[TV static drones]
Downloaded from YTS.BZ
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[cheers and applause]
Official YIFY movies site: YTS.BZ
[FM-84's "Running in the Night"]
- ♪ I'm running in the night so soon ♪
♪ I've got nothing left to lose ♪
♪ I'm leaving it all behind ♪
♪ Running in the night with you ♪
♪ I won't let you get away again ♪
♪ We can see it through to the end ♪
- Chicago!
[cheers and applause]
- ♪ I'm running in the night with you ♪
- Thank you very much.
We're shooting a special tonight.
I'm trying to grow my fan base beyond women
who brought a knife to prom.
I live in Los Angeles now, even though everyone thinks
I live in a cider mill in Rhode Island.
Everyone thinks I live in a she shed in Night Country.
But I live in LA now.
Within a week of moving to LA,
I immediately got a jaywalking ticket.
And the direct quote from the cop was,
"You're walking around all animated."
Which was true.
At this point in my life,
I was doing a lot of fanciful street dressage.
But I was shy.
So I had a little Paul Dano smile on.
You know how Dano's got that big face, tiny smile
that A24 goes nuts over.
I wish that someone had told me that a small smile
is worse than no smile at all.
[strange laughter]
We need to get them out of here immediately.
I said no carnival clowns tonight only.
A Ferris wheel has been left unattended tonight,
and I cannot have that on my conscience.
[cheers and applause]
Careful, careful.
My nude form, it's like--
it's like if a girl went missing in Y2K,
and they found her, and she's been living off
pup cups for the last 25 years.
Just small amounts of cream.
[imitates gobbling]
I released a special two years ago,
and it sparked a nationwide manhunt for my pronouns.
FBI. [imitates door busting open]
You tell me. You're looking at it.
I'm just waiting for Gen Z to send me
a proper gender diagnosis in the mail.
Like, they seem to have that shit locked down.
I'm too passive.
My whole life, the way I've identified,
I just go by restaurant order.
Whatever order the waiter or waitress calls me.
My whole life, it's gone children, women,
Chris,
men,
which tells me that I easily could have snuck on to
one of those lifeboats.
Why'd you let him on?
I don't know. Look at the panty lines.
His landing strip's out.
Lost them on landing strip.
Reset to 0. That's good.
I think my expectations of masculinity
were fucked from the jump,
because I played in bands in middle school.
And I know you did. I know you did. I know.
I know. I know.
I think my expectations of masculinity
were fucked from the jump, because I played in band
in middle school, and to this day,
I have not seen a more developed man
than a middle school tuba player.
Whenever the alt-right is like,
where have all the real men in this country gone?
They are holding down the "Greensleeves" baseline
in the back of the set.
[imitates tuba blaring]
These guys make Dave Bautista look like Bernadette Peters.
My God!
What is happening hormonally
with middle school tuba players?
I think I said if you were to give a regulation-sized child
a tuba, they would-- [whimpering]
So enter these 7'1" behemoths.
Very docile.
With the thickest HBO miniseries beards,
just a--
and the wind-worn visage of a ferry worker.
And they're passing around a flask of whiskey
just to stay warm.
There's a bloodhound drinking beer out of a dish.
[imitates gobbling]
One of them picks up the phone in the middle of band.
[in deep voice] Hey, kiddo.
Yeah, I'll pick you up after practice, buddy.
[in normal voice] You have a child?
[in deep voice] Yeah, he's a freshman.
Good kid. Gets into a bit of trouble.
But who didn't at that age?
In American media,
it's always the football players that are shown
as the biggest, because they're the most aggressive,
because there's a hell that comes with being almost huge.
And there is a peace and tranquility that comes
with being truly huge.
True giants don't need PR.
It's like a Great Dane versus a German shepherd.
Like--
also, whenever I feel like I have an understanding
of the world and I want to just kick it into the abyss,
I look up what dogs were originally bred for.
It'll be like, the Springer Spaniel
was originally bred to locate a pond in the town.
And then it would see if there was another pond
touching that pond.
And then it would go into town
and tell a guy.
Period.
What does it mean?
You can also tell how old a dog breed is
when it's like, the Clumber Spaniel
was originally bred to locate holes and stand over them
in case the devil were to come out.
[applause]
That feels a little "Prairie Home Companion"
when you clap like that.
Right, Great Danes versus German shepherds--
a German shepherd has never known a moment of peace
in all of its life.
These dogs are in constant shambles.
And this is the highest ranking dog in the country.
That's the police dog.
I've never seen a cop with a dog and been like,
they've got a really good handle on that dog.
And cops are turning airports into these like,
Petco unleashed obedience training grounds,
where they have this little wayward German shepherd
with a police dog in a training vest,
and he's running around with someone's neck pillow
in its mouth.
And the cop's chasing behind, like, don't look at us!
He's in training!
And it's like, at this point,
you may as well just have a police crab.
You know, like, at least--
[clicking]
At least-- at least the crab
is going to stay pretty much in one place.
If I walk into TSA and I see a TSA guy--
or gal. [laughs]
The subreddit was about to get real ugly.
And I see them standing next to a crab,
I don't even want to know the plan, you know.
And if you get the knowing eye of the crab on you...
You're going to empty those liquids.
And I'm an empath.
If you had an ounce of the empathy that I have,
you would be bedridden.
You would all be fastened to a Murphy bed,
"Girl, Interrupted" style.
I can feel your energy.
I can feel one of your boyfriends
is going to DM me after the show.
Hey, Chris,
loved your skit about police crabs.
While humorous,
there's also some truth to that.
In some parts of Turkmenistan--
oh, oh.
[moaning]
Oh, my God.
certain TSA units have been known to utilize
a crustacean police force.
Oh.
While maybe not the crab you spoke of in your skit.
Thank you, Thomas. You have been blocked!
Everyone I know right now is popping up
with the mustachioed fiancé out of nowhere.
All these guys that dress like Robin Williams
in "The Birdcage."
Just thick thighed.
All these guys seem like they have no past.
It seems like Hinge was getting all these complaints.
And so they just factory produced, like, all these--
Who I get are all under the same mutual delusion
that they're the life of the party at weddings.
Chris, Chris,
you've got to meet Thomas.
He is so fun. He wears a kooky sock.
Ladies, if he's only comfortable squeaking out
the kook in the sock...
That's a guy who's going to hide behind you
if, God forbid,
you ever fall into the gorilla enclosure.
You got this, babe.
You're so strong and independent, babe.
You got this.
No, Chris. Thomas is so fun.
He does interpretive dance at a wedding for a laugh.
Listen, normies, there is nothing fucking funny
about interpretive dance.
[cheers and applause]
My costume is not your culture!
Interpretive dance is how I keep my lights on
and pay my astronomically high emergency vet bills,
because my dog Erik ate a smart car.
And, yeah,
that's Erik with a K.
Oh, yeah. Thomas is so fun?
Let's see him lead a conga line.
Everyone's fun until they're thrust into
a leadership position.
Leading a conga line takes discipline,
vision, and restraint.
You've got to go a lot slower than you think.
You've got a chain of dependents behind you,
varying extremely in age.
You've got a three-year-old twink,
a groomsman relapsing,
and the oldest woman in the country.
You get any crazy ideas, and you're going to be looking at
a conga line pile up.
And that is a dark chaos.
Chris, please. Enough.
Thomas is fun.
Oh, I've seen fun.
I've known fun.
I lived with a guy in college who jumped out of
our second story bedroom window to dropkick a guy,
because the guy was pissing on our house.
That's fun.
Where's Thomas going to be when someone's pissing
on your house?
I'll tell you where he's going to be.
He's going to be on the phone with Jeni's Ice Creams,
seeing when the new ube flavor's coming out.
Their website says September 1,
and September 1 has come and gone.
Also, ladies, Thomas, if he makes you call him
by the longest possible version of his name,
that's a guy who doesn't mind wasting
your motherfucking time.
[cheers and applause]
I took out a rental car here.
To pull the rental car up to me,
they were bumping the funkiest music.
[upbeat vocalizing]
And then to hand the car over to me,
they changed the station to NPR.
To be roasted wordlessly.
I've toured this so far and wide,
and to hear the bone-chilling silence
on that line right there...
Let's take that from the top.
[laughter]
Oh, you like when I improvise.
Chicago's a comedy town.
You love that.
This is where Seth Meyers cut his teeth.
I had to come to where Seth Meyers
learned the rule of three.
And I know you're all Second City trained.
Under the cruel tutelage of Bobby Moynihan.
Useless, everything I'm saying is unusable.
I want to applaud the spotlight operator,
who was on the team that got Osama.
[cheers and applause]
So I had to get a rental car recently.
And to give me the rental car,
they pulled it up, bumping the funkiest music.
[upbeat vocalizing]
And then hand the car over to me,
they changed the station to NPR.
To be roasted wordlessly.
[scattered laughter]
[laughter]
Like, I know I'm giving something off.
But guy who laughs at, wait, wait, don't tell me?
Guy who calls tomatoes beautiful?
Say it ain't so.
I thought my vibe was a little more nuanced than that.
Like, I look like somebody who needs to get a message
to Imogen Heap.
Just give me 5 minutes with Ms. Heap.
I received her message in her hit song, "Hide and Seek."
So I tuned in to NPR. NPR isn't even NPR anymore.
Like, I go looking for knowledge.
And NPR now is just like, what is a zaddy?
We're going to get to the bottom of it today.
And they interview the youngest person they can find.
And it's a 39-year-old in DC,
off mic, getting it completely wrong.
[distantly] A zaddy is a zombie's father.
My heart goes out to elder millennials.
Elder millennials deserve a grant.
Like, they were-- they were prepping
for a world that just doesn't exist.
They were rolling up the sleeves on their lab coats
and having complex discussions with their professors
over coffee.
And now they find themselves in this world
where everyone just sexualizes Shrek.
That sucks.
We, as younger millennials-- and I know I look mid 50's--
but I am a younger-- no one told me
you have to put sunscreen on the clav.
And that's why I look like the secretary at Rydell High.
We, as younger millennials, learn to detach
around the Iraq war and "Garden State."
I was like, if Zach Braff's
going to keep getting away with this,
I need to learn to fly above my body.
Zach Braff, the second coming of Mr. Tumnus.
Beta, but psychotic at the same time,
like a flight attendant.
Do you ever get the impression that flight attendants
would kill us if the pilot wasn't around?
They hate us so much.
Remember, there was a brief time in 2021
when they wouldn't stop duct taping people to chairs.
[imitates tape stretching]
That never sat right with me.
I don't accept food from them either.
To see grown business people be like, cookies!
Pretzels!
I go, I'm good.
It's the only time in my life
I'm like a professional snowboarder.
Do not include the professional snowboarder line.
[laughter]
The second I think I have goodwill with you,
you leave me in the yard with my Yoni in my hands.
What were we talking about?
Elder millennials. Oh, look.
I just want to make a wildlife sanctuary
for elder millennials where they can play Ultimate Frisbee
in peace!
And say amazeballs in harmony!
And enjoy their zucchinis.
They love zucchinis. Oh, my God.
When someone offers me a zucchini, I'm like,
school's out.
Yeah, give me the cucumber that lost everything at the casino.
And then the elder millennials,
they can compare their Trader Joe's snacks.
I'm obsessed with Trader Joe's.
I can-- I have a hyperfixation with Trader Joe's.
I have to talk about it every night.
My favorite thing about Trader Joe's right now,
you know how Trader Joe's has those weekly recalls?
And they're so shameless about what they're recalling.
They hold themselves so unaccountable that
they make you feel fucked up for getting the thing.
It's so brilliant.
And they let you know by putting up, like,
an 8 by 11 crumpled up sheet of computer paper
1 foot off the ground.
And it's like, hey.
We found human remains in the cantaloupe.
[laughter]
You didn't buy that shit, did you?
It's like a very middle school alpha tactic.
It's like an eighth grader in a hoodie
on the back of someone's bike pegs, just like--
Yo, we found eels in the sparkling water.
Hey, none of you posers got any caprese sandwiches, right?
Because they found Jimmy Hoffa
in most of the caprese sandwiches.
There were bullets in the mochi, dude.
It'd be so fucked up if you got mochi.
And anyone who set foot-- it always ends in salmonella.
Anyone who set foot in Trader Joe's
between April and November has generational salmonella.
I'm so tired of people blaming viruses on animals.
Like, oh, the horses caused this.
I know horses. They're not doing shit.
You ever know a horse, and then find out he's 35?
I love that.
I'm like, hell, yeah, man.
Remember the Fleet Foxes?
Yeah, we really thought folk was coming back.
And you've got to go forehead to forehead.
[grunting]
Tummy time. That's for company men.
Mind melding with a mare,
that's for the real revolutionaries.
That's what Swayze was doing on his weekends off, shooting DD.
The captions will have "Dirty Dancing," but DD, it's--
Yeah, it's not the horses causing these viruses.
It's probably the guy refusing to clean out
his cast iron skillet.
How sick did those guys have to get
to quiet their evangelism about not cleaning out
your cast iron skillet?
They were the loudest population in America
for much of the 2010s.
No babe, baby.
Babe, hold up.
You don't have to-- you don't have to clean it out.
No soap, babe. You'll take out the seasoning.
Seasoning with what?
The virus that took out Beth in "Little Women"?
You know that guy's cast iron skillet
is moving a little bit at night.
He's got a kombucha SCOBY just undulating.
[in gritty voice] Kombucha, kombucha.
[in high-pitched voice] We're going to get the fuck
out of here tonight, kombucha.
[in gritty voice] Kombucha?
[in high-pitched voice] He keeps his passport
in his credenza.
We'll put on some of his Indochinos
and we'll fly north to Canada.
When our friends in the north see how we've been mistreated,
that I haven't gotten so much as a whore's bath
since Romney was running!
[in gritty voice] Romney, Romney.
[in high-pitched voice] Yeah!
[laughs]
Get on my back, kombucha SCOBY.
Come on. Come on, get on my back.
[in gritty voice] Kombucha, kombucha.
Kombu--
[in high-pitched voice] Yeah.
Oh, shit. Here he comes.
Quick, let's pretend to be his girlfriend.
Grab that ukulele.
[in normal voice] Hey, babe.
I didn't know you were coming over so soon for mocktails.
[in gritty voice] Kombucha, kombucha.
[in normal voice] Why are you using our safe word, babe?
And scene.
How did that feel? How did that feel?
[cheers and applause]
2014, I was about to clean out my cast iron skillet.
I was like, you know what?
I don't see any of those guys around.
I don't see any stubble.
I'm going to put a little squirt of soap, squirt.
And then one of those guys just apparated in my kitchen
and put his arms over me like a computer teacher.
Remember that?
Remember getting absorbed by the computer teacher?
I didn't mind that.
It was a really early exercise in letting go.
I went to your Whole Foods, by the way.
Cheddar's getting sharper every year.
[cheers and applause]
My crowd gives the gentlest high fives.
That-- [laughs]
That still would be like a picture
on a primate behavior brochure.
Everyone knows I'm like-- I couldn't handle any blowback.
I would-- [screaming]
Yeah, cheddar's getting sharper every year.
When I-- my favorite part of the grocery store,
I beeline it to the cheddar.
Oh, yeah. It's like regular cheddar.
OK, OK. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Medium cheddar. [giggles]
Sharp cheddar. Yeah!
Really sharp cheddar.
Come on!
[screams]
Seriously sharp cheddar.
Fuck!
And I'm like, come on!
Let's keep this party going!
Give me that Tillamook Psycho!
Hey, hey, hey. Hey.
Hey, hey, old lady, keep it down.
I hear you're looking for Tillamook Psycho.
Yeah, I thought Biden outlawed that.
Biden's gone, man.
You wait right there.
Then a guy in lederhosen, no panties comes out.
I hear you party.
Yeah, yeah, give me that shit that Bernie Sanders hits
before he filibusters.
How do I know you're not a cop?
Would a cop get this jazzed about a score?
OK, OK, OK, OK.
Take it slow. Take a little nibble here.
OK.
[imitates chewing]
Oh, fuck.
Oh, shit.
That shit is jagged.
I hear Wilco.
I see Terry Gross!
Let her in, man.
Look, I talk a lot of shit about NPR,
but the one person keeping it down,
brutal and ruthless, is Terry Gross.
[cheers and applause] My, my goodness.
In a world of all these interviewers,
like Jimmy Fallon wearing a French tickler...
The completely unmanageable tension
of every episode with "Fresh Air" with Terry Gross
is so refreshing.
It feels like every episode was recorded
in the space between the living and the dead.
It feels like the guest is sitting on one end
of a long medieval table, and Terry's on the other end,
just cleaning a gun.
My favorite David and Goliath moment of recent times,
2019, Terry Gross interviews Adam Driver.
You know this? OK.
It got scrapped because she freaked out
former Marine Adam Driver.
Little Terry Gross, little 3'1" Terry,
freaked him out so much that he fled...
the interview.
I guess he doesn't like engaging with his own work.
And she basically Clockwork Oranged him with it.
It was a clip of him singing the Sondheim song
from "Marriage Story."
And she was just torturing him with it.
He was like, Terry, please!
And Terry was just like--
Until Adam left.
Now, we don't know what happened,
because there's no record of this.
But in my fantasy,
I like to imagine that Terry gave chase.
Just hauling ass after Adam Driver
like the Terminator down the street,
holding a Bluetooth speaker,
blasting him singing the Sondheim song.
[piano music playing]
- ♪ Would anyone ever ♪
- [panting]
- ♪ Walking in town ♪
♪ I know I'm not rich ♪
♪ I know I'm too tall ♪
- Now, Adam, I've interviewed a lot of bitches in my day,
but few as big as you.
Now, I would expect this whole,
"Oh, I can't listen to my own work" thing
from Johnny Depp because of the scarves and the hats.
But with you, I would expect a little more T
pumping through those vas deferens.
[yelling]
You basically turned "Girls" on HBO
into your own personal OnlyFans account.
And now you wet your Tom Fords, a little Sondheim clip,
where you sound like a wealthy child
singing at his karaoke birthday party.
What I find so intriguing about you, Adam,
is you're so simian, but so cowardly at the same time.
When I catch you-- and I will catch you--
I want to shimmy up you and feed you a banana.
[singing continues in background]
♪ ♪
She makes contact.
Terry, no!
You don't get to call me Terry Gross.
Terry Gross is my nickname.
My real name is Theresa Disgusting.
♪ ♪
[cheers and applause]
I recently disgraced myself in front of Lin-Manuel Miranda.
Here's what happened.
He responded to something I put out on Instagram.
He was like, ha-ha, this is very funny.
I freaked out.
When I got this message, I was outside of a Starbucks
that was playing his song from "Mary Poppins."
It's like a chimney sweep song, it's like--
[sings indistinctly]
I was like, this is so kismet. This is serendipitous.
I'm going to film this
and send it to Lin-Manuel Miranda.
And it's going to form such a bond.
And I thought that I could edit the video in app,
but it just-- [whooshes]
Sent.
So what I ended up sending Lin-Manuel Miranda
was a 2-minute video clip...
Of the exterior of a Starbucks.
Where I am too far to hear the music.
But luckily, what you can hear
is me breathing.
[heavy breathing]
Yeah.
Oh, cool.
Oh, he's going to love that.
So to recap,
Lin-Manuel Miranda writes a pretty innocuous,
ha-ha, this is very funny.
11 minutes go by.
And then he receives a very dark short film...
Of the brutalist exterior of a Starbucks...
In San Bernardino, California,
with me wheezing on mic.
Now, what was his response?
Seen at 12:23 PM.
So I don't think you're going to be seeing me in "Moana 9"
anytime soon.
I spend too much time at Starbucks.
I'm a sugar fiend.
But I don't do dessert in public.
My dessert face, it's way too graphic.
But I will, though, occasionally-- to be sociable,
I will go to the ice cream parlor with friends.
I'm always appalled at what the frozen dessert world
is allowed to do in regards to their treatment of Oreos.
So they have a bunch of public domain toppings,
like strawberry sauce,
chocolate-chocolate chips, marshmallow sauce,
and then they have a heap of disfigured Oreos
that, at first glance, I'm like, is that soot?
Oh, no, it's just America's cookie
maimed beyond recognition,
looking like the cartel is trying to send a message,
looking like a witch has been grinding them up all winter.
[thumping]
[in high-pitched voice] Almost ready!
[in normal voice] Jesus Christ.
Oreos are an icon.
It's not like they need this free exposure.
This would be like if you saw Dame Judi Dench
selling vibrators on Instagram.
Use code Dench...
To fuck your shit up this Galentine's Day.
Jesus Christ!
I've never seen a company
with a looser grasp on their property
as Nabisco with Oreos.
If this were being done to Milanos,
Pepperidge Farm would bomb Dairy Queen.
Did we get the Milanos? Check for the Sausalitos!
What sick fuck is in charge of Nabisco?
Because the other known topping in these places is M&M's.
But I get the impression that whoever represents M&M's
was like, yeah, you can use the M&M's,
but please don't hurt them.
Whereas it feels like Mr. Nabisco was on the phone
with the frozen dessert world,
and the frozen dessert people were like,
Mr. Nabisco,
it would be the honor of a lifetime
to work with your esteemed client, Oreos.
We think they would fit seamlessly
into the frozen dessert world.
And we promise to follow any guidelines that you see fit
to maintain the dignity
and the integrity
of what has become America's premier cookie
for the better part of a century.
Do whatever you want to them.
Disgrace them.
Degrade and humiliate them.
Chop them up.
OK. Yeah.
OK, yeah, yeah, we can totally chop them up.
But we promise to do so equally and uniformly.
Do it differently every time.
I want no rhyme or reason to the mutilation of my client.
Put them in a Ziploc bag and have a hungover teen
stomp on them in the break room.
[shaky breathing]
[soft stammering]
D-do you want us to include the cream filling?
Sometimes.
[softly] Why are you doing this?
Because I can.
[cheers and applause]
Now, that exact same dialogue could be copy-paste applied
to whoever represents Eugene Levy for commercial work.
This is going to sound like something I made up.
I'm not making this up.
I went to my friend's wedding recently.
It was a City Hall wedding.
And I was wearing the most masculine thing
I've worn since my first communion, pretty much.
I was quite literally in a zoot suit.
And as I'm wearing this zoot suit,
I was like, there's something weirdly
liberating about this, wearing this hyper masculine outfit.
It felt like crashing into this wave
that I'd been so avoiding my whole life.
There was something kind of sexy about it,
giving in to that, and saying-- I was like, you know what?
Maybe I could do this more often.
Maybe I'm just kind of limiting myself.
I feel sexy.
I feel alive right now. This is really interesting.
Right as I was feeling that,
an older woman walks by, points at me, and goes,
Frances McDormand?
This wasn't, like, a hip young woman having some fun with me.
This was a woman old enough to be
named Priscilla,
who was sure enough that I was Frances McDor--
Right as I was on the cusp of a sexual Renaissance
in a Suge Knight zoot suit.
If you're going to go around with your finger
on the trigger,
diagnosing people as Frances McDormand...
Don't shoot until you see their Oscar
for "Three Billboards" over somewhere in Missouri.
If you're playing some kind of "Pokémon Go" version of,
but finding--
if you're playing Frances McDormand Go out in the world.
She goes, Frances McDormand?
I go, no.
And she goes, oh.
Frances McDormand was my age
right now when she shot "Fargo."
She didn't say,
Frances McDormand when she shot "Fargo"?
The parenthetical was 81-year-old Frances McDormand.
And as pissed as I was, what made me even more irate
was the glee this brought my friends.
The way they were standing, soaking it up,
it was almost like they were at an energy healing.
It was like palms open.
Frances McDormand-- see, that's a name
that just was destined for stardom.
Some names just work.
A name needs to be as un-efforted as a sneeze.
Tracy Chapman.
Boulder, Colorado.
Jigglypuff, Wigglytuff.
I'm not even trying right now.
Conversely, some names, they just don't work.
The new president of my college keeps mass emailing me.
And...
I'm sorry, but his name just doesn't work.
Marc.
C. [grunting]
Conner.
If I have to take a Gatorade break between your first name
and middle initial,
then we've got to take this thing back
to corporate offices.
Saying Marc C.,
it feels the vocal equivalent of doing this.
[grunting and straining]
I feel that in my belly button.
It feels like doing burpees up a hill.
Marc!
[shouting]
C.
Oh!
Come on. You got this, buddy.
Who are you?
I live across the street.
I saw you doing burpees up the hill.
You got this. You got this, bud.
Conner!
I want to be the Justin Timberlake
in "The Social Network" for Mark C. Conner.
I want to take him out for sushi,
dazzle him over appletinis, and then, on my way out,
be like, oh, and hey, Marc, one more thing.
Drop the C.
[vocalizing]
Trent Reznor, a Trent Reznor, a Trent Reznor.
Look, Marc, Marc,
if the C means so goddamn much to you,
drop the Marc and the Conner and just go by C.
[vocalizing]
This guy starts going by C.
I'm sending him my panties.
Yeah, I bet you've never seen Seth Meyers
do this kind of mic play.
Lorne Michaels would put one in my leg if he saw this.
In my dressing room all day,
just don't talk about Seth Meyers.
Just get through the night without talking about--
This guy starts going by C.,
we're going to see him popping up on tour with Killer Mike.
Come November, he's just going to be in the back,
doing the cleanest C. walk.
Were you worried about me when I went down on the stool?
A little. The impact was hard.
Don't worry.
The community has always been very concerned about me.
This is a good anecdote about that.
OK.
I was in sixth grade, end of the year lake party,
hosted by the coolest girl in my grade.
Now, she had an older brother in eighth grade
who was a known psychopath in the community.
He famously spent a brief stint
in a juvenile correctional center for beating up
an adult security guard.
Lake kids in Central Massachusetts
are not fucking around.
OK, so I get to the end of the year lake party.
And he, the brother, is on the dock.
And he is throwing my peers one by one into the lake.
[grunting]
Almost like a carnival attraction.
They're all lined up.
I'm like, hell, yeah, this looks great.
I line up.
[whistling]
[grunting]
It gets to my turn. He stops.
He looks down at me.
He goes,
Chris, are you sure you want this?
First of all, I didn't know you spoke.
Second of all, what are you picking up on in me
that is stirring, and until now dormant, empathy?
Throw me in the lake!
No, Chris, I cannot, in good faith, throw you in the lake.
I just saw you throw a fourth grader
in her street Delia's 40 feet into the air.
Throw me in the drink.
Hey, what's the hold up?
I don't know.
He sees something in me that he deems unthrowable.
Yeah, I could see that.
I don't really have the language for it yet.
But I bet there's a term in German or Japanese for it,
like a paragraph.
OK, Chris, here's what we're going to do.
I'm going to hold you around the waist.
And we're going to count down from three,
and then you're going to throw yourself
into the lake.
Oh, like staged combat?
I came here to get away from the theater!
Fade to black, executive producer, Mike Birbiglia.
Mike Birbiglia, Jesus Christ.
That guy looks like a father and son Freaky Fridayed
into the same body.
My God!
[laughs]
He looks like he sells Wordle spoilers to the FBI.
Come on!
You know, we were talking Marc C. Conner earlier.
I went to school-- he's the president of Skidmore.
I went to college there.
The last vacation-- first of all,
I don't believe in vacations.
I think vacations are for children and Dua Lipa.
And the last vacation I took was 2017.
And I overdrew my bank account in a luxury hat store.
The hat store was in Saratoga Springs,
New York, which is like-- it's like a horse racing town.
So we're talking sinister wealth.
Just, ha ha ha ha.
Me and my guy friends, we're nostalgia freaks.
So we went back to-- and someone told me recently
that nostalgia used to be considered
like a pretty serious mental illness
back in the pioneer days.
Like, you could even be quarantined for showing
signs of nostalgia.
So if you were like, ah.
I miss Christmas time.
Get away from her, boys.
She aren't well, sons.
Why, Daddy? Be it typhus?
No, no, no, no.
It not be typhus.
It be the nostalgia.
Listen to me, sons.
If you ever see your papa after a couple of whiskeys,
lighting a candle and going backwards in time
in me Facebook photos,
while listening to the Animal Collective
or the Passion Pit,
do me a favor, sons.
Kill me like you would a chicken or a "mosquitee."
Hurt your papa permanently, boys.
That seems a little extreme, doesn't it, Daddy?
No. You want to know extreme?
Longing for a Girl Talk concert that happened in 2008.
That was just him holding two boomboxes!
OK, so...
The hat store in which I overdrew my bank account
was a place called Hatsational.
There is such high demand for luxury headwear
in Saratoga Springs, New York, that there are two Hatsationals
0.1 miles from each other.
Something you've got to know about Hatsational,
time doesn't flow there the way you and I
are used to time flowing.
It's ruled over by a 14-year-old boy.
And he claims status.
He is decked out in formalwear.
And I'm not talking black tie formal.
I'm talking jazz-age tycoon formal.
And he's very-- he's quiet, but not because he's shy,
because he doesn't respect you enough
to raise the volume of his voice.
[mutters]
I'm sorry. What was that?
[muttering] I mean, of course, you didn't hear me.
There are older women who work there, too,
but they all defer to this imp in a derby.
The age play is very Miyazaki.
And they're all high on their own supply,
meaning they are wearing the hats--
full body fascinators.
The only thing tethering him to the modern age
is he's got top and bottom bunk braces.
We made the mistake of trying to make him feel comfortable,
because we're well into our 30's, and he's a tween,
but what we fail to take into consideration
is what unlimited access to luxury headwear
does to the tween age ego.
I don't think we've seen anything like it in the West.
I think the closest comparison might be in Tibet
when the Dalai Lama is selected as a boy,
what that would do to pump up the ego.
It seems like he's always been there,
like he failed some sorcerer's test in the '20s.
He had eyes that had seen Prussia.
Like, he's--
It seems like he was just cursed to work
between both Hatsationals.
You could go into one Hatsational,
and he's there in a derby.
And you could sprint to the other one.
And he's-- I mean, of course.
Of course, I'm here, too.
Where do you think I would be?
He's in, like, a vertical fedora,
looking like Hannibal Lecter
when they find him in Costa Rica.
Mm.
Another thing you got to know about Hatsational,
it's price prohibitive.
You go to try on the hats.
You do not buy the hats.
So me and my guy friends were trying on the hats.
I'm being very encouraging.
Oh, my God, Jerry, you look amazing in that hat.
Buck, you look so French in that hat.
The tween is guarding, like, the best hats
for, like, poachers and war criminals,
and just the generally indecent.
And God forbid one of us tries on a hat the wrong way.
He is beside himself.
We have our fun.
I'm like, let's get out of here.
OK. I'm like, thank you so much.
I'm the spokesperson, of course.
Thank you so much.
We've had such a great time trying on your hats.
Thank you. We'll be back.
As I'm walking out, I hear him turn to the old ladies,
and he goes, I knew they were be-backers.
I'm sorry. What the fuck did you just say?
I said I knew you were be-backers.
And what's a be-backer?
Somebody who comes in and tries on a bunch of hats,
says they're going to come back,
and they never do come back.
Oh, you think we're be-backers?
Chris, let's get out of here, man.
I'm not going to let this little art deco bastard...
This he-flapper...
Slander my squad.
I'm not going to let this prepubescent West-Egg biatch...
Call me and three of the finest guys I know
be-backers,
a term I'm hearing for the first time.
A term that bears no cultural weight,
a term born out of the twisted, demented minds
of these jazz-age retail charlatans.
I'm going to prove to him that we are not be-back--
nah, Chris, man, you've had a lot of ciders.
No, I haven't.
I haven't had a lot of ciders.
Hey, son.
How much for that hat right there?
Yeah, Jerry, you like that hat, right?
Oh, no, Chris, not enough to buy it, man.
How much is that?
It's $120. Why?
Put it in the bag.
Nah, come-- nah.
Buck, you like that hat, right?
Well, yeah, I think I looked pretty French in that hat.
OK. Yeah, put that one in.
And Rory, you liked that one?
Oh, yeah, I think I look like Rod Stewart
in the 1980s in that hat.
Yeah, you didn't, but, yeah, put that in.
That's fine.
And whatever bullshit I was wearing.
And how much is all that?
It's $560.
Are we still be-backers?
I don't know. I don't even--
That's what I thought, motherfucker.
[imitates phone buzzing]
You've overdrawn your bank account.
Now, I know you're thinking, Chris, guy friends?
Yeah. What are they, Funko pops?
Yeah, show us the guy friends.
Chris, none of this adds up.
OK, well, you know.
[upbeat jazzy music]
♪ ♪
Look at the regret.
Look at the regret on these faces.
Look at this tragic polycule.
You walk into a bar and you see these three guys on a stage
putting gear back into guitar cases,
you go, thank God we missed that.
Thank God we missed
that two-hour acoustic cover of "Uptown Funk."
We had a pretty rough conversation recently
where we all admitted to having never worn these hats...
Ever again.
And I can feel what you're thinking.
OK, so the guy friends,
OK, they check out.
But the evil teen? Chris, come on.
That's one of your hyperbolic delusions.
You think I'm not going to bring receipts?
♪ ♪
Who do you think I am?
Who the fuck do you think I am?
You think this is a game to me?
You think I don't take this job seriously?
You think this is a fucking game to me?
You think I'm not going to bring receipts
to Chicago, Illinois?
[cheers and applause]
I'm going to tell you something that you know somatically,
if not intellectually.
He's older than them.
These three are by no means good people.
They've done things that would make your blood run cold.
But next to this ancient demon...
Why, they're Greta Thunberg.
Look how tight he's holding him.
Trying to hold him back.
And he's smiling because he knows he can break free.
Get him out of here.
[cheers and applause]
What do you mean, the cameras weren't on?
Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.
You ever get the boot on your car?
Oh, my God. I love the boot.
It's what you get when you've been parked somewhere
for an insane amount of time.
It's humiliating.
It's like a dunce cap for your car.
And people have no dignity when they
see a car with the boot on it.
Like, librarians will be like, oh, shit!
[screaming]
He got the boot!
Jesus Christ!
Are you doing the crip walk right now?
What I like about the boot is it's the last element
of modern law that feels like the wrath of a sorcerer,
you know?
[maniacal laughter]
You've been parked there too long!
Now you must stay there!
[maniacal laughter]
[cheers and applause]
You've been a wonderful crowd. Let's end on a song.
Thank you so much.
Let's get some dramatic lights.
Thank you.
[Chris Fleming's "Haunted House" plays]
[uneasy music]
♪ ♪
♪ Sometimes I think I miss the point of things ♪
♪ Like one time in a haunted house ♪
♪ What scared me the most ♪
♪ Made no sense at all ♪
♪ Don't get me wrong ♪
♪ I was in shambles the whole time ♪
♪ You walk in single file ♪
♪ And things pop out at you ♪
♪ Demons with chainsaws ♪
♪ And goat people ♪
♪ Topless clowns ♪
♪ Escaped convicts asking for your help ♪
♪ I'm barely getting through it ♪
♪ I'm saying, no, please no ♪
♪ But the thing that makes me scream uncontrollably ♪
Oh, my God!
♪ What makes my legs give out ♪
♪ It's not a ghoul or a goblin ♪
♪ No, it's another patron ♪
♪ A young professional ♪
♪ I don't know why ♪
♪ In a tasteful Madewell outfit ♪
♪ She wasn't dressed eccentrically ♪
♪ This was no goth ♪
♪ This was a cousin ♪
♪ And for some reason, after seeing all that spooky shit ♪
♪ The sight of this 28-year-old civilian ♪
♪ Doing nothing weird at all ♪
♪ Hit me in my horror g-spot ♪
♪ And I hit the ground screaming ♪
♪ And I said, I'm sorry ♪
♪ I don't know why I'm having this reaction ♪
♪ To alleviate my terror, she starts waving ♪
♪ Which only makes me scream louder ♪
♪ ♪
♪ So now I'm Shelley Duvall screaming ♪
♪ At this woman who's waving at me ♪
♪ Like a mayor on a parade float ♪
♪ While the scare actors are looking in confusion ♪
♪ Wondering why they're being upstaged by this person ♪
♪ So benign that she'd fit seamlessly into the ♪
♪ Regal Cinemas ♪
♪ Preshow Presentation ♪
♪ And what sucks for her is she's right behind me in line ♪
♪ So she's seen all the other freaky shit ♪
♪ That I've not reacted this way to ♪
♪ Like an Old Cockney strapped on a mattress ♪
♪ A little boy wearing a dog mask ♪
♪ Saying "Jerry Maguire" lines ♪
[echoing babble]
♪ I wish I had the words to tell her that I'm ♪
♪ Just an Irish Catholic ♪
♪ Who doesn't let their screams out nearly enough ♪
♪ I'm all lit up ♪
♪ For example, in 2014 ♪
♪ I was throwing up so loud ♪
♪ That my partner called my mom ♪
♪ And said, is this normal? ♪
♪ And my mom said, yes ♪
♪ Chris is a very performative vomiter ♪
♪ The fact that I was most terrified ♪
♪ Of another patron actually puts ♪
♪ Quite a modern horror spin on the whole haunted house ♪
♪ Where all the patrons are looking and going ♪
♪ Wait, are we the monster? ♪
♪ I hate that shit ♪
♪ You know how in modern horror movies ♪
♪ The whole thing'll be like a little bushy guy ♪
Eee!
♪ But they're like, no, it's about seasonal allergies ♪
♪ Fuck off! ♪
♪ Don't tell me "Hereditary" ♪
♪ Is about motherhood ♪
♪ It's about how scary a group of naked adults are ♪
♪ In fluorescent lights ♪
[cheers and applause] Thank you, Chicago.
Thank you so much.
[FM-84's "Running in the Night"
- ♪ Oh, I'm running ♪
♪ In the night so soon ♪
♪ I've got nothing left to lose ♪
♪ I'm leaving it all behind ♪
♪ Running in the night with you ♪
♪ I won't let you get away again ♪
♪ We can see you through till the end ♪
♪ But whatever we do ♪
♪ I'm running in the night with you ♪
♪ ♪
[vocalizes]
♪ Running in the night ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ I'm running in the night so soon ♪
♪ I'm running in the night with you ♪
[bright tone]