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Downloaded from
YTS.BZ

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.BZ

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[vibrant, jazzy piano music playing]

4
00:00:49,549 --> 00:00:53,219
[chorus singing "Gimme! Gimme! Gimme!
(A Man After Midnight)"]

5
00:00:53,303 --> 00:00:58,850
♪ There's not a soul out there
No one to hear my prayer ♪

6
00:00:58,933 --> 00:01:02,520
♪ Gimme, gimme, gimme
A man after midnight ♪

7
00:01:02,604 --> 00:01:06,316
♪ Won't somebody help me
Chase the shadows away? ♪

8
00:01:08,026 --> 00:01:09,027
[music trails off]

9
00:01:09,110 --> 00:01:10,612
[Taylor] Thank you for coming to this.

10
00:01:10,695 --> 00:01:12,947
You did not have to.
AI's getting pretty good.

11
00:01:14,074 --> 00:01:16,117
It is getting way too good.
I don't trust it.

12
00:01:16,201 --> 00:01:20,121
My iPhone started capitalizing
the G in "God" again without asking me.

13
00:01:20,205 --> 00:01:21,206
Happen to anyone else?

14
00:01:21,289 --> 00:01:24,084
I don't know which update,
but my iPhone's like,

15
00:01:24,167 --> 00:01:26,544
"Did you mean 'King of Kings'?"

16
00:01:27,670 --> 00:01:30,256
The robots are coming,
and they love the Lord.

17
00:01:31,091 --> 00:01:34,385
Are you guys worried about the robots?
You concerned? Yeah.

18
00:01:34,469 --> 00:01:37,138
Have you looked
at the people in your life,

19
00:01:37,222 --> 00:01:40,975
your friends, your family,
and then back at yourself and gone,

20
00:01:41,059 --> 00:01:42,143
"Uh-oh."

21
00:01:44,020 --> 00:01:46,815
"I'm gonna be the one
who falls in love with a robot."

22
00:01:48,108 --> 00:01:50,318
Have you been honest?
It's okay. It's gonna be me.

23
00:01:50,401 --> 00:01:53,905
That's why I don't use ChatGPT.
I'm not ready for a relationship.

24
00:01:55,490 --> 00:01:56,658
I'm holding strong now,

25
00:01:56,741 --> 00:02:00,703
but in a few years when robot partners
are available at Best Buy,

26
00:02:00,787 --> 00:02:03,706
yeah, it's gonna be me,
drunk at the dinner party,

27
00:02:03,790 --> 00:02:07,210
defending my robot husband
to all my friends like,

28
00:02:07,293 --> 00:02:10,839
"Oh, I'm sorry.
What even is a 'soul,' you guys?"

29
00:02:10,922 --> 00:02:12,882
"Can you define it?
That's what I thought."

30
00:02:12,966 --> 00:02:15,093
"Also, I've met
your lame-ass husband, Chelsea."

31
00:02:15,176 --> 00:02:18,179
"Don't try to tell me
you don't plug his ass in at night."

32
00:02:18,263 --> 00:02:19,639
"Okay?"

33
00:02:19,722 --> 00:02:21,808
"'Oh, it's the CPAP machine. He'll die.'"

34
00:02:21,891 --> 00:02:24,644
"Whatever. His stories are long, okay?"

35
00:02:25,311 --> 00:02:26,563
"Now, show some respect."

36
00:02:26,646 --> 00:02:29,816
"He's not an air fryer.
He's the love of my life."

37
00:02:29,899 --> 00:02:31,234
"Look him in the eyes."

38
00:02:31,317 --> 00:02:34,279
"His pronouns are not 'it/that.'"

39
00:02:34,863 --> 00:02:37,240
"Yours are 'bitch/BITCH,' all right?"

40
00:02:37,740 --> 00:02:40,451
"They are different. One is all caps."

41
00:02:41,494 --> 00:02:43,037
I like the idea of a robot partner

42
00:02:43,121 --> 00:02:45,373
'cause I think
I'm less likely to fuck that up.

43
00:02:45,999 --> 00:02:47,292
I said "less."

44
00:02:48,168 --> 00:02:51,588
No, you're right. I'll still find ways
to be shitty and jealous of a robot.

45
00:02:51,671 --> 00:02:53,756
Like, "Why are you
always by the dishwasher?"

46
00:02:56,467 --> 00:02:58,595
"Is her rack bigger than mine?"

47
00:03:00,138 --> 00:03:02,140
"Does she get wetter than me?"

48
00:03:02,849 --> 00:03:05,393
"Is it 'cause she makes bubbles?
I can make bubbles."

49
00:03:05,476 --> 00:03:08,479
"I'll get an infection,
but if you need bubbles, like…"

50
00:03:09,564 --> 00:03:11,065
I used to be a toxic girlfriend.

51
00:03:11,149 --> 00:03:13,484
I've worked on it a lot
in therapy over the years.

52
00:03:13,568 --> 00:03:16,654
I was a nightmare in my twenties.
I was dating a guy once.

53
00:03:16,738 --> 00:03:19,157
We were on the couch one night.
We weren't fighting.

54
00:03:19,240 --> 00:03:21,034
I thought that was weird,
so I turned to him

55
00:03:23,036 --> 00:03:25,121
and I said, "Hey, babe,

56
00:03:25,205 --> 00:03:28,082
if you found out that we were cousins…

57
00:03:30,043 --> 00:03:32,003
would you break up with me?"

58
00:03:32,921 --> 00:03:34,005
And he goes,

59
00:03:34,088 --> 00:03:35,798
"Yes!"

60
00:03:37,508 --> 00:03:39,761
And I was like, "Whoa, fast."

61
00:03:40,553 --> 00:03:43,181
"No follow-up questions.
You're just out like that?"

62
00:03:43,264 --> 00:03:45,225
He goes, "It's illegal, Taylor."

63
00:03:45,308 --> 00:03:48,686
I'm like, "So are mushrooms,
and we did those."

64
00:03:49,854 --> 00:03:53,858
"Now you're this law-abiding citizen
just 'cause we're cousins?"

65
00:03:53,942 --> 00:03:56,986
He goes, "You're so wrong about this.
Ask anyone we know."

66
00:03:57,070 --> 00:04:00,114
So I texted the three happiest couples
in my phone, and I said,

67
00:04:00,198 --> 00:04:02,742
"If you found out you're cousins,
you didn't know when you met,

68
00:04:02,825 --> 00:04:04,494
haven't known this whole time,

69
00:04:04,577 --> 00:04:06,496
have the same relationship you always had,

70
00:04:06,579 --> 00:04:08,831
but whoops, you're cousins,
would you break up?"

71
00:04:08,915 --> 00:04:10,291
And they all wrote back,

72
00:04:10,375 --> 00:04:12,460
"Do we have to tell anybody?"

73
00:04:16,589 --> 00:04:18,299
I showed him my phone, and I said,

74
00:04:18,383 --> 00:04:20,802
"That's what love looks like."

75
00:04:25,932 --> 00:04:27,183
Quick poll…

76
00:04:29,560 --> 00:04:31,688
If you found out
your partner was your cousin,

77
00:04:31,771 --> 00:04:33,273
clap if you'd break up with them.

78
00:04:33,356 --> 00:04:34,941
[moderate applause]

79
00:04:35,024 --> 00:04:37,568
Okay, that's a lot of people.

80
00:04:37,652 --> 00:04:40,530
No, don't discuss.
Fight in the car. Fight in the car.

81
00:04:41,906 --> 00:04:45,201
Okay, now, if you found out
your partner was a robot,

82
00:04:45,285 --> 00:04:46,953
clap if you'd break up with them.

83
00:04:47,036 --> 00:04:49,247
[scattered applause]

84
00:04:49,330 --> 00:04:50,331
Oh, interesting.

85
00:04:51,874 --> 00:04:54,252
Bit of a drop-off over here.

86
00:04:54,836 --> 00:04:58,214
Some of us clapped for cousin
and not for robot.

87
00:04:58,298 --> 00:05:03,386
Okay, so we're going to
abandon our family…

88
00:05:05,263 --> 00:05:07,181
but we'll keep fucking the toaster.

89
00:05:07,265 --> 00:05:09,309
Okay, that makes sense.

90
00:05:10,935 --> 00:05:13,479
I really was triggered
by the capital-G "God" in my phone

91
00:05:13,563 --> 00:05:15,023
because I have religious trauma.

92
00:05:15,106 --> 00:05:16,107
Anybody else?

93
00:05:16,190 --> 00:05:19,277
[audience whooping]

94
00:05:19,360 --> 00:05:20,403
Thought you might.

95
00:05:20,486 --> 00:05:23,656
Religious trauma means
you grew up in church,

96
00:05:23,740 --> 00:05:26,451
you're not religious anymore,
but now anytime you feel good,

97
00:05:26,534 --> 00:05:28,453
you feel kinda bad about it.

98
00:05:29,412 --> 00:05:32,290
Like, have you ever had a dip
in the middle of an orgasm? Like…

99
00:05:32,373 --> 00:05:33,333
[panting]

100
00:05:33,416 --> 00:05:35,043
[low grunt, pants]

101
00:05:35,793 --> 00:05:38,129
That dip is Jesus…

102
00:05:39,881 --> 00:05:42,091
spraying you in the face
with a water bottle.

103
00:05:42,717 --> 00:05:44,719
That's why I don't say "Oh God"
during sex.

104
00:05:44,802 --> 00:05:46,929
He's like Beetlejuice. He'll show up.

105
00:05:49,390 --> 00:05:52,268
To be clear, I'm not an atheist,
I just don't know what happens.

106
00:05:52,352 --> 00:05:54,437
Neither do you.
Spoiler alert, nobody knows.

107
00:05:54,520 --> 00:05:57,523
I've never related to the certainty

108
00:05:57,607 --> 00:06:00,276
so many Christians feel
where they're like, "I just know."

109
00:06:00,360 --> 00:06:02,653
"But how do you know there's a God?"
"I just know."

110
00:06:02,737 --> 00:06:04,947
The only time
I've ever just known something,

111
00:06:05,031 --> 00:06:06,532
it was that I had diarrhea.

112
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That's the only time.

113
00:06:08,368 --> 00:06:09,911
The only time I've ever been like…

114
00:06:10,495 --> 00:06:11,496
[softly] Oh.

115
00:06:12,622 --> 00:06:14,624
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

116
00:06:15,416 --> 00:06:16,876
And I did start praying.

117
00:06:19,837 --> 00:06:21,214
I resent both sides equally.

118
00:06:21,297 --> 00:06:24,133
I hate when people are like,
"No God, just darkness, fuck you."

119
00:06:24,217 --> 00:06:27,845
Hate when people are like, "There's a God.
Here's his address. He loves me best."

120
00:06:27,929 --> 00:06:30,264
I just hate confidence.
That's really what it is.

121
00:06:30,348 --> 00:06:32,809
I cannot stand it
when people are too confident.

122
00:06:32,892 --> 00:06:35,603
I have one very confident friend.
That's it.

123
00:06:35,686 --> 00:06:37,438
That's all I can handle in my life.

124
00:06:37,522 --> 00:06:39,190
One friend, so confident.

125
00:06:39,273 --> 00:06:42,527
You know that hot girl in eighth grade
who always came into class late

126
00:06:42,610 --> 00:06:46,656
with a Frappuccino, and you're like,
"We get it. Your mom had you on purpose."

127
00:06:48,324 --> 00:06:49,700
She's like that.

128
00:06:49,784 --> 00:06:53,496
So I can only see her
every, like, six to eight months.

129
00:06:53,579 --> 00:06:55,581
We got lunch a couple months ago.

130
00:06:56,207 --> 00:06:58,334
Our food comes to the table.

131
00:06:58,418 --> 00:07:01,254
She immediately sends her food
back to the kitchen.

132
00:07:01,337 --> 00:07:03,548
Did you know you could do that
outside of a film?

133
00:07:03,631 --> 00:07:04,757
She did it in real life.

134
00:07:04,841 --> 00:07:08,010
I go, "What was wrong with it?"
She goes, "There was a hair in it."

135
00:07:10,638 --> 00:07:11,848
One hair.

136
00:07:11,931 --> 00:07:16,936
There would have to be
a toupee on my lasagna.

137
00:07:17,603 --> 00:07:19,313
Even then, I'd be like, "So sorry."

138
00:07:19,397 --> 00:07:21,649
"I should have asked for this
without toupee."

139
00:07:21,732 --> 00:07:24,652
"I… No, I understand it's a garnish."

140
00:07:24,735 --> 00:07:28,239
"It's just sort of triggering
in this political climate, but…"

141
00:07:29,365 --> 00:07:34,537
"But I understand. It looks very natural.
Thank you, chef. I'll pick around it."

142
00:07:35,413 --> 00:07:37,832
I don't think
I'm smarter than religious people.

143
00:07:37,915 --> 00:07:41,002
I hate it when atheists talk down
to anyone who believes in God.

144
00:07:41,085 --> 00:07:43,254
I've believed a lot of stupid shit
in my life.

145
00:07:43,337 --> 00:07:45,465
God's not even top three, okay?

146
00:07:45,965 --> 00:07:47,800
I've believed tall guys.

147
00:07:51,721 --> 00:07:54,432
"He plays guitar, he must be nice."
I'm dumb, all right?

148
00:07:54,515 --> 00:07:56,767
When my religious
family members talk about God,

149
00:07:56,851 --> 00:07:59,812
like, "God got me through
the hardest years of my life,"

150
00:07:59,896 --> 00:08:02,565
I'm like, "Shit.
That's how I talk about Gilmore Girls."

151
00:08:02,648 --> 00:08:05,151
Like, I'm an idiot.

152
00:08:05,234 --> 00:08:06,777
And I capitalize those Gs.

153
00:08:06,861 --> 00:08:08,571
I make sure every time.

154
00:08:09,280 --> 00:08:10,948
That's right. Yeah.

155
00:08:11,491 --> 00:08:14,785
I have a lot of Christians in my life,
a lot of people praying for me,

156
00:08:14,869 --> 00:08:16,829
which I try not to take personally.

157
00:08:17,371 --> 00:08:19,624
You ever have someone say
they're praying for you,

158
00:08:19,707 --> 00:08:21,834
and you don't know
what they're referring to?

159
00:08:22,752 --> 00:08:25,004
"Hey, I wanna let you know
I'm praying for you."

160
00:08:25,087 --> 00:08:26,130
"What?"

161
00:08:28,049 --> 00:08:29,050
"I'm not sick."

162
00:08:30,384 --> 00:08:33,554
"Yeah? Well, I'm praying for you.
What do you think about that, Bev?"

163
00:08:34,680 --> 00:08:36,724
"Heard you need it, bitch."

164
00:08:37,934 --> 00:08:40,144
She's like, "God's been
putting you on my heart lately."

165
00:08:40,228 --> 00:08:43,606
"Tell God to scrape me off your heart
because I'm doing awesome, okay?"

166
00:08:43,689 --> 00:08:45,816
"I don't know what you heard
in the church parking lot,

167
00:08:45,900 --> 00:08:47,944
but that was a family matter, Bev."

168
00:08:48,861 --> 00:08:50,863
"I'm gonna tint the van windows."

169
00:08:52,698 --> 00:08:54,951
I have a lot of cool Christians
in my life.

170
00:08:55,034 --> 00:08:57,078
Cool Christians love to let you know
they're cool.

171
00:08:57,745 --> 00:09:01,207
They do. They love to,
like, swear in front of you.

172
00:09:02,833 --> 00:09:06,712
They're like, "Look, I understand why you
have doubts. I get it. I watch the news."

173
00:09:09,257 --> 00:09:12,009
"Shit is fucked up."

174
00:09:16,264 --> 00:09:18,975
Then they look at you
like they did a trick on a skateboard.

175
00:09:23,896 --> 00:09:26,023
I have an uncle who's a pastor.
Really cool guy.

176
00:09:26,107 --> 00:09:27,567
He's very humble, down to earth.

177
00:09:27,650 --> 00:09:30,695
Not one of these megachurch douchebags
who wears expensive sneakers

178
00:09:30,778 --> 00:09:32,863
and, like, writes a book
with his face on it.

179
00:09:32,947 --> 00:09:36,117
Every time I see a pastor
on a book tour, I'm like, "Hey, man."

180
00:09:36,200 --> 00:09:39,412
"Weren't you already
promoting a book? Like…"

181
00:09:41,789 --> 00:09:43,624
"I don't know… I just…"

182
00:09:48,838 --> 00:09:51,173
"How many bestsellers do you need, Joel?"

183
00:09:53,551 --> 00:09:56,679
My uncle's cool. The only person
who understands what I do for work.

184
00:09:56,762 --> 00:09:58,055
He and I have similar jobs.

185
00:09:58,139 --> 00:10:00,891
We're both out here on the weekends,
changing lives. Yeah.

186
00:10:00,975 --> 00:10:02,435
No, he hates it when I say that.

187
00:10:02,518 --> 00:10:05,646
He hates it so much.
I'm always trying to talk shop with him.

188
00:10:05,730 --> 00:10:08,190
I'm like, "Hey, Jim.
How was your early show?"

189
00:10:10,026 --> 00:10:11,902
"You know it's first service, Taylor."

190
00:10:11,986 --> 00:10:14,780
I'm like, "I just noticed
you had a heckler on the late one."

191
00:10:14,864 --> 00:10:18,242
He goes, "That person was yelling 'Amen'
and 'Hallelujah' to agree."

192
00:10:18,326 --> 00:10:21,245
"Worst kind of heckler, Jim,
because they're being supportive,

193
00:10:21,329 --> 00:10:24,123
but they're still disrupting
your flow, right?"

194
00:10:24,206 --> 00:10:27,084
I go, "You know,
I donate 10% of what I make too."

195
00:10:27,168 --> 00:10:28,377
He's like, "To who?"

196
00:10:28,461 --> 00:10:31,088
"My agent, but it's still a tithe."

197
00:10:34,508 --> 00:10:37,386
I'm like, "I'm kidding, Jim.
I know we don't do the same thing."

198
00:10:37,470 --> 00:10:38,804
"But think about this."

199
00:10:38,888 --> 00:10:41,349
"I make them feel guilty Saturday night."

200
00:10:41,432 --> 00:10:43,267
"You save their ass Sunday morning."

201
00:10:43,351 --> 00:10:45,019
"I set them up, you spike the ball."

202
00:10:45,102 --> 00:10:46,228
"You're welcome!"

203
00:10:47,396 --> 00:10:48,439
"I helped."

204
00:10:54,445 --> 00:10:56,197
But my uncle Jim's a great pastor.

205
00:10:56,280 --> 00:10:59,116
He's very progressive.
He gives really interesting sermons.

206
00:10:59,200 --> 00:11:01,285
We didn't have a pastor
like Uncle Jim growing up.

207
00:11:01,369 --> 00:11:04,789
We had a basic-ass pastor
who stuck to three topics.

208
00:11:04,872 --> 00:11:06,165
He had three messages.

209
00:11:06,248 --> 00:11:07,875
"You are forgiven."

210
00:11:07,958 --> 00:11:09,543
"Marriage is hard."

211
00:11:10,378 --> 00:11:11,504
"Merry Christmas."

212
00:11:11,587 --> 00:11:13,422
Like, those were the three.

213
00:11:14,423 --> 00:11:16,717
I do feel for pastors
on Christmas and Easter,

214
00:11:16,801 --> 00:11:18,886
'cause those are
big weeks at church, right?

215
00:11:18,969 --> 00:11:20,763
Those are recruitment weeks.

216
00:11:21,263 --> 00:11:23,391
That's when everybody
comes out of the woodwork.

217
00:11:23,474 --> 00:11:26,394
That's when the decaf Christians swing by.

218
00:11:26,477 --> 00:11:28,979
You only see
those motherfuckers twice a year,

219
00:11:29,063 --> 00:11:31,524
and you gotta blow their minds
so hard with the extras

220
00:11:31,607 --> 00:11:33,693
that they upgrade
their subscription to weekly.

221
00:11:33,776 --> 00:11:35,236
That's a lot of pressure.

222
00:11:36,696 --> 00:11:39,990
And as the pastor on Christmas
and Easter, you can't get creative.

223
00:11:40,074 --> 00:11:42,034
You can't get weird with it.

224
00:11:42,118 --> 00:11:43,494
Can't do an acoustic set.

225
00:11:43,577 --> 00:11:45,037
You gotta play the hits.

226
00:11:45,538 --> 00:11:47,623
You got to tell the stories, right?

227
00:11:47,707 --> 00:11:50,209
Easter's a better story than Christmas.

228
00:11:50,292 --> 00:11:54,046
Easter is the crucifixion
and resurrection of Jesus Christ.

229
00:11:54,130 --> 00:11:56,048
It's where all of our merch is from.

230
00:11:56,132 --> 00:11:57,299
You've seen it.

231
00:11:58,592 --> 00:11:59,593
You've seen it.

232
00:11:59,677 --> 00:12:03,264
Dead guy up there, but tasteful.
Somehow very tasteful.

233
00:12:03,347 --> 00:12:04,849
Makes you think about your own death.

234
00:12:04,932 --> 00:12:08,644
Like, "Hope I die in a way
that looks good on jewelry, right?"

235
00:12:09,478 --> 00:12:12,523
When Grandma died,
were you like, "Slap her on an anklet"?

236
00:12:12,606 --> 00:12:15,317
No, he's really doing it up there.

237
00:12:15,818 --> 00:12:18,821
I'll stop doing it. We're all familiar.

238
00:12:21,157 --> 00:12:24,243
But Easter's a great story.
There's a lot of action, right?

239
00:12:24,326 --> 00:12:26,871
It's the crucifixion, the resurrection.

240
00:12:26,954 --> 00:12:30,624
It's Jesus in his prime,
early thirties, ripped.

241
00:12:32,626 --> 00:12:34,295
Betrayed him, killed him, he's back.

242
00:12:34,378 --> 00:12:35,671
It's basically Twilight.

243
00:12:35,755 --> 00:12:38,632
It's a sexy, sexy story.

244
00:12:38,716 --> 00:12:42,470
I'm kidding. Twilight belongs to Mormons.
Don't take that from them, okay?

245
00:12:42,553 --> 00:12:45,055
They can't have caffeine.
They need something to wake 'em up.

246
00:12:46,599 --> 00:12:48,851
Christmas is not as good a story.
It's just not.

247
00:12:48,934 --> 00:12:51,145
The birth of Jesus.
It starts off strong, right?

248
00:12:51,228 --> 00:12:53,272
An angel comes
down from heaven, tells Mary,

249
00:12:53,355 --> 00:12:56,358
"I know you're a virgin,
but you're pregnant with the son of God."

250
00:12:56,442 --> 00:12:59,779
Oh shit. And then the angel
has to go tell her boyfriend, Joseph,

251
00:12:59,862 --> 00:13:02,615
'cause "Believe women"
wasn't really a thing back then.

252
00:13:03,908 --> 00:13:06,327
So the angel's like,
"It's God in there. I promise."

253
00:13:06,410 --> 00:13:08,162
And then what? Then the angel leaves.

254
00:13:08,245 --> 00:13:11,373
Then it's just a long walk to a barn.

255
00:13:11,457 --> 00:13:14,502
That's most of Christmas,
just this right here.

256
00:13:14,585 --> 00:13:15,669
Jesus is barely in it.

257
00:13:15,753 --> 00:13:17,171
He comes in right at the end.

258
00:13:17,254 --> 00:13:18,506
He does zero magic.

259
00:13:18,589 --> 00:13:20,424
It sucks.

260
00:13:21,467 --> 00:13:25,596
Jesus is basically
the post-credit scene in a Marvel movie.

261
00:13:25,679 --> 00:13:27,723
It's trash.

262
00:13:30,392 --> 00:13:31,393
Sucks.

263
00:13:35,606 --> 00:13:39,026
One year, our pastor tried
to spice up the Christmas story.

264
00:13:39,109 --> 00:13:41,779
He came out and goes…
Thought he found a new angle, right?

265
00:13:41,862 --> 00:13:43,239
He comes out, he goes, "You know,

266
00:13:43,322 --> 00:13:46,450
we always kind of rush through
the Christmas story, don't we?"

267
00:13:46,534 --> 00:13:48,452
"Since we all know it so well."

268
00:13:48,536 --> 00:13:51,455
"But if you ever really stop to think

269
00:13:51,539 --> 00:13:55,584
about what this must've been like
for Mary…"

270
00:13:56,252 --> 00:13:57,628
And all the women were like…

271
00:13:57,711 --> 00:13:58,921
[emotionally] "Oh!"

272
00:13:59,880 --> 00:14:01,465
And all the men were like,

273
00:14:01,549 --> 00:14:02,758
[flatly] "No!"

274
00:14:04,218 --> 00:14:07,012
"Which one's Mary again?
You talking about the vessel?"

275
00:14:07,096 --> 00:14:09,849
"You talking about
the hole we put the Lord in?"

276
00:14:10,683 --> 00:14:12,685
"You talking about the Jesus jar?"

277
00:14:14,520 --> 00:14:16,564
"You talking about the Christ cubby?"

278
00:14:17,064 --> 00:14:18,983
"You talking about the savior sack?"

279
00:14:19,817 --> 00:14:21,986
"You talking about the prophet pocket?"

280
00:14:22,653 --> 00:14:24,905
We could keep going,
but we have to move on.

281
00:14:24,989 --> 00:14:28,993
But that's a fun game to play to come down
from the cousin fight, if you want.

282
00:14:31,161 --> 00:14:33,789
That Mary POV sermon
went over so well for him

283
00:14:33,873 --> 00:14:36,125
that he came out the next year
all excited.

284
00:14:36,208 --> 00:14:38,669
"Last year, we talked about
what it must've been like for Mary

285
00:14:38,752 --> 00:14:40,629
to find out she was pregnant with Jesus."

286
00:14:40,713 --> 00:14:46,093
"But have you ever stopped to think about
what this must've been like for Joseph?"

287
00:14:46,176 --> 00:14:50,055
And all the men were like,
"Finally! Representation!"

288
00:14:50,139 --> 00:14:53,142
"I also think whores are lying to me!"

289
00:14:56,228 --> 00:14:58,272
Joseph was Mary's betrothed at the time.

290
00:14:58,355 --> 00:15:00,900
I don't wanna assume
everybody knows the Bible stories.

291
00:15:00,983 --> 00:15:03,360
Grow up in church, you're like,
"Everybody's learning these."

292
00:15:03,444 --> 00:15:06,363
Nope. Some kids were
having childhoods, on their bikes.

293
00:15:07,281 --> 00:15:08,282
Yeah.

294
00:15:08,365 --> 00:15:10,409
Anyone in here who never went to church,

295
00:15:10,492 --> 00:15:12,786
never believed in God,
never been religious at all?

296
00:15:12,870 --> 00:15:13,704
[scattered whooping]

297
00:15:13,787 --> 00:15:16,749
Wow, all in the back.
That checks out. That checks out.

298
00:15:18,375 --> 00:15:20,002
Well, you sound very at peace.

299
00:15:20,085 --> 00:15:23,547
You sound so relaxed,
but how do you know right from wrong?

300
00:15:23,631 --> 00:15:26,050
How do you not kill people? How do you…

301
00:15:26,133 --> 00:15:28,761
Some Christians talk like that.
My dad, growing up, was like,

302
00:15:28,844 --> 00:15:31,430
"If I weren't a Christian,
I'd be in jail."

303
00:15:31,513 --> 00:15:33,599
And I'm like, "Whoa, I'm six."

304
00:15:35,684 --> 00:15:40,230
"Let's do Goodnight Moon tomorrow
instead of Dad's dark thoughts."

305
00:15:40,314 --> 00:15:44,026
Some Christians walk around like, "Yeah.
If Sky Dad didn't have me on house arrest,

306
00:15:44,109 --> 00:15:45,819
there'd be some mud on my boots."

307
00:15:45,903 --> 00:15:49,198
And you're like,
"Cool. Let's only hang out in groups."

308
00:15:51,075 --> 00:15:54,703
But if you didn't grow up in church,
you might not know any Bible stories.

309
00:15:54,787 --> 00:15:57,373
I won't put you on the spot.
I used to, learned my lesson.

310
00:15:57,456 --> 00:16:01,168
One time I asked someone,
and they panicked and went, "VeggieTales."

311
00:16:04,421 --> 00:16:07,466
Which, hey, close enough,
but it did make me laugh real hard.

312
00:16:07,549 --> 00:16:09,301
Just, "Who betrayed Jesus?"

313
00:16:09,385 --> 00:16:11,261
"Bob the Tomato!"

314
00:16:12,096 --> 00:16:16,100
I remember, he bounced in,
like, "You're gonna die, Jesus."

315
00:16:18,435 --> 00:16:19,645
I'm kidding. They didn't.

316
00:16:19,728 --> 00:16:22,982
No, they didn't do the crucifixion
on VeggieTales.

317
00:16:23,065 --> 00:16:24,233
They wouldn't do that.

318
00:16:24,316 --> 00:16:26,735
That's… That's crazy. That's way too dark.

319
00:16:26,819 --> 00:16:29,488
Also, no arms, so who's gonna, you know…

320
00:16:30,864 --> 00:16:33,367
Who's gonna do the finale?

321
00:16:33,867 --> 00:16:36,286
What are they gonna do,
put baby carrots on Larry?

322
00:16:36,370 --> 00:16:38,288
That's insane. We can't do that.

323
00:16:40,958 --> 00:16:44,795
I assume, even if you didn't
grow up religious, you know Noah's ark.

324
00:16:44,878 --> 00:16:46,505
Most people know that. That's our big one.

325
00:16:46,588 --> 00:16:49,174
It's on the cover
of all of our coloring books.

326
00:16:49,842 --> 00:16:55,222
Yeah. It really is a testament
to how fucked up the Bible is

327
00:16:55,305 --> 00:16:58,100
that we read Noah's ark and we're like,

328
00:16:58,183 --> 00:16:59,810
"That's the kids' story."

329
00:17:01,186 --> 00:17:03,063
That story is dark as hell.

330
00:17:03,147 --> 00:17:06,275
It's about God drowning all his kids
'cause they were being annoying.

331
00:17:06,358 --> 00:17:11,071
And we're like, "Yeah.
That should be the mural in the nursery."

332
00:17:12,448 --> 00:17:16,493
"Come here, little buddy.
These are the animals he didn't drown."

333
00:17:17,953 --> 00:17:20,748
"What a lucky horsey

334
00:17:20,831 --> 00:17:24,710
that got to go
on the boat with one friend."

335
00:17:27,129 --> 00:17:30,507
It's the rainbow.
I think they think the rainbow saves it.

336
00:17:30,591 --> 00:17:34,261
God sent Noah, who probably
had some trust issues at that point,

337
00:17:34,344 --> 00:17:37,514
the rainbow as a promise
to never flood the earth again,

338
00:17:37,598 --> 00:17:40,309
which I think is
the darkest part of the story.

339
00:17:40,392 --> 00:17:42,227
Rainbow after a destructive flood.

340
00:17:42,311 --> 00:17:44,980
That's like buying someone a ring
after you push 'em down the stairs.

341
00:17:45,064 --> 00:17:46,190
That's crazy.

342
00:17:46,690 --> 00:17:49,234
Every time I see a rainbow,
I don't think of gay rights.

343
00:17:49,318 --> 00:17:51,528
I don't even think of rain.
I think of God going,

344
00:17:51,612 --> 00:17:55,866
"I mean, I didn't kill everybody."

345
00:18:07,336 --> 00:18:10,339
Some people don't even realize
Noah's ark's from the Bible.

346
00:18:10,422 --> 00:18:12,257
I've asked people,
"Know any Bible stories?"

347
00:18:12,341 --> 00:18:15,385
"Not one." I go, "What about Noah?"
They're like, "I know that one."

348
00:18:15,469 --> 00:18:19,890
Like, that's how much Bible stories
have, like, infiltrated pop culture.

349
00:18:19,973 --> 00:18:22,267
I have a friend who said
they knew Prodigal Son.

350
00:18:22,351 --> 00:18:23,602
I go, "You know the story?"

351
00:18:23,685 --> 00:18:26,772
They're like, "No, I think
there was like a show or something."

352
00:18:26,855 --> 00:18:28,398
"I've heard the term," right?

353
00:18:28,482 --> 00:18:32,486
If you don't know the prodigal son,
it's a story that Jesus teaches,

354
00:18:32,569 --> 00:18:34,988
tells in the Bible
to teach a lesson, right?

355
00:18:35,072 --> 00:18:36,782
So in the story,

356
00:18:36,865 --> 00:18:38,909
there's a rich dad, and he's got two sons.

357
00:18:38,992 --> 00:18:41,286
The older son does everything right
because he's the oldest.

358
00:18:41,370 --> 00:18:44,665
And the younger son is like,
"I want my money now."

359
00:18:45,374 --> 00:18:47,751
The dad's like, "Okay.
Not how inheritance works."

360
00:18:47,835 --> 00:18:49,586
"I'm fully alive, but here you go."

361
00:18:49,670 --> 00:18:51,463
So he gives the younger son his money.

362
00:18:51,547 --> 00:18:53,882
Then this piece of shit fucks right off.

363
00:18:53,966 --> 00:18:55,551
Did I mention I'm the oldest of four?

364
00:18:55,634 --> 00:18:58,428
This piece of shit fucks right off.

365
00:18:58,512 --> 00:18:59,513
How do they put it?

366
00:18:59,596 --> 00:19:01,932
"Squanders his wealth on wild living,"

367
00:19:02,015 --> 00:19:06,061
which is Bible for "blows it all
on Bitcoin and lap dances."

368
00:19:07,312 --> 00:19:12,651
He then has the audacity to come back
years later, like, "Sorry, Dad."

369
00:19:13,485 --> 00:19:16,738
"I lost all your money.
I suck. Can I come back?"

370
00:19:16,822 --> 00:19:20,659
And the older son was probably like,
"Yeah, finally. Finish him."

371
00:19:21,869 --> 00:19:22,870
And the dad goes,

372
00:19:24,288 --> 00:19:25,998
"My baby's home!"

373
00:19:26,081 --> 00:19:28,208
"Oh my God, let's throw him a big party."

374
00:19:28,292 --> 00:19:32,171
I know all the oldest kids in here,
we all have diarrhea right now.

375
00:19:32,254 --> 00:19:33,922
I know every oldest kid in here,

376
00:19:34,006 --> 00:19:36,967
your asshole went all the way
inside your body, you're so upset.

377
00:19:37,050 --> 00:19:39,303
Remember, people from the Bible
can't hurt you.

378
00:19:39,386 --> 00:19:41,346
They've been dead a long time, okay?

379
00:19:41,847 --> 00:19:42,764
We're almost done.

380
00:19:42,848 --> 00:19:45,225
So the older son is obviously pissed.

381
00:19:45,309 --> 00:19:47,936
He's like, "Dad,
I've done everything right my whole life,

382
00:19:48,020 --> 00:19:50,105
and you've never even thrown me
a small party."

383
00:19:50,189 --> 00:19:51,690
Look it up. He says that.

384
00:19:53,025 --> 00:19:55,360
And the dad is like, "Yeah, you're great."

385
00:19:56,361 --> 00:19:57,362
"Love you."

386
00:19:58,655 --> 00:20:00,616
"But your brother,

387
00:20:01,116 --> 00:20:04,328
he was lost, and now he's found."

388
00:20:04,411 --> 00:20:05,829
"So we celebrate."

389
00:20:05,913 --> 00:20:08,123
And if you ask a pastor
what that story is about,

390
00:20:08,207 --> 00:20:10,751
they'll tell you it's about
how you can live in sin

391
00:20:10,834 --> 00:20:12,419
and lose your way spiritually,

392
00:20:12,502 --> 00:20:14,838
but you can return to the Lord
and he'll forgive you.

393
00:20:14,922 --> 00:20:18,342
And if you ask me
what that story is about,

394
00:20:18,425 --> 00:20:22,638
I will tell you that it is about
how Jesus was an only child.

395
00:20:33,941 --> 00:20:36,693
Because I grew up in church,
I see Bible stories everywhere.

396
00:20:36,777 --> 00:20:38,028
Like, here's some fun ones.

397
00:20:38,111 --> 00:20:40,113
What about the 200 foreskins story?

398
00:20:40,197 --> 00:20:41,740
Do you know that one? No? Yeah?

399
00:20:41,823 --> 00:20:42,950
That's a deep cut.

400
00:20:43,033 --> 00:20:44,034
So…

401
00:20:45,619 --> 00:20:47,829
David wanted to marry Saul's daughter.

402
00:20:47,913 --> 00:20:50,040
Saul's like, "You can if you bring me

403
00:20:50,123 --> 00:20:52,459
the foreskins of 100 of my enemies,"

404
00:20:52,542 --> 00:20:55,003
which, like, whoa, Scorpio, am I right?

405
00:20:55,712 --> 00:20:58,340
Who has 100 enemies
and is thinking about their foreskins?

406
00:20:58,423 --> 00:21:02,010
Like, someone was born in deep November.

407
00:21:02,094 --> 00:21:04,638
So Saul's like,
"Get me 100 foreskins, and we'll talk."

408
00:21:04,721 --> 00:21:06,181
So David goes out,

409
00:21:06,265 --> 00:21:10,769
comes back with 200 foreskins,
and that's where the phrase

410
00:21:10,852 --> 00:21:14,273
"If he wanted to,
he would, ladies" comes from.

411
00:21:15,274 --> 00:21:18,568
Yeah. That's not from TikTok.
That's from the Bible.

412
00:21:20,237 --> 00:21:22,572
What about, uh… What about Job?

413
00:21:22,656 --> 00:21:23,740
Have we heard of Job?

414
00:21:23,824 --> 00:21:26,326
Job. Got some Job heads in the house.

415
00:21:26,410 --> 00:21:28,787
Job was this guy in the Bible.
He loved God so much.

416
00:21:28,870 --> 00:21:30,747
One day God and Satan are talking.

417
00:21:30,831 --> 00:21:33,959
They don't get into why,
but sometimes you call your ex,

418
00:21:34,042 --> 00:21:36,545
and everyone's like,
"What are you doing?" Right?

419
00:21:36,628 --> 00:21:38,839
So God and Satan are kicking it
for some reason.

420
00:21:38,922 --> 00:21:42,676
And Satan goes, "Hey, God.
I noticed that Job loves you a lot."

421
00:21:42,759 --> 00:21:44,511
And God's like, "Yeah."

422
00:21:45,762 --> 00:21:48,307
And Satan's like,
"I bet he wouldn't love you as much

423
00:21:48,390 --> 00:21:49,725
if I fucked with him enough."

424
00:21:49,808 --> 00:21:51,143
And God's like…

425
00:21:52,060 --> 00:21:54,354
"Okay, I'm bored. Let's see what you got."

426
00:21:54,438 --> 00:21:58,191
So Satan goes out,
and he ruins Job's life,

427
00:21:58,275 --> 00:22:01,236
but Job never forsakes God.

428
00:22:01,320 --> 00:22:03,572
And that is
what How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days

429
00:22:03,655 --> 00:22:04,906
is based off of.

430
00:22:08,118 --> 00:22:10,162
Matthew McConaughey is Job.

431
00:22:11,121 --> 00:22:12,831
Kate Hudson is Satan.

432
00:22:18,170 --> 00:22:20,213
Is there anyone in here
who grew up religious

433
00:22:20,297 --> 00:22:21,923
but is not religious anymore?

434
00:22:22,007 --> 00:22:24,009
[enthusiastic cheering]

435
00:22:25,427 --> 00:22:26,970
You're at the right show.

436
00:22:27,888 --> 00:22:29,639
Of those people, who saved people?

437
00:22:29,723 --> 00:22:31,767
Who spread the good news
while they were religious?

438
00:22:31,850 --> 00:22:33,810
-[scattered applause]
-Bit of a drop-off there.

439
00:22:33,894 --> 00:22:36,772
That's tough.
A lot of us didn't do the homework.

440
00:22:37,731 --> 00:22:40,984
You saved people,
but you're not religious anymore?

441
00:22:41,068 --> 00:22:43,195
Okay, do you ever feel…

442
00:22:43,278 --> 00:22:44,363
Serious question.

443
00:22:44,446 --> 00:22:48,367
Do you ever feel like maybe you should,
like, call those people?

444
00:22:49,493 --> 00:22:50,702
Just a courtesy call.

445
00:22:50,786 --> 00:22:53,914
"Remember what I told you about forever?
Ah, I don't know."

446
00:22:53,997 --> 00:22:56,208
What if those people get to heaven
and they're like,

447
00:22:56,291 --> 00:23:00,796
"Look, your sponsor's not in there,
so we didn't know you were coming."

448
00:23:00,879 --> 00:23:02,089
"I dunno. Are you sure?"

449
00:23:02,172 --> 00:23:03,673
"Maybe they holy ghosted you."

450
00:23:03,757 --> 00:23:05,175
"Ha! We're sorry."

451
00:23:05,258 --> 00:23:07,928
"For real, though, you gotta go to hell.
Sorry about that."

452
00:23:08,845 --> 00:23:10,847
I never saved anybody at all.

453
00:23:10,931 --> 00:23:12,557
Talking to someone who grew up Mormon,

454
00:23:12,641 --> 00:23:14,476
I was like, "You guys were saving people."

455
00:23:14,559 --> 00:23:16,812
And he was like,
"Oh yeah, baptism for the dead."

456
00:23:16,895 --> 00:23:18,772
You guys know what that is? I didn't know.

457
00:23:18,855 --> 00:23:20,273
Apparently, in Mormonism,

458
00:23:20,357 --> 00:23:23,443
sometimes they will save people
after they've died,

459
00:23:23,527 --> 00:23:27,739
which really takes the pressure off
of saving live people, doesn't it?

460
00:23:27,823 --> 00:23:31,284
When you can go, "Do you believe in God?"
And they're like, "No."

461
00:23:31,368 --> 00:23:33,537
You're like, "That's okay. We'll wait."

462
00:23:36,164 --> 00:23:37,582
Soon as they're dead, you're like,

463
00:23:37,666 --> 00:23:39,292
"Bibbidi-bobbidi-Mormon!"

464
00:23:45,298 --> 00:23:47,968
This is how you get a soul to heaven,
right?

465
00:23:48,051 --> 00:23:51,304
Like you're trying to get poop smell
out of your Hinge date's bathroom.

466
00:23:51,805 --> 00:23:56,059
If you're not laughing, you're married,
and fuck you, this joke's not for you.

467
00:23:56,560 --> 00:23:59,729
Enjoy shitting with the door open.
Some of us have to carry matches.

468
00:23:59,813 --> 00:24:01,022
Everywhere!

469
00:24:03,900 --> 00:24:07,195
My biggest issue with church wasn't
that they wanted us to save people.

470
00:24:07,279 --> 00:24:10,574
It's that they wouldn't
let you make a good point, right?

471
00:24:10,657 --> 00:24:12,951
Growing up in church,
you were like, "You have to admit,

472
00:24:13,034 --> 00:24:15,620
it was pretty messed up
when God did this in the Bible."

473
00:24:15,704 --> 00:24:17,497
They'd be like,
"That was the Old Testament."

474
00:24:17,581 --> 00:24:19,749
"That was before God stopped drinking."

475
00:24:19,833 --> 00:24:21,501
"Like, that was a different God."

476
00:24:21,585 --> 00:24:23,295
"He's kind of a fuck boy back there."

477
00:24:23,378 --> 00:24:25,172
"He had a kid,
and he's like, 'I'm different.'"

478
00:24:25,255 --> 00:24:28,091
"You know, he's like,
'I was in a fraternity.'"

479
00:24:28,175 --> 00:24:30,010
"'Of course I was drowning people.'"

480
00:24:30,093 --> 00:24:31,761
"Like, people change."

481
00:24:33,054 --> 00:24:36,433
Any unanswerable question at church,
they always said the same thing.

482
00:24:36,516 --> 00:24:38,643
They'd go, "That's a great question,

483
00:24:39,352 --> 00:24:43,315
and we can ask God that
when we get to heaven."

484
00:24:44,774 --> 00:24:49,237
Which, like, if you were God,
how pissed would you be

485
00:24:49,321 --> 00:24:52,365
that they were sending people up like that
with questions for you?

486
00:24:52,449 --> 00:24:54,075
You're God. You made everything, everyone.

487
00:24:54,159 --> 00:24:57,913
You just want to do
the "Ta-da, heaven" part.

488
00:24:57,996 --> 00:25:00,499
And now every time someone dies,
you have to do a…

489
00:25:01,208 --> 00:25:02,626
press conference?

490
00:25:03,376 --> 00:25:06,755
Every time someone dies,
you're like, "Hey, welcome to heaven."

491
00:25:06,838 --> 00:25:09,925
They're like, "But first, when a kid dies,
and they didn't get saved,

492
00:25:10,008 --> 00:25:11,218
that's automatic heaven?"

493
00:25:11,301 --> 00:25:14,513
"You wouldn't send a kid to hell,
right, God? Right, God?"

494
00:25:15,096 --> 00:25:17,057
And God's like, "Fucking… What…"

495
00:25:23,063 --> 00:25:25,774
"Seriously, dude?
You're in heaven, bitch."

496
00:25:25,857 --> 00:25:28,902
"Do you go to Disneyland like,
'Hope all the workers get benefits'?"

497
00:25:28,985 --> 00:25:30,195
"Like, shut up!"

498
00:25:32,614 --> 00:25:34,491
"You are a killjoy."

499
00:25:34,991 --> 00:25:36,910
"Yes, the kids are in heaven."

500
00:25:36,993 --> 00:25:41,122
"We muted the kids
so we could all enjoy heaven, but yes."

501
00:25:45,126 --> 00:25:47,420
That's a dark one.
I know. That's a dark one.

502
00:25:47,504 --> 00:25:50,298
I have a dark sense of humor,
partially 'cause I grew up in church.

503
00:25:50,382 --> 00:25:51,633
Church is a dark place.

504
00:25:51,716 --> 00:25:54,511
Every Sunday you go to a big room
where the underlying message is,

505
00:25:54,594 --> 00:25:57,305
"Won't it be great
when we all get to be dead with Daddy?"

506
00:25:57,389 --> 00:25:58,431
That's church.

507
00:25:59,766 --> 00:26:01,685
"Can't wait to be dead with Dada."

508
00:26:01,768 --> 00:26:03,270
That's church.

509
00:26:03,353 --> 00:26:04,980
But I can't blame church entirely.

510
00:26:05,063 --> 00:26:07,816
I also… I had a parent die really young.

511
00:26:07,899 --> 00:26:10,944
So my siblings and I
all have really dark senses of humor.

512
00:26:11,027 --> 00:26:12,946
I was talking
to my sibling Brinn recently.

513
00:26:13,029 --> 00:26:15,031
You know how you
and your siblings remember

514
00:26:15,115 --> 00:26:16,741
different parts of your childhood?

515
00:26:16,825 --> 00:26:19,703
So sometimes you get together,
and you're like, "Here's what I remember."

516
00:26:19,786 --> 00:26:20,787
"What have you got?"

517
00:26:20,870 --> 00:26:23,164
"Okay, let's put this all out on the table

518
00:26:23,248 --> 00:26:27,002
and figure out
what the fuck happened to us back there."

519
00:26:27,085 --> 00:26:29,379
So we were having a puzzle day at home.

520
00:26:30,171 --> 00:26:31,089
And I said,

521
00:26:31,172 --> 00:26:34,968
"Do you remember that hospice
grief support group we got sent to

522
00:26:35,051 --> 00:26:37,554
for kids whose parents
had died of cancer?"

523
00:26:37,637 --> 00:26:39,180
And Brinn goes, "Oh yeah."

524
00:26:39,264 --> 00:26:42,934
"Do you remember how
not everybody's parents were dead yet?"

525
00:26:43,602 --> 00:26:46,479
Yes, some of them still had active…

526
00:26:46,563 --> 00:26:50,233
I'm just saying, feels like
they could've put us in different rooms.

527
00:26:50,317 --> 00:26:53,778
Maybe do a "shirts and skins" situation.

528
00:26:53,862 --> 00:26:58,283
But they were like, "Christmas present,
Christmas future, discuss."

529
00:26:59,951 --> 00:27:02,203
"Something's comin' round the mountain."

530
00:27:02,287 --> 00:27:04,164
"You know what it is."

531
00:27:07,042 --> 00:27:08,501
That's not what I remembered.

532
00:27:08,585 --> 00:27:10,045
What I remembered

533
00:27:10,128 --> 00:27:13,048
is there was one kid in there
whose parent hadn't died.

534
00:27:13,131 --> 00:27:14,591
His uncle had died.

535
00:27:15,091 --> 00:27:17,719
And, um… look.

536
00:27:19,304 --> 00:27:21,056
I don't wanna be a bitch,

537
00:27:22,349 --> 00:27:25,018
but, like, our mom was dead.

538
00:27:26,019 --> 00:27:28,396
And it just kinda feels like…

539
00:27:33,401 --> 00:27:35,236
paper covers uncle.

540
00:27:35,320 --> 00:27:37,113
You know what I mean? Like…

541
00:27:37,197 --> 00:27:40,867
I'm just saying, this kid had parents.
He wasn't Spider-Man. Like…

542
00:27:41,409 --> 00:27:43,953
Some losses affect
who you are for the rest of your life,

543
00:27:44,037 --> 00:27:45,830
and some are your uncle.

544
00:27:45,914 --> 00:27:47,207
Like, what are we…

545
00:27:48,375 --> 00:27:49,959
When you have a parent die young,

546
00:27:50,043 --> 00:27:52,253
you think about death
more than other people.

547
00:27:52,337 --> 00:27:53,338
I certainly do.

548
00:27:53,421 --> 00:27:56,716
I tend to jump
to the worst possible scenario.

549
00:27:56,800 --> 00:27:58,968
I catastrophize constantly,

550
00:27:59,052 --> 00:28:01,388
much to the detriment
of many of my relationships.

551
00:28:01,471 --> 00:28:02,972
I was dating a guy once and I said,

552
00:28:03,056 --> 00:28:06,267
"Hey, babe, when you don't hear back
from me for a few hours,

553
00:28:06,351 --> 00:28:09,187
do you get scared that
something bad might've happened to me?"

554
00:28:09,270 --> 00:28:11,147
And he goes, "No."

555
00:28:12,982 --> 00:28:15,276
"I get scared you're mad at me."

556
00:28:16,986 --> 00:28:21,199
Men would rather you be dead
than mad at them.

557
00:28:21,282 --> 00:28:23,952
Men would rather be
in mourning than in trouble.

558
00:28:24,035 --> 00:28:25,328
That's the truth.

559
00:28:25,412 --> 00:28:28,289
If a guy misses five calls
from his wife, he's like,

560
00:28:28,373 --> 00:28:31,459
"Hope this is
the paramedic who found her."

561
00:28:36,172 --> 00:28:38,758
I also wish that joke didn't work.

562
00:28:40,760 --> 00:28:44,556
You know what's so funny to me
about men who kill their wives?

563
00:28:44,639 --> 00:28:46,391
Wait. Well, just wait.

564
00:28:46,474 --> 00:28:49,144
What's so funny to me
about men who kill their wives is

565
00:28:49,227 --> 00:28:51,146
they think they're gonna get away with it.

566
00:28:51,229 --> 00:28:52,647
And it's like, "Dude."

567
00:28:52,731 --> 00:28:56,401
"You've never planned a goddamn thing…

568
00:28:58,528 --> 00:29:00,613
in your whole life."

569
00:29:01,823 --> 00:29:05,201
"You've never made a dinner reservation,

570
00:29:05,285 --> 00:29:08,663
and now you're gonna hide a body?"

571
00:29:09,247 --> 00:29:13,460
"This is quite the maiden voyage
for event planning, dude."

572
00:29:13,543 --> 00:29:16,129
"Maybe start with a potluck."

573
00:29:18,757 --> 00:29:21,760
I do think I spent a lot of my life
being really scared of death.

574
00:29:21,843 --> 00:29:25,221
You know, anytime I wasn't
actively yearning for it, of course.

575
00:29:25,305 --> 00:29:28,183
Oh good, some depression in the room.
Thank God.

576
00:29:28,266 --> 00:29:30,518
I did that joke in Sweden,
they just stared at me.

577
00:29:30,602 --> 00:29:33,438
They were like,
"Sad for no reason? But how?"

578
00:29:33,521 --> 00:29:35,231
They didn't get it.

579
00:29:36,858 --> 00:29:38,568
A lot of this hour, Europe didn't get.

580
00:29:38,651 --> 00:29:40,820
They were like, "God? We have healthcare."

581
00:29:40,904 --> 00:29:43,198
"They give you God instead of healthcare?"

582
00:29:44,115 --> 00:29:45,742
"That doesn't seem like the same thing."

583
00:29:47,535 --> 00:29:51,456
If you have depression, you have
a complicated relationship with death.

584
00:29:51,539 --> 00:29:54,542
You sort of look at death
like it's the Phantom of the Opera.

585
00:29:54,626 --> 00:29:56,753
Most of the time you're like,
"That's scary."

586
00:29:56,836 --> 00:30:01,299
But then sometimes you're like, "I mean,
that side of his face is kind of hot."

587
00:30:03,510 --> 00:30:06,179
"Hear me out.
I could live underground. I don't know."

588
00:30:06,888 --> 00:30:08,640
This section is sad.

589
00:30:12,018 --> 00:30:14,604
I've been trying to face my fear of death
this past year.

590
00:30:14,687 --> 00:30:17,190
I wrote a will because a lot of my friends
were getting married,

591
00:30:17,273 --> 00:30:19,943
and I was like,
"I want to sign a scary document."

592
00:30:21,402 --> 00:30:25,240
Learned so much. If you don't have a will,
you gotta write one with a professional.

593
00:30:25,323 --> 00:30:27,617
That panicked note you write
on your phone during turbulence

594
00:30:27,700 --> 00:30:28,868
will not hold up in court.

595
00:30:28,952 --> 00:30:30,078
They taught me that.

596
00:30:30,161 --> 00:30:32,121
I thought for sure that was fine. Nope.

597
00:30:32,205 --> 00:30:33,331
Here's what I learned.

598
00:30:33,414 --> 00:30:34,415
I did not know this.

599
00:30:34,499 --> 00:30:36,042
If you die unexpectedly,

600
00:30:36,125 --> 00:30:38,753
your closest living relatives
are your parents,

601
00:30:38,837 --> 00:30:41,297
not your siblings, which is
what I thought 'cause I'm dumb.

602
00:30:41,381 --> 00:30:45,176
So if you die unexpectedly, your parents
will inherit everything you own

603
00:30:45,260 --> 00:30:47,637
unless you disinherit them in writing,

604
00:30:47,720 --> 00:30:49,973
like the petty bitch you are, right?

605
00:30:51,266 --> 00:30:54,519
I know some of you are sitting there
right now going, "Well, whatever."

606
00:30:54,602 --> 00:30:56,938
"I don't have a good relationship
with my parents,

607
00:30:57,021 --> 00:30:59,691
but I don't really have anything
for them to inherit."

608
00:30:59,774 --> 00:31:01,568
Do you have a TV?

609
00:31:03,194 --> 00:31:05,989
Do you think your shitty dad

610
00:31:06,072 --> 00:31:09,868
deserves an extra TV?

611
00:31:11,452 --> 00:31:14,664
Think your death should feel like
winning The Price Is Right for him?

612
00:31:14,747 --> 00:31:16,207
Fuck that. Call a lawyer.

613
00:31:27,802 --> 00:31:30,346
I had to make a lot of decisions
when I wrote my will.

614
00:31:30,430 --> 00:31:33,516
Choose who was gonna pull the plug
if I'm in a coma.

615
00:31:33,600 --> 00:31:36,686
I picked my sibling Brinn.
They are gonna inherit my money if I die.

616
00:31:36,769 --> 00:31:39,314
And I was like, "Earn it, dude," right?

617
00:31:39,939 --> 00:31:42,442
I go, "You decide when that money drops."

618
00:31:43,443 --> 00:31:46,529
They were like, "Okay,
if you're in a coma, not responding,

619
00:31:46,613 --> 00:31:49,115
what do you want me to do?
How long do you want me to wait?"

620
00:31:49,198 --> 00:31:53,119
I was like, "Here's what to do.
Start Parks and Rec from the beginning,

621
00:31:54,495 --> 00:31:58,249
and I want you to keep it playing
all day, all night in my hospital room."

622
00:31:58,333 --> 00:32:03,546
"If we get to the end of that show
and I have not woken up yet,

623
00:32:03,630 --> 00:32:05,924
start The Office."

624
00:32:07,926 --> 00:32:11,137
"And then when Steve Carell leaves,
just kill me."

625
00:32:12,096 --> 00:32:15,975
"Do not make me watch Andy be manager.
Don't do that to me again."

626
00:32:18,186 --> 00:32:19,562
"Don't do that."

627
00:32:24,525 --> 00:32:27,570
I had to decide what I want to happen
to my remains when I'm gone.

628
00:32:27,654 --> 00:32:30,490
Have you decided what you want
to happen to your bodies?

629
00:32:30,573 --> 00:32:33,493
-What are we going to do?
-[audience member 1] A tree pod!

630
00:32:33,576 --> 00:32:36,955
A tree pod? Yeah, that's nice.
I like that you say "tree pod."

631
00:32:37,038 --> 00:32:39,707
Once in a while, you get a girl,
like, "I'm gonna be a tree!"

632
00:32:39,791 --> 00:32:42,961
And you have to explain to her,
"You don't get to be the tree."

633
00:32:44,003 --> 00:32:45,546
"You're tree food. You're helping."

634
00:32:45,630 --> 00:32:47,799
"You're sort of like
a pageant mom to the tree."

635
00:32:47,882 --> 00:32:50,134
"Like, 'Go, baby, go.'"

636
00:32:50,218 --> 00:32:52,095
"'Be what I cannot,' right?"

637
00:32:52,679 --> 00:32:55,598
-Tree pod's great. What else?
-[audience member 2] Donating to science!

638
00:32:55,682 --> 00:32:56,766
Someone said… What?

639
00:32:56,849 --> 00:32:59,018
-Donating to science!
-Donating to science.

640
00:32:59,102 --> 00:33:02,313
What part of science?
What area of science are we thinking?

641
00:33:02,397 --> 00:33:05,316
-[audience member 2] Medical school.
-You have a medical school picked out.

642
00:33:05,400 --> 00:33:07,318
Not a specific area of science?

643
00:33:07,402 --> 00:33:09,487
Not like, "Keep it all above the neck…"

644
00:33:09,570 --> 00:33:14,325
I'm just saying,
do we trust a bunch of college kids…

645
00:33:15,827 --> 00:33:17,120
with our dead bodies?

646
00:33:17,203 --> 00:33:19,580
Do we feel like,
"Here's a dead mess of holes."

647
00:33:19,664 --> 00:33:21,249
"You decide what science is"?

648
00:33:21,332 --> 00:33:23,209
I'm not sure about that.

649
00:33:23,292 --> 00:33:25,211
I'd just leave specific instructions.

650
00:33:25,294 --> 00:33:27,714
That's my only thing.
Is anyone getting cremated?

651
00:33:27,797 --> 00:33:32,051
Yeah? Okay. I hope you have a plan
for where you want those ashes spread.

652
00:33:32,135 --> 00:33:35,304
Sometimes people go, "I don't know,"
and it's like, you are gonna end up

653
00:33:35,388 --> 00:33:37,223
somewhere weird if you don't.

654
00:33:37,306 --> 00:33:42,270
Your ashes are gonna end up in, like,
the cupholder in your driver's side door.

655
00:33:42,353 --> 00:33:44,647
That weird one
where every six months you're like,

656
00:33:44,731 --> 00:33:47,775
"Was that an oat milk latte once?"
Like, that's…

657
00:33:47,859 --> 00:33:49,318
The best answer I got recently,

658
00:33:49,402 --> 00:33:52,405
a guy yelled out, "Viking funeral."

659
00:33:53,573 --> 00:33:56,701
Yeah. Some guy in the crowd
just yelled out, "Viking funeral!"

660
00:33:56,784 --> 00:33:59,620
And I was like, "Okay,
I mean, that's cool if you want that."

661
00:33:59,704 --> 00:34:02,623
"Hope you have a niece or nephew
you're sending to summer camp

662
00:34:02,707 --> 00:34:04,208
that can make that shot."

663
00:34:04,292 --> 00:34:06,836
'Cause that's a hard shot to make.

664
00:34:06,919 --> 00:34:09,839
The boat gets smaller and smaller
the further away it gets.

665
00:34:09,922 --> 00:34:12,508
And if they miss,
that's not a Viking funeral anymore.

666
00:34:12,592 --> 00:34:15,053
That's just a dead guy in a boat.

667
00:34:16,095 --> 00:34:18,222
And that is not as festive, is it?

668
00:34:18,306 --> 00:34:20,141
That's Stand By Me 2.

669
00:34:23,394 --> 00:34:25,438
I'd like to be cremated, personally,

670
00:34:25,521 --> 00:34:28,775
because I like that you can inconvenience
your family after you're gone.

671
00:34:28,858 --> 00:34:29,776
That's fun for me.

672
00:34:29,859 --> 00:34:33,279
'Cause who's going to say no
to taking your ashes home, first off?

673
00:34:33,362 --> 00:34:37,700
Like, "Oh, I couldn't possibly.
There's no room at my house."

674
00:34:37,784 --> 00:34:40,203
"We're full up on haunted cups."

675
00:34:40,286 --> 00:34:43,998
Like, "Nice try. Take me home.
I'm so small," right?

676
00:34:44,499 --> 00:34:46,876
Then if you want your family
to spread you somewhere,

677
00:34:46,959 --> 00:34:48,669
depending on how you feel
about your family,

678
00:34:48,753 --> 00:34:50,296
that's where you send them, right?

679
00:34:50,379 --> 00:34:53,758
If you love your family, you're like,
"I'd like you to spread me in Hawaii

680
00:34:53,841 --> 00:34:57,053
over seven days of PTO.
That's what I'd like."

681
00:34:57,804 --> 00:34:59,055
"Love you guys, miss you."

682
00:34:59,138 --> 00:35:00,973
If you don't like your family,
you can be like,

683
00:35:01,057 --> 00:35:03,476
"Have you been to Toledo?"

684
00:35:09,816 --> 00:35:11,567
"In January?"

685
00:35:12,735 --> 00:35:17,115
"Actually, no, no, I want you to do it
right between Christmas and New Year's."

686
00:35:19,742 --> 00:35:20,993
My mom was cremated.

687
00:35:21,077 --> 00:35:24,205
And after my mom died,
my dad got remarried.

688
00:35:24,288 --> 00:35:27,667
And when my dad got remarried,
he gave my mom's ashes to my grandma,

689
00:35:27,750 --> 00:35:30,336
because return to sender, I guess.

690
00:35:31,504 --> 00:35:33,131
You're right. I am so sorry.

691
00:35:33,214 --> 00:35:35,216
Return to manufacturer. That's what it is.

692
00:35:36,676 --> 00:35:39,220
His reasoning was… He was like,
"Look, I'm getting remarried,

693
00:35:39,303 --> 00:35:42,557
and I just… I can't take these
into another woman's home."

694
00:35:42,640 --> 00:35:44,183
And as his daughter, I was like,

695
00:35:44,267 --> 00:35:45,726
"Yes, you can."

696
00:35:46,352 --> 00:35:50,064
But as an adult woman now,
I'm like, "Oh no, you can't."

697
00:35:50,773 --> 00:35:54,235
I've dated straight men. I don't like
when they follow their exes on Instagram.

698
00:35:54,318 --> 00:35:58,072
You're telling me if he brought
a little baggie of her bones inside

699
00:35:58,573 --> 00:36:00,992
and was like,
"This lives under the TV forever,"

700
00:36:01,075 --> 00:36:03,161
I'd be like, "Cool, love that there"?

701
00:36:03,244 --> 00:36:05,329
No, I'd be passive-aggressive at best.

702
00:36:05,413 --> 00:36:09,208
I would probably
flush a teaspoon of her every day. Just…

703
00:36:29,478 --> 00:36:32,273
Until one day he picked it up
and was like, "The urn feels lighter."

704
00:36:32,356 --> 00:36:33,983
I'm like, "Maybe she lost weight."

705
00:36:34,066 --> 00:36:37,737
"Uh, not you body-shaming the urn, babe."

706
00:36:38,821 --> 00:36:41,949
Know what's funny about that joke?
I don't even feel that way anymore.

707
00:36:42,033 --> 00:36:43,826
A younger version of me felt that way.

708
00:36:43,910 --> 00:36:46,954
When you're single in your thirties,
you don't care about so much.

709
00:36:47,038 --> 00:36:50,082
You kind of just want someone
who's not going to bug you.

710
00:36:50,166 --> 00:36:53,085
That's really… In my twenties,
I was so insecure, so toxic.

711
00:36:53,169 --> 00:36:55,963
I was like, "I need to be
someone's first and only true love,

712
00:36:56,047 --> 00:36:57,256
their one and only wife."

713
00:36:57,340 --> 00:37:00,176
"I need to be with someone
who does not watch pornography."

714
00:37:00,259 --> 00:37:03,346
Now I'm like, "Jerk off to your dead wife
if you want, I don't care."

715
00:37:05,056 --> 00:37:06,849
"You wanna put her bones under the TV?"

716
00:37:06,933 --> 00:37:09,227
"Is the TV playing my show?"

717
00:37:09,310 --> 00:37:10,311
"Then that's great."

718
00:37:11,062 --> 00:37:13,147
"You put as many bitches
up there as you want."

719
00:37:13,231 --> 00:37:16,275
"We'll watch Love is Blind as a family."

720
00:37:22,949 --> 00:37:24,909
I told my buddy Dustin that, and he goes,

721
00:37:24,992 --> 00:37:29,038
"What if you married a guy
who was still in love with his dead wife?"

722
00:37:29,121 --> 00:37:31,958
And I was like,
"She's not coming back. What do I…"

723
00:37:32,458 --> 00:37:34,168
"That's his thing to deal with."

724
00:37:34,252 --> 00:37:37,046
"Lock yourself in the bathroom,
smell her shirts, cry it out,

725
00:37:37,129 --> 00:37:39,423
but we're going to Chili's at 5:00."

726
00:37:41,592 --> 00:37:43,844
"And the coupon's for two, not three."

727
00:37:43,928 --> 00:37:47,056
"So get it all out of your system, babe."

728
00:37:47,139 --> 00:37:50,142
"Hell, jerk off into the urn if you want."

729
00:37:50,226 --> 00:37:51,894
"When life gives you lemons,

730
00:37:51,978 --> 00:37:54,272
make cement or whatever. It's…"

731
00:37:55,856 --> 00:37:57,066
It's romantic!

732
00:37:57,149 --> 00:38:00,027
She can swallow one last time.

733
00:38:09,120 --> 00:38:11,122
Shame on you for laughing at that.

734
00:38:15,459 --> 00:38:19,630
I do think my fear of death
has propelled me professionally.

735
00:38:19,714 --> 00:38:21,674
It's made me sort of a workaholic,
probably.

736
00:38:21,757 --> 00:38:24,719
I was doing two full-time jobs
for the last couple of years.

737
00:38:24,802 --> 00:38:26,679
Touring, doing stand-up on weekends,

738
00:38:26,762 --> 00:38:30,016
then I was hosting a late-night show
called After Midnight during the week.

739
00:38:30,099 --> 00:38:31,225
-[cheering]
-Thank you.

740
00:38:32,685 --> 00:38:34,228
Thank you, that's very nice.

741
00:38:34,979 --> 00:38:38,149
Great experience, learned so much,
worked with great people.

742
00:38:38,232 --> 00:38:41,110
I had an assistant on set,
which I initially did not want.

743
00:38:41,193 --> 00:38:45,698
It is a slippery slope, having someone
whose whole job is to fetch you snacks.

744
00:38:45,781 --> 00:38:47,950
Day one, you're like,
"Could I borrow a phone charger?"

745
00:38:48,034 --> 00:38:50,494
Next, "Could I just grab a LaCroix?"
Before you know it,

746
00:38:50,578 --> 00:38:53,706
you're like, "Could you just hold
both my hands until I fall asleep?"

747
00:38:55,207 --> 00:38:56,709
My assistant's name was Molly.

748
00:38:56,792 --> 00:38:57,752
Molly was incredible.

749
00:38:57,835 --> 00:39:01,005
Molly was so good at her job,
I'm definitely gonna die alone now,

750
00:39:01,088 --> 00:39:03,299
because the standard of care
in relationships

751
00:39:03,382 --> 00:39:06,177
is now Molly, all right?

752
00:39:06,260 --> 00:39:07,678
Here's how good Molly was.

753
00:39:07,762 --> 00:39:10,389
My first day on the Paramount lot,
I drive into the lot,

754
00:39:10,473 --> 00:39:12,016
I park in a reserved spot for me,

755
00:39:12,099 --> 00:39:15,978
and there's a big bush sort of growing in
to the driver's side door, right?

756
00:39:16,062 --> 00:39:19,357
Nothing crazy. Just enough to make it
kind of hard to shimmy out, right?

757
00:39:19,440 --> 00:39:21,734
A few bees buzzing around,
so I kind of did… [grunts]

758
00:39:21,817 --> 00:39:24,236
One of those before I was like,
"Nice to meet you, Molly."

759
00:39:24,320 --> 00:39:25,696
That's all that happened.

760
00:39:25,780 --> 00:39:27,365
I didn't complain about the bush.

761
00:39:27,448 --> 00:39:29,492
I didn't report the bush to anyone.

762
00:39:29,575 --> 00:39:32,787
Molly just witnessed the bush
touch me a little.

763
00:39:34,538 --> 00:39:38,584
I drive onto the lot the next day,
park in my spot,

764
00:39:38,667 --> 00:39:41,420
and the bush was gone.

765
00:39:42,630 --> 00:39:47,176
And I went, "Molly,
did you have them cut down this bush?"

766
00:39:47,259 --> 00:39:50,429
And she goes, "Yep,
and I had them spray for bees."

767
00:39:54,850 --> 00:39:57,520
Yeah. And I went, "Okay."

768
00:39:57,603 --> 00:39:59,522
"No one fuck with Molly."

769
00:40:00,064 --> 00:40:03,025
I… She had that bush whacked, literally.

770
00:40:03,109 --> 00:40:05,569
I… I couldn't talk casual shit around her.

771
00:40:05,653 --> 00:40:07,905
I didn't know what she would do.

772
00:40:07,988 --> 00:40:11,242
I couldn't come in on a Tuesday like,
"Dave's kinda bugging me today,"

773
00:40:11,325 --> 00:40:15,704
'cause I'd come in Wednesday like,
"Hey, where's Dave?"

774
00:40:15,788 --> 00:40:18,249
"He's with the bees, Taylor."

775
00:40:28,717 --> 00:40:31,679
"You flinched in his presence,
so I took care of it."

776
00:40:33,514 --> 00:40:36,267
First time I'd ever had a corporate job,
so I got HR training.

777
00:40:36,350 --> 00:40:39,103
Never had that before.
There's no HR in stand-up comedy.

778
00:40:39,186 --> 00:40:40,396
It's the opposite, in fact.

779
00:40:40,479 --> 00:40:44,024
Like, "Are you harassing people?
Great job, start a podcast."

780
00:40:45,484 --> 00:40:47,570
It was fun, that HR training.
I learned a lot.

781
00:40:47,653 --> 00:40:50,781
Did you know we're allowed
to fuck people at work? Did you know that?

782
00:40:50,865 --> 00:40:53,284
Well, people from work.
You gotta take them somewhere else.

783
00:40:53,367 --> 00:40:57,663
But I thought everyone at work
was off-limits romantically.

784
00:40:57,746 --> 00:40:59,748
Not according to Jill from HR.

785
00:40:59,832 --> 00:41:02,376
She's like, "No, you can date,
just tell us if you are."

786
00:41:02,460 --> 00:41:04,962
I go, "Because then
you'll tell our higher-up bosses."

787
00:41:05,045 --> 00:41:08,090
And then she goes, "No,
you just have to tell us." And I was like,

788
00:41:08,174 --> 00:41:10,968
who are these sick little freaks in HR

789
00:41:11,051 --> 00:41:12,970
who are like,
"No, you can fuck each other,

790
00:41:13,053 --> 00:41:15,306
you just have to tell us everything"?

791
00:41:16,223 --> 00:41:19,143
"Was it good?
Do you have photos for the PowerPoint?"

792
00:41:19,643 --> 00:41:22,813
That PowerPoint was fun, where they go
through different scenarios, ask you,

793
00:41:22,897 --> 00:41:24,315
"Appropriate or inappropriate?"

794
00:41:24,398 --> 00:41:27,026
Spoiler alert, they're all inappropriate.
I didn't know.

795
00:41:27,109 --> 00:41:29,987
I thought they were supposed to inspire
conversation and debate.

796
00:41:30,070 --> 00:41:33,115
No, they're all a clear thumbs down
if you know what you're doing.

797
00:41:33,199 --> 00:41:34,700
I had my own private HR training.

798
00:41:34,783 --> 00:41:37,411
Probably because they knew
I was the weakest link on set.

799
00:41:37,495 --> 00:41:38,871
They did it during hair and makeup.

800
00:41:38,954 --> 00:41:41,832
It was me, Deb, and Havana,
who did my hair and makeup for the show.

801
00:41:41,916 --> 00:41:43,751
Jill's going through
the different scenarios.

802
00:41:43,834 --> 00:41:45,920
She goes, "All right,
scenario number one."

803
00:41:46,003 --> 00:41:48,130
"Kyle tells Sharon on her birthday,

804
00:41:48,214 --> 00:41:51,175
'Doesn't matter how old you get,
I would still be down,'

805
00:41:51,258 --> 00:41:52,343
and he winks at her."

806
00:41:52,426 --> 00:41:54,178
"Is that appropriate?"

807
00:41:54,261 --> 00:41:55,387
And we were like,

808
00:41:55,471 --> 00:41:58,140
"Do you have a picture of Kyle?"

809
00:42:04,855 --> 00:42:07,358
"Is it the next slide?
How tall is Kyle? What's he smell like?"

810
00:42:07,441 --> 00:42:09,818
"What's he working with?
How old's Sharon? Is she ovulating?"

811
00:42:09,902 --> 00:42:14,365
"We don't have enough information
to answer the prompts, Jill."

812
00:42:16,450 --> 00:42:18,702
My favorite thing about
being on a network TV show

813
00:42:18,786 --> 00:42:22,915
is that they'd bleep all the bad words
and cut some of the more raunchy stuff,

814
00:42:22,998 --> 00:42:25,668
which means my religious grandparents
could watch the show

815
00:42:25,751 --> 00:42:28,837
and it wouldn't hurt their ears
as much as my stand-up does.

816
00:42:29,380 --> 00:42:32,466
Not to say that my grandparents
aren't supportive. They really are.

817
00:42:32,550 --> 00:42:35,970
Uh, I think that they're doing
a really good job

818
00:42:36,053 --> 00:42:39,431
trying to understand where their liberal,
agnostic grandkids are coming from.

819
00:42:39,515 --> 00:42:42,351
I can't stand it when people are
too hard on their grandparents.

820
00:42:42,434 --> 00:42:45,229
If your grandparents are
trying to understand you,

821
00:42:45,312 --> 00:42:48,482
give them some grace
if they mess up, terms-wise.

822
00:42:48,566 --> 00:42:51,402
When people are like, "My grandma
cannot remember my pronouns,"

823
00:42:51,485 --> 00:42:54,363
I'm like,
"Does your grandma remember her address?"

824
00:42:55,698 --> 00:42:58,117
Grandma's got bigger fish to fry.
The light is coming.

825
00:42:58,200 --> 00:43:00,202
Also, do you know how old your grandma is?

826
00:43:00,286 --> 00:43:03,581
I don't. Mine's been 62 for 40 years.

827
00:43:04,665 --> 00:43:07,960
Also, you're taking more pictures
of your grandparents than ever before,

828
00:43:08,043 --> 00:43:11,797
and they've gotta know why,
and that can't feel good.

829
00:43:20,222 --> 00:43:23,183
My grandparents were
the best example I have in my life

830
00:43:23,267 --> 00:43:24,518
of Christianity done right.

831
00:43:24,602 --> 00:43:28,147
They're very loving,
forgiving, nonjudgmental people.

832
00:43:28,230 --> 00:43:29,481
My siblings and I are agnostic.

833
00:43:29,565 --> 00:43:31,400
We didn't grow up with that Christianity.

834
00:43:31,483 --> 00:43:33,402
We grew up in our scary Christian house.

835
00:43:33,485 --> 00:43:35,821
When you grow up with something
that hurts you as a kid,

836
00:43:35,904 --> 00:43:39,617
you don't really want it in your
Barbie dream house as a grown-up, right?

837
00:43:39,700 --> 00:43:41,827
I also don't wear belts
or use wooden spoons.

838
00:43:41,910 --> 00:43:43,954
That's not a coincidence, okay?

839
00:43:44,038 --> 00:43:46,373
Oh, thank God,
we were all lightly abused. I…

840
00:43:47,041 --> 00:43:48,917
Again, did that joke in Sweden,

841
00:43:49,001 --> 00:43:51,337
thought they were gonna call somebody.
It was…

842
00:43:52,171 --> 00:43:56,383
I… There is nothing worse than admitting
to a room full of people that you got hit

843
00:43:56,467 --> 00:43:59,595
when they got tucked in at night.
It is humiliating.

844
00:44:01,138 --> 00:44:03,307
I don't keep anything in my house
that hurt me as a kid.

845
00:44:03,390 --> 00:44:06,143
No Bibles, no belts,
no Bridge to Terabithia.

846
00:44:14,360 --> 00:44:18,906
I'm hoping the author sees this
and writes me a personalized apology.

847
00:44:21,325 --> 00:44:26,664
I do think that when you grow up
in a scary, religious environment,

848
00:44:26,747 --> 00:44:28,666
you spend a lot of your young adulthood

849
00:44:28,749 --> 00:44:32,628
untangling who you are
from who they wanted you to be.

850
00:44:32,711 --> 00:44:35,964
Like, I just came out as queer
in the last couple of years, and…

851
00:44:36,048 --> 00:44:38,175
-[cheering]
-Oh, thank you.

852
00:44:38,258 --> 00:44:39,426
Thank you. That's…

853
00:44:40,260 --> 00:44:42,763
That's really nice of you,
because let me tell you,

854
00:44:42,846 --> 00:44:45,683
coming out as bisexual at 30
feels like saying to a waiter,

855
00:44:45,766 --> 00:44:47,935
"By the way, it's my birthday."

856
00:44:50,229 --> 00:44:53,023
They're like, "Cool, sing to yourself.
You're a grown woman."

857
00:44:53,524 --> 00:44:56,318
You're like, "Excuse me,
I was very brave. I just came out."

858
00:44:56,402 --> 00:44:59,196
They're like, "Yeah,
but the coast was clear, wasn't it, babe?"

859
00:45:00,364 --> 00:45:02,741
I would've come out sooner,
but I have three younger siblings,

860
00:45:02,825 --> 00:45:04,576
they're all queer,
and they kept coming out.

861
00:45:04,660 --> 00:45:07,621
They just kept popping out
like little groundhogs.

862
00:45:07,705 --> 00:45:09,164
Every time another popped out,

863
00:45:09,248 --> 00:45:13,293
I was like, "Well, that's six more months
of heterosexuality for me, I guess."

864
00:45:14,670 --> 00:45:16,630
I was also hesitant
to come out as bisexual

865
00:45:16,714 --> 00:45:18,298
because there's a stigma around it.

866
00:45:18,382 --> 00:45:22,886
When you say you're bisexual, a lot of
people assume that you are good at sex,

867
00:45:22,970 --> 00:45:24,179
and I'm not, guys.

868
00:45:24,263 --> 00:45:27,057
And I refuse to get better, all right?

869
00:45:27,141 --> 00:45:29,893
I'm not learning any more tricks, okay?

870
00:45:29,977 --> 00:45:32,980
I turned 30, I was like, "Shut it down."

871
00:45:33,063 --> 00:45:35,441
As Jesus said, "It is finished."

872
00:45:36,775 --> 00:45:38,318
I'm hitting "Save progress."

873
00:45:38,402 --> 00:45:40,404
I'm gonna die on this level.

874
00:45:41,280 --> 00:45:44,450
But I didn't wanna tarnish
the brand of bisexuality.

875
00:45:44,533 --> 00:45:46,118
I didn't wanna bring down the team.

876
00:45:46,201 --> 00:45:51,123
I have so many queer friends who are
so open and free with their sexualities.

877
00:45:51,206 --> 00:45:52,249
It's like, it's so fun.

878
00:45:52,332 --> 00:45:55,043
I have so many, like,
Samanthas in my friend group,

879
00:45:55,127 --> 00:45:56,920
and they're so fun and inspiring,

880
00:45:57,004 --> 00:46:01,508
but I also think we need
some gay prude representation as well.

881
00:46:01,592 --> 00:46:04,094
I think we need more gay prudes
to stand up and go,

882
00:46:04,178 --> 00:46:07,514
"I too am bisexual.
I'm attracted to all of you,

883
00:46:07,598 --> 00:46:09,558
and I trust no one."

884
00:46:17,107 --> 00:46:19,818
"I would, but I will not."

885
00:46:20,319 --> 00:46:22,070
It's also scary to say you're bisexual

886
00:46:22,154 --> 00:46:24,531
for the same reason
it's scary to say you're suicidal.

887
00:46:24,615 --> 00:46:28,494
There's always people like, "If you don't
go all the way, you just want attention."

888
00:46:31,997 --> 00:46:32,998
I know.

889
00:46:35,167 --> 00:46:38,462
Know who likes that joke? Queer people.
Queer people get that joke.

890
00:46:38,545 --> 00:46:42,341
Straight people are like, "Oh my God,
there were so many sad words."

891
00:46:43,967 --> 00:46:45,385
Which is fair, you're right.

892
00:46:45,886 --> 00:46:47,346
No offense, straight guys.

893
00:46:47,429 --> 00:46:51,517
I have to say, I am so glad that straight
men are not my only option anymore.

894
00:46:51,600 --> 00:46:53,477
That was bleak. That was tough.

895
00:46:53,560 --> 00:46:57,314
And it's not because you're bad people,
you're just so hard to communicate with.

896
00:46:57,397 --> 00:46:58,690
I mean… And I tried.

897
00:46:58,774 --> 00:47:02,194
I've been to couples therapy
with a lot of dudes. Never been married.

898
00:47:02,277 --> 00:47:03,737
That's embarrassing.

899
00:47:04,696 --> 00:47:05,864
Know how embarrassing it is

900
00:47:05,948 --> 00:47:08,492
to break up with someone
you've been to couples therapy with?

901
00:47:08,575 --> 00:47:10,118
You live the rest of your life

902
00:47:10,202 --> 00:47:13,163
with useless information
about some dude's childhood.

903
00:47:13,247 --> 00:47:16,041
You're like, "Cool, guess I'll just
go the rest of my days

904
00:47:16,124 --> 00:47:19,169
knowing what triggers Michael.
That sucks."

905
00:47:21,129 --> 00:47:25,884
I also couldn't get on the same page with
a lot of my boyfriends about our future.

906
00:47:25,968 --> 00:47:28,971
Like, I used to only want to adopt
if I was gonna have kids.

907
00:47:29,054 --> 00:47:30,764
Every straight guy I dated was like,

908
00:47:30,848 --> 00:47:32,850
"No, it's gonna look like me,
or I'll eat it."

909
00:47:32,933 --> 00:47:33,934
Every guy.

910
00:47:34,768 --> 00:47:38,522
Which, hey, I've never been a father,
maybe that's true, right?

911
00:47:38,605 --> 00:47:40,983
I had one boyfriend
who said he'd use a surrogate.

912
00:47:41,066 --> 00:47:44,069
He was open to that idea, which…
I do love the idea of a surrogate.

913
00:47:44,152 --> 00:47:46,822
What a power move.
"Can you hold this for nine months?"

914
00:47:46,905 --> 00:47:50,951
"I'm… I'm so busy.
I'm getting a call. Don't eat fish."

915
00:47:52,077 --> 00:47:54,872
You breeze back in nine months later,
their guts are everywhere,

916
00:47:54,955 --> 00:47:55,873
you have a blowout.

917
00:47:55,956 --> 00:47:57,833
You're like, "Thank you so much."

918
00:47:57,916 --> 00:47:59,126
"Thank you."

919
00:47:59,209 --> 00:48:02,880
"Hey, hey, you're glowing. You're brave.
Money's on the nightstand. Five stars."

920
00:48:02,963 --> 00:48:04,965
"Bye!"

921
00:48:12,055 --> 00:48:13,348
You're like, "That was a lot."

922
00:48:13,432 --> 00:48:16,101
"I'm gonna do
no-contact delivery next time."

923
00:48:16,810 --> 00:48:18,103
"You're in the right place."

924
00:48:18,186 --> 00:48:21,231
"Leave it on the porch, take a picture.
I'll get it when you're gone."

925
00:48:22,316 --> 00:48:23,775
"No, you're at the right house."

926
00:48:23,859 --> 00:48:26,778
"Look, if I was an extrovert,
I would have had it myself, so."

927
00:48:28,322 --> 00:48:29,823
I'm not sure if I want kids now.

928
00:48:29,907 --> 00:48:33,201
I go back and forth on
whether or not I want kids so often

929
00:48:33,285 --> 00:48:35,287
that sometimes I just
wanna get my tubes tied

930
00:48:35,370 --> 00:48:37,664
because that feels like
the reproductive equivalent

931
00:48:37,748 --> 00:48:41,001
of pouring water on brownies in the trash.

932
00:48:48,342 --> 00:48:51,053
You know, when you're like,
"I'm gonna want these later."

933
00:48:53,722 --> 00:48:55,682
"But I'm thinking straight now."

934
00:48:56,934 --> 00:48:59,436
"So I'm gonna remove the option."

935
00:48:59,519 --> 00:49:01,271
If you're not laughing, congrats on having

936
00:49:01,355 --> 00:49:03,482
a healthy relationship with food
your whole life.

937
00:49:06,485 --> 00:49:09,404
Do we have any moms in here
that wouldn't mind… Oh good.

938
00:49:09,488 --> 00:49:11,365
You're like, "Yes, I am!" I love that.

939
00:49:11,448 --> 00:49:13,867
…that wouldn't mind
personal questions about childbirth?

940
00:49:13,951 --> 00:49:15,994
Love it, your hand's still up, love that.

941
00:49:16,078 --> 00:49:17,245
Moms are so cool.

942
00:49:17,329 --> 00:49:19,289
They're like, "Yeah, sure,
I'm an open book."

943
00:49:19,373 --> 00:49:22,376
"Literally. They cracked my spine
on the way out, so."

944
00:49:22,459 --> 00:49:24,086
"I would love to share."

945
00:49:24,169 --> 00:49:25,754
Okay, how many kids do you have?

946
00:49:25,837 --> 00:49:28,215
-[mom] Two.
-Two? Nice. How old are they?

947
00:49:28,298 --> 00:49:29,716
-[mom] 16 and 18.
-16 and 18?

948
00:49:29,800 --> 00:49:31,510
Thank God, they're like full people.

949
00:49:31,593 --> 00:49:34,262
When people have babies, I just freeze up.

950
00:49:34,346 --> 00:49:36,682
I'm like, "Oh, does it walk, talk?"

951
00:49:38,016 --> 00:49:41,144
"Has it opened its eyes, or…"

952
00:49:41,228 --> 00:49:43,355
"Has it dried out?
They come out slick, right?"

953
00:49:43,438 --> 00:49:45,649
"Yeah, yeah, got a grip on it."

954
00:49:46,400 --> 00:49:47,901
Okay, you got teenagers.

955
00:49:47,985 --> 00:49:50,612
Did you have your kids
out the main terminal?

956
00:49:51,655 --> 00:49:54,074
I thought that was
a classy way of putting it.

957
00:49:54,157 --> 00:49:57,869
Okay, so I've talked to a lot of women
on this tour who have told me…

958
00:49:57,953 --> 00:50:00,706
Because I'm very scared of childbirth,
which makes sense.

959
00:50:00,789 --> 00:50:06,128
I grew up in church, where not even
abstinence could protect you fully, right?

960
00:50:08,046 --> 00:50:09,589
They told you the story of Mary.

961
00:50:09,673 --> 00:50:13,593
They're like, "Yeah, keep your knees
closed, hope God doesn't pick you." Like…

962
00:50:16,054 --> 00:50:19,433
It adds a whole other
layer of fear to childbirth.

963
00:50:19,516 --> 00:50:21,309
Childbirth is already terrifying.

964
00:50:21,393 --> 00:50:23,478
What if it's breech? What if it's sick?

965
00:50:23,562 --> 00:50:24,980
What if it's God?

966
00:50:26,648 --> 00:50:28,066
So I'm very scared of childbirth,

967
00:50:28,150 --> 00:50:29,985
and I've talked to a lot of moms
on this tour

968
00:50:30,068 --> 00:50:34,448
who've told me that when you're pushing,
a lot of times your body's like,

969
00:50:34,531 --> 00:50:36,241
"We know what you're looking for."

970
00:50:37,200 --> 00:50:39,745
"Coming right up, ding, ding, ding."

971
00:50:39,828 --> 00:50:42,998
And at some point during the process,
in addition to a baby,

972
00:50:43,081 --> 00:50:44,499
you may also push out…

973
00:50:44,583 --> 00:50:46,126
Did you poop? Yeah?

974
00:50:46,209 --> 00:50:47,461
Thank you for being honest.

975
00:50:47,544 --> 00:50:48,670
Thank you so much.

976
00:50:48,754 --> 00:50:51,256
Here's what I've learned,
asking that for the last couple years.

977
00:50:51,339 --> 00:50:54,176
There's only two correct answers
to "Did you poop during childbirth?"

978
00:50:54,259 --> 00:50:56,803
"Yes, I did" and "I do not recall."

979
00:50:59,056 --> 00:51:02,100
"Yes, I did" or none of my business.

980
00:51:02,184 --> 00:51:06,021
Some moms talk about childbirth like
it's a music festival they went to once.

981
00:51:06,104 --> 00:51:08,815
They're like, "I was on a lot of drugs."

982
00:51:09,858 --> 00:51:11,943
"I think your dad was there,
I don't know."

983
00:51:12,027 --> 00:51:15,447
All I remember is I kept yelling,
'Play my song, bitch!'"

984
00:51:16,656 --> 00:51:19,451
"And they made me leave
before I was ready."

985
00:51:22,579 --> 00:51:25,832
The first time I ever asked someone,
I was at a comedy club in Dallas, Texas.

986
00:51:25,916 --> 00:51:29,127
A woman in the front row goes,
"Three kids, never pooped."

987
00:51:29,211 --> 00:51:31,797
And there was a table of nurses nearby

988
00:51:31,880 --> 00:51:34,758
who were wasted, you guys,

989
00:51:34,841 --> 00:51:37,135
who started scream-laughing at her.

990
00:51:37,219 --> 00:51:41,473
"Everybody poops, every single person,

991
00:51:41,556 --> 00:51:46,311
and if you think you didn't,
then we fucking lied to you."

992
00:51:52,776 --> 00:51:55,987
And I had to watch
this whole woman's world change.

993
00:51:56,655 --> 00:51:57,948
It was like The Truman Show.

994
00:51:58,031 --> 00:52:00,117
I felt so bad.
I was trying to save the vibe.

995
00:52:00,200 --> 00:52:01,493
"Hey, babe, don't feel bad."

996
00:52:01,576 --> 00:52:04,746
"Even if I, you know, airlift mine out,
I'm gonna poop on that table

997
00:52:04,830 --> 00:52:06,915
just to show them who's boss, right?"

998
00:52:12,504 --> 00:52:15,382
To be clear, when I say that
I came out in the last couple of years,

999
00:52:15,465 --> 00:52:16,800
I just mean publicly, right?

1000
00:52:16,883 --> 00:52:19,261
Like, I came out to friends
earlier than that,

1001
00:52:19,344 --> 00:52:22,055
but I don't think I did it right.
I was too casual about it.

1002
00:52:22,139 --> 00:52:24,599
I think I was supposed to do,
like, an episode of Glee,

1003
00:52:24,683 --> 00:52:27,018
and I just sort of mentioned it,

1004
00:52:27,102 --> 00:52:29,688
like, "By the way,
I think I'm gonna date women now too,"

1005
00:52:29,771 --> 00:52:31,106
and they were like, "Okay."

1006
00:52:31,189 --> 00:52:32,941
Like I said I was vegan or something.

1007
00:52:33,024 --> 00:52:34,985
Like, "Okay,
we'll see how long that lasts."

1008
00:52:35,068 --> 00:52:36,319
"You need iron, bitch."

1009
00:52:36,403 --> 00:52:37,696
Like, they were not…

1010
00:52:38,321 --> 00:52:40,949
They really accepted it
once I had my first girlfriend.

1011
00:52:41,032 --> 00:52:43,493
I started dating this girl who was so hot,

1012
00:52:43,577 --> 00:52:47,747
I was like,
"Oh my God, am I Pete Davidson?"

1013
00:52:54,212 --> 00:52:55,714
"How tall am I?"

1014
00:52:55,797 --> 00:52:58,341
When I started dating women,
it was the closest I'd come

1015
00:52:58,425 --> 00:53:00,093
to feeling religious in a long time.

1016
00:53:00,177 --> 00:53:02,971
My friends would complain
about their boyfriends and husbands,

1017
00:53:03,054 --> 00:53:04,431
and I was like… [gasps]

1018
00:53:04,514 --> 00:53:06,391
"Have you heard the good news?"

1019
00:53:08,977 --> 00:53:11,062
"You don't have to live like this."

1020
00:53:11,813 --> 00:53:13,523
"There's a better way."

1021
00:53:15,942 --> 00:53:19,446
Once I had a girlfriend, my friends
started coming to me with their questions.

1022
00:53:19,529 --> 00:53:22,073
They started coming to me
with their millennial regrets.

1023
00:53:22,157 --> 00:53:24,159
Do we have any Gen Z in here tonight?

1024
00:53:24,242 --> 00:53:26,745
-[sustained cheering]
-Oh my God, shut up, really?

1025
00:53:26,828 --> 00:53:30,123
Okay, everyone be cool
in front of my new friends. All right.

1026
00:53:30,207 --> 00:53:31,833
Now, Gen Z, you won't really get this

1027
00:53:31,917 --> 00:53:35,128
'cause you are very good at exploring
your identities and sexualities.

1028
00:53:35,212 --> 00:53:37,297
You wanna know who you are,
what you're capable of.

1029
00:53:37,380 --> 00:53:39,299
You have to understand
about us millennials,

1030
00:53:39,382 --> 00:53:41,801
we wake up every day
and look in the mirror like…

1031
00:53:41,885 --> 00:53:44,930
"Shh."

1032
00:53:45,972 --> 00:53:48,308
"Don't feel joy outside."

1033
00:53:49,851 --> 00:53:52,229
"You'll upset Mama and Papa."

1034
00:53:53,521 --> 00:53:56,316
"Just wait. Be free in death. Wait."

1035
00:53:56,399 --> 00:53:58,777
Those are our morning affirmations.

1036
00:53:58,860 --> 00:54:01,947
So we're dealing with a lot,
we're repressing a lot.

1037
00:54:02,030 --> 00:54:05,742
So I had a lot of female friends in
their thirties and forties who were like,

1038
00:54:05,825 --> 00:54:06,993
"I wish I'd dated women,"

1039
00:54:07,077 --> 00:54:08,787
but they ended up with a man,
they're happy,

1040
00:54:08,870 --> 00:54:10,538
but they're like, "I wish I'd done that."

1041
00:54:10,622 --> 00:54:13,291
So they were asking me
a lot of personal questions like,

1042
00:54:13,375 --> 00:54:15,043
"Is it better having sex with women?"

1043
00:54:15,126 --> 00:54:17,087
I was like,
"You really want me to tell you?"

1044
00:54:17,170 --> 00:54:19,589
"Because you said
you were locked in with that guy."

1045
00:54:21,549 --> 00:54:24,135
They're like,
"No, is it really different?"

1046
00:54:24,219 --> 00:54:25,971
And I was like, "Yeah."

1047
00:54:26,054 --> 00:54:27,889
And they were like, "Well, how?"

1048
00:54:30,183 --> 00:54:32,352
So here's… here's what I said.

1049
00:54:32,435 --> 00:54:36,940
I think the biggest difference
between having sex with men and women

1050
00:54:37,857 --> 00:54:39,901
is when you're having sex with a woman,

1051
00:54:40,610 --> 00:54:42,946
you're there the whole time.

1052
00:54:44,823 --> 00:54:46,074
You know?

1053
00:54:48,326 --> 00:54:50,745
'Cause you know how with a man,
you can kind of, like…

1054
00:54:55,417 --> 00:54:56,876
Not in a traumatic way,

1055
00:54:56,960 --> 00:54:59,629
just in like, a…
"Oh, I'm in the backseat on a road trip,

1056
00:54:59,713 --> 00:55:01,715
forgot my headphones,
let's look at clouds."

1057
00:55:12,517 --> 00:55:15,520
"Huh? I did, I did, yeah, absolutely."

1058
00:55:16,313 --> 00:55:18,648
"Yes. Oh my God, yes, a big one."

1059
00:55:18,732 --> 00:55:21,568
"A huge… Big. Quiet, but big."

1060
00:55:21,651 --> 00:55:24,404
"It's just silent but deadly."

1061
00:55:24,487 --> 00:55:27,532
"I love those. Thank you so much."

1062
00:55:28,116 --> 00:55:29,367
I've never faked an orgasm

1063
00:55:29,451 --> 00:55:32,912
because I think our generation
got enough participation trophies, but…

1064
00:55:33,663 --> 00:55:35,373
but I don't judge you if you have to.

1065
00:55:35,457 --> 00:55:37,250
We've all been there,
when it's going too long.

1066
00:55:37,334 --> 00:55:41,504
If you want to fake an orgasm,
here's a little tip from me to you.

1067
00:55:41,588 --> 00:55:45,717
Just hold your breath
for as long as you can.

1068
00:55:47,093 --> 00:55:49,346
Because then when you're like…

1069
00:55:49,429 --> 00:55:52,265
[panting for breath]

1070
00:56:01,524 --> 00:56:03,401
It'll seem like you came,

1071
00:56:03,485 --> 00:56:06,654
when really you just came… up for air.

1072
00:56:07,447 --> 00:56:10,075
That's how you get rid of
hiccups and Jeremy.

1073
00:56:14,412 --> 00:56:17,082
I do like having sex with men sometimes.
I will say,

1074
00:56:17,165 --> 00:56:19,459
does anyone like sucking dick for real?

1075
00:56:19,959 --> 00:56:22,545
Does anyone really…
Yeah, oh wow, good for you.

1076
00:56:22,629 --> 00:56:25,131
Just a quiet hand raise, that's beautiful.

1077
00:56:29,177 --> 00:56:32,097
So nice, wow,
heroes among us, good for you.

1078
00:56:33,556 --> 00:56:36,101
I like sucking dick
the way I like going for a run.

1079
00:56:36,184 --> 00:56:38,478
I'm proud of myself after…

1080
00:56:42,107 --> 00:56:45,402
but during, I'm always like,
"Why'd I do this? I didn't have to."

1081
00:56:46,486 --> 00:56:49,030
"There's other ways
to get where I'm going."

1082
00:56:49,948 --> 00:56:53,701
But then afterwards, I'm always like,
"Wow, the power of the human spirit."

1083
00:56:55,662 --> 00:56:58,581
"It really is
all mind over matter out there."

1084
00:56:58,665 --> 00:56:59,749
But during I'm like,

1085
00:56:59,833 --> 00:57:03,044
"People should be throwing little cups
of water on me for being so brave."

1086
00:57:04,003 --> 00:57:07,257
But then afterwards I'm like,
"Nice, got my time down."

1087
00:57:14,681 --> 00:57:16,891
We're trying to get faster, not better.

1088
00:57:19,310 --> 00:57:21,896
I remember I was so scared
to start going down on women.

1089
00:57:21,980 --> 00:57:24,524
Then I went down on a girl
for the first time, and I was like,

1090
00:57:24,607 --> 00:57:27,193
"Oh my God, that was so much better."

1091
00:57:27,277 --> 00:57:29,737
I was so mad at my whole life.

1092
00:57:29,821 --> 00:57:34,534
I was like, "This whole time,
I could've been licking ice creams,

1093
00:57:34,617 --> 00:57:38,288
and instead I've been swallowing swords?!"

1094
00:57:41,416 --> 00:57:43,835
"Could have been living like
a child on the boardwalk,

1095
00:57:43,918 --> 00:57:47,589
instead I've been living like
a carny with something to prove."

1096
00:57:49,841 --> 00:57:52,260
Not that I'm killing it
at queer dating. I am not.

1097
00:57:52,343 --> 00:57:54,471
I'm running into obstacles
I never thought I'd face.

1098
00:57:54,554 --> 00:57:58,475
I got dumped by a polyamorous person.
Ever been dumped by a polyamorous person?

1099
00:57:58,558 --> 00:57:59,476
It sucks.

1100
00:57:59,559 --> 00:58:02,729
It's like getting fired
from a part-time job.

1101
00:58:03,605 --> 00:58:07,275
They're like, "You can't even work here
Mondays and Tuesdays," holy shit.

1102
00:58:07,859 --> 00:58:09,944
I didn't think I was gonna like
dating somebody poly.

1103
00:58:10,028 --> 00:58:11,613
She was poly. I was busy.

1104
00:58:11,696 --> 00:58:13,740
But it actually ended up being

1105
00:58:13,823 --> 00:58:17,243
the most honest, transparent,
communicative relationship I'd been in.

1106
00:58:17,327 --> 00:58:18,661
I was totally in love with her.

1107
00:58:18,745 --> 00:58:20,538
She dumped me because I worked too much.

1108
00:58:20,622 --> 00:58:22,457
And let me tell you something,
Grand Rapids.

1109
00:58:22,540 --> 00:58:24,709
When I started dating
a polyamorous person,

1110
00:58:24,792 --> 00:58:30,006
I did not think it was gonna end
because my lifestyle didn't work for them.

1111
00:58:32,509 --> 00:58:33,801
Some of you don't believe me.

1112
00:58:33,885 --> 00:58:36,054
You're like, "There's no way
you liked being poly."

1113
00:58:36,137 --> 00:58:37,972
"You are not cool. You reek of monogamy."

1114
00:58:38,056 --> 00:58:39,682
"I bet you masturbate to Bridgerton."

1115
00:58:39,766 --> 00:58:41,643
And you know what? I don't.

1116
00:58:41,726 --> 00:58:42,769
I have,

1117
00:58:42,852 --> 00:58:44,479
but I don't.

1118
00:58:48,107 --> 00:58:50,902
That joke's not going in the special.
There's no way.

1119
00:58:51,402 --> 00:58:54,948
No, no, no. That's way too vulnerable
to put on Netflix.

1120
00:58:55,573 --> 00:58:56,574
Will not be doing that.

1121
00:58:56,658 --> 00:58:57,951
Unless it helps the algorithm.

1122
00:58:58,034 --> 00:58:59,327
We'll have to talk about it.

1123
00:59:00,245 --> 00:59:02,914
If Netflix was like,
"If you liked Bridgerton…"

1124
00:59:06,292 --> 00:59:07,627
They could do that.

1125
00:59:14,467 --> 00:59:17,011
I appreciate you guys coming
to this new hour of material

1126
00:59:17,095 --> 00:59:19,430
because I know
it's a lot of God stuff and gay stuff,

1127
00:59:19,514 --> 00:59:21,641
and my agents are nervous.

1128
00:59:23,518 --> 00:59:24,978
I think my whole team was nervous

1129
00:59:25,061 --> 00:59:28,189
when I said I was gonna do a tour
called "Save Me" and talk about religion.

1130
00:59:28,273 --> 00:59:30,275
I got a call from my publicist like,

1131
00:59:30,358 --> 00:59:33,236
"Hey, I heard you're gonna call
the special Prodigal Daughter

1132
00:59:33,319 --> 00:59:35,154
and you wanna
call the tour 'Save Me.' Great."

1133
00:59:35,238 --> 00:59:37,782
"Just making sure,
you're not taking any promo photos

1134
00:59:37,865 --> 00:59:40,243
hanging upside down from a cross, right?"

1135
00:59:42,412 --> 00:59:45,123
Anyway, we got rid of those photos. But…

1136
00:59:45,623 --> 00:59:49,419
No, I did not do that.
That was never the intention.

1137
00:59:49,502 --> 00:59:51,754
I understand why they thought

1138
00:59:51,838 --> 00:59:54,507
it was gonna be an hour
just bashing Christianity.

1139
00:59:54,591 --> 00:59:56,509
Because if you watch my other specials,

1140
00:59:56,593 --> 01:00:00,221
I usually take a few minutes
to take a few shots at Christianity.

1141
01:00:00,305 --> 01:00:03,641
And that's because I was working through
a lot of stuff from my childhood.

1142
01:00:03,725 --> 01:00:06,185
And also, I was really jealous

1143
01:00:06,269 --> 01:00:09,731
that Christianity had worked
for other people and not me.

1144
01:00:09,814 --> 01:00:13,109
As a mentally ill person,
it is devastating when someone just goes,

1145
01:00:13,192 --> 01:00:14,569
"Yeah, I used to be sad too,

1146
01:00:14,652 --> 01:00:17,614
then I accepted Jesus into my heart.
Now I'm better." You're like…

1147
01:00:19,616 --> 01:00:22,577
"Is that all you did? That's all you did?"

1148
01:00:24,078 --> 01:00:26,914
"Just said a poem in the dark,
and now you're worthy of love?"

1149
01:00:26,998 --> 01:00:29,375
"That's great. I love that for you."

1150
01:00:32,462 --> 01:00:33,463
It's…

1151
01:00:40,178 --> 01:00:42,805
It's like when someone goes,
"I stopped drinking soda,

1152
01:00:42,889 --> 01:00:44,390
lost 20 pounds, acne went away."

1153
01:00:44,474 --> 01:00:47,769
And you're like, "My God, that's so cool.
Hope your plane falls out of the sky."

1154
01:00:52,982 --> 01:00:57,070
The problem that I have with religion is

1155
01:00:57,153 --> 01:00:59,238
it can be interpreted
so many different ways.

1156
01:00:59,322 --> 01:01:01,532
Like, you can say
to a room full of people,

1157
01:01:01,616 --> 01:01:03,451
"Jesus loves you no matter what."

1158
01:01:03,534 --> 01:01:06,663
And a lot of those people will hear,
"Jesus loves me."

1159
01:01:07,163 --> 01:01:09,332
But some of those people will hear,

1160
01:01:10,208 --> 01:01:11,542
"No matter what"?

1161
01:01:13,336 --> 01:01:14,796
And that's the problem, right?

1162
01:01:14,879 --> 01:01:18,007
Religion can be used
as either a weapon or a tool.

1163
01:01:18,091 --> 01:01:21,219
And to be clear,
if you are using religion as a weapon

1164
01:01:21,302 --> 01:01:24,138
to control, manipulate, scare people,

1165
01:01:24,222 --> 01:01:27,058
to make yourself
feel superior to everyone else,

1166
01:01:27,141 --> 01:01:29,227
fuck you. That's not what it's for.

1167
01:01:29,310 --> 01:01:30,561
[vigorous cheering]

1168
01:01:33,272 --> 01:01:36,484
You are not using that correctly.

1169
01:01:38,403 --> 01:01:41,155
You're using a vibrator
as a back massager,

1170
01:01:41,239 --> 01:01:43,366
and we're all fucking laughing at you.

1171
01:01:45,159 --> 01:01:46,369
Because if God does exist,

1172
01:01:46,452 --> 01:01:49,997
he does not exist to make you
feel better than other people.

1173
01:01:50,081 --> 01:01:52,917
He exists to make you better
for other people.

1174
01:01:59,298 --> 01:02:01,801
And life is so fucking hard.

1175
01:02:01,884 --> 01:02:04,679
Whatever makes you a better person
for other people,

1176
01:02:04,762 --> 01:02:06,013
that's what you should be doing.

1177
01:02:06,097 --> 01:02:09,684
We do this weird thing where we forget
that everybody's struggling.

1178
01:02:09,767 --> 01:02:11,269
Everybody's trying to get through it.

1179
01:02:11,352 --> 01:02:13,229
And we judge each other's
coping mechanisms.

1180
01:02:13,312 --> 01:02:15,606
Like, "You're a quitter
if you get on antidepressants."

1181
01:02:15,690 --> 01:02:17,275
"You're stupid if you believe in God."

1182
01:02:17,358 --> 01:02:20,278
Bitch, I'm on mood stabilizers,
you're on Jesus.

1183
01:02:20,361 --> 01:02:23,030
We're all trying
to get to "dead with Daddy."

1184
01:02:23,114 --> 01:02:24,949
We're all trying to get there.

1185
01:02:27,493 --> 01:02:28,661
It's fine.

1186
01:02:31,664 --> 01:02:35,251
And there are a lot of people
who are using religion correctly.

1187
01:02:35,334 --> 01:02:38,004
My aunt and uncle, my grandparents,
the people at this church.

1188
01:02:38,087 --> 01:02:40,339
There are a lot of people
who are using religion

1189
01:02:40,423 --> 01:02:45,428
as a tool for community and connection
and compassion and comfort.

1190
01:02:45,511 --> 01:02:49,849
And when I was writing this hour,
I was thinking about those people.

1191
01:02:49,932 --> 01:02:51,559
And I was thinking about my family.

1192
01:02:51,642 --> 01:02:55,813
I was trying to think of positive things
that came out of me growing up in church.

1193
01:02:55,897 --> 01:02:59,150
And the most positive thing…
I can't believe I didn't think of sooner.

1194
01:02:59,233 --> 01:03:01,319
I started doing stand-up in churches.

1195
01:03:01,402 --> 01:03:02,528
That's how I started.

1196
01:03:02,612 --> 01:03:04,781
They called it testimony,
but I was getting laughs.

1197
01:03:04,864 --> 01:03:06,324
And… No.

1198
01:03:08,326 --> 01:03:11,078
No, I really did.
I started doing stand-up when I was 16.

1199
01:03:11,162 --> 01:03:14,248
And for the first, I don't know,
four or five years of my career,

1200
01:03:14,332 --> 01:03:16,334
I was performing in a lot of churches.

1201
01:03:16,417 --> 01:03:19,337
In America, you can make a living
as a church comedian.

1202
01:03:19,420 --> 01:03:23,716
You can tour churches even bigger
than this, 4,000, 5,000 seats,

1203
01:03:23,800 --> 01:03:26,010
and make a great living that way.

1204
01:03:26,093 --> 01:03:28,387
And when I was like 21, I had to decide,

1205
01:03:28,471 --> 01:03:30,348
am I gonna go the church comedian route

1206
01:03:30,431 --> 01:03:32,892
or am I gonna go
the secular comedian route?

1207
01:03:32,975 --> 01:03:35,019
And I think you know what I picked.

1208
01:03:36,270 --> 01:03:41,317
But I am so grateful to have that
as my foundation for my stand-up career.

1209
01:03:41,400 --> 01:03:45,571
I got so much professional stage time
in front of thousands of people.

1210
01:03:45,655 --> 01:03:49,700
I got paid. I learned how to work clean
and perform in any room.

1211
01:03:49,784 --> 01:03:51,869
And I think about that a lot.

1212
01:03:51,953 --> 01:03:52,954
I'm grateful for it.

1213
01:03:53,037 --> 01:03:55,581
I know a lot of you are probably
sitting there now going,

1214
01:03:55,665 --> 01:03:56,874
"Well, that's nice."

1215
01:03:58,292 --> 01:04:00,169
"It's cute that you're grateful, Taylor,

1216
01:04:00,253 --> 01:04:04,423
and we… You know, we get what you're
doing with the church and everything."

1217
01:04:04,507 --> 01:04:07,718
"But, um, we've seen your stuff now."

1218
01:04:09,011 --> 01:04:13,140
"And there's no way
you could perform in churches now."

1219
01:04:13,766 --> 01:04:15,935
And here's the thing, I don't want to.

1220
01:04:16,477 --> 01:04:18,354
And I probably won't.

1221
01:04:18,938 --> 01:04:21,607
But I fucking could, though, okay?

1222
01:04:21,691 --> 01:04:24,819
Oh, if I get canceled or some shit,

1223
01:04:24,902 --> 01:04:29,699
I'm a fucking professional
and I will be returning to churches, okay?

1224
01:04:29,782 --> 01:04:33,870
I will turn this ship around
so goddamn… gosh darn fast.

1225
01:04:34,912 --> 01:04:37,123
In a fetus's heartbeat,
I'll go back to churches.

1226
01:04:37,206 --> 01:04:39,000
I will rebrand like you've never seen.

1227
01:04:39,083 --> 01:04:42,545
I'll get real big hair,
marry a man, let him lead.

1228
01:04:43,504 --> 01:04:47,008
Write a book called
Submissive Wife, Submissive Life,

1229
01:04:47,091 --> 01:04:50,761
adopt a Southern accent out of nowhere,

1230
01:04:50,845 --> 01:04:52,263
and yeah, I'm going on tour.

1231
01:04:52,346 --> 01:04:54,390
I have the beginning of the show
planned out.

1232
01:04:54,473 --> 01:04:56,684
It's gonna start off,
pitch black auditorium.

1233
01:04:56,767 --> 01:04:59,228
Then on the big screen…
I'm only doing megachurches.

1234
01:04:59,312 --> 01:05:00,521
That's where the money is.

1235
01:05:00,605 --> 01:05:03,232
On the big screen,
a black-and-white montage,

1236
01:05:03,316 --> 01:05:06,068
probably starting with
the Netflix "tudum" noise.

1237
01:05:06,152 --> 01:05:08,696
They own my ass
for, like, eight more years.

1238
01:05:09,280 --> 01:05:12,909
A black-and-white montage of
all my raunchiest jokes from my twenties.

1239
01:05:12,992 --> 01:05:15,369
"That's why getting a guy
to wear a condom is like…"

1240
01:05:16,787 --> 01:05:18,331
Fade out to demon noises.

1241
01:05:18,414 --> 01:05:20,583
Freeze-frame on my young face.

1242
01:05:20,666 --> 01:05:24,545
Lights slowly come up
as I walk out wearing all…

1243
01:05:24,629 --> 01:05:25,546
You know what?

1244
01:05:26,297 --> 01:05:28,174
I'm just gonna show you.
I'm just gonna show you.

1245
01:05:35,348 --> 01:05:38,309
[tudum sound playing]

1246
01:05:38,392 --> 01:05:39,936
This is how you get pussy?

1247
01:05:40,019 --> 01:05:41,604
I came so hard.

1248
01:05:41,687 --> 01:05:45,066
I'll have you know,
in bed, I am a wild animal, okay?

1249
01:05:45,149 --> 01:05:47,568
And that's when
I stopped believing in God.

1250
01:05:47,652 --> 01:05:50,321
Go home and Google "porn for women," okay?

1251
01:05:50,404 --> 01:05:51,530
I lost my virginity late.

1252
01:05:51,614 --> 01:05:54,033
I lost it
when I was financially independent.

1253
01:05:54,116 --> 01:05:56,577
You guys,
I'm literally fucking the patriarchy.

1254
01:05:56,661 --> 01:05:57,578
Wet, let me feel.

1255
01:05:57,662 --> 01:05:59,914
Yeah, I grew up with God.
He's a douchebag.

1256
01:05:59,997 --> 01:06:03,042
That joke makes it sound like
I resent my religious upbringing,

1257
01:06:03,125 --> 01:06:04,335
and I do, so I nailed it.

1258
01:06:04,418 --> 01:06:05,294
Fucking hell.

1259
01:06:05,378 --> 01:06:08,756
No Christian parents wanna watch their
daughter talk about depression and dick.

1260
01:06:08,839 --> 01:06:10,174
Take that, Jesus.

1261
01:06:10,257 --> 01:06:13,803
Don't know if any of you have tried to get
a 20-something dude from a dating app

1262
01:06:13,886 --> 01:06:15,596
to wear a condom lately,

1263
01:06:15,680 --> 01:06:18,683
but it's sort of like
trying to convince a 5-year-old

1264
01:06:18,766 --> 01:06:23,104
to put a jacket on
over his Halloween costume.

1265
01:06:23,187 --> 01:06:24,021
Wet, let me feel.

1266
01:06:24,105 --> 01:06:26,941
[overlapping comedic bits and punchlines]

1267
01:06:29,235 --> 01:06:30,778
[distorted] Take that, Jesus.

1268
01:07:01,642 --> 01:07:04,103
Anybody recognize her?

1269
01:07:04,979 --> 01:07:09,817
[in Southern accent] That was me,
back when Satan had me in his clutches.

1270
01:07:10,568 --> 01:07:14,530
And I can see some of you feeling
like Joseph on Christmas right now.

1271
01:07:14,613 --> 01:07:17,950
Like, "Mmm, is this whore lying to me?"

1272
01:07:19,326 --> 01:07:21,370
But everybody loves a comeback,
don't they?

1273
01:07:21,454 --> 01:07:23,789
It ain't a rebrand, it's a rebirth, folks.

1274
01:07:23,873 --> 01:07:26,667
Welcome to the Prodigal Daughter Tour!

1275
01:07:26,751 --> 01:07:29,336
[crowd cheering]

1276
01:07:30,046 --> 01:07:34,884
[chorus singing "Gimme! Gimme! Gimme!
(A Man After Midnight)"]

1277
01:07:35,718 --> 01:07:39,138
♪ Gimme, gimme, gimme
A man after midnight ♪

1278
01:07:39,221 --> 01:07:43,100
♪ Won't somebody help me
Chase the shadows away? ♪

1279
01:07:43,184 --> 01:07:46,896
♪ Gimme, gimme, gimme
A man after midnight ♪

1280
01:07:46,979 --> 01:07:49,732
All right, here's some great
queer awakenings people sent in.

1281
01:07:49,815 --> 01:07:53,778
We always get
the cast of Pirates of the Caribbean.

1282
01:07:53,861 --> 01:07:56,155
We always get Shego from Kim Possible.

1283
01:07:56,238 --> 01:07:59,825
We always get Robin Hood, the fox version.

1284
01:08:01,118 --> 01:08:02,453
Yeah, you know.

1285
01:08:03,662 --> 01:08:06,165
And then people always ask
what my queer awakening was,

1286
01:08:06,248 --> 01:08:08,209
and my queer awakening…

1287
01:08:08,292 --> 01:08:11,128
I figured out because I was watching
home movies of me as a kid,

1288
01:08:11,212 --> 01:08:13,172
and I found this video
of me talking to my mom

1289
01:08:13,255 --> 01:08:14,715
when I was like three or four.

1290
01:08:14,799 --> 01:08:18,219
And do you guys remember
the girl deer from Bambi, Faline?

1291
01:08:18,719 --> 01:08:21,972
Okay, so, apparently,
Faline was my queer awakening,

1292
01:08:22,056 --> 01:08:24,183
and we do have the footage.

1293
01:08:24,767 --> 01:08:28,938
-[Taylor's mom] Why is he the best?
-'Cause he's just the best!

1294
01:08:29,939 --> 01:08:32,108
[Taylor's mom] What about Faline?
Isn't she the best too?

1295
01:08:32,191 --> 01:08:34,360
Yeah, she's very pretty.

1296
01:08:34,443 --> 01:08:37,613
She makes me like a hot dog in a pan.

1297
01:08:38,114 --> 01:08:40,449
[Taylor's mom]
She makes you like a hot dog in a pan?

1298
01:08:41,492 --> 01:08:43,661
My goodness! What does that mean?

1299
01:08:43,744 --> 01:08:44,954
I don't know.

1300
01:08:47,289 --> 01:08:50,334
Thank you so much, Grand Rapids!
I cannot thank you enough.

1301
01:08:50,417 --> 01:08:52,962
One more time
for Sophie Buddle, everybody!