1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.BZ 2 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.BZ 3 00:00:44,711 --> 00:00:47,005 Chicago! 4 00:00:52,135 --> 00:00:54,638 Thank you very much. 5 00:00:58,433 --> 00:00:59,893 We're shooting a special tonight. 6 00:00:59,977 --> 00:01:01,770 I'm trying to grow my fan base beyond women 7 00:01:01,853 --> 00:01:04,647 who brought a knife to prom. 8 00:01:09,027 --> 00:01:11,113 I live in Los Angeles now, even though everyone thinks 9 00:01:11,196 --> 00:01:14,575 I live in a cider mill in Rhode Island. 10 00:01:14,658 --> 00:01:17,452 Everyone thinks I live in a she shed in Night Country. 11 00:01:17,536 --> 00:01:19,830 But I live in LA now. 12 00:01:19,913 --> 00:01:21,582 Within a week of moving to LA, 13 00:01:21,664 --> 00:01:24,585 I immediately got a jaywalking ticket. 14 00:01:24,668 --> 00:01:26,587 And the direct quote from the cop was, 15 00:01:26,670 --> 00:01:29,506 "You're walking around all animated." 16 00:01:32,676 --> 00:01:33,594 Which was true. 17 00:01:33,676 --> 00:01:36,638 At this point in my life, 18 00:01:36,722 --> 00:01:41,768 I was doing a lot of fanciful street dressage. 19 00:01:41,852 --> 00:01:44,104 But I was shy. 20 00:01:47,024 --> 00:01:49,818 So I had a little Paul Dano smile on. 21 00:01:54,740 --> 00:01:57,326 You know how Dano's got that big face, tiny smile 22 00:01:57,408 --> 00:02:00,537 that A24 goes nuts over. 23 00:02:03,165 --> 00:02:04,958 I wish that someone had told me that a small smile 24 00:02:05,042 --> 00:02:09,545 is worse than no smile at all. 25 00:02:13,634 --> 00:02:17,471 We need to get them out of here immediately. 26 00:02:19,056 --> 00:02:23,935 I said no carnival clowns tonight only. 27 00:02:24,019 --> 00:02:28,523 A Ferris wheel has been left unattended tonight, 28 00:02:28,607 --> 00:02:32,611 and I cannot have that on my conscience. 29 00:02:45,666 --> 00:02:47,793 Careful, careful. 30 00:02:47,876 --> 00:02:50,837 My nude form, it's like-- 31 00:02:50,921 --> 00:02:54,925 it's like if a girl went missing in Y2K, 32 00:02:55,008 --> 00:02:56,677 and they found her, and she's been living off 33 00:02:56,760 --> 00:02:59,137 pup cups for the last 25 years. 34 00:02:59,221 --> 00:03:01,223 Just small amounts of cream. 35 00:03:05,060 --> 00:03:06,645 I released a special two years ago, 36 00:03:06,728 --> 00:03:10,524 and it sparked a nationwide manhunt for my pronouns. 37 00:03:16,321 --> 00:03:19,866 FBI. Boom. 38 00:03:19,950 --> 00:03:23,453 You tell me. You're looking at it. 39 00:03:23,537 --> 00:03:25,204 I'm just waiting for Gen Z to send me 40 00:03:25,288 --> 00:03:27,499 a proper gender diagnosis in the mail. 41 00:03:27,582 --> 00:03:31,086 Like, they seem to have that shit locked down. 42 00:03:31,169 --> 00:03:32,462 I'm too passive. 43 00:03:32,546 --> 00:03:34,047 My whole life, the way I've identified, 44 00:03:34,131 --> 00:03:35,632 I just go by restaurant order. 45 00:03:35,716 --> 00:03:37,926 Whatever order the waiter or waitress calls me. 46 00:03:38,009 --> 00:03:43,265 My whole life, it's gone children, women, 47 00:03:43,348 --> 00:03:46,852 Chris, 48 00:03:46,935 --> 00:03:49,896 men, 49 00:03:49,980 --> 00:03:52,315 which tells me that I easily could have snuck on to 50 00:03:52,399 --> 00:03:54,776 one of those lifeboats. 51 00:04:01,324 --> 00:04:02,701 Why'd you let him on? 52 00:04:02,784 --> 00:04:05,996 I don't know. Look at the panty lines. 53 00:04:06,079 --> 00:04:09,249 His landing strip's out. 54 00:04:12,002 --> 00:04:15,839 Lost them on landing strip. 55 00:04:15,922 --> 00:04:19,843 Reset to 0. That's good. 56 00:04:19,926 --> 00:04:21,887 I think my expectations of masculinity 57 00:04:21,970 --> 00:04:23,972 were fucked from the jump, 58 00:04:24,055 --> 00:04:27,642 because I played in bands in middle school. 59 00:04:27,726 --> 00:04:30,437 And I know you did. I know you did. I know. 60 00:04:30,520 --> 00:04:32,689 I know. I know. 61 00:04:32,773 --> 00:04:35,734 I know. 62 00:04:38,195 --> 00:04:39,696 I think my expectations of masculinity 63 00:04:39,780 --> 00:04:41,281 were fucked from the jump, because I played in band 64 00:04:41,364 --> 00:04:43,033 in middle school, and to this day, 65 00:04:43,116 --> 00:04:45,827 I have not seen a more developed man 66 00:04:45,911 --> 00:04:49,998 than a middle school tuba player. 67 00:04:50,081 --> 00:04:51,957 Whenever the alt-right is like, 68 00:04:52,042 --> 00:04:55,128 where have all the real men in this country gone? 69 00:04:55,212 --> 00:04:57,672 They are holding down the "Greensleeves" baseline 70 00:04:57,756 --> 00:04:59,132 in the back of the set. 71 00:05:01,259 --> 00:05:05,430 These guys make Dave Bautista look like Bernadette Peters. 72 00:05:05,514 --> 00:05:06,973 My God! 73 00:05:07,057 --> 00:05:09,142 What is happening hormonally 74 00:05:09,226 --> 00:05:11,686 with middle school tuba players? 75 00:05:11,770 --> 00:05:14,147 I think I said if you were to give a regulation-sized child 76 00:05:14,231 --> 00:05:17,234 a tuba, they would-- ah! 77 00:05:17,317 --> 00:05:21,488 So enter these 7'1" behemoths. 78 00:05:21,571 --> 00:05:23,490 Very docile. 79 00:05:31,206 --> 00:05:33,792 With the thickest HBO miniseries beards, 80 00:05:33,875 --> 00:05:35,877 just a-- 81 00:05:35,961 --> 00:05:40,048 and the wind-worn visage of a ferry worker. 82 00:05:44,427 --> 00:05:46,054 And they're passing around a flask of whiskey 83 00:05:46,137 --> 00:05:49,891 just to stay warm. 84 00:05:49,975 --> 00:05:52,352 There's a bloodhound drinking beer out of a dish. 85 00:05:55,313 --> 00:05:57,023 One of them picks up the phone in the middle of band. 86 00:05:57,107 --> 00:06:01,319 Hey, kiddo. 87 00:06:01,403 --> 00:06:04,531 Yeah, I'll pick you up after practice, buddy. 88 00:06:04,614 --> 00:06:05,782 You have a child? 89 00:06:05,866 --> 00:06:08,535 Yeah, he's a freshman. 90 00:06:08,618 --> 00:06:10,537 Good kid. Gets into a bit of trouble. 91 00:06:10,620 --> 00:06:14,040 But who didn't at that age? 92 00:06:17,711 --> 00:06:19,462 In American media, 93 00:06:19,546 --> 00:06:21,423 it's always the football players that are shown 94 00:06:21,506 --> 00:06:23,341 as the biggest, because they're the most aggressive, 95 00:06:23,425 --> 00:06:27,137 because there's a hell that comes with being almost huge. 96 00:06:27,220 --> 00:06:31,433 And there is a peace and tranquility that comes 97 00:06:31,516 --> 00:06:34,853 with being truly huge. 98 00:06:40,108 --> 00:06:44,779 True giants don't need PR. 99 00:06:44,863 --> 00:06:47,532 It's like a Great Dane versus a German shepherd. 100 00:06:47,616 --> 00:06:49,409 Like-- 101 00:06:49,492 --> 00:06:52,537 also, whenever I feel like I have an understanding 102 00:06:52,621 --> 00:06:55,707 of the world and I want to just kick it into the abyss, 103 00:06:55,790 --> 00:06:59,711 I look up what dogs were originally bred for. 104 00:06:59,794 --> 00:07:02,005 It'll be like, the Springer Spaniel 105 00:07:02,088 --> 00:07:06,801 was originally bred to locate a pond in the town. 106 00:07:08,970 --> 00:07:11,181 And then it would see if there was another pond 107 00:07:11,264 --> 00:07:14,976 touching that pond. 108 00:07:15,060 --> 00:07:18,355 And then it would go into town 109 00:07:18,438 --> 00:07:21,650 and tell a guy. 110 00:07:24,736 --> 00:07:27,572 Period. 111 00:07:27,656 --> 00:07:31,159 What does it mean? 112 00:07:39,459 --> 00:07:42,754 You can also tell how old a dog breed is 113 00:07:42,837 --> 00:07:44,297 when it's like, the Clumber Spaniel 114 00:07:44,381 --> 00:07:48,093 was originally bred to locate holes and stand over them 115 00:07:48,176 --> 00:07:51,596 in case the devil were to come out. 116 00:08:00,897 --> 00:08:02,816 That feels a little "Prairie Home Companion" 117 00:08:02,899 --> 00:08:05,318 when you clap like that. 118 00:08:08,238 --> 00:08:10,991 Right, Great Danes versus German shepherds-- 119 00:08:11,074 --> 00:08:13,284 a German shepherd has never known a moment of peace 120 00:08:13,368 --> 00:08:14,619 in all of its life. 121 00:08:14,703 --> 00:08:16,413 These dogs are in constant shambles. 122 00:08:16,496 --> 00:08:18,623 And this is the highest ranking dog in the country. 123 00:08:18,707 --> 00:08:20,207 That's the police dog. 124 00:08:20,291 --> 00:08:21,584 I've never seen a cop with a dog and been like, 125 00:08:21,668 --> 00:08:24,879 they've got a really good handle on that dog. 126 00:08:28,216 --> 00:08:30,176 And cops are turning airports into these like, 127 00:08:30,260 --> 00:08:34,847 Petco unleashed obedience training grounds, 128 00:08:34,931 --> 00:08:36,683 where they have this little wayward German shepherd 129 00:08:36,765 --> 00:08:38,518 with a police dog in a training vest, 130 00:08:38,601 --> 00:08:40,270 and he's running around with someone's neck pillow 131 00:08:40,352 --> 00:08:42,063 in its mouth. 132 00:08:42,147 --> 00:08:44,482 And the cop's chasing behind, like, don't look at us! 133 00:08:44,566 --> 00:08:46,443 He's in training! 134 00:08:46,526 --> 00:08:47,694 And it's like, at this point, 135 00:08:47,777 --> 00:08:49,446 you may as well just have a police crab. 136 00:08:49,529 --> 00:08:52,115 You know, like, at least-- 137 00:08:53,867 --> 00:08:55,785 At least-- at least the crab 138 00:08:55,869 --> 00:09:00,540 is going to stay pretty much in one place. 139 00:09:00,623 --> 00:09:04,002 If I walk into TSA and I see a TSA guy-- 140 00:09:04,085 --> 00:09:06,755 or gal. 141 00:09:06,838 --> 00:09:11,176 The subreddit was about to get real ugly. 142 00:09:11,259 --> 00:09:13,178 And I see them standing next to a crab, 143 00:09:13,261 --> 00:09:17,599 I don't even want to know the plan, you know. 144 00:09:17,682 --> 00:09:21,978 And if you get the knowing eye of the crab on you... 145 00:09:24,314 --> 00:09:28,818 You're going to empty those liquids. 146 00:09:28,902 --> 00:09:32,781 And I'm an empath. 147 00:09:32,864 --> 00:09:35,408 If you had an ounce of the empathy that I have, 148 00:09:35,492 --> 00:09:40,121 you would be bedridden. 149 00:09:40,205 --> 00:09:44,417 You would all be fastened to a Murphy bed, 150 00:09:44,501 --> 00:09:47,212 "Girl, Interrupted" style. 151 00:09:47,295 --> 00:09:48,880 I can feel your energy. 152 00:09:48,963 --> 00:09:50,757 I can feel one of your boyfriends 153 00:09:50,840 --> 00:09:54,010 is going to DM me after the show. 154 00:09:54,094 --> 00:09:56,930 Hey, Chris, 155 00:09:57,013 --> 00:10:01,101 loved your skit about police crabs. 156 00:10:04,104 --> 00:10:07,816 While humorous, 157 00:10:07,899 --> 00:10:11,319 there's also some truth to that. 158 00:10:13,822 --> 00:10:17,200 In some parts of Turkmenistan-- 159 00:10:17,283 --> 00:10:22,163 oh, oh. 160 00:10:22,247 --> 00:10:25,959 Mmm. 161 00:10:26,042 --> 00:10:29,546 Oh, my God. 162 00:10:29,629 --> 00:10:32,298 certain TSA units have been known to utilize 163 00:10:32,382 --> 00:10:35,385 a crustacean police force. 164 00:10:35,468 --> 00:10:37,846 Oh. 165 00:10:37,929 --> 00:10:40,807 Oh. 166 00:10:40,890 --> 00:10:45,520 While maybe not the crab you spoke of in your skit. 167 00:10:47,856 --> 00:10:51,401 Thank you, Thomas. You have been blocked! 168 00:10:56,906 --> 00:10:59,492 Everyone I know right now is popping up 169 00:10:59,576 --> 00:11:04,831 with the mustachioed fiancé out of nowhere. 170 00:11:04,914 --> 00:11:07,167 All these guys that dress like Robin Williams 171 00:11:07,250 --> 00:11:10,628 in "The Birdcage." 172 00:11:10,712 --> 00:11:13,756 Just thick thighed. 173 00:11:16,259 --> 00:11:20,763 All these guys seem like they have no past. 174 00:11:20,847 --> 00:11:23,141 It seems like Hinge was getting all these complaints. 175 00:11:23,224 --> 00:11:26,853 And so they just factory produced, like, all these-- 176 00:11:29,689 --> 00:11:32,108 Who I get are all under the same mutual delusion 177 00:11:32,192 --> 00:11:36,279 that they're the life of the party at weddings. 178 00:11:36,362 --> 00:11:39,449 Chris, Chris, 179 00:11:39,532 --> 00:11:41,284 you've got to meet Thomas. 180 00:11:41,367 --> 00:11:45,496 He is so fun. He wears a kooky sock. 181 00:11:48,875 --> 00:11:50,877 Ladies, if he's only comfortable squeaking out 182 00:11:50,960 --> 00:11:54,422 the kook in the sock... 183 00:11:57,508 --> 00:11:59,093 That's a guy who's going to hide behind you 184 00:11:59,177 --> 00:12:00,428 if, God forbid, 185 00:12:00,511 --> 00:12:04,307 you ever fall into the gorilla enclosure. 186 00:12:07,143 --> 00:12:10,647 You got this, babe. 187 00:12:10,730 --> 00:12:12,357 You're so strong and independent, babe. 188 00:12:12,440 --> 00:12:14,234 You got this. 189 00:12:14,317 --> 00:12:16,486 No, Chris. Thomas is so fun. 190 00:12:16,569 --> 00:12:20,365 He does interpretive dance at a wedding for a laugh. 191 00:12:20,448 --> 00:12:22,408 Listen, normies, there is nothing fucking funny 192 00:12:22,492 --> 00:12:25,328 about interpretive dance. 193 00:12:28,373 --> 00:12:31,960 My costume is not your culture! 194 00:12:32,043 --> 00:12:35,129 Interpretive dance is how I keep my lights on 195 00:12:35,213 --> 00:12:40,051 and pay my astronomically high emergency vet bills, 196 00:12:40,134 --> 00:12:44,389 because my dog Erik ate a smart car. 197 00:12:44,472 --> 00:12:46,557 And, yeah, 198 00:12:46,641 --> 00:12:49,811 that's Erik with a K. 199 00:12:55,233 --> 00:12:57,485 Oh, yeah. Thomas is so fun? 200 00:12:57,568 --> 00:13:01,656 Let's see him lead a conga line. 201 00:13:01,739 --> 00:13:03,449 Everyone's fun until they're thrust into 202 00:13:03,533 --> 00:13:06,244 a leadership position. 203 00:13:10,748 --> 00:13:14,627 Leading a conga line takes discipline, 204 00:13:14,711 --> 00:13:20,174 vision, and restraint. 205 00:13:20,258 --> 00:13:23,761 You've got to go a lot slower than you think. 206 00:13:29,392 --> 00:13:32,937 You've got a chain of dependents behind you, 207 00:13:33,021 --> 00:13:37,942 varying extremely in age. 208 00:13:38,026 --> 00:13:43,823 You've got a three-year-old twink, 209 00:13:43,906 --> 00:13:48,286 a groomsman relapsing, 210 00:13:48,369 --> 00:13:52,081 and the oldest woman in the country. 211 00:13:56,377 --> 00:13:58,546 You get any crazy ideas, and you're going to be looking at 212 00:13:58,629 --> 00:14:02,342 a conga line pile up. 213 00:14:02,425 --> 00:14:06,179 And that is a dark chaos. 214 00:14:10,516 --> 00:14:12,477 Chris, please. Enough. 215 00:14:12,560 --> 00:14:14,020 Thomas is fun. 216 00:14:14,103 --> 00:14:17,774 Oh, I've seen fun. 217 00:14:17,857 --> 00:14:20,109 I've known fun. 218 00:14:20,193 --> 00:14:23,029 I lived with a guy in college who jumped out of 219 00:14:23,112 --> 00:14:27,325 our second story bedroom window to dropkick a guy, 220 00:14:27,408 --> 00:14:32,580 because the guy was pissing on our house. 221 00:14:32,663 --> 00:14:37,085 That's fun. 222 00:14:37,168 --> 00:14:39,212 Where's Thomas going to be when someone's pissing 223 00:14:39,295 --> 00:14:42,173 on your house? 224 00:14:42,256 --> 00:14:43,883 I'll tell you where he's going to be. 225 00:14:43,966 --> 00:14:48,012 He's going to be on the phone with Jeni's Ice Creams, 226 00:14:48,096 --> 00:14:52,767 seeing when the new ube flavor's coming out. 227 00:14:52,850 --> 00:14:55,645 Their website says September 1, 228 00:14:55,728 --> 00:15:00,066 and September 1 has come and gone. 229 00:15:05,154 --> 00:15:07,949 Also, ladies, Thomas, if he makes you call him 230 00:15:08,032 --> 00:15:11,327 by the longest possible version of his name, 231 00:15:11,411 --> 00:15:13,162 that's a guy who doesn't mind wasting 232 00:15:13,246 --> 00:15:16,416 your motherfucking time. 233 00:15:24,590 --> 00:15:26,592 I took out a rental car here. 234 00:15:26,676 --> 00:15:28,094 To pull the rental car up to me, 235 00:15:28,177 --> 00:15:29,929 they were bumping the funkiest music. 236 00:15:34,976 --> 00:15:36,310 And then to hand the car over to me, 237 00:15:36,394 --> 00:15:39,814 they changed the station to NPR. 238 00:15:42,525 --> 00:15:44,986 To be roasted wordlessly. 239 00:15:47,613 --> 00:15:51,200 I've toured this so far and wide, 240 00:15:51,284 --> 00:15:53,327 and to hear the bone-chilling silence 241 00:15:53,411 --> 00:15:57,331 on that line right there... 242 00:15:57,415 --> 00:15:59,417 Let's take that from the top. 243 00:16:01,711 --> 00:16:04,797 Oh, you like when I improvise. 244 00:16:04,881 --> 00:16:06,674 Chicago's a comedy town. 245 00:16:06,757 --> 00:16:08,593 You love that. 246 00:16:08,676 --> 00:16:11,596 This is where Seth Meyers cut his teeth. 247 00:16:14,765 --> 00:16:17,518 I had to come to where Seth Meyers 248 00:16:17,602 --> 00:16:20,313 learned the rule of three. 249 00:16:23,316 --> 00:16:26,903 And I know you're all Second City trained. 250 00:16:30,781 --> 00:16:35,661 Under the cruel tutelage of Bobby Moynihan. 251 00:16:35,745 --> 00:16:39,415 Useless, everything I'm saying is unusable. 252 00:16:42,627 --> 00:16:44,921 I want to applaud the spotlight operator, 253 00:16:45,004 --> 00:16:48,508 who was on the team that got Osama. 254 00:16:59,560 --> 00:17:01,312 So I had to get a rental car recently. 255 00:17:01,395 --> 00:17:03,856 And to give me the rental car, 256 00:17:03,940 --> 00:17:06,275 they pulled it up, bumping the funkiest music. 257 00:17:08,194 --> 00:17:09,444 And then hand the car over to me, 258 00:17:09,529 --> 00:17:14,325 they changed the station to NPR. 259 00:17:14,407 --> 00:17:16,577 To be roasted wordlessly. 260 00:17:25,502 --> 00:17:27,338 Like, I know I'm giving something off. 261 00:17:27,421 --> 00:17:32,301 But guy who laughs at, wait, wait, don't tell me? 262 00:17:32,385 --> 00:17:37,139 Guy who calls tomatoes beautiful? 263 00:17:37,223 --> 00:17:38,849 Say it ain't so. 264 00:17:38,933 --> 00:17:41,519 I thought my vibe was a little more nuanced than that. 265 00:17:41,602 --> 00:17:44,272 Like, I look like somebody who needs to get a message 266 00:17:44,355 --> 00:17:47,358 to Imogen Heap. 267 00:17:53,281 --> 00:17:56,033 Just give me 5 minutes with Ms. Heap. 268 00:17:58,953 --> 00:18:02,373 I received her message in her hit song, "Hide and Seek." 269 00:18:07,295 --> 00:18:10,131 So I tuned in to NPR. NPR isn't even NPR anymore. 270 00:18:10,214 --> 00:18:12,967 Like, I go looking for knowledge. 271 00:18:13,050 --> 00:18:17,013 And NPR now is just like, what is a zaddy? 272 00:18:19,849 --> 00:18:21,642 We're going to get to the bottom of it today. 273 00:18:21,726 --> 00:18:25,021 And they interview the youngest person they can find. 274 00:18:25,104 --> 00:18:28,357 And it's a 39-year-old in DC, 275 00:18:28,441 --> 00:18:31,110 off mic, getting it completely wrong. 276 00:18:31,193 --> 00:18:35,031 A zaddy is a zombie's father. 277 00:18:35,114 --> 00:18:36,782 My heart goes out to elder millennials. 278 00:18:36,866 --> 00:18:39,201 Elder millennials deserve a grant. 279 00:18:39,285 --> 00:18:41,370 Like, they were-- they were prepping 280 00:18:41,454 --> 00:18:45,249 for a world that just doesn't exist. 281 00:18:45,333 --> 00:18:47,585 They were rolling up the sleeves on their lab coats 282 00:18:47,668 --> 00:18:50,921 and having complex discussions with their professors 283 00:18:51,005 --> 00:18:52,381 over coffee. 284 00:18:52,465 --> 00:18:54,425 And now they find themselves in this world 285 00:18:54,508 --> 00:19:00,306 where everyone just sexualizes Shrek. 286 00:19:00,389 --> 00:19:03,059 That sucks. 287 00:19:07,563 --> 00:19:10,232 We, as younger millennials-- and I know I look mid 50's-- 288 00:19:10,316 --> 00:19:13,027 but I am a younger-- no one told me 289 00:19:13,110 --> 00:19:17,657 you have to put sunscreen on the clav. 290 00:19:17,740 --> 00:19:23,079 And that's why I look like the secretary at Rydell High. 291 00:19:23,162 --> 00:19:26,791 We, as younger millennials, learn to detach 292 00:19:26,874 --> 00:19:30,836 around the Iraq war and "Garden State." 293 00:19:34,006 --> 00:19:35,508 I was like, if Zach Braff's 294 00:19:35,591 --> 00:19:39,261 going to keep getting away with this, 295 00:19:39,345 --> 00:19:42,807 I need to learn to fly above my body. 296 00:19:46,227 --> 00:19:50,439 Zach Braff, the second coming of Mr. Tumnus. 297 00:19:53,567 --> 00:19:56,946 Beta, but psychotic at the same time, 298 00:19:57,029 --> 00:19:59,990 like a flight attendant. 299 00:20:04,370 --> 00:20:06,414 Do you ever get the impression that flight attendants 300 00:20:06,497 --> 00:20:09,583 would kill us if the pilot wasn't around? 301 00:20:13,045 --> 00:20:16,924 They hate us so much. 302 00:20:17,007 --> 00:20:19,135 Remember, there was a brief time in 2021 303 00:20:19,218 --> 00:20:22,096 when they wouldn't stop duct taping people to chairs. 304 00:20:24,557 --> 00:20:27,685 That never sat right with me. 305 00:20:27,768 --> 00:20:31,981 I don't accept food from them either. 306 00:20:32,064 --> 00:20:36,819 To see grown business people be like, cookies! 307 00:20:42,575 --> 00:20:45,536 Pretzels! 308 00:20:45,619 --> 00:20:48,330 I go, I'm good. 309 00:20:54,211 --> 00:20:55,463 It's the only time in my life 310 00:20:55,546 --> 00:20:58,716 I'm like a professional snowboarder. 311 00:21:01,677 --> 00:21:05,139 Do not include the professional snowboarder line. 312 00:21:08,350 --> 00:21:13,606 The second I think I have goodwill with you, 313 00:21:13,689 --> 00:21:17,693 you leave me in the yard with my Yoni in my hands. 314 00:21:26,702 --> 00:21:28,788 What were we talking about? 315 00:21:28,871 --> 00:21:30,331 Elder millennials. Oh, look. 316 00:21:30,414 --> 00:21:33,000 I just want to make a wildlife sanctuary 317 00:21:33,083 --> 00:21:35,461 for elder millennials where they can play Ultimate Frisbee 318 00:21:35,544 --> 00:21:39,423 in peace! 319 00:21:39,507 --> 00:21:43,511 And say amazeballs in harmony! 320 00:21:47,056 --> 00:21:51,352 And enjoy their zucchinis. 321 00:21:51,435 --> 00:21:55,397 They love zucchinis. Oh, my God. 322 00:21:55,481 --> 00:21:56,941 When someone offers me a zucchini, I'm like, 323 00:21:57,024 --> 00:21:59,652 school's out. 324 00:22:04,490 --> 00:22:08,786 Yeah, give me the cucumber that lost everything at the casino. 325 00:22:17,461 --> 00:22:18,879 And then the elder millennials, 326 00:22:18,963 --> 00:22:20,339 they can compare their Trader Joe's snacks. 327 00:22:20,422 --> 00:22:21,924 I'm obsessed with Trader Joe's. 328 00:22:22,007 --> 00:22:24,718 I can-- I have a hyperfixation with Trader Joe's. 329 00:22:24,802 --> 00:22:26,428 I have to talk about it every night. 330 00:22:26,512 --> 00:22:28,222 My favorite thing about Trader Joe's right now, 331 00:22:28,305 --> 00:22:33,394 you know how Trader Joe's has those weekly recalls? 332 00:22:33,477 --> 00:22:37,439 And they're so shameless about what they're recalling. 333 00:22:37,523 --> 00:22:39,692 They hold themselves so unaccountable that 334 00:22:39,775 --> 00:22:43,362 they make you feel fucked up for getting the thing. 335 00:22:43,445 --> 00:22:44,613 It's so brilliant. 336 00:22:44,697 --> 00:22:46,448 And they let you know by putting up, like, 337 00:22:46,532 --> 00:22:49,577 an 8 by 11 crumpled up sheet of computer paper 338 00:22:49,660 --> 00:22:51,370 1 foot off the ground. 339 00:22:51,453 --> 00:22:54,415 And it's like, hey. 340 00:22:57,376 --> 00:23:00,629 We found human remains in the cantaloupe. 341 00:23:13,225 --> 00:23:16,604 You didn't buy that shit, did you? 342 00:23:19,273 --> 00:23:21,692 It's like a very middle school alpha tactic. 343 00:23:21,775 --> 00:23:23,402 It's like an eighth grader in a hoodie 344 00:23:23,485 --> 00:23:26,488 on the back of someone's bike pegs, just like-- 345 00:23:30,200 --> 00:23:33,913 Yo, we found eels in the sparkling water. 346 00:23:39,543 --> 00:23:42,046 Hey, none of you posers got any caprese sandwiches, right? 347 00:23:42,129 --> 00:23:43,339 Because they found Jimmy Hoffa 348 00:23:43,422 --> 00:23:47,718 in most of the caprese sandwiches. 349 00:23:47,801 --> 00:23:51,680 There were bullets in the mochi, dude. 350 00:23:51,764 --> 00:23:55,768 It'd be so fucked up if you got mochi. 351 00:23:55,851 --> 00:23:58,520 And anyone who set foot-- it always ends in salmonella. 352 00:23:58,604 --> 00:24:00,105 Anyone who set foot in Trader Joe's 353 00:24:00,189 --> 00:24:04,443 between April and November has generational salmonella. 354 00:24:08,656 --> 00:24:11,450 I'm so tired of people blaming viruses on animals. 355 00:24:11,533 --> 00:24:14,370 Like, oh, the horses caused this. 356 00:24:14,453 --> 00:24:18,082 I know horses. They're not doing shit. 357 00:24:23,629 --> 00:24:26,882 You ever know a horse, and then find out he's 35? 358 00:24:30,761 --> 00:24:33,472 I love that. 359 00:24:33,555 --> 00:24:35,099 I'm like, hell, yeah, man. 360 00:24:35,182 --> 00:24:39,812 Remember the Fleet Foxes? 361 00:24:39,895 --> 00:24:44,024 Yeah, we really thought folk was coming back. 362 00:24:45,901 --> 00:24:48,028 And you've got to go forehead to forehead. 363 00:24:50,948 --> 00:24:52,783 Tummy time. That's for company men. 364 00:24:52,866 --> 00:24:54,034 Mind melding with a mare, 365 00:24:54,118 --> 00:24:56,787 that's for the real revolutionaries. 366 00:24:56,870 --> 00:25:01,667 That's what Swayze was doing on his weekends off, shooting DD. 367 00:25:01,750 --> 00:25:05,671 The captions will have "Dirty Dancing," but DD, it's-- 368 00:25:10,217 --> 00:25:13,137 Yeah, it's not the horses causing these viruses. 369 00:25:13,220 --> 00:25:14,888 It's probably the guy refusing to clean out 370 00:25:14,972 --> 00:25:19,226 his cast iron skillet. 371 00:25:19,309 --> 00:25:21,520 How sick did those guys have to get 372 00:25:21,603 --> 00:25:23,981 to quiet their evangelism about not cleaning out 373 00:25:24,064 --> 00:25:26,025 your cast iron skillet? 374 00:25:26,108 --> 00:25:28,277 They were the loudest population in America 375 00:25:28,360 --> 00:25:29,778 for much of the 2010s. 376 00:25:29,862 --> 00:25:33,741 No babe, baby. 377 00:25:33,824 --> 00:25:35,159 Babe, hold up. 378 00:25:35,242 --> 00:25:39,204 You don't have to-- you don't have to clean it out. 379 00:25:39,288 --> 00:25:42,541 No soap, babe. You'll take out the seasoning. 380 00:25:42,624 --> 00:25:43,959 Seasoning with what? 381 00:25:44,043 --> 00:25:49,214 The virus that took out Beth in "Little Women"? 382 00:25:49,298 --> 00:25:51,133 You know that guy's cast iron skillet 383 00:25:51,216 --> 00:25:54,094 is moving a little bit at night. 384 00:26:03,812 --> 00:26:07,691 He's got a kombucha SCOBY just undulating. 385 00:26:07,775 --> 00:26:10,319 Kombucha, kombucha. 386 00:26:11,695 --> 00:26:13,072 We're going to get the fuck 387 00:26:13,155 --> 00:26:15,824 out of here tonight, kombucha. 388 00:26:15,908 --> 00:26:19,411 Kombucha? 389 00:26:19,495 --> 00:26:21,413 He keeps his passport 390 00:26:21,497 --> 00:26:24,083 in his credenza. 391 00:26:24,166 --> 00:26:27,544 We'll put on some of his Indochinos 392 00:26:27,628 --> 00:26:30,839 and we'll fly north to Canada. 393 00:26:30,923 --> 00:26:36,470 When our friends in the north see how we've been mistreated, 394 00:26:36,553 --> 00:26:41,058 that I haven't gotten so much as a whore's bath 395 00:26:41,141 --> 00:26:45,062 since Romney was running! 396 00:26:45,145 --> 00:26:48,107 Romney, Romney. 397 00:26:50,734 --> 00:26:52,945 Yeah! 398 00:26:58,742 --> 00:27:00,285 Get on my back, kombucha SCOBY. 399 00:27:00,369 --> 00:27:01,912 Come on. Come on, get on my back. 400 00:27:01,995 --> 00:27:04,456 Kombucha, kombucha. 401 00:27:04,540 --> 00:27:05,791 Kombu-- 402 00:27:05,874 --> 00:27:07,167 Yeah. 403 00:27:07,251 --> 00:27:08,669 Oh, shit. Here he comes. 404 00:27:08,752 --> 00:27:10,379 Quick, let's pretend to be his girlfriend. 405 00:27:10,462 --> 00:27:13,215 Grab that ukulele. 406 00:27:18,220 --> 00:27:19,429 Hey, babe. 407 00:27:19,513 --> 00:27:23,892 I didn't know you were coming over so soon for mocktails. 408 00:27:23,976 --> 00:27:26,979 Kombucha, kombucha. 409 00:27:28,355 --> 00:27:31,775 Why are you using our safe word, babe? 410 00:27:31,859 --> 00:27:33,026 And scene. 411 00:27:33,110 --> 00:27:35,445 How did that feel? How did that feel? 412 00:27:43,162 --> 00:27:46,456 2014, I was about to clean out my cast iron skillet. 413 00:27:46,540 --> 00:27:47,583 I was like, you know what? 414 00:27:47,666 --> 00:27:48,876 I don't see any of those guys around. 415 00:27:48,959 --> 00:27:50,502 I don't see any stubble. 416 00:27:50,586 --> 00:27:53,088 I'm going to put a little squirt of soap, squirt. 417 00:27:53,172 --> 00:27:56,675 And then one of those guys just apparated in my kitchen 418 00:27:56,758 --> 00:28:00,220 and put his arms over me like a computer teacher. 419 00:28:07,519 --> 00:28:08,645 Remember that? 420 00:28:08,729 --> 00:28:11,148 Remember getting absorbed by the computer teacher? 421 00:28:19,531 --> 00:28:20,699 I didn't mind that. 422 00:28:20,782 --> 00:28:23,952 It was a really early exercise in letting go. 423 00:28:31,835 --> 00:28:35,547 I went to your Whole Foods, by the way. 424 00:28:35,631 --> 00:28:39,259 Cheddar's getting sharper every year. 425 00:28:54,233 --> 00:28:58,612 My crowd gives the gentlest high fives. 426 00:28:58,695 --> 00:29:01,365 That-- 427 00:29:01,448 --> 00:29:04,284 That still would be like a picture 428 00:29:04,368 --> 00:29:08,288 on a primate behavior brochure. 429 00:29:17,839 --> 00:29:21,802 Everyone knows I'm like-- I couldn't handle any blowback. 430 00:29:21,885 --> 00:29:25,430 I would-- 431 00:29:29,434 --> 00:29:31,979 Yeah, cheddar's getting sharper every year. 432 00:29:32,062 --> 00:29:34,898 When I-- my favorite part of the grocery store, 433 00:29:34,982 --> 00:29:37,985 I beeline it to the cheddar. 434 00:29:38,068 --> 00:29:40,445 Oh, yeah. It's like regular cheddar. 435 00:29:40,529 --> 00:29:43,448 OK, OK. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 436 00:29:43,532 --> 00:29:47,869 Medium cheddar. 437 00:29:47,953 --> 00:29:52,291 Sharp cheddar. Yeah! 438 00:29:52,374 --> 00:29:53,792 Really sharp cheddar. 439 00:29:53,875 --> 00:29:56,336 Come on! 440 00:29:56,420 --> 00:29:57,587 Ahh! 441 00:30:01,133 --> 00:30:04,261 Seriously sharp cheddar. 442 00:30:04,344 --> 00:30:05,762 Fuck! 443 00:30:09,016 --> 00:30:11,685 And I'm like, come on! 444 00:30:11,768 --> 00:30:16,565 Let's keep this party going! 445 00:30:16,648 --> 00:30:20,360 Give me that Tillamook Psycho! 446 00:30:20,444 --> 00:30:22,696 Hey, hey, hey. Hey. 447 00:30:22,779 --> 00:30:25,699 Hey, hey, old lady, keep it down. 448 00:30:27,909 --> 00:30:31,830 I hear you're looking for Tillamook Psycho. 449 00:30:31,913 --> 00:30:36,084 Yeah, I thought Biden outlawed that. 450 00:30:36,168 --> 00:30:38,837 Biden's gone, man. 451 00:30:46,595 --> 00:30:49,014 You wait right there. 452 00:30:49,097 --> 00:30:52,017 Then a guy in lederhosen, no panties comes out. 453 00:30:59,232 --> 00:31:01,985 I hear you party. 454 00:31:02,069 --> 00:31:04,279 Yeah, yeah, give me that shit that Bernie Sanders hits 455 00:31:04,363 --> 00:31:07,157 before he filibusters. 456 00:31:07,240 --> 00:31:08,909 How do I know you're not a cop? 457 00:31:08,992 --> 00:31:11,828 Would a cop get this jazzed about a score? 458 00:31:11,912 --> 00:31:14,247 OK, OK, OK, OK. 459 00:31:14,331 --> 00:31:16,083 Take it slow. Take a little nibble here. 460 00:31:16,166 --> 00:31:18,001 OK. 461 00:31:20,003 --> 00:31:22,047 Oh, fuck. 462 00:31:27,594 --> 00:31:29,679 Oh, shit. 463 00:31:40,190 --> 00:31:42,651 That shit is jagged. 464 00:31:49,908 --> 00:31:52,536 I hear Wilco. 465 00:31:57,541 --> 00:32:01,336 I see Terry Gross! 466 00:32:01,420 --> 00:32:05,549 Let her in, man. 467 00:32:05,632 --> 00:32:08,176 Look, I talk a lot of shit about NPR, 468 00:32:08,260 --> 00:32:11,012 but the one person keeping it down, 469 00:32:11,096 --> 00:32:15,475 brutal and ruthless, is Terry Gross. 470 00:32:15,559 --> 00:32:19,396 My, my goodness. 471 00:32:20,522 --> 00:32:22,315 In a world of all these interviewers, 472 00:32:22,399 --> 00:32:25,444 like Jimmy Fallon wearing a French tickler... 473 00:32:30,365 --> 00:32:32,492 The completely unmanageable tension 474 00:32:32,576 --> 00:32:37,289 of every episode with "Fresh Air" with Terry Gross 475 00:32:37,372 --> 00:32:40,041 is so refreshing. 476 00:32:40,125 --> 00:32:42,377 It feels like every episode was recorded 477 00:32:42,461 --> 00:32:47,090 in the space between the living and the dead. 478 00:32:47,174 --> 00:32:50,010 It feels like the guest is sitting on one end 479 00:32:50,093 --> 00:32:53,805 of a long medieval table, and Terry's on the other end, 480 00:32:53,889 --> 00:32:56,433 just cleaning a gun. 481 00:33:03,023 --> 00:33:06,902 My favorite David and Goliath moment of recent times, 482 00:33:06,985 --> 00:33:11,239 2019, Terry Gross interviews Adam Driver. 483 00:33:11,323 --> 00:33:13,283 You know this? OK. 484 00:33:13,366 --> 00:33:16,703 It got scrapped because she freaked out 485 00:33:16,786 --> 00:33:19,789 former Marine Adam Driver. 486 00:33:19,873 --> 00:33:23,960 Little Terry Gross, little 3'1" Terry, 487 00:33:24,044 --> 00:33:28,924 freaked him out so much that he fled... 488 00:33:29,007 --> 00:33:31,551 the interview. 489 00:33:31,635 --> 00:33:34,179 I guess he doesn't like engaging with his own work. 490 00:33:34,262 --> 00:33:38,225 And she basically Clockwork Oranged him with it. 491 00:33:40,352 --> 00:33:42,729 It was a clip of him singing the Sondheim song 492 00:33:42,812 --> 00:33:44,689 from "Marriage Story." 493 00:33:44,773 --> 00:33:48,527 And she was just torturing him with it. 494 00:33:48,610 --> 00:33:52,030 He was like, Terry, please! 495 00:33:52,113 --> 00:33:54,115 And Terry was just like-- 496 00:33:59,329 --> 00:34:01,414 Until Adam left. 497 00:34:01,498 --> 00:34:04,209 Now, we don't know what happened, 498 00:34:04,292 --> 00:34:06,253 because there's no record of this. 499 00:34:06,336 --> 00:34:09,922 But in my fantasy, 500 00:34:10,005 --> 00:34:13,717 I like to imagine that Terry gave chase. 501 00:34:16,054 --> 00:34:18,473 Just hauling ass after Adam Driver 502 00:34:18,556 --> 00:34:21,351 like the Terminator down the street, 503 00:34:21,434 --> 00:34:23,186 holding a Bluetooth speaker, 504 00:34:23,270 --> 00:34:26,188 blasting him singing the Sondheim song. 505 00:34:30,985 --> 00:34:32,654 Would anyone ever 506 00:34:35,031 --> 00:34:37,659 Walking in town 507 00:34:37,742 --> 00:34:39,286 I know I'm not rich 508 00:34:39,369 --> 00:34:41,079 I know I'm too tall 509 00:34:41,161 --> 00:34:45,917 Now, Adam, I've interviewed a lot of bitches in my day, 510 00:34:46,001 --> 00:34:48,168 but few as big as you. 511 00:34:48,253 --> 00:34:49,879 Now, I would expect this whole, 512 00:34:49,963 --> 00:34:51,630 "Oh, I can't listen to my own work" thing 513 00:34:51,715 --> 00:34:55,427 from Johnny Depp because of the scarves and the hats. 514 00:34:55,510 --> 00:34:57,679 But with you, I would expect a little more T 515 00:34:57,762 --> 00:34:59,598 pumping through those vas deferens. 516 00:34:59,681 --> 00:35:02,058 Gah! 517 00:35:04,060 --> 00:35:06,187 You basically turned "Girls" on HBO 518 00:35:06,271 --> 00:35:10,066 into your own personal OnlyFans account. 519 00:35:10,150 --> 00:35:13,987 And now you wet your Tom Fords, a little Sondheim clip, 520 00:35:14,070 --> 00:35:16,823 where you sound like a wealthy child 521 00:35:16,906 --> 00:35:20,619 singing at his karaoke birthday party. 522 00:35:20,702 --> 00:35:23,455 What I find so intriguing about you, Adam, 523 00:35:23,538 --> 00:35:28,293 is you're so simian, but so cowardly at the same time. 524 00:35:28,376 --> 00:35:31,963 When I catch you-- and I will catch you-- 525 00:35:33,798 --> 00:35:36,301 I want to shimmy up you and feed you a banana. 526 00:35:41,765 --> 00:35:45,143 She makes contact. 527 00:35:45,226 --> 00:35:48,480 Terry, no! 528 00:35:48,563 --> 00:35:52,025 You don't get to call me Terry Gross. 529 00:35:52,108 --> 00:35:54,694 Terry Gross is my nickname. 530 00:35:54,778 --> 00:35:59,366 My real name is Theresa Disgusting. 531 00:36:30,647 --> 00:36:34,651 I recently disgraced myself in front of Lin-Manuel Miranda. 532 00:36:39,447 --> 00:36:41,616 Here's what happened. 533 00:36:41,700 --> 00:36:44,536 He responded to something I put out on Instagram. 534 00:36:44,619 --> 00:36:48,206 He was like, ha-ha, this is very funny. 535 00:36:48,289 --> 00:36:51,710 I freaked out. 536 00:36:51,793 --> 00:36:54,838 When I got this message, I was outside of a Starbucks 537 00:36:54,921 --> 00:36:57,882 that was playing his song from "Mary Poppins." 538 00:36:57,966 --> 00:36:59,926 It's like a chimney sweep song, it's like-- 539 00:37:03,805 --> 00:37:06,224 I was like, this is so kismet. This is serendipitous. 540 00:37:06,307 --> 00:37:08,518 I'm going to film this 541 00:37:08,601 --> 00:37:12,105 and send it to Lin-Manuel Miranda. 542 00:37:15,400 --> 00:37:18,236 And it's going to form such a bond. 543 00:37:18,319 --> 00:37:21,906 And I thought that I could edit the video in app, 544 00:37:21,990 --> 00:37:23,408 but it just-- phew. 545 00:37:23,491 --> 00:37:25,577 Sent. 546 00:37:31,666 --> 00:37:34,919 So what I ended up sending Lin-Manuel Miranda 547 00:37:35,003 --> 00:37:38,047 was a 2-minute video clip... 548 00:37:40,633 --> 00:37:43,970 Of the exterior of a Starbucks. 549 00:37:48,600 --> 00:37:52,061 Where I am too far to hear the music. 550 00:37:57,233 --> 00:37:58,777 But luckily, what you can hear 551 00:37:58,860 --> 00:38:01,696 is me breathing. 552 00:38:03,823 --> 00:38:05,492 Yeah. 553 00:38:08,328 --> 00:38:11,164 Oh, cool. 554 00:38:12,457 --> 00:38:15,210 Oh, he's going to love that. 555 00:38:18,546 --> 00:38:21,341 So to recap, 556 00:38:21,424 --> 00:38:23,635 Lin-Manuel Miranda writes a pretty innocuous, 557 00:38:23,718 --> 00:38:25,970 ha-ha, this is very funny. 558 00:38:31,226 --> 00:38:33,645 11 minutes go by. 559 00:38:40,235 --> 00:38:44,239 And then he receives a very dark short film... 560 00:38:52,288 --> 00:38:56,209 Of the brutalist exterior of a Starbucks... 561 00:38:58,336 --> 00:39:03,132 In San Bernardino, California, 562 00:39:03,216 --> 00:39:05,134 with me wheezing on mic. 563 00:39:05,218 --> 00:39:09,138 Now, what was his response? 564 00:39:09,222 --> 00:39:12,225 Seen at 12:23 PM. 565 00:39:18,690 --> 00:39:20,942 So I don't think you're going to be seeing me in "Moana 9" 566 00:39:21,025 --> 00:39:23,444 anytime soon. 567 00:39:28,783 --> 00:39:30,201 I spend too much time at Starbucks. 568 00:39:30,285 --> 00:39:32,036 I'm a sugar fiend. 569 00:39:32,120 --> 00:39:33,663 But I don't do dessert in public. 570 00:39:33,746 --> 00:39:37,792 My dessert face, it's way too graphic. 571 00:39:37,876 --> 00:39:40,044 But I will, though, occasionally-- to be sociable, 572 00:39:40,128 --> 00:39:44,299 I will go to the ice cream parlor with friends. 573 00:39:44,382 --> 00:39:48,219 I'm always appalled at what the frozen dessert world 574 00:39:48,303 --> 00:39:53,016 is allowed to do in regards to their treatment of Oreos. 575 00:39:54,767 --> 00:39:56,936 So they have a bunch of public domain toppings, 576 00:39:57,020 --> 00:39:59,564 like strawberry sauce, 577 00:39:59,647 --> 00:40:02,609 chocolate-chocolate chips, marshmallow sauce, 578 00:40:02,692 --> 00:40:07,405 and then they have a heap of disfigured Oreos 579 00:40:07,488 --> 00:40:11,993 that, at first glance, I'm like, is that soot? 580 00:40:16,289 --> 00:40:21,836 Oh, no, it's just America's cookie 581 00:40:21,920 --> 00:40:27,467 maimed beyond recognition, 582 00:40:27,550 --> 00:40:31,679 looking like the cartel is trying to send a message, 583 00:40:31,763 --> 00:40:35,266 looking like a witch has been grinding them up all winter. 584 00:40:42,482 --> 00:40:45,818 Almost ready! 585 00:40:45,902 --> 00:40:49,155 Jesus Christ. 586 00:40:49,238 --> 00:40:50,573 Oreos are an icon. 587 00:40:50,657 --> 00:40:54,077 It's not like they need this free exposure. 588 00:40:54,160 --> 00:40:56,454 This would be like if you saw Dame Judi Dench 589 00:40:56,537 --> 00:40:59,874 selling vibrators on Instagram. 590 00:41:17,642 --> 00:41:21,270 Use code Dench... 591 00:41:24,524 --> 00:41:29,570 To fuck your shit up this Galentine's Day. 592 00:41:30,780 --> 00:41:33,825 Jesus Christ! 593 00:41:33,908 --> 00:41:35,702 I've never seen a company 594 00:41:35,785 --> 00:41:37,870 with a looser grasp on their property 595 00:41:37,954 --> 00:41:42,125 as Nabisco with Oreos. 596 00:41:42,208 --> 00:41:43,960 If this were being done to Milanos, 597 00:41:44,043 --> 00:41:47,046 Pepperidge Farm would bomb Dairy Queen. 598 00:41:50,299 --> 00:41:53,636 Did we get the Milanos? Check for the Sausalitos! 599 00:41:55,221 --> 00:41:59,767 What sick fuck is in charge of Nabisco? 600 00:41:59,851 --> 00:42:02,729 Because the other known topping in these places is M&M's. 601 00:42:02,812 --> 00:42:04,772 But I get the impression that whoever represents M&M's 602 00:42:04,856 --> 00:42:06,482 was like, yeah, you can use the M&M's, 603 00:42:06,566 --> 00:42:09,902 but please don't hurt them. 604 00:42:13,031 --> 00:42:15,575 Whereas it feels like Mr. Nabisco was on the phone 605 00:42:15,658 --> 00:42:17,118 with the frozen dessert world, 606 00:42:17,201 --> 00:42:18,703 and the frozen dessert people were like, 607 00:42:18,786 --> 00:42:20,705 Mr. Nabisco, 608 00:42:20,788 --> 00:42:23,666 it would be the honor of a lifetime 609 00:42:23,750 --> 00:42:27,128 to work with your esteemed client, Oreos. 610 00:42:27,211 --> 00:42:29,172 We think they would fit seamlessly 611 00:42:29,255 --> 00:42:30,882 into the frozen dessert world. 612 00:42:30,965 --> 00:42:35,553 And we promise to follow any guidelines that you see fit 613 00:42:35,636 --> 00:42:38,890 to maintain the dignity 614 00:42:38,973 --> 00:42:41,851 and the integrity 615 00:42:41,934 --> 00:42:45,646 of what has become America's premier cookie 616 00:42:45,730 --> 00:42:50,109 for the better part of a century. 617 00:42:50,193 --> 00:42:53,071 Do whatever you want to them. 618 00:42:58,993 --> 00:43:01,204 Disgrace them. 619 00:43:07,668 --> 00:43:12,381 Degrade and humiliate them. 620 00:43:12,465 --> 00:43:14,842 Chop them up. 621 00:43:20,139 --> 00:43:22,683 OK. Yeah. 622 00:43:22,767 --> 00:43:25,269 OK, yeah, yeah, we can totally chop them up. 623 00:43:25,353 --> 00:43:29,607 But we promise to do so equally and uniformly. 624 00:43:29,690 --> 00:43:34,570 Do it differently every time. 625 00:43:34,654 --> 00:43:40,076 I want no rhyme or reason to the mutilation of my client. 626 00:43:40,159 --> 00:43:42,662 Put them in a Ziploc bag and have a hungover teen 627 00:43:42,745 --> 00:43:46,457 stomp on them in the break room. 628 00:43:56,050 --> 00:44:00,221 D-do you want us to include the cream filling? 629 00:44:01,514 --> 00:44:03,724 Sometimes. 630 00:44:10,273 --> 00:44:12,483 Why are you doing this? 631 00:44:16,320 --> 00:44:18,531 Because I can. 632 00:44:30,710 --> 00:44:33,212 Now, that exact same dialogue could be copy-paste applied 633 00:44:33,296 --> 00:44:37,550 to whoever represents Eugene Levy for commercial work. 634 00:44:48,978 --> 00:44:50,855 This is going to sound like something I made up. 635 00:44:50,938 --> 00:44:52,857 I'm not making this up. 636 00:44:52,940 --> 00:44:54,442 I went to my friend's wedding recently. 637 00:44:54,525 --> 00:44:55,985 It was a City Hall wedding. 638 00:44:56,068 --> 00:44:57,486 And I was wearing the most masculine thing 639 00:44:57,570 --> 00:45:01,699 I've worn since my first communion, pretty much. 640 00:45:01,782 --> 00:45:04,285 I was quite literally in a zoot suit. 641 00:45:06,954 --> 00:45:10,291 And as I'm wearing this zoot suit, 642 00:45:10,374 --> 00:45:12,126 I was like, there's something weirdly 643 00:45:12,210 --> 00:45:17,548 liberating about this, wearing this hyper masculine outfit. 644 00:45:17,632 --> 00:45:20,051 It felt like crashing into this wave 645 00:45:20,134 --> 00:45:24,222 that I'd been so avoiding my whole life. 646 00:45:24,305 --> 00:45:27,225 There was something kind of sexy about it, 647 00:45:27,308 --> 00:45:29,685 giving in to that, and saying-- I was like, you know what? 648 00:45:29,769 --> 00:45:32,313 Maybe I could do this more often. 649 00:45:32,396 --> 00:45:34,857 Maybe I'm just kind of limiting myself. 650 00:45:34,941 --> 00:45:36,609 I feel sexy. 651 00:45:36,692 --> 00:45:39,320 I feel alive right now. This is really interesting. 652 00:45:39,403 --> 00:45:41,989 Right as I was feeling that, 653 00:45:42,073 --> 00:45:44,825 an older woman walks by, points at me, and goes, 654 00:45:44,909 --> 00:45:47,453 Frances McDormand? 655 00:45:58,756 --> 00:46:01,968 This wasn't, like, a hip young woman having some fun with me. 656 00:46:02,051 --> 00:46:03,803 This was a woman old enough to be 657 00:46:03,886 --> 00:46:08,140 named Priscilla, 658 00:46:08,224 --> 00:46:12,645 who was sure enough that I was Frances McDor-- 659 00:46:15,523 --> 00:46:19,902 Right as I was on the cusp of a sexual Renaissance 660 00:46:19,986 --> 00:46:22,697 in a Suge Knight zoot suit. 661 00:46:28,869 --> 00:46:31,664 If you're going to go around with your finger 662 00:46:31,747 --> 00:46:34,959 on the trigger, 663 00:46:35,042 --> 00:46:39,046 diagnosing people as Frances McDormand... 664 00:46:42,883 --> 00:46:45,052 Don't shoot until you see their Oscar 665 00:46:45,136 --> 00:46:48,472 for "Three Billboards" over somewhere in Missouri. 666 00:46:52,351 --> 00:46:54,854 If you're playing some kind of "Pokémon Go" version of, 667 00:46:54,937 --> 00:46:56,564 but finding-- 668 00:46:56,647 --> 00:46:59,692 if you're playing Frances McDormand Go out in the world. 669 00:47:03,779 --> 00:47:06,032 She goes, Frances McDormand? 670 00:47:06,115 --> 00:47:08,617 I go, no. 671 00:47:13,873 --> 00:47:15,458 And she goes, oh. 672 00:47:18,252 --> 00:47:19,879 Frances McDormand was my age 673 00:47:19,962 --> 00:47:21,839 right now when she shot "Fargo." 674 00:47:21,922 --> 00:47:22,840 She didn't say, 675 00:47:22,923 --> 00:47:25,217 Frances McDormand when she shot "Fargo"? 676 00:47:27,636 --> 00:47:31,599 The parenthetical was 81-year-old Frances McDormand. 677 00:47:37,021 --> 00:47:39,732 And as pissed as I was, what made me even more irate 678 00:47:39,815 --> 00:47:42,443 was the glee this brought my friends. 679 00:47:45,196 --> 00:47:46,822 The way they were standing, soaking it up, 680 00:47:46,906 --> 00:47:48,783 it was almost like they were at an energy healing. 681 00:47:48,866 --> 00:47:51,452 It was like palms open. 682 00:47:56,665 --> 00:47:58,626 Frances McDormand-- see, that's a name 683 00:47:58,709 --> 00:48:00,961 that just was destined for stardom. 684 00:48:01,045 --> 00:48:03,381 Some names just work. 685 00:48:03,464 --> 00:48:07,593 A name needs to be as un-efforted as a sneeze. 686 00:48:07,676 --> 00:48:10,221 Tracy Chapman. 687 00:48:10,304 --> 00:48:13,224 Boulder, Colorado. 688 00:48:13,307 --> 00:48:15,267 Jigglypuff, Wigglytuff. 689 00:48:15,351 --> 00:48:19,146 I'm not even trying right now. 690 00:48:19,230 --> 00:48:23,526 Conversely, some names, they just don't work. 691 00:48:23,609 --> 00:48:27,738 The new president of my college keeps mass emailing me. 692 00:48:27,822 --> 00:48:30,699 And... 693 00:48:30,783 --> 00:48:34,662 I'm sorry, but his name just doesn't work. 694 00:48:40,251 --> 00:48:42,962 Marc. 695 00:48:49,844 --> 00:48:52,430 C. 696 00:48:54,765 --> 00:48:59,186 Conner. 697 00:48:59,270 --> 00:49:02,648 If I have to take a Gatorade break between your first name 698 00:49:02,731 --> 00:49:06,986 and middle initial, 699 00:49:07,069 --> 00:49:08,988 then we've got to take this thing back 700 00:49:09,071 --> 00:49:12,867 to corporate offices. 701 00:49:12,950 --> 00:49:15,828 Saying Marc C., 702 00:49:15,911 --> 00:49:18,122 it feels the vocal equivalent of doing this. 703 00:49:26,130 --> 00:49:28,757 I feel that in my belly button. 704 00:49:33,971 --> 00:49:36,432 It feels like doing burpees up a hill. 705 00:49:36,515 --> 00:49:39,602 Marc! 706 00:49:47,902 --> 00:49:50,196 C. 707 00:49:50,279 --> 00:49:54,158 Oh! 708 00:49:54,241 --> 00:49:58,162 Come on. You got this, buddy. 709 00:49:58,245 --> 00:50:00,915 Who are you? 710 00:50:03,042 --> 00:50:04,460 I live across the street. 711 00:50:04,543 --> 00:50:07,171 I saw you doing burpees up the hill. 712 00:50:07,254 --> 00:50:10,466 You got this. You got this, bud. 713 00:50:10,549 --> 00:50:12,968 Conner! 714 00:50:13,052 --> 00:50:14,845 I want to be the Justin Timberlake 715 00:50:14,929 --> 00:50:17,932 in "The Social Network" for Mark C. Conner. 716 00:50:20,392 --> 00:50:22,228 I want to take him out for sushi, 717 00:50:22,311 --> 00:50:24,897 dazzle him over appletinis, and then, on my way out, 718 00:50:24,980 --> 00:50:28,442 be like, oh, and hey, Marc, one more thing. 719 00:50:28,526 --> 00:50:30,444 Drop the C. 720 00:50:34,031 --> 00:50:37,910 Trent Reznor, a Trent Reznor, a Trent Reznor. 721 00:50:40,329 --> 00:50:42,748 Look, Marc, Marc, 722 00:50:42,831 --> 00:50:44,875 if the C means so goddamn much to you, 723 00:50:44,959 --> 00:50:47,169 drop the Marc and the Conner and just go by C. 724 00:50:52,675 --> 00:50:56,637 This guy starts going by C. 725 00:51:08,148 --> 00:51:12,027 I'm sending him my panties. 726 00:51:18,993 --> 00:51:21,495 Yeah, I bet you've never seen Seth Meyers 727 00:51:21,579 --> 00:51:23,998 do this kind of mic play. 728 00:51:29,211 --> 00:51:33,215 Lorne Michaels would put one in my leg if he saw this. 729 00:51:40,681 --> 00:51:42,516 In my dressing room all day, 730 00:51:42,600 --> 00:51:45,311 just don't talk about Seth Meyers. 731 00:51:50,024 --> 00:51:52,901 Just get through the night without talking about-- 732 00:51:56,113 --> 00:51:58,324 This guy starts going by C., 733 00:51:58,407 --> 00:52:01,660 we're going to see him popping up on tour with Killer Mike. 734 00:52:03,996 --> 00:52:08,417 Come November, he's just going to be in the back, 735 00:52:08,500 --> 00:52:11,587 doing the cleanest C. walk. 736 00:52:16,258 --> 00:52:19,470 Were you worried about me when I went down on the stool? 737 00:52:19,553 --> 00:52:21,639 A little. The impact was hard. 738 00:52:21,722 --> 00:52:23,182 Don't worry. 739 00:52:23,265 --> 00:52:25,476 The community has always been very concerned about me. 740 00:52:25,559 --> 00:52:27,311 This is a good anecdote about that. 741 00:52:27,394 --> 00:52:28,771 OK. 742 00:52:28,854 --> 00:52:31,023 I was in sixth grade, end of the year lake party, 743 00:52:31,106 --> 00:52:33,317 hosted by the coolest girl in my grade. 744 00:52:33,400 --> 00:52:35,277 Now, she had an older brother in eighth grade 745 00:52:35,361 --> 00:52:38,155 who was a known psychopath in the community. 746 00:52:38,238 --> 00:52:39,657 He famously spent a brief stint 747 00:52:39,740 --> 00:52:41,867 in a juvenile correctional center for beating up 748 00:52:41,950 --> 00:52:44,495 an adult security guard. 749 00:52:44,578 --> 00:52:46,747 Lake kids in Central Massachusetts 750 00:52:46,830 --> 00:52:48,874 are not fucking around. 751 00:52:48,957 --> 00:52:51,710 OK, so I get to the end of the year lake party. 752 00:52:51,794 --> 00:52:54,838 And he, the brother, is on the dock. 753 00:52:54,922 --> 00:52:58,300 And he is throwing my peers one by one into the lake. 754 00:53:04,640 --> 00:53:06,100 Almost like a carnival attraction. 755 00:53:06,183 --> 00:53:07,976 They're all lined up. 756 00:53:08,060 --> 00:53:09,561 I'm like, hell, yeah, this looks great. 757 00:53:09,645 --> 00:53:11,105 I line up. 758 00:53:17,486 --> 00:53:19,780 It gets to my turn. He stops. 759 00:53:19,863 --> 00:53:21,240 He looks down at me. 760 00:53:21,323 --> 00:53:23,617 He goes, 761 00:53:23,701 --> 00:53:26,662 Chris, are you sure you want this? 762 00:53:35,504 --> 00:53:38,757 First of all, I didn't know you spoke. 763 00:53:41,802 --> 00:53:46,223 Second of all, what are you picking up on in me 764 00:53:46,306 --> 00:53:50,394 that is stirring, and until now dormant, empathy? 765 00:53:52,771 --> 00:53:55,607 Throw me in the lake! 766 00:53:57,192 --> 00:54:01,113 No, Chris, I cannot, in good faith, throw you in the lake. 767 00:54:04,700 --> 00:54:06,160 I just saw you throw a fourth grader 768 00:54:06,243 --> 00:54:09,413 in her street Delia's 40 feet into the air. 769 00:54:09,496 --> 00:54:12,541 Throw me in the drink. 770 00:54:14,585 --> 00:54:18,380 Hey, what's the hold up? 771 00:54:18,464 --> 00:54:19,673 I don't know. 772 00:54:19,757 --> 00:54:24,803 He sees something in me that he deems unthrowable. 773 00:54:24,887 --> 00:54:27,514 Yeah, I could see that. 774 00:54:30,350 --> 00:54:33,812 I don't really have the language for it yet. 775 00:54:38,275 --> 00:54:43,197 But I bet there's a term in German or Japanese for it, 776 00:54:43,280 --> 00:54:46,950 like a paragraph. 777 00:54:47,034 --> 00:54:49,495 OK, Chris, here's what we're going to do. 778 00:54:49,578 --> 00:54:52,414 I'm going to hold you around the waist. 779 00:54:52,498 --> 00:54:54,082 And we're going to count down from three, 780 00:54:54,166 --> 00:54:58,921 and then you're going to throw yourself 781 00:54:59,004 --> 00:55:01,423 into the lake. 782 00:55:01,507 --> 00:55:04,301 Oh, like staged combat? 783 00:55:07,262 --> 00:55:10,307 I came here to get away from the theater! 784 00:55:12,267 --> 00:55:15,354 Fade to black, executive producer, Mike Birbiglia. 785 00:55:21,318 --> 00:55:25,030 Mike Birbiglia, Jesus Christ. 786 00:55:25,113 --> 00:55:27,449 That guy looks like a father and son Freaky Fridayed 787 00:55:27,533 --> 00:55:29,409 into the same body. 788 00:55:29,493 --> 00:55:30,702 My God! 789 00:55:37,835 --> 00:55:41,755 He looks like he sells Wordle spoilers to the FBI. 790 00:55:41,839 --> 00:55:43,715 Come on! 791 00:55:47,803 --> 00:55:50,013 You know, we were talking Marc C. Conner earlier. 792 00:55:50,097 --> 00:55:52,224 I went to school-- he's the president of Skidmore. 793 00:55:52,307 --> 00:55:54,643 I went to college there. 794 00:55:54,726 --> 00:55:56,228 The last vacation-- first of all, 795 00:55:56,311 --> 00:55:57,896 I don't believe in vacations. 796 00:55:57,980 --> 00:56:00,107 I think vacations are for children and Dua Lipa. 797 00:56:00,190 --> 00:56:04,945 And the last vacation I took was 2017. 798 00:56:05,028 --> 00:56:08,991 And I overdrew my bank account in a luxury hat store. 799 00:56:17,875 --> 00:56:21,420 The hat store was in Saratoga Springs, 800 00:56:21,503 --> 00:56:24,131 New York, which is like-- it's like a horse racing town. 801 00:56:24,214 --> 00:56:26,049 So we're talking sinister wealth. 802 00:56:26,133 --> 00:56:28,802 Just, ha ha ha ha. 803 00:56:28,886 --> 00:56:31,513 Me and my guy friends, we're nostalgia freaks. 804 00:56:31,597 --> 00:56:33,390 So we went back to-- and someone told me recently 805 00:56:33,473 --> 00:56:34,892 that nostalgia used to be considered 806 00:56:34,975 --> 00:56:37,394 like a pretty serious mental illness 807 00:56:37,477 --> 00:56:38,812 back in the pioneer days. 808 00:56:38,896 --> 00:56:40,147 Like, you could even be quarantined for showing 809 00:56:40,230 --> 00:56:41,899 signs of nostalgia. 810 00:56:41,982 --> 00:56:44,860 So if you were like, ah. 811 00:56:54,244 --> 00:56:56,830 I miss Christmas time. 812 00:57:00,292 --> 00:57:02,711 Get away from her, boys. 813 00:57:02,794 --> 00:57:05,547 She aren't well, sons. 814 00:57:05,631 --> 00:57:07,299 Why, Daddy? Be it typhus? 815 00:57:07,382 --> 00:57:09,092 No, no, no, no. 816 00:57:09,176 --> 00:57:12,596 It not be typhus. 817 00:57:12,679 --> 00:57:15,182 It be the nostalgia. 818 00:57:15,265 --> 00:57:16,808 Listen to me, sons. 819 00:57:16,892 --> 00:57:19,478 If you ever see your papa after a couple of whiskeys, 820 00:57:19,561 --> 00:57:22,022 lighting a candle and going backwards in time 821 00:57:22,105 --> 00:57:27,402 in me Facebook photos, 822 00:57:27,486 --> 00:57:32,366 while listening to the Animal Collective 823 00:57:32,449 --> 00:57:35,827 or the Passion Pit, 824 00:57:35,911 --> 00:57:37,412 do me a favor, sons. 825 00:57:37,496 --> 00:57:41,833 Kill me like you would a chicken or a "mosquitee." 826 00:57:41,917 --> 00:57:45,420 Hurt your papa permanently, boys. 827 00:57:45,504 --> 00:57:48,924 That seems a little extreme, doesn't it, Daddy? 828 00:57:49,007 --> 00:57:50,884 No. You want to know extreme? 829 00:57:50,968 --> 00:57:56,765 Longing for a Girl Talk concert that happened in 2008. 830 00:57:56,848 --> 00:58:01,228 That was just him holding two boomboxes! 831 00:58:01,311 --> 00:58:03,480 OK, so... 832 00:58:06,942 --> 00:58:10,654 The hat store in which I overdrew my bank account 833 00:58:10,737 --> 00:58:14,282 was a place called Hatsational. 834 00:58:14,366 --> 00:58:17,327 There is such high demand for luxury headwear 835 00:58:17,411 --> 00:58:21,248 in Saratoga Springs, New York, that there are two Hatsationals 836 00:58:21,331 --> 00:58:23,959 0.1 miles from each other. 837 00:58:24,042 --> 00:58:26,253 Something you've got to know about Hatsational, 838 00:58:26,336 --> 00:58:30,424 time doesn't flow there the way you and I 839 00:58:30,507 --> 00:58:32,968 are used to time flowing. 840 00:58:33,051 --> 00:58:37,597 It's ruled over by a 14-year-old boy. 841 00:58:37,681 --> 00:58:40,267 And he claims status. 842 00:58:40,350 --> 00:58:42,019 He is decked out in formalwear. 843 00:58:42,102 --> 00:58:43,979 And I'm not talking black tie formal. 844 00:58:44,062 --> 00:58:47,149 I'm talking jazz-age tycoon formal. 845 00:58:49,735 --> 00:58:52,529 And he's very-- he's quiet, but not because he's shy, 846 00:58:52,612 --> 00:58:55,282 because he doesn't respect you enough 847 00:58:55,365 --> 00:58:58,285 to raise the volume of his voice. 848 00:59:03,165 --> 00:59:04,332 I'm sorry. What was that? 849 00:59:04,416 --> 00:59:06,668 I mean, of course, you didn't hear me. 850 00:59:10,672 --> 00:59:12,466 There are older women who work there, too, 851 00:59:12,549 --> 00:59:16,344 but they all defer to this imp in a derby. 852 00:59:16,428 --> 00:59:19,222 The age play is very Miyazaki. 853 00:59:24,811 --> 00:59:26,730 And they're all high on their own supply, 854 00:59:26,813 --> 00:59:30,317 meaning they are wearing the hats-- 855 00:59:30,400 --> 00:59:33,361 full body fascinators. 856 00:59:35,697 --> 00:59:37,741 The only thing tethering him to the modern age 857 00:59:37,824 --> 00:59:42,579 is he's got top and bottom bunk braces. 858 00:59:42,662 --> 00:59:45,832 We made the mistake of trying to make him feel comfortable, 859 00:59:45,916 --> 00:59:48,919 because we're well into our 30's, and he's a tween, 860 00:59:49,002 --> 00:59:51,171 but what we fail to take into consideration 861 00:59:51,254 --> 00:59:53,715 is what unlimited access to luxury headwear 862 00:59:53,799 --> 00:59:57,761 does to the tween age ego. 863 00:59:57,844 --> 01:00:00,597 I don't think we've seen anything like it in the West. 864 01:00:03,350 --> 01:00:05,477 I think the closest comparison might be in Tibet 865 01:00:05,560 --> 01:00:10,357 when the Dalai Lama is selected as a boy, 866 01:00:10,440 --> 01:00:12,317 what that would do to pump up the ego. 867 01:00:12,400 --> 01:00:15,112 It seems like he's always been there, 868 01:00:15,195 --> 01:00:19,157 like he failed some sorcerer's test in the '20s. 869 01:00:19,241 --> 01:00:21,284 He had eyes that had seen Prussia. 870 01:00:21,368 --> 01:00:23,453 Like, he's-- 871 01:00:25,539 --> 01:00:27,499 It seems like he was just cursed to work 872 01:00:27,582 --> 01:00:29,292 between both Hatsationals. 873 01:00:29,376 --> 01:00:31,044 You could go into one Hatsational, 874 01:00:31,128 --> 01:00:32,462 and he's there in a derby. 875 01:00:32,546 --> 01:00:34,339 And you could sprint to the other one. 876 01:00:34,422 --> 01:00:38,093 And he's-- I mean, of course. 877 01:00:38,176 --> 01:00:40,512 Of course, I'm here, too. 878 01:00:40,595 --> 01:00:43,306 Where do you think I would be? 879 01:00:43,390 --> 01:00:45,559 He's in, like, a vertical fedora, 880 01:00:45,642 --> 01:00:48,061 looking like Hannibal Lecter 881 01:00:48,145 --> 01:00:50,772 when they find him in Costa Rica. 882 01:00:50,856 --> 01:00:51,857 Mm. 883 01:00:55,152 --> 01:00:57,154 Another thing you got to know about Hatsational, 884 01:00:57,237 --> 01:00:58,655 it's price prohibitive. 885 01:00:58,738 --> 01:01:00,407 You go to try on the hats. 886 01:01:00,490 --> 01:01:02,951 You do not buy the hats. 887 01:01:03,034 --> 01:01:06,454 So me and my guy friends were trying on the hats. 888 01:01:06,538 --> 01:01:08,081 I'm being very encouraging. 889 01:01:08,165 --> 01:01:10,208 Oh, my God, Jerry, you look amazing in that hat. 890 01:01:10,292 --> 01:01:13,211 Buck, you look so French in that hat. 891 01:01:13,295 --> 01:01:18,675 The tween is guarding, like, the best hats 892 01:01:18,758 --> 01:01:20,594 for, like, poachers and war criminals, 893 01:01:20,677 --> 01:01:23,638 and just the generally indecent. 894 01:01:23,722 --> 01:01:26,975 And God forbid one of us tries on a hat the wrong way. 895 01:01:27,058 --> 01:01:29,477 He is beside himself. 896 01:01:36,193 --> 01:01:37,277 We have our fun. 897 01:01:37,360 --> 01:01:38,778 I'm like, let's get out of here. 898 01:01:38,862 --> 01:01:39,988 OK. I'm like, thank you so much. 899 01:01:40,071 --> 01:01:41,281 I'm the spokesperson, of course. 900 01:01:41,364 --> 01:01:43,408 Thank you so much. 901 01:01:43,491 --> 01:01:46,036 We've had such a great time trying on your hats. 902 01:01:46,119 --> 01:01:48,163 Thank you. We'll be back. 903 01:01:48,246 --> 01:01:51,791 As I'm walking out, I hear him turn to the old ladies, 904 01:01:51,875 --> 01:01:56,004 and he goes, I knew they were be-backers. 905 01:02:01,801 --> 01:02:05,513 I'm sorry. What the fuck did you just say? 906 01:02:05,597 --> 01:02:06,765 I said I knew you were be-backers. 907 01:02:06,848 --> 01:02:08,433 And what's a be-backer? 908 01:02:08,516 --> 01:02:09,851 Somebody who comes in and tries on a bunch of hats, 909 01:02:09,935 --> 01:02:11,061 says they're going to come back, 910 01:02:11,144 --> 01:02:13,104 and they never do come back. 911 01:02:23,031 --> 01:02:26,743 Oh, you think we're be-backers? 912 01:02:26,826 --> 01:02:29,037 Chris, let's get out of here, man. 913 01:02:35,085 --> 01:02:39,256 I'm not going to let this little art deco bastard... 914 01:02:42,842 --> 01:02:45,387 This he-flapper... 915 01:02:51,309 --> 01:02:54,521 Slander my squad. 916 01:02:58,942 --> 01:03:04,239 I'm not going to let this prepubescent West-Egg biatch... 917 01:03:08,827 --> 01:03:12,831 Call me and three of the finest guys I know 918 01:03:12,914 --> 01:03:15,709 be-backers, 919 01:03:15,792 --> 01:03:19,379 a term I'm hearing for the first time. 920 01:03:22,048 --> 01:03:27,762 A term that bears no cultural weight, 921 01:03:27,846 --> 01:03:31,016 a term born out of the twisted, demented minds 922 01:03:31,099 --> 01:03:35,103 of these jazz-age retail charlatans. 923 01:03:37,522 --> 01:03:40,400 I'm going to prove to him that we are not be-back-- 924 01:03:40,483 --> 01:03:44,654 nah, Chris, man, you've had a lot of ciders. 925 01:03:44,738 --> 01:03:46,823 No, I haven't. 926 01:03:48,742 --> 01:03:51,328 I haven't had a lot of ciders. 927 01:03:56,166 --> 01:03:58,001 Hey, son. 928 01:04:00,920 --> 01:04:02,213 How much for that hat right there? 929 01:04:02,297 --> 01:04:03,757 Yeah, Jerry, you like that hat, right? 930 01:04:03,840 --> 01:04:07,552 Oh, no, Chris, not enough to buy it, man. 931 01:04:07,635 --> 01:04:08,636 How much is that? 932 01:04:08,720 --> 01:04:11,639 It's $120. Why? 933 01:04:11,723 --> 01:04:13,183 Put it in the bag. 934 01:04:13,266 --> 01:04:16,353 Nah, come-- nah. 935 01:04:16,436 --> 01:04:17,771 Buck, you like that hat, right? 936 01:04:17,854 --> 01:04:19,856 Well, yeah, I think I looked pretty French in that hat. 937 01:04:19,939 --> 01:04:21,316 OK. Yeah, put that one in. 938 01:04:21,399 --> 01:04:22,859 And Rory, you liked that one? 939 01:04:22,942 --> 01:04:24,069 Oh, yeah, I think I look like Rod Stewart 940 01:04:24,152 --> 01:04:25,111 in the 1980s in that hat. 941 01:04:25,195 --> 01:04:26,821 Yeah, you didn't, but, yeah, put that in. 942 01:04:26,905 --> 01:04:28,156 That's fine. 943 01:04:28,239 --> 01:04:30,283 And whatever bullshit I was wearing. 944 01:04:30,367 --> 01:04:31,451 And how much is all that? 945 01:04:31,534 --> 01:04:34,746 It's $560. 946 01:04:50,512 --> 01:04:53,306 Are we still be-backers? 947 01:04:53,390 --> 01:04:56,226 I don't know. I don't even-- 948 01:04:56,309 --> 01:05:00,146 That's what I thought, motherfucker. 949 01:05:01,606 --> 01:05:04,484 You've overdrawn your bank account. 950 01:05:06,736 --> 01:05:11,157 Now, I know you're thinking, Chris, guy friends? 951 01:05:14,994 --> 01:05:16,329 Yeah. What are they, Funko pops? 952 01:05:16,413 --> 01:05:19,499 Yeah, show us the guy friends. 953 01:05:19,582 --> 01:05:20,875 Chris, none of this adds up. 954 01:05:20,959 --> 01:05:23,336 OK, well, you know. 955 01:05:43,148 --> 01:05:44,399 Look at the regret. 956 01:05:44,482 --> 01:05:47,402 Look at the regret on these faces. 957 01:05:52,365 --> 01:05:56,911 Look at this tragic polycule. 958 01:05:56,995 --> 01:06:00,540 You walk into a bar and you see these three guys on a stage 959 01:06:00,623 --> 01:06:03,126 putting gear back into guitar cases, 960 01:06:03,209 --> 01:06:05,670 you go, thank God we missed that. 961 01:06:05,753 --> 01:06:08,590 Thank God we missed 962 01:06:08,673 --> 01:06:12,927 that two-hour acoustic cover of "Uptown Funk." 963 01:06:16,973 --> 01:06:18,975 We had a pretty rough conversation recently 964 01:06:19,058 --> 01:06:22,687 where we all admitted to having never worn these hats... 965 01:06:26,649 --> 01:06:30,945 Ever again. 966 01:06:31,029 --> 01:06:32,780 And I can feel what you're thinking. 967 01:06:32,864 --> 01:06:35,241 OK, so the guy friends, 968 01:06:35,325 --> 01:06:37,952 OK, they check out. 969 01:06:38,036 --> 01:06:41,039 But the evil teen? Chris, come on. 970 01:06:41,122 --> 01:06:44,417 That's one of your hyperbolic delusions. 971 01:06:44,501 --> 01:06:47,045 You think I'm not going to bring receipts? 972 01:06:50,882 --> 01:06:53,635 Who do you think I am? 973 01:06:54,385 --> 01:06:57,305 Who the fuck do you think I am? 974 01:06:58,723 --> 01:07:02,393 You think this is a game to me? 975 01:07:02,477 --> 01:07:06,731 You think I don't take this job seriously? 976 01:07:06,814 --> 01:07:11,152 You think this is a fucking game to me? 977 01:07:11,236 --> 01:07:13,112 You think I'm not going to bring receipts 978 01:07:13,196 --> 01:07:15,907 to Chicago, Illinois? 979 01:07:18,993 --> 01:07:22,038 I'm going to tell you something that you know somatically, 980 01:07:22,121 --> 01:07:25,083 if not intellectually. 981 01:07:25,166 --> 01:07:27,210 He's older than them. 982 01:07:38,471 --> 01:07:41,224 These three are by no means good people. 983 01:07:45,311 --> 01:07:48,898 They've done things that would make your blood run cold. 984 01:07:51,901 --> 01:07:54,654 But next to this ancient demon... 985 01:07:58,992 --> 01:08:01,703 Why, they're Greta Thunberg. 986 01:08:09,794 --> 01:08:12,797 Look how tight he's holding him. 987 01:08:15,967 --> 01:08:20,470 Trying to hold him back. 988 01:08:20,555 --> 01:08:24,392 And he's smiling because he knows he can break free. 989 01:08:29,689 --> 01:08:33,192 Get him out of here. 990 01:08:39,198 --> 01:08:42,410 What do you mean, the cameras weren't on? 991 01:08:49,292 --> 01:08:51,961 Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. 992 01:08:54,464 --> 01:08:55,965 You ever get the boot on your car? 993 01:08:56,049 --> 01:08:58,468 Oh, my God. I love the boot. 994 01:08:58,551 --> 01:08:59,886 It's what you get when you've been parked somewhere 995 01:08:59,969 --> 01:09:03,055 for an insane amount of time. 996 01:09:03,139 --> 01:09:04,432 It's humiliating. 997 01:09:04,515 --> 01:09:06,768 It's like a dunce cap for your car. 998 01:09:06,850 --> 01:09:08,227 And people have no dignity when they 999 01:09:08,310 --> 01:09:09,854 see a car with the boot on it. 1000 01:09:09,937 --> 01:09:13,858 Like, librarians will be like, oh, shit! 1001 01:09:13,941 --> 01:09:16,569 Oh! 1002 01:09:16,653 --> 01:09:19,072 He got the boot! 1003 01:09:21,783 --> 01:09:24,285 Jesus Christ! 1004 01:09:24,368 --> 01:09:27,747 Are you doing the crip walk right now? 1005 01:09:27,830 --> 01:09:31,709 What I like about the boot is it's the last element 1006 01:09:31,792 --> 01:09:35,630 of modern law that feels like the wrath of a sorcerer, 1007 01:09:35,712 --> 01:09:37,631 you know? 1008 01:09:54,649 --> 01:09:58,277 You've been parked there too long! 1009 01:10:00,822 --> 01:10:04,701 Now you must stay there! 1010 01:10:25,179 --> 01:10:27,390 You've been a wonderful crowd. Let's end on a song. 1011 01:10:27,473 --> 01:10:31,060 Thank you so much. 1012 01:10:31,144 --> 01:10:32,729 Let's get some dramatic lights. 1013 01:10:32,812 --> 01:10:34,439 Thank you. 1014 01:10:56,711 --> 01:11:02,592 Sometimes I think I miss the point of things 1015 01:11:02,675 --> 01:11:06,888 Like one time in a haunted house 1016 01:11:06,971 --> 01:11:10,141 What scared me the most 1017 01:11:10,224 --> 01:11:13,269 Made no sense at all 1018 01:11:13,352 --> 01:11:15,855 Don't get me wrong 1019 01:11:15,938 --> 01:11:19,734 I was in shambles the whole time 1020 01:11:19,817 --> 01:11:22,445 You walk in single file 1021 01:11:22,528 --> 01:11:25,656 And things pop out at you 1022 01:11:25,740 --> 01:11:27,533 Demons with chainsaws 1023 01:11:27,617 --> 01:11:28,826 And goat people 1024 01:11:28,910 --> 01:11:30,077 Topless clowns 1025 01:11:30,161 --> 01:11:31,621 Escaped convicts asking for your help 1026 01:11:31,704 --> 01:11:33,372 I'm barely getting through it 1027 01:11:33,456 --> 01:11:35,500 I'm saying, no, please no 1028 01:11:35,583 --> 01:11:39,504 But the thing that makes me scream uncontrollably 1029 01:11:39,587 --> 01:11:40,630 Oh, my God! 1030 01:11:40,713 --> 01:11:43,257 What makes my legs give out 1031 01:11:43,341 --> 01:11:45,718 It's not a ghoul or a goblin 1032 01:11:45,802 --> 01:11:48,638 No, it's another patron 1033 01:11:48,721 --> 01:11:50,515 A young professional 1034 01:11:50,598 --> 01:11:52,016 I don't know why 1035 01:11:52,099 --> 01:11:54,894 In a tasteful Madewell outfit 1036 01:11:54,977 --> 01:11:56,813 She wasn't dressed eccentrically 1037 01:11:56,896 --> 01:11:58,189 This was no goth 1038 01:11:58,272 --> 01:12:00,566 This was a cousin 1039 01:12:00,650 --> 01:12:03,778 And for some reason, after seeing all that spooky shit 1040 01:12:03,861 --> 01:12:06,447 The sight of this 28-year-old civilian 1041 01:12:06,531 --> 01:12:08,866 Doing nothing weird at all 1042 01:12:08,950 --> 01:12:10,618 Hit me in my horror g-spot 1043 01:12:10,701 --> 01:12:12,370 And I hit the ground screaming 1044 01:12:12,453 --> 01:12:13,663 And I said, I'm sorry 1045 01:12:13,746 --> 01:12:15,957 I don't know why I'm having this reaction 1046 01:12:16,040 --> 01:12:20,002 To alleviate my terror, she starts waving 1047 01:12:20,086 --> 01:12:24,674 Which only makes me scream louder 1048 01:12:26,133 --> 01:12:28,052 So now I'm Shelley Duvall screaming 1049 01:12:28,135 --> 01:12:30,096 At this woman who's waving at me 1050 01:12:30,179 --> 01:12:34,976 Like a mayor on a parade float 1051 01:12:35,059 --> 01:12:38,271 While the scare actors are looking in confusion 1052 01:12:38,354 --> 01:12:40,731 Wondering why they're being upstaged by this person 1053 01:12:40,815 --> 01:12:45,403 So benign that she'd fit seamlessly into the 1054 01:12:45,486 --> 01:12:51,367 Regal Cinemas 1055 01:12:51,450 --> 01:12:56,414 Preshow Presentation 1056 01:12:58,207 --> 01:13:03,629 And what sucks for her is she's right behind me in line 1057 01:13:03,713 --> 01:13:08,384 So she's seen all the other freaky shit 1058 01:13:08,467 --> 01:13:13,139 That I've not reacted this way to 1059 01:13:13,222 --> 01:13:17,393 Like an Old Cockney strapped on a mattress 1060 01:13:17,476 --> 01:13:21,022 A little boy wearing a dog mask 1061 01:13:21,105 --> 01:13:23,149 Saying "Jerry Maguire" lines 1062 01:13:24,358 --> 01:13:27,194 I wish I had the words to tell her that I'm 1063 01:13:27,278 --> 01:13:30,072 Just an Irish Catholic 1064 01:13:30,156 --> 01:13:33,618 Who doesn't let their screams out nearly enough 1065 01:13:33,701 --> 01:13:34,702 I'm all lit up 1066 01:13:34,785 --> 01:13:36,829 For example, in 2014 1067 01:13:36,913 --> 01:13:38,414 I was throwing up so loud 1068 01:13:38,497 --> 01:13:40,166 That my partner called my mom 1069 01:13:40,249 --> 01:13:42,460 And said, is this normal? 1070 01:13:42,543 --> 01:13:43,669 And my mom said, yes 1071 01:13:43,753 --> 01:13:47,340 Chris is a very performative vomiter 1072 01:13:47,423 --> 01:13:49,884 The fact that I was most terrified 1073 01:13:49,967 --> 01:13:52,637 Of another patron actually puts 1074 01:13:52,720 --> 01:13:56,390 Quite a modern horror spin on the whole haunted house 1075 01:13:56,474 --> 01:13:59,101 Where all the patrons are looking and going 1076 01:13:59,185 --> 01:14:03,147 Wait, are we the monster? 1077 01:14:03,230 --> 01:14:05,650 I hate that shit 1078 01:14:05,733 --> 01:14:07,193 You know how in modern horror movies 1079 01:14:07,276 --> 01:14:09,278 The whole thing'll be like a little bushy guy 1080 01:14:09,362 --> 01:14:10,738 Eee! 1081 01:14:10,821 --> 01:14:14,575 But they're like, no, it's about seasonal allergies 1082 01:14:14,659 --> 01:14:17,453 Fuck off! 1083 01:14:17,536 --> 01:14:22,041 Don't tell me "Hereditary" 1084 01:14:22,124 --> 01:14:26,003 Is about motherhood 1085 01:14:26,087 --> 01:14:30,800 It's about how scary a group of naked adults are 1086 01:14:30,883 --> 01:14:33,719 In fluorescent lights 1087 01:14:35,096 --> 01:14:37,473 Thank you, Chicago. 1088 01:14:39,475 --> 01:14:42,103 Thank you so much.