
And you know I'm right.
1742
01:29:32,450 --> 01:29:34,327
- Fuck off. I'm right.
- [laughs]
1743
01:29:34,411 --> 01:29:37,205
- Fuck you all. Fuck you.
- [crowd jeering]
1744
01:29:37,289 --> 01:29:40,458
My mama would have said the same thing,
Miss Roseanne. You're right.
1745
01:29:40,542 --> 01:29:42,794
Well, you should listen to me
and your mother
1746
01:29:42,878 --> 01:29:46,089
because I'm channeling her
right now to tell you the truth.
1747
01:29:46,172 --> 01:29:49,092
You get some clean jokes
to straighten up these people's lives.
1748
01:29:49,175 --> 01:29:50,176
Amen.
1749
01:29:50,260 --> 01:29:52,512
- I'm telling you the truth.
- [crowd jeering]
1750
01:29:52,596 --> 01:29:53,722
Hail Satan.
1751
01:29:53,805 --> 01:29:55,765
Roseanne's gonna put
a curse on all of you.
1752
01:29:55,849 --> 01:29:58,810
I'm warning you,
you do not boo this queen.
1753
01:29:58,894 --> 01:30:00,061
How about a hand for Dusty,
1754
01:30:00,145 --> 01:30:02,230
- ladies and gentlemen?
- [Dusty] Yeah!
1755
01:30:02,314 --> 01:30:05,525
- [groovy music playing]
- [crowd cheering, applauding]
1756
01:30:05,609 --> 01:30:08,778
All right. To the Legends bucket we go.
1757
01:30:08,862 --> 01:30:10,196
Believe it or not,
1758
01:30:10,280 --> 01:30:12,657
- there's more, everybody.
- [music concludes]
1759
01:30:12,741 --> 01:30:15,493
And your next comedian,
Dusty, get the fuck out of here.
1760
01:30:15,577 --> 01:30:18,038
Go. You know better.
Get the fuck... All right.
1761
01:30:18,121 --> 01:30:19,456
[mellow drum music playing]
1762
01:30:19,539 --> 01:30:21,666
How about another hand
for Heidi and Val, everybody?
1763
01:30:21,750 --> 01:30:26,338
A lot of drinks on this table tonight.
They're working overtime here.
1764
01:30:26,421 --> 01:30:28,340
- [car horn sound effect plays]
- [crowd applauding]
1765
01:30:28,423 --> 01:30:32,135
- There they are, everybody.
- [clown horn sound effect plays]
1766
01:30:32,218 --> 01:30:33,345
Awooga!
1767
01:30:33,428 --> 01:30:36,306
Hey, Tony, real quick.
Can I toast the audience?
1768
01:30:36,389 --> 01:30:37,891
- Yes, absolutely.
- Let's do it.
1769
01:30:37,974 --> 01:30:43,063
Ladies and gentlemen, Austin, Texas,
thank you for spending New Year's with us.
1770
01:30:43,146 --> 01:30:44,856
- [crowd cheering]
- Hell yeah.
1771
01:30:44,940 --> 01:30:46,149
Here's to Kill Tony.
1772
01:30:46,232 --> 01:30:49,611
[Tony] Here's to Fluffy,
Rob Schneider, Roseanne Barr,
1773
01:30:49,694 --> 01:30:54,240
and this dirtball, Brian Redban,
everybody. Happy New Year, everyone.
1774
01:30:54,324 --> 01:30:56,117
[crowd cheering]
1775
01:30:56,201 --> 01:30:58,328
And I pulled another legend
out of the bucket.
1776
01:30:58,411 --> 01:31:01,122
Fitting that we're cheersing right now
because this
1777
01:31:01,206 --> 01:31:03,458
is one of my favorite drinking buddies
in the world.
1778
01:31:03,541 --> 01:31:07,796
One of the best comedians in the world,
had the special of the year this year.
1779
01:31:07,879 --> 01:31:10,340
This is a brand-new set
from the one and only...
1780
01:31:10,423 --> 01:31:11,633
Joe DeRosa!
1781
01:31:11,716 --> 01:31:15,887
- [funky music playing]
- [crowd cheering, applauding]
1782
01:31:19,349 --> 01:31:20,850
[music concludes]
1783
01:31:20,934 --> 01:31:23,144
Austin, what's going on?
1784
01:31:23,228 --> 01:31:27,107
- [crowd cheering]
- Oh!
1785
01:31:28,483 --> 01:31:29,859
I love this fucking city.
1786
01:31:29,943 --> 01:31:32,237
{\an8}[crowd cheering]
1787
01:31:32,320 --> 01:31:34,280
{\an8}I drink way too much.
1788
01:31:34,948 --> 01:31:37,242
{\an8}I drink way too much in Austin.
1789
01:31:38,576 --> 01:31:42,330
I went to my doctor the other day.
My doctor said, "I got bad news, man."
1790
01:31:42,414 --> 01:31:43,873
"You got fatty liver."
1791
01:31:45,041 --> 01:31:49,170
I said, "Doc, I got bad news.
We don't talk that way anymore."
1792
01:31:50,296 --> 01:31:51,589
"That's offensive."
1793
01:31:53,091 --> 01:31:54,884
My doctor said,
"Well, if you don't like that,
1794
01:31:54,968 --> 01:31:56,344
you're going to hate this."
1795
01:31:56,886 --> 01:32:00,306
- "Your heart's half a fag."
- [crowd laughing]
1796
01:32:00,390 --> 01:32:02,058
Jesus Christ, Doc.
1797
01:32:03,893 --> 01:32:06,771
I love to drink for two reasons.
Number one, it's awesome.
1798
01:32:08,440 --> 01:32:11,192
Number two, I hate weed.
1799
01:32:12,277 --> 01:32:15,780
- Weed is-- Oh.
- [crowd booing]
1800
01:32:15,864 --> 01:32:19,909
Go fuck yourselves, you burnouts.
Shut the fuck up.
1801
01:32:22,620 --> 01:32:26,958
For everybody that just booed,
grow the fuck up and go to a bar.
1802
01:32:27,667 --> 01:32:30,128
- That's what adults do.
- [crowd cheering, applauding]
1803
01:32:30,211 --> 01:32:31,796
That's what adults do.
1804
01:32:32,380 --> 01:32:36,509
Grow the fuck up and go to a bar
to work on your troubles.
1805
01:32:38,303 --> 01:32:42,557
You sit on a stool and you stare
into a mirror and you do shots
1806
01:32:42,640 --> 01:32:44,100
until you numb it all away.
1807
01:32:44,684 --> 01:32:46,144
All right? Yeah.
1808
01:32:46,895 --> 01:32:51,232
Don't eat a cookie and have a panic attack
for three hours on your sofa.
1809
01:32:51,316 --> 01:32:53,568
[crowd laughing, applauding]
1810
01:32:53,651 --> 01:32:56,696
"Why isn't my life
the way I want it to be?"
1811
01:32:56,780 --> 01:32:58,281
'Cause you're a fucking loser,
1812
01:32:58,364 --> 01:33:00,825
you can't even get
to the bar to work on yourself.
1813
01:33:00,909 --> 01:33:03,161
[crowd laughing]
1814
01:33:04,245 --> 01:33:08,416
I am so tired of weed
getting this higher praise
1815
01:33:08,500 --> 01:33:11,127
like it's a purer substance than alcohol.
1816
01:33:11,211 --> 01:33:14,130
Guys, all you're doing
is getting drunk, okay?
1817
01:33:14,214 --> 01:33:16,883
So stop with the medicinal bullshit.
1818
01:33:16,966 --> 01:33:19,719
Enough. "No, no, it's not true."
1819
01:33:19,803 --> 01:33:23,640
"My weed, my weed,
it helps me reduce my anxiety,
1820
01:33:23,723 --> 01:33:27,143
and it helps me focus,
and it elevates my mood."
1821
01:33:27,227 --> 01:33:29,562
That's all the same shit that booze does.
1822
01:33:29,646 --> 01:33:31,815
[crowd laughing, applauding]
1823
01:33:31,898 --> 01:33:35,652
Trust me, people,
you will never feel more calm and focused
1824
01:33:36,152 --> 01:33:41,533
than after you slam six Jack Daniels
and rip a fat fucking rail
1825
01:33:41,616 --> 01:33:44,244
off the back of a toilet tank
in a bar bathroom.
1826
01:33:44,327 --> 01:33:47,497
[crowd cheering, applauding]
1827
01:33:47,580 --> 01:33:49,457
You will be at your best.
1828
01:33:50,542 --> 01:33:55,004
Centered. Confident. Very confident.
1829
01:33:56,673 --> 01:34:00,009
"My edibles help me sleep."
You mean pass out?
1830
01:34:00,093 --> 01:34:01,511
[crowd laughing]
1831
01:34:01,594 --> 01:34:05,348
That's not new science, guys.
I've been doing that shit for decades.
1832
01:34:06,141 --> 01:34:08,268
You get fucked up and you pass out.
1833
01:34:09,602 --> 01:34:14,440
People smoking this shit while they drive.
The audacity of you cunts.
1834
01:34:15,400 --> 01:34:19,237
The audacity.
As an alcoholic, that offends me.
1835
01:34:19,320 --> 01:34:20,947
[crowd laughing]
1836
01:34:21,030 --> 01:34:25,243
That offends me that you smoke this shit
while you're driving me around.
1837
01:34:25,326 --> 01:34:27,245
And I'll call my friends out on it,
and they go,
1838
01:34:27,328 --> 01:34:29,998
"No, no, no, makes me a better driver.
It's all good."
1839
01:34:30,081 --> 01:34:32,375
They all love to say that.
"Makes me a better driver."
1840
01:34:32,458 --> 01:34:34,294
No, it doesn't. It just turns real life
1841
01:34:34,377 --> 01:34:37,005
- into Mario Kart, okay?
- [crowd laughing]
1842
01:34:37,088 --> 01:34:40,466
Just 'cause you're having more fun
doesn't mean you're better at it.
1843
01:34:41,467 --> 01:34:45,305
I'm offended. I'm gonna start
doing to my weed friends with booze
1844
01:34:45,388 --> 01:34:49,267
what they do to me with weed.
I want to see how they fucking like it.
1845
01:34:49,767 --> 01:34:52,729
"Hey, guys, before I drive us
out of the mall,
1846
01:34:52,812 --> 01:34:56,065
I'm just gonna rip
this Tito's bottle four or five times."
1847
01:34:56,149 --> 01:34:59,068
[crowd laughing, applauding]
1848
01:34:59,152 --> 01:35:01,196
What? It makes me a better driver.
1849
01:35:02,655 --> 01:35:05,200
"It makes me a better driver,"
which it does!
1850
01:35:06,576 --> 01:35:07,619
Which it does.
1851
01:35:07,702 --> 01:35:10,079
But one is frowned upon
and the other isn't.
1852
01:35:10,163 --> 01:35:11,122
Why is that?
1853
01:35:11,789 --> 01:35:14,292
Why is drinking and driving frowned upon?
1854
01:35:15,376 --> 01:35:17,128
I can promise you this, people.
1855
01:35:17,212 --> 01:35:21,174
I am never more focused
behind the wheel of a car
1856
01:35:21,758 --> 01:35:24,093
than when I am fucked up.
1857
01:35:24,177 --> 01:35:26,179
[crowd laughing]
1858
01:35:26,262 --> 01:35:28,181
I am dialed in. [exhales]
1859
01:35:28,264 --> 01:35:30,850
Stay between the lines.
You got this shit right now.
1860
01:35:32,060 --> 01:35:33,102
Goddamn.
1861
01:35:35,355 --> 01:35:38,274
When I'm driving sober,
I'm texting people,
1862
01:35:39,400 --> 01:35:41,319
cursing at people out the window,
1863
01:35:41,402 --> 01:35:44,239
chasing a guy down the freeway
'cause he cut me off.
1864
01:35:44,322 --> 01:35:47,533
- It's fucking psychotic.
- [crowd laughing]
1865
01:35:47,617 --> 01:35:49,202
When I'm drunk, I'm like,
1866
01:35:49,285 --> 01:35:52,455
nope, there are rules of the road
to be abided by right now.
1867
01:35:53,623 --> 01:35:57,752
- Now is not the time for distractions.
- [crowd cheering, applauding]
1868
01:35:57,835 --> 01:36:00,088
Austin, Kill Tony, thank you.
1869
01:36:00,171 --> 01:36:01,798
- One of the best...
- Thank you.
1870
01:36:01,881 --> 01:36:06,135
...in the world,
ladies and gentlemen, Joe DeRosa.
1871
01:36:06,219 --> 01:36:08,012
- I love you guys.
- [Tony] We love you.
1872
01:36:08,096 --> 01:36:12,892
Let me just say, you know,
you are one of the senior veterans
1873
01:36:12,976 --> 01:36:17,355
out of the Legends bucket tonight,
a true, true, I mean, active.
1874
01:36:17,438 --> 01:36:22,193
Everyone's saying
that your special this year,
1875
01:36:22,277 --> 01:36:25,280
without a doubt,
2025 special of the year,
1876
01:36:25,363 --> 01:36:27,699
and especially amongst your peers,
1877
01:36:27,782 --> 01:36:31,911
your comedians that you've been doing
this with for over two decades.
1878
01:36:31,995 --> 01:36:37,792
And even here tonight, what I loved,
which no one else was even able to do,
1879
01:36:37,875 --> 01:36:41,045
was at one point, you had the whole crowd,
1880
01:36:41,129 --> 01:36:44,132
80% of the crowd turned on you
during the weed part,
1881
01:36:44,215 --> 01:36:46,217
and then you won them back over.
1882
01:36:46,301 --> 01:36:48,594
I saw people that were booing...
1883
01:36:48,678 --> 01:36:51,639
- [Joe] Yeah.
- ...like buffoons 20 seconds into your set
1884
01:36:51,723 --> 01:36:54,225
that just got up
on their feet during your close,
1885
01:36:54,309 --> 01:36:55,768
which is fucking incredible.
1886
01:36:55,852 --> 01:36:58,604
- I had a feeling that was gonna happen.
- [Tony] Yeah.
1887
01:36:58,688 --> 01:37:01,190
Uh, James McCann warned me against it too.
1888
01:37:01,274 --> 01:37:02,483
- [Tony] Yeah.
- He's like...
1889
01:37:02,567 --> 01:37:04,777
[in Australian accent] "Really,
you're gonna go piss them all off?"
1890
01:37:04,861 --> 01:37:06,863
"Tell them you hate
the fucking thing they love?"
1891
01:37:06,946 --> 01:37:10,616
- Yeah. Amazing to roast that.
- Yeah, no, it was... it was-- Yeah.
1892
01:37:10,700 --> 01:37:12,076
Thank you, sir, for the finger.
1893
01:37:12,160 --> 01:37:13,536
- Thank you.
- [crowd laughing]
1894
01:37:13,619 --> 01:37:15,496
- Yes.
- [Tony laughs]
1895
01:37:15,580 --> 01:37:17,874
Brother, you are fearless.
1896
01:37:17,957 --> 01:37:20,752
The way that you did that,
I thought that was very impressive.
1897
01:37:20,835 --> 01:37:23,004
- Thank you, brother.
- Nobody got them to do that
1898
01:37:23,087 --> 01:37:25,214
and then brought it back
and got a standing ovation.
1899
01:37:25,298 --> 01:37:26,758
- Thank you, brother.
- Fucking bravo.
1900
01:37:26,841 --> 01:37:28,926
- You didn't let it waver-- Yeah.
- Bravo.
1901
01:37:29,010 --> 01:37:31,429
- You didn't let it rock you at all.
- Yeah.
1902
01:37:31,512 --> 01:37:32,847
- You used it.
- You stayed the course.
1903
01:37:32,930 --> 01:37:34,349
There's a very famous thing
1904
01:37:34,432 --> 01:37:36,893
where Bill Burr
was getting booed in Philadelphia.
1905
01:37:36,976 --> 01:37:39,103
And that was a little taste
of that tonight.
1906
01:37:39,187 --> 01:37:42,774
And you let it-- You turned them.
That's a huge accomplishment.
1907
01:37:42,857 --> 01:37:45,318
I just have to say that that was amazing.
1908
01:37:45,401 --> 01:37:47,403
- [Joe] Thank you, man.
- But I do have to say that
1909
01:37:47,487 --> 01:37:50,281
marijuana does reduce
my stress and helps my mood.
1910
01:37:50,365 --> 01:37:52,325
- [laughs]
- [crowd laughing, cheering]
1911
01:37:52,408 --> 01:37:56,162
You were the man in the arena, baby.
1912
01:37:56,245 --> 01:37:58,414
- Yeah.
- Oh, thank you.
1913
01:37:58,498 --> 01:38:02,752
- [crowd cheering, applauding]
- You... You were a boxer.
1914
01:38:02,835 --> 01:38:04,754
You were a boxer up there.
1915
01:38:04,837 --> 01:38:06,464
- Thank you.
- You were throwing jabs.
1916
01:38:06,547 --> 01:38:07,882
You were throwing left hooks.
1917
01:38:07,965 --> 01:38:10,593
You had the whole audience
as your opponent.
1918
01:38:10,676 --> 01:38:14,138
And you walked away the winner.
It was fantastic.
1919
01:38:14,222 --> 01:38:17,016
- Thank you.
- You're a great comic, a great writer.
1920
01:38:17,100 --> 01:38:19,102
- [Joe] Thank you.
- You took all the assumptions
1921
01:38:19,185 --> 01:38:22,105
- and just shoved them up everybody's ass.
- [laughs]
1922
01:38:22,188 --> 01:38:26,067
You were like, "Yeah, fuck you.
This is my opinion."
1923
01:38:26,150 --> 01:38:28,611
"This is America and you're gonna listen
1924
01:38:28,694 --> 01:38:31,280
and you're gonna laugh
and fuck you some more."
1925
01:38:31,364 --> 01:38:33,908
- That's fair.
- [Roseanne] And you won. You were great.
1926
01:38:33,991 --> 01:38:35,743
- [Tony] And--
- Roseanne, that means...
1927
01:38:35,827 --> 01:38:37,662
It means the world coming from all of you.
1928
01:38:37,745 --> 01:38:42,542
I got to tell you, I grew up with you.
And before I came down here tonight,
1929
01:38:42,625 --> 01:38:44,377
I called my mom
to wish her Happy New Year.
1930
01:38:44,460 --> 01:38:46,921
And I said, "Mom, I'm gonna meet
Roseanne Barr tonight."
1931
01:38:47,004 --> 01:38:49,173
And we were both so excited about it.
1932
01:38:49,257 --> 01:38:51,509
- It really means a lot to me to meet you.
- Thank you so much.
1933
01:38:51,592 --> 01:38:53,302
[Joe] I mean that, Roseanne.
You're a legend.
1934
01:38:53,386 --> 01:38:57,974
Well, you tell your mother
that I said she raised a genius
1935
01:38:58,057 --> 01:39:01,144
- and she should be very proud.
- Oh! That's sweet.
1936
01:39:01,227 --> 01:39:03,729
And, you know,
a big theme of the night is,
1937
01:39:03,813 --> 01:39:06,190
you know, like,
you greats have said, you know,
1938
01:39:06,274 --> 01:39:09,110
talk about stuff that you know,
talk about what's real to you,
1939
01:39:09,193 --> 01:39:10,236
and I promise you...
1940
01:39:10,319 --> 01:39:12,238
[chuckles] ...nobody knows how to drink
1941
01:39:12,321 --> 01:39:14,282
- more than Joe DeRosa.
- [crowd laughing]
1942
01:39:14,365 --> 01:39:17,160
So that is truly who he is,
one of my best friends,
1943
01:39:17,243 --> 01:39:20,079
one of my favorite comedians,
my favorite drinking buddy.
1944
01:39:20,163 --> 01:39:22,790
I love you guys. You and Redban,
thank you for everything, guys.
1945
01:39:22,874 --> 01:39:24,041
I love all of you. Thank you, guys.
1946
01:39:24,125 --> 01:39:26,335
- Appreciate it. Thanks, guys.
- The great Joe DeRosa, everybody.
1947
01:39:26,419 --> 01:39:28,337
- [crowd cheering, applauding]
- [groovy music playing]
1948
01:39:28,421 --> 01:39:33,676
And I gotta tell you,
I gotta warn everybody,
1949
01:39:35,428 --> 01:39:39,265
the roof is about to blow off
this joint right now
1950
01:39:39,348 --> 01:39:45,271
because I have a special surprise
for the entire Kill Tony universe
1951
01:39:45,354 --> 01:39:47,315
that you're not going to believe.
1952
01:39:47,398 --> 01:39:50,693
This is the return
of one of the greatest regulars
1953
01:39:50,776 --> 01:39:55,031
in the history of the show, a 26-year-old
1954
01:39:55,114 --> 01:39:57,617
- that accomplished the unthinkable...
- [cheers]
1955
01:39:57,700 --> 01:40:00,995
...by going from being a Kill Tony regular
1956
01:40:01,078 --> 01:40:04,999
to being a full-time cast member
on Saturday Night Live.
1957
01:40:05,082 --> 01:40:09,462
And now he's back home in Austin, Texas.
1958
01:40:09,545 --> 01:40:12,048
This is Kam Patterson.
1959
01:40:12,131 --> 01:40:16,636
[crowd cheering, applauding]
1960
01:40:24,894 --> 01:40:27,688
- [music concludes]
- [cheering, applause continues]
1961
01:40:28,814 --> 01:40:32,568
[laughs]
1962
01:40:37,573 --> 01:40:38,950
{\an8}[laughs]
1963
01:40:39,575 --> 01:40:42,495
{\an8}What's up? What it do, man?
1964
01:40:42,578 --> 01:40:47,500
- [cheering, applause continues]
- Um... [laughs]
1965
01:40:48,417 --> 01:40:50,503
I gotta go. I gotta go.
1966
01:40:50,586 --> 01:40:53,339
Hey, listen. I'm, uh...
1967
01:40:53,422 --> 01:40:56,342
I'm on SNL now, dawg.
It's pretty cool, bruh.
1968
01:40:56,425 --> 01:40:58,386
- [crowd cheering, applauding]
- It's dope.
1969
01:40:58,469 --> 01:41:01,222
I like it, man.
You know what's crazy? It's...
1970
01:41:01,305 --> 01:41:05,351
I think people are more excited for me
than I am for myself, though.
1971
01:41:05,434 --> 01:41:07,311
Like, people keep saying,
"Congratulations."
1972
01:41:07,395 --> 01:41:08,688
"Good job." "That's dope."
1973
01:41:08,771 --> 01:41:11,566
And I know how huge it is,
but understand something, bro.
1974
01:41:11,649 --> 01:41:14,610
I'm 26 and I'm Black.
I've never seen the show.
1975
01:41:14,694 --> 01:41:17,113
- I have...
- [crowd laughing]
1976
01:41:17,196 --> 01:41:20,783
...no idea what the fuck
I signed up for, dawg.
1977
01:41:20,866 --> 01:41:24,662
I'm kinda just there, man.
And listen, it's not the shit, not for me.
1978
01:41:24,745 --> 01:41:27,206
It's for white people,
really, dawg. They really--
1979
01:41:27,290 --> 01:41:30,626
They have on celebrities
I've never heard of in my life.
1980
01:41:30,710 --> 01:41:34,964
Like, we had on Glenn Powell at one point,
and I was like, "Who is that?" right?
1981
01:41:35,047 --> 01:41:39,010
And they was like, "He was in Top Gun."
And I was like, "Never seen it," right?
1982
01:41:39,093 --> 01:41:42,888
And then we had on Miles Teller,
and I was like, "Who is that?"
1983
01:41:42,972 --> 01:41:44,599
And they was like, "He was in Top Gun."
1984
01:41:44,682 --> 01:41:47,059
And I was like,
"I'm on to you niggas, man."
1985
01:41:47,852 --> 01:41:51,063
And I'ma be honest, bro.
I'ma keep it 100% with y'all, bro.
1986
01:41:51,731 --> 01:41:56,027
In the nicest way possible,
in the nicest way possible, it's gay.
1987
01:41:56,110 --> 01:41:58,029
- Like, it's really gay, dawg.
- [crowd laughing]
1988
01:41:58,112 --> 01:42:02,199
It's gay as fuck. Understand something.
I was on national television doing this.
1989
01:42:03,200 --> 01:42:05,411
[crowd laughing]
1990
01:42:05,494 --> 01:42:08,414
I've shot at somebody before.
You understand me?
1991
01:42:09,248 --> 01:42:12,251
You see how crazy that change is in life?
1992
01:42:12,335 --> 01:42:13,919
To go from "Come back here,
fuck, nigga," to...
1993
01:42:14,003 --> 01:42:16,130
[imitates laughter]
1994
01:42:16,213 --> 01:42:18,883
- That's insane, dawg.
- [crowd laughing, applauding]
1995
01:42:18,966 --> 01:42:21,677
One thing... One thing about the show...
1996
01:42:21,761 --> 01:42:23,220
I will say this,
and I'm gonna get out of here.
1997
01:42:23,304 --> 01:42:25,514
One thing I will say, bro, is...
1998
01:42:26,724 --> 01:42:29,644
One thing I don't like about it
is that they blew my spot up.
1999
01:42:29,727 --> 01:42:33,814
I was making good money
on stand-up comedy before I got SNL,
2000
01:42:33,898 --> 01:42:36,859
but my family had no idea
I was making money.
2001
01:42:36,942 --> 01:42:40,279
- Now, listen, this is a problem, dawg...
- [crowd laughing]
2002
01:42:40,363 --> 01:42:42,239
...'cause everybody need money now, man.
2003
01:42:42,323 --> 01:42:43,366
The issue is...
2004
01:42:44,241 --> 01:42:45,868
This is where the problem comes in.
2005
01:42:45,951 --> 01:42:48,829
I have no problem
helping nobody out with money.
2006
01:42:48,913 --> 01:42:52,708
I have no problem with that.
But if you need money, get to the point.
2007
01:42:52,792 --> 01:42:54,043
My auntie do a great job. She be like,
2008
01:42:54,126 --> 01:42:56,545
"Hey, nigga,
check your Cash App. Goodbye."
2009
01:42:56,629 --> 01:42:57,880
That's great.
2010
01:42:57,963 --> 01:42:59,965
She does a good job.
My cousins call me and go,
2011
01:43:00,049 --> 01:43:01,884
"Cuz, how you doing?"
2012
01:43:01,967 --> 01:43:03,052
"I'm proud of you."
2013
01:43:03,135 --> 01:43:04,136
"That's amazing."
2014
01:43:04,220 --> 01:43:05,388
"I'm so proud of you." And I go,
2015
01:43:05,471 --> 01:43:07,014
"Thanks, cuz. How are you doing?"
2016
01:43:07,098 --> 01:43:09,767
And they go, "Me?
I'm not doing good at all."
2017
01:43:09,850 --> 01:43:12,978
- [crowd laughing]
- "I'm in extreme debt right now."
2018
01:43:13,062 --> 01:43:16,649
"And if I don't get paid soon,
I have to eat my kids, dawg."
2019
01:43:16,732 --> 01:43:18,901
And I go, "How much money do you need?"
2020
01:43:18,984 --> 01:43:22,947
- And they go, "I just need 17,000 dollars"
- [crowd laughing]
2021
01:43:23,030 --> 01:43:27,827
Eat the kids, nigga. I can't help you.
You're fucked, man.
2022
01:43:28,494 --> 01:43:31,664
The funny thing to me, though,
is I like to tell my dad
2023
01:43:31,747 --> 01:43:33,457
that my cousins asked for money,
2024
01:43:33,541 --> 01:43:36,419
but I won't tell him
which cousin asked for the money.
2025
01:43:36,502 --> 01:43:37,753
So he gotta guess.
2026
01:43:37,837 --> 01:43:40,965
But he always guess wrong,
but his reasons make sense.
2027
01:43:41,048 --> 01:43:42,800
He be like, "Was it, Lil' Gerald?"
2028
01:43:42,883 --> 01:43:44,927
"You know Lil' Gerald smoke crack, right?"
2029
01:43:45,010 --> 01:43:47,346
"So if you gave Lil' Gerald
more than 200 dollars,
2030
01:43:47,430 --> 01:43:49,557
you killed that nigga,
you know that, right?"
2031
01:43:49,640 --> 01:43:51,851
- [crowd laughing]
- "You murdered Lil' Gerald."
2032
01:43:51,934 --> 01:43:54,562
I had no idea Lil' Gerald
smoked crack, dawg.
2033
01:43:54,645 --> 01:43:56,522
I thought he leaned like this for fun.
2034
01:43:56,605 --> 01:43:59,984
- I had no idea he did real drugs.
- [crowd laughing]
2035
01:44:00,067 --> 01:44:02,737
I know about one person in my family
that smoked real drugs.
2036
01:44:02,820 --> 01:44:04,905
One person. It's my Uncle Herb.
2037
01:44:04,989 --> 01:44:06,866
My Uncle Herb is a real crackhead.
2038
01:44:06,949 --> 01:44:10,453
Like, when crack came out, he was like,
this my shit forever now.
2039
01:44:10,536 --> 01:44:11,829
- He love it.
- [crowd laughing]
2040
01:44:11,912 --> 01:44:16,459
And he called and asked for money too,
but he make it fun for me.
2041
01:44:16,542 --> 01:44:19,128
He'll call with,
like, a whole movie storyline.
2042
01:44:19,211 --> 01:44:24,216
He'll be like, "Nephew,
you not gonna believe this shit here."
2043
01:44:24,300 --> 01:44:25,259
[crowd laughing]
2044
01:44:25,342 --> 01:44:29,138
"I got kidnapped,
and I'm tied up in a basement,
2045
01:44:29,221 --> 01:44:33,309
and I need 45 dollars,
and they said they'll let me go."
2046
01:44:33,392 --> 01:44:34,810
[crowd laughing]
2047
01:44:34,894 --> 01:44:37,646
And I said, "You right,
I don't believe you, man."
2048
01:44:38,147 --> 01:44:40,566
And he said, "What,
you want to talk to the kidnappers?"
2049
01:44:40,649 --> 01:44:42,610
And I said, "Yeah, put 'em on the phone."
2050
01:44:42,693 --> 01:44:45,571
It's another crackhead.
"We got your uncle, nigga."
2051
01:44:46,781 --> 01:44:50,951
"Come get your uncle."
And I send him money every time, dawg.
2052
01:44:51,035 --> 01:44:52,578
[crowd laughing]
2053
01:44:52,661 --> 01:44:56,457
What's funny is, I send him money,
but he don't hang up the phone in time.
2054
01:44:56,540 --> 01:44:59,585
So every time I send money,
he go, "Got his ass again."
2055
01:45:00,586 --> 01:45:03,589
"Who gon' kidnap a crackhead?
Nigga, that's crazy."
2056
01:45:03,672 --> 01:45:05,883
I've been Kam Pat, thank y'all so much.
2057
01:45:05,966 --> 01:45:09,678
- [Tony] Wow. He's back.
- [crowd cheering, applauding]
2058
01:45:09,762 --> 01:45:12,181
- [groovy music playing]
- Our very own...
2059
01:45:12,890 --> 01:45:16,811
- sweet, sweet Kam Patterson has returned.
- [music concludes]
2060
01:45:16,894 --> 01:45:19,271
- [indistinct chatter]
- And it brings me so much joy.
2061
01:45:20,231 --> 01:45:24,235
I mean, absolutely unbelievable.
Welcome home, my friend.
2062
01:45:24,318 --> 01:45:26,737
- [Kam] But it's great to be home, bro.
- Unbelievable.
2063
01:45:26,821 --> 01:45:28,405
- Hell yeah.
- Wow.
2064
01:45:28,489 --> 01:45:29,615
- Wow.
- Hell yeah.
2065
01:45:29,698 --> 01:45:31,992
- Hell yeah, man.
- [Rob] Listen, Kam,
2066
01:45:32,076 --> 01:45:34,662
I was on Saturday Night Live,
and I just want to tell you,
2067
01:45:34,745 --> 01:45:37,039
45 dollars, you got off light.
That's a good time.
2068
01:45:37,122 --> 01:45:40,292
You pay those ones.
But I have, you know, when I was in SNL,
2069
01:45:40,376 --> 01:45:42,670
and you have family members
who want money,
2070
01:45:42,753 --> 01:45:44,129
that's when it's important.
2071
01:45:44,630 --> 01:45:47,550
Now you develop
a really terrible gambling habit.
2072
01:45:47,633 --> 01:45:48,717
- [Kam laughs]
- [laughs]
2073
01:45:48,801 --> 01:45:50,553
[Rob] And just say, "I'm blowing it all."
2074
01:45:50,636 --> 01:45:52,221
"I'm sorry. There's nothing I can do.
I have a problem."
2075
01:45:52,304 --> 01:45:53,639
All that shit gone.
They gonna fuck though.
2076
01:45:53,722 --> 01:45:55,182
That's what I'm gonna say.
For sure, though.
2077
01:45:55,266 --> 01:45:56,976
- Just an idea, throwing it out there.
- Most def.
2078
01:45:57,059 --> 01:45:58,018
You don't have to use it.
2079
01:45:58,102 --> 01:45:59,603
- I'm just putting it out there.
- [Kam laughs]
2080
01:45:59,687 --> 01:46:00,688
[Tony] It is so funny.
2081
01:46:00,771 --> 01:46:05,609
I love the line that you were
making great money before SNL.
2082
01:46:05,693 --> 01:46:08,696
You were wildly successful before SNL,
2083
01:46:08,779 --> 01:46:12,074
but SNL let your family know
how much money you were--
2084
01:46:12,157 --> 01:46:14,535
I heard a huge cackle
from down there, and I look,
2085
01:46:14,618 --> 01:46:16,871
and it's Fluffy cracking up.
2086
01:46:16,954 --> 01:46:19,707
Like a man who's been
on these highest-grossing
2087
01:46:19,790 --> 01:46:22,960
comedian charts for a while
that gets hit up from family members.
2088
01:46:23,043 --> 01:46:25,337
- It seemed like it hit close to home.
- I get hit up all the time.
2089
01:46:25,421 --> 01:46:28,132
That's why a lot of times they're like,
"How come he doesn't post more?"
2090
01:46:28,215 --> 01:46:30,593
- 'Cause family's watching.
- [Tony laughs]
2091
01:46:30,676 --> 01:46:31,677
What's up, Netflix?
2092
01:46:31,760 --> 01:46:34,096
Anyway, yeah, I didn't even tell them
I was gonna be here tonight.
2093
01:46:34,179 --> 01:46:37,808
I'm gonna get a call tomorrow.
So, yeah, 45 bucks, I wish.
2094
01:46:37,892 --> 01:46:38,893
- [laughs]
- [laughs]
2095
01:46:38,976 --> 01:46:42,980
- [crowd laughing]
- Hey, no, your success is a sure thing.
2096
01:46:43,063 --> 01:46:45,024
You're a superstar, buddy.
You're a superstar.
2097
01:46:45,107 --> 01:46:46,609
- You got it, man.
- Thank you. Thank you.
2098
01:46:46,692 --> 01:46:49,570
You've got the whole thing.
SNL is gonna be good for you, man.
2099
01:46:49,653 --> 01:46:51,071
I really fuck with it, dawg.
2100
01:46:51,155 --> 01:46:53,240
After you start--
When you start making movies,
2101
01:46:53,324 --> 01:46:55,451
then they're gonna
really come after you, all right?
2102
01:46:55,534 --> 01:46:57,912
You're gonna have to change your address,
your number, and everything.
2103
01:46:57,995 --> 01:47:00,497
I already did all that shit, dawg.
They have no idea where I stay.
2104
01:47:00,581 --> 01:47:02,917
- [laughs]
- [crowd laughing]
2105
01:47:03,000 --> 01:47:04,126
[Tony] Roseanne Barr.
2106
01:47:04,209 --> 01:47:08,881
Well, I remember at the club
when Tony took me and he's like,
2107
01:47:08,964 --> 01:47:11,550
"Hey, I got somebody I want you to see."
2108
01:47:11,634 --> 01:47:13,594
- And I've told you this.
- Yes, ma'am.
2109
01:47:13,677 --> 01:47:16,680
And so he says, "Go over."
2110
01:47:16,764 --> 01:47:18,974
So we went over on the balcony
and you were--
2111
01:47:19,058 --> 01:47:21,894
I was looking
and you was down, you know... [coughs]
2112
01:47:21,977 --> 01:47:26,815
...in this half-circle little club,
and you were just--
2113
01:47:26,899 --> 01:47:30,027
I go, "Look at him,
he's just working that stage."
2114
01:47:30,110 --> 01:47:33,739
"He's using every inch of that stage,"
and he's like, "Look at him."
2115
01:47:33,822 --> 01:47:38,911
And I was like, oh, my God,
this... this is the...
2116
01:47:39,578 --> 01:47:41,538
whole new generation.
2117
01:47:42,247 --> 01:47:45,376
- This is...
- [crowd cheering, applauding]
2118
01:47:45,459 --> 01:47:47,044
I said to Tony,
2119
01:47:47,127 --> 01:47:51,966
"Oh, my God, he's everybody rolled up
into one and even better."
2120
01:47:52,049 --> 01:47:54,218
- Yeah.
- And, you know, I love you.
2121
01:47:54,301 --> 01:47:55,469
You're for real.
2122
01:47:55,552 --> 01:47:58,305
Your life is for real.
Your heart is for real.
2123
01:47:58,389 --> 01:48:00,015
Your jokes are for real.
2124
01:48:00,099 --> 01:48:01,558
- And I love you.
- [Tony] We all agree with that.
2125
01:48:01,642 --> 01:48:03,310
- I love you too, Roseanne.
- [crowd cheering, applauding]
2126
01:48:03,394 --> 01:48:05,187
- It is incredible.
- Thank you.
2127
01:48:05,980 --> 01:48:09,274
And I mean, I gotta tell you,
we've done a lot of these together.
2128
01:48:09,358 --> 01:48:11,860
We've done multiple
Madison Square Gardens,
2129
01:48:11,944 --> 01:48:16,907
the Forum in LA,
four arenas here in Austin before,
2130
01:48:16,991 --> 01:48:21,537
and I've never seen you quite
like you were in an arena tonight.
2131
01:48:21,620 --> 01:48:24,999
- It's-- To watch your growth is always--
- [crowd cheering, applauding]
2132
01:48:25,082 --> 01:48:28,961
It reminds us all
that we can all always just continue
2133
01:48:29,044 --> 01:48:31,171
to get better and grow and expand.
2134
01:48:31,255 --> 01:48:32,923
There's been a couple times
where you came out
2135
01:48:33,007 --> 01:48:34,717
- with a cup of water and a piece of paper...
- Yeah! [laughs]
2136
01:48:34,800 --> 01:48:36,051
- [laughs] ...trying to do magic.
- Hey!
2137
01:48:36,135 --> 01:48:40,556
Bro, the arena show, though,
I never had shit, dawg.
2138
01:48:40,639 --> 01:48:42,975
I'm up at that bitch like,
"What the fuck am I going to do?"
2139
01:48:43,058 --> 01:48:44,685
I had a little bit of time,
you know what I'm saying,
2140
01:48:44,768 --> 01:48:47,187
- figure some shit out, you feel me?
- I love it. I love it.
2141
01:48:47,271 --> 01:48:50,524
- You are the shit. I love you.
- [Kam] Love you too, Roseanne. Thank you.
2142
01:48:50,607 --> 01:48:55,738
Kam Patterson was born
and raised here in Kill Tony land,
2143
01:48:55,821 --> 01:48:58,991
and for you to be here tonight
means the world to us.
2144
01:48:59,074 --> 01:49:01,076
- Love it.
- [Tony] We love you forever.
2145
01:49:01,160 --> 01:49:04,079
You're always part of the family anytime.
2146
01:49:04,163 --> 01:49:07,916
I'm sure we'll see you
at Madison Square Garden in August.
2147
01:49:08,000 --> 01:49:10,794
[Rob] You're a superstar, a superstar.
2148
01:49:10,878 --> 01:49:13,672
[Tony] How loud can this place get
for the great Kam Patterson?
2149
01:49:13,756 --> 01:49:17,968
- [groovy music playing]
- [crowd cheering, applauding]
2150
01:49:18,052 --> 01:49:21,388
Setting a whole new precedent
for the expectations
2151
01:49:21,472 --> 01:49:25,726
and levels obtainable
by a Kill Tony regular.
2152
01:49:25,809 --> 01:49:27,019
It is amazing.
2153
01:49:27,770 --> 01:49:30,397
How about a hand
for these ladies again? Incredible.
2154
01:49:30,481 --> 01:49:31,648
Just amazing.
2155
01:49:32,274 --> 01:49:36,695
Well, the place is about to go nuts again,
I gotta warn you.
2156
01:49:37,196 --> 01:49:38,739
Ladies and gentlemen,
2157
01:49:38,822 --> 01:49:40,574
- another Golden Ticket winner...
- [music concludes]
2158
01:49:40,657 --> 01:49:43,660
...perhaps the greatest Golden Ticket winner
in the history of the show,
2159
01:49:43,744 --> 01:49:45,829
the only person who I'm afraid of,
2160
01:49:45,913 --> 01:49:49,416
the only person that can get me
to do whatever he possibly wants,
2161
01:49:49,500 --> 01:49:51,043
you know who it is.
2162
01:49:51,126 --> 01:49:56,465
This is the undeniable,
one and only, Timmy No Brakes!
2163
01:49:56,548 --> 01:50:00,677
- [dramatic hip-hop music playing]
- [crowd cheering, applauding]
2164
01:50:05,474 --> 01:50:06,475
[Timmy] All right.
2165
01:50:07,643 --> 01:50:09,103
I'm gonna level with you.
2166
01:50:10,270 --> 01:50:14,191
I was told tonight that I was gonna
get wired up and fly around.
2167
01:50:14,733 --> 01:50:16,985
[dramatic hip-hop music continues]
2168
01:50:17,069 --> 01:50:21,156
{\an8}And then right before I came on stage,
Tone fucked me.
2169
01:50:21,240 --> 01:50:22,866
{\an8}[crowd laughing]
2170
01:50:22,950 --> 01:50:26,078
{\an8}Apparently it's not happening,
it was too expensive.
2171
01:50:27,121 --> 01:50:29,873
So now everything I was planning
to do in the fucking air,
2172
01:50:29,957 --> 01:50:31,250
I'm doing on the ground.
2173
01:50:32,126 --> 01:50:35,796
And none of this shit
is gonna make any fucking sense.
2174
01:50:37,131 --> 01:50:39,591
♪ I'm up in the air, flying around ♪
2175
01:50:39,675 --> 01:50:42,219
♪ A harness on my body, wires around ♪
2176
01:50:42,302 --> 01:50:44,429
♪ Soaring through the air
I'm high off the ground ♪
2177
01:50:44,513 --> 01:50:47,266
♪ It's Timmy No Brakes, bitch
I'm not coming down ♪
2178
01:50:47,349 --> 01:50:49,518
♪ Now I'm on the other side of the arena ♪
2179
01:50:49,601 --> 01:50:52,104
♪ Holy shit, nice tits, bitch
Here's a subpoena ♪
2180
01:50:52,187 --> 01:50:54,648
♪ Take my dick out and piss
Right on that Latina ♪
2181
01:50:54,731 --> 01:50:57,442
♪ I'm up really high
You can still see my penis ♪
2182
01:50:57,526 --> 01:50:59,695
♪ Take your tits out
Take your butts out ♪
2183
01:50:59,778 --> 01:51:02,531
♪ Now I'm up even further
In the nosebleeds ♪
2184
01:51:02,614 --> 01:51:04,950
♪ Section 211, seat three, row B ♪
2185
01:51:05,033 --> 01:51:06,410
♪ You guys are really, really poor ♪
2186
01:51:07,035 --> 01:51:10,080
♪ I've said it before
Fuck the West Hollywood raw ♪
2187
01:51:10,581 --> 01:51:12,958
♪ All right
You can start the interview, gay guy ♪
2188
01:51:13,041 --> 01:51:15,502
- [music concludes]
- [crowd laughing]
2189
01:51:15,586 --> 01:51:20,174
[crowd cheering, applauding]
2190
01:51:21,675 --> 01:51:23,302
[Tony laughs]
2191
01:51:23,385 --> 01:51:25,721
Is that funny, Tone? Is this funny?
2192
01:51:29,141 --> 01:51:32,311
Timmy, it was gonna-- [hesitates]
2193
01:51:32,394 --> 01:51:34,354
I looked into this. [laughs]
2194
01:51:35,189 --> 01:51:37,191
- And you--
- What the fuck?
2195
01:51:37,274 --> 01:51:39,401
[crowd laughing]
2196
01:51:39,484 --> 01:51:44,907
You know I looked into this for you.
It was literally gonna be 70,000 dollars
2197
01:51:44,990 --> 01:51:46,617
- for you to fly over the audience...
- Yeah.
2198
01:51:46,700 --> 01:51:50,954
- [Tony] ...like you wanted to do.
- I spent 450,000 dollars
2199
01:51:51,038 --> 01:51:54,416
on an F18 Air Force flyover to--
2200
01:51:54,499 --> 01:51:58,170
Look, there I go, Tone.
There I fucking go.
2201
01:51:58,253 --> 01:52:01,381
[crowd cheering, applauding]
2202
01:52:02,299 --> 01:52:03,884
This is the worst night of my life.
2203
01:52:03,967 --> 01:52:05,969
[crowd laughing]
2204
01:52:06,053 --> 01:52:08,847
Why are you covered
in some type of slime? I don't--
2205
01:52:08,931 --> 01:52:12,142
It's flame retardant.
I was gonna set myself on fire in the air.
2206
01:52:12,226 --> 01:52:13,936
- It was gonna be amazing.
- [Tony laughs]
2207
01:52:14,019 --> 01:52:16,146
- [crowd laughing]
- Fuck.
2208
01:52:19,274 --> 01:52:20,525
[laughs]
2209
01:52:20,609 --> 01:52:22,319
I feel like a goddamn idiot.
2210
01:52:22,402 --> 01:52:23,987
- [laughs]
- [crowd laughing]
2211
01:52:24,071 --> 01:52:29,117
- [jet engines roaring]
- [Tony] Oh.
2212
01:52:30,202 --> 01:52:32,371
[Timmy] Why's the roof not open?
2213
01:52:32,454 --> 01:52:34,289
- [Tony laughs]
- [crowd laughing]
2214
01:52:34,373 --> 01:52:35,791
Fuck!
2215
01:52:35,874 --> 01:52:39,628
[crowd laughing]
2216
01:52:43,465 --> 01:52:46,677
Start the interview, Tone.
What do you want to know about me?
2217
01:52:47,594 --> 01:52:50,180
[Tony] Oh, my God.
There's nobody like you.
2218
01:52:50,931 --> 01:52:55,352
You are so far outside the box,
it's absolutely insane.
2219
01:52:55,435 --> 01:52:58,981
Well, I was in Roseanne's box.
I will be honest.
2220
01:52:59,064 --> 01:53:01,066
[crowd cheering, applauding]
2221
01:53:01,149 --> 01:53:02,734
- Give it up for Roseanne.
- [car horn sound effect plays]
2222
01:53:02,818 --> 01:53:04,695
She is having my child!
2223
01:53:04,778 --> 01:53:06,071
[crowd cheering, applauding]
2224
01:53:06,154 --> 01:53:08,782
Ooh! Breaking news here on Kill Tony.
2225
01:53:09,283 --> 01:53:11,535
- Yeah!
- Hell yeah, she's down.
2226
01:53:11,618 --> 01:53:13,870
I love you, bitch. I love your box.
2227
01:53:13,954 --> 01:53:16,707
- Tight.
- [woman moaning sound effect plays]
2228
01:53:16,790 --> 01:53:18,750
- Timmy is a--
- Wait.
2229
01:53:18,834 --> 01:53:23,797
[moaning sound effect continues]
2230
01:53:23,880 --> 01:53:26,091
[rapid moaning sound effect plays]
2231
01:53:26,174 --> 01:53:27,134
I can explain.
2232
01:53:27,217 --> 01:53:29,594
I was gonna fuck somebody
that was Japanese
2233
01:53:29,678 --> 01:53:32,639
in mid-air in the audience.
She was gonna come, obviously.
2234
01:53:32,723 --> 01:53:34,683
I need everybody to know
she was gonna come, all right?
2235
01:53:34,766 --> 01:53:36,727
Let's move on. Next question.
2236
01:53:36,810 --> 01:53:38,562
- [crowd laughing]
- [laughs]
2237
01:53:38,645 --> 01:53:43,442
- [woman panting sound effect plays]
- [Tony laughs]
2238
01:53:43,525 --> 01:53:48,322
Timmy, why do you still have
all the straps and everything on?
2239
01:53:48,405 --> 01:53:51,450
I was told five minutes ago, Tone!
2240
01:53:51,533 --> 01:53:53,535
[laughs]
2241
01:53:53,618 --> 01:53:55,412
Who put that there? That's--
2242
01:53:58,915 --> 01:54:01,335
Gabriel Iglesias has been
telling people to move that.
2243
01:54:01,418 --> 01:54:04,254
That's what amateur comedians do.
You run it over.
2244
01:54:04,796 --> 01:54:06,673
That's how you do comedy.
2245
01:54:07,424 --> 01:54:10,302
[Timmy, over recording]
Oh, God! Oh, shit! Oh, shit! I'm on fire!
2246
01:54:10,385 --> 01:54:16,975
Oh, fuck! [screams]
2247
01:54:18,435 --> 01:54:20,729
That's the part
where I was gonna get set on fire!
2248
01:54:20,812 --> 01:54:23,398
[crowd laughing]
2249
01:54:24,649 --> 01:54:27,611
Can I get a fucking strawberry daiquiri
or something, honey?
2250
01:54:27,694 --> 01:54:30,655
- I'm fucking-- I'm not--
- [Tony] A strawberry daiquiri?
2251
01:54:30,739 --> 01:54:33,950
No, I think this audience
would come up with 74,000 dollars
2252
01:54:34,034 --> 01:54:35,786
just to see you on fire right now.
2253
01:54:35,869 --> 01:54:38,997
[crowd cheering, applauding]
2254
01:54:39,081 --> 01:54:40,916
I'm sure there's somebody with some...
2255
01:54:41,666 --> 01:54:43,126
- Texas money.
- I'm gonna be honest.
2256
01:54:43,210 --> 01:54:45,420
I started a GoFundMe.
2257
01:54:45,504 --> 01:54:48,131
For real. We are raising money.
2258
01:54:48,632 --> 01:54:52,135
Tone already pledged 15,000 dollars.
Give it up for Tone.
2259
01:54:52,219 --> 01:54:53,762
[crowd cheering, applauding]
2260
01:54:53,845 --> 01:54:55,931
- Oh, man. You did that?
- No, I did not do that.
2261
01:54:56,014 --> 01:54:57,015
No, yeah, you did.
2262
01:54:57,099 --> 01:54:58,975
[Tony, over recording]
Oh, God, you're so funny, Timmy.
2263
01:54:59,059 --> 01:55:02,479
Oh, God, I love it.
Oh, yes, yes. Oh, yeah.
2264
01:55:02,562 --> 01:55:06,525
You'll make me laugh again.
Yeah, you make baby laugh. [moans]
2265
01:55:07,025 --> 01:55:12,614
Oh, Daddy, Stinky Baby laugh too much?
Mm. Yeah. Oh, Stinky Baby win PB.
2266
01:55:12,697 --> 01:55:17,577
Daddy punish Baby.
Mm. Yeah. Yeah, I love it. Yeah.
2267
01:55:18,078 --> 01:55:22,040
Whoa! This is gonna be on Tubi, Tone.
You shouldn't be talking like that.
2268
01:55:22,124 --> 01:55:25,669
That's nuts.
"Your stinky baby"? That's fucking crazy.
2269
01:55:25,752 --> 01:55:28,880
[Tony, over recording] You have anything
to plug besides baby's little butt
2270
01:55:28,964 --> 01:55:30,924
with binky binky?
2271
01:55:31,007 --> 01:55:32,509
[crowd laughing]
2272
01:55:32,592 --> 01:55:34,428
[Timmy] I'm glad you asked, Tone.
2273
01:55:34,511 --> 01:55:37,305
I'm on tour. Go to TimmyNoBrakes.com.
2274
01:55:37,389 --> 01:55:40,851
Ladies and gentlemen,
a force to be reckoned with.
2275
01:55:40,934 --> 01:55:42,144
[groovy music playing]
2276
01:55:42,227 --> 01:55:44,396
[Tony] The one and only. All right.
2277
01:55:45,355 --> 01:55:47,732
No. Don't, don't.
Timmy, get the fuck out of here.
2278
01:55:47,816 --> 01:55:49,651
- [music concludes]
- [Tony laughs]
2279
01:55:49,734 --> 01:55:51,278
[crowd cheering, applauding]
2280
01:55:51,361 --> 01:55:52,863
Just got rejected by my wife.
2281
01:55:52,946 --> 01:55:55,907
[Tony] There he goes.
Timmy No Brakes, everybody.
2282
01:55:55,991 --> 01:56:00,036
- A totally different kind of creature.
- [crowd cheering, applauding]
2283
01:56:00,120 --> 01:56:02,873
I gotta give you guys credit.
These people were ready to mosh.
2284
01:56:02,956 --> 01:56:06,126
It is an unbelievable crowd
we have here tonight.
2285
01:56:06,209 --> 01:56:07,794
How about a hand for yourselves?
2286
01:56:07,878 --> 01:56:10,589
You've been making noise
for everybody all night tonight.
2287
01:56:10,672 --> 01:56:14,426
- [funky upbeat music playing]
- [Tony] What a beautiful crowd it is, huh?
2288
01:56:14,509 --> 01:56:16,011
Unbelievable.
2289
01:56:16,094 --> 01:56:21,641
[crowd cheering, applauding]
2290
01:56:21,725 --> 01:56:24,144
[bell ringing]
2291
01:56:24,227 --> 01:56:25,729
Children.
2292
01:56:26,938 --> 01:56:29,608
- Children, where are you children?
- [Tony] Slower.
2293
01:56:32,027 --> 01:56:36,281
- Hey, what's that?
- Lollipops, ice cream.
2294
01:56:36,364 --> 01:56:40,202
- All free today.
- [whimsical music playing]
2295
01:56:40,285 --> 01:56:42,370
- Come out, children.
- [Tony] Oh, my God.
2296
01:56:42,454 --> 01:56:49,336
Ice cream, lollipops,
all free today, children.
2297
01:56:49,836 --> 01:56:55,634
Crinkle cakes, diarrhea bombs,
blueberry bubble bunches,
2298
01:56:55,717 --> 01:57:00,347
Chinese cinnamon buns,
marshmallow meatloaf,
2299
01:57:00,430 --> 01:57:03,892
and your sister's fallopian tubes, children.
2300
01:57:05,560 --> 01:57:10,065
This is my impression
of the Child Catcher in Minnesota.
2301
01:57:12,984 --> 01:57:14,027
Children.
2302
01:57:15,695 --> 01:57:20,492
- Children?
- [crowd cheering, applauding]
2303
01:57:22,077 --> 01:57:24,120
Where the fuck are the children?
2304
01:57:27,499 --> 01:57:29,167
Lollipop.
2305
01:57:29,251 --> 01:57:34,798
Licky lick, licky lick,
licky lick, licky lick.
2306
01:57:36,216 --> 01:57:38,552
[Tony] It's the villain
from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
2307
01:57:38,635 --> 01:57:41,513
- that I didn't know about two months ago.
- All free today.
2308
01:57:42,138 --> 01:57:45,725
Lollipops, blueberry blundle blinches,
2309
01:57:46,226 --> 01:57:52,857
cinnamon twat burgers,
and lemon yellow raspberry bacon burgers.
2310
01:57:52,941 --> 01:57:56,611
- All free today.
- [Redban] Whoa!
2311
01:57:56,695 --> 01:58:00,156
[crowd cheering, applauding]
2312
01:58:02,492 --> 01:58:04,995
All free today.
2313
01:58:06,496 --> 01:58:09,291
Ladies and gentlemen,
how the hell are you?
2314
01:58:09,374 --> 01:58:13,003
[crowd cheering, applauding]
2315
01:58:13,086 --> 01:58:16,965
Make some noise,
it's the 2024 Guest of the Year,
2316
01:58:17,048 --> 01:58:18,842
Harland Williams!
2317
01:58:18,925 --> 01:58:22,679
- [groovy music playing]
- [crowd cheering, applauding]
2318
01:58:25,807 --> 01:58:28,602
[music concludes]
2319
01:58:35,066 --> 01:58:36,526
{\an8}How are you, everybody?
2320
01:58:38,695 --> 01:58:41,114
{\an8}Wow. What a treat.
2321
01:58:42,657 --> 01:58:48,413
I gotta tell you, I was walking around,
Tony, Roseanne, Dave, everybody.
2322
01:58:48,496 --> 01:58:51,833
I was walking around in Austin,
2323
01:58:52,667 --> 01:58:55,503
and an Austin hottie recognized me.
2324
01:58:55,587 --> 01:59:00,508
A beautiful, probably a ten
out of ten hottie recognized me.
2325
01:59:00,592 --> 01:59:02,260
She did one of these.
She did one of these.
2326
01:59:02,344 --> 01:59:03,845
She goes, "I love you, Harland."
2327
01:59:03,928 --> 01:59:07,265
And I said, "Wow, that's pretty bold, man.
I don't even know you."
2328
01:59:07,349 --> 01:59:09,976
You're doing one of these?
I said, "What's that all about?"
2329
01:59:10,060 --> 01:59:14,105
She said, "Hey, I think you should say
what's on your mind."
2330
01:59:14,189 --> 01:59:15,398
So I said, "Okay."
2331
01:59:17,067 --> 01:59:21,112
[crowd laughing]
2332
01:59:21,196 --> 01:59:22,906
And she gave me one of these.
2333
01:59:23,657 --> 01:59:24,949
And I said, "No, thanks."
2334
01:59:25,033 --> 01:59:27,702
"I'm not into ass play,
but thanks for asking."
2335
01:59:27,786 --> 01:59:29,496
[crowd laughing]
2336
01:59:29,579 --> 01:59:33,625
How many people out here have
the mucus flu that's going around, huh?
2337
01:59:33,708 --> 01:59:35,919
[crowd cheering, applauding]
2338
01:59:36,002 --> 01:59:38,296
Thanks for sitting right up front, guy.
2339
01:59:39,005 --> 01:59:41,925
Have you had this mucus flu
where you wake up in the morning
2340
01:59:42,008 --> 01:59:44,761
and the goblins come out, the snot,
2341
01:59:44,844 --> 01:59:48,431
that fucking Mucinex guy comes out
and he's standing at the end of your bed,
2342
01:59:48,515 --> 01:59:51,976
that little green snot goblin,
he's like, "You're going to die, buddy."
2343
01:59:52,060 --> 01:59:54,020
[crowd laughing]
2344
01:59:54,104 --> 01:59:56,272
I have this little ritual
I do with my girlfriend.
2345
01:59:56,356 --> 01:59:58,149
We wake up in the morning and...
2346
01:59:58,858 --> 02:00:01,569
she does this cute little thing
where she says,
2347
02:00:01,653 --> 02:00:04,781
"Good morning, my little morning bird."
And she's like...
2348
02:00:04,864 --> 02:00:09,327
- [whistles]
- [bird chirping sound effect plays]
2349
02:00:13,790 --> 02:00:16,042
And now she wakes up
in the morning with the flu
2350
02:00:16,126 --> 02:00:17,210
and she's like, "Good morning."
2351
02:00:17,293 --> 02:00:20,380
- [caws]
- [crowd laughing]
2352
02:00:22,298 --> 02:00:25,135
I took a shower with her the other day.
You ever do that?
2353
02:00:25,218 --> 02:00:28,179
You ever get in the shower
with your girlfriend
2354
02:00:28,263 --> 02:00:31,683
and you gotta figure out
who's gonna get the warm water
2355
02:00:31,766 --> 02:00:36,229
'cause it's only, like, this big, right?
So you gotta shuffle around in the shower,
2356
02:00:36,312 --> 02:00:39,107
suddenly it turns
into the shower square dance, right?
2357
02:00:39,649 --> 02:00:40,817
You're in the shower, you're like...
2358
02:00:40,900 --> 02:00:45,280
♪ In the shower with my chick
She gets warm while I freeze my dick ♪
2359
02:00:45,905 --> 02:00:49,909
♪ Do-si-do, twirl back
Grab the soap and scrub her crack ♪
2360
02:00:50,994 --> 02:00:52,454
♪ Pull her close for a kiss ♪
2361
02:00:52,537 --> 02:00:55,039
♪ When her eyes are shut
I'll take a piss ♪
2362
02:00:55,123 --> 02:00:57,667
- [crowd laughing]
- Come on, guys, you do it.
2363
02:00:57,751 --> 02:01:00,170
How many of you guys,
when your girlfriend's washing her hair,
2364
02:01:00,253 --> 02:01:04,382
- are pissing on her leg?
- [crowd cheering, applauding]
2365
02:01:04,466 --> 02:01:08,344
She's like, "Why does the water burn?
It stings like a jellyfish."
2366
02:01:08,428 --> 02:01:10,889
[crowd laughing]
2367
02:01:10,972 --> 02:01:12,599
All right, I gotta take this nose off.
2368
02:01:12,682 --> 02:01:14,684
I feel like
I'm in the steam room at my gym
2369
02:01:14,768 --> 02:01:17,020
and a guy just stood up in front of me.
2370
02:01:17,103 --> 02:01:18,980
[crowd laughing]
2371
02:01:19,063 --> 02:01:20,064
I feel like an idiot.
2372
02:01:20,148 --> 02:01:23,318
Last thing I want to do
is come out here on national TV
2373
02:01:23,401 --> 02:01:24,611
and look like an idiot.
2374
02:01:34,162 --> 02:01:35,955
Tony, thanks for having me.
2375
02:01:36,039 --> 02:01:39,501
You guys, my sister
just got her saliva glands removed.
2376
02:01:39,584 --> 02:01:42,879
Give her a hand. God bless you.
Have a great New Year.
2377
02:01:43,505 --> 02:01:46,424
- Thank you very much. Wow.
- [Tony] Harland Williams.
2378
02:01:46,508 --> 02:01:48,343
[crowd cheering, applauding]
2379
02:01:48,426 --> 02:01:51,471
All free today, children.
2380
02:01:51,554 --> 02:01:53,264
Thank you. Happy New Year.
2381
02:01:53,348 --> 02:01:57,310
Make some fucking noise
for the great Harland Williams, everybody.
2382
02:01:57,393 --> 02:02:00,063
- [crowd cheering, applauding]
- Gracing us with his presence,
2383
02:02:00,146 --> 02:02:05,777
- he is the 2024 Guest of the Year...
- [upbeat music playing]
2384
02:02:05,860 --> 02:02:09,280
...which brings us
to a very special time in the show.
2385
02:02:09,364 --> 02:02:11,783
Every New Year's Eve
for the last three years,
2386
02:02:11,866 --> 02:02:17,163
we have awarded the new
Guest of the Year on New Year's Eve.
2387
02:02:17,247 --> 02:02:19,541
This year will be no different.
2388
02:02:19,624 --> 02:02:24,087
Here to give out
the ultra-prestigious Kill Tony Award,
2389
02:02:24,170 --> 02:02:25,797
ladies and gentlemen,
2390
02:02:25,880 --> 02:02:30,635
make some noise
for all of our best friend, Austin's own...
2391
02:02:31,469 --> 02:02:35,807
- Joe Rogan, everybody.
- [crowd cheering, applauding]
2392
02:02:35,890 --> 02:02:37,892
[upbeat music continues]
2393
02:02:41,646 --> 02:02:44,315
{\an8}- Happy New Year, everybody.
- [music concludes]
2394
02:02:44,399 --> 02:02:45,733
{\an8}Thank you very much.
2395
02:02:46,609 --> 02:02:48,486
{\an8}Ladies and gentlemen, how about Kill Tony?
2396
02:02:48,570 --> 02:02:52,615
[crowd cheering, applauding]
2397
02:02:52,699 --> 02:02:57,328
Ladies and gentlemen,
the 2025 Kill Tony Guest of the Year Award
2398
02:02:57,412 --> 02:03:02,292
was voted on by the entire cast,
the crew, and the band,
2399
02:03:02,375 --> 02:03:06,838
and in a stunning turn of events
has ended in a tie.
2400
02:03:06,921 --> 02:03:08,506
Roll the video, please.
2401
02:03:09,299 --> 02:03:11,009
{\an8}[Tony] Every Monday for 12 years,
2402
02:03:11,092 --> 02:03:15,930
{\an8}we've put out an episode,
and this man has never been on before.
2403
02:03:16,014 --> 02:03:19,851
{\an8}One of the greatest comedians of all time.
2404
02:03:19,934 --> 02:03:22,228
Get on your fucking feet
and make some noise
2405
02:03:22,312 --> 02:03:24,898
{\an8}for the great and powerful Carrot Top!
2406
02:03:24,981 --> 02:03:27,817
{\an8}- [dramatic upbeat music playing]
- [Redban] Oh, yeah!
2407
02:03:27,901 --> 02:03:29,611
{\an8}Let's fucking go!
2408
02:03:31,446 --> 02:03:33,698
- I have a prop, I have a prop.
- Let's go.
2409
02:03:33,781 --> 02:03:36,409
- It's a mousetrap to catch gay mice, see.
- [laughs]
2410
02:03:36,492 --> 02:03:38,661
- [crowd laughing]
- The mouse comes in...
2411
02:03:38,745 --> 02:03:39,954
[speaks indistinctly]
2412
02:03:40,038 --> 02:03:41,998
This is a coffee cup for lesbians.
See, they can...
2413
02:03:42,081 --> 02:03:43,833
- Hey!
- [crowd laughing]
2414
02:03:43,917 --> 02:03:46,836
- It's a towel when you go to Disney.
- [quirky music playing]
2415
02:03:46,920 --> 02:03:49,213
You can walk around the pool.
"Hey, what's going on?"
2416
02:03:49,297 --> 02:03:51,883
You know that picture's gonna be
on the internet of me sitting there
2417
02:03:51,966 --> 02:03:55,303
looking at Carrot Top's shit
hanging out of his towel.
2418
02:03:55,386 --> 02:03:57,347
- [crowd laughing]
- [Tony laughs]
2419
02:03:57,430 --> 02:04:00,099
One of the biggest
comedy movie stars of all time,
2420
02:04:00,183 --> 02:04:03,770
{\an8}ladies and gentlemen, I present to you
our guest, Rob Schneider!
2421
02:04:03,853 --> 02:04:05,855
{\an8}- [funky upbeat music playing]
- [crowd cheering, applauding]
2422
02:04:05,939 --> 02:04:09,067
{\an8}[in Cajun accent] You can do it!
Number one show in the world!
2423
02:04:09,150 --> 02:04:11,444
- Yeah!
- Hit it!
2424
02:04:12,320 --> 02:04:15,073
- What do you do for work?
- I'm a realtor's assistant.
2425
02:04:15,156 --> 02:04:16,449
[in normal voice]
In my, you know, experience,
2426
02:04:16,532 --> 02:04:19,953
even a half-retarded person
could be a real estate person, so...
2427
02:04:20,536 --> 02:04:22,205
You cannot say that, Rob!
2428
02:04:22,288 --> 02:04:26,542
A half-realtor assistant could be
a full retard, I'm thinking.
2429
02:04:26,626 --> 02:04:27,585
[crowd laughing]
2430
02:04:27,669 --> 02:04:31,255
Can we get a little
on Rob's nipple there? Yeah.
2431
02:04:31,339 --> 02:04:32,632
- [quirky music playing]
- [crowd cheering]
2432
02:04:32,715 --> 02:04:35,259
- [Rob] As someone--
- What I'm saying is...
2433
02:04:35,343 --> 02:04:37,261
- The Black guy's interrupting me again.
- What I'm saying is...
2434
02:04:37,345 --> 02:04:38,304
- [laughs]
- [Redban] Hey!
2435
02:04:38,388 --> 02:04:42,100
[Donnell] Chew that dick, chew that dick.
Chew that dick, chew that dick.
2436
02:04:42,600 --> 02:04:45,103
Can you give me one minute uninterrupted?
2437
02:04:45,186 --> 02:04:47,939
If you give me
five fucking seconds uninterrupted.
2438
02:04:48,022 --> 02:04:50,650
- [laughs]
- [dramatic groovy music playing]
2439
02:04:50,733 --> 02:04:54,278
♪ Oh! ♪
2440
02:04:54,362 --> 02:04:58,324
- [crowd cheering, applauding]
- [music concludes]
2441
02:05:02,912 --> 02:05:05,707
Ladies and gentlemen,
the Guests Of the Year award,
2442
02:05:05,790 --> 02:05:08,876
Rob Schneider and Carrot Top.
2443
02:05:08,960 --> 02:05:12,088
- [crowd cheering, applauding]
- Oh, my God, thank you so much.
2444
02:05:12,171 --> 02:05:14,382
[dramatic groovy music playing]
2445
02:05:15,675 --> 02:05:16,843
Thank you, buddy.
2446
02:05:19,929 --> 02:05:21,723
[music concludes]
2447
02:05:22,598 --> 02:05:24,559
Wait, we both won? We both won?
2448
02:05:24,642 --> 02:05:25,852
I think you have your own mic, right?
2449
02:05:25,935 --> 02:05:28,271
- Oh, wait. No, I do have my own mic, yeah.
- There you go. [laughs]
2450
02:05:28,354 --> 02:05:30,690
- [Tony laughs]
- Yes, you both won. Congratulations.
2451
02:05:30,773 --> 02:05:32,942
Oh, thank you, Joe.
You're a hero, by the way.
2452
02:05:33,026 --> 02:05:36,362
During COVID, the only person
that I believed the whole time
2453
02:05:36,446 --> 02:05:39,157
was like, what is Joe Rogan saying?
God bless you, buddy.
2454
02:05:39,240 --> 02:05:41,576
I love you. You're a hero. A hero.
2455
02:05:41,659 --> 02:05:47,123
And a lesson to show to comedians,
you can be more than just a comedian.
2456
02:05:47,206 --> 02:05:50,209
You can change the world, and you did.
God bless you, buddy.
2457
02:05:50,293 --> 02:05:51,669
- I mean it.
- [crowd cheering, applauding]
2458
02:05:51,753 --> 02:05:54,714
I feel very uncomfortable.
I took a wild guess and I was right.
2459
02:05:54,797 --> 02:05:57,216
- [Tony laughs]
- That's all that happened.
2460
02:05:57,300 --> 02:06:00,136
I'm saying I don't trust anybody.
But you guys are awesome.
2461
02:06:00,219 --> 02:06:03,097
- Congratulations to both of you.
- And Tony... And Ton--
2462
02:06:03,181 --> 02:06:04,307
Shit. I'm talking into the-- [laughs]
2463
02:06:04,390 --> 02:06:06,559
I'm talking into the--
And Tony, thank you so much.
2464
02:06:06,642 --> 02:06:08,102
- [Tony laughs]
- [crowd laughing]
2465
02:06:08,186 --> 02:06:10,521
I feel bad chewing gum.
I should probably...
2466
02:06:11,189 --> 02:06:12,065
The...
2467
02:06:12,148 --> 02:06:13,691
- [Tony laughs]
- [crowd laughing]
2468
02:06:13,775 --> 02:06:16,402
It's horrible to have gum
in your mouth when you're up here.
2469
02:06:16,486 --> 02:06:19,864
You guys are the best crowd putting up
with, like, five hours of a show.
2470
02:06:19,947 --> 02:06:22,075
- Tony, Roseanne. Oh, man, you.
- [Tony] Yeah.
2471
02:06:22,158 --> 02:06:24,577
You've been very well.
You're good to me, my man.
2472
02:06:25,078 --> 02:06:27,789
- Rob.
- Tony, thank you for this, man.
2473
02:06:27,872 --> 02:06:30,124
I've got to tell you,
I never felt more love
2474
02:06:30,208 --> 02:06:32,752
from any group of comedians
than at the Mothership
2475
02:06:32,835 --> 02:06:36,255
and from... from you, Tony,
so I thank you so much.
2476
02:06:36,339 --> 02:06:39,258
- I appreciate it. Thank you.
- [Tony] Much deserved, gentlemen.
2477
02:06:39,342 --> 02:06:42,303
It ended in a crazy 22-to-22 tie.
2478
02:06:42,386 --> 02:06:44,347
- Can I do one more prop?
- [Tony] Yeah, one more prop.
2479
02:06:44,430 --> 02:06:46,557
- One more prop. I forgot.
- [Tony laughs]
2480
02:06:46,641 --> 02:06:49,477
It's a party favor
for someone tonight that has asthma.
2481
02:06:49,560 --> 02:06:52,814
- [party blower toots]
- [Tony laughs]
2482
02:06:52,897 --> 02:06:54,565
So you can have a good time and not die.
2483
02:06:54,649 --> 02:06:56,901
[Tony] This is the craziest show
on planet Earth.
2484
02:06:56,984 --> 02:07:00,154
Guys, can you make it loud
one more time for Joe Rogan
2485
02:07:00,238 --> 02:07:05,743
{\an8}- and our 2025 Guests of the Year?
- [crowd cheering, applauding]
2486
02:07:05,827 --> 02:07:08,371
{\an8}- [Carrot Top] Man, I love you, buddy.
- Congrats, man. [laughs]
2487
02:07:08,454 --> 02:07:10,540
[upbeat music playing]
2488
02:07:10,623 --> 02:07:12,458
Thank you guys so much.
2489
02:07:15,086 --> 02:07:18,047
Why don't we grab-- Can we grab
one more chair for Carrot Top
2490
02:07:18,131 --> 02:07:21,926
and he can sit up here with us
just to close out the show real quick?
2491
02:07:22,009 --> 02:07:25,179
Because there's only one way
to end an episode like this.
2492
02:07:25,263 --> 02:07:27,932
Come over here, Carrot.
Rob, you can sit back down.
2493
02:07:28,015 --> 02:07:30,601
We're gonna grab you a chair
real quick, Carrot.
2494
02:07:30,685 --> 02:07:32,436
We're gonna grab you a chair.
2495
02:07:32,520 --> 02:07:35,815
Because there's only one way
to end an episode like this.
2496
02:07:35,898 --> 02:07:37,859
You can sit up here and join us.
2497
02:07:38,526 --> 02:07:39,694
- Here.
- Yeah.
2498
02:07:40,361 --> 02:07:43,239
And that is with the comedian
that holds the record
2499
02:07:43,322 --> 02:07:48,202
for most all-time appearances,
the most all-time interviews,
2500
02:07:48,870 --> 02:07:52,248
a living member
of the Kill Tony Hall of Fame.
2501
02:07:52,331 --> 02:07:56,961
Ladies and gentlemen,
this is the Austin Orangutan,
2502
02:07:57,044 --> 02:08:00,882
the Memphis Strangler,
the Nuisance of Nashville,
2503
02:08:00,965 --> 02:08:04,927
the Big Red Machine, the Vanilla Gorilla,
2504
02:08:05,011 --> 02:08:08,347
William Montgomery!
2505
02:08:08,431 --> 02:08:13,227
- [crowd cheering, applauding]
- [upbeat music continues]
2506
02:08:26,449 --> 02:08:29,577
{\an8}- [music concludes]
- [cheering, applause continues]
2507
02:08:35,249 --> 02:08:38,461
Guess I didn't realize
so many daycare centers
2508
02:08:38,544 --> 02:08:41,672
had been hijacked by Somali pirates.
2509
02:08:41,756 --> 02:08:43,549
[crowd laughing, cheering]
2510
02:08:43,633 --> 02:08:46,886
They get a substitute teacher
and the teacher's like,
2511
02:08:46,969 --> 02:08:49,305
"We're watching Black Hawk Down today."
2512
02:08:49,388 --> 02:08:50,723
And the three-year-olds are like,
2513
02:08:50,806 --> 02:08:53,392
"Again, we watched that movie
six times last week."
2514
02:08:53,476 --> 02:08:55,102
[crowd laughing]
2515
02:08:55,186 --> 02:08:57,980
I'm kidding.
Those schools don't have kids.
2516
02:08:58,064 --> 02:09:00,816
They're referred to as child soldiers.
2517
02:09:00,900 --> 02:09:02,318
[crowd laughing, cheering]
2518
02:09:02,401 --> 02:09:06,906
I wish every ethnic group
would start a daycare center.
2519
02:09:06,989 --> 02:09:11,744
Like you go to a Jamaican Head Start
and it's actually just a head shop.
2520
02:09:11,827 --> 02:09:14,121
[crowd laughing, cheering]
2521
02:09:14,205 --> 02:09:16,874
You go to the German daycare center
and they're like,
2522
02:09:16,958 --> 02:09:19,252
"No, it's actually just a camp."
2523
02:09:19,335 --> 02:09:21,295
And you're like, "The kids are at camp?"
2524
02:09:21,379 --> 02:09:24,257
And they go, "No, no, no, no, no.
They're running the camp."
2525
02:09:24,340 --> 02:09:25,925
[crowd laughing]
2526
02:09:26,008 --> 02:09:30,388
So is the Vatican working
alongside the K-pop Demon Hunters?
2527
02:09:31,305 --> 02:09:36,352
They need help!
Okay, that's my time, Tony!
2528
02:09:36,852 --> 02:09:40,982
The most beloved creature,
William Montgomery.
2529
02:09:41,065 --> 02:09:42,525
[crowd cheering, applauding]
2530
02:09:42,608 --> 02:09:47,154
Tony, I thought these people were familiar
with the Somali situation, dude.
2531
02:09:48,197 --> 02:09:50,199
- Yeah.
- But it's so nice to be here.
2532
02:09:50,283 --> 02:09:54,495
I actually just got back from Saudi Arabia
and got these hair transplants,
2533
02:09:54,578 --> 02:09:57,039
but they're actually Swarovski crystals.
2534
02:09:57,123 --> 02:09:59,500
- [Tony] Wow.
- Yup.
2535
02:09:59,583 --> 02:10:02,712
- [Roseanne] Ooh!
- It was a good Christmas for me.
2536
02:10:02,795 --> 02:10:08,884
So, yeah, back in town and yes, having fun
watching the new Stranger Things.
2537
02:10:08,968 --> 02:10:11,387
Okay. How's that going?
2538
02:10:11,470 --> 02:10:14,265
- I'm hating it, Tony!
- [Tony] Uh-oh.
2539
02:10:14,348 --> 02:10:15,558
[Netflix launch theme plays]
2540
02:10:15,641 --> 02:10:17,518
- Tough.
- [Tony] What do you-- [hesitates]
2541
02:10:17,601 --> 02:10:20,771
[laughs] We're on Netflix right now.
I don't think you're supposed
2542
02:10:20,855 --> 02:10:22,356
- to bash Stranger Things.
- Oh, oh, oh!
2543
02:10:22,440 --> 02:10:26,152
- Right. No, yeah, it's great.
- [Tony] What do you love about it?
2544
02:10:26,235 --> 02:10:28,279
Oh, my gosh, just all the characters.
2545
02:10:28,362 --> 02:10:31,282
I mean, you know I'm talking
about Eleven, Tony!
2546
02:10:31,365 --> 02:10:32,825
- [groovy music sting]
- [Tony] Wow.
2547
02:10:32,908 --> 02:10:36,370
- No, actually, she looks too old!
- [groovy music sting]
2548
02:10:36,454 --> 02:10:38,247
I can't believe it!
2549
02:10:38,331 --> 02:10:40,082
[groovy music sting]
2550
02:10:40,166 --> 02:10:41,917
- [Tony laughs]
- Who else?
2551
02:10:42,001 --> 02:10:45,421
That one kid's a homosexual,
which I think is beautiful.
2552
02:10:46,672 --> 02:10:48,090
Yeah, yeah.
2553
02:10:48,716 --> 02:10:51,302
But yeah, I don't know.
It's almost New Year's.
2554
02:10:52,136 --> 02:10:53,095
Amazing.
2555
02:10:53,179 --> 02:10:59,018
You're the only person to come out tonight
wearing their security clearance lanyard.
2556
02:10:59,101 --> 02:11:02,438
As though someone
may have stopped you backstage.
2557
02:11:02,521 --> 02:11:03,689
They did, Tony.
2558
02:11:03,773 --> 02:11:06,275
They saw me,
and they were trying to kick me out,
2559
02:11:06,359 --> 02:11:08,819
and I literally had to get this
out of my fucking back pocket.
2560
02:11:08,903 --> 02:11:10,988
I've had a real
horrible time tonight, Tony.
2561
02:11:11,072 --> 02:11:13,157
Some guy literally is like,
"Who the fuck are you?"
2562
02:11:13,240 --> 02:11:14,325
"What's that shit on your head?"
2563
02:11:14,408 --> 02:11:16,077
And I'm like, "Dude,
I'm on the fucking show."
2564
02:11:16,160 --> 02:11:20,289
"I was just in Saudi Arabia.
What the fuck are you questioning me for?"
2565
02:11:20,373 --> 02:11:21,791
And I put it around my neck.
2566
02:11:21,874 --> 02:11:23,959
I had to, 'cause I didn't want
to deal with that again.
2567
02:11:24,043 --> 02:11:25,211
[Tony] Amazing.
2568
02:11:25,294 --> 02:11:28,214
Redban, you look fun with that shit
on your head, you idiot.
2569
02:11:28,297 --> 02:11:30,049
Do you know that's on there?
Are you doing that on purpose?
2570
02:11:30,132 --> 02:11:32,551
Thanks for shooting that shit at me, man.
That actually hurt.
2571
02:11:32,635 --> 02:11:35,471
- That actually really hurt.
- Yeah, that was very loud.
2572
02:11:35,554 --> 02:11:39,850
A ballsy move to shoot a high-level
confetti cannon directly at us.
2573
02:11:39,934 --> 02:11:41,936
[crowd laughing]
2574
02:11:42,019 --> 02:11:42,937
I was honestly--
2575
02:11:43,020 --> 02:11:47,149
I was pretending like it was a gun,
Redban, and I was able to do it.
2576
02:11:47,817 --> 02:11:51,028
A ballsy maneuver, the maneuver of a man
that knows he can get away
2577
02:11:51,112 --> 02:11:54,782
with just about anything.
William, you are a wild boy.
2578
02:11:54,865 --> 02:11:55,908
You guys have any feedback
2579
02:11:55,991 --> 02:11:58,744
for the absolutely insane
William Montgomery?
2580
02:11:58,828 --> 02:12:01,205
[crowd cheering]
2581
02:12:01,288 --> 02:12:03,582
You're definitely outside the box.
2582
02:12:03,666 --> 02:12:08,170
You have your own energy
and you own what you do.
2583
02:12:08,254 --> 02:12:12,716
I'm not here to say good or bad.
I just know that I recognize different.
2584
02:12:12,800 --> 02:12:16,178
You, my friend, are very different.
You stand out.
2585
02:12:17,596 --> 02:12:20,516
You are a star on this show. So, yeah.
2586
02:12:20,599 --> 02:12:23,561
- I don't know what you guys thought.
- And Tony, I feel horrible.
2587
02:12:23,644 --> 02:12:26,814
I mean, Dedrick was crying,
fucking... [hesitates]
2588
02:12:26,897 --> 02:12:29,442
People were crying up here tonight,
and it's like, I don't wanna cry up here.
2589
02:12:29,525 --> 02:12:32,153
I almost feel like I need to cry up here,
but I don't feel like crying up here.
2590
02:12:32,236 --> 02:12:33,279
[Gabriel] Don't cry.
2591
02:12:33,362 --> 02:12:36,866
Well, let me tell you,
some people entertain an audience,
2592
02:12:36,949 --> 02:12:38,075
some people frighten an audience,
2593
02:12:38,159 --> 02:12:40,411
and you did both tonight,
so congratulations.
2594
02:12:40,494 --> 02:12:42,746
- [William] Thank you.
- No doubt about it.
2595
02:12:42,830 --> 02:12:46,459
- Roseanne Barr.
- William, no one is like you.
2596
02:12:46,542 --> 02:12:50,588
No one is as brave
and untraditional as you.
2597
02:12:51,130 --> 02:12:56,635
Nobody gets out of the box
quite as fast and goes as far as you do.
2598
02:12:56,719 --> 02:12:59,346
- You know I love you.
- We can smoke after this, Roseanne.
2599
02:12:59,430 --> 02:13:03,309
You have the best pot
of anybody in the whole fucking world.
2600
02:13:03,392 --> 02:13:06,562
The last time I smoked your pot
and went on stage,
2601
02:13:06,645 --> 02:13:11,317
there was quite a nervous breakdown
and I'm very ashamed of that
2602
02:13:11,400 --> 02:13:14,361
and Tony made me promise
I would never smoke your pot,
2603
02:13:14,445 --> 02:13:19,200
and be on his show ever again
because I was acting like Pauly Shore.
2604
02:13:19,700 --> 02:13:21,869
- But, um...
- [crowd laughing]
2605
02:13:21,952 --> 02:13:28,125
But William,
you are an unparalleled weirdo,
2606
02:13:28,209 --> 02:13:31,378
- and that is why we all love you so much.
- [crowd cheering, applauding]
2607
02:13:31,462 --> 02:13:32,796
- Yeah.
- Thank you.
2608
02:13:32,880 --> 02:13:35,925
- [Roseanne] Fly high, brother.
- [speaking indistinctly]
2609
02:13:36,008 --> 02:13:39,178
[Tony] Let's check in
with your big brother Carrot Top here.
2610
02:13:39,261 --> 02:13:42,139
I'm just going to say, if Liberace
and I fuck, you would be you.
2611
02:13:42,223 --> 02:13:43,432
You would be our baby.
2612
02:13:44,767 --> 02:13:49,230
Not-- We've had two babies together,
but you are brilliant.
2613
02:13:49,813 --> 02:13:50,856
I mean, you really are.
2614
02:13:50,940 --> 02:13:54,735
And as a fellow redhead, you know,
you're stealing my gig a little bit,
2615
02:13:54,818 --> 02:13:57,780
but really funny.
And I love the fucking crystal head.
2616
02:13:57,863 --> 02:14:01,742
I love the joke about getting his head--
What did you say, hair implants?
2617
02:14:01,825 --> 02:14:03,827
- Very funny.
- [chuckles] Thank you.
2618
02:14:03,911 --> 02:14:06,539
You're the only comic
that has the balls to take on
2619
02:14:06,622 --> 02:14:09,833
- the Saudi Arabian kerfuffle.
- [William] I know.
2620
02:14:09,917 --> 02:14:12,628
I was thinking, "Am I gonna get
into Saudi Arabia tonight?"
2621
02:14:12,711 --> 02:14:14,296
And I thought,
"Yes, I'm going to get into it."
2622
02:14:14,380 --> 02:14:17,174
"I'm gonna say my hair plugs
are from Saudi Arabia."
2623
02:14:17,800 --> 02:14:19,677
Fuck Saudi Arabia.
2624
02:14:19,760 --> 02:14:22,805
- Okay. All right.
- [crowd cheering]
2625
02:14:22,888 --> 02:14:24,932
Yes. Agreed.
2626
02:14:27,059 --> 02:14:29,520
[Tony] And as soon
as we say fuck Saudi Arabia,
2627
02:14:29,603 --> 02:14:32,648
- we lose the audio for...
- [crowd laughing]
2628
02:14:32,731 --> 02:14:34,358
[Tony] ...for the show. Amazing.
2629
02:14:34,441 --> 02:14:37,861
Uh. William, any parting words
you want to say?
2630
02:14:38,404 --> 02:14:41,365
I hope everybody has a wonderful 2026.
2631
02:14:41,448 --> 02:14:44,201
- And if you're looking for a fun...
- [crowd cheering, applauding]
2632
02:14:44,285 --> 02:14:47,496
...if you're looking for a fun thing to do,
I would look into doing puzzles.
2633
02:14:47,580 --> 02:14:49,873
I've done seven puzzles
in the past two weeks.
2634
02:14:49,957 --> 02:14:52,126
I'm having a real crazy time
in my life right now.
2635
02:14:52,209 --> 02:14:55,087
But just know that I ain't ever
going to stop doing puzzles, Tony!
2636
02:14:55,170 --> 02:14:56,797
- [Tony] Yeah.
- Nice to be here.
2637
02:14:56,880 --> 02:15:00,175
- William Montgomery. And we did it.
- [groovy music playing]
2638
02:15:00,259 --> 02:15:07,224
This has been the Netflix special,
Kill Tony, Once Upon a Time in Texas.
2639
02:15:07,308 --> 02:15:12,396
Can you guys make noise one more time
for all the amazing guests?
2640
02:15:12,479 --> 02:15:15,774
- [crowd cheering, applauding]
- Roseanne Barr, Rob Schneider,
2641
02:15:15,858 --> 02:15:18,402
Fluffy, Carrot Top,
2642
02:15:18,902 --> 02:15:24,450
Joe Rogan, the great Joe DeRosa,
James McCann...
2643
02:15:26,118 --> 02:15:29,496
Dedrick Flynn, Fiona Cauley, Ari Matti,
2644
02:15:30,664 --> 02:15:35,586
Kam Patterson, Timmy No Brakes,
and William Montgomery.
2645
02:15:35,669 --> 02:15:37,671
Did you guys have a great night tonight?
2646
02:15:37,755 --> 02:15:41,300
- [crowd cheering, applauding]
- Happy New Year!
2647
02:15:41,383 --> 02:15:44,345
Happy New Year.
Let's have the best 2026 ever.
2648
02:15:44,428 --> 02:15:48,223
I love you guys. Thank you.
Good night, everybody.
2649
02:15:48,307 --> 02:15:51,352
- [crowd cheering, applauding]
- [groovy upbeat music playing]
2650
02:16:07,743 --> 02:16:09,787
[music concludes]
2651
02:16:11,497 --> 02:16:14,041
{\an8}["Pandemonium" playing]
2652
02:16:44,321 --> 02:16:45,364
♪ Yeah! ♪
2653
02:17:44,089 --> 02:17:46,467
[music concludes]